Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Best Bits

Episode Date: December 29, 2017

Emily revisits some of the highlights of all of her walks with celebrity pals and their dogs this year - and brings you some incredibly funny, revealing and touching off duty moments. A stroll with Gary Lineker and his Labrador Snoop, a wander through the woods with Alan Carr and his English setters, a ramble on Hampstead Heath with Jonathan Ross and his French bulldog Snowball as well as a long walk and talk with Sarah Millican and her dog Tuvok. And that’s before we’ve even got to Katherine Ryan, Jimmy Carr, Lee Mack, Gabby Logan and lots more. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi there, I'm Emily Dean and welcome to the best of walking the dog. It's a compilation of all my favourite bits and more importantly, all my favourite dogs and owners from the podcasts we've done this year. I know sometimes people come out with these best dogs and you think, right, so basically you couldn't be bothered to record a new one. And I would say to you, yes, there is that. But quite genuinely, I did think it might be nice to remind ourselves of what makes Garolinaica cry.

The incident that propelled Sarah Milliken to get into comedy, that thing Jim Carrey said to Jimmy Carr, and most crucially, how Matt Lucas managed to somehow lose an entire Labrador's poo? I really hope you've enjoyed this year. I've loved it. And I've been overwhelmed, by the way, with all your comments and feedback about walking the dog. It really makes it worth doing. So thank you, my adorable dog-loving listeners. I think that's it. I'm off to find some new friends and dogs to chat to in the coming year. In the meantime, enjoy it. And remember this live tip. Find someone who looks at you. you the way your dog looks at one of your dirty old socks.

Right, come on Marnie. We're leaving now. Oh, what a lovely day for it, Jimmy. Is that your car? Yeah. Okay, and you're doing regional sales? Jimmy's being rude about my bends. It's very nice. Jimmy, are you rude about my Mercedes?

I'm just better, no, because I thought, I know, I know you like your Muck, so I thought I would tease you. You know, it does look a bit like I own a really successful chain of dry cleaners in the North London area. London area. Yes indeed. Well I just watched this show. Is it Ozarks or Ozarks on Netflix? Okay. About money laundering and suddenly, suddenly so many businesses now make sense to me. You know when you see a nail salon and like no one's in there? You go, I've never seen anyone in there. And you go, oh, that's a money laundering place. Welcome to North London.

I love your faux naivety. Why are you? Why are you? About money laundering. So we should say this is. My faux naivity about money laundering. Hey, listen, there was a bit of tax avoidance. There's nothing too bad. It's all paid back. This is Jimmy Carr, by the way. Oh, hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. This is Jimmy Carr. I'm walking my dog. I've got two dogs. Two dogs that are English toy terriers who are a, I don't want to say a nightmare, but they've both got sort of health issues, so they don't really come out a lot, which is just as well. I mean, they're only 12 inches tall. They're like a Doberman pincher far away is what my other dogs are like. They are like a sawn-off Doberman Pinscher, and that's how I see them. So they're crazy, like Taxi,

like Taxi, the little one, who I call Taxi so I could take to the park and shout, Taxi. I thought that might have been my name to the taxi. It's a good. It's a good name, right? Taxi and Macchi, adorable. I love them, but they can't be around other people because taxis a little bit. I don't think you got quite enough oxygen very early on and as a result of that, he is proper crazy.

But that's okay. I don't mind. I don't mind getting nipped every now and then. But then we rescued Marnie from, you know these people, Blue Cross. Oh yeah. Very good. I've got a photo shoot with her for Blue Cross this week with Rankin, who I really like. So we rescued her from, from, um, um,

from Blue Cross, although the rescue dogs don't get a rescue dog. Why? My nana got one and then she had a fall and it just sat there and did nothing. They're a disgrace. They're not the fourth emergency service that I thought they might be. The producer is actually laughing. That's good, Jimmy. This is Walking the Dog.

I'm Emily Dean and we're with Jonathan Ross and we're also with Snowball. Well, hold on, give him his full name. What's his full name? Professor Snowball. Is he a professor? Yes, he's a professor. Jonathan, I'm really sorry I didn't know that. Oh, you know, it's very typical of you, typical white privilege.

Your dogs always tend to have a sub-prefix, don't they? No, not all the many of them do. I mean, there was, you see, Yoda, who we had for many years, who sadly died last year. He was put down. He was very old, and he was the last few weeks of his life, he got quite ill. It was very sad. But in a way, it was kind of a very interesting experience and very useful experience. Because, of course, he was.

He was just, you know, ready to die. But he was often referred to as, as you know, as Professor Podomovsky. I invented a story for the children when he was young that we bumped into him while he was touring, lecturing on dog behaviour. And he took to us and needed a place to stay. But it wasn't really his full name. And we always knew it was the kind of, it's the kind of doctorate that gets given to someone like, you know. Paul McKenna or Phil Collins. You know, it's like, you know, they should really have the self-respect not to accept it.

We should describe. Snowball. He's a very handsome chap. He's a beautiful French bulldog. Yeah. He's probably six years old now, six, six and a half years old. Yeah. He has had a sort of like a difficult life because he was actually bought for me by Jane on my 50th birthday. Yeah. It's very easy to remember his age because I'm 56 going on 57 now. You look great. I look amazing but not as amazing as he does. And he has been through far more than me remarkably because I didn't know. Yeah, well I didn't realize that French bulldog, a lot of breed dogs, but this kind of breed in particular. We're prone to a lot of genetic disorders anyway.

Fairly early on, he had, we detected a heart murmur, so he was on pills for that. Then he got very ill, and one time I was meant to be going out. Oddly, I was meant to be going out to dinner with David Williams as a celebration of Barbara Windsor. And I'd promised to go, more because I love Barbara Winds, and I wanted to show my respect to her and my friendship to her. But I am actually, I mean, I'm not a recluse, but certainly I'm not keen on socialising. And so... I know, how did I pass the test? Oh, just luck.

But I decided I would make the effort. But I'm always worried because people know I don't like doing those things. When you cancel, you suspect their eyes are rolling back and they're thinking, obviously it's canceling. But as I was about to leave, I was feeding all the dogs and round them up, I couldn't find Snowball anywhere. And I searched for him and we haven't got a huge back garden. I mean, it's big, but it's not in all. I searched him for an hour in the back garden and couldn't find him. Began to panic.

And in the end, I found that he'd crawled into a tiny little space away from everyone to be on his own. And that's always a sign that a dog is not well. Yeah. You know, normally they go away from the pack when they're about to die. So I cancelled the Walliams Windsor evening and rushed him to, and it was after vet hours and we took him to a local animal hospital. And then they diagnosed him with the heart was still bad. He also had an ear infection that had got worse, which we treated for him in the past. They also said his spleen needed work.

There was loads of stuff. So in the end, he had a heart operation and they fixed the heart completely. but sometimes these dogs were born with only one aorta going into the heart instead of two it's really crazy messed up so poor little fellow you had heart operation ear operation then another ear operation nose operation soft palate operation spleen removed something was wrong with his leg and he went for all this in about a year and a half and of course he was one of the dogs in a house that's not covered by pet insurance i think i could be walking an italian car now sorry johnty should we go up here oh then where are we so where are we now i don't know we're lost but your life's nice right now

isn't it? No, my life has always been nice. Yeah. Even when I've had stress and concern, I've always, look, I am someone who tends to focus even in a midst of adversity. Yeah. On the positive. I mean, the other day, this is going to sound silly to you perhaps.

The other day, I remember feeling really happy. Oh, look, a squirrel. Oh, yeah. Hey, boy. Hello. And he's got a nut. It's like a squirrel posing for a picture already. He's so cute. I know.

Instagram squirrel. Hey, squirrel. I remember getting two things made me feel very happy last week. Yeah. one was my hands i was holding several things in my hands and i'm thinking man these are well designed this weird so lucky to have these things look at this and i was experimenting my hands now i'm 56 still my hands surprise and delight me every day yeah so i'm happy so that made me really happy that gave me a good spring in my step for the first half of the day yeah easily and every now and then i'd look down

they're still there still working but you know we take that sort of shit for granted they're magnificent your hands are a magnificent creation even missionary speaking I mean imagine if you didn't have an opposable thumb. It would be a nightmare. So that's number one. The other thing was, more than plumbing. I was going to the toilet, which I do more off for these days on the eastern. I remember thinking, oh, can you matter of fact of walking like half a mile out of the village

and dump into a stream and then come and there's no paper. I mean, I was playing tennis with David Bidill once and I desperately needed to go and I went behind a bush. I don't know if you've wiped your backside or leaves recently, but they lack absorbency. You did go to the bathroom in the woods. didn't you? It wasn't, well it was behind a bush yeah and I tell you that. But there were your own words well it sounds like you've got your own woods, you know what I mean. That was a big pile I left there. About a week later I had to blame, I said, oh maybe we've got a family of foxes living down there because it was still present. I'm here with Sarah Milliken.

