Was I In A Cult? - Ballet 58: “Pray, then plié!”

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

SHOWNOTES:  "A ballet cult?” We asked the same thing. But today’s brave guest, Summer Smith, shares what happens when the world of pliés and pirouettes meets dogmatic devotion. Raised in a strict religious family and molded by the intense world of competitive ballet, Summer's journey takes a surprising twist when she joins Ballet 58, a seemingly innocuous Christian ballet company in Chicago. Soon devotions blend with dance routines, and artistic discipline intertwines with cult-like control. As Summer navigates the thin line between dedication and manipulation, you'll be left questioning just how far the influence of a charismatic leader can reach.  LINKS: Follow Us: Instagram/Tik Tok: @wasiinacult Support Us: https://www.patreon.com/wasiinacult Have a story to share on our show? Email Us: [e-mail] Find Summer and all the ex Ballet 58’ers sub Reddit:  https://www.reddit.com/r/ex58/ Watch In The Balance: https://vimeo.com/535912792/7551d1ed90

The views, information, or opinions expressed by the guest appearing in this episode solely belong to the guest and do not represent or reflect the views or positions of the hosts, the show, podcast one, this network, or any of their respective affiliates. So we would get to the studio around nine. Culturally, Ballet is so far from Christianity, but the norm at Ballet 5-8 was devotions. And then we would have ballet class morning Bible study, Liz. It's devoting your heart to God I in a Cult? Were you?

We've covered that. I'm Tyler Mison. I'm Liz Ayakuzzi. You know, and on this show we give those who are in cults and cultic environments a chance to share their wonderful story and to take their power back. And we try to cover a range of cults on this show. Sure, we've covered Christian cults, sex cults, MLMs, self-help cults, acting class cults, political cults, taco cults. That's not really a

cult but if it were I would fully baptize. I'd be... I love tacos. Tacos have really come of age, haven't they? They have. They used to be just like meat and cheese. Now you can get pear, gorgonzola tacos. Right. Chard cauliflower tacos.

A jackfruit taco. I am kidding hungry, Liz. It is truly a great time to be alive. Or to be a taco maker. Anyway, we profile the array of cults to show that cults can be anything and well anywhere. Yeah. So when today's guest reached out and said, I was in a tun-dun ballet cult, even we were surprised. Although we shouldn't have been that surprised not really no. So how does one get involved in a quote-unquote ballet cult? They pirouette and potter beret right into that motherbugger. Very nice how

how about we let her... Let's let our awesome guest tell it all. So, I'm summer sniffing. Take out your life. Crucify me. Don't spare my life. Crucify. So, I'm Summer Sniff. I grew up in a family of eight in South Jersey. My dad is very funny. He is a genuine person who loves and wants to be loved. It's really hard to describe my mom.

I believe that there are some mental health disorders there that are undiagnosed, and so there's a lot about my mom that I don't really fully understand. My mom grew up in the United Methodist Church, and her parents were a lot less strict on her than she was on her kids. Like she went to like music festivals and like went surfing and stuff. So when my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother, she was pretty old. She was like in her 40s, and there was a ton of complications and she died for a couple minutes.

Like she was in a coma. They brought her back and then she saw Jesus when she was out. I just remember her saying that, but that was a really huge experience. When I was three, my mom had a baby. This baby died when she was only a few months old. I feel like this experience made my mom start to look for this perfect church. So we ended up at this Orthodox Presbyterian church,

which is a small denomination of like 200 churches. I believe things started to get a little bit more strict. Yeah, so this church was really like exclusive, not in that it wouldn't allow members in, but in that it would say that other churches were not true believers. And this made me like really worried about like my friends and my family members. Yeah, slightly culty, yes, but not the cult were focused on today. So like I was really into studying the cult were focused on today. So like I was really into studying theology so that I could find either like loopholes

in it to like try to have a life that I felt like I deserved or to like try to save my friends and family. Even though she had few friends, mainly because. My mom really wanted me and my siblings to just be friends with each other. And I was really different from my siblings in that I wanted a lot of friends and I wanted to be like out going to sleepovers and like getting my ears pierced and like getting a cool haircut and stuff, but like I wasn't allowed. I had a lot of doubts. Like I didn't feel like I could talk about them with family members and I started to feel like that constant voice

in my head telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and it became a lot more negative because I don't feel like I had a lot of safe outlets where I could be like really expressing my thoughts and feelings and processing them. I felt very isolated, just me and myself and my little voice in my head. So she needed an outlet. My mom danced as a child, which, you know, made her want to put her kids into dance because she wasn't really allowed to continue her artistic pursuits into college. Her parents were like more practical and wanted her to like get a degree that would make her money.

When I was five I got put into lessons and then same thing for my younger sister. It was a really intense studio in a unhealthy way. We would get y'alled out a lot as children. We had really strict dress codes. We had weekly way-ins at this studio. If I wanted to dance I had to stay at this really strict, intense, like horrible environment. And it was like the only way for me to make friends really because there were no kids at my church. So it was a social thing to me until I was like 14. Still not the cult in me until I was like 14.

