Watch What Crappens - #205: Live from Austin: Crap By Crapwest 2015!!

Episode Date: July 26, 2015

This week on "Watch What Crappens," Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) take the show on the road and broadcast in front of a live audience in Austin, Texas for the first ever Crap By Crapwest festival!! The guys persevere various technical glitches with the help of some booze and an AMAZING audience. Come listen as they throw shade about Kim Richards, "Real Housewives of New York City," and "Secrets and Wives." So fun! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hi there, I'm Shannon Bedore. And I'm a huge fan of Next Issue Magazine because I don't have to wait for things to come out on the magazine stand. I can put it right on my iPad. Thankfully, I can also put it on my husband David's iPad so I can see what magazines his mistress has been downloading on there.

I tell David he can't read five different types of magazines, but guess what? I secretly read them with Nextissue.com because I got my free 30-day trial at Nextissue.com slash crappings. Pride, regret, hope. That's from Sports Illustrated, but it could have been in my wedding vows. David doesn't realize this, but Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are on the cover of People magazine right now, and they're getting divorced. David, do you want that to happen to us? David, David, where are you going? David, David. If I knew Miranda Lambert, I'd tell her right now, Miranda, you're a

quitter. You're a quitter, Miranda. You should have asked for a list of the places that you went with that woman, Miranda. But seriously, everyone, Nextissue.com is great. It's like the Netflix of magazines. You can basically get a whole bunch of magazines delivered to your tablet on the day they hit newsstands, and it's really awesome. And it's super cheap, too. You can get a subscription for so many magazines for as little as $10 per month on up to five different devices. It's great. So get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com slash crappins now, and read up, way up, on all your interests. Nextissue.com slash crappins now and read up, way up, on all your interests. Nextissue.com slash crappins.

Watch what crappins, watch what crappins, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins, crappins, crappins. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crappins. Watch what crappins, watch what crappins, crappins. Welcome to Crap-By-Crap Way! Thank you guys so much for coming here. I'm Ronnie Karamob. That's Ben Mandelker. Obby, I mean, I guess you would know that if you're here.

Y'all, except for the friends in the car. Hi, y'all. You brave suckas. If you are listening to this at home on your favorite podcast application, the reason why we have all these people here is because we are broadcasting live from Austin, Texas. What's up, Texas? And we have a lot of people here. We have a lot.

I mean, I don't even know how many people. Everyone's waving at Periscope right now. Yeah, long arms. If you have Periscope, you can probably watch this somewhere. Anyway, I don't know how many people do we have here. Like 300? 400? I'm really bad with estimating. Should we have a count-off? One, two, three. It's like Broadway in here. Yes, full house.

No, it looks like we have like I don't know like 50 people 70 people I can't tell it's a lot man it is hot up in Austin I'm glad to see you sweating too because I'm usually the fat sweaty one but you're sweating too I am sweating I'm in jeans and I'm not happy about it I wore the jeans for you people for you yeah I did too and I've worn these jeans five times so yeah I'm gonna start smelling really good in this corner. They're going to be opening this door. I even wore my

cowboy shirt because we're in Texas. So, I'm excited. I'm excited for all this. And we got a beer. I got Scheiderbach, Texas beer, going on right here. I have vodka. I should mention we are at the lovely Key Bar here.

Yeah, Key Bar. Thank you, Key Bar, key bar here. Yeah, key bar. Thank you, key bar, for having us. Thank my uncle and auntie, Ted and Bridget Karam, for the key bar. And thank you guys for setting everything up. This is so nice for us. Yeah, this is the most professional we've ever sounded. The last time we did a live show, if you don't count the episodes, we did it in a mall. Technically, those were live shows.

Food court. That was our second option if this didn't work out. There's a Sbarro everywhere. We did this live show about three years ago. Was it three years ago? Yeah, it was like our tenth show, and there was four people, and only one of them came on purpose. The other ones came to see an improv show,

and they were pissed. Yeah. Tammy, wherever you are, we wish you were here. Tammy was one of the, she sat in the front row and she laughed at every joke, so no pressure. Which, granted, was probably more than the shows got there that night. No offense, I.O. Yeah, I.O. West! So we've always been very lazy.

We always want to do another live show and we always are going to do it. We're like, we're going to do it, we're going to do it, and we never do. But it took us both being in Austin coincidentally at the same time to realize we could do a live We're like, we're going to do it, we're going to do it, and we never do. But it took us both being in Austin coincidentally at the same time to realize we could do a live show. Yeah, why not? Ben's dating a dude who choreographed that show with Zach Scott. So good.

Yeah, by the way, anyone if you guys... Jennifer Holliday. She'll sing Duke Ellington songs the same way she does everything. Like... It doesn't really work in that, but I'm with you. This show got three standing ovations before the curtain call. Jennifer Holliday will make you

weep. It was absolutely amazing. We loved it. Yeah, it was really good. So if you like Jennifer Holliday or some good music and good tap dancing, go to the Zach Theater and see Sophisticated Ladies. Yeah, okay. Fuck all that.

So the reason I'm always afraid to do live shows is because we just really sit here and see sophisticated ladies. Yeah. Okay. All right. Fuck all that. Yeah, fuck all that. So the reason I'm always afraid to do live shows is because we just really sit here and it feels weird. Yeah. I feel like we should make some effort, you know? I know. Our podcast is basically us just talking. So now that we have people we can get distracted by, it's going to be even more aimless and

directionless. But we'll try our best. First of all, most people here, I'm assuming, if not, like us on Facebook, facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crap Is. For those of you who don't like us, get onto your phones right now and like us. And then you can hide us. You don't even have to pay attention to us. But anyway, for people listening at home, facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crap Is. You can also donate to us. Support the show on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash

Watch What Crap Is. Where you can support the show and get access to bonus episodes. Monthly hangouts. I know some of y'all get on the hangouts with us. Yeah, yeah. Rep it up. Rep it up. Well, I'm just doing a little plug. I've messed up our thing already. Shocker.

Alright, well Periscope is down, but the podcast will go on. Alright, Nostril Camp. Oh, it's still the Nostril Camp. No matter where it is, it's getting my nostrils. I like that. Alright, so let's talk some crap. Let's get into Watch What Crap Is. Who's the cat to talk about Bravo? Alright, so... Let's talk about the gossip. We have some gossip.

Yeah, so there's some good gossip today. Well, this isn't really good gossip, but I'm obsessed with, I don't really, I'm older, I guess. So I don't understand technology that well. Like, I'm signed up to everything, but I don't know how to use it yet. So I only follow Yolanda Foster on Instagram because I saw some stupid post she had once and had to follow it. Because Yolanda Foster was doing this thing. So for those of you who don't know, she's on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she doesn't

just have Lyme's disease. She has chronic Lyme's disease. So it's never, it's some kind of shady disease that no one really believes her. And she goes to Mexico to get like a lot of weird infusions of things. And I'm addicted to her, her Instagram because she takes these pictures where it looks like she's dying but then she's not at all like one her son was carrying her and it looks like she's she's like this you know she's like all slumped over and you're like oh my god and people are like Yolanda you're so strong yoli you know there's like thousands of people and then her son posted the picture not knowing that she was like faking it yeah

so her son posted the other angle and she's like she's being carried by her son as a joke so that one was full of shit so anyway I love her I'm obsessed but you know her daughter Bella is dating The Weeknd you guys know The Weeknd right guys what's up with people related to Bravo naming themselves after calendar things? There was that. And spelling it wrong. Because Weekend is spelled.

W-E-E-K-N-D. But, you know, maybe that's not. I don't need a vowel. Yes, you do need a vowel. Your name can't just be Weekend. I'm starting to think that his song, I Can't Feel My Face, is about her Lyme disease. Because on that other show, there was yesterdy. Yesterdydy it was yesterday that there was an I instead of an E

by the way I'm sorry everyone I'm giving you my back you want to turn over here I'll try to do one of these things I want to look at Ronnie and I want to look at the audience at the same time don't look at me it'll be like the normal podcast

stuck in all these holes. It's a metaphor for our podcast. Okay. So anyway, so you're on the... So Bella, or as we like to call her, the other one. Yeah. Gigi's younger sister. Yeah, so I don't care about her.

I didn't even write that down. But please spell your name. If you're going to name yourself after something in the calendar, please spell it right. Yesterday is not right. Yeah. Okay. So Yolanda's Instagram. So she had two really good ones this week.

One is her giving her husband David my love. David, my love, you got something. I give you facial. And, of course, she can't just buy some oil of Olay with the $40 million she has. Bitch got to get some yogurt out the fridge. Yeah. So he's, like, like laying down and she's putting yogurt. And it says, a little calming yogurt for David, my love. Yogurt.

So even in something that's supposed to be like a happy facial massage, she's like, yo, hurt. Yo is hurt. I was like, shut up, Yolanda. No one buys it. I'm surprised that Yolanda Foster hasn't tried to edge in on all the Caitlyn Jenner stuff because she is tangentially

connected to it what do you mean edging in on it? like getting a date? trying to be like well my good friend Bruce Jenner who of course is married to was married to my what was the connection it's David Foster was married to Linda Thompson,

who had kids with Bruce Jenner. So I'm surprised she didn't try to get in on that. Like, somehow, Caitlyn Jenner's struggle is part of Yolanda's struggle, you know? Yeah, there's so much inbreeding out there. It's really nice to see, like, rich white people doing it, too, because I'm Lebanese, so I thought it was just us. The other Yolanda picture that was really amazing this week is her, whenever she takes a picture, she'll take off all her makeup and just look like she's about to fall over. I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but it's a long fake with that one.

I am boiling in the Texas sun. I'm going to do one of these. I'm going to do one as if I'm wet. Like a, what is it, expression? Like a whore in church? Sweating like a whore in church. Not anymore. Churches are cool now.

Sweating like a whore in synagogue to make it more appropriate. Whores will go to church and get some air conditioning now, y'all. Whores don't care. Wait, we have some, there's some really good gossip, though. Yeah, no, no, no, we're not, we can't move. We're on Yolanda for another hour. You're gonna take it. Okay, so Yolanda is, like,

looking all sad, and she's wearing, like, her CVS glasses, which still I don't understand. She's got, she's on a tight allowance, I think. Okay, so anyway, she is reading this book, and I don't know if she knew that the camera was getting the cover of this book, because she's like this.

This is what she looks like. She's like. Ronnie is making a face. A Santa Yolanda face. Ennui. Ennui. They can see it in their head. Okay, this is what the book is called.

The Naked Truth About Breast Implants From Harm to Healing. The struggle is real. What. The struggle is real. What? The struggle is real. What the hell does that have to do with Lyme disease? Her implants. She's like, maybe the implants are doing it. Maybe they are.

