Watch What Crappens - #189: Ramona's a New Old Woman! Plus: Pimp Furs

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Ben Mandelker (Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are back to giggle their way through another long ass episode. Real Housewives of New York is on the menu, and of course, a loving tribute to mark the end of Southern Charm?s season. Come on in! Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Y'all know I love me some People magazine. I love it. Where else are you going to find a magazine on the cover?

It says kayak murder mystery. I mean a kayak murder mystery. Where are you going to find that? Tell me. I love me some people. There's a 22 size model on there. Size 22 supermodel. Tess Holliday.

Love it. Diet's off. Emma Watson face. I love what you're doing for the world, Tess Holliday. If you guys want to read this, you need to check out Next Issue magazine. All right. Next Issue is like Netflix for magazines, only better because you have access to the latest issues. You're not just waiting around. Next Issue is the new newsstand. Nextissue.com has all the best, most up-to-date magazines on the newsstand, but delivered to your phone or tablet. Check it out. Go to nextissue.com slash crappins for your free trial. It's like a buffet

of magazines. And of course, they're mentioning buffets while I'm talking about going off my diet because of this new model. All right. Binge read, get it, all of your favorite magazines in one place. Over 150 magazines from People and US Weekly to Shape, Self, Food and Wine, and many more. Actually, it's Us Weekly, not US, sorry. That would be a way more boring magazine, I guess. So, come on, check it out. Go to nextissue.com slash crappins for your free trial. That's a $15 savings.

It's a great deal and it's only available if you go to nextissue.com slash crappins. You know, join the revolution, y'all. Both the magazine revolution and the let's all break our diets and just become supermodels i'm down hey everybody welcome to the watch what crappens podcast the podcast about all that crap we love What happens when there's so much that happens? Ben Mandelker of the B-Side Blog and Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. You are so complimentary. I just wish I were muscular, but I'm just spindly.

Well, you look like it from far away, darling. I mean, I haven't seen you without your clothes on, but... I'll just be sure to stay 50 yards away from everyone at all times. You look great over a microphone. Oh, thanks. No, you look great in real life. You look great over a game of Catan great in real life you look great over a game of katan bin oh i love me some katan so thanks to everybody who's been listening to this and

sponsoring us on patreon.com slash watch what crap ends um you can get our bonus episodes there and uh this next month when we do our live Google Hangout, we found some software that will allow people to watch and type. So if you can't get in because those are actually getting really crowded and people couldn't get in the past couple of times. So even if you can't video chat, we'll still have ways to communicate and talk together. It's one big party. And also come to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash watch whatens, to talk shit with other listeners because they're very funny. Twitter, we're at whatcrappens. You can find all our social media links at watchwhatcrappens.com.

I'm trying to speed this through because we've got so many ads today. So thank you, ads. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, advertisers. We actually have a sponsor. Next Issue has actually purchased ads for the rest of the year on this podcast, which is super cool. Once a week, once a week. Yeah, we've got a sponsor, darling.

All right, so that's three commercials today. All right, so we'll speed it along. So we're going to put one in from our lovely sponsor, Jamie, and here you go. Do you find yourself longing for the utter nonsense and bullshit of Vanderpump Rules? Or miss the heavy makeup and radioactive orange spray tans of the Jersey Shore? Don't have the patience to watch yet another reality TV show? Well, I hear you there. The solution is The Only Way is Jamie,

a newish web series covering every season of the UK reality show The Only Way is Essex, which, if you have not seen that show, is hilarious. You can catch Jamie Z, that's J-A-Y-M-E, and the all-British shenanigans on YouTube, darling. I mean, come on, we've all got questions. What's the picture of us all? And we're back. All right, so, Benjamin, what do you want to talk about today?

I want to talk about the fact that we have yet another ad. Sorry, Ernie. Oh, my God, Ben. It's an ad orgy, Ben. It is an ad orgy. This one's quick. Okay, this is from BoxyCharm, which is a beauty subscription box that sends you full-size products ranging from cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and more for only $20 per month. And free shipping with no long-term commitment.

And you can cancel any time other companies send sample sizes but boxycharm sends you full-size products and boxycharm promises a total value of $95 or more each month so it's worth 95 or more but you get it for 21 it also offers exclusive members only offers and giveaways from the best brands, and subscribers can receive loyalty points to redeem extra goodies for their box. It's perfect for treating yourself, your wife, your girlfriend, your mom, your friends, or maybe your transitioning friend. If you're still not sold, just search BoxyCharm on YouTube to access thousands of unboxing videos.

Sorry, BoxyCharm, I only stuttered through three quarters of that. But we're done. I love a good unboxing video. Yeah. Well, isn't that... Have you ever watched those? Like when the new iPhones come out and you're like, yeah, I'm going to... Well, not your, but I go watch that shit get open on the internet.

I know. I've definitely seen some of those boxy, like unboxing charming videos. Ha ha ha. Um, so we have a, so we have a, we have a,

we have a fun show ahead because we're going to be covering, uh, New York and Southern charm, both of which served us some really entertaining episodes. But I have to say, I think it's time to mobilize the watch for craven's army because we have a great mission for everyone we need to get chrissy teigen on this podcast she is a supermodel uh married to john legend and uh she's also a bravo super fan she just recently

tweeted some stuff about princesses of long island and southern charm so it shows she's like into like the real like the the deep the deep cuts you know she's in deep she is in deep so i tweeted at her i was like you should come on the podcast and of course she didn't write back to me but i think if we can mobilize our listeners to somehow get her on the podcast i think that would be the most amazing thing ever. Someone with the last name of Teagan has some BoxyCharm boxes on her way. Or at least a magazine from Next Issue. I think that would be so cool.

So I don't know what we do. I guess people tweet her, or if anyone knows her, or knows her agent or PR person, tell her we're really cool and nice. And she shouldn't be weirded out by the fact that we've had all these ads. Yeah. Great pitch. Great pitch.

Great pitch. Great pitch. Great pitch to Tegan. Chrissy, come on the podcast. Hopefully we'll read about that in the next issue of Next Issue People magazine. All right, so let's see who drops a bomb on Watch Where Crap Ends. What do you want to talk about first? We've got Real Housewives

of New York today and Southern Charm. Oh, they both were so good, and I can go either way. Let's start with Real Housewives of New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know it's going to be a fun episode when it starts with Ramona hacking up a lung. You know what? I have a cold. You know what? But you know what, though? I was just at the doctor. But now I'm here now. You know why?

Because I love you. Yeah, I'm here for you. I could be home in bed because also Mario might or might not be there. I don't know because that's the kind of relationship we have now. I don't know if he's going to bring me Kleenex. I don't know if he's going to bring me Kleenex. I don't know if he's going to let me die on my snot. And that's exciting. It's like being young again.

I have a lot of phlegm, okay? So I'm sorry. I can't speak normally, okay? Because I have a lot of snot in my nose, okay? So I'm sorry. That's just the way it is, okay? Okay, just let it go. My nose is stuffed more than one of Mario's mistresses.

See? I can joke about it. I can joke about it now Because I'm cool It's the new Ramona Whoa, whoa, this is really weird, okay? When I was a little girl I would sometimes get colds, okay?

And my mother said You can never rely on a man to bring you a tissue When you can get a tissue yourself, okay? So I never asked my father for a tissue And this is all bringing me back to that moment I'm getting very emotional, okay? I'm gonna start a tissue I'm gonna start a tissue company and i'm gonna buy an ad on podcast gay gay podcast okay it's gonna be called next tissue okay you know what you know what this oh whoa this

really this reminds me this time when i was a kid when geraldine parsons smith came over and my my nose was running and she said hey why don't you run after it and I said I don't get it she said it's a joke because you said your nose is running and I said you know I don't appreciate that because I'm going through a cold okay so I've always resented that okay and I'm just going to let it go I've just let it go like let go of the resentment towards Geraldine Parson Smith about that okay just let it go okay sorry you have to stop because next tissue that's amazing next tissue.com so for some reason do they change people's opening lines or something as the season goes on because i haven't noticed

some of these opening things like dorinda is she wearing biker shorts under her skirt in the opening like i was noticing a lot of weird shit this week and has sonia always said that her yacht's gone but her boat came in yeah how am i just seeing that this season she has yeah my god we talk about this shit for like hours a week and i'm just seeing that yeah but yay yeah yeah i don't know i'm keeping an eye out for dorinda's uh uh biker shorts though yeah it looks like you know when you when you have fat thighs, which you don't. But, you know, I do. And sometimes, like, if you go to Disney World or something, like, all the fat girls wear biker shorts under their skirts so you don't chafe, darling.

Say, hey, John gave me this tip, okay? I used this tip for the photo shoots because this is what John told me to do, okay? I'm still doing the okay from Ramona on Dorinda now. Okay. Dorinda. So, I keep looking at my Southern charm notes on accident

and it says, five baby showers. I'm like, why am I talking about baby showers? That's the furthest thing from Real Housewives of New York. Yeah. Okay, so. You should instead be talking about, I believe, there was a scene with so ramona and i think dorinda had lunch or something or no it wasn't dorinda it was ramona and someone else

who knows but then um uh then there was like this ridiculous scene of carol running running for um election on her co-op board which is the most it was such a stupid scene she has like a war room she's like okay all right here's what we have to do i have to win so that way i can be on my co-op and then she assembled all these people and it was like it just was so stupid it was like so fake why it was for 30 people that building she said had 30 people in it and there were like 10 in the room and also she made like all these science fair posters and stuff. She went to Hobby Lobby and got that poster board shit and just started putting glitter all over it and drawing pictures of herself like a five-year-old. I don't know what she's trying to win, but she's like, look, I'm young.

I'm running for class president. She's very prom queen running. I don't know what adult in a co-op is going to vote for you with glitter posters in the elevator. But it worked. Because she won. Spoiler alert. She won. She won.

That was a silly scene. I did want to say something about that lunch with Ramona and Dorinda because I just noticed that Ramona is one of those people who, when you walk up, she's staring really intently at her phone. Like she's a very important business person and won't talk or acknowledge you at all until she's done. And then she turns on a big fake, oh, hi. Like Dorinda's a graphtyzer's bitch. I totally noticed that. She walks up and she's still looking at her phone And then she's like, hi

I hate that On a call, checking to see if anybody's put us on the internet Because Mario was walking the dog In front of my house And people have to be wondering what's happening So Ramona has agreed to go back To the Berkshires with Dorinda For her birthday

Oh god, what a mistake For everyone involved Cannot wait Ramona has agreed to go back to the Berkshires with Dorinda for her birthday. What a mistake for everyone involved. Cannot wait. So this is where all this John drama starts, because she is giving Dorinda shit about John. And Dorinda's saying, no matter what Mario does, Mr. Jetson, I'll always be there for you. I don't care what he does. If you want to go live with him, that's fine with me. Go back and live with him. I don't care. If you like being disrespected,

I support you and your disrespect. And Ramona's like, thank you. Your boyfriend's a fat, disgusting pig, and I hope he dies of a heart attack, which he probably will. And I hope not on top of you, because you live far away from me, and I'm not coming to the Berkshires to get you out from under a fat person. Ramona's totally unfair.

She's like, whatever. He's a loser. Yeah. So then after the war room scene, then it's Bethany going. Do you have one of my Obama posters? It's like me. It's like the Obama poster, but it's me instead. I was at the Occupy Wall Street movement in a bikini and a photographer.

