Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Stephen Colbert At Home

Episode Date: March 21, 2020

Stephen Colbert joins us, along with panelists Maz Jobrani, Paula Poundstone, and Luke Burbank.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Don't worry, I'm non-communicable Bill. Bill Curtis. And here is your host from a jacuzzi filled with hand sanitizer somewhere in Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks to everyone listening at home. This week, we are going old school. The older members of our audience might remember that for the first seven years of this show, we did it in a studio, the very studio where I now sit, in fact, here at WBEZ in Chicago with our panelists connecting to us from their own

studios around the country. Now, back then, some people said we were nuts. Why would we do a comedy show hermetically sealed off from any kind of audience? But as it turns out, we were just into social distancing before it was cool. Later on, we're going to be talking to one of the many people on hiatus from his job because of the crisis, one Stephen Colbert. But now it's time to talk to you. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Amanda Plummer from Meriden, Connecticut. Amanda Plummer. Yes, not that Amanda Plummer. Not that Amanda Plummer. Okay, I imagine this comes up a lot in your daily... It used to. When I was in college, I was a theater major. So Amanda Plummer

is, of course, is the very well-known actress. She was in Pulp Fiction, many other things. Christopher Plummer's daughter, right? Correct. Yeah. I should ask you what you actually do. I am a letter carrier. You are a letter carrier. You, my friend, are a hero. You guys are out there, one of the last connections we have to other people. It's great. Thank you for doing the work that you do. That's great. Well, welcome to the show, Amanda. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, the host of the daily podcast, TBTL, which he's been recording from a tiny room in his house for years, so he's ready for this, and the public radio variety show Livewire, which he will also now be recording from a tiny room in his house. It's Luke Burbank. Hey, Luke. Amanda, I brought my own sound effects.

Thank you for your service as a mail carrier. Just imagine lots of people yelling Luke in such a way it sounds like boo. Hey, I don't mind this no crowd thing. It's kind of nice, actually. Next, his Back to School with Maz Jobrani podcast is available anywhere podcasts are found. He's doing free Instagram comedy shows nightly to get people through social distancing. It's at Maz Jobrani. It is, yes, you've figured it out, Maz Jobrani. Maz. How are you guys? Hi, Amanda. Hi, Maz. Finally, it's the comedian who, until theaters reopen, will be appearing on her website, paulapoundstone.com,

where you can find her podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, and an autographed toy for your cat. It's Paula Poundstone. Hey, Amanda. Welcome to the show, Amanda. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis, sitting right here, is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail.

Are you ready to play? I'm ready. All right. Here's your first quote. It was written in the sky by a pilot with his flight path this week over Austria. Stay home. Why is the sky telling us to stay home? Coronavirus. Oh yes, you knew. I'm amazed that that news got to you. Yes, the coronavirus. Sitting around staring at your phone has gone from how you procrastinate to how you live. Most employees are now working from home, except, of course, for you.

That's resulted in millions of people downloading photos of tastefully decorated homes from Pinterest, then blowing them up into an enormous poster and hanging it behind them for video meetings. Fashion magazines are running features on what concealer to buy to hide the bags under your eyes when you Skype into the office from the toilet. This has obviously been really bad on a lot of levels, but I can say one silver lining for me is for years I have been refusing to throw out the New Yorker, much to the chagrin of my wife. I feel like a half-red New Yorker is like matter. It can't be destroyed. And I am finally having my chance. I pulled like a half-red New Yorker is like matter. It can't be destroyed. And I am finally having my chance. I pulled out about 120 New Yorkers the other day, stared at them,

just said, let's dance, October of 2016. You'll be relieved to know, Amanda and everybody, that the federal government is handling this crisis. And I mean that literally, you will be relieved to know it when it happens, because so far it's a clown car jacked up on cinder blocks because somebody stole the wheels. The president should never have fired his pandemic team last year and replaced them with the guys who planned the fire festival. I don't know if you've been watching this, but the president is doing almost daily press conferences, which are mostly devoted to him praising himself. He's clearly not socially distancing his face from his own. He's not. That woman, that woman with the scarf stands behind him.

And I can tell she's a realtor because she often has the scarf in like a different knot each day, which is one of the things that they teach realtors. A lot of realtors are trained. They take at least one class in the scarf knot book. Really? And yeah, she's obviously- Listen, for me, it's been interesting because, well, people keep sending me stuff. I don't know if you guys heard about this one. You're supposed to gargle with hot water. And this is the one that came. It said if you gargle with hot water, the virus will go into your stomach, and then your stomach acid will kill it. But I'm thinking people doing this with hot water is going to get burnt tongues and then have to go to the ER with burnt tongues to have them deal with their burnt tongues.

