Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - We say "So long!" to Kristi Noem and Benetti plays ball

Episode Date: March 7, 2026

This week, Luke Burbank, Negin Farsad, and Hari Kondabolu offer Kristi Noem some parting words and we quiz the new voice of Sunday Night Baseball, Jason Benetti, on his knowledge of confettiTo manage podcast ad preferences, review the links below:See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Support for NPR and the following message come from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, investing in creative thinkers and problem solvers who help people, communities, and the planet flourish. More information is available at Hewlett.org. From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is, wait, wait, don't tell me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm the voice so powerful, I command the clocks to spring forward. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Studebaker. theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois. Peter Segal.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that after this last week, I am ready for some baseball. And that is why I'm very excited to tell you that later on we're going to be talking to the new voice of Sunday night baseball on NBC, Jason Benetti. Now, Jason has a lot in common with Pope Leo. This is true.

Both grew up in Chicago as White Sox fans, and Jason also speaks with the authority of God. But first, it will be your turn to take the field. Give us a call. Play our games at 1-3-8-8-8-8-8-8-2-4. That's 1-8-8-2-4. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. How you're on Wait-Wait-Wait, don't tell me. Hi, this is Laura Braun, and I'm from Cyprus, Texas.

Hey, Laura. So what do you do there in Cyprus, Texas? I'm a high school English teacher. Are you really? I, of course, as you can imagine, was very fond of my high school English teachers. You have to be careful because if you encourage them, they may have gone into great things. If you encourage them too much, they might go into public radio. And be public radio listeners.

That's true. Well, thank you for, yes, thank you for making listeners for us. We very much appreciate it. Well, Laura, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, he's the host of the Daily Podcast, TBTL, and the public radio variety show LiveWire, which will be live at Hopscotch in Portland on Wednesday, March 11th. It's Luke Burbank.

Hey, Laura. Next up, it is a proud and freaked out Iranian who's worrying about her family back home. It's Nguin Farsaw. Hello. Hi. So great to meet you. I am freaked out about my family in Iran, and I hope for the best outcomes for everybody. and I'm just, you know, turns out not to be controversial here, but I hate war.

Whoa, man. Yeah. Got to be careful of taking those political stances. And finally, a comedian who'll be headlining the Alaska Before You Die Festival in Anchorage, Alaska, on Friday, April 3rd. It's Haricandabolu. Hey, Laura. Hi. Well, welcome to the show, Laura.

You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to start us off with three quotations. from this week's news, if you can correctly identify or explain, just two of them. You will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. You're ready to go? Ready. All right.

Your first quote is from a Department of Homeland Security employee who was talking on the down low to the Daily Mail Thursday about a big shake-up this week. Crowds are celebrating lots of phone calls, texts, people stopping by to celebrate. So people at DHS were apparently rejoicing that who is a lot of. no longer their boss? Christy Noem. Christy Noem. Oh, a lot of fans in the room.

What a warm send-off. She'll be grateful. I mean, they're not replacing her with Obama, just as a headside. Yeah, I know. But still. It's like not getting better. On Thursday, the president fired

DHS Secretary Kristy Noem in a heartfelt run-on sentence. It's so unfair, though. I mean, she was fired with no warning when it happened, she was actually delivering a speech somewhere. I mean, I bet if her face could make expressions, it would have looked really sad. Trump has announced that he is going to give her a new job.

She will be, quote, the special envoy for the shield of the Americas, unquote. You may not know what that is. You may know, no, no, no. Oh, you guys are like booing because you don't think she's. fit to be the envoy to the shield of the Americas? Is that your problem? You're like, oh, wow, no, that job needs somebody qualified. I don't think. Anyway, if you don't know what that job is, it is the position you get if you did a really bad job running Homeland Security, but you still know too much about the Epstein files. I feel like this is going to be happening to a lot of

these cabinet members over the next weeks and months. It'll be like, Marco Rubio, the new ambassador to Genovia, the country from the Princess Diaries. I also wonder how she's going to look back at her time at DHS, because it honestly, for her was sort of just like a spring break. You know what I mean? She, like, hooked up with a new guy. Yeah. You know what I mean?

