Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Trade wars, what are they good for?

Episode Date: August 29, 2026

This week, magician Carisa Hendrix joins panelists Peter Grosz, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, and Tig Notaro to talk fire-eating, drag, and cheetos.Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include bonus episodes, the chance to be a contestant in those bonus episodes(!), and sponsor-free listening. Learn more at plus.npr.org.See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR quiz. I'm the number one pick in your fantasy NPR draft, Alzo Slade. And here's your host at the Studio Baker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Alzo. Thank you, everybody. Great to be back with you. Great to see you. Thank you so much. Hey, before we get started, we just want to pay tribute to the great dollar.

pardon, who we lost this week all week. Yeah, you feel the same. And as I'm sure you've seen, all week people have been coming forward with stories we didn't know about her incredible generosity. She gave to disaster relief. She started literacy campaigns. In fact, when you put

on your winter coat for the first time in a month or so and find $20 in the pocket, turns out she put that there. Later on, we're going to be talking to magician Carissa Hendrix, better known as her alter ego, Lucy, darling, but right now it's your turn to call in and play our games. The number is 1-3-8-8-8-8-2-4. That's 1-88-9-24. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi,

right, wait, wait, don't tell me. Hello, Peter. My name is Francis, and I am from Trouttale, Oregon. Troutdale, Oregon? Yeah. We have people who presume to know Troutdale. I myself don't believe them. What do you do in Troutdale? Right now, I help take care of people that need help. Basically, as my manager describes it, I take a bunch of old men on bad dates just to make sure they get out of the house. Oh, wow. So you pick up old men in their...

Wait a minute. Hold on. All right. You pick them up in your car and you transport them, is what I'm trying to say. Well, welcome to the show, Francis. says, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian whose album, Yell Joy, is available on blonde medicine. It's Jol Nicole Johnson.

Hello. Hello. Next, an actor and writer who could be seen in the acclaimed improv show, Two Square at UCB, New York, and September 23rd, is Peter Gross. Hi. Hi, Peter. And her podcast is handsome. And you can see her perform in Rochester, New York on August 29th,

and up in Calgary, Canada on August 30th, it's TIG Nataro. Hello, Tig. Hello, sir. So, Francis, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Alzo? This time, Alzo Slade is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from the show you might choose for your voice smell.

You ready to go? I am ready. All right. Here's your first quote. It's Canadian politician, Doug Ford, reacting to someone who put a 50% tariff on everything his country exports. he can kiss my ass who started a trade war with Canada this week

I believe it's Donald Trump yes Donald Trump President Trump did that after the U.S. launched massive tariffs against Canada last week Canada fought back with massive tariffs of their own it looks to be a prolonged fight

but it was a nice moment of diplomacy when Trump repeated all his dumb threats in French for the Quebec Kwah community. Are you going to rally to the cause guys and get domestic maple syrup? If that's what it takes. Really?

You're willing to make any sacrifice. Absolutely. It might be a nice time for bootlegging again, though. Really? It'd be nice to see that comeback, right? That was really fun during Prohibition. No offense to people in Vermont

or other places where there's maple syrup, but I'm just in it for the smuggling. I don't really care what I'm smuggling. You're going to get angry emails for sure. Yeah, definitely. No, I mean, we joke, but Americans are about to find out how much stuff is made in Canada when the price skyrockets, cars, dishwashers, toilet paper.

What? And that's bad because without toilet paper, my backup plan was the dishwasher. It's almost the NHL season, too. Are they like a hockey player not allowed to come down to the United States? Terrible. It had to leave them at the border. I don't know. I mean, and it doesn't make any sense because Trump,

Trump first said the tariffs were about Canada's discriminatory trade practices, and then it was about their unfair labor laws. Now he says it's about stopping Canada from getting a nuclear weapon. It's weird because I can't imagine maple syrup being any more expensive. Like, has anybody purchased fresh maple syrup? It costs as much as a car. It's true. What kind of car are you buying? She buys expensive syrup and cheap cars.

Right in the middle. Now, Canada, as you heard, that was Doug Ford, the Premier of Ontario, and as you heard, they're being rather defiant, so Trump got mad, and this week issued an executive order to rename Lake Ontario, Lake America. Oh, yeah. Well, wait a minute. No, guys, to be honest, to be fair, Lake America, sounds like a great place to get on your pontoon book, drink about 50 beers.

