Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Ross Noble

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

This week on Walking The Dog, legendary comedian Ross Noble joins Emily and Raymond for a stroll around Regent's Park in North London. Since he last came on the podcast, Ross has moved to Australia! His cockapoodle-doodle-doos Baxter and Baguette are doing well, and they have been joined by Indie the (rather lively) bearded collie. Ross discusses his one-time dream of joining the army, his family's sense of humour and whether he'll ever make a stand up show about his trauma...Ross is currently touring the UK with ‘Jibber Jabber Jamboree’. Tickets at rossnoble.com, including for his two nights at the iconic London Palladium on the 14th and 15th March!Listen to Emily and Ray's first walk with Ross from April 2017Follow Emily: Instagram - @emilyrebeccadeanX - @divine_miss_emWalking The Dog is produced by Faye LawrenceMusic: Rich Jarman Artwork: Alice LudlamPhotography: Karla Gowlett Walking The Dog is a Goalhanger Podcast brought to you by Petplan: visit petplan.co.uk Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Walking the dog is sponsored by Pet Plan, who pay 97% of all the claims they receive. Pet Insurance can be a confusing business, but I think ultimately it's all about the quality of the vet fee cover provided. Pet Plan cover things other insurers don't and can pay your vet directly, so you get to spend your cash on other essentials. No, Raymond, that doesn't include dog biscuits. Terms, conditions and excesses apply. Pet Plan is a trading name of Allian's Insurance PLC. I've genuinely never, never had a job, never had a boss. The closest that I've had to doing a proper job interview

and trying to get a job is when I did Celebrity Apprentice. This week on Walking the Dog, Raymond and I went to London's Regents Park to meet up with an old friend of this podcast, legendary comedian Ross Noble. Ross now lives in Australia and he's over here touring, but he's got three beautiful dogs back home, Baggett and Baxter,

who he describes as cockapoo, doodle doos, and Indy the bearded collie, who you'll hear all about. Ray and I had the loveliest role with Ross because he's basically just the total joy of a man. And he likes Ray so much. He even invited him over to stay with him in Australia so they could go walking. Come to think of it, though, he didn't actually say anything about me going with him. Do try and see Ross's show while he's over here, jibba jabbery, because it's fantastic. He's doing two nights at the London Palladium on the 14th and 15th of March

and touring all around the UK. So for more info and tickets, go to rossnoble.com. I'll stop talking now and hand over to the man himself. Here's Ross and Ray. I'll just put his harness on, Ross. Yep. Ross Noble, are you already laughing at my dog? Yes.

Do you think he's inherently comic? Yes. He's absolutely comical. Come on Ray, you lead the way. So we're not going that way. We can go around the outside, can we? Is that? Yeah, it says no dogs.

That's the police that are saying that. That's the police. There's a police sign saying no dogs. Oh, you know what? I might carry him. Because to be honest, I flouted those rules with Tim Peek. right and astronauts strike me

as fairly were all bound and he seemed all right with it no no he's the opposite he's not of the earth is he galactic law

that's Tim Peek he looks at earth regulations and just because I'm not he doesn't even allow the laws of gravity apply to him he flouts every law

going physics the lot I find him disconcerting Tim Peake when you arrive at he throws they've got this thing where they've got like pictures of

they've got pictures of like I'm not even London as I suppose just people the best of British saying welcome to London have you seen it? They've got a picture of so there's a picture of this is very modern a lady beef eater arms open wide like this like saying

welcome to London and then like beef eater underneath don't need to know that you've got the outfit it on. Unless he's like bogus beef eater, you know what I mean? You just go definitely a beef eater. Number one scam in London is women pretending to be beef eaters. Watch out. Be careful. And then it's got Tim Peek astronaut and it's him like larger than life, like bigger than like huge. And it's him like this like welcome to and they've got their arms out wide as if to say welcome to London. It looks.

like if they were had a speech bubble it would say give us a hug and if you've just got off a long whole flight and there's an astronaut beckoning you to to be embraced by an astronaut i just find it disconcerted well you just you know i think you're probably just feeling look buy me a drink first buy me a drink first i it's one of the best punchlines ever that i it's one of the best punchlines ever that I used that I was in Dubai and I got strip searched and my wife was laughing a lot and we got off the plane and we walked through and the guy looks at me

and I was carrying two bags and I had aviator sunglasses on and they slipped down they slipped down because I was carrying the bags and I thought instead of putting the bags down and moving my sunglasses back I'll get to the front of the queue and then I'll put the... Oh, madam. Oh, okay.

What do we do, Ross? I think we just proceed. Do we? Keep your head down. We'll discuss what's happening in the moment. Oh, what's a beautiful fountain? It's one of my favourite, favourite fountains. Okay.

The sound of, thank goodness, the sound of spurting water. So we've come to us as a, it might be the most extraordinary thing that's ever happened on this podcast. I mean, ironic, buy me a drink for. I do apologise. You can hear the fountain in the background. I feel we needed a bit of cleansing. Ross Noble and I were...

