Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Lee Mack Returns - Again! (Part One)

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

This week on Walking The Dog, Emily and Ray spend a rainy afternoon with Lee Mack! He's the first guest to ever make a third appearance on the podcast and since we last spoke, Lee has got another dog. Lee chats about his relationship with class and feeding his dogs a part-vegan diet - and Ray disgraces himself in Lee's study. The second part of Emily's chat with Lee will be available to listen to from Thursday this week. The Unfriend is playing at the Wyndham's Theatre until March 2024 - for more information and tickets visit theunfriend.comListen to Emily's first walk with Lee from November 2017 Listen to Emily's second walk with Lee from January 2021Follow Emily: Instagram - @emilyrebeccadeanX - @divine_miss_emWalking The Dog is produced by Faye LawrenceMusic: Rich Jarman Artwork: Alice LudlamPhotography: Karla Gowlett Walking The Dog is a Goalhanger Podcast brought to you by Petplan: visit petplan.co.uk Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Walking the dog is sponsored by Pet Plan, who pay 97% of all the claims they receive. Pet Insurance can be a confusing business, but I think ultimately it's all about the quality of the vet fee cover provided. Pet Plan cover things other insurers don't and can pay your vet directly, so you get to spend your cash on other essentials. No, Raymond, that doesn't include dog biscuits. Terms, conditions and excesses apply. Pet Plan is a trading name of Allian's Insurance PLC. Don't be thinking she's got worms just because she's sliding her bottom on the floor? She's not got worms.

I know what you're thinking. And here we go. We're in Lee's house. Everyone will be riddled with worms. This week on Walking the Dog, Raymond and I went to visit someone who's no stranger to this podcast, the utterly hilarious, endlessly brilliant, Lee Mac. Lee didn't have a dog the first time he appeared, which was fairly obvious, as his reaction to the dog doing his business was Call the Police.

Shortly after appearing, he did actually get a dog, a beautiful silver lab called Ludo, who joined him for his second appearance. And after that, he got another dog called Tilly, who you'll meet now. So I think what we've all learnt is, whenever Lee Mack appears on this podcast, he ends up getting a dog. A few things.

Firstly, when Ray and I met Lee at his house, it was pouring with rain, and pouring isn't Raymond's favourite. So we ended up having a cosy chat in Lee's study, which Raymond immediately weed in, by the way, I was mortified. We've obviously covered a lot of Lee's history with dogs and life story in the first two episodes, so do go back and give those a listen.

For this episode, we decided to basically just press record and let Lee chat about anything and everything. Just to give you an insight into what an incredible person he is to hang out with. And he was so brilliant, we're releasing it in two parts, because frankly, it'd be a crime not to share all of this with you. I really hope you enjoy part one coming up now. I want to also mention Lee is currently starring in the hit West End show The Unfriend at London's Wyndham Theatre till next March and he's just fantastic in it. So do go and book your tickets via TheonFriend.com.

I think it's time we stop talking now, Raymond, don't you? And hand over to the man himself. Here's Lee and Ludo and Tilly and Raymond. Right, ready? So we can edit this in. We don't have to say hello. Right, let's introduce them. Now Ray, you may be the only dog I've known who's smaller than my people.

puppy. That's it. It makes itself look even smaller by lying on the ground and flattening your legs. That reminds me this floor needs a mop. Right. Lee, I'm nervous. How's it going to go? So I should say, Ray has met Lee's dog Ludo before. Yeah. They've been on a walk together. This is the first time Ray will be meeting. Tilly. Yes. She nearly forgot the name then. Well, I didn't know. I didn't know if, you know, I was thinking of a joke. I was thinking, should I go for the joke? Because you were speaking in a way slightly

that it was a Channel 4 documentary and it was like someone that perhaps had been accused of a really horrific crime and someone had just got out of prison and this is the first time you've actually met the person who did this. Your tone was very somber and I did wonder if we were doing a different podcast this time.

So this is the first time you will have met since it happened and you're definitely ready for this. Are you ready, Ray? Are you able to forgive? Just sneeze at me. I think we're going to open the door now and introduce the dogs. Come on.

We're now opening the door podcast. Right, actually, she will run out and so I'm going to... Was that your wife? No, she will, she's gone. Tilly will run out, ignore everything and go for the cat food because her priority is food all the time. So what we need to do is we need to go around the other way and sneak in and shut the door quickly.

Follow me, guys. Come on, Ray, let's follow Lee. That's tiptoe because you have to get in quick before she knows we're at this door. Okay. Ready, ready? Stay now. You're going that way.

You go in that way and shut the door behind you and I'll even go ahead and stay. All right, you ready? You ready? Are you going to meet Ray? No, you have to get, take Ray with you. Oh gosh. Ray, quick, get in here.

Get in here, quick, Ray. Yes. Ray, come on. Look, who's here? They will get... Hello, darling. I think you're... Who's this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, gosh. It's just because they're in the house, that's all. They're a bit probably tense. Is Ray's still alive? Ray's still alive, I think. It's very hard to see any features. Tilly's definitely given her the look as if to go.

I thought the cats weren't allowed in here. Because we don't let the cats in this room because we keep the cats and the dog separate. So there you go. Ludo. You're getting on fine, look. Tilly. What's that?

Should we give you all a treat? Is Ray allowed a treat? Ray. Come on, Ray. This is Ludo and this is Tilly. Come on. Ray, do you want a treat? He's allowed a treat, isn't he?

