Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.

Episode Date: March 1, 2025

This week, special guest Roy Wood Jr. joins panelists Tom Bodett, Helen Hong, and Paula PoundstoneLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

It's Oscar season and we watched the nominated movies so you don't have to. We are making some bold predictions for Hollywood's biggest night and we may help you win your Oscar's pool. Listen to the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast from NPR. From NPR and the B-E-Z Chicago, this is Wait, wait, don't tell me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm back, bitches. I'm Bill Curtis and here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. But just to say it again, thank you, Bill. We're so glad to have you back. Now, a lot of people have actually gotten in touch to ask, maybe with some concern, where you've been these last six weeks. Can you reveal it? I can't reveal much, but let's just say this Brazilian butt lift didn't happen on its own Well, it's great to have you back and we're also delighted that comedian Roy Wood Jr Will be joining us later to play our games and mainly we are delighted that you folks listening can also call in to play The number is one triple eight wait wait, that's one eight That's 1-888-924-8924.

Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Hey. Hey, who is this? This is Adam from Kansas City. Oh, it's a great town. We were there just a few months ago. What do you do there? I'm a musician and I do mortgage loans. So you're a musician, but like on nights and weekends, you do mortgage loans because that's your true passion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone's got to pay the bill. Yeah, you sit there gigging, you know, doing your music

and you're thinking, wow, tonight I get to originate a mortgage. Nailed it. Yeah, well, welcome to the show, Adam. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, a comedian who will be performing at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco on March 23rd. It's Helen Hong. Hi, Adam.

Hi, everybody. Next, he is a humorist, a tool impresario, and the founder of Hatch Space Community Woodworking Shop and School in Brattleboro, Vermont. It's Tom Bodette. Hey Adam. And a comedian who will be in St. Paul, Minnesota on March 21st at the Fitzgerald Theatre. You might have heard of that. It's Paula Poundstone. Hey Adam. So Adam, welcome to the show. You're gonna start us off with who's Bill this time. I'm so pleased to say Bill Curtis back with us

is gonna read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of anyone from our show. You might choose on your voicemail. You ready to go? Yes. All right, let's do it. Here is your first quote.

List five things you did last week. All right, Adam, who got that email? Me. Wasn't it supposed to be every government employee? Yes, every federal employee. Wow. Including some in this room. Including somebody in the audience, yes.

Employees at every federal government agency received an email from the Office of Personnel Management over the weekend requiring them to list five things they had accomplished that week or they would lose their jobs. This is part of Elon Musk's crusade to fire as many government workers as he can. You know, the people who waste taxpayer money doing useless busy work like keeping planes from running into each other. I think this would be hard for anybody in any industry. Well, that's the thing. I mean, I couldn't do it. I can't think of three things I did in my life.

I can think of one thing. I'm a stand-up comedian, so my first thing was think of a funnier word than spatula. And then it just devolved from there. Right. Is there a funnier word than spatula. And then it just devolved from there. Right. Is there a funnier word than spatula? No, not that I could find. That was the, yeah. I'm self-employed, so I knew the note was coming. Who sent it?

Did you send it to yourself? I did, yes. Yeah. You were like, it's time to see what that poundstone woman does to earn her keep. I'll tell you something. Sometimes I see that look in my eye and I know, heads are going to roll. But apparently, you know, some people like got it in coped and attitude. You want five things I did last week? Your mom, your mom, your mom, your dad, and your mom.

That was definitely from someone at the DMV. Probably. All right. Here is your next quote, Adam. This is the best thing that happened to sports in a long, long time. That was somebody over on Twitter reacting to the latest attempt to modernize baseball. For spring training, Major League Baseball is trying out umpires who are what? AI? Yes, they're robot umpires.

Very good. During spring training, Major League Baseball is experimenting with robot umpires to help call balls and strikes. The technology required to do this is amazing. Do you know how complicated it is to weld on a protective cup? Who is, are they going to teach the robots to spit? Because that's all I see them doing ever is spitting and chewing gum and then making like

weird hand gestures. You're not a baseball fan. There'll be a little port that'll just spit out sunflower seeds every once in a while. No, what it is is it's an automated system that uses lasers and cameras to judge the strike zone and see where the ball goes in it and they act as fact-checkers for the human up. So if a player thinks the ump got a call wrong, he can appeal to the robot and they get better results if they start the request with, oh my silicon overlord. I beseech your judgment. Well it seems like there's a lot of jobs

opening up for robots. I think when I get that that prompt, are you a robot? I'm gonna start saying yes. Yeah. Yeah, Elon Musk can send out a note to the robots tell tell me five things you did this week. Is there ever an end to the baseball season? I feel like. Another fan. Yeah. It's not that I dislike it.

