Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - WWDTM: Patti LuPone

Episode Date: July 15, 2023

Patti LuPone joins panelists Emmy Blotnick, Adam Felber, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson to talk birds, Broadway, and the proper way to swipe a cell phone.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WPEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm your new summer blockbuster, Mission Impossible. Bill Curtis. And here is your host at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. You're too kind, but I don't blame you for being excited. We have a great show for you today.

Later on, we're going to be talking to the Broadway legend, Patti LuPone. Now, yes, you may remember a few years ago, she actually stopped performing a play and grabbed the cell phone from an audience member who was using it during the performance. So I recommend everybody here turn theirs off. And everybody listening at home, better do it too. Patty will know. But still, before you do that, use the phone to call us. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, Peter. This is Mike from Amazing Chicago. Amazing Chicago. Great to hear from you. What do you do in our fabulous city?

When I'm not opening for Patti LuPone, I'm a full-time guide. So I have my own solo company called Tours with Mike where I try to make architecture, design, and history fun and interesting through a bunch of really special tours. Well, that's really exciting. I need to apologize because I'm the kind of person who is your nightmare, who goes in a tour

and then raises my hand to ask a question. What I really want to do is try to prove I know more than you do. Hey, I love the interactivity. It keeps it fun. It keeps it interesting. It keeps me doing the job. Right.

Well, Mike, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's writer and comedian Emmy Blotnick. Next, he's the director of the new YouTube climate-oriented comedy show, Unbleeping the Planet. You can find itber. Hey there. Hi, Mike. Hello. And finally, making her debut on our panel, a comedian who will be performing at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal on July 25th at Cafe Cleopatra. It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

Yeah. Hey, Mike. Well, Mike, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to give you a tour, if you will, of the week's news through three quotes. If you can correctly identify or explain to them, you know you will win our prize, the voice of anyone you might choose from our show on your voicemail. You ready to do this?

I'm so excited. All right, we are too. Here is your first quote. Welcome to the Anthropocene era. That's the headline from the Encyclopedia of Earth introducing the dawn of the Anthropocene epoch. Now, that is the first geological epoch that was created by the actions of, well, what?

Wow. I'm guessing global climate change? Good enough. Humans, i.e., we did it. Congratulations, everybody. Yay! They wanted us to change the world when we were growing up. They didn't indicate in which direction.

You have heard of, like, the Cretaceous and the Triassic and the Jurassic eras of deep time history. Well, scientists have gotten one big step closer to declaring the start of a new one. They're calling the Anthropocene, so someday there's going to be a movie called Anthropocene Park, where scientists clone a bunch of oil executives who were trapped in amber,

and then they eat everyone. Mike, could you do a tour about this? Maybe call it like the eras tour? I don't know if anybody's using that name. I'm sure there will be no lawsuits. It goes reputation, Anthropocene. Now this is

important because this is the epic and is the first in geological history to be brought about not by something like an asteroid impact, but by human-caused planetary change. It will be marked in the geological strata by a thin layer of plastic straws. And then sour cream and then chili. Yes. Right? Guacamole, shredded cheese.

Cheese on top. Yes. Yes. It's the casserole. Actually, this is true. It's based on strata that was found at a lake in Canada, so there will be some gravy on top of it. Oh, yeah.

I'm just going to say it's my first time on the show, and you came in hot with Anthropocene. So I don't feel comfortable. But it's okay. Did I even say that right? Come on. You'll be fine. It I even say that right? Come on. You'll be fine. It was a different show back in the Holocene.

Yeah, I know. How long is this new one going to last? Because I'm tired of it already. Yeah, I know. Is there such thing as like a 50-year epic? No. The one we're in, the Holocene, has been lasting for about 12,000 years. Yeah.

We kind of wore that one out. Yeah, Yeah. We've got to war that one out. Yeah, I know. We've got to beat that record. But we should point out that the Anthropocene epic is different from the anthropology epic, which ended with the mass extinction of peasant skirts and scented candles. Back when brick-and-mortar stores roamed the earth.

