Watch What Crappens - #167: Kim Has No Time For Your Baggage

Episode Date: February 25, 2015

Stuck in a baggage claim trying to find your missing bag? Don't get mad ? just listen to this episode of "Watch What Crappens" instead. This week Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (@banterblender) go to town on the ladies of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." We have a thing or two to say to Kim Richards. Then it's on to "Vanderpump Rules" for more inanity. Finally, the episode ends with us seeing Madonna fall down a staircase. It has nothing to do with Bravo, but when have we ever stayed on message? You can donate to us at http://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: http://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://bit.ly/crappens Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Crap is. Crap is.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? There's so much that happens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just all love to watch. Sort of sad, isn't it? But in the best way. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast give it a listen won't you uh joining me as always is the wonderful and talented and just super super super funny ronnie carom hi ronnie well hello everybody thanks for that lovely introduction well you are super super funny every time i listen back to the podcast i'm always like why am i talking so much? Why is, like, Ronnie is so funny.

Don't listen back to the podcast, Ben. I know. All I do is monologue. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm trying to be more succinct. Oh, you stop it. We're on episode 195 or something. You're doing great, all right?

Oh, am I? Am I, though? You think they wouldn't have told you otherwise? I know. That's true. They would have been like, fuck you, you dumb C-word. I know. You know how that goes.

So anyway, you can find us on social media all over the place. And if you go to watchwhatcrappens.com, you can see the links to all our social media. We're not going to bore you with all those links right here. But needless to say, if you want to follow us on Twitter and Vine and Instagram or who knows where else, the links are all there. What we will bore you with is information about how you can support our podcast. And if you go to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap happens, that's patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com. If you go there and if you donate, you get all sorts of cool goodies. You can

get access to our bonus content every week. Every week we do more chit-chat. Bonus content. We have ringtones. We do a hangout. We did a hangout last week that was really fun. We did shots of whiskey on it, I believe, Ronnie. That was really fun.

Yeah, then we went to a gay bar afterwards. That was just me and Ronnie. It wasn't everyone else. That place was disgusting. It's disgusting. Disgusting. He does that. He does that.

It was disgusting. But anyway, so obviously the show, the main show, will always remain free. But we have a lot of donors now, and it's really great. And we have, I think we have about 500 donors. We are closing in on $800 per episode. And once we get to 1,000, we're going to do two free normal episodes per week, which is really exciting. So I think that's all. Let's do it, everybody.

Let's do it. And then, of course, last but not least, and then we'll get to Bravo, our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins, which is you should like it because it's really awesome. It really is. Yeah, super, super fun times. We'll be reading from there all throughout the show because there were only two shows that we watched this week. So we're light on crappins material. But that never stops us from talking ad nauseum about who knows what. It's always the episodes of crappins

when we have fewer shows to talk about that we go the longest. I don't know, Lauren. Yeah, and there was a lot to talk about this week. There certainly was. Where do you want to start, Ronnie? Well, I don't care. You pick. Do I get to pick let's start

with bevs yeah that's what i was gonna say i like that you pick let's start with bevs you're insincere because i read this article by this fat girl who lost a lot of weight and it was talking about how fat people are always apologizing for everything and how we need to stop doing that because it's not our fault just because we're fat. And like, I'll go in line at... Ronnie? Alright, well this is a new record. We're three minutes into the episode and

Ronnie has already disappeared. Are you back, Ronnie? Yes, my fat girl story broke your Skype. My point was, I'm not apologizing. I will go first because just because I'm a fat girl story broke your skype yeah my point was i'm not apologizing i will go first because just because i'm a fat girl doesn't mean i can't take the initiative when it's offered there you go there you go wow i'm a proud fat woman there's you know it's i love starting the podcast off on such a extreme note of of optimism and empowerment.

Health at every size, motherfuckers. Egg salad for everyone. Yes, man. You better put some mayonnaise in my lunch. Free tickets to Café. Café. You go to Café, you get some eggs out and then you say, I'm going first.

So, Beverly Hills was get some eggs out and then you say i'm going first um so so beverly hills was supes entertaining this week beverly hills was pretty effing hysterical yeah i'm pulling up our watch what craps and thread so i can crib lines from our listeners yeah well let's see so the pretty much the first 25 minutes was this kind of ridiculous conceit where they were doing a scavenger hunt, which played kind of like the Amazing Race, except it's like the kind of like average, pretty easy race. The average walk. Yeah. The average power walk. The average trot.

The average canter. It was like... But what do they call it what is the real company name it's like fantastic race yeah it was called yeah it's like the fantastic yeah fantastic race um someone made a joke on our facebook page last week that they thought it was uh at first a uh some like white supremacist but then oh my god. Let it sink in. Come to my party. It's called The Superior Race. And it is where we tell Mexicans

to learn English. And make black people stop selling little mermaid towels on my property. Blanca, please tell your friend to stop selling little Mermaid towers on my property. Oh, he's not my friend. No, Blanca, he's your friend. I know.

I know you see him on the bus. Tell him. Blanca, please tell your cousin to please stop selling Aladdin posters on my property. Aladdin posters. He's not my cousin. No, no, no. He's black. No, no.

Your cousin. Your cousin. No, no, no. But he's black. No, no. You're a cousin. You're a cousin. It is summer. Please stop selling frozen property when I'm trying to sell my house. Blanca, please tell your friend to stop selling the emperor's last... What was that? The emperor's last... Blanca, I don't even know what...

The emperor's last groove. The emperor's last groove.anca, I don't even know what... The Emperor's Last Groove. How Stella got her Emperor back. Blanca, I don't know what these shows you have, but you're selling them on towels on my property. Oh, I love that their whole plan for the scavenger hunt, these queens are like,

everybody will have fun on the scavenger hunt, just make it about candy and ice cream. Everybody loves candy and ice cream. And by the way, I would have had a great time. It was like a candy store to an ice cream store to a restaurant. I know. They went to three locations all on the same block. They didn't even know where Burden Way was.

They're like, where's Burden Way? What's big Santa Monica? That was pretty sad. They all have drivers or they live in the valley. Kim. Yeah, exactly. Well, Kim didn't even know. Kim thought she was in Oz. She's like, I don't know. Kim's like, if. Well, Kim thought she was in Oz. She's like, I'm going to see the Galleric Road. Kim's like,

if I stop speedwalking, everything is going to crash and all the people are going to die on the bus. She's like, I have a bad news. Leave me behind. Don't worry. I'll be with you. Hey, I'm about to win an Oscar for a movie about a lady addicted to heroin who walks it off

on Burton Way. Stop it, Reese Witherspoon! Hey, me and William Dafoe are just gonna stay back here and then the Vietnamese are gonna shoot us. Hey, wake up out of the helicopter, please. Thanks. Hey! Hey, I'm just...

The Schindler's List is happening to me. I can't go far. You go. Save people. Hey, does everybody see that red rose? It's like Schindler's List! Hey!

There's velociraptors! I'll stay back and distract them. You go to the ice cream store and get safety. Hey, where are them cancer pills? It's like that Liam Neeson movie I did called Taken Hey Look out for wolves Because we crash and Liam Neeson's around

And we see that wolves are coming after us I'm going to stay back here Kim, Kim, Kim The whole way My knees hurt, my feet hurt I can't do this I'm recovering from bronchial cantonosis of the liver. I had a hernia in my knee.

Can't walk. I have an AIDS cancer with a cold. And I need to sit down. Yeah. I was auditioning for the Doc Hollywood sequel, and I hurt my knees. I can't go fast. Doc Hollywood. Yeah, Kim was, this was really Kim's episode.

It was. Because she really went cuckoo cray cray. I mean, not that she hasn't before, but, you know, part of the fun of kim was that she's like this funny kind of crazy and then we find out oh she's funny and crazy because she's wasted and then she sobers up and so we'd never see her but she's still like dusting pictures off with her maid alone in her house being sad and making chicken salad with her hand yeah and then the next year was her we just never saw her because she was insisting she was sober and obviously wasn't and was never on screen. And then and then she was putting like wardrobes by the pool for whatever reason.

And then this year she is back in front of the cameras and it's not working out for her because now she is possibly more sober than she's ever been. And she's awful. Yeah. Well, no. And she's also under Brandy's influence, which is a key factor here. You know, I thought. And also not sober. she's ever been and she's awful yeah well no and she's also under brandy's influence which is a key factor here you know i thought and also not sober let's face it kim was so awful during that scavenger hunt like i felt bad for aileen because i would have been aileen i would have been like the one quietly extremely competitive trying to win this thing but also i like i don't want i wouldn't want to be a bitch to kim i want us all to be you know

whatever but you can see that Eileen was infuriated. She was like, she wanted to be like, hurry the fuck up. Shut up about your knee. We're going three blocks. We're just going to an ice cream store. Just get over it. That's me, everyone. Well, you know, the producers put them on teams where they'll hate each other, which, I mean, I get why they do that because it's a housewife show and you want to see everybody trip each other and be awful to each other.

But, no, that's actually not what's the most fun about it especially this show this show's kind of most fun when they're just being ridiculous and laughing like my favorite scene of this show of all time was when Lisa went to the DMV with Cedric really? that was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen because Lisa really has never you can just tell she's never done it and the dmv really is fucking scary here it is not cute

it it is scary and she just she really looked disgusted and terrified the whole time but was trying to be classy and nice but she couldn't and that was you know i like stuff like that i think that's what's really funny i don't get me wrong Don't get me wrong. I like drunk-ass Taylor crawling out of a suitcase and then, you know, like secretly accusing her husband of abuse until he kills himself when he finds out that she's been doing that. I mean, I like all that too, but. I don't know. I think that this show excels when it comes to fighting. When these women fight, when they actually fight, it's usually serious because these women are just savvy enough to kind of like keep it together. I mean that's why Carlton and Joyce were so bad last season because they instigated fights that felt like they were for TV.

But when these women fight, they generally are like – they're fighting because they are pissed off. With the exception of Brandi who will fight with a stick, you know. But like everyone else, like when Kyle starts starts screaming she's usually been pushed to a point you know uh and same with anyone else and and there's and there's usually some deeper thing going on that that pushes them there like i mean next week we're gonna see lisa rena throw a glass of water at kim thank god and then lunge at her like she's gonna beat the shit out of her i cannot wait for that yeah and kim is ready kim's ready to fist fight like she is not scared i was just re-watching the clip on bravo tv.com yeah and uh kim's going there like she

showed i thought i assumed that kim was going on about harry's sobriety because harry apparently we found out last night just got sober three years ago which is interesting because rena is always talking about his brothers being drunks and this and that, but she has not mentioned that he had a problem. So I guess we learned that one last night. And so I thought Kim was going to be bringing that up. That's what I thought, too. I read on the good old Internet that she is bringing up that there's rumors that Harry has been cheating.

Oh. On Lisa, and that's why she goes Asian. By the way, if Kim brings that up, if that's true, it just goes to show the influence of Brandy. Because that's a Brandy move right there. Totally. You know? And probably Kim thinks it's normal to approach something like that. It's not.

