Watch What Crappens - #194: David, Put Down the Dollar Store Batteries, David!

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

Ben Mandelker (Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are back to talk crap about the Real Housewives of OC?s Mexican party, Blood Sweat and Heels? season finale non attack attack, Married to Medicine?s private investigating, and Mother Funders? gluing feathers onto plastic vases that are the wrong shape. And please be warned, no dollar store batteries. Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch?id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm here with Ben Mandelker, the gorgeous, talented, wonderful, handsome,

lovely-breathed Ben Mandelker from the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. That's so, so kind of you. What a kind introduction. How lovely. What a lovely gentleman you are. Isn't that lovely, Ben?

What an awful person. You guys can, first of all, thanks so much for listening to this. And if you're supporting us on Patreon, you will be hearing our bonus episode today, which was all about Gay Pride Parade in L.A. and the Big Brother cast. And Jurassic World. And Jurassic World. It was big. We talked about Gay Pride for a good amount. We talked about Gay Pride for a good amount. We talked about

Jurassic World for a big amount. And we talked about, we did a preview of the entire cast of Big Brother 17, which was announced today. So if you are

a Big Brother fan, we recommend you listen to this episode because we went through every single person and basically tore them apart. Yeah. I mean,

it's a huge week, you guys. I mean, gay people are celebrating and straight people are horrified. Yeah. And they're dinosaurs. By the cast of Big Brother. And dinosaurs are eating everyone else. And Vicky's on a rampage.

But anyway, if you want those, go to Patreon. Vicky tore the tracking device out of her shoulder. She's loose. We don't know where she is. She tore the tracking device out of her shoulder. She's loose. We don't know where she is. For those of you who want that, just go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens.

That's patreon.com slash watch what crappens. We're on Facebook at facebook.com slash watch what crappens. That is where we gather pretty much daily at this point to talk shit with other listeners. We have live show threads there and all that good stuff. So come over there. And if you want to follow us on social media and all that good stuff personally, Ben personally, Ronnie personally, just go to WatchWhatCrappens.com,

and you can find all our links. Including Periscope, which is really entertaining. Ronnie was drunk on Periscope at Gay Pride, so if that for some reason is still up, you should watch it. Sorry, I'm talking to my neighbor, Brian, who's toying with Bueller outside my screen door. While you talk to Brian, should we talk about... No, no, no, I'm done.

So sorry about that. It's summer, so that door is open. And so neighbors feel like it's Texas. You know, the door is open. So come on in. Yeah. Which it basically is. Well, it's too. You know, the door is open. So come on in. Yeah. Which it basically is. Well, it's too bad there wasn't a postman who delivered a nice box from BoxyCharm.

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for their box, and they're perfect for treating yourself, wife, girlfriend, mom, and friends. And if you're still not sold, guess what? Just search BoxyCharm on YouTube to access thousands of un-boxing videos. Yeah, Bo of charm.

Box of charm. I love getting a mystery box. I do. I do. I love a boxy charm box. If I were someone who wore makeup, I would charm myself with their boxes. Oh, box of charm. So, yeah, order yourself or your mom or your dad.

Hell, get your dad your mom or your dad. Hell, get your dad a BoxyCharm subscription. I mean, with the way the world's going today, he probably wants it. Yeah. Maybe your dad is changing his gender identity. Send him a BoxyCharm. Yeah, exactly. And have fun.

So I don't know. I didn't know where I was going with that. I was like, yeah, and... I don't know, but I know it's time to do the podcast because I just opened my Twitter app. And the first tweet is by Jill Zarin. And it says, check out my blog with lots of travel tips and info. Really? You have a travel blog now, Jill? Yeah.

One-way ticket to Shut Up Mountain. Jill Zarin, shut up. Okay? I don't want to know where you travel. Stupid Jill Zarin. I don't know where you're going, and I don't know where you've been. Your eye don't go again. Me and Bobby are on a train.

Someone didn't say hi to me. I'm going to ruin their lives. Hey, train conductor, good seeing you today on the train. He's like, I was just in front of the train. I didn't see you. Good, good. I'm so glad we're friends now. At the train conductor.

Love you. Happy birthday. At Julia Roberts. Missed you at lunch today. Get out of here. At George Clooney. Saw I didn't see you on the MTA today. Maybe next week.

Okay, so let's get on with it. We've got a lot of shows today. We've got four shows to cover today. We've got Blood, Sweat, and Heals. We've got Married to Medicine. We've got Mother Funders. We've got, what's the other one? Oh, and Real Housewives of the OC.

Let's start with OC, right? Of course. Those other shows were boring. I don't know if it's because I took a sleeping pill, but that Tylenol PM couldn't have ruined Bravo for me, right? It's not like it was the first time. Well, Blood, Sweat, and Heals I thought was entertaining, but we'll get to that in a bit

because Real Housewives of Orange County is hilarious and so good. I love it. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I do too. Love it. Especially because it opened up with a nostalgic flashback to Bogate. Remember Bogate?

Oh, my good. This show was all about nostalgia today. All right. Let me get my notes. They're typed. So watch out. It's going to be a 20-hour podcast. Yeah.

So let me see. Where do we start off here? My mouse is sticking. Not appreciative. We started with Heather going to the cake store. Yeah. It's all about the cake, which I'm sure Heather was like, oh, is that a nickname for me? Because, you know, it's Heather.

It's all about the cake. The other title of Demetria's wedding. They missed a perfect crossover opportunity. I know. So Heather wants to get a cake because she's decided to start launch a sparkling wine called Colette, which'm like the last thing i want to do is drink a wine that's named after your raucous out of control vicious baby no kidding it's bitter the wine tastes bitter uh it's hard to go down and uh then it shits you'll shit yourself and you're done yeah Yeah, exactly. Sounds delicious. And it makes you have feelings of propriety over chairs. By the way, enjoy going to that tasting room.

Enjoy going to that tasting room. Oh, would you like to have a drink? Okay, I'm sorry. That's my stool. I'm sorry. You're going to have to move over. Colette, own your chair. Yeah.

Everyone is in a perpetual state of just shuffling down the bar because everyone's in the wrong seat. I have to move over. So then Heather starts her. I'm just one of the people bullshit while she's like, look, moms get cakes. Look, all kinds of moms get cakes. Look, this one's shaped like a Bentley. It's for when Colette was born.

It's like this is not helping Heather. Yeah. This is not helping, Heather. Yeah. She's, I mean, she's literally taking, getting a designer cake, putting it on a private plane and flying it up to Napa. I mean, bitch, have a shirt of Entenmann's for crying out loud. No kidding. And when she told the lady, she's like, the lady said, where should I deliver it? And she's like, the private plane.

Is that okay? I thought she was kidding. I actually laughed. And the lady was like, yeah, that sounds great. I've never prayed harder for turbulence in my life. She'll get furious. She's like, who ate the entire top tier off this cake? They put their face through.

They smash it. No, it just fell against the ceiling when we were doing boop-de-loops. I want to get a cake shaped like the nanny. Someone collect cuts it. can't sue us. Yeah. Napa has some of, like, the world, and the Bay Area has some of the world's finest restaurants and bakeries and chefs, etc. I mean, Elizabeth Faulkner

has a restaurant up in San Francisco, and she was a top chef master, and she's a pastry chef, and like, you don't need to ship a cake from Dana Point in an airplane to friggin' Napa Valley. I mean, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Well, that's Heather for you. And at least we didn't have to watch her walking around that goddamn mall house anymore.

That was nice. Jesus. Let's talk about the Claire's you're adding into your house, you dimes. All right. So then we skip over to the couple's retreat, which is still going on. I started to laugh immediately that they were still in the hotel. Everyone else on this show has advanced like a week or two in their lives. But Shannon and David are still like in this dingy hotel room.

David. David. It's weeks later. Yeah. Shannon's wearing some kind of like t this dingy hotel room. David. David. It's weeks later. Yeah. Shannon's wearing some kind of like t-shirt poncho thing. Yeah. And then the lady's like, listen, everybody. Today we've come so far and we're not going to validate your feelings today.

All right. Today we're going to give eulogies to each other like you're dead. David. David, I'm not feeling validated. I want you to validate my feelings. David, why won't they let me validate my feelings? David, David. You're validating parking, right? David, David. David,

why did you get your parking stuff validated without me? David, I don't trust you. I want you to pretend your spouses are dead. And David's like, woohoo! Bring up the tequila and the hookers. This was some straight up starting over shit. Having them lie down in a fake tomb spy fake tombstone and having their eulogies eulogies that they wrote for themselves being

read to them that was full-on jan le van zand circa 2006 that was amazing and i love when the when the lady was like you're gonna write eulogies now listen no one's gonna validate your feelings and then they show shannon looking terrified that they're not gonna validate her feelings and then they were like we talked about some serious stuff like david having an affair and it's like dun dun dun and then shannon's anger and volatility and she's like uh she just looked like david what did you say about my anger and volatility david? David? David? What did you put on that poster board? David? David? David, I feel like you were just lowering the chandelier of my love into the foyer. David looked like he was going to start laughing, but then he whipped out some tears. And he said, he was like, you know, to my dear wife, Shannon. Shannon, listen, this is a devastating day for me.

If there's no one to be mad about my affairs, they're not as fun and rebellious. Did I mention how amazing my last affair was? Anybody? It was amazing. Best time of my life. She's like, David, I'm dying, David. Dead David. He's like, Shannon gave me the gift of forgiveness.

And I don't know, like some mashed potatoes once. She kind of messed those up at the dinner party and she kind of mouthed off to me once at a dinner party, so I don't know. She can rot in hell. David. David.

This is not the funeral I wanted, David. They're like, here's her headstone. He's like, uh, head? Where? I want it, give it to me David Why am I lying here? Is this because I wouldn't buy you the tombstone pizza? Is this what you're trying to say? David, you don't need the calories, David

David, I'm trying to be a better wife I'm trying to get you the frozen pizza that you want But I need my frozen pizza in the shape of love David It's not delivery, David. It's to churn up. David, my love cannot be delivered, okay? It just, it has to be

made fresh and put in the oven, okay? David. It's going to take more than 45 minutes in an oven to defrost this pizza, David. David, I need you to put cheese on my love pizza. David. His eulogy was actually very nice to her. His was very sweet. He's like, I'm sorry.

I had an affair. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry. And Shannon's the most beautiful woman. I'm so sorry. And then hers was like, David was a father. He gave me children. And finally he's dead.

He still didn't use the correct fork when he was eating his salad, but, you know. And I can only hope that when his mistress died, she died a slow and painful death. Unlike David, who just died quickly. David, why did you die so quickly? David, why did you die without me? David, I thought we were going to die together.

David, David. David, I bet you like that ground more. David, I'm sick of it. Why did you go to sleep so early? Why did you die so early? I wanted to die at midnight and you died at 8 p.m. David. David was so amazing.

I've brought Dr. Moon by to put a thumb in his ass before he's buried so he doesn't die with a cold. David. David. David. David. David, why isn't your tombstone in the shape of a chandelier? David. David, I put nine lemons in my tomb. David, are you here?

David, I want to be in a mausoleum. When he started crying and she's like, I mean, did you see David? David cried. David doesn't cry. And I've tried. I've dropped the chandelier on him in slow motion. David, David, remember that time when you almost ruined our family?

Cry now. Cry. Cry, David. Cry, David. David, David, are you crying? Why not, David? David, cry, David. David, remember when I served your favorite mashed potatoes and they were dry?

