Watch What Crappens - #193: Walls, Boxes, and Used VWs

Episode Date: June 11, 2015

Ben Mandelker (Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are back to mock The Real Housewives of New York (I WANNA BE CLOOOOSED), Secrets and Wives (after prison bjs) and the first part of the Shahs of Sunset Reunion (totes organic implants = natural.) Join us! Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch?id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. And joining me, as usual, is the lovely, beautiful, talented, thin, game-playing, hair-combing Ben Mandelker. Hello, Ben. Hi there. I just love hair-combing. Well, you've got hair.

You know, that's a huge thing. Enjoy it. Comb it. Thank you. You guys, thank you so much for coming on to patreon.com slash watch what crappens and supporting us. You have changed our lives in a very short time. This is actually true. Yeah, it actually is true.

So thank you so much. We can watch so much more Bravo now. We can just talk about Bravo for nine hours a week now. So thank you guys so much. now. We can just talk about Bravo for nine hours a week now. So thank you guys so much. If you're not supporting and you want bonus episodes, ringtones, Google Hangouts,

blah, blah, all that good stuff, come to patreon.com slash watch what crappins and check out the plans over there. They're all reasonable. You can go on to our Facebook and all that good stuff. Facebook.com slash watch what crappens

that's where other listeners and us gather to talk shit about the shows we have live show threads and stuff like that that is some funny shit we'll be reading through that throughout the day you can follow us on twitter oh sorry ben go ahead oh i was going to say one of the advantages of being come uh liking our facebook page or going to it is that you always will know when the new episode of Watch What Crappens is up. Because something that's been happening recently is that there's been a lag between when we've posted the podcast on SoundCloud versus when it actually appears on iTunes. And we get a lot of people who are like, when is it going to be on iTunes? When is it going to be on iTunes? And there are technical things happening that are sort of out of our control

pertaining to RSS feeds and who knows what. But if you come to Facebook, the Facebook page, we will always post, we'll say the podcast is up and you may not be able to access it on iTunes, but if you go to SoundCloud, for instance, you can access it there. And we will always have a link to the SoundCloud thing. So you can listen directly from your web browser or if you download the SoundCloud app. And I'm not saying this to hawk SoundCloud. I'm just saying this as a way to make it easier for you. You can listen to it via the SoundCloud app. Yeah, just click on the picture and it will pop up your browser and start playing it.

app. Yeah, just click on the picture and it'll pop up your browser and start playing it. Yeah, so if you don't feel like waiting until the next morning, because lately iTunes has really had a 12 or 15 hour delay, just download the SoundCloud app or just go to our SoundCloud thing. Just listen directly from there. It's still the same

podcast. Same podcast, just sooner. Yeah, and the fun part about listening via Facebook is you get to see everyone's comments, which is always fun. Yeah. Love the comments. So, everybody, thanks for everything you're doing for us. We really appreciate it.

If you want to follow us personally on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Grindr, whatever the hell, Periscope, whatever, just go to WatchWhatCrapHands.com. All our links are listed there. Not much else. Basically just a bunch of links to where you can find a bunch of crap. But go over therewhatcrappens.com All our links are listed there Not much else Basically just a bunch of links Go over there and check it out Periscope is fun I'm looking forward to doing some things with that Ronnie got drunk over the past weekend And did a drunken Periscope broadcast

From the middle of West Hollywood Which was hilarious I was mortified But I've never really i mean i've tried it and then i just turn it off and so i was drunk enough that i didn't care i was like i'll just do it and it was so fun because i guess if you guys don't know what periscope is is this live streaming app and like a webcam yeah it's kind of like a webcam wherever you are and you just you can talk to whoever's on it and ask questions and they talk back to you blah blah so i was doing it and so many people from here from the podcast came on

and were talking shit with me i had so much fun and then i was mortified the next day because i didn't realize that it keeps a copy in there for a couple of days so i thought that was just you know like one drunken night and it's done. But no, I woke up to people being like, oh, really? You shave your nuts? Let's talk about that. It's like, oh, no. I was embarrassed because my friend, he did something from like the Jurassic World premiere or something like that. And so I was watching it and I'm like still new to it.

So I was like, I know you can send hearts. Like, how do you do? Hearts is like the equivalent of liking something. So it's like, how do I do this? So I was like trying to do it i was like am i doing it am i sending hearts or whatever the next day i went back to look at to look at his that thing some more because i only watched like a little bit i'm like let me see some more of it and then i looked and said who were the viewers i was like oh there i am and it says like ben mandelker like 57 hearts i was like oh my god it like keeps It, like, keeps track.

It, like, announces how many hearts you've given. I was so mortified. I was like, please, oh, God. Well, on my Periscope, it said Ben Mandelker, zero hearts. So thanks, Ben. Thanks for saving them all for your other friend. Oh, I got two hearts beating for just one broadcast. Oh, I got two hearts beating for just one broadcast.

Yeah, I did my first Periscope thing last night on my account, and it was me doing the prep work to make some salmon. I think I had like 13. Actually, a total of 40 people came on. The stats said it was a retention rate of 28%. So I was really... Well, you never know what people are watching on there they i've said the most people have ever watched me is when i just put it on my dog i think we should start doing periscopes for the podcast and just do like pick a show that we're just gonna do once a week and just watch a show you know and talk to people while the show's going

on because you know i love watching tv with other people yeah well and like i said on tuesday i i want to do the shut up mountain board game and we're going to get some people because each of us will control two housewives the way the game works that each of us will that you control two players but in this case there'll be two housewives going up the mountain we can get a total of five players which means we can have 10 housewives climbing shut up mountain and we're going to see and we'll put on the hardest setting So that way a bunch of them die. And we'll see who survives. And we'll broadcast the entire thing on Periscope.

It'll probably be like 90 minutes or so. It'll be like the awful people who survive. It'll be like the Game of Crowns cast at the top of the mountain. I know. Who's going to be on Shut Up Mountain? Well, obviously Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin can't even play because she's already like the face of Shut Up Mountain. They're going to be climbing Jill Zarin's face.

She's the Sherpa. She's the Sherpa who beats everyone up. All right. Shall we get on to the show, Ben? We've had enough of not hot topics. Cold topics. Topics that no one's talking about. Let's talk about my 13 viewers on Periscope caitlin jenner what do you guys think

hey i've got an uber code does anyone want an uber code or a lift code like if you want some 200 that just hit me up a friend of mine got molested by a lift driver by the way this week so be careful in those lifts take uber was she the one who posted that thing about being driven to gardenia no but that's a friend of a friend because then that friend sent us all an email like this just happened to my other friend and i'm like what is up with lift drivers is that like the new dating service for old ugly people they're like i'll just get in a lift at two in the morning on a saturday and feel some boobs i uh it's kind of funny because first of all I've never molested any of my passengers and I've only had I think like two hot people

ever really do only hot people just not take Lyft or Uber sometimes sometimes I had there was this one guy

Simon Cowell's ex-wife Terry whatever who's now on Extra? Terry, what's her face? So her baby daddy was, I drove him, and he's a British male model, so he was hot. I always think of British men at being bad at sex. That's not very nice, right? All right, British men, prove me wrong. Get your periscope out. Just kidding. Well, I imagine them all being like hugh grant like just putting their hands in here oh well you know if you'd like i would i'll insert here and i mean i mean i don't

have to insert we can do talk about things i mean i just don't know we can they're all like hugh grant they're all late for funerals and weddings all the time they're always going up they're always good up there's always going up mountainsides and coming down with goats or whatever. Englishman, he went up the mountainside and came down with a goat. So I'm warning everybody early that my notes are a little scribblier than usual because – or more scribbly. I don't know what the proper grammar is for that. But I took a couple Tylenol PMs last night because I wasn't sleeping very well. And I watched these shows and my mouth was open and drool

was coming out of one side. But I wrote. I wrote a lot of notes. I don't know what's going to happen. I wrote a lot of notes. I did not write any notes on Shaz. I forgot. Oh, it's okay. You don't even need that many notes for that. I'm just going to yell for an hour once we get to Shaz. I know. Something with a Bentley.

Okay, so why don't we start with the crusty Bentley. Well, I'll get to this when we get the shots, but let's start with New York City. Real Housewives of New York City. Let's start with New York! This, by the way, this season, killing it for me. I am loving it. I am just, I think, I probably have said

this the past three weeks in a row, but I still I am feeling it. I am feeling Real Housewives of New York City. It is so entertaining to me I feel like they're not really Trying too hard Most of my problems with these shows are when they just try too hard And they start fights over stupid things

And these ladies have housewives presents You know when people say You've got stage presence kid Like they're just very comfortable They don't feel the need to start shit Because they're all crazy enough that it's kind of real to them. Their neuroses and stuff are real. We're living in the real

times. They're also perfectly alpha. They truly are alpha women and they're all smart. Even though we give shit to Sonya or even to Kristen, I actually do think these women are a base level of intelligence that's way higher than several of the other franchises you know and i think that combination

of like of like independence and alpha ness and intelligence makes for these women who like don't take any bullshit or will just speak their mind and you get like genuine conflict and that's why they have great housewives uh whatever presence you said you got presence i like that reality tv has become so ubiquitous that now people are finally getting a come getting comfortable enough that it's really real now yeah like they're just used to all the cameras and stuff being there and they can live like real people i don't even know what i'm talking about i don't know why i'm saying any of this is real well that's why well this week's episode started you know uh picked up where the previous episode began because we had a cliffhanger to be continued.

Previously on The Real Housewives, Heather and Bethany got into this like drunken fight at Dorinda's birthday party. And it was like the music was all tense. And it was like, what's going to happen between these two women? was all tense and it was like what's gonna happen between between these two women well when we started up this episode it was almost as if the editors had forgotten that there was like a tense fight happening because they they the music changed it wasn't tense music it was you know the the real housewives of new york city bassoon of stupidity was that bassoon that's like you know that music that plays like i can't even do it that same music it's it's like, do-do-do-do-do-do. You know that music that plays? I can't even do it.

It's that same music. It's the same music they use for, is that fat John going to fuck the cigarette girl? It's like this humpty-dumpty bassoon that plays whenever the women are doing something silly or Ramona's talking about something dumb. It's called the Fat Sweaty John Music Band. What? It's my third Fat Sweaty John music band. Okay. What? It's my third time. This is it. It's like Rocky and Bullwinkle music.

So it starts playing and we're like, okay, I guess this fight must be ending soon then because the editors aren't taking it seriously anymore. And sure enough, like the big cliffhanger that we were waiting for was Bethany coming up to Heather and be like, you know what? I want to give you a hug. I want to give you a hug. You know what? I just, I'm sorry. I have a wall. This is me. It's not Heather and be like, you know what? I want to give you a hug. I want to give you a hug. You know what? I'm sorry.

I have a wall. This is me. It's not you. You know what? I genuinely like you. I like you. I mean, I like you. Shoot me right now. I mean, I like you. But it's just I have a wall. I can't talk about this right now. I just want to give you a hug. I just want to be closed. I want to be closed. Okay? I'm like a Mervins on a Sunday at 11pm.

Closed. Alright? Sit there tapping your fingers on the door. Saying open, open, open until I open. Until then, I'm closed. I just want to be closed. I'm going to drink a skinny girl with some skinny girl smart pop and be closed. I don't want to talk about myself skinny girl. I'm taking a skinny girl Valium right now, okay, so I can just be out of here. I love Bethany's level of privacy.

I just want to be closed. I've got therapy on camera in a couple of seconds, and then I'm going to go tell a cousin how he raped and murdered my first hamster on camera. It's like, what kind of privacy are you looking for? You just don't want to be bothered by Heather. Alright, join the rest of us, darling. We're an army. We're a closed army.

And Heather, of course, has the worst interpersonal skills, because instead of recognizing that this is Bethany's weird way of reaching out, Heather's just kind of like okay well mama then i'm here it's on you you have to reach out to me mama like okay you're forgiven mama okay but that's it holla i'm like no you're supposed to say i totally understand that big plastic smile she's like well i don't know how to take this so you just be closed. Enjoy being closed.

I'm looking inside of you right now, and the lights are all off, so I'm assuming you're closed. My husband will probably get out of the car anyway and try and jiggle the door, and I'll be yelling from the front seat, it's closed. But he'll still try, because that's how he is. Heather's husband kills me. When Heather's sitting there crying, andhany's like oh close the husband's like happy birthday you know what nobody needs your sad ass happy birthday song like her birthday is probably depressing enough all right she's lost her first two men she's next to fat sweaty john who smells like waitress she doesn't need a sad you know happy birthday song too it's like jesus

change the subject with your height you know change it with something else not a sad happy birthday song on someone's birthday poor dorinda i know the whole thing was sort of like crazy it kind of reminded me of the possessed dinner party from beetlejuice you know it's like i expected i expected everyone to stand up and start going you know everything was like weird colors in there a lot of people everyone was strange um but the funny thing is that he Heather sits down immediately and then she's like, wow, that was weird. And Bethany's like, I'm right here. I can hear you. I can still hear you.

Yeah. Bethany's just still trying to start a fight. And Heather's like, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll try and accept that. And Bethany says, look, it's not that I don't like her. I just feel like she's inside me. You know, she's inside me. The last thing that was inside me was a peanut. It didn't well all right it didn't end well get off my jock get off but i mean heather was being i mean like they just reached this like fake truce and then heather sits down and is like wow fuck her like right in front of bethany

just like what are you thinking you're such a woman. But in her defense, Bethany did say, oh, I just wanted to get it over with. I just said, sorry. So it could just be over. I could pretend it was done. Yeah, it was totally. And what was funny is in the middle of this, then the camera cuts to Ramona, which is the new thing this season. Or maybe it's every season. Every now and then they'll just cut to Ramona trying to talk, just to describe something.

Like a few episodes ago when she was at a party, she's like, is this tuna? It looks like tuna. I think it's tuna. And then she eats it. She goes, it's tuna. Remember that? So this time she's like,

she starts describing a sponge cake and she starts making this weird like plowing motion with her hands. She's like, you know, I think I want one of those, you know, one of those, you know, those rolling, a rolling sponge, you know, a sponge cake. We want a sponge cake. The other person's like, what, you want a rolling? It's like, you know, they roll it up.

They roll up the sponge cake. And then they just cut away from her. I just love it. It's like a little detail that, like, takes us to the world of Ramona. The camera used to be on me because I was doing weird things. I was being mean to somebody. But now I'm a different person. So when the camera's on me, I'm just talking about tuna or appetizers or, you know, my new restaurant or whatever.

I'm new. I'm new. I mean, tuna. It's new. Whoa. You know what's really weird about this dessert? It reminds me. It reminds me.

Okay. Right now. Okay. It reminds me of when I was a child. Okay. My mother always used to like to make sheet cake. All right. And then one time, one time Geraldine Parsons Smith came over and was like, hey, give me a slice of that sheet cake.

