Watch What Crappens - #196: There's a Methode Champenoise To the Madness

Episode Date: June 23, 2015

On this episode, we follow the women of "Real Housewives of Orange County" as they trek up to Napa Valley and try Heather's new METHODE CHAMPENOISE named Collette. We cover everything from chandelier shopping to sake bombs, and most importantly, we address the most important question of the episode: "Who's this?" Then it's off to Atlanta for the latest silliness on "Married to Medicine." Grab your private investigator fedora! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. So I'm standing in the Walgreens holding a sharing size pack of peanut M&Ms. And I looked at the People magazine because, you know, that's my favorite. Yeah, tough crosswords. And it was really good because there's that lady who's pretending to be black who's the head of the NAACP.

So I knew it was going to be a good issue. Rachel Dolezal. Yeah. But I did not have enough money to buy it. And then I remembered I don't need that much money because I have it waiting for me at home on my iPad. And I sure did. Because I have Next Issue, yo. Yeah, it's true.

And did you know that you can get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins? Hell yeah. What's better than getting a People magazine than getting it through crappins? I mean, this has Audrey Hepburn private family photos. It's Audrey Hepburn, gorgeous, with her little baby. And you can see, like, you can

feel the disdain that she feels as she looks down in the middle of the cover and it's Kate and Georgia's fat little baby. You know Audrey Hepburn's baby's like, that baby's fat, mommy. Well, here's the thing. Okay, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not really an avid reader of People, but it doesn't matter because with Next Issue,

you get tons and tons and tons of magazines. I mean, you could look at Joe Manganiello on the cover of Details. You could even look inside the magazine and look at all of Joe Manganiello. I mean, you could go to Diabetic Living. Inside Joe Manganiello. Yeah, however you say his name. There's like, I mean, they actually have like tons and tons of magazines, and they are all available on your tablet if you do

this thing. Yeah, it's like a Netflix for your magazines, except you don't have to wait for this stuff to come out later, because it's just waiting for you right on your iPad. And Ben, if you're not reading People, you need to start. They've got the fake black lady, Audrey Hepburn and her skinny baby,

Kate and George's fat baby and then the topper seduced by killers arrested for helping two prisoners escape and right on top of that headline is the fat baby running for a soccer ball i mean come on i mean it's everything it's everything you want and and the truth is also if you do next issue anything that's in the magazine is going to be on next issue it's like everything's in the print editions on the same day they hit the newsstands. And there's also like interactive stuff too. It's an incredible value. One subscription gets you all these magazines

for as little as $10 per month. And it can be used on up to five devices. And you can get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappens now and read up, way up on all your interests. nextissue.com slash crappins now and read up, way up, on all your interests. nextissue.com slash crappins. Watch what crappins. Watch what crappins.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins? Crappins. Crappins. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. Watch what crappins. Watch what Crappens Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crap In's, a podcast about all that crap on... I almost said on podcast, but on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender,

and joining me is the lovely and funny and beautifully voiced Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Oh Ben, stop it. Yes, listen to that range, you can be so deep and get so high. He's the man of a million voices, Ronnie Karam. Oh, Ben, because it's, uh, we're recording this. It's Tuesday, which means that of course this episode we have, we will be talking about real housewives of Orange County. I cannot wait to talk about this latest episode. We will be talking about marriage and medicine, and I'm sure we'll be talking about lots of other errata. Um, I don't know.

Are we going to talk about mother funders? Yes. No. Maybe we'll touch on it since I spent. No. And I totally texted you to watch it because I thought we would need something. And then I didn't. I didn't watch it.

Then Ronnie didn't watch it. But it's OK because I my DVR just cut off the first 20 minutes of it. And so I only had to watch 40 minutes, including commercials. So it was OK. It was OK. I survived. OK. But but let's do a little housekeeping of course you know you can follow us on facebook facebook.com forward slash

watch what crap ends all sorts of really fun stuff uh everyone's really funny so christy tegan if you're listening like it's a really good page to like um oh my god christy tegan hates our asses so much right now. I know. But you know what? At this point, she's asking for it. She tweets out, hey, what's a good podcast to listen to? I'm going on a long flight. And you know, some of us responded.

She tweeted, is there something serial-esque? And people are like, yeah, Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens is not serial-esque. But thank you. David, did you or did you not have a mistress did you or did you not speak to that woman in the parking lot of the Best Buy David

David answer me David objection overruled David I would love to see Shannon Bedore hosting the next season of Serial Adnan Saeed were you or were you not at the library? I just, I guess, I guess, Adnan, I just, sometimes I have bad thoughts about you. You know, it's just, I've had a lot of days where I have good thoughts, but then some days I have bad thoughts, Adnan. Sometimes all I can think about is the inside of a trunk, David. I'm so sorry. I don't,

I don't know what happened. I didn't do it. A homeless guy who peed in the bushes did it, David. David, where are they taking me? David? David, we drove to Best Buy, and then we drove to that park on the other side of Baltimore, and it took us all day. David, how did you do it in an hour? David. David. David, is that a Best Buy or Heather's new house, David?

David. My name's Adnan, not David. David, why are you saying your name's Adnan? David, did you have a religious change without me? David. David, did you or did you not push high off the chandelier? Did you or did you not have sake on the way to Napa, David? David.

David, did you only buy three bottles of wine for this court case, David? I actually wish we could redo the entire serial with her as the host. I know. That would be funny. Adnan.

Hey, Adnan. So, you're so cute. You're so cute. Adnan, come sit on my lap. Adnan. Adnan, why are you running? How can he run? He's in jail.

Adnan. Adnan, don't be mad at me. I just feel like you're giving me hope and I've just gotten used to life in here. Don't be mad at me for this. Here lies Shannon Bedore, who gave hope to Adnan. That was her wifely duty. And here's to Adnan, who completely ignored Shannon her entire life and made her feel things she didn't want to feel. Made her have a completely negative, thoughtful day. Thanks a lot, Adnan.

Adnan, how do you feel when you see me lying by a tombstone? Does it make you think of Hay? Does it? David, Adnan. Adnan, how do you feel when you see me lying by a tombstone? Does it make you think of Hay? Does it? David, Adnan. Hey, that reminds me of the hoedown. She deserved to die, David. David, Adnan, I hope they don't give you the chair because that's my chair. Hey, hey, did David have sex with someone on Hay?

Come tell me the truth. Adnan, why didn't sex with someone on Hay? Come tell me the truth. Adnan, why didn't you introduce me to Hay? I'm just sitting here at the bar. Why are you doing shots? Why are you killing someone without introducing me to her first? Oh, cereal. Can't wait till you come back. But anyway, yeah, otherwise, this is not a cereal podcast.

Sorry, Christy Teigen. She's like, damn it. She's still on the plane right now. She's like listening. She's like listening. Like, what's going gonna happen with shannon badora not none um so yeah so that's what you can go home and tell her husband do you know what's going on in the world write a beautiful new song about a beautiful new love song oh god um so anyway so yeah come to our facebook page you can also also support us at Patreon, where you can donate at all sorts of different levels. When you do, you get access to things like a bonus episode or ringtones or a monthly hangout, which we did last week. We had some technical issues, but we did it.

Patreon.com forward slash Watch What Crap Happens. We have new premium tiers. And everyone, we actually have a premium supporter. We have to thank. Premium. Claudia Catalina. Claudia, thank you so much. This podcast is sponsored in part by Claudia Catalina.

So everyone. This has been brought to you by Next Issue featuring a cover of Claudia. Claudia. On the first cover of WatcherC Rapids magazine is Claudia Catalina. So thanks, Claudia. We really appreciate that. We really,

really do. And of course, if you donate at a premium tier level, you also will get shout outs. And normally we do them at the end of the episode, but we're so happy and excited that we gave Claudia a full spot right in the middle of this part. We love you, Claudia. Claudia. Now what else? We gotta sell anything

else? No, that's it. I think that's it. We don't have BoxyCharm today? We do have BoxyCharm, I believe. But I don't remember where the BoxyCharm... I've gotta find the BoxyCharm stuff here, so... BoxyCharm, Cappy? BoxyCharm. Where's my BoxyCharm?

A surprise just arrived in your mailbox, Ben, and it's full of BoxyCharm. Well, I do love BoxyCharm because I love a mystery box, you guys. When I get mail, it is usually bills, bills, bills,

people complaining that I haven't paid for that TV I got from Best Buy like three years ago. You are just like Destiny's Child. But did you know this about BoxyCharm? That it's a beauty subscription box that sends you full-size products ranging from cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and more for only $21 a month plus free shipping and with no long-term commitment. And you can cancel at any time.

Other companies send sample sizes, but BoxyCharm sends you full-size products from popular brands such as Tarte Cosmetics, NCLA, Oscar Blondie, and Cargo Cosmetic. BoxyCharm promises a total value of $95 or more each month. BoxyCharm also offers exclusive members-only offers and giveaways from the best brands. Subscribers can receive loyalty points to redeem extra goodies for their box. Perfect for treating yourself, wife, girlfriend, moms, friends, David. If you're still not sold, just search BoxyCharm on YouTube to access thousands of unboxing videos. Yeah, my friend Trisha was like, BoxyCharm, makeup in a box. And I'm like, yeah, you got to change it up because you got to change your makeup every once in a while.

Be like Ramona. It's new. It's fresh. You're new. It's a new you. I mean, some of my friends still wear old base from the 80s. Okay? No, that's gone.

It makes your pores look big. Wait and see what the kids are wearing. Get your box of charm, y'all. Yeah, I get it. Yay. So we did it. We did it. Everyone, if you've made it this far, we thank you.

Yeah. We don't have anything else to plug today. And that concludes our podcast. So thanks, everyone, for listening. Thank you. That's our full hour. It's a podcast about plug-in. thank you yeah we don't have anything else to plug today and that concludes our podcast so thanks everyone thank you that's our full hour it's a podcast about plug-in um no i mean we just i think we should i think we have to it's time to dump in dump into dive into dive into and dump on the real housewives of orange county you know when we spend this much time laughing at ads that there's only two shows on that week it's true let's talk about boxycharm for the bonus episode bean yeah we could talk about that i mean because obviously we're not gonna be talking about uh odd mom out right you know i've tried with odd

mom out i don't get it i mean i lived in new y for 10 years, and those are not the moms. Those are not like the Central Park crazy moms. Those moms, you know, the real ones are like 30s and 40s. They don't act like fake, classy 20-year-old strippers. Like the fancy moms on this odd mom out are very like 20-year-olds. Like they're 20-year-olds who blew somebody to get their job. Let's face it, because none of them are comics. None of them are actors. They're all just kind of like bad acting 20 year olds i don't like it yeah um jill kargman who i guess wrote the book that this series is based on

you know i uh i give her props for figuring out a deal where she could star in her own series but um what i've seen of the show the writing doesn't bother me so much but i think she's just not a good actress and i'm sorry i'm sorry jill karkman i'm very sorry i'm sorry you're ruining okay you're ruining your own show okay you know it's just i don't even know like if she's a bad actor i think the writing's not good but i only watched the first one so you know maybe it gets better i don't like anything the first episode uh i just i hear the lines die die terrible deaths with her poor delivery i i'm sorry i'm sorry okay okay you know what i say how it is like i don't get how she's the kooky one when like the kookiest thing she does is dance around in her underwear like uh

tom cruise did that in the 80s okay all right well that that that i mean not panties but you know not to trash it i've only watched it once so i'm not it's not i feel like there's a lot of upside i feel like there's a lot of upside but um i think jill karkman get get thee to some acting classes please please please um okay so um anyway you want to do first? Real Housewives of Once County, Ben? Yeah, obvi, obvi, obvi. We have to. Because it's so... It was cracking me up.

This episode, this week, I was rolling on the floor. Just everything about it was absolutely hilarious. From Shannon freaking out on David, from Heather being totally insufferable, from Tamara wanting attention for her boobs, from Tamara saying that she was saved. Everything, every single thing.