David. David, remember when I put 10 favorite mashed potatoes and they were dry? David. David, remember when I put ten lemons in the bowl instead of nine and it almost made you cry? Don't you want to cry again right now? David. That's not fair. It's all because there were ten lemons in the bowl, David. Who's counting the lemons? David, remember when Heather Dubrow wore heels on our basketball court? David, didn't that make you want to cry? You want to cry

now, don't you want to, David? David. David. David. This. David? This is why our podcast went for two hours last week, because we spent an hour doing Shannon Bedore impersonations with every single little thing. David. David, why do I only have D batteries, David?

Those things are huge. David, these batteries are bigger than my head. David, did you buy these batteries because it starts with the first letter of your name? D for David. Why aren't there an S for that battery, David? S for Shannon. I thought we were going to have batteries together. That's the thing, everything

being wireless, you know, everything needs batteries. Like, how many damn batteries am I going to go through? I'm sorry. What are you doing over there? I'm totally lost because my trackpad batteries went dead and now I can't scroll down to read people's comments on our page. Oh. I don't even know where the manual mouse is anymore, David.

Well, while you... David, why don't you put batteries in my trackpad? No, it's okay. It's done. You're going to have to look at them because it's done for you. My trackpad has been dead for one year, and you still haven't put batteries in it. David, it needs nine batteries. I don't even care if you swap on my trackpad anymore, David. That's how little it's used.

I'm just using an iPad now. It's all touchscreen, David. None of that makes any sense. And no, we're not still drunk. You know, it's hard to laugh. I love the idea of Shannon trotting out the idea that she uses a touchscreen as if that's some evidence of her being a better wife. David, I'm a modern gal now.

I'm like that Megan. I just use a touchscreen because it requires a human finger to touch it. And I remind myself every time I open my mail that I've still got life in me, David. I'm a warm-blooded woman. David, every time I press the icon for Safari, I feel like we're going on an adventure in Africa. It makes us feel alive. David. David,

every time Safari opens, I know that I'm still not as frigid as you think I am, David. Touchscreens. Hashtag touchscreens, David. So that was the first scene. So then we moved on to Heather. Wait.

Somewhere in this, Heather was talking about her. Oh, I guess Heather was with Tamara, right? Yes. Heather's with Tamara. She's like, look, I'm having a party. I'm having a party. It's called 14 Bathrooms and Collette. All right?

We're going to celebrate. We're going to drink until we puke. Everyone gets their own bathroom. 14 people areette. All right? We're going to celebrate. We're going to drink until we puke. Everyone gets their own bathroom. 14 people are invited. All right? And she said, everyone's going to be there except for Vicky because Vicky is receiving an award in Florida, which I could only imagine what Florida wants to give to Vicky. How Vicky will be honored in Florida. Most keychains bother the tourist store.

To Vicky Gumbelson. Oh, I got this one for the maid, and I got this one for my secretary. I mean, Florida, it's so colorful, right? Outstanding crop top wearer on an alligator tour. To Vicky Gumbelson. To Vicky Gumbelson for importing

as many busboys from Andalas as anybody else in the world. Thank you, Vicky, for promoting immigration. To Vicky Gumbelson for importing as many busboys from Andalas as anybody else in the world. Thank you, Vicki, for promoting immigration. To Vicki Gumbelson, she gets a special award in bravery for unclogging the automatic frozen margarita machine. With her mouth. With her mouth. Vicki suction award. So Vicki's not coming, but then she mentions that Lizzie's coming

and then Tamara starts this fake bullshit crying thing okay give me a break let's all remember and you gotta love the editors on this show because they're not letting Tamara get away with this bullshit Tamara's like she was really mean to me and if you look back like on my year it was

so hard and she was so mean and then it's like cut to last year and tamra's like listen here you dumb whore i hope you die and your your vagina falls out jesus vile oh my god tamra i love i love tamra's crocodile tears i know i should hate them but i love them it's just so funny how she can make herself the victim of anything oh i know yeah it's like it's like sarah bareilles says who made you the king of anything tamra barney uh so she's crying because it's been so hard for her and then they cut to vicky going you're miserable am i right she's miserable right miserable! And then Tamara's like spewing venom back like,

shut up, your husband's an idiot! It's been so hard on me. It's been so hard on me. So then... And Heather's like, yeah, it's been rough on you. I mean, it's been rough on me too. Do you know how hard it is trying to make a nanny clean 14 toilets? Not easy.

The other day, I lost Colette in the new Cinnabons we're building in our house. The other day, Colette walked into Spencer Gifts. Do you know how horrifying that is for me as a mother? I mean, she's not supposed to go in there until she's 18. I mean, the other day, I lost Colette, and I was literally

in a manic panic. Like, literally, we were building one in our house, and I lost her. Is manic panic even a store? I think it's just a manic panic. Like, literally, we were building one in our house, and I lost her. Is manic panic even a store? I think it's just a hair thing. Whatever. I actually built the flagship manic panic store in my house. I won't let the kids eat from hot dog on a stick, but we have it there anyway, just so

they can see their goal weight. We're inviting Barbra Streisand over, so that way she can feel bad about her small mall in her house, because ours is going to be three times larger. So then we go back to the retreat i believe and um oh no first we have vicky and brooks getting ready for the party when vicky tells brooks oh now it's our house oh no no no no you're right shopping no the. No, the Our House thing came later. I just thought of Brooks because everybody's like making this ours, this fake Our House thing. Yeah. So Shannon. So it's more of the same stuff. And, you know, they like look into each other's eyes and they say something is like two things that you may have done, whatever. done whatever. It was actually kind of a nice moment when Shannon and David were sort of

mending, and then Shannon has this moment, she's like, she is saying how she really, in her heart of hearts, she genuinely wants to move forward, and, you know, she loves David, et cetera, and then she tells us, like, I forgive David. David. I forgive David for the affair.

I fully, I left this retreat forgiving him for the affair. Yeah. I've totally let it go, the affair. The affair I'm talking about. Hashtag the affair. Hashtag David cheated. But not the bitch. Not the bitch who got into David's pants. Not her. I've totally forgotten all about the affair. The affair when David had sex with some woman. Affair.

I've totally forgotten about affairs. Affair. What? Affair to remember. Love it. Yeah, no. I've moved on. I moved on from that point when David decided I was useless in this marriage and went to some trollop's house. I've moved on. I've forgotten about it. It's movie night. Me and David are renting an Affair to Remember, and we're just going to sit there and hold hands the whole time. Yeah, you know, I mean, you know, David and I have an attraction that cannot be broken into.

It's almost like we have a fatal attraction, and I will never, never forget the affair, but I do forgive him. It's like fatal attraction, but David sleeps with really lazy people. I mean, this girl couldn't even boil a bunny. I told him, David, is this the kind of girl you cheat with me with? The kind of girl who can't even cook? David? David? David? Where are you going? David? David?

I made your favorite... David, I made your favorite mashed potatoes to go with your mistress's boiled bunny for dinner. David. So, is this the scene with the kids? Or is this where the young girl's shopping with the old man who hates her ass?

So, the kids are a little bit later. So, next we go to Jim and Megan shopping. And you know what I realized? Jim and Megan are exactly like Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Wiig playing the assholes on SNL. later so next we go to jim and megan shopping and you know what i realized jim and megan are exactly like jason sudeikis and kristen wigg playing the assholes on snl hey babe watch this babe yeah babe why isn't why isn't this chair why is this chair so puffy i don't know babe let's make it less puffy why is it puffy it's ugly except that he has open hatred for her yeah open like he is not even bothering hiding that shit.

They're walking around some store, and she's like, yeah, we need to shop because I'm his third wife. And, like, he got divorced, and I moved in the next day. And his house is full of her things. And I make things mine by just buying new stuff and putting it in there. It's like you're spending the same money. Like, how is it different? You may be buying a different colored, you know, glass dragon for the living room, but it's still spent with the same credit card, bitch. Yeah, exactly.

Like, that wrought iron chandelier is not going to suddenly make everything wonderful in your marriage. And she's like, I feel like Tuscan is sort of rustic, but has a rich feel. And I'm like, girl, if you think that, like, by you bringing rustic furniture into this house,'s somehow gonna like make it your own you're like you're sadly mistaken because clearly the only look that people go for in orange county is rustic tuscan furniture i mean so it's like you're just gonna be replacing tuscan furniture with tuscan furniture so this whole idea of like making it over with your with your marriage replacing bad with bad also why is it okay to like, why is it bad if you, I'm sorry. Why is it such a bad thing to share someone, some old woman's candy dish that's out of the house now? You're sharing the same penis.

Yeah. If you're going to change something, change that. Yeah, exactly. I love that everything has to be original but the dick. Give me a break. Yeah, exactly. I love that everything has to be original but the dick. Give me a break. Yeah, exactly. And you know, it's funny because

Shannon said that the divorce rate in Orange County is 70%. Well, no shit, Sherlock. It's because all these like assholes keep marrying trophy wives

and they spend all their time buying patterns. The guys spend their time buying pattern shirts and going to like rock and roll church and the wives spend their time in Pilates

and cut fitness, you know? Yeah. Getting their boobs big. Some states women call divorce, depression, and you know, in California, we call it getting a better job. Yeah. It's called moving up, Shannon.

Okay, try it sometime. Yeah. And of course the man just wants a couch, but I like that he's just openly hating her the whole time he's like you just like to throw things together and see if they work yeah who's talking third wife like what are you talking about you've like thrown women out on the street just replace them with other ones who the fuck you're talking to and then the only thing the man likes in the whole store is some couch that he can just sit there on shut up get out yeah some like tiny

uncomfortable looking couch i've become a joy bay heart today with my shut up get out of here get out of here i don't know why i've been saying a lot of girl another thing girl girl pride your hangover goes away but the gay slang stays with you forever yeah gay pride hangover um and then i think i think i think the next scene or so is still past the affair i still haven't even thought about i mean since the last time you asked me about it i haven't even thought about what affair what affair david what affair david david they have this meeting with the kids and they say we're having this kids we've gathered you here today to have a meeting to see as a family whether or not we should stay together as a family. What kind of meeting is that?

Oh, my God. I would have been sobbing as a child. Yeah, I know. And I was surprised. The girls were, like, cheery, and they were like, so how is marriage counseling? And then David, like, goes and apologizes to each one of them. It was actually, like, a very – I thought it was a sweet scene,

even though it was kind of crazy. And the daughters were like, yeah, I forgive you, I forgive you, yeah. Like, I won't forget, but I forgive. And he's like, thanks, girls. Like, now let's, can we go to Disneyland? I mean, those girls were smart. Like, alright, well, what do we get out of it now? Exactly. We're gonna have, we're gonna put a jar in the kitchen. Every time

you have an affair, you have to put a dollar in there, daddy. And then at the end of the year, we're gonna go to Disneyland. He's like, sure. David. David, I thought we were going to Knott's Berry Farm. David. David. David. David, I wanted to look at the jam, David. Where are you going, David? David.

Do you want to go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? I used to think that our relationship was the Wild Ride. Why don't you like our Wild Ride anymore? David. David. We're going to put a jar in the kitchen and every time you swear at your mistress, you have to put a dollar in there, daddy. Swear at your

mistress jar. So yeah, they all say yes. Those kids are really, really cute. Yeah, they're actually, I think, beautiful. Especially the eldest one. The eldest one is gorgeous. I love that Vicky calls stupid Tamara from Andalas. She's like, hey, I'm in Andalas.

My ear is being cleaned out with a Mexican penis right now. That always makes me think of you. And then they cut to someone licking Tamara's vagina through her leggings in Mexico. This show is horrifyingly funny. I love this show. It is so trashy. And for those of you who wonder, this can't be really what Orange County is like.

