Watch What Crappens - #163: Drama on the Menu at Sur

Episode Date: January 28, 2015

This week Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (The Banter Blender) go to town on the crazy drama of "Vanderpump Rules." From the Miami stalker to Lisa's scolding, it's nearly a full hour of ridicule. Then it's on to Beverly Hills and Atlanta for more mockery. Along the way, there's talk of Top Chef, Best New Restaurant, and even some random Food Network talk. Come in and listen to this long and rowdy episode! You can donate to us at http://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: http://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://bit.ly/crappens Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Click on the microphone and type in Sideshow. Order today. This deal expires Friday at midnight. Watch What Crappens What happens when there's so much that happens? Aram from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ronnie. Thanks, everybody. Hi. Hi. Hi. How's it going? How's it hanging, Ronnie? It's going so great. It's hanging a little low because it's so warm here in Los Angeles. Oh, yes, that's right. The rest of the world is covered in snow, but it is warm here in L.A. So since you are all snowed in, or most of you are snowed in,

here in LA. So since you are all snowed in, or most of you are snowed in, why not take advantage of your downtime by checking out our social media, etc., by going to watchwhatcrappens.com. You'll find links to all our Vine and Instagram and Facebook stuff, Twitter.

Follow us all from there, and I guarantee that if you follow us, it will be worth your time. We also have a Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watchwhatcrappens, it will be worth your time. We also have a Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watchwhatcrappens, which truly is worth your time. We did it. We crossed over 3,000 likes, so

thank you very much. We did it! Thanks for liking us. I feel like I have so much more self-confidence now that more people like me. So, thank you guys. And really, to be totally honest, it's a super fun page. Like a lot of our listeners post stuff. Like they post links.

They post just sort of like commentary, jokes, photos. Like last night when I was watching Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules, you know, I couldn't help it. I saw a funny screen grab. I took a picture, posted it on the page. It's like stuff like that is on there. So it's really fun. It kind of like adds more depth to the podcast, if you will. And Lord knows we need a little more depth.

Oh, yeah. So please check out our Facebook. Yeah, it's really fun. And then the last thing I'll plug is our Patreon page, which is a way for people to support our podcast. We do this podcast once a week. And then

what we do is for our supporters, it's sort of like a Kickstarter thing. If you go to Patreon.com it's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com forward slash watch for crappins, you can support us. You can donate and stuff like that. And you get access to cool bonus content. So we do a bonus episode.

We just recorded one. We talked all about Nini's season to sis to Kenya. We talked about the Top Chef stuff and other Bravo gossip and apprentice. So you get to listen to that. And then join us for live hangouts and ringtones and stuff like that. So it really helps. We're up to $740 per episode. And once we get to listen to that and then join us for live hangouts and ringtones and stuff like that so it really helps

we're up to $740 per episode and once we get to $1000 we'll do two normal episodes of Watch What Happens per week I think that's it. Yeah everybody come on check it out I'm on Twitter right now because for some reason I went on Twitter today stupid

and on the bonus episode we were talking about how Brandy was not brandy whitney was on watch what happens live with eileen last night and whitney was acting like brandy but she kept talking about brandy and it was really funny she was just trying to get eileen to talk really bad about her and i wouldn't but she brandy was trying to god damn it sam even calling her brandy whitney every time any question was asked whit Whitney would be like, because Brandy's a piece of trash. Or because Brandy's a whore. Whatever.

So I'm on Twitter and Brandy posted last night at Andy. I think I've taken enough abuse on Watch What Happens Live. I dare you to pick on someone else. I'm fucking over it. It's just bullying at this point. Oh, shut up. Poor Brandy. Poor thing bullying.

You know what happens? You know, okay. Oh, shut up. like to say it's america this is free speech i can say what i want okay and you can and that's what's great about this country but the thing is you also have to live with you know there there are repercussions you can't just like say everything it doesn't say in the constitution that the that you are uh you know like imperial i can't talk you're not like immune to people's reactions or responses so when you say trashy things and when you say trashy things, and when you do trashy things, people are going to call you trash, and that's what happens, Brandy. Yeah, free speech is a circle, Brandy, okay? Yeah, and I'm sure you don't even know what a circle is. You probably think it's a square.

Well, you're wrong. A circle's a circle. I just got her. I got her. Yeah, you told her, man. Yeah, it's a little geometry shade Got her Bet she doesn't know what a trapezoid is She probably thinks it's a parallelogram Probably doesn't even know how to use the line tool

Yeah She probably thinks a compass is only for navigation But it's also for making angles Actually, it's not for making angles It's for making arcs, for drawing arcs She doesn't even know what a protractor is. Anyway, I feel like we've thoroughly dressed her down now. She's defenseless on that.

I'd like to see Brandy tweet at us now. Now that we've stumped Brandy. Like, Brandy, there's a rectangle. Go describe it. People keep posting... i need to close twitter i've been drinking coffee posting pictures of brandy's look last night with her shirt open and her terrible triangle boobs and stuff and putting it next to pictures of charo who by the way is like 90 and her boobs are 20 i don't know how that works but you go charo i once saw charo

walking on the street in San Diego. It was the most bizarre thing. It was like, and it wasn't just like in like, it was like random suburban San Diego, and there goes Charo walking two dogs. It was like really, it's just a strange experience when you see it,

when you see an unexpected Charo. Oh my God. Remember last week when you said Eddie Cibrian's still hot? You were so right thank you thank you he's on twitter right now oh my god he's so cute he's hot he looks like archer oh my god oh we talked about archer on the bonus episode and we talked about how hot he was so no eddie sibrion's playing archer basically yeah i basically have been drinking some iced

coffee and it's kicking in right now, and I am off the walls. You are? Okay, what do you want to talk about first? Whatever you want to talk about first, Ronnie. I want to talk about Banner Pop Rolls, because that shit was cray-cray, cuckoo, cray-cray, off the walls. Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?

Okay, everybody in the cast this week said, seriously? They did. They actually did it was hilarious even the even like the new girl Anne-Marie who's basically a crash test dummy with a wig she was like seriously you're not gonna talk to me seriously seriously

seriously I'm really enjoying you on this podcast today you just keep talking I'll just talk I am like amped up we had sex that's me dad you're just jealous cause your boyfriend had sex with me I don't care stupid bitch

yeah you do that was so awkward well it's funny that you mention that Ronnie because on that moment i'm moving ahead a little bit but when this girl confronted tom for like the 13th time in the episode and was like we had sex we had sex he's like no we didn't i like couldn't help but put that moment on vine because to me it was like this is what vanderpump rules is all about every single episode every single season is about one person saying that sex happened and the other person saying it didn't. So I put it on Vine

and it made an infinite loop and honestly, I think it sums it up. So here, I'm going to play it a little bit. Yes, we did. We had sex. We had sex. No, we didn't. Yes, we did.

We had sex. And it just goes on and on. And that's what the show is. That's what I love about it We had sex No he didn't we had sex I'm sorry we had sex That's Vanderpump Vanderpump rules in an infinite loop Okay

So let's start at the beginning Yeah So in the beginning it starts off, it just jumps right into it. You start at the beginning. Okay, there wasn't any stuff like of them waking up in bed or them like walking dogs or any like foofy stuff. It was just like, seriously? Kristen was at Cantor's and then... Oh, that's right.

And then Bowlegged ann marie first shot was the outside of cantor's and then this weird tourist girl and a dress that's like for 3 a.m it was locked in it was like a terrible dress you know how like victoria's secret like their catalog is like all like lingerie but then they have a few like actual dresses that are like tacky ass like early 90s shit. That's what she was wearing. It was the Victoria's Secret prom dress. She comes walking in bow-legged on her wedges.

She sits down, face about as vacant as can be. When you talk about a vacant face, this is like dead. She was like a ghost. That girl was full-on claymation. She was like a ghost. That girl was full-on claymation. She was like the scary little children in a Japanese horror film. Yes.

The eyes are pure black, and they open their mouths, and it's also pure black. And she sucks in your soul. Yes. She's like a Japanese death eater. A manga death eater. Yeah. So Kristen's like um can we get some sauvignon blanc i think we need two big glasses which is hilarious you know grecio i mean i don't

care just like bring a lot i'm like i'm like girl you're in a deli all right you know like just be happy they have anything so i mean cantor's is attached to kibbitz that's true they are the kids they have a ton of uh they have a ton of booze and of course kristen knows that but yeah i mean it is kind of weird to order a bottle of wine in the deli section can you even do that they were probably sitting in like that little bar thing the best though is kristen trying to act like like she had no part in all this and she's like this is crazy that you flew out here as if like kristen wasn't saying hey you should fly out here and the producers weren't like hey we'll fly you out here she's

just like so crazy seriously as if kristen wasn't using her parents like southwest miles she's like seriously i put all my money in the coin store and got you a got you a ticket on frontier seriously don't i went to tom's to pick up my mail, and I went through the change in the couch. Because that was probably mine. Seriously? I can't believe you flew here on Spirit Airlines. Seriously? Thanks for taking your bike here from Miami just to be on TV.

Seriously? I can't believe you did this, and I had no part in it. Seriously? So then she's like, so, like, seriously, why don't you like tell me everything? So she's like, well, Tom and I, we like talked. We were at a pool and we were like talking. And he said he was like single and he used to have a girlfriend. But he wasn't with her anymore and that he used to really love her.

But then we like talked for like hours. And then we, you know, we had sex. And I was under the impression that he really loved you because it was all Kristen this, Kristen that. Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. Over and over again. Really. While you were talking all night and having sex in Miami. Wasted.

He was talking. I'm so sure. I'm sure it wasn't fed. I mean, like, you know, probably the reason why this girl was so Botoxed is that way her face couldn't betray any emotion of her lying, you know? She's been in trouble with the law before. Like, she's taken lie detector tests and she's like, I will not show anything anymore. I will have my hands Botoxed and all of my features. She sort of looked like the alien from the abyss, you know, but like flesh colored.

My God. You know, sort of like that weird face. She looks like a really inexpensive doll, like a knockoff doll. Like something you might find at the Dollar Tree. She looks like one of those humanoid things. Like, you know, when, what's that movie where they made like sex dolls? She looks like a sex doll and you're like, can't you make a prettier face? She looks like the Ciroc robot with a brown wig on.

That girl, you know, she just looks crazy. She's like 20 and she's already had that much surgery. So she's obviously got some desperate need for attention. Right. She's got way too much money to be able to afford. I mean, even that terrible surgery adds up. Right. That girl's just crazy.

She's got crazy written, like literally written all over her. Yeah. Like probably if you put a black light on her, it's like literally the word crazy. That being said, I'm not going to lie. I was super excited to see what would happen when she showed up at Sir. So, of course. Of course. So, of course, then I think the next thing that happened was that like Kristen, you know, Kristen and her gal pal, whoever that girl is.

They show up. They're not working, they take a seat in the corner and watch as Anne-Marie comes wobbling into Sir, and goes up to Tom, and she's like, Hi, I'll have a Cosmo, please? And Tom's

like, okay. And then he just runs away. And I was like, I can't, I'm not gonna lie, for a moment I was I was like, that's pretty guilty behavior. Right? Well, yeah. I thought that was really good editing. Because first they show Christian like, oh, he literally ran.

Like, literally. Literally? Like, literally running. Like, literally run. Seriously? Like, did you see the movie Running Man? He's, like, in that movie right now like did you ever see that movie speed you ever think if that movie was called run it would be about tom instead seriously seriously there's a bomb he has to keep running because if he slows

down he'll kill innocent people seriously like i can't believe he put a bomb in his pants. Like, that just shows that he's a liar. I need to clear my name. I didn't have a bomb in my pants. Seriously? His bomb is four inches long. It's not even gonna hurt anybody. But I want it back! Who

does that? Who puts a bomb in their pants and then vows never to walk slower than 50 miles per hour? Who does that? Who puts a bomb in their pants and then vows never to walk slower than 50 miles per hour? Who does that? Who takes public transportation? Sandra Bullock deserved to die. Who does that? Who does that?