She was like on camera a lot, like posing, you know, do it. So, I mean, she probably did a lot of body shots off of, you know, ice agents. I'm from Portland, and of course she showed up at the ice facility in Portland and staged this, like, hilarious event, which is she stood on the roof, like, surveying the, like, Antifa Hellscape, which had at that moment of the day, like, four people, including a guy in a chicken suit. We remember. Who was just looking at her kind of, like, perplexed. That guy still has his job. Yeah, that's true. He's in the chicken suit outside of the ice facility right now, and she does it.

Yeah, the chicken guy won, gnome zero. All right, Lori, your next quote is from somebody revealing some exciting news. I'm getting a double jaw surgery in a couple weeks. That was Braden Peters, known to the online world as clavicular. He is one of the leaders of a movement called looks maxing. If you looks max, you prioritize what over everything else? Your physical appearance? Your physical appearance, yes.

Quote, looks maxing is a growing trend among young men obsessed with improving the appearance of every part of their body, including, quote, soft maxing, that's diet or exercise, quote, hard maxing, that's getting surgery. And all of this phenomenon is also known as, quote, a mental health crisis. Can I just take a step back for a second and just say, like, welcome to all of these gentlemen who are joining the world of impossible beauty standards that women have been inhabiting for centuries? Welcome to rampant insecurity. And now do earn less for doing the same work.

Let's do that one. And can I also just say that, like, I thought, like, we were going to achieve equality by women doing better. Yes. But this way, if men do worse, I guess that's also a way we can do equality. Yeah.

All the men took, like, is it a challenge? We can be that shallow. I've been thinking about it. It's really racist white boy nonsense when you think about it because all their images of what handsome is is white with certain European features. Right. That's what they're basing everything on.

European features like sharp cheekbones, Nazi tattoos. But it's also like it completely forgets the idea that white people age terribly. We all know this. I mean, good black don't crap. good brown don't frown, good white, that doesn't exist. Yeah. See, hurry, see, this is where I think maybe your vision on this is a little short-sighted.

There's no way clavicular is living past 30. That's absolutely true. Yeah, because you've got to understand something. This has nothing to do with health. Zero. It's just appearance. So they're obsessed with plastic surgery and supplements, supplements like, and this is true, crystal meth.

Because when I think crystal meth, I just picture a beautiful face with normal still present teeth. All right, Laura, your last quote is a declaration from Pope Leo the 14th just this week. The brain needs to be used. The Pope was commanding all the Catholic priests around the world to stop using what to write their weekly sermons. As an English teacher, I'm so on his son. chat GPT. Yes, chat GPT, AI, chatbots.

Apparently priests were using AI to write their sermons for them. Why would they need to do that? Writing sermons is their one job, right? Their weekly schedule is just write the sermon and have dinner with a widow. I mean, I feel like if I was the priest, I would make the argument that, you know, God created us and we created the AI and who are we to not, you know, enjoy its bounty? Exactly. And free up more time for dinners with grieving widows.

Exactly. But that was unpersuasive to the Pope, I guess. No, apparently not. He didn't buy it. Well, the problem is if you think about it from the Pope's perspective, it's a violation of trust, right? Because what if priests start using AI for everything they're supposed to do? You go into the booth, we're like, Father,

before I tell you my confession, could you tell me which of these pictures contains a motorcycle? Can I just say those are getting harder? Yeah, they really are. I am, like, my failure rate on CAPTCHA's is shockingly high these days. I mean, did they run out of the easy ones now? It's like, is this one micrometer of the crosswalk count as part of the street? It's really true.

Translate this from the ancient Greek. Bill, how did Laura do in our quiz? Laura did not hesitate to give us all three correct answers. Well done, Laura. Congratulations. Take care of it. Thank you. Take care of there.

Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Luke, Washington State residents were shocked this week to find out that when they called a state office and pressed two for Spanish, they heard what? English delivered with a quote-unquote Spanish accent. That is exactly right. It turns out that for the last few months, if you called the Washington State Department of Licensing, got the voicemail. press 2 to hear your options in Spanish. This is what you would hear.

Thank you for calling the department of licensing customer support center. For assistance which is scheduled in a driver licensing office appointment, please press 1. If you press 5, she tells Lucy no, she can't be in the show. And this is also true. The only Spanish words that this bot says are numbers. So finally, a job for someone who got their Spanish degree from Sesame Street. Coming off, our panelists, just take a break. Call 1-Chic-A-8. Wait-W-to-Play.