Still not the cult in today's episode. No, but ugh, the strictness at some of these studios is brutal. You know, the weekly way ands we had that when I was growing up in gymnastics too. And like what they would say to you if you don't reach your target weight that week. It's abusive. It's abusive. Yeah. And the intensity of this particular studio, it brought Summer to the Brink. I had wanted to quit dance, but like I wasn't allowed. And then when I was 15, I got into American Ballet Theater, like one of the two big ballet companies in New York City. It was like this awesome environment, like we were having amazing teachers. The American Ballet Theater is one of the most prestigious classic ballet companies in the world,

founded in 1933 by Lucia Chase and Richard Pleasant. That probably should have been my line, Liz. I mean you make a good Tyler. That's pretty good. But all right, you know what? What? You think it's so easy to be a Tyler? Let's switch. Rest of the episode? I'll be Tyler. You can take can't the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the most the the th. th. You can the most th. You can the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most the the th. th. th. th. th it's so easy to be a Tyler? I do. Let's switch. The rest of the episode? I'll be Tyler. You can take my lines and I'll be you. You can be the fun one. And you can be the fact one. All right, here we go. The American Ballet Theater performs regularly at the Metropolitan Opera, located the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Metropolitan Opera the Metropolitan Opera the Metropolitan Opera the Metropolitan Opera the Metropolitan Opera the city the city Liz. You'll have some time to work on it. It's pretty good. Put in like a Westside joke, Tyler, like, also known as...

Also known as a fart. I don't know. You're terrible Liz, by the way. I'm a terrible Liz. You're right. There's only one Liz, and it's not me. Anyone can do Tyler's stupid lines. I feel like I had the chance to like fall in love with ballet. I fell in love with the ritual of it. Like waking up and putting on a leotard and tights and drinking my coffee and walking to the studio. There's something so calming about focusing on a specific muscle and getting that specific muscle to do a specific task and then accomplishing that over and over again. And like once you get the muscle memory the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the muscle the muscle the muscle the muscle the muscle the muscle the muscle the muscle the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual. I the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual with the ritual with with the ritual with with the ritual with with with with the ritual with with with with with with the ritual with with with the ritual with with the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the ritual the specific muscle to do a specific task,

and then accomplishing that over and over again. And like once you get the muscle memory, you just do it. It's incredible. And then eventually I ended up attending the rock school in Philadelphia full-time for the rest of high school. We pretty much did ballet all day every day, but it was really, really great. The Rock School for Dance Education, commonly known as the the thock th premier classic ballet training institutions in the United States. You just can't contain yourself. I know, I just want to, I just want to do it.

Can I just give me a little? Just give me a little. Founded in 1963 by Pennsylvania ballet dancers and educators, Ellen and Phyllis Wummer, the rock school's mission is to provide the highest quality dance education to talented and motivated students, preparing them for professional careers and dance. That felt good. That felt really good. Thanks for letting me do that. You can do the rest.

Can you just let me be Tyler for once? I will restrain myself. Please. Let me the th me th me th me th me th th the th th th th th th th th th me th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th. the the the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I, I the, I the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to, toge, toge, toge, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, just you just let me be tiler for once I will restrain myself please let me be the man and step all I don't need I don't I don't I don't I can restrain Tyler yes ma'am I remember my mom saying don't eat too much like you need to be in good enough shape when you graduate this school so she kind of like started encouraging my eating habits and controlling them whatever way she could which isn't foreign to the dance world. Once she graduated the rock school? I was pretty good, but I was not strong enough for a company.

So I ended up applying for a couple colleges. And then the only dance program I applied for was at University of the Arts in Philadelphia. So I went to art school, yeah. For those listening that don't understand this world, the aim for a ballet dancer is to eventually join a professional company, one where you can work your way up from apprentice to the ultimate goal of principal dancer. I do feel like I missed my calling. Try touch your toes. Can I lift my feet? I can tou toue. Let me see. Look, look how I'm nimble I am.

Ease. I said toes not knees. He actually could tous toes, guys. Is that sharp pain, normal? Generation X. So at that time, I started to obsess over trying to get into a company. And I had this idea where I was like, okay, maybe I'll leave college at the end of freshman year and go join a company. So I developed a really intense eating disorder, freshman year of college, and

like I felt like my body wasn't the right shape. Like my thighs were too thick. As a kid, my mom had put me on the cabbage soup diet, or she would like discourage me from getting ice cream when we went to the boardwalk. So I also kind of felt like my mom was going to be happy if I had an eating disorder. Sadly and perhaps unsurprisingly eating disorders are a serious problem in the world of dance. And specifically in the ballet world. In fact in a study that... Okay fine take it. In fact dancers have three times higher rate of suffering from eating disorders and the overall prevalence of eating

disorders among all dancers is 12% but it's 16.4% for ballet dancers. A study found that more than 52% of dancers with eating disorders reported a lifetime history of injury. Which is what happened to summer at the end of her sophomore year. I tore my labrum, which is a ring of cartilage that covers your femur head inside your hip socket. So I couldn't dance for about a whole year. So as a dancer, when you can't dance, you feel like you have lost your identity. And I didn't know who I was anymore. I really started to feel like my life was like outside my control.

I had grown up in this really intense church. I had been homeschooled according to those ideals that were outlined by the church. I had gone to this really intense studio and then trained full-time at ballet school. But she was also a new young adult wanting to try things that her peers were into. I also was already carrying all of this anxiety and shame and guilt because I was like leading a double life. You know like drinking, like trying to smoke pot, just doing stuff that I knew I wasn't really supposed to be doing as a Christian. I was doing the things that I wanted to to do while I was at school and then th th th th th th th th then th then th then th then th then I th then I th then I would th then I would th then I would the the thin I would the thin I would thin I would thin I would thin I would thin. thin. thin. I would thin. thi. I would thi. I would thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was th. I was th. I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was te. I was teeean. I was teean. I was tean. I was tean. I was teean. I was tea. I was try. I was things that I wanted to do while I was at school and then I would go home and I would go to