I barely introduced him. And hadn't even introduced him and we walked past a bench and there was some activity going on. A young couple. A courting couple, we'll call them. How would you describe the activity? I would describe it as very much dry humping.

I mean I would describe the activity as not without an engagement ring. It's my day. Very true. I mean, but there again, in these wonderful garden settings, there's a certain, is it Lady Chattley's lover? Was he the gardener in that? All I'm saying is, if the police are going to take issue with my dog wandering around, I'm going to say to them they've got bigger fish to pry.

I mean, they're at it again. Good Lord. Sorry, Raymond. So yeah, so anyway, so I was at the customs thing and the guy said, I have to search you and he took me into the back room and he went, take clothes off. And foolishly, I went, buy me a drink first, right?

It's the right, comedically correct. He didn't get the job. joke he went what I went nothing he went no what did you say I went but buy me a drink first and then I realized that perhaps there was a there was a slight suggestion of homosexuality about me didn't like which probably didn't land well didn't he didn't he didn't find that funny what's what's going on here some sort of fair it's a rambling group I want well I tell you what I want to do Ross Noble. Yes. I want to formally welcome you to this podcast. Oh, sorry. We always do this.

Yeah, yeah. I'm so happy you've come back on because you've been on this before. Yes. And you were living in the UK at the time. Kent, yes, I was down in Kent. You were living in Kent and I met your dog's Baxter and Baggett. Yes. Was that, was it Baxter? It wasn't Winnie and Fred. was after, yes, Baxter and Baget, yeah. Baxter and Baget, who you referred to as Cocka-Doodle-Wood-A-Doodle-Doole. Yeah, Cockapoodle-Doodle-Doo's, yeah. The most middle-class dog you could possibly get.

I have allergies, you see, so... Yeah. Yes. And are they both still... You've subsequently moved to Australia. Yes. Yeah, Baxter and Baguette. Yeah, still going strong.

They're still very much with us. Oh good because they're beautiful dogs. And then we now have Indy who's, that's an unusual. Look that. What is it? I've seen keep off the grass but that's a very intricate picture of a training show and it says, Please do not step on the shrub bed. Very specific that isn't it?

And do you see who the notice is by? By the order of the sexual bed? Secretary of State. Secretary of Steed. Bloody hell. He's come from very high up, Ross Noble. He has. I would say these royal parks,

they really lay the law down. We should say we're in Regents Park. Yeah. Because you are over here touring at the moment. I'm on tour at the moment. So tell me, so Baxter and Baggett, you still have. Yes. And...

Baxter now lives with my in-laws, because he's got very old. And he's... He needs a bit of... peace and quiet. Yeah, he lives with the in-laws and then Indy and Baguette are very much, they're going

strong. And tell me about... Bearded collie. Indy is? Yes. And Indy's quite energetic. Yes, he's a bit... He's a bit nuts,

but sort of all bearded collies are, you know? Are they? Yeah, yeah, they're always just like... Even like when he was a puppy, we'd put him in his little... What do you call it? Like a little pen thing? Yeah.

And then you'd go to bed, you put him in there. and then the next morning see him scratching at the door and he go oh my god he's climbed out he was climbing up the side of the pen like a ladder and then jumping off the top and then so I had to put a lid on it so it was like a cage

had to buy another one put a lid on the top of it same thing scratching along and he was climbing up he was climbing up and then squeezing through like constantly trying to escape and then as he got bigger he'd run towards a gate or a fence and he would just leap onto the top of the gate perch and then jump off so fences couldn't hold him so yeah so that was interesting when you're trying to you know like when you think what's going to keep the dog nice and safe oh that fence that'll that'll stop him no so yeah he's um but then my old my old dog uh Winston who was a bearer Collie as well and he got his eyes he my sister bought me this this soft toy thing

and I put it on the shelves so he didn't rip it to pieces so he dragged all the cushions over piled them up ran towards the bookshelves bounced off the cushions and then used it as a ladder so he could get up and grab the toy that he wanted so very intelligent very intelligent but also like a little bit nuts you know constant you constantly. It's like living with the... Me. Britain's... I was going to say Charles Bronson, the prisoner. You know, Britain's hardest prisoner?

Does he sort of coach himself and butter? That's so good, isn't it? Why did you get a bearded collie? Did you just love the idea of one? Did you and Fran think, well, maybe... She really loved them and then... And your wife, would you say? Yes. If you imagine Raymond about 10 times the size and the hair being grey

instead of that's what be able to call you. Hello. What, excuse me, why does there a sign saying easy going in that flower bed? Because that's the variety of this rose. Oh, the rose is called easygoing. Oh, I don't think anyone should ever buy those for me. That one's called anyone's for a martini.