Exactly, yes. All right, Mike, your next quote is somebody flashing his temper. Get the F out of the car. Who, we are told in a new report, actually has a terrible temper, despite his folksy old man demeanor. Oh boy, folksy old man demeanor. Is that Joe Biden? It is Joe Biden, Yes. One more. According to this blockbuster report in Axios, seemingly kind old man President Biden has a quick temper. Aides say they're often afraid to approach Biden alone, worried he may snap at them, or far worse, want to tell them a 45-minute story about

a convertible. Now, this story, which was like scandalous, was probably leaked by the White House to help Biden's image. You think he's a doddering old man. Well, he's got so much piss and vinegar, he has to get up five times a night. much piss and vinegar, he has to get up five times a night. Yeah, nothing makes him seem less old than saying, hey, he's cranky too. It's hard to picture Joe Biden cursing, like in real curses. I feel like he'd say like Cracker Jacks and Fiddle Sticks and stuff. Flim Flam. Like that's his F word, right? Yeah. Flippity dippity. So do you guys buy this about Biden? He looks like he's always on the verge. Yeah, I mean

F-bomb drop in. You poke any charming grandpa hard enough. We thought it was a stutter. He's just trying not to be cussing at people. You put your damn put your Alright, Mike, here is your last quote.

Change the channel. You'll be happier for it. Now, that was a writer named Amanda Gabrielle. She was talking about a new study that actually proves that a particular home improvement channel is actually making us all miserable. What's the channel? The only one I can think of is HGTV. And that's the one we meant, yes.

HGTV has been scientifically proven to make us all miserable. Welcome to Instagram Body Issues Home Edition. When you say home, I'm not familiar. My apartment is 590 square feet. Right. So what is a home? Did you flip it or flop it? Listen. Yeah.

So anyway, like I said, the idea is that people watch these fabulous makeovers on HDTV where drab homes are converted into fabulous ones through the use of decor. And they start getting really self-conscious about their own home and trying desperately to meet that impossible standard, right? You may not realize this syndrome is affecting you. The first symptom is you have a basket full of wicker balls on a table. It's because this stuff happens too fast on HGTV. It's like you snap and everything's set up. And in real life, it takes so much. They don't show when you unpack it and it's a billion pieces and you get into a fight.

And then you're like, I'm not mad. I'm just going for a walk. But making you feel inferior is in HGTV's DNA, isn't it? I mean, don't they derive from better homes and gardens? Which has always implied to me, better than you. Exactly. Always. You have a worse home.

You have a worse home if you're buying better homes. And the problem is, is like, it's also this whole lifestyle thing, not just the decor, right? I mean, people looking at house hunters, like, why can't I be a part-time SEAL trainer who somehow has 2.5 million to spend on a house in Turks and Caicos?

Why not? Yeah, so that's why I like to watch shows that make me feel better about myself. So I like, I'll watch a Hoarders or something like that. Yeah, that'll do it. So true. I mean, this doesn't happen,

does this happen on other channels? Do people like watching Dateline think, man, I haven't murdered anyone? Yeah. What have I done with my life? If you listen to podcasts, you realize how far behind you are as a serial killer. It's true.

Bill, how did Mike do on our quiz? He did great. He's a Chicagoan. Yes. Mike, congratulations. I'll come take your tour someday. Thanks, everyone. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Joelle, you have seen probably around the city those bird spikes,

those thin, sharp metal rods put on buildings and statues, right, to keep birds from landing on them. You know what I'm talking about? Nope. Okay. Well, trust me on this. I could imagine. The bird spikes that now, they're very popular in Europe, but in Europe, they're being stolen by the thousands.

By whom? Tiny little gangsters. In a way, yeah, they are small. They're small? The boys. The birds themselves are stealing the bird spikes. Well, you know, birds make a lot of

enemies along the way. Yeah, exactly. The spikes have been disappearing and then showing up built into bird nests, which means the spikes are either great, sturdy construction material or the birds are building gated communities. We're worried about the robots taking over. We should be worried about the birds. That is terrifying. They are prepping for the

new epic. They are armed and dangerous. They are. Of course, you know, this may not end well. I mean, you steal some metal spikes, you build them into your nest, and your bird spouse says, you know, I was watching HGTV and that metal look is now out. I want to go back to a farmhouse-style nest. Exactly. I'm wondering how comfortable a nest made of bird-killing spikes might be. Exactly. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. One wrong move and you're a kebab. That's true.

