Watch What Crappens - #202: I'm Your Not-So-Private Dancer

Episode Date: July 14, 2015

This week "Watch What Crappens" takes on the latest downer episode of "Real Housewives of Orange County," which focused on death, cancer, and a baby. Oh, and a restaurant embargo for David (David? David?) Then it's on to "Married to Medicine" where things get considerably more raucous after a stripper tells Lisa Nicole that her husband is a regular at the club. Oops. Along the way, there's also gossip about NeNe Leakes, Kim Zoliciak, and Bethenny Frankel. It's fun. We promise! Come listen!! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Long live Dwayne Johnson, American treasure. At least that's what it says on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Something you may have read about if you subscribe to nextissue.com.

Get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins and get access to tons of magazines. You get all the stories, the news, and the photos from the most relied upon sources. I mean, sports, entertainment, fashion, news. You get sports illustrated backpacker, ski and surfer. I mean, I know you guys care about the ski and surfing. And if not, there's Allure, there's Vogue, there's Elle, there's Cosmo. Time Magazine, Elizabeth Warren's on the cover. I know some of you guys love her.

Some of you guys hate her. Either way, I'm sure you want to hear what she has to say or not. Maybe you just want to hate read. Either way, she's there. There's O Magazine. I mean, that's Oprah. You can't deny Oprah. I mean, if you don't sign up for nextissue.com, you are personally going after Oprah. That's my view on it, and I think we all know who wins that battle. Either way, Next Issue delivers all the content, everything that's in print editions on the same day they hit the newsstands, lots of interactive features and videos and photos. Access the most popular and trusted magazines anywhere on your tablet or phone.

One subscription gets you so many magazines for as little as $10 per month. You can use it up to five devices. It's easy to share with others. Guys, get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins and read up, way up on all your interests. nextissue.com slash crappins and read up way up on all your interests nextissue.com slash crappins Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender. Joining me, as always, is the wonderful and hilarious and getting skinny Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hello. Hi, everybody. from TrashTalkTV.com Hello!

Hi everybody! This is a marathon crappins day. I'm so excited. Yeah, this is a big day. If you are listening to this podcast and it's Tuesday, July 14th, aka Bastille Day, then guess what?

You have a lot on your calendar for today for crappins because we just did an AMA on Reddit, which means Ask Me Anything, where we answered a bunch of questions on there. You can go to Reddit, check it out. The link, I think, is up on our Facebook page, which is a good way of saying that if you go to our Facebook page,

facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins, you get all sorts of great, funny content, most of it provided by you, the listeners. And it's really fun. So go check out our AMA there. Also, if you support us at Patreon, you get access to things like a bonus episode. We just recorded a really fun one

where we talked about Andy Cohen calling that actress, Amandla, a jackal, even though she's just 16. And then we also talked about Kim Richards getting out of rehab. And we talked about, but there's something else in the middle. Oh, Michelle Collins being on The View. It's a really good bonus episode. So go support us on Patreon.

You get access to that. Also, if you support us on Patreon, if you donate at the $2 level, you get access to a Google Hangout. And we are doing the Google Hangout tonight. It's Tuesday. I think it's at 6 p.m. Pacific Coast time, 9 p.m. Eastern.

And we, Ryan and I, will be watching Real Housewives of New York City on the Hangout and we encourage everyone to watch with us and we will talk and make catty jokes, etc, etc. Super fun. First 10 people get to join on the Hangout. Everyone else can watch

from YouTube. And then we are recording our second episode directly afterwards. After the Hangout is over, we're doing our second episode because Ronnie's going to Texas. Texas! Texas tomorrow. We are going to be podcasting

together and to sweeten it, we are going to do it live on Periscope. So if you don't have the Periscope app, download it so you can watch us. Wow. That was a lot, Dane. It was a lot and we haven't even talked about our premium sponsors. Because on Patreon, we also have premium sponsorships available.

And we are very lucky and very thankful that we have two premium sponsors for us for our podcast so we have to say thank you and that this podcast is brought to you in part by claudia catalina and chrissy daugherty uh thank you thank you very much yeah thank you guys it's without without you we would be hopeless without you we'd be waiters thank you guys anything else i have to talk about i mean whatever, whatever. What the hell? I don't think so. You've probably already done that next issue where I add. Yeah. So anyway, let's start out. We're going to talk about Real Housewives of Orange County

and Marriage and Medicine, but there's also some gossip that we didn't cover on the bonus show that we can just cover now. First and foremost, or at least just first, is that NeNe Leakes and Kim Zolciak were supposed to have a spin-off show together. It was going to be called NeNe and Kim, The Road to Riches. I'm sad to report it is no more.

It's been postponed or canceled as of right now. It's not happening. no more. It's been postponed or cancelled as of right now. It's not happening because quote-unquote they're both in the middle of other projects. Because Nene's filming a game show, which probably took an afternoon to shoot the entire six episodes of that game show.

And Kim Zolciak is shooting her dumb little Bravo show. Give me a break, people. That is not being too busy, okay? Especially you, Nene, with your game show. Get out of here. Yeah, come on. You're on Broadway. You're on Broadway and you still managed to do a Real Housewives. No, no, no, no. You're not too busy.

I mean, the only thing that Kim is doing right now is searching for some budget Chardonnay, all right? She is not too busy. I'm happy. Kim is just touching her face to feel if she can still feel anything. Because that bitch's face looks crazy. Oh, yeah. I missed the... It's officially crazy have you

seen her face lately someone put it on our facebook it's an instagram of her next to brielle brielle's beautiful by the way of course growing up beautifully and kim is beautiful too even though she looks like a damn you know melted candy corn on a heater or whatever but she looks ridiculous her face looks crazy stop it it. Move away from your face. Yeah. I didn't watch the 100th episode special for Atlanta, which I thought was funny because the show isn't airing. And so I'm like, wait,

why is there a 100th episode special of Atlanta airing? It must be that Mother Funders and Marriage to Medicine probably aren't doing so well on Sunday. That's what I suspect. Atlanta is the biggest show on there. It's the biggest house life show on there

and nothing's performing, I guess. That's what I imagine. But either way, I saw the previews that Kim looked cuckoo for Crazy Puffs. I mean, she was,

or Cocoa Puffs. She, she, she had some sort of like purple fuchsia lipstick on. Her face looked like it was like one of those things where you squeeze the neck

and the eyes bulge out or whatever. It was just a disaster. Oh, like those rubber chicken things? Yes, that's exactly what she looks like, a rubber chicken. Big ol' rubber chicken in a wig. So, the other Bravo goss is the

chubby gay guy, Eric Stone Street, okay, just so I'm not fattest and homophobic at the same time. is the chubby gay guy, Eric Stonestreet. Okay, just so I'm not fattest and homophobic at the same time. Eric Stonestreet, even though he's not gay, obviously. Eric Stonestreet is dating Bethany Frankel. It's like polar opposites. Very strange. Very strange pairing.

And by polar opposite, I mean scale opposite. strange pairing. And bipolar opposite, I mean scale opposite. Those two skinny as... Bethany is anorexia, and this guy is Overeaters Anonymous, and I just love imagining the fights in their house. Bethany's probably just like, ah, you farted.

Ah, you farted. Oh, God, you farted. You're gonna eat? Oh, God, you're gonna eat? Oh, he's gonna eat. Oh, he's gonna eat. And he just thinks she's hilarious because she's a neurotic idiot. You know what, Modern Family, that's exactly what we are a modern family because he's over there and then i have a wall up i have a wall up he can't get into my wall can't get over it can't get over it wall is up we're very modern family you know no one could get through my wall until he rolled over one night and the wall came crashing down if you showed my lungs my lungs

collapsed but it was worth it it's love if you tell me that ed o'neill's coming over for dinner, I will literally be on the floor right now in a ball of tears. Okay? You know, I cannot deal with it. My wall is up. My wall is up. That's so cute. I really, you know, I'm behind all families. White families.

Minority families. Eating disordered families. I just love family. Right? I mean, I say if we're going to have an eating disorder, let's do it as a family. I'm about to do it for two weeks with my mother. I can't wait. Oh, wow.

Are you excited for your Texas trip? Yeah, I go twice a year. And so by this time, I've had like six months away. And so I'm so peaceful. And I'm like, oh, everything's so great. I can't wait to see everybody and then by the end of the two weeks I'm like a rage machine well I'm

excited that I will be joining you in Texas next week and we allegedly have a live show for next Friday in Austin for Crap by Crap West but do we actually have a venue well actually one of our lovely listeners and a writer at Trash Talk TV did find us a venue.

