Watch What Crappens - #204: A Penny For Your 40-50 Negative Thoughts

Episode Date: July 22, 2015

Need to stop having 40-50 negative thoughts per day? Let us take care of it for you! This week we talk about Shannon's pre-Valentine's dinner on "Real Housewives of Orange County." We also touch on Vicki's medium, Meghan's parenting style, and Tamra's latest experience in entrepreneurialism. Then it's on to "Married To Medicine" where certain things transpire. Specifically, the return of Mariah. There's also gossip about Jax Taylor, Tamra's son, and GG from "Shahs." Come listen! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Did you guys see Katy Perry on the cover of Forbes magazine? She's apparently really successful and is at the top of one of their lists. Well, if you missed it, guess what?

You can get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins. And that means you could read Forbes as well as many other magazines in the comfort of your own home, which is probably where you'd read any magazine. But at least now you can do it on your tablet with many different devices, which is really fun and cool. And you would get all sorts of access to other magazines, et cetera. You know, it's like the Netflix of magazines, like your own little newsstand right in your hand. We get into our interests by seeking out authorities on them. Like Esquire, Vogue, Sports Illustrated, or Wired, there are so many magazines we've all come to trust. And Forbes is just one of them.

There are really so many great magazines that you get with this service. And they're available as soon as they hit the newsstands. As soon as a magazine hits the newsstands, it is available on Next Issue. It's a great deal. You get all of these magazines for as little as $10 per month. And we've only scratched the surface. So everyone, get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins now and read up, way up on all your interests.

nextissue.com slash crappins. Watch what crappins, watch what crappins, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins? Crappins, crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens.

Crappens. Watch what crappens. Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens. Watch what crappens. Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from the B-SideBlog.com and also the Banter Blender podcast.

Joining me as always is the lovely and sun-baked Ronnie Karam. What's going on, Ronnie, from TrashTalkTV.com? Hello, Ben. Yes, I am sun-baked. I'm also drinking. We're renting this home away home, and I'm on some little time between bed with sand covering me. My pot belly and my tits are purple, Tony.

I look ridiculous. I'm covered in sand and I'm sitting here with a laptop, a mic, some stuff all around. I thought, hey, it's the middle of the day. I'm in South Padre. I'm going to have some vodka. Watch out, Tully. I like that. I like when you were describing your rental. The audio dropped out for a second.

It sounded like we were on network TV and you were being bleeped out. As if you're like, yeah, I got a fucking bed in fucking South Padre Island. That's how it should be tough. You're like, that's exactly what I said, actually. Yeah, you should do transcriptions. Yes. So everyone, first of all,

we have to say that this episode has been brought to you all by two of our lovely donors Claudia Catalina and Chrissy Dougherty they are our premium sponsors they have donated at the premium level on patreon.com those are our mommy warbucks right there

they are sugar mamas sugar mamas well you know we've got a little extra Just throw it at the losers for a little bit Thank you darlings Love you Thank you so much And if you would like to donate

If you would like to be like Claudia and Christy You can donate at patreon.com Forward slash watch where crap ends At the most basic level You have access to a bonus episode once a week. And this week, we talked about Donald Trump. And we talked about immigrants. But we talked about Big Brother, too.

We talked a lot about Big Brother. And I think we talked about something else. Wasn't there something else fun we discussed? Chef Penny. Chef Penny. Oh, yes. Chef Penny. That's all you need.

Chef Penny, Donald Trump, and Big Brother. so if you want oh yeah and we also have to announce that we are doing a live episode this week ben and i will both be in austin texas and we thought hey let's party so we're having a live podcast at the key bar in austin texas this sat Saturday, July 25th at 5 p.m. We're doing it so early so we can have some alone time with you guys. And then we are going to be partying at Key Bar after. So get your butts over there. That's also a heads up

that the second episode of this week where we'll talk about Real Housewives of New York City and Secrets and Wives, it's going to be up later this week than usual. It will not be up on Thursday. It's going to be up later this week than usual. It will not be up on Thursday. It's going to be up over the weekend because that's what we're going to be discussing at our live show in Austin. Yeah, got to talk about something, y'all.

Yeah, sorry for making you guys wait a little bit for the next episode. But hopefully it'll be really good and fun. And we'll also be, I think, periscoping that episode too. So even if you're not in Austin you'll be able to enjoy the festivities as if you were there so put your cowboy hat on David and go enjoy it. I'm so excited. I'm really excited. If you see my mother pretend I've

never talked shit about her and just say oh my gosh she's so nice about you on the podcast or just don't say anything. Yeah so I'm very excited for our first Crap by Crap West festival and I think it's going to be a great time. Crap by Crap West festival. And I think it's going to be a great time. Crap by Crap West season one, mother truckers. Yeah. And then people are like, oh, well, that's nice that you're doing a live show in Austin.

But what about your hometown, Los Angeles? Well, we are doing a live show in Los Angeles on August 25th with For Crying Out Loud. Technically, it's going to be a For Crying Out Loud podcast, but it's basically going to be crappppins too and so we're going to be doing that so everyone in la we have that coming too it's really exciting so a great time to be yeah we're gonna have a fun couple months we finally realized that actually doing them live is really fun so we're trying to book as many things as we can now so yay yay we love meeting you guys and talking to you guys so keep coming to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash watch what crap ends.

Talk shit with us all you want. We have live show threads there whenever the episodes are on to come talk to other listeners. And it is also where you can tell us to go suck it if you want to or just say you love us or whatever. But we're on that page every day. Both of us read it

while we're pooping. It's a great, great page to look at when you're pooping or if you're a lady when you're peeing because both times you're sitting down um but uh unless you're a guy with strange tendencies um uh it is great and by the way it is like the best ego boost of all time because even just like a few days ago i was walking on the street and i walked by a chandelier store i took a picture of it and i put it on her page i was like david david chandeliers and it has like 350 likes i i love it like any old shit we put up there i'm like yes masturbating without getting your sock dirty darling but what's even better like it has like 50 comments and everyone's just cracking jokes. It's so funny.

Y'all are funny. Y'all are funny listeners. You are some funny people. And you know who the funniest people of all are? Claudia and Christy. They are so funny. Girls, you are some funny girls. They're the ones, if this were a PBS show, they were the ones who would get the special title. It would be like, Down Abbey is brought to you by Claudia

Catalina and Christine Daugherty. And by viewers like you. It is. It's like a PBS show with a lot of fake tit jokes and cuss words. It's what PBS should be. Why isn't PBS crazy?

There should be crazy PBS. Why does PBS have to be so stuffy and educational? How about a public broadcast, you know, service that's like body like us? How about that? How about you just show like the regular PBS programming, like the operas and stuff. But then you just have like bitchy gay people being like, that bitch is fat. But then you just have bitchy gay people being like, that bitch is fat. How about the show is over because the fat lady is saying so much that she had a heart attack on stage and died from McDonald's poisoning.

Yeah, exactly. That's what I would like. And you know what? I bet the NEA would be proud to endorse that. Okay. Meanwhile, there's an ambulance outside. I think they're rushing MJ to the hospital No MJ's choking on a wing bone MJ's been eating too many of Chef Penny's

Warm olives and pitas MJ just caught a glimpse of herself In her zigzag stockings She wears to walk her dogs And a terrible weave in the mirror Darling the ambulance will get her. Darling. I feel like there were other announcements to make, but I can't remember.

Patreon, Patreon, Facebook, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, I wanted to say one more thing. So something weird has happened in the world of the internet where both iTunes, the Mac, and SoundCloud, everything that we use for this podcast has basically updated in the same week. And they all had a major clusterfuck, terrible job of updating. So if you're not getting this episode naturally on iTunes, if it's not showing up, you need to update your iTunes, y'all.

Update your phones, because whatever Apple did has totally fucked us over, okay? Yeah. I like that. If you didn't get it naturally. Is this a natural episode of Watch What Crappens? It's true, though. People are like, why isn't this coming on my phone? And then I searched and I was like, it's me too. And then when we asked, they're like, well, people

need to update their software. Well, how about not wanting to update to your stupid new operating system that takes five gigs on my phone, you a-holes? And it just slows down my phone, so I'll have to buy one of your new stupid iPhone snot-based phones, jerks. Yeah, I know. It's really annoying. And in fact, I just updated my iOS just yesterday, and I cannot stand the new music app.

There's issues with shuffle. There's issues with everything. Nothing is where it should be. I've had enough. I have enough. You know what? I think Claudia and Christy should send a strong letter, strongly written letter to Apple and be like, listen, we are wealthy ladies. And we're going to pull our funding from Apple if you don't fix this.

So, Claudia and Christy, throw your weight around. Make a change. Make a change, darling. We are the change world. Listen, I switched to Android twice. No, I'm not doing that again. You don't appreciate Apple until you've taken a bite of the Android.

And then they're like, whoop, sorry, I forgot all your email addresses. Whoop, sorry, I forgot all your contacts. Oh, it's okay, but at least you can change your home screen. Fuck it, I'll stick with my six better than yours, darling. Yeah, I would take the annoying music app over Android any day. I'll take it. I don't care if it looks like a cartoon from the 80s.

I'm keeping it. By the way, I already warned everyone I was drunk, right? And did I warn everyone that I'm on Starbucks? Yeah. So I'm on alcohol because I'm in South Padre Parting and Ben's on cocaine, which is Starbucks. Yeah, which is Starbucks. And I would like to add, as long as we're talking about cell phones and not Bravo, I might as well just mention that I have a new cell phone case. And I don't know how I feel about it yet.

It feels weird in my fingers. You know, it's like bulk i basically got it because my last one cracked for reasons i have no idea i didn't drop it i think just cracked so i got a new one with a little kickstand in it and i'm very excited because now i can like watch my stories on my phone while i eat my cereal in the morning and i got my phone propped up but it is now so bulky that i'm wondering did i did i do that worth it yeah minus three dollars it works great if you really want the perfect masturbation i mean watching tv tool for your uh phone or tablet get a music stand with

uh an arm you know those ones that are like a crane kind of you know what i mean like it's not just a straight up mic stand oh Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, like the frame. It has an arm or whatever. Yeah. Get one of those. They're like 20 or 30 bucks, depending on your town. And then get an iPad or iPhone clip that holds it. And then you can swivel. I mean, I watch my iPad or my iPhone all day like I'm in WALL-E.

