Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Alan Carr

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

Emily Dean talks to Alan Carr and his partner Paul, while walking their dogs. They talk about Alan's upbringing, the unreality of fame and their relationship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can I just say we are actually lost? Not only lost, we're trespassing. I think it's down there. And it's getting dark. Oh God, what do we do? I think it's down here. What stage we get? Do we eat each other? Hi, I'm Emily Dean.

Welcome to my brand new podcast for The Times, Walking the Dog. This week, I went out with Alan Carr, his boyfriend, Paul, and his Irish setters, Bev and Joyce. Can I just say they were immaculately toilet trained? And the dogs were well behaved, too. Oh and by the way, if you want to make sure you don't miss an episode, please remember to subscribe on iTunes. Okay, they get in. Calm down, dear. Just walking the door.

I'm Emily Dean and I'm here with Alan Carr. So nice to have someone with me walking the dogs. So lovely, thank you. And look at you in your high street shoes and your Costa coffee. If people could see, it's like we're in the middle of a forest. Where are we? The Amazon. But you know, you know you straight people.

You move to near schools, don't you, where there's a better, you know, catchment area. Why? I forgot to have children. Oh, well, you don't move then. They don't need to move. Let me explain that we've got now. We've got three Irish setters with us. I was going to say there's a load of them here.

Stanley, Bev, Joyce, Molly, who is a Rhodesian Ridgeback cross with a staffie, who, can I say, is going to be a star herself? She's on SuperVet. Is she? Yes. She's had a terrible time. She was chained up in Tower Hamlets, and she got re-home to our neighbour.

And then her shoulder kept coming out, and then she had to, well, I don't want to be grim, but she had to be operated on it. But she's going to be a celebrity. It's a bit like Danny Dyer's trajectory, isn't it really? Yeah. Chained up in Tower Hamlets one minute and a celebrity the next. But she's not related to royalty.

Isn't that exciting? That was the best who do you think you are I ever saw? Well, you did one. Don't say that. No, but he's like proper, right? And you know what? Sometimes the links on them, who do you think you are,

are very tenuous, isn't it? It's like the odd branch going off and you're like, oh yeah, really, you know, second cousin's cleaner's dog twice removed. But his was like a big old thick branch, weren't it? He was related to royalty. I mean, mine, I only did who do you think you are? Yeah.

Because someone the week before had been to Trinidad and Tobago and I thought, here we go. I packed me piss, booing and my speedo. You thought you'd get a free holiday. Yeah, but you know why I ended up? Where? Peckham. Oh. Peckham and Newcastle. Now, I've been there with my family. So, look, you see, look at your sensible shoes. Look at that mud. I should have worn wellies. Yes. What was I say, Molly? Oh, yeah. And that's a Rhodesian rig back. And a snaffy cross. And a sacked. Now, when you look at her, she looks like one of those devil dogs.

Don't know, but you know what? I have never seen a snap. She licks your teeth. deaf because you're not hesitant. No. I've dated worse than that. She seems lovely. And we've got three red setters. Three red setters, yes. And I was saying to you earlier, their hair colour is so amazing.

I know. Without being really shallow, in autumn, I love going around with them because they do complement the trees. Does that make me shallow? No, I think it makes you really smart. And we've got three red... I'm not going to put them down when it's winning. No, or when they start going grey.

Oh, darling, I'm not Gok. I'm not that inter-fashioned, as you can see. Ahead of us, we've got three red setters. Redesian Ridgeback Cross. And Morris, don't forget Morris. Is that the little white one? Paul, what breed is Morris? He's another rehome one from our neighbour.

Oh, I said to him have Paul. Paul's been done. That's Paul who's Alan's partner. Yes. Fiance, Paul. Fiance. It's very exciting. So we're in these woods which is in in Sussex, which is near where you you guys live. Well no, the thing is I live in London. He's got a farm. So...

Paul has. Yes. I'm basically dating a farmer. So I'm very lucky. So because we're having an Irish set. I mean, listen, when I take the dogs around Hyde Park, they basically roll their eyes. Bev lays on her floor with the legs, lays on the floor with the legs, lays on the floor of the legs in the air. People think I'm abusing her. But she's so bored. So I'm very lucky when I'm not working. I come down here and he's got all these amazing animals. And then I'm a member of the National Trust. Yes, I'm 40. I'm allowed to do that.

And I go, yeah, we go round. That's all I do. And I'll just, I pick a lovely walk. But you need, you know, can I say anyone thinking of getting an Irish set? They need so much exercise. Do they? So how many walks a day do these guys need? Well, two. And the first one's like an hour and a half.