church and act the way I was supposed to act. And soon all of this started to affect Summer's mental health. I told my mom that I felt like my life like wasn't mine. I felt like my head was like floating over top of me. And when I told my mom she was like, oh you're probably fine, like you're probably just worried about your hip. So I felt like I was crazy. I made it to senior year. My hip was kind of less painful, but it wasn't really strong, but it was time to audition for companies. And I would go to auditions like every weekend and like trying to figure out what I wanted to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th wasn't thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like every weekend and like trying to figure out what I wanted as like a Christian or like not a Christian or whatever I was and I ended up going to spend a week in Chicago. Yeah, shy town baby. So

that was March of 2014. It was Googling dance companies like crazy. I just needed to find a job. I googled Chicago dance companies. And I saw that it was like a Christian organization. So I auditioned for Ballet 5-8. Okay, listeners, raise your hand if you have a cat. Figured we have a cat audience. Yeah, and if you know anything about cats. They purr, they paw, and they poop. And you as the owner must scoop the poop.

But today, guys, never scoop poop again! With the litter robot's self-cleaning technology automatically cleans after every use. With the litter robot. Litter robot's self-cleaning technology automatically cleans after every use so your cats will always have a fresh bed of litter to do their business in. Yeah and get this, Litter Robot will actually send you a notification to your phone when it needs to be emptied. It even gives you data and insights to stay on top of your cat's health. Guys we truly live in the future. Yeah so look my family we have a black and white tux tux tux tux tuce tux tuce tu white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white to tux to to to tuce to tuce tuce tuck and white tc. tc. to theat c. their to to to their c. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be their their their their the. their thee. thee. thee. thea. the thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the the the. t of your cat's health. Guys, we truly live in the future.

Yeah, so look, my family, we have a black and white tuxedo cat. His name is Buzzy, and he's a puffy tail, little goofball, who likes to jump on my desk and interrupt me while I'm working. Weird, that's how you describe me too. Yeah, and we got a little robot, and this has completely to to to to to the to thapapapapapapapapapapapapap a little thi thi thi thi completely changed our lives. I mean, I hated scooping cat poop. Ugh, I can imagine. I mean, I think that's why people probably don't get cats in the first place, just to avoid the scooping of the poop.

But guys, our litter robot, it's magic. Like if someone were to present you each morning with your espresso automatically upon waking type of magic. And guys, it looks pretty cool. Yeah, it's like a spaceship for cats. To poopin'. And the house doesn't smell like a litter box. Oh, that's the best part. I hate that smell. It's so gross. And you never have to scoop poop again!

But if you do have a cat. And we know you do, because your hand is still up, Maxine. Put it down. Go get yourself a litter robot, seriously. And never scoop poop again! Guys, as a special offer to just our listeners of the show, go to Stop Scooping. to co-coop, enter promo code cult to save an extra $50 on any litter robot bundle. That's an extra 50 bucks on any litter robot bundle at stop scooping.com slash cult and enter promo code cult and enter promo code cult. Could somebody please take the

the reverb button away from Liz? Never! Never! Let me ask you a question. You have a best friend? How big would it shock you if somebody told you that your best friend just killed somebody. Not a long wish, emergency. But someone on every line said they're kidnapped my son and they're demanding $500,000. On September 12th, 1995, 12-year-old McKay Everett disappeared from his home in Conro, Texas. It was a crime that shocked the community because the suspect was so unlikely, so unexpected.

Former high-ranking police official, he'd run for sheriff at one point. The law enforcement personnel were pretty much split down the middle over whether or not he actually did this. And to this day, McKay's mother Paulette still feels that justice was never truly served. I've asked myself so many times what in the world happened. Ransom is available now. Listen at Ransom Podcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts. And we have finally entered the cult of today's episode. So at my audition, I had to share my testimony, which was weird because like I feel like at this time I wasn, which was weird, because like, I feel like

at this time I wasn't really a Christian as a senior in college, so I don't really feel like I had a testimony to share. So I told the best story I could. But I felt like I had an edge because I had a Christian background and I was like, I might as well use this to my advantage. And it worked. Summer was accepted into Ballet 5-8. Which, yes, has a strange name. It is based on Romans 5-8.

God demonstrates his own love for us and this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. It used to be painted on the wall when you like walked in the studio. Yeah, not subtle at all. When I joined the company, it was very obviously a faith-based missionary type organization. So like I was going to go be a missionary through ballet I guess. So I joined as a trainee and I feel like the reason I was offered a trainee contract instead of an apprenticeship was because they could tell I wasn't fully a Christian. And that seemed like a red flag to me. The trainee is an entry-level

position in the company before apprentice. But the biggest thing was this was when my little sister was graduating high school and my little sister was really good. So my little sister got into the Joffrey Studio Company, which was like a huge opportunity. The Joffry studio company is the second to the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tra tra tra tra tra-fea-freau.ea tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra the the sister got into the Jaffrey Studio Company, which was like a huge opportunity. The Jaffrey Studio Company is the second company of the Jaffrey Ballet, which is one of the most renowned ballet companies in the United States. And also located in Chitown, baby, my hometown.

That's how you would say it, huh? I think you could do better. I didn't sell it. Well, Chaitown, baby. We have to make him do the radio station birthday song. Woo! Nope. Nope. Here we go. Who's this on the birthday line? Did that already? You know, Chicago's actually, it was the most listened to city for our show. But a couple weeks ago, it got surpassed. Seattle's now number one. And then?

Denver, the Mile High City. Come on, Chicago. Come on, Windy City. Let's get those 3P championships back. Oh, that's so hard for me to say. You did good. So my mom was like, great. You and your sister can move together to Chicago. And I was 23 years old and kind of a hot mess.

