Walking The Dog with Emily Dean - Sarah Millican

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

Emily goes out for a stroll in the park with comic Sarah Millican and her Schnoodle, Commander Tuvok. The pair discuss the power of starting your life over, why it's good to have a little cry, the importance of therapy and Sarah's brilliantly bizarre childhood imaginary dog! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He loves getting in the car, getting his little crate, he goes to sleep. He loves the services. He loves the services. Well, it's just covered in all sorts of wee, isn't it? I mean, probably some of it's like lorry driver way as well. This week, on Walking the Dog, I went out with comic Sarah Milliken and her gorgeous rescue schoodle. That's half schnauzer, half poodle, by the way,

who goes by the genius name of Commander Tuvok. I had such a lovely day out with her in Tuvok, and I can honestly say it's the most fun I've ever had with an extendable lead and a Jordie. Her book, which is called How to Be Champion, I can only say that like Sarah Millikan now, it's weird, is out right now and I think you'll really love it. So do enjoy the podcast,

and please remember to subscribe and rate and review on iTunes because it's really useful to get feedback. And okay, maybe I'm a little needy and insecure. Does that sound okay? Well, they like it. I'm ready to go. Two-volt looks like he's definitely ready to go. Well, there's a pause that hasn't got any wee on it,

so he's going to sort that out. He's on a really fancy extendable lead. Oh yeah, I like the extenders, because we don't take them off the lead, so then he gets a bit of freedom. There he is. But you wish you could put like, well, there are people on extendable leads.

That's what marriage is really, isn't it? Is it? It's an extendable lead. No, no, you pull a far ahead, but I've still got a hold of you. And sometimes the lead is semi-invisible. But then when you give it a yank, yeah, they know it.

I should say, I've been so entertained already by you. I'm here with Sarah Milliken. This is Walking the Dog. I'm Emily Dean and it's a lovely sunny day and we're in a lovely park area. I'm really glad it's sunny because it's often not sunny here. I know, I know. We might have been in, yeah, we might have been in rain coats. And the dog hates the rain. He doesn't like the rain at all. He shakes in an attempt and he sort of rolls over on his back to go look how adorable I am. I don't need to go outside and I explained to him that he's full of we and poo and we have to sort that out. It's such a design flow in a dog that, for a dog to not like

going outside when it has to we and poo outside. That's the one problem I found with dog ownership is this whole incontinence business. I mean, not mine. Oh look, speak of the devil. We've already started, boom. That is early. That is early. Thankfully, they're not huge.

That was Sarah's dog, Tuvok, Commander Tobok. And I'm sorry that you're meeting him so shortly after he's just been to the bathroom. That was an interesting technique he had. Oh, it does, yeah. I thought that's, you know, and you just think, oh, this is what dogs do, this is our first dog? Can I hold a lead while you put up with food? Oh, no, all right, I'm ambidextrous, I'm fine.

You know what I love about two, Wock? He gets it all done at once. Yeah, he's ready to go home now. Is that okay? It's a bit like me. You know, like when you go shopping? Oh, I'm not down to wander around for ages. I just want to get stuff done and then go home. Of course, there's no bins anywhere nearby.

I wonder if we can, let's have a lot. I'm not very... Oh, look, there's an eye. there's an ice cream truck. Oh, come on. It's too early for ice cream. Oh, I've got an IBS though. It's...

Oh. We might need another bag if we... I've got to be... I've got a limited amount of bags. So, talk me through... Oh, IBS. I do want to discuss that with you after. Please do.

That'll be the late night podcast, I do. So, talk me through the commander. Do you call them the commander? Do you call them Tuvok? Tuvok. So he... So he's a rescue. Yeah.

And he was already called Tuvok. Was it? Yeah, you can't change your dog's name. You can change a cat's name because we've got a rescue cat and she'd been abandoned at the vets for a few months. And they didn't know her name. So they called her Tinkerbell. And we already had a cat Chief Brody named after the character in Jaws. So we thought we can't have bloody Tinkerbell.

Sounds so namby-pamby when you've got a police chief who's closed beaches and stuff. So we wanted a kind of military or at least with a, he's having a love. lovely way on that post. We wanted at least something that had a rank so we called her Lieutenant Ripley and cats don't come to their name anyway so it doesn't make any difference but with the dog we had to keep his name but we were really pleased because we've already got two kind of Phil MacNames to have to have it we got an email saying we think we've got a dog for you we think that you might like and where did you get to what from from the dogs trust in Manchester yeah because we just well we wanted a rescue

for sure. Should we head over that way? Shall we? Yeah. I don't really know where I'm going. We wanted a rescue and because my husband is allergic, we wanted a hypoallergenic so we gave them a few breeds. We didn't want a big dog. We wanted an older dog rather than the puppy. Oh no, I don't think that was a wee. I think he's just showing his winky to things now. That's what happens. He runs out of way and he just does go and here's my penis. Sorry, I'm just not used to that kind of behaviour. You seem fine with him. Welcome to the north.

Welcome to comedy. Well, yes, true. So they sent us an email with a photograph of what looked like a medium-sized dog and said, we think he might be good for you, he's called Tuvok. And I walked Gary up and said, because I've got to act early and I walk him up. And I was like, isn't Tuvok from Star Trek? And Gary's a big Star Trek fan. And I think that ain't me a few brownie points with Gary anyway.

I should say, this is your partner. Yes, my husband. Like proper and everything. I'm going to get your partner, David Fernish. Your husband is Gary Delaney. He's a very successful comic and very brilliant comic. Indeed, and two bucks a dad. And so we went to see him and we hadn't realised how tiny he would be when we saw it when we met him because I forgot that the lady that was holding him in the photograph.

Come on this way. Was quite short herself and he had a winter's coat on. So he had like this proper like sort of like a bouncers jacket on. So when he came out, he was like this tiny little runty thing and we were like, well I mean yes he's adorable but where is the other dog? So, and he came out and instantly was just a bundle of energy. And the reason we had to get a dog anyway was because, as Gary pointed out, he said, you're quite needy, so we need a needy pet.

Because neither of the cats will sit on my knee. They're not sitting on knees. Oh, no, please don't rub yourself. Oh, did you just rub yourself in that? What is that? I think that might be poo. Fox is something. Yeah, that looks a bit foxy to me.

Oh, well, you like... They're really attracted to fox feces. I know. He loves, oh, look at him. So Two-Walk is doing, I'm just going to say it's all gone a bit lap dancer what Two-Walk's doing at the moment. I mean people were charged by the hour for that kind of behaviour. That's a weird Laugh-Dolmoolegged club you can do where they rub their head in shit.