No, it is. And anyone who denies it is denying the truth themselves. This is exactly Orange County in a nutshell. Vicky's like, you know, I always think of Tamara every time I go to mexico you know with all the beheadings and the whores etc you know the donkey shows and stuff and brooks is like yep uh she says brooks had his brooks here for his third round of chemo you know that chemo is not guacamole right yeah he is like brooks is like you know you know you've heard of uh western

medicine and eastern medicine well this is southern medicine as in south of the border where they treat where they treat the chemo where they treat the cancer with you know tequila and on delays i've got cancer so i don't want salt around my rim you know that's called taking care of yourself yeah oh gosh and then vicky's like listen you know i'm in a better place with tamra because people used to you know know, say stuff about me. And I get so upset and they say things about Brooks. And now I don't care. I'm at the point where I just don't care what anybody thinks anymore.

Vicky, you're on your 10th face in 10 years. Don't tell me you don't care what people think. Get out of here. How many faces have you had? What is this like? She's like, I finally got a chin that would stay up. My chin is actually it has a twisty tie that reaches back to my ear. How many faces have you had? What is this like? She's like, I finally got a chin that would stay up. My chin is actually, it has a twisty tie that reaches back to my ear.

So my chin always stays up. Chin up. Like the English people. You know, Vicky, she got a motorcycle helmet and she just attached the strap to her chin and then got rid of the rest. So, by the way, speaking of people who also need to get over it, Tamara, who after she hangs up on once she's done with her phone call with vicky she's like talking to eddie like oh my god like it's just crazy like vicky calling me i like i just i can't keep going back to the same fight like she's like we always fight makeup she's like i just can't keep doing it oh whatever her favorite thing in life is to go back to the same fight. That's all she does.

Like, did she not see the past five years of her and Gretchen even after they became friends? Yeah. That's our little Vicky. Oh, Vicky. That was Tamara that time. That was Tamara. Oh, yeah. I mean, they're the same to me.

They're just both awful. And they'll do anything to be on this stupid TV show. I love how nobody talks until the cameras are rolling. They're like, it's time to get back together. Also in that scene was where Vicky was talking about cancer. Meanwhile, you hear like naked busboys slapping their dicks

against like some, you know, whatever. And Vicky's like, oh, he's in his third round of chemo. And Eddie goes, oh, bullshit. Yeah. Eddie coughed out

a nice little bullshit in there. So looks like nobody believes in, in the cancer, guys. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So then we have a scene. So Vicky decided, by the way, that she all she misses everyone. So she's going to have a Mexico party since she had to since she was alone.

By the way, my Vicky accent still veers into Petty Fleur. I apologize, people. Just go with it. So so everyone's getting ready for Vicky's Mexico party, which is kind of hilarious that she has a party called a Mexico party. The widest place on Earth. So first we get a scene of

Shannon and David getting David. And David's like, hey, babe, so should I wear a blazer or this? She's like, David, I think you look perfect like this. David, why do you want to take off your sweater? Is your sweater like me? Does your sweater remind you of me?

Do you want to take it off? David. David. Is that sweater suffocating you, David? The sweater is sorry, David. You have to let it go. It's all about forgiveness, David. David, do not put your penis in that thing, David.

David, the sweater tried its best. David, the sweater tried its best. It tried its best. Not all the mashed potatoes can turn out right, David. David, why don't you get more wine? Why don't you get more wine for the sweater tried its best. It tried its best. Not all the mashed potatoes can turn out right, David. David, why didn't you get more wine? Why didn't you get more wine for the sweater? The sweater. You know, we're having.

David, you have 12 sweaters here. You have to get more wine than that. This is so funny. This scene was so funny to me because it's showing the new David after this retreat. And he's like talking to her like she's five and everything's a question. She's like, David, why are you walking away from me? David, why are you walking away? He's like, I was walking away.

I was walking away because I thought you were done. Weren't you done? Huh? She's like, no, David. I was going to kiss you, David. Oh, okay. I'll come back. Is this what you wanted?

Oh, yeah. There is a kiss. Oh, well, all right. I mean, that wasn't the most exciting kiss in the world, but I mean, it was a kiss. I'm going to let that kiss go, David, because that's what I do. I'm going to forgive you for that lame kiss, David. I am my heart of hearts. I'm going to forgive you for not immediately walking to me and giving me a kiss.

David, I can't blow you a kiss. That's very hard for me. David. David. David, you know I don't like blowing things. We talked about this at the retreat. It was on my poster board. Did you even read my poster board, David?

David, you know that Dr. Moon hasn't worked on my lungs yet. I can't blow you kisses, David. So then we get to this Mexico party, I guess. Well, some people are still at Heather's house. But first we see Lizzie going to this Mexico party. Wait, who was lizzie going with was she with heather in that limo no no lizzie was with her husband christian they just sort of showed up and it was like i oddly enough i was sort of happy to see lizzie i think lizzie is good

in this con we're just lizzie on as a periphery character she works you know because we don't have to see her life because her life is so boring but she comes in and she sort of whines and i'm okay with that yeah we just get to see her in like a prostitute jacket from the 80s and then get to see Tamara abuse her. Perfect. Bye. Heather and Terry drove over with Jim and Megan, and then this girl, I think her name was Katie. Katie, what's her face? Hamilton? Who, I don't know, maybe she'll be a new friend of. And she sort of has this crazy Muppet hair.

Tantastic. Another baseball wife. of and she sort of has this crazy muppet hair um fantastic another baseball wife well actually something i learned from facebook.com slash watch what crap happens uh when i was opening my boxy charm i was reading it um someone said that katie is was supposed to be a new cast member or something and her life fell apart and so they took her out of the show which i'm not sure about because didn't that happen last year with that other new cast member when it turned out her husband was gay and then they tried cutting her out of the show so then there's just some random friend of lizzie who shows up every once in a while to be like well tamra made fun of brooks what do you think about that i thought the i thought the whole thing with danielle was that she was supposed to be the next one but she was

sort of like boring or whatever and then lizzie turned out to be you know starting fights with people and more fun and interesting so they decided to make lizzie a cast member i don't even know but i love that the show just fires people mid-season because they're too boring but someone said that about this katie girl that she was supposed to be one of the noobs but that she ended up leaving because her life fell apart we'll have to verify that somebody comment on the facebook because i have not done independent verification okay yeah so anyway so uh so people are showing up tamra and eddie show up and brooks opens the door for them and what i love is eddie's what eddie says to brooks is oh man you've lost some weight which by the way like even if you think the cancer is fake you would never say that to someone who has

cancer like could you imagine going up to someone who is going through treatment and be like, oh, you look like you've lost some weight. That's awful. I know. Eddie's like, you've lost more weight than anybody in our gym. Can we use this as a diet program? I don't know. We'll just be giving away blue M&Ms now for our new diet. Yeah.

He's like, drink plenty of Diet Coke, you guys. It causes a nice amount of cancer, and it is great for your waistline. Yeah. He's like, drink plenty of Diet Coke, you guys. It causes a nice amount of cancer, and it is great for your waistline. Yeah. Speaking of losing weight, Gina is skinny now. She showed up. Gina Keough. Oh, yeah. Gina looks good.

She was wearing a nice plastic jacket in case Tamara was let loose again on us. Yeah, she wore a poncho. She wore a body-shaping poncho. Totally. She's like, hi, Vicky. I brought you a roll of paper towels that I'm going to hold on to until the party's over just in case. Hope you don't mind. I like that Tamara was going into this saying, oh, I'm going to be so nice to Brooke now because it's more important to have Vicky as my friend.

And then the first thing she says when she sees Brooke is, well, Brooke's made himself at home. Yeah. Well, of course what what did she expect look at brooks thinks he's so great now that he's cancer skinny listen let's not give credit to cancer okay cancer i'm sure fake cancer i'm sure had something to do with it but he's also living with vicky which means he sees her out of wig and out of clothes every single day now. All right. It's not just twice a month. It's every day.

Oh, God. Tamara's just awful, though. And also cancer, possibly. And cancer. Maybe cancer. Whatever. My Facebook. I'm trying to go through on our page, but my Facebook has been just so slow.

I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm just going to close it. You're going to be in charge of Facebook. By the way. I can't know what's wrong with it. I'm just going to close it. You're going to be in charge of Facebook. By the way, I can't. My mouse doesn't work. I literally can only see my notes. I don't even know how I'm going to end this podcast when it ends. I'm going to have to go buy fucking batteries to end the podcast because I can't press stop on the thing.

You can't press stop? No, I don't have a mouse. I can't reach the call reporter button on Skype. I couldn't find them. I have D's and triple A's. I can't reach the call reporter button on Skype. I couldn't find them. I have D's and triple A's. I mean, why, David? Who needs these, David? You don't have a mouse that you can plug in?

I don't think so. Or it doesn't come with a cable that you can plug it in in case of emergencies? No, girl, it's a magic trackpad. They're like, it's magical. Now it's broken and you'll never stop the podcast. David, David, this trackpad is like our marriage. You've broken it. But I forget it.

But it will never stop. It will never stop, David. Wait, put your finger on the trackpad. Oh, David, David, put your finger. Oh, that's too hard, David. David, why are you fingering my trackpad so hard, David? Get out, David. Get out, David.

Don't you, David, you better wear your GPS, David. Turn your GPS on, David. Get out, David. David, you better wear your GPS, David. Turn your GPS on, David. Speaking of Shannon, I have to say one of the great thrills of this scene was watching her interact with Megan. Megan shows up and she's like, oh, hi. Oh, yeah, I remember you from the party.

I remember you from this. And she goes up to David and she's like, oh, hi. Oh, hey, I remember from the party we did shots. And then she turns to Shannon and she's like, oh, hi. Oh, hey, I remember from the party we did shots. And then she turns to Shannon and she's like, oh, hi. You know, I'm so sorry that I didn't get to spend more time with you at that party and get to know you a little bit better.

And she's like, oh, no, it's fine. No, it's great. Don't worry about that. David. David. David, while you're looking at her. Oh, no, it's lovely to see you. I don't remember you at all, actually. That's so weird. Do you still like tequila shots that my husband gives you? Yeah, yeah. Have you been blowing my husband recently, David?

David. Is this your mistress, David? No, it's great. It's great to see you. And you're skinny and smiley. We're going to be great friends. I'm glad to see you're with a baseball player because, you know, you need someone that accepts that you can field balls. So that's great. We're going to be great friends. Yeah field balls. So that's great.

We're going to be great friends. I think that's great. I'm sure he gets to go make a home run all the time. I guess you guys go beyond first base quite often. Unlike David. David only punts. David. David.

But anyway, she hates Megan. You can see she absolutely hates Megan, which is the best. I love when the old ladies hate the young ladies. And so then we get to the actual dinner, and people are sitting there eating dinner. And Shannon and this Katie girl are oddly enough bonding about church. Shannon's like, well, David and I like to go to church at 5 p.m. and then have date night afterwards. Which, by the way, I can't think of a worse way to kick off date night. I mean, there's

no foreplay like body and blood of Christ first. I'll tell you that much. Usually our date nights start off with awkward silence for 45 minutes. David? I swallow little bits of Jesus, pray, and then it's off to the Olive Garden with David. Very romantic.

David? David, you like the Olive Garden, don't you? David? We stopped going there for a while because if David saw two olives together, it reminded him of his mistress's breasts. David, why don't you ever ask for more salmon sticks? Why is it always more breadsticks?