So talk me through the commander. Do you call him the commander? Do you call him Tuvok? So he's a rescue. Yeah and he was already called Tuvok and you can't, yeah, you can't change your dog's name apparently, you can change your cat's name because we've got a rescue cat and she'd been abandoned at the vets for a few months and they didn't know her name so they called her Tinkerbell and we already had a cat chief Brody named after the character in Jaws so we thought we can't have bloody Tinkerbell sounds so namby Pamby when you've got a police chief who's closed beaches and stuff so we wanted a kind of military or at least with a he's having a lovely way on that post we wanted at least something that had a rank

so we called her Lieutenant Ripley and cats don't come to their name anyway so it doesn't make any difference but with a dog we had to keep his name but we were really pleased because we've already got two kind of filmic names to have to have it we got an email saying we think we've got a dog for you we think that you might like and where did you get to what from from the dogs trust oh yeah yeah because we just well we wanted a rescue for sure should we head over that way shall we yeah I don't really know where I'm going and we wanted a rescue and because my husband is allergic we wanted a hypoallergenic we wanted a hypoallergenic so we gave them a few breeds we didn't want a big dog we wanted

to know old our dog rather than the puppy oh no I don't think that was the way I think he's just showing his winky to things now that's what happens he runs out of way and he just does going and here's my penis so I'm just not used to that kind of behaviour you see fine with him welcome to the north welcome to comedy well yes true so so they sent us an email with a photograph of what looked like a like a medium-sized dog and said we think he might be good for you he's called two-book and I walked Gary up and said because I got it early and I walk him up and I was like isn't two fuck from Star Trek and Gary's a big Star Trek fan and I think that ain't me a few

brownie points with Gary anyway I should say this is your partner yeah my husband like proper and everything I'm going with your partner David Fernis your husband Gary Delaney he's a very successful comic and very brilliant comic indeed and two bucks dad and so we went to see him and we hadn't realized how tiny he would be when when we saw it when we met him because I forgot that the lady that was holding him in the photograph, come on this way, was quite short herself. And he had a winter's coat on. So he had like this proper like sort of like a bouncers jacket on. So when he came out, he was like this tiny little runty thing. And we were like, well, I mean, yes, he's adorable, but where is the other dog? Right, we're nearly ready. So we've got, Ray, I've got the poo bags. I've got the treats.

You've got the treats. What about Larry Lamb? What's he got? He's got a little bit of life in him. And if we get going soon you might not fall asleep on the way. Are you going to take Ray, George? What's he called Ray? Raymond. Yes, Raymond. Come on, Ray. I wanted like an old man's name.

Yeah. Glad you wore your box fresh trainers for the walker in the heath. I don't have any other thoughts, George, obviously. We'll swap sides because, and that can get my good ear to you. Oh yeah, okay, good. So shall I go in the middle? You go in the middle. The ham sandwich.

And I don't have a root. The proverbial lamb sandwich. We know the way. This is home turf. I walk this every weekend twice. I should introduce this. I should say this is walking a dog. I'm Emily Dean.

I'm here with Larry Lamb. Relaisance man. And I'm going to go national treasure. National treasure? Well, there you go. That's a bit of a sort of a... Take it, mate.

Just take it. Take it. Be happy of it. You haven't heard yours yet. No. I like the Renaissance man. That's good. I think he is.

So do I. And then we've got George Lamb, your son. Yeah, it's son of. Yeah. Them the younger. Fabulous presenter, broadcaster, DJ, Best Dressed Man in Britain. Once, I tell you, it's a struggle to try and hit those heights again. Well, I'm going to call George the People's George Clooney.

I'll take it. Do you like that? Yeah, absolutely. Happy with that, Larry? Yeah, exactly. I thought the other George Clooney was the People's George Clooney. He certainly got most of them after him, aren't they? The, I did the BAFTAs once.

I was doing the red carpet. Yeah. And these guys called Heckler spray. Oh yeah. And they used to do, so they do like a commentary over the top of actually what was going on. And they were, I was the people's Robert Patterson. That was, that was. Yeah.

But I'm happy to more, you know, to grow into the people's George Clooney. That's great. I love that. So we're here with my dog Raymond because the lambs are dogless, I should say. And is there a reason for that? Yeah. I would never allow them. Why not, Larry?

People don't like them. Come on, man. Larry! We haven't got Leamack's dog today because you don't have a dog. No, I don't have a dog. Does everyone else on this show have a dog? I mean, it helps, but sometimes. Am I the first without a dog?

I think Larry Lamb and George Lamb didn't have a dog. Well, they'd probably because the dog would keep chasing after them, surely. The lab show, yeah? You get it? I thought it was because they were handsome. No, no, no, because they're called lamb. I get it, I get it. Is it going to be like this the whole way?

We're going to have to explain them all. Oh my god. Oh my god, yes, let's move away. Oh my god. Yeah, they do attack it this time here. Oh my god. We've just come across loads of deer. Can we just explain what happened?

Yeah, they're camera-foy. Lee, this is extraordinary. The producer just pointed. Basically, we're walking along and how many deer would you say there are, Lee? I would say at least 40 or 50 there's about 50 there's about 50 deer. Everything's okay. Are they okay, these guys? Yeah, they're lying down.

They're not sinking, if that's what you're not. worried about. No, I'm more... It's not muddy. No, but what they do is they, they, they suddenly jump out of you, don't this? Like we don't have another Benton situation. You've seen that video. Yes, okay, let's, that was extraordinary. I wasn't it. You seem very calm about it, Lee. Well, they call me the deer man. So, um, that's just me fee. Come on, Snoop. Come on boy. It's raining there. Okay, you've got the umbrella. Got the umbrella. Yeah. Snoop's got his own umbrella. And why did you buy Snoop then?

I didn't buy him. I thought of it like that. It's like an item of clothing. Why did you buy that dog? Well, I never thought it was a purchase, but it supposedly did cost a few credit away back. We just wanted a dog at the time, like dogs. Yeah.

And why Snoop? I don't know. He kind of fancied a little lab and went down to the South Coast and found him and we took him back when he was eight weeks old and he went where's he going he took him and he was carcic all the way back oh no it was terrible he's in a right state

did you have a buyer's remorse a little bit we thought oh we've picked that one he was carcic for a few then he gradually grew out of that although he's still a little bit wobbly in a car he doesn't like travelling too much if you look at you and someone like Paul Gascoigne you're probably as famous as each as each other

at that time, weren't you? You were sort of two of England's biggest stars. And it interests me that your ability to handle fame and that level of attention, why is that? Why are you kind of okay? And why did you not... We're all different people. I think one of...

The other massive difference between the two of us, he's got far more natural talent than I had. He was an unbelievably gifted, brilliant, wonderful footballer. I was kind of more... thought, thought driven, I kind of worked out the process. Yes, I was incredibly quick, but I didn't have a great touch. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't dribble past you now. Not, none talk to you, your defensive abilities, Emily, but I, but I couldn't. I was not my game. I could knock it and run past someone occasionally. That was the, but, but I kind of worked out how to do things and I kind of manipulated things and I, my movement, I knew about movement. So we were different animals in all sorts aspects

Both on and off the pitch Which we're now going? We can go, we can go this way Under trees, less rain So you were saying you and Paul were kind of You and Paul were kind of different We're different creatures Yeah, I mean we got on really well

But and football was His entire life really in many ways He likes a bit of fun and stuff But he had You could see it back then You know, he had issues he had, you know, vulnerabilities, he had, you know, addictive personality.

So, you know, it's been tough for him. But you go in different ways, don't you? I was given a mental resilience. When you say you were given it, by who? Well, I don't know. I was born with it. You're one of the most famous people in the country, but you also seem to handle it in a unique way. And I'm interested as to why and how that is.

And is that to do with your parents? Is that to do with you? Well, they say most things have come from the parents, in genetics, etc. Both my parents were... I mean, my dad could be a bit fiery and my brother's entirely the opposite to me,

but... So who knows, really, well, how much the influence comes down. My grandparents was a big influence on me, my grandfather, I should say. And then, I don't know,

if we all understood why and how and, you know, psychiatrists would never have a job. Well, yeah, but... Do you go to, have you ever been to a psychiatrist? I may have been. Wait, this way, let's get away from the road. Come on.

We'll go back down here for me. So that means yes? Well, you've got to try everything, aren't you? And how did you find it? I find it all right. I quite like, yeah, it's quite nice to talk to someone. Because I go and I really like it. I have a therapist.

Yeah, I'd recommend it to anyone, really. Would you? Yeah, because we all have, you know, wherever we are, we have ups and downs in life. life, don't we? And if you, you know, if it's open to you. Yeah. And you get the right person. And I think it's, um, like I think it's brilliant that you said that. But I think it's amazing that you said that. We have to toughen up, don't we? Yeah. You know, we're seeing to be, oh, you know, can't show weakness. But I think we're all, we all have our concerns and our

worries and our fears and. What are you, what are your concerns? What keeps you up at night? It's not so much fears with me. It's, I'm not very, you know, I don't like confrontation, which Really? Only with people that count, not talking about social media here. No, or Alan Shearer having an argument with you. Well, we don't, we're arguing about a football thing. But I don't suppose I don't like letting people down, stuff like that really. That's probably my one kind of area where I find it difficult.

