Watch What Crappens - #195: Vacation Planning on RHONYC Goes As Well As Expected

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

On this episode of "Watch What Crappens" we talk about the upcoming Turks & Caicos trip on "Real Housewives of New York City" and the subsequent war it starts with Kristen and Ramona and Bethenny. And sort of LuAnn. Then it's off to Long Island for "Secrets and Wives," which is the best new Bravo show of the year. So good we're PARALYZED. Afterwards, we take on part II of the miserable "Shahs of Sunset" reunion. Along the way, we have gossip, sidebars, and President Obama himself overhead! Come listen! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And recently I was reading a really cool article about esports, competitive video gaming, and I was reading about it in ESPN the magazine. But I do not subscribe to that magazine. Instead, I was using Next Issue, which is sort of like a virtual newsstand sort of thing. So the reason why I'm telling you this is because now you can get a free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins. And it's a really good opportunity to subscribe to basically a whole bunch of magazines, all for a very cheap price. And you can have it accessible, like right on your tablet. You can read about The Rock, if you want to read about The Rock in Men's Health.

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Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins? Crappins. Crappins. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. Crappins. Watch what crappins. Watch what Crappens Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch and then talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast.

And joining me is the ever slim, ever funny, and newly sort of sober Ronnie Karam. Still shaking off those gay pride vapors, right? I was going to say newly sober. I didn't quit drinking. Oh, but after gay pride. Yeahors right i was gonna say newly sober i didn't quit drinking oh but after gay pride yeah that's true yeah i realized as i said that it made it sound like you were going through something very serious i was like no no no he's just coming down from gay pride still um ronnie can be found two inches did you give up was it a two inches of a gallon paint can or a dumpster in the back of a Chili's. Ronnie is from trash talk, tv.com.

And if you don't go there to read recaps of all your favorite TV shows, you should, especially if you like big brother on top of all this Bravo junk slash amazing stuff that we cover. So, so that's that everyone, our Facebook page is booming. Wow.

It's so good. Facebook.com forward slash watch where crap ends. Everyone, our Facebook page is booming. Wow, it's so good. Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crap Ends. Such a great Facebook site. I am actually addicted to our own site, which sounds narcissistic, but it's the truth. And then also. I'm reading it right now. Oh, yeah. Pull it up.

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You can go look at that. They are definitely higher, much higher, but they're premium level. So, no, no pressure to take them. But if you feel like really being a super sponsor for the show, then you get a big old shout out on this episode. For some people, they'll get it once a week. Some people get it twice a week. Depends on what tier you're doing it at. Whatever you feel comfortable with or not comfortable with at all.

Whatever. Whatever. You know what? It's your life. I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed. Do what you do. Do what you do.

I don't care. I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed. No presh, guys. We're just putting it out there because why not? Why not cast a net, right? So I think that's really all the busy work, right? And I don't think I have anything to add except that I think Obama just flew overhead with a very special presidential delivery of sliders for MJ.

So I hope she enjoys them. I wish that helicopters would stop dropping sliders on MJ and maybe drop some support bras and dresses without holes in the front that would be great or maybe just like bring back the veil bring back the veil bring back the burka darling that would look like a tent sale at Joanne's girl all right let's go let's start talking Ben first of all we've got big news today, Ben. Big gossip. Two big pieces of gossip. And you know it's true because it didn't come off of Red or Online. Yeah. So supposedly Brandi Glanville fired.

Fired. She is fired. You know the reason why we should have known that she was already on the verge of being fired, etc. Because three days ago, Jeff Lewis finally was able to tell the world that no, when Brandi was crying on Watch What Happens, it was not a joke. Clearly, they were like, okay, Jeff, you can say that because she's fired. Yeah. He's like, no, I was not in on that, all right? I'm an asshole on my own time, not on somebody else's time.

Yeah, no, but Brandi, she be done she's gone well i'm looking at brandy's twitter right now because i mean come on now that's a real newspaper right there if you want real info go to twitter guys everything like it's true it's all like hashtag um i'll cut you bitch so i guess people have been tweeting her all day. But she wrote something. Let's see here. I woke up with a sore throat and a huge decision to make today. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills hashtag.

We'll let you all know later, I promise. And then her next text was, it can be a hard show to do and I've often cared about making it interesting even if it was to my own detriment oh what a victim look at what she sacrificed for us I know you guys she gave up her entire career just to be interesting didn't work oh yeah I saw a tweet

of hers where she said well I guess that like going out of my way to be obnoxious would get ratings oh well I guess it didn't help like don't you did not go out of my way to be obnoxious would get ratings. Oh, well, I guess it didn't help. You did not go out of your way. Okay? If going out of your way is like breathing air, then fine. Yes, you did.

But no. Although Brandy's not a real housewife anymore, so we can stop the hate, all right? Now let's just hug. Brandy in a fight. Yeah. But I do, you know, I do have to say that I love Brandy for another tweet she left, and it was something about feeling fat. Angie sent it to us.

And you know what? I think that there is some justice in the world if Brandy Glanville feels fat. So thanks, God, for making the world fair. Aw, she got all that plastic surgery for nothing. Yeah. It's not, you're not fat, it's just filler. Yeah. She's not fat. So, bye.

Bye! So it'll be interesting to see who they cast in her stead, Ben. Yeah, I am really excited. I mean, it's gonna be interesting. You know, last season ended on obviously a very bitter note, but at the same time, I thought a thoroughly fascinating note.

And I was, part of me, excited to see how the continued Richards family dynamics would shake out. And obviously, this next season is going to have to go in a whole different direction. And I'm afraid it might be like a rebuilding season, you know? So we'll see what happens. Well, I hope we get to see Kyle take some vacations or show off one of her husband's houses. Oh, I hope that we get to see Portia being, like, cute with a capital C and sitting on counters

and, like, lisping. The next Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sitting on counters at Kyle's house. Faye will be like, why did you turn on the garbage disposal? I'm sitting on the counter. Yeah, so bye. I mean, I don't really care. Is that weird?

I still have fatigue from that show. It was an intense season, but it was good. I need more time to pass before I can have fun talking about that show again. For now, good night show. Hopefully with Brandy fired and Kim, God knows where she is in Mexico or whatever, we have a break.

Yeah, yeah. She's probably in Mexico with Brooks sitting at a bar ordering cancer pills. I love this. I come here for the cancer pills too, Brooke. She's on the bar top at Andale. It's just so special to me and my family look they're sea turtles hey brooke no one ever told me you were a lesbian i feel like i've blacked

out so much of your childhood brooke when did you go bald brooke you don't look the same anymore i thought you were a girl god when you were you were a girl when you came out of me uh all right what do you want to talk about well there's another piece of big big piece of gossip Girl, God, you were a girl when you came out of me. All right. What do you want to talk about first? Well, there's another big piece of gossip. Really? And it's about our favorite lowlife, Peter, from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Peter, babe. Babe. So Peter was caught at the club getting real close to a woman. And it was posted on Instagram. And it's this whole thing. And then he puts out this whole excuse like, no, no, no. I wasn't. I was just talking to her ear.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. I know it looks really bad, but it's true. No, no, no, no, no. I was just talking close to her ear because I was telling her the flavors of Peter Brew. I was like, what's your favorite? Senka or Maxwell House? We have them both. Yeah. I would tell my girl about those little pods that you put in the coffee thing and press it down.

It's hard. Yeah. We actually keep our pods in a giant crate right next to where Martin Luther King died. I was like, come over here. I'll pop your pod. It's not cheating. It's just popping pods. So when I put my finger up her dress into her bathing suit area, it was like me showing her what it's like when you pop a Keurig thing. That's all.

I don't have sex with other women. I just have Keurig with them. By the way, my Peter impersonation is so far from what he sounds like. Hey, you know what? I'm Peter. I'm Peter. Yeah, mine gets worse. If I'm not hearing it every week then forget it those things go right out the window i always feel bad for our new listeners like whenever new people come to this podcast and it was like oh my god we really love your podcast i'm like how aren't you like just like

don't you think we're just crazy we just sit and do accents for like two hours and none of them even sound like anyone we're talking about yeah i would imagine that listening to this for the first time it's like watching a new hbo show where you have to wait episode eight episodes to know what the hell's going on or why you're even watching it yeah it's basically like mad max thunder road or whatever it's called um yeah i don't care about peter but i did love that his apology video you know what god God bless Instagram. How did people used to say sorry before Instagram?

How did they do it? Or how did they break up with each other? Because he went on Instagram and he's like, I just want to say, yeah, I didn't do nothing. Drip, drip, drip. Blah, blah, blah. And I love that he was doing it in the car that he bought without Cynthia's permission with her money. Yeah. Like, this is where you apologize.

How about you apologize, like, in line for a job somewhere? Yeah. It's like, thanks for spending all of 15 seconds to generate your apology. Yeah. How about you write an apology letter on a job application? I'm sure that would go a lot further. Yeah. How about you make a nice cappuccino and make the foam look like an apology?

How about that? And then Cynthia came out somewhere. I mean, who even knows? I'm assuming it's Radar Online or the Thrifty Nickel. I don't know. Or the Penny Saver. Cat fancy. Cynthia came out and was like, I better watch my man a little bit more closely.

But, you know, he's just a flirt. Oh, Cynthia. That's good. I can't stand that. These women on Bravo. Oh, you know, he's just a flirt oh cynthia that's uh good i can't stand that these these women on bravo oh you know he's just a flirt gotta be careful gotta look my best because some other woman's gonna steal him he's just a flirt like come on hold these guys accountable for crying out loud like watching cynthia apologize for her idiot man again and then listening to brandy talk about how she's fat you know the summer is supposed to be a time where we're inspired to lose weight.

At this point, I don't even see the point. Like, what's the point? You lose weight to get dick. Really? And then this dick ends up just slapping you around. So what's the point? Just stay fat. That's the new plan.

I know. By the way, today is the last day of my no-carb diet, speaking of trying to lose weight. Well, that explains a good mood out of nowhere, Bean. i'm like hey everyone podcasting you're so excited you're gonna have coffee with like toast mixed into it tomorrow i know i'm gonna oh i'm gonna have a big old bagel and cream cheese tomorrow i'll tell you that much um i'm looking to see uh what because i feel like there was some more gossip, but I'm forgetting. But someone posted, Sonia is back on her podcast.

I guess she's only had 17. I thought she had a lot more. And I wanted to read the descriptions. iTunes was broken on computer number three. So there was an understandable hiatus. Pickles! Where's the podcast? Why isn't it uploaded yet?

Okay, Pickles. So here's the thing. I've got three microphones. They're all broken, but you can use them for parts. So just put them all together and make a new microphone, okay? Alright, so let's start with Real Housewives of New York, shall we, Ben? Yeah, of course. Of course. That should always be the answer, yes. Because I love,

love, love, love, love, love, love, love this show. This show is so crazy. So they started a cupcake party. Oh, yeah. Cupcakes. And I love, love, love, love, love, love, love this show. This show is so crazy. So they started a cupcake party. Oh, yeah. Cupcakes. And I love how when Ramona walks in, she goes, oh, it's very bright in here. It's very bright. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So bright. Why would they do this to me? And Bethany's like, what the hell? Look at you. I mean, look at you. You're here in a cupcake store. What are you doing here?

You doing okay? You okay? You okay? You okay? It's like the cups and the cakes. Yeah. Are you okay? You know what? You know what? It's like, I don't see any cups. I don't see any cakes. But you know what, though? It's a cupcake store what are you doing here you're doing okay you're okay you're okay you're okay it's like the cups and the cakes yeah are you okay you know what you know what it's like i don't see any cups i don't see any cakes but you know what though it's a cupcake store that's okay i like it i like we put things together okay we're efficient this is a skinny girl this is a skinny girl version of cups and cakes they become a cupcake okay no that's great okay it's bright i like

i'm surprised ramona didn't say you know i like a bright cupcake shop reminds me of sunshine oh i love I love cupcakes. You know who else loves them? Mario. Not that I care. I mean, Mario, I don't even care if he never has another cupcake again. He's not getting my cupcake, that's for sure, because this cupcake is new. This isn't a box that says no Mario, because it's new cupcakes.

He wouldn't even know what to do with them. Whoa, this is weird. You know what? This is totally reminding me of when I was a child. Okay, okay. So, when I was a child, one time, Geraldine Parsons-Smith came over, and she was my dad, and she brought over a cake, okay? And so we're all excited to have

the cake, but there weren't enough plates. So she looked at me and said, you know what? You don't get a plate. You have to eat your cake out of a cup. Whoa! Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just, I can't make a cupcake right now. Too close. Too close. I can't make, I can't, I can't drink cake out of cups anymore. Forget it. Forget it. I'm not gonna do it. I don't care what Mario says. Did Mario call? I need to get out of here. I need to drink cake out of cups anymore. Forget it. Forget it.

I'm not going to do it. I don't care what Mario says. Did Mario call? Someone get me a plane. I need to get out of here. I need to go to the Hamptons. I can't be by these cupcakes anymore. Too many memories, okay? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Is there a landline in this cupcake store? Because I just want Mario to have the number in case my cell phone goes out. I mean, just in case he wants to call. I mean, not, you know, you know, not that he would. I mean, not that I care. I mean, who cares? I'm going to turn my phone off.

I mean, put it in my hand and wait. Wait for it to vibe. You know what? The fact that Mario hasn't called me yet at this cupcake store is very day class A. I'm sorry. It's day class A. Bethany's like, how are you? How are you?

What's up? How are you? And she's like, oh, you know, I'm good. It's a new year. It's a new me. Here I am at a cupcake store. Ugh, the lights. It's always a new Ramona.

At every instance, she's like, oh, you know, it's a new month. New me. You know, it's a new day. New me. New cupcake. a cupcake store. Ugh, the lights. It's always a new Ramona. At every instance, she's like, oh, you know, it's a new month. New me. You know, it's a new day. New me. New cupcake. New cupcake store. New lights. I think there's new light bulbs in there.

It's so bright. New lights. New cupcake store. Thank you for getting new lights because it's a new me. Hey, you know what? There's a new roller. I have a new thing of fondant right here. I'm going to roll it out.