More salmon sticks. David always tells me they get more more unlimited salad David what are you trying to say David so then so they're talking and then Katie's talking about the church they're talking about church back and forth church church church and then this is why I love the editing on this show

they cut to Tamara going Lizzie does anal oh yeah that lady's like oh I love church oh church is amazing to Tamara going, Lizzie does anal! Oh yeah, that lady's like, oh, I love church. Oh, church is amazing. I mean, what Jesus can do for you in one week is amazing, and everyone's like, I know. Tamara, yeah. Lizzie does

anal! Lizzie and Tamara are sort of getting along, and Tamara's like, well, I can't believe Shannon won't even look at me. She won't even talk to me. Shannon's not looking at me. Well, yeah, bitch, because you're the Lizzie and Tamara are sort of, like, getting along, and Tamara's like, well, I can't believe, like, I can't believe, like, Shannon won't even look at me. She won't even talk to me. Shannon's not looking at me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, yeah, bitch, because you're the devil.

And she's going to church. All right? And then they cut to Shannon, who's totally over everything and doesn't hold grudges against anybody. Well, you know, what Tamara did to me last year, it ruined my family. It ruined everything. I mean, David never would have stuck it in somebody else if someone hadn't brought it up publicly first. I mean, that totally opened the floodgates for David. Like, we literally died.

We were in tombstones, David. Do you remember when we died? I'm not talking to Tamara because I'm dead. I'm a zombie right now. Zombies don't have emotions. Most zombies just want to eat brains, but I just want to pick brains. Mainly David's brain. David, what are you thinking about?

David, David, David. David, David. Stop blocking me out of your brain, David. Give me the new code. Give me the new code, David. David. David. So David's doing this thing through the whole night, which is killing me, where he will not look at anything or anybody except Shannon.

And it's so awkward and everybody's pointing it out and vicky's like oh look at you guys you look so happy i mean look at david he won't even look at anything else he's just staring at you and he's like uh uh vicky please leave me alone i'm trying to stare at shannon that's because basically shannon has turned into one of those little ghosts from super mario brothers when if you turn mario's back against the ghost it comes at you with fangs. And if Mario looks at it, it stops and covers its eyes. So he's like, as long as I stare at Shannon,

she won't come at me with her fangs. He's like, even an upturned turtle won't kill this thing. He was staring at her. There will be no jumping at this party. He's like, just give me a raccoon tail so I can fly out of here yeah and vicky's like oh you want to talk about it let's talk about it i mean what's what's been going on with your tool let's have a lifelong talk about it and shannon's like uh we don't want to talk about it it's too

fresh and it's too raw like one of david's mistresses that we're not going to talk about tonight david david so then um please don't serve a tamale bareback please so then it's like piñata time when this is when vicky says oh you know what mexican party can you have that doesn't have a piñata i'm like uh i think a lot of mexicans are yes every party that mexicans have has a piñata oh let's have a black party with watermelon uh terrible that Mexicans have has a pinata. Oh, let's have a black party with watermelon. Terrible.

Vicky. So let me see. Brooks. Oh, and now Tamara really wants to be friends with somebody because Tamara really has nobody left except Heather. And who needs that in their life? So she's doing her best to make friends with just anybody who will be friends with her. And of course, Vicky is her best to make friends with just anybody who will be friends with her. And, of course, Vicki is her best chance.

So the only way to be friends with Vicki is to be nice to Brooks' fake cancer. So she's like, oh, Brooks, I mean, wow, cancer, huh? And he's like, oh, yeah, I can't eat steak or chicken. I mean, I'm basically a vegan. You know what cancer's favorite meal is? Steak and chicken. If cancer had a city, all they would have is steak and chicken restaurants. I'm telling you, I'm basically a vegan. You know what cancer's favorite meal is? Steak and chicken. If cancer had a city, all they would have is steak and chicken restaurants. I'm telling you, I'm basically a vegan.

I just eat refried beans. Basically, all I can eat is Slim Jims. That's vegan, right? Is that vegan? That's meat. Oh, well, I've been eating that. My doctor prescribed me some Slim Jims and some beef jerky. That's my thing.

So then enter Handgate, which is Shannon's with Lizzie and she looks across the party and she sees Vicky holding Tamara's hand and she's like, now they're holding hands. The cycle repeats. David, David, do you see the hand holding?

David, they're holding hands. David, why are they holding hands? I know what forgiveness means, but I'm not going forget i mean forgiving is one thing but i'm not gonna forget david david and by the way the best part of all this was that somewhere along the way shannon started wearing a sombrero that was amazing the thing you put on our facebook of shannon miserable in a soprano what is wrong with me in a sombrero? So good. I put up three images because at first I was going to put up just...

First I put up a picture of Shannon with Vicky because it was such a funny image. But then when I saw Shannon in a sombrero, I was like, oh my God. And so first I was just going to put this one picture where she's standing with David and on our picture that you see of the collage, the rightmost image is just Shannon standing with David in on our on our on our picture that you see of the collage the rightmost

image is just Shannon standing with David in a sombrero looking off in the distance like what have I done wrong with my life does David still love me and then the middle and then so I was just gonna do that one but then I saw the middle panel and it was a classic like Shannon looking alarmed at something like Like, she sees something. Her claws are out. She doesn't know whether to be panicked or angry. But again, in a sombrero. And then the leftmost one is Shannon just sort of docile and remembering the good times.

Again, in a sombrero. Oh, Shannon. Wrapped in a poncho of my own misery, David. It's keeping me warm at night. Oh, we forgot to mention something, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. In a season that is going to be based on fake Christianity, that we missed Brooke's prayer. I mean, come on. That is inexcusable.

When Brooke says, I think we should pray, and Vicky tells him, well, you're the leader of the house now. You should do it. pray and vicky tells him well you're the leader of the house now you should do it vicky you just told us last week you made him sign a basic non-marital prenup where he owns none of this house okay that guy is not even getting a pier one pillow what the fuck are you talking about you're the leader of the house i'm so sure oh my god so stupid and then brooks is like i want to say rub-a-dub-dub i love grub thank you god and meanwhile behind him is like fire the fire pits or whatever and the most fitting picture ever brooks praying in front of the hellfire yeah exactly oh it's your house too. Till I burn it down, bitch. So then the episode basically ends with Vicky and Tamara talking once again like,

I want to be friends. I'm sorry. It's been six months. And, you know, stay out of my – don't talk to other women about Brooks. The usual stuff that happens at the beginning of every season. Yep. And those two are holding hands, which means it's going to be a fun season for us. Because, frankly, I think it's so much more fun when they are teamed up against people that they hate for

no reason instead of hating each other for no reason yeah so that was that some good young women hate i don't know why funny funny funny episode um question ronnie do you want to run out and get your batteries now? No, no. You sure? Yeah. Okay. Let's power through, darling. I just want to make sure it'll be okay.

I don't want to be stuck. Well, I took batteries from my keyboard and put them in my mouse, so now I just can't type. So later when I'm formatting the episode, it takes forever anyway. So you'll be able to stop the recording? Yeah, now I can stop the recording. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, yeah. There's no batteries close to here. There's only totally useless

things around here, like a Whole Foods. I can get a $20 banana, but I can't get a fucking battery. Yeah. So I think now that we've talked about Real Houses of Orange County, I say we have a palate cleanser, and the palate cleanser should be the new dishes at

Pump. This is on the Bravo website. This is Lisa Vanderpump reveals five must-try summer items at Pump. Oh, my God. See this? Shrimp's scampi, darling. They're like shrimps, but they're really scampi shrimp. I want them to have attitude, all right, darling?

Well, so first things first. So Lisa is here with her chef, her executive chef, who is not Chef Penny, darling. I guess Chef Penny has left her post. And this is now Chef Derek. And I am not happy to see that Chef Penny is nowhere to be seen. I just imagine she's on the lines somewhere. Chef Penny, fire up the grill.

Chef Penny, all right. Chef Penny's in the back smoking a cigarette on brick from chopped, all right? Just leave Chef Penny alone. She's at her post. All right? Her post is now

by the smoker's lounge. Sexy cigarette. All right. Chef, okay. Chef Derek, all right, let's get out a summer menu, all right?

These are five things that we just have to have, all right? Okay, so here's the first one. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this

show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald. Black is beautiful. scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings

on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and

ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Papaya with crab. So the first must try item is papaya with crab oh this is lisa talking i hate to brag but i just have to a little bit it is my recipe it has spicy crab with shrimp with a lime mayonnaise and a fresh papaya on a bed of lettuce girl last recipe i had that was lisa vanderpump's was some bullshit warm english potato salad that is nasty warm mayonnaise get out of here l Lisa Vanderbilt. This is, again, it could not look more 80s. I'm sure it's actually delicious, but it's so 80s. And it actually looks, it's presented,

the way it's presented, it looks kind of like a vagina. So anyway, Lisa says, it's the style of our cuisine. It's healthy, healthy, delicious, and crafted by Lisa. We are in. Okay, the next one, everyone's going to laugh. Pigs in a blanket, darling. I mean, Pandy was the cutest little baby, darling. It's time we named

something after her. Yeah, if we had a third daughter, we would have named her Papaya, but we never did. So we made a dish out of her and put it in a pump. Just think of it as our unborn child. You're eating our unborn children every time you eat this. Every time you eat this dish, you're getting a mouthful of

Ken Todd and Lisa Vanderpump. All right. So then the next dish, everyone's going to laugh. I'm literally reading this off the Bravo website. The next must-try dish from Pump this summer. Ahi tuna tartare. What? Chef Benny, get the ahi tuna tartare ready.

So, quote, another must-try appetizer is our tuna tartare. It is served with wonton chips and pomegranate seeds. I've always said that you can judge the standard of the cuisine of a restaurant by the tuna tartare. Ours is second to none. States at Stern Vanderbilt. Then Chef Derek says, everyone loves this tuna tartare because of all the protein. Gay restaurant. Yeah, tuna tartare because of all the protein. Gay restaurant. Tuna tartare with wonton.

Spend all your $50 on an ounce of protein, darling. You'll thank us later. Darling, this was inspired by the time I heard a Debbie Gibson song in 1987. I mean, came up with this dish right then and there, and it's timeless. Although I'm not going to lie, I actually do love a tuna tartare dish, so as much shade as we give

Pump for their tuna tartare, I do love it. So what can I say? Okay, the next one. Must-try dish. Sexy dish for the summer. This is going to break all the culinary rules. This is going to get the James Beard ward in here and Pump. Next dish, salmon.

And that's all it says. I ate that last time I was there. That's not new. It just says salmon. She goes, okay. This is a quote. For a main dish, our salmon is a must try. It is really delicious, says the British stunner.

Chef Derek walks us through the dish. Says the British stunner. Salmon. Just imagine it was like a slab of salmon. Lisa Vanderpump presents salmon. So he goes, we have baby organic arugula as the base. We have

light fried Brussels sprouts with pine nuts and raisins. We have a mango dressing and roasted pistachios. It tastes great. By the way, you know what? It's funny. You know what I made last week, as mentioned on your periscope and on my Periscope? I made salmon over a bed of arugula. So congratulations.

The Ben Mandelker culinary influence has made it to pump. Oh, fuck that place. I had the salmon last time. That is not new. How are you serving people salmon and tuna tartare and calling that new? Get out of here. That is not new. Salmon over arugula.

Darling, we got salmon over arugula, and this is what we're going to do. We're going here. That is not new. Salmon over roux. Darling, we got salmon over roux. This is what we're going to do. We're going to add some pistachios. Jesus. It's going to be served to you by Emilio Estevez. We're going to bring him out of the kitchen, and we're going to pretend he's still uglier than Charlie Sheen, and then he's going to serve this to you,

and you're going to like it, all right? This next dish was inspired by the series premiere of alf in 1986 also pigs in a blanket it's called the pink rose another sexy dish for the summer so now she goes all of our desserts are made are specially made for pump The must try is the pink rose. It is very pretty. Okay. So then Chef Derek says, the pink rose is a great dessert.