Really? But I have not seen it, and I'm afraid to commit because it's like some straight bar in East Austin. And, you know, they're not going to close down. And it'll be on a Friday or Saturday night. And I'm kind of scared, you know. Does anyone know of any coffee shops in Austin? If you know of a coffee shop in Austin, where would you be? Once I'm there, I'll be better.

Once I'm there, my family owns restaurants and stuff. I just haven't been able to. It's hard to pressure people on text, you guys. I have to do it in real life. It makes sad eyes. So we're cautiously optimistic that our live Austin show. We'll definitely be doing it. We will.

It will definitely be either July 24th or 25th. That's a Friday or Saturday in Austin somewhere. Tracy Swayze suffered her sister's home in Georgetown, but that's a little far. Christina found us a bar. Let's just do it under all the bats. Let's just go to the bridge and do the podcast live from the bats. And every time one of them shits guano on us, we'll make a reference to a real housewife. Totally. It sounds good to me. I'm in by crap west it's happening we might do it in a cul-de-sac but we will be there

the 24th or the 25th so plan on coming i think a lot of people are planning on coming it's going to be a really fun night it'll be great it'll be i'm actually really excited uh everyone better get there and everyone better laugh at every one of our jokes, even if they're not funny, because it'll sound great on the podcast. We'll just add it in later. If you don't laugh, I'll be like, David? David? Go on. David? I have some brava goss. Really? I was out the other

night, just at a bar around the corner from me, getting a drink with a friend, a straight friend, who's always off hitting on girls. So I was left to my own devices i was like wow this is like being around um good-looking gay men they're just off talking all the time that's why i hang out with homely people no offense my friends who don't listen to this show anyway i was out with my friend and he was off hitting on girls and so i was just

talking to random people and i was talking to this table of really funny people and it turns out one of the friends of this table was Tom from Vanderpump Rules. Yeah, you had that picture with him, right? I just walked up to him and I was like, hey, my name is Ronnie. I'm on Watch What Crappens' podcast that makes fun of Bravo shows. And we'd love to make fun of your show. And he's like, oh, so you're like a fan of the show? And I said, well, kind of, in the way that we love to mock you.

And he's like, what do you mean? And so I did my impression of him. I was like, Chris Dan? I didn't do anything with her, Chris Dan. It's not like I stuck my penis. Okay, I stuck my penis in her, Chris Dan. But only in her mouth. Okay.

Chris Dan. Okay, her vagina. But not her butt. It would only count if it was her butt. He was not amused. Really? He wasn't mad, but he was really nice, by the he didn't i don't he wasn't mad but he was really nice by the way uh i don't think he got it they usually don't retchin didn't get it either when i

impersonated yeah yeah um but anyway it was fun meeting him and i ended up just hanging out with uh them because they were kind of who i knew when i got ditched by the straight guy and so i had a really fun night with them. And I just wanted to say that he's actually really nice in real life. And hilarious in how reality show dumb he is. He's like, hey, bro. So I just finished doing my impersonation of him, which he doesn't laugh at. But his friend does.

And he's like, hey, aren't you going to take a picture? And I was like, no, should I? And he's like, yeah, put it on a picture i was like no should i and he's like yeah put it on instagram he's like oh my good that's yeah that's something that reality stars love doing they're actually the ones who um who usually say like let's do a picture take the picture remember when we ran into rachel and brendan at the abbey and they were the ones who were like let's do a picture it wasn wasn't us. Both separately. He's like, hey, bro, you want to take a picture? And she's like, why don't we take a picture? We're like, okay, sure. I mean,

that's how I love... Reality stars are the best because they are so happy to be recognized and to be known that they are totally approachable. You can go up to anyone. I remember Big Brother Season 5. Jace was, like, the most reviled guy in the house,

and we made fun of him on TVgasm so badly. I did a video where I basically made it look like he and Scott were, like, gay lovers, and it went viral. I mean, it really just thrashed him. And he comes out of the house, and I run into him at Cabo Cantina, like, two days after he's out of the house. And I'm like,

oh, hey, Jace. And then he's like, hey, man, what's going on? And I said, like, two days after he's out of the house. I'm like, oh, hey, Jace. And then he's like, hey, man, what's going on? And I said, like, yeah, make fun of you on the web, TV gas. And he's like, oh, cool, man, let's do a picture. And I remember, like, posing, you know, with Jace for a picture. And I remember to this day putting my hand on his shoulder because he was sleeveless, of course. And it was all stubbly and weird. was like poorly shaven but anyway yeah that's that's that's a little flavor to set the scene but yes they always ask for the photo yeah i love it i think it's so funny uh but he was actually really nice and ariana is gorgeous she had like zero makeup on she's just

beautiful i mean she was nice too i didn't talk to her much seriously seriously but he was really nice and it was very very fun being out and having those two worlds collide loved it that's great i love la and then my friend of course got like three phone numbers because she's so cute and we were walking home and he was texting all the girls and i'm like god damn it i lost the i lost the number and he's like what number did you get bra and I was like that guy from Bravo and he's like you're an idiot like who cares you got I'm like whatever you get you get vagina and I get a podcast guest

all right it worked out for both of us stunning all yeah well the thing is that we know where he is we just have to go to sir yeah hey Max this an insta is the bartender on hey Max is the bart Hey, Max, is this on Insta? Is the bartender on Insta? Hey, Max, is the bartender on Insta?

Is it on Insta? Max? Max? So funny. I love this town. I know. Why don't we get to speaking of this town, why don't we get on the highway and head down to Orange County? Let's do it, Ben. Oh, Ronnie. You and head down to Orange County? Let's do it, Ben. Oh, Ronnie.

You know, I watch Orange County when it comes on the internet because I don't like sitting through commercials, even though I'm paying for cable now. And I feel like it's not stealing because I'm paying for cable. Yeah. But I wait, and so I was reading the comments on Facebook about OC, and I thought, oh, my God, this is going to be so boring. Because everyone's like, oh, it's just Dead Mother.

Yeah, it was a sort of dull episode. I thought it was so good. Really? I thought it was sort of like, okay. I mean, it was interesting but it wasn't like juicy. It was just like, okay. My thoughts about like, Vicky's mom died and Megan's stepdaughter's

mom has cancer, is going to die and then tamra has a baby wonderful stuff was happening in between all this okay so it opens with tamra and her mom who she used to hate and like embarrass on national tv which i guess they're nice to each other now yeah but i guess the mom paid her penance and also tamra's a christian now so there's that yeah that's right uh but her new grandbaby is going to be born, as someone called it on Facebook, to her lame son's Instagram wife, which I thought was funny. But her grandbaby is being born, and she's packing all the baby clothes that she bought, because it's a granddaughter. And I just watched her pack, thinking, you know, I find it amusing that these women were such bitches. But Vicky now has Gretchen's face

and Tamara has bought Gretchen's entire wardrobe as mini baby clothes. Gretchen owned every single one of those outfits. Every one of them. However, however,

choo-chooos aren't just for ballerinas and then we got to see I guess this whole talk was just Tamara's like can you believe it I'm gonna be a grandmother it's like bitch your neck was a grandmother 10 years ago get over yourself

I'm gonna be a hot grandma no sorry paddleboard yoga because Megan wants to bond with her daughter because her mother can't do certain things because she has colon cancer so we're going to go paddleboarding and do yoga at the same time

top that colon cancer I'm a cool mom like I understand Twitter and I understand Instagram that makes me cool I'm a cool mom I'm a cool mom I'm'm Megan. I'm a cool mom. I'm on apps all the time. Snapchat, Tinder, Ashley Madison.

It's like, bitch. She's like, and then she tells her stepdaughter, whatever that girl's name, she's like, I just felt bad because when Vicky's mom died, it made me think of you and how your mom's about to die. And then I'll be your only mom then because your mom's about to die and then i'll be your only mom then because your mom's about to die did i mention your mom's about to die totally totally like well you know vicky's mom died and your mom's gonna die and it made me cry because i was thinking of you but then i was

feeling bad and vicky's like 50 and you're 17 so it's different it's like yeah uh that's like the age difference in your marriage i wouldn't be throwing ages around so much yeah out of here and Vicky's like 50 and you're 17 so it's different it's like yeah that's like the age difference in your marriage I wouldn't be throwing ages around so much yeah out of here I just I felt bad I'm like you know like I just feel bad because I thought about you and you like don't look as hot as me on a paddleboard and I feel bad I felt really bad for you because your mom is dying and you know I was looking at Vicky and Vicky's like 50. It's like Vicky's mom was finally old enough for me to marry her and then she died. And it just made me think that's so sad.