Yeah, Radar Online is saying Kim Richards accuses Harry Hamlin of cheating. Mm-mm. No. No, Kim Richards. Kim Richards, you Harry Hamlin of cheating. Mm-mm. No. No, Kim Richards. Kim Richards, you are high as a kite. Get off the TV with that. That's my big insult of the day. Get off the TV with that.

Well, I mean, maybe he was. Maybe she doesn't care. I mean, there's so many different things that could happen in a couple that other people don't really understand. But, you know, my thing with Kim is, Kim, you've been married three times. None of them have worked. You're stealing cancer pills from one of them as he's laying dying in your house. You have no friends.

You have no love life. You're a drunk and a drug addict and your career is over. Why don't you keep those stones in your purse so you can chop them up later with a credit card and snort them down, bitch? Shut up. Don't throw them don't throw them don't throw stones when you live in a stone addiction okay in a rock addiction don't throw stones when you live in a stone addiction don't throw cock out when you live in a in a cracked house. Don't throw stones when your bathroom is glass and the mirror needs dusting. Don't throw cock when you live in a cracked house.

Don't throw cock when you live in a crack house. Darling, don't throw glass stones in a stone house. Don't throw cock in a leaky bathtub. Darling, stop throwing around that glass frisbee. Stop throwing it

in the stone house. Hey, don't throw glass houses. I've got stones. Hey, I'm trying out for the A's and I'm gonna be a pitcher so I'm throwing these sheets of glass at the wall to see how hard they can break. Don't throw glass in a

stone restaurant. I've got this episode. It's going to be so sad. Darling, darling. This is where our brains are. Darling, stop throwing glass pizza boxes at the stone wall. When you live in a glass pizza parlor.

Darling, Chef Penny made a glass pizza for you. Don't throw it. Glass pizza. There's a piece of stone pepperoni. It's an ornamental piece. You can put it on a table. Kim Richards. Okay, so.

All right, let's go back to the scavenger hunt. So, by the way, on the hunt, we also had Camille Grammer, who was there quietly, and then some woman named, like, Lynn. I don't know who Lynn was or where she came from, but she was there quietly and then some woman named like lynn i don't know where i don't know who lynn was or where she came from but she was there she can't be ring deidre anymore whatever that chick's and dd or whatever that lady's name was god bless her heart and when she tried yelling at people at that party after she got a dye job she's like i combed my hair today and i'm gonna be a housewife yeah you listen to me taylor whatever it's like oh no back down di now Camille's like I'm not doing anything today Didi just do the ironing I'll be right back and then meanwhile she's been on the show isn't it

weird that Yolanda doesn't seem to have any friends like everyone else has like a friend like awful who would want to fucking be friends with you could you imagine being friends with Yolanda she'd be calling you like hey how are you doing good how's it going with you not good i have the lime disease out of the bed today and my eyes hurt and i'm so fatigued i'm so tired okay well great talking to you yolanda do you think david is cheating no did you buy the baby face album no you're a terrible friend Do you want to go see Anwar play soccer? No Do you know who Anwar is?

No Me neither I don't know who Anwar is The Lyme disease I don't know if Anwar is my real son Or just a Lyme disease hallucination But I love him no matter what I love my hallucination like my own son

The tick that bit me got so strong from my blood That he grew into animal and i am so proud of him now i'm so proud of that tick because he has my blood you know my tick um my chick is very entrepreneurial he goes down to the side of the property and sells blankets based off of hercules the animated feature not the new one. My tick is selling nightlights from the Lego movie on my properties. My tick is selling coasters which have

pictures from Oliver and Company. It's a great animated feature from 1988 featuring the voice of Richard Mulligan, who's a great friend of mine. My tick is selling slippers That are themed after the great mouse detective

Oh If you wear them you look like Basil The detective He was a great detective I used to grow basil but it was overcoming the lemons And there's only so much you could do with basil I would always tell Anwar Anwar go crop the

go harvest the basil for me it's getting in the way of the lemons but he got confused and went to soccer instead so what were you saying about stupid Yolanda oh Yolanda doesn't have any friends Yolanda doesn't have any friends because what does she do really like what are her interests

we've seen that she likes to horseback ride, do yoga, lie around in her bed, and take selfies of herself in hospital gowns without makeup. And make toasts about how much she loves David. Every episode. I would like to make a speech. My love. Thank you for everything you do for me and all of the poor children. Let me tell you, when I was walking to my limo today, I was thinking, how can David help the poor? I mean, whoa, whoa.

Meanwhile, the person's like, lady, I just want to know, do you want a Big Mac or fries? She's like, no. Before I answer your question, I just want to make another toast to David. He never eats a Big Mac. Instead, he just gives food to the poor. And I'm just so happy for him. I wish Yolanda could have done Patricia Arquette's Oscar speech. She would have been like,

Hi, everybody. This movie, Boyhood, took me 18 years to film because I have Lyme disease. And I would like to thank David for standing by me so much on this movie, on this film. And I would like to say that we birthed all the black people and all of the white people and all of the gay people, and we have fought for your rights, but you know what? I'm just trying to figure out how to use an

iPad, and women don't need equal pay anywhere because we've had such rich babies. Okay, so thank you, everybody! I want you all to know that Boyhood is about my son Anwar, and I'm so happy for this movie, because for 12 years, I didn't even know he existed,

so I just go look at the movie, and I see everything I need to know. Because I've been watching the Gigi movie. Oh, and my family called what Mohammed's butler took of my son, so I would know who he was in 18 years. Yeah. The entire thing was filmed on an iphone by the butler unfortunately i only taught him how to use it sideways so you have to crick your neck when

you watch it yes it's a vertical movie just like anwar he's very tall just like the movie i thought it was right way up but it is because i'm laying down in the hospital all the time i kept on telling him to film it sideways sideways but he did it vertically because he doesn't speak English. I was like, you have to learn English if you want to know how to direct a good movie in Hollywood. Oh, Yolanda. Women don't need equal pay because we have gotten equal pay for our children

who will support us when we are old. Women need equal apartments, as in every woman gets an apartment in New York City and then you become independent. Every woman can move into Gigi's old apartments. I am so proud of my love for creating apartments that my daughters can become supermodels in and then move out, and then less attractive women can move into. Stupid. Oh, we're both crazy

I know we were I'm not it's only like one here we we've only gotten by the way we've only gotten like two minutes

into Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we keep on going back to this scavenger hunt and we got derailed by Lynn the friend oh yeah Lynn the friend

um Camille poor Camille do you remember when Camille was entertaining for like five minutes on the show when she got mad at Kyle she's always entertaining to me I guess it was fun watching her drive around her ex-husband's house on a golf cart with her friend

employee I remember her friend Hagrid who'd be like and she's like hey Hagrid what dress did I wear and Hagrid's like you look pretty in, Hey, Camille. And she's like, Hey, Hagrid. I'm getting, what dress did I wear? And Hagrid's like, You look pretty in all of them, Camille. I love that you call her Hagrid. She's like,

Thank you for being so big. You're welcome, Camille. Anything I can do to make you look smaller. Oh, God. Those were the days. That's why I started thinking about Yolanda because Camille had two friends. Kyle has Faye Resnick, amongst others.

Kim has Kingsley. Kyle's got a whole pack of awful people as her friends. Her best friends are Faye Resnick and the Kardashian mom. I mean, that's pretty bad. She does. And then Lisa Vanderpump has a million friends. Everyone in that group made a lot of money when O.J. Simpson decapitated his wife. Yeah.

Allegedly. Yeah, they all did. They all benefited. What a bunch of fun women. Lisa Rinna, well, we haven't seen Lisa Rinna's friends, really, but she's new and we know that she has friends because she's famous. She has an agent. Yeah, that's why she's on this show. She's friends with every producer and

PA on reality television, and that's how she keeps getting on shows. Yeah, she was on Celebrity Apprentice, right? She was on it twice, I think. I like Lisa Rinna. I really like her and I normally don't like people like Lisa Rinna who are like always fake positive. Yeah, I love her.

And just like trying to like fake their positivity but, you know, she's really dedicated to that kind of a lifestyle. She's like earned that little red string around her finger because I just downloaded a book about thinking positive and I cannot even get through the first three pages of it.

This is what it says. When you're thinking negatively, think positively. And then once you keep doing that, then you'll be a positive person. I'm like, why does this need to be a thousand pages? If I could fucking think positively, I wouldn't be such a negative cunt in the first place, you stupid book. I'm trying to find out what kind of

drugs to take. You should just be taking lemon juice. I think you should know that by now. I have plenty of lemon juice, Ben. You know what you need? You need to have some lemon juice with some cilantro, and that's it. That saves everything. Oh my god, that's my mother's

catchphrase. You know that, right? You know what you need? what you need oh my god if i say i'm cold she'll be like you know what you need a jacket that's not skin tight on you because if it's so skin tight like most of your clothes then your skin just lets the heat out of the cotton because it thinks it's part of your skin you need to give it room to build up the heat i mean just either buy clothes that are the same a little bit bigger or stop gaining weight that's why you're cold okay well glad or you could turn down your air conditioning right you could do that too this podcast is depressing me i quit well anyway so let's go back to the so so we're on the scavenger hunt so they have to go first have to, like, go to a milkshake shop, which sounds delicious. I was like, sign me up for this.

I've been there. That's the ice cream store where they make ice cream with the antifreeze. My friend Brian, my neighbor Brian. Oh, you know – We had so much fun, you guys. Those places are fun, but I have to say I think ice cream that's's made with, not antifreeze, but liquid nitrogen. Oh, yeah. Of course you had fun. You were like, hi.

It's made with whiteout, and all you do is you sniff the ice cream. Hey, they have this goof-off milkshake. It's delicious. Kim Richards is like, take me to the antifreeze ice cream. I got rid of the gum that was been in my stomach since the fifth grade. It got scraped off my abdomen.

Kim Rich was like, hey, have you had the milkshakes at Valvoline? They taste wonderful. Hey, guys, can I have light rain Febreze flavored milkshakes? Hey, guys, I had a milkshake at Staples. It was wonderful. It was just basically ink toner and ice cream. It was great. At Staples. It was one of those printers that wasn't inked at those. You had to put the colored powder on your tongue and wait for it to melt. I had a Pixie Stix from Office Max. And basically, all I did was take one of those little packets that make sure that things don't get wet and you put it on your tongue. It was great.

Mmm. Salacan or something? I don't know. It tasted wonderful. It tasted like strawberry and moonlight. I made Kingsley into a shake. He wouldn't behave. When he was coming out, he bit me. My butt hurts.

Give me a cancer pill. I put my chicken salad into my Vitamix and made a shake out of that. And I added a battery, too. A battery? Wait, so they were on this thing. Kim claims to be hobbling. Her knee wasn't even hurting. She was just afraid that her knee would start to hurt. That on this thing. Kim claims to be hobbling. She wasn't actually... Her knee wasn't even hurting.