There's a layer of cake, a layer of chocolate mousse, a layer of white chocolate, and a pink chocolate rose on top. Okay. With little raspberries on the side. Oh my god And when you order it The older sister from Mr. Belvedere brings it out to you on a plate It is the finest look of 1988 Oh Lisa

What else is that all of them No this is the last one Alright This is the fifth must-try sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy dish for the summer. It's a Mediterranean board. The next must-try is the Mediterranean board. It is just a beautiful mixture of hummus, different spreads, olives, pita bread. It's beautifully prepared.

It's very visual. So basically it's three out of five things are not cooked at all. So, well, what I love is, okay, now this one is not from the 80s. This one is, you know, hummus and all that stuff is a little bit more modern. But I love that this is like

this must-try, sexy option. If you look at the picture, it looks delicious. It's like hummus and baba ghanoush and lebanese and other things. This must-try sexy option. If you look at the picture, it looks delicious. It's like hummus and baba ghanoush and lebanese and other things. But it is just like, they just cram it onto this wood platter. This is the least sexy look of spreads. This looks like these spreads were just shat out of someone's ass and plopped onto a wood plank. And I would eat it all.

But this, girl, this is not sexy. Look at this other girl. Gay pride hangover. Also, you know that's like $50, and that shit costs like $4 to make. Yeah. So we've got some chickpeas. We put it in a blender with a little lemon juice and some tahini, darling, and a little bit of garlic. You know, we blended it all up, and then we've got some olives from a jar.

And that's it, pretty much. That'll be $50. All right. Darling, here's what we do. then we've got some olives from a jar and that's it pretty much that'll be 50 dollars all right darling here's what we do we're gonna get two things we're gonna we're gonna get a blob of baba ghanoush and a blob of hummus and then we're gonna take two chives all right and then we can just lay them across across each other like a big x like a big chive x as if a hurricane's coming and we're protecting all the dips with this tape of chives, okay? It's a hurricane of flavor, okay? It's coming to your mouth, courtesy of Pump. Hurricane Pump.

Hurricane Pump. Oh, Lisa, darling. Well, I can't wait to go to Pump and complain about that food, because last... Oh, no, this wasn't at Pump. This was, sir, with the three little tiny goat cheese balls for, like, $15 or whatever. Love you.

I love you, Lisa. I love you dearly. And I love your commitment to outdated foods. Listen, I don't want West Hollywood to be fat, alright? And the way that you do it, it's like they did with cigarettes. You just keep raising the prices until they can't eat.

And if they do still want to eat, they just work their way up the corporate ladder and work their little butts off, don't you, Panty? Thank you, darling. I love you, darling. Good daughter. Hashtag good daughter. Good daughter. Good daughter. Alright. I have to go pee, so can we pause this for one second? Ew, then I'm going to have to press paste.

You bastard. That was actually a perfect break because look who found some batteries. Don't tell me not to buy shit from the dollar store. I mean, it's the same place I go when I'm desperate for condoms. What do you mean you're pregnant? And I got to eat some peanuts.

Whenever you need a light bulb that lasts a week, get you to the dollar store. Do you know how many teen pregnancies could have been avoided by just going to CVS? I just get my batteries from Costco and they last like a year. Oh, for real?

I ain't paying that $50 Costco thing every year. I never go there. I don't even have room in my apartment for that much toilet paper. Well, I'm telling you, there are certain things at Costco that are worth getting. And batteries is one of them. And paper towels. And there's something else I need to get from there. Oh, egg whites.

If you like egg whites, although I can't do egg whites anymore. But if you want to get the pre-made ones, you can get a big thing for like $6. Gross. But I do have batteries, so great. Now I can type. Yeah. Now I can type and use the mouse. Wow, technology. Watch what crappens remains

the most professional of podcasts. Totally. You know, Sonia Morgan actually has the right idea with actually using interns as her mouse and her computer. I'm surprised you didn't send out the bat signal to Sonia. Computer number three, keyboard one is down.

Pickles, I can't navigate Facebook, darling. I like that it was like Lisa Vanderpump calling out for Pickles. Darling, Sonia, please send Pickles this way. we're having an awesome machine emergency guess what just happened and i'm not even lying now my other batteries are dead what the hell

now i still only have what okay we need to stop talking about batteries this is starting to turn into fucking shannon's divorce story yeah all right So can we, so we have three other shows. I don't know which one. Why don't we do Blood, Sweat, and Heals? Because I thought that was entertaining and there was a big fight. I don't know. How are you going to pick?

Like who's watching, who's, which is the most popular show? Married to Medicine, Blood, Sweat, and Heals, or Mother Funders? We're racing to the bottom this week. You know,

I was, I was mad because I watched, I watched Blood, Sweatat and Heals at like midnight like two nights ago and I was so tired I was like I just can't I can't take notes I don't have the energy I was like don't worry I'll remember this all because this is all so funny the only thing I remember

distinctly I mean I remember what happened but after there was this big fight and we'll get into it is when the girls separate and Melissa's crying in the boat, Arzo comes over to her to console her. She's like, no, she's like a monster. She's like,

no, girl, your career isn't ruined. You're not about that life. Oh my god. Alright, so let's start from the beginning, because I did actually take notes on that. That is the best part of an extremely boring episode. You loved it. I know you loved it.

Tile and all. Maybe blame the tile and all PM. I don't know. Maybe because you're watched. Did you watch it after Gay Pride? Is that why you were on? You were coming down? I watched it yesterday, but yeah, I was still.

I was a mess yesterday. I was a zombie. I just stared at a wall pretty much all day. Like it hurt to even watch TV shows. I had to make myself watch the shows. To be fair, the other two shows we'll be talking about were god awful yeah well this one was i guess still fun because we knew it was the last one and i knew shit was going to be going down on blood sweat and heels and i was kind of excited to watch it but it was kind of anticlimactic um but anyway it starts off with shanti, who's having a flawless affair, darling.

And this affair for flawless needs to be flawless, all right? Listen, I'm running a business. I'm an independent woman. And there's no other company in town that's going to get you a busboy that can shoot fire out of his ass, all right, darling? Aim higher. Yeah. Although I have to say, considering all these Bravo stars with their fake events, et cetera, you know, hers looked actually pretty impressive.

And she did have time and Forbes there, which, you know, I didn't see that in any, you know, opening for the Colette sparkling wine brand, you know. Because Shanti knows how to do it. Listen, any writer, especially a poor one one which if you write for any kind of publication you're a poor writer i mean let's face it unless you're stephen king or mary higgins clark you mean poor as in like no money poor yeah poor poor no yeah it's like not bad writers but could you imagine the new york times oh terrible writing although i did see at starbucks today that the new york times is two dollars and 50 cents i'm

like this is why nobody reads the news that's how much i used to pay for a pack of cigarettes why am i going to pay that to read some some terrorist bullshit anyway um blah blah blah yeah so she's having writers there listen all you have to put on the invite is there will be free food and drinks you'll get writers from everywhere. We're not picky. I just can only imagine. Do you like how I compared myself to a New York Times rider? I also wonder what Forbes was thinking.

Why did Forbes want to cover an event for basically people who like fire breathers and sword swallowers? Forbes is for people with not money. It's not by people with money. They probably showed up with a bunch of Tupperwares. That's true.

I'm sure those lavish parties at the Hamptons or in Old Greenwich, they ever know and then they do want a fire breather. And we don't know that they came anyway. We know that the PR lady said that they were going to come. That's not the same thing. I know. Oh, it's flawless deception, darling.

Flawless. So that's how it starts she's getting ready for this big party um and they're shoving all the parties in this episode because they're all boring and there's like 10 parties in this episode they're only real housewives of melbourne yet basically yeah yeah yeah there were so the next part is uh demetria my wedding is in 10 days i'm so excited i didn't think i was gonna a bride, but now I'm a bride, and it's fun. And it's great. A bell in Brooklyn, and now I'm going to be a married bell

in Brooklyn. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Huge deal. So Greg, finally, they had a really deep talk that went something like this. Greg, I really want Geneva to come. No. Greg, it means a lot. Okay. Greg, I love you so much kiss kiss the end so more or less yeah

she finally got greg to say okay and and guess why you guys because geneva and her are really tight and geneva yeah has actually answered the phone at two in the morning she actually said it again i was dying i was that's why I was laughing this episode, because all of our inside jokes that we make on this podcast were coming through. That's why I'm shocked that you said it was so boring. I was like, it was hilarious, because Demetria kept on saying everything.

She did not say it's a big deal, but she came damn close. She was like, it's like a big occasion. She said it's huge or something, and I started laughing. So this scene, she's like, Geneva would answer the phone at 2 a.m., which still I'm wondering what the hell she's doing at 2 a.m. except cleaning teeth out of her goddamn teeth. Did I say teeth? Cake. Cake out of her goddamn teeth.

But anyway, she's clearing out her closet so that Greg can move in. And she's like, of course I'm going to give you part of the closet space. You know, I need to have half the closet for the cake samples we couldn't get to, you know, get them out of the free. Get that freezer in here. It's a big deal. Like, literally, it was a deal I got in the freezer. It's a big deal. And she's talking about and I totally understand this.

Anybody who struggles with weight totally understands the clearing out your closet. And you're like, look at all the memories. That was 20 pounds ago. And that was 30 pounds ago oh my god look at prom i only ate fingernails and mustard i was so cute throw it away oh my god this is the dress i called at 2 a.m when i was like what do i want to wear tomorrow and i called the dress and she was like ah put me on um so i just thought it was funny that she was clearing her closet and greg's like okay i have some old navy cargo shorts that can go there yeah i'll put the clippings from my goatee there so shanti is getting ready and people aren't being let in because they're not ready

or something i mean it was just a bunch of rented tables and some like fruit on a plate i need to change my energy i need to switch energy. I need to go outside and switch my energy. Yeah. Where's Milky? Is he pooping somewhere? Milky, don't poop. Milky, I said lie down, turn in a circle, pick your nose and do a backflip.

Oh, Milky, so stupid. Everyone look at Milky. He's going to be the new star of Pirates of the Penzance. Do you know how hard it is having a stupid dog? My dog should be working. I have a lazy dog. Sit down, Milky. Sit down.

No, don't shit, Milky. You're shitting. Stop shitting. Just be down. Down. Where's Diane Katz? Diane Katz, Milky's down. She's down. Oh, she was down just a second ago, Diane. Milky has expired, Diane Katz. Diane Katz, can you get Milky into Crazy for You?

I hear they're touring again. Crazy for You. Nothing like a bitch on a tin roof singing Gershwin, darling. Milkie can do it. Darling, I hear they're doing a revival of Grand Hotel. Is there a part for Milkie in there? Diane Katz, get her in there now. We make all the British women on these shows

just bossy. They just boss people around. They are, though. Diane Katz is coming in to pump. Yeah, they're all Act 2 of My Fair Lady. None of these girls are like Act 1. We do need a show like that where they're like, Hi there, Mr. Governor. You want a fight?

I'm like farting on people. Oh, Eliza Doolittle before you got classy. Come back to me. I can't wait for ladies of London to come back so we can just do bossy British accents the entire time. And just talk about how horrible Americans are. And talk about Andrew. Or Chris, whatever his name is.

