Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Tituss Burgess

Episode Date: September 19, 2020

Tituss Burgess, actor, joins us along with panelists Paula Poundstone, PJ O'Rourke, and Hari Kondabolu.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Chew me up and blow a bubill. I'm Bill Curtis, and here's your host at the Chase Bank, near his house cashing a check, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks once again to our fake audience, which this week is people who like good candy reacting to the news that the pandemic has stopped the production of Peeps. Later on, we're going to be talking to actor and singer Titus Burgess, who became famous for his role on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,

which, of course, was a TV show about a woman who was not allowed to go outside for 15 years. Remember when that seemed odd? You don't need to leave your bunker to play our games. Just give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, this is Kimberly Pearson. Hi, Kimberly. Where are you calling from? Arlington, Virginia. Ah, Washington, D.C. adjacent. What do you do there? I'm a school teacher.

I teach sixth grade English. Okay. You know what I'm going to ask? How's it going with the remote schooling? You know, I have to say it's not so bad. I think we're doing a lot better in the fall than we did in the spring. That's good. People are used to it.

Have there been any cardboard cutouts? None yet, but some sock puppets. Really? Sock puppets. They're a tough audience. Sock puppets are my experience. Kimberly, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who co-hosts the podcast Politically Reactive

with W. Kamau Bell returning for its third season in the first week of October. It's Hari Kondabolu. Hello, Peter. Hello, Harkinder. Hello. Next, his new book is A Cry from the Far Middle Dispatches from a Divided Land. The editor-in-chief of American Consequences, a free web magazine about political economy, it's P.J. O'Rourke.

Hi, Kimberly. And the host of the podcast Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone and the mini-podcast, the French Trump Friday News Conference, it's Paula Poundstone. Hey, Paula. Hey, Kimberly. Kimberly, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time.

Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. You ready to play? I'm ready. All right. Your first quote is a tweet from Joe Biden. Just to be clear, I am not president. Biden said that after who took him to task for not implementing a nationwide mask mandate during a voters town hall. Let me guess, Donald Trump? Yes, it's a good guess, Kimberly, a very good guess. Now, just like it's not really football season until the first time Tom Brady cheats, it's not election season until the town halls start. Now, President Trump did his on Tuesday. While it's unusual for President Trump to be questioned

by people who aren't either Fox News hosts or lawyers deposing him, he did really well. He didn't tell a single voter to go back to your country. Kayleigh McEnany didn't once have to use the shock collar. I love it that he says, I love it that he says, why didn't Joe Biden do something? He actually thinks Joe Biden is president. I think he wishes Joe Biden were president. Then he could, you know, go back to Trump Tower and not have to do any work. You know what?

I don't think he ever wanted to be president. I think the whole thing. In fact, you know, I have a theory. A long time ago when my son was little, the school was going to go on some sort of overnight trip or something. And I kept using it as leverage for, you know, behavior issues at home. I would say, well, if you don't do the blah, blah, blah, then you're not going to get to go on the school trip. And he would do something else not good, and then he would do something else not good. And I finally figured out he actually didn't

want to go on the school trip. And so I'll bet you Trump is every day like, just impeach me, just remove me from office. And he's still like, can't get out of there. I personally think that Trump is on Biden's payroll, on his campaign staff payroll, because Biden's campaign hasn't really been very lively, but Trump's campaign to get unelected from president has just been ripping along. Now, Biden did his town hall on Thursday, and this is amazing. The audience was set up as a drive-in theater. They had the questioners, the undecided voters, drive up in their cars. That's true. It turned into a disaster when Biden kept trying to get in the backseat with the questioners. Now, during their respective town halls,

the president lied more than 20 times. And Joe Biden just told one lie, but it went on for 90 minutes. Remember when Joe Biden was the loose cannon? Yeah. You those, Laurie? You didn't know what he was going to say next? Oh, yeah. Those were the days. All right. Kimberly, your next quote is from NPR. It smells basically like death, like the rancid diapers of the spawn of Satan. This horrible death-smelling gas that we were describing on NPR, suggests that there might be life where? I'm thinking life on Mars. You're close. The other direction. Venus? Yes, Venus.

Oh, wow. There might be life on Venus. Don't get excited. They're not coming to save us, and you can't move there. For many years, scientists assumed that there couldn't be life on Venus because it is smothered with incredibly hot gas like Tampa in August. And you know there's nothing happening there. But this week, they announced the discovery of a certain chemical, phosphine, which is only produced on Earth by living organisms. In fact, it's a primary ingredient in penguin poop. So there's only one logical explanation, according to science, space penguins.