I mean I've not been to any, so I can't really judge, but I thought it was much more dancing than that. London's change. No, come on, too-cock. See, I thought it would be barking everything. I thought that's the problem we'd have. but now he's rubbing his face because he doesn't like having fox shit on it and now he's trying to chase some birds

he hasn't quite figured out that he'll never catch a bird because they can fly. They've got an easy escape route than the bird. So that's interesting what Gary says about the needy thing. Because cats are famously much more self-sufficient, aren't they? Yeah, but the first cats I had a long time ago

used to sit on your knee and they were quite happy and these ones just don't and it's fine, they're adorable, they're really lovely, but they won't give me what I need. So the dog is the best cat we've got in that respect. And they're much more... You know when you first meet someone and you're doing your own PR

and you're on your best behaviour? I think dogs are like that with you all the time. I think what I like about having a dog, so many things, but is that he's the first person they talk to, a person. It's a person to me. So when I bummed to me, people they're like oh and they look at the dog first and I really like that I like being secondary and I think that's probably part of being recognisable and not being particularly good at

being recognisable is that I like being the sort of afterthought because the dog is more important as as he absolutely should be because he is my child I think that's so true though Sarah actually I've never thought about that but I'm sure you strike me as quite a private and I don't say shy because of the job that you do I think I am yeah I'm not quite I was never like I don't got to parties and I don't, I've never been great in groups of people. That's why I make sure they're all sitting down and I'm standing up a bit further away from them when I talk to them and they don't get a chance to talk back. It's very important. So your dream scenario socially would just walk into a dinner party, everyone's sitting down? In rows, yeah, I don't

want them round a table because that's too distracting. Some of them will be pointed in the wrong direction. My ideal party is a gig. And do you think you're an introvert? Yeah, I'm I don't know if I always was, but I think I am now, for sure. Yeah, I think so. And I think having him, then also he's a nice, he dilutes things as well. Do you know what I mean? So if you're going somewhere, you're not the main focal point. If you've got a little, especially one that looks like a tiny old man, which he does.

And he's a schnauzer? He's a schnoodle. Snoodle. Which is a schnauzer and a poodle. But also, what I like about that is it's a word that you can't say in fury. So somebody near us has a kind of a scary dog and the scary dog sort of tried to attack Tuvok when we first got him and it was all a bit aggressive and horrible

and the owner said to me what kind of dog is he anyway as if that had any kind of bearing on anything and I realized I couldn't say Shnoodle because I was so annoyed because it's Shnoodle it sounds so lovely especially in my accent so I said he's part Shnauzer because it's obviously sounds German and aggressive that sounds frightening

Or as if you would say, excuse me, he's a schnoodle. It just doesn't sound scary at all. So, but yeah, so he's part, although I didn't notice the other day in the vets. Not the vets, they groomer, sorry, they had a whiteboard with what all the dog breeds were of the ones that they'd had in that day. And I was a bit, you know, because they just had them down as a cross. And I was thinking, excuse me, he's a schludo. Exactly. And then I mentioned it to Gary.

Gary's, maybe it's just a temperament that they list. He's a bit cross. because you can be a little bit. Can you be a bit earthy? And I think he's a superbreed is what he is. Yeah, well, if he was a labradoodle, they wouldn't have put cross. No, exactly.

Well, I'm already quite attached to Valk. I'm wondering if the owners called him that as well, the original owners, because he has got slightly vulcan ears. Do you think that's why? Yeah, and it's often one up and one down as well, which I really like. But yeah, he is a little bit.

He does look a little bit like a Vulcan. And so did you have animals growing up? up Sarah? Yeah we mostly had like children animals you know like budgies and hamsters and rabbits and things like that we did have one dog but not for very long because it was turns out it was inbred and it was incredibly vicious we got it as a puppy and we had it about six weeks oh I know like posh people it went to yeah it went to um it went to some kind of farm in the sky or whatever it was yeah but it was quite upsetting what happened though because I'm you went to I was...

I went to a friend's house for like a sleepover and when I came back, the dog had gone and the ball had gone and the lead had gone. And I think maybe my parents just didn't think I would go, I mean, I'm only eight, but did we have a dog yesterday? But yeah, and it was for the best because it was really vicious

and it used to sort of latch onto your heels with its teeth and just hang on and it was blood and it was awful. But I did also have another dog which was an imaginary dog. Did you have an imaginary dog? I just used to pull a bit of wool around the house. I'm sorry to laugh.

If I don't laugh, I'll cry. What kind of school, Sarah? The wall was pink because the dog was a girl. Come on, get with it. And the dog was called Waffles. And I used to just pull it around the house. And I think I kind of always wanted a dog. I like that you had an imaginary dog.

I like that you had an imaginary dog. but you're like that's too high maintenance I'm just going to have a dog. It feels like a lot of work. Yeah. So I had an imaginary dog. I also had an imaginary library. It's almost like I didn't really have anything real. I just had only imaginary things.

And did you have brothers and sisters? I've got a sister. Yeah. And she's not very animal-y. She likes Tuvok but she's not generally very animaly. Yeah. I'm wondering which is the best way. Should we head over that way?

Should we just go that way? Yeah. I remember I once explained my sister, my, I got some frogs. and I had some frogs in like a tadpoles I guess to start with and then they turned it into frogs they're nice pets tadpoles aren't you I think you really get a lot back from the tadpile when you can't have a dog this is what you have to do I didn't have any imaginary tadpoles that would have been so much I remember when I was young having tadpoles what an impressive pet

but you could see them grow it was really fun I think but my mum had said that I could breed breed frogs which I guess it's mostly their work isn't it you don't do an awful lot of it yourself But I remember telling my sister that I was allowed to breed tadpoles or frogs. And my sister was like, and, because she wasn't really animally and doesn't really understand. So the way I explained it to her was that I said it was the equivalent as if she'd been told you can have all of Lady Diana's clothes. I remember just sticky. And she was like, now I get it.

It was honestly while she was alive, clearly, a long time ago. But yeah, so I had rabbits and hamsters and things and budgies and stuff. And then I had two cats when I got married the first time. Yeah. And then I had a long gap where didn't have any animals because I moved, I moved back into my parents after getting divorced, and then I lived on my own in Manchester for quite a long time for six or seven years. And there was just no chance because there was, I really wanted a cat,

and there was no chance because I was just a way. from home so much gigging. And you started doing comedy. Oh yeah. That was after what I think you referred to once as the regeneration. Yeah. Which I really love that phrase. And I really want to start using it about my own life because I think I have my own regeneration.

I think it's such a lovely way to refer to maybe things not going so well and starting a gig. Yeah, totally. And you just become a slightly different person, like a better version of yourself because you do a bit of work on yourself. And maybe you have some counselling or maybe you know, shag around whatever people do. people have, get on a stage and talk to strangers, which is what I did. Everybody has their different ways of regenerating. So, yeah, so the regeneration. Well, I want to know more first, actually, I want to get on to that,

but I want to talk about your childhood and growing up. Yes. And your dad was, was he an electrician. Yeah, electrical engineer, yeah. Because he hated if you call him a minor, which we sometimes do for jibs. Yeah. But yeah, electrical engineer. Philip.

Yes, indeed. And your mom, and your mom, was she sort of a homemaker? Yeah, she was a hairdresser to begin with. And then because she had polio and couldn't, for a long time when she was a kid, she couldn't stand for very long. So she didn't get to be a hairdresser for very long, sadly. But then, yeah, she had my sister and then me and became a homemaker indeed and a man. And would you describe your childhood?

Was it happy? Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. Like rubbish for it stand up. Like, thanks. You had to create your own... Yeah, I had to get married and divorce. Thanks, mom and dad.

