Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Diane Morgan

Episode Date: August 21, 2019

This week Emily goes for a walk with actor, comedian and writer Diane Morgan and two pugs belonging to Emily’s friends. Diane talks about her childhood dogs in Bolton, her job in a chip shop and her rise via Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe into one of the country’s best loved actors.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When I met you, you said, what I'm looking for ideally is a pug with, I think it was a blind pug. Yeah, a one-eyed pug. Well, these ones have got quite roomy eyes, I think it's supposed to say. I've got quite roomy eyes. I think maybe that's why I'd like them. This week on Walking the Dog, I went for a stroll with a ridiculously talented actor, comedian and writer Diane Morgan. Diane is longing to get a dog. Specifically, she said, a one-eyed pug.

I know. It was quite a challenge to rustle that up at the last minute, but I found her the next best thing, two pugs with two pairs of fully working eyes, belonging to my best friends Jane and Jonathan. We took the pugs, piglet and impi, up to Highgate's Waterloo Park. It was actually pelting down with rain. But Diane not only rocks an anorite beautifully, she's also one of those people who just manages to bathe you in sunshine. So was it raining? I hadn't noticed. We chatted about her dogs growing up in Bolton, her job in a chip shop and a worming factory.

the acting break that she got given by Peter Kay before her career really took off via her comic creation Philomena Kunk in Charlie Brooker's weekly wipe as well as Ricky Jervase's afterlife and Motherland. Diane is basically a total joy. She turned up with treats for the dogs as well as poo bags

and the pugs really left their mark on her, mainly in the form of slobber and eye gunk on her clothes. But hey, that's all part of their charm. I really hope you enjoy our chat. Here's Diane. Piglet, Piglet, impi. Absolutely nothing. Piglet. Which one of you is piglet?

Look at me. Piglet, piglet, piglet. Impie. Diane's not talking to me, by the way, just in case anyone thinks she's the rudest woman alive. Come on, Diane, shall we go this way? They're lovely. Do you like them? Yes, I really love them.

I'm worried about the breathing, obviously. Yeah. But I think it's just because they're excited. I think when they're not excited, they're very calm aren't they? Yeah. Well, I wouldn't say very calm, but... Although I think this breathing,

I think this is good because it's preparing me for dating quite a thick set middle-aged man. This is what you'd hear in bed, because you'd be every night. Come on, boys. So have we started? Is this it? Well, I do an intro.

What happens is I start walking and then I forget that I haven't done an intro. Oh, right. So I think I should probably do it now. It's a bit awkward doing the intro in front of, isn't it? Don't you feel a bit weird? No, I'm okay with it. Shall I do it? Yeah, do it then.

But then the good thing is if you didn't like it, you could maybe suggest or something. You could say anything you like, you know. Okay. Well, this is Walking the Dog. Oh, sorry. And I'm with someone who, I've been a fan of hers actually for a long time.

And so I kind of was a bit manipulative and sneaky in forcing her to do this podcast because she's friends with a mutual friend of mine, Connie Hark, so I'm a friend stealing her. I'm with the very fabulous Diane Morgan and Diane doesn't have a dog, so we borrowed two dogs for the day. Do you want to explain who we've got, Diane? We've got MP and Piglet. Yeah.

Jonathan Ross's dogs. It's always been a dream to take Jonathan Ross's dogs out for a walk. And they're two black pugs. Can they hear that breathing? They must be able to hear the breathing. Yeah, I think you can. Yes. I'm going to check how old they are. They're at least ten, I reckon.

But I wasn't sure of their names. I think it's piglet and impi because for so long... But then you shout that and they don't look. No. Well, Jane and Jonathan, whose dogs they are, they tend to just refer to them as the pugs. The family call them the pugs, which is rather sweet. Because they're brothers and they're really close.

I mean sometimes inappropriately so, which you might get to see on the walk. But I feel like I've drawn you in with the power of my mind. Why? Well, because I've been reading your book. And then all of a sudden one evening you were there in front of me at Connie's book launch. Oh, yeah. And you said you wanted a... And I said, oh my God, am I reading your book?

Yeah. That was my question to you. And you said to me you wanted a part. I showed you my dog and you liked the look of him, Raymond. Oh, yeah. But you said that you really had always wanted a dog. Well, I grew up, we were a dog family. Were you a dog family?

Were you a dog family? So, Diane, yeah, take me back to, it's Bolton, isn't it? Bolton. That you grew up in. Yeah. Did you have animals? Yeah, well, we had dogs and a cat. Which dogs did you have?

We had a budger for a while and a tortoise called pork pie. but I can kind of like remember periods of my growing up just purely by which dog we had at the time. Really? Yeah. So we started off with a sort of, what do you call a lassy collie dog. Oh yes. That was so lovely.

It used to be like a nanny to me. It'd follow me around and take care of me. Well, they were quite, I always think of those as, you know, when you think of a dog and you associate it with a decade, I always think of those as very 70s dogs. Yeah, they are very 70s dogs. You don't see those anymore.

Why is that? They're just going out of fashion. Yeah, people prefer these, you know. Isn't that awful? It's the year of the cockapoo, isn't it? I wonder what it'll be next. I know, I feel sorry for the collies. They're like the sort of Christina Aguilera.

They had their moment. And now they've got to give way to the others. Yeah, yeah. So go on. I had a cat as well that I was obsessed with. Did you? And what was the cat called? Merlin.

And, oh my God, this cat was so. funny. Really? It had funny bones. It was really hilarious. And then when it died, I was absolutely devastated. Oh no, it's really upsetting, isn't it, when that happened? It really is.

It shocks you, doesn't it, the first? I always thought, the animal death. Yeah, well, I was at drama school at the time, and my parents rang me up. I went to the phone box. Because that this was before my phone phones. Went to the phone box to ring my parents, and they told me. And I remember slumping in a heap. at the bottom of the phone box just sobbing.