I'm sorry. Do you have the coronavirus? I'm sorry, do you have the coronavirus? All right, Amanda, your next quote is from a man who was asked if he was considering ending his campaign for the presidency. I'm dealing with a bleeping global crisis. Who is too busy saving the world, apparently, to drop out of his presidential campaign? Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders. campaign. Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders. At least as of Showtime, Bernie has not conceded the race,

but was, quote, having conversations with supporters to assess his campaign, unquote, which is the political equivalent of his campaign is going to go live in a farm upstate. He just won't stop. Bernie won't stop. Bernie, I know, man. It's just so hard to yell goodbye. So it's all over. But the shouting for Joe Biden or in his case, the weird rambling monologue that ends when he says, oh, I'm out of time. Biden swept the three states that had primaries on Tuesday, including Florida, where the Cubans hate Bernie Sanders because of his praise of Castro. And the Jews hate Bernie Sanders because he reminds them of their first husbands. I don't want to say anything negative about Bernie Sanders because the Bernie bros are intense

when they have to go to their jobs. They have literally nothing going on other than yelling at me on Twitter if I say anything negative about that guy. And yet at the same time... So I just want to say, good try. And yet at the same time, Luke, we're all getting so lonely that we're all going to be tempted just to slag on Bernie,

just to have a conversation with someone. All right. Just to have that angry exchange. I'm like one day from that. Now, Biden, the other big news that Biden made this week was that he promised that he would have a female running mate, which led to Michael Bloomberg briefly considering going full on Mrs. Doubtfire. Hello, my name is Michelle. They asked Bernie if he would commit, and he was like, I will commit 90% that possibly there'll be a woman vice presidential candidate. I will 90% commit.

He always throws numbers out, right? Yeah. He said, I kind of will commit. For a Persian guy, that was a pretty good Bernie Sanders. I will commit to being 90% good at my impression of Bernie Sanders, not 100%. So if you have any problems with my impression, send them to at Peter Sagal on Twitter. We're all Semites here. All right, Amanda, here is your last quote.

Forever a patriot. That was from someone who is literally no longer a patriot. Who is it? That was from someone who is literally no longer a patriot. Who is it? It's the football player Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Do your friends in New England know that you don't know that name?

Once again, Tom Brady was a national hero. In a time of crisis, he allowed us to interrupt our constant fear with some refreshing hatred. The world's greatest quarterback was loathed by everybody except New England Patriots fans, so he said to himself, now how do I fix that? He's announced that he'll be leaving the Pats now that his contract is up and reportedly signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for $30 million a season. It makes sense. A lot of people move to Florida when they get older.uccaneers for $30 million a season. It makes sense. A lot of people move to Florida when they get older. But why was it $30 million?

Well, like most people, he said, I wouldn't move to Florida if you gave me $29 million. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how he keeps going. He's like 80 years old or whatever years old. And he keeps, I mean, how old is he, Peter? Well, he's 42, but he will be, if he starts the season, one of the oldest players ever to play in the NFL. He will try to break the record set by George Blanda,

who retired at the age of 48 when he was tackled and disintegrated into a cloud of dust. That's my point exactly. I'm 48, and I swear I try to jog a half an hour always. Three minutes in, I'm always like, how am I going to get... I can't get past three. I start dreading the next 27 minutes, and I just kind of... I tell myself, you know what? This might be the last run, but I got to get through it, and I get home, and the joints are hurting, and he's going to go play football at 40-whatever? Well, you know, I don't want to seem rude, Maz, but in what other way has your life paralleled Tom Brady?

You know, there was stuff that led up to it. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. He didn't just go out one day and run. That's true. He didn't get his first job at quarterback at age 42. That would be impressive, I think. Bill, how did Amanda do in our quiz?

Amanda did great. She made a special delivery and got them all right. Congratulations, Amanda. Thank you so much for calling. And believe me, I mean it when I say thank you for what you do. It's really important these days. Same here. You're welcome.

Take care, Amanda. Amanda. And now it's time for a new part of our show that we're calling Wash Your Hands With Me, Bill Curtis. As a public service for you, our listeners, we're all going to take a moment to just wash our hands right now. And the most effective way is with soap and water for a minimum of 20 seconds. And to help us along, Bill Curtis here is going to sing you one of his favorite hand-washing songs. Hit it, Bill. Thank you, Peter. Ready, everyone? Ain't nobody dope as me. My hands so fresh, so clean.

So fresh and so clean. Clean! Don't you think I'm so sexy? My hands so fresh, so clean. Ain't nobody dope as me. My hands so fresh, so clean. Thanks to nobody dope as me. My hands so fresh, so clean. Thanks to me, Bill Curtis. Wow.

