Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - The Wait Wait Anthology: Cats Edition

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

Introducing The Wait Wait Anthology, a deep dive into the Wait Wait archives hosted by Bill KurtisLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From deep within the NPR archives, this is the Wait-Wait Anthology. I'm Bill Curtis. For more than two decades, Wait-Wait Don't Tell Me has been compiling a deep storehouse of knowledge, collected from over 1,000 shows. And now, to celebrate our 25th anniversary, we're opening that vault to you, our listeners. Each episode of the Wait, Wait Anthology will highlight a different topic. First up, cats. While they may seem cute and cuddly, don't be fooled. Inside every cat is the heart of a murderer, or at the very least,

a very hungry manslaughterer. All right, Monica, you do have one more limerick. Here is your last limerick. My dumb cat never comes up to greet me. He just glares at my chair to unseat me. And if I should die, not long would I lie, for that jerk would just come up and... Eat me! Eat me, yes!

Cats, it turns out, really do love people for dinner. We've suspected this for years just because cats are evil. But researchers figured out an ingenious way to test this theory. They fed the cats human corpses. Seriously, that's what they do. There's this research lab at Mesa University. Seriously. That's what they do. There's this research lab at Mesa University in Colorado. It's quite well known. They have this walled garden

where they put out bodies that have been donated, and then they do studies of how bodies decompose and various other things like that. And some cats got into the garden, and they're like, buffet! This is a story. I've had 16 cats at one time.

And that's why you don't have a foot. They're just nibbling away. The fancy feast of Paula's foot. No, they never, you know, every now and then Theo will give me a little love bite of Paula's foot. No, they never, you know, every now and then Theo will give me a little love bite. That's all. Oh, really? It wasn't a love bite, Paula. He was testing to see

if you were right. He's doing a taste test there. I have to say, I would have loved the movie Cat so much more if Judy Dench had eaten someone at the end. Yes. Amy. What?

Owner of a South Carolina cat cafe got some bad news. Oh, a cat cafe? It's one of those places you go. The bad news, hey buddy, you run a cat cafe. I run a what? You had all these dreams in your life, and you ended up with a cat cafe.

I don't even want to run a person cafe. What do you mean? It's for cats? You know, a cat cafe is you sit there, you drink coffee while cats knock stuff over. It's charming. Anyway, after a series of tests, this cat cafe owner in South Carolina

discovered that she is what? Allergic. Yes, to cats, of course. A woman named Ashley Brooks has this problem. She was happy to open Pounce Cat Cafe. Turns out it's the worst place for her since Paula Poundstone's house. Despite the constant sneezing and watery eyes, Ms. Brooks says she's keeping the cafe open. She's seeing an allergist twice a week and says,

quote, they are injecting me with cat, which, if it doesn't help, at least it seems like fun for the cat. She should get people into the cafe by just running the can opener. That's true. But we're like, whose cats are they? Are they her cats?

Like, if she's allergic to cats... What we were incapable of understanding is how do you get to the point of opening a cat cafe? Like, you've gone that far. You've advertised the business. You've named it. You've acquired the cats. Yeah. And then you find out you're allergic? Day one.

Oh, I didn't understand. Well, during the six-month process of opening this new business, I was never able to breathe. I feel like the person at the bank who gave her the loan should have been like, are you allergic to cats? By the way. Just a dumb question, I'm sure, because you're opening a cat cafe. I just have to ask because it's on the form.

I'm sure I'll just check it. No, right? It's actually on every loan form. I don't know why it's on there. And the eternal debate between dogs and cats. It's wrong to take a side. Unless science says it's okay. Then it's totally fine to admit you're more of a dog person. Hari, new research out this week could settle a centuries-old debate. Scientists at Vanderbilt University in Nashville say they have determined that dogs, dogs are

finally and scientifically proven to be what? Better than cats? Yes! Specifically... Thank God! That is settled! It's done! It's done! Stop arguing! Wow! The dog people and the cat people in the audience

are fighting like... I don't know how to put it. No, it's actually specifically the study showed not so much that dogs are better than cats. That's subjective. Maybe people like horrible little monsters that hate you. But what they found was that dogs are scientifically smarter than cats.

Yes. Yes, I know. It turns out that anatomically, dogs have twice as many cortical neurons as cats. That's a standard measure of intelligence. Don't laugh. That's science, damn it. So that's when you ask your dog,

who's a good boy, who's a good boy? Your dog answers, well, what is good, really? Are we referring to the so-called human good, as Aristotle conceived of it? Or the good of how vomit tastes?