I was so devastated. Oh, Diane. I know. I've never quite got over it. Yeah, no, I understand that. I've never got a replacement cat. Have you not? But now I'm more of a dog person, I think,

because cats are just a bit too aloof, aren't they? Do you think so? Yeah. So after the collie, did you have a dog after that? Yep, we had them after the collie. It was a bearded collie. What does that mean, bearded collie? Does it mean it has an additional view?

It's sort of like a Dulux dog, but not as fluffy. Okay. And that was a nutcase. And then after that we had a Westie called May. May Westy. Oh, May West is a good name. Yes. So that was that.

You see, that makes me think your parents, that's a good name. So they must have had funny bones. Or did you name that dog? No, my mum named that dog. That was sort of my mom's dog, really. but yeah I really want a dog now oh they're so cute aren't they? Do you love the pugs?

Yes oh well Jonathan my friends said when I asked if we could borrow them he said yes on one condition they're non-returnable I'd have them in a heartbeat when I met you you said

what I'm looking for ideally is a pug with I think there's a blind pug yeah a one-eyed pug Why is that your dream dog? Because I heard that the one-eyed ones are difficult to find homes for. And then I saw a picture of one and it looked like the cutest thing I'd ever seen. The sweet dreams? I wouldn't take a pog's eye out just to make it look cuter.

Not saying that. But I just think they just look a little bit more vulnerable, don't they? Yeah, they do. Well, these ones have got quite roomy eyes, I think it's fair to say. I've got quite roomy eyes. I think maybe that's why I like them, because I can see a bit of myself in them. Well, I have to say, you know, people always have that look like your dog thing, and I used to laugh at it. And then...

Do you look like your dog? Yes. Have you seen a picture? Yes, I have. Well, it's the hair, really, because he's got, like, baliage and highlights. So, oh, look, my book is... Are they doing their business? I think he's...

Oh, look at his little face. Oh, look. I've melted. They're almost sort of little Harris Tweed jackets they've got on, aren't they? Yeah, they're very smart, as you'd expect from Jonathan Ross's dogs. You're a dog family then? Very much so, but then, you know, how heartbreaking it is when they die. We were just beaten down by grief the whole family after the last dog died,

and we were like, like, that's it, no more, forget it. Yeah. Because you get attached to them and then they die, so we didn't have any more. anymore and when I say dog family because I always think about dog family the reason I always wanted a dog was because it felt like a normal family to me that you know there was some sort of structure and yeah you'd have breakfast and you did normal things yeah which we never did right as I'm discovering in your book I've only read about five chapters yet so don't I mean I kind of get what's gonna

happen you've given the title gives it away everybody dies but um But yeah, because I grew up in a sort of artsy, weirdo bohemian family, where we had sort of Chilean concert pianists sleeping on the sofa. I suppose I was just always jealous of those people that lived in normal houses and ate cereal for breakfast instead of canapet. Do you know what to me? You had a cannapeze for breakfast. Yeah, just because they didn't think my parents are we better feed the children.

But that's great, but now you can appreciate it, can you? Was that your background then? Was it organised? Your mum was a homemaker, wasn't she? My mum, the housewife. Yeah, everything was always done You know, the house was always clean There was always, you know, meals were always made

And yeah, it was a normal life And what was your dad, what did your dad do? My dad, uh, it was a physio. Oh, like a physiotherapist, really? Yeah And you had a brother, or you have a brother. Yeah, Stephen, who's six years older. So were you close to him?

Yeah, I think I've got closer as we've got older, because when you're young, six years is like three decades, isn't it? Did you fancy his friends or anything, or was it that kind of thing? Oh, no. Really? No, no. No, I was never interested.

I was always obsessed with comedy. You know, I was always like... Really? Yeah. Were you one of those... Don't take this wrong way, like old women children. You know, like...

Yeah, but yeah. I've always been a bit of an old person. Yeah, I was like that. I like boring sandwiches without mayonnaiseing and things. Yeah. And I just want a quiet life. I like a nice sit down, you know.

I've always been a bit like that. Too scared to roll a skate in case I fall over. And I've always hated that about myself. No one's ever offered me drugs. You know, because I think they're sense that I'm not going to.

want to take them. Yeah, but I like, it's a sort of... But I know, I know, I know, I'm old enough to know now. I know myself and I'm happy, I'm comfy with who I am. Yeah. Whereas when you're younger, you kind of think, you try and pretend you're somebody else. You try and become the people around you, don't you? No, I'm...

But you want to be with the cool... I always felt, I sort of knew innately I was never going to be cool. because there was always something a little bit nana about me do you know what I mean I wouldn't have said there was even a smidge of nana in you A very nana

Really? Yeah I was wearing fluffy slippers When I picked you up by Anne I've changed out of them Come on pugs Oh I keep staring at them What the pugs?

I'm going oh They're so sweet aren't me I just I follow pugs around I'll go to the pug and just follow dogs around I'm so desperate for one Yeah I think that's a sign that you should get. Well, we'll talk about that.

When we were filming Motherland, we had to keep stopping filming because I'd spot a dog and go, ah! And in the end, everyone would stop and go, ah! You know, they'll have, like, when Marilyn Monroe used to keep everyone waiting and they sometimes print the reasons,

you can see them for the delays. And it was always Miss Monroe complained of having headaches. They're going to have that of you. Miss Morgan. Miss Morgan had to pat a pug. Yeah. So do you, would you have described your background? It's a weird thing this class, isn't it?

But would you say it was working class? Yeah, I suppose so. Would you? Working class. But then at my school, it was an ordinary comprehensive. But I was always looked at a sort of like, what are the posh of kids? I know that it's hard to believe. But I think there was a lot of very, quite poor kids there.

Yeah. And I think just because I brush my hair, they thought I was middle glass. Were you sociable, like? Were you popular? Were you one of those kids? No, I was very quiet, very thin and quiet. It's head for the cafe dying because it's getting rainy now. Oh yeah, it is a bit, isn't it? Go on. Yeah, thin and quiet is how I'd describe myself.