Whenever they leave you to do your own stuff, like my mum, they would always say they'd pay, even when I was working part-time, they'd pay for bras, glasses and shoes because they were like the key things. And then when you work full-time, you had to take that over yourself. And that was when I started to like,

fuck up my feet because I would buy like shoes that were on hangars. You know, do you know what I mean? Like they go to like Dorothy Perkins at a top shop or someone. You get the shoes that are on hangars. Yeah. They're not as good.

good as the shoes my dad is to buy me that you had to get like properly measured for and stuff. I think shoes on hangers is a real benchmark isn't it. So when you graduate from those, you're like, I don't have to buy shoes on nails anymore. I can get the ones in boxes now. The ones where sometimes you just see one of them. I know. And ones in a special. You've got to trust them. Oh, what have you eaten? That's making you cough. Tiny dog. Come on. Oh, there we go. So yeah, and then were you? Again, I remember reading, I think you talked about this, about your dad was he was affected by the minor strike wasn't he so did that mean the sort of belt

tightening your belt and oh yeah yeah we had 11 pound a week to survive on it was obviously not the same as 11 pound now but not much more so I was at like three dinners and stuff at school which I loved I loved it because the school dinner ladies felt sorry for us so we always could cuddles as well so we got seconds because they knew that was our main meal of the day and, you know, not the only meal the day, but they knew there wasn't much money for food. So we always, if there's any left over, they gave it to us. Yeah.

And me and the one other girl in my year whose dad worked down the pit. And we always got cuddles after the dinner ladies, which was great. Because the dental ladies have got the best arms for cuddling. I don't know if you've noticed that. Yeah, they do. I'm trying to cultivate some dinner lady arms myself.

Well, nobody ever shies away from a dinner lady, do they? You always gravitate towards a dinner lady. Yeah, so true. You don't ever say, oh, that dinner lady, She was really cold. No. They always smell a little bit like sort of gravy or custard, ideally both.

Yeah. And they've always got good arms, good cuddling arms. And always three inches of hair growth, which I like. So did you, and so that's nice then. So I get the impression then you didn't feel kind of embarrassed because you had no money or other. Do you know what I mean? No, no.

I think it was probably clearly, it was a lot harder for my parents than it was for us because they were the ones that were sort of must have been kind of panicking in the background quietly while we were sort of having free dinners and getting cuddles after the dinner ladies and it was hard but I think it's it's one of those things that can either break a family apart or bring them together yeah we should go that way because I think that's kind of tense and stuff I don't know what that is so I think it kind of brought us together for sure and I learned the value of money which God it's so vital do you think that's how you learnt it that's interesting yeah of course I think you learn it by having none of it and you learn what

you can manage without and what you can cope with. And so I think you sort of know that if you ever go back down to being sort of pretty much destitute we were then, then you know that you can manage and you can, you know, there's things you can do to, to, on the cheap to survive and stuff. So yeah, I think it just, my parents are very good on the value of money anyway because like at Christmas, they didn't just, we didn't write a letter to Santa and then just have everything we wanted. They used to tell us an amount. So they would send money off to Santa. So we'd write the list of things that we'd like off Santa, but it would only go up to the value of the amount that they told us. So sometimes that could be, you know, 50 quid or 100 quid or whatever.

And it meant that that was whatever. We knew that Mama Dad was sending it. So basically Santa was like a personal shopper rather than he wasn't making the toys. He was just saving me, Mama Dad from the shop. But it meant that, you know, we thanked our parents as well as Santa when we were little because they'd earned the money to buy the presents and I think that's so you were sort of conscious of that yeah well it's much better than sort of saying to kids oh have you been like it's measured on how good you are because if kids are really good but the parents don't have much spare then that's really complicated like less than for a kid I always struggled with that I always struggled with he knows that you've been bad or good yes it's santa well what about your dad's

lost his job exactly and you've been perfectly well behaved it doesn't yeah it doesn't work that way So they were very keen on making sure we need the value of money. I'm very grateful for it. And then I get the sense of your life going in quite a, I mean not the direction it's going in now. Because you worked in civil service, aren't you? Yeah. And you got married and then you had the rederation.

Yeah. I thought I was sort of done. Like when you're married, you're like, well, that's me done then. And then I could concentrate because I really wanted to be a writer. So I could concentrate on the writing because I'd sort of found a bloke, got a flat, got a job. And then obviously it all kind of came crashing down around my ears. Was that a shock when that happened? Yeah, a complete shock.

Total surprise. I like using the word shock rather, because surprise just sound like he burst out of cake, doesn't it? And I love you. This is not how I like cake. So shock is a better word, you're right. Because sometimes people say, was it a surprise? Surprise.

I don't like surprises. There was no party poppers for sure. but yeah and it just and I did have that I think I just hit rock bottom I think everybody does when something like that happens and I think it's looking back it's kind of good for you to have at least one of those in your life because then you value things more and and you it's good to see things from different angles you shouldn't always be looking down on things you should sometimes be looking up and going oh you know it would be nice to be there but I'm not there yet yeah and then I just had to go on stage told them all about my

relationship right there and they laughed and I thought oh and it was that weird thing of like he doesn't love me but 50 random strangers do and it was very much it was very cathartic certainly for the first six months of stand-up it was maybe even longer it was very much um therapy of sorts really yeah completely and did your dad didn't your dad say something at the time which was quite one of those things that only your parents were saying you go dad I can't believe you said that and then it turned into this really key line in your stand-offs. Yeah, it was the first, so when I did my first five minutes spot, nobody laughed for the first two and a half minutes. And then I did a joke about my dad. It was just that he'd said,

I was like sitting on the floor crying in their house because I moved back in with him after getting divorced for two, two and a half years. And he'd said, you're bound to be upset, you've lost everything. And then he paused and then he said, you've got nothing left, as if I was like, I don't understand, dad, explain a bit better. And it was so hilarious, not at the time, it was brutal at the time. But it was so hilarious that I thought, well, I'll try that in my little five-minute spot. And that was the first joke that got a laugh. And I think while other people might have finished that set and gone, oh, I'm never doing that again because it was painful.

I just thought, well, that joke's obviously got to go to the beginning, doesn't it? Because the stuff before it is clearly shit. So that's interesting, Sarah. You always thought like a comic then without realising it in a way. Do you know what you mean in the way that that Nora Ephron, everything is copy? Yes, yes. Well, like Gary had said ages ago about people. That's my partner, David Furnish.

I pointed him footage. So it ages ago about like that my family are all, and my dad, when he tells a story, we'll put the funny bit at the end. Nobody's taught him that. It's just how he is. So that's clearly where I get the kind of storytelling side of it. And I get like the rude and the dark from my, from my ma.

Yeah. She used to say, you're quite coarse on stage. And I'm like, hmm, I know where I get it from, though. And now we're heading back towards the car. Should we go? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not done with you yet. Where should we go?

We could go, or do we just go down there? We've basically done a big square. Where should we go now? We could go past the car park and head off that. Oh yeah, let's do that. Yeah, yeah. So during that time then, did you decide, did you ever have therapy at all? Yeah, of course.

I see, of course. I ask everyone I do this with that. And I know I'm turning into some weird on the psychiatrist's couch, but I'm just fascinated by people that choose to have it and why, because I have it, and I'm quite passionate about it. Well, I really wanted to, come on, darling. come on darling I really wanted to be sort of I wanted to kind of get fixed for want of a better word yeah and I didn't fancy medication and I was clearly a very sort of low ebb

and I really want I thought because I like talking and I like talking things out so I tried counselling and it took me a little while to find the right one sorry yes he's washing line the new sorry because the first one wasn't a good fit and then the second one was better and it was part of the civil service that you get a certain amount of sessions for free. Oh, okay. So I could have them in my... At work.

Yeah. And I was very open about it at work anyway. And they all knew I was like crying in my tea a lot of the time anyway. Isn't that terrible when that happens and you just think, if I can get through the day without crying, is that kind of breakup?