You know, I'm just sad that there wasn't more Vicky to add to the mix. But let's start with the good thing. Well, we got to see her granny thongs or whatever. Yeah, those are probably like free giveaways at Andalais. Buy three shots and get a thong. Yeah, she's like, could you believe that a 15-year-old busboy used to wear these? Now they're mine! I won! I won the Andalais. Buy three shots and get a thong. Yeah, she's like, could you believe that a 15-year-old busboy used to wear these?

Now they're mine! I won! I won the Andalais lottery. You almost made her into Reza there. That's so Cora de Casa! That's so crackers! So let's start at the beginning, because I've taken

20 pages in it. Me me too i took a ton i think it started with megan talking about how they're moving again she's like we're moving again it's like the seventh time i like can't deal with it like maybe it's so hard like finding any hots like like are they running from the mob or something like that i mean who moves this office they were just moving in and now they're moving out someone's got bed bugs in that family yeah i think that jim is just trying to get rid of her he's like maybe if i move enough she'll she will she'll come home one day and i'll just be at a different house and i'll never have to see her again um i'm still in that mode where i'm realizing what some

of these lines are in the openings because i've realized that if i pay attention to the openings i see something new every time. I haven't really seen anything new this time, but Shannon's whole lemons into a bowl thing just kills me every time, especially while her marriage is crushing and she's talking about how

feng shui can fix everything. When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl. Put nine in a bowl and make David sleep outside. When life gives you a fare, turn the hookers into lemonade and make David pretend he doesn't enjoy drinking it every morning. When I put those lemons in the bowl, it was a low point in my marriage because that was the day that I woke up and David suddenly just said he wanted to have lemonades instead of nine lemons in a bowl. And he never likes lemonade. David, David.

instead of nine lemons in a bowl, and he never likes lemonade. David? David? I mean, something was wrong when David actually took one of the lemons out and ate it. I've never seen David eat a vegetable. David? David? What's happening to you?

David, you're cheating on me. David, I always thought you liked lime, not lemons. Lemons were my thing. David? David? But I'm working through it. This episode opens with Heather and Tamara joined by Megan and, of course, the obligatory waiter scene. And this waiter, you guys, this Bravo waiter worked really hard. He was like, hi, guys.

I'm John, your waiter. Would you like water, tea, coffee, wine? Would you like wine? Would you like Pop-Tarts? Would you like to hear our appetizer list? Have you ever been here before? Do you need a rendition? Like, shut up.

Even Heather was going to smack him, and she's trying to be nice. Yeah, exactly. She's like, I'll have a glass of colette uh method champenoise please um so she's like are you carrying colette colette champs i would like champs do you have champs i'm sorry she can't call it uh colette champs it's colette meth champs i'm a champ no no one's carrying colette you barely carry you barely carried colette get out of here i did a search for it online and i don't think anyone's carrying it and it costs 40 a bottle can you believe that girl that is not your target audience okay fancy bitches are not ordering this wine these are poor people you need to have like a ramona pinot grigio like yeah

exactly what it what it – Exactly. That's like in the $13 to $18 range, which is even more expensive than I'm willing to pay for Pinot Grigio. But still, at least it's a little bit more user-friendly. I mean $40 for Colette, I mean come on now. Come on. Come on. That's how much you pay the nanny for a day of taking care of Colette, okay?

Yeah, exactly. So she's asking about Colette, which, no. And then she's talking about these massive parties she has, because she's Heather. And, you know, Heather, when she changed her name, she had a party. When she broke ground on her new mall house, she had a party. When she had a pedicure, she had a party. Yeah. Special moments.

And every one of them was obnoxious heads. Exactly. So then, my first belly laugh came when uh megan started talking about how she's i guess she's gonna be putting she's gonna be hosting a charity dinner and she's trying to get these the catering set or whatever and someone gave her shannon's number to call and so there's a flashback to megan calling shannon be like hey it it's Megan King. I'm calling because so-and-so gave me your number. And I was just wondering about this thing, this charity thing that, like, I'm hosting it this year.

No, you hosted it. And Shannon's like, yes, that's right. That's right. So I was just wondering about the catering. And I was wondering if I could, like, get some insight from you. And then Shannon just goes, who is this? This is a total passive-aggressive icing out of Megan, Miss 30-year-old. Miss 30-year-old, okay.

I don't have a problem with you, David. And I just lost it. I love the way Shannon engages in warfare. It's so passive. She's like, well, I heard that you hosted the same party last year for the same charity. And Shannon's like, no, actually, no, no i didn't um no that was not my charity uh my charity was chucky cheese cancer foundation that's where chucky cheese removes cysts from children while they eat pizza so different completely different don't want to talk to you but who is this someone gave me your

number oh someone gave you my number oh well you know my kids are in the car so my kids are here so my kids i'm sorry i can't talk to, my kids are in the car. So my kids are here. So my kids. I'm sorry. I can't talk to strangers with their children in the car. I'm sorry. David? David, is this your mistress calling? David?

David? David, is this calling close? David? David? And what she said later really did make you think, oh, my gosh, she totally thought it was David's mistress. Because she's like, how would someone have my number? I mean, who has my private number? My private cell phone number was given out. Like, who is trying to call Shannon?

Who has a public cell phone number? It's like Next Issue. They're like, do you know what you can get on your iPad? She's like, please stop calling me. Please, please. Who gave you my number? The Chuck E. Cheese Cancer Foundation? Because I will destroy them.

Who gave me this box of makeup? David? David, is this from your mistress? No, hon. I got you some boxy charm. David. David, this isn't my makeup. I knew our marriage went wrong when I got a package from David filled with makeup that I never wear.

I thought, do you even know me, David? David, have you ever met me? This is a box of someone else's makeup, David. You sent this to the wrong slut, David. David, I you ever met me? This is a box of someone else's makeup, David. You sent this to the wrong slut, David. David, I'm being harassed by your mistress. Every single month, she's sending me a box to remind me of all the good times that she has with you. It's every month. It's makeup to show all the times you guys go out.

David. David. Honey, I just did that so that you could smile. Oh, really? That's going to make me smile? Something from a stranger that I never wear? Oh, that's great. Bring your mistress over for dinner.

I'll be smiling ear to ear, David. I'll be smiling ear to ear, David. David? David, you know the only subscription service I belong to is Boxy Lemon. David? David. Nine lemons every month. I never know what's going to be in there, but there are always lemons. David, sometimes I get a spray can. I cut

it in half, hoping that I get the lemon side, and then all the soda comes out. So, uh, Shannon's totally rude on the phone. Which is amazing. Basically, which I love. Who is this? Who is this? Who is this?

Who is this? I'm sorry. I have children in the car. So, so funny. Uh, then I'm putting, I don't even know what i'm talking by the way by the way by the way we need to address the pink elephant in the room by the way i was gonna say i don't know can you hear me when i speak by the way i'm not sure what if like if it cuts out my audio on and off i can't hear you when i'm talking isn't that isn't

that helpful david no i was gonna say what telemarketer calls up asking about catering assistance? Like, hey, I'm looking to host something. I want to get your recommendations on catering. Who is this telemarketer? Hey, I'm throwing an event for a charity. I heard you through the event. Would you like some poor children delivered right to your door? I can do it.

I've got a lot of them in this charity. A lot of poor kids. I don't want your poor children. this charity. A lot of poor kids. David. I don't want your poor children. Anyway, I'm sorry. Go on. No, I'm just reading my notes.

It was a pressing thought in my head. I was like, what sort of telemarketer did you think this was? Like, hi, this is Tamara Barney, your friend. David is a telemarketer. Tamara's trying to sell me charity again, David. David, Tamara started working for a telemarketer hey we're trying to sell me charity again david david tamra started working for a telemarketer i'm sorry homeless person asking for change but my children are in the car how dare you this is so inappropriate the other day david took me to a restaurant full of telemarketers no it was an indian restaurant i know it was outsourcing

sanan's like let's address the pink elephant in the room and I was like Vicky's in Mexico and then Heather she brings up this whole Shannon thing which was a non-issue that she got a shot from from David last year at that hoedown or whatever yeah and Heather's like oh god who cares if someone wants to have sex with Terry, I'd just say have a go at it. Now, if you want a Wells Fargo card, that's completely different. I'll cut your vagina. His penis, take it anytime.

Take his penis. And his onion rings, too. So then Vicky's going to be winning an award? A real estate award? Yeah, she's going to Florida. Because it's the Oscars for the insurance industry. Oh, yeah. It's just like the Oscars.

Black people are never nominated for anything. And, you know, if you show up without a leg or something, you're an automatic shoo-in. And midway through, there's an interpretive dance segment. You know, car insurance, car insurance, car insurance. We've got our own Harvey Weinstein. You know, he upgraded his Maxima and he's banging every 20-year-old in the room. And Neil Patrick Harris hosts. Outstanding, outstandingum life insurance Goes to

Vicky Gunvalson That's my dream My dream is getting a slab of plastic From Doogie I'll tell ya Gerald McRaney is nominated also Gerald McRaney He took up a job at State Farm

He had to keep up with delta shellacking business so let's find out what delta burke's been up to delta well i shall lack things now i'm sure i've told you about that before that's the best delta burke talk show appearance i've ever seen i don't even remember what it was but she's like hi y', y'all. It's me, Delta. I'm back. They're like, hi, Delta. What's been going on? She's like, I love shellacking things. I shellacked this rose. I've shellacked a cupcake.

It doesn't even matter. You can shellack anything. Shellack a child. You'll have that child forever. I was like, oh, no. What happened to her? Poor Delta Burke. So Gerald's in insurance now.

Gerald McRaney's at insurance at at state farm and he's nominated for a state farm oscar he's up against the aflac duck well i'd like to thank uh state farm for keeping me out of my home which we call the crazy farm get it people i was on a sitcom vicky in the background. Vicky's cheering. Oh, this is the best award show ever. I haven't even fallen over yet. So she's getting ready to go to this thing, insisting it's like the Oscars.

Some people get a new dress. I have Gretchen's chin now. That's how I'm going to go. Who cares what I'm wearing? When. Who cares what I'm wearing? When they ask me what I'm wearing, I'm going to say Slade Smiley kisses it at night. And they're going to ask me back at a question. Gretchen's chin? Just like on Jeopardy.

It's like the Oscars and Jeopardy. I'm not even following it anymore. It just all sounds funny. It doesn't make any sense. Don't buy it. You know, I love when we have our fantasies. Gerald McRae and Vicky up for the same award with the Affleck duck. My biggest competition is Gerald McRaney.

I feel so bad for people who listen to this through one of those streaming services that gives you no rewind or fast-forward ability. I know. Well, if you listen to it through iTunes, I'm sorry, on the iPhone with the podcast app, you can fast forward 15 seconds at a time. Yeah, because some of them you can't. Stitcher, you can, thank God. I'm like, no wonder so many people listen to this on Stitcher. It's probably a 10-minute show at home. It's like one BoxyCharm ad at home, and then that's it.

I know. By the way, pause for one second. How exciting. Ronnie posted this on our Facebook. We hit number nine on iTunes. Our episode was number nine in TV and film. That was so exciting. Ronnie posted this on our Facebook. We hit number nine on iTunes. Our episode was number nine in TV and film. That was so exciting. All the podcasts around us were like NPR and Game of Thrones and all like professionally done.

And then it was us right in the middle. We were the top dumb podcast. Yeah. So we actually have to thank all the listeners, perhaps Chrissy Teigen, who got us up there because that's pure grassroots because everyone else has like engines corporate engines behind them and we just were you know it just shows a whole bunch of silly voices

and dirty words can get you in life number nine it's a Skype account guys it doesn't even have to work half the time yeah we were number nine right or nine right or six nine

uh nine we were number one right yeah yeah but that was like two I think two or three days after we had uploaded Nine, right? Or six? Nine? Nine. We were number one, right? Yeah. Yeah, but that was like two, I think two or three days after we had uploaded. So who knows how high it got been? Who knows? It's like we won an Oscar in the insurance industry.

Oh, yeah. We were right up there with three Game of Thrones guys and some NPR guys. And the Gerald McRaney podcast. So basically, people listen to podcasts, smart people, and then Bravo people. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both people listen to podcasts, smart people, and then Bravo people. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Okay, so back to Orange County. So Vicky went off.

