Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Sarah Cooper

Episode Date: June 6, 2020

Sarah Cooper, comedian, joins us along with panelists Alonzo Bodden, Helen Hong, and Peter Grosz.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Hey everybody, don't call in the military, call in the billitary. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, hiding in his presidential bunker, Peter Sagal. Hiding in his presidential bunker, Peter Sagal. Thanks, Bill, and thanks, fake audience, which this week is a bunch of people at midnight on New Year's Eve 2019 who were so happy that year was over and just knew the next year was going to be so much better. We want to start the show this week with some breaking news. It's June. I know we're as surprised as you are. And look, this is a challenging week to make jokes about the news.

There is obviously nothing funny about police violence and racism. Who would have thought a week ago that the global pandemic would be our good news segment? Anyway, we're going to do our best today, and we are very glad you're all here with us. Give us a call to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, Peter. This is Julian calling from Flagstaff, Arizona. Flagstaff, which is a beautiful place high up there in the mountains, right? It sure is. I'm looking at some beautiful ponderosa pine trees. I once got desperately lost on a run out there. It was one of the most terrifying times of my life, so I'm never coming back. What do you do there? Well, I'm taking care of my grandfather, and I work in local government. Oh, wow. So you're, like, quarantining with your grandfather?

I sure am. This sounds... Is it as charming and lovely as it would be in the sitcom version of your life? Oh, no. We like to get angry at each other

almost every day. Well, it's a different kind of sitcom then. Well, welcome to the show, Julian. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who has just been watching

all his shows get canceled everywhere, but you can watch him at Alonzo Bowden on Twitter or at Zofunny on can watch him at Alonzo Bowden on Twitter or at ZoFunny on Instagram. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello, Julian. How you doing?

Doing well, thanks, Alonzo. Nice to talk with you. Next, a comedian who hosts the Celebrity Trivia Podcast, Go Fact Yourself on the Maximum Fund Network, and who supports the work of the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, it's Helen Hong. Hey, hi, Julian. Hi, everybody. Hi. And finally, an actor and writer who wrote for the most recent season of At Home with Amy Sedaris,

currently airing on TruTV, it's Peter Gross. Hello. Hi, Peter. So, Julian, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to go? Yes, sir. Let's do it.

All right. Now, as you might expect, your first quote is from the President of the United States. Our country is doing well. It's doing fantastically well. Okay, we admit this is a little hard, but what country did the president say was doing fantastically well this week? Well, I'd hope that it was the United States, but at this point it could be China or Russia or anybody in between. No, it was the United States. We'll just give it to you. Yeah, you can't blame the president for... Okay, yes, you can blame the president. So cops dressed up like evil hockey goalies

are beating up people peacefully protesting the death of George Floyd at the hands of police. And yes, there's still that global pandemic thing going on. But our president spent most of the week in a White House bunker watching TV, and I guess what he saw was a lovely country with a smiling sun and rabbits playing in the grass, but then they turned off the Teletubbies and told him it was bedtime. By the way, the president now says that he didn't go down to the White House bunker to hide from the scary people outside. He says he went down there very quickly just to

inspect it, right? You know how it goes. You eat something funny, your stomach rumbles, and you say, whoops, time to go inspect the bunker. That's why he has that shirt that says FBI Federal Bunker Inspector. The worst thing about him being in the bunker is the poor Postmates guy who's carrying the Big Mac. I mean, there's all these rooms in the White House. He's banging on every door and he's like, where is he? Bunker? Where's the bunker? Him inspecting the bunker is like me saying, I've been pounding back the vodka to inspect the bottom of the bottle.

Now, the president did not like the coverage of him hiding in the bunker, so he had protesters removed by force so he could walk across the park in front of the White House carrying a Bible and stand in front of a church. It was weird to see Trump walking over there. Usually you'd expect him to take a golf cart for that distance. You know, my favorite thing about that Bible photo is, I guess one of the reporters said, hey, President, is that your Bible? And he went, it's a Bible. That's true. Which is like somebody being like, hey, Helen, that photo of Jake Gyllenhaal that you're holding

up, is that your boyfriend? And I'm like, it's a boyfriend. You are technically answering the question correctly i think he thought he would get a lot of credit for that too it is a bible thank you very much i'm donald trump i got 10 points so in order to get this amazing picture he had attorney general bar ordered the park cleared with flash grenades, riot police, and tear gas. Oh, no, no, wait a minute. I'm sorry. I apologize. The White House is insisting it was not actually tear gas. You know, it's just that the president was so brave and determined that the protesters were moved to tears and to vomiting and fleeing. It's a little known fact that Moses actually used tear gas to part the Red Sea.

