Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Phoebe Bridgers

Episode Date: January 16, 2021

Phoebe Bridgers, musician, joins us along with panelists Roxanne Roberts, Luke Burbank, and Negin Farsad.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Like Ma Bell, I got the Bill communication. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, a man who needs an introduction. So here it is, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thank you, everybody. Thanks again to our fake audience. So here it is, Peter Sagal. than one of her own fans on Twitter did. Taylor Swift is just Phoebe Bridgers for people whose parents still love each other. But first, we want to hear your inner pain set to music, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

It is time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. Hi, who's this? Tom Schlito from Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Tom, we love Atlanta Me. Hi. Hi, who's this? Tom Schlieter from Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Tom. We love Atlanta. What do you do there?

I'm a hardware specialist at a major orange home improvement retailer. Wait a minute. You're one of the guys at Home Depot who I can never, ever find? You haven't been here. You haven't been to the Buckhead store. We're always there. Okay, because I have often suspected that as I have walked the aisles of Home Depot, you guys are like hiding around the corner going,

quick, quick, he's turning left. Everybody hide the other way. That's with you. That's with you. All the pain testers we take look at that. Well, Tom, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian and host of the podcast, Fake the Nation. And it's the moment none of you have been waiting for. She's finally on TikTok. It's Nagin Farsad.

Oh, hello. Hello. I love your podcast. Oh, thank you so much. Next, it's the host of the daily podcast TBTL and the public radio variety show Livewire. It's Luke Burbank. Luke. Hey there.

And a feature reporter for the Style section of the Washington Post, Roxanne Roberts. Hello, hello. Tom, you're going to play Who's Bill this time. I bet you knew that. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two

of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I am indeed. All right, let's do it. Your first quote is from Republican Congressman Matt Goetz. It's an itch that doesn't go away with just one scratch. The House of Representatives scratched that itch by doing what for the second time this week? Impeaching hair Trump.

Yes, they impeached Donald Trump. President Trump became the first president in history to be impeached twice, or we should say really impeached twice so far. He still has a few days to go for the hat trick. Now it seemed, I don't know if you guys felt this, but to me it seemed anticlimactic. Maybe because it happened so quickly, maybe because we had seen and heard it all before. Nancy Pelosi even wore the same dress that she wore to the first impeachment. And remember, everybody told her, don't spend that much or in something you'll only wear once. But it was, I mean, we were trying to figure out how to express how sort of weirdly

disappointing it was. It was like a second wedding. No one was that excited by it. There was no impeachment shower for the president. And he insisted, of course, it was the second impeachment. So no gifts, just donations to his legal defense fund. This was like the elopement of impeachments. Sort of.

It was a shotgun impeachment. I wouldn't use that phrase some of the republicans literally brought shotguns in there it's true go through the metal detector it was more maybe it's like the ghostbusters two of impeachment because they tried to conjure the magic of the first one with the same people and it's just not there man now just to say it it doesn't look like he'll be impeached before he naturally leaves office uh apparently the impeachment can't even begin until after biden is inaugurated Now, just to say it, it doesn't look like he'll be impeached before he naturally leaves office. Apparently, the impeachment can't even begin until after Biden is inaugurated.

There were some leaks from Mitch McConnell, not actual news, just leaks. It was kind of gross. I feel like that doesn't abide by NPR standards right there, that Mitch McConnell has leaks. If there's one lawmaker who I would expect it from, it would be Mitch McConnell. He looks like a guy who, before he comes to the Senate, has to claw his way out of a grave,

being pulled in by the hounds of hell per the agreement, and he yells, I beg you, one more day! That's his morning commute. All right, very good. Here is your next quote, Tom. Dry January seems a bit extreme this year. I'm going to do damp January.

That was a guy named Sam Elmore on Twitter. He was one of thousands of people who were giving up on their vow to not do what during the month of January? So not drink alcohol? Not drink alcohol. Exactly right. Now, for those who don't know, dry January is this sort of new tradition where thousands of Americans make a pledge to not drink for the month of January, sort of as a detox. But a week and a half into this January, thousands made a different pledge. F that. So instead of dry January, the people who took that vow are giving themselves

you know permission to kind of break it. They're calling it damp January or dampuary not dumpuary which is what rich people call their bathrooms. Dampuary also sounds like what Mitch McConnell is leaking. Do not light a cigarette around Mitch McConnell when he's dampurering. These are dark, dark times. Dark times, yeah. Isn't it more rational to drink rather than be sober? I mean, sober is a little bit depressing, don't you think? Yeah, well, of course. Folks, I'm a Muslim, so every month for me is dry January. And I'm spending January doing a full glow up. I've got six pack abs. I'm working towards 12. I'm also working with a six pack, Nagin, but it's of Michelob. If you are one of these people who said, I'm not going to drink for January, and you just couldn't do it, be easy on yourself.