I've been claiming stuck in the implants. Maybe ticks are addicted to saline or something. I don't know. Take them out of me. The tick injected the Lyme disease into the saline, and now it is just constantly seeping into her system, no matter what she does. So you want to talk about Kim Richards?

Kim Richards. Did you guys hear the latest Kim Richards stuff? Because there's Kim Richards stuff. You do it. All right. So as usual, I have a very sketchy idea of what happened, because I read it in a haze. Oh, I'll tell the whole story.

So she was on Entertainment Tonight telling her story because that's where you go, Entertainment Tonight. Hard-hitting journalism. How else do you follow up Dr. Phil? Yeah, exactly. Diane Sawyer is busy. So if I remember correctly, she was talking about, she said something about like, she was giving an interview about her struggles with sobriety, etc. And she's like, I hate this.

She's like, I love being sober. I love it. And falling off the wagon has been really difficult for me. And she was at her daughter's wedding, and there was a lot of pressure. People were staring at her, etc. And she looked down on the ground, and she saw two little margaritas and decided to have one. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe I drank one. I don't know. Who has a tiny beer with an instant margarita and half bath juice? You know that when she saw those margaritas there were little smiley faces on them talking to her. Like, oh Kim, drink with the M&M characters. Who leaves two little by the way, who leaves two little margaritas on the ground, just sitting there?

Anybody. They were probably taking a picture. Kim probably walked past everybody putting down their drink. She's like, crazy aunt at the wedding, you know, just walking around like, ah, crazy aunt. I don't want to waste it. There's thirsty kids in Africa. Kill for this drink. She's like, I was hypnotized.

It was just swirling. I thought it was talking to me. I'm like, Kim, you pat your face up to a margarita machine. That's what it was. Just for the record, I support alcoholism and alcohol drinking. There's no judgment there. Just don't be lying about that shit. It is crazy.

You drank it. You maybe drank a margarita that was on the ground. Bitch, please. Because after that, she went up to the groom's family. Okay, her daughter was getting married. She went and told the entire groom's family off in front of the entire wedding party. So she pulled like an inch of margarita and then a, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and your mother. You know, it's like, damn, Kim.

And then her ass ran away for ten days in Mexico, and nobody could find her. Yeah. So you've got Kim Richards probably sitting in a booth of some Mexican place, claiming she was there since she was a baby, you know, like she did on the show. I've been coming here with my mom since I was a kid. I've never cared before. Okay, so I actually took notes on this. It was only two minutes on Entertainment Tonight, so why not turn it into an hour?

Yeah. I had no idea this interview was taking place. I was surprised. You know how I knew? Facebook.com slash watch what crap. Oh, yeah. There we go, everyone. That's how I get all my shit.

Best page on the internet. Okay, so I just love that Entertainment Tonight is so hard-hitting because this is the lady interviewing her. She's like, yeah, I'm interviewing Kim Richards. You know how they talk to all the other anchors? I like why they play their serious music whenever like like the insider or Entertainment Tonight is doing like some special like report. They always have music like as if like oh my god everyone like the UN is convening right now. But it's Entertainment Tonight so they're all like this. No matter what they're talking about. And they have the cutaways. They're very concerned face.

They're, like, doing one of these. They're driving. Because her first line when they got their private time, she was wearing, like, this. Like, she was doing the Days of Our Lives, like, eyebrow raise thing, you know? And she was doing that, and she goes, So, was being arrested your aha moment? And she made this, like, pirate thing. You can watch it on YouTube.

Just look it up. It's so funny. And Kim's answer, first of all, who asked that? Was that your aha moment? She just realized she was drunk. How about when I was pulling my weave out of a vomit-filled toilet? That was my aha moment. She's like, my aha moment was when I got sucked into that cartoon world

with the drawings and everything, and they were singing that song. And in 1983, that was my aha moment was when I got sucked into that cartoon world with the drawings and everything, and they were singing that song in 1983. That was my aha moment. My aha moment was when they called Sandra Bullock up to get an Oscar, and somebody else went up there. I mean, how the hell is this world working? I called Emilio Estevez and cried on his voicemail for five hours. So her actual answer was, I had to write a quote. Actually,

my arrest was my I get to have a break moment. It's like, what? In jail. I kicked the cop for a free trip and I did it. And then she goes, did you lock yourself in the bathroom? And Kim says, Kim's doing this thing where, you know when you're drunk and you're trying to pretend you're sober and you're looking like too hard at something?

She's doing that and she's talking slowly and she's doing things like this so we'll know that she's like peaceful. She's like. Okay, so she was doing that. And she said, Here's the thing. I asked if I could use the bathroom. I asked. And then when I was in the bathroom, I was going to the bathroom, you know?

What can I say? Answer the question. That's what you can say. No one asked if you were peeing in the bathroom, Ken Richards. Well, I like that she said that this was a break. Like, it was like, this was great. There was too many pressures on her. I'm grateful.

What pressures does she have on her? All she does is make chicken salad, you know, and just the frames in her hallway. And she doesn't even get a spoon for that. She just uses her hands. Yeah. No. Just in the picture frames.

Anyway, Kim Richards, we love you. Please stay off TV for a while. Yeah. If you're going to do that. She needs to get some real help. I don't know if it's happening anytime soon. I'm focusing on treatment. But they asked me to come back on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Oh, yeah. Her representative. Yeah, I know. It's Sandra Bullock. I'm going to do it. They're like, we scored. Yeah. Okay, what else happened?

I don't know. Oh, Candy had a baby, man. Candy from Real Housewives of Atlanta. I think she's just pregnant. I think she's just pregnant. Oh, she's just pregnant? Yeah. Well, that's still exciting. Riley's gonna have a sister.

Sit down. Riley. Riley. Riley's got a sister. Sit down. Riley's got a sister coming through, or a brother. When she found out, she was probably like, I can't believe that I'm going to be having another part of a head on soon. Yeah, when the baby comes out, that's going to be his first noise. Yeah.

Mama Joyce will get pe to be his first noise. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Mama! Mama Joyce will get peed on the first time. That is broken! Wrong! Okay. What else was I going to say? I don't know. I brought something else up.

Yes, I did. We're getting an inside look at Ronnie's famous notebook. Oh, the nostril pen. Still clear. Kim, hold nostril pen. Still clear. Kim, hold on. Yolanda, Gretchen is selling diet shakes out of her trunk. I don't know why I wrote that down. I just think that shit's hilarious.

That's just a general prediction for 2015. How much can she make off a diet shake? You know she's making five cents off of those and slates off spending 25. If it's anything as effective as Gretchen Christine Butte, I imagine people will be lining up at that trunk. Okay, I think that's it. Oh, no, I wanted to say Shannon Bedore because we're not talking about Orange County today. So Shannon Bedore got in trouble because she went on Twitter this week when Obama came in town to do the Jon Stewart show.

Which, that's the first president who's done every comedy show there is. He's like, hey, what's up? I'm surprised he hasn't been on Watch What Happens. We're in like 10 wars. The day that Obama shows up on Watch What Happens is the day that I may have to cancel Bravo. He probably would. He'd be like, I'm taking the countess aside.

He'll be like, President Obama and like Cindy Barshop or something. Cindy Barshop. God bless her heart. Alright, so she got in trouble for making these tweets. Hope Obama has a great time on Jon Stewart's show. Totally worth shutting down a city.

Hashtag ridiculous. And then she did another one. I'm so livid and angry. I hope it was worth it, Obama. Hashtag bullshit. I'm like, damn, Shannon. Why did she get in trouble for that? Because every time Obama comes into L.A.,

the entire city is paralyzed. Paralyzed! And everyone tweets that stuff. So why does she get roasted? I'm actually on Shannon's side. And I'm for President Obama. But listen, I hate it when the streets are closed down when the president...

No kidding. Get a fucking helicopter. You're the president. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you too. I was going to say mean things about Shannon, but I just changed my mind.

Yeah. All right, so let's move on to the shows. We're going to be here for 20 hours. Oh, shut up, Periscope. Stop your bitching. They couldn't see anything anyway.

Periscope just fell over. Look, that girl lost 11 pounds and six inches. I don't know where to win. I think I've lost 11 pounds and sweat so far. I know, it's good, right? It's so hot. I'm losing a where to win. I think I've lost 11 pounds in sweat so far. I know, it's good, right?

It's so hot. I'm losing water weight. Get me some vodka. Chef Penny, squeeze a potato and turn it into something, darling. It's so hot in Texas, I have to say. It's really hot. You guys, this is pointless, right?

You can just hear it anyway. Yeah, just make sure you don't move the laptop, otherwise it could ruin the... Ronnie's ear. Yeah, look out. You're about to hit the... Nice ear, dick. What am I it could ruin the... Ronnie's ear. They're like, nice ear. Yeah, look out. You're about to hit the... Nice ear, dick. Yeah, you're about to hit the...

What am I doing? Don't... Okay. Okay. A moment of extreme professionalism. All right. So, who wants to talk about Real Housewives of New York City? Enough with all this...

Enough with all this entertainment tonight. Garbage. I'm going to make a paper mache out of napkins. Ronnie is mummifying himself. David, my love, please, please. By the way, is Ron— I made a roast chicken for you. It is in the fridge.

There's a lemon up its butt. Enjoy, David. I love you, my love. I would like to dedicate this facial mask to my love, David. By the way, I just have to pause this for mask to my love, David. By the way, I just have to pause this first second and say, how funny is Ronnie? Ronnie is so funny. Yeah, I love you.

You're wiping the sweat off my face. No, I'm calming your eyebrows. That's how I love. Darling, darling. Thank you. I love you, darling. All right, so I didn't take a lot of notes. My notes are on my iPhone.

If you're wondering why I'm holding my iPhone, I'm not expecting a text. I'm just, I'm holding my notes. Yeah, people are like, why do you talk so much? I mean, I naturally do, but I also have the notes. I know every little thing that happened. I'm bitched about people's wallpaper. And actually, I have some notes about wallpaper. I literally do.

So I watched New York City this week, and I was like half falling asleep because I watched it late at night for some reason. So when I do that, I only take notes on the few things that are able to penetrate through the haze. And my first one was... Remote is an asshole. Yeah, remote is an asshole. It's like, just like highlights. The catch notes. My first note, I know a lot of stuff happened before this,

but I think it's funny that my first note was Bethany saying, this mattress is like being on drugs. Why does that stick out to me? And also it's like a really hard, uncomfortable mattress. What kind of drugs are... That's why she's got trouble. Yeah. All right, so why don't you kick us off?

