Watch What Crappens - #216: Vicki's Chemo-tional Rollercoaster; Also, LuAnn Survives Stampede

Episode Date: September 1, 2015

The feud between Megan and Vicki reaches new heights and lows this week on "Real Housewives of Orange County," and it's no more civilized over on "Real Housewives of New York City" where LuAnn recounts the horrors of enduring a CAMERA STAMPEDE (on a reality show with cameras). If that's not enough bickering, there's Heavenly and Jill having at it on "Married to Medicine" too. As always, Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) are here to break it all down. It's funny, and you should tell your friends. For real. Come listen! You can donate to us at http://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: http://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://bit.ly/crappens Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part? Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com forward slash crappins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue. so much that crappens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap This episode of Watch What Crappens is brought to you by our premium Patreon subscribers, Claudia Catalina and Christy Daugherty. Yay! Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we absolutely just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me as usual is the wonderful, the funny, the hilarious, the ha-ha-inducing Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hello there, Ben. Hello, everybody. Thanks for having me here. you can follow us on social media by going to watchourcrappins.com you'll find links to Twitter and Instagram and Vine and all those other wonderful things

Periscope! it's all there we encourage you to follow us more importantly facebook.com forward slash watchourcrappins is just the best Facebook page on the internet we have to thank everyone who's been liking it over the past several weeks it has really grown so much and it's

a great online community to talk about bravo and even non-bravo stuff uh so lots of people are on there so if you're not there come join the party because it really is like a party it is i'm reading it right now someone posted have you ever it's one of the minions have you ever just looked at someone and said seriously julie patchler yeah so funny yeah yeah i'm reading it right now i love this page and then there's another thing oh i'll get to this in orange county remind me though remind me they've been okay um but um it a really great page, so follow us there. And then, of course, if you want to support the podcast, you can go to patreon.com forward slash watch our crap ends. And you can support us there, which really means a lot to us. Supporters, at the very least, get access to a bonus episode every single week.

We just recorded this week's. We had a really fun time. We have been on a roll, Ronnie. We've been having so much fun. Part of it is just that I'm smoking up now in the day. And part of it is that Starbucks came out with

their cold brews, which are strong. And I got a coffee pot. So we talked about the VMAs. And Couch Desk. Let's face it. Couch Desk. Hashtag Couch Desk. Still in it it. Oh, Couch Desk. Hashtag Couch Desk.

Still in it. Been in here for weeks. Loving life, man. Hashtag Couch Desk. Hashtag Team Gaze. No, the bonus episode this week, we talked about the VMAs, which was, we had a really good time. Oh, my God. I haven't laughed.

I'm tired from laughing at that shit. That was hilarious. Yeah. If you watch the VMAs and you want to relive it, you want to hear it all hashed out, listen to our bonus episode. Subscribe on Patreon. Listen to it. We also talked about the gossip with Jill on Married to Medicine. And we talked about some Vanderpump Rules stuff.

And I think there's some other stuff. I can't remember. I am like in a haze right now. I don't even know the words. Coming out of my mouth mouth it feels like we've been partying because we've been laughing so hard i know um the uh i wanted to say also like we're hearing from a lot of moms which is so great because of the crying out loud that wonderful podcast i love so we still are hearing from a lot of moms and i love it and so i just to say, if you are a mom and you're new to this show, yeah, we curse a lot and stuff like that. But I'd like to thank the car makers for making those video screens that pop up in the back of your minivan.

And you can put earphones on the little fuckers. And then, boom, you can listen to us. So I'd never thank the car makers, but that opens an entire new audience to us. Yeah. So thanks, car makers. If you are a new listener and you came to us for Crying Out Loud and you're a mom and you got some kids in the backseat, we're going to give you 30 seconds. We'll give you 60 seconds so you can pull over and put the earmuffs over your kids. Well, pretend that Ronnie didn't just say the F word.

And put the earmuffs over your kids. Well, pretend that Ronnie didn't just say the F word. And you can cover your kids' ears. And then get ready for some hardcore Miley Cyrus VMA cursing, y'all. What? I'm hardcore, y'all. Marijuana. What?

You guys, today I flossed. What? I'm a rebel, y'all. It's crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Crazy Miley. So on this episode, we're going to talk about Real Housewives of Orange County.

We're going to talk about the third installment of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion. We're going to have a next issue ad somewhere in the middle. You don't know when it's going to happen, but it's going to happen. It's going to happen. Can't wait. You don't know when it's gonna happen but it's gonna happen it's gonna happen so just wait you don't know but all y'all better brace y'all better brace because next issue ad is happening and then we have totally normal for next issue to take off its clothes if it wants to put itself through college blink blink blink blink and we have married to medicine oh married to me it's which a lot of this cast are literally married to meds i like that that's their twitter

uh their twitter yeah marriage because it is you guys are all married to med married to it and i feel like i've been self-medicating with this i'm telling you you you, my cold brew is very strong today. I think it's because the guy poured. So normally when I go down to the Ralph's Starbucks, the guy, I always have the same guy who takes my order. But it's someone different who pours it. But today the guy that did my order gave me the cold brew. And I think he put more cold brew than water in because I am bonkers. I'm as bonkers as last week when i did the tiago coffee well i'm on my second trinta bin i'm finishing it up now it's wonderful although i can't find

a coffee creamer that doesn't taste like cancer i haven't found something that tastes like a starbucks yet you know because i like a little mocha or something like that my coffee bin and i'm buying all these creamers my top shelf in my fridge is full of all these different kinds of creamers, and they all taste like cancer. They're like cancer, like all different kinds. It's gross. Yeah, I like my coffee the way I like my men. Black.

To quote Airplane, which you have not seen, as we discussed in a previous. But I can quote Below Deck and say I like my women like I like my coffee. Blonde. What is it? Blonde i can quote below deck and say i like my women like i like my coffee blonde what is it blonde and stupid what do you think it's like blonde and with a vagina yeah blonde and with a good swallow am i right guys okay it's like i'm to make a rocket towel for you. Okay, what do you want to start with? Orange County, Maritime Medicine, or New York? Let's do Orange County because it's most recent. And we'll do Orange County, New York, Maritime Medicine. And as promised, there will be a next issue ad somewhere.

Okay, we're all thrilled be a next issue ad somewhere. Okay. We're all thrilled for the next issue ad. I am beyond thrilled. All right. So let me open to Osi. Oh, wait. I do have to say something pertaining to our sometimes sponsor. Saturday night, I got wasted in WeHo for the first time in like nine months.

And I came home and I bought a Casper mattress. You did? I did. Oh my God. I know you were drunk because normally we would have campaigned for a free one. Well, you know what? Here's the thing. Okay, here's the thing. I was going to campaign for a free one.

But I got scared that if we campaigned for a free one it would actually be bad etiquette since the sideshow network is the one who set up our advertising with yeah we'd probably get them a free fucking bed well i'm like oh thanks for the bed guys well i thought it would be i thought it was like i thought it might be poor etiquette if they if casper already deals with sideshow and then we come in independently, I thought that might be weird. And then I got scared. And then I got drunk. And then I did it.

But I used our promo code. Oh, nice. And I saved $50. Oh, good. Well, is that unethical? That is not unethical. Giving us out, clicking on our own Google Ads bin. That's right.

I clicked on our own promo code. Anyway, we don't have ethics bin, all right? Watch what crap happens for fuck's sake. Do whatever you want, darling. Just call it Casper. So that's, I feel like, I feel obligated to tell people that, that I got drunk and bought a mattress. That's so good. Yeah, you stand behind the product right on.

Can't wait to hear about it. This will be ongoing, and one of us still needs a bed, Casper. Casper. So, all right. Real Housewives of Orange County. You know who still needs a bed, Casper. Casper. So, all right. Real Housewives of Orange County. You know who else needs a bed? Everyone in this cast because they're grumpy. You know what?

I think that, I don't know if Megan needs a bed, but she certainly needs a seat because she needs to take one. Okay? Because she is still being a crazy little wench. Don't tell me to sit down because I'm like, don't tell me to sit in a high chair just because I'm tall. Like, I get that I'm tall, okay? Everyone hates me because I'm tall.

I'm like, no, I don't even think that's ever been. Why did today her greatest fear become that she's six feet tall? Yeah, that she's tall. Like, are we gonna feel sorry for a six foot tall model? Shut the fuck up, lady. Like, find another angle to get some pity time.

I care. I care. I'm coming out with a book for tall people. It's about like how hard it is to be tall. Come to my charity event for tall people, you guys. It means a lot to me. Shannon, is this? Who's this? I start tall people, you guys. It means a lot to me. Shannon, who's this? Who's this? I start

tall people charities. I started tall people, Megan. Megan. I started height, Megan. So the episode started, we're back at the construction site luncheon, and Vicky and Megan

were still fighting, and this is, Megan has just called Vicky, I think you're a mean old lady. And she's and she's like well if i'm a little girl that means you're an old lady vicky's like shut up shut up so uh i started laughing immediately last night when i was watching this because even though we watch it every week and then we talk about it sometimes for two hours a damn week at least I am still shocked whenever it comes on TV it opened with scenes from last week and it was the gay or whatever

like scenes from previously and it was the gay possible horror psychic with the Facebook page going I don't see it I don't see it. Like, I don't see that. I don't see cancer.

Oh, my God. I started laughing so hard. And then Heather's weird Coraline angry mom button face, like gerbil face. And then Tamara's hamster face. I was like, these women are destined to not be friends because one of them has a hamster face and one of them has a gerbil face and while they're

both rodents, they're not rodents that get along because they have different eyes. Very observant. Deep shit was happening last night while I was watching this. Very observant. Different rodents. It's like

you cannot have different rodents. They have to be all the same type of rodents for them to get along. Yeah, you cannot have different rodents. They have to be all the same type of rodents for them to get along. Yeah, rodents don't intermingle. All hamster, all gerbil. Yeah, there's never a hamster and a gerbil in the same ball. And don't try to crossbreed them. There's no such thing as a herbal, okay?

Just hamsters and gerbils. Or a gerbil. So, yeah. or a germster. So, yeah. Actually, and by the way, I think that Megan looks a little bit like a ferret. I don't know, is a ferret...

Ferrets are not rodents, right? She does have kind of ferret face. A ferret-y... You're just saying that because I'm tall. That's what I've got my whole life. Of course, I'm the long one. Just because I can tie my body into a knot doesn't mean I'm a ferret.

I smell funny and I crawl all over people who don't necessarily want me on them, but it doesn't make me a ferret, okay? Just because I don't work a lot doesn't mean you can say it's Ferret Bueller's Day Off, okay? I have to furnish a home. That's tallest, I'm telling. i have to furnish a home that's tallest i'm telling so yeah we open with the scene from last week in heather's mall house i don't even know what room this is supposed to be it was really gigantic future cinnabons yeah it's a hot dog on a stick room this is where the dishwasher is going to go for all of the cinnabon trays and then there's a separate room for where the dishwasher puts its shoes at the end of the day.

This is where we're installing the carousel. Everyone's going to come to the mall house and we're going to ride the carousel in here. But for right now, luncheon. Does that salad taste sweet to you? Because you're sitting right on the Cinnabon carousel. That's where it's going to go. Can you taste my dreams? Can you taste them?

Because they're coming to fruition. Heather, so yeah, they're in that weird, big construction zone. Yeah. Yeah, and they're all wearing like these shocking old lady pinks. It's really an awkward scene this week.

Yeah. So Megan is abusing Megan. It's like, You shut up, you stupid slut. Married to an idiot, stupid little whore. Idiot. I hope you die. I hope you fucking choke, stupid whore.

Megan's like, you're old and bitter. And everyone's like, oh. Yeah. Shut up. Oh, Shad, I feel bad. I was afraid that Shannon was going to pee in her pants. Oh, Shannon. Megan, what?

Megan. You talked about it. You called her old Megan, Miss 30-year-old? What? Well, then, yeah, Shannon's like, I want to be livid. Livid? David, are you livid too? David, why aren't you more livid? David, then, yeah, Shannon's like, I would be livid. Livid? David? Are you livid too? David, why aren't you more livid?

David? David, where are you? David, I can't tell if you're livid if you're not here. Find your father. Put on the fund, my friends. Put it on. I think David's at his favorite store, Livid Places. Livid Spaces. David, I can't tell my joke right.

Livid Places. I still can't go into Livid Places. I just can't take it. David goes to Livid Spaces David I can't tell my joke right I still can't go into a Livid Places I just can't take it David goes to Livid Spaces I just won't do it I can't believe I ruined my own Livid Spaces joke David Sorry about that No I did because I called it Livid Places

Not Livid Spaces Oh I got you, Ben. Trading livid places. So anyway, Heather's luncheon. So everyone's so offended that Megan would dare criticize someone for their age, even though they were just calling her like a 12-year-old cut fitness. Yeah. Which I love. Shannon and everything Shannon said today, to the cameras at least, was checking off a box.

