Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Tony Hawk and Jeff Tweedy

Episode Date: May 30, 2020

This week we present an around-the-country of WWDTM, along with special guests Tony Hawk and Jeff Tweedy.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. It's a great day for a road trip. Go ahead and put my top down. I'm your convertible, Bill Curtis. And here is your host, a man who's been waiting all quarantine to put on his seersucker sweatpants, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks again to our completely fictional audience, who this week are the good people of Amity Island, applauding when the mayor opens up the beaches. It's been a long few months of staying at home, and both Bill and I are getting a little stir-crazy from sitting in our houses.

and both Bill and I are getting a little stir-crazy from sitting in our houses. It's so true. How many times can you tour the formal gardens or banquet in the great room before you begin to tire of it all? Anyway, we thought we'd travel this week, back in time to when we were allowed to go places. This week's show will be our usual games and segments, but from all over the country from sea to shining sea. And to make it even more like a real cross-country trip, ask your roommate or spouse to pat you down like the TSA before every segment.

In May of last year, we went to St. Louis with Amy Dickinson, Tom Bodette, and Brian Babylon to tackle the big stories of that week. Your first quote took up most of the space in a birth announcement this week. Archie Harrison, Mountbatten, Windsor. That was the name that is longer right now than the person it was given to. Who is it? The new royal baby. The royal baby!

Yes! According to the United Nations, one million different species of life on Earth are going extinct. But at least we were able to save the rare useless baby royal. I'm with that. This is the first child of Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan. The baby is, I'm sure you want to know, seventh in line to the throne

after his grandfather, his uncle, and his cousins, so he'd better get to killing now. Yeah, if that was Game of Thrones, he's like next, nearly next. Nearly next, yeah. To put it in an American term, it's like being the secretary of agriculture, right? It's probably not going to happen, but you're allowed

to dream about it. So I have a question about his name. A couple of questions. His name is really Archie, not Archibald? Archibald. Archie, not Archibald. Archie. But I thought it was like, isn't that like Jughead's friend? Yeah. I was hoping. They're big fans of Riverdale. Now, a lot of people

say we're too obsessed with the Royals. We fought lot of people say we're too obsessed with the Royals. We fought a war to not have to be obsessed with the Royals. But, come on, it's just so exciting after the last couple of years to see a Brit successfully exit something. Oh, wow. Wow. Whoa. And it's interesting.

And apparently, you know, this is Meghan's first baby. Sometimes that's hard. It was a challenging labor. But interestingly, by tradition, the OBGYN who finally pulled the baby out is now the rightful king of England. Well, isn't, I mean, I don't know British history thoroughly, but is this the first royal with American blood, like a colonial? Apparently, there was somebody way back when, but certainly it's the first modern royal. Well, this is the first one that's black. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's be real with that. Are we going to dance around that? Come on, guys. Now, Prince, I don't know if you saw the video of Prince Harry coming out. So sweet. He was so excited. He said the baby was, quote, I don't know if you saw the video of Prince Harry coming out. He was so excited. He said the baby was, quote, amazing.

His wife was, quote, amazing. And the birth itself was, quote, wait for it, amazing. But you know what? He also said something that men, I've never heard a man say. What? He said, I don't know how women do it. I have never heard a man say that. I'm sure men think that. Men have said, don't know how women do it. I have never heard a man say that. I'm sure men think that.

Men have said, oh, man. What kind of man do you hang around with? Yeah, I said that two weeks ago. Come on, Amy. I thought that was so endearing. It was. He was so delighted with everything. He was frankly just so happy after all the centuries of inbreeding. He was happy his baby didn't have feathers.

All right, your next quote is Newt Gingrich speaking on Fox News. He didn't lose a billion dollars. He had a billion dollars in losses. Mr. Gingrich was explaining why, despite news of this astounding loss, who still really is a wonderful businessman? Could it be Trump? It could be Trump. Yes, Donald Trump, our president. The New York Times reported this week that Donald Trump lost $1 billion between around 1985 and 1994.

He lost money running a casino, hotels, airlines, a football team. On one occasion, he left $300 million bills in the pockets of his pants that he ran through the wash. Honestly, we should have figured out he really wasn't that good at business when he tried to pay off Stormy Daniels with a Groupon. Peter, can I just say one thing, too? You may, Brian. And this is what people need to realize. He lost a billion dollars back when a billion dollars was a billion dollars.