Nobody is keeping any of their resolutions this year. You know, I had a resolution not to storm the Capitol. I didn't even make it a week. I thought I saw you in one of those tapes, Peter. You made use of your old Burning Man costumes. But listen, if you are doing Jai January, just stick to it. If you make it through the whole month, you get to enjoy WAF, or Wet Ass February. All right, Tom, here is your last quote.

No, no. That was a writer at GQ reacting to the announcement that HBO is rebooting a beloved TV series from almost 20 years ago. What show will revisit the lives of four beloved women in New York? Oh, Sex and the City. Sex and the City, exactly! That's right, they're going to do a reboot of Sex and the City,

the show about single women in New York that debuted 23 years ago. One of the four stars, Kim Cattrall, wants nothing to do with the show now, so it'll be like hey are you a carrie a charlotte or miranda or a not participating now if you haven't been following the drama with uh miss miss cattrall she's feuding with the rest of the cast there are various stories as to why but it's probably the usual things with friends and colleagues a slight

here a missed birthday there one person gets three $3 million per episode. The other gets $300,000 for doing the same job. That can lead to tension. That describes our pay disparity on this show, Peter. You've got to renegotiate your contract because I'm getting paid handsomely. Samantha was arguably the most interesting character. She was the most liberated. She was the most genuinely feminist. And so if you take away most of the sex, then you've just now got three middle-aged women. Right. But would anyone watch a show called And the City?

And one other problem is that it's 2021. None of those women could afford to live in New York now. It'll have to be called Sex and the New Jersey. But what's really great about this show is that HBO didn't have to have any new ideas. So they just did a nice recycling job. I'm glad they're using the original cast, though. I mean, without Kim Cattrall right it's not they have not recast these characters with

you know 31 year old women these are the original actors. Yes my understanding is that the exception of Miss Cattrall the original actors are coming back. That's good I'm glad about that and then they bring it back a third time when the group has moved to Florida and live in the same house.

And then it's just a Golden Girls reboot. So there's just a long tail for this program. Bill, how did Tom do in our quiz? 3-0. He got a perfect score, Tom. Yay. Thank you, Tom, for playing. And next time we come to Atlanta, we will look forward to seeing you.

Thanks, Peter. It was great talking to you. You too. Take care. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. And again, celebrity endorsements of products are nothing new. George Clooney sells tequila. Gwyneth makes these gross candles. But after successfully launching his own line of guitars,

Queen's Brian May announced a new sponsored product this week. What? Brian May official leg warmers. No. Can you give me a hint? Sure. He thought about calling it Brian number five. Oh, Brian May Official Perfume.

Yes. Not only is it the official perfume, it's a perfume that smells intentionally like badgers. Oh. The lead guitarist for Queen unveiled a new line of perfume that will make you smell somewhat like a badger, proving that you are not the only one having a hard time adjusting to life in quarantine. We don't really know why anyone would want to smell like a badger, an animal that literally has bad in its name. The perfume is over $200 a bottle, but a portion of the proceeds go to restore and protect badger populations in Great Britain. That seems great until you start to wonder where exactly they're getting

all this badger smell from. Yeah, like are they wringing out badgers into like little bottles picking up a badger and holding it over a bucket and like wringing it like this this i now must know what does a badger smell like i'm guessing i don't know i've never smelt a badger myself nor have i smelt uh sm. May's perfume, but I imagine it's a musky scent. Okay. Can you believe we made it through this whole topic without anyone making a we don't need no stinking badgers reference? I mean, that's restraint.

Oh, my God. For this cast. Oh, Luke. Luke. I don't know whether I'm more upset that we almost avoided that or I'm more upset that we didn't avoid it entirely. Coming up, do you want to play bluff the listener or are you chicken? Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT if you dare. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. If you dare.

We'll be back in a minute with more Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from Best Fiends. Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear spaghetti stains, courtesy of Baby's First Pasta Night. And if there's one thing everyday heroes like you deserve, it's a few minutes to yourself with no dishes or diapers in sight. So let your trusty sidekick hold down the fortnight. You've got a date with a five-star rated mobile puzzle game. Download Best Fiends free today in the App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the R,

Best Fiends. With civil unrest, the pandemic, and the economic crisis, you want to know what's happening right when you wake up. And that's why there is Up First, the pandemic, and the economic crisis, you want to know what's happening right when you wake up. And that's why there is Up First, the news you need in about 10 minutes from NPR News. Listen every day. From NPR and WVEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Nagin Farsad, and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host,

a man who has never been impeached, Peter Segal. Thank you so much, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Dan Coffey from Hopkinton, Massachusetts.