Come on. Those are two words I'd never use to describe myself. But yeah, so you weren't the sort of, hey everyone, let's go back to Diane's. No, oh God, no. I was very happy on my own. Yeah, I'd have a couple of close friends, but I was never like a member of a gang or anything. You know, I was always, I was happy to spend time on my own.

God, I sound really lonely, don't I? Like a little old lady spending time on her own. Nana child? Nana child. The lonely children, or the ones who feel a bit other or... Yeah. They tend to be outliers in a way. So I have this theory that they're the ones who tend to go into the gravitate into the arts or creative industries.

Yeah, because when I used to mention that I'd want to be an actress, that people say, oh, you're not outgoing enough, you're not gregarious, you're not. Really? You know, you always expect the precocious ones to be sort of going into that profession. I think they become bad actors is what they become. Do you know what I mean? They do become actors, but terrible ones. Yeah.

The noisy ones. Oh, that's what I read in your book. Oh, am I allowed to talk about your book? Of course you. I spoil things. No. Everyone dies in it and I get a dog. I read last night and I went, oh no.

What was it? That you were like about, you neither got the part or you're about to be given these amazing roles. And you found out that you didn't get it last minute and you found out why. And your mum had turned it down. And they were like huge. It was with the Meryl Streep And I was playing how she ever got over that? It was hard.

I think my mum's reasoning was partly She didn't want your sister to feel bad But not getting up I think it was partly that But listen, I'm not going to lot I think it was also that she was an actress And you know She wanted it to be weird if you thought

It's a bit like those people that go along to those X-Factor auditions And say to their mate Oh will you come with me? Yeah. Give me a hand and they say, well, actually, we'd like your friend to be taken through and not you. Yeah. But honestly, Diane, it's interesting because I think having met you, you don't strike me as very needy. No.

You don't strike me as someone who walks into a room and is love me, look at me, give me attention. And I think those people are much more suited to performing. No, but I do. Whereas I think needy people that are a bit damaged, it's a dangerous profession to go into. It really is. And there's a lot of them, especially stand-ups. Look at this one. Oh, look. What's that then? That's a shih Tzu, I think. Oh, look.

Hello! Is that a Shih Tzu? Hello, gorgeous. It's spotted the pogs. What a beautiful dog. Oh, are they going to make friends? It's not sure, is it? I mean, it's not like we're in Croat. Look, this beautiful white shih Tzu. It's run off. And then here we are dragging the two Jabber the Huts with us.

Oh. It sounds like possibly you were just quietly probably thinking, right, one day I'm going to, it was acting you wanted to do, wasn't it, rather than comedy? Yeah, it was comedy. But I didn't have any kind of specific ideas about how or what I would do. Yeah. I was just always obsessed with watching comedy. My dad would literally sit me down and say, this is, how much. Cox half hour or watch this, this is funny.

So I'd watch it and I'd think, oh my God, this is the best thing I've ever seen. And I was like six years old. And I thought this was the funniest person. Yeah. Just because he was so miserable. I'd never seen anything like that on TV. How lovely. And was that your thing with your dad in a way that you shared that?

How lovely? Yeah. And I watched a lot of, like, Lauren Harbourn. because that was always on during the day when I was growing up. Yeah, me too, and Harold Lloyd as well. Yeah, Harold Lloyd, yeah. Oh, he's to love Harold Lloyd. Oh, he was great.

Didn't he blow a few of his fingers off? In real life? Yeah, when he was filming something. I found out my dad interviewed him recently. What? I know. I was like, what, that's so weird. It must have been, I guess he died in the 60s.

Yeah, I think so. But let's go here, Diane. That's incredible. Oh, I thought this was something. terrible. They're just pine cones. Did you think it was poot? Yeah. Should we go here? Yeah.

You see, this was a better choice, wasn't it? Oh, no, no, don't go under the chair. No, go here, boys. Come on. I'm going to bring that water over to them. Oh, yeah. Oh, look. They wanted a nice drink. Good boys. Lie down.

Good boys. Oh, God, aren't they lovely? They're so sweet. Their heads are like little velvet cricket balls. little tails oh they're so soft oh god they break my heart look at them I worry the way you're talking about these pugs is how men talk about me after a day oh it's having some water oh they'd break my heart never wanted kids ever no I don't either really yeah but the way I feel about dogs in them is like you know when you get women

get really brooded it's the same I understand that totally Well, it's funny because someone said to me once, someone asked me with my dog whether I thought it was a child substitute. Yeah. And I asked my therapist there, and I loved his response. He went, yeah, probably, that's all right. And I thought, but it's true. It's almost like seen as, he wasn't suggesting, oh, you're so, you know, you desperately want kids. And this is he was just saying it's instead of a child, it's something that you want to pour love into.

And whatever that happens to be, that's okay. it's your choice you know but they're so full of joy aren't they and grateful for the smallest thing so tell me so when you're growing up by and so you when did you know you were funny were you did you make people laugh a lot yeah but i was um i'd always sort of whisper things to people you know and then they'd say out loud and get credit for it that happened for a long time and then i'd spend a lot of time in my bedroom sort of trying to write things and trying to copy people that I liked, you know. Victoria Wood was a real heroin of yours, wasn't she?

Yeah, she was. And Julie Walters, people like, oh, look, he's licking the lead. But then I met Victoria Wood and I didn't have a very nice experience. What happened? Well, you know, my friend Maxine's doing dinner ladies. Is that Maxine peak? Yeah. Maxine said, oh, come over, I'll introduce you to her.

And I was just like, this was like meeting God. So she dragged me over her and I did one of those sort of embarrassing, oh my God, I think you're amazing. I've always been a big fan. And she just looked at me, looked me up and down and just turned away. And I was absolutely, I could have died. I could have died. I was so upset.

