Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Piper Kerman

Episode Date: July 20, 2019

Piper Kerman, author, joins us along with panelists Mo Rocca, Maeve Higgins, and Alonzo Bodden.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Forget about LeBron, you've got LeBell. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Blossom Music Center in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. It is wonderful to be here at Blossom, a music venue founded back in 1968 by the beloved Mayim Bialik sitcom, for which it is named. Later on, we're going to be talking to Piper Kerman, the author of Orange is the New Black, who's now teaching writing in prisons here in Ohio. But first, the New York Times published an amazing expose this week, close to our hearts, with a shocking conclusion. We have reached, quote, peak podcast. That's right.

Every single person in America now has a podcast. So from here on, podcasts will slowly decline until there are none left, and people will stop committing unsolved murders out of a lack of interest. If you don't want to bother starting a podcast but still want to hear your voice on one, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hey, this is David. Hey, David. Where are you calling from? Little Falls, Minnesota. Little Falls, Minnesota. Now, I lived in Minnesota, but I never came across Little Falls. Where is that? Smack dab in the heart of Minnesota. Right in the middle. Right in the middle. And what do you do there in the middle of Minnesota?

My wife and I own a bicycle shop. Well, you do. You know, I've often thought that if I truly wanted to give up everything else and just be happy, I would run a bicycle shop. Am I right in this assumption? You would be very happy. I would be very happy. Make people happy by helping them ride a bike.

That's awesome. Well, David, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian you can listen to on the new Fear Not podcast. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello, David. Hello, Alonzo. Next, a comedian and writer whose new audio series, Aliens of Extraordinary Ability, is out now on Audible. It's Maeve Higgins. And finally, the host of the Mobituaries podcast, his Mobituaries live show will be at the House of Independence

in Asbury Park, New Jersey on August 21st and Stage 1 in Fairfield, Connecticut on August 22nd. It's Mo Rocca! David, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail.

Are you ready to play? I am thrilled to play Bill. Here we go. Your first quote is from the President of the United States. Those tweets are not racist. He was talking about some tweets he sent earlier that were totally what? Racist. Yes. Totally racist. Now, the country has been arguing for some years if the president is racist or just, you know, racially charged or racist curious or merely, you know, racy. It all started when Trump told four congresswomen

to go back to their countries. He was just testing it. If it worked, he'd try it on Melania. Hey, you laugh. It's cheaper than what he had to do to the last two. So this go back to your country thing was so unvarnished that many news organizations threw up their hands and just called it racist, even NPR, which stands for no, please don't say racist. NPR said it. This is an organization that is so even-handed,

it covers a kick to the crotch by talking both to the crotch and the foot. The thing is, is that three of the women were born in the United States. They were. I mean, Ayanna Pressley, she represents Massachusetts, but she was actually born in Cincinnati. Now, I realize that this crowd saying go back to Cincinnati is like going back to a hellhole.

Yes, I understand. That's how they see it. I understand. They're from Cleveland. I'm not getting in the middle of that. We can't give in to these horrible prejudices, Mo. We are, you know, we are all one. The president held one of his rallies on Wednesday night

and this whole thing, when he started going after Ilhan Omar, they started chanting, send her back, send her back. That was really ugly. The fact is, you've got to give the president this. He's really good at coming up with chants, like lock her up, send her back. The Democrats keep trying it. It doesn't work with their programs.

Free college tuition, but only at public universities for qualifying applicants with a limit on family income of $225. All right, your next quote is from NBA star DeMar DeRozan reacting to a photo of himself that somebody posted using something called FaceApp. Whoever started this app, man, y'all messing people's life up. DeRozan was upset that FaceApp made him, like it does to everybody who uses it, look what?

They look older? That's exactly right. They look old. It's 20 years, specifically, right? It's 30 years, I believe. FaceApp took over the internet this week. It gives you a picture of what you would look like when you are 30 years older. The images were all extraordinarily realistic.

They could replace the previous technology for finding out what you'd look like old, looking at your parents. But what does it mean if you run the photo through the app and you just get back a picture of a coffin? Well, I like it because I want to marry a guy who's like 30 years older than me, just for my own reasons.

So I'm going to upload all my FaceApp photos onto my dating profile so he'll be like, oh, a nice old lady just like me, because that's what old guys like. Speaking as an old guy, no, we don't. Yeah, sadly. But here's the thing, and you might have heard this too.