Coming up, our panelists go on too long at our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Emmy Blotnick, Adam Felber, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson. And here again is your host at the Studebaker

Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Right now, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, hower Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hey, how's it going? Not too bad. Who's this? This is Mike Quinn from North Richland Hill, Texas. What do you do down there in Texas, Mike? I am a post-worker and part-time poet. Wait, you're a social worker and a part-time poet? That's right. Is poetry a career these days?

It is. All right. Is poetry a career these days? It is. All right. Minimalist poetry. There you go. I'm reconsidering my life choices. Okay. Well, Michael, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction.

Bill, what is Michael's topic? This should have ended years ago. And Bill is not talking about this show. He's talking about something we read about this week that we were amazed to find out had gone on for 34 years, a lot longer than perhaps it should have. Our panelists are going to tell you about this long-lasting thing. Pick the one who's telling the truth.

You'll win the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I am. All right. First, let's hear from Emmy Blotnick. This week, it was announced that the Toronto Police Headquarters will no longer be home to its own fully licensed bar. Since 1989, the Executive Officers Lounge

has been fully stocked for police officers to enjoy drinks right there in the station. But after 34 years, they've come to the sobering conclusion that police headquarters actually should not serve alcohol. This decision comes after a Toronto police officer went to the bar and then hours later crashed his service-issued vehicle on the highway. Don't worry, he's fine, so the story's still funny. But this serves as a good reminder why seatbelts are so important. You never know when there might be a cop on the road.

The Toronto Police Department finally shuts the bar in their own headquarters down after 34 years. Your next story of a long lapse of judgment comes from Joyelle Johnson. Mark Tallman of Sorrento, Florida, was never confident in his appearance. With a buck-tooth smile only a mother could love. As a child, he was teased relentlessly with comparisons to British royalty. So he spent his teen years alone in his house playing with his computer, which allowed him to make a fortune in the tech boom of the early 90s. So Talman decided to use his money to fix his smile and got braces, which changed his life. They gave him the confidence to date and meet his wife, Jess, four years into his tooth journey.

However, 34 years later, he refused to have the braces removed. His braces made me fall in love, but now it's a ridiculous addiction. He missed one of our kids' recitals for an orthodontist appointment. I've even had my hair caught in them more than once. Tallman has had the braces for so long that his original orthodontist has retired, but Jess Tallman is over it and has given him an ultimatum. It's either the braces or her. Asked if he thinks he can live once again without braces, he said, closed mouth, mm-mm. He said, closed mouth, uh-uh.

The man gets braces to fix his insecurity and refuses to take them off for 34 years. Your last story of a middle-aged misstep comes from Adam Felber. It was a sticky July afternoon in 1989 when Bill Cardulo of the legendary sandwich shop Bill's Beef got in a screaming fight with his friend, the shop's owner, Eddie Glynn, and Chef Bill took his Chicago-style Italian beef business elsewhere, but not far. He opened a new shop right down the street in Waukegan, Illinois, and called it Bill's Beef,

and the game was afoot, or a hoof. Over the next generation, the men kept at it, and the townsfolk found themselves getting their hot-festooned beef sandwiches under names like Famous Original Bill's Beef and Bill's Original Beef, the Real Bill's Beef, the Real Famous Original Bill's Beef, and the Only Real Bill's Beef. In time, the signage grew confrontational with placemats adorned with such slogans as The Shop That Started It All and The Bill's Beef. In time, the signage grew confrontational with placemats adorned with such slogans as the shop that started it all and the Bill's Beef that isn't a fraud. And if you go to the other Bill's Beef, may God have mercy on your immortal soul. But all that changed finally this year when a young chef by the name of William Gallo opened Billy's Beef half a mile away and

the two famous original Bills decided to bury the hatchet in the new Bill's back. Quote, We're settling this in the Chicago way, said Bill Cardullo. We're suing the crap out of that pencil-necked mofo. All right, so here are your choices, Michael. Was it from Emmy, the bar in the Toronto police headquarters, which stayed open despite the silliness of having a bar police headquarters?