You know, she may as well have spat in my face. It was so awful. I was so upset just because she meant so much, you know. Yeah. To me and Maxine growing up, we used to read the sketches out. Did you say that to Maxine afterwards? Did you say how I was really gut it? Well, Maxine sort of knew what Victoria Wood was like,

and I think that she was sort of used to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But did you do okay at school? Like, did you academically? I did all right. I did okay. I can imagine you're quite studious? I wasn't clever. No.

I wasn't like a... I was good at the things you don't need to be good at, like art. drama CDT CDT D and C. Did you have that? I didn't do that. I didn't do that. I really used to call it woodwork but now they call it CDT D and C craft design and technology design and communication. My school was very old-fashioned it was just opposite here in fact. Oh really? So we did need of work which is coming useful. Oh I just want to squeeze them until their eyeballs pop out. Not you.

Oh! But apparently that can happen with bugs. Have you heard of that? Yeah, they get detached retinas. Oh Christ, can you imagine that walking around with a pug with an eye on its cheekbone? But then you meant to put them back in yourself, aren't you? Oh, God. Oh, not doing that.

I'm fascinated. I just read the phone call to Jonathan saying the war went well. Yeah, yeah. We've got an eye in my mind. hand what do I just bring it back I pack it in ice and bring it back I take him to Morfield's eye hospital I don't only the best so tell me yeah so then you auditioned for drama school didn't yeah yeah several times it took me about three years to get in really yeah and Maxine how I wonder why that was do you think you lacked yeah I think I was so eager

right I mean I was just I'm pretty sure I was shit for the first couple of years you know and then I was so desperate but to get in, I thought, if I don't get in, my life is over. You know, when you're like an X-Factor sort of contestant? I was like that. And then by the third year, I said, if I don't get in, I'm going to do something else. I'm going to take a different route.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm not going to try drawing school. And then the minute I gave up, that's so happens, isn't it? When the minute you release that, that tension. Yeah. Well, people smell fear. Yeah, they do. And if you look like you don't care that much. It's relationships.

It's a sort of sad rule of life. It's everything. It's jobs. It's, you know. Yeah. And what were that you, I love your weird jobs, as I call it. I'm weird jobs that you did. I know about the weird jobs.

I know your weird jobs. I know you've really done. You've really made me laugh. Whenever I've read an interview, I thought, I love these weird. What were? Your weird jobs were. You works in the chippery? Yeah, Lechippery.

and Bolton. They kept the spuds in a bath. Legchiffri. La chippery. As if it was sophisticated. It didn't last there long. But I've had so many jobs you would not believe. What were the other ones?

Worming tablet factory is always a favourite. Packing worming tablets. And I just had to count their packets. But you have to do it so fast that the plastic from the packets would cut, give you sort of paper cups in your fingers. And the glue from the packets would go into it. to the cuts. So by the end of the day everyone had massive swollen hands and they'd all be stood at the bus stop with these massive swollen hands. It was awful. Also it's

horrible as the sign of the beast it marked you out. Yeah. And what was the other one? You worked in telesales as well? Yeah I did a lot of telecells. That was soul destroying. Was it? Yeah but I think it's good though the people you meet you meet a lot of balls and you see it makes you realize that the awful jobs that people have to deal with and how important it is to have entertainment go that sense so but it is you really need when I look back on the jobs yeah because we didn't we didn't have money we were the poor kids at the rich girls school so there was a certain amount of shame and I would always be having to work in the holidays when they were going skiing

and I'd be really ashamed because I'd be in R-Price and I'd think, well, I hope they don't come in and see me. I got to try and art price. I worked in Clinton cards once when Tony Blair's New Deal came in. I had to work in Clinton cards because of that asshole. And I didn't fit in at all. So tell me, so when you got into drama school,

it was East 15 you went to, did you have that, did you sort of punch the air for joy and you were so happy? Yeah, I was so happy. Absolutely. of joyed and I'm sure I learnt things but I'm not sure it was absolutely worth the money I probably learnt more doing stand-up actually doing it out on the road you mean yeah then I mean you know they can only give you techniques right they can't teach you how to act yeah but you only learn by doing don't you and yeah and so there's certain things that that

that certain people that have a big effect on you. Hello there everybody. Hello. Hello. Oh that's nice. People are very friendly, aren't they? It's like he used to present a chat show. Maybe it's like Michael Parkinson or something.

Everything is a stage. That's how my parents were like. You couldn't just walk into a restaurant. Hello there, everybody, we're here. It sounds great though. No, but I used to think sometimes. I remember saying to my dad, I went, everyone can hear you all the time.

time because it was just never when you talk about your childhood I imagine I don't know imagine it was normal and there were periods where you'd be silent maybe or yeah yeah it was quite quiet we were quite quiet family was it would you show emotion would you no arguments no I had to introduce the hug to my parents when I came back from trauma school and I I knew I had to do this because it was weird to just come home and go, all right, and not hug them. So the first time I did it, it felt really weird, and they looked startled. But then after a while, we all thought, yeah, this is normal, isn't it?

You know, and they appreciated me introducing it. Really? Oh, I really like that. Yeah, but yeah, it was just one of those sort of working class families that didn't, you know, weren't very emotional and very, well, they were emotional, but they show it in different ways. I quite like those sort of families just because I think you learn how to contain your emotions

and have some self-control we're probably at the extreme ends mine was sort of history on it melt that you know everything felt like a check off play you know every day it was like whereas so I look at your family

and think that's that feels more healthy to me if I'm honest yeah but I look at yours and think oh that sounds so sort of freeing and lovely and exciting and We were probably the middle ground, somewhere between yours and mine was probably the ideal childhood. So tell me after drama school you started doing stand-up.