I don't see it like that at all. I think crying is really good for you and really healthy. Yeah. And it took a few people to sort of point that out to me early days because I think I was a little bit like that. Like, oh, I haven't cried for two days. And I think that's, I think if you need to cry, you cry,

because then it's like a release valve, isn't it? You feel much better after that. Yeah. I think it's often the way I cope with things is to have a bloody good cry. Yeah. And then I feel better and able to carry on with whatever it is, be it personal stuff, I work stuff or whatever. But I always feel that it's, I never punish myself.

Like I never think, oh, I cry today. I always think, you know, I always think it's a positive thing. Yeah. It's a way of getting stuff out. I had a counsellor once who said that crying was talking without words I love that isn't great

so you're sort of saying stuff that you can't actually verbalise you're just saying it in a different way Well sometimes you're going I'm just saying Maybe she just means you can't understand me When I'm crying You're talking in a weird

Game of Thrones language That's why The therapy thing Yeah it just helps to talk to someone Doesn't it? Absolutely I think I have a theory that we're all a bit fucked up but those of us who are less fucked up

or those of us who've seen a counsellor. Do you think so? Yeah, completely. And I also think, like, I get my car checked out regularly. Why wouldn't I get my brain checked out every now and again? Yeah, yeah. And it really helped when I was getting divorced because it put me in a position where I sort of knew how to fix myself.

And also I knew that if somebody nice came along, I didn't want to be in, like, a mess. I wanted to be, like, ready and maybe able to have a relationship again. Did you take time out between your last relationship and me and Gary? Did you take time, did you think? Yeah, I think so, yeah. I want to sort of, like you say, just work on myself for a bit. Yeah.

And then I met Gary quite early on in the stand-up. He was at my second ever gig. Yeah. And I was doing the open spot and he was doing the open in 20. And did you like him from the minute you saw him? Yeah. And he was, I mean, he was the funniest person I'd ever seen. And he said, the first words he said to me were you rock, which is nice.

Because I just had a really good gig, guys. So, and it was lovely to, I think it's really nice to be with somebody who has the same job. Yes. Because, like, for example, I'm working tonight, he's working tonight and we're both getting, and try and have some, like, food before we go to bed or whatever. It's just, like, I once said to somebody when we moved in together, that it was really nice to have some way to end our days. Yeah.

And then I thought, I meant, like, no, I meant, like, an episode of Frasier and some toast, you know. But they were like, and I was like, no, not suicide. Just, you know. So it seems like you two have such a nice relationship, though. And you didn't move in together originally, which I really like. And I think that's quite healthy. We were out here. We went together eight years before we moved in together.

And why was that? Well, he'd never lived on his own. I'd never lived on my own. And we both just sort of needed it and wanted it. And I think it was good to have that. And also, I think people think that means you never see you to there, which is not strictly true. I think I've trapped us in a garden.

We could go that way, let's go that way. I thought you were talking about your relationship with Gary for a minute. I trapped him in my garden. Maybe he should trim it a bit more often. That'll be his autobiography, trapped in a garden. Tracked in the garden. But yeah, I think we just both wanted to kind of make sure that it was good. And also, I think, oh, like I was saying, people don't think you see each other very often.

Yeah. And you do, because we're both on the road. So any time he was any way up north, he'd stay with me in Manchester. And he lived in Birmingham at the time. So anyway, if I was in London, I'd go back to Hayes. And, you know, it just made a lot of sense. And we still sew each other a lot. But you still got to have those nights where you just watch, you know, 17 episodes of sex in the city.

And don't have to check with anybody else if it's okay. So it was good to have the nights together and the nights apart, which we still sort of have, because we still sort of have. because we still work away a lot. And so you've got, but now, that's quite nice though, so you had that period and then you moved in together. Yeah. And it's almost like it seems quite a good way around of doing it, I think,

because you know when we've moved in together really soon and then all it is is a series of nasty surprises. Yeah. Whereas that just feels like, well, you sort of do get to know someone pretty well after that period of time. I still think they're on better behaviour when you live together than when you live together. I think the walls do come down a little bit.

So there were still nasties probably too. stronger word not nasty surprises but there were some surprises what just to do with day-to-day living yeah so cleanliness you know that's it you forget that boys don't they don't have it as high on their agenda as women do I think generally yeah yeah but no but it's great because like I don't have to take bins out anymore oh so he does all that yeah it's great he calls it bin management he seems to think it's more of a job than it is I think but also I get to do his washing which sounds not very feminist

but he would regularly leave his clothes in the washing machine for sort of a couple of days and obviously then they'd smell of bins Maybe just like the bins smell. So now I get to make sure that his clothes all smell nice, which is good. That's important And when you and post part of your regeneration obviously as well as meeting Gary was your career Which just took off in a way I expect you couldn't have imagined. I mean yeah, it was quite something really. I mean there's you know I always I like to emphasise the amount of work because I think sometimes people think that you know

it's oh just you're just lucky and you think no the thing that I'm lucky at I think the look comes in to the fact that the thing that I'm good at is something that not everybody is good at like if I was really good at like boiling eggs like if that was my main skill and it was I don't know how

I could monetise that well so that's the look the success I think comes from like being good but just work in your ass off and just you know I don't get invited to things anymore because because so many years I wasn't I was invited and said no because I was working so there is yeah so I think what you mean just stuff as friends you put everything second everything second yeah to work but it's really easy to do that when you love your job it's not like I was working like I didn't do that when I worked in the job centre and shops and things I would clock off and you know

be quite happy to not go back till the next morning but it's not It's really hard to clock off when you love your job. And do you feel that? Do you fill in a way with your job as well? You are kind of always on because everything is material. Oh, no, there's like massive long periods of time when I'm not funny. I'd love it if you decided, right, I'm not going to be funny for six months now. My sister once, we went out for like a day trip once and I was knackered and overworked and all these things.

Just, you know, like I say, it's just hard to clock off when you love it. And she said, don't really, you don't have to be funny at all today. It was such a relief. Oh, thank God, I'm going to be so boring all day. Now, I think the harnessing of material is certainly never turns off. Yeah. So every time, especially when it's getting around to like tour time and you're sort of scribbling. So if I like drop a spoon on the full arm, like, was that funny? Did I do that in a funny way?

Was there something funny about dropping a spoon? Is there anything funny? Do people drop spoons? Is that I think that people do? But I think you just become, oh, let's go this way. You just become kind of sort of obsessive about what might work. And also the audience decide. You know, so you try stuff out on stage and they're the guinea pigs and you do these little new material gigs that I do a lot.

And you try stuff out and the audience tell you which ones are sentences and which ones are actual jokes. Because sometimes you say, oh, you know that thing that we all do when they look at you like, no, none of us do that. Oh, okay, we'll not do that one then. Well, I think you're one of those comics who you announce a tour, which you have just done actually at the time we're recording this podcast, which is going to be, is that, when does that start then? So it's in January. Yeah. Our producers going the cattle grid way. I can tell you, I haven't got your heels on.

He's a bit like that. But yeah, with something like that, you know, you're someone who announces a tour and you don't, do you worry still about it? Yeah, oh my God, yeah, what if nobody comes? Yeah, clearly. Yeah, yeah. The day they went on sale, I just felt sick all day. Because you know that at some point you're going to be less popular.