This explains why the penguins here on Earth don't fly. They have spaceships for that. And we believe in science here. We do. They're going to put those space penguins on the badge, on the patch for the Space Force. Sure. Absolutely. This is all true, by the way.

The other main source for phosphine, other than penguin poop, is farts. And there's a lot more of phosphine in Venus's atmosphere than there is in ours. This may mean that there was once a great civilization on Venus until the fartpocalypse. No, what's weird is like, okay, possible life on Venus. It's weird we're even talking about this. This is like an Obama second term story. We don't have time for this now, Venus. Yeah, really.

Give us eight months, 10 months, 12 months at least, and then we'll pay attention to your penguins and spaceships. I think my dogs will be happy on Venus because if something smells bad, they can blame the penguins. That's true. Yes. Also, dogs like it when something smells bad. Oh, I hadn't even thought about that. Yeah, I mean, it may drive everybody else out of the room, but the dogs like it.

They don't go, that is gross. They go, that is gross. Here's your last quote, Kimberly. It's from the governor of new york andrew cuomo if you want to go knock on your neighbor's door god bless you governor cuomo was saying that despite a lot of safety concerns he was not going to cancel what holiday this year i think columbus day no not columbus day it's coming up a little after that. Oh, okay. Kids' favorite. Yes. Halloween. Indeed.

Halloween. Now, first, Los Angeles County banned trick-or-treating because of the pandemic, but then they decided to just recommend against it after the backlash. Parents all over were saying, wait, you want us to steal candy from strangers, kids? Columbus Day wasn't a bad guess, though. No. That actually was an old columbus day tradition when you knock on your neighbor's door and then you move in and take care of yourself and give them diseases happy columbus day i've brought you cholera

well anyway everybody knows you can't have halloween during a pandemic especially because it's the time of year when kids are at their most sticky. Yeah, you don't want to waste your toilet paper anyways. Yeah, TPN is out this year. Yeah, absolutely. Or you just hope that you get hit. Well, there's that too. I mean, if somebody toilet papers my tree, I'm going out and cutting it off and bringing it in the house.

Now, it's what's so weird is like it's also fraught with danger now, touching other people, being with other people. Basically, with COVID, the safest thing you can hope for this Halloween are those apples with razors in them. Why am I laughing? I know, but it was always a favorite in my neighborhood. Coronavirus, tetanus, and a stomach ache. It's the best. Bill, how did Kimberly do on our quiz? Well, she did very well, got them all right.

Congratulations. Thanks for playing. Kimberly, congratulations. Thank you for doing the good work, and I hope you get to see your kids in person soon. Thank you so much. Me too. It's been fun. Thank you. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news.

Hurry, this week we learned about Bill Edgar. He's a private investigator in Australia, also known as the Coffin Confessor, because for a fee of $10,000, he will do what at your funeral? He will tell everyone a secret that you held your whole life and you never wanted anyone to know, but because you had a little bit of courage in death you got this guy to tell everybody what you did that is exactly right oh really yes that's what i said was absurd i but it's it's a It's an absurd business. For that fee, this man will come to your funeral and at the appropriate moment, he will stand up and say, hello, I have a message from

the deceased. This is what he wants you to know. He was originally hired by a guy who was terminally ill. And he said, I want you to come to my funeral and I want you to stand up and tell my best friend that I know he tried to sleep with my wife. So he went and that's what he did. And apparently word got around that he had done this on a professional basis. And he's been, uh, he's had steady work ever since from other people who want him to do similar things. Imagine if like Jesus did that. If it was just like, yeah, so I put red food coloring in the water. You know, at Irish funerals, the Irish funerals, the family does that themselves. We really don't have to hire anybody. No, he doesn't have any.

Is this something you guys think you might avail yourself of? I don't know about you, Paul, but as a stand-up comic, it's like I don't want someone else doing my bit. Yeah, well, I don't want a funeral. I would like to just be eaten by cats. I really would. That's what's going to happen,

so you're all set. Coming up, our panelists mail in their lies. In our Bluff the Listener game, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Hari Kondabolu, Paula Poundstone, and PJ O'Rourke. And here again is your host, the man currently looking at Airbnbs on Venus, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Jen from Brooklyn, New York. Hey, Jen.