And I said, no, no, this is for me and my mother. And Geraldine Parsons-Smith said, no, you either give that to me or otherwise I'm going to throw it on the ground. And so my mother threw a piece of spaghetti right in her face and she still took a piece of sheet cake. So from that moment on, I only want my cakes to be rolled up, okay? They didn't have to be rolled up in a roulade, okay? That's the only way you eat turkey also, in a roulade, okay? I don't think Ramona will know what a roulade is that word is too fancy for ramona um so then we get to all the ladies are looking basically looking at bethany like she's insane because bethany is acting insane like it's really

fun for tv and i'm loving it but she's acting cray cray prescriptions so everybody's looking at her like she's crazy and the husband husband is like, well, happy birthday to Dorinda. Happy birthday to Dorinda. And Dorinda's like, I don't care if it's my birthday, Mr. Jetson. You know, you turn 10 and then it's all downhill from there. Who wants to make a sandwich? We're all in our 40s. We could do it if we want to.

Who wants to make a sandwich? Sandwich bar open. Mr. Jetson. Birthday sandwich, Mr. Jetson. Then Luann went and did a costume change so that she could make a speech because she needs to wear like 20 outfits. Well, what was funny was how i thought it was funny how like heather like the women half the women like like just retired to the living room to have basically talk shit about bethany and like all of a sudden the dinner was just completely you know cut in

half like because half of them were in the in the corner being like i just don't know i don't know the deal with bethany it's like i'm worried for her like i don't know what's what's happening i like i just want to help I just want to help. I just want to help her. I guess if she doesn't want my help, that's fine. But then fine. She's not going to get any help. Fine then.

No help from me. Yeah, everyone's just begging for your help. Next time she gets a cut, guess who's going to wait to see who else pulls out Neosporin before I do? Okay? It's not going to be me first. I'll still give it to her if no one else has it in their purse. But otherwise, she can wait. She can wait for that Neosporin.

It's like no one is sitting there waiting for a Band-Aid from you, Heather. Cut it out. I know. I know. I like the speeches. Luann's speech. Dorinda, darling. You know, I love Dorinda.

When I first saw her, it was a chemical attraction, a physical attraction. And everyone's like, whoa, did you meet in the hallway of the sex club? Like, what the hell? Oh, I just loved her loved her it's true isn't it dorinda and john we don't really know much about you so my speech except that you're just you know fat and undesirable and a little too handsy and like making sandwiches with kristin but other than, we just really don't know much about you. We don't want a sandwich. And then everybody shouts her down. And then Ramona. I thought that speech couldn't be taught. But then Ramona's speech,

the fakest voice ever. You know why I love you, Dorinda? Because you're genuine. It's like the least way, the least genuine way to call someone genuine. I love this show. We're never going to get past the first five minutes. And then Bethany's toast, like the typical. And then Bethany also, by the way, says this 30 times in this episode.

She's like, all right, all right, here's my test. Look, I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't know him. I don't know the waiter. I don't know anybody here. I don't even know where you got this rug. Where'd you get this rug?

I don't know. I don't know. Who cares? But, you know, cheers. Because I have products and a line and a daughter. Thank you. Hey, you know what? You know what? I just want to say cheers because you have shellfish here. And you know what? because I have products and a line and a daughter. Thank you. Hey, you know what? You know what?

I just want to say cheers because you have shellfish here. And you know what? I can only eat shellfish. I can't have fish. You know what? If I have fish, it's like I die. Like literally like kill me right now because I'm going to die over the fish. Okay?

So cheers to the fish. Everyone else can eat fish. I can't eat fish. All right, fine. Okay, bye. Thank you. And Heather, well, I guess somebody doesn't, you know, feel afraid of attention anymore because people who are afraid of attention don't give speeches.

It's like, bitch, she just doesn't want to talk about her personal life. She's allowed to. It's not like she's going to be like Sarah Plain and Tall sitting in the corner. OK, she can still talk. Sarah Plain and Tall. Wouldn't that be awesome if Glenn Close was in this as Sarah Plain and Tall? Sitting in the corner. OK. Bethany's loud and sharp.

She got attention. And then Bethany realizes, I don't think I'm a good guest. So Heather doesn't, who doesn't understand what wall up means? I wrote, doesn't understand what wall up means. Because someone was like, what is a wall up?

What does it mean you want a wall up? And Heather's like, yeah, wall. Who was it, Ramona? They're like, what is it, a wall? And someone's like, yeah, she just likes her walls. You know, she wants walls. So you know what a wall, like they hold up roofs. Or like when you're going into a garage and a wall comes up and your car can't go in.

She doesn't want a car in garages. She wants a wall. Like, oh, my God, this show. garage and a wall comes up and your car can't go in she doesn't want a car in garages she wants a wall like a garage it's like you know when you go to the mall at 7 p.m and you want to go into a store and there's like grading that's down that's what she has except it's up avery's back uh this scene was so cute i don't know how Ramona and Mario raised such a normal nice girl wait I think you skipped something what did I skip?

and way back no longer cut off were you trying to go away to remember what I forgot? you know what it was? I thought you were talking about a different scene and I realized you were just talking about when Avery gets off the plane or shows up and everything and they're in the taxi cab so you know what you did not skip anything i guess i didn't i guess that was just one little thing i'm just writing down every single detail that that's

all right so the next the next thing that happened the next significant thing that happened is that bethany had a brand summit which i actually thought was pretty cool i mean she had a lot of people there and i didn't it was not like fake they were all they're all like busy important people talking business talk and i was they're talking about indexes and other real sales people because a they're homely and b not that all sales people are homely i just mean like real people and not actors and also they say things like um well i was selling a skinny girl product and somebody asked me about the oatmeal bars and I didn't have the information. I just need the information. I was like, okay, that's a real person because most people wouldn't care.

Well, none of them had microphones, which also meant that they were not worthy enough to be miked. And therefore, that meant that they were real professionals. What information do you need? It's a Skinny Girl granola bar, need? It's a skinny girl granola bar. Okay. It's a granola bar, but for skinny people. Like just go with that salesperson. Do you need me to write you a fucking monologue for every product?

I know. And there was one guy who was talking just in crazy jargon. He was like, well, the index of our margins and the blah, blah. I honestly can't even emulate the jargon he was saying because it was so jargony. I honestly can't even emulate the jargon he was saying because it was so jargony. But the best was that in the middle of this, Sonia shows up, which I can only imagine that Bethany was furious that the producers made her invite Sonia to her brand summit. So Sonia gets there. And then Sonia shows up like 30 minutes late smelling like mothballs and like gum, like her boyfriend's gum that's still in her hair. She's like handing out Werther's Originals to the table.

Like her boyfriend's gum that's still in her hair. She's like handing out Werther's Originals to the table. One thing I've learned is businessmen love candy. She's like, when does the burlesque act start? I've learned this in Abu Dhabi. You want to make a sale? Give them candy first. Works every time. So she's sitting up there and Sonia looks the way I would, which is totally intimidated and out of her league.

She's like, what the fuck? I thought I was going to Cipriani's, which, to be fair, she always thinks she's going to Cipriani's. Every week she's always like, oh, we're going to the accountant? I thought we're going to Cipriani's. Okay, all right, that's fine. Sonia, I thought Brand Summit was a restaurant. I didn't know it was a real thing with a bunch of things on a table. I mean, this is amazing.

Look at all these people. None of them are Indian. Not one of them. Do you know where your things are being released? They've told you? They've given you store names? What is this? It's a mysterious meeting is what it is.

Poor Sonia. She's like, I had no idea about this. This is going to be a full Brand Summit. I must have missed the email. Well, you know, computer number three is down. Pickles. These are the oldest interns I've ever seen in my life. Good for you, Bethany, with old people interns.

Good for you. Those are hard to come by. There are so many people here. There must be like computers four, five, and six, too. I'll have pickles. I'll have pickles write this up. Pickles, bring in your crayons and sit in the corner. It's a brand summit.

I know. I thought it was a restaurant too. She's like, I'm sorry. I thought this would be cereal service. I thought you said it was a brand summit. I didn't realize it was a brand summit. Dumb. I know.

I'm like, I've been so excited. Bethany kind of throws her under the bus when she says, hey, oh, Sonia, you want to talk? Do you want to say something? Do you want to talk? Because she knows Sonia is not going to be able to talk. Sonia is just like, so when you guys are packaging dresses in Ziplocs, what kind of tape do you enjoy for the audience specification of brand summiting? I'm like, oh oh no, Sonia. She's like, if I am going to be talking

about royalties and margins and indexes, furthermore, therefore, paperclips versus bullclips, where do we stand on the issue in terms of annuity and efficiency? She's telling Bethany, oh, Bethany, thank you so much for bringing me here i mean this was like it i felt like i went to college and didn't have to give anyone a blow job for an a thank you so much by the way are there any people i can give blow jobs for an a where are they

so um so then we went back and we saw some more of Ramona with Avery. And really, the only thing that was important to me in all this was not that Avery is now talking with her dad. The only thing that was important to me is that Ramona has now claimed a color for herself. Blue. And you know the blue that she's getting that from was stolen from somebody, right? She's like, I was just getting out of my car and this dress fell out of the trunk and it was blue. And I thought it's meant to be. It's Ramona Blue. It's Ramona Blue.

She's gonna sue the sky next year. Excuse me, that's a variation on Ramona Blue, okay? A lot of people don't know if there's a god or not, but I'm gonna find out, because I'm gonna subpoena his ass, and I'm gonna take back my color. Nobody steals Ramona Blue! My favorite level,

my favorite thing about going to Dorinda's house is that all the walls are painted Ramona Blue, okay? We're calling this Ramona Blue Stone Manor. I love the conversation with Avery. She's like, so Avery, what have you been doing? I've missed you so much. It's been so lonely. And Avery's like, I've been studying and doing papers and I can't go to dinner because i have a paper because i was gonna do it on the plane but there was this really cute guy and he wanted to talk about tutoring and ramona's like did you get his

number does he have a job what what's his family like and avery's like i'm not living in the world just to fuck a rich guy ramona's like okay like just like you know what you know what smart smart that confused blank look that ramona gives when she's just blinking like rapidly blinking like a robot like she's just not sure what she's even supposed to say to that well has your father told me okay i don't want to talk about your father has your father told me that he's trying to get into my pants she's like mom i don't want to talk about it well has he has he told you that I brought him mustard packets from the store? Because I did. I thought of him, but I wasn't really thinking of him. I thought maybe, you know, just

extra, but he was here. Did he tell you he was here? Mom, I don't want to talk about it. Me neither. Me neither. Did your father talk about me? Does your father ever try and sit down and pretend it's my hand instead of the couch? Oh, I love when he does that Mario! Oh, it's so awkward. Avery, you know what?

Sometimes you just have to you just have to be quiet for a second and say everything's gonna be okay okay okay next up we're up to Carol joining a meeting right yeah well now

it's like this is like career woman central episode so the big news is that Kristen is gonna be doing nail polish now because one of Josh's connections wants to do something with Kristen, wants to do nail polish. So she sort of stumbled into it. And so now she's doing nail polish. That explanation scene was amazing. Okay. It was like five seconds long.

like five seconds long. And she's like, Josh came home and he was at this business meeting and they said, you know, we've got some, you know, we've got some business opportunity.

And he's like, well, Kristen loves nail polish. And they're like, perfect. And then he told me and I was like, oh, I love nail polish. I was like,

oh God. I mean, I don't know how she's gonna have time to do this. What with that blog and all. I mean, that's a big, that's a big deal. Blogging's hard,

you guys. Keeping up with WordPress updates, no small feat trust she has to install a plug-in like every six months okay there's no time for nail polish so she brings carol to her brand summit um because carol's a writer yeah yeah because she well they're coming up with names for the nail polish, for pop of color nail polish. And Carol is like, well, sex sells, so let's name a nail polish Thrust and Slide. I want to name nail polish about things that people find sexual, like toddlers or rattles. I've decided, let's name this nail polish AIDS.

It's because it has to do with sex. Let's name this nail polish changing his diaper because you love him. Let's call this one statutory. Let's call this one if he's old enough to farm honey in Nicaragua, he's old enough to farm dry honey out of my Nicaragua. Let's call this one, fuck off Luan.

Let's call this one, fucking somebody on Luan's payroll. Let's call this one, let's play ping pong And leave all the balls Everywhere on the floor Leave all the balls On the floor That's what the A's are for So yeah Her actual names Are even worse than ours

She's like Dangler No it's really Yeah it's like Really Thrust and Slide Those were two of her suggestions Thrust and Slide Thrust I can almost see Thrust

But Slide I mean that makes First of all Out of context People are gonna be like Slide and slide. Those were two of her suggestions. Thrust and slide. I can almost see thrust. But slide, I mean, that makes it... First of all, out of context, people are going to be like, slide? Like, what? Like, going down like a slide? Is this action park and a fingernail? Oh, I read a lot of hate for Carol on the internet and Twitter and all.

I mean, I guess, really, if you look for it, you could find hate about any of the housewives. But I just really have always liked Carol. Oh, I love Carol. We're not very nice to her, but I just if you look for it, you could find hate about any of the housewives. But I just really have always liked Carol. I love Carol. We're not very nice to her, but I just think she's so funny and she's so anti-housewives in so many ways. Like this scene where she's saying, well, I was going to do a nail polish and I was real excited about it. But then, you know, Kristen decided to do one. So that's okay.

She can have all of my work. I'm like, what kind of housewife are you? Normally this would be a five-season feud, you know? Yeah, well, because she's already successful as an author. That's why. So she doesn't give a shit. But you know what, though? I like Carol quite a bit.

I think she's funny. I think she's smart. This season she's gotten a little annoying with some of her comments about, like, if she knew she was going to be this hot, whatever, she would have been a model. Some of her stuff is, like, she's, like, overly coy. Like, what? Me? Like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah, she's desperate to not be 60, for sure.

But you know what, though? I actually don't mind any of it, even though we make fun of it because, like, you have to make fun of it on the podcast. But truth be told, it doesn't bother me at all. And I think she's great. Also, it's fun to make fun of it because as men, we see this with our own friends or dads, whatever, the middle-age crisis thing. So I really like when women go through it too. And they think everybody's going to be jealous they're screwing a 20-year-old. I mean, look, everybody is jealous that you're screwing a 20-year-old the night that you're screwing a 20 year old i mean look everybody is jealous that you're screwing a 20 year old the night that you're screwing him but they're not jealous the next

day when they see you you know like trying to play ping pong and stuff in a bra like yeah so i'm glad that it's kind of equaled out with men and women yeah good i'm for it that's called feminism radzi hey mama thank you for you when men can be as much of a whore as a man and get away with it on national TV, feminism has worked. All right, let's all stop our complaining. Everybody put down your signs. That's right. So then speaking of feminist things, a bunch of the women went then went off to a steak dinner.

It was like Bethany, Ramona, Dorinda and Carol, which, by the way, I love these four together because they, I don't know, it just does something for me. I just feel like they're very sharp and funny and smart, and I just love them gabbing. And I kind of love that they went to a steakhouse. It's kind of a masculine space. And of course, Ramona was like, oh wait, Ramona was there. Never mind. I take it back. I don't like Ramona in the mix.

I like Ramona in the mix. I think it's so funny. No, I mean, I like Ramona to watch it it's funny but i'm saying of like the power girls the ones i want to sit and watch the ones i want to like sit in like gab with in my fantasy ramona would not be in there um i don't know what i'm talking about i think well it started it started with ramona sitting there waiting and then she's looking around all disappointed and then bethany comes in i thought oh my god please do not let it be a conversation between these two because I can't take it.

