Was I In A Cult? - Children of God: "You're Enough as You Are" [RE-RELEASE]

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

**NOTE: This episode originally aired in 2021**Welcome to the worst cult ever (in our humble opinions). This is a story of incredible resilience, bravery, and inspiration. Being born into a cult always comes with its challenges, but learning how to have an original thought in your mid-20s is a rare struggle that most people are fortunate enough to never have to face. This is just one of many obstacles Angel had to overcome as she ventured out of the cult and into the world.But when you've spent over 20 years of your life in a cult and it's all you know, the real world isn't always as sparkly as you hoped.FOLLOW USFor more culty content — follow us on Instagram & TikTok → @wasiinacultFIND ANGELInstagram: @whatisangeldoingYoutube: @AngelDeSantisSUPPORT THE SHOWIf you believe in what we’re doing — shining a light on manipulation, coercive control, and cultic abuse — please rate, review, and share the podcast.Want even more?Join us on Patreon for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and behind-the-scenes conversations.HAVE A CULTY STORY TO SHARE?If you’ve been part of a cult — we want to hear from you.Email us → [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by the guest appearing in this episode solely belong to the guest and do not represent or reflect the views or positions of the hosts, the show, podcast one, this network, or any of their respective affiliates. Hey listeners, Tyler and I are on a little break for the holidays currently, prepping all of the incredible stories that are coming your way. in 2026. My co-st is also dealing with a last-minute emergency root canal, he's told me. So, ouch, and get better soon, sir. Last week we shared a holiday tale about something called the Christmas monster. Now, if you missed it, it is a culty belief that hails from the god-awful cult, the children of God. Now, we mentioned last week that the children of God, also known as the family, which was run by David Berg, is one of the worst, if not, I don't know, the worst cult to ever exist, possibly, in my opinion.

Now, we weren't able to get into all the details of why, but today's episode is a re-release from our very first season. Our guest today is Angel. She is an incredible and very brave storyteller, and she actually grew up in the children. of God. So if you're wondering why we think it's one of the worst cults ever, once you hear her story, you will understand exactly just why. It is a harder listen at times, but she tells it with levity and she's incredible. You all will love her and it's definitely a worthwhile listen. So with that, here is Angel and we wish you all a very happy, healthy, and safe. New Year. Thank you all again for supporting our show. We know you have a lot of choice when it

comes to what and how and where you consume your content. So we just want to say we're grateful that you choose us to be part of your life. It means a lot. So that's it. We will be back in just one week, 2006. So we'll see you next year. Purify me. Don't spare my life. Crucify me. Please note this episode has strong sexual references and multiple incidents of child abuse. ETSD is when you're a certain person, and then a traumatic event happens, and then there's a post, and you're trying to get back to the version of you that you were before, or, like, somehow you remember that person who you were, and you're trying to blend it into who you are now after this traumatic events. Because I was born and raised in this, there is no before personality, because people always like, well, what did you enjoy in childhood? And I'm like, not being beaten.

Like, that was my favorite part. This is Was I an occult. I'm Liz Ayakousy. And I am Tyler Meesam. Now, every guest we've had on this show has shared incredible stories. True, and this week's guest is no different. Sometimes these stories of survival are so inspiring that they leave you breathless. This podcast is about showing the remarkable strength of the human spirit.

And how even the most harrowing of experiences doesn't have to define who you are. We flawed humans are incredibly resilient and can overcome monumental circumstances. And our guest today is a prime example of just that. But please know that there are very traumatic experiences in this episode and anyone with an abusive past tread lightly. Tell us your story, Angel. My name is Angel DeSantis, and I guess I grew up in a cult, and that's how I ended up here on this podcast. I was born in China.

But in 1990, when she was just five years old, her family moved. We moved to Japan to the most northern part of Japan called Hokkaido, And because they had this whole philosophy that the nuclear family was very selfish, and God wanted a bigger family than just the nuclear family, they immediately split us up. They, meaning the leaders of the David Berg cult, commonly known as the Children of God. Now, if you're a dedicated listener of this show, you'll notice that a prior episode highlighting Floor Edwards was also part of Children of God. But again, this show is about the experiencer. not the cult. And here is a perfect example of just how individualized the cult experience is. We're always separated from our parents. And I don't remember seeing my younger sisters again

until three years later. The communes had 60 to 100 people. They would find dilapidated buildings that were about to be torn down. And then they would rent them until they would need to be demolished or they would just self-demolish. They're always really moldy. They put me in a room with other kids my age and there were about six of us. They would make triple bunks and they were just like stacked two triple bunks in a room or three triple bunks and they would just stack the kids on top of each other. So they were just packed. We had a really, really rigid schedule.