That's true. I remember that. Moses had a bag of flashbangs to just keep those waters apart. This is not the first time. And then when Moses got the Ten Commandments, he held them and was like, oh God, this is so awkward holding these giant stone tablets in my hands.

Are those the commandments? They're our commandments. Here is your next quote. It comes from CBS in L.A. Each student would be assigned one ball to play with alone. That's one of the many new policies being set in place for when what starts up in the fall. When schools reopen in the fall. Exactly right.

This week's school finally ended in most of the country, and kids gratefully ran out of the room where they were attending Zoom classes and into another room. Where else are they going to go? So school administrators are already thinking about rules for the fall. The L.A. school district has said that kids won't be eating lunch together in the cafeteria, but alone in their seats in the classroom. Congratulations, nerds. You're not the only ones now eating with the teacher.

Oh, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. It really is. You're just going to give each kid one ball and they just have to hit it against the wall in their respective corners. That is, in fact, part of it. Every student at recess will be given their own ball. And think of the great games, Helen. You can play when everyone has a ball.

Like everyone stares sadly at their ball. And there's some kids who are still like, I'm so bad at this. I can't even hold a ball. I'm so bad of an athlete that holding a ball is beyond my capacity. Can you imagine the humiliation for the kids like me who are going to be picked last for holding their own ball? How happy are the parents going to be when the schools open? Because this homeschooling, I think most parents got to the point where they started telling their kids the truth. Like, look, you're never going to use algebra.

Just don't even worry about it. There's no geometry in the real world. Put that book down. All right, stop bothering me with your questions. Well, Julian, you're doing great so far. Here is your last quote. Godspeed, Bob and Doug. Those were the words spoken to two guys who became the first men to do what

from the United States in a long time? To launch into space. Exactly right, Julian. Very good. On Saturday, American astronauts launched into orbit from America as opposed to the way they've been doing it for the last nine years, standing on the side of the highway and holding up a sign saying, International Space Station? Did they actually launch into space or did they escape the Earth?

That's the question. They did seem pretty happy to go. Did they launch into space or escape America? There were a lot of people hanging. I've never seen that many people hanging on the side of a rocket in my life. It was like the last helicopter out of Saigon. Yeah. All the technicians were like, talk about inspect, you want to

talk about a fake inspection. All those guys were like, I'm just going to go on board and just look around. Start the countdown. It's fine. I'll get off by the time they get off. Bill, how did Julian do on our quiz? Julian did great. 3-0. Congratulations, Julian.

Thank you. Thank you. Stay safe and stay stay healthy julian thanks for calling thanks so much right now panel it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news peter finally we've been waiting for it a solution to climate change a piece in Bloomberg News this week proposes what is an effective way to stop the warming of the planet. Is it something it's not something super dark about like. Well, in fact, it will make it super dark. Oh, destroy the sun. Well, that would do it.

Not not quite. Not quite that extreme. It'll be nice to sit in the shade everywhere. Block the rays from the sun with a giant, one of those like sunsetter awnings that comes out from the side of your house. Exactly. All of a sudden,

the earth puts on that big tinfoil thing with sunglasses on it. Yeah. Just like a windshield. That's right. The suggestion is to block out the sun. Like Mr. Burns said in The Simpsons when he said... Exactly right.

The idea, however, didn't come from The Simpsons. It came from the time Michael Bloomberg stood behind someone who was five foot six inches tall at a Neil Diamond concert and couldn't see anything. So it's like a giant awning slash... Who is going to be holding this thing? Where is this thing going to be? What is this thing going to be attached to? Well, let me explain. Let me explain. What we would do, according to this article, is simulate a massive global volcano by releasing sulfur dioxide into the stratosphere, which would then spread around the Earth, because if movies have taught us

anything, it's that the skies darken right before good things happen. My real question is, if it's a giant global volcano volcano isn't that scheduled for like two weeks from now exactly just wait isn't that the next plague that's gonna hit us the giant volcano goes off no you know what's gonna happen next is aliens are gonna come and we're gonna be like this is just the worst time this is we haven't groomed in months like a year you a year. No, what's going to happen is the aliens are going to come. The aliens are going to come and say, take us to your leader. And we're going to go, no. Yeah.