Thank you. So do you think with regards to the dog now? Yes. But just anyone who was thinking of, getting one what would you advise them there are a lot of work I would advise them to have a massive amount of space yeah and lots for them to do all the time at our old house he would he would just jump the fence and take himself off he just disappeared I'm like oh my god's sick if he saw a kangaroo that would be it he'd just be he'd be gone you know like you chase a kangaroo

I was finding this relatable until now so in is still very much running around and being very active but um here it's a he isn't it yes it's like for example instead of like you know some dogs are like are we going back around into the should we go down this way you're right well let's try another way too much humping that on that for me let's go into what i call more of a family area yeah less of the the x-rated so go on so it's one of those things were like, you know, some dogs would like to, you know, you'd throw a toy for them and then go and get it. Whereas Indy's a sort of dog where you hide the toy and he'll sniff it out, you know. He'd rather sort of find it than run after it. He likes the challenge. Yeah, yeah.

But he's, yeah, he's just a bit nuts. But you know. All God's children. Exactly. Exactly. Do you think maybe it's quite good for you? have him because it reminds you what Fran has the deal. Yeah, you know exactly. No, absolutely. You have 100%. Oh, look at that little doggy. Do you like that doggy? Let's see if it gets on with Ray. Come on. This could be asking for trouble. What's that? What kind of doggy's that?

She said Jacker Russell Cross of a Poodle. A jackapoo. Oh, Jackapoo. Oh, thank you. What's yours called? Scout. Scout. This is Raymond. Hello, Roman. You're very handsome boys. You are very handsome boys. Have I? Oh, I really like them. What I liked is that I think they thought he was called Roman.

And I didn't want to correct them. Because it made, they seem quite posh. And I think they thought Ray was poacher than he was. Remind me, as this is walking the dog, I need a quick reminder of your childhood history with dogs. Were you a dog family? No. You weren't, why are you? Gerbils.

I had gerbils. I was scared of dogs. There was like a local park right opposite, like outside of our house. But you'd sort of have cul-de-sacque and then the house at the end. But then beyond the houses was a big park. So for me, growing up, I'd look out my virgin window, I'd just see fields, you know? So it was kind of, it didn't feel like you were living on a big estate, you know?

and which area specifically we should say this was this is a town called Cramlington who had at one point had the biggest razor blade factory in the world and the biggest paracetamol factory in the world when I was a bit younger I was always very rude about Cramlington seeing it was boring and that it was very sort of

middle class very sort of as bog standard and then I realized oh it was me that founded boring wasn't it was a problem with me in a quest for excitement but what used to happen was is that the people would let their dogs off the lead running along and then as children we'd be playing in our front garden and the dogs would come rushing in jump up and knock me to the floor so I was terrified of dogs I kind of like them you know like a family members dog or whatever I go yeah

I'd like a dog but only if I got to know it and I was really proper I was probably scared of dogs and my mom scared of dogs as well she's like very get her away call it off call it off all of that you know that business so yeah and I was I was sort of dead set against us getting a dog and then obviously like always happens when we got a dog fell in love with it and was like wow this is this is good but yeah not no no dogs I was allowed rodents but I think the reason similar, which even now. Your mum would probably be alright with Ray.

He's not far off a guinea pig, is he? We've got a guinea pig, and he's got a similar haircut. A little bit smaller, but... Hmm. Yeah. One thing that you've said to me, which I always find really interesting, that people tend to get wrong about you, is making assumptions,

because they hear your accent. And you've said this to me before, that people tend to... almost to get slightly surprised that your parents were teachers and you had quite a middle class upbringing. Is that right, Ross? Do they make assumptions about, oh, you grew up with coal minor parents? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there an element of that? I think I'm like Billy Elliott or something.

But you know what's interesting to it? There's a thing where I genuinely thought, and that might have been because my mom basically behaved like she was a Duchess. Did she? That's really been unkind, but she was always very sort of. She was aspirational. That's the word I'm looking for. Yes. We always used to say like high since bouquet, you know,

but I genuinely grew up thinking that, so yeah, both parents, teachers, stay school, middle schools. We had two cars. I mean, I wouldn't say they were. You know, we had like a fiesta and like a Talbot Alpine. And we had a caravan. I'm getting the picture. Ready, Breck on the table.

It was. Yeah, Top-O-Ware. Yeah. And I was led to believe, as I was growing up, that because, you know, we had a garden, we had all of that carry on. I was led to believe that that is what middle class was. You know what I mean?

You sort of got, well-to-do. It wasn't until I moved, and I went, oh, when I used to knock about with kids who lived in like, Jesmond, who were in sort of Victorian-built houses that weren't built in the 60s, where you could sort of close a door and it would go clunk instead of, you know what I mean? Like all the doors in the house that I grew up in were, you go, that's a nice wooden door, and then you'd realize, oh, no, it wasn't until you accidentally hit something against it that it had cardboard inside, you know.