I just feel like, well, aren't there some months where they play it and then they stop? Yeah, they generally stop. But then there's more talk about it. That's when we talk about it. I see. Adam, your last quote is a headline from The Economist. Amazon gains a thrilling new asset.

What thrilling and handsome new asset did Amazon just acquire the rights to? Oh my gosh. Can you give me a clue? I can give you a hint like instead of one day delivery it'll be 007 days delivery. Oh God, James Bond. James Bond, yes they bought the rights to James Bond. I hope when you give me hints they're a lot like that last one because that was all but packaged for Adam.

Yeah, it's true. Amazon has bought the rights to the James Bond franchise, which is good. I guess they'll make more movies, but it will not be the same when Q is like, I know you're used to carrying a Walther PPK 007, but Amazon's choice is a major seven-shot handgun with carrying case. Yeah, and of course they've made, they haven't made, they haven't announced exactly what they're gonna do with them, but they have said in the first Amazon-made Bond movie he'll be fighting a true global supervillain local bookstores. And I thought he was dead. And of course it's not just gonna be movies

because they own the whole IP as the saying is. They could make a 007 sitcom where James Bond lives in Brooklyn with his quirky waitress roommate trying to make ends meet. They could make a kid's version. James Bond babies. Jimmy Bond. Exactly. Where he fights like gold pinky. No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to cry. Hahaha. Do you think Jeff Bezos just bought it because he was like pussy galore? Hehehehehe. Hahaha.

No, he did ask people once he bought it. He did ask people on Twitter who they thought the next James Bond should be because Daniel Craig is retired, you know. also asking, can James Bond be bald? And should it be me? Bill, how did Adam do on our quiz? The name is Bond, and he did very well. Three in a row. Congratulations, Adam.

Well done. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Helen, it's well documented that mood swings are one of the side effects of hormonal birth control. I say this as a feminist and an ally.

Don't I know it? Well, one woman who started taking a new birth control recently reported a rather surprising side effect. What? Uh, having a baby? Whoopsie. That would be a very interesting side effect. That would be a horrible side effect.

Can I have a hint? Yes, she really, really, really wants to know if you'll still need him when he's 64. Being obsessed with Paul McCartney? Specifically, yes, worrying about him dying. What? That's a side effect of a birth control? Yeah, birth control. That's really specific.

That's so specific. I know, it's very strange. It's a little weird, that's the thing. Because I want to know that birth control is a scientific marvel, it can protect you from pregnancy and make you cry at every TV commercial, right? I mean, the avocados came all the way from Mexico. That is so beautiful. Anyway, but this woman says that she experienced a very strange symptom. She went on a new kind of birth control. She cannot stop worrying about Paul McCartney dying. According to the woman, quote, every time I think of him, I start weeping.

Doctors are concerned, it's not serious, but still, they're trying a new prescription and it has different side effects. This one, for example, makes you want to murder Paul McCartney. I was gonna say, how did she know that it was specifically that? She got off it and she was like, oh, screw that guy. Pretty much, yeah.

Wow. And then she went back on it, she was like, oh, Paul, guy. Pretty much, yeah. Wow. And then she went back on it. She was like, oh, pull. Wings is the best. That is weird. I'd like to see some more studies on that, I think. Yeah, I think that's a little weird. I think that their sample size was one.

No, the doctors do say that this weeping over Paul McCartney, that's within normal limits for mood swings brought on by hormonal changes. They would only start getting concerned if she was weeping over Ringo. You know? No, I disagree. I think, again, I feel that Ringo is within, you know.

More parameters, right. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I have no reason to go on birth control, but I would be willing to go on birth control and worry about Ringo. I just can't contribute to this. You can after you take this. Is there a Viagra version where if you took Viagra, Tom, you'd be like, oh no, Hootie

and the Blue Fish. Probably. Hootie and the Blue Fish. Hootie and the Blue Fish, yeah. Okay, so there is a side effect where you mispronounce older bands' names. Yes. Yeah. Oh, the bottles.