Girl, you need to find some proper drugs. Ronnie, lead us to the promised land. Previously on the Real Hot... Well, actually, it's usually their voice, right? It's like, previously on the Real Hot Sides of New York. Carol has to go get her dead husband ashes. Oh, and then drunk Dorinda. I love that they just keep showing drunk Dorinda

and it never makes sense. She's like, we're in the same place, Angela. We're in the same place, Angela. And she keeps talking about... Because she has this, like, spitty drunkenness. I really like it. She does. And she keeps talking about the Berkshires

as if she keeps saying that there's like this purity. Oh, wait. Oh, we have a periscope adjustment happening. Oh. Rubber banded. Hot brother-in-law, right? Flew too close to the sun. Hot brother-in-law.

She's always talking about with Heather. She's like, well, our friendship is pure. We met at the Berkshires. It's pure. It's pure. We're from the same place, Heather. It's like they went to a convent together or something. It's just the Berkshires. It's pure. We're in the same place, Heather. It's like they went to a convent together or something. It's just the Berkshires.

I saw you at the H-E-B. Go back better than me. So anyway, and then we got a clip of Heather. A naked man! There was a naked man! Wait, it hit me that she was screaming, I was naked in the next room! Sleeping with Carol. Why has nobody talked about that?

Have we? What the fuck? She's sleeping with Carol naked in that room and she's offended that there's some naked guy in the next room? Girl. I would like to do an informal poll. As long as we have an audience,

we might as well make use of the people who came here. That's formal. When there's actually people here, I mean... Who here was on... Case study. Who here, and this is without any judgment, who here was. That's formal. When there's actually people here, I mean... Who here, and this is without any judgment, who here was on Heather's side in that whole argument? Just make cheers. Make a clap or make a noise. And who was on Luann's

side? We're not, like, uncool. Yeah. They're not uncool. They're not uncool. I knew there were people on Heather's side, but I'm interested because sometimes we get on a rant and we're like, fucking Heather, she's being crazy,

but we're just like, we're just like in a bubble. So I wanted to know, was it just us? But you know, there's some people on Heather's side. You know, on... Alright, one of our listeners said that she overreacted. I thought of Bethany, what Bethany said was sweet

about how she could take those sides and then she would goacted. I saw Bethany, what Bethany said this week about how she could take those sides and that she was there and stuff. I saw Bethany's side. What she just said is that... Bethany wasn't involved in it, but she said what she said was right in. Remind me your name again? I'm Jenny.

Yeah, Jenny! Jenny from the block says that she receives what Bethany said this week, which is that she would be annoyed if she sees why Luann's annoyed, she sees why Heather's annoyed, but I think she's a little more annoyed. But the fact that there's some random man

in the room, it's like no one else. Luann had a guy's fine. I brought guys home in my roommate's life. But I was there. See, it's interesting. Right. I think... But I was there. See, it's interesting. This is the female perspective because I think that with gay guys,

it's like the dreams wake up and there's a naked man in the next room, right? Yeah. Usually. She's like, you woke up next to someone you don't know

that you met the first day? And I'm like, uh, yeah. Yeah, it's called West Hollywood. Who sleeps with people they know? Gross!

I know how they eat with their mouth open or how they pick their nose in the car. Girl, if I know you, I do not want to fuck you. I'll tell you that much later. Knowing someone ruins everything, Tati. Alright, so... Oh, yeah, no, I wanted to tell you something. So that whole Heather fight...

He was naked! Are they lesbians? I don't care, obviously. I mean, lesbians are different than gay people. It's like not one parade. It's weird how we're all in one parade, because then we get in the same parade and the dykes are like, ew. And we're like, gross. They're like wearing baseball uniforms and we're wearing

rainbows. I don't know who put us all together. And now we got the transgenders too. Oh, and now we got questioning. What the fuck is that? You don't get a parade if you're questioning. If you're questioning, go play with the neighbors down the street and blow them and see if you like it like I did. I mean, that's how you grow up.

Christ, mature on your own. Don't use my parade to do it. By the way, Ronnie's parents are here and... Oh, they know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I warned them. Her friends are like, yeah, that's right. And she's like, oh, she's horrified.

I showed her a comment on Facebook that said, I want to go meet Ronnie's mom and have her yell at me while she, yell at me over a box of bronzio while she was playing Canasta. And I was like, oh shit, I guess I should tell her. And she's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like, all right, you'll do all right. I say we give a big round of applause to Ronnie's mother.

You went through a lot of shit, Mom. You're still going through it. Yes, the podcast is young. We still have five more hours. There's a reason I will never have children. I know what it's like from watching you go through it. I'm like,

oh, hell no, I'm not putting up with that shit. All right, so let's get on to the episode. No, no, no. I wanted to say this, Heather, I never ever say it,

I'm so sorry. But this, Heather and Bethany fight, so there's this big fight on Trash Talk TV right now, the site I run, on that recap. Oh my God,

the older generation versus the younger generation on who it's okay to fuck and when. They're going crazy and the older lady is saying, well, if you do that, you're a slut. And then the younger lady's like, well, I guess then I'm a slut. You must be really old. And so one of them's calling one a slut and the other one's old.

I mean, I think being called a slut is worse, right? You can't help your age, but you can help being a hoe, right? Yeah, well, usually. As soon as they came, I just saw a penis on the floor. Maybe I drank it. Ran a penis walking around. Two penises on the grass

just sitting there. I'm the penis drunk auntie at the wedding. There's a penis at the table. I think we all know that those were not even margaritas. It's like a shoe. She's sitting there like, it's like a shoe. She got drunk on shoe spray.

She's like, Aunt Kim, what are you doing? What are you doing, Aunt Kim? Remember her toxology report? It was like, paint thinner, paper clips,

pebbles, all kinds of shit. Fish food. You're like, what? Kim! What is Kim Richards drinking? Back away from the kitchen sink,

babe. Okay. So now we'll start the show. Just kidding. So every week, I notice something new. Do you want to, can you read these?

These are like, this is like, five year olds. You're not allowed to say retarded, but like special. You say, prettiest, smarter,

napkin crotch. Wait, what is it? Tell me. It says, okay, Ronnie's note says, prettiest, smarter, napkin crotch. Napkin crotch. Wait, what is it? Tell me. It says, okay, Ronnie's note says, prettiest, smarter, napkin crotch.

Napkin crotch. Okay, so every week, I normally don't pay attention to the beginning, but every week I notice something different. You know when they're like, their names come up and they're like, and they have their stupid, they have their dumb line,

and Kristen's is, what is it? Prettier, smarter than you think. She's a blogger, guys. She's a blogger you think. She's a blogger, guys. She's a blogger. Yeah, she's a blogger, yes. So, she's saying she's so smart, but then I noticed she's wearing this crop top thing

and then it's got this long hot pink napkin thing that falls between her crotch. I don't know why I noticed that, but I was like, hmm. You know what's funny about Kristen's opening is that last season, her line was something like, I may not

be the brightest, but at least I'm pretty. And I was like, I hate that because she's so much smarter than she gives herself credit for. And this season she's like, I'm a lot smarter than you think. And we're like, no, you're not. You fucking bitch. Oh, it is? Oh, no.

It says it's on. They're angry. Who's angry? Periscope people are angry. Why? Oh, because they can see bed. They can only see bed. And we're back from our technical glitch.

Anyway. This happens about three times a podcast episode. I don't know how you guys can tell, but again, the most professional podcast in iTunes is top ten. Yeah, I just want to see Heather, after she talks about how smart she is, I want to see that crotch napkin just get stuck in the subway door. Do you mean...

What did I say? Christian. Thank you. Feel free to correct us as we go along, because we're going to get a lot of things wrong. We take notes, but there's no guarantee that the notes have anything to do with anything. Is there a waiter out here? It's like Vanderpump Rules. They just stay outside smoking, fighting with people.

I would like to say, by the way, I'm... Watching each other's boyfriends out there. I just want to say that, so this is Crap-by-Crap West. Almost every single seat is filled. We have people in the doorway. So I appreciate this. We have filled up a room. Carly, I'm sorry to order you around.

Can you get me a double vodka on the rocks? Or ask Jenna. Darling, I will. Except for the vodka part. Alright, we're back for the third time in three minutes. Hopefully you heard everything we just said, but we basically were congratulating... I'm sweating now.

We were congratulating ourselves for selling out a room. Even though we didn't sell anything. And I hope everyone continues to get drinks during this because y'all need to get drunker. At least I do. Yeah, do it. Hurry, drink that up. I already drank a double. I'm sweating all this shit out.

I need to put olives on my tits so I can make a perfect fat martini drink. Alright, so the show starts with... Oh, that made it worse. I thought that would help. It didn't help. Okay, so the show opens at Bethany's new apartment. You guys, that's a huge step because Bethany's been homeless. Bethany, oh my god, she's homeless. She passes homeless people and she's like, oh my god, I don't know what you're going through.

I'm totally homeless. It's horrible, isn't it? It's awful. You know, but I love it. I love to be in my box because I got walls all around me. Walls everywhere. Walls. Walls. My walls are up. Yeah, so today she was literally in a place where walls were being put up and she was walking around to each one like, oh, what are you doing? You're putting a wall up.

Good for you. How about you yesterday? Remember me? Look at you. You're putting a wall up. Walls are up. Walls are up. Yapping, yapping, yapping. Listen. Illegal immigrants do not get paid enough to be listening to this bitch come in there four hours a day yapping like that. She didn't shut up.

She literally said, how was he yesterday? Oh, my God, how much you got done? It's like you were there yesterday. Go home. Oh, she doesn't have one. Go to the park bench. Go to the box. Go to the Hamptons.

She's like, it's so hard. I live in the Plaza Hotel Presidential Suite. It's killing me. Is this when she got on her mattress that was like drugs? Yes. Oh, so then Carol comes over. Something weird is happening with Carol this year. She's doing this thing where she's dating a toddler.

She's getting laid. Go for it. I mean, I think he went to high school. Who cares, really? I mean, he's got a beard, so he's of age, right? Yeah. He's 28, 29. By the way, we had this whole discussion about this guy.

He's 28, 29. I think it nullifies the entire discussion. He's old enough. Who cares? Like this whole issue of like a Luann's

niece's ex or whatever. He's not like, it's not like he's 18. Enough. Enough. Yeah, you have to talk closer

because look, I'm like this. I know. I'm sorry. I'm drifting out into the back. Do you want to move over? The shade's coming. No, I'm good. Oh, out into the back. Do you want to move over? The shade's coming.

No, I'm good. Oh, the shade is coming. Do you want to wear this hat? I would like to wear that as a hat, yes. Okay, so anything, just wear it. Harley, I love you. You're the best sister. Um, not a gay sister, like my literal sister.