Just no. We actually don't have a leader right now. Well, it's more of a loose collective that there's no centralized leader. So I can show you to Phyllis. Phyllis is great. Coming up, our panel is chow down in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Peter Gross, Alonzo Bowden, and Helen Hong. And here again is your host, the man who saw his shadow this morning, meaning six more weeks of quarantine. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill.

Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Melissa from Ithaca, New York. Ithaca, it's quite beautiful there. Do you get outside a lot? I do.

I try to go running and walking and biking when I can. We still had snow in the month of May, but now it's all melted and we're able to get out. Well, Melissa, welcome to our show. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Melissa's topic? Fruits, vegetables, and beyond. People are always finding new things to eat in the name of wellness. Kale, flax seeds, hydroxychloroquine.

This week, our panelists are going to tell you about a new healthy eating trend. Pick the real one. You'll win our prize, the weight waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play, Melissa? I am. All right. First up, it's Peter Gross. Nine-year-old Brian Butler of Chiefsburg, New York, loves his Oreos.

Every day after lunch, he eats two of the iconic sandwich cookies and washes them down with a glass of milk. He used to pack them in his Pokemon lunchbox to bring them to school, but like so many other kids, he's eating his lunch at home these days, and because he's not distracted by food fights or fending off offers to trade his cookies for yogurt, yuck, no way, Brian noticed something different about the flavor of his beloved Oreos. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, little Brian told the Putnam County Register, but something was weird. They tasted healthy or something. A quick scan of the

ingredient list by Brian revealed an item other than the familiar high fructose corn syrup, cocoa, and soy lecithin. It was kale extract. Brian was right. They were healthy or something. Since early February, Nabisco, the company that makes Oreos and dozens of other snacks, have been secretly adding various healthy ingredients to many of their most popular treats. They put tiny amounts of to many of their most popular treats. They put tiny amounts of kombucha in their malamars. They put probiotics in loranodons, chia seeds in Chips Ahoy, even CBD oil in Ritz. Nabisco head of PR, Justin Linowitz, explains,

Our plan was to roll out an ad campaign next week saying, What if your favorite snacks were healthier? Well, they are, and you didn't even notice. But then this little shh, I mean, and you didn't even notice. But then this little, I mean, this adorable child ruined our plan. For his part, Brian is not deterred and is suing Nimbisco on the grounds of, quote, flavor malpractice. The amount of the suit? Well, I estimated I ate two cookies a day for a month, says Brian. That's 60 cookies, which is about two packages at about $3 a package. That's $6 for the weird cookies I had to eat and $10 million for emotional distress.

My mommy is a lawyer and she said I should go for the throat. A kid suing Nabisco because of their secretly healthy Oreos. Your next story of a healthy food fad comes from Helen Hong. There are plenty of ways that restaurants are now encouraging social distancing. Some are seating every other table. others are setting up dividers, and some are giving their customers an unbearable stench. Yes, Burger King locations in Italy are making their patrons literally reek with their new social distancing Whopper,

which is just like a regular Whopper, but with three times the raw onions. The pungent new menu item is meant to make customers' breath so offensive that it naturally keeps others at least six feet away. Oh, I have a very bad feeling. It's probably going to taste very bad, said Sammy Goldberg, an American who videotaped himself taste-testing the suffocatingly potent new Whopper. Struggling with the burger, which was spilling out its excess onion slices, Mr. Goldberg took a bite and promptly started tearing up. That is the most pungent taste I've ever had in my life, he struggled to say between bites. My eyes are tearing. My throat hurts.

I don't think Italy is ever going to have another problem with social distancing. Later, he added, the smell of the onions was enough to keep me away from me. In my opinion, the social distancing whopper is a success. To which every Korean who has ever enjoyed kimchi scoffed, amateurs. A burger, and a Burger King in Italy, so pungent it will keep people six feet away from you, thereby keeping you safe

from infection. Your last story of a health nut comes from Alonzo Bowden. Denver resident Larry Miller likes his edibles. He just doesn't like eating them. A triathlete slash backcountry skier slash MMA fighter, Larry cares deeply about what he puts into his body, or as he likes to call it, his instrument. Quote, why does it always have to be cookies

or brownies or candies? Can't a man get high while maintaining optimum digestive health? Can't a man get high while maintaining optimum digestive health? He says that's what he was thinking when the idea came to him. High fiber. That is, nutritious vegan treats with loads of natural fiber and a guaranteed minimum 100 milligrams of THC. His first two flavors, Purple Flax and Pharoah Express, sold out quickly at the local dispensary, although not always to

