Watch What Crappens - #208: Let's Whoop It Up.

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

On this episode of "Watch What Crappens," Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) and Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) are totally loony. First the two chat about the latest Kim Richards shoplifting new...s. Then it's off to Tahiti where the ladies of "Real Housewives of Orange County" continue to terrorize French Polynesia. Grab your nebulizer: it's time for many, many "David? David?" jokes. Then it's on to "Married to Medicine" where Quad's jaunt to Los Angeles gets the full "Crappens" treatment. Good times! You can donate to us at http://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: http://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://bit.ly/crappens Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Crap is. Crap is.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me, as usual, is the lovely and wonderful and funny man of a thousand voices, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hello. A thousand voices that all sound like me. He just did three right then.
Starting point is 00:01:26 Hi, Ben Tamoun then. Hi, Benjamin. Hi, how's it going, Ronnie? Really, really good. I'm having so much fun. I figured out how to use my computer on my chair, so I'm like chilling with the TV tray. I'm looking up couch desks
Starting point is 00:01:42 right now, so it can actually come closer to me, darling. I'm loving life, Penny. I love it. I love it. I'm also doing well desks right now so it can actually come closer to me darling I'm loving life Penny darling I love it I love it I'm also doing well I went down to Starbucks before we started recording and I got myself one of the new Starbucks cold brews and what I learned as we started to talk about at the end of the bonus episode
Starting point is 00:01:58 this week what I learned is that the cold brews at Starbucks have twice as much caffeine so that means I'll be twice as slurry and chatty. Yay, do it! I'm on my second and I did not get a cold brew, but now that I know about it,
Starting point is 00:02:13 I will be getting cold brew. Yeah. So anyway, everyone, thanks for coming to the podcast. If this is your first time coming along, then we will pimp out our stuff to you, which is that if you want to follow us on social media, we're at watchworkrappons.com, and it's a link
Starting point is 00:02:32 to all our Twitter pages and Instagram and Periscope and all that super fun stuff. Chief among them, though, is facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens, which continues to be out of control and hilarious. People are posting funny ass shit on there. So good. We are over 4,500 likes, which is amazing. I'm so appreciative of everyone who comes on board there. It's really great. A lot of fun content, and it sort of elongates the Watcher Crabbins experience in between episodes in a certain way.
Starting point is 00:03:06 It sure does. I check it all the time. Me too. It is a great toilet read. If nothing else, it's a great thing to check out when you're on the toilet. Because, I mean, what would Crabbins be without the crap, right? Exult law.
Starting point is 00:03:22 Yeah. Anyway, to those of you Who are still listening You can also support us On patreon.com Patreon forward slash Patreon.com forward slash Watch what crap ends
Starting point is 00:03:32 If you support us there You get access to A bonus episode Which we just recorded We just talked For about 45 minutes About Big Brother We talked about
Starting point is 00:03:41 All the characters And the storylines Etc So if you are A Big Brother fan I highly recommend listening to that. We also have Google Hangouts once a month and Ringtones and all sorts of other fun stuff. And that's pretty much
Starting point is 00:03:56 everything. And we have no commercials. Oh, but we do have to say that this podcast is brought to you in part by Claudia Catalina and Christy Dougherty, who are who are they are our two premium subscribers on Patreon. So they get a very big shout out. We have to thank them especially. Thank you so much, Claudia and Christy. Yeah, thank you, guys. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:04:23 I didn't do the nice thing that Ronnie made on last week's episode with the big audience. Oh, make a little announcement? Yeah. Sometimes it's just easier to get it all done that way because I forget so much stuff
Starting point is 00:04:35 when we're just talking. When we're doing this actual show, I just love to not think. Isn't that plainly obvious? Yeah. Isn't that what Bravo is all about? Just forget your brain at the door, y'all. Forget your brain at the door
Starting point is 00:04:50 and just coast down. Brain's never got anybody anything. By the way, you know what was really funny? This is tangentially related to anything, but remember when Casper Mattress advertised on our podcast like two months ago?
Starting point is 00:05:05 Yeah. So I was bored. So two of my friends and I, we went to the Casper Mattress showroom in LA. And it was so comfortable. It was? It was amazing. Maybe they'll come back.
Starting point is 00:05:17 Come on back, Casper Mattress. We miss you, darling. You're like a ghost. Oh, darling, come back. You're like a beautiful young man, Casper. Like someone that J-Lo would date on and off for two or three years. Yeah, Casper is the new ghost in Vicky's wall. He's like, Mom, are you sleeping comfortably on your Casper?
Starting point is 00:05:38 I just remembered. I just remembered Mom's gone. Mom's gone. Mom's gone. No one's in her Casper mattress What do you mean there's possums in the walls Oh my god my mom's in there Get her out
Starting point is 00:05:50 Hey mom come out of your hut in Tahiti Oh I forgot mom's not on vacation Oh my god I forgot mom's died Oh It's just a Casper mattress it's not mom Anyway So let's talk about our two. We have two shows.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Oh, no. Oh, wait, but there's some gossip first. You got to let me finish the way I'm going to set up. I'm going to say we're going to have two shows, but. Okay. Sorry. No. Oh, no, you finished.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Oh, no. No. No, I'm just kidding. You have some major gossip. I'm loving my second caffeine of the day. I still feel tired, but also my heart's racing and I'm super energetic at the same time. Isn't that weird? Yeah, that's like...
Starting point is 00:06:32 Even on like cocaine, I'm still tired. So anyway... Not that I do that. Darling, I'd be so thin if I did. Come on, cocaine. Come back to me, darling. Anyway, Kim Richards. Come on, really, Kim. Kim, Kim, on, really, Kim.
Starting point is 00:06:45 Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. There is being a mess. Okay, there's being like a mess that a Swiffer can clean up. Then there's being a mess that like a vacuum can clean up. And then there's being the kind of mess that you have to replace the wood flooring. Kim Richards, you're leaking through the boards, Johnny. She's going need, like, an official crime team. Like, one of those
Starting point is 00:07:08 people, you know, the hazmat. Hazmats. They need to come in in their beekeeper outfits and just do a deep cleanse on all the moldy shit that Kim Richards is leaving around. She is a mess. Kim Richards, stay out of the
Starting point is 00:07:23 hazmat recycle bin, Kim. She's like, hazmat? I never tried that. There's a mess. Kim Richards, stay out of the hazmat recycle bin, Kim. She's like, hazmat? I've never tried that. There's a whole bag of it. Alright, warm it up, Kim. So, tell the people the latest stop on the Kim Richards disaster tour. Well, I will be telling you this based on headlines
Starting point is 00:07:39 because I couldn't even. I was like, really, Kim? Again, and of course people are just posting it and tweeting it at us like crazy. So, it's like, it's just Kim, Kim, like, really, Kim, again? And of course people are just posting it and tweeting it at us like crazy. So it's like, it's just Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. And I feel like I've read 10 articles because of all the headlines I've read. So I've read it phrased a million different ways. But basically, Kim Richards went up into a Target by her house. If you're going to steal, you better fucking go to a different neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:08:05 Why can't you go to the Target on La Brea? Why you got to go to the one right down the street? Yeah, I've been to that Target in Van Nuys and she had no right to burgle it. But go on.
Starting point is 00:08:15 Burgled a Target. She burgled a Target. That's basically what she did. And she was stealing like tons of stuff. It wasn't like jacks. Yeah, what was it? What did she steal?
Starting point is 00:08:25 I don't even have a list, but I would imagine it was a wooden spoon to hit the maid with if she tried to tell her to stir it without her hands. To stir the chicken salad without her hands. Some up-and-up hand moisturizer. A nice shoebox greeting with Francine. Is that her name? Francine? On the front saying like,
Starting point is 00:08:50 you didn't steal my heart open, but you stole my house. Probably some over the door like hangers, you know, so she could put up some dish towels on her cabinets. That bitch is so stupid. You know she was trying to steal, like, one of those foam mattress toppers in a gigantic box.
Starting point is 00:09:10 She's like, hey, you got Casper mattresses here? She was probably like, hey, can somebody help me to my car with this? You're like, uh, you're stealing. She probably just was, like, trying to steal the Target dog. She's like, Kingsley needs a friend. I'm going to steal Bullseye, the dog. She was probably trying to take the Bullseye off the front of the target. I'll get Kyle something else to aim at and put this outside my house.
Starting point is 00:09:36 Kimberly needs this in her dorm room. I'm going to put this Bullseye there. I'm going to put this Bullseye on my rental roof so that when Kyle and Maritza are flying overhead, they can easily target which house to steal next. Monty loves, you know, archery, so I thought, you know, this way he'll feel like he's on the range. I saw one of those pillboxes for Monty that has letters printed on it. S is for so good. M is for mine.
Starting point is 00:10:08 T is for T for two, two for T. Drug three, drug three. W is we'll do this one together. Th is for think about it. You don't need that pill. Give it to me, Monty. And F is fuck you. Get out of my house. You can't do it. fuck you unless you give me one of your pills okay
Starting point is 00:10:28 rent's paid come on back in I don't like I don't know I got arrested I mean I brought my own tote bag it's not what you're supposed to do okay trying to act like I asked for a plastic bag or something I didn't want to pay the 10 cents for the paper bag, so they arrested me. Oh, God. She's such a mess. Okay, so she was... Okay, so it says here, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hill star was arrested on Sunday for shoplifting
Starting point is 00:10:56 and was subsequently released on $5,000 bail. She spent the night, by the way, in the Van Nuys police station. So this is truly the decline of Kim Richards, because back like two months ago, when she got arrested, she at least got arrested in Beverly Hills for being a mess at the Polo Lounge. Now she's just in Van Nuys, stealing from a Target. I mean, what's next? Like, is she just going to be, like, jaywalking in Chatsworth?
Starting point is 00:11:21 It's just going to get worse from here. The next headline says, Kim Richards this is from tmc kim richard's homeless living out of car at time of arrest oh my god why is she living out of her car and where's monty i'll stole it well they keep on the the article that i read from uh like i think it was from entertainment tonight monty defended Kim by saying, this is totally out of her character. It's got to be a misunderstanding. And this has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. It's a total misunderstanding.
Starting point is 00:11:52 You know, it's so funny. They paint Monty as this guy who's dying in his chair, breathing his last gasps of air. And yet anytime something happens with Kim, he's out there giving statements, talking to the press. What is going on with this guy? She keeps blaming everything on Monty. The stress of Monty. Monty's a party animal, eh?
Starting point is 00:12:11 If you look at his Twitter. He might have erased a lot of it, but when all that was going down, people were posting links to his Twitter or Facebook or whatever, and it's like, posing with porn stars and he's always at some party or whatever. So yeah, I and he's always at like some party or whatever so yeah i mean i imagine he's probably doing stuff with her i mean here's the thing like all of us are gonna get cancer okay like the way the world is going and i'm not even laughing
Starting point is 00:12:35 because it's funny because i've lost so many family members to it at this point i just know it's coming like i don't know what kind of ear cancer nose cancer you got all kinds of cancer most of us are going to get it we're drinking it out of the fountains where i mean i don't even know where it's coming from every place okay we're all going to get it getting cancer does not automatically make you a good person it makes you a person who's going through a lot of stuff but it's not like it just suddenly makes you a good person. Like, cancer kills cells. It doesn't, like, help your personality. You know what I mean? Right.
Starting point is 00:13:07 So he's not going to just be a saint, but people are like, oh, you can't talk about Monty being a drug abuser because he has cancer. Oh, come on now. I'm sorry. I zoned out. You know why? Because I just won't shut up. No, it had nothing to do with you. I was just sent a link where apparently Lenny Kravitz was performing in concert last night. And he, like, crouched down.
Starting point is 00:13:31 And his pants split open the crotch. And he was not wearing underwear. And there's a full-on picture of Lenny Kravitz with his dick out. Oh, send it over. What does it look like? Well, it looks like there's a cock ring. And, you know, I mean, it's not... Of course there's a cock ring and um you know what i mean it's not i mean of course there's a cock ring it's uh it looks fine i guess do the helicopter and get that ring
Starting point is 00:13:52 on it looks mid-sized you know it's either way it's still a dream come true so the understandably i had to zone out when you're talking on your cancer rant because very urgent lenny kravitz penis photo news i have to look that up so what should i look at lenny kravitz dick Lenny Kravitz penis photo news is happening. I have to look that up. What should I look up? Lenny Kravitz dick? Lenny Kravitz, yeah. Penis. That's a good one. Lenny Kravitz. And apparently there's a video of it also
Starting point is 00:14:16 on YouTube, but I wasn't going to play that because I do have, I am being a professional somewhat. Well, you know what? You have to hand it over to Lenny. He is getting himself into the news. I mean, a professional somewhat. Well, you know what? You have to hand it over to Lenny. He is getting himself into the news. I mean, that's good. He doesn't care. He's still hot.
Starting point is 00:14:30 He's so hot. He's so cute. He's still really hot. He will always be hot. So he doesn't... Whatever. He showed his butt on a music video once. He doesn't care.
Starting point is 00:14:40 Oh, there was like a picture of him showing his penis on purpose, I think. Or this is somebody else and it's just under the Lenny Kravitz image search. I don't know. But he's hot. Yeah. Anyway, so we're talking about cancer and Monty and Kim Richards. And Dick. And Lenny Kravitz Dick.