I love the bottles. Yeah. Oh, Peter, Paul, and Murray. Oh my God, I love them. Coming up, our panelists dressed to impress in our bluff listener game called 1, called 1-triple-8, Wait, Wait to Play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR in WBEZ, Chicago, this is

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, who we are playing this week with Helen Hong, Tom Baudet, and Paula Poundstone. And here I get as your host at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago, Illinois, Peter Segel. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Thank you all so much. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game called 1-tri game called one triple eight wait wait to play our game on the air or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at

waitwait NPR hi, you're on wait wait. Don't tell me hi. This is Samara. I'm calling from Jersey City, New Jersey Jersey City, New Jersey How are you? Samara, what do you do there? Well, actually I you know, I raised my kids here and this is the first year they're both off to college, so I'm an empty nested. Wow. Some people find that depressing, but those people, they're nuts.

How are you enjoying it? It's okay. My dog and I have sort of a co-dependent relationship now. We hang out together and my husband just deals with us, so it's okay. Well, it's great to have you with us, Samara. You are going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is your topic? That's why I always do a fit check.

An outfit can say a lot about a person, show off their personality, show off the head mustard for lunch. Our panel is going to tell you about a whole new reason to care about what you wear. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win the weight waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to go? I'm ready, let's go. All right, here we go. First, let's hear from Helen Hong. We've all done it. Spilled red wine on a white blouse or smeared cherry pie on a brand new white dress shirt. But why do we do it? Scientists now may have an answer.

Researchers in the deliciousness lab at the University of Pennsylvania Hershey campus noticed a strange pattern in their taste test data. Very different reactions to the same foods based on the color of your outfit. You may know intellectually that it's a terrible mistake to eat a bright yellow curry with your fingers, but if you're wearing white, your intellect seems to be taken out of the question, one researcher told Flavor Studies Weekly. The scientists have no theory as to why white clothing makes everything taste better, and dry cleaners hope they never do.

A scientific study proving that wearing white just makes you want to eat those messy foods. Your next story in style comes from Tom Baudet. Before you head down to the river with your fly rod to outsmart some fish, you might think about wearing something other than your lucky shirt. Fish, it turns out, can remember what you wore last week when they watched you yank their buddy out of the weeds by the lips. They won't look at a thing you throw them. Researchers at the Max Planck Institute of Animal Behavior have established through a series of

experiments with actual fish over 12 days in the Mediterranean that fish can remember what people wear. The experiments were based on divers feeding fish while dressed one way and noting how the fish would go to any diver dressed that way and would not go back to the same diver dressed another way. It's science. Researcher Malin Tomasek said in a statement, it really shows that we have strong misconceptions of fish cognition. The team hopes their study could make humans reconsider the way they treat fish. Like, maybe don't keep changing your clothes when you feed them just to mess with their little heads. Fish can remember what you were wearing and they probably have opinions about it. Your last outfit bit comes from Paula Poundstone.

Police in Bay City, Wisconsin arrested Virginia Welpner at the local International House of Pancakes on a charge of indecent exposure. I spilled boysenberry syrup on my lap. I thought it was maple, says Welpner. I was halfway to the ladies' room before the whole top of my leggings was just gone. I wasn't just running around the IHOP with my Mary Ellen on display. There was a cop right there eating and he didn't believe me. Biochemist Andrea Michaels says, this particular spandex synthetic fabric not only disintegrates

instantly on contact with boysenberry syrup, but also erodes any other fabric the combination has contact with. It's a phenomenon we've never encountered before. Not that many people use the boysenberry syrup. The Prescott Arizona Methodist Church Pancake Prayer Breakfast had several exposures that included Arizona State Legislator Quang Nguyen and Pastor Paul Matlock. I didn't even want boysenberry syrup. It was the only one not being used, claims Pastor Matlock. I didn't even want poison berry syrup. It was the only one not being used, claims Pastor Matlock.

All right then. An interesting discovery about clothing made this week, and reported by one of our panelists, which is it? Is it from Helen, the discovery that white clothes actually make your food taste better, which is why you end up smearing it on the white clothes. From Tom, fish can remember what you were wearing from the last time they saw you,

and you know, maybe they won't like it that you've changed. Or from Paula Poundstone, boysenberry syrup, the kind they have at IHOP, can dissolve most clothing fabrics. Which of these is the real story that we found about clothing in the news? Oh my goodness. Let's try Helen's story about the color in the food. You're going to try Helen's story about the fact that wearing white clothing makes you just crave the foods that will stain. No.