Basically, this is all we saw of Vicky. She went off. She packed her thongs, went off. Yeah, and then Shannon sat there and tried to pretend like she was really positive, but she's still thinking about David. And she's like, oh, Vicky, that's wonderful news. I'm serious. And she's totally not. She looks miserable, like she's going to make herself throw up and then, like oh vicky that's that's wonderful news i'm serious and she's totally not she looks miserable like she's gonna make herself throw up and then like drink it and choke on it she's like

she's like i think it's wonderful that you can back everything into one bag whenever we fly we pay through the nose because we bring so much baggage david david david oh poor david uh she's talking about how people are suddenly nice to her and i forgive it but i have not David. Oh, poor David. I wanted to have a... She's talking about how people are suddenly nice to her. And I forgive it, but I have not forgotten. Yeah. And so sets the tone for the rest of the season. Yes.

So anyway... Listen here, Shannon. I don't know what's going on inside that dark little brain of yours, but you gotta whoop it up, you know? You gotta have a drink or a penis. I mean, I don't even care. A line of coke? I don't care what it but you gotta whoop it up, you know? You gotta have a drink or a penis. I mean, I don't even care. A line of coke? I don't care what it is, but whoop it up.

And Shannon's like, I'm getting Dr. Moon's thumb up my ass later, and hopefully that'll do it. We'll see. David, why don't you put your thumb up my ass? David, happy anniversary. I bought you rubber gloves. Okay, so then it was time for everyone to fly up to

napa so everyone gathers at the airport megan is dressed like she just stepped out of dynasty she's like she loves to rock some 80s power outfits right her hair was all up she got the shoulder pads out i mean she was like she was full-on like dynasty slash sigourney weaver in working girl you know yeah the paps are like hey what are you wearing and she's like all the ex-wives because you know she's just going into those closets and like hemming shit she's like my fashion icon is joan van ark she's like my husband will only let me wear things that other people have already worn yeah he dresses me up in his mom's glamour clothes but the third wife didn't have her

hair in a bun so we're totally different he still calls me jessica though i mean i don't know i'm letting it go for now yeah i i'm still trying to get some more of that tuscan rustic look into our into my wardrobe so that way i can separate myself. Jim's never really bought me anything, but he did buy himself a t-shirt once when I was with him, and it says, I'm with the dumb bitch, and then it has an arrow pointing to me. So sweet, really. I really felt

like I was part of, you know, it's like, you can't have a joke t-shirt like that unless, you know, you're together. I really felt like I was part of the team. I was thinking, what should I wear on this trip and i'm laying there in bed trying to imagine what i'm gonna pack the next day and then i felt myself being suffocated with one of the ex-wives ball gowns and i thought you know what this will be perfect so anyway uh so joining them was this girl katie and i swear to god this katie girl

i've either seen her on a different show or or i've like met her i feel like this is a girl that i once hung out with 10 years ago like i am it's killing me i have i've been doing so much detective work like how do i know this girl with her white trash oh i know how i know this girl how because i grew up born again boy i went to jesus chapel saint clement and let me tell you i've known a million of those girls, and they all crazy bitches. And here's why. Not because they're Christian, okay? I don't care about your religion or whatever, even though it traumatized me as a child and still continues to as an adult.

But, you know, that aside, I don't care about that. Be who you want. You know, worship who you want. But Katie's one of those Christians. I call them serial killer Christians because there's those people who are at like rock bottom emotionally so they grab onto Christianity because they don't want to like take fault for anything like when serial killers

have killed so many people and then suddenly they're like oh I found Jesus too late you still kill people you know she's one of those and you can you know who they are because they smile really big and they always talk fake hi Ronnie welcome to school are you doing okay you sure look great how's everything going one of those they're all crazy yeah i i

believe that and katie fits right in line i mean she it's poor girl she's got like the big old fake tan over bleached hair white trash bangs everything is just going all wrong i mean it's got like a big old fake tan, over bleached hair, white trash bangs. Everything is just going all wrong. I mean it's like a Fraggle Rock disaster. And she is like, you know, I just have a very personal relationship with the Lord. Like I just let him – he tells me what to do and then I do it. I love how I give her a southern accent even though she doesn't even have one. But I'm just like, you know, everything.

You're like, ugh. And then, so she's talking about church again. And guess what? Tamara's been going to church. This is what we learned on the plane. Tamara's like, I've been going to church. Yeah, I didn't really want, you know, some things are really private. I just don't talk about them. Like, yeah, right, Tamara.

You talked about, you committed suicide. Like, or tried to commit suicide. And your mom fucked you up and this and that. Like, three times, you know, in front of a convention for 15 women. Yeah, no kidding. The only time you don't talk about shit is when you've got an ex-husband threatening to sue you if you do. Let's not beat around the bush here.

Yeah, so now Tamara is, she's found the Lord. She's found Jesus. Sunday morning, and I needed a drink, and every bar was closed, and I heard they had wine at church, so I went, and it was fun. I mean, there was music, wine, everyone was thin and i heard they had wine at church so i went and it was fun i mean there was music wine everyone was thin and blonde it was great yeah and then tamra says i'm saved and if you don't like it you can suck it like yeah it sounds like you've really taken on the

message of the lord real well there tamra sue but then the other one katie's like oh yes well i love the lord i'm so glad that you have found him i mean look i don't even ask advice from anybody anymore when i need advice i ask for it from the lord i'm like really did jesus tell you not to dye your eyebrows the same color as your hair i don't think so i know i was just about to say when she said you need jesus i was like i hope that's not the name of her hairstylist yeah j. Jesus loves Aquanet, apparently. So, I know. Learning new things about Christianity every day.

Yeah, yeah. Jesus loves the 80s. So, we found out also this week, not on the show, but because of one of our lovely listeners posting for us on Facebook. We had brought up that something happened with this Katie girl. And so, she sent us the article which explained it, which was that Katie was supposed to be full-time, and her Christian thing was supposed

to be like a full-time storyline, which you gotta hand it to Bravo. I mean, they have no shame. They're like, let's just use Jesus. We've used everything else. Well, it's funny because they've gone to the Jesus well before with Alexis Bellino, but that was kind of like the ridiculous self-serving Jesusness of it all. And now, at least with Katie, it's more of like, oh, let's watch this porn again.

Yeah, try and hold it together. Well, meanwhile, the reason she didn't do the show was because her husband is a famous baseball player who's an addict, I guess. And they got into a big fight one night and he went to a strip club or a casino or something and got wasted and then fell off the wagon and then divorced her. Yeah. Which is really sad. But that's what I'm saying. That's these people. Whenever they're that crazy nice, and I don't even mean Christian.

crazy nice and I don't even mean Christian I mean just when they're that nice when people come up to you with a smile like that and they're like I am so happy for you and happy for everyone because life is beautiful they're miserable and cutting themselves every time she's like you know I just listened to what Jesus said and you know Jesus

Jesus shows me the way just the way like Jesus totally sent me to a destructive relationship with a drug addict yeah jesus just needed he just needed somebody reliable to be with that little addict and i was there and it had nothing to do with his money and it had nothing to do with his fame i was just with him because i loved him and wanted to stitch him up like a little broken cockroach i mean even little broken cockroaches deserve to live like no they no, they don't. Stop it. Please stop talking.

Anyway, they finally arrive in Napa and have the. Oh, wait, we forgot something funny. Okay. I'm sorry. But Heather walking up to that plane dressed like Mrs. Peacock from Clue. That jacket was terrible. And then saying, oh, some of my friends haven't flown private before. Sorry. I mean, I'm sorry if you have to deal with any of that telling

the crew like you know you're talking to other poor people right i'm sure your friends yeah dealing with any of that what are they expecting like these women are gonna like try to like jump out of the plane like oh hey that's private like like i think people know how to act on a plane for the most part even these even these dumb bitches i mean like so you know if they do something crazy like you know flash their vagina to you because they're so excited to be on private, you know, just be okay with that. I'm sorry, you know, my friends. It's for TV. It's because I'm on a TV show.

You know, the most popular pop culture iconic show. Malibu Country, you ever seen it? I know Reba McEntire. I actually have a signed cease and desist from Reba McEntire. Do you want to see it? And Lily Tomlin, oh, she is just wonderful. She invited me to be the other half on Great Frankie and Gracie. And I was like, no, no, no, please.

Give it to Jane Fonda, not me. You're just so kind. Let Jane Fonda do it. I'm actually still doing aerobics, so I'm busy. Yeah. Lily, now, have you flown private before? Oh, you totally should. And you have to try my method champagne while you have a chance.

There's like, I'm so sorry. I'm bringing poor people on the plane. So if it starts smelling like a Glade plug-in in here, it's not my fault. She's like, now, everyone, please take your seats and be sure not to sit in the roped off area that's for the cake oh tamra i'm on a journey i'm on a i'm on a private plane a private plane with the lord so like look how can i how could i resist jesus he's the only 30 year old hot guy who will still come into me. I mean, into my heart. But still. I'm saved.

I'm saved. Jesus is like, bitch, get away from me. She's like, hey, Jesus, I want you to know, I know we've had some rough times in the past, but I made this charm bracelet, and it has a lock and a key. And we're going to lock it and throw away the key to show we're locking up the bad times in the past. Hey Jesus, welcome to my living room with 90 crucifixes. Are you feeling uncomfortable?

Why is your face turning red? Jesus? Jesus? Jesus? Jesus, were you at Bass Lake? Were you at Bass Lake? Jesus? Okay, Jesus, your friend called your friend called me up at three in the morning and told me everything about you I'm just saying Jesus I think you're fake yeah she wouldn't even betray him with

a kiss she'd like betray him with a boob job she'd be like hey Romans I'm getting my boobs done and my friends aren't supporting me would you like to come? Jesus might be here. Jesus, I know we had a troubled past when we nailed you to a cross, but I was going through a tough time with Simon, and I feel like I owe you an apology. Okay. We need to make clear, not mocking Christians,

mocking Tamra. Calm down over there. I hear you getting all upset over there. Just calm down. Yes, calm down over there. I hear you getting all upset over there. Just calm down. Yes, calm down, everyone. We are just mocking Tamara. Then they arrive in Napa and Heather gets her own private car

and sends everybody else on a bus. She's like, this is for people with rich husbands and mall homes and the party bus is for the poor people. Sorry, that's just how it works in this town. Yeah. Champs. Champs, champs, champs.

So she goes to the vineyard. What was the name of the vineyard again? It was like Models or something like that. Models. Models. It was Rite Aid. The Rite Aid Vineyard. Rite Aid Vineyard.

To try her first bottle of method Champenoise. She's like, Cineast means, Qu'est-ce que c'est? She gets up and saying, well, you know, we can't technically call it champagne Just try her first bottle of method Champenoise. She's like, Cignas means Cuvasse. She kept on saying, well, you know, we can't technically call it champagne because it's not produced in,

you know, the Champagne Valley of France, but it's the same method. That's what's called a method Champenoise. I'm like, bitch, it's called a sparkling wine. It's a sparkling wine. Just be fine with that, okay?

Like, if Domaine Chandon is okay with calling their shit sparkling wine, so can you with your Colette, okay? Don't call it a meth and champagne. Yeah, this is called a meth and champagne. Okay, we do it like the French, but it's here instead of in France. So, you know, it's our way of fixing France a little bit. You know, our bottles smell like deodorant in the daily bath.

You know, it makes sense, really, because I'm kind of a method actor, so of course I'd have a meth and champagne. It's a French wine that you're not allowed to have bread with. You know, it makes sense really because I'm kind of a method actor. So, of course, I'd have a method champagnoise. It's a French wine that you're not allowed to have bread with because the French still haven't learned. God bless them. I mean, have you read that book, How French Women Stay Thin? They don't. Okay, that's the secret. Yeah, they don't.

