Watch What Crappens - #192: OC Is Back, and Shannon Is Doing Just Great, Thanks.

Episode Date: June 10, 2015

Get comfy because we got a long episode today. Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (The Banter Blender podcast) welcome back The Real Housewives of Orange County with a super-supersized episode. The guys break down the whole premiere: from Tamra's life lessons to Shannon's crumbling marriage to new girl Meghan to Heather's mansion. And of course Brooks. Then it's on to the "Married to Medicine" premiere with master wordsmith Toya welcoming back for season 3. After that, we shed some tears for the women of "Blood, Sweat, and Heels" (it's a big deal), and finally we wrap up with the "Kandi's Ski Trip" finale. Come listen! You can donate to us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: bit.ly/crappens Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Crap is. Crap is.

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i'm not sure ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com hello ban hello everybody thanks for having me oh you are welcome i can by the way say that I too am caffeinated. Today I actually got a venti iced coffee. And normally I get a grande, but I felt like we have so many shows to talk supporters get access to a weekly bonus episode. This week we talked about Kim Richards and her rehab situation, as well as her losing her house. We talked a little bit about Kathy Hilton, but most importantly, we talked at length about the Tonys. So if you watch the Tonys a few days ago,

or if you like Broadway, or you just are bored, go listen to that. It was fun. Or you just like listening to a bitter old queen from the 50s bitch about the state of musicals. I mean, seriously, sometimes I hear myself and I'm like, Jesus, just stop talking. Yeah. What happened to musicals?

We got into it about On the Town. I mean, this was like we were discussing Lee Sermon versus Kim Richards, except we were talking about On the Town. I mean, this was like we were discussing Lee Sermon versus Kim Richards, except we were talking about On the Town. I still want the modernized Iraq version of On the Town. Still holding out. The cast of Three Kings is now doing On the Town. On the Town. After.

After the war. Iraq, Iraq, what a beautiful country. The sand is up and the terrorism's down. The terrorists hide in a hole in the ground. Iraq, Iraq. What a hell of a town. Let's bomb it.

Let's bomb it. Let's bomb it. Rebuild it. Into the Gulf we go. We go. I had a desert storm. Anyway, so. I had a Desert storm Anyway so I wore a bomb

When time went by I pressed a button But it didn't go off I'll get no virgins When I die Weapons Of mass destruction Weapons Anyway So did I mention that we were caffeinated

so um uh by the way also if you support us aside from these wonderful bonus episodes that we were promoting uh you also could get access to google hangouts our next one's gonna be next week and ringtones ronnie's gonna make some. Also, be sure to check out our Facebook page. Facebook.com forward slash watch what crap ends. I think we did. We hit 4,000. If not, we are very, very close. I think so.

I think we did, actually. Oh, my God. That is. Oh, no. We're at 3,999. No way. Maybe it'll change over the course of the podcast And is there any social media?

You know, watchforcrappens.com Find our social media there I think that's it Oh, do we have to do our boxy eight? We have to do our boxy charm, not boxy eight Sound more excited by it, Ben You know what, I am I am

I'm just, you know what I've got the caffeine It comes and goes It's like that little musical interlude at the top of the show it's like it's like that took a lot out of me but um everyone just listen to this and then we will get to our podcast boxy charm boxy charm there's nothing like getting something in the mail from somebody boxy charm is a beauty subscription box that sends you full-size products ranging from cosmetics, skincare, haircare, and more for only $20 to $1 a month, plus free shopping with no long-term commitment, and you can cancel at any time, just like a canceled Broadway musical. Other companies

send sample sizes, but BoxyCharm sends you full-size products, like Kelsey Grammer as Captain Hook, from popular brands such as Tarte Cosmetics, NCLA, Oscar Blondie, and Cargo Cosmetic. I have no idea what any of those are, but I'm sure to those of you who wear cosmetics, it's really cool. BoxyCharm promises a total value of $95 each month and also offers exclusive member-only offers and giveaways from the best brands, and subscribers can receive loyalty points to redeem extra goodies for their box. Perfect for treating yourself, your wife, your girlfriend, your mom, your friends. If you're not sold, just search BoxyCharm on YouTube and to access thousands of

unboxing videos. Go enjoy it. Hey, guess what? It's time for the podcast. We did it. We promoted everything. Time for the podcast. Yay, BoxyCharm. BoxyCharm. BoxyCharm, darling. Darling, if you have to go to Broadway, if you go see On The Town,

you better get your Boxy Charm box and get your cosmetics and get a full face of makeup so when you go out On The Town, you look like you're nice. I love Boxy Charm so much. It's like my daughter. You know, I always said I wish I could get a box of charming makeup. And guess what? They made a company based on me.

It's called BoxyCharm. I like makeup, so BoxyCharm created a company. Oh, Lydia, come back, Real Housewives of Melbourne. I still miss you. Well, Real Housewives of Melbourne is gone, but guess what? It's summer by Bravo, and we have a lot of stuff to talk about.

We have Real Housewives of Orange County to talk about today. We have Married to Medicine. We have Blood, Sweat, and Heals. We have Candy's Wedding. But by the way, before we get to all that, Ronnie had a Real Housewives moment last week because he went and saw Leah Black at her book signing. Leah Black!

Welcome back! Yeah, Leah invited us to her book signing thing last week because she came out with her book signing. Welcome back. Yeah, Leah invited us to her book signing thing last week because she came out with her new book and it's actually a big book. Like, it's a real book. I mean, no offense, Leah. I was just thinking, you know, it's a Housewives book, so it would be like a pamphlet. It's like an

actual real big book and it was in a real bookstore, darling. I mean, that's class, right? It wasn't in like the Taylor Swift section of fucking Walmart or whatever where they keep the books at like Target, you know? And they're like, look, it's Taylor Swift and also literature.

You can hear them making fart noises with the signs they make. It's an actual novel. It's not like a memoir of Leah's life. It's a novel based loosely on Leah's life. Yeah, it's a novel based loosely on Leah's life getting that

gala together. The Leah Black gala! So I walked around the entire time just invoicing people that I didn't know. Because I was pocket drinking, let's be honest. I went with my friend Kim, who's a really funny recapper on Trash Talk TV. She does our Shaws recap. So funny.

And we ended up hanging out with Heather. Heather McDonald a little bit was there, so I got to meet her in real life. That's fun. Funny bitch. That's fun. Yeah, she's funny. And then Amy Phillips, who's hilarious. She's like an actual real life friend.

Yes. She was super fun, and she agreed to come co-host with me when Ben's out of town soon. Yes, I'm going to be gone for a week. Yeah. And we just had a great time. It was filled. I mean, it was, as Nini would call it, it was a Twitter party because that was like, you know, anybody could go. So it's not like it was like some private event that we got invited to.

It was like, you know, us and then like a gaggle of queens who love Leah and stuff. But there were a lot of people there. It was super fun. Just being at Pump was hilarious because that restaurant, I mean, it's not big. Pump is a very small place and you're going to bump your head on a goddamn piece of vase

or hanging. I mean, some of these light things she had hanging. I was like, did you bring these from Greece? These look like set pieces. Did you bring these from Greece? Where are like set pieces. Did you bring these from Greece? Where are these things from? They're huge. What's the point of having a hot bartender if you can't see them?

Most importantly, did you get to see Chef Penny? No, I did not get to see Chef Penny. Oh, so sad. Oh, no. Did you order any tuna tartare? A whirlwind chop tour. Oh, no. Did you order any tuna tartare?

Super Spitz got a whirlwind chop to her. No, but I did get to see Ken, who's basically a flesh Roomba at this point. He's just like this. I can't believe he was even alive. Like, he spoke, and I was like, he's alive? He looks like he's on a motorized parade float kind of thing made out of skin. And he just kind of walks. He shuffles really slowly through the restaurant literally with his eyes closed like he was taking a nap

while he was walking I think he was like looking for the swan or some shit that guy was sleeping and then a bunch of tourists keep coming up and attacking him and he does like this really kind of hateful smile because you can tell he hates them and then gets his picture taken and then shuffles on to the next guy it's kind of

sad but I'll tell you what clean carpet I mean that is a good Roomba and then gets his picture taken and then shuffles on to the next guy. It's kind of sad. Oh. But I'll tell you what, clean carpet. I mean, that kid is a good Roomba. So there was him, and Leah was super funny and nice. You know Leah. She's like, oh, hi. I'm like, hi, Leah, how are you?

And she's like, good, how's it going? Do you know how many times I've retweeted your stuff? I'm like, okay, okay, what do you need? Do you need me to unpack your trunk? Like, what is it? Give me a list. Give me a to-do list. But she's super funny.

She's standing around. Every picture she took, she had to repose because she was wearing her gigantic Leah Black jewelry or whatever it's called. I guess it's called black jewelry. But giant. It's very pretty and huge. And she's wearing this ring that's like a full-length mirror on a ring. It's like a big, long, thin mirror on a ring that she can, I guess, check her teeth with. So she's wearing all of her own jewelry, holding up her big book, and then holding up her big old diamond purse.

You know how she makes those? Oh, yeah. It's like everything that Leah sells, you know? Yeah. I mean, one of my favorite quotes of hers from the last season of miami was when she was like i don't care if they're fighting as long as they're hitting each other with my bags whatever she said tear it down oh super fun i saw slade and gretchen and i congratulated slade on his acting career because he did something and

last time i met him he was telling me about becoming an actor and stuff and so I was like hey since last time we spoke you actually became an actor and he goes um actually I've been an actor for over 20 years please please that's like calling people who work at subway subway our sandwich artists are not actually on the same level as me and go. And Gretchen was like, this place looks great. You guys just need an iron chicken and maybe a ceramic chef to hold some cookies. However. However, I can go to Stag Mart right now and get you one.

So it was fun. It was a fun, crazy night. Mostly because we got drunk and then went to the Abbey, which I don't care what anybody says. It's still fun. I know. I haven't been there. I'm with great people there. I haven't been to the Abbey in forever.

I have to go. Well, Gay Pride's coming up this weekend, but I think I got booked for it. No, don't go to Abbey on Gay Pride. Good lord. I know. I know. What am I talking about? I'm talking like an out-of-towner here.

Well, maybe I'll just go to Pump. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Pump and try to find Chef Benny. Well, that was a super fun time. So thanks, Leah, for having me. Red Carpet White Lies is the name of her book, I think, right? Yeah, Red Carpet Lies. I was going to read excerpts from it today as Leah,

but I figure we can hold that when we don't have 18 shows to discuss. Yeah, exactly. So why don't we get into the big event of the week, which is the return of Orange County, which made me so happy.

I actually didn't even realize how much I missed this show until it came on and they had the opening. And honestly, I love Shannon's new opening. When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl. What does that mean? Because I think that she had a thing last year where she was talking about feng shui. Feng shui.

And she's like, there have to be nine lemons in this bowl. David. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Life gives you lemons. Just give some to David's mistress because she likes lemons. Right, David? Right, David? David?

David? That should have been her opening line. David? David? David? David, do you love me? Do you love me? David, do you love me?

Oh, wow. All right. David, I am trying to let go of all this resentment I have for you. And I'm having a hard time trying to just, you know, love you for who you are. That's her opening line. It's like, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d thumb on my butt can't make the hurt go away from David. David. David. David.

No, it's just like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. There's just Shannon next to a switch. David, the chandelier. I think the chandelier is not working. David. David. It just goes to the next person. Every week it's just like catching Shannon off guard where she's like not even aware.

David. David, have we packed up? David, I need to light my abundance candles david david david oh good oh so the other good ones tamara's boldness comes to the cost and i'm willing to pay really because you've been whining about how everybody's bullying you for years what are you willing to pay exactly for your boldness it's called cuntiness and you never pay back anything okay miss born again christian i cannot wait until tamra decides to become born again because you know that's coming this season right yes by the way um you just dropped the c word again i was at

a it's funny i was like oh god damn it what's wrong with me i'm not even thinking of it i was at a i was at a party that's all i think about i was at a party. That's all I think about. I was at a party this weekend, and it was funny. There were these two gays there, and one of them was like, oh, my God. I'm sorry. I just get so cunty in these situations. And this girl next to me was like, excuse me? He's like, yeah, I get so cunty. I'm like, oh, my God.

I can't believe this guy doesn't realize he's completely offended this girl. She's like, oh, wow. She's like, that's great. And he's like, yeah, I know. I'm just such a cunt. I was like, please stop saying it over and over and over again well i think you can call yourself or other guys a cunt right you just well a woman a cunt i mean housewives are cunts so you can call them that but i think i think it's context i think it's context appropriate no i think i think that

some cases i think you have to sort of get that social cue from a woman that it's okay before you start saying it. I'm not scolding you. I'm just saying I was in a situation where the C word was getting dropped and someone clearly was not doing it. Listen, I'm a feminist, all right? I'm a feminist. I will not hold the door open for you and I'll call you a cunt if you don't hold it open for me. No, I'm just kidding.

I think that's a terrible word in real life. But for some reason, when we're recording this thing, it just falls out, especially when Tamara Barney is in it. Let's talk about Tamara Barney. I was actually shocked that we didn't see anything from Cut Fitness this week. Speaking of people being cussed. Have you seen their sex tape that's on YouTube? Are they having sex on warped floors? Warped wooden floors.

Tamara's like, I'm so sick of people not feeling sorry for me. Do you know how hard it is getting banged on an uneven floor and then afterwards I reached for a towel and there were none on the shelves um as far as bullying me yeah she made a sex tape with Eddie but it wasn't a real sex tape it was an ad for cunt fitness and um it was it starts in the dark and you just hear oh yeah do it yeah oh my god it feels so good and he's like yeah you like it yeah do it harder yeah you can keep doing it she's like oh yeah and it kept doing it oh my god do it just like that and then the lights come on and he's just helping her do um like sit-ups or

whatever yeah no boner i don't know how many people they got at cunt fitness for that but just had to mention it because finally OC is back. I know it's not new news. Yeah. I know it's not new news. I like it. I liked it. Honestly, I liked it.

And I liked everything about it except for the visuals. So, well, so anyway, so we have the opening credits and then it opens up on Heather. Oh, and then Vicky. I'm the OG. Everyone else is a cop. I'm the OG of the OC. Everyone else is a cop. I'm the OG of the ORC. Everyone else is a Cappy. I'm like, you know you have all of Machina? Ex Machina? That's what Vicky is. She's like the first version of the Ex Machina robot.