I'm like a fat person in bed with an iPad screen in front of me and a big gold bomb on my side. And that's it. I love that you have put your porn on your phone and attach it to a music clip thing that you swing over as if you're sitting in a captain's chair

or a dentist's chair, just lying there and just like, porn! Give me the porn! And it swivels on over in front of you. Now I need a light. Swivel that over to you. Pretty much. And you yell like a Savannah pump. To All right, now I need a light. Swivel that over to you. Pretty much. And you yell like this at Vanderpump. Well, to be fair, it's not just porn. You know, it's also like Facebook.

Social porn. All right. Yeah, social porn. But that's what they do. Claudia and Christy are not sponsoring our thoughts on Mac iOS and the best way to view your porn. Chrissy and Claudia deserve real content, not to mention all of our Patreon supporters

and our non-supporters. Everyone deserves Bravo. So guess what? We're going to talk about Real Housewives of Orange County and Marriage Medicine today. And you know what? There are some damn good gossip

that we have to get into, all right? Because we have stolen enough of these people's times that it's time we talk about other people stealing other things. Which is a very bad segue into Jax Taylor. Jax Taylor arrested in Hawaii for felony shoplifting. Or whatever it's technically called. I love that it's like felony shoplifting or whatever it's technically called. I love it that it's like felony shoplifting for fucking sunglasses. He stole sunglasses from like a sunglass hut

or something. $300 sunglasses, which is enough to be a felony. Did you see the surveillance footage of him doing it? No. There's surveillance footage? Yeah, it's hilarious. He sort of like waddles around the store.

And I mean that literally. I feel like his knees don't work anymore. He sort of like peg legs around with his legs around the store. And he full on, so he takes his sunglasses. He's browsing. He takes his sunglasses. And then he sort of just like ambles out of the store. But first puts like a foot out to see if the alarms will go off.

And they don't. So then he runs off. And what's funny, then like five minutes later, the police get him. But what's funny is that when he leaves, it doesn't look like anyone noticed. So I wonder how they realized. Maybe he went running and... He came back. The story I read said that he came

back. To do what? So he went to the store, he stole the sunglasses, and then he came back later and they were like oh yeah that's the that's the guy who can't speak uh because of his nose his cocaine issues have collapsed his nose or whatever and um then they arrested him you know he's an idiot because for many reasons but if he if he tries to sort of laugh this one off again because you know he always seems to get arrested for something or another. And he's like, yeah, well, I think we've all been arrested or something like that.

The thing is that I don't believe that Jax has a felony on his record. I could be wrong, but a felony is a big deal. You know, when you have a felony on your record, if he gets convicted or if it doesn't get marked down, that's something that will really affect future employment. I mean, which is hilarious. It's not like Jax is going to be employed anywhere where a felony will actually matter. But that's a thing that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You don't want a felony.

Well, you know how dancers can only be employed until they're like 30 or something? Yeah. That's the same way for bartenders in LA. Like Jax is on his last bartender legs. No one is going to hire his ass to be a bartender at his nose capacity, weight capacity,

face capacity. He's done. This is the last chance to dance, darling, with the shaker in your hand. He's just getting bigger and bigger in the wrong way. His mugshot was puffy. I watch him on Periscope now. I love to watch him snort his Coke

and then talk about eating a grilled chicken while people call him a douchebag and he pretends he can't see it. Oh, also, I saw... By the way, hope you go to jail. Stupid. Stupid. I saw...

You're stupid, Jax. You're stupid. You're stupid. You're stupid. Shut up. You're just stupid. Please, Gretchenax You're stupid Shut up Shut up You're stupid Just pretending she said Jax Yeah he's stupid

I turned on my notifications For Periscope because they used to make me crazy But then I had watch what Crappens follow a bunch of funny people Well by funny I mean awful. And one of them is Gigi. And so I'm sitting here the other day I was drunk then too

and it came up Golnessa, whatever, is having a periscope. And I was like, oh, I'd like to see that. So the first one I saw was her just laying in bed. Wait, I'm sorry. By the way, I just want to pause before you say it. All this time I thought you meant Gigi. Like, my love, Gigi.

Bella. Oh, God. I wouldn't watch that, bitch. She's like, watch me lick a chicken bone and pretend that I just ate a chicken dinner. Because you put a picture of that up on our Facebook page. I was like, God, Gigi looks terrible. Yolanda must be pissed. Gigi looks like a crumpled up school bag.

Lunch bag or whatever. She looks like Bella. I'm sorry, go on. Gigi has turned into the other one. Oh, she's really Bella-ed up. I would like to follow Bella. Actually, I'm going to look to see if I can follow Bella. Because I'd imagine it's like, hey, Bella is live.

And then you turn it on and it's just bella trying to get a hold of yolanda and just getting her voicemail over and over again yolanda's like look that gypsy that says little mermaid blankets is on periscope no that's bella oh my love i'm so sorry i just gave her a petty four access. A blocked ID is trying to call my phone. Oh, my God. What if it is the Doc Swan? I don't want any Doc Ducks on my phone. Don't answer it. Who is this person on Periscope?

It says, at the not GG one. I don't get it. So, anyway, GG. So, Gonesa, yeah, from Shaz. So anyway, Gigi. So, Gonesa, yeah, from Shots. So it was her. The first one, she was on a vacation in Miami. She knows no words. You know how people...

I'm sorry, I was sucking on ice. It's so weird. You know how people on these shows are always blaming editors for everything? Listen, Periscope teaches you how much the editors do for the cast members. Because Gigi can barely make a sentence. She's fucking... Okay, on the show, she's stupid. She's stupid and she's a bitch.

And she's crazy. On this, she's... She's like crawling out of a pile of goop trying to become an organism that will maybe one day become a monkey that will maybe one day become a human. This bitch is dumb. The only thing that separates her from sperm on a sock that you've tossed into the laundry is really heavy glue on eyelashes. That's it. Gigi's extensions. glue on eyelashes that's it gg's extensions so she was on there and she was like laying back in bed like playing with her terrible weave with gigantic way too much makeup and she's in miami and um she

was like hi guys and then all these people are coming on she's just staring at herself in the phone and then she's like, hi, what country are you from? I'm like, you're too stupid. So I clicked away. But then another one came up later and it was her with some other friend in Miami. Okay, this bitch doesn't know how to pronounce ceviche.

She's like, you guys, we're going to eat some ceviche. And what else did she say? She was like, I have spoke to you guys later. I was like, what is wrong with her? She does know English. Was it Toya?

Are you sure it wasn't Toya? It was Toya English. It was Toynglish. What I should have gone on the periscopy. She's so stupid. there's no news to report except that if you don't have periscope yet please get it to watch

these idiots without editors just thinking they're being adorable and it's basically guys with one dick in their hand and Siri in the other and they're like I got one dick in my hand and another one is on Siri

They're basically like show us your tits and then she does and then she's like okay I'm gonna go eat my ceviche Oh god darling. Oh and then there was another article somebody posted that was like from

CNN or something like something real and it was gg talking about how great iran is and she's like i really identify with iran that's my home place like you're an idiot and you would be stoned in the street there and it would be the first stoning in iran that i was actually up well speaking of violent um things i have some news from the domestic abuse department the dad oh no guess what tamra barney's son ryan uh was arrested for domestic abuse against his baby mama wife. What a surprise. What a surprise that the lineage of trailer

trash that comes from Tammy Sue has begat What a shock that a guy who went from hot to fugly in like two weeks because of his meth slash steroid usage or whatever would beat some girl that he married on Instagram.

Who would have thought? Who would have thunk it? Yeah, that's trailer trash is trailer trash, people. He was probably, like, they probably wouldn't let everybody into the hospital room because he wanted alone time to just, like, beat that baby out of his stomach.

He's like, you get out of there, you loser. Come towards the light, you fucking his stomach. He's like, you get out of there you loser! Come towards the light you fucking idiot kid! He's so... He is trailer trash. And when people ask, what's the deal with Orange County? If people who think that Orange County is glamorous, it's like, no. Orange County

is not glamorous. It is probably about 50% full of trailer trash people who've basically come into money at least that's my perception of it la is full of like trailer trash people who were maybe the cutest ones in high school and so they moved to like make money to be cute and then they're like really cute mess homeless people later on that's why our homeless people are fuckable yeah and orange county is like the cutest ones in high school but they had no talent and so they just go to orange county because

there's a russ dressed for less than plenty of russian women and that's it let me let me give you a geographical guide to southern california okay the 909 which is like inland empire riverside that's where the trailer trash uh comes from and then didn't do anything with themselves and stayed trailer trash. Okay, so that's just like pure unfiltered trailer trash. Then you have Los Angeles where it's like the pretty trailer trash comes and try to make it big and some of them really do. And then the ones who make it big but then lose it then move to the valley. big but then lose it then move to the valley and then the ones who just didn't even bother trying to make a big in los angeles the ones who just decided to to marry wealthy or decided to cash in on like a harley davidson uh dealership they that's orange county so it's basically southern

california is just all trailer trash i'm just kidding of course it's not all trailer trash but sometimes it feels of course it is it is is! It is! Listen, I've lived in Long Beach, which is about an hour from LA. That's like trailer trash that goes to the ocean and becomes bro trailer trash. Yeah, that's like trailer trash where you're fine with seeing oil rigs on the beach

as your view of the beach. Like, I can afford to live on the beach! I'm living right on the beach! Like, BP is like... Why does this smell like BP in here? You know, two years ago, I think it was two years ago, there was a surfing competition at Huntington Beach. And afterwards, there were these big riots. And there was an article in the Los Angeles Times where the people from Huntington Beach were like, yeah, this is the fault of the 909. People coming in from the 909 are just like really they're just

like trash and they're ruining our lovely community and it was like the funniest thing ever it was basically just trash calling themselves trash you know or like attacking the other trash it's like you're just trashed by the beach they're just trashed by the desert it's the same trash well huntington beach is nicer because it's right on the water and also they have really nice strip malls. Huntington Beach has really perfected the art of strip malls and I think most people there have a job. No, no. Huntington Beach

is trash. I am being so awful. It is. The way it goes is that the nicest one, I believe, is Laguna. It gets nicer the more south you go. Oh, Laguna's nice. So it goes Laguna and then Newport. Like, Laguna and Newport are like... Newport's like a little trasher, I think.

And then you get to Huntington. And Huntington is like... Huntington's like the shitty one of those. And then next is like Seal Beach and then Long Beach and Redon. It's just, you know, it gets bad. And then it starts to get nice again when you get up to Manhattan Beach. But there's like that... Yeah, that's not good. It's Redon. It's just, you know, it gets bad. And then it starts to get nice again when you get up to Manhattan Beach.