It's a new me. New me. New roller. New fondant. I love that Bethany, A a is even in a cupcake store and b claims to go there all the time with her daughter don't buy it don't believe it she's like look here's how you make the cupcakes all right look i do this with my kids you know because you know you come here the adults drink the kids play i mean i love to do it so here's what you do you

put some squeeze don't don't eat it don't eat it you know don't eat it lick the icing and now let's go to the bathroom together everybody let's go to every time she has a bite of anything she's like let's go to the bathroom i know and then i look well actually the thing is that you could see they weren't going to even need them they were like so what do we do let's give them everyone i'll give it to the doorman okay we'll give it to anyone give it away you can give it someone sure why not it's your life okay why not so ryan give it away man works out the doorman can barely even open the door. Just give it to the children. Just give it to the doorman. You know what?

Why don't we take it to Luanne's charity, where she helps people with computers, okay? Give it to them. Didn't Luanne used to do something where she was... Oh, yeah. Remember, like, season two, Luanne was, like, mentoring a little girl. She's like, well, darling, you have to take those braids out. She was like... She's like a black girl.

She's like, well, you know, you obviously can't have that hair. So he's like a black girl. He's like, well, you know, you obviously can't have that hair. So then Sonya comes in and, of course, has to make it that Sonya's vagina still works. It's like the very important scene. No one was going to eat anyway, but just in case you were planning on eating, Sonya's like, is this an anal dildo? Oh, you can take it in the bath. I love these when you can take them in the bath.

I can't wait until my bath is fixed. I mean, right now, right now I just have pickles holding your hands together and holding water in it. And then I put a finger in at a time, you know? I mean, that's what it's like being poor. It's awful. This frosting reminds me of something. It reminds me of something the plumber left. You know, I'm talking about his semen, you know? I'm talking about, you know, when he ejaculates this white stuff that looks like the frosting you're about to eat it looks like what was on my chest

you know like great yeah i'll squirt on your cupcake heard that a million times all right sonia all right sit down well i like also well first of all i do have to say congratulations to sonia as not that like she's even listening but she did get she's out of her debt which is actually amazing i never thought it would happen i mean she was like in the hole and she's actually you know how many interns that took like it she has sold so many interns she's like what's human trafficking i wasn't trafficking anyone i did this on the phone there was no traffic involved she has repurposed so many computers from broken parts and sold them online that she has gotten herself out of debt that's what's happened yeah pickles is somewhere asking a homeowner why they don't save their vacuum cleaners yeah you know i make all the

vacuum you know what she i mean you know i have about four vacuum cleaners i just you know i put them all together for the parts she's like cuba like she's basically like how are you even changing pages on the internet you're not you're not um like hitting my head as a mouse tap. I know. So, by the way, I like that the reason – because she paid off her debt, that's why Sonia went to this thing. She's like, yeah, I paid off my debt. Why else would I go downtown to do cupcakes? I was like, oh, I see. You only make cupcakes when you get out of massive debt.

Okay, never mind. Oh, that's all I need is somebody who I owe money to seeing me eat a cupcake. I mean, God forbid they'll come take it right out of my hand I mean, people People are horrible, aren't they? Well, it is sort of surprising she was there Because she probably thought she was going to Cipriani's again She's like, what?

Oh, I thought we were going to Cipriani's Turns out we're making cupcakes Okay, who knew? I think the more shocking thing is How did Sonia get out of debt? Where does Sonia make money? Well, you know, there's a big market for toasters in India, I'm sure. They don't work.

They're like, we don't like to eat the toast anyway. It is very bad for your soul. So we just buy the toaster and then it tests us. Well, she went into a joint venture with Petty Fleur and it's called the Switch the Bitch Micro Toaster. You put something in there and it's time to turn the toast over.

You switch the bitch. Switch the toast. Switch the toast. Switch the bitch toast. You switch the bread from bread to toast. You switch it. It's open. It's done. I cannot eat this toast. I cannot eat this bitch toast without bitch butter. Okay. I would like a side of freaking out

please. Uh oh. Here comes Obama's delivery for MJ again. Two military helicopters flying overhead. There's some Groupon filler about to drop out of that plane. For those of you

who don't know, Obama is touching down in Los Angeles in about an hour or so, or half an hour. What's Obama even doing here? Doesn't he have enough money? He ain't running again, is he? Why else do you come here except to beg people for money?

He's fundraising for Hillary, I suppose. Oh, he would not do that for Hillary. Well, maybe for Elizabeth Warren. How about that? And you know that's the truth. Unless Hillary caught him giving a blowjob in some bus stop or something, there's no way that he would be stumping for Hillary. Yeah. Well, either way... So, Sonia's going all sexual in the cupcake shop.

And I really love Dorinda because at this point, all she's pretty much doing is talking about John or explaining what everyone else is doing because they were all so crazy. But Dorinda's so funny because the way she describes Sonia is so innocent. She's like, and then, of course, Mr. Jetson, Sonia came in and she was doing, you know, this sexy dance. It was funny, like this Marilyn Monroe routine, you know. She like, she had, she swallowed two cupcakes

that looked like brothers and then she held too many sprinkles, you know. Now no one knows where she is. She'll be on t-shirts soon. Oh my god, I thought that was why she's like she brought she brought a little happy birthday mr president to the cupcakes um all i can think about i i just um i just finished season one of silicon valley and oh you didn't finish that right you only you stopped like a few episodes in right yeah i think it got to episode four and it was all fart jokes.

And I was like, yeah, I'm too old. Well, it's still really good. And the season finale, there's an extended scene that lasts like maybe like a minute or two. Where the nerds are calculating, like, would there be a way for them to jerk off, for one man to jerk off 800 people in 10 minutes? And they did a whole calculation and i'm just imagining sonia like with her happy birthday mr present with the cupcakes and jerking off guys anyway could someone get pickles on the phone i need her fingers to do this math no one else's fingers break the same way bring pickles bring the five broken calculators in from

the from the kitchen there's i think there's a I think there's a TI-82 down there. Texas Instruments. Come on now. So this is Sonya's idea, right? This trip. I mean, obviously, it's like the producer's idea. She's like, hey, I'm out of debt. Now let's spend thousands of dollars in Turks and Caicos.

No kidding. How did Sonya make $7 million in like a day? How? Someone has to explain this to reorganize her assets and yada yada yada yada listen maybe she's on patreon yeah maybe with her seven episodes she's like i got a million dollars per episode for that podcast every time i appear at san trope you donate a dollar uh so of course they, they're like, oh, I love Kinko's and Pocono's or wherever the hell she's going. I'm very ignorant.

Is there a hotel in Vegas based on this place? Because otherwise, I don't know its history. Well, remember, Vicky went there with Don. Oh, she did? That must have been a nice trip. She's like, oh, Don, look at the ocean. He's like, you're a dumb bitch. She's like, oh, Don.

They went there to renew their vows, and then the next season, they were broken up. Okay. So, this sounds good. So, Sonya, of course, announces that they're going to H&M or whatever, and she's like, yeah, I love it there. I know all the premieres.

Shut up. I love it there. I know all the premieres. Shut up. Yeah, congratulations. I love that she knows everybody in power with no power relevant to her. Like, she doesn't know any, she doesn't even know the mayor, but she knows Carol

who's on the board of a co-op, you know? Yeah, she was like, well, yeah, you know, the premier of Chicks and Cakes, he loves my comedy. He always sees my comedy and he loves all the work

I do with women, especially with minorities. Oh, he just really helps out so much premieres over there love artists okay so then so meanwhile not at the uh cupcake thing uh where they're like oh i don't know if i can know where i have to say one more thing because of course i can't read my notes until i stare at them for five minutes like one of those weird pictures that just looks like dots and then it's a naked lady. But I really like when she was saying, when people were like, oh, I don't know if we should go out of town again.

Or Bethany was like, I don't know if I could take it. I mean, boring, sleeping, Atlantic City. And Sonya's like, oh, it won't be anything like Atlantic City. I mean, that was crazy the way everybody was judging me there. I mean, recently I was on a Latin TV show, so now everybody knows I work. That was a magazine. It was a very strange TV show because it was just like a single frame

and it just never moved. I don't know. It was arresting. It was very arresting. My Botox has never looked better. I mean, that was the best half hour I've ever spent on television. I have never acted so hard.

I mean, I had to stay still for a whole 30 minutes for that TV show. When I told Pickles I wished I was on Dancing with the Stars, she actually put that in front of my face and moved it around a little bit. And I'm actually very good on Dancing with the Stars. I mean, don't think you. Who knows? She actually put some of those glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. And now I just dance.

And it turns out I'm great. I actually win the mirror ball every night okay so up next so now Luann and Kristen are getting together Broadway shoes or whatever yeah they were shopping and what I love is that Kristen it's like replay like you know Luann's apologizing for when she boxed out Kristen last episode, and then Kristen starts relaying the thing. They're like, well, you know, Bethany said I was stupid. And then Luanne's response was, well, she didn't say it to your face, though.

She was trying to be polite. You know, she just said it behind your back, darling. I mean, come on. Manners. Manners. Here, have one of my plates. And they're talking about aoe ramona's new restaurant and they're like oh my god that's totally not her oh i know darling it's not her i mean it is very mario though it is him for ramona just waiting at the hostess stand yeah well it is her in the sense that it's trashy but other than that no it's not her at all it is her in the sense that it's trashy. But other than that, no, it's not her at all. It is her in that everybody who orders a steak also orders a side of something younger and juicier.

Well, it is her in that it's a terribly annoying restaurant that I would never step foot in. But aside from that, no, I don't really see the match, no. Such bitches. So then Kristen starts relaying about how she confronted Bethany about it How she like pulled her to the side And she's like you know I started nice I'm like mmm bullshit Kristen

You know I like you Kristen I really do Even though you're a little useless this season Even though you do whine I do like you But you were like you know what Like my brand means everything to me And I have a blog and this means a lot to me And that means a lot to me and I work hard a lot to me. And I work hard for it. And you and him.

And me. No, no, no. Like, that's not what you call starting nice. I know you probably can't hear me from inside your box. But nail polish is my passion! I know you think you're so cool because you made a giant robot out of your refrigerator box and didn't let me in. But guess what? Nail polish is my passion!

Uh, a robot refrigerator. Finally, I have Nail polish is my passion. A robot refrigerator. Finally, I have somebody to talk to, Mr. Jetson. Oh, how I want to put John in one of those boxes. I love how Luanne's advice is so offensive. She's like, listen, darling. Oh, love your toes. Here's the thing about Bethany. She just doesn't like you. And sometimes you need to about bethany she just doesn't like you and

sometimes you need to just back away from people that don't like you and just be done with them i mean how long are we going to be in iraq seriously back away pull out pull out uh and then they're like you want to try on these shoes and kristen's like i'm jealous of those shoes they're in a box there's so many boxes in this store. But I loved also is that then she gives, she gives, she gives her camera, she gives her phone to like one of the workers.

She's like, are you good at taking shoe pictures? Like on your, on your cheesy phone. And she's like, I have a blog Luann. And Luann's like, I know I've already blocked it.

Yeah. I like that. She didn't even ask Luann to take the picture. That was kind of curious to me. Is. I like that she didn't even ask Luanne to take the picture. That was kind of curious to me. Is Luanne really that bad with technology? Well, probably. We've heard her songs that she makes with technology.

Yeah, Sonia. No, not Sonia. What was I going to say here? Oh, yeah. Anyway, Kristen, it was really, I have to say, it's really nice of Luanne to make an effort and film with Kristen because nobody else will. Even Carol and Heather are like, busy. But Luann's at least making an effort to film with her, even though she's hurting her feelings every time. She's like, darling, we should do this

again. It was amazing. Don't talk to Bethany again. And let's time, next time, let's meet at the container store. No! I'll have lunch in a box And you can watch me from outside of it She's like you know darling How about we just FaceTime from now on Do we have to really hang out in person

I'll just send you a message in the chat box No not the chat box The amount of notes I write down For the dumbest thing These bitches sat in a shoe store But but it's a page of notes. I know. We are literally on scene two. You know what?

Because we're both taking more notes. We're being ridiculous. We're taking notes on every little thing. We're not taking notes on just the funniest stuff. But then we talk about the minutiae, and then we have so much fun. I think that's all funny stuff. When you've got a pen in your hand and you're taking notes, it's all amazing. Exactly.

When she was saying, darling, I know what a blog is. My daughter had one. She said the N-word on it, and then someone passed out in a bush. I darling, I know what a blog is. My daughter had one. She said the N-word on it, and then someone passed out in a bush. I mean, you know, kids. Oh, internet. So then we get to a scene of Carol and Bethany having dinner, and Carol is wearing a sweater from Forever 21. She's like, you like my sweater?

What did it say? It said trouble. What did the sweater say? Oh, trouble. Yeah, trouble. Now, OK, confession. my sweater what did it say said what did the sweater oh trouble yeah trouble now okay confession i shop at forever 21 because in the midst of all their like teen stuff there are a few things that like i can wear it at my advanced age but i think shoot me in the head if i am carol's age and shopping at forever 21 well you know poor carol it. It's like she's shopping at Forever Not 21 again. And if that's not bad enough, she's talking about it.

And if that's not bad enough, she's wearing a shirt that says trouble. Bitch, you so old that even the song you're wearing on your shirt is old. I mean, that song's even old. It's like poor thing can't win. Yeah. Don't I look young? Bethany's like, what is that song from when my daughter's like one? I mean, please.

Yeah, it's you know what the sweater was? It was a little thirsty. That's probably what the word should have been on there. And then if you guys aren't buying that Carol's really young and hip now, the first thing she says is,

Bethany, last night I had a sex dream about you. I have to say, I have to say, though, that even though Carol is totally thirsty and all that stuff, I actually really like the rapport that she and Bethany have. I feel like they seem like they have a lot of fun together and that they do connect and they really are friends. And in certain ways, they kind of are the cool kids and they know it and they just... They are just because

they don't take it seriously. I like it, yeah. It feels silly saying that Bethany doesn't take it seriously because she's sobbing every week and on the floor. But look, Bethany takes Adderall seriously. Everything else...