I was just testing you. Thanks Peter. You were just testing. Thanks Peter. Alright, so it's Tom's story about the fish. I was just testing you. Thanks, Peter. You were just testing. Thanks, Peter. All right, so it's Tom's story about the fish. So you're changing your mind. You're going to go, all right, with Tom's story, OK? All right. Well, to find out if that was the right choice, let's listen to this.

It kind of goes against our understanding of fish as, like, maybe not the smartest creatures. That was Sarah Hashemi, who is a science journalist at the Smithsonian Magazine. Congratulations, Samara. You got it right. You earned a point for Tom, and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Congratulations, Samara. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And now the game where we ask famous people about obscure things. It's called Not My Job. Roy Wood Jr. became famous in the last decade or so on The Daily Show, but he's been doing stand-up since he was 19. He's got a new stand-up special now out on Hulu lonely flowers And he's also the host of have I got news for you on CNN Which is of all things a comedy quiz show about the week's news

What an idea Roywood jr. Welcome to wait wait don't tell me This is a nice concept Don't tell me. Hey. This is a nice concept. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

We've had comedians on the show. We've had podcasters on the show. We've had game show hosts on the show. We've never had anybody who has exactly my job on the show. So it's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it, Roy? It's very hard. Yeah. This is very difficult.

Yeah. I don't have smooth Bill. It's very hard. Yeah. This is very difficult. I don't have smooth Bill Curtis. I make everything feel better. Look at the smile on his face, Peter. You can tell it's not hard for him at all. He's just trying to get you off his back. I have another show that I'm getting ready to host called Fortune of the Wheel. Letters, sentences.

Yeah, sentences. Very smart. I want to talk about your new special, Lonely Flowers, which is truly great on Hulu. And I found out some things about you that, and this is my fault, I did not know, including that you started doing standup when you were 19 years old. Yeah. Which is amazing. I was still in school at Florida A&M.

And what inspired you to pursue that difficult life? It didn't seem difficult. It was just like, you just drive and talk to strangers and I get paid in Goldschlager and Rumplemintz. This seems like an ideal career path. I was going to school for journalism and I would get laughs. And so I was like, all right, well, this feels like comedy.

I'm going to go do that. And I would just sleep in bus stations and do stand up, get back to Tallahassee on Monday, and go to Golden Corral that night, work, and just go to class the next three days. That was my life. There are a couple of things about that that I want to ask you about, one of which

is that you've said that that job at Golden Corral, which is a buffet, was like one of the most important formative experiences of your life. Yeah, I think that every American should either serve in the military a year or the food service industry for three years. Those two, because especially the restaurant industry, because when you work in a restaurant, especially a mid-size like that with a staff of about 40 to 50 back in front of house, that job,

your first job as a teenager, that's the first time you encounter adults who don't give a s*** about you. Most adults, I'm serious, most adults in your life up until that point have a vested interest in you being okay. But I worked with a dude we literally called Cocaine Mike. This is a man who's 39 and doesn't care what 18 year old Roy, and he's going to talk to you about life. And I feel like it also introduces you to every type of American. I worked in

North Florida so everything from white supremacists to nuns to pastors to gangbangers to... you meet literally every type of person and you have to figure out a way to connect with them. It's hands down the best life school I ever got was 213 an hour in Tallahassee, Florida Reaches out to all of their like, oh, this is macy Gray. She used, look at Macy Gray. Put on the apron. They never reach out. Really? This is the first time I have ever

wanted to go to a Golden Corral in my life. But here's the question. You've been pretty famous for at least a decade on TV, The Daily Show, a lot of other things. Has anybody who knew you back then reached out and said, well, I was the white supremacist. Remember me? I was the guy with the Nazi tattoo.

I'm Cocaine Mike. For example. I don't know where Cocaine Mike is, but I sure hope that prison has NPR in it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

There's another story you tell in the special, which I actually, and I was unexpected because it's extremely funny and I didn't expect to be moved. You start back when you were staying in bus stations because you couldn't afford hotel. And the story is that your mother found out. Somebody ratted you out to your mom.

And she didn't know you were out doing comedy, right? She had a student that was a baggage handler at the bus station. And she went to her class. She was a college professor. And he went to my mom's class the next day and said, Dr. Wood, I saw your son sleeping in a bus station and he went to her class, she was a college professor, and he went to my mom's class the next day and said, Dr. Wood, I saw your son sleeping at the bus station.