She's so hot, she got the lips. Alright, so, uh, Carol the lips. Alright, so Carol comes in. Yeah, so Carol's doing this weird thing. So she's screwing a young guy. And you know how people are always saying, oh, it's so different. You know, why can men do it and women can't do it? Like, we all don't make fun of the men who are screwing younger

women. Get out of here. We're all judging that too, okay? Human beings have one thing consistent. We judge each other like crazy. We don't give a shit what's going on. You could be dating someone your own age and we'll be like, he ugly. We don't care. We'll pick something. So might as well date a smooth

one, I guess. Anyway, who can cook? I mean, that's a plus as well. Yeah, I think Carol's done a great job. She got a hot guy who can cook. I mean, what else? I mean, why does she have to keep justifying this to anyone? Good for her. Well, she's not. She's like, so what? Well, Luann, obviously she and Luann are

going to have an issue. The rumor is that she and Luann almost came to blows during the reunion, which is hilarious because I don't think it ever, Real Housewives of

New York City reunion has ever gotten physical. No, but once Miami did it, now they're all doing it. Yeah, and Atlanta. But no, Atlanta was the one who broke

the mold. That was when Lisa Wu Hartwell in the first season stood up and like knocked over the couch or something like that. She knocked over a couch? Or maybe she said she was going to knock someone over a couch. Whatever it was, there was a couch involved.

Well, that's gentle, knocking them over a couch. It's a nice way to do it. I don't know, that actually sounds kind of fun. Adriana, I think, got throttled. That's worse. There was no couch. It was like terracotta tile. Yeah.

So anyway, once those people started, it all went down. But anyway, Harold's dating a child now, so now she's dressing like Mrs. Hannigan. Or Miss Hannigan from Annie. She's wearing this big fur. What? When did she start doing that? She went to Forever 21 clothes to like some weird fur, and she's like, I love your house. There are so many places for ping pong balls.

Thank you. Oh, look. I just got another beer. Hotter than my sister, only cause of penis. Sorry, Carly. Okay. So, B is transitioning. Oh. Bethany says, oh, I B is transitioning. Oh, I put B is trans.

Bethany says, oh, I'm in transition. I'm transitioning, which I was going to say explains her hormones. Sorry. I love transgender jokes right now. I don't know why. Yeah. Because people hate them. That's why.

I'm getting in trouble for them. And I'm like, oh, fun way to make a dick joke. Dick jokes are always welcomed. So Brynn has some crystal. Oh yeah, she has a chandelier. Oh, by the way, chandeliers are like the new omen in the Real Housewives. Okay, we've seen chandeliers on Real Housewives

Orange County. We know how that worked out. Later on, we'll be talking about a chandelier in Secrets and Wives. We definitely know how that worked out. And now there's a chandelier in Brynn's bedroom. I mean, it's just it's bad news. Chandeliers are not good. Brynn will be cheating on her mother very soon.

She'll be like, this is my new mommy. Chandeliers. Chandeliers. Bethany will just be like, bluetoothing herself up and down really slowly like poor Shannon. Um, uh, what was I going to say about that? Hold on. Hold on. Just,. Um, what was I going to say about that? Hold on, hold on.

Oh, yeah, she was saying, oh, I'll just... I've got all these work to do everything, but it was really hard. I had to give them all blowjobs. Listen. All right, go on. You were saying about... Is that working? Yes.

Do I have to put this together tonight? No, I will. It's on my laptop. Okay. Luann made a... Oh, so they just gossiped about what happened the other

night at that other party. And Carol was saying, Luann made a dreadful deal of herself. And I just like that she was saying

dreadful in a big fur coat. I don't know why. Everyone is gonna... Here, you read them. They're more fun when you try and figure them out.

I don't know what they mean, but when you read them, they make more sense. You're Miss America or Miss New Jersey. Okay, so this is when they go to that party. Okay, I'm going to try to figure them out. I don't know what they mean, but when you hear them, when you read them, they make more sense. You're Miss America or Miss New Jersey. Okay, so this is when they go to that party.

Oh, yeah. And everyone's being nice. Okay, this is the Diamonds and Denim party. Diamonds and Denim, Kristen's party. Because Kristen's charity is like raising money

for kids with bad smiles. What is it? Yeah, Clef Palette. Clef Palette. Beautiful smiles. They're just... That is so rude. Need adjustment.

She's like, I have a beautiful smile. I can't wait to give speeches to children with cleft palate. Like, what the hell kind of charity is that? I mean, what's her name? Kristen. She's pretty. So they're all being really nice to each other. And then Ramona comes in.

She's like, taking the whole thing over. And she walks with a hostess who's like, what is she, Miss New Jersey or something? Miss New Jersey, yeah. And Ramona's like, what are you, Miss America something? She's like, no, Jersey. She's like, oh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you look like Miss America. Okay, I said it, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I don't know the difference between America, the USA, and New Jersey. So what, I said it. You know what, I find your sash to be very déclassé. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what? Oh, this reminds me. This one time, when I was younger, I tried to be in a pageant, but then my dad dropped me off in the woods and said the pageant, and I didn't win anything, okay? So I just can't

do pageants anymore. Alright? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? One time, my dad was taking a nap, and my mother came home from work on the phone in the bark shirt, and it was very late in the afternoon, and she was wearing denim, and so her legs were making this noise. And my father woke up and got so mad that he threw a zucchini noodle in her face. And I can no longer wear denim. I'm sorry. I support children with bad smiles.

That's it. Whoa, whoa. This is crazy. This reminds me of this one time. Whoa. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm having a memory. Whoa. Whoa. This is weird. This is really weird right now, okay? One time I was in the forest in Berkshires, and I came across

this guy named Lee. And I was like, Lee, where are your jeans? And he said, are you making a joke about Lee jeans? And I was like, no. I don't get it. He's like, oh, you just made a joke. And I was like, what? I don't get it. Why are you making fun of me? I started to cry, and there were trees around, and I just ran away. I'm sorry. It's a's like, oh, you just made a joke. And I was like, what? I don't get it. Why are you making fun of me? I started to cry and there were trees around and I just ran away. I'm sorry. It's a lot of bad memories, okay?

All right, what happened next? Charity for people who've been sweat on. Oh, yeah. That's what her charity should be. What are you giving it to something you know nothing about growing up with a horrible smile? Give it to someone who's been sweat on. That's her big trauma of the season. I know.

A boxer in a ring sweat on her, and she was like, you guys, I got sweat on! That's like her thing. She talked about it for five episodes. That's what everyone here in the front row of this podcast is going to say when I shake my head in five seconds. What's next?

Are you skipping over things? Well, I don't know. You are. You are. Damn you. I took ten pages of notes. We're doing that. Raise your own notes

and stop touching the cable. Oh, damn it. You see you made me do it. All right. Look at the art. This is the pod every single week. Sandwich. I got sweat stains on his notes.

Who said they hate Switzerland? Does anyone remember who said they hate Switzerland? I don't know. Oh, Bethany felt like Switzerland. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, I don't like feeling like Switzerland. I mean, wait, hold on. Who made a dreadful fool of herself?

Wait, where's the party? Oh, charity event. Dust it off. Oh, she's like, yeah, and Kristen's other thing is everybody else is old. Like, that's her big burn. For people on The Real Housewives, that's always their big burn. Like, that was Brandi Glanville's one. She's like, ew, you're all

old. At least I'm not old. Yeah, but you're like a drug addict skank. You can't give her shit. Roddy, there's a shirtless guy for you. Nice work, buddy! Nice work! Look at him taking a picture of the muscle guy on the telephone call.

He actually just took a selfie. He literally just took a picture of that muscular guy on the... No, he took a picture of himself. No, look at the poster. It's like Lou Ferrigno or some shit coming to town. Maybe that's him on the poster. Oh my god, nice work.

You know what? It's such a turn off when you find out that people actually have to work for it, right? Look, that guy checked him out. You're gay. I love frat gay. Just gay enough. Charity for people who have been too white on.

Speaking of Just Gay Enough, back to the podcast. And look, a man with hair on his chest. We don't see that where we live. They're like, oh! Okay, pressers, you're Miss America. Josh. Josh is so supportive when there's cameras there, because you know that shit ain't right

at home. He's like, oh, you're doing so much for charity. And what is it called? It's like pile on a smile or something. I don't know. Poor Kristen, she's so boring this season. I liked her last season, she's so boring. I can't even remember anything about her denim fundraiser or her charity. It's just like she's waiting to get through her scenes to get to get the good stuff so ramona and sonia go wander off and these this group this like gaggle of gays come

up to them you know because they watch our show obviously and they're like girl oh my god it's ramona sonia girl like they're all excited and sonia's like they just want to have sex with us let's go yeah and then they're like beating off the gays they're like they just want to have sex with us i was like yeah ramona has to sort of like get over this thing like just you know she's doing that thing she's like i'm single and therefore everyone wants to have sex with me i'm like ramona i'm sorry to say you're in new york city and uh these guys could do like a little bit better than you well i don't know they were young enough and she's rich enough that's how it works y'all there's a pecking order oh you're right you're right sorry sorry sorry uh and then john entered i wish john had a scene i even wrote that john entered because he's

like the big uh like sopranos he entered he entered through the wall like the kool-aid man yeah he's like i'll have a i'll have a vodka soda with some blended ham please dorinda pulls Heather aside. Okay, so then Heather and Dorinda had their talk. Okay, so this is how you fight with Heather. Dorinda's like, listen, Heather, I just wanted to have a talk, Mr. Jensen, because I was finishing vacuuming

and I realized that I missed a spot when you were there, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry, friendship's important to me. I care. And Heather's like, yeah, you know, you seem really angry. You seem really angry. Dorinda's like, well, I was feeling crazy. My husband died and then my daughter got stuck in a train track.

I mean, whatever her thing is. And then Dorinda did start acting crazy. And she was like, there was a year. The past two years have been full of crazy crayons oh yeah and the crayons have just been going red crayon black crayon black crayon that was my next note i was like waiting for this note to come in i was like when does the crayon part happen what was that during this like yeah the past few years there was so much chaos i was really drawn with a chaos crayon i I put the chaos crayon back. But now

it's time to take the chaos crayon back. I'm like, what are you talking about? A chaos? There's so many mixed metaphors and they don't even make sense. What is a chaos crayon? Operating chaos crayon. I took my discombobulation shoppie out of the box and started drawing with it.

Wacking water watercolor time. Who wants to do it? Dorinda. So she keeps apologizing. Heather's like, she's like, but really Heather, seriously, I'm sorry we got in that fight. Heather's like, yeah, that was nuts. I was

worried about you. She's like, okay Heather, I'm sorry that we got in that fight. Sorry about the crazy crayon colors. And then She's like, okay Heather, I'm sorry that we got in that fight. Sorry about the crazy crayon colors. And then Heather's like, well I appreciate that. I accept your apology. She's like, goodbye Felicia. Goodbye.