health nuts. One early adopter, Lee Stanton, said he didn't care about getting in shape, he just wanted to tell his mom the edibles were healthy. Almost immediately there was a problem. You combine a high dose of natural fiber in the munchies and pretty soon people were enjoying their inner journeys sitting in a very small enclosed space trying to part ways with an entire bag of Doritos. Being potheads, though, the consumers found it funny. Eating a high-fiber bar followed by whatever the local convenience store had for dessert

became a game to them. Mr. Miller, though, was not deterred. If people ate suboptimally after a high-fiber bar, well, he enthusiasm for kale. Larry now sells his complete pre-made meals with the new name High and Higher Fiber. All right then, one of these stories is true. Is it from Peter Gross, the fact that Nabisco has been secretly making their tasty cookies and cakes healthier, hoping to surprise us with that later on. From Helen Hong, Burger Kings in Italy, serving sandwiches so pungent that once you eat them,

no one will come within six feet of you, keeping you safe from coronavirus. Or from Alonzo Bowden, an entrepreneur coming up with pot snacks that are actually healthy for you. Which of these is the real story of a health food in the news? I'm going to go with Helen's story. You're going to go with Helen's story of the Burger Kings in Italy serving sandwiches with so many onions that people stay away from you, keeping you socially distanced? Yeah. All right then. Well, here is somebody who actually tried

this particular health food. They're hoping because they have to eat this burger, you're going to have such terrible breath that people will not want to come near you. That was an actual audio of a man named Sam E. Goldberg trying the social distancing Whopper. That's from his YouTube channel, Respect the Chain. Congratulations! Melissa, you got it right. You earned a point for Helen.

You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. And now the game where we celebrate people we love by asking them to do something they may not like. It's called Not My Job.

I will be honest, sometimes it is hard to come up with things to say about the president that are weirder than the things he says himself. But comedian Sarah Cooper figured it out. Her TikTok videos of herself perfectly lip syncing the president's actual speeches have made her an internet star. Sarah Cooper, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. It's a pleasure to talk to you. So you do these incredible videos. To get it right, though, you must have to watch those clips over and over, right? It really is awful. It's really terrible. It's even worse for my husband because he has to listen to it and he has no use for it. I'm actually listening for a reason and he just gets to hear the same thing over and over and over and over again. And it's like being drilled into his brain.

And you've said that you've heard from fans of the president who like your videos? Yes. That's the weirdest thing about this. I've only been called the C word twice. That hardly counts in this day and age, really. I would think I would be called that every hour or something, but it really hasn't happened that much, knock on wood, of course. Well, I was going to congratulate you on being sort of an overnight success, but it turns out that's not true.

You've been doing a lot of really cool things for a while, but you started as like a Googler. You were at Google doing Google things. Yeah, I was a user experience designer for Google Docs. Was that your background, computer engineering? That's what you were supposed to be doing with yourself? Oh, no, no, no, not computer engineering, just design. Okay.

Nothing too heavy. It was more like digital design, graphic design, buttons. Buttons. You designed the buttons, the little buttons. I make the buttons. Right. You make the buttons. That's nice. And how did you get from that to this? Well, I started trying stand up before I joined Google, actually. And then I went broke. Because that's what happens when you try stand up comedy, you're actually paying to perform. So I wasn't making any money. And my Google job was my fallback career from my failed entertainment career so um but then I kept doing stand-up and

I kept writing while I was at Google and I wrote 10 tricks to appear smart meetings while I was at Google and that was a viral blog post and that's kind of what got me back out of Google was writing about my time at Google. Right. And what people were doing in meetings. If people can look it up, uh, the title again is 10 things you can do to look smart in meetings,

which I assume. That's not even remotely the title. Nice try Peter. And you just said it 20 seconds ago. Peter, you need to read that book. What is, what is, what is the actual title,

Sarah? It's 10 tricks. 10 Appear Smart in Meetings. 10 things to do to seem brainy at gatherings. I got it. And I'm assuming that you sat through a lot of meetings as you were coming up with these, right? Yeah, I sat through a lot of meetings. I attempted to do a few of these tricks. I saw a lot of these tricks done.