So then, so she starts like, so she she's gonna have a party at this vineyard and she's trying to immediately she's getting bossy she's like i want to have some more bottles of method champagnoise over there and we need some more method champagnoise over here we need some method champagnoise over there like everything like jesus just i just love that she's so picky about the name and then she's such a bossy bitch and then tries to act so fancy because she doesn't want to call it sparkling wine but she's still calling it method which is a body wash. Yeah. You're classing it up as an orgy. And you're calling

it Colette. Okay. Yeah. She's like I'm naming this Ivory. Yeah. The cheapest soap at the dollar store. And one of our commenters mentioned this and I had the same thought which was I think it's not very nice that she names after one of our commenters uh mentioned this and i had the same thought which was i think it's not very nice that she names the names after one of her children so it's like on the one hand it's like favoritism and then the other hand when they're giving a speech later on there's like oh colette our mistake i'm like ha ha ha like this is like fuck yeah she's like well we named it after

colette you know because well you know she's probably going to be the one to drink it first. I pushed her straight out of my vagina and into a dog crate. Look how happy she is. I'm not going to micromanage, you know. That's where I learned not to micromanage. Method Champenoise. Method Champenoise.

Method White Rain by Heather. I just hope that Colette's I'm just hoping that Heather's Method Champenoise does as well as her restaurant. Whatever happened to that restaurant? Remember? From like two years ago, she was like, yeah, you know, me and my friends, we're just going to – you know, we're just going to have a restaurant. It'll be great because it's someplace that we can just all go to. And we can go and we can hang out and have all the food that we want to eat.

Because there's nowhere to eat in Orange County. I do remember that because we talked about it on the show and then I Googled it after because, honestly, when the show ends, I do nothing else but Google Bravo things or my own name. And she was in the Orange County register and they were interviewing her and she had gotten a lot of flack for saying that there was nowhere good in Orange County. And people in Orange County were like what about the chilies you bitch you righteous bitch and you know where else can you get as much white bread as you want the golden corral you dumb bitch

it's called soup plantation stupid hoe and she was like well look I didn't mean to offend anybody with my comments. I was just saying sometimes me and my friends want to go eat. And, you know, I just thought it would be fun. She's trying to, like, be nice in this article.

And then all the comments were like, you're a cunt. Like, every single comment was, oh, goddammit. I'm sorry I said the C word. You're a C word. And every comment was just telling her off. And I was like, this girl is not going to last. And here she is four years later, three years later, whatever. now hawking her own her own bubbly because she loves naming an awful wine after an awful child you know what i love is that all these stupid real housewives

entrepreneurs they always come up with like some product because they think oh well this is what i'm known for like heather's like well i love i love champers you know i love champs i'm always talking about it's therefore i'm gonna have my own champagne i'm like no that's not really the way launching a product work it's works it's usually like you have to like see if there's a need for something in the marketplace yeah and then you do it like something doesn't being a fan of something does not mean you created it yeah doesn't mean you're qualified like if there there's a need for, let's say, a margarita that doesn't have as many calories, I think a lot of people would want that. Oh, good. Skinny girl margarita.

There you go. Servicing a thing. Do we need a method champagnoise called Colette? No, probably not. No, we don't. It's like when people watch a lot of tv shows and they're like i'm gonna write a tv show watching tv shows does not make you a tv writer okay like being a fan of things i'm a writer now because i watch a lot of golden girls no no you're not vicky vicky's vodka the

bloody piggy um i'm trying to think what are some of the other ones like cuff love oh good i like pretty little liars but i'm not gonna blackmail a bunch of teenagers What are some of the other ones? Like Cuff Love. Oh, good. There's so many of them. I like Pretty Little Liars, but I'm not going to blackmail a bunch of teenagers. Like, come on. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah, exactly. So I just have to say that.

That's my Shark Tank commentary on the method Champenoise known as Colette. I'm a big fan of Post-its, so I'm going to start selling Post-its called Post-ums. Post-ums. I'm sort of known for my love of Post-its, so I'm going to start selling post-its called Post-Em. I'm sort of known for my love of post-its, so I'm going to have my own brand, and the post-its are going to be in the shape of my face. I love France, so I'm just going to open France. I'm going to

open it here in my mall house. It's called Method France. Method France, because I can't have the original... France can only be created in the region of France, so if you open France elsewhere, you have to call it Method France. region of France. So if you open France elsewhere, you have to call it Method France. Fixing France.

Oh, that's so stupid. So they get to the White House, this big thing, and Tamron's like, oh my god, it looks like the White House. There's not black people here, are there? They know that we're from Orange County, right? She's like, where's the chapel? I've been saved.

Eddie, we're either going to the chapel or a room. I need to get on my knees ASAP. That's going on the Creppins Quotes Twitter feed, I believe. And then Shannon and her one line of non-misery for the entire night. Everything Shannon did tonight was from a place of pure, unadulterated misery. But this one, she's trying to be positive. She's like, look, here we are in Napa in a big house. I mean, welcome to Silverado.

Which is like, it's very old school. And I love everything that's old school. David likes new school things like new mistresses. David, David, Isn't that your aesthetic? I like old school things, like when your husband's getting a shot and he actually introduces you to the slut he's talking to at the bar. You know, old school. You know how they do it. David likes

old school things, too. But the lowest point of my marriage was when I discovered that David had a brand new aesthetic, and the new aesthetic was slut. David? David? David? I like old school, but not so old, because, you know, if you go too old, you'll be in the Depression was slut. David. David. I like old school, but not so old, because, you know, if you go too old, you'll be in the depression, and those

people were depressed because their husbands paid them no attention. David. David, I think we should go to old school and get some counseling, David. David. David. David. David, does this school look old to you? Does it look old? I know you're not validating feelings, but are you guys validating parking? Because it's expensive.

David? David, where are you going? David, get out of that Uber, David. David never pays me to drive him around. David. And then they get to this hotel, and it's kind of, like, cheap. Motel 60. And Tamara's like, it looks cute.

Bitch, please. When you saw Gretchen's house, you almost threw up on yourself. That's what this place looks like. It looks like Gretchen's house. No, that's, no. Nothing can look like Gretchen's house. It looks like Gretchen's house before Ross Dress for Less happened. Yeah.

Gretchen's house. Gretchen's house is basically, like, layaway for Ross and Steinmart altogether. No, that's the insult to the Silverado. I will stand up for the Silverado. It did not look as bad. Nothing can look as bad as Gretchen's house. Nothing. You need to add way more fancy ceramic chefs around that place and fleur-de-lis for it to look like Gretchen's house.

And then we learn that Eddie's mad because Tamara still hasn't changed her last name. And she's like, it's really hard because, you know, I'm Christian and his last name is Judge. And who am I to judge others? Jesus wouldn't do that. Shut up, Tamara. She's like, well, I always thought that Betty Rubble was the hottest.

And, you know, having my last name as Barney kind of makes me feel like Betty. I don't know stupid um so anyway um so they all get ready and then and now they're all now it's time to get ready for the party and everyone's getting ready and everyone's getting excited and everyone's waiting everyone everyone assembles and there's one person missing and it's shannon they're like where's shannon where's shannon and around the corner comes a golf cart and all we hear we we see what's written out on the screen i think because they're speaking in hushed tones is shannon saying to david you have the power with the choices that you're making right now and i just lost it i'm like i love when shannon is so mad she gets so

livid that she speaks in like therapy phrases you know because she's she's so angry she's just trying to channel it through the proper proper wording and it's her that's breaking down that's always so funny she's like the shrink and the person breaking down at the same time and david that's why he has that fucking terrified wide-eyed look on his face every single time you see him david david you have the power to make choices right now david when i when i try and cut your throat are you gonna take the knife out of my hand are you gonna throw it out what are you gonna do david you have the power to make these choices david make a choice david david's like oh can we keep driving yeah so they so they literally david

says can we keep driving so they they drive up to the women and they just learned because you're so agitated. Yeah, and then they keep on driving. And then everyone's like, what? They just drove by. And they're so confused. They don't even have a chance to find an angle to be mad at Shannon. Because, you know, normally they'd be like, I can't believe she would do that. Not on the night of Colette, you know.

But instead they're just so confused. They're like, Tamara's like, are they being saved by Jesus? Did Jesus do that to them? That move was ruder than Colette's ever been to us yeah so um uh so then we find out that the reason why they've had this fight is because all the guys on the way to um uh on the way up to napa they went to a japanese restaurant and David took three sake shots. And Shannon can't believe it. She's like, David never took sake shots. David doesn't do that. Oh, what's happened to David?

Where's David? Hello, my name is David. Doesn't tell me enough. I need more. What's under the name tag, David? Show me what's under the name tag. Shannon's like that woman in Airplane who, remember when her husband orders coffee with milk in it? And she's like, Jim never orders coffee with milk.

You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't remember that movie. I saw it so long ago. Sorry, I'm too young. It's just like this. It's like an ongoing gag in the movie. It starts off like, Jim never orders milk with his coffee. And then they keep coming back to her every 20 minutes or something.

It just gets crazy crazy. They're like, so-and-so never or something. It just gets crazy crazy. Like, someone said never order this. Anyway. David, David's changing. I don't even know this, David. Who orders sake and sushi? Sushi, for crying out loud. In the middle of nowhere, in between Los Angeles and Napa, there's nowhere to get sushi.

It's a wasteland. David wouldn't eat in a sushi place that gets sushi shipped in. David, what's happening to you, David? You have 58 chandeliers, David. David, David, that's raw fish. Dr. Moon says you can't eat anything raw. David, David, David. I'm glad we had that talk with the kids

about not getting divorced last week, but what are we telling the chandeliers, David? David? David, was there a chandelier at the sushi restaurant? David, David. So he's like, honey, you have the power. Or no, she's like, you have the power to make your choices. And he's like, honey, you have the power. No, she's like, you have the power to make your choices. And he's like, but you're so agitated.

He's like, how about I just give you a kiss? And she's like, oh, what are you going to do? Through those gritted teeth, David? He's like, oh, God, please, lady, just stop it. And I love how when she's telling us about it, about how she's like, you know, sometimes David does things, and

I'm trying to move forward, but, like, I can't help it. I have negative thoughts. And then she goes, some days I go negative thought free. Some days I do. Congratulations. And it's wonderful when that happens, but it's very rare. I mean, you know, it's David, David. And David says, well, you know, I'm sorry.

It's just Christian made me take some sake shots. She's like, oh, a Christian? Oh, that's great. I thought, oh, new camera battle. Yeah. Sick of Christian trying to turn my husband into an alcoholic. Is this what you people do? That's why I hung up on you. I thought you were asking for money for Jesus.

I'm not giving it to you, David. So finally, they they like drive back again and they join the group. And and the gang takes a bus over to the party and everyone's there drinking colette and what happened with you guys why did you just pass by us in that golf cart and she's like i had some wardrobe issues um yeah i was uh wearing this uh bikini and then um uh it fell off and cbs is suing me which I don't see how it's my fault. You know, it happened during the Super Bowl, David. David, remember when I performed the Super Bowl?

David, David. She's probably like, well, you know, we were about to go to the party, but I was having wardrobe issues and I was afraid if I didn't look slutty enough, David might walk off with another woman at the end of the night. David. And Katie's just looking at her

like, honey, I know who can help. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord, he doesn't have wardrobe malfunctions. He dresses you up in faith. Get on those knees and ask Iyanlazis to fix your life, honey.

He's like, listen, David has enough women around him on his knees. He doesn't need me there, too. I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it, David! David, I'm agitated. I can't help feeling how I feel, David. So then they go to the party, and everyone's drinking Colette. And by the way, you can always tell

which bottle is the bottle of method Champenoise Colette, because it's the bottle that's, like's like loud and unruly and is totally embarrassing to your family the one where if you bring the bottle to synagogue it's screaming the entire time so um uh anyway uh but but shannon wanted a cocktail not a colette and uh i was i thought this kick off World War III. I thought this was going to be a whole big thing because she went to get a cocktail instead of drinking the sparkly. But actually, it did not. I was a little surprised. Yeah, me too. Because she was so agitated.

It was so funny watching her walk around. Oh, I see wine with bubbles. Is there a bar? Because I read on the Evite that there was a bar. I don't see a bar. Where's the bar? It's in the next room, maybe? I'm not going to the next next room she said the bar was in this room the evite says the bar is in the main room we're in the main room is someone explaining to me why there's no bar in this room if this bar is so goddamn important to you then fine you take the bar

um but then i loved how this somehow still turned into like david's fault right because it was something what happened? Because he said getting in trouble again because she was like, I'm going to the bar. And then – what did he say? Remember what happened there? Yes, because he was just like, where's the bar? Where's the bar? Where's the bar?