Do you cry? Oh, yeah, I can cry. I can cry. I'm nearly crying now I'm talking about it. No. When did you last cry? I'm giving a softy. Oh, I cried on the plane terribly.

What movie was it? When I just came back from New York. What did I watch? Terribly. Oh, that lion. You seen that? No, is it sad? Well, it's not actually that sad in a way.

Some of it is, but it's very, yeah, very kind of emotive, I found. It's good. Highly recommended. Here we go. Okay. So this is so exciting. Thank you so much for being on this. I should say, by the way, this is Walking the Dog. Yeah. And I'm with Adam Buxton. Hello. Who is, I would describe you as writer, comedian, actor and king of the podcast.

Yeah, that's exactly how I describe myself. Really? Do you think that's a fair description? Well, I think that's flattering, but yes, it's what I would, those are all the things I have done and would like to do more of. So we're at your home which is, let's just, let's keep it vague. Well, it's, I tell you where it is. So it's not a kidnapper's guide. No, it's near a village called Windham. Okay.

And we're here with Rosie, who is adorable. And so people who listen to your podcast, they'll be familiar with her. Because she's on, she starts, she's on the podcast with you. You have your little ramble, don't you, at the beginning with her? Mm-hmm. Well, she's about four years old, three and a half, something like that. Don't take this wrong way, but she looks older. Oh, yeah.

Well, she's wise. Okay. Plus she's shaggy. I don't know. I don't know anything about dogs really. I'm offended. You said my dog looks old. Wow.

Are you genuinely offended? No, I'm not genuinely offended. That is quite rude of me, isn't it? I don't, I mean, is it rude? You did say, don't take this the wrong way. You must have known it was pretty rude thing to say about a person's dog. Your dog looks very old. What are you doing? You're working your dog too hard. You're cruel.

But is that rude? I mean, that's an interesting point. Is it rude to tell someone their dog looks old? Yes. If you said to me you look old, I'd be pretty upset. But a dog looking old, that's okay, isn't it? I'm with Matt Lucas. I'm Emily Dean. I'm with his two dogs. It's hob. That's Hobb there. And Milo.

And Milo, yeah. And Hobb is a... He's a Labrador with some German Shepherd in him and he's eight and a half and he barks non-stop and mylo is 10 and a half and he's a chocolate labrador but we're in a lovely area of um london london so have you always had dogs matt when you were growing up no never had dogs and my late partner really wanted a dog so mylo was the dog we got together and hob was the dog he got shortly before he died and so i took him in.

Oh, how lovely, Matt. Yeah, so these are my, these are my dogs. Yeah, so I never really planned on having dogs. Really? Were you a doggy person when you were growing up? Were you not? I was terrified. And in fact, my memories of being, you know, a child or going on a, you know, a playday

to someone's house when I was sort of four, five, six years old and somewhere in Stam or, you know, with those corrugated glass, you know, windows on the front door. And you'd ring the bell and you'd hear a dog barking and you'd see the paws. of a giant dog up against the glass. And then I would just be sort of freaked out and terrified. And there would always be whoever's mum holding the dog back of having to shut the dog in a room because I was too afraid of dogs. Which I mean when you're small, dogs are enormous.

No, I'm not allergic to dogs. I am actually allergic to cats. Oh, are you? Which is a shame because cats are brilliant. I love cats. I'm here with John Bradley from Game of Thrones, who you might know better as Samuel Tarly in Game of Thrones. Hello.

Hi John. And it's like we're in a chat show, but it's in a massive park. It's a massive park. Yeah. We're in Montlow Park in Highgate. Yeah, it's gone Alfresco. It's beautiful here. Normally, I've heard a couple of these, and normally you go to the places where people live and interview them with their dogs.

Yeah. I don't live here. Yeah. And I've not got a dog. So, so... Why are you doing this show? Pardon me breaking from the form so dramatically. But yeah, this is your manner, isn't this is Highgate?

This is your neck of the world. Yeah, and you're from Manchester. I'm telling you where you're from. But you're from Manchester, but I thought it would be really good because I know you've had a few bad run-ins with dogs, and I thought you could meet my dog Ray, who's a Shih Tzu, and we could take him out, because I want you to overcome your fear.

Yeah, I must say he's a sweetheart, and I would say that I'm not sure that meeting the nicest dog in the world is going to make me go over my problem, because the next one I meet isn't going to be the nicest dog in the world. Some people say that when you become famous, Yeah. It's not you that changes, it's the people around you. Do you think anyone is different with you?

It's weird, it's weird that. Because I think that that works for people who are slightly more casual acquaintances. Okay, yeah. Like casual acquaintances will text you for the first time in years and say, how are you doing, would you like a drink? I watch your show and I really like it. Right. With my closest friends, or my closest friends from, just kind of pre-year,

pre-game of Thrones. I genuinely think, this may be unfair, but I genuinely think that they're trying so hard not to change. Yeah. It's actually becoming really quite stubborn

and dark. What do you mean? Because, well, this is a thing that I have people from high school that I've not spoken to getting in touch and saying I really like the show, congratulations, you know, blah, blah, blah.

three of my best best friends from childhood and uni I've never seen an episode of it and I've pretended for years that it's fine but I just I am a little bit hurt by it I think that they don't want to watch it because then they'll like it and then they think that that'll make them one of those people as in a kind of false new friend yeah as in people who turn up and just want to talk about that

and they come up it's the excuses I mean they come up with excuses like I was enjoying it and then you came on and ruined it Is that what they say to you? I go, what do you mean? Well, they say, well, don't take offence. I went, well, you know,

if I do take offence, it'll be on my terms. And then they go, no, no, you ruin it because I'm really, I've really bought into it and then you come on and you take me out of it. Right. But you destroy it and I think, oh, come off it.

I don't believe it. It sounds like, like an actor making up excuses for why he's not learned his lines. But do you think, actually, John, thinking about that, I can sort of see from the outside that that is perhaps, that is them just, as you say, trying to almost oddly reassure you that we're not interested in that. We don't care that you're an actor.

We don't buy into that. And I appreciate that it's a very convoluted way of essentially saying we like the real you. Yeah, and I guess so. I've always been so cool about it. And I've always said, no, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I think he shows a lack of faith in me that I think I'll change if Suddenly they start to say they like what I do Trust me to know the difference between you and Johnny come late Liz. I'm Emily Dean and I'm with Russell Howard and

We're with his lovely dog. Can you introduce your dog? My dog is called Archie. Yeah, or Arch or Archibald or the people's prince or the mutter of Ishra or Sweet, Sweet Arch. He has many names. And what is he? He's a Jack Russell. Yeah. Yeah. A parson, I think.

Oh, really? Okay. Yeah, yeah. But he had a palmer virus when he was young. So that's why his kind of paws are a bit sort of bigger and his tongue is a bit bigger. So he should be bigger than he is. Oh, really? That's why he walks a bit like Liam Gallagher.

I was trying to work out where I recognise that swag of. Exactly, yeah. So he's bringing it back. He could go on slams in their eyes. So how long, and how old is Archie? He is seven and a half. He's 57. If he were a man, it'd be 57. But it'd be a fairly weird 57-year-old man in that he's got a lead on. And he's taken to eating frogs. Like, one of my favourite things of the world, I really like, just reminding me,

seeing those two old girls there. I really like seeing a really old, wrinkly woman in a sports car. How dare you? I love it. I don't know why. Really? Why? Why is that? Because, in my primitive way, I think she's fucking earned that. Like, nobody's given that to her because she's a dolly girl. Do you know what I mean?

Like, she must be absolutely sensational. You know? I think that is the best thing I've ever heard. You're so right. Because, okay. When you see a young, beautiful woman in a really hot car, you think, well, yeah. I mean, she's, you know. But it's horrible because she may own the car, it may be hers.

I make the assumption that in some way, you're beautiful. has bought that car. Exactly. But no, you know what I think? I said to someone recently, it might have been Frank on the show, and he said something, and they were talking,

and that is to do with getting older, I'm in my 40s now, and he said something, yeah. And I said, he said something about being attracted, and I said, but that's not my currency anymore. It really isn't.

It's like, to me, he may as well be talking about Drachma. I don't deal in that anymore. Do you know what I mean? It's all changed. I'm in euros now. I can do what I want. Wait.

So we're heading out of the door. We're going on a walk with Colin the Pug and Russell Kane, his father. This is where the first thing where you go wrong with dogs, you exit first. You're the pack leader. Russ, we should say we're in your brand new home. I've been here 24 hours. So we completed on the house about a week ago and we've had just some bookshelves and stuff put in. So Lindsay moved up on Saturday.

What's today? Right, so that was two days ago. And I was gigging, obviously, working on Saturday as you do the day you're moving. Did you go through a filling your boots? Yes. Period. How did you find that? never really got boot sized because I was only single for about 10 months.