Some of them were done at the same time by one person. I put this out while I was still at Google, and I was scared people were going to think that I was making fun of them, my coworkers. And they did think that I was making fun of them, but they actually really liked it. And two weeks after the article came out, I was in a meeting with a VP, and he was pacing around the room, which is one of the tricks, just to pace around the room, make it look like you're about to leave. And then he asked the presenter to go back one slide. And those are the tricks. Which is another thing on the list, yes.

He did both of them at the same time and then he looked over at me and he winked. That's how you become a VP at Google. And on the basis of that thing, which much like your career work, went hugely viral and popular on the internet, you got a book contract and you wrote a hundred things you can do. I got to ask you, you're like, all right, you signed a book. You're going to write 90 more things. Like when did you start to panic about coming up with another one?

Like 13, 14? Actually, it was really easy. It wasn't that hard. It was actually hard to like narrow it down. And now would be a good time to plug my 2021 calendar, which is 365 tricks to appear smart in meetings. You get one every single day and it comes out in July. The best thing about that is there's gonna be a 2021,

everybody, we're gonna do it. Congratulations. I have no idea. That's the thing that sucks is, man, meetings have changed. Is there going to be a next year? We don't know what's going to happen. Is there anything you can do to appear smart on Zoom meetings? Yeah, there's a lot of things.

I mean, I think the background is important. You guys have books. You've got to have books back there to look smart. Oh, oops. To look like you're reading. I'm in bed you guys have books. You got to have books back there to look smart. Oh, oops. Look like you're reading. I'm in bed. You have laundry. I'm in my closet. So I have all the clothes that I own behind me. Sorry. I'm doing it. Peter's now on a beach.

I'm on a beach. That's very nice. That's very nice. I'm going with the blank wall. You and based on the success of your recent work are probably going to be taking a lot of meetings, I would hope, once we're allowed out of our homes. I started taking meetings. And that's another thing you can do to appear smart is you don't say you're attending meetings. Say you're taking meetings. Oh, right.

Yes. You're taking a meeting. Oh, I'm taking a meeting. I'm taking a meeting. I'm dying to know, though. So you're doing these videos. You're getting calls from, like, producers, executives, agents, and and they're saying we see you taking that idea and doing what with it I want to do a show where it's a black woman who fails up okay because it's all white guys failing up it's

a black woman who's yes a black woman who just messes up and she just for some reason keeps getting promoted science fiction brilliant it's Brilliant. It's not real. It's not real. Just like my second book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, that was also science fiction. Because it can't be done. You just can't do it without hurting men's feelings. Well, Sarah Cooper, it is a pleasure to talk to you.

But now it is time to play a game that this time we're calling... Dubbing Trouble. We are all amazed by how perfectly your lip-syncing matches Donald Trump's voice, but it made us think of the times when that hasn't worked out so well in dubbed movies. So we're going to ask you about misadventures in dubbing. If you get two right, you'll win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Sarah Cooper playing for? Ann Easton of Los Angeles, California.

All right, so if you get two right, you win any voice they might like saying anything they might like. So your first question, TV edits of popular movies have famously creative solutions for replacing swear words. Which of these was the famous catchphrase spoken by Bruce Willis

in the TV edit of Die Hard 2? Was it A, yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon, B, Yippee-ki-yay, Mothers and Truckers, or C, Yippee-ki-yay, Mubbita-wubbita? I'm going to go Mothers and Truckers. Mothers and Truckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was actually Mr. Falcon.

Nobody knows why they did that. There's nobody in the movie with the name Falcon. It's just what they came up with. Wow. All right. Next question. Some of Marlon Brando's dialogue in The Godfather had to be dubbed over in post-production, and the question is why? A, at this point in his career, Brando was addicted to helium, and many of his lines were delivered in a very high-pitched voice.

B, he kept calling Al Pacino's character Al Pacino. Or C, the stray cat that Brando was holding purged so loud during filming that it ruined several takes. Okay, well, you know, C seems the most likely. I'm definitely A, helium? Marlon Brando? No. Plus, he's a method actor so he wouldn't have he wouldn't have been doing helium playing that character so I'm going to go with a cat

you're going to go with a cat you're exactly right Sarah that's what happened the cat that he's famously stroking in the movie was a stray cat on the set that he picked up and adopted so we have one more chance and if you get this right you win sometimes even titles get dubbed for example the movie Airplane is known in Germany as which of these?