It turns out the app was made by Russian programmers. The Democrats, led by Chuck Schumer, advised people to delete the app immediately. It makes sense. The Dems need to stop it. If the Russians use that old-face technology on Joe Biden, it'll just be a picture of a handful of dust. And sadly, they already got to Bernie. Your last quote is about a big shake-up in spy movies.

Who cares if it's a woman, as long as she still drinks martinis, kills bad guys, and has sex with lots and lots of women. That was writer Jesse McLaren reacting to news that what movie icon will be played by a woman in the next film? Bond. James Bond. Very good, David. A woman will be the next James Bond or technically Agent 007,

but that doesn't matter because no one cares less about distinctions like that than fans of popular movie franchises. They're also easygoing. According to reports, British actress Lashana Lynch will be playing Agent 007 of the British MI6, the first woman ever to do so.

James Bond, though, will still be around in the film. He's played by Daniel Craig again, but now he's retired. We all know what happened to Bond. He got me-too'd. You know that, right? Definitely. It's like, James, you were calling this woman pussy galore.

Her name is Deborah. Well, usually Bond is sent to go see M and Q. Now he had to go see HR. So is he just going to be sort of like a kindly old sort of uncle figure? Well, it's unclear, but we hope that a female 007 means there will be Bond boys just as ridiculously objectified as all the Bond girls have been. So it's like 007, your mission is to link up with an informant, a 22-year-old surfer named Octodong. You talked about the fans. I mean, the ones, imagine the people who lost their mind over a black little mermaid. Yeah, I know.

When they get 007 as a black woman, they probably just died in their basement. It was just too much, and they just keeled over. Yeah. Bill, how did David do on our quiz? David nailed it. All three. Congratulations, David. Thank you so much for playing.

Thanks. Rhino panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Maeve, this week the House of Representatives ordered an investigation to discover if the Pentagon ever secretly tried to make what into a weapon? I can tell you, first of all, what the Pentagon is. That's very good, Maeve. Is it something to do with the weather? It is not.

Can you give me a clue, please? I certainly can. I love the smell of Lyme disease in the morning. It smells like victory. So it's the creature that you get Lyme disease in the morning. It smells like victory. So it's the creature that you get Lyme disease from? Yes, which is? The slug thing? Not a slug.

That's in a swamp? Can it... No, it's distracting me. What sound does a clock make? Tick. Boom. It's a tick, yes. A secret Pentagon...

Excuse me. A secret Pentagon program to weaponize ticks. Thank you to the panel for that joint effort. My hints are much more direct. I know. You don't mess around. I appreciate that about you. I've got something to do after this show.

I've got to come. So a House committee is ordered in an investigation into whether this happened because there's evidence to suggest that the Department of Defense may have experimented with turning ticks into military weapons because the wars of the future will not be won with bullets. It will be won by convincing the enemy to run through the tall grass with short saw. It really makes me, it just makes me wonder how much free time do military investigators have. It's so true.

That you would actually, listen, listen, we need a report. We need to know if they were investigating using ticks back in the 60s. I would sit at my computer and play games and just make it up. Yeah, yeah, they did. But when they were trying to get Castro, didn't they do all sorts of... They did, yeah....cigars and... Totally Wiley Coyote. Yeah. Yeah. They did. But when they were trying to get Castro, didn't they do all sorts of Oscar things? They did. Floating cigars. Totally Wiley Coyote.

Yeah. Poisoned wetsuits and all that sort of thing. Yeah. And I think they sent fish or something, like aggressive fish to Cuba. They sent aggressive fish? Fish to Cuba. Like a swordfish?

Yeah, like a swordfish. But with a bayonet. Maeve, you've just started another investigation. It's true. Coming up, our panelists get canned. It's our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't 1A on NPR as we consider the future of gaming.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Mo Rocca, Maeve Higgins, and Alonzo Bowden. And here again is your host at the Blossom Music Center at Cuyahoga Valley National Park,

Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Right now, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, this is Jeremy Sims in Whittier, North Carolina. Whittier, North Carolina? I don't know where that is.

What's Whittier like? Close to the Smoky Mountains National Park in Cherokee. And what do you do there? I'm a wine rep and a musician. You're a wine rep? What's the wine scene like in North Carolina? It's good in the summertime when it's tourist season.

Right. And speaking of which, you know, I wish NPR and National Geographic and all you guys with your wine clubs to stay in your lane. Really? To eat the wine of the professionals. Wait, is there NPR wine? You didn't know about the NPR wine club? Oh, yeah.

