Watch What Crappens - #203: Don't Be All Like Uncool

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ben Mandelker (bsideblog, Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam have a great time laughing at Real Housewives of New York and Secrets and Wives. Paralyzed! Enjoy! Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. This is Lou. I like magazines. I love magazines. Sometimes I even go to the grocery store just so I can look to see what's on them. And this week I was there and I saw Oh! The Oprah Magazine. And I started leafing through this Oh! Magazine because I thought it meant, Oh, be cool. Don't be so un-Oh-cool.

And it turns out it's all about Oprah. And all she does is invite people over to her house and have gardening and grilling and teach you how to be totally chill and cool and talk to the most delicious man ever. I thought, now I am being cool, not all uncool. I thought Oprah had something going on. I mean, I'm seeing her in the Hamptons all the time. And I'll tell you this much. I've never seen that bitch hold a plate of asparagus before. But here she is on O Magazine.

I would be so embarrassed for her if I was in the grocery store. But thankfully, I'm in my own bed curled up at home with a busboy at my ankles. Because I have Next Issue Magazine and I get all of this on my iPad. That's right. Get your free 30-day trial at

nextissue.com slash crappins. Get access to not only Oprah's own private magazine, that's really public, called O Magazine, but also all sorts of fun stuff like Time Magazine and Bloomberg Magazine and Rolling Stone and Men's Health. Dwayne Johnson's on it.

All that fun stuff. David Letterman, happy at last. What's that a quote from? A magazine. I know because I get them. On my iPad. In my bed. with a busboy at my ankles. So please go to nextissue.com slash crappins and get your subscription. It will be delivered right to your little device.

Yes, the Countess has had a long night. It's very hard for her. But you know what, though? If you're hungover, a great way to wake up is on your tablet to read all your favorite magazines. It's like Netflix for magazines. So get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins now and read up, way up, on all your interests. Nextissue.com slash crappins. That's what's shot.

Vanderpump rules. Come gather round and make fun of these fools. The podcast about Bravo. Nothing runs with Bravo. But that's okay. We only care about Bravo. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is?

What happens? What happens? What happens? What happens? What happens? What happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? What happens? What happens?

Who cares what happens when there's so much that Crappens Just thin, slightly sweaty, lotion-smelling, fresh Mexican food-breath Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Great to see you. This is very special because we are not only recording this live in person and not over Skype, we are mere inches from each other's faces because we're trying to cram onto the screen from Periscope. Yeah! each other's faces because we're trying to cram onto the screen from periscope yeah this podcast is actually being broadcast live for those of you who are watching it on periscope all 34 of you we don't get together in real life that much when we record so we figured we'd do it with you guys we

can talk shit with you while we do it sorry i hope we don't get too annoying reading this thing while because i'm just staring at myself the whole time it's's really transfixing. It's like looking in a mirror but then people are talking to you through the mirror. I know. If my mirror was like this at home, I'd feel a lot better

about myself. Everyone's so much nicer than my mirror. My mirror just says like spots and like gum spit or not gum spit, toothpaste spit.

You know when you brush your teeth and get toothpaste spit all over the mirror? Yeah. So we are here. This is the second episode of the week on the Watch What Crappens podcast. We just had some Mexican food and we just watched Real Housewives of New York City and Secrets and Wives.

And Secrets and Wives. Just talk to me through there. Look, we can see each other's face. Yeah, we can just see that. Now, before we get into the shows from this week, we have to, of course, plug our Facebook page, which is so fun and so wonderful. Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Happens. If you're listening to this podcast or if you're watching on Periscope right now, be sure to like Facebook. You guys, it's so good.

People fight over the funnest things. Today, it's not funny. It's like more of a race war today, actually. It's a black hair war. Which you should not. Don't ever mess with a black woman's hair. Everybody knows that. It's a black hair it's a black hair war which you should not don't ever mess with the black woman's hair everybody knows that it's not just hair it is a cultural thing everybody stop talking about black people's hair if you're not a black person did you ever

watch joyce new channel on the amazing race don't discuss this don't be talking about it you don't understand if you don't have to live with it okay yeah one of our periscope uh readers still hbo still hb all the news is on the FB page. So fun. It's true. It actually is a really super fun thing. And also we are very excited because Leah Black, who was on the podcast last week, Leah Black

from Real Housewives of Miami, apparently she was quoted by Andy Cohen on tonight's Watch What Happens. From what she said on our podcast. Yeah, she was saying on the show, I think the housewives are like Seinfeld. It's about nothing, but you're still laughing. So much of masturbation jokes rolled into a sitcom on, you know, whatever.

So she said that, and she was asking us if we'd ever met Andy, too, and we haven't. And then we did a Reddit AMA today, and they were asking us about Andy. No, wait, Andy Cohen does not want to meet us. I can guarantee you that. He does not. And we were like, he does not want to ever hear us or listen to us or whatever.

But then I guess someone at his place did because they heard what Leah said. Yeah. Didn't mention, watch what crap happens though. Thanks a lot, Andy. I think they're like aware and like I said on the AMA, there was that one period of time when I was direct messaging with him and he used to follow me and then he became

famous. Oh not me girl. Girl he followed me. He followed me but no longer. He'll follow me for two seconds and be like bye bitch. You're an awful human being. He dropped me like a bad habit. So anyway so that's Facebook and then of course Patreon. Oh my God the Patreon. We if

you follow us on if you donate to us on Patreon we are very thankful for that. And it really helps us out a lot. And you get access to a bonus episode every week. And, in fact, tonight we did a Google Hangout for people who donate at the $2 level. So if you donate at least $2 a month. That was fun. We should do that again where we, like, hang out while we watch the show.

I like that. Yeah, what happened was we did a Google Hangout. We turned it on, and basically we just let it rip while we watched The Real Housewives of New York City, and what an episode. Oh my god, what a fun episode to have a Google Hangout with. What an episode for the night. This show was so crazy,

and it all started with stupid Dorinda again, crying for no reason, and Heather chasing her out. By the way, one of our Periscope viewers just said, Ben keeps raising one of our periscope uh listener uh viewers just said ben keeps raising one of his eyebrows like why is he doing that john black eyebrow here's the reason why here's the reason why because i can't help it apparently i raise an eyebrow all the time you do you do have and i don't even i don't even know but i'll be talking

and so you're gonna see my eyebrow go up and it'll go down yeah he does the days of our lives thing that's how you act on days of our lives it's involuntary whenever eileen does that on uh real housewives of barely hills i laugh because that shit's contagious everybody on days of our lives is like but what do you mean you need a glass of water dun dun dun like this huge this huge eyebrow lift uh these these um these comments on Periscope are very funny. Someone says, I feel like a teenager here. And someone said, they only got Periscope for this. I feel like a teenager here.

I know. This is like one of those things. You're a cool mom, okay? You're a cool mom because you have an app. I'm contemplating the Patreon subscription if y'all do cereal when it comes back. Well, guess what? We did cereal. Oh, hell yeah, we'll be doing cereal.

When cereal was on, our bonus episodes were often about cereal. I love a homely girl trying to fucking inmate through a radio show, y'all. I'm down. Yeah. Okay. She's like, remember, I just can't imagine you throwing a girl in the back of the trunk in a Best Buy. Tell me

about it with your shirt off. Blink, blink, blink, blink. We'll definitely be on Serial Duty. We're obsessed. We will do it as soon as it's back and many other things. Okay, so Real Housewives of New York. How did it start? I think Real Housewives

of New York started with, I don't want to hear nothing about this, Mr. Jackson. My children went to school in London and France. Nobody ever said the F1 to those children. Nobody ever said it. Hashtag too much rosé. Hashtag drunk.

Hashtag cursing. Hashtag fuck you. Hashtag eat your macaroni in a choo-choo plane. Hashtag you better go outside. Hashtag I'll bet your dead mom's proud now. Hashtag no phone in here for your dead dad to fix. SARS? What the hell, Heather?

Jesus. Yeah. No, Heather was so condescending. And then, you know, I mean, Dorinda, she was drunk, but she picked up on that. She was like, yeah, real great. That's so funny, Heather. That's real funny. I asked you.

Our friendship is pure. Our friendship is pure. You better back the fuck up. I see you every day in the Berkshires. I look up to you, Heather. I look up to you. You're like a sister to me in the Berkshires. I see you when I look up to you.

I see you in the Berkshires. You're all in the Berkshires. And then you do me like this at the table. You start talking about the F word in France with my baby in the 7th grade. Oh, Heather, no! Soather does her patented move which is to get up from the table this is what heather does she's like hashtag fuck you you know what you're so fucking angry you get so crazy i was like okay mama all right let's go you know what let's walk out there it's like oh okay now all of a sudden she's like she goes from being on the attack and being aggro and then all of a sudden she's like, she goes from being on the attack and being aggro, and then all of a sudden, when she realizes that she's caused someone to get mad,

she merely is like, no, I'm the conciliator. I know, she's like, the baby's shitting his pants, I'm taking it to the family bath. It's like you are the shit in the pants, Heather, okay? You can't be the shit and clean the butt at the same time, okay? Shit doesn't clean butts, Heather. So then she goes, she takes Dorinda. She'll be on a card. she takes Dorinda out to the bathroom and Dorinda's like,

we hang out in the Berkshires. I see you all the time in the Berkshires. I don't understand anything about the Berkshires. Ramona appears out of nowhere. It's the only time it's still legal to throw pasta in your wife's face. Ramona appears and is like,

she's upset. Youona appears and is like, she's like, she's upset. You look upset, Dorinda. Because Heather was like, come on, mamas, let's go talk. Let's go outside. No, I like bitches. She's like, no, come on into this bathroom. Come into the staff bathroom.

And Ramona's like, you know what? You know what? I'm sorry. She needs a hug, okay? Okay, you know what? She needs a hug. She needs a hug. I know what she needs. You know what? Heather, I've known Dorinda for years. Okay you know what She needs a hug She needs a hug I know what she needs

You know what She needs a hug I've known Dorinda for years Okay Okay I've known her for 15 years You've known her for 6 months Okay I'm gonna give a hug

A hug with 15 years behind it 15 years of a hug 15 years of memories in this hug Get out of the way It's coming in It's like sunshine It's like a tree It's like sunshine

You can keep circling But my ring of a hug Is always gonna be there Because I've known her for longer Tree rings don't lie. Yeah, it's like, you're Mercury, and I'm Earth, and Earth has a larger orbit around about Dorinda. Okay, here comes the hug.