How are things in Brooklyn? People keep asking me how I'm doing during the pandemic and the best answer I can come up with is, you know. What do you do there in Brooklyn?

I'm actually a dog trainer. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Lori, do I have work for you? I'm actually very glad to talk to you because I think my dogs are getting sick of us. At first they were like, oh, it's great, you're home all the time, that's great. But now they're like, why won't you leave so we can eat the garbage again?

What do you think the chances are of them just giving in and eating us? Very, very minute. You know, you've got to go for cats for that. Oh, true, good point. Uh-oh, Paula. Not true at all. It's another wait, wait, don't tell me factoid. Paula, everybody knows if, God forbid, you have that second heart attack and pass away,

we have got to get to you within eight hours, otherwise no one will ever find a trace of you. Jen, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Jen's topic? Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor Louis DeJoy. Nothing can stop the U.S. Postal Service, not even the guy in charge of it. This week, we heard a story that truly captures why we all still love the post office.

Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one. You'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Sure. All right, let's do it. First up, here's Paula Poundstone. The northern spotted owl that once thrived in the New England area is now rarely seen.

In 1996, it was placed on the endangered species list, which made Jim Ford's discovery of two owlets in the back of his mailbox in Mattawaska, Maine, all the more astounding. I never look in the back of my mailbox, but my niece said she sent me a letter. And it didn't come, and it didn't come, and it didn't come, and it didn't come some more. So I stuck my head in one day just to be sure, and there they were in the way back. They seemed to have made a nest of Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons. Mr. Ford posted a picture of the northern spotted owls online. The story was picked up by the Northern Forecaster newspaper, which led to more Mainers looking in the way back of their mailboxes. People found keys, wallets, Mother's Day cards from years ago,

jury summons, full cans of beer, baseball gloves, condoms, just stuff that they once shoved in there when their hands were full, meaning to come back and get it and then forgot. And several people found northern spotted owl nests, both empty and full. Even Maine Senator Susan Collins' cousin Bill Collins made such a discovery. Bill Collins was mauled by the mother owl the following day, and Maine wildlife officers warned against going near owl nests. Get another mailbox if you have to,

they advise. Mailboxes in Maine end up helping to save the northern spotted owl. Your next story of mail magic comes from P.J. O'Rourke. The U.S. Post Office has constantly innovated since its founding in the 18th century and it continues under Trump-appointed Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, who, as he likes to say, wants to put DeJoy back in the mail. The Postmaster's latest innovation idea? Electronic mail, a way to send a letter or card almost instantly anywhere in the country for just a small fee. Simply write out your message and bring it in to your local post office and a specially dedicated postal employee will type it into a computer and then with a push of the button or you can drop your message in any mailbox. 55 cents for an email, 35 cents for a social media posting. Asked about video sharing platforms, DeJoy said,

we're working on that. Maybe in the future with special delivery, we can have the local mail carrier act out your comedy sketch, dance moves, or lip sync routine. The new service from the U.S. Postal Service, electronic mail. Your last story of postal positivity comes from Hari Kandabulu. There are many lessons that disgraced Trump lawyer Michael Cohen could have learned during his year in Otisville Federal Correctional Institute. Perhaps things like don't lie to Congress or don't pay off pornographic film stars, especially with traceable LLCs created for the sole purpose of paying off pornographic film stars. However, he perhaps did not expect to learn that there are no spoiler alerts in prison. So what if you really, really don't like someone, but you abhor violence

and the person you don't like is in prison? Well, comic book writer Matt Miner decided to send postcards to Cohen with inane babblings followed by spoilers for movies like Knives Out and TV shows like Game of Thrones. Mr. Miner sent Mr. Cohen around 80 postcards in all. Surprisingly, Mr. Miner did not spoil films that you would think would apply to Mr. Cohen,

such as All the President's Men, Liar, Liar, or Dumb and Dumber. All right. Something fun happened with the post office. Is it from Paula Poundstone, how mailboxes in Maine ended up being a perfect nesting place for the endangered northern spotted owl? From PJ O'Rourke, how Postmaster Louis DeJoy

has come up with a great new service, electronic mail that you can send via your local post office. Or from Hari Kondabolu, how a guy who really didn't like Michael Cohen, Trump's lawyer, sent him postcards spoiling every popular entertainment he could think of while Cohen was in prison. Which of these is the real story of the Postal Service playing a role this week? I'm going to go with the third one about spoiling movies and TV shows and postcards. For Michael Cohen? Yeah. All right, that's your choice. You've chosen Hari's story of how somebody who just didn't like Michael Cohen sent him postcards spoiling everything. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone deeply involved with the real story.