Translated back from the German. A. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a pilot now. B. The unbelievable journey in a wacky airplane. Or C. You are under arrest if you call me Shirley. I'm just going to go with B. And you are right to do so, Sarah. We remember the Germans are very careful people. They like to

describe things exactly. So yes, an unbelievable journey in a wacky airplane is an excellent description of that movie. Bill, how did Sarah Cooper do on our quiz? Sarah Cooper's our champion. Good going, Sarah. Congratulations, Sarah. Just to add this to the, I mean, you've been, you know,

interviewed by, you know, newspapers, you've had major comedians praise you, and now you have this. What a great week. Sarah Cooper is a comedian and author. Her most recent book is How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, and you can follow her on Instagram. It's Sarah CPR. Sarah Cooper, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, Sarah.

Take care and good luck. In just a minute, Bill turns out to be a fun guy in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Helen Huang, Alonzo Bowden, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host, a man who washes his hands after washing his hands,

just to be safe, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill orders the chef's special at a Rhyme-ster-ant in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, it is time to play the game that we like to call the viral load. Sometimes the COVID news moves faster than Donald Trump running to a bunker. We're going to ask you about it rapid fire, true or false style. Get your question right, you get a point.

You ready to play? Yes. Here we go. Alonzo, true or false, in response to COVID-19 hardships, the University of Saskatchewan announced that it would be reducing tuition for its fall semester by 18 whole dollars. True. Yes, to be fair, that's Canadian dollars,

and U.S. dollars, that's about $13. Helen, true or false, a theme park in Denmark is enforcing social distancing by adopting a no-bumping policy on their bumper car ride. False. Right, they're enforcing social distancing by allowing one person on the roller coaster at a time.

Peter, true or false, a man in Tantara, Peru who was out drinking with friends in violation of lockdown rules, laid down in a coffin and pretended to be a corpse to avoid arrest. True. Yes, that man was the mayor of Tantara, Peru. Alonzo, true or of course true, a man who attended the crowded Memorial Day pool party in Lake of the Ozarks has tested positive for coronavirus. Hard to believe, but I'm going to go with true. It's actually, of course, it's true, but we'll give it to you. Helen, true or false? According to the Washington Post, Americans are reaching record levels of fitness because of all the exercise they're doing during a lockdown. Oh, false. Right, they're reaching record levels of exercise injuries. Alonzo,

true or false? CNN reported this week that all the time we're spending at home is leading to an increase in the sales of sweatpants. True. No, it's false. It's leading to an increase in the number of nudists. Hell and true or false, Disney World is planning to reopen with social distancing rules enforced by playing the song Zippity-doo-dah-zip-a-six-feet-away

on loudspeakers. Uh, false. Right, the rules will be enforced by Imperial Stormtroopers from Star Wars. And that's it for our viral load. If they get coughed up, we'll bring them to you next time. Okay, panel, now it's time for some more questions from the week's news. Peter, as the pandemic rages on, according to the New York Times,

people in cities everywhere are deciding to make what lifestyle change? People in cities everywhere are deciding to make what lifestyle change? People in cities everywhere? Mm-hmm. They are throwing their trash out their window. No. I don't know. I'll take a hint. Don't wear your Manolo Blahniks out there in the field.

They'll sink into the dirt. People are not wearing heels? They're wearing flats? Yes. Someone steal this for the sake of sanity. Alonzo, go ahead. They're moving to the country. Exactly right.

Months of being stuck inside the same tiny apartments and the increased flexibility that people have for remote working has made many people choose to leave the city, go live off the land, raise chickens to lay eggs. The rural folk must be so happy about the urbanites coming to the country to learn their ways and give them coronavirus. Yeah. I mean, not a lot of people are not cut out for country life. If you were milking your cow and you ask the cow if it has almond milk, you should not be there. I actually understand this like inclination because since the lockdown has started, I've gone full doomsday prepper and I'm like growing a garden out on my patio for the first time

and uh I have so far killed many many plants so you're not cut out for this no like did nobody give me a chicken with all due respect a garden in a box on a balcony is not going full doomsday planning just think there's a little more involved in a doomsday plan than, oh my gosh, my little plant died in my box on my balcony. Oh no, Alonzo, I'm ready for when the big one drops because I have a window box with basil. You'll all be eating capreses that are just mozzarella and tomato, you fools.