It also sounds like a place you go to die. Lake America. Yeah, because there's a lake. What's that Lake Alzo in Georgia that everybody keep dying in? Lake America? Lake Ramirez. It's Lake Renier. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every year a bunch of white people go to Lake Lanier, you never hear from them again. And black people keep telling y'all to stop going to Lake Lanier. So I'm not going to Lake Lanier or Lake America. I mean, it was a little bit of a low blow in Canada. decided to get back at us by calling that thing that poops all over your local park an America goose. All right, your next quote is a customer watching her Amazon package get delivered. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. She was watching as the package was dropped into a swimming pool by a what? I think I'm going to need a hint. Well, if it's dropped from a height, it has to be being delivered by something.

in the air, what would that be? Oh, a drone. A drone, yes, Amazon announced, give it up for Francis, Amazon announced that it is expanding its drone aerial delivery service to 500 American cities, and America's new favorite pastime is watching videos of the drones completely screwing it up. They're dropping packages in pools, in ponds in the middle of the street. So far, nobody has been. hurt, but you can always order a bowling ball for your enemy and hope for the best. Yeah, what about all the delivery people who are people who usually deliver the packages? They're going to do what now?

Just job-wise, what are they going to do now? Imagine, though, probably the way these things work is they have to follow the drones around and pick up the packages in the street, and the pool and the gutter. Well, you know, somebody's going to jailbreak one of the drones, and it's like, yo, I got three drones for sale. They're going to be going to the barbershops and the beauty shops. You want a drone? Is that an Amazon? No, no, no, no, no.

No, this is a Damazon. Can you buy a drone from Amazon? That would be funny if a drone brought a drone. That's what I was just thinking. It would be impossible, I guess. Yeah. Why not? And then while it's flying, it's like saying to the other drone, this is so weird. All right, Francis, here is your last

quote. It's good for the planet, if I skip the Sabbath. That was a commenter in the Washington Post talking about their opinion that what common food might not actually be good for us. Oh, I mean, first I want to go for lettuce. Yes, it's lettuce, yes. We've been talking about lettuce and why we shouldn't eat it. Apparently, even when it's not diseased, we shouldn't eat it.

The Washington Post says it's time for us to stop eating lettuce because it's wasteful and actually has no nutritional value. experts claim that most of the time lettuce is just a delivery method for dressing. That's obviously not true. Sometimes there's bacon. And the nutritionist says the problem with lettuce is that it's mostly water. Meanwhile, Taylor Farms is like, yeah, water. That's the problem with lettuce.

It's mostly water, and the rest is poop. But a lot of things are mostly water. Celery is mostly water. Right. Like cucumber is mostly water. Humans are mostly water. I eat humans all the time. Is there going to be another way that people can

ingest ranch dressing? Just chuck it from the bottle, I guess. I mean, the nutritionist who's making this case says the solution is simple. Just swap lettuce, which has no nutritional value, for lentils. What? Lentles.

It's not the same thing. Nobody wants a BLT where the L is a lentil. Was he just doing this alphabetically? Pretty much. Lentils apparently are good for you. Yeah. They have a lot of fiber, so you'll still spend an hour in the toilet, but for a good reason. High protein.

High protein? Yeah. You like your lentils. I love my lentils. You're a vegan, right? I am, but I didn't want to announce it public. I like to choose when I corner people and tell them all about it. Also, how did Francis do in our quiz?

Perfect score, three out of three. Well done, Francis. Thank you. Thanks for calling, and thanks for that good work you do. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Joyel, when Universal Studios in Southern California built a new state-of-the-art roller coaster, they promised all the people who lived nearby that it was engineered to be nearly silent. And it is.

But the neighbors say the park did not account for what specific noise. People screaming? Exactly right. The engineers. The engineers who built the new fast and furious coaster at Universal Studios eliminated the clatter of the wheels and the whining of the motor, but they forgot about the... A. ...of the customers. So now every 30 seconds, neighbors say the air is filled with people screaming in terror.