Like, that's so... Weekend Edition Cabernet. Oh, my God. Morning Edition wine sounds so sad. Yes. NPR wine. It's very dry but balanced. Morning edition wine sounds so sad. NPR wine. It's very dry, but balanced.

Jeremy, it's very nice to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Jeremy's topic? Director of the Iowa Department of Human Services. You're fired. Iowa, the state where New York Mayor Bill de Blasio lives, just fired the 66-year-old director of its Department of Human Services. Why? Our panelists are going to tell you, but only

one of them is telling the truth. Pick that one, and you'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to play? I'm ready. Let's first hear from Maeve Higgins. It's not where you've been, it's where you're at. A cool saying, but not one that applies to Jerry Foxhoven, the director of the Iowa Department

of Human Services, who was recently asked to resign from his post. The shocking reason for his resignation is only becoming clear now. He does not live in Iowa. Nor, it turns out, has he ever even been there. It began when Mr. Foxhoven was at a meeting in

D.C. and referred to Iowa as that lovely place by the sea. When Jiminy Limpet, an Iowa housing official, heard his colleague saying that, he quizzed him, asking what their state was famous for. Mr. Foxhoven replied in a shaky voice, well, you know Iowa, the lone star state. How about those Iowa bug eyes? Next year, we'll win all of the football games. That's when the newspapers picked up on it. One reporter reached Mr. Foxhoven on the phone and asked him some basic questions that anybody who lives in Iowa should know. In response to the question, where is Sioux City? He answered, I haven't seen Sioux in years. What a great girl.

Now that he's been fired, his former employees are connecting the dots. When it came to having team meetings, he would always video conference in, even when the meeting was happening just down the hall from his office. Contacted by reporters, some staff mentioned seeing a surfboard in the background and noting that in hindsight it was unlikely he was using it to surf on cornfields. Jerry Foxhoven's problem, he had never actually been to Iowa. Your next story of a pink slip comes from Mo Rocco. Until June 17th, 66-year-old Jerry Foxhoven

was Iowa's Director of Human Services. That was the day after he sent an email to 4,300 agency employees praising the music of the late rapper Tupac Shakur. Now, Foxhoven, formerly known as the notorious DHS director, isn't just a fan of Tupac Shakur.

He was hosting weekly Tupac Fridays to play his music in the office. For his own birthday, Foxhoven served Tupac-themed cookies, including one decorated with the words Thug Life. During his two years, he sent 352 Pac-themed emails to employees. When Governor Kim Reynolds asked him to resign, it was one week after Foxhoven sent an agency-wide email reminding employees to mark Tupac's birthday by playing one of his songs. Now, lest anyone think that a 66-year-old Iowan loving rap is funny, bear in mind that the very first rap was heard in the opening of the greatest American musical, which was set in Iowa, The Music Man. Cash for the fancy goods, cash for the soft goods, cash for the noggins and the pickings and the frickins, cash for the hogshead cask and demi johns, cash for the crackers and the pickles and the fly papers. What do you talk? What do you talk? What do you talk? What do you talk?

You can talk. You can talk. You can bicker. You can talk. You can bicker, bicker, bicker. You can talk all you want. But it's different than it was. No, it ain't. No, it ain't. But you gotta know the territory. Oh! Jerry Fox opened fire from his job in the Iowa State government because apparently of his overly enthusiastic appreciation of Tupac Shakur. Your last story of a dishonorable discharge comes

from Alonzo Bowden. Jerry Foxhoven loves Iowa. He loves the state cities and towns, the fields, the highways. He loves Iowa's humans and he loves providing them with services, which is good because he's the Iowa State Director of Human Services. But there was one problem. Jerry Foxhoven hates corn. It started with a Facebook page he called Corn is the Devil's Grain. Jerry posted all the reasons he hates corn. It gets caught in your teeth. It's hard to digest. posted all the reasons he hates corn. It gets caught in your teeth. It's hard to digest. Corn on the cob is a sloppy mess on your fingers. The page grew in popularity with other haters chiming in. An unpopped popcorn cracked my tooth. If I wanted to know what I ate the night before, I'd keep a diary. It even got political with attacks on ethanol fuel subsidies or the corn lobby's influences