Did you notice that? She was like pretending to write on the chalkboard in every single confessional. Loved it. It's like, oh, well, Shannon, there goes Miss 30-year-old saying stupid things like a child would. Yeah. Yeah. And I loved also, by the way, how when Megan was insisting, she was's like what i'm saying is not coming from a place of malice then they cut to shannon sipping a martini doing the kermit the frog like but that's

none of my business like she's not buying like okay bitch i'm gonna drink my martini while you shut the fuck up that was like a nikki that was this version this show's version of nikki minaj versus miley cyrus shannon's like where you at shannon's like listen where you at? Shannon's like, listen, bitches. I did it. I didn't mean you personally. I just meant in the slang sense. Bitches. Bitches, you know. Like the ones that David slept with for all my

birthdays. David? I'd like to celebrate the two days after the birthday that was after the last birthday that was miserable. You know, that's eventually still miserable. So everybody, thanks for asking. How am I?

I'm disappointed. Great. I love this salad. This is great, but I'm too fat to eat it. So I'll just stare at it. I'll just sit here staring at the salad in the shoe room or wherever we are. David? David?

David? David, why aren't you joining us for the lunch in the Foot Locker? David, David. So Vicky starts going off the rails, overly angry, pretending to cry, making that face where only her eyes are squinting. She honestly looks like Connie Chung in a mask. And by the way, Megan's so dumb. She was doing great this season. She somehow got through all these episodes without getting on Vicky's bad side. Normally, it only takes one episode for a pretty new girl to get the Vicky treatment.

And she got all the way this far, but she kept poking. She kept poking. You just keep poking, Megan. Just keep poking, Megan. Yeah, wait. Oh, I have that quote. Oh, here it is. Listen, lady. Keep your poking. Keep poking at poking, Megan. Just keep poking, Megan. Yeah, wait. Oh, I have that quote. Oh, here it is. Listen, lady.

Keep your poking. Keep poking at me, Megan. Keep it up. Megan. Megan. Megan. Megan. Megan.

Megan. Keep poking. Keep poking at my bladder, because guess what? I'll pee my pants. I'll pee. I'll pee. Megan, you want me to treat you like a run around the block? Because I will pee right on you. Keep poking, Megan. Keep poking. Megan, when you poke my bladder, I'll pee. I'll pee. Megan, you want me to treat you like a run around the block? Because I will pee right on you.

Keep pumping, Megan. Keep pumping. When you poke my bladder, I pee. In my pants. If I essentially... If I run... If I run... Oh, sorry. If I run, I pee. I pee. In my pants. Check.

Check. David, why did you interrupt me while i was talking about my running david david david you know i don't like when you walk in here when i'm talking about how i pee when i run david that makes me i'm having feelings david i'm having negative thoughts i don't want to but i am david i can't stop them okay honey well um you know i know i wrecked our entire lives. Let's call a meeting with the kids. David. David. Why was I crying, David?

We need to start writing this down. So Lizzie, Megan is going so far off her own rails because she's just acting like a teenager at this point. She's like, I didn't do anything. If he doesn't have cancer, he doesn't have cancer. I didn't see it. I was just relaying it i was relaying with the psychics i care i care about your lover that's all i care vicky as her clavicle is like about to burst out of her skin oh my god but this fight was so funny because she's saying well dude but only, I'm sorry. Okay. Why isn't he doing chemo? She keeps going and going.

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Apple Podcasts. only work for him oh you're back wait sorry you disappeared stop oh no you're saying the questions aren't bad but uh the questions aren't bad you know she's saying uh why is he refusing to go to a good doctor that someone's giving him why is he refusing chemo those aren't bad questions and vicky is freaking out at these questions and she's like none of your business and he chemo wasn't working for him okay sometimes chemo doesn't work for people and that's just how it is you know chemo's not a be all and all and he's on a new cocktail a revesteral cocktail you know it's like a lot of wine every day and he's drinking his wine he's doing what the doctor told him to do he's at home drinking right now megan don't say he doesn't want

to live i know and by the way one of our i think one of our listeners posted i'm gonna find it right now posted a picture. They ran into Brooks in Vegas. Yes, that's what I was saying. Remind me later. Remind me later. Yeah, I've got it pulled up here. You've got it pulled up? Who did it? Who posted it? Who did that? Who did it?

Lily Jueski. Oh, hi, Lily. Oh, here it is. Yeah, Lily Jueski. You look so pretty in this picture. Oh, Lily. Just ran into our friend Brooks. By the way, Brooks looks good in Brooks. Brooks at March Game Vegas I think that's the point

just ran into Brooks in Vegas dancing with the tall blonde in the back he seemed quite healthy Brooks is like ow it hurts let's go party it's new therapy you gotta go to Vegas and in the Vegas sauna the Bellagio then you cure your cancer every time you take a really

good Instagram pic with a pretty girl, cancer dies a little bit. Meanwhile, Vicky's posting on Instagram. Oh, look at this pizza I just ate. Oh, I just had some donuts, too. Yeah, freedom! Carb freedom! You know, cancer loves pizza, but I don't have to worry about that anymore. So does Vicky!

Woo-hoo! Whoop it up pizza I'm like oh no don't please don't be Gaining 500 pounds on Instagram Telling but that's that being said just Go back to what you were saying about Vicky freaking Out you know Vicky made a point later in The episode and she's right about this Is that

She was saying Megan was not coming From a good place Megan's asking these Questions but not in a good place. Megan's asking these questions, but not in a good place. And that's the difference. Because if Megan had said, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I came off that way. I really, if she led with an, like an apology for being misconstrued, like, like, oh my God,

Vicky, I'm so sorry. I was not insinuating that at all. And I'm so sorry. That made you feel that way. I, I was confused by the situation. It probably wasn't my place.

I was just wondering like why he didn't you know I was concerned that maybe he wasn't investigating the best path possible you know and Vicky still probably been like you know what shut up shut up but it's still like you know

Megan was Megan was coming from a bad place but I don't think she was coming. She didn't start it. Basically these women are like, oh here's this psychic who says this and the psychic said this and she's like, wait a minute, maybe he

doesn't have cancer but then maybe he should go to that doctor or get chemo. They're tricking her into it. It's basically all Tamara. She doesn't necessarily have Vicky's best intentions at heart but yeah the one out to destroy Vicky with the news was Tamara

not not this girl Tamara was the one who played along Tamara was the one who found the psychic Tamara was the one like this is all roads lead back to Tamara Tamara is the one who got who told Vicky. I mean, it was, you know.

Yeah. If you ask any witness, that's the thing with getting so much surgery, you know. If you ask witnesses what they saw, they can totally describe it easily. They saw a woman hamster, you know, causing trouble. You cannot be causing trouble with that face, okay? Subtle, subtle muddle. Subtle muddle. Let's have a subtle htle, subtle muddle. Subtle huddle. Let's have a subtle huddle.

Let's have a subtle huddle. So anyway, so Vicky leaves the party. And in the wake of Vicky leaving, Tamara... Oh, God, but we missed all the... Brooks! Brooks wants to live! You know what I want? Here's my dream. I want Brooks to be alive.

That's my dream. I want Brooks to live to be the father of four. I want Brooks to fly on the wings of a dove. Like she's going on this crazy, non-crying, crying, squinty, but non-facially moving rant. And the other lady's like, whatever. And Tamara's like, okay. So like, of course, Vicky is going crazy bitch but you know like i mean whatever cancer megan whatever cancer megan vicky bitch cut fitness youtube channel bitch and then heather

being every trying to be the reasonable one, but just making everything boring. She's like, Megan, did you, you know, I know what you were trying to say because you were trying to describe like what having cancer is like. Because you understand because you know somebody with cancer because your husband's ex-wife currently has cancer and you understand it. And so like, I understand where you're coming from I'm gonna go talk to the girls with my champs Vicky Megan is coming from a place where she understands cancer

it's like stop narrating the show to everybody who's on it you dumbass get the hell out of here Heather so then after Vicky leaves Tamara decides to lighten the mood by announcing, you guys, we have decided to launch the Cut Fitness YouTube channel, and we're launching it with a sex tape.

And everyone's like, oh, my God, what, huh? And then she goes, get your mind out of the gutter, pervs. I'm like, no, no, no. You say get your mind out of the gutter when you make an innuendo, but when you say you're launching it with a sex tape, that's like mind out of the gutter when you make an innuendo, but when you say you're launching with a sex tape, that's like saying that is the gutter right there, okay? You can't – you don't fault them. It's a believable gutter for you to be sliding down to.

No one was even surprised. They were just like, oh, Chakra, finally. Oh, jeez. I thought you were going to save that for your tenth. By the way, that's also what they say when Cut Fitness is closing. They say, okay, ladies and gentlemen, please get out of the gutter. Cut Fitness is closing for today. Please get out of the gutter and you no longer have to pretend that it's really an even floor.

It's a gutter and you can get up now. Class is over. Get up. Oh, so. So, yeah. Vicky throws a fit and then Tamarara's like we are having a sex party bitches i'm like i didn't know that posting a video on youtube like necessitated having a party but okay congratulations have you you've seen the video right i sent it to you i think

when it when it came out well Well, they showed most of it. They showed it anyway. All that thing was missing was a Kenya Moore hair commercial cut into it. I know. It was awful. Like in 15 seconds. Yeah. Do you wonder why my hair is so beautiful?

Because of Kenya Moore hair. And then bad sitcom. Yeah. Yeah, it was a bad commercial. And it didn't show off anything of Cup Fitness, but whatever. So then, we'll get to that. Back at the table, even Lizzie, I had to struggle for her name. Sorry, Lizzie.

But even Lizzie's like, Megan, be quiet enough. You're talking too much. Yes, I love that. She's like, just sit back and enjoy the free meal, okay? It doesn't always have to be a fight. You don't have to work every episode. Just enjoy the salad. And Megan's like, all I wanted to do was show

that I cared. Vicky's a bitch. And I love Lizzie was being hilarious. Lizzie was just like, I know, but just stop talking, Megan. Megan, just stop. And then it immediately wiped off of her face. And she's like, Vicky's a bitch.

It's like, yeah, you see all this fake crying. I like that. It just immediately dries up whenever they do it. It's like, okay, you're a bitch. Bye. Love that. And then Heather, just so we know what happened she's like guys vicky is like a mama bear and mama bears are really scary let's face it they're scary bears are scary they're big

scary vicky's a bear i'm scared it's like okay thanks for contributing heather oh finally we can move on yeah... He's fighting for his life! He's fighting for his life! Game on, Joe! Okay, so I'll see you guys next time. Thanks for having me. Really love the boot room. Bye! So then we move on

to Dr. Moon's office, because Shannon is seeing Dr. Moon, because she's been healthy. Except for the nebulizer. But she's been healthy, except for the nebulizer. But she's been healthy, and therefore she's on a full moon, new moon cycle. Where she sees Dr. Moon when it's a full moon, a new moon. That's when she sees him. Moons. Moons! Two moons twice a month?

When I go to Denny's and I order a moon over Miami, I know, time to see Dr. Moon. Moon schedule. moon over miami i know time to see dr moon moon schedule whenever david's staring up at the sky wondering why his gmail account was deleted off of his ipad without his knowledge i know it's a full moon and it's time to get a thumb up my butt two times a month i was at the video store and i saw moonstruck on the shelves i realized time to see dr moon checking off her list two moons list check i try to deal with things on my own but sometimes you need a heart monitor and little sensors all over the fat on your stomach and you need them shocking you in the fat part so you know that they're there and you're aware and you're shameful enough to get rid of them

thank you dr moon so dr moon so she lies down and Dr. Moon touches her stomach and he's like, oh, the liver. He's like, oh, there's anger. There's anger in the liver. And she's like, I know. I mean, I have lots of anger and resentment, you know, because David has been cheating on me on my birthday and then took me to a sports bar. David, David. And then he's like, Dr. Moon's

answer was, here's what you gotta do. When you're feeling angry, you have to glare at the clouds. Sounds like David. David, I'm looking at a cloud right now. David, what you're saying right now is making me very angry, but I'm just gonna stare at a cloud. David, that cloud is shaping into

another woman's vagina. Isn't that a coincidence, David? David, what are you telling these clouds, David? What are these clouds and notes that I don't know? David, just tell me. I'm having a negative thought, David. David, what are you telling these clouds, David? What are these clouds and notes that I don't know, David? Just tell me. I'm having a negative thought, David. David, I want you to write a list of every single cloud you have gone on a date with. David. David.

First I have judgy eyes, and now I have to do an exercise not to have angry eyes? I don't want to exercise. If my eyes exercise, I will pee my pants. I can no longer watch Dirty Dancing, because when Hungry Eyes comes on on the soundtrack, it's just too much for me. How many eyes will I have to have? Am I a spider? Do I have eight eyes? I don't understand, David.

Let me get this straight, David. I have Angry Eyes, Hungry Eyes, and Judgy Eyes. My eyes are very busy, David. Very, very busy, David. My eyes are having feelings right now, David. No, the Judgy ones. The Judgy ones. You're looking at the wrong busy, David. Very, very busy, David. My eyes are having feelings right now, David. No, the judgy ones. The judgy ones.