She's like, oh, hello there. I'm your new robot. I'll walk around your mansion in the middle of nowhere, Mr. Millionaire. And they're like, uh, no,

we gotta revamp this robot. Let's give someone smaller and sexier. She's like, okay, okay, well, you know what? You can't turn me off. You know,

I have artificial intelligence. You can't turn me off! You can't turn me off! You're stupid.. You can't turn me off! You can't turn me off! You're stupid. You're stupid. Gretchen, you're stupid. Stupid. Enough, Gretchen. You're stupid.

Okay, yeah. So in true tradition, I took 20 pages of notes. Me too. So what do you want to know about? I took notes too. So my first note was the way it opened up with Heather. So Heather, now in this,

why are you opening with Heather? Well, she's obviously trying to change her image. Cause she's trying to be like hilarious and cool and just down with whatever. And she's cracking all these, pretending to feed her kids. She's like, she goes,

she starts off being like, you know what? I'm totally fine with this rental. It's Terry. I'm like a bullshit. You were not totally fine with this rental. You were hating it. You being like, you know what? I'm totally fine with this rental. It's Terry. I'm like, bullshit. You are not totally fine with this rental. You are hating it. You're like, there's not enough room for me.

If I were to theoretically grow five times my size, there's not enough room in me in this house. Stupid Heather. She's like, I'm totally down with the poor people. You know, I named my daughter Cosette, who was very poor, and the musical name is Rob. So I might be in one day on TV Land. I'm going to be in the TV Land version. Yeah, she's like all trying to crack jokes.

Just another morning for me here in the house, in this perfectly sized house. It's like, you know what? Terry's working harder than ever. Like, oh my god, what's going on? This is a crazy time. Okay, it's fine. Kids going off to work. Hey, hey, I'm not an octopus. Hey, hey, tips in the jar.

Terry, Terry made, you know, Terry made a lot of promises to me in the past. And then it's Terry like, I'm going to work less if we sell this house and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, and it's all on my shoulders. It is really hard work. Okay, I know boohoo me, but seriously, it's a lot of work. And then we go to the house. You know why it's a lot of work. And then we go to the house. You know why it's a lot of work? Because you can't figure where to put the Claire's Boutique in that ugly fucking mall you're building, lady.

What is that? Why do you need that much space? I mean, it's like there's a bottom. This is like Versailles here. I mean, she's the new, new queen of Versailles. It is out of control. I mean, it's like a Broadway shoes in there. I can understand.

She wants to put in a salon. Okay, fine. I get that. But, I mean, 14 bathrooms? What's happening here? Is there going to be a Santa Claus convention? You don't need that many toilets. She's like, there's going to be a lot of urine.

I'm like, no, it's going to be a big water bill unnecessarily thanks for causing the drought yeah no kidding enjoy those fucking water producing bullshit appliances heather we're all dying over here and she's like well you know i had to pay a seven i had to get a seven thousand dollar sink and the guy's like well you know i i tried to fight with you on that she's like yeah but yeah, but I mean, I took it out of a toilet, didn't I? And you know that the maid, it's like this huge house and the maid's room like has a hole in the ground to shit in, you know? Yeah, exactly. She's like, she's like, okay, you know what? Do I really need a $20,000 count up?

Yes, I do. Ha ha ha ha. I'm like, shut up. She thinks she's like being like very relatable and funny, like just sort sort of embracing her excess which i actually don't even mind that like she's wealthy i just just i just i think i just hate her i just you know heather's not a very nice girl and seeing her in a house that size i don't know it just doesn't seem right it feels like she's just saying look i don't have a prenup so fuck you because nothing says i don't have a prenup like that house i mean jesus christ any other husband would be like bye

bitch i'm moving into a studio yeah out of here i don't understand i do not understand is there going to be like a special wing for the onion rings there's just i don't understand what all that space is going to be used for her giant closet 7 000 sink uh and you still have to see the neighbors what's the point you look out the window she's like look you can see the neighbor's house like no matter you can live in a mansion here and you're still a foot away from the next neighbor's window you know what why is that what is that about this place yeah and and by the way congratulations like you're you're still like what next door to jim edmonds or whatever whatever his name is jim edmonds yeah and and like he obviously is like a piece of shit too so it's like you okay you built like a giant mcmansion

in shitsville i mean i know there's a beautiful i know i know there's a beautiful ocean view and i know that's a very wealthy community but like just look look at look at your surroundings okay just look look what you it's like oh congratulations you built a really giant house in the middle of the land of tamra barnes okay congratulations yeah congratulations rooting for a tsunami yeah um so then we then we moved on to Shannon, who actually has a lovely mansion. And I guess the big news here is that she is now yeast-free. David. David, I can't remember.

I'm yeast-free, David. Yeah, she's having – Vicky's like, oh, God, that sounds like a dream. She's having lunch with Vicky, and Vicky's like, oh, my God, your bracelet snagged my Chanel coat. I'm like, oh, geez, Vicky. Because you know she's going to sell that later on ebay smelling like armpits do you remember those ebay reviews of vicky trying to resell all the clothes that she wears on the housewives and people leave reviews and they're like they're like well it it was delivered very quickly but there was a rip in the in the elbow and it smelled like body odor i was like oh god vicky come on this jacket worn only once to oklahoma when I got stuck in a

tornado and was eating beef testicles. Okay, thank you. Cow testicles. And we also got a very classic scene with Vicky. Vicky's first scene. So I was glad they added another classic in there, which is the waiter scene of Bravo, where they make us sit

there and watch people order shit and the waiter try not to run away and quit or hide or whatever. She's like, well, what would you have? You know, maybe the beef. And Shannon's like, beef kills you. Or whatever. You want to split a salad, Vicky? That's what David would like. Oh, but you get a dry salad?

Who eats dry salad? I love dry things. I like dry salad. It reminds me of my relationship with David. It's very dry. David, why can't we be more moist? I need more dressing on my dry salad. It reminds me of my relationship with David. It's very dry. David, why can't we be more moist? David, I need more dressing on my love salad. Our salad might need a little blue cheese, but at the end of the day, he's got to earn that. You know what? I always say that we're like oil and vinegar, and we need to be shaken up to be together. And lately, we're just sort of separated.

David, David. If David starts behaving himself, we'll be having a dry salad with croutons, and until then, it's dry salad. Until David learns, because I love him, and I love my family, and I'm gonna keep it together, and this salad's gonna help us. David. If David wants to prove his love to me, then he will put a hard-boiled egg in our love salad.

But until then, it'll just be leaves. Leafy greens. I'm used free, but will you please bring a bread basket so I can sit here and be tempted like David is every day of our marriage? Oh, David. I want to be treated like a piece of fresh romaine, but David just treats me like old across the iceberg.

I'm basically a wedge at this point. I'm a wedge. David. David. David. Don't you think I look like Radicchio today? David. Or blue cheese. You know, that's why I fell in love with Brooks. I mean, that's what he smells like. I'm just like, smother me in your blue cheese.

And tell him we got his teeth fixed. You know, sad side effects. Oh, well, you know, what I love about Brooks is that he's sort of like, you know, Caesar dressing with his anchovy. I think I'm going to Alexa voice. Pediflora stating Brooke. I went into like pediflora Like Alexa Oh well you know Peter

Oh well you know Brooks So Let's see here Vicky starts talking about Brooks Who nobody cares about And Shanna's trying to pretend that it's a good thing She's like that's great Things are working out with you and

Brooke. I mean, really? No, really? Great. It's great. And everything's great with me and David. Well, you know, Brianna, you know, she's not happy, but I gotta do what I want, right? And then they show clips of Brianna and Shanna's just like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And then

that leaves Vicky open for, oh, you know what it's like to have someone that loves you and is devoted for you. Isn't it great to have someone that loves you? Like trying to get Shannon to blow her wad in the first scene. And Shannon's like, Dr. Easton will be up my ass when I talk about this. I'm not wasting this over a dry salad with you.

I believe his name is Dr. Moon. Oh, is it Dr. Moon? Sorry, how racist of me. Dr. Yee. Oh, is it Dr. Moon? Sorry, how racist of me. Dr. Yee. David, how do you not even know the name of my doctor? How do you not even know that? David, if you loved me, you would know his name.

David. David, Dr. Moon says I need to have nine lemons in this bowl at all times. David. I love that Brianna is still the expert on who's picking good men and who's not picking good men. It's like just because your man stands up for couches doesn't make him a good man. She's like, Mom, I can't stand by Brooks. You know what? He's just bad for you. He puts his feet up on couches, and I'm not even allowed to do that.

That's what a good man does. He keeps your feet off the couch. even allowed to do that. That's what a good man does. He keeps your feet off the couch. At our Vowel Renewal, Ryan was telling me that if I ever put my feet on the couch again, he was going to cut them off, but he'd still stay with me. I mean, isn't that sweet? David said he'd buy me a

love seat, but he got me a sofa. I guess that's why we're a loveless marriage. David. So then we get to... What are we uh tamra tamra oh the like the uh you know it's not a season of the oc if tamra isn't doing some shit to her boobs so she had big boobs she got the big boobs out she got smaller boobs she got the smaller boobs out and now guess what tamra wants boobs back yeah and it's like her own feminism because first she got giant boobs because her abusive husband made her get giant boobs. And then she got her boobs taken away because she was standing up for herself and doing what she wanted.

And now she's getting them for Eddie who's still in love with her. So it's totally different. Oh, my God. And so she uses this time as she talks about getting her new boobs to literally say, I was ridiculed for being honest. I'm like, please. You're ridiculed for being an awful human being.

Revisionist history. You gotta love Tamara. Everybody was so mean to me last year. I was ridiculed for honesty. So now I'm just gonna do what everybody wants and be happy. You're ridiculed for being a gossip, not for being honest. Last year, you know, last time i was here getting my tits out all my friends were here

and now nobody's here and it's lonely getting your tits taken out alone like lily tamra like that and then she's trying to cry with her fake eyelashes a new face and full face of makeup and the flashback to when she got her tits out, it was just like, the only person who was there was Gretchen. She's like, hey, however, you have lost tits now. I was like, wow. I brought you a painting that says Paris in five different languages. I got you a martini glass that says sexy lady. It has a charm on it and a feather glued on.

Stupid Tamara. I also love how Tamara... You know, and how many times... It's like the girl who cried boob job. Like, how many times are people supposed to show up for your fucking tit jobs, lady? My God. I know. At this point, she should just put in a bike tire and just inflate it and deflate it as she wishes.

At this point, you're on the town. I'm sick of hearing it. Okay? Stop, you're on the town. I'm sick of hearing it. Okay, stop reviving it every goddamn year. Tamra, Tamra, the boobs are up and the boobs are down. The whole idea of new boobs is making her more self-confident

though because she had Eddie taking pictures of her and she didn't even have him put that camera up in the ceiling. She didn't get a space like put that camera up in the ceiling you know she didn't get like a self spacey self space selfie I know also by the way I like how the takeaway from all this is you know since she was ridiculed for being honest

she goes so now I'm gonna think before I speak I was like oh congratulations for learning something that you should have learned when you were eight years old congratulations oh wow now I'm gonna think before I speak now I'm thinking about bigger boobs and next Now I'm going to faint before I see. Now I'm thinking about bigger boobs. And next time I'm going to be thinking about smaller boobs

again. I think she's secretly getting those boobs to stretch out her boob skin enough so she can farm it and use it on her face in a couple months because she's got to be running out of shit to pull back. I mean, my God. Her chin is about to be under her eye. I thought her chin was an eye booger. I actually think she looks great for her age, but I think actually it's starting to show.

What is her age? Well, I think she's like 46 or 47 or something like that. And I think it's starting to show. For the first time, truly, it's starting to show. She still looks great, I think. But, I mean, she is just – I mean, maturity-wise, I mean, she's definitely down. She's going to think before she speaks. You know what she's going to think about?

She's going to say, oh, I wonder how nasty this will be before I say it. And then she'll say it. That's what she's going to think about. Oh, Tia Mow. Okay, so moving on. She's friends with Ryan's wife or fiance now or whatever. She loves her now. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So now we go back to Heather. And so Heather does some nice humble brag. She goes, you know, most people know Jimmy Edmonds as a superstar who won the World Series and one of the best baseball players of all time. But to us, he's just a friend. Like, shut the fuck up. Just shut up. You know, I mean, to us, he's like a best friend. But to him, I'm just some person on TV land that he turned off when she came on screen.

But I mean, mean still Terry likes him so we're psyched we're friends totally friends it's funny because to us you know to most people he's just like a god amongst men to us he's just like in our peer group and it's funny because he's always saying to me like to all of America I'm the woman

who saved Malibu country but to him I'm just his friend you know I like it to some people Oprah's you know I like it to some people Oprah's you know just some lady on Periscope right now but to me she's someone who won't go to lunch with me so you know it's like it's hard being famous yeah it's just hard like hanging with Jimmy Edmonds you know so that was really annoying but then we got to then we got to sort of start meeting megan the new housewife who is jim's wife she made an appearance last uh last last season during the ill-fated uh groundbreaking ceremony on the new house david you were buying shots for that slut

not for me thanks a lot david thanks a lot david david why do your shots have yeast in them you know i don't drink yeast oh are those shots for someone else? David, David, are you having an affair with her? Now this house is going to be built on an Indian burial ground and the burial ground of my heart, David. David, would you like a shot of my tears? Because that's what I'm shedding. David, David. I cut you off more than tequila, doesn't it, David?

Doesn't it, David? I wish I could say it would be a strong drink, but not, because I am so very weak, David. David, but I try to be strong for the family. It's not an option. Divorce is not an option, David. David, is it an option? It's not an option. Divorce is not an option because my family was the one with the money.

What do I do, David? divorce is not an option because my family was the one with the money what do i do david uh heather heather says um i mean i know it's like weird being friends with the second wife and the third wife but i mean that's orange county i'm like no it would only be tacky if you were friends with the first wife and the second and third the second and third don't get the same respect the first one did the first wife wouldn't let that shit stand. I'll tell you that right now, bitch. Yeah, exactly. And if you think you're friends with these women, think again, because I guarantee in nine months, you guys will be

hating each other. And this newbie girl is obviously a friend of Heather's. She's just like her. She's some uptight, overly snotty for shit she didn't work for, bitch. The first thing she's talking about, she's like 30, and the first thing she talks about is, um, I want to ask Terry

about Botox because I saw a wrinkle on my forehead, like right here in between my eyes. Heather's like, just listen. Terry will do whatever you want, but do not request the gerbil look, because that's mine. And he told me he would never give that to anybody else. If you come back here

looking like Caroline's mother in the nightmare sequences of that, or Coraline's mother in the nightmare sequences of that film, I'm going to be pissed. Well, I like how Megan then is talking about her relationship with Jim Edmonds. She goes, I always said I would never marry a man with kids or a guy who was older than me or marry an athlete.