Oh, Hopkinton. I know it very well. What do you do there? I work in the movie adjacent industry. I'm in a role in media processing. And it's probably simpler just to say you're welcome for your streaming content. Oh, well, thank you very much. Could you make some more Netflix, Dan?

Because I just got to the end of it. And I'm very bored. No comment. Well, Dan, it is a pleasure to talk to you. You're going to play our game, which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Dan's topic? Bop, bop, bop, chicken. Chickens are proof that God loves us because he made the most delicious bird incapable of flying away.

This week, chickens made the news. Our panelists are going to tell you why. Pick the real story, you'll win our prize. The weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I'm ready. All right. First, let's hear from Nagin Farsad.

Chickens have been underestimated. Despite being too chicken when it comes to issues such as crossing the road or bar fights, they're actually quite advanced in the realm of vocalization. In fact, we have long known that chickens have more than 30 types of vocalizations. There's buck, buck, and then there's the bukka, bukka, for example. What we didn't know is that the CIA of the United States had been using these 30 distinct warbles to send secret messages to a vast spy network in South America. That's right, chicken calls as spy tools seems even more absurd than the wigs they wore on the Americans, but it's true. Apparently, trained chickens could be embedded without any notice in certain underdeveloped countries where, according to a

CIA spokesperson, chickens run the streets. Leaked classified CIA documents indicated that high-pitched warbling, which in chicken life means that a hen is about to lay an egg, in CIA terms meant the drop is proceeding. Staccato chatter indicated a large Class A drug shipment. Problems arose when spies confused actual chicken talk with spy chicken talk. Sometimes you'd have a Keri Russell type walking by a coop, hearing a frenetic warble that meant an asset had run afoul, only to discover that an actual hen was in heat.

Since the chicken vocalization catalog has leaked, chicken sounds have been retired from service. The chicken whose vocalizations are credited with the takedown of El Chapo was recently awarded the Distinguished Intelligent Cross. All she had to say to that honor was, paka! Chickens with their multifaceted vocalizations used to send messages among spies in South America. Your next scoop from the coop comes from Roxanne Roberts. Addison Rae Easterling got two chickens for her birthday in October and now all hell has broken loose. The 20-year-old TikTok star with a following of 70 million named her hens Sugar and Spice and created an adorable hip-hop chicken dance in their honor. So millions of her teenage fans decided they too must have backyard chickens.

Except not everyone has a backyard or even room for one chicken, much less two. Millions of Easterlings fans adopted chickens, chicks, and even a few roosters, many without their parents' consent or knowledge. Quote, I walked into her bedroom and there was a freaking hen in her closet, Mary Ann Shear told Good Morning America. She was very cute, very fluffy, and very smelly. Shear's 14-year-old daughter was allowed to keep the chicken on the back porch of their Denver home. Easterling told GMA that she always tells her fans, I love you, and said she wants them to love their chickens too. Quote, if that means you can take care of them, that's great. And if that means loving them enough to let them fly away, that's perfect too. And yes, Sugar and Spice already have 2 million TikTok

followers of their own. A major TikTok star gets two chickens and creates havoc in homes of teenagers around the world. Your last poultry post comes from Luke Burbank. The internet is a terrible place, but it did prove itself useful recently as a forum for scientists to debate the most important question of our time. How hard would you have to slap a chicken in order to cook it?

The answer is extremely hard. It all started when someone on Reddit posed the question, if kinetic energy is converted into thermal energy, how hard do I have to slap a chicken to cook it? A physicist did the math and came up with a number, 3,725 miles per hour. The problem is that would also liquefy the chicken and probably the arm of the person doing the slapping. So case closed, right? Well, not quite. A follow-up question was posed. How many light

slaps would it take? That number penciled out to 23,034 totally normal slaps of a frozen chicken would be enough to do the trick. Things didn't end there though. A variety of YouTubers have been building chicken slapping machines to test the theory. Sadly, the experiments have been largely unsuccessful, just showing gross footage of pulverized bird carcasses and providing one more reason that you don't want to type spank your chicken into Google. OK, Dan, we saw a story about chicken in the week's news. Was it from Dageen? Chickens used to send messages to spies in South America. From Roxanne, a TikTok influencer who got two chickens and caused havoc in teenagers' homes around the world. Or from Luke, a physicist who says you can cook chicken by slapping it.

Which of these is the real story? Oh, man. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm going to go with Luke's story about slapping chicken. You're going to go with Luke slapping his chicken. I totally understand that. It's uncomfortable, but it does sound convincing. It's very popular on the internet these days, I'll tell you. I can imagine.

All right. You've chosen Luke's story of chicken cooking by chicken slapping to bring you the correct answer we spoke to someone involved in the real story. Theoretically, you could slap a chicken and it would carry enough energy in that one slap to cook the entire chicken. That was Parker Armundy. He is the physics major who invented the chicken slapping theory. You've won our game in addition to winning a point for Luke.