So it was definitely an ankle trainer. And how did you find that? I mean, obviously it was very nice. Disappointingly, easy. So what happened was... What do you mean disappointingly easy? So my mum has just got sick over the years. I make a joke that she's got a photo frame on her shelf and it's so thick at the back

because I've got my arm around yet another girl who's definitely the one. So I'm serial monogamist. Unlike, I'm like probably more of your female friends and your male friends. As a rule, when you're in your 20s, lads go on lads holidays and bang themselves centres and get out of the system. I never did that. Whoever I slept with, I would fall in love with, no matter how inappropriate or ill-matched we were. I think the longest I was ever single was about a month. So it's obviously got some issues there, not to do with sex, but to do with emotional commitment

because I would just be like, I love you, after a week. And they weren't short relationships either. either. They were always at least two, three years. What's that sort of wanting to be needed thing? I honestly don't know because I'm very, very independent, but if you think most stand-ups want to be needed on some level, they must be. I think I just, I don't know, I just, I like, I just like having a girlfriend, but what's happening was where I'd never been single and then I started to appear on TV and on stage, I had female, for most guys who are, like manhors, it's not really a problem.

Girls as a rule don't come up and throw themselves at you in everyday life. It just doesn't happen to most bloke. But when you're on tell you, that changes? It changed. So for the first time in my life, I had female attention. And because I've never been single, I'm sure girls have the same level of curiosity. That was all getting mixed up in my head. So when I split up with Charlotte, my mum was like,

you have to have a year on your own this time. Or you're just going to fuck up another girl's life by getting into something you're not ready for. I'm Emily Dean and I'm with the very lovely Catherine Ryan. I'm going to talk you because people obviously can't see these fabulous dogs but you've got to you. There's a little black and white one. Let's start with him. That's a little girl and her name Megan. Megan. She's the newest one and she's a 10-month-old teacup chit-su. She is absolutely tiny. I love her and she's so sweet. She's like a little like a lion, like a bear cross with a kitten. You know? That's a good thing to be. People think she's a cat. And there's another fabulous dog

in what looks like a Chanel coat of some sort. And a pink lead. He's a boy. Oh, a boy. This is your local park. Yeah, have you ever been here? Do you know, I haven't? And I'm a local, because we're in the same manner.

It has to be said. Girls in the hood. That's Manny. Is it teacup, uh, Yorkie? I got him in Wolverhampton. And then you have a third one. This is a Pomeranian, right? No, everybody thinks Dahlie's a Pomeranian.

She's actually a very rare Tibetan Spaniel. Oh, wow. She's a Buddhist. She's from Tibet. She's boring. by Lincolnshire. Yeah. You seem like a quite homemaker.

Yeah, well for sure. I don't want to go out ever. It's my living nightmare to go on a date or to go out in Soho on a Saturday night. The dates are horrible anyway, aren't they? I don't know. I've never been on a date. I know. I only, what I have is friends that slowly start living with me.

And then they're my boyfriend for about three years. And then I find another friend. Americans. See, much more into this whole, like, New York. Like, so we went out of day. I hate that. And then they have, like, rotation, and there's five guys at once, but they're not sleeping with them.

And it just seems like a lot of stress, whereas what British culture tends to be is you just go to the pub or you go to dinner, and then after a few weeks, you think, well, should we just take this a stage further? Yeah, no, this is exactly affecting my life right now. I have an ex-boyfriend who for a while, because we are in long distance, he said, well, maybe we should just, you know, go on some dates for a while with other people. And I was like, what?

What do you mean? Yeah, because. How long had you been with him when he said that? No, I'm not very long, but he's American. And so I can't really fault. It's his culture to do that, I guess. Yeah, they have that exclusivity thing, don't they? Yeah.

And I just think they don't realize you do have to be sensitive. of someone else's culture, I guess. They don't realize that that will cause a lifetime of trauma for someone like me. There's no way that I would just be like, yeah, okay, well, we'll get back together after that, and I won't want to know all the details of these women that I need to murder.

Like, I'm not, it's not okay with me at all. Even it, and then it will be... Yeah, but Catherine, at least you told you. I think that's happened to me, but I found that afterwards. Gross. Well, it'll only be a coffee or whatever, and really, people are having coffee all the time. It shouldn't be a big deal.

But when you say it to someone who doesn't have that culture. But then I don't get that. Because if you're happy with someone, then you, to me, I think you just tolerate the distance. And it's like, you can't say, oh, well, I want to audition some other people. Yeah. Because that's what it is, isn't it? An audition process, essentially a date.

That's what you do. But I know girls, I have an American friend who lived in New York for a long time, and she met her husband there. She was just going on loads and loads of things. going on loads and loads of dates and for some people that's what works and then for some people on a break they go on loads of meaningless dates and it really pushes them together and they say actually that was a really big mistake let's get married let's get the dogs out the yeah i should say we're in the kent country side yeah we're in kent yeah this is quite spectacular i mean i don't know

you're done so well for you don't mind you saying i've seen your act how do you get this place What was he doing there? That was baguette. That's gone running up onto the camera rather. Baguette. Come on. Come back. We're walking up. It's a very leafy terrain. Is this all your land? Yeah.

And what you've seen before about living here? I do sometimes just go out here, wander around and just go, talking bollocks paid for this. Limited GCSEs. The only trouble with this is, you know how like it's always dog walkers who find bodies? you know what it is which would make i mean it'd be great for your podcast let's be honest my life brilliant i got the most charmed like you know perfect set up you know what i love right is the fact that the very premise of this podcast is we're taking a dog for a walk and the other dog has just

pissed off the other dog's just gone yeah you know there's some i'm not having that there's some deer over there and it's more interesting I just fell like you. That was... Every time somebody falls over, I mark it with an orange arrow. Can I just say, are you sure that's not a trap? I've lured you both into the woods. I'm Emily Dean and I'm here with Alan Carr.

So nice to have someone with me walking the dogs. So lovely. Thank you. And look at you in your high street shoes and your Costa coffee, man. If people could see, it's like we're in the middle. of a forest. Where are we? The Amazon. But you know,

you know, you straight people. You move to near schools, don't you? Where there's a better, you know, catchment area. Why?

I forgot to have children. Oh, well, you don't move then. They don't need to move. Let me explain that we've got now. We've got three Irish setters. I was going to say

there's a load of them here. Stanley, Bev, Joyce, Molly, who is a Rhodesian Ridgeback cross with a staffie. Who, can I say? is going to be a star herself.

She's on Super Vet. Is she? Yes, she's had a terrible time. She was chained up in Tower Hamlets and she got re-home to our neighbour and then her shoulder kept coming out and then she had to, well, I don't want to be grim but she had to be operated on it.

But she's going to be a celebrity. It's a bit like Danny Dyer's trajectory, isn't it really? Yes. You never got to meet my mum. My mum was properly the funniest person I've ever met. Like, not in terms of kind of gags, not kind of what I do, like, I've written this joke and it's like a magic spell and you will laugh when I say it. Like she just organically had a, was just funny. Was she?

Yeah, well, I think I had a really interesting chat about mums the other day with Clang, Jim Carrey. I'm such a big hitter. I've just got back from this comedy festival. But we had a chat about mothers. We were chatting about, because he said this beautiful thing on stage about how most comedians, you know, people talk about tears of a clown. Yes, they do. Oh, hang on, did she just do a poop. I think she just did a poop.

I'm going to run in. Poop, you do a poop. I really hope that's Marnie's poo. I'm pretty sure it is. I mean, I'm not being, not being sort of specialist about this. It's definitely not mine. Yeah, but it's quite big. It looks like it could be sort of Greg Davis's poo.

Greg Davis is, he's mainly an indoor man these days. I'll say 90% of the time. That might be it for money. Perfect. So we're chatting about mothers and saying, that cliche about comedians, like the tears of a clown, they're all depressed. Yeah.

I don't think that's true, but I do think universally, you can ask any comedian you know, oh, did you have a sick parent? Did you have a mother or a father that needed cheering up, either depressed or physically sick? Right. Right. That's almost 100%. Really? Of like, oh, they needed cheering up. They needed, you needed to make it all right.

And what was true in your case, then? Your mom was ill, yeah. Yeah. And a bit depressed or whatever, you know, laterally. But just, you know, but comedy had like that was the way of kind of making everything's all right. If we're laughing, then everything's okay. And was that your role in the family, do you think, as the person, you were the funny one? I'm not sure whether I really had much of a role, not a key, you know, I mean, one of the kids.

One of the kids, try and keep quiet, stay out the way. Because I heard you talking, I listened to your Desert Island Discs and I absolutely loved it. Well, that's what this show needs some records. Well, I know, I was going to say, I mean, I... We're walking a dog. Saw Jimmy Carr, you've chosen, Beyonce's crazy in love. I did. But no, I loved your...

Death Car Paracuti. It's not such a good... sound like Frankie Boyle. Yeah, same same. That's what I hear. Bye. Hi, Lois. I should say...

Have we started? I'm at Gabby Logan's house. She's very kindly invited us up here in Buckinghamshire. Gabby, go on. As we walk in, tell us who lives here. It's so exciting. So Mary Berry lives in the village. And...