We'll be back in a minute with more. Wait-wait-wait, don't tell me for next deal. This message comes from Wise, the app for international people using money around the globe. You can send, spend, and receive in up to 40 currencies with only a few simple taps. Be smart. Get Wise. Download the Wise app today, or visit Wise.com. T's and C's Apply. This message comes from an PR sponsor, SAP Concur.

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have team building and decision-making input from that team that we normally didn't have the time to receive before. So it was almost like a retraining of the brain on job functionality and opportunities that they have here at Atracure. Visit concur.com to learn more. Support for NPR and the following message come from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, investing in creative thinkers and problem solvers who help people, communities, and the planet flourish. More information is available at Hewlett.org. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR Doze Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Harri Kandabolu, Nagin Farsad, and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Right now it's time for the wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Bluff the listener game call 1-Tu-8. Wait, wait, wait, to Blair game in the air.

How you were on, wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Hello, this is Heather. I'm calling from Brookston, Indiana. Brooks, Indiana. We were just in Indiana. I didn't see you. You did see me. I actually got to ask you a question in the Q&A session in...

That's hilarious. I'm a little embarrassed. That could not have gone worse. I'm sorry. Well, there were 3,200 people, but... I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. I'm voice blind. Heather, welcome back to the show.

You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Heather's topic? I call a timeout. Now, you better have a good reason if you call a timeout in the middle of a game. And sorry, stopping to do you. checking all the bets you place in yourself is not a good enough excuse. This week we

had about a surprising mid-game timeout at a competition. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win our prize. The wait-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. You ready to play? Yes, I'm ready. All right. First, let's hear from Hary Kondobolu. A hockey game in Muddy River, Minnesota was stopped during the second period after Zamboni lost control, leaving players and fans running for their lives. The runaway machine was a new driverless model and was purchased when former driver Steve Berman was fired after driving the Zamboni drunk, which apparently is a crime in Minnesota. He got a Z-U-I.

Town officials say the mistake may have come from the Zamboni software developer, David Starr, a man they hired who was good at software but had never seen a hockey game in his life. According to Starr, I just assumed the Zamboni was kind of part of the game, like it was in the action and the guys played against it. The town has decided to hire a human Zamboni driver who will not drink beer while operating the machine. So far, the search has proved futile. An out-of-control self-driving Zamboni disrupts a hockey game in Minnesota.

Your next sports stoppage time comes from Luke Burbank. Thank you. Soccer is a hard enough sport considering they don't let you use your hands, but things got even more challenging recently at a playoff match in Turkey when goalkeeper Muhammad Uyannik sent a ball soaring into the air, only to watch it absolutely obliterate a seagull who happened to be flying by. The bird fell out of the sky and onto the turf and wasn't moving, which is when Uyanaq's teammate, team captain Ghani Katan, came to the rescue. stopping the game, which is something they don't even do when a person gets hurt, he ran onto the field and knelt by the bird's side.

Then in a move that could only be described as Dr. Doolittle meets the pit, Katan started aggressively doing CPR on the lifeless bird. And not for like three seconds, but for a long time. Was it a good idea? Unclear. But did it work? Apparently, the bird is reportedly doing well, recuperating from an injured wing, and congrats to whoever bet $1,000 on draft kings

that someone would almost kill a bird during the match. They were, of course, the big winner. A soccer game in Turkey stopped when a bird injured by a flying ball is revived by a caring team captain. Your last timeout tale comes from Naguine Farsad. The Basketball League of Manhattan's West Village had its annual playoffs at the West Fourth Street Courts on Saturday.

A team of investment bankers, who called themselves the eyeballers, were playing against a team of bodega owners, the bodunkadunkes. Games are uneventful, just a bunch of middle-aged men acting like they aren't afraid of injury, but nevertheless moving very slowly. But tonight, there was a man in the bleachers rumored to be an NBA scout. So these basketballers of a certain age went hard. In the first ten minutes, it was a an exhilarating game. Onlookers were wowed by their speed and alacrity. But on minute 11, Gerald Milliband of J.P. Morgan Chase gripped his torn ACL and took the bench. By minute 15, Jimmy Torres screamed at a torn meniscus and took the bench. By the end of the first quarter of the 10 players, six of them had serious injuries, including torn ACL, MCL,

ruptured Achilles and hamstrings. In a show of intrateney. Spirit, however, they did share an ambulance to the hospital. Oh, and turns out that NBA Scout was just a guy wearing a suit. All right. So here are your choices. A game stopped somewhere for what reason? Was it from Harikanda Bolo? A Zamboni, self-driving itself, goes berserk and destroys a hockey rink in Minnesota.