Paula, I'm outie 5,000 now. I work for Giddy. I know how to say goodbye Felicia. Goodbye comma Felicia. Evita saying Felicia. Sincerely comma heaven. comma Heather's like and we all know that slang about the Cosby show right the shot right that's what that's about right it's bad the end of the show and they wave goodbye to the audience right I get it I'm cool I'm hip like that so then we get a shot of Ramona eating in hors d'oeuvres the only reason

I had to write this down what What the fuck is wrong with her? She takes a bread off the... Okay, this is her. Some guy comes by and... From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks. Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights,

she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of.

But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy

early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. She's like, I won't have sex with you. And he's like, I'm just offering you an order. So she takes it and she's like, ew, bread. So she opens it and then starts gutting the bread, you know, like thin people do at Subway. Yeah, or the bagel shop. Who does that? Why would you get bread and then gut it out?

Get out of here. I refuse. If I'm having bread, I'm going whole hog. Yeah, exactly. But she's like gutting the bread out, and then she puts it back on the thing. I just had to call her out on that, because who does that?

Every episode, when there's a party, the producers always have a cutaway to Ramona, like examining hors d'oeuvres or looking at glasses and things, because she just gets so intensely investigative about it. She's like, all right, what's this over here? This is like some bread with some tuna tartar on it. All right, all right, I'll see how this... All right, is it tuna? Is it tuna? I think it's tuna.

Yeah, it's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. It's tuna. So she cuts the bread, and Sonia's just sitting there watching, because Sonia's always like, that's fabulous, Ramona, you know. And Sonia goes, she should treat a man like that. What does that mean? Gut him, eat him, and leave the remnants in someone else's denim purse. Like, what the hell kind of advice is that? That's probably her problem.

So then Kristen gives her speech about like how she made this wonderful nail polish line for children who can't smile right. I don't get her. Okay, so then it's like the big conflict. You know, somebody on our Facebook the other day was like, nothing's happening this season. I was like, isn't that the point? When has anything ever happened? Nothing happens. You're like, be cool.

Don't be all, like, uncool. So Ramona starts getting mad because this whole thing is all Heather's yummy pants or whatever. Like, her Spanx rip-off pants that are called yummy that are spelled wrong. Yes. She can't even do it like, yes, dearie, or we can do it. Like, where it's interesting. She puts the vowel and spells it wrong. Like, it makes it worse.

Yeah, Ramona's whole beef was that she had donated six of her necklaces, and I guess Kristen didn't say it was true faith jewelry. Which, I mean, admittedly, if you donate, you're supposed to spend something. Ramona didn't donate shit. She showed up to some crafting party with necklaces in her purse and why did you so she could get on the thing and she was like look it's true faith I'm totally why I had fake faith but now Mario's and I'm free my faith is true look at me everything's new and she started putting them on all these

jeans no one asked for that shit on their skinny jeans nobody wants your cheap Claire's jewelry why their misspelled jeans. And why is she still doing that jewelry? Isn't that Mario's, isn't that his jewelry line? Like, why is she still shilling that? Like, why is there yummy everywhere? Everywhere I look, there's yummy. How come you couldn't put yummy? Ramona Truffet.

And Heather just goes, walk away, Ramona. Walk away. Goodbye, Felicia. Yeah, this is when she said that. That's Walk away. Goodbye, Felicia. Yeah, this is when she said that. That's when she said goodbye, Felicia. Or did she even say buh-bye, Felicia?

She said goodbye last week. She said goodbye, Felicia, last week and buh-bye this week. Next she gets to be like, farewell, Felicia. Godspeed. Godspeed, Felicia. Smell you later, Felicia. Whichspeed. Godspeed, Felicia. Smell you later, Felicia. Which would actually be too funny for her.

She's like, Felicia's the new cast member, right? Ramona went on this rant. I mean, not putting Ramona under there? That's a slap against sisterhood. I mean, that is a slap against womanhood and entrepreneurship. Make up your mind. That's not what feminism is.

Says the woman who is always the first to tear down all the other women as soon as she can. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. I was just going to say, I'm sorry.

That's all I have to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then she goes, oh, thank you. Oh, that's going to get ugly, girl. Thank you. This is the best podcast we ever had

because we actually have alcohol groups just arriving arriving I don't even care that I'm sweating like a mule do mules sweat

I assume they do that did a lot for sisterhood love you guys hello Felicia to you so she's like this is a slam

against sisterhood this is wrong but I'm secure and then the first thing she does is beeline right over there all I wanted to say

I was just gonna say I didn't have anything to say because I was just enjoying all the pictures of the missing lips but I just wanted

to say while I've got you here the signs are big they could just say true fate I mean what's wrong with that and Heather's like

goodbye farewell I'll be the same. Heather donated her entire, like, denim inventory to this thing. Of course she got that. That was so nice, too. That was the cheapest ass advertising she's ever had. She put up, who donates to a charity and then gets, like,

billboards put all over the face, like, yummy! Well, that's actually We're not helping their mouths, but we will make them look good in a dress. To be fair, when you do donate to a charity event, and you donate a lot of stuff, you do get billboards worth that big. I mean, that shit was everywhere.

Speaking of which, if you'd like to donate to Watch Our Crap-Ins, we'll have a message here on the show. Look, that's us, Steve Harvey. That's us. That's our billboard. Steve Harvey donated to Watch Our Crap-Ins, and now he's on TV. Look, that's us, Steve Harvey. That's us. That's our billboard. Steve Harvey donated to Watch What Happens and now he's on TV. Women, don't be hoes. That's my advice. Steve Harvey.

Okay, Heather, you're going to change lives. Oh, I don't know what they were fighting about, but then Heather was like, Ramona, what's your cause? What's in your heart? What's in your heart, Ramona? And Ramona's like, homeless people.

Homeless people. Isn't that what she said? I don't even remember that. She was like, what did it say? Domestic abuse. Oh, that's better. That's better. Homeless people.

Domestic, she's like, domestic abuse. Heather or Footless. Yeah, Aviva. Oh, Aviva. Footless Aviva. I was like, Footless? Who doesn't have a foot on this show? If you think that Ramona cares about homeless people for even a fraction of a second, you are sadly mistaken. She's like, why are all the butlers dressed sleeping on the street?

Why are all the butlers there? I'm sorry. They should get out of the streets and get themselves a job. That's all. They can go to AOA. We need a new waiter at AOA. Sorry. Geraldine Parsons-Smith is hiring, okay?

Do I need to, by the way, do I have to explain Geraldine Parsons-Smith again? I feel like I always have to explain Geraldine Parsons-Smith. She's not real. People are always like, who is Geraldine Parsons Smith? I thought that was like a Maya Angelou type until like a month ago. I was like, that's a famous black actress. She's very good. That sounds like a very talented woman. She does not exist. It was when we were making jokes last season when...

When Ramona was very traumatized. Yeah, Chrissy was geocaching and she was trying to do this GPS thing and we were doing a run about Ramona was very traumatized. Yeah, Chrissy was geocaching, and she was trying to do this GPS thing, and we were doing a run about Ramona being like, okay, I couldn't do GPS. It reminded me of my father's friend, Geraldine Parsons-Smith, whose initials are GPS. So that's why Geraldine Parsons-Smith is a thing. Because people are asked that all the time.

They're like, I love your podcast, but who's Geraldine Parsons-Smith? And why do you always mention her? I'm like, she doesn't exist. love your podcast, but who's Geraldine Parsons-Smith? And why do you always mention her? I'm like, she doesn't exist. So then after this party, does anything else happen here? I don't think anything else happens in this party, but I did like it

when the only shot we got of John was when people were walking up to him and he's talking to some hot chick and like a boostie. Of course. That guy hooks up. Fat girls, be more confident, because fat men hook that shit up. There's no insecurity

there, and you know it's like pulling a shag rug when you hug that guy. And I ain't judging, because I'm close. Not a shag. I'm like, but I will be, one day. But yeah, don't give a fuck. Fat gay guys care, but fat straight guys do not care. Fat gay guys are like, I'm the heaviest!

Oh my god! But fat straight guys are like, yeah, get over here, 20-year-old, yeah! Ronnie, you should have come out last time. We went to a beer bar. A bear bar? Yeah, a beer bar. Where is that? They have a beer bar here now? Yeah, like, over there.

What was it called again? What was it called? The Iron Bear. We went to the Iron Bear. I need a bear who irons. Do they have those? Bring them on! There's probably a chat room for that fetish.

Oh, and then we started the Carol and Luann digs because Luann was making cracks like, Oh, who are you dating? Oh! Well, at least the guys we had sex with were 40 I'm like unlike that's what I mean Carol's like well I guess all the cool kids are sleeping with married men now instead of children yes I got it wrong it's all about bringing women together these shows that's why they go out in the

reunion because Carol's giving her shit about sleeping with that married man. What was I going to say about... I don't know. My next thing is... Married women sleep with married men all the time. I don't see what the problem is. So more or less, the next thing that they did is they went to a Turkish coffee reader, right? Is that what happened next?

Everyone? Oh yeah, they went to that coffee place in Queens. What was in the coffee place? It was an old lady who made coffee. An old lady who made coffee, and she was reading things. The girl's like, it's like my grandma's house. I was like, oh, my God. You know there ain't no plumbing in there?

By the way, I don't know. Everything's lit by candlelight. All the windows are open. I really wanted someone to have coffee, by the way. It looked really good. I mean, it looked like jet fuel. It did not look good. I love the reason.

Dorinda's like, what a lovely home. Dorinda's such a liar. She's looked really good. I mean, it looked like jet fuel. It did not look good. I love the reason. And Dorinda's like, what a lovely home. Dorinda's such a liar. She's like, what a lovely home, Mr. Jensen. Oh, this coffee is delicious. And they cut to her and she's like, I wanted to die. Yeah. She's like, back the fuck up.

Back it up. Back it up right now. You better back it up, mister. If that tea says anything about my daughter, I'll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat, mister. Get Mr. Coffee in here right now. I got something to say to him, okay? Back it up. I'm going to rip off Mr. Coffee's balls.

Who's Keurig? Who's Keurig? I'll put a hole in Keurig. Bring him in here. I'll put a hole in Keurig. So this lady... That's how they work. My parents have one. You know how you do it? You put it in a thing, and then you press it, and it's like... I have a CBTL. What's that?

It's the coffee bean and tea leaf version. It's awful. No, don't go there. Just kidding. I need two pounds of sugar-free hazelnut cancer in my coffee. Coffee mugs don't fit in it. Like, you can't get it under the stove. Get out of here, fly.

I'm going to rip your balls off, Fly. Hey, Fly, you better back the fuck up. Back it up, okay? Hey, Fly, I thought we were going to walk into this podcast together. Okay, fine.

I guess you're not that sort of woman. You know, everything I own smells like Whataburger right now. That shit stinks all over you.