I just took time on all PM. And it's like, oh, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm late. What is this place? Oh, it smells like meat. Oh, because it's a steakhouse. Where's the meat? Where's everything?

And Ramona's like, where's the dick? Where's the dick? I don't see any dick. And Bethany's like, what are you, a bitch in heat? I didn't know I needed dick. She's like, I need dick. I mean, Mario's not here. We're not together.

I could do whatever I want. I'm a new woman. I'm free. I'm free. Where's the Mario's not here. We're not together. I can do whatever I want. I'm a new woman. I'm free. I'm free. Where's the dick? Oh, my God. But the thing is, Ramona's sort of in this annoying phase that I've seen many people go through, both men and women. But I feel like I see it more with women.

But that may be just my exposure. Like, I may just be around more women, which is when they're fresh out of a relationship. And they want to be, like, yeah, single and ready to mingle. and they want to be like, yeah, single and ready to mingle. And so they talk such a big game about like, yeah, where are the men? Where are the men? I want to see the men.

Or if it was a guy, I'd be like, hey, where are the chicks at? I want to see the chicks. But then when push comes to shove, they always get nervous and they always back away demurely. And then the truth is they're still not ready

and they're still in love with a person that just dumped them. And for some reason, I just hate the facade. I'm like, just i'm like i do want a penis mario's penis with the men with the men in the steak shop where the men's steak shop we're supposed to go to dinner and hit on men like who does that who goes to dinner and hits on men men do not want to be hit on while your mouth is full okay i know hey hey uh have you been using Windex? Because I can really see myself in your pants. Hey, hey, okay.

So then Dorinda arrives in her Carmela Soprano fucking kindergarten graduation fur. I'm like, oh my goodness, Dorinda. Jeez, lady. I love Dorinda, but girl, that's some Long Island Railroad fanciness you got going on there. John got it for me. He stole it from his dry cleaning business. This is on loan. It's from the Teresa Caputo collection.

Now, why did I write? Oh, then I wrote Ramona gossips about Heath. And I'm like, Heath, that's some old news. She's like, did you hear about the joke up? Dead. Dead in its room. The twins from Full House had something to do with it, I'm sure of it. They're going to come out with news soon, I'm sure of it.

Did you see Brokeback Mountain? Okay. Heath Ledger's gay now. Okay. And in fact, by the end of the movie, he turned into a hanger. Okay. He's a full-on hanger. I've never seen someone be a hanger so well.

Okay. Poor Ramona. No, so i guess she's got i guess i'm talking about heather so she brings up so what was up what was up the other day because you were just being totally normal and fine and then heather was acting crazy and you know when i first met heather i didn't like her either she wasn't simpatico i mean what the heck and then they show ramona meeting heather and just ramona being a total C word. And I'm like, you know what? I guess this is similar. This is similar to how you do.

But it was funny because in those early days, I hated Heather so much because Heather was such a C word, too, because Ramona was like, you know, what's funny is that, you know what? You talk a lot. You really do talk a lot. And Heather's like smiling. Oh, my God, that's so funny. I could say the same about you. I'm like, wow, that was. god that's so funny i could say the same about you i'm like wow that was that i mean they both both was at least being like outwardly like like nasty and heather with this big smile

and a laugh as if she's saying oh my god you are so pretty but she's saying oh my god you interrupt you uh and then bethany starts blying about he. And she's like, who does that? Who gives therapy to somebody in a party? I mean, that's just, who does that? So I'm like, you're the woman who goes to therapy on TV. What are you talking about? Like, what is this privacy you speak of? And please start using it.

I know. She's like, who does that? Who starts, like, asking people about their problems, okay? It's like, might as well give you a microphone, okay? Put you on TV and then, like, have, like, your own show. I mean, who does that? Who asks people, complete strangers, to come sit on a couch in front of you and, like, have them just share all their problems okay it's like you might as well give you a microphone okay put you on tv and then like have like a your own show i mean who does that who asks people complete strangers to come sit on the couch in front of you and like have them just share all their problems to you i mean oh my god kill me now i don't know her i don't know her and then the waiter comes to take their order and she's like i'm not giving you my order i don't know you who are you i don't know

you who is he stop asking i don't know stop ask hey waiter get off my jock okay i don't know what i want to drink okay i just have my wall up okay if i have to tell you what i want to drink i will be on the floor crying okay i'm hanging on by a thread right now waiter okay do not ask me what i want to drink okay i used to drink but i used to drink water every morning and then jason stole my water filter and now i can't have it bring me water i'll be on the floor sobbing sobbing i'm literally homeless okay i don't even have a wet bar okay so when you ask me about a martini water, I'll be on the floor sobbing. Sobbing! I'm literally homeless, okay? I don't even have a wet bar, okay? So when you ask me about a martini,

it's like it's killing me, alright? Just kill me right now. Alright? I just, I can't talk about this right now. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry, waiter. You know what? I know you're doing your job. Alright? I just, I have walls up. I need to be closed right now. But let's just, I want to hug you right now, because I genuinely like your service, alright? I just want to hug you and let you know it's not you. It's truly me.

I can't talk about my martini, all right? I'm sorry. Waiter, do you have a comment card? Because I have one thing to write on it. Don't know you. Okay? Back to me, Frankel. You're welcome. You know what, waiter? This is an attack, all right? You came with a gun, and you loaded up with martini questions, and you're shooting it at me? I don't have to stand here,

okay? I'm going. I'm going. Everybody hates Bethany Day. Everybody wants to know what Bethany wants to drink today, okay? And, I don't have to stand here, okay? I'm going. Okay, I'm going. I'm going. Everybody hates Bethany Day. Everybody wants to know what Bethany wants to drink today, okay? And I just don't want to tell you, okay? Guess what? There's like a million bottles out there. They all have my face on it. That's what I want to drink, all right?

That's what I want to be with. You know the bottles with the skinnier version of Petaflor as the logo? I want that. That's what I want. Why are you even asking me, okay? Literally, I own millions of bottles of wine and margaritas okay so why you even ask me what i want to drink i have more to drink than i even know what to do with okay enough then carol arrives okay and this is the other thing this

is the other phrase that everybody who is kind of sticking up for Heather, everybody says the same thing to Bethany. Well, you know, she's a fixer. And then Luann's like, Bethany, she's a fixer. That's what Heather does. She fixes. Like, what has Heather ever fixed? Could anybody point one thing out that Heather has ever fixed? I've never seen Heather fix

anything, okay? Heather destroys everything and I don't want to hear about her stolen Spananks empire either because she heather probably looks at that is like listen sure spanks was out first but it was flawed and i fixed it because i'm a fixer and that's what yummy is yummy here's the problem here's the problem with this whole fixer bullshit if we go back to that dinner party when bethany was hungry or was talking about she was just telling them like basically don't bring out like the non-shellfish for me because I can't eat it. And then Heather was like, well, what?

Do you want to eat this? Do you want to eat this? Do you want to eat this? And it wasn't coming from a I want to fix it place. It was – first of all, it was nosy. It had nothing – she – it wasn't her place to offer her food. It wasn't her party. And second of all, she was doing it in a way that was almost like hey i'm doing

something for you and now i'm offering something to you and if you reject it this means you reject me blah blah blah it was like you're such you really are so much of a better person than me because i took it as heather being like look bethany doesn't want to eat what's being served because bethany had a talk show does anybody know so she can't just eat fish like that. Well, I think it was that too. I think it was too. No, I think it's both. I actually think it was both because it's both like oh, okay, you're rejecting me and then look like it's a way of

there's an element of undermining Bethany because Bethany has in some way, ever since Bethany told Heather that she was the plus one at her birthday party, Heather feels boxed out, which is what we'll get to soon enough. But Heather has felt boxed out on some level. So now every time they talk, there are these very subtle, almost like masterful, passive-aggressive remarks and comments.

And Bethany picks up on them and she can't stand them. So when they talk about that Heather is a fixer, no. No, Heather is not a fixer. This was not a fixing. This was not a homecoming fix. Heather has never fixed anything on this show, at least. And also, passive-aggressive behavior works against weak people. Passive-aggressive behavior does not work against aggressive behavior.

Like, it's just no match. You're never going to beat somebody being passive-aggressive aggressive they'll just punch you yeah there's no passive you know absolutely absolutely but and that's that's yeah oh sorry no no go ahead i didn't have i did not have any point that was really going to be that relevant so i'm just going to mute myself i was just going to move on to the um sex talk because then the ladies start doing that sex talk thing because ramona's free and new and bethany's like listen i don't need to ever suck another dick in my life i don't even care like i don't need anything inside of me um it's disgusting i mean i'll let him do it if he wants

to but like gross and i love that bethany's just so out of the closet about being frigid because that's a huge part of our society you guys guys, that nobody talks about. Porn for people who don't like fucking is called Pinterest, okay? It may not be called Pornhub, but it's still the obsessive behavior. They may not be touching their vagina or their penises, but, you know, there's still other things. And that's a whole movement of people out there. So you know what, Bethany? Congratulations and thank you. Yeah.

Thank you. Let it go. Oh, Frozen She's like, I have a skinny girl tie-in with a happy meal There's nothing inside of it Except a little tiny vodka And a frozen vagina That's it

Enjoy, kids So then, we then move on To our next dinner function Which is at Ramona's restaurant It's called AOA And Ramona decided to have a dinner. It was, you know, it was sort of like a goodbye to the year, hello to the new year, pre-Christmas party.

Okay? Okay? And I love Bethany. I love Bethany so much because you know what? Like, she has a wall and I have a wall. And sometimes it's like two walls and the ceiling's kind of staying up because there's two walls.

And you're like, we can keep the ceiling up together. And then the ceiling falls down and kills everybody inside. But we're still standing. And we tell each other, you know why we're standing? Because we're walls. That's why. We're two walls. We're best friends.

We're like big giant monuments in China, okay? Great walls. Great walls of China. So you can see us from space. So they're at this dinner. So first of all, Ramona's hosting it, and she's got some shitty-ass friend with, like, basically a reject from Secrets and Wives who's there.

And at one point, there's, like, this one random little velvet rope that's been put up to signify that there's a private party ramona's private party and someone's like oh why are we roped off and this woman's like well the other people they're not our kind of people i was like what what the fuck and i loved bethany was funny because bethany was like what because they haven't had like you know 10 years of vaginoplasty on their face yeah that lady's face oh my god good lord woman stop she's like these are not our people look at all these moving faces it's disgusting i know she looked like the michelin man had been melted down and smeared all over her face she looked like a Santa Maria candle that someone forgot to put out before bed. That's a Santa Ogia.

Good Lord. Put it away. She looked like a pacifier that had been left out in the sun. So what happened here? Oh, yeah. So then Kristen starts her. Oh, I don't like. Well, first of all, Ramona goes over to Bethany and she's like, hey, Beth.

No, that's Heather. She's like, hey, look, let's talk about Heather because I don't understand what was happening at Heather's the other day. I'm like, do you not remember already talking about this on your dick search? Come on, lady. Not again. Oh, my God. And then Kristen's like, I don't. You know what? I feel boxed out because everybody's

like boxing me out i feel like there's a box with stuff inside of it and i don't even know what it is it's like someone got a boxy charm and i'm not part of the makeup i don't like it i don't appreciate it i feel like i'm being boxed out like i feel like i'm so boxed out that someone's sweat is getting on my knee because i'm just at a boxing match and i'm on the outside of it okay yeah don't you guys remember that time that somebody sweat on me? I mean, that was horrible. Nobody supported me. Nobody even cared.

Kristen trying way too hard. And even her husband. Remember that time when my maid made me Thai food and then I didn't know whether or not to eat it. Like, why can't people share that moment with me? I feel boxed out. Remember when my maid made dinner and then I had her put it in a box so I could save it for later? I stood outside that box and I was like jealous of Thai food. I mean, that's sad. That's sad. I was so boxed out. I was jealous of the Thai

food in the box. Do you guys remember when I took pictures from my blog in the meatpacking district and then I put them on my blog and I only got like 400 visitors? I felt so boxed out for my Alexa ranking. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There areK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Poor, stupid Kristen. She's really trying. I think someone was like, Kristen, you're going to get fired because you've only been sweat on this whole year.

And so she was like, oh no, who should I fight with? They're boxing, boxing out. Someone said boxing out to somebody because now they're all saying it. So Kristen's going to try and have this fight with Bethany. Well, what happened first first what happened first is uh everyone walks into the everyone walks into the restaurant there's like a five minute montage everyone's saying hi hi kissing on cheeks and stuff uh and

then immediately beth bethany and heather like hi how's it going and then it cuts to each of them in like the interviews being like she is such a cold bitch i'm like what that seemed like a very slow okay so then um so yeah so ramona is talking to bethany they're having a conversation of course about heather and who knows what and then kristin is just like staring from across the room and she's like she's i feel so boxed out i just i'm so boxed out so then she goes to talk to carol and carol decides to stir the pot and she's like well you know what what Bethany told me was that you don't actually have a trademark on your nail polish called Pop of Color. And she thinks you're stupid. Yeah.

She said you're so dumb you didn't even get a trademark on Pop of Color. And P.S. Good luck naming something blue because Ramona trademarked that already. Sorry. Okay. Bye. Have a good night and then she that was a real trademark sorry and then she just runs off and then she laughs to the camera she's

like i'm just trying to help move things along carol is so evil at this angle so before so before we get to kristen we're gonna get back to christen so christen is now roiling and uh meanwhile luann comes over to bethany and is like darling darling how are you feeling okay what's wrong have you been worried about you the other day when you just lost it at dinner i mean first you were saying finfish which i've never even heard that term i mean what is a finfish? I mean, come on. I've never heard it. I mean, we're worried about you.

Fin fish? Unless you're speaking in French, which meant you were trying to finish with fish. Like, you know, fin fish is how it would be pronounced. Actually, it would be fin poisson. I really wish you'd get it together, Bethany. Did you mean the tourist finish? Because you weren't even saying it right.

I mean, fin fish? I mean, come on, Bethany. You're making America look bad. We were all worried. All of us. We were all rooting for you, Bethany. What? What?

What do you want? What do you want from me? What do you want? So I was there. I was there. I couldn't eat a fish. I mean, what do you want? What do you need that's more than that?

But you were crying, Bethany. I mean, tears. So what? So I was crying. I mean, I was crying. I was very sad. It was a sad day. I mean, what?

What do you want from me? Are we or are we not friends? Or as the French say, est-ce que nous sommes amis? Or as the Finnish say, we're not finfish. Are we or are we fish? Fish are the same fish. I don't know what that means. You got me all confused, Bethany, with this this finfish shock i can't even make fish metaphors correctly are you okay so then but i love by the way in the middle so so bethany starts to get mad because luann is kind of like up to no good she's basically like i was concerned next thing i saw you were crying what i might have to cry my walls i have to cry so then i loved in the middle of this um dorinda walk comes over for a second she doesn't even she doesn't even she doesn't even say like hey girl she just comes over she just goes ow and then she walks away i actually wrote

down because she goes i didn't even notice that she just went back to vacuuming the restaurant it was so quick all you saw was her shoulder, and all you heard was, uh-oh. Because she doesn't go, uh-oh. She goes, uh-oh. And then Bethany goes on one of her quad rants that makes no sense. I mean, what's with Luanne? I mean, Luanne used to be like Switzerland. You know, Switzerland. And now she's like Swiss furniture at Ikea. Like, I don't even understand the tools.