The only cook in the village. Well, you say that. I saw your cooking. She's been around for dinner. I've had around for dinner. two weeks ago I had to cook for Mary Barry. You didn't. Yeah.

What did you get? Well, I'd be around to her house. And so, of course, I had to do the invite back. And she knew the people that lived here, three people before us. What was the food like that she cooked for you? You've got to say it's nice. Traditional? Beautiful.

So not... Shepherds pie? No. Guinea fowl and Tarragon sauce, which I would say that is about as traditional as you can get, is it not. She did do a recipe for my own book, which was a salmon moose. Do you know what the thing she's got that I'm most jealous of? What? Not her ability to make a phrase.

tart in the blink of an eye. She has, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, she has a walk-in bridge. She has a fridge that you can actually, you could actually sit down in. It's bigger than an average larder. And she, I love it to fit. Well, I've seen your larder. Your larder is basically the size of bark shirt. She said, she said, I said, that's amazing. She said, do you know what's brilliant about it? And she said this without any kind of sense of, you know, the no grandeur or anything? She said, you know when you get four or five bouquets and you don't want to put them all out at once. You can just put three in the fridge and put two out.

Look at the size of those dogs. If one of those wants to eat you, you want no more than a snack, Marnie. Oh my God, they're huge. Yeah. What are they, Jimmy? What are they? I don't know. I don't know.

Again, this isn't very interesting for you, but they're big boys. Whatever a cross between a dog and a horse. That's essentially what they're up. They look a slightly bovine. Hey dude, what kind of dogs are those? An American bulldog and a French mastiff. An American bulldog and a French mastiff. Wow.

I don't know who sold you them, but they're the same. You know they're both the same. They're both rescues. They're both rescues? Yeah, I got, mine's a rescue, but from a burning building, like actually a rescue. Actually, and it was pretty dangerous. I don't want to make a big deal, but I'm basically a hero. We better get away before one of your dogs.

Nice to meet you. They're beautiful, aren't they? Oh, they're lovely dogs. I bet they eat a lot, though. Mainly children. So tell me about Tara. So Tara, we met at, yeah, we met at college. And did you really fancy her when you first saw her?

Well, you know, I think, yes. So Lancasterian doesn't like talking about it. Do you know what? I'd like to pretend I remember the immediate moment. We were friends for a while, so it was, yeah, obviously I'd fancy. her because I wouldn't have ended up. I don't believe that anyone who ends up with somebody doesn't fancy them from the beginning. Yeah. But it was more, we sure the flat first, put it that way, as flatmates. Right. There was three bedrooms, the small bedroom, the middle bedroom and the

big bedroom. This sounds like the start of the Goldilocks story, right? Well, Goldsie Luxxx on the adult channel. So, and there was me, Tara and a girl called Becky. And we drew, we couldn't afford, none of us could afford to pay more for the big room. It was a much bigger room. So, but none of us could afford to pay more for it. Oh, I'm losing the romance. Right, so what we decided was, what we decided was to draw straws about who had the rooms, right?

What are! Listen, there's a point of this. We drew straws for who had the rooms. Now, I drew the little room, Tara drew the middle room, Becky drew the big room. Becky's there for 24 hours and she has to go away

for two weeks, for whatever reason, holiday or summer. Now me and Tara are in there. Should we start heading back by the way? Let me know if I'm boring you. Are there... And then Tarra, and then Tarra, you don't get this on parking here. Mid-A anecdote.

Richard Burton in the middle of his anecdote. That's when, hey, me and Elizabeth. All right, should we get going back? Yeah, go on. No, I'm just aware that you can go. There's a relevant point to this. So I've got the little room, Tara's got the middle room, Becky's got the big room. Becky goes away.

Meanwhile, me and Tara get together and are now a couple. Lovely. And you made your move one night. Yeah. And then she left me. tell Becky. That's quite a hard thing to tell someone, right? Well, she's suddenly living with a couple. Tell me about it.

If I'm telling you. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, Tara goes out, very kind of her. And I, this is how I said it to her. I said, look, you know that I'm in the middle, little room

and Tara's got the middle room and you've got the big room. She went, yeah, I said, well, I'm in the middle room. She went, oh, Tara swapped with you. And I went, no, we're both in the middle room. And she went, you're going to share the middle room. And then I did the sign, you know, with the finger and the fist. Oh, you didn't. And she went, oh, I get it.

That's how we ended up together. Decided, did you ever have therapy at all? Yeah, of course. I see, of course. I ask everyone I do this with that. And I know I'm turning into some weird on the psychiatrist's couch, but I'm just fascinated by people that choose to have it and why. Because I have it, and I'm quite passionate about it.

And I really wanted to, come on, darling, I really wanted to be, sort of, I wanted to kind of get fixed, for want of a better word. Yeah. And I didn't fancy medication. And I was clearly at a very sort of low ebb. And I really want, I thought, because I like talking and I like talking things out. So I tried counselling. And it took me a little while to find the right one. Sorry, he's washing line in you, sorry.

Because the first one wasn't a good fit. And then the second one was better. and it was part of the civil service that you get a certain amount of sessions for free. Oh, okay. So I could have them in my... At work. Yeah.

And I was very open about it at work anyway. And they all knew I was like crying in my tea a lot of the time anyway. Isn't that terrible when that happens? And you just think, if I can get through the day without crying, is that kind of breakup. I don't know. I don't see it like that at all.

I think crying is really good for you and really healthy. Yeah. And it took a few people to sort of point that out to me early days because I think I was a little bit like that. Like, oh, I haven't cried for two days. And I think that's, I think if you need to cry, you cry, because then it's like a release valve, isn't it? You feel much better after that.

I think it's often the way I cope with things is to have a bloody good cry. And then I feel better and able to carry on with whatever it is, be it personal stuff, I work stuff or whatever. But I always feel that it's, I never punish myself. Like I never think, oh, I cry today. I always think, you know, I always think it's a positive thing. Yeah. As a way of getting stuff out.

I had a counsellor once who said that crying was talking without words I love that isn't great so you're sort of saying stuff that you can't actually verbalise you're just saying it in a different way well sometimes you're going

I'm just meant maybe she just means she can't understand me when I'm crying you're talking in a word Game of Thrones language every Friday I'd have a Friday's off from like 11 and I'd come back and just hang with Dad all day

because he wasn't working like he was having a patch at work. When was that was that? So that was pre Gavin and Stacey and EastEnders. Pre what I'm calling Larry Lamb 2.0. Exactly. There you go. Which was the resurgence. Well there was a there was a point with dad hit 50 for all actors you know at 50 certain men anyway I'm sure women it happens much earlier but you know 50 you kind of everybody gets knocked down the pecking order a bit you know because though the parts aren't there for you so you know if you were playing the leading role now you're playing the dad if you were playing the dad you're now playing the uncle you

know, and down it goes. And then at the same time, the reality TV thing kicked off. And so all the budgets for drama went out of drama and went into reality TV. And so there was no work around, you know. And that for me actually was the kind of like the bit where I realized that dad was just a guy, you know. Really? Yeah. And he, you know, I'm sure he won't mind me saying this.

You know, he had, like most, like a lot of men going through that whole thing, you know, like he had a bit of a breakdown. and I remember like I remember dad lying in bed being like you know in tears and me lying next to him like you know holding this great big guy who was my hero and kind of and he lost loads of weight and and just kind of holding him and thinking like oh shit he's just a dude like he's just a bloke and he's doing his best and you know and then that's amazing that I think your dad was able to be vulnerable with you absolutely and you know what your dad was saying earlier what Larry was saying earlier about that honesty with children and being honest all the time whether it's I've met a new partner do you know what I mean whether or not going to be with your mum just tell them the truth because they'll cope with it so many people get them tied up in knots telling lies yeah children basically will cope with everything as long as it's not dividing their loyalties if somebody's dead they'll deal

with the reality they won't like it right but don't get them involved in a situation where they're defending mum and dad right well you had that when your mum left didn't you yeah your dad slightly turns you against your mum yeah oh oh or tried to anyway yeah oh and so what you know what came out of his mum and I living apart was a situation where the implicit in the arrangement was no slagging off I like that Larry's made it so he said no slagging off which must have been quite difficult for my mum. Because they said in the therapists office.

No, there's the rules. Yeah. My guess, my rules, no slagging off. No slagging off. He had a big route. It was always on the phone. You and George's mum? Yep.

He was never exposed to rucks at all. So he wasn't around. Larry's picking up a face, George. Come on, me and you and Ray. So I... You can't walk too fast. As a dog really isn't having it. So that really is what happened.

We just didn't... We had our fights and there were a lot of them. but we did them out of the way of him and we never ever started each running the other one down you know I was always daddy if daddy was on the phone daddy's on the phone not that bastard father of yours on the phone none of that was going on

yeah and the same thing with me vis-a-vis her your life seems so kind of perfect well it's nice well it does so what isn't perfect like when you were growing up I can't see Did you have anything bad happened to you? I was, yeah, I kind of lost, I was thrown through a window at school when I was 15.