Yeah, they seem to know that it's a big joke. Yeah, I think Bethany has settled inall seriously everything else like yeah they seem to know that it's a big joke yeah I think Bethany has has like settled in now and I think when I say they're like the cool kids I mean it actually in a good way like they're not being like too cool for school they're just like oh my god this is

you can tell their view is like this is sort of ridiculous what we're doing but we're just having fun with it and why not just like it was a fun scene because normally on a housewife show this would be like five seasons long of a fight yeah and it wasn't she's just like listen i had i had sex with you in my dream uh and i talked to you like what did you touch my icebox what did you do were you were you touching my box in my refrigerator she's like yeah and then my somewhere christ off. Somewhere Kristen just sat up straight in bed. What? The box?

My hand froze off and crashed onto the ground, and then you started making an entire city with your hands. Let it go! Oh, yeah. Oh, Ben. Watch Frozen, Ben. I thought you were going to make

some sort of weird Terminator reference, like the hand that was left behind that created Skynet. No, it was a Frozen joke, darling. Watch Frozen, Ben. I thought you were going to make some sort of weird Terminator reference, like the hand that was left behind that created Skynet. No, it was a Frozen joke, darling. It was Elsa. Daddy, I went the wrong way. Watch Frozen. What kind of feminist are you? Spoiler alert, she doesn't need a man at the end. What's the name of the other princess? There's Elsa, and then there's the other one.

Connie. The brunette girl, or like the other one. What do you call any uglier sister? The other one? It proves the point from later on in this episode when they were doing that test. The blondes were walking by the guys in that Italian restaurant, then the brunettes. And the guys didn't care about the brunettes. They only cared about the blondes. So it's like Elsa and, you know, the other girl.

The other one. Yeah, that's how I learned how to do it in my family. My mom's like, Carly, the other one, get down here for dinner before I beat you both. So more to talk about here. But OK, I love this scene, as we've already said. But Carol telling Bethany, oh, I have to admit, ha ha. I told Kristen about the trademark comment and also that you called her dumb he's just laughing too he's laughing and bethany's like what i mean i didn't say she was dumb i just

said you know i mean i didn't say she was dumb i'm just saying there's there's a there's an air polish already called pop i mean it's like coming out with a burger store called mcdonald's you know who does that like this already it's already out there like so who's gonna do that i mean why would she do that? That's already a name. And I didn't say she was dumb. I just said she's, you know... She did a dumb thing. If a vagina had a brain, Sonia's brain

would be even smaller than the vagina's brain. You know? That's these nonsensical sayings. I just inhaled some saliva. You can tell that on a certain level, they kind of clearly don't take Kristen seriously because Bethany cares so little about the fact

that her words were like, that her words were like turned around and twisted to Kristen. She cares so little about what Kristen thinks she really said that she's just laughing. Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't care. But her point is good too.

I mean, is there really a nail polish called pop already? Because there is, then that is, that is really, then pop of color is, it's very dumb. That's really bad.

And then Heather at one point tells her, you're, you know, you're, you're two ways. You're either really wound tight or you're crying. And Bethany's like, well,

you know, also sometimes I'm catatonic. And she's like, oh yeah, I remember that from my dream. And then they just laugh. And Bethany's like, wow, I actually like her. You know, I mean, I don't know her. I don't know you, but I like

her. I mean, maybe if I knew her one day, I'd like her. Maybe I'll know her. You know, maybe one day I'll actually know her. You know what? I don't know. I can't know for now, you know, because my Because my wall is up. I just want to be closed. I want to be closed, Carol. Closed for business. The wall is up. Everything is closed. Get away, turrets.

So what are we doing? Then we go to Luanne now has a sportswear collection. It's like my impressions of her clothes were not wholly negative. I thought they were

perfectly fine. They sort of matched her style, but very JCPenney Walmart. Ben, that is really mean. To JCPenney? That is really rude. I wrote down Old Navy. My store has way more class than your example well it's her she does have some old navy stuff in there you know like that i thought i thought

it looked nice i actually thought it looked nice but it's sort of like it's it's like mass market whatever you call it you know like which poor people clothes but that's what they call it but you know the truth is future dress barn it's like holes you know but but the thing is like, I don't know if that's a bad thing because, you know, she knows her audience. And that's, I think she's, I'm hoping that, you know, behind closed doors, she's like, I want to design something that's going to appeal to that audience and make them feel elevated or something. That's probably what she's saying. You know, one night I had a dream and it was that poor people didn't have clothes. Yeah. When I had a dream and it was that poor people didn't have clothes and all over New York City, there were just these hideous, pasty poor people who don't work out. It was disgusting.

And I thought, I'm making clothes, clothes for poor people. So that will never happen again. Thanks, Len. You've really given back to the world. Good job. Len's like, I've decided to make it my mission to bring back Mandy's. And we're going to sell only my clothes there. I'm trying to think of other, like, anything that was at, like, the Mandy's level.

I can't think of anything but Mandy's. Mandy's. Mandy's. Mandy's is gone, right? It's gone. I don't even know what that is. It just sounds really like a poor person name i mean she's so poor she couldn't even pronounce her whole name god bless her heart

poor people need short names like sarah listen we are going to debut my line at annie says okay so they're all watching you know about her oh go ahead i said you know that you know about annie says right no i'm just pretending to know all these things i'm smiling and nodding like i do in like a conversation with smarter people than me there's a store or at least there used to be a store called annie says it's called ann it was annie and then it's like s-e-z and he says it was like that sort of clothing. They're like here's the leaping lizard dress. We're going to sell this at the Christmas tree

shop. Burlington Goat Factory. Here we come. They're all gathering around to see Luann's sportswear collection which she is modeling hilariously by hopping up and down and skipping around in a dress.

That was a great modeling session. That's the best one we've seen. I actually liked it. I actually thought it was a really good modeling session. She looked like she was having fun, and she was giving good posts. She looked exactly like those models prancing around in a Macy's commercial or JCPenney. Yeah. When Bethany said she looked like a Maxi Pad commercial, so true.

Very true. Except, you know, I mean, probably Maxi Pads aren't being used anymore. Yeah, when Bethany said she looked like a maxi pad commercial, so true. Very true. Except, you know, I mean, probably maxi pads aren't being used anymore. But still. Maybe it's more like a commercial for legs with two Gs or maybe like Claritin. Are legs the one that come in an egg? I think that that's even more of a burn. with two G's or maybe like Claritin. So, um, uh, but so, but no art legs, the one that come in an egg. I think that that's just,

that's even more of a burn. She's, it looks like she's in an ad for bloomers, you know? So, uh, so anyway, so, um,

um, before Luanne starts modeling though, there's drama because the girls are the, it's, it's like a though, there's drama. Because the girls are the... It's like Heather, it's Kristen, it's Luanne. I think it's just the three of them at first. And then Ramona. And they're talking about Turks and Caicos. And then it

turns out that Bethany is going to have to leave early because Bryn has a recital of some sort. Bryn's like three years old. I don't know what she could be reciting. ABCs? Piano. Didn't she say piano or was that in my head that she said piano? She's playing the harpsichord. You know, it's like the skinny girl version of a piano. Harpsichord.

So she so then of course Heather and Kristen are like What? We changed everything. Which is basically their way of looking to be annoyed.

Because Bethany's going to be there for three or four days, and then she'll leave. Who needs to be on a nine-day trip with these bitches anyway? That's a long time. Yeah. And Heather's like, look, everybody has problems. I found a fingernail on the floor behind the refrigerator from one of the old nannies who left.

Do you know how hard that was for me to see that fingernail and to remember what it was like not to have to be home with my children? And I like they also give credit to Heather every time anybody does something in fashion. They're like, oh, now it's the fashion maven, Heather. Okay. A, she stole Spanx. And B B she's wearing like a stiff bathrobe. Like why is she getting credit? She was, that was like a big stiff bathrobe that she was wearing.

She's like, hi mama. Hey mama. Which she actually says when she walks in. So then eventually Bethany shows up and Kristen's like, Oh, can we talk about the trip? Can we like talk about it?

Which I actually thought was a reasonable thing for her to say. I did not think she was coming on strong. She just said it like, can we talk about the trip? And then Bethany's like, listen, I have to leave early, you know, because if I don't leave early, then I'll be away from Brynn for nine days. And then all of a sudden she just starts crying. I'll be away from her for nine days. And then after that, I'm leaving for 12 days nine days and then after that I'm leaving for 12 days and then after that I'm leaving for 30 days

and then after that I'm not seeing her until she graduates from high school. All right, I can't take it! First of all, if you're gone for nine days and then you're gone for 12 days, those are both what some people would call work trips. And if you don't like being away for work, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. You're worth $97,000, $8,000 billion.

Yeah. Who are you blaming that your schedule is busy? Get out of here. I know. So then in the middle of this, then we cut to commercial. And my favorite thing was they have a tease for what's going to come after the commercial. They go go coming up and then shows them someone going

Sonia was clearly intoxicated I just started laughing like I don't know what's about to happen but it's going to be funny and then we come back and Bethany is so upset that she's sitting on wicker and you know that can't be comfortable she's like if I move

if I change positions too fast on this wicker chair I'm gonna start a fire all right I'm crying over here it's dry I mean like is this wood or is it not what is the seat I mean like I mean kill me no I don't know what this is I don't know what this material is I can't make it it's just like a skinny girl chair I can't take I don't know it's too much for me I'm walls walls up walls up I want walls

up up and around the wicker walls wicker walls at wicker park in the walls of wicker I'm gonna wicker wall wicker the wicker walls at wicker park in the walls of wicker I'm gonna wicker wall wicker wall wicker wall and Heather's like don't call me a wicker let's see

maxi pad ad could make a rag look good though oh Heather I love that they show Heather being shady on the side while Luann is they're modeling the clothes. Because you know somebody was like, oh my god, look at those clothes. And Heather was like, I know, but I mean, Kristen could make a rag look good, though.

Jeez, like even when they show her for one line, it's something totally C-wordy. And I say that only because she looks very raggedy all the time. So, you know, it just matches. And then we move over to Sonia's house. Sonia. Casa del Sonia. And Caesar. So right now, Sonia has an issue.

She's packing for Trix and Keiko. And everyone's skinny. And, of course, she has this new gay friend. Or it's like a friend of someone. And he's like, oh, girl, you've got to look really good. Because all those girls are skinny. So you have to look your best i was like wow that's great great empowerment for women there uh he's like bethany's going girl you need to i mean have you heard of arm shading we're doing it we're doing it she's like no i only know toaster shading i put

contour on my toaster to make it look more sleek. So what I love is – My toaster is so shaded that I actually reached in there to get my toast, and I burned myself because I couldn't tell where the edges were. Shading. So I love that, like, Sonia has, like, two broken bathing suits. I love just the idea of referring to a bathing suit as broken. Like, my bathing suit broke. Like, it's such a weird concept.

Like, it's usually, like, oh, it ripped. It's torn. It's just – No, it's a broken bathing suit like it's usually like oh it ripped it's torn it's just but it's like no it's it's a broken bathing suit that needs the batteries need to be i think someone take it to the mechanic okay take the bathing suit there and how she explains you need okay here's how it works you need one bathing suit that you look good in that you party in and then one that you actually swim in and then one that a waiter breaks off of you at four in the morning when you're getting it up the butt in the greenhouse yeah and then one that you actually swim in and then one that a waiter breaks off of you at four in the morning when you're getting up the butt in the greenhouse. Yeah, and then you keep another bathing suit

just for parts, you know. You know, like I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot of things from Fidel Castro, okay? You can still drive a car from 1950 in 2015 and you can still keep a bathing suit from 1936 in 2015, okay? Look, you think I got a vacuum cleaner for free? No, I put four different vacuum cleaners together.

I mean, look, meet my new intern. Look how she has pick alarms. You think that's a coincidence? No, parts. She's a full-on hybrid of all my previous interns. Why do you think I didn't let Heather in? Because I was dismantling an intern. I didn't have Heather parts.

You ever see Edward Scissorhands? I could... Say it again? You ever see Edward Scissorhands say it again you ever see Edward Scissorhands story of my life I couldn't let Heather into my lobby because if Heather broke I don't have parts for Heather I don't want a broken Heather

without a way to fix it you need to have two Heathers okay okay so what's next though oh yeah when she says Sonya's like worried about being fat, which, how can you be fat? You eat Grey Goose. Like, that's all you've ever eaten.

You're not fat. And she looks also amazing. Yeah, she looks so good. She's like, the good thing about suits is that they stretch. And I thought, you know what? We have a lot in common because that's also why I like my skin.

That's so nice. Aww. So what else? What happened after this? Oh, yeah, the big limo to go to Brooklyn. To Sunnyside. To go into Queens. Oh, Queens, sorry.

And so then they start talking about Sonya, and they're like, so apparently all the girls went to boutique last night, and everyone got drunk, and Sonya got wasted and was hanging off of Jan, and she won't even remember. Do you think she has a problem? I don't know. Of course she has a problem. Yeah, and

they're all talking about how worried they are about Sonia but I think that the really good thing about all of this was Bethany's history because I really like when Bethany opens up and talks about her childhood history. When she's like, look, here's where we're going because my father used to... I'm a track girl. I'm a racetrack family, you know, and after the tracks

we used to go eat Italian food all the time. So it's just like being at the tracks. I mean, look, look at that bus boy beating the bartender over the head with the phone and then dragging her down. Look at that, look at that wall carrying bread. I mean, that's talent. That's how we did it at the track. Walls.

Walls. Please don't ask me what I want. Don't ask me about the meatballs, okay? I don't want to talk about it, okay? I want to be closed off. Walls. When they were all shocked at that big thing of bread, I started laughing. Because only in Queens would they serve you bread like that.

Nowhere else in the world. I mean, here in LA at Pump, I asked for bread. They looked at me like crazy, took 20 minutes, and then brought me like raisin sandwich bread that was like badly toasted. Bread's not normal anymore, you guys. But in Queens it is.