Congratulations. Buka! Buka! All right, thank you. Good job. Thank you so much, Dan, and good luck in Hopkinton. Thanks very much. And now the game where people who have amazing futures end up someplace they didn't expect to be on the way. It's called Not My Job.

Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers is the most wonderful person ever to write and perform really sad songs. She has collaborated with everybody from Conor Oberst to Phoebe Waller-Bridge. She's appeared four times, four times on NPR's Tiny Desk concerts, and her new album Punisher is nominated for a Grammy. Phoebe Bridgers, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. I love this show with my whole heart. Oh, you are so nice. You are, out of all the like major pop stars you are the most npr-ish we've yeah no i'm i'm npr famous for sure i'm coffee shop famous too like if i want if i want to talk to a group of only my fans go into any coffee shop in a college town that's exactly my demographic yeah but but it has to be like it has to be like an independent coffee shop no it's not starbucks no no no i'm not starbucks yet yet now that you've said that and i have spoken to some of your fans this week they will be flocking to independent coffee shops in college towns all over this country waiting for you like you're the great pumpkin it's awful

because mostly it's when i'm on tour and I need to use the bathroom. Someone's been in this Starbucks bathroom a long time. Yeah, always. to define their music for people who may not know them. And what's great about you is you have a very funny Twitter account where you have retweeted people saying things about your music, which are hilarious. I love this one because it's so evocative. Phoebe Bridgers is Taylor Swift for women who have crumbs in their bed. If only I had a healthy relationship with my parents growing up and didn't have crumbs in my bed, who knows? I could have the best music

career of all time. It'd be Taylor Swift. It'd be awesome. Actually, you have a pretty great music career, if you ask me. I wanted to ask about your origins. You have referenced, shall we say, a less than perfect childhood. So did you start as one of those moody kids who was writing down their feelings in journals and then started putting them to music? was always very supportive of me playing music but I would sing really loudly in the store and she would have to be like dude people don't do that this is not your concert at this store this quiet store right now um so no I was very very loud did you ever busk oh yeah you know Pasadena Farmer's Market I was there every weekend in high school um playing all sorts of covers it was a great gig I take like a three hour

break and walk around and eat tamales did you ever get like a free kale bunch in your hat straight up yes there was a really cute guy who worked at the produce thing next to me and he'd always bring me stuff my i got and it's california so i got brought like herbs and uh face oil and the weirdest I got the weirdest stuff in my guitar case teachers wow that Phoebe she doesn't have a lot of money but she smells good and her face is shiny got so many tinctures yeah one thing I've I've noticed about your songs um is they seem to be about very personal things, right? Like, almost like quotidian glimpses of your life.

Yes. Like, the big hit off the new album is Kyoto and it's a song that is about I was in Kyoto

and I went to the temple and I got bored and so I left and I went to the 7-Eleven. So how do you know when you're just having a day or how do you know when you're having a day

that's a song? I don't really know until like two years later, although I do tweet a lot. And then, and I think about songs almost the same way. Like sometimes something kind of hyper-specific or poignant will happen to me and I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone. So then at the end of the year, I just have these random little things that I planned on putting into a song. But sometimes it's just when I'm sitting down and writing and I accidentally accidentally something fits that happened. Has the lockdown affected your songwriting? Because you can't go anywhere? Yeah, it just doesn't happen. Like nobody wants to hear about the good things in my life. Because

I've as for someone who put a record out in lockdown, I've had a pretty successful album cycle. Nobody wants to hear about that. And nobody wants to hear about that and nobody wants to hear about the things that everybody else on earth is going through yeah you know i feel like i have no unique perspective anymore i've just been trying to listen to records instead of make them oh good then you and i are we're living exactly me and phoebe were doing the same thing during lockdown um you said something and i'm not sure if you meant that like nobody wants to hear happy stuff and it occurred to me i've talked to some of your fans and they're so into how you sing about sadness and depression and stuff like that. Do you ever

say to yourself, oh, I can't write about that. That's too happy. No, I think what I get self conscious of is everything is so mundane. That's happy in my life. Like I haven't found a real way to say something profoundly happy. So I'm working on it. I'm not, I'm definitely not against it. Do you miss touring? Cause you talk a lot about touring. So much.

I did at the beginning of lockdown. I felt like I made a bad genie wish and I caused it because I complained about touring so much. I'm like, I don't ever want to tour again. And then this is what happens. Great. Thanks a lot, dude.