From Joelle, a man who kept his braces on for 34 years just out of insecurity? Or from Adam, a beef between two stores called originally Bill's Beef. Which of these is the real thing that just lasted a little bit too long? The story about the braces. The story about the braces. You're going to choose Joyelle's story

about the man who kept his braces on for 34 years. Well, to bring you the real story, we spoke to someone who covered it. This bar was licensed in 1989 in the Toronto Police Services headquarters off College Street. That was Sam Riches, a reporter and producer with the National Post in Toronto, talking about the secret bar in the police services headquarters that was just closed down. So I'm sorry, Michael, but in fact, you were fooled by Jo-Yell. However, it's her first time,

right? So this is very exciting. Michael, thank you so much for playing. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask legends to do something nobody will remember after tomorrow. It's called Not My Job. Patti LuPone had her first big role on Broadway 50 years ago

when she created the role of Evita. That's right, whenever you have stood on a balcony and raised your arms directly up in the air, imagining cheering crowds, you're doing a LuPone. She's won three Tony Awards, countless other accolades, appeared in all kinds of films and TV shows. I am utterly thrilled she joins us now.

Patti LuPone, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you very much. It wasn't quite 50 years ago. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a long time ago. I know, I'm sorry. I apologize. I felt like, because I grew up in New Jersey,

and I felt like that amazing TV ad with you for the show Evita was on for at least the entire decade of the 70s. It was. Actually, it was, I made my Broadway debut 50 years ago. I spent 50 years in on Broadway. 1973 at the Billy Rose Theater, which is now the Nederlander. And I have

a story about birds and those spikes. We had to put the spikes on our windows because of the pigeons in New York City. And a pigeon, in fact, built her nest right in the spikes. And we thought, we first thought, when we first saw it, we thought she's impaled. She can't move. Right. Because it was in her wing. And no, she wasn't impaled. She was

sitting on two eggs. And the two eggs hatched. It's like they knew what to do among these spikes That's amazing. So it was crazy because the other thing was there was so much bird You think the pigeon was a fan of yours and that's why we're there It's like and the husband was like we can't stay there. There are the pigeon's like, but it's Patti LuPone's window. She might open it and do the Evita thing. That's her corner. Oh, yeah.

Well, okay. Let's get back to you. So let's get back to this. So 50 years ago, you made your Broadway debut, and you've had an astonishing career on Broadway, which leads me to my first question. I read recently that you've had an astonishing career on Broadway, which leads me to my first question. I read recently that you have said you're done with Broadway. Could that possibly be true? That is true. I mean, I'm not done with the stage, but I'm done with sort of,

I don't know what Broadway is anymore. I don't want to take the chance of, it's a lot of work. What I want to do is I want to make my downtown debut. I want to work on East 4th Street. So you want to do the whole theater career in reverse. You want to go from being the biggest Broadway star there is to playing in a cellar, probably naked, smeared with some food for no money at all. Yes, exactly. No, I want a Broadway salary downtown.

Good luck, Ms. Lowe. Good luck. That'll happen. Hey, Patty, Adam Felber here. I have a question. Maybe you can help me. I've got a 15-year-old son whose sole ambition is to move to New York

and be on Broadway. So as a Broadway legend, do you recommend that I send him to military school or break his leg? Oh, don't send him to military school. He's going to be in military school on Broadway. Seriously, you know, it's people, I don't understand why people want to be on Broadway. It is extremely hard. You have to be an athlete and a monk. You know, there's such joy in it. There's ecstasy in it. And there's also incredible pain and depression in it.

It is show business. It's a subjective business. And you can be in a hit or you can give your life to a flop. And you just have to roll with the punches. And sometimes that's really, really hard. So break his legs. Break his legs. I was about to ask you

if we could have you say that all again but with some stirring background music. That's beautiful. And another thing that happens, as I need not tell you, is sometimes you're doing all that work and somebody pulls out their cell phone and I just want to speak for everybody on every

stage in front of an audience everywhere to thank you for what you did famously. I understand the story. You were doing a play at Lincoln Center, and some guy was like, of course I'm thinking it's a guy, only guys would be this rude, texting through the entire show, and you just reached out and grabbed his cell phone? Well, it was a woman. Oh, excuse me.