What was his name again? The one who jumped off of the ceiling? The one who jumped off the roof? By that girl with the fake London accent? What was her name? The gold digger? Scott. What about the designer? What's his face with the muse she's

like i was sort of like his muse oh yeah yeah valentine uh who's music i don't even know i need the i need this shit to be on or i don't care yeah i forgot his name i have to look up the designer designer mcqueen so she's so worried that her catering thing isn't going well or whatever and then we see some of these talented people. Okay, poor waiters. Okay, look, here's what I have to say to the waiters who work for Flawless. You guys, if you're homely and middle-aged and you're a waiter and you're thinking a better way to make money is by swallowing a sword,

no, go to college. You can do it online now. Listen to what we read about the Big Brother cast. You can be educated anywhere. You know, being a waiter who Listen to what we read about the Big Brother cast. You can be educated anywhere. You know, being a waiter who swallows a store, you're still a waiter, goddammit. Make an effort. So then, basically,

I mean, Daisy gets a fever. There's some sort of stuff where Daisy has a fever and whatever, cancer, cancer, cancer. First, Melissa was like, look, there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room, and then they cut to Geneva's face. That is not nice, editors. Geneva came in dressed like a blueberry.

So Geneva and Melissa and Arzo were all sitting together. And then, of course, I think it was Melissa who started up. It could have been Arzo. Melissa's like, you know, she starts being annoying about um just well they knew I guess they knew this was the finale party so they came in just ready to go at Geneva and Geneva who's you know suing the NYPD blue at this point and attack commission yeah and she's already been in trouble so she's actually trying to blow it off at first and melissa will not stop man she i can't believe you call i don't remember exactly what she said but it was she was bringing up the

stuff about geneva calling greg a bitch ass or whatever and geneva's basically saying like she's like you know i already talked to my friend i already talked to my friend about it we're working on it it has nothing to do with you we are working on my friend and i are working on it right now we are working on it so we'll just stay out working on it right now. We are working on it. So we'll just stay out of it. But I'm just like, what sort of friend is it? And Arzo's like, yeah. Like, yesterday when we were saying that, I mean... Yeah, Arzo. Oh my god. She's like, yeah, but I think what she's trying to

tell you, Janina, is that you're like a terrible person and a horrible fat whore. Yeah, like you're gonna bring out the dragon? Like, that's... Why would you say that to your best friend? Like, how can she call you at two in the morning if you might be with a dragon? Are you, like, Big Khaleesi? Yeah, I've seen Game of Thrones, and those dragons just start poor people on fire.

It's like you're calling Melissa poor just because she's a real estate agent now. That's not cool. Like, I don't get it. Like, why do you say you're bringing out the dragon? Are you, like, in Shrek? Are you, like, the donkey, and, like, you have a dragon who's in love with you? I just, I don't, I don't get it. Like, why don't you say you're bringing out the dragon? Are you like in Shrek? Are you like the donkey and like you have a dragon who's in love with you? I just, I don't, I don't get it. It's not cool.

It's not cool. I really don't appreciate what you did because I was sitting in the car frowning with my face on just because that's in its natural state. And I was worried about my parents not liking Ys Deity. And then you started talking about breathing dragons and stuff on your phone in my car i mean it's rude to talk when someone's driving you know do you remember that book drophus the dragon that was like a seminal book in my childhood and for you to mention it makes me sad because when i was a child my parents were mean to me so taniva is just trying to say uh listen stay out of it i'm friends with my friend

and my friend is my friend and I've talked to my friend and you're not my friend and that's what it is. And then R is like, oh my God, you're like horrible. And Melissa's like,

it's my friend and I care. I'm going to stick up for my friend. Because if I see someone being mean to my friend, I'm going to do this. And someone says that about my friend, I'm going to stick up for my friend. And like, shut up, Melissa.

Shut up. Please go create Overboard with Goldie Hawn. Yeah. Melissa's like, I'm totally going to stick up for my friend. And like, shut up, Melissa. Shut up. Please go create Overboard with Goldie Hawn. Yeah. Melissa's like, I'm totally going to stick up for my friend until they get cancer. And then I'm ditching them for a friend who can walk more. Because, you know, I'm a real estate agent. And I cannot just be waiting for cancer patients on the sidewalk.

And Arzo's like, you're a good person. You're a good real estate agent and a good person. And you deserve everything. You're about that life. You're about that real estate life. You're about that real you're about that so it starts exalate exalating okay now i'm actually turning into geneva so it starts escalating and geneva stands up and gets starts getting wesley snipes from that princess of the desert or whatever priscilla queen of the desert so she stands up and starts getting in her face and then melissa stands up and almost falls over not because she's drunk but because she's in heels

and then Geneva's like oh yeah you're gonna fall over oh I hope you can stand honey and then it just became this stupid fight I don't even know what they were talking about what bothered me was that like the camera was right there and then when things got physical all of a sudden we saw a shaky camera shaky shaky

camera running around what's happening and then we sort of cut to it and the fight was sort of like all of a sudden we saw a shaky camera, shaky, shaky camera running around. What's happening? And then we sort of cut to it and the fight was sort of like it was already over. And I felt like, bravo, how could the cameras not be there? So basically, you know, Geneva has a gash on her chest. Melissa has a gash on her head. She's like, Melissa's like, my career is ruined. I was like, this is true, but it's not because of this fight fight okay it's been ruined for anything it would have been a cut on your chest

maybe it was that one woman play you put on the beginning of the season but then um so your head is the safe zone okay if she really wanted to go for your jugular she would have gone for your jugs your jugular yeah you're a quite literal jugular and geneva's like, my chest is wide open. They're being separated. And they're crying, etc. And it turns out Geneva threw an ice bucket. I love how Geneva was explaining it, too. She's like, listen, I take responsibility for everything that I've done.

And I understand that there are better ways than reacting. Everything does not require a reaction. I mean, she was yelling at me, and then I was yelling at her, and then she touched me, and then I threw an ice bucket at her head, and then she threw a glass at me, but it wasn't an attack.

It was a fight. That's different. It was a fight. She kept on saying, she was like, this was not an attack, okay? It was a fight. It was a fight.

And all I did was throw an ice bucket at her, and then she threw a glass at me. She was like, all I did was throw an ice bucket at her. And then she threw a glass at me. She's like, all I did was take out a knife. I have busted my ass to be a media powerhouse in New York City. This is not going to stop me. Oh, Lord. No, it certainly won't. Mainly because it hasn't started you either.

No, you won't. The world will stop you. Melissa is just like whining. Melissa is like hiding from the cameras because she probably has a cut somewhere. And she... My career is over! What does that mean? A, what's your career?

Are you talking about the rental on 42nd Street that you did that terrible music in about being a hoe? Or is it the career where you don't sell any real estate and you just give that weirdo from real house or the new york million dollar listing show a scene like is it is it the career when you sort of like sort of gaze at a bride during her photos and then act like you were doing a job that day or is it the career when you just go on like sad meet and greets with your fans from 10 years ago. Yeah, I know it's not your Bravo career, because you know Andy's going to give her a raise. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Is it your career where you don't visit your cancer friend? Yeah, that was a pretty ridiculous thing. And it was also really unfair, because I think they both called the police, which I think the police are kind of busy. I mean, it's New York, you know. And they both called the police, and the police came police are kind of busy. I mean, it's New York, you know, and they both called the police and the police came up and Geneva doesn't talk English. Right. So God knows what they thought of her.

Also, her TJ Maxx tag is hanging out and it wasn't even the tag. It was like the security thing that you need that special kind of pin to get out. And then and then Geneva gets arrested because she thought she was like, how am I getting arrested when I'm the one pressing charges? They're probably like, well, we have an outstanding warrant for your arrest for some handsome cab fares that you owe a horse in Central Park. Handsome cab. You knew that the horse couldn't chase you through that hotel lobby. She's like, excuse me. I called for a cab, and it was a horse. Okay, I'm not going to pay for a horse.

All right, this is the modern age. We do not use horses to get around the city. I mean, what are we? I told that horse not to shit on the street, he did it that was embarrassing i'm not paying that's disgusting i am a media mogul and this is defecating in my mogulness i thought it was really sad because it was unfair because geneva they were both equal melissa was was attacking her melissa did stand up they did put their hands on her first. I agree. Granted, it doesn't give her a right to do what she did.

But then also they have Arzo. It's like two against one. You know, one's telling the police, my career is over and my head is split open. And, you know, you're going to have to unsew my weave to sew back my skin. And then you've got Arzo like, yeah, it was scary because, like, that girl was mean. And she came at her with a chainsaw. Like, you have two of them lying to the floor. Arzo is like, now I can really bond with yesterday because I've been in a riot.

Like, Arzo's lives matter. So, yeah, I actually thought as much shit as we are. I mean, we're totally, like, laying onto Geneva. Arzo's lives matter. Hashtag. like laying onto Geneva ours own lives matter so hashtag hashtag hashtag I can't breathe on this yacht so

no but the thing is that like as much as we're piling on to Geneva about the ridiculousness that she's talking about she actually was she was egged on she was instigated i mean the whole thing the whole controversy was bullshit because you know what geneva when she said greg was being a bitch ass he was and she was pissed off because her friend was being ridiculous her friend her supposed bestie wasn't allowing her to come to the wedding thing she wasn't allowing her to come to the

wedding wasn't allowing her to come to the photos she was mad so of course you can say he was a bitch ass and unleash the dragon and for melissa to latch on to this thing that she heard second hand and she's assigned so much meaning to it and then she's trying to make dimitra mad at geneva she's really really going out of her way um and then when that fails she goes after after Geneva first. I mean, you know, she should be the one at Rikers. They're all nuts. I think Arso's the worst. You can't yell fire at a movie theater, and that's what she did. She basically got these two women pitted up against

each other for no reason. She saw them in my car. And say what you will about Geneva, she was locked up for 24 hours over this bullshit. That's ridiculous. That is ridiculous. I actually do feel bad about her.

Well, they probably just looked up her name and saw she already had something. They're not just going to let that crazy person out. One thing I noticed was that when Shanti was walking around the party, they had a lot of real Shanti moments this week, which was kind of odd because she's normally such a phony. But she had some real feelings about Flawless flawless you guys and um they showed her looking real and i was like she's kind of pretty but also looks like she's being played by eddie murphy and then i thought what a great buddy movie geneva and shanti being played by eddie murphy and wesley

that sounds does that sound good sounds better than this entire season so then basically as the so then the last like 15 or 20 minutes ended uh with two things one was daisy's end of chemo end of cancer party where she got to eat sushi and drink champagne and that was happy for her. That was nice. Because we love Daisy and we love Micah. And then guess what? It was a big deal. The last 15 minutes it was a big deal. When Dimitri was getting ready for her wedding

and she went and walked up I was so impressed that she found a truth telling mirror. Because normally you get mirrors that make you look thinner or whatever. But she walked up to this-length mirror and this fat old man stared back at her and i was like that mirror is amazing and then i realized that her dad was just standing in front of it oh so shady ronnie so shady um it's all the cake did you guys get cake we have samples from all over town that's our cake it's just a cobbled together sample yeah

that's basically monkey bread this is this is what is that when you put together all the stuff i don't know isn't monkey bread pudding i mean i don't know cake pudding i think monkey breads we throw in everything into the thing and whatever so um what i loved is after a season of Demetria holding people hostage for invitations to their wedding. And by the way, Geneva didn't go because of this whole... Because of her arrest, for some reason it meant that she couldn't go to the wedding. I don't know. But after

all of this, guess who goes to the wedding? Arzo. Arzo. New chick. Arzo. Who, if you called Arzo at two in the morning, this is what you would hear. Hi, it's Arzo. And you called Arzo at two in the morning this is what you would hear hi it's Arzo and yes dear D and if this is my mom yes dear D doesn't live here I'm talking about yesterday it's how we say it in America and if it's my dad I'm totally studying to be a doctor and looking for a penis to take care of me for the rest of my life where are you? You said that

you would answer the phone for me at 2 in the morning and you're not answering. I want my cake back. Sorry, girl. I'm a nobody. Hey, girl. I'm not about that life. I'm not being woken up at 2 a.m.