I just feel bad because your mom's about to die. And I feel bad because I'm going to throw out everything she's left for you. I'll buy. This kid's going to love me. I'll buy. This kid's going to love me. I'm so cool. I'm going to buy totally new things from all the other moms. So she has more to choose from when her dad dies. That's so nice, Megan.

That is so thoughtful of you. But then I was thinking that I don't feel bad for you. Because I'm going to decorate the home in a Tuscan style. And you'll feel like you're in Tuscany. So that's good. You know, when your mother dies and I'm still here, I just want you to remember that she wasn't the one who bought the ceramic chef cookie jar from Ross. That was me.

I just want you to know that you're a beautiful girl, but not as beautiful as me. That's all. During yoga, I like to count because it settles my mind. Why don't you just focus on the bones in my back? Count those. Like, what the hell, lady? Eat some. You do not need to be paddleboard yoga ink.

You need to be out there with a fisherman's net. Put some mustard on it and have yourself a seat. Can't get colon cancer because your stomach is eating your colon. Alright? It's starving. When starving people, their bodies just start ingesting their bones and shit.

Hashtag stepmomhood. Shut up, okay? You're not that Julia Roberts movie where the mom dies of cancer and you're the hero, okay? It doesn't work out that way in your version. Yeah, if anything, she's the Julia Roberts movie with Dr. Jekyll. She's the Julia Roberts movie where you're like, don't give her a piece of candy.

Don't give her a piece of candy. And then Sally Field starts crying hysterically in the cemetery and then um shirley i mean um what's her buns offers up shirley mclean to beat i think she's the julia roberts movie where julia roberts plays a prostitute and that's it she's the julia roberts movie where she goes in to buy new clothes in beverly hills um because she doesn't want to wear the ex-wives clothes but then they don't let her she's the julia roberts movie where she goes into steinmart is like i'll have all of your fleur de lis please and they're like i'm sorry we can't help you which is big mistake huge huge she's from that julia roberts

movie where julia roberts goes to a restaurant and asks for water and they give her tap water. And she's like, this isn't filtered. You're killing children. I'm going to sue you with my bra strap showing. She's from that Julia Roberts movie where she actually dies and goes into a different realm. And then she comes back and she's like a little weird after that. She's like, i saw your mom we're going back mystic pizza listen there's nothing mystic about pizza okay it's dangerous

i would never make that movie she's from that julia roberts movie where she goes in the kitchen and she sees that her husband has arranged all the canned goods in a very specific way. And if she wants to survive, she better get out of there. She's like, he doesn't beat me, but he doesn't let me replace all the dish towels either. Sleeping with the baseball player. Sleeping with the enemy's quilt. I want my own quilt. What? Because the enemy is the ex-wife oh yeah she's from the julia roberts movie where she does really bad karaoke and then someone else

does it better wait wasn't that gwyneth paltrow no no no i'm sorry no that was when she tries to make cameron diaz look bad, and then Cameron Diaz sings bad karaoke, and then everyone loves how bad Cameron Diaz sings bad karaoke in My Best Friend's Wedding. Wait, wasn't that Lost in Translation? What's that movie? Which one are you talking about?

Oh, My Best Friend's Wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm that Julia Roberts movie where Julia Roberts gets on a horse and keeps running away but then finally richard gear is there with like three different ex-wives wardrobes for her so she stays i'm i'm like that julia roberts movie where i'm like being chased around london and then i i spill orange juice on a British guy and I'm like I'm just a girl standing in front of a guy

and I'm just going to throw out all his ex-wife's stuff. And then my husband blew a tranny and his career was over. The end! We're already fucking loopy and we're just starting. I'm like that i'm like that julia roberts movie where i go to do paddleboard yoga in oceans 11 you guys if they had paddleboard yoga when buddha was alive he wouldn't have been fat uh Hashtag stepmomhood. Hashtag my back hurts when I sit down against something.

Hashtag runaway yoga paddleboard. Hashtag if this was the old days, people could wash their clothes on my backbones. Hashtag I'm like that Julia Roberts movie where I was hanging out on the beach with Justine Bateman. Hashtag satisfaction. like that Julia Roberts movie where I was hanging out on the beach with Justine Bateman. Hashtag satisfaction. Alright, Heather and Lizzie. Heather, okay, Heather.

You know you're the most boring person on this show if the only person you can talk to is Lizzie, okay? This is like, hey girl, I've been eating calamari at the bar for the past three hours. Thanks for stopping by. Hey girl, it's my birthday. I'm glad you showed up.

Nobody else did. I got us another appetizer. Hey girl. Whoa, thanks for having me. Whoa, eating at the bar. This is crazy. A chair at the bar. Whoa, I'm eating at the bar.

This is fun. Just like the people. Just like at the bar. Whoa, I'm eating at the bar. Just like the people. Just like the regular people. Lizzie's like, don't worry about being late. I drew like five different bathing suits on the cocktail napkins. Got a whole summer line coming out.

Look, I've drawn a new bikini, Heather. There's a top and a bottom, and they're both lines. Wow. Wow, that's art! Just so you know, the sushi chef cut his finger just like I did last year. Oh my god, it's totally going to make the show. So Heather was telling Lizzie

about Vicky's mom dying and Heather was trying to cry. Heather is the worst actress, okay? Heather's like trying to cry, but God bless her, her gerbil Botox will not let her, so her ears are like leaking. And she's like, Lizzie, you should have seen it. We were playing

Bunko, and then Vicky let out this cry. This guttural cry. It was like the depths of her soul was screaming. I was like, how could you even hear that over Shannon going, BANCO! David, David, David!

No one even heard Vicky, okay? No one heard Vicky. Yeah, exactly. She was like, it sounded worse than Coco being told she wasn't allowed to throw the vase on the ground. I think I said this last week, but it came into my head again last night. It's like on 4th of July when there's a

bunch of fireworks and then everybody goes out and they're like, wow, there's fireworks into my head again last night. It's like on 4th of July when there's a bunch of fireworks and then everybody goes out and they're like, wow, there's fireworks. Let's shoot each other. No one will hear us. That's what it was like. It's like Vicky's mom died and no one can hear her over the stands like, BUNKO! I love when Shannon went crazy about BUNKO, but as we said last week, I loved it

even more when she was like, come on, Bunko, come on, Bunko. No, no Bunko. Never mind, of course. David, David, why is there no Bunko? By the way, when I was looking on Amazon last night, I totally came across a Bunko game, and I was like, ooh, should I get it?

A what game? Bunko! Bunko! It's dice, dice isn't it don't you just roll dice and keep score isn't it like yahtzee or something i think so i mean based on shannon's tutorial that's what i think it is it's called shannon's tutorial it's just an exercise in bipolarism it's like i'm gonna kill myself i'm dying i'm dying inside. Don't go! Oh, of course. I can't read a damn thing I said. But, oh, Tamara, isn't this crazy, Mom?

My grandbaby is being born on the same day that Vicky's mom is being buried. And I was like, that's karma if I've ever heard it. Vicky's mom's going to come crawling out of that vagina. You know, if there's ever a case for reincarnation karma, it's right now. I think Vicky's mom had the right idea. She's like, shit, another Tam response coming into this world. See ya.

Time to go. You know, the wars are bad. The racism is bad. But Tamra having another child. Bye. I'm dead. The Tamra lineage continuing. I just want that baby to come out going,

I did not have a threesome The baby's gonna come out like Grandma you're stupid Shut up You're stupid Please Gretchen shut up Shut up You're stupid

Please reincarnate Vicky's mother Into that baby Please, Gretchen, shut up. Shut up. You're stupid. Please reincarnate Vicky's mother into that baby. I would love that. I would love that. All right, what else did we have there? Mom plant. Oh, good. So then we had the worst part. Okay, so Megan is doing this whole, oh, the lady in the wig is dying, and now I'm being nice to the kids, so she'll love me.