Starting point is 00:14:57 Just another day. Just another day talking to Ben. It's just, yeah. Those could be the new lyrics to Just another day in paradise by phil collins yeah i uh i feel bad for kim at this point yeah because that inner i mean i guess i've always kind of felt bad for her but that entertainment weekly or entertainment tonight interview we talked about a couple weeks ago where they're like and next we're gonna talk to kim richards about her desperate alcoholism she's like like, I love sobriety.
Starting point is 00:15:27 It's sad because she keeps on making these interviews, and I almost feel like every time she does one, she's convincing herself that she's okay. But I think it's patently obvious that she's not getting the treatment that she needs.
Starting point is 00:15:41 She's trying to get her job back on the show, and so she keeps going on to prove to everybody that she can get insured by insurance companies at the production company, and there's no way that the network is going to get insurance for her. Sorry, you're gone. But I am feeling kind of bad
Starting point is 00:15:57 for her, but then listening to stuff in her interviews, she's just so far gone that she's really, I mean, that's an uphill battle i mean what do you do if you've never been sober your whole life and yeah you suddenly have to go through this world sober it sucks man yeah and it's also kind of amazing that she still kept it together for for a good amount of time right she was like she she was she kept it together through four or five seasons
Starting point is 00:16:26 of the show, even when she was being sloppy, like, she's definitely drunk. She was just like a drunk. She was like a bad drunk, but she wasn't like a disaster. And Lisa Rinna starts coming for her and is like, I think she still has a problem. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. And then it's like,
Starting point is 00:16:42 you know, it's like the she came apart at the seams and now it's just one disaster after another. It's like whatever energy she had and keeping being like a high functioning alcoholic or at least a medium range functioning alcoholic is gone. She is just off. Well, it's like coming out of the closet, you know, like so many gay guys, so many guys are terrified to come out of the closet they don't want to be gay they don't want everybody knowing they're gay you know they're they're going to be kicked out of their house or their family's going to hate them or the world's going to turn on them and then and somebody finds out and they tell everybody and then it's like that person's life is ruined but no it's not because now they
Starting point is 00:17:21 realize they're gay and they're like fuck it i. I'm just going to, you know, I'm not even ordering a pizza tonight. I'm ordering a bag of dicks. All right. I want a bag of dicks delivered to my house. Because it's like once you're out of the closet and it's all on the table, it's like, all right, let's party. You know, and I think that that was kind of the way with her. It's like she kind of was outed and she's like, well, fuck it. Everybody's already called me a lushy drunk.
Starting point is 00:17:44 So let's do it right you know i think you're right god bless her man kim just you know darling i mean just scale it back a little bit we love you we love you you know keep it back keep it keep it together be drunk just don't be so drunk that you have to quit drinking yeah and you know just stick to the booze instead of the paint thinner. I think that will help too. Well, that stuff is in meth. That was like an ingredients list for meth
Starting point is 00:18:11 that was in Kim Richards' system. That's what she's getting at Target then. Yeah, they're like, oh, there's so many random chemicals. Yeah, at Target she's like, you guys got any goof off and penadryl? And whiteout. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:28 What do you mean, also whiteout? How am I supposed to fix my computer typing? Oh, by the way, do you have any screen cleaner? Robitussin. I just have that Tessa Tessa so I'm not drinking a robot you have on robot you have no non robot testing I don't trust I don't trust the robot but test, do you have a Roomba test? Do you have a Roomba test in Kazan? My cold will feel better, but my house will still get clean.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Hey, my Tamaguchi's got a cold. I think I need to get some Tamaguchi testing. You guys have any of that in stock? God bless her. Could you imagine with Kim Richards running a Roomba on the floor of her leased Bentley that's about to be taken away? She's probably like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream. When that Roomba comes in the room, she is probably crouched in the
Starting point is 00:19:31 corner, fearing for her life. She just sees jaws on the floor coming at her. The neighbor's suing me because she said my Roomba bit her. My Roomba would never do that. So anyway, why don't we move on to Real Housewives of Orange County?
Starting point is 00:19:51 I would rather talk about Kim Richards for another two hours. We can do that too. Okay, Real Housewives of Orange County. So the... Guys, here I come. Let me get my notes up. So the Tahiti dreams, Tahitian dreams continue.
Starting point is 00:20:08 So now on this week's episode, the vacation continues. And we began with the ladies leaving the main island and taking a ferry to Moraya. Oh, Lord. Well, I'm proud of Heather for not saying Moraya 20 times. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That was good. I'm glad that she didn't find another I'm glad she didn't find like a 10 syllable
Starting point is 00:20:29 like foreign word to say over and over that nobody else knew just so she could prove that she knows things that they don't know too I'm also proud of her for not calling Terry when they got to the ferry terminal I'm proud of her for not calling Terry up and demanding that they add on a ferry port to their new mansion.
Starting point is 00:20:47 Terry, we need to have not only a carport, but a ferry port, please. Terry. Terry, I'm not really sure about the cabinets yet. Could you please send the million dollar cabinets over here so I can inspect them? Oh, it's so hard. I can't even take a vacation. Just a day in the life, though. Just a day in the life, because I'm easy breezy
Starting point is 00:21:07 Heather, you know? New me. New funny me. Don't you love me, audience? I'm just like you guys. I'm just like you. Look at me in this little hut, just like the rest of you. Yeah, it's easy. No big deal. Terry, we need a new ferry port.
Starting point is 00:21:23 I mean, some of you guys go to Walmart. I actually go to a mart that sells gigantic walls, okay, for my gigantic house. I'm just like you guys. Some people like to buy bricks at the hardware store. I like to buy full walls. Hey, it's okay. I'm just like everyone else. Hey, I'm owning it.
Starting point is 00:21:40 I'm just sort of, like, effortlessly glamorous like Lisa Vanderpump. Now you all love me, right? I'm Heather. Poor I'm just sort of like effortlessly glamorous like Lisa Vanderpump. Now you all love me, right? I'm Heather. Poor gerbil-faced Heather. Okay, so they get to whatever. They go to the ferry. Well, they get on the ferry and then Vicky does her fake vomit thing. That's like her, you know, Vicky is, she plays up a lot of these things.
Starting point is 00:21:59 Like she always is like when she is nauseous or when she she's drunk she's totally the girl who likes to overdo it to make people laugh you know she's like oh my god i'm so drunk i'm so nauseous yeah vicky is always talking about how classy she is but she is the most white trash to put it as my mother would put it if she watched real housewives of Orange County. What happened to her face? And why do people just allow white trash like this to run around unfettered? I don't really know what that meant, but
Starting point is 00:22:34 I think I got the point. And I don't really know why. She has a house in Lake Havasu. She goes every year to a bar called Andalas in Mexico Mexico She's white trash And she's sexually promiscuous I have never been with multiple partners in my life
Starting point is 00:22:52 So they're at this stupid What are they doing? They're on a boat And Vicky needs to really stop making Stop trying to make whoop it up happen oh she's not saying it right so this this episode i mean she was trying harder than heather trying to be a woman of the people she was like oh we gotta whoop it up we're gonna get on the boat we're gonna whoop it up we're gonna whoop it up all right there's a vending machine let's whoop it up at the vending machine oh look at this we're on a whoop it up board hey
Starting point is 00:23:20 i hope you got whoop it up life jackets because i'm putting one. I'll just drown in the middle of the ocean. I don't care. I'd rather die than not whoop-it-up. What? What? Who's whooping it up? They know Spanish here, right? Whoop.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Is it the same in English as it is in Spanish? Whoop. Whoop-a-lay. I think that's how you say it. It's whoop-a-lay. Is it like school where you add an A on the end and suddenly you're talking Spanish? It's whoop-a. Let's whoop-a-it-up, okay?
Starting point is 00:23:44 Okay. You know, if this boat goes down, I don't mind. We're just going's whoopa it up, okay? Okay. You know, if this boat goes down, I don't mind. We're just gonna whoop it up in the ocean. We're gonna whoop it up with the sharks as they eat us. Just whoop it up. Are you guys gonna whoop it up with us? Hey, sharks, you gonna whoop it up? Hey, octopus, you gonna whoop it up with us? Huh? Huh?
Starting point is 00:23:57 Heather trying to be amusing is like, where's Shannon's remedies now when Vicky's about to throw up? I mean, where's your hocus pocus? First of all, that's a dick move to be making fun of poor Shannon's maladies. No, it's not. It's funny. Also,
Starting point is 00:24:13 I think by now you should know that those remedies don't actually work. You've seen Shannon, right? Everyone's like, let's go whoop it up! And Shannon's like, I'll be in my room with my immunizer, amino acid inhaler, anti-AIDS vaccine. I have to do it every day. It's awful.
Starting point is 00:24:32 It's just horrible being me. I have to take a weeping willow tincture in order to stave off the seasickness. Thank you, David. David, where's my tincture? David. off the seasickness. Thank you. David? David? Where's my tincture? David? I'm injecting
Starting point is 00:24:47 butterfly spinal fluid into my cheeks so that I won't get cheated on again. Okay, David? David? Oh, God. Voicemail. Negative thought. Negative thought. David? David? David? I don't feel good. I'm going to bed. I must take my
Starting point is 00:25:03 daily pigeon foot elixir in order to keep the negative thoughts in the 40 to 50 range. David, do you have my pigeon foot elixir? David? Oh, by the way, I didn't tell you your good news today, Benjamin. Oh? Your song, the Shannon Bedore David song, is number five today. What? I just looked. It's number five today. What? I just looked.
Starting point is 00:25:25 It's number five on there. My girl code is not even on the list, okay? Out of 200. By the way, that list is so crazy because when I looked yesterday, the song was at 102. It was at nine, then 102, and now it's up to five? I mean, this is like...
Starting point is 00:25:40 That is our highest rating ever tied with the Amy Phillips thing. Oh my god, you guys. Can we get it to number one? Can you guys just all send it to your friends? And you guys, can you listen to it like 10 times per day? Yeah, so good. I'm sorry, you have to listen to the ads, but sorry. I tweeted my Girl Code song to the chick from Real Housewives of D.C., Kat, the evil one. I love her because she likes my evil recaps.
Starting point is 00:26:03 And she was like, oh god, please no. No more of this crap. And then she tweeted it at Cindy C and she's like, I always think of you when I'm forced into dealing with this shit. I was like, oh, that's why I love you, Kat. So she doesn't like you anymore? Is that what you're saying?
Starting point is 00:26:19 I don't know. She probably doesn't remember it, but I like that I annoyed her. So right now we have Chrissy Teigen and Kat O'Manny who hate us. I'm going to get everybody to hate us while you get everybody to love us. I don't think I've gotten anyone to love us except maybe Elizabeth and the Casper showroom. Who said she actually downloaded our podcast.
Starting point is 00:26:39 She was like, oh my God, I love Real Housewives. She actually downloaded the podcast and was like, I'm going to listen. So Elizabeth, hi. Hi, Elizabeth. Okay, so yeah, I thought that was really cool and I wanted to be sure I told you on here so you know publicly. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Because if it's not on the podcast, it's not real, Bean.
Starting point is 00:26:56 I can't believe it's at number five. Maybe if we can get to number three. So here's the thing. We're going to actually post those songs. We'll post them so people can just download them. But maybe we should incentivize it that if we can get to number three, then we'll make it downloadable. Okay. Because otherwise if people are listening to it normally, then our Shannon ranking is going to drop down to like 1,000.
Starting point is 00:27:22 I know that list does go crazy. It makes no sense. It's like everybody was listening on Saturday. I don that list does go crazy. It makes no sense. It's like everybody was listening on Saturday. I don't know. It's weird. I secretly, you know what I believe? I secretly think that iTunes hates us and that when we infiltrate the top 10, they don't pay attention. And then they see that we're in the top 10 amongst NPR and Grantland and Disney. And they're like, oh, oh fuck this they drop us down to
Starting point is 00:27:46 102 and then they stop paying attention and we come back up again and they're like oh fuck this they just keep on pushing us down what are these guys doing get them off of our list get them off of this classy list gilbert godfrey does not want to be crowded wait i have to go look now is this real is this real yeah it's. It won't change until tomorrow. Oh, yeah. I'm loading up the iTunes. So, of course, the iTunes store is the worst because you have to click iTunes store to music and then you have to click the podcast tab. If you go through like 10 million steps just to see what the top episodes are, you know?
Starting point is 00:28:18 Oh, God. Let's whoop it up. Let's whoop it up. Just put podcast. It will take you right over there. Oh, well, let me go. I'm going to go to all categories. I've got to go to TV and film. Let's whoop it up in the TV and film category, huh? Let's who right over there. Oh, well, let me go. I'm going to go at all categories. I've got to go to TV and film. Let's whoop it up at the TV and film category, huh?
Starting point is 00:28:30 Oh, yeah. It's not overall. It's in the TV and film. Oh, my God. You're right. Well, so right now, it's number one is NPR. Number two is Gilbert Gottfried. Then Grantland. Then Big Brother Gossip Show, which is basically our bonus episode. So people should
Starting point is 00:28:45 and then we'll take that spot even though we didn't earn it we'll just and then it's and then it's uh watch what crap is the shannon bedore shannon bedore the david song and then naturally npr again love it we beat npr shannon bedore the david song beat npr terry gross you can call us. We'll come on the show. Let's go on the moth. Let's go on the moth and tell a story about how we beat NPR. I love that.