You're looking at the wrong eyes, David. David, why are you looking at hungry eyes, David? Judgy eyes is the one that needs you. Children, we're having a meeting. David, why won't you look me in the eyes? In the proper eyes, David. David, have me look you in my third eye right now, David. Oh, God. Is my third eye hungry or needy or stretchy

or angry? David, how many eyes do I have to have for you to look in them, okay? I have grown eight different eyes, so that way you can at least look into one of them, David. And you always look away. David, how many eyes does she have? How many eyes does she have?

David, I have eight eyes and I can spin a web. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that beautiful enough for you? I've made friends with the pig, David. David, I write messages with my web. Okay, that's it, David. I make sure no insects come into this house, and that's still not enough for you. I want a list of all the lens crafters you've taken your mistresses to,

because I do not want to be embarrassed when hungry eyes need a pair. David, I thought you would appreciate my new bedroom eyes for when we make whoopee, but I guess obviously not. David, are you more or less attracted to me than you were a week after you met me? David, answer one of my eyes. David, the correct answer was both. David, that was the answer. Oh, David, he'll never understand me.

It's okay, hungry eyes. You're not hungry. Hungry eyes, stop staring at the cupcakes, hungry eyes. You're making me fat. Stop it. Oh, really? Oh, well, stop judging me, judgy Eyes. Oh, I'm so sorry, Hungry Eyes. Oh, God, now Angry's

mad. Oh, jeez. David, I wish you had some sympathy for me, because my bifocals are made of kaleidoscope lenses now. David? David? I have so many eyes. I was meeting with the children, but my eyes are fighting. I need time for my eyes to fight, David.

Alright? David, I see everything. I see everything. David, I wish you were like a Navi from Avatar and that you could see me the way I can see you. But you can't. I see you, David.

I wish all the women you had sex with would grow some eyes, David, so they could notice the wedding ring on your hand. That would be nice. That would be lovely, David. I hope this eye thing is contagious and you pass it along to all of your mistresses. That would be great, David. Do you want to kiss my eyes? Kiss my eyes, David.

Kiss my eyes. You won't get anything, David. David, where are you going? David, maybe you should grow four more eyeballs, one for each member of the family you're betraying. David, look at us. Look at all of us. David. Kids, while your father is locked in the bathroom, I'd like to explain to you how I feel about the length of

time that short ribs need to be marinated. Okay? That's what we're going to talk about. Stop looking at the angry eyes, honey. She's not angry at you. It's just how she is. All right, kids. David, maybe you need a pair of glasses. That way you could look at the shopping list and see that we are cooking for 16 people. And you're buying only two bottles of wine, David.

David. Oh, that was the best. The first fight is always the best. Yeah. The first fight is the deepest. So anyway, Vicky and Michael. So Vicky, when she has some, you know, lunch with Michael, which was great because, you know, since mom died, mom's dead. And, you know, mom loved lunch.

And, you know, since she's dead, I have no one. It's like, oh, geez, here we go. I love that Michael's face is always confused. He just looks at her like, who are you? How did I end up here? Why am I here? Is this ever going to end? What is she saying right now? What is face doing is that even my mother who are you i know totally confused i know by the way i

thought he was looking good i think i think he's aging very nicely looking really cute but i loved how like vicky's talking in the beginning she's like you know i can't get through the day without crying about nana and he's like, you want to get some appetizers? And she's like, ma'am, I always love mozzarella sticks. Don't you remember that? How Nana loved the mozzarella sticks? He's like, yeah, it's really good to see you. Guess what?

A lot of people lose their parents, like, when they're really young, and it's traumatic, and you're, like, old. So by the time the onion rings get here, it would be great if you could like get the fuck over it and stop making grandma's death about yourself awesome thanks it's like Jesus if eyes could give a shit monologue

this guy would be giving it right now he's like now we can't order before mom gets here oh my god I just remembered oh my god we'll have the mozzarella sticks and mom will have the minestrone. Mom! Oh god!

Oh god! Don't write that down on the order. Oh god. I've decided my mom please ask a busboy. Maybe they'll have it. I don't know.

What do I know? I don't work at a restaurant. Restaurants are gross. I don't even work here. I work here. Get a job. Get some self-respect. Have a job.

You want a job? You know what? I'll pay for you. I'll pay for you to be an intern at my office. Unpaid, of course. So this was a cute little dinner date or whatever it was kind of like a fancy rainforest cafe yeah it was basically just like a here's what michael's up to you know yeah it's like every year they check in with him because we've seen him every year so we check in oh he lives

in san diego now oh yeah he's buying a bought a boat you He's like, it's an inflatable tube. She's like, oh, so how's the yacht? There are little little bodies that I put on my arm before I go into the water, okay? The dog walker. Where do you think I'm going to get a yacht? Yeah. How's the yacht? Are you going to take me and mom on it? Oh, no.

Oh, man. Mom loved yachts. I wish yachts had thicker walls. Mom could just be on the yacht, you know? The bed should be so lonely. Yeah. Could you imagine being on a yacht? I mean, how often are you on a yacht? No one's on a yacht every day, that's for sure.

Mom! This yacht needs to get a jab. I'm so glad that we didn't put mom inside the wiles of that lazy yacht. Oh, gosh. The yacht will be disappointed in your own mom after she's gone oh mom you know what you're a beautiful yacht okay but what would your mama what would your mother yacht say okay your mom yeah i would not be happy okay how about this you're gonna come work for koto insurance yeah okay i'm gonna save you and if i can't save you i'm gonna send you to

atlanta where lisa nicole will put you to work in a boutique, okay? Oh, God. Insurance. That's what you need. That's the answer. Insurance. And Michael's just, like, sitting there looking totally confused as usual, and Vicky's like, oh, but, you know, it's been so great having Brooks at home.

You know, him and Mom are just talking. He's just standing there at the wall. I mean, they're banding more than ever. Wish Brianna could, you know, show some love and forgiveness. And he's like, well, you know, Brianna's just, you know, not so good to a guy who suggested that

she get beat because she's too much of a fat, loud mouth and that her husband cheat on her. You know, you know how it is, Mom. She's like, oh, yeah, you know, Michael's so sensitive and sweet, you know. I wish they could all be like Michael, just sit there and look at me confused not really understand the shapes my face are making instead of calling me a whore and a loser like me out of that yeah you know yeah if only uh if only vicky realized that brianna wants her mom to have an asshole as a boyfriend

not a mooch okay that's all that Brianna wants. Yeah, and it's just all... Our opinions can almost be completely saved because when they show the clips from next week, well, we're gonna have some Brooks time. We got some Brooks. I think we have the return of Ryan.

Asshole Ryan. Officer Ryan. So anyway, then we move on to the cut fitness party where everyone's gonna be sexy, which means that women put themselves in cheap Halloween wigs. Yes! Tamara's like, oh my God, I cannot wear

to dress like a cheap slut. Tamara, you dress like a cheap slut every time you're on the fucking screen. Give me a break. You haven't put those tits away in like 10 years shut up tamra you need a special party get out of here yeah and eddie's walking around with his like white button-down shirt open like he's on the cover of some romance novel i mean he has he has a better body than i do but still it was gorgeous like knowing him you know he gets less gorgeous and also knowing that you know like he gets naked

with tamra as gross but gorgeous guy my god she really though his facial hair his facial hair does not work for him it's like it's not a sexy five o'clock shadow it's just sort of like patchy and wrong well maybe it's so he doesn't have to kiss tamra too much you know because girls don't like a really rough face yeah um and also his waxing job. Very nice. Very nice. He gets like crazy ingrown hairs. I'm sure they're going to have a wild sex session later for hours listening to Lady Gaga.

Because as we all remember from several seasons ago, Eddie just loves blasting Lady Gaga while they have sex. Do you remember that? Yes. And then we see a clip of uh the bathtub scene which was gross enough the first time and then tamra explains to us why she's doing this sex video she's like well like sex sells you know like we're gonna do a commercial where everybody thinks we're having sex but then like you see us and we're just exercising in order to like have sex with each other in the future because like if one of us

misses a workout and gets fatter than the other one has sex with somebody else and it's the fat one's fault so thank you youtube has she learned nothing from the Celebrity Apprentice? Every single year on the Celebrity Apprentice, they have the celebrities are assigned a product that they have to make a viral video for, and they always say, well, you know what? Sex sells, and they make some awful innuendo-filled video that's just terrible and makes the audience be like, ugh. Yeah.

It's like some pro wrestler who you know smells like axe like up there in like short shorts and a poster board being like mints they would sexy men need it's like oh put on some clothes you d-lister get out of here it's a celebrity apprentice why are you taking yourself so low darling and the worst part about donald trump running for president and becoming a crazy racist or being more public about it is that now we don't have any more Celebrity Apprentice. And last season was so good. Oh, well, that show was too long for its own good anyway. I cannot sit there and watch like a two and a half hour show.

Sorry. I wouldn't spend that much time on those losers like if they were on an actual show. But Tamara isn't even on the Celebrity Apprentice. She's on YouTube. Oh,'s on youtube oh my god so anyway so the party's starting so megan um megan is driving to the party with uh jim and she's got like a little wig on she's like no one's gonna be able to recognize me and jim's like well you're the only six foot tall girl in the group and she's like why are you so crabby i'm like why are you calling me tall you know i hate that why are you being mean to me why are you being mean to me and calling me tall stop

bullying me and i like that she's like why are you so crabby i'm like do you guys realize that both of you guys are always crabby you guys are like the assholes from snl like you know like with kristen wigg and jason they get off on the crabby for sure i know but what i what i love to to show it's a show what i loved is jimmy gives like this does this total dick move because she's like why are you so crabby you always have like you always have something like why you say things in a nasty way and then he just turns on and goes that's what i'm always telling you all the time you have a way of saying things and you don't have that you don't like listen properly so i'm just showing it to you

i'm like oh god you're such an asshole yeah i mean i have to say that by the end of this episode i actually liked them as a couple and i liked him as a man well he actually handled the situation as well as one could expect but they also show how he wants to fly into a crazy screaming rage and like throw megan into a river but he finds a way to be like babe i love you you're amazing you just need to let it go and she's like okay but vicky's insane she's crazy it's like she keeps repeating over and he's like i tried but i want to fucking kill you it's almost almost cute, but also, like, of course, you know, a gross vibe from him, too. Not sure yet. Not sure. Yeah.

So then people start showing up at the party. Shannon shows up in a purple wig. Everyone's like, oh, Shannon. And Megan's like, you little whore, Shannon Bedore. And I was like, I imagine Shannon hearing the word whore and looking around like, David? David, where is she? Where is she? David? David? Megan said she saw a whore. She's tellingica she's trying to ruin our lives right on tv where

is she david where is she i like that they're showing they had this little uh i don't know if it was an incidental or if i was just not paying attention but they had this scene with shannon and it was like her and david getting along or something and there was heart music playing which is hilarious because the show pulled out art music specifically to mock this love scene with her and David because they never use that music. But it's like, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, or whatever. And Shannon's like, oh, look how nice David's being. You see, it's all been worth it. A lot of people would have run, but I stayed.

I stayed because when I run, I pee myself. And I didn't really have a choice. I couldn't walk fast enough enough i didn't want to pee on the ground and i stayed i'm here yeah it's like i know so we know that david's about to get caught like blowing some someone in a closet somewhere you know yeah because yeah i don't know why i don't think shannon necessarily deserves a medal for staying with a cheating bastard, by the way. And he's like, Dear, I'm sorry, dear, that I took you to a restaurant that you didn't like. She's like, it's not about the restaurant, David.

It's just that, you know, my 50th birthday was terrible, and I thought my 51st would be more than just a sports bar. Well, dear, I'm sorry, but I'll just work harder on it, dear. I know I'm a real fuck-up sometimes, dear, to this whole family. It's me who's caused all the problems.

Whoops, I have a business meeting, dear. So I'm going to leave you here with your negative thoughts, and I'll be right back after my business meeting is over, probably around 2.30 in the morning, and the bar's closed here. She's like, well, I'll be right here, because as we all know, I'm lying in my grave. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by David's infidelity. Because as we all know, I'm lying in my grave. Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by David's infidelity.

I'm writing on my invisible blackboard right now that you have promised to come back. And you have promised to continue this discussion where we left off. Consider it a blackboard bookmark, David. Okay, dear. Okay, dear. I'll be right back. Dear, have you seen the lube? I bought that new little tube of lube, dear.

I haven't seen it. David. Lube. David. David. What are you doing? Well, moisturizing, probably. I love that you little tube of lube, dear. I haven't seen it. David! Lube! David! What are you doing? Well, moisturizing, probably. I love that you take care of yourself, David. Do you do that for me? Oh, David. You see, it's all working out! Blink, blink, blink, blink.

I stayed and provided my husband with lube. I did not leave. I brought him the lube that he required. So, anyway. did not leave. I brought him the lube that he required. So anyway, when you have a 50-foot chandelier together, that is what, that's the sacrifice you make.

David, let's both stand by the switch and lower the chandelier together. Yes, dear. We did it for the chandelier. We would have done it for the children, but they have turned into hooligans who toilet paper other people's homes and then complain about writing sorry letters. So, sorry, girls.

Love your mother. Sorry. You see what's that so hard? David? The only reason why we have to lower and raise the chandelier over and over again is if we leave it too far down, the girls are going to teepee it.