And then the kid's a total bitch to her. Oh, my God. That daughter was such a brat. Megan rents some hotel room with Jim's money, and God knows where they were, on the beach, before her winter formal. They went to the courtyard by Marriott, basically, like, we rented out the presidential suite. So we have one and a half rooms. And basically, yeah, that girl. Oh, my God.

Total brat. I had to take Megan's side on this one. Oh, yeah. That girl was a little bit. She was mad because she forgot her dress. And then the mom's like, oh, that's my kid. She forgot her dress. And then the kid's like, oh, that's my kid. She forgot her dress. And then the kid's like, whatever, mom.

Yeah. She's like, well, you realize that we rented out an entire suite for you and hired a photographer and are paying for all your hair and your dress and your makeup. Whatever. Whatever. That's stupid. Did you forget my medication too? I'm like, oh, my God.

So she forgot your Adderall and your dress. God help us. And then Megan's, like, cuddling with her on a couch, like, you should be nice to your mother because she has cancer. And she's like, I don't care. All right? Cancer doesn't dress me. Okay? Cancer does not have enough glitter for the winter formal.

I can't wear her cancer to winter formal. And her mom's like, sorry. Jesus Christ, lady. Oh, God. Yeah, so she's all upset. And then when the dress finally did arrive, I was like,

your mother was doing you a favor. Yeah, thank you. She's trying not to fight with you, but she's really telling you you look like you're dressed by Dillard's. Okay? She's trying to help you here.

Yeah, it was like one step up from a construction worker uniform. It's like, if I could do one thing for my daughter before she goes, it's to save her winter formal pictures. And then she's like, I can't believe my mom wants to get in the winter formal pictures. It doesn't even have anything to do with you. Shut up, you ungrateful winter formal bitch. Who's the jackal now?

And then Megan's like... bitch. Who's the jackal now? We don't like... We can't believe Andy Cohen would call a 16-year-old a jackal, but we're like, this stupid bitch, 17-year-old bitch. Oh, yeah. I don't have a problem with calling 16-year-olds

assholes. They are. We all are. I mean, Jesus, I was an ass... I still am an ass. I still am the 16-year-old asshole on the inside. I just have less hair. Darling. Still there. 16-year-old is a jackal. I just have less hair, darling. Yeah, darling. Still there. 16-year-old is a jackal. I'm not going to say jackal. I can't even make myself sound.

Oh, darling, darling. Get some of the tartare. Darling, Penny, don't leave your purse, darling. Chef Penny, quick emergency. We have to send all the tuna tartare that we can find. Send it down to Orange County. It could be the last time this poor woman has it. Send it now to the courtyard by Marriott.

Get it there now. You see a skinny wench on a paddleboard. You know you've got it in the right place. Get there. And then Megan's all mad. She's like, teenagers are jerks. I mean, to think that that girl's like two years away from being able to marry my husband. Shut up, Megan.

What are you talking about, Miss 30-year-old? Miss 30-year-old? Oh, well, Miss 30-year-old. Then we have Vicky sobbing without tears again this whole show it's been a week now and why won't you wake up why won't you wake up she should be awake by now she should be awake by now why won't you wake up now listen far be it for me to make fun of a woman in mourning. But it was one thing last week when it was like the shock of it had struck Vicky and she was saying crazy things. But now it's been a few days and for her to keep saying, When is she supposed to wake up?

She's supposed to be awake by now. Like, this is not right. Like, she's supposed to be awake. Wake her up, Billy. Wake her up. Who's in the box? What's in the box? Stop pressing the snooze button on mom. It's time to wake up. Who's in the box? What's in the box? Stop pressing the snooze button on mom.

It's time to wake up. Stop snoozing mom. Yeah, it's a little bit much. Especially when she's not really crying. I mean, I feel for her. I do feel for her. I mean, I feel terrible for her. Of course. She's very close to her mother, but I mean,

that's a strange way of grieving. A strange way of grieving. She needs to get herself onto a... I guess if you've been on TV ten years, you just get different... She needs to get herself onto a paddleboard. Cry on the waves. There's no Jackie O, darling. Jackie O's like, I will not cry in public.

Also, she was probably like that cheating son of a bitch. But, anyway, Jackie O was like, you know, classy women don't do this in public, darling. Even though she's not Lisa Vanderpump. But not this show. We've sure taken down those boundaries. When's she going to wake? Hi, just calling to see if mom's awake from her nap. What do you mean she's still not awake?

Oh, my God. Who's going to forget my winter formal dress? Who's going to forget my medication? That's terrible. Sorry. Sorry if anybody's mom died. All of ours will soon, and it's going to suck for everybody. And I promise not to come on this show and pretend to cry about it and ask

why she's not awake from her nap. I don't think Vicky's pretending to cry. I don't think she's pretending to cry, but I think she's out of her mind right now with grief. And it's making her a crazy woman, like really crazy. And so then what I thought was sort of my takeaway was that they cut to Shannon. David. David.

And she and David came in from a parental meeting. It was a father meeting. It was a father meeting. That's right. It was a father meeting. Your father and I just come back from a father conference. We were looking at Star from Gravestones. But what was funny is that Shannon said to her daughter,

she's like, did you send Aunt Vicky a text? I'm like, what? Vicky is at quote unquote aunt level now? Like they've known each other for a year and she's Aunt Vicky? Geez. Vicky owns a business. That's how we have aunts in Orange County, okay? Some people have them by birth how we have ants in Orange County. Some people have them by birth, and we have them by business ownership.

Vicky became your auntie at the latest Chamber of Commerce meeting in Orange County. She brought a chandelier to the meeting, and I thought, you know what? She could be an aunt. Another aunt-sia. This weekend, we're very excited because Vicky and I are going to go see Ant-Man. I think it's going to be about our friendship. David? David.

David. David. Where are you going? So they just get back from some father conference, and the kids are like, great. She's like, wow, your father's done great on his poster board. He's getting better at that. Soon he'll be able to join a science fair. And they're like, great, Dad.

Your father's going to learn to be a father any day now, David. And then David's like, yeah, well, you know, it was really difficult because your mom was mad at me last night and then in the middle of the night and then this morning and then at breakfast and then at lunch and then all the way there and then throughout the afternoon and at night, still mad at me. She's like, David, I don't appreciate that, David. How'd your day go today? Here it is specifically. I went better tonight because, you know, Mommy was upset with me yesterday. And last night and this morning. Pretty much all day today.

Because I didn't respect her enough. And now Shannon's looking furious. So she's been upset with me all day. David. Well, there's a little bit more than that. So let's not exaggerate it. It's not just a phone call. That's not fair to do than that. Let's not exaggerate it. It's not just a phone call. That's not fair to do to me.

It's just not fair, David. You see your father? Look at what your father's doing right now. We learned that some fathers insert their penises into vaginas to make babies, and some fathers just insert negative thoughts into mothers to make them crazy. And that's what your father's inserting.

We must respect him. Oh, damn it. That's not the full story, David. David. David. Please do not insert a negative thought into me, David. We just got back from the father conference, David. Well, the best part is that when we find out what the

father conference was really about, it's that Shannon very innocently merely asked David to compile a list of every single restaurant he took his mistress to. She's like, because, you know,

I've had a negative thought, David, and I can't think of restaurants that you may have brought your mistress to, and we have friends. Her reasoning made no sense. She's like, because I can't live like this. I have friends and restaurants. I need to know the restaurants. I just can't be taken by surprise. I'm like, because I can't live like this. I have friends and restaurants. I need to know the restaurants. I just can't be taken by surprise.

I'm like, what are you talking about? I don't want to be eating an awesome blossom if David has dipped his awesome at that blossom first. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And with as many affairs as he has, who knows? I could be at a restaurant tipping his mistress. I'm not giving up 15% to a mistress.

I'm putting my foot down, David. I want to know that this ultimate feast is the ultimate feast, and that you have not shared an ultimate feast with some hoe from Tustin. There, I said it. David? David. Listen, we are not taking the kids to hometown Slut Fae until you make a list of the restaurants that you've eaten at, David.

That's it. David? David? I want to know I'm the only woman you take to the round table. David? David? David, if I go to Red Lobster and order crabs and I get them again, I'm going to kill you, David.

That's not funny. All right? It's not funny. David, the only claim that I want you to have a claim jumper is on me. Okay? David? David? David. Oh, my God.