Who doesn't finish highways that way when buses drive onto them, they have to jump across? Who does that? buses drive onto them, they have to jump across. Who does that? Who puts spike strips on airfields that way when buses drive across them, they lose their tires. Who does that? Does that. Nice little stass.

Oh, I love the idea. I like the idea that the reason why Stassi wasn't on this episode is because she was possibly watching Speed and analyzing all the things wrong with it. Who does that?

If Sandra Bullock was here celebrating my birthday and the demise of Kristen, then she wouldn't have been on that bus in the first place. That bitch deserves it. Who does that? Who tries to get off a bus when the terrorist says,

if you get off the bus, I'm going to kill you? Of course you're going to get blown up, old lady. Who does that? Old people. Who does that? Age. Aging. Who does that?

Who gets on an elevator. Who does that? Who gets on an elevator? Who does that? The editing of that scene was really good because it shows Kristen like, oh my god, he's literally running. And you're like, oh my god, she's right. He did freak out. He did start running. Oh my god, he's totally guilty. And then it cuts to Tom calling Ariana. And he's like, you won't believe it.

She just did. She just called my stalker and now this crazy bitch who's been stalking me is at my place of business I'm scared well that makes sense like I can see why he's scared it's not like he's

just because he's seen her before doesn't mean he's fucked her he did meet her and she's been writing about him on like Instagram for months now so it's true yeah exactly um but what i loved was that um you know as soon as tom fled kristen's like all right i'm gonna take you to where he went to and so then kristen and her friend and emory they like go the back way and they go to the back area like where the crates are where they sit and fight and then tom wasn't there and they're looking around and then they like walk out the sidewalk

and Anne-Marie's holding her Cosmo the entire time. Anne-Marie is fully on the sidewalk in West Hollywood chasing after Tom holding a drink. I'm like girl you're about to get arrested. Yeah. Like Tom, Tom. And then when Ariana passes she's like

Ariana, can we talk? Everybody's just ignoring. It was like a very hilarious slow speed chase of everyone just like speedwalking or like drifting quietly. It was amazing. But then you would think that would be the culmination, the pinnacle the climax but instead what happens is that like uh so then they the three girls regroup in the front of the restaurant smoking cigarettes and all shaken up and you know kristen's like seriously he would run that's like the most guilty thing like if i like

obviously he did it like i i see it right now and then sheena comes out clearly egged on by the producers because she has like the most staged moment where she's like excuse me what just happened there and you're like and and then at that that i think that moment was staged but then everything else was like sheena being sheena you know well the whole thing in the restaurant was such a huge deal it's like a camera crew following you know kristen pretending she's having drinks just with some random girl and then the girl's like a camera crew following Kristen pretending she's having drinks just with some random girl. And then the girl's like,

did he even say hi to you? And Kristen's like, no. Like she can't believe how rude Tom's being while she's about to ruin his life. Then this girl walks up and Tom leaves. It's like this huge thing. And then Sheena's like, I'm a wop-hop-op. And I love that Sheenaena is at first i'm thinking

that is plastic all right i do not want you to ruin my plastic seriously that was five dollars get some class get some class who does that what dog does that he's just side-eyeing me right now uh anyway so it was this huge deal. And then instead of saying, like, you're bringing a stalker that is so dangerous. Who does that? You're acting crazy. Blah, blah, blah. She's like, how could you do this on the week of my wedding?

Yeah, that's the best part. First, she's like, watch this happen. And then Kristen's like, oh, this is Anne-Marie. And she's like, oh, oh, I'm not going to shake her hand. I hope you understand. And then she flips out. She's like, why would you do this? My wedding is next week, and you know that.

And meanwhile, the best part is that she's flipping out. Like, Marge from Winnetka, Illinois, in the background, has like her camera up in the background. She's like taking pictures. There's like this middle-aged lady in the background taking pictures oh my god i was dying it was like the today show she has her sign they had the host and he's like hello welcome he's like trying to be yeah guillermo's trying to get everyone in he's like nothing to see here nothing to see here and she's like stop it and kristin's like screaming i'm not kristin she she's like stop it and kristen's like screaming i'm not kristen sheena's like

screaming and be like my wedding is next week why would you like as if any of this we're gonna be doing the electric slide and you're talking about this now oh my god she was like no one is gonna be able to do the Macarena now Who's going to pass the hors d'oeuvres If you try and call Tom Names during the chicken dance I'm going to kill you Now I don't know if you're going to poison the spanakopoulos Or try their Joe spanakopoul. So, um...

Or Trader Joe's spanakopitas. Yeah, you know, that's basically what it is. Like, little mini churros, too. Um... She's like, what are you guys? That means crazy chicken! We basically took a... She's like, we took a basket to Costco and put all the samples in there, and now

we're passing them around. That's how we do it basket to Costco and put all the samples in there, and now we're passing them around. That's how we do it in Azusa. Since all the waiters are at the wedding, we brought the Costco sample servers. That's why all our waiters have hairnets. We couldn't afford blankets, so we just have little pigs on trade. So, Sheena starts to freak out and then this uh one of the managers what was her name again that diana or something she's like okay everyone must go everyone go everyone get out of here which is what she should have done and then kristen's like no diana fucking get lost get out of my fucking face, Diana. I'm just like, whoa, that's your manager, horse face.

Kristen's like, I'm the star of the show, and you're not even the owner of this restaurant. Just fuck off. Suck it in. What does that even mean, suck it in? I don't even know what you're talking about, Kristen. Kristen. Kristen.

Seriously? Seriously, you're not even the Krista. Seriously. Seriously? You're not even the owner of the restaurant? Seriously. So. Yeah, Diana is one of the ones that Lisa and the first. I think Diana's married to the other guy. No, no.

This is like, you will be working here for 13,000 hours a week for free because you're immigrants. But at least your name will be on the lease. Bye! Don't do that. No, the one who's married to the other guy, she's French, and this one I think was Italian. Oh, what a big diff! Yeah, they're all Europeans.

Euros. Don't worry, French people, I'm just kidding. I think then what happened next is that Lisa comes in and then Dinah's like, oh, may I have a word with you, please? And so she tells her,

she tells Lisa about everything that happened, and Lisa's like, well, it's time to get, we're gonna have to get everyone in ship shape, you know, whatever. Which of course just means that she's gonna like yell at them and then she's like well but we do they are good waiters we can't fire them we do need waiters right now you know yeah because it's so hard to find waiters and it's so fun to hide uh find skinny waiters in los angeles come on lisa yeah so then what happened next? Oh, I think then...

It is funny that Lisa, I think it's funny that whenever they call Lisa, they're like, Lisa, you'll need to come into the work because the people are fighting. She's like, oh, darling, I had dinner plans. Like, every time she's coming in, she's like, I've got to be at dinner. So what's the issue? Because I've got to be at dinner

right now. I mean, dinner. It's dinner. I've got to have dinner. Jesus, lady. No one's worried for your eating, okay? You're going to be just fine. You're not going to go hungry, Lisa. But dinner, darling. Lance Bass wants to have dinner.

Darling. I've got a whole camera crew waiting at the other restaurant, sweetie, for dinner. They're going to film me eating dinner. Chef Penny's going to be very upset if I'm not there, darling. She's a very sexy chef. That's her thing. Sex.

Sex sells. She's a sexy, unique chef. That's why we call the restaurant Suck. When she tries to make pigs in a blanket, she literally wraps herself in a blanket and lays there, darling, and lets people eat her. I mean, it's a whole new level of chef-stry. Darling, she fills our entire planter with couscous., and lets people eat her. I mean, it's a whole new level of chef street. Darling,

she fills our entire planter with couscous. I just have to eat it. The reason why we have so many planters at Pump is because they're all filled with various grains that Chef Penny has cooked. Every planter at Pump is filled with gold coins that Armenians left

behind. In case somebody tries to take over the neighborhood, they've always got somewhere to come home to and eat food from Chef Penny, who's very sexy. Darling, darling, I have to get to dinner. Chef Penny is cooking a goat cheese bar the size of a beach

bar. Beef carpaccio. Yes or no? It's sexy. It's still sexy. I don't care what anybody says. Darling, I have to get to pump. We're having dinner, and Chef Penny has loaded up a pickup truck full of goat cheese.

It's Stassi's favorite thing in the world. Darling, I have to get over to pump. Chef Penny has wrapped a fig in bacon, darling. I mean, it's a whole new thing. It's a whole new trend. It's a whole new trend. It's taking over West Hollywood, darling. She's very sexy. Darling, Chef Penny has come up with something innovative.

She's making tuna tartare and serving it with tartar sauce. We call it the tartar squared. It comes in a giant planter. Chef Penny has sliced some apples and is serving almonds on top. It's very sexy. I've got to be at dinner. Darling, please. You have to come back to the restaurant.

I have to get to dinner. Chef Penny is serving a spirits ad with goat cheese and walnuts. It's very modern. Please. That's so stupid. Darling. Darling, you have to. Darling. All right. That's so stupid Darling Darling Alright Bring them out here one by one

Tom This is your fault because you went to Miami And then you did lord knows what With this girl And he's like but Lisa no I didn't Lisa It's not true Kristen's crazy, Kristen. Kristen's crazy, Kristen.

I like that's just how he ends every sentence. Like, Merry Christmas, Kristen. What? Kristen's not here. Well, sorry, I know, but it's, never mind. Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, Kristen. I didn't do it, Lisa. I mean, I didn't even do anything.

Then why would this girl come across the country? I mean, it makes no sense if you didn't even do anything with her. Why would this girl with plastic surgery is desperate for attention, come all the way across the country, followed by a camera crew, to be on Bravo Television, on national television, if she didn't legitimately have sex with you, Danny? I just don't understand. I don't understand. I mean, the next thing you're going to tell me is that the producers went and found her

and said, please come on our show. We'll pay you $2,000 to come across. We'll fly you along the way. We'll give you a camera crew, and we'll put you on TV. I mean, it just doesn't make sense. Like, that would happen. You know, this is all your fault,

Tom, for being on an app called Instagram. I mean, that's nothing but trouble. You know, when you work for me, you need to stay off apps, because that's where trouble comes in. Alright, Tom? You're on an app. You know what, Tom? You know what they always say? Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Where there's fire, Chef Penny is making a wood oven burn pizza, which is very innovative. Very innovative. Have you seen wood in an oven? It has been years. I mean, that's how my mother did things, you know. That's how she died, actually. She was putting wood in an oven,

and turns out it was the gas oven, and she burnt down the house. I mean, with herself in it. And I'll tell you, the tortilla she left on the oven was, on the stove was delicious, darling. You know, when Penny started her wood oven pizzas, it reminded me of my mother, and that's why this restaurant's gonna be so successful.

Yeah! Do not put that on Instagram, Tom. I swear to you. I swear. I swear. I swear, don't you dare. The only thing I want to see on Instagram are lovely pictures of Chef Penny's

salads with basil and mozzarella and caprese-y things. I used to love watching Chef Penny on that sitcom with Kirstie Alley. I mean, she was wonderful. I mean, she gains weight, loses weight, you know, but the important thing is that she never loses her talent, you know, and here she is cooking for me.

We're very lucky to have Chef Penny. So what do you have to say for yourself, Tom? I didn't do it, Kristen. Tom, it's still your fault. All right, then go back to work. Don't leave your post, Tom. All right, don go back to work. Don't leave your post, Tom. All right, don't leave your post. It's just like a war.