Sunshine, sunshine. I love this analogy, because it makes me think of sunshine in the middle of it. And Heather's like, you better get out of this bathroom right now, Missy! You get out of here now! Heather, who is not mommying anyone, is like, get out right now and go to, who is not mommying anyone, is like, get out right now and go to your room.

If you don't want me taking that fishnet bathing suit cover, catching a fish with it, starting it on fire, and grounding you for a week, you will get out of this bathroom, Mr. Garth. I know her. She needs a break from you. This is what's called I need a Heather break. Fifteen years ago

she needed them. I didn't even know who Heather was. Now i know diagnosed so then they're like the best part is that like now heather and ramona are yelling and dorinda is like stuck pinned against the wall but she's like looks like a bird she's like the blair witch project she's like in the corner like like not allowed to show her face and she's trying to leave, and Heather's like, no, you were staying here a month. I know her! So anyway, so then finally Heather and... How did that end? Because Heather and

Dorinda finally got some and Heather's like, I love you so much. No, she goes, I'm so sorry that you got so upset, which is like so condescending not like i'm so sorry you got upset at your own drunken behavior i'm so sorry you had that third martini and became a sloppy mess and couldn't understand what i was saying like a normal human being i'm so sorry that you're like that during one time when my niece was a little baby my she

was like three i guess and they're all awful at three you know and um she was crying we were at disneyland and she was sobbing and her dad is like a new age parent like heather like let's talk about that honey and he was like cadence you need to stop crying honey i mean i understand what you're feeling and she said no you don't he said okay explain to me why are you crying and she went i don't know he said well why don't you stop and she said i can't i forgot why i was crying and i can't stop that's so this episode dorinda she's like wait a minute what am i doing in the bathroom i'd never get off that hump in the floor when I'm the Roomba. Get me out of here, Mr. Jetson! So then they finally go back into the bar.

I'm surprised that Luanne... I mean, Luanne was already losing her shit, because they're like... Sonya's like, Lu, Lu, it was you who got her all riled up, Lu. And Luanne's like, me? I didn't get her. What did I do?

I didn't even do anything. I'm sorry, I don't want... I'm just sitting here. Oh my god. I'm sorry I ordered appetizers. I'm sorry. I'm just sitting here. God. I'm sorry I ordered appetizers. I'm sorry I have a modicum of class. I'm sorry I'm the only one here who has a line of paper plates. I'm sorry I don't fucking like the F word.

Did she say that? Yeah, that's what she was doing. She was like, well, you know, I don't want my daughter going to Europe and dropping the F bomb. It's just not what I fucking want. I don't want that. I mean, it's, you know, the N word's fine. When she's drunk in a bush. I mean, that's fine. We'll let it go. Posing nude in want that. I mean, it's... You know, the N-word's fine. When she's drunk in a bush. I mean, that's fine.

We'll let it go. Posing nude in a gallery. I mean, that's fine. It's art, darling. But fuck the F-word, darling. I mean, that is trash. That is trash. I'm not raising a C-word.

Where is our food? We are having dinner. We are having... It is dinner time. I'm the rude one. It is dinner time. Who goes to the bathroom during dinner? This is not the Plaza Hotel

This is Turks and Caicos These are not eggs These are eggs A la Francois I made you eggs A la Francois I mean So anyway

So then Heather And Dorinda come back And then You guys are so funny It's so hard Not reading these Periscope comments As they go by They're so funny Okay go ahead I i know we'll steal them as we go along yeah yeah so um what was what was so funny

and by the way periscope people you may need to remind us of things if we miss them um it was just a lot of yelling fuck and everybody was a victim everybody said they had been victim but it was so passive-aggressive because likeona's like, whoa, Heather, whoa, you were about to punch me in the face. And Heather's like, I know. I really wanted you to. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And you're like, Jesus, you passive-aggressive bitch. Calm yourself down. You're so nasty. She is really nasty. Don't use the F word. Just have sex with strangers. That's what someone said.

Yeah, totally. Luanne's fine with fucking. She's just not fine with saying the F word. Yeah. She's like, F me, daddy like F me daddy F me

Whatever your name is Whoever you are Whoever Ramona brought home It stands for fudge Can I just call you Francois I've been saying it all week Eggs a la fuck I just had some eggs a la Francois

Got them on the bed Sorry Kristen is on Real Housewives of New York As much as Becky and Jackie are on Big Brother 17. Who? So that was a... If we ever have a non-psych

whatever, just know it's coming from Periscope. So anyway, so then I think more or less we transition to the next morning

and I think we may even hear... When no one remembers anything. We see some ribbons on the floor. We see some shit everywhere. And all of a sudden it's like dramatic music and heather's like what huh huh and then you see like heather like running around in her robe you know heather is a total asshole and everybody on this everybody who works on the show i'm not even talking about the house wives i'm talking about thank you i'm not talking about the houses i'm talking about production

they hate her ass and you know because no one's ever shooting heather heather has shown up at like she's up at like five in the morning and she's always showing up everywhere first and the camera crew's not even ready yet they're like oh it's just heather we don't need to shoot wait until luann gets here just just wait and then suddenly we cut into the middle of these scenes and heather's running around screaming calling someone a bitch in a foyer or something. Well, Heather's big issue was she's like, Razzy, wake up. She's like, I just woke up. And she's like, you know, I wake up,

you know, I sleep in the nude, okay? First of all, if anyone should be felt sorry for, it's the guy having to see her walk around nude. No one needs to see that. There's PAs working there. There's people shooting you. Put your clothes on. I mean, seriously, you're on a TV show and you're You know she got a bush like a fucking

What's the kind of bush that God burned for Moses? The burning bush. The burning bush. Giant. That's what I'm saying. Giant talking bush. It's a giant talking bush. Condescending bush. Condescending bush.

She has a condescending bush. Like when you go to have sex with it, it goes, hey, mama, come on in. If Heather was the burning bush from God, she'd be like, Moses, why aren't you killing your son? If you loved me, you'd kill your son? What the hell? No murder, okay? Thou shalt not murder. You're not getting your mac and cheese if you steal something, Moses.

Get out of Egypt right now. Right now. If you want chicken fingers, Moses. Get out of Egypt right now. Right now. If you want chicken fingers, you will get out of Egypt right now. Get out of Egypt right now. Stop dropping the pH bomb, Pharaoh. So anyway, so her issue is she woke up and she saw a naked man in what was formerly Bethany's room. But since she sleeps in the nude, she had walked in there basically naked. She was like still trailing her robe.

So I will allow that. I'm sure it was like startling and embarrassing. She's probably like, holy God, what the fuck? How do you think the PA felt? Who had to look at your burning bush, bitch? Put that shit away. So she starts going, there was a naked man. She's like, Carol, paralyzed. She's like, Carol, there was a naked man. She's like, Carol?

Paralyzed! She's like, Carol, there was a naked man, and I was sleeping, I was nude, and I saw him, and then he was naked too. And then I put on my robe and I went downstairs, and he was downstairs. But she's crying. She's like, well, Carol, there was a naked man. I walked in there because I was naked, and then I walked in, and then he rolled over and he was naked

I agree with Duskborn on Periscope who said I would have been annoyed not hysterical I mean she was really acting like a little girl she was acting crazy yeah so she was crazy she was like getting herself all into a tizzy so then they go downstairs you know we just watched like a two second clip

of Watch What Happens Live and Andy's talking to Carol and Heather tonight. And he's like, well, you know, Bertha from Briscoe County wants to know why Carol has her head up Heather's ass. And Heather's like, oh, people say that. It's silly. Sometimes my head's up her ass. Sometimes her head's up. It's called being friends.

No, it's not. Carol would never act like that. Carol's fucking a kindergartner. You honestly think she cares that anybody's getting dick on vacation yeah no i think that carol was kind of like not coerced but i think that like heather's hysterical behavior kind of like rubbed her like who would do that because carol's normally the one who wouldn't naked man who would be naked in a house. That's disgusting. This is wrong. Yeah, I don't even think that Carol would normally care. So then they're

both in a tizzy now. They're both worked up. And they go downstairs and they see Dorinda wearing her 1978 bathing suit. Dorinda's lumbering around and she's like, what? I don't have my contacts in. What? She's so skinny too, by the way. She's not lumbering because she's fat. She's just lumbering because she's wasted. She's just lumbering because she's wasted.

She's still drunk from the night before. She's like, oh, it's so hard to room the stairs. Dorinda looked like she had just gone twirling around for 20 seconds. I was like, what? Room spinning. How come you two could get a dick in here in five seconds, but I've been asking for a ramp to get down these stairs for a week and nothing. So then, um,

Ramona, um, so then they're like basically like, Ramona, like, it's like, she's like, go check out Ramona. Ramona was the one who brought these guys back. So they go in, and they walk in and Heather's like, hey, singer, oh no, actually that was Luanne who said singer, but she's like, hey, Ramona, like, what's up with the guys?

And Ramona's like, oh no. She walked in there, wake up! Rip open the curtains. Hey, Ramona, what's up with the guys? Ramona's like, oh, no. She walked in there. Wake up. Rip open the curtains. Wake up. Rip open the curtains. How dare you? There was a man who was naked in the house in my room.

Like, suddenly now it's in her room. She's changed this from the adjoining room with the door that was closed to suddenly her vagina. I guess she's any room that Heather's vagina in she owns okay she's like he was in my room he was suddenly in my room do you know how violated I was do you know how almost raped if he might have been awake and attracted to me at all I could have been I could have been I could have been victimized

yeah they were talking about and also like Carol this is Tom Frey or Torn Frey on Periscope Carol's a coin. They're like, Carol's like, my jewels, my jewels were out. Like, first of all, who takes your fancy? My jewels, get out of here. I know, it's like the baseball diamond from the

great Muppet caper. Like, they brought it out. Like, oh no. So then, like, Heather is fully scolding Ramona. Ramona's like lying there in bed, and she's like, Heather is fully scolding Ramona. Ramona's, like, lying there in bed, and she's like, I don't know. Like, talk to Lou.

Talk to Lou. I was saving that car's toy for the hunting farmer when he came home. That could have been stolen. My bush pop. So then they're like, okay, next stop is Lou Anne. So they go marching. Oh, yeah, because what does Ramona do? She's like, okay, next stop is Luann. So they go marching. It's like, oh, yeah, because what does Ramona do? She's like, go ask Luann.

Ramona's like, you know what? I was tired. So, you know what? I just punted it to Luann. The old me would have jumped out of bed and had a fight with you. But it's the new me. And so there's nobody next to me because I'm in a cold bed. So I'm waking up in a cold bed and I hear this voice.