Like, what are these tools? What's the L? How am I supposed to put together a dresser with some screws that are different sizes and an L with a square in the middle? Like, I don't know. I mean, what's Luanne doing? That dresser's going to fall over. That's all I have to say. You know what, Luanne?

What are you even talking about? What? Luanne, you're supposed to be—you know what? You're supposed to be Switzerland, okay? So why don't you go off and make a clock, all right? Make a clock, and then make a watch. Make a watch with a clock you put around your wrist, and then eat some chocolate, okay? Because I don't need you right now to interfere, okay?

Okay? Listen, get away. Your cheese with holes in it, okay? I don't eat cheese. I don't eat things okay? Okay? Okay? Get out of my hair. Your cheese has holes in it, okay? I don't eat cheese. I don't eat things with holes in it. Just get out of here. I hate holes. Have you heard me?

I don't like holes. All right, Switzerland? Get out of here, Swiss cheese. You know what? You know what? Why don't you go up to a mountaintop and blow an Alpenhorn, okay? You know what? Just get out of my hair, all right?

What are you, a hot chocolate? What are you, a hot chocolate right now? Get out of here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. How about I put you in some hot water and make some instant hot chocolate, all right? All right? Just get out of here. But, Bethany, about I put you in some hot water and make some instant hot chocolate, all right? All right? Just get out of here. But, Bethany, I mean, you were crying, Bethany.

Crying. Crying. I mean, one moment you're laughing. One moment you're crying. I mean, I know that you were stressed, but tears? I just love that that's the downfall of man, Luann. Yeah. This is everything that went wrong in the world was because somebody cried. I mean, man up already. Jacques didn't

even cry when I left him. Tears, Bethany? Tears. I mean, I didn't even cry when my daughter's friends got drunk and passed out in a bush, okay? And that was certainly tear-worthy. I just laughed. Because children.

But anyway, they start getting into it. She's like, what you deliver don't deliver don't deliver nasty things in nice packages okay don't deliver nasty things in harry and david's basket all right it's like what i'm just i'm very straight up bethany i'm just telling you she's like be straight with me you know what i like people who are straight with me she's like but i am i mean tears no i want. I love that Luann is being honest. She's like, you're an emotional basket case and everyone's worried about you. And Bethany is like, just tell me how you feel. That is how she feels. You're a basket case and everybody's worried about you.

What way do you need her to say that? Walls. Walls. Walls. Switzerland. Walls are up. Walls are up. Walls are up around Switzerlanditzerland nobody's coming in here

you can get your shit you can get your shitty l-shaped furniture someplace else all right yeah like sweden where real ikea is um okay so then we've got them fighting over nothing and then behind them you see this little blonde this little blonde head trying to poke in. She's like, can I interrupt yet? Kristen, can I interrupt yet? And Luanne goes, no. It was like, no. I can't even get my voice deep enough. So good.

I'm sorry, darling. But no, this is a very important. I didn't mean to box you out or make you feel marginalized all right this is just like luann's like listen i'm so sorry darling i know that was rough it's just more like just think of it like we're in a box and you're not in it okay and we just can't have you in our box right now that's all just think of it that way listen when there are more than two shoes in a box there's three shoes and you need a third leg and listen nobody wants to be the third leg. So hobble

on over to the other side of the restaurant and lean on that stool until someone's able to make you whole again. Okay? Darling, darling, this is all that we're trying to say, okay? Just imagine we're like at a stadium, alright? And you're in the bleachers and we're in a luxury box. And there's just no more room in our box for you. So you just sit out there all the way in the outfield and we'll be up

here with a champagne. That's it. And we'll call you when you're welcome into the box poor kristen she's like but i have something to talk about too i don't care wait wait so kristen here's a box it's a suggestion box just just write down what you have to say and put it in the box that way you can feel like you're in a box it'll be a separate box i mean you'll still be in a box but boxed out of our box. But still, a box is a box, right? I'm so sorry, Kristen. We're just going to go to Jack in the box. But we'll let you know when.

This has never been the restaurant for you. Standing. Listen, if anybody truly loves us out there, they will send some boxy charm to Kristen. Because if anybody deserves some boxy charm, it's Kristen. Darling, I'm just so sorry. there's a function of box brothers and i i don't i think it's invite only so i'm sorry you just cannot um so she's waiting in line basically to fight with bethany which is hilarious so so then didn't she start talking to somebody else too? Bethany moved on to somebody else too and started talking to them. And Kristen was like, it's my turn.

I have something to say too. I have something to say too. So finally Bethany's like, all right. So she goes and sits on those weird side stools. Kristen, first of all, you feel boxed out because you're sitting next to the fire exit on like extra stools for when they need extra stools at the bar. Like that's not even a real sitting place that's the that's the fire exit listen i would be i would be horrified to have to be in the creative meetings with kristen because you know they're all saying they're like

listen for this like nail color we really want to think out of the box and then she just starts to cry why even at my own nail polish meeting why the names the name of the line is out of the box. It's called bag. And the colors are not invited. No RSVP for you. Have fun alone with your mates. Hey, Kristen, we got a new box of the new nail polish. Why didn't I get a box?

Gosh, Josh. So she starts talking to somebody else. I don't even remember who it is. And then finally Bethany sits down with her. Bethany had another moment with Heather. She's like, listen, listen, I just, you know, I really want to be friends with you, okay? I just really want to be friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Heather's like,

well, all I can say is, okay. Yeah, all I can say is you know where I am and when you're ready to be a good girl and you're ready to finish your chicken fingers you can come sit next to me and I'll watch you with a big smile on my face and until then I support you but from a distance

I'll always love you because you came out of me but I'm not always going to like you so just go sit over there and Bethany's like yeah well I just want you to know I'm sorry I going to like you. So just go sit over there. And Bethany's like, yeah, well, I just want you to know I'm sorry. I mean, look, so I may hate you, but I can, you know, I could do it less loudly because that was rude. It was rude how loud I was. That's right.

That's right. So then finally Kristen gets her moment with Bethany. They go over to sit in like a French window or something. And Kristen just starts off just so poorly she starts off on a very aggressive tone and but on top of that she doesn't really know how to be aggressive like that when she gets aggressive she just whines and she's also giving a speech she's like i want you to know my my my nail polish line like i am really really really passionate about it beth is probably like what the i am so passionate i just want you to know i'm really passionate about nail polish like i am like

it is like five days old and i have so much passion for it it's like it could be a soap opera from the mid 2000s because it could be called. I used to sit down and dream about what I was going to do with my life, you know, because I was a model and stuff. And that just opens the door. And I would sit there and I would make goals and I would dream. And while I did that, I would be putting on nail polish. I mean, it's a huge part of my life. And Bethany's like, um.

I don't know if you've been reading my blog lately, but if you have, you might have seen that I love nail polish. And I wrote like a 500-word thing that talked partially about nail polish. Nail polish is in. I don't know if you've heard, but women are painting their nails. And Bethany's like, oh, my God, this is worse than a penis in my face. Jesus Christ, Jason's penis. Get out of my face.

Yeah, so she just basically starts attacking Bethany. And, like, not even in a nice way. She's like, I heard that you said this. I heard that you said this, da-da-da-da. And Bethany's like, well, fuck this. Bethany just gets up and walks away. I'm like, hey, great job, Kristen, trying to connect with someone. That'll really help you, like, get boxed in now.

Like, you know it's a good way to make people want to hang out with you more and include them in the conversation. If you just attack them, that's a good way to make people want to hang out with you more and include them in the conversation. If you just attack them, that's a great way to do it. And then we get the housewives play-by-play by Carol and Luann, who I'm so mad are fighting because I really like them together. I think we said that last week. But I really do like them together. And Carol's telling Luann the gossip or whatever. And she feels bad and blah, blah, blah.

And then they're watching this whole thing go down. And when it finishes, Luanne goes, ouch. And Carol goes, ouch. And Luanne says, well, I mean, at least Bethany will yell at Heather. I mean, just getting cut off, that's even worse. I mean, it's like she just got boxed out from being boxed out.

I mean, Heather got a storyline out of it. This girl's not even going to make it onto the box. Isn't that ironic? She's like a lady in the Avengers, just boxed out left and right. And then that was it. Everyone feels sorry because Kristen can't get screen time. I love this show. In a weird way, I actually, like, I understand where Kristen's angst is coming from because I've been in that situation where I felt like I've been boxed out for reasons I don't understand why.

And it's like I was like, we almost want to be like, hey, just like, listen, like we could be good friends. But like, you don't want to talk. You're not giving me a chance. And then you want to like scold them, be like, you're not giving me a chance. We could be good friends. But of course, if you do that, you will never be good friends. I get that. Well, just a hint. You should probably say, you want to go to lunch and get to know each

other instead of, you're a bitch and you called me a bitch and blah, blah, blah. And Bethany's way of dealing with it was hilarious. We didn't even mention that. Bethany just walks away. She's like, I gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta go. Walls up. Walls up. Don't try and drive your car through here. You're gonna just crash it. Close the wall behind me. Wall behind me. Wall in up. Don't try and drive your car through here. You're going to just crash it. Close the wall behind me.

Wall behind me. Wall in front of me. I'm just going to make a maze of walls and start wandering around here until I'm done with you. You know what? I just have a wall. Where are you going? Come back here. And Bethany laughs in her face and goes, no.

She's like, I'm not saying that you're boxed out, but what I am saying is I've got walls in every direction, which sort of makes me in a box. So, fine. I don't know you. I don't know you. Who are you? Who are you? You're some girl sitting on a stool. I don't know you. Who are you? Who are you? You're some girl sitting on a stool. I don't know you.

Who are you? Yeah. What does it take for Bethany to actually know you? Because she's known these women now for months, and she's still saying things to Dorinda like, I mean, look, what was I supposed to do? I was at your party. I don't know you. That's what she said to her daughter.

Who do you know? You don't know anybody. She's probably saying to Brynn like, listen, I know you're crying right now. I know you're having a tantrum, but like, said to her daughter. Who do you know? You don't know anybody. She's probably saying to Brynn, like, listen, I know you're crying right now. I know you're having a tantrum. But, like, what do you want me to do about it? Okay, I've only known you for about, like, two years, okay? I've got some friends I go back for ten years and I still don't do anything for them, okay? So, like, if you're going to cry, I only know you for two years, all right?

So, I'm sorry, Brynn. You just got to, like, suck it up, all right? I'm sorry. I never saw you around the racetracks. Who are you, Brynn? Who are you? I don't know you. I know horses older than you.

Get out of here. Stop talking to me. You don't go back, okay? Like, I don't know you from anyone horses older than you get out of here stop talking yeah you don't go back okay like i don't know you from anyone okay bren so just you know stop crying why is jason calling me for money i don't know him i don't know him i mean what i knew him for a couple of years in a spinoff that's it i don't know him now i mean he could be doing god knows what now hello my name is whatever i mean i don't even know what's on his name tag who is he who is he i don't know him i don't even i don't even know my own mother okay like i don't know anyone okay i'm just i have walls walls everywhere walls left right I don't know him. I don't even know my own mother, okay? I don't know anyone, okay? I'm just... Walls.

Walls. Everywhere. Walls. Left, walls, right, right. I don't see people, okay? I'm in a wall. I'm closed off. I just want to be closed.

I want to be closed. I want to be closed. So what would you like to do next, Ben? We've got the Shaws of Sunset and Secrets and Wives. We should probably do Shaws, right? I know we should do Shaws. I want to do Secrets and Wives only because I want people to watch the show but we should do shahs okay yeah we shouldn't you know because they'll just turn it off when they get to secrets and wives because people i can't ever tell on our um facebook

page i mean well some people we can't derrick derrick's like please pretend this show is dead and never was here mr jetson i don't want to talk about it i don't want to see it this is what shahs or secrets and wives secrets and wives he's like just pretend it doesn't exist and that's darren's voice i've given darren um the coffee talk mixed with dorinda voice you're welcome darren or derrick uh derrick hazleton our beautiful listener he was like please don't talk about secrets and wives i'll kill that show and then myself like okay well well you can you can fast forward to the shah's part that's the glory of a podcast you can always fast forward people yeah that's right fast forward because i'm sorry but this train wreck i can't excuse watching gallery girls uh game of crowns what i mean what

are some of the worst things we've watched princesses i cannot excuse watching those and then skipping secrets and and Wives, especially when this one is all about husband abuse. Okay, so here's the thing. We mentioned this last week. Every summer for probably the past five years, Bravo launches a

show that's about really awful white women, and it gets terrible ratings, and yet it's actually some of the best shit that Bravo ever puts out, and no one watches it, and yet it's actually like some of the best shit that bravo ever puts out and no one watches it and every year we get into it and then the show goes away and we never see it again and i am sick of it because this show is cracking me up it's not you know gallery girls at the top probably followed by game of crowns and princesses um this probably this is probably number four i don't know what else is in that mix

but it's a funny show and someone posted on our page that it got like half a million viewers a 60 drop off from real housewives and i'm pissed off why does this keep happening yeah um i don't think this is going to suffer that same fate because i read somewhere actually i read in the comment section over at trash talk tv the recaps are so funny there by the way of this show um i read that they're already shooting season two so this must have been on lives this yeah they said they saw them shooting somewhere so i guess that they've already been picked up i mean i don't know maybe they're just shooting it by themselves who knows what these women i mean this could be one of their husbands just walking around with the camera and as we learned in the shah's, you never know who's filming you.

When Andy said, well, did one of you take the footage of Mike and Gigi going into the hotel room? And they were all like, I don't know. No one would admit to it. I mean, Jesus Christ, people. We'll get to that later. But you never know who's filming is what I'm saying in these shows. It could be just Corey following everyone around with like a flip cam, you know? Yeah, I think this show, Secrets and Wives, is very funny.

It's just these trashy women. They just crack me up. It's good. It's good. I think people should watch it. Watch it. Hate watch it, people. Just hate watch it.

Hate watch it. It's totally worth it. And the fights are so stupid. I love it. I personally love it because it's like the aftermath of princesses long island like you get everything you wanted you get that prince who's going to support you and do everything and then you realize you're a maid and then you're stuck you know yeah it's reverse cinderella yeah it's like cinderella shows up at the ball the prince loves her and then he breaks a shoe on

her face you know and cuts her so no one else will love her and then pushes her down the stairs and then yeah well down the stairs. And then someone's eating the pumpkin car or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and the difference is that Prince Charming spent two years in jail on stock market fraud and then has now stuck buying seats from Tyrone's. um so uh okay so it starts off with uh uh like uh uh liza and andy lying in bed that was that was the previous previously on secrets and wives the very last thing was unparalyzed lizzie grubman is paralyzed everyone she's paralyzed sorry go ahead no i just love her mom comes in someone one of our um one of our listeners tweeted at us let me see if i can pull

up the the listener real quickly our listener tweeted at us that um that uh the the mom actually looks like divine i was like that is so yes I know that's been posted on there quite a bit. Lori just posted a really good picture of that. But people have been posting. Sorry, we're bad with names when we're trying to figure out who's posting. There's a lot of good posts over there. Yeah. Speaking of Twitter, wait, quick little break. Sorry.

