Watch What Crappens - #2172 Below Deck Med: Everything Is Ruan’d!

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

This week on the season premiere of Below Deck Mediterranean (S08E01), the new bosun may or may not be a total imposter. Plus, immigration ties up half the interior crew.  It’s the perfect disaster to start the season off with!Watch this episode with Crappens on Demand here:  http://bit.ly/crappensvideoSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome to WatcherCrapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the wonderful and hilarious Ronnie, Karam, Ronnie, Ronnie, wait, actually before you say anything, I'm going to need to make sure you have your originals. Do you have your originals? Otherwise, I'm not sure you can do this podcast today. Oh, this show came back with the bang A below deck mid. Yeah, below deck med is back.

We're here to recap the season premiere before we dive into that. Video is back with us as well. We weren't able to do it for Roni. Sorry, everyone. We had some technical issues, but now we have video here for below deck med. So go to patreon.com slash watch or crap and support on the crap. It's on demand level. You get early access to our videos a week before they go on YouTube, including what we're

recording right now. So go check that out. We also have a weekly bonus episode. We also have dwell hello is coming out this week. That's exclusive to one jury plus. And then next week we have crappy hour. That's Monday night, 5 30 PM p.m. on the West Coast, 8.30 p.m. on the East Coast on IG.

It's our IG live show. So follow out, watch our crap in. So you can join in and yeah, let's dive into this big season premiere of watch our crap and of below deck med where wow, it's just amazing how many things can go wrong so quickly in on this show. Yeah, well they have this thing on this show where they, I mean, I guess they have to do pre-production as far as getting everybody hired. They don't seem to do a good job of really checking anybody's resume and often they just show up and start shooting immediately.

I mean, I don't know if you guys aren't willing to pay for another like an extra day to maybe get. I don't know what it is, but it's always a cluster of fuck and it is so fucking funny, especially like below deck sailing you have, oh my god, the boat's not working. They didn't check the boat. Yeah, I didn't have that. And on this one, you know, whatever happens in this one. Fun times. I know.

So, this season opens up on the Italian Riviera. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Italian. So, I think we're going to get a lot of opera stuff thrown in there. Yeah. We're on the Italian Riviera. Wow. And, yeah, so we sort of get like that

quasi-trailer thing they do at the top of a below deck season. So we hear to me, to me is back, love to me. And she's like, this is my first time as chiefs to you. And I have never come across a crew this crazy. And I don't think I ever will. And then it's just basically two minutes of watching people kissing fall over. Okay. Well, I guess I'll fast forward that part. No, no, a lot of good, a lot of good, important things happening like Kyle screaming, you will need a cure me. Kyle, wow, looks like they marinated Kyle and Kyle juices. And Kyle is coming back times 100,

which we knew he would. We knew if you give Kyle a second chance, he is going to come back even more Kyle than he was before, which I'm horrified by and scared of. I just, I just, but that being said, I found that considering that Kyle was such a breakout star last year and he's such a big personality,

I found that he was actually not a large part of this trailer. I thought he was going to have sort of, I thought he'd be like in like half the clips, but he was only in like a few moments. I wonder does he like make it through the whole season or they just sort of, is he going to really get a shine in the midseason trailer, you know? I hope that they fire his ass. Okay, this guy makes me crazy. I hope he they fire his ass. Okay, this guy makes me crazy. I hope he gets fired and the only time they show him he's being disgusting.

Like in this scene where he's screaming at Natalia, you've been a fakie spore my beard from Taiwan. And then the next time we see him, he's screaming that you will me back and show me. And we do see the captain saying, right after that line, you're screaming, you're lack of respect, I don't want a person like you on board. I'm hoping that's the Kyle, but who knows? And then we get an Italian saying, Kyle, you're a whole but human.

And he says, I could not figure out what he said here. Do you say, fed in a shoe box, honey? What did he say, fed it in a shoe box, honey? What did you say, fed in a shoe box, honey? Put it in a shoe box, honey. That's small, that is. From Frank, Frank, I want you a small in a shoe box, honey. You can't even touch up to say something like, put it in a shoe box, honey.