And he's like, honey, we'll find the bar. And then he passed one of the other husbands who he had gotten drunk with earlier that day. And was like, I'm in trouble again. And she's like, what? What was that? What did you say to that person? I don't understand, David. Why did you say that? What did you say to that person?

Was that a telemarketer? What did you tell them? Did you give them my cell phone number? I'm done with you, David. I'm out of here if you did that. David, I was having a negative thought-free day. David. He said, I just said that I don't want to get in trouble again.

She's like, I don't even know what that means, David. What language was that, David? Are you here to do the gardening? I don't even understand what you're talking about anymore. Who's this? That's what she does to David every time she's mad. He goes, hey, babe, just going to see how your day is. Who's this?

I'm sorry, I have my children in the car. I don't want them hearing the voice of a cheater. David. Who's this who's this who's this i'm sorry who's this um so meanwhile we take a break from shannon's craziness which is the best kind of craziness. Oh, wait. But first, Shannon tries to be friends. Okay, yes. Go on.

Shannon tries to be friends again with Tamara by giving her the hangover pill. And Tamara's like, what is it? A morning after pill? My vaginas don't work! It's like, yeah, no, it doesn't.

So she gives her this thing and it's the hangover pill they talked about last year and it's empty. Someone's been drinking sake. Oh, I'm sorry. Shannon's like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought there was a pill in there, but I forgot David needed it on account of him getting drunk on sake today.

Apparently, David just reaches into my purse and steals things and then put them back. Like that girl tried to steal my charity event and put it back. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of things being put back in front of me. It was mine in the first place. I don't want your chewed up gum. So anyway, back to the party. Tamara, meanwhile, is having an existential crisis because no one is noticing her new boobs.

Okay. First of all, Tamara, first you're crying in a hospital because no one came to visit you when you told them all you were getting a boob job. And now you're saying you haven't told anybody you've gotten a boob job and no one's noticing. Which is it, Tamara? Because right now you're kind of looking like a liar. And I know that you can just say sorry and be forgiven later, but that's kind of not how it's supposed to work. You dumb bitch. Yeah. I love how – What are you to work. You dumb bitch. Yeah.

I love how – Yeah. Yeah. She's just – the whole – the fact that she like got rid of the boobs and then wants them back. I mean she's so desperate for attention. She's so thirsty. At this point, people are so used to boobs going up and down. They don't even remember what the proper size is anymore.

They're just like, okay, whatever. It's like a thermometer. I didn't notice that your boobs are bigger i did notice however there are sharpie markers still on them from the plastic surgeon what is on her boobs it looks like she's got the remnants of marker all over her boobs like when they draw on you when they're like this needs to get done and that needs to get done yeah there's still arrows pointing every which way on those boobs well she she probably asked the doctor not to wipe them off. She's like, I just want to keep them on until someone notices.

When somebody notices that my tit is pointing at my face, that's when I'll take it off. Thanks. Now, I wanted these boobs done right. I wanted them done in Beverly Hills, where they know how to do a good boob job. But we're in Orange County, so this is method Beverly Hills boobs.

Method boobin' wah. I like when she was showing her boobs to Eddie. She's like checking in the mirror, and she's like, babe, do my boobs look good? And he's like, honey, you're looking more and more transgendered by the day. By our next anniversary, you're going to fit into a Pornhub subcategory. Let's stay married forever. Oh, yeah. I think at this point,

did they call Vicky or something like that? Because at one point, Vicky appeared back on the screen, and she's like, well, I don't know how they're having fun without me. I mean, I'm the fun bus. Who's having fun not on the fun bus? I'll tell you who is. Gerald McRaney.

Gerald, stay off your words. He's like, Tamra, stop being a bitch to Brooks. Hey, everyone. You heard it there first. Hey, everyone. I got Gerald McRaney on the phone. We're having a great time at the Oscars of Insurance in Florida. This is the best time we've ever had at Kissimmee.

Gerald McRaney just did the talent portion of the Oscars for Insurance. He wheeled out Delta Burke, who had shellacked a hamster. It was amazing. I got to be part of the variety show. I played the Aflac Duck, and the Aflac Duck played me. It was hilarious. I got sawed

in half, and then they sawed half a Gretchen onto me. I'm a new woman! Woo-woo! It turns out Lance Burton was the surprise guest. Lance Burton. I'd never heard of him before but I sure love magic. He gave Brooks a whole new mouth of teeth. Didn't come from me. And guess

what? Here's the best part of it all. Turns out that he uses magic to get rid of Brooks' cancer so Brooks said he doesn't have to do treatment anymore. Isn't that amazing? His real cancer went away. Now those coffee enemas are going straight from Brooks' butt into Peter's brawl where they belong. Peter was here too. Peter.

Everyone was here. The whole fun bus. The fun bus brings a lot of people. I'd like to thank Atlanta for buying insurance because without it, I wouldn't be able to keep my five businesses open that Cynthia bought for me. So, thank you. Whoever has Claudia's insurance, please show it to me after so I can make sure I'm included in

the death part. Okay, thanks. I'll make out with your daughters in the lobby. Yeah, it's a big star-studded affair. Even Adrianas, here from Adrianas Insurance. You ever see those ads? Have you seen those ads around town? I'm not talking about Adriana from Miami. All around Los Angeles, there's this lady.

She's like this slutty 47-year-old woman who has something called Adriana's Insurance. She's on every single bus side and every bench. There's Adriana's, and then the main winner of the evening, Accidentes, who's on the back of every bus. Accidentes? Accidentes? They're married.

He's like, oh, gosh, I met the Accidentes guy at Andalais. I said, why don't you come to the Oscars of the insurance industry? We're having a big party. It's the Vanity Fair. Vanity Fair's having a party afterwards. Then he spilled the water he was about to pour into my glass on accident. And I said, isn't that ironic? By the way, I had an error.

I thought it was the Vanity Fair party happening afterwards. No, it's actually Dog Fancy. I'm sorry. We'll get to Dog fancy and marry to medicine. Yeah. All right. So meanwhile, back to the party. Heather pulls Terry aside and she has some bad news for him.

And this is like a real obnoxious moment because this is a conversation that could have been had off camera. But she intentionally decided to have it right here at the party. And she says, so it turns out that the new cabinets are going to cost $135,000. Which is heinous. I don't know what they are made of. Oh, no. You think that's heinous? Oh, but I'm starting.

Well, okay. Sorry. Here's the truth. Okay. They're $135,000 over budget. I'm sorry. Their budget was $500,000, and it's running $635,000. I mean, what is going into these cabinets?

Is this going to be like Raiders of the Lost Ark technology inside? Like if you take something out, like a bowling ball is going to come at you? I mean, this is just like – It's Colette's new house, basically. She's like, we're putting Colette in the cabinets. It is insane. I don't know. I don like, we're putting Colette in the cabinets. It is insane. I don't know. I don't know what cabinets could be worth that much money.

They must be made of the marble. But then the worst part is that Terry's response was, oh, man. I was hoping to save the overages for the movie theater. Oh, well, I guess take it out of the movie theater budget. I mean, this is just like where else will we show uh people your tv show appearances yeah we're how else are we going to show malibu country on imax honey i built this movie theater for you it's the only way you're ever appearing in one i know we're gonna show all your vine have colette have somewhere to go to college

Build the cabinets Method Hollywood days So that was just totally Totally totally insufferable You know because the thing is this If you've earned that money If you're wealthy Then more power to you

Buy that movie theater Get those cabinets But the way they talked about it was so insufferable I mean when the revolution happens They're going to be the ones who are locked up in the bastille totally you know but they're also the ones that the peasants are going to kick down that gate and rip them to shreds too so yeah absolutely no i mean very very insufferable very very insufferable meanwhile yeah she's the worst and she only does that stuff to get attention on tv because she thinks you know and your whole thing at the beginning of the season when you're like, look at Heather trying to be relatable because she's like, look, I'm just like you regular moms, but with a mole house.

Yeah. Yeah. Stop it. Like I bought the Smithsonian. So then we go to a bathroom situation where Tamara has excused herself because she wants to. Oh, by the way, so Tamara was showing off, again, she's showing off her boobs to everyone. We didn't even talk about this with the boob thing, is that she keeps walking up to everyone and, like, presenting her boobs and shaking her boobs. She's like, hi, and shimmying, and no one's paying attention. The

only one who seems to notice is Lizzie, and Lizzie has, like, this sort of, like, hilariously passive aggressive response. She's like, oh, look at Tamara. Someone got a boob job. It looks like someone liked having her big tits. Ha ha ha. But whatever makes her happy. Yeah, whatever makes her happy. You know, people are mean to people that they're jealous of.

And now she's not jealous of me because she got boobs, too. So we can be friends again. Yay. Good for her. It was so passive-aggressive. I loved it. But you can't really blame Tamara for walking around bragging about the boobs because, I mean, look, if you put her next to Heather, okay, budget wise, those boobs cost as much as the mall house. Yeah.

It's like everything she owns. Yeah. Proportionally, yeah. That's like, she's like, well, I guess we'll have to take this out of the movie theater budget boobs. By movie theater budget, I mean like... We're going to have to take this out of the Netflix budget, which is our movie theater budget boobs. And by movie theater budget, I mean like... We're going to have to take this out of the Netflix budget, which is our movie theater budget. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Guess we'll have to take this out of the Mr. Coffee budget. The DVR was turned off for a month.

Oh, Todd Warner. Guess we'll have to take this out of the Billy Bookcase budget from Ikea. So anyway, Tamara then has to go to the bathroom but then shannon and um megan sneak into the bathroom because they decide to go to the bathroom and shannon's funny she's like i'm david i have three spanks to pull up because tamra's like knocking like crazy like i gotta pee i've gotta pee and shannon's getting mad she's like i have three spanks to pull up

who's this Who's this? Who's this? I don't recognize that voice out there. They're trying to sell us something. Don't open. Lock it. It sounds like a whore got into the party and is trying to get in the bathroom. Just keep the door locked.

It sounds like a whore's voice. It sounds like that lady from the cover of the shoebox greetings had too much to drink and is trying to get in here. Keep the door shut. Sounds like a regular old slut is outside. Keep the door shut. Oh, wait. Keep the door shut. Sounds like a regular old slut is outside. Keep the door shut. Oh, wait. Open the door. I want to see if David's buying her a shot. Open the door. Open it. Okay, close it.

Close it. I think there's a zombie apocalypse. It's a slut apocalypse. And then Tamara goes into another bathroom walks out the toilet paper and Shannon pulls it out and everyone's like oh look like Tamara's being nice and Shannon's being nice and

Megan's like I feel like I've really bonded with Shannon and I think that everything's okay between us yeah I feel like I've really bonded with Shannon because like you know my husband's always buying me used things. And her husband's passed around so much that he's kind of a used thing. So we're, like, we're getting along really well.

Well, I love also, by the way, Shannon's version of, like, extending an olive branch is being like, oh, you know what? Why don't we go chandelier shopping together? There's a great chandelier store, like, in Tustin. I have 58 chandeliers. You know, they're like children who aren't disappointed when david doesn't come home at night it's wonderful i was cracking up because we talked about the chandeliers so much so the fact that she talked about that they have 58 chandeliers and she collects them and that she wants to go chandelier shopping just made me die i was like it's ridiculous

and megan's looking at her like a bitch are you kidding i haven't eaten in five weeks i do not want to talk about your chandeliers and she she's like, don't worry, Megan. Just to stay within your budget and your allowance, we can go to an antique store or a used store first, and we'll find an antique chandelier. Yeah, we can find a Tuscan chandelier for you, Megan. You don't need to have new chandeliers.