But there's like that. Yeah, that's not good. It's no good. It's all trash. It's all trash. It's all trash. I mean, just look at, I think, were Lynn Curtin and her family, weren't they from Huntington Beach or something like that?

I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass. I'm on the caffeine. What can I say? I'm making blanket statements about perfectly nice communities, but the truth is... Well, if you're talking about pulling things out of

your ass, that would actually be perfect for those people, don't you think? Right. Oh, I'm getting the biggest toenail with... I'm giving myself a hand pedicure right now. Well, anyway, so now that I have taken myself out of the running for Huntington Beach Mayor, I think that...

But don't you remember when he called our community trash? They'd vote for me because I said their strip malls were nice. They'd be like, that's our new mayor. I'll be like, let me shake your baby, darling. Love the strip malls. I'm the mayor of Huntington. What can I say? I'm a snob. I'm sorry if I Huntington what can I say

I'm a snob I'm sorry if I offended you all but you know what though up your game people up your game you know what I realized as I just traveled the world from California to South Madrid

as I become a world traveler I realized that the entire world is trash darling that's the whole point. There's trash everywhere. There really is. I mean, you just go anywhere. It's just nothing but trash. Nothing but MBT.

I'm talking on some bullshit $20 mic I probably shoplifted in a twin bed I don't fit in, in a place I'm not paying for, in South Padre with an open pack of cigarettes and i'm drunk at three in the morning in my underwear with the tan that doesn't even work yeah i mean come on guys who's the trash it's like trash calling trash trash exactly and you know if

you want to look at where the epicenter of the trash is it is right here in this part of the podcast in this corner apartment right here looking over the homeless guy shitting in the street and I got my dirty sheets on my bed that I have to clean. So I want the trash to know that I'm not saying I'm not trash. I am part of the trash. Just waiting for an ambulance

to come unstick the chicken nugget out of MJ's windpipe. Yeah, so listen. I am part of the trash. But I also reserve the right to have trash self-loathing, okay? And so I'm going to call out all the trash that I see. And I say, Huntington Beach, 909, you're both trash. Trash!

You're all trash! Oh, I bet the Garbage Pail Kids would have started there. Anyway, so let's start with, speaking of trash, why don't we go to Orange County? Because we've actually now trashed Orange County quite a bit without even talking about the show. We just basically just did a sledgehammer. Well, here's one thing I've learned about Orange County, both from spending a lot of time with people from there, while actually there, in one of these mansions that overlook the beach and all this. And this is why, because I was catering there a few years ago.

Sorry, I'm poor. But here's what I've learned. I would totally still be a Christian if that's how you did it. Because that kind of Christianity is like, let's fuck whoever we want, get married 10 times a year, our children can beat people, and then we can still call ourselves Christian. It's like, what the Christian. What the hell?

What the hell kind of Christianity is that? Because it sounds way more fun than my version. Yeah. It's the sort of Christianity that inspires big, wide roads, which is also what Orange County is full of. The best part about Orange County is, like, super wide highways and super wide roads. Yeah. And also Heather being called a C-word by commenters in the newspaper there. Yeah.

So let's start the – let's start – I'm trying to make my computer come to the toilet. Oh, I can't pee on the podcast. I'm sorry. You have to press pause because I'm going to pee on myself. All right, darling. We're going to press pause so Ronnie can pee. All right, everyone?

Think about things right now. Think about your life. Think about the trashy things in your life that do not include Ronnie peeing on the podcast. All right. We'll be right back. All right. Ronnie is now back from the bathroom. How was it, Ronnie?

Sorry about that. I'm getting used to peeing in the ocean. You can just go pee whenever you want. So now when I pee, my body's just naturally used to letting it go. Well, I hope you feel relieved. I hope you feel relieved. Nothing makes me want to urinate more than talking about

Real Housewives of Orange County. It just gets the bladder going. Gets that uric acid. Why does it burn when I pee? Because you're talking about the Real Housewives of Orange County, darling. You caught it from the TV. It's coming from inside the TV.

The pee is coming from the TV. Oh, Lord. So I'm going to let you steer the Orange County discussion because for some reason, well, I know why I didn't take a lot of notes because I watched it this morning and I had cobwebs on on my eye and i can tell you i was like you know what i'm just not gonna take notes i just can't deal with it but then i did take some notes because my first note was about mama mia meatballs so anyway you go you start mama mia meatballs

all right real housewives of launch county Okay, I watched these on the beach, laughing my ass off. A neighbor came out to make sure it wasn't like a possum fish. Which beach did you go to? In South Padre? Yeah. Are there different ones? I think there's just one, right? I wasn't sure if you switched the beach.

Oh, Ronnie. You set me up. It is time to switch the beach. I am Ronnie. You set me up. It's time to switch the beach. I am freaking out about that pun. I was so excited I got to say it. I'm freaking out. I switched the beach. Poor Ben.

You're stuck with me drunk in a twin bed and you don't have notes. Do you know I have 10 pages of notes? I was dying. I actually rewound it a couple times because i was dying okay my notes start with the previously's on okay because i just love vicky saying cancer loves bread it's like no bread cancer loves bread that should be a new bread commercial yeah because cancer

loves it. I mean, that's like a huge part of our population now. So let's try and make cancer happy. Yeah. And then when Vicky was saying, would God be mad that I'm talking to a psychic? Bitch. Yes. If you read the Bible, of course he would be mad.

I don't know if we talked about this before but that is satanic okay anything like reading the future and all that of course god would be mad that's why i was like i love this version of christianity it's like i'm psychic yeah um okay news abuse we already talked about abuse which is always hilarious and then i was like megan's chest muscles remind me of when i learned how to roast a chicken and then take all the meat off the bones to shred it for enchiladas there's like this middle part of the chicken that looks like megan's chest in that opening picture but it's usually covered in black slime that looks like boogers and poop and you have to like

try not to throw up while you clean it. So that's her body. Okay, and now let's start with the regular show. It's positive music, but then they're showing Shannon. It's like, do-do-do-do-do-do. It's just Shannon, and I'm like, this makes no sense. And then she's like, I've gone through such emotional things, and then the music completely stops. You just can imagine the musicians just sitting there, like sl just can imagine like the musicians just saying

they're like slinking out like that the musicians on the titanic they're like okay we'll just we'll just chuck ourselves overboard now garage band loops have gotten so smart that they know when a bitch is too depressing to even continue looping i just imagine i just imagine the instruments all having little googly eyes and hands and feet and then when they see this they all just sort of like walk off the screen like the hot dogs and hamburgers going let's go out to the movies let's go out to the movies they're like oh let's let's go out let's get out of shannon's house let's get out of shannon's house they just walk off and then the and then the guy from the broom from TV's bloopers and practical

jokes just sweeps them off, like, alright guys, get on out of here, Shannon, see ya. She'd be like, did you guys stare at that dancing popcorn box? Why are we staring at that dancing popcorn box? I'm never dancing with another popcorn box again. David, I don't want to have negative thoughts, but I keep seeing

that hot dog dancing around, and it's reminding me of how much weight I've gained because of your affairs, David. David. So if Sherman hasn't mortified herself enough yet on national TV, we hope... I'm just imagining Shannon being tormented by animated hot dogs and hamburgers, dancing around in popcorn boxes, and she's like, David, I don't know how you could be saying these things right now when there's a hot dog

dancing right there. Right there, there's a hot dog that wants to go out to the movies. David, are we going to go out to the movies? Grab ourselves a snack? David, why are you staring at that hot dog? David! David! David, did you go to the movies with your hot dog mistress, David?

David. What did your hot dog mistress, David? David. What did your hot dog put on itself, David? Because I'm never eating that condiment again. David, every time I have a negative thought, I'm just going to think about the hot dog and the hamburger and the popcorn going out to movies instead. And I'll think about that 40 to 50 times a day, David. David. David, I'm going out to the movies again.

Let's go out to the movies, David. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies and have ourselves some fun, David. David. So, hold on. Let me find it again. Okay. So, if Shannon hasn't mortified herself enough on national TV, we open with Shannon at the gym.

And she's like, well, I've gained some weight because, you know, I felt some pain this year. And pain caused me to eat an extra wheat thinner to a day. And before you know it, I've got an extra box of wheat thins on my stomach. Okay, so then she pulls out her box of wheat thins on her stomach. Woman, are you nuts? First of all, how do I have Shannon Bedore's body? I do too. I'm sad to admit. I basically Bedore's body? I do too. I'm sad to admit.

I basically got Shannon's body. She started making her stomach like say things. My arm flaps are just like hers. I feel like I have a skin snuggie. That's what I'm wearing. And Shannon has it too. And she's like, I'm going to prove that you can even work out after you're 50 and make it all work.

Oh no. Poor Shannon. She certainly has not missed 30-year-old with her body and her chicken skin body. And then she goes to see this weirdo trainer who's like, He has, like, that deep breathing that Kim Richards used to date. What was that guy? Yeah, Ken. Ken.

And then he, like, grabs her thumb and he pushes down on it. And she's like, ow, ow. He's like, oh, that must be that you are holding on to some resentment about something. And now you're letting it out. Oh, those are your inner emotions coming out. I'm like, no, asshole. You're pinching her really hard and it hurts. No trainer says that, by the way.

That guy has, like, a foot-tall wig that's slicked back. He can't talk because of all of his coke use and his gigantic tongue. I don't know where she found this trainer, but he can barely breathe. I wouldn't go to him. And he's like, you must have something. He's like, when I whip you with this belt belt those are your childhood memories trying to escape she's like no childhood was wonderful i was living off my father's money we had tons of money it was when i had my own children and married david then i went all back

he's like yeah this comes from stress and she's like well i have had a year full of negative thoughts shut up it's like even the trainer has to hear it this guy basically like tells people to lift weights all day and then jerks off in a public shower like why are you telling him your problems yeah so she talks about her muffin top blah blah blah and then she actually says which is like a kick in the ball to feminism. You know, how does feminism even still have balls? It probably doesn't. Bravo is like de-balled feminism. I think inherently it cannot have balls.

Well, you know, feminists. You know, mental balls. Gone. Mental balls. Feminism is really dead. That's a vagine. A vagine. It's like a rental vagine that will only love you

if you have enough money or whatever. Because these women have no self-respect. So Shannon's like, well, this is why I had an affair. Because I have a muffin top. It started with me messing up a Mad Libs game and that started one negative thought and then it was like a negative thought snowball that turned into a boulder

that crushed a whole city. And then David was fucking a waitress at Applebee's before you... She's like, I can't see any show that stars Shiri Applebee because it reminds me too much of the Applebee's where David found that waitress. David did not fuck somebody else because you have a muffin top, okay?