Yeah, so it's like, or it looks like to be, oh, extremely messy, messy season, messy season. These seasons, I feel like below Dex Daling has, below Dex Daling was like the Las Vegas season of the real world where like there was real world before Trichelle and real world after Trichelle. And, you know, before Trichelle, when people made out

like on the real world, it was like, oh my God, they made out. And now, like when you get on the real world, it was like, oh my God, they made out. And now, when you get on the real world, the first thing is everyone gets in the hot type of makes out. And so I feel like below deck sailing was like that trashy, biggest season that came in. And now everything on below deck is all trashy and drunken all the time. Now they're all, they all have to have three Sims on a hot tub after that. Yeah.

And you know, they'll have to have three Sims on a hot tub after that. Yeah, and you know They'll have to have some three some storyline or something crazy There's always got to be a white girl who makes twerking her thing that happens in this previews Well, blow deck casts in general Please stop it. Please. I mean, I love you. I love your show. You need to stop the twerking guys Some pairs. I know They're in Genoa, Genoa, Italy, maybe he gets in Salami, maybe he gets in ham. And in case you didn't know this is in Italy, let's watch someone throw up a pizza pie in the air. Catch it. Okay. The next shot is Mario running

along the pipe, you know, and jumping over a question mark. Yeah Yeah. Um, so uh, Sandy goes, wow, such a beautiful day to go bored. Am I right? Me? Am I right? She goes, yeah, Genoa is one of the busiest person Europe. You know, I actually lived in Genoa for, uh, for year. It was great because, uh, it was a year I kept on saying to people, Hey, uh, Genoa that I live in Genoa. People would laugh all the time. It was so funny. Yeah, I lived there for a year.

I still live with Genoa. Well, this is the slammy. It's delicious. I also lived with a girl named Jennifer a while, but she didn't work out or work or get a job, you know. So I said, Genoa. Get it? It's really funny times, you know, Genoa.

Yeah, you know, funny story. You know, you know mistakes happen I get it You know you've got all these amazing places you can drop anchor here in Genoa It's an epic epic experience bra But this year this season hasn't even started and it's already a shit show and here comes Natalia coming down the Dock with her very intense wide open eyes all the time and she's like, baby, go back Mariah Mariah everyone

And it says Natalia temp chief stewards. So we already know something weird is going on here So I was saying just like hey, who's that? Hey, is that my genoa? Genoa slamey delivery nor oh, it's Natalia. Hey, welcome to Noah. Or as we shall learn. To Noah Salamiya in a wig. Pretty much basically. It's a to Noah Salamiya with glasses in here. Although here we just call it Salams.

So, hi, hi there. And when you've lived in Italy for a while, you could just say Salams. Yeah, you need the last I-up receivings. So in Italian screams and hugs kept in and say, oh my God, look at you. The what could pre-paint tobacco. Remember when I did that hilarious impersonation of you where I wore little short paints in a wig, but really that was the entire impersonation. You remember that? You know it.

Sorry, it's all to have with Dave. How do you come back and it just floods memories? Let's let's back, you know? So she's like Natalia's like, I'm happy being back on board with you. And I'm so glad they don't have to work with incompetent people like coil. But guess what? Kyle's coming back. He sure is.

He's coming back with double the eyeliner and triple the screaming. So that should be fine. I don't know if it's how they begin and part of this episode, but it's going to be a journey. It's going to be good. And I hear that there's going to be a charter midway through the season with a gay that has even larger nipples. So get ready for that one, Kyle. And I like that Natalie is like, Oh, good.

Look at me. It's you and me keep the scene. Bim Bim Bim. We're such girlfriends. And Sandy's just kind of looking you're up and down like, Hey, I don't really remember you much. So you seem to have a lot of familiarity with me, but blacked out on you. Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, I've actually kind of done two seasons since you because I took over for Captain Lee. So yeah, it's hard to. Yeah, it's like I don't even know who you are. It's your sort of, you know, you look like it's like if Wairz Waldo decided to, you know, put on a cute little skirt and be bossy for a second, you know? Mm-hmm. Where's Tworko?

You know, that's what I always say. Because you look just like a girl used to twerk, but then I say another girl who used to twerk. Now, I'm getting all my twerkers confused. Anyway, the point is I've got a chief stool and a really, really loud gaze stool stuck in immigration. What am I supposed to do about that? And then we see Tumi FaceTiming with Kyle.

