Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Tracy Letts

Episode Date: February 8, 2020

Tracy Letts, actor and playwright, joins us along with panelists Peter Grosz, Amy Dickenson, and Hari Kondabolu.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Hey, Iowa, I'm the only candidate that's via Bill. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. So good to see you here. We have such a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the award-winning actor and playwright behind August, Osage County, and Killer Joe, many other plays, Tracy Letts. County, and Killer Joe, many other plays. Tracy Letts. Yes, he's here. He writes brilliant plays filled with madness, murder, dysfunction, and paranoia, which weren't realistic when he wrote them, but circumstances have changed. We don't want to hear your deep family secrets. We just want you to play our games. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, Peter and gang. This is Chad Johansson from the epicenter of the New Hampshire primary, Manchester, New Hampshire. Oh my gosh. That's very exciting. So you're in Manchester. Are you one of those people who are excited about the primary season or do you resent it? You know what, Peter? I've grown up around it. I've always loved it. I've been very involved with politics. But I've got to tell you this year, everything goes great until I turn on the television.

I can't get away from you, Tom Steyer. Oh, really? Oh. So Tom Steyer, the billionaire candidate, is flooding the New Hampshire airwaves with that? Oh, my gosh. I can't turn on YouTube, the local news. I can't turn on anything without seeing his news. I can't turn on anything without seeing his face. Those are the two choices. I just got to ask you, for Mr. Steyer's sake, have they worked? Are you finding yourself feeling warmly toward Tom Steyer?

I mean, he makes some good points, but I don't know. He's kind of encroaching on my personal time. Well, Chad, we're glad to talk to you. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian you can see headlining the Motorco Music Hall in Durham, North Carolina, on February 19th, and Victory North in Savannah, Georgia, on February 20th. It's Hari Kandabolu.

Next, the syndicated advice columnist behind Ask Amy. It's Amy Dickinson. Yay! And finally, it's an actor and writer who wrote for the upcoming season of At Home with Amy Sedaris. It's Peter Gross. Hello. So, Chad, welcome to the show. You, of course, are going to start us off with Who's Bill this time.

Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. They're all Tom Steyer, by the way. He's heard them. I'm kidding. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go? Hit me with your best shot, Bill.

We will. Your first quote is from the CEO of a company that made a voting app called Shadow. We feel really terrible about that. That man was apologizing for his company ruining the results of what this week? The Iowa caucus. The Iowa caucuses. Come on, Iowa. Not only do you have one job,

you only have to do it once every four years. It's like an Olympic archer standing up and immediately shooting himself in the crotch. The Iowa caucuses are impossibly complicated, we found out this week, but apparently we need to do them because only Iowans can really get to know the candidates face-to-face, which was why we saw a bunch of farmers feeling Bernie Sanders' haunches and checking his teeth. I've never seen a cow this old.

I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. I hear his milk is 1%. Yes. So what was the result of the Iowa caucuses? Everybody's been waiting. Nobody knows. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. This brand new phone app meant to make the results easy to report didn't work.

Well, maybe they shouldn't have bought a product called Shadow. Could they not get Evil Tech Incorporated on the phone? It also sounds like a mysterious makeup. Yes. Shadow. But wait, you know,

I thought the Iowa caucuses were basically, it's like in a gym. Yeah. It's like dodgeball, sort of. Like the loser has to go over to the winner's side and stand there. Yeah. So how hard is that? Isn't it just counting?

I mean, don't they just count? I think that's neither the caucuses nor dodgeball. That you just described. Have you ever played dodgeball, Amy? Yeah, I played dodgeball. The caucuses should be, by the way, the way that you just described it. It should be just the candidates in a gym throwing dodgeballs at each other. It would have been easier.

On Wednesday, they put out more results, but then they had to put out a retraction. They promised they will have the official, guaranteed, verified results by the time Trump is re-elected. I see who you're caucusing for. All right, your next quote is from the President of these United States. Tonight, we have a very special surprise. There were a lot of surprises, and what big speech on Tuesday? The State of the Union. Yes, the State of the Union address.

What pomp, what circumstance. The president began the evening by refusing to shake Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's hand. It all went downhill from there. For the entire speech, sitting behind him, Nancy Pelosi looked like a woman listening to her ex-boyfriend talk. And Mike Pence looked like a contestant hoping to get picked on The Bachelor. As you can imagine, I could have anticipated, President Trump said the State of the Union is strong. That's better than his first draft in which he said the State of the Union is Kansas. But he seemed to be in a really good mood.