Yeah. And that means that's pre-internet. So you couldn't be like, oh, man, I have an app. Oh, I'm a billionaire. Like, now it's a lot of billionaires prancing around. That's back when you had to destroy people's lives to get a billion dollars. He lost a billion dollars then. Yeah.

I mean, I know literally nothing about business. And I don't know if I could, I couldn't accidentally lose that much money. I would have to do it purposefully. Yeah. Well, he said it's a sport. He said, hey, it's a sport. You can find a child who owns a lemonade stand and they would make better dividends than Donald Trump. All right.

Your next quote was an official statement from the PR department of HBO. This was a mistake. Daenerys had ordered an herbal tea. That was the official explanation from HBO about how what appeared by mistake in a scene in Game of Thrones last week. Starbucks. It was a Starbucks cup. It was, in fact, a Starbucks cup. Well, it was a to-go

coffee cup. It's unclear as to whether it was a Starbucks cup. Starbucks is saying it was a Starbucks cup. In last week's episode of Game of Thrones, obsessive fans, also known as people without anything real to occupy their lives, spotted a Starbucks coffee cup sitting in a table in this supposedly medieval fantasy kingdom. Fans, of course, were outraged because in the books, Queen Daenerys drinks only Dunkin'. You know what I'm tripping as, Peter? What? I thought it was supposed to be there because there's no time machine in Game of Thrones.

No, that's it. I mean, it's a play. They fly on dragons, you know? Like, why couldn't there be a Starbucks? Yeah, I mean, they fly on dragons. They can't go to a Starbucks drive-thru on the dragon. I mean, where do we stop our suspension of disbelief? Yes.

How long was this cup in the shot? Was it seconds? It was like one shot. And you don't, I mean. So did you notice it? I did not. But I can see, like, it's like if you got little kids, like you're not surprised to see a Lego anywhere, you know.

It could be in your food, it could be in your underwear drawer. They're just, and that's the way Starbucks cups are. Like, you don't even see them. now let's jump in the wait wait winnebago and head east on i-64 to savannah georgia where in february of 2019 i posed some questions to roxanne roberts mo raka and peter gross mo there's a new app called recharge and it lets you rent your what to people in increments of single minutes. Cell phone. No.

Okay, it lets your body. Your child. Wait, it's called Recharge? Is that a hint? It's called Recharge. It's a little bit of a hint, because the idea is that the people who are using it who want to rent this from you for a number of minutes

need to recharge. Oh, it's your charger. No. It's a car battery. No. I'm going to steal this. It's your house. That's what it is, Mo.

All right. So you just whip out this app, you dial it up, you use the function, and you can find somewhere near you a stranger who thinks that it's totally cool to let a stranger to them hang out in their apartment for 30 minutes this should be called like the serial killer app pretty much for the traveler it's it's a cost-effective and convenient way to pop into a clean home destroy their bathroom steal some vicodin and go about your day all right roxanne driverless cars are already on the road in some cities, and everybody thinks it'll be great because they're much more efficient,

it'll make everything better, but no. A new study has issued a warning saying that traffic will get much worse with automated vehicles because with their advanced artificial intelligence, they will refuse to do what? Parallel park. Mo, this is your chance to steal. I know, I know. They will refuse. Actually, this is your chance to steal. I know. They will refuse.

You were close. Humans do this too. We've been known to drive around blocks for like an extra 20 minutes. Oh, ask for directions. They have directions. To avoid having to do this. They will refuse to look for a parking space. You're right. I'm going to give it to Mo

so he can steal it back. Seems only fair. Right. Specifically, what they won't do is they won't pay for parking because they won't have to. You have to park your car because it can't go anywhere without you in it. Automated cars can just keep driving. You see? Why pay $35 for some downtown parking lot? So it just drops me off. I go into the little house for 10 minutes to take a nap. The car keeps circling, and I come out. Exactly.

You get to do what you need to do, and you're making your appointment, you're stealing their Vicodin, whatever, and the car does what it wants, which is kill more pedestrians, and then you meet up again. But isn't that also very wasteful in terms of fuel? Exactly. That's what the warning is about. Right? It's from Transportation Policy

Magazine, which has gotten really to be a downer. I remember the good old days when it was all bright stories and centerfolds of the Secretary of Transportation. Elaine, wow. Elaine Chao. Elaine Chow. Hey, Secretary. I also like the idea that you go inside

and the car goes out and drives what it does, and I just think a driverless car without a person in it is like, Whee! I love my life! I can just drive it! I can do whatever I want! I can steal Mr. It's driving me. I can do whatever I want. Ken and Greg steal Mr. Sexy License.