They're on like a three-way FaceTiming. And Tumi's like, I've never wanted to be on Italian soil more than now, keeping Cindy. And Captain's like, have you heard me thing? And Kyle's like, SOUCH BAD LONG QUITS FASER, Cindy! Morocco Fiend! I was like, So it's bad luck with space, I see the Moroccan theme. To me, it's like, I will swim all the way there just to get there in time. I think it's like,

Hey, I'm not pitting you guys against each other, whoever gets here, true, whoever gets here first, I probably will play favorites with all seasons long, but listen, it's not a competition to see who can get through immigration first, okay? When it happens, it happens happens and you're on board. Hmm, so she's like, okay, but until they do come, let's go back to this scene. Until they do come back on board, guess what?

Torque and girl whose name I don't remember, who seems to be very familiar with me, you're going to be a champ. Okay, you're going to be the champ chief stool. So, surely you won't mind taking all the power on the boat and then handing it over to the second, someone better actually arrives on board. Am I right? Absolutely. I'm happy, I'm flexible. Okay, good because we are going to be starting this season with a bunch of tamps. Okay. 23 degrees Celsius, 18 Celsius, 13 Celsius, 62 Fahrenheit. Okay. I think you I think it may miss miss miss her, but I said there. Sorry, honey. Okay. Well, here's your second for now. Her name is Jessica. Okay. And Natalie's like, um, cocktail's bartending, great to know, great to know CV, great, great, great, great. And what about a third captain Sandy? Or should I say me, me by the way gone. And she's like, well, the third is deck really. So you're going to have to teach her stuff.

Her name is also Jessica. So you're going to have to teach her that her name is also Jessica. And there's another Jessica. So first let's teach both Jessica's that they're both Jessica. Okay. Start there. Yeah. Maybe steps.

Everyone here is going to be named Jessica. I just want you to know that. Can we not just hire everybody with the same name? Please. Wait, no, wait, no, is the, I thought it was at the third is Jessica. Actually, no, because this season, they're actually having four stews. I think there's going to be Jessica and Jessica, right? Well, there's Jessica, the, well, the temp is broke, though. Oh, the temp is broke, but there's, is there another Jessica?

Maybe because I tell you, it took me me about 30 30 minutes of this show before it started being able to parse out all the new people. That was really hard. This season. Yeah. Anybody who's a beautiful low-deck read caps, welcome to the disaster that is us recapping below deck. It's going to be six weeks before we get names right.

Okay. They change it too much. This is a big cast because it's a big boat. And so there's the the stews, are going to be to me, Kyle, Natalia and Jessica. And then the deck is, I don't even know what's wrong with the deck. I don't even know if half those people are even going to are even employed. They're just like random people on this deck shaming things. There's Haley.

Haley who is from like Philadelphia. And you know she's from Philadelphia because she looks literally like the mayor of Easttown. What's her friend's name again? You know, cream cheese, cream. Cream cheese, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream,

cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, cream, And then he got Lara. It would have been a much more salient reference if I could actually reference it. I don't remember. It's too long ago. She won the Emmy. Remember she played, remember Mayor of East Town's like friend who was just sort of had bangs and the neighbor.

The neighbor. The neighbor who's like the best friend. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she won an Emmy good for her. Hey, congrats. Hey, congrats. I mean, what knows that lady tell her. Hey, I think her name is Juliet Nicholson or something like that.

But now she works on below deck as and her name is Haley now. She's like, well, you know what? Life's not necessarily easy just because you went in Emmy. I'm going to go ahead and shammy. You still got to work. You know, we're on strike. Okay. So were you going to list more people? I got tired. I'm tired of listening. Her name is Julie Ann. Okay, so were you gonna list more people? I got tired. I'm tired of listening. Her name is Julie Ann.

I'm in your dumb listing. Julie Ann, listen. Okay, so yeah, there's a lot of people. So Natalia's like, personally, I think all do be there than anyone else that comes in. Last season, Tish gave me some PTSD and then we get a, we cut to that. Oh no, we don't cut to that. She just doesn't impersonation over her. She just, you won't smear. We do see a little bit of Tasha going,

saying like, don't yell at me, Tasha, don't raise your voice at me, that's me. Did you say something to me? Keptin's saying that in our clothes. So I'd like to think I was a first option, but this is worked out, you know, this is worked out now. So then we go to Jack, who's a tiny chef in a Newsy's hat. Okay, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben and Ronnie attempt to live a pool. Accents for the next 14 weeks of your life.