And so I was like, well, okay, I guess. So we moved to the Chicago area in the fall. I actually lived in Oak Park the entire time. I was in Chicago just because I loved it so much Okay, you'd never guess and this is me talking Tyler you'd never guess but I actually really love ballet dancing You're right. We would never guess that no I respect ballet dancers when I watch ballet dancers I can see that person decided not to go out one night Instead went to bed early because they wanted to dance the next morning and it's encompassed in every movement they make they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their th their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their tole tole tole tole tole tole tole tole ttole tttole ttole tttole. tell tell bed early because they wanted to dance the next morning.

And it's encompassed in every movement they make. They're obsessed and they're called Bunheads. In 2020, I directed a documentary in which I embedded with a ballet company in Salt Lake, ballet west. And for a month, in the midst of COVID, I followed the dancers, the staff, the choreographers and the crew as they put together the first ballet show performed during COVID. And what I saw was obsessed individuals dedicated to their craft, but I also saw beauty and art and creation and magic within a group of people working really hard for something. Yeah. By the way, the film's called in the balance. and magic within a group of people working really hard for something.

Yeah. By the way, the film's called In the Balance, ballet for a lost year, and it's on YouTube, and it's actually quite amazing. It's quite beautiful. We'll link it in the show notes. Thanks, Liz. But what I also learned is they do this for very little pay. Usually when you get into a big company and that's like a state-funded company such as American Ballet Theater, you probably have enough money in income from the company to not work anywhere else.

But mid-to small-sized companies you usually need another job. I ended up getting a barista job near my apartment too. So yeah, that's how I paid my way through the trainee portion of their program. Like many cults, this one came with a rulebook filled with dues but mostly don'ts. A handbook is like a contract but like 50 pages long. A clause in the contract read that we weren't supposed to talk about ballet 5-8 in a way that put it in a negative light. The contracts also said stuff about drinking. We couldn't

smoke. You can't drink but you can dance. This is true as the Bible Tyler does have references to dancing, including Psalms. Psalms, is it Psalms? It's Psalms. Psalms book, verse 149, Okay, shalms, including Psalms, chapter 149, verse 3, which says, and I quote, Let them praise his name with dancing.

Very nice. Thank you. But I prefer Ren's line from footloose, Kevin Bacon when he stands up in front of the group and he says, Ecclesiastics assures us that it is a time for every purpose. Under heaven. A time to laugh, and a time to weep.

A time to mourn, and there is a time to dance. There was a rule that you had to find a church like pretty much immediately upon joining the company. So I ended up going to a church that is Orthodox Presbyterian, my parents' denomination. And how exactly did they work spiritual doctrine into the company? We would get to the studio around nine, so we would get up and do devotions in the studio for a half hour. Morning Bible study. It's devoting your heart

to God first thing in the morning. What do you mean? Culturally, ballet is so far from Christianity. But the norm at Ballet 5-8 was devotions, then ballet class. The next year, instead of having morning devotions, we started having lunch break Bible study. So we were trapped indoors in the studio from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. without leaving. There's this weird thing at Ballet 58 where like the artistic leaders were also the spiritual leaders. And the main leader was a woman named Juliana. So Juliana would like lead devotions or Bible study. And then the ballet mistress, she would also sometimes lead devotions or Bible study and then the ballet

mistress she would also sometimes lead devotions or Bible study like they would take turns. Ballet mistresses as I understand them serve as the liaison between the dancers and the director of the company. And to serve them how? Is that your sexual inn? That's my Liz? That's good. When you have Bible study and devotions when you're with your coworkers and with your artistic director shit's gonna happen. You're gonna be telling your boss what's going on in your personal life. So I would see Juliana start to use information that she learned about people through devotions or Bible study and bring it up in rehearsal in a way that makes it seem like your

sins are the reason you're dancing poorly and that is your fault. So Juliana Slager, she didn't really do a lot of professional dance. In fact, she didn't do any professional dance. She was a trainee for ballet Magnificotot for one year. Ballet Magnificat was the first well-known Christian dance company to exist in America. And so, Juliana spent one year there as a trainee, and then I believe she left the program. Juliana had been living in Chicago with her husband, who had gone to Moody Bible College, and he got a youth pastor position on the south side of Chicago, and she had met a colleague who offered the studio to her because she couldn't do it anymore, and that's when she

created Ballet 58. I guess the end goal for her in starting ballet 5a was to be a globally recognized ballet company with a Christian mission so that she could be influencing as many people as possible to be questioning their own life choices in a way that made them question their morality and humanity. Juliana has a lot of energy. She wants to be like the most creative, brightest in the room. I think she shares a lot of personality traits with my mom. One of those being a narcissistic personality trait.

Her reality is the only one that really exists, and that's the one that she needs everybody in her environment to operate within. But she would like hyperfixate so much on something that she needed to control it. Like she would create like a dress code, which normally company dancers in dance companies don't follow a dress code because they're professional dancers at that point and they can wear whatever the fuck they want. She was directing our eating habits and talking about how to to to to their their their their their the fuck they want. She was directing our eating habits and like talking about how to take care of our bodies as dancers and she sent this book called the Diet Book for Dancers to us as a resource.

This book is highly outdated and it was one of the books my mom had recommended to me as a child and it recommends like a thousand calorie diet which if you're an athlete there's thou-tou-you should be consuming a th thous thous thous thous thous thous thou-a thou-a thou-a to be thou. to be thou. to be to be thou. thou. thou. to be th. tho-a to th. to to to to to th. to to to to tho-a to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their th. their the. the. their te. their thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. the. the. thousand calorie diet, which if you're an athlete, there's no way you should be consuming a thousand calories, especially if you're still 16. On average, women need about 1,600 to 2,400 calories each day, and men need 2,000 to 3,000. Which can be accomplished in one fell swoop if you order the cheese-curred bacon burger from Buffalo Wild Wings, which can set you back a solid 1,950 calories.