I was going to say, Phoebe, I'm a comedian and I'm on the road a lot. And I started to fantasize about different Cinnabons at regional airports. It's gotten to that point. I would eat an entire meal at hudson news right now no problem no problem just have a two pound bag of trail mix that's all i want right now do you i don't know how to say this do you have groupies do you have like obsessive fans who like follow you around yes but predominantly very sweet. It's a lot of teenagers who make me friendship bracelets and stuff.

So I love it. It's the people who don't like my music very much who talk to me after shows that I hate. Wait a minute. You know, like people who are like, my girlfriend showed me your music and I hadn't heard you before tonight. And you're pretty good. Shut up, man. Oh, that's my favorite.

Or, or someone coming up to you in public and being like, man, my girlfriend loves you. It's like, look, I know that's humiliating. What I get is,

Oh, my parents are really big fans. Well, it's true, man. It's true. My mom lost her mind when I told her I was going to be on the show. Lost it.

You see what I mean? You see what I mean? Well, Phoebe Bridgers, it is a pleasure to talk to you. We have invited you here, though, to play a game we're calling Phoebe Bridgers Meet Feeble Bridges. So we're going to ask you three questions about feeble bridges. That is, bridges that have fallen over, collapsed, or otherwise done a bad job of spanning things.

Answer two of them correctly, you'll win our prize. One of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose from our show for their voicemail. Bill, who is Phoebe Bridgers playing for? Julie Norton of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All right. Here's your first question. A bridge collapsed in Nienbürger Gansal, Germany in 1825 during a celebration for a local duke. Why did it collapse? A,

because the vibrations of people singing shook it to pieces. B, because somebody thought a really nice present for the duke would be these nifty steel cables that seemed really easy to remove. Or C, because the duke, who weighed 370 pounds, demanded to bounce on it? It's A. It is A. You're exactly right. They had a group singing happy, well, the, you know, 19th century German equivalent of happy birthday to the Duke, and the resonance of their loud voices apparently shook the bridge so much that it fell over. All right, next question. In 1845, the Yarmouth Suspension Bridge in Great Britain collapsed after hundreds of people gathered on it to watch which of these? A, the annual floating of the cheeses, B, another bridge, which everybody said was going to collapse any second now, so don't miss it, or C, a clown in a washtub being pulled along by four geese.

I'm going to go B. I'm going to go B. I want to live in a world where that happened. It sounds like a Lemony Snicket book. It does. It does sound like a terrible event. No, in fact, it was C. It was the clown in the washtub being pulled along by four geese was a promotion for a circus that had just come to town.

Last question. Four years after its construction, there's this $200,000 bridge in the Netherlands that is already falling into disrepair. Why? A, it was built to help squirrels cross the highway safely, but so far only five squirrels have used it.

B, Dutch people would rather just wait for winter and skate across the river. Or C, nobody tested the surface for wear from wooden shoes. I think B. That's the most reasonable. You think B, that rather than drive across the bridge, the Dutch people would rather wait until winter and skate across the bridge. Okay, maybe it's A. Maybe it's for squirrels. It is for squirrels. Yes! They built an entire bridge for squirrels, and in the four years after its construction,

only five squirrels have been seen to use it. That is so awesome. Thank you for guiding me to success with that one. I really appreciate that. It was my pleasure. I really like your music. Bill, how did Phoebe Bridgers do in our quiz? Phoebe won two out of three,

and in our book, that's a win, Phoebe. Congratulations. Yay. Congratulations. Yay. Phoebe Bridger's new album Punisher is up for four Grammys. Phoebe Bridger, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. You are utterly delightful. Oh, thank you guys so much. Take care.

In just a minute, Bill gets slimed in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. This message comes from NPR sponsor Indeed. Want your quality shortlist fast? You need Indeed. Indeed searches through the millions of resumes in their database to help show you great candidates instantly. With Instant Match, you see a list of great candidates with zero wait. Right now, listeners get a free $75 credit to upgrade their job post at Indeed.com.

This is Indeed's best offer available anywhere. Offer valid through March 31st. Terms and conditions apply. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is also sponsored by NerdWallet with their podcast, Smart Money. We can't predict the future, but being educated and aware of our world, especially the financial world, helps. Stay ahead of your finances by subscribing to NerdWallet's Smart Money podcast, offering weekly updates on financial news and answers to the year's most pressing questions in home buying, investments, mortgage rates, and of course,

credit cards. You can listen and subscribe to NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The world was shocked when pro-Trump extremists stormed and seized the U.S. Capitol. Throughout this tumultuous era, the NPR Politics Podcast has been there every day explaining and making sense of the news. We'll be doing that through the final days of the Trump administration as we all try to understand how this moment happened and what will come next. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Luke Burbank, Roxanne Roberts, and Nagin Farsad.