Enjoy. Like last night, I was great at it, but we always know. This is the next 14 weeks of your life, enjoy. Like last night I was great at it, but we always know, like never great at it. I'm telling you, I will never be great at it. It's like singing in the shower. When I'm home, on my sofa alone, oh, I'm like killing with all the accents, you know? It's like I'm singing, but now I'm here

on the karaoke stage and I'm like, I need to do the little baby jack up from living room. It's actually not that inaccurate, I don't think about it. Yeah, the very strong foundation in French cooking. I'm also in the sauce. Yeah, my part is sauces. I've been chefin 14 years, but I've been, you know, I've filled out 13 years. I didn't stop working.

I traveled to Asia for three years. I didn't stop working in Asia. Then I came back from Asia. Guess where I didn't. I went to Asian food. And back in Liverpool didn't stop working even more now. It's amazing. Crazy. Crazy is the light goals. Initially, the initial reason to be a chef was to travel. We didn't really have the best diet growing up. Frozen meals and stuff. I don't think I tried a vegetable until I was 16 until this day, feel like vegetables.

If you genuinely say you like broccoli and you like it, there's something wrong with ya. Well that explains the picture they show of your food, which is a smashed piece of salmon, like a really thinly smashed and overly cooked piece of salmon, and then one little chunk of cucumber, it's like one little tiny square of it, and then a very long slice of cucumber that's rolled up.

It's like, wow, this guy definitely hates his vegetables. His vegetables. So more people come on board, and Natalia meets Jack, the chef, and then Natalia, she's like, oh, I'm the tapered, very chiefs do, but you're just me a chiefs do because I'll probably be the chiefs do the whole season If you really think about it. So just call me chiefy. No, I'll call you chef. You can call me chiefy No, I'm not kept in Sandy. We're just twins basically and guys you should go make her well be down here

Tamping and what you know what let's only call me you temp temporarily. That would be nice t-timping. What, you know what, let's only call me you t-timperarily. That would be nice. Then Ruan comes on. His name is Ron Irving and he's a deck guy. He's a balding big guy with a dorky smile and I wrote fishy. That was my first time trying to have him. Already he's fishy. He's very like, and the captain's like, so, wow, you did a tender during 10 to 15, 10 to 15 foot. So, I'll see, he's like, break and wave, so just to roll him. He's like, wow. No, she says, breaking waves are just rolling. And he goes, break in.

Y'all, y'all, break in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I just don't know how to break in. Waves. Braves. I know I was doing waves. I broke a wave. I was watching the movie, breaking the waves.

Great movie. So dramatic. But I was doing that. I broke a wave. I was watching the movie breaking the waves. Great movie, so dramatic, but I was doing that. I'll see you later. I've seen it. He takes off his glasses and he has a dead dumb look in his eyes, nods dumbly. That's like a salmon. You know, he looked like a salmon. I don't know if you've ever seen a salmon's face before,

but he literally has salmon face. Hope on when we look up face. Look up a salmon. Okay. Face of a he literally has salmon face. Hold on, let me look up face. Look up a salmon. Okay. Face of a salmon. Salmon face. Okay. Salmon's have a specific, there's a certain type of,

DZ. They're very long-trowded and they have a hook. They have a hook nose and hook, a chin. They have a hook? Yeah. He's sort of, if you look at his face, that knows and the chin come up towards each other a little bit He just sort of has like a certain salmon quality to him. So he's not colored salmon. He's just like he's not like pink Just at his faces

like look So he's like I'm sitting with picture and you tell me that this is not him scuffling with other Sam's. Okay. Okay. Okay. Listen, let's do it. I'm gonna look. Okay. Okay, here it comes. Here it comes with some vegetables. Okay.

It's longer, so it doesn't come with broccoli. Okay, I just sent it to you. The one on the left, like that's him. He literally is a Sam. He's hilarious and horrible at the same time. Also, to both of them, to both and to the salmon, that's not nice. It's time for commercial, it's time for a crapence commercial! Watch what crapens and winter is crappening of a funniest recap broadcast.

But if you want something more eerie, try the new podcast, Ghost Story, about my investigation into a murder suicide in my own family. Ghost aren't real, at least that's what I've always believed. Sure, odd things happen in my childhood bedroom, but ultimately I shrugged it all off. That is, until a couple of years ago, when I discovered that every subsequent occupant of that house is convinced they've experienced something inexplicable too, including the most recent inhabitant who says she was visited at night by the ghost of a faceless woman. It just so happens that the alleged ghost haunted my childhood room might just be my wife's

great grandmother, who was murdered in the house next door by two gunshots to the face. Ghost Story, a podcast about family secrets, overwhelming coincidence and the things that come back to haunt us. Follow Ghost Story wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on October 23rd or you can binge early and at free on Wondery Plus the same day. Okay, so let's go to Ryan. So he's like, I've been bossing for three years now.