He fucked somebody else because you won't shut up, Shannon. Shut up, Shannon. Stop nagging him, Shannon. David. David. David. David.

David. Do you realize I cannot listen to TLC any longer because it reminds me of the Chili's where you met that stupid waitress also. David. Chili. T-Boss. David. David. I know my pop culture, David.

David. She's like, well, I originally started to ask David for a list of all the restaurants that he went to. So I wouldn't have to eat there. And then I thought, well, heck, you know,

all these kids know how to make apps now. So I hired someone to make an app like Yelp that David's mistresses can go on and review the restaurants that David's taken them to. So I know how good the sex was behind the dumpsters at those restaurants. It's like a Yelp for David's Affairs. It's called Shannon's List.

Shannon's List, where no one gets raped, but we have plenty of negative thoughts. Just emotionally raped, David. I wish I had a button to turn these negative thoughts off, but I don't have a could you could you work my button muscle so i can have a button strong enough to turn off the negative thoughts and then we move on to tamra and her empty ass gym oh yeah cut fitness with the only fat person in orange county who seems to do everybody's makeup.

I'm horrified for this girl. Because the only time they ever invite her anywhere is like a diet party. They're like, look, it's a Snapple diet tea opening. Invite the fat makeup artist. She's like, why does the fat one always have to go to the gym opening? Oh, yeah. So she and Eddie were doing a video to to drum up business for cut fitness listen lady if having your gym prominently displayed on a national cable show

every single week does not get you business there's no way a youtube video will do it okay i'm sorry it's time to give up the dream. I mean, what? Do they not have curves in fucking Orange County? Get out of here, Tamara. How about you focus on putting some more stuff on your shelves and de-warping the wood, and then maybe you'll get some people in there. How about focusing on actual working out instead of just changing every fucking bone in your body

from a doctor that probably is doing shit for free because you'll talk about them on TV instead of working out. That would probably make people more inspired to actually do it the natural way. Right now, do you know who's winning? Botched. That's the only person profiting from your appearances on this show, you idiot.

So anyway, this whole scene is a glimpse into her marriage to a gay guy because she's like, Eddie's not even home anymore. He spends all of his free time in the steam room with the gym. Well, yeah. Yeah. Dirt.

There's probably babies growing in that fucking drain pipe, Jenny. But Eddie and Tamara visibly hate each other now. And they have some team of 20-year-olds telling them how to get more business through social marketing darling because everyone decides to go to the gym after watching a couple of youtube videos about old people pretending to fuck i mean get out of here yeah they're so stupid no yeah no do you remember the youtube video we talked about it on the show which youtube video this one this one that they shot okay so what they were shooting well they're talking about shooting videos for youtube to get like a viral following which is hilarious because you know

they both got some kind of virus but they're they're both talking about viral marketing to get more people so they're like going for a youtube audience by the way they're 12 on youtube and um their first video video was a sex tape where they were making sex sounds. She's like, yeah! He's like, yeah, hard it, baby. But then they pull back and he's just holding her feet while she does crunches.

And I'm like, why would I need to go to a gym to do crunches? None of this makes sense. It reminds me of any time on The Celebrity Apprentice when Donald Trump gives them crunches none of this makes sense yeah i um it reminds me of any time on the celebrity apprentice when donald trump uh gives them a task to make a viral video and then the people the celebrities never have any idea of what a viral video is they're like you know what it is sex sells let's do something with sex and they do something ridiculous and offensive and so embarrassing

that it makes donald trump look you know decent that this reminds me of people who just have no idea the way totally they should just call that gym the first person to get kicked off of celebrity apprentice gym more people would go yeah exactly exactly or they should the viral video would be let's watch how many people trip during zumba class on the warped floors camera and the hidden camera and watch people fall over. Now that would be funny. I would watch that. So basically she's saying in this scene that

she owns the gym because she was the famous one, right? So she owns most of it, but Eddie's the one who actually works there. So whenever they're shooting she comes to the gym and Eddie gets you know, mean to her because she tries to control everything, which she doesn't even work there. Yeah, and she doesn't even have a penis for crying out loud.

Yeah, I mean, I'm on Eddie's side. I actually am on Eddie's side, too, because I would not want to have my entrepreneurial endeavor be tied up with Tamara Barney. No, I wouldn't want anything tied up with Tamara Barney. I mean, that poor guy just wanted to be famous. Now he's stuck working some blue-collar job in some shit place with an uneven floor and nothing on the counters. Oh, my Jesus. This guy fucked his way down the ladder.

Yeah, you know what? You know what's a great way to promote your gym? Not airing out all the problems with it on national TV because now it's been two years and we're still talking about the uneven gym floor which you know it's probably been fixed by now like it's to be realistic it's probably been fixed but all we do is talk about the warped floors at cut fitness so that's not a good marketing move on your part by the way everything that happens at cut fitness is wrong okay that? That logo is two intertwined C's, which is like two cunts hugging.

It's like hugging cunts. And then there's something under it that I can't even decipher. I don't even understand why anybody wants to go to this gym. You know what you need? A bowl of M&M's in the front. That's the only way anybody's showing up there. They need the West Coast outpost of Truth and Beauty

to be attached to it. That'll get the sales. Oh, we got the sex toys over here. Anal massages by Eddie. So this was them fighting because Eddie is terrible at YouTube videos and so is Tamara. So they were blaming each other for being terrible.

He's like, I'm Eddie. And this is. And she's like, why are you introducing me like that? Just say, I'm Eddie. And he goes, but I don't say I'm Eddie. Like, you normally say, I'm Eddie. And this is, dot, dot, dot. Yeah, he was.

I know. He was like doing a jazzercise video. Because he was presenting a little too hard. And this over here is, come on, girl. Say your name. It was like doing a jazzercise video of the world because he was presenting a little too hard. And this over here is come on, girl, say your name. It's like, Jesus. Yeah, and Tamara's just like, work out here. I'm on TV, bitch.

Yeah. So anyway, after this scene, I think we went on to the medium. Vicky. Oh, yeah. Vicky got a medium. Vicky got a medium. So she needs to have some closure, you know. Oh, God. Poor Billy.

She's like, look at Billy. He's just a strat, you know, because he caught, you know, he counted on my mom. She took care of him. He lived with her and then she died. He can't even find the Disneyland tickets and he doesn't have the password for her iPhone. So, you know, it looks like he's not going to be able to go. You know what he needs to do? He needs to start working.

He needs to get a job. Never. He'll be living in our house within a year. Yeah. Mock my words. Yeah, he certainly will be. Yeah. So they call a medium to come over and it's just like flaming gay guy with Tamara's twin

head, which is so funny. They have the same forehead and she also invites Tamara and Shannon. I don't know why. Yeah. Because they were like, well, the best part was Vicky is explaining. She's like, you know, it's just, you know, I was at, I invited them because I was at Shannon's house when it happened, and

I will never forget that night. And Tamara's like, me neither. I will never forget it either. I'm like, Tamara, it's not about you. It's about, let Vicky have her moment. But. I'm like, Tamara, it's not about you. It's about... Let Vicky have her moment. But also, Vicky, yeah, I know. Let Vicky have her dead mom moment. How long does this go on? Vicky's like,

Oh, Shannon, you know when we were playing bunco? That's when I found out your mom died. Also that you got a lot of bunkos. Bunko? Bunko? Oh, never mind. Of course not. Oh, God. bunkles. Bunko? Bunko? Oh, no. Bunko?

Never mind. Of course not. Oh, God. Who's David Bunko? Oh, Bunko. Bunko! Bunko! David.

David? David, is Bunko the name of your mistress? Bunko? Bunko! Shannon's like, okay, did you talk to your mom? Okay. Has David had sex with any of these ghosts

that you're seeing? Tell me. Where have they eaten? Where do these ghosts eat you have to excuse me i'm having a bunco party with a walking hot dog and hamburger let's go out to the bunco let's go out to the bunco let's go out to the bunco and have ourselves a bunco so before we even get to the medium part shannon is mad because she's like oh hi brooks how are you doing and he's like great you know we were in mexico we were in andalas i ordered a couple random a couple of rounds of chemo and they brought me extra chips with it delicious she's like brooks are you juicing and he's yeah. And so she's mad that he's juicing, which I guess we'll get to later.

But this was the foreshadowing. Yeah. Okay, so this medium is like, okay, I'm seeing that your mom, like, he literally talks like that. He's like a walking stereotype. He's like, okay, I'm seeing a ghost, and the ghost is telling me

that your mom had a bad haircut. Vicky's like, oh my God, she did. He's like, your mom had a terrible accent. She's like, oh my God. Your mom liked cheese. Your mom peed herself. Oh my God. She's like, oh, you're so right.

And then Tamara's like, nah, he's stupid. He's bullshit. He's a spatch. He's stupid. Because he says something like, and your mom also wants you to know that your grandson has a tattoo and she likes it, but he should stop. And then Tamara's like,

what sort of tattoo is it? And then they actually went to commercial on that like the the psychic was like um and so when they come back the psychic is like um oh well uh let me ask her um so she says she likes the tattoo and you know the thing is that it's like it's hard for me to get a read because when people interrupt me like tamra just did then i can't like listen to the spirits So don't talk when I'm talking, Tamara. And she's like, I can't believe he yelled at me. What a bitch.

Yeah, it was like the pissiest medium of all time. Well, good for him. Who needs to sit and have some fucking awful woman with possum face, like, hissing at you while you're trying to fake a reading, for Christ's sake? Yeah. And I love that Tamara's on this whole thing, like, you can't even prove you're trying to fake a reading for Christ's sake. And I love that Tamara's on this whole thing like, you can't even prove you're psychic. I mean, you can't even prove it. I mean, what am I supposed to have?

Faith? You remember that you're a new Christian, right? And you have no proof of anything that you believe. You know that, right? So maybe you should try that with the faith a little bit while you're still pretending to be a Christian, you stupid batch. Yeah, and she wanted to be shown

how stupid she was. She was like, why can't you just pretend? Why can't you say something like, I'm seeing something dark and splotchy? She's like, she wanted him to say something blatantly manipulative, so that way she could be manipulated into thinking, oh my god, he's speaking with his spirits. Why? Why does she

want that? his um his stuff that he said was actually pretty decent because he told he said your mom wants to say that her dental work was complete and vicky's like oh no vicky's like we just paid for her dental work and then they cut to brooks looking all jealous brooks is like trying to make himself cry his lips are quivering And then they cut to Brooks looking all jealous. Brooks is like trying to make himself cry. His lips are quivering. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks. Reconstruction. MLK. February. Black History Month. Exactly. Exactly. think about when they hear the words black history rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about especially outside of february and we are about to flip the script on all of that because on this show you're gonna hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some.