But I loved all the shock when they got that bread. And Ramona's like, have you ever seen bread with meat in it? That's ridiculous. Bread with meat in it? Oh, that's ridiculous. Bread with meat in it. Reminds me of sunshine. Rosie was like, look, if that meat didn't want to be in the middle of the bread,

it wouldn't be in there. It's 40, alright? It's 40. It can do whatever it wants. If it wants to make a sandwich, it can do it. If you don't want to be in a sandwich, don't be in a sandwich. If you don't want to be in the middle of white bread, don't be in the middle of white bread. Who are you complaining to? Me? No, get out of here. This is my third basket of bread.

I can't ask for another one. I'm cut off. Dorinda was cracking me up when she starts talking about Myanmar, and she's like, hey, you ever been to Malama? Hey, you ever been to Oreo? You mean China? Yeah. You ever been to Panama Jacks? I mean, what a country.

You should see all the floral shirts they have for old fat men. Hey, you ever been to Milano? No, it's not the cookie. You mean Milan. Yeah, yeah, that one. Have you ever been to Melania? Oh, what a riot. Hey, you ever been to Chips Ahoy?

Uh, what? You know the city with the big tower? Oh, you mean Paris. Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. Paris. I'm gonna spend my honeymoon with John at Nutter Butter. You mean the Netherlands? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Hey. Hey. You ever been to Graham Cracker? You mean South Africa? Yeah, yeah. Like Cape Town. Yeah.

So this is the part where they're done and they're standing. Okay. First off, no one ate bread and Bethany ate half of a rigatoni. Half. And then she went to the bathroom. She's like, I got to go to the bathroom. I can't talk about this. Wolf!

Went to the bathroom. God knows. Threw gotta go to the bathroom now. I can't talk about this. Wolf! Went to the bathroom. God knows. Threw up like a little half a piece of pasta. And then they all went to the bar to see how hot they are. And they all pretended to keep walking past these guys. Okay, these guys. These guys. They were gross guys, right? I think that they would look at anybody who passed.

Yeah, they would. Especially people who have a camera following them in the restaurant. Of course they're gonna look. Yeah, and it was the same two guys every time. They're like, oh, what? I'm sorry, am I in your way? Both times. And they're like, oh, you're hot, you got two. And then right when I wrote that down, Bethany got one. I was like, oh

God, even that guy's not interested in her. He's interested in everything. Well, she probably was happy because she doesn't want to be looked at, okay? I don't want any of this, okay? I've had enough, okay? I'm just, I'm closed. If you look at me in everything. Well, she probably was happy because she doesn't want to be looked at, okay? I don't want any of this, okay? I've had enough, okay? I'm closed. If you look at me in the Italian restaurant, I'm going to be on the floor, okay? I'm going to be on the floor crying into the bread basket, okay?

Sorry, Wals. Don't offer me bread. You know, all I want is to spend some time with bread, and Jason stole it from me. I'm going to be on the floor. I'm going to be on the floor. I don't want to talk about it. Wals, if we spend any more time here in this restaurant, it will have been nine hours since I saw

Brynn and gave her bread. They're like, wow, Dorinda, you got the most looks. And she's like, I think it's because I still smell like the bread. No, thank you. It's better than the Liz Taylor perfume. I smell like meat bread.

I smell like I just got off the plane from Lorna Dune. You mean London? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I am staring at my really terrible writing right now, wondering what the hell to talk to. Why am I putting Ramona exercising? Ramona doesn't exercise. No, because what happens is that Ramona then met Bethany at a nail salon.

And she was like, look at my arms. My arms are getting so big. I'm getting really big arms. It's like I'm really strong. I'm a strong person now. Oh, yeah. And then she starts doing her punches or whatever. I'm sorry. I'm just very big arms. It's like I'm really strong. I'm a strong person now. Oh, yeah, and then she starts doing her punches or whatever. I'm sorry.

I'm just very strong, okay? So next time they want to do a Terminator movie, they should hire me because I am like the Terminator. I can run and I can punch. I'm very strong. I'm sorry, okay? Me, new Terminator. Okay, now that we're done talking about my strength, let me tell you. Are you feeling good?

Are you happy because you look happy? I mean, I'm happy. It's a new year. I mean, yesterday, I didn't want to get a pedicure. And here I am today because I'm new. I'm brand new. Touch my feet. I don't even care. Do whatever you want. Make stripes on them. What are the kids doing? Do they have stripes? Do they have stripes? Strap my toe. Go ahead. Do it. I don't even care. I'm new. It's new. so of course Ramona being a total shitster is like you know what Bethany okay I want to tell you something and I don't want you to get sad when I tell you okay I want you to think of sunshine okay so the other day before you got to Luan shoot Kristen was like really going at you okay she was like she's like why why does Bethany have to be that way why does Bethany have to rearrange everything right and she just throws Kristen crazy under the bus. Yeah, she hates Kristen. I mean, I was laughing because it's reality TV, but it was mean.

It was mean. She just is like stirring Das pot. Yeah, and Bethany's like, I mean, whatever. We saw each other the other day at that AOA place while you were waiting for Mario. And I see her over there with that sourpuss just staring at me, staring at me. And I knew what she wanted. And so when she came up, I just brushed her away.

And I said, no. I mean, who would get mad at that? I don't know, huh? I don't know, huh? Yeah. I was like, you know what? I felt like I was in a box of cupcakes and she was like a muffin. I didn't want the muffin in my cupcake box. I wanted to box her out. And she got all mad. She got the punim face. She got the forbidden

punim face. Meanwhile, those poor nail technicians with them with those women barking at them ramona's like i want sparkles okay you know what you know what do this one and then don't do that one okay then do a sparkle there okay okay okay can you do stripes and bethany's like um listen i don't even care about her because toast before hose and ramona's like hose who's gardening i mean what are you talking about hose no no you know like the kids say you know the kids say bros before your hoes and she's like what who's a bro who's what brother said that no no bros before hoes like a hooker like a prostitute a bro a brother are you sure you're not talking about pros like in a book pros before hoes like you want to read before you become a prostitute that's what you

mean okay that makes much more sense Bethany No And Bethany's just heard Bros Before Hoes I love this show I love that Ramona clearly has never heard that expression and still doesn't even understand it Why are you talking about hookers? I didn't even bring Mario up I mean I don't even care if he calls

I mean what is Before Hoes with Mario? Nothing. It's like Mario doesn't even know Bros Before Hoes it's just Hoes and then more Hoes. Is there a saying for that? What does that mean? Is it about Toes? Is it about Kristen?

Well, you know that Ramona's going to go to Kristen now and be like, listen, you know, I know you're a pretty stupid girl, but I want to tell you something and I want you to be able to listen to it, okay? So the other day I was with Bethany, okay? And you know what she said? Okay, she said you were a hoe, okay? And that you have brothers, okay? And that you like brothers. Okay.

And that you like to hang out with your brothers. And you guys are like brothers and prostitutes all together. And that's what she said. And no one likes your toes. And no one likes your toes. But she did say your face is very pretty. Because that's how they all, whenever they're mad at Kristen, they're like, oh, what a bitch. But I mean, she's very pretty. But I mean, what a bitch.

That is so true. I mean, she said you're pretty, although she said, you know what? To be fair, she did say that you have a punim, okay? You have a forbidden punim, you know, but a pretty punim, you know? But I'm sorry. That's what she's saying. I'm just being honest. Sorry.

Those before punims. I don't know what it means either, but it's something about brothers and hookers. I don't know. Tell your friends. Yeah. So then Luanne is having some sort of launch or whatever for her fashion line. Welcome to this hotel. I originally came to this hotel when it was built in 1937 and built by President Roosevelt.

I mean, what a party thrower that guy was. Who says you can't party sitting down? I'll tell you that did not originate in the White House. All right. So, yeah, so she has this suite, and it's like a pre-party, and everyone's there having fun, and then Ramona enters wearing Ramona blue, Ramona blue,

and she just walks in, and you just know it's going to be bad. Like, you can just tell it's going to be bad news. And so she walks in like, hi, hi, hi. Oh, Kristen, okay, you know what? I have to say something to you. You know what? I thought that it was really, I think it was really bad of you. I think it was bad

that you attacked Bethany that way. I think it was just, you know, it wasn't very nice. Okay? It wasn't like sunshine. I mean, what you did to Bethany, coming at her like that when you know she's going through so many things. I mean, do you know how hard it is for Bethany? Do you know how difficult it is for her? She is going through hell. And then you come out and you punch her in the face. And then you punch her in the face. Do you know how hard it is for Bethany? Do you know how difficult it is for her? She is going through hell.

And then you come out and you punch her in the face. And then you punch her in the face. And do you know what that's like? Do you know what that's like, being Bethany? Being run over again and again. You're like a speed bump that just, you know, you treat her like a speed bump. It's just right in the middle of the street. You don't even slow down.

You just keep driving really fast down the street, like in the Berkshires. Do you know how many cats died in the Berkshires because of people like you? You know what? It's like you're very sharp. You know what? Like you're very cutting and you're very sharp. Because, you know, it's like Berkshires. Do you know how many cats died in the Berkshires because of people like you? You know what? It's like, you're very sharp. You know what? Like, you're very cutting and you're very sharp. You know, it's like you're a box cutter, you know? And you know what? And those aren't allowed in airplanes. So just stay out of her box.

Kristen's like, I don't know where you guys are making fun of me. I'm coming up with a new company called Boxy Charm. She's like, no, Boxy Charming charming that's her new company so um so uh but i love though that ramona is like i can't believe that bethany walks in and the moment she walks in you're attacking her meanwhile this is ramona who's just walked in and is attacking i know

and heather called her on it which is funny she's like well i don't know i mean here you are and then luanne is like and then luanne's like darling please just settle down and. She's like, well, I don't know. I mean, here you are. And then Luanne is like, darling, please just settle down. And Ramon's like, no, Luanne, Luanne, I need to talk. And Luanne's like, don't boss me around my suite. Like the royal suite. This is my suite now. All right. It's a very important suite, as you can probably tell, because Daniel Day-Lewis is here playing my son.

Oh, my God. My vertical blinds are flapping in the wind. So then, like, so Ramona and Kristen are still going at it. And then Ramona's like, Kristen, are you that dumb? Are you that dumb not to realize what's going on? And then Kristen gets mad. You only have to call Kristenristin dumb and that's all you really need to do to piss but at least i'm pretty um and she's like well well she had a good

line she's like she's like you know she said something along the lines of just because you're wearing royal blue does not make you like the king of this place whatever the queen no she was like oh because you're wearing royal blue you think you're a royaler than everybody else oh god i guess maybe it wasn't as good of a line as I thought. Royaler. I think I heard the first part of the line and I sort of knew where she was going with it, so I just automatically gave her credit, but then now that I hear the second part, I'm like, nope.

Way to fight somebody about how stupid you are. Aren't. So that was kind of funny. It was like a traditional stupid fight, which you gotta love and meanwhile luanne's back in the back with paisley dresses me out of made out of rayon you know yeah twirling around like oh here my kids are oh thank god my kids are here you know i mean lord knows i support my kids you know look what all i've done for my kids the least they could do is show up and put

on a dress from mervyn's i mean come on she's like i'm just glad that noelle showed up and he's like i only showed up because i still want to go to taco tuesday mom oh call your father call that cleaning lady we once had what was her name robin generalese oh god so they start talking about So they start talking about how... They start talking about Bethany again. It's just... At that point, nothing really happened. Basically, it's just that they all start taking mannequins downstairs. Carson Cressley shows up.

The mannequins fall apart in the hallway. It's just kind of a disaster, and the whole episode sort of ended right then, right? Pretty much, yeah. Dorinda's just like, you know, it's okay for Bethany to take a break. Sometimes I'm just going around the floor and I'm picking up the same lint over and over again. I have to say, Dorinda, sometimes it's okay to go

into the kitchen, plug yourself into the wall, and just sit there. Just plug yourself into the wall. Alright, what's after New York then? Bye, New York. Sorry, we only spent over an hour talking about you. Why don't we go from New York to Long Island?

Lord knows I've supported New York. It owes me. I've dragged New York out of the bushes drunk after saying the N-word on the internet. I've done a lot for New York. Well, anyway, so Secrets and Lies. Wives.

I'm like, I don't know we're gonna let it go that's my page turning uh uh rip uh not riff what do you call it in a musical when they just start playing the music vamp yes my vamping uh that's okay no need to vamp because i'm i will guide us to long island we'll go we'll go down the lie we're gonna be cutting light we're getting oh my god i'm paralyzing this traffic this hamptons traffic we're actually going to montauk first We'll go down the LIE. Am I cutting light? We're getting... Oh, my God. I'm paralyzed in this traffic, this Hamptons traffic. We're actually going to Montauk first because we pick up with Secrets and Wives. Well, actually, before we even get into that, people, if you're not watching this show,

if you're not watching this show about old Long Island women who are basically prostitutes for their husbands, if you're not watching it... No joke. It's hilarious. It's so good. good i love it nothing even happened this episode nothing happened and i'm sitting there just like laughing and enjoying it like i love it so um we start at gurney's in montauk because if you remember from last week all the women went to gurney's so um the women decide that they're going to get into shape so they do a boot camp on the beach class which basically consists of them

sprinting to a garbage can and back which is sort of like the theme for the show and that's pretty much all they do and I love how they're running so slowly and then Andy I guess runs a little faster and Cora's like, Andy? What the hell? court is like andy what the from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca ranzi and i'm consciously what do most

people think about when they hear the words black history rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and

academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. But compliments, you know? Like, what the hell?

You're so good. What the hell? You run so fast, Andy. Andy, what the hell? Were you in the Olympics or something? Why'd you run so fast? Andy, what, are you going to be on the covers of a Wheaties box?

Look at you running. Ah, disgusting. Andy. Jeez, Andy. You're taking performance enhancing drugs? Was that one of the things that your third husband left back for you? A steroid injection? Andy.

What the hell? Susan comes like totally underdressed. They're like, oh my God, look at Susan. Susan's like, I'm sorry I didn't dress nicer, but I have a job. And this is what people with jobs dress like. All right. Just so happens that my job is to run on the beach, so it works out. And Gail's like, everybody's going to get in shape, even though my husband left the trip.