Coming up, our trip is just beginning. Our next leg is bi-coastal with visits to the Washington, D.C. area and a talk with Tony Hawk in his hometown of San Diego. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. The news has been hard to escape. So take a deep breath and join us for NPR's All Songs Considered. It's more than a music discovery podcast. It's more than a music discovery podcast. It's relief, with new episodes every Tuesday and Friday as we share the week's best new albums and lots of music to calm the nerves.

Hear all songs considered wherever you get podcasts. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, a man who's tearing apart his kitchen looking for that last can of SpaghettiOs, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. So this week we're taking a cross-country journey of the mind because we're tired of staying at home. Bill, are you still in your great room? No, I've retired to the billiards parlor. I still got that sledgehammer break. Glad to hear it.

In November of last year, just six months ago, we went to Richmond, Virginia, and played a bluff game with Tom Beaudet, Maeve Higgins, and Luke Burbank. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This is Marie calling from Reedsville, North Carolina. Hello, Marie, how are you? I'm so well, how are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This is Marie calling from Reedville, North Carolina. Hello, Marie. How are you? I'm so well. How are you? I don't know where Reedsville is. Where is it? It's about 30 minutes west of Greensboro.

Greensboro, of course. What do you do there? I work at a 4-H educational center. Oh, wow. The 4-H. This is the group that teaches kids animal husbandry and stuff. Yep. Environmental education and team building is what I primarily do. Yeah. Okay. Because animal husbandry just sounds kind of creepy, so it's better. Well, welcome to our show, Marie. You, of course, are going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Marie's topic? Hashtag free quilty. This week, we saw the hashtag free

quilty appear in the social media networks, and it really started a movement. Our panelists are each going to tell you what hashtag free quilty means. Of course, only one of them is telling the truth. Pick that person, and you will win our prize, the voice of anyone you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I'm ready. All right. First, let's hear from Luke Burbank. Mitch Love, head coach of the Saskatoon Blades hockey team, held what must have been the weirdest press conference of his career this week as he officially distanced himself and the organization

from the team's troubled mascot, Quilty the Toilet Paper Roll, who remains in a Saskatchewan jail on charges of disorderly conduct. As you all probably know, the forests surrounding Saskatoon are where most of Canada's toilet paper comes from, hence the city's nickname, the town that gets stuck under your shoe. And so it seemed only fitting that the local junior hockey team would honor that tradition with Quilty, a six-foot-three roll of toilet paper with huge googly eyes and a somewhat unsettling smile.

Not surprisingly, Quilty has been a big hit on social media with fans posting his various antics. But things got weird last week during all the Molson you can drink night when Quilty, or more accurately Fred Northup Jr., the college kid who plays Quilty, decided to see how much he could drink, which it turns out is a lot. That led Quilty to commandeering the Zamboni, which is that thing they use to clean the ice, and leading security on a slow speed chase around the rink for over two hours. Security and fans tried to reason with Quilty that the ice was clean enough, but Northup just kept drunkenly yelling,

let me do one more pass, you know, to make sure everything's clean down there. The incident has been viewed millions of times online, has even generated the hashtag FreeQuilty on Twitter. For their part, the hockey team is considering switching mascots to maybe like a wet wipe or maybe even a bidet. Free Quilty being tweeted in support of a hockey team's toilet paper roll mascot from Saskatchewan. Your next story of Free Quilty comes from Maeve Higgins. Our next story of free quilty comes from Maeve Higgins. Picture this. It's the middle of summer and you're fast asleep beside your handsome husband who's

exhausted from his job as a firefighter and a human rights lawyer. And also from his hobby as a swimmer, which gives him an enviable triangle-shaped torso with really fabulous shoulders and a neat little waist. Then you wake up and you're freezing cold. So you lie there shivering. You don't forget for a second how lucky you are to be so skinny and have such a good, tired, handsome husband and such wonderful and also very thin children. But sadly, you contract pneumonia and you die. Sadly, you contract pneumonia and you die. That is the true story of Megan Fields of Astley Village, Lancashire, in England.

The hashtag Free Quilty has been set up in her name and in the name of every scrawny woman who gets cold at night all year round. This is actually really sad. According to the president of this quilt awareness campaign, Vegan White, little tiny women need quilts year-round. That's why we invented the hashtag Free Quilty. In fact, I'm speaking to you through a quilt right now. Even though it's 90 degrees outside, because I'm just so little.