We'd be woken up by somebody who wasn't our parent. We would have breakfast. We would all clean like no matter what age of. where you had a cleaning job, and they would educate you in two subjects, math and English, that's it. And then we had word time, which was like indoctrination time for about two hours every day. Word time, like vocabulary lessons, word of the day type of stuff? No, not exactly. Word time was the leader, David Berg. He would get drunk and he would ramble and his mistress would write it down. And then they would send it out as the word of God. So we would get,

By the time I came around, we had, like, libraries full of stuff. And that was the only literature that you were allowed to read. Some days we'd read about camping. Some days we would read about gang rape. And then some days you'd read about the Holy Spirit who loved being naked. Wait, back up. So it was just... Gang rape?

Yes. So they used to read us a bedtime story called Heaven's Girl. It was like our version of Wonder Woman. And the story is about a 14-year-old girl. who is heaven's girl. And so he has like a lot of horrible sexual fantasies that she has to go through for God and one of them is gang rape.

So nothing like Wonder Woman. They would read this to us. It was written by David Berg, who's a pedophile. Just one of his many winning characteristics. He focused on women using their sexuality to win the world for Jesus. And so that was part of the development of my identity and my brain and all of that,

two hours of indoctrination every day. And I'm away from my family. I'm with strangers who are all like praising my sexuality at five or six years old and preparing me for the end time where I'm going to have to show God's love to soldiers willingly. So then I wouldn't fall asleep and pee the bed and have nightmares. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only literal. literature David Berg authored.

He wrote a lot of literature about how kids love sex. So they would always encourage us to be really sexual with each other. And like I said, they separated you from your parents and then you would be in groups. So they would encourage basically group sex among children. And sometimes the adults would like all stand around and cheer and like direct boys and girls like where to touch each other. And then they would put the kids to bed and then the adults would have their orgy. they told us in the real world adults hate children

and so they don't let them have sex but in this world we love children so we let children have sex and when adults love you then they also have sex with you too what in the actual fuck they didn't only abuse the girls they abused a lot of the boys too because David Berg was saying

that he was jerked off by his nanny when he was young and he loved it so therefore all little boys love it He really encouraged that, so there was a lot of abuse by the women in the cult with young boys. In all of the cults that we have researched, I personally believe that children of God to be the most dangerous and harmful cult of them all. 100%. The abuse in this cult is unlike anything I've ever heard. And technically, they did have rules in place for sexual contact with minors. You should be 18 before you have sex?

But cult leaders love a loophole. But please see Appendix B, you know, and then you go to Appendix B, and it's basically like, we have to say to follow the rules of the law, but as we know, God's laws are not man's laws. So that was in the rulebook. And the book had many more rules. We were allowed to have 12 ounces of wine per week. And then you could have two beers a week. but if you sat down and drank it in one setting,

you could only have a beer and a half. We had rules of three sheets of toilet paper. Now that rule feels fairly generous, comparatively speaking. And we would have, like, home meetings about this, about how, like, we're wasting the Lord's money because we're using too much toilet paper. We would have to have a meeting where, like, 27 people would talk about

how they use the toilet paper, and who's taking the longest baths and you're not allowed ever to take a shower past seven minutes. Who's using the shampoo? And, like, all of this stuff. Sounds like my family growing up. And the thing about these rules for alcohol and toilet paper and how long your showers are allowed to be, it's all to keep your mind busy so that you don't have time to think.

Like, all of this is a setup so that you never get a moment of clarity and a moment of thought about yourself, to yourself, in a peaceful place. Because if you can have clear thought about yourself in a peaceful place, that will lead you out. Even though Berg laid down these rules, he wasn't really roaming the commune halls. Because other cults, it's like, you at least see the leader leading a sermon, or you live with the leader, or you're married to the leader. Ours was always in hiding. Granted, he was paranoid, but also people were looking for him because the whole renting a sex trafficking ring and being a pedophile thing. Right, that whole thing.