I knew that Michael Cohen was probably bored enough or lonely enough in prison, and I just spoiled everything from Game of Thrones to Knives Out. That was Matt Miner. He's a writer and a vigilante who sent Michael Cohen 80 spoilers while Cohen was stuck in prison. Congratulations, Jen.

You got it right. You're in to point for hurry and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks for playing with us today. It was lots of fun. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Bye. And now the game where people who've done a lot of wonderful things get to do something else. It's called Not My Job. Titus Burgess is one of those people who was famous before he got famous. It's just back in the day, he was only famous to the cool people. He was already a celebrated Broadway star when he was cast as Titus Andromedon, a role written just for him in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. He's the host of a new singing competition show on Netflix,

Sing On. Titus Burgess, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Well, thank you. Wait, wait, don't tell me how fabulous I am. Yes, we shan't, we shan't. Now, I am told that you suffer from what, I guess, great actors like, say, Leonard Nimoy suffered from, is that people assume you are your character or they assume that you are.

Oh yeah, sure. I mean, you know, I've often met people who are terribly let down and dissatisfied. They're dissatisfied that you're not sort of loud and brash and fabulous and slightly crazy. Yeah. I mean like, honestly guys, I hover at about a two on the scale of one to ten. But look, I am so grateful. Call me Titus all day long if you want.

You know, I wouldn't be talking to you guys if it weren't for that role. I should point out that your name actually being Titus, probably everybody calls you Titus. But, you know, I was just thinking about how tough that can be to separate the character from the person. I used to know a young woman who played a part on a daily soap opera, and she could not walk down the street in New York without old women yelling at her. You've got to break up with that guy.

He's a bum. He's an absolute bum. And you're destroying your own marriage and your husband's a really, you know. People take it seriously. They really do. And, you know, aside from the minor inconvenience, I suppose, you know, I guess it's something to celebrate that they're that invested. Yeah. It really is a good thing.

So I'm grateful. I'll take this side. One thing. You were nominated a good thing. So I'm grateful all things aside. One thing, you were nominated a whole bunch of times for an Emmy. You're up again, right? This is my fifth nomination. Yes. And finally. Congratulations.

That's great. Thank you so much. So wait, Titus, the other four times that you were nominated and you were in the audience, did they have the camera right in your face when they say yeah and then what did you do yeah i've always wondered about but i but i what i will say it would you know it is a little uncomfortable knowing that they are waiting for your reaction one way or the other but i've been so lucky to be in the company of such brilliant

actors and just the acknowledgement I can hang on to that for years to come. Okay, but you have to still have a little bit of disappointment. No. No. No. If you don't express that

disappointment on the screen, that's what the casting directors are looking at. They're going, that guy's amazing. You'd never know what he's really thinking. How is somebody going to moat? Six years ago, y'all had no idea who I was. He's auditioning right now. And do you have a speech ready?

Do I have a speech ready? No. I think Paula has one that she'd like to give in case. I'm sure she does. She's like, give me this game, Amy. I want to talk about your new show, also on Netflix. Wait a minute. Sing on.

What? Paula Poundstone. Yeah. Yes. Wait a minute. You just figured out that's Paula Poundstone? I'm obsessed with you. I'm pardoning you for not doing my homework.

I didn't realize you were part of this. You are so good. I'm part of this. Honestly, sister, I'm such a huge fan of your work. Well, thank you very much. That's nice to hear. Truly. So I feel honored and also embarrassed that I didn't know you were you.

You know what? No one else could be me. They'd crack like a ripe melon. I believe that. That's amazing. I love that. I love, yeah, we're kind of amazed that she hangs out with us too, Titus, just so you know.

So I don't blame you for being surprised. No, I'm very lucky to get to hang out with them. So let's talk about your new show on Netflix. It's called Sing On. It is something that I thought should have happened years ago. It is a karaoke competition show. One of the things I wonder about being the host of a reality show is it must be hard sometimes

to tell people they're done, to send them home. Is that tough? You seem like a very nice man. Well, they don't technically go home, but they're out of the competition. Sure. Is it hard? It's Hunger Games, Titus. It's Hunger Games. Well, they're not killing each other. May the best man or woman sing. Titus. It's Hunger Games. Well, they're not killing each other.

