Watch What Crappens - #106: All I Want For Christmas Is A Sweater Line, A Hollywood Star, and Mama Joyce's Approval

Episode Date: December 4, 2013

On this very special episode of "Watch What Crappens," Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) and Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) are joined once again by Katie Cazorla, star of TVGN's "The Nail Files." The red wine is flowing, and no one is safe ? especially Kyle Richards, Yolanda Foster, and all the rest of them silly ladies on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." Then it's on to "Vanderpump Rules" where Jax's cancer scare proves as warm and cuddly as one of his future sweaters. We take down Stassi for being the worst woman ever and then naturally spread the love to all the other great thinkers at Sur. Finally, we wrap things up with talk of "Atlanta" as well as "Fashion Queens." And as a major bonus, Katie's boyfriend Walter hops on the piano and plays his seminal holiday song, "All I Want For Christmas." A singalong ensues. Come listen! Yay! Check out our Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens) for announcements and to hang out with us and other listeners. Ronnie is writing recaps of the season. Check them out same night as they air (http://www.trashtalktv.com/category/real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-3/) Our YouTube Podcasts: http://www.youtube.com/thetvclique Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://bit.ly/crappens Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crap Is, the podcast that's about all that crap on Bravo that we love. I'm Ben Mandel here from b-sideblog.com, you can find me at b-sideblog. And joining me as always is my plucky co-host, Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hi.am. Hi, Ronnie. Hello.

Hi. Oh, God, you sound so local. The Skype connection is just excellent. I know. It's so good today. It's almost like we're in the exact same room. It's almost like Time Warner got its shit together. Yeah, I know. In fact, the truth is that Ronnie and I are in the same room, and we are joined by our guest, the wonderful and lovely and beautiful Katie Cazorla. Hi, Katie. Yeah, party. our guest the wonderful and lovely and beautiful Katie Cazorla. Hi Katie! So we are actually at Katie's house right now and Katie's boyfriend, fiance, whatever, man friend is Walter. I think we should just call him Katie's Walter.

Katie's Walter is a professional music man, truly professional, and are using a professional recording equipment so if it sounds a little better today that's why we're set up I've taken pictures with Grammys we literally have Grammys in front of me we're just talking shit about David Foster he's apparently extremely rude and doesn't remember his friends when it comes to wedding time yeah I know what a death I would have brought over a jar of chocolate and red wine to his party. But if it's not grown in Yolanda's... That's why you weren't invited.

Yolanda's like... Fucking garden. Don't invite the bitch with all the chocolate. The only chocolate I like is chocolate from Holland or the one that I grow in the chocolate trees in my backyard. Or the one that worked for me for a couple of weeks when I first moved here. Oh my gosh. Shut up, Yolanda.

You racist. Can you listeners at home identify this sound? Cheers. It's the sound of Yolanda's balls clinking together. This is called

the sound of I'm never doing this podcast again unless we're in this house drinking chocolate holding Grammys. Drinking chocolate.

That sounds amazing. We kind of are. We're eating chocolate and drinking wine at the same time. How fun of are. We're eating chocolate and drinking wine at the same time. How fun is this? We're eating organic chocolates that are made specifically for red wine.

Yeah, so we're drinking wine, eating chocolate, and I'm about to talk some Bravo. So Ronnie, by the way, is at TrashTweetTV. Just come find me at TrashTalkTV.com. We have funny recaps and I'm doing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills night of every single week. Yeah. Oh my God.

And Katie is at The Painted Nail on Twitter and all those social media platforms. Man, they just talk about random things. I've been lately talking about Kim Kardashian and how vile I think she is. Oh yeah. Kim Kardashian is fucking vile. She is vile. She is 10% of the Philippines. Suck it, bitch.

Meaning that Kim took 90% of her charity, not that. Yeah, she had a big charity thing for the Philippines disaster and kept 90% of it. Yeah, she advertised her eBay closet clean out for the Philippines to help raise money and then decided that she had to keep 90% for operating expenses.

Yeah, it cost a lot to take a couple photos and put them up on eBay. I know, it's a lot. Clothes you've worn once. They were probably given to you for free. That's the grossest part. Well, last year people were posting links on our Watch What Crappens Facebook page, which is facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens. Which you should all join and like.

Because apparently, which I didn't know this, but all the housewives have eBay pages because they can only wear things once on TV because you don't want to look like a cheapskate. So they wear it and then they sell it. And Vicky's the worst. And she has all these reviews of like... People are writing reviews on eBay like, Well, I got it, but it smelled like pits. Oh my God.

Her big sweaty alcohol gets... She's not even dry cleaning them. She's just like... Ew. Sending that shit out. Shoves it in a FedEx tube and... Oh my God. Sends it off to Azusa.

I have a hole right where my belly button is. It's for easy access for fetishists. Well, that's where everyone I have a hole right where my belly button is. It's for easy access. Well that's where everyone should have a hole right where their belly button is. This is kind of weird doing this when I can see you guys. I know. I'm used to being able to like mold lint, pick my nose, scratch my nuts. Tweez a random white hair out of your balls. I know. You just can't do that today, can you Ronnie? I'm staring at you in your Lucky Charm shirt. So anyway, was there any noteworthy Bravo gossip this week?

Yeah, do we have any? The only thing, the only thing. Oh, Andy Kozell. We got to talk about Andy Kozell. Okay, so my good friend Andy, who used to be on TVgasm, he would host with me, called me up and said, oh my God, you, who used to be on TVgasm, he would host with me,

called me up and said, oh my God, you're never going to believe this. There was this crazy fight between Tom and Greg. By the way, if you hear snapping during my story, it's Ben and Ronnie literally wolfing down the chocolate. Like all they've been brought up on is Hershey's garbage chocolate. Like, we've never had this kind of chocolate. The cracking is not the sound of the earth opening up at the mere mention of Vanderbilt rules. It is actually just us breaking out pieces of chocolate. Just pieces of Theo chocolates.

But anyways, so he calls me up and he's like, I live in Jax's building. Which is like crazy because it's really cheap. And I hate to say this about Andy. I love him, but his building's cheap. So, um, he lives. That's why Jax is there. Jax's building looks so cute. And how cheap can it be when you live right across the street from Zankow Chicken?

I think it's like, like $1,600 for a one bedroom. Oh my God. $1,600. Is that a lot? That's a lot. That's a lot. Oh my God. Jax has a studio

do I need to be rich or just not ever talk to you again that seems like it's really cheap meanwhile okay by the way we're sitting here

in Katie's like mansion okay by the way what are you talking about okay just to preface this we just watched Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules

right before this and every time they went to like Katie I mean Kristen's apartment or whatever Katie's like oh look at that

Ikea chair oh he's shopping at H&M I'm like, okay, as I step quietly out of the room Well no, because here's the thing They're talking about Stassi's style tips If you want to be Stassi for the holidays No, I don't want to be the meanest devil Who the fuck wants to be Stassi for the holidays

If I want to be a Nazi If I want to be a Nazi sympathizer That's what her name should be, Nazi If you want to be a Nazi, if I want to be a Nazi sympathizer. That's her name. She'd be Nazi. If you want to be Satan on Jesus's birthday. Yeah, if you want to like... If you think cancer is funny, then you're going to love Stassi's style tips.

You want to dress like someone part of like the Phnom Peh. Oh my God. Well, you were losing your hair anyway. I know. It's like this is just forcing you to take the shade jump earlier. She's the meanest person ever regardless jacks lives in okay so jacks lives in andy's building and he's building

may not be rich but at least i can call you daddy warbucks now that answer looks great on you oh my god that's stassi's sense of humor so they so he calls me up and says you're never gonna believe this tom and kristin were out front of my building last night until three o'clock in the morning absolutely screaming at the top of their lungs at each other and this is just a week ago right just a week ago that is that couple from snl that amy poehler and what this bun's played where they're just always fighting oh they like show up at people's house oh yeah yeah it was something like that. And then when people say something like, there, that is so rude that we love each other

or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. When someone else is like, I would never talk to you that and then all of a sudden they end up smacking each other in the face. Yeah, and then they're like

fucking in the kitchen. Yeah, I consider myself lucky because at this point I don't actually know any fighting couples anymore. I thought you were friends with me and Walter. Oh, yeah.

I thought so. I thought so. Is that how you fight? Because I just saw you get in a Walter fight and he just basically leaned back and like stayed quiet i was like yeah he's the keeper yeah i'm like i've seen your show katie you guys don't really fight no we really don't fight and this is another thing that i needed to talk about the difference between watching reality tv at my friends houses as opposed me. I am such a reality junkie that I need to watch it high-def, full-screen, 1080p, giant.

Right. When I watch it at my friends' house, I think reality people look decent when you watch it on a ghost screen. Oh, yeah. That was the first thing I said. Yeah, Kitty, by the way, has pretty much, like, an IMAX screen in her living room.

So just imagine the sight of, like, Jax or Horse Face 1 and 2 like six feet tall. Horse Face 1 looked like... 48 years old. She looked like someone poured down a new street and then like a bunch of little kids bikes rode on it before it had time to drive.

Oh my god, you're right. Bike tracks. Bike tracks. That girl was tracked up. She's like Ram and Shadi's Theater. Someone put some handprints in that one Yeah, so my definition is not really anyone's friend So I don't I don't I can't think of any gossip offhand about what happened in the world of Bravo But I can say this this actually ties into the world larger than Bravo Which is that over the weekend and Paul Walker died as you guys remember which is real bummer

You know, he's you know, everyone likes Paul Walker because he was like nice and charitable and yeah and like hot and quiet but when did you ever hear anything terrible about him never but like Paul Walker's still hot oh thanks People Magazine I know I know so the reason why I bring this up is because of all the networks that decided to have a Fast and Furious marathon that had already pre-scheduled one Bravo had a Fast and Furious marathon which just had already pre-scheduled one. Bravo had a Fast and Furious marathon, which just goes to show that Andy Cohen ruins everything.

The day he died. Bravo had a Fast and Furious. They didn't pull it off out of respect? There's no such thing as respect when it comes to Bravo. Andy Cohen's like, yeah, my jackal of the week

goes to the phone poll that killed Paul Walker when we were having a match. Shock, Steve! He's like, mazel to the fireman. When you hear the code word, car crash, have a drink. Have a drink of your Volvo 74 special drink.

Let's call this one high octane. Spored by our special bartender, Mr. Goodrich. Oh, my God. He would do something like that. So that's pretty much my only gossip that's outside of, that I can think of. Well, I watched Watch What Happens Live last night after Real Housewives, and it was Blair from The Facts of Life.

Oh, okay. What's her name? And Survivor. Lisa Wenschel. Yeah, Wenschel. Wenschel. And Kim Richards. Oh, okay. What's her name? And Survivor. Lisa Wenschel. Yeah, Wenschel. Wenschel. And Kim Richards. Oh, so it's like

childhood stars. I know. You should do that a lot. It's like, oh, Kim Richards is talking. Yeah, I saw Facts of Life one time. Remember that?

I played that girl who tried to kiss a job and then it turned out there weren't gay people back then. What a waste! I have a sad card. Until I was waiting and I heard that Mrs. Garrett was next to me and they're taking pictures. I was here first. I was an icon before Mrs. Garrett was an icon. My favorite game to play on that set was the one we smoked at Delta with Mrs. Garrett. She laughs every time.

You know, when I'm with Kingsley, I'm like, I'm like, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have Kingsley. You know, George Clooney, I was supposed to be George Clooney's girlfriend on that show. Wait, Kim Richards was on the Facts of Life? No, just in her head. But if you look at,

if you look, I just put Kim Richards in everything. Yeah. I'm like, remember when I was a pretty woman? Now Richard's here. I thought, he's too old for me. But then it turned out he was rich. He's an idiot now. That's why I said Richard Garrett. He's rich.

Okay, you know Kim Richards was in quite a bit of things. I was just going to say, if you IMDB her ass, she's in different strokes. She had a three episode arc and she was on chips. Wait, one of my favorite things. Who doesn't like Chips. If you do, if you do a Google search for the new

Witch Mountain with The Rock from like a few years ago, you do, I think it's called Return to Witch Mountain. Yeah. If you do Google for it, you know how Google

always has like these things on the side, like further information. So they have like a list of like people who are in Return to Witch Mountain or like related searches.

So they show pictures of like The Rock and whoever, some kid actor, someone. And then they show a picture of Kim Richards from like 1931 where it's like black and white. It's like a little rascal's picture of her going like this.

It's black and white. It's like right next to The Rock. It's like next to The Rock. It's the funniest juxtaposition of all time. I knew Mickey Mouse before he could even talk. I was supposed to be like, I love you. I always had a horse with Mickey Mouse and Mickey Ro even talk. I was supposed to be like, I almost got on a horse with Mickey Mouse

and Mickey Rooney. Where is this horse going? Because I know how horses faint. You have foam on your mouth. Oh, it's my meds. I keep them under my tongue and I forget. Can you wait? I never do that

for some reason this episode this week every time she laughs it's so awkward it's like her and Kyle both it's like Patty and Selma from The Simpsons do not smoke and get up

Jesus like you have sleep apnea while you're awake awake apnea and her neck and Richard's neck you just have apnea while you're awake. Awake apnea. Hurt in her neck. In Richard's neck. You just have apnea.

Yeah, just apnea at all times. You just have walking apnea. Forever apnea. That was actually, Forever Your Girl was based on them. It was originally called Forever Your Apnea. Sounds like windshield wipers that need to be changed. Oh yeah, they do.