Really, Russell? Yeah, and I, how did that happen? Well, it was all very, there was basically, I played, it's all to do with football. Always comes to done football. But I played for a team and I was quite good. So I left that team and I went to another team and then I was hanging out with, basically, there was agro between my new, team and this team that I joined. So I was the only person that went to my school that played for this other team.

Right. Yeah, and it was all a bit weird and, you know, got slung through a window and lost all my friends. Well, you said it was all weird, what someone pushed you through a window? Yeah, a kid in the year above, sort of, like, to be honest, thank God he did, otherwise I had the shit really kicked out of me. So as it is, I took a bit of a beating and then luckily I was put through a window, which didn't actually hurt that much, but it caused, like, enough shock for him to kind of run up. otherwise I think you'd have really beaten the fuck out of me. But that must have been quite traumatic. Yeah, it was pretty weird.

The interesting thing is, because up to that point, I was just really good at football and just bouncing around, you know, normal kind of pretty intelligent kid, not super smart, not super thick, knocking along, and then that happened and I kind of lost all my friends. But it meant that- Why did you lose all your friends because of this argument? Yeah, and so it meant that I hung out with

the freaks and geeks and it was brilliant. So it turned- Because the plastics had rejected you. Yeah, completely. And it was really great actually. And it, and it, sort of often looking back on it, you know when people say, like of mouthy kids, you're like, what he needs, he needs a really good idea and it'll sort him out. And it turns out, sometimes it does help. And you came from a footballing family, didn't you? And did you, was that hard, sort of, when you suddenly rose you were going, was that quite difficult to tell people? Well, no, people say, oh, what was like coming out? I said, I was never in.

I mean, I was never in. I mean, everyone knew I was gay. Before I did, people were saying gay before I even knew what it was. Even your parents? I mean, they must have known. I mean, listen, there was never a moment where everyone sit down, I've got something to say, and this night comes as a shock. You know, when you're coming out and people are mouthing,

I'm gay, as you're saying it, you realise that maybe you have been a bit too camp. Do you know what I mean? And so it didn't ever feel like a problem for you in your particular, a family set up? Well, it wasn't, I'm not going to say my mum and dad were like, woo-hoo, yeah, our son is gay, yeah, let's get some bunting out. I mean, I'd be lying if I said they were over the moon.

But no, I mean, they're very accepting. As my dad's got old, she's got mellower now. Yeah. I think, I think, you know, he was pushing me to football. And I mistook that for enforcing me to be football. But his football, the camaraderie, the French, the performance, because I think it is getting out, they're kicking the ball out. I think he wanted me to do that, but I think he realises now I have that with comedy.

Totally, yeah. I have the friends. Yeah. I have the adrenaline rush of going on telly or whether it's live or something like that. So it's, yeah, I mean, I get that. And I see now, it wasn't him trying to force me or crush my spirit or my personality. He just wanted me to be happy. And I think because he was so happy in football and he's still happy in football.

Because he was a player and a manager and he's now a scout, isn't he? And now he's a scout at Newcastle. And how old is he? 71. So from 16 years to 71, he has been involved in football on every level. It's his life. And I think at the beginning he didn't realise. I don't think he realised that there was anything else.

But now he's so proud. I mean, on my Spexy Beast tour. I mean, he came to Birmingham MEC and a whole arena just there waiting for me to come on. And I think he was like, oh, Alan, oh, Alan. You know, I think he realised, oh, I see. This is it. I get it. And in a way, that sounded like a complete wanker, that arena is my pitch, my playing field.

It's my, this is me coming through those doors. Hello, Birmingham. You know, is the tunnel and the coming up the tunnel and out onto the pitch. See, if this was the movie of your life, that would be the big scene, wouldn't it? Yeah. where he'd say, okay, I get it, son. Yes, that's it. And then I would have tears in the eyes and come out.

And then it would end me going, hello, Birmingham. And then the credits would come down. I love that the movie of all life ends with Hello Birmingham. Okay, I've got a question for you. Yeah. Do you have therapy? Do I? No, I don't.

You see, I... He says I need therapy. Would you ever have it, Alan? No, because I'm very... I find it nosy. because he went to a therapy I said, don't tell him anything about me. And of course, you've got to mention me,

but I get me like, why does he want to know? What's he? I'm very suspicious. You find it lazy? But they sign confidentiality agreements. Well, why they wouldn't know about me? Oh, read my book.

Available in all good bookshops. Yeah, available in all good bookshops. I can imagine what the therapist would have to say about that. But the thing is for me, I'm a bit of a fantasist because I say, and I make up shit. So I would, don't nod your head, Your life's pretty good.

Both of your lives are pretty good. We've got nothing to complain about. So do you think... Oh, that wasn't nice. Oh, that wasn't nice. I'm only doing it because it's on the radio. I'm getting a very good energy between you two. We have got a great energy.

Do you think that's what it's about? And it's lovely. We started out having a route and then spending quality time with you, I found my love for Paul again. And I was going to dump him. I was going to kill him and bury him in these woods. Was it? Yeah, there were things, you know, little challenges here and there.

I lost my hair when I was six. Yeah. And so that just kind of, that gave people a focus on me that I probably wouldn't have had. You think so, yeah. And there's just, you know, other things. But everyone's got their things to deal with, haven't they? But I thought, I remember when I was reading it and you were talking about how, I didn't even thought of that matter.

that actually back then losing your hair, you say, they weren't bald role models. You couldn't go and get wigs easily, you know. There weren't many. Some children. Hello. Hello. Silly dog. That's not very nice.

He's a lovely dog. I'm mortally offended. Child called my dog a silly dog. Come on silly dog. Come on silly dog. But yeah, you told this story about having to, you know, you go to a wig and where do you go? There's like one shop or something, isn't there? Yeah, I got a wig on the National Health Service.

In fact, I got two, I got a spare one. And they didn't make wigs for children then. I don't even know if they do now. So I was given this kind of ladies buffon wig and it was sort of about three times larger than my head. And I wore it more like a hat than a wig. And of course I had no eyebrows, so it just looked so incongruous. And I wore it for some of, I think in my last term or two

at primary school, you know, because the idea was that I would wear the wig at secondary school. That was the plan. But I wore it at primary school and it was just too hot, too itchy. And I just thought, what happens if I go to secondary school and then one day, three years in, it just falls off or blows off, then everyone will know and I'll look ridiculous. So I think I'd better just be me. And actually, I find that interesting that you were saying that, you know, you were sort of always used to having attention on you in some way, weren't you? Yeah, I had it whether I liked it or not. Yeah.

Once my hair fell out because I could never hide in the crowd really after that. Yeah. But then I suppose you turn that into a positive thing, you know? Well, it's sink or swim, isn't it? I mean... Yeah, exactly. You know, what are you going to do with that attention? Yeah.

It was the question I had to ask myself from a young age, you know. But, you know, if you look at it, it was a cosmetic thing, but kids used to tell me that I had leukemia. And I thought maybe I do and no one's told me. So sometimes I wondered if it was a, if it was the beginning of the end, which is, it's quite, it was quite a strange childhood. The other thing that was quite weird was that everywhere I went, kids would just say, you got no hair, you got no hair. Younger kids, older kids, you got no hair. And it was a source of great amusement for people and fascination.

And some people just thought it looked awful and some people said, oh, it's so cute. But it was very objectified, I think. Yeah, yeah, I can see that. Yeah. And did you, it sounds like with your parents, though, I think I met your mum years ago. I can't remember, but it seems like your childhood seems like, what I would describe, coming from North London myself,

as your classic sort of North London middle class childhood. North West London middle class Jewish childhood. Yeah. It was until, until that happened. And that just was, it was just slightly strange. And then also the other thing that happened, my parents split up. And I write about this in the book, but my dad went to prison. And that was just a strange thing to have to deal with.

Because it wasn't like I lived on a street where one in five people knew someone or their parents or brother or someone had gone to prison. You know, I didn't live in that kind of part of town. There was no template for that, yeah. No, I didn't really have a frame of reference for it other than the TV. show porridge so I probably thought it was more fun than it was the first time I went first class was one of the most memorable experiences of my life yes because I was going first class but also I remember this so vividly it's like a film but I can play in my mind and where were you going were you going I was going

to LA and then San Diego for the first comic con I did first Game is Thrones yeah for 2013 thank you very much age of pain yeah thank you very much draining every last drop out of it Manchester style. I was on my own in the first class compartment and I said, he looks like I've got first class all to myself. What could be better than that? Well, I'll tell you what could be better than that. What actually happened next? I was sat there reading or something. A figure passed me walking down the aisle. He turned this man to put something in the overhead locker and it was literally a cinematic tilt up. I started at his feet, tattooed art, and he turned,

came into the equation. And he was wearing quite a fitted white t-shirt. So I could see that he was, you know that thing where you can tell somebody is somebody before you know they are? Like I could tell that this man was somebody. So I went up his body, a bit of tattoo poking out of the neck of his t-shirt, bang up to the face, lock onto the face, and it was David Beckham. Oh, wow.

I couldn't, I just couldn't believe it. And how long's the flight? It's about 11 hours. Right. So is it just him? The entire family were there. He was there and Victoria were there and all the kids were there. You got all of them.