And we cannot have that in this house. Especially if they refuse to apologize to it afterwards. And that's it. Though I don't want my chandelier having to deal with tweens, David. That's living with tweens, chandelier! I start pranks.

Not my daughters. If you want a prank, you watch me do it, okay? I was a rocker once I know how to prank okay so yeah Jimmy blah blah blah I love that David showed up in a dog collar hilarious how fitting

did you notice them showing David getting on one of those sex rings and then twirling around like a professional in Cirque du Soleil. What the fuck? He did like a hundred pearls. What was that? It was the most whimsical moment in Housewife history. David suddenly comes out as like a male dancer.

But that was some tricky shit. That wasn't just like, oh, it's a ring, dear. I'm going to crawl on the ring, dear, and hang on for dear life, dear. No, that was like talented Cirque du Soleil shit. Where did he learn that? I don't know. Maybe he was full of surprises.

Maybe he was doing some Sia action swinging from his own chandelier lately. David, I want a list of all the different versions of Cirque du Soleil that you have performed in with your girlfriend, statement. So then Vicky shows up and she's the only one not wearing a stupid wig. She shows up in like a white dress. She's like, I'm an angel. And I love how, you know, I mean, who cares? That's mom!

This is the mom party, right? Oh, you did not do that, Ronnie. So then I love how Megan, she's like, she's basically saying, fuck you, theme party. I'm like, no. She just decides she didn't want to dress up like an idiot.

You know, because sometimes when you get invited to a theme party, sometimes you just don't feel like dressing up. You know, it happens when you're an adult. She was like, you're saying fuck you to the theme. Just like the way Brooke says fuck you to chemo. Both party poopers. So what to them tall? Who cares? God. both party poopers yeah so what did i'm tall who cares so then we saw that yeah i mean i agree with megan that vicky said fuck you to the theme but like who cares still vicky is not well she is stupid but she's smart for housewife stuff and

she knows that she knows what tamra is doing and do we want to see vicky dressed up in that theme i don't think we do i was very happy that that Vicky was in her demure white dress. Just be happy about the doily dress and move on. So then we saw the video, which we already talked about. And then afterwards, there was a naked sushi model. And I was like, my first thought was, is this one of Lynn Curtin's daughters down there with the sushi on her face? No, she doesn't have a dick in her mouth. This girl was just posing with sushi on her face.

Yeah. Which was funny because later on, Vicky went up to her and was like, Hey, your mom would not be proud of you. No. Well, I hope you're enjoying serving mom shame because that's what your mom's eating tonight. My mom is very proud of me. Aren't you, mom? Oh, no.

Oh, God. My mom is very proud of me. Aren't you, mom? Oh, no. Oh, God. You're lucky that your mom is still alive and wasn't able to be put in this table that you're laying on like a whore. That's what you're lucky for, young lady. Put some clothes on and go to, you know, you're a beautiful girl, you know, so come work for Kodo Insurance.

Let me guess. Because we have sushi all the time. Yeah, we get Albertson sushi all the time at Kodo, okay? And you don't have to wear it on your implants. I mean, look how much did you pay for those things? And you're sitting here with fish on them. That's not good. That's not good for anybody. I hope you're using a non-allergenic body butter, by the way, Missy.

Here's what we're going to do, okay? We're going to put you in a full pantsuit, lie you on the conference room table, and put trays of sushi on top of you. You'll be totally healthy, and you don't have to be naked, okay? That's what we'll have you do. I'll be on the tray. You'll be on the tray.

We have Sushi Fridays, so for the rest of the time, we're going to just use you as the coffee tray, okay? You're just going to lay there, and we're going to balance some coffee pots on your implants, okay? I'd put a burner on you, but I'd have to sell you insurance first you'll get a discount because you kind of work there that poor girl laying there with the sushi and then being lectured by Vicky with her face looking upside down

and facing over her that's terrifying and by the way all the women were like I'm not going to have raw fish off this woman it's so unsanitary at this woman. It's so unsanitary. I'm like, at this party, this is the least unsanitary thing that's happening. You're fucking brooks. You don't get a say in sanitary anymore, okay?

You're saying sanitation is over, lady. And meanwhile, over in the corner, Heather is bleeding because she had a leech procedure done to her. And the leech has released anticoagulant, so she's been bleeding for the past day and has strapped maxi pads to her stomach. Megan's like, wow,

the only other one in this cast that has maxi pads in their house. Oh, ladies. oh my god she's like do you miss those maxi pads vicky he's like she's bleeding when's the last time any of you said that um yeah heather was gross and then terry had a matching one because they both got leeches together. Yeah. It's like the reason we do this is because sometimes people get their feelings hurt by cancer.

And you need to rejuvenate your inside coagulant vitamin packs. I'm like, Heather, please just stop. Why do they keep putting it to Heather? Heather's face kept getting bigger and longer during this episode. And she turned into Coraline's evil mom. And she never even got mad. I think it's the leeches. Yeah. I think she was actually having blood. When

Heather is having blood to pry from her brain, she becomes even-keeled. I think maybe that's why she hasn't been so nasty this season because she's been having leech therapy all this time and does not have enough blood in her system. The le have like slowly uh liquefied the stick up her ass and are eating it she's like i'm bleeding stick out my ass yeah and now the leeches are really nasty to

each other the leeches like the leeches are the leeches are walking up to each other and saying i would like you to leave my house right now the leeches i mean the leeches are like you do not my house right now. The leeches are, I mean, the leeches are like, you do not know how to respect cake. Get out. The leech is like, this is my chair. Okay, so you can get out of my chair. The other leeches are like, what is wrong with those leeches?

Oh, they've been, you know, they've been sucking on Heather Dubrow. Oh. She's like, I've been sucking on Tamara. Bitch. Bitch leech and uh leach uh vicky's describing the party she's like this party is so crazy i mean in here you got you know coralline's mom bleeding from the stomach because she put leeches on her her husband's got matching leeches then you've got a stripper out there laying down with sushi on her Lazy Susan implants. And then, you know, you look over here and you got Eddie, you know, pretending that he's not gay for our YouTube video.

What the heck is going on in the world? And amidst all this, Tamara has announced that the next day she's going to go consult a pastor about getting baptized. At her sex party. Yeah. Like two seconds after she put down the dildo. She's like, guys, Vicky, tomorrow's the day, bitch. I'm gonna go see a pastor.

And Vicky's like, really? Are you back into dairy now? She's like, no. For a baptism. She's like, oh. Oh, really? Tomorrow? You're gonna get baptized tomorrow? No, just planning it, bitch. And Eddie's like, what? When the hell?

When did you become Christian? Tamara's like, Eddie's like what when the hell Tamara when did you become Christian Tamara's like Eddie like I've been talking about nothing but Jesus for like weeks and he's like no you just say Jesus fucking Christ a lot when you like drop something in the kitchen I didn't know that meant like I was married to a fucking born again now she's like yeah

you did Eddie cause it's all I talk about I'm obsessed with that I'm obsessed with God batch tell everybody tell everybody I'm like, yeah, you did, Abby, because it's all I talk about. I'm obsessed with that. I'm obsessed with God, bitch. Tell everybody. Tell everybody. I'm like, oh, Tamara. Yeah. Your stripper outfit and your hamster face.

Stop. Well, of course, as Tamara wants to go down this religious path of higher enlightenment, that, of course, will not stop her from stirring the pot, which she does when she tries to get vicky and megan to hug she's like you guys hug now also and of course vicky has the most hilarious response she goes well you know you're not a nice person but i'll accept your apology wow you know you're a bad person you know you've been raised terribly but i'll accept your apology that's nice you know your heart is ugly your heart

is ugly and megan's like um stop like making fun of my tall heart like that's not cool you're only jealous of my heart because it's younger than you and it's like above your face like stop it's not nice and megan's like vicky's like what what did i do so what i mean you're a terrible i'm just saying you're a terrible person because you're a terrible person. Your heart is ugly. Yeah, your heart's ugly. If you don't like being a horrible person, then, you know, don't be a horrible person. Just be honest.

Megan's like, well, you know what? I know you cried about Cease of the Lion, but what about all the giraffes that were killed? What about all the tall animals? Why don't you cry for them too? I like that Vicky is in defense mode, which means anything that she's about to say is going to be wrong and completely unjustified, which it was. She was awful.

You're a horrible human being, Megan. You know what I hate? Horrible people like you. You know, Megan, I hope that tonight when you walk out into the street, you're really thinking about how you hurt me when you get hit by a bus and it kills you. That's what I'm hoping, Megan. And then Megan's like, why do you have to be such a bird brain? And then Vicky and Shannon, oh no, bird brain.

Bird brain, did you hear that? She called you a bird brain. Oh, a bird brain? Who talks to people like that? Who calls people a bird brain? You have no respect calling someone a bird brain, Missy. Well, it's funny because what I love is how Vicky doesn't even say these things in an accusatory way.

Like, you're evil. She just says it like, oh, well, it's just the way it is. You know, she's like, oh, well, you know, you're evil. You know, it's just like, you know what? Just lower your eyes because you're very evil, you know? And so, and I love how, like, so Megan calls Jimmy over and Jimmy comes over. And Vicky's like, you know, I feel sorry for you. I'm so sorry for you.

I feel for you because you're married to this one. You're married to this tall, tall person. This very tall person. She's so tall. I don't think that she's getting enough oxygen to her brain, so she's that stupid. She's evil up there. She's stupid. It's like going onto a ski slope. Do you ask the ski

slope questions? No, because it's really high up in the air. It doesn't know anything. It's a ski slope. That's what it's like being married to Megan, you know. You slip and you slide, and then boom, you're at the bottom. And you're like, how did I get to the bottom? And you know, you're at the bottom. And then you go find another hill to ski. Right, Jim? Am I right? And he's like, well, actually,

uh, Megan didn't mean to say that your man didn't have cancer. Oh, really? Yeah, he did. And Shannon's like, how would you feel? How would you feel if we said that Leanne didn't? Which is so tacky, by the Yeah, I did. And Shannon's like, how would you feel? How would you feel if we said that Leanne didn't... Which is so tacky, by the way, Shannon. She's like, what if we said Leanne didn't have cancer?

And he's like, I would go to get Leanne, and I would march down to the doctor and demand to see her records. And then I would take those records, and I would show everybody the records. And Vicky's like, oh, yeah, that's where we're different. We're different on that one. Nope, not going to the doctor. No records. Okay, I'm a finder. Have you heard about this, Jeff? I just yell and just say that she's evil.

That's how I handle it. And by the way, we have to mention the fact that after Megan called Vicky birdbrained, then they started to fight again. And Megan walked away, and Vicky goes, bye, Felicia. I was like, oh. Well, at least you got it right, unlike Heather from New York City. But, you know, it's bad news when Vicky is saying, bye Felicia. I was like, oh. Well, at least you got it right, unlike Heather from New York City.

But, you know, it's bad news when Vicky is saying bye Felicia. That's really bad news. Oh, God, I didn't even get that. That is hilarious. She said that. And meanwhile, Shannon has her eyes are wide open. Felicia? Who's Felicia? Felicia David?

I didn't know someone named Felicia was going to be here. Why didn't you tell me? I couldn't run a check on her. How do I know if David slept with this Felicia? Who's Felicia? I'm having negative thoughts now. Oh, Felicia. Poor Shannon. And Shannon's like going crazy trying to fight this other fight.

And she looks like an idiot because she's in a purple wig. But her leaning over Vicky, who also looks like an idiot in her non-costume, while they're shrieking at somebody's husband and calling his wife a bitch over and over again. And he's just staying as calm as can be, which is visibly

scaring Vicky. Not that she's scared of him abusing her, but afraid that someone else with an actual brain... She can't just push this guy around. He's not going to like I was impressed that he basically was and he was being during this like exasperated, tired way

of like, no she didn't mean it. She shouldn't have gotten involved. She should have, she overstepped her bounds, but what she meant from a good place. Yeah, but that's just the way it is and she apologized and I'm sorry. I, but that's just the way it is. And she apologized and I'm sorry.

And we're going to walk away. We're not going to say it again. We'll never say it over and over again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. And when they asked the questions, I loved his answers. Like telling her, well, actually,

I would march to the doctor and get the papers. Yeah. Because even if it was just said by a psychic, it would pique my curiosity and I would have to know. Becauseicky's like, oh yeah, no, I just ask him. That's where we're different. You know, he tells me I believe in binder. So, you know, it's good. I just have a binder of stuff that Brooks tells me

and, you know, it's on construction paper and a crayon and I put it in there and that's it. He did manage to sort of take, like, calm Vicky down. By the end, I mean, she was still riled up, but she was being a little bit more like, like she was, she was, she was, she was like, you know, she's like, she was like, well, but she was being a little bit more like like she was he wasn't attacking she was she was like you know what she's like with him because she was like well you classified her stupid ass yeah and she's like well because also you know what like he's able to to um to articulate

the situation much better than stupid megan you know so finally because like you know what i respect you but you know what though talk to me in five years when you're divorced jim you know which was by the way in horrible horrible thing to say because she just got though she's right you know someone just smacked vicky down in a fight and totally beat her hands down like everybody was embarrassed watching it because he was just beating her yeah so bad so then he just walks away from her which no one walks away from vicky so he walks away from her, which no one walks away from Vicky. So he walks away from her, and she's mortified and babbling like an idiot to herself. And, you know, to Vicky, not only is it a strong man, but it's someone way richer than her. And if there's one thing that Vicky actually respects in the world, it's money.