That was great, Bill. I think we all now feel very fresh and very clean and just a little bit dirty. Coming up, the people demand our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR at WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Maz Jobrani, Paula Poundstone, and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host from the Federal Strategic Toilet Paper Reserve in Chicago, Peter Sago. Thank you so much, Bill.

Right now, everybody, it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me bluff, the listener game. You can call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. You can call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Liz Colandini from Burke, Virginia. Burke, Virginia? I don't know where that is. What part of Virginia? So it's actually like 20 minutes outside of D.C. if there's no traffic. Oh, I see. But I know some people in Virginia who would say that's not really Virginia. That's northern Virginia.

Oh, yeah, well. To hell with those people. You're in charge now. Exactly. We're the cool part of Virginia. You're the cool part. Liz, it is great to have you with us. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Liz's topic? What do we want it now? What do we want? I don't know. This week we heard about a piece of art or entertainment being held back under lock and key, and the people are demanding access to it. Is it that episode of Hannity where he admits he voted for Hillary?

Our panelists are going to tell you. Pick the one that's telling the truth and you'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Ready to play? Yep. First up, let's hear from Luke Burbank. For over five centuries, art fans have been wondering, what exactly was the Mona Lisa smiling about in da Vinci's classic painting?

Well, we may finally have an answer. She was stoned out of her ever-loving mind. At least according to an article published last week in the Oxford Art Journal by Hallie Sadal, a prominent Renaissance scholar. Her evidence for this? An earlier portrait of the Mona Lisa painted the day before the famous one by da Vinci, which is similar in every way, except that in this version, Mona Lisa appears to be holding, as the Italians would say, de ginto de marijuana, a big old fat reefer in her right hand. According to the research paper, Lisa Gerardini, the Italian noblewoman who we think of as the Mona Lisa, suffered from terrible migraines and only found relief through cannabis. Da Vinci, being a noted inventor as well as artist, had designed the first indoor grow operation, complete with skylights and a complex system for irrigating the plants. There is speculation that this is why Mona Lisa would hang out at his studio for hours on end, waiting for him to pass the duchy upon the left side.

Now, no one has actually seen the painting where Mona Lisa is holding the joint. seen the painting where Mona Lisa is holding the joint, Sadal, the art expert, found one mention of it in a diary that was kept by one of da Vinci's assistants, which suggests that the canvas was actually turned around so da Vinci could paint on the other side. She believes the leading candidate for this masterpiece in the front, party in the back, is da Vinci's painting of St. John the Baptist because of the microscopic cheese crumbs embedded in the paint, indicating the artist may have had the munchies at the time of painting. A long lost version of the Mona Lisa, which might explain what that smile means. Your next story of in-demand media comes from Paula Poundstone. story of in-demand media comes from Paula Poundstone. In a fractious world whose inhabitants seem to agree on so little, here's a heartening story of people rising up in solidarity while still not touching to let their calls for the satisfaction of their common desires be heard

on social media. Writer-director Ben Meckler recently attempted to view the digital release of the movie Cats on his home screen. Partway through, he tweeted his cry for help. Quote, I desperately need a tell-all book about the making of Cats. It could really help me get through this, end quote. Fellow writer Jack Waz responded with a tweet that, I, Paula Poundstone, will not be allowed to use the exact term because of broadcast radio restrictions, but I will read part of the controversial term and you fill in the rest with, what is a golfer aiming his ball towards on a golf course? Here is writer Jack Waz's tweet that started a movement. Quote, a visual effects friend of a friend was hired in November to finish some of the 400 effects in the Cats movie.

His entire job was to remove CGI butt that had been inserted a few months before, which means somewhere out there, there exists a butt cut of cats, end quote. Soon, hashtag release the butt cut was trending. Now that it has been unleashed, this public demand for anatomically correct animated movie animals surely won't stop there. And for anatomically correct animated movie animals, surely won't stop there. Online pleas of hashtag where are bucks privates will follow the home release of Call of the Wild. And that of the new King Kong will be dogged by hashtag release Kong schlong.