Yeah, and yeah, all of them, all of them all in one place. So what I like is that you've gone into such forensic detail of what David Beckham was wearing. It was only a white T-shirt when Victoria Beckham was sitting there. Oh, yeah, I know. To be fair, I only noticed her later because I just couldn't take my eyes off him. Because you're a Man United fan. A huge Man United fan.

And also a Man United fan when he was a man. at the very peak of his powers as well. So what happened? And so what happened? And so I just thought, I felt like, I really did feel like a kind of man on the inside. It turns out I was the only person in the cabin that wasn't part of that group. Right. So I thought, oh God, what happens now? And I was reading an NME special about the Stone Roses, I remember. I was reading that. And I know that David's a fan of the Stone Roses. So I was kind of reading it at a strange angle, kind of opening it opening it in his direction so he could see what I was reading,

hoping he'd say, can I bavillend to your magazine? Nothing. Also preying deep down that he watched Game of Thrones, but, you know, I think he does now. I'm not sure he did them. Oh, I hope he does. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, so they all settle down. And I was just thinking, if you told me when I was 10 years old, that I would be two feet away from my hero, you know, in however many years' time, I just wouldn't have been able to believe it. Yeah. And when you experience people who have huge public profiles, when you have the privilege of experiencing them,

kind of domesticated, if you know what I mean. Okay, yeah. You see them in a very privileged position where you actually don't see them how the world sees them. Because he's not going to put on a show for me, for one person. He's in his family. I'm kind of an interloper into that family. And you just get,

slightly more of a measure of them. Yeah. And like I have to say I was so bold over by him as a dad. Why? What was he like? There was a girl. Oh Harper? Harper. A little girl. Yeah. He was probably about Yeah. She's a little girl. Yeah. Okay. She was being a little bit restless. Okay. Just a little bit restless. Well, I'd be restless if I was there at David Beck. I was the one getting restless. And there was a moment where he was trying to pacify her and he had her on his knee. and he was saying, no, be good. You're really going to have to be good now. You're going to have to be good.

We're going to take off in a minute. And it wasn't really working. And then I heard him say, no, you're going to have to be good. Otherwise, the man will come and tell you to get off. I felt like saying, David, you're the man. How can David Beck, when are you not the man?

And what I liked about that was that's exactly the same tactic that my dad used on me. Yeah. This mythical figure of the man. going to come storming down the plane and bust a few heads. No matter how globally is, he doesn't have as much respect in that family as some mythical man who works for British Airways. There we go.

We're in. Someone's there. Angus is there. The youngest. Hey Angus. How are you? I met before. I'm Emily.

How are you nice to see you? Nice to see you too. Oh, we're really wet. We've just been taking a dog for a walk. Interviewy dog walkie thing. You're good? I'm very wet, yeah. Soggy.

Shall we go down? Should I take my shoes off? They're really dirty, Gary. Yeah, but it's only wood. I think Angus, he prefers Angus. Give him a treat, goose. Left, left, left, left, left. Cubbered, low.

You got it. You must have some really good memories of those people, though, that you played with back then. And did you think, were you aware that you were part of something special? Well, you're not aware at the time until you kind of go through it. I knew from my experience of 86 in Mexico where you're actually in an environment.

It's like you're like cocooned. You're in a hotel. There's a security all around. You don't really see any. You see a few journalists. You do your training. You get on a bus. You go and play a game.

You've got kind of no outside contact in the world. You've got to remember back in the mid-80s, we're in Mexico. You know, players nowadays, they complain, don't they, about being bored and when they're on World Cups and stuff like that? And you think, bought, really? You've got, you know,

you've got your phones now, the computers, you've got PlayStation Xboxes, whatever you call, all these kind of things to keep you occupied.

We hadn't, we had nothing like that. We just had, basically ourselves. And I remember we could only make one phone call home a week from Mexico,

and that had to be from the main reception because you, no kind of decent phone. Yeah, exactly. So, you know,

when they, when they moan, funny, if the only call I got was from my agent. I'd got Barcelona, kind of having a bit of interest before the World Cup and then spoke to my agent before I left and he said you know

what do you want to do if it's I said listen while I'm with England I said I don't want any distractions I said just don't tell me about it I know the feeling he said and then after we heard nothing it was obviously very quiet for the first two games and I kind of haven't scored a goal and then I scored a hatrick against Poland then I got two against Paraguay and then I've my agent called me he's got a phone call at reception ooh this is exciting so I go down and picked something he said look at Listen, I know we'd agreed before, he said, but I feel I've got to say something because they're telling me, Barcelona are telling me, if he doesn't agree to sign now, the deal's off.

And I said to him, well, I can't do that now, playing for England in the middle of the World Cup. I said, tell him to forget it. I said, if they're interested now, they'll still be interested at the end of the World Cup. And they were. I think the fact that you've been with your wife for a long time is probably quite significant though to me I remember when I when I sort of knew you in the 90s and I really don't know why I vividly remember this

but I really wanted to tell you because I've never forgotten it we were all sort of staying hanging out drinking and you said I've got to go and we said oh no come and have another drink you said no I've got to I'm going to meet this girl and it was Sarah, your wife. And I remembered your words. And you said, I can't flake on her.

I can't flake on her. I'm worried. I don't want her to think that I'm flaky because it's really important to me that she doesn't think that. Oh, yeah. Well, she's in a different league to me in every conceivable way.

She's sort of, first of all, much taller than I am and considerably more intelligent. So, yeah. I remember that. that very well. Do you? I met her over in some pub way in West London. Yeah. It was a busy Friday night. It was quite warm night, I remember. And she looked, she had a big coat with a big furry collar. And to me, she looked like Sean Young in Blade Run. You know what I mean? Just brilliant.

Yeah. And she has all this kind of like really wild. Yeah, crazy hair. Andy McDowell hair. Right. And, uh, I, uh, I. I thought she was absolutely terrific and yes very sensible she's a lawyer so in almost every conceivable way the opposite from myself so I guess that tells you something about me but I don't know what. Louis Thru trying to sing which is to many people one of the greatest moments ever on the podcast yeah that's just Louis through trying to sing yes sir I can boogie and sort of thinking he's got a brilliant voice but it's actually not that great although a few musicians have since told me actually he's got the pitch is right.

Because I was teasing him and saying, mate, you're way off here. And he's going, yes, sir, I can boogie, but I need a satan song. I can boogie, boogie, all night long. But the other snow story, this is a sweet story. You know, I mentioned earlier on Betty's first dog, Captain Jack. Oh, yeah. He was an adorable shih Tzu. He was lovely.

Well, that was partly what inspired me to get shitsu. Well, temperamentally, you couldn't have a sweeter dog and just very pleasant company, just a joy to be with. And when he got ill, he had a lump grew up around his neck, some sort of cancerous, but fairly benign cancer growth. But once they had to get through his breathing, we had it removed, and then it started growing back. But then he started being in pain about something. And we had him diagnosed he had a thing called a nerve sheath tumor. So it's a tumor growing around the nerve ends up the top of the shoulder.

And they said, look, we can manage the pain, but he might not have long. He might only have a week. He might only have a month, maximum within three months. And I said, well, we'd like him home with us. If he's not in pain and he's got some quality of life, let's keep him. him alive. So we took him home. Fast forward, almost a year later, he's still doing fine. Okay? I mean, we have to give him pills every day, twice a day, but he's doing fine. He clearly, and then, I think it was February, it's very late in the year. I woke up,

and I went to give him his food. He wasn't, wouldn't touch his food. And he started complaining. He was growling, didn't want his mares, didn't want his food. And I thought, okay, this, I think we probably come to the end. So I called the vet to make him visit. And I'm stroking him. I could see he was very out of sorts, and it obviously was getting worse. He was yowling. Yeah. And refusing everything. Didn't even want to drink. and I thought this is not good. And bear in mind he's already had nine months more than we said the best chance we would have with him. And then, interesting, he was a dog who'd always loved the snow. When it snowed, he'd always love the snow. He would go out and be in the garden for hours in the snow. He'd love walking snow.

While I'm waiting for a vet today, it started snowing in the garden. And the snow, it was cold and the snow started settling. And I took him out in the garden and you could see it cheered him up on like. Oh, I'm actually going to cry. But it was such a beautiful thing. And even though I'm not prone to that kind of non- of thinking about things meaning anything when they are just you know it's just geography and oh no I think that's really lovely but he went and he just had the loveliest time in the garden and you could see light and he said and then we got back in his own he was miserable again and the vet came out and said no they

never tell you you should do it they say I think you should consider it and so we did we put them to sleep that morning and he was on my lap being stroked where he went to sleep that's that's the is the sad thing about dog is that, you know, you have had to endure multiple deaths. But it's sad and it isn't sad. I mean, that's the sad thing about life, isn't it? And is it sad? It's the nature of life.

I know it is, but it's the fact that it happens with quite a lot of regularity. You only get a small period. You get, what, 12 years? What, are you fooling yourself? Would you buy one? You think it's going to last for 50? It's like... Well, no, but I might...