Oh, that's rough. That is rough. Oh! Okay. Goodbye, everybody. That is rough. Okay. Goodbye, everybody. Nice to see all of you. Harry, I'm glad you were able to bring this crowd back together with that. I have not seen a public radio crowd this torn

since the great Philip Glass versus Kronos Quartet debate of 2013. All right. Here is your first limerick. My pet is a bit of a brat. I'm the servant in his habitat. Those who own a sweet dog all live high on the hog. I feel lousy

because I have a... Cat. Yes! Dog owners are happier than cat owners. It turns out it's been proven with a new survey showing how dog owners self-identify as very happy, whereas cat owners identify as very, ow, why did it bite me again? The survey found dog owners are happier than those with cats. The survey also found, and this is true, that people with cats are less happy than people who have no pets at all Now that doesn't necessarily mean that cats make you unhappy it may just be that cat owners are miserable

losers for entirely different reasons Hashtag not all cats, because I grew up with a really great cat that was basically like a dog, and now I have a dog, and they were like this. I can't even tell them apart. It's funny how cat people always say that. Yeah, they always do.

No, my cat is different. No, it's not. It's a cat. Yeah. Now we're not the only experts on the show. Sometimes our call-in contestants surprise us with their knowledge. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game

where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Heather Alvey calling from Minneapolis8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Heather Alvey calling from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Minneapolis, Minnesota?

Yeah. That's a place I know. What do you do there? I am a certified feline behavior and training specialist. I own a feline behavior consulting business and a cat sitting business. Do people come to you with problems because their cats are behaving badly? Correct, yes. There's never a solution though, be honest. No, no.

There's totally things you can do. Tell me, we... You can cover your couch in foil. No, foil doesn't work. Because my cats pee all over my house. And people have told me, oh, put foil down.

I put foil down. The good thing about it is I can hear them peeing on it from anywhere. You have to start at the beginning and work it. I want you. You have to start at the beginning. You have to figure out why they're peeing on the couch. Yeah, because I gave them water. There you go.

That's your lesson. That was my mistake. This is so much more interesting than the limericks. I want you to tell me one thing you have successfully trained a cat to do or not to do. Punch a dog in the face. Well, my cats can do a whole lot of cool things. We've trained them to ride a skateboard, and they can do high fives, and they can go into their crates on command,

and they sit and lie down on command. You are lying. I am not. It's a lie. I've got a YouTube channel. But if they're peeing all over your house, none of those things matter. Cat's like, great, it's on a skateboard,

so it can pee across the room. Great, it's on a skateboard so it can pee across the room. I have a cat who likes to get on a rocking chair so that when she vomits, she can get more distance. There's no certificate. They pee on your certificate. Heather. Yes. Welcome to the show, Heather. Yes. Welcome to the show, Heather. While the ancient Egyptians revered them and Chagall made them art,

humankind's greatest tribute to felines didn't come until 1981, when Andrew Lloyd Webber's cat made its theatrical debut. All right, here is your last quote. It's a furry orgy in a dumpster. Ah, that was how The Guardian reviewed what new film out this weekend? Jellicles can. Jellicles can and Jellicles do. Jellicles, songs of Jellicle cats.

Jellicle can and Jellicles do. It is cats, yes! I'm so glad you got that, because otherwise, Mo was going to sing the whole score. Skimble shanks the railway cat, the cat on the railway train.

I was a big Cats fan. Apparently. The inexplicably long-running musical has finally been made into a movie. Instead of Broadway actors in catsuits and makeup, it's famous Hollywood stars digitally altered

to look like horrible cat sex monsters. The reviews have been mixed. On the one hand, Tyler Coates says Cats is, quote, the worst movie I have seen this year, unquote. Well, on the other hand, David Farrier said, quote, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. This is what death feels like, unquote. The digital altering was necessary in some cases,

but controversial in others. Jason Derulo said on Andy Cohen's talk show that he was upset that his cat manhood, his cat hood was CGI'd out. Yes, he said that. He complained about that. His manx hood. Yeah, but of course, you know, he said that.

Yes, it's so sad they digitally erased his manhood. And like all the real cats are like, oh, I see. You're complaining your genitals were digitally removed. How terrible. That's it for our first episode of the Wait-Wait Anthology. Now I'm off to the heavy side layer. We'll see you next time on the Wait-Wait Anthology.