on Congress. The problem with this is Facebook is public, and when corn farmers saw the page, they went straight to the governor. You can't be governor at a corn state and have a senior appointee hate corn. Rebecca Shields, a reporter from the Iowa Gazette, asked Foxhoven why the hatred of corn. Rebecca Shields, a reporter from the Iowa Gazette, asked Foxhoven why the hatred of corn. Foxhoven said he ate corn every day as a child and just got so sick of it he thought it would be funny to attack it. After the supporters joined his page it became a real thing and it spun out of his control. He sighed, I

guess in the end, corn won. All right. There really is a guy named Jerry Foxhoven. He really is 66 years old, and he really was until this week, the head of human services for the state of Iowa. Why was he fired? Was it because from Maeve, he didn't actually live in or had ever been to Iowa. From Mo Rocca,

his overt and perhaps over-enthusiasm for the rapper Tupac Shakur. Or from Alonzo, he just hated corn too much. Which of these are the real reasons, we believe, for his termination? It has to be Mo Rocca's story.

You're going to go with Mo Rocca's story of his enthusiasm for Tupac Shakur? I love the way he just said my name. Yeah, me too. All right, you picked his. Now, it's amazing because we were able to get in touch with the gentleman in question himself. My favorite song by Tupac.

Maybe I should change it to something else. That was Jerry Foxoven. He loves Tupac Shakur almost as much as he used to love Iowa State bureaucracy. Congratulations, you got it right. Mo was telling the truth, including about Meredith Wilson inventing hip-hop. So you have won our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Congratulations. All right, thank you.

Well done. Thanks so much for playing. Thank you. And now the game where we ask people who've been through a lot to go through something else. It's called Not My Job. Piper Kerman was a happy-go-lucky young woman when she just happened to happily go to Europe

with some drug money and got unlucky. She ended up serving a year in a woman's prison, but you know all that because she wrote a book about her experience called Orange is the New Black, which was adapted into the hit Netflix series. She now spends more time in prison here in Ohio, teaching writing to inmates. Piper Kerman, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Lovely to be here. Lovely to be here. It's great to have you. By the way, is it all right that we tell people that you're here in Ohio? Are you still on the run? I mean, I don't know what your status is. I am not on the lam, and yeah, I've been living here in Ohio for almost five years. It's been fantastic. And I feel, I mean, I of course believe that everybody knows your story, but maybe not. So let's go through it briefly. You were a young woman living, so we say, fancy free. This was back in the early 90s. And you had a friend who asked you to do this errand of bringing some money, which was ill-gotten.

She asked me to carry a bag of money from Chicago to Brussels. Right, which you did. Yes, I did. And just to be clear, you knew this was not like legit. This was not like a common favor. I have no claims of innocence on this. Okay. And you did that.

And then you extricated yourself from that relationship and that life, but then some years later, there was a knock on your door. Many years later, the thunderous, it was actually doorbell, but yeah. I was being metaphorical. Right. And to make a long and ultimately profitable story short, you ended up pleading guilty to charges of money laundering and went off to Danbury State Prison. Yes. Federal prison. Federal prison, right. And so we should say that the book obviously is a memoir. It's nonfiction.

But they took some liberties with the TV series, shall we say. The book is a true story. And the show takes the book, puts it in a blender, and puts a lot of other ingredients in that. And isn't that fantastic? It's fantastic. So are you a fan of the TV show? I am a fan of the show, for sure. And all the people, all the wonderful people who make it.

So you're back in prison, although now you were doing it as an instructor. And so what are you doing exactly? I teach a true story writing class. I teach a class in which students come in and write true stories from their own life, essentially a memoir writing class. And where a class in which students come in and write true stories from their own life, essentially a memoir writing class. And where are you doing this? I do that at the Ohio State Reformatory for Women, which is right smack dab in the middle of the state, and then at the

Marion Correctional Institution for Men. Do you ever teach them any of your famous prison recipes? They were very interested in the cheesecake recipe, actually, at the men's facility. The women all knew how to do it. I was actually amazed to read this in the book, that all this cooking went on, which I did not think was the thing that happened in prison, but apparently it does. Yeah, as it turns out, the food in the chow hall is pretty bad. So the skills of the prisoners are much better. The materials are kind of rough to work with, but you do what you can.