You know that Sia spent the weekend at our house once, and that's what the inspiration for her song was. Yeah, she was over here. She saw a chandelier, and that's what the inspiration for her song was. Yeah, she was over here. She saw a chandelier, and then David said see ya, and that was the last I heard of David. I still can't listen to the radio. I said, see ya, would you like some of my

special mashed potatoes? And then David ruined them, and they left off together. So I put another lemon in the bowl and hope for the best. Now I go to sleep at 9pm. You know, don't be ashamed of having to buy an antique chandelier. They're just as good as new chandeliers. You know, I'm always telling David,

David, why do you need a new chandelier when you've got the old crusty chandelier that's possibly going to fall on your head and kill you at any moment? He just doesn't get it. He just... David, David, wasn't the best part in movie history

when in the war of the roses they got onto a chandelier David David and then they died oh that ended well that's probably how this is gonna end

and we shouldn't even joke because it's Bravo and a lot of times it literally does end like that but still yeah um

so anyway um uh let's see so the next morning they all get together and megan gives tamra a toilet paper roll as a joke and i'm just a man i just just the look on shannon's face i just imagine her be like david why didn't you get me a toilet paper roll david david you always say that i'm charming so why don't you get me some charming david do you not think i'm charming anymore david i'm having a negative thought. David. David, that toilet paper

roll is a lot like our marriage. When it's wrapped up, it's safe, but, you know, I'm just afraid it's not going to be wrapped, and it's almost going to try and take it out the wrong way, and there's going to be toilet paper all over the floor, and you're going to be wiping smells off of you that I just don't understand. David! David! David knows not to give me toilet paper, because it reminds me

of his stripper mistress Cottonelle David one time David had sex with a bathroom attendant right in front of me I still can't use toilet paper that's why I have three Spanx on David I still can't use Quilted Northern after David went up to Alaska

and slept with a slut David so Megan okay so at the beginning of this we see all the new girls coming because lizzie well she's not new but she didn't do it shit last year so she's still kind of new lizzie katie and uh megan so they've got all these new girls who at the time were going to be in the cast these were like originally cast members at the beginning of the season but apparently lizzie said that she didn't want to start drama with Tamara

because that's stupid and they were trying to make her do it. So she's not a real cast member. At least that's what was posted on our Facebook, y'all. And I believe our Facebook. So that's why Tamara likes her. She's like, look, suddenly Lizzie's nice. Yeah, because she's not forced to be a bitch just for ratings. Unlike you.

Yep, that's right so anyway my point is believe it or not there is one my point is is that this newbie megan is like oh my god there's all these new girls my husband hates me i'm not gonna have a place i'm gonna have to move for the ninth time next month so i need a job so she going to do whatever she can to get her housewives drama, and it's attacking Shannon? Oh my god. I know. Well, so then the women go off to another vineyard. I forget what the vineyard was, but I wish I could remember, because

they took a tour in this weird vineyard, and they were tasting directly from the barrel, you know? And usually that involves this sort of pseudo baster contraption, this glass baster thing. Like anyone who's been to a wine tasting tour perhaps has encountered this. How could you not even talk about that winery, man? That winery was mannequins in slut clothes hung upside down.

It was like some sex club. It was like some sex club winery was mannequins in slut clothes hung upside down. It was like some sex club. It was like some sex club winery with this French guy in a shiny suit in the front going, Oh, ooh la la, welcome to my winery. Le poisson, le poisson. And Heather's like, oh my God, his French accent is so manufac. Like that is a fake French person, okay? Welcome to the whole house! So this is basically

there's no accident that these women wound up there because this was basically the Orange County version of a winery. I've actually been to some of the vineyards down in Temecula which is, I don't know if Temecula is technically in Orange County, but it's where people in Orange County go to go wine tasting

and the vineyards were so tacky. There was one that had like gargoyles. It was like designed to look like a castle. It had gargoyles and goblins and it was just like crystal balls and weird pedestals. So I was like so of course they wound up at this one.

The one tacky vineyard in Napa. It was across between one of those stores on Hollywood Boulevard, like a Frederick's for Hollywood type place with like just slut, like cheap, poor person slut. Not even like rich person, like poor slut mannequins hanging upside down. And, you know, Heather walked in there and she was like, Terry, isn't it perfect? We're brewing Colette in probably a place that'll look like her first job yeah this is amazing well no this was a different this is a different vineyard though this was not the one where colette was being was being fermented but um oh okay this is a different place the regular french one they were just no they were just on a tour they just went to a different vineyard for

fun oh okay okay so then well while they're at this tacky ass vineyard so the guy is um he's he's doling out he's letting everyone taste from the barrel so he uses this baser thing to like collect the wine from the barrel and he pours it into people's glasses and tamra's like i want to taste directly from the i want to taste directly from the baser i want to taste directly from it so she goes so i thought okay well this is really stupid but sure okay and i figured that they were just going to like spritz it into her mouth but no she goes and she puts her lips full on into this baster and then he goes and he puts the baster back in the barrel and gives her more and then he also gives it to like megan and i'm like and they kept they were making jokes like uh-oh that barrel is

contaminated i'm like you're joking but it's for real like i know alcohol kills things but there ain't nothing that from tamra that alcohol can kill like like just burn that barrel throw it into the sea no shit uh heather's like terry look colette's already giving people herpes it's like 10 years earlier than we expected it's amazing well they're the ones talking about how awful colette is the way they make her sound she's like some vindictive mean little slut and she's like four and they're like oh she's satan yeah oh by the way she's she's the daughter you know is going to grow up to be an alcoholic stripper and that's it so we named alcohol after her and have it fermented in a strip club by the way um it's raymond wine raymond wine you better oh by the way you better be careful about what you say about it's Raymond Wine. Raymond Wine. Oh, le poisson!

By the way, you better be careful about what you say about Colette because Shannon is demanding an apology. I'm not Shannon. Heather is demanding an apology from Star Magazine because Star Magazine said that Heather took one of her daughters to go get her legs waxed. So Heather's going to come after us, I'll tell you. Be careful.

Why is she coming after them in orange county that's called good parenting i know that's called a bat mitzvah it hurts a lot less than veet in the long run trust me i've had lebanese newborns around me my whole life yeah you can't just you can't just put acid on their backs and wait for the hair to come off okay it'll burn their skin get them waxed yeah they heal so then later on that night um there's a party for heather and uh they're there and everything's going it's fine it's a cocktail party and megan now that she's spent some time with shannon and it seems like they buried the hatchet about the whole issue with the shots with david from last year and everything's they seem like they're bonded they peed together megan decides that she wants to clear the air about the charity phone call at

the top of the episode so she sits down shannon and she's like so we talked about the shots from last year and we've cleared the air about oh my god my god, that does sound like her. Okay, so that was okay. We agree that that was in the past. And Shannon's like, yes, damn it. So then she's like, okay. So the next thing I wanted to talk about was

the other day, last week when I called you about a charity that you had hosted last week and I'm hosting last year and I'm hosting last year, and I'm hosting this year, and you were short with me, and I felt offended. And then it just cuts to commercials, so you know, like, oh, shit. Watch the slow breakdown of Shannon before. Because you just see Shannon. Shannon had that look. Like, if you want to know what the look is, go to our Facebook page and look at, I think, probably the second sombrero photo of Shannon on our timeline photo.

I think that's – Shannon has three looks, and I think it's sombrero number two was the look that she had, right? So, but it is definitely sombrero number two. Sombrero number two. I think that's how we have to just describe Shannon from now on, is on the sombrero scale. Like, is it sombrero – yeah is that yeah i'm looking at it sombrero number two for sure for sure for sure shannon's like well i mean i don't even know who you were i thought you were someone called i don't know anyone in missouri i mean it was a missouri number and someone's calling me in the car and they're asking me these questions like they're trying to sell me something i had children children were in my car they were you's calling me in the car and they're asking me these questions. They're trying to sell me something. I had children. Children were

in my car. You're calling me when I've got children in my car. And Megan's like, okay. Megan's like, I know, but like, you know, it's a charity. I thought, like, I was calling asking for help. I was asking for help for charity. For charity. And then she's like, I don't know.

I don't know what this is. What are you talking about? It was my private number. And Megan's like, I don't know. I don't know what this is. What are you talking about? It was my private number. And Megan's like, well, congratulations. You know? I like how Shanna started that argument off because this girl's like, I'm offended. I'm offended because, you know, you just dismissed me. And she's like, oh, well, I was offended too.

She goes, why? She's like, because, you know, I have this girl calling me. You're offended that somebody called you and somebody has been giving away my private number. Yeah. Someone's been giving it. I mean, I actually can understand that. That's what I would be annoyed at if I were Shannon because, you know, the fact that no one cleared it with me first. Like, I get that. And it was Megan'sgan's stupid like that's not how you start it you don't start

by saying i was offended you start by saying you called and i was looking for help and you were a little short with me and um i want to make sure everything was cool because you were short with me like that's how you do it not like i was offended and uh so i love it so then know, but so Megan keeps saying, but yeah, like, but I was asking for your help. And I thought, wouldn't you want to help the charity that you hosted? Da-da-da-da-da-da. So then Shannon's just like, you know what? I'm done here. I'm done here.

And she gets up. Really, Shannon? Really? Really? And then she turns. And then she turns. Shannon turns. And she says something

that makes no sense she goes I start charities Megan and then she storms off I don't like you making it out to be that I'm some uncharitable person

okay I start charities yeah right now I own a penis factory that's apparently spreading penises all over Orange County

thank you David so we're getting a tax break for that at least don't mess with me kid we are going to put a chandelier in every impoverished child's home Spreading penises all over Orange County. Thank you, David. So we're getting a tax break for that at least. Don't mess with me, kid. We are going to put a chandelier in every impoverished child's home. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of.

But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy

early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that

we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real

on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Is there a charity for that? Because I'm not catering that one, too. I can't do any more. I start charities. No sake shot left behind.

David will take care of all of them, David. David. Have you ever heard of Idol Cares? Because I really, really gave a lot of money to that show. I was a huge Fantasia fan. All right? No one's going to call me uncharitable. Every year, I give to Comic Relief.

Every year. me uncharitable uh every year i give to comic relief every year um so uh i think that was pretty much the way it ended with shannon hold on i've still got pages of notes here let me see shannon and david you're going the wrong way david even thought we got uh david david a lot of david david david david it's just sometimes i have these bad thoughts. I don't want to have them, David, but I do. I'm sick of what... I just want to be honest. You know, I used to be afraid of David, and, you know, or not say anything because he doesn't like to talk about things.

But then at that home down, he pulled out $800 sunglasses. He was ordering tequila. He doesn't drink. And I thought, who is this? I'm not hiding my feelings around this, David. David. David.

I'm sick of walking on eggshells. Then stop throwing eggs, okay? Because that's why there's eggshells everywhere, Shannon. That girl needs to calm the hell down. I'm looking, Megan, Katie uncomfortable at the vineyard. She's like, this is not how Jesus drank wine. I guess we've talked about all of this. Heather tapping, Shannon loves chandeliers.

That's it. She's a time bomb. Oh, Megan's amazing grasp on English takes over again for the end. She's a time bomb, and I can't predict her. I'm predicting a time bomb. She's like, she's got a turban on. All right, I'm trying to figure out the future, and all I see are vintage Tuscan items.

Nope, can't see the time bomb, can't predict it. You know you're a dumb bitch if you can't predict the time bomb. They have timers on them. Jesus. She's like, I put something in the microwave, but I don't know when it's going to be ready. There's a timer on it. She's a landmine with a timer on it.

Next week, we get to see Brooks making Peter's brew in Mexico when he learns to give himself four coffee enemas a day. Go flush the cancer right on out. And then it's war. I brew in Mexico when he learns to give himself four coffee enemas a day. Go flush the cancer right on out. And then it's war. I start charities.

David. David. And then Megan really pulls out the bitch and just starts being a bitch to everybody. I mean, episode four. You know. David. She's let it bloom. Yeah. No, it's great. David, I start a charity. SPCA. Shannon's Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. David. She's let it bloom. Yeah, no, it's great. David, I saw her charity. SPCA, Shannon's Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. David.

I've started a charity. You know when people wear those pink ribbons around? Well, that is called the Stop Fucking My Husband Charity. And everybody who gives money, everybody who wears a ribbon has promised to not sleep with my husband. So thank you, people with pink ribbons. I started a charity called Autism Cares. And that stands for Autism Cares More Than David Does. David?