Starting point is 00:29:14 It'll be right between the guy who was there for a nuclear explosion and saved a baby. And then like the transgender lady who got pregnant on accident yeah and then we'll be right in the middle of those stories i love that and there'll be a lot of sound effects of like clanking silverware or like this ambient sound of like a diner and it'll be like ben and ronnie have been podcasting for four years together they never thought when they started that they'd make something of themselves but things have decidedly changed and then all of a sudden you'll hear like a waitress being like order up cheesecake only in our case it's literally a waitress for mel's diner which if you are just listening we do have an episode from mel's diner from about a month ago where the waitress did make a cameo on the show but anyway
Starting point is 00:30:01 anyway back to the show let's stop patting ourselves on the back That's all you baby That's me patting you on the back You go boo I've listened to that song seriously 70 times I actually really My favorite part is David, David, David, David, David, David, David
Starting point is 00:30:15 I know But you know what's annoying? Actually if you listen to it directly on the iTunes store The desktop iTunes store It doesn't work right It cuts off the end It like fades off the end Before she goes
Starting point is 00:30:24 Judgy eyes. But if you listen to it on your iPhone, it works. Yeah, you have to drag and drop the songs onto your desktop, and then they sound so much better. I never knew that about iTunes, that they lower the quality on the actual store. But now I do. You can drag and drop from the iPad
Starting point is 00:30:40 store? I mean, the podcast store? No, no. Well, when you've downloaded it to your computer, you can just drag and drop that file onto your computer and it plays beautifully. There you go. You see, you didn't think you were going to get iTunes tips here, but you did. 40 to 50. You know, I now have 39 to 49 negative thoughts. I'm doing well. You dropped my range down by one.
Starting point is 00:31:07 It's that injection of filtered pigeon poop into your aorta. Well, you know, the funny thing is with the Shannon song is that it gets to the core of why I'm loving Real Housewives. I mean, we praise her every week. But for instance,
Starting point is 00:31:21 this vacation episode and last week's, nothing really happened, there weren't any fights, but it's so entertaining because it's such a great display of Shannon's neuroses. So, the women get to Marea, and they get into their beautiful huts, etc. And they're
Starting point is 00:31:38 all like, oh my god, this is wonderful, this is beautiful, Vicky wants to whoop it up. And then Shannon gets into her room and she's like, Oh, there's food here. Why did they leave this food here? It's all fattening. David?
Starting point is 00:31:49 David? David? I've got to cough every day. I have to use this every day because I'm handicapped. I mean, I can walk, but my poor lungs can't. You know what it's like walking around with non-walking lungs? It's horrible. Every time I get to a crosswalk, my lungs feel terrible about themselves.
Starting point is 00:32:11 And I say, don't worry, we're going to keep breathing ionized pigeon poop until you're okay. David? David? David, did you leave all this fattening food in here for me, David? David, are you trying to fatten me up? David, are you a feeder now? David, are you a feeder? David. David's mistress sent me chocolate-covered strawberries to my room.
Starting point is 00:32:28 Anybody know how she found me? David, David. David, turn off my... Find your friends, David. David. David, why did you do this to me, David? David. David, I want a list of how many mistresses you have shown my iCloud password to, David.
Starting point is 00:32:44 David, where's my nebulizer? David? Every time I breathe into my nebulizer, David, I feel like I am breathing into your soul. David? David? What about when they first got there and all the employees came out and started dancing around for them? And Vicky just thinks they're in Mexico because everybody's brown. Just like, hola!
Starting point is 00:33:01 Woohoo! Woo-bye-da-ba! And they're dancing. And then some guy's dick is like flopping out of his towel Lenny Kravitz-ing it and Tamara's like woo yeah bitch love the deck
Starting point is 00:33:14 and he's just like he's like finally an old an old weathered you know rich lady from America to marry me it's like you've already got a gay husband you've've taken a Bora Bora, Tamara. Keep it in your pants. Let's
Starting point is 00:33:30 whoop it up. Let's whoop it up, Tamara. Okay. So, yeah, they got to their huts, and Heather's like, oh, isn't it cute? Look at me. I'm staying in a small place. I'm gonna call Terry right now. And then she FaceTimes Terry, and she's wearing another terrible fishnet thing. From the Phaedra Parks collection.
Starting point is 00:33:50 And then she's like, Terry, miss this. And then she aims the FaceTime at her crotch. I was like, ew, Heather, please. Stop trying to be entertaining and sexy and fun. You are not Lisa Vanderpump. Yeah, like Terry's sitting there like god it's hot today i wish i could open that miniature office fridge i have heather's vagina and warm off my face or cool off my face a little bit yeah no he's like why are you showing me an
Starting point is 00:34:16 image of grayskull mountain the look on his face when she they show him on facetime and the look on his face when they show him on FaceTime and the look on his face when she's like, do you miss this, Terry? He's like, ah. He's got that big, wide smile you give a kid when they just shit on the floor. And you're like, I'm still proud of you, but you're really embarrassing Daddy right now, the Dillards. He had that total look on his face.
Starting point is 00:34:38 And then her face froze in the FaceTime and it's the best she's ever looked. It's like, that's what we could have, Heather. Yeah. It's like, just just pixelator and she looks better um and then so somewhere amongst is when they got in that first night they went out to dinner and we had sort of like the annual real housewives of orange county tradition which is when all these women go out to a restaurant and they poo-poo like elegant food and they scoff at it and make themselves look like idiots. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Vicky gets a medium piece of steak, and she's like, oh, I can't eat this. Oh, gosh, could you just cook this a little more? And then Tamara's like, eh, scallops are slimy, bitch. And Megan's like, oh, God, why can't everybody just be classy? This is so embarrassing. We're in a foreign country, okay? People don't complain about their food in foreign countries. You get a sack of feed, you eat it.
Starting point is 00:35:31 You get a slimy scallop, you eat it. I mean, shit, you get a booger, you put it in a lettuce wrap, and you eat it. It all comes up the same way, people. And then immediately Megan starts complaining about something that's being too spicy. I ordered fish sticks. Where are my fish sticks? I ordered the kids macaroni and cheese just because it's really hard not having a kid. Nobody understands.
Starting point is 00:35:53 So I'm just going to order this and let it get cold like my womb. I order off the kids menu because I want to be cool with my kids. And they are my kids even though they're not my own kids. I mean, I wish people knew what it was like to order off a kid menu when you don't have real kids. Do you know how hard it was to not push Hayley out of my vagina? It was really hard. Nobody understands.
Starting point is 00:36:16 Where's the pain pill for that? No one gave me an epidural. This is hard. Whenever I order off a kid's menu, I think about how Haley always spends all her time with mozzarella sticks instead of doing her homework. And I feel like such a failure of her month as a mother, which I am. I'm her mother.
Starting point is 00:36:34 Whenever I'm in a restaurant and they give me the kids menu, I just think to myself, God, Haley would be doing this maze totally wrong right now. Whenever I do the maze, I get so confused. And it's the same sort of confusion I feel trying to be a mother to Hayley.
Starting point is 00:36:49 Oh, God. Her voice is... Someone pointed this out the other day on her Facebook, but her voice is basically just Kristen now. I know. Well, because Megan...
Starting point is 00:37:01 Megan talks like this, and Kristen talks like this, and it's just easier. I mean, they have pretty much the same IQ. She's more of like a giraffe, whereas Kristen's more of a horse face. You know, it's all the same. Did we skip the part where Tamara got naked? Yeah, we did. We did.
Starting point is 00:37:17 I think I was going to talk about it. I think we were talking about white trash at some point, I think. And then Tamara came running out with her boobs. And then they're like, oh, I hope a shark doesn't eat one of your boobs. Listen, if the sharks were ever praying for another BP spill, that water is too clear. They were probably like, whoa, this water is too clear. Remember when that was a good thing in this ocean? Not anymore.
Starting point is 00:37:45 We need a filter. Are you people still driving your cars with gas or not? Get off your asses. You know that the number one story on Shark News was, everyone stay clear of Tahiti. There is a crazy lady in the water there. There has been a crazy lady sighting. Steer clear.
Starting point is 00:38:03 And all the sharks are like, oh, God, Tahiti, we can't go in the water in Tahiti anymore. Sharks are like, you remember what happened last time you ate saline, Jerome? He's like, yeah, I do. Didn't end well, did it? No. Stay away from her. Okay. And of course, Heather is the one who's
Starting point is 00:38:19 totally comfortable around all of the cold-blooded animals. Heather's never comfortable anywhere in any place, but the second she sees a animals. Heather's never comfortable anywhere, in any place. But the second she sees a shark, she's like, Oh, it's beautiful. Come over here, sharks. I'm like, okay, Ursula. She's like the queen of the evil things in the sea. I loved it.
Starting point is 00:38:39 Yeah, the number one shark blockbuster is called Heather. She gets in the water like, Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-d like, just when you thought it was safe to swim near Tahiti again. That's the name of the shark blockbuster. Oh, do you ever see that movie, Heather? It's so scary. Yeah, my mom wouldn't let me watch it. Heather's like, oh my God, sharks.
Starting point is 00:38:59 Isn't it hard having to wear $400 shirts? I mean, that's not bad, right? I mean, ugh. The shark's like, get out. The shark's like, I love the temperature of your vagina. Stay close to us forever. I think she's an anti-heater.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Yeah, that's a good one. What else? So, okay. So then at dinner, the other thing was that they did a pregnancy test for Lizzie. And guess what? She's not pregnant. Just like every Lizzie storyline, it ends anticlimactically.
Starting point is 00:39:33 I know. Just like every storyline, Lizzie tries really, really hard and fails. What did I say? What did I call it? Lizzie. You called her Lizzie, right? I don't know. Which would be more interesting than Lizzie.
Starting point is 00:39:40 What did I say? What did I call it? Lindsay. You called her Lindsay, right? I don't know. Which would be more interesting than Lizzie. Because then people would say, is it an N-S-E-Y or N-D-S-A-Y or N-D-S-A-Y? What is it? What is it? That would be her arc. You're a conundrum, Lizzie. You're a real conundrum, Lizzie. That would be her arc for the season.
Starting point is 00:40:01 That'd be her arc for the season. Finally, I got a banner that spells my name right and nobody's showing up at my birthday party again. This is so embarrassing. So then the next day, it's like time. The next day is actually when they go visiting the sharks and everything. And before they go, they all gather at like a bar and everything. And big news, everyone. Shannon shows up and she goes, I just had my amino acids and I am charged with energy.
Starting point is 00:40:40 Like, hey, party time. Girl got her amino acids. I mean, I have never heard like this, this is, you know it's going down. I know. And everybody's like, great. Welcome. It's going down. I'm yelling amino acids.
Starting point is 00:40:59 I'm really proud of Shannon. You know, she's gotten through all of her illnesses. She even got in a golf cart. Yeah. When she got in that golf cart, I was like, oh, no, here it comes. And she was like, oh, this is great. Look at all the people that we're passing by. Keep driving, keep driving. And when he didn't, she was totally fine with it.
Starting point is 00:41:18 Yeah, she really survived. Got over her golf cart trauma. Every time I get in a golf cart, I just think of that time. David was talking about having sake instead of coming to meet me on time. And I just thought, you're taking a shot of your mistress, David. David, David, keep driving. Keep driving. I'm going to be on hole 18 by the time we're done with this, David.
Starting point is 00:41:35 David? David, I would like you to make a list of every single vehicle you took your mistress in. That way I know never to get in that sort of car. David? David? Did you take her into a golf cart? David? Get me out of this slutmobile. Get me out of this slutmobile right now! David, did you plug your girlfriend in
Starting point is 00:41:50 like you plugged this golf cart in when you were done using it? Huh, David? Did you? Did you? Did you waste energy on that tramp? David, from now on, when you go golfing, I expect you to, instead of saying four, I expect you to yell whore, because that's what she is. You took her to the greens, didn't you, David?
Starting point is 00:42:06 David. Okay, so Shannon has taken her medicine, and what did I say? Well, you said medicine, and she only took amino acids. She took her holistic medicine. Yeah, okay. So anyway, so they're at the bar and they, you know, Megan's again saying like,
Starting point is 00:42:27 oh, she misses this. Like, she's so sad because she only gets to see like Jimmy's little kids only half the year and I don't know. And Tamara's like,
Starting point is 00:42:35 you need to have a baby. Have a baby. And it's just like, and then so then Megan's like, well, I mean, I have four. And then I love that Vicky just goes,
Starting point is 00:42:42 well, you know, they're not yours. That doesn't count. Well, that doesn't count. I mean, you got four,icky just goes, well, you know, they're not yours. That doesn't count. I mean, you got four other people's kids, you know. It's like you're going thrift shopping and you may wear a tux to prom, but you know it was worn by some dead guy.
Starting point is 00:42:54 You know, I mean, that's been basically worn by a dead guy. So enjoy prom, Megan. Enjoy it. Well, you know, it doesn't count if they don't love you, you know. So they're not yours, really. I mean, I get what she's saying because Megan, I'm not saying that stepmothers are not important and blah, blah, blah. But, I mean, she does have a point. Megan is sitting there sobbing and sobbing because she loves these kids so much.