With no context. Yeah. With no rollercoaster sound to make it make sense. Yeah. And the Universal Studios is getting nowhere with a sign they put up saying, keep your hands inside the car. and your emotions inside your body. They're going to need other solutions, like gag the passengers,

or every car comes equipped with a stern librarian. Shhh. Shhh. Now all I hear is shushing. This neighborhood sucks. First of the screaming, now it's shushing. That's even worse. Coming up, power corrupts,

but power also needs a friend. in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-8 Wait-W-W-A-W-W-T-W-T-L-W-T-L-L-M-Tel-Me. From NPR. From NPR. From NPR, and W-B-E-Z Chicago, this is Wait-W-W-T-W-Tel Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Al-LASO, SLAID.

I'm Al-SLAID. Peter Gross and Joyelle-N-N-KOLN-L-L-LINSON. And here again is your host at the Student-Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Al-A, thank you so much. Right now, it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, Bluff the Listener-LINER game, call 1-3-8. Wait, Wait, to play our game in the air. How you were on? Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, this is Casey from Pittsburgh. Hey, I love Pittsburgh. What do you do there?

I work in the arts, and my staff and I are trying to raise a four-year-old. Okay. Good luck. I recommend watering them twice a day. We're trying. We're trying. We did almost give birth to him at the Philly 2021 show that you guys did. Oh, wow. When we were in Philadelphia, oh, yeah, that was one of the first shows we did out of the pandemic, and you were there, like, very pregnant? Yeah, yeah, and then I had to leave early and tried to get back to the car, which was, like, five miles away. Oh, my God.

Great. Did you give birth on the way? I did not, luckily. Well, it's nice to have you with this, Casey. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Alzo, what is Casey's topic? Everybody needs somebody. This week, someone in power revealed a secret relationship, but thankfully, this one makes you say,

huh, rather than, ooh. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to apply? Yeah. All right. First, let's hear from Jail Nicole Johnson.

The town of Bantry in County Cork, Ireland, is beautifully benign. It's a sleepy seaside village without enough gaze for grinder. The police don't even carry guns. Gasps an American. Consequently, the police superintendent, Cornelius Crowley, is bored. He walks the entirety. of the tiny town daily in search of crime, but it wasn't until his herring sandwich went missing one afternoon that he had a thief in his midst. When he identified the culprit as a local

seagull, he became obsessed with investigating seagull crimes. One particular seagull has drawn the most of his ire, a sturdy lad. His name is Carl. Cornelius claims Carl is a menace to society, but his family ain't sure. I'm pretty sure he loves that bird, commented his wife, who has listened to hours of Cornelius complaining about Carl. His coworkers claim that his relationship with Carl has given him a, quote, new lease on life and a sparkle in his eye. One shop owner who watched Cornelius track Carl for an entire day commented is just like Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones in the fugitive. At a certain point, it's like, guys, y'all should kiss. Cornelius and Carl will continue to be Bantry's odd couple, which truly gives a new meaning to the phrase, no harm, no foul.

The superintendent of a small town in Ireland becomes obsessed with his nemesis, Carl the Seagull, your next story of a covert connection comes from Peter Gross. Famous Dutch boarding school, Rotterdam Preparatory Academy, was rocked by scandal this week when the headmaster Jan von Oman revealed that his trusted advisor, Sophie, is actually a chalkboard eraser. 20 years ago, when von Oman was a math teacher, he was working on a complex math problem on a massive chalkboard. Think a beautiful mind or someone trying to try and,

to count all of Elon Musk's children. His eraser slipped and erased part of his calculations. He was horrified until he realized that what got erased was actually a mistake that was preventing him from solving the problem. And from that point on, the eraser who he named Sophie, after an ex-girlfriend who never believed in him, never left his side. When Jan was promoted to headmaster, he asked if he could have his advisor, Sophie, on the payroll. They wanted to keep me happy, so they said yes, Von Oman told the website, Holland today.

It's not like I lied. No one specifically asked me if Sophie was a person. His secret was discovered this week when a student asked to meet the famous Sophie, and von Omen opened a desk drawer to reveal an eraser with googly eyes and a tiny blonde wig, saying, here you are the first person to meet my beautiful Sophie, and now that I'm doing this, I'm realizing this is quite insane and I'm going to be fired. A Dutch headmaster reveals an intense relationship with a chalkboard eraser. Your last story of a furtive friend comes from Tignitaro.