She was just afraid that her knee would start to hurt. That was her thing. It's like, my teepee! My teepee hurts! Got a hernia on the elbow. It's going to affect my knee. So... Syphilis explosion in my knee.

Everyone stay down. Put on your hard hat and save the glasses. Syphilis explosion is going to happen. Three, two, one. Syphilis. Syphilis explosion. I just imagine Kim seeing those billboards and just ducking and covering.

She pulls over. Why didn't my agent tell me about that movie i never auditioned for syphilis explosion i have i have a puppet so i'm ready to audition for syphilis explosion i'm gonna mention syphilis explosion every week and in every recap until it gets out of my head because i don't think it's ever gonna get out of my head google imaging syphilis was the most horrifying thing I've ever done. Yeah, don't do that. If there is a god, what kind of god would make a disease

where fucking makes your nose fall off? I mean, come on. Nose is off. Eyes out. I mean, what? Okay, so they were on the scavenger hunt and Kim was whining a lot. So Eileen's team was in the lead.

That was with Kim. And I forget, who was the other one on Eileen's team? Was it Camille? I think it may have been Camille. It was Eileen's friend with a really sweaty butt crack. Lynn? Was it Lynn? She's like, here's my friend.

She's a makeup person on Days of Our Lives whose butt drowns in its own butt sweat. And you know that Lynn has never seen her butt sweating like that and was horrified. Because you know she works out. She's got a cute little butt and everything. And then she has to find out on Bravo that her butt sweats because none of her friends were ever cool enough to be like, Honey, you're butt sweating. Here's a paper towel. I want Lynn. I want Lynn to be on every episode.

So then, meanwhile, Yolanda's team with Lisa, it's like Yolanda and Lisa and both Lisas. They're like in last place. Yolanda's team with Lisa, it's like Yolanda and Lisa and... Both Lisas. They're like in last place. So they wind up at the milkshake shop, and they're like, okay, what milkshake should we get? And Lisa

Vanderpump's like, chocolate! We'll get a chocolate milkshake. Or Lisa Rinna said that. And Yolanda's like, well, I don't like chocolate. And so, then they're like, okay, we'll have a vanilla milkshake. And then it was just like Yolanda being like, well, you know, I said I don't like chocolate, so now you have to drink the chocolate milkshake, and'll have a vanilla milkshake. And then it was just like Yolanda being like, well, you know, I said I don't like chocolate. So now you have to drink the chocolate milkshake and you have to live with the fact that I don't like it. And that's on you guys now.

I'm like, Yolanda, shut up. Shut up about the milkshake. Okay, Yolanda. They don't have lemon-flavored milkshakes. Yeah. I would like to. The reason why they probably came in third place is because before they drank the milkshake, she was probably like, before we drink this, I just want to make a toast to David, who I love so much. And every time I drink a milkshake, I think of the milky love that he gives me.

Oh, gross. Which, I'm sorry, I was actually not even intending that as a semen joke. She's like, swallowing things I don't like is part of my life ever since I had to get a real job by marrying rich men. ever since I had to get a real job by marrying rich men. But I would like to say thank you to David because even if it was you who gave me Lyme disease through your Lyme-y stuff, I still thank you

for taking care of me and supporting my maid. Thank you, David. I sit. And I want to just say rest in peace to my dear Anwar. Anwar's like, I'm right here, Mom. I'm on the race. Who are you? I'll have another milkshake, please. Thank you. He's like, hold on, baby face. I take back the money I gave you? I'll have another milkshake please Thank you She's like Hold on baby face

I take back the money I gave you To write sad song about Anwar Baby face is like Damn it Locked down on another job Sad song about Anwar Baby face Baby face has wrote a sad song about Anwar

Sing it baby face And he's like Finger in your pussy Not the other one, Babyface. Babyface, sing the funeral dirge about Anwar now, please. Thank you. My mom left me alone in a room

and forgot that I was here. Babyface, sadder. Sadder, Babyface. This is for Anwar, not just for some person. It's Anwar. She wouldn't let me chew an almond. I shot my own deer, and then a chick flew off and bit me in the eye.

And I got limed. And I died. So one of the highlights of this race was that at one point, Dream Team No. three, which was Yolanda's team, they were so far behind that they hopped on a sightseeing bus to get them to their next destination. And watching the tourists freak out was amazing.

I'm not even saying that from a condescending way because if I were on that bus and a celebrity jumped on, I would be having the best time too. Yeah, you'd love that. I usually, when I see famous people, I give them dirty looks and hate them with my soul. I'm like, I don't't care about you i don't even care that you're at the

starbucks okay well i mean it's one thing to see them in person but it's one if someone like hops onto your tour bus like yeah hell yeah well i think i told this i must have told this on the podcast one time i went to the grove and i walked in and every i heard all this screaming and there was a procession of women following Adrienne Maloof down the fucking cobblestone street screaming, we love you Adrienne! And she was waving like she was on a float to everybody.

I was like, wow. I'm not down with that. I am not down with that. But I think it's more like if a celebrity comes into your personal space, if that makes sense. I know that a tour bus is not personal space per se but if a celebrity comes into your sort of like personal space, if that makes sense. I know that like a tour bus is not personal space per se. But like if a celebrity like hopped into my car or somebody did this or that, it's like, oh, my God, that's so cool. Some celebrities, they get excited.

One time, I think I've probably told you this too, but one time I saw Patricia Arquette at the Grove 2, speaking of the devil. And I was coming out of anthropology because I love looking at their like jeweled doorknobs I don't know why I'm obsessed with that but I always go I want to get you a new door I got an emerald green doorknob like from the Wizard of Oz I got you a doorknob

that looks like a lemon but it's in cross with a jewel this way I know which bedroom is yours because I never know where you are but that was the time that Medium was on which bedroom is yours because I never know where you are. But that was the time that Medium was on TV, which is my favorite show. Never miss an episode except for the Molly Ringwald one, which I'll make up for one day.

Produced by Kelsey Grammer. Produced by Camille and Kelsey. It's all a Real Housewives show today. And I was walking out of Anthropologie and saw her, and she's just looking around. And as I passed her, I said, Oh, I love you so much. It's so good to see to see you i love you and she just gave me the dirtiest look because that's really rude you know she's just trying to have a normal day you know she doesn't need some queen coming up to her being like i love you but i do love her and then i was like fuck her for giving

me a dirty look but now i realize that she was like that guy probably makes more money than me because he's a man and so i forgive her yeah yeah she's you know what i love patricia arquette she can be as mean to me as she wants ever since i saw ever since i saw beyond rangoon as a child for some reason i still say beyond rangoon when i get bo or my feet stink i say god those things are beyond rangoon oh my god i feel like the two of us are the only ones who've seen that movie i loved it when i saw it i was like oh my god what an feel like the two of us are the only ones who've seen that movie. I loved it. When I saw it, I was like, oh my god, what an emotional journey she just went on. Patricia Arquette. I mean, that woman, when she got killed in Boardwalk Empire, I lost it.

I started screaming and yelling at the TV. I was like, why? Why? Well, she's in one of my favorite movies of all time, which is not Beyond Rangoon, but Flirting with Disaster. One of my favorite comedies, it like to me that is like up there that's one of the best you ever see that movie from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca ranzi and i'm consciously what do most

people think about when they hear the words Black History. Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights,

she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break

in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now

by joining Wondery Plus. Ronnie? Talk of Patricia Arquette sent Ronnie. Yeah, my energy is a Skype killer. Every time I start going on some rant, Skype cuts off. Or you're just pressing the button over there, which I wouldn't blame you for. No, I was saying that one of my favorite movies of all time is flirting with disaster you ever see that yes another fucking amazing movie even though it

has been what's his face in it who i cannot stand yeah don't like even though i should like him he's not so great for himself i like i like ben stiller i haven't liked too many of his movies recently but um i still think he's very funny. And I think... I'm impressed with what he's built for himself. I think he's an amazing... I look up to him. I think what he's done is amazing,

but I don't ever really get it. If you haven't seen Floating With Disaster, you should. It was directed by David O. Russell, who... Oh my God, that movie was good. People love David O. Russell. But to me, what it all comes down to

is Mary Tyler Moore, George Segal, Lily Tomlin and Allen. Oh, my God. I mean, the movie, I remember Siskel and Ebert reviewing it. That's how I learned about it, because back in those days, there was no internet, so you had to learn about movies by watching that show or reading the New York Times. Or reading the New York Times. And I remember their review to this day. And they said, this is the sort of movie where you could tell the filmmaker was saying, what can we do next to have more fun? Like, how can we have more fun with this? What can we do next?

And that's the way the movie feels. Oh, that is such a funny movie. So funny. And Patricia Arquette was so good on it. Even though I still have, like, that moment when Josh Brolin is licking her armpit is still like very gross to me um it is but that's what's great about her and also i love that her acting seems like it's bad while you're watching it exactly it seems like she's a bad actor while you're watching it but she's not she's not actually really good and like she's really feeling it and she's super internal she's one of those those people that if you were actually acting with her,

you'd be like, this bitch is making zero effort. But then you watch it back later and you're like, oh my God, the subtlety. The subtlety. Exactly. Also, I love that she got fat. I'll say it. I love that she's like, fuck it. You know what?

I've stayed hot all these years. I did not ever fix my teeth for you motherfuckers. And I'm going to eat whatever I want. I'm in my 40s. Suck it. Yeah, I like it it i like that her hair was a mess the oscar she doesn't care she's like whatever that dress was stupid that was like two old dresses like sewn together you know like um what's her sister rosanna rosanna she's at home like i'll sew you two dresses together and then we don't have to spend that money you were gonna use on my rent this month and she's like whatever go for it rosanna no i love i just sort of like all the r cats to be honest i just i do too i um even david yeah even

david or and yeah especially david i like david our kid a lot and um well i got mad at him when he messed everything up with courtney cox well yeah but um but i think that was due to Prozac-induced penis worries. Yeah. That's what I heard. I just, Floating with Disaster is great. And I love Patricia. Like you said, I like her sort of quirky acting style. It reminds me of, you know who's also a very strange actress who I like in her strangeness is Rebecca Pigeon.

You know Rebecca Pigeon? Oh, I like her too. David Mamet's wife? Yeah. you know rebecca oh i like her too david david mammoth's wife yeah she always she always has all her line readings are like totally strange and like do not sound like the way normal people talk but they're so like her daughter's like their daughter is like that too she's the girl from girls uh she's just oh shashana what's her face yeah shashana is her and david mammoth's daughter and she is super weird too i love her yeah anyway back to the scavenger hunt until tomorrow okay so eventually it all ended at villa blanca um and then it was so it was funny

because they're like having a meal and then all of a sudden camille and lynn are like thanks for having us bye i was like oh these poor ladies aren't weren't even allowed to stay to the end of the meal the producers had to kick them. I don't think they kicked them out. I think Camille is trying to do that whole, I don't need this show. I'm just here as a favor to you. And I'm leaving early with my friend because I don't need you. She's like, my friend Patty is nominated for an Oscar.