All right, think of it like a war. It's the war. We're in Iraq right now. And the only ammunition we have are Pumptinis and Gochis balls. That's all we have to stop ISIS. We're at the front lines. Listen, ISIS is about to behead somebody. Do you A, leave your post, B, wrap them in bacon and figs,

or C, ask Chef Penny what kind of Lisa Vanderpump alcohol would pair with this meal? Here's what you do. You get to your post. You flip your catapult tuna tartan. You fling it at the terrorists. Here's what you do. You get to your post, you flip your catapult tuna tartan, you fling it at the terrorists. That's what you do. You don't abandon your post right when we're fighting ISIS.

Nothing scares a terrorist more than shaved beef that looks like vaginas. Fling it at their face and be done with them, darling. They'll be bombing themselves. And while you're at it, why don't you fling some sexy, sticky tofu...

Tommy pudding. Tom. And while you're at it, why don't you fling some sexy sticky toffee pudding? Tom, Chef Penny makes the best sticky toffee pudding I've seen. It's this new thing. It's called Yorkshire Puds. Chef Penny's on the forefront Of all the culinary trends Have you tried her salmon mousse? Have you tried Chef Penny's enchiladas?

Enchiladas I'm sure there'd be no more Have you tried Chef Penny's enchiladas? I'm sure there'd be no more... I'm sure ISIS wouldn't have anything to complain about if they could try Chef Penny's food. Oh, my God. Tom. Kristen. I'm sorry, I haven't tried it, Kristen.

Who are you calling Kristen? I'm sorry. haven't tried it Kristen Who are you calling Kristen I'm sorry Kristen Lisa I'm sorry about Kristen I don't care what's happening Don't leave your post Tom Alright so then she's like Alright then now next Send Ariana

Oh no no First was Sheena. Oh yeah, Sheena. I'm very disappointed you were screaming at people. How long? I can't believe it. How long have you worked for me, Sheena? Five years.

Long enough for my face to have gone through 20 different looks. Long enough for Azusa to become its own city. Long enough for us to become best friends. Long enough for an outpost to open up in Azusa. I mean, outback. An outback outpost.

If you ever scream at anyone in one of my restaurants again, I'm instructing Chef Penny to never make you another jalapeno popper. If you ever yell at another customer at my restaurant, I will have you transferred to the elephant bar immediately. The elephant bar of Chustin. Oh my god. Alright, so then Chino apologised. And then Ariana. Alright, so then she apologized. And then Ariana.

Now, I forgot this part. I remember seeing it on the preview, but I forget what Ariana's answer was when Lisa was like, listen, how do you know that Tom wasn't out there? Don't you think it's weird that this girl, he goes to Miami. I know Tom. Tom goes off to Miami and some girl says

they had sex. I mean, why wouldn't you believe that? And Ariana's like, dude! Yeah, dude. And Lisa's like, dude? They don't want to just call me dude. It's Chef Penny. And only when she's making her huevo rancheros. That reminded me of

when I went to a dude ranch with Ken. Oh my god. So what was Ariana's reaction? Did she say... Ariana was just like, you know, like, I'm trying to be the bigger person, yada yada yada. And I wasn't intending to leave. And then all of a sudden I left

and I'm sorry, blah blah blah, dude. She's like, alright then. That's all I needed to hear. Alright, now next bring in Chef Penny. Chef Penny. She's like, when you were on Food Network Star, did you cook them tuna tartare the way you cooked it for me? Because it is simply one of a kind at Pump.

I'd be furious if you cooked it. Penny, darling, what temperature are you cooking that new creation tuna tartare to? Penny. Amazing. Penny, have you thought of pairing the tuna tartare with plantain chips? Because that would just be innovative. You know what we do in England? We put tuna fish with mayonnaise. I think we should bring that over here.

Change everything. We're going to change West Hollywood, darling. Darling, I have a new idea, Chef Penny. Here's what I think. On the menu, instead of fish or chips, how about fish and chips? But instead of

chips, we'll serve French fries. I mean, it's going to change the world, Penny. Penny, instead of serving just steak, how about steak and fries? And you can call it steak frites. It's just very cutting edge.

How about instead of steak tartare, we'll serve steak tartare. And it'll be steak with tartar sauce, darling. It's going to change West Hollywood. It's very sexy. Darling, I just love your molten chocolate cakes. We're going to start a trend. No one's going to finish cooking their cake from now on.

This is going to become a thing. That was just a wow moment for me, Chef Penny. Too much milk, and the oven's on too high. I mean, who knew, darling? It's completely changing my life. Oh my god. Okay, we have to stop talking about Lisa because now I'm just laughing and we're not even making anything.

We are like, we're just trying to think of every trend from the 80s. Darling, I've got a great idea. How about instead of cooking the fish, we just serve raw fish and just call it sushi. No, wait, darling. I've got a better idea.

Wrap rice around it so people can pick it up with their fingers. I mean, come on, darling. I mean, if fish was like that in the ocean, there wouldn't be any fish left because people would just go over there and pick them up. I like that we've now made, it used to be that at the beginning of the podcast, Lisa was impressed with Penny's innovations. Now Lisa is creating innovations and frustrated that Penny isn't coming up with them.

I mean, come on, Penny. Come on, darling. Listen, sex, if it's going to be sexy, it's got to change, change, change every day, darling. Darling, here's what I want you to do. You're going to take a Caesar salad, but you're going to totally deconstruct it. You'll have a wedge of lettuce here. You'll have some salad dressing here, and you'll have an anchovy on the right. And you call it a deconstructed Caesar salad.

How about instead of serving a salad, we just cut a head of lettuce into a quarter and just pour blue cheese on it. I mean, boom, darling. You can get those out in five seconds. It's going to take up a West Hollywood. Darling, here's what you do. You find a crab. You take a mallet. You smash it in half. You take out all the meat. You cook the meat. You throw some bread

crumbs in there. And you know what you call it? You call it a crab cake. Darling, it will set the world afire let's have an entire section of the menu darling all right listen to this we're gonna have an entire section of the menu where people can order a little thing that they'll have first and then later an entree will come out. There's like two different courses. It's like the French do, darling. It's going to take over West Hollywood. We'll call them appetizers.

Darling, here's what we're going to do. We're just going to take a bunch of Jell-O, and we're just going to make a mobile called Aspic. And that's just going to be what they'll use Alright Penny Just make whatever you want, put it on a tray I'm going to call Kyle Richards over

Stress her out about something And then we're just going to get lots of shots of her shoving things in her mouth Because that's sexy That's what people want to see It's going to be on a Sir commercial Everyone, everyone please come to pub Chef Penny has something wonderful to premiere It's called Poached Salmon it's gonna be on a sir commercial everyone everyone please come to pub chef penny has something wonderful to premiere it's called poached salmon and it comes with a dill sauce

academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my harold a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success.

If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about

when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of

February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a

villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Darling, it's going to set the world afire. Wait, you cooked this in a plastic bag, darling?

What do you mean? You put it in a plastic bag and then put the plastic bag in the water? No, darling. That'll never work. Get rid of it. That's not sexy. Someone wants the fish wrapped. Chef Penny, I asked you to be innovative, not crazy. Chef Penny, what are you saying?

You're going to put an egg on it, a poached egg on it. This is ridiculous. A poached egg on a hamburger? Alright, now you're insane, Chef Penny. Alright, you've gone from sexy to just a whore. A dirty whore, leaking her terrible ideas all over the chairs in my restaurant. Stop sitting down with your terrible, leaky

vagina ideas. Get out! Get out! Chef Penny. Chef Penny, did I read this right? You're putting blue cheese on a burger? What sort of madness is this? I've been talking you up at sir all this time. Caramelizing onions, darling. Onions are not candy.

That is not sexy. Get out. Actually, don't get out because your shift isn't done. And your post isn't. And no one leaves during their post. Just go stand behind that pot. Stand behind that pot and face the wall. Face the wall.

behind that pot stand behind that pot and face the wall just climb into that planter and think about what you've done to this menu turkey meatloaf I've never seen such a thing okay so this bitch from Miami, what else does she do except wander around going, we had sex! So basically, once Tom... So she didn't believe that they had sex or not. Let's just keep down to the nitty grits. Grits, darling. You know, I don't know. I want to say no,

but last season, I really believed Tom when he said he never did anything with Ariana. And then he did something with Ariana. So I'm going to say yes. And then next week we see that Horseface No. 2's boyfriend did cheat on her. Yes. On that same trip.

No, in Vegas. And of course he finds out because Jax hands over the text to Kristen. Meanwhile, Jax, this episode. What did Jax? Oh, Jax took Carmen back to the Sunset Grill. I swear to God, this episode, what did Jax, oh, Jax took Carmen back to the Sunset Grill. I swear to God, this is the most traffic for traffic that place has ever seen. I know, it actually

made me want to try the Sunset Grill. I know, me too. Isn't that crazy? It really works. I was like, wow, I do need a restaurant in the neighborhood to go to. Ronnie, let's go there. You decided to raise, I mean, Whole Foods, were you not expensive enough? Did you need to add a dollar to the price of your pizza slices? did you need to change your chocolate almonds to 17.99 a pound go fuck yourself chocolate oh jesus that's ridiculous fucking assholes fuck you whole

foods and all your food is over salted anyway i'm lucky i live by a subway i'm not going to any more whole foods i actually ate peanut m&ms last night instead of chocolate almonds. And yes, I felt very poor. But I also did not spend $18. Good for you. I just actually bought some chocolate almonds at Fresh and Easy for $4.99. That's what I did. So anyway, so Jax took Carmen to the restaurant. And by the way, I have to thank Shannon Mast McPherson, who posted on her Facebook page a picture of the seagulls from Finding Nemo saying, mine, mine, mine.

I think, did we lose? Are you back? Yeah, you just noticed you lost me. I was still screaming about Whole Foods. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay, it's okay. This episode has been brought to you by Whole Foods. Yeah, it's funny because I was surprised that you didn't really react to the fact that I got chocolate almonds for $4.99 at Fresh and Easy. Ronnie, what I was saying was...

Holy crap. I'm totally going to Fresh and Easy. Fresh and Easy is the best. I used to, but then it was like, oh, you have to spend all your Fresh and Easy money because we're closing in a week. And then they didn't close. No, no, no. Come back. Martin Lawrence Ballard shops there, for crying out loud.

Yeah. So, what I was saying... Do you have any tuna tartare? Darling, Chef... I heard about it at this sexy restaurant next to the Abbey, darling. Darling, I hear that Chef Penny buys all her restaurant supplies here at Fresh and Easy.

Do you happen to have any good-to-go pre-cooked meals, mashed potato, and chicken on the side? Have you ever had a fish wrapped in rice? Give me some of that, darling. Put it in my bag. So anyway, what I was saying was that Shannon Mass mass mcpherson posted um a picture on our facebook wall of the seagulls from finding nemo um that's a mine mine mine and honestly it's hilarious because if you look at that picture it really does look like carmen it looks like carmen's putting her head forward it looks like she's like huh jacks jacks jacks jacks and she seems like a sweet girl

too i i don't mean to be mean it's not even mean it's just like it's just it's like oh my god okay i have to break in with a personal story because yes the other day you know i'm kind of a hermit i i work from home i'm always home it's like go out like once every two weeks so some of my friends i saw some friends at a party and they're like hey we we haven't like really connected, man. Let's go have some lunch together. And so, well, we went to like an early dinner and it was two girlfriends who are so nice. Some of my normal friends, you know, and they're just so fucking nice, both of them. So we're talking and they don't listen to the podcast or read any of my recaps as any, none of my friends do or they wouldn't be my friend.