The wedding was just like the classic Bravo wedding thing. Greg was sweating up a storm. They exchanged vows. They all sat at a big long table. Arzo and Yistri were there.

And they were both there. I can see why they bond now because I've seen them together and they're both in terrible jackets. Arzo's wearing some like pharrell like sequined uh dinner jacket that he got at like the thrift store and yes dear uh no that was yesterday and arzo is wearing like a really bad flattened rabbit fur i was like that's a good that's a good couple bad coat couple the coat check will know who you are before you even get there they'll smell your thrift store coats coming yeah exactly um and then i i did love how like micah and um daisy and i don't remember there's someone else that was with them i forget who was it maybe

shanti i loved how they were laughing about the fact that arzo was there like what they're like arzo they had the same response that we did and da Daisy's like, yeah, it's a slap in the face. Like Cancer. Cancer slapped me in the face, but I slapped it back. I won! She did win. She was the hero of the season. I think she's an early nominee, probably, for crappies later on this year.

The crappies where people are totally honored. Yeah. I'm sure she'll be honored for those of you for those of you who are wondering for the uh for the cancer storyline that was wrapped up in a nice bow by finale day that award best cancer timing goes to daisy but actually though i'm so glad to see her being healthy and it's crazy on bravo having all these cancer storylines at once and people are just like which cancer is real and which cancer is fake? It's actually a really fun online discussion these days.

Yeah. So why don't we move on to another show? Yeah. Someone got annoyed last week that a recapper was making fun of Brooks' cancer and she's like, I can't believe you'd be like that with someone with cancer.

I mean, not funny. I'm like, you know what? It's not the cancer we're mocking. It's Brooks, okay? Brooks would be funny with fucking leprosy. His arm could fall off and I would still make fun of him. That would be hilarious. Cancer doesn't automatically make you a good person, unfortunately, Tony.

Yeah, unfortunately, darling. So what do you want to do? Married to med or mother funders? Married to med, let's do first because I have a feeling like the further the further we get the more people are dropping out of this podcast So guess what? Jean's having some problems nomads. So what toy is gonna help with help with nomads, you know With no bad so I'm gonna help him because I know how to do stuff She's like, uh, you know,

I know I can get on walkie-talkie, you know, and I can be like, hey, who needs an ambulance? Who needs an ambulance? I wrote prescriptions

before. I told Dr. Jackie she was bad. Yeah. Can you imagine? She just goes to people's houses and judge them.

She's like, I wrote you a prescription. It says you're too fat. The end. The end. The end. Hey, you know what I'm going to do for Nomad? When you show up at people's houses, I'll call them up and be like, hey, ding dong, guess what? Eugene F. came to your house.

Invoice him. What I should have did was I should have been part of Nomad from the ground floor. No bad from the ground floor. So this episode starts with that montage, the beginning of the season montage, where everybody's just getting ready in the morning. But it's not the beginning of the season. And it's ten minutes of watching people do stupid things and getting ready. And it also doesn't make sense. Like, one, some, like, Toya's talking about, like, so what does everyone want to have for dinner? And then they get to, like, Heavenly be like, all right, everyone, here's breakfast.

Like, well, at least here's beer's breakfast. Like, well, which one? At least be consistent in your montage. And Heavenly feeds her children heaping plates. Heavenly looks great. She's like gotten in better shape and stuff. She's like, here's your egg from your breakfast.

And here's your pie. Here's some cream cheese and your shake. It's like, geez. You want to talk about a diet? None of her children ate the toast. Did you notice that? Young people already know.

Naturally thin people know. They leave half of their food and their toast. Yeah. Well, you know what? Her daughter, Allura, is still so cute. And I actually really like the scene where Dr. Heavenly cleaned her daughter's teeth. I thought that was actually a really sweet little fun scene. I mean, it was cute.

She was like, I was a mother taking care of a daughter. I guess. That was boring. I don't know. I guess I'm... And then we had Dr. Simone talking to some big woman about having a baby and talking about how they do the plow and stuff and how they use their own turkey baster. Yeah, that felt fake to me.

That felt like a fake scene. And then you had Quad. Quad decided, she's like... So Quad's decided to hire a private investigator because Lisa Nicole's going to be looking up stuff on me and know what I'm going to do. I thought she was going to say, I'm just going to air out everything in my past

and then she will have no more powers. But instead she's like, I'm going to hire a private investigator for her. And I'm like, Quad, this is not how you solve an issue. Yeah, Quad's ridiculous. And she's like, I'm going to find something.

I don't know why she'd come against me. And then it's like, what are you going to find out? You're going to find out that her husband's had 20 affairs, and that he's got a tax lien, which we find out later. And that another marriage by marriage that marriage is not gonna last long so then quad i love so quad goes to this diner to meet with the private investigator and they're both wearing fedoras she's wearing like an overcoat looking like mcgruff the crime dog and then she's like the pig has flown over the ocean and he's like the flapjack has done jumping jacks named Jack. And he's like, the French toast has entered Germany.

Someone has married the ketchups, and those ketchups is in nuptials. What? The Monte Cristo sandwich is now open-faced. Early bird specials don't just get the worm anymore. The moon is not only over Miami, but also over Orlando. I love any time Quad is on. I never know what the fuck she's talking about. And he's like, what?

What are you talking about? And he's like, we don't do that anymore. I was like, and by the way, you don't have to use a special catchphrase when you have a camera crew that entered with you. It makes it pretty obvious who you are. Investigator. I'm trying to see where we are next because we're not even bothering to stick to notes today. Screw it.

What was the point of even writing them? I'm just going through the main stuff that I can remember. So then, as for Dr. Jackie, she has decided to organize her fat shaming into some sort of quest, and she's going door to door with her trainer and be like, guess what? You're fat.

Now it's time for you to lose weight. Come to my fat camp. That was rude. I'd smack that bitch if she did that to me. Who does that to their friends? You're too fat. Do jumping jacks right now. And only the fat one did it.

Or the ex-fat one. Because I read this article about how fat, well, it was specifically fat women, actually. I was about to say fat people. But this article about how fat well it was specifically fat women actually i was about to say fat people but it was about how fat women are always apologizing which is true and i am a fat woman and it's true like if someone slaps slams the door in my face i'm like i'm sorry like what you have to be sorry because you're overweight it's bullshit and the only one who fell for that was the ex-fat one heavenly yeah she Yeah. She's like, okay, I'll do some jumping jacks and then I'm going to jump and jack past

you, mama! So that was rude. Then there was also a scene of Lisa Nicole, you know, who has now somehow found out that there's a private investigator coming for her. Which, by the way, great

work, P.I., that the subjects know that you are snooping around. Oh, did she know? I didn't realize that she knew that he was coming for her. Well, yeah, because the whole reason they were talking was because she was like, well, if Quad tries to come after me, all she's going to find is the tax lien, which is bad because, you know, you didn't pay your taxes

and now since we're married, it makes it look like I didn't pay my taxes. But we all know're married, it makes it look like I didn't pay my taxes. But we all know I had nothing to do with it, right? I had nothing to do with it. I paid all my taxes, right? Yeah, and he's like, I'm sick of talking about taxes. And she's like, but it's 9% of everything you spent. It's the taxes.

You know, and everybody knows you pay taxes except my husband who doesn't know anything. It falls on me now because now we're married and so now it's my problem. Really? You didn't know that he had all these tax problems when he got married? Also, don't act like you didn't have the tax problems too. She clearly didn't pay her taxes too.

That's what I'm saying. She kept on pinning it on him. Okay, you cheated. Here's your punishment. Everyone thinks you're a tax fraud, but it was me too. At the end of the day, it was her as well. Then when they start fighting and he's like, okay, you cheated. Here's your punishment. Everyone thinks you're a tax fraud, but it was me too. Yeah, at the end of the day, it was her as well. And then when they start fighting and he's like, I'm just sick of you bringing it up. She's like, you know what I'm sick of you bringing up? Your mistresses.

I'm like, what does he do bring up his mistresses? He's like, well, you know, thanks for this breakfast, but my mistress made it better. I'm like, who brings up their mistresses to their wives? I mean, what the hell? Shannon Bedour suddenly shows up. David, David, are you here? I hear something about mistresses. David, are you in Atlanta? I asked David not to talk about his

mistresses anymore, so I'm at your house to listen to your husband talk about his mistresses because I'm an addict. I can't stop, David. Lisa Nicole, I brought a tombstone for you if you'd like to lie down. Lisa Nicole I brought a tombstone for you if you'd like to lie down so I think the big thing with this episode was

there were countless scenes of Eugene talking to Toya and Cecil talking to Simone about like hey the girls gotta stop fighting we gotta get them together we can fix fix this. You gotta do this. You gotta do this. You guys are just hurting. Blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So finally the couples get together at a golf club. Top golf. Oh my god. Have you ever been to a top golf? I don't even know what they're these humongous, humongous complexes and you get on a balcony and drink $15

watered down bullshit, smear off called Tito's or whatever with a Tito's label on it. And then you, um, golf into these big, like gaping holes. It's like the cast of married to medicine just laying there and you're just golfing at them.

And then the lights come on and change all these colors and then you leave and it was like a hundred dollars. Oh geez. So that's where they were overpriced balls. It's like the, the whole theme of this show yeah so simone doesn't want to go in and talk to toya but the husbands make them because as you know as married men in their 50s late 40s know your friends are your wife's friends my

parents go through this too my dad's like can't you just make up with her? She's like, no, I'm not going to make up with that bitch. Did you see what she did? You see that look she gave me at the country club dinner? And he's like, yeah, but I like her husband. She's like, find another find another friend, Eddie. Find another friend. Yeah, that's and that's basically what was happening here. And like from the get go, it was bad because because Simone goes in to give her a polite hug.

And Toad's like, well, I don't know if I want a hug. I don't want to be insincere. I don't want to be fake, you know? What I should have did was show up in a ball so you can't hug me. Like a hamster ball in Jurassic World, you know? And she does really talk like that. And it just infuriates the hell out of Simone because A, she's talking to an idiot.

And then B, she's talking to a mean idiot. I mean, you're there to make up. Your husband told you what to say in the car on the way over. And you're still like, well, you were seemingly nice to me, but then, and then Simone's like, well, when you say seemingly,

you see now it sounds like you're saying that I was never nice at all. And she's like, well, when you say seemingly, you see now it sounds like you're saying that I was never nice at all. And she's like, that was seemingly. Seemingly is like when you sew stuff. And, you know, I had to get my dress seemingly when I got away. I got these big holes in my sweater that I put metal around. I've got big paisley metal sweater holes because there was nobody to seemingly my shirt. Yeah, I have these really weird moths in my house,

and they make huge holes, and then they leave metal around them. They're huge. It's crazy. What I should have did was put some moth balls out. These two start fighting, and then Simone, I love when Simone's mad, and she's so comfortable with being mad now, she just starts screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs.

Storms out of there. And her husband's following her. And she never stops screaming at him. You set me up to fail. I'm sick of you setting me up to fail. I'm sick of that bitch. Yeah. Just like going ape shit on him.