So the other thing that I was laughing at is in the clip you just played when he's like, well, your mother was mad at me for, you know, every minute of the day because I didn't have enough respect to call her when I said I would. And she's like, well, it's a little bit more than that, David. Is it? Is that your fight? You went to a father conference because David didn't call you last night on his way home. And knowing after last week when Shannon was talking to her friend and she's like, well, you know, yeah. And the friend was like, oh, the affair was six months, right? And she's like, oh, well, it's been six months since he's had one.

I mean, it's been two years since then. Well, Jesus, it's every restaurant in town. What, are you only going to go picnic now? Yeah, exactly. Like, how are you going to move forward if you were now making him make lists about restaurants? This is not how you do it. You have to just move on, Shannon. Either move on or accept the idea fair and that you may wind up in the same geographical area that he brought the mistress. Listen, David, if it's legal now for restaurants to start posting calories

on their menu, I think that it should be legal for you to start posting how many waitresses you've swallowed. Alright? I'm not going to eat on the menu without that description. Thank you. David? David, where are you going? Why is the garage door opening? David, why are you closing that door? David? David? David?

Why are you closing the sliding door, David? It's not an elevator. David, did you take your mistress into an elevator? David? David? Is this the mistress room sliding door, David? It's not an elevator. David, did you take your mistress into an elevator? David? Is this the mistress room? This is the room for the mistresses? We can't come in here anymore. I need a list of every single type of room you ever walked into with your mistress. I want to know what type of sheets...

What was the thread count on the sheets that you fucked your mistress on, David? David? That's it. Everyone's getting t-shirt sheets. your mistress on, David. David? David? That's it. Everyone's getting t-shirt sheets. David, I want to know about the lighting. Were there chandeliers involved? Because we have a big one in the house, and I can't get rid of it. That was amazing when he's like, okay, kids, we're going to be

talking over here. We're going to close this door now. She's like, David, why are we in the pantry, David? He's like, we are going to talk about this over a box of Cheetos. She's like, no, David, why are you closing the door, David? David? Is that symbolic? And then the daughter's like david why are we in the pantry david he's like we are gonna talk about this over a box of cheetos she's like no david why are you closing the door david david is that symbolic and then the daughter's like they're fucking crazy yeah she's like whatever oh shannon and then that whole scene where she goes over to vicky's house and she's like hey vick how you doing and they're both kind of stumbling around like really old ladies and Shannon's wearing her reading glasses. Yeah. And they're just kind of

old ladies together and Vicky's like, oh, you know, my mom's still dead. Do you want some water or something? Oh, no, I brought some water. I brought it in my purse. I don't know. You know, I don't want to accuse you of not filtering your water. You know, fight, fight, fight. It's in my purse. Oh, okay. You want some water? I brought my water.

All right. I brought a lime rind. It's supposed to bring peacefulness to your, okay. You want some water? I brought my water. Alright. I brought a lime rind. It's supposed to bring peacefulness to your house. Do you want some water? Okay, I've got my water. Stop that now. And Vicky, or Shannon, what was she offering her? She's like, this will be for stress. Yeah, she was like, this is some lemon water. And Vicky's like, oh,

yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you. I think Mom would like this. Is Mom awake, Wes? Can you wake up Mom, Shannon? Shannon's like, here, you have to take this grief medicine orally. I would keep it for myself, but David did a lot of oral things with his mistresses, and I'm no longer taking anything orally. Vicki, my one request is that you save some for David when he attends my funeral again at the hotel.

I've got the gravestones still saved up. Please make sure that he uses the original poster board and not the second poster board because the second poster board was much ruder than the first. He got really literate with that glitter pen

the second time around. So then Vicky started talking about how she saw a median, quote unquote median. She's like started talking about how she saw a median quote-unquote median she's like oh yeah i saw a median and there was a bird pecking and the medium was like oh do you have yet have you has there been a pecking bird recently and she's like oh yeah it's like well that's your dad's like is there a crooked paint is there a crooked photo in your in your house like oh yeah it's a picture of my dad yeah that means your dad moved it for you and vicky's like yeah oh wow like it just all makes sense i'm like what it's the most generic thing ever be like have you noticed the bird is there something

that's crooked oh yeah your dad did that what also when vicky goes you know seeing a median and seeing all that stuff from from my dad you know i gotta ask myself would this be okay with gad i'm like vicky how many times have you been divorced? How many faces have you had? You don't have anywhere near the same boobs you have. I know that's not technically in the Bible, but if adorning yourself with too much gold and shit is in the Bible, I'm sure saline sex

wouldn't be, you know, too far behind. Get over yourself. Since when are you worried about it? Yeah, come on, Vicky. Kicking your laws, Vicks. She's like, well, you know, the divorce, you know, divorce-ma-dorse. I hope I don't go to hell for talking to a median. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I just wanted to know why the streets always have to be so divided. Why do they put so many mediums in the streets? Shannon's like, no, Vicky, I think you mean a medium. The thing that's in the middle of the street. Vicky's like, I know what I was talking to. I was talking to the planter in the middle of the highway. I was at a crosswalk in the middle of the highway.

It kept going, wait, wait, wait. And I thought, gosh, that's what my dad used to say. I was in the median and I was looking at the flower bed. I was like, this is the smallest park I've ever seen in my life. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks. Reconstruction. MLK. February Black History Month. Exactly. Exactly. think about when they hear the words black history rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about especially outside of february and we are about to flip the script on all of that because on this show you're gonna hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in

hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now

by joining Wondery Plus. By the way, how many blind people died because those fucking crosswalks weren't yelling, wait, wait. Well, the funniest thing to me is when those crosswalks to signal that it's time to walk, they play like bird noises.

I don't think that's helpful. Either you're not going to notice because it sounds like birds or you're going to hear a bird and be like, okay, it's time to walk. Of course, I made the blind person Vicky, by the way. You're just going to be like, why is that blind person throwing breadcrumbs at a crosswalk? All these birds

are getting run over. There's so many crosswalks. So many crosswalks. Every time I think I've made it across the street, I hear the birds again. I just keep on walking. I hate to stick someone in a blind person in an aviary. Oh, gosh. This traffic. They must be so furious. They've been stopped for so long.

They're all the blind people are Vicky. I'd like to add. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Now it's counting down. Do I have to...

Will I make it across in 20 seconds or won't I? Oh, this is stressful. I wish my dad was here. Wait. Hi, dad. Oh, gosh. My dad's here.

Have you seen any crosswalks recently? Yes. Oh, that's your dad. Oh, great. Has the crosswalk sign gone from like a walking man to then a flashing

hand? That's your dad saying, hold on a second. I'll be right there. Even my dad's father doesn't approve of Brooks. It's like, don't. Do not. It's like, talk to the hand. I keep seeing signs everywhere. They're red and they're octagonal.

And they're from my dad saying, stop. Stop with Brooks. And I say, I can't stop. I've gotten into so many accidents since. I can't stop thinking of my dad when I see those octopus signs. Like an octagon, Vicky. I know what I said! And then we cut to

Tamara, who's also talking about Vicky's mom dying. She's like, Mom, this is like, I wouldn't have cared if you died when you were still a bitch. But now that we're friends, I'd be really sad if you died. And she's like, I mean, Vicky's mom had explicit instructions on how to bear. I mean, who does that? Like, you just become 80 and then you're like, okay, here's how I want to die. And the mom's like, you know what I always say, you just become 80 and then you're like, okay, here's how I want to die. And the mom's like,

you know what I always say, just cremate me. And she's like, okay. She's like, well, dude, fetch. Her mom's like, that's why in our family we believe in teen pregnancy. That way you can be around with your kids longer. She's like, I'm 43 and I'm a great grandmother. This feels more evil today than usual. We are very evil.

Maybe it's because there's a dead person. I think so. We're making fun of cancer, dead people. We're sorry, everyone. It's like, yay, we made it to 200 episodes, and now we're going to be real nasty. By the way, I have to give one of our listeners, Kelsey Sparks, posted this on our Facebook page. It was a picture of Ryan getting his baby. And the funny thing is it was clearly they were not allowed to bring cameras into parts of the hospital because Kelsey caught this and put a screen cap up on the page, and there's a picture of Ryan holding the baby through a glass door,

and next to it is a sign that says, Storage Employees Only. So they basically made a storage closet look like a delivery room. Oh, Lord. This show is hilarious. Love it. Tamara's Christian,

or she didn't say anything about Christianity, by the way, so I'm not making fun of that. But her whole, like, I'm a nice person now to her is just so funny. She's like, hi, Bix. It's me. I'm just coming by to say sorry about your mom, bitch. And Vicky's like, yeah, well, you have to be nice to me now because my mom likes you. I don't even know why. I'd say she's being mean to me. And her mom would say, oh, really, Tamara? Why you being mean Because my mom likes you. I don't even know why. I'd say, she's being mean to me.