It was like, sort of felt like growing up on a film set. And then you sort of got, oh, there's middle-class people who have got, like, money, money. I'm sure if you're brought up by two teachers in London we would have had a very different you know we had two cars and a garden and all that sort of stuff growing up with Northumber and that's probably your money goes a bit further you know so yeah your parents are both teachers yes and it was you and you had it's your sister isn't it yep yeah I've got no one sister

yep were they surprised when you went into comedy were they expecting it Expecting it. Were they? 100%. I was terrible at school. Like really terrible. What, not academic at all, were you? I was interested.

Just couldn't. I was dyslexic. I had no interest in, you know, like all tests and, you know, the stuff I was interested in, I was really interested in. And if I wasn't then, it just didn't even. I just couldn't. Not for me, thanks. It's one of those things that I've got no GCSEs apart from.

I've got like an air for performing arts and like a seeing art. I think that's all I've got. And I go, oh, there you go. So I'm not sick then. Anyway, the idea of getting a normal job because the teachers always say, it's going, oh, if you don't start concentrating, if you don't start applying yourself,

you'll never get a job. And I went, oh, I don't want a job. I don't want to do that. So when I was 11, 10 or 11, I taught myself to juggle, and I did that obsessively. Started street entertaining. What, you were 11? Yeah.

That's amazing. It's the kids' parties. Really? Yeah, myself and Greg, my mate, we used to have this double act. Sometimes we do kids parties, but most of the time, we put an act together. And we go into Newcastle, and then we just do a show. And then we finish the show, passed the hat round, make a load of money. and then we do that a couple of shows a day

I find that really interesting because people often think it is just being chaotic and funny and you realise no actually Lee Matt was saying this recently when he was on my podcast and he was saying I always try and tell my kids there is so much there is a kind of discipline involved in it as well and I think that's interesting with you that even at 11

and you were seeing it as a sort of business almost. But if it's fun, it's not work, is it? That's the thing. You only have to discipline yourself. You know what I mean? Yes, I see what you mean. I see what he's saying. At no point did I think I can just doss around here.

My parents were both going like, you do realize you're not like, like they were never going to go, oh yeah, we'll support you. That was never on the, you know. Wasn't like, oh, you can have a trust fund. Yeah. For a while I did think about, I thought I might join the army, you know. I thought that was like, I can you imagine. I want to travel around, want to see stuff.

And then I was like, yeah, I thought, I know the sense of a way, but I thought, oh yeah, I'd be in the SES, you know. There is a cliche about your author, Jordi, I know this, technically, are you? I was born in Newcastle, so yeah. But there is a cliche about why do people always associate Jordy's with the army, Ross? You know why? Because of Robson Green and Soldier Soldier Soldier. That's what it is. That's Robinson Green Soldier Soldier Soldier.

And Jerome Flynn as well. I'm sure if you ask people, it would be Jordy's and people with big chins. Walking the dog is sponsored by Pet Plan. As some of you may know, I'm fussy when it comes to my dog, which is why I never went back to that groomer who gave him a mullet. But I'm fussiest of all when it comes to his health. And that's why I've always insured him with Pet Plan. I've always found them so easy to deal with

and they cover things other insurers don't, which is probably why they're the UK's number one pet insurer. Your number one as well, Raymond? Calm down. Terms, conditions and excesses apply. Pet Plan is a trading name of Allian's Insurance PLC. Oh, look, I'm seeing some of these park vehicles. I used to have one of those.

I was going to say, Roth, whenever I see a sort of... park vehicle or a quad bike or something like that. Do you know who I think of? Yeah. Ross Noble, because I went to your country manor in Kent. Oh yes, that's right. Yeah. And you had a lot of land there. Yeah. I'll tell you that story about when I was building the bivouac with the machete. I think I tell that story. I think I probably did. I was, I had just turned down the opportunity to appear on a bear grills celebrity survival. I think on an island, maybe. Like that. As a kid I was obsessed with John Lofty Wiseman who is the he wrote the SAS Survival Handbook and I loved all that I loved all that sort of like building

bivouacs and shelters and and you know all of that side of the military and all like hiding in a hiding in a hole for days on end and stuff. I was building my kids at like a camp in the wood and like our woods you know and I was chopping these branches and like we weaving them through to make a shelter. And I looked up and there's my wife. And I'm sweating. I'm hacking away with this machete. And she just looked at me and she went,

you could have got paid for that. So, Ross. Yes. You joined the circus? So, yes. We need to go back. You joined the circus? So that was my plan.

So I wanted to join circus. So there was a circus, Gia Miller Circus. And I got my dad to take me along and then I went, I knocked on the flaps afterwards. The stripy circus flat. Yep. And I said, right, where's the ringmaster? Come on, let the dog say the rabbit.