So I'm going to go to her scavenger hunt now. Bye. Yeah, exactly. She hasn't heard about me and Frasier yet. So I'm still invited to her events. Bye. She's heard about me and Frasier yet, so I'm still invited to her events. Bye! She's heard about me and Frasier.

I like... Patty Arquette, like, not keeping up with the time. Patty Arquette has a super awkward scavenger hunt where she invites both Frasier and Camille. Oh, I didn't realize. Yeah, she's like, I don't even watch TV. I didn't even watch Medium except for the finale because I wanted to see if they said anything nice to me in the end credits so anyway at this meal

then Yolanda's like now wait we have one more game one more game to do now everyone gets a letter you have to spell this out and they spelled out Amsterdam and it was like we're going to Amsterdam I mean really all we've talked about for years And they spelled out Amsterdam. And it was like, we're going to Amsterdam. Yay. I mean, really, all we've talked about for years is Kim's fucking problems. And this year is all about everybody confronting Kim.

And now we're going to go to Amsterdam with Kim. Oh, my God. Why don't you just take Yolanda to a fucking horse farm and just lay her out there naked with no off and watch her get eaten alive? Yeah. Well, listen. Listen. If Kim says she's sober, so whatever. Whatever.

Okay, Yolanda. We're going to take you to one of those ball. What do they call those ball pins where you jump in the balls? Yeah. What are those called? Yeah. Ball pins. We're going to take you to a ballpen, but it's going to be full

of ticks. Okay? Sound great? Great. That's our next cast trip. We'll put you in a tick tank. A tick tank. Hey, Yolanda, we got you some Tic Tacs. Oh, I love the phone call with Yolanda's mom where she's like, Hi, mother! Okay, here's what we need

for the Dutch trip. Okay. We need hazelnut cake. Cheese. Please tell me that these subtitles are wrong. And she's like, please get some horse tranquilizers in case Kim acts up. Please get some staples to put Brandy's vagina closed in case she starts trying to have sex with all the staff. Giving like real instructions because i know she wasn't telling that bitch to buy some hazelnut cake and when

did her mother become slade's mother oh gosh you're so right i didn't even think about that mother her mom's like i don't know what language you're talking but slade's a loser good job oh yeah so then um so then most of the women fly out on yolanda's uh plan first they go to calgary because um because that's where jesus was hung right was that where he rose again or where he was crucified calgary yeah isn't it something like that or he won something there maybe it was like a contest that Jesus won was in Cal something in the bible is Calgary damn it I don't know because I'm Jewish so I don't I didn't read that far but um but anyway so you had the whole entire first book but I didn't know that I don't know I don't I didn't know Calgary was actually a

religious reference too so um uh so David was doing some massive fundraiser in Calgary of all places. sorry. Sorry. Um, so, um, almost all the women flew out to Calgary first, um,

except for Eileen and, and, uh, Lisa Vanderpump, who were going to, I guess, meet everyone in Holland. I guess that was the plan.

So, so they all get on this, uh, private plane. And, I guess, meet everyone in Holland. I guess that was the plan. So they all get on this private plane, and of course... Sorry, darling, but Penny's trying to perfect the hot pocket. It's like a pizza, but instead of being a pizza pizza, it's rolled up into a little square.

I mean, it's amazing, darling. Wait until you see it. Darling, I would come, but Penny's about to debut her newest masterpiece. It's called California Roll. It's just crab meat with rice and seaweed all rolled up. It's going to just take over the city by storm. So anyway, so as they are arriving at the private airplane, of course, we learn that Brandy had told Kim that Lisa Rinna was inquiring about kim's sobriety okay now here's a part that i was writing this recap so fucking fast yesterday because i was taking my diet pills and so i wrote it in one hour and 45 minutes which any recapper knows is insane in the membrane

because this is while i was watching it so i missed some stuff and this was part of the thing that i missed because that whole conversation with Brandy, someone pointed it out and I went back and rewatched it. Brandy is such a C word for what she was telling Kim. She tells her the complete opposite way. Yeah. That it happened. Well, I mean, this is why Brandy is trash. Because Brandy, you know, claims that she has Kim's back, but all she's doing is actually turning Kim against her. She tells Kim, like,

oh, Kim, everybody's talking about it. Lisa Rinna is going up to every person in the cast and talking about your drunkenness and blah, blah, blah. So, of course, Kim now hates Eileen and Rinna because stupid Skeletor has made her. I hate calling people Skeletor. That's so Terry Hatcher, Desperate Housewives. But there it is.

And I'm scrolling now to Brandy's blog because the huge rumor on this show, I mean, it's not even a rumor. If you search Brandy Glanville on Twitter for the past three weeks, all you get is Brandy's fired, Brandy's fired, Brandy's fired. And I think it really was sealed

when she went on Watch What Happens and did that horrible quote-unquote joke that wasn't a joke and freaked out that Jeff Lewis was mean to her and then came out and started telling Andy off on Twitter because Eileen and him were making fun of her on Watch What Happened. So if you missed any of that,

that's what's been going on outside the show. And so now Brandy is doing her best to be positive and it's hilarious. You have to listen to this. And I don't do a Brandy impersonation and I'll make it quick, but listen to her positive attitude. Hello, Bravo peeps. Tonight I'm finally home in LA with my family. I can't do a Brandy impersonation, and I'll make it quick, but listen to her positive attitude. Hello, Bravo peeps.

Tonight I'm finally home in L.A. with my family. I can't tell you how nice it is to just slow down for a while. My mind is on recipes and new kids' projects this week. When I catch up, I will for sure share a recipe. What? Who comes to Brandy Glanville for a recipe? I mean, she's going to make Chef Penny look like Thomas Keller. She's going to be like, okay, here's what you do. You take some butter, put it on a saltine, and then put some grape jelly on it, and there you go.

It's an hors d'oeuvre. Put enough butter on it, and it tastes just as good coming back up. So anyway, it's like four paragraphs of her being like, Yolanda's amazing. And David, David's charity is so great. And I didn't even mind being with Kyle. I'm just so happy to be here. And then she starts getting nasty. Well, you know that about this scavenger hunt. I had fun.

Well, and tendon energy, tendon energy. God, Ronnie. Tendon injuries can last for months, like sticking up for Kim and her drunk ass. The others? Well, you saw what I saw. Sadly, I saw a lot of negativity, complaining, petty unnecessary jabs, and criticizing their own teammates for physical issues they can't control. Quotes from one of our ladies.

I hate clues. I hate the game. I hate the whole thing. She followed this by shooting the bird at yo nice um lisa the only one with a sense of humor on the show on the other hand i had fun i love the sun games clues and getting yeah you're the positive one here yeah shout out to camille for beating cancer with such grace the prize for uh participating in the fun or awful day, depending on which housewife we're talking about, was a paid luxury

trip to Amsterdam. Then David Foster's great, suck David Foster's dick, blah blah blah, great charity, more positivity. And then, on the dramatic side, someone poked the wrong bear. We saw Kim slowly learning that someone has had one-on-one

talks about her private life with everyone on our house. Everyone, that is, but Kim herself. To me, announcing you're a nice person isn't the same as being a nice person. Yep, one new member of our little group is hell-bent on intruding, casting strong labels, making insanely irresponsible assumptions, and stating them as facts all over the place. On the show, the show the internet to the media and on watch what happens live calmly butting into a stranger's life with such strong agenda and absolutely zero knowledge of any details of that life after only a few scattered social functions is a whole new level of crossing boundaries no no no no no i'm i'm i'm stopping

right here okay first of all brandy talked about everything that happened with kim to jennifer jimenez just last week and jennifer jimenez was like well does she have a sponsor is she going to meetings uh does like this and that okay is she going to therapy and brandy's like no her reaction was i don't know i mean i don't know what she's doing of course and then her reaction to lisa rena is well isn't it obvious she's still using isn't it obvious to everybody i mean come on bitch and no lisa rena it's not like a few scattered things. Lisa Rinna was in a car with her, with Kim,

when Kim was high off her ass, off of a pill. And I think if you have a history with addiction, and you have a moment where you are high, Lisa Rinna is 100% right to be questioning it.

Is this woman getting help? She fell off the wagon. This is a problem getting help? Like, she fell off the wagon. Like, is, like, this is a problem. Like, you know, Lisa Rinna, I have no qualms with what she's doing. And Kim, you know, again, the whole thing is, like, you have to take accountability when you are an addict. If you are an addict, okay, the whole thing is right. You apologize, take accountability for your actions from when you were not sober, right? So you don't hold people's reactions against them because you were not presenting like your normal self or whatever. So if Lisa Rinna is going around saying, oh, is Kim sober or whatever, Kim was not sober at that moment.

And so Kim – it's not like for Kim to be like, shut the fuck up. Why are you saying that about me? It's Kim to be like, I'm really like, Kim's supposed to apologize. That's the way it works. That's the way the program works. Look, when you get me agreeing with Kyle, because Kyle said, you know, Kyle, I'm liking the past few episodes because she's Kyle again. Yeah, I'm all on Kyle. I'm like, I've hated Kyle for like years now because I just don't like when she's trying to bring down nice people to get air time.

I don't like it. No, Kyle is back in my good graces. Yeah, she's getting there. But I like what Kyle said when she said, you know, what I told Kim was she should have gone to Lisa and said, listen, I've heard that you've got all these questions about it. And I want you to feel free to come and talk to me about it because if we're going to be new friends, we should speak openly. And I don't like hearing about it from other people because it makes me feel insecure or whatever. But someone pointed out in our comment section on the Facebook page, which is an excellent point. I think Cammie pointed this out, that Lisa did go up to Kim.

She went up to her at that party in the kitchen and said, are you seeing somebody? Do you have somebody taking care of you? Are you in the program? Do you have a sponsor smile she already did all that shit and yeah kim got pissed so actually she did do it to your face so whatever yeah exactly and so brandy is actually just again brandy's throwing the pot and you know on top of that brandy's doing it because brandy don't forget that this all goes back to that awkward wine throwing incident okay brandy throws the wine at eileen and lisa's like what the fuck basically and eileen is sort of like what the fuck and then eileen even on top of that eileen even chastises brandy for making fun of her house so this is the way brandy deals with it she um is like okay and then she starts a hate

campaign against these women she's trying to turn well now brandy's you know she's not really doing it on the show yet because one thing that Brandi has said about Lisa Rinna that's completely true is that Lisa Rinna, you would never know that Lisa Rinna has a problem with you because she's so nice to your face and you don't hear what she's thinking until she's

you know, she hasn't really given Brandi any clue that she thinks anything bad about her until you watch the show. And so Brandy is now Brandy starting this whole thing because she's saying Lisa Rinna is trying to get her kids taken away from her because she's calling her a drunk on national TV and saying that is irresponsible. Well, how about being drunk on national TV every week is irresponsible? Why is it irresponsible to point it out? I agree that it's not really Lisaisa rena's or eileen's place

to be like interfering with kim's sobriety but i don't think that it's bad for them to say something about it it's glaring i have a friend who's like teetering on the edge right now and this girl and thank god she doesn't listen to this shit so i can talk about her and she's to the point where every time we go out she's so shit-faced that it's embarrassing. She causes a scene. And we've told her. We're like, that's enough. And she's like, I'm not a drunk. And we're like, well, you know, it's not even about you being a drunk.