Every type of scientist, including astrologists, are predicting that more and more women will need quilts year round. Let's give the last word to Hunk Fields. Let's give the last word to Hunk Fields. In memory of my beautiful thin wife, Megan, as a fireman and a human rights lawyer, I want to say, free quilting. I believe every cold, thin woman should have access to quilts all year round.

In fact, I just bought my new wife, Tegan, a brand new quilt. Really sad. It is sad. But I'm glad that we found somebody. Tegan. Tegan, yeah, his new wife. Replacing Megan.

Like Megan with a T. Yeah, yeah. Also very slight, I would imagine. She's absolutely T. Yeah, yeah. Also very slight, I would imagine. She's absolutely tiny. Yeah. Free Quilty, a campaign to provide poor, cold, skinny, slender women with quilts. Your last story about freeing Quilty, whatever that might mean, comes from Tom Bodette. A cat named Quilty has been sentenced to solitary confinement for continually letting other cats out of their enclosures at his Houston shelter.

Multiple warnings failed to curb the problem. Weird, considering how famously compliant cats are to verbal command. Quilty, with the cold-eyed stare of a serial con, was caught by staff at Friends for Life Animal Rescue and Adoption Organization jailbreaking other cats out of the senior room several times a day. The shelter's staff grew weary of the morning cat roundups caused by Quilty's escapades and were forced to isolate him. When word broke of this, a hashtag free Quilty online campaign was launched to rescue the clever cat.

Of course, Quilty had freed himself from solitary before he could be released, but is still hoping for a forever home, or at least the shelter staff is. So the one thing that is absolutely true is that there was a hashtag Free Quilty that went viral this week. The question is, what did it mean? Was it from Luke Burbank, a campaign to free Quilty, the toilet paper roll mascot of a Saskatchewan hockey team? From Maeve, a movement to provide skinny women with quilts to protect their skinny selves on cold nights? with quilts to protect their skinny selves on cold nights. Or from Tom Bodette, a campaign to free a cat that escaped more often than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.

Which is the real story of free quilting in the news? I followed this story closely, and I'm proud to say I know that free quilting was in reference to the cat. The cat is your choice. You speak a team from knowledge. So you've chosen Tom's story. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone involved with a real campaign. Quilting, he

would open the door, all the other cats would leave, and he would go back to bed. That was Salise Shuttlesworth. She's the founder and executive director of the Friends for Life shelter, talking about Quilty the cat

who cannot be kept locked up. Congratulations. You were right. Tom wins a point for telling the truth. You've won our prize, the voice of anyone you might choose on your voicemail. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for playing. In March of last year, we went to San Diego, home of legendary skater Tony Hawk, who we invited to join us along with Jesse Klein, Helen Hong, and Luke Burbank. So, Tony, you are 50 now. So what is it like being a skater in your 50s? It's tough to stay up on new tricks. It's tough to stay relevant. I find it tough to go up and down stairs in my area. I am gripping the railing with both hands.

I have my days of soreness. But I never quit. That's my only secret. I understand you go around and do a lot of publicreness, but I never quit. That's my only secret. Yeah. I understand you go around and do a lot of public speaking as well. I do, yeah. To whom? Who wants Tony Hawk to come and speak?

It's strange. Once you're connected into that world, you start making the rounds. I've done speaking gigs at credit unions. I've done speaking gigs. That's true. Internet security companies. Okay, I have nothing against credit unions and internet security companies. Some of them have all my money, and the other has all my passwords.

But what do they want to hear from Tony Hawk, professional skateboarding icon? Honestly, if you're at a credit union and a professional skateboarder comes up, they think that's so far beyond cool. You can kind of say anything like, yeah, bro, it's sick. I do mad kickflips. And they're like, that's awesome. You could get away with it. I've never said that in a speech. I'm just giving you an example. It does occur to me that given if you're speaking to audiences like that, or frankly me, you could make up anything you wanted. Sure. Yeah. And I would buy it.

Like, you know, I was the first person to do a half left Bolivian and I'd be like, wow, whatever the heck. Do you ever hear someone say Fandango? That's sort of the code word from experienced skateboarders when they're making fun of you. Really? So, so how would that come up? So how would that be? Oh, you skate?

Yeah. When you skate, what, you know. What kind of tricks do you do? Oh, I can do backside fandangos. And if the other person's nodding, you clearly know that they're not a skateboarder. Oh, wow. You just ruined it, though, for America. Like 100,000 people just went,

oh, my God, that guy was lying to me. Tony, can I ask you a quick question? I was an obsessed skateboarder as a kid, and I wanted to build a half-pipe ramp in our backyard, which would have taken up the entire backyard. My dad never let me do it. Do you think if he would have let me build that ramp, I would be sitting where you're sitting right now?