And he said, I want to join. And he said, well, you have to be 18. And I was like, right, he said, come up when you're 18 and show us your act and all that. So I had a flyer, Jay Miller Circus. And I just remember thinking, right, I'm going to get so good at my circus stuff that when I turn 18, I'm going to turn up. I'm an audition. I get a gig and then I'll just travel around the world doing my circus act. And then if I'm not in the circus, I'll, I thought I've travelled around Europe just doing a street show.

And that was all planned out and then I won tickets to see a comedy show. And I saw it, I just went, oh, that's what I should be. be doing and then that's when I decided to do stand-up so oh Ross but you were always funny weren't you well I I like to laugh I bet there was quite a funny energy in your family yeah we're always laughing you know what it was it was less about always having a laugh and more just about just not taking yourself too seriously for example whenever there's a death in our family when we were looking at my dad funeral and all that were picking out the coffin you know flicking through the thing and

that and then saying to the funeral director was all this big carved big carved thing with Jesus on the side he went there's this one and then classic life oh no you wouldn't be seen dead in that yeah there wasn't a lot of reverence what quality do you get from your mom and what do you get from your dad from my mom oh hello Ray here he is here he is He's jumped up. From my mum, the ability to talk continuously without taking a breath. That would be the number one, the number one thing.

She is somewhat loquacious. And my dad, oh, probably sort of getting obsessed with things. And my dad was obsessed with sailing. His whole life was just about raising money for this charity that used to give kids a chance to go off and do something. ceiling but he got obsessed with it and that continued whereas i don't necessarily hyperfocus he had well you know he's a science teacher you know so he's he's very inquisitive about stuff i think you and my mom would really get on well you know you know you very much would

yes i think so i really like sound like i don't know if you'd get to speak what but you know if you that's why I like her because she sounds like she wasn't afraid of taking up space and I like women like that oh no absolutely very much knows what she wants doesn't take any shit and you know my dad was sort of a foil for that

yeah it's quite a good comic double that he sort of he died quite young so it's one of those things where it's hard you know it's hard to sort of you know and I kind of moved away so I sort of didn't get to I didn't get to spend as much time as I probably would have liked to sort of get to know him as an adult you know but oh he's got relaxed now he's going to curl you know what Ross I think he really likes your energy he likes me hot thighs I think you've got quite a it's a non-aggressive masculine energy does that make sense well it's funny actually because that's my dad was very

much it's tricky because my dad he just wasn't a blokey bloke at all you know he just didn't and he held no truck

with that sort of blociness you know so you know me getting into motorbikes and stuff he was a bit like he's like what are you doing that for you know I think he saw that as being a bit too blokey you know

I mean the fact that you know he used to sail all the time and you could you could argue that sailors are somewhat somewhat masculine or camp depending on which kind of

Yeah, but it's a weird thing. There's an element of you, I think, that there's a bear-like quality, but you've still got the tutu on. Do you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. No, you've got an element of the grizzly bear. Yes. But you're in touch with your... Just a sprinkle of glitter.

A sprinkler of glittery bear. Yeah, yeah. I'm seeing you as Rosnoe. What I'm interested in is, because you went into comedy pretty young. Whenever people talk about you, other comedians, it's often with a sense of you were so young. Didn't have to do a day's work in my life. Well, yeah, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, because I started on as 15. 15. Yeah, yeah, it's 15 when I started doing my first gig. I was getting gigs really quickly. So by the time I turned 18, I was 70 actually, I moved to London. I was already making a living. So I turned 18 and it was like, right, I'm doing this now. I've genuinely never, I've never had it.

job never had a boss the closest i've had to doing a proper job interview and trying to get a job was when i did celebrity apprentice we should say yes this was a few years back wasn't it and you've moved to australia yes yes towards the end of covid and were you thinking i need to work and you hadn't been able to work presumably in the way that you had been prior to covid was it was it just i've got to do something i'm going a bit crazy here it was really strict in austria where victoria was down and they said oh if you spend if you spend two weeks locked in a hotel room under armed guard you can come out and you can be on the celebrity of friends that's literally what i was about 14 days locked in a locked in a hotel room so Alan i felt you were his little pet he really liked you

didn't he sir Alan sugar you know but you know what it was is the fact that like he well he said on the first episode he just went normally I'm standing there and all the people in front of me are just I don't know who they are, but this is a celebrity apprentice, and I don't know who any of you are. And I think that was him sort of throwing his weight around. And then everyone's like, oh, all right, okay. And he went, except Ross. And he sort of pointed at me, and I went, oh, my God, talk about getting a target painted on your back, you know. Is it tragic that I felt really proud. And I was watching that, and I thought, he's the only one Sir Alan Sugar's heard of. But, you know, it's that thing of, like, he's from Britain, isn't he? And so my plan.

with that show was, I looked at it, I went, never in a million years do a reality TV, she was not interested in doing it. And I was like, do I want to do this, do I want to be part of that world? My wife said, theatres might be closed forever. And I went, eh, maybe I should do it.