As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all

episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Brooks is like, she got her dental work finished, but I'm still waiting for diamonds in my molars. What else did he say? I think that was it. Grandson tattoo, testing medium, test Jesus. When Tam talks, I can't hear his cross interference

colon cleanse oh yeah he's like also Billy I see that you can't poop anymore and you need a colon cleanse and Billy's like oh okay all right I guess I didn't realize I needed that but okay okay

then we move on to Megan oh yeah she's like this is how the scene opens i'm really having a hard time being a mom because i'm just 30 i miss 30 year old and there's like a you know and i have a really dumb stepdaughter who doesn't even go to school properly. So I don't know what to do about it. Pretty much. She's like, Hayley, let's have a talk. And Hayley's like, what?

She's like, Hayley, you're not doing your schoolwork. And Hayley's like, I don't feel good. I'm sick. I'm like, your mom has cancer so maybe maybe we should stop complaining i think that what she said didn't she say like oh how was it with your mom she's like it was fun but you know she's sick it's like oh yeah oh no i thought she said it was fun it wasn't fun because i'm sick oh and. And I was like, really? You're complaining about your little headache meanwhile you're spending time with your mom

who's dying of cancer in a Carrie Fisher wig. Shut up, girl. Either way. Be nicer. Whatever it was, whatever interpretation of the scene it was, they all are stupid. They're all awful.

They're all stupid. Because the issue is that Hayley, she's basically homeschooled. She's on an independent study, quote unquote, which is basically that they give her work and she comes into school once a week to prove that she's alive, essentially. And she hasn't even been doing that part of it.

Yeah, and Megan's like, you have to go to school. I mean, at the very least, you can pay attention to economics because if you don't, you're going to marry a poor person and then there's nothing i can do and hailey's like whatever like rolling her eyes and megan's like okay here's a hundred dollars yeah that made no sense she's like since you've been doing really well in bowling class here's a hundred dollars if you save this up then you can buy yourself your own purse and then you wouldn't

have to ask your father or me for it and she's like uh okay bye it's like her coke money she's like sniffling the whole time yeah that was not a great example of parenting yeah it was stupid megan's like i don't know why i can't like figure out parenting i'm like well how about you start with not giving a hundred dollars to your stepdaughter that's a good way start. How about not writing your initials on the back of her dying mother's antiques while you're walking around the house? Let's start with that, Megan.

Little Miss 30-year-old. Little Miss 30-year-old. Okay, so then we go to Shannon with her pre-Valentine's dinner. It's a pre-V dinner. Because David has to have five Valentine's Days a year now because he didn't buy her a gift any year in a row. She was like, well, David, last year I bought David all these things and he got me nothing.

But to be fair, he was also having the affair at that time. Yeah, he was busy. You know, to be fair, he was having an affair with someone who actually made the effort to work out. You know who doesn't give Valentine's gifts? Fat people. That's why they're always giving chocolate to thin people. Fat people don't actually get the chocolate. They get it every other day. It's not special. David! David, where

are you going? David. So they go out to this restaurant. This is classic Orange County. They go to this restaurant that looks actually fairly classy and then the waiter walks up to him and is like, Oh, I may recommend the Mamma Mia meatballs, huh?

Alright, okay. Great. And also, it was classic Shannon because she starts, she's like, Hi! With that fake Joker smile. She's like, Hi! I'd like a Grey Goose Neat and I'd like's like, Hi, I'd like a Grey Goose neat,

and I'd like water with lemons, but I'd like the lemons on the side so I can mix it myself. Yeah. She's like, This isn't Build-A-Bear, bitch. Yeah. I'd like to have it deconstructed in Manhattan, please.

Thank you. And then I will construct it the way I have to reconstruct my marriage. Thank you. I'd like to put this together so I can do it in a way that's something palatable for David so he's not fucking another glass of water by the end of the night. Thank you, waiter. I'd like to have my cocktail fragmented much the way our relationship has been fragmented ever since David's been cheating on me.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Could you give me some lukewarm water with ice in it so I can watch the ice dissipate like my marriage? Thank you. I like my cocktail neat, please. Just the way my marriage was neat until David ruined it with his mistress, his sloppy, sloppy mistress. So Shannon cannot take a hint. Okay, your first hint is that your husband cheated around one time.

Then your second hint was that he cheated around a second and third and fourth time for like a year and a half each time. Okay. And then your third hint is that his romantic gift to you is a diamond bracelet that's a dragon. Yeah. That is not a compliment. This is the magic dragon, the dragon lady, those that uh khaleesi can't keep under control there is nothing good that happens with dragon champion he's like romantic he's like this is a reminder of how overbearing you are and that you are the lady who breathes fire down my neck every

time i see you so love you babe he's like i wanted to get you a diamond bracelet that feels like shackles with a dragon head at the end. She's like, oh, David. This is because you remind me of the giant dragon in Shrek that everyone was afraid of. And then goes off with a donkey. And I'm the donkey. I feel like a donkey around you. So she's freaking out. And then she starts fake crying with her david david oh david who knew

we'd be here together me you an updated jillies with me with an evil bracelet oh david i'm having memories i hate that i have them i hate it but i'm flooded with shit david i'm flooded with shit and i thought well maybe that gay psychic was talking to her if anybody needs a colon clamp it's probably her well i think i think this is when she actually said like i never thought i'd be here with david i never thought you know six months ago a year ago i thought about i had negative thoughts about david all day long i thought about nothing but his affair but now i only think about it you know 40 or 50 times a day i was like woman that is still all day long i thought she's gonna be like i only think about it like three or four

times a day 40 or 50 times a day i don't think about anything 40 or 50 times a day except maybe like am i going to die that's it or m&ms yeah i think of being in m&ms yeah but yeah she's like i don't want to think about it 40 50 times a day it's called progress people meanwhile david's like, I only think about it 40, 50 times a day. It's called progress, people. Meanwhile, David's like looking at every woman that passes. He's just like, God save me. It's like, honey, I'd just like to thank you for saving our marriage and for keeping our marriage together, honey. And, you know, forcing me into this marriage and threatening to make me a homeless, broke person if I left you. Thanks, babe. So romantic.

Wow. God, we're talking a lot about a show that nothing happens on all right and then heather went to do stuff to tamra i don't care yeah no okay heather was just sitting on a beach and being annoying yeah and heather was like yeah you need to really make an effort to see your husband like i do like i see terry in the morning i hand him a fruit roll-up on the way out the door and then i'll have sex with them occasionally and maybe try and get facetime in it's great it's a great relationship yeah that actually sounds awful you might as well be like having sex with like the harmony app on your phone that controls all the light switches in your house like what the hell all right next is the bowling trip bowling and heels oh yeah yeah this is uh yeah they go to bowling alley and uh they're like do you have to wear bowling shoes do you have to it's like have you

guys you guys are like 65 years old each one of you 65 years old and you've never been to bowling alley before i mean i have to give props to megan because she was the one who was like i don't care what the shoes look like i'm putting on bowling shoes because i because she was the one who was like, I don't care what the shoes look like. I'm putting on bowling shoes because I know I want to win. I was like, good for you, girl. Good for you. She wants to win. These bitches were all born when it was still milk crates and like a baby that you hurled at it.

Like, get out of here. Like, you were here at the dawn of bowling. What are you talking about? Don't act like you don't know how bowling works. I really thought it was funny when Megan said that she yeah, Megan said that she took bowling in high school. She took a bowling class in high school. That actually explained a lot about Megan. Yeah.

Megan went to a high school where there was actually a bowling class. Yeah, that's where she learned all her current events. Yeah. Vicky's like, oh, hi, everybody. Oh, you know, it's so hard to bowl because my dead mom loved to bowl. And then she's like, my kids can take care of, or my mom can take care of Brianna's kids while we kidnap her and show her a trip.

I thought my mom was alive. I was like, Vicky, shut up. You just mentioned her five seconds ago. You know she did. Get over yourself. Stop it. Well, the part that made me laugh the most about that, when she said, like, oh, my mom can babysit them. I was like, ooh, okay.

And then she, instead of her being like, oh, God, this is awful. She goes, guys, I forgot my mom died last week. I forgot my mom died two weeks ago. I forgot my mom died. I forgot my mom died. She died. I forgot my mom died. They're all ordering appetizers. She's like,

I'd like some calamari and some of my mom. Oh, God! I forgot you guys 86'd her. God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, you guys. Vicky, we get it. You know what I hate? I hate bowling shoes fashion. Don't you hate that too, Mom? Oh, God, I forgot my mom

died. Oh, man! She's so stupid. Just that phrase, I forgot my mom died she's so stupid it's just the way just that phrase i forgot my mom died it's such a weird way to say it's like a like oddly blunt you know it's like it's for for a dot for someone grieving to say that it's just like your parent dying is such a serious sad thing and vicky has made it look you have me being nice the first week that's all you get bitch it's like three weeks later stop it she's like now I have mom hair because my mom died

and I forgot oh and then when she's like oh you know my mom died and I still call her voicemail and I'm like hey mom it's Vicky I hope you're playing bridge and then I'm like oh they got it forgot she died. Bitch, please.

That voicemail would have been full like two weeks ago. Get over it. No one believes you. Stop it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like taking our attention off your square tits and your fake cancer husband. Get out of here, Vicky.