But so we're talking and they're like, oh, we love The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Did you talk about that? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. So we start talking about it. They're like, well, what do you say about it? I was like, well, you know, I tend to be like a sitcom where I make the same joke over and over again every week, just kind of reword it. Kyle's thing is that she's always got back fat. And they're like, Ronnie, God, Ronnie, why would you say that? I'm like, because she has back fat and they're like ronnie god ronnie why would you say that because she has

back fat and it like hangs out she's always wearing like these things that are like really tight and then her back fat hangs over and they're like oh that ronnie that's really i mean you know that's really gross i don't like that you know it's sexist it's disrespectful it's not only kyle but women i was like oh my god how am i even friends with these bitches we've been friends for like a decade it's not like i just met them yeah i said you do know me right like i'm a horrible person no you're so nice i love your impersonation of these girls i can totally imagine what they're like yeah they're like totally sweet and i guess i'm not as mean in my real life so they're surprised yeah i always thought that was funny i always tell people that like uh when i'm driving uber every now and then people ask what i do and

everything and i'll mention that i have a podcast and whatever and some people get really interested and they're like oh my god tell us about the podcast and i'm always like well you know i do this it's basically like two gay guys talking about bravo and i'm always like it's weird because when i do the podcast i become so much cat here i'm like i'm like it's weird because when I do the podcast I become so much cat here I'm like I'm like it's like the way I when I'm driving I'm talking to them I'm like this is the way I am normally but when the pot when we press record all of a sudden it's like this crazy catty side comes out I'm like look at her weave or whatever she looks like one of the seagulls from fighting Nemo oh my god that is so hilarious I'm so glad you brought that up because

I saw that picture that she posted and I remembered that we made fun of that girl. I mean, I remembered we were saying something about mine, mine, mine, mine, but I didn't remember why. That is hilarious that you said she looks like that. Doesn't she? She looks exactly like that. It's so funny. I mean, it's actually like, you know what, it's actually not, it's like, it's an adorable seagull. Like she, I mean, Carmen's cute, but so she has that cute animated seagull look to her. Yeah, the seagull's cute too. Yeah, but it's like, it's kind of. And Jax would probably fuck the seagull too. I mean, that's like, that's the moral of the story.

Let's be honest. He'd fuck the seagull and Dory. Yeah. He'd mouth breathe all over that seagull in a few seconds. Yeah. And he would honestly, Bruce the shark is not off limits either i told you i wasn't a good person so okay okay so where were we before whole foods cut me off of my rant um okay so so um stuff happened i'm trying to remember what happened because there was a whole second half of the episode you know there was some more stuff

about like katie talking about uh stassi you know katie told like tom was at a modeling shoot tom was looking super cute um and katie was like well i just can't believe she would throw out the friendship over just this like you know like i was there for her like i gave her a bed to sleep on i gave her a shoulder to cry on and then the moment i go away for something then she throws out the entire friendship you know that stuff I feel like we're missing something big when she was in the car with the boys and they were making fun of her for not being

Stassi's bitch anymore and she's like I'm no one's bitch yeah you are but I just felt bad for her because it's like the one episode I guess it's the second episode she's finally cool after like three years she's a total c- second episode, she's finally cool. After like three years, she's a total C-word.

And now she's being so nice and so cool. And she's like talking to two guys, making fun of them because they smell like total including one guy who's trying to break up her relationship with Tom. Yeah. And she's like being nice to Jax even. And she's being cool even though she just picked them up smelling, reeking of booze. You know. And she's being really cool, and then next week

she finds out her boyfriend was cheating on her. You can't win on this show. You cannot win. Well, you know, like, once a season Katie just gets shat on in a big way, you know. She gets water jumped on her head. I have different hair now. I gain 20 pounds.

I don't care. I don't give a shit. It's like, oh no. Poor Katie. I think Katie is actually on the upswing. I think Katie is crossing over into the, hey, you know, I think I like Katie. I feel like she's being, you know, she's standing up to the bully. That's how Bravo gets you. And also, Brandy's trying this again. I guess we should just ease on over to the other shows now.

But Brandy is trying this again by acting like a victim to get people to like her again. And it's just, it doesn't work the second time, you know? Wait, before we go to Beverly Hills, I feel like... It's like if Jesus got crucified again. People would be like, ugh, Jesus is on the cross again. Jesus. Jesus. Seriously? Kristen?

Seriously, Jesus. Jesus Christ, Kristen. Jesus Christ, Jesus. Jesus. Kristen. Jesus Christ, Kristen. Jesus Christ, Jesus. I didn't know what to do. Jesus showed up at the bar and Jesus had been stalking me in my brain, so I had to leave. That's so funny. I honestly don't remember what happened the second...

I know that Lisa was like, I've got to talk to Kristen. Lisa would be like, Jesus! Darling, you left the cave we buried you in, alright? Do not leave your post, Jesus. Alright? Because you rose again, Ben, okay? I know that you're missing that part in your mind. I'm Jewish, I don't understand these things.

Everyone was talking about seeing you fly up into the air, Jesus. You know, you were supposed to be making banditinis. Darling, you just can't do that. You can't just abandon Chef Penny like that. She's making spinach and artichoke dip. She's about to set the world afire.

Chef Penny, have you heard of a man named Jesus? No, the other one. Yes, darling, he has learned how to make water into wine, darling. I mean, that is so sexy. We're taking over West Hollywood. You're fired. Go behind the pot. Behind the pot with you, Chef Penny. I can't. I can't. I can't I can't

so funny let's move over to Beverly Hills if we missed something on Vanderpump Rules we missed nothing we did not miss one fish what was the cliffhanger it was just Kristen the cliffhanger was that next week we find out that

all the guys were lying and they really did fuck all these people in Miami, apparently. Yeah, but what happened to Anne-Marie? She just, oh, security. Which one? Oh, the slut. Yeah. Security threw her out and I think that's the end of her.

Lisa's not going to let her ass back in there. Of course she will. She's going to take her manga face back. No, Lisa's going to do one of the, because it's going to be drama. Lisa will be like, well, I don't want her in this restaurant again. But we do need customers. So who am I to turn away someone? We do need a busboy.

Oh, you know what it was? Sheena was, we forgot about Sheena working on her song with James. She's like, I forget the lyrics. Oh, yeah, that was so funny. When I walk into the club, everyone sees I'm wearing shoes and I got cool eyes everyone's like what in the club they're like what in the club

and I'm all seriously in the club in the club club club and I wash my hands a lady hands me a towel and she wants a dollar in the club club club and I'm like no bitch no my hands are clean. Thank you.

Nice job, Sheena. Nice job. She's like, see me next week when I play the Howard Johnsons in Utica, New York. Howard Johnson was cousins with Howard Hughes, but he changed his last name because he didn't want to be twins. You can catch me at the Loving Hut off of Route 91. See you there. Spearmint Rhino's not just a flavor of gum. It's also where I'll be performing my new single, Washing My Hands in the Cloud, sexually. You can catch me on my tour when it comes through Tustin. I'll be at the Pollo Campero doing all my greatest hits.

I'll be inside the El Pollo Loco waiting for all the mac and cheese to be cooked for my wedding buffet. cheese to be cooked for my wedding buffet. Oh my god, is MJ opening the refrigerator over there? Jesus. Yeah. Everyone's trying to get at us as quickly as possible. Yeah, uh, there's

I don't know what's, I think it's just the trash is coming through. Beep, beep, beep. Uh oh. MJ's getting some nature's bars. Oh, my God. That's the first thing I thought of in MJ's fridge. Nature bars.

Nature bars. Oh, my God. Sheena. Yep, Sheena's song. I can't wait for that. Is she going to perform it at her wedding? She was making a joke about it, but you know she will. She's wearing a fucking two-piece to her wedding.

I'm sure she'll be singing her song. She'll be pulling a Kenya Moore from Celebrity Apprentice and getting on the floor and grinding her hips up. People will leave comment cards at her wedding. This wedding was totally inappropriate. She'll be like, but first I'm to do a dry run

at Cece's Pizza. Catch me there! Hey, have you guys ever heard of mangoes on a pizza? You have now! Lisa's like, oh my god, tell Chef Penny about that. Chef Penny's behind the scenes. Chef Penny's behind the... Chef Penny's introducing a brand new coronary delight to the world.

It's barbecue chicken pizza. Chef Penny, get out from behind that pot and get over here, darling. We've got things to discuss. Chef Penny, Tom Colicchio's coming through to audition you for Best New Restaurant in America. Get that barbecue chicken pizza ready right now on a side of

tuna tartare. Do it now! Don't abandon your post. Tom, Tom sit over here and while you wait for your pizza, Sheena's going to sing a song for you that she just premiered at the Cinnabon at the Beverly Center. Sheena, darling, I never thought I would hear your song.

But then I was at a Chipotle and I was eating a sassafras burrito. And it came on, darling. Someone's singing about washing their hands sexually. I mean, congratulations, darling. You've made it. Sheena, darling, what was that song you premiered at the old spaghetti factory? It was the song about grinding. No, no, the one about the butt plug.

The one about getting raped in a van. That was a joke. My apologies. That was the one you sang at Pei Wei Asian Diner. Oh, it was from the Swallow album, darling. Which one was that? I don't remember, darling. But don't leave your post. Darling, what was that? I don't remember, darling. But Don't Leave Your Post.

Darling, what was that song you sang at Tony Roma's? I just loved it. Darling, do you remember when you were at Red Lobster and you got in trouble for singing your song when they brought up the cheesy biscuits? I mean, that wasn't fair, darling. I mean, it's true. Life isn't always fair, darling.

But Don't Leave Your Post. That's the point. Darling, what was that wonderful song you debuted at fun ruckus i just can't remember the name of it oh my god okay we have to move on we have to so this is going to be 20 hours we are it's going to be 80s food joke we are 54 minutes in and we've spent 13 minutes of it actually talking about Vanderpump Rules. Before we talk about Beverly Hills, can we actually talk about this new show? Because we should talk about other shows besides just Housewives, right?

This is actually a perfect segue into Best New Restaurant. Okay, so Best New Restaurant. That's what it's called, right? Oddly enough, Pump was not on this show. I don't know why. Chef Penny

was totally iced out. This show should be on the Food Network because it's basically just a template of all Food Network shows. It's really low quality, low budge. It's like that show chef wanted with anne burrell which i love by the way yeah but that's where anne burrell just goes and yells at chefs who are trying to get

jobs in restaurants and that's really fun but that's basically what this show is people come in they have like uh you know they have to serve 40 people at once and what's the point you know i mean i watched a british one and i guess they did some of this stuff but again as i've said a zillion times the versions over there are so much better because they're actually about the food and what they're cooking and the history of the food and why they make it and yeah this is just like watching people run around like idiots and get getting yelled at by chefs who don't know what they're fucking talking about on TV. Done. Not watching. I turned it off halfway through. I thought it was fine. Inoffensive. I watched the first half. I was going to come back and watch the second half

because I got pulled away and I never did. And I was like, I'm okay with that because I don't know if I care about the best new restaurant. I don't know. I thought it was like a step up actually from the Food Network shows. I thought it felt a little... Because it had like... You know, it had the Bravo production values

which are better than the Food Network production values. And you know, I feel like Tom Colicchio does... Colicchio? Colicchio? He does bring sort of an authority that I don't feel like half the people on Food Network have.

But that being said, I was like, oh, okay. It's fine. I'll watch it. If it's on, I'll watch it. Tom has as much authority as the people on Food Network. I don't think he has more. I think he has more than, like, Robert Irvine. Like, more than Robert Irvine, who lied his way onto this.