Where it's like, I just need some Marlboro lights for me. Poor Kingsley's going to be traumatized. Every time he goes to the car wash, he thinks it's going to be Kim Richards. Ronnie is like turning red. Ronnie has now caught a case of the Richards apnea. He's like,

you cannot breathe right now. He's turning red. He has walking apnea. I'm an ex-smoker and I had a cold last night. Hey, guys. Guys, I think this is... You need to take a sip. Since we are now like totally like...

We're talking about crabs. No, I'm saying why don't we just go right into... Real Housewives. This is in from the Alexia Echeverria news report. Oh, well, you know Peter. We're going to move on to Bravo now. We're going to move on to whoever he is. That's what Peter likes, you know, Peter, we're going to move on to Bravo now. We're going to move on to Beverly Hills because that's what Peter likes, you know?

I hate her. So we're going to start with Beverly Hills. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. What did you guys think of this week's episode? Boring. Portia said it best when she was sitting eating with her hands and feet on the counter. On the counter.

Did you have fun with mommy? Bowing! America said the same thing. She was more articulate than any of the women this week um so basically this is one of those episodes where they kind of scrap together random scenes and try to sort of put it under the guise of this is like what mothering is about and graduation and i think the two main storylines were that kimberly graduating. Not Kim. Kimberly. Kim's daughter. But she named after herself because that's not weird. Yeah. I know. Only guys can do that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. And most of them are named Dick. Well, to be... Like, there's a bunch of Richards who name themselves. Like, they name all their children Richard. And it's like, great. A pack of dicks.

Why is it always that name? Did you guys invite that bag of dicks? So the good part about this Kimberly's graduation was that it gave us an opportunity to see Kathy Hilton. Kathy Hilton came on by. Oh, Kathy Hilton. What a... What a... You were going to say cunt because she was.

She, you know, she came knocking on the door. She was like, I hear there's a camera rolling somewhere in this neighborhood. And she's like, why is everyone wearing such shitty cheap clothes? Oh,

because they're not you, bitch. Yeah, and also, you're wearing a leopard print muumuu. Who the fuck are you judging? You look like you ate

Tyne Daly as a snack. With a tiny ostrich color bag. a costume from Hairspray. Like, what are you, shut up, get out of here,

Tracy Turnblatt. Get out of here. I know. Get out of here. Yeah. So basically nothing happened. That's the story line. No, nothing. There was nothing except showing how Kathy Hilton, how her sisters, Kim and Kyle, can't stand her. Because they're like, well, that's our sister.

And she always... I love how Kyle calls out Kathy for being so rude to everybody. Look who's fucking talking. Yeah. The second Kyle walks into anyone's house, she's like, oh, nice house. Yeah, what happened? Looks like hardwood floor lumber liquidators came in here.

The other exciting things that happen in Kyle's world is that she made a big announcement being like, I don't want to bring the negativity into my home. Caught to her going up to Marisa and being like, can you believe what all the girls have been saying about you? And then as he, mid-Coke smell, he goes,

take a sip of water, dude. You're cotton mouth is killing you. Yeah, he's way too defensive. I don't know what these ladies are talking about the way that they're talking about me. That's really not fair. It's like my character. Okay, I'm going to give you a kiss, sweetie.

Oh, thank you. The best lip gloss ever. The best lipstick. I love lip gloss. Don't worry. Especially yours. Yeah, it's like, what kind of stripper fucking thing is that? So here's where I really take issue with Kyle Richards.

So she and Mauricio get into a big, they get really pissed off because Lisa only tweeted out that Mauricio, that she never believed that Mauricio would cheat on Kyle two months after the allegations came out. So they're mad, like two months too late. But as we were saying, as we were watching, whatever happened to the idea that maybe Lisa just wanted to stay out of it, which is exactly Kyle's line for the past two seasons. Yeah. Like whenever Kyle didn't defend Lisa, when Lisa was being attacked by Adrian,

Kyle said, I just, I didn't want to be in the middle. I didn't want to be in the middle. I was getting in trouble in the middle. So how about think for a second that maybe that's what Lisa was doing. And the only reason Lisa tweeted two months later, you know, they said it was almost like a bad thing. Like, oh, as soon as Lisa gets dragged into it, then she tweets out.

Well, yeah, of course she's defending herself. She's defending herself because you are such, I think Kyle, and I'm going to say this on record, is the biggest hypocrite of all. She can dish it out to every single person, but she can't take it. At least Brandy, as flighty as she is, can dish it out.

But when someone gives it back to her, she just takes it. She does. Because she knows. Well, kind of. Last week she started slipping with her, I don't like being called a bullying from my kids oh yeah 20 times but the thing with that that killed me was that kyle was like i don't like that she didn't defend me on red carpets or on twitter

first of all carpets i mean what the fuck red carpets does lisa go to like the dancing with the stars things i guess where like there's literally like those golfing greens except they're red. And they walk down those every night. That's what she's supposed to say. I'm enjoying Dancing with the Stars. No, I don't believe Kyle's sleeping with her husband's banging trannies in an alley. How do you bring that up on that carpet? You don't.

And why would she even have... She doesn't have other things going on in her life. She owns multiple restaurants. She's opening up a new bar. I mean, that vlog? She's on Dancing a new bar. I mean, that vlog. She's not dancing with the stars. Yeah. That fashion vlog.

She is, I mean, like her daughter runs the Divine Addiction. I mean, her hands are full. Her hands are way full. And the other thing was Kyle was saying, well, you know, then all the stories came out about how they weren't supporting me. And then they were responding to him. Well, who's putting out those stories, bitch? Yes. You were. I wonder. Well, who's putting out those stories, bitch?

You were. I wonder who is because it's personal information. So the only people that would know that is Kyle. Kyle knows everyone at all of those magazines. All of the TMZs and the OMGs. She's the Jill Zarin and the Adrienne Malou. She is. And then she's shocked when people are like, I would never sell stories. The fact that you know you can even make money by selling a story says you sold a story.

Yeah, absolutely. Don't be a crazy bitch. I didn't know you could sell stories. I have a wealth of stories, but I also have a fucking conscience. So you know what? I'm not going to make my money off of someone's misery. She's going to give them to us for free on this podcast. That's why.

That's why. You know, the thing that's so offensive on those shows amongst the women is not the selling of the story. I mean, it's not the giving the stories. It's the selling. You never hear anybody say, I never spoke to Radar Online. You hear them say, I never sold a story to Radar Online. Yeah.

Meaning I may have told my friend who then sold the story. No one ever just says, I never said that. That's crazy. Well, it's like they blew sperm all over Radar Online's blue dress. It's like they did not have sex with that woman. Ever. And on top of that, though, the fact that they care so much about... You didn't tweet in my defense.

I mean, it's so ridiculous. I mean, Twitter didn't exist. How about just saying, like, shut up? Yeah. What would they have to talk about? What would their fights be about? Here's the thing. The truth is this.

We talk about Mauricio because we have a podcast. We talk about the gossip and the rumor. It pertains to the podcast. Or because we're at lunch or, like like at church. But the truth is this. In total honesty, if we were not doing this podcast, would any of us really give a shit if Mauricio...

I wouldn't even be watching this bullshit. Actually, I would not be watching Vanderpump Rules. I'm not gonna lie. Or Shazza Sunset. I would watch Shazza. No, I'd watch Vanderpump now because it makes me feel so great about me. But the thing is, I feel like I've done so much in my life. Like I've said in the past, the only good thing about Shaz is that it's helping this

country be more okay with bombing Iran. You're like, women and children died. You're like, eh? Exactly. Have you seen what they turned into? Have you seen Diamondwater? I'm like, they did nothing about that this week diamond water yeah well how much could they do well they've got to work on a new fucking

lid or whatever five hundred thousand dollars i mean come on come on it's water it's not like she's coming up with some creative formula and it's water that some fat stinky hairy chick breathed all over with burning sage like that's. That's so not sanitary. Get out of here. I'll drink from the faucet. But it's better than black water. I'll drink diamond water before I drink black water. At least there's fluoride in the faucet.

Black water's black. But what is it that makes it black? It's Jersey. That's what makes it black. What makes it black? It was made in New Jersey. It's got minerals or something. We looked it up.

It was like some kind of sulfite something or other that helps autism. Oh, right. That's the, oh God. This is another Kim Kardashian thing where it's like you take someone's absolute horrible thing that's happened to them and you turn it into, you know, a way to sell your shit. I think that is, oh. And also it's just BLK. That's not black.

That's bulk. It's bulk water. And also, by the way, blackwater, I say this every time, but way to align your brand with one of the most infamous security, evil security firms of all time, Blackwater,

which is like basically attack people in Iraq, all that stuff. They wouldn't know that. Look at us being up on semi-current affairs. Well, yeah, because we watched 24.

Yeah, exactly. And the Blackwater scandal was like 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, that's how I know about it. Me too. That's how I knew too. I looked it up. I was like, this ago oh yeah that's how I know about it me too that's how I knew too I looked it up

I was like this is real oh god thanks Kiefer Sutherland yeah this is everyone all the listeners at home

you're welcome by the way so my friend you're not only a disgusting yogurt drink you're also a very informative packet Kiefer my friend Neil by the way

listens to this and he's like a professor at Princeton and he's very smart and up on all these things and every time we talk like this we're like yeah Blackwell that firm from whenever and ever it drives me nuts in like a good way well listen I watch CNN daily so I do

know current events but I'm not gonna lie I think that it's been pretty bad that now it's turned all entertainment every single news has been Justin Bieber gets a full sleeve tattoo on CNN. On CNN. I'm not watching Access Hollywood Live. I'm watching the thing. Like the youth market. What 13 year old is fucking watching CNN worrying about

what's happening in Iraq? I saw a commercial for Richard Blaze's new cooking show that's going to be on Headline News. I was like, what? How is this on HLN? This makes no sense. Wait, HLN? Headline News. That's supposed to be like 30 minutes

of news cycle, and now it's just stupid stuff. Whereas the Loretas would call it Helen. Yeah. Helen. Helen. Oh my God. Have you seen that cooking show on Helen?

Oh my gosh, Helen. I'd rather, I would rather brag and say, yeah, I had a hit show on TV Guide Network, than say, I have a cooking show on Helen. My God. I feel like I've got a one-up on Richard Blaze. Richard Blaze from Top Chef.

Oh, that was actually an unintentional Bravo tie-in. I was on Hallmark Home and Family with him, actually. Oh, really? What is that show? I always see you posting photos of that. What is it? Hallmark Family? him actually. Oh really? What is that show? I always see you posting photos of that. What is it? I'm a beauty expert on Hallmark Home and Family. It's an

Emmy nominated daily talk show with Mark Steinus who used to be I think. I used to have a crush on him when I was younger. He's really good looking and his body is crazy ripped. Oh yeah. He does that P90 Insanity. Oh my goodness. I need some chocolate. I know me too. That just made me want like. Don't get me started on P90.

Sean T. You guys, Katie has chocolate that's made with bread in it. Has brioche pieces in it. Oh my god. It goes great with red wine. It's like a full meal. Basically like a Bloody Mary. You can see it, you can learn all about it

on Richard Blaze's Headline News cooking show. Yeah, well he cooked, he cooked it. So which one's Richard Blaze again? I forget. He had the faux hawk. He won all sorts of stuff. Oh, okay. Oh yeah, you don't like him? No. I think it faux hawk. He won all sorts of stuff. Oh, yeah.

You don't like him? No. I think it's his voice. He's monotone. I like him now. I like him now. He's egotistical. But he's very monotone.

And I think it's hard to be around a person who every single sentence and the way they talk is exactly like this and there's no expressions and that's the way it is. And you're like, are they done with the sentence? Yeah. There's no like, oh my God, the best day of my life. I hate people on reality shows who, like, deserve to win. They're like, I'm here because I deserve it. I got fucked the first time.

That's like every episode of Chopped. So anyway, back to Beverly Hills. I mean, it's not the kind of stuff you want to do. Yeah. Back to Beverly Hills. So we agree, Kyle is the worst. Okay. So now, elsewhere in the world of Beverly Hills,

what else happened? David Foster got a... All right. So David Foster got a star on the worst. Okay. So now, elsewhere in the world of Beverly Hills, what else happened? David Foster got a... All right. So David Foster got a star on the Walk of Fame. And the way Yolanda talked, she made it sound like it was her star. Oh, my God. Did you hear what she said when she was like, you'll know behind every guy is the wife. And it's like, he was with Linda Foster for like 20 years.

So you have nothing to do with why I will always love you is a hit song. Sorry. Yeah, exactly. Congratulations on inspiring that single that came out last year. I met Linda Foster. She's very nice. Uh,

some party. And I was like, Hey, listen, I have to talk to you and tell you, I saw you on that show and I was not, I still say to my friends whenever we fight, you guys look at the ocean.

It was here before us and we'll be here long after and i started cracking up you know i'm obviously making fun of her like in a lighthearted way and she was like well it's true and you know those women embarrass womanhood they are an embarrassment she's right about that she's right about that i won't go on that show anymore i mean how embarrassing can you be? And she was friends with Taylor. Like her and Taylor Armstrong were friends.

So the fact that Linda won't appear, good. She is better than that. Good for her. Good for her. And she's a songwriter.

She's successful. She stood by David Foster for so long. And I heard that she's actually very nice. My friend is actually like besties with her

and says that she's you know what, like a really stand-up woman and a good lady. And she's not a gold digger weirdo. So Linda Thompson, her name's Thompson, right? No.

Linda Thompson, we salute you for... We salute you, Linda Thompson. Yeah, Linda Thompson. You stand up for her. You know, let's give a cheers to Linda Thompson. A cheers to Linda Thompson.

Cheers to you, Linda Thompson. I almost said Linda Foster, but it's Linda Thompson. So David Foster got a star. How did you feel about that, Katie? Well, I mean, here's the thing. Anyone can buy a star at the Wacca fan. Yeah, exactly.