Set you back in more ways than just calories. And you will spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Was that this? Getting rid of your curds. See, that's where you can't go that far. Dancers, of course, need to consume many more calories than the average human. Yeah, but typically they don't. See, according to a study, a... Huh? Huh?

According to a study, 57% of female dancers and 29% of male dancers do not meet their energy needs. She was sneaky at controlling us, and she would delegate to do so. And like, when you got asked to do something by Juliana, you felt kind of special because you were trusted by her. And being let in, it felt like you were closer to God because you were closer to the top of this organization that was like a mission directly given to us by God. So as the indoctrination started to set in, summer started to move up. Around January, I was quickly promoted because one of the company

members' dating habits was becoming a concern to everyone. Basically, like, they were concerned that this other dancer was like having premarital sex or something to that extent, and I got promoted to an apprentice and then I had to quickly learn all of her parts in all the different ballets and rise up through the ranks. So I was like love-bombed like crazy because I was able to learn the choreography really fast and be ready for those spring shows that came up quickly. Typical ballet shows often include traditional crowd pleasers

like Sleeping Beauty, the Nutcracker, or Don Quixote. But Ballet 5-8 was not your typical ballet company. What's the breathiness? That's you. I do every line of breath? Not all of them, but most of them have it just like... We would do books of the ballet like we did the book of Daniel. We did Carpenter's Son, which is the story of Jesus' birth or whatever. And we would also do like Bible adjacent stories, like CS Lois books that we would adapt for ballets or we did when where we were supposed to be like neurons in the brain and it was basically

like admiring like how amazing God is for creating the brain. So not Swan Lake. We were doing a ballet adaptation of the story of Job and Juliana recorded her own voice as the voice of God and then distorted it with her computer. And I was just like, are you fucking kidding me? Okay, are you ready, Liz? Let's cue the voice of God distortion, Rob. This is from the book of Ayacuzzi, Chapter 10, verse 15. When thou art in an exercise class, to only take selfies of thyself and not work out, thou shalt not deserve happiness in my life.

Let's sayest the law. So the trainees were always cast as slaves. They wore like white tunic things and like gold tattoos and big earrings and they had to play slaves and Juliana would literally call them slave. That's just like an example of how mistreated the trainees were in this organization. They were by and far the most mistreated people throughout this company. But the mistreatment didn't stop there. It extended into the financial elements.

So throughout my years there, I had noticed some sketchy payment practices. The dancers didn't typically rehearse over the summer, and they would teach at the summer intensive instead. A couple days into the summer, we were told that that that that that that that th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. their, their, their, their, their, their, but their, but their, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but their, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the mistreat, the mistreat, the mistreat, the mistreat, the m. But, the m. But, the m. But, the m. But, the m. But, the m. But, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they. their, they. their, they. the mishe. the mishe. the mishe. the mishe. the mishe. the mishe. the mishe. their, didn't. they would teach at the summer intensive instead. A couple days into the summer, we were told that they were just going to be paying everybody their rehearsal stipends, and they were so sorry for the misunderstanding. What the fuck? You're not paying my friends to teach? You're expecting them to live off $150 a week? Yes, that is the most I ever got paid at Ballet 5-8 and considered a stipend.

That's hella shady. Especially considering that stipends are not considered compensation, but instead should be used to cover expenditures incurred during travel or living expenses. And since stipends aren't considered wages, a company can severt paying Medicare or Social Security for the dancer. Ah, total shady bookkeeping from God's Ballet's accountant. Uh-huh. Toss of your hair. Uh-huh.

So this goes into those financial practices that I think are questionable. Like, people prioritize the wrong things a lot of times in Christianity because they're so focused on creating Christians or like pulling people towards the mission that they might make irresponsible financial choices and then have to cover their tracks after. But the financial abuse didn't end with stipends. And when we went on tour, we would have to take off work because we were going to be gone. I remember some months we would be gone like every other weekend. So like a lot of times Juliana would try to maximize the amount of performances we could do by traveling overnight.

And so we would rent a 15-passenger van and then get no sleep and then have to dance the next day and then not get paid anything extra for having work to the to to to to to the to the to to the to the to the to the to the to the the to the to the th.. the the the the the the. And the. And the. And tho their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the have to dance the next day and then not get paid anything extra for having worked all weekend. During touring seasons, Juliana would have wildly erratic behavior that you couldn't predict. She did things like threatened to remove dancers from roles. She got mad at dancers for stopping for coffee on the way to the theater on more than one occasion, which is hilarious because we were all exhausted and

needed coffee. She would like make people who were injured dance anyway or she would like question what people's doctors said about their injuries. Juliana would always act like the stakes for our performances were super high because that was like our gift from God. But my first tour, we showed up at this theater that was like really dirty and like we had to clean the theater first and then we could perform and then there were 10 people in the audience. And like another time we like drove fucking 20 hours to Texas in a 15 passenger van and then we were performing in a school gym for 10 to 20

people. But like, what if one of those people in that small audience had something woken up in them by the performance and wanted to go to Christ? And yeah, sometimes the audiences would be Christians already, which was weird because if we go perform at a church, like it's going to be church and then who are we evangelizing to? But then it would be like, oh, the, the, the, the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, the the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, thr, thi, thee, thee, thee, thee, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is to, is, is, is, is, is toe.e.e. toe. toe. toe. t. t. we evangelizing to? But then it would be like, oh, we're feeding the flock. On tour, we were like, expected not to complain. Like, we had to act like these wonderful guests because we were being invited to these areas a lot of times by churches and hosts.