Yeah. My doctor would have had your hand off by now. You're like coaxing it down Ray's throat. Ray's sort of eats it like an after-eat min, doesn't he? Ray ate that like you only ever usually give him tins of caviar. I think when you see Ray eating, he should be accompanied by, you know, in Disney films when they're at a posh place, like the end and he had doodoo do do do do it's got that vibe to it come on way that was the look

very similar that ray gave to when i first took tara up north and told her that it was you know standard to have chips and gravy she thought well i suppose i'm here i better have him i'm going to use the posh cups can i ask her questionly well go on i know what you're going to ask and you won't believe the answer Is Ludo at all jealous of the attention Tilly gets? A little bit because, well, we changed the rules. When we first got Tilly, Tilly because she's so small, was allowed on a couple of chairs that he wasn't allowed on. He's allowed on his, he's got a chair that he's allowed on.

We're not wearing, are you? No, that's just the natural look. You were worried she was weird on my floor. But I like the fact that instead of just saying anything, you politely grimaced thinking if I keep grimacing he'll sort it out. So yeah, he gets a little bit like why is she allowed up there and I'm not. That's what I'm sensing. So now he is allowed up there.

I put a blanket down on the sofa and he comes on the sofa. And occasionally, he's either way around, if he's getting stroked, she jumps in for some action. That's not like her to do that. She doesn't do that. Don't be thinking she's got worms just because she's sliding her bottom on the floor. She's not got worms. I know what you're thinking.

There we go. We're in these house. Everyone will be riddled with worms. But it's not worms. It's crabs. Luda! It's all prepared to be dog walk, my dog walk jumper, my dog walk trousers. Well if it brightens up, we could take them for a circuit round the garden if it stops raining. Yeah, this will be outside. Yeah. And they will never use phrases on the podcast like circuit around the garden. Because I want to be, you know, I've got one eye on the Greg's ad of it.

I don't want to ruin me brand. What we all have in? Tea or coffee? Tea, please. Do you want? What kind of tea do you want? Do you have old grey? That's all we have. Do you want decaf, Earl Grey, or normal?

And that's not sarcasm. Normal, please. A breath stinks, by the, have you noticed that? She don't smell her breath. It's absolutely vile. Honest of God, me and Tara have been obsessed by the breath. We don't understand what it is. And I've said, and I know you're going to get comments online about this, so I'm going to say it.

I've suggested, wait for it, wait for this is the bombshell, because I know you dog people are like listening. I have suggested a vegan diet. And like the fuse. You what? In the wild that eat giraffes. Right, because my vet said, I'm a vegan. My vet didn't say that. I already knew. Now, my vet said that it's perfectly fine to have a vegan diet for a dog. Now, a lot of people don't agree with that, but I say to those people, did you do seven years training like my vet? And they often say, no.

I say, well, mind you on business? And he said it's absolutely fine to have a vegan diet for a dog. Now, I know the argument that in the wild they would blah, blah, blah. But people are soon happy to let go with the father in the wild. They wouldn't be sleeping at the end of a double bed or indeed barking at a television just because a cat advert's on. So, you know, pick and choose your moments, guys. Why don't you?

To suit your argument. So what are you thinking recently that? Well, what we've done is we've got the vegan puppy food and the vegan dog food and we're just doing vegan lunches at the moment. Already the people will be complaining. Three meals a day! Three meals a day, the man's a monster! But we do breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We don't just do breakfast and dinner, which is what most people do. We give them lunch as well. They don't have lunch in the wild. What your notice is that after every comment, Lee will provide you with a footnote. Yeah, a footnote. Just as you say it. I've just, I'm a bit temperament because I've just come on,

on the back of the NTA award debacle where I made a joke. And I'm happy for you to include this in the podcast because it was an insight into how it all worked. When you're part of a story, it's fascinating how it works. So what you do is you start then predicting what will happen. You know, Lee Max says, dogs should only eat vegan food, which is not what I'm saying. But that's more interested to click on.

You know what I mean? Lee Mack says if you don't feed your dog vegan food, you may as well chuck it out in the street. You know, they'll just put anything they want on the back of it to make it more clickbaiting, aren't they? But you didn't with that NTA awards thing, which was ridiculous. Well, it was, I mean, it's a cliche to say.

You never want to use the phrase for risk of sounding like Donald Trump. Fate news. you know, there is such a thing you realise when you're part of it because I mean, look, it's titletattle, it's just a joke but the order of events were day one I get

the award at the NTAs and tell some silly, if I'm going to be on a slightly lazy joke because I haven't been bothered to thought about what I'm going to say and it's a bit phallic the trophy so I thought well if I win it

I'll just say, I never thought I'd receive a sex toy from X. Whoever's giving me the award, right? Anyway, so Jill Scott presents the award, which I didn't know she was going to do that. And then, so I did the joke. I never thought I'd receive a sex toy off Jill Scott, you know. And I don't know if people then thought that was because, you know, she's an openly gay woman and am I saying that's aimed at her, whatever. But more importantly, nobody complains. It's fine. Gets a laugh on the night. Nobody at home's bothered. There's like one comment, I think, on Twitter or something.

So they tabloids make a little story out of that. Le Mac shocks, blah, blah, blah. But then day two of the narrative is, Leamac, people call for cancellation of Leamac. That's the sort of day two clickbait spin of it because one of the person's put someone on Twitter that's so minutely, innocently written like, I bet he gets cancelled now.

Probably supportive of me, you know. But they go, oh no, we'll say. So they do that. Day three of the narrative, Leith Mac fights back against cancelled culture. I hadn't said a word. I had literally not said a word, but they took an interview I did before I'd made the joke, like from earlier in the evening about how when I do the 1% Club the audiences are all up for a laugh, occasionally the one or two at home get offended, but on the night they'd ever do. That was apparently me going, oh yours, your cancellation, bastards! So this little narrative spin that they're this fascinating.

It's fascinating to watch it in action because it's all the same paper. The same paper that say it's outrageous are the same papers that go, and these, now they're trying to cancel the poor bugger. They're not. You're the only ones to ever mention it. I'm just going to stop and say it's the most middle class thing I've said in my life. Okay. Would you want oat milk in your ale grey? There's the trailer. Who's the trailer?