Starting point is 00:43:17 And Vicky's like, what, you dated, what, you've been with him for three months? And she's like, yeah, Vicky, but maybe I've been with him and married for three months, but we've been together for two years. Okay, that's like huge. It's like you haven't even been in the same town as most of them. And just be quiet, Megan. Just be quiet. Stop. Stop. She's like, I really bonded
Starting point is 00:43:37 with my stepchildren when we both figured out the Fisher-Price ring tower at the same time. I didn't think I could do it on my own, but I did it with my babies. I feel so much love for them right now. At the end of the day, the husband can end up
Starting point is 00:43:54 cheating and getting another wife. But the kids cannot get another stepmother. Yes, they can, actually. Oh, damn it! Damn it! Well, they're not yours, though. I love it. Megan was just...
Starting point is 00:44:08 And then Megan starts crying and crying about... I mean, I'm trying to remember the exact quote that she said, but either way. I understand what she was saying. She does love them, and she wants to be in their lives more. But she was also being totally ridiculous. Yeah. Loving your stepkids is great. And I'm glad that she cares about being a good mother because a lot of mothers don't. Especially the third wife.
Starting point is 00:44:36 I mean, third wives are not really known for being the best stepmothers. And, you know, the other thing is that she – I think she actually missed what Vicky was trying to say. And admittedly, Vicky did not say it in the best possible way, which was, yeah, you may love them, but, like, wait until you have your own. When you have that, like, that bond that's so deep that it can never be replaced. When you actually bear a child, then you'll really know. Then you'll really, I think that's what she was trying to say. But, of course, Megan turned it into this thing that, like, I'm always being reminded about the fact that I don't have a baby.
Starting point is 00:45:08 Like, calm the fuck down, okay? There's nothing like the feeling of having something grow inside of you, then almost kill you when it's coming out. Then it finally gets out of you, you're covered in slime and poop, and then it's looking you straight in the eye and saying to you, I don't like
Starting point is 00:45:24 the man you're with, Mom. You know, there's something about that that you'll never understand, okay, Megan? You'll never understand it, Megan. You know, there's something so special about when that little face comes out of you and it sits on your chest for that first time and you look it into the, and you think, I cannot wait to take out an insurance policy on this baby. That is a special moment. You'll never know what it's like to get your children lifetime insurance right when they come out of you. I mean, there's never a feeling of safety that you'll have in your life that compares to that. You'll never know what it's like when you
Starting point is 00:46:05 rear that child and you take them to Andalas for the first time. And then ziplining in Puerto Vallarta. The first time that your child, the first time that you take your child to Lake Havasu, to the house in Lake Havasu, that is so special. I cannot wait for you to
Starting point is 00:46:22 have that, Megan. This conversation, I think we're going back and forth, but this conversation at some point turned into Brooks' cancer because Brooks was texting, who was Brooks texting? Shannon. Wait, was it Shannon? I don't remember when the
Starting point is 00:46:37 Brooks thing happened, but it was somewhere in here. One of the husbands or something was texting one of them. David? David was going out to dinner. No, that was separate, but David and Brooks were going out of them. David? David? Well, David called. No, no, no. That was separate. But David and Brooks were going out to dinner. Yeah, David's like, hey, honey, it's David.
Starting point is 00:46:51 I just wanted you to know I'm not cheating on anybody, and I'm getting your dragon necklace repaired from when you threw it at the glass water fountain in the living room. But I'm getting it repaired, and I love you, honey. I want to keep our family together. Could you just call me back and let me know what to order? She's like and I love you, honey. I want to keep our family together. Could you just call me back and let me know what to order? She's like, oh, David's going out to a boys' night. Well, doesn't that sound fun? David? David, are you going to order anything
Starting point is 00:47:12 fattening? David? David? Would you eat something more or less fattening than you would have a week after we met? David? David. David just said he would eat tortillas a week after we met. He doesn't even know me. So they're going out for an all boys night.
Starting point is 00:47:30 David, that's bread and cheese and bread and cheese, David. They're going out for a boys night to whoop it up. And then we start talking about cancer. I'm like, are we going to talk about how Brooke says cancer or how he's partying right now? Can we just side on the storyline, Vicky, and just stick with it? I don't even care what it is. Are we just going to rehab Brooks? He's gone through three rounds of chemo.
Starting point is 00:47:53 I don't know what the standard number of rounds are for chemo, but the women seem to think it's not that much to do only three rounds. So he's done three rounds of chemo, and now he's afraid he's going to die of the chemo. And I thought it was that the radiation was the riskier one i don't know i mean i'm not going to get into that but chemo when my aunt was dying of cancer it was so bad just watching her go through that and she went through a long time and you just watch people disintegrate and lose all their hair lose all of their muscle that you know they get meth face because there's nothing left in their face. Like, they're dying, you know? It's killing your cells.
Starting point is 00:48:29 That's how it works. So she went through it for so long that when my grandma got cancer a few years later, she was like, I'm just going to die. Just let me die because I don't even want to go through it. So I can understand that, not theory, but what am I trying to say? I can understand that plan of action but he's not at the point where he's He hasn't lost
Starting point is 00:48:52 any hair. Come on. He hasn't lost any more hair than he did just as a regular He's still whooping it up at Island's burger bar. Yeah. I'm not sure and this is the episode where we start seeing that no one really believes that Brooks has cancer.
Starting point is 00:49:07 And you can tell because every time they talk about Brooks's cancer, the music does not get dramatic. It's always like the silly coconut music from Survivor. Oh yeah, he's got the chemo. He's dying of cancer. You know, he's going out with the boys tonight. I just hope
Starting point is 00:49:27 he doesn't order artichoke dip because you know who loves that? Cancer. Oh, cancer loves it. It just pigs out on artichoke dip. I mean, Vicky is so obsessed with what cancer likes to eat. That cancer loves to whoop it up with white bread. It's whooping it up. You know, I'll tell
Starting point is 00:49:43 you what. Thank God cancer doesn't watch the news and it hasn't heard about this gluten-free thing yet. Because if I had to stop feeding that cancer gluten, I just don't know what I'd do. You know, it's hard to cook a piece of meat. Look at the waiter. He couldn't even do it right. Spend too much time whooping it up behind the grill instead of cooking our meat properly. We should open a cancer restaurant so we can give cancer things it likes to eat.
Starting point is 00:50:08 And then you can just go there when you don't have cancer. So anyway, the woman went off to go play with sharks and stingrays and Megan was freaking out at first, which I love. She's like, I'm not touching those. Those things will kill you, David.
Starting point is 00:50:25 David, did you want me to die here? Is this your plan? Did you invite these stingrays here, David? David, David. You know, it's really awkward listening to Vicky talk about things cancer can't eat because you know what? I can't eat anything either.
Starting point is 00:50:37 I mean, I just feel like cancer and I'll bet you anything that cancer looks better in a bathing suit than I do right now. I'm just a fat pig and I can't take it. I'm jealous of cancer. There, I said it. David, David, I almost want one of these stingrays to zap me in the chest just so I can know if anything could sting harder
Starting point is 00:50:53 than you being unfaithful. David? David. David, I saw a bunch of your affairs floating around the seat. Oh, I'm sorry. Stingrays. I like to call these Davidrays because all they do is sting you over and over and over again. Each one of them
Starting point is 00:51:10 represents my negative thought of the day. There must be 40 to 50 out here. I tried yelling at them, but they just pretended they couldn't hear me. I mean, I might as well be at home, David. David? David, this stingray only bought two bottles of wine, and we're having a full dinner party out here. David?
Starting point is 00:51:25 Oh, Shinoni Bologna. And I like when she's like, oh, Brooks. You know, I'm sick of hearing about Brooks and his cancer. There's other forms of treatment other than chemotherapy. He needs to see Dr. Moon. Look at me. Look at me. I'm doing great.
Starting point is 00:51:41 Amino acids. Amino acids. So then the pregnant test, we already talked about that. Yeah, sorry. No, no, I'm sorry. You go ahead. I was just going to talk about the pregnancy thing again because I thought it was so funny. They're like,
Starting point is 00:51:57 okay, Lizzie just doesn't want to whoop it up so she's pretending to be pregnant, but we got a test so she can whoop it up tomorrow. Stop trying to make whoop it up happen. she's pretending to be pregnant. But we got a test, so she can whoop it up tomorrow! Stop trying to make whoop it up happen. I know. Lizzie goes to the bathroom to pee on a stick, and Vicky's like, is it done yet? Can you see it? Is there a baby? Can you see the head?
Starting point is 00:52:13 Is it whooping? Does it say whoop it up? Oh, things are so easy these days. You pee on a stick. You know, the first time I did it, I had to kill a rabbit. I still feel terrible. Still feel terrible. So anyway, back to the stingrays. So they're swimming with the stingrays.
Starting point is 00:52:31 And I loved also one point, the guy is like, don't worry, they're all nice. And Vicky's like, how do you know that? You don't know them by name. I just love the idea of Vicky being like, hello, I'm Vicky, and your name is? Hello, Mr. Stingray, what's your name? Listen, it's very important to be covered out here. You know, you can sting somebody, and then boom, they turn around and sue you. And then what are you going to do, Stingray?
Starting point is 00:52:54 You need Codo insurance on your side. Stingray, you can't be swimming around here all the time. You need to get a job. You need to work in case your Stingray husband gets run over by this boat over here. And you better have an insurance policy out on your stingray husband, okay? Stingrays wouldn't be going around stinging people if they just had jobs
Starting point is 00:53:14 and stopped living off their rich stingray husbands. You know, those guys aren't stealing things. They're working at the stingray target. This is how you get into a divorce, Stingray. This is how you get into a divorce, if you spend all your husband's money. Spend all, your stingray husband's money. Stop doing that. Get a job.
Starting point is 00:53:29 Stop swimming around here. Stop yelling at Don through Megan. OK, Vicky. Like we get that you had to give Don half of your fortune and that's called feminism. OK, that's how feminism works properly. When women have to pay the money to you, then, you know, things are working right. Stop trying to kill it.. Stop trying to kill it. Just stop trying to kill it. Let it do its job
Starting point is 00:53:47 darling. Well, I also liked when Shannon got into the water and then she was interfacing with the stingrays and she was like, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Have you seen David? David. Hi.
Starting point is 00:54:03 Hi. Hi. Hi. How old are you? Don't tell me. I don't want to know. How old are you? How long do stingrays live? I'm not taking this shit from a 30-year-old. I'll tell you that much. Are you older than 30? Just tell me that. I don't even know if we can be friends right now. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:54:19 Okay, Miss 30-year-old stingray. Did you see David at a restaurant? I told him to tell me about every restaurant he went to with a Stingray. David? David? The Stingrays saw you here. These Stingrays are so muscular. I mean, how do they do it?
Starting point is 00:54:32 I mean, I just feel like a whale. Okay. Hello, Stingrays. I'm Orca. I'm the whale. Hello. Nice to meet you. Oh, that's great, Stingray.
Starting point is 00:54:38 Oh, look at that Stingray over there. Oh, look at you staying all hard and taut. Must be nice, Stingray. Tamara, all these... Tamara, all these Stingrays know about me and David's... divorce. David? Stingray? I feel like these Stingrays are mocking me.
Starting point is 00:54:53 They know about our separation, Tamara. Did you tell all these Stingrays about us, Tamara? David? Have you noticed that their tails get hard only when they're facing away from me? Why is that? Why is that? These Stingrays are being mean to me. I don't appreciate it,
Starting point is 00:55:05 Miss 30-year-old. We need to put nine of these stingrays, we need to put nine of these stingrays into a bowl. David? David? Okay, so anyway, speaking of rays,
Starting point is 00:55:17 one thing that I was surprised at is that at the end of all this, they've been in the sun all afternoon. Heather is so pale. She is, I mean, she looks like the sun all afternoon. Heather is so pale. She is. I mean, she looks like a Casper mattress. She is so pale. She is.
Starting point is 00:55:29 She is like, she must have SPF 500 on. I mean, I don't understand. I've never seen someone be so pale in Tahiti. Well, don't go on the sun. I mean, Tamara is like, oh, everyone's like, look at all the color you got. And I'm like, oh, my God, how many chemical peels can you get in one month? And then you're going to do that to your face, darling. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:50 And then they're all like hanging on the boat. Shannon's touching Tamara's boobs. They're a little spongy. Tamara's like, look at my tats, batch. Like, oh, God. All right, here's Tamara's fourth set of tits. Let's just all talk about them for another car ride to a restaurant. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:56:09 For another car ride to a restaurant. God, get a hobby. They're a little spongy. Got a tit surgery addiction. Get over it, lady. Get a hobby. Learn to knit. No, no, don't be around sharp things with those tits.
Starting point is 00:56:21 Yeah, Shannon's like, you know, her tits, they're very hard. They're very hard, stony boobs. I mean, you know, her tits, they're very hard. They're very hard, stony boobs. I mean, I've got rocks and socks, and I love them! You ever need something to do? Swing those suckers around! It's really fun trying to make them spin like helicopters and not hit each other.
Starting point is 00:56:38 Tamara can't do that. Tamara can't do that. Tamara's tits are harder than the tombstone that's over my fake grave. Here lies Shannon Bedore, a wife who was cheated on. David? David? This is... Tamara's so... Tamara's tits are so hard, David could write
Starting point is 00:56:56 in golden glitter paint, the affair was the best time I ever had in my life. I mean, they're that hard! They're that hard. So anyways, and then they stop for pizza. So then we get into the bio kid thing again, right? Is this when they're eating pizza? When they get into the bio kid,
Starting point is 00:57:12 the biological kid fight again. Oh yeah, well they're eating. And Shannon's like, ah, cheese and bread, cheese and bread. That's bread and cheese, bread and cheese. I don't need that, David.