And her mom would say, oh, really, Tamara? Why are you being mean? And I'd say, I don't know. And she'd be like,

oh, your mom is such a bitch. She's like, I know, Tamara. What is this friendship? I know. I know.

And then Brooks has lost weight. So he comes in. And look, I felt bad when I saw that Brooks had lost so much weight. Cause I was like, oh, we've been making fun of him possibly lying about his cancer. Right.

Because it's Brooks. Like you never make fun of cancer. But of course, you make fun of like idiots who pretend they have it to get on TV and who have also used this excuse with other ex-wives before. And who knows if he really has. I know. I don't believe him. Anyway, he came on and I was like, oh, my God, he's lost weight. Either I need to get cancer or start shoving coffee at my ass.

One of the two is about to start happening because he looks so thin. He does. He does look thin. Good for you, Brooks. Maybe your cancer is real. Or maybe it's the coffee enema, whatever it is. You look great. I've never seen somebody with cancer look so healthy.

So well done. You're looking great. somebody with cancer looks so healthy so well done you're looking great only in la with that would getting cancer be like oh congratulations best diet ever there's a waiting list yeah it's like after i had a like a vicious bout of pneumonia five years ago i lost like 35 pounds or 40 pounds in the span of three weeks everyone's like ben you look great what have you been doing i'm like pneumonia well you know i go up 100 pounds every i go up and down 100 pounds probably like every five years and whenever i'm on the down slope people go oh my god you look so great are you sick like they all have like aids in

their eyes they all have like aids aids eyes i, stop, people. Jesus, that's so rude. And it's rude to just assume that a gay guy would have AIDS before anything else, A. And B, it's rude to compliment me and then, without even finishing your sentence, suggest I have AIDS. Like, pick a path, people, all right? Jeez. Yeah, it's very L.A. We were going to go to Disneyland. I don't know why I wrote that down.

Because Vicky was going to go to Disneyland with her mom. Oh, yeah. But we were going to go to Disneyland. Wake up, Mom. And then Brooks is like, guys, I think we all need to pray. Dear Lord. Rub-a-dub-dub think we all need to pray. Dear Lord. Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub.

Thank God. Vicky's like, Brooks, you are not eating a sandwich. He's like, yes, I am. No, you're not, Brooks. Yes, I am. He's like, Lord, please help the world. Help racism. Help Vicky be okay with everything,

and please send us a side of K-Stone when you're done. Thank you, Lord. Amen. Dear Lord, help Vicky, help Tamara, help all the people in this world, and if you could, could you find me a Park Place piece for my McDonald's Monopoly? Thank you very much. You're not eating that, Brooks. No, you're not, Brooks! Hell, I am. It's Monopoly, thank you very much. You're not eating that, Brooks. Yes, I am. No, you're not, Brooks.

Hell, I am. It's Monopoly, Tom. Which, by the way, that's me. That's me. Every fall, I go crazy at Monopoly. Lord, I would, you know, I've learned to look behind clouds for silver linings. And, you know, I wasn't happy when you took Vicky's mom. But I am ecstatic to have a week alone in the house.

So yay God. Love Brooks. All right. I think that's pretty much it for the episode. Should we go on to marriage and medicine? Is it? Is it? Oh, there was just some other Heather stuff.

Who cares? She did nothing. Yeah, she did nothing. Oh, yeah. It was stupid stuff with Terry. It was so stupid. It's like with coco like i think that coco i think coco gets off on withholding affection to terry i'm like no she's just a spoiled brat get over it and also where would she get that yeah she's like coco is withholding information from or coco is withholding all emotional response

from terry until she gets a house yeah building for the cabinets wasn't enough as a bedroom. We need an entire house for her. I have my kids doing a model house. Look, it's only 3,000 square feet. I just tell them, kids, that's how poor people live. I'm one of you! We bought out a Costco and we're turning it into Coco's new playroom.

So, okay. Marys to medicine. Marys to, okay. Married to medicine. Married to meds. Married to meds. Wow, as trashy as married to medicine is and has always been, it's actually at least fun right now. It has not been good this year,

but this episode was so funny to me. Were you laughing or did you... It was like a little dull at first, but then it started to pick up. It started to pick up steam. I think, though, it was not so much the episode's fault did you um it was like a little dull at first but then it it started to pick up it started to pick up steam i think though it was not so much the episode's fault i think it was me i like wasn't in the mood to like watch it so i was like watching in like 15 minute bursts but it was still entertaining i definitely took took some wrote some things down that made me chuckle oh don't threaten me with a good time note taker yeah

so we opened with another useless montage of these women doing nothing to like some generic I love their like cheap public domain pop music that they got it's like doing things doing things getting up and doing things making it happen

and it's nothing it's definitely like checking the air on her tires. You got tires coming out? You got tires coming out? Oh, Laura. Laura. You check the tires. Laura.

You check the tires. Laura. So after that ridiculous... Oh, Laura. Laura. So after that ridiculous... After that ridiculous sex, never having sex, end of city opening montage, we move to Jackie fat shaming. Okay, no diet has ever worked with some skinny woman with Claire Hustle voice coming up to you and just being mean to you. That is not how diets work, Jackie.

Okay. Exactly. Although I did feel bad because the other night I did pull a Dr. Jackie move because our friend, you know, our friend Jack, you know, our friend Jack. He, I was hanging out with him and Angie and David and everything. And, and I brought some peanut butter cups over. And then he immediately was like, I want some, I want some.

And then I wouldn't let him have any because, which is a real dick move, but I felt like I was entitled to do that because poor Jack is always posting about how he's trying to stay away from candy. So I was like, if I'm going to have to read these posts, I'm not going to let you have candy, right? Well, that's why you never put your diet status on Facebook.

That's right. That's the only thing you can do. I know. It really is. Because then everybody's like, oh my God, so the diet's down, right? Which there is a dislike button. It's like, shut the fuck up.

You don't want to invite people into your addictions. I know. But then I felt so bad because jack is so sweet so sweet and cuddly i was like oh i wanted to give it to him yeah you should have i know i was being an asshole sorry jack um i'm sorry jack i would have let you have one well to be fair he had he had three so i was just cutting him off oh okay okay yeah, okay. Yeah. So, speaking of cutting people off, I'm going to cut you off. No, just kidding. I was just

bringing up candy again because, of course, Jackie starts going through all the drawers and she's like, I have a feeling there is something bad in that drawer. And I was just hoping it would be gum. But it wasn't. It was candy. It was candy. It's full-on candy.

It's rich people having, like, gum drawers. It was a candy drawer. It's full on candy. It's rich people having gum drawers. Gum drawers and candy drawers. There's something sort of unsettling also about a drawer of loose candy. Right? It's one thing to have a jar of candy or a bowl of candy or a bag, but something about a drawer where it's all rolling around is a little strange to me. It's like your mom sold half-smoked benson and hedges and some panties yeah it's like if you open up a drawer you can't explain yeah like imagine it'll be a drawing there's like some loose paper clips

and staples and things it just feels disorganized i don't know it bothered me so funny i like that we'll spend half an hour on a candy drawer what kind of candy was in there but i love simone i don't care how irrational simone gets but god she is so funny to me always she's like what are you even doing here i look fine go to heavenlies yeah she's fatter than me god that was great well well simone and heavenly love throwing shade at each other back and forth whenever they can but like in a fun way which is what's great yeah they have fun with it oh and jackie of course she's there to like talk about her non-diet diet plan like she has no diet

plan really except to shame fat people so i don't even know what she's talking about but she's like all right we've done my diet plan scene let's sit down on the couch now and let's talk about the disrespectful way these women folk were acting on this show yeah you know starts going into this whole thing and she's like i wouldn't expect lisa nicole to act like that but you know there's two sides to every person and as long as the person on the outside of lisa n Lisa Nicole is within a healthy weight range, I don't care what the fat bitch inside her says. Thank you, Jackie. Thank you.