Oh, yeah. But he doesn't have more than, like, Amber L. No, Amber L. has. Bobby Flay, even though Bobby Flay I don't think is that great. But I'm thinking more like. They actually have, like, real restaurants great i'm thinking more like they have like real restaurants i'm thinking more

like that like what was that like the restaurant undercover thing where there's like that that's oh yeah i can't like those people like that you know

yeah no i don't want i don't know i i just i'm speaking specifically about chef wanted because it's basically it's based on a british show but

it's basically chef wanted it's like the same format except no chefs get fired but why would you have a food show and not even's basically Chef Wanted. It's like the same format, except no chefs get fired. But why would you have a food show and not even show the food or talk about the food at all? I think actually, if Bravo, maybe this is crazy, but Bravo should maybe do a food travelogue series where it's not a competition. It's just like people who watch Top Chef are obviously interested in food. So maybe it'd be rather than put in a silly competition. It's just like these are places interested in food. So maybe it'd be, rather than like put in a silly competition, it's just like, these

are places that Tom likes, you know? I mean, I know that's kind of generic and sort of like middle of the afternoon type of show that would be on like the Travel Channel circa 2003. But I don't know. I mean, just, I think these competition shows, Bravo is trying and they just are not working. And so many of the food competition shows have been kind of like taken by a food network and run into the ground. Yeah, I just wish they were about the food. I was watching a season one Top Chef.

I don't even know why, but I have it on my computer. And Tiffany, who was like the evil one in that season, she was making gnocchi of some kind. And I remember, and this was a while ago, but I was like, how is she making gnocchi in an hour i remember and this was a while ago but i was like why how is she making gnocchi in an hour i don't believe it but then she was actually like well first with gnocchi you know you have to get the this and then you have to chill it and then you have to do this to the dough and then you have to do that and then you have to blah blah blah and i was like oh they actually used to cook on this show it's not like now where it's like oh my god run around whole foods oh my god sardines get sardines on sale oh my god oh my god i forgot the tomatoes i hate my brother i hate my brother my brother's here to

help me cook and i hate him oh no i like him what does any of this have to do with fucking food no one even has to know how to cook on that show and it used to also be that the show would like take um chefs and cooks from different walks of life. You'd have people who worked in fine dining, people who worked in catering, people who were students. There was Steven, who was a sommelier, but who knew how to cook. It used to be like... Oh, my God, that fucking guy. I saw it. He rode by me on a bicycle last week on Fairfax.

I was like, oh, there he is. That's Steven, the guy. I'm riding a bike. I know. God bless him. That's like when I sawcel doing laundry at my laundromat no i told you that i saw him and i was like what are you doing here and he's like doing laundry and i was like he's like what i have laundry i was just like that is the saddest thing i've ever seen all right what's the point of being famous if you have to do your goddamn laundry by yourself darling shit stings all right what's the point of being famous if you have to do your goddamn laundry

by yourself darling shit stings all right uh wait not me myself myself darling so why don't we move on to uh real housewives of beverly hills now yes real housewives of bevs bev hills bev hills bevy hills another good episode um where do we begin because we opened with the same fight as last week which just got more and more hilarious because then it became brandy and kim outside being wasted and then kyle trying to make some big drama on camera with kim which you know someone said this in the comment of my recap which you should read at trash talk tv which i thought was a very good point um you know kyle yes brandy shouldn't have been like getting in her way and stuff but kyle should not be trying

to have a drunken fight with a with her drunk sister on national tv kyle does that shit too much and it puts her sister in a really really bad place nothing like you know i ain't gonna stand up for kim well i think that i think Kyle, if I remember correctly, the truth was that at the end of the last episode, wasn't she just trying to get Kim to stay a little bit longer and eat some food and get some food in her system? That's why there was a pizza involved, right? She was like, eat some food. Don't leave. Eat some food. And instead, Kim was going off, and then so Kyle was going after her. And then that's when Brandy shoved her down the stairs

and the pizza fell on the floor. I don't even think, I don't even remember it being anything that involved. I think it was just Kim came out to Brandy and was like, I'm Amy and Kyle's in law. And then Kyle came up and was like, what's up? And then Brandy was like, you stay away from her. Yeah. And it became this big embarrassment.

But then it just became Kyle just trying to get to Kim and be like, get out of my fucking face. I don't want to talk to you, Brandy. And Brandy's like, but she hurt my finger. Look at my finger. And Brandy went everything else. And then...

Ugh, that squealing. I can't with that fucking squealing. I know Brandy. Brandy's like Emily Mortimer. Was that Emily Mortimer? Yeah, on season one of 30 Rock when she was dating Alec Baldwin and she had like that bird bone disease. She's like she couldn't be touched because her bones would shatter easily. Brandy's like, oh my God, you touched my arm.

I just better not swell up. You broke my arm. I mean, she always has a cast. She's just so ridiculous. It's like a fucking... It's like when you go to the dog pound. Are they killing the dogs right now? Like, during visiting hours?

Right. And you know, it's just not... Whatever Kyle's intention was, it was not Brandy's place to get in the middle of that. The only time I think you get in the middle of a situation like that is if one sibling is actually toxic to the other one. It's like a bad influence. It's going to harm the other one. No.

I mean, Brandy has been waiting to have this fight this whole time that she's been talking to Kim. And the only reason she even listens to Kim is not because she's friends with Kim. It's so she can use it against Kyle later which she's totally doing like Brandi's so transparent my god she's trashy trashy and transparent but why do you think but why do you think she's going she wants

to do that why do you think she wants to drive that wedge and use it against Kyle why because she still Brandi doesn't have any real friends first first of all. The only friend that she has that we've seen that's like a real friend to her in real life is a drug counselor. Yeah, Jennifer Jimenez. Okay.

And Jennifer Jimenez is friends with her, I guess, like, the same reason we would be friends with, like, I don't want to be offensive, but I don't know. Never mind. I don't want to go down that road. But I don't know. Never mind. I don't want to go down that road. But I don't know. It's like a project. You know, like she's friends with somebody that maybe she could help. I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't understand it, but I know that Brandy's not. Brandy's always looking for who she can fight with. That's the first thing she does is who can she go against? Yeah. You know? can she go against yeah you know i think brandy i think brandy likes having like a damaged little bird like kim who will call to her will call her up and be like i need help and like like i think it makes brandy feel relevant because she's just not relevant to anyone's lives and so to have

someone who calls her and is like i'm feeling feeling sad, it makes Brandy feel special. And I think she's also, you know, like there's certain people out there who like to kind of brag about their friendships with people. And I think the fact that she's friends with Kim, it's not so much that she necessarily wants to use it against Kyle to like get revenge or anything. necessarily wants to use it against Kyle to get revenge or anything. It's more just, I think she just likes to brag about the fact that she's so close with Kim because it makes her feel important. I think she's just,

I think the worst of her. So I think she's just doing it to use it in a fight against Kyle and probably Kim later. Oh yeah, she will turn on Kim. Because already she's like, well, I mean, Kim can say whatever she wants, but she fell off the wagon period that's it that's the end of it it's like yes that's true but that's not very nice you know like it's just not a way you would act towards a

friend yeah it just bugs me she's just not a she's just not a nice girl ben okay that is my official diagnosis she's crazy i mean let's talk i mean she's she's a nut job she wants attention um you know i used to think brandy was great i used to think that she was someone who um i used to stick up for her because i thought she was someone who when she backed into a corner she would then would then lash out because she sounded like she had a rough childhood and everything. And I kind of felt empathy for her. But now I'm like, no, she's just nuts. And people who are nice to her, she eventually turns on because, I don't know, she's Meshuggah. Yeah, she is.

She's just a nasty girl. So Paula Jones has requested that we read Kim's blog in Kim's voice. So, I've pulled up Kim's blog. Okay. And I won't read the whole thing because it's like three paragraphs, which is really long for Kim. Yeah. But she's so delusional. Okay.

Kim. Cash should be worried, not embarrassed. By Kim Richards. I think this episode should be renamed Awkward! The events that happened were definitely tough on a personal level, but at the same time I can't help but have a laugh about it

in the end. All I can say is there's so much more than what meets the eye. Let me give you the behind-the-scenes scoop. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It says that there's some artistic liberty going on. Basically. I'm working on her laugh. We've never done her laugh, but she does laugh like that.

She's like. It sounds like a bird calling backwards on a record that you're playing backwards. Yeah. Like a squirrel. Those are the noises that squirrels make yeah that laugh means i have a nut i have a nut i have a nut i have a nut before i dive into the meat of the drama can i just point out the limo conversations here we go again every time we're in a limo it's like the real vagina monologues.

As for Brandy's sexual fantasy, that was no surprise. Hilarious! Okay, let me just blah, blah, blah. Okay, now here's the backstory of the whole poker night. Before the poker party took place, I'd been struggling with bronchitis and pneumonia for weeks. I went to the doctor several times because I was already bullshit. I don't even want to read it in her voice. I went to the doctor several times because I was in so much pain,

so I really was in no shape to go to the spa day or poker night. And I definitely didn't want to go out when Monty came back to the house before poker night after being gone for a couple of days. I just wanted to stay at home with him, but I had to go to Eileen's with the girls. By the way... Okay, cray-cray. You can't even follow your own lives, and they're recorded on TV.

You just said on TV that Monty was not there. And bronchitis and pneumonia don't put you in pain. They just, like... You cough a lot, but there's no pain involved. Yeah, you don't take actual pain pills for that. You take NyQuil. You take antibiotics. You don't take... Why would for that. You take NyQuil. You take antibiotics. You don't take...

Why would you take a painkiller? She's like, yeah, I got radiation from my bronchitis. Injected into me. It was mixed with a little heroin because radiation hurts. I took the pain medication from Monty thinking it can get me through the pain I was experiencing. Little did I know, it just made me kind of out of it. But seriously, if I knew the medication was going to affect me in a negative way, I would never have taken it.

Perilous decision on my part. Lesson learned. Also, I was hurt that all Kyle could say was how embarrassed she was. As a sister, I would be worried, not embarrassed. I'm just grateful that Brandy was a good friend and supported me. What I don't understand is why so many of the girls tried to make me stay when all I wanted to do was go home and rest after it got awkward. Why would anyone want to make the situation worse after me and Kyle's bathroom confrontation? Sometimes we all just have to, quote unquote, let it go.

Don't bring Elsa into this. Yeah, don't do that. In the next episode, you will see that I end up in the hospital with major injuries due to being sick. But because of my history, some people automatically assume one thing, even though they have been seeing nothing but strength and courage in my sobriety for the last three years. To quote myself, if I may, I have nothing to hide from anybody. Great quote, Gail. Yeah, exactly. That's going to go down in the history books.

And congratulations on granting yourself permission to quote yourself but the thing is this like she doesn't kim doesn't have the right to be mad at kyle for being embarrassed okay kim okay okay kim fell off the wagon i'm sorry and that's the with, that's the thing with like the 12 steps is that, you know, who you are when you are not sober is, you know, it's not who you are and you have like, it's like you have to, this has always been the problem with Kim. It's like you have to apologize for your behavior, you know, because you've never, she always, she always gets mad at Kyle for the way Kyle reacted. It's like it's not – Kyle is entitled to act the way she did because you were being – you were not sober. You were not in your right mind. And it wasn't a confrontation. Kyle was saying, Kim, you seem like your shit face. You shouldn't be – like what are you doing?