Starting point is 00:57:20 David, stop giving me bread and cheese, bread and cheese. That was, that's my favorite song. Bread and cheese, bread and cheese. That was, that's my favorite song. Bread and cheese, bread and cheese. Shannon, that's black and yellow. No, I'm pretty sure it goes bread and cheese, bread and cheese. I listened to it a million times.
Starting point is 00:57:32 No, it's black and yellow. Don't serve me a pizza. I started bread and cheese. All right, restaurant Tahiti. Okay, Mr. Pizza Man. Okay, so what were you going to say Before I interrupt Okay well so the big thing that happened in this scene
Starting point is 00:57:49 Is that Shannon gets a call from David And then you hear like that urgency That panic in her voice What do you mean you went all in What do you mean you took it out What do you mean David Let her have it
Starting point is 00:58:04 What So of course they edited it out? What do you mean, David? David? Let her have it. David? What? So, of course, they edited it to make it sound like David was confessing some sort of affair. But instead... Yeah, like David's in jail. Or like he saw some girl on the beach outside the Chili's that he started yelling at. She had the nerve to ride on a beach. Or to walk on a beach after he had sex with her and then discarded her. How dare she?
Starting point is 00:58:24 Shannon was probably at sombrero level one, maybe one and a half. And she came back all panicked because she expressly forbids her daughters from having sleepovers, which is crazy that at like 13 they've never had a sleepover. So apparently on this sleepover...
Starting point is 00:58:40 I just don't do sleepovers, David. Whoa. David? David, we know what happens on your sleepovers, David. David. You can't control how often another family changes the vents in their air conditioner, David. You need to change those filters once a week, David. We can't control that in someone else's house. My children are not leaving this house, David.
Starting point is 00:59:01 David, get off the chandelier, David, and listen to me. No, you're not changing the light bulb, David. Get down, David. David, where's the remote control? Oh, you and listen to me. No, you're not changing the light bulb, David. Get down, David. David, where's the remote control? Oh, you think you're funny. David, it's not going down. I'm trying, honey. I'm really trying, honey.
Starting point is 00:59:14 David, if girls are coming over tonight, then here are the rules. The first one goes to sleep at 8, the next one goes to sleep at midnight, and the third one doesn't go to sleep. She just cries the whole night. That's how we do it in this house. One of us needs to stay up all night crying. And if it can't be me, it's going to be one of our kids. Okay?
Starting point is 00:59:30 It's called tradition, David. And no Gmail allowed whatsoever. So apparently, so this is what happens when if you don't let your kids ever have a sleepover their entire lives. What happens is that your kids act out and go crazy. And Shannon's kids went and TP'd the neighborhood. a sleepover their entire lives what happens is that your kids act out and go crazy and shannon's kids went and tp'd the neighborhood and then one of them possibly fractured her foot while climbing over a fence and she's the star of the basketball team so what made me laugh about this was that heather they cut to heather she's like tping a house it's kids it's silly it's funny oh shut up
Starting point is 01:00:02 heather if this was don't stop stop with this whole act of like yeah you're fine with it you're easy going you would be the first one to freak out if your house got tp'd or if your kids tp'd someone's house don't even act like it's silly it's funny you wouldn't let your husband have an onion ring at his party you freaked out when a bow broke someone ate the fondant bow on your cake. Okay. Don't act like you are cool with kids TPing the neighborhood. Cause you are not,
Starting point is 01:00:30 your carport will be TPed someday and you're going to sue everyone. I know she turned Colette into a fucking change purse. If she did that, she's like, Colette's misbehaving again. And then they show Colette and she's like, Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my holla herald a brilliant scholarship
Starting point is 01:00:50 student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make the list bishop gray's all coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the
Starting point is 01:01:32 Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this
Starting point is 01:02:14 show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Starting point is 01:02:31 Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Just sitting there. It's like, wow. Seems terrible. Seems terrible. Yeah, and Heather, I think also Heather just thinks it's cute that people still have TP. She's like, wow, look at all these
Starting point is 01:02:55 poor people with their, you know, look at how cute it is for Shannon to let her children use poor people paper to wipe their butt. Because you know she's got one of those $20,000 toilets that like sprays you blow dries you waxes you bleaches your corn hole she probably has a colostomy bag set up so it just sucks right out of her and she gets back on with her life yeah her ass doesn't even get dirty i know that's um my great invention that i wanted to take on shark tank it looks like a photo booth you know where people go in and take
Starting point is 01:03:24 their photos and stuff for fun at parties, except it's where you go and a hose goes up your butt and then it takes out everything you just ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Do you know how rich I would be? Oh, that's good. I like that. If I could just figure it out, Ben.
Starting point is 01:03:37 All right, I'm thinking about it. So then it's time to go out and the women sort of split up. Megan, Lizzie, and Heather go off to have a boring dinner and drinks. And then Vicky, Megan, and Shannon get drunk, and then they get into a golf cart. No, Vicky, Tamara, and Shannon. God, you're turning into me. What did I say?
Starting point is 01:04:00 Vicky, Megan, and Shannon. That would not have been fun. They put all the boring people in one. Vicky's like, oh, we're just going to stay home. We're so tired. You guys have fun. Okay, let's whoop it up. They're gone.
Starting point is 01:04:11 Is there a nightclub around here? Where's Andalus? Let's bring it on. Let's do this. Whoop, there it is. Okay, so they get it. I'm wearing golden plastic pants. I'm ready to do this.
Starting point is 01:04:22 Oh, look at these shorts. They're gold. Oh, God, I'm going to get sick from these. I just know it. Oh, I just took a big hit of amino acids, so I'm seeing a lot of things. So here's the thing. They're, like, drunk.
Starting point is 01:04:33 Vicky's, like, driving her golf cart. Is it me, or is that, like, wildly irresponsible, especially for someone who runs insurance? So not only does she drive the golf cart drunk, but she drives it into the restaurant. She actually drives it up to the host stand, which to me seemed pretty awful. Yeah, she's just such white trash.
Starting point is 01:04:58 She's so proud of being trashy. I know, and they're like, this ramp's going to break, Vicky. She's like, oh, I hope the ramp has insurance. Yeah, let's whoop it up over the ramp's insurance policy. Listen, you know, ramp're like this ramp's gonna break vicky and she's like oh i hope the ramp has insurance yeah let's hoop it up over the ramps insurance policy listen you know ramps learn the hard way just like everybody else i offered this ramp insurance and it just it just sat there so you know what it gets what it gets ramp karma so then they're in this really nice hotel restaurant bar it's the sophie tell first thing they do is order fireball shots.
Starting point is 01:05:26 I mean, again, I mean, this is so trashy. And the waiter's like, I'm sorry, I don't know what fireball. She's like, you know, like shots, you know, fireball. Fireball, he's like, my English is not good. You have fireballs? You got fire? It's like a fire, you know, hot fireball.
Starting point is 01:05:43 A fireball, bring three. It's like whooping it up in your mouth. You know, fireball. He's like, I, you know, hot fire ball. A fire ball. Bring three. It's like whooping it up in your mouth. You know, fire ball. He's like, I don't know English. And she's like, fire ball. Fire ball. He's not deaf for Christ's sake, lady. He doesn't know what we're talking about.
Starting point is 01:05:57 So he just brings him vodka. And then Shannon's like, oh, he brought us vodka on ice with a lemon on it. That's not a fire ball. That's vodka with lemon. Don't worry. I'm not upset about it. I've gotten used to disappointments like this because I live with David, and he never listens to anything that I say.
Starting point is 01:06:14 You don't know how many times I've asked him for fireballs, and he brings me just a glass of water. So this is actually an improvement, David. David, you could learn something. David, David. I like in the other place where Vicky was like, Oh, hey there, buddy. You got any cervezas?
Starting point is 01:06:26 Oh, I forget. We're not in Mexico. Okay. Just bring me a beer all of that. And she's talking to a white guy who owns a restaurant. It's like some tourist who bought a place there. He's already had an entire conversation with him in English. And she's like, oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:40 Hola. Hola, senor. Do you have a cerveza, por favor? Oh, yeah. Hola, senor. Do you have a cerveza, por favor? It's like every time people go on the Amazing Race, anytime anyone's in a foreign country,
Starting point is 01:06:53 and they get into a car, and it was like, Andale, Andale, Andale. And they're like in Bulgaria. Totally. Everybody's Spanish. So then, yeah. So the girls are partying. The old girls are partying. And then the boring, lame ones are like, so what do you guys think about Megan fighting with everybody?
Starting point is 01:07:11 And then Heather's like, listen up, Megan, here's how it works, okay? Tamara has been in a custody battle. Her child is going on Facebook and calling her a terrible whore of a mother. You're never going to win with her. I know. And then, but then, then it cuts to the fun women doing like the 10th shot of the night.
Starting point is 01:07:33 And they're talking about the situation with Megan and what she was saying. And Vicky's like, you know, Megan's step kids, they have mothers, they have mothers. I'm like, oh,
Starting point is 01:07:41 that's so awkward. Yeah. It's really, really awkward. Yeah. and vicky talking about parenting is kind of hilarious yeah i know but then um then they were trying to you could see the fun girls were trying so desperately to like come up with a good reason to hate on heather again you know that they're like we're annoyed heather hasn't given us an in this season so now they're the big thing that they're talking about is that um heather is uh apparently really good
Starting point is 01:08:11 friends with jim's ex and they're like they're like they think it's strange that heather being such a good friend with jim's ex is is cool with megan and hanging out with megan and shannon's the one who's most mad she's like does the ex know that heather is hanging out with Megan. And Shannon's the one who's most mad. She's like, does the ex know that Heather is hanging out with Megan? Megan? Because girl code, you know, if this girl knew girl code, girls stick together. First of all, no, they don't.
Starting point is 01:08:35 You're on a Real Housewives show. You already know that that's bullshit. That has never happened in history or women. There's no such thing as girl code. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, well, I don't know if Heather is hanging out. If Heather is hanging out with wife number three instead of wife number two, I don't know if I can be friends with her.
Starting point is 01:08:51 Because that almost happened to me. Listen, no, it didn't. Everybody's situation is different. One affair is not the same as another. One marriage breaking up is not the same as yours. You can't go around, like, resenting everybody else's happy marriage because yours, you know, it's like, come on. And we don't know if Jim's ex, you know, ex number two, we don't know what she thinks about Megan. She might be cool with it.
Starting point is 01:09:16 So, like, it's a lot. I actually think when the parents are cool enough and realize that it's not just a lifelong battle in front of their children. Because someone like Shannon battles in front of their children because someone like shannon battles in front of her children she drags them on national tv she mortifies them these little kids have to go to school and all shannon does is berate her husband bring him on national tv to berate him more and i'm not saying like the guy was justified in what he did obviously not but to put your kids through that is just really gross and then to be acting like you're the one who knows girl code when you're mortifying your
Starting point is 01:09:51 entire family and your husband who's supposed to be your best friend every week and then judging somebody else for being cool with their wives for the kids sake or the ex-wives for the kids sake come on lady like you need to rethink. Yeah, no, I agree exactly. Shannon does not know anything about girl code. Speaking of girl code, I don't know where this falls in the realm of girl code, but at one point, they're drunk enough where they're all, Vicky's like, Tamra, are we friends again?
Starting point is 01:10:18 Are we friends again? Whatever. And then they go in to kiss each other, and then Tamra licked Vicky's face. It was so was so upsetting. Because Vicky, every time Vicky is drunk or sobbing, she's like, wait a minute Tamara, you're going to still be nice to me tomorrow. For reals this time?
Starting point is 01:10:35 Whoop it up? Whoop it up if it's for reals. Are you just going to turn into a bitch again? Of course she's going to turn into a bitch again. She needs to keep this job. So far this season, she's done nothing but be a fake Christian and then have new fake boobs. She has to do something. Someone's about to get it.
Starting point is 01:10:52 That being said, it was really funny watching them get all shit-faced. And I loved when, at one point, Vicky's phone rang and the ringtone came on and they just all started dancing to it. That actually cracked me up. And thenra took a shot and she couldn't do it so she like spat it out which was funny until they cut to her and she
Starting point is 01:11:10 had a full-on like drool coming out of her mouth did you see that oh no big long spittle just dangling down it was so nasty i liked it absolutely nothing really happens on this show, especially this season. Nothing is really happening, but I'm really enjoying watching it every time. Even though part of me feels so awkward because they feel like they're really awkward around each other. You know, like people are kind of annoyed with Shannon because she's just such a basket case. And then everybody's afraid of Tamara because she's so mean. And then Vicky's mom died. And then Lizzie's just like a basket ace. And then everybody's afraid of Tamra, because she's so mean. And then Vicky's mom died,
Starting point is 01:11:47 and then Lizzie's just painful. Chocolate syrup wouldn't even want to go on her. It'd be like, that bitch, she's boring. It would go somewhere else. It would look like the shoe in Roger Rabbit, when the guy, the judge, is putting it in the vat of dip, and the shoe's like,
Starting point is 01:12:02 like trying everything. Yeah, exactly. And then eventually it getsat of dip and she was like trying everything yeah exactly and then eventually gets put on i was like no i'm melting of boringness please don't do this but you know heather's gotta stick up her ass and then who's left and megan is just a phony trying to start fights with people for no reason and make your storyline about giving a shit about some 16 year old who's leaving the house in a year anyway yeah i uh uh i do have to say this though i will never swim in a sofotel pool ever again in my life not that i ever really have just because they were maybe the water transfers yeah i think so like you know they i hope they sanitize
Starting point is 01:12:37 that pool and also they like are spilling drinks in there there's probably like shards of broken glass everywhere and don't forget the sofotel is also the same place where there was a pool party on Vanderpump rules where Jax and his crew were hanging out. So I don't know. I'm backing away from the Sofitel. Backing away. Yeah. Those hotels are why in Hollywood, there's those billboards everywhere that says syphilis is real.