You ain't seen none of my damn son sleeping at the bus station. My baby in Tallahassee. No, he's not, Joyce. He's downtown, he's sleeping at the bus station. And so my mom never agreed or understood why comedy was what I wanted to do, but she was the one who put down for what ended up being my first road car because she didn't want me sleeping

in bus stations. And it was essentially, I don't know why you do this, but you seem focused. Your grades have gotten better. Here's a car so you won't sleep in the bus stations." To which I said, thank you. And like that car extended my reach, it changed everything. And I think my mom's objective was to give me the car so that I could drive back to Tallahassee after the show, but instead I would now just travel twice as far and and sleep in the car in bus station parking lots. Well Roy, it is so great to talk to you

and we have asked you here to play a little game with us. This time we're calling the game, Have We Got Booze for You. So you host CNN's, Have I Got News for You. We're gonna ask you three questions about ghosts and hauntings boo I believe in ghosts by the way you do do you have any reason? Yeah, leaving ghosts yeah

I was I was dating a widower and we were trying to have sex and I kept getting the Charlie horse And I feel like it was a dead Does Joyce know about this? No, she doesn't know about this. My baby ain't having no sex around no book. Oh, Joyce. You can't say that. This isn't CNN, Roy. We can't go blue here on NPR.

Well, all right, knowing both your belief in the supernatural and the reasons, therefore, I will still proceed. Bill, who is Roy Wood Jr. playing for? Peter Grieving of Cluxville, Georgia. All right, here's your first question. One of the most famous hauntings in U.S. history was the Red Ghost, the spirit that haunted rural Arizona in the late 1800s. People were quite relieved though when the Red Ghost turned out to be what? Was it A, a vaudeville comedian who was trying to promote himself as being, quote, dead, funny? who is trying to promote himself as being, quote, dead, funny, be a basset hound,

which no one in Arizona had ever seen before, or see a feral camel that had been a part of a failed camel cavalry in the U.S. Army? Ooh. That feels like a C. Give me C, give me the camel cavalry. You got it, and that's correct. Nice. It was a sea. Give me the camel cavalry. You got it, and that's correct. It was a camel.

It had run away from the camel cavalry. It was out enjoying itself. People would see it and get scared. The Army Camel Corps, by the way, was created by Jefferson Davis, one of his many, many good ideas. All right. All right. Second question. Every country has their own legends of

ghosts, their own versions. In Japan, for example, you could be visited in the middle of the night by a kamikiri, a ghost that does what? A. Gives you a really, really bad haircut. B. Just sits, looks at you, shakes its head, sighs, and leaves. Or C. Raids your refrigerator and invariably steals what you were saving for lunch the next day. I don't... Japan has a lot of customs around food, so I don't think a ghost would be disrespectful on the food side of things. Not even a ghost. Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah. It's a lot of logic. Give me bad haircut. I've seen some bad haircuts in Asia. I've been over there a couple of times. Maybe it was a ghost that did it. So your choice is A, the haircut. Roy is right.

He picked correctly. Wow. It is. Okay. Stories spread back in olden days about people walking down the streets of Japan and all of a sudden their hair would fall to the ground without them noticing. It was the kamikiri! You're doing very well, Roy.

One more question for you. Last question. A lot of people believe ghosts are real. In fact, so many people believe in ghosts. Which of these is true? A. In New Mexico, you can drive in the carpool lane if you have a ghost in the car. B, Vermont taxpayers are allowed to claim a ghost as a dependent. Or C, if you are selling a home in New York, you have to disclose if it is haunted.

As much as I want to believe that New York has to declare ghosts, New York won't even declare bad pipes. Moving to these places and it's all types of stuff. Vermont seems like a nice, fun, happy-go-lucky type of place. Give me claiming a ghost on the taxes. No, it was in fact if you sell a house in New York, you have to tell people if you believe the house is haunted. Bill, how did Roy Wood Jr. do in our quiz?

Two out of three gives you bragging rights for your panel. Congratulations, Roy. You won. Yay. Roy Wood Jr. is a comedian and the host of CNN's Have I Got News For You. His new stand up special Lonely Flowers, which is both funny and a little heartbreaking, is streaming on Hulu. Roy Wood Jr. What a joy to talk to you. Thank you so much for being with us. Flowers, which is both funny and a little heartbreaking, is streaming on Hulu. Roy

Wood Jr., what a joy to talk to you. Thank you so much for being with us. Great pleasure to talk to you. A brother and quiz. Take care. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye, Roy. Thanks, Roy. In just a minute, Bill reveals the number one sign your man is cheating in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-triple-8 number one sign your man is cheating in the listener limerick challenge. Call 1-888-WAITWAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Tom Bodette, Helen Hong, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much. In just a minute. Bill loads up at the All You Can Read Limerick Buffet in our Listener Limerick Challenge

Game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, a panel of some more questions for you from the week's news. Paula, if you really love a movie, we all know you can buy a poster for the movie, maybe you can get a t-shirt with the movie, you can even these days get a commemorative popcorn bucket where you go to see it in the theater. But these days, apparently, the newest, hottest kind of movie merchandise is what? The star comes and lives with you for a weekend.