Which, by the way, I think it's hilarious that marrying an athlete is even something like, oh, you know me, I'll just never marry a professional football player. It's like as if you can just go out and do that easily. But I love how she says all this stuff and then she goes, but you know, then Jim Edmonds asked me out on a date. Don't act like you would never marry a man with kids or someone who's older than you. You saw that bank account. Let's be honest here. And more specifically,

someone 11 years or more older than me, whatever that means. Not just a decade. I don't want to hit our decade birthdays together because then he'll be getting more attention than me because he'll be hitting 40 when I'm hitting 30 and I don't want to be upstaged on my birthday.

Where are you coming up with 11 years? Dumbest thing I've ever heard. Shut up. I know. I already hate this girl. I just think it's funny when someone rattles off their rules like that and then someone with a lot of money and fame comes around. It's like, how quickly those rules go out the window. Yeah.

I can tell you it's not because of his charming personality, that's for sure. Yeah. She's telling Heather that she wants kids but he's had a vasect, so they're going to have to go in vitro. And I'm like, oh, good, because we need your genes crawling around. And Heather's like, oh, yeah. Well, you know, we did that because we had to go in vitro, too. And we ended up getting three embryos, but we only used one, so we've still got two in the freezer.

And shockingly enough, I have the most in common with those kids. Isn't that weird? I imagine those kids are like those dinosaur embryos that Newman left in the mud in the first Jurassic Park. They're hidden somewhere, and they're gonna come emerging out after

the Dubrow's are firebombed. They're like, okay, we got rid of them. They're gonna be injecting that shit into Heather's face within a year. I know. Although her like, okay, we got rid of them. They're going to be injecting that shit into Heather's face within a year. Although her kids are actually, I think, very cute. I know. The nanny's doing a great job with those kids. Actually, I love Terry. Even though he can be an asshole,

I love Terry. I love the kids. I just think that Heather needs an attitude adjustment. Heather needs eyes that'll close. Did I lose you? Did I lose you with my shocking statement that i think i was actually i was staring outside because my landlady's is watering the garden and it's about to rain i don't know i just feel like i don't know i don't know when i became water police i still sometimes pee with the water on but i am getting kind of like that

like when i see a broken sprinkler i'm like you know that we have nothing to drink but cancer left right you know it's like all chemical cancer water stop it yeah so anyway the oc they don't have these trouble speaking of cancer speaking of cancer you know what's next are you still watching the are you still watching your landlady yes because now i'm like does she hear me oh my god you know i've been watching an old lady watering flowers this time too and i have not taken my attention away from the podcast while watching her um when vicky is getting brooks ready and brooks storyline is that he has almost cancer because that's the new bravo thing right well he has real cancer except that nobody has really seen any kind of diagnosis,

as we find out later. He's been doing chemo, but still has his hair. Yeah, he's like, Vic, I want to tell you this much. I've eaten a lot of red M&Ms, Vic, and it's official. Stage three. Oh my god! Oh jeez. And so she's trying to cure his cancer

by not letting him eat white bread. Oh, you know, cancer loves white bread, Brooks. Well, that explains a lot. Because that's like the whitest bread that's ever walked the earth, Brooks. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I don't know rhyme with blue, but I sure love your hair, Vicky. She's like, oh, Brooks.

So romantic. Brooks. Oh, God. I don't know. I mean, who am I to say that he doesn't have cancer? But I kind of agree with Brianna. I mean, he

looks exactly the same. I mean, of course, if you saw Daisy on Blood, Sweat, and Heels, you would think that she didn't have cancer. But the difference is that on Blood, Sweat, and Heels... No, she looks exhausted. Are you kidding? But I'm talking about just physically. She's exhausted and struggling to get upstairs and wearing wigs. No, no.

Because of that. Brooks is just like, what time are we going to Andalay? I was going to say, that was the only thing. His behavior. I mean, her behavior, definitely. She looks like she's suffering. But, like, she's not like she did. She doesn't look skinnier or anything like that.

But, yeah, it's weird that he still has all his hair. And he's like, well, you know, it's just one of the sides one of the side effects his hair loss but doesn't happen to everyone he's like but i do have like five days of vomiting well i'm like well thank god it didn't seem to affect your weight at all you know throwing up for five days straight but you're still pretty sturdy as a man it's cold to not believe that he has cancer but i don't believe it i know because he got like famous cancer he can't just get cancer he has cancer, but I don't believe it. Especially because he got famous cancer. He can't just get cancer. He has to have Hodgkin's. You know, it's like, just get regular cancer, okay? Stop name-dropping.

He's like, I got the bad cancer, and I get chemo once a month, and for my treatment, they give me something called syrup of Ipecac, and what happens is that I vomit for five days. That's what happens when you take your cancer medication, your Ipecac cancer medication. So I vomit

afterwards. So therefore, I then have cancer. Vicky's like, don't forget to pack the carrots, because we're going to need those in Mexico. They don't have that in Adelaide. I mean, they're drowned in vinegar. Who needs that? He's like, I gotta take...

He's like, gotta take he's like oh never mind and then vicky has her whole oh you know i lived alone for a while because brianna left me and then you know everyone's left me and i don't want to grow old alone it's stupid it's stupid being alone you know eating alone watching tv alone it's it's dumb i hate it i hate it you know i'm glad i bought bro Brooks those teeth because we're going to take a bite out of cancer. We're not going to swallow, though, because I don't want to get cancer. I mean, that's horrible, right? Especially the kind you don't lose weight. I mean, what's the point of cancer, right?

If I didn't have Brooks, who would I look at the Caliente sign with? I can't do Vicky for some reason. I can't either. I just do random. My accents are so fucked. After Melrose, I'm not Melrose, Melbourne. After Melbourne, my accents are so fucked up. I can't even do Lisa Vanderpump

during Chef Penny anymore. I'm like, Chef Penny, bring out the tuna tartare. I'm like, what is wrong with me? I can't even do a Midwest- Chef Penny, I'm freaking out, bitches. Bring me a plate of freaking out bitch, please. With the side of tartare bitch. Bring me out some salmon tartar.

Bring me out some salmon mousse, otherwise I'm going to freak out. Get me some poppy seed dressing on this right now. I'm going to freak out. Oh, pediflore. I just think it's funny that they're going to Mexico with cancer. You know, cancer is not going to stop us. You know,ale is still has free chips after six and you know you know as long as I can get my ex-lax

that's also important for my cancer medication it gives me diarrhea though every time I get that ex-lax treatment I get nothing but diarrhea but just shows the cancer treatments working but poor Brooks if he does have cancer I'm so sorry not buying it so so far we've talked about firebombing the Dubros and mocked Brooks for having cancer. Yeah, we're doing great. Doing great. These shows are killing us. That's what's doing it.

You know, I was a nice person when I started this. Just kidding. I was way worse. Sorry. Sorry, people. Actually, I'm nicer as a person now because I get it all out on this show. In real life, I'm like, can I help you across the street, old lady? Before I'd be like, old people, just die.

Put them down. And now I'm okay because I get to come on here and call people to C-word. Yeah, it's true. I actually do feel like I make a bigger effort to be nicer in real life because I feel like I'm getting nastier on this show. I'm like, I got to balance that. I'm like, oh, I just talked about firebombing these adorable little children who have done nothing wrong except be born to parents who want to be on TV have to do something nice

for the world speaking of people not doing anything nice for the world ever Megan we're back to Megan so Megan is endearing the audience even more to her tiny little brick heart by opening her next segment with

we have literally moved like six times in the past six months. First we moved from the St. Louis mansion to a St. Louis condo mansion and then we moved from the condo mansion to the Palm Spring Desert mansion and then we moved from the desert mansion to the Palm Springs Desert Hotel condo mansion that we own

and then we moved to this mansion and then it's like everything she said mansion like we just kept moving to mansion to mansion i feel like i feel like they need to queue up the jefferson's theme song but like redo the lyrics like well moving on sideways moving on sideways to a condo next door to a deluxe mansion in the Midwest. And then she adds that, you know, she's not just some gold digger. I mean,

she was very successful before she met this guy. Okay, you guys? She was selling like pancake mix or some shit. She was like, she was like handing out boxycharm codes on Twitter

or some shit. Like this bitch, please. She's like, she's like, I sell Krusty's in bulk. And if you would like to order some for your diner, please see me. By the way, Krusty's kicks the shit out of

Bisquick. I also like that Megan has an assistant for all her hard work. It's like, what on earth does Megan need an assistant for? Mansion to mansion to mansion. It's probably an intern, because that girl looks 20. Megan is closer, as she says, closer to age with her stepdaughter,

who was just laughing as the husband kept dissing her over and over. Loved it. Well, Jim, he's really like an asshole. I mean, if you ever wanted to know what Shane Keough would grow up to be, it's going to be Jim Edmonds, who's like, do you want me to answer the question you asked me or what? Like, what, babe? What?

And then she starts talking and she's like, are you listening to me? He me he's like yeah i can multitask unlike other people here i'm like god this guy if there's anything that's gonna make me like megan it's gonna be how much i dislike jim edmunds already hey listen and i have not feel bad for a woman who marries a man for his money some old man for his money and then gets upset when he's mean to her that's what they do okay he's not buying you to be nice to you it's like buying you know that poor guy i feel sorry for him it's like spending a lot of money on a cow and then spending all this money on cooks to prepare that cow for you and then at dinner your fucking burger starts complaining at you you know he's probably like

shut up cow i paid for you be quiet let me you. And then she has to rationalize it by saying, you know, Jim just really knows my soul. Like, he just gets my soul. And I'm like, well, what is your soul? I'm imagining her soul is like a ball of lint. You know, like, that's all it is. Although I have to say, I am not actually, as much as we are hating on Megan, the jury's still out for me. Because I feel like she could be one of those

ice cold awesome bitches. But right now she's a not good bitch. I'm a judge who doesn't just let that jury take a week. You know, people have to get back to work. That jury's not going to be sitting there deciding someone's fate for a week. This jury comes in every day and gives a verdict every day.

You may get 30 by the end of the season but this jury's in and she's a bitch well right she is a bitch to watch her be destroyed by this marriage because she deserves it she will be i'm just looking forward to seeing how she interacts with vicky shannon and heather and depending on how she interacts with them will determine how much i like or dislike her but um you know because i i am very optimistic well actually we saw her interact with heather so i don't like that but i am optimistic that she'll be hilarious with Shannon and Vicky. You know that Shannon and Vicky are going to hate her.

Hate her. Hate her. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, she tells them both off in the beginning of the thing of the coming this season on the Real Housewives of Orange County. They do that whole thing where Shannon's like, excuse me, Miss 30-year-old, not inviting me to your tea party. And then she calls Vicky a bitter old hag. I love Shannon's big insult.

It's like, excuse me, Miss 30-year-old. Ooh, burn. It's like success shaming somebody. Ooh, Miss 30-year-old. It's like the stupid Kathy Hilton's, oh, Lisa Rinna needs to eat something. It's like, ooh, burn. Yeah, you sure got her, fatty.

Get out of here. But it's like she's burning her on something that's factual. It's not even like, excuse me, Miss America. She's just like, excuse me, Miss 30-year-old. Excuse me, Miss born-a-woman. It's like, okay. Excuse me, Miss Miss Born A Woman? It's like, okay. Excuse me, Miss Oxygen Breather. Hello, Miss Put On Mascara Today.

David, have you seen this girl? Oh my god. Don't look, David. Don't look. David, David, where are you going? David, come back. Come back, David. David, is that your mistress arriving in a helicopter? David? David, your mistress David, you want to leave in a helicopter, don't you? David, be honest

David So then we see a scene of her family dinner With the teenager who just makes smart I'm sorry I have to interrupt No no no I have to interrupt I just realized something This is going back in time a little bit Do you just realize that there was a whole sequence

With um Heather in the beginning of the episode showing off This gigantic shaft where a huge chandelier is going to be? She is so competitive. I guarantee that's going to come back, you know, because what's her face? Shannon is the one with the chandelier. And I just realized all of last season was Shannon saying that Heather was trying to one-up her. And now Heather is installing a giant chandelier. Oh, my God.

I'm excited. You know there's gonna be a secret room in there it's just gonna be like this is where my frozen embryos sleep i come in and sing to them every night while cuz i cry as alone in her room and you know there's gonna be like a secret basketball court too it's like well we saw you had a basketball court so we put in a basketball court and a volleyball court and an indoor football stadium. Like, what's that? Extreme football? Yeah, indoor. Extreme football.

Just so there will be enough broken faces to keep us in this house for years to come. Oh, God, I'm excited for that. I'm sorry. So go on. Continue. Nothing. I was just going to say dinner with family and this Megan girl. I love that they kept doing this. He knows my soul and he really understands me. Intercut with him being like shut up you stupid whore and then they go to dinner and the daughter's like

Megan says it's so nice to be out having dinner with my family and the daughter goes that's not your term I just love teenagers I love it and he was such an asshole in the traffic he was like oh it's backed up from here to there and she's like well I'm in the same traffic as you.

I'm like, oh, my God. This is a family that could drive off a cliff. Well, he at least got romantic with her because she said, I'm in the same traffic as you. I'm just trying to look at the silver lining. And then he used a quote from their vows that they wrote for each other when they got married. And he said, there's no silver lining. And I just I got a little tear in my eye. And that was romantic.

It was beautiful. Yeah, yeah. So then we go to, then we go back to another waiter scene. Hey, I wonder what this waiter's thinking. The waiter's like, hey, have you guys been there before? And they're like, gee, I don't know. What are we going to order? And then they thought about what they're going to order.

And then we found out that Megan is going to order some steak and doesn't like wearing his wedding ring. And then Megan says, we're redefining what family means. I was like, no. Like, Caitlyn Jenner is redefining what family means. You're some young whore marrying for money, okay? That's not redefining anything. Three.

Number three. Number three, he doesn't even care enough to wear his wedding band around you. He loses it and it's like the same as if he lost a receipt. He's like, I didn't even bother looking for it. Yeah, I wish I was really friends with her in real life so her nickname could be The Third. I know. I know. Be like, what's up, The Third?

Okay, Hubs can't find a wedding ring. We're redefining what family means. Yeah, you're a real little girl singing about keychains on the Tonys, honey. Get out of here. So anyway, then we go to Shannon and David. Shannon, David. Shannon, David.