I went there for the first time. I went there. What did you get? I feel like you did it wrong. Honey butter. That's good. That's good.

Yeah. Okay. So here's my first and only experience at Whataburger so far. We ordered, and then while we were waiting there, a centipede fell from the ceiling. Last night I was there. And I thought, Whataburger. ordered and then while we're waiting there a centipede fell from the ceiling last night I was I thought what a burger yeah well back in the old days when they were still like swattering the cows in the back and then putting them in the grinder which is kind of what it felt like there would be little bits of bone in the what remember dad he's like well what do you think they walked around

with that's how they became good meat. You know, that's actually a really good excuse. What do you think they walked around with? My dad can make up an excuse. I know so much false information. Ronnie's dad is nodding. If my dad doesn't know, he will make that shit up. He doesn't care.

And do it with confidence. Well, I have to say, I enjoyed my honey biscuit chicken. Oh, yeah, Whataburger. Something or another. That's all the sex I'm getting here. Looking at that place, I'm like... It was the perfect way. They put everything in there.

Salt, meat, fat, sugar. You know that break got sugar. Okay, why are we talking about this? Sorry, Whataburger's great. Go there. They're supporting us today. So anyway, there was some psychic stuff. No, no, we have to talk about it because the psychics on The Real Housewives are amazing.

They're always good. The psychic in Morocco called Ramona's husband's affair. Yes. And even said, didn't she say it was like some young blonde girl or something? Yeah. And Ramona was like, how dare she? Who put her up to that? That is ridiculous. Okay.

I'm never going into a tent again. I'm never talking to anybody who hears things again. This is ridiculous. But she was right. Two years later, Mario's on Tinder. But I don't care. I don't care. I don't care if he comes home. Can I have a to-go box in case Mario comes back? Okay. I don't care.

Bye-bye, Felicia. No, wait. The psychic said really good things to them. The psychic said something about a scrape on a car. And Carol was like, I scraped my husband's car. And that was our only fight. Oh, wait.

She said black jeep. That was good. Black jeep with a scrape. There was something that made me laugh. And I felt bad because it was sort of around the realm of death. But the psychic was talking to Dorinda and was like, I see a balloon. And Dorinda was like, that's so crazy because when Richard died, a balloon came in my room and I knew it was Richard. And then they cut to herself on the hill of a balloon just floating there. They're like, everyone say goodbye to Richard.

I was like, what sort of lunacy is this? That was freaky. That was not freaky. That was a balloon. It was a balloon that floated into the room. I mean, it was, I understand, like, in a moment of grief, like, it means a lot. But when you're an outsider watching on TV,

you're just watching a video of a balloon. Yeah, it's like that half balloon. It was like the red, it was like a terrible version of the red balloon.. Yeah, it's like that half balloon. It was like a terrible version of the red balloon. It's like, where is the French orphan? A totally non-romantic version of that. Like, say goodbye to Richard. Say goodbye to Richard.

After Richard died, something happened, and then the balloon, all the balloons died or something. All the balloons stayed on the floor, but one balloon rose up and came in. No, but it rose up, and then it went down the whole way, and it came into my bedroom. And she was like, hey, balloon rose up and came in. No, but it rose up and then it like went down the whole way and it came into my bedroom. And she was like, hey balloon, back the fuck up. Go back to the balloons, okay?

Get any closer to my daughter, balloon. Don't say anything about the balloon, okay? I see what you're trying to do with her hair, okay? Get off her. I mean, it's cool. I get it. And it was cool that the psychic, by the way, was able to perceive that this balloon was somehow important to her. Because, I mean, who the hell knew about a balloon? The dead balloon ghost.

Well, she knew something about Heather's son getting kid hearing aids or something. Oh, yeah. And she's like, you have doctor? You have doctor with brown face, maybe Indian? And she's like, yes, yes. And they're like, oh, he's Indian? She's like... What did she say? She's like, hello! She's like, no, yes. And they're like, oh, he's Indian? She's like, what's he say?

She's like, hello. She's like, no, he's Puerto Rican. I was like, all brown people are not the same, Heather, all right? She's like just substituting a brown person. It's like, he's brown. She's like, my duck. I just have a child. She's like, he just went to the islands.

He just got a tan. She's so right. I hope that everything works out for her deaf son. Well, he's not deaf. He's going deaf. As callous and awful as we are, I think that whole storyline with her son is very...

You don't want the kids to have problems. You don't become a real dick until you're 18. The children you excuse. Believe it or not, we're actually nice guys and we do care about the well-being of some of these people. Look, they're buying it. That kid, look. I hope for that kid's sake, I hope his hearing comes back perfectly when he's like 18 and

out of the house. Because if his hearing comes back now and he has to listen to Heather all day, he's going to be poking that shit out with knitting needles. He'll be like, no. Undo, undo, undo. So I only have one more note for New York, but I know that there was some other stuff that happened. Bethany went to her shrink.

Who goes to your shrink on TV? Yeah. Would you ever? I would never air out my shit on TV. I would just talk about other people's shit. And she's so controlling. He said, yeah, you never will talk to me about your business. You always shut me out.

She's like, and how does that make you feel? And he's like, shut up. My walls are up. If you ask about my business, I'll be on the floor crying right now. I'll be crying, okay? Crying. I feel like this is almost done, but I guess we have to talk about... Heather showed her boyfriend off to

the boring people. So here's my only note about the little dinner party that ended that episode, was that when Carol, I think, was going shopping with her boyfriend or whatever, and he, like, gets some parsley, her response was, chefs love parsley.

I'm like, this isn't some exotic thing here, of course. Parsley is like a staple. Like, that's not some great revelation. It's like being like, they love using butter and oil and salt and pepper. Yeah, yeah, it's called cooking. Everything that he made for dinner, she's like, look, he made it from scratch. It's like guacamole.

He, like, undid an avocado. He unwrapped an avocado. She's like, he did that. So, all right. First things first, I have to congratulate everyone for getting through an hour of this ridiculousness. So give yourself a round of applause. I can't believe you guys are all still here listening to us battle on like this. This is hard even when I'm not drinking a lot of vodka.

Yeah. Julia, what? That was my daughter for two years. Julia's here. Julia's here. And then I left. I don't know who Julia is, but she's just lovely. Julia left Julia. Isn't she cute?

Those are my genes. I have to give a shout out to my boyfriend who's behind Julia, right? Yeah, hotness. Dominique. Where's Dominique at? Dominique's back there. Let everybody get a look, darling. Julia's looking at him.

I'm Periscope. Sorry, Periscope. There he is. There he is. Yeah, hotness. So good. He's waving. He's being a good trooper because he's both, not only is he sitting outside, but he hasn't

seen any of these shows in forever, so he has probably no idea what we're talking about. We got to see Jennifer Hudson to support you. And you get to hear bad child death jokes. Holiday. Jennifer Holiday. What did I say? Hudson. Sorry.

They should have cast Fantasia, because I would not be making that mistake. You can't have a Jennifer Holiday play one role and then a Jennifer Hudson play the other role. And they also both do this when they sing like they do that they do that same weird enunciation it ain't me no thing you ain't got that swing got you worth it worth every single second and they'll walk Jennifer they'll walk Jennifer Holliday out too that was my favorite thing Jennifer Holl Holiday is like 55, okay?

She's not that old. And they bring her out. Every time she comes out, they have this hot, hot guy walking her out. It's like, just get a dolly, just dolly her ass out. Stick her in the middle of the street. That's what you do.

When you're Broadway royalty, that's what you do. Okay, so let's move on to... Oh, no, wait. We have to do the next week because we didn't talk about the dead husband part. So their husband's died and they're gonna go like be nice

I guess in London I want a husband in London and then I want him to die and I want him to give me everything but next week this is what I was gonna say about it this show is so insensitive they're like showing

what they're like next week on the Real Housewives of New York next week on the Real Housewives of New York. Next week on the Real Housewives of New York. And then it shows Carol lying in a hotel room with her hand on an urn and like sobbed, like crying. And then it cuts to strippers. It's like male strippers like grinding their dicks into their...

What is going on? This is so terrible. Well, that's a great segue because there were secrets, I mean, strippers and secrets, on truly my favorite show right now, Secrets and Wives. I mean, this New York stuff isn't fun, but I mean, I am just waiting. It's over. That was too long. I'm sorry.

I'm drinking. Secrets and Wives. Did everyone watch Secrets and Wives this week? Yeah. So who actually watches this show? Who watches it? Not many people, right? We got a thumbs down from the peanut gallery.

Because you can't even find the show illegally online. They have so many empty glasses over here. They're going to be chucking them at us for the next 45 minutes. I don't think they have a waiter yet. We're the only people here in the day because it's hot. People come here at night. It is hot. All right.

Secrets and Wives is my favorite. It's the season finale, so it's very important. Nothing ever happens on this show, and it's really important that we see how nothing ends. Alright, so it starts off with Corey doing her usual thing where she goes, This garbage stinks! That's how the show opens.

This garbage stinks! That's basically the entire season of the show. This garbage stinks. It's like the entire season of the show. This garbage stinks. It's like the theme of Secrets and Wives. So Liza is planning a farewell party to her brick mansion. And her whole thing is that

she's got her gay friends in there. They're going to do a whole big thing. I think we actually have more people here than were at Liza's party for her farewell. Which wasn't even Liza's farewell party. She's like, I'd like to say goodbye to my house because I have to give up my house because my kids are going to school. And so I'm

saying bye house. Bye. I'm going to have a party. I'm Liza and I have parties. I'm like, shut up. Everything she says she's like, I'm Liza and I like Ziploc bags and keep everything fresh. Oh, we just got towels.

Thank you. Oh, wow. This feels luxurious. We're sweating all over the floor. I feel like, I feel like. Sweating all over the cement floor. I feel like the late Whitney Houston. Dabbing myself in.

Oh. In a bath. I say that because we're in Texas, so you can mention things with Houston in it. People are like, yeah, Houston. So they're planning, and I love Liza. She's like, oh my god, I just got a pit in my stomach. I got a pit in my stomach. I'm paralyzed.