So you know what I say? Press 1 for English. That's it. Go talk to Luann. I'm done. I said, you know what I say? Press once for English. That's it. Go talk to the movies. I'm done. I said, you know what? There's too much sunshine in my bedroom right now. I love sunshine, but there's too much in my bedroom, okay?

Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just don't like the sunshine. It reminds me, when I was a little girl, I would go outside, and if it was cloudy, I knew it would be a good day, because then I knew my dad would be passed out somewhere. But if it was sunny, that meant he'd be day drinking, and he'd be abusive, and he'd call up Geraldine Parsons-Smith,

and they'd go push-play monkey in the middle with me, and I could never get the ball, and it was always a terrible day. You know what I don't like? I don't like being woken up, because one time when I was a little girl, the alarm went off, and my mom didn't hear it, because she had an ear infection, and my father came in with a plate of spaghetti,

and he dumped it on her head, and he said, Wake up, you dumb bitch. I can't eat spaghetti and every time an alarm goes off, I poop myself. That's it. I'm staying in bed. Talk to Luanne. The only good part about that story

is that the plate that the spaghetti was on was yellow and it reminded me of sunshine. Except that I remembered about my father's day drinking and then I tried to cut my own throat with the sunshine plate. I'm so confused! One time, I was like, okay, I figured this out. Ramona, this is what you do.

You bring a little crate. At this time, when they play monkey in the middle with you, you get on the crate, you catch the ball. But you know what? I got on the crate, they threw the ball higher. You know what? I can't win. I'm sorry.

I hate a sunny day, but I love sunshine. Sorry, it's day class A. You know what? It's day class A. They changed the rules. You know what I always wanted to say? Luann has always wanted a job. And finally, she's day class A. You know what? It's day class A. They changed the rules. You know what I always wanted to say? Luann has always wanted a job. And finally, she's an almost-raped counselor.

Go talk to Luann. So they walk in, and Luann is like, Hello, this is Luann. Have you possibly almost been raped? Maybe. Could have been. Did a busboy look at you funny? Call me.

Yeah. So Luann is, like, lying in bed, and she's like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I think the guy's left. I don't know i don't know what's going on they're still pacing back and forth like 67 toothpicks 67 toothpicks 67 toothpicks what are you doing in here get out of here so then finally they go back to the kitchen whatever then luanne luanne comes down looking like a badass she has her robe open she's in like

her bra or baby girl you know you have some self-confidence if you'll wear horizontal stripes over your vagina at that age and it wasn't even like she was trying to look like she was just like fully like she just like like she got off a horse and she's like literally she probably did she and she gets right up his name was david and she gets right or john and she gets whatever i don't care i don't know she gets she gets right, or John. Whatever. I don't care. I don't know. She gets right up in Heather's face, and she does this thing. She goes, oh, you're going to cry now because of the man? Oh, what?

You're going to come down here and cry because of the man? Oh. I thought you were cool, Heather. Whatever gave you that impression? And she's like, when was Heather ever cool? Because she said mamas and get back up on the curb occasionally? No. Well, later in the episode, Heather did say,

goodbye, Felicia. Goodbye, Felicia. Goodbye, Felicia. Sincerely, Heather. It's dinner time, okay? No, but what I loved is that, so then she's like, what, I mean, she's like,

it's just a guy, and Heather's like, well, you wouldn't be alarmed if you woke up and there was a naked man in the house? And Luan's like, not really. Not really. Whatever.

So then Luan, and after the commercial break, Luan is like doing this, and she's like, not really. So then Luan, and after the commercial break, Luan is like doing this. It's like, I thought you were cool. Don't be all, she's like, don't be uncool.

I thought you were one of the cool ones. I mean, whatever. She's a guy, whatever. Don't be cool. Don't be all uncool,

whatever. And she just, she just gets just furious. And the poor chef, it's like he's seen the rest of the season. He's just sitting there holding his knives like,

don't anybody try to fuck me. I swear to God, I'll cut it off right now. She's like he's seen the rest of the season. He's just sitting there holding his knives like, don't anybody try to fuck me. I swear to God, I'll cut it off right now. She's like, we'll make eggs out of it. They do it in France like that occasionally. So then Luanne's like, where's the singer? Where's the singer-stinger? Happy Bastille Day. She's like, where's the singer-stinger?

So she walks in there. She's like, what's going on? It's crazy. And Ramon's like, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. I mean, why would they go to your room? Who would do that? That's stupid.

Can you close the blinds? There's too much ridiculous ridiculous then luann comes out and she's like she has this look on her face like whatever she's just mad and heather just like it's like just never ending from heather and luann is just going crazier and crazier this is the first time we've seen how to get that crazy right well no she's gotten crazy before but this is the first time she was in hysterics, I think. Oh, that shit was so good. Oh, my God. But then Kristen, she's like, guess what, guys?

I just got an earful from Alistair, the houseman. She's like, apparently, Alistair, the houseman, was not going to let these guys come into the house last night. But then the women insisted that they come in. And Luanne's like, well, yeah, of course. Of course we did. We brewed. And Kirsten's like, and apparently there was a lot of making out on the porch,

and Luanne's like, well, yeah. Yeah, I remember that part. Yeah, I remember that. I still taste like a thin man. Fantastic. Wonderful. And then Kirsten goes, and apparently, Luanne,

the one you were making out with, was married. And Luanne's like, well... I mean... Luann's faces were so funny because that bitch was still drunk too. She was drunk and she's like, do I get mad at her? Do I own this? Do I be the countess? Is it dinner time?

Are we... It's dinner. It's dinner. Listen, at least this one's not stealing from other boats on the sea all right what do you want from me yeah so heather was like real classy luann real classy married with like fooling around with a married man well guess what that's on the married man's part that's not on luann so get off and heather's such an asshole she's like yeah yeah luann you were sleeping with a married man. You know what? That's also un-cool.

Steel HB has a very good point on Periscope, which is that you'd think by now Bravo would have cameras going 24-7. I mean, after St. John's, when Luan brought back Johnny Depp, I mean, I agree. There should be hidden cameras all over this place. Yeah.

David? David? Why would they do Luan? They should just have MJ from Shaws of Sunset hiding behind pillars everywhere. Everybody will be like, is that a muffin top behind that column? No, darling, we're in Turks and Caicos. There's not fat people here. Just ignore it.

And then the next thing you know, it's like Luan blowing some guy in a hotel hallway. MJ, the new murder she wrote. The new Gigi she tried to fuck. How would that work? So then, after all this disaster, finally the women go back. Murder she tried to fuck? I don't know.

I can't make that work. Sorry. We're going to edit that out. By the way, thank you. Everyone's so nice to us on Periscope. Don't read it. Don't compliment me. By the way, I should also mention

that Periscope, it stays up for like a day. So if you're missing it now, live, you can just go watch it. Too bad, because I'll delete it tomorrow when I look at myself and worry about my double chin. Oh, please, Ronnie. We went to Mexican right before this. You're not allowed to complain about being fat when you have mole. I had a really fat, greasy chili relleno. I had a chocolate enchilada wrapped in a flour tortilla

with chips and sour cream on top. That's right, suck it, mother! Can you tell I'm going to see my mom tomorrow? I have such mommy issues. We actually almost had dinner at the Sunset Grill. And then we just went to sleep. Oh, you guys, we went to the Sunset Grill because we were like, oh my god, it's...

Yes, I'm sober. How dare you, Timmy. We're like, let's watch what crap and you know field trip day because we're together all day let's go to let's go somewhere where those guys go and so we went to that sunset grill where jacks takes his dates yeah that place serves spaghetti bolognese hamburgers pad thai they'll sell you a fucking goat on a spit they'll like chinese food they don't care the burgers were five $5. No wonder why Jax took Carmen there. Yeah. Poor Carmen. Oh, poor Carmen.

So anyway, so after... Are you hot? Do you want me to turn on the air conditioning? No. Could you take off my skin suit, darling? It's hanging on the back of the chair. I'm always hot. It's 77 degrees in here, Ronnie. That is hot, Ben, actually. Do you have central air, darling? I'm going to turn it on right now. I mean, come on. Who has central air and then sits in the heat like this? This is ridiculous,

yeah? Well, I thought the air conditioning was on. This is called fat shaming. We did it. We put the air conditioning on. Okay. Kristen got Botox on Periscope today. Seriously? Seriously?

Paralyzed. My face is paralyzed. This is going to be so annoying to listen to. Okay. So anyway, so the women go back to New York, and then we have our post-game analysis. Oh, is that how it ended? That's so sad.

I wish there was more in the trip. I love the trip. Well, no, but the second half of the episode was crazy, too. Oh, okay, because they had that stupid Kristen party. So what happened was... Kristen had the remember-when-somebody-sweat-on-me party, and everybody had to come bedazzle fake jewels to shit. Well, so the first thing that happened was that, like, when somebody sweat on me party and everybody had to come bedazzle fake jewels to shit.

Well, so the first thing that happened was that like, the first thing was that like, so Bethany met up with Dorinda and was it Luanne or was it Ramona? It was Carol. It's always Carol with Bethany. Yeah.

Because Bethany is like Vicky where she secretly hates all people younger than her. Yeah. So she's like, oh, look, it's an old person. Cup. Cup's up with me.

I'm not sleeping. Look, I'm awake. It's Carol. Carol's here. Carol's like. Someone on Periscope said that Heather turned whiter as the episode went on. It's like, was she ever less white? It's like a saltine losing all the toast spots.

Like, who's been tapping the saltine, damn it? So anyway, you were saying about Carol. Yeah, so that was the second. Oh, yeah. Carol's like, hi, thanks for meeting me at Luby's. Bethany's like, I mean, I don't care. What is this? This place is boring, man.

I'm exhausted. I need a wall around my menu. She's like, you won't believe the fight. Somebody cussed, and then somebody got dick. And then she was acting so cool about it. She's like, what a big deal. Somebody got fucked in the thing. And Bethany's like, so what? Someone got dick? Alright, fine.

That's the first time there's been a dick in my bed in 20 years, so good for you. I think that at a certain point, Bethany was like, yeah, that's what they described it. Bethany's like, you know, it would have been one thing if there was a man, if there's a woman in the bed with him, whatever, but yeah, that's not cool. Which, I mean, been one thing if there was, like, a man in the, if there's a woman in the bed with him, whatever, but I'm like, yeah, that's, you know, that's not cool.

Which, I mean, that's true. It was, like, not cool, but it also, it was not something like to, like, get out the torches and to, like, you know, go crazy in the house with hysterics and crying and tears. Jesus. Oh, fuck who you want. You know, you're not doing it on the street or in a schoolyard. I mean, who cares? Yeah.