That's not going to get you the Greg's ad. That is not getting me the Greg's advert. If I carry on bagging on about oat milk in the old grey. Sorry, can I send it again for what you're going to use? Do you want some full fat cream in your PG tips? I use that one. But when that sort of stuff happens, Lee, like the NTA Awards, Furore, do you wake up and get a sinking feeling and think?

because it must be horrible to feel I could always say hand on heart not even one because it's not true I'd get a sinking feeling if it was true

but if they said they complain and then you go so they link you on the newspaper clickbait to the people complaining and you read it you go but they're not complaining

it's like two people who just made some silly comment you realise it's just I mean it is I mean I'm terrible though because I'm sitting there saying to Tara

this world of clickbait we live in and as I'm telling her some story comes up about I don't know Holly or Phil or whatever and I click it as I'm talking I'm like what's that

I have a little click no I'm doing it we're all doing it aren't we we're all doing it Do you click you'll never believe what happened next that one Look what this child star

looks like now and by the time you go through it you realise they were a child star at the beginning of the article It's that long You get 175 pictures later You go Oh, guess what they look like now

A bit like that but older But they try and get you in with you You won't believe You won't believe the size of this woman now And you go, I'm not going to be the kind of person That clicks on that But then you do And you click on it

And that the result is She's not that different the size As she was in her twenties And that's supposed to be the bit You'll see It's not upon any way at all Or indeed lost it That's a surprise isn't

it? Well, not really because I didn't have any pre-formed opinions. Have you seen the dog one? That's really creepy. There's one that says they thought it was a dog and you'll never believe what happened next. Go on. I want to know now. Of course I went straight in. Of course. And it always... I think I have seen this but I didn't get to the end. It took too long. Yeah, they thought it was a dog and it's something like a cave or some rocks.

Yes, I do know this one. It was in a cave and they go, They thought it was a dog and I thought, oh, it's got to be a dog, that is it? Because it looks like a dog. Did you not get to the end? Of course I didn't. Because I never get to the end of these things. Come on, Ray. Hello.

Come on. Ray, must be the lightest dog I've ever held. Do you know, I think that's the nicest compliment you've ever given me. You won't believe the weight of this dog. Leave, there's a sleeping bag in here. No, that's, yes, there is a sleeping bag in there. There's not, this isn't any form of marital strife. Because even if we had a little temporary break from which I would,

I wouldn't put a sleeping back on an armchair. That would be crazy. Does that belong to me or is Ray and inside weir? Oh, he's done a wee-wee. Oh, Dave, oh dear. Can we get a tissue please? Certainly. I'll get some toilet paper.

I'm so sorry. That's all right. You won't believe what the dog did on my floor. And then it's how I go, what? And I go, well, first of all, and I tell a 500 different stories. and we never get to the point. Yes, I'm going to clean it up. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to rush it.

It's just that it's starting to sleep into the wood. Yeah, put your coffee down on the wood. Don't worry about Matt. Just joking, just get it wiped up. Can you hold Ray? Oh, definitely. Don't in a second, can you wipe up the wave? He's just, he's just been to the bowl.

You are so... Here we go. You are so light, aren't you, Ray? Have you got your own disinfectant or is that water? I don't know. Oh, is that mine? Yes. How is it?

What is it? I have no idea. Probably water that you spray plants with it. Lee just asked me to clean up Raymond's wee. Well, to be fair, in ashes, I expected he used to do it and you did it. Lee just assumed I was going to... I'm going to clean up the way, yeah. And I grabbed a spray that I thought you'd brought in.

No, no. Oh. I think it's probably... What is it? What is that? Oh, yeah, don't use that. Oh my God, you've wrecked the floor now. You've actually managed to...

wipe up the wee with some sort of caustic acid. Hang on, I'm going to do something that will solve everything. Wait there. Have you discovered the joys of bad carbonate of soda? I like to sit in the dog chair. Sit in the dog chair and then would you like to sit on this well? Come on Ray. All right.

So we've come into Leamax study. Nice. I like. I'm going to take my shoes off. Do it. I'm a big shoes off person. I find as I'm getting older, you're showing me your socks and it says on it, Miss M.

same. As in that's the name of the sock or you have them embroidered? I have an embroidered. Did you? Yeah. That's a lot of money in podcast, isn't there? They've had me on podcast, I'd have my own embroidered socks. You didn't have embroidered socks before this moved over to Gary Lineag's company. So in case this hasn't been clear, we've had to move, I've come over to interview Lee today for walking the dog and unfortunately it's raining. So we've decided to do it at your house and now we've come in to your study. Can I just ask, are you talking to the listeners now? Because I know all this. Because this is my third time on your podcast. And the first time, we had to

borrow a dog from, was it a charity or something? We got to give her a dog from some sort of like Battersea Dog zone, didn't we? Where I borrowed a dog for the day to walk it. Wasn't it, some sort of dog home place? The Dogs Trust, yeah. The Dogs Trust, yeah. And then... She was called Livy and she was a collie. Oh. Which I thought would be good. Someone's been listening back to their own podcast as morning. I don't remember all the name of all my dogs. I was surprised when you did go on to get a dog. Do you know why?

Why? Because when you came on my podcast the first time and Livy went to the toilet, do you remember what you said? No, I tell me. Call the police. Yeah, that's the bit I thought I wouldn't be able to get me head around. But do you know what that shows? I've realised now I'm a dog owner.

That shows your classic naivities. It's the same naivety. The idea that you'll find picking up dog poo disgusting is the same naivity is before you have children and people go, oh, I could never change nappies. What that shows is a complete naivety to what the real problems are. Changing a nappy is nothing. It's all the other things from the ages of zero to 18 that's the problem. It's really quite hard being a parent and you just think, that's nothing.