You're just having a party, okay? Just relax, all right? I'm going to have to go through this house. What am I going to do with all this furniture? And then they show the furniture, and it's likeift store crap and like some pink oriental red. It makes Ashley furniture look classy. This is just like some shitty ass stuff like

faux Louis XIV house in Versailles. Yeah, that's like when Luann Fabrics has that like going out of business sale routine. Joanne Fabrics. I like the idea of Luann Fabrics too. Your fabric just judges you the whole time you're sleeping on it. Yeah, so they're having this party but the whole of Luann fabrics, too. Your fabric just judges you the whole time you're sleeping on it. Yeah, so they're having this party, but the whole time they were saying,

Oh, is my going away from my house? Boom, beige house. Boom, beige. It's her mom's birthday party. Like, they never mentioned that until the end. What? Like, what an asshole daughter. She took her mom's birthday party and was like,

Bye, house. Shouldn't have anywhere to move into. That's still your house. Shut up. Get your mother a cake. So then we move on to Jonathan's solo business, solo panel business where Max quit. Max had

too hard of a time doing nothing at this ridiculous business. So he quits. Jonathan's like, look, all I'm gonna say is you're kind of a loser. You don't do shit. You come in here, you sit there and text on your phone. I mean, what's that? That's not selling solar. And Max is like, you know, I gotta be honest. This isn't for me. And then later he tells his mom. He told me it wasn't for me, mom. And then he abused me. He threw me out on the

street. She was like, oh, Max, it's okay, honey. She was like, did he make you feel depressed, Max? I don't want you to feel depressed, man. Should we put this on Insta, Max? Let's put your emotions on Insta. What a spoiled little prick. He shows up late to work, and then he eventually says it's not for him. And then he goes and he tells his mom. He alludes to the fact that he was fired.

Yeah, liar. And then she goes and he tells his mom, he alludes the fact that he was fired. Yeah, liar. And then she's like, oh, man. And she doesn't even care about that because she's giving you money anyway. And you know that solar company is just a front. Because they were like, Max is eight hours late for work and it was like two in the afternoon. What, you're working at four in the morning or what? I don't do math. I don't know. I hope that's right. But I love Max's like bullshit response to mom. He's like, Mom, I just want to be so successful at what I do and be happy too. And she's like, me too, Max. That's why I don't care about all these things.

Yeah, he said, I don't care about success, Mom. I just want to be happy. And she's like, I support that, Max. Really? You're about to. She's like, Max, I just bought a new table for you to break. Okay, Max, I support you. I got you an IKEA table, Max. Max, if you don't have a job, Arthur's gonna Arthur's gonna be mad

at me, Max. Oh, no, Arthur. Arthur is gonna be so mad. Since only three of you watch this show, this show is like the anti-feminism, okay? All that bush-growing Gloria Steinem did, all that letting her armpit hair grow, that shit is out the window.

Women have reversed. On this show, there's no job listings for women. There's like personal ads, and that's it. That's all they do. This show makes Gloria Steinem turn over in her grave, and she ain't even dead yet, okay? She's not even dead. He hits me, but he has a job.

And everyone's like, yeah, good, atta girl. Yeah, girl power. But then we also, okay, so then we also have, it's VM girl power. We have Gail. Gail is the wife of Steven, the plastic citizen of the Stads of Long Island. So Gail's whole thing is that,

so Steven has these receptionists, these slutty receptionists who have their boobs out he's phoning every he's phoning every receptionist in New Paratids every one of them

and when he walks in they're like hi hi and then when the wife walks in they're like hi

they the receptionists hate the wife the wife hates the receptionist the wife does her power play is that she makes them all get blazers. So she gets these shitty little blazers.

She's like, I work with my husband. I don't just let my husband do his own business. I am a part of this business. And these sluts are getting white blazers. That's it. They're all wearing blazers. And I love that she described it to Liza. Liza is so literal-minded.

She's like, I think they should cover the ladies up. And Liza's like, little? Little? They're huge. Do you hear that? She says little. She says little. They're huge. It's like i think they should cover the ladies up and lisa's like little little they're huge did you hear that she says little she says little they're huge it's like liza that was the joke that was gail oh my god they're huge did you see that oh my god they just got liza's but gay like yeah oh my god you just got lois on you know you just got blazed Oh my god, I can't believe she said that. You just got blazed! She said that little lady.

Is that huge? It's so big. Oh my god. I got a pit in my stomach. It's so funny. So that couple's fight is that Gail wants an office, and the husband's like, you don't do shit here. And she's like, yes, I do.

I come in here. I say hello. I bring you salad that you don't eat, and then I make people wear blazes. I need an office. And he's like, no, you don't. So they were in a fight. By the way, let's talk about those blazers, because those blazers. I need an office. And he's like, no you don't. So they were in a fight. By the way, let's talk about those blazers because those blazers

made those receptions look like they were in slutty Hogwarts. It was like the porno version of Harry Potter. It was like the worst blazers. They had like a crest. Those were bad. I was on the side of receptions. Those were bad blazers.

The only reason they look slutty is because he put the boobs too big inside of them. They're supposed to be cheap. Like, basically bought them curtains and tried to put them in these ugly, horrible, like, school uniforms. But their boobs are so big that they're like, tied around the waist and they actually look hot. Gail could not have been happier. By the way,

have you noticed that Gail is one of those people who frowns when she smiles? You ever see people like that? Where instead of, like, smiling, they go like this. She's like... She's so happy she's frowning. I'm sorry, I just spat on you. I just spat on the first row. You're like Kristen now.

Bombay fluids coming everywhere. Alright, so then... Oh, so then we see Jonathan and Susan. Jonathan's the one who went to jail, and their big romantic story is when Susan's like, we met three weeks before I went to jail. We only got to have sex once. And so when he got out, I blew him the McDonald's parking lot.

That's literally their romance story. She's like, I gave him a blowjob at McDonald's. Ah. Ah. I would I gave him a blow job at McDonald's. Ah. Ah. I would have taken him to Wendy's, but he had an ex-girlfriend named Wendy. You can't make that shit up. I wanted to take him to Burger King because he's my king. Jonathan, you're my king.

Stop turning off the fire alarms, Jonathan. Jonathan, do you feel nauseous right now? Okay. Jonathan, wash your thumb before dinner. He loves sticking his thumb up Wendy's ass. That's why it's his favorite restaurant. So the thing that's funny is they're the poor, low-class one because everyone on this show thinks they're really high-class.

And they're like, in Long Island, we use forks with our dinner. By the way, has anyone here been to Long Island or know people I have this show is 100% accurate 100% in Long Island we have windows in our homes bitch please we all got windows in our homes

in Long Island our kids go to middle school then high school that's what we call the North Shore education so Susan and Jonathan are like the That's what we call the North Shore education. So Susan and Jonathan are like the poor ones, and they're the only happy ones on this show. I don't know what that says. We have two New Yorkers.

Oh, wait a second. Question from the audience. I'm sorry. Where did you grow up? Don't apologize. This is the most professional part of the podcast. The question was, where did I grow up in New York? We have two New Yorkers. I grew up in Katona, We have two New Yorkers.

I grew up in Katona, New York, in Westchester County. Where are you from? He's from Brooklyn. All right. Yeah, Brooklyn. Kent Avenue right here. Williamsburg, baby. Oh, you do?

Wait, he lives in Williamsburg. I lived there for six years, and I was like, this town has too many fucking stairs. Everywhere is a stair. You can't go to a goddamn Target without there being five stories. Why does there need to be five stories in a Target?

Paralyzed! I'm paralyzed! By all the staircases! So anyway, the alarm, their big story, nothing happens on the show either. So their story line is that the fire alarm went off. The fire alarm went off when he was making toast and then he hit it on the table. This So their story line is that the fire alarm went off. The fire alarm went off when he was making toast and then he hit a red table.

This is why I love this show because that would be my story line. I'd be like, oh my god, you guys, I set up the fire alarm today. I was paralyzed. There was smoke. I forgot to clean my stove. I'm paralyzed. So then, meanwhile, we go back to Gail. We go back to Gail. No, I got my nose now. I got to all your nose. I got to all your nose. You go, you go. So then we go back to Gail. We go back to Gail. No, I got my nose now. I got to all your nose or go through my nose.

You go, you go, you go. So then we go back to Gail who after like five episodes being like, Steven, I want to get my own office and I want to get my office in the plastic surgery building.

She finally gets an office, okay, as a tiny, tacky little closet. And then he's like, he's like, this will be where you're working and she literally says,

well, I don't know about that. We just saw through five episodes saying that you need to work. All right? And now you're not even going to work in the office that he carved out for you? He gave her a mirror desk. Who does that? Who does that?

Have you ever, like, when you're about to take a selfie, you know how when you're about to take a selfie and you're, like, getting it ready down here, and then you have to look at what you look like from down here? Not cute. Yeah. That's making your wife insecure. Who wants to like be working and have to look at

this all day? Not cute. By the way, we have to, is anyone even still watching us on Periscope? If you are, they've been watching. The camera's been at an angle for an hour. It's been like this for an hour. Whoever's there, thank you. I'm making my towel brown.

How? I'm not wearing tanner. I just took a shower. How am I making a towel brown? You're like Adrian Maloof on a couch. So anyway, Gail got her office and by the way, Stephen blindfolded her

he's like alright honey I'm going to blindfold you, don't open your eyes she's like oh where are you taking me and driving and driving and turning and driving I was like please let this be a shallow grave please let this be a shallow grave like bye bitch

he would too because he looks like Danny DeVito the penguin character Please let this be a shallow grave. Please let this be a shallow grave. I knew it. He would, too, because he looks like Danny DeVito, the penguin character. And I knew he was going to do something sinister at the end. He's like, I'll kill the bitch. So then we had a scene of Andy. I think that's all Bravo hasn't done yet. They haven't, like, murdered. We've had suicide, all kinds of death. We haven't had a murder.

They've actually killed one of these bitches. It's coming. It's coming. Bring back Miami. They'll do it. So haven't had a murder. We've actually killed one of these bitches. It's coming. It's coming. Bring back Miami. They'll do it. So then we had Andy. Andy went on a date with her boyfriend who's like halfway between Jerry Seinfeld and Jeff Goldblum. By the way, did anyone

hear Andy's song? You guys know that Andy has a song? No, what is it? So she has a song. Other people's scenes. Other people's scenes. I mean, everyone else's scenes. Her song is the lamest song. Her song is like,

I don't care about the bullshit. All I care about is being with my kids and having special time with my family. Who wants to listen to that song? That song sucks. It's awful. I don't want to spend time with my kids. People listen to music to shut their kids up.

So then we go back to Liza. Liza! I got Liza! Liza! I got Liza! Liza's talking to her daughter and she's talking about the affair that Liza had. Because in case you didn't know, Liza had an affair with her husband on Donny Deutsch, the advertising guy. Yeah, she cheated with Donny Deutsch, which, you know, I mean, rich, like good choice. At least it wasn't a poor person.

So she starts saying in the scene, she's like, you know what, I'm just really tired of taking on all the blame for the marriage falling apart. I'm like, Liza, you had an affair. You take all the blame. That's what you do. I'm sick of this. If I would have had sex with a poor person, it wouldn't have been on page six. And then they show her and she's like posing on page six with Donny Dory. She's like, I'm paralyzed.