Oh, God. Stupid Jackie. Stupid, stupid Jackie. She's too smart to be acting so ridiculous. She is, but she knows it's ridiculous. She's like sighing and rolling her eyes whenever she has to actually talk about the other women on the show. It's so funny. She's just like, I'm just here to sell a diet plan.

A two-page diet plan. It just says, don't eat fatty over and over again. She's just working for that book deal. She's working for it. For her infomercial. Fit is the new it. So stupid. Fit is the new it. Shit is the new it.

Fit the it? Fit it. Fit it. new it. Fitbit. Shit is the new it. Fit the it? Fit it. Fit it. Fit it. Fit it. Fit the it much, Jackie? Fitbit? Yeah. David. David. Why am I not the new it, David? It should be Shannon is the new it. I want to know every walking path that your mistresses

have taken, David, because I'm not walking there with my Fitbit anymore, David. So then, so Jackie came over and was talking to Simone about the candy drawer, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And then I think the next major thing that happened was that we saw Quad.

Quad had a giant bandage on her face as if she'd just been stabbed with a saber. Oh my lord. And you know, Toria called that right away. She's like, you know, she's sitting over there with the bandage bigger than the house. I'm sure it's her. Quad's got

this bandage covering half her face, and she's like, you would not believe what that woman did to me! Victimized me like a fire in a house storm! It's like, what? Shut up, Quad. Makes no sense. She came after me like some cottage cheese at a bowling alley.

What? Makes zero sense. And you've got to love that the husband is just like, Well, you shouldn't have been doing that to her. You shouldn't have talked to her like that. You started it. Exactly. Well, I love that he actually was not taking her shit he was like

you know there are people who need to be using the emergency rooms resources it's like and she's like she's like what do i need to have to happen does an eyeball have to fall out and roll around the floor for people to have pity on me it's like he's like no he's like what you had was like pretty minor like you know there are people who need the emergency room. You just have a tiny scratch. I was like, you have a scratch. People need that emergency room. He was mad.

But what I don't understand is why he, as a therapist, doesn't say, you know, Quad, we're starting to see a pattern of behavior here. And maybe we have to look at maybe something that you are bringing to the situation. Instead, he's just like, You shouldn't even act that way. It was embarrassing. Yeah. I was embarrassed as a doctor. It embarrassed the whole medical community. It's like, you've been on this show three years now, okay?

That does not fly anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But, yeah, I think, you know, he's a therapist, and sometimes people are just in love with their work, and they marry it. Yeah. And that's it.

Married to medicine. Shannon is probably a fan of... Yeah, Shannon was I don't know, probably obsessed with cheating at Monopoly or something. She married her work. Who knows? These people are all crazy, but Quad having a

fit and then being like, the nastiest thing to me. She said I was a lesbian. Can you believe that? She said, let's not forget that. Let's not forget. She's like, well, you do have a lot of Katie Lang CDs. The nerve.

The nerve. The other important revelation that came out of this episode is that we learned that Toya's kid's been stealing applesauce He's on an applesauce ban No more applesauce They told me no more mommy juice

because I caught one of them eating the applesauce in the bed and I said no and then he said no more mommy juice I'm not an alcoholic I'm just gonna start drinking out of jars so they don't notice. What I should have done is put the alcohol in the applesauce.

And then I take the applesauce from them so I can drink the alcohol. I started putting the alcohol into Capri Sun pouches so they won't know what it is. You know that they'll drink out of that, right? Put it in a more child-friendly cup, you idiot. Who do you think you are? The, uh, the

applesauce drug kazaar? I have came here to take the applesauce from you and put it in the ambulance. The ambulance. Uh, Satoria's stupid. Uh, water disgusting. Oh, yeah. She threw

when you throw water at someone's face, that is the most disgusting thing you can do to a person. I'm like, she actually threw a glass at your face afterwards. Yeah. How is the water more disgusting? I love that the thing that kills a gremlin is what ultimately offends Quad.

I know. I could have melted. If this were Oz, I could have melted. This would have killed Gizmo. And then she tried to feed me after midnight. Don't tell me Phoebe Cates can't have a job. I am going to get into my Barbie dream car and I'm going to drive right on out of here.

And then we got a scene with Simone pretending that she spends any time with the twin Urkels, which she never does. Oh, I love the twin Urkels. Hi, boys. How you doing playing basketball? I'm just here to ask about your homework. We're not.

Get out of here with your Maserati. You just got here. You're here for five minutes do not front please she's like guys i just they're like we have to make a family tree mom she's like well you know the main branch on that tree is drunk and i don't know how you're gonna put that i'm like you don't need to put that on a family tree it's like this is my mother this is this is my mother she's a doctor this is my father he's a doctor this is my mother. This is my mother. She's a doctor. This is my father. He's a doctor. This is my grandfather.

He drinks. His favorite drink is Jack Daniels. He also masturbates in parks. It's like, you don't need to put that. Just put his name. I love Simone with her kids, though, because her kids seem so nice. And she's good with them. I love Simone.

Yeah, I do, too. I just call them the twin Urkels and say she doesn't spend time with them because one minute she's like, I'm never home. All I do is spend time at work and I can't even pay the bills because I'm broke. And then the next season she's like, here I am on the sidelines of the basketball court talking to

Urkels while driving a Maserati when last year I couldn't pay my rent. Shut up, Simone. Talking to Urkels. Oh, Simone. I'm talking to Urkels. Oh, jeez. What else happened in this one? Me and Jill are mills. Oh, Toya. That was a high school teacher.

That's how we teach grammar. You say, me and Jill and her and me, we went someplace. Us and her went to the strip club. They want to go to the strip club and they're calling all the girls and she's like, hey, Lisa Nicole, you want to go to strip club? And Lisa Nicole's like, that's the meaning

to all the women that Darren has sex with. And then Doria goes, I was a teacher of the high school and I can tell you, some girls dream of being on that pole. Makes me sad for the educational system in many, many different ways. Many ways. Like, what's sadder, that women in Atlanta, young women in Atlanta dream of being strippers, or that Doria was allowed to teach high school?

Yeah, exactly. I can only imagine what she was teaching. Ugh, students, get out of the way. Look at the little social studies now. This is where... Okay. Four score, seven years ago,

something happened. What was it? You, right over there. Uh, uh, I want to be a stripper. Correct. That's what happened. Where's Eugene? Eugene. Toria.

First, we came out of flowers in May. And then when we got here, there was all these Indians. And we was like, no, it smells like curry. So then we killed them. And now we owe the America. When the Pilgrims came

to Plymouth Rock, they were like, this is great music. Let's make a country. I love Plymouth Rock. So now that's a genre. We saw all the Indians on totem poles. And that's where stripping began. It's from the dawn of time. Eve was a stripper.

That's why they named the state Massachusetts. Because everyone went to Mass. It was like, I want to choose stripping. So Mass chooses it. Mass chooses stripping. Oh, God. You know why the White House is called the White House? Because it's a house that's white and the strip is inside.

That's why there's a pole in front of the White House. And that's why the flag's always up. Because people say they got a flag up when they get horny at the White House. Every time there's an election, they have all those poles. It's because the strippers are out. There's time for the strippers to get voting on the polls. It's good for America. So then we move on to Lisa Nicole having a meeting.

No, Toya did not get that from a private investigator. She must have gotten that inside information from somebody in my office. Somebody must have gone through my computer and seen the files about Darren's illegitimate son. I mean... Like, what files did you have on your computer that you found to talk about an illegitimate child and mistresses, Lisa Nicole? And congratulations for not keeping a password on your work computer. Good job. By the way, she's so dumb.

She's so dumb, by the way. If someone saw it off the computer, she thinks it's one of her employees. Do you realize you have a team of producers that are all up in your business at all times or trying to find dirt on you any chance they get? I mean, let's not be ridiculous. And then you just got all the employees over being terrified of your, like, wire hanger facing the wrong way rant. And now you're, like, yelling at them all and accusing them all of being liars and then leaving. Like, how would that foster any kind of allegiance to you?

Well, I love that first woman because when they were all sitting around there and one guy's like, well, somebody's got to fess up. And one of them goes, wasn't me. Not me at all i didn't do it so i never touched your computer so take me out of the conversation it's like uh i will find justice i will find out who did this i will find out who was on my computer under my username looking through things how are you gonna find that out stupid you can't if you look at your computer records it's gonna say that you were the dumbass signed in on there. Dumb.