It's like $35,000. You go to the chamber. You have a couple fans right in and sign a petition, and there you go. We're in. Yeah. The Wacca crap and stars is right around the corner. And by the way, where my salon is on the W, I think I'm going to put High Society over there, my tea bar.

And literally, that's where Babyface just got his start. And there's a couple different openings. So if you see a WWCL. Babyface right by a place that you can get a facial. Oh my God. Actually, you're right. Right? Oh my God.

You're so right. Right? Oh my God. You're so cute. He is a handsome man. By the way, every time Katie throws a party, you show up and there's someone like baby face there. This is so great

that we're doing this podcast. You shouldn't even be on this podcast, Katie. You're just like, you hang out with people much closer than you are. No, but my real friends are here. This is my joy in life.

This is my love. And by the way, look at me. I literally had to unbutton my top button because I'm sitting with my legs crossed and fat. I was so stuffed in myton my top button because I'm sitting with my legs crossed and fat.

I was so stuffed in my fucking jeans. That's the post-Thanksgiving show. That's why I've only had three pieces of chocolate. Yeah, exactly. And by three pieces, he means bars. So we also got to see some of Yolanda's family. That was fun, too. I thought it was creepy the way she jumped on the bed with her brother and then smacked his butt.

I thought it was dickish of her to be like oh you are too big for the bed and then she's like look at this picture of you so young it's like why are german why do germans hug each other with cunty remarks like every german i know does that whatever why does everybody who talk like this yeah talk to each other constantly yeah like almost like a lisp and the best is when they start speaking in Dutch yeah to each other about the mayonnaise that part freaked me out

and the fact that we had to listen to it twice like I was like I can't well I like listening to people speak other languages isn't that like this mayonnaise

I was like and is everybody over there too lazy to chop a damn vegetable that sandwich was bread with ham and mayonnaise I know a side of lemons

that someone posted on our Facebook they're like what is this one with their fucking lemons it's like a whole lemon cut in half I know. A side of lemons that someone posted on our Facebook. They're like, what is this one with their fucking lemons? It's like a whole lemon cut in half. I know.

We get it. You have a fucking lemon tree. I do too. Do you see me? What if I was like, hey you guys, fuck the wine and the chocolate. I bring an entire thing

of Japanese figs and some lemons cut up because I have that right back here. Well, I wouldn't like the figs. I'll tell you that much. By the way, speaking of chopping things.

I've got some mint smelling like pee. What about, speaking of chopping, what about Portia chopping up a cucumber? Who lets their little tiny child with a big knife and dirty little fingers and fingernails chop up celery? Or furthermore, lets the kids sit on, by the way, every child, all of Kyle's kids were sitting on the counters. Where they prepare food.

I know. They're all going to get ass salmonella. Yeah. And I don't know who's going to get it, the chicken on the counters. Where they prepare food. I know. They're all going to get ass salmonella. Yeah. And I don't know who's going to get it, the chicken or the kids. I think that Kyle and Maurizio leave the kids every night and go out to dinner, and they don't care if it's sanitary. I mean, kids eat boogers. But here's the thing.

I'm just going to say this at one point, because I am such a huge fan of Taco Bell. Yeah. I think it's really unfair that Taco Bell used to put green onions on their Nachos Primes and their nachos Val Grande, which was like my, I lived for fancy. Yeah. And their pinos and cheese with sour cream. They had chopped green onion. It was like a staple. All of a sudden somebody gets like salmonella or like distillery, but no, it's because there was a guy, a migrant worker was in the field picking the green onion, took a dump wiped his hand with his

wiped his butt with his hand continued without wiping his hands off the green onions never got washed, got chopped up and went on to... Is that true? That's actually true. But how did they know that the migrant worker did that? They traced it back. Oh my god. And that migrant worker was Portia. The little girl.

Was one of Kyle's... When the cameras go off, the kids go in the fields but that's why so thanks a lot fucking migrant workers yeah thanks a lot I mean on the other hand

thank you for bringing us Taco Bell right and thank you for fresh strawberries because that is not an easy job that's why I'm all for

immigrant reform this will all be discussed this will all be on Richard Blaze's Helen show don't you worry let them stay and let will all be on Richard Blaze's Helen show. Don't you worry. Let them stay and let them have a driver's license.

I don't care. As long as they're washing their hands. Well, you know, Peter, you know, he loves to go out in the fields and he loves to pick the green onions. Hold on, Peter. He doesn't like to wipe his ass because, you know, like, that's just the way he expresses Hold the phone. Do you remember when she said hold the phone? Like, when's the last time you actually heard somebody say, oh my god, hold the phone?

She puts her hand up and I'm like, what phone are you going to hold? Hold the phone. Press the holds. Press the holds. Please, put it on pause. Okay, Peters? Peters. Peters.

So anyway, what else happened? Oh, so Brandy did not have a lot going on. Brandy, you know, I love that it's taking so long for everybody happened oh so Brandy Brandy did not have a lot going on Brandy I love that it's taking so long for everybody to realize that Brandy has nothing behind her eyes all Brandy has

is a skinny body and a C wordy attitude we should just name this whole podcast the C word I think you know what though she has

it is cancer yeah she does she does have something behind her eyes and you know who would know it? Carlton.

Because Carlton can look into her cat's eyes. Her black cat named Midnight, very on the nose. She could look into Midnight's eyes and see the pain being released through the acupuncture. Oh my God. She got her cat and she goes, I don't think this is LA. It's not like I gave him a facial. Okay. So I'm sorry.

The acupuncture on your cat makes it more normal than giving your cat a fucking facial. Yeah, my cat might be in pain. Let's stick needles into its head. I mean, what the fuck? It looked like Hellraiser. It didn't like it. Who does? I know.

You're sticking needles into the cat's head. This is what happens when you accidentally get crazy and do some black magic, you know. Well, you know what? Which you swore you would never do again. But not the evil cat. Why does every storyline that Carlton's evolved in have to do with pussy? and do some black magic, you know? Well, you know what? Which you swore you would never do again. But not the evil kind. What is, why does every storyline that Carlton's involved in

have to do with pussy? Every single one. And she did make out with, well, that was what was so stupid that the episode ended with this thing like, Brandy being like,

I met up with Carlton last night. And it's like, who cares? But then Carlton's like, why do you have to tell every single ounce of your life cut to two seconds later they're making out

in a hot tub? That's like someone saying, you made out with a chick who looks like Chuck Woolery. Wow. You guys want a balloon, a hotter balloon ride in Portland, Oregon. It's like, I don't want that. I want to go to Maui. Seriously.

So basically nothing happened on the episode. I think we covered it. Well, Joyce got a facial at Kyle's crazy facial place where they put a tagine on your face. Oh, yeah, the tagine. And stick electricity through your veins. I think it looked like that little thing that Kenny wore on South Park.

Like his little... Oh, my God. It was like Kenny. Except every week here, it said that they didn't kill Kyle. Oh, my God. Those bastards! She's still fucking here.

Oh, my God. It's tagine. It was a tagine in the face so rockin face mask so beverly hills i think that's it should we offensively boring but but next week i still cannot wait to see there's gonna be a everybody turning against lisa oh yeah coming soon that is coming and here's why because i was watching an episode of watch what happens live just recently and brandy when they said oh so what's going on with have you talked to lisa and she was like oh that's what she said that was her answer she said we're not talking right yeah but she also went oh remember yeah no there's a big there's a big there's a lot of gossip or rumors that i

don't know why no one's going to twitter to debunk them but uh there are a lot of rumors about that uh that lisa and brandy got into a huge fight because Brandy tried to call out Lisa and Lisa was like, I won't have that darling. Calling her out for what? I don't know. We'll see. She's calling her the puppet master in the previews.

But also Brandy said in some interview that she's mad because Lisa is trying to make Sheena a star and get her her own spin off and all this stuff. And she's like, that girl fucked my husband and I can give her a pass. But the fact that Lisa's trying to get her a spinoff, I mean, come on. I'm offended. I want an apology. Wait, why would Sheena get a spinoff? I know.

Like, what are you going to do? What is going on in her life? You know, it'll be like Wipeout. Like, every single episode will be Sheena on an obstacle course getting hurt. I would watch that. I don't know what it's like to take the bus home every night. I know. Sheena,

I mean, as much as I have to say, you know, I've been at events with her. She's always been very nice to me so I can't, and sometimes she'll Twitter me, like she private messaged me

on my birthday and was like, happy birthday, I wish Mikey and I could come to your party. But he's crying right now because he got in a fight with a girl.

And we have a flat tire in Azusa right now. I mean, here's the thing. There's going to be a motorcycle rally in Azusa, so we have to go to that. I'm sorry. I'm team. If I have to pick a side. They're giving out free hummingbird tattoos in Azusa, so we have to go to that. No, but listen.

You guys, if you had a choice out of all the ladies on Vanderpump Rules, and I say ladies with a stretch because I mean little bitchy fucking cunty girls. Who, what team would you be on? The blonde girl. The hostess. Oh. The older one, the partner. Nathalie. Nathalie.

No, she doesn't count. Yeah. The people of like this one. I would do the new blonde girl. Adriana. Adriana. Yeah, blonde girl. Which one's Arianna now?

The one that I think slept with Tom. You know, don't you hear about her weird chemistry? Did you hear about her weird chemistry? Did you hear about her weird chemistry? I don't know. Waiters all look the same to me, don't they? No, I'm just kidding. So basically, I'm going to say this right now. I'm team Sheena.

Out of them, yeah. She's definitely the best. She's like the best of that group. She wants to be friends with them and she wants to do stuff. And everyone's being so fucking catty and mean to her. They're bullying her. They really are. But that being said, Sheena does open the door for it. Sheena, you have to watch yourself on TV and learn from it.

Because you're being ridiculous this season. Last season, I was behind. Last season, I was with her. This season, the fame got into your head a little bit. And you're being just ridiculous. I'm not going to do that. But I spent today curling my hair and doing my makeup. Well, first of all, that's sad that you spent your whole day.

Two hours? I mean, that's sad. It takes me five minutes to get ready. I'm not kidding. I can do my full makeup. I can sit here right now and in less than five minutes be done. Me too. Little mascara, little blush, little lip gloss, little bronzer out the fucking door.

What more do you need to do? That was a good Sheena moment. I mean, not Sheena, Stassi moment. She's like, she uses a fire hydrant to put on her makeup every day. A fire hose. A fire hose. And suddenly today she's going to pull back. Today she's going for a natural look.

Stassi was right. You know, that's the thing with this cast. I guess we're going to go on to the Vanderpump Rules right now. Oh, yeah, because Beverly will afford me. Yeah, we'll go with Vanderpump Rules. Which is that it's always like a lazy Susan of who's the worst. Because once you think you've found, like, this person's the worst, the lazy Susan rotates and someone else is the worst, and the person you thought was the worst says something that's

kind of true. Yeah. So then you're like, oh, fuck, no, Stassi's not the worst, Kristen's the worst. And then that moves, and then it's like, oh, wait, no, Sheena's the worst, because Kristen just made fun of her, that was funny. And then it moves, and oh, no, Sheena's actually okay, we're back to Stassi. So who do you think was the worst this episode? Stassi. Oh, Stassi.

For sure. This is like classic Stassi. Also Jax is kind of the worst. Alright, so let's summarize. Because he doesn't know he has cancer, yet he's telling everyone else. Jax found a lump under his nipple. Okay, look. It's called a nipple. There's a lump with a little brown spot with a little thing sticking out.

That's a nipple. Not a lump. You don't need to get a biopsy in a nipple. Yeah. There's a lump with a little brown spot with a little thing sticking out. That's a nipple. Yeah. Not a lump. You don't need to get a biopsy in your nipple. He's like, I've got two now. He's like, I'm going to start designing sweaters for nipples now. Oh, my nipples. Nipples have a little sweater on it.

A little cozy. He's kind of the worst because he shaves his chest and probably has an ingrown hair. Like, that's probably what it is. What if it is an ingrown hair like that's probably what if what if it is an ingrown hair it's probably like an askew like hpv cyst or something it was like dropped off his face yeah it's chest papilloma it's cpv chest papilloma virus i'm just calling it out there i mean yeah i can i can say this because i i don't even know how this happened luckily skate through life because i thought i was going to be a statistic.

I am HPV free. I know. Can you believe that? I'm 36. A lot of women are like that. They're not. So I feel like I can make fun of it because so many people have it. I thought, of course, you know, college.

Of course, I have it. But believe it or not, I don't. Jack's, no fucking way. He's got it all. He's a sponge. You hug him. That guy has everything. I won't even go near him because I feel like I made it. Jax, no fucking way. He's got it all. He's a sponge. You hug him. That guy has everything. I won't even go near him because I feel like I've made it this far in my life without that.

He's that guy who will never get a cold because he's had every strain of everything already. You know what he is? You know what Jax has under his nipple? Robot horns? He has, what you see on the news like the urban legend like he has like a spider egg and like someone's going to pop it

and like little baby spiders are going to come out of his nipple. That's what it is. I think he's probably got like Stassi's

pinky you know press on. He's got an alien actually. Stassi has impregnated him with her alien child. It's like aliens.