From Luke Burbank, a soccer game in Turkey is interrupted when a bird is injured and then must be saved, or from Nagin Farsada, basketball game in New York City ends when the corporate types trying to impress somebody all managed to destroy their lower bodies. Which of these was the real story of a game that stopped prematurely we found in the news? I can never guess these right, but maybe the Seagull story is the right one. Maybe, maybe. All right, you're going to choose Luke's story of the Seagull.

Well, we spoke to someone. with some expertise on the real story. Maybe he did save the bird's life. Maybe the bird stopped breathing, and that's what brought it back. That was Dr. Sipzeperstein. That was Dr. Sipersstein, an exotic pet veterinarian in the Bay Area,

on the seagull that was resuscitated in the middle of a game in Turkey. Congratulations, you got it right, Heather. Oh, thank you. You earned a point for Luke and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice, and your voicemail. Oh, wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for playing, Heather, and I guess at this rate, we'll see you next week. Absolutely.

Take care. Bye. And now the game where we ask experts about something about which they have no expertise. It's called Not My Job. Jason Benetti grew up in Chicago and in the third grade wrote an essay in which he said he wanted to be the broadcaster for the Chicago. White Sox. And he actually got that job in 2016. He must also have dreamed back then about being the national voice of baseball for NBC sports because he got that job this week. Jason Benetti. Welcome to Wait, wait, don't tell me.

S.A. is a bit of a stretch. Essay is a bit of a stretch. So we obviously, this is part of your legend, which I think people here in Chicago know. Maybe now they'll know it across the nation. but it is true that you were in the third grade. White Sox fan, right? Yeah, that's right. You said, I want to be Hawk Harrelson, the broadcaster for the White Sox. I actually did. What people don't know is I wrote 50 of those.

Really? One was, I'd like to be a district attorney. One was, I'd like to flip burgers, and we just unearthed whichever one I got the job for. Really? You got to be ready for anything in a baseball game. Exactly. You started broadcasting, if I'm not mistaken, your high school band competitions, marching band competitions? That's right.

If you're listening on the radio, you can't see my stature. But I think, like, wispy and frail covers it. Yeah. Right? And I, you know, as somebody with a mild case of cerebral palsy, the marching with the tuba that I selected as my instrument was a horrendous. idea. So the first band director in middle school made me the drum major. So my job was to keep time with my gate, which was a terribleer idea. Right. So then in high school, they moved that to, we're going to put the tuba on the field and you'll march in place while everybody else

goes in planetary orbit around you. That didn't go great either. So the band director said, why don't you go upstairs and announce the band's set? So coming up next, Wheels of a Dream, from ragtime or whatever it was. And it was the first time I was behind a microphone. So thanks to Bill Jastrow of Homewood Flossmoor High School for all this. There you are. And you eventually got the job with the White Sox.

You broadcast them for many years, and you left right before they recorded the worst record in the modern era for a baseball team. You went to the Detroit Tigers, and they, whoa, and they made an amazing. They're saying Luke. Yes. And they made an amazing, unexpected run right to the playoffs that year.

It was you, wasn't it? I think just yes. Just yes. They clinched against the White Sox, which was a funny, full circle sort of thing. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I know you had to, like, you spent years on the road,

minor league baseball, high school basketball. Can you, like, do you remember, like, the most obscure sporter game you ever had to So, a couple of years ago, I got a phone call from somebody here in Chicago and they said, hey, we're looking for somebody to do play-by-play and post-production from a studio of the National Electricians Championships. I'm sorry, what? Correct. So it had...

You were going to call the Neckys? You know, Vin Scullough used to call the Neckys without a partner. It was amazing. It's time for frayed wires, Vin used to say. What in the world was the National Electricians Championship? Yeah, yeah. So it was on tape already. So I didn't have the fire.

The excitement of life. The zest, the sizzle, I guess. I'm very careful about how I talk about this, though, because when we were in the studio. Yeah. They said, okay, to start, just go off script. There's a whole script, and my analyst was the electrician from this old house. Scott Karen was on Bob Vila's This Old House. So we just did one run-through straight ahead through the script. And then the second time, they said, okay, let's do a bunch of ad libs. So going to the final break, I said, come back with us. We'll crown a champion, sparks will fly. And I just thought of that off the top of my head. Wow, that's talent. You're not going to believe. A guy from the electricians championship group, the conglomerate that was staging the show, came in and said, you can't say that.