May the best man or woman sing. Titus, are they sober? Because I don't know about the rest of you folks up on the screen, but I've never sung karaoke sober. Do you know what's funny? Yes. I despise karaoke. Really?

I was going to ask you. I'm sure my publicist is like, oh, God. I don't know if professional singers like karaoke, but I maybe assume that you liked it because you're doing a show all about it, but you don't like karaoke? I've spent all of my professional life being paid large sums of money to sing. And so the thought to go to a club and...

I mean, if you're a professional quality singer, it must be tempting every now and then to just walk into some karaoke bar and just blow everybody away. No, that's just like asking a surgeon. Every time you walk by a hospital, you're tempted to go in and perform surgery. Titus Burgess, it has been a joy to talk to you. We could do it all day, but we have work to do.

We have invited you here to play a game we're calling... Giving a Break. So you start on the unbreakable, Kimmy Schmidt. Yes, sir. What do you know about breakable things? We're going to ask you three questions about stuff that is fragile. Get two right, you'll win a prize. One of our listeners, Bill, who is Titus Burgess playing for? Matt Roberts of St. Paul, Minnesota. All right, you ready for this? Sure. All right, here we go. First question. A modern work of art was destroyed by a visitor to a museum in Germany a few years ago. That happens, but in this case she had an excuse. What was it? A, the artwork, a glass vase, happened to be right next to another artwork, which was a hammer. B, the artwork was a half-filled crossword puzzle complete with pen, so she naturally filled it in. Or C, the painting was of her ex, and as she put it, I guess I wasn't over her. C?

C is the most dramatic, I'll grant you that. Can I change your answer? You may. I haven't called it yet. C. That's it. Choose the one you love.

No, that would be great. It was actually a half-filled crossword puzzle. It was a bit of abstract art, and it had been hanging there, unfinished since 1965, and she was like, well, I'll fix that. of abstract art. And they'd been hanging there unfinished since 1965. And she was like, well, I'll fix that. All right, you still have two more chances. Not a problem.

Something turned out to be quite breakable at the grand opening of the Ottawa International Airport in Canada. When which of these happened? A, after the first passenger stepped on one, the moving sidewalks all had to be relabeled just regular sidewalks. B, the windows all shattered during a celebratory flyby of jets delaying one terminal's opening by another year. Or C, their decision to use drug-sniffing cats instead of dogs resulted in the destruction of all the furniture in Terminal B. That's the funniest answer, so let's go with that, the last one. I admire your spirit here.

I admire your flair for drama and entertainment, but I'm just going to ask you, are you sure? I'm sure. All right, so your choice is the drug-sniffing cats? Yeah, sure. No, it was actually the window shattering. Apparently they didn't check to see if the windows could withstand the sound of a jet going by at an airport.

All right, you have one more question. It's from the theater, so you might go for this. The Greek playwright Aeschylus proved a little too breakable personally when he died after which of these happened? A, a passing bird mistook his bald head for a rock and dropped a turtle on it. B, he didn't survive the Greek opening night tradition

of someone breaking a bottle of wine over the head of the playwright. Or C, he was rightfully stoned to death after proposing the first ever jukebox musical. What did jukebox musical have looked like back then? They didn't even have jukeboxes in ancient Greece. What are we talking about? Yeah, they may have, you know, just put a bunch of musicians in a box.

Well, jukebox isn't a literal translation. It's about the anthology. Yeah, or I guess in ancient Greece, the guy was sitting in the corner with a lyre, in a box well jukebox isn't a literal translation it's about the anthology not yeah or if i guess in like ancient greece a guy with sitting in the corner with a liar and you go over and you give him a quarter and ask him to play something um i guess it could work what was the one about surviving the bottle of wine i think i'm going to yeah it didn't survive the the classical greek opening night tradition where you smash a bottle of wine over the head of the playwright that sounds plausible let's choose that i love because, of course, they didn't have bottles.

They had clay vases. How dare you? I know. Actually, the answer was... Once again, you've lied. The answer was A. This is apparently true. Theater legend, a bird was flying by with a turtle, thought it could drop it on a rock to smash open the turtle.

Turned out it was Aeschylus. Birds don't carry turtles. This is also a lie. You have completely... I know. It's terrible. It's a terrible repayment for the enjoyment you've given me, but nonetheless, that's what happened. Bill, how did Titus Burgess do on our show?