Do something else. All right. What else happens here? Blah, blah, blah. Poor Lizzie shows up. Lizzie might as well just be like a stained... I don't even know

what I'm going to say. She is pointless. Poor thing. And she is trying so hard. She's like, hi, everybody. And they're like, ugh. Could you order some more calamari from that girl who just came in? That's Lizzie. Well, of course course she's like sitting at the table alone for she's just waiting for everyone to get over get over there from the

bowling alley like classic lizzie just alone alone at a table and they always get up to leave and don't tell lizzie like if you notice in every scene everybody's leaving and lizzie's like oh i guess we're gonna leave now okay let me see how are you fine so lizzie's like, oh, I guess we're gonna leave now. Okay, let me see. How are you fine? So Lizzie's rude to her, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so then they go to the restaurant where they're still ignoring Lizzie and Heather has to order everything

because she's controlling, blah, blah, blah. I don't even know what happens here except that Heather, Megan wants to have a game night for couples. Shannon looks horrified and Heather's still still pretending that uh megan's just a waiter right it's like are you gonna be taking care of us tonight well then so then they have a dinner where they're like okay we're all gonna go to tahiti and um and what's her face heather is like furious that she's like doesn't know what the island is indeed she's like it's a hotel right it's a hotel that we're gonna go

that's the name of the hotel they're like no it's an island but the island's named at the hotel right it's every no it's about the hotel like no it's you don't know what it is it's just an island no no is that the name of the car company was The rental place? Moria? Yeah. Okay. So then they all go home. And there's this random scene with Megan. This really stupid scene. Stupid. Stupid. She goes home and she sees some of Hayley's homework sitting out there.

And she's like, Hayley, she did this wrong. And then there's an extended sequence where she has a calculator. And she's plugging Hayley she did this wrong and then there's like an extended sequence where she has a calculator and she's like plugging numbers into the calculator she's like that's wrong that's wrong I'm like you know I'm not sure if I trust your instincts on the stock market homework uh miss 30 year old

miss 30 year old bowling class graduate like I think it's the blind leading the blind at this point she's like if you're in the stock market a strike means that you get two turns added on to it oh she did this all wrong um also that was the scene this was my favorite scene of the night because it was megan trying to like get people on her side and she's like you know i'm always telling jim i'm just afraid of failure and i'm i don't think i can do this i mean i thought i could be a mother and now her mother's gonna die and then

it's just gonna be me and what if i'm not a good mother um the bitch is 17 years old you have to be a mother for like six more months shut up lady, lady. Like, I'm not buying this shit. That girl is almost old enough to marry, you know, your fucking throwaways. Please, she'll be fine. You've already taught her enough, dude. You're married to a rich guy. You're his third one. You've taught her stay thin, darling, and stay young if you ever want a man to pay for a house and new antiques for you,

you don't have to share with some other people. Yeah. Megan, shut up. Yeah, I just shut up. Sorry for you. Stupid. Stupid. Just stupid.

Take her to the bowling alley. Take her to the bowling alley. But don't expect Shannon Bedore to come back to the bowling alley, because you know why? You won't find me at the bowling alley on a Saturday night. David used to like to put his fingers in his mistress and toss her around. Well, I'm not going to bowl.

Not on a Saturday night. That's the night that I reserve. I don't even eat cereal out of a bowl. You know, my Saturday nights, I don't go to the bowling alley. Saturday nights are reserved for me driving around Orange County trying to find David and his mistress. David? Thanks to David, every time I try and eat cereal, I get milk all over myself. Thanks, David.

Great, David. David, where are you going? I hope you're getting some sugar for my Cheerios. David? David? David, it's Saturday night. That means I got my flashlight. I'll be driving around the streets of Orange County trying to find you. Got my flashlight. David? Negative thoughts. David, this

car doesn't even have gas. It's making its way to your mistress's house on negative thoughts. David, this car doesn't even have gas. It's making its way to your mistress's house on negative thoughts, David. Fueled completely by negative thoughts, David. David? David? David, it's Saturday night. That means I'll be patrolling the 73 looking for you. David?

David? Okay, Vicky and Tamara's mom. Okay, Vicky and Tamara's car breaks down. I don't care. Although I did think it was funny while they were in the car. Tamara's mom. Okay, Vicky and Tamara's car breaks down. I don't care. Although I did think it was funny while they were in the car. Tamara's like, yeah, so my mom was doing this hilarious thing

and then my mom was all, oh my god, Tamara! And then I was like, I know, mom, right? We're like so close, me and my mom. That's really appropriate right now. Yeah. And Vicky's like, oh yeah, I love my mom, too. Wait, she said I forgot.

She's like, could you take me to my mom's house, driver? Oh, my God, I forgot she died. Oh, my God, I forgot she died. Oh, my God, I forgot she lives in the middle of the country, too. Oh, my God, everything. It's all coming back. Vicky's telling Tamara, you know, when Brianna asked me where I want to be when I die, and I told her, I want to be in a wall

next to my mom. You know, because like a mausoleum. Like a wall. Vicky probably thinks she's really in like some wall somewhere. Mom, are you in there? Oh, God, the lights went out. Mom, is that you in the wall? Mausoleum, you idiot. And Tamara wants to be stuffed like a mannequin

in a store. my god is there a gremlin store i know it you better hope that they stuff you and like change everything about you because right now you look like you're a mannequin in a possum store yeah shut up yeah that's uh unless it's unless she's talking about like the spirit of halloween store that pops up in september i don't see any store that wants her that temporary store that's up in September. I don't see any store that wants her. That temporary store that's always in some warehouse next to a church. Yeah, it's always in the former Borders bookstore space.

Yeah. In Spirit of Halloween. Yeah, it's like the old Luann's Fabrics or whatever. What's that place called? Oh, Joanne's Fabrics. Luann's Fabrics. Might as well be, darling. It's basically made out of Joanne's Fabrics. Luann's Fabrics. It's very good. Might as well be telling. It's basically made out of Joanne's Fabrics. Yeah.

So then the episode ended with Tamara and Eddie deciding they're not going to work together and that Tamara's going to go back to real estate. So that's great. And that's basically it. So why don't we go on to Married to Medicine? Okay. But next week on Orange County, just for those of you who are complaining that there are no storylines, A, that's the whole point.

And B, next week you get to watch Shannon and David play the newlywed game. Oh yeah, that's going to be great. I started laughing out loud when I saw that. David? David? Alright, bye Orange County. We'll see you next week. Bye. Close. X. Don't save. Delete

notes. Never happens. Delete. Delete. Delete. Alright, marriage and medicine girl. Okay, now in save. Delete notes. Never happened. Delete, delete, delete. Alright, married to medicine girl. Okay, now in these previously's, I noticed that last week in the strip club, when Lisa Marie was yelling at the transgender stripper and stuff, she was holding a

pair of chopsticks. Chopsticks, yeah, I remember that. What? You're eating sushi at a strip club? Are you nuts? Who does that? Maybe she was just enjoying a lovely gyoza. Gyoza, raw fish in a strip club.

Oh, my God. It's like double the ass. Well, according to Darren later on, he does say they have very good food there. Oh, Darren. Man, Darren is not aging well. You know, isn't it a shame when you marry for looks and then they become ugly? That's called karma, bitch. He does have, I do feel a little bit bad for him because he doesn't have dad bod. He actually has mom bod at this point.

He does. And mom jeans. Yeah, he's got like a big old mom butt. You know how certain moms have certain butts? He's got one of those. Yeah, I mean, I really don't like bagging on... Well, I guess I do it all the time. I don't really like bagging on people's looks just for the fun of it.

But I guess my thing is, when you're dating someone, don't think of how they look right now. Because, first of all, if you start dating young, everyone's the cutest when they're young, right? You have to think how is this person going to look when they're old? Like, when they're old and gray, do they have nice eyes? Is their

cheek high enough? Like, what is it? Because he's not aging well. She should have looked into the future. Yeah, that's... It's not working out well for poor darren but anyway let's start at the top of the episode we have um an opening montage of nothing yeah it's the usual thing where it's like oh baby getting it done getting it done making life Look, Toya just got a Pop-Tart out of the toaster. Breakfast, Lord. And then it moves on to Heavenly. Yeah, she's like, Lord, let's talk about Heavenly's

angels, Lord. Lord, what are you doing out there in the doorway? Lord, why don't you come on in here? Girl, are you a lady? Because if you're a lady, you can sit in my bag. You can get your wings. I'm going to start.

Talk to heaven, these young angels. Because people need me to tell them things. People need me to tell them things, girl. I have a question. How many motivational speeches happen in atlanta on any given day because every single show that takes place in atlanta has like three of these seminars per season it was like in the new atlanta real house of atlanta this show every single show it's like it's like how many people in atlanta need to be empowered it's just non-stop non-stop i like how she explains it to alora and she's like you know how i tell you you can be

anything and alora's like uh-huh except gone and she's like yeah laura well you know some people need someone to look up to like me i mean some people don't have moms to tell them how good they are and alora's like they don't have moms and she's like but not mom's good like me so heavenly's gonna be everybody's better mom to like mentor them so that's her plan that works out great speaking speaking of uh inspirational figures then we have toya who uh toya's like pretending to work in her office she's basically drawing x's and o's on something. And she is wearing fishnets and like a doctor's like a white coat or something like that.

Which you would think is going to set up the scene for like, oh, Jean, let's get dirty right now in the ambulance. Wasn't she just wearing a long dress shirt? Maybe it was just a long white dress shirt. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, it was just a dress shirt. But then it was, then it just sort of like they kind of abandoned the idea that she was dressing sexy

and then she's like she decided to give jean some business advice because she wants to be a consultant with nomad md so she like she has like a whiteboard filled with all the ideas that she has and like it's just these random words like rejuvenate or nomad. It reminded me of back like 10 years ago when the Hills was on. And I remember Lauren and Whitney were sitting in their closet at the Teen Vogue offices. And Whitney had like a post-it on her computer and it was empty. It was just a blank post-it that she put on her computer screen to remind her of nothing it's like here if i put this on my screen it looks like i did some work

and it was like there was you wrote nothing on that post-it and then you attach it to your computer screen so it reminds me of this like if i write rejuvenate on a whiteboard and nomad that proves that i'm qualified to be a consultant for this failing business. She just says things. She's like, Eugene, you need me to talk to Cousilliers. What? Eugene, you need vitamins. What?

What? What is that? That is Eugene. What you should have did was Eugene, get some vitamins, get some vitamins A, B, and C, and you put them together and you should have did. Well, Eugene, get some vitamins. Get some vitamins A, B, and C, and you put them together, and you have Alphabet MD in your nose that you injected.

He's like, you're not in marketing. You're in sales. You're a saleswoman. She's like, yeah, but I would have been in marketing if they'd moved me up, but I just never stayed long enough at a job to move into marketing. Okay, I would have been in marketing if they had moved me up, but I just never stayed long enough at a job to move into marketing. Okay, I would have been in marketing. I just don't have the work experience, that's all, or the education, that's all.

And the only reason why I work in sales is because I really like boats, you know. She's like, we're in the music industry. A lot of people need injections of IVs. Because it's all right here in the IV. Yeah, that's what she said. She points to her vein. Get injected in the IV. I'm like, no, I wrote that down too. I'm like, you stupid idiot.