Sorry to break this. But people on Twitter are asking, oh, I love Reddit. I used to go to Reddit all the time to read Housewives stuff. I haven't been lately, though, because i was spending hours in there but anyway uh reddit's people on reddit are asking if we'll do and ask me anything on there in ama you want to do one sure i don't care yeah hell yeah we'll do it just tell us what time and yes i will stop saying the c word have you noticed today i've actually said c word a lot but not you know the actual word did you get any flack oh yeah she's saying i love you guys but please stop saying that word i will i'm sorry sorry um okay so so okay so so the ama let's

do it yeah so uh liza's mom divine walks in and she is by the way the queen of the bump it like if bump it will never go out of business as long as this woman is alive she has like the bump it is the thing that you put in your hair to give it a bump make it make it high anytime you see well i shouldn't say anytime but a lot of times when if you see a woman like in her hair like goes up in a swoop it's because of a bump it oh i've always pictured those like a prosthetic those weird foam things from hobby lobby that people make wreaths out of you know your mom buys like plastic leaves and she's like, just stick them through the foam. You're like, well, I made a thing. But you can still see that white underneath.

Yeah, that's what a bump it is. Oh, well, there you go. I had it right in my head. It's like a speed bump. It's like a speed bump that you put in your hair. Some man tried to drive over my hair today. The mom. Oh, my God.

So the big news this episode is that everyone's going to Gurney's. Everyone's going to Gurney's. Okay, is everyone excited to go to Gurney's this weekend? We're going to go to Gurney's everyone's going to Gurney's. Everyone's going to Gurney's. Okay, is everyone excited to go to Gurney's this weekend? We're going to go to Gurney's. Weekend at Gurney's. I'm like, what the hell is Gurney's? What the fuck is this thing?

And I felt stupid because I'm like, it's probably like an amazing resort that everyone knows about except for me. But seriously, they're talking about Gurney's as if they're going to Xanadu. I mean, jeez, calm down, ladies. Well, you know this is a very, very dramatic show because it starts off with Corey's broken sprinkler. And she's like, oh, my God, look at that. A sprinkler, it's broken. Oh, my life.

Sandy, the sprinkler. Sandy, what's happening? And he's like, a sprinkler's broken. She's like, oh, God, my life. And then there's some old man standing out on the lawn just watching the sprinkler. And he's like, hey, what's up? Got a broken sprinkler, huh?

Yeah, sprinkler. It's a sprinkler. Oh, my life. I know. And then the working brunette, Susan. Liza and Andy are talking about how Susan talks shit about her or whatever. And they're like, Andy's like, she suggested that you get a job. And she's like, ah,

who does that? Who says that? She talks about me in my own backyard. This might be someone else's backyard next week, but right now it's mine. Nobody talks about me in my almost not mine anymore backyard. Who does that? I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed.

I can't get out of bed do I have waking dreams right now because I feel paralyzed I'm paralyzed and then all the ladies meet over for some soul cycle they go to the soul cycle by the way this is one of the reasons

why I hate spinning because women like these the women that populate these bikes, just these old Long Island overdone, made up plastic surgery that women who sit there, oi, too much. Soul suckle.

Yeah, those women, what was I going to say? Oh, this is like cafes. It's kind of like a cafes because she, Corey says, it's a one-stop beauty shop for everything you need. We lipstick anal relaxes spinning classes i was like wait wait wait go back to anal relaxers what what's a relaxer i was like she's like business has been down ever since someone confused the anal relaxer for the lipstick so things have been there's been some problems we need to consolidate a brand a little bit

and at least they're not like cut fitness at least they have too many things on their shelves they're like well we gotta take the anal relaxes off the shelves okay people are getting confused we're only selling seven of them and the husband's like what anal relaxing those are huge those are a huge hit she's like we sold seven in a year listen you need to stop worrying about people in the neighborhoods assholes all right? And he's like, whoa. Listen, if your husband is wearing orange plastic sunglasses that match his orange shorts and is talking about anal relaxing after his blow dry job, you may start thinking about where your marriage is headed. Because I don't think it's anywhere good. That's a truck stop Timmy, if you ask me. He like i'm stopping at the dairy queen honey she's like okay ah i love sandy

speaking i wonder why sandy doesn't kiss me anymore because he probably smells like sperm breath let's just be he's just trying to be nice to you speaking of speaking of uh tragedies um we have gail gail shows up to the spin class in pigtails. I mean, this was like, if there ever was a woman grasping for her youth, it's this woman, Gail, showing up like that. Oh my god, am I late? Am I late? Which seat do I have? Oh my god, I always love sitting in the front row of the ride.

These women all kind of look like other housewives, as we've talked about before. But Gail is Camille Grammer. She's like a poor Camille Grammer. um these women all kind of look like other housewives as we've talked about before but gail is camille grammar she's like a poor camille grammar the way her face got so serious on that bike and she was acting like the very first scene of real housewives that camille was in when she was like this is my dance studio and then she did that terrible dancing but like really seriously you know yeah like took it way too seriously that was this woman's face on the bike it was camille season one again i was like oh my god in a few years we're gonna see her in a golf cart you know just taking hagrid around the grounds of a park or something because you know

she ain't gonna have a mansion but she'll be like there's a tree that frazier used to pee on let me let me take you on a tour of northern boulevard so um so uh but i loved also though how like susan like like gail and susan have this like the simmering animosity and the way it comes out is like these stupid comments like afterwards when they're like toweling off and susan like tells uh gail she's like oh i need to look in the mirror and you would block my mirror like you got to get out of the way yeah it was like a small little thing like haha you're in the mirror and you would block my mirror. Like you got to get out of the way. Yeah. It was like the small little thing like, ha ha. You in the way of my mirror. You got to move over next time.

Yeah. Typical. You know, I go to a spinning class and I'm a working woman. So nobody, you know, nobody accepts me because I have a job, people. A job. All right. And then somebody comes and sits right in front of me. I mean, how am I supposed to see my Bonnie Rubble body if you're standing right in front of me?

You know, I'm never going to change with you right in front of me. And she's like, well, maybe you could move to the side then. How about you get a job instead? That way it won't be in front of my mirror. A mirror. Then we see Amy in her new car that Arthur bought her. And yes, it's a Bentley. Just kidding.

It's a convertible used bug. I know. It's like a Fiat or something. She's like, oh, my God, Arthur. He really cares about me. Arthur loves me. I mean, yesterday the cigarette lighter fell out and Arthur said, hey, who smokes cigarettes anymore anyway? And then threw it at my head.

I love him. I mean, it's romantic, isn't it? We're going to go to the Bahamas. And it's really a very big deal for us. It's going to be a huge milestone. It's going to be the first time he beats me overseas. And it's really a very big deal for us. It's going to be a huge milestone.

It's going to be the first time he beats me overseas. Listen, we've been wanting to go on abuse vacation to the Bahamas ever since we heard that Eminem and Rihanna song. Because, you know, that's where she's from. I mean, when he sang about burning her in the bed, I was like, we're going. Did they mention the hotel? I can't wait to make an embarrassing scene in front of strangers in a different country. Oh, my God. It's going to be amazing.

Oh, God. Rihanna's hometown. Barbados, actually. Rihanna's homeland where we all go. Wait, what did you say? Rihanna's from Barbados, not the Barbados. Never mind. God damn, what is wrong with me? I don't even have Google. I'm sorry, Rihanna.

That was a completely tasteless beating joke and it could have been done more properly. I'm sorry. so then we had that inventory scene which we talked about which is like no big deal and then we had um then there was like a cross cut between two different people two different groups having uh dinner one was susan and her lug of a husband i think john and then the others was like liza and andy having going to dinner with their mothers. And I don't know.

Just hearing these women talk, I just keep cracking up. Like when the waiter comes over and Liza's like, do you have artichoke? Artichoke? You have artichoke? Okay, girl, I'll have an artichoke, please. Yeah, I want an artichoke. I like it juicy. Ooh!

I like it juicy. Get it, girls? And everyone's like, hey, listen, I want to make sure that artichoke has taste to it, girls. And everyone's like... Hey, listen. I want to make sure that artichoke has taste to it, all right? Make sure it has taste. It's an artichoke, okay? I'm sorry. There actually is no taste to it.

What? I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed. Instant artichoke paralyzation. Get me in bed like an artichoke. Instant artichoke paralyzation. I can't move.

I can't feel my hands. Someone feel the artichoke for me. Someone feel it. I can't feel my hands. Someone feel the auto-choke for me. Someone feel it. I can't feel my hands. They're not moving. They're like putty. And then meanwhile, Susan is having this disgusting dinner with her husband, and she's trying to sell us on the fact that it's no big deal that he was

in jail. She's like, so what if he's an ex-con? He committed a stock market crime. No big deal. No big whoop. Well, before we even get to that didn't she have her relate wasn't she actually with her husband i'm trying to figure out which part this is was this a part where she was having lunch with her husband or where they were all together at the end no no this was this was when they were having dinner they're having dinner a separate dinner that was getting cut back and forth between it's going back and forth between these two dinners so her dinner was with her husband and he's like hey babe remember when we had sex in mcdonald's parking lot and she's like yeah

but remember i gave you a blowjob before then on the way there he's like yeah right after he got out of prison yeah yeah remember when i got jail we had sex in mcdonald's parking lot remember that yeah yeah we did it twice and he goes remember when you blew me first it was a blow job and she's like oh my god such romantic times you know she's like and then we got and then we got a six-piece mcnugget meal right afterwards got a milkshake then and then i called work because i'm a working woman and that's what i had to do because you were in prison and I'm independent. Working! Yeah, you know what I said to you as soon as you got out of jail? You know what? Get a job. Get a job. So I gave you a blowjob

and then I said get a real job. Me and Will had dinner. All the moms Liza's mom was like horny as fuck. She's like, I haven't had a man in forever. I looked down there I saw cobwebs. Then I saw spiders and the spiders turned me on. And the other mom who

was just talking about like something she's like oh one time i looked down at my vagina and i just wish there was a teenager there and she's like yeah well this spider's coming out of mine and they turned me on and then the other old woman's like oh that's disgusting i can't even look at her like what are you like like these women are so. I love that we get to see their future and it's still sad. I know. Oh, my God. By the way, I just have to say, Waiters on Bravo. I don't know why I'm obsessed with Waiters on Bravo, but the waiter on this show comes up to the table.

Is that you're ready? Like chomping gum with his mouth open. He's like, OK, I'll give you some time. And walked off. It's a classy place. It's Long Island. It's very sophisticated North Shore. This is Waterbury. So,

I don't know. I have this note down. I forget the scene, why this appeared, but at one point we cut to Gail in her interview, and I wrote down that she was wearing a Mylar Jr. prom decoration as her dress. It was this shiny thing that was wrapped around her boobs.

It's like, my goodness, this show. The visuals on this show. Gail's a mess and she's the quietest one so we're going to see because I think she's going to be the biggest a-hole in the whole bunch. Well, it's kind of funny because the first episode, her husband was bossing her around and just being totally mean to her.

And then this episode, it went the other way. He was the one who was quiet. She was like, okay, pick that up. Pick that up. Put that in the car. Do that. No, no, you can sit with me. You sit with me.

Okay, you're late. You're late. Hurry up now. Come on. Open the door for me. Okay. Loved it. I can't tell.

Yeah, but I'm still at dinner. I'm still at this dinner scene because I can't get over this. I mean, it was not just the, remember when I gave you a blowjob after prison. I like when she tells him, you don't write me letters anymore like you did in jail. I mean, when you sent me letters from jail, that was so romantic. And he's like, yeah, but I'm not getting blowjobs from like toothless teenagers that, you know, got pulled over with marijuana either. You know, like how many of those habits do you schwarm to keep up idiot oh my god she's like how could you not have sex in jail for two years and he just stays quiet needs his carbs

yeah he's like uh yeah for two years that's right didn't have any sex at all i'm working and you know my husband worked so he went to jail so what that's work i mean he worked hard in jail every time i see a license plate, I beam with pride. I'm a career woman, okay? I sit at a keyboard and I type things, okay? I'm a career woman. So let me see. She can't pass judgment.

Oh, then they pass. Then they start this whole. Susan was saying that you're going from a big house to a less big house, and she doesn't feel sorry for you. And she's like, how dare she? All the women't feel sorry for you and she's like how dare she all the women are like oh who does that how dare she the mothers are like I can't believe it how awful how terrible for her to say that that's awful

that's uncalled for you've already got a job it's resting on the table right now as you talk alright best boob job in town you have a job okay it's called unparalyzing yourself that's a full time job I'm paralyzed okay I called unparalyzing yourself. That's a full-time job. Unparalyzed.

Unparalyzed. Okay. I'm unparalyzed. Okay. That was a good day of work. So then Corey has a talk with her orange short, orange glasses, anal massaging husband about how come he never kisses her. Yeah. They're going through it because they sold their Hamptons house to fund their business.

And so now they only have a mansion and it's really putting a strain on the marriage. Yeah. She's like, look, here's the secret to happiness. OK, I need kisses, but my husband needs more. So we put a hole in a bathroom stall and every once in a while my husband puts his penis through it and I give him a blowjob. And there you go. And happiest marriage ever. I just talk in a deep voice. I don't know why it and I give him a blowjob. And there you go. And happiest marriage ever. I just talk in a deep voice. I don't know why it does it for him, but it does.

You know, it works. Orange glasses. So then, okay. Oh, I wrote Gail's home. Okay, we see Gail's home. Gail's home. It looks like the Ruthless People set. I know that's a really old.

Oh, my God. That's a really old reference. god that's no that's a really old reference but if you guys haven't seen it bett midler is this awful woman she's married to danny devito and she's like nouveau riche and has all this ultra modern tacky shit all over her house and that's what this looks like weren't we didn't we just talk about that the last episode i could have sworn just like within the past week maybe you brought it up and that's why it was in my head because i haven't thought of that movie in forever i could have sworn just like within the past week. Maybe you brought it up and that's why it was in my head because I haven't thought of that movie in forever. I could have sworn that we talked about something about how like it was – if I wasn't talking about it on the podcast, I was telling someone about how that their house on Ruthless People was full of the most ridiculous color-blocked 1980s shit.

Oh, maybe that was Dorinda's house. Oh, yeah. That was the color block. God, Ruthless People won't leave all brains. Maybe that's why it's in there Oh, yeah. That was the color block. God, ruthless people won't leave all brains. Maybe that's why it's in there. I haven't thought of that in forever. Listen, God bless it. It's a great movie.

But there you have it. And doesn't it? It is. It is. But, you know, it still works. Like that middle-earth in the basement working out with paint cans, y'all. It's like, remember Ashley's house on Princesses? It had that big circle window.

I mean, it was the most 80s. Everything was silver and shiny on the inside. It was that big circle window. I mean, it was the most 80s. Everything was silver and shiny on the inside. It was truly the quintessential 1987 house. This is the classiest neighborhood in the city, you know? This neighborhood has history. We were built when MTV came on the air.