You know, that it's just a natural progression of things. You know that, and that's the day that you find out, are you still going up? Are you plateauing? Are you going down? If it's a downward incline, is it slow, is it fast? And literally nobody sent you a message saying

they bought a ticket. It's utterly terrifying. Utterly terrifying. But then they're selling well and I can relax a little bit. But basically it's like low level worry until the tour's finished now. Because like this,

I remember on the last tour there were loads of venues were like 70% sold out and 80% sold out and it was ticking along really well. And then you've got someone like Jersey, which I'd never played before. I was on like 5% and I was like, come on Jersey. Why are you taking so long? Yeah, because presumably so you can get back how they're selling in which areas and all that.

Oh yeah, I get a weekly sales report. You know, is that from your dad, that kind of determination? Or is that from your mom? Yeah, I guess from both of them, maybe. Is it? Well, they've both been ill at various times. And I think that's kind of drive to just sort of. or to get on I think probably more than succeed to just it's it's probably from both

of them and I'm just always being like I think the hardest thing in life is to find out what you're good at because I think some people know what it is really early on and they're like tap dancing at four and they're like well this is going to be me and I used to pan-oh no this is telling you too much you know when you see in a newspaper like a local paper and it's got like Like, you know, Denise is nine and it's just won her fourth gold award, the gold medal for tap dancer. And she's got the red lipstick on and the blue eye shadow. And I used to look and think, I'm not, I was like the same age as her.

I'm not, like, I'm comparing with her. I've not done anything. I don't have a single gold medal. I got like, I entered my rabbit into a pet competition and I got a merit for turning up. Like, that was as good as I'd got at that stage. I love me. Panic. But I used to say to me, ma'am, but I haven't started doing anything yet.

I mean, joking aside, are you quite a competitive... Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely, yeah. Are you? Yeah, but I did all the new act competitions in the early days. And some people had said to me, oh, your kind of comedy doesn't work with competitions. I think they thought I was too sort of chatty and not like in one-liners or anything, which is clearly rubbish.

But I came... So I did For New Women and I came second. And then I always think second is the best place to be. Right. Because you're... Well, because if you're first... you sort of feel like done it, nailed it, good at this, best at this. Whereas if you're second, it's like, oh, you were nearly there.

Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep better, keep improving. So I came second in funny women. And then I thought it would probably be good to compete with men as well, because obviously, you know, funny women is just against other women. So I did, I think I did so you think you're funny next. And I came second in that. Oh, was the bridesmaid. And then I won the Amuse Moose, and then I came second in the BBC Newark competition.

So the winning one was nice, but also it was really nice to come second. And the other three, because it showed sort of consistency as well. And that's a really nice, I think the new competitions are really good for showing industry people that you have potential. Because industry people are very busy and sometimes lazy. And if they can come to one show and see the best 12 people that year in the final, they're going to do that rather than traveling around. It can't believe he's doing a third poo. Oh my God, I'm so glad we didn't have that ice cream. I wouldn't have had enough bags left.

Are you showing up because we're doing a podcast? And you're glad that your dog's little as well, yes. So you don't have to pick up massive like human size too. It's not like size of a human, but size of a human tooth. I'm really proud of my dog's poos. Are they big? They're tiny. Oh, that's so nice.

And I'm proud of how petite they are. You know when people have really small feet and they're going, oh, look at these little dainty things. I feel that I'm seven. I feel that about my dog's poos. If I'm in the park and my dog Raymond, who's a shih tzu, and if someone's. he's one of the poos. I sometimes

linger around it a bit so they know it's my dogs. That's one of mine. See, I'm weird because if he does a really big one that they're the ones that I'm proud of. The ones where I think, I could have done that. Good lad. Look at that size of him compared to the size of me. Look at the amount he hates compared to the amount of ines.

I think he's going to do another one. I know he's tearying. That's territorial. Well, there's no way anymore. He's just showing his winkier things. Oh yeah. He thinks he's weighing. He should do it because when we first had to, we had to retrain him to wee outside because he did of ways and poo's in the house and we had to sort of remind him of his training because he did remember it all really quickly but we used to give him a little bit of hot

dog every time he did a way outside and then for a while he would do like four whee's but then he would lift his leg up like 12 times so he could have another eight pieces of hot dog he's not daft so do you think Sarah I've always thought with your comedy and I'm such a huge fan of your work I really am I what I love about you and what I think why I think you're able to kind of pull things often the way that you do is because I think you're so warm and there's you've got such a lovely vibe about you and so it makes it all the more satisfying in a way to watch because sometimes you don't see I think it's a bit like a bee in a rose or something you'll come out with some

zinger and it's like it feels more powerful in a way yeah I think I don't even I think it's because people don't especially when I swear or if I just say something really rude or shocking people don't expect it especially if they see you on the telly because you are obviously they think you're you're like rooting it up for the tour and what you're doing is sanitising it for the telly so I am always rude yeah and then I have to make it nicer for the telly

or less rude or less sweary and I think people are surprised pleasantly surprised when they see when they enjoy a tour show because they've seen me on a panel show or they've seen me on a chat show and you think yeah but that's not my job like they're sort of extra strings to your bow but they're not

I always say stand up as like the trunk of the tree so all these other things allow I'm allowed to do because of stand-up, but you always come back to stand-up. Stand-ups with me and... Have you ever seen a dog dinner before? That was a dance where his genitalia happened to be a feature of it rather than a wee.

That's all the best dancers, isn't it? I don't know how you dance, but I like my genitalia to be on show at all times. He's doing it again. He's such a character. He's a proper little character. So tell me about your book as well, because you're writing a book.

Have you written a book? Have you written? Have you wrote it? the book. I've wrote it in the book. As I believe, you know why I say that? Written, I think. No, I saw James Harris, who I believe it's now called Lauren Harries.

Oh, yeah. Interviewed on an antiques road show when he was James Harries. And I always remember he was being interviewed by Floella Benjamin. Oh, she takes a bad. Who had Paul him internet, is amazing. Yeah. And I remember him saying,

they said, well, James, you're a kind of, you know, child prodigy and intellectual, and I would go on about his IQ. And then bless his heart, he said, yes. And I wrote in a book. Oh, I want to put him. He was nervous. Exactly. So anyway, you have written a book. I have wrote in a book. Yeah. But what I didn't think, I did a thing when I had finished it. I decided to sort of tell my friends, so I sent a few people, people who had really supported me with I was right. Just like close friends.

Yeah. And I sent them a photograph that I taken of me holding up a piece of paper that said, I have finished my book with me doing like a yay face. And one of them replied and said, you realize you've, you put, I have finished buy book. And I was like, no. And I don't think any of those friends are going to buy the book because they think it's going to be as badly spelled as my celebratory note was. But is it, and is it an autobiography? Yeah, so it's an autobiography and it has some self-help tips in it. So I've categorised it rather than doing it like when I was, how to be champion. I love that.