If I had known I'd look this good at 50, I would have run for co-op board 20 years ago. One of her running points is that she wants transparency nobody wants that in their condo okay yeah we don't live outside yeah she's like if i get elected we'll all play ping pong and no one will ever pick up the ping pong balls i'm gonna make a rule that people have to play ping pongs in their lingerie and I love that she has people opposing her because she comes home drunk at three in the morning and can't get the door open yeah I did break a door um Bethany's therapist oh god so Beth you you know i love the way bethany walks into the therapist

therapy session it's like hi you always wear a tie huh what that's weird huh you always sit down you always sit down why are you standing okay i'm gonna sit down all right so you sit i stand okay no big deal i'm fine with that i don't want i don't want to hug that's fine let's talk jesus calm down just how about just say hi nice Nice to see you. Look at this. Your apartment looks like an office. I don't have an apartment. I'm homeless. And he's like, cry more. Cry more.

Yeah. He's like, how'd that make you feel? Made me feel sad. And how'd making you sad make you feel? Made me feel more sad. And why do you think you felt sad? Because I was sad. So you feel really sad, huh?

Well, I'm, you know, a survivor. And how's survivor making you feel? Well, you know, it's just like, cry. I'm not feeling enough. I'm not into this. a survivor. And how's survivor making you feel? Well, you know, it's just like, cry, get your cry. I'm not feeling enough. I'm not into this. You're making me feel too much. I mean, basically, for me, Ramona and Bethany's voice are exactly the same. But I can't. I mean, what are you doing?

Clash your nose, fill it up, make it. Yeah, that's what you do. I've never really tried to do a proper Bethany impersonation. My Bethany impersonation is sort of like a just generic New Yorker one. Because the people who do it well, like when Heather heather mcdonald was on last week she did a good one and of course our friend amy um phillips does like an excellent bethany so i almost feel like why should i even try yeah i know yeah i'm not i'm not touching that one either i have to work on it like my bethany comes out all strange and like honky sounding like oh oh are you true i have a toy on hey mister but i like how this

shrink i like how this shrink isn't about ever really getting better he's just like he says so you went and saw your dad yeah it was great i saw my dad i saw my friends it was really great seeing friends and seeing my dad so how did it go with your father well you know he apologized for beating my mother in front of me because, I mean, how rude. You know, do it in privacy. Get some privacy. I still need privacy for everything I do. Just going, you know, and he's like, well, why aren't you, you know, I'm not hearing anything about how it worked out or how you're feeling and blah, blah, blah.

Did he acknowledge it? She's like, yeah, yeah. I mean, he said, I'm sorry for, you know, for forbidding your mom in front of you and i'm sorry for being drunk and being a drug addict and then it's like her version of the story is uh it's like they just met yeah it's like they just like shared a taxi together and it says and they're like yeah cool yeah yeah so how did your thing with your father go great i brought him on national. I told everybody that he was a rapist, a murderer, a wife beater, and a drug addict. And then, you know, Bravo paid for the tab. What do you want? And he's like,

well, I don't think you cried enough. Did you cry? And she's like, oh, damn, I'm fine. I'm crying. I'm crying. I'm crying. Jesus. Well, because he was like, well, I had that feeling. She's like, it's fine. He's like, well, it can't just feel fine. She's like, no, it's fine. He's like, well, you can't tell me that you saw your mom get, beaten up and dragged across the kitchen floor and you just didn't feel anything she's like well okay she's like you got me she's like all right i remember

when it was terrible when he when he beat my mother with my hello kitty phone that was terrible i still can't look at hello kitty it's like oh my god i don't want to hear this anymore and i like one of her most traumatic things was the dad calling the mama cunt oh honey bethany will never make it through an episode of this show she'll be like sobbing on the floor uh so next we go over to sonia who's being honored by latino show magazine yeah and as as sonia described she like, well, you know, I hear on social media I have a very large Latin following. My social media interns have told me. She's like, no. Pickles is even emailing me in Spanish.

Yeah. Well, poor Sonia. She probably got confused. There's probably someone on there who's like a Latin student in high school who likes her. And she's like, well, I have a big Latin following. Well, you know, I love going to the Met and looking at the antiquities. I'm a huge Latin fan. She probably thought she was on a magazine for Ancient Room.

Tortillas, delicious. I tear them apart into little pieces and feed my interns with them, like little pieces at a time, like little pigeons. Little pigeons working for free. One of the quotes I wrote down that she said was, I embody that. Yes. She embodies the Latin spirit. She does. The women are basically just completely shocked that Sonia, not only that Sonia is Mexican, but that she is being, you know, she's being honored for clothes that she's actually had sewn.

Yes. I mean, it's one dress because. She's like, the reason why I'm on this magazine is it's called Latino Show. So this is what you show off the clothes that Latinos make for you. Oh, my God. That's terrible. I think we know she's at least made one dress because she wore one in the magazine and she wore the same one to this thing. Well, it's like when Marge Simpson got an invite to a country club one episode. And so she got like a, she had like a Chanel dress.

She either got the Chanel dress and then got the invite or got the invite, then the Chanel dress. But either way, she only had one Chanel dress. And that was it. And then suddenly they realized and kicked her out of the club. It's basically like Marge Simpson's blue dress that she wears every day. I'm a designer. I like that. It's like Yoda and Marge and Carol Radziwill all in one. Just because I do a lot of impersonations

does not mean I'm good at them, okay? I just like to do them. If you are new to this podcast, aka Chrissy Teigen, we just want you to know that we just do lots of weird voices. Our goal on this podcast is just to make each other laugh. So if that means trying to pull out the strangest impersonation of someone that doesn't sound accurate at all, then so be it. So if you're wondering why we sometimes sound Australian, it's because we're doing Real Housewives of Melbourne.

If we're doing weirder Marge Simpson Yoda voices, it's because we're trying to do Carol Radziwill. large Simpson Yoda voices, it's because we're trying to do Carol Radziwill. And if it's giving you a headache, lie down on your Casper mattress while reading a next issue magazine or watching Jamie's show on YouTube or, you know, ordering yourself some boxy charm. Yeah.

Or donate to us on Patreon. Chrissy Teigen. Everyone's reaction to Sonia was just so cute. They're like, wow, that's from your collection. You it good for you ramona's like i don't understand this why am i here she's not latino i don't see latino people well there's some latino people but i don't know what they're talking about i mean is that english i don't even know know what they're saying i mean it's america

right it's not mexerica she's like where's she's like, I don't see any salsa and chips. Where are the chips? It doesn't feel Latino. This is not a Latino show, okay? You know what this is? This is an American show. It's not a Latino show. I want to see salsa.

I want to see guacamole, okay? I just want to see molly. Okay, just give me something with the word molly in it, okay? How do you add up all the calories from the nothing I'm about to eat from MyFitnessPal? I save this up all day. How do you enter bad potty into MyFitnessPal? Stupid potty, zero points. Zero points, okay? You know who my favorite Latina actress is?

Molly Ringwald, okay? One time, Dorinda had a mole on her back, and I said, don't call it a mole. I'll eat it. Just call it a big raised freckle. I'm starving. You know what? I saw Dorinda's mole, and I said, whoa, okay. You know what you got to do?

I just read about this in Latino Show Magazine, okay? You got to take that mole and you got to put some chocolate in it and put it in a taco, okay? And then Bethany, who is also the worst. Oh, yes. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What is this? What's going on here?

Bethany is so great okay there's like a little step and repeat at this at this thing and sonia's taking like a million photos in it bethany runs in literally like the killer in urban legend okay you remember the killer wore like a giant like gore-tex jacket with like a hood like a furry hood she just darts in super fast like she's gonna go off someone with a knife i'm like i like how bethany is like i'm not gonna do a step and repeat for latino show magazine she's like i'll pee in a bucket on tv twice but i will not appear anywhere associated with this magazine how can my show even get canceled i mean why would you cancel my show and keep latino show

around i mean if you're gonna cancel a show cancel latino show i mean what is that you cancel my show and keep Latino show around? I mean, if you're going to cancel a show, cancel Latino show. I mean, what is that? Is it a show about Latinos? Is it showing Latinos something? That doesn't even make sense grammatically. I can't be here. I don't know what's going on here. Why am I sweating?

Why am I sweating? It's hot in here. Why am I hot? Just kill me now, okay? You know what? Put me a Latino show in the obituaries, okay? You know what? Just kill me now.

You snorted too much Adderall on your way to the party. That's why. And of course, everybody's being supportive. Even the nice one pulled her aside, Kristen. And it's like, you know, Sonia, I just wanted to say I'm genuinely sorry because I wasn't very supportive and you did it. I mean, you're out of bed. You took a shower.

You smell like deodorant. I mean, you're here sitting on a couch. I'm so You smell like deodorant. I mean, you're here, sitting on a couch. I'm so proud of you. Do you remember when I got sweat on last week? Ah, the rounds of my ride. She's like, so see ya. See you next week. Bye, Kristen. That was a fun plot point for you.

I also, not everyone was being supportive because Heather was being shady as a motherfucker, which is sort of hilarious to me. She's being totally shady, but I kind of get it, too, because Heather actually is a professional in this space. I'm sorry. She was being nasty. No, I'm sorry, Miss Heather, being a professional in this space.

First of all, she's wearing a Carmen Sandiego detective hat. She looks like someone's trying to hack into your website or something. It's like that private detective guy. And then she's wearing some big fur thing. No, Sonya. I mean, no, Heather. And also, Heather, I don't know if you've realized this or if nobody's pointed this out to you yet, but you stole Spanx, basically.

You took a product that was already out there, and you're reselling it as something else, and you're calling it your own fashion industry. Well, why do you think she's dressed like Carmen Sandiego? She's a world-class thief. Mama. Hey, Mama. Hey, Mama. I'm going to come rob your bank now, Mama.

And then I'm going to go off to Turkey. Mama, try to find me. I'll leave a few clues. Hey, Mama, I'm going to leave a few footsteps that you can follow. Lynn Thigpen is all, have you seen her? She's like, I just wanted to name drop Lin Thigpen. I don't remember anything she actually did on that show,

but it's important to name drop her. She would just lift up a magnifying glass and be like, hmm? But I love how Heather is talking to these manufacturers or this group that Sony has, and was like, so where are you going to sell this? Kmart? Such a bitch. And Sonny's like, excuse me, this material is from Italy, okay?

And I've been wearing this dress since I went there a couple of weeks ago to find it. So, no, it's not going into Kmart. She's like, well, technically it wasn't italy per se it was an olive garden but still you know what their chairs are very comfortable and i have the same cloth uh and heather's saying that's not offensive kmart is a very big retailer okay yeah nobody wants their like fine clothes in kmart people who like sell sweatpants and stolen Spanx do. Kmart loves stolen brand name stuff. She's like, wow.

This straw, it's making it so easy for this drink to get into my mouth. I'm going to invent something like a straw, but it's going to be mine, and it's going to be called Yum. Delicious. Delicious. Yum suction technologies. Yeah. Delicious. Yum suction technologies.

Also, what was funny was that some of the girls were talking to Ramona about her new job working at this ridiculous restaurant with checkerboard floors. And she's like, yeah, the food's really good. It's really wonderful food. The other night, Mario was sick.

So then I was like, okay, I brought him some salmon, and I brought him some potatoes. And they're like, wait, you brought Mario some food? Yeah, you know, I brought him some French fries, and I brought him some coleslaw. He really liked it a lot. Like, why are you seeing Mario? Well, you know, I just saw him. So anyway, then we made love, and then I brought him some onion rings, and I brought him another baked potato. And I brought him some Jenkins soup, and I brought him another baked potato, and I brought him some Jenkins soup, and I brought him a pizza.