It's going to pop out except instead of out of his stomach it's going to pop out of his nipple and then attach itself onto someone's face you know what

I feel like we could craft a really good movie out of these reality shows I'm just saying I think so Jax his name is already very sci-fi-ish

so I think we should just name the character Jax Jax there's no need to make it up I wish it was spelled like it sounds J-A-C-K apostrophe S

yeah that's the only thing he was planning instead his name is spelled after like an sounds. J-A-C-K apostrophe S. Yeah. That's the only thing he was glad about. Instead, his name is spelled after like an airport code. Jackson. Otherwise,

it would be J-A-P-O-S-T-O-R-F-E-A-X. Let's go to Jack's house. Jack's. It means like Jeux Harmonie Exchange. Okay, that's, you know what,

I apologize. That came off as a stereotype, but you know what, as a person who travels a lot, whatever, when I meet people and I want to know their name, it's always like a something, apostrophe. I'm like, why is that necessary?

Like, je t'aime. So when I meet people that are like, je chante, or you know. Because they want a reason to complain when they go into a tourist shop and can't find their name on a magnet. I was like, this is missing an apostrophe. Damn it! Stop victimizing me, Disney! So wait, let's back

up here a little bit for anyone who shockingly did not watch this Russian show. Why are you even listening? So here's what happened, okay? To anyone who was reading a book. So Stassi, anyone who was like enriching their lives, Stassi and Kristen, horse face number one, they were like going

through clothing, because Kristen, number one, she needs to get a passport photo done because she's Have you ever seen someone go that like planning her jewelry? Do you know what a passport photo looks like? Do you know what you look like in a passport? It's like it's like whatever talk amongst yourselves I look like the Lebanese Tony Soprano in mine Katie's gonna go get her passport in the meantime So this this is what happens so Kristen decides she needs a passport photo cuz I don't know where the hell she's going to go get her passport. In the meantime, this is what happens. Kristen decides she needs a passport photo because I don't know where the hell she's going.

Maybe she's going to Bakersfield and thinks she needs to go through customs or something like that. She's going to the International Food Court at the mall and she's like, wait, I've got to get my passport. She's going to France so she can be around other women who get cheated on all the time and have to pretend that it's not happening. I think she needs to be informed that the Paris casino

is not actually in Paris. Oh my god, wouldn't you die? She's like, well, I'm going to be informed that the Paris casino is not actually in Paris. Oh my God. What are you dying for? She's like, well, I'm going to Las Vegas and we're staying at the Venetian so I need to get my pass. I'm going to Las Vegas.

Yeah, the first one is Las which is totally Mexican. We're going all around the world. We're going to the Venetian then we're going to Paris. There's the two most important. And then we're going to New York, New York. I just took this photo

for my global entry card which PSA or... What's a global entry card? Oh, that is... Oh my God. Katie's can go anywhere now. Yeah, that's my tsa pre-card so i can go anywhere i don't have to take my shoes off don't have to take my laptop out kind of amazing okay this is my passport photo do you think i planned this no this is what happened i went to a oh my god katie yeah you look totally different see what i'm saying like? Like, this is crazy. Crazy.

But I did plan my driver's license photo. So anyway, but the point is this. So in the middle of all this, Jax calls up and he's like, guess what? I found a lump. I think I might have cancer. I'm going to the hospital. So Stassi gets off the phone. She immediately, Dr. Stassi with her medical degree and her journalism expertise with The Daily Addiction.

It's like my papa with his fucking WebMD. He knows everything wrong with everybody. They say that's dangerous to look at that. Yeah, so, oh, this is very nice. I made him take it twice. I like this, the DMV photo. So anyway, so Stassi turns to Kristen and goes, do men get breast cancer? Kristen, you know, horse face, doesn't even know what's happening. She looks like she's 95.

So these two brains go onto their iPhones and they decide Jax doesn't have cancer. Now, to be fair, Jax probably does not have cancer. Jax does not have cancer. But this is supposed to be their friend. Who pre-announces cancer? I mean, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That's actually, who announces cancer? Kim Zolciak.

Oh, I like that. Kim Zolciak does that. That's true, that's true. I guess she did start the trend. But the point is this. These are supposedly their friends. And instead, they just go back to trying on clothes. Can you believe that?

And then Stassi makes a point of going, and then I got to push these puppies up. And she's pushing her big fakies. And for having fake boobs, they're not good. Fake boobs should be firm and pretty and tight. They should be stapled to your ribcage. Stay up forever. Those things look like two little Christmas hams. No, they look like two, the very bottom part of pantyhose with sand in them.

Nothing about that is cute. Rocks and socks. So anyway, Jax comes back from the doctor and starts to... Let's go running. So Jax comes back to the doctor and... That's how you beat someone without giving them bruises. Rocks and socks. Rocks and socks.

Or oranges. Or a phone book. Or a phone book. And then you punch someone behind the phone book. Oh, God. Or just hit them and say a door did it. Or just make them stare, watch this show, and then they'll just... Or you just do the whole typical,

I fell down the stairs and hit only my eye on the doorknob. Right, honey? Yeah. So anyway, so speaking of abusive situations, Stassi comes over to see Jax, and she basically then berates him. Well, I mean, it's hard not to berate Jax, but admittedly, the kid was scared.

What if he did have a cancerous lump inside, which is a total possibility, and this is very scary, and it does run in his family. Yeah. What if it was? The fact that she turned it around on him

makes her, hands down, the worst fucking person ever. Yeah, exactly. And then she starts harping on his stupid sweater line, which we agree really is the most ridiculous thing.

It is truly, it is more ridiculous than Sonia Morgan's toaster oven is Jackson's sweater line. It's like me having a cooking, like having like pots and pans line. Like it's never going to happen. My own blender line. I'm going to come out with my own little hand weights. I love smoothies, so I came out with my own blender. I'm coming out with tractors, the Ben Mandelker tractor series. I came out with a new product called M&M's.

But what I love is, so she's, but to be fair, this is what I'm talking about again, the lazy Susan effect. Because while Stassi's being awful and berating Jackson, like, you're so awful, then she actually starts making really good points, which is like, why do you think you could be a sweater guy? Why do you use sweater design? He's like, I'm going to meet with a guy. I'm going to meet with a guy.

He's like, where are your sketches? He's like, I'm going to meet with a guy. His response to everything is, I'm going to meet with a guy. He's like, it actually really works out because my cancer doctor is also a sweater designer. My cancer doctor looked really cold and I thought he could use a sweater.

Turns out he totally wants to make them also. So we're going to totally have this great chemo for sweaters bar system. But then she turned it into herself. What? What are you looking at? What are you looking at? Ronnie's looking at the grandmas.

I'm looking at, no, I've already posed with those. I'm looking at your book called Finding My Voice. Oh, someone gave it to Walter as a gift. So, wait. It's just such like a housewives thing. Like, I found my voice and I'm staying in this neighborhood forever. Porsche gift. It's just such a housewives thing. Like, I found my voice and I'm staying in this neighborhood forever.

Portia. What's Portia? She is the best one. I found my voice and if my husband wants me back, he can call me and listen to my voice. Yeah, Portia's is like a non-sequitur. She's like, I found my voice and now I'm going out to the movies. He's just like, what? Huh? Okay. I found my voice and I'm staying at my out to the movies. He's just like, what? Huh? Okay. It's like, I found my voice.

No, she's like, I can stand on my own two feet. That's what it is. And that's why I'm sitting down. I'm stepping out alone, and I can stand on my own two feet. Mama, please, don't let me out. Clean my closet, bitch. Oh, poor show. So anyway, so Jax.

All right. So I'll see you all in a minute. She turned it around. And instead of maybe... Okay, so she already berated him about his could-be cancer. Then she starts harping down on his sweater line. Okay, but there's one thing about the sweater line. And maybe this is living in Los Angeles too much.

But why can't he just come out with a sweater? Actually, he could. What the fuck? If he wanted to. It's just hilarious because we know it's Jax. I mean, what, did Kenneth Cole sit around knitting his whole life? No, he's like, I bought a sweater, or whatever he's on. No, but that's the thing.

I bought a sweater. I think he's from Long Island, but all right. Then he's like, yo. Yo, can I get a sweater? Yo, mom, help. I'm not in a paycheque. Help me. Help me. Did you watch princesses no i refused oh you didn't get picked up right i don't know but probably they're making a princesses uh beverly hills i think i heard

i think so you really missed out it was a great no i can't i did terrible things for my people terrible things exactly are you from i'm from for my people. Exactly. Are you from? I'm from New York, but I'm Jew. Oh, but it made Jewish Long Island people look like the worst people ever. They look like the worst. I ran into, last time I saw my cousins from Long Island, I was like, what's wrong with you now? I'm like, you're not like that, right? It's just awful.

Like, I'm 26. I need to get married so I can go down to Florida. What's the problem? I'm like, oh my God, who like oh my god don't they have Jim's in Long Island yeah you're pretty pretty funny looking that was like the big funny looking oh that's funny you're just going someone funny oh yeah she's got me funny looking real mature real mature she actually this girl this girl is in Montauk. She lives in Nassau County. She's upset.

The girls made her upset. She asks her dad to send a jet from Nassau to Montauk. A jet? By the time the jet takes off, it's already over Boston. The dad who calls her hot and grabs her. You know what Ash needed? She needs one of those new Amazon drones to pick her up and take her back. Oh my God, I've seen that.

That's amazing. I love it. And everyone's like, oh, haven't you seen the Hunger Games? It's terrifying. I'm like, no. What is it? Oh, you have to look it up. The Amazon Prime.

The Amazon Prime drones. What is that? When you order something, it'll be at your house in 30 minutes. They want to do it in five years. It's a video. No way. This is crazy. Yeah.

This is like, okay, this is like, if you ever saw that movie Batteries Not Included with Jessica Tambi. I loved it. I loved that movie. Yeah, me too. So it's basically like those little aliens, they are released from the Amazon fulfillment center. They drop a little yellow box at your doorstep and then they fly away.

There's a video, it's not a hoax. Oh my god, I hope they don't release those in Pakistan. Those people are traumatized. Oh my god, I know. That's what they... Can you imagine? They'll be like, here we're all gonna die! Oh wait, it's the phone book. Don't worry. Don't worry Mary. in Pakistan. Those people are traumatized. Oh my god, I know. That's what... Did you imagine? They'll be like, here, we're all gonna die!

Oh wait, it's the phone book. Don't worry. Don't worry, Mary. Oh no, this is Vicki Gumbelson's book. Oh my god. This is Vicki Gumbelson's pit-smelling bulls**t. Oh my god, do you know how many things I would send to those ladies? I would just send them by a drone and be like, etiquette books.

Oh yeah. You're a fat ceramic chef, Gchen i know oh my god so we i just need to make this point about like it's driving me crazy because literally i thought it went from good to to a little bit okay to moderate to just start getting bad to terrible to the fucking nail in the coffin for me was when Stassi painted nail. Yeah, that's right. The manicure finger. Yeah. Nice endorsement. Yeah. The painted nail in the coffin basically was when Stassi goes, you're basically taking away from everything that I've worked for. And I had to look at you guys and be like, what the hell is she talking about? I'll tell you what she's worked for. She has worked for a three-article catalog on the divine addiction,

which, as we all know, is like the pinnacle of the internet. Oh, see, now I know. Don't you know? It's Pandy's blog. Wait, have you gone on it? I have. It's terrible. Everything's written in like 24-plus.

I went on there last week, and I couldn't find any of the girls. It was like some random blonde girl. No, I read Stassi's article. If you want to wear a j tone, make sure you wear a jewel tone. Oh, God. If someone says jewel tone one more time, I'm going to punch them in the face. It's a jewel tone. It's a red dress.

Remember? It's a jewel tone. It's a sapphire scarf. It's not a jewel tone. I'm not naked. I'm wearing a diamond tone. Last time you were on the show, we were talking about how there was one episode where it was like,

summer is the perfect excuse to wear lashes. Oh yeah, that's right. Something like that. You can fan your mate. Oh my god, I'm telling you right now, Stassi to make that whole thing about her again. But then she leaves going, if Jax doesn't understand what type of person he is,

it's like, look at yourself in the mirror, you fucking evil devil woman from hell yeah she's she's she's truly one of the worst people of all time yeah she really is one of the worst

I agree but meanwhile in other awful people news we had um Kristen and Tom so the big issue was

that um Lisa Vanderpump pulled aside this woman Danny is that her? Oh, she's dreadful.

Some of this, like, there's this, there's like a low, like a JV, a JV, like, server, the one who started up all this shit last week. And Lisa's like, why is all this movement? When you're on the B team of Vanderpump Rules, it's time to just move home.

You know what, instead of Dani, it's like Randy. Yeah. So she's a total random that wants screen time. Yeah, and so this girl was like, she's like, well, I just, you know, I saw a weird chemistry and I felt like I had to tell people about it.

I feel like that was set up. Well, obviously. I really do. I feel like the producers went to her and said, listen, we'll give you 500 bucks. Just go to one of the girls while we film this scene and let's make sure the audio is good and just say, hey, you guys,

did you guys notice like a really weird chemistry? It's so harmless and such a really weird chemistry it's so harmless and such bullshit but now it's causing a whole episode in the first place they brought this beautiful girl that he's like friends with and fuck like jackson said he fucked her he did no jacks jack said that his friend tom fucked her yeah no they just they're just like goofing off. That's all. Wait, Jax said... Last week, Jax said that Tom told him that Tom had slept with Ariana. But also, Jax also was an idiot.

Oh, other Tom said that Tom. Right? I'm confused. Which Tom? Do you see our brains melting like we just saw the Ark in Indiana Jones right now? Can you hear the sound of our brains reducing to mush as we discuss this?