And then you know what, the reason that I did it, and it's probably the reason why I wouldn't do, I'm celebrity and all the rest of it. Nobody's ever gone on one of those shows, and just dicked about, you know? Because obviously, the chance to raise money for charity, obviously, and there's part of me that went, well, you know what, like, say, 20 grand for charity if you win the thing,

you know, if you win an episode. And I thought, well, worst case scenario, I'll just pay the money to the charity myself. And obviously, you know, it's that thing about raises awareness for the charity and blah, blah, blah. But I just thought, I'll put my hand in my pocket it and I'll give them the money so it's not like I'm diddling them out of the out of the and I thought I will go on there and see how quickly I can get fired that was my plan I just thought you didn't you lost it right to the end yeah I did it to the final and I never got fired he just it was like whoever raises the most money wins and you just went Sheena you've won so technically never pointed me and said you fight so I never got fired you have to do that slightly excruciating thing when you're on celebrity apprentice don't you which is calling in favours from high-status pals. And there was sort of, oh, Ross is just calling his friend Russell Crow.

And I was like, wait, what, what? And Russell Crow gave you some money, I think, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, he's because he owns a rugby team. So is he a good mate of yours then? Yeah. He's a bit of a glittery bear as well. Glittery bear. We've got, that's how we met at the Glittery Bear Club.

I think he's one of those guys who's like, he's very, very generous. He's very generous. But anyway, that whole celebrity apprentice thing was just, what I realized was that it's basically what they do with those shows is they just, they tire you out. And they get you to the point where they put you under so much physical and emotional strain that who you actually are, you can't hide it. You literally can't, you can put on a facade, but you cannot hide who you are,

because you've got a camera on you all the time, you miced up all the time. And that's why initially my wife was just like, you can't go on this show. And I was going, what? And she went, she goes, because people think you're an asshole. And I went, so you're saying I'm an asshole. She went, no, but you'll come across as an asshole? And I went, but that's you saying I'm an asshole. and she went, no, you'll come across as an asshole.

And we had this big discussion about it. But she was right. She was absolutely right. Because she watches a lot of them shows. And she goes, if you go on that show, she said, you won't be able to help yourself. She goes, if you think somebody's a dick, you'll just tell them they're a dick.

And I'll go, but if they're being a dick, then you've got to tell them they've been an... And she went, no, but you can't do that on those shows. You can't do that. And I go, yeah, but if somebody's an idiot, then people will see that they're an idiot. And she's going, that's not out. So we went around in this big circle.

When I was doing it, I was looking at it just going, the thing is, is that they give you the rules, but then the rules, they change the rules. So once you realize that, once you realize that, they give you this sort of like, these are the things that you must do. And if you don't do them, then they use those against you. But if they don't want you to win,

then they'll use them against you, or they'll forget. So the whole thing is, you know, as soon as you realize that it's not a real competition, you know, but yeah, I was just, just like to and start calling people out, doing start, and then like literally episode two,

I'm sat in the boardroom going, you're a narcissist, you're this, you know, and I'm going, oh my God, I'm literally doing exactly what my wife predicted I would do.

Just going, you're an idiot. But the problem is, is I'm going, it's on camera, can back me up. And then sure enough, Lord Sugar turned around

and he went, well, he is right. And I went, yeah, so I'm right. And like, afterwards,

afterwards my wife was just going, like, you'll have a go with somebody because you'll think you're right. And I'll go, yeah, but if I am right, she goes, yeah, but you might be wrong. Yeah, but if I think I'm right, and it just going round around and around in circle. It's interesting, when you go into shows like that, I think you forget you have such an advantage over everyone else there. It's like a boxer going into the pub when someone steps up to him. Right.

Is that you can floor them. Yeah, right, right. Do you know what I mean? It's like the sort of weapon that you have. Well, it's, I think it's more just the fact that, like, if you're, like, in that, sure, if you're in the boardroom and somebody's having a go at you, other people would be getting really riled up by it. But when you stood on stage in a rough pub and, you know, you've done a gig in some rough Essex pub and people have shouted at you and chucked bottles at you, it's nothing. You just go, why do I care if a fashion designer thinks that I'm an idiot? Like who, like I just don't care.

Do you find sometimes, Ross, people, with your comedy career, it always interests me that people will sometimes say, you'll say something in an interview like, oh, well, I'll just, you know, I'll write something down and often I'll go off on tangents. Yeah. And then people come away with this idea that you literally just turn up. I don't sit down and write a show.

I go on stage and I start improvising and then they get a little seed of an idea and I might run with the idea for 10 minutes. And then out of that, I think something will happen in the room. And I might improvise for 10 minutes on the thing. And then I go, oh, actually, that got me to another idea. And then so the next night, I'll take that, the idea that I ended up with, forget the first nine minutes of it.