He loved it all. I mean, the important thing is for Mario to know that I'm not here just to serve him. You know, I'm my own woman. I'm a new person. So I brought him, you know, those extra little packs of ketchup. I bought him, like, 20 because I just wanted him to have them. So every time he put ketchup on something, he'd remember me. You know, not that I care.

Not that I care. I mean, who cares, right? Oh, Ramona. he'd remember me you know not that i care not that i care i mean who cares right oh ramona um can we please talk about the carol party for her election well that's her next that's that's the next thing that's next there's some lady there with a baby and uh carol's like trying to date it and then bringing everybody into her house like for the big election and it really wasn't that fascinating of a scene but i loved i love heather and bethany together because they just they just hate each other like they hated each other on site and it's never gonna

get better and i fucking love it i know i mean um this is there. There are definitely two alpha entrepreneurial women. And this is like a bad case for women in business because, oh, God, this is like it's a study in passive aggressiveness. Heather just going in on the one subject that Bethany doesn't want to talk about under the guise of being concerned. You know, it's just great so good well heather opens by talking about how she wants to get a tattoo of maleficent which yeah yes this is not this is like did you see the film you know it's with angelina jolie um it's beautiful and i'm gonna get the horns put on my arm it's like uh you know that maleficent is only a good guy because of this PC bullshit world we live in, right? She put a bitch in a coma, okay?

Like, on purpose. That's not cool to be tattooing on your arm. That's not a feminist right there, right? Darling, darling, it's actually pretty awful. And, you know, this gives me worries that Heather is the type to be singing songs from Frozen to her little kids. Because I was just at a barbecue this weekend where the mom turned on Frozen and was, like, blasting Let It Go. Her daughter is, like, three. Very cute daughter and everything.

But the daughter doesn't really know what's going on. And the mom is blasting it and singing every single word. I'm like, oh, lady, don't act like this is for the girl. This is for you. And you're going to get a Maleficent tattoo on your thigh next. You're next, lady. Because, you know, like, you know, half those moms are like, oh, my God, my daughter just can't get enough of that song. It's so annoying.

I'm like, no, it's not your daughter. It's you. It's you. Totally you after a fight with your husband in your suburbanurban on your way to pick up food for everybody. Let it go. Let it go. And own it. Listen, I sing Little Shop of Horrors all the time.

I am always singing both parts of Suddenly Seymour in the bathroom. Okay? I support it. But just be honest. That is actually a good song to sing alone. Both the parts in that song. No, it's like you're cheering. Treated me kindly.

Daddy left early. Mama was poor. song no it's like you're like a jury i meet a man follow him blindly he'd snap his fingers and i'd say i love it. Fuck you, Carol. It's fucking a baby. That baby's not old enough to date. Get your hands off of him. And Bethany makes a blowjob joke in front of the baby. And then Heather moves on to, oh, so you can't come out because you don't have custody of your daughter? Really?

What's that like? So what's it like being alone at night? Is it cold? Did your daughter used to cuddle with you are you freezing now alone oh my gosh i just don't know what i do without my children divorce is hard isn't it you look terrible are you lonely i wish you could call your daughter right now but she's probably got your number blocked from what i read oh poor thing it's like damn heather back up babe bethany's like if you want to bond with me okay don't bond with me about this, okay? It's the one thing I don't want to talk about, okay? It's the one thing that's most personal about me, okay?

Don't talk about Brynn to me, okay? I don't want to talk about it. Next scene, she's like, oh, my God, I got to talk about Brynn. It's like, I love her. It's like my life has been changed. Oh, my God, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn. I'm going through a nightmare. I'm homeless.

It's because of Brynn. Oh, my God. So, you know what? Like, I actually get it. In real life, I would say, like, I'm on Bethany's side. But you know what, though, bitch? You're peeing in a can and talking about Brynn every chance you get. And it's also just easy to say, yeah, it is really rough not having custody.

It's still new to us, and I miss my kid. The end. Yeah, absolutely. Someone is vacuuming. I mean, what kind of building do I live in where people are vacuuming at 113? Get a job. Chef Penny, did you spill the pomegranate seeds again? Get that vacuum out

right now. Pandy! Pandy! Get on top of this. You're the manager now. Clean up all those pomegranate seeds. Pandy! Pandy, someone spilled the decorative marbles. Fix them. That whole time I thought it was vacuuming and it was actually a leaf blower.

Shows you how much I know, guys. Pandy, the leaves are falling off the fig trees. Get them off the porch or pump. Pandy, get the leaf blower. Put a giant vase in front of that fig tree, darling. All right? I want to take the dried leaves and make something out of it, you know? We'll just throw some Christmas lights in it from the Home Depot and, you know, a few fake jewels, darling.

Everyone will come to pump. Chef Penny, here's what we'll do. We're going to fill in the gaps on the trees by hanging some cupcakes like Christmas ornaments, okay? Make ten cupcakes right now. Hang them off the tree. Oh, the next thing. What else is here?

I have some things to say. Oh, do it, do it, Dean. First of all, totally honestly i want to know what frozen treats carol got because when she said they're like pigs in a blanket wrapped in an egg roll i was like i need to have this this needs to go into my freezer right away it's probably some trader joe's concoction and i'm okay with that just let me know oh by the way here's the helicopter with mj's's slider delivery coming overhead. Hey, do you want to have one of these?

They've been in the freezer since Caroline's birthday. It's like, Jesus, no. Nobody wants those. Throw those away. What kind of party is this? These are the original Pop-Tarts before they were square. As someone who has defrosted things that have been two years old in his freezer, I support her.

I also love the way that when Sonia shows up, the way she talks about Carol running for board, she's sort of surprised that Carol's running for board of her co-op, which I think we all were, but I love how Sonia's like, I don't really see Carol as being on the board of directors. I sort of see Carol as a girl's sort of girl who lets you know spin records you

know i'm like yeah she's just like a fun hep cat spinning the records and doing the wild stuff downtown carol really likes wearing those acid wash jeans that are you know with the waist up to her boobs and you know doing lots of young fun things that young people do. Bowling night where it's dark inside except for a disco ball. Ping pong. She's a party animal. Ice cream socials. Whoring yourself out in Abu Dhabi.

She's a party girl. She's one of us. I also like Luann's take on it also. She's like, I can't imagine her running for it. She can't water her plants. For a co-op in New York, there are no plants, all right? The important thing is you're going to have someone to break down your door when you come home at 3 in the morning, okay? You can call Carol.

What's wrong with me today? And by the way, Kristen also showed up to this party, and I think she is turning into betty draper she looked exactly like january jones in mad men hair blown out big gray dress i was like oh they treat her with as much respect it'll be like the last episode and they'll be like um kristen had lung cancer and died the end thanks for all the years of hard work babe okay cut to kristen like shooting pigeons out of the sky look it's kristen in bed without makeup look kristen's fat for two episodes and now she's normal again kristen almost fucked the teenage neighbor actually if kristen would get some of those storylines i think she'd be way more interesting she really would be if she were like uh engaged or married to like uh i don't know if basically she would be like katherine from southern charm

engaged politician sorry i've got like something in my throat i'm like yeah she has too much personality to be betty draper but i would love to see some of those storylines like i could have totally fucked the teenager next door, but he was going to Vietnam and I had lung cancer, so I restrained myself. She's like, um, I was really attracted to the horse trainer, but I did nothing about it. Thanks.

Um, I've wasted my pretty. Oh, Demetria. I mean, they're both models, you know? Both in marriage. She's not Betty Draper. I mean, they're both models, you know? Both in marriage as well. She's not as much of a bit. I love Betty Draper's just ice cold horribleness. Kristen's actually nice and smart. Yeah, just boring.

And Betty's not boring. How dare you, Ben? Take it back. Kristen's not even boring. I thought last season she was a great addition. It's just that with this season, there's actually just too many personalities there's not enough time for her nothing's going on so she's boring this season but i don't think that she as a person is boring um speaking of nutshells carol wins the thing right yeah and her first uh plan of action is to open a bee farm in the lobby. Yeah.

I think we need bees around here. Ramona's restaurant. Okay, this waiter interview was the best thing that I've ever seen in my life. Well, I thought it was totally staged, by the way. It was, like, obviously fake to me. Well, do you think that girl was faking it? Oh, yeah, 100%. You do? I believe she was an actor that was hired by the show.

As someone who's worked in restaurants his whole life, I completely bought it. They're interviewing this guy for Ramona's restaurant. She's like, listen, here's what I want. I want people that are like me. Nobody needs a waiter like Ramona, okay? What are you going to have? What are you going to have today? What are you going to do?

What are you going to have? Are you ready? Are you ready? Do you need time? I can give you time. I'm a new person. I'm going to be over there at the waiting station not even worried about what you're doing with your life. You order whatever you want. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to bring you ketchup, though. I'm going to bring you lots of it. And to-go boxes. You can take them home to Mario.

Would you mind stopping by Mario's? I'm worried. You know what? This is too much, okay? You're ordering too much food. I can't take it all. You have to slow down. Slow slow down your order i can't take it all in okay start over okay you want a salad okay what do you want salad why don't you get some rice okay you'd like rice you want some rice okay some rice salad you know what i'm sick of it all right i've told you what you should get you should get the salad and i've had enough okay enough okay so I forgot your side of cheese, but I did remember to do a one-hand push-up. You want me to see?

You want to see me do it? Look, I can do push-ups with my one hand. Look, one hand. Look, look. Hey, Julio, get over here. Yeah, my friends in Latino show. Okay, thank you. I just bribed him into bringing you some water.

Listen, you know what? I'm very sorry. I know you ordered a salmon burger, but I brought it to Mario instead, okay? And now we're out of salmon. So is there anything else you'd like on the menu? Okay. Listen, John. John.

You make Dorinda very happy, so I'm happy to bring you food, but I want you to know I'm only going to bring you salads, okay? Oh, Ramona. It's a new me. Normally I would have just brought you what you wanted, but the new me said no. That's not what they really need. So I brought you what I think you need, and that's me. I don't care. You can say whatever you want. I'm rejuvenated. It's new me. It's me. I'm like a spirit

with lotion on it. I've been rejuvenated. You know what? I just want you to know I brought you your steak on a plate that's yellow because it reminds me of sunshine. It's a sunshine plate. In fact, you know what? I'm not going to even give you any steak. Just a plate, okay?

I'm going to bring the steak to Mario. I wish that this waitress was real because she was priceless. They're like, okay, looking at your resume, you know, we see where you've worked. So what are you doing now? She's like, I'm here. Yeah, I was like, that was when I was like, this is fake. This is 100%. Someone hired by the show off of Craigslist. I don't know.

Living where we do and just working as a waiter as I used to, I can see that happening. Okay, ruin my joy. Take away my joy. So then we moved over to CB2 where Bethany and Carol were shopping for glass and stuff. And Bethany was like, you know what? This is good. I'm still doing Ramona. But she's like, I want to get some glasses.

All right. You know, I want some glasses. So I want to get some glasses, you know, because I'm homeless. My dream is for you to drink out of one of my glasses that I bought. It's something that I own. It's my own glass. I'm like, don't complain about not having your own glass when you're holding a bottle that literally has your face on it. You have vessels to drink from,hany and you sell them um i feel like one

of those homeless people do you guys sell tin cups here do you sell tin cups because i want one i'm gonna go outside and ask for dollars homeless i'm gonna cry i'm gonna i'm gonna cry you mind if i just like sleep on this couch because i don't have a home i'm just i'm gonna sit here and cry what do i gotta like cut off my legs and wheel my torso around on a chair in the subways for people – or on a skateboard in the subways to get some pity from people? I'm homeless. What are the degrees of homeless? I'm homeless. OK.