Absolutely, yeah. Will you tell him that? I'm going to call him really quick. Yeah, let's call him up. I don't know if any other father has ever had to deal with this problem, but this is a problem that you are so cool. Not to our kids. Really?

No. Really? Even your kids? Your kids? Yeah. You're Tony Hawk, for Christ's sake. What more do they want? I have to say, they are jaded, because sometimes I get opportunities,

and it's not necessarily something I want to do, but it's a movie premiere that I feel like they'll be excited about. I said, hey, do you guys want to go? We got invited to the Incredibles premiere. They're like, I don't know. I'll see what's going on that day. Really? What? Hey, would you like to go to this amusement park where there's a ride I created that's

named for me? And there'll be no line. Well, I don't know. How long is the drive? I do want to ask you one last thing. Is it true that you were the first person to be allowed to skateboard in the White House? I wouldn't say allowed. Oh!

What happened? Well, so I was there during the previous administration. They had a bunch of prominent or celebrity-type fathers coming, and they were talking to a lot of different charities around D.C., but everyone converged at the White House in the morning. And I brought my skateboard because every time I go somewhere without my skateboard, people ask me that.

Right. Where's your skateboard? And so I was going to get caught there, especially with the president asking. No, sure. And suddenly I found myself to get caught there, especially with the president asking. And suddenly I found myself in a hallway unattended. And I was kind of looking around. And there were a couple other pro basketball players in the same group.

And I said, hey, will you take my phone and shoot a photo if I skate? Yeah, sure. And I skated, and it went viral. Yeah, of course it did. Yeah. And did you ever get in any trouble? I didn't. They kind of ignored it.

Really? Yeah. I think they just didn't, they didn't want to say that I ever had permission. They didn't want to acknowledge that I did it. Um, but I would do it again. No,

not now. No, but I would do it again. Well, Tony Hawk, it's a pleasure to have you it again. No, not now. No, but I would do it again. Well, Tony Hawk, it's a pleasure to have you here again. Thank you. This time... Thank you.

This time, Tony Hawk, we have asked you here to play a game we're calling Why, hello, you fancy bird. Tony Hawk, obviously your name, but it's also a phrase that here means a fancy bird, a Tony Hawk. Tony is a word that means fancy.

So Tony Hawk is a fancy bird. I can't believe you've never realized that before. At any rate, we're going to ask you three questions about other fancy birds. Get two right, you'll win our prize. One of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose in their voicemail. Bill, who is Tony Hawk playing for? Tim Letshaw of Grand Rapids, Michigan. All right, Tony, ready to play?

All right. Tony, we all know that the Queen of England loves her corgi dogs, but she also has a strong connection with some fancy birds. What is it? A, at any time, she can choose to wear a, quote, living crown, which is a crested pigeon trained to sit on her head. B, by law, she owns every swan in Britain. Or C, among her bodyguards, the queen's own eagle regiment,

a squad of 12 trained attack birds. Wow. I really want it to be C. You want it to be C? Yeah. Eagle regiment. I'm going to go with it because it just sounds so great. The little eagles and they have those funny hats

yes please march no it's actually B by legal decree since the 1300s every British monarch technically owns every swan

in Britain they're all royal property wow so if you fool with a swan you might get hit with a very famous purse so don't do it two more questions although I appreciate your spirit

there in choosing the dumber one. Next question. Swiftlets. Swiftlets are fancy cave-dwelling birds in Southeast Asia. They're prized primarily for their what? A. They're the only birds known to lay square eggs, good for stacking.

B. Their saliva is used to make a very expensive gourmet soup. Or C, swift-lit feathers are super absorbent and used to make the first Swiffer mops. Birds' nest soup, I've actually had it. Yes, you're right. It is B, the swift-lit make-nest with their own saliva that saliva is then used to make bird's nest soup,

an Asian delicacy. Very good. Last question. If you get this right, you win. The capercaillie is the world's largest grouse. It's a kind of ground-welling bird. And the capercaillie has been filmed doing which of these amazing feats?