Or aye. I have pesto until civilization rebuilds. I call mine basil, Peter. It's basil. I know. I said that wrong. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click on the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And if you want even more Wait, Wait in your week, check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions, all in the comfort of your home. And just like our panelists on The Real Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home. And just like our panelists on The Real Show,

you can play in the nude. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Catherine from Denver. What do you do there? I'm an English professor. An English professor. What do you specialize in? I specialize in apocalypse

and horror literature. So this is kind of my time. Wow. Really? Really? Your specialty is apocalyptic and horror literature? Yes, it is. I grew up reading a fair amount of post-apocalyptic science fiction.

And I have to say that when The End of the World came, I did not expect it to be so dumb. Have you? Yeah. And boring. Well, Catherine, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you will be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

On the path where we tread with our feet grows a fungus for old men to eat. A taste of this asphalt will help my pants pole vault. Skip Viagra, try licking the... Street. Yes, a street. Very good. Health experts are advising people against licking the fungus that sometimes grows on pavement after a rumor spread that it may have Viagra-like effects. When do people who believe this expect to make use of it? Hey, baby, just wait here. I got to go lick my parking spot.

It's hard to imagine how this myth even got started. Did somebody just trip in the sidewalk with their mouth open and suddenly feel frisky? They fell down with their tongue open and they popped up. Yeah, exactly. Boing. You know, what's great is how the rest of the world is looking at this. They're like, first we had to tell them not to drink bleach. Now we gotta tell them not to

lick the street. Maybe we'll just let them go. Exactly. Alright, here we go. Here is your next Limerick. The denim might burst at the seams because a runner's legs pound like machines. In very few seconds, world record, I reckon, a mile that was run in tight...

Jeans, yes. Very good. Johnny Gregoric is a 28-year-old professional runner, and he broke a record this week, the fastest mile ever run in jeans. Apparently, the runner took on the world record after the pandemic delayed his plans to compete in the Olympics, where his event is normally speed chafing. Gregoric nearly ran a four-minute mile in a pair of Levi's, but to be fair, it would have been way under four minutes

if he hadn't had to stop to figure out the button fly. Wait, was it spandexy jeans? No, it's actually funny that you ask, because as with any legitimate athletic event, there are very, very, very severe rules. In order to qualify as a champion, your jeans must be 100% denim or cotton. It specifies no jeggings. One runner who technically broke the record in 2017 had on jeans that were 99% cotton, and he still got an asterisk next to his title. How new are these jeans? Oh, that's an important question. You're right, you're right.

Are these jeans or are these brand new off-the-shelf jeans? Because that makes a big difference. There should be a separate record for like mile in jeans and a mile in dad jeans. Yeah. All right. Here is your last limerick. With humans, I've thrown in the towel. I hang out with a nocturnal fowl, though he hasn't a clue and keeps asking who's who.

I am watching TV with my... Owl. Yes, with your owl. A family of giant Eurasian eagle owls have nested in a Belgian man's living room window to watch TV with him. The birds stand at attention and look over his chair at the TV.

The man is delighted with his new friends, but complains they keep interrupting his shows with dumb questions like, who, who, who? what did he just say? Could you turn on the closed captioning? Wow, this is the coolest story. So it's just random owls are like, hey, man. Yeah, just random owls are just like regularly hanging out watching TV through his window.

And it is very cool. But just imagine the very first time you're sitting there watching TV and you feel like the gaze of someone behind you and you turn around and there are five owls staring at you. My God, it's like the Raven. You would need a new couch, right? After that. Have any of you ever had an owl like looking at you?

There was an owl outside of my window once and they don't blink. They just stare. It is the scariest, creepiest thing. I wouldn't want owls hanging outside of my window watching TV because then I have to sell the house and move. Yeah, the owls came and it was time to go. And what's really freak is the owls are watching your TV and then they just turn around and watch one directly behind them. Exactly. Bill, how did Catherine do in our quiz?

Even though she knows it's the apocalypse, Catherine is a winner. 3-0. Congratulations, Catherine. You did great. Good luck, and I hope none of your reading comes true. Thank you. So do I.

Thanks so much. Bye-bye, Catherine. Take care. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Peter has two, Alonzo has four, and Helen has five. Woo!

Peter, you're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Defense Secretary Mark Esper said he did not support Trump's plan to use blank to quell protests around the country. The U.S. military. Exactly. On Monday, employees and executives of social media site Blank held a virtual walkout in response to the company's fact-checking policies. Facebook. Right. On Wednesday, Tropical Storm Cristobal made its landfall in Blank.