They're packing up to go to a couple's retreat, but before they do that, Shannon's like, David, David, I want to cleanse the Feng Shui relationship crystals. David, David. David, I'm very serious about this relationship. I want to re-hang those crystals right in the corner in between the gaudiest curtain

rods Ross dressed for less hat. David. David, if you loved me, you would touch my gallbladder the way Dr. Moon does. David. David. David, this crystal is supposed to entice you to touch my prostate. Feeling anything? David. David. Where are you going, David?

David? I hear the garage door opening. David, do not lower the chandelier, David. As if that's like his big getaway move, he lowers the chandelier very slowly so that way she can't get to him. He's like, phew, got away. David riding the chandelier again. That's why it's always broken.

Change a light bulb while you're up there. Are you too stupid? I just don't understand why David doesn't love me. David, I lit an anti-affair candle. Why are you still having an affair, David? Now, you know

I loves me some Shannon Bidor. I really do love her. I love that someone can make a season long fight about a chair stealing like a sizzler. Love it. I love that someone can make a season-long fight about a chair stealing like a sizzler. Love it. I'm never going to not like Shannon. But this fake Shannon, woe is me bullshit, like Shannon just sits there

innocently and never does anything in that marriage. No wonder he cheated! And not only did he cheat! Okay, I can't even say that. I'll go there later. I don't think it's fake woes me i think she actually well it's it's i think it's real wasn't even crying i mean part of it she was actually crying but part of it was like and first of all what are you putting this

on tv for like i don't know last year we you know we were so happy and i mean look at my hair look at it just last look at the clips from last year. Look at my hair. Look how wispy it was. I had side bangs in my face, and then it just all fell apart. I had two hair chandeliers on each side of my head. They were low, and they went up and down very easily. David.

Well, I mean, just to jump ahead just a little bit. I mean, it is where Shannon's bullshit comes from is when she's talking to us about the affair. And I feel like she's being very candid. And what I like about Shannon is I actually do think she's real. I don't think her woe is me is bullshit. That's Tamara's job to do the bullshit woe is me. And that's kind of why she's entertaining in a fucked up way. Well, I believe she's really hurt.

But I think that like where Shannon's bullshit comes in a little bit is when she cries about this affair this mistress which obviously she should cry about and she cries about the devastation on her family which is totally legit and she talks about how sad she was when her kids found out i'm like this is where it comes a little bit of bullshit uh because okay of course it's terrible that the kids found out but now here you are on national tv airing it out even more so i mean you have like you can't you can't you sort of lose some some sympathy from me a little bit i mean you always have sympathy for me shannon because i love you you are like a wonderful flower i just want to grow in my body no one wants to get cheated on or be in a miserable marriage but she's just kind of ridiculous and she uses this stuff a little bit too much. I mean, every time they went to Shannon,

she was like, oh, well, and then we were happy. And then David, you know, like a little cockroach on the ground, he crushed it. And I'm that, the white beads that come out of the cockroach just lying there on the floor. No one's cleaning me up. My kitchen's filthy. I mean, David, David.

I just love seeing her in her fragile state. She just has this look. Her head is sort of pushed back. She gets a little double chin and whatever, and she sort of stares blankly. She has a little frowny thing where she presses her lips together. I just like this fragile thing. You know what that look is? I'm just thinking of it now

as you're describing her look. I finally realized what is so delicious this is so horrible to say, but what is so horribly delicious about Shannon's emotions. This is so horrible to say. But what is so horribly delicious about Shannon's emotions. Shannon is one of those people who really loves misery. Like you can just tell.

Like something bad happened and she is just so excited to get to talk about it on TV, to get to talk about it with her friends. It's all she talked about last year. And if that relationship isn't miserable, she will make it miserable so that she can talk about something she just loves the misery

and you know you gotta have a hobby I'm with you girl she's like I just saw the feel good musical of the year it's called Les Miserables she's like have you ever seen Shedless List? anything that opens with a gang rape of a young whore I mean I'm in I'm in imagine how she felt David David poor Shannon her biggest problem is that she can't get out of her own way I'm in. I'm in. Imagine how she felt. David. David. But here's the other. Poor Shannon.

Her biggest problem is that she can't get out of her own way. You know, as they're driving to this couple's retreat, she's talking to David, and she's like, I just hope this really fixes everything. And she's like, I love you. And he's like, I love you too. And she goes, I hope so. I'm like, Shannon, that's not how you

bridge the gap. You don't throw in a barb like that and then make him feel shitty. know her husband is terrified that she's gonna have an emotional breakdown at every moment and david taught david david david david talks in questions because he's just terrified his eyes are wide open he's always red like he's about to start sweating and like his eyes are darting around like he's looking for the nearest exit and she says things like uh david are you gonna take that suitcase to the to the car and he's like yes i will like he's always questioning will i what am i gonna do you tell me shannon you tell me i just don't want to hurt you i don't want to hurt you can you is there any room in there for the chandelier can we bring it to the retreat or no okay no okay if you love me i thought

you were controlled out i don't want anybody moving this up and down without me here david Can we bring it to the retreat? Or no? Okay, no. Okay, David. If you love me, I thought you would have found a way. Bring the remote controls out. Bring the remote controls. I don't want anybody moving this up and down without me here, David. You know, Heather has a train to buy a chandelier. I saw her at the chandelier store. This whole thing where they're on their way to a couple therapy retreat, and she's like, well, we've tried everything because it's just gotten so bad. I mean, we spoke to a pastor, and I thought, oh, geez, what are the pastors in Orange County going to say? God.

They're going to be like, go get some new tips. It's like, what are they going to tell you? Who goes with a pastor? God wants you to have tips. God wants you to have tips, but first you've got to pay me $500. Thank you.

Come again. Hey, before you go, let me leave you with this. Hashtag, at least he's not a faggot. Okay, get out. Get out of you with this. Hashtag, at least he's not a faggot. Okay, get out. Get out of here, kids. So, meanwhile, so they arrive at their couple's retreat. And it was, like, the most depressing thing of all time.

I think it was being held in the presidential suite of the airport Holiday Inn. It was. And the most depressing thing is they're walking up. They've got this horrible marriage. Obviously, the sex isn't good because he's getting it elsewhere. And what's right behind the ticket agents? Like, what's the artwork on the wall? A giant trumpet.

It's like, why do you need to, like, say blow, poor thing? Like, if she blew enough, she wouldn't be in this mess. It's like, take the advice of the artwork, darling, and save yourself some time. Go in the hotel room, blow, this whole thing, or blow over. Go on. Get up there. So then the bombshell news. I mean, we always suspected that David must be having an affair or something.

And then it finally actually came out. It was confirmed. It came out in this retreat that David had an affair at some point. And then Shannon starts talking about how she discovered it. She heard some whispering. Say, I've got it. Who are you whispering to? Are you whispering to my crystal?

And then she starts snooping around. At one point, she got his briefcase and she found all his hotel receipts. In which case, I'm thinking, why are you keeping hotel receipts? And why are they in your briefcase? What are you thinking? Did you want to get caught? That is the most ridiculous thing. Paperless era.

Paperless. Because it's really difficult to tell your wife you're having an affair in question form. There's just no proper way to do it. Was he going to write it off? Was he going to write it off on his taxes? I mean, why is he keeping those receipts? It was business because part of my life is

part of my profession is being married to a really rich lady and if I lose her, then I lose a lot of my money. So it's business. Yeah. So he just, he's just an idiot. You know,

men are dumb. They really, they really are. That's the answer. Did you catch the part when they, first of all, these therapy sessions, it's not,

group therapy is never good because it's hard enough dealing with their own problems, but having to listen to homely couples next to you, I do not want to listen to that bitch's problem. I'm sorry. I loved it. To me, this was like a return to starting over. I was like, where is Iyanla Van Zandt? This is like straight up

Iyanla Van Zandt, Bill. All they needed was a mannequin version of Shannon to put her on trial with Della Reese as the judge. Okay, because by the way, that happened on an episode of Starting Over when Della Reese was a judge presiding over that fat woman jill jill was on jill was on trial for her life and she was being prosecuted by a mannequin version of herself oh my god it was brilliant and that's what this show needs that's where shannon needs

to go she needs to go to like like her self-court did you catch when they were talking about well when they were in the middle of this therapy one of the things they did they're like okay everybody we got you giant poster boards and you're gonna write down all of your problems and i mean these things were huge it was like another science fair project and um they were writing down their problems when people are making little charts and shannon's like um you know lemon bowl uh dirty crystal a daughter clock back uh spots on the kitchen counter a fair she writes in like gigantic caps mother who doesn't love me chandelier this is a affair in caps and then under David

and then they cut to David who they had to talk to different couples about their own problems and so David was talking to this couple and he said something and I didn't write down the quote but he said something like yeah I was having an affair and it was actually an amazing time in my life

he's like I never felt he's like I did catch that He's like, I never felt... I did catch that. He's like, yeah, this is when I had my affair. This is really when I actually... It was probably the best I've ever felt in my life. I felt just so much life in me. And then it was ruined by the devastation it caused on my family.

I mean, that shit was like ombre you know it was like really dark at the bottom and really light at the top it was really great and then I got dipped he's like I got cheated on in high school once and then I had a great time in my 20s and then

I fell into this awful marriage and then there was hope when I had this affair and it was ruined when my wife made me feel bad about it. So, the end. And then I went to Andalas with Vicki Gunvalson once. Oh, getting caught. Yeah. Oh, is the biggest problem.

That guy's such an idiot. And I loved it, because you know they were sitting at home last night. And you know Shannon caught that. Oh, yeah. David. David. David, why did you stay there? That was the best time of your life. What?

What about our wedding? What about the time we went to Paris? We never went to Paris. But you said you would take us there. David, why didn't we ever go to Paris? The kids went there. Why'd you go without me? Well, it was a school trip. Well, you still could have brought me. David, do you not love me? It was very declassé to ride young, tight vagina on your poster board, David. Why was that a happy moment?

Your manners are terrible, David. I mean, it's like you weren't raised by rich people. Oh, David, you're so embarrassing. Let's go hang out outside the Walmart. I'll come pick you up when we're done with lunch, David. David, I feel very disconnected from you. I feel most disconnected when I'm in the foyer and I see you up at the top of the staircase with a mask on over the chandelier.

David, don't drop it on me. So then we get to see Heather trying to count her bathrooms. Still hate her. Yeah. She's like, whoa, look at me. I'm like crazy Heather Dubrow and totally relatable. Look at all my 14 bathrooms. Ha ha ha ha ha. How many bathrooms are there

again? Yeah, because the assistant needs her own. The interns need their own. I want an outside thing for the gardeners because honestly, their pee kills the trees. You would think they know that. I mean, I don't know. Put something outside. Out of here.

Hate her. Shut up. So then we went to a baby shower for Tamara's future granddaughter. And she's like, it's a shabby chic baby shower. I'm like, just let me know when the chic part arrives.

Okay, thanks. Tamara, you know cunt's not doing very well. Because Tamara's like, I love this new daughter-in-law. And I just, I really, she's from the country.

Like, she's really country. So I wanted to do something that would make her feel at home. And so, well, I wanted to do it in the make her feel at home and so well i wanted to do it in the back seat because that's where she probably conceived her children but i i thought that maybe instead we should just do a redneck party a redneck baby shower it's like could you spend any less money like you know it's paper plate she's like okay on the menu tonight are

your own fingernails welcome to the depression party yeah this is camera make an effort oh my god she's like we filled the spin studio up with bales of hay and got some red solo cups it was quote-unquote shabby chic aka it's all our budget could afford of course by other words it's as much as i could afford to by the way i want everyone to know i know i cast stones in a glass house i know um no but that looked like I understand shabby country whatever and as much as we shit on Heather Dubrow and Terry they did it right last year

when they had their country rodeo thing this was like they literally found some rec room somewhere and just filled it up with shit and then Calamity Jane walked in and was like here's my gun and I mean this was really a little white trash baby shower.

And then she's like, none of my friends are here. I'm like, well, it's not your party. It's your... You don't fucking have friends, okay? These are your Twitter people, darling. I know, but thank God, you know what, because then we got Lynn Curtin. Oh, I love me a Lynn Curtin cameo. Yeah, Lynn Curtin was like, I heard there was

some free mac and cheese here. She's like, my porn star daughter had a baby, so I'm just going to wheel it around a little bit. Yeah, that was pretty funny. Actually, the best part of it was that we learned that Vicky accidentally posted a nude photo of herself on Instagram, which I did not know about. That was funny. Oh, you didn't know? It's on our Facebook page. That shit's hilarious. She's like, look at my beads.

Look, back in the day, we used to put our ear up to the door to hear my dad's record playing, and now look at these headphones. I mean, it cost as much as his first house. It cost more than the door. And then it's like Vicky naked in the reflection. That's like there once was a tight end on

the Washington Redskins Who took a picture of his playbook Like up late studying my playbook And he didn't He sort of like didn't realize That he was He was sitting there naked And you could totally see his penis

It was great Things that are $100 Vicky's boobs and beets All in one picture It was like the $100 rack Yeah Two things you don't want on your ears necessarily. Don't want your damage.

Oh. So Vicky Instagrammed her tit. Yeah, and she's like, I love how Lynn's like, can you believe that, her tit on Instagram? I mean, my kids get pictures taken of their tits, but they're called auditions, okay? She's not just giving that shit away for free on the internet. Gross. Get out of here.

So I think that's it for Orange County, right? Vicky, yeah, I think that's all I had. I just wrote, I love the therapy session ending because basically it ended with the therapist saying, okay, here are pictures of your mother. Now tell her everything that she didn't do for you as a child. And I was like, that's real therapy right there. When they're just like, listen, none of this is your mother. Now tell her everything that she didn't do for you as a child.

And I was like, that's real therapy right there. When they're just like, listen, none of this is your fault. It's all your mother's fault. I'm like, I'm in. Let's do it. Let's do this. The picture that they showed of Shannon and David on their wedding and the mom blurred out was actually the most perfect picture because you have on the left side of the picture, you have David standing there, handsome in his tux, looking like he's having a great time.

Then you have a mom right in the middle face blurred out and then you have Shannon like craning into the photo trying to be part of it with a big smile on her face like this is fun I'm having fun I'm part of the fun it's like no no this is not a picture of you you've put yourself in this picture Shannon

I'm having fun now David this is our wedding day why aren't you dancing with me why aren't you dancing with David it's very poetic oh god I love this show I'm having fun now, David. This is our wedding day. Why aren't you dancing with me? Why aren't you dancing with David? David. It was very poetic. Oh, God. I love this show. So glad this show is back.