Shake it. Shake it. Shake it. Oh, God, that scene with Ashley and her dad. Help me. Shake it. Shake it. Oh, God. That scene with Ashley and her dad. Help me. God. Help. Shake it, honey. Shake it.

Okay. So these people are... I just wrote down, this is the longest packing scene I've ever seen because it was what you were saying. The doctor just being followed around by Gail. Put it flat. Put the suitcase flat. You're doing it wrong. Go the other way. Go through the other door. Go this go get that open the back now open the trunk now

push it through the trunk and then push it through the other door okay meanwhile someone and the only one who thinks that relationship good is of course amy who's in like the abusive relationship she's like that relationship is so sweet the way i mean look he doesn't even veil the disgust i mean that's it's like it's like he took off the condom of his emotions you know and that's when you know you're in a real relationship you can just go bareback she was amy actually said you know what gail's ever since she gail met her husband and married her husband she's just shining and glowing i'm like no i think that's just her plastic melting. She's so shiny. You know, when you're afraid your husband's going to slap you, it's important to use Neosporin as a moisturizer.

You stay shiny, and in case you get a cut at dinner, it can start healing right away. Why is Neosporin in my brain today? Listen, husband, stop abusing your wives. I only have so many Neosporin jokes in me. I loved, by the way, how when Gail was bossing around her husband, she's like, do you not have a sense of spatial relations?

Let's hope so. He just did your face. Yeah. But then, by the way, in the midst of all this, someone took the opportunity to mention yet again that Andy's married three times, and every time she's gotten less and less poor like it's a failure on her part like she has failed in life

because she's gotten less from keeping for marrying for money and not getting as much each time i mean what is going on with the justice system in this country that a woman like liza can go to another man and get less money than the man before her. There is no justice. Paralyzed. Paralyzed. It's in paralyzation thinking about the injustice.

So everybody starts driving over to the Hamptons and Liza and Andy stop to pump gas and Liza pulls that whole I don't know how to put gas in a car. Bitch, who has been putting gas in your car? Please. Give me a break. Wait a second, wait a second. The pump, it's not moving.

The pump isn't going. What do I do? I press this. I don't like to touch this stuff. Oh my God. Wait a second, it's going. No, it's not. I don't know what's happening.

Paralyzed. Paralyzed. It's like Gail and Oprah. I know. That one where they went across the country and Oprah was like, gas, what? How do you put this in? And Gail's like, girl, you're so funny.

You never put in gas. And Oprah's like, no, seriously. Like, what the fuck? This is how people drive? Fail in Oprah. Sorry, guys. Already done. Bye. But yeah, that was Liza. Who's putting gas in your car?

Stop fronting, as Heather would say. She doesn't drive anywhere. She just sits there on her bed being paralyzed. Paralyzed. I've always been too paralyzed to put gas in my car. The last time I drove was 20 years ago and I was on the LIE and I got paralyzed and crashed into the guardrail. And then I would have dated that guard, but then when I divorced him, I would have had even less money than from the third husband. And that would be a travesty, all right?

him, I would have had even less money than from the third husband, and that would be a travesty. All right? So they were trying to hook Liza up with a waiter. Who cares? I'm writing down every fucking detail. We don't need to talk about all this stuff. Well, what I thought was funny is that when, so then they had talked a lot of smack about Susan, and

Susan finally shows up, and Andy's like, Susan's about to get the North Shore handshake. Step one, kiss on the cheek. Step two, compliment. I'm like, that's not the North Shore handshake. That's how ladies greet each other. That's like the universal code for women who hate each other.

It's not just at the North Shore. Here's how it's going to go down. A kiss on the cheek. A compliment. Then we're going to order fried shrimp. Then Susan's going to have to go down. A kiss on the cheek. A compliment. Then we're going to order fried shrimp. Then Susan's going to have to go pee. Then Liza's going to wait there outside the door and say, did you finish? I've been waiting.

Then they're going to come back to the table together. And then we're going to get our own appetizers. Then after we're done, Liza's going to wipe her mouth with her napkin. And then after we've eaten our entire meal, she's going to yell at Susan. And that's how we do it in the North Shore. It's the North Shore handshake. Paralyzed. So stupid.

Here's how the North Shore handshake goes, okay? You put one hand forward. You put the other hand in the other hand. And then immediately you both get paralyzed and fall to the ground. North Shore Paralysation. Paralysation handshake. I love how everything on this show is like, this is how we do things on the North Shore. It's so different.

I mean, raising three teenage girls on the North Shore. I mean, do you know how hard it is to explain to these children life is not like this and you're waiting to see the kids riding around new bentley and they're not it's like a broken sprinkler and like a bent fork and like a leopard carpet okay hey mom what are you making for dinner oh my god kids in the north shore right like mom you're dumb oh the north shore i'm telling you kids kids in the north shore hey mom can i get ten dollars to go to the mall oh my god the kids in the north shore i don't know i don't know if kids across america get their periods but my kids did and that's how we do it

on the north shore they're bleeding once a month i mean the north shore am i right my kids are going to high school and then to college i mean mean, enough. Enough already with these North Shore kids. So good. So then where are we going? Oh, they're talking to Amy. And Amy is, we see her with her little roller bag. And she's already home. She's like, the flight was canceled because of Hurricane Anwar.

Arthur. Hurricane Arthur. I can't even say it. Hurricane Arthur. I keep saying Hurricane Anwar. I'm like, oh, An of Hurricane Anwar. Arthur. Hurricane Arthur. I can't even say it. Hurricane Arthur. I keep saying Hurricane Anwar. I'm like, oh, Anwar. Anwar. Oh, this was a hurricane. We were so excited for Hurricane Anwar, but then it didn't do anything.

And then Hurricane Bella, you know, put some rain on the porch. And, no, Hurricane Bella destroyed a city. Hurricane Bella got pulled over by Hurricane hurricane police for having a DUI. Which one got pulled over? Wait, it's Bella. I'm already forgetting that show now. I can't even remember the kids. Bella, Anwar, and then what's the other one?

Oh, Gigi, yeah. Bella was a disappointment of a tornado, but the Gigi tornado was amazing. Bella was just bella was just a tropical storm we're so sad for her she when she made landfall she became a tropical storm and then got arrested the hurricane was arrested and put in jail by meteorological jail but gg was an amazing hurricane she was category five and broke every levee in the gulf of mexico we're so proud of her Anwar was a good storm in the beginning, but at the end it was just another storm

that looked like Bella, but wasn't as powerful. Yeah, he was just a thunderstorm, really. Anwar was a broken sprinkler in a front yard. Oh my god, sprinkler! Paralyzed! Paralyzed! So then we start talking, Amy, and the son's like,

Mom, who's like uh blinking like a psychopath by the way something's wrong with that kid which we already knew last week after the tutu in the ice cream truck but but he's the only one talking any sense into his mother right now he's like so to get canceled because of when you say hurricane arthur do you mean the heart hurricane or you're just talking metaphorically she's like no Hurricane in the sky! It's literally, the hurricane is named Arthur. Listen, if you're about to go to a romantic vacation with a man with a hurricane named after him that breaks

the vacation, that's a sign, girl. That's a sign. She's like, listen, God is trying to tell you something. I want to tell you all something right now. I've fallen in love with the hurricane, okay? Like, it's a very tumultuous relationship. Like, I love him. he doesn't treat me right He's blowing me over, but you know what

I think he really has feelings for me Hurricane Arthur made me wet, I had to come home Oh jeez He blew the roof off of my Motel 6, okay I know he did it because he loves me We're up and down, but you know what though All hurricanes blow things over, it's okay

I'm going to be spending the weekend in bed with storm shutters up. Okay. But otherwise, we're in love. He loves me. No one sees us when we're alone. And he's so loving to me. He got really mad at me because I put tape on my windows. I was like, I'm sorry, but you're a hurricane.

He said, but don't you love me? So I took the windows off. I took the tape off and broke the windows. But he loves me. I know he did it because he loves me. The other day, he threatened to break all the windows in my car and shove the cockies up my vagina because I didn't hug him when he got home. I mean, who does that? Like offering sex right when he got home from a hard day of work.

Who does that? I mean, he's so romantic. He's the most beautiful storm I've ever met. But actually, Amy actually says that she's been she goes she says that she's been with Arthur for seven years and that her goal is to get married I'm like babe if you've been together for seven years and you still haven't even seen a ring you are not getting married and if you do it's going to be a sham marriage move on lady it's been seven years move on move on and then she keeps on saying like well you know everyone fights everyone fights i'm like

well people may have an argument once in a while but they don't fight multiple times over the course of a week and they break up and get back together again you just you can't pawn it off as as if this is normal behavior although i do have to say in this cast i believe it because everybody the the the weirdest thing about this show to me is that the men are just openly abusive to the women. Okay? Whether they're, you know, and the women, too, I mean, look, nobody's hit anybody. I don't even mean that. I mean, verbally.

They're so rude to each other. It's like foreplay to be mean to each other. They're just like, oh, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. I love you, babe. Oh, your breath smells like a dead person. Oh, yeah? You're probably getting blowjobs at the truck stop in jail.

Oh, yeah. Remember that blowjob? Oh, you kiss kiss what what's happening who what how do people live like this they just yell at each other it's like a weird old it's like a it's like an old-fashioned dynamic but without any of like the grace and courtesy that comes with old-timey things yeah amy's like, look, kids don't understand relationships because they're kids. I mean, look, happy meals make kids think that everything's really happy. That's just not how it is.

They need to start giving kids happy meals that you open, and there's not a toy. There's just a fist that comes out and punches you and then throws you keys to a lease. I mean, that's love, really. We need to teach our children. I just wish we could have made it to the Bahamas, because if we went to the Bahamas,

everything would have been fixed for no good reason. At least in the Bahamas we can fight without my friends judging me about it. So then, so now Gail arrives. Gail arrives at Gurney's, and what I

love is that Gail arrives dressed to the nines. Like she is like fully dressed up. She's like, okay, girls, I'll be right back. I just have to change. It's like, what? You're going to change to a ball gown next? Like what could you possibly be changing into? Like why do you need a special outfit just to drive?

I understand like – I understand the car outfit, you know. But the car outfit is normally like a t-shirt and jeans. It's like something that you could like, if you get sweaty or something like that on the ride because the sun's beaming in through the glass, you can change out of that. But like, don't dress up like you're friggin' going to some amazing beach party in your car and then get there

and change again. And then she just put on the same thing she was wearing before, but tighter. It's like, those are the same colors. She's like, but it's homebrew now. Yeah, so she went to change and they got got the presidential suite of the Motel 6. She's like, look at this. Oh, it's so fancy. I'm like, there's Trader Joe's Prosecco sitting there with dirty white wine glasses.

And animal crackers. She's like, oh, they're treating us like the royalty we are, hon. And then the husband pops a cork into her face. It's so romantic. Yeah, that was a really nice moment. He's like, you're good at ducking. It's like a wedding. So then they finally go have their dinner, their big dinner in Mailbite.

And that's when Susan tells a story about how she takes John to Tyrone's to get all his suits. And someone's like, what's Tyrones? She's like, I am shocked that your husband doesn't shop there. How does your husband not shop at Tyrones? Tyrones, preeminent couturier for the North Shore. And Gail knows what Tyrones is, too.

Gail's like, Tyrones? Oh, it doesn't sound classy. I'm going to look up Tyrones right now. Tyrones, Long Island. Because I have to see this place. You know it's all going to be like weird paisley pattern shit. Tyrone. Yeah, it's like it's a fat guy store that sells

those weird Tommy Bahama flower print shirts that people, you know, like straight guys in their 40s start wearing for no reason. I don't know where that came from, but they're like I'm 40 now, so, you know, the kids are out, so I'm going to start wearing flowered Tommy Bahama shirts. Well, I went onto their, so the kids are out, so I'm going to start wearing flowered Tommy Bahama shirts. Well, I went onto their website, tyronemen.com, and this is what's on the website.

There's a logo that just says Tyrone, and under it says men's clothing, sportswear, and accessories. And then there's a little thing that is like it rotates. It says, because it's what's inside that counts. And then it goes to creating a heritage of excellence in menswear. Because it's on the inside that counts. Then it goes to creating a heritage of excellence in menswear. Because it's on the inside that counts. I told you it was a fat guy store. And then the next thing is like a little clip art thing of like a fancy building

and that's all that there is. A logo, a gif of phrases and a little clip art thing. Well, I know that there's fat clothes in there. I'm going to Tyrone's. What do you mean you don't know what Tyrone's is? Who doesn't know what Tyrone's is?

What, you don't know what Target is either? She's like, yes, I know what Target is. I put it on the secretary's heads, and then I get a gun, and then I shoot it, and try and get that apple off. She's like, no, the store, it's for poor people. People who work, I have a job!

The waiter's like, what would you ladies like to eat tonight? She's like, a job? I would like a job. The only thing that can fulfill me is a job. Bring me a job. A side of job. I'm sorry. I'm still looking at the Tyrone.

I'm still trying to find stuff from the Tyrone. You're like trying to decode the GIF. I'm like, I want to see pictures of inside Tyrone. Oh, I'll do an image search. Tyrone's Long Island. an image search Tyrones Long Island Maybe do a periscope Maybe they're on periscope Maybe they're like yeah

Next time you go to the Hamptons Don't worry about that big plane seat Just get some pants from Tyrones And a double seatbelt It'll all work out in the end Tyrones If you do an image search for Tyrones Long Island, all you do is get some very

nice photos of handsome black men. They're all engagement photos. It's so funny. There's nothing but engagement photos of black men if you do Tyrones Long Island. There's one black man named in Long Island and it's Tyrones and he sells fat clothes and also falls in love a lot.

And they're all engaged. Yeah, they're all engaged. So the food starts coming to the table. And Gail's look when a big family bowl of mac and cheese comes down. She almost barfed on that table. I know. She truly almost lost it. And by the way, that mac and cheese looked so good.

I was like, oh, my God. Just insert me into that scene. I don't care if I have to talk about Tyrone's. I will be there to eat that mac and cheese. So they make fun of her and then start talking about Amy's abusive relationship and Susan's like, okay, everyone, you know what she means? And they just look at her quietly.

She goes, a job. Okay, she needs a job. I said it. I said it. It's like, Jesus, lady. It's her advice for everything. She's like, I mean, she's making Vicky Gunvalson look like a slacker. You know? Remember, Vicky's line used to be like she doesn't work she doesn't work but now like it's nice she needs a job she needs a job but what i like is that i like when susan uh goes

after amy and it's like so you've known you've known amy for i'm sorry after andy and she's like you've known amy for a long time so how come you don't give Amy any good advice? I was like, whoa. And he's like, excuse me? Listen, if I could get into her bed and sleep in her bed every single night and then get married to her and get less money from them for my three men, I would. But I can't. That's how much I love her. And then Liza's like, well, I heard you said that, you that you know all i want all i want is like a less uh wait you said that i'm depressed because i'm moving from one big house to a less big house

that was not cool and susan's like oh look it's i was saying that because andy was saying that you know all you need is a man with some money and andy's like, I would never, ever say that, all right? And then it cuts to her being like, well, she needs a man with enough money to keep her. She's like, when I said she needed a rich man, you know, rich is when chocolate is too dark. That's what I meant. Like, maybe someone darker. And she's like, no, you said she needed a rich guy. You know, I'm just calling it like it is because I have a job.