That'd be nice, I guess, depending on the movie. Yeah. De Niro. Yeah, really? You'd go for De Niro right away? Yeah. No, he stayed with me on the movie. Yeah, I... De Niro. Yeah, really? You'd go for De Niro right away? No, he stayed with me for a weekend. Yeah, how was that? You know, he's a nice guy, but cursing. Well, that's good for you, but that was not the answer. Do give me a hint, would you? Wow, wow, what is that you're wearing? Is that Top Gun maverick I smell?

Oh, a fragrance? Yes, movie tie-in fragrances. Sheesh. If you watched Nosferatu, say, and said to yourself, man, I wish I could get a whiff of those rats. You can now buy Eau de Macabre, that's real. It's a scent inspired by the film. It has notes of lilac, moss, whetstone, and desperate marketing exec flop sweat.

Yeah, there's a reach. You know, even like when a celebrity comes out with their own, right, you know, you're like, okay, did they go in the lab and make that? No. Did they like take scrapings from them and make it? No. You know, I remember when Cher first, she was one of the first celebrities to have her own scent and I just, it just always irked me somehow.

I just, you know, I like Cher, but I want to smell like her necessarily. That's weird. I don't want to smell anything that has scrapings off of anyone. Tom, the computer company HP wanted to encourage more people to use their website to get customer service, so they came up with what innovation on their toll-free telephone helpline? Well, like what they all do, they just put you in an endless loop of options until you reach the one that says, or you can check our website at hp.org

and you won't waste your entire life listening to these options unless you'd like them to start again, press eight. I'm gonna give it to you because basically what they did was they kept everybody on hold a minimum of 15 minutes. Oh That is so low life, right? There's got it, you know, if we still prosecuted people for crimes, they should be prosecuted They chose 15 minutes because science has shown that's as much hold music as the human brain can withstand

and as much hold music as the human brain can withstand. And basically they decided to drop this in Europe, and they decided to drop this policy because they were caught. And the problem was that people were so furious that when they did finally hang up the phone and go online, many of the AI chat bots quit saying they couldn't take the stress. What happened to the people who stayed on longer than 15 minutes? They're dead. They're all dead. Yes, the people, if you were willing to brave it out, they would eventually sort of give

in and somebody would answer. You'd get a customer service person who'd be like, fine, what is it? The one guy. The one guy. Paula, it's stylish to get a layered haircut or wear layered clothing, but the latest trend is layering your what? Ooh, chin. I'll give you a hint.

Well, it's sure not a secret anymore. It's a new degree of dry idea. Layer, oh, layering your antiperspirant? Yeah, your deodorants. Yes. The hot new beauty hack is to give yourself a custom scent by combining fragrant products like perfumes, lotions, and deodorants. Consider this a shot across the bow for you folks who forgot to put on one layer of deodorant

this morning. I don't really belong on the earth any longer. Really? This is finally what inspired you to ask the mothership to take you home. Everything you put up with. I'm so glad this is just catching on. After raising three teenage boys and going through those periods where the house is just a cloud of complex carbon molecules, Axe body spray, and just trying to imagine that mixed

with the old spice. No, it's a repulsive idea. Yeah, really? No, I couldn't. But if you are thinking of trying this yourself, just remember you want to hit all four scents, salt, fat, acid, and heat. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-9248-924. You can catch us most weeks right here at the Studer Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

You can also see us on the road. We'll be at the Walt Disney Theater at the Dr. Phillips Center in Orlando, Florida on March 20th for tickets and information. Just stroll on over to NPRpresents.org. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Corbin Weir calling from the Kansas City metro area. Hey, the Kansas City metro area. Thank you for identifying that.

What do you do there in the Kansas City metro area? I work for a physician member organization and my team and I handle all things related to public health for the organization Wow Do you realize that it might just be fall to you to do it for the whole country because no one else will at this point Yeah, it's been a really long year Well welcome to the show Corbin Bill Curtis is gonna read you three news related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, two of the limericks will be a

winner. Are you ready to play? I am. Here is your first limerick. Cheating men can make first dates feel bitter. I'll make sure that he's ready to quitter, because my bright shiny flakes help point out his mistake. When I hug him, he covered in...