It's just keep it together while you're with me. Because if you yell at me in public ever again, that's it. I'm done. Like, you cannot be yelling at me in a restaurant. And it has not happened since. And she still can maintain her drunk. Look, I'm all for an alcoholic as long as you can just not yell at me in a restaurant okay that's my only rule well look you know what um you know if you act a fool you're gonna get talked about yeah that's right that's what happens that's what happens kim richards so now kim is

so kim is mad at lisa rena and they're on this private plane and then basically Kim Richards goes off on Lisa because Kim was like I'm not going to say hi to her. I'm not going to say hi. So then Lisa's like, is everything alright, Kim? Like, are you mad at me? And that's when Kim is like, shut the fuck up. Don't talk about me. Mind your own business. Well, because Kim's sitting there, okay. Kim's sitting there

on the plane. First of all, Yolanda has passed out magazines to everybody and oh, what a surprise. They all have her daughters in them. She's all, Yolanda has passed out magazines to everybody. And oh, what a surprise. They all have her daughters in them. She's like, oh, I saw that. I'm the Hollywood reporter. And then Kyle's like, holy shit. Her first deal was $36 million,

which I almost shit on the floor, because obviously she's talking about Gigi. That's crazy. Which that kid already has 30. God, I wish my mother had forced me to diet and be cuter. How does Gigi already have a $36 million deal? She's a model. I mean, she's. I don't know, but that's what Kyle.

Well, Kyle read somebody had a 36 million. Maybe it was a quote about somebody else. But anyway, Kim is sitting there pissed off with her sunlight in her face, which Bravo is really not being very nice to these women lately, because that was not a good look. That face looked like crumpled up paper bag in the sun, sipping on. It looked like meth face, sipping on water,

giving Lisa Renna the dirty eye. And Lisa Renna had her reading glasses on. And so she could see it. And she was like, what's your, what's your ish. And then Kim was like, you don't talk about me or my family and like started going all like sofia from the color purple on her

and then lisa was like i'm sorry i was just trying to help what's with the anger and kim's like yeah yeah whatever stop talking about it and like kept telling her off and rena was like okay then i really sincerely apologize i was trying to help that's it now you're still talking about it shut it down and i like how and i like how one of the women was like i can't believe kim's acting like this in front of baby face kyle she's like baby faces here i cannot i so embarrassed. What if baby face needs to buy a house in the next couple of years? He's not going to buy it from someone whose sisters are that crazy bitch.

Yeah, Kyle's like, I'm so sorry. My sister only acts like this at two occasions. That's day and night. Kyle, then Kyle got on my nerves again because now it's all about Kyle feeling uncomfortable and hiding behind a jacket because she's afraid of planes again. Well, no, I think, I mean, she said the plane thing

as an excuse to her sister, but I mean, I get it. I mean, I've been in that situation too before. Listen, here's the thing. Kyle wants to be in with Babyface, whether it's like superficial or not, whatever. But I think we've all been like in that situation where you're with someone who's like cooler than you and you want

them to like think you're cool too. And then someone that you're associated with is acting like a damn you and you want like them to like think you're cool too and then someone that you're associated with is acting like a damn fool and you're like ah so that's what kyle is going through and i get it i mean even if it is coming from a totally superficial like materialistic stupid place i empathize i've been there um so we can all um my lesbian friend is getting married and her wedding planning is to send an email saying we're going to Vegas on Sunday okay what hotel are we staying in

how many nights we gonna be there we gonna gamble we gonna party we gonna have dinner somewhere I mean what the hell lady okay that was my little break so I'm putting what's a hotel for Vegas so we can all book together? I'm sorry, that had nothing to do with this. I'll stop looking at the computer.

It's okay. We both had two confessional moments. But I just can't be around you when you stick up for Kyle, okay? Because Kyle is still an asshole. Like, I still like her, but I don't like that Kim's issue is now about Kyle. It makes me crazy. And you know who else is guilty of that? You know what, though?

I mean, also, though, I mean, like, not everyone can be a selfless angel, Ronnie. I mean, you know, when things happen around you... Well, what I was about to say was the other person who's like that is me. Yeah. Because when I've had to deal with that in my life, I've been very victim-y about it, too, and been like, well, poor me. I have blah, blah in my family. And you know what?

It's not about me. And it needs to not fucking be and maybe Kyle has made me grow by making me see that because I see that in her and I can see how it would have affected her life obviously but you know it's not about her it's about her sister getting her shit together you know so thank you Kyle

you really taught me something yeah I guess that's what I was trying to say before which is that like you know imagine imagine you were going somewhere and there was someone on the plane that you don't really know very well, but they're, like, successful and you, like, want them to, like, you sort of want to be, like, it's like you want them to have a good impression of you, okay? And let's say you have your sisters on the plane and your sister's acting like a fool and you're sort of like, you're kind of like, why can't she just, like, act properly? Like, why do you have to do this? And now, like, and, you know, especially if this is something you have to deal with all the time, and you're kind of like, you know, like, I can see why Kyle would make it about

herself, because at that moment, how could you not? How could you not? How could you have a moment where you're just going to be thinking to yourself, like, step outside of yourself? Like, you know, when it happens over and over and over over again eventually you do get to a point where like you know what i just want to have a you know it's already i'm already on edge because i'm on a plane and here i'm like just trying to i'm trying to keep it together enough for baby face you know so that way baby face wants it might be like it's bad enough that i'm like terrified right now and

it's bad enough that baby face sees me being terrified and now you gotta act like a fool kim like why are you doing this to me i get it well i was that's i was trying to be a housewife and that that's what i was thinking at that moment because i feel like every time something comes up kyle is suddenly about kyle like eileen tried to talk to her about having an intervention with kyle and kyle's like but how do you think this affects me see that's that's bad when someone said about me but that's how I felt at that moment. But then, man, as this episode went on, I was just rooting for Kyle because Kim, it's just such a horror show. And you just see more and more every episode exactly what everybody in Kim's life has had to deal with her whole life. She's a total hypocritical asshole who has no memory of her own life

yeah so she can't even she can't even know that she's a hypocrite because she doesn't remember anything like when she said to kyle um so kyle loses her bag and then i just look for it yeah sorry that's what i was gonna say yeah so she loses the bag and has to look for it and kim's like giving dirty looks and going seriously and she's all pissed off because they're having to wait around for kyle um they've had to wait for kim every season for every trip how about hawaii hours how about hawaii when kim full-on just missed a missed a whole flight remember that she was like a day behind the entire trip for something that was like paid for and like someone bought her a ticket did they did all these things and she was like a day behind the entire trip for something that was like paid for. And like someone bought her a ticket. They did all these things.

And she was like not she was barely even apologetic for it. Remember, Mauricio went off on her. Stayed wasted in her room with her with her fucking mouth breathing Jabba the Hutt face boyfriend. Stayed drunk as hell in her room. Then they finally leave her after she's like three hours late to lunch. They finally leave her. So in this episode, she's like, whenever I'm lunch they finally leave her so in this episode she's like whenever i'm late you just leave me bringing that up it's like are you seriously bringing that up as your defense the trip that you came out to america as being a total addict

with a loser in your room like are you how yeah i i feel like my brain about to pop because does she not remember that like she's bringing up that specific experience when it made her look worse i mean it just makes i couldn't believe i know i couldn't i could not even believe and the and the funny thing that what set her off was that they had this really random moment on the escalator they're all going up the escalator and like kim's baggage was like so heavy that it kind of got stuck at the top of the escalator. They're all going up the escalator and Kim's baggage was so heavy that it kind of got stuck at the top of the escalator and all the women kind of like it was like a pile up on the escalator and some random lady in stripes had to come and help them, whatever.

And they're all screaming and they're all laughing and someone accused, I think was it Kyle? Someone said Kyle did it? Yeah, Kyle said something like... No, no, it was Kim at the top, whatever. It was like a nothing. It wasn't even like a j'accuse moment. And Kim was like, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

And then Kim just goes off. I'm like, you know, Kim, you really have some nerve right now. But in Kim's defense, you know that she's doing this because, A, she's not sober. I don't care what she says, but she's licking her lips weird and talking funny and giving that dirty look to Rinna. We've seen Kim when she's drunk, especially how she is around Lisa Rinna. And we know how she acts. And she was acting like that again. So to me, not sober, first of all.

Second of all, she's got Brandy in her ear. Yeah, I think that's more what it is. And she's always ready to fight. It's like that party with all the bottoms when Kyle was, yes, she was mad at Brandy. But she's like standing on the sidelines getting herself riled up like a little chihuahua who smells a mailman coming down the block you know and she's like she's just getting ready and so by the time they come in she's yelling and screaming and it looks completely out of place and stupid and that's how kim looks it's

like she's just ready to yell at anybody that brandy's got her pissed off about at any moment exactly yeah i mean i don't know if Kim was sober or not at the airport, but I do think that she was being wildly irrational. And listen, I get it. I get, like, you've just had, like, a huge flight. You're probably a little cranky. And it's like it really is annoying that you now have to sit there for 90 minutes while Kyle gets her bag, and you're like, you're probably fuming.

I get all that. minutes while Kyle gets her bag and you're like you're probably fuming I get all that but then to but I just feel like of all people it's not Kim who can make those make those attacks like when there's been too much of a history like let other people be annoyed but the fact that no one else really seemed to be that annoyed meant that Kim really shouldn't have been annoyed because they were like hanging out with each other what else were they gonna do they're going back to the hotel to sleep Kim's missing a really good opportunity she could be walking around that airport getting her own scene being hilarious and trying on hats or doing whatever or trying to speak the language with brandy like you know you're on a tv show you're trying to prove to people that you've still got some kind

of entertaining aspect to your personality use that time don't just sit there and give fucking dirty looks to a clock i mean come, come on, Kim. Make an effort. I just love the way that the whole episode ended, which was basically Yolanda on the bus saying, I'm so tired, I'm nauseous. And it just ended. Yeah, because Kim's trying to start shit. And, you know, my favorite part of that whole thing was Kyle is in the backseat wearing, like, blind people glasses. I don't even know where she got those. Probably borrowed them from Babyface who got them from stevie yeah and she's sitting there mortified in the back of that bus and lisa said you know what she's just mean yeah and that's it that sums

it up she's a mean person she can be sober she can be drunk she can be on heroin she could not be i mean who knows the fact is she's a fucking self-absorbed mean little haggie bitch and she needs to reel it reel it in you know what you know what that mother of theirs screwed them up for real like that mother i don't know what she did but she really she probably did a big like divide and conquer with those sisters she probably pitted them against each other from day one. And I don't know how they're ever going to get by. I mean, they are just really screwed up as a result of that, you know?