And so we wanted to act like gracious receivers of this grace. And while they would preach to the Christians, they did their best to fit in. We were hardcore Christians. Like we all like had creepy long hair that we didn't cut and like didn't wear any makeup, dressed very conservatively. Summer would look like a Christian, but she was having doubts. Because remember when Summer first joined the company. I wasn't really a Christian and I was pretty jaded by all the time I'd spent in the church. But Ballet 5-8 was like really sneaky and knew different ways to get dancers engaged. We had this thing called creative worship that was a mix of improvisation and prayer and like people having these intense displays of emotion or like laying of hands on people and stuff like that.

Huh, I do that in all my Pilates classes. And soon, Summer was a true believer. I felt like I was like saved a few months into dancing with the company. I remember we went on tour to Iowa and I was just like so enraptured by God. Like I felt like I was seeing God work through the company. I remember we went on tour to Iowa and I was just like so enraptured by God. Like I felt like I was seeing God work through the performances and I started to feel like this was my mission from God, like I was an influential part of God's plan. And then I went straight-edge, I was a good little girl. We were also made to feel like we had to keep everything private.

And there was one point where Juliana asked me to go check up on one of the trainees. Juliana was concerned that this trainee was like having premarital sex or like doing unsafe dating practices. And so I met with this dancer and I think I like took her out for frozen yogurt or something. And this poor dancer tells me that she was assaulted. Sexually assaulted. And she didn't know how to deal with that information. And at the time I felt so powerless as to what to do that I was just there for her as much as I could have been. I cried with her, I prayed with her, I tried to check in with

her, but I really wish I had done something about this because then when Juliana found out, Juliana responded by taking away this girl's phone and keys and passwords and by sending her to be by herself. That was one situation that happened where I really feel like I acted the way that the culture of ballet 5-8 made me act that I'm really disappointed in myself about. So as Summer got deeper into the company, she had her friends, she had her dance, but she realized she was missing something. I was like really worried that I was just like never going to find somebody to

marry who had similar viewpoints as me. But I had made a friend and then I started talking with him on Instagram and we were very good little Christians. And this new bow was named Donald. I started dating him in a very innocent, sweet way. Like we would go to church together. He would make me dinner. We would go see concerts or whatever. And so my mom and my sister started like teaming up on me and kind of berating me for not doing what they thought I should be doing,

which is putting my family first. It was like God, family, ballet. And I wasn't putting family right under God. Donald is indigenous to Alaska, and so this made my mom really, really worried that if I did get serious with Donald, I was going to move to Alaska, which is like on the opposite side of the country from New Jersey. When Donald graduated from college, he had been studying to move to Alaska, which is like on the opposite side of the country from New Jersey. When Donald graduated from college, he had been studying theology, and he became a youth pastor at a church in Chicago that was Evangelical Lutheran,

which is a much more liberal denomination than I had ever been to church at. So, that was a little scary to my mom when he got that job because it meant I was probably going to be attending this much more liberal church. In 2016 my little sister moved away to join a different ballet company and I became roommates with Lauren. Lauren was joining the company as a new member in my final year and Lauren and Lauren was joining the company as a new member in my final year and Lauren and I quickly became besties. Like every Sunday, Lauren and Donald and I would go to church together and then we would like spend time discussing theology and politics and often the happenings at Ballet 5-8.

As our mistreatment at Ballet 5-8 got worse, the three of us really started deconstructing our Christian values together. Lauren knew like way more about politics than any Christian I had ever met. And Donald, he knew a lot about the Bible and he talked to Lauren and I about the the ways that he thought Juliana was mistreating the dancers or maybe the ways that she might be misleading us through Bible study. Donald kind of like really showed Lauren and I that we were valuable and we were supposed to be treated well. In January of 2017 I became engaged to Donald and my parents really didn't want me to be in a serious relationship with someone

from a different culture, different part of the country. So they were berating me through very long text messages as we started planning our wedding. Planning a wedding is difficult enough, but picking out bridesmaid stresses between bouts of answering long antagonistic text from your disapproving mom? Sucks. Your mom is supposed to be your biggest supporter when planning a wedding, not making things thi thing thing thing thing thing thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi their their thi the culture the culture thi thi thi to to to thu- thu- their their their their their their their their their their their their their the c culture the c culture the c culture the c culture the c culture the c culture the c. the c culture the c culture the c. the c. the cc. the cc. the cc. the cu-cutu. thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiuiuiuiu. teatucucucucucucultuant thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. disapproving mom? Sucks. Your mom is supposed to be your biggest supporter when planning a wedding, not making things worse. As the spring season progressed in 2017, we did a ballet adaptation of the Scarlet Letter. I was the production assistant for the company,

so I was like working very closely with Juliana. Rehearsing for this ballet was chaos because like the trainees and apprentices were being reamed out all the time. She spent hours and hours instructing us on our facial expressions, spacing. She taped lines on the floor like we were children. And of course, the most important symbol of our gift from God was our technique.