And then play with that. I might tell a story. And then the next night, the story might get longer. I might do the end first. And it's all, it's just that. It's just sort of just playing around with ideas, you know, keeping it fresh, you know. But again, you go back to that thing of like, if it's fun, is it work? It's the same thing of like, that's just how my brain works.

So therefore, I hate that thing. If people go, oh, it's ever so quick. It's ever so clever. He's just go, well, it's not if that's just how you head. You know what I mean? I think if there's one criticism that I would get leveled at me, you know, sometimes you get critics just going, oh, he doesn't reveal much about himself.

you know like that there's sort of but what they mean by that is that I'm not like confessional in terms of I don't say like oh here's this bit of darkness that happened to me where but I I think when I watch you stand up I just sort of think it's like a you know if you write in a character in a movie or whatever if a character tells you who they are on this oh this or this I want you need to know about me and then this this this and you think yeah that's what you want us to think but again it's like the reality show thing is like you sort of can't hide who you are you kind of like you can't do like a hundred 200 dates and you have to i mean some people might be able to but you sort of can't hide

what you're interested in yeah and and then so you know i'll go on there and just talk what some people go that's a lot of old bollics but actually that's what i think about whatever i'm talking about and how i'm talking about it either that reveals just as much character as somebody who comes on and says, I want to tell you about the trauma. I'm going to make my trauma funny. You would never do that, would you? I would, but in a very flippant way.

Oh, and by the way. Well, you do it more in the noble family style way, like the coffin. You were telling me that joke earlier. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But that's still sort of exercising pain, but you're doing it in a... Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?

That's the difference. It's funny. Some comedy now has just got into this thing if you go, you think, oh, here's a funny story. Oh, it just happens to be based around my dead father, whereas a lot of people go, oh, got a dead father. Let's see how we can present this.

You know what I mean? Might's a funny joke about a coffin. That's what it is. Still, it's true. And might show me and my whole family to be emotionally repressed, hiding behind laughter maybe if you want to get deeper out there but yeah but I think that's the way around it needs to be when I say other people doing it I think this better be fucking funny if this is the bumpy road we're gonna have to

drive over to get to it yes better be yeah for you know tell me about your tour because your tour is this is why we're fortunate enough to have you back here oh yeah yeah yeah so it's called jibba jabba jamboree Of course it is. Yeah, currently on all around the United Kingdom. But if the two, if people are listening to, sometimes people back up their podcast, don't they? No, I'm going to be doing this quite soon.

Yeah, but then even when the two are finished, in four or five years' time. Oh, I see, the listeners. Yeah. When I have contracted a terrible illness, and I have done a show all about how I'm struggling through it. And they go, oh, remember what he said back there before he's. Do you know, we can always edit it?

that out. I'd be less bothered about the terrible illness and I would be more bothered about the fact that I had actually done a show about the terrible illness. I'd rather be dead and have not done that show. So tell me, so jibba jamboree. Why is it called that as well?

Because a jamboree is a beautiful, I like to think of my shows as like a coming together of a community of people all experiencing a joyous thing. I do think it's like that. Yeah. And then jibba jabba is just a good way of very much staking out the fact that this will not be worthy. There'll be no dead parents, in it?

No dead parents. Unless, you never know. My support act is the ghost of my dead father. That might happen. You never know. You know what? You're an interesting mix, Ross. Yeah.

Because you are, I'll car raise cold. You're also one of the first people I would call if I had a problem. Just what I mean is you're someone who's incredibly sensitive and kind as well. Oh well that's good to know I've got the world fooled. You have? You really fooled me? I feel like you and Fran, your other half, who as you know I adore, I'm so glad you found each other because you're so perfect for each other. No, but you know what? She's actually ridiculously...

Hot? Yep, that is true. That is very true. No, she's very, very caring. You know, like a mate of mine, like his dad died, and I thought, I'm not, and she was like, ring him. And I said, I can ring him, that's just awkward. And I thought, it doesn't want me to. But my wife would be like, no, no, ring him.

You know, she's very, yeah, she's just a better person than me, that's what I'm saying. But I think often it's good to be reflective, but not out loud. Yes. You've said to me before as well, because we've discussed the ADHD thing. Yeah, yeah. I haven't been diagnosed with it, but a lot of people suggested it's got ridiculous. Anyway, yeah.

But you've said to me before that you feel you don't really want to tinker with what's going on in there. Because you feel it's working fine for you. Yeah, it's fine, yeah. It's only my wife and children whose life is in misery. But that's... It's only the people around me. It's one of the people that are... Everyone else suffers, not me.

How do they suffer? How does it manifest itself? And I appreciate your undiagnosed, so I'm not going to impose that on you, but how... Oh, no, no. I've been diagnosed, but by members of the public. Somebody I know tried to give me medication. He went, look, please do me a favour.

Just take one of these and see what happens. And I'm like, is this from me? me or is this or you or is this for you so I don't know what that's going I don't know what we were talking it's almost like we're going on to tangent there's me just there's me literally going oh yeah but i've been doing I was literally like what what are we talking about yes absolutely this is Raymond yes yes You're very lovely. My name's Maggie.