Two of these a day, Alan. This is like, this is a triathlon. What's wrong with my metabolism? Paul and you have been together, how long? How long is it now, Paul? Eight, nine years? Nine years. And, yeah, we met up my friend Scott's birthday.

And I thought I was going to be single. And then Scots, it all comes to a pipe. I thought, oh, well, I've treated myself. I've got these nice trousers. And had this lovely electric blue V neck and this. Look really nice. I spilled a cup of tea down me, Crutcher, before I left the house. So I'm late for the party.

I just stick on these grey trousers. I think, God, right, quick, quick. As I'm on the tube, I catch my reflection, you know, in those big circular... Oh. So it looked like a Cyclops monocle. Not the most flattering. No. But my exact outfit, my outfit was exactly the Tesco uniform.

The colour was identical. All I needed was a badge here to help. And I thought, oh, no one's going to fancy. No. And then it was love at first sight when I saw him. Really? Yeah, and so then he moved in, and then he bought me. How long after did he move in?

Well, too quick if you ask me. No, I'm joking. How long after Paul, I'm going to ask you? And did you just know as well? Oh, I'm welling up. I'm welling up in this wood wherever we are. What we should say, in case anyone didn't hear that, there was a very romantic moment back then,

Because Paul said he fell in love with you at first sight as well. I know. Isn't that lovely? That never happens to me. And so did you just think, well, I'm not going to let this one go? No. Will you see how good looking he is? I thought, oh, he's got to farm.

The farmer wants a wife. No. No, yeah. So did you play it cool? No. He was in, do you know what? This is what happened, yeah. I know he says two months.

The weekend after I invited him over. Yeah. And then we ended up watching. What's that Johnny Depp film? Best Pies in London. Oh, Sweeney Todd? Yeah, and he stayed to watch that, and you never left, did you, Paul? This is when you first met, Paul, and you watched Sweeney Todd, I hear.

Did you like it? Nothing's going to harm you, and that was our theme tune. Oh, was it? No, I'm making it happen. I'm glad it wasn't worst pies in London. Oh, I know. That wouldn't be very romantic at the wedding, would it? No, no, our first dance.

Yeah. Yes. Alan and Paul come to the dance lot. It's the worst ties in London. I know what your first dance is going to have to be. What? Well, I heard, or I read, rather, in your book, Al Anatomy, which I'm loving, by the way.

Thank you, much. Thank you. I read, was there a, can you feel the love tonight moment? Well, I foolishly do this thing where, whenever we get a dessert, I always dip my fork in, because you know the old thing of putting the rig in the dessert? Without fail, Paul rolls his eyes, I always go, blow. Oh, no ring in my dessert. No ring in me souffle.

So I'm like, oh, every time without fail. Yeah. Well, we're holiday in Lombok. And then where homosexuality is illegal, I'd like to add. I'd give that a wide berth next time. No, well, I don't really look into where we're going, do we? No. I live in a world where everyone's accepting.

So we go there. And then we're sitting there and I need a wee. Sorry, I'm only human. Hang on. So does the Rhodesian Ridge back? So I go for a wee and then I come back and then I can see he's got this smirk on his face. I said what are you smirking at? And then I start dipping my spoon in the souffle.

I'd be, I pick it up out. I think, oh shit, my crowns come out. Typical in Lombok. You know, can imagine the state, my teeth are state already. Can you imagine me going to a Lombokian dentist? So I go, I'm my crown, and I pull it out, and it's a ring. And then he says, will you marry me? And, of course, I'm looking around thinking, shit, homosexuality is illegal, but I said yes anyway.

You risk death? I risked the death penalty to fall in love with Paul. How lovely. Yeah, and then he had it all planned. The man on the piano starts so... Why not? What? It was all unplanned, and it was all spur of the moment,

And all I said was to the waiter, can you put this ring in the dessert as a joke? Oh, so it's a joke. Slapp, get out. Interviews over. Interviews over. It was all been a sick joke originally, but then I thought I might as well. I could do it now. This is nice coming out in a wood.

It was a romantic setting. It was all beautiful. That's when I did it for real. Nice to find out during a podcast at my relevant. That love at first sight is in fact a joke. Guys, come on. Let's sort this out. That's not fine.

So then they then started to sing, Can You Feel a Love Tonight? The Lion King. Yeah. And they didn't know the full words to the song, so they just kept singing over and over again. Can you feel the love tonight? And everybody was looking at us.

And then fireworks started to go off and I hadn't organised that. Hello. Hi. Just so happened that they were doing it for us because they knew who he was. And obviously... That's your...

So that is your song now. I know, can you feel the love to now? It's worth, you know, there could be worse. Well, it is about lion bereavement, essentially. Yes. But that's okay. It could be weirder things. We were saying hello earlier.