It was at the Mitzi New House, which is a smaller theater than the Vivian Beaumont. It was an off-Broadway house, so it's a smaller house. And she was in full light. And her husband or her boyfriend was watching the play. And she was texting for the entire first act. And everybody could see her texting. And at the intermission, there's only five of us in the play. We come off stage and we go, did you see that woman texting?

Yeah, yeah. She's not going to be back. She was bored out of her mind. We start the second act and she's still texting. It's the second act. She hasn't put the phone down. I don't know if she's on eBay. I don't know what the hell she's doing. I don't know what she's doing. Dale's talking

and I'm thinking, how am I going to get that phone? Have you ever wondered what actors are doing when the other actor is speaking? Now you know. So you're thinking to yourself, how am I going to... Yeah, well, I make an exit on that side of the stage, and my line is, and remember,

community theater has the word community in it, and I would go and I would shake the hands of the people in the first row on that side of the stage where she was texting but I didn't shake their hands that night I just went up to her placed my right hand on her shoulder

and palmed the phone out of her lap and I couldn't believe I got it and I got on stage I got the phone! and the audience the audience on the other side of the stage gasped and applauded. And then backstage, the stage manager was in the gods someplace. He said, thank God you got the phone. I gave it to the assistant stage manager.

They gave it to the house manager. I should have held on to it. Yes. I said, if she wants the phone back, she's got to come and answer some questions that I'm going to ask. Or you just could have answered every text by saying, I'm sorry I didn't respond. I was seeing the most amazing play. Well, Patti LuPone, I could talk to you all day, but mainly we have you here to play our game. And this time we're calling it...

LuPone, meet LuPine. That's right. LuPine. LuPine, meaning, as I'm sure you know, pertaining to wolves. We're going to ask you three questions about our LuPine friends. And if you answer two of them correctly, you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, any voice they might choose for their voicemail. Bill, who is Patty LuPone playing for? Chib Church of Orlando, Florida. All right. You

ready to do this? I am. All right. Here is your first question. In 2011, a 13-year-old boy in Norway encountered a pack of wolves while walking home from school, and he survived that dangerous encounter by thinking quickly and doing what? A, taking off his headphones and blasting the heavy metal band Creed at full volume to scare the wolves away. B, he offered them generous social welfare benefits in return for not eating him.

Or C, he lulled them to sleep by performing a one-man version of Henrik Ibsen's Enemy of the People. He's got to be Creed. Yeah. Is that why you're choosing Creed, the band Creed? He has to be Creed. That's right.

Yes, absolutely. All right. Two more questions. A man committed an armed robbery of an Illinois bank a while ago while wearing a big wolf mask. No one was hurt in the incident, but there was collateral damage of a kind. What happened? A, a local German shepherd was wrongfully arrested for the crime. B, local news anchors reporting the story couldn't stop laughing at the mask and could not continue the newscast. Or C, two days later, someone at the bank called the police when a guy with a big beard walked in. Oh, dear. I'm going to go with the newscasters laughing. You're exactly right,

Patty. That's what happened. To be fair, it was a is a lot of werewolf erotica out there. So which of the following is a real title from the goodreads.com list of best werewolf erotica? erotica. Here are the choices. Which of these are on Goodreads.com's list of best werewolf erotica? A. How to flirt with a naked werewolf. B. His purr-fect

mate. Or C. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. What was the second one again? His perfect mate. I'm going to go with the first one. You're right, but all of them were. What?

All of them are on the list. A lot of mysteries here. First of all, werewolves don't purr. They don't purr. They don't purr. They don't purr. They don't purr. They don't purr. They don't purr. Second, and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone has no werewolves in it.

We checked. Bill, how did Patty LuPone do in our quiz? Patty, you are perfect in this game. Three right. You are a champion. Perfect, Patty. perfect in this game. Three right. You are a champion. Perfect, Patty.