I know, I almost feel like I have to immediately go upstairs and look at one of my old books from college just so I can remember what it was like to study and work for a goal to be smart. To stimulate your brain. Wait, I have to actually figure out problems instead of, wait, which Tom is this? Is this the Tom that's with horse face

or the Tom that's with other horse face? I know. I want to apologize to Neil who's listening, who's going to go into his students tomorrow and his lecture's going to be like this uh, duh, duh. Because this is, it's like the ring. It's just going to like you know, you listen to this. The ring. You watch Vanderpump Rules. It's like in

five days, everyone's, you're going to get a phone call and it's like, guess what? Your brain is mushed now. Yeah. And you're just going to, it's like you're going to get a phone call and it's like, guess what? Your brain is mush now. Yeah. And you're just going to be a zombie. If a little girl with hair all over her face crawled out of a toilet and murdered everybody who watched Bravo, this world would be solved. There'd be like four people left. No, let me tell you something. If a little girl crawled out of a toilet at Sir, Lisa would be like, oh, she's a great

bartender. Let's put her in the lounge. You know who would be left in my house? It's Sir. By the way, you know, that's what Stassi is. Now that's Stassi. We want to know why Stassi's so evil. My housekeeper would show up to work and just be like,

Mrs. Wild Dirt. Mrs. Wild Dirt. Mr. Wild Dirt. What happened? You know what happened? Watch what happened. She's the only person that doesn't watch Bravo, so she's probably the fucking smartest person on the planet.

I'm fairly convinced that the entire staff of Vanderpump or Sir crawled out of a TV somewhere. And that's just what they do now. Can we please go there one night and then we can talk about it, like, maybe, like, in one of the upcoming things? I know. I think we should go and just... I think we should go, like, early enough and get a table and actually just record there. Yeah. Could you imagine?

We'll put a little stuff on. It'll be secret. No, we'll have to wear the glasses that have the spy cam so we could actually do video shots. Oh, those fame hordes will come right over if you ask them to. We'll just be like, hey, we're doing a podcast. You want to come do an interview? And they'll be like, shaz, active people

on the radio. Is that on iTunes? Because that's huge everyone has iTunes no and you could literally say we have four listeners

and two viewers and they'd be like oh my god I gotta do my makeup I might get famous I need four hours to do my makeup on my heart

from Wondery this is Black History for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for Black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards,

played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own,

she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So here's the only other significant thing that happened on this episode was that they

threw this stupid burlesque party, which is, who cares about that? Oh, God. But Sheena showed up and she... You know what? I will say, though, you've got to respect strippers after seeing those pieces of gelatinous wood shaking around like it was a rainstorm outside. Talking about Stassi and Horseface number two. What the hell were those two doing?

They did... They made it look like stripping is an actual skill. No, it was ridiculous that they actually had to say to each other, oh my God, I'm so nervous What the hell were those two doing? They made it look like stripping is an actual skill. No, it was ridiculous that they actually had to say to each other, Oh my God, I'm so nervous. I feel like we didn't practice enough. There were three moves. Bend down, stand up.

Bend down, turn around. Fan and blow a kiss. There you go. Happy birthday with your vagina to the guy with the plate toupee right behind you. Oh, poor Guillermo. Is that his name? Guillermo? Guillaume or something like that? No, it's Guillaume, right? Guillaume. You know, I've always liked the guy on the show. He seems nice and smart. Oh, man, he's got to get that toupee fixed. It looks wrong.

You can see the direct embrace. It looks like it was on Upside Down or Inside Out or something. I feel like Lisa just doesn't pay him. Because I remember when they were starting the restaurant on the show and she told him in Nathalie, which by by the way she only says that way so gay people don't feel like they have a list like everybody has a list

but I remember her telling him listen I've opened 25,000 restaurants so I'm not going to be there for this one you guys are going to be there 24 hours a day and they're like okay miss okay and then they open it he was like a bartender he's like Drake

he grew up in a rich town and then they open it. Well, because he was like a bartender. Like a bar, he started as like... He worked his way up. He's like Drake. He started from the bottom, now he's here. Yeah, she said he started from the bottom. He grew up in like a rich town in like Toronto, right? Yeah, Drake is like, started from Toronto,

now I'm here. Oh, like Kyle and Kim, when we were talking about what we were talking about. Listen, I like... We didn't get to go to college. We didn't get to go because you didn't apply, bitch.

Oh, can we please... I like Kyle. Kim is like, I went to a very untraditional high school. I didn't go to high school. I'm like, went to a very untraditional high school I didn't go to high school I'm like yeah that is untraditional

because there was no high school yeah it's not untraditional it's not even like you were homeschooled she didn't go we are such we are such queens

she said she went to an untraditional high school and she didn't even go to one no sorry I watched Fashion Queens I watched I watched 10 Minutes of It

for you Katie actually okay and tell me what you thought. It's unbearable. I can't. I can't. He was like, these are YSL's honey. Honey. And this is the pink cream Chanel honey.

This is real fur. I know. Real fur. And I'm like, do you know what died for that? You're disgusting. Do you know how many gay people you just got beaten up in high school? Yeah. Do you know how many? Thanks a lot for beaten up in high school like do you know how many

thanks a lot for all the things that gay people have worked for to like come out and be proud of who they are yeah way to just fucking jerk your

disgusting load all over everybody thanks showering them with your fucking and you know what this makes me feel better because for

a moment because sometimes when I see gay people harping like when I see our fellow gays being like really queeny and harping on every stupid little thing and I'm always like,

ugh, like, don't overdo it, but here I am sitting here being like, Kim Richards said she went to an untraditional high school. Okay,

but you don't have lipstick on while you're saying it. Listen, you could have, you know, you could have the lipstick on. You could have the lipstick on. You could, like,

rob Mel Carter's estate sale to, like, show up to do this. Do you have a couple of brushes and YSLs? Listen, you could have that, listen, listen, and YSLs? Listen, you can have that.

Listen, express yourself. Oh, well, you know, that's the way Peter expressed himself.

What you know what I say a piece that I like it. It's okay to express yourself.

Okay, dress however you want. I don't choose to dress that way. It's fine.

But the problem went to high school here. First edition like full on real first

print ones from like like 18 whatever. Holy gee. Yeah. The point is this. These people, Lawrence and Mr. J or whatever, Miss J or Derek J, they're just stupid. That's the problem. They have no knowledge of what they're talking about.

Exactly. That's the problem. I don't care what they're wearing. I mean, I think they look ridiculous. I think that if they didn't, I think that they just get by on life. I feel like a lot of gay guys probably don't even like penises. What about George?

He doesn't act like that. I just feel like if they talk like that they have a personality. They're like, oh, I'm part of a tribe or something. So they put that on. I think they're just being so fabulous. Meanwhile, the sugar... I'm sitting here.

You see that? I can't believe she had the nerve to wear that cap, please. No, it's not. I can't believe it. And then that lady

on there, like, trying to read a cue card. She's like, and me, there was me on the...

And then they're in the middle of talking. She goes, okay, I heard enough of that, right?

All right, moving on to our next topic. It's true all right by the way again we're not being mammy ish like and you're reading a card like it me while I'm sitting there last night like write something witty for you to say I'm so you're watching this show this would be like you do that winter winter fresh oh winter man that's what the pressure was the I'm like, I want to shoot myself right now. I know.

This is like, I'm like winter suicide coming up. Teenage suicide. Don't do it. I'm sorry. I think actually Bevy Smith, I actually feel like she is someone who is bright, but I don't think she's like a good host. She shouldn't be on TV. There's nothing natural about her hosting.

This is the difference. Like Lonnie Love is funny as a host. Okay. She's a comic. She's funny. She her hosting. This is the difference. Like, Lonnie Love is funny as a host, okay? She's a comic. She's funny. Whatever. When I think about these people, there's nothing that captivates me. Even if you had maybe just one crazy, queeny one that said the crazy thing. Yeah, there should be like Lawrence and then maybe...

Balance it out. Exactly. There should maybe be someone that's more like George... George Kassopoulos or whatever his name is. Stephanopoulos. Whatever his name is. Have someone like that. Like, okay, someone have like a crazy... George Kassopoulos, Stephan his name is. Stephanopoulos. Whatever his name is. Have someone like that. Okay, so have like a crazy...

Have a crazy Lawrence Washington whatever. And then have someone... But like if you have like this two crazy queens from Atlanta who walk around in heels who accuse each other of being label whores when they are actually both the biggest label whores of... They both are. When he was like,

Honey, I don't wear nothing faux. I don't wear nothing faux. well it's like i'm not trying to read that wasn't a read that wasn't a read i was like oh my god and you know what the fact that he said i was like you're right read is not a word that has ever happened as much as you say the word read i know but it's always people who claim that like when someone goes i am I am classy. I am classy. You're not. Yeah, I know. Okay, we're like, I know what I'm saying. One of my favorite moments of watching the Ricky Lake show, because I am classy like that, was this one woman. Which I can't do.

Was like, she was angry about something. And then, no, this is like the original Ricky Lake show. Oh, like the go Ricky. Yeah, go Ricky. And this one woman in the audience was like, you're a piece of trash. And the woman in the guest goes, excuse me, I am classy. So you know what you can do? You can kiss my ass.

I'm like, yeah, real classy. And the same thing. This is where my dad always likes to say, I've said this before, that woman does have a lot of class, all of it low. That's my dad's favorite line. Oh my God.

Please let me steal that line. Steal it, steal it. Wait, what's your dad's name? I feel like I should mention my dad's name because he would be mortified. Also, it's very private because he writes all the bumper stickers in Long Island and he doesn't want people to know who he is. He really does?

No, no. My dad doesn't write bumper stickers. My dad actually has a professional reputation and I don't want to sully it with this podcast. What's his name? Okay. Bill Crosby. Gary. Oh my god. I can't be larry um you know i just think that someone who can make a statement like that gets it and sees it and when these women are

finger pointing and snapping well she can suck my dick remember when lisa said that on the reunion of real housewives of miami yeah no because during the bus ride, when she looked at Joanna, I was like, you know what? You could suck my dick. That all of a sudden came out of nowhere, and I'm like, oh my God. That took her prim and proper and cutesy level to, you're right,

those women do have a level of classy. It's just very low. It's all very, very low. At the bottom, it's just a sm it's all very very low at the bottom it's it's it's just it's just a smidge lower than this podcast

okay but listen I don't think this is a non-classy podcast we have wine we have we have wine we have dark chocolate we are amongst Grammy Awards

I just got chocolate made with bread yeah we have Grammy Awards right over here if we were sitting in an apartment like Tom and Katie's I would fucking throw myself off of the balcony

listen Barbra Streisand sang out of this microphone okay actually she did. This is their studio mic that we're borrowing right now. This is the legacy. Movie scoring, so no mic needed.

People who need people. Oh my god, no auto-tune required. Oh my god, you guys, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Barbra Streisand! Oh, honey, thank you so much for being here. I'm exhausted. I'm retiring. What's the name of this podcast?

This is the last time I'm ever going to sing again. The tickets are $5,000. And five, six, seven, eight. Don't tell me not to laugh. Just like my mother. And then the next year, Barbara Streisand's in concert. She's retiring this year. Barbara Streisand announces she's about to expire more times than milk. Yeah,isand's in concert. She's retiring this year. Barbara Streisand

announces she's about to expire more times than milk. Yeah, but here's the thing. To be fair, everyone... This is the stupidest joke of all time,

but very funny. Last year I had an air snap. How dare you boo me? I just talked about fashion queens. Okay, but let me just tell you something. She expired more than milk.

Okay, that was mad me. I'm sorry. That actually was bad. I'm sorry. What was the line that we forgot to talk about tonight where she's like, you better,

um, consumption, or what was that? Oh my goodness. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh, Kristen,

so this is what happened. This is what we were, before we got way off topic. Ronnie, stop looking at the encyclopedia and getting yourself tasked. Okay, this is what,

I'm reading. No, no, what happens, no, what happens at this burlesque party so Kristen decided to confront Danny and she's like Danny or Danielle

oh that's right Rando she's like don't make don't start rumors about my boyfriend and she's like well I just saw a weird camera strip and then she goes don't make the consumption that you saw something that you didn't. And I was like, please, Peter, hold the phone. You know Peter.

Oh, I know Peter. You know Peter invented consumption because he was so sad. But the fact that she said, don't make the consumption that you know what's going on when you don't. She's like, I need to take a passport photo to go to school. With vines spray painted onto her face and a wig braid taped to her head.

Taking this whole thing real seriously. Why did she say consumption? Because she's very dumb. Why did she use the word consumption? Maybe she just watched Moulin Rouge. She's like, don't kill Nicole Kidman by consuming my boyfriend.

Yeah, don't consume that I did something like that. You know why she got tuberculosis? Because she went tubing at Lake Havasu. That's how you get tuberculosis. Nicole Kidman got a bloody cough because she accused my boyfriend of fucking the new waiter. No, because she consumed. But he fucked a new waiter.

She consumed something. A lot of people get consumption on Black Friday. If you double the C and add an S, you make an ass out of you and me. Wait, how does it... You know what? I never... I make an ass out of you and me. You know what?

I never get beef consommé because I'm like, I don't want someone making consumptions about me, especially not beef. Listen, I'm a, I don't want someone making consumptions about me, especially not beef. Listen, I'm a good girl. Don't consume, but I'm the type of person that would do something so rancid. Don't call me or sue me. By the way, this is really bad because we're actually not doing the horse face voice. Because the horse face voice is like, don't make assumptions about me. Oh my God.

That's the horse face voice. Wait, is that the horse face voice? The way horse face one talks is, she says, we're all really attractive at Sir, sorry. That's the horse face voice. Wait, is that the horse face voice? The way horse face one talks is, she says, we're all really attractive at Sir, sorry. That's the horse face voice. If you don't like hanging out with models, sorry. If you don't want to make assumptions about people, sorry. Okay, wait. But my problem is, what modeling has any of them actually done?