Wiping the bombs, that is easy. And they say we're picking up the dog poo. That's a doddle. In fact, it's a joy because it means they're not, their toilet drain, they're outside. They're doing it in the right, correct way. All right. Point taken. Yeah. I'm going to go at Ray, just because he's, yeah, but that's different because it's not that he's not trained.

He's at the other end now where he's an old man and he's, he can't help himself. Isn't he how old is Ray? He's six. Oh, sorry, Ray. It's still a bit, not quite old enough to be we're wearing on the floor. So you got, you got Ludow, the silver lab. So the second time we came with you, it was with Ludo, yeah. And I loved Ludo.

Yeah, lovely Ludo. And when you first got Ludo, do you remember this? You left me a message? You're with your daughter. You said, I'm in the pet shop. I don't know what to buy. Oh yeah. Can you tell us, please, because I don't know what's going on here.

And then you did a weird sort of 360 shot of the entire pet shop, and you said, what do we do? I don't know what to do. You're going to have to call me back. I think I included shops of things that I definitely didn't know. I need, like tarantulas in. Yes. And then, because I didn't get back to you within about 90 seconds,

I then got a follow-up message saying, thanks a lot. My daughter's in tears. and I suspect the dog is not going to make it until Christmas because you didn't get back to us. Passive aggressive, that's my way of trying to be humorous but actually meaning it a bit. Sometimes you needed an instant action response, don't you?

But you did very well. And then we got, and now here I am for the third time, now with another dog, Tilly. So why did you get Tilly then? Right, well Tilly was because we talked about getting a second dog because Tara wanted something that would sit on her lap. Ludo's a big Labrador and he's just not really sitting on your lap type dog. Not really is that size, you know, so it gets him a little.

And I wanted to, you could outrun this time because the problem we've had with Ludo is we haven't been able to get him back. You know, and again, I've seen it in advance, the comments section under all this. Not just saying it's a bad dog, only a bad owner, yeah, well, you're wrong. All right? Sometimes it is the dog's fault. I'm sorry to break it to you, you dog lovers. Sometimes it's just the dog's fault. you know what I mean? That's it, end of. And he wouldn't come back.

We tried everything. We took it to two different trainers, Ludo. We took him, not it, I'll say him. Yeah. We took him to two different trainers and they were both anti-castration. And which is quite unusual. A lot of people think you should castrate a dog

but these trainers say you should never castrate a dog. And both trainers, said it's only in very rare circumstances should you get a dog constrated. Really? Yeah, very rare circumstances. And both trainers had our dog for a day. At the end of the day they both said, he's the rare exception getting constrained. Because he's just untrainable.

He's just a bit loopy. And he is a bit loopy, my dog. But in a good way. And he has calmed a bit now. But for the first two years, it was that thing that you get a puppy and everyone goes, be all right after a year. and then they have the first birthday and go, yet sometimes it takes two years

and then you get the second birthday in here. You can take up to three years with the lab. I heard one last week, five years. The running off, the ball, the obsession with the ball. So if he gets the ball... Hyperfocus. ADHD dog. He will get the ball.

He runs off with the ball. He returns it most of the time. But when he gets the sense, they're not going to throw it again now because it's time to get back in the car. He runs. And then he goes to the same part. of the river where he throws it in the river and gets it himself but then can't get out of that

part of the river and never learns that that's the part of the river you can't get back out of so we've had to get in the river to get him out and it's like he's not doing it's a go does he's just did it because he goes oh yeah keep forgetting can't get out of this bit can i it's like i'd say five percent of the whole river you can't get out of but he goes to the same bit every time and he's also got the eyes you know those dogs with slightly human eyes that's all Yes. They're not proper. He's got supermodal looks though, Ludo.

He's a beautiful dog, but he's, you know, but like an actual supermodel, sometimes he's looking at him, he's not listening. And also like a supermodel, he jumps at the same part of the river, he can't get out. Bad analogy, but I bet now that Campbell's always jumping in the same part of the river. But you know the way a supermodel is on the catwalk looking, whatever that look is, that I am very sultry.

But you know, it's just not, they're looking through you. They're not looking at you, are they? They're just going, this is the face I have to put on to do the catwalk. Well, that's what my dog's like. This is the look of, now you're not going to run off of forgive you this ball. I remember the look I have to give him, and then he gives me the ball. I'm off. So Ludo falls in love with this dog in the park with Maya,

and she's a little cross between a staffy and a cock of Spaniel. and every time they see each other my dog and this young fellow's dog they absolutely they remember each other even if it's been six months and it's a different level of love it's not just the usual play it's like oh it's you we love each other and they play

forever you know and then one day we bumped into him and he said oh she's having babies and we thought oh should we go around and have a look but of course if you go around and have a look at puppies how often do you walk away and not get a puppy

It's like what you're expecting to see that's going to put you off. No, four legs and a tail, forget it, we don't want it. So we got one. We got one of the little dogs because we thought if she is in love with him and he's in love with her, then having one of the children of these dogs, let's call it a puppy, it will transfer to the puppy and they will be equally smitten the puppy. Oh, I see. And has it turned out to be the case?

I think it has. I think they are. They do love each other and they're very smitten. She nibbles at him. Her version of a joke or a bit of fun is to just bite as hard as you can on the ears. But you get a start for me because that's my idea of having a joke with Tara. If you don't want to listen, you can't think anything funny. So you bite them on the ear. Unless you're getting some attention.

I'm starting to think you are a bit like Luda, if you don't mind me. Well, we are very similar. We both. Don't you think? You're quite wild and out of control. Yeah. And I've got slightly, I've got eyes that look slightly through here. And there's not 100% certainty about the parentage.