Stupid. I'll find out. She probably got an email from the private investigator that was like, here, to save all your personal stuff, email it to this link and I'll be put in a vault. And she's like, okay. Emails it to him. This is like WikiLeaks. The terrorists

will pay. Also, we're going to start going up to a size 14 in the Lisa Nicole collection. That is private. Well, we all know in WikiLeaks that Julian Assange was a great stripper who let everyone know about everything

happening in all the strip clubs in America. I just love that Lisa Nicole has some master file on her computer that talks about all of Darren's babies littered all over the world and all the random vaginas he's had sex with. I know. So crazy. And I'm loving this Lisa Nicole, by the way. Yeah. Because

she crazy now. Now she's crazy. She's gone real crazy. So then it's time Lisa Nicole, by the way. Yeah. Because she crazy now. Now she's crazy. She's gone real crazy. So then it's time to go to the strip club. I can get behind a crazy woman. Always. So now it's time to go to the strip club. And in this case, Jill basically doesn't have enough money to get a proper party bus

so she gets some like Craigslist Etsy party bus that's a school bus painted black it's so bad yeah that was pretty bad the women on this show are so funny heavenly was killing me i never painted with strip club before what is what does strip club smell like girl and some toy is like ass and then she opens her legs and puts her vagina in Heavenly's face. And Heavenly's like, oh,

I hate the smell of ass. Tori, you want to smell some ass, girl? You go to that club that doesn't smell like ass. I don't like the smell of ass. I don't even know. I don't even know what Heavenly's talking about half the time, but I laugh every single time she's on. You want to smell my ass?

No. She's really coming to her own this season, for sure. Yeah, she's so funny. Oh, my God. Yeah. So they finally go to the strip club, and Lisa Nicole shows up in this gigantic, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego gardening hat I don't know what that funeral hat it's like Carmen

Sandiego was found dead gardening you know in Nicaragua and that was the hat she was wearing yeah I'm surprised she didn't run into the lady from from Mother Funders trying to tutor some of the strippers or trying to raise some money.

She's like, if you just gave 10% of what's in your vagina right now to the schools, we would be able to afford a bowling alley fundraiser. So anyway, yeah. So Lisa Nicole gets there, and she's hating it, because she finds stripping to be very demeaning to women and all this stuff. And she gets into a whole fight with Jill, because she's like, strippers are slaves. And and jill's like no you can't say that she's like how can you say that they're happy they're empowered they're happy i mean they both were kind

of taking a very extreme position i think they both were kind of wrong but i mean i do think it's pretty demeaning you do i mean it is demeaning but at the same time i also don't think it's slavery i think it's just like fine you know all right if you're gonna do it do it i mean you know i i think i would have agreed until i met so many porn stars because they do that porn star show at io so i've met like a lot of people in porn listen if they have issues or whatever i get it we all do but i don't look at it anymore as a victim thing because we are pretty empowered. Well, I mean, look, if they want to do it, it's fine. I don't care and have fun.

And if you feel empowered by it, but then that's great. I mean, I do think, you know, it is more on the demeaning side than other things, but it's also, I say that as lightly as possible because overall, I don't care. You know what I'm saying? It's like, whatever. Like, if you want to strip, strip, I don't care. Go ahead. Have fun. Just know that I think you have daddy issues. Just know I think you have i'm saying it's like whatever like if you want to strip i don't care go ahead have fun just know that i think you have daddy issues just know i think you have daddy

issues that's all well when lisa nicole said these girls you know these strippers they have the highest incidence of multiple personality disorder look lisa nicole it's because they use multiple names okay those aren't really personalities she's, have you ever seen the wing room of a stripper's house? It's sad. Well, but I love this heavenly. She's like, I agree with her, but she should have said it in the strip club in front of the hose. Because she was too. She's like, hi there. I'm sorry that you're stuck to the ground right now.

I'll get a spatula to try and clean that up. Oh, and here's my card in case you ever want to make $10 an hour learning how to put hangers the proper way. What kind of career are you offering these women? They're making $1,000 a night shoving their tits in somebody's face. Do you honestly think they want to come fold shirts for you for $10 an hour? Get out of here. Well, Lisa Nicole is full of bullshit because she's all about empowering women. She has these luncheons and these seminars about empowering women and then as soon

as the stripper says oh by the way how's darren the very first thing that lisa does is go after the other women like oh you the other girl put her up to it oh she did this no darren would never do that darren would never come here ever even though he has cheated a lot and he does like when she comes he would never come here blame the other women other women. Yeah, great empowerment, Lisa. Nicole. And also, the one who... She also had the nerve to say this in this episode, which is why I'm loving her, by the way,

when she was saying, Oh, you know, well, we know that stuff happened with Derek. Yes, I hit him. Yes, it was because he was cheating. I told him to leave the house and he wouldn't leave and so I hit him. So what? Big deal.

You know, eventually we went to therapy and we worked through it. And that's why our marriage is stronger. It's like, how did the editors not cut to just a week ago of her being like, If you want to stop talking about it, how about you stop talking about all the mistresses and the affairs? You can't have it both ways, lady. Okay. No, she's becoming more and more ridiculous every single week. all the mistresses and the affairs. You can't have it both ways, lady. She's becoming more and more ridiculous every single week. At least the women on the pole are getting money to do it. Darren was probably just using those

vaginas for free and tossing them back in the water like a generous fisherman. It's like you still caught the fish and made its mouth bleed. You're not nice for throwing it back in the water. We're so empowering to women when meanwhile she's married to somebody who's demeaning women all across Atlanta,

including her stupid face. If there's a demeaned woman with if there's a demeaned woman who needs to learn how to have a little bit of pride and power, it's you, girl. You need to look at home first.

Yeah. Staying with some man who's cheating on you multiple times is not a good marriage. That's called being a sucker. And if anybody needs some therapy, it's probably you. Bye.

What you should have done was left him after the first time. Gone back to school, learned something important. Like the Cuban Missile Crisis was about missiles that were scared of things. They're like, I don't want to go. We're in crisis. That's what I learned. It was about a woman named Miss O who was scared.

We need to be more empowered. A real empowered woman would be covering her face in a place so people don't recognize her as the woman whose husband they fucked for money. Are we getting to a point here? You want to be in a club that smell like ass, are you? You go ahead.

This club's nicer than I thought. I mean, girl, I wouldn't hang out here normal, but if you got a crown and diet, I'm with you. I'll be here. Well, June, I went to a lecture at Cheetos. I'll be here. Well, Drew and I went to a lecture at Cheetah's. I learned a lot of things about things. Go back to school, teach people. How ironic that

Lisa is being confronted about her Cheetah husband in a club called Cheetah. And she's like, what? Why is even the club sign calling my husband a Cheetah? Stop it. Everyone needs to stop judging us. And then Jill's like, stick out the honeypot, okay? And then everybody will stop asking for a taste of the sugar.

Yeah. And Jill was like, I can't believe she would say these things. Like, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, Jill's like, shut up. You just got on the show full time. Congratulations. Just be happy you didn't wind up on the new Atlanta, okay? You wound up on the second tier Atlanta show, not the third one.

Oh, Lord. Well, now, you know, we always called this show an audition for the Real Housewives of Atlanta because it's, like, such a cheap show. They're like, okay, you can start on Married to Medicine first, and if you don't shit on the floor, we'll ask you to be on Housewives of Atlanta. And sure enough, now Mariah is the new rumored nini. Lord help us. That would be crazy.

For next week, we see pictures of Mariah's new face. Doesn't even look the same. She looks like a little Asian girl. I don't even know who that is. She's like a Miss Saigon community theater reboot. Yeah. And what else happens? I think that's fun enough for me.

Good enough. Well, all right, everyone. People are calling us lesbians. It's time for us to unite. Yeah. Well, everyone, thank you all for listening. Hopefully, we will be hearing and seeing from you very shortly.

It's 3 o'clock now when we've recorded this. That means it'll probably be up on the internet at around 4. That means you'll be hearing this around 5.30, which means you've got 15 minutes before that google hangout so oh my god i hope i make it on time i'm i'm rushing because i got to do two gigantic bags of laundry before that you think i can do it in three hours and be at your house you can do it in two hours are you crazy all right man let's see there if i'm late that's why

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