He's homeless. I'm homeless. We're homeless together. Yeah. The only difference is I can't take off a wig and reveal myself to be Bono singing in the subway for Jimmy Fallon. OK. This is me. This is all me.

OK. It's me. I'm not a subway busker. OK. I have nothing to busk. OK. I can't Jimmy Fallon, okay? This is me. This is all me, okay? It's me. I'm not a subway busker, okay? I have nothing to busk, okay? I can't busk anything. I can just be me, alright? That's just me in the subway, alright? I'll stand there. Did Bono really do that? Yeah, you two went like last week, they got into like they got into disguise and were singing

at the subway and people were like stopping and looking like, huh? And then like they take off their wigs. I wish I had been there so I could have been like those songs all sound the same! Well they sang the classic songs which everyone loves. And it's actually a pretty cool video. So

it's no Bethany busking in the subway. I still haven't found what I'm looking for but what am I looking for? I don't know. With or without you? I can't tell. With or without you? Do I want you? Do I not want you. I can't tell. With or without you. Do I want you? Do I not want you? I can't live. I'm dancing in the dark. Do you know how dark it is here?

Do you know how hard it is to dance in the dark? It's horrible. It's awful in here. That's Bruce Springsteen, okay? You know, I can't tell. I can't live with or without Bruce Springsteen, okay? You know what? In the name of love, I don't even know what love's name is.

What's love's name? I don't know. You know what? You came in like a wrecking ball. You came in like a wrecking ball. I don't appreciate it. You know, it was really difficult to build that apartment. You wrecked it.

And now I have to build a new one. Homeless. I want to go to the subway. I'm going to busk. I'm going to sing you two songs. I want to sing on New Year's Day. But I'm like, I don't know which New Year's Day. Jewish New Year?

American New Year? Chinese New Year? I mean, which one? I don't know. There's so many New Years. So many New Years. I can't. I can't.

I don't have time for this. I don't have time to go over all the New Years in the world sleeping ambient dead dead i'm sorry stop talking about new years what does that mean she moves in mysterious ways like how many ways is that is that like why is it mysterious is it the ways that's mysterious is she mysterious like i don't get it like i don't get the song i don't get you too okay you know what i don't i don't get it your love is toxic i have no memory for any kind of lyric i'm like i love that i'm like still doing the youtube joke and you're just just doing whatever song i'm just doing i'm just doing random random songs i don't know enough youtube songs what am i supposed to rattle

what am i supposed to roll like what do i have doing something in my hand am i supposed to shake it is like salt is it pepper you know i can't have salt i mean that's not good how do you roll salt like how do you do that like what do you do i'm I have something in my hand? Am I supposed to shake it? Is it like salt? Is it pepper? You know, I can't have salt. I mean, that's not good. How do you roll salt? Like, how do you do that? Like, what do you do? Am I supposed to have a ball of salt? Is it like a hamster? A hamster ball full of salt? I'm supposed to roll it down the subway? Falls into tracks? Then what? Now I'm sued? Okay, so what? Kill me now. Sunday, bloody Sunday. I'm supposed to have Brynn that day. Oh my god. It can't be a bloody

Sunday. I have Brynn. I mean, if Brynn's here and it gets bloody, you know, he's gonna take her away. Then I'm gonna be homeless and childless. I'm gonna be all alone. Thanks a lot, you two. Bono, fuck you, Bono. Okay, I'm done with you. I'm done. I can't talk about this anymore. It's a beautiful day.

It's raining out. It's raining out. How's a beautiful day? It's raining. Some people like rain. Okay, fine. Well, I like sunshine. So now what?

Now it's a beautiful day for you. It's a bad day for me. Now we can't all have a good day. I mean, like, how many different days can there be? Like, put me on Latino Show Magazine already and put the weather report. All right, enough. I've had it.

Have you ever seen how many days there are on the calendar i mean represented like squares like that it stresses me out i can't i can't with that it's so many squares like so many squares i'm done sleeping done done with squares desire like desire like why should i why do i want to think about desire you know what i desire i desire a home okay i'm homeless right now i'm not gonna sing a song called desire when i when i don't even have a home okay what i desire is a home i desire i just I want my own glasses, okay? I mean, like, enough already. Like, too much.

It's too much for me. Oh, Bethany. Well, there's nothing like breaking down into CB2. And listen, I can understand it because I live by a CB2, and I go in there all the time. And you know what? How could they charge that much for a fucking chair made out of, like, aluminum and rope tied around it for the seat? That is not worth 500 cb2 i know i know but you know what though here's one thing i do have to say about cb2

their tote bags are no joke when that cb2 that you live by opened up i went in on like opening day just to like have an aspirational moment and they were giving out free tote bags and i still have mine to this day and it is the best it is the most sturdy it is the biggest it is the best tote bag. If they sell them, everyone do yourself a favor. Buy a CB2 tote bag. Sponsored by Casper Mattress. This message has been sponsored by Casper.

Hey, did you read about CB2 tote bags in the latest issue of NextIssue.com? That doesn't even make sense. They don't even sell latest issues of themselves. So anyway, now the big fight of the episode. Oh, no, no, we don't get there yet because this is the best part to me, at least of this episode, when Bethany's like, listen, I can't talk about – listen, I heard that you guys were upset because I haven't been around that much been around that much, you know, and I'm ignoring you or whatever. And Carol's like, well, I mean, I guess that's true. Well, I can't do it. If you want me to choose between you and my daughter, I'm not going to do that.

It's my daughter. You know, my daughter's free. She's my life. She's everything to me. What, am I going to give up my daughter to go to the Berkshires? No, I'm not going to do that. No matter what you say. No matter what anybody says.

Carol's like, you're leaking. say no matter what anybody said carol's like uh you're leaking anyone have a plug for this hole you're leaking on the couch please don't do you need a hug because i can't do that i am physically too weak to hug you right now do Do you see the way I'm collapsing this CB2 chair? Very absolutely fabulous because Adina's mother dies and she can never cry about it. And her daughter's like, Mom, why are you crying? It's your father. And at the end, she finally starts crying.

It's like, Mom, look at you. You're crying. She's like, I don't want to get old. I don't want to get old i don't want to get old darling totally reminded me of that scene if you haven't watched absolutely fabulous please uh rent it okay buy it buy it yeah yes okay sorry about that um so then bethany blows her nose on a two dollar napkin and And so then we go to Petrosian. Don't worry, we can buy it.

What do I look like, rich? Did you hear me? I'm homeless. I'm not going to buy it. I'll buy it for you. Just don't hug me. I'm going to buy a cloth separator that prevents you from hugging me. Yeah, so then we get to this big party.

And Heather and her boring ass husband are there alone to start they're like oh wow look it's us there's no kids around isn't this great honey and he's like girl his show is love being here can't be our eggs right am i right hey mama love that love that osestra mama this is off the hook i'm your waiter john hey mama your name is john for the rest of the i mean your name is mama for the rest of the night all right i liked when i liked when uh john walked in or ramona in her interview starts saying like you know what i think that john he's just he's just too much you know what women want their space and john sort of crosses that line too fast i'm like yeah yeah, because he's a little bigger.

He sort of gets across that line a little faster. Because he's got a big gut. It's not that I don't want to like John. It's just that, you know, like if you're friends with someone like John and then you have to take a bus together or something like that, I mean, where are you going to sit? He'll take the whole thing. I mean, I'm sorry, but I need air. I need air on the bus. I mean, like I need my own space okay

and he's too fat he gets into my space like if we're in an elevator i have that much less space in the elevator because john is there and all his fat okay i mean not to shame him for being fat but you know i'm just saying it how it is um what is with john coming in with did he have makeup on well he looked really weird today. I wasn't really sure. He had a hairpiece or something strange. There are a lot of men's hairpieces on Bravo between – I can't tell if John has a hairpiece or a comb over. But between Whitney and Thomas Ravenel and some of the various other wigs we're seeing, there's a lot of hair. I think John has a comb over.

But it does look like it's sewed in there it's like a it's like a um it's like hair plugs like bobby has on shah's but his hair plugs are then used to comb over but it's like you know it's sort of funny it's like john like why why why is this the area that you decide to be vain about like why just just just let the bald spot show i mean it's not like not like. Let it all hang out. Just, yeah, you're at this point. You got the chest hair out. You're just sort of like a big burly dude. You know, covering up the bald spot isn't going to make you look any better.

Own it. Just own it. Why comb your hair? Listen, if you're ugly, why even get out of bed in the morning? Just read. Just lay there. Just do something. I mean, why would you go out of your house?

I mean, I wouldn't do that. I mean, people who stay in bed are great. Why not stay in bed? I love beds. I get my cast in the mattress, okay? Everything. You know, I have to say, I was thinking this while I was watching this show. I actually like all the people on this show.

Most of the housewives, even. Like, I actually really like them even though we make fun of them a lot but heather is testing me okay well i like oh i love caviar i'm a whore for caviar petrosian is caviar when you hear the name petrosian you know it's caviar i'm like what is this a matthew mcconaughey lexus. Well, I didn't mind. I mean, she was right, though. She bugs me. She's right. I mean, Petrosian is like a caviar.

It's like, it is a caviar restaurant, basically. I'm going to do that next time I walk into Subway. I'm going to be like, Subway. I live for Subway. I'm a Subway whore. I mean, when Subway, when someone says Subway, the first thing I think of is Subway. Not the Subway. subway i mean i guess that would be obvious but subway i i can't get mad at heather because i too love caviar not that i get

to eat it ever but i love it so much and when i saw her put like that those big mounds on her toast i was so jealous i was like that's what i want i always think back to like the amazing race season four or five wherever it was where these the teams had to go to saint petersburg and they were given giant bowls of caviar that they had to eat and they were like oh no i can't eat it and i'm like do you realize that people pay like a hundred dollars for a spoonful and you're getting a giant bowl i was like crying i was like i wish i could have been on the amazing race for that challenge okay so this makes me sound really ridiculous i get it so you know what chrissy and you're getting a giant bowl, I was like crying. I was like, I wish I could have been on The Amazing Race for that challenge. Okay, so this makes me sound really ridiculous. I get it.

So, you know what? Chrissy Teigen, please come back. Please come back. I'm sorry I alienated you. She would agree with you. You know that bitch has caviar. I know, she does. She's got that John Legend caviar. Carol's like, that caviar looks delicious.

Those eggs look as almost healthy as mine. It was a big bowl of MJ's eggs. Then we get one of the most ironic speeches of any house wise show ever from the Countess. You know, it's wonderful. I'd like to make a toast. It is wonderful

being able to be so wealthy. So congratulations to us all it's like what is this and she's like and loyalty because that's the really important part what are you talking about have you ever seen this show you are not loyal you just fuck somebody that looked like johnny depp last year when you had a boyfriend please stop giving speeches about loyalty please right and then in the middle of this john gets up to take like a dump somewhere he like goes the bathroom he's gone from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca ranzi and i'm consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words black history

rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some.