Why not? He was getting ready to celebrate being acquitted in his first impeachment. But it got really bizarre because he had all these reality show stunts. He gave a young woman a scholarship right there in the gallery, surprised her with it. He surprised Rush Limbaugh with the Medal of Freedom right there live on national TV. Hey, Rush Limbaugh, you just got the Medal of Freedom. What are you going to do now? Well, I'm going on a sex tour of Thailand. The thing I couldn't get over was when he reunited a military family by surprise. That was like, oh, this woman, she came to the State of the Union with her children.

She didn't know her husband was going to be showing up from Afghanistan. Particularly sad because she brought her boyfriend. But then it turns out it got even better. It turns out Trump had hidden a free soldier under every chair in the auditorium. You get a soldier. You get a soldier. Can we go back just for a moment to Rush Limbaugh getting a Medal of Freedom? Just, that's a thing that happened.

It's good in that it means that we're all a step closer to getting the Medal of Freedom. I feel more qualified for it than I ever have. Mother Teresa won a Medal of Freedom. It's like Charlie Brown getting elected to the NFL Hall of Fame.

Like... And then, as we said, it ended with Miss Pelosi ripping up the speech. She really enjoyed it. That's why we should not have put her in charge of counting the paper ballots in Iowa. All right, your last quote, changing direction, is a comment on a New York Times report about a group of people cooking dinner in Florida. These guys should use an apron, at least.

So that was a reaction to this story about people cooking while what? They're cooking naked. Yes, while what? They're cooking naked. Yes, they are. They're cooking naked. Turns out the latest trend in home cooking is not raw cuisine, but cooking in the raw. According to the New York Times, the paper of record, more and more people are embracing nude cooking, but they're not embracing each other. That's not what nudism is about. Didn't you read our pamphlet?

each other. That's not what nudism is about. Didn't you read our pamphlet? Nudists see, they say, a clear link between being unclothed and creativity, which is true. Just think of all the really interesting ideas you've had with your pants off. Amy, you've been doing this show

for 20 years and yet you seem surprised sometimes. I think she identified with the ideas while your pants are off. I just added one more thing that I don't want to do when I'm naked. I just,

it's a long list. It's a very long list. Sex is right at the top. It's right at the top. Right at the top. Now it turns out, of course, that not only do people cook,

but of course, these nudist resorts have restaurants, which in this particular case, the, the, uh, Amy, they have to eat. They have to eat. The restaurants in this particular one, according to the New York Times, the great, great lady,

uh, Butthut. No. The Bear Buns Cafe. TMI Fridays. Crack Barrel. Oh. You know, some nudist is listening to this show right now, and they are turning off their radio

while naked. That's true. They are very offended. Bill, how did Chad do on our quiz? Chad was great. He got three right, and that means he's the winner. Congratulations, Chad. Nicely done. Thank you so much for playing, and good luck surviving's the winner. Congratulations, Chad. Nicely done. Thank you so much for playing, and good luck surviving the next week.

Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Amy, it's hard being a man these days, but luckily... Oh, I... It is, yes. I literally bleed for you. Anyway. He's going to start the questioning.

I am. It's hard being a man these days, but luckily one company is catering to their unique needs by finally making what just for men? What do men need more of that they don't already have in abundance? Well, because it's for men, it's extra crusty. Like a pizza? No.

No. Although you're in the right general ballpark. A type of bread. Bread, actually. You got it. Just for men in the right general ballpark. A type of bread. Bread, actually. You got it. Just for men? Just for men bread. Men's bread.

Oh, my God. That sounds like a disease. Yes. Now we have men's bread just for men. No longer do men have to put ham and cheese directly on their hairy forearms. Do you cover it with man's bread? You do, of course. I'm not saying that.

Do you cover it with man spread? You do, of course, amen. The product claims to be a, quote, functional high-performance bread for men. It, of course, comes in flavors just for men, like multigrain, barbecue, and the Oscar for Best Director. Tell me, tell me a more nice... Director. Coming up, our panelists enjoy a lazy Sunday afternoon in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-triple-8-wait-wait-to-play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

Support for this podcast and the following message comes from the NPR Wine Club. Discover hand-selected wines, explore the stories behind each one, and enjoy unique bottles inspired by your favorite NPR shows like Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, Pinot Noir, and weekend edition Cabernet. The NPR Wine Club is the perfect pairing to support NPR's programming. If you're 21 or older, uncork a special offer at nprwineclub.org. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Amy Dickinson, Peter Gross, and Hari Kondabolu. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium

in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now, thank you, everybody. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Karen Warner from Anderson, Indiana.