By the way, we should also talk very briefly about the fundraiser in Calgary. Because, once again, Yolanda gave a toast to David. And if I remember correctly, ugh, I was going to write this down. Why didn't I write it down? But at one point, I think Yolanda's like, I just want to give a toast to my husband. And then like David Foster, you seem to be like, oh, my God, that's so nice. As if like she doesn't give him a toast every single outing. I mean, I was like, David Foster, just shut up.

David, you know, most people don't like when you're falling all over yourself. There's something weird in that relationship. Like when she showed up to the thing, she's like, oh, David, I'm so sorry we're late.'s like oh david i'm so sorry we're late oh i'm so sorry david we're late i'm so sorry yeah i was like stop apologize stop apologizing like a fat girl you know like i was talking about in the beginning like there's some weird insecurity where she always feels the need to apologize and impress david and it's like don't leave me david don't leave me david where are you going it's like i'm going to the bathroom okay okay i'll be here when you get back with chicken i have chicken here anwar's gonna come out and fly and

say hello we just don't know where he is we have to find him i think he might be in zaire is that still a country a girl named uh christina haber haber i'm sorry i cut you off i thought you were done i was done i was done okay sorry that was rude um christina i made my one zaire joke of the week so i'm sad she posted on our facebook every time i see foster i just see baby grinch and it's hilarious it's a picture of david foster next to a little grinch face and then she actually did another one where she colored him like the Grinch and gave him that hair. And it looks just like him. Well done, girl.

Well done. Very well done. Well done, Christina. Yeah. So she gave that speech. And then it was like all the stars. Can we talk about Steven Tyler's wig? I know.

But you know what, though? I really like Steven Tyler's speech. I thought it was nice. Have I stunned you into silence or did you just leave? Oh, I see. You're ranting. So when Ronnie rants, Skype goes away. Hello, man.

Hello. Welcome back. I was like, oh, well, Ronnie's going on a Steven Tyler rant, so therefore Skype is going to kick him out. It's okay. This podcast will be like five different pieces together. I know. I'm sorry. You're going to be there for five hours trying to put this together. It's happened to This podcast will be like five different pieces together. I know. I'm sorry. You're going to be there for five hours trying to put this together.

It's happened to me, and it sucks. It's actually not so bad trying to put it together. It's just more like GarageBand is just slow. What can I say? GarageBand, I went on iTunes and even wrote a nasty review last week because they changed it. I was like, thanks a lot, jerks. This used to be easy, and now it's not. You're jerks.

I know. New GarageBand is awful. The only thing that's good about new GarageBand is that the loops are awesome, so if you want be easy and now it's not your new garage band is awful the only thing that's good about new garage band is that the loops are awesome so if you want to make music it's good but i have a macbook air so i can't even download all the new loops why can't you download the new loops because the macbook air comes with like as much memory as a phone and so you can do i have all my apps on it and i use external drives for all my animating and music production and stuff like that because Because there's not enough storage.

That's how they're so tiny. So I want to be big man, tiny computer, Ben. I like being big man, tiny car. Big man, tiny computer. I like the juxtaposition. Well, why don't we – I know you had a rant about Steven Tyler. But why don't we instead move on? It wasn't a rant.

It was just like, Steven Tyler, you're richer than God. Everyone loves you. You're 90 years old and people still call you sexy why are you wearing wigs from the witches stop it that's not necessary a nice short wig give you a faux hawk wig even i wouldn't even make fun of you if you did that but that hair was like a 90 year old wig that was down to his feet i don't know i'm down with it i'm down with his wig. Why don't we move on to Vanderpump Rules?

Can you imagine fucking like that when you're like 80? That guy still gets so much ass. I haven't even gotten that much ass when I was young and thin. That guy's like an ass vacuum. He's just vacuuming up ass all up and down the coast, darling.

Darling. Chef Penny. Chef Penny, darling. Darling. Darling. Chef Penny. Chef Penny, the ass vacuum. Does anyone know where Chef Penny is? Oh, is she getting boned by Steven Tyler again? Chef Penny, this tuna tartare isn't going to make itself. Get over here.

I warned you about the ass vacuum, Chef Penny. Darling, don't leave your post. Pandora, get there quickly. Make the tuna tartare. I'm still telling people just in casual conversation. You know, I told her, don't leave your post, darling. I mean, just don't leave your post. And they just look at me like,

what is wrong with you? I can't believe I know so many people who don't watch Bravo. Okay, Vanderpump Rules. Ignoring the segue. There is no segue. You had a good one. No, There is no segue. It's just like... Okay, you had a good one.

No, there's no segue. It's like when Chef Penny serves an enchilada followed by tuna tartare. No segue needed. It just makes sense. No segue is what will get 10 points taken off a scavenger hunt, Tony. It's like when Chef Penny serves a Thai barbecue chicken pizza

and then another enchilada. No segue needed. Just enchiladas every other course. Chef Penny, all right, look. I want a pizza, but instead of just sauce and cheese, I want it to be that buffalo mozzarella, darling, and then slices of tomato. You understand?

All right, I'm just going to change the face of pizza, darling. And then here's what we're going to do. Just a little bit of basil. All right, Chef Penny, just blow everyone away. Yolanda stopped growing it. All right, we're going to have to order it somewhere else. Here's what we're going to do. Just a little bit of basil. All right, Chef Penny. Just blow everyone away. Yolanda stopped growing it. All right, we're going to have to order it somewhere else. Here's what we do, Chef Penny. All right, so Vanderpoop Drools begins with,

Oh my God, we got back from the honeymoon. Okay, here's what we did. We snowboarded. We skid. We played basketball. We went power walking. We went bowling. I was like, Shane gained 30 pounds on this trip.

You did none of those things. You fucked in a bed and got high. Shut up. Yeah. She's like, that was the best Club Med experience of my life. We went to Club Med Azusa. All they have is a trapeze. We had skiing, and so we ate at the ski restaurant, and then we ate at the bowling alley,

and then we went, we walked to the parking lot, which we called Power Walking because there was a Chevy's. We, I took some trapeze courses, and the Club Men in Azusa, you can swing from the outback to the elephant bar, back and forth on the trapeze. That was the best. That was an amazing honeymoon. So that's how that started. Yeah.

And then, since we found out the season finale is next week, Boo! Don't leave us, darling. Don't leave us this way. Don't leave your post. Well, there was, I think Lisa, I think Lisa went and talked to James, because James was, like, folding napkins, sadly,

and he's like, wait, I got mad at Kristen, and I feel very badly about it. And Lisa's like, oh, just do make sure that the purple tape was, like, folding napkins, sadly, and he's like, wait, I got mad at Kristen, and I feel very badly about it. And Lisa's like, oh, just do make sure that the purple table is in proper order. That's okay. She's like, just don't bring Kristen here, all right? You need to do better, all right? Just walk away.

Walk away from Kristen. And then, like, Harry's like, well, you know, I got in a fight with Kristen. I got in a fight with Kristen, and I love her, and I don't know what to do. And it was my fault. I was acting like a fight with Kristen. I got in a fight with Kristen. And I love her. And I don't know what to do. And it was my fault. I was acting like a big bugger.

Kristen. But the best is that Kristen is going all out now. She is not giving up. If she actually made this much effort in her career, she'd probably have one. Yeah. Because she is not letting it go. She is going to make jacks admit that he that uh tom boned that ugly girl yeah so but she's like she's like seriously all my tactics

aren't working seriously so she goes after she's like you know what i'm gonna do i'm going to ask stassi for help and stassi stassi's like telling christina she's like oh my god like christina keeps on texting me. Like, who does that? Like, stop it already. Like, stop it. He's like, Kristen, stop texting me, Kristen. Kristen.

Kristen. And then Christina's like, ew, who does that, Stassi? She's so ugly and stupid. So, but then Stassi, because. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were on the Tom thing. Sorry. No, I'm talking about. Yeah, Stassi. Okay, wait were on the tom thing sorry no i'm talking about yeah

stassi okay wait we have to stop and get really shallow for a second stassi pregnant getting fat what's happening um i i don't think she's pregnant but i don't care if she's gaining weight she looks good with it actually she's gonna need a new chin job but she looks otherwise looks good her boobs look good she looks good thicker i i'm from texas i like my blondes bigger and well-rounded i mean i think that she looks pretty good actually it's just weird because she's coming back on a tv show that she said she quit refusing to work out the restaurant that the show's about and then refusing to film any kind of scene with anybody from the show and then getting fat on tv yeah what is she doing over there well clearly her trip with peter to fat sal's on highland avenue was not her first trip there oh my god can i get that was that fat sales yeah they

went to fat sales owned by once let me tell you what i got i got like a 12 inch i mean this thing was fucking huge it was made with chicken fingers, macaroni and cheese, pickles, and some kind of like hamburger bun and like something like mayonnaise, like some kind of flavored mayonnaise. I almost barfed after the first bite. And then I had a milkshake that was like a half a jar of peanut butter with Reese's Pieces cups and fudge chips. I mean, what the hell with that place? That place is trying to kill you. Yeah, I actually am a huge fan of that place, but I've never gotten any of the crazy sandwiches like the one that you got.

Like, I pretty much stick to, there's some, like, ham with coleslaw and Thousand Island dressing, like a normal sandwich that I get, and it's so good. But, yeah, it's not like if you are trying to lose weight, fat sales is really not the destination for you. So but Stassi went there with Peter and she was like, I don't remember what they were there to talk about. She was just like, well, Stassi is already acting like she's married to a rich person

and she's not. And I hope she realizes that he has not put a ring on it. You're already moving in with him and getting fat. Bitch, you're going to be crying like a little bitch next year. I know. She's walking around like she's Marilyn Quayle, you know? But she certainly is not. But she, yeah, so she was there with Peter, I think,

to talk more about, like, what to do next. What should she do with, like, I don't, you know, I actually don't remember. I got this really bad indigestion when I was watching the show, and I had to, like, lie on my stomach. And so I was, like, watching it, like, sideways, and I didn't retain a lot. You see, even seeing that restaurant gives you indigestion when i was watching the show and i had to like lie on my stomach and so i was like watching it like sideways and i didn't retain even seeing that restaurant gives you indigestion i know i had all of such shit it like it came through the tv it was like the combination of stassi and fat cells is enough to make my digestive system do you know cartwheels um

but ultimately what happened was though that stassi and Kristen, Kristen, they went, they got breakfast together. She's like, I'll, she's like, I'll do a breakfast with her. Like I can do a breakfast with Kristen. But, um, so they got breakfast somewhere. I don't remember. Do you remember where they got breakfast? No, I don't look at the restaurant. I always look.