Sana'e Takahichi, the Prime Minister of Japan, is known for working on weekends and only sleeping three hours a night. So sounds like a very diligent bummer. She admitted this week that while the long hours have gotten a little lonely, she's recently made a new friend, the cockroach living in her house. In a story that makes you think, hmm, maybe three hours. hours of sleep isn't enough. The prime minister took to social media

to explain how she came across her tiny disgusting friend and screamed at first. The start of any good relationship. I mean, I get it. Who doesn't want a friend who skitters around and eats all your garbage and

secretly has hundreds of more friends hiding nearby? Her staffers had the cockroach remove because it was a cockroach. She says, quote, I felt relieved, but also a little lonely or maybe sad. I wish her well and recommend maybe getting a dog and a life. All right, so one of these people in authority turned out to have an interesting relationship that we had not known about.

Was it from Jail Nicole Johnson, a police superintendent in Ireland, who has an obsession with the seagull named Carl from Peter Gross, the headmaster of a school in Holland who revealed that their closest advisor was a chalkboard eraser or from TIG Nataro. The Prime Minister of Japan had a beautiful, if brief, relationship with a cockroach in her official residence. Which of these was the real story we found in the news? I am going to go with TIG's story about the cockroach. You're going to go with TIG's story about the Japanese Prime Minister and their tiny little now-dead pet. All right.

Well, to bring you the real story, we spoke to an expert. That does not make sense to an exterminator's mind. Cockroaches, I've been known to spread diseases. That was Tony Hernandez, exterminator and manager at Pest Control, Chicago, who we called to get an opinion about the Japanese Prime Minister and her late roach. Congratulations, Casey, you got it right. You're into point for TIG, something for telling the truth. You won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail.

Thank you so much for playing with us today. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good friends. Going to get you through the days. When you're running out a waste, make you do this world. Going to get you through the day. And now the game is called Not My Job. Carissa Hendricks has done about everything one can do

as a circus artist and as a performer, including, and this is true, setting the world record for holding a lit torch in their mouth. But it was when they put on a beehive wig and a cocktail dress and became magician Lucy Darling that they took the internet and now the world by storm. Carissa Hendricks, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Chris, I feel we need to start with a question that's on everybody's mind right now. How long did you have to hold a flaming torch in your mouth to set the record?

So I set the new record at two minutes on one second, which is embarrassing because the old record was only one minute and 32. seconds, so I hurt myself longer than was necessary. Marco Frigati, who was the official from Guinness, he was supposed to be counting down my time so that I wouldn't do more than I absolutely needed to. But at about 50 seconds, he stopped counting, so I just kept going and was able to push through the record, although I watched it. It was done on an Italian TV show called Las Choda Record, and I watched about six months later.

I had spent six months just being so mad at him for not giving me this, like, any, anchor point, and I watched the episode, and he had counted the whole time. But it was so painful, my brain had blocked out all the noise. So I had been carrying around this absolutely unreasonable rage for this poor Italian man for six months. That seems, I understand. But he could have said something at a minute 33. Yeah, he could have waved his arms. What's the international symbol for take the fire out of your mouth? Does it hurt? Oh, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Here's the thing. If you're doing basic fire eating tricks,

there's a lot of science to it. The fire triangle, all you have to do is remove the spark, the oxygen, or the fuel, and if your mouth, you can close it around a torch and you basically snuff the fire out. And if you're doing it correctly, you can do without injuring yourself. Except if you're trying to beat a world record, then there's basically no way to do that without injuring yourself. My teeth heated up so much that the bone inside was hot enough to burn

the space between my teeth and my gums and my whole mouth swole up. But they gave me a metal, so it was... There you are, okay. I was, I was, I was, I'm still confused. A metal, a metal, meaning a metal bone to replace what? So you don't get paid anything

to break the world record? No, no, it's just about the glory. Yeah. Has your record been broken? Has anybody else, like, risen up to challenge you? I have not had the desire to Google it. I don't want to know, but also if somebody beats it, they can have it. I know that you studied circus and all kinds of other things.

Do you have any other amazing skills that we may not know about? I was an acrobat for a while. My favorite weird thing I ever did was I didn't act years. and years ago where I would hold on, like I'd be suspended by an aerial rig and be hula hooping a fire hoop. So it would be like fire on a hoop while I was clenching fire torches in my toes. I only did that one summer because not only was it painful, but people didn't get it because of how it didn't make any sense. That's the problem with being a great artist like yourself.