Well, how are you, Karen? Well, I'm pretty good. I'm glad to hear it. Now, where in Indiana is Anderson? It's sort of halfway between Muncie and Indianapolis. Oh, I see. So you're the place where people from Indianapolis and Muncie go to to really have a good time.

That's it. Well, Karen, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. What is the topic, Bill? It's 4 p.m. on a Sunday. Do you know where you are? 4 p.m. on Sunday is the worst time of the weekend. There's absolutely nothing left to do, and it's too early to go to bed.

This week, we heard about someone who came up with something interesting to do exactly at 4 p.m. on Sunday. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one, and you'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to play? Ready. All right.

First, let's hear from Hari Kandabulu. With more restaurants in town than ever before, Henry Lawrence's diner, The Polar Bear in Brunswick, Maine, hit hard times. Hope was in short supply until Mr. Lawrence had an epiphany. Everyone offers brunch now. It's like the hip new thing from New York City that people can't get enough of. But how about a meal between lunch and dinner? Dunch, as Mr. Lawrence calls it, has been served at the Polar Bear every Sunday at 4 p.m. for the last month. Mr. Lawrence claims 4 p.m. is the ideal time to eat on Sunday since people do not stay up late before the work week starts, and research has shown that people tend to put on the most weight when they eat late dinners on Sunday. We found no

studies that prove this to be true. So far, the experiment has not taken off. One local resident said they felt uncomfortable with the word dunch. It sounds like a racial epithet or an act of sexual perversion. I am a God-fearing man who has no interest in such activities. The criticism

hasn't stopped Mr. Lawrence, though, who has taken a second mortgage on his house to keep his diner and Sunday dunch alive. I thought my wife would stop me, but instead she left and took the kids. I'm fine with it. More dunch for me.

The diner owner decides that 4 p.m. Sunday is the best time for a whole new meal he calls dunch. Your next story of a super Sunday comes from Amy Dickinson. Good news for that subset of people who go to church on Sunday mornings hungover or maybe still drunk from Saturday night. And I'm not just talking about the clergy. You know the feeling. Sure, you love Jesus, but on Sunday mornings, you just hate the sunlight. The smell of the communion wine makes you vomit in your mouth just a little bit. Or maybe you want to punch out the choir for singing so loudly. Reverend Mark Montgomery, an Anglican priest in Kent, England,

asked churchgoers why they were skipping services on Sunday morning. A lot of them said they had to take their kids to sports games or that they wanted to go to the farmer's market.

The ones who weren't lying said that sometimes they were just too hungover from partying the night before. Now members of Reverend Montgomery's parish have the option to worship a little less hungover on Sundays at four in the afternoon. That's the perfect time. An hour after the headache has finally faded and an hour before the drinking begins.

I'd like to suggest some simple changes to tailor this service to the needs of the congregation. For instance, sermons titled, I love you, man. I'm not even tired. Or, oh my God, we should totally hang out more. A church service in Britain at 4 p.m. on Sunday, just right for people who couldn't get out of bed on Sunday because of the Saturday night they had.

Your last story of the Lord's Day improved comes from Peter Gross. Cyberdyne Systems is a budding software startup in notoriously competitive Silicon Valley. Founder and CEO Joshua Hirsch was looking for a way to boost output from his staff when he read a study in the New England Journal of Work-Life Balance that found that most people start thinking about going back to work at around 4 p.m. Sunday afternoon. Scientists identify this as the precise moment when people give up on both finishing the Sunday crossword puzzle and having fun with their family. I had a brilliant idea, said Hirsch. Well, to be fair, I was

microdosing when I thought of it, so it may have been just a regular idea that I thought was brilliant. He instituted an optional 4 p.m. Sunday work session for his employees who wanted to get a jump on the work week. On the first Sunday, 45 of Cyberdyne's 50 employees showed up, while five future former employees didn't understand that at work, optional really means mandatory. Of course, once everyone comes in early, then early is on time, so the following Sunday, enthusiastic software designer Frank Romanski showed up at noon. So then people started coming in on Saturday night,

and then Saturday morning, and then this week, not a single employee of Cyberdyne Systems went home for the weekend at all. Many have even begun sleeping at their desks, all except Romanski, who said, sleep? Why do you need to sleep? I'm telling teacher! Alright.