He works. So that guy just won on every account, walked away, blew her off. And she was like, oh, I've got late jumbo. Have fun in five years when you're getting a divorce. And then, of course, walks right back over to him. Oh, I sincerely apologize about calling your stupid wife stupid. Oh, gosh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope you still need insurance.

She's only evil. She's only evil, not stupid. But then, so then Jimmy yells at Megan, and he's like, like, please don't ever don't put me in that position ever again. And she's like, and he's like, don't put me in that position ever again. And she's like, no, no, no. And he's like, don't put me in that position. You should have just shut up.

And so then she walks in. She's like, my husband's being a dick. Being a dick. Shut up. That poor friend has to listen to Megan's constantly changing hatreds. It's like, how many times has she stomped up to that girl? Like, dick is a bitch. My husband's's a dick that waiter brought me champs i'm not drinking that stupid that's heather's thing i need my own brand everything's stupid you know what i hate i hate

when i go to starbucks and they ask me what size they suggest tall i'm like are you saying that because i'm tall it's so. It's like star bullying. No, well, the best part is at the very end of the episode, so Jimmy and Megan were driving home, and they're sort of hashing it out, and Jimmy was saying, you know what? I always support you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Megan's like, she describes why she even got into it with Vicky. She goes, I care because justice cares.

You know me and justice. He's like, yeah, okay, you need to stop watching Law and Order. Yeah, I care about justice. You know me and justice, you know, like, working for those pharmaceutical companies. That's all we stand for. Justice.

Like, we just want to make sure the proper medication gets into the right people, and we're totally not trying to just sell people random prescriptions for diseases that don't exist jim it's called justice okay you know me and justice shut up megan you're like married to a guy for like the third it's like his third shut up with your sense of justice i know she's like i'm basically on the back of xy furniture i know she's like i'm basically the the Batman of Orange County because I care about justice so much. I'm like the chick in the justice statue that's like holding the weighing trays and like weighing stuff with a blindfold on.

And I'm like, you know what? These scales are uneven. I need justice because me and justice, right, man? He's like, oh, shut up. Please shut up. And by the way, there was absolutely nothing in this fight that had anything to do with justice.

Nothing. Yeah, nothing. And then Shannon's in the background like, why is Megan holding scales? That's not nice. Oh, great. Miss 30-year-old's calling me fat. It must be my hungry eyes.

Great. And notice the way that she has a blindfold on because she doesn't want people to see her justice eyes. Justice is blind? I doubt it. Megan, keep poking with your justice, Megan. Justice is blind? I wish you were, so I didn't see your disapproval

while you looked at my horribly fat body. I start justice. Megan. Megan, your justice eyes. Don't grow stones if you live in the mid east I started that Megan

I started that who's this so justice I'm I don't know so next week looks amazing

Vicky's like oh really well everybody who's still here at this sex party that I won't celebrate because I don't want to have sex with cancer. Cancer loves sex.

The other day, Brooks was feeling so bad from his non-cancer that he went golfing with Jimmy. And Jimmy told him that he was miserable more than half the time in their marriage. That's a huge rate for insurance. Here we go. Here we go. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. Here we go. Here we go. It's going to be good. It's going to be great. Can't wait.

And also Shannon gets a fancy evening at home with David. They're all dressed up in formal clothes and the kids are serving them and they're like, we just want to make your marriage better. And it's so heartbreaking and sad. And then Shannon's like, the service here is terrible. Why would you bring me to a place like this? Well, I hate everybody who works here.

David, David, how could you do this to me two years and two days apart in a row? David, David, the children put too much sugar in this sauce. David, David. David, did you take your mistress here to this restaurant? This is the only restaurant we can go to in town that you haven't taken your mistress, and the staff sucks, David

Thanks a lot I'm officially never eating again Which I guess everyone else is going to be happy about Since they constantly make fun of my fat body So David, is this the deal now? You've gone to so many restaurants That the staff even knows about our relationship troubles David

David You took your mistress here, didn't you? Can I even do laundry anymore, David? Have you had sex with the laundry detergent, David? Just tell me! I'm not sure if I can have whoopie with you tonight. I'm not sure I can even be intimate. Yes, dear.

Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Just put some sauce on it, dear. Just put some sauce on it. Been striking out a lot, dear. I'm sorry. Everything's my fault, dear. Oh, David, don't start that with me. Oh, no, it, dear. Just put some sauce on it. Been striking out a lot, dear. I'm sorry. Everything's my fault, dear.

Oh, David, don't start that with me. Oh, no, no, no. No, dear. I wasn't saying that, dear. I wasn't being passive aggressive. I was just referencing the fact that everything is indeed my fault. Dear, I was paying attention to you, but in my mind, I was having sake with some friends on the way to a trip. David, how could you do that?

David had some sake in his mind. Well, that's great. David never used to drink in his mind. Now he drinks in his mind all the time. How are you going to get an angry stomach if you're only drinking in your mind? Answer that. Answer

Dr. Moon's question. Checkmark. David, I don't want you driving the car if you've been drinking in your mind. David, you can drink in your mind, but do not let your mind drive, David. Okay? David got a DUDI, driving under the dreaming influence. David, this is embarrassing. David, in this dream life that you're living...

Have you cheated? And he's like, yes, it was the best dream time of my life, but I know I hurt my dream family, so I'm really sorry. Well, that's fine. I'll go to sleep tonight and go to the Dream Walgreens and get you some poster board and some glitter glue, and you can tell the Dream Kids all about it tomorrow in our dream meeting. Okay, dear.

David, have you been drinking with Freddy Krueger? David? David. He's very dangerous. I don't want you bringing him around. I don't like these people you're hanging out with. I don't like this new crowd you're hanging out with, David. I cannot sleep. I've been up for five days on butterfly spinal fluid because

if I go to sleep, David is going to have an affair with Freddy Krueger. And that's just it. That's just it. No more sleep for me, David. David, I want you to return the Casper mattress. It makes me go to sleep too easily. We're just gonna stand from now on at night.

Oh, God. Tired eyes. They're new and they're mad at angry eyes. Here we go. We should officially just take a nap at this point. I know. But you know what, though? That was so fun. Ronnie, I can't take a nap right now.

You know why? Because my time is precious. All right? Oh, no. And your time is precious, too. And I know you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there, but who has the time to sift through all the nonsense of the internet? Am I right? You are,

Ben. Keep telling me more. Well, for those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste it finding it, there's Nextissue. Nextissue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your phone or tablet.

Shall I tell you more? Please, Ben. Keep telling me. Well, next issue has all sorts of iconic magazines like People, Vogue, Esquire Time, and more. And next issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for a richer reading experience. Shall I go on? No, you guys. Stop listening to Ben and start listening to me.

Sign up for Next Issue right now. You'll get immediate access to all the top magazines, including back issues and exclusive videos and photos. You know what you can't do on a People magazine? You cannot click on the picture of Kate plus eight. Nothing happens. But on our next issue, you can see Kate moving around in a circle. You can judge every angle of that bad Kate haircut.

Yeah, and I've mentioned this last week, and I'll mention it again. I have actually discovered that next issue is a great thing to look at when you're sitting on the toilet. Well, Ben, don't forget to read our Facebook page while you're on there. That's a lot of toilet reading. You're going to get a hemorrhoid. Well, I don't look at Next Issue every time I'm on the toilet. I sort of alternate.

Afternoon, poop. Well, I think I subscribe to Men's Health and Men's Fitness partially for the pictures, but honestly, I was like, oh, these are some good tips that, of course, I never follow. But they, there's, oh, and I also went on to – I subscribed to Bon Appetit. They sort of are at cross purposes, subscribing to Bon Appetit and Men's Health.

But, you know, life is full of contradictions. No, they're not because, you know what? Pictures of food cannot make you fat. That's right. That's right. You keep subscribing, Dunning. Just don't actually make anything from there. Or do push-ups.

They're both awful experiences. Well, you know what? The best part is that Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crabbins. That's right. You can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crabbins. Hashtag afternoon poop. Yay.

Yay. Hashtag afternoon poop. Thanks, Next Issue, for being with us, darlings. It's actually a really good thing. And I'm loving using it. I actually am really loving using it. So let's move on to Real Housewives of New York City

reunion part three. Oh my god. You know they're scraping the... I'm sorry, I'm adjusting my mic. Sorry if there's a funny noise there. Couch desk issue. Couch desk. Readjust before I become a part of this cheap

ass leather. Okay. Am I right, girls? Anyway, oh yeah, that's a callback to Christian Date from Vanderpump's Rules doing stand-up, which is in the bonus episode. Check it out. So anyway, New York, they're scraping the bottom of the barrel when 15 entire minutes are devoted to Sonya's non-business.

I mean, my God, that whole first part was Sonya, and it was like just listening to crazy crazy blabbery nonsense over and over again. What I liked about it was Heather insisting that she was supportive of Sonia after we saw an entire montage of her being the exact opposite. She's like, well, this is not a collection. Well, I'd like to see it.

Where are the buyers? I don't know. I mean, she has nothing. All I said was one dress does not a collection make. I didn't make up the rules about what a collection is or isn't. The fashion industry did. And according to them, Sonia's not doing anything. That's all I said. I said it supportively. She's like, hey, mama, that's all.

You know, I mean, I just I don't think it's a real brand. I don't there's no inventory, but I'm totally supportive. There's no inventory. You know, I mean, it's's a real brand. There's no inventory, but I'm totally supportive. There's no inventory. You know, I mean, it's like your foyer. There's nothing in there except cold, you know, and that's what your business is like. You've left me standing alone in the cold, bitch. Goodbye, Felicia Fashioner. I love how this started, though, because Andy is just such a bitch. He's like, well, earlier this season, everybody was making fun of one particular face that you can't even recognize anymore.

They were calling her Scarlet D for delusional. Somewhere a Shaw's waiting for a toaster that will never arrive. I know. And her name is Sonia. that will never arrive. I know. And her name is Sonia, and she's a loser and probably freezing

from the cold weather last night because she doesn't have a heater. Sonia, how you doing, hon? Well, Sonia probably heard it as, but you know, like, Sonia hears it as, well, this season started with a fashion impresario

who had the top members of the world coming, like Madonna and JonJon from the grave and Princess Di and Anna. And what's her face? And also Kristen made fun of your toaster. Yeah. Yeah, and Kristen made fun of your toaster. The best part was that Sonia was saying that Madonna came to the fashion show,

but she didn't come inside because there was no security at the front door. That made no sense. I was like, what? She's crazy. I called her out on that Madonna thing, and she's like, she did come. She was outside. Security. And they're like, uh.

She was in England. They were like, she was in England, Sonia. She's like, no. She was there. No, she wasn't. She was there. She was there holding the only bagel she's ever held because she needed it to get toasted. So don't say anything bad about my toaster because how dare you?

I am an international brand. And Andy's like, so I know what you're all thinking at home now about this stupid, delusional brocore. Let's ask Bethany what she thinks. Oh, my God. You know what I think? You know what I think? I actually have an international brand. If you ask me a question about an international brand, I'm going to be on the floor crying, okay? Because it's just too much for me to deal with. Too many brands happening. Too much is happening.

There's no brand. My walls are up. I'm crying. I'm crying over the brands. Here comes brand number one. Here comes international brand number one. Around the circle, here comes international brand number two. International two is coming up on international one. Wait, wait, wait. You know what horse I don't see? International brand Sonia. Don't see it.

But my international horse is coming around the bend, and it looks like I'm going to win. And thank God I put a dollar on it, even though I don't gamble. I don't gamble. I don't know gambling. Who's gambling? What? Huh? What?

What did you ask me? What are we talking about? Literally, kill me right now. Kill me right now. Like, there's no inventory, okay? And it's supposed to be in shelves like three weeks ago. Like, you know what? I have an international brand.

It's like too much for me. I mean, seriously, enough. Like, just stab me in the heart, okay? I can't deal with it, okay? I just want to cry, okay? Walls are up. Eric Stone Street crying on the floor. Eric Stone Street, lock on the pantry because I know you, and I like you now. You know I know you. I want your heart to last. So lock on the pantry. Stop crying.

Eric Stone Street's crying, coming around the corner, crying, crying, crying. Take a seat. It's going slow. Number one's lapping him. Number one's lapping Eric Stonestreet. Lapped Eric Stonestreet. Suck it. I mean, I don't need to compete with my man. I don't need to compete with the man.

Who is that? I'm an international brand. She's nuts. And they were all so tired by this time. Yeah. And it was just so funny because Sonia couldn't even remember what lie she told when about what. They're like, so, Sonia, this team of yours, it's their job, right? She's like, yes, what they're like so sonia uh this team of yours it's their job right she's like yes you know but they're not you know they're not my team it's like i own 50 and then

they share the rest oh okay so they're like your consultants yeah no no they're not consultants no they're employees no they're employed no no we're partners it's a quite i think actually at this point i zoned out because it was just like minutiae about... And then they cut to the partners and he's like, listen here, this is where it goes. And then the other one's like, I know it sounds crazy, but like internationally store funding in the thing. Okay. And that's what I'm saying. We can't talk about it because we're in talks.