Because we think that there's a chance of Wymerana. That I mean Ludo, not me. Although my mum did know a silver-haired German fella. Mara. But the Y-Mirana looks like the Silver Labrador in so many ways. And when Ludo sees a Wymarana, he, goes crazy like it's a it's a like he's seen his brother or something so and there is I've done a bit of googling and apparently some people believe the silver lab was a was mixed perhaps in the

50s like a standard colored lab with a wymerana is the theory so guess what we're doing what DNA test for the dog well first of all for the for tilly because you've not asked the most important question what breed is tilly well you told me the parents breed but perhaps I said the mum's breed. You know how dog breeding works, don't you? It takes two to tango. Isn't it? All right?

The mum is half staff. I don't like. It takes two to tango. There's a slight suggestion of judgment towards the dog. But you walk in after you discover, A, it takes two to tango. You're both taking responsibility for this litter. I'm not going to lie,

I've never quite liked your impression of me. It always managed to sound just a bit, a bit like Jack Duckworth. It's always just a bit like a very grim storyline in Coronation Street, not just a jovial one. I've sat with secretary spreading rumours about me. It's that sort of tone about the way you did impression of me. So what breathed me, Mike?

So half-staffy, half-cock mother, father, pure cocker. So I suppose that makes her three-quarters cocker, one-quarters staffy. Now you tell me, she doesn't like that. either. She looks a bit dashundy and a bit beagley. She does look a bit beagely. So I thought, well, you never know back in the past. What's the portmanteau name then for the, for that breed? Portmanteau. I've never heard of that word in my life. It means... Porn mantow, isn't that that athlete's foot? It's a portmanteau bit. No, portmanteau word is when you link two words to create one.

word. So, yeah. So... Brandelina? Exactly. You've got it. You're very quick. Oh, thank you. I don't have to say it like you've visited me in hospital. Once you get into... And I've just woke it up. You're certainly remembering the names, aren't you? Well, says the man who just said, Port Mantor. What does that mean? Is that athlete's foot? No, she sat, she walked me going back.

Spreading rumors about me. If you were in Coronation Strictly, what... I'd love to be in Co-B. Would you? I think you'd be good. When I started in showbiz, there was two things I wanted to do. Being Doctor Who and a little part in Corrie. And I've done me Doctor Who. It's something I've always wanted to do,

but I'm not willing to spend more than two or three days on set because I've got things to do. I want to say things to do, I mean, I just like being at home. Yeah. That's my new thing now as I'm getting older. I love being at home, don't you? But in theory, you would like to be in Coronation. I definitely would.

I'm not joking. I would like to do a very small part in Coronation Street where I just pop in. go up to the bar at the rovers and just say and they go are you new around here and I go yeah

I'll just sack secretary and I'll tell you something she's not coming back if she's spreading the room was like that about me and they just go again just saying no

I don't think secretary I don't think that she'd be called a secretary now be oh what they call that assistant or

office administrator or something I don't like the way you're saying that either You've meeting up with your granddad And he's just told you a story About how he recently visited a foreign country And he had his own way of explaining the locals

And you've got, I don't think they actually say that for granddad No one's going to complain They're going to be too busy to say You can't give a dog where you can food you animal That's what they're going to be saying Walking the dog is sponsored by Pet Plan As some of you may know, I'm fussy when it comes to my dog Which is why I never went back to that groomer

who gave him a mullet. But I'm fussyest of all when it comes to his health, and that's why I've always insured him with Pet Plan. I've always found them so easy to deal with, and they cover things other insurers don't, which is probably why they're the UK's number one pet insurer. You're number one as well, Raymond? Calm down.

Terms, conditions and excesses apply. Pet Plan is a trading name of Allian's Insurance PLC. So you're now a two-dog family and you've got a cat. Two cats. Two cats. What are the cats called again? They call Yoshi and Poppy. Everywhere you look, something's breathing.

I've realised that. You go into a room and there's something breathing and looking at you. I quite like that, though. We've got three kids, two cats, two dogs. Sometimes we're going to garden for a bray and then look at 56 golf fish and I think there's just no escape. I'm so pleased that you've got dogs. I think you're a real dog person.

Yeah, I think so. Well, I grew up with dogs. It was Tara. I had a dog when I was a kid, which I think we talked about. You had a dog because you got up in a pub. Correct. You really, I'm trying to work out, have you got a good memory, or have you been listening back for research?

I have got a good memory. Have you? Yeah. Well, I read your book. Do you remember and I really liked it? And I have good retention for things that I like. You'll understand that. Yes.

Because it's an ADHD thing. Is it an ADHD thing? Yeah, if you like things, you'll remember them. That's why people get irritated. But it's all or nothing, in it? Yeah. I can't remember things that happened yesterday. Do you think it's because the shelf, the memory shelf, just gets full and you just got a choice.

You can only remember if you take something off. It's because if you're, you're, if you've got ADHD, which I have and Lee has. Have you been diagnosed? Because I still haven't been diagnosed. It's just a general assumption from everyone I meet. I don't know what it is. Do you say that, but you did go and see a psychiatrist?

In the book, I went to see the psychiatry, but not for an ADHD diagnosis. I went to the psychiatrist as a way of doing something in the book, which was read the chapter. Yeah. At the end of the chapter, write what you want about the chapter. So it was a device. And she said, I think you're ADHD, but she also pointed out. we don't usually diagnose ADHD because people come to us with autobiographies and says, can you read a chapter and they write a bit about it after every chapter?