I forget. Because I can't look. I'm too easily swayed. Like I've been asking my friends to take me to Sun sunset grill for weeks now because that's where we keep seeing them eat and they're all like that place sucks we're not going there i know drop it like let it go i'm like no but i want to eat at sunset grillristin was like seriously like it's really important for me that people know that i'm not a liar so i need like somehow jacks to say that he uh saw tom having sex with a girl in miami so stassi of course is like well she's never gonna say in front of tom you have to

have jack say in front of sheena because sheena will tell everyone and then stassi's like but i strongly recommend that you just drop it and move on nah and kristen's like seriously seriously seriously seriously seriously well how come nobody tells anybody else to move on because like you know like for two years people are like move on move on but no tells anybody else to move on because like you know like for two years people are like move on move on but no one tells tom to move on you know and like he's moving his tiny dick in and out of people and no one's like stop moving your dick man it's all about me man you know like chef penny once was having sex with a tuna tartar but i'm the one who gets blamed for it like that's fucked up seriously yeah why am i the one who's called like a sloppy a sloppy choppy

you know cup of like slime slimy pink stuff when chef penny is making like tuna tartare by the way i'm i am on the sunset grill yelp page and i'm reading the reviews and they're kind of hilarious what are they read so okay this is from sam s i'm gonna read it in kristen voice i specifically stated and politely asked for no mustard on my two chicken burgers. I even said, leave that out, please, as I have an allergy. Guess what? They arrived both with mustard and pickles. Pickles?

Also, the curly fries were stone cold. Seriously? Seriously? Okay, and here's another one, which I'll read in the Sheena voice. Today's lesson, just because Don Henley wrote a song about it does not make it a good choice. Just kind of funny and stupid at the same time. First off, after ordering my cheeseburger, I went into the bathroom to wash my hands. Simply walking into the bathroom made me feel like I now needed a shower.

Second, I'm one of only three people in the restaurant. Why does it take nearly 15 minutes for a simple cheeseburger? And the music, oh my god, don't even get me started hoes in different area codes uh nope no don hamley here then old drunk crazy lady attempts to sit with me that's it i'm out seriously with about a million places to get burgers in l.a i will never choose this one again seriously seriously seriously oh my god i'm gonna barf yeah just kidding you know why because i got a mr jacks taylor's instagram oh good because whenever we read stuff online that's my favorite that's my favorite stop the bravo the bravo blogs and the jacks taylor instagram it's actually pretty good today he's getting much better at it.

There's a little crazy girl eating an ice cream. And he wrote an apology yesterday that says, sorry to everyone. And it says, sorry about the pit bull comment. That was so uncalled for. And I didn't mean to harm to the breed. Was caught up in the moment and said something I shouldn't have. Sorry again if I offended anyone. Was not my intention. Have have a good day and then he took a screenshot of that apology and then put it everywhere i guess what was his pitbull comments glad you addressed that it's an

insult to the breed to compare them to kristin it's ridiculous that people got upset over that comment you You weren't saying anything bad about pit bulls, but saying something bad about Kristen and how she acts. People need to calm down. That's some funny shit. Wow. Wow. Seriously?

Yes. Kristen's are overbred and they do fill shelters and no one wants to take them in because eventually, you know, they could be nice for a million years, but eventually they're going to try and bite your face off. Yeah. Right? Exactly. Kristen. Kristen.

Kristen. So anyway. Speaking of dogs, there was this random thing where Lisa had like a dog event at Pump and Lance Bass was there. So that happened.

Lance Bass who, wow. Lance Bass is on every Housewives episode of all time lately. Lance, we get it. You have some podcast, okay? Yeah, he has a show. Like buy some Google AdWords or something. He has a show on SiriusXM. Well, who doesn't?

I know. Come on, stunning. We should be syndicating to Sirius, darling. Yeah, $5 a week, that can't hurt. Chef Penny's doing the craft service for Sirius XM. It's a radio show. She's serving up little zucchini bites. Little zucchini pies.

She makes them in a muffin tin and puts them in the oven. Oh my god, let's do something with, we'll do it like noodles, but instead of noodles, we'll make them look like... We'll make zucchinis look like noodles, and then we'll call them zoodles, darling. All right.

Make it happen, Penny. Darling, here's what we're going to do. We're going to take some meat and put it into a big bowl and then put it on some spaghetti. We're going to call it meatball and spaghetti. It's just going to blow everyone away. Okay, so what else

happened on the show? So they got together at the Sunset Grill. Wait, was that where they were? No, no. We just started talking about it. Oh, I think we were

on Stassi and Christina, right? Stassi and Christina had a scene. I remember Christina did something and I was like, you are so awful. But I don't remember what she did.

She's such an ass kisser because Stassi's like, Lisa called me to even style the shoot. Oh, that's what it was. That's what it was. It's like Lisa's trying to give you a scene on the show again, which you're being a bitch about, instead of being grateful for. She's like trying to help you out here, lady. And Christina's like, why would you do that? Like, you hate all those people.

I would never want to pick clothes out for people that I hate. And she's like, no, but you should totally do it and put something on Sheena that's like five sizes too small. I'm like, Christina, that's so cute of you, the person who's never in this photo shoot and probably still won't be again this week. You sad little bitch. Why don't you just be quiet?

Yeah, we've had enough out of you, corpse bride. Sorry, I just got real catty right there. Sorry, we've had enough out of you, Corpse Bride. Sorry, I just got real catty right there. Sorry, it's not me, babe. She does look like Corpse Bride. Christina, how could you be saying those things? Babyface is right behind me. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah, that's right. She's like, makes you not

wear something that's like five sizes too small. God, what a bitch. And she said some other things about other people, too, about what they should be wearing. Yeah, and then she shows up to work and she's like five sizes too small. God, what a bitch. And she said some other things about other people too, about what they should be wearing. Yeah, and then she shows up to work and she's like, Hi, why don't you tell me some gossip? So she can run back and tell Stassi. I mean, that is some sad shit

because Stassi's not even going to be on this show next year and everyone's going to see what you did and now no one's going to talk to you. Dumb dumb. And you're never going to take the place of Stassi. so why don't you just stop trying, okay? Stop waiting in the kiddie pool. Get out. And then Katie is meanwhile like,

Tom got me a ring on a string. It's just like, it's not what I wanted. Like, I wanted an engagement ring, not a ring on a string. It's like, alright, here we go again. I'm sorry to go Dr. Laura on your ass, but you are not going to change a man and the fact that you've been here for so long means that you deserve any kind of abuse that's heaped upon you

including that you're about to find out that your boyfriend is fucked half of miami or whatever you deserve it because you're still with him get some self-confidence i mean i know you go to la fitness there's plenty of hot straight guys there why don't you try not talking for about five minutes and get one girl yeah because tom was like yeah my version of like a commitment at a wedding is getting you a dog and a ring on a string and she's like yeah and then he jokes about it that guy's like he's never gonna change that man is gonna be cheating on you your whole life forgetting valentine's day i feel badurbating too much to make love. I mean, come on.

We all know what's going to happen. See, here's why I feel bad for women like Katie. And, you know, in some cases, sort of like women like Kristen, too, where, you know, their biological clock is ticking. And in their mind, it is. And so as a result, they are like, well, I've invested this much time with this person.

So therefore, I want to see it through because otherwise I have to start all the way from scratch. And so when she's like, I know this is the guy I'm going to marry, she's saying that mainly because she's like, because I've invested this much time in him and I don't feel like starting over. You know, it's like, oh, like, I feel bad. I feel bad that

women, there are women out there that feel that way. Well, we all know what it's like dating in LA, first of all. Because it's not like dating in Austin or somewhere else where I'm, like, handsome. It's like dating in L.A., first of all, because it's not like dating in Austin or somewhere else where I'm like handsome. It's different here. Like people are no one wants to grow up. No one wants to admit they're getting older or get married or like no one does that here until we're almost 40, it seems like. And girls like that, I don't feel sorry for because you're wasting your life getting wasted with some moron waiter instead of out looking for a real man.

Well, she's a real man. Go find one. They're all over town. They're working at job like real jobs you know what katie is pretty and even though we call her horse face number two she is pretty and she can find someone pretty she's just not pretty enough to be going on tv and calling herself a model and saying that uh that uglier people cannot get exactly as a waiter and the thing is that she can find someone who's cute like tom or cuter you know who treats her better she just she hitched she hitched her wagon onto the wrong mule and she uh she won't let it go but you know what pieces of shit and you do go find a real man who does want to get married and have babies and has a job guess what they're as

desperate to do it too and if they find the right woman, it'll happen within a year. But you're not going to talk some broken-legged mule into climbing up a mountain because he can't do it. His legs are broken. Do you understand? You're not going to fix a broken mule's legs. Katie, drop him. And then next season you can come back and be like, oh, my God, I am so over, sir. Like, I am so glad I left it and I have a new man. And now I'm going to just, like, be totally over it and i have a new man and now i'm gonna just like

be totally over it and then talk about it all season how over i am see yeah every year it could be some waitress who you think she's getting somewhere in the world and then just gets really fat and gets pregnant by some rich guy i know stassi i mean even i mean good for stassi for at least acknowledging that she's gained weight but uh not that there's not that there's anything wrong with it but there's not. I think she looks really good that way. It's just awkward watching Stassi because she has no self

awareness at all. I think she doesn't look good like that, but not because she's overweight, but again, because she dresses so matronly that... She was wearing shoulder pads and a giant chunky old lady necklace. Exactly. So I think the combination of the weight gain and this frumpy style makes it look like she's given up, if that makes sense. I'm not saying that if you gain weight, you've given up with anything.

But the combination of this whole look is just kind of like this sad, like, you know, she's now making herself look like she's 40. She's trying mental in her mind. I'm looking at it as her jumping already into being a junior league woman with two kids and a rich man in a house in the burbs and she's like taking on that personality unfortunately none of that has happened yet okay i can walk around giving oscar speeches all day long but i've never been in a movie okay it looks crazy stop it yeah stop it Stop it right now. Stop it. You look like a crazy person, lady. Yeah, get off the TV. So, anyway, so eventually Horseface, number one, orchestrates a meal at, like, one of those generic restaurants on the roads that they always go to.

And so it was Horseface and Jax. was james there i think james was there and shana and shay no james was not there but um rachel this girl rachel who's kristin's friend and and basically kristin starts like basically attacking jacks for not telling the truth about what happened in miami and finally jack says like telling the truth about what happened in Miami. And finally Jax says, like, okay, well, here's what happened. Tom had sex with that girl in Miami. Which is nothing new. We already knew that Jax was saying that. Well, we already knew, I guess maybe because we saw Jax talking about it. And there's no bombshell here.