That was a lady with, she got one dog. Or was your dog. Oh, two. Oh, no. It was one of our jobs, the dogs jumped ship and joined another owner. She's got one of your dogs now. That's just the joy of dog walking, you see. You always get a nice hello.

Yeah. And yeah, it's really nice. And, you know, when I come away, like I said, sometimes when I come down to see him, it's nice, and getting that fresh area, you just don't get in London. I mean, Richmond Park's lovely. I do that for a treat and Hampstead Heath,

but as you can see, this is in the middle of nowhere, isn't it? Oh, it's lovely. It's so nice. But the danger with National Trust is, they have these shops, don't they? Yeah. These old grannies make the most delicious cakes. So you think, oh, wow, I've burned.

off this many calories. Next thing you know. Must have a massive slice of Battenberg. Because the thing is as well, the thing when you have dogs, I've noticed that my dressing up clothes, you know, me red carpet affairs, maybe a little bit of Gucci. Yeah.

That is like two inches now in my wardrobe. Fleeces, leggings, Juggins, bubble hats, anorex. Do you know what I call that? What? The I have given up shop. I know.

But I like it. Yeah, but I've stopped washing. You see, you've found. that was a bag of dog poo I got my pocket. That's my hygiene. Oh, Alan, this is steep, isn't it? I know. Well, look at you. You're so towning.

What's that handbag? She's got a leather handbag over her arm, like she's mincing up Bond Street. Costa coffee cup. I told you were going on a walk in the middle of a forest. What are you doing? This is as country code as I go. I'm getting there.

I'm trying my best. I don't think Bear grills is going to lose any sleep. I think Bear and I, I think I think I have issues with that. I think I'd cry if I had to do something. Well, they asked me all the time to do stuff like that, killing your own food and drinking your own urine. Well, they want to cut price Goldie Horn, don't they? They just want me screaming and... Oh my God! Ah! They ask you to do things like Strictly and... I'm a celebrity. I would do strictly, but I mean, it's just...

Would you? They work you to death on that show. You know those people like in China work in those Apple factories? That's what Strickley's like. Oh, where have we reached now? This is amazing spot. This is this is Hayden's Ball and Heath. Right. And this is Octavia here.

So what she did, she fought, you know, with the pollution and everything, all these high up places, Parliament Hill and it's for the Londoners to get up there, get some fresh air. She believed in that. Oh, really? Okay.

She's actually an amazing woman. Over here, there's actually a seat that you can sit. Oh, let's go see the seat. Yeah, we could have a sit on the seat. Paul's wandering with. for another dog owner. Oh, I know. Maybe I think I'll scare to marry him.

For a joke. No, I know it's all a joke. I'm fine. So do you think you've got, was that important to you to get that mix? When I ever I speak to comedians, they always seem to have, well, a lot of them seem to have this

slightly domestic bliss rom-com life out in the country. Yes. And then they sort of go up to London and have their mad few days just working. Yeah, I mean, that's what it is. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. And you're right, there is something with comedians and the countryside. I know like John Bishop, you know, Paul O'Grady.

They're all of these places and farms. There is something about that. I mean, when you think that stand-up comedians are meant to be so social, you know, life and soul of the party, you've got to quit for everything. Well, you know, it's not always like that, is it? It's a very, very half and half. You never see like Michael McIntyre, Lee Evans, or Peter Cown, any red carpets or anything.

Because you get your fix on stage. I'm not putting myself in there, bracket. I get me buzz, and that's it. Now I can relax. It's a very weird relationship. So it means that actually you're not chasing it all the time. No, no. But does it also mean...

I mean, you know, there's that whole cliche, isn't it, that kind of tears of a clown? Ask Paul. Paul, am I tears of a clown? No, you're not, no. I'm not depressed, am I? I'm schizo, but then I, that's me being a Gemini. He's schizzov, he worries about a lot of things.

We both do. I think it's all going to end. Yeah. I have such a blessed life. And you know what? How many rubbish jobs have I had? I mean, they say, that's what kids need today. National Survey.

Never don't. Work in a call centre or a factory packing shampoo like I did. And you come out and you just, you know, you work. I mean, not stuck enough people who work in call centres and thing, but there are miserable places. And there's a lot of talented people in there we just can't get that brave. So I think you're aware of stuff of that.

And I've had that, and I've been a driver's mate, and I've worked at Tesco, and this is a dream. This is absolutely... And I just think it's going to end, and I worry. Not now, though. Not now you've become this successful. Surely, don't you... I'm not going to say National Treasure.