The probably mythical but much demanded but-huh cut of cats. And finally, let's hear about something that people desperately want to see from Maz Jobrani. Before George Lucas sold his Star Wars franchise to Disney, he had an out-of-the-box idea. What would it be like to do a podcast featuring all of his favorite characters being interviewed by Yoda, and he would call it a Yodcast. Believe it or not, the Yodcast happened, and the tapes are hidden somewhere deep in a bunker in Burbank because Disney does not want them to see the light of day. Why, you ask? Interestingly enough, one other out-of-the-box idea Lucas had was to have his golfing buddy, Joe Pesci, be the voice of Yoda in the Yodcasts. As one could imagine, the 10-episode series quickly went from a podcast for all fans to a podcast for adult fans. The Burbank Gazette was able to obtain some clips of the series where Pesci is heard saying,

Hmm, your name, what is, why am I talking like this? To which the director replies, That's how Yoda talks. He flips his sentences. To which Pesci replies, How about I come over there and flip a couple of sentences up your... And it goes downhill from there. When he interviews Luke Skywalker, Pesci is heard saying,

What's the Force mean to you? What kind of stupid question is that? Later, he asked Han Solo, When Chewbacca goes, Do you actually understand that crap? Although fans are clamoring to have the podcast released, Disney executives deny the tapes even exist. When the Gazette tracked down George Lucas and Joe Pesci on the golf course and asked them,

Pesci on the golf course and asked them, Pesci replied, You better get out of my face before I use the force to smack you over the head with this golf club. All right, then. One of these things, Liz, might actually exist. And if it does, people want to see it. Was it from Luke, a version of the Mona Lisa in which she is holding a spliff of some kind? Mona Lisa, in which she is holding a spliff of some kind. From Paula Poundstone, the butt cut of cats,

which is, I guess, the more anatomically correct version. And from Maz, a Yoda podcast with a very profane Yoda as voiced by Joe Pesci. Which of these really might be out there just tempting the fans? Well, I actually know the answer because I want to see the cat butts. You do? You want to see the cat butts? Yes. So you're choosing Paula's story of the special cut of cats before they erased the cat butts. That is correct.

Well, to bring you the real answer, we spoke to someone deeply involved in the real story. The decision was made to no longer include the butts in the movie Cats, so a visual effects producer was brought in to erase all the realistic cat butts. That was Jack Waz, the man behind the movement called Release the B***. Congratulations, Liz, you got it right. You knew it all along. I hope you are able to see Idris Elba's fake cat butt before you die. Thank you.

You also earned a point for Paula, and you've won our prize, fake cat butt before you die. You also earned a point for Paula and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Thank you so much Liz for playing with us today. Awesome, thank you. Thank you. Take care. Come around and see me right now. Meow, the tomcats are singing Buddy Alley Cat Blues.

And now the game where we ask people with lots of important things to do to waste just a few minutes of their time with us. It's called Not My Job. Look, everybody, I'm not going to lie to you. We had a pretty impressive guest lined up for you today, but they had to back out at the last minute. But lucky for us, we found someone else. You know him as the host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on CBS. We know him as the guy to call when

someone cancels on us. Stephen Colbert, welcome back to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. What an honor. It's a pleasure. I'm your Regis Philbin. You are! Or I like to think when the old Carol Burnett show announced a family show, just the regular cast was like, couldn't get a guest, huh?

So we're part of our family then, Stephen. I have to, huh? So we're part of our family then, Stephen. I have to ask, just because we're all sort of going through the same thing, how are you doing? How's sheltering in place going for the Colbert family? Well, I mean, I think it's like what it's like for other people. You know, it's anxious, but there's just a sort of a sense of anticipation, and I'm eating a lot of old meat.

How old, Stephen? We worry. anticipation and i'm i'm leaving i'm eating a lot of old meat how old steven we worry i you know right before you called i was grilling a piece of steak but i think was two and a half years old because my wife became a vegan about two and a half years ago and right before she became a vegan she bought a lot of steak yeah and even the first thing you do when something like this happens you go and you start defrosting things so So we've been defrosting and eating two-and-a-half-year-old meat. You, of course, have been one of my mainstays, your show Late Nights with Stephen Colbert, but you, like everybody else, had to shut down. You did do, like, one or two episodes without an audience, right?

We did one episode without an audience in the Ed Sullivan because we were ready to do a show and then the governor decided that no groups of 500 or more and that's about what my audience,

what my staff is. Right. And then this week we did three shows, three monologues, whatever you want to call them, at my house. Yeah, well you did... I shot it with an iPad

and then emailed the files to my producers who filled in all the graphics and all the footage. Yeah, if you haven't seen them, by the way, everybody listening, you can find them. They're on YouTube on the Late Nights with Stephen Colbert channel. They're amazing. You did one from your bathtub in a suit with bubble bath, one from your back deck fire pit.

No pants, though. Really? No pants. Why would you wear pants if you don't have to go into work? Actually, just speaking as a radio guy, you're living the dream. And you filmed them yourself? It's just you? Yeah.