Well, first of all, I did notice that you said that the food was so bad, and since exercise was one of the few things you could do to spend your time, you ended up, at least at first, looking pretty great, you said. I ran a half marathon when I was in prison. That's how boring it is to do time. How do you run a half marathon in prison? You run a half marathon around a quarter mile gravel track. Good Lord. That is a lot of left turns. You must get dizzy. Wow. But as you say, the chow in the food hall was terrible,

so you started cooking for yourself. How do you make a cheesecake in prison? To make a cheesecake in prison, you need a Tupperware bowl. You have to have that. You have to have purchased it from the commissary or borrow it. You make a crust out of either smashed up graham crackers or Oreo, depending on your proclivities. Hold on. Hold on. I'm writing this down. Okay. Got it. You need some margarine that you've stolen from the chow hall. That is the only stolen ingredient in this recipe, which makes it novel and notable. And then for the filling, you take those kinds of cheeses that don't have to be refrigerated.

You need about a half a cup of pudding. You can usually get some pudding somewhere. And you sort of beat those things viciously together until they're creamy. And then you lay a beating on it. You lay a beat down on the pudding and the cheese. And you also start to add an entire thing of cremora, about yay tall. I'm putting my hands about 8 to 10 inches.

Cremora is the powdered cream substitute. Powdered non-dairy creamer. Yes. You put that in there the whole container you try not to think about what's what's going in what's in there yeah right and you mix and you mix and then actually what you have is kind of a soupy mess right yes well then you take the plastic squeeze lemon and you put i would use really most of the lemon and you start to squeeze that into the mix and it tightens up. I attribute whatever mysterious things are contained in non-dairy creamer,

but it's remarkably like the texture of a New York cheesecake. Oh my God. And the taste, or so it seems, if you're in prison. Right. Oh, wow. Wow. You have got to get a Food Network show. I know.

This is so great. Well, Piper Kerman, it is a pleasure to talk to you. We have invited you here to play a game that we're calling... Launder This. So you were busted, and as we've discussed, served time for money laundering, which made us wonder how much you know about the more traditional kind of laundering. Answer two out of three questions about what they call clothing laundering.

We'll win a prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might like on our show, on their voicemail. Bill, who is Piper Kerman playing for? Sophia Casa of Ohio, who's here with her family today. Alright, this is for Sophia. Thank you. You ready to do this? I am. Yes. Here's your first question. American pioneers had a very

inventive way of dealing with dirty clothes. What was it? A. Sticking them in the old faithful geyser in Yellowstone and waiting for it to erupt, B, shooting their laundry with, quote, soap shot, or C, just standing near a buffalo and blaming the animal for the stink?

Huh. I'm going to go with Old Faithful. You're exactly right. Oh. That is... According to an account left by explorers, they say they would just stick their laundry in the geyser, wait for it to go up, the laundry would blow out in the air,

they'd pick it up and be clean. That's what I would do. Absolutely. Next question. While he was writing Walden, Henry David Thoreau, of course, shut himself off from civilization. That made getting his clothes clean difficult. What clever technique did Thoreau use

to get his clothes clean during his year living at Walden Pond? A, coat his clothes in honey and let the bears lick them clean. B, he used his philosophical insights to convince the clothes to turn away from dirt. Or C, he walked the mile into town and had his mom do it for him. This is so easy.

C. You are a mom. Yes. Yeah. Walden isn't that far out of town. They also brought food for him. All right, last question. Nowadays, things, of course, in laundry,

as with everything else, it's all high-tech. Astronauts on the International Space Station do their laundry how? A, by laser. B, hanging them on a line outside. Or C, loading their dirty laundry into a cargo spaceship and letting it burn up on re-entry. I think it's basically a version of disposable underwear I'm going to go with C. You're exactly right.

There's no water up there. It's much easier to bring up clean laundry in a cargo ship, put the old laundry in the ship, and let it burn up on re-entry. You're exactly right. Bill, how did Piper do in our quiz? She got all three right. And that's a good job. Piper do in our quiz? She got all three right.

Congratulations. Piper Kerman, very well done. Thank you. Piper Kerman is the author of the book Orange is the New Black. The adaptation of the book is on Netflix. Its final season drops on July 26th. Piper Kerman, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. And great week on television.

Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. From Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much. In just a minute, take a deep, tasty breath. It's our listener limerick challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from MailChimp. So you want to grow your business? Now what? MailChimp's all-in-one marketing platform, that's what. It has all the marketing stuff you need all in one place so you can save time and money. And it's powered by a marketing CRM so you can collect, organize, and understand your

audience data. All to help you market smarter and grow faster. Learn more at MailChimp.com. While you're sleeping, a whole bunch of news is happening around the world. Up First is the NPR News podcast that gets you caught up on the big news in a small amount of time. Spend about 10 minutes with Up First on weekday mornings from NPR News. From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Alonzo Bowden, Mo Rocca, and Maeve Higgins. And here again is your host at the Blossom Music Center at Cuyahoga Valley National Park, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill tries to find a friend on Grimender in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Mo, this week, researchers published a translation of a historic document, the earliest known communication between Christians outside of the Bible. It dates from 230 A.D.,

and it's a letter from one brother to another in which the writer pleads with his brother for what? Oh, he pleads with... This is in the 3rd century. Yes, indeed. He's saying, He pleads with... This is in the third century. Yes, indeed. He's saying, when are you going to be done with Leviticus?

I want to read it now. Because I love dietary restrictions. Give me a clue. I shall. We don't know if the phrase he used translates to ketchup, mayo, or A1. Oh, it's one brother telling him about a great new condiment he discovered. Or asking for a condiment. That's it. He's asking for sauce.

Pick up the sauce. Exactly. The letter begins, Greetings, my lord, my incomparable brother, Paulus. And it goes on, Please bring back that sauce I like. It's basically a primitive form of texting somebody to pick up dinner on the way home. The brother offers to reimburse Paulus via Venmo.

In those days, that was the name of the cow bladder you kept your coins in. The sauce in question is a fish liver sauce, which sounds gross, but when the entree every night is lark's tongues, you want to drown it in that stuff. Of course, it probably wasn't real fish liver sauce. You know it was just slang for weed.

And where was this discovered? This was discovered in, it was a papyrus that originally came from Egypt. It had been sitting for decades in somebody's archive and somebody took it out and translated it and discovered what it was. I love a fast food Rosetta Stone. It's funny to think,

you know, you think about it, the Rosetta Stone, what was it? It's all this writing on a slab. Maybe it was a menu at a drive-thru. Yeah, exactly. People call up and they go, oh, I'll have the fish sauce. We're all out of fish liver sauce. Maeve. Maeve, this week the website Lifehacker posted their advice for avoiding stress while flying.

We all need that. Their number one tip is what? Don't sit in the window. Really? Because did I, you know that I was just airsick this week. I did not know that Maeve. It is the worst because it changes your voice and this thing happened to me where I was sick and then I said to the child sitting beside me, I was stuck in the window so I said, I felt like oh I'm going to be sick and so I said to the child sitting beside me, I was stuck in the window. So I said, I felt like, oh, I'm going to be sick. And so I said to the child, excuse me, can you just, you know, can I just go to the restaurant? You know, really nice, politely. And then they took so long with their iPad and their headphones and I barfed all over the seat and all over myself.

And then I turned to the child and I said, Get the stewardess! Like the exorcist. I was like, who's speaking? Who is that? Did you barf on the kid? On the kid. On the man in front. On myself. Somehow, on the kid's parents sitting behind me got hit.

That's amazing. You managed to barf backwards. I was really, you know, it was extraordinary. I was almost proud. Well, this is all charming. Makes me love and appreciate you even more, Maeve. But that's not relevant to the question at hand. The question was, what are the tips?

According to Lifehacker, the number one thing you should do for a lovely, relaxing, easy flight. Don't eat pasta and pesto before you get... Clearly that. I'm going to give you a hint. This doesn't sound crazy. It's only crazy to anybody who's ever done it, that they're advising this.

Oh, take a red eye. Take a red eye, yes. We'll give it to whoever said it first. Now,'re advising us. Oh, take a red-eye. Take a red-eye, yes. We'll give it to whoever said it first. Now, their argument is, yes, take a red-eye. A flight leaves at, say, 11 p.m., gets in at 5 a.m. Security lines are shorter, the tickets are cheaper, the plane is more likely to be empty, but that's because no one else is stupid enough

to take the red-eye. Their main argument, though, is that you'll sleep better, which makes sense, except for the fact that the flight is named after what happens to you when you do not sleep. That's why it's called that. Yes. I would take pink eye over red eye any day. Absolutely.

I think the thing to do is find out what flight Maeve is on and not that. That's the first. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Jamie Regula, and I'm from Salem, Ohio. Salem, Ohio.

Forgive me for not knowing this, but how far is Salem from where we are in Cleveland, or near Cleveland? It's like an hour. An hour away. And what do you do there in Salem? Well, I work as a forester, but the dream is to be a stay-at-home cat mom. Wait a minute. You work as a forester. Isn't it usually the other way around? The people at home with their cats wish they could be out in the forest? Maybe, but my cats are really great.