Yeah, and why should Kyle not be embarrassed? She wasn't embarrassed for you, idiot, not herself. Yeah, like why should she not be embarrassed one of the best yeah the fact that kim is sitting here saying that she's mad at how kyle reacted or you know that all these ladies were just overreacting to kim like taking a little pain medication for her very serious issue i mean that it's just another another example of kim taking zero responsibility and another reason why i don't believe for one second that she's sober no i just don't believe it and you know what i'm not hold i'm not saying that in a catty way like oh she's that sober like

i get it it's not easy you know yeah i understand it i understand addiction pretty well and i don't really have much control over it either so i'm not really saying she should or she shouldn't but at least own your shit lady and this lady cannot own her shit she's never been able to and there's a reason that they never fucking film with her they never film with her because either she's sober which she doesn't even know what to do with herself when she's sober because she never is or she she's just not shown, which makes me think she's probably not sober. And I think if anybody's pissed off, it's Kyle because you know Kyle has some

kind of deal with them not to be showing Kim in that state because she keeps dragging Kim on this show so she doesn't have to support her for the rest of her life. And Kim can get a paycheck for a couple of years. She's stuck with this baggage. But the whole thing is that I thought the whole thing was that Bravo wanted to get rid of Kim,

but Kyle was like, no, we're a package deal. If you get rid of Kim, you get rid of me. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, she wants to keep Kim so that Kim keeps getting a paycheck and doesn't ask for a loan, but she doesn't actually want them filming Kim because Kim's wasted. So this whole episode when they go to Kim's house and she's already wasted and they pick her up anyway had to have pissed Kyle off. Like, she's mortified that, of course, you know know the cat's out of the bag again and kim's i like just how lisa lisa just puts it all out there she's like i rode in that car with kim not so

not so like complete not so nuts gone i'm like yes girl i think it's very refreshing um you know and i i feel bad even talking seriously about this shit because i know that i have so many times before and it really still infuriates me but it is so refreshing to see somebody on one of these shows who's just i mean lisa renna is full of shit so i'm not gonna say she's not full of shit but it's nice to see somebody who's not afraid of saying what it is and being worried that people are going to get all over her because it's a disease yeah and i love the part where she was like you know harry's brothers both dropped dead like there was like a bit of anger like fuck those guys you know they put us through all this shit and both of them dropped dead because

of this stupid disease and there's no arguing with an alcoholic and there's you know she didn't go into all that but basically she was like you know you don't alcoholics don't tell the truth they're well and you know that kills them it was also a very real moment because the truth is behind not even behind closed doors but like if you were in a car with someone who was wasted out of their mind or just like just not sober and whatever you would tell your friends like yeah i was driving that that person was like they were nuts they were crazy but you know in public or in mixed company you might be more diplomatic and say well you know i don't know i have concerns they just didn't seem like they were all there but you know but like to hear lisa rena saying like not so it was like it felt like a friend telling

you know and not saying that we're friends with lisa rena but it had that moment of like real like let's just let's just say what was happening. It was nuts. You know? Yeah. Which is what I love about it. As we called it earlier in the season, she does call Kim out for being a drunk. But she also is she's going after somebody this season for being an alcoholic hard.

And we guessed earlier in the season that it's not Kim. It's Brandyy which is awesome because i love that these two new women came in here ready to not take any crap from brandy and they've stripped her basically of all of her power yeah and it is hilarious to watch because lisa rena is really good at pretending she's very nice when she's obviously pretty cunning not that she has to work that hard to beat brandy it's not like you're up against some mental giant but eileen and lisa have just decided to take brandy down and they're doing it so calmly and so easily right because they know they can they have so much more they have legs to stand on i mean i thought it's kind of funny how after this whole fight um when uh lisa renna and kyle were

driving home lisa kyle's sitting there like in a state of shock and she's sad and confused and she's like a mess and lisa just keeps sitting's sad and confused, and she's a mess. And Lisa just keeps sitting there. She's like, I mean, she's a real problem. And Kim, she was just really out of it. She was crazy. She keeps saying it over and over again. And Brandy, she's a drunk.

And she's really, I mean, she's got a drink. You know people like that? They're alcoholics. I've seen it. Kyle's just sitting there. You know Kyle's probably just like, please shut up. This night's awful for me. Please stop. And Lisa's like, and you know just sitting there you know kyle's probably just like please shut up i'm like this night's awful for me please stop this is like and you know kim you know what that is that's not a sober person i'll tell you that much and he's just going on and on and on and

kyle's just like god kyle's like kyle's like can we just get the camera off my bald spot please that would be great kyle has had to sit through so many awkward limousine rides home from disaster parties like with taylor and you know with taylor crying in the backseat and kyle has to sit there be like uh-huh yeah by the way that's the thing everybody pretends like it's not a problem or you know it's not a problem until it's called out on on national tv at a reunion show and then everybody instead of just being like get your shit together it's like poor kim oh kim you're not having a drink tonight poor you poor kim you do not treat people like that i mean we live in la we know tons of alcoholics okay yeah um we are we know a lot of alcoholics or people with addiction issues and you don't walk around like

oh are you okay today are you okay not having wine no you still invite them to your birthday party at a bar you still you still have to go around you know you still have to go on with your life right by the way diet it doesn't mean we can never fucking eat again we can never meet at a restaurant you know by the way i have to say uh speaking of eileen and lisa taking down brandy i think probably my favorite moment of the entire episode was when eileen was left with kim and brandy in her driveway and you know eileen was like fuming she couldn't stand this and brandy's like oh my god she left a mark like this better not swell by the way i'm going to fucking kill that bitch. And Eileen just, like, rolls her eyes and goes, oh, shut up.

How about a little Neosporin? Get a grip. And she goes, I'm going to go over here. And she just walks away. And then once Lisa and Kyle actually left, she's like, okay, bye. And give them both kisses on the cheek. And I love that Kim forgets when she's sobbing and when she's not like one minute she's like and the next minute she's playing with Brandy's hair

like I'll have you Brandy I like by the way when they're like what happened to the pizza and they show like a close up of the pizza on the floor like dun dun dun so then I guess so then the floor like dun dun dun so then um i guess so then the other thing is that later well then we had like it then we had an interlude with like yolanda all of a sudden like guess what i have another child named anwa and it's like oh here we go time to have another like storyline of of of yolanda be like you know they grow up so

fast you know they leave home and then they grow up and they go away. But luckily I still have Anwan. He's growing up so fast and he'll be going to college, you know. You're like, ugh, sneeze. Yolanda finally has like another child that we've never seen. Yeah. The other half of her storyline was like,

how do I get this telephone to work properly? You're sideways. Okay, I turned it. Now you're still sideways. Okay, I turned it. Now you're still sideways. Okay, I turned it. You're sideways again. She's like, poor Bella, you know. Gigi was born with a face that wasn't sideways. And now look at you with your sideways face.

Poor thing. It's like a swan who's black and who cannot look up the right way. You know, like, Gigi is naturally blessed with beauty. So that way the phone is like, okay, we are going to present your face properly but you know bella she's not pretty you know so the phone puts her sideways so she looks better you know that's how it goes oh bella when she came out of me she was sideways i knew right then her life was going to be hard and look it's she's still sideways poor homely bella okay let's concentrate on this person you've never seen before hello son would you like

sliced strawberries oh go have fun at soccer I posted that I'm sorry I do not have a credit to give you oh Madonna Madge with a sexy J posted the picture Yoli's son Armand's breakfast

one strawberry thinly sliced and sure enough it breakfast one strawberry thinly sliced and sure enough it's one strawberry thinly sliced oh god it's in here and each of strawberry only one slice of it to the rest and spit it out or you'll never be a model yeah poor anwar whenever i try to facetime with him he's always upside down i just cannot win with these children. So now we have Anwar to look forward to. So then, anyway, the next sort of chunk of the episode was Lisa having

her little jewelry party. And Brandy shows up wearing a shirt and no pants. And she's like, she's like, yeah, I'm trying to look conservative because it's like parent teacher conferences tonight. It's like, you, I'm trying to look conservative because it's like parent-teacher conferences tonight. It's like, you are such a disaster. I loved it.

Lisa's like, I could never show up at my kid's school looking like that. And Brandy's like, yeah, but my kids go to public school. I know. It's like, great. Great Brandy. That was so funny to me. Like, Brandy's an asshole,

but she still makes me laugh sometimes. I can't help it. Yeah, I know. She definitely has, like, some funny lines, for sure. But she's also ridiculous. Because then she's going to get to the school. And then there'll probably be some attitude. And she'll get some looks. And she'll be like, these bitches.

These bitches are staring at me like, what? I just want to wear this. And I know the whole, like, don't blame the victim. She's allowed to wear what she wants. But at the same time, it's the same thing where she does something kind of outrageous and then gets mad at people when they get, when they're like, they treat her like

trash. Yeah, but if you think about it, Brandy's entire fortune, well, you know, whatever $5 she's got left in her Wells Fargo account after blowing everything. But she's built her whole fortune on being a victim. Yeah. You know, she became famous

because her husband left her for some country star. Then she became famous on the Housewives because other girls were mean to her on game night. Yeah. Like everything about her, if she's not being a victim, then she's not popular and people don't like her. So, you know, she came out as the aggressor last year.

So now she's poking people so that she can be a victim again. It's just, it's really sad. But it was interesting when Eileen was like, you know, I'm going to talk to Brandy. Brandy, you know, you come into my house, you say it looks American Gothic, which isn't even what she said. She said it was American Psycho, which is different,

and Bates Motel. So it's a lot worse. American Gothic wouldn't actually be so good american that's an actual style yeah americans well american gothic is a painting with a farmer and his wife and then american psycho is a movie based on a book with christian bale and psycho is bates motel is from psycho so american psycho and psycho don't really mesh. What Brandy meant was it looked like Bates Motel and Psycho and old-fashioned whatever. Scary. But because she's... Or generally just that a murderer lives there. Yeah, exactly. With mommy issues.

Yeah. So yeah, Eileen confronted her about it. Who never smiles. Yeah. Eileen confronted her about it. And then Brandy was like, oh no, that wasn't my intention at all. But you could see Brandy was like upset about it. And then intention at all but you could see brandy was like upset about it and then she left and you know that now brandy is now brandy's gonna start building the case against eileen because now eileen has basically come for her a little bit and brandy hates that so now brandy's gonna make herself something like that she's like

yeah brandy was actually she seemed like genuinely hurt like i'm i actually like you and um i am surprised and here we go again and eileen's like what do you mean and then we turn around and see uh yolanda trying to pretend she has gum on her shoe or something like who's listening right behind them and you know brandy's like everyone's ganging up on me or whatever it doesn't matter i'm just gonna go give money to cancer kids and then go to school. Shut up. I'm not going to feel bad for you, bitch. And I know that she comes for Eileen because she's already made so many comments about Eileen being a homewrecker or whatever.

And then Eileen was on Watch What Happens last night and she was not really holding anything back. I mean, she was still being classy. But Andy, they really were just ragging on brandy whitney was but andy was just like which i love that it hurt brandy's feeling so bad that she tweeted up uh to stop bullying her yeah and um eileen he said well eileen you finally confronted brandy and told her what you were thinking right she's like i mean, I mean, well, kind of. I didn't really. I just, you know, I talked to her.

It was just interesting because she basically called her trash and a drunk all night long. So Brandy has everybody pretty much against her. So I'm wondering how in the world she's going to last another season if no one is speaking to her except for Kim. Well, she'll find a way and this is the perfect opportunity for Kyle because now Kyle is like, finally I could jump to Team Vanderpump. Because that's

what happened. Kyle and Lisa went off to Villa Blanca to have some dinner, darling. We have to go to dinner. Wait till you see what Penny's doing. Penny's doing something wonderful at Villa Blanca. She's making a

pasta salad. You have to try it. Kyle's like, I hate breading now. Can we go eat some free shit at your restaurant, Lisa? Because I want to be your friends again. Penny's making a salad with Green Goddess dressing. You have to try this trend. Of course, Kyle Green Goddess.