Right. Again, we discussed children of God in episode six, titled Pray for Death. So you should go back and listen to that. And if you have listened to it but forgot, here is a quick rundown. Originally named Teens for Christ, this Christian-based group was started in Huntington Beach, California in the late 60s, by a man named David Berg, who was the son of an Oklahoma preacher. He would see young hippies and recruit them for his group. So at first he was really authoritative, and people joined because they needed structure. No one is allowed to have sex except for the leader who would have sex with all the new recruits.

And then he realized like, oh, it's a bunch of young people. And then he realized that he couldn't keep recruits if all he had was structure. So then he was like, you get to do whatever you want. Everyone gets to fuck whoever. Marriage just don't matter. Nothing matters. Even if you don't want to have sex with so-and-so doesn't fucking matter. Go get it.

You get to live the life that you want to live if you have no morality. but you get to do it with this sense of superiority and morality. Now again, remember, Angel was born into this lifestyle. It was all she knew. My dad, he had lost his dad when he was 12, when he was like 19. Somebody invited him to a Bible study. You should come by. There are free snacks.

And then all of a sudden, you meet this wonderful community of people who, like, oh, you're family now. he didn't have a father figure and David Berg called himself dad. So my dad joined, but then my mom joined because she wanted a boyfriend. She was, they had this thing that they did called F-Fing, which was flirty fishing. And there's a verse in the Bible that says, I will make you fishers of men. And they took that to mean that all the women were bait and hookers for Jesus. And everyone else was fish. So you would go out and try and find fish. fish and hook them and then bring them back into the fold. So they did this mostly with women,

but sometimes with men. And my mom met this handsome foreigner in Indonesia. And she also grew up like below the poverty line in Indonesia, which is like a whole other poverty line. So she thought she was getting a well-traveled English boyfriend. She joined. They gave her new name. They had a really locked in system where they would ask you, like, do you want to join? And you would say yes and yes, this is my family. And then what they would do is they would take you to your real family and have you just own them, have you stand in front of them and be like, I don't love you anymore. I belong to God. This is my new family. Basically, fuck you guys. I don't know if I can say that. You can say whatever the fuck you on. Perfect. But you basically tell your family, fuck you.

You're not my family anymore. I have a new family. And then within the next week or two, you were in a different country. Still sounding like your childhood growing up, Tyler? They would give you a different name, so you would get a new identity, and then you get a whole new life. It's this little perfect cocktail of like a really awesome community of people who cared and wanted to like share the word of God with the whole world. And you get access to like whoever you want to fuck.

Berg did not value concepts like faithfulness and monogamy. My dad was really never faithful to my mom. Not that faithfulness was ever. a thing that was required for these marriages. But he brought in a mistress when I was about eight. She just decided that your husband is now my husband. And she wouldn't leave. And she followed him from commune to commune.

That's one way to land a husband. And the leaders told my mom that she was the problem. If you just stopped having feelings of jealousy, you would be fine. My mom was, I think, pregnant with her fifth child. So it's that thing of like, where are you going to go? Even if you want to leave, you can't because they would tell the moms, if any woman wanted to leave, they would be like, all right, leave, but you're never seeing your kids again. They could literally put them in other countries, like the next day, and you would never be able to find them. As a woman in the cult, they tell you that you are powerful because you're sexual.

That's literally your only option as a woman to be powerful is to be willing to fuck whoever. and they called it having sacrificial dates because it's a sacrifice of your body. There were certain women who really wanted power and chased power and my mom, to her credit, just wanted to be a good mom. So certain women wanted power, but what did power get you? So there were tiers of leadership and you could climb them.

So the first tier that you got to was home manager. I made home manager, so I got to be in charge of the schedule. but what most people really wanted was to be a shepherd because you would be in charge of the emotional and mental pulse of the home but I knew that in order to be a shepherd

I would have to have sex with people and I was not willing to have sex with people so if you're just like an underling you're not allowed to do anything except say yes sir or yes ma'am the higher your level of power the more emotions you're allowed to have so power got you

emotions and all you have to do to get the freedom to have a feeling is be open to sleeping with anyone. If a leader gets angry, it's justified, because it must be God's anger. So I think people also want it to climb the ladder for that reason. Also, the higher-ups had money.