Patty LuPone is a legend, as you all now know, of both stage and screen. Patty LuPone, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. What a joy to talk to you. Thank you. Bye-bye. In just a minute,

we tell you about an Airbnb you'll definitely want to avoid, and our listener limerick challenge, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Wait, Wait to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Adam Felber, Emmy Blotnick, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill's punishment fits the rhyme in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from this week's news. Emmy, in Peru, there's no more room in the special prison they built just to house whom? Who are they putting in the Peruvian? Is it like turtles? No, it's like turtles. What do the turtles do? There might be too many turtles. You gotta put some of them away. No, it's, I'll give you a hint. We have the White House while they have the Big House.

Presidents? Yes, presidents. They have run out of room in the special jail built just for presidents. So they, the nation of Peru, built this comfy little VIP jail that first housed former President Alberto Fujimori, who was serving 25 years. And the jail,

they built it, it has three units, but they underestimated how much their presidents would be into crimes. Where is this reality show? I know. This is begging for it. You just single-handedly extended the writer's strike, because now they've got that to put on every channel. I know.

One of the issues might be that this prison is a little too nice. The prison cells are more like apartments. They even have vegetable gardens outside. It's less prison camp than prison Camp David. It's a prison courtyard inn. It really is. They have a practice only prison with a breakfast bar. All right.

Emmy, according to the New York Times, what dairy product is suddenly making a big comeback? Cottage cheese, baby. Yes, cottage cheese, Emmy. It's hot cottage cheese summer. It really is, yes. Cottage cheese, named for the one time an old woman in a cottage left milk out unrefrigerated, is making a comeback, according to the New York Times. They report Google searches for cottage cheese this month were the highest they've been since 2004, presumably from people asking WebMD, what's wrong with their milk? I've always said that should be the slogan for cottage cheese.

It looks expired when it isn't. And people on TikTok, where all the trends start these days, note that cottage cheese, which was made famous by your grandma and by room temperature salad bars, is very high in protein, can be garnished with sweet or savory toppings. Some people are mixing cottage cheese with mustard and calling it a dip. What? I call it the poor man's ozempic. But you know what?

What, Adam? You can do a lot with cottage cheese. Like, if you get cottage cheese, slice up some cucumber, and then put in some medium or hot salsa, you got yourself a plate of cottage cheese, salsa, and cucumber there. And if you mix it with mustard, then that's what you have. Then you've managed to hide your mustard where no one will ever look for it. But it's weird.

I mean, I guess it's okay. I mean, if you think about it, it's just like a fresh milk cheese. That's their new slogan. If you think about it. Cottage cheese. I guess it's okay. Cottage cheese. Pineapple might help.

Emmy, new research shows that if you're stressed, you can calm down by surrounding yourself with snakes. All right? Hang with me for a second. There's one crucial thing to make this work, though. In order to be calmed down by being surrounded with snakes, you have to be what? Sedated?

No. You have to be... Oh, it's a twist. You have to also be a snake. That's right, Emmy! What the heck? Surrounding yourself with snakes is a surefire way to calm down if you are a snake. If you are a human, this is a bad idea.

Unless you're some kind of snake freak, in which case, man, if it works, it works for you, brother. No, the study actually showed that snakes are calmer when they are around other snakes. When they have a, quote, companion, they can more easily handle stressful situations. And this is true. Rattle snakes are less likely to rattle if they are in a bucket with another snake. Oh, I saw that in Indiana Jones. You saw that, yeah. This is weird, though, because if I happen to be in a bucket, I do not think I would find it calming to have a lot of other people in the bucket rubbing against me.

That's why you don't live in New York anymore. Right. That's just the subway and rush hour. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

You can catch us here most weeks at the beautiful Studebaker Theatre in downtown Chicago, or you can see us in Ann Arbor, Michigan at the Hill Auditorium on Friday, September 1st. And at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles on September 28th. Plus, the Wait-Wait Stand-Up Tour is on the road coming to the Los Angeles on September 28th. Plus, the Wait, Wait Stand-Up Tour is on the road coming to the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota on August 18th. And the Uptown Theater in Kansas City on August 19th. Tickets and more info for all of this

is at nprpresents.org. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Brianna from Encinitas, California. Encinitas, that's in like Southern California near San Diego, right? Yes, North County, San Diego. North County, San Diego. And what do you do there in that beautiful place? I design activewear. You design activewear? Okay. Could you do me a favor and design some bicycle gear that doesn't look like bicycle gear at all? Yeah, I know what you mean. Thank you. Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Brianna. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks

with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to go? Yes. All right, here is your first limerick. This live stream has tied me in knots. Will three cherries align in their spots?