Did you write a show and did you just think, right, I want to... No, I was doing telesales and hating it. And my boss kept saying to me, oh, you should do stand-up. Because I'd say things occasionally and you'd think they were funny, so he'd say, you should do stand-up. Oh look Oh it's the One pug Yeah it's having a lick

Ah this happens sometimes It stopped, it's all right They lick each other They lick each other's bits and bobs I'm quite excited Yeah so 30 was looming And I thought I've really got to do something With my life

So I thought I might give stand-up a go I really appreciate that you stifled that sneeze very well manned girl yeah oh look it's got its foot on my boat oh yeah so then I did stand up and it went all right I did a little course

I did one of our stand-up courses embarrassingly yeah you did one which one did you do I've heard of it it's quite well-known one Logan Murray's yeah that's well known isn't it yeah in Camden

yeah and yeah and then I very quickly started earning a living from stand-up and I could not believe that I'd have the whole day free, do 20 minutes in the evening and earn more in a day than I did all week doing tele-sales. But why didn't I do this before? Were you nervous though, Diane? Yes, always. Were you? Yeah, only towards the end. I did it for nearly 10 years and towards the end I didn't feel anything.

Really? No. If it went well, I didn't. I didn't feel anything. And if it went badly, I didn't feel anything. I'd just sort of had enough, I think. How did you deal with? Because I always think comics stand up for different to most people in that they're able to sort of move on from, or process shame quicker than everyone else.

So because, you know, most people, as you know, people have anxiety dreams about being on a stage. I suppose it's not literally naked, but, you know, in some senses you feel naked, don't you? And people are not laughing or being heckled. And to get through that and then throw yourself into it the next day. It's almost like, I think it's the same genetic makeup that maybe a foreign correspondent has.

But you're like, right, I want to throw myself into this high adrenaline situation. And that's quite unusual, I think. Yeah, I mean, I suppose I just thought it was better than telly sales. I wasn't really analysed it that deeply. I just thought, this is great. Yes, I feel physically sick for 20 minutes. But, you know, I'm not bored for a whole week. So it's worth the pain.

It was worth the pain for 20 minutes. They could have thrown rotten eggs at me and I would have been happy as Larry, you know, because I'd had such a, you know, an awful time with jobs. Did you, and I suppose, again, I remember talking to Lee Mack about this, I did the podcast and he was saying, he was sort of saying to me, you're from a middle class family that was in the arts.

And I think probably for someone like you, you would probably overthink it. Because you'd think, oh, what if so-and-so sees or so-and-so see? He says, whereas he said, you know, for me, he said, I just felt, wow, this is great. It felt really jammy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, especially when I started getting TV stuff, I couldn't believe it. I just felt, and even now I feel so grateful to have a job and that you shouldn't be moaning if you hadn't been offered a cup of tea in 20 minutes because it's such a you

know it's such an honour but that helps I think because you've worked in the worming factor I do exactly it really does it's made me appreciate what I have now so after you the acting thing started I mean everyone obviously associates you very much with Filomena Clark and weekly wipe in terms of thinking you being you becoming a very familiar face. But you've done stuff before that, obviously. Yeah, yeah. But that was the thing, I suppose, that made the huge difference.

Yeah. Getting that, getting a film in a conk. It changed everything, literally everything in my life. Did it? Yeah. Yeah. It's where I met my partner, Ben, because he wrote on it. And I met him.

How did you, so did you like him when you met him? Yeah, immediately, immediately felt like, at home with him and just felt like what a lovely person this is exactly the sort of person that I'd like to be with did you know he was interested

or were you? No, I had no idea, no I just thought you'd come over and chatted to me because he was a nice person and I'm sure he did but I know now you had to like

we view the park exactly yeah but no So I got that out of it. Because I've never met him if it wouldn't have been for Conk. I'm so grateful to Charlie Brocker as well. Because he like changed.

Yeah, it's interesting. But I think you probably, I can see how you and Charlie Bricka, that seems such a great fit. Well, I always loved his work. Was really big fan. And then my agent rang up and said, there's this part. It's like a female, very ship.

peas and they said do you know this character barriship peas and I was like know it? Of course like yeah. Oh my God yes. Which was a regular on weekly white really sort of and Philemona cunk was kind of I said I think I said clunk earlier and it's cuck. It's filling in a cunk

isn't it yet? But it was very clear to me when I saw that that it was a real collaborative effort because I can see there's obviously some improv because there has to be because you're in and it's But what I was fascinated here was that she was meant to be posh.

Yes, it's meant to be quite posh. Yeah, so I went in doing my best posh. Can I hear how your posh would be? No. Oh please. I'm worried it's going to sound like me. I can't remember that. I'm sure there's a... Is she a bit like me? There's probably a bit of tape out there, but I can't even remember what I did.

It was a very annoying sort of posh. It wasn't nice posh like yours. The character that Diane created is essentially it's the sort of, um, um, I like to think of it as it represents a dumbing down of documentaries. I know that's not, I know it was just funny and that's why you're doing it, but it amuses me because... I might have to lift this bug and put it on my lap. Yeah, shall we? I'm going to put mine on the lap as well.

I feel like they'll be happy. There you go. You go lap, lap, come on. Mine's, I got the fat one, thanks. No, I'm going to put them on the floor. I can't do it. How long? She comes out.

She interviews people, doesn't she, and comes out with slightly absurd. Well, I love doing that. I love sort of trapping people into dead ends and making them agree to ridiculous things. It's my favourite thing in the world. Did you feel, because she shares that with, it's the sort of Sasha Barron Cohen-L-G thing as well, which will ask ridiculous questions.

How much of the time were people aware, did they cotton on that you were a character? I don't know. In the early days, I honestly don't know how much they were told. We had to get them to sign something. But I think honestly no one knew the character then And I think They might have known that it was a comedy show

But probably didn't know what was going to happen Or what it was going to be like And I made an effort not to come out As myself and introduce myself I'd just do the interview I say it's conk, it's basically me So I just remember watching what there was a Shakespeare one

And I don't think I've ever laughed that much It was just as soon as it started and said, and he lived in Stratford and Dave. And I thought, it was just, it hadn't you laugh so much. I thought, okay, I found my perfect thing now because everything was just, just that bit wrong. That's what I like, it's just slightly wrong. And I don't know what it is about putting it in a Bolton accent as well, makes it sound even more ridiculous. Because she's sort of trying, but not well enough. It's so brilliant.