So somebody somewhere decided to start doing something exactly at 4pm on Sunday. Was it from Hari Kondabulu, a man who decided that'd be the perfect time to serve in his restaurant a new meal between dinner and lunch called dunch? Amy, in England, a church service for people who just can't get out of bed because of the drinking they did and can roll in at 4 p.m. Or from Peter Gross, a tech company that decided that the work week really starts at 4 p.m. on Sunday and made his employees adhere to that.

Which of these is the real story of something happening at Sunday at 4? Well, they all sound totally implausible. And as much as I would like to have lunch, I think I'm going to go with Amy's church service. You're going to go with Amy's church service, the 4 p.m. church service for people who need to sleep it off. The audience seems to agree. All right, well, we spoke to someone familiar with the real story to bring you the correct answer. St. Gabriel's has added an additional 4 o'clock in the evening service

to reach out and serve others, even those who've been over-served the night before. That was the Reverend Canon Lisa Hackney-James, the sub-dean at St. James Cathedral here in Chicago talking about the 4pm hungover church service. Congratulations, Karen. You got it right. Well done. Thank you.

Earned a point for Amy. You've won our prize. The voice of your choice and your voicemail. Congratulations. Thank you so much. It was really fun. It was fun to talk to you. Take care. And now the game where we reward people who've already won a lot of awards. Speaking of which, Tracy Letts has won awards both for playwriting and acting. His plays include August, Osage County, Killer Joe, and The Minutes, which is coming to Broadway, with him, Blair Brown, and Armie Hammer in the cast.

He is also, we are confident, the only person in the Festivus episode of Seinfeld who has won a Pulitzer Prize. Tracy Latz, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to have you. Even though I can go on and on about your plays that you've written,

you're also a pretty accomplished actor. And for our radio audience, is there something that you are most well-known for, that people recognize you for mostly? A lot of salesmen in airports seem to recognize me from Homeland. I find that a lot of those people are Homeland watchers. Salesmen in airports. Yes, so I get a lot of that.

Certainly the Festivus episode, though I don't much look like I did when I was in the Festivus episode. Which of us does? Exactly. And then these days, Ford versus Ferrari and Little Women are, you know, people are seeing those movies.

Yeah, which is really exciting. Yeah. Now, this may change with the minutes coming to Broadway, but your most, I think, famous play was August, Osage County, which won a Pulitzer Prize back in 2008. It is the greatest dysfunctional family play ever written. It's amazing, but it is, I am told, quite autobiographical. It is, yeah.

My grandfather committed suicide when I was 10 years old, and my grandmother, after that event, descended into years of downer addiction. Yeah. And that was the basis for the play, a subject that had been with me and part of my life for a very long time. What was very scary to find out was upon writing the play and putting it in front of an audience that apparently everybody in the audience had had the exact same experience.

Yeah. Did other members of your family who you grew up with see the play and comment upon it? Oh, yeah. In fact, there's a story in the play about a stepfather slash uncle who beats a member of the family with a claw hammer. And I remember the relative in their 70s at the time they saw the show saying to me afterwards, how did you know the claw hammer story? And I said, well, I don't know. It had just been passed around. And somebody said, that happened to you? And he said, oh, yeah, it happened to me.

Damn near killed me. Wow. So nobody got mad at you for airing out the family laundry? You know, it's amazing. People like seeing themselves represented on stage. I guess so. They're bragging. You know, that character that everyone hates, that was me.