So then Bethany then raised her issue which is she's like you know what kristen's been anybody drink skinny girl did anybody move skinny girl off the counter because there was skinny girl the whole time it's like that was the second character they're like who who are the guys you fucked and luanne's like skinny girl no one's drinking skinny girl vitamins darling so then um sorry no no it's fine so then bethany was like uh she was like you know kristen's been talking about me in the media she's talking about maybe she's talking shit about me in the media like in the press oh yeah bethany she's like i don't like she's talking about me like that in the media i mean i saw it on instagram well she was because kristen basically

magazine or whatever yeah well then but kristen something to the effect of like, yeah, I'd heard some things about her but don't judge a book by its cover. Which was... That's not mean. I don't think there's nothing mean there. It's not like she met her and then went on and was like, well, I've been sweat on and Bethany is a C word. And that's it. Bethany took it as, oh my god, I'm not as

hot as my logo. Oh my god, I can't believe she would say that about me. First of all, isn't she black in her logo? Or is that Switch the Bitch? There's one, it's the same logo, basically. Sorry, I keep touching your knees. It's some matte clip art. No, I love it.

It's some matte clip art, you know, from like 1985. Flip the Bitch. It's like, Flip the Bitch is like the Stealing the Skinny Girl and then Omarosa's title.

Flip the Bitch. No, that is called Skinny Girl. Mine is called Thin Woman. Okay? Thin Woman. Thin Woman. I want that is called skinny girl. Mine is called thin woman. Okay? Thin woman. I want it on all of these.

I'm going to have a winter party. I want everything white and thin girls. I just want thin girls. Thin girls. Thin girls. Wait, there's a cookie called thin mint. Well, that's totally different. I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out. Skinny mint. Skinny mint. Pepper mint. Salt mint. All right? I'm going to have a salt skimming peppermint salt mint all right I'm gonna have a salt mint after two my beeper off getting text messages romantic romantic is sexting you dude it's like he's in Austin right now that's 1240 in Austin girl he's gone someone whose name rhymes with fama Nick has a rhymes with

the loner starts withs with a me. Better get in there, darling. I'm still monologuing. I'm just going to go back into the bathroom. I'll just make Lisa Vanderpump do the rest of New York. Darling, here's what we do. We're going to take some tuna tartare. We're going to package it into UPS.

Send it five-day delivery to Austin, Texas. Give it to your boyfriend. He'll never forget you. And it'll smell just like Ramona's room did when she was done with that bus boy. Okay, so where are we? All right, so then, okay, so then

Bethany's like, what? What's the big deal? Who cares? What? So what? Who cares? What?

Huh? What? What? And then, who else showed up? Dorinda did. Dorinda. And Carol's like,

oh, Dorinda, remember when you got crazy? And Dorinda's like, oh, Dorinda, remember when you got crazy? And Dorinda's like, no, what are you talking about? We had a fun time. Wasn't that fun? She's like, no, but remember when you went nuts? And she's like, no. Nope. Nope, don't remember that.

So then, I don't... When Bethany's looking at you like this, you know you're in trouble, because that bitch Cray. Okay? That bitch Cray did her own birthday party in the bathroom with, like, a hundred people looking. Yeah. this you know you're in trouble because that bitch cray yeah okay that bitch cried at her own birthday party in the bathroom with like 100 people looking yeah um so then after that people of periscope help us well what happened next it's a little hard this was the this was the party where uh stupid kristin's like you know what this by the way this i can never do it on the audio podcast because this is how kristin talks she's like her teeth are always out. She's like, she talks

with her front teeth. If there was ever an accent based on Kristen, you would have to have your tongue up to your nose. Well, so we don't really remember. Okay, then Bethany did a straight up Perfect Doritos impersonation. Yeah, Bethany did. So we did, since we were doing our hangout

during the show, some of the things were a little foggy for us because we started talking. No notes. It's all from memories. From an hour ago. An hour. We could just skip forward to Kristen was in a box on the table

waiting to be opened. Kristen, yeah. She's like, guys, I'm going to have a party. And the location, when you see it on the e-buy, it's going to be a little confusing because the location is outside a box because I want you all to be outside the box with me so i'm bring a glue gun i okay this is going to

be a party about glue gunning fake jewels to things so please bring um an ice pick a glue gun and jeans to glue things to okay thank what what the fuck kind of hostess are you what you're going to pull some dollar store christmas gold shit on put it on your neck and that's going to be your outfit what are you doing the backstory i think is it on your neck and that's going to be your outfit. What are you doing? The back story, I think, is that Kristen decided that she wanted to have a fundraiser for kids who have cleft palate things. A model. A model with a perfect fucking smile doing charity for cleft palate children. That is just not right.

Admit it. Admit it. Okay? Pick a pretty person charity. You know? Pretty people suffer from things look at the glove pallet kids next to me maybe it's because

they do this and that's kind of like her smile either way her plan was to do a denim and diamonds fundraiser and in anticipation of that they were going to take a bunch of yummy jeans

which for some reason were available overbite charity and in anticipation of that, they were going to take a bunch of yummy jeans, which for some reason were available. Overbite charity, someone wrote on Periscope. This is for dentistry. For the children with missing legs and overbites. Someone on Periscope says, Kristen and Bethany can't be together because Kristen is outside of boxes, but Bea has no walls.

I'm sorry, I hope I read that. Wolf! Yeah, so she's having this denim and diamonds party. She's looking terrible. She tells them to bring an ice pick. An ice pick and a glue gun. It sounded like a murder mystery to me. Or basic instinct.

Does anybody have an ice pick? And Ramona's like, no, I left it on the bed and the turkeys and the cuckoos because you scared me. You scared me half to death. I had the ice pick there ready to kill him when he found out I was the killer. Which he never did. Gone. Ice pick gone. Forget it. I had the ice pick there, ready to kill him. When he found out I was the killer, which he never did. Gone.

Ice pick gone. Forget it. I'm looking ice now like a crazy person. You know what? I think so. Okay. You know what? Someone stole the ice pick.

It was the naked man. You should have been worried. He stole an ice pick. It was Carol's bejeweled ice pick. Carol's like, what if he stole the ice pick? He could have been staring at us. He could have been staring at us. He could have been staring at us! There's a beautiful

ocean to look at instead. What if we were stuck here on vacation without ice that was picked? What if he stole my bejeweled ice pick and we just had a giant block that we'd have nothing to do but ice luges? Oh no.

block that we'd have nothing to do but ice luges oh no my 25 year old kid that i'm not fucking but i'm in a meaningful relationship with loves an ice luge they do them all the time in nicaragua that shit was funny so anyway um so anyway there's this they basically go to this apartment And this lovely old gay man And they're gluing jewels They're bejeweling Carol's leftover stock Which I'm surprised is not They're Heather's That's not sold on the shelves

I'm shocked Especially when you're selling skinny Like you're selling Spanx for skinny people That makes no sense Those jeans were all this pink You know who wears Spanx? Me Okay You think I'm gonna fit into that? My pinky fits into that What the fuck? You don't know your market people that makes no sense those jeans were all this pink you know who wears spanks me okay you

think i'm gonna fit into that my pinky fits into that what the fuck you don't know your market first of all you stole spanks admit it heather it's stolen that's not your idea second of all you spelled the yummy wrong third of all there's already a company called yummy you know what they do they deliver food to people who are too fat and embarrassed to leave their house to get food what the fuck kind of monster are you heather that's my question it's true it's true so um uh let's call it snickers let's find a fat let's let's find a girdle only for thin people and call it snickers fuck you heather thompson so anyway what what happens is that um jill that's okay jill, it's okay. Jill.

No, it's funny because I actually get to see what you look like when you're struggling trying to figure out what to say. Because I can see you in the periscope. You're like, oh, then. No, I'm just like. I'm just like. Like, that reminds me of the time I went bowling in El Paso when I was 10. I'm Lebanese. And you're like, uh.

I just nod and I wait for the gap. And I'm like, so anyway. And I usually have to do it about three times and then we get going. Listen, you don't have to apologize. It's because we're talking remotely. I was the one who was pushing the Julia Roberts joke on our earlier podcast for like ten minutes today.

I was like, wait, here's another Julia Roberts reference. You were wrapping it up. I was like, hey, it reminds me of the Julia Roberts Ocean 11. So anyway, but my pained look is also me trying to remember even what I was seeing. So the crafting, they're crafting. Oh, my God, that crafting thing. First of all, there's no crafts at this thing, okay? There's fake diamonds that are already in shapes and a few colored feathers.

That's it. That's all there was. And then terrible, ugly, overstockedstock skinny people jeans spelled wrong okay and kristen's like she like puts a star and then kristen you can tell bitch has never been on the subway because she puts diamond stars on the butt how are you supposed to sit down like that some women are idiots like honestly just watching someone craft you learn a lot about so they're crafting in silence because when beth got it, you know, Bethany is pissed at Kristen for what she said. So when Bethany's pissed, the way she walks into a space is like this. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

And then she's just like. Yeah, this is Bethany when she's pissed. She's like, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. She does this thing where she does a quick hi and then she looks away. Like, she's always, like, looking where she can put her jacket. She goes, hi. Yeah, she walks straight to a corner and starts talking to an employee or someone that she can talk down to without slapping her in the face. So then they start crafting and they're crafting in silence because they are all so angry.

Because at this point, Kristen knows that Bethany is mad at her and Bethany is mad at Kristen. And they're crafting. Talk about me in the press. And then Bethany's like, hey, do me a favor. Do me a favor. Don't talk about me in the press, okay? Just don't do it, okay? My walls are up, okay? Walls up, up, up. If you don't want to find yourself on the

cover of Cleft Palette magazine for this charity, you won't talk about me in the public again. And Kristen's like... Kristen, who I'm imagining you had to word out edgewise from the golden pine cone she's put on her collar. She's like, I would nod, but I would start bleeding from the golden pine cone she's put on her collar she's like I would nod but I would start

bleeding from the neck and I would die I have put giant burrs on my neck and it's from this movie Saw and if I talk they're gonna

puncture my throat sorry sorry I got sweated on so so then Kristen and that was so funny

don't talk about me in the public. Who are you, Obama? Like, what do you have, some like secrecy class? Get out of here. Yeah. Bethany was like, if you want to be my, that's not the way to be my friend. And then Kristen's like, who said I want to be your friend? Which, by the way, good for her, I think.