Because I think, I think it's important to know that you don't have to be. effect to everything you can just be good enough and I was always trying so champion as in how to be good how to be good enough how to be all right like within yourself so yeah so I didn't want to do it in terms of starting when I was you know three and working my way up I thought I'll do it so I've done it more in kind of subjects so there's a chapter about wearing glasses and a chapter about school a few chapters about school and a chapter about divorced and chapter about starting stand up and so it's much more kind of it's easy if you go like I want something of a bullion which page do I flick to sometimes you do but each chapter has some little tips on things

that have helped like quite practical tips on things that have helped me uh that might help with the people I just think it's I'm quite I like to fix things with within myself I'm quite practical I like to say you know I'm struggling with this how can I sort this out and and I thought well if I have learned some things then why wouldn't I share them and see if they could help with their people and it's very much a little sort of extra thing on top of a you know it's pretty standard or a biography really and you're quite I think you're quite an open person aren't you like horrifically so like sometimes she should be shut she's open too much does that get you in trouble sometimes nah well not so much that I care yeah maybe it does maybe I don't know I don't think so I think people

people just accept you, don't they? And if they don't accept you, then I'm not really bothered. Also, I think, I don't know. The older I get, I think the happiness is essentially about being as close to the person. Because we all have that person, whether you're in the public eye, or whether you're working in an office or whatever you're doing, there's, you're presenting a front to the world to a degree, aren't you? And when you close the door, the person that you are with Gary, is not necessarily the person

that you're with the man in the... It's always like a polished version of the EU on stage, isn't it? People always think that, you know, at home, Gary and I must just be constantly, like, zinging at each other because we're both comics. And sometimes we are, sometimes it's hilarious. And sometimes we're like empty in the dishwasher quietly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are, I think you have to be a height, probably a heightened version of yourself on stage. So I think I am, everything I see on stage, I do believe.

I don't, you know, everything is true to a degree, even if it's been sort of ramped up a little bit for comedy purposes. Oh, that's a hell of a cough too. But have you seen these little dragonflies? I've seen these dragonflies. the little blue dragonflies. Too, not look. Oh no, what's gone in there that's made you do a little split? So are you quite an ambitious person then?

Less than I was. I think I was and then I got to the level of ambition I was sort of open for. And then you do, I don't have that kind of want to take over the world. I'd like to, my ambition now is to always be improving, I think. I want to always be better. And I think you have to make sure that you have to make sure that, you know, you know, you know, your show is better than the last one. And I always want people to think that they've got their monies worth

and that they're excited to see the next one. And I just, I want to be proud of you've got to, if you've got to do a show like a hundred and odd times, I always want to be, I just always want to be better. I think it's, there's always scope, there's always room for improvement. Yeah. No matter how good anybody is, they can always be better.

And I suppose you're, as a comic, that's what I find interesting about comics, is that because every social situation, even when you go and see a movie, or something, you're approaching it with a comic's brain. Yeah. Which is quite analytical. I mean, I'm not saying you're sitting there watching a movie going,

oh, why did they do that? I could have done that much better. No, but I do, like if a film is rubbish, my husband and I will have commentary on, which means that we're allowed to whisper better jokes at each other. Ways in which we could have improved the script. Or just smart-ass remarks. But then, and most of the time, hopefully it's commentary off

because the film is good enough, But sometimes commentary goes on. And that is handy. That we're both funny for things like that, for sure. It would be hard if you weren't with someone funny. Oh, God. I don't think I could be. Have you ever dated anyone who didn't have a good sense of humour?

No, I don't think so. Not for long enough anyway. Not for very long. I don't, I haven't really got any friends who don't make me laugh. Really? Because I just think, well, you don't want to be the funny one. When you go out to the pub, you want to be laughing as much as you're being funny. I say pub.

I don't go to pub. Café. You don't drink, do you? No, not at all. Why is that? I used to and then it used to affect me quite badly. You know when people do that kind of, they wake up the day and they're sick or they you know crying.

They eat a pot noodle ill-advisedly and then they go, ah well and then they go drinking again the next week or next day or whatever. I just, I lost time like that and I just don't have time. I don't have time to have a night out and lose part of the next day due to being sick. I don't have time and I don't want to waste. It feels like such a waste of time. I had a taxi driver once and he changed my attitude towards drinking because I kind of rarely drink these days.

Was he drunk? He was having a great time swerving all over the road. He said when you drink, what do you gain? You gain nothing. You lose one night and you lose one day. And I remember that. And I thought, yeah, you lose a whole night. And money as well.

Because if you had a nice time, you can't actually remember it. No, that's true. And then the next day you feel terrible. Sometimes, because I'm not very good at relaxing and I wonder if I had a drink if that would be good, but I know that the next day I'll be sick, so I always have that in my mind. So I never, I've had probably the last two alcoholic drinks I had

were both at weddings, because they insist you have champagne when you toast or like carver. You can't toast with juice. They don't like that. I think they think you're being disrespectful. Well, I was going to say, it feels like you're not wishing them well on their journey together. You just haven't like, yeah, like, yeah, like,

Like an elder flower cordial. It's like you're the bitter ex in the corner. Yeah, cheers. With the orange juice. So, so the last twice I drank were both weddings. And it was like an inch of champagne just sort of to do a toast. And look like I mean it, which I obviously did. With fame, again, you strike me as someone who's,

your relationship with fame is you see it as part of your work and that's sort of it. Yeah. Would you say that's true? Yeah, I don't really, I don't like go to premieres and stuff because why would I get all dressed up to be judged by people for what I'm wearing when I could, you know, and travel, because they're always in London and all that sort of thing, when I could just go to like the local Muntlerplex on a Wednesday afternoon in my jeans with, you know, sweets from the newsagent around the corner. And it just feels not very me.

I think, I don't think your personality changes when you become recognisable. Yeah. So... Look, there's another dog, Sarah. I know, and Tuvok's actually behaving quite well. Two-Vox being awesome. I think he's out of breath.

Maybe that's what it is. We can take you back soon, Tuvok. Oh, bless him. Oh, now he's spotted it. Oh, no. See, that one's kicking. Actually, now...

I'm so proud of it. As normally may apologize them to everyone. I'm so sorry, he's rescued. That's what I say. And then they just excuse all behavior because he's rescue. Because nobody knows what he's being

the right one. I mean, that dog is making an absolute show of himself. If they knew this was going to be recorded on the podcast, they'd be so embarrassed right now. And two books, it's like he hasn't even heard them. He doesn't bark at many people. Occasionally when he barks at a person, we think they're probably like a lizard person underneath. Because it's so red that he barks at a person.

He sometimes bocks at joggers, but I think that's because he's so unfamiliar with exercise. He's never seen any of us in those kinds of outfits. Oh, I've got to say, I mean, he had me at hello. I don't know what the dog equivalent is. But you do get that thing with dogs, don't you? I get a real sense of whether I like them or not. Doing this podcast, I meet a few of them. And yeah, he's just got a very good energy around him.

The sweetest thing, he's one of the best decisions I've ever made. And he comes on tour. It's so lovely when he comes on tour, because he loves to get in the car. From what I can gather from friends and stuff, not all dogs are keen travellers, but he loves to get in the car, he gets in his little crate, he goes to sleep.

He loves the services. He loves the service. Well, it's just covered in all sorts of way, isn't it? I mean, probably some of it's like lorry driver way as well. I love that somebody likes a service station, as it's too much. Sometimes when he's been a really good boy and he's had to come, like I had to take him to a photo shoot because I didn't have anybody. It's just like being a single parent sometimes. And I had to take him to a photo shoot.

I had no cover for him. And he was so well behaved. And I took him, oh, he did Cats Countdown. He'd out and Cats just Countdown. And he's been so well behaved. Yeah. So I took him, he was my mascot. So I took him.

don't you day, whatever that is, it's a huge pile of shit. Two lock? No, no. No, that's like Jess Capes has been to the bathroom. Come here. Don't you, oh, you get away on it, that's all right. Oh, he's shown it who's boss. I love that.