I'm paralyzed. They want me to be on the step and repeat. Butny Deutch. She's like, I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed. They want me to be on the step and repeat, but I can't take a single step because I'm paralyzed. So then after she cries and her daughter's like, I can't take the blame for this. And she, oh, and then she tells her daughter, you know, you were the one who helped me, hun, when you told me you're never going to be happy with daddy. Oh, you're blaming your daughter for your affair now. Yeah. Nice work. Maybe it's because we were getting to the Donny Deutch part that my child is getting

brown. Yeah. I don't know how that's happening. There's something about this show that just makes everything inherently dirty. So then Liza's getting ready for a big party, and she saw us on the box. She's like, oh, my God. I could cry. I could cry. I could cry.

Which is my favorite expression because she was already crying. I could cry. I got a fit in my stomach. Oh my god. Paralyzed. Paralyzed? Paralyzed. I'm not looking at my notes.

You're doing it. All right, I'm doing it. So then, let's see. Then Gail got her makeup done by white Rihanna. That's basically all I have to say about that. Okay, so they're doing the end of the season finale party. This was a sad finale party.

Well, even Sanding... Normally they go all out. They'll be like, it's the ball. It's like the poor person ball. Where everybody gets all glamorous to help poor people. I don't understand these people.

I think the show wasted their entire production budget on that bouncy castle that everyone got their thoughts aroused. They're like, sorry, you can have 40 people in Liza's living room. So Sandy, who's Cory's husband, is not going because he has a business meeting. He's unemployed! Okay, so last week they had their anniversary, what was their 25th anniversary or something yeah something like that it was like a big anniversary and so

they rented this like really tacky dinner cruise boat or something it was bad whatever it was was bad and Corey's like all I want from you is to just give a speech and tell everyone you love me and he's like okay and so they get there and she's like thank you all for coming to my party

you know my life changed when I met Sandy. Before Sandy, there was nothing. And then there was Sandy. He gave me children. He gave me life inside me, outside me. Sandy paid for this hair. Sandy, I love you. And then they cut to Sandy.

It's like his turn to give a speech and he's like, he's like, shut the fuck up. Like, no, no. Sandy, don't you want to come up here and give a speech and he's like he's like shut the fuck up no no sandy don't you want to come up here and give a speech he's like fuck you slag sandy oh he's so funny that's why i love him what a sense of humor sandy sandy pretty much and then they're making their best discussion today it was like the day after and she's like you know Sandy I'm real upset because we had that thing

you know even Fran the therapist Dr. Fran told you all you had to do was say I love you and you couldn't even do that and he's like I don't care

and she's like you know what I love him he's a man of few words it's the little things and he does little things he comes downstairs he eats the food I cook

and as long as he keeps doing that, I'll know he loves me. You know, I talk to him and he talks back and, you know, that shows he loves me. The little things. Self-respect, man. I think Bravo's gonna take women's rights so fucking far down that there's another revolution. You know, women get it back.

You know, what are you doing? So then we get to the party, Liza's big party, where her mom, I mean her mom, her mom, I've never seen a bigger drag queen. Divine, her mother Divine. Divine, I've never seen a bigger drag queen on Bravo. Oh my God. So we're all there, everyone's there, Andy's there.

Andy's got a hot son, by the way. Did you notice that? I have. No wonder why she wants to sing a song about being with her family. She's got a hot son. So then. Hot son. I don't want to leave my home because my son's so hot. about being with her family. She's got a hot sun. So then... Hot sun!

I don't want to leave my home because my sun's so hot. My favorite part is that Liza then is going to give a toast. And she's all nervous. And then Susan's like, are you nauseous? Don't be nauseous. Don't be nauseous.

Great toast. Great toast. She's like, don't be nauseous. Have a good time. She's like, I got a bit in my stomach. I'm paralyzed. I just want to say congratulations on not renting your house and not finding anywhere to live and not actually moving out.

And also I'd like to say, here's to Liza maybe one day getting a job. That's all she cares about. Get a job. So the big drama that happened was that Arthur, Hurricane Arthur came. Arthur! Arthur! I'm having a good time, Arthur! So Arthur the dentist was not having a good time.

He was miserable, and he spent the time... Arthur's like the abusive boyfriend of this sad Amy. We pretend she's Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors because he's a dentist. Yeah. And she's always like... Yes, bah, bah. Yes, bah, bah. She actually talks like... Whatever you say, bah, bah.

So he decides he's going to pout he's going to be an asshole he sits in the back and he separates himself and she sends 10 texts in a row being like where are you are you here did you leave

did you try the lobster roll are you here but this is after her getting in a fight with him because he's like Arthur are you just going to sit there and text on your phone? And he's like, fuck off, slag. That's basically every man on this show.

He's like, fuck off. And she's like, Arthur, though, but you're just texting. Why don't you come stand with me and watch the hair cake come out this face on Liza's mom? You just missed a good toast about getting jobs. And he's like, fuck off, slag.

I mean, that's all he says. And then she starts texting him ten times about not being there. It's like, you're a hypocrite. You can't be texting ten times after a lecture

about texting too much. So finally, he's a total asshole to her. And then finally, he goes up to her and he goes, this is such bullshit to me. And he leaves. I'm like,

what's bullshit? It's free food. He's like, this is all bullshit. This is gross. I mean, it was. Was he mad that he was the only one wearing paisley? I mean, come on now. I'm not going to eat a pancake, you

swag. So he left and then Andy, who loves whenever anybody's relationships go wrong, she's like, Arthur left. Oh, you want to cry about it? I mean, Arthur. Arthur, you're going to break up with him? We're going to have an intervention again. She's like, Arthur laughed. Oh, you want to cry about it? Arthur, you're going to break up with him? We're going to have an intervention again. She's like, no.

He just left because he was feeling uncomfortable. He's uncomfortable. He's sensitive. He's uncomfortable. He's the only one who wore three different patterns tonight. He's a little uncomfortable about it. Arthur. Arthur.

So then he leaves. And then there's this pseudo-empowerment moment because there was a chandelier that they never hung up. They take this chandelier out of a box, they go to the second floor. And he's like, this chandelier that was never hung in this house? This is chandelier, and it symbolizes... And Corey goes, what? She's like...

It doesn't symbolize anything. I'm surprised Corey wasn't like, this chandelier sucks, alright? This chandelier stinks. It symbolizes a gaping hole in an overpriced home that nobody could pay for in the first place, which basically sums up this entire show. Yeah, so basically,

the way the show and likely the series ends, they go and they throw a chandelier off the second floor and they're like, yay, empowerment. And Anthea's like, you wasteful bitches. You just threw out a chandelier that cost a few thousand dollars. Donate it. Give it to someone. Now you're breaking it on your driveway.

It's like the poor version of Phantom of the Opera. Somebody just throwing a cheap chandelier on the stage. Like, it's done. And then Amy's walking through the broken glass. Oh, the chandelier just loves me. It just wanted to like me. It's all it wanted.

They're like, look at that person with their face half burned off by acid. Oh, no, no, that's just the cast members. At the end of any housewife show, this is like a tackier housewife show. It's the same thing. So they members. So at the end of any Housewives show, which this is like a just tackier Housewives show, it's the same thing.

So they have their lines at the end where they're like, Liza's like, all I want is to be Liza. And today when I woke up, I was Liza. And I'm still Liza. And maybe later I'll be some Liza. And it's like this nice music. It's like, bitch, did you say one thing?

No. And Corey's like, one day, you know, he'll realize how to give a speech. He'll make a paragraph about it. It's so sad. Their inlines had no holes. I know. It's just like, you know what I learned? I learned that I love my husband.

And that if I feel nauseous, it's okay. It's okay. You can stick a thumb up my butt. I learned to thumb up somebody else's ass in a fun, bouncy house at a child's birthday party isn't cheating. By the way, for those of you who have never even seen this show, all this stuff happens. We're not making this up. We're not joking. And they really talk like that to the women, too.

Some of these are direct quotes. Feminism. Dead. Well, guess what? Are you asking a question or are you just trying to shield yourself from the sun? I forgot about the hair cake. Oh, yeah. That's why he left, that hair cake. The gay guys.

Okay. I just have to say it again. Thank you, Bravo, for these gay guys. Because mostly on Bravo, the gay guys are like, girl! Like, they'll wear high heels and, like, these flowy cap pants and, like, what do you call them

eyelash things they're like girl spears you know like they're really and you know like be that way if you want to but it's just like oh my every gay every gay and bravo and on this one in the north shore they're like hey what's up you want to have a party and they're like these hot guys they're always there to help liza get liza but they're like these hot guys they're like, these hot guys, they're always there to help Liza get Liza. But they're like these hot guys, they're like, Luke, we got your mama cake! It's a wig cake, it's like a cake of hair. It's a cake of her hair. That's gross.

By the way, you know what I love about doing this Crap by Crap West here in Austin? Is that every five minutes or so, some straight guys walk by and they look in and they're like, what the fuck is happening inside there? Well, we just saw a straight guy take a picture with a Lou Ferrigno poster. Someone took the Lou Ferrigno poster! Oh, frat gay. That's in a frat, that's in like

a slightly, maybe after a couple of drinks, gay frat room. Well, I think we covered everything, and if we didn't, too bad, I have to pee so badly. This beer had gone right through me. Is there anything else? Did we miss anything?

Does anyone want to talk about anything? Sugar to Liza. Oh, yeah. Liza was the dessert. Oh, yeah, Liza. And Andy's like, oh, Liza. Liza came out like that sushi table, but it was a cake! It still smelled like sushi, but it was a cake!

And Jonathan's like, yeah, I want to put my thumb up, you bunch! He's like, oh, you got loisered! Loisered totally lost. This party totally got loisered. This party was loisered. Um, so, go pee. I'm going to go pee, but first I have to say thank you to everyone who's been watching. You guys made it through that.

We didn't even know what the fuck we were talking about for an hour and a half of that. I can't believe it. And thank you to everyone on Periscope who has watched this. Thank you. They're gone, right? Diagonal. I think there's one person who's been giving us hearts. Not for Pam.

Still clean, darling. Thank you guys so much for being here. We'll be here all night. Drink it up. Yeah, and we will hopefully stop sweating once we're out of the sun. It's not dark yet. I thought we'd be here. Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, listeners. All right. Bye. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there

And I still have a hard time with the last name Liza Our very own Owen Benjamin That's me Takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes And much more You don't have to wait any longer Just go to youtube.com slash waitfortcomedy There's no need to wait for it anymore

Because it's here And it's funny And I love you to the insurance company that spurned me our time together has come to an end it's not me it's you we both know what i'm talking about 15 minutes ago i began courting geico it was just the easiest thing i've done since buttering my biscuit at breakfast. Not only have I saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance, but also the future tears you were sure to impose. My heart and my coverage now belong to Geico. Sincerely, not yours, Tara in Telluride.

Geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Happens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.