I'm not going to say ICON, but... It's interesting what you say about the working in a cool centre factory thing. I know what you're saying, because it's not dismissing those jobs, But I think what it's about is that I have a friend, well, it's Frank Skinner, who I do the radio show with. And he says that you're either a transmitter or a receiver in life. Paul, be quiet. So you're either a person that kind of has to, you're the person communicating all the time. And if you're not in a job where you're able to do that, you get really frustrated.

Whereas there are some people that don't feel the need to do that. Who are these people? But then, you know, I got quite scary for me because I worked for two years in a factory that made boxes for video players is how old ago. So all I was like a pile of cardboard and a tape gun. And the man came up to me and said, do you know what, Alan, this job suits your personality.

And I'm thinking, oh, bless. And then the more I think about it, I was like, how insulting. But I can switch off. That's the trouble. Is that, what did he mean by that, do you think? No, because I just sat there, because everyone else was having sickie breaks. Yeah. Swigging out of...

And you just got on with it? Yeah, and I just got on with it. Was that hard, when you were going down that route, of working in factories and all that kind of stuff? And you came from a footballing family, didn't you? And did you... Was that hard, sort of, when you suddenly rose you were gay, was that quite difficult to tell people?

Well, no, people say, oh, what did you like coming out? I said, I was never in. I mean, I was never in. I mean, everyone knew I was gay. Before I did, people were saying gay before I knew what it was. Even your parents? I think they must have known. I mean, listen, there was never a moment where everyone sit down,

I've got something to say, and this night comes as a shock. You know, when you're just coming out and people are mouthing, I'm gay, as you're saying it, you realise that maybe you have been a bit too camp. Do you know what I mean? And so it didn't ever feel like a problem for you in your family, particular family set up? Well, it wasn't, I'm not going to say my mum and dad were like,

woo-hoo, yeah, our son is gay, yeah, let's get some bunting out. I mean, I'd be lying if I said they were over the moon. But no, I mean, they're very accepting. As my dad's got old, she's got mellower now. Yeah. I think, you know, he was pushing me to football. And I mistook that for him forcing me to be football. But his football, the camaraderie, the family.

the friendships, the performance, because I think it is getting out they're kicking the ball out. I think he wanted me to do that, but I think he realises now I have that with comedy. Totally, yeah. I have the friends.

I have the adrenaline rush of going on telly or whether it's live or something like that. So it's, yeah, I mean, I get that. And I see now, it wasn't him trying to force me or crush my spirit or my personality. He just wanted me to be happy. And I think, because he was so happy in football

and he's still happy in football. Because he was a player and a manager and he's now a scout, isn't he? And now he's a scout at Newcastle. And how old is he? 71. So from 16 years to 71, he has been involved in football on every level. It's his life. And I think at the beginning he didn't realise.

I don't think he realised that there was anything else. But now he's so proud. I mean, on my Spexy Beast tour. I mean, he came to Birmingham MECC and a whole arena just there waiting for me to come on. I think he was like, oh, Alan, oh Alan. You know, I think he realised, oh, I see. This is it. I get it.

And in a way, that sounding like a complete wanker, that arena is my pitch, my playing field. It's my, this is me coming through those doors. Hello, Birmingham, you know, is the tunnel and the coming up the tunnel and out onto the pitch. See, if this was the movie of your life, that would be the big scene, wouldn't it? Yeah. where he'd say, okay, I get it, son.

Yes, that's it. And then I would have tears in the eyes and come out. And then it would end me going, hello, Birmingham. And then the credits would come down. I love that the movie of all life ends with Hello Birmingham. It seems really fitting somewhere. It does. It's very me.

I like it. Oh, speaking of dogs, I was in Birmingham the other week. Did you see me doing crafts? We need to talk about crafts. So I should say on this podcast, I'm so excited. about how I'm doing this. Can I just say about Claire Boulden? As a presenter, she is on another level.

Is she? I've got my auto cue there. She has one bullet point, talk about dogs. And this is live telly. And she's like, well, and then this is bread. And this is like, she is. I learned so much from her. Really?

I mean, because that... Just kind of technically about presenting. And also, I learned a lot about dogs. I mean, people don't realise how hard it is to do. But, I mean, it is mental. 20,000 dogs. I did the agility course. I don't know if you saw on the telly,

but I was, can I be honest, I'm a bit pissed off because I was up against this man, lovely you and Thomas, the Olympian, his dog was English, mine was Dutch, and didn't understand a word I was saying. So no wonder he was a minute quicker than me.

I know, but I think you need to move on from this. It's scarred me. It's worse than coming out having a Dutch dog. You know, what I like about those agility courses is the women in the black trouser suits with the trousers, the bottoms of the trousers flapping. It's more about, it's as much about the owner, isn't it, as it is the dog? Well, I was there in the Poodle Day, and I go there.