On this one-armed bandit, he'll finally land it. I am watching a guy playing playing Oh, Slots! Slots! There you go! The hot new trend on YouTube, according to the Wall Street Journal, is slot machine live streamers, right?

This is where someone plays slot machines for hours while hundreds of thousands of people watch them do it. Oh, boy. I know that seems crazy. Who would want to watch someone playing slots? But then again, people watch baseball. watch baseball. Apparently, there's a massive market for this, with some people making more money from YouTube and the ads than they lose at the slots. That means watching other people play slots at 10 a.m. joins the list of things people would rather do than spend time with their loved ones. All right, here is your next limerick. It's post-COVID's

return of slick trails. We have hard shelves, so safety prevails. But we're still far from slow. Just watch that escargot. It's the comeback of fast racing... Snails.

Snails, yes, after years of pandemic cancellations, the Snail Racing World Championship in England is back. That's great, but if you're going, how do you get that many snails on an international flight? Don't they count as liquid? The snails race exactly 13 inches from the start to the finish line, hoping both to beat the world record and that there are no birds nearby. By the way, Peter, snails are not liquids. They're gels. Oh, yeah.

Just explain that to the TSA guy. Have you ever seen a baby race? Like actual human babies. Yeah, they do this at like basketball games. They'll just, yeah, irresponsible parents will just place their babies on the floor and they'll try to get them to crawl to the other parent and you see which baby don't like the other parent. You know, I'm not an NBA fan, but I'm reconsidering that now. I will watch a baby race. All right, I will watch a baby race.

All right. Here is your last limerick. This no-star review lets my wrath boom. Strike Airbnb from my path, Zoom. My sleep, you will spoil it. That close to the toilet. It's a bed by the sink in the... Bathroom. Bathroom, yes.

You got it, you got it, you got it. Apologies to everyone. From now on, you can only accidentally stumble on the second worst Airbnb in the world because when a man named David Holtz arrived at his London Airbnb, he discovered it was not, in fact, the studio apartment it was advertised as, but just a large bathroom with a bed in it. Well, technically, that's one bedroom, one bath. That's true.

Well, he did think he was getting an en suite bathroom, but he got an in suite bathroom. I think it might be nice because you wake up in the middle of the night, you have to go to the bathroom, you don't have to get out of bed. You should probably get out of bed even so. It's really just a question of your aim at that point. At a certain age, bed in the bathroom saves time. Bill, how did Brianna do in our quiz?

Brianna, you won 3-0. Congratulations. Yay. Thank you. Thank you so much. Brianna, thanks for playing and take care. Bye, you too. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Emmy and Joyelle each have three. Adam has two.

Okay. Adam, that means you are in second place, so you'll go first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the Secret Service ended its investigation into the cocaine found at the blank. White House. Yes. On Wednesday, members of the NATO Summit in Lithuania pledged continued support for blank.

Ukraine. Yes. This week, Iowa's Republican-controlled legislature passed a six-week blank ban. Abortion. Yes, this week, the CDC reported that cases of norovirus aboard blanks have hit a 10-year high. Planes. No, cruise ships. On Wednesday, Disney announced they were extending CEO blank's contract through 2026. Eiger. Yes, for the first time since 2012, the National League won the blank game. All-star game. Yes, this week, time since 2012, the National League won the blank game. All-star game. Yes. This week, a man who was caught scratching Ivan plus Haley, 2023, into the side of the

Colosseum in Rome issued an apology. He said blank. He didn't realize how old it was. That's exactly right. He said that he had, quote, no idea the Colosseum was so ancient, unquote. This English tourist defaced the landmark while visiting Rome with his girlfriend, presumably so they could admire all of Italy's super modern architecture. Police investigating the vandalism say they believe the man's apology is sincere.