Jax is saying he was in the room having sex, but Tom said that Jax was down on the beach screwing some girl down on the beach and wouldn't know anyway because he wasn't there so what is it it was like a bombshell moment except for the fact that jax is like a full-on pathological liar and nothing he says can ever be treated as the truth and he never saw anything anyway but so what the hell and kristen goes yes and she's like sitting there with her cross-eyed smile and her like chin pulled all the way back and they're like upper teeth jutting over her body like she does or like foreheads pushed out and her eyes are crossing i don't know if i can describe that very well but i can do it really we need to have one video podcast just so i can do kristen that's that way we can do the shoulder move too that she does

but i'd like to also add that even though jackax is a pathological liar and you can't trust anything he says, Tom has also proven to be very good at doing a long game wide. He's a liar and he totally fucked that girl in Florida. He totally did it. Well, my theory is that one thing that Sheena said stuck with me and I'm sure she didn't mean it this way, and I take too literally what people on these stupid shows say. But when she was going off about it and saying, look, nobody cares, Kristen. Okay. His girlfriend knows, and she doesn't even care. So what are you doing?

Like, why are you doing this? And I'm wondering if his girlfriend is just a little kinky and knows that he's going to be going to Miami. She knows he's going to be surrounded by all these people. And maybe they're like gay guys and they have certain rules and they can get like blowjobs or whatever. Like, I don't doubt that for a second. I don't know a couple lately that's not kinky unless they've been together, you know, 20 years or something. But most younger couples I know are pretty open to a degree. Right.

So I wouldn't doubt that. But the best line of the night, and I interrupted you again. I'm doing it on purpose this show. The best line of the night was when Sheena goes, look, Kristen, no one thinks you're crazy because of this. They think you're crazy because you chased a girl to Miami. And then you brought her here. And then you went like that. And then she lists off, like, 30 things.

And she's like, that's why. And then Kristen, then, I like Kristen's like, I'm sorry that your best friend has a boyfriend that cheated on her. But that's just the way it is. Seriously? Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. It's like, i'm living well um one of our listeners um emily uh emily tate hawker also brings up horseface's best line of the night which says it's not about being obsessed

with tom it's about being obsessed with honesty seriously yeah i'm obsessed with truth warrior yeah exactly like someone like the leading text about fucking jack's on a couch for a whole year yeah exactly she's obsessed i love this show i love it i'm sad that it's ending next week next week is the season finale um i am looking at comments on the facebook um why was yolanda sitting on the floor of the plane at babyface's feet as he ate because that is yolanda's woman pose that's that's how yolanda has made it in the world by being fucking led around by men and just sitting there and like soaking up their success okay that's just what she does if husband's not around, she'll find the most famous man.

If it was the fucking captain, she'd be like, Oh, captain, I read about you under thrifty nickel. And she'll sit at his fucking feet and stare up at him for a while. Sad ass woman. I know.

So sad. We're all going to Amsterdam. Except you, Camille and random lady. I know Lynn. Lynn, you, uh,

you get to go to Azusa and hang out with Ashina. So let me see what else here. Yolanda's orthorexia nervosa. That is the clinical term for people like Yolanda who hide an eating disorder by disguising it as eating healthy. I like that. I disguise my eating disorder by talking about eating all day long does that count yeah would you rather get jacked or petered oh petered i don't know about that he just doesn't get as much screen time he's just as disgusting i'll bet you yeah i don't know but i don't feel like

he's a pathological liar which somehow feels better yeah um but you'd have a lot of hair in that drain god every time you took a shower you'd be like why is the water coming up to my ankles because your fucking husband won't clean the drain out after he showers like kyle must be like living with kyle but the fact that he has such bad game is kind of sexy um i mean i don't know i don't know i've given up i feel like you have to have like amazing game or no game at all but anyone in between it's like no i have really good game when i'm drinking but then i wake up and i'm like oh my god i was playing game on the wrong person i think i need to just like drink less but then i don't want to have sex with anybody if I'm sober. Oh, the dilemma.

I have always had a very awkward game. Like just really like bumbling. That's part of your game. No, but it was never a good game plan, I tell you. I had many, many awkward game moments that involved me like smiling and nodding and then eventually quietly walking away. I'm not. I get all like total confident top in my game. I pick one out and then I just go up and I'm like, hey, baby. And I start talking like that. Like I put on this act.

And it works every time. But eventually you got to wake up and be yourself. And I'm like, hey, what are you doing? I want to have rolls. And they're like, hey, what are you doing? I want to play a game of Rolls. And they're like, I'm never getting a boner again. Bye. I once had a super confident game. One time I had the most amazing game.

It happened once. I was at this random event. And I brought a friend. And I think the friend thought we were on a date. And it was really annoying because there was a guy there that was hot. And we were checking each other out the entire time. But like I couldn't like go like go talk to him because I had this friend with me and the friend was treating it like a date. So we were leaving the venue and eventually I was like, you know what?

This is fucked up. I refuse. I refuse to like walk out of here. I was making eyes with a hot guy. I refuse to just let that go. So I told my friend, oh, wait, can you wait here for a second? I have to go inside, go to the bathroom. So I went back into the venue and I knew I only had about like a minute, like 90 seconds, you know, to find this hot guy or whatever. So I

walked up to the guy and I was like, Hey, uh, I think you're really cute. Here's my number, you know, text me. And I walked out and it was like, this is just a very quick, like boom, boom, boom. Like I'm not even giving you a chance. I'm not even going to give a chance for do a flirty. I'm just going in and saying this. And I like walked out it was like this just a very quick like boom boom boom like i'm not even giving you a chance i'm not even gonna give a chance for do a flirty i'm just going in and saying this yeah and i like walked out of there and my heart was beating so fast like i can't believe i did that i can't believe i did that and uh and then he texted me that's really good actually that's not awkward i know but like i can't do that normally i do but you know i don't know i'm just like kind of grossed out with just being gay lately because i told you like a couple weeks ago i had so much fun that my penis came back to life and i've been losing weight and i've been healthy and exercising and just eating great and my attitudes changed and

i've started like going out and seeing guys and i don't know it's like all coming back to life but they're all disgusting okay and like dick pic dick pic dick pic every time i open my phone if someone's dick it's like the new emojis i don't even have to ask how they are because i could tell by their dick okay it's like it's a sad and rainy day i have a sad and rainy dick pic on them i've got like i'm excited to see you pick it's like ready to bulge out you know it's like stop with it who does why do we need that does that can we just like make out for a while and i feel like there's so much pressure to be weird like if i'm not gonna pee on somebody shit on their chest or something i'm not gonna find a husband like what have gay guys had that much sex that we have to like lick each other's armpits to

get off really because i can still get off with some good old-fashioned penis slapping. I mean, what the hell, gay guys? I know. It's too advanced. Let's just all calm down a bit. How about gay guys put down the porn? Probably all men. Because, you know, my girlfriends also complain about their men not being able to get it up. And so I watch this TED Talks about porn addiction.

And everybody's just, no one can get it up to have it with real people anymore because they're fucking the internet so much. Yeah, I believe that. No one can get it up to have it with real people anymore because they're fucking the internet so much. Yeah, I believe that. Let's just all give up porn and see what it's like when our dicks come back to life. Okay? Stop looking at your phone and wait for your penis to stir. Exactly.

All right, that's my goal. I'll let you know how it goes next week. In the meantime, everyone send Ronnie a dick pic to make him feel better. Put it on our Patreon page, Duncan. Yeah, Patreon. Donate with dick pics and that will you don't have dollars you send me some dick pics and I will send you some ringers yeah exactly or cock rings whatever

whatever you want it all works oh my goodness well on that note Ronnie well I hope the dating scene gets a little better for you take them to serve no I just I think I'm just not meant for humans

I think I'm meant for a good sex toy and some like romantic Julia Roberts movies and just alcohol I'm just going to become another drunk washed up but I need to get a career first so I can be washed up yeah anyway it's over

sorry i talked about that love is hard love is hard in la what can i say you're my best friends everybody love's hard in la it is because also i'm like there's a syphilis explosion oh yeah like you can't just go out and have sex with people because lord knows they've all had sex with each other i don't want their syphilis explosion. I saw missing noses on the internet. There will be no syphilis in this home. No, none. Unless they come out with one of those little pieces of paper

that you put in someone's mouth when they're doing Atkins to see if they're in ketosis or whatever, like you pee on it or whatever, to see if someone has syphilis explosion. Or lades. I know. Something just happened with Madonna.

It's blowing up Twitter. Just so you know. Let's talk about it. I'm going to press play right now. It's some video. I will hold your earphone up to the thing. Okay. Hold on.

She's singing. Oh, Madonna fell down a staircase! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh my god. Oh. Oh.

Poor Madonna. Oh no! This is as good as... This is like when Castro fell down a staircase. Oh. Oh my god. I'm telling you. Everyone look it up.

Are people laughing their asses? People are so rude. I feel bad. I feel bad. I actually feel bad. It looks like it really hurt. She like fell down a stair. That woman is 90 years old.

She can't be falling. Someone wrote... It's like seeing an old lady fall off the bus. Oh my god. Oh my god. It just happened. People are lady fall off the bus. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It just happened. People are such dicks, man. This literally just happened the past minute.

Someone put, is there a vine of Madonna falling? Ben, get on that and get it on Twitter, darling. Your social media will explode. It'll be like a syphilis explosion, but with lights. Chef Penny, quickly, put a cake on the Madonna. Come on, Ben. Get on it. I know your vine's on it. I know you have vines on it

You've already got it pulled up on your computer Write that shit right now, man I mean, I have it Finger on the pulse, darling Finger on the pulse Let me get the link This is from Nick Walsh Oh, of course, Nick Walsh has got the finger on the pulse

Speaking of, hurry before fucking Nick Walsh does it Because you know it's coming Wait, you want me to put this on the page that's nick the intern for those of you who remember um yeah put it on the page um okay so while you're making your vine i'll do the closing everybody thank you so much for listening and especially those of you who are supporting us by going to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends and donating because we are actually able to do this more and work less which has been amazing we're close to our goal of a thousand dollars which means we'll be doing two free episodes a week um our benefits are free bonus episodes

this week's all grammys and me complaining about how white neil patrick harris is and all that good stuff you can also get ringers and a Google Hangout that's super fun. Actually, we should pay you for that because it's more fun for us, obviously. Please come to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash watch what crap is to talk shit with other listeners and post your own Housewives links and read ours. Please read

my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps night of at Trash Talk TV. Find Ben's other podcast, The Banter Blender, where he'll be talking about Madonna falling down the stairs for the next 10 weeks. And I think that's it for all our social media links. Our Twitter, Facebook, blah-de-blah. Go to our

watchwhatcrappens.com page where it's just a list of all of our shit. So go there. And I think that is it. Dot links. I'm adding the Vine right now. So people... Here it is. Darlings. I'm adding it. I'm adding the Vine right now. So people, here it is.

Although you probably have seen it already by the time you get to this part of the podcast. Yeah, tweet that at my trash tweet TV and I will retweet. Let's get that trending, darling. Everyone is saying, is there a Vine of Madonna? Tag it, Vine, Madonna, and follow me, please. I have to teach you how to tag. Yes. All right, everybody. So there you go. Until next week, let's hope no old people fall downstairs.

Yes. Except for Brandon. Okay. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. If you like listening to comedy comedy try watching it on the internet the folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with

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