The pile of poo, that's bigger than him. But what I do then, if he's been a good boy, I'll take him to, like, services on the way home, even if we don't have to stop for a few or anything. Is that his treat? Going to the services. Bloody loves it. Absolutely loves it. I love that he goes to the services. That's like when people go, we're going to, for your birthday dinner.

and then we're going to go to the Ivy. Two more, wants to go for service station. Yeah, absolutely. So he loves, especially loves to, we and poo beside the picnic tables at Weatherby. Weatherby services on the way up north. And do you find on tour, Sarah, are you quite, do you get, do you sort of miss Gary and do you miss home?

Or you just, you just got into a routine now. I go home as much as possible. Yeah. So if it's, even if it's a decent drive, if I can get home, because I don't go to bed till sort of two. Yeah. So there's no point in being in a hotel, quarter past 10 if I could be in my own bed for two o'clock so we still we do a lot of

travelling because I'd rather get home as much as possible and over I mean it's basically the tour is basically a year so you can't you can't go you can't go away five days a week for a year you go mad yeah but having the dog there does make it less I'm less homesick because he's part of home with me yeah and we'll go for walks at like one in the morning but I have to carry him out of the hotel because if he's on foot he gets so excited that he barks and wakes everybody so I have to have him in my arms And then I'm standing and people walk in the lifting because there's not a dog on the floor, they don't expect to see a dog in your arms and they get the picture.

And they're usually hammered because you're in a hotel late at night. And they're drunk and there was one man. This is awful. I shouldn't even tell you. No, no. Now you have to tell me. In Newcastle. I was walking the dog in this young couple, mid-20s,

were shit-faced and walking past me. And the man went, oh, it's a lovely little dog. Like that. And I was like, thank you. kept walking and then um she said something that clearly annoyed him and he said i'd rather go home with that little dog than with you it's just so offensive and she went like oh my god and then they still she still went home with them so well you know I guess cocks cock's cock isn't it so you know what you can do I don't like to but being

dragged into their relationship documents we just care I heard it very much in the distance so they walked away I do walk him quite we walk him because we he's got a comic's body When we first got him, I'd get up at six in the morning because he needed a wee. And I'd been gone to bed of three or something. I don't know, he'll get up with us. Sort of, I don't know, half, nine, ten. Whatever time we get up, it gets up. And then he'll go for his first walk.

And then he goes for his late night walk at anything between one and three, really. And he barks when he comes out of the house, like, and Gary always thinks he's saying, like, is anybody else up? Like, there's a farm not far from us, and their dogs are out not much after us for their first walk. and he's going for his last walk. But it's lovely. I mean, it's just nice walking around in the pitch dark. You know, the sky is pretty in. Yeah.

Has it really, you were saying it's kind of changed your life a bit getting him? Oh, completely. Really? Yeah, well, it's just, like, especially during tours when I spend a lot of time not working, like working through the day, but not maybe working in the evening. So writing, but not out of the night time. And I would be on the sofa on my own,

while the cats go upstairs and play their tapes like teenagers. and now he's in whichever room I'm in so he's always sitting beside me or on my name. It's a nice bit of company. He's the little companion. Yeah, and then when I go, when I take him on tour, yes, you have your tour support and your tour manager

and you have nice chats and, but then when you go back to your hotel room, you're on your own and then I've got him and he just, you know, go for a walk, you come back in. Do you socialise with other comics? Generally. Yeah. Yeah, most of my friends are comics. Some of my best friends.

Some of my best friends. I'm not an anti-humorist, but most of my best friends are comics. But we should hesitate you back, because I'm a way that you've been ages. Come on. I need to get an ice cream as well. I always get nervous of the park because I think there's just going to be loads of dogs and he hates dogs and I'm just going to be constantly apologising. I did have an idea that this podcast might be me.

You sort of going, so when you were a kid, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And then, rah-w-w-w-h-h-in the background. He's been remarkably well-being. I think he knows it's been recorded. He's such a show-de-his dog. He's turned it on. He's turned it on. He really has.

Because he knows. But we always say, like, the way we treat our pets, because we treat them because we, you know, they're kids, they're our kids. We don't have kids. These are our kids. And Gary always says,

by how we are with our animals, if we ever had kids, they would be fat and in prison. Well, I feel. think the same with me with my dog's my dog's my child because I don't have children but you know what Sarah I think my dog might if I had a child it would basically like little Lord fornolly or whatever like it'd be so spoiled and unpleasant flattened in prison so we just go yeah whatever you want to do poves just did

that do you let too about go on the bed yeah well what he does he sleeps downstairs his choice yeah and then he comes up about half an hour of before I get up and he taps on the side of the bed for permission to get on the bed. We haven't taught him that. And he does a little tap and I wake up and I go, come on, then. And he either little spoons me or he gets in between me and Gary. So he knows to ask for permission before accessing the bed. I mean, that is the dream.

And we never, we never prevented him because we had a dog trainer for a while who said, oh, you should, there should be certain he's not allowed him. We don't do that. I don't want him to. He's not. It's not, like, that's sort of treating them like staff or something, you know what I mean? It's, no, no, he's the bean. Well, I say that she's in Milan or whatever, you know, he's quite strict, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. And Russell Kane, who I interviewed, Russell, what Russell does is, he's like, right, I've read the book, this is how you do it, and he's read it. And he said, you've got to read, and he gave me this book, which was all, and I know, and I, it was too strict for me. Yeah. I don't know if Russell does anything about researching it first, he's so good. He's so good, though, and I'd just be like, oh, no, what is he, he wants to get on the bed? Yeah, just let him on the bed. I know I did.

I did that within like the first few days. But also Russell's got a baby, so maybe it's different when you've got a baby. You know, maybe you have to be more strict. Maybe he knows that it's not his baby because he's got an actual one. Oh, yeah, we don't have an actual one that's on that. So, you know, we could breastfeed or do anything we like. There's nothing in there, but, you know, you can have a gawky once. Is that wrong? Sorry.

I sometimes cradle my dog and I think, are people looking at this and thinking I'm really weird? I hold him in something like a baby. and dance together and Gary always looks and goes, oh, the happy couple. We went to see Celine Dion on the concert that she's on at the minute. Oh, was that good? Yeah, she was great. I mean, you knew she was going to have this amazing voice, you know.

But she sang a song that was apparently, I didn't know it, a Freddie Mercury song called The Love of My Life, and I'm standing with Gary. I had a bunch of friends of this as well. And I looked up at Gary, and he looked at me, and I said, isn't it a shame I didn't bring the dog? Because I could sing this stuff, and he just rolls his eyes, because he knows what I'm like.

But he is. I've dedicated my book to both Gary and the dog. I'm pleased you've written a book though. Did you have people asking you for a long time to do it? I imagine. Yeah. Like my agent would mention that she'd had chats with publishers and she'd sort of put them off because you know what?

She knew when I was ready and when I wasn't. Yeah. And also I just, I knew it needed time. I knew I needed to have a clear idea of what I was going to say. And that didn't come for a while. And I think that's fine. I think I've never pushed myself to do something I didn't feel ready for. I think you only get one go at these things.

If I had written a book five years ago and it was crap, then people don't go, I don't have another go. They just go, yeah, she's not doing any more books. So it's the same as, you know, when people want to get on panel shows and you think, oh, don't go on a panel show too early, because if you're quiet on a panel show, you don't see an awful lot, they won't bring you back in a couple of years when, you know, you just have you done, because by the time a couple of years comes around,

somebody else is the new thing and they'll get the book in instead. So it's always good to make sure that you're ready for things. You seem a very well-adjusted person. Oh, do you think so? Yeah, yeah, massively. I'm glad somebody thinks so. I don't often think so, but bless you for saying. No, you really are.