You know, I picked a place called Gurney's because I figured my doctor husband would be able to handle it. But he just couldn't. He had to go back to real Gurney's where people aren't ordering disgusting heaping bowls of mac and cheese. All right, let's just exercise and forget all about it. Well, by the way, so Gail says also she's like, well, you know what? I have to stay in shape because other women are trying to steal my man. I'm like, you know what? I hate that.

I just hate when women say that because it's like, first of all, it's implying that the other women are the problem. It's like, no, you should have a man who's going to love you and he's not going to look the other way the moment you gain five pounds, Gale. I just hate it. And who's going to be chasing after your man, okay? Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito got back together. There's like no one else out there.

I know. He is not a catch. I guess unless you're from Long Island. So, um, so then we go to Amy, right? Amy, who's at home, because her son Max, her son Max just came home with a puppy. Max,

that can't stay here. That can't stay here in his house, Max. I'm sorry. No, you got to take it back, Max. Please tell me that's a joke. I'm the needy bitch in this house. Get that dog out of here. I like that she found a ticket, a traffic ticket in her purse.

He gets a traffic ticket in his car and then just puts it in her purse like she's going to think it's hers. She's like, Max, this has your license on it. It's yours. And he's like, no, it isn't, Mom. Mom, no, it's not, Mom. Mom, I'm talking to the ice cream truck right now.

Can I call you back? Will you iron my tutu? I feel like an idiot. Max, is this ticket going to go on to the Insta? Is it going to go on Insta, Max? Come on now. Come on, Max. Oh, come on.

Not with a puppy, too. Oh, you can't. No, you can't do that. But then what Amy tells us is she goes, you know, this is why things with Arthur aren't working out. Because I'm spending so much time with Max. I can't put in the time that I need with my relationship. I'm like, oh, my God. Another setback for ladies.

It's not. No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're spending too much time with your son. Although you are. It has to do with the fact that Arthur is an asshole. And I like how she is still shouldering the blame for this asshole. Well, she's not really shouldering it she's putting it on somebody else like if it weren't for the kid

of the dog I mean he'd be totally happy with me I mean this is all about tutus and ice cream trots well she is both shouldering it because she's implying that it's on her end why it's not working and then she's also blaming her son I'm so worried about Max.

I mean, he's going to be just like his father, who doesn't do anything. And look, I can't just divorce my son. I mean, unless it's like that movie with Drew Barrymore, where she divorces her parents. But her mom was Shelley Long. I mean, I'm not going to be Shelley Long. I'm not going to do it. I'm not doing it. I would never leave Cheers.

I won't leave Cheers. No, Max, I'm sorry. You have to run this bar by yourself. I can't do this. I can't leave Cheers. No, Max, I'm sorry. You have to run this bar by yourself. I can't do this. I can't do this work for you. Max. If you think Kirstie Alley can replace me. Oh, my God.

Max is so happy with Kirstie Alley. I'm mortified. Mortified right now. I just want to move off with Arthur to Seattle so he can have his own talk radio show. Okay? That's all I want. Actually, before this, we were still at gurney's and the girls had the talk on the beach because susan was like listen i'm taking out i'm taking time out from my job to talk to the girls and she's trying to apologize to andy and liza about all the stuff

she said about yeah uh liza and that was hilarious because she's kind of talking behind her back and she's like listen you know andy and liza i mean i don't appreciate it because andy twisted my words and i never said anything bad about liza i mean all all i said was what you're 47 i mean what's wrong with you get a job you you cheat on your husband and then you lose your house and you want me to feel bad for you i don't feel bad for you i mean what's wrong with saying that? Nothing. Nothing. You know what? You know what?

Just get a job, okay? Be a professional like me, okay? You just said it. You said it. Like, I can't even imagine staying home all alone. No offense. No offense. Meanwhile, while they're having that talk, like, nearby, Corey is, like, with her husband and, like, someone else.

And I think with Gail. And she's eating she's eating she's like everyone don't make fun of don't make fun of me and my eating okay don't make fun of it and then the front Gail was like you have a great body and then her husband was like yeah you have a very good body I mean I would even say great she's like oh you would even

say you would even say I was like what a putz. With his stupid toupee. Don't talk about someone's body when you got a hairpiece that looks like a hedgehog fell on top of you. A hedgehog? Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yeah, exactly. So then... Are they talking about their sex sex? I just wrote blowjobs last week I don't know why I put that Yeah they're like how would you characterize your sex life And he's like excellent She's like yeah that's about right

He's like she gives me blowjobs Okay well glad we talked about this He's like I know I loved her When on our first date she ate seven courses Yeah That was so romantic her when on our first date she ate seven courses. Yeah. This show is so romantic. Meanwhile, Susan's like, listen, that's a good woman. She has a job. She knows a job.

She knows how to do a job. Oh, by the way, middle of the show, Brandi Glanville alert. Her latest tweet is, just saw a really cute house for us. It has other applications. Fingers crossed. Oh, no. She's already looking for a new rental. Buy rental on the hill.

She's going to be living in the fucking oak tree. Yeah. God, she moves a lot. She's like a mover and shaker in the worst way. Live within your means, guys. Yeah. So then after the Hamptons or I should say after

Montauk, then Liza, Liza and her mother Roberta, they go to the Hamptons to visit their gay pals. And I loved her mom. She just kept on saying, this car is so low to the ground. I have to roll out of this car.

It's so low. I have to roll out of this car. I hope you guys are having fun in there because I'm stuck here on the ground next to gravel. Jesus. Is this a car or is it a hoverboard? It's so low. It's so low right now.

They make these cars so low now. If the cars are lower, the roads are higher. I can't tell. I'm fast-forwarding through all my notes because I wrote notes on, of course, every stupid little thing. I'm on the ground. I'm on the ground. I'm on forwarding through all my notes because I wrote notes of, of course, every stupid little thing. I'm on the ground. I'm on the ground. I'm on the ground.

Let me in. Let me out. What about Liza looking at homes? Have we gotten to that part? No, not yet. So right now Liza's at the Hamptons. She's like, you know what? You know what?

I'm paralyzed because I'm so happy. I just I love I love coming to Hamptons. I feel like I'm on vacation. My vacation from what? From what? Like, sitting around your pool? Like, it's hard work. It's hard work to make sure

the pool boy is doing his work. I've got to do quality assurance every single day for four hours. Finally, I'm not just paralyzed. Now I'm paralyzed out of town! Paralyzed in a new place! Oh, I did want to say something about the mom because I really, the mom,

they just left the mom outside complaining about gravel for seriously 10 minutes. Yeah. And the gays were there, like the straight, the straight Bravo, the new straight Bravo gay, which I love. But that gay couple was there and they're like, oh, your mom's outside.

Oh, we'll go help her. And then he's like, hi, honey, how are you? And he's like putting his arm around her. He's being so like, hi, honey, how are you? And he's like, putting his arm around her. He's being so nice. And I thought, you know what? God bless the gay guys in this town. Because you know they're the only ones who will touch old ladies. Excuse me.

The Hamptons gays are Ina Garten gays. So we know that they're okay with that. This is the North Shore! North Shore. This is what we call a North Shore getting out of car disembarkment. And then they go on a boat and Liza's like, I don't know how I can do this. I mean, it's going to be so hard. I've never been alone.

And the guy's like, well, listen, it's a new chapter. The house was one part of your life. This is a new part. Listen, you can do this. You were Liza yesterday. You're Liza today. You'll be Liza tomorrow like you were Liza yesterday. Agree to the four agreements.

One, be Liza. Two, be Liza. Three, be Liza. And four, be Liza. And she's like, I can do that. She's like, wow, this is so exciting. I'm immediately paralyzed. You know, you can't say paralyzed without saying paralyzed.

You can't say paralyzed without saying Liza. Paralyzed. L paralyzed without saying paralyzed. You can't say paralyzed without saying Liza. Paralyzed. Liza with a paralyzed. Liza with a P. But, you know, it's sort of funny because his advice was more or less the same as Susan's, except he didn't say get a job. But she was like, later on in the episode, she was like, you know what? I really took what he said to heart. Like, he really made a lot of sense. I'm like, well, Susan

said the same thing, but you just don't like her because she's a woman. Yeah. So anyway, back... And also maybe she's racist. Yeah, probably that too. So back to Woodbury. Back to Woodbury. Gail brings her disgusting husband a salad.

He's like, a salad? Yuck. Ew. This is disgusting. It looked fine. Yeah. And he's like, a salad? Yuck. Ew. This is disgusting. It looked fine. Yeah, and she's like, you need to come into my world a little bit because I'm always in your world. And he's like, yeah, I'll get right on that, babe. She's like, this salad represents my

world, okay? It's empty, it's unsatisfying, doesn't taste good, and you want something more. It's dry, but you swallow it anyway. I mean, isn't that just like marriage um she what was i going to say about this this scene was very shady because they show that slutty secretary who got the like employee of the month boobs yeah wearing some boobalicious dress and one girl is like uh the doctor says to her your hair is on top look at that your hair is on top of your head and she's like you see

look how he's not complimenting me huh look at that that's how he compliments me and then Gail comes in and she gives her the secretary gives Gail this fake icy smile and I was like oh no well Gail meanwhile her

her explanation for showing up is she says you know the only way i can see my husband during the day is if i actually go to his office i'm like congratulations that's the way it works around the world when people have jobs if you want to see them during the day you have to go to their job and by the way it's not customary that you just like go to like your husband's job or vice versa like That's not a thing. It's not like you're expected. When your significant other goes off to work, you're not expected to then see them throughout the day.

Ben, have some respect. It's not just him who's working. Gail is working very hard at that business. She's been a partner for years, Ben. Yeah, you're right. I work. I brought a dry salad I mean I mean you know it's like a waiter I'm

like working for $2 an hour plus tips I mean how pathetic is that I love that she her big move is that it's such a passive aggressive power move is to institute a white blazer that everyone has to wear now and which is a to cover

up like the hot girls tits which was very funny much which is you know andy said it on the show but even before she said it it was like patently obvious what she was doing but second of all it's like you know i feel like i'm always hearing stories of people who work in offices or in workplaces when they're like yeah but oh we have to deal with the boss's wife like because, because she comes in and she makes orders. There's always, like, a boss's wife who inserts herself and, like, wants to make herself feel relevant. So she does these micromanaging, annoying things that annoy all the workers. And I'm like, oh, my God, Gale is exactly one of those. Because when she says, she's like, you know, I'm more than just his wife.

I'm not his arm candy. I'm like, no, you are exactly his arm candy. And you're not. And, like, you're, I'm more than just his wife. I'm not his arm candy. I'm like, no, you are exactly his arm candy. And you're not. And like, you're like the bad arm candy. You're like the crappy candy that falls out of a pinata. You know, like that generic sugar candy that no one actually really wants. He doesn't need arm candy. He's like literally got Snickers bars on his desk.

Yeah. Yeah. He's got Snickers bars on his desk. And you are basically an old Jolly Rancher. He's got a green M&M at the front desk with the giant jugs that he made himself. So I don't think he needs you. But that was sad. And then Susan's like, look, I know nobody wants my opinion, but it's somebody with a job.

I think they're insecure because they both cheated on their husbands and wives with each other. So, of course, they're paranoid. Of course they are. And you know what? That is true. Yeah. But, you know, she's like, listen, one of John's friends from jail, you know, he cheated on John, but he can still come over. I'm not going to trust him.

Wait, what's her fat husband's name? Is it John? I think it's John. By the way, I don't know why I'm calling everybody fat today. I think it's because we're watching this show and also because I'm still on a diet. And so I'm in that mood where everybody's fat around me because I'm worried about my own fat, you guys. It comes from my own insecurity. So if you're sitting there looking at your own waistline, I'm not judging you unless you're actually in front of me at Starbucks.

And I am. But otherwise, it's not about you. I think we can give you a pass for fat shaming and ancillary character on Secrets and Wives. I think it's okay. Thank you. I think I've said fat 20 times today. I'm saying it to myself. Well, you know what?

They just need to eat salads, okay? Come into my world! So then Liza goes over to a friend's house, and she's in the kitchen, and the friend has a gum drawer. And Liza's like, oh, I wish I could have a drawer full of gum. Yeah, North Shore, the classiest place on earth look at all these different flavors of gum that you have i'm paralyzed looking at this gum oh my god you know i would have cheated on my husband a lot sooner had i known that other wives had gum drawers and i didn't i mean now i feel justified i wish i knew this before i signed those divorce papers i would have brought this up yes. Yes, I cheated on my husband, but he never gave me

a gum drawer. I mean, get out of here. You know what I want? I want to have a full wardrobe full of nothing but dentine. Dentine. One side for dentine and one side for dentine ice, okay? If I ever do get a job and I get really rich, I'll have a separate drawer for Orbitz.

Here's what I want. Okay, I want a dresser. And the first drawer is for Orbitz. Second drawer is for Chiclets. Third drawer for Dentine. Fourth drawer for Extra. Biz manager. Oh my god, the Double Mint twins.

The entire town fucked them. Funny story. Arthur was once engaged to both Double Mint twins at different times and gave them all a ring from the vending machine so should we just skip to that part I'm trying to see what else happens all the next part is the work thing

with Corey and Sandy at work when the manager is like listen I cannot take anymore of your husband coming in here and telling me what to do. And she's like, oh, okay, I'll talk to him. And then they get in the meeting and he's like, listen, here's what we need to do. We need a pattern of traffic, all right? Because we're new and no one knows where we are.

So we need a pattern of traffic. We got to create it. Here's what we need to do, okay? We need to get a big jaw of Vagisil. Put it in the middle. The woman will flock there. Pattern of traffic. Done.

New toupee. That's it. You don't want anal relaxers? Fine. Take all the anal relaxers out of the storage room. Let's put them in the middle of the road and divert traffic into here to create a pattern of traffic. Alright? And by the way, this is the inverse of what I was talking about with Gail. When I was talking about like, oh, you know how there are always those

wives that meddle with the workplace? Well, this is the other way. just in case you thought i was being sexist yes the guys do it too well the difference is is that he actually paid for the business he actually paid and he actually has some business background maybe not acumen but at least background so unlike gail who comes in like you know what i'd like i'd like them to wear some blazers i want some blazers on them gail's the worst this was funny though because cory has to tell us every week she's like you know it's been hard i mean look at look everything went to hell when the mercantile exchange went digital i mean

it's like when answering machines were you know putting operators out of work you know people answering their own phone at home how many people did you see wandering around saying press 1 for English to themselves like idiots? You know, the future is killing us. It's killing us. You know, the worst thing that happens is that Sandy's next job is working as an operator at AT&T. And then here come cell phones. Ruined. You know how Sandy feels?