A, a triple axle while skating across a frozen lake. B, eating an entire anteater, earning it the name Anteater Eater, or C, beating BBC natural historian David Attenborough in a fight. Wow. San Diego, I need

some help. C? I really want to believe these other scenarios, though. I know. That would be lovely. Yes, see, that sounds more reasonable. That's exactly right. It is, see. But to be fair, Attenborough was kind of asking for it. He's doing one of his nature specials

talking about how the caper calli is very protective of its territory during mating season. He walks right up to them, and the caper calli beats the hell out of him. It's really knocks him flat in his butt. Bill, how did Tony Hawk do in our quiz? He skates away with a win. Two out of three. You're a winner.

Tony Hawk is of course a legendary skateboarder. His new mobile game Tony Hawk's Skate Jam is available now on all the platforms. Tony Hawk, thank you so much for joining us. We'll be right back. When we come back, our journey continues with stops in

Washington, D.C., San Antonio, Texas, and finally back home to Chicago with Wilco's Jeff Tweedy. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from Best Fiends. Best Fiends is the puzzle game

that has an engaging story and engages your brain. With thousands of puzzles that update monthly, there's always a new challenge to master. Best Fiends is the five-star rated puzzle game that can be played anytime and anywhere, no internet required. Download on the Apple App Store or Google Play for free. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends. This message comes from NPR sponsor BetterHelp, a truly affordable online counseling service. Fill out a questionnaire online and get matched with a licensed counselor best suited to your mental health needs.

Whether it's depression, anxiety, or trauma, BetterHelp will help you overcome what stands in the way of your happiness. Learn more at BetterHelp.com and get 10% off your first month with promo code WAITBETTERHELP. Get help anytime, anywhere. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, lying on his floor and seeing if he can see shapes in the ceiling tiles, Peter Sagal. Thanks, Bill. Well, it's been a long, strange trip this week as we virtually traveled across the country to do our show.

Well, it's better than sitting at home. Where are you now, Bill? I have strolled out into the menagerie, Peter. I find the sight of the big cats to be soothing. Well, be careful, Bill. We've all seen Tiger King. We know what can happen. Never worry. They accept me as the apex predator. One of our favorite places to bring our show is Wolf Trap, the outdoor performing art center near Washington, D.C. When we went there in August of last year, I posed questions about that week's news to Nagin Farsad, Peter Gross, and Faith Saley. Faith, the National Park Service has put out a notice telling hikers at Great Smoky Mountains National Park not to be alarmed by what that they might find coming at them on the trail. Oh, it is a rolling dung. Yes. That's, it's, it appears to be animated scat. Yes. And in fact,

coming at them, and in fact, it is some kind of bug, some kind of insect, right? Well, yes. So this is what happened. So, yes. I love that that word for word was the answer. They waited for the bell until it was the end. Park rangers are telling visitors not to be alarmed by the rolling poop. They say that, no, the balls are not moving by themselves.

Don't worry. They're getting pushed by giant dung beetles. According to the Park Service. That's way scarier, by the way. giant dung beetles. According to the Park Service... That's way scarier, by the way, giant dung beetles. According to the National Park Service, male dung beetles, or tumble bugs, make the dung balls in an effort to woo females. Remember, no, remember, guys,

if you like it, then you better roll a ball of poop towards it. Hikers are seeing this and noticing it? Like, a dung beetle to me is, like, much smaller than my thumb. No, it's a big white beetle and a much bigger ball. It's like a baseball size. Yeah, it's ten times the size of the beetle. Oh, well, that's impressive. What's his number?

I mean, that's, like, ridiculous. That is insane. That would be like me pushing, like, the boulder that almost killed Indiana Jones. Exactly right. Full of crap. And being like, hey, ladies. That is insane. That would be like me pushing like the boulder that almost killed Indiana Jones. Exactly right. Full of crap. And being like, hey ladies. It's insane. Peter, the Kinsey Institute

has released the findings of a new study. They say people who do what tend to have more sex? Lower their standards? I'll take a hint, please. Take a hint. Well, you know, basically you just start with the eggplant and pretty soon happy face. People who text a lot

have more sex? People who text with emojis have more sex. Yes, emojis. According to the Kinsey Institute, those perverts, people who frequently use emojis in their texts have more sex and a better dating life than people who do not. This is so disturbing. My dad uses lots of emojis.

Like all the time. Well, your dad's a healthy human being. Yes. Just like everybody else. But apparently it's actually good because signaling your affection via emoji is more, I guess, communicative than using

just words because that is where we are now. Chivalry is dead but the peach emoji, very much alive. Whenever I text my husband the ovulation emoji, he races home. What is the ovulation emoji, he races home. What is the ovulation emoji?