People just don't understand what you're trying to say. You had a message and the message was, I am on fire. Nobody understood. They didn't get it. All right, magic. However, you can do all these things, but the thing that you have become extraordinarily well known for, or at least your dear friend Lucy Darling, has become remarkably well known for, is magic. And it's my understanding that you were performing in a variety of different guises or personas until Lucy arrived.

and can you tell me where Lucy came from? Absolutely. So I've been a huge fan of old Hollywood movies for a long time. You know, bringing a baby. What a way to go. Like watching old Zajajikabur movies and Mae West, I love these things. And I always had wanted to do something in that style.

And right before, the winter right before I started working on it was when Zajajikabur passed away. And it made me realize, oh, you know, this is the last of those women. those like effortless, clever, stunning, like, Bon vivant-style women from that era. And I just felt this, you know, I was compelled, you know, like this call to action. I refused to let that energy be gone from the world, even if it meant that I had to carry a tiny piece of it with me.

I'm carrying it, too. No. Zaza didn't kick you. She slapped you. So for anyone, for anyone who hasn't seen Lucy Darling, form, can you describe her? I can try. Lucy is sort of like a

1940s almost Loki-style character. She's a little evil. My favorite thing about doing Lucy is it's drag, but it is all the parts of drag that I love most, which are like the silly almost mean things where you sort of push the audience a little

bit. I really tried to create a character. that was like right on the line before you know it's drag. So it's deliberately a little bit ambiguous, where if you know it's drag, you're like, oh, that's drag. But if not, I can kind of trick people into not to going to see it who don't know that they like drag yet. Wow. You're like an entry level, you're like the first puff of a drug.

Exactly. You know what I like to think of myself as the Neil deGrasse Tyson of drag, you know? Yeah. All right. Well, this administration doesn't like you at all. No, no. And I'm Canadian, so it's even worse. Oh, no.

Yeah, next time. By the way, there's an extra 50% fee on any of my shows on the show. So, Carissa Hendrickson, it is a pleasure to talk to you. We've invited you here to play a game. We're calling, try eating this fire. Oh, no. You're a world record fire eater, so we thought we'd ask you about Flamen Hot Cheetos and other spicy snacks. Get two or three right.

You'll win our prize for our listeners. Also, who is Carissa Hendricks playing for? Ryan and Don Himmel of Windsor, California. All right. Ready to play? Here's your first question. I'm ready. In 2025, a Flamen Hot Cheeto that was shaped like the Pokemon character Charzard sold on eBay for almost $88,000.

but that story actually isn't as impressive as it might sound. Why? Is it because A, real Pokemon fans know it looks much more like a bulbosaur. B, eBay took a commission of $45,000 over 50% of the sale price, or C, that wasn't the highest price someone paid for a flaming hot Cheeto. Oh, my gosh. Okay, as somebody who is dealing a lot with ticketing fees right now, I want to say the fee one, but I also know,

people are terrible with money. So I'm going to say it's that somebody paid more for a Cheeto. That's right. In 2017, a Cheeto that looked like Harambe sold for just under $100,000. Proving your point, Carissa.

All right, here's your next question. Once you get used to flame in hot, you might want to up the ante, and Doritos is here for you with which of these. A, Doritos Rulet, a snack pack where one in six chips was painfully spicy. B, Dorado's Lyme and Lyme disease flavor. Or C, Doritos sharpened corners edition.

You know what? Based on the Doritos I've eaten, all three of those are correct. I'm going to go with the roulette one. You're right again, Carissa. You know what people want. They want a little danger in their snacking. And no Lyme disease. Right. No long does it. It was so much fun, apparently, a school in the U.K.

had to ban Dorito's roulette after it sent one kid to the hospital. Oh, you don't find that amusing. All right. Well, no, they're just shocked that's in the U.K. and not in America. Exactly, right. All right, here's your last question. We wouldn't have the flame in hot flavor if the Cheeto had never been invented. What happy accident led to the creation of the Cheeto? Was it, A, in the 1930s, a farmer was cleaning out a clogged animal feed grinder? And somehow the first ever Cheeto popped out.

B, a police station in Boston was using orange dust to do fingerprinting, and when they couldn't get it off, inspiration struck. Or C. in the 1970s, the CIA created it while attempting to develop something more addictive than heroin. I'm going to say trying to create something more addictive. No, it was actually the animal feed grinder. That's horrible. Presumably the guy was trying to clean out the grinder by feeding some like grains

or something through it and these little things popped out and he said, huh? And he ate it. And you know what? They still make it the old-fashioned way. They do. So just think about that, kids, when you're popping a cheetah in your mouth. Also, how did Carissa do in our quiz? They did enough. Two out of three is good for me.