That's quite niche, she said. But you see what we've just done, we were talking about the dog and look where we've ended up. So this is, I'd say that's fairly, if you want to know what it's like, that's what it's like. Your dog in the pub, that was the dog that bit you. Husky, I've got a picture there. It's quite coincidence. Oh, can I see a picture of your child's a dog? It's not particularly good, but someone who lived near us said, I've done a drawing of you.

your dog and it's the only real thing I've got of my dog. Oh really? This is so beautiful. Yeah. It's a little chalk drawing from the eighties or something and that's my dog. What Ray? What do you think of that? Be careful. It's chalk so it will dribble if it gets wet. Yeah, that's Sheba. So she was, we used to say half husky and half we don't know what. So it's definitely a mixed breed dog. I love that you've got that picture. I think that means you must have had quite a, you must have formed quite a... Oh, massive.

Did you? I got this dog when I was seven, it lived 14 years. So I had that dog in the age of seven to 21. So that's a massive. And I don't remember much before seven. So basically I had this dog for the whole of my childhood that I remember, and my teens and my early 20s. And because you were moving around a lot,

and things were a bit up and down at home. A little bit up and down. That's an understatement, yeah. A bit up and down. But the dog represented stability as well for you, I think. Do you think so? Maybe. Maybe. Who knows? I don't know what it's like not to have a dog, so I've got nothing to compare it. I think she did. I think that.

Well, let's go with that then. And then a terrible thing happened because, well, you were lied to? Oh, yeah. That's not that dog. So the dog, which story made it and would have lied to you. Which I'm quite protective of any personal details, but for some reason in the early days I would have lied to you, I would have literally got my penis out on the table. if it had an obscure birthmark on it worth of any note.

Now I'm a bit protective, but at the time I told the story which is true that before that dog, there was another dog who was only lasted a few months with us. And my mum got this puppy and Alsatian. And it was not, absolutely not this dog, and it kept biting us. And rather than just admit defeat and give it away, she thought would upset us, she went for the much more palatable story. story of he's been hit by a car. Actually to be fair, no he was hit by a car, that is true.

He was hit by a car, this dog, but was fine. Went to the vets and said, no, he's going to make a complete recovery, he's going to be fine. But my mum used that as an opportunity to and put me on the phone. I remember standing in the phone box, because I've got the vet on the phone and the vet said, I, just so you know, the angels came down and asked if, Shane, that was the name of the dog, Shane would like to come and live in heaven. And they went, he was dead, is he?

And that was it. Turns out years later, it wasn't the vet, that was her mate. Just a mate. And so, but she thought that was a better way than saying we've given the dog away to give closure. So we thought it was in heaven and it was in Stockport. And that was, yeah, it was a bit disturbing,

yeah. But I don't know, maybe she was right. If you say we've given the dog away, you're constantly, it's there all the time, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? It's always, you know. What's harder to live with? A parent dying or they move next door but you never see them. Let me tell you.

It's not the second one because that's what I went through. No, I'm joking. No, you know what I mean? Knowing somebody's alive that you can't see is actually quite. quite, you know, if a parent and a child don't see each other, it's quite hard for that child if the child knows that parent's alive. If they chose not to see their child, you know, it's quite a... But then you had to do, your dad, when he left the family, he left the holiday and didn't come back. You knew this would happen if we sat down on the sofa.

Emily would slowly steer it around towards, of course, your father. I would argue that it's probably more, well, I don't know, we can't say what's more traumatic. I can say anything I like about my father. I've told you that we might be feeding our dog vegan food. I can say anything now. No one's going to mention it. Honestly, I can say anything. I killed my father.

I buried him in Epping Forest. No one's ever going to find the body. How dur he say he's giving his dog vegan food? That's what will happen. How do you find the walking aspect of it? Because you get recognised as well. Yeah, it doesn't bother me now. It used to bother me.

I see what's changed with me. Listen, I'm not David Becker. and despite, you know, what you might think, I'm not a most good-looking. But no, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I just think comedians aren't proper famous. They're like, proper famous means sport stars or, or movie stars, and that, you know, we're at the lower end. I'm quite glad that it's like that, but that's what I've always felt. So it's not like it's a major thing. But I would say that on the times when I've not wanted to be recognised, the hat and the glasses always works. So it's fine. Just put the hat on the glasses I were and no one never. But that's not all the time. It's only occasionally, I will do that. But I've realised that actually,

when you do a quiz show on ITV, you think when you're on a BBC on sitcom or a panel game, that, you know, everyone at some point has watched it. And it just isn't true. Some people just don't care about comedy at all, and they just don't watch it. You know, it's like that old joke,

you know, about the Yorkshire fellow going comedy. It's all right, if you like. laughing. But it's sort of true. Some people just have no interest in comedy and just having aversion to it that's gone, I don't like comedy. I don't watch comedy films. I don't watch comedy programs. And so they won't have seen the comedy I've done. But ITB quizzes, they might like because they're not in the genre of comedy. And so I've noticed any idea of sticking a per of wrapping glasses on if I want a bit of anonymity goes out of the window. Now I'm on an ITV quiz show. they just go, hey, 1%

club. They just, it's... Oh really? That's interesting. It's just gone to a wider audience. That's what it gets, because, yeah, just more people, I think. I don't know the stats, but a lot of people watch quizzes. You're an extrovert as well. So you... Well, yeah, but not... Every situation...

I've never seen you be rude. I've never seen you be dismissive or... No, I'm never... And it's never... Listen, I'm saying this like if I'm putting the hat and glasses on, the idea is to go... It's a balancing act. I know my friend Rob Brydon, when we go out together, he, I sometimes will put the hat and glasses on, and he won't. And he's perfectly right in his argument, which is, yeah, but I don't want people

to see me and go, who does he think he is with his dark glasses on it? And I get that. And I'm sort of the same. You've got to get the, you know, I used to go to a super, I used to be quite paranoid when I first got to go on television. And I used to get really annoyed that, you know, why do people still look at you when you've got you dark glasses on your hat on in the supermarket? And they go, That's why they're looking at, you idiot, because you've got dark glasses and a hat on in the supermarket. So it draws the eye, not the opposite, you know. I used to do this thing where I used to change the shape of my face in the supermarket just slightly. This won't come across on a podcast, but I just sort of go like, if I was walking past,

I thought, I think they might recognise it, I'll just do that, and it might have just helped not to be recognised. And I'd say, Zahar, you know, I think they were looking at me. And you go, of course they were looking at you. Look at what you're doing with your face. Of course they were looking at you, but not because you're on the tell. But then a lot of people say, oh, I never wanted to be famous. Particularly comics say that. You're one of the few people that I believe when you say that.