Except that you said it like 20 times this season. Exactly. But she's pretty. Also, you know what else I'd like to point out? Of course you judge a book by its cover. Yeah. Of course you do. Also, you know what else I'd like to point out? Of course you judge a book by its cover. Yeah. Of course you do.

Why do you think Oprah books sell a lot? Because there's a big O on them and some decent artwork. If you don't want to be judged by your cover, then why do you have a Skinny Girl brand?

Otherwise, everyone will just be fat asses. Yeah, if you don't want to be judged by your cover, why don't you put a fat black person on it instead of your skinny, fake, black ass,

Bethany? I'd have to see if Skinny Girl logo is black. I don't you put a fat black person on it instead of your skinny fake black ass bethany i have to see if skinny girl logo is black i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore emmy romano says i was waiting for bethany to iron on a skinny girl patch totally she's like you know what children with cleft palate needs less skinny girls less sugar less sugar in their margaritas telling you skinny orphan margaritas so so anyway so then they they start fighting and then

and they're and and Kristen's like I meant it as a compliment which is that I'd heard bad things about you and I discovered that you're pretty cool

and I was like but you're adding fuel to the fire adding fuel to the fire you see the fire when people ask you if you've met me and you say yes I mean you know what that is that's pouring gasoline on the fire you see the fire when people ask you if you've met me and you say yes I mean do you know what that is

that's pouring gasoline on the fire you know when we go camping you know what we do we say we've met Bethany the fire starts what are you talking about you know what fires do they burn down walls and I want my wall up I want my wall up but the thing is that like Bethany

you know what the biggest contributor the biggest contributor if there's smoke about this Bethany it's probably because you are a very public person and people see what your personality is and they can see that you are kind of, like, all angles and tough. So if you want to change that, don't go after Kristen for saying, oh, wow, turns out she wasn't so bad. If you don't want people calling you an asshole, don't be an asshole, asshole okay why is it okay for you to go on tv and call everybody an asshole

and call her stupid behind her back bethany get over yourself really so although i do like you now back on tv i do no i'm actually i'm totally pro bethany these days i think like i've said but many times beginning of the season she was a little not great but now she's i think gotten into classic bethany mode i'm i'm down down with Bethany again. But then she took Kristen out to the balcony, and they talked it out some more. And it's like, I just have my wall up. I just have my wall. I just did a Ramona voice. It's hard to not do them.

I don't really do a Bethany because it always turns into Ramona. Well, by the way, because during this time, Bethany, I mean, Ramona has showed up. Molle burp. It's okay. You can molle burp. I understand. I'll have my Chirino burps. Chocolate enchiladas showed up. Molle burp. It's okay. You can molle burp. I understand. I'll have my... Molle. I'll have my cherry relleno burps.

Chocolate enchiladas, darling. God bless you, Mexico. I think Ramona had shown up wearing the yummy jeans, and then Heather's like, I don't know what I think I like more, the fact that Ramona's ass is in my jeans, or that she's kissing my ass. Ha ha ha!

I'm like, shut up. No one kissed your ass, stupid. Yeah, I can't believe someone was kissing her ass. Like, that's such a violation. They took off her clothes to kiss her ass. That's rude. Who did that? There was a naked person in the same room as me.

And my pants were in there, too. There was a naked person in my pants. I just discovered that all these naked people are wearing my pants. Wear underwear. Who doesn't wear underwear with their yummies? Stupid Heather. Underneath those yummies,mies they're naked they're naked under there this fight turned so fucking stupid i was laughing hard because i could not even follow what the hell these people were talking about because you've got bethany like i don't want you telling anybody that you've ever met me and kristen's like uh-huh

but when they say like have you met bethany you're on the same show what should i say she's like say you don't know her that's it that's all you say that's what you say you don't know it's like, uh-huh. But when they say, like, have you met Bethany? You're on the same show. What should I say? She's like, say you don't know her. That's it. That's all you say. That's all you say. You don't know her. It's like, what is this? That's all you say.

That's it. That's it. So we think, at this point, we think, oh, this is a major fight. But little did we realize that in the three days, three or four days since they've gotten back from Trucks and Caicos, Luann has become incensed that Heather had come barging into her room. Oh, I'm not pissed. I'm living. So Luanne walks into the scrapbook. I wrote a song about it. I'm so mad

I'm going to rise to the top of the iTunes charts and show all of you. Luanne, when she gets mad, she sort of thrusts her shoulders back and forth and she's like, who am I going to direct my rage at first? I mean, I don't know. Like, Heather, we have to go to the couch rage at first? I mean, I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like,

Heather, we have to go to the couch. We have to go. I have to talk to you right now, Heather, right now. So they go back there. I hope you're not mad

at me, mamas. Hey, mama. Hey, mamas. I hope you're not mad. Real nice.

I'm not mad. I'm livid. I'm livid. Who do you think you are to come into my room, break and barge into my room? You know how

disrespectful that was? You victimized me in my own room. Yeah. Like, why is everybody so victimized? And you know how disrespectful that was you victimized me in my own room yeah like why is everybody so victimized and you know as much as heather was crazy before and i love luann and i this should have been no more than an annoyance been like you know what by the way that was really uncool when you came into my room she still hates heather for trying for telling everybody she tried to get a free dress from someone who made something for obama once yeah that bitch don't let anything that wasn't heather who did that no carol oh carol i always get them confused sorry yeah well she got and then she's like and then heather's like no carol that is like it's

like we don't need i'll call i'll call carol i will call carol yeah and then she's like carol even called me to apologize for your behavior and she like, Mama never said that to me, but goodbye, Felicia. And they bring Carol and Carol's like, no, you misunderstood everything. I didn't say that. And then Luanne's like, bring in Ramon. It was like, bring in Mayor

de Blasio. You know what? I want a line of cops. I want a line of cops coming in when people come in here to glue jewels to things. And I want the cops to face away from Heather all at the same time. Because that's the kind of abuse that we're protesting today. It was just funny because she was not angry about the fact that they accused her of a... She was angry that they barged in and violated her privacy.

No, she was mad. And she actually said it at one point, and Heather was like, that is not what we tried to do. But it was. Luann was like, here you are. It's the early morning. Basically, the way I was like, listen, you know what? Fuck some busboy. You know I had a foursome with the stinger, okay,

on these horrible IKEA sheets. It's five in the morning. You barge into my room with a camera crew to try and catch me doing something wrong. Well, sorry, you didn't catch me. And Heather's like, uh-uh, that's not what we were doing, mamas. Bitch, yes, it is. That's why you waited for a camera crew to follow you in there. Bitch, you think we're stupid?

We've been watching this stuff. I watch cops. Yeah. That's what cops do. They're like, wait until the camera crew gets here. We're going to catch an old lady fucking. So then Heather drags Dorinda into it. She's like, you know what, Luann?

You've had someone riling you up. And it was Dorinda. Dorinda was on the phone. Dorinda's like, wow, wow, wow. And then Sonya's the one who's like, back the fuck up. At this point, even Sonya's making fun of Dorinda. Yeah. She's like, you better watch it, mister.

I'm going to shove your balls down your throat. Right, guys? Dorinda's like, I don't know what you're I'm going to shove your balls down your throat. Right, guys? Dorinda's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know who you're imitating. Meanwhile, Dorinda's just bumping her head against the living room wall, trying to wait for the room to turn around so she can finish up the damn carpet. Like, why do I keep hitting the same wall? I don't understand what's happening.

She's like, don't bring me into it, Mr. Jetson. She's like, don't bring me. I want more teaching, less preaching. So then, but then Heather then starts getting so condescending. She's like, you know what, Luann, we have to squash this because I don't want to drag her into it. You know, I don't want to bring her, you know, because then it becomes crazy because then she loses her mind. It's like Dorinda's like right there. It's like, I mean, Dorinda's crazy.

We all know Dorinda's insane, right? Dorinda's like, what? Sheinda's insane right Dorinda's like what she has a widow right she has a fat boyfriend she's really crazy she did kind of say something like that didn't she well you know Dorinda's having a rough time because you know I mean how would you feel having to wake up

next to 500 pounds of stretch marks every day and pick all that hair out of your shower and a daughter with a daughter with a mouth of a sailor. I mean, oh, Jesus. Embarrassing. Wow, her mother must be so ashamed of her. No wonder she's getting so drunk and yelling the F word in restaurants and foreign places.

God bless her. Let's get her some help. Great mama. So then Heather and Luanne. Dorinda, just do this maze on the back of the Captain Crunch box. You'll feel better, okay? And at this point, I think Dorinda actually just stormed out of the crafting session and then Heather and Luanne

had this really I want my daughter to see me doing some glue cutting thing in the middle of France when she's in the 7th grade who says that fuck you guys and then Luanne and Heather had this totally insincere hug which is on the heels of Heather being like you know what Lu, Luanne, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I came into your room. I'm sorry I fucking woke you up. And Luanne's like, don't sit like that. Then they hug. I don't want you to say you're sorry like that. I want you to say. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'll see you next time. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance

at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I'm really, really sorry that I messed with your snatch, alright? That I violated girl code. Which is the name of my new song, which is based on what you don't know.

I love when she said girl code. She's like, that is not girl code. I was like, you really wrote a whole song about somebody barging into your room? Because you know that's what girl code is. She's like, girls, do you go into each other's room at five in the morning? No, it's not girl code. No. So I think that's more or less where that episode ended.

I was so sad when it ended. Let's move on to some trash. So let's go from Manhattan. Let's get on. Let's get on to go over the Triborough Bridge, go through Queens and make our way to Long Island. Long Island. And then we're sure we

do things different here. Some people use suntan lotion. Some people wait for the sun to burn them. Then the skin starts ripping off and you start seeing the price tag of the implants under it. That's how we do it in the North Shore. I'm just surprised we found these ladies because the GPS sucks, okay? Yeah, Gord. And then I discovered I was going the wrong way.

It sucks. I asked the GPS if my husband was Yeah, Gordon. And then I discovered I was going the wrong way. It sucks. I asked the GPS if my husband was having sex with somebody on his iPhone, and it took me to Denny's. What does that mean? Fucking GPS. Secrets and Wives. I know not everybody watches this because they ain't even putting this shit on. Deli shows are easy. None of the online places that you steal shit, it's nowhere there.

People are like, nope, we're not even watching that shit for free. Bye. We're still on the East Coast, and you know that because everybody's in a horrible pattern horrible okay but here no one has suntan lotion and their boob skin is literally peeling all of them liza's boobs are about to fall out she could take those things back to ross dress for less that's how much she's showing she i love how every time you mention ross you always call it ross dress for this is cold i mean i, but I just feel it's funny. Ross doesn't get a nickname.