I know. Loved it. I know. It was hilarious. I do wish she had been the wiser one. Because Toya is stupid. Like, Toya is objectively very stupid. And, I mean, Simone was patient at first, a little bit. But she went off the handle, and I wish she could have, like, had the clarity of thought to say, you know what, I'm dealing with a stupid person, and, like, I, like, I, if I can teach this woman something. But, no. She's Simone, and she just went off the rails. And almost, you know, rightfully so, rightfully so.

But still. Wow. But I did like that. I like when Simone, you know, after Toya said that she was seemingly fun, and then Simone was like, seemingly fun? Like, what does that mean? I was a fun faker? I was like a fake having fun?

Day storm off. And that was pretty much the whole show, wasn't it? That was it. It was like fat shaming and stupid shaming. The end. The end. So, bye show. What else is coming on?

Because all this stuff is ending, and I don't think Blood, Sweat, and Heals is having a reunion, because they're all probably in lawsuits with each other. Well, we have Marriage and Medicine. We have OC. And then are we going to have to watch Mother Funders as a third episode, third thing? No, no. So let's talk about this. But let's talk about the beginning one at least.

I mean, we should talk about something until something else comes on, even though this is a 10-hour podcast now, so we could probably do with some fewer shows or fewer shows. I'm talking like Toyota. So we saw the preview of Mother Funders about a month ago and had some thoughts. I thought it was hilarious, and Ben was like, no. And so now, after you've seen the premiere episode, what do you think? Terrible. But I have to say, it's not terrible in the fun way and here's why i like the ladies on it i actually really like them i think they all seem really

funny and it's the first show in a long time where most of them seem like actual real people they're not just fame hungry whores like trying to get on tv this is an actual rural town these are real women even the one who wears the fake, eyelash is so fake that, like, her eyelash glue looks like mascara, the main one. Even her, you know she's real because that weave cost $5

and she could only afford Botox on the bottom, bottom of her forehead. Okay? That's like, that's, nothing says real like that. That's not Bravo real. That's like real person. But they don't follow the ladies around.

It's only, it's actually, this is one of the first reality shows. Instead of it being, like Mary DeMedicine, it's about the lives of the doctors and the doctors' wives. It's not about their jobs. No one wants to sit and watch people actually raise funds for a school. You know what I mean i mean okay so my feelings about this show i mean um it's like burn it with fire like just it's just absolutely awful i feel one of the worst things that bravo has put out but i think that uh like this is down with like lol work with me you know they're trying to if they're trying to be kind of like have take a

comedic tone like game of of Crowns, in fact. But whereas Game of Crowns, you sort of understood the stakes. And what was funny about Game of Crowns is that these women were really excited about really stupid things. Like a beauty pageant that didn't mean anything, but to them it meant a lot. This show does not convey that same thing through the PTO. They're trying to, where they're like, these women are overly wrapped up and involved in the PTO. But we, I think as the audience, we just don't buy it.

It doesn't feel real. And you made a good point. We're just sort of thrown into the PTO, and we're supposed to believe that it matters. And it doesn't. It just felt annoying. It it felt annoying it felt trivial it felt like it felt stupid it wasn't it wasn't funny to me the characters were not that interesting because maybe we didn't get enough of the characters i really have when it's about

fundraising for kids i don't care about that like if it's going to be about the ladies and what they're doing you know like a housewife shows knows how to make be about the ladies and what they're doing, a housewife knows how to make it about the ladies, and then they come together once every four episodes to fight at one of these events. Okay, but it's not that. It's actually about the events. ER was not watching people for an hour give surgery or do surgery. It was about them fucking each other, and occasionally there would be surgery. Well, it also just doesn't feel believable.

I mean, you say that these women seem real. I feel like they seem very fake, surgery well it's also it doesn't it doesn't feel it just doesn't feel believable i mean you say that these women seem real i feel like they they seem very fake um and i think that the these their interactions at the pto feel either scripted or egged on by producers it doesn't it just like this like zero to 60 fighting between carla Robin. I don't know. I know, but the one who's obsessed with her children and hates adults, I love her. She's funny. She's funny. I like her, and I like the NFL wife.

I mean, I like all the ladies on it. They seem like they would be so fun if they were just allowed to be themselves. But even the other ladies on the show are laughing at the main fighting ones because they're just i don't know it's just fights you don't care about and they're made up fights and the main fighting ones just i don't know there's like no way in you know like if you compare carla to game of crowns um what's her face the uh the the the native american one what i forget her you know the one with the black hair the crazy one she was like the queen bee right of that one and like she was like vanessa vanessa yeah because there's something sort of delusional i don't know i felt like she sometimes believes her own

bullshit carla i feel like is putting on a show for us you know um and there there's only one humanizing moment with carla which is when she was making dinner for her kids but I don't know I just thought I thought it was ultimately it was boring I can talk about all the reasons why it was boring but yeah I mean I don't need to go there either it was I wanted it to be

so good because as I've mentioned my mom Rhonda is an old junior league gal and was very involved in all the school boards and all that shit. And listen, none of it was talking about a centerpiece with glued on feathers or any of that shit. It was like,

did you hear when Bonnie stood up today and offered to make cookies for the entire class? What a bitch. You know she was just doing that so that she could look better than me. And then it would become this huge fight and all the women are sitting around with boxes of franzia just getting shit-faced at three in the afternoon talking crap about each other i mean that's where i learned how to be a homosexual telling and i not a homosexual but fabulous and i just wanted it to be that i didn't this is

actually about like poor people hot gluing hot glue gunning stuff to things i don't know i don't like it and then when when Robin got lanyards made and their breast... She's like, let's get lanyards made and it'll be of someone that you know who either died of breast cancer or survived it and it'll be called Hope, Change, and Courage. I'm like, this is not the Obama campaign

first of all. But then she got all these things and Carla's like, rip those off of people's necks. I don't want those. No one wants to think of a bunch of dead breast cancer people during my event i mean there's like there's parts of it where i thought this could be really good but i think right now it's kind of maybe trying too hard it's trying too hard because i keep on comparing it to game of crowns because they are in the same milieu they're sort of like comedic um focused on women the game of crowns doesn't know it's funny i don't think that they knew that it was funny this one they're like let's make a comedy reality

show yeah i feel like game of crowns you know they like there was the first episode there was a giant meltdown because two women wore the same jumpsuit you know to tucson and it was absolutely hilarious it was like i can't believe i'm watching this this is amazing and and you could imagine there probably was a scene and there probably were scenes i can't remember well there was when lynn was having her wedding she was trying to do these decorations and she's flipping out and it's hilarious but when we see the the the meltdown over the minutiae here in this show it just feels forced i don't know it's yeah it's kind of forced it's trying too hard and watch this. And watch this one have amazing ratings, and we're going to be stuck

with it for like five seasons, whereas the gems like Game of Crowns, Secrets and Wives, and Princesses and Gallery Girls go off to pasture year after year. We won't be forced to do anything. First of all, it's the first show that people are begging us not to cover.

It's one of the first that people are actually writing us like please don't cover that but um we don't have to cover it you know part of the fun of doing this show is loving to hate things and it's not fun if you don't love to hate it i mean i hate the shots of sunset i hate it i hate them but it's really fun to hate it this one is just like i don't know i feel awkward because i actually do like the women like that robin girl i think it's funny and she's nice to us on twitter and stuff and i'm like see this would be fine but i just don't like it i don't know maybe she can get another chance on something else you know we have there are a lot of shows we'll figure out we'll still be doing oc on mondays and marriage i'm sorry oc on tuesdays and marriage medicine

you know it's fine we can even just do two shows for now and then we'll have, um, you know, shots is about to end. I don't even know what's going to take shots. It's something that will be coming up next week. I'm sure. Won't it? But you know, but if there's anything that we, you know, we can talk for 90 minutes about two shows.

So don't everyone don't worry. We'll, we'll fill the gaps in with gossip, et cetera. So, and if you guys like this show and you're arguing, you have an argument, please give it to us. I will keep watching the show actually, at least for the next couple episodes because I know what it can be. I've lived

in that life. I know what it can be. So hopefully it gets good. And the first one or two episodes of Vanderpump Rules, when it premiered, I detested it and I was like, this is terrible. Rules, when it premiered, I detested it. And I was like, this is terrible. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. And now look. I mean, it's pretty much everything I've ever watched for this show except The Housewives. Everything we've ever turned on, I've hated. I mean, Vanderpump Rules, I was like, why do I want to watch Waiters? Below Deck, I was like, why do I want to watch Waiters on a boat? Every show, it seems like, that comes out, i'm not into it um but then i fall in love you know it's like when you date a homely poor person at first you're like how could i be doing

this but then eventually you're like oh i like them now you know freak out it's a big deal yeah who knows maybe it'll be good here's what i do know'm tired. We've been talking for three damn hours today. Yes. This is over, okay? We had a long bonus episode. This shit is done. Drop the mic. And I love that part in the preview where Robin is giving a speech at something with a huge check. And she's like, will you take this check from me right now? And she hands the check and then just throws the mic down.

So see, there might be some goodness in this show. I'll watch. I'll watch. Yeah. So see, there might be some goodness in this show. I'll watch. I'll watch. Yeah.

But anyway, for those of you still with us, thank you so much for still being with us. And thanks for everything you do for us. This has been a really fun ride on this show. We'd love to continue it with you. If you want to talk to us and other listeners, our Google Hangout is this Thursday. So that's for subscribers. And we've actually got a pretty good setup this time so we'll be able to video chat with i think eight people at a time and also uh talk to everybody who's watching instead of it just being like eight people you know first come first serve

yeah don't worry i'll tell you later i already tell you what's the setup what's the setup it works is it google hangout it's google hangout but it's done through something called crowd no it's not crack it maybe it is crowdcast and it's done through something called Crowd... No, it's not Crowdcast. Maybe it is Crowdcast. And basically, they embed the player, and then they have a big chat section and comment section. So we can all be there and talk at the same time. So people will have a link to get on camera, and they'll have a link to just watch. But anyway, that's this week. The Ringers will be up this week.

We've got some good Shannon Bidors coming and some celebration of the Real Housewives of the OC for this month's The ringers will be up this week. We've got some good Shannon B. Doors coming and some celebration of the Real Housewives of the OC for this month's iPhone ringers. And you can find all of our personal follow links on watchwhatcrappens.com and what else, Ben? Facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk with us

during the week for live show threads, which have been golden. And to support us, go to patreon.com slash watchwhatcra to support us go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens that's patreon.com slash watch what crappens we will be those are full episodes now basically those bonuses well we're they're not

they're just we just had stuff to talk about a lot of stuff to talk about today but we they won't always be an hour show anywhere between half an hour and five we'll be somewhere in there. Come on, computer. Turn back on. Mouse.

Don't be. Oh, my God. Is both my mouse and my keyboard dead? We'll see. I'm going to go get batteries. So that's what I'll be doing the rest of the day. And for everybody else, thank you so much. Appreciate you guys being with us.

Love ya. Love you. Bye. It might automatically shut off once I hang up. No. I don't think it will. I'm changing the batteries from my trackpad to my mouse. Why are you so eager to hang up all the time?

You're like, bye. My God. Darling. If you want, do you want me to stay? Do you want me to hang up all the time? You're like, bye. My God. Darling, darling. If you want, do you want me to stay? Do you want me to say personal things? What? Don't you want to talk about what my feelings are about things? You know, just general things.

Yes, darling, of course. Let's talk about dollar store batteries, darling. I have feelings. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Slicing, driving friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza.

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To the insurance company that spurned me, our time together has come to an end. And I love you. Not only have I saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance, but also the future tears you were sure to impose. My heart and my coverage now belong to GEICO. Sincerely, not yours, Tara in Telluride. GEICO. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.