It's an egg. It's a ball of dung. It's an egg and a sock. In April of last year, Wait, Wait made its debut in San Antonio, Texas, with panelists Nagin Farsad, Alonzo Bowden, and Maeve Higgins. Remember the Alamo? Not after that night of hard partying. Here's our limerick game from that show. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hey, this is T.J. calling in from Waterbury, Vermont. Hey, Waterbury is a great place. What do you do there? I groom ski trails for Sugarbush Terrain Parks. So you're a ski guy. That's cool. I'm a snowboarder, but yeah, we're up there every night just laying down corduroy for the people. That's really cool. You sound like a snowboarder. I'm just going to go there. Well, TJ, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each.

If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? Yeah. All right. Here's your first limerick. My pet is a bit of a brat. I'm the servant in his habitat.

Those who own a sweet dog all live high on the hog. I feel lousy because I have a cat. Yes. Those who own a sweet dog all live high on the hog. I feel lousy because I have a cat. Yes! Dog owners are happier than cat owners. It turns out it's been proven with a new survey showing how dog owners self-identify as very happy whereas cat owners identify as very... Ow! Why did it bite me again?

The survey found dog owners are happier than those with cats. The survey also found, and this is true, that people with cats are less happy than people who have no pets at all. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean that cats make you unhappy. It may just be that cat owners are miserable losers for entirely different reasons. Can I just say, hashtag not all cats, because I grew up with a really great cat that was basically like a dog. And now I have a dog, and they were like this.

I can't even tell them apart. It's funny how cat people always say that yeah they're always doing no no my cat is different no it's not yeah it's a cat yeah here is your next limerick for podcasts we've got an idea. A Swedish-voiced sleep panacea. Now, Hemnes and Malm will help you stay calm. Our podcast reads names from... IKEA. Yes! Very good. Do you need a new sleep aid?

Our show no longer doing it for you. IKEA is launching a podcast made to help people go to sleep. It's what it's for. In which two Swedish men read the names of products from the IKEA catalog. Which is a great idea. It's much better than

their original idea of reading from the illustrated assembly manual. Because like, I don't know, a man with a hammer is sad and the corner of his table hurts. Now, the podcast is advertised as a great way to help people fall asleep, and if you listen to a clip,

you can hear why. Björksnäs. Chest of five drawers. Puderviva. Queen quilt cover set. Swedish people reading an Ikea catalog is truly the definition of white noise. And if this isn't enough

for you, you can turn into Ikea's next podcast from Guy Raz. How the hell do you build this? Alright, TJ, here is your last limerick. On airplanes, the sound can be crushing. When vacuum-sucked water is rushing. Since kids can be scared to use bathrooms midair,

we have softened the noise of our... Flushing. Flushing, right! Physicists are working to improve airplane travel, but not by making sure your plane doesn't crash. No, they're trying to make sure the toilet isn't too loud. People have been complaining for years about the deafening roar of the airplane toilet flush, saying it terrifies children and masks the other bathroom sounds they do want to hear.

Apparently, designing a quieter mechanism that can function at high altitudes has been a challenge, but engineers have found a way to cut the noise of the flush by 16 decibels. You just put your fingers in your ears. Brace your elbows. Unfortunately, they haven't found a way to reduce the sound of the guy in the seat next to you who can't hear himself farting because his headphones are on. Bill, how did TJ do on our quiz? Well, you know, very, very well.

Congratulations, TJ. Thank you. Thanks so much for playing. The best part of every long trip is coming home. At least, I think so. It's been a while. I actually can't remember the last time I wanted to be inside this house. One of our favorite places in Chicago is Millennium Park, the shining architectural gem right by the lake,

where a few summers ago we talked to Chicago's own Jeff Tweedy, along with panelists Bobcat Goldthwait, Amy Dickinson, and Peter Gross. When he was a kid, Jeff Tweedy had a guitar but lied about knowing how to play it. Eventually, he figured he'd better learn before somebody called him out. We assume he also lied about forming

two of the most important bands in the last 20 years, Uncle Tupelo and Wilco, because he went ahead and did that, too. Jeff Tweedy, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thanks for having me. Because he went ahead and did that to Jeff Tweedy welcome to wait wait don't tell me So of course we read that story about you online So we have no idea if it's true, but is it true that you had this guitar But did not a play and you lied about it Mike my career is built on a lie

Oh really and the lie is that you could play that I? That I know how to play the guitar. So, right. I had a guitar and I told everyone that I knew how to play it and I recorded Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run off of the radio. Yeah. And I took it to school and told everyone that it was me.