Sandy feels like the New York Times feels about the Internet. That's how he feels. He's going to start putting click ads on his face just to make a little extra money. The only difference is that Sandy isn't getting thinner. And there's never an arts and entertainment section. Yeah, but it's okay. He's going to get a job as a parking attendant.

I think that's going to turn things around. What? They got rid of parking attendants and put in machines? Oh, my God. Oh, we're all dying. Oh, my God. We're going gonna have to leave the North Shore! My economy! You were a good friend while you lasted!

The digital age, who knew? So, speaking of business acumen, probably my favorite scene of the episode was Corey bringing Susan to a lab of some sort that does vitamins for spa things. I kind of zoned out on the exposition

of it but they it was a business trip you know because they wanted to vitamin and vitamin infusions right so cory's exploring this so she's like so i thought i'd bring along susan because she's a successful businesswoman oh my god so susan was like okay i'm on tv i'm being i'm being shown as a good businesswoman. Gotta have my moments. So this is a great compare and contrast. When Bethany goes and sees Sonia's business things, she gives good

ideas and asks interesting questions. Susan? She's like, okay, so how about an infusion that gets you drunk without the calories? How about that? How about that? Oh, look at these gowns. These are much nicer than the gowns I get at my OBGYN.

Oh, this is nice. How about an infusion that makes me hornier? You know, do that. Let's get something that makes you hornier. Can we do one that – How about an infusion that can make my husband stop calling me Carlos when he's doing me from behind? How about – can we do an infusion that's different colors? That way it's like – I'm just thinking branding.

I'm thinking about branding. I'm thinking about branding. I'm thinking about different ways we could do this. I think it'd just be wonderful. They're like, we don't want to inject chemicals, unnecessary chemicals into your vein. Okay, no, I get it. I get it. I'm just thinking branding, you know, Donald Trump. Branding, you know, I'm a businesswoman.

Okay, look, you know what people love? Sandwiches. Can you infuse me with a sandwich? Like maybe a club? I'm just thinking of reasons why I would go there. I would go there. If you told me there was a spin class, can inject okay here's what you do can you grind down a spinning bike and then inject it into me how about that if you said i'm paralyzed

paralyzation into people okay here's what would work could you do can you infuse an anti-paralyzation drug into my body? So that way if I get paralyzed like Liza, I can be unparalyzed. Thank you. Here's what women in this neighborhood need to be infused with. Jobs. Can you just infuse people? Can we have like a job fair infusion?

You could just stick a needle in people and then they'll be working. Because seriously, I mean, it's disgusting. Here, can we put the career services department of Hofstra University, can we put that into an infusion and put it in someone's arm? Thank you. Just thinking about branding, that's all. That's all. That's what I'm thinking about. Get a job.

Why doesn't anyone here have a job? They're all working. What? Oh, okay. And even the guys who are working at the lab who are supposed to be professional scientists are sexist pieces of shit. I know. And Susan's like, oh, God, last time I wore a hospital gown, I was at the OBGYN and one of the scientists was like,

oh God, you gotta listen to this all day. About women talking. Jeez, nice that even the scientists are dicks. Yeah, this is what we call a North Shore tour of a facility. Step one, go in there. Step two, make a lot of dumb suggestions. Step three, leave.

Step four, infuse yourself with career aspirations step five get paralyzed in the parking lot because you just saw so many vitamins when susan said oh yeah i can see why she would ask me to come here and give her help i run a 40 to 50 million dollar a year business i'm like um no you don't you the first scene of you was your husband you asking your husband for 20 dollars like get out of here no one believes this yeah like your office is half the size of this podcasting studio and by the way this podcasting studio is my bedroom so um uh so then we go to eliza who is sitting by her pool and she literally says

i love my pool it's like being on vacation it's just everything like vacation everything is like vacation to this woman because she's on a vacation everything so anything that reminds about anything else in her life reminds makes me think of vacation because it's all one big fucking vacation i remember when i gave child birth it was like vacation i just laid there there. They gave me drugs. Next thing I knew, my vagina was out of shape. I mean, just like the first time I went to Puerto Rico. Sometimes I go to the travel agent and I say,

book me two tickets to my pool. I want to go on vacation. Lazy son. Oh, God. Is this the part with Amy complaining about her kid? Yeah. Amy's that girlfriend who always shows up and everything's always terrible and she's like, oh, my God, this man abuses

me and that man abuses me and my son's abusing me and then they're like, stop taking the abuse. And she's like, don't tell me that. Don't tell me what to do. I know what a relationship is. It takes a lot of work. I mean, I'm here. You know, I'm putting myself into this relationship. You know, I mean, just the other day i put band-aids on my face before i came home just so he didn't feel bad for making me breathe later i mean it's called being in the relationship

together okay well she's the type that loves to complain about it but then loves the drama and so she'll always probably you know put a spin on it uh for why it's it's still good to have it in her life she's like you know what all max does is he just yells at me he brings back a puppy you know he just yells at me i i don't get it like i'm spending too much time on him but you know what though he's my son and i'm too good of a mother i can't kick him out i'm just too good of a mother too good of a person like that oh well i mean he's a horrible kid i mean all he does is use me he's never gonna grow up get rid of him well he is friends with the ice cream truck driver and that's really nice i mean i've said

hi to the ice cream truck man for years, and he's never talked to me. I mean, Max is breaking, you know, he's breaking through boundaries. Yeah, and he's, like, very popular on Insta. So, like, that's important to me, too. Insta. So, this turned into... Max's video is frozen. It's paralyzed. So, yeah.

So, then the conversation turns because, you know, apparently before Amy was married to Mac, Mark was engaged to Liza. And they're talking about it. And it turns out that this guy, Mark, recycled his engagement ring that was on Liza's finger and gave it to Amy. And Amy's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I feel nauseous now. Oh, my God. She's like, wait a second, did it have rolling baguettes

on the side? And then Liza's like, is there any other kind of ring? What kind of ring would be in Long Island without baguettes on the side? I don't even know what baguettes are. I've never heard of that either, but I just loved it. I love that they're talking about a wedding ring and they're like, was the baguettes on the side?

Yes, and all the women in New York would have gone crazy over it. But I was happy. I love a baguette on the side. It was pear-shaped. How did he propose? Oh, he used the same ring. Did he use the same proposal to you, to me? He said, you're a dumb bitch. Come home with me. And I said, yes. And she's like, oh my god, me too. I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed. I can't believe what a small world

this is. I'm paralyzed. Quick, reach over. Unparalyze me. It's such a small world. You can reach it. And I love that the guy had two rings. Liza's like, yeah, I was just in the kitchen thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a gum drawer. And then this guy's offering me a choice of two rings. You know, he's like just pulling out two rings. Men in Long Island are prepared for this life. Well, Mark's like, well, you know what?

I went to Caldor's and they had a two-for-one sale on their jewelry, so I got two rings for the price of one. It's, you know, $45. No one will notice you're all stressed for less next year, alright? I'll save this. It's like their bar mitzvah present. Like, you're finally becoming a man. Here's five wedding rings.

Alright, use these wisely, because we're not giving you another one. You know what the best part about this engagement ring is? If you get stressed, it changes colors. Enjoy. Hey, does this still have crumbs from the Fruity Pebbles box? I mean, what is this? It's got a rainbow on my finger. Here, I hope you're not scared of spiders, because that's what your ring is.

It's a spider ring. You put it on, it looks like you got a spider on your hand. Amy was making fun of her. She's like, oh, so you got my ring. You got to hand me down. Yeah, well, so did your ex-husband. So it's only fair. Why should the ring be new?

Yeah, exactly. So then Gail takes Steven to the gym I want him to see my world I feel so sad that her world is going to the gym to an empty gym and like trying really hard with Camille Grammer trying to dance faces on a spinner no no no

this was just like oh this was sad it is so hard getting him to work out it's like pulling teeth to get him to work out and listen I didn't become a dentist just to be married alright I'm no dentist otherwise I wouldn't need this fucking idiot

we're just gonna go on the elliptical and it's a very meaningful part of my life so he just has to understand it and when Gail's like oh I just did it for our marriage because you know how relationships are you have to work and work at it to make a relationship work. Bitch, when have you ever made a relationship work? Please.

Who are you telling? Please. Why don't you get back to us once you've ever done that in your entire life? Get out of here. Fucking homewrecker. Yeah. I think of all the women, she is like the quintessential example of what people hate about Long Island.

There are a lot of good things about Long Island, but when people think about ugh, Long Island, when people do the ugh, Long Island thing, they think of Long Island, they think of her, some materialistic lady who just, you know, goes and buys a new outfit to do boot camp on the beach and marries for money and drags her husband to some suburban gym, lives for SoulCycle and is a harpy and a shrew and awful in all different ways. It's Gail. Congratulations, Gail. It's why people hate

Long Island and why they love Bravo. Yes, exactly. So then we go have some dinner with Andy and Liza to be friends with Susan now because she's apologized because she was out of line. She didn't to hurt her feelings i mean look she wouldn't have had such sensitive feelings if she had had a job but still you know i i get it so they have what susan calls a north shore dinner which is that you start off with a few pleasantries and then you get the gossip

right away of a north shore dinner it starts with chchat, then a few side dishes, then an appetizer. Then I excuse myself and run to the bathroom. Then I ask the waitress for a menu. Then I peruse it. Then I tell the waitress that there's stains on the menu. And she says, thank God they're covered in plastic. And I say, get a paper towel. I'll do it.

I'm a working girl. And then she says, does that mean a hookah? And we laugh and we laugh. And then I go back outside and then we order dessert. And then we talk. Oh, what is Long Island everything? Like people think that they do things so differently in Long Island. Gail's like, look, in Long Island, we have to exercise.

What the hell do you think it's like everywhere else? I know. And what do you think other like dinner conversations are around the world, around the country? Like, yeah, of course, people should chat in the gossip or they do whatever. So what else was she expecting to talk about? Like, politics? No. So, I loved how first she starts talking about Corey.

She's like, oh, so I went with Corey. She's getting IV bags for her spa. And I love that, like, Liza goes, what? She's not a scientist. Like, why is that, like, her first thought? Like, what? What does she think she is, a scientist? Get out of here.

She runs so fast, too. What does she think she is, Olympian? What are you? Get out of here. A running scientist. Oh, isn't that nice? And Susan's like, oh, well, you know, it's good that she runs a lot because we figured out how to infuse people with cheesecake. All right, ladies.

Don't worry, Andy. We figured out a way how to infuse a fourth husband into you he'll still beat me from the inside and then Liza I love the word fingering I missed that I didn't hear her say that did she say that

at the beginning he's like ladies in the obligatory waiter scene he's like hi I'm your waiter they're like great you know have a five minute scene and he's like, ladies in the obligatory waiter scene. He's like, hi, I'm your waiter. They're like, great. You know, have a five minute scene. And he's like, sides of mac and cheese, fingerling potatoes. And she's like, I love the word fingerling. She's like paralyzed with humor, paralyzed, fingerling paralyzation.

And Susan's like, I'm so glad to finally make friends with these women and stop being so judgmental. Ladies, do my lips look good? And Liza's like, no'm so glad to finally make friends with these women and stop being so judgmental. Ladies, do my lips look good? And Liza's like, no, to be honest, no. You know, I hate your lips as much as I love fingerlings. Okay? Your mouth is too huge. Your line is outside the lines. I mean, get with it, all right?

How are you ever going to make a pattern of traffic? You have such a big mouth. I can't even imagine how many fingerlings you could fit in there. So many. Oh, my God. I'm paralyzed at the thought. I love being slapped with fingerlings. I once ate so many fingerlings that my ding-a-lings were fingerlings.

And I love how, so, like, Susan basically is saying, like, she's like, you know what? I don't like where this is going. So we're just going to play nice and we're just going to gossip over dinner. So they gossip about Amy and they gossip and gossip gossip and then afterwards liza and corey like oh my god susan we like this susan this is the susan that we like okay you're so much nicer now you really opened up your heart to us i'm like oh you cold bitches the moment she starts gossiping is the moment that they feel like she's a warm warm soul we made lip jokes at her and she's fine susan has a heart by the way i just want to mention when you talked about the waiter scenes

on real housewives of new york city i laughed because they actually did a cutaway to ramona during the way to be like you know what i think we'll all have i think we'll all have some waters please i'm like it was the most unnecessary cutaway, but, like, you know me, I love when they cut away to Ramona saying something random that has nothing to do with anything. And also, Ramona, like, being nice to a waiter was funny, too, because she couldn't even look him in the eye,

but she's like, I have a restaurant now, and so now I'm very nice to waiters. I know how they like to be talked to, and so when I talk to them and ask for water, I ask very nicely. It's a new me. New me. Listen, that waiter could be anybody.

I'm not going to look him in the eye. He's like J-Lo. Look him in the eye and you'll get fired. All right. So... Susan has a heart! She has a heart. Paralyzed.

Jumpstart my heart like Natalie Cole. Remember that Natalie Cole song? Jumpstart a heart. Jumpstart my body. I'm paralyzed. Jump start it and then I'll break it. I'll break my heart cause I'm paralyzed.

Gum draw, gum draw. Alright, bridge, bridge. Gum draw, gum draw. I'm like that Madonna song, Frozen. If I could break your heart. Whatever that song was, break your heart, I can hold your heart. Whatever that song was. Break your heart. I can hold your heart.

Whatever Madonna sang. By the way, underappreciated Madonna song, Frozen. I don't even know what that is. Last time I saw Madonna, she was on that Jimmy Fallon show acting like a 15-year-old and I just could not.

It was Madonna's song from 1998 where she's dressed like a witch and she's like, If I could break the heart. Whatever the lyric was. I don't know. It's a good song. Download it right now, Ron, and you'll enjoy it. I won't do that because you download some songs from the iTunes and then you try and use it somewhere else.