And here again is your host, a man who's disappointed he can no longer wear his horn helmet, Peter Sagal. Thanks, Bill. In just a minute, why does Bill cry? Because he's Lac Rimos in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, it is time for a game that we're going to call The Insurrection Collection. Stories about last week's insurrection are coming in faster than QAnon types coming over a police barrier. So we're going to ask you true-false questions about the assault on democracy, rapid-fire style. Get your question right, you get a point, and you get a podium from the Speaker of the House's office.

Ready to apply? Yeah. Let's go. All right. Luke, true or false? True. No, false. He went on a hunger strike because the jail would not feed him an all-organic diet. Roxanne, true or false, the lawyer for the man photographed stealing a podium from the Capitol said his client would likely be convicted because, quote, False. Right. His lawyer said his client would be convicted because, quote, it'll be impossible to find an impartial jury. False.

Right. His lawyer said his client would be convicted because, quote, hey, I'm not a magician. Nagin, true or false, Chuck Norris issued a statement saying the guy who looked like Chuck Norris at the insurrection was not him. True. Right. Roxanne, true or false, Olympic swimmer Cleet Keller issued a statement saying the guy who looked like Cleet Keller at the insurrection was not him. False. Right. That was Cleet Keller.

Nagin, true or false? Many of the rioters were turned in by people who suddenly felt guilty about helping their close friends commit treason. False. Right. Many of them were turned in by their ex-wives. Roxanne, true or false? A man photographed in the Senate in paramilitary gear holding zip ties brought a retired British paratrooper with him when he stormed the Capitol. False.

Right. He brought his mom. Luke, in response to the president leading the insurrection, Angela Merkel called for him to be removed from office immediately. True. No, false. In response to the insurrection, Macaulay Culkin called for Donald Trump

to be digitally removed from Home Alone 2. That's like the same thing. That's it for our armed insurrection at the Capitol Roundup. Come back next week for our armed insurrection at the Inauguration Roundup. Okay, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Okay, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Roxanne, we've all been ordering more stuff than ever online, which is why many retailers are adopting what new return policy? No return policy?

Like, you can't return it because... No, no, that's not it. I'm going to need a hint. You even get to keep the bubble wrap. Oh, they don't want to pay for the shipping, so they tell you just to keep it? Yeah, they say, just keep it. Retailers like Amazon and Walmart are opting to let you just keep many of the products you want to return and get your money back anyway. I mean, Jeff Bezos is worth $100 billion. You think he's worried about eating $49.99 because you now regret buying that Hello Kitty electric blanket?

Here, have 10 of them, peon. Your gains and losses are meaningless to him, like a net to a leviathan. I'm just quoting from the Amazon return policy. I remember getting two of the same book. They were like, just keep it. And I was so stunned by that, because somehow it seemed like it was the beginning of sort of the fall of Western civilization. And you were absolutely right, Roxanne. That's what led to the capital storming. And it's bigger items, too.

I have a chair that had like a chip on it. And so they were going to send me another one. And then they just told me to keep the original chair. So now I have two of a chair. Like it's a chair. So now I have two of a chair, like it's a chair. Right. Despite all this, online returns have actually jumped 70% from last year because we're buying all this stuff. And also when you return something, you get to talk to customer service and that's as close as we get these days to actual human contact.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I will take any opportunity to go to the supermarket, going to be honest with you guys. I will take any opportunity to go to the supermarket, go to the coffee shop. Anyone standing in line with me is suddenly talking about the weather. I turn everyone into a conversation because I'm so deprived. Do you open the conversation by saying, guess what? I have two chairs. Not to brag. Every conversation starts that way, yeah. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org.

Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. Hi, who's this? My name is Ansley, and I'm calling from Boston, Massachusetts. Hey, Boston, my old hon. What do you do there? I work for an education nonprofit. I'm a team manager there.

Oh, that's cool. Education is a big thing in Boston. Yes, for sure. Basically, if you watch movies, the big industries in Boston are colleges and bank robbing. Right. And just Ben Affleck on his own. Yes. Sometimes Ben Affleck is at college. Sometimes he's robbing a bank. Well, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play? Yes, I'm ready. All right. Here's your first limerick. You go run, I'll stay fully reclined

because my weight loss routine is refined. You use muscles to train? Well, I'm using my brain. to train? Well, I'm using my brain. I prefer to work out in my mind. Yes, mind. Forget dumbbells. Use your smart bell, your brain, to lose weight. According to a neuroscientist, just thinking about exercise

will help you be healthier. But let's be honest. God, I must be so healthy. It really is, yeah. But you have to be honest. All those people who made a New Year resolution to think about exercise every day are still going to give up by mid-January and go back to thinking about sex. The experiment recorded the change in muscle mass in people who just visualized working out without actually doing it. And then the control group, who did not think about working out, lost muscle mass. While the people who did visualize exercising would not stop talking about their imaginary workouts.