Every commune would send them 20% tithe. Except that the definition of the word tithe is one-tenth of earnings contributed, but they would have to give 20%. So they would twithe. It's a terrible joke. It's a dad joke. It's a joke you would say.

And so leadership lived off of the tithes. They bought real estate. They went on lavish vacations. But like most cults, the average member lived dirt poor. You see, no one is allowed to have secular jobs because they didn't want people getting close to the outside world. And the only way for them to bring in revenue is... They would send out the kids to go beg. You would be out all Saturday and all Sunday.

day just begging. We were just knock on doors and say, hey, we're here, we're doing missionary work. We're from all these different countries. We're doing God's ministry and these are our kids. And we would sell videos or cassette tapes of like the music or the literature that the family would produce, like inspiring, uplifting quotes and Bible verses. Or it would be like songs about God. They produced a lot of music. So we would sell that. Or we would just go out into the street, pass out, posters and just say, hey, give us money. No one's going to say no to like a five-year-old. Sometimes a kid would go out with two adults who pretended to be her parents.

Because her parents were probably on a different commune in a different country. Then they would be like, say this line. My line was, hi, whatashi Mosquides, which is Japanese for yes, I like it too. During the spiel that the adult would give when they were trying to sell these videos, they would pinch me and I would say, then if they sold, then it would be okay. But if it didn't sell, then we would get talked to or beaten back in the car and be like, you're not bringing the joy of the Lord or like, you look dead in your eyes.

The money they would make would then be taken to the communes. The big communes, we were so easy to spot. So we had been raided a lot. So each commune, they sat us down as kids and they trained us of like, if the police come to the house, this is what they're going to do, and these are the things that you need to say. And often, raids did occur. The authorities would come, take all the kids.

They would put them in homes or foster care, but they ended up returning every single kid. They would lose because they could never prove the abuse because we were indoctrinated, and they would say, are you being abused? And we'd say no. When the real answer was quite the contrary, you're just trying to get through to the end of the day

without a beating every single day. I got beaten a lot for being foolish. Or I remember making a card for my mom once, and I got a beating for not smiling. They were like, you're making a card for your mom and you should be happy, but you're not smiling and you're bringing everyone else in the room down.

So I got a beating for that. Some people were sadistic enough to make, like, spanking paddles. Some people would do it with brooms or, like, vacuum cleaners, or if they're angry, they'll just grab whatever is near. I think the scariest one that I had was somebody was beating me because they were angry. This person pulled me out of breakfast, so it was like, I had barely woken up. He pulled me into the bathroom, and he said he didn't like my attitude, and I needed to pull my socks up. And I looked down, and I wasn't wearing socks.

So I said that. I was like, I'm not wearing socks. He just started hitting me with a broom, and I could feel that he was just going to keep. pitting me until his rage was done being taken out on me. And at the end of it, they always would grab your face, make you look them in the eye, and thank them for giving you the beating, and then tell them you love them. They would say, tell me thank you, and tell me that you love me. And I'd be like, thank you, I love you.

The only place that I was safe was if I took good care of babies. So I always wanted to be in the nursery because I always knew that I could be as kindness loving as I could be with babies, and I would never be punished for that emotion. The premise of this whole cult, and I think any sort of cult or movement like this that is so extreme, there has to be an end date. For us, it was the end time. There's a verse in the Bible, there's like the 144,000 who are called by God. And our interpretation of that was that there are 144,000 people who are going to survive the end of the world, and they're not going to die, they're just going to go to heaven. That's the elite, and that's what we're going to.

we're a part of, and we're a part of God's End Time Army. So we watched a lot of soldier movies, a lot of Braveheart. Every man dies. No, every man really lives. A lot of this camaraderie of like, we're soldiers. We're soldiers of the end. Mel Gibson would be so honored. You're training yourself on how to die ever since you're very young.