I mean, basically, there was like a haze of hairspray. I was praying for the ozone layer. Do you know what I mean? It was like three hours this woman was doing this toy poodle. And, I mean, I've never seen so many fleeces. I mean, it was like, I mean, I'm surprised the sheep dog didn't run off and try and herd them all together. I mean, it was like, but you're doing a live broadcast.

And then all the agility dogs off their head on adrenaline because someone's brought out a ball barking. Of course, Claire is like this, like a machine. She's not, I'm going, what do? Can we talk a bit, well, you can't say much about the wedding. When is the wedding going to be? It's meant to be this year But you know what it's like

I said last year Because I mean I don't know I was so busy last year It was created a tour of Australia New Zealand And all those shows on at Christmas I just want to relax this year But of course

Work just keeps coming in Which of course I'm so pleased about And I'm getting busier and busier and busier But um There was talks at one point about We're doing at a Bedin Palace So I got in touch with them But then you started to talk about

Numbers of like 200 people Well we didn't grow 200 people I was pissed when I said Glenham Palace. I was like, Blenheim Palace. I wasn't enough thought I want to like, come on a horse. And this is me, typical Gemini, yeah. I like you arriving on a horse. Such a man of people as well with him.

I'm not saying myself as a man. Because I don't know anyone like, not that I'm original, but I don't know anyone like me. That's a man of the people. Who do I represent? Who do I represent? I know what you mean. Because your background,

That wouldn't have been the natural trajectory from where, when you were growing up in. Is it Northampton you came from? Northampton, yes, Rose of the Shires. And then you moved to Manchester? I've never ever been in the right place at the right time. And something happened up there in Manchester. There was, you know, I was on the bill. It was five pounds to get in.

This is when you started doing comedy. Yeah. John Bishop, Jason Manford, me, and then sometimes Peter Kay, who was, who was, you know, Phoenix Knights, hysterical Phoenix Knights, was like getting more popular. Johnny Vegas would pop up. Now, what kind of Bill would you get that on? And I said to John, when he was on Chattie Man,

I said, you know, that time, we all tipped in for petrol, and we're all driving across Snake Pass, where we'd done like shitty gig in Sheffield to come back to Manchester. I said, look at us now, what all wonderful. It's all worked out. And all those misery, if the gig hadn't gone well, all miserable, sitting in the back of the...

that bloody car, you know, crossing at like midnight and the snow's coming down and it's like pissing it down. And then here we are. You talked really openly in the book and again, if you're not happy to talk about this. No, go for it. I know you talked about your relationship with Paul and I found that really touching about when you guys met. And then also what I really respected is that you were really honest about the kind of struggles that you had. Yes. You were really open about Paul's kind of issues with alcohol and how you'd both dealt with that as a couple. Why I respected that, I think, is because there's a

tendency when people are in the public eye to have this Instagram curated life that they say. Hashtag blessed, we're so happy, everything's perfect. And it's nice for people to realise well, everyone goes through stuff. Yeah. I mean, listen, the thing is, Rattie Man, and I genuinely

did all, I did the research. You know, I did read every book and I did watch every film and I always made sure I listen to the music, so I felt like, because I hate that when I go on chat shows and someone's just printed off Wikipedia and they go, oh, so what's it like having Lionel Blair as a father? And you're like, pardon? Oh my God, I can't believe you're the voice Zippy on Rainbow. You're like, no. So I always do that. And then you read these books. Everyone's

lovely. They've never had a flop TV show. You know, oh my God, one glass of wine. And oh, I'm passed out. You're like, yeah, yeah, you know, you've seen them coming out of the groucho at 4 a.m. Gerning. Eyes wobbling. You know, and I didn't want to. do that and I just didn't want to be totally honest and I think a lot of the reviews picked up on that they were they said it was refreshing and stuff but I think there is something sinister about fame that the one grit in the in the eye about fame for me the superficialness of it um I find uncomfortable a bit and it's not it's not what it seems is it it's a hall of mirrors It's a lot of who are you, what, you know, the A list, B list, C list.

And, you know, so I went on the internet because I'm all about to do research. I mean, like, oh, just stuff about you. It's made my skin crawl. And I had to real resist. I didn't want it to be, because, you know, I've read biographies as well. I hate that when a comedian starts going, oh, and then comedians today aren't funny. And, you know, naturally I had the last laugh and all that, you know, and I don't want to be like that.

No, but I mean, writing about fame is like, it's like nailing a boule of a munch to the wall. It's like, what is it? What am I? I just found, yeah, I found it harder to write about. Because, you know, some shows you think are a success, might not be a success, and some shows you enjoyed, people actually hated.