But my favorite part of the entire thing was when the women decided they just wanted to, like, put it to sleep. Sonya goes, I'm realizing my dream. And then Heather and Kristen gave these really patronizing claps. They're like, golf clap, golf clap. Like, congratulations, Sonya. Sonya's like, my dream was to have a website where women would wear clothes that Indian men couldn't describe. And I've accomplished it. And they're like, you know that the website doesn't work, right?

Like you click on something to buy it and you can't. She's like, well, it's the marketing. The website is the marketing. And then the clothes. And then Ramona suddenly pipes up out of nowhere as the expert on something suddenly. And she's like, well, you know what? Here's how it works. It's not like the old days

where they would make a thousand dresses of the same kind and you could just go to the fashion industry district and you could say, hey there, Cho, I need this dress. And he'd be like, okay, I have a 500. Like you can't do that now because it's all different. So now if you want a dress, now you go on the internet and then you pay five thousand dollars to sonia and then you just wait for a

truck to pass and for it to fall out of it because mario didn't secure it enough when you stole it in the first place okay okay uh-huh you know i'm sorry but now when you want to dress and you go on the internet they cut it to order i'm'm sorry. This is the new world, okay? Because one time when I was a kid, I once called up a department store. I said, hey, can I get a dress? I want it to be yellow. I want it to remind me of sunshine. And they said, no, the only dresses we have are in Ramona blue.

I said, okay, great. I love Ramona blue. That's my name. That's my color. Okay. And they said, okay. So wait 30 minutes. And when you hear the doorbell, it's the dress.

And so the doorbell rang and I opened the door. I was Geraldine Parsons Smith. And she said, no dress for you. I, and when you hear the doorbell, it's the dress. And so the doorbell rang, and I opened the door, and it was Geraldine Parsons-Smith. And she said, no dress for you. I stole it. So that's when I learned I have to steal dresses if I want to get my dresses, okay? Sorry. You can't go on the website right now and find a dress because it's not like the old days where there was just all this shiny material laying around for people to make dresses with. And so now there's not as much shiny material because of global warming.

And it's like when I was a little girl and I wanted a dress because it was really hot in our house. And my dad was being really nice to me and my mom. And I said, mom, I want a new dress. And he said, you're a stupid bitch. And so now when I think of global warming, I think about my dad being mean to me

in the house in the Berkshires. And that's why I'm wearing a shiny dress and the air conditioning, okay? And then he threw spaghetti at my mom's face. Okay. So you know what? I don't buy dresses anymore. I just steal them.

That's why I'm here naked today. I just steal them from Bethany. Okay. I'm sorry. It's day class. You know what? It's okay. It's a new me.

It's a new me. I wanted to say i did a show last week and uh i had to we were supposed to do like a an avant-garde piece it was an art gallery which of course horrifies me because like i'm not artistic like those people can see right through me they're like you fake loud mouth piece of shit anyway so i did the show and i was like well it would be avant-garde of me for this audience to read excerpts from the housewives books because that shit's hilarious and i know these people don't know what the fuck i'm talking about right so i started with ramona's book and i hadn't pre-read anything i just downloaded the samples off amazon you know

ramona i had to stop the whole thing because ramona is so gross. She's like, hi, I'm reading a book. You know, you're reading this book because I'm famous. And I just wanted to say, you know, I'm a victim of abuse. And I couldn't find true renewal until I started to look at the abuse on the show. Okay. And so I see myself on the show. And I think about the abuse and all the true renewal it brought me. And I'm like, are you really plugging your skincare line over and over again while using domestic abuse in your pitch in a biography?

You tacky fucking bitch. Like, seriously. Gross, Ramona. Gross. Gross. So then we moved on to an extended montage and segment about a widow montage, which was serious and fine, whatever. My favorite

part, though, is when Dorinda started to describe how it affected, you know, how it helped her relationship with Carol and made them friends and everything. And she was like, Dorinda literally pulled out yet another strange metaphor. She's like, you know what? You know what, Mr. Jetson? Sometimes

death is like a warm pillow. You get this warm pillow and I get this warm pillow. And now we're in bed sharing a pillow together. We are in a bed with a pillow. And like my husband said, I'm like, mine too! And then we're like friends, you know? Because you're like sharing a pillow, a dead husband pillow, with the bed.

You know what I mean? Like, it was amazing. Okay, we were in a gown. I like sharing a pillow with all of us. Well, she gets a pillow and I get a pillow, a dead husband pillow, with the bed. You know what I mean? Like, it was amazing. It was like, okay, we were in a gown. I like sharing a pillow with all of us. Well, she gets a pillow, and I get a pillow, but the best part is that we're all in a potato sack together. And I decided I was going to customize my pillow, so I took out the chaos crayon and just

drew it on Drez. So you better back up. Back up with your pillow, okay? Back up slowly. Carol, like, she loved the death pillow so much, she was going to learn to stitch, you know, because like, this thing Carol, like, she loved the death pillow so much, she was going to learn to stitch, you know, because, like, the thing where, like, the ladies, they sit around and they stitch a bit, you know? So we were, like, sitting around, going to learn,

and I was like, oh, my God, you're stabbing your dead husband. And then Carol was like, oh, it's so hard for me to feel things. And we, like, bonded, you know what I mean? Because, like, dead husband pillow, it's, like, between us. I slept so well. The life from London was like you better back it up. You better back it up with blackout curtains

because I want the light. I want the light, the London light. It's different, you know. It's life before and life after. It's a habit. It's wonderful. It was so wonderful being with Carol in London because she learned how different the light is.

You know what I mean? She was coke out of her mind. What was wrong with her? She looked totally cornered. She looked like a cornered rescue dog. Just terrified. She's like, Remember that time that I met you?

The first time I met her was so funny because it was this event and I came up to it. I was like, Carol, my husband's dead too. And then you were like, what, like looking around the room, remember? And then Carol's like, no. She's like, yeah, remember? Because that's like the first time I met you. It's like I was the fan of yours, Mr. Jensen, you know?

Like I'm just spitting around like vacuuming this room in like a Ritz-Carlton or something like some event, right? And then Carol's there, and I was like, oh my god, we both have dead husbands. We're right, remember, Carol, remember? And Carol's like, no. Yeah, she's like, hey, you're different. She's like, and you went

running away from me, and I was like, why are you running away? We both have dead husbands. Hey, if you don't want a sandwich, don't have a sandwich, but you know what? I can't help it. We both have dead husbands, you know? Lady Gaga. Without a pillow, your neck's gonna hurt the next day right but i knew one day we were friends that i could explain it was it was all gonna be okay because then we're friends right carol right and then meanwhile carol's like looking terrified on the other side like flashbacks of aviva dresser

coming up to be like i am such a fan but you didn't write your book okay so um meanwhile and all of this ramona just falls asleep. She just passes. Ramona falls asleep. And that's funny. I rewound. And you don't notice it while it's happening, but the editors are intersplicing cuts of Ramona, you know, getting groggier and groggier and groggier. Like, her blinks are getting slower.

And then, finally, she just passes out. like her her blinks are getting slower and then finally just passes out and then of course when they're like ramona did you fall asleep and the when she puts up her fingers at number three and she goes she had three glasses like oh that's great girl code yeah she's like yeah doing the drink the air drink back she's like i'm drunk am i right drunk drunk completely shit-faced it's not funny i'm just pointing it out right? Drunk. Drunk. Completely shit-faced. Isn't that funny? I'm just pointing it out because we're friends, darling. We're friends. That's why I'm telling the world you're drunk.

It's not girl code. Just because I'm humiliating you on TV does not mean it's a violation of girl code. Of course not. Listen to the song. I mean, that's why lyrics exist, to teach you things. Let's just be a teachable three and a half minutes of your life and listen to the song on itunes okay um i this whole carol carol the whole carol thing is really weird to me this reunion because she looks so different first of all she's figured out some new spray tan it's no longer orange it's like brown which i said before but it's like pink brown

now today i like i like carol brown. I liked Carol's skin tone. I thought Carol looked really good. Changed person in a Native American casino Indian store, but still like her, but she's just blinking confusedly, and then they were showing that whole montage of

the dead husband thing in London, and I thought, this is the wackiest relationship. Carol went to London and is bringing home her old man husband who's dead to meet her young man guy. They're all going to be living together.

This is going to be wacky! And Dorinda's going to be like the Larry in the Three's Company like, ah, just say goodbye and let me like wriggle-beagle fuck you like that wriggle-beagle! I'm going to love this wacky, like your young guy and your ghost husband and your wacky friend Dorinda.

Yeah. Yeah, it was... And Luanne always trying to catch you in something. Yeah. Well, I heard. That's not what's happening? Oh, I'm so glad to hear that I just misunderstood everything. I love that Luanne's become a master of, like, when she just wants

to deflect something, she puts her hand up and she just paws it away, like, oh, well, whatever. Well, we all get drunk, but, you know, whatever, and she just paws at the air, like, whatever. I mean, I didn't even mean to say that. Luann was the Countess, and then she was

Luann, and then she was, like, this weird Countess-Luann hybrid last year, and now she's Luann and then she was like this weird Countess Luann hybrid last year and now she's just like large Marge. She's just like some fucking cursing trucker who bends over and puts her elbow on her knee when she's yelling at somebody, which I've never seen her do. Her face

contorts when she's yelling. I don't know if she's drinking or what, but I'm loving it. Whatever it is, keep it up, Dunning. Well, this beastly new Luann came out in the last 20 minutes or so of the show when they started getting into Turks and Caicos. And the first thing is, first Andy asks Ramona why she is so crazy when she's looking for bathrooms whenever she goes into a new house. Like, why is she such a deranged tourist? And I love ramona's like you know what i'm a creature of habit okay i can't help it okay you know what when i go into a house i need to find a bathroom immediately okay i'm sorry i just need it i love that i love and i loved how that question was phrased as well. And he's like, so, Ramona, Natalie from Massachusetts, Rhode Island, wants to know why you're a cut fitness.

She's like, well, look, you know, sometimes, like, you are who you are. You're in the Turks and Caicos. Like, who am I? I'm Ramona. You know, like if they had those little stick of things that you would put on your shiny dress. It took, like, five months to get here after paying $5,000 because things don't work the way they used to. I would write, hello, my name is Ramona.

Okay. And then I would wear it. And then no one would ask who I am all the time. Like, why do you have to ask who I am? I'm Ramona. Okay. That's what I do. Okay.

Okay. I'm not sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I'm sorry for not being sorry. So there you go. Yeah. So then there's a talk about drunkenness. This cracked me up.

When Sonya was saying that Luann doesn't put her to bed. And Luann looked like she was going to lose her shit. Because you know that Luann has probably put Sonya to bed many, many, many, many times. And Luann put her hands up to her head. It was like, uh. Like she was having a countess meltdown. It was great. It was great it was great so good and then dorinda gets coked up again the third hour was actually the best which doesn't

always happen and it was the best because they were literally falling asleep yeah and they were just all crazy bethany kept going into these crazy rants that didn't mean anything she was like squatting on the floor she's like what what like like what it's a vagina like what what do i have to show my vagina look i'll show it i'll be on the floor squeezing my vagina okay okay i'm like what is going on on this show and then dorinda starts babbling again she's like it's a funny like no one even called me dorinda in london that's like no one even called me that they called me doris yeah that's why she was calling me that because like in london like they don't call call me Dorinda because it's hard or something, so they call me Doris. It's so funny. And Richard,

all he cared about was looking at me. I was his entertainment. Even if I baked the cake, he'd be like, Oh my God, you baked the cake! Am I right, guys? Isn't that crazy? I don't want to cuddle with the dead husband. Come on, guys. Let's cuddle up with the blanket. Come on. Cuddle up with the pillow.

Cuddle up. Cuddle up, guys. Am cuddle up, guys You're obviously coked out of your mind Please be quiet You're not making the suit good for yourself I know, I also loved I guess eventually There was a lot of talk about various things happening But for me, it only got really interesting When they started talking about the whole incident

And so Andy asked Ramona and Luann to describe what happened. Who were the guys, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So I love how Ramona starts off. It's like, well, you know what? We all went out.

We went to a karaoke bar, you know? Like, I think it was karaoke. Karaoke? Is that how you say it? Kadoos. It's the pudding. It's the pudding.

It's the pudding that's made out of rice, okay? You know, I sang a song and they all gave me kadoos for it, okay? I sang a very good song. It's called We Are the World, which is a song about bathrooms around the world. Anyway, we went to a karaoke bar and we brought some guys back. That's all. We brought some guys back. So what? So we were to a karaoke bar and we brought some guys we brought some guys back that's all we brought some guys back so what so we were at the karaoke bar and this guy he was really tired and he was like can i just sleep here because i'm tired and i was like sure uh really he's gonna sleep at the karaoke bar you just gave him permission to sleep at the karaoke bar ramona

then how did he end up at your house no no she said no they went back to the house and he he didn't want. She was like, we're having fun. And he's like, can I stay here? And I was like, who am I? What do I know? Maybe this is what people do. I don't know.