That was me. I don't want to go on too much about it, because people may not know the play, but the grandmother character in the play is truly one of the great... I don't know whether the word villain is right, but she's this monstrous person who takes pleasure in just destroying everybody she talks to. Yeah, that's my grandmother. My mom, when she read the play, and she was one of the first people ever to read it, I knew it was very tough speaking about her mother. And I was a

little fearful of what her reaction would be. And the first thing my mom said to me was, you've been very kind. But you're also an actor, of course. You've always been one, right? That was your first career. That's what you started doing. It's kind of hard to know where one started and the other began. They've always kind of been on parallel tracks. I think I got a little more traction as an actor before I got a little traction as a playwright. But then I would focus on being a playwright for a while and then an acting gig would come up. There's no plan. There's never been any plan. Right. When you're on a set working in commercial stuff, TV movies, do you ever

have the temptation to go talk to the writer and maybe make a suggestion and say, well, you know, I understand you want to do it this way, but my Pulitzer suggests an alternative. I don't, and I'm told later on by some of the writers on staff that they were nervous about the fact that I was there, but I don't know. I've done the acting

side of it for so long that I... Who would want to hire me if I was going to show up? That's true. That's true, yeah. Kind of obnoxious. And you have two movies nominated for Best Picture. You're in Ford vs. Ferrari and Little Women. Yeah, I don't know how that happened.

Really? I got very lucky. You're the secret sauce. That's what it is, I guess. I have one more question for you. You've spent your entire professional life mostly in the theater. Your wife is in the theater. Your wife is in the theater. Your friends are in the theater.

Your collaborator is in the theater. You go to see your friends' plays. What do you do, sir, when they are bad? I lie. Do you really? You go straight for the lie. I lie, and I lie well. Really?

I lie really well. And I want everybody to lie well when they see my plays and they don't lie. I think we should all get a lot better at that. Because we're very good at it, if you think about it, in our day-to-day life. We lie all the time. And yet there are times when we see somebody's play, I was like, well, I have to be true to myself. I can't possibly

lie to this person. Well, yes, you can. You just look them in the eye and you say, that was fantastic. That was extraordinary. I'll never forget. Well, Tracy Letts, it is a pleasure to talk to you. We've invited you here to play a game we're calling...

Tracy Letts? Tracy Letts Not. Sometimes it is wiser not to do something. We're going to ask you three questions about warnings given to people. Answer two correctly, and you'll win a prize for our listener, the voice of your choice for your voicemail. Bill, who is Tracy Letts playing for?

Elizabeth Cook of Kissimmee, Florida. All right. You ready to do this? What if I knew her? Wouldn't that be strange if I knew her and I had some grudge against Elizabeth Cook of Kissimmee, Florida? Take it. Well, it'd be awkward, but then again, it'd also be your next play.

All right, you ready to do this? Yes. All right, first question. Foreign countries often issue travel warnings to people coming to the United States. Switzerland tells its citizens not to do what when they come here? A, say anything negative about Star Wars. B, pee in the street, or C, go anywhere near Swiss Miss hot chocolate?

Pee in the street. You're exactly right. Have you traveled the world and seen sophisticated Europeans peeing in the street and knowing that that's what they do? I've seen all manner of people peeing in the street and knowing that that's what they do? I've seen all manner of people peeing in the street. Yes. But that's so weird

because, first of all, how often do people... Apparently, the Swiss feel that we are touchy about this. Oh, it's... It must have happened enough that, like, Swiss citizens went back and were like,

why didn't anyone tell me? Exactly. If you don't want me to do it, you have to specifically say, do not pee in the street. All right. That's very good. You were very confident on that. Next question.

When winds of 60 miles an hour hit Toledo last February, the National Weather Service released an advisory warning people to use caution while doing what? A, walking small dogs who might blow away. B, wearing nun's wimples. Or C. Standing upright instead of the recommended crawling along the ground. I'll go with the small animals. The dogs. Yes, you're right. Last February, the good people of Northern Ohio got a small dog warning,

the first ever from the National Weather Service in Cleveland. You also should not pee in the street. Exactly. That's, oh, yes. Here's your last question. You're really rocking through this. Back in the 90s, advisory stickers were one way for parents, no, not to let kids listen to certain albums,

and one of the first records to ever receive one of those stickers was which of these? A, Frank Zappa's Jazz from Hell, an album of completely instrumental music. B, brought to you by the letter F, it's Sesame Street's F the Police. Or C, David Lee Roth sings Sondheim. Frank Zappaappa instrumental music. You're exactly right, Tracy. The album had no lyrics at all, but one of the tracks was called G-Spot Tornado,

so you know. You have to protect the kids. Bill, how did Tracy Letts do on our quiz? He did great. Very few people get them all right. And you just did to win. Congratulations. Thanks.

Three. Three of those. Thanks. So you've got a Pulitzer. You've got a Tony. How does this feel in comparison? It feels really good. I feel really good.