Of course, Kyle crawls back to lisa the second it's convenient after shit talking her all season long for three years yeah she's crawling back and you know people can say whatever they want about lisa but look she's just taking her right back like nothing ever happened and i get that you know enemies of my enemies are my friend or whatever but she keeps forgiving kyle over and over and over and trying she's like genuinely likes kyle and wants to be friends but kyle's too jealous and will never be a true friend to lisa so watch your back lisa yeah that being said i'm right now i'm like very enthused about kyle because kyle is like you know as we're seeing in the previews for next season one kyle's one nasty Kyle she gives for Kim two middle fingers fuck

you Kim I'm like yes yes she's back yeah I'm for Kyle if we can stop talking about her money and how much her husband is in love with her and her stupid parties. Like, if she actually fights with people and is, like, kind of bitchy-mean Kyle, I'm in. But the other Kyle that we've been seeing, me no likey. And I'm also very excited to see his gay mixer

where Brandi brings her plastic-faced gay to, which will be hilarious. Also, we didn't really talk... one of my friends is there by the way i'm so upset he's a friend of mine that i was in groundlings with and he was a recapper for tvgasm and he got all buff and now he doesn't even talk to me anymore because i'm fat and he's strong and he's going to housewives parties and i find about it on the previews I find out about it on the previews instead of getting a message about it or something I mean what the hell that is wrong

we should have been invited to that mixer yeah what the hell we're not gays of any of the housewives we're too mean well I'm too mean I can never go to those parties and what if someone's like oh this guy makes fun of you on this thing and they're like oh someone sent me a clip and he called me a cunt and a drunk. Whatever.

The things they say to each other are ten times worse than anything that we say to them. But that being said, we also forgot to mention that at one point, after all this, Kim winds up in the hospital. And they're like, well, I think she has an ulcer or something with her back. Or excuses for Kim. And then, like, I also have to say, it was kind of funny that, like, Kyle was like, well, I was at the hospital for like an hour and a half. They were doing tests and tests and tests. And they just didn't know what it was.

And I'm like, and you left? Like, you left to come to Lisa Rinna's jewelry thing? Well, that was another thing that I liked about the episode was where Brandy's like, I mean, I called Kyle and Kyle just said just ignore it because it's just Kim. That's that's what it is. And then, of course, I'm thinking, well, what do you you can't freak out every time an alcoholic is freaking out because they're drunk. Yeah. Duh. And I love that Jennifer, even though I don't know what she's doing to her poor face.

I mean, what is she doing? She's a pretty's doing to her poor face. I know. And all that makeup. I mean, what is she doing? She's like. That's a pretty girl. Stop it. Stop. I know. And your eyes were so pretty. Like, what are you doing?

And why are you putting fillers in your cheek when you're a big girl? What are you doing? Okay. So much blush. Stop. You're a pretty girl. You're nice. And you have a job.

Just settle for that. Okay. Just be happy with that. But anyway, this girl, I love when she told Brandy, well, you know, the family gets sick of hearing it. Yeah. And Brandy's like, whatever, and just ignores it. But that's the truth.

What would you do if you were Kyle and Kim's calling you at 2 in the morning freaking out about Kingsley, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or someone's dying of cancer or something, blah, blah, blah. And I'm not saying that your husband dying of cancer is easy. I'm just saying it's always fucking something. If it's something small or something huge. I wouldn't listen to her either, and Brandy's not going to be listening to her for long either.

You know that phone's going to be turned off soon. Yeah, exactly. So why don't we move on to Real Housewives of Atlanta? Let's do that. Let's do that. Another filler face that I'm not really on board with, Cynthia. Too much. Too much, too soon.

You're a beautiful woman. Just black don't crack, okay? But it will if you keep putting cement into it because sidewalks do yeah because uh they showed a few flashbacks of her from like four seasons ago and uh i was like wow i mean she still looks beautiful and amazing but back then like four seasons ago you're like wow she was like a stunner and now she's like just like hot like what i'm like she went from being stunning to just merely hot.

You know what I'm saying? You can see it. She's still pretty, but she doesn't need to be doing that. She's trying to keep up with the Joneses, and little does she realize that all the Joneses that are around her are awful. Yeah. She's gross. Uncle Ben opened a restaurant

two cities away or something in charlotte he opened up a sports one which has been off of a bar one and he has cordell stewart as his partner which is so shady like honestly i think it's i think it's super super shady to go into business with the ex-husband of your wife's friend if it it's a bad divorce, I don't think that's right. Right? Oh, please. Peter is going to go wherever the money is. That's why he's still with Cynthia.

Exactly. The second Cynthia, like, loses money or that school closes or she's not making a living, he's out of there. Yeah. I love how, so they open up this bar, and so she makes a road trip out of it. She's going to bring Claudia and Kenya. And she wants to, like, bring Claudia to the opening of this

because she wants to find Claudia some baller or some great romantic prospect. And so Cynthia goes, Hello, it's a sports bar. Sports bar equals ballers. I'm like, no. I think sports bars are... I don't think so.

No, it doesn't work that way. It's like the exact opposite. People who play sports on TV make money. Yeah. But the people who sit in sports bars and watch it generally know. I'm like, should we be going to Buffalo Wild Wings or something? Did I miss a memo? Is that where you met Peter?

That's probably where she met Peter. Hey, do you like sports? This is a sports bar, babe. Did you see the footage of the people waiting in line to get into into the bar oh my god it was like ratchet central charlotte yeah and those were as nanny would say those were her twitter people yeah exactly and i love that when cynthia shows up at sports one she's like honey you did it again i'm like honey what you've done with the fluorescent lighting in here is amazing.

I mean, people really don't understand the power of white light. Yeah, it's like, congratulations, you made another failure. Yeah, congratulations, you've made somewhere that looks like a cafeteria. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. But hey, the TV works. Great job, Peter.

We're going to make it. This place will be for the who's who of DMV workers. And I love that Cordell is like, hey, girl. Yeah, baby, you fine. Oh, you know, you fine, baby. You are the biggest fucking queen I've ever seen in my life. I know. Please stop.

No one is buying this. I know. And Peter's like, well, if I'm going to open up a sports bar, I might as well, you know, like I've got to have like, you know, someone like Cordell Stewart. I mean, he was on the Steelers for eight years. I mean, clearly I've got to open up a sports bar. I'm like, do you know how many sports bars do not have professional athletes attached to them? There's no reason why you need Cordell Stewart attached

at all. You need a TV and a hot dog. Like, come on. Yeah, exactly. And some beer. Exactly. It does not take much to open up a sports bar. Sports bars are the most basic of bars. It's very easy to open them up. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. MJ's trying to back out of the closet. Yeah.

MJ's pulling out of her kitchen. Okay, what else happened on this? Riley is 11. Why does Riley look so much older than her stepsister? Whatever her stepsister's name is. Todd's daughter looks like she's 11 years old, and Riley looks like she's 19. Yeah, Riley really does. She looks like she's 11 years old and Riley looks like she's 19. Yeah, Riley really does.

She looks like she's very mature. So that's weird. They're trying to have a baby, another baby story. Oh, yeah. It's going to be the tiniest little baby. That baby is going to look really weird next to Riley because it's going to be like the biggest baby next to the tiniest baby. And they saw Dr. Jackie from Marriage Medicine to help them out. And you know that baby is going to have the weirdest voice of all time

because it'll be a mixture of like, Todd's voice, Todd speaks like this. And Kenny will be like, See, now, mama. I want my bottle. I want my rattle. See, now, I need to be fed. That baby's going to be like,

It'll just sound like an old-timey radio trying to get reception. You got the wrong one now, bitch. What else? Not a lot happened on this. It started with NeNe telling Greg some backwards-ass story of what happened. Of course, where she's the hero and doesn't understand why everybody was so mean to her. And Greg's just laughing he's like so Nene came out huh baby yeah Nene's like

yeah so you know like all that happened was that you know Claudia asked for a drink and then I offered Claudia a drink and she didn't want a drink out of my drink so I said do you have a brain that's all I said to her yeah right Nene come on now yeah come on now Nene so don't want to

waste time with her she said she did she added nothing um but oh you know there was actually a very i i thought like a poignant scene with apollo and his kids when he was like trying to kind of like broach the topic of the fact that he'll be going away to jail for eight years oh god remember he was like he went never home never comes home never spends a second with those kids unless there's cameras around and then he suddenly shows up and talks about how sad it's going to be not to have them and kind of squints his eyes so you'll believe him when he says that he really cares and then when he says things like kids what a breath of fresh air fucking learn english or don't talk it anymore okay what are you even talking about apollo kids are not a breath of fresh air to your fucking kids all right he's infuriating

how could you even say that was poignant he's horrible he's a deadbeat dad no he committed crimes and he's going to fucking jail and he never spends any damn time with his kids unless there's a camera there i have no pity for him get rid of him no regardless of i wasn't i wasn't not that i had pity for him but regardless of what he's done or how often he's there, you still have these two kids who love their dad. They love their dad

and they don't understand really what's about to happen. It's sad. I feel like it's sad. It is sad, but they're better off. Well, they are better off. For sure.

They're better off. They're better off without his ass and they're better off now when they can still semi-recover, you know, when this shit isn't happening when they, know i mean at this point phadra can be like well kids daddy ended up getting ice cream in the sky with jesus and he's dead now and they'll believe it you know they'll be like oh they'll cry for a little while. And then, you know, I don't know, maybe whatever stripper Phaedra's dating at the time,

these kids can grow to love. Yeah. Daddy-diculous. Yeah. I mean, it is a sad situation, but it's infuriating to me because here he is on TV trying to use words that he doesn't understand and sayings he doesn't understand.

Yeah. And just using this time to get uh a little more fame before he goes off to jail instead of like actually spending time with his children gross yeah gross i think that was pretty much it right i mean i just let's see claudia kenya um phedra um yeah i mean i guess so i feel bad that we didn't cover atlanta that much this week but not that much happened. And man, we covered Chef Penny a lot. Yeah, Chef Penny, we got her some new business.

Yeah, Chef Penny exhausted me. Yeah. Yeah, I think we got everything. And then there's Top Chef. Someone was eliminated. Oh, it was... Oh, the Greek guy. So that happened.

The Greek guy. Who's that? He's the Greek guy. So that happened. The Greek guy. Who's that? He's the guy with the slick back hair. He was, like, eliminated first episode, then came back midway through the season. That's really sad, because I didn't even watch Top Chef and didn't realize that I hadn't watched it.

That's how shitty this season is of Top Chef, to me. He got eliminated, but tonight is, like, part one of the finale, so there's another last chance kitchen, and he might come back. Man, I don't care about that show anymore it's done i'm gonna start watching food network shows again where they actually cook shit yeah i'm not watching any of these competitions where it's about personalities that suck in the first place i don't care yeah i'm making a stand do it do it all right although a food network star comes back on speaking of chef

penny i will be watching that I love that show even though they've kind of ruined that show too by taking out Susie Fogelson and Bob Tushman and making them appear only like three times a season I kind of like that

because Susie is kind of a bitch yeah that's what I love about her she looks like she either if she wants to fuck them, she's nice to them. Yeah. And otherwise she hates them. Well, she loves the brothers. She loves the brothers.

She's always like, I really think you have a wonderful personality, and I am looking forward to seeing how it expands. In my lifetime. I mean, like, Big Daddy says. But I love Susie Fogelson, because she's sort of like cold and corporate. And she has these very passive-aggressive ways of saying that she hates you. I love Susie Fogelson because she's sort of like cold and corporate. And she has these like very passive aggressive ways of saying that she hates you. She'll be like, I'm just not getting the messaging here. It's just like, I'm just not feeling I'm connecting with your work right now. Or it's just not working for me.