I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed with the whole name. Ross gets no nickname, Tony. But yeah, the women on those shows are so gross. And on this one, they're also still being violated on the East Coast. Everybody's been violated this week on the East Coast. You know what? I was in the bouncing machine.

I was in the bouncing machine. And Jonathan, he stuck his thumb up my ass. Stuck his thumb right up my tushy. I was violated. I was paralyzed. I was paralyzed. bouncing machine. I was in the bouncing machine, and Jonathan, he stuck his thumb up my ass. Stuck his thumb right up my tushy. I was violated. My tushy. I was paralyzed. I was paralyzed. I suddenly felt a thumb up there.

And I thought, wait a second. I'm not pooping. It's going the wrong way. Oh, my God. You see, there's a thumb. That's not why I go into bouncy houses. That's not why I go. You stick a thumb up my ass, you better buy me a real house.

That's how we do it in the North Shore. So, I think, like, yeah, I think the episode began mainly with just general gossip about Jonathan I think Corey and Gail went to go see a skin person to get their face and they had a close up of Gail's face giant crease going down here I was like oh girl she looked like okay

it was like the part on like Mission Impossible that was like the crease that you reach your fingers into to pull your face off and reveal that you're like Kristen Scott Thomas I was like the crease that you reach your fingers into to pull your face off. Yes. And reveal that you're like Kristen Scott Thomas. I was gonna say, she looks like probably the middle of an action shot

in the Transformers movie where the car's about to change from like, I don't know, like a pickup truck into a big scary monster. And it's just like all the veins start like,

or like the Hulk. Yeah. It was just veins. And she's relaxed. She was like relaxed. She's like, so how's your husband? Is he still cheating on you?

Because mine's not. I control everything and he's totally in love with me. And her veins are like, boom, boom, boom. It's like a river run through it, darling. Not an Oscar winner after all. Darling, it was like Teen Wolf, except it was Geriatric Wolf. The transformation was happening. MTV transformations yeah so I'm trying to

I think why don't you steer this one because you understand oh because my notes oh god auto correct god help us on these Gail's neck yeah Gail and Koro which I'm assuming means Corey thumb up the butt this auto correct sucks they talk about the thumb up the butt and this is so funny to me

because they're always talking about like whose husband is disrespecting who. But they're all so disgusting. Gord's like, oh, here we are getting a face. What were they getting? A facial? They were getting their fucking neck veins flushed or whatever. They were getting more fluid for it. They were getting a tune up.

So she's like, whatever. Do whatever you got to do. I don't think that. Are we still on the Wi-Fi? Well, I don't know. I don't think that Are we still on the wifi? Well, I don't know, I guess there's probably a smudge on the lens Probably a smudge here, darling You can't see Well, is it like a bad connection?

Well, now they're all confused All our Periscope fans are confused Well, it's because of stupid things Should we stop it again? I do not have time to sew together an episode We have to do our episode. So Periscope people, you better catch up. Yeah, we hear. Which camera are you using?

Just audio. All right, we'll come back again. Let's try it one more time. Stupid Periscope, you piece of shit. Motherfucking shit. Paralyzed. Someone's taking a film of Periscope's ass. So while you fix that, we'll talk about, I'll talk about what was going on on the show.

So basically, everyone was talking about the thumb up the ass. It was like, did you hear? Did you hear? Did you hear that Jonathan stuck his thumb up Liza's ass in the bouncy castle? But someone called it the bouncy machine. It was just like this machine to encourage bounciness. It's like, I went to the bouncy machine and I got a thumb up my ass. I felt violated.

I'm so violated. Now, to be fair, it actually is pretty violating to have someone stick their thumb up your ass. But if he's sick, I mean, how far could his thumb

have been up her ass? Yeah, it's not like she's wearing assless chaps. I mean... Yeah, she was wearing like a full dress and I'm assuming underwear. Like, how far

was that thumb up her butt? Give me a break. Yeah, yeah. I was violated! Give me a break. So, violated! Give me a break. So it's sexual harassment if he doesn't lease you a car. These women. Like, where do these standards come from with these women? She's like,

if he'd given me a gum drawer, he could have put five children up my ass. I wouldn't care. But nope. It was a bouncy house and they were serving hot dogs. No. No thumb up my ass. I was violated! And then I think that then was it... Oh, I'm supposed to be looking at notes, aren't I? At some point... Andy thumb up

ass. Oh, and then Andy, who has no storyline of her own, she just shows up on everybody else's story and says things like, why is your husband so awful to you? She says that to basically everybody. You know, I've been married three times, twice to a guy with old man bouffant, and you know what? I've heard a lot times. Twice to a guy with Old Man Buffant.

And you know what? I've heard a lot of things. Did you check the picture when she was showing two of her ex-husbands? One of them, I swear to God, looked like Phyllis Diller's father. He was like Old Man time. One of them literally had Liza's... A cuckoo came out of his face.

You know how Liza's mom has the bump it and then the hair goes back in the back like Andy's ex-husband had the bump it hair without the long extensions in the back it was like oh my god he married Liza she married Liza's mother when Liza's mother was young and didn't mind laying down on the gravel half the time

she fucked an older man and it was that guy I mean seriously that guy was like Colonel Sanders retired Colonel Sanders she was like Colonel Sanders. Yeah, it was... Retired Colonel Sanders. Yeah, she was like, okay, I'm getting myself into a will right now. Sorry it didn't work out, Andy. Yeah, so... By the way, Emmy Rubano says,

bouncy houses are the cause of over 300 thumb-up-the-butt accidents every year. No kidding. Where do you think he learned it? They probably had one in jail, the way they run things up there. Teresa's diary is like, Today in prison prison i ate and then we played games and then i heard somebody yell at somebody but it was okay then i did an interview with people bye love ya what the fuck kind of jails are they running up there i know that's her jail she's like could someone send me stickers loves to versus Okay so anyway

The next thing takes Susan Oh I just noticed that Do you guys remember that makeover episode For Susan Cause she doesn't Bitch you just pulled a burnt sienna right out your purse again She's like thanks for the makeover girls To be fair

Maybe some of her makeup Smeared off when she was at the public pool with jonathan oh my god oh i can't believe we're taking the day off together jonathan this is amazing they're like putting quarters in the public pool i know they're like subway gate we're playing hooky we're at the public pool i mean we've never seen this is like a new low like normally this is bravo is supposed to have like really wealthy people who have their own pools or at least like some version of it. But they were literally like, well, at the pool, there was like a good humor stand nearby, like goggles for sale. I want to talk about our relationship. Oh, a little kid made a poopy is floating in the pool.

Isn't that cute? Our vacation. Jonathan, I want to talk about our relationship, but we can't do it right now. It's Adult Swim. Come on, hurry up. Hurry up. We got 20 minutes.

Jonathan, I'd like to talk about our relationship while we do water aerobics with the old ladies. Hey, someone stuck their thumb up some of these butt in the pool. Who was that? Nobody.

Wasn't me. Was it the lifeguard twirling the whistle around his thumb? Back and forth, back and forth, round and round and round, coil up, round and round and round, coil out. And Andy's back at the victim thing. She's like, did you hear what happened at the party? Because someone's, Jonathan stuck his thumb up that girl's butt. And it became this other thing and they were playing like serious

The Accused soundtrack in the background. To be fair, before the public pool thing, Liza and I don't know your notes. I don't know what these mean. Autocorrect. So, by the way, on Periscope, this is my place.

Someone asked where we are. So, by the way, on Periscope, this is my place. Someone asked where we are. We're at my place. It's Ben's town. So, I think Liza and was it Andy took Susan out to dinner? Or was it Liza and Corey? I think it was Liza and Andy. It doesn't matter. Oh, it was Corey and Andy.

Yeah, you're right. Because that's when Corey... No, no. It was Liza and Andy. It was always Liza and Andy. It's Liza and Andy, yeah. Where they're like, we don't want to get in the middle of your relationship. Just divorce your husband.

What else are you going to do? He's awful. Divorce him. We don't want a medal. And Susan's like, what? I thought it was funny. You know, it's a kid's party. We need a little bit of levity.

Stop trying to be so stuffy. I'm like, since when are these women the paragon of stuffiness? No kidding. And who are these bitches to give anybody advice? Both of you are begging for a thumb up the ass, okay? Corey's husband is cheating with God knows who blatantly in front of her on text. And Andrew's been divorced from, like, old man time. Like, father time.

Shut the fuck up, you two. I know. So that's why Susan went and spoke to Jonathan. She's like, listen, I love you, but I want you, you got to fix your behavior. You know, it's like, I can't have this. Seriously, seriously, it's awful. This is so full of shit because she's like, Jonathan, I've noticed that you're in a bad mood all the time. You're so snappy.

And he's like, what are you talking about, Snappies, because I ain't been getting laid. She's like, oh, yeah, what about last night? I did you right last night. He's like, yeah, yeah, what about last night? I did you right last night. He's like, yeah, that was hard. Yeah, okay, that's why I'm in a better mood today. And then she's like, well, I was really mad at you last night, and I want to talk about it. It's like, you just fucked him last night. You can't, like, come home mad because the girls made you cry and then fuck him

and then talk about it the next day and expect him to give a shit. If you want a man to listen, if you're going to use your vagina as, like, a bargaining chip, you don't let him eat the chip and then try and bargain. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Teach you how to be a woman? Of course. She basically

got proposed to him a week after dating him while he was in prison. So anyway. Desperation turning. So there was this whole thing Corey was not there Corey was lost somewhere in the LIE because her GPS sucks

my GPS sucks see I keep I keep mentioning that because when we were watching I just I crack up because Corey will just sometimes say these like very millennial

type of things and it's like so out of tune but she but she just says it with this like blah way

she'll be like oh I, I'm sorry, girls. I couldn't make it here on time. My GPS sucks, and it turns out I was driving the wrong way the whole time because my car sucks. I'm Cory. She always looks like this. Her eyes are always wide like that, and she's like, I want some

food right now. She's like, duh. She's always got a dull look. She's like, you. She's always got like a dull look. She's like, you know, I love our marriage. I just wish you was more supportive. Oh, but her husband. Your husband is fucking the whole world. No man wakes up and blow dries his hair for his wife of 20 years.

It doesn't happen. It is, right? No man blow dries his wig either. Even Ken doesn't do that. Meanwhile, in the midst of all this, we had a scene with Gale. Gale and Steven go to tour the new facility for his office. To Heather's new house. Yeah.