Well, you may have heard of the Penny Saver. I think you should have seen. There's a weed whacker. You may have been to the penny saver i think you should have seen there's a weed whacker you may have been to the um before and after section of reddit they're usually the before you know this is bullshit then i'm allowed to say i was a model because i used to model all the sports gear for dick's sporting goods you did yes i did i was a model for dillard oh and jc pennies i did jc pennies in seventh grade i was a model for dillard's. Oh, and JCPenney's. I did JCPenney's in seventh grade. I was a model for Dillard's, which is a big department store in Texas, because I was a fat child and I wore the fat jeans.

Wait, what were they called? They were called Husky. Husky. That's right. Oh, you were a little too... And you know, I believe that Kristen, I'm sure there's like a... Don't put fat people in. I'm sure there's like a billboard with Kristen on it, like in Alabama somewhere for a fireworks

depot, you know? Like, come to the montgomery firecracker depot no she's on when you go down through downtown la because you're trying to get on the 10 down in la i like the thought of downtown la yes because it's dwn tw at downtown yeah someone rings the bell yeah i don't have time to text the whole thing everyone Everyone knows where fucking downtown LA is. I'm not going to spell out D-O-W-N. I put D-W-N-T-W-N, Downton. If you're driving through Downton, LA, and you see that thing for free Chinese buffet during lunch,

and there's a giant thing that has three girls, and they're all like with their finger in their mouth. I really want to think about slutty, dirty vaginas while I eat my free Chinese food. Oh, and by the way, have you seen that thing next to where you live called the Las Vegas Seafood Buffet? I actually want to go to that. Please don't. I actually walked into it.

There's a lot of food there. That's disgusting. No one's in there. It's always empty. Guess why? Yeah, because everyone's got food poisoning. I know, but I like pickled lobster. Like, how can they keep the food fresh?

It sits there all day long. It's pickled. That's why. It's pickled. Have you ever had a pickled egg? They're actually delicious. Those are amazing. With salt and beer.

Oh, yeah. I live for it. Most things pickled are actually really good. Yeah. Ronnie. Yeah, Ronnie. You're such a fucking judge. Okay, Las Vegas Seafood Buffet.

Delicious. Let's go for your birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday. Guess what? You can have disinterry. We gave it to you for your birthday. Yeah, I just passed. Happy birthday. Guess what? You have dysentery. We gave it to you

for your birthday. Yeah, I just passed on consumption through your Sparkle's bottle. Here's plastic cans in a bucket for your birthday. Speaking of pickled things,

can we talk about the ladies of... Besides birthdays sponsored by Adult Depends. Have fun with that at Las Vegas Buffet. Don't laugh too hard.

Guess what you just got for your birthday? You only get one pair. I would love that. That's the best way to lose seven pounds. I know. I would either get a tapeworm or have horrible diarrhea. Let me tell you something.

Ronnie and I went to FUBAR over the summer. I kissed a gentleman there and I shat for four days straight. Oh my God. It was great. Are you joking? I'm not even joking. Okay. Do you see why I'm selective?

When I find that dinner that is my favorite dinner, and I order it every time, it's like spaghetti and meatballs. I love spaghetti and meatballs. Now I don't eat meat anymore. It's hard for me, but I still love spaghetti. I'll never give it up. It's like Walter. Walter's my spaghetti with marinara.

Oh, that's sweet. That's so nice. I love it. I just want to eat it all the time, and I love it. I don't want to veer off and have some weird fucking shrimp buffet with you. I know. That's my problem. That's my problem.

I'm always going back to the buffet. That's my problem in life. When you have to lay in the bathtub because you don't know which end it's going to come up. That's what happened to me that night. I swear to God. The night that we went to Foo Bar. See?

I swear to God. Foo Bar. Foo Bar. It was gross.ar it was gross it was really gross it's kind of poobar it is it smells like poop do you know the owner's wife actually screamed at me and tried to choke me one night there i used to oh wait the owner of foobar has a wife yes and he's so gay yep he's like the gay he's like the she was so mean to me i was hosting karaoke she's like don't fucking look at my husband blah blah and i was like i'm not looking at him because he's eyeballing my boyfriend at the times dick and

balls so please get over yourself bitch i had like way too many jack and cokes oh you were saying that out loud oh yeah i said that to her face and she lunged at me and started choking me and i fucking not even smacked but like an open palmedmed punch, like that. And she went down, and the bouncers came in, and I got banned from there forever. You can take the girl out of Elmira. Take the girl out of Elmira. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. I know, but whatever. Sorry.

Another expression that my dad likes, you can call it prosciutto, but the swine is still a swine. Oh, I can't eat that. I'm sorry, I don't eat pork. It's gross. I had a pig. I had a pig for a few days. I can't eat pork either. Speaking of...

He's spanky. He was so cute. Speaking of... But he would get a boner, and it would be like the giant... It would drag on the ground, and it was shaped like an L. Okay, but Luby... It was the most disturbing boner I've ever seen. A real penis.

A real-looking man's penis. This is Katie's dog, by the way. Oh yeah, so we have a new little rescue in our family and I hate to be like, oh my god, I have a rescue dog.

It's like, great, you fucking adopted a dog like everyone else. I hate to say it like this, but he really was found on the streets, very abused,

underfed. We took him in our home even though we already have a dog park here, but he has the largest penis for a Chihuahua. It's sheep, like a human penis, like a long thing. And it actually has the largest penis for a chihuahua it's sheep like a like a human penis like like a long

and it actually has this no you can't see this penis i'm not gonna look that's why i put a sweater on him no but dolce's penis is cute because it's very like hidden and tucked because he was a baby when he got neutered and whatever my dog yeah it looks like everyone makes fun of him at the dog park and says he has a little wiener and I'm like don't who does that to a dog you don't make fun of a dog well he's been going through I don't know what he's to now and I don't know what his deal is but he a couple of times has gotten a big old dog boner and it's like a baby on first of all we just like and it looks like it's like can we talk about Atlanta we Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, no.

I have to finish this real quick. Okay. It's the biggest thing. And he looked really uncomfortable. And he kept trying to get it back in. And it was out for like an hour. So I looked it up on the internet. And the internet was like, oh, you better Vaseline that shit back in there.

Or you'll have to take him to the vet. And I'm like, I don't have money for a vet. I'm a blogger. Like an unemployed blogger. Which is like the worst ever. Not for long. And I was like, I can't take it. I was like your penis is going to get chopped off. You know that?

So I had this whole night of calling my friends and they're trying to talk me into vacillating my dog's wiener in and finally it went bad. This is by the way how every single bestiality porno starts. Well I guess I'll just have to blow it till it goes back in. You know what? That's also how every gay porno starts. Doctor, my boner won't go down. Well I guess there's one way to fix this. I did not blow it. I did back in. You know what? That's also every gay porn. It's like, Doctor, my boner won't go down.

Well, I guess there's one way to fix this. I did not blow it. I did blow on it, though. I was like, maybe not.

They did that on Aubrey O'Day's show, remember, on All About Aubrey? And just so you know, Dan and E. Kane is recording their new album here. Oh my God.

We have to record the next podcast. I'm sure. I hope you didn't tell Barbara Streisand that when she was here. No, I never disclose whatever. So Dan and E. Kane, I didn't tell Barbara Streisand that when she was here. No, I never disclosed whatever,

but so Danny McCain, I didn't know this because sometimes Walter rents the studio out when he's out of town. However, he didn't tell them like they have to go use, you know, the other, you know,

little area and bathroom and all that. And all of a sudden I'm sitting here with the dogs and I look up and fucking Aubrey O'Day is standing literally at my thing. And she's like, can I come in? And I was like, we were in a tryout group together for the real that talk show and she was like you look so familiar and i was like

well we were in a trial group like i actually remember people you should have just said i was on celebrity apprentice on jammin jackson i'm latoya you a ghost remember when nini was like you a ghost all right that was the best you are You a old lady. You a ghost. Casper. I fight with you Casper. So mean, fucking Nini Leakes. I know we should move on to Atlanta. I'm sorry. So she was here and Dolce and Luby loved her. She's a total

dog person, which was really cute. Don't get afraid of drowning. She's got the best flotation. She's like a light dress. And she had no extension on her hair. She's like a life vest. And she had no extension or anything. Her hair was like chin length. Oh. And she had no makeup on and she had these big slippers.

And she was like really, really friendly, really cute. You know, she was on Celebrity Apprentice. She was actually a force. She was on top of it. I'm not going to lie. She's wickedly smart. She's one of those people who like, you know, she plays the like ditzy dumb girl. But real life, she's really smart.

She's a smart girl well the same cannot be said for the cast The Real Housewives of Atlanta can we move on to that well you're almost as good as Bevy Smith I know

that's amazing oh my god you're like oh I heard that moving on I'm sorry I watch that show all the time that's so funny

it's true that's exactly right that's exactly what she does she doesn't even she doesn't listen to what the cast members are saying. She waits for them to finish. And honestly, we're all guilty of doing that sometimes with our friends because sometimes your stories are so bad.

You're like, God, just finish this fucking story already so we can, you know. Well, the best is when someone goes, that's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. Anyway. That's Andy Cohen. Yeah, it is. Andy Cohen is notorious for being a, I'll wait till you're finished, and then I go,

okay then. So anyway, in my life, it's got to be Russell. That's great. That's great. Oh, that's awesome. I've just lost my baby, and he's like, great. Let's play a game. Whose boobs are more disgusting?

Melissa Gorga's or Danny McCain's? Or your dead baby's. Or your dead baby's. Or Hitler's. My Jack all the week goes to your dead baby. Alright, who has a witch face? Which bitch face

is Stassi and Kool-Aid? Stop. Okay, I'm doing a non-Becky Smith. I'm doing a no segue. We're going an hour and 16 minutes here. We have to talk

about Atlanta. Wait, really? Yes. It's the wine, you guys. It's the wine. It's the wine and the presence of Barbara Streisand in this microphone.

She's trapped. It's like a Disney movie. Don't tell me not to line your butt up. Don't worry, we're retiring. Right on my front. So what happened on Atlanta? So the things that happened on Atlanta,

Portia looked at a penthouse and then she decided that she really wanted to stay at home. Because her ass is broke. Because her ass is broke. And she's not getting any money from Cordell. We know what the main thing is. We'll get to the main thing. Oh my God. We totally need to talk about it.

I made a mental note and I remember I had a mental note. I made a mental note on my phone. Don't make a consumption. I don't know what I'm talking about. Don't make consumptions about my notes. Yeah, don't make consumptions. So, Portia, what now? Nothing.

Nothing with Portia. Wait, what's your mental note? Okay, my mental note was about Kenya Moore. You know, who I... Kenya whore. So, why I hate her so much. She is like Stassi. Each show has someone I hate.

Kenya Moore goes into her new house she just fucking leased and claims when Miss Lawrence or whatever the fucking queen comes over with is without lip gloss. Can you believe that? Oh, yeah. By the way, I have to make an aside. They did it on Fashion Queen. whatever the fucking queen comes over with is without lip gloss can you believe that okay by the way i have to make it i have to make it a left over i have to make an aside they did on fashion queens they compared they compared lawrence because he's wearing a little hat uh someone else cynthia wearing a hat and then and so bevy's like oh you're trying to butch it up lawrence i'm like that if that's butchering it up if that's butchering up a little a little like a little

straw hat butchers lawrence up then i don't know I must be like a fucking football player no he had an Alexander yeah and even he reference that and even he did even he mentioned I in a way that a man normally doesn't wear a scarf it was very womanly he was sitting like which is okay if you're gay it's okay okay there's nothing wrong with gay people the problem is is like when they make statements like that well you try to butch it up with a fucking hat she's like you're so butch Lawrence the way you can take it up the butt and not cry that is so manly of you yeah I'm just saying that I thought that was so ridiculous you're right that they did bring that up I'm like that's not butch

he still looks like crazy with that. Yeah, exactly So anyway, so you're saying so Lawrence comes over so Lawrence comes over and now she's um, she calls Nene Which is such a setup again producer thing. She calls it. She's like hey girl, and she's like why are you calling me? And she's like I got my new like, you didn't even tell me how. Hot pockets. Oh, yeah. I actually would love to go grocery shopping

with Nina because she was like, well, first of all, I think here's the thing with Nina is I love this sense of entitlement that it is talking about Downton Abbey. She's acting like

she is part of like Mary and all, like Mary and Sybil, like the long lost sister. Is she a billionaire? Does she have a private channel? She's like, first of all, she's like, I Sybil like the long lost system is she a billionaire does she have a private she's like she's like

first of all she's like I don't clean no more and then she's like ooh a white refrigerator and now she's like ooh look at this like this is why

I don't go grocery shopping I'm like Nini okay you know what let's get a grip here alright we know you're doing well we like

just try to stay somewhat grounded in reality like it's not relatable at all when you just say you don't even go grocery shopping anymore. It's like Lucille Bluth being like, how much is a banana? $10. You know,

it's like, you know, it's like, come on. Wait, okay. I love how like, she's like,

Katie. Oh yeah. Katie over here. We're supposed to pretend that's totally normal. Yeah. Katie's like, this is by the way, Katie is like,

Oh, like West Hollywood apartment. Like that was like, he pays $2,300, West Hollywood apartment. That was like, he pays $2,300 for a suit apartment. How cheap is that? Can I borrow some money? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What was it?