Bill, there's a lot more in there too. Let's put it this way. Titus, you did it so stylishly, you are a winner. There you go. Come on. Winning on style points is, I think,

more impressive than doing it the other way. Titus Burgess, good luck this weekend at the Emmys. Titus Burgess

is nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series at this year's Emmys. You can also catch him as the host of Sing On, available on Netflix right now.

Titus Burgess, thank you so much for joining us and thank you for all the great stuff you've done. It was a joy. This was so much fun. Thanks, Titus. Thanks, Titus. Bye, thank you so much for joining us, and thank you for all the great stuff you've done. It was a joy. This was so much fun.

Thanks, Titus. Thanks, Titus. Bye, you guys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Titus. Thanks again. Bye-bye. In just a minute, bring your dipping sauces

to our listener limerick challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Hari Kondabulo, PJ O'Rourke, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host, who's hoping this intro finds you well, P.J. O'Rourke, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host, who's hoping this intro finds you well, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill.

In just a minute, Bill guesses his name is Rimpelstiltskin. In our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Hari, according to a new study, people have saved as much as $2,000 apiece during the pandemic just because they've been making what at home? Dinner. No.

Lunch. Breakfast. Can I get a hint? Sure. I've got a flat white for me. Is there a me here? Sex. Coffee.

Yes, coffee. Estimates are that since people are making coffee from home rather than buying it from coffee shops, we're saving up to $2,000 per person over the course of the pandemic. Of course, we still miss the experience of going to a Starbucks, so some of us have been recreating it by burning a $10 bill while misspelling our own name. Or, if you really want to capture it, invite random strangers inside to stay in your bathroom for like 25 minutes. And use your Wi-Fi. Exactly.

Oh, I've saved money on everything since the pandemic. You know, the only thing I can't save money on is pet food. Yeah, they just keep eating. When they look at me with those sad eyes, I go, but there's a pandemic, and they still want to be fed. You can make your own pet food at home. You can?

Yeah. I mean, all you need is some dead animals and a blender. It's true. Anyway, don't get too cocky about saving all this money on coffee. We've also been blowing that money on sourdough starters

and Zoom couples counseling. Paula, the Wall Street Journal reports that people across the country are increasing the value of their homes by taking what simple step? Doesn't cost anything except maybe just a new sign on front. Oh, putting a political sign in their front yard?

Oh, heck no. I'll give you another hint. Like, you could be living in Poundstone Manor. Oh, they just have a name for their dwelling? Yes. Giving your house a name increases its apparent value. You could put a fancy new kitchen in your trash heap of a house, or you could just put out a sign that says,

Trash Heap Hall, and get 10 grand over asking. Wow. That's fair. Who wants a feral home? That's true. Yeah. Okay, so if you name your house, does it come when you call? My house? Yes. Pandemic Palace, should fly off the shelf.

It should. It should. No, realtors and Airbnbers are finding a name really attracts customers. I mean, wow, I know this place has a weird smell, but what if I told you it was called Casa de Previous Owner Had Cats? Now, do cutesy names work? You know, I mean, you know, Wits End and stuff like that. How about New Zealand? I feel like New Zealand would be a good name.

New Zealand would be an excellent name for a house, yeah. And you can use it as an excuse. No, I don't live with my mom. I live in chateau mama the basement de chateau mama hurry a ball python at the saint louis zoo laid several eggs this summer but she did it without the help of what uh midwife i'm just trying to imagine what a snake midwife would be. No, I mean, this is something that is traditionally required by females to lay eggs.

Ovaries. Do snakes have ovaries? Yes, the snake had ovaries. I assume. Or whatever the snake equivalent of an ovary would be. Would it be a male snake? Yes, a male snake, yes. A female snake, known simply as snake number 361003, was able to lay three eggs without any male fertilization.

According to the snake, she decided she didn't need a man in her life after watching just one Ben Shapiro video. But not only... This snake, what was its name again, Peter? It was snake 361003. But you can recognize it because it wears a T-shirt that says, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. And all its friends are like, you're a snake, I don't get it.

And not only that, not only did the snake manage to do this on a kind of virgin birth, but the snake is 63 years old. I mean, Hollywood tells snakes that they're obsolete after 35. I think they're fibbing at the zoo there. You know, it's also easy for snakes to slip out in the evening. They're slithering away. You know what? It's like, where you been? Nowhere.