Good for me as well. Carissa Hendrix is the award-winning magician behind the amazing and sophisticated Lucy Darling. You can see Carissa and Lucy on tour starting in September, Carissa Hendrix. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Telling. And say hello to Lucy, and I'll see her when she's here.

Bye-bye. Bye. In just a minute, just when you thought it was safe to go back to your hotel room. That's in our listener, Limerick Challenge. Call 1-8 Wait-W-A-W-W-W-T-W-T-W-T-Meyt to join us on air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait-W-W-W-E-D-TelMe from NPR. From NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Alzo Slade. We're playing this week with TIG Nataro, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host at the Studio Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you so much, Alzo. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. In just a minute, play the game Limerick fans everywhere call The Only Thing We Have Left. It's the listener Limerick Challenge.

If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-2-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-2-4. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. TIG, parents at a Kentucky middle school suspect that a map of the United States that was given to the students there might have been AI-generated after they noticed that what was incorrect? The shape. I'm going to give it to you because everything was incorrect. Kentucky, the state where the school is, was labeled,

Venecki. Louisiana was Lukong. South Carolina was Sorthquanto. Why do you need to AI generate a map? Aren't there places that just make maps that are not wrong? Or can't you just Google map of the United States? Look at it, make sure it's spelled right, and print it. But no, that's how it goes.

The map was part of a packet of materials given out to students, which also included an apparently AI-generated periodic table full of completely botched elements. Boy, stories like this are worth their weight in goreled. Peter, finally, there's something to take the stress out of getting you to know someone, a new app that will do what before a first date? Like, do a background check on somebody? Exactly right.

Background check. A new website will run a full background check on your date before you meet them. It's a great way to answer the question. Is he just being charmingly mysterious about his? past or does he have a bunch of DUIs? The site uses publicly available information to compile a comprehensive background check, which is what female

friends have literally been doing for years. I mean, don't even try this unless you can send me a screenshot of his homecoming date from 20 years ago, you amateurs. There should be something that's like, do you look like one of this person's exes? I feel like I've known a bunch of people recently

where, like, you see their new person and you're like, you look like one of their exes. Like this person has a type, like same height, hair, whatever it is. I would like to know if I was dating somebody. Like, am I just like a carbon copy of somebody that you've dated before? Would it bother you? I would feel like I was, like they weren't taking it seriously.

That they're just looking at their like, you look like, and ultimately it all goes back to like my dad. They're trying to perfect what they started. Come to the basement and be measured against the other specimens. I love it when they say to you, oh, honey, you're the best in the series. My prom date's father did that to me. Really? Yeah, I went to go pick her up and she was getting ready upstairs and he said,

son, I need to see your driver's license for a background check. And I just went down in a giggle and tried to come up thinking that he was joking. He wasn't joking at all. Not at all. Did you give him the driver's license? Absolutely. Yeah. But I was clean.

Yeah. How do you do a background check? Yeah. Was he in law enforcement? Yeah. He had homies in the department. He was one of those guys that new guys, that new guys. I was picturing just like a little machine where you...

Like at the airport? When your daughter turns 15, you'd run IDs. Here, look at it. Just looking at my phone, it'll scan your iris. Okay. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-8-8-8. Wait, that's 1, 888-9248-924.

You can come see us most weeks right here at the Studebaker Theater, and catch us in the road. We'll be at the Rose Music Center in Huber Heights, Ohio next week on September 3rd. You can check out our back-to-school special discounted tickets, and then in Omaha, Nebraska on September 24th, for tickets and information to all our live events. Go to npr.rrown.org. Hi, Iran. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, Peter. My name is Comey calling from Aurora, Colorado. I know Aurora, near Denver. We got an Aurora fan here.

And do you do all those Colorado things that everybody in Colorado does? You know, I don't actually because I'm a dad of two kids, so I don't have time. Really? So you're not out like hiking and adventuring? You're just home being a dad? Yes, exactly. I like to cook for my family. But hopefully when they're grown up, I will definitely do all that stuff with them.

That would be cool. Well, Comey, welcome to the show. Alzo Slade is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play? Here is your first limerick.