And everyone, I mean, you know, you can watch it if you haven't, but it sounds. It's one of the most brilliant comic creations and I'm so glad you decided to stick with the... That showed confidence, though, that given that Charlie Brooker wanted it to be, had intended for it to be a sort of posh or middle-class woman, hence the name, I guess, Philomena. Yeah, yeah.

Was it you, did you say actually? Yeah, I did. I remember trying it. I was, because I really wanted this part because I loved Charlie Brooker stuff. And I thought, I know the touch. and I know how this should be done. Yeah.

And I practiced it in my own accent as well and thought, it's much funny. I think it's funnier in my own accent. So I just sort of got the courage to say, can I do it again? But can I do it, just do it in my own accent? And then it was like, oh, okay, go on then. And I did it, and I didn't know how it had gone, you know.

But, yeah, I think it just worked. Is it just... I think what's interesting about that, though, is I think that's one of the benefits of that all happening for you when you're not 22. Because I wonder if you'd have had the confidence to say that. Yeah, probably wouldn't have said that at 22. Yeah.

I would have just shuffled off and gone on. And this creation wouldn't have been as good. Yeah, yeah. And then obviously since then that just meant everything started, I guess doors started opening after that, did they? Yeah, yeah, it really... People took a bit more notice. It was really nice.

I started getting bits and bobs. I like it so, Diane, bits and bobs. You're an afterlife with Ricky Javees, which is still on Netflix, I think. I think the second, are you? In the second series, yes. So are you shooting that? Are you going to start?

No, he's cut me out. That would have been awkward. So do you start shooting that soon? Very soon, yeah. That's been hugely successful, hasn't it? So successful, but I think it was sort of needed, wasn't it? It's something, I think it's comforting for people because there's nothing's been done about grief. And from your book.

Yeah, how dare you? But I think hopefully people do find it comforting in a way. People are scared of it there. We were talking. Terrified, yeah. In fact, I'm going to say when we met at a party, I don't know I really liked it because within, because you were telling me, I know your dad passed away. And you mentioned it. And it was really interesting that we just, you know,

normally you do that small talk thing with people you don't know. Yeah, it's like a shortcut, isn't it? Yeah, we just went straight into like grief. Yeah, and how it makes you feel. Yeah. And I think that's some, that conversation that you have around it where you feel you want to talk about it. Well, I do anyway.

Yeah, but you feel like you can only talk to people who understand who have gone through the same thing. Because if you haven't, you can never quite understand it because it's surreal. It's a surreal feeling and it takes you a long time to get used to the idea. And you get angry and you get sad and... Did your dad die suddenly? Over two years, I'd say. But it was sort of very fast at the end.

And I still wasn't sort of... still didn't really believe that he would go. You know, you never, it's, it's so odd, isn't it? I mean, I don't want to, because I haven't got to that bit in the book yet, so I'm reluctant to ask you what happened. But it was, it's the, it just feels it's not, it doesn't matter. You can know in your head that someone is going to die. Yeah, but the moment when they cease to be here,

yeah. There's no preparation for that. Yeah, yeah. So I wanted to talk about it, but there was only certain people I felt that I could talk about it too. Some friends get it, don't there? Yeah, some are just not ready because they don't think it's going to happen to them. Do you know, you get that feeling from some people that they're like, oh my God, that's terrible. I feel like I want to say, you know this is going to happen to you too, don't you?

Now I said that's what I think I said to you on an email I said yeah I just used to say people said I'm so lucky my parents are still alive and I say yeah but I'm Christmas future I'm sorry you have to get your head around the fact this is going to happen I'm not saying I want you to go around yeah but it's some but you can't you can never prepare yourself there's nothing you can do to sort of prepare yourself do you do you think you're different since you've lost your dad yeah well well it's sort of immediately afterwards I had this weird thing where even like the way I sat and the way I sort of moved my hands and stuff I could see my dad in it I thought oh my god this is exactly how I felt like him I felt like he'd sort of gone into me I know that's so so weird but I was I'd sit there and think this is exactly how my dad sat yeah that's exactly how my dad would move his hand it was like it was like I'd look in the mirror and I'd see his face and I'd see his face and I'd see his face and I'd see his face. Yeah, yeah.

More than I did when he was alive. Yeah. So odd. No, I understand that. I think that's some... Because it is your sort of... It's that legacy thing, isn't it? Well, I would see that with my sister.

I would suddenly hear my voice and think, God, I sound so like her. Yeah, yeah. You know? But did you, you didn't see that as much when she was alive? No. I couldn't ever see any similarities.

It's funny, isn't it? And I would suddenly look and I think, Oh, our eyebrows. a simple, like a little pictures of that which is nice because you're searching for those connections and those genetic connections, I guess. It's like, you know.

Yeah. And you're not that long out of it. No. Actually, it's only... It's only been about three months. Yeah. Do people say you're brave, you're doing well? No, they've stopped now because...

I told them to shut up. I've put on such a sort of act as a brave face. when I go out. You sort of overcompensate because you don't want people to feel awkward. So you sort of you put on a bit of a show and they think, oh she's fine now, she's absolutely fine, but

you're not. You're not. You're very much not. It's all under the surface. And it could come out at any time. I find that certain bits of music I went somewhere and some music came on. All of a sudden, I was just in floods of tears. I do that time. Oh my God,

music I think is the worst thing. Music is, I was doing, you know, I do the radio show with Frank Skinner. And I can remember, it must have been the first Christmas after my sister. First, a nightmare. You know, it's just that hard thing, the first birthday, the first, you know. And I can remember, I was doing the radio show and they just played that Paul McCartney song, simply having a wonderful Christmas time. I didn't even like that song.

I never had, and I burst into tears. I'm lucky it was during a break, so I could go through the way. I mean, I feel like crying during that song, anyway. be fair. But you know what? I think suddenly I had slightly, some very pretentious, Proustian connection, something happened.