In between $1,400 to $1,600 for Jax's apartment. That is cheap for West Hollywood. Can you mind if I put your bamboo sound wall? Cheap for West Hollywood. Okay, but that is cheap. I will say this because it looks more expensive he has hardwood floors arch adobe ceilings built-in hvac like that shit is expensive don't get me wrong i am the queen of real estate no one can find an apartment

like i can in one day i can find you the most bomb ass duplex amazing place hot tub in the back christmas lights coming with it with utilities included for like $1,500 a month I am amazing at finding places I found this house in one day one day yes one day well it was empty Walter was working and I said I found the house this is it we don't need a realtor we don't need whatever so when I know a house a place is really expensive where it's not I don't think for what he actually has with hallways and all those closets, he's a good player. 16's average for that neighborhood, for sure.

But he has a den, too. So let's be fair. But it's also a studio. Did you see his bed was in there? That's a studio for a six. No, it's not. Oh, no. I don't know if you saw the wide angle.

He has a bed right next to that couch. Oh, is that with the Vikings? That's it. I'm doing push-ups and getting a job at CERN. Okay, so anyway, we're back to... Kenya Moore being a bitch and saying, like, oh, this is under 5,000 square feet. You know that's not Kenya Moore style.

Do you know what this house is about? Whatever, didn't you just get kicked out of your last house because you didn't pay for it? You didn't pay your rent. Shut up, Kenya Moore. When she says it, it fucking angers me. What does she make as an ex-Miss USA star? She says

5,000 square feet is bullshit for a house. That's huge. Really? That's what this is. Yeah, that's a huge house. You think this is a fucking shack in the woods? Yeah, and guess what? Barbra Streisand comes here. You don't see Barbra Streisand in your mansion. Barbra Streisand's closet is like this house. I like we act as if just the house alone just attracted Barbra Streisand

here. She just like wafted in. She's like, I see this house. But you know how annoying that is? It's as annoying as me probably making the statement is like,

oh my God, that little dump $6,900 a month. That's not what I went to say. I did not mean to demean it. No, we're just giving you show no, no. But no, I'm saying

because I know people are going to listen and be like, oh, fuck that bitch. You're right. I feel your pain. They'll say that no matter what.

I know. But I'm getting, it's annoying to make statements like that. I know. But Kenya goes above and beyond. But does nothing to show for it. Yeah. It's like you just got kicked out of your house.

She looked at a $2.5 million place. You know she hasn't been paid until the end of the season. Like this season she's making. I think she's like the second highest paid. So what's she getting? $100,000? She's right under Nene. Oh no.

For the year? For the year? She's making $800,000 I believe's right under NeNe. Oh no. For the year she's making $800,000 I believe for the year. No way. Yeah she's making like an enormous amount. She made a big impact on the show last year. I might find out right now. Because she kind of brought it back last year and NeNe's

not doing anything because she's trying to be nice to get back on another sitcom or some shit. So they need another cray cray and they thought NeNe was going to leave so they got another cray in Kenya and paid her ass. But you know she's not getting that much you know her first season she made like twenty thousand dollars because that's what they make and then her second season she's gonna make almost a million but that's still they're not gonna pay her they're not gonna prepay kenya who told you that that's not right probably like radar online which is super

trustworthy oh my god okay i'm okay alright so anyway while you look that up so it kind of didn't really do too much this week that I can remember offhand and Cynthia the only thing was that her daughter

brought her boyfriend over which I actually thought was cute I thought it was like cute I thought it was cute but it was a little boring

it was like whatever it's like whatever it's like typical Cynthia storyline who cares it was like hey kid what you gonna do with my

girl what if he was like hey you gonna let her she girl? What if he was like, she got the finest ass and I'm gonna hit that shit. I would've been like, oh, I'm watching this.

But instead he's like, I just wanna like clean my braces and go to the movies. I'm like, oh, snooze. So that's not what a man does. You're supposed to

make her get a job and support you and open a bar or something. You're a waste of life, kid. You gotta take, you gotta take, you gotta take her money and open up a bar for you or something. You're a waste of life, kid. You gotta take her money and open

up a bar that no one's gonna go to and then you gotta open up a warehouse and then bankrupt her and then that's it. And then get married under a dinosaur. And once she's done, you throw away like a two-by-two. Can you more releases? Oh my god, this just came out on the Examiner. Did you hear this?

And now it's on TMZ. No. Oh my god, breaking news. Breaking. Oh, I want to know Peter. We have breaking news. I want to know Peter. I want to know Peter.

I want to know Peter. I'll still swipe through it. I want to know Peter. This is breaking news about Kenya Moore. All right, are you guys ready for this? You're hearing this first. Live from the Alexia Echeverria News Report. Okay.

I want to know Peter. Here's a special report. Guess what, Peters? yeah, Chavarro, I have a news report. I want to know, Peter,

here's a story. Okay, guess what, Peter? H, or R-O, R-H-O-A, sounds kind of like the Homeowners Association

of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kenya Moore releases the text messages from Phaedra Parks. She released them to the public. From Phaedra?

Yeah. Oh, I read the ones last week from Apollo. But you can edit those. So that's such bullshit. She could have actually said things, took hers out, X'd him out.

One heart, one heart. Read them, read them. Okay, you want to hear them? Oh my God, here we go. Oh shit. This shit just got real. This got real. This shit is real.

Okay, so she said that Kenya Moore and Fajita Parks have been battling each other. They released it. And Apollo, through text, even claimed that Kenya offered to give Apollo oral sex. Oh my God. So Kenya, in retaliation, has released screenshots of the text messages, literally two days ago, clearly hoping that it shows she never sexually offered herself, which she could have just fucking deleted, and it's total bullshit.

Or she could have actually just texted someone, and made that guy's contact say Apollo, and it could have been her friend writing back. But go on. So Kenya Moore writes down, Lie number one, I offered fellatio to Apollo. Lie number two, I initiated the text. Lie number three, I saw Apollo in LA. Lie.

Lie number four, everything that comes out of either Phaedra or Apollo's mouth are lies. Okay? So do you think the text messages show anything inappropriate? That's what she wrote. I think we read that last week. Yeah, that was what we read last week. That's some bullshit. And it's basically just her sending friendly texts back and forth to Apollo.

Now, she's got some text from... No, this just got released. This literally just... The holidays are the latest. Oh, my God. Is that on Radar Online? Hey, Radar Online. No, Examiner.

Examiner. With the commercials. Oh, my God. I know, right? Why? just oh my god is that on radar online hey radar examiner with the commercial oh my god i know right why i was looking up recipes you know every time you click the next button for a new recipe it's like a new fucking k-mart commercial examiner is the worst they are the worst but however they're releasing the actual photos that she took this is only from like two days ago i am i am i'm just waiting for the butterball christmas turkey fucking commercial jesus i mean considering that we don't even eat meat it's like can we just not with these fucking like clothes stuffed birds i bought my thanksgiving turkey heaven in his underwear just mortified how we well that commercial airs i'd like to take this time to mention that I bought my Thanksgiving turkey at Target for

$12 oh my god $12 for a 16 pound turkey that means an animal gave its life for less than $12

that's how much Kenya paid on her last house oh my god she was on Huffington Post live did you guys see this

I hear that a lot I'm just really happy that I've been able to affect so many people in a positive way. So that's great to hear. And growing up, in order to make it on Real Housewives, you have had a fascinating past. And I know that it started beginning with Miss USA and you went on to have a great acting career. Was this something you thought was going to happen when you were a little girl? Being on a reality show?

No, just your life. She didn't even listen to what she just said. You know, originally, I don't think so. I think that I was born in the inner city. My grandmother struggled just to keep me off the streets and out of trouble. Your mom hated you. And I just focused on what was in front of me. I loved the arts.

I loved dancing. And one thing just led to the other. Oh, never mind. Let's get to the real. This is 10 minutes of candy and rolls. Let's get to the real. Let's get to the meat and potatoes of this week's episode. Oh, here we go.

I fast forwarded it. Here it is. She's talking about Apollo. Are you ready? Oh, yeah. I was in the room because they were so excited to be in front of me and be in front of Cynthia and receive that positive energy. And that's not how it came

across and it really hurt my heart because it's one one thing I've ever stood for my entire life was supporting young black girls she was so mean to them they were in their auditioning and you saw how she treated them and even mentor young black girls especially. Kenya Moore really is a wonderful role model and I don't understand why anyone would think otherwise. Alright. Let's talk about the meat and potatoes of the episode which was really about Candy and Mama Joyce.

That's what this week was all about. Oh my gosh. And that was kind of amazing because it's kind of hilarious that Todd is having to tell candy like you have to stand up for me okay what do you guys think cuz my mom I was always battling the other side of the family and guess who won mom and she beat the entire Lebanese side of the family you have to stick up for your spouse you cannot side with your family

over look at this a 20 or age difference my parents back in the beginning thought You have to stick up for your spouse. You cannot side with your family over... Look at this. A 20 or age difference. My parents, back in the beginning, thought Walter was probably like some crazy molester. Seriously. Then they met him and they're like, oh, he's like the best.

And I was like, all right, no fights. Okay, well that's good. So the thing is this. So for those who, the uninitiated, so Mama Joy suddenly does not like Todd anymore because she keeps hearing rumors, probably from Bravo producers who want to stir shit up, that Todd just wants to use her.

So Candy decides, she's like, see, what I'm going to do is get Riley in here. We're going to have a luncheon. And I'm going to sit down with Todd and Mama and see if they can work out their differences. Where? See? Like, can we move forward? is it gonna always be like this?

See? We had a moment where Candy was trying to decide what to say next and she went... She definitely went like... Well, see? I was like hitting my TV. Is this the way you're always going to be, Mama? Is this going to be? It's not from AEIO.

It was like the emergency broadcast. It sort of sounds like metal kind of like breaking or twisting and turning. It's like a car crashing really slowly. So the thing is, Mama Joyce gets this dinner, and she must be like wasted or something because she is. Okay, Mama Joyce is not obviously shit-faced. Well, she's always been so adorable. Whenever they show Mama Joyce, she's adorable.

Then last year they showed her with the stripper and she freaked out or whatever. Two years ago. Ridiculous. And then they didn't show her hardly at all last year. And then this year she's back and she's... I don't know if she's wasted. I don't know what it is. I'm thinking she's wasted. She's got to's gotta be right too many wigs on the brain like

she's she is There ain't no river deep enough. There ain't no desert high enough. There ain't no mountain to keep me out the rain. No. You gave me a glass. The dogs. Oh my God. Can we just talk about that Ronnie hit such a high note doing Mama Joyce. Not only did he break. Sorry. Not only did he. It's over.

Oh, we're doing it again. No, it's okay. It's okay. Walter just walked in with the animals. Walter's like, uh. He's like, I hear a dying animal in here. I want to make sure everything's okay. No, he heard a Mariah Carey note and he goes, am I going to be producing my next Christmas album?

It's clear these idiots are out of my house. They're fucking nuts. They're knocking at the door. What are you guys doing? You guys saved us from Mama Joy's. Sorry, it's Walter. You saved us. You saved us.

We're doing our podcast. It's okay. Everyone say hi to Walter. Hi, Walter. Hi, Walter. Walter, you're making a sound while it's a podcast. It's a podcast. It's not like

Good Morning America. It's not Barbara Walters or anything. Ba-ba-wa-wa. So, Walter, what would it like to work with Barbara Piper? Oh, you little man. It's a podcast. Oh, my God. Okay, you know what? Let's not date my man.

You're local. I know, but he just asked what a podcast is, and my 69-year-old mother listens to this. She does? Oh, yeah, she knows. She loved it. 69, yeah. Yeah, she just turned 69.

Hey, oh, smile. Your hot 69-year-old. We just got photographs by the one and only Walter. Yeah, Walter. Wah-wah. With Barbara's mic. So we're talking actually, so Walter, in case you have any opinions,

we're talking about Mama Joyce and the way that Mama Joyce treated Candy or Todd at the dinner this week. At the dinner because she accused Todd of being an opportunist wanting to take Candy Burris' money. But little does everyone know, Candy also funds Mama Joyce's

activities in life. I didn't see that one. Oh, Walter. Oh, Walter. Maybe you can play All I Want for Christmas Is You on the podcast. He's actually allowed to because he wrote it.

I hope everyone realizes this. Walter wrote All I Want for Christmas Is You. Actually, I don't think it's allowed. Why isn't it allowed? Just play 30 seconds. Ready? Oh my god, you guys, this is actually really cool. Here we go. I forgot how to play it. Okay. No, you didn't forget how to play the piano.

Wah, wah, wah, wah. Okay. And Mariah. Just kidding. Is that how it goes? Yeah. Oh my god. No, two more seconds.

Come on, for the viewers. That proved nothing. That proved nothing. I don't know how else to play it. Ready? And five, six, do it right now or I'm going to choke you in your sleep. Here it is. I don't want a lot for Christmas.

There's just something I don't need. And I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own more than you could ever know What can I do? All I want for Christmas is you

Yeah Yeah Yeah Alright Alright You You Baby Alright! Oh my god, you're worse than a mom. I feel like... Hey honey, get up there. Remember that song you did? Get up there and sing it for your friends.

I feel like on that note... Thanks, Walter. We just ended. That's just like the note. How can we top that? It doesn't ever her this is like crazy right now we have four guys that could be

almost out of my house we just had he would never we just had the man who wrote All I Want for Christmas play it for us and we played the part

of Mariah Carey this podcast has reached its peak here's the thing Ronnie can hit those Mariah notes because his impersonation of Mama Joyce

the fact that he hit that note that's a high note Mariah can't even hit those Mariah notes because his impersonation of Mama Joyce, the fact that he hit that note, that's a high note. Mariah can't even hit those notes. Watch the new Christmas lighting at Rockefeller Center. That shit's going to be... Oh my God, my friend was one of her back at the address for years and she told me a lot of secrets about Mariah. Watch the new Christmas lighting at the Rockefeller Center. Oh my God, I got a little New Yorker.