Well, I found your skin out by the club. your skin out by the club. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You can also check out the Wait Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with Bill and I asking you questions all on the suffocating familiarity of your own home. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hey, everybody. This is Rich McFarlane calling from Grand Forks, North Dakota. Grand Forks, North Dakota. That's awesome. One of the few places I've never been. One of the two states I've never visited. I don't know. Well, come on over.

You can stay at my house. All right. That is very nice of you. What do you do there? I'm a high school theater teacher. Oh, wow. How are you managing that, man? Well, we're doing the best we can, just like everybody else. Great year for one-man shows. Yeah, exactly. Well, Rich, welcome to the show. You, of course, are going to play the listener limerick challenge. Bill Curtis right here is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing.

You know what to do. Tell us what that last word or phrase is. You win our prize if you do it two times out of three. You ready to go? I am most ready to go. Let's do it. Let's do it. Here we go. Here's your first limerick. Here in Ottawa, it's rarely sunny, and it's cold here. Your nose will be runny. But a trip here will pay. We mean literally. If you visit us, we'll give you... Money. Yes! Money! Very good.

$100 we just added to the list of all the reasons to visit Ottawa, Canada, joining You Have To and Emergency Landing. Attempting to attract more visitors, the local government is offering cold hard cash as an incentive. To be fair, everything in Ottawa is cold and hard. It's in Canada. Ottawa, also known as No, No, You're Thinking of Toronto, has seen low tourism numbers this summer.

So this month, any tourist can get $100 to spend towards any of the great Ottawa attractions like that canal. It sort of feels like the Canadian government is your nicest uncle. Here's a $20, kid. Go have fun. Okay, Rich, here is your next limerick. It's a brownish big fluff that will billow. Oh, that grease stains a mere peccadillo.

It's fresh from the fryer and keeps my head higher. This fluffy McNugget's my pillow. Right, very good, Rich. You can finally get that McDonald's ambiance in your home with the new Chicken Nugget Pillow. McDonald's and Travis Scott teamed up in a new line of McDonald's merchandise, and the most popular item is a giant three-foot body pillow that looks exactly like a chicken nugget. For some reason, the giant body pillow that just smelled exactly like a chicken nugget

was not as successful. Now, in the old days, if you wanted a three-foot McNugget pillow, you had to order a 300-piece meal and a sewing kit. We don't deserve this planet. We really don't deserve this planet we really don't you know well well with that attitude i have good news for you now you guys are making fun of this

but the travis scott chicken nugget body pillow sold out instantly you can't get them anymore in fact there were two i mean they no they sold out everything they sold out the shamrock shake shorts the golden arer's rug, the Ronald McDonald weighted blanket, which is just an old duvet filled with old McRibs. All right, Rich, here's your last limerick. On a cheesy chalupa, I dine. And the sommelier's choice is real fine.

The best pairing we know. A nice jalapeno. Now Taco Bell's serving red wine. Yes, wine. There's a new way to get sick at Taco Bell with their new jalapeno noir. This proprietary red wine has notes of wild strawberry, cherry, and something you will regret in the morning. It's meant to be paired with the toasted cheesy chalupa and eaten in front of the TV. It'll be nice when every Taco Bell has a sommelier. They can give you wine recommendations and the code for the bathroom at the same time. It's a brilliant strategy because it's like you got to be drunk to eat there.

Right. And then you eat and then you drink more and you're like, oh, there's a Taco Bell right here inside where I'm at. And then you have some more, and it just goes on forever. It just does. You just stagger from Taco Bell to Taco Bell. A virtuous circle, they call that in business. By the way, just before you all get excited, right now the new wine is only available in Canada, so now we know what everyone in Ottawa is going to do with that $100.

Bill, how did Rich do on our quiz? Oh, he got them all right. Congratulations, Rich. Thank you so much, Rich, and good luck with that show. It sounds great. Thank you so much. Take care. Thank you, Peter.

Appreciate it. Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. And each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? PJ has two, Paula has two, and Hari has four. All right. Hari's way out in front. This is going to be tough.

Hari's taking it away. Because nothing matters anymore, I will arbitrarily choose PJ to go first. PJ, the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the director of the CDC said blanks may be better protection against COVID than a vaccine. Masks. Right. Also on Wednesday, blanks said the director of the CDC must have been confused. Trump.