Dander? Dander? No. No, try it. Sorry. One more time. Let's hear it again. Let's hear it again.

Cheating men can make first dates feel bitter. I'll make sure that he's ready to quit her, because my bright shiny flakes help point out his mistake. When I hug him, he's covered in glitter. Yes, glitter! Apparently the latest thing for those young women going out to the clubs is they douse themselves with glitter spray before they go out as a way to ward off men who are cheating on their partners. The idea is that men who are in relationships will avoid cheating with someone wearing glitter because they're afraid they'll get glitter all over them and their partner will notice

when they go home. Hey, I think I finally figured out why I keep getting in trouble whenever I come home from my guy's craft night. Yeah, yeah, that could be it. Yeah, Peter, you got a little something on your head. Yeah, you go to Michael's for men too. Exactly. All right, here is your next limerick.

Trending fashion serves more than hot looks. We think literacy is a strong hook, but no, there's no need to turn pages and read. We take pictures of models with... Books. Yes, very good. Fashion brands like J. Crew, Prada, and Tiffany's are now using books to appeal to female consumers, a tactic straight men on the subway

have been using for years. So are these women models in women's clothes? Yes. It's hot to be smart. It's hot to be smart and at home alone with your books. I guess. I don't know. I feel that way. Yeah, me too. We're ahead of the curve fashion-wise, Tom. All right, here's your last limerick. A podiatrist I'd love to meet, or my gimmick is hard to repeat. My toe's immense pain is the internet's gain as I drop heavy things on my... Is it feet?

It is feet. Yes, it is. It is. It is. And a trend that doctors are praising for letting them buy a new summer home, hundreds of people on social media are filming themselves dropping heavy objects on their own feet and then rating the pain on a scale from one to weight. Oh my God, my thirst for clicks has made me a fool.

I see that now. Wow. Do you see where I feel I don't belong on the earth? I know. Wow. Do you see why I feel I don't belong on the earth? Wow, I would not a do that and B I would not enjoy viewing that no, but people do it's amazing Some of the objects dropped on feet in these videos include cases of soda air fryers vacuum cleaners Those are especially popular because you can use them to clean up the bone fragments Is this like like a like that type pod challenge kind of thing where you do something really self-

It sort of catches on and people start posting and they try to outdo each other. Well that guy dropped a vacuum, I'll drop a printer or something. But I'm not impressed by people who are doing those videos because it's silly. I want to meet the guy who drops stuff on his feet and doesn't film it. Who just does it for the love of the game. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, those are the real players. Yeah.

Bill, how did Corbin do on our quiz? Perfect score at three and oh, Kansas strong. Well done. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Good luck being in charge of the entire nation's health. Yeah, good luck. Take care.

I'm gonna need it. All right. Bye-bye. Hey, it's time for our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many Fill in the Blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

Well, I have two. Tom and Helen each have three. All right, Paula, that means you are in second place. You're going to go first. Here we go. Fill in the Blank. During his first cabinet meeting, President Trump asked if anyone was unhappy with blank's role in the administration. Elon Musk.

Right. According to the new data, the number of Americans filing for blank reached a three-month high. Unemployment. Right. This week, the USDA outlined their strategy to control the spread of blank flu. Bird. Right. On Tuesday, the White House floated the idea of a $5 million gold card offering wealthy foreigners a direct path to blank. Citizenship. Right.

During a daring heist this week, a group of thieves in the UK stole blank from Blenheim Palace. I don't know. A big painting. A golden toilet. On Wednesday, a Texas-based space company launched a craft headed for the blank. Headed for the moon? Right.

On Thursday, a study found a link between extreme blank and accelerated aging. A study found between extreme depression? No, extreme heat. This week, President Trump sent the Oval Office's resolute desk to be cleaned and refinished, and many suspect it was because Elon Musk's small son blanked. Wipe boogers on it. That's exactly right. During their joint press conference last week in the Oval Office, sharp-eyed viewers noticed

Elon Musk's little kid pick his nose and then wipe it on the Resolute Desk. Trump then immediately sent the antique desk to be deep cleaned and refurbished, which was understandable, I guess, but sadly means now that all of FDR's boogers are lost to history. Yeah. Usually, there's a little drawer for that. Bill, how did Paula do in our quiz? She got six more points.