And I say, no, it's blocked. You know, that's why I get shit for free off the internet, Ben. It's paralyzed. It's paralyzed. it's paralyzed it's paralyzed speaking of speaking things that will stop us in our path shahs of sunset reunion part two goodness grace being goodness goodness grace shahs reunion so Goodness Grace being Goodness Grace. Goodness Grace. Shaw's reunion. So where do we begin? Where do we begin in this mess?

Well, you know I got 20 pages of notes even though I was eating my Subway sandwich while I was watching this. And I was like, I can't even eat this Subway. I'm going to have to save this for New York. Paralyzed. Paralyzed. We're just going to say paralyzed. I know. No one has that accent on this show what

are we gonna do i know paralyzed let's make this show better by um having the shah's reunion be filled with cast members from real housewives of melbourne and real housewives of new york and secrets and wives so like mike mike i when i heard that when i found out that you were having sex with Gigi's sister, I was paralyzed. How Persian. That's so Persian. Paralyzed. So we open up with Reza as the South Park Cartman version of himself outside with his stupid hair and his crooked lip going, I can't take it.

This is ridiculous. You know, when I tried to ruin someone's life and then they got mad at me, can't take it i'm not here now okay let's just end it let's just end it let's just end it reza so mad about reza's the one being a total asshole and then he has to leave i mean at least pedoflor got yelled at and called a drunk before she left no they're liars they're liars they're liars. They're liars. They're liars. I do not drink. I'll be over here by the bar. I am switching the bitch. I switched the bitch from a drinker to a non-drinker. Don't they realize that?

Liars. Liars. Liars. They don't understand what it's like being poor and biracial in India. I am freaking out at this Shah's reunion. And then some producer comes outside and is like, Reza, I mean, this guy looked like Richard Attenborough. He was like, Reza.

I was like, what is this guy? What is a guy in a sweater vest and glasses working on this show for? I just think they're all morons. He does have experience working with dangerous amphibians. That's why. So I think that, you know, by the way, like three quarters of this reunion episode took place not at the reunion. It was all like shot basically outside and from Tiago. My coffee shop. And trailers while everybody was chain smoking on Hollywood.

It was like scenes of producers taking away Mike's cell phone. It was like other people like getting their lunch. It was very funny. I actually really enjoyed it. Yeah, me too. It was like other people getting their lunch. It was very funny. I actually really enjoyed it. I was laughing my ass off. It was like the reunion deconstructed. The guy's like, Reza, what's wrong? Reza's like, I can't believe this! This is ridiculous! I can't do this anymore!

Just bring the bitch out here! Bring her out! I'm not afraid! Bring out Gigi! Bring her! Okay, Harry Springer, calm down over there. I know. He was really like, you know. Are you going to beat up a woman on TV? Shut up. She didn't even do anything to you.

Yeah, he was being ridiculous. So then he was like, how long does Mike have to sit on the hot seat? That's so Persian. Oh, and then they're so stupid. They're talking to each other on set. Okay, I know that they said the cameras were off, but this crew knows better than to think that the cameras are off and that their mics are turned off. And they talk to each other in Farsi or whatever. And we have Google Translate.

All right, all you have to do is put that shit up to a phone and it'll translate it. And I don't think they understood that because they keep talking to each other. But you can understand everything they're saying. reza's like every time the cameras go off suddenly reza's nice to mike again he's like mike why are you so mad it's like you just tried to break up his marriage and then mike's like listen man it's not cool you know certain things because you're friends with me and then reza says well yeah but i wasn't gonna use them against you but you made me you're making me do it i mean what a fucking awful human being he's basically sitting there blackmailing mike at the same time i know i can't i know it's reza he's just he's awful reza was never like super nice but at least

he used to be light and funny i mean he's he is he still is horrible he's not light and funny he's also fucking he is that guy's terrible he reza is like a paradox he can be both like very funny and very smart and see things for what they are but then he can be totally self-serving and duplicitous and manipulative and it's like he's i think a scary person so when he is being manipulative, he's just like, to me, like, ugh, Reza, shut up. But then when he's being smart and funny,

it's like, I love Reza. No, fuck that guy. I can't even laugh at him anymore. He's such an asshole. Like, he talks about, oh, me and MJ are sisters. Really? Because last year,

or the year before last, you were dumping her for no reason. Or was that last year? That was last year, right? Two, no, last, two years ago. When they just all turned dumping her for no reason or was that last year? That was last year, right? No, two years ago. When they just all turned on MJ for no reason and then he turned on Lily for no reason and now he's going to turn on this guy for no reason.

Yeah. He's horrible. Yeah. By the way, people listening, if you're hearing like a little crackly noises, we don't know what it is. We can't figure it out. So we apologize.

Well, why don't I restart my Skype? You can restart it. I don't think it's gonna do any good but we can try i don't know i'm just trying to get our audio quality better ben i don't like it's paralyzed i like we're like please donate be a super sponsor to our shitty production values i know here let me um let me restart skype real quick because maybe it's my Skype. You never know. Hi! Hi! We're back. So, hopefully we just purged all the crackly noises, and if not, then we're sorry, everyone. Sorry.

But at least you can hear us both. And let's be honest, I think everyone would prefer to hear crackly noises than to have to relive the travesty of the reunion last night. We're going out here! Bring Gigig i'm not afraid you've put skype on the hot seat for long enough let's just end it let's end it end it so um so okay so what happened next i didn't i didn't take notes but i can i can talk about things my intention was to hang you by the balls i would have hung you by the balls and gg's really excited because i mean gg was really

bad first of all gg got drunk of course yeah and then she's getting so excited every time they say the wife's name she's just like ready to rip this bitch a new one they're not even trying to hide it and then they start talking about asifa or something i think actually first oh no no no they were still talking about jessica because reza said she's coming in the way of our friendship and that's not cool you know every time i complain to adam about you guys and talk shit about you guys adam tells me no matter what work it out i'm like yeah and that's not a good quality in adam because that's why he's still with your fucking ass okay because he just forgives everything fucking a stripper on national tv breaking up with them on national tv and then taking the honeymoon trip with your fucking ass okay because he just forgives everything fucking a stripper on national tv

breaking up with them on national tv and then taking the honeymoon trip with your friends fuck you of course adam takes it i think that there's there's uh there's got to be a happy medium between jessica's way of dealing with it and adam's way because adam's way is too passive because if if you're in a situation let's say you like your boyfriend has a bunch of friends who are just kind of assholes and don't treat him right. You know, you would sort of say to him, like, hey, like, these friends are not, like, they don't have your best interests. And you should, like, you shouldn't be around them. But then at the same time, you also want to respect that this is sort of the way they all operate.

And you don't want to be someone that says, stop being friends with your friends. So there has to be somewhere in the middle i think both adam and jessica are probably not handling it the best that they could i don't know the right way but i don't think that's the way to do it well i think jessica was just trying to get a shot as a regular cast member and instead she kind of got herself off the show right and i think that mike also has to own up to the fact that it sounds like he has drifted from these people, but then again, he was sort of pushed away

because by the end of last season, he was also kind of moving to pariah status last season. So he should just own up to it and be like, listen, yeah, I did drift away because you know what? You guys are being assholes to me. He did. Why should I have to be around you guys if you guys are being like assholes? But he has said that. Well, he didn't say you being assholes to me, and why should I have to, like, be around you guys if you guys are being, like, assholes?

But he has said that. Well, he didn't say you're assholes, but he did say I have drifted. Yeah, but he let Reza sort of control the story, because Reza was like, Mike, you don't come by. You don't make an effort. Like, you don't do this. You don't do that, Mike. You haven't tried at all.

And Mike's response should not have been like, I will try harder. I know. It should be like, well, I will try harder. I know. It should be like, well, why do you think I drifted away? It wasn't because of Jessica. It's because you guys were mean to me. You know? Yeah. You were telling the world how lazy I was and I didn't do anything and I'm an idiot. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You dragged me through the mud.

What? So what? Who cares? I mean, we're like brothers. Don't you remember what Cain did to Abel? I mean, so what? Abel forgave him. I mean, these people are all just totally dysfunctional. I mean, I'm gonna just skip forward for a moment, like, to the very, very end, when Gigi, like, approaches Mike,

like, hey, Mike, you wanna go get a drink with us? It's like, what is this? Like, these people are so messed up. So anyway, so then Andy's like, alright, alright, let's take Mike out. Let's give Mike a break here for a second. And then, did he move up to Asifa next, or was he talking to MJ?

No, they moved on to, I love that it's like this horrible, awful, vile shit being spewed left and right, and then Adam's like, I mean, Andy's like, okay, now let's talk about MJ's love life. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for the fun clip. And then MJ's like, no, you know, he turned out to be a bad guy. You know, he was cheating and he was lying. And, you know, the worst was that he lied about the status of his business. GG. I mean, MJ, he said he was like a mobile dog groomer. What else do you need to know? I know.

I know. I know. Yeah, apparently he cheated on MJ a lot. It's too bad. I was rooting for them. We were all rooting for you. I just love that MJ's trophy fake boyfriend for the show is like 10 years younger. It's like this younger man, and he's still basically Norm from Cheers. Yeah.

Yeah. So then, I think then we went on to asafa right oh when andy i think andy is starting to hate these people too yeah because andy when he was talking to mj obviously didn't even believe it like uh-oh you know those trucks just came by my place so everyone did you hear yeah um their sliders are on fire. She burned herself reheating her sliders in the oven. Andy was trying not to laugh

when he was reading the comment cards when he's like, he literally said it like this. He's like, MJ went through the process of being fertile. Like, yeah, I don't believe it either yeah so and then reza said that he would give mj his sperm imagine right when you think it can't get any worse a hybrid yeah it's

like the dinosaur from jurassic world like you genetically modified like you used genes from both a raptor and a cuttlefish to make this dinosaur it It's like, oh my God, you use Reza and MJ's genes together? This baby is going to be born with fake tits and real tits and two mustaches. And a love for Chevron. And an awful mother. So they, actually I've liked her this year for the most part. She is kind of a C word.

So anyway, then was Gigi's stupid relationship, her stupid fake boyfriend. And she's like, yeah, we're still seeing each other. I mean, we're doing each other because I'm serious about somebody now. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was she's like, no, we're just basically like fuck buddies because I found someone else that I can really see a future with. And I like I think it was that he was like, oh, well, maybe you should stop being a fuck buddy. We're talking about it.

If there's someone that you see a future with. Listen, if you see a future with that guy, it doesn't mean that you can't still have sex with the other one. It's just that you have to do it on a really important day, like your bachelor party or your wedding. Like Mike, he's classy. Just don't tell, just don't tell him about it. Let him find out on a Bravo promo. That's so Persian, homegirl.

I'm looking over the Facebook comments right now and they're so funny. One has a really good point. What the hell is up with us coming back to this second episode and nobody bringing up the fact that Mike was just accused of fucking Gigi's sister after his engagement.

Yeah, that was weird. That was weird that there was no follow-up on that. It just sort of like sat there. Like you have a delivery from Gigi's extensions. It's a cease and desist. It's a cease, desist, and don't watch this or it will possibly shrink. Yeah, and pat this on your head. So instead we went to,

then I think eventually we went to Asifa and Bobby, you know, the question of Asifa. And she was like, you know, I really had no idea how much it was really affecting you guys. And I'm sincerely, I sincerely apologize for that because I always thought all this time the only people we were bothering were the other people at Mixology.

But it turns out we're bothering you guys too. Guys, we didn't mean to bother you. I mean, it's really hard because my dad almost died a year ago. What? I love that people are using almost diseases. We have almost cancer. We have so many almost diseases.

And now you can't even get almost cancer by yourself. You have to give it to your father. I mean, come on. I mean, that shows really weak, weak personality. And thenby comes out and they're like so why are you guys still together he's like that's what i keep asking her that's what i'm asking her all the time i'm like why why and jenna but then i'm like don't act like you are one of us spectating on your relationship we're asking you too like if you are asking it then why are you with her like he acts like he's like powerless like yeah but she won't leave she won't leave the house she won't lose she's like i just want to give it a try i just want to make it work and

it's like you've been together for seven years it's not working they're so stupid and he's like you still love her and he's like no no i don't i don't he's like do you think you belong together no no i don't but she won't leave i mean what am i supposed to do she won't leave i mean i can't break up with her if she she doesn't break up with me of course you can do you have no other trainers in your neighborhood to fuck and then of course she brings that up again i just can't with these two and then her fake tears and they're like bring bring some napkins from the caterer and it's like a stack of robo's chicken napkins they're like here wipe off your tears with this rolled up grape leaf yeah get out of here exactly i mean i i liked what mike told her in the in the trailer a little bit later when he was like he's like listen like you have to move on like you want to have a you want to

have a baby right she's like yes he's like all right you're 32 so it's gonna take a year to meet someone to date someone to see if you want to marry them and it takes another year and then takes this then takes this and takes this move on yeah mike's like you're old i mean how old are you i mean you're like in your 30s you know what that is in la years if you really want a man you better do it now because soon it's over it's done i mean the men on this fucking show are disgusting it's not like find someone you really love that's not even well but he never even said that it was just like oh you're getting old and if you want to have a baby you better hurry because you have to at least date somebody for a

year first normally i would agree that it was there was a lot of chauvinism like woven through those statements but the truth was he was being the truth to her because he knows that's what she's about she's about looking hot finding husband, getting married and all that shit. That's what she's about. OK. And he basically was like, well, if you want to be like that, then you better move on from Bobby because otherwise you're going to be. No, I don't think he's looking at it through her worldview. I think he's looking at it through all of their worldview.

And it's pathetic. Like, come on. I don't know how we're living. But but listen listen if you if you if i agree i i always feel like listen find love first and then hopefully if you want to have a child that will that will fold in but like don't put the horse in front of the carriage but um but i think though that i think he was speaking her language there and and hopefully it got through to her well he certainly was because he even said you're trying to make a dog into a cat

what what is with this show? How stupid are the people on this show? What does that even mean? Yeah, I don't know. But maybe he was referring to a recent episode of CatDog on Nickelodeon he may have seen. And Andy not even pretending to be professional at this reunion. At least normally he's trying. Like it's usually cute because he's trying too hard and still messes up.