Heather's new bro's back house. This ridiculous place. He's like, hey, hon, I think I'm going to get myself onto the new season of Botched Long Island. You can be my first star. It was like the penguins, penguin cave in Batman 2. So they're touring it. I'm surprised Gale didn't show up with a stack of white blazers to put on everyone she saw.

She was actually wearing a white blazer. She's like, listen, the uniform here is white blazers. I'm in a white blazer. I work here. That's it. You made the uniform, bitch. Yeah. Congratulations. You thought up the idea that people working in medical office should in a white blazer. I work here. That's it. You made the uniform, bitch. Yeah. Congratulations. You thought up the idea that people

working in medical office should wear a white coat. Great. So, um, they're walking around this huge, it's actually a huge facility. Bigger than a hospital. Tell your friends. Tell your friends. Bigger than a hospital. So you could tell that the one concession that Dr. Stephen made is that he's like, and here's where the receptionist will sit,

sitting behind a glass wall. I'm like, okay. She clearly was like, they are not to talk to anyone. Put them in a glass case and don't let anyone speak to them. Get their flirting whore ways away from other people.

Or he's trying to protect them. Maybe it's like one of those things at the check cashing store. It's like, pick them up. So she can't get to them. So then she's like, where is your blazer?

Let me in there. Let me in there. So she's, then. She's like, where is your blazer? Let me in there! So then Gail's like, alright, well, Steven, so where's my office? And he's like, where's my office? And everyone looked at her like, what have you ever done, bitch? She's like, you don't get an office

for ordering fucking white polyester blazers off eBay. I need to have an office to be able to research salads. She's stupid. What does she need an office for? I have helped him build this. I have built everything around. The way I do it is I follow him around and I say, where's mine? Where's mine?

Where's mine? Where's mine? Where's mine? We're husband and wife and we need to spend time together. It's like, bitch, not at the workplace. I support him. This hurts my feelings. She's like, if he's coming, if he's getting back into all work and no play mode, if he's putting work before life, I don't like that.

He's not doing that. It's because you keep suffocating him so his only escape is to go to work with the hot girls rather than your crazy bony ass getting on top of him every two seconds. I've worked for him. This really hurts my feelings. I put him before everything. I'm at every event that he had she's like I did not

oh no and no because she said oh no it's actually a really good relationship because we support each other we're at each other's events I'm like he never comes to shit he went to play tennis with you one time and he was only hoping Corey would fall on her face so we could fix it exactly she's like I did not not go to

school to not have an office in your place. This is not why I skipped college. This is not why I didn't go to college and then did not go to medical school to not have an office in your medical practice. Very busy doctors play tennis in the middle of a weekday that's who

whoever's asking that's funny um so then anyway so then what so we don't want to get in the middle of it leave him and susan's like what am i supposed to leave him for you i'm supposed to just separate separation and meanwhile cory's like what do you think it means when my husband is texting people i can't wait to suck on your vagina? What does that mean? Is that code? Well, Corey... You're sucking on another vagina's lady? Corey and Sandy go to a very homely therapist.

They just are like... Oh, no. Therapy. Poor Corey is so insecure. She's like, find a therapist. Find a really fat therapist in clothes that don't fit. Sandy ain't gonna fuck. I don't care who it is.

Just find anybody. Fran! It's like, oh, God. It's like the only fat woman on the street wearing white leopard print yeah come on cory have some self-respect have some pride so she's like i don't know i just feel like after 20 years i just kind of feel like i want something more from you i don't know it's what i want i don't know Our relationship sucks right now. And then he's like, listen. He's like, listen, I love you. I never wanted to get married again after my first wife when

I realized that I like men. But then I met you and I realized you were the best beard I had ever met. So I decided I want to only be married to you and no one else because I love you and you are my wife. Thank you very much. Signed, me. And Fran's like, Uh, that sounds like you were kind of making it up just to get out of here.

And Corey's like, No, that was really romantic. That was beautiful. It was validation that I needed. That's the most he's given me in years. And he's like, I just gave you a load this morning. These men are pigs on this show, by the way.

Yeah, pigs. Like, what? You suck my dick all the time. What else do you want from me? Yeah. Meanwhile, Liza, she wasn't doing much this episode. She went touring some apartments in New York City. She looked at one that was a nice apartment and it was selling for

$10 million. Paralyzed! I can't even get paralyzed because I watched Selling New York. That shit is scary. You know when I moved from New York 12 years ago when cigarettes turned $10? That was 12 years ago. Why do you people live there?

What is going on? I lived through 9-11, through all that shit, the blackouts, all that crap, and I still kept trudging along. I was like, look at me, I'm so strong living in New York. And one day I was like, fuck this place. Up and down the stairs, everything smells like pee, cigarettes $10. $10.5 million apartment with terrible wood floors and gel bars on the window. No, bye, New York.

Bye. Yeah, I was surprised that Liza did not handle that price tag so well. I was just imagining Andy being like, uh-oh, that realtor's about to get Liza'd. Straight up Liza'd right now. Look out, sister. You're about to get Liza'd. You're about to get Liza'd. Classic Liza. Liza's like, I call this the living room because this is where I live.

Oh, you got Liza'd. You got straight up Liza'd. Oh, that was a classic Liza. Oh, my God. Hey, sis, I heard you showed Liza around New York City. Did you get totally Liza'd? I get Liza'd like every day. We're in the bed and she's like, hey, remember when I got my thumb stuck up my ass?

I'm like, yeah. She's like, well, here comes my thumb. Oh, my God. I got totally Liza'd by my thumb. Oh, my God. I got totally loised by that one. Oh, my God. I got a second, three. I always stick three thumbs up my ass just to get loised every day. It's so hilarious.

No wonder why I sleep in the same bed with her. It's like the most funny thing I've ever done. Sometimes she's like, all right, good night. Good night, Andy. And I'm like, okay, good night. And then she turns off the light. Then she turns it back on. She gets, ha ha.

Oh, my God. I got totally loised. I got loised. I got loised. I got totally Liza'd. I got Liza'd. I got totally Liza'd. And Andy's eyes are a different color in every scene.

She's like the Kenya Moore of this show. She's like, oh, I felt different today so I have a different eye color. I'm like, what are you,

you're like a gay pride flag from scene to scene. I just want a montage of her eyes changing, never doing anything but changing her contacts. That's her whole storyline and telling everyone they need to get a divorce.

Her eyes totally got loisered. Her eyes got loisered. I woke up with blue eyes, now they're purple. I got loisered. So, in other news, Andy, when she wasn't getting loisered. Andy, again, in someone else's storyline, took Audrey. Amy to drinks and she's like

I want to talk to you because you know I've been through three husbands already and I've been you and she's like you know what

when it's good it's really good and I just you know it's like now that I don't have my ex to worry about I can just focus on the author and you know people don't understand

he's really a teddy he's wonderful Yeah no one understands how nice Arthur is when he's nice, you know? Sometimes the fire's burning and you touch it and it's hot. But then sometimes the fire goes out and you touch the wood and it's just wood. And you're like, I love wood. You know what I mean?

I love wood. It's like, let's put this on Insta. Me ask this on Insta? This on Insta, me ask? Me ask this on Insta? You only think he's a jerk. You only think he's a jerk because when he's being nice I don't put it on Insta.

And that's not fair to him. That's me being the wrong one. Do you understand? You know what? He goes weeks without talking to me. But I love him. I love him. You know what? It's a rollercoaster. But that's Arthur. It's Max's fault. You know, Max needs to sell more solar panels. If he could just sell more

solar panels, he could move out, alright? And then I could be with Arthur. You know what Arthur needs to sell more solar panels. If he could just sell more solar panels, he could move out, all right? And then I could be an author. You know what Arthur's never done? Broken the table. He's never broken the table, Arthur. I mean, that's a good man. You know what? The other day I got totally authored.

You know what that means? He punched me in the eye. I mean. Give me a shiner. Yeah, you know what? That's just how it is sometimes. Sometimes you get mad and you got to punch something. That's what I'm here for.

I'm like that stress ball that people have in their office. Sometimes it's a pretty ball. Sometimes you're angry and you squeeze the ball until you're not angry. That's it. Amy was smart because Andy was trying to have, like, an intervention. And Amy turned around and she was like, you know, when I look in your eyes, I see a lot of hurt, Amy. Well, I mean, then I see some blue. Oh, yeah, Andy.

Well, I think I see hurt, but sometimes, some days, it looks like it's happening. I can't, it depends on your context. I see hurt. I just want to know, what made you, what hurt you so much? What made you worried about all that you mean to me? What? She was right, because that was total projection. I don't know.

I think I just got liesiza one too many times. I just got Liza. Hey, are you Amy-ing me? Oh, I just got Amy'd. We actually get this on Insta. We're talking about it. We're talking about how she got Liza the other day. She's like, well, maybe, I don't know, maybe.

What's the third one? Maybe she should stop marrying 90-year-olds for their money, dumb slut. Like, what do you think these guys are out for? She's like, those guys... That got a lot of hearts, of course. No, it's because there's a time delay. They're still on your thing. Trust me.

I just called someone a dumb slut. I'm not going to get a ton of hearts. They're like, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. It's the internet. They're like, hurt, hurt, hurt. No, seriously. What are you thinking? It's like she's trying to give this love advice, and I don't understand what the hell she's

talking about. That's not love advice, okay? Staying with old people until it's legal to take half of their income is not love, you dumb bitch. But I'm paralyzed. Get out of here! She's like, I have a pair of contacts for every husband that I've had. What do you have, Amy? What do you have? A Volkswagen

lease? Get out of here. I have a dining room table that I'm too afraid to put my elbows on because I'm afraid that it's going to break where Max leaned on it. But if it does break, I'm putting it on Insta. It's on Insta. I wish there was a filter called Max

and that way I could be like, hey Max, I'm going to Max this photo. I totally Maxed it. I totally Maxed it. Look at Max, he's been going to the gym. Then they cut to Max and his boobs are hanging out of his shirt. He's like, what do you want me to do, boss? Oh, that was a good scene Max. He's been going to the gym. Then they cut to Max and his, like, boobs are hanging out of his shirt. He's like, what do you want me to do, boss? Oh, that was a good scene, too.

Yeah, he's like, hey, Ma, I sold the solo panel today. Oh, really, Max? Uh, no, I'm sorry. I meant I ate a Reese's Pieces of Peanut Butter Cup. I'm sorry. Oh, Max, you're so crazy. Say it again in the choo-choo and we'll chase the ice cream man down again. Come on, Max.

It's on Insta. It's going to put it on Insta, Max. Oh, Max, I just got a text from Insta. It said, I miss Max. Come on, Max. I wish you could be more like Arthur. My favorite show is The Golden Girls because there's someone called Bea Arthur. And I'm like, yeah, I'd love to be Arthur.