I think I was afraid of dying a violent death, but the death itself part was fun, because then I go heaven. It's a whole, it's a lot of unpacking to do later on in life, we'll say. I remember telling this to my therapist. He was like, what is the first fear that you remember? And I was like, obviously the gang rape. And he was like, real quick, just how old are you when you were afraid of that? And I was like, five. And he was like, let's unpack. Let's unpack that. And I was like, oh, that's right. That's not a normal fear for a five-year-old to have. Because I was taught that it was an inevitable thing that would happen to me. I would have to somehow bring the soldiers to Christ through the gang rape, which is the scene that happens in Heaven's Girl. That is what I was

afraid of and preparing for violence by soldiers. This unthinkable fear, of course, was instilled by their leader, David Burke. He had this whole thing that is, if somebody rapes you, let him, you should use it as an opportunity to win these people to the Lord. Like, if somebody's going to rape you, give him Jesus. That was how I learned about rape. Like, oh, if somebody tries to rape me, only in their head are they doing something violent. But in my head, I should be giving him Jesus. I was sexually abused as a child. I was five. There was just something in me that, like, set off an alarm of this shouldn't be happening. This shouldn't be happening. We were alone. We were in a bunk bed. I was not allowed to make noise. And then the threat, of course, is that if you say anything, then I'm

going to do it to your siblings. You know, that's the first instance of love being used against you, and then you learn not to love because it's used against you. And I didn't want to feel that again. And I knew that I had a right to not be forced into sex. Another time that I like narrowly escaped sexual abuse. I was six. We had Gypsy Night. The Gypsy Night. The Gypsy These are wild and free, as you know. And so we all dressed up in scarves, and they encouraged, like, all the kids to lay down and touch each other. And I was supposed to make out with Peter, another kid in my class, who I did not like. The adults would watch and be happy for us. I remember falling asleep and I woke up being carried towards my bedroom by an adult. I was wrapped up in a scarf. And I remember being upset because I had had like little. paper hearts cut out and put on my nipples, and they had fallen off, so I was like all self-conscious of my nipples. There was no teacher in there. My teacher was probably downstairs fucking, and he probably knew that. It's dark in there, and this would be the perfect time. So this adult

put me in bed on the bottom bunk. It was like all wet, and I knew that there was pee. This adult came and tried to crawl into bed with me. And it was all wet. So he kind of recoiled. He was like, did you pee the bed? I said, yes, I peed the bed. And he was disgusted with me. Then stormed out of the room.

And I remember being like, I knew what I had just avoided. It wasn't my pee. It was the boy above me who would have night terrors and he would pee. And he would pee his bed a lot. And so I was used to being peed on and I was used to waking up

in either my pee or his pee. And that is how being peed on by another boy in my class saved me. Wow. Yep. Thank God for Peter's pee. For real. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hug my children. Those are the worst memories, for sure.

What is your best memory? Um, we would go to parks and they would just let us play. And those were really happy memories for me. Like being in the river, being able to make flower crowns, I wouldn't be able to wear them because if I wore them, I would get in trouble because then that was me trying to be glamorous. But I could make them. So now looking back, the good memories for me,

they feel much lighter because now I understand the amount of darkness that was surrounding them. One can imagine growing up in this tortured environment is enough to break a child. My first attempt to take my life was when I was 12. I was standing on top of the roof, on top of the commune,

and it was high enough that I could jump off of it. I was trying to... There were two cars parked, and I was trying to aim, because I was like, I know if I land on the car that I'm just going to break a leg and then I'm going to get in trouble

for jumping on the car, and I'm probably going to be beaten for, like, hitting the car. So I was like, trying to see if I could aim between the cars. And then I heard the baby wake up and I was like, God damn it, went to go get the baby. So thank God for crying babies and Peter's P. But Angel wouldn't stay a little girl forever.

I hit puberty and I started to become, like, attractive. I knew that I would need to, like, stay one step ahead of the predators. And when people would approach me to have, like, sacrificial dates with them, I would say I'm not strong enough spiritually to receive you and like you're such a strong man and you're so full of God and I wouldn't be able to receive you spiritually

and they would be like yeah you're right they needed to feel desired and so I would give that to them without giving myself to them and it worked thankfully. What a brilliant strategy angel stroke a man's ego

to successfully escape unwanted advances. But not every man took the rejection so easily. One time when she was 20 years old. This one guy wanted to have sex with me, and he was married. His wife was pregnant, and he had asked every single girl in the commune for sex. They called it a date. And he had asked me for a date, and I went, and you had to pray about it.

So you couldn't say yes or no. Jesus had to say yes or no. So she prayed. And then the prophecy that I got from Jesus was, if you're not ready, then you're not ready, then you don't have to be ready. And I was like, great, that's a no. So this person came up to me during like a dance night. He was like, hey, did you pray about it?