Watch the... You see the Mariah. I'm coming out with my own water. It's called Staten Island water. Mariah Carvey. You know you see the Mariah Carvey? Smells like trash. Brown water. And it's spelled B-R-D-U-B-R-A-I-N. No. Yeah, B-R-N. I got my own waters. Brown waters from Staten Island.

Brown waters. Brown waters. And the readers are like, is that Brian water? I'm tracking the wind. Any last thoughts on Atlanta so we can wrap this up? is from Stan Allen. Bram Luddins. Bram Luddins. And Villarino's like, is that Brian Luddins? I'm cracking the whip. Brian Luddins. Any last thoughts on Atlanta so we can wrap this up? Okay, I think Mama Joyce

is being way too harsh. I think she's being, oh, like really mean. She's crazy. And the fact that I was watching Todd and my heart was with him. I know.

How he didn't crack and be like, fuck you, bitch. I'm here for your daughter. I gave up jobs for her. He kept his cool. He was really cool about that's a ring you get for Christmas You should be so lucky you should be so lucky that your daughter has that ring a $50,000 candy brought herself down for you. Oh my God. She thought that was nice. Last sip.

That was not nice. And you know what? Here's the thing that she doesn't understand. The spouse wins. The spouse is the one that is sleeping with you. He is the one that's taking care of you every day. And she talks shit to Riley. To Riley. See? I can say things to Riley. Like, Mama, can we just move forward, Mama?

Can you just hang out with Riley and have fun with her? See, why can't we do that with Mama? Hands down, that is, oh my God. But the fact that she can sing so well is shocking. Because she sounds like a... Well, that's why she's got all her octaves. She's got three octaves just when she says one sentence. Well, that's why she's got all her octaves. She's got three octaves just when she says one sentence.

Now, I will say this, though. I will say this. Todd defended... She has a five-octave range just by speaking. Todd did a terrible job of defending himself. She's like, what do you provide? And Todd's like, I provide stability. I provide support. I'm like, oh, Todd, just say you earn money and just be done with it.

Just say you pay the gas bill. I'm just going Ty just say you earn money and just be done with it like just say you pay the gas bill that's all you have to do and she's like look around look around you and he's like it's not like

I'm fucking homeless I mean it's like hey Mama Joyce what do you provide did you pay for that giant house that you live in now

how about that Mama Joyce yeah no kidding living in Candy's old house that she can't sell because you're living in it yeah because you're in it

and she won't she's giving it to her mother. She should be fucking thankful. Yeah. Candy should be able to make, that's like a few million dollars for Candy right there that Candy's not cashing in on.

At least last week, or I mean last week or the week before, Mama Joyce was like, well, what if you choke on a chicken bone? And is Todd going to be so generous to me then?

Like, so she said, like she's worried that Candy's's gonna die first yeah and the money will go to guess what they're married maybe that's the exact same reason she should be kissing todd's midget exactly i know exactly and by the way that's a little stereotypical that she was like what if you choke on a chicken bone what what if she just chokes just on food why does that have to be a chicken bone she's do you have to do that, Why do you have to stereotype the people? What if she was like,

what if you like, choked on a watermelon ceiling? Why, you were listening to 50 Cent, Danny! It's like, Mama Joyce, don't do that. Like, please, please. And then all of a sudden

she ends her thing with, hashtag purple drunk! Hashtag what? Purple drunk! Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. You are going to get us thrown out of the radio. The mammy, we're going to get my goodness. You are going to get us thrown off.

We're going to get thrown off. They're going to be the mammy complainers. No, but have you seen what people, no, I'm only saying that because I watch

and I follow all the Twitter and all that and I see what people hashtag and I'm sorry, but the viewing public is so racist and so crazy

and so mean. Sure, you go on to YouTube. Oh my God, I'm shocked what people actually say. So when a African American person or even Shaza Sunset, when Persian people,

when you stereotype your culture and say things like that, that's like me saying about my dad, well, hey, if you don't put deodorant on, because he's French, I'm not going to do that and fuel all the bloggers and the internet people and all the people. You've like fueled every single gay stereotype

tonight. Not really. I feel like I help spread the news that gay guys can be chunky and sloppy. No, I don't think you're sloppy or chunky. I have a hole

in my belly, but I have a literal hole in my charm, lucky charm. And also, I just smell my armpits. I'm like stinking right now. Here's the thing.

I am really stinking. I went to the gym before this. I didn't have time to shower. Do you know that JoJo didn't know you guys were gay? Really? No. She has terrible gaydar. I am really sleepy. I went to the gym before this. I didn't have time to shower. Do you know that JoJo didn't know you guys were gay? Really?

No. She has terrible gaydar. Okay, she does. JoJo, yeah. She should know better. She should know better. JoJo is a big Bravo-holic, so she would be like, and she's allowed to say it. She'll say whatever she wants.

But she literally was like, oh, that Ben is really good looking. And I was like, not your type, honey. Oh, thank you. I said thank you. Oh. So we have a question. When JoJo, wait, when you said that JoJo and I had the same

type, I'm like, yeah, she thought I was into Kenya. No, no, no. I think she got it then. Then she realized. Yeah, then she realized. She was like, oh, so we might get in a fight over the type of guys I like.

Yeah. So that's where that came about. All right. Well, on that note. We didn't talk about Shaz.

We don't have to. We spoke about it last week. We recorded the Thanksgiving special on Wednesday because Ronnie was sick.

So we did refer to it. Okay, because it was really, someone blasted it. It's my pits. Shaz's it was really right yes someone blasted it it's my pits um uh shazza sunset was really boring last week i will say that but i feel like tonight's episode there's a new gay guy from resident fight with it's gonna be great yes tonight

this is america this is america we're waiting to paradise my friend like that that is the guy homeboy you have to, like, stop that. Like, this is, like, Rasputin, okay? We're dancing Rasputin, okay, homeboy? Like, you're with my homegirl, MJ, okay? So, like, you have to step off. Like, I got a mustache. I hate that Reza says things that he thinks are so hilarious,

but none of them are funny. He's like, my homegirl, MJ, like, look who, whitewater rafting, and she's, like, in the water, rafting. He's like, my girl, my homegirl MJ, like look who, white water rafting and she's like in the water rafting. She's like, that's not funny. Like, like, like, like,

my homegirl MJ fell out of the raft and almost drowned to death. Like, isn't that so funny? Like she can't even get back onto the raft because she's so fat. Yeah. I love my homegirl team MJ.

I got my pom poms out. Team MJ, as they they showed him it looked like they were like trying to get tilikum back into his fucking bathtub sea world rolling up each whale in the thing i was like i would never i would never want to watch that movie too yeah i'd be like free willy get off the fucking raft jesus i don't want that like no're like, no wonder MJ bit everybody. She's been held in a tiny little pool her whole life. Like Blackfish. Let's just make the entire plot of Blackfish about MJ. No, I feel like I...

MJ, my girl, my homegirl MJ tried to drown a trainer. Yeah, well... My homegirl MJ, you give her a fish, she jumps to a hoop. Oh my God, I love her. Team MJ. You get off, you step off. Team MJ. I could say a nasty thing a fish, she jumps to a hoop. Oh, my God, I love her. Team MJ. You get off. You step off. Team MJ.

I could say a nasty thing about her, but I say Team MJ afterwards, and she's like my homegirl now. He says the... Remember what he said about her during the reunion? He really said that... Like, if one of you guys said that about me... He's horrible. He's horrible.

He's horrible. And now international public forum called me an alcoholic, a bank thief, a slut, unsuccessful, whatever. Do you think we would be friends? I would do in the wise words of Andy Cohen and fucking mazel tov cocktail your house. So, Gigi, I hope you're liking your family weekend that brought your nemesis right now. Let's see what happens. So, did you, I hope you're liking your family weekend. I brought your nemesis right now. Let's see what happens. So, did you guys make up now? She's like, Reza, I thought we were going to the spa so I could stuff my face with fucking shrimp cocktail.

No, we went to Sacramento instead. Suddenly brought you white river rafting so I could release you back into the wild so you could stop being a drug addict. Free MJ! My homegirl loves a good river. Like, that's so white to go down a river. This is the whitest place I've ever been. Oh, by the way, can you please call that white? He's like, there are tents and benches and campfires.

This is so white. Like, hello, have you ever heard of Bedouins? Hello. No kidding. Have you ever seen Iran? That was, by the way. You've never seen anybody living in a tent before. It's not a tent city. Your country

is a tent. That was going to be on record. That's the sassiest Bedouin joke you've ever heard. Hello. You ever heard of a Bedouin before? Hello. Hello. Life's love. And not an ending note. This camping trip is so white. Like if we were in Persia, we would

have like rice and like carpets down. Oh my god, a carpet in a tent is foreign to Iranian people? Doubtful. That's like throwing couscous on their plate and they're like, what is this poor people's food? You're like, it's poor people's food. No, but like Gigi and MJ are like my homegirls. I'm only, my homegirls. I'm only, my homegirls all have to have just letters in their name.

Like Gigi and MJ and FF, you haven't met her yet, but she's awesome. Stands for Farina Fafa. She's always done sporty things. Fafa. Farina Fafa. Okay, now I really, now I'm being weird. She was named after the right button on the remote control. Don't tell me not to live. Just sit and putter. Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.

Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade. Well, you guys. I'm going to live and live now. Wait, where is that? I'm looking at it. Oh, yeah. Get what I want. I know how.

One roll for the whole shebang. Oh, P.S. Can I just tell you really quick breaking news too? Oh, yeah. Oh, well, get what I want. I know how one roll for the whole shopping. Oh PS Can I just tell you really quick breaking news still? Oh, yeah Oh, you know, we have some great news, okay now, okay So we all know that like the phone's David Foster plugged his whole fucking I'm gonna work with Stevie Wonder and whatever and so whatever I've done my shameless plugs for Walter working with Barbra Streisand on the Duets album, which I think that's a little bit more prestigious because it's going to have people like Bono and Sting, whatever.

Not just Stevie Wonder. However- Is that recorded here? Do Bono and Sting come to you? They do through the whatever. Skype, like our podcast. Yeah, they actually do it through computers. It's kind of cool.

Some yes, some no. Billy Joel, whatever. So- Whatever. Walter says to me, hey, because he's written some really beautiful songs. I go, why don't you do- through like computers kind of cool um some yes some no billy joel whatever so whatever walter says to me hey you know because he's written some really beautiful songs i go why don't you do there's so many unsigned talented people that are amazing that have all been on all these shows why don't you have them sing some of your songs and do like a walter's greatest hits he was like yeah that'd be great so walter wrote she bangs which is one of my favorite songs. Bangs. Bangs. And I go, you can't obviously redo that.

Why don't you do like a jazz version of She Bangs? And so literally in five seconds, he sat down. He was like, She Bangs. Like big brass section. She moves. So that's where that whole thing came about. And so you know what? Fuck you, David fucking Foster.

Yeah. Where's William Hung doing your music yeah duet with Marlee Macklin well that's how I got my smart car thank you William Hung alright

on that note Katie too much to the one to the three people who are still listening oh my god no we really have to

wrap this up because I have to be somewhere it's now Christmas it's 8pm we might get a table we've gone for an hour and 45 minutes

we have to wrap this up time oh my god this has been the funnest night of my fucking life and I have to pee I know right you guys

so anyway Katie thank you so much for having us over tell Walter thank you for playing. Oh, my God. All I want for Christmas. Did that just happen?

I'm hearing jingles. I feel like he's moving all your shit up in the bedroom. No, I think Santa's on the roof because we've been so good. I think Stassi is here. She heard us. Stassi's like coming to his room. She's spreading her HPV all over my house. She's coming out of the TV upstairs.

All your clothes are going to be on the floor. Everyone, so please subscribe to us on iTunes. iTunes, do a search for Watch for Crap and subscribe to us on Stitcher and on SoundCloud. Watch for Crap. Our Facebook page. You have to like us on Facebook. Facebook.com forward slash Watch for Crap. Where there's all sorts of crazy stuff.

We have like 2,100. We need to get to 10,000, okay? Everyone have like 2100 we need to get to 10,000 okay everyone find three people and then we'll get to 10,000 tell three of your friends to like it and we'll get to 10,000

wait really we're like well we're you guys are that close we're at 21 we're at 2100 likes but if every single one of you people

you people we're just saying you know tell if everyone tells three people we can get up to I know but

why can't they just tell like put a share on their page I think they should share this instead of literally put share the musician

on your page yes and tell them they should share watch what crap is when you're organizing your closet or you're bored at work

or you're listening to someone complain on customer service why do you listen to watch what crap is help us help us help us

help us no seriously honestly we would really be we would be very appreciative if you could do that to watch what crap is. Help us. Help us. No. Help us. Help us. No, seriously. Honestly, we would be very appreciative if you could do that. And follow Katie at The Painted Nail. Follow Ronnie

at Trash Tweet TV and go to his website, TrashTalkTV.com and follow me at B-Side Blog and be sure to listen to my other podcast, Banter with Ben and Lisa,

which is also super funny. It's marginally good. It's marginally good. It's marginally good. That's hilarious! I mean, you won't have spontaneous renditions of All I Want for Christmas is You, written by the composer. I feel like we should just

abuse Walter in every podcast. We should. We should just come in and play like 30 seconds of one of his songs. One of his songs. Insatiable, Darren Hayes. It's a good song. Oh yeah. Okay everyone, so thanks everyone

for listening. What a blast and we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. See you when I'm 35.

So sad. Oh God. It's over. I only have four hours left of being 35. Your life is over in Hollywood. Bye.

You're done. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called wait for it. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd glass, Liza slicing,

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