Yeah. And I said, well, why? He said, well, that would mean bad craftsmanship. And so he said, do it again, do it again. So we do it again, and I say, coming up next will crown a champion, sparks won't fly. And the guy comes walking in again, and this is his job. Right, yeah, sure. come in and tell me what ad-libs don't work.

Right. And he said, you can't say that either. It's too snarky. And I literally said to the guy, why am I here? If neither of those works, why am I here? One last question. I'm pretty sure, unless something happened in the end of last season, I missed, that you have not settled on a signature home run call.

I have not. Well, do you feel that now you will be the NBC Sunday night baseball voice of the game, that it is time to pick one? I do. And I think we have the perfect. panel appear for it. Yes. If they'd care to offer suggestions for a home run call.

How about, bye, bye-bye, ball. In that exact word. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. See, this is why this show is great.

Normally, normally when somebody offers me a home run call, they offer me only the language portion, but you did the tone as well. I think it makes the motif. Yes. You have to say it like a six-year-old. Well, Jason Benetti, it is a pleasure to have you here, have you back home in Chicago,

but we have asked you here to play our game we are calling. Jason Benetti, here's some confetti. We're going to ask you about confetti. That's the word that used to mean little sweets and now means a huge mess. Answer two or three questions correctly. You'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Jason Benetti playing for? Tim Hudson of Washington, D.C.

All right. Here's your first question. One of the biggest confetti drops each year is in Times Square in New Year's Eve, and more than 3,000 pounds of confetti is dispersed all over. But that can sometimes lead to what problem? A, the confetti cannons are so big they can trigger an earthquake warning in the area. B, the confetti explosions can spook thousands of pigeons all at once leading to a giant shower of bird poop on the revelers. Or C. Sometimes, after the event, many people are suffering from a medical

condition called confetti arm. You were vague enough that I think confetti arm is real. That's true. It is real because you see there are no confetti cannons or dispensers. All the confetti thrown into Times Square is thrown by hand, all 3,000 pounds of it. And the man in charge says the repetitive motion of throwing the confetti can lead to, quote, confetti arm. All right, here's your next question.

Confetti can be made of a lot of things. paper, plastic, even sometimes gold, but paradegoers at the 2012 Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade were surprised when they found out that the confetti that day was made of what? A, newspaper ads for Walmart, B, shredded police documents, some of which included the names of undercover police officers, or C, slices of turkey. So when I was in the minors, yes. My broadcast partner was Kevin Brown of the Baltimore Orioles. He's a TV announcer in Major League Baseball as well. We would we would drive to games and listen to Wait Wait.

Right. And quite often we would say, I hope it's B. Right. And so I get to on the show say, I hope it's B. It was B. Yes. Apparently, someone looked at a piece of confetti stuck to a friend's coat and says, why does that confetti have someone's social security number on it?

All right, you have a chance for a perfect game. Confetti cannons are a popular feature at shows and concerts, not in Times Square. but the band Bad Omen stopped using Vairs after a show in Melbourne, Australia, where what happened? A, the cannons suffered a glitch, where instead of going off at the end of a song, they fired off randomly all night. B, when the cannons went off, the confetti knocked a bunch of ceiling tiles loose, which fell on the audience's heads. Or C, someone stuck a balloon in the barrel, causing the cannon to explode.

I'm going to say that it was A and it was firing all night. No, I'm afraid it was actually B again. Oh, I hope it's beat. Yeah, Kevin out there was shouting. I hope it's beat. It was beat. The next night after the tile incident, the lead singer of the band said from the stage, quote, a moment of silence for the victims of the ceiling panels.

Not a joke. Shut up. I heard they're all here tonight. Everyone that was hit by the ceiling tile, if you were, where my tile guys at? What do you expect from a band called Bad Omen? It's true, yeah. They're not called Good Diplomacy. That's right.

Bill, how did Jason Benetti do in our quiz? Two hits out of three. Put you on base. You're a winner. There you are. Jason Benetti is a sportscaster in the new voice of Sunday night baseball on NBC.

You can hear them all this season. Jason Benetti, thank you so much for joining us. I'm Wait Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. In just a minute, Bill has a new dessert for you to try and immediately regret in our listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-8 Wait-WATE to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more

Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Luke Burbank, Harikandabalu, and Nagin Farsad. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Peter Seigle. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, Bill.