Oh, I genuinely. Listen, I had one ambition, and that was when I saw the London comedy circuit for the first time, when I went to the comedy story in London, and then when I started going to all the clubs as an audience member, all I wanted was that. And it's true of, I mean, it's very easy to look back through rose-tinted glasses, but it is true that my generation of comics that started off in the 90s, there was no stand-up on television.

And if there was, it was very short-lived. Very few people. If you wanted to be famous by being a stand-up comedian, you were in the wrong job because the whole thing was stand-up doesn't work on television. Now, we're so brought up now on live at the Apollo and the various stand-up show. shows on TV. That just was not the case in the 90s. There was, every now and again there'd be a stand-up show that would last one series and go and then you'd just go back on the circuit.

It wasn't a sort of a way of breaking into television. And so it's not like the American way where you'd go on Lettem and Johnny Carson or whatever do a spot be discovered and get your own sitcom. In Britain it just didn't exist. So if you were on the circuit, you wanted to be a stand-up. comedian because there was no really nothing else there was nothing else that was going to follow it and that's why i do believe there was a bigger proportion of people that were in it for the right reasons when i started out because there was nowhere to go after it anyway it wasn't a path

it wasn't an easy pathway it was going nowhere it was just stand up and i was the same i thought imagine going around the clubs in london and earning a hundred pounds in cash for 20 minutes I'd never at that point earned more than 100 quid a week in any job because I was always in dead-end jobs this was don't forget late 80s early 90s when I was working and I was a student

and then I discovered stand-up so to earn like 70 quid for 20 minutes or 100 quid for 20 minute and be able to do two or sometimes three shows in a night I was the richest man in the world I just couldn't believe it you know so there was nothing there was no I didn't need money

you know what I find interesting is that you'd done you've worked as a stable boy for red rum I know I can't remember the years but I can remember the weekly wage as well you say the job and I'll say the wage stable boy for red rum 26 pound 50 YTS Bingo caller

65 pounds a week I used to clear 25 pounds on my bed sit 40 quid for myself 15 quid for food and then 25 quid cleaning the bingo hall in the morning extra when I found that I found I could do cleaning in the morning wow I got an extra something like don't know 25 pounds a week for doing two or three mornings and that was that was then rich

because I suddenly had 15 pounds spending money went to about 40 to 50 pounds spending money couldn't believe it I didn't know what to do with it pontins blue coat pontine's blue coat that was I think that was 60 quid a week but it was all all in so you got all your lodgings and you got all your food. So actually another job where I felt very rich because you literally couldn't spend the money because the audience, the holiday makers used to buy you drinks and stuff and used to go around. And this changed now, I think, but back in the 80s, if you were a blue coat, your job in the evening was to go from table to table just chatting to them and you were allowed to drink. So you'd sit there and the rules were you couldn't drink a pint.

So weird. I don't want a job. I want a mental job. And you go, you're not allowed to drink more than, you're only allowed a half. So the same conversation every night Do you want to pint, Lee? They don't let you drink pints. I'll tell you what? Why don't I get your two halves?

And you pretend you'd never heard it before and you go Brilliant, thank you. Hey? I just say, hey, Maureen, he can't drink pines. He's getting two halves. He loves me now. He's good and he's good. I haven't thought of that. Every table was doing that. So you'd end up just drinking a pint at every table. You weren't supposed to spend more than half an hour at any table,

but you found your good table, so you're half an hour. It'd be like parking. You know when you can't park more than an hour. So you park for an hour, then you move it somewhere else for an hour, then you got back to that other parking space for an hour. That's what it was like. So I'd either have two tables, but I was going backwards and forwards between the two. I'd just get drunk. I was like a 19-year-old kid getting drunk, getting paid 60 quid a week with free board and lodgings.

And this was the 80s, so 60 quid was probably about, I don't know, with all the lovely interest rates, probably about 60 per quid. And was that scene as like, when you were working there, for example, Did your parents think, oh God, that's great? That was like seen as... Did you view that as a career job? Were you think... Absolutely.

No, I didn't have any... I had no... I've never had a career, anything even remotely like a career until I did stand-up. Nothing. Every job was just a... A doing it because why not?

earns a bit of money. Well, no... I certainly didn't want to be a performer. When I was a blue coat of Ponzi's, everyone else was a performer but me. There wasn't even a comedy club up North. I mean, don't forget, I started in, I got an interest in it in the early 90s. And obviously there was loads of working men's clubs,

but the so-called alternative boom that I was interested in, completely London-centric. There was no, even when I started doing stand-up in the mid-to-late 90s, it was very rare that he went out of London and went up north. Then they started opening up, a bit of Manchester, there was jonglers that spread around the country a bit. Now it is a properly sort of national thing, but that wasn't the case early on.

It was an art scene and like most art scenes, you felt that if you weren't in London it wasn't happening, you know, certainly in telly if you wanted, and I didn't, but if you had ambitions in telly. And presumably when you first went into it, you probably would have been aware, was it quite Oxbridge as well? Well, yeah, I mean I still think that's still there. Is it? I think so.

I still think there's an Oxbridge, if not literal, meaning that they are Oxford and Cambridge that are running the show. There's a philosophy based on it. There's still a, you know, it happens not just in television, but just across the media in general. Look at Mrs. Brown's boys, you know, again, like Brexit. It's not the fact that people, some people don't like Mrs. Brown's boys that I find interesting.