Yeah, that's true. Jamie, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you'll be a winner. All right, here is your first limerick. Pay attention. Come close. Take good care. Now what do you see? Nothing there. H2O, CO2, and some magic will do. we have whipped up some food from thin air. Yes, thin air. A Finnish company

claims they can make an edible protein using only carbon dioxide water and electricity. A product currently known in the US as La Croix. The food this food made of thin air has a consistency they say similar to wheat flour,

which means you can finally gorge yourself on all the dry wheat flour you want guilt-free. So you're eating air? Yeah, the idea is they say we can actually make food from air using electricity, somehow creating edible proteins that gives you... Oh, but it will actually be a solid. Food that you eat. You're not just inhaling air. Yeah it will actually be a solid. That you eat. You're not just inhaling. Yeah.

It would be weird if that were the case. You'd be like, what are you trying to go on a diet? No breathing for me today, thanks. Trying to lose a few pounds. That's what it sounds like. It sounds like a new L.A. diet food. Yeah, it really does. All right, here's your next limerick.

This avian trend is absurd. By Hitchcock, this flock has been spurred. They dive bomb for fun while I'm out on a run. I have just been attacked by a... Bird! Birds! Birds are going crazy this summer. Dive bombing and stealing food out of people's hands.

Red-winged blackbirds are the biggest aggressors, attacking anyone who comes near their habitats. While these attacks might seem random, it is breeding season. The birds are really just saying, hey, knock next time. Or they should just hang a necktie on their nest knobs. They take time out of their

lovemaking to bomb a person? Yeah, apparently they're very protective of their nests during breeding season. It's also because the babies are there. Oh, the babies are made already. Yeah, in some cases the babies are made, so they're very protective. All right, Jamie, here is your last limerick.

As Pottery Barn makes amends, Phoebe's wrath will now pay diffidence. Soon you'll all run across chairs from Rachel and Ross. We sell furniture featured on... Shh. Sidebar. Friends? Yes, friends.

Boy, you're good. With the new Friends-inspired furniture line from Pottery Barn, you can spruce up your space with iconic living room pieces from the sitcom Friends. You can get your Central Perk mugs. You can have Rachel's coffee table. You can have a bunch of lazy people lying around who somehow don't need jobs. Friends,

as you all know, is a television show that ended about 15 years ago. People still watch it because of the hilarious antics of Rachel, Ross, Niles, Roz, and Frasier. Turns out there's a lot of this going around. A lot of stuff sponsored by TV shows.

Pottery Barn is doing Friends. Unfortunately for Sears, the Chernobyl furniture did not turn out so well. I was wondering about Orange is the New Black furniture. Oh, boy. Bill, how did Jamie do in our quiz? Jamie's been waiting for it all her life life and it paid off with a perfect score. Congratulations, Jamie. Take care and thanks.

Bye. Bye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as he or she can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Mo has five points. Maeve has one.

Alonzo has two. All right, Maeve, you're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the House voted to hold Attorney General Blank in contempt of Congress. Affirmative. Looking for his name, Maeve. Looking for his name. Attorney General. Look, look, look.

Barr. Barr. Yes, William Barr. On Wednesday, Rand Paul blocked the Senate from approving a compensation fund for the victims of blank. 9-1-1. Right, 9-1-1. This week, the DNC announced that 20 presidential candidates had qualified for the next round of televised blanks. Debate.

Yes. On Monday, India scrubbed their planned mission She's ready. On Monday, India scrubbed their planned mission to blank just minutes before takeoff. What? Their mission to blank? Their mission to blank. Their mission to where? The moon, yes.

Very good. During a routine traffic stop in Oklahoma, police found blank, blank, and blank inside a man's vehicle. I need to think of three different words. You do, and you have to do it quickly. Oh, crazy, sexy, cool. Very good, but no. They found an open bottle of whiskey,

a live rattlesnake, and a canister of uranium. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization declared the blank outbreak in the Congo a global health emergency. Ebola. Right, on Sunday, Novak Djokovic defeated blank to claim his second straight Wimbledon title. Another tennis player. That's correct, but we're looking specifically for Roger Federer.

This week, Arby's said they would not be adding the vegetable-based Impossible Burger to their menu, but they would be adding blank. Bacon. No! A carrot made of meat. It's so much easier to be a vegetarian now that there is a carrot made of meat. Fruit, vegetable.