So I try to just be honest. This is what I feel. And you know what? It's not wrong because it's how I feel. And did you have a discussion with Paul and say, look, I'm going to write about this? I'm going to write about the fact that you've had issues with alcohol and I want to be honest about it.

Yeah, I was honest. And I sent you it, and then you showed your mum and everything. I mean, he actually wanted it to be, you wanted to be a bit darker, didn't you? Well, I think there was lots of things in the facts that contributed towards my increased drinking, which I don't think was put in the book. I wanted it to be more honest.

Right. And what are they? Well, it was just like that particular year, I had, it was just one thing after another with a ruptu disc in the back. He just had one of those, one of those years, and he was, the bat coming out, he'd given him these powerful painkillers. It wasn't doing anything.

And everyone knows me and Paul like a drink. And it was one of those things, inch by inch by inch, drink by drink. You know, there's been times when it all just got a bit too much. And then by the time, you, oh my God, we're relying on drink too much. And to be honest, it was only vodka. They actually got you out of that pain, didn't it? Really? Yeah.

And then it got like, oh, and then suddenly vodka becomes, oh, that's my medicine. I feel better with vodka. Before you know it, it's... And were you sort of starting to match, Paul, drink for drink? Well, no, I was away. I'm performing in crew. And, you know, the Yap, Yap, Yap Tour,

it kept selling out. And this is my, this is my dilemma. He's on the settee. in agony and then I've got to be, I've got to drive four hours up the motorway to performing leads for free nights. I can't cancel free shows because, you know, and he calls Paul, I'll be fine, I'll soldier on you go and don't worry about me. So he was sort of self-medicating in a way, Paul. Do you think it's hard to go out with someone who's in the public eye? No, because I think he's a very kind of, he is, he is who he is.

But I think there are, I mean, you meet people as for his partner and you can see what they're like and they're very egotistical and they're very, they're famous and they're not who they seem to be. But he's very down to earth. You know, if he was famous or not famous, he would just be the same person. So that's, I think, that's how the relationship works. And I'm not faced by his fame either. Do you think they're in a way, I think you have a superpower, which is that when you become famous, well, Well, I think you do. Vodka man.

Well, apart from that, when you become famous, I think the world does start to smell slightly of fresh paint everywhere you go. You know that theory. So everywhere the queen goes, it smells a fresh paint. She doesn't see anything bad, essentially. She sees the best of people. And you, Alan, will start to see that more. That's inevitable.

Yes. Whereas Paul, that's his superpower. Yes. sees how people really are. Yes. Because he's with you but you know when you meet someone and you think and they're different towards him than they are to me also. And do you know what? People never realise that you know they want to get in my good books because I'm on the telly. Yeah. But you ignore Paul. You're already in my bad books. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I love this idea of having a pack of dogs because I've just bought a Shih Tzu. Yes.

Which is tiny. And I've called him Ray. because I like a slightly pampered... Oh. We've lost a dog. You see, there's you're saying about the greatness around a pack of dogs. We're one down. That's the thing with Iris set

is they get a scent of something and they're off. Oh, really? Your heart sinks for about five minutes until they decide to come back to you, don't they? Yes. But Bev, the fat one, is normally near like a tea room

or an ice cream van. Where did their names come from then? Well, Bev looks like Beverly Callard, you know, from Coronation Street because of the ginger air. Yeah. Well, she had like a... washed didn't she and the Rea got quite frisd. It looks like Beverly Callard. Joyce looks

like Joyce. Molly's the next-door neighbour's dog and Stanley is our friend's dog who loved Irish Setters so much she went and got and she's got a busy day today and of course Irish set as another dog guys. Yes. Stanley, come on. The two dogs are chasing off to each other in very dramatic scenes Alan. Would you like to give some cross-commentating on this? Oh, no. Well, they're split up now. Look at Stanley. I love those tongue hangs out like a bit of waste of thin.

I like that look the dogs give. You know, the look of shame? Yeah, we've all had that. Nothing looks. Hi, Stanley. Stanley's come back now. He was really strangely interested in that Labradoodle, whatever it was. Was it a cockapoodle, Labradoodle, one of those?

I mean, what would a ginger dog if it had? sex with a cockapoo, we'd like give birth to Annie. You know? I bet it would, it'd be like, Annie. That's an up a mouth. Annie Dog. Annie Dog. Annie Dog.

Yeah. One day I'd like to see Annie Dog at Cruffs, but I think they have to change their way. But you know what? When I went and did Cruffs, on the telly, you think, oh, my God, that's going to stink. I bet I'm like, you know what I'm in treading in dog shit. Yeah. It was remarkably clean. I wasn't it?