I feel really, really good. Peter. Peter. Such a good liar. And in fact, I'd like to thank a feel really, really good. Peter. Such a good liar. And in fact, I'd like to thank a few people for my appearance here tonight. I believe you. Tracy Letts is an actor and Pulitzer Prize winning playwright.

His play, The Minutes, opens at the Court Theatre on Broadway on March 15th. Tracy Letts, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Thank you. Court Theatre on Broadway on March 15th. Tracy Letts, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Let's do it all again and again. In just a minute, Bill turns up the pit bull, but not Cat Stevens in the Listener Limerick Challenge.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Please don't let it end. Support for this podcast and the following message come from the American Jewish World Service. Working together for more than 30 years to build a more just and equitable world. Learn more at AJWS.org. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Hari Kondabolu, Peter Gross, and Amy Dickinson. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute,

Captain Bill's violating the rhyme directive in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Amy, a new study finds that if you're lonely, the cause may not be that

you're single. It could be that you're just, what? Married Said with wisdom, sadness, and experience Depressed, Peter No, not that It's not that obvious I'll give you a hint I was so lonely before I met blankie

Cold Yes, cold So if you're feeling lonely It's not that obvious. I'll give you a hint. I was so lonely before I met blankie. Cold. Yes. Cold. So if you're feeling lonely, put away that cold pint of ice cream and pick up a hot pint of pizza. That is so stupid. Well, apparently there is a correlation between feeling isolated and feeling physically cold. Changes in temperature affect our sense of community. So if you're feeling lonely, skip the soul-shattering process of dating.

Don't settle for a garbage person. Just move to Phoenix. That is such bull. It's so stupid. I have been lonely in so many climates. That is absolutely... You're telling me it's body heat? The fact that there's no particular...

I don't know if body heat is why you want other people, but there's a psychological correlation. I feel like they're just promoting more nude cooking. I love when studies come up and people yell at you like it's all your idea. Peter, no, that's not possible. No, no. Hari, some good news for aspiring writers in Hollywood. More and more people in the film industry are hiring people to write what? Depositions?

Screenplays? No. I'll give you a hint. One of the big problems they solve is do you thank your agent before or after you thank God? Their award speeches. Yes, their acceptance speeches. Brad Pitt is just one of the many stars who has hired a writer for his acceptance speeches.

This seems bad, but on the other hand, it's basically the only way a person of color could get to write an Oscar speech this year. Shut up! He's right! Is it like ghostwriting a book? Like you just share everything, and then they make your nonsense thoughts

Coge it Presumably, yeah That would be how it works I mean, it's a bad idea When the guy doesn't know you Because like, for example One of Brad Pitt's speeches began I haven't seen Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

But I understand it's quite good Or if it's old And then of course last year He just completely plagiarized Michelle Obama's acceptance speech Amy, after a guide was published online last week, Americans huttly debated the correct way to do what. A guide?

What room does this activity take place in? It takes place in the bedroom, Amy. What happens in the bedroom? Just the most obvious thing that happens in the bedroom. Sexing. Sexing? Sleeping! Sleeping, yes!

Sexing. We're going to talk about sleeping, and then we're going to double back and talk about whatever sexing is. Last week, somebody posted an online guide to sleeping positions showing the 18 possibilities. There are 18 possibilities. From back to side to what could best be described as a kind of face-down ostrich. This sounds like the most boring Kama Sutra book in the world.

It really does. Experts say that most adults sleep in the fetal position on the side with the knees tucked. However, most adults in relationships sleep in the I can't feel my arms position. That's true. I do. I find every single night that I go to sleep one way, and I wake up in another position, and I'm like, how did

I get here? Like I've been transported to some different magical island. Is it a different house? Sometimes it is. I do. I fall asleep on my back. I it a different house? Sometimes it is. I do. I fall asleep on my back. I put my pillow. This is very interesting to everybody.

I put my pillows like around my, surround my head with pillows and I just like doze off very well. And then I wake up like a murder scene. Like I'm all over the place. I must do some insane stuff in my sleep. Wow. Including snoring, which my wife tells me like every night you snore, I come in and I have to push you out of the position of being on

your back. Cause when you're in your back, that's like prime snoring position. But I find it very relaxing to fall asleep that way. And she always falls asleep after me. So she'll walk in. Apparently every night this happens and it's like, Hey, you're snoring. And, like, hits me to move me. So, actually, I do know how I move. Yeah. I just figured it out. You sleep on your side, but not voluntarily.