With this tissue, we might be rubbed raw. I think that's the plan's only flaw. Thank God it's not sticks or even worse bricks. They're making TP from straw? Yes. Straw. They're making toilet paper from straw. Great news.

Toilet paper just became ouchy. It's made from rice straw, which is a byproduct of growing rice. And this person knew that this stuff was just being burned. He's like, what can I do with it? And his mind went right to toilet paper, which tells you something about rice straw and that guy. Was it white or brown rice? Would it make a difference to you? Yeah, brown rice is tougher.

Yeah, it's true. And it's brown. Yeah. Anyway. Here is your next. Next limerick. Because floors hold more sludge than a tarpet, wall-to-wall shouldn't be on the market. When I walk in hotels, I will guard my feet well because icky germs dwell in the... Carpet.

Yes. Look, we all love hotel carpets. They're suspiciously sticky, rough in the perfect shade of blue-green, navy, black, brown beige. But according to a hotel-inspired... for AAA, there are also, quote, germ traps, bringing them into the same category as the hotel TV remote, the light switches, the bed spreads, the doorknobs, the coffee maker, the toilet seats,

the guy at the front desk, and that laminated card listing the TV channels, do not ask where that thing has been. You just named all the places that I eat off of it. I'll tell you. The expert says that even after housekeeping has cleaned the room, the carpets can contain so many mites or mold that you should never walk on them barefoot.

I haven't walked barefoot in 30 years. Really? Anywhere? No, no. I even wear flip-flops in the shower. Anyway. At home?

In your own shower? Guys, I don't need to be shamed again. All right, here is your last limerick. I ride up in a cart to tee off. Then I light a cigar with a cough.

To the greens I won't walk because my joints start to balk. It's not exercise. It's not exercise. is just golf? Yes, golf, the age-old debate of whether or not golf is exercise.

Resurface this week with experts declaring it's less beneficial if you use a cart. If you don't use a cart, golf can be good for you, you're walking a bit, you're outside, you're swinging a stick, that has to have some value. But if you use a golf cart, golf has the same

exercise value as, quote, darts or chair yoga, which is to say none, Wait, that means that miniature golf is better. Yes, miniature golf is better for you're walking around. Yeah. You're avoiding windmills. That's a lot of activity.

Yeah, and you have to hit the ball hard to get it up the windmill. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Also, how did Comey do in our quiz? He did great. He got three out of three. Perfect score. Well done, Comey.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Now on to our final game, Lightning, fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Also, can you give us the scores? Of course.

Joyel and Tig are tied at three and Peter has two. Okay. So Peter, you are in second place. Well, I just say last place. That's fine. Okay. Okay. Peter, you're losing. Yeah. So you're going to be up first. The clock will start when

begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, META agreed to an $18 billion settlement over accusations that blank is harmful to kids. Everything they do. Yeah, I'll give it to you. Social media.

On Monday, climate scientists reported that the world's blanks had hit their highest temperatures on record. Oceans? Yes. This week, the sister, a former Senator Lindsey Graham, won the GOP runoff election in blank.

South Carolina. Right. This week, a teacher in Atlanta went viral after revealing she had created a corner of her classroom where students can go and blank. Be dirty. Almost.

Fart. On Wednesday, medical officials warn that the blank outbreak in Congo may soon become the worst in history. Ebola. Right. One month before the start of fall, Starbucks announced the return of blank. Is it pumpkin something? Pumpkin spice. I'll give it to you. After a woman had a heart attack

and their parking lot of grocery store in Australia, blanked while she was recovering. They built a part of the grocery store around her. They did something around her. Nice of her. No, they ticketed her car for being parked in their lot overnight. The woman was shocked after she got out of the hospital to find an

$80 ticket on her car. Fortunately, when she reached out to explain to the grocery store that the reason her car had been parked there overnight was because she'd had a heart attack, they said, and this is totally true, quote, due to the circumstances. We were able to reduce the ticket to $30. Oh, my God. Also, how did Peter do in our quiz?

He got five right for 10 more points, total of 12, and the lead. The lead. I'm going to pick U.TIG to go next, so fill in the blank. Six years after leaving the country for the U.S., and blank have moved back to the U.K. Harry and Megan. That's right. This week, the trial for

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, one of the Architects of Blank, was scheduled for 2028. The Architects for Blank. Architects of Blank. Architects of Blank. It was bad. That's a clue.