And so during these rehearsals, Juliana would get frustrated if we weren't performing to the best of our abilities. We felt as dancers really dedicated to performing at that high level of quality that Juliana asked us for. And so we would beat ourselves up for mistakes. Every action I labored over so intensely because I knew it had eternal consequences. And we thought it was spiritual warfare. So we would pray before shows and be like, oh, can like the Holy Spirit fill this room,

but also like Satan's attacks be gone. So yeah, a lot of times I thought I was dissociating at that point because Satan was attacking me for trying to be a missionary for these ballet audiences. The belief in Satan's attacks is rooted in the Christian understanding of Satan as a fallen angel who rebelled against God and now seeks to undermine God's purposes in the world. In euphemisms. In euphemisms. Euthamisms.

The Bible is full of euphemisms, but this is Ephesians. It's pronounced... In euphemisms? Ephesians? Chapter 6, 1, 11. Did I say that right? No, you didn't say it right. It's Ephesians.

In Ephesians, books... In Ephesians chapter 6, verse 12. 11. Sorry. She's not good with numbers. That's one thing I do know about Liz Ayk was not good with numbers. In Ephesians chapter 6, book 11, it says in regards to Satan, and I quote, Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. Dump on, sister.

Thump on. I was dancing fine in this ballet and I was really enjoying working on the sets. So like I kind of felt like things were going well. Until... Two weeks after that, though, we had another tour and I was not casted, and that was weird because I was cast in every single tour weekend up to that point. And so I reached out to Juliana and she just told me that my time with the company was coming to a close and that God was tellain them that I was ready to move on and that was God's will for me.

and I was shocked. I was like, ohthat was God's will for me. And I was shocked. I was so shocked. So I was like, oh you know God's will for me really? Can God tell me? I thought he was telling me and he didn't tell me that. He was telling me to stay here another year. So that was really strange and like shocking to me. So we scheduled another meeting a to like a toa to reassess what was going to happen. And at that meeting, they were like, you can come back without being paid. I was still brainwashed a little bit, so I really wanted to follow God's will and I said I would consider doing that. And so I went home and talked with Donald about it. And Donald looked at me and he was like,

Summer, are you really going to do that again without getting paid and I just was like oh like Donald this wonderful person who like studies the word of God and tries his best to be a like a whole moral person is saying that I am more valuable than dancing for this unpaid contract and so I was able to kind of get myself toge to go in to go in than dancing for this unpaid contract. And so I was able to kind of get myself together to go in and turn it down. And just exactly, why was Summer suddenly fired out of the blue? Oh, something completely ethical, I'm sure.

I heard a rumor going around that it was maybe because I got a birth control implant at this time. But I was not having sex at this time. Honestly I just think it was she was jealous of my new relationship. I think she knew that Donald had a deep understanding of the Bible and she was threatened by me being with him because it meant I would start to view her differently. Never question the leader. And I also think I just started becoming a little bit more liberal as a Christian. Donald and Lauren and I were starting to talk about the intersection of faith and science,

faith in politics, faith and justice, and I started acting more like I was thinking about those things. She felt threatened I think. Again never question the leader. Never question the leader, the leader, the leader, the leader. Never question the leader, the leader, the leader. But Juliana's most heinous offense to me was when she scheduled a performance at the time of my wedding and made some of our friends work at the performance. So she could have scheduled this performance in the morning and then everybody could have come to my wedding. But instead she scheduled it at the time of my wedding. So in August of 2017, I got married and I also cut the ties with

ballet 5-8. Summer Smith exiting stage left. Now take your bow. So yeah, after I left ballet 58, I lucked the fuck out and I was hired by Winifred Hawn and Dancers, which is an amazing modern dance company in Chicago. Winifred Hwn and Dancers, which is an amazing modern dance company in Chicago. Winifred Haun and Dancers was like this secular company or whatever and like everybody in the company is really liberal politically and is LGBTQ or people of color and I notice how much more ethical it is in terms of its performance content in terms of the dancers it h is in terms of its performance content, in terms of the dancers it hires, in terms of budget, and it's run by an artistic director who is also

an amazing person and has become my mentor. She stands up for people in a way I've never seen Christian stand up for people. It's quite one thing to leave a cult, but the trauma often lingers. But like after I left, I was still experiencing a ton of anxiety and guilt and shame. And I started seeing a therapist who told me that I wasn't feeling my feelings. Like I was so dissociated that I couldn't locate emotion. So I did a lot of EMDR therapy and internal family systems therapy to start to like feel my feelings and enjoy my life. This therapist really helped me

work to relieve the shame that I carried and she started showing me all the ways that Juliana mirrored my mom and how I had been traumatized by the narcissistic and coercive control that they both imparted upon me. She would just point out all the ways that like something was off, such as Giuliana being expected to be like my spiritual leader, but also like my artistic director. She pointed out how fucked up the 50-page handbook was, and like how all the different fear-based manipulation

was causing us to like live in a way that wasn't in the alignment was the th-based manipulation was causing us to like live in a way that wasn't in alignment with our values. Like this therapist was the first person who told me that I might have been part of a cult and she mentioned just like some other cults at the time and she was like this behavior that she did was not normal like the way she controlled you was not normal like she would just point out all the ways that like something was off. I knew about some of the bigger cults. My parents would talk about the Harry Krishna's when I was a kid or like I heard about Jonestown obviously I thought about the

Mormon Church as a cult by myself on my own time and then I met another person a couple years later and he had been part of One Taste which is a big sex cult. I was like, oh wait, you were a part of this big sex cult, but I was like receiving the same type of manipulative behavior in my Christian ballet company. Because if there's one thing we've learned, it's that cult tactics are basically cut and paste, whether it's sex, Jesus, or ballet. I still feel body parts, like responding to trauma in moments.