You set up your iPad? Well, who else wanted to be in the bathroom with them? My wife operated the prompter, because we have a little prompter program on the iPad. She would basically start the prompter program so I could start talking in the bathtub. And then my two sons operated the machine on the next couple of days. Well, it's nice to have them around. I'm not entirely alone, but it's not the usual situation. You will be if you keep

getting in the tub with no pants on like that. Inviting people in will be a lone mister. Wait a minute. Paula, do you wear pants when you get into the bathtub? I don't get into the bathtub. I shower fully clothed. It's just... You know what, Peter? Stephen, can we go back to the prompter thing? Your wife has a

prompter? Can you not spontaneously talk nicely to her? You have a prompter?? Your wife has a prompter? Can you not spontaneously talk nicely to her? You have a prompter? Listen, we're happily married for 25 years. I recommend giving your wife a prompter. The first line of every script is,

I'm sorry. By the way, Stephen, this is an important thing I have to tell you. I was supposed to do your show at the end of April. I'm not going to be there. Why? Because I am not going to be there. Why?

Because I am not going into that bathroom with you in the tub naked with no pants on. I'm not going to do it. I have one last question. I just wanted to ask if there's a joke you would like to tell since you're not doing your show. I'll tell you one of my favorite jokes. This is a joke that my daughter came up with when she was three. Okay, go ahead. What does the dog say?

The dog says, rough, rough. Exactly right. What does the cow say? Moo. No, the cow says, rough, rough. Why does the cow say, rough, rough, Stephen? There's a dog in its mouth. A round of applause for your daughter at the age of three.

Best joke of the week on this show. It probably is. It's a quality joke. You're reduced to telling our children jokes. Well, Stephen Colbert, as we have said, we had another guest lined up. So we're just going to ask you the quiz we came up for this person. We can't say who it was, so I'm sorry. But you just get, I guess, here are the leftovers.

It's a game we're calling... The Sneaker of the House. Yes, this was a great idea for our original guest. We're going to ask you three questions about sneakers of the house, that is, burglars. Answer three questions about some notable robberies and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners,

the voice of anyone they may choose in their voicemail. Bill, who was... Let me get this straight. Yes. So this quiz was for the person who was supposed to be here who you cannot reveal. Right. We just didn't want to embarrass this person by saying that they backed out on us. I can't imagine what they had to do that was more important

than being on our show. Name rhymes with Pansy Nelosi. All right, you're ready. Here we go. So, Bill, who is Stephen Colbert playing for? Kerry King of Providence, Rhode Island. All right, you ready to do this? I'm 100%

All right. First question. An Ohio man was arrested for trying to rob his own mother's house, but he explained to the police that he couldn't possibly be guilty of burglary. Why? A, because if stealing from your mom was illegal, every baby who breastfed would be a criminal. B, because he tried to rob the house in the daytime and you can only commit burglary at night. Or C, because he had a note allowing him to take whatever he wanted, signed, my mom. I'll go with A. You're going to go with A,

if stealing from your mom was illegal, every baby who breastfed would be a criminal. I'm afraid it was B, he said he was robbing a house in the daytime and that can't be burglary. All right, next question. You still have two chances, Stephen. A man trying to steal a refrigerator from a Washington home was arrested when he made what mistake? A, he didn't realize the car in the driveway was not his getaway driver, but was instead a police officer who had pulled in to turn around. B, he forgot to unplug it, so he ended up tripping and it fell on top of him, pinning him down until the owner came home. C, he forgot to take 60 pounds of ice out of it, resulting in an immobilizing hernia. The first one, the cop one. You're right, Stephen. That's exactly what happened. He

walked out with what was a small refrigerator, saw a car in the driveway, said, Oh, my ride's here, got in, and the police officer said, Hello. All right, last question. Criminals were dumb even back in the olden days of 2009. How did the authorities track down burglar Jonathan Parker in Pennsylvania? A, well, he signed the guest book they had put out by the front door. B, he had told his friends that if they needed him, he'd be over at this particular house, robbing it. Or C, before leaving the house he robbed, he logged onto his Facebook account on the

owner's computer and forgot to log out. Oh. I would say C. You're going to say C? Or the third one. I don't know. Yeah, C, the third one. Yes, that's exactly right, Stephen.

He logged onto Facebook because he just had to see his news feed. Maybe he was like, he was like typing his status, hey, I'm robbing somebody, and he left it online, so they caught him. Bill, how did Stephen Colbert do in our quiz? You know, Stephen won. We don't let friends go away empty. He won. He won. Congratulations, Stephen.

Peter, that. Stephen. I'm bragging to my family. I won the wait, wait, Don't Tell Me quiz. That's awesome. Oh, finally, you got some applause this week. We are playing for a live crowd after all. This is great.