Really? Yes. Like, the song, not like a cover of the song. No, the whole album. The whole album. The whole album. Yeah, on Sunday nights in St. Louis, they would play whole albums on the radio. I recorded Born to Run, and I learned enough of the lyrics that I could sing along with it.

And I was delusional. could sing along with it and I I'm delusional I I told a bunch of my friends in like the fourth grade that that was me right did they believe you I no I don't think so did they ever catch on did they go this guy's ripping you off Jeff no one of them one of them did say I think I've heard that and I said probably probably it's pretty popular so how did you then then finally decide you should probably learn the guitar your own self I had a terrible bicycle accident and and I ended up in bed for a whole summer. Oh, wow. When I was around 12 years old.

You think that's funny. Actually, I don't think that's funny at all. So you're in bed, and you're like, well, I need to do something. I might as well finally learn to play the guitar. I thought it was my opportunity to learn how to play the guitar before someone asked me to play Thunder Road. Right. Which is hard.

Can you play Thunder Road today? No. No, you can't do it. You never reach that deal. I started with Ramones songs. Right. And your first band was in high school, which is true of a lot of people. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And what was that band like? Well, it was actually kind of Uncle Tupelo, but it was with some of Jay Farrar's other, his brother was in the band, and we played mostly 60s garage band covers. And then we actually did very, very well because there was nothing else to do around where we lived.

Right. So we'd just book like a vfw hall and every teenager from every high school in the county would come and and drink underage right and that was much more popular than we were but we benefited so that's great that worked so and so when did you start writing your own songs? Probably around the same time that I started playing the guitar. It was easier for me to make things up than

learn how to play someone else's song correctly. And what were your first songs like? You probably heard some of them. They were about being born to run and stuff like that. Oh, wait a minute. About New Jersey life, life in New Jersey.

I just picture these fourth grade girls sort of gathered around you and you're like, honey, I got to hit the road, you know. They're like, mom, what's a tramp? Jack called me a tramp. There weren't any girls talking to me. Did you ever get to the point where you actually had the classic groupie situation going on no no no I mean we'll go did not have like I found out that you lived here in Chicago but I also found out something that I did not know about you is that you're a Jewish person which I did not expect that is correct that you're a Jewish person, which I did not expect. That is correct.

That's well mazel tov. Thank you. Yeah. But you didn't grow up Jewish, did you? I did not grow up Jewish. I converted when my youngest son was being bar mitzvahed. Were you bar mitzvahed together? He was bar mitzvahed, and I had a conversion ceremony.

Right. And I know what everyone is thinking. I know. I didn't want to ask, but did it hurt? I had the proper style. But apparently that's not good enough. Really? No.

No? Really? Even though you were all set, they had to go back and do it over again? Is that what you're saying? They didn't have to do it over again, but they did have to do something. And I was picturing an operating suite. So they had to do a sort of faux procedure on you? A ritual procedure, as it were? They took me into a storage closet at a temple. So they bring you into the closet? Yeah, well, this guy with a black leather bag.

Are you sure he wasn't, Moe? I'm not sure. We got him from Craigslist. He showed up with an official-looking leather bag. And he asked me on the way to the closet do you do you understand what this entails and you said and i said i think so and um so we get in the closet he says uh drop take your pants down and and i said yeah okay that's that's what I expected and and then he like I don't know what the NPR word for it is is like I guess phallus right there so he he he put had he had my phallus in his hand with a little bit of gauze, or a lot of gauze, actually. It was a large amount of gauze.

Oh, yeah. It was almost a whole roll of gauze. Exactly. And so he reached down in his bag, and he got a sharp object, and he looked up at me, and he said, My sons are big fans. Oh! Our virtual trip around the country has come to an end,

and I've got to say, there's no place like home. Let's hope we all get to go outside soon and prove it. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions' Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks, our intern is Emma Day, our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme.

Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Our designated driver for this trip is Peter Nguyen. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer, that's Ian Chilog, and the executive producer

of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Michael Danforth. Thanks to everybody you heard on this week's show, all our panelists, all our guests, and of course, Bill Curtis, Don't Tell Me, is Michael Danforth. Thanks to everybody you heard on this week's show, all our panelists, all our guests, and of course, Bill Curtis, and thanks to everybody all over the country who came out to see us. We miss you, and we will see you soon. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see all of you next week. This is NPR.