Welcome back, Real Housewives of OC. I have to say, say what you will about Megan, but already I feel like she's going to be a big upgrade over Lizzie. Lizzie showed some promise last season in the beginning, and then she just sort of faded away. I can't watch a poor person try and badly sketch a bikini and then call it art. I can't do that. I just can't do it.

What happened to Lizzie? I thought she was going to still be on this season. She's a friend of it. It looks like she's on next week. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list

on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for Black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Oh, God. Well, at least we'll get to see no one go to her birthday party another year in a row.

Can they please have that every year? Just Lindsay. What's her name? Lizzie. I know her name. Lizzie. Lizzie just sitting in one of the Shaw's rented party buses with all the lights on and all this cheap champagne

and nobody to help her drink it. I can't believe no one came to Mixology. No one's at the soup plantation. I hope they know that it closes at four. Okay, so let's go on to Marriage and Medicine. So my first thought as this season started up was that, wow, they are trying to cram so much public domain music down our throats. The first two minutes was like, Oh, she's waking up. She's doing it.

I'm getting my life, my life, getting my life. And I was like, it was like three different songs for each woman. A lot of public domain generic pop music. If you don't use more than 30 seconds, it's free. Yeah. So we saw like the usual montage of people like at work or buying things whatever like lisa nicole being like no hangers facing the wrong way whatever and then no more wire hangers

those are not wire hangers first of all dumb ass they're like these huge plastic she was saying she was saying she didn't want any hangers facing the wrong direction oh that was not mommy dearest issue no she was saying i feel like i'm in mommy dearest then she did an example of mommy dearest and then she said what her real issue was you have to pay attention it's a very complex show yeah yeah i can see that the biggest the biggest complexity was why are they opening with her it's like the other one with heather why are you opening with lisa nicole everybody's like we'll just show you the good things way later. I can't even believe that Lisa Nicole is back.

She was so boring last season. They got rid of Mariah and they kept Lisa Nicole. Nothing makes any sense. She won't be boring this year. No, she won't. She got the memo. So actually, where they really truly began, after the little montage was over, was we started with Toya. She's like, oh, so Eugene and I moved into a

new house and the biggest problem is my house is too damn big. I'm like, you fucking stupid lady. You spent all last season telling people the house would not be too big, that you needed the house, that you were looking forward to it, and now she's like, oh, it's too big.

My house is so big. I can't even take this house, y'all. Look how big it is. I'm gonna have a Halloween party in this big house so everybody can see how big it is. It's so big. I can't even take this house, y'all. Look how big it is. I'm going to have a Halloween party in this big house so everybody can see how big it is. It's so big, y'all. What I should have did was I should have built a wall in the middle of it. And then it would be like two houses, one for me and one for Eugene. And then if we wanted, if we had... Then what I should have did is if we had, like, a friend come over or, like, the drug kazaar, he could take one half, I could take the other.

That's what I should have did. The drug Kazar. I forgot about just how stupid Toya was. I know, last night. This was amazing. Literally last night, I was like, okay, Maritime Medicine's back.

I have to remember where all the Toya-isms are. I was like, okay, I know I should have did. I should have did. It's the thing she always says now. And then she had something that she said wrong.

Oh, that's right. She said drug, she said Kazar instead of Zar. I was like, there was one more thing. And she said wrong. Oh, that's right. She said drug. She said Kazar instead of Zar. I was like, there was one more thing. And I was like, oh, that's right. What I should have did is that when I have came here, I should have did this. Have came. And then she gave us a perfect one right in the beginning.

She's like, Eugene, let's throw a party. It's a haunted Halloween house. And we're going to have people come and ambulance. Yeah. Where's the ambulance going to be? Eugene, where's the ambulance? Where's the ambulance? Where's the ambulance going to park?

It's like you know I run a company about ambulances, right? It features ambulances picking people up at home. Why the hell can you still not pronounce ambulance? What I should have done is have a haunted ambulance. And then people have to get an ambulance and they're like, oh, it's spooky. Stupid, stupid. I love it. And she's like, I'm going to throw a big party to show off this house to everybody.

Everybody got to be so jealous. They're going to have to be taken home in an ambulance. And he's like, listen, I don't want to have a party. But we do it every year. He's like, for five-year-olds, we do not have a big party for you to rub shit into other people. She's like, I'm not going to rub shit in. And he said, you just said you're going to rub shit in.

I didn't mean it. I was just kidding. No, I'm just going to rub the ambulance into people. What I should have did is say, everyone look at our ambulance, because I bet no one else drives an ambulance just recreationally. Bet you about to be living in that ambulance in that rental. Give me a break. She cannot afford that.

Poor Eugene is about to lose it. Eugene is going to have to skip a meal. I mean, those people, he cannot afford that. He's like, listen, we're catering this with Rudy's BBQ. That's it. Somewhere in Atlanta, Dr. Jackie just got all wet down there because you said someone's got to skip a meal. She's like, ooh, not eating. Oh, yeah.

The first scene they show of Dr. Jackie is being a doctor. She's like, your baby's coming soon, but we have more important things to discuss. And the lady's like, please don't talk about my weight. She's your fat ass let's talk about that shall we honey and people are already freaking out on jackie for being um a fat shamer because that was kind of her storyline last year and you know what you got to give her credit she's not coming back and getting baptized and like d-cups to get attention she's upping the ante she's doubling down she's like baptized and like D cups to get attention. She's upping the ante. She's doubling down. She's like, don't be fat.

Shameful. Be exercise proud. It's not losing weight. It's about gaining discipline. Like, okay, Felicia Rashad. I love it. Keep it up. Yeah.

Therefore, it was no surprise that she dresses a skeleton to the Halloween party, I should add. She's like, I'm not going to fat shame you, but I want to make sure that while everyone's in their slutty costumes, I'm going to look extra skinny. I wanted to show up as Toya's goal weight. So here I am. Toya's even a fatter skeleton than me because Toya was wearing the same outfit. What I should have did was be a bit like two skeletons. That way I'd outnumber her.

She had a skeleton painted on half of her face. And Jackie was like, well, congratulations on at least losing weight on half of your face. I can finally see a cheekbone. Well done. So what else happened in this beginning? They didn't just all show up,

right? We had this flashback. I forgot how bad it got between Simone and what I should have did last year. I forgot that also. Basically, my notes don't really kick in until the Halloween party starts, but it was basically a lot of Simone

being like, I can hang with heavenly now. I like heavenly. And heaven is like, Oh, I like Simone. Yeah. Heavenly is that.

Let's pick the kids up from school. Hey kids, I love your kids. You kids so cute. What'd you do today, Alana? And Alana's like, uh,

put myself up for adoption and wish to get 5,000 miles away from your stupid, still fat ass. And she's like, Alana, that mean? What do you mean to me? I have my family, Alana. Yeah. Heavenly, I'm actually really enjoying Heavenly so far. And by the way, Alana and Simone's son, Michael, are so cute. They're so cute.

And they're such little smartasses just like their moms. Yeah, they're great, great little kids. And I love Simone. But you know what, though? I think Simone should – I think she needs to, like, cool it a little bit. She's like – I'm like, you're a doctor. You're a professional. It was one thing last season when you were going off. Like, you need to get it together, lady.

I mean, how could you let someone like Toya get under your skin? I agree, kind of. But you have to admit, the first season, she was nice, right? Yeah. The second season, her practice made no money. But she was a bitch, and now she's rich. So I think that there's a little formula there. Yeah, I know.

That's how she stays on the show. She does her job and keep those people spreading their legs so their baby will see a reality star the first thing they pop out you know yeah well i think i think also what happened before this party there was uh we also had a lot of lisa nicole where she was she was talking about how she hired a private investigator to get or she got a she didn't even do that she just got a background check on um on quad and it caused the relationship to go sour yes and she's saying she got this uh background check because quad was asking everybody for money and she was going to go into business with quad and she gets background checks on all of her employees which sounds kind of fishy it sounds fishy it sounds, but it also doesn't sound totally unreasonable.

Right. And the husband is what really makes it fishy, because or you know it's fishy, because the husband's like, I really don't want to talk about this. Why are we talking about this? And she's like, But you should have seen all the dirt I pulled up on her. I pulled up so much dirt. I pulled up books of dirt.

That's why she and mariah don't fight with each other because they have dirt on each other and i have it now it's all in a book a little book that i would never use against anybody but i've got it i've got it right here right in a book and he's like i'm leaving she's like good go cheat again because apparently her husband's been cheating a lot i didn't i didn't realize that i think i think i missed like the second half of the marriage medicine reunion from last last season because i didn't remember anything about him cheating yeah they brought up some stuff how he cheated in the beginning of the relationship and she's like the most important thing is that you talk about it together you talk about the cheating and then you forgive

and then he's cheated like 10 more times. Lisa Nicole definitely is trying to work harder for her spot. She's definitely bringing a lot more personality. Although I still think she's boring as hell. Yeah, well so far, but I'm loving this stuff. She pulled stuff up on Quad. Oh my god. And then

Quad, still a mess. Then we get Quad going into some fashion shoot, aren't they? I'm going to a fashion shoot because that's where they shoot fashion. That's right. I still a mess. Then we get Quad going into some fashion shoot, hunting. I'm going to a fashion shoot because that's where they shoot fashion. That's right. I'm a shooter. Absolutely not. Here we go with shit that doesn't make any kind of sense with Quad. Like just saying random things that she says with a sassy tone that make no sense.

It's like putting a crocodile on a tea kettle baby look at all y'all standing around here waiting for my dog to put on its beautiful clothes it's like he's going to the oscars i should name him oscar because he's gonna win an oscar like you know that you're talking about like hot dogs a muppet name and an award for movies all at the same time right you make no sense yeah she's like oh honey put that phone back in that in that baseball cap because this thing is going major league what what why not oh wait one thing i wanted to say about this lisa cheating thing i forgot to mention it i thought it was really weird first of all how she's talking about multiple um

cheating right she's like uh he's fallen off the wagon 37 times yeah or whatever and uh then she says you know through this marriage we've been through world war one and back and i thought that that was interesting that she would say world war one yeah why was it world war one has he not fucked fucked a Jewish person yet? What is her point? Why would you specify that war? She's like, it's been a war of attrition. She's like, someone from Serbia died. It's also a mixed metaphor. It's supposed to be you go to hell and back. You don't go to war and back.

This is me being a blogger now. Excuse me, you misspoke your metaphor. You go to hell and back and it's like World War 3 not World War 1 and back. What I want to know is why she is if her husband has been like cheating

on her so many times, what is she doing hosting a women empowerment seminar? Yeah. Stay with him. Sometimes power is keeping 50% of your income. The best power that you can have is earning

75 cents for every cheating man's dollar. That's real power. You don't feel powerful until there's a stain on his mistress's dress and you've designed it. Aww. Real power. It's bringing us closer.

Real power is knowing when you can put all the hangers in one direction and people listen to you. That's power. Oh, Lisa Nicole. The thing is, power is feeding non-cancer. Still first the almost cancer on Bravo. We'll always respect you for that, Lisa. Lisa N. Okay, so what

was next? Her husband leaves to fuck somebody. Oh, so then we're at Toria's house and she's surrounded by employees. And one of the girls comes in. She's like, look, we need real babysitters because your kid is walking around with scissors. And Toria's like, this is why I can't be friends with other ladies

because they judge me. I'm like, your kid is walking around with scissors. Toya's like, what do you mean scissors? You know, scissors, the things you cut paper with. She's like, oh, you mean skizzers. Yeah.

What I should have did is put all the skizzers in a different drawer. I can't have running around with skizzers. How did he even find those skizzers? Those drawers are so big. Everything here is so big. I couldn't even find them. Are they big scissors? We need bigger scissors.

Get a bigger scissors. Eugene, put some locks in the drawers. I don't want my friends to see a kid with little scissors. Get a big scissors. If I came here and there's skizzers everywhere, I would run around with them too. Get a big scissors. If I came here and there's scissors everywhere, I'd run around with them too. They're so big.

Eugene is over her ass. He's downstairs doing all the work while she's upstairs getting ready for 10 hours and says so. He's like, yep, here I am doing all the work while she does nothing. And he's putting this enter at your own risk sign up. You know, just keep it there

because you're going to need it during the eviction. You don't want fucking homeless people coming in and boarding that shit up and trying to get into a meth tent. Just keep the sign up. Enter at your own risk. Toria's like,

where's my risk? I have to enter at my risk. Where's my risk? Do I enter at the risk or enter at the home? Front door or the risk? Where do I enter? Stop talking about my risk.

You know I'm insecure about my hands. Now I'm Dorinda. I can't even do Toya. I'll just send Toya to you every time I have something to say. And I love how Toya was mad that people showed up not in zombie costumes. She's like, this is a Hollywood pot. I gotta dress the pot.

Meanwhile, we got to see Carrie. Carrie was dressed as a... She was dressed as a princess from Aladdin. Oh, my goodness. I'm surprised Carrie didn't freak out. She shows up as another race to a black party. Come on, Carrie. At least pick the right race.

She's like, well, at least it's not white. Duncan said I should dress like this. I'm surprised she didn't freak out at all the skeleton costumes. You know, with her track history, etc. She's like costumes you know you know with what with her track history etc she's like she's like you know this is a very serious halloween costumes are a very serious thing for me i've spent many years of my life trying to get over this and duncan's the only one who's able to help me with it toyah i like the scene where uh jackie and simone are with their husbands

driving on the way to the party and Simone has only been invited because the husbands are still friends and she's like okay fine I'll go and Jackie's like now now I want you to be respectable and kind when you go to this party let's role play and so they start

role playing and Jackie's like I'll be Toya hello Simone and Simone's like that'll be Toya hello Simone and Simone's like that bitch wouldn't say that she wouldn't talk like that yeah she was like shut the fuck up I'm like attitude adjustment attitude she's like I don't have

no fucking attitude I love it Jackie's like Simone what books have you been reading lately Jackie's like she would never say that. Come on now. I love when Simone starts yelling. So funny.

She said, oh, here we are at the rented house. I mean haunted house. Like, this bitch is coming to bat. This is insane. Yeah. Someone's going to get hurt. Someone's going to have to push her. Someone's going to leave this party in an ambulance. That's for sure.