And I stayed in a... That's because they're so immaculately raised. Yeah. Those things are fed on, you know. Yeah. There's no white dog poo there, I'll tell. No butcher's tribe. So do you feel, like with Chattie Man, was that quite a strain in a way, have it?

You know, did you, do you feel just that weekly checking with that show where it's a lot of work, isn't it? It is a lot of work. And it's an absolute bun fight for guests, you know, and especially when Jonathan Ross is on and Graham Norton. And we all know the pecking order. Graham Norton wonderful. who is a friend of mine, of course, the press make out, I'm gobbing at him on on Compton Street and trying to glass him.

But, you know, and at the end of that, you see, that's another thing. Fame and celebrity, it's only a chat show. Put the news on love. There's a lot going on. You know, this chat show war. Yeah. And obviously, as you know, Jonathan's a mate.

I mean, I'm never sitting there going, yeah. But it's a bonfire. It's channel, it's influence. It's, you know, it's who your friends are. and stuff, but I love doing chatty man. I love it. I love it.

But it's a bun fight, picking guests. The thing about Happy Hour, which I'm doing now, I don't know if you've seen it yet. It frees you up. I can go shopping with Robbie Williams. I can go to a private gig with Lady Gaga. You know, I can play games with John Legend. But it doesn't matter who's in town on Wednesday.

It's very free. And I see James Gordon. I don't know if you remember the show I did Friday Night Project. Of course I do. You know, I see James Corden doing these sketches mucking about and a bit of me like, oh, I remember who used to do that with Justin and with a chat show, it's a very restricted format. Okay, I've got a question for you.

Yeah. Do you have therapy? Do I? No, I don't. You see, I... He says I need therapy. Would you ever have it, Alan? No, because I'm very... I find it nosy.

Because he went to a therapy, I said, don't tell him anything about me. And of course, you've got to mention me. But I get me like, why does he want to know? What's the, I'm very suspicious. You find it lazy? But they sign confidentiality agreements. Whatever they wouldn't know about me? Oh, read my book.

Available in all good book. Yeah, available in all good bookshops. I can imagine what the therapist would have to say about that. But the thing is for me, I'm a bit of a fantasist because I make up shit. So I would, don't nod your head pull. Your life's pretty good. It is pretty good.

We've got nothing to complain about very, very, So do you think... Oh, that wasn't nice. Oh, that wasn't nice. I'm only doing it because it's on the radio. Getting very good energy between you two. We have got a great energy. Do you think that's what it's about?

And it's lovely. We started out having a route and then spending quality time with you, I found my love for Paul again. And I was going to dump him. I was going to kill him and bury him in these woods. Was it? You see this spade, I'm sure.

been caloring around. I was going to like wallop him and you're going to help me dispose of the body. No, we need a bit more earth, Emily. Come on. Dig, Emily, dig. I can still see one of those, some of that blue hoodie. Yes. But you resolved a route. Was it one of those car rows? I hate a car row. Oh, it was a car row. I hate a car row. They're the worst. Because one of you's concentrating on the driving. Was it you? I was driving. My lips are But I made him drive because I thought, I'm not helping him out today. You can drive by himself.

Yeah. And he can... Because you were furious? Yes. Yes. Yeah, we would have a row. Did you do the silent drive? Oh, it was silent all the way.

And then we pulled up in the car park. I was like, Emily's here. Fri-chir up. Don't spoil my radio debut. This is her podcast. She's been talking about it all week. Oh, I feel this is a really good vibe for your podcast. So actually, I feel better.

now. Do you? Yeah, do you, Paul? I don't hate you anymore. You see, I think, I think this is... People, I'm going to think we're bipolar or schizophrenia listening to this, are they? You both met the parents and there's approval on both sides. Oh, my God, yeah, yeah. The great thing, the great thing is about our mum and dads, they get on. And, I mean, the thing is, I realise with my, with the two fairy tour, and it was about my dad being this father. You know, you got to remember, you over-egged the pudding when it comes to comedy. When he met Paul, he was so welcoming. I didn't realise that my life and this fame thing was going to happen.

I was just doing 20 minutes going, oh, my dad's a football manager, and look at me, I'm gay. You know, I didn't know, and then people are like, your dad does know how lucky he is having you as a son. You know, no, he's not like that. It was only a bit of a, yes, he was hard going, but, you know, he wasn't an asshole. It was just a dad. Like most dads are, aren't they? No one, you know, they want their sons to be, you know, masculine and have a wife and kids and everything.

But I can see how growing up in your world, Alan, there would be slightly more pressure than had your dad. Can I just say we are actually lost? Are we? Not only lost, we're trespassing. Paul, this rings a bell. It's down. O'Joy, Joyce.