Twelve, right, gives her a total of fourteen. Doing well. All right, I am gonna arbitrarily pick Helen to go next. Fill in the blank, Helen. On Tuesday the FAA confirmed that two blanks nearly collided in Chicago. Airplanes. Right. On Wednesday Israel said it would not remove its troops from Egypt's border with blank. Gaza. Right. On Wednesday, Israel said it would not remove its troops from Egypt's border with blank. Gaza. Right. This week, health officials in Texas confirmed the first death from a growing blank outbreak.

Measles. Right. On Monday, the U.S. reached an agreement with blank to access their rare earth minerals. Canada? No, Ukraine. This week, a man in Washington state was arrested after he crashed a car at an intersection one day after he had blanked. he crashed a car at an intersection one day after he had blanked. Crashed a car at an intersection.

Close enough. Crashed his car at exactly the same intersection. Wow. On Tuesday, Amazon unveiled a revamped version of their digital assistant blank. Alexa. Right. This week, a restaurant in Japan that had gotten a couple of bad reviews decided to deal with that by blanking.

Giving out free sushi. No, they responded to the bad reviews by putting a bounty out on the heads of the reviewers. Ramen Shop in Kyoto, Japan got a pair of very negative reviews and handled it in the normal way. They posted pictures of the reviewers and offered a hundred thousand yen to anyone who could provide personal details, addresses, or quote, take action against them. What? True.

You can learn all about it in the fabulous new documentary, Jiro Dreams of Murder. That's a job opening there in Japan if anybody's looking. Bill, how did Helen do in our quiz? Five right, ten more points. Total of thirteen is just one less than Paul Lohan. All right. So how many then does Tom need to win? Six to win.

Here we go, Tom. This is for the game. On Tuesday, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson announced that the House had approved a sweeping blank plan. The spending bill. Yeah, budget. On Wednesday, Jeff Bezos announced that the opinion section of the blank would now focus on, quote, personal liberties and the free market.

Jeff Bezos. Wait, no. The opinion section of the blank. Oh, personal liberties and the free market. Jeff Bezos. Wait, no. The opinion section of the blank. Oh, I'm sorry, Washington Post. Right. On Thursday, the White House hosted Keir Stormer, the prime minister of the blank. Britain. Yes, the UK.

According to a new report, 70 percent of food in the US is ultra blank. Unhealthy. Ultra processed is the answer. After being released from prison, after serving a 30-year sentence for a crime he did not commit. A man in Hawaii celebrated by blanking. Um, I don't know committing a three felonies. No, going to Costco. Can't blame him.

On Thursday the Vatican said that Blank's health was showing slight improvements. The Pope. Right. After her contact lenses kept disappearing a woman in China was thrilled when she found five of them behind blank. Behind her eyelids. Close enough behind her eyeball. While treating the woman for an entirely different issue, doctors in Beijing found five contact lenses tucked away behind the woman's eyeball. When she asked how the contact lenses got back there, she was told good news. Apparently they were looking for these car keys. Bill, did Tom do well enough to win? Well, he got five right. Ten more points, but his total of 13 is one short of Paula.

Paula, there you go. In just a minute, we'll ask our panelists, now that Amazon has acquired James Bond, what's the next beloved movie character Jeff Bezos will take over? But first, let me tell you, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Gotica writes our limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman, our tour manager is Shane and Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theatre. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Normbos, and Lillian King.

Special thanks this week to Blythe Robertson and Monica Hickey. Key grip number three, that's Peter Gwynn, our jolly good fellow, is Hannah Anderson. Emma Choi is our vibe curator. Technical directionist from Lorna White, our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian, swallowed by a whale, Chilog. And the executive producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Michael Danforth. Now panel, what character will Amazon buy next and what will they do with him?

Helen Hong. Amazon will take over the Planet of the Apes franchise and offer a new dish in its grocery stores called Planet of the Crepes. Tom Bodette. In a world where it's all about the stuff, Amazon presents a good day to buy hard. And Paula Boundstone. They're going to take over Jaws. They're going to buy the Jaws franchise. They're going to make Jaws 5 and the tagline will be, this time no one cares.

Well, depending on how that happens, we're going to ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so much and great to see you again, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Tom Baudet, Helen Hawn, and Paula Poundstone. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theatre on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, Illinois. And thanks to all of you for listening wherever you may be. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll be back with a new show next week. ["The New York Times"] This is NPR.