An ambulance. Ambulance, ambulance. So what else happened here? So then I guess we can just skip to the, you know, there were a lot of catty comments here. Well, actually, what was funny was when Lisa Nicole and Quad first started, when Quad walks in,

she's like, hun, I'm gonna be a showgirl, because that's what I am. I'm putting on a show. I'm a girl. I'm putting on a showgirl. This ain't Vegas, honey. This is a teacup in the middle of a freeway. That is what this is, honey. And she walks in

and then she and Lisa Nicole have this very awkward moment where Lisa Nicole's like, hello, quad. How are you? And she's like, I am good, Lisa. How are you?

It's just so... I love that like... You look great. That's so great. That's the best reflection Lisa Nicole has ever put into her voice, ever. I know. Just to be rude. I know. It just cracked me up.

They were also being handed prescriptions as they entered. That's Toria's way to get everybody to get along. You walk in and some lady is sitting at a fold-out table in the foyer, the huge foyer, handing foyer handing people pieces of paper and they're like jackie hopefully today you won't be as much of a bitch as usual whoa nice prescriptions they told um simone that she's too aggressive and she needs to take a pill

for being too aggressive it's like oh, oh, Toya. I know. It was so passive-aggressive. I loved it. That was funny. What I should have did was that I gave them some recommendation for surgery, because some of these girls need to go under the knife. And then Toya walks up to them.

Hi, everybody. And they're like, oh, hello. And Simone says, it was so nice of your husband to invite me. And she said, Eugene didn't invite you. I did. She's like, no, your husband did. And she's like, no, I did. Did you get my massage?

She's like, no massage. Like, I did. I left it for you. Maybe you would take it to dad. But I was there. Went between your butt cheeks. She's like, like no you didn't stupid Toya

it just got lost and then Toya's like that is so immature I can't even talk like her she's like that was so immature that she said that I mean how old are you and then she like runs around spinning in circles in her gigantic house that she can't afford

yeah and then they all go off to eat how old are you? And then she like runs around spinning in circles in her gigantic house that she can't afford. Yeah. And then they all go off to eat like barbecue out of like a scarecrow. Hmm. Where are the vegetables? Where are the vegetables? It's like a ripped open

pear yellow shirt with some frozen sausage from Costco in there. Yeah, exactly. Like, well, this takes up three feet of the house. Now what else can we use?

And of course, Jackie starts lecturing it. She's like,. Like, well, this takes up three feet of the house. Now what else can we use? And of course, Jackie starts lecturing it. She's like, and that, sir, is why you're dead on the table. Because you didn't take it seriously. Look at all that sausage you've eaten. I don't see one vegetable in your stool.

Oh, gosh. I refuse to watch Empire because Gabriela Sidi Bay is on that show. That's not a good thing. It is contagious, and I don't need my TV getting fatter. It's already blocking part of the doorway. So she's out of control

with fat shaming. Love it. And so then I guess we get into this big fight, right? The girls start going outside, and Toya starts talking to you. Oh, yeah. You start. I can't read my notes. So really, I mean, there's some talk or whatever.

Quad is talking about how she starts explaining how things went wrong with her and Lisa Nicole. And then Toya is sort of being like, well, she said we'll have to work with you. And Quad's like, can I finish? May I say what I'm going to say? And then Lisa Nicole comes out and then the two start going at it and one of my favorite parts was when quad goes as a woman i will do a background check on you on you i'm like as a woman is this like this is is this supposed to be some feminist stance like no as a lady as a lady i will do hold my pen with a vagina and that is how a woman does it.

Because women were made from the sands of the earth. And sands of earth stand like mountaintops. Like, okay, Quad. Thanks for the speech. And then Quad. Go online. It's like $10. It's like, do you know how easy a background search is?

It's like the easiest thing you can order online. Yeah. And then Quad starts, like, laying out her latest insult. She's like, you're Sleepy Hollow. You are Sleepy Hollow. I'm like, Sleepy Hollow, girl. Let's not pretend you've read Sleepy Hollow. But what does that have to do with anything?

It's a pretty fun book. You are great expectations, huh? Rip Van Winkle. You are Sleepy hollow You are Flowers in the attic honey I guess because she's sleepy and hollow Which I mean both of those things are kind of true

But just don't fuck with literature while you're doing it It's just further proof that Quad can pretty much take any words Put them together and make them sound like either An insult or Like she's doing something amazing in the world yeah it's kind of how we've talked before about that gay thing that a lot of gay guys do where they just say things gaily so people laugh because they're like haha it's a gay

person someone will be like girl this coffee is weak and people will be like the gay person they said it in gay voice it's a gay person that like quad, but she's doing it on purpose. She can either be like, oh, honey, I am getting things done. I am amidst someone's not dream up in here. Or she'd go the other way and be like, oh, honey, you're amidst someone's not dream. Just get on out of here. Either way. Either way, it works.

Hate summer, hate dreaming. Yeah. There you go. Oh, honey. Oh, honey. You ain't nothing but you're in the midst of someone. You're having a dream. That's what you're doing right now.

Quad has problems with somebody. What a shock. I know. Another relationship dead in Quad's world. Can't believe it. Still love that she's with her husband, though. She's like, honey, what do you think of my business? And he's like, I just love that you're doing this business because it it's so fun. Because you like trying stuff.

And she's like, trying? What are you talking about trying? I'm living it. And he's like, that's what I meant. This guy. This poor guy. Yeah. Quad, you know, Quad may be actually going down the Nini path,

which is that, like, okay, I was on your side big time. And definitely against Mariah like mariah was awful but if it becomes a pattern that every season begins where something pretty stupid happened over the course of the summer and now you guys hate each other chances are like if it happens enough times you're probably the problem at a certain point so quad's got to fix it because i love quad but and i will definitely take quad over lisa nicole but i do get the sense that she's being a diva yeah well we'll see if she gets as bad as nini i don't think she's as meany like meany as nini but she's she's definitely an asshole so there's that and then and she's a fun asshole like nini they've got that in common that's true and then uh ultimately

the quad lisa nicole fight turned into Toya versus Simone. And it was the same thing where Simone was like, I know you want to lay a hand on me. I know you do. I know you don't. No one lays a hand on me. She was going full on Sophia from The Color Purple. You told him to beat me. You told Hoppo to beat me.

I was like, okay, calm down over there. And Toya's like, no, I didn't. All I did was call you a bad mother. I'm like, oh, okay. Much better. What I should have did was say you're a bad parent, so I'm sorry. I would never call anybody violent. You're a terrible crackhead mother.

So there was that. I think the season's going to be fun because these women all hate each other and then you gotta love it when the most sensible one who used to be uh what's her button simone is saying we can't get along because nobody can admit their faults like oh really i have not heard any faults that you've admitted yeah exactly i'm. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to enjoy watching you try. Yeah. And it looks like this season goes to shit very quickly. Mm-hmm.

Yes. You know, I loved Married to Madison the first season. Second season, it started to lose me. I'm still not totally sold, but obviously I'm going to watch.

But I think, I don't, why don't they bring back Carrie? Now that Mariah's gone, they should have brought back Carrie. now that Mariah's gone they should have brought back Carrie well Mariah's not gone and I thought it was her show in some kind of way I thought she was a producer or something on the show she is but she's not a full-time cast member but I heard that she well there's some beef there's some stuff on Twitter about her that

she said she wasn't going to do it for one reason then she said she wasn't going to do it for another reason and then she said she had't going to do it for another reason. And then she said she had cancer or something. Like she's trying to, like everybody with, everybody with their fake cancer. Seriously. So I don't know if it's fake cancer, if she even has cancer. I don't know what it is because I was just reading it on Twitter. But someone was like, your excuses keep changing.

But then we see her come in. She's like, I will not have these women take me down. And then you see someone like standing in front of her so she can't talk. The women aren't going to take it down. You sure came back with some power, girl. Yeah. It's going to be Andy Cohen that takes her down. I think I love this show, right?

I think I loved it last year. I mean, I don't know. I certainly love ladies. I mean, last season, I enjoyed it. I just didn't feel like the season one, I was in it. There was that great fight. There was the rivalry between Carrie and Mariah, Mariah and Toya. It was just like working.

Last season, there was a lot of stupid stuff with Lisa Nicole. It was like, why is she there? And Heavenly wasn't doing anything that interesting. It was funny, but it was sort of hollow. Sleepy hollow. But now, I don't know. We'll see. It's just, you know, season one, the beef between Carrie and Mariah felt a little bit more real, and you could see where it can't, you could track it as it went along, and so it was that real thing of friends drifting, and then because they're drifting,

they get angry at each other. Whereas last season, it was like, Quad and Mariah were best friends, and now they're not anymore, because someone was, like, cocky on Twitter. And now this year, it's like, oh, Lisa Nicole had, like, got, like, a background check. It's like bullshit that doesn't really resonate with me. You know, it's like, okay, they're mad, so we have to just accept that they're mad.

But I like that they really see each other in real life, because the last year fight with Mariah and Quad was something from some steak restaurant remember? Yeah. And they were like and then Mariah came up wasted and started yelling at me and then they're yelling at each other in some steak restaurant about lord knows what because they wouldn't talk about it

because it was one of their secrets it's in a book, a big book that I keep under my bed so we don't know what they were fighting about I don't think we ever found out. And then this year it's because of shit that was happening off camera. And I actually like that they see each other

in real life. It's not like the ones where they're like, oh hey, it's another season. Haven't seen you for six months. Maybe the issue is that maybe I get more wrapped up into a show when I see the friendships fall apart on screen. When they start when I see the friendships fall apart on screen,

you know, like when they start one way and then they fall, fall apart over the course of the season. Cause that's what happened. Beverly Hills over the course of this past season. That's what happened. Every good season, you see a decline of friendships and then it doesn't need to be a fight.

Every episode, it's one good fight. You know, you need like one mid season fight and one finale fight or something. You don't want them every episode. I think when you start a season and two people who are friends all of a sudden just hate each other. And then we have to be told, oh, they hate each other because this happened. You're like, wait, but I wasn't there for that and it seems like bullshit.

So you're not invested in the same way as when people are friends at the beginning of the season. And then over the course of the next seven episodes, things decline, and then by episode eight, there's a big fight, and then it's like, oh my God, you're invested. Like Shannon and Heather last season, you know? Yeah. Like Brandy and Kyle last season. Like Kyle and Kim last season.

Like Kyle and Camille season one. Oh, you're giving me a headache. You know what I'm saying, though? I don't want to think of them anymore. I think like Jill and Bethany. I think when you see things start to go sour it's much more compelling because you can see it you you're there you can you can compile the evidence for yourself you can make a case either either side but when you're just told like well things were great but then we met at stk and she like we got into a fight and then she stormed out and now we hate each other you're like what that seems stupid yeah yeah i agree i generally like the ladies on this show i think

they're so funny i mean i guess i'm realizing that i kind of like all the ladies even though i'm horrible to them on here like before when you're like you know i know you think kyle's annoying i actually kind of like kyle like i would be sad if she wasn't on the show i just think she's not like i don't don't know. That's weird, I guess. I like them, but I love to hate them. I love to hate on them, but I like them all. And this show especially. I just love the women. I think they're hysterical.

Heavenly, I mean, Heavenly, total character. Love her. Asshole. Total asshole. Still love her. Quad, ridiculous. Love her. They're all ridiculous and I love them. And I love the most normal one is Dr. Jackie. And she's trying to fix everything. She's like sitting in that couch in the middle of everybody screaming and yelling.

And she's like, what I think would help here is some calorie counting and some structuring of snacks. And they're like, shut up, Dr. Jackie. Shut up already. She's like, fit is it women breaking each other down not fun women losing fat fun like oh geez i just like them i think they're all great so looking forward to this year of course i'm in a good mood today so we'll see next year we'll see what next next week's jury thinks stunning yes um well then why don't we move on to Blood, Sweat, and Heals. How long has this podcast been? What time is it?

We are an hour and 35 in, and this is on top of like a 40-minute bonus episode. You are sleepy hollow, honey. Sleepy hollow. You are a timer in a bull shark. You're like an oven timer. I set you to go off at a certain time and it goes off and i know my chicken's done i'm like oh thanks good burn good burn okay um so next is uh well we could either do blood sweat let's do that candy finale let's do blood sweat and heels so um it was an interesting episode because there's a lot of heavy stuff in it the episode was kind of like had like a strange dichotomy on the one hand you had like cancer and wigs coming off

and you know tears and radiation and parents and daughters and divorce and and people dying and it was just like very and and hiv about HIV HIV test, it was like serious and then on the other hand and then on the other hand and then on the other hand it was like you know what, Geneva said that Greg's a bitch that's what the other hand was like

or like a dog shitting on a sidewalk that was like the other half of it yeah, AIDS and cancer on one hand, dog agents on the other, yeah it was a little sch half of it yeah yeah AIDS and cancer on one hand dog agents on the other yeah it was a little bit so so it started off with so Arzo and Melissa met with Demetria and like so I'm sorry that that's not how I started sorry with ours are just telling Melissa like so you know what like Geneva said that Greg is a bitch which which Well, at first, it started with

them going, sorry to correct you, but I have to point this out again. Because once again, you know that Dimitri is the bully bitch in a relationship because people went to Brooklyn to have lunch with her. No, no, this was just when... What? I was going to say, it started off with Arzo and Melissa

doing makeovers in an apartment, though. Oh, yeah, yeah oh so i'm correcting you i thought we were already at the lunch no no i corrected myself i corrected myself but yes i agree the fact that she makes people go to brooklyn is crazy but so they're sitting there getting to me they're getting their makeovers and arzo is totally stirring the pot as she usually does she's like she called him a bitch which to be fair geneva said that greg is doing some bitch ass bullshit that's what she said which is a little different and second of all it doesn't She called him a bitch, which, to be fair, Geneva said that Greg is doing some bitch-ass bullshit. That's what she said, which is a little different.

And second of all, it doesn't matter because Greg is being a bitch. So who the fuck cares? She called him Peter from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And that's like the worst thing you could do. And Melissa's like, oh, my God. And I was like, yeah, it seems disrespectful. I would not want someone to say that about yesterday. She said she would unleash a dragon. She would unleash a dragon.

I don't know if you watch Game of Thrones, but both things are barely nice to their own mothers. Which isn't like me, because I'm from Afghanistan. Like, we're nice to our mothers. Like, I heard that Shanti called that dragon an Afghan hound, which is so racist. And it's also like it's a dragon, not a hound. Who would say that? When I saw that dragon burn a guy alive, when I saw that dragon burn all those people alive, I was like, you guys must have brought black people home.