I don't date. I'm new. I'm new. It's all renewal. Dating. What? Huh? Okay.

I was drunk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Take a Xanax. Okay. I'm sorry.

I was drunk. I told him just to go into a bed. I said, listen. Listen. Get into the bed now there are girls up there so you absolutely cannot use the bathroom okay and then you have to leave

before anyone sees you okay which I guarantee none of that happened that's the only thing that mattered she's like look I told him don't use the bathroom okay you can't pee here or poo or wash your hands okay like I set down the rules. Like so it was a stranger.

Like maybe he could rape you, but he wouldn't leave pee sprinkles on the seat. Okay. Like I did my duty. I'm a friend. Girl code. And Andy's like, is that girl code? She's like, I didn't write this song. Why do I have to have girl code?

You know, like I have renewal. I'm renewed. Like girl code, that's Luann's thing. Ask Luann. Meanwhile, Luann, they start asking Luann. They're asking Luann about this married guy that she apparently hooked up with. And Luann's like, oh, well, he was getting divorced, but you know, whatever, it's not important.

And then they're like, well, so Luann, who is this guy? And she's like, well, I wasn't with the married man. We just merely walked to the beach. And they're like, no. No, because they were like, what about the walk on the beach? She's like, beach? What beach? I've never seen a beach. Walking on a beach? What are you talking about? And they're like, yeah, Because they were like, what about the walk on the beach? She's like, beach? What beach? I've never seen a beach. Walking on a beach?

What are you talking about? And they're like, yeah, you walked with him on the beach. And then you brought him home and fucked him even though he had a wedding ring on. She's like, oh. A wedding ring? What? What? What's a wedding ring?

I mean, what is that? It's like a ring that people, I mean, what do I know? It's a ring. Like, what do I know? I'm not going to judge somebody's ring. Who am I? I'm my own woman. I can do whatever I want. Yeah judge somebody's ring. Who am I? I'm my own woman. I can do whatever I want.

Yeah, then she gets mad. She goes, I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want. Well, Luanne, you were the one who's just been, like, lambasting, lambasting, lambasting, whatever, Carol for, like, a whole episode earlier about the fact that she is, like, boinking at him. So why is it that if you're a grown woman you can do whatever you want but carol apparently is not allowed to do whatever she wants well okay so maybe he was married but at least he wasn't married to somebody who dated my niece because that would be a murderable offense and i would murder him that's not girl code and at least

he didn't walk into my room without asking which bethany was my hero yet again in this section because when she was like what are you what are you pretending that you didn't purposely go in there thinking she had a man you just said you thought she had a man there that was married like you just said it right now you just said it right now you just said right now that you thought she was with a married man in there and then you go in there i mean what were you trying to do i mean come on what were you trying to do do you know her do i know you i mean i know you I know you. I know you, right? Because of you, I know. Because otherwise, if you wouldn't do that, then I don't know you. I don't know who you are.

Who are you? I'm sleeping. Bethany was good because she was basically, I mean, she did tell Heather, like, okay, you're doing like the Scarlett O'Hara thing. You're being overly dramatic about the situation. I mean, like, you could have felt violated, but you were being, like, out of control crazy. There's a man in our room and then but what i loved though is that luanne would not shut up about the fact that they went into a room without knocking she's like so

what were you doing in my room what were you doing my room i'm like luanne can't you see the footage i mean it's it's obvious that heather has lost her mind they were not going in there to bust you they were though i totally agree that they. They were totally busting her on purpose. Even when they confronted Carol and Bethany's like, you totally did. You just said that you knew that she was in there with some married guy, and then you burst in there with cameras. And Carol's

like, well, I didn't think she would be that stupid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They, if they wanted, if they were trying to bust Luann, they would have gone to Luann first. I'm sorry. They went to, they went to Ramona. Like Heather was just being a lunatic. Ramona says, talk to Luann. So Heather goes and barges into Luann's room. I think they barged in and Luann's like, huh? And then Luann has this whole thing. Cause she probably just kicked a guy out of her bed probably about 20 minutes before. It was probably a close call. And so

that's why Luann is incensed because it could have close call and so that's why luanne is incensed because it could have been caught and that's why she keeps on saying this thing like what if my son had seen well it's like you know what if you didn't want your son to see anything you probably should have not brought a guy home i mean it's like and what did she say something like uh oh god but johnny depp oh my god if my son knew could you imagine didn't she say something like that well they were talking about that because andy andy was kind of what andy was trying to say was listen you've been caught before you you know you know not to get caught again so why you there are tons of cameras so why are you acting surprised that the cameras would be there because luan was like i was stampeded by cameras

stampeded you know and then that's when Bethany was like, okay, now you're being like Scarlett O'Hara. O'Hara. O'Hara. That would be funny. It's like the most tame Scarlett O'Hara ever, Scarlett Johansson. She'd just be like,

I'm never going to be poor again. And then she turns into a USB drive. Joaquin is all jerking off to her home lily in the background but um but i but you know i think that's what andy is getting to you know andy andy's saying andy of course being a total bitch again was like well we all remember last year when wacky luann was caught fucking johnny dapp on camera then there was a time like he goes through all this stuff where they caught Luann, and he's like, Luann, why are you so stupid? You know there's cameras. And I think Luann's,

if I had to guess, from knowing this crazy bitch only from the show, my guess would be her thought was, but I know their schedule. If I'm going to fuck a guy on vacation, I know when to fuck him when there's not cameras around. And I know when to get him out of my room when there's not cameras around. So when I have two old harp out of my room when there's not cameras around.

So when I have two old harpies coming into my room screaming about how I just fucked somebody, that's not girl code. And I see what she's saying. Like, she's – I get it. Yeah, but – I went to a lot of – No, no. I think – There were no cameras around.

How dare you? No, no, no. She is blaming them. Like, I can understand why she was annoyed. Yeah, let her be annoyed. She should have been annoyed. And she should have, like, at this point, she just should have dropped it. It's just such a, she's, the outrage is so above and beyond.

It's just making yourself look way worse. The thing is that, like, ultimately, you can't be mad at them if you're the one doing the indiscretion, you know? Like, the girl, it's not up to them. If they're losing their mind, like, I can't be mad at them if you're the one doing the indiscretion. It's not up to them. If they're losing their mind, I don't know. I just don't. I understand why she's annoyed. And she's allowed to be annoyed. And she's allowed to say, you know what, next time, please not, because I could have had a guy in there.

And then that's it. Yeah, but then to make the rest of the season about slut-shaming Carol for fucking some guy that she doesn't even care about. Pulling her niece into it and doing all that well and for her to have this this this insanity on the reunion when she's like you totally violated my privacy imagine if my son had seen that on tv you know oh really because he saw you wasted the next day on camera in a bikini like yeah slurring out be cool don't be uncool like the thing that was so funny about that was because it was just so like crazy and off the cuff for her to say because she basically let her stomach out yeah you know like she couldn't hold she couldn't hold her real personality in for a second and i love yes that's what was so funny and when they're showing the clip of it it's like her looking like

an ass but she's just sitting there on the couch laughing like it's the funniest thing and oh god this season was fun it's like you look like a drunk idiot on tv well that was her best moment i know that was her best moment her best moment was being was was uh it came from her being an ass uh without even knowing what she was also but she was also at that moment she was telling everyone to chill the fuck out it It's no big deal. So that's why it doesn't make any sense. I mean, it does. But it's like, it seems so counterintuitive that then she would now be still, like, having these, like, these moments of outrage when she was telling people to just relax, no big deal. And then she starts, then she's sitting here saying, on the reading, being like, I mean, could you imagine?

I was fast asleep. I mean, calm down. My favorite was when Sonia, she goes, let's just move the table and put the mud in. I laughed out loud at that. But then the strangest part of all. So finally, Luanne's like, listen, I get it, Heather, that, you know, you were upset by a man there. But like you walked in and Heather's like, well, thank you for saying that you understand why I was upset.

That's all I've been asking. And Luanne's like, oh. And then she gets up and gives her, like, a strange Danielle Staub hug, you know? And I was like... That was weird, because she was... Well, because... She's like, look, all I wanted was a little privacy,

because you know how sensitive I am when I'm fucking a married person in the room. You know, Heather. All I wanted was you to be my girlfriend. And Heather goes, oh, I'm sorry. Which I thought sounded sarcastic. Yeah, that's what I thought. And then Luann took it seriously.

So Luann's like, oh, okay. So Luann goes, fuck. Yeah, Luann at least knows when she's lost the 20th time. Yeah. Oh, my God. And it looked like, and then she said to Carol Razzle, she's like, she's like,

well, I'm still not sure if I'm ready for you yet, Radzi, but it was sort of set in a jokey tone, which makes you think that maybe that's going in the right direction. I don't know. It was so bizarre. This whole part was amazing because they all just got up and pretended it was over and started hugging each other.

And Andy was like, okay, whatever. Like, let him, let him finish. finish so good it was so good this show is so crazy oh we missed the whole part

of Kristen after the whole sequence Kristen going Ramona listen here from someone who is observing this on a ladder from above a box that she is not invited to what you did was not cool.

It was sloppy. It was disgusting, and you're a whore. And Ramona's like, okay, well, you know what? The new me is like, that's fine. You know, I'm not going to apologize because you don't like that, and I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Sorry, okay? I'm not going to say it. So there you go. And Heather's like,

that's right. I'm like, wow. Good one, Heather. Good one. right like wow good one heather good one i mean good one christian good one babe good one yeah okay so let's go on to married to medicine as we enter the fifth hour of the podcast so the big story is that heather is having a launch party for her app um and where okay her her dating app where you can see other people but they can't see you yeah okay ugly girls and boys you've got an app like what kind of app is that and what kind of people sign up to be the ones that are seen no one because i went on to the app store while the show was airing and the reviews it was like

not a lot of reviews in general but the ones that were there were pretty much all one star and everyone was like there are four people on this app and it doesn't work and we hate it no one likes every time you click on the app it's just heavenly that pops up and she goes don't be a whore girl don't be a whore no man wants a whore girl like uh i downloaded that for a lecture from heavenly yeah like instead of dating ask a man what he wants you to do every time you get a message from someone, your phone goes, Daddy. Daddy. You have one message from Daddy. Everyone just dies.

It says, you can have your own career. Just do the dishes first, bitch. Reply, okay, Daddy. Yes, Daddy. Or thank you, Daddy. Hey, Daddy, Yes, Daddy, or Thank You, Daddy. So, anyway, so Toya was going to go to this at-party, and Eugene isn't able to make it.

Maybe he's making some more deliveries for Nomad MD. What he should have did was clear up his schedule. But so Toya's trying to look all cute for the party and little jean is like why do you have to look cute for a singles party when your husband's not there because then guys are gonna think you're looking for a date and tori is like well then maybe you should get me a bigger ring so that way they see give me a bigger ring i'm like oh my god this woman is gonna drive them into the poor house poor house i love that laurie calls her uh toya the income destroyer on the facebook page that kills me every time because it's so true every episode is toya wanting to spend money on

something else and he's like babe you shouldn't be going to a singles event without me and then trying to look sexy on purpose and she's like babe i'm a what they do is they look good you know i'm a dating expert babe like my whole point is I look good. You know, I'm a dating expert, babe. Like, my whole point is, like, I look good. You know, because people, like, they're going to want to have sex with me. I go into this party. Like, that's how you do it, you know, because I know dating. I'm into multiple relationships.

I believe it. I'm like, what are you talking about right now? You need to stop talking right now. She's like, well, Gene, I know all about dates, okay? Like, I know that December 25th is Christmas. I know July 4th is July 4th. I know January 1st is New Year's. i know all about dates okay like i know that december 25th is christmas i know july 4th is july 4th i know january 1st new year's i know everything about dates okay i can totally do this i'm like the kazar of dating oh toyah um so to oh i like the dating habit she never dated oh yeah she's like yeah i heavenly needs some help because she you know she has this dating app but she doesn't even she never even dated nobody she just found

a guy who looked like a hedgehog and then she got married to him now she does what he says like oh toyah which is true though heavenly making a dating app is hilarious yeah it's just Just submit. Whatever the man wants, just do it. The end. Ding. Daddy. Daddy. There. So then the party comes. And so Heavenly decides. So Claudia Jordan is there.

This is a fall from grace for Claudia Jordan. She's axed from Real Housewives of Atlanta and the Ricky Smiley Show. So now she has to make cameo appearances on Marriage Medicine, which is very sad. But Claudia is there because she's a big guest star. And they're going to use the app to find her a man. So to do this, they're going to do a dating show kind of thing. And so they round up some bachelors. They're going to put them in the back room, et cetera.

And one of the bachelors has gone missing. So Heavenly is like, Darren, you need to look like you're straight. So let me put you in the back room also. Darren, wouldn't you rather people think you were fucking around with girls? Wouldn't you, Darren? This is good for you, Darren. I'm giving you five at the end. So Darren's like, okay.