In just a minute, we fulfill our enforced limerick quota. It's our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a... a call at 1-3-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-2-4. Right now, a panel, though, some more questions for you from the week's news. McGeen, according to New York Magazine, more and more parents are worried about whether or not who likes them. More and more parents are what of their own children like them.

Not their own children. That's a lost cause, Nagy. Okay, sorry, yeah. Other school parents. Not the parents. The principal. Not the principal. The teachers.

No, it's not the... Let me give you a hint. Let me give you hands. The building? No. What do we say, here, Peter? I'll give you a hand. You're like, oh, go. No, you have to wear something nicer than that. Henry's coming over for a play date.

Oh, the friends of your kids? Yes, your kid's friends. Apparently, this is a big anxiety. According to the cut, that's a section of New York Magazine, it's normal to worry your kids' friends are judging you, because they are. There's nothing you can do about it. If you try too hard, you're like the mom from mean girls. You don't try it all, and they're like, what the hell?

No snacks, lady? Can I just say in response to the cut, I'll give a what those kids think of me? Really? My daughter's friends, they should be so lucky to have me in the room. Come on. Also, don't flatter yourselves. I don't want to be around you guys at all. Go play.

Really? Yeah. You know, what? I mean, we're all parents here. You have a daughter from right, right? Yes. And you don't send your daughter's friends home. They get picked up.

They go home and you don't think to yourself, she's going to go home and compare me to her mom, and I'm going to look pretty good. And I will spend as much money at this Red Robin as I have to to prove that money. This is so you're, yeah, yeah, so like I'm basically magging the, mom of the other moms. No, I don't, I, I just mostly am like, I don't want there to be any injuries or anything like that.

So there's like a report of like, this mom let an injury happen. So that's like mostly, that's it. That's all right. Just as long as there are no felonies. And like I don't want them to be like, I'm hungry because they didn't feed us. Like that's it. Yeah, those are the two things. Right.

Basic needs. What would impress a five-year-old like, what, a bluey t-shirt and some shorts? What is a five-year-old looking for an adult to look like? And what kind of uncool adult would that make you? You know what I mean? In order to appeal to a young kid, whatever their sensibility is, when the other adults see you, they'll be like, is this person okay? Right, right.

It's also a little creepy. Like, why are you dressed like a child? Yeah. And also, like, why are you even trying to spend time with us? Like, we're going to play now. You go. Yes. Leave now.

Yeah. Luke, the CEO of McDonald's put out a video of himself. trying their brand new burger, the Big Arch Burger. The video went viral because of the way the CEO did what? Appeared to have literally never eaten a McDonald's burger in his life. That's right. Specifically because of his, the tiny, tiny bite he took. Chris Kempzinski is the CEO of McDonald's,

and he introduced their new Big Archburger by posting a video of himself with one. And after describing how great it was, he lifts it to his mouth and kind of pecks it? Right? It's not clear he actually makes contact with it. With his teeth, it's like the air kiss of eating. Like, did no one ever notice that the CEO lacked the fundamental burger charisma required for the job?

I wonder if, like, they told him to take a bigger bite and off-camera, he's like, I'm not going to eat this crap. You know what's in here? Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call it, leave a message at 1-3-8-8-8-8-2-8-2-4. You can see us most weeks right here at the Studio Baker Theater in downtown Chicago. You can also catch us on the road.

We'll be in Savannah, Georgia, home of midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and one night, us, March 26th. We will also be in San Diego on April 30th. For tickets and more information to all of our live events, go to NPRPresents. and wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, Peter. This is Eli calling from Royal Oak Michigan. Well, hello, Eli. We apparently have some royalokers.

What do you do there? I am a newish lawyer practicing corporate litigation. Corporate litigation. Yeah, I know. Dry your tears, Eli, with thousands of dollars. It doesn't hurt. Well, welcome to the show, Eli. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks

with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and to the limerick, she'll be a winner. Here is your first limerick. The flow of this drink we must stanch. Because the thought of its taste makes me blanch. They think Hidden Valley is right up my alley. It's a milkshake that tastes just like...