I've been reading a lot about what the drug czar says. He says most people get their drugs in the IV. And stupid Toya is sitting there trying to dress like his secretary and talk Eugene into all of this through sex. Look, obese men, first of all,

it's going to take him an hour and a few helicopters to even get that dick out of his mangina. I speak as someone with one. Fat guys don't just get horny. We have to want to get horny and then you have a lot of squeezing to do okay second of all no man who's been at work all day is gonna get horny in

a secretary scenario yeah you can't be like welcome to work he just wants to masturbate binge and go to bed yeah and i think um talking about marketing and sales and making a fake flow chart are not going to help matters either and also why are you naming your medical company nomad that is the worst name do you know what nomads do nothing they just travel around sponging off of everybody else it's like hobo health care we have all the medicines in a sack on a stick. Come in with a cold and leave with flies flying around you and crusted up poop in your butt crack. It's like, no, that's not a good thought.

How about like hero health? Yeah. Something. Yeah, exactly. Then to end off this meeting, her whiteboard falls on the ground. She doesn't know how to put it up. She's like, I meant to do that.

What I should have done was attach it more firmly to the stem. She's like, oops, this candle didn't do anything. Too much applesauce. So next up, we have my favorite recurring scene of this series, which is the two doctors of the show sitting around pretending to talk about cases. Because they never have an episode where they're like, hey, girl, hey, what's up? It's always like, oh, I had a patient today with an inebriated blah blah and a funk stone. today with an inebriated blah blah and a funk stone. And then

Simone's always like, uh-oh, IVO girl. She's like, that's right, her tubes are blocked. And they're like, ha ha ha ha ha. Alright, let's talk about the strip club. Oh, you would put those vibrating balls in your vagina?

So these two women Simone telling Jackie about what happened at the strip club was amazing it was so funny she was doing an imitation of the stripper and then she's like Lisa lost it, baby.

She lost it. And then Jackie goes, now this is the time, Lisa Nicole, that you put your cards up. Put your sunglasses on now, girl. I love those women. I know. My God. So funny. I guess I don't

have much to say about that, except I love those two women. They're so fucking funny. Okay, so then we go to drama, music, and we're at Lisa Nicole's house. Yes, yes. And she's angrily making coffee at the end of the night. It's like still, the sun's about to go down. She's like, I need some coffee. I'm going to be facing hangers in the proper direction all night long.

And as the door opens and Darren comes home out of the garage, Lisa literally looked at the camera like, oh Jesus, I have to deal with this motherfucker. Like she's not even bothering to pretend she's home alone. Right. And Darren's ignoring it and she's already fought with him so

she brings it up again so she can have him apologize on camera. Mm-hmm. And Darren's excuse. And his excuse was, well, you know, babe, sometimes I go to the strip clubs every now and then. And then she's like, no, not every now and then. And he's like, well, it wasn't my choice. It wasn't my choice.

Yeah, others wanted to go, and it was their idea. And I was like, okay. He's like, I basically was raped. I was strip club raped. It was non-consensual. I mean, you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go to church. I wanted to go and just sit there and think about God and my wife.

And the two things I love the most. But then I thought, why would I spend all that time on my knees and give 10 when i can give that 10 to somebody else to be on their knee yeah it all worked out perfect and she's like yeah but i remember that night and i asked you where you had gone and you said you went to get something to eat and he's like well i ate a pussy no he said he literally goes well they have a nice menu she's like she's like, well, I ate a pussy. He literally goes, well, they have a nice menu. She's like, okay, that's true. Their sushi was wonderful. And she also said, God-fearing men don't go to strip clubs.

And he said, listen, a lot of American men go to a strip club. You know, a lot of american men who make up their own rules for a religion they used to judge other people with go to strip clubs like no these bravo religion is not religion if religion was strip clubs and fucking psychics and just gambling and doing whatever the fuck you want and getting married 10 times everybody would be christian okay there would be no war about it. You know, Darren's biggest problem is not that he went to a strip club.

It's that he has a Brillo pad on his chin. He needs to shave that shit. It looks terrible. It is awful. Not cute. Not cute. And also, how is he a doctor? Because he can't talk.

Because he actually said what I should have did, which is totally toya toya your husband talks like toya you shouldn't be worried about all the pussies getting in the strip club you should be worried that he talks like toya girl run maybe they're going through some sort of freaky friday thing maybe toya is stuck inside darren's body hey babe what i should have did was to call the drug kazar and have my mommy juice. And then back at Toria's house,

it's like, you know what would help? People would call Nomad if somebody sat on their face every time they showed up. Because you can actually help each other. Alright, so what's next? Now we we go to quad and she just learned news that mariah had a miscarriage and now quad is feeling bad and this is where quad has revealed her new tagline or her new favorite phrase which is like well you know certain things have transpired

between us which she said five four or five times over course episode no exaggeration she's like you know things were certain things that transpired between me and mariah but you know i would never wish this on her you know especially even in consideration of the fact that certain things have transpired between us yeah she was like a really stupid person in an improv class that has to play a lawyer in a scene. Where they're just like making big sentences but they don't know any words. Toria, all I could do was focus on that wig

and think, God, that lopsided wig actually comes off as more intelligent than Quad in this scene. And then she's feeding her husband and all her husband wants to do is nothing to do with her. He's just like, I'm looking at Facebook, baby. And she's like, Facebook?

No adult is on the Facebook anymore. Only 70-year-old women are on books full of faces. Nobody does it. What are you talking about? She's like, I used to be on it, but certain things have transpired on Facebook

and, well, we all know I can no longer be part of that social media network. Yeah. It's like everybody found out that you had your face in Mariah's nook. Yeah. Everyone liked, like, thousands of people liked your whole eating Mariah's vagina picture on Facebook. And so now you're insisting no one uses it. Sorry, honey. Of course they do.

And especially Mariah, because Mariah is such a needy fucking fame whore, sad slag of a woman. Who puts that on Facebook? It was like two paragraphs long. And she's like, we have experienced a miscarriage. Not only a miscarriage,

but a double. We are so saddened. Listen, I'm sorry for your double loss. You do not put that shit on Facebook, bitch. Nobody wants to read about your miscarriage on the Facebook. I want to like kitty

pictures or congratulate people on weight loss or like see who's in a relationship status. I don't want to know about your miscarriage. Save that shit for the thrifty nickel. Yeah, I agree. I would not want to post that.

Like, yeah, she's thirsty. Thirsty. Yeah, thirsty. It's really sad. So she's on Facebook talking about her miscarriages. Awkward. And Quad's like, maybe I should have seen him, her. It's like making bad sentences. So the husband's like, baby, maybe you should become friends with Mariah again. At least then you weren't trying to make me food.

And so she decides to go see Mariah again. Her allegedly ex-lover. Yes. So, aka, she realizes that she has no friends left, so she has to go back to Mariah. Yeah, because she refuses to hang out with people because they were nice to somebody that she doesn't like. Yeah. Quad needs to go. Yeah, Quad is done.

Quad is our favorite in season one, and she's done. She's done. She's past her expiration point. Get her out of here. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of her wigs. I even hate her stupid dogs. You know what?

point. Get her out of here. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of her wigs. I even hate her stupid dogs. You know what? If you're forced to wear pajamas every day, either run away, run into an electric fence, or learn how to take that shit off with your teeth. I do not want to look at you pathetic little dogs in your fucking pajamas anymore. I'm sick of all of you. All of you get out. Yeah.

I agree. I think Quad is done. I think her expiration date has been reached. She's no longer entertaining and she's not she just doesn't bring anything. She's awful. Yeah, get rid of her. Done, done, done. Even her bad English is not fun anymore.

If Lisa Nicole is more entertaining than you, then you've got a real problem. Okay? And Lisa Nicole – so now we have – then we go to the seminar. Heavenly is talking about infidelity at the seminar. And I love Lisa Nicole is already like on edge. And she even has the – this is Lisa Nicole who held a similar seminar last year about empowering women. She then tells us, well, it's like my grandma always used to say, men are going to be men. And, you know, at least if they're gonna do something hopefully they'll do

it and you won't hear about it and be disrespected i'm like how is that empowering in any way that's yeah it's like you're married to a pig and he's gonna cheat on you and just don't you know as long as you don't find out about it he's respecting you that's like she's not mad that he went to the strip club she's mad that everybody found out about it. He's respecting you. It's like she's not mad that he went to the strip club. She's mad that everybody found out about it. And then she was fine with it once she could find a way to spin it. Oh, he was just there once with his brother eating pussy sushi or whatever. And it's fine because now she can explain it.

She's not embarrassed by it. It's so gross. And then she goes and tells the room. She's like, I'm glad I gave Darren another chance because he changed. I'm and tells the room she's like i'm glad i gave darren another chance because he changed i'm like what it's like oh he did change now he likes strippers at cheetahs instead of the at the slutty zebra whatever it's called you know yeah now he's actually tipping the women he fucks before he was just getting him free you know yeah um this whole thing was disgusting because heavenly heavenly mentor heavenly who just wants to help young ladies you walk in it's heavenly's gigantic stupid face everywhere and then all the women there um as

nini would say those are twitter people that was not a young woman seminar those people were like 40 years old okay yeah and then every issue heavenly brought up was mocking one of the ladies or completely embarrassing them on national television in front of a bunch of Twitter 40-year-olds. That was not nice. She's like, Toya's a gold digger, so she'll talk about that. And, you know, so-and-so's a this. And then Lisa Nicole, the second she walks in, she's like, his husband has had an affair. By the way, all of the women are like raising their hands they're like my hands

i just stayed jackie said it best when she said you know heavenly seminar is gonna heavenly's empowerment seminar is all gonna be about listening to your man and doing whatever he says yep and basically the most important thing heavenly said in the whole thing was when she made the doctors show how to put a condom on with a banana. And she's like, my mouth! That's what makes me famous. That's what I'm known for. My

mouth. Oh yeah, you gotta put that condom on with finesse and love! And she starts masturbating this banana. Oh. It was a bit much so then afterwards then there was like i think the women were all talking and jill was upset right because she was she was still upset about lisa nicole the way she treated her at the strip club and she's like i'm not used to people coming at me with things that aren't cohesive with my personality

what? congruent my dear God poor Jill so stupid to be the dumbest person on this show I mean that's a really low bar if you want anybody on your limbo team it's gonna be that girl

cause she can it's like they lowered the bar and she still made it under. Congratulations! I want to see Jill and Toya playing Wheel of Fortune. That's what I want to see. A lot of letters. A lot of letters are left on the ground. They'd keep spending their husband's money on vowels.