And that's what you have to do at work. There's no pedal paddling around. You work, and you work, and then you type some more, and then you punch out, and you go home. And that's it. That's it. I'm just sorry. Are you still looking at fucking Tyrones? No, I went onto their Facebook page, and I found a suit that they're selling, and I'm going to share it right now on our page because it is

wait hold on fresh new look from Tyrones of Long Long Island post this right now sharing this photo it's amazing

you have to go look at it right now I command you to okay I command you i'm sorry people i'm sorry that i did not listen to ronnie's latest rant because i was looking at tyrants i'm sure it was the same as every other oh my god it's like hypnotize them they won't know you're fat like this pattern this pattern is blinding even Reza would be like, whoa, that's too much. Whoa, that's a bit much. Whoa, this makes me loopy. It's the C-word day. It's so funny.

Someone wrote on our Facebook, I would just like to say I am pro the C-word, especially when it comes to housewives. That's funny. Everybody's commenting on the C-word. I have been saying it a lot, though. I'm sorry i don't mean it as uh i've said this before but i honestly don't even mean it as a disrespect to women i mean it in the old english way where that's just what you call idiots like i guess that's kind of how we say asshole here um my little british friend says the c word all the time and i just think it's hilarious and i took it on and i will stop it because it's not nice it's not nice i get it all right i get it and i'll stop it um uh what else is going on on

twitter while we're just like completely going off and not talking about the show anymore i'd like to hear your nothing really else what happened on reddit oh girl we will talk about that actually during our bonus next week i need to read this again so i remember did you hear what about what happened on Reddit. Oh, girl. We will talk about that, actually, during our bonus next week. I need to read this again so I remember. Did you hear what happened on Reddit? Okay, we'll talk about it in the bonus because this will take forever.

I have no idea. I have no idea what happened. But yes, whoever's putting this on Reddit, yes, I want to go on Reddit with Ben and do an AMA and talk to you guys. I love you guys. Are we on Reddit? Are we on Reddit?

What's happening? No, but there's a subreddit called Bravo Real Housewives and they talk about the housewife stuff and i guess uh there are listeners on there and i used to read that all the time when we used to talk about housewives news and stuff i used to go source it all from reddit because there's good stories and then there's very funny people commenting on all the stories i love it i would contribute to reddit if i could but i'm always afraid since i have no reddit history that i post something people would be like whatever noob so i'm just like okay they kind of do but who cares i'm

my reddit score is so low because i'm really evil and you know people don't take my shit i like you know what you read it you know you know what your reddit score needs a job a job my reddit score all it needs is a job that's all i go i go on to reddit and i'm immediately paralyzed paralyzed too many things sharing. After all of this, so back to this dinner, she's saying job, job, job. And Susan's like, I just don't think she needs to be so materialistic. And finally, Gail, who never says anything except what's a target, says, I can't believe she called her materialistic. I mean, that's just going too far it's like says the woman with ruthless people

house and a tiny little car that her husband bought her and a face that resembles nothing of her own stop and the woman who just had to change clothes says the yeah exactly says says the woman whose dinner is just macaroni and cheese vapors shut up so uh well so then and then susan's like look i understand change i've been through change all right i go through change i save change i got a little bowl to put change in because that's what working people do every piece of change counts all right change oh god um yeah well she starts saying how um that when john came out of prison he had to start over. And she actually, believe it or not, she actually was making a point. She was basically saying, don't be scared.

And that was her original point with Andy when she was talking. She wasn't saying, oh, she needs to shut up and get a job. She was saying, listen, I know she's scared about losing the house, but what she should do is get a job, be her own woman and get her own house, et cetera. That's actually what she was saying. And it actually made sense in that context so she was saying here like yeah she's like my husband knows what it's like to go to one big house to a smaller house i know what you're going through we have tons of macaroni in the new house so um but she was basically saying like i know what's like to start over then andy's like well excuse me i just have to say something you know it wasn't

just a mistake he stole from. He stole from people. He stole from people. You know, my ex-husband, who's also in jail, he did bad things, too. And I own up to that. I was like, Jesus, these women, they really know how to pick their guys. And she's like, yeah, but he got over it. He made a mistake. She's like, yeah, but the people who got stolen from didn't get over it.

And that's a good point. And this is Real Housewives of New Jersey all the way, where it's's like what tony said what he did wrong and now he's gonna be okay you know and everything's great no because he ripped off a lot of people like they're not okay did he give them their money back no i think that susan what susan should have said which i would have actually been okay with was like yeah he did steal and it was wrong but he went to jail for two and a half years and he paid the price for that. He lost two and a half years in jail and got raped. So if she said that, then I'd be like, okay, that's cool.

I want to point out a comment from the recap at Trash Talk from Distressed. Jesus H. Christ, I felt badly about my mean comments on the premiere recap, so then I Googled the scumbag husband of the piece of human detrius known as Susan Donison. Secrets and Wives, what did Susan's ex-con husband John do? John spent two years in jail for securities fraud. He and his business partner Hunter Adams, who is allegedly associated with the Gambino organized crime family, ran the now defunct Preston Langley Asset Management Inc. in somewhere in Long Island

in Manhattan. He was sentenced to 46 months plus three, blah, blah, blah. His restitution was set at almost $17 million because that $0.88 makes all the difference in the world to all the victims of his crimes. This guy's a sociopath, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, this doesn't sound

good. And also, wouldn't fuck with him. No, I would not. Actually actually now that i've read that john you look thin love the suit you look great you look great by all means eat whatever you want don't worry about wasting your calories on bread eat whatever you want you're eating tonight you need every single night john you do it you wear as many patterns as you want on here you go to tyrone every single day go go go go back there go go there twice a day get all the paisley get all the pattern all little polka dots it looks great on you john and we've changed john fans yeah actually but i actually do enjoy john even if even if he did go to jail well he went to jail you know

he did it he went to jail in my mind he's he's clean he did it he fixed it he he he served his time and then uh susan's like, I don't think it's fair. You know, you can't walk in somebody else's shoes. I mean, except my husband, who literally walked in shoes that he stole from other people. But he knows what it means literally. Otherwise, don't be judging me. I mean, everyone's so judgmental. When John got in trouble, we went to court, and even the judge was being judgmental.

I mean, they called her a freaking judge. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I've had it. I've had enough. Oh, wait. Got to go to work. Job. Work. John, walk in someone else's shoes for once, okay?

Get them from Tyrone. Go to Tyrone's and get someone else's shoes. So that's it for Secrets and Wives. Next week, a lot of men being semi-abusive and women crying that men aren't buying them enough things. Yeah. Fun. So, love the show.

Love it. Hilarious. And now we have Shah's, the Shah's reunion. So I mentioned this on Facebook. When the reunion started up, they had some of that pre-reunion footage of them in their dressing rooms and stuff. They shot this thing at the Emerson Theater,

which is a club right on Hollywood and La Brea, directly adjacent to the coffee shop that I'm always – I go to that coffee shop. That's where I do my writing. That's where I do my real like LA screenwriter stuff. I go to that coffee shop. All the most serious writers go to a coffee shop. That's right. And of course, like the one day I didn't go to that coffee shop. But I remember walking by there.

It was like three weeks ago or – I think it was around three weeks ago or so. And there were all these production vans outside the Emerson Theater. I was like, oh, they're shooting something in there. But I was on the other side of the street and I was too lazy to go and see what it was. And if only I had followed the scent of Dracar Noir, I would have been able to discover it was all the Shaws and Andy Cohen. All the Shaws and Andy Cohen. Oh. Hi, Gigi.

Hi, Reza. Hi, Mike. Hi, Asifa. The beginning of a reunion. Here we go. So, it looks like your boobs look bigger. Did you do something to your lips? What about your butt? Oh, it's so disgusting.

Reza's like, I shaved my mustache. Look, everybody. Oh, Reza. That did not work out well. Reza's like, I shaved my mustache. Look, everybody. Oh, Reza. That did not work out well for Reza. He looks like a South Park version of himself. Yeah, it was not his finest look. His hair was like making a thought bubble above his head. It was just sort of like spindling up towards something.

Not cute. He's like, I've lost 30 pounds, Andy. It was the mustache. It was the mustache. was the mustache gg looks like she's been stung by four bees okay everything's like swollen and puffy in strange places now we can't talk about that because she's currently suing them for almost rape so i will say this though by the way mike looked good mike looked like he lost some weight he looked good was mike fat mike's not fat he just

gets fluffy no but he had no this season he was like uh he was getting on the farther end of the husky spectrum you know running into andy we're like mike did mike get anything done what kind of gel do you think mike was wearing that's one thing well we're we're just like evil podcasters and we carpet every little thing it's one thing to be the host of a reunion, and the thing you open with is, hey, did you get a boob job? Did you do this? Did you do that? Yeah, let's talk about everybody's new body parts that their parents probably paid for. Yeah.

But I thought Mike looked good. And I think that maybe he kept on seeing Shervin up on screen and was like, well, got to compete with that guy. I love Shervin. And he says, hi, hi, hi. And then he says, don't worry, there's no lie detectors. And then it cuts to Mike, whose eyes are darting back and forth, terrified. Yeah. The show.

I love that lie detector. I'm like family with that lie detector. I'm just going to get this out. But I love him. Asifa is wearing this white dress and Andy compliments her dress and Mike goes, hey, you wore that to my wedding. She's like, I did not. I wore a leopard to your wedding. Everyone's like,

oh my god, you wore white to someone else's wedding? Who would do that? This crew suddenly has the dibs on manners. I know. They're going to fuck each other over at every turn, but they know what to wear to a wedding. I'm sure Jessica was pissed. When Jessica saw Asifa I know. They're like going to fuck each other over at every turn, but they know what to wear to a wedding, you know? I'm sure Jessica was pissed.

When Jessica saw Asifa in her like off-white dress, I'm sure Jessica was like, I want to be the only one wearing white. I can't be sure to do that. This is my day. She's such a bitch. I hate her. Why would she do that? What a horrible person. You're a horrible person.

Well, because you remember on Real Housewives of New York City a few seasons ago when Alex McCord wore a beige show wedding and Jill Zarin had a fit? Yes. That was amazing. Yeah, that's a real thing. Yeah, I know. That's some real shit that can go down. It's a real stupid shit thing. So Andy showed pictures of how long everybody's known each other because they all met when they were young, like really young kids and stuff. And they were showing pictures of all of them, which was kind of cute.

But then it got to Gigi and Mike. MJj was so cute yeah mj was very pretty yeah and then they show the same uh they show the picture of gg and mike i guess sitting by a pool or something and gg's arms are around mike and they look so happy and and uh andy's like uh when was this so you guys knew each other too and gg's like yeah i mean, I just knew him as some guy who was like around that my sister kind of knew, I guess. And then they show the picture and they're like, loving best friends forever. I know. It's like, just erase it all. Just erase it.

Who needs history? Just change it. This is Texas. We're just going to rewrite the history and just give it to the kids. They don't need to know. Stupid Gigi. Stupid, stupid Gigi. So did you take notes on this show?

I took no notes. Oh, you didn't? Okay, so I'll lead you through here. Yeah, you just lead it. So then we go through. After all of this, this is right after Gigi's like, oh, yeah, we barely knew each other, whatever. And Andy kind of calls her on it. And Andy's asking, you know, what was Gigi like when she was 13?

The same with a knife, but with a knife. MJ, then MJ, they're already being really nasty with each other at this point. And MJ's like, yeah, we're like a family. And I thought that so fake. But then I considered the family that she comes from. And I'm like, well, actually, they are like family. They're mean. Well, yeah. I was about to say, the Shaws are, like, notorious for every season.

They just hide behind that umbrella term. Like, they will do the nastiest things to each other, be so evil, and then they'll be like, but we're family, as if it somehow excuses this behavior. Yep. Pretty much. And then we go on to more boobs and diets. Oh my god, MJ's boobs.

Gigi got new boobs. MJ got new boobs. Wait, did she say she got new boobs? I don't think so, but I think she just was, her boobs, she wore this dress that was doing this weird side under boob thing. It was just, she was kind of

out of control with that. It was not charming. It was like someone had like strapped her up into an ill-fitting papoose it was like two neat two little danny devito twins trying to escape damn you ruthless people i mean there was that whole montage later in the episode of like mj trying to adjust her boobs and like everything just sort of like like moving around in this weird, ridiculous way. I don't know. MJ's really got – I know she likes to put her body out there, but she really has to think about better ways of putting it out there.

Well, then they address that because they move to Asifa and they say, Asifa, have you had anything done? She's like, my boobs. And then Reza's like, and your nose. And she's like, I did not get my nose done have you seen pictures of me and then they show picture of her with a gigantic nose it's like what are you doing arm shading on your nose come on she's like i just do a lot of contouring yeah my nose looks like mj's arm now okay my nose is peach okay it's peach my nose is always reaching for ham i don't know why but why don't you be a man and compliment my nose for once be a man about it man so then they bring up uh then i select a plastic surgery circle and so mj is denying having an ass implant because

andy says somebody's had an ass implant she's like i did not have an ass implant because Andy says somebody's had an ass implant. She's like, I did not have an ass implant. OK, I had fat put into my ass. It's like they have all these different levels of what's acceptable and what's not. Like, why is it OK to go get fat put in your ass, but not to get an implant put in? Like, what's the difference? Like, it's not organic. I mean, get out of here.

It's like Whole Foods, bitch. I know. And then MJ goes on this thing where she's like, look, everyone's accusing her basically of having the butt job, which why would you? That's like getting a trailer on a Suburban. Like, who needs that? You've already got a Suburban. You can drive an entire orphanage around on that thing. Get the U-Haul off of there.

Anyway, so she's like, you know what, you guys? I really don't like talking about my body because I really put myself out there with my body and I get a lot of criticism for it. But I'm being strong for other women. I'm like, shut up. MJ, feminist icon. Yeah, exactly. We've seen your bikini ass on TMZ for years, OK? It's not like you're just OK with your body now.

Look, I'm glad that you're OK with your body. It's me who's trying to get to be OK with it, that okay close the drapes on the front of that building bitch i love how she is like draping this all in in like talks of feminism like she's standing up for women yet at the same time all her actions do is just like is basically tear down other women that's all she does every single season yeah she's like i really tear down women. And I show them because, look, I empower women because women can swim and drown. And I'm like, women, don't drown. Get swimming pool noodles put in your lips. You see, I'm saving women, you guys.

Yes, all women. Yeah, no, she was fully ridiculous. And then I think they got, I think relatively quickly, early on, they got into the whole bachelor party issue, right? Yeah, pretty quick. Where MJ... Asa was coming after MJ right away. She was coming after her.

Yeah, deservedly so. Deservedly so. You know, she's like, oh, you care about women, really? Then why were you talking about my weight? Because you're on national TV talking about my weight. Do you know how destructive that is to women? You need to empower other women by having them put on burkas and walk around the

Seafood Planet buffet. What the hell, Asa? This whole cast idea of empowering a woman. Oh my good. I know. And MJ's like, well, no. I was just having some fun. It wasn't serious. And you put it out there like, I don't know.