Daughter of mine, I told you you're a cow joke on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Oh, yes, it never ends. Would anyone here like to tell a joke on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me? Do you have a joke at your fingertips? No, my wife is leaving the room. She so doesn't want to tell a joke. She's going out to punctuate.

Stephen Colbert is the host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and a dear friend of ours, Stephen Colbert. Thank you so much for joining us again on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much for doing your show. I will be listening Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much for doing your show. I will be listening. God bless you all. Stay safe, everybody. We shall.

You too. Thanks, Stephen. See you later. Thank you. In just a minute, Bill visits the Stay Puft Spa in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. and WBEZ Chicago. This is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Maz Jobrani, and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host from a quarantine cruise ship somewhere in Lake Michigan. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill,

and thank you, everybody listening at home. I am sure you are all clapping. In just a minute, Bill, and thank you, everybody listening at home. I am sure you are all clapping. In just a minute, Bill insists he can't leave the house. He's under quarantine. It's the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, it's time for a new game that we call...

Netflix and Bill. Quarantining at home is boring, but you have your family. And after about a half an hour of them, you have TV. We're going to tell each of you about two shows that could be your next binge, but only one of them is real. Guess it. You get a point. Are you ready to play? Yeah, of course.

All right. Here we go, Maz. Which of these is a real show it, you get a point. Are you ready to play? Yeah, of course. Alright, here we go. Maz, which of these is a real show that you can find on Netflix? Is it A, a placeholder show Netflix accidentally left up featuring a man making popping sounds with his mouth called

The Example Show, or B, The Streaming Service, footage of flowing rivers, waterfalls and broken pipes designed to help older men pee. I'm going with the streaming service. No, you're wrong. That would be wonderful.

I could use that some days. But the answer is The Example Show. You can find it. Just Google Netflix The Example Show. You will find it. It features such riveting scenes as a man making popping sounds with his mouth. And if you turn on the subtitles, it just says, there's no crying in baseball the whole time. Peter, as someone who lives in LA

and has pitched shows to Netflix and had them pass on my shows, this is very salty. I feel very bad. You should only have gone in and made popping sounds. That's, they love that. Oh, man. Paula, also on Netflix,

while there's no Monday Night Football right now, you can stream which of these? Is it A, Monday. Paula, also on Netflix, while there's no Monday Night Football right now, you can stream which of these? Is it A, Monday Night Foot, in which foot models compete in categories such as shapeliness, toenail quality, and arch height? Or B, an eight-and-a-half-hour knitting competition show called National Knitting Night? I'm going to go with National Knitting Night. You're right. It's actually National Knitting Night Norway They do love their knitting in Norway

Very good Are you ready for some eyelets? A Sunday night knit-off That'd be if they gave that job to Hank Williams Jr. Alright Luke, if you're I'm being Danish I guess Luke, if you're looking for horror Which of these is a real thing you can find on Amazon?

A. A curated collection of educational programming called Driver's Ed Scare Films or B. Scare B&B which is just footage of the worst places available on Airbnb. I would watch both of those shows.

Scare B&B? No, it was actually the curated collection of Driver's Ed films. This collection... Scare B&B? No, it was actually the curated collection of Driver's Ed films. Uh, this collection. Scare B&B would be a way better show. Well, hey, man. Maz, that's your next project. There you go.

I'm going to pitch it on Monday. All right, panelists, some questions for you from the rest of the week's news. Maz, panic buying is a dangerous activity that prevents people from getting the supplies they need. But the recent hoarding of toilet paper has actually been great news for what industry? Oh, newspapers. I wish. Wouldn't that be great if that's what finally brought American journalism back, the need for disposable paper? How about some kind of water? Bidets.

Yes, bidets, Maz. Bidets, or as they're more commonly known, that's not a drinking fountain. They've never caught on in America the way they have in Europe and Asia, but the recent run on toilet paper may finally make Americans comfortable with the phrase, I'll be out in a second, I just have to sit here and drip dry for a bit. I have to tell you, I just installed a bidet in my house two days ago. Or as we now say, two bidets ago, because I can't leave that joke alone.

Let me take you through a bidet in the life at my house. I just installed a bidet, and it was like the last one that they are selling in America because there's a run on the bidets. Here's a piece of advice to our listeners. I subscribed on Amazon to toilet paper delivery, and I accidentally hit too much. And I've got boxes and boxes, so my advice is subscribe to toilet paper, and you won't have to deal with this when the next apocalypse hits. I don't know. I like to get toilet paper issue by issue.

They're so inconsistent. Coming up, it's lightning fill-in-the-blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. Hi, who's this?