As soon as Max gets out of there, I can be Arthur all the time. You know, sometimes Bea Arthur's really nice to everybody. And sometimes she's mean to them. They don't even want to swallow their cheesecake. It's called The Golden Girls. Not abuse. Not abuse. You know, I'm always trying to picture it.

Cecily, 1942, but Max gets in the way. I can't think about it. Anyway, so I love this abuse conversation, because they're having this very... Really, the women on this show are abused. Like, for those of you who watch it, these women only marry men for their money. They're all horrible to the women. They all cheat on the women. The women are basically sacks of them former... They don't look like their former selves at all.

They... All they do is beat themselves up, change themselves, inject themselves, do whatever they can to not get a fucking job. You know what? Working's really not that hard, you guys. So they do everything they can, and then they wonder why these men treat them like shit, and then they're like, I'm abused. Should I stay? Get a job, bitch! get a job bitch get a job that's what you need you need to work for you need to need to work for jonathan solar company that's what you need to do so it's

sad to watch if you're a feminist like me they got lies i'm like come on women get some power here you know gloria stonem didn't sit on the back of a bus with you know bust down to her knees for this i don't know if that ever happened. That's my version of feminists. Anyway. I love that there's no way out to finish because it's like 10 minutes. But I love that they're having this serious abuse conversation. And above Andy's head is the restroom sign.

And above Amy's head is a big screen TV. Was there anywhere to be serious in this town? I know. It's like, Arthur beat me. Oh, that's where the bathroom is. And he's like, you should leave him. I'll buy a vowel, Alan. I would buy a vowel if I didn't leave my third husband.

Oh, what am I going to do? I think I'd like to solve the puzzle. You just got totally Liza'd. No, I'm sorry, Andy. That's not the... There's not even an L or a Z. And it's one word. Oh, you're lizing me, aren't you?

You're lizing me. Liza, get over here. Get over here. You're totally lizing me. You're just making me feel bad because you love me, right, Arthur? Arthur, can I ask? Arthur, do you want to spin the Wheel of Fortune for me? I know you want to do it.

I don't want Max to do it. Max sat on the wheel and broke it in half. Hey, wait a second. That was someone else's clue. I'm not coming on Wheel of Fortune to do someone else's clue. I want my own clue. If you love me, you'll give me my own clue. All right.

So anyway, the last big thing that happened was the final 15, 20 minutes took place at Corey and Sandy's big anniversary party. How did Kathie Lee Gifford not come out from the 80s doing a Carnival Cruise Line commercial? When we were watching it, Ronnie's description was perfect. You said it was like a cruise line party. Yeah, it's like a dinner cruise. It's like a dinner cruise party from 20 years ago. That's before they got the Ebola outbreak and everybody died on it. They just never changed it.

They're just like, clean up the old people, you know, like, clean up the Christmas lights, just bring new people in. Bring in the lobster! This was classic Long Island. It was like a bunch of 50-year-olds dressed in quote-unquote club wear at a club. This is like their 20th anniversary party at a club. Which no one knows what that is on the e-vite. So, like, one of them's in a formal ball gown. Someone's in shorts and a shirt.

Susan's in shorts. I'll have to show it up in, as you called it, paisley plaid. Because it was both patterns at work. It was a plaid pattern with a paisley overlay in puke green. And he was like, hi, everybody. Hi, I'm not abusive. Hi, I'm Arthur, and I don't abuse people. Hi, good to meet you.

Isn't he so nice? The big thing that came out of it was that Sandy needs to say nicer things to Corey so that way she doesn't feel paranoid. She needs to feel validation. And Fran's like, hey, how about you do something to show her you love her?

It's your 20th anniversary. Maybe you could tell her you love her. And Corey's like, hey, how about you do something to show her you love her? Like, it's your 20th anniversary. Maybe you could tell her you love her. And Corey's like, that would be nice. Yeah, that'd be nice. Maybe. Yeah, it's your fucking 20th anniversary. He could say I love you. Maybe.

She's like, the GPS lady never tells me that she loves me. But maybe you could, Sandy. Sandy, this sucks. If you tell me you turn in Spanish, I swear to God, Sandy, I swear to God, I'm changing the password on your phone, and you're not getting pussy for another month. So they have this ridiculous party, and everyone's there. Everyone's schmoozing. Meanwhile, Sandy's like... It was like Ramona in The Real Housewives of New York, first episode, which we didn't mention.

The editors just keep cutting to Ramona drinking. Every time they catch Ramona, it's like, and that was Sandy in this one. It's like Sandy's wig is like getting like further and further over. He's getting pale

like he's going to barf. Oh my God. And so, I don't really, for some reason, I don't remember much of what happened. The big talk,

the big romantic talk was the thumb up the butt. People were still into that. Hey, so, do you hear about Jonathan? You can stick someone's thumb up, you can stick a thumb up someone's ass.

There's a lot of assholes here. He's like, oh, hey, relax, relax you hear about Jonathan? You can stick a thumb up someone's ass. There's a lot of assholes here. He's like, oh, hey, relax, relax. I'll get to all of yous, okay? I'll get my thumb up every single one of these assholes, okay? Oh, Jonathan, you're so funny. Really lightening up the stiff crowd. And then Sammy, who's going to really stand up to Jonathan tonight for his woman, goes up and he's like, hey, Jonathan, how tight is Liza's asshole, huh?

And everyone's like, huh, huh, huh. And then he's like, but you're not going to do that tonight, right? I did it, right, Corey? is Liza's asshole, huh? And everyone's like, And then he's like, But you're not going to do that tonight, right? I did it, right, Corey? Right, I did it? All right, I'm fucking a teenager. I'm out of here. So Corey gets up there.

Finally, they're all drunk, and it's speech time. She's like, I just want to thank everyone for coming out here tonight. I love my husband. And cut to Sandy, and he's making signs to the DJ, being like, cut her off. Off. Done.

No, whatever. And he's like, You know DJ be like cut her off done no whatever you know we're together I love them so much we're a great couple and she's like hey Sandy why don't you know her speech was not even romantic this is her speech she's like everyone thank you so much for coming to a 20th wedding anniversary you

know what marriage is it's difficult that's what it is it's like all right it's like when you let glue dry at first it's lovely and sticky it's making things stick together then it's difficult that's what it is it's like all right it's like when you let glue dry at first it's lovely and sticky it's making things stick together then it's hard as a rock you don't know why everything's dying around it it kills flowers you don't know why suddenly no one's having sex with you you want to kill yourself and then you look over and you're like but i said i do so we're still together we're still together yeah We're still together. Yeah, and everyone's like... And then she's like,

guess what, everyone? We're staying together because at this point, Sandy has taken the mic and it looks like he's going to say something and he just gives it to the DJ. And it's like... And the kids are filming it like,

ew. Sandy, I mean, schmuck of the year. He's wearing some ridiculously dark pattern shirt tucked in tight. He was paisley too. North Shore, stop. Yeah. No, North Shore is tight shoes. He was paisley too. North Shore, stop. Yeah. Stop. North Shore is very sophisticated.

How is... You know Sandy's the only man in America who can wear that much plaid and get that many blowjobs from random teenagers on the street. What the hell, North Shore? Yeah. But it was a big schmuck move because you're... At the very least, get on the mic to thank your guests for coming to the party. How about that?

At the very least, even if you don't love your wife anymore. It's like, everyone, thanks for coming to our anniversary. I'd like to thank Bravo for the drinks. If anyone wants to take a little, be in the bathroom. Yeah. Disgusting. Big asshole. But the worst part of it all was that when the episode ended,

they said, next week on the season finale of Sec all was that when the episode ended, they said, next week on the season finale of Secrets and Wives. No! How are we going to know what never, ever happens? I am so sad because, you know,

we're never going to see this show again. It's going to go the way of Princesses, Long Island, Gallery Girls. It's over. My no. Enjoy it while you can. Paralyzed!

Thankfully, you know, God has created a beautiful earth, and he's also created plenty of stupid people to fill our television screens with. So thanks. Thanks for that. And I mean that sincerely. So. So that's it, right? Yeah.

See ya, you guys. This was so much fun talking to you guys on the Periscope. You were so funny. Yeah. Thank you for letting us steal your content uh your content the whole night because that's basically what we did 17 of you who are still watching hell yeah that's a lot of people who sit through this long of a thing especially about secrets and wives i'm i have to say i'm proud of liza for not showing up and saying hi it's me

liza from secrets and wives because she was doing that on andy's periscope as was posted on facebook earlier so funny he's like hi i'm Andy Cohen. Look at me. A dog's pooping over in the corner. And she's like, Look at me! It's Liza from Secrets and Wives! And someone wrote under, Ew. And then the link is scrolling up. And then she's like, It's me! Liza!

Love you, Gif. Anyway, thank you for everybody listening to this and not watching this, which I guess is everybody else. Thank you so much for listening to us be weird on Periscope. But we don't get together that often. We had to do it. And we will be in Texas next week, either the 24th or 25th. We'll announce it on Facebook.com slash Watch What Crap On.

Keep an ear out for details on the big Crap by Crap West Festival that's happening in Austin next week. Starring me and Ronnie, and that's about it. Well, someone wrote on Periscope, oh my god, Liza did that on Heather's Periscope too. That is so... Come on, Liza, cut it out. Liza! Liza, be quiet.

You just got Liza'd, Heather. You got Liza'd. Hey, you know what? She's just like, hey, I'm a big fan of yours. Just kidding, I'm on Bravo. You got Liza'd. You got Liza'd! You got totally'm on Bravo. You got lized. You got lized.

You got totally lized. You got totally lized. Bet Heather got lized. Which Heather was it? I don't know. I just got lized. I don't even know. It was hashtag Bravo.

Hashtag your mother's dead and she hates you. Hashtag everyone's disappointed in you. Hashtag not cool. Don't be not. Don't be uncool. Hey, Heather. I paralyzed. The naked man in the bed was Jonathan.

You just got lized. Hey, Hey just stick a thumb up your ass You're so lucky Were you in a bouncy castle? Bye everybody We'll talk to you next week Thanks for everything To die Bye We'll be right back. behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It.

It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger, Slicing, driving friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore.

Because it's here. And it's funny. And I love you. To the insurance company that spurned me, our time together has come to an end. It's not me, it's you. We both know what I'm talking about. Fifteen minutes ago, I began courting GEICO. It was just the easiest thing I've done since buttering my biscuit at breakfast.

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