I know, trust, we've done a lot of therapy. Have you always been quite sunny-natured? Yeah, I'm quite positive. I always think it's not about what happens to you, it's about how you deal with it. So I think some people could have, you know, will have gotten divorced and then just everything falls apart and they don't know how to pick it up again.

And mine was quite an unusual way. I remember telling my counsellor at the time that I was starting to do stuff, and she was like well it's unconventional but whatever works for you and then every now and again I'd say something about my ex-husband or something about the situation and she'd go that might work on stage and she'd like point out things that might be jokes which was really helpful but I think I've always been positive so if something bad happens I always think I think that's why I decided to put the self-help tips in the book yeah I think I'm very sort of proactive I think is probably a good word and I always think well if something

bad happens to you how can how can this you know like I remember being oh my got like 22 or something and I had a lumber puncture because I had had had a headache for a long time and the lumber puncture came back clear and it was fine but instead of thinking god this is hurting I was just thinking well now I could write a play about somebody who's had a lumber puncture I remember distinctly that thought because I was writing plays at the time and so I always try and look at things positively because I just think that makes life so much easier but do you think also that helps if you have quite a kind of stable background in terms of it sounds like your parents were provided you with the necessary tools as well?

Yeah. Or do you believe that, well, you're just born like that? I think it's probably a bit of both. I think if you're born like that, then it's still attributable to your parents, isn't it? Because it's genetic. But also, I think it is in how your, how, maybe what your approach to life is. And maybe that does come from your parents. I don't know. Maybe it's a bit of both. You're very kind of prominent on Twitter and you've got loads and followers. How do you find social media? Do you think it's been a kind of force for good I mean do you how do you use it and approach it do you have a days I wish it was uninvented but then also some days I wish like emails were

uninvented you know I used to have to like write a letter yeah ring a person but then other days I love it it's so it can be so much fun and you can meet people like you would never normally meet and and you know I get to I do like like when I've come off stage and I get messages from people say you know I'd be to see it or it's the best life I've had in ages or you know and sometimes people tell you like utterly personal terrifying things but that you've helped

share them up like they'll say I'm going through a hard time at the moment but I put your DVD in and it always makes me laugh and that's when you feel sort of like valuable because it's not really a valuable job it's a bit of a daft job and then sometimes when somebody says

they've had a shitty year but they can't wait to come and see you you know that makes it's worthwhile but it makes it more worthwhile but it makes it more worthwhile. And you wouldn't get those with that social media. I don't think people would email you that. I think it's a very quick sort of message.

And isn't it? It's the good thing with social media. It's easy. It's easy. And which can mean that people can send you horrible messages really quickly. How do you deal with that if you ever do get horrible ones? I don't get as mean as some people do. I get some stuff about my appearance quite a lot.

Whenever I've done a teleprogram, there'll always be somebody who calls me fat or ugly or whatever. And the hard thing with that is that they sort of tapping into stuff that I already think about myself because I have quite low self-esteem and sort of body image stuff anyway which is pretty well documented in my tour shows.

So that's the hard bit about that. I find it really interesting that whenever I'm criticised it is about my appearance. Well I think it's because people have a different sort of misconception as to what women are for. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

And I think people think people are sometimes disappointed that they don't want to fuck me. And I think, well it wasn't on the table if I'm honest. ever and it's like if I can't just be funny that's not enough and I if people tell me that I don't make them laugh while I think it's odd that they've chosen to tell me because lots of people don't make me laugh I don't send them a message I still don't mind that

because I think because it's when people say you're not funny and I sometimes reply to those and go no no like it's literally my job like I pay my bills this way so you know you're wrong I mean is I'm not funny to you and I remember Chris Addison you know lovely Chris Anderson he once said on on Facebook people are too scared to say something's not their cup of tea. So it's almost like that's not extreme enough. People have to either love you or hate you. They can't just go, not for me, because it's not attacking enough.

Because it's quite an alpha job, what I do. I think sometimes people feel a bit like they need to show me that they can do it too. So like that's when people shout out and try and be funny. It doesn't happen that often. My audiences are generally very supportive, but sometimes somebody will shout out and you think, oh you're giving it a go, bless you know what I mean? It's just going to do you a good 10 years to get where I am, but you know, because that's how long it's sticking me.

But absolutely, if you want to keep trying, there's a guy shouted at a new material gig, and he wasn't being mean, he was just trying to be funny. And I always tick and cross my new material, like I tick it if they laugh and I cross them if they don't. And he tried a joke at me, and nobody laughed because it was, you know, because it's not his job. Like, I'm sure if I went up and, you know,

I don't know, whatever he does, fill the tooth if he's a dentist, you know, I wouldn't be any good at it either. And I just sort of commented that his new material gig wasn't going as well as mine. It's quite aggressive. Because you get a big laugh. Yeah, you have to be. Because it's at no back down, no sorries, no apologies.

You know, you have to be relatively hard-skinned. Because you are going out. It's when you think about it in a kind of sort of base level, I am saying to people, oh, you must buy a ticket because I'm so funny. You have to pay it and hear me talk, which is really weird. Isn't I making them a table? You know what I mean? I'm not like performing an operation.

I am just saying, you know, that thing that you do in the pub with your friends, I can do that in a theatre. It's just such an odd job. Do you get nervous? Yeah, always. Do you? Yeah, it's healthy. Is it?

Yeah, I would worry if I didn't get nervous, I think. Because if you're nervous, it means you care. It means you want it to go well. And Seymour Mace, you know, do you know lovely Seymour Maze? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, I love him. He said to me once, don't think of it as nerves, think of his excitement, because it's the same biological thing that's happening to you,

but it's just more. positive approach I suppose but yeah you have to be nervous until the first couple of jokes are out in their own side and it's fine so yeah so you don't really get you get nervous but in a kind of excited way and you know you were talking about the book as well and advice and yeah what sort of talking to younger people you know it's always that thing isn't it that looking back I always think I wish I could tell myself so many things I wish I could say you're great and you look great and some worrying about everything you know the usual stuff that you think like I I wish I could tell myself that I would like find my tribe because I hate the word tribe.

But you know what I mean? Because I think at school I was very, a lot of my own and had a couple of friends but not many. And I seemed to not really fit in. And then you go, oh, when you find comics, like green rooms and on stage, probably green rooms because you're amongst your own as opposed to on stage where you're the one is where I realized, oh, I can be utterly myself here. I'm not a version of myself. I am utterly myself backstage with other comics and that's probably why most of my friends are comics.

You can hear the diesel engine in the background. You know what that means, Sarah Milligan? It's safe to have one now because they're going home now. Can we get an ice cream? Yeah, totally. And two box running for the ice cream. He's not allowed, he's allergic to milk. I know, but I like that because it's like the dog running for the pub. He knows that's where we want to go. I'd love talking to you, sir.

Oh, and you. Thank you so much. about your book and your tour and I think everyone should buy your book and it's called How to Be Champion by Sarah Milliken. And can they pre-order it on Amazon? They kind of said, yeah, I'm not a pre-order. Are you a pre-orderer? I'm not a pre-orderer.

I do pre-order. I worry that I might be dead. That's all for this week. I really hope you enjoyed it and I'll leave you with this doggy thought which is, remember to feel sorry for people who don't have dogs.

Imagine having to pick up food that you drop on the floor.