As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald,

a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now

by joining Wondery Plus. ...for 20 minutes. And Heather starts saying, you know, Ramona, like, I'm so like, I'm really proud of you. I feel like, you know, we've really come a long way. And I feel like you've made a lot of changes. You've grown in so many wonderful ways. And Ramona's like, no, I haven't changed. I haven't changed. You know, it's just that, that you know what like i just feel like you know you and luann just sort of have an unwelcoming wall that's up and so i can't be myself and when i'm around dorinda i can be myself so it's just more like i haven't changed it's just that like you guys have lowered your wall so i could lower my walls i was like oh god here we go and they're like well ramona you had some preconceived notions

about heather she's like no i don't have preconceived notions about people i don't have any no for instance when i saw john the first time i saw him i was like oh he's fat and i knew he was fat and i knew he'd be an awful person as a result of that and guess what he still is and i know that it's not preconceived it's just a fact it's conceived on impact all right that's very different than being preconceived i wasn't thinking about it before it wasn't pre i just thought it when i saw him and here we are i was right i could be like a psychic you know yeah i just conceived i conceived my notions they're like little notion babies okay they're conceived okay and you know i was like i can still conceive so then they start getting into a big fight it goes in this it goes this crazy way

because because luanne is basically telling ramona, like, well, darling, you know, like, you do have some preconceived notions and you do have a wall. You can't say that you've never changed. So when she starts calling out Ramona, Ramona does what she does best, which is then she just hits below the belt. So she's like, well, you know what, Dorinda, you know what, like, somehow she brings up this issue where apparently Luann – so Luann says Dorinda called her because Ramona was being mean to her. Ramona was being mean to Dorinda, so Dorinda called Luann. And Ramona had apparently shared with Dorinda something that Luann had said to Ramona. No, no. She was upset because.

It was very confusing. She said that. Dorinda called Ramona. No Dorinda called Luann. Because Ramona had told Dorinda. That Luann said really mean things about John. So Dorinda was calling basically. To confront Luann. And of course Luann brings it up.

By saying like once she finally gets mad at Dorinda. And it has nothing to do about any of this. she's like, well, how is your friend Dorinda? Because she just called me very upset because you're mistreating her. So how does that feel? How do you like her now? Dorinda's like, uh-oh. It's time to charge the robot. robot yeah because what happened what luann said that that she and ramona were having a conversation where they were talking about the things that they didn't like about john and then ramona went and

told it all to dorinda but ramona like did not say the things that she was saying so she made it seem like luann was the only one saying it so then dorinda was mad at luann as a result of it and then luann was calling out ramona for putting a spin on it in that way. And then Ramona is like, you know what? This is exactly it. You know what? Now I just know I won't tell you anything, Dorinda. Okay? I just won't tell you. That's all I know. I won't give you the source.

That's all. You have to be careful with Luann. It's Dorinda's fault for being upset about it, not Ramona's fault for saying it. I love it. And Luann was losing her shit. I can't trust Dorinda. fault for being upset about it, not Ramona's fault for saying it. I love it. Oh, I guess it means I can't trust Dorinda. Okay. You know what? I sense a wall coming up. I sense a wall coming.

It's like one of those garages where they close from the bottom and the top. You know, like one of those elevators you get in? Doors. Doors are coming. Walls. Walls. I like that Dorinda in this episode was a little sloppy. She was like a little drunk.

And that voice when she's sloppy is hilarious because it adds like a thick weird funnel voice. I love it. I really like Dorinda and I can't wait to see next week when she rips people a new asshole. Well, I loved seeing how mad

Luanne was getting because she was just getting livid. I remember when she was like Ramona, get back here so I can choke you myself. mad Luann was getting because she was she was just getting livid when she was like she was like Ramona get back here so I can choke you myself and then she says my my favorite I think my favorite Luann insult of the season was I'm going to stick Ramona's face in the caviar I can't even say it I can't even say it as well with the amount of venom that she's had she's trying to pass up like it's a joke but she wanted to she wanted to stick it in that caviar and just let her drown in

a caviar bath so it's gonna be some weird fight with ramona and luann that no one cares about because we've seen enough of those two and they're stupid fights but you gotta love classic ramona the guys come back in they're not even barely talking about it anymore ramona's like oh so there so why don't you say some nasty things about john why don't you talk about how you never want to sit on a bus next to fat john go ahead luann go ahead she said that she said that it's like oh my god oh gosh oh gosh and then john's like do we have a problem huh do we got a problem here what's the problem huh what problem john now so is that a job problem okay good that's not john how else you're supposed to breathe without your mouth how about how about let's go to let's go to that club

afterwards what's that club called again i forgot i forgot its name i was so drunk that last time he came in from the bathroom all sweaty what was he pushing out in there he came back in like hey what are you talking about we got a problem here what was the name of that that singles club they would go to again i forgot um i don't know the snap old snatch i'm gonna look it up that The last one was New York City Singles Club. I forget what it's called. It had some really dumb name. Oh, well.

I can't remember it. I'll have to do some research. It's called Boutique. Boutique. To kind of ease things, Ramona stands up and gives her own speech. And she's like, hi, I'd like to give a speech. My name is Ramona. And I'd like to give a speech. And I is Ramona and I'd like to give a speech.

And I'd like to say, Dorinda, I don't care how fat, stupid, and disgusting your boyfriend is. If you're happy with him, I'm happy for you. I mean, look at me. I'm happy for someone with a fat, disgusting pervert of a boyfriend. So yay me, I did it.

Look at me, I'm happy for Dorinda. Congratulations, Dorinda, on being with a loser. Toast to Dorinda for being a loser. And everyone's like, cheers. By the way, you have to admit, though, thinking about it now, Ramona brought a date to that dinner party, believe it or not. And if you think about it, for these women to be calling her out and be like, you know, you've changed so much. You've become like a good person finally. In front of like a date?

That's like mortifying. I didn't think about that until just right now. That is so underhanded. Well, I was going to say it's all been on TV, but I hope that guy doesn't watch Bravo. He seems like a straight guy. He knows. He knows. And it looks like next week there's going to be a scandal where he apparently had hooked up with Mario's mistress. Oh, yeah.

They're passing that girl in the Hamptons around like an hors d'oeuvre tray. With caviar. Bedrosian. Alright, so I guess that's the end of that, eh? Yeah, but now here's a little sub thing. So my DVR always records like, watch what happens. If they are being sneaky, they

add it on to the episode recording, so I get like an hour and a half. So it recorded Watch What Happens, which I never watched. But for some reason, I watched the one that was attached to this episode, and Bethany was the interviewer. Did you happen to see this? No. She was taking over for Andy or what? She interviewed Andy.

Oh, I would have loved to see that, actually. What did she ask him? I'll talk about it very briefly. see that actually what what did she ask him i'll talk about it very briefly um first of all it was actually really interesting because andy was being what i feel like real andy is like in a sense i i actually believe all of it's real andy but i feel like this is more of like the day-to-day andy no it's not because the real andy's actually super fun i heard him on the on some uh the jim moore podcast and he it was a great interview he's a he's really cool actually no no yeah no his it was really good and by the way i should add i think i've mentioned it before but my dad

was reading andy cohen's book which cracked me up and he uh called yesterday to give me an update that he finished the book and he was like so i get it apparently there's this watch what happens show now i get why your show's called watch for crap and i was like yes dad thanks um so uh but anyway so it was kind of funny because the way they set it up the this watch what happens episode andy cohen the music is serious like they're interviewing theresa and joe again and he's like this time normally i'm the one doing the interviewing as if he's diane sawyer and he's like but this time time I'm going to be in the hot seat and Bethany's going to interview me. And I'm like, okay, well, this will be a nice

narcissistic half an hour. But it was actually really interesting. Bethany did ask some good questions. I would have liked more questions. I wish we could have asked some questions. And I wouldn't, to be honest, I wouldn't have asked questions like, Andy, you're such a shitster. Why are you always smiling whenever someone's in pain? Why do you ask people about their

boobs? Because we all know why. He is a he and he's he's even professed to it he said he likes that so i mean as much as we as much as we give him shit and we give him the crappy every year for worst bravo liberty he he owns up to it he knows what he's doing so we really can't be that mad at him for it um but he was pretty forthright he talked Bethany asked him does he think that these shows break up marriages and he said he thinks it accelerates bad marriages

and then they show a clip of Tamara Barney it was like a clip of her on Watch What Happens with her hand on Andy's knee and like crying and being like Andy I have to thank you so much because without the show i never would have left simon i was like okay well this is a little masturbatory but okay um she asked she asked bethany asked i'm doing good for the world i'm

doing good let's ask let's cut to russell it's like a chandelier. It's like a flesh chandelier in the living room. Nice work, buddy. Bethany asked Andy which housewives and which housewives' husbands he would sleep with. Andy said he would sleep with Apollo. So obviously the two of us are. Bottom. I smell a bottom. And then he said he would sleep with joanna krupa he would not

yeah i know then he said that the new york housewives email the most like she asked which ones email him the most and he says the new york housewives email the most which i totally believe i'm i believe they talk the most they email the most could you imagine those emails forward did you see what she said to me and? Did you see what she said to me, Andy? Did you see what she said to me, Andy? Yeah, that's. And then he said that Teresa Giudice's fans are really vigilant. Like they're they're tough.

And he said a lot of other things. But, you know, if you have a chance, if you can find it, it's worth watching. It's it's it's not. It was pretty fun. chance if you can find it uh it's worth watching it's it's it's not a it was it's pretty fun fun interview cindy c posted a really funny thing on our facebook uh that was a tweet to andy and it said um your tweets are all uh or your uh your ratings are down for new york andy i guess bethany didn't help your show i guess bethany didn't bring your show back to life and he tweeted back actually our ratings are almost double what they were last year we're popping champagne and then he the next tweet then he wrote right back and said oh wait am i talking

to a former housewife hi yeah because apparently this is jill zarin and she only retweets other jill zarin things you know yeah shut up jill zarin oh and i found out one of our jill zarin the episode after we interview one of the episodes were after we interviewed Jill. No, no. It's when she was on Watch What Happens Live. It was that very special interview. You mean Watch What Crap? The episode where we had Jill Zarin. No, no.

Not that one. But remember after that, she went on Watch What Happens Live. Andy had her on. And then she had a secret tape recorder. And he got all pissed off. She was like trying to sell her own recorded version of the interview like the unedited version to magazines and blogs were like yeah we don't pay for stuff sorry it's the internet bitch but um she couldn't sell it anyway we did a whole

uh whole watch what crap ends based on that episode and it's gone it's some it's i guess with our old server or something j Jill Zarin broke our podcast. Andy also said, by the way, that his favorite moment in all the history of Housewives was the season one Atlanta reunion when Kim Zolciak told the tale of having not cancer. And it's really funny because over the course of this podcast, while we've been recording a friend of mine, like a very close friend of mine last week was diagnosed with cancer. And so I was like, Oh shit, this suck.

Oh my God. This, I mean, it's like, it's like, it's scary. And then he texted in the middle of our podcast to say that he was misdiagnosed and he has no cancer.

So I was like, Kim Zolciak. Oh my God. But there's a difference. There's a difference between being afraid that you might have cancer versus being told you have cancer. Sorry, you just had some undigested taco in your spleen, sir. Sorry to scare you.

Hope you didn't give everything away. I hate when that happens. Thanks, Doc. So I'm very happy for my friend. Congratulations on not cancer. I mean, it's a whole new disease, you know? All you have to do is watch Bravo to know that not cancer is an actual thing. Now, you know, Kim Zolciak started something.

Yeah, you know what? And by the way, I feel so sad for myself that the very first thing I think of is Kim Zolciak. When my friend says there's no cancer, I think not. Oh, thank God. I think, oh, just like Kim Zolciak. I mean, not cancer has dwarfed cancer. I mean, now we have a real cancer storyline and we're like, meh, it's not not cancer. Suck it up.

I know. Although, again, the difference is that my friend was actually diagnosed with cancer. So it was as opposed to someone who was afraid they were going to be diagnosed with cancer, which is basically me every 10 weeks. So, yeah, I'm a not cancer survivor. I just want to tell you that so far. who was afraid they were going to be diagnosed with cancer, which is basically me every 10 weeks. I'm a not-cancer survivor. I just want to tell you that so far. I'm surviving not having cancer. All right, let's move on to Southern Charm.