This is Kimberly Mason from Westerville, Ohio. Okay, and how are you doing? Ohio was actually pretty early to the whole quarantine thing. Oh, we've been shut in for many days already. Yeah. Do you have any advice for those of us who are now sort of starting to endure it as well? Learn some new card games, call your friends, and watch a lot of TV. Yeah, I guess you were pioneers in all of those things.

Well, welcome to the show, Kimberly. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you'll be a big winner. You ready to play? I'm ready. Here is your first limerick. Buttered bread with a filling is common. But there's censure from Internet lawmen.

Even Brits have some scruples about cup of noodles. You can't make a sandwich with... Ramen! Yes! Everybody is now eating meals scrounged from the very back of the pantry, and one woman in England has now set the bar with a ramen noodle sandwich. The salty meal is a cooked package of ramen between two pieces of Wonder Bread. Kind of puts your peanut butter and tuna sandwich to shame, huh?

Have you guys, when you find yourself, because you haven't been to the store recently, you can't go out to a restaurant, is there anything really weird that you've found yourself eating? I've just been eating a lot. Yes, there is that. We're all eating way too much because there's nothing else to do. I'm telling you, as the day goes, I'm like, well, I did all right earlier. I had a banana and I had some oatmeal, so I can have some chocolate and ice cream. Yeah, why not? Here is your next limerick. In the ward with these silly guys next to me, I'd prefer watching sports that have yet to be. I had scheduled

my snip for a March Madness trip. Since it's off, it's a wasted... Ah, vasectomy? Very good! How did you get that? Somebody is paying off a bet here

at our offices because we thought nobody could get that. You don't find that on the Internet. That's true. Actually, you do, Bill, but don't search for it. Oh, you do. According to the Washington Post, men traditionally like to plan their vasectomies around March Madness. But now, with basketball canceled, all the people who schedule the procedure are finding themselves trapped inside with their kids and panic buying bags of frozen vegetables to sit on. Wow.

Too late. This scheduling around basketball wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years. Well, this is actually a thing. In fact, I believe it was Buffalo Wild Wings for a promotion said, if you've gotten a vasectomy so you can watch March Madness

without anybody bothering you, because you have to rest. You see, that's the idea. Oh, I might as well rest in front of the TV with something fun to watch. They actually offered a cooled seat for people who had just had the surgery to sit on in Buffalo Wild Wings. That Buffalo Wild Wings is now actually full of buffalo that have wandered into the mall and made it their home because we now live in a dystopian future. It's true. Here is your last limerick. This facial snob is a real archfellow, for he claims it leaves skin a real harsh yellow.

I will clean all my pores with the soft hearts of s'mores, For my facial, I use melted... Marshmallow? Very good, Kimberly. You are the best I've ever heard. Fantastic. Behold, the latest thing in beauty, the new marshmallow facial. They use extract from the marshmallow plant, known in the medical world for its soothing qualities.

That explains why children are always so calm after eating a sleeve of Peeps. If there is a time in our history that we don't want to be covering our hands in marshmallow and then applying it to our face, it's right now when we're running out of soap and hand sanitizer. I was scouring the internet looking for hand sanitizer. I finally found some on Amazon, ordered it, was very excited. Turns out I ordered something called ham sanitizer, which I guess is for cleaning your ham. It's zero use to me.

So I'm just saying look closely at what you're ordering. You know, it occurs to me that the government now has to put out things saying don't touch your marshmallows to your face, which just shouldn't be necessary in any time in our history. Bill, how did Kimberly do in our quiz? Perfect. She put us all to shame. Good going, Kimberly. Well done. Thank you so much, Kimberly. Take care.

Bye. Bye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Maz has five, Paula and Luke each have four. Well, Paula and Luke are tied for second place.

What do you say we let Paula go first this week? Because who cares? You ready, Paula? I'm ready. Here we go. Paula, the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. After three more primary wins on Tuesday, Blank started receiving Secret Service protection.

I'm sorry. Right. In retaliation for restrictions placed on their state-owned media, Blank revoked the press credentials for several U.S. journalists. Was it China? It was. This week, President Trump signed an executive order giving him the power to compel industries to produce much-needed blanks. Virus testing? I'll give it to you. Medical supplies. On Monday, Wait-Wait guest host Blank announced he had been discharged from the hospital.