Mexico. Right. This week, a man on a United flight baffled other passengers when he tried to use his overhead light to Blank. Kill the coronavirus in his stomach. Vegas. Christo. A swimming in the money like arrested for breaking into a bank after hours this week and blanking. Swimming in the money like Scrooge McDuck.

No, using the bank's microwave to heat up a Hot Pocket. Because he couldn't get on a flight. It was 3 a.m. when the man triggered the alarm at the local Wells Fargo bank. But when authorities arrived at the scene, they found him in the bank's break room, calmly microwaving two Hot Pockets. As he was taken out of the bank, a journalist on the scene asked the man if it was worth getting arrested for, and he responded, and this is totally true. He said, quote, a hot pocket? Hell yeah! Okay, Bill, how did Peter do in our quiz? Peter had five right. For ten more points, he now has twelve points and the lead. All right then, Alonzo, you are up next. Fill in the blank.

On Sunday, the White House announced plans to label blank as a terrorist group. Antifa. Right. On Tuesday, President Trump said he would move the GOP's convention out of blank. North Carolina. Right. On Wednesday, the White House released the results of blank's physical. Trump's. Yes. This week, a man named blank was arrested for trespassing at the Budweiser Brewery. Budweiser. That's his name, a man named Blank was arrested for trespassing at the Budweiser Brewery. Uh, Budweiser.

That's his name, a man named Budweiser. On Sunday, the daughter of New York Mayor Blank was arrested while protesting. DeBlasio. Right. On Thursday, the Blank agreed to a 22-team playoff to finish the 2019-2020 season. The NBA. Right. A four-year-old in Britain celebrated being able to go to the park for the first time in months by immediately blanking. Refusing to go to the park. No, by immediately getting his whole body stuck inside of a tree trunk.

A mother and her four kids had been on lockdown for nine weeks like the rest of us, so they were thrilled to finally get some fresh air, but the feeling faded quickly when one of the kids got trapped inside a hollow tree trunk. Though she couldn't get him out herself, Boris Johnson has written up an exit plan so the boy should be removed from the trunk in about four years. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? Alonzo had six right for 12 more points. He now has 16 and the lead. All right then. And you know what I'm going to ask, Bill. How many does Helen need to win? Helen needs six to win.

Helen needs to win. Helen needs six to win. All right, Helen, you need six to win. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. Following a week of protests over the death of George Floyd, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz filed civil rights charges against the police department in blank. Minneapolis. Right.

This week, Rod Rosenstein defended his decision to appoint blank as special counsel to investigate Russian election meddling. Mueller? Yes. On Tuesday, Iowa Representative Blank lost his five-way primary battle, ending his congressional career. Steve King. That's the man. This week, a sheriff's office in California asked residents to call 911 if they saw Blank. Uh, police brutality?

No, a tiger on the loose near the Oakland Zoo turned out to be a false alarm. According to a new report, global blank cases have exceeded 6 million. A coronavirus. Yes. It took a man two months to realize that his brother's ex-girlfriend was using his Netflix account because she made her profile name blank. The name of the ex-girlfriend? No. She made her profile name settings. she made her profile name Settings.

The California man would log into Netflix and he'd see three things on the screen. He'd see his profile, his brother's profile, and then a third little box that said Settings, which had an icon of the Netflix loading wheel. And it wasn't until months

later that he realized two things. His brother's ex had changed her profile name to Settings so she could still sponge off the account, and that his brother had broken up with a genius. Bill, did Helen do well enough to win? Helen had four right for eight more points.

For a total of 13, and that means with 16, Alonzo is holding that trophy high. He is this week's champion. There you are, Alonzo is holding that trophy high. He is this week's champion. There you are, Alonzo. My first virtual win. I know, it's very exciting. Congratulations. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what secret cool feature will the astronauts unveil on their spaceship. But first, let me tell you, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and

WBEZ Chicago in association with Particularly Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our host manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme.

Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dernbos, and Lillian King. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our Falcon Doctor is Peter Nguyen. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what new secret feature will be revealed on the SpaceX rocket? Helen Hong.

A freezer full of Ben and Jerry's. We want Justice and Cherry Garcia. Peter Gross. A time machine so they can set their return for the year 2000 whenever the heck this is all over. And Alonzo

Bowden. A ludicrous mode so if they get bored, they can rocket to the moon and get back in time for dinner. And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Peter Gross, Alonzo

Bowden, and Helen Honk. Thanks to all of you for listening. Please stay safe out there. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you for listening. Please stay safe out there. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week. This is NPR.