What a lovely day. There's no one here. It's fabulous. I know. It's so lovely. It's just so beautiful. Yeah. No, it's so nice.

And then now you'll be able to listen to this episode and hear yourself. Yes. On the episode. Yes, we're recording. This is what we call Walking the Dog. It's more ways than one. Yeah. Oh, well, so nice to meet you.

Yeah. Yeah. On my daily mart. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Lovely to meet you. Wherever you get your podcasts from. Nice to see you.

Come on, Ray. Can I say it? Can we walk up here? Yeah. I think it says a lot about you. I think you can always tell a lot about someone when they're well known. An incident happens where someone kind of almost but not quite recognises them. Whether they genuinely find it hilarious.

And you really do. And I saw earlier when we met. And we're getting back to where we met. When we met in Regents Park at the cafe, there was a woman who was talking to Ray. Yes. And she initially said, oh, can you get the dog away from me? I don't like dogs.

I don't like dogs. And I thought, well, fair enough. And then she looked at you and her little eyes brightened. She said, oh, no, you? She said, I know you, don't I? And then she said, Ross. What was she went, oh, the dancing. Now look, I consider myself.

of song and dance man. I've been in a couple of musicals. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe she's gone, there's a fella that's light on his feet, old twinkle toes. Or she thought you were one of the professionals. She thought it was one of the professionals, or strictly. You know what I think it was? I think in her head she looked at me and she went. is comedian of some description and then I think she racked her brains and I think she thought of Bill Bailey and I think she went oh that's and I think she's gone annoying from somewhere I think that's what it was but I've noticed you tend to cover your hair because that's a very distinctive that's your thing it's part of your

brand mm-hmm it's the Ross Noble brand is the hair Does that help when you cover your hair off? Absolutely, gotcha. If I wear a hat, I basically have, I get that. I know you're going, oh, I know you're going, but if I let my hair float about in the breeze, people see it in the distance. Oh, it makes me sad.

Your hair is such a great feature. I like your hair to be able to sing openly, Ross. Oh no, no, I do. I frequently have it out and about, but I just, you know, some days. Should we record this again? I get my hair out. and then we'll see what the response is.

I'm in that very lucky position where people either know me or they don't know me at all. That's quite rare that. When you moved to Australia, which you moved because Fran, your wife is from Australia and I presume you wanted your kids to, partly that came into it, wasn't it? Wanting them to have that sort of a childhood over there. It's a beautiful place to grow up. And partly because I hate the cold. I just hate the cold.

Is that really what it is? I hate it. Today, it's a beautiful, crisp day, and if I was running now, I'd be loving it, but I just feel it in my, I feel it in my fingers. As wet, wet, wet, in the troughs said, as Reg Presley, so beautifully put it when it comes to art writers. I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. I understand. And everything's all right after the fire. Ross's had an awful, which I'm sure everyone knows about, but you're, Your house basically burnt down. It was horrific.

Yeah. Thank God you guys were all okay. But have you sort of recovered from that in terms of... What, post-traumatic stress? Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't exactly say that the finale of Happy Valley was somewhat triggering. Thanks, Sarah Langer. Setting me back.

I'd be of a slick, isn't it, after I saw that. But apart from that, you know. I'm so glad you're here. And I can't wait to come and see your show. Very much so. And you know what? Also, I... Okay.

Two, please. Here's what I'll say. If this goes out, you know how I was saying before, if this goes out and the tour's finished, you can go on my website, right? Rossnoble.com. For years, that was owned by an industrial metal engraver in Michigan. But that loser went out of business.

Yeah. The decline of the industrial metal engraving was my gain. So yes, if you've got at rosnobber.com, I've got my last show, Humanoid, is downloadable. It is downloadable for £10, 10 British pounds. That's quite a good value. Extraordinary value. I'm going to come and see you, and Ray's loved seeing you,

because he really... has tremendous affection for you and you know what I understand why he's a delightful cartoon character well he's not the only one yeah and do give my love to Indy do you think I'd like Indy oh I think if he was if he was having one of his quieter times you've got to come let's do this come to Australia do this in Australia and do all the Australian celebrities and then we'll do one of these and then you can borrow my dogs

Can I borrow Indy? And is Indy very... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I get rubbish on the lead but Indies... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, borrow Indy and they do it along the beach, there you go. Job's good. Oh, Ray and the Outback. Yeah.

Wait, we're going to go meet Russell Crowe. Ray and the Outback. Oh, do you think you'll get unwell there? You could put him in a Joey's pouch. Ross. We've loved today. Can you say goodbye, please? See you.

Bye. I really hope you enjoyed that episode of Walking the Dog. We'd love it if you subscribed. And do join us next time on Walking the Dog wherever you get your podcasts.