Actually, I'm going to press stop to make sure this saves. Hold on, everybody. Don't worry, it's not an ad. It's not an ad. Okay, after that one second, we're back. Okay, so let's move on to southern charm so wait this is the end of southern charm for the season season finale and it was such a good season finale i loved it and are they gonna have a reunion again or do they yes oh they are okay good good good so we're not totally done with it no we have a reunion next week but it's one of

those cheap reunions where everyone crams into the Watch What Happens studio. Oh, that's lame. Does no one watch that show? No, I think people do watch it, but I just guess they don't give them a proper reunion studio. I don't know. I don't know why Marriage to Medicine gets, like, you know, crystal chandeliers and draperies and Southern Charm. They're in folding chairs. Yeah. He's like, you're already, they're in folding chairs. Yeah.

He's like, you're already rich. Build your own studio. Yeah, exactly. That's probably what it is. Getting greats. Okay, so we open with a This Season on Southern Charm. Five baby showers. Craig got so drunk he wore horizontal stripes.

Catherine lost 50 pounds in two weeks. And Landon. She just has no class. Class. She has no class. Whitney watched porn and dated a teenage Dutch chick and then tried to convince everyone he still had a sex drive by naming a shitty band Renob. Yeah, Jesus. So anyway, the show opens where Patricia is

monitoring the placement of a plate on her wall. By the way, if you're hearing sirens, I believe that MJ may have fallen out of her bed in a slider induced coma because she lives across the street. Anyway, sorry. I always feel like I have to sleep.

MJ heard there was a hot dog on a stick in town and she tripped jumping out of bed to find it her ankle will be broken for a while sorry i always feel like i have to explain that for for new listeners they're like why do you say that mj why you keep every time you're annoyed you say there's a delivery of something for mj it's because she actually lives directly across the street weird factoid of our podcast see that's something we just have mj stand outside and really tight neon green zebra print until cars stop yeah a lot of car accidents outside so um so patricia's once again doing something crafty and homemade you know it's funny she does nothing but do scrapbooks

and decorate things. She's sort of like a little old lady. As much as she likes to be sophisticated and have her martinis, she's just like a little old lady who goes like Michaels. And they gave her a lot of screen time because it was the last one. So they just

asked her shit. And you can kind of see why she doesn't have screen time because they're like, uh why do you decorate so much she's like well i would describe my decor as probably great ants that have died and left stuff behind that you put on the wall or i love teapots i like i like how described her style as, I like antiques and discreet collections. Like a discreet collection. This is not just a collectible. You can't even see it. It's hiding.

Come out here, little glass elephant, and say hello to the cameras. No, discreet, right? Have I shown you my discreet collection of pet corpses in the backyard? It's buried under some dirt. Well, nothing says discreet like burying it. I like that she was with that old man who's just like her,

but is a man who looks like he's on a detective show on the BBC. Yeah. He's like, what do you want to do? He is the foremost decorator in the South. Some people bring books of fabric swatches. He's given me 37 doilies to model my bedroom after. What the hell? You find those guys.

It's who Scooter aspires to be. What's his name again? Cooper. It's who Cooper aspires to be. An old foppish gay hanging plates in a lady's home. I also like when Patricia starts talking about Catherine. Good God, there's a lot of... Oh, here comes an ambulance.

Cardiac arrest across the street. Cardiac arrest. The ambulance is coming through. MJ's on the floor with a broken ankle and still trying to eat a fucking skinny cow. Choking. Someone give this girl 50 cc's of bacon fat. Stat. Stat. At least it's not a gardener

I mean at least that's a real emergency What do the weeds have an emergency So I love how Catherine As usual starts going in I'm sorry Patricia starts going in As usual about Catherine And Whitney is talking About her like screaming at him

Again in Georgia and I like how she Patricia just goes we call them psychotic episodes. I love it. She's so shady. I love how openly sexist Patricia is against other women. It's like she's not a self-hating woman. She's like an other-hating woman. What the hell?

She's like, oh, here's Whitney. We were just talking about Thomasvenel and how his political career was derailed by some strumpet like no maybe it was derailed by him dating a teenager getting her pregnant not marrying her and then breaking up with her on facebook like why is it her fault yeah exactly but i love the old man because he's like you've got tape on your pants. Oh, it's a zipper. Those trousers look like a cheap hotel. No ballroom. No ballroom. You ever been into one of those?

A hotel without a ballroom? What do the gay people make people bring dates to? Bring female dates to. These pants look to me like us, like a robbed cemetery. No boners. Why is Patricia dressed like Jurassic Park for the gay years? It looks like a gay jungle. She's wearing like a glitter jungle.

She's dressed like all four of the Golden Girls combined. She's got some Blanche in her. She's like, you know, she just wants to build a lanai. So that way she can say she's going to go out to it. Girls, let's go out to the lanai. Whitney, let's get some cheesecake. Like, I can totally imagine. I can totally imagine Patricia walking out of her bedroom and sauntering out the way Blanche does in the opening credits and Rose and Dorothy looking at her.

She'd be like, cheesecake, how pedestrian. Oh, Blanche, what a strumpet. Dorothy, why don't you shut your mouth? Ladies shouldn't talk like that. I think Rose is having what we call a psychotic episode. Why would you date someone named Miles? It sounds like junk mail I get from the airline companies trying to get me to sign up for a credit card. I'm never going to St. Olaf.

I'll tell you that much. I don't like it. I don't like it. I do not like St. Olaf. Tacky. So was that all that happened in that scene yeah pretty much so then i think we saw land right did we move you saw land and moving hello mother i've come for you to talk shit about people 50 years younger than me and my friend circle that was a little later though but i think uh no the next thing is the normal guy that's why you skipped

over it in your brain it's the normal guy who's like, Thomas, here's what I don't understand. Where's the old Thomas? The new Thomas has a baby and he's running for offices. The old Thomas got me good Coke. I miss the old Thomas. Come back, Thomas. Thomas is like, well, you know, babies. I don't even know what Thomas is saying.

I don't even listen to Thomas. I just like that they showed nice friend one last time. They're like, hey, guy who does nothing, want to smoke a cigar? He's like, sure. Does it have coke in it? Nope. All right, then. I feel like JD, the nice friend, I'm not convinced that he's actually nice, but he's at least stable and has his shit together.

I kind of feel like he's one of those. He's definitely the most good old boysy of them all. He's such a good old boy that it hurts, and yet I love it. Let's just sit out here and talk about your man problems while we smoke big manly cigars and think about the times when we had cocaine. And Thomas is like, you know, this is very serious. It's like Julia Roberts said in Steel Magnolias. 30 minutes of something wonderful and then something not very special. I've never heard that quote.

Don't remember that quote and can't remember anybody remembers that quote. But good for you for putting in a Steel Magnolias reference because they also have it's a cuppa, cuppa, cuppa. Or why is she dancing? It looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket. putting in a steel magnolias reference because they also have it's a cuppa cuppa cuppa or why is she dancing it looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket or here hit weezer i mean why would you choose that one thomas why are you quoting julia roberts like why do you quote her why don't you quote me like i don't like this like does she give you advice? Does she tell you what to do? Thomas? I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I like Julia Roberts.

I really do. But Thomas is always asking the television for advice when one of her films is on. I'm a pretty woman. Why does he ever call me a pretty woman? Why does he only call Julia Roberts a pretty woman? Oh, there's so much there.

There's so much there. There's so much there. I should be his best friend. So why is he going to his best? Why is Julia his best friend? And why are they going to a wedding together? Like, I'm his best friend. I'm the one who gave up everything for him to be his best friend. I'll tell you one thing I'm not going to do.

Run away, bride. I'm not giving up. I won't be a runaway bride that's for sure why i never saw the sequel to that film i don't know that it worked out i wasn't approval i wasn't approving of julia roberts staying with that man i want to know who aaron brockovich is and why he spent so much time with her on his campaign dirty water um so and then we get the most romantic thing that thomas has ever said he's like well you know i just really miss katherine i mean her red hair her physicality her boobs the way her butt moves when she comes down the stairs one time she burped

after eating a cheeto and her boobs still looked good i mean what woman does that like do you have anything to say besides you want to fuck this girl like that's all he says yeah wow i might have made the wrong decision look at her in that fur i i gave her for my dead aunt vivian who was 500 pounds. That fur tent. No one can wear a fur tent like my Catherine. Except for JD. He wears it well, too. So then we move on to Landon's pop-up shop. Under lovely talk with her mother.

Okay, wait, no, you're moving ahead. Did I skip? A lot. I did? Yes ahead. Did I skip? A lot. I did? Yes. What did I skip in? Well, first we have Patricia. We meet Patricia's gays, her gay friends who come in who want to do a...

Oh, this is after Landon's pop-up shop? How dare you? Her mom doesn't come... I guess it was a setup for the pop-up shop. And I'm writing every single thing that happens down. Okay, sorry. Well, I mean, there was a scene with Landon. It was a small scene.

And the only note I took from that scene was when she was talking about Catherine because now she hates Catherine. She's like, Catherine, you're a joke. I'm like, ooh, I love Shady Landon. I thought she said, dear joke. Like she was writing a letter. Yeah. I like that. But so what was the reason why i'm mentioning the gay

guys who uh these these mega fun mega power gay fundraisers older rich guy and young hot bodied guy without so here's a here's a confession about like i think about a year and a half ago two years ago i used to follow the younger one on instagram before i didn't know he was a paragraph anything i just one of those things i don't even know how i found him on instagram but he's got like a hot body and everything and so i used to follow him just to look at him. And then I would see the other guy too in his pictures. And his Instagram was so awful. It was so beyond narcissistic. It would be like three pictures of him shirtless in a row from like slightly different angles. And like, it's one of those things things where you start – you follow it at first because he's so hot. But then the narcissism starts to become too much. I was like, oh my god, this guy is awful. And basically he was just like a – he was just like a – I think he posted a link to some article where he was profiled or whatever.

And he basically was like a college student that the older guy plugged out, found him when he was in college and then they – Literally. was like a college student that the older guy plucked out you know found him when he's in college and then they literally um yeah well you know he's an asshole because the one of the ways the scene starts is well i'm so glad you took the time to see us we were just in new york having lunch with hillary yeah she's like uh clinton they're like yes which i know might not be popular here in charleston but oh hillary i just asked her about pantsuits and what she likes for hors d'oeuvres. Shut up. You were some fucking fundraiser.

Shut up. You have lunch with Hillary, you stupid fucky toper. Shut your face. That guy is very wealthy and well off, et cetera. But it was funny to me. Well, I'm sure. Why the hell else would Hillary have lunch with him? Jesus, shut up, man.

I know, but it was also very funny to me. I know, it was funny that he would brag about that. Not brag, but that's his opener. Oh, we just had lunch with Hillary. And of course, it's so funny. Everyone there is fully clothed. And the one guy who I said is totally a narcissist on Instagram, he's there literally just wearing tiny tiny little bathing suit just

like of course he is of course and not even in the sun yeah it's like you're not going to get an old lady whose vagina stopped working in the revolutionary war um you're not going to get her pocketbook with your chest okay she doesn't care yeah i mean if you want to do anything make her a decent drink you'll get her money yeah that just really cracked me up know your audience honey so we just had lunch with hell yeah and then so then they decide they're gonna plan a fundraiser and for returning veterans yeah i can trace back to the revolutionary war we need to do more for our returning vets like make them listen to whitney's shitty bon band. I mean, what way to thank your God for keeping you alive throughout a war

than listening to terrible music played by a 45-year-old man who won't grow up with hair sewn on. It's like, congratulations, you survived Iraq. Now you get to listen to Renob and Kelsey Ballerini. Now, who's rooting for Iraq, be honest? We'll go back. we'll go back now um so uh um so then we have a scene where katherine goes to this place it's like the charleston school for being a domestic wife when she's like you know i'm like i'm not gonna give up up on Thomas. I'm going to be the best wife to him that I can possibly be.