Yeah. I was reminded of being 11 and being with my sister or not. It takes you back to some music, yeah. Yeah. And I don't know what the song you listened to, but it was probably similar. Yeah, yeah. I think it was probably something by John Lennon. Oh, yeah.

Which he'd always play, you know. And it's like, me. It's like, Jesus. I know. I recommend you don't listen to, do you know, the Paul McCartney song which he wrote about Joel Lennan if you were here? Oh, God. And then I'm going to cry now. That would happen in absolute bits. Oh, you've been let off.

Oh, why has he been let off? What's happened? Look, will you grab him, Charlie? How did he do that? Come on. You need to put his thing back on. He must have slipped through. Come on. Got you. So I want to talk to you as well about some of your other work the evening.

We should just say we just had a small break there because Diane needed to go to the toilet. And she left me with the pugs. That sounds a bit resentful, but one of the pugs got liberated from his harness. So I also want to mention Phoenix Knight was how you, you worked with Peter K, didn't you? And how did you got in touch with him? Yeah, I think, well, the weird thing is Maxine Maxine Peak was working at a swimming pool with Paddy McGuinness.

Yeah. They were like life cards. This is absolutely true. So they, obviously, they knew Peter Kaye. And Maxine kept saying to me, you should write to him, write to him and ask him for a job. So I did. I sent my photo to him

and I let her say, please, if you're going to do anything, can I be in it? I'm from Bolton. You know. So then when he was doing the second series of Phoenix nights,

he got me in it. A tiny little part, but I was over the moon, you know. And it's such a great show. How amazing, though. Yeah. Nice to remember, though. But you never forget things.

like that. You don't, you don't, because I've had some amazing people, like Ken Campbell. You know, okay, you must know Ken Campbell. He was a visionary. He's eccentric. So, did you work with him? You met him in a bookshop. Yeah, in a bookshop. Yeah, you just came up to me and asked me if I was an actress and then, do I want a job? I think I was wearing a weird woolly hat at the time. That probably drew him in, I think. And so he was doing the warp, not the first warp. The first warp he did was in the 60s. You look very good on it. Because I think his daughter Daisy had been directing it,

but then she was pregnant, it was about to give birth, so they brought Ken it. So I was suddenly drawn in to do this thing with Karen Campbell, but I feel like I learnt a lot from him. That's more important to sort of entertain than be believable. You know? Do you think so? Absolutely.

All anyone wants is to forget how awful life is. isn't that true just for a split second forget that we're all hurtling towards the grave and just you know cheer people up just for a fucking shitty second I think that's why I always like Hancock because it was like he understood how awful life was yeah yeah yeah and it is it just makes you able to cope better if you see other people having an awful time as well and making you laugh. It's the only way you can get through things. This has got very serious, isn't it?

I wasn't expecting this. It's like in the psychiatrist's chair. I know, I quite like it. Yeah. It's because I'm quite into my therapy. Yeah. It's because I have therapy. Yeah, I've never like never have therapy. Have you not had it?

No. But apparently a lot of like kids have therapy. I don't know. They're all in therapy. Well, I only did it after. a loss because I just found it helpful. But it does mean I am terrible dying because I go around saying, oh, I know why that's because of that.

And you do have to be careful that you don't become too analytical all the time. Tell me about Motherland and how that happened because I love that show and I think it's brilliant. How Motherland happened. Yeah, like because you, did they approach you initially about it and say. Yeah, I think they'd seen loads of people for the part of Liz. Yeah. And then I thought, oh, I might as well give Diane Morgan a go because I'm running out of ideas here.

Literally, I think that was what happened. They were like, I can't find anyone to play this part. So then I was on holiday in Dubai, weirdly. So I had to do a self-tape in a hotel room and sent it off. It took ages to what load it. And I was thinking, oh, this is taking too long. I might as well just sack this off and go to the beach, forget about it. I'm not going to get the part anyway.

But then it suddenly uploaded, sent it off. Yeah. And then the next thing I knew I'd got it, and I could not believe it. I couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed. It was such a great part. And it's the same sort of thing with afterlife. Yeah.

There was a real need for afterlife, and I think there was a real need for Motherland as well, because I had so many women running up to me in the street. saying, oh my God, I'm so glad that someone's done something about what motherhood is actually like and how terrible it is. Because they're always showing these shows whether it's perfect mothers or they're struggling with kids, but not in a really angsty way. Well, it's that thing of, I mean, I don't, I always say I forgot to have kids. I always think that. I always think, you know, there's a lot of pressure on you. feel, I have felt a bit from a few people,

oh, don't you think it's sad, you'll never know what it's like some people have said to me? I don't have that at all. Did people ever say that to you? No, they don't. I think they always assume I don't have kids. I think it's sort of oozing out of every poor that I don't have kids.

I don't know why. But I don't, for a fleeting second, if I went to the doctor now and they said, actually you your eggs are rotten or you know I don't know you're dry as a bone then I'd be fine I wouldn't think oh I wish I'd had kids or now there's the opportunity's gone I'd be like yeah all right fine I like the idea with the rotten eggs I want rot legs yeah well I went I did go to the doctor when I was about 37 did you about something there is more to this no anecdote right

But, and it was about something entirely unrelated, and she said, I noticed you don't have children. I said, well, you better to hurry up. Oh my God, is that what she said? Yeah. She said the amount of women I get in here desperate, I'm just saying. Yeah, there was a lot of that sort of, when you get to see your late 30s, people saying, like, oh, you need to get a move on, you know.

Why? How happy as I am. I like it, and people say, who's going to look after you when you're old? Yeah, that's not awful. Like you've had them as slaves. You're breeding a carer. You're breeding a gang of slaves to take care of you. Breeding carers.

Isn't that awful? I'd rather I was just eaten by my own pogs. They'll have like robot carers, won't they? By the time where... Is that what we'll get? Yeah. We'll get some Japanese machine wheeling up to us. I think you're going to say a Japanese man.