Yes. On Tuesday, the UAE and Bahrain normalized their relations with blank. Israel. Right. This week, Hurricane Blank caused historic flooding in Alabama and Florida. Sally. Right. This week, police in Georgia made a public plea for a man who ran from a traffic stop to come down to the station to retrieve the blank he left behind. Pants. Winning lottery ticket.

In the first endorsement of their 175-year history, Scientific American magazine backed blank for president. Biden. Right. On Monday, hedge fund manager Steve Cohen reached an agreement to buy the New York blanks. Post. Metz. This week, a man in Malaysia who lost his cell phone and later found it in the jungle behind his house discovered that blank.

Discovered that a tiger had left a threatening message on his voicemail. No, that a monkey had stolen it and took a bunch of selfies. After stealing the phone, the monkey took dozens of pictures of branches and close-ups of his own face and fur. The man isn't exactly sure how the primate managed to steal his phone from the open window, or how it managed to upload a sponsored post to Instagram using the dramatic cool filter and an embedded link to buy a waist trainer. Bill, how did PJ do in our quiz? PJ had five right for ten more points. He now has 12.

And that puts him in the lead. Very good, PJ. That was a strong, strong round. All right, Paula, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Nancy Pelosi called for investigations into alleged abuses at Blank detention centers. Ice. Right.

This week, the administration laid out plans to make the Blank free to all when it becomes available. Vaccine. Right. With the resignation of Shinzo Abe, Blank elected their new prime minister on Wednesday. Japan. Right. An outbreak in Germany can be traced to one American woman who blanked while waiting for

her COVID results to come back. Went to Germany. No, she went on a pub crawl. Her results were positive. On Sunday, Oracle beat out Microsoft to take over U.S. operations of the video app Blank. TikTok. Right. On Wednesday, Blank announced the newest version of their smartwatch. Apple. Right. This week, passengers on a bus in the U.K. were shocked when a man boarded wearing a blank as a mask.

A snake. Very good, Paula. You're right. Riders on the bus in England first noticed that one of their fellow passengers was wearing a coiled snake around his face as a mask when he got on the bus and was wearing a coiled snake around his face as a mask. So congratulations, people who say masks are dangerous. In this one very specific instance. You are right.

Bill, how did Paula do in our quiz? Paula, look out for Paula. She had six. For 12 more points, she now has 14 in the lead. Congratulations. So Bill, how many does Hari need to win? Hari needs six to win, five to tie.

Alright, Hari, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, President Trump urged the GOP to support a larger blank relief package. Um, COVID. Yeah. On Monday, President Trump blamed the blanks on the West Coast on forest mismanagement. Fires. Right.

This week, the Fed announced they would keep blanks near zero until 2023. Interest rates. Right. On Tuesday, the city of Louisville agreed blanks near zero until 2023. Interest rates. Right. On Tuesday, the city of Louisville agreed to police reforms as part of a settlement with blanks family. Breonna Taylor. Right. Police in Canada say they're on the hunt for a man with a semi truck who has stolen blank. All their Tim Hortons coffee. No, $230,000 worth of beef and seven hot tubs. On Sunday, Tom Brady played his first game since leaving the New England Blanks.

Oh, Patriots. Right. On Thursday, private space company Blank launched 60 more internet satellites into orbit. SpaceX? Right. A customer at a department store in Britain considered returning his new cutting board after he found Blank on the back. Blood.

No, a sticker that said, do not use as a cutting board. The warning label on the cutting board read, quote, wipe clean only, do not use as a cutting board. The man was surprised, but this is what he gets for going shopping in the section of the department store that requires you to solve a bridge troll's riddle before you can use any of the items. Bill, did Hari Kandabulu do well enough to win? Well, he got six right for 12 more points. That means with 16, he won. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists, now that we've found life on Venus, maybe, what'll be the next thing we find in outer space? Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks.

Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Darius Cook. Our social media manager is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King.

With help this week from Ismail Lutfi, our intern in training, in training, is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction from Lorna White, our business and ops manager is Colin Miller, our production manager is Robert Newhouse, our senior producer, that's Ian Chilog, the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next thing we find in outer space? PJ O'Rourke. I don't know, Peter, but if it's over 60 years old, AARP will find it. Paula Poundstone. My black and red short sock. And Hari Kondabolu. The remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

Well, if that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. You bet that. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to PJ O'Rourke, Paula Poundstone, and Hari Kondabolu. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.