But this time he doesn't even care he's leaning all the way back in his chair with his legs straight out in front of him crossed and is like like he's on the beach like for the last the last half of this he's like man he's barely reading the cards yeah and then when bobby and osif are fighting he's like i think you two should break up today right now yeah who are you that's the host of a show be quiet exactly and i like how he thinks that if they break up on the reunion like that's gonna stick because it obviously won't they're gonna come back to each other you know um even though they can't list more than two things that they like about each other they're still gonna get back together over and over and over again yeah Yeah. And just as further proof

that these are terrible friends to each other, MJ and Gigi are standing outside the trailer and Gigi's like, oh my God, you look amazing. Love your dress. Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, MJ looks like she got caught up

in some sort of aerialist ribbon that fell from the ceiling. Yeah, she looks like somebody threw one of those plastic things that hold Diet Cokes together into the ocean, and a whole team of dolphins got caught in them. MJ looks like there was a giant rhythmic gymnastics accident, and she wound up wearing it all.

Whatever that means. It was a ball somewhere. Gymnastics, and I think that's the first time anybody's ever put gymnastics in the same sentence as mj or or rhythmic for that matter so um so asafa and bobby are just absolutely terrible asafa is still holding out this hope i don't know what it is that she, I don't know what she's thinking. She's just an idiot, narcissist, fool. And any guy she's with, she will treat like that. Trust me.

Why can't he be a man? She even said the same thing again. Like, why can't he be a man? Why can't he be a man? He's acting like a bitch on this. Why can't he be a man? Like, oh, I hate when she does that. Yeah.

Why can't he be a man and just let his mom eat out of a fucking to-go box? I mean, I don't get it. Prince Charming did not expect Cinderella to do dishes. Okay, I can tell you that much. Be a man. Grow your own beard. Don't draw it on with a sharpie. And then Reza, during this fight, when Asifa brings up the trainer, Reza goes, So what? So we banged some ugly chick.

It doesn't count if they're ugly or if they're on a party bus. I mean, come on, there's rules. That's so Persian. So anyway, I know the girl who came out, Jen. She used to date a friend of mine. And I used to think, oh my god, this girl

looks like she'll rip me a new asshole. But she's actually really nice. But she has that look about her. And now that I'm watching that tv show unreal and see what these fucking producers actually do like push people in front of buses and stuff and then stand back and smile like i support you honey now i know you jen i understand you jen and i love you even more but when jen the production the producer comes out and she's and also i have to note that we've seen Jen now, I think like five times on Bravo reunion shows. She's always like, she's

the one they all, they're like, alright, we need a producer. Get Jen out there! Get Jen! She's like, here's how we feel as a team of producers. But she's like, listen, Andy, um, Mike won't let Jessica come out of the trailer. So, we're gonna have to take care of that.

And Andy's like, great. We'll do a standing interview in fluorescent lights and respect her wishes. Yeah, that was amazing. Andy goes into the trailer and then basically conducts this interview with Jessica. And she's like, Andy, I just don't feel comfortable going out there. And then he's like, well, it was my understanding that Mike didn't want you to go out there. She's like, yeah, basically. And then she's like, I just, I have so many things to say.

And well, the best part, by the way, about this whole thing was how Jessica is just a parrot. She doesn't really have original thoughts. Her only original thought is I'm a wife because everything else, she just repeats what Mike says. And then Andy puts something into her head, and then she starts repeating it. Because she starts going on and on about, like, I just feel like I've been portrayed so badly. Like, he's a guy who I just fell in love with. And then Andy, trying to convince her to come out, goes, you know, he's like, wow, it sounds like you really have a lot of things to say. She's like, I know.

So then Jessica winds up talking with mike and he's like no jessica you're not going out there and she's like i know i just i think i have a lot of things to say i'm like you literally andy put that phrase into you and you just spat it out yeah he knows how to manipulate totally he's like yeah you just stay back here all you want to if you don't come on the show we're going to rent out this trailer um or charge you for it and um if you want to talk because you seem like someone with a lot to say yeah then i'll be over here waiting and he's like listen i just want to put it out there that people who appear on the reunion get a free refill at tiago next door so i'll be over here she's like she, Mike, we will be right back after this message. Mike, it is Summer by Bravo, okay? Mike, I'm giving you an option.

We can play whose dick is bigger or whose boobs are better. Okay? Spin a wheel, Mike. Spin a wheel. Mike, I'd like to introduce you to our guest bartenders of today. And then Mike goes to talk to her and she's like, I need to talk. I'm so misunderstood. And Mike's like, yeah, that's the point. Listen, America hates you and now they won't be mad at me when I

cheat on you publicly. It's kind of starting to seem it's amazing how this all turned around at this part because through the season it looks like Mike's just so passive and docile and jessica's this bitch on wheels that he's just trying to control and now we see that it's not that at all it's mike filling her with all of this poison and then when she explodes he's like oh you're

embarrassing me so you have to stay off of tv and then he tells her to shut the fuck up and farcey what the hell yeah i know that was that That was bad. I mean, I do think that Jessica is just like an immature woman, you know, and that's why she lashes out and has these things. But absolutely, you're right. Mike does feed her immaturity and then he's controlling to her. I mean, he's a pig. No doubt about it. Well, when Andy announced to the cast that Jessica wasn't going to come out,

first of all, they had just announced that Jessica was going to come out. And Gigi smiled, and she's drinking another glass of champagne with this relish on her face. Yeah. Unlike MJ, who literally has relish on her face. And then they announced that Jessica's not going to be coming out. And Gigi and Reza get furious. Reza starts his fake crying thing again. Well, before even Reza.

And then Gigi's like, we just want to have a conversation. We just want to have a conversation. Like, that's all. Bring the bitch out. We weren't going to try to bust her. We weren't going to try to execute her. Just having a conversation conversation just trying to air out some things that we had on our minds yeah right yeah how dare you not let her come out do you know that she didn't try and rape me how dare she non-rape the non-rape issue she'll just use it against everybody

um so yeah they start fighting about why she's not coming and then it becomes an instagram fight because andy calls them out on um you know res is like what did i do i'm totally nice to her and he's like uh actually i have instagram you know i'm on that and i follow you guys but he's like yeah but i did that because i went to her wedding and then she sent me a thing because i wrote a blog and it said that you know, she was being mean to me because she wiped her ass with my check and then I was like, how can you wipe your ass with the check that you

cashed? I actually thought, believe it or not, I was actually more on Reza's side in this thing because like, I mean, I'm sure he wrote something bad on his blog for sure, but Jessica really was like pretty nasty on social media if you have to in that specific that specific environment if we're gonna say like who is nastier definitely jessica

and the truth is also that like jessica should have a beef with gg for sure i mean she should she should think that reza's manipulative and an asshole but like she shouldn't really have a beef with him if that makes sense like he never really came for her necessarily you know well maybe not but from what it looked like to me in this reunion is that Gigi and the sister aren't talking I don't think I think that the

sister was the one who she told Reza or no Mike told Reza that he fucked the sister after the engagement party. And then Reza told Gigi. And Gigi's sitting there waiting to use it against her, and she can't. It's like, Gigi, your own sister won't even fucking talk to you, all right? I know.

Like, whoa. Well, I think that, I mean, I don't think that Reza had. Are you okay over there? Yeah, I'm here. Did something happen? Did you have an earthquake? I think Ronnie fell over. We'll just wait for him to get himself situated.

Did you slide on... Sorry, yeah, I did fall over. I was... Did you slide on a puddle of relish? MJ's relish? Were you paralyzed? They're so upset that they can't get her out there to just rip her to shreds. And I'm glad that they couldn't.

And then Andy is such a liar. He's like, well, she was just coming out here to apologize. All she wanted to do was say she was sorry. I know. Stupid Andy. They were so mad. So then, like, if I remember correctly, everything sort of, like, came to a close. It's sort of like, I think that she basically, Andy's's like, alright, well, let's pour a drink.

Let's have a toast. And they give a toast, and then this is what they always do. They're like, well, no matter what, we're still a family, and Mike, the door is always open for you to come back. And then Mike's like, I'm not going to toast to that. But you don't knock. You don't knock on my door. Why aren't you

knocking on my door? The other day, someone knocked on my door and it was a jehovah's witness and i was like wow these people may be crazy but they're better than mike mike i literally put in parquet flooring so you could come knock on my door and come dance on my floor sorry but they're actually made out of parquet because that's um mj's favorite snack. We've been waiting for you. Life is just hers and hers and his. There's no company without you, Mike. Mike, be a golden girl, not a golden palace, all right?

No one liked the second one. Mike, stop dressing like Mr. Furley and just get over here. So then Reza stands up and he's like, bye, bitches. That was horrible. That was awful. Like, what was awful for you? No one confronted you on shit, okay? All you did was ruin everybody else's life and then leave.

What is so difficult for you, fake cry Cartman? Shut up. Get out of here. I know. I don't want to see you stupid ass. And then he approaches Mike after and he's like oh mike that was fun good times okay give me a call and tell jessica to call me too because we have to go out together yeah suddenly resi gets all bro he's like listen hey bro here's the thing okay homegirl like i

don't know what's gonna happen with you and, like, homegirl, okay? Like, I don't know, but, like, for you and me, like, all that I want is that, like, you can be pissed at everyone, but I want you to go home to Jessica and say, you know what? They're all assholes, but there's, like, a shred of hope for us, okay? Let's keep the door open and then come knock on it. We'll be waiting for you. Also, I'd appreciate it. I mean, say it in a nice way because we're brothers and everything,

on it. We'll be waiting for you. You know what? Also, I'd appreciate it. I mean, say it in a nice way because we're brothers and everything, but I'd appreciate it if you told Jessica that I expect a thank you note for cleaning her ass with my Wells Fargo check. You know, that was a big step for me. Yeah. Come on, Mike.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on, Mike. We're bros now. Come on. Like, I know i just supported gg when she said that you fucked her sister but like there's a shred of hope for a friendship i think come on bro yeah and then he's like well i wouldn't have used that but you made me i mean you made me do it yeah come on come on knock on my door come on. You'll see that life is a ball again. Laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous.

Three's company too, Mike. Like, Mike, I just wanted to say thank you for being a friend, for traveling down that road and back again. Your heart is true. You're a talented confidant. Even though you're lazy and don't do anything and your wife is a stupid slut that I hate, okay? Mike, there's no place like

home when your family's around you and you ain't got no one Life is a stupid slut that I hate, okay? Mike, there's no place like home. When your family's around you, you ain't got no one. Sorry, Mike, I just can't remember the rest of it, but it's true. Mike, don't you want to go where everybody knows your name? Mike. He's like, Mike! It's just the beginning of a reject. I know, I was going to be like, Mike! You know, the taxi theme song, Mike, take a taxi.

That's what I'm trying to say. Take a taxi to us. Mike! We've been found guilty of being a bad friend at night court. This show's over now, right? now right well no one last thing because after all this craziness then we cut to MJ being like okay guys I have reservations at koi for eight like our well is Mike coming I don't know she's like I'll ask if Mike is coming and G's like Mike so you gonna come and get

drinks with us come on let's just like let's just like let's just you know let's just like square this away let's just let's just end it he's like, so you're going to come get drinks with us? Come on, let's just square this away. Let's just end it. And he's like, I don't know. And it goes, to be continued. And then that's it. There's no preview for next week. I don't even know. Is there another episode?

No, no. It says, to be continued next season. Oh, I didn't see the next season. Yeah, they popped up a next season underneath. Oh, I thought that was to be continued next week. I was like, is this like a fake cliffhanger? Because there was no indication that there was anything after this. Mm-hmm. These people

are awful. I cannot wait to see how they ruin each other's lives between now and next year, because you know next year, it's like one of them chopped off the other's leg, and one of them fucked the other. They're horrible. They're all awful. And listen, we get to complain about a lot of terrible people on Bravo. These are hateful fucking people. They're horrible. They're all awful. And listen, we get to complain about a lot of terrible people on Bravo.

These are hateful fucking people. They're the worst. Well, I feel bad for Asa because she's next in the roulette wheel. Everyone else has been ostracized. Now it's time for Asa. Yeah, Asa's turn. And at least the cast of fucking Vanderpump Rules is horrible, but at least they'll bring you some water. That's true. Although Asa was kind of... Season 1, Asa was the one they were making fun of. They were like, look at her. She dresses from H&M.

She's like poor. She dresses so weird. They're so weird. Everyone hated Asa season 1. And then season 2, everyone hated MJ. Season 3, everyone ostracized Lily. And then to some degree, Mike. Oh, and Gigi was also ostracized somewhere with MJ. And then this year was Mike.

So, looks like it's time for Asa again. Yeah. Or Lily. Oh, poor Asa, who does so much for the world that she's on a terrorist watch list. Bitch, please. You know, I was on that watch list too

because I took a lighter on the plane. Okay? I had to be pulled over for two years going through checkout because I had a lighter. Get out of here. No one cares about your stupid veil in front of the Fresh and Easy.

Who are you kidding? Like they've never seen veils in front of the Fresh and Easy or women stripping. Get out of here. No one cares about your stupid veil in front of the fresh and easy. Who are you kidding? Like they've never seen veils in front of the fresh and easy or women stripping. Get out. Okay. Well, on that note, thank you, everyone, for listening. You can follow us on Facebook, facebook.com forward slash watch what crap ends. Oh, if you listen to this podcast soon enough and if you actually finish it soon enough we are doing a uh a hangout for for our patreon subscribers or some of the patreon subscribers um so hopefully you'll be

able to get to that in time that is happening today thursday june 18th 6 p.m uh pacific um so i hope everyone's able to join for that and of course on patreon you can donate to us there we have links on Facebook, et cetera, et cetera. We have those new tiers, the premium tiers to support us. If you really want to be flossy,

as they say in the Shaws. And, um, I think that's about it. So thanks everyone for listening. We will be back next week with just more and more Bravo. It just, it doesn't end.

And thank God it never ends, never ends. And we'll have a bonus episode next week about something. Probably Big Brother. Who knows? So, looking forward to it all. Bye, everybody. Bye. If you like listening to comedy,

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