It's like, Catherine, give up the dream. He's an asshole to you, okay? First of all, he dumped you, so it's over. Second of all, he's bad for you, and you've said so a million times. Don't do this thing where, okay, you're going to bend over backwards for a man. No, find someone who truly appreciates you and appreciates your shitty cooking and takes you for who you are okay Catherine I guess but I mean in her defense she's gonna be a single mom now you got to try a little

harder you got to learn some new tricks got what a parsnip is yeah woman's like a parsnip she's like yeah when you when you make these parsnips mean, the good thing about cooking is you start cooking and you start thinking. And Catherine's like, oh, my God, that's happening to me right now. I'm thinking and reflecting. I'm thinking about things. Like, I was just, like, I'm having some real deep thoughts. I'm like, did you know that there's such a thing as white carrots? Oh, my God, I'm holding some real deep thoughts. I'm like, did you know that there's such a thing as white carrots? Oh, my God.

I'm holding one right now. I feel like I've been so ignorant. If only I'd served Thomas a parsnip, he'd have been like, thanks, Catherine, for educating me on different type of vegetables. You can be my wife now. I loved her saying she gets this old, ugly potato looking Yoda looking parsnip. And she's like, this is what my relationship looks like right now. Veiny, hairy in the wrong places. I don't even know what it's supposed to taste like anymore.

She's like, OK, enough cooking. We're done. We're done. Meat's done. Wow, that was such good reflecting. It's like I can see myself in this parsnip because I'm reflecting. I love Thomas so much, and I want this to work out. And he promised me things.

He promised me to take care of me and a car and an Applebee's gift card. I haven't gotten nothing from thomas and i'm gonna make him pay but i do love him and i hope it works out but i'm gonna make him pay it's like make up your mind are you like vindictive bitch who's gonna get a free kia or are you like in this for the long haul come on yeah she's like yeah i know she's like he broke every single promise he made to me which is why i'm so determined to go back to him and have a great marriage it's like, he broke every single promise he made to me, which is why I'm so determined to go back to him and have a great marriage. You can lie to me on the Bluetooth system in my Kia. Well, honey, those things look just like Lexuses.

I mean, so the name tag's different. Who cares? He's so right. Last time I checked, I still didn't have that bag of SunChips he promised me, so I'm going to get that, that's for sun chips he promised me so I'm gonna get that that's for sure because he's gonna be my husband I have sun chips every single day I went to Thomas's election night to show him that no matter what I'm supportive oh is that what that was that was you being supportive oh okay Through thickness and in health. Is that the way it goes?

Thickness and health? In death and scariness, I will be your support. I do. In 95% or 3% of the vote, I'm with you. I learned that while I was cutting up a parsnip and then we got a scene of cameron like oh she's talking she's talking to her friend because cameron's never really doing anything except commenting so they're like uh cameron it's the last episode you might want to have a scene with somebody so she's like oh i'll call my girlfriend over hey girlfriend with a huge

diamond on your ring the camera kept looking at this huge diamond. And the friend's like, well, don't you want a baby? And she's like, no. Hey, babies are disgusting. I ain't having some goddamn baby. That is gross. I mean, that's worse than having a dirty room. If you think dirty rooms are bad, wait until you see what your womb looks like. Dirty womb

is greater than dirty room. It's like having Craig living in your womb. All sorts of junk left all over the place. Except that junk is a baby. And then you have to get it out. This baby is not studying for the bar. I'm worried about this baby.

He left his underwear on the floor of my womb. Somebody get me another Krispy Kreme. I'm going to have a donut baby. So then finally is the scene you've been waiting to talk about when landon's mom shows up and they look at they walk through her new house mom me and my mom's relationship is like it's like not like normal people's it's like civilized like we're not like i mean if she's my mom. And then her mom comes in. She's like, nice gate.

Yeah. I'm going to love this. And Landon's like, yeah, because in the war, you had to give away your gate because they were making bullets out of them to shoot black people. And these people didn't give away their gate. So they kept it. And they were known as traitors. But, I mean, no black people got in. So, I mean, it's a win-win.

Cooper's organizing a petition. Let us burn down Landon's house for what it stood for in the Civil War. We cannot abide by these traitors. People, defenders of black people. You can tell a lot by looking at a gate. And one thing I know is that there was a lot of give me a break going on in that house after school. I will not stand for this. Give me a break.

Now I know what it takes because I'm Cooper. And I am the most self-loathing gay in Charleston. 227, the unluckiest numbers in the world. Well, I'm moving on up to a house with a gate. And I say these are not good times at all. I still can't get my suits dry cleaned. So anyway. By the way, the house, Landon didn't buy it.

She's just renting it, I believe. But it's actually an amazing house. And it's also way too big for one girl. And I would be scared because that staircase is straight out of every single mature thriller I've seen. That's a staircase that someone gets thrown off of. Have you ever seen that movie? That is. That's like that movie where they were trying to get roommates, and then the roommates started to kill them all.

What was that movie? I just remember it was the Nina Simone song and those stairs. Oh. Well, there's an ian mckellen uh shallow grave there was a movie a shallow grave where there was like a crazy staircase like that also or like any of the omen movies there's just it's just like that's a staircase that involves death that's like a death staircase so and by the way landon is so horror moving moving herself like new girl just trying to start over. New, big, empty house with ghosts from the Civil War and a scary

staircase. Like, she is doing the conjuring to herself. I don't need to lock my door for Charleston. She's like, there's a ghost in here. The ghost is like, shut up, I'm trying to scare you. I know, I'm very scared. No, you're laughing. I'm scared. You're not scared.

They're like, who is this crazy bitch? I'm leaving. The ghost came into my room, but at least it paid attention to me. I'm like, my husband. So then the mom's like, nice stairs. These would look much better with a husband on them, but I guess you're fine walking up them alone. you're fine walking up on my loan yeah so landed's mom clearly disproves of disapproves of everything because she she can't even put a proper spin on everything without sounding so totally awkward her mom's like oh so now you're doing these pop-ups that's fine pop-up you know because

you know it's like i like those i like those pop-up books you know turn a page and pops up and then it goes away and yeah yeah i like, oh, that was a real awkward. Yeah. When did pop-up books start disappearing? I mean, what the fuck kind of household was this? Mom's like, you know, you open those books and then those things pop up and then they disappear forever. No. Like what pop-up book left you?

Then the book was never opened up again. Okay. Because once you're done reading the pop-up book, then you have to start getting married, okay? Landon's like, well, you know, after you were mean to me when I left my husband, she's like, well, you know how hard that was on me? I know. What's wrong with this woman? She was amazing. You think I didn't want to run from your daddy?

That's what we do. We put up with men's shit welcome to being a woman now when you're ready to be a real woman call me i got some terrible men to pawn off on you like jesus seriously uh but they did actually the scene did end on a nice note where it seemed like the mom was like understanding and then they cried and hugged and i was like oh land and her mom's like wow maybe if you hugged your husband like that, he'd still be here instead of squashed in some book somewhere that no one's going to open ever again. This is so hard on me, Landon. You know how hard it is for me to hug you when I disapprove of everything you do?

So then it's time for the big fundraiser featuring featuring up and coming country act kelsey ballerini mom thought it would be a good idea to get some of my rock star friends out shut up whitney i know craigslist ad hey man hey man it's like oh i got my here never mind you just kept on saying man all the time hey brah you know reknob is backwards yeah totally you guys you guys warm up i'm gonna go watch some porn because my penis still works okay tell your friends guys tell your friends oh god um they're getting ready and whitney and craig are gonna be auctioned off yeah they both they're going to be in like a bachelor auction. I love this show.

I love the fights on this show. They're so stupid. First of all, both these guys look dumb. Craig almost looked right, but then he had these ridiculous shoes on. And red pants that he stole from that fashion show. Yeah, exactly. Notice those were those red gay pants

from his Everything is Red fashion show. It's like old Charleston when blacks and gays were not allowed to speak. And I would have been so proud to be amongst those non-speaking gays. Because not one of those gays or black people would be able to say out loud, why is he wearing a red suit in the middle of summer? The horror. Cooper's like, I like designing all my clothes red because it reminds me of the blood

shed amongst the slaves. Good old glory days of Charleston. Oh, God. We are, by the way, making fun of that. We are not endorsing it. So anyway, and then Shep is dressed – I mean Shep normally looks cute in his own frumpy way, but he was looking really ridiculous. He pulled out some sort of suede bullshit that Craig rightly compared to George Bush.

Yeah. I was like okay well so anyway so they go to this uh they go to this fundraiser and it turns out both of them are into kel kelsey ballerini they're like oh hey look at that kelsey ballerini singing up there i know i'm doing cooper voice but i can't get out of it. Sorry. Once you go Cooper, you'll never get it in your pooper. Because that should be illegal.

Because in the glory days of Charleston, it sure was illegal, and we all want to live in the glory days of Charleston. So, I wasn't going to say. So anyway, both Shep and Craig are into Kelsey Ballerini, which is sort of exciting. But then we know it's going to go to a real pissy, whiny state, right?

Because they both like the same girl. So then it's time for the auction. So Craig is up first. And Kelsey Ballerini actually bids $1,500 on him. And it's like, oh, my God, Kelsey Ballerini actually bids fifteen hundred dollars on him and it's like oh my god kelsey ballerini likes craig and then the uh the narcissistic gay guy he then bids five thousand on him so then kelsey bids five thousand and one and and i'm just gonna be honest here i don't know of any up-and-coming musician that's gonna blow five thousand and one dollars on a date clearly she was given the money. Clearly either the gay

gave him the money or the producers were like, here, we'll just pay for it. Just bid whatever you want to bid. Or it was tax season. She's like, I have given nothing to anybody. My taxes are huge. Is there anyone with a hairless ass I can give some money to and get a tax break? Craig. Craig will do it. I'm in!

Is Kelsey Ballerini struggling with too much income Is that what you're saying Too many record sales For Kelsey Ballerini I'm saying you get tax breaks for charity And that's charity That is charity in many senses of the word

That's why rich people are all like I have my own foundation It's called me.com We help poor people Except that I'm richer than them. It's like, what the hell? That's not the charity. It's the Kelsey Ballerini Foundation for the Fulment of Curator Hair and Bachelors.

So anyway, so my mom. Okay, so I love that Shep immediately gets jealous. He's like, what? That's so dumb. Why would... Look how big his head's getting. His head's getting so big. I don't get it.

Like your Reza. He's so stupid. I know, I'm doing like Southern Reza. That's so Persian. That's so stupid. I hope you enjoy your stupid free-balling point, jerk. I hope that that country star doesn't wear any underwear so it's the first time in your life that you get a boner.

Whatever. I'm going out of town without you. Bye, stupid. I love how the guys on the show fight. They're like, you're dumb. You're dumb. No, fuck you, man. You're stupid.