I've got faith in us. I think we're going to find our way back. Really? Okay. I think this way. Should we go this way? No, no, that's the wrong way, Paul. We've come from that way.

I think it's down there and it's getting dark. You can't get any reception in these woods either. I think it's down here. Oh, this is someone's house. You see this is... Alan, we're in someone's house. Not only are we lost, we're trespassing. What stage we get do we eat each other?

I tell you what, I put the axe on and it tells you where you are. tells you where you are. Oh, well done, Paul. Good in a crisis. Is this the worst podcast you've ever done? There's been a row. We've got lost. But I just remember walking up this way the other way when I first came here. I actually came from the house from down there. Do you think that's wrong? It's down there because I remember walking up this way. Let's go back the way with you. But that was so picturesque. You've denied me that beautiful, picturesque. Well, you can come here by yourself, can't you next time?

So I think let's go back on ourselves. Should we go this way? Yeah. Come on then. Let's do it. So, as you prepare to slip into your next decade, now you're 40. 41?

40. 40 again. Sorry. I can show me, you massage down. What's wrong with you, woman? No one's ever going to do a podcast with you again. So you're 57, right? No, 22.

Oh. Let's not even get onto my age. So how do you see the next 10 years? Do you have like a career plan? No, I've never had a career plan. I'm just at that stage, you know, I'm sort of doing things that I like. I mean, you know, when you're in your 30s,

you're like clawing your way up one of this. I mean, do you know what? I've actually had a chat show with my name in the title. You know, I've done, I've played Wembley. I've done an arena tour. I mean, I'm just picking fun things now that I want to do. Yeah. I mean, so, I mean, I feel there's a sitcom in here.

You know, like, I feel there is. Writing and appearing in, do you think? I don't know. I'd call out there just writing it. You know, you've talked about when you went to drama school. Well, it wasn't drama school. It was drama college, because I didn't have any range. Okay, what do you mean?

I wanted to be an actor. Yeah. And then I couldn't go on the acting course. So I just did drama and theatre studies where I actually studied how the plays work and painting. Because I'd spend a lot of my time in a black body stocking, moving furniture around.

You know, when the lights went down and then I'd wonder why I never got an actor, you know, an agent. And what did you... So with straight acting? Were you a good actor? No. Why?

Everyone was camp. Because I can't... Like I said, I'm never going to play Macbeth. You know that. Give it a go. I'd love to hear that. Do you remember when Cliff Richard played Heathcliff? I think it'd be a bit like that.

So did you genuinely think you can't dial it down, as it were? Do you know what? I think I'm, I think it's come too far now. And I, there's that fantastic story about Kenneth Williams when he was in that Bernard Shaw play, what's it called, St. Joan. Yeah. And he got rave reviews on the opening night. Like this, his friend went to see him.

It was great, a masterclass in acting. And then the first carry-on film came out, and the friend went to see it at the end of the run, and he was like, oh, no, Missy, oh, so, you know, not doing Frankie Hours acts, but I'm trying to do. He was like, oh, no, you know, pulling the faces. Yeah. And he said it was like he was sort of, it had changed.

He couldn't control the Kenneth Williams, because he sort of thought that's what people wanted. So I think I'd love to play a brooding sex god, Would you like, look at him laughing. I heard you laughing. That was the producer sniggering. I know. But would you say...

I wish I'd left you in the woods now. We should have dumped his body with pools. Would you seriously like to do serious acting out? No. A lovely comedy, because, you know, I get comedy scripts and film scripts coming through the... And I open up the... I open up the first lines like, oh, hello, love. Look at her roots. And I'm like, I'm like...

That's my life. I want to act. That's not acting. That's a documentary for me. Have you painted yourself into a camp corner? I know, and I can't get out. It's a... I've reared off towards the...

Do you know what? It's a very lovely, luxe fun corner. It is a lot of fun. And I want to be in that corner with you. It's a fun corner. I know camp gets looked down upon. But do you know what? It's fun.

We're coming to the end of our walk now, Alan. I've had such a nice time. Have you enjoyed it? Have you enjoyed the walk? It was the second time I've been here. Like I said, I've treated the dogs. And they've loved it, haven't they? And you have as well.

I've had, oh, you've decided for me. Yeah, I've really enjoyed it. I've really enjoyed it. I think what this demonstrates is the healing power of three things. Podcasts. No. The healing power of dogs and a good walk. Nature.

And having a bit of a laugh. Laugh and nature. Yeah, it's a call of nature. I just want to take my clothes off. I'm running into that wood now. That was Walking the Dog. If you enjoyed it, then please subscribe on iTunes. Press the little button that says subscribe.

Go on. Treat yourself.