Like if I have a flashback or something, I'll feel it in that body part where I felt it on the day it happened. Dissociation really separated from my body and that made it easier for me to go along with what was happening to me Because I was not in touch with myself and my values and my thoughts and opinions So I really feel like I had to leave Chicago to start to heal. And so I did. Now I'm in Alaska. Donald had been wanting to move to Alaska for years. So he got an awesome job.

Winifred Hahn promoted me from Assistant Artistic Director to Managing Director, so I am now doing more like grant writing and fund and donor management. So summer can leave the cult, leave the studio floor, and leave Chicago. But the healing process is a journey. So I've been taking time to go to the doctor and get massages and do therapy and just try to heal from the traumatic events of my life so that I can stop the cycle. I feel like this is the first time I've ever had the chance or opportunity to decide what I want and what I value and I like there's so much freedom in that that I almost feel like I don't

know where to begin sometimes. My husband has been so amazing. He's like, summer, you're tired because your life has made you tired. If you don't want to do anything today, sleep in. And so I'm trying to give myself the grace that I never had in my formative years or in my time and occult by just like, the the their, their, th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th, like, by just like letting my body rest because it so badly needs it. Sometimes all we need in life is just a day off and some rest. Thank you, Summer for sharing your story with us. It was a pleasure to speak with you.

Yes, thank you, Summer for opening our eyes and showing us that even a dance company can be a cult. And speaking of the cult, it's still around. Ballet 58 now operates with a $900,000 budget, though most of the dancers are still paid less than minimum wage. Like, the growing budget and the recognition that the company is receiving is what caused me to reach out to you with my story. We really don't want young dancers falling prey to Juliana spiritual abuse. And Summer seems to have figured out three other areas of her life that were causing her trauma. I stopped officially being a Christian around 2020. My mom at this point we have had many other conflicts since then. So I talkedto her sometimes, but I do have a lot of boundaries in our

relationship at this moment. I really let go of my eating disorder around 2016, 2017 when I started going to therapy, and especially when I started living with Donald because he started really taking time to make meals that I could eat. And that's our show. I made it all the way through trying to sound like Liz. I made it through as Tyler. And you're better for it, certainly. I think you'll walk away from this having a... A penis. I was going to say an appreciation for think you'll walk away from this having a... A penis.

I was going to say an appreciation for the weight that I have to carry on this show. Yeah, right. I do have an appreciation. It's a burden. It's an onus placed upon these somewhat broad shoulders. And we're clearly not made for dancing. Man, now you know what? I'm going to play Liz the rest of the day.

Yeah. I think I might get a $28 smoothie from Aeroon. I'm going to walk into Starbucks and just tell them a bunch of facts that they don't care to know about. I'm going to carry this. Did you know this paper cup was actually created in 1942 by a man named paper cup? It's not correct. Where was the paper cup invented? I don't know where the paper cup was invented. However, did you know that the lighter was invented before the match? Something to think about.

Take that home with you. It was? Yeah. Don't let him see that you're interested. I fell into it. I fell into it. I fell for the cult. I just thought that was interesting. I that, I was th. I was. that. that. that. that, where where where where where where where where where where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, was, where, where, that you're interested. I fell into it. I fell for the cult. I just thought that was interesting. Somewhere out there someone else does. Someone else will use that line and appear smart. You're welcome. You know where I read that on, uh, shit I could give a fuck about. Type that in. See if that actually is that, that is not a website, Liz. Oh, it's weird. It's just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all that's just just just just just just all that's just all that's just all that's just all that's just all that's just all that's just all that's just all that that that that that that that thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thii. I that's that's that's that's that's that. I that's that's that's that's See if that actually is that, that is not a website, Liz.

Oh, it's weird. It's just all things Tyler has said on Was I Am a Cult. Editor's note, after this recording we secured the rights to Shit I Could Give a Fuck About. to come, so don't try and scoop it out from under us. Go ahead, take a look. Oh, was I today this red nose and produced by me, the arabesque spinning, Tyler Mesaum? And me, though work hard, play hard, plie hard, tie hard, Liz Ayacuzzi.

Oh, oo, oo, ooh, ooh. Sound designed by the toe point. Clie a hard Liz Ayacuzzi, oh ooh ooh, ooh. Sound designed by the toe point shoes. Raw Parra. And shout out to our media grand jettet, shiny Peyton, yo girl. Our executive porta bra. Producer is Mr. Stephen Labrum. All right, let's go, let's wrap it up, bitches. All right, that's enough.

Cut her off. Purify me. Don't spare my life. It's truly. It's okay. It's okay. I need some work. You need some work on it by the end of the episode. I think we'll be funny and I'll be smart. It's okay. It's okay. I need some work on it by the end of the episode. I think it'll be funny and I'll be smart. Are you having fun with it? I can't wait to do the, and the something something was something.

That was, it's sure inflection for so many like lead in lines. I'm gonna use one of those. I'll do yours. And today I'm saying words. That is so not me. What is that? That sounds like a teacher from Charlie Brown. And here are words to make you get a little more tired as you're striving on the road. I'm going to sing a song. I'm going to make up a song about nothing. Dun, Dun, and then Rob's going to put some music underneath it. Here's some more Bible verses to make you want to blow your brains out.

Hey, everybody skip ahead because I'm going to sing something. See that little button that says 30 seconds, press it now. Did you know this useless fact, thax, Useless, fax, fax, useless facts. Did you know the microwave was invented by someone, someone who gives a fuck, 1940? Who gives the shit? You know how microwaves were invented? A man worked at a... A man worked at a test tube company and he had a chocolate bar in his pants.

Rob, help him. Restrain him. Should I give him a fuck about it? Is it? Is it? Dirt Cheap. Buy it. How much is it?

Here, put it on the company. It is. Buy it.