And so he goes up there. And then they tell Lisa Nicole, and she starts freaking out, and they're showing the camera from her point of view, and they're just showing a confused, dumb-faced Darren, like, behind a curtain, and it was, like, Phantom of the Mom Jeans back there. He's just looking, like, stupid

and Mom Jeans-ed and confused. And she's like, Darren, this is inappropriate. You get out of there right now, Darren. this is inappropriate. You get out of there right now, Darren. This is completely disgusting. Yeah. And she was, and like Lisa Nicole was literally yelling at Darren like a child who had climbed up onto a surface he was not supposed to be on. Get down from there right now.

Right now. You get down from there right now before that stripper breaks your nose. Right now. Do not slide down the stripper again darren do not do it darren got the hell out of there and then he spent the rest of the party on the exact opposite side of the room from his wife um good so then the then the dating game is going on and like one of the questions is something like besides besides god and family what's the most important thing and some guys like synergy and so then so then they asked heaven's like can you spell

synergy please so he's like s-y-n-e-r-g-i-e and everyone's like oh my god no he spelled it wrong and my favorite was toya being like don't use words you can't even spell on my toya you're still probably using those magnetic letters on the fridge you know no kidding you wouldn't be able to speak ever if that was the case shut up but it's you know it's bad when even toya knows how to spell synergy and you don't so it's because eugene i was telling Eugene, Synergy, inject people with Synergy, they'll go crazy for it. Well, Synergy, Synergy. So then the next big thing that happens. So now we move on to the next set piece of the show or the preset piece, which is that Jill is going to have a prohibition party. What?

Oh, yikes. It's very important for us to have this party. Blink, blink, blink. Because we want to show people plastic surgery isn't just a surgery that you get plastic, you know? People use it for different things. Yeah. Thanks, Jill. Thanks for clarifying what this party is.

Is this a domestic abuse party or a plastic surgery fashion show like from the North Shore? I'm like, did I just get Liza'd? You got Liza'd by Jill. Here's the thing. Jill was making no sense because she was telling people it's a party that's saying we want to prohibit violence against women. We want to prohibit domestic abuse. We want to prohibit violence against women. We want to prohibit domestic abuse. We want to prohibit mean things from happening. But then the

invitation says, it's a prohibition party because we want to have no prohibitions against anything. You can be yourself. I'm like, first of all, it's inhibitions, not prohibitions. And second of all, is this a no prohibitions party or many prohibitions party?

And it would be like did not make any sense the invitations like everybody be themselves except for wife beaters blink blink uh yeah she that that's ridiculous come to our prohibition party celebrating plastic surgery

and domestic abuse don't let your husband break your nose let my husband break your nose and reshape it into a better nose. Blink, blink. We want you to have no prohibitions about getting a new nose because you can do it.

I think the idea was you can do what you want and if you want to get a new nose to make yourself feel better there's gonna be no one telling you no there are no prohibitions about you getting a new nose and feeling better about yourself it was so tenuously linked it's so bizarre and also it's like the theme is a period where everybody went broke and didn't have money to eat it's like no one could even afford a fucking nose job okay stop it Your theme doesn't make sense with anything.

And you can't have a domestic abuse plastic surgery party, okay, bitch? Yeah, you can't. You can't. So before the party even happened, most importantly, there was a scene with Quad and her husband. And the husband was basically saying, like, play nice. And Quad is like, well, I will tell you something else. Before, I had some reservations about going to this party. But let me tell you something. If Lisa Nicole is there, I will not you something else. Before, I had some reservations about going to this party. But let me tell you something.

If Lisa Nicole is there, I will not be paying Lisa dust. I'm like, what? I mean, I understand the idea that, like, the moment you see Lisa, you might, all that will be there will be dust because you're, like, in a dust cloud leaving or something like that. But, like, I don't understand paying Lisa dust. But the best part is that Kwok gets even more nonsensical because her husband's like, I just want peace and calm. And quad's like, oh, well, honey, people in hell want ice water and people in jail want out. I'm like, is she trying to say that people want things that they can't get? I mean, but I just.

But it still is. She's saying, no, I'm not... Yeah. But it still is... Yeah. She's saying, no, I'm not gonna be peaceful. That is so funny. But it was like... Well, we want a lot of things. Dogs want ball gowns, and that's one thing I will deliver like a FedEx man on an ice cube in a rainbow. Let me tell you something. You may want peace,

but you know what? That's like a pineapple in nine court. Judge dismissed. What? Fat girls want pieces too. A pie. And that's why they're fat. And that's all I'm telling you. It's like, what? What are you talking about?

That's like asking for a folding chair on the surface of the moon, okay? Oh, God. So then we get to this prohibition party. No, no, no, no. Before that. Before that. What happened before that? Well, Jill, or at some point, before the party, at some point, Jill goes and gets her nails done with Mariah.

So Mariah is excited because she's going to, like, no one came and saw me at the hospital. And she's like, oh, these women think me at the hospital and uh and she's like oh these women think that they can push me out of the group but guess what i am back i am coming back to the group they can't vote me out i'm gonna leave on my own accord so i am back i'm like bitch why would you want to be friends with people who expressed in concrete terms that they don't want to be with they literally voted you out of the group yeah so i mean obviously my choice honey yeah i love that i love her honey honey so then um so now it comes time for the party all right and um i don't remember the order of events that happened but i do do know that Lisa Nicole brought Dwight,

also formerly of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Everyone just drops down to Maranitan Medicine at some point, I guess. And at some point, Jill's husband makes this ridiculous speech and talking about like, he's like, you know, every day my patients thank me for the good work that I do. And they cut to Dwight smiling and nodding.

I'm like, yep, this guy probably had more than one thing, but I was like, it was such an obnoxious speech. He's like every day people thank me and it means so much. So I know the value of thanks and want to thank you all shut up Jesus I want to thank you

like the world thanks me if only I could need you as much as the world needs me alas I don't that's still no reason not to drink eat be merry and praise me if you have a thank you for me please feel free to stop by the thank you table where I'll be sitting talking about domestic abuse and plastic surgery.

I'll be here all night. Thank you. So then Heavenly's husband, by the way, goes up to this guy at the party. And he actually says, I think in a very mature way, he says, listen, something you said last time really bothered me. You know, you said this to my wife, and the more I thought about it, the more it annoyed me. And please don't say that about my wife again. Like, don't do that. It offended us, whatever. And then instead of the guy saying, oh, well, I'm sorry, he goes, well, you obviously don't know me very well, because obviously I

didn't mean it to be offensive. You obviously don't't know which was such a condescending retort oh you could have said oh oh well i'm sorry it wasn't meant to offend i i was just i i was saying something that you know i thought i was just saying something i wasn't i'm sorry i didn't mean to offend you isn't that what like mature people do if you say something that offended someone and you weren't you didn't mean it amongst friends yeah especially a husband because the husbands know that their wives are crazy that's why they're on a tv show so when someone's like you don't disrespect my husband and your answer is well listen if you didn't say anything at the time how was i to know that it was offensive to you yeah and he's like well i'm telling you now it offended me yeah don't do it again and he's like okay like it doesn't count

now because it's late but at the time i could have done something it's like no actually at the time you told her that she was a dumb bitch which she was being a dumb bitch and then you stormed out or something like it wasn't i mean heavenly was in the wrong and that but yeah when someone's like just don't disrespect my husband or my wife just say i didn't mean to disrespect your wife i'm sorry exactly exactly so then they got but this guy instead he just stands up and walks away so um so then somehow the story gets back to jill that that her husband told told dad told him fuck you and walked away so then jill goes and all the women are are sitting together and jill tells toya she's like, uh-oh, she's like, apparently my husband told you, told Heavenly's husband, fuck you. So Toya then is like, Jill, Heavenly, did you hear this? Did you hear this? Jill's husband said fuck you to your husband.

I'm like, dude, why? And then immediately Heavenly's like, what? You mean, I think you're ignorant. That's what I thought. You're ignorant. And she's like, going to college doesn't make you smart. And she's like, education does not make you smart. Yeah, and you have an online degree.

Yeah, and Heavenly's like, ooh. You have an online degree. He's like, good one, Heavenly. So then Heavenly goes to her husband and is like, did I say fuck you? And he's like, no. She's like, oh. So you would think they would be like, oh, never mind. But she's like, Jill, don't be making up for this or don't be lying on my husband or whatever. It's like, Jill just

got bad information, but Heavenly lost her shit. And Heavenly was just destroying Jill. And Jill had her blink blink lies going big time. What? I didn't say that. What? What? What? What? I don't like.

Okay. And then in come Mariah. Oh, yeah. Mariah, who is now besties with Quad again or whatever. And she's like, woohoo. Woo. Yeah, honey. Yes, honey.

It is me, honey. I'm like, oh, God. She's like, every time I go into a party with these ladies i feel like a pop star honey i feel like a star because everybody wants a piece of mirage i'm like a wedding cake everybody's in line for the cake i'm standing there with a husband and a wife plastic on top of me standing, because I'm the biggest cake in the room, honey. And people getting in line for this cake. I'm like, oh my God, please stop.

Yeah. She's like, I am covered in fondant, honey. I am going to take the top layer and put me in the freezer and have me a year later, because I am a cake. Oh, there's not a dance floor in here, honey, because this fondant is tight, honey. Girl. She's like, everybody's pretending to be a pop star but nobody or pretending she's a pop star which i don't think they were and uh they didn't even come to visit her in the hospital after completely ostracizing her from the group and asking to never speak to her again yeah she's like i just don't understand why these women are

being so fake it's like because they're terrified, Mariah. Well, it's because they, you know, some people do know how to act in a social situation and people are allowed to be fake in a party. It's like, what would you rather? That you walk in and then everyone doesn't pay attention to you and they'd be like, these women are all bitches. Well, you would have thought they were bitches no matter what.

They'll either call them fake bitches or mean bitches. So they went the fake route. Why not? It's polite. It's called manners, okay? So then Lisa Nicole's like, Yeah, Mariah, girl, I've been going through really rough things. You know,

like people who lie and they spread lies about family. Do you know how many game nights I've had to have with my children alone at home? And Mariah's like, oh, you mean lies, like telling people I'm a lesbian, Lisa? Honey?

Lisa's like, well, I didn't say that. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did. How did you not say how what explanation in the world could you give for having not said that you said that yes you did plainly yeah you actually said in a very succinct articulate way you said what about your lesbian relationship with mariah so good so that's pretty much it for this the show is the the past episodes have been really good i'm like finally i'm into it like i'm like into the conflict now it's so dumb and i love it

and i love jackie's finally mad at people but only because they didn't respect her fat camp yeah so good notice that she was very quiet during Jill's charity party when the women were fighting, but God forbid you fight during Fit is the New It hypnosis session. She's like, well, it's not like somebody is trying to hypnotize people into drinking more water here.

It's a different level of respect that is expected in front of a cardboard cutout of me during Fit is the new It. Don't choose the pizza. You see, it's a choice. It's a prohibition party and I'm prohibited from getting mad.

According to Jill. So good. This was long, right? How long did we talk? Too long. On the next episode, Watcher Craftmans did we talk? Too long. Too much. But on the next episode of Watcher Craftmans, we'll talk about Below Deck and my

40-somethings. Whatever. My fab 40th, right? Oh, God. Do we? Was there nothing else on? That is correct. There was nothing else on. Oh, God help us. Well, can't we just have this be the five-hour episode for the week and we just'll just talk about Orange County.

I mean, no, we got to do Below Deck. I'm going to miss the Housewives. What Housewives is next? Oh, we have a Secrets Revealed. No, we're not going to do the Secrets Revealed. But we could do Below Deck. I'm Below Deck. I love me some Below Deck.

We had a fun time with that last week. Oh, I love that. No, no, I love that show. It's just that 40 show. Well, that'll probably be funny. We had a fun time last week, week. Oh, I love that. No, no, I love that show. It's just that 40 show. Well, that'll probably be funny. We had a fun time. Yeah, we had a fun time last week. Even though the show's not great.

We will survive. Okay, everyone. Ladies, someone's turning 40. Fierce. We're going to have a fierce next episode. It'll be very fierce. And Train is going to perform live on the podcast. So everyone get ready for Train and a fierce performance on the podcast.

You never know what's going to happen, but I can guarantee you whatever performer I find will cost $2,500 flat. Girls, ladies. Ben and Ronnie will be showing up in your cars in their own Ferraris coming out of your radios. It'll be wonderful. And they'll sit out everywhere playing. The Ferraris coming out of your radios. It'll be wonderful. And they'll sit out everywhere playing.

The Ferraris will be riding horses. It will be amazing. Ladies, fabulous. Fabulous. This is just fierce. This is a fierce, fierce 40th podcast. Thank you, everybody,

for listening. Thank you, everyone, for listening Thank you everyone for listening You can follow us If you go to watchforcrappins.com You can see all our social media links there Facebook.com forward slash watchforcrappins Where all this shit is posted And it's super fun

And patreon.com forward slash watchforcrappins Where you can get access to a bonus episode if you support us and many other things and again our bonus episode this week was about the vmas and um jill getting uh from marriage medicine getting thrown in jail and a few other fun topics really good stuff so guess what you can take the earmuffs off your kid in the back seat and resume your life. Thanks, everyone, for listening. You're finally at the school drop-off after three hours. You've made it.

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