I just figured this out. I just figured it out. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org.

There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And our upcoming show on March 12th in Atlanta, Georgia at the Fox Theater. And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Week, check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with Bill and me asking you questions all in the comfort of your home. It's just like this radio show, only now we can hear you. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, my name is Holly. I'm calling from Boulder, Colorado.

Ah, Boulder is one of my favorite places. How were you lucky enough to end up there? I just wanted to live here, so I moved. You just did it. You just got up. I didn't know that was possible. Holly makes it sound very easy. Right, so you just picked up your life and just moved to Boulder, did you have a job, or just went? I just went and I rented a place on the fly and slept on the floor and now things are better.

So you just picked up and moved, and then you went to a place and you didn't even have a... Are you in witness protection? Well, welcome to the show, Holly. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each.

If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly and just two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? Yes, sir. All right, let's hear your first limerick. Since death doesn't come all that often, its costs our new kit tries to soften. A box and a dirn, and a hex wrench to turn.

Our kit lets you build your own. Coffins! Yes, there you go! DIY projects are all the rage, although in this case, DIY is just an alternative spelling for die. More and more people are choosing to make their own coffins rather than shell out big bucks to big death. Think of it as making a birdhouse,

but this time you're the bird and you're dead. A company in Japan is helping people make their own coffins, lowering the cost of funeral planning, but what if you're not handy? What if it falls apart? Just make sure you're buried with an Allen wrench. Right now the kits are only available in Japan.

You have to assume that IKEA will get in on this trend. Build-it-yourself coffins, though pick your burial plot carefully, because an IKEA coffin will not survive a move. Here is your next limerick. For coffee, we're not depraved schemers. The flavors we crave make us dreamers beyond almond and oats let's try peeps root beer floats we love to explore flavored peanut no although flavored peanuts would be a delightful thing

there was a clue in the first line, which was for coffee. And then it rhymes with schemers. Schemers? Non-dairy... Creamers? Yeah! According to the Wall Street Journal, sales of flavored liquid coffee creamers rose 9% last year. Much of that can be credited to new, even sweeter flavors like Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and Funfetti. Funfetti.

No, you know how it is. Don't talk to me in the morning until I've had my diabetes. By the way, the technical term for these products is oil based creamers. That's right. They're made with oil. Sweet, light, crude. Naturally.

Other flavors include cinnamon roll, almond joy, and sugar cookie. You know, it's like, I like my coffee like I like my men. Really disappointing. Here, Holly, is your last limerick. Well, I might go out for a jog. My furry friend sleeps like a log. I will play him some songs saying,

I won't be long from a playlist that's made for my dog. Yes, dog! Dog it is! Spotify is now making music playlists for dogs.

But really, why ruin dogs by making them music snobs, too? Wait, what are the songs? Like, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Actually, it is. These playlists have music that dogs are presumed to like, and it also has human voices saying nice, pleasant things to them to play, you know, while you're not at home.

I mean, it could backfire. It's like, play Who Let the Dogs Out? No one, that's who. That's why I peed in the carpet. I mean, this makes sense. It is called Spotify. All right. Bill, how did Holly do in our quiz? Holly got them all right. Three, zero.

Congratulations, Holly. Thank you so much for playing. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores at this point? You're not going to believe this.

Peter and Hari have two each, and Amy has four. Oh, my gosh. I do believe that. I believe that. Not possible. I believe it. All right, we we flipped a coin, and Hari has elected to go first.

Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Blank was the only member of the GOP to vote guilty in Trump's impeachment trial. Mitt Romney. Right. A new report shows that Illinois sold almost $40 million of legal blank in January. Cheese.

No. Weed. On Thursday, prosecutors rested their case against disgraced movie producer Blank. Harvey Weinstein. Right. This week, authorities in Tennessee arrested a loan officer named Blank for stealing over $50,000 in customer payments. Thievery.

No, her name was Sarah Swindle. On Wednesday, Ponzi scheme mastermind Blank requested an early medical release from prison. Bernie Madoff. Yes. A man in Utah is facing criminal charges after he was caught blanking to get free hotel rooms. Stealing. No. He got free hotel rooms by releasing rats in the rooms and then complaining.