It's the absolute anger. The absolute. People will write whole pages. You know, a broadsheet will, will give two-page article about why it's not funny and why it shouldn't be on. Now, I remember growing up and not particularly liking the stuff my parents liked, you know, I didn't, I actually now have a newfound affection for Terry and Jude. But when I've grown up, I felt it was a bit safe and not my sort of thing.

But there wasn't that anger to the point of writing articles about it, because it's back to that thing of too much, you know, two, you know, two, Lots of society. And I would guess with no evidence at all that Mrs Brown's boys' audience are, you know, there's a disproportionate amount of working class people who watch it. And so therefore the people who work in the arts

and the media, they have less connection with those sort of people. So therefore it does come as a shock to them because they don't know anyone who's watching it. In the same ways, know anybody that was voting to Brexit. And so they get angry. I don't get this. Nobody's watching you. You go, well, they are. There's millions watching it. But they shouldn't be. Right. But I mean, it doesn't matter, does it? Loads of things on. It's not like we're going. Today's edition of

today's documentary about Stanislasky has been cancelled due to the Christmas special of Mrs. Brown's book. You're not losing anything. They're not doing endless back-to-back repeats on BBC 4, there's plenty for you as well. Why are you so angry? Doesn't work in reverse. You know, when you've got a documentary on BBC 4 that, let's face it, hardly anyone's watching, you don't get the sundew in seven pages on that,

you're going, why is this being made? And yet, it does in reverse, and it's totally more justifiable a show that gets millions, arguably. Well, that's why. It's because it gets millions, and so it's an uncomfortable reminder. It's an inconvenient truth.

It's kind of like, Well, maybe this is the majority. It's not you. And yet you're setting the agenda and... Yeah, you're supposed... Again, like Brexit. And I'm sounding like some sort of Brexit mouthpiece. I'm quite happy to say I voted Remain. But I'm less bothered now that Brexit won.

I'm more bothered about the volume of noise that came out after that about... What? But we told them. Didn't they read that page 7 in The Guardian? We told them. Why weren't they listening? We've told them not to watch Mrs Brown's well. I can't keep saying this. You know, that's the tone all the time

that there's some sort of, you're not following what we're telling you to do. Yeah. And I find it genuinely fascinated. It's like, well, that's because they're not interested in what you're writing. They don't care. We still live in a very class-ridden society.

That's what I really mean by, when I say it's Oxbridge-dominated. I probably don't mean that. I probably mean it's very class-driven still. We live in a very class-ridden. driven country still. And to me, nothing deter, if you want to be middle class or if you want to be not working class, nothing helps that more than your appreciation of certain art forms. You know, if you want to appear highbrow, you're very safe saying I go to the opera or the ballet. If you

want to appear highbrow, you're probably not safe saying I watch Mrs Brown's boys. So nothing, you know, if you have to like something that not the majority like, because as soon as the majority like it, it takes away what it's doing for you, which is making you a higher status by saying, I'm in the minority like this because the minority are in charge and we like certain things and the majority like other things. So you've got to be seen to hate the majority at all. Now, this doesn't always work.

But there are some things that do both. You know, they cover the big numbers, but also they're seen as very high art. But they're the minority. They're very rare of those things. Do you still, how do you identify then class-wise? Oh, I'm, you know, I studied sociology at college when I resat my O levels. And the one thing that's stuck in my head, I had to re-sit me O levels, I was a right, tear away, waste.

And the one thing I remember from it was basically saying, you can't change your clap. I mean, in terms of a sociological way, sociological studies, class people, you know, it's a science. They will say, what do your parents do? What's your dad's job? And that's so relevant to class definition

when you're studying it academically that you sort of can't change it. Really? Yeah, I'm... So your parents are Republicans... I am working class living in middle class life. That's what I'm doing. That is totally what I'm doing.

totally living a middle-class life in a middle-class area. I can't deny that either. But it's also true that I do believe, or certainly the academics believe, that you are set, your sect, your class is set, which is, to me, again, it's not a coincidence that I remember looking a few years ago, I don't know if it's still the same, but looking a few years ago at who were the arena-filling comics? And you had John Bishop, Peter Kay, Michael McIntyre, Miranda Hart.

You look at those people, they're not just slightly classed, if I'm. defined, they're Uber class defined. Michael's not just middle class, he's Uber middle class. John's not just working class, he's Uber working class, same with Peter. And that's not to say that they're living in a working class life, but I'm talking purely

their accent. They need that definition, people need to hang the peg on, I'm going to see the very posh woman, I'm going to see the very working class bloke, because we're so obsessed with class. How do you choose violence? I see comedy as Forget stand, forget the professional version of comedy, just having a laugh, which I always try and bring it back to.

What did I want, because I didn't particularly want to be on the telly, but I wanted to be a stand-up, don't get me wrong, but I didn't have any burning ambitions to be on telly. What did I do it for? What was the point of comedy professionally? And so what I always try and do is remind myself of what it was like before I was a comedian. And nothing has ever got better than just being with a load of mates. and having a laugh. You know, I've played in arenas, and that's not as good as making a table full of 12 people laugh that you all, and you know them all. And you're not just making them laugh,

they're making you, you know, that whole interactive experience of having a laugh with people is so what I try and bring it back to. I really hope you enjoyed part one of my chat with Leamac. As I mentioned, he was such a brilliant guest. We're extending our chat into a second episode, where he goes deeper into his thoughts on comedy and also talks about his friendship with the late Sean Locke, which had me half laughing, half crying, because it's such an incredible blend of funny and moving. If you're listening to this on the day of release, you can listen to Part 2 on Thursday, and do make sure you'll subscribe so you don't miss it.