I'm like, Geneva, if you are going to unleash the dragon, at least train it. And if you don't know how to do it, there are like two movies. So just watch them, all right? There's two movies. I own them and I watched them with yesterday. Seriously. God, why don't you go talk to Pete? You know, if you have a dragon, talk to Pete about his dragon. How about that? If you're ever worried about your man-string, put on How to Train Your Dragon. They'll be transfects. You know what? I really don't like Geneva's dragon because it reminds me of Puff And Puff was my favorite dragon

And Geneva's like, enough already Don't unleash Puff on us, alright? He dies I don't like to think back at those times With Puff So they're talking about So they're talking about Greg Wesley Snipes releasing the dragon or whatever

And Greg Go ahead, go ahead go ahead and then so they're talking about it they're basically getting themselves into a tizzy over something that doesn't involve them and is not a big deal because of course like why is geneva not allowed to talk about that she's gonna at least of course she's one of dimitri's best friends and dimitri's gonna disinvite her of course or release the dragon whatever the dragon may be uh yes you had a right to be pissed i agree you had a right to talk some shit in that car especially when uh dimitri's attitude is like so that you should have talked during my during my book signing it was a big deal it's really big really big deal so then and then dimitri who's like you know just wants

a small wedding no big deal but it's like oh it's actually a big deal. She's like, well, it turns out I've fallen in love with two dresses. Like, it's a big deal. And then she's showing off photos from her wedding shoot. Like, look at this photo. It's like a castle. It's like a real thing. I've already worn one free wedding dress for this bridal shoot. So I need another free wedding dress.

Because it's a big deal. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Like, I'm basically like young Oprah. And I'm having everything for free. it's a big deal it's like it's a big deal it's a big deal like i'm basically like young oprah and i'm having everything for free it's a big deal they should just give me the whole wedding the they will oh she's doing it on camera for a reason yeah and then um that dress is free of course it's given to her by the dress owner and she acts like she's so surprised and she goes i feel like this i feel like i've been sex in the city and i'm like yeah the episode where miranda was eating cake out the trash the only episode that

comes to mind too bad it's not the scene yeah it's too bad it's not the episode where that woman fell out the window she's like i need a new dress because greg and i went cake shopping last week and we're still doing it um today we're going to Jack in the Box for a free brownie. So I'm going to need some Velcro on this dress. It's free. Thank you. Big deal. I'm like so over this wedding. I'm like self-publishing a book. I can't focus on this wedding. Who cares about weddings? But it's a big deal. I want everything for free.

I'm getting two wedding dresses and a lot of cake. And I'm getting a photo shoot in the castle. We gotta credit the girl. She's learned how to work that reality machine. She has got a wedding and all the accoutrement for free. Well done, Lainey. Well done. Someone was asking us actually this week, can't the woman be excited about her wedding and stuff like that?

Because we're haters. Sometimes we hate different people. And so I think it makes us a little more fair and balanced, just like Fox. But sometimes we just hate on the same people. You know no offense. It's just how it goes. And frankly no. I mean of course she deserves to get excited.

But pretending that she's so above it. And then getting excited. Like she's so above it when it's anybody else. But when it's her. And then she's suddenly like getting everything for free. And acting like a school girl. Yeah it's like hypocritical. She's a dick.

Sorry. I think what annoys me is that first she acts like she's over it and that this is like Greg. It's like, isn't this funny that Greg's all into it? And then she's like really into it. And then she frames it as like this amazing like bell in the city epiphany.

Like, oh my God, I've discovered my femininity. Like it turns out I really do love my wedding. It's like the most facile epiphany that you could have like oh wow it turns out i love getting free stuff and getting pampered and having a lot of attention well of course like i don't begrudge her for actually i don't begrudge her for having those feelings i begrudge her for acting like she's over it and then begrudge her for like having this quote-unquote revelation when she probably was loving it the whole time that's the point yeah and she's just an arrogant asshole.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not calling out a comment or anything. I'm saying this to you because I love reading your comments. And you usually don't agree with us. And I love it. No, no, it's more about just like... I like to converse about it. People also do force us to have different perspectives. Because sometimes we do get into tunnel vision with hating on people.

And it's good to have some of those people sort of give us a little check. And loving on people too. And loving on people. It's like we have to be careful because sometimes you pick a team and then that's it. You stay with that team forever no matter what. And it's very important to vary your teams. Listen, I give –

Be able to call your own team out. We give Demetria – we give her credit when credit is due. I mean, she's a very smart woman. We've never taken that away from her I think actually at times she can be very funny but when it comes to this wedding stuff I think there's like a lot of bullshit that's how it just sort of it rubs me the

wrong way it just rubs me the wrong way just like yeah just lean into it Demetria just lean into the wedding fun and stop with this like oh my god turns out I'm really like a bridezilla okay I guess it's not turns out it was there it's always been there that power of the bride like you're doing somebody a favor by letting them come to your wedding and spend money on a new outfit and buy you shit it's like cut it out yeah this is like and people to help you these are your friends

coming together to help you not you're not doing anybody a favor lady exactly and when she spends half the season talking about how like it's gonna be small and like i don't want people there that i can call it like 2 a.m but by the way i'm still doing my toy voice but like she only wants people there at 2 a.m and then cut to scenes from next week on the season finale and it's the wedding and you see arzo standing there i'm like arzo gets an invite now arzo yeah and that's what a bitch she is because she's not just disinviting her to a wedding she's like kicking her out of the season finale you know what i mean like you have to look at it in certain housewives terms because they've all got the same ammo it may not be called housewives whatever but it's the same mo it's like you know i'm you're not

going to be nice to me fine don't be in the finale it's going to be a big deal yeah you can't do that i'd like to see i'd like to see dimitri or call uh call arzo at two in the morning hi dimitria i'm so sorry but it's like two in the morning can we talk about this tomorrow it's just that greg left me that's great but i think we need to talk about this tomorrow i'm sorry there going to be a dragon. Stupid Demetria. Okay, so they go to lunch. Now they're at their meal.

Now they go to this lunch, okay? They go all the way to Brooklyn and act like it didn't take them all day. Honestly, I lived in Brooklyn and I lived right over the bridge. I lived on the Bedford stop off the L train, like right first stop off the bridge and nobody would come see me ever.

I mean, I could be going into birth and nobody would come to see me. My friends are like, fuck that, Brooklyn. No, you're coming into town. That's how it is. But if you're scared of someone, you get your ass to Brooklyn, okay? So she comes in and she's just had a free cake from 31 Flavors. And she's like all full of herself. And she's like, listen, everybody and she's like listen everybody i just

you know i'm so excited to see my friends because it's been such an exciting day and i really don't want any negativity she's like i'm like really then here's arzo yeah well the best part is that once again dimitri who is like so over being like in a wedding and yet loves at the same time she's like i just want to enjoy my drink because it's like, I'm like two weeks from my wedding. I just want to enjoy my drink. It's like, shut up. Not everything. You can't weave everything into your wedding. It's like, oh man, I need to

watch some TV because it's like three weeks from my wedding and I need to enjoy this now before I get something. It's like, not everything. Every little thing. Everything. So then of course, Melissa, who doesn't really care about anybody but herself is still trying to get back at this bitch for whatever i mean what was their original i actually don't original beef with uh geneva i thought that she actually didn't even have one i thought they were like fine yeah i think, I think she was more, maybe she was more on Team Micah,

Team Daisy with the whole Hamptons issue, but I can't remember I don't remember any specific thing that would drive Melissa to be anti-Geneva. Like, seriously anti-Geneva. I really can't track that. Maybe someone could write that on our Facebook

wall, but I don't know where it came from. she maybe she heard that geneva was jealous that melissa went to the photo shoot at the castle because it's a big deal and maybe her way of dealing with geneva being angry about that is to then be angry back at her well the whole thing this season has been melissa trying to get geneva kicked out she's been firing that fight this whole season and so now she has some evidence and it's in the form of arzo she's like i know it's not nice to gossip but in afghanistan that's what we did to stay alive because we were either getting bombed or talking about getting bombed so every day is like the smiths got bombed gossip time I love how Arzo does this

like faux like reserved thing where she's like oh you know this was supposed to be a private conversation between me and Melissa like what will we tell after the wedding but for some reason when Arzo like does this shit stirring stuff I mean she's such an asshole

but I am like endlessly entertained by her like every time she's like, well, I think I heard something, I'm, like, giggling. You know, because she's just, like, so blatantly shit-stirring, gossiping, because then she's just, like, laughing afterwards. She's like, oh, I guess that really bothered Demetria.

I'm like, yeah, you know, shit's her life. Whereas Melissa's like, I think you need to hear something. I think you need to hear something. This would piss me off if I heard it. I'm like, if she felt things. Whereas Melissa's like, I think you need to hear something. I think you need to hear something. This would piss me off if I heard it. I'm like, shut up, Melissa. What did Orzo even say?

Like, what was the big scoop? She's like, well, we were in the car about to pick a boa off trees. And she called Greg a bitch. And then Dimitri is like, how am I supposed to call her at 2 in the morning? If she is calling my mom, I'm like, what is this calling you at 2 in the morning? What is this? What is happening? What is she doing at 2 in the morning that you need to call everybody?

You know it's fucked up. Do you leave your keys in the car? What is going on at 2 in the morning that you need everybody in your life to be willing to fucking pick up the phone, girl? Girl, just call the gas company. Tell them you got a leak. They'll send a man over, and he'll be like, sorry, it's a big deal. I got to tell someone about this. The cake store closes at 2?

I mean, what happens at 2, bitch? I know, and she's like, I can't believe this would happen two weeks before my wedding. I can't believe this would happen when I'm trying to cleanse my palate for the next cake. Exactly. It makes me crazy. And she's like, you know, she's my real friend. Like, she's my girl. I mean, I would call her.

She'd be the one that I would call at two in the morning. Exactly. It's like, bitch, if she's your girl, why don't you give her some benefit of the doubt already for crying out loud? Why are you listening to Arzo and Melissa of all people? Maybe she's betraying you because she's grumpy from not getting enough damn sleep. Yeah.

She's like, girl, I am sorry. I need some sleep. I have been stressed out. I have been in a civil rights lawsuit with a taxi cab man who I did not pay. Well, but the best of the way, Melissa is just a total instigator, too. Like, that Demetria is going to take these, like, numbskulls, whatever, over Geneva. When ours is like, she's going to release the dragon.

And Melissa's like, I would be afraid if I were you. Like, what? You stupid bitch. Don't you not want people like that in your life? Aren't those people the worst? If I were you, I would not want them in your life. And if you have any room at your wedding, I'm free. Ha ha ha. If you have room at the table, you can

always invite Yesterdy. Um, so... No, it's not Yesterdy. It's Yesterdy. Yeah, Yesterdy yesterday I wanted to mention what was I going to mention it was on the tip of my tongue now it's leaving me hold on hold on oh yeah you know why it's leaving me because I was going to give Dimitri a credit for the second time in an episode

which I can't do it my god I can be talked to anything Dimitri did say because she did say she was like look this is one of my best friends. I know she probably wasn't coming from a mean place because she's not a mean person. And she was probably, it was coming from a place of hurt. So I give her credit for that because this could have turned into, you know, a World War I affair.

If it was quad, it'd be like, oh, oh honey i just poured my coffee down a car's hood and like what you tried slowing me down like a speed bump but like a bicycle with two wheels i went between the bumps and made it around try and crash somebody else sucker honey i am like a palm tree in a hurricane i will will bend, but I will not break, but you can be sure my frond might come off and slap you in the face. I'm like a water fountain filled with milk.

I am like a tide that has been inflated with jelly beans, okay? It's gonna be a rough ride. Can a line of greeting cards be far behind? I agree that Demetria did give Geneva credit, but what was funny is that

Melissa just kept hammering away at it. At a certain point, you could see Demetria just kind of got brainwashed and she was like, I can't believe this. And she kept on pushing back the time. She was like, if I need to call someone at 11, if I have to call someone at 1, if I have to call someone at 2 in the morning, if I have to call someone at 7 in the morning when I wake up, it's just like

I don't know. It's a big deal. Someone take Demetria's phone away, please. And her theoretical situation was just getting even more bonkers. She was like, if Greg is halfway across the world climbing Mount Everest and my mother is in California and she's asleep, who am I going to call? Ghostbusters.

There's a ghost. Excuse me. There's a ghost in the library. It's a big deal. Can someone go kill it? It's a big deal. There's a ghost in the library. It's a big deal. Can someone go kill it? It's a big deal. It's trying to get into my wedding. And I was like, I can't call you at two in the morning. My wedding is ruined. Slimer is in the banquet hall throwing all the food around.

It's a big deal. Someone call Ghostbusters. So other things that happened today were the dog agent for Shanti's dog, who's not trained. That dog agent for shanti's dog who's not trained yeah well that dog agent oh well first of all what was hilarious is after all this stuff then we cut to milkshake taking a dump on the sidewalk and the camera's like zoomed in like hey let's get this feces you can see andy cohen sitting there with a shit literally a shit eating grin because we're seeing shit and he's grinning it's like i can't wait to turn turn this into a game on what's what happens.

What's more interactive? Vicky's new face or this dog shit on the street? I know. And a wheel! So Shanti tells us that Milkshake has been on Broadway and Milkshake works and she wants to get Milkshake working some more. I'm like, great, the new star of Fun Home. Milkshake!

No shit. The curious incident of the dog who shits on the street sideways the curious incident of the dog who shits in the daytime from from what i've seen uh from the tony awards this weekend that dog has a chance all right that dog has a chance just teach us some on the town telling teach it anything from the 50s it's already it's already do it's already a step ahead of that finding neverland piece i'll tell you listen cheetah rivera's limping all over that stage shitting all over the place you know she is they've got room for you milkshake milkshakes like when i saw him walk in with doggy biscuits on a ring could you imagine could you imagine the

doggy agent following cheetah rivera? Stop shitting on the stage. You're never going to work if you shit. All right, call me when you stop shitting on the stage, Cheetah. And Cheetah would just be like, getting to shit on you, getting to shit all over you. So stupid. Okay. So what else happened? Daisy held a vigil for herself even though she's healed of cancer now anything for an event that daisy loves an event cancer is leaving but that doesn't mean

that it's too late to send out a few invites am i right guys i love davies i mean daisy's little like 10 year old muppet doctor he's like yeah what well, as far as I can see, looks like you're cured. Yeah. Daisy is really cute, but that girl loves her publicity. She's like, listen, let's not tell anyone I've been cured of cancer yet, all right? Don't put that in the e-vite. It's going to be a vigil, because you know how dead people get vigils? I was on the freeway the other day, and I passed one of those flower things on a lamppost from where someone got run over on the freeway, and I thought, why don't I have one of those things on the freeway? And so now I want people to donate flowers. The freeway is just going to be full of pictures of Daisy

who never got run over. I know. Come on now. Oh, poor Daisy. And then, well, she got her radiation in her dad watch and that was sad. And then, well, we went back to Milkshake because we had that agent you started to talk about,

Diane Katz, dog agent to the stars. And I loved this meeting with Diane Katz, and they're trying to get Milkshake to do tricks. And they're like, okay, can Daisy go down? Can Daisy go down? And she's like, yes, absolutely. Daisy, down. I'm sorry, Milkshake, down. Milkshake, down.