Starting point is 01:12:58 And it's like blurry. So you look at it and you're like, wait, do I have syphilis? And you're like, no, it's just blurry. Damn it.
Starting point is 01:13:05 Wait, did I go into a So sofa tell pool that Jax was in? Okay, no, never mind. Everybody comes back from Bora Bora with syphilis. They're like, wait a second, is that slime fuzzy? Dr. Moon. Dr. Moon. Dr. Moon, I think I can't tell. Is this just because I haven't taken my amino acids today or do I have syphilis?
Starting point is 01:13:22 David? Dr. Moon? David? Megan? Megan? David? Dr. Moon? David? Megan? Megan? David? Dr. Moon? Megan? So, Shannon,
Starting point is 01:13:30 my friendship with Tamara is back on track. Okay, I love that, because she's like, oh, you know, the first time I had fun was with Tamara when we were in my kitchen wasted. And now, here we are somewhere else and we're wasted. And, you know what? It works. It's fine.
Starting point is 01:13:45 This is the Tamarai I love. Yeah, the wasted one. That's why drunk people always have fun together and people in rehab don't. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly, Shannon and your... It's not Christ helping. Yeah. It's Gregos.
Starting point is 01:14:02 I think that's it, right? Yes, that is it. So let's move on to Married to Medicine, another show where nothing is going on, but unlike Real Housewives of Orange County, it is not interesting at all. This is not cute,
Starting point is 01:14:19 this show. This show has so much going for it. I don't know why it's so bad, but I can't. It lost its way. It lost its way after season one. But we will pull through. We will soldier through this.
Starting point is 01:14:33 We will soldier. He's a fighter. Oh, it's from Big Brother. Sorry. Call back to the bonus. He's a fighter. So the first thing first is Quad. This is shocking.
Starting point is 01:14:42 The first thing first is Quad. This is shocking. BCBG actually invited Quad to go to Los Angeles to be, I don't know, an example of a lady who wears their clothes. I don't know. So I was actually shocked about that. I was like, oh, this is going to make Quad even more annoying. She's going to think that she's a fashionista now. If it's even possible for her to get more annoying. BCGB, did they come out with a line for like i don't know walmart yeah i kept on feeling like it was some
Starting point is 01:15:12 awful practical joke like it was one of those movies like i thought it was like you know trading uh trading places or something like that where there's some rich person who hires some wannabe from wherever, and is just entertaining, has them come into their life, and then all these highfalutin people are just laughing at this clown. Yeah, well, her actual suit, she was wearing the most unflattering thing. I was like, did they take her measurements before they put her in this? It's like fire engine red. most unflattering thing i was like did they take her measurements before they put her in this it's it's like fire engine red then she's got these big like shoulder pad things that just make her
Starting point is 01:15:53 look wider she already looks like a quarterback why would you put those things on her and it that was not cute so i don't know what they're doing over there but yeah i don't know but before we get to that uh lisa nicole's lisa nicole her uh kid her son is planning a birthday party now i have to admit i did think this scene was very cute when her son was like was trying to figure out his party and then his sister was like writing down everything and she's like okay what games you're gonna have and he's like um and she's like come on now and he's like well i was gonna let you choose two but now i'm only gonna let you choose one because you're being bossy she's like to have? And he's like, um... And she's like, come on now. And he's like, well, I was going to let you choose two, but now I'm only going to let you choose one because you're being bossy.
Starting point is 01:16:27 She's like, well, hurry up. And he's like, okay, now you do none. She's like, I'm doing two. He's like, fine. I was like, wow, this scene has more drama than the entire series. They negotiate like their parents do. Lisa Nicole's like, one more time, Darren.
Starting point is 01:16:42 One more, okay, it's okay. It's okay, I still love you. We'll work on it. We'll work on it, Darren. One more time. Okay. Okay, Darren. That was her bad. That was the stripper's bad. She lied. She lied while I was eating sushi. Ooh, who does that? I'm gonna sue the strippers.
Starting point is 01:16:58 My favorite part of this, when I just like Lisa Nicole being like, my life is being around my kids. I'm like, yeah, because they're the only people who think you fucking talk normal. It's like the only place you can fit in in a conversation. They're the only ones who put the hangers the right way. And one of the kids, she's like, okay, let's erase it. And someone said, let's erase daddy.
Starting point is 01:17:16 I was like, oh. This is so awkward. And then meanwhile, Jackie. So then this part, we learn thatie's dad has alzheimer's which is very sad and i start to think you know this kind of irks me because this whole season jackie has made um fit is the new it her thing like her mission is about fat shaming and getting people in shape i'm like you know you have actually a platform here and you you obviously want to use this as a platform i should say say. And you're going on and on about, wait,
Starting point is 01:17:46 like, how could you not be using this as a platform to, like, raise awareness about, not awareness, but, you know, talk about Alzheimer's. This is such a real thing. Because Jackie means, you know, Jackie, I think, is a little hard. And I think that she needs love. And I think the reason she does this show
Starting point is 01:18:05 is to kind of get love that maybe she's lacking and look let's just be honest if you're doing a diet program fat people lose weight and then you can show their picture after and then they love you more you do something for an Alzheimer's patient he ain't gonna remember tomorrow
Starting point is 01:18:20 I mean what's the point so it's so sad watching that happen because that is a harsh one to deal with when you're you know loved one doesn't even know who you are and stuff like that that's so sad and then they got into the discussion of pulling the plug and who makes that decision and uh i think that's an interesting conversation because we're having that right now uh in my family cast no i'm just gonna go sorry we're having that discussion an interesting conversation because we're having that right now in my family. No, I'm just kidding. Sorry.
Starting point is 01:18:47 We're having that discussion in my family because my grandpa has been so sick and he just lost a leg and he's about to lose the other leg. And we were talking about how – well, of course, with my mom. He was like, that's where I get my horribleness from. So we were just talking alone. But my mom is like, oh, God, just put me down. I mean, if they take both my legs and one of you kids has to lift me out of the toilet, it's time to just inject me with
Starting point is 01:19:12 something. And I'm telling you, you have permission right now to do it. And I was like, thank you. Can you put that in writing? Because that might come in handy. But it is an interesting conversation because we've been talking about healthcare so much in this country. And when people are on the government dime, like, how much do they get?
Starting point is 01:19:33 Like, when do you say, okay, now you just died? Like, you've got two legs and now you have Alzheimer's and now you're pooping. Like, when do you just say, it's done? I mean, I just, I want to be done, you know? Yeah, no, I know. I actually don't even like to think about it. I don't either. Because it's like, it's too awful. But I mean, it's,, I know. I actually don't even like to think about it. I don't either. It's like, it's too awful. But I mean, it's, but I appreciate watching that on the show.
Starting point is 01:19:49 And that's the thing. It's like her whole fit is the new it storyline. It feels fabricated. It's not interesting. There's, it's just, it's this, it's a contrivance for the show. And this is something that's real. And it's not saying that every scene has to be a downer, but you would think that she would want to be maybe like exploring research about it or like i don't know going on
Starting point is 01:20:09 this journey the way much the way simone is going on a journey with her dad you know i just feel like it's a lost opportunity for something interesting in the show it's interesting how a show that really has so little going for it can get us talking about stuff like this because simone to me my opinion is so different of her i think it's so wrong of her to i mean a i mean i'm totally being a hypocrite so i'm admitting that right now but like talking about her father's issue in the first place then talking about it the whole season and how he can never be there for her or the children. And now she's going to bring his alcoholic ass on TV. Why? Let it, like, let the man just be drunk in his house.
Starting point is 01:20:52 I think there's, like, some exploitation there. And I don't know. I don't like that. Well, I think that if he's put her through hell like that, then I think she's entitled to, like, the ultimate dick move of selling him and embarrassing him on TV. I do, too. title to like the ultimate ultimate dick move i do too like she's being so sensitive and this is all about the family tree project and the kids i think it is i i actually i believe that stuff is i think it's i don't think she's being underhanded i think that this is i think that's like a real thing that she's going through and she's grappling with it and she may not be making the right
Starting point is 01:21:22 decisions but it's that's what makes it interesting uh but you know watching jackie yell at people in a megaphone while they carry drugs of water you know 50 feet in a forest is like not that interesting to me you know meanwhile other things that are not interesting to me are quad packing for la and talking to her dogs like they're human now i understand dog owners do that and cat owners and pet owners in general but she like what i i hate when what she does is she says she's like she's like all right don't get in my suitcase don't get in my suitcase and the dogs get in she's like uh i thought we talked about this so i'm like oh there's one thing i have to say don't get in my suitcase i get it but like she talks as if she was talking to you know like mariah or something i do that i get i i have like boyfriend fights with bueller on the street well i i understand if you were like oh why are you
Starting point is 01:22:14 diving into the pea grass again i've already told you not to do it every fucking time you do it well i understand i understand that like i understand that that's i understand having those conversations with pet but the way quad does it is she's like really... She's talking to them. She's not pet talking to them. She's actually maintaining a conversation and perhaps hearing things back. Well, at least she hasn't accused one of them of abuse yet. Because that's Quad's next storyline.
Starting point is 01:22:42 Because she's going to be refusing to talk to anybody by the end of the season her next story is going to be you know like one of her dogs you know splashing water on her when she was trying to have a drink or something yeah well then so what i love this with that quad invited jill and simone to la and then toya was was upset about this and toya was talking to someone about it. And she's like... She thinks that Quad not inviting her to LA is real petty-like. Eugene will invite me to LA. He's not real petty-like.
Starting point is 01:23:16 Stupid Toya. I love that Toya's shocked that she's not inviting. I thought I was cool with the Quads. I'm like, no. My favorite song is by the Quad City DJs. Doesn't that count for anything? She's been real Patty-like. What I should have did was just hide in the suitcase like the dogs.
Starting point is 01:23:34 Quad's entire beef this season is somebody following her around, and you're putting hidden cameras in your house to catch your husband doing something wrong. There's no way you're ever going to be friends with Quad. Just drop it. Yeah, absolutely not. I wanted to go to L.A. Everybody rents basketball stars houses there. Nobody make fun of me over
Starting point is 01:23:54 there. I heard they have a lot of ambulances there. I have came here to this airport so I can go to L.A., but you're not letting me go, and that's real petty-like, okay? So they go to LA, but you're not letting me go and that's real petty like, okay? So they go to LA with Jill, who I'm still not really understanding her point.
Starting point is 01:24:11 Jill? Jill and Simone and Quad. Sorry. Don't talk like that. I'm being annoying. I wish you could make a sound effect for her blinking because she's like she's a blinker she's actually the one who does the cereal theme song
Starting point is 01:24:30 did you or did you not accuse me of making a stripper come interrupt your sushi dinner to announce to the entire strip club that your husband is here all the time! Bling bling bling bling bling bling. I also like that when Quad was going to LA at some point in the area, she said she's like, oh honey, everything I touch turns to gold. I'm like, picture perfect
Starting point is 01:25:01 pup. Is that gold? Is that one of the gold things that we're talking about? Because I don't see that really taking off anytime soon. Maybe the everything you touch is mortified and no longer moves, like the Midas touch when he touches it and kills everybody. Doesn't he kill his own daughter or something? He kills everything. He kills his own daughter into gold.
Starting point is 01:25:22 Yeah. And Quad's like, sometimes I ask myself, what's the point of gold? I think she has to realize that everything she touches does not turn into gold. It just turns into Hanukkah money. Just chintzy on the outside and melty on the inside.
Starting point is 01:25:38 Yes. Is that just gold coins? Yeah. It's the chocolate coins covered in... I love those. I know. Well, of course, they're the best. But they're not real gold. Quad... Hold on.
Starting point is 01:25:51 I wrote a couple quad quotes down. Everything's a little bit out of order for me. They go over to the mansion of the BCGB lady or whatever. Oh, wait. You're way ahead. Oh, okay. Okay. So I'll save them because those come later. Okay. Alzheimer's dad. No, no, okay. So I'll save them, because those come later.
Starting point is 01:26:05 Okay, Alzheimer's dad. No, no, no. We don't have to talk about Alzheimer's dad anymore. Just kidding. I forgot we did that, but I liked Quad's hashtag. She's like, this trip, I left all the negativity vibes behind me. We are not going to have a negativity nativity party, okay? This is a real party. Hashtag no drama, fun time, celebrate, quiet money, honey.