Police have confirmed that the man executed the scam at at least three hotels, but say it's likely he pulled it off at many more. He's been charged with misdemeanor fraud and felony, having a really good idea. Bill, how did Hari do on our quiz? Hari got three right, six more points, total of eight. Puts him in the lead. All right, very good. Peter, you're up next.

Okay. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, China announced they were relaxing blanks on $75 billion of U.S. products. Tariffs? Right. On Wednesday, warehouse workers for online giant blank called on the company to improve working conditions. Amazon? Right.

This week, a cruise ship in Japan had to be quarantined after an outbreak of blank on board. Old people. Coronavirus. Oh, right, of course. Citing flagging sales, department store giant Blank announced it was closing 125 stores over the next three years. Gimbals?

No, Macy's. Macy's. Following his poor showing in Iowa, entrepreneur Blank laid off dozens of presidential campaign staffers. Steyer? No, Andrew Yang. On Thursday, astronaut Christina Koch

returned to Earth after a record 328 days aboard the Blank. Uh, space station. Yeah aboard the blank. Space station. Yeah, the ISS. This week, two men were arrested after police discovered a bag full of drugs labeled blank. Drugs. Not drugs, in quotes. You were so close, but it was the bags were labeled bag full of drugs.

That's like a half point. Do we have half points on this show? The two men were pulled over for speeding, and officers knew something was up when they both seemed incredibly nervous for a routine traffic stop. Oh, and also, one of them was holding a personalized tote bag

with Bag Full of Drugs printed on it. Apparently, that's what you get when you pledge a dollar a day to your local public food dealer. Do they have the memento disease where they have to, like, tattoo everything on everything? Bill, how did Peter do in our quiz? Four right, eight more points, total of ten. He moves into the lead.

All right, so how many then does Amy need to take this away from them? Amy needs three to tie, four to win. All right, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Sunday, the Arab League rejected President Trump's peace plan for blank. The Middle East. Right. Just before his impeachment vote, blank's approval ratings reached an all-time high.

Donald Trump. Right. In retaliation over the city's refugee policies, the Trump administration announced it would no longer let residents of blank enroll in trusted traveler programs. New York City. Right. New York State. New York State.

That's what I'm going to give it to you. blank enroll in trusted traveler programs? New York City. Right, New York State. New York State. On Sunday, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers for their first blank win in 50 years. Super Bowl. Right. Best known for his roles in Spartacus and Lust for Life, Oscar winner blank passed away at 103. 103. Kirk Douglas.

Yes. The Tennessee State Legislature made news this week when the legislator was seen drinking blank on the House floor. Is it a bourbon instead of whiskey? No, no. He was seen drinking chocolate syrup straight from the Hershey's bottle. Respect. Where are they on the whole pot legalization thing?

They are not there yet. They're not there yet. Representative Kent Calfee was waiting for a speech to start, They are not there yet. They're not there. They're not there yet. Okay. Representative Kent Calfee was waiting for a speech to start, and he was photographed just in the act of taking a big old swig from one of those plastic Hershey's chocolate

syrup bottles. Is that the one where you have to squeeze it? Oh. Yeah. Now, he insists he was not trying to acquire adult onset by diabetes. He was just super cheap. He says he uses the used and empty Hershey bottle as a water bottle. He said, quote, I'm not going to buy like a $45 water bottle because I'll probably put it down and leave it somewhere.

Then he adjusted the barrel he was wearing and went back to work. Wow. That's amazing. Yosemite Sam was like, that guy is pretty embarrassing for the sound. That's ridiculous. Bill, did Amy do well enough to win? Well, she did very well. It's a close game this week.

She got five right, ten more points, and the total of fourteen puts her in the winner's circle. Congratulations! In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists after cooking what will be the next naked activity that will take the nation by storm. Wait, wait, don't tell them.

He's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy.

BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills. Miles Dornbos and Lillian King are contributing writers this month. Our Fumi Abe and Mike Nguyen. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog.

And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now panel, what will be the next popular activity for nudists? Hari Kondabulu. Nude voting. Get ready for democracy to screw you. Amy Dickinson. I'm going for archery. Nude archery.

Why not? And Peter Gross. Naked caucus vote tabulating. That way no one has pants and no one has cell phones so there's no app so there will be no embarrassing debacles. Well, if naked

people do any of those things, we're going to ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Hardy Kondabulu, Amy Dickinson, and Peter Gross. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peter Sagal. We will see you next week. Thank you.

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