My God. The researchers believe it's all about the famous placebo effect. If you think you're healthier, you actually will be healthier. So the hot new fitness trend is lying to yourself. Do they also talk about their imaginary keto diet that they're on? All right. Here is your next limerick. NBC is not the sports big custodian.

Let the kids channel help fix your odium. They'll adjust chalky lines to get covered in slime because football is on Nickelodeon. Nickelodeon. Very well done. Last Sunday's Bears-Saints game made NFL history. Not, of course, due to how badly the Bears played. That's not historic. But because it was aired on Nickelodeon, the kids' TV channel.

It was an unlikely decision for a kids' network. They bucked Nickelodeon's reputation of never allowing programs with offensive lines. The telecast had all of the standard flair that Nickelodeon fans have come to expect. There were CGI slime cannons in the end zone after every touchdown. SpongeBob's face appeared between the goalposts on field goal attempts.

And at halftime, Dora the Explorer ran out onto the field and tore her ACL. Didn't they have virtual slime in the end zone too? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cannons, cannons of slime were shooting off.

Did you, from the four corners of the, I watched clips of it and I thought, you know, this is good. Let's get the children of America into an objectively violent sport as early as possible. There was like a moment when, when they did get some criticism for how they were trying

to sell football to kids, like the Saints Taysom Hill, he was slow to get up they say, after hitting his head and one commentator said, quote, he's getting up a little slowly. It's like scraping your knee at recess. Unquote. Right, kids? Just like at recess. We call that here a fun

cushion. He's seeing cartoon birds. Isn call that here a fun cushion. He's seeing cartoon birds. Isn't that charming? Here is your last limerick. Alone on an island, some mite grouse. They have friends, perhaps

even the right spouse. But locked down in a tower, I'll savor each hour. I'll watch movies down in a tower, I'll savor each hour. I'll watch movies alone in a... Lighthouse? Yes! You did that! You knew it, you just couldn't believe it.

But the answer is lighthouse. Instead of a week-long event in crowded movie theaters, this year's Gothenburg Film Festival in Sweden is inviting just one single person to watch all the movies alone in an old lighthouse. So instead of hundreds of moviegoers getting together and possibly dying of COVID, one person will definitely die from ghost murder. The film festival announced its lighthouse cinema contest earlier this week. One lucky person will get locked inside this Swedish lighthouse to watch a selection of over 60 new films

because nothing says festival like getting locked inside alone. So it turns out every day of each of our lives for the past 10 months has been a festival. Is this person operating the lighthouse too? Because that's a lot to ask of one movie critic. Oh, the movie was just getting good and I had to go and like turn on the light to ward off the ship.

I hate when that happens. Bill, how did Anjali do? How about Anjali? She got them all right. Way to go. Yay. Congratulations. Yay.

Good for you. Thank you so much for playing. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm always alone. There's nobody home And at the end of the day

I'm always alone Always alone This message comes from NPR sponsor, the NPR Wine Club. Get the world of wine delivered to your home with stories inside every bottle and favorite NPR shows and personalities arriving in liquid form. Like, wait, wait, don't tell me, Pinot Noir. The NPR Wine Club is a delicious way to support NPR's programming. If you're 21 or older, uncork your special offer and an exclusive bottle of NPR 50th Anniversary Prosecco at nprwineclub.org. Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can.

Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Well, Luke has five, Nagin has six, and Roxanne has six. All right, Luke, you are in second place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Mitch McConnell said he wouldn't reconvene the Senate for President Trump's blank trial until after Joe Biden's inauguration. Impeachment. Right. On Tuesday, the U.S. announced they would require negative blank tests from all international travelers. COVID. Right.

This week, former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder was charged for his lack of action over blanks water crisis. Flint. Right. On Thursday, New York's attorney general announced a suit against the NYPD for their handling of the blank protests earlier this year. Black Lives Matter. Right. Thanks to new Brexit rules, a British truck driver was stopped by officials in the Netherlands after he attempted to smuggle blank across the border. Bee feeders. No, the ham sandwich he was going to eat for lunch.

On Wednesday, it was reported that President Trump was refusing to pay blank's legal fees. Rudy Giuliani. Rudy Giuliani on Monday. Billionaire Republican donor blank passed away at the age of 87. Sheldon Adelson. Right. This week, a young girl in England's plan to make extra money from the tooth fairy was foiled when her mom discovered blank. She had already lost all her teeth. No.

She was 26. Mom discovered that the tooth she put under the pillow was just a tic-tac. After cashing in on some baby teeth, the nine-year-old came up with this brilliant scheme. She split a tic-tac, a little white mint, in half. And she added, she's so good at this, a bit of red paint to one end to make it look realistic. Sticks it under the pillow, voila, the perfect crime. Unfortunately, her mom found the tooth first

and identified it as a fake because, like all people who find teeth under pillows, she put it in her mouth to see if it was minty. Watch that kid. That kid is going places. All right. Bill, how did Luke do in our quiz? He's hot. Had six right for 12 more points. He now has 17.