Tom Hanks! Yes, though she was excited to winank announced he had been discharged from the hospital. Tom Hanks! Yes, though she was excited to win a goldfish as a prize two years ago. A woman in Chicago is less excited that it blanked. It turned out to be a shark. No, it grew to be a foot long and kept eating all her other fish. Gerald the goldfish was just a few inches long when the woman brought him home, which is why she was concerned when, just a month later, he'd become noticeably larger, unlike most goldfish, who after a month had just become noticeably dead. Bill, how did Paula do on our quiz? She got four right, eight more points, a total of 12

in the lead. Round of applause. Thank you very much. This may be my last time. Luke, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the treasure. Peter, can I just, can I mention one thing quickly, which is I'm quarantined. I'm at home as we record this. I've gone a little crazy. I have not been following the news, but I do have my own bell. Am I allowed to award points to myself? No, Luke.

I had to think about it for a second, but no. I have a sound effect for that, too. You can do that when you get it wrong. All right, Luke, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the Treasury Department announced they were extending the blank deadline by 90 days. Tax. Right. On Sunday, the Fed announced it was cutting blank to almost 0%.

Interest rates. Right. On Wednesday, the blank briefly erased all gains made during the Trump administration. The Dow. Yeah, the stock exchange. Citing health concerns, the U.S. announced it would suspend the 2020 blank by a week. The census. Right.

After a family in England complained that the $400,000 house they had purchased was a, quote, death trap, the property management company sent them blank as an apology. A set of coffins. No, they set a hot tub as an apology. To deal with the surge in online shopping, Blank announced plans to hire 100,000 new workers. Amazon. Right.

On Thursday, Elon Musk's private space company, Blank, lost a Falcon 9 rocket during landing. SpaceX. Right. Police in Florida have issued a wanted poster for a fugitive that's been avoiding capture for over a month, asking citizens to be on the lookout for blank. A flamingo. A cow. The female brown cow has been on the lam for over a month. It's constantly being spotted near the highway and people are concerned she may cause an accident. When asked why officers have been unable to apprehend her, the police described the cow, and this is completely true, as, quote, faster than she looks. Bill, how did Luke do in our quiz? Good. Six right, 12 more points, total of 16. He takes the lead. All right,

Bill, how many does Maz need to win? He needs six to win. All right, Maz, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Monday, the DOJ announced plans to drop charges against two Russian companies central to the blank report. Mueller. Right. On Tuesday, leaders of 26 countries that made up the blank announced they were temporarily closing their borders. European Union. Right.

This week, Mario Diaz-Balart and Ben McAdams became the first members of Congress to test positive for blank. Coronavirus. CCTV footage of a mass prison break in Brazil showed 400 minimum security prisoners leaving the prison while a guard blanked. While a guard peed. No, he yelled, come back on Monday, okay? Out of an abundance of caution, the Vatican closed blank celebrations to the public. The blanks at Easter. Yes. On Sunday, Bill Gates announced he was, the Vatican closed blank celebrations to the public. The blanks at Easter. Yes.

On Sunday, Bill Gates announced he was leaving the board of blank. Microsoft. Right. A ballet school in Washington who caught an employee embezzling over a million dollars said they probably should have seen it coming because blank. A ballet school in Washington, the guy embezzled over a million dollars? Yes. And they should have seen it coming because blank.

Because? Because she was wearing some really nice tutus. Because she hadn't come to work in a long time. No, because she had just gotten out of jail for embezzlement. Ah. Not only had the employee gone to prison for stealing $800,000 from her prior employer, the ballet knew about it, probably from that routine interview question, so tell me about a time you embezzled from a previous employer.

Bill, did Maz do well enough to win? Well, he got five right, ten more points, 15 just one short of Luke, who is our winner this week. Congratulations, Luke. I'm only sorry there's nobody here to clap. Yes. I brought my own applause,. I'm only sorry there's nobody here to clap. Yes. I brought my own applause, and I'm enjoying every second of it. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what businesses will be created to help all of us still stuck in our homes. But first, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord.

Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Our Peter Gwynn is standing

six feet away from us at all times. Technical directions from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now panel, what new business will be created

to help everyone stuck in their homes? Luke Burbank. Scrubber, the app for your smart TV that changes the channel after you turn it off to your local PBS station so your spouse doesn't know you were actually watching Bachelor in Paradise when they turn the TV on the next day. Paula Poundstone. A company's going to be created that has a thing that you can hold in your hands.

It's paper, and they're all connected together together and there's words printed on them. Books! And Maz Jobrani. Social distancing massage where a masseuse comes to your house and mimes massaging you from a window outside your home and you mind pleasure from inside. If that happens we'll ask you about it on Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Luke Burbank, Paula Poundstone, and Maz Jobrani. Thanks to the staffs at NPR West and WBEZ in Chicago. It's good to be back for whatever reason. And thanks to all of you for listening. We are as grateful for you as we hope you are for us. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week.

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