There's so many bad. It's lightning. We move quickly here. I don't. 9-11. Yes. This week, rescue workers, are searching for survivors after a massive blank

hit the border of China and Nepal. Flood. Right. On Tuesday, health officials confirmed the U.S. had surpassed 2,700 cases of blank in 2026. Mazels. This week, a small airport in India, which has zero flights in or out of it, was named the country's blank.

Airport? No, it was named the country's best airport for customer satisfaction. On Monday, United announced they would leave blank open in the Economy Plus section of their new jet. middle seat. Exactly right.

This week, an Italian man who led well-reviewed tours of an ancient Greek ruins has been sent to jail when it was discovered that he had blanked. When they realized he had... Yes. Crimed. Not close enough. That he had built the ancient ruins himself. That is a crime.

It is a crime. The man charged around $60 a person to tour this ancient Greek amphitheater that was behind his property, but people on the tour started noticing. some inconsistencies like his claim that the site had been visited by both Cleopatra and Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet. But he was just operating under the correct assumption that no one ever listens to a single word spoken during a walking tour. Alzo, how did Tig do in our quiz? Lord have mercy. Listen, I am always stunned that I'm invited back.

TIG got five right for 10 more points. Total of 13 and the lead. So how many then does Joyel need to win? Five to tie, six to win. Yeah. Four to lose. Lose. Got it.

I'm ready. Here we go, Jail. This is for the game. On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled that the White House could move forward with an executive order targeting mail-in blanking. Voting. Right. On Thursday, U.S. official said,

that hackers from Blank broke into justice department servers. The internet. Specifically from China, this week, Bill Gates said that Blank was much more dangerous than tech CEOs are willing to admit. Microsoft Word. I won. AI. On Monday, Space Company, Blank announced plans to build $100 billion launch pad in Louisiana.

Oh, goofy SpaceX. Yeah. On Monday, auctioneers said that a jersey worn by blank at the 1998 NBA finals could sell for over $10 million. Michael George. Right, known for his roles in the Rocky Harbor Picture Show and Clue, actor Blank passed away at the age of 80. Yeah, I know.

This week, Alaskan Senator Dan Sullivan is running for re-election against another man named Dan Sullivan was officially endorsed by Blank. Donald Trump? No, he was endorsed by the former mayor of Anchorage whose name is Dan Sullivan.

Sitting, Alaskan Senator Dan Sullivan thought he'd have an easy time getting re-elected, but he needs this endorsement because now he's running against another guy named Dan Sullivan. And as if worries about splitting the vote between the Sullivan's weren't bad enough, the Democratic challenger in the race just legally changed their name to check this box for a chance to win $1 million. Also, did Joyal do well enough to win? Nope. Yeah. But she enjoyed herself, and that's what's important. She got four right for eight more points, total of 11, which means Teague win.

Oh my gosh. Slow and steady. Slow and steady. Slow and steady. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict now that Amazon drones are in the air, what'll be the next big innovation in deliveries?

But first, let me tell you all, wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WB EZ Chicago in association with urgent hair car productions Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our Limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman, our ops manager is Jazeera Vardak.

Thanks to the staff crew at the Studio Baker Theater. BJ Leaderman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles, Nirmoss, and Lillian King. Special thanks to Blythe Robertson. Peter Gwynn was assisted this week by Dan Sullivan and Dan Sullivan.

Emma Choi is our vibe curator, technical directions from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock and the executive producer. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell me, is Mr. Mike Danforth. Now panel, what will be the next innovation

in package delivery? Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Delivery through cans. Cands of whoop ass. Peter Gross. When it's revealed that Amazon's drones are made in Canada, they'll be forced to switch to the most American method of delivery. T-shirt cannons.

And Tignataro. Well, I've heard they are currently in the process of working on this new state-of-the-art system where humans manually pilot their very own vehicle to a local retail store, execute a real-time physical transaction with another humanol. and then get this. Self-deliver the package to their very own private residents. Early testing

with advanced robotics confirms this zero drone manual carry model is so far 100% viable. And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Alzo Slade. Thanks also to J-Lay.

Nicole Johnson, Peter Gross, and Dick Nautaro. Thanks to all our fabulous audience here at the Studio Baker Theater. Thanks to everyone who's listening wherever you might be. Peter Sagan. We'll see you next week outside Dayton, Ohio. This is NPR.