Ranch? Ranch. Yes, the Great Wolf Lodge chain of Water Park Resorts. recently announced the new ranch-flavored milkshake because people were not pooping enough. Yes. The treat, if you will, is made with ice cream, ranch seasoning, and is top with carrots, celery, chicken nuggets, and whipped cream. The head chef at Great Wolf Lodge developed it through a process called throwing random things

into a blender till the ache in his heart went away. They, if you've been inside a Great Wolf Lodge, it is a very big. violation of the Geneva Conventions. Just as is, let alone this ranch dressing situation. And like you said, the fact that it's a bunch of pools and water slides, indoors with adults who have been served alcohol

and their children who they haven't seen for hours. Yes. This is a terrible idea. Wait, there's water slides in the lodge? Yes, that's what it's all about. That's what it is. That's why it's called Great Wolf Lodge. You know, water slides. Right? Good point. Legally, we can't describe them as water slides.

All right, here's your next lemurick. In our family tree, chimps aren't distal, though they cannot make pancakes or whistle, but they open their hearts to the aura of quartz. Chimpanzees feel the power of... Crystal? Crystal, yes. It turns out that humans are not the only primates

who are suckers for new age crap. A scientist at a chimp sanctuary offered chimps a quartz crystal and a plain rock of the same size. And in multiple trials, the chimps grab the crystal and let the rock sit there. The joke is on them. Under the rock was a coupon for a thousand bananas. God, so they're as shallow as we are. Apparently, yeah. In fact, the chimps might actually have a better appreciation for crystals than humans do

because the chimps at least haven't tried to use them as deodorant. That's a thing. It is. Oh, my God, I've used that deodorant. We know. It's like the only thing about me that I don't use it all the time. I'm not going to defend myself to you guys. Okay, I'm going to stop right there.

Here is your last limerick. They said, teacup. But he grew real big. He porked out. That's a truth, not a dig. Now like Charlotte, I know that they eat and they grow. No such thing as a wee little egg. Pig, yes. Wow. Vets are begging people to stop buying what pet stores are calling teacup pigs for the reason that there is no such thing as a teacup pig. It's just a baby pig and he's a baby pig and he's a about to get a lot bigger. When one vet was asked about teacup pigs, she said, quote, that's not a thing. People are getting disappointed when those adorable little piglets they thought

would stay that way grow up to be the size of a top-loading freezer. You know, I live in the East Village of New York City, and there was a guy who walked his pig around the neighborhood. Of course there was. And I, in recent months, I have not seen that guy, and I wonder, is that, is the person, pet bacon now. You know what I mean? You gotta wonder. You gotta do, yeah.

Was it hunting season? If you really want to like a little itty pig, just get a guinea pig with like alopecia. Bill, how did Eli do in our quiz? Three correct answers prove that Eli, you can do better than corporate law. Eli, congratulations and thanks for calling.

Thank you. Thank you. Now on to our final game, Lightning Film, the blankage of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-on-the-blank questions as they can, each correct answer, now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Hari and Luke each have three. Negine has two. Okay, so that means... That means Nagin, you are in second place, so you are up first. Here we go. The clock will start when they begin your first question, fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Ayatollah Ali Kameney's

son was named the leading candidate to become blank's next supreme leader. Iran. For the first time since her mom's disappearance, Blank returned to the Today Show. Savannah Guthrie. Right. This week, a woman in California filed suit against META claiming that blank is knowingly addictive. AI. Social media.

Social media. Instagram, in this case. According to new data, the average blank account grew by 11% in 2025. Bank account? No, in this case, retirement account of 401K. This week, customers of a supermarket in Australia have complained that the store's new AI customer service chat bot will not. stop blanking. Flirting with them.

No, the chatbot will not stop complaining about its mother. Which it does not have because it is a chatbot. According to a new study, blank medications may indeed help fight addictions. GLP ones. Right. On Tuesday, a total lunar eclipse led to 2026's first blank moon. Red moon. Yeah, or the blood moon.

A man walking to work in Brazil was being attacked by two wild dogs when he was saved by blank. A really nice wild dog. No, he was saved by his phone, which exploded. One of the dogs tried to bite the man, but instead bit his phone, which was in his pocket. The phone exploded, scared off the dogs. It's amazing to think. If this guy had a better phone, he could have been killed.

And people say there's no reason to get Boost Mobile. Bill, how did Negan do in our quiz? Coming from behind. And she got five right, ten more points. Total to 12 puts her in the lead. All right. Hurry, you're up next. Fill in the blank.