And I was like, yeah, I did, actually. And Jesus said no. And he like grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me against the wall. And he was like, Jesus didn't say no. You're going to pray about it again and you're going to get a yes because Jesus is not going to say no. And he walked off. She went and told the home leader all about it, who was also pregnant at the time.

She was in the same position as this dude's wife. so she was a little bit more empathetic. She got really upset, and we ended up having a whole united prayer against this dude and his pregnant wife. What's united prayer? Oh, it's the shame circle. It's where we get together.

We all lay hands on you, and we're all going to pray against you. Then I would list out all the problems that I think you have, and then we would all create like a beautiful chain of prayer for you, and we would basically have a mini little exorcism for you. And at no point during this united prayer

are you allowed to say anything. You just have to sit there and be thankful that we are praying for you. And he and his wife were in the circle? Yes. What did she do wrong? She was complicit. Like, she let him ask everybody for sex. And if she didn't let him ask everybody for sex, she would be wrong.

But she did, so she's also wrong. Because isn't everything at the end of the day, the woman's fault? So they both got prayed against. Nobody had sex with him. No. When I was praying against you during a united prayer, I would have to claim a verse and a spirit helper to make my prayer as powerful as possible.

So when praying, they would enlist the services of an angel, also known as a spirit helper. But they wouldn't settle for just any run-of-the-mill angel. They outsource to famous angels. Like Michael the Archangel is one. Billy Bojangles is one. Elvis Presley, clearly. Right?

Marilyn Monroe, Nixon, Rasputin, basically celebrities. Celebrities that you would think that... Would be the evilest of them all, you would think. Well, now they're forgiven in heaven and they're repentant. Right. And they're helping us from the spirit world. Right. So we had a lot of spirit helpers.

She continued to move from commune to commune. All while narrowly dodging sexual predation. She went from Tokyo to Mexico. and eventually San Diego. And it was there where she met someone. I met him the day that I landed in the commune. He was lovely. He was also born and raised in the group,

and they immediately fell into a relationship. He said he wanted to marry me, but we both knew that that didn't mean anything in the context of a cult. So he was like, I want to leave, and then let's get married. So we left, I didn't leave because I had seen the light or I had had questions. I left because I loved a boy.

And that's it. Leaving was terrible because you leave your family, you leave your whole world, and you leave everything that you know in exchange for something that is not that much better. Now, Angel and her boyfriend had just decided to leave the commune. We moved to Vista, which is like this little town, about 40 minutes north of San Diego. We got an apartment. It was a one-bedroom, and I remember. walking in, the appliances were new, the carpet was new, the paint was new, and I had never been

anywhere that was freshly cleaned. And then they got legally married. And then it was just we both went into survival mode of like, all right, where are we going to get money to make this month's rent? Neither of us have job history, credit history, education, nothing. But again, I was good with babies. So I got a job as a nanny. And he got a job as like a security guard. We had a $150 for food for the month for both of us. A lot of beans and rice. I mean, we both grew up in poverty, so it's not like we wanted luxury food.

Right. I used to dream about being able to buy, like, a bottle of wine. One day, I'm going to spend $10 on a bottle of wine. She was 23 years old, essentially an adult, but... My brain was so massively. underdeveloped, that I was still very young and old at the same time, because I've been through some stuff that I should not have been through really early on. But then I also just have huge gaps in my knowledge. Like, again, my schooling had stopped when I was just turning 12. So I didn't

know how to think. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't understand anything about how the world works. And I didn't know anyone. And while she was simply learning how to just exist in the world. She was also burdened by her cultic past. Mentally, I was still very much in the cult. I took literature with me. I would still try and wake up and have word time and pray and trying to be a good soldier and still be in the army as best I could. You can stay in a cult for the rest of your life while not being in a cult for the rest of your life. So everything is still there. There's the constant threat of God's going to come find me and kill me because I stepped out of this and out of love for me, he has to punish me.