David. David. Autism Cares About Me. What about you? Why can't you care about me, David? Speaking of horrible illnesses that David cares about more than Shannon. Let's move on to the horrible illness that is season three of Married to Medicine. Oh, yeah.

Season three, Married to Medicine. All right. Well, I will say this. Next week looks like it'll be good at the very least. What'd they say for next week? What's happening then? Lisa Nicole and Quad get into a fight and Lisa Nicole says, What about your lesbian relationship?

And throws water in Quad's face. Oh yeah, and then Quad's like, your career's over! It's done like toast! Your career's ready to be a buttered piece of toast! Yeah, poor Lisa... Don't eat it or you'll die of a heart attack. Poor, uh...

Poor Lisa Nicole's career. She'll have no one to tell to turn the hangers around. Yeah, no kidding. She's like, you think Ross Dress for Less is gonna sell from someone who calls someone else a lesbian? They will. Ross Dress for Less will take a

bargain no matter where it comes from. Yeah. Anyway, so the top of this let's see it opens like it's scandal okay this show it's it uses that stupid like i'm sorry to call it stupid i'm calling it stupid because scandal makes me crazy with this they take old r&b songs from like the 50s like old motown songs yeah and they use it for everything because the lead is black. Just so we all get it, this was done, you know, the lead is black so all the music is from Motown.

It's like, really? Come on. You need to beat me over the head. I get it. I see that she's black. Can we move on? Stupid. Anyway, that's how this show opens. It's like some Motown song and it's really intense too and they're showing them doing their, like, we're getting ready in the morning. They're doing nothing. no one is doing anything yeah what i should did what i should did was uh

brush my teeth first in the morning that's what it's like no scandal yeah toyah yeah i went over budget on my on my toothpaste would you go be mad scandal stop trying to be scandal okay i don't actually watch scandals so i don't have any context on it but i just watch one episode it's seriously every scene every time something intense happens it's like oh no she's going up the to the president's white house oval office to tell him off for cheating on her and then yeah because that's what that shows about so she marches up to the presidential office and you think like in your head the music's like dun dun dun dun dun dun dun but instead it's like i heard it through the grapevine what is happening it's like ironic use of music yeah it's like someone's about to be tortured and killed and the music's like, Baby, baby, where did our love go?

David. I had to take a swig of my iced coffee for that. I'm talking so much that it's making your throat dry. David, David. Since when did you drink coffee, David? Okay, so, all right. So here's the thing. I don't remember the order of things that happen in Marriage Medicine I just sort of remember

the general things I feel like also in the beginning we saw Lauren and Heavenly hanging out and Lauren was drawing yeah that was the first one is Laura and Heavenly and Heavenly's like Laura just left me are you gonna sing

are you gonna sing for me Laura you gotta be a public speaker first. Yeah, she's like, Laura, what do you want to be, a fire truck driver? And Laura's like, no, a singer. She's like, you know what you've got to know? You're going to have to be a public speaker, baby. She's like, Mom, no, Mom. Laura's like, no, now we're talking about you.

It's called narcissism. You're taking a selfie right now. She's like, no. Being a singer is speaking in public, baby. What about when you win an insurance or Oscar? Come on, baby. Baby, aren't you proud that I got the cover of Her's magazine? It's like a picture this this poor magazine like all the covers are basically pictures that were taken with an

iphone and they're oddly cropped it was like it's like the most homemade magazine of all oh yeah because heavenly was the first person on the cover of hers magazine yeah congratulations on launching a magazine in the air in the digital era i'll look for that on next that's exactly what i was gonna say look for hers on next issue and you won't find it like the last page of next issue it reminds me of like the little magazines and newspapers i'd print out when i was in sixth grade because i would like i had claris works and i had like a little graphic design thing so I would like make little articles about like big news. Mom had just bought a sewing machine. You know,

like I have all these headlines from around the house that I'd like take clip art and like print it out and have like a little newspaper. That's what hers magazine is. Our mothers are so different. My newspaper would have been, my mom got a new sewing machine. Her name is Romana and she has her own room right next to the washing machine. Wait a second.

Are there, like, wait. I just did a search for Hers magazine. And, oh, wait. I'm sorry. There's muscle and fitness Hers. That's what's coming up. Not actual Hers magazine. Do they even have a website?

Please tell me they have a website. They have to. I mean, at the time of filming filming, they had four covers, right? Here it is. Hers Magazine. It belongs to you. All right. Here it's on it.

The website's good. Actually, I'll give it credit. The website is very good. They should just stick with the website because the website looks great. At least it's better than Geneva Pop whatever. Yeah, Geneva Pop. Will and Jada, the end. By the way, why was there no Blood, Sweat, and Heels reunion, BTW?

I think they're all in lawsuits. I don't think they're allowed to talk. Andy would have been like, okay, we're going to talk about Rocky the hairless gerbil or whatever. Because everyone else is suing each other. So, Hers Magazine. hairless gerbil or whatever because everyone else is suing each other so hers magazine well like rocky whose boobs are better lisa renna's or kyle richard spin the wheel rocky by the way uh hers magazine website looks really great to be honest totally great but if you click on the shop tab i guess if you want to buy the magazine it's an empty page her fitness uh i now pronounce you mr and mrs zoe saldana i don't see any married to medicine people on here no well what's hilarious

about um hers magazine is that all their covers at least the ones i can see they don't know how to crop them so it says hers up top and then there's about like three inches of space over the cover person on all wordpress is hard you guys i do like this logo that they have down below it could be a bravo logo fund her projects fund bravo that's basically what bravo's for it's like giving giving women who have never done anything in their lives a chance to sell wine someplace. Yeah. Alright, so anyway, so Heaven Leaves.

I'm the first person on this magazine. I was on... This is the second magazine in total if you include highlights. I just pasted my picture on that one and put it in the lobby. I gave

an exclusive to 321 Contact Magazine. Heavenly is the first person on the cover of hers magazine, and Lisa Nicole is the fourth. Heavenly is really hilarious this season when she's talking about the other women.

Because last season she was trying to be so nice. And this season she's like, who this bitch? Yeah. Like, sorry, Lisa Nicole. You were number four. You were number four. Damn. Hers magazine.

So funny. So she's going to go to hers magazine. And Alana's like, this has nothing to do with me being a singer. I'm going to take a bath. And she's like, that kid will never learn. I'm still looking at Real Housewives of Orange County notes on my computer and wondering why I keep getting pulled back into like Orange County. We're not talking about that now. Let me remove that, David.

David, David. So after Allura, let's see what we have here. I just put no Latin show. So I didn't write notes. So I'm probably going to be bouncing back and forth. Unless, do you have notes on this? Well, here, I'll just give you a rundown. Okay, I'll steer. But you know I'll start talking about a a pot a potted plant for an hour but um that's okay that's we all have two shares um a little scene of quad i don't know if she met

the pi at this point i think i was high because these notes don't make sense but anyway at some point quad was saying now listen here. I did not call Matlock the private investigator just to get revenge. I believe that when you are given a glass of water, the nicest thing to do is fill up a glass of water and give it right back. Like, you make no sense. Nothing Quad says makes any kind of sense and then she gets this uh she drives up in her rental and her private eye drives up in his rental and then they roll down their windows with their hats she's like the bird lands on the mountain at noon he's like that bird pooped off the balcony

and she's like what oh give it to me i love some juicy news she's like at applebee's when you're here your family this this news is like an awesome blossom you keep ripping it off and every piece tastes like an onion by the way i think i did the olive garden slogan with applebee's so i apologize to all you fast casual fans out there. We're apologizing right now to Christians and fans of Applebee's. I want to apologize to Katie from Real Housewives of Orange County for mixing up two

of her favorite restaurants. I found Jesus in the Monte Cristo. So she gets the news about Lisa Nicole. But, of course, we're not going to know until some other week when they have the whole episode to yell. Yeah. But she tells us, not the empowered woman. This isn't just scandal.

This is filthy. And it's like sitting on the dock of the bay well i just love that they like met like with two cars in a parking lot as if they were like on the run from the government like you know you guys can just like speak to each other on the phone like you know you realize your phones are not tapped by lisa nicole you or you could probably just send this up in an email scan it in or something you don't have to meet in an arby's parking lot. Unless, of course, you want the horsey sauce. Not to mention. Yeah, and their cameras there.

Just like a camera crew. Yeah. Yeah, but they... What was I going to say? Oh, damn it. I had a mystery joke and it's gone now. Sorry, Jessica Fletcher. You're still in my heart.

Anyway, Jackie and Simone is the next scene when Simone comes over. And I love every Jackie and Simone scene because they're always talking about some fake doctor bullshit to open their scene to remind us that they're better than everybody else because they're doctors. And she's like, hey, girl, what you doing? And Jackie's like, well, actually, I just got back from a very difficult day of an appendectomitis with a transfusion and a transfusion on the heart and the foot. And Simone's like, really? A transfusion? And she's like, no, with a transfusion and a transfusion on the heart and the foot. And Simone's like, Really? A transfusion? And she's like, No, it's transfusion.

I'm like, Come on, stop pretending and just talk about Toya, because that's why you're here. Oh, and by the way, I just found I did write notes. I found some notes. You did? Oh my god, we're both getting high during this show. Yeah, and we forgot to mention that Toya wants to help out with Nomad because, you know, it's not making any money.

And so she wants to help out with Jean. Oh, yeah, that's later. The new friend, Jill. Oh, yeah, Jill. Okay, so I guess... Yeah, so she gets a new friend, Jill. But while we're still in this Jackie and Simone scene, you know, Simone starts screaming again

because all Simone is going to do now is yell whenever she gets like... Oh, like, even talking about Toya. She's like, we were at Topgolf. We were supposed to be concentrating on golfing and she made me do this to myself. I ordered french fries. I cannot order french fries in front of that woman in front of a golf club. I cannot do that. Cecil, get me out of here. And then she's losing her mind.

And Jackie, who has no friends or interpersonal skills, which, you know, no offense. I'm just saying from what I see on the show, is like, let me tell you how to deal with it. You go up to her and you say, Toria, I know that your personality is terrible, but it's because you're fat. Now, let's regulate those calories, girl. And then she'll hug you, and then you'll have saved a life, and everything will be okay. That is not good advice.

Jackie was more like, oh, maybe the reason why you got mad is because your dad's an alcoholic, and Toria reminded you of that. Yes. Someone's like, my father is an alcoholic it's like everything has to be i think she was like and done in church voice she was like so basically

you've had your walls up and you wanted to become friends with toyah and she didn't she didn't give you the friendship that you wanted so you got mad and then simone just starts crying but i think at that point she's crying because she realized oh fuck i wanted to be friends with toya that bitch oh god i am sad for myself what i should have did was been friends with jackie instead it's like i was that desperate well i'm my father but yeah i became her dad's an alcoholic and it was i mean i guess kind of sad but i don't know anything that is used in a reality show to make people nice to you again on Twitter after you've yelled at somebody stupid, like I can't. Yeah. Sorry.

I'm sorry your dad was an alcoholic. You're still an asshole, even though Tori deserved it. Right. Doesn't excuse it. But yeah, she's crying. I have trouble seeing what one thing has to do with another, you know? Because then it cuts to Simone and she's like. My father was an alcoholic. And I try.

And then Toya. Who's not an alcoholic. Or has any. Or ever worked a day. It's like. What does one thing have to do with another? Okay. Nothing.

By the way. I want to point out. That I actually. Both buy really cheap booze for parties. That's it. So guess what. I did not actually take notes. I thought I took notes. But these are my notes from last week.