Yeah, I'll get 12 years. Why is that? Why is that? I know I'm going... I almost put me in the bin last time I saw it. Seriously. That was because he went to the bathroom in your office. I thought the cat had coughed something up.

I was going to flush it away. So George, your dad had therapy. Did you have you had therapy? Lots. Have you? Yeah, lots, lots. What do you think of it? I think it should be mandatory for kids growing up.

I think it's absolutely crazy that, you know, they teach us all of this stuff in school, much of which is, you know, well, not most, a lot of which is very important. But they teach you absolutely nothing about how your mind works and how you're, how you're, spirit works and I think that's really sad because you know we then you know you fill these kids up with loads of knowledge that's supposedly the important stuff and you push them out into the world and of course you know the world's a big bad tough place and there's it's full of complexities and it becomes tough and then you don't actually have the toolkit there to deal with it you know and I

think it's really sad that there's a huge stigma around it and I think it's really sad it's really expensive as well it's the good thing with social music media That way. It's easy. Which can mean that people can send you horrible messages really quickly. How do you deal with that if you ever do get horrible ones? I don't get as mean as some people do. I get some stuff about my appearance quite a lot.

Whenever I've done a teleprogram, there'll always somebody who calls me fat or ugly or whatever. And the hard thing with that is that they're sort of tapping into stuff that I already think about myself because I have quite low self-esteem and sort of body image stuff anyway, which is pretty well documented in my sort of tour shows. So that's the hard bit about that. I find it really interesting that whenever I'm criticised it is about my appearance. Well, I think it's because people have a different sort of misconception as to what women are for. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And I think people think people are sometimes disappointed that I don't, they don't want to fuck me.

And I think, well, it sort of wasn't on the table, if I'm honest, ever. And it's like if I can't just be funny, that's not enough. And if people tell me that I don't make them laugh, well, I think it's odd that they've chosen to tell me. because lots of people don't make me laugh. I don't send them a message. I still don't mind that because I think, because it's when people say you're not funny and I sometimes reply to those and go,

no, no, like it's literally my job. Like, I pay my bills this way, so no, you're wrong. I mean, what you mean is I'm not funny to you. And I remember Chris Addison, you know, lovely Chris Harrison, he once said on Facebook, people are too scared to say something's not their cup of tea.

So it's almost like that's not extreme enough. People have to either love you or hate you. They can't just go, not for me, because it's not. attacking enough because it's quite an alpha job what I do I think sometimes people feel a bit like they need to show me that they can do it too so like that's when people shout out and try and be funny it doesn't happen that often my audiences are generally very supportive but sometimes somebody will shout out and you think oh you're giving it a go bless you know what i mean it's just gonna

tell you a good 10 years to get where i am but you know because that's how long it's taking me but absolutely if you want to keep trying there's a guy shouted at a new material gig and he was just he wasn't being mean he was just trying to be funny and i always tick and cry and my new material like I took it if they laugh and I cost them if they don't and then he tried a joke at me and nobody laughed because it was you know because it's not his job like it's I'm sure if I went up and you know I don't whatever he does fill the tooth if he's a dentist you know I wouldn't be any good at it either and and I just sort of commented that his new material gigg wasn't going as well as mine it's

quite aggressive because you get a big laugh to be yeah yeah you have to be because it's it's that no back down no sorries no apologies you know you have to be relatively hard-skinned because you are going out. It's when you think about it in a kind of sort of base level I am saying to people oh you must buy a ticket because I'm so funny you have to pay to hear me talk which is really weird. But does that work in the table? You know what I mean? I'm not like performing an operation. I am just saying you know that thing that you do in the pub with your friends I can do that in a theatre. It's just such an odd job. I want to ask you about your brother because you sent me a really lovely message

when you read something I'd written about my sister dying. That was an amazing piece. Well, it was interesting because you sent me a really touching message. It really made me well up, actually. Sorry to get so tearful so early on in the podcast, everyone, not what you were expecting. No, but you sent me a lovely message about saying, you just said, I know what it's like to lose a sibling,

and I kind of, I understand. And it's sort of a hard thing to explain to people, isn't it really, unless you've experienced it? Your brother died. How old for you? I was 19, just 19, and he was 15, just about to go to be 16. Yeah. And I think the thing about losing a sibling, only you together have lived all that life, you know.

And so with my sister as well, my brother was a lot younger than us, my brother Jordan, so he was six at the time. And so the four of us, you know, had, well, the older three certainly, had moved around all those journeys I was talking to you about, moving cities, moving countries, you know, all those trips, all those holidays, all those things. That's the three of us together on those journeys. And then, you know, suddenly, first of all, your history changes a bit, doesn't it?

But also the dynamic in the family is just, well, you know, it completely changes. And my mum used to say it was like a sledgehammer coming down and just kind of smashing everything smithereens and then seeing how over time it comes back together. And relationships can't ever really be the same. That doesn't mean they won't have any value or be lovely, but they can't ever really be truly the same as they were before. because everybody is different, everybody's changed. And you know, someone once said to me, I remember a lot of people, you know, you read things,

don't you when you go through it? And you're looking to something that will make sense of it. Yeah. And I can remember reading someone had said about bereavement and specifically the loss of a younger family member. You know, in my case, my sister was in her 40s, whereas your brother was obviously a teenager, but it's still that sense of going before your time.

Yeah. And I read someone saying, you'll walk again, but it will be with a limp when you experience something like that. And I think you then have this family set up where everyone's got a slight limp. Yeah. And everyone's sort of trying to sort of get through it.

But it's life, as you say, it's never the same again. It was actually after I've been doing school plays and stuff. It was actually there was a moment at a sleepover when I was about 15 or 16 where I just sat on a chair in the middle of the night. Everyone was in their sleeping bags. And the kind of, you know, there was about 20 school friends. and they said oh Matt you know you're funny make us laugh and then I just did about an hour

really yeah about the school and about stuff like that and everyone was in tears crying with laughter and I thought oh this is interesting because I didn't even know that anybody was going to ask me to be funny what's of doing impressions of people teachers and teachers and pupils and even then funny enough doing impressions that were clearly not even even accurate impressions and that's some of you know if you You look at like Dennis Waterman in Little Britain that we did or stuff we did in Rock Profile where we go out of our way to do impressions that are inaccurate and yet somehow get away with them. Sorry, Matt, Milo seen a squirrel and it's all kicking off. He won't get that squirrel.

Even if you took the lead off, that squirrel will... Really? Does he get... What's going on here? Because squirrels can go up trees and my dog can't. Oh, they're fast, yeah. He likes him though. Yeah.

Yeah. So anyway, so you realised that you were kind of... you had funny bones. Well, I learned, I discovered it, I discovered it as well as where everybody else seemed to discover it in that moment that night. Yeah. And it was, uh, look at my dogs. They love those squirrels. I'm going to let my dogs off the lead.

They're not going to get the squirrels. Should we let my love? Shall we let them off the leaves? Yeah, yeah, let them off the leaves. This is so exciting. I'm not a psychopath. There's no chance of them getting squirrels. Look, now that he's been let off the lead, he's got no interest.

It's all over. This is men all over. Yeah. You won't get a squirrel, Milo. You talk to. fully openly in the book. And again, if you're not happy to talk about this. No, go for it. I know you talked about your relationship with Paul and I found that really touching about when you guys met. And then also, what I really respected is that you were really honest about the

kind of struggles that you had. Yes. You were really open about Paul's kind of issues with alcohol and how you'd both dealt with that as a couple. The one grit in the eye about fame for me, the superficialness of it, I find uncomfortable a bit. And it's not what it seems, is it? It's a whole of mirrors. It's a lot of who are you, what, you know, the A list, B list, C list. And you know, so I went on the internet because I've all about to do research. I mean, like, oh, just stuff about you.

It's made my skin crawl. And I had to real resist. I didn't want it to be, because, you know, I've read biographies as well. I hate that when the comedians start going, oh, and then comedians today aren't funny. And, you know, naturally I had the last laugh and all that, you know, and I don't want to be like that. No, but I mean, writing about fame is like,

it's like, we're like nailing a boule of a bonge to the wall. It's like, what is it? What am I? I just found, yeah, I found it harder to write about. Can I just say we are actually lost? Are we? Not only lost, we're trespassing. Paul, this rings a bell.

What stage we're getting? Do we eat each other? We're coming to the end of our walk now, Alan. I've had such a nice time. Have you enjoyed it? Have you enjoyed the walk? It was the second time I've been here. Like I said, I've treated the dogs.

And they've loved it, haven't they? And you have as well. I've had, oh, you've decided for me. Yeah, I've really enjoyed it. I've really enjoyed it. I think what this demonstrates is the healing power of three things. Podcast. No.

The healing power of dogs. Yeah. And a good walk. nature. And having a bit of a laugh. Love and nature. Yeah, call of nature. I just want to take my clothes off and run into that wood now.

Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back soon with more Walking the Dog in 2018, which is OMG, the actual year of the dog. I'm so excited I could sniff a lamppost.