This is uncomfortable. Like the customers or the audience at the time, whatever the challenge is, the customers will be like, oh my god, this was like tuna, but the mayonnaise was rotten and it was green and there was bacteria in it and I feel sick and I died or whatever. And then Bob will be like, well, you know, we looked over your comment cards and

people were a little bit dismayed at the temperature of the spirit of your dish. Like, what? That's not what they said. They said it was crap. People who win that show are notoriously terrible. Yeah, they are.

They're usually terrible. The guy who's kind of a semi-good looking doofy fat guy or fat-ish guy who won, who's like the sandwich king. That guy is the worst. One time he made a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich. One time he made a jalapeno

popper sandwich on his own cooking show. Wait, who won this year? Was it Lenny the cowboy? That fucking cowboy with downs won. I liked Lenny. Crazy eyed cowboy. He was terrible. I liked Lenny.

Today is a chili challenge. I'm a cowboy. He was terrible. I liked Lenny. I'm like, okay, today is a chili challenge. And he'd be like, woohoo! I'm a cowboy! Burnt the beef, burnt the beans, didn't put any chili in it. What the fuck? You can't even cook! I love that show. It's like, not even about how you can cook at all, and you never see the shows. Well, the best part about the show is

that, for some reason, the judges do get latched on to these very boring, bland people. And remember the season was a Jamaica or something like that? There was this very sweet, totally forgettable, totally uninspiring, uninteresting black lady. And she always would serve on mediocre things. And every week Susie Fogelson would be like, Jamaica, you're just like a ball of sunshine when you come on screen.

And we just want to learn more about you. We want to hear more about your journey, and we're ready to go on it with you. So, thanks. You're safe for this week. You're like, what? He was, like, terrible too. But they're so racist on that show that they have to, like, hide it. They're like, oh, we have no

black people again. So, it's just so sad. I love that. The whole network is kind of a disaster and i love every second you know what i love about bob tushman is that to me he's like the the gay white kermit the frog like he looks so much like kermit the frog like a little hand puppet and that's the cutest way like it's a comp and bob if you're hearing this is a compliment it's like you want to hug him you want to hug him i love them both honestly, I love Bob. I love Susie. I even like Alton, Jada, and Bobby because they have good personalities.

I just don't think that Bob and Susie should be relegated to, like, guest appearances. They should be there all along because they also – they do represent the network, the corporate, you know, like, what they're looking for and you know what i love also at the end of every season when the head of food network that like old like uh battle axe whatever her name is she's just like this like very waspy woman who like it's like when the guy like the the people who count the votes at the oscars come out and give a speech yeah she always comes out you just know that she just put down her gin and tonic at some golf course in Greenwich. She's like, I want to thank everyone for participating this year. We always had a wonderful crop, and I'm proud to announce this season's... She's like the big one. I love when she comes out.

I'm here to announce the winner. The winner of the Food Network Star. Congratulations. You're getting your own show at 5 in the morning once a month on the food network yeah lenny and he's like i'm a cat boy and he gets down on his knees i feel like he should get down on his knees and cry once once an episode on his show oh beat the floor with his fist yeah take off his hat like i'm so thank you thank you so much for watching my show hate and i hate him so much that i'm looking at his. Thank you so much for watching my show. Hate. And I hate him so much

that I'm looking up his show. You know what though? I will say this. Remember when Jeffrey Saad was on? He came in like second place or third place. He lost to Melissa D'Arabian. I remember on the season that he was on, I really didn't like Jeffrey Saad. S-A-A-D.

I remember I didn't like his point of view. It was very whatever. And I remember I was I didn't like his point of view It was like very like whatever And I thought he was fake I actually hated him But I went to his restaurant here in LA And the food was delicious And he was incredibly nice

And also very charismatic And I take back everything I ever said about you Oh yeah I've seen this guy I don't remember him even being from that show But yeah I remember him He's been on a lot of things. His food, honestly, is in Studio City. Do these people still have shows?

Like, does Artie still have a show? Artie Party! It's like, today we're going to make Indian food, but enchilada style. So we're going to be making lentil stew, but stirred in are going to be corn chips and topped with salsa and then a bit of pizza on the side. I know. That poor girl, she had to dumb down her entire perspective.

She's like, we're going to be making tuna casserole. We're going to add curry powder to it. I don't think her show is on. I think Melissa D'Arabian, I think she still – Melissa did really well, actually. I actually liked her. What I liked about her – I like her, too, because she's real.

She's like, I'm a broke mom, And I have to spend $10 to cook my kids Five meals a day And I'm going to teach you how to do it And then she really does She's like here's what you can do with the potato Milk and some salt Yeah and she has like real training too Like at first I was like ugh

It's like another one of these like moms They always have all these like moms on there And they're like it's just like oh here comes some like down home Midwestern cooking but she actually has like a sophisticated palate which i appreciate um i learned how to make potato gratin muffins from her and they are delicious wow i believe it i believe it and you know actually you know who i really wanted to win that season was debbie lee um she was the one who wanted to do like korean soul food and actually it was dumb very dumb a food network because i saw her at uh i almost said uber but umami eating an umami and you know how those burgers are so tiny and she's really big and it

was really funny looking at that tiny burger in her big she she the reason why she didn't clearly didn't win was because she was sort of like she didn't have like a warm and bubbly personality but her food always looked the best and her food was also very cutting edge because the whole Korean fusion thing exploded around that time and maybe a little bit after. And Food Network would have been totally on top of that. But, of course, you know. Well, I don't think their audience is necessarily – it's exploding necessarily with their audience. Yeah. They're like, oh, good.

Let's have another show. They're like, Paula, why do you – If you still go on Food Network's Facebook, they're still like, how could you get rid of Paula Deen? I mean... Since when did saying an N-word to an N-word become wrong? Like, no, Food Network audience, let's reel it in a little.

They're like, we need another... We need a 10th version of ribs to make on this network. I don't know. I don't know if it's enough just to get the rib recipes from this person, this person, this person. How am I supposed to know how to make wings the Paula Deen style? I mean, I only know ten other ways to do it. Yeah, it's like the same shit over and over. I know because now that I don't have – I mean, I have cable because I have to watch Housewives, but I't have a dvr because that's like another 40 a month or something stupid so now I just watch housewives basically

and record it on my computer so anything else I still watch on the internet so when I want to watch cooking shows I have to like you know watch whatever crap food network is giving you on their website and it's the same thing over and over they're like now here's aina's version of a corn casserole i mean i generally make semi-classy things but you know what i mean yeah uh i i should say as a full disclosure as i'm saying this i'm literally holding the back home with the neely's cookbook in my hand so but that food is good yeah i made these i made their biscuits i've made three or four things from the neely's and every single one of them has been very, very good. Can't say the same for those other...

Can't say the same for Paula Deen. Amberose, always good, too. Yeah. One of the very first things I ever cooked when I was trying to teach myself how to cook was some shrimp thing from Paula Deen. It was like shrimp in mayonnaise, and I didn't know, so I just made...

It was disgusting. Yeah, Paula Deen's... My mom still will have a fit yeah Paula Deen's my mom still will have a fit about Paula Deen because she's like I made all that shit in the Betty Crocker cookbook when I was 10 and it came free on the back of a biscuit box

I believe it because it's like crunched up corn flakes mixed with mayonnaise you know put over fish white fish it's like thanks Lubies. Thanks for your contribution to Lubies, Paula Dane. Well, I have to say, uh, this, you know, there is something

to be said about those old, like, recipes on, like, the side of things, because, um, this weekend, I made a chocolate cake for my friends, and I used a recipe from the Daisy Sour Cream website. You know, it's like the old daisy sour cream chocolate cake yes they'll eat it well i mean like i mean it was absolutely delicious in

fact if you go onto my instagram i'm not i'm not trying to plug my instagram but if you go on my instagram which is at b-side blog there's a picture of it and i kind of like um i messed up a little bit because when i took one of the cake rounds out um i wasn't supporting it properly and it's split in half. And then on top of that, I misread the directions for the frosting, and I added a little bit too much liquid, so it was sort of like a runny frosting. So when I put the runny frosting on the unstable cake,

it just sort of made the crack bigger, and it just was like a huge cake wreck. But it didn't even matter, because it was so, so, so good. Oh my god, people, if you ever want to make a chocolate cake, make the Daisy Sour Cream Chocolate Cake. want to make a chocolate cake make the daisy sour cream chocolate cake and honestly you could just make the frosting because the frosting tastes like chocolate pudding it's just sour cream with like cocoa and vanilla extract and um powdered sugar it's so good yeah don't even bother making pudding on the stovetop just mix those things together

tastes exactly like chocolate pudding it is absurd yummeh yummeh yummeh oh this has been a lot of food on our podcast today i know i'm actually really hungry now uh well everyone totally different than how i usually am see people this is this is what it's all about if if we get to if we get to a thousand dollars per episode on patreon we'll have twice as much food talk oh my god i know maybe we'll just switch it over to the food network could you imagine i could totally do that yeah i would get a dvr and i would sit down and i would watch every food network episode ever could you imagine bravo on tuesdays and food network on thursdays maybe we could do like a

food network hgtv uh mix because i really need somebody to talk to about the property brothers at home i would totally do that seriously okay so if if we get up to a thousand dollars per episode with watch for crappins we'll do we'll still do watch on wednesdays because we have to cover the tuesday episodes and then on fridays we'll do hgtv and food network stuff. Oh my God. That would be amazing. That's my dream come true.

We will be watching what crap ends on another network. Yeah. So that's it, everyone. This is our, this is our, this is our national public radio pledge period. Go pledge,

go pledge a dollar. Yeah. Thanks to everybody who's pledging. You're great. Yeah. I know that didn't sound very sincere because i'm really tired this is a long podcast i know because we just talked for two and a half hours and you know what you understand that right two and a half hours but you know what running i

had a great time today i mean i always have a fun time but like there's some so here's the thing this is what it is people when we do these podcasts sometimes we do them and we always have fun we always talk but sometimes the way i feel sometimes i'm just like not there like i'm just like i'm tired and you know when you have to talk and talk and talk for like an hour and a half it's hard but sometimes you're just like dialed in and i feel like this is one of those days when i feel like we were both totally dialed in and that was really fun yeah i didn't want to do it today but i'm really glad we did you know what great time wait and if we get up to $2,000 per episode, we'll have a third episode where we just pat each other on the back.

We just compliment ourselves. Yeah, we'll just be nice to each other. Self-congratulatory. Oh, hey. Weren't those other two episodes this week so good? Yeah. What was your favorite part? Also, just a quickie thank you to the people who join us on that monthly hangout thing those are

so much freaking fun and this week i took marijuana candy pill things and ended up getting so stoned and then went to dinner with ben after and was acting like such a weirdo at the hamburger place stoned off my butt and i didn't mind fine thank you i didn't mind i was only sad because we couldn't find a third player you're really funny though when i'm stoned and you're not really you know i was laughing at you in my head but i didn't want to say it out loud because i didn't need to feel like i was attacking you but okay we were like hey what do you like to cook what do you like to cook and i was saying oh i'd like to cook oh fried rice because it's so you know and you're like oh well that's easy i'm like i know and i told you how i make it and you're like well this is how you make

it you're like but you know what else you could add to fried rice mushrooms sake something you you named a hundred things and in my head I was like is this guy autistic you're just being yourself but it was so funny when I was stoned because I was hearing you slowly but it sounded like you were going so fast like I was going no no no no then this then that then this

and I was just imagining what that bowl of fried rice would be. That's just too much shit. Fried rice is supposed to be easy, Ben. Ronnie, next time we do one of the Hangouts, I'll make you some fried rice. Then we'll see. It's a deal. Yeah. Okay, everyone.

I have to do nothing. That was a great deal. Okay, I love you, everybody. We're saying bye 20 times. All right. Bye. Bye. Some major office supply stores are closing,

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