It was, I mean, because because also had a point i mean because mj was coming was was making fun of her weight on national tv yeah but they were talking about weight and who the fuck you think you're kidding she's like i'm 115 get out of here weren't they talking about a diet or personal training or something they were talking about getting in shape yeah i don't know i don't think female empowerment is like i don't know feminism is feminism is just so ass backwards now like feminism means like helping your friend lie about their weight now i don't get it well feminism's always had that problem of like is does feminism mean being equal equal to men whereas meaning that like you know you don't open a door for women because it's like

we're equal or whatever or is feminism mean like um i forget i forget the other problem it was that long ago okay even coffee has it's like it's like are we equal or do we have to do special things that are separate we've all forgotten feminism okay joyce carol oats was on twitter this week did you read this yes she went on twitter and saw a picture of jurassic park steven spielberg was standing next to a dead dinosaur and what did she tweet she was like are there no conservationists fighting against this travesty people are like uh people aren't sure if she was joking or not. She was not joking. Look at her Twitter. It's cray cray.

I think the issue with feminism is like, is feminism, does that mean that women should get special treatment because it's like women only things, you know, where it's like, oh, this is a thing for women. Like curves. It's a gym for women because that's like empowering women and whatever. Or does feminism mean like there's no line men and women are absolutely equal and there should be no special no consideration that i think those are the two prongs are always at war and i don't know but i know that we're never going to learn about feminism on this channel that's for sure especially this nothing to bridge the gap between those two ideologies yeah um feminism just means like boop like having boobs yeah reza's a feminist not tearing down a woman

um so what am i looking at here oh ramona blue oh no this over this is done now bye ramona blue so um yes they were but they were fighting about the bachelor party oh bachelor party yeah bachelor party this is where MJ and Reza were just being so like stupid because MJ was like well she was coming up with excuses as to why Asa couldn't come but then when they cornered Reza and were like well

you know it was your party why couldn't you put your foot down he's like I tried I tried it's like no like all you had to do was call up Asa against MJ's wishes and be like, oh, by the way, this is the bachelor party. Come to it. You know? Yeah.

He acts like he's so defenseless. Like, I did my best, but, like, that's so Persian for me to go against the organizer of my bachelor party. And Asa. But I'm fun. I mean, I don't know why you guys wouldn't want me there. I mean, so I'm not a big drinker, but I'm still fun. And then they show clips of the party and Reza making out with some stripper and like all the shit that was going down and then they

show asa's face and she's disgusted like she you know she would have been there with a windex and shit being like i said no pee on the floor also have been there be like guys you know what would be really fun right now would be if we did some poetry maybe well why don't we get the go-go boys here and like let them share something about their heritage. It's like everybody put on a burka. So then it becomes this big fight and Reza's pretending that he was

totally with Asa on this and MJ finally gets so mad because Asa won't stop with her, this whole thing. She's going after MJ. Everything that's said, she makes it up. Something about MJ. And so finally MJ says, says well he doesn't even want you there it was his idea not to have you there to be honest and then everybody just skips over that like she never said it and he skips it reza skips it awesome skips it because they all know it's awesome i mean they all know it's reza they all know they know he's an asshole but he's the biggest scariest asshole there so

they kiss his butt no matter what. Yeah, it's true. And then Andy says, well, what did you tell Adam about the bachelor party? And he's like, I told him I don't remember. I don't remember anything. So he's not mad. And then Mike's like, oh, really? You didn't remember?

And that's okay for you not to remember. But it wasn't okay for me not to remember. And he's like, listen, I didn't almost fuck one of my friends. I did fuck someone I didn't know.'s different very different yeah well well reza said well i owned up to it i owned up to it but it's like no you didn't even tell your fiance he had to find out by watching a promo on bravos you actually didn't it's the exact same thing as that would happen with mike which is that he did not own up to it and then this footage came out shot by some serious person.

I'm like, like, who could it be? Who could it be? Well, I'm like, oh, I wonder. There was only like 30 producers on this set, like with you in Turkey. I wonder who could have shot this. Yeah. And then it turns into this huge fight and Reza just starts screaming and yelling for no reason. Reza became like crazy. He was like, he was like, all you do is floss. You floss. That it's not even a real bentley it's an old bentley it's like 10 years old that's why i just bought a house i bought it with cash you have nothing you have nothing to floss and andy's like uh what's

the old seat you got that in chicago and mike's like well so what like i like it or whatever he's like you're so fake you're so flossing You're just going around with a bad pen. I was like, Jesus, Reza. Like, what the? He just went off the rails. Yeah, he's just a mean, evil person. And then when he went on that, I think I skipped over it because I couldn't even write it down. But when he was talking about Adam and then Reza starts that whole earnest thing, which is even more of a lie without the mustache.

Isn't that weird? But you can see his, like, dishonest upper lip. You need to re-hide that thing, because it's twisty and gross. Yeah. But it looks dishonest, you know? He looks like a villain with a snarled lip while he's talking.

And he's like, well, you know, this whole thing with Adam, I mean, who really even cares? I mean, Jessica... And then he starts yelling at Mike about Jessica and all this other shit. And then he starts his whole, about jessica and all this other shit and then he starts his whole i felt terrible because i love adam and knowing that i hurt adam i mean that's like the most horrible thing in the world and that trip was horrible it was terrible

all i did was sit in my room and cry get out of here you don't get to be the asshole in the relationship yeah and then get the pity for being the asshole it doesn't work like that okay the victim gets the pity and the victim is such a pussy that he won't even show up to have to watch these clips to the bachelor party because you know everybody's gonna ask you why are you staying with this fool who's cheating on you in front of america's face like what kind of pussy are you dude there will be plenty of men who will fulfill your porn dream of not wearing underwear and then sperming on your face like whatever you don't need this fat idiot reza stop stop he's gross i know yeah the reza was really out of control and he was honestly

even though they hate jessica it's still like mike's wife and he was just like being so vicious and awful i mean we can do that because we don't know either of them and we're podcasters. But if they're allegedly saying, but we're all family and I love him like a brother. But his wife is a bitch and she's out of control. Although Reza was right, because Jessica is like the if you want to talk about flossing. I mean, she if we can borrow some terminology from 2001, she is like the queen of that shit. And for Mike to act like she isn't is also ridiculous because Jessica is probably more materialistic than any of those bitches on Secrets and Wives. Yeah.

Well, they're all terrible. So if we're going to talk about who's a terrible person, we'll be here all day. They're all terrible. I mean, Mike, I saw Mike at the Starbucks down the street from my house. I saw him at Starbucks. Oh, also, I have something else to tell you. But I saw Mike down the street at Starbucks one day, and his bus was outside with his face on it. I was like, come on.

This is real? You actually ride this thing around? And he's like, hey, hey, to everybody in the Starbucks. I was like, oh, no. But I wanted to tell you I had a Bravo sighting, and I never have them. And this was actually last week, but I was in Lickastool. And one of the guys from Euros of Hollywood was there. The tall, shaved head brunette guy.

I think he's the one whose wife is still in Russia, right? The German one. The one who's a DJ. Yeah. Yeah. And I said, oh, hey, I love your show. Is it going to come back? And he's like, you know,

the thing that is so difficult is that we are all in different places. And it's just trying to figure out when we can all be in the same place again. I'm like, girl, you know that ain't why. But whatever. But still, he was super nice. And he was like, thank you, buddy. He was the tank. I called him the tank.

I forgot his name, though. It was like Sebastian or something like that. I forget. But anyway, I thought that was cute. They called him the tank. I forgot his name, though. It was like Sebastian or something like that. I forget. I don't know. But anyway, I thought that was cute. I never have Bravo sightings where I actually talk to them, so I had to say. So excited. My liquor store, you guys.

I mean, my liquor store. Someone from Euros of Hollywood. I'm trying to remember. Like a few weeks ago, I was going to mention this in the podcast, and I forgot. But now the story's not even going to make sense because I don't remember half of it. But someone was saying something about how like oh we're gonna have niyala like have you ever seen have you ever gotten the jewelry from niyala oh that's what it was i had some like trashy people in my uber and they were talking about how yeah i got this i got

this ring from niyala have you ever been there before and i was like i was like niyala that's you're also hollywood and there was that time i did take the i think i think i did mention this on the podcast a few months ago when i took um some of the workers from niyala when i ubered them to work so i was like oh i was like you guys have a reality show in your store they're like yeah we know we're there we work there we know i know um wait so um uh we were talking about Mike. And so Mike, the thing is, so after Reza just goes off on Mike and he's just so nasty, then they're like, they pause for commercial. And Mike basically tells Reza, I'm going to kill you. And then we come back from break and Reza's like, by the way, I just would like to apologize to Mike. That was really mean of me.

And I got carried away. And I'm very sorry for that. I really apologize. I was like, you are such a fucker, Reza. You are such a fucker. And it turned out, I mean, I guess we've always known this, but I can't believe that Reza can't disguise his shit better. Because it turns out that he's just mad he doesn't even care about all this no one even cares about this like could a rape they only care that mike stopped talking to them when he got a girlfriend or he started talking to them less that's all it's about he said it five times homeboy homeboy makes no effort

no effort whatsoever you didn't make an effort at all why would he do you not remember telling everybody what a poor loser he was last year and how he'll never be a career person because he's too stupid and he's too stupid to even share an office with you and he's an idiot and blah blah blah and his girlfriend's just a hanger on who would want to hang out with your stupid ass you're such a mean person i don't blame mike like when mike is going to jessica to be the nice one you know you're a dick yeah plus on on top of that i don't know why like when mike is going to jessica to be the nice one you know you're a dick yeah plus on on top of that i don't know why they want to hang out with mike because he is so sanctimonious and he actually talks down to everyone so much and then when he gets drunk

he's a belligerent drunk so i don't i don't actually see the upside to mike i don't understand why they're also they just go their separate ways and be happy with their own awful friends yeah um they're all terrible just Just hang out with Shervin more. I like that they're terrible, even to people on other shows. MJ named her dog Toya after Toya on Married to Medicine. Yeah. Wow, I feel so flattered.

Eugene, guess what? That crazy Kazan lady over on Shards of Sunset should know the dog after my face. Hey, Eugene, we should give people prescriptions so that they'll know what's wrong with them. Hey, Eugene, that Persian lady, she named a dog after me. Isn't that cool? And then MJ is like, but I did it because, you know, you name your dog after people you like.

And she just has such a pretty flat face. God. Evil. Evil. Toya. All right right so what else happened here one of my favorite thing am i missing something well the way that it ended with gg what gg hurled out at the end of the episode uh well first mike got in trouble for texting because he kept texting Jessica during the reunion. Yes. Which was great.

Mike refused to admit remembering anything that happened with the drunkenness. And his story kept changing. Yeah. And Andy said, your answer changes. And he's like, and Reza says, he changed when he found out about the footage of them walking into the hotel room. And then Mike's like, yeah, that was bullshit. You know, like we didn't know that footage existed and there was no one there they were like hiding in a corner or something and then he's like oh really well we wouldn't do that we wouldn't set you up like that yeah bravo why would bravo set you up on a reality show uh he's like we wouldn't do that i mean who

here set him up who here filmed that and then it's just quiet yeah this this show is bad when they're shooting each other in hallways to use against each other the next year that's not good friendship you guys go to the bahamas well then it then it goes from bad to worse because then you then like mike is as awful as mike is i'm actually feeling bad for the guy because they are just being so nasty to him. And then things go from bad to worse when he's like, oh, yeah. By the way, didn't you have sex with my sister on the day you got engaged? Didn't you do that?

I was like, Jesus. It was like it was just like one of these things that felt so made up. And on top of that, it's like, oh, and now you're going to throw your sister. I mean, I know she hates her sister, but still, the whole thing just felt so despicable. I don't know that it was made up. I actually kind of believe it because he, according to the comments on our Facebook, which is where I learned everything, they used to date in high school. So I guess it was like an old friend fuck. And then when Andy said, wait a second, you had sex with her on the night you got engaged?

And he's like, no i didn't well it's funny because when gg said that my initial reaction was like oh my god this woman is despicable but and and at first mike was like what but then the look on mike's face he looked so nervous and scared he looked so busted i was like wait a second maybe this is true yeah i thought it was true because his excuse or his alibi or whatever and he said so you did it and he's like no i mean she just helped me go suit shopping when because you did that in the daytime you went suit shopping at night with gg sister we know you get your suits downtown i do not believe that you drove home from malibu at what was that sunset was it sunset when they were getting that done?

Anyway, it was probably afternoon. You drove your ass an hour and a half back home from Malibu, an hour and a half or two hours with that fucking car. And then you dropped her off and then took a shower and then went to pick up this other chick and then drove downtown to buy suits. No, don't believe you. I don't know what to believe anymore. I mean, don't believe you. I don't know what to believe anymore. I mean, don't believe it. I thought his... Did you have sex with Gigi's sister again and you? Blink, blink, blink, blink.

Sha-real. Sha-real. Sha-real, you guys. So then there's a... Wait, what else happened? I think that was it, basically. And then right before this huge rant, Gigi's like, I don't even care about the, you know, hitting on me and wherever. I don't even care that you did that.

People get drunk and hit on each other all the time. Who cares? It's like, what? She's like, I just don't like being told I'm a liar. When did we get to this point who cares and then andy says well if you know it seems like you care she's like well you know i just didn't like being called a liar and then that bitch jessica bring her out because that bitch started a war and i'm gonna finish it and andy's like well she's just retaliating to you on instagram yeah and he

was doing a lot of uh investigative journalism in this one she's just responding to you on Instagram. Andy was doing a lot of investigative journalism in this one. She's just responding to you and she's like, no, she wasn't responding to me. I said something and then she said something. I was like, that's what responding to you means. Like, what do you think? You can just say whatever you want about somebody and they just have to sit there

and take it. I don't understand how the logic works with this group. Well, Gigi is sort of dumb because it's not about the fact that Mike thinks that she's a liar because at the beginning of the season, she says that what has been bothering her is that Mike tried to make a move on her

and made her feel uncomfortable, which is fine. That's a legit complaint to have. And then she didn't confront him at all. She held it in. She put everyone in the middle. And then it became a whole thing. And then she accused him of put everyone in the middle. And then it became a whole thing. And then she accused him of basically trying to rape her.

And then it became a whole thing. And now she's at the reunion saying her issue is not that he tried to make a move on her. The issue is that he lied about – that he called her a liar. Well, no, because the initial issue was not that. He didn't even know about this. So you can't – she's actually changed her entire story now. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, she's too stupid to remember but she's too stupid now she's written down yeah young lady look i'm gonna flip through my notebook and tell you a note real housewives of m gamble no makeup

lydia explains what a reunion is you see we have notes so A reunion is where people get together and they haven't seen each other for a while. And the host asks them questions. I think we've covered everything. I think we've really done it. I think we've done it. This is going to become a 12-hour podcast by the time we're done. Well, we're done. We're done.

And we do it because we love it. And we are now being supported on Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. Please go there if you have not and subscribe for the bonus podcast, the ringers, which are coming out. The Google Hangout is next Thursday night at 6 p.m. Pacific. And it's going to be better this time. We're going to be using still Google Hangouts, but we're going to have a whole room that people who aren't in the actual video chat can actually come watch and we can all talk together, even if it's through chat. And we'll take

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