Exactly. The new item from Arby's is made from turkey, which is then flavored like a carrot, so it has everything you love about meat except the taste. It's historic, and not simply because the product's launch was the first time somebody has said I want to show you all my meat carrot. It has not

been arrested. Bill, how did Maeve do on our quiz? Maeve, you're improving. Yeah? Five right, ten more points, a total of eleven, and you're in the lead. Alright. Alonzo. Alonzo, you're up next. Fill in the blank.

On Monday, the White House issued new rules effectively barring migrants from Central America from requesting blank. Asylum. Right. On Thursday, the U.S. Navy said it destroyed a drone from blank in the Strait of Hormuz. Iran.

Right. On Wednesday, the House voted to block President Trump's attempt to sell arms to blank. Saudi Arabia. Right. After spending months tending to and watering his girlfriend's new house plant, a man in Australia discovered blank. Her boyfriend?

No. Discovered that it was made of plastic. On Wednesday, streaming service blank announced its first major loss of U.S. subscribers. Netflix. Yes. With over 32 nominations, Game of Thrones leads the pack for the 2019 of U.S. subscribers. Netflix. Yes. With over 32 nominations, Game of Thrones leads the pack for the 2019 Blank Awards. Emmy.

Right. This week, police in Alabama warned that criminals flushing drugs down the toilet could lead to blank. Highly addicted alligators. You're exactly right. The police referred to these feared creatures as meth gators. Drug dealers in Alabama, if you keep flushing your stash down the toilet, you may end up creating a race, they say, of meth-addicted gators

roaming the streets looking for a fix. Well, that sounds way worse than a normal gator. Doesn't meth make your teeth fall out? Problem solved. Bill, I think Alonzo did pretty well. What do you think? He got six right. Twelve more points.

Fourteen. He's in the lead. All right. How many then does Mo need to win? Mo needs five to win. Oh, he can do that. Here we go, Mo. I don't know.

Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the House voted to block a call from Representative Al Green to start blank proceedings against President Trump. Impeachment. Right. Following the publication of a trove of offensive text messages, the governor of blank has said he will not be stepping down. Puerto Rico.

Yes, this week a federal judge permanently blocked the Trump administration from adding a citizenship question to the 2020 blank. Census. Right on Tuesday, former Supreme Court Justice Blank passed away at the age of 99. He was at a famous baseball game, right? He was, but what was his name? John Paul Stevens. Yes, he was at the game where Babe Ruth supposedly called his shot.

Right, right. This week a correctional facility in the UK announced a new program where well-behaved prisoners will be given blank. Cheesecake. No. Keys to the prison. A year after declaring bankruptcy, toy store chain Blank announced it was opening two new stores for the holiday season. Oh, Toys R Us. Yes.

This week, an apartment complex in Colorado sent residents a note informing them that Blank was no longer allowed. The people were no longer allowed. The people were no longer allowed. Loud laughter. Okay. The memo asked residents to only use library-level voices and stated that quote, loud laughter and conversation while people are relaxing in their homes is a nuisance

regardless of the time of day. In order to keep laughter to an absolute minimum, the building managers have installed radios that will play NPR in each apartment. Wait a minute, Peter. Colorado, the state that legalized marijuana. I know, they're going to have a problem. I wonder why they're so laughing.

Bill, how did Mo do? Did he do well enough to win? He got that five that he needed, so he wins with 15. Congratulations, Mel. Thank you very much. Thank you. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict after FaceApp what will be the next big app everyone will get excited about.

Wait, wait, don't tell me. This is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our interns are Panina Beattie and Lila Francis. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liddyman composed our theme.

Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Technical directions from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production coordinator is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock, and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big app

everybody goes nuts for? Maeve Higgins. Oh, it's called Face Off, and it makes you look like Nicolas Cage. Alonzo Bowden. There's going to be an app with no filters, no effects. You'll take a picture and see what you actually look like. God forbid. Mo Rocca.

It's called the Rum Tug Tugger app. It tells you what cat you'd be in the musical Cats. Even though I already know that I would be Skimble Shanks the Railway Cat. Well, if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Maeve Higgins, Alonzo Bowden, Mo Rocca. Thanks to all the staff and crew at the Blossom Music Center. Thanks to everyone at WCPN Idea Stream and everyone at WKSU.

Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Blossom. You're the best. And to all of you out there for listening, I'm Peter Sagan. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.