Starting point is 01:26:33 That is not a hashtag. Me and Michelle the daffodil has it, honey. You can't make your hashtag longer than Twitter. Yeah, I know. She's like, it's a 180-word hashtag. Meanwhile, Lisa Nicole had this birthday party for her son. And you know what was funny? I was expecting it to be a really annoying birthday party
Starting point is 01:26:54 because they showed scenes from last year when there was a chariot and a horse around a carriage and all this ridiculousness. This time it was actually a very sweet, normal bunch of kids making pizza. And then they played musical chairs. And Lisa pulled the chair out from under Heavenly. And Heavenly, like, just fell to the ground. And you know she was like, yeah, I know I know why she has all these charges against her. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:27:17 I'd sue her too, but then she'd have two court cases against her. Now I know why her husband has all the strippers. Love her. She sort of sounds like a chicken. Anyway, not that chickens don't sound like that. I like that Lisa Nicole has just chilled and she'll have a normal party for her kids. And I liked all the normal games like that whole pin the tail on the stripper who accused her daddy
Starting point is 01:27:48 of eating sushi in the strip club. She's like you will stand here Divine. You will stand here and you will get tails pinned on you and tell you take it back. Throw the glass of water on the stripper. That's her game for the kids. I was just trying to give her a bath.
Starting point is 01:28:09 So then, of course, it's the kids' birthday party, which means now it's time to talk about how the mom is beating people up at restaurants. And Lisa Nicole's like, listen, I don't know what you heard from the waitress at Applebee's, but what really happened is that, yes, I did throw water
Starting point is 01:28:25 but then Quad came up and she poked me in the forehead and then she got physical first. And they did not show the clip but no. No, I did not do that. No, that never happened. Say what you will about Quad. This was 100% Lisa Nicole's fault. Yeah, say what you will about Quad
Starting point is 01:28:42 but she knows how to sue a bitch. She knows what she can do and what she can't do and what knows how to sue a bitch okay she knows what she can do and what she can't do and what's going to happen in a court of law and she did not poke you in the head nothing like that ever happened stupid stop lying yeah just stupid um so then speaking of quad we then saw this photo shoot that you were mentioning before she's she's getting this uh she's doing this bcbg photo shoot there's this like, I forget what her role is at BCBG, but Luba is overseeing it. She's effortlessly glamorous. She's got, like, a thing on her shoulders.
Starting point is 01:29:14 She's actually just, like, amazingly wonderful. Like, just love her, you know? And she's the sort of woman who walks around with her hands clasped. Just doing wonderfully. Just doing wonderfully, darling. And Quad is doing this photo shoot, and this was like the most stereotypical gay entourage
Starting point is 01:29:32 because they were all just sitting there being gorgeous. That's gorgeous. You look gorgeous, girl. You look gorgeous. You're so gorgeous. Everyone who shots at BCJB is going to want to look like a football player with a weave after this comes out. Everyone who shots at BC Tampa is gonna want to look like a football player with a wave after this comes out.
Starting point is 01:29:48 Everyone. This is just, this is just, this is wonderful. And of course, Quad's like, I am like a 24-hour diner, always serving the people. She's like, I'm a 24-hour diner. I put an omelet on your plate, a smile on your face, and
Starting point is 01:30:04 sometimes you try and take a mint on the way out, and I say, no! I am like a red box machine. Push some buttons and I'll give you a show. Oh, so now it's time for my quad thing. She's like, I love L.A., honey, because
Starting point is 01:30:22 L.A. stands for absolutely wonderful. I love it here. This is my lifestyle. Of course you love the lifestyle. Everybody's dripping with money. There's a chandelier hanging from the ceiling that comes all the way down to the floor. Of course you love it.
Starting point is 01:30:38 And she goes, it's been hard for me. I've faced some obstacles, especially with friends. I was like, can you learn one goddamn word in your sentence? Please. She's like, I want to get to the same level as this woman. I'm like, you need to know English first, okay?
Starting point is 01:30:56 No one is going to hand you millions of dollars and trust you with a business when you can't say especially. Nobody. That being said, by the way, Luba's house is one of the most amazing houses we've seen on Bravo because we see a lot of mansions. You know, all the real houses at Beverly Hills and Million Dollar Listing, etc. But this one was actually
Starting point is 01:31:16 a not tacky, gaudy, crazy mansion trying to look like a Tuscan villa. This one was beautiful. I was like, even I was like, holy shit. And you know, you gotta hand it to Quad, because she's like, alright, we a lot of rich girls, she's wealthy.
Starting point is 01:31:34 Like, we're rich, she's wealthy. I was like, yeah, it's true. At least she recognizes that. At least she wasn't, you know, thinking that her McMansion was like on the same level. Yeah. But I love that she inspires to get it one day. Oh, lord quack. She said inspires to get it.
Starting point is 01:31:50 Yes. She's like, I inspired it. What did she say? I don't know. That was the only thing in the quote. I inspire to have this wealth. Oh, you keep inspiring. Yeah. What I thought was actually really weird was that they get there.
Starting point is 01:32:06 Luba gives them a tour, you know, and they're looking at all these amazing rooms. And then Luba brings them into this like salon where there's just all these like fashionable, fashionable, hip people sitting there drinking martinis and stuff. And I was like, this is so bizarre. It's like she just has a room dedicated for a party that's ongoing or something you know yeah like they're they're in the waiting room i haven't told them what they're waiting for yet but they'll be there if we need them okay i love it honey yeah but it was um i actually it was actually a very cool scene uh i loved like simone and just sort of taking it all in everything you know someone was, I was not expecting this on this trip, you know? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:32:48 I really loved how they do this party and then that interspersed with them showing off their fancy hotel room at the Best Western. No, they were at the Andaz. They were at the Andaz across the street. Because I was kind of watching it and then they
Starting point is 01:33:03 showed an outside shot and I was like, please tell me they're not staying in a Best Western right now and acting like it's so fancy. She's like, look, it's not just breakfast in the morning. It's continental! Oh, Lord. It's continental. It only lasts until 10 a.m.
Starting point is 01:33:23 because wealthy people go out and have jobs Meanwhile Toya's back in Atlanta Looking at Instagram like Eugene look they got a continental breakfast I can't believe we didn't get invited It's so petty like I should have came there anyway Get in the ambulance
Starting point is 01:33:39 They think LA is so great I don't see a plaid shirt Filled with sausage links from Costco great, I don't see a plaid shirt filled with sausage links from Costco, Eugene. Eugene, I don't see any sort of scarecrow made of sausage over there. What I should have did was take the whole spread and go out into Beverly Hills and put a sausage scarecrow in the middle of the street and take a picture and put it on Instagram. And I'd be like, who's petty like now? Okay, Eugene? like now okay okay so then we get for then we get to the best part which of course is at the end and it's just a stupid fight because there's nothing real to fight about anymore they're just
Starting point is 01:34:15 so made up and jill's like guys guys guys i'm gonna have a prohibition party and they're like what and she's like yeah we're gonna prohibit violence against women like every other party does it like unlike all the other parties where people just you know invite you to come over and beat the shit out of whatever woman happens to be standing around we're gonna prohibit violence against
Starting point is 01:34:40 women we're gonna prohibit um putting uh putting toys in packages that are hard to open without scissors because i mean what's the point and we're gonna prohibit people from copying vhs tapes we're gonna we're gonna put an fbi warning on the front it's gonna be great she's gonna fix everything i love also how she so loosely fits the theme to her charitable causes. She's like prohibiting. I'm surprised she wasn't like,
Starting point is 01:35:08 we're going to, guys, we're going to have a roaring twenties party. Cause I am woman. Hear me roar against defamation against women. Hear me roar against bad body types. Guys, we're all going to dress as flappers because if someone tries to put us down, someone tries to have a bad woman body type thing, we're just going to flap at them and be like, no, we're flapping against it, guys.
Starting point is 01:35:42 Nothing will stop violence against women like a well-timed box step, guys. Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. well-timed box step, guys. Blink, blink. Blink, blink, blink. Guys, we are going to have a speakeasy theme party because we're going to speak hard against issues like shaming body types. Guys. Guys, I want you to come.
Starting point is 01:35:57 Quack. Violence against women? Well, only if it's done by men because Lisa Nicole perpetrated violence on me. Actually, the real quote, when Jules said that she was inviting everyone, Quad says, you're putting me in a cumbersome situation is what you're doing right now. What?
Starting point is 01:36:16 Oh, my God. This situation is so cumbersome. Like, it is taking forever to get through it. Quad, she wants a hazy situation. Don't put a baby in a cul-de-sac, honey! Me and Jill the daffodil!
Starting point is 01:36:34 Me and Michelle the daffodil has it, honey. Me and Michelle the daffodil has it, honey. That's so good. So this, we talked about this a little last week, but this fight is so funny because she's like, oh, you all, well, only we all is you all here.
Starting point is 01:36:55 I'm like, wow, Quad, you're really stretching it there. And Jill's like, yes, all of us and all of the girls who are also not here. And Quad's like, yeah, because they aren't here because all of us is all of us. Who's here? In the cul-de-sac of cumbersome. Jill's like, I don't know. I don't know what that meant, but everybody's invited.
Starting point is 01:37:17 It is a prohibition party, and I prohibit you from inviting anyone else to the prohibition-ission daffodil cumbersome party. How you gonna have a party about violence against women when I still feel water on my face? She's like, you have squeezed this tangerine way too many times and now it's time for you to go to the horse race.
Starting point is 01:37:42 What? I just am inviting you to a party. Oh no, you threw that box out the window a long time ago during to the horse race. What? I guess I'm inviting you to a party. Oh no, you threw that box out the window a long time ago during that thunderstorm, honey. What? I lick my thumb, stick it in the air, and I can feel that the toaster is on in the kitchen. The domino fell one too
Starting point is 01:37:58 many times while the peacock was walking, alright? What goes up must come up even more than possibly fly away when you never see it again honey. There's a porcupine in that refrigerator and it's saying help me get under the roller coaster. I inspire to have that on a BCGB shirt tee. I call my shirt tee the applesauce grandmother look. Because you know why.
Starting point is 01:38:29 And I will prohibit you at the prohibition party from explaining to anyone the reasons. Anyway, actually what Quad really said was the reason why she can't go to this party is it's way too early for me to be in an environment where I could be somewhere that someone could pick up a glass twice and throw it at me. I can't. I won't. So I don't. Way to take a stand there, Quad, against being in a place where someone could pick up a glass and throw it at you. Twice. Twice.
Starting point is 01:38:59 I'm surprised you got close to that chandelier. Lisa Nicole's like, I've already thrown a glass at her do you have a picture i can't i won't so i don't but the best part but the funny part about this is not so much quad saying i don't i'm not gonna go to a party where lisa nicole is okay because that actually makes sense if if uh if jill's saying i'm inviting everyone and quad says well you know what i'm sorry i'm not gonna go because i don't want to see Lisa Nicole. That, I don't take that from her.
Starting point is 01:39:26 But what I don't understand is that Jill said about five different times, like, basically, if it's going to be an issue, I won't invite her, I'll invite you. And Quad's like, no! I won't, so I don't, so I can't, so I shan't,
Starting point is 01:39:43 but I couldn't, and I won't. And then Jill's like, i'm saying i would choose you over her she was she was doing the serial woman she was doing it i choose you over her well in that case i just cannot go if she's going to be there. But she's not. I choose you, Quad. And she's like, okay, well, in that case, I definitely can't be there. Because if she's definitely going to be there, I definitely can't be there. No, she's not invited. Well, if she's invited, then you count me out. It's like, stop. So funny.
Starting point is 01:40:18 And Jill's going so nuts. You know, her eyes are bulging extra, like, more than usual. And Quad's like, are you okay? Why are you raising your voice? than usual and quad's like are you okay why are you raising your voice i'm like oh don't gaslight her don't gaslight her so good because quad got her crazy calm thing and she's like all i'm saying to you as calmly as humanly possible is i will not be going to your pro-inhabitation party when I can't inhabitate with a woman who has thrown acid in my face and then punched me and slashed me open
Starting point is 01:40:54 like a fish in a tank. Jill. She's like, what? What does that even mean? What are you saying? Jill, how many times do I have to remind you? Me and Jill is the daffodil Has it baby You know what happens to daffodils right
Starting point is 01:41:13 They die You know what happens to daffodils right They get into the pig's mouth That's going to the Oscars right What I don't even understand pig's mouth that's going to the Oscars, right? What? What? I don't even understand you, Quad.
Starting point is 01:41:31 I cannot be in an ark filled with two kinds of animals, five kinds of vodka, and one kind of crazy. What? What does that even mean? Are you going to call me not? Jill, there's a cactus in the trolley and it's heading to Minnesota. If you know what I'm saying.
Starting point is 01:41:48 No! I have no idea, quad! Jill, there's some cutlery at Macy's and it's being shipped to the shoe store. So you better get on the horse because it's heading to paris i cannot go to a party when there is a dillard's 40 off original price sale and there are so many prices scratched off those tags i can't tell what the original price is what does that mean? Are you coming or not? Stop yelling, Jill. Stop yelling. Jill, Jill, let me put it to you clearly, Jill, all right? I'm Super Mario Brothers, and you're yogurt, all right?
Starting point is 01:42:36 And we're all, we're all going to the bowling alley. Mario does a lot of things, but spending time with yogurt is not one of them. That's why there's Mario Land and Yogurt Land. But what about Yogurt Planet? Stop yelling
Starting point is 01:43:00 and change the subject, Jill. Jill? Jill? I got a spoon and I'm putting my fro-yo, and I'm selling your fro-yo to go to the opera. I'm opening up a letter, Jill, and inside it is a rainbow, and it's wrapped around me. So take your prohibition and put it in the limousine. I will not be the crumbled Oreo on top of your yoga planet Sunday, Jill, with grasses greener and the cows come home. Do you understand what I'm saying, Jill? No! Jill, you got a hand blender in your hand.