I'd get into it. Could be a little Japanese man, yeah. What do you think about the pog style? I want them. Do you? Yeah. Oh, how will they react? How will they react?

Do you think you will get a dog, Diane? Yes. I really want to... The pugs. Pugs, what's happening? Oh, that's a big dog, isn't it? Hello! It's so rainy.

The pugs have reacted quite strongly to the other dog. And do you know why I think that is? Why? Because they spend a lot of time with their pack. Come on, oh God. Yeah, the pug's running off with the chair on his back. Oh, my God. I know.

Right, we're going to get in the car now, Diane. Okay. This is going to be quite something. Here we go. So, I don't know if you can hear anything. Are you all right back there, Diane? Yep, I'm fine. I'm coping.

I've got some. some little treats for them. Oh, that's nice. I've got them some jombones from Co-op. Oh, do you know they'll love that? Do you want these? Do you think this will quiet them down? Oh, look at them.

They're so happy. Oh, what's this? What are we eating? Ooh. That's for you? Oh. Oh, look. I want you to get a dog.

I think you should. I know, but... Don't you? I think it has to be a bug. Do you think so? Yeah. Well, you need to meet my dog Raymond. I think you'd really get along with him.

I'd love to meet Raymond. I like the fact that you live in central London. Yeah. You live in one of those places. It's a bit like Oscar Wilde or something. Bloomsbury. Yeah. It's like, where do you live in Bloomsbury, right?

You never think that I lived in Bloomsbury, would you? Exactly. But that's brilliant. Why do you live in Bloomfrey? Well, because Ben lived in Bloomsbury. Oh, that's Mr. Diane. So I fell on my feet, you see. That's Mr. Diane.

Yes. So does Mr. Diane want a dog? No. He very much doesn't want a dog. So what are we going to do? Just have a dog anyway and hope that he grows to love it. But I have to have a dog. I just know that it'll make me so happy.

I think it will. Yeah. Well, there's something about waking up and you just think they, you see their stupid faces? Yeah. Honestly, it just makes me, it feels me with such joy. And a pug, look at a pug's face, imagine that coming around the door. How could you not be happy seeing that?

Right, so I'm going to drop these pugs back. Oh, they're calming down now, look, they're quiet. Now they start to calm down. When they're almost home. Come on. Would you let dogs on the bed, Diane? Yeah. Would you? I do. I think I would. I think I'd be too soft.

soft to tell them not to. I just feel it's cruel when people make them sleep on the kitchen floor. Yeah. I think I've got fur in my eye. They're both trying to sit on my lap now. That will happen with the punts. They're a bit wary at first, but now they're all over me. Oh, they're lovely and warm.

Oh, they warm? Yeah, and like little hot water bottles. Oh. Has it put you off having dogs or has it made you want them? It hasn't made me want them more. Has it? Yeah. Oh, good.

Oh, Charlie, will you take a picture of Diane with the pugs? Oh my God, Diane, how brilliant is that? That's great. Look at his little face. You look so glad. You've got to show you've got to send me those. Do you know, you look so gorgeous. You know, every time.

I think everyone looks good next to a pog. That's part of the advantage, isn't it? It's the comparison that makes sure. you look amazing. That's fine. My dog's too good looking. I'm coming out of this bad. I need to get a pug.

No effect. You need to get a really ugly dog. Right, let's ring Jonathan on the way before we drop me home and just tell him we're just coming to an end. Hello. Jonathan, we're in the car. We're just about to drop the pug home. I'm with Diane. And she has just said, I think I'm going to get a pug because they're so ugly they make you look better.

What do you say to that? I think there's some truth in that. I think, I don't think that's a pod's noble reason for getting a particular piece, but, you know. Diane, what did you think of the pogs? I love them. I want them. Please give me your pogs. Well, I mean, if you keep together, the pair, we think about it.

But, I mean, they are, I mean, I don't know whether I'd inflict them on Sardrelty, because they are, did you, did you get to see the boy-on-boy brother of one action? No, I haven't seen that, but I've heard about it. Yeah, you see, that's a. things that I mean, because even when Jane begins to warm to them a little bit and then one of them will lick the other one fall up. But you didn't train them.

You know what? They understand me, I understand them. That's why they call me the pug whisper. I just let them be free and that is very holistic. Well, Jonathan, thank you, Gorge. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you.

I look forward to hearing. as well you'll hear it well all you'll hear is them going I know I'm calling it the podcast this week yeah very good very good there we go it's a new way forward okay so where do I tell the invoice how much how much um do you think you would charge for an hour how much do they charge by the hour essentially eight euro

For the pair. Oh. That's 16-year-low, Johnny. Okay. All right, doll. I'm dropping them back now. Love you. Thanks, Jonathan.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, this one's really enjoying. It's bowling. Right, we'll drop them off. Look, all these people braving them around. That's the only thing, Diane, is the walking.

Yeah. How would you feel about that? Walking. Walking dogs? Yeah, doing the wall. Yeah. Would you be all right with that? Happy as Larry.

You strike me as quite an outdoors. Yeah, well I'm not outdoorsy. I wouldn't go that far. But, you know, I go outside. I do walk. Why not do it with a pug? Do you want to prepare to say your goodbyes? Oh, I forgot what they called. Piglet and impi. Well, I really loved our walk and I really love chatting to you. And I'm glad I friends stole you off, Connie. I'm sorry. I've known. Well, I drew you in with a power of my mind, so it's fair enough. Oh, I'm going to miss you too. Oh, Pugs.

Look at their little faces. Go on Pugs. Say goodbye to your little friend. Here we go. Oh, wow. We're home now. Thank you, Diane. Oh, no, thank you. Bye, bye, Diane. Thank you for this wonderful experience. Say goodbye to the Pugs, Diane.

Bye, bye, Pugs. I really hope you enjoy. listening to that and do remember to rate review and subscribe on iTunes.