They just wish he had not written it on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Bill, how did Adam do in our quiz? Adam had six right, 12 more points. Total of 14 puts him in the lead. All right. Well, wow. Well, I got it. I'm going to arbitrarily pick Joyelle to go next.

Joyelle, you ready for this? I don't think as fast as you speak, but let's go. All right. Here we go. Joyelle, fill in the blank. After negotiations with the Hollywood producers ended without an agreement, Blank voted to strike on Thursday. SAG, AFTRA, and Fran Drescher. Exactly. On Tuesday,

North Korea fired another long-range Blank. Missile. Yes. After 50 years, Leslie Van Houten, a one-time follower of Blank, was released from prison. Marilyn Manson. No, Charles Manson. Yes. On Wednesday, Anchor, America's oldest blank, announced it was suspending operations. Seminary school. No, America's oldest craft brewery, makers of Anchor Steam. This week, Burger King unveiled a new vegetarian option at select locations in Asia, a bun with blank on it. Black sesame seeds? No, a bun with 20 slices of American cheese.

Ew. The new quote-unquote burger is over an inch and a half of just American cheese slices and is already drawing rave reviews like, I may not try it again, and it's like it hates me and wants to punish me. If you're

going to stack it like that, why are you slicing it? That's a good question. Bill, how did Joyelle do in our quiz? She's in there. Three right. Six more points. A total of nine. And that's pretty good, Joyelle.

Yes. First time. That's nice. All right. Emmy Blotnick awaits to take the crown. How many does she need to do it? Six to win. All right, Emmy.

Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the State Department revealed it was. Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the State Department revealed it was the target of a successful hacking attempt from blank. Russia. China, the other one. On Thursday, the FDA approved the first over-the-counter blank pill. Birth control. Yes. This week, scientists reported that due to climate change, blanks are changing color. Fish. The oceans. According to new data, the U.S. blank rate has fallen to a two-year low. The U.S. Oh, inflation. Yes, very good. new data, the U.S. blank rate has fallen to a two-year low. The U.S.

Oh, inflation. Yes, very good. This week, the leader of Australia's family first party accused the penguins at the Sydney Zoo of blanking. Slipping and sliding? No. Of only pretending to be gay. On Monday, Mark Zuckerberg announced that over 100 million people had signed up for his new social media app Blank.

Threads? Yes. According to new data, COVID-19 repeatedly spread between humans and Blanks. Turtles? No. Ha-choo. Ha-choo! Deer. This week, a man in California was sentenced to six years in prison for running a multi-million dollar Ponzi scheme centered around blank.

Muscle milk. No! Cow manure. Oh, close. Very close. A man named Ray Brewer scammed investors out of over $8 million by claiming he could convert cow manure into clean energy that could then be sold for huge profits.

Boy, if there were only some clue that what those people were investing in was BS. Bill, did Emmy do well enough to win? Well, she tied Joelle at nine, which means Adam is our winner with 14. We're just thrilled we tied.

I didn't lose fully, so... That was delightful with Adam winning, and you two congratulating each other. We're like twins! Twin losers! Solidarity at its best. That was pretty awesome. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict, now that both writers and actors are on strike, what will

next season's top TV show be? But first, let me tell you that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Aircraft Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godica, Reza Lemarex. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shane O'Donnell. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theatre. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King.

Special thanks this week to Blythe Robertson, Monica Hickey, and our old friend Gary Yak. Our young Willy Wonka is Peter Gwynn. Our vibe curator is Emma Choi. Technical directors from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

is Michael Danforth. Now, panel, now that the writers and actors aren't going to work, what will be the next season's hit TV show? Emmy Blotnick. A test of the emergency broadcasting system. That's good. Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

Comedians in cars driving for Uber. And Adam Felber. Meta-reality shows like Inside Keeping Up with the Kardashians and The Making of Inside Keeping Up with the Kardashians. And Son of the True History of Backstage at the Making of Inside the Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and the making of Inside Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and son of the true history of backstage at the making of Inside the Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Very good. And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you

about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Joelle Nicole Johnson, Emmy Blotnick, and I'm Melba. Thanks to my fabulous audience here at the Studio Baker Theater. All of you listening at home. I'm Peter Segal. And we'll see you next week. This is NPR.