Starting point is 01:43:44 And I'm telling you right now It's not gonna work when it rains What? Is it supposed to rain? Oh it's raining honey And it's raining sneakers And jelly beans Alright Jill
Starting point is 01:43:58 How are we supposed to line dance in the backyard? Blink blink Blink blink Oh my god I'm like looking in front i'm looking frantically around my apartment for objects and things oh my god my uh landlady has been passing my door over and over again just like should i tell them to shut up i've already made sure that sounds like a quad thing jill you're standing in the doorway and the landlady is walking by What? Are you coming to the party?
Starting point is 01:44:30 You can hose down that bush But it still ain't watering time What? Jill I am a boulder and you are a flagstone And you are out of the garden If you know what I'm saying I actually think I do Are you saying that I'm the path and you're the guns here that made events and you're more important than me?
Starting point is 01:44:48 No, I'm saying that nobody flies flagstones, Jill. Do you understand what I mean? No! No! Jill, you are a Flintstone vitamin in an airplane, and you know what happens to them. They go down the toilet. What? I would give you a Flintstones pill,
Starting point is 01:45:07 but I touched it and it turned to gold. It would probably just kill you. You know what I mean? No! Oh my god. Okay, can we just do this forever? Okay, let's have Kim Richards come into it. Okay.
Starting point is 01:45:23 Hey! Hey! Hey, I hear there's a prohibition party Don't worry I got the hooch Finally I'm gonna use that bathtub If they ever take the boards off the front door No you're not invited Kim It's just for quad
Starting point is 01:45:40 Well I will not go somewhere Where Kim Richards can throw a glass at me Twice Twice What if that glass doesn't break Well, I will not go somewhere where Kim Richards could throw a glass at me. Twice. Twice. What if that glass doesn't break and she picks it up off the floor and then throws it at me again? Are you going to stop her the second time? Kim Richards is like a table fan in the middle of a paddleboard court.
Starting point is 01:45:59 You know what I'm saying? No, Quod! Why is there a fan in the paddleboard court? Why are you playing paddleboard? No one plays paddleboard. Why, Quad? Why? Why are you yelling, Jill?
Starting point is 01:46:17 I just want to know what's going on. I don't understand. That's always going to be Jill's storyline. Something is going down and she doesn't even know why or how it started or why she's yelling at somebody. It's like the strip club all over again. I didn't do it! What? I have no idea what you're saying right now, Quad. Oh, good.
Starting point is 01:46:46 Well, that ends that one. What else do you want to talk about? I don't know. I'm impressed that we've found a way to crack each other up with this stupid show. This is where all the recaps are going to be from here on out. We'll talk about the show, and then we're just going to get to the part where Quad and Joel have an imaginary
Starting point is 01:47:01 conversation. Well, we already pretty much are doing quad the entire time saying stupid shit yeah there's nothing else on this show i mean what are we gonna watch jackie chasing around some old man pooping on himself with a bullhorn telling him it's too fat like leave him alone for christ's sake what you should have done is you should have hired nomad and either fix your father. Poor Eugene. I wish we got to... Did we see Eugene?
Starting point is 01:47:27 Because I don't think we did this week. I wanted to see how much weight he's gained. No, there must have been an old country buffet that opened up. God bless his heart. I know. Poor Eugene. He's stress eating. I know.
Starting point is 01:47:39 Stress is delicious, apparently. He's adorable. I know. If he went to Fault Line, he would do very well. Listen, his wallet's... I was going to say his wallet's still the same size, but it's probably not now. His wallet's
Starting point is 01:47:52 losing weight while he's gaining weight, and it's all because of Toya. Both things. Oh, he wanted to go eat his scarecrow sausage, man. Listen, you don't rent the fleas of nicer house. You fucking kill them with medication Dunning
Starting point is 01:48:06 you're doing it wrong Eugene by the way Toya's kids are also really cute I'd like to add since you know it's funny this show I spend half the time saying oh their kids are so cute because it's like there's nothing going on with the adults so all I have to do is be like oh look at Allura she's so cute and she's turning she's going to such a beautiful young woman
Starting point is 01:48:22 and look at Toya's kids are really cute they lost the musical chairs aww because i've got nothing to say about the adults well kids are always cute hitler's kids were probably really cute that's true too yeah kids are cute nobody ruined them he did they come out no kids he had no kids i met my friend michael's new baby the other day and i absolutely fell in love i couldn I couldn't believe it. Normally, I'm like, babies are stupid. They don't laugh at me. They don't look at me. They just sit there.
Starting point is 01:48:49 This baby, I fed him. I held him in my arms, and he barfed on me three times. It was so cute. I fell totally in love with him. And I just had this moment alone with him where I got to look him in his walking dead. You know how babies have weird walking dead eyes? And his little zombie eyes. And I said, we're going to ruin you.
Starting point is 01:49:09 Aww. So nice. I actually don't find babies cute. I find little kids cute because they have manners and stuff. I think little kids can be very cute. But babies, and I don't mean this in a way to be like, I hate babies.
Starting point is 01:49:22 I don't connect with babies. Babies don't get me. They don't mean this in a way to be like, I hate babies. Although I just, I don't connect with babies. But I... Babies don't get me. They don't get me. They don't get my jokes. Well, I don't have my own. I don't have my own. Maybe if I did.
Starting point is 01:49:33 But no, but it's just one of those things. Like I look at a baby, I actually don't find them to be like that cute. I think, I mean, they look cute, you know, but I don't look at them. I'm like, oh my god, what a cute baby, the way I do with like a puppy or a kitten. Does that make sense? I know I sound like a terrible person. It's just, it's not a judgment thing.
Starting point is 01:49:54 It's just more of a, it doesn't spark that in me. It doesn't, I don't, I look at a baby and I'm like, oh look, there's like a little creature with a circular face. Some babies are cute. Actually, my friend, I will say this. Wait, my friend Michelle has a baby that I actively think is cute. I'm like, oh, that's a cute baby.
Starting point is 01:50:12 That's a cute baby. You know people that hate babies? There's a lot of people who are like, I hate babies. And I think that there's something about their own childhood or they resent babies because babies are getting more love than they ever got or i don't know maybe they resent that they were one time so helpless to you and now they think that they're not but they really are on the inside there's like so much psychological stuff that goes on when you're actually because i mean even my own nieces i didn't i wasn't there when
Starting point is 01:50:39 they were well one of them i was there when she was born i guess i held her a little bit i don't remember having the moment like i had with this baby where I was like, oh, my God, I totally get it now. I totally understand. I was like this little life force and like you can see everything that you had to go through and all this struggle you had to do, too. And like you're just born into this world, a helpless little goo thing. And then you're so shaped by the world around you. And I don't know. It was the world around you and I don't know it was so beautiful
Starting point is 01:51:06 yeah I don't know for me with babies I just feel very uncomfortable around them if that makes sense well then I think that you need to open yourself up for bonding moment with baby because like Vicky says you don't understand that because it's not yours
Starting point is 01:51:22 why can't I why can't I just feel uncomfortable around babies? And that's just that. Why do people always like, oh, well, you just need to spend more time with babies. You need to hold the baby more. I'm like, no, I don't want to. Because I get uneasy. And I understand.
Starting point is 01:51:36 If I have my own baby, I'm sure it will all go out the window. But I am the type of person, and I'm going to admit this, and people may think I'm a terrible person for this, but I actually get uncomfortable around babies. I feel, I don't know what to do. Um, you know, to me, they, um, they like spit up and stuff or they, their, their nose is running. Like I, I actually find that to be gross. Um, it's not charming for me. Uh, I don't, I don't want any, it's like a weird OCD thing. Like, I don't like that. And I have a hard time also, I get stressed in the sense that, you know, if you're sitting and the baby's always like knocking something off the table or always reaching for something or whatever, I can't help but look at what the baby is reaching for. And then I'm like, the baby should not be reaching for that.
Starting point is 01:52:22 If the baby gets that, terrible things will happen. You know, that my mind not be reaching for that. If the baby gets that, terrible things will happen. My mind is always going in that place. I just become uneasy and anxious. It's hard for me to have a conversation over a baby because the baby's always doing something. But it's like it's unpleasant for me. I don't feel that way. I don't think you're a crazy or a bad person for feeling that way.
Starting point is 01:52:38 That's totally normal. I've always been the same way. I mean, with my own nieces, I was like, no, I'll talk to her when she's two and she can get my jokes. You know, because that's like my audience. Yeah, but i also find that like when there's a baby around i can't have a real conversation with someone because the baby is always that is always taking the attention away in the sense that like it's knocked over a fork onto the ground it has to be picked up or whatever it's just it's hard to get in the for me it's hard to get in the flow and it's probably more on me because i'm getting distracted by the baby non-stop it's like if
Starting point is 01:53:08 you've ever gone on a date a dog walking date um like if you're like going up run-in canyon with someone and they have a dog and you're trying to have a conversation you get to know them but inevitably you have to stop because you have to call the dog or you have to like yeah someone pets the dog and i'm not saying you like dogs but there are just it's like distractions it's like so that's why i've just i have a hard time with babies i really i really do and i know that could all change and i am a sentimental goo ball but when it comes to babies i don't connect i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah one of the things i'm finding so beautiful about it, I think, is just maybe that it's such a close friend and that he's gay and I never really thought we could do that. attitude but then also having to give everything up for the love of this baby who doesn't you know even know what he looks like yet or who he is or what any of this means you know like babies don't
Starting point is 01:54:12 exactly grow up and say thank you so much for sitting there and letting me barf all over you and shit all over you and thank you for shoving that bottle down my throat even though i didn't want it and thank you for wrapping me like a burrito. You know, it's like kind of a selfless thing in a way, even though people do it for self. I think people sometimes have kids for selfish reasons because they want like a little version of them or they don't want to just die without their name
Starting point is 01:54:36 going on. Or they want to destroy the world without another carom. Or they want a distraction from their cheating stripper loving husbands, Lisa Nicole. Yeah. I think sometimes people do it for selfish reasons. But in order to do it without nannies and stuff like that, it's actually so selfless to not just eat the shit out of the baby or just throw it away. And people actually do it all the time.
Starting point is 01:55:00 They're like, oh, we found another toddler in a dumpster today outside of McDonald's. And you know why? Because they were like, fuck this. this this thing doesn't do shit it doesn't even say thank you after it shits on me it's going in the dumpster you know and then they just throw it away and then you know i think that that's like the normal human reaction so when i see somebody like just being kind of selfless uh i don't know it's just nice it made me all warm and fuzzy inside no i mean i think the act of parenting and i think the act of like raising a child is like a very special thing. And I think and watching a child grow up and get mad at her is like, it's always like, oh, my God, that's so precious. So wonderful, you know.
Starting point is 01:55:37 But it's like a journey that I don't have an interest in going on, if that makes sense. Oh, no, I don't either. I don't. I don't have an interest in going on, if that makes sense. Oh, no, I don't either. I have too much interest in that. And part of it is, because there are some people, again, who they see a baby and they do connect with it. They think they see their stars in their eyes or they see magic.
Starting point is 01:55:57 They know how to talk to the baby or they know how to handle it. They don't mind when the baby knocks over the fork and it doesn't bother them. It's second nature.'t mind when the baby knocks over the fork and it doesn't bother them you know it's like it's it's second nature it's like taking care of the baby is it's like that's it's wonderful and fulfilling to them as and it's great but for me it isn't and i find that um i feel like i'm maligned often for that and uh that's my that's my journey that's my challenge yeah i think it's very natural to feel like that. I think sometimes the reason people do bond, or maybe one of the reasons I'm loving it, is just seeing the nature part of it. Like, oh, that's just natural.
Starting point is 01:56:33 You know, like being upset on a very basic, instinctual level. Like, I'm hungry, and I'm sad, and I'm sobbing. Or, you know, I don't know. Just seeing ourselves as little gooey animals and just remembering that, yeah, feelings. You know, I try so hard to read self-help books or get therapy or this and that to make my feelings go away, David,
Starting point is 01:56:58 and I just want those negative thoughts to stop. And part of it is, no, that's life, and negative thoughts don't stop, and you're going to be shitty, and you're going to want to shit yourself and sometimes you're going to and it's because you're a fucking human being and so maybe you can forgive yourself a little bit and just like relax and enjoy the ride because that shit don't last long that's for sure yes sirree yes sirree i don't know getting all deep on babies i know marriage and medicine we've been talking for three hours. I'm not going to shut up.
Starting point is 01:57:25 I'm going to go to Starbucks and talk to more people now. Yeah, good. Everyone, thank you for listening. We will be back later this week with another episode where we'll talk about real houses in New York City and probably a million-dollar listing San Francisco. And we have a bonus episode up on Patreon if you want to hear it and you are not a supporter. Then just head on over there patreon.com forward slash watch what crappens and if you support us there
Starting point is 01:57:50 you will find a link to the bonus episode so thank you everyone for listening thanks for liking us on facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens and we will talk to you later this week bye everyone bye everybody We'll talk to you later this week. Bye, everyone. Bye, everybody. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the Internet.
Starting point is 01:58:20 The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore.
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