And it just goes to show. How little. Anything happens. That the notes from last week. Look exactly like. What would be the notes but these are my notes from last week and it just goes to show how little anything happens that the notes from last week look exactly like what would be the notes these are my notes these are my notes let me tell you simone yelling and yeah giving calorie advice you know this is this is literally what i've written down toya wants to help with nomad alora is cute quad meeting private investigator fedora on fedora action dr jackie fat shaming that was pretty much it okay so anyway so i'm not gonna i'm gonna put those notes away i'm gonna let you steer again um not that i was no jackie was just gave her nice advice and said you need to stop carrying this weight and i was like no stop making everything about your fucking diet plan all right

and fit is it does she has she heard of a fit bit because that's very easily confused if you say it really fast yeah fit is it it's like fit bit with the stutter um doesn't take responsibility you're carrying the weight like eugene yeah you're carrying so much weight you're carrying more weight than eugene carries when he goes to the beach and carries along his birthday suit. When Eugene came to the beach, he wears a lot of weight. It's genetics, baby. No, no, because all your family's thin. All your family's thin.

Your dad, your mom, your sister, your dog. Your dog's skinny. It's like baldness can skip a generation, just like fat. She's like, you don't skip, Eugene. Eugene, you don't even know how to skip. I told you to skip a rock, and you were like, oh, there's no lake here. And I was like, you can skip a rock on the ground. And she's like, no.

Eugene, I saw Kazaa do it once. Kazaa. What I should have did was take an ambulance. What I should have did. Am an ambulance What I should have did Ambulance So Toria goes to talk to her friend Jill Who seems like an asshole Right off the bat

Can't wait Cause the show needs something It's about time that we had another Annoying white bitch on the show Although I still think Carrie is the best Duncan I'm dressed like an Indian To your black person party white bitch on the show. Although I still think Carrie's the best. Duncan. Duncan.

I'm dressed like an Indian to your black person party. Duncan, I have personally struggled with ambulances for the past 20 years of my life. Duncan doesn't think ambulances are classy, so we're not going to talk about your new business. I think that nomads are all freaking whores nomads um so we meet jill and toria is getting advice about joining eugene's

ambulance business and she's like look i want to do it because like it's an ambulance i could do like four hours a day i want to drive to people's house and then go oh my god how many square feet is your house and then they tell me and i say mine's five thousand i make them feel bad here's what i want to do okay we're gonna save money by getting rid of the siren and i'll just get on the loudspeaker jeans coming jeans coming i wrote the diagnosis for you. You angry. Bye. That'll be $9,000 from the

ambulance. Here's what it is. I'm gonna show them, like, what you should've did is not fall down the stairs and broken your leg. Okay, bye. Okay, and then we get some where we get that Jill's an asshole, and I'm loving the kind of asshole she is. She's like, why do you want to work? Ew, gross. She's like, you're not gonna be able to handle four hours a day asshole she is she's like why do you want to work oh gross

she's like you're not going to be able to handle four hours a day and tori is like well maybe three she's like i don't think so listen my husband's a plastic surgeon and i have to go into the plastic surgeon's office and like boss everybody around you do not want to be the bitch wife and it made me start laughing because we talk about that every Thursday on Secrets and Wives because there is a doctor's bitch wife. Yeah. Well, but Jill said – well, it's funny because Jill said something that Gail also said and other people say, which is like, well, it's hard. I always have to look my best because I'm sort of like a walking billboard for my husband. I'm like, that's so fucked up.

Like since when do you have to be a walking billboard for your husband's work? You don't have to be a walking billboard at all. You just be you and the fact that you feel like you have to get plastic surgery to be with your husband is really messed up yeah she's like i i mean you can see me all over the town i'm on those billboards uh toy story jurassic park it's like you're you're no kind of billboard mr potato head is back it's like a billboard over the whole foods. Get out of here. I had a dual role in Freddy vs. Jason.

She's like a shallow bitch. But I sort of like that she's like, I don't know, something different. She's a white bitch. You know, white bitches bring a whole different sort of style of bitchinessiness you know so sometimes it's nice to mix it up a little bit um well i'm just you know i'm waiting for the realization of these women that they can actually like that they're capable of having a job you know i wonder if they think they're too stupid to work it's like just go out in the world most people are stupid you know it'll be okay you can work you can do this you don't have to suck an only ugly ass dick to make your money girl have some self-respect women come on feminism let's get back into it not until this show's

over though please yes we need something to talk about yeah yeah so then hey ben let's talk about all the empowered women doing positive things in the world. Click. The end. Like Lisa Nicole telling people, I want all the hangers to face the same direction. I'm an empowered woman. So yeah, so Lisa Nicole, well, now I have Toya wants to be a mom of their dreams.

I don't even know why I wrote that down. It doesn't need to be written down, except the mom of your dreams basically gives them a whole masturbation palace and just lets them do whatever they want. She thinks she is the best mom out there. She's like, well, I think she wanted an award. Oh, that's what it was. She's like, I'm not on the cover of his magazine.

Like, I should be. I'm like Mother of the Year. I should have an award. Oh, yeah. Where's Parent Magazine? I should be on the cover of Parents Magazine. I should be on the cover of everything on Nextissue.com. The cover of Parents Magazine. I should be on the cover of everything on nextissue.com. The cover of Parents

Magazine. What I shoulda did. What I shoulda did magazine. Hmm. Blah blah blah. Sin and hubbies. Lies about something. Apologizing about rage. Last pop off before I leave you. Oh, cause this

is when Simone's talking to her husband and she's like i just wanted to talk about it and he's like you think yeah she's like well sometimes i pop off and he's like yeah that's the last time you pop off before i leave you and then they're laughing and laughing he's gonna leave you yeah i'm like yeah laugh all you want right now we'll be showing that laughter in a future episode yeah that's that's a marriage that's going down the drain um um shopping for clothes oh lisa nicole shopping for her own clothes it's amazing when you can shop for clothes for the red carpet in your own store thisar's facing the wrong way.

I love that, by the way, they were talking about Lisa Nicole. They're like, wow, whatever happened, like, last year, Lisa Nicole was so demure and so quiet. And now she's, like, coming at everyone. And, like, yeah, that's what's called being threatened to be fired from a TV show. It's not like it came out of her naturally. Pretty much. And she's there looking for clothes came out of her naturally. Pretty much. And she's there looking for clothes, talking to her assistant. She's like, this is my assistant, Jessica.

She was pulled over for speeding once and given a drunk driving test, but passed. She's also late on her JCPenney bill. Okay, I think I'll wear the red. She's got a background check on everybody that she meets. Reason I got implants. Hers magazine. I don't even know what I'm writing. Walking billboard.

Toya. I should have been on Parents magazine. Toya talks. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Did anything else happen in here? Because my notes are even boring. Yeah, because, well, because then they went to the Hers magazine party. So they're there and Simone comes by and she even

says hi to Toya and she's like, Hi Toya, hi Jill. And then she walks away. And then... And Toya was all confused. She's like, I'm confused today. I thought she was going to yell at me. But she didn't. So I'm going to just sit here then.

Wait for Eugene. So then the women start talking about like, But she did it. So I'm going to just sit here then. Yeah. Wait for Eugene. Eugene. So then the women start talking about, like, I guess some of the guys are going to a strip club afterwards or whatever. And some were saying, like, they don't mind going to a strip club with their husband. And then Lisa Nicole's like. Oh, Jill and Toya are going to go to the strip club. Yeah. And then Lisa Nicole's like, I wouldn't want to go to a strip club with my husband.

I wouldn't want to see my husband watching other women. And then Tori's like, I wouldn't want to see your husband love other women too. I wouldn't want my husband to look at other women either if he was your husband who looked at other women. Also, Eugene's really genetically fat, and so it takes a lot to get his penis out of the pouch. So I don't really worry

that much because he doesn't have enough money to pay him anyway. I spent it on the Halloween party. Would you like some sausage in a take-home bag? Because I can tip you that. I don't understand. When they say they're going to motorboat Eugene's boobs, I don't understand because it's not a harbor, it's a strip club.

I want the boat now. Eugene, I don't understand because it's not a harbor, it's a strip club. So, um... I want the boat now. Eugene, I'm getting a boat! We can drive it around the neighborhood and see if people need help. It'll be a water ambulance. Where are the wheels on this boat? Eugene!

Eugene! Hey, Eugene, put the sail up. We're going to go on the highway. How did no one drive all those animals around when the earth was flooding? I can only fit three animals in my boat. I'll put them in the back seat of my boat.

It's my Range Rover boat. We know things are going bad with these two because Toria is already saying, I mean, look at her dress. Lisa, the cold. That looks like a dress for the diabetes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh, things are definitely going bad. But what was funny to me was that Heavenly's husband was saying about the strip club.

He said, well, you know, what's good about the strip club is that it gets us riled up and then we come home to have sex with you guys. And yeah, which is like, yeah, right. And even I think Simone was, Simone was the only one who sort of called bullshit. It was like, no, when Cecil comes back from the strip club, he's not getting riled up for some other woman. They want to come have sex with me? Uh-uh. But what I loved is afterwards, the guys were all talking. And they were like, and so Heavenly's husband's like, well, this is what I guys were all talking and they were like and so

hevelin's husband's like well this is what i said and they're all laughing like yeah exactly right i mean he's like because you know i mean where do you go after like i mean that's what you do you go to the strip club and then you go home right that's what you do and they're like and then simone cecil was like yeah and then hevelin's husband was like, Not even faking it for the TV. Yeah. He's like, no, I go bonus trippers, right? And then meanwhile, back with the women, Toria's like, you know, stripping is not gross, okay?

It's art. There's like acrobats. They do things. It's like artistic. It's like Cirque du Soleil, but like with vaginas. And then you get the money. Did you know that the very first go-go dancer was Vincent van Gogh? That's why they're called go-go dancers.

Yeah, people kept standing behind Vincent van Gogh. He used to paint without his shirt on. And they would go, go, Vincent. Go, Vincent. And that's why they call it go-go. Because it's art, you know? That's also why they paint their faces too much. Nobody will appreciate them until they're dead.

Like, true artists. That's why there's a strip club called Mona Lisa's because it's like, because it's art like Mona Lisa, you know? Spiderman and Rhino? I appreciate art so I don't tip the strippers until after they're dead. That's when they're really worth something.

Yeah, I like to go to the Louvre, and I like to throw money at the paintings and go, yeah, take it off, take it off. Venus de Milo, big stripper. Okay, we're still on stripping for the rest of this episode until... What happens here? How does this end? I mean, this show's really killing me in a not good way. I normally like this show. What the hell? It's just a little... I mean, I thought the episode was okay, but it's a little... Nothing really real.

I mean, the big drama is that Simone is still annoyed at Toya over their bullshit fight from last season. It's not strong stuff. Quad is getting background checks on Lisa Nicole. This is not the stuff that's like, these are like producer-created or producer-inspired fights. You know, it doesn't, there's nothing real going on. We don't care. But that being said, I'm really looking forward to the fight next week. Me too, yeah.

The best part was next week's in-each in each other's face about to beat each other up. I'm talking about that lesbian relationship, bitch. Yeah. I'm excited for that. Well, the eagle has landed on a perch and nest in. All right. Words to live by, Quad. Thank you.

Yes, thanks, Quad. Thank you for joining us. Thanks, Quad. That's it, Ben. Wrap it up, darling ben wrap it up darling wrap it up like a condom darling darling all right um like a condom at a strip club darling none of these husbands would ever use yes um so thank you everyone for listening um come support us on patreon.com forward slash watch where crap ends you get access to things like a bonus episode

which will be up later this week. We're delaying it a few days so that way we can cover the premiere episode of Big Brother in it. So that should be up on Thursday this week. And Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash Watch Where Crap Ends. Tons of gossip and fun things on that. Thank you all for listening. WatchWhereCrapEnds.com is where you can go to find our social media links if you want to follow us on instagram twitter vine periscope etc um and that's also

you know what thank you so much for the people who have been going to leave itunes reviews those really really help and when there's like a bunch at one time i think we get featured on a paid i don't know what happens but if you haven't left one and you like it go leave one if you've just listened to this and you hate our guts turn it off for christ's sake why are you still listening yeah but if you do like us go leave something nice and thank you to everybody who does it feels like a warm hug yeah and thanks again to everyone who helped us get uh so uh high in the itunes rankings this week we hope to get higher and higher and higher and take over the world. And once again, this episode is brought to you in part by Claudia Catalina. Claudia Catalina, we love you, baby. So thanks, everyone, and we will talk to you later this week.

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