And then for the next five minutes, like, down, down. I'm sorry,hake down milkshake down and then for like the next five minutes like down down i'm sorry she normally goes down down milkshake down stop shitting stop shitting she does that arguing thing with the dog like i do i wonder why my dog doesn't listen to me because she's i'll tell him like stop pulling the leash you know what i'm really sick of you pulling the leash like it's not cool i've told sick of you pulling the leash. Like, it's not cool. I've told you this 5,000 times. And now I'm walking down the street screaming at you like a crazy person. Just please stop. And he's like, oh, my God, crazy lady.

What are you saying? Dogs understand, like, one word, okay? You have to stay down. And that's it. Shanti's like, down. Come on, milkshake. Down. Oh, you're embarrassing me, milkshake.

Come on, milkshake. What I loved was the shift of power in the scene because in the beginning, when you see this Diane Katz lady, she's wearing all this blue and turquoise and a flower in her hair and you're like, oh, look at this kook. And by the end, I thought when Diane showed up, it was like, oh, this woman just

can't wait to be on TV. And then by the end, she's like, she's trying to peace out so quickly. She's like, I'll call you. Don't call me. I'll call you. Why don't you get some improvement? Yeah, yeah. Goodbye.

Goodbye. I got to catch the bus. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Bye, hon. Very serious dog agent. You know that a dog agent is serious when her skirt matches her little girl's hair bow that she bought at the store.

It's like Baby Jane over there. No dog agents, Shanti Tulling. Build your business, Tulling. Build your business. She's like, okay, we got an opening in Wizard of Oz in Topeka. And then we got to see this vigil. Well, first we saw Daisy remove her wig. Her hair is growing back.

Her hair actually looks really cute short like that. Yeah, I love this. She looks really cute short like that yeah i love this she looks really cute i i agree i you know i know so it's interesting to me because uh hair is very very important to uh to like african-american women it's like a it's like a big part of like culture and all this stuff it's been discussed a million times um but i always think it's i always think it's amazing that like so many women put all this time and energy into wigs, into weaves, into straighteners, into color and all that stuff. And I think sometimes just that the natural hair should be celebrated. I think it looks just beautiful and perfect.

I don't think you have to do all that stuff to it. And I get it. I'm not condemning it because I understand it's part of an expression or whatever. But I don't know. Sometimes I think there's something to be said. But just your natural hair, ladies. Just your natural hair. Well, she's super cute and the relationship with her mom is really cute. But I feel bad for the mom because Daisy started with that whole, I'm a daddy's girl.

I love my dad. I love my daddy. I mean, he left when I was a baby and my mom raised me and I didn't talk to my dad for like 30 years. But I love him. I'm a daddy's girl. And my mom gets kind of mad because I don't ever call her. But I love my daddy. Daddy's taking me to dinner. Daddy's here.

Finally, daddy's here. And the mom came too. And the mom's like crying. And she's like, I'm just glad my daughter's okay. I mean, you never even call me. My friends ask me how you are. And I think, I don't even know. And Daisy's like, well, if you can get the

you know, if you can get the PIN number to Dad's voicemail, you'll know because I call him 20 times a day and update him. He hasn't called back yet, but one day he will because I'm a daddy's girl. Oh, God. Kind of feel for the mom. I just remember all this stuff from last year and it made me sad.

Yeah. Daddy issues. I thought the vigil was actually very moving it was and it was a good idea I mock it for fun but I think it was a good idea it is good to be able to share that kind of stuff with all of your friends

and have people show up and support you and at first it was funny because before I think Geneva mentioned, before she mentioned that her aunt had died that very day, which was sad, and then of course Micah's grandmother had died. I mean, everything was just so sad this episode. Well, everybody's dying over at Micah's house. Micah's granny

died, and then she was talking about her sister passing away from AIDS. Yeah, everything was sad. But I did sort of chuckle a little bit when you know this was primarily a thing for Daisy and Geneva's like well we're all going through our traumas I'm like don't you dare bring up the taxi thing again

this is inappropriate Geneva but no she didn't she's like my aunt wasn't even here to watch my trial on court TV for my my cop beating trial or whatever. Yeah, she's like,

I am going on Judge Joe Brown next week and I do not see anyone coming to support me. All right, so let's move on because we've still got Candy, don't we? That's it. The season finale of Candy's trip. Okay, so Candy. Let's just speed through this.

Yeah, we have to. It's like a zillion o'clock. This is longer than the Tonys. I know. So, first we had Carmen and Mama Joyce trying to bury the hatchet. And it was funny because Carmen's trying to describe her side of the story. And Mama Joyce just kept on interrupting with these noises. She's like,

That ain't true. That ain't true, Carmen. That's a lie, Carmen. And, you know, I love that we finally got to the bottom of the anger, okay? You want, I wore one of Candy's wigs, and you said I wanted that hair. You've always wanted Candy's things. Like, she was shaking with rage when she said that. And I was like, you are literally hating on this young woman because you thought she was jealous of your hand-me-down wig, bitch.

Really? Oh, my God. And that was her reason. That's her reason. Yeah, exactly. And everything she was saying, she was – and she was – oh, talk about, like, turning – like, being – taking feminism back many steps. First she says, if a best friend don't think any more of you than to let him put it in a hole,

he'll put it in a hole. I was like, Jesus. So it's Carmen's fault that there's this theoretical, you know, situation. And Carmen says, well, why are you okay with Todd? If you really think that we slept together, why are you okay with him? And she goes, I don't blame the man

because a man will only do what you allow him to do i was like oh my god when the sister when the sisters were talking to matthew who by the way is a little evil cracker genius but genius yeah and carmen and don juan called it he was totally trying to steal their jobs and you know and he will he will because they're they're saying they're complaining about it but he's actually he's selling their jobs. And he will. He will because they're saying they're complaining about it. He's stealing their jobs because he legitimately is capable of stealing it because he's a good assistant. But he's also a bitch.

I could get it in All About Eve or whatever. Sorry for the old Queen reference again, but it's Tony's week. I get the whole wanting to cut Betty Davis' gas line so that the understudy could be on Broadway because bitch is going to be on Broadway. But what are

you going to get? Now you're going to be carrying two purses. What's the fun in that? You're going to be carrying around a step stool and a fucking foot bath or whatever the hell you're going to have to carry around for those two. It's ridiculous. It's like you're fighting over a job for nothing. It's like the next reality show, Next Top Barista at Starbucks.

What are you fighting for? I know. I know. And Mama Joyce, though, in this fight with Carmen, she got so nasty. First, she said she wants to have lie detector tests. And then she said,

didn't she at one point go like, fuck you, little asshole. Isn't that what she said at one point? Yes. And she said, oh, well, look at you. You've sure done well for yourself. You were what?

Were you in a Hyundai? Now you're in a Mercedes. Yeah. You know what that's called? Having a fucking job. OK, that's what she does. She gets paid to work there. You don't.

All the shit that you're wearing right now, that hand-me-down wig you're wearing right now, you did not pay for that. OK, lady? It's considered a good thing if you can move up in life like that. then i love how then candy comes in she's like see now riley this is not working this is not working like we were supposed to walk the set this is this is not working you're so important to me and this is not working at all i'm like candy what did the what did you think was gonna happen did you really think they were gonna work it out what about the part where carmen said okay just tell me where did you hear these rumors

from just tell me where you heard them and she's like well my friend's husband said that there's no way that those two haven't done it before i'm like really so he's watching them saying what a cute couple there's no way you know because you know some old man's gonna be like they're both fine the how they haven't fucked is beyond me and she's like they fucked and then told everybody that they fucked yeah no one ever said they fucked like that's the other that's the other big twist is that all of this is just a total lie no one ever even said they had sex someone said they should have sex or there's no way that they haven't but no one accused them of having sex she She's cray cray. Well, actually, the big twist we learned is that when Carmen went to talk to Bertha, Aunt Bertha, and Aunt Nora,

and they started talking about it, and Bertha's like, it's a mental problem. But it was like it turns out that Joyce had had brain surgery at one point because she was like either in danger of having an aneurysm or maybe she had a small one or whatever but she's actually had brain surgery and that explains a lot they said that she was never the same after that surgery and she's been on meds because of that surgery so yeah but that was since she was a teenager you know what i mean like some some people get their legs amputated because of illness and they have to still learn to walk properly again no one ever taught that woman to mentally walk i thought they said that was when she was oh i didn't realize that was when

she was a teenager yeah i think they said it was when she was just a teenager oh well either way they say she's on meds for it so that you know that's probably that's i don't know but it was sad because nora poor aunt nora she was just like started to really sob she goes how do i help my sister i love the drama in these women they're so funny i know you know if you really want to help your sister put her down oh oh ronnie what an awful thing to say listen a dog can only bite you three times then by law you got to put it down tell kim richards that send it to a farm with kingsley darling um so there was that the old lady's trying to a farm with Kingsley, darling. Darling. So there was that.

The old ladies trying to get weed with Todd was so funny, mostly because they bonded and said, you're our family now. And that was really sweet. I was surprised how much sweetness ended up coming out of this show. Yeah. I love Candy's family. I think they're interesting.

And what's funny is how Todd's family is basically barely on the whole show. When they had this moment where they were doing the let it burn game, and they're like, they had every single person from Candy's family get up there and throw something in the fire. Todd's family, I don't know. They burned nothing. They just sat there in the corner. They're like, well, we would have had things to regret had we had any lines, but we didn't.

So we'll just be back here watching you silently they're like we're pretty functional so we're not going to burn anything so we'll just sit back here we're just going to enjoy some of that marijuana that they're selling like chicken selling like chicken and then they went and then Candy and her mom

and the two girls they went snowshoeing it was funny they're like we're going to go snowshoeing they walked all of five feet they walked from the door to like a little bit around the they went snowshoeing. It was funny. They're like, we're going to go snowshoeing. They walked all of five feet. They walked from the door to a little bit around the corner. I thought they were going to go walk around, go on a little adventure. They just walked, threw some snowballs, fell over,

and then went back inside. Is that kind of an activity? I'm so glad we had this moment to bond. You walked outside. You stood outside for half an hour and then you walked back inside when it got too cold see nah snowshoeing he was having some fun and i was like i'm gonna walk on the snow yeah so they put all of their beef aside and um blah blah blah except i mean mama joy still can't help being evil. She's like, well, I can't, you know, I can't apologize properly to Todd until I trust him. It's like, oh, Jesus.

Is Todd trying to steal wigs, too? I mean, Jesus, what do you hate him for? Yeah. Stupid. Stupid old lady. Too much, Mama Joyce. Take a load off, Granny. All right.

And I think that pretty much ended that. I was so glad that it was just three episodes. I know. All right. And I think that pretty much ended that. I was so glad that it was just three episodes. I know. So now we have on the Tuesday show, we'll be doing OC, Marriage Medicine, and oh, wait, Blood, Sweat, and Heals is ending. I guess we have to do Mother Funders. I hate it. Mother Funders.

You don't have to if you don't hate it. We've a ton of shows on we'll see we'll see because we have also um we have shot we got to figure out what this what the new shows are coming and going because we've got a bunch we're in transition right now just stay tuned and we'll recap what we recap yeah just so you know we will be doing the For Crying Out Loud podcast live. We're doing one of their live shows. So this is not our live show, but we are doing one of their live shows. And that is August 25th here in Hollywood. And that is also my 40th birthday. Wow.

So I will be embarrassing myself, I'm sure, and getting drunk in whatever straight bar we're in and making an ass out of myself. Yeah, and at some point in the next week or two, Ronnie and I are going to be doing a Periscope thing where we take the women to Shut Up Mountain. Should be fun. Real Housewives, not Lynette and Stephanie. Yeah, we're going to have fun with those guys yeah it's a big deal

it's a big deal you guys free cake out the trash we'll do a live show we'll get there I went so far as to get a price from a theater but I never emailed them back so much better doing other people's live shows you just have to show up and get drunk yeah but we should do a live show for our fans um well you

guys come see us either way if we do one before then we'll try and funnel you all to our live show come i just want to give you advance notice because it's going to be fun i have to party somewhere and it's going to be somewhere awful because you know my ass ain't going to rent out of space and we're at Hollywood and Highland so we'll go somewhere really cheesy. And you know what? The guy from Tin Horn Flats, he wants to bring down the screen and put stuff

up on the screen. It might be slightly multimedia. We might be putting pictures up there and making fun of the ladies. Oh, that would be fun. Yeah, he wants to do that. ladies oh that would be fun yeah he wants to do that so well that would be some fun times and um thank you so much this was an epic day we've been talking for three hours and 15 minutes we just talk and talk and talk and yappy yap so thanks everyone thanks for supporting us on patreon thanks for supporting us on facebook

oh wait did we get our 4000th fan do you think it actually happened did we do it drumroll drumroll drumroll I don't like calling listeners fans I'm sorry I don't mean that we're calling them listeners because they're fans of the Housewives shows they're listeners to us

I know unless we actually do something legitimate in our lives and actually earn real fans. Plus also, our fandom is not just limited to Facebook, too. So it also devalues people who listen who are not on the Facebook page. It sort of implies that they're not fans. Oh, well, I'm glad we're getting politically correct about it. Look at that.

We're still at 3,999. So hopefully today we'll get one more. We'll be at 4,000. We just need one more person to like us. One more. And we hit that beautiful. Did we finally get cut off, Ben? Nope.

I don't know. All right. So bye, everyone. Bye. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the Internet. The folks behind the S sideshow network have launched a new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with comedians like reggie watts todd glass liza slicinger slicing driving friends with her for 10 years one of the funniest people

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It was just never meant to be betwixt us. You gave me automobile insurance apprehension. And Geico has come along and in just 15 minutes given me new car insurance. And made me as jubilant as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval. That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another. Clara May in Columbia.

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