Oh, you're dumb. It becomes like 1950s. 1950s 13-year-olds being like, gosh, why would anyone like him? Jeez, he's so dumb. Gosh. Golly. I hate him. God, he's so dumb gosh golly i hate him god he's so annoying gosh gosh no lassie i don't want to talk right now all right i'm in the middle of being mad yeah that's a good part so then um so then shep goes up there and all he gets is like 1750

pity bid from Cameron. But I want to say something here, though. If it had not been for the hot gay guy fucking with them all, Craig would have sold for $1,500. So really, Shep, I think technically might have actually won that one. It's just that the gay guy went in there just to raise more money for Shep. Well, I mean, you can't say they only won because they scored a basket at the last second. It still counts. That's true. I know.

I'm assuming that's how it happens. The thing is that I like Shep and I dislike Craig, so I was trying to give Shep some points. Well, Craig is definitely... Shep's the one you marry. Craig's the one you masturbate to. But that being said, Shep is being a total baby about the whole thing. Although I have this theory about why Shep is being so pissy is that it's not about the Bachelor auction.

It's that somewhere along the way, they just think that Craig is like really cocky and but they haven't really addressed it I mean even though they say he's so cocky so cocky there probably was some incident that happened three months ago that rubbed Shep the wrong way or Cameron and it's been festering inside of them and it's manifesting in this way because you know when you have like a when someone annoys you then everything

they do just drives you nuts that's clearly what's happening that's obviously what's happening also it's a Bravo and you really don't need to be a woman anymore to be a real housewife. And these men know how to do it now. It's like Luann. She'll hate Carol forever

for making fun of her not being a real countess or something or like trying to get a dress from her friend. No matter what happens, no matter if Karen, Karen, if Carol comes up with a cure for cancer, Luann would be like,

oh God, some princess. What is she, a doctor? Oh, that's great. That's great. Have fun being a doctor. Well, I just love Shep just going on and on and on and on and on. He's so stupid. Look how big his head is.

Why is he acting like that? Look at him. Look at him smiling. He's smiling. Look at him breathing. He's breathing. This is so cool because he can breathe like guess what we all have lungs shut up and meanwhile thomas is inside like i'd love to go see katherine who just walked in in a fur tent but i've got to sign autographs for these like i know take you know he's like one percent of the population you know i'm a one percent% of the population. You know, I'm a 1%.

They're not rich, but they're the people who voted for me. I'm going to run for senator of this battleship. Why does, by the way, why does Catherine always show up so massively late? She always shows up, like, it always seems like three hours late. I don't know if that's just the producers or she just is one of those people that shows up massively late because it's like every make an entrance yeah she certainly does you know like last time when she made an entrance and then walked right in front of the mic stand in a huff to be supportive so i love that she shows up and this is like the worst quality in a couple like this they fight they fight they fight then as revenge she gets dressed

up and looks amazing because she's beautiful so then then Thomas is like, well, you know, it's hard for me to ignore that. What can I say? I'm weak. By the way, a great thing you want to say as a politician. What can I say? I tried to stand for what I believed in, but I'm weak. It's great. Listen, I'm going to try and bridge.

I'm going to try and build bridges and schools and new water filtration plants. But if there's some ass in my way, I just want to say right now, I'm not doing anything. Vote for me, Thomas Rabindow. Well, I said I wanted a smaller government and Hillary Clinton said she wanted a bigger government. And, well, I saw that pantsuit and what can I say? Really? We just had lunch with her she loves pantsuit she told us she told us so so he is basically horny for kath he's basically like he basically wants to bang a teenager so he's like so he's smiling i'm like oh fuck he's

gonna go back to her um but meanwhile shep and cameron have now gone out to some balcony or not balcony some deck on this ship. They're continuing to bitch. They're like, gosh, Craig's head is just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then the most amazing turn of events, Craig comes walking out to talk to them and he just bops his head on the doorframe. And he's like, ow, dudes. And Shep's like, look at you. You hit your head, stupid.

It's because your head's too big idiot you're an idiot who'd pay five thousand dollars to be with you stupid douche it grows your boner who does that who hits their head on a door frame oh you're so dumb yeah you're dumb dude i'm so embarrassed to be friends with you and then meanwhile uh patricia's inside did you see catherine pouting in a mink it's rude to go somewhere you're invited to i know those veterans they they just hate charity she's like how dare you show up at a charity event to give charity to fallen soldiers in that disgusting strumpet of a coat even that mink was a strumpet. Had another one of what I like to call a psychotic episode.

Or she didn't bring anything to donate to the military, except for a bunch of parsnips. I don't know what those have to do with anything. I brought the parsnips because this way everyone can reflect on what everyone's done for the military and for the country.

This parsnip promised me a Kia on the way over. His name is Gary. Gary said he'll never leave me. But he's already starting to get old and wrinkly. I don't understand. Why is Gary doing that? So then Catherine and Thomas sit down. And Thomas is like, at first he's all over.

He's touching her ass, he's like you look wonderful. And then they're like, we gotta figure this out. And she's like, she wants him to say let's get married, which is like the most illogical thing that would happen at this moment. And he's like, I think that what we should do

is have joint custody of whatever Kinsey, and what we'll do is then work on us. And she's like, so you want to keep on dating? The parsnip didn't say you were going to say that. The parsnip said we're getting married. It's like, he's like, no, well, we need to work on this. So then she gambles and she loses because she says, no.

She's like, I want more of a commitment. It's either all in or all out. So he's like, all right, see you, bitch. I'm all out. And he's gone. She's like, Thomas, don't leave me. My favorite thing of the entire season that they show on every clip of this show. Thomas, come back. Thomas. my favorite thing of the entire season that they show on every clip of this show it was one of the most sad and pathetic moments for womankind i'm like lady he not only dumped you

he's treated you bad like you shouldn't go back to him because a he dumped you but b he all even when you're together he treats you. Like have some self-respect. You're a beautiful young woman. She's crazy. It's not like she's totally innocent in this. Some young girl went and banged some old dude for his money or whatever, his power, his reality show status. I don't know. But she was definitely banging most of those dudes on the show.

So she was obviously after something. She contributes 50% of the problems in this relationship. But I'm just saying, if I were talking to her, you know, I can't say to her, well, you know, you're half the problem, Catherine. It's like, she at the very least needs to, like, see what...

why this will never, ever work out. But of course, she also sabotages it because he's, like, feeling her because he's horny. And she's like, well, I can't believe you talked to whitney and to jennifer i can't believe it like why don't you talk to the parsnips the parsnips have lots of great advice for you parsnips think we should be together sure i talked to a parsnip but i didn't have sex with it one time when i was pregnant like what i've seen your text messages, Thomas. You've been texting

my parsnip. Why would you do that? That's my parsnip. My parsnip told me that it told you to lay down some roots. Get it? You know, I was talking to my parsnip and that's when a light went off.

A light bulb. Get it? Thomas, why don't you laugh at my possum joke? You know they're just black carrots, right? She's way too stupid for that joke. She'd be like, I'm not eating a bulb. I don't want to die young. I have a baby now.

The relationships on this show are all terrible. Mother-son, embarrassing. The friends, kind of bad. The worst, I think, is Whitney and Thomas. Whitney is the worst friend. He tries to ruin Thomas' life on purpose every time they hang out. What kind of friend's advice is, hey, listen, listen, man, you need to do what's right for the baby and leave her yeah when did that become normal advice well i mean it's weird because i don't actually disagree with

whitney on when it comes to katherine because those two should not be together but i think that whitney comes from a malicious place versus jd who comes from nice guy place because he's jd you know what i'm saying yeah he's like look your baby needs a chance to redecorate apartment that three ex-wives have lived in. I mean, look how happy it makes my mother. That was awesome. I learned everything I learned from decorating because one of my husbands had an apartment decorated by the three ex-wives. And that's when I thought figurines but hidden discrete collections that's that's what i have discrete collections of gays um i i did like when

whitney said about katherine and thomas he said listen my only concern about thomas going back to katherine is that he's gonna either wind up dead or in jail yeah pretty much pretty much. But I think that's probably how he's going to end up anyway. And that has nothing to do with her. I think that's his life trajectory. Like, look at his history. Either way, I actually really enjoyed this season finale. And I really enjoy this show. I love the houses that they live in.

And I love their petty squabbles because they're just so super petty. And, you know, in the reunion, they're going to be like, yeah, bro, it was yeah bro it was cool it was just funny i was just being a jerk yeah and we'll still love it and basically no one has a story you know you talk about katherine not having a story almost no one has a story i mean whitney does basically nothing they all just sort of like loaf around and be rich and they also get up in the morning like every i feel like i was 90 of the episodes they always show them waking up in the morning and then they also like i was 90 of the episodes they always show them waking up in the morning and then they also show them getting ready to go to parties that's their favorite thing on this show is getting up and then getting ready getting up getting ready getting up getting ready

i was going to mention that because the episode always begins with like jazz and music like and it's always like an alarm clock going off and shut being like, and Craig going, and Cameron be like, all right, I'm up now. And Catherine brushing her teeth and be like, Kinsey, you know, welcome to Charleston, home of the alarm clock and the shower and two black people.

Come on in. Oh, I love this show. I'm actually sad. We didn't have miles on this episode to talk about it. Cause it was a fun episode for that that she probably wanted to say things. Malz, if you're out there, we're sorry. And Christy Teigen, you can come on with Malz also.

Yeah, Christy, get over here, Christy. You guys, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. As usual, this show will remain free. Tom is coming back. But if you want bonus content, if you want bonus, if you want us to talk about something in future episodes, you can do one or two things.

You can either come to our Facebook page and like us and write on the Facebook page, or you can get yourself a parsnip and reflect on it. And then maybe you can send a message to the parsnip. Or you could have your butler write it down during a dinner drink and have a slave bring it over to my the posnip. Or you could have your butler write it down during a dinner drink and have a slave bring it over to my house on horseback.

Thank you. Yes. But yes, thank you all for listening. I know as Ronnie wraps up this episode, I'm going to go hang a plate on my wall. So it's a pretty exciting day for me. Don't forget to take Mario something. I mean, not that you care.

So this podcast remains free, of course, but if you want to support us come to patreon.com slash watch what crappens we have a bonus episode every week uh we do a google hangout every month and there's ringtones and all sorts of stuff and also you just keep us fat and happy well me fat and ben happy um what else we've got watch what crappens.com go over there listen to other listeners you guys I know so many commercials are kind of annoying, but we're so excited to have them. So thank you for your patience.

And thank you for everybody who's advertising with us. I hope you guys buy lots of mattresses and subscribe to those next issue magazines. Actually, it really is a good deal. That next issue thing. So if you are into the magazines, you have any magazines you like,

especially like the cooking ones, by the way, you can get get like bon appetit and all that shit on your tablet so you guys should look into that i know i will i'm i have to cook something this week for dinner party the future is now thomas thomas get back here i'm not letting you leave without my next issue subscription. This is not Busy B. I swear. I'm going to get that Busy B scene. And you're going to hear that Catherine is Parker Posey in the show. I swear to God.

Same exact person. Guys, love you. Thanks for everything. We will talk to you next week. Bye. Bye. Say hi to christy tegan for us bye if you like listening to comedy try watching it on the internet the folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with comedians like reggie watts todd glass

liza slicinger slicing driving friends with her for 10 years one of the funniest people out there and i still have a hard time with the last name liza our very own owen benjamin that's me takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more you don't have to wait any longer just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here. And it's funny. And I love you.

To the insurance company that did me wrong. I've moved on and am happily insured with another. Bless your peep-picking heart. It was just never meant to be betwixt us. You gave me automobile insurance apprehension. And Geico has come along and in just 15 minutes given me new car insurance and made me as jubilant as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval.

That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another. Clara May in Columbia. Geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.