On Tuesday, James Tala Rico won the closely watched Democratic primary for Senate in blank. Texas. Right, citing overwhelmingly negative public feedback. A meeting to approve Trump's renovations to the blank was delayed. Ballroom. Yeah, the White House. This week, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnik agreed to testify before the congressional panel investigating the blank files. Epstein file.

Right, following their feud with the White House AI chatbot, became the most popular iPhone app. Anthropologic? I'm going to give it to you. The company is Anthropic. Their product is clawed. Shoppers at an antique store in upstate New York made an incredibly rare find in the shelf a blank.

A Dead Sea scroll. No, a live sleeping owl. Just hanging out there. On Monday, Apple announced a new cheaper version of the blank. iPhone. And the MacBook. Right. Thursday, Popstar Blank was arrested for driving under the influence.

Brittany Spears. Yes. This week, a man hoping to get better at chess created his own custom board that blanks him when he makes a wrong move. Shocked him. Yes. What? The creator of this electrified chess board was tired of losing matches to the chess

hustlers at Union Square in New York City, and after a year of shocking himself, we were thrilled to report that he's still losing to the chess hustlers in Union Square. It's not a total loss, though. Sure, he hasn't mastered chess after being shocked all those times, but at least he's no longer barking at strangers. Bill, how are you doing our quiz? Seven, right. 14 more points.

Total of 17 puts him in the lead. All right, then how many does Luke need to win? Seven to tie, eight, to win. Here we go, Luke. This is for the game, fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the Senate rejected a resolution that would limit blanks war powers? The presidents. Right, Donald Trump. On Tuesday, the White House announced a plan to help lower residential

blank costs. Mortgage costs. Electricity costs this time. This week, Colorado declared their first blank outbreak of 2026. Measles. Right. On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled the companies who paid for Trump's blanks are owed refunds. Tariffs. Right, according to a new article, tech firms around the country are trying to increase productivity by stocking offices with free blank. Cots. No. tobacco. After receiving some complaints, the theater in London putting on a kid-friendly Peppa Pig

show says they will no longer serve blank at their snack bar. Tea cup pigs. I'm going to give it to you. The answer is bacon. All right. In retrospect, yes, it was kind of weird that kids would watch a show about

Peppa Pig and Mommy Pig and then go out in the lobby and eat cousin pig. But granted, of course, this wouldn't have been the first time kids were faced with this particular problem. Think of all those little Arthur fans. The first time they were served an Art of Arc sandwich. Bill, did Luke do well enough to win? He did well. Four right, eight more points, but his total of 11 falls to Haris 17. Coming up, our panelists predict, well, after looks maxing, what'll be the next big internet beauty

trend. But first let me tell you that support for NPR comes from NPR stations and Britbox dedicated to offering viewers the opportunity to see it differently with British TV, streaming original series, Jane Austen dramas, Agatha Christie Mysteries, and more at Britbox.com. Cunard, each voyage includes accommodation options, from inside state rooms to balconies to grill suites with Butler service, dedicated to offering white star service, fine dining and entertainment, Cunard.com. And progressive insurance, progressive is looking, for individuals in a variety of career fields who want to help build a culture of

inclusiveness. More information, including application, at progressive.com slash careers. Wait, wait, don't tell me as a production of NPR and WB EZ, Chicago, in association with the urgent haircut productions Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks, our public address

announcer is Paul Friedman. Thanks to the staff and crew always at the Studio Baker Theater. B.J. Liderman, composed, our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles, Norma, and Lillian King. Special thanks to Mahandale Jakee Monica Hickey and Travis Hagen. Our prank maxer is Peter Gwynn. Our visual host is Emma Choi.

Technical direction is from Lorna White. Her CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chulag and the executive producer of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now panel, what would be the next big internet beauty trend. Nagin Farsad. Feet maxing. Bunyan are cool so you can now get them surgically added to your feet.

Hari Kandibolu. Brain smashing. It's time to get rid of some excess brain cells. Luke Burbank. Look Snacksing, where I make a bunch of snacks, and I look at the Internet to try to figure out what the hell people are doing to their faces. Well, if any of that happens, panel,

we're going to ask you about it. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Nagin Farsad, Luke Burbank and Harry Kandabolu. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studio Bickney Theater in downtown Chicago. Thanks to all of you for listening wherever you might be. I'm Peter Sagan. We'll see you next week.

Is NPR. Support for NPR and the following message come from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation. Investing in creative thinkers and problem solvers who help people, communities, and the planet flourish. More information is available at Hewlett.org.