I'd like to buy a tea. Oh, it's a consonant. Pat Sajic would be like, it's free. Okay, I'll blow you. No, literally, it's free. You don't have to pay for it. By the way, Lisa Nicole didn't apologize to Jill. No! After all that, Lisa Nicole...

I just wanted you to know i don't have anything to do with that stripper and lisa nicole's like oh yeah i went home and told darren and then i found out that darren went there because his brothers made him and he just needed extra wasabi for his pussy sushi and then jill's like waiting for a sorry and it never comes i know i mean if anything i mean that was a mostly on bravo usually with the way these things happen is that someone has a lot of attitude until the person who committed the error goes up and apologizes we rarely see someone who deserves the apology go up to the other person be like listen i just want to like make sure everything's okay because i just want to i just just want you to know I had nothing to do with that.

Jill did not have to do that. And so the fact that she did that and then she still didn't even get an apology, I don't know, I felt bad for her. Yeah, that was bad. Her stupid little face. And then she kept pushing for it. And Lisa Nicole's like, well, whatever. He did smell like fish when he came home, so I let it go.

And Jill's like, yeah, but just again, just so you know, you yelled at me, but I want you to know that I had nothing to do with it. And Lisa Nicole's like, well, I'm just going to have to take your word for it, and we will take this one day at a time. What?

What does that mean? That's what you say to alcoholics. What's happening? I don't understand how this show works or how the women on this show work. To me, they're all nuts. Stupid. Stupid. We can skip a lot of this.

Let's see. Toya wants a new car. Is this when Eugene was eating a snack late at night? She was kissing his ass or whatever. And Eugene goes, don't put butter on me. I'm not a roll.

Yes, you are, bitch. You are what you eat. Lord knows you got plenty of them. She catches him, like, binging in the middle of the night. Eugene has gained probably 100 pounds since the show started, by the way. Listen, Nomad. Guess what Nomads do? They walk.

Yeah. Well, he's going to need an ambulance soon to take care of that heart issue. And then Eugene and his partner decide to interview Toya to make sure she's qualified to join the team. And his partner was like, operationally, we have operations down pat. I'm like, oh, God. Sounds like you really do. Yeah, this sounds like a great business. He's like, I want to make sure

you're a proper fit for our place. I'm like, you can't even get Ujina's shirt that fits. I don't think you're going to be the arbiter of fit. Okay? Fit is the new it. He's like, well, you know, Toyo, we don't really want you on here but

you know certain actions have transpired so you know we're gonna have to have you come on yeah that was embarrassing yeah he was like the snl johnny cochran yeah it was it was it was bad well then we get to the best part but they they do hire her because, you know, she may not know anything. She may be stupid, vapid, and basically just fucking a fat guy for his money. But at the end of the day, she's on TV. And that's what's really important to a business. Exactly. Because I know that when I'm sick, I want Toya.

I want her expertise. I'm like, what would Toya's obese husband think of my cold? I'm calling him and having him come right over you know that guy smells like chicken fingers okay so next is the apex of the show or as they would say on this show the plex

Quad goes over to Mariah's gigantic lease yes in the middle of nowhere with a terrible man-made lake yes and no furniture inside and she's like i have rung the bell to show you that i'm ready to ding ding whereas like welcome back to the castle, bitch. And so they have the funniest fucking talk, and it really made me want Mariah back right now. I know, me too.

Especially when, you know, Quad is explaining everything, explaining all the certain things that have transpired, and Mariah, her response was to us, she goes, that's what happens when you go to the cemetery and recruit a dead person to be your new BFF. You hang with the walking dead, honey, and you know they're going to go for blood.

Girl, that girl's so dead, she's laying in a grave. That carnation's all over her. That's how dead she is. I'm like, you know, it's vampires that go for the blood, not the zombies. We'll let that one slide, Mariah, because you went for it. You swung big on

that one. You're like, I am going to set up a very elaborate metaphor so I can say at the end that they're going for blood. That is why her and Quad are friends, or she and Quad are friends, because they just talk like they make no sense and they just wink at each other and go

mm-hmm, girl. It all made sense. None of it did. I know. She's like, uh-hmm, girl. Like, it all made sense. None of it did. I know. She's like, uh-huh, girl. Girl, you better zip up that scuba outfit and get out into that ocean. And be careful, because when you have friends that are down in the ocean, you're going to get bit by a shark, because they are out for blood. I was like, oh, oh, oh, now I see where you're going with that.

And then Quad is like, when I heard that you were pregnant, I was happy. on is like when i heard that you were pregnant i was happy and she's like trying to cry but it's like fake quad cry where even the 18 pounds of wig she has on top of her in 100 degree weather can't make her squeeze out any moisture from her face and mariah goes girl you know she tried to cry but that tear got stuck it was just stuck there and then they cut back and Mariah's staring at her waiting for her to actually cry she's like uh huh uh huh and Guad

can't do it oh my god get her back on the show right now absolutely I agree and then Mariah's like well you know I'm just glad to be here girl girl, because it was just so scary. First you're pregnant, then it's twins, and then you miscarry, and then they're trying to take your throat out on the way down. I'm like, look, I know a miscarriage is sad, but were they trying to murder you from the inside?

What was going on there? She's like, I'm just glad I made it here. I'm glad I made it back home mariah get out of here yeah i i was i was surprised at how much i was happy to see mariah given that i hated her for the past two seasons and then it's like when she's gone you realize oh wow she's kind of essential and they need to get her back on the show and get her into the mix as soon as possible she's an awful human being but she's's an awful human being, but she's a funny, awful human being. Funny.

God, she's so funny. And if you're going to keep Quad, you need Mariah, because those two are perfect together. They're just too much. Yeah, absolutely. She is the tree and Quad is the branch. Then they show the clip where Mariah's like,

well, you know, Quad, I actually did apologize to you and you never apologized to me and then they cut to Mariah's earnest apology at the reunion where Mariah's like okay fine Quad I'm so sorry I made you famous and amazing

and then Quad's like you distracted me and then whatever which is always never a real apology anyway but Quad's like, you distracted me. And then whatever. Which is always never a real apology anyway. But Quad's like, you're right. You know, I am sorrier than a baseball player with an oven mitt. And then they decide that that's like, okay. And they forgive each other. And then Mariah goes, this is so terrible to say this, but Mariah goes,

Yeah, well, I don't know about my relationship with Quad. I can say this much. Baby steps. I was like, too soon. Like, do you even remember your own storyline? For Christ's sake, women! Baby steps. I didn't even pick up on that.

God, this show kills me. Well, certain things have transpired, so, you know. Oh, and then Mariah goes, you may not like me at Well, certain things have transpired, so, you know. Oh, and then Mariah goes, you may be, you may not like me at times, Quad, but I never did a background check on your ass. I didn't call Experian a trans union

and then she names, like, every background check company that has ever been invented. She's like, I never used any of those. Or the FBI. God. Oh, yeah. Next week, in fact she's like i never used any of those or the fbi oh god oh yeah next week where's quad oh everybody's wondering where quad is and jackie's like quad needs a lot of time to get over things and she's just not over it as long as she's eating within her calorie allowance i say say good for her. And then we see Eugene night binging

again. And then Phaedra comes on to tell Quad that she can get Lisa Nicole thrown in jail. Oh, yeah. That's right. We have Phaedra coming on next week. And even Phaedra is looking at Quad like she's fucking crazy. Yeah. Love this show.

I'm surprised Quad isn't in a full body cast by now at least in the cold cloud she threw water at me and i have a scratch and i have to be in traction now and when she says next week she also says i'm a model honey yes pay me for this face i'm like name one person who has ever paid you for your face. I know. Please, name one. Okay. I mean, was she on the cover of Armadillo Fancy Magazine?

I don't know. Ow, my ankle's asleep. All right, wrap it up. Clear the podcast. All right, everyone. Everyone, thank you for listening. Thank you to our sugar mamas, Claudia and Christy.

Thank you for everything. I thank everyone. No, but seriously, guys, we have our live show in Austin. If you're going to be in Texas, if you're going to be in Austin, if you're going to be in that area, come to our live show at the...

Key Bar. The Key Bar. Downtown Austin. Saturday. Saturday, July 25th, 5pm. Come on, Dan. It's free at Charger. It's going to be so fucking funny.

You won't believe it. That's also a reminder that our next episode this week will be going up this weekend. Don't freak out, okay? Do not freak out. Thursday won't be up until Sunday. don't freak out, okay? Do not freak out. Thursday won't be up until Sunday. Don't freak out.

Don't. Do not. If you get bored, you can listen to our old episodes on iTunes or on Stitcher or SoundCloud. Most of you still haven't gotten the last one, which was so much fun. We did it live on Periscope and died. Yeah. And if you want even more, you can donate on Patreon and listen to our bonus episode.

That's content. So anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Thank you, Ronnie. And I'll see you soon in Texas. And I love you. I can't believe I'm going to get to see you in Texas. Are we still going to do that thing on Thursday night? Have you heard?

Yeah. You got a ticket. I'm going to see you twice in Texas okay we're gonna have so much fun on Thursday and I will have our periscope turned on late night on Thursday so we will find you somehow on Thursday

everybody out there in the world it's gonna be great and look forward to our single twice in Texas I can't wait to make out with your boyfriend he's mine. So cute. Thank you, Ronnie. I can't wait to make out with him also.

What are you thanking me for? I'm thanking you for complimenting my boyfriend. I'm just observing. You know, I compliment the Grand Canyon. No one says thank you for it. It's just gorgeous on its own, darling. Can't wait. On behalf of God, I say thank you.

Thank you. Thank you about the Grand Canyon. Thank you, Claudia and Christy, for making a beautiful canyon for us. Thank you. You guys, thank you for being here. This has been the most fun drunk podcast I've ever had. I'm going to miss you, Twin Bed,

with my purple tits. Love it. Alright. Bye, everyone. Bye, everyone. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It.

It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more you don't have to wait any longer just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy there's no need to wait for it anymore

because it's here and it's funny and I love you to the insurance company that did me wrong I've moved on and I am happily insured with another. Bless your peep-picking heart. It was just never meant to be betwixt us.

You gave me automobile insurance apprehension. And Geico has come along and in just 15 minutes given me new car insurance. And made me as jubilant as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval. That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another. Clara May in Columbia. Geico.

15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.