Angel lived with this fear for four years. But then one day. I read a book by Brne Brown, Gifts of Imperfection. And in it, she says, you're enough as you are. And I remember reading it and then closing the book and, like, throwing it across the room. All my conditioning rushed to the front to be like, it's a no to this thought. when you see like really abused victims and you try to tell them that they're good enough

they get upset at you because they know because they've been taught their whole life that know they're not enough, they're shit because everyone treats them like shit so it's too much to process so the best thing to do is just throw it away but again it's that thought

that sits there and is like why not if God made me I must be enough because why would he make me not enough. So let me try and read it again. And I read it over and over and over and over, the sentence. You're enough as you are. You're enough as you are. And then I tried to believe it and it didn't work. And then I tried to sit there and think it. I kept after it. It took a while. But eventually

I was able to think it and then eventually I was able to say it to myself in the mirror. And I felt it like go through my brain. Like I felt new electrical stuff just like light up because I had never in my life, first of all, had my own thought. And secondly, I had never had the thought that I was good enough. I just felt it and then I cried. And then eventually it became one of the core beliefs that I built the rest of my brain off of. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I'm always enough. And that's just never going to be called into question ever again. So then I just realized that I was allowed to have whatever thoughts I wanted. And then once I had the pieces of, yes, I'm enough, and I'm capable of logical thought,

then that started the grieving process. And I think that the unlocking of the grief then allowed me to acknowledge the actuality of, yeah, I was raised in a cult. And then friendships fall apart and marriage fall apart and all of that jazz. happens. What happened with the marriage? We both had cult personality. And then we left and we developed. And then we both developed our own personalities. We both grew into the people that we were meant to be. And then once that happened, then the marriage fell apart. And we'd been together for like decade. And the decision to leave the marriage was the first decision that I made by myself for myself. So where are you in the journey today? Ooh, today I am in

learning how to share it. You have to tell the story that you lived. Otherwise, it gets stuck in your body. And I've thought about this a lot of if I could have picked my life, would I have picked differently? And I wouldn't have. I wouldn't be this person

if I hadn't had the darkness filled me. So I have to reconcile that somehow and be grateful for it because I'm super grateful for who I am now. The other day I went to, this is very Venice where I'm about to say a very Venice moment. She's referring to Venice Beach, California. So I took some mushrooms and I went to a sunset silent disco on the beach in Venice.

So I have headphones on and we're just like dancing on the beach. I'm a little high watching the waves and then I just stood there for a moment. And it was such a beautiful moment. It was also a moment of just overwhelming gratitude. I had to go through so much healing in order to have that moment of gratitude. My bright spots are so much brighter because I know how much it took to get there. Then I cried. Yeah.

I think that life is meant to be long enough to recover, and I'm just super thankful. that it was. You can only go up. If you've had a bad experience at the beginning of your life, you literally can only go up from there. And I think that's really thrilling. Angel, wow.

Thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable journey with us. You are truly an inspiration. Today, Angel lives in Los Angeles. She is a yoga teacher and has a YouTube channel where she speaks out about cults, religious trauma, healing, and living with C-P-T-S-D. To learn more about C-P-T-SD, please visit CPTSD Foundation.org. And if you have been a sufferer of child sexual abuse, and this episode sparked any trauma for you, please speak with someone. As a victim of child sexual abuse myself, I know how to be a child.

how important it is to talk to somebody about these things. Remember, you are not alone. And remember, you are enough, exactly as you are. We'll be back next week with a bit more of a lighter episode. Two more survivors of Liz's acting class. cult. They are two remarkable women, and they're my friends, and they're hilarious and very open. Okay, if I want to truly get everything I'm here to get, I have to believe everything. I mean, I just went full on. She called me her daughter and would say she gave birth to me.

She was my guru. She had me convinced at one point that if I wasn't for her, I wouldn't be in the pussycat dolls. I got the job. two years prior, and we were already at the height of the success, but she took credit for it. Until next week, tell me thank you and tell me you love me. Not happening, Tyler.

Fine. Was I an occult? It's a production of IHeartMedia and a story produced and written by the dancehole doctor Tyler. And the Nobel Prize winning, Liz Jackie Cozy. Executive producer is Maya Cole Howard. Supervising producer is Ari Becile. Audio editors,

Chandler, Mays. Publicist is Lauren Dutton Breen. Audio engineer here in L.A. is Danil Goodman. And our fan of the week is Brent Thornton. Thanks for pimping us, sir. What's dance hall doctor? I don't know. It just sounds funny. Oh, God. Don't let Tyler write word. Don't let Tyler write the joke. You got something better in you, Liz. You can't stop them. Feel free. Don't let Tyler write the jokes. Dance whole doctor. Hi, I'm Jesse Prey and I'm Andy Cassette.

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