All right. Nagin and Roxanne are tied. Nagin, I'm going to let you go next so Roxanne can have the pleasure of coming after you and beating you like a drum. All right. Here we go, Nagin. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, President-elect Joe Biden revealed his administration's plan for blank relief. Coronavirus. Yes, on Monday, it was reported that officials were considering sedition charges against the rioters who blanked. Storm the Capitol. Right.

This week, the FBI warned police chiefs to be on high alert for extremist violence during blank. The inauguration. Right. Two New York men were arrested on drug possession charges after they blanked. After they sang an opera. After they went back to get all the drugs they had forgotten in their rental car. On Tuesday, streaming service Blank announced they would release a new movie once a week for the entirety of 2021. HBO Max?

Netflix. On Monday, Alabama beat Ohio State to win their 13th national title in Blank. Football? Yes, this week a woman in Canada was fined after trying to get around lockdown restrictions by blanking. Emma beat Ohio State to win their 13th national title in blank. Football? Yes. This week, a woman in Canada was fined after trying to get around lockdown restrictions by blanking. Wearing a mask everywhere. No, by walking her boyfriend on a leash. The woman hoped to get around Quebec's curfew by taking her boyfriend for a walk. You're allowed to walk your dog, so why not walk your boyfriend?

Unfortunately, she was caught pretty easily. The boyfriend just didn't make a convincing dog. No matter how hard, he humped the officer's leg. Phil, how did Nagin do on our quiz? Pretty good. Nagin had four right for eight more points. She now has 14, but with 17, Luke still has the lead. All right.

How many then does Roxanne need to win? Roxanne needs six to win. Oh, here we go, Roxanne. This is for the lead. All right. How many, then, does Roxanne need to win? Roxanne needs six to win. Oh, here we go, Roxanne. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Johnson & Johnson said the trials for their single-shot blank showed it was effective. Vaccine. Right.

This week, Blue Cross and Marion International joined other companies in halting donations to lawmakers who blanked. Who voted against the certification of the election. Yes, of the election. After his foreign counterparts refused meetings with him, Secretary of State Blank canceled his trip to Europe. Mike Pompeo. Yes, he was dissed by Lichtenstein. On Monday, Chad Wolf, the acting Secretary of Blank,

was the latest Trump appointee to resign. DHS. Right. Homeland Security this week. Pop star Post Malone announced he was donating 10,000 blanks to frontline workers. Pizzas? No. 10,000 of his sold-out signature Croc shoes.

Oh, that's right. On Monday, right-wing social media platform Blank sued Amazon after the company pulled their web hosting services. Parlor. Right. On Thursday, a new report showed that Blank claims had soared to their highest total since August. Unemploylor. Right. On Thursday, a new report showed that blank claims had soared to their highest total since August. Unemployment. Right. This week, a school in New Jersey had to be evacuated after a student brought in blank

as part of a science project. Oh, was this the uranium-covered thing to test his Geiger counter? Yes, that's exactly what it was, Roxanne. It was a hunk of uranium. The teenager had wanted to show off how a Geiger counter worked, so he brought in a quarter-sized piece of uranium glass, which eventually led to the whole school being evacuated. The student has since apologized, saying that he was assured the glass was safe,

and though no disciplinary action was taken by the school, the Trump administration slapped harsh sanctions on his allowance. Bill, did Roxanne do well enough to win? Caught him on the curves. Roxanne had seven right for 14 more points, which means with 20 points, she is the champion this week. What a surprise.

If you put the uranium kid and the fake tooth kid together, I'll tell you what, they're going to rule the world. In just a minute, we'll ask our panelists to predict how they will explain Samantha's absence from the Sex and the City reboot. But first, let me tell you. Wait, wait, don't tell me. This is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug, better get that dog out there. Berman, benevolent overlord.

Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Cappadona. Our brand new intern is Emma PowerPoint Choi. Happy birthday, Emma. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer

Mills, Miles Dernbos, and Lillian King. Peter Gwynn is our Samantha. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, how will they explain Samantha's absence on the show?

Nagin Farsad. What happened is that Samantha started wearing cargo pants, and it created an insurmountable division in their friendship. Roxanne Roberts. All those little deaths finally caught up with her, but she died a happy woman. And Luke Burbank. She'd successfully sexed everyone in the city and moved to Utica to start the process over again. Well, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Nagin Farsad, Roxanne Roberts, and Luke Burbank. Thanks to all of you for listening. Hey, it's getting better. Don't you think? I can feel it. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week.

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