I'm from a small town in South Africa. And you know what, we just spearfishing. That's how I made my money. I'm 100% a sea baby. The old saying a smooth sea never made good sailor? Yeah, I got it. Ryan. Because yeah, because you know why?

Because that's where you grow. Yeah, we know what it means. We've run. We should have known. By the way, we should have known he was not going to last more than one episode on the show because when he did this next line I was like wow that was a lot of information Yeah, I ran away from home super young and I dropped out of school at 16 and grew up in an abusive home alcohol

It just to stick no one cares. I know where I came from. I know where I'm gonna go and I take my shit seriously Also, when I was 13 I lost my puppy and then when I was 15 I had a girlfriend and when I was 17 Had a child Mr. Child there in Florida somewhere somewhere anyway that's my entire story and you need me to find anything else this season okay I'm addicted to drugs had a child Mr. Child only need the child child might be addicted to my addicted to the child or is that a drug being addicted to children it's like okay you're out you've ran through all your Thomas sir He just dropped everything in one paragraph. First time we ever saw him. My note is, are you high, sir? Because you seem high.

You're coming across this very high. So then he goes and hugs Natalia and he's like, call me Roo. Which you know, my nickname as a child is really, really don't really don't do. He run don't do. Really does my nickname. So I hear Rue and I'm like, hey, wait a minute. So Natali is like, we need Jesus at this point. There's a lot, there's a lot to do here right now. Oh my god, these accents. My bad accents are all clashing up against each other. It's a tower of bad accent babble, okay?

Tower's gonna fall, guys. It's wild. So then Jessica, who's the temporary seconds to, but I think it's gonna be the fourth stew, ultimately when everything shakes out. So she's on board, and then somebody in Lara comes on board, and by the way, we haven't even gotten to Lara's accent. I don't even know how,

that's just gonna be a disaster as well. So then, then we see Rue dancing by himself in his room. He's like, not aware of in his room. He's like, not aware of his cameras because it's like his first day when he should be the most self-conscious of cameras everywhere. And he's like doing some sort of like Martha Graham, weird stuff like, like beatboxing. He's shirtless and he's like beatboxing in the mirror and like dancing spastically. I don't know how you would explain it. So then little Laura comes in and they all start cleaning

and I wrote, tiny voice big teeth hailey meets root, tiny voice big teeth. That's only a nickel sin. Yeah. Okay, that's a good call. She does look like her. Now that I see her talking about, I'm saying hi, my name is Ha call. She does look like her now that I see here talking about

So then look I mean so many people are coming on right so there is like it's content late made boat in it late You know What is it? I'm Lara I'm from South Africa. So of course there for example I also have just some other strange accent that makes it's not not counted for. I speak to a little bit, I want to see, I mean, I don't know what's going on with Lara. I don't know what that is doing. So then the captain meets Luca and she's like, oh wow, so what was it like Luca?

You handsome person working for Captain Jason. Must have been fun. You coming back with a Pearl necklace and all, huh? They just pass you around like a tray over there because wow, look at you, Harry Styles. Good one. Look at you, machine gun Kelly. Wow.

You look great. I guess when did you get out of traction? I just assumed that there was probably some sort of horrific yacht accident because it was Captain Jason. So you're okay, you can work. So are you gonna show me your resume or are you wearing it around your neck, Pearl necklace? And he's like, he's like, the full welcome with Captain Jason, I was on two other boats that

were both private. I'm actually an ETO and electrical engineer, but I like being on deck because engineer is a grumpy. And I'm not grumpy. I want to have fun. Which is much, that is much later and happier backstory than Rue of like. And then when I was 12 years old I accidentally lit fire to a llama and I was put in jail for three months juvenile detention. I'm accidental llama. I don't know. Just in Italia's meat-sluca and she's like, oh my God, you from New Zealand?

I'm from Australia. We're related. Luca's just these eyes. Oh my God, these eyes. It's like ballynies, you know, scooter boy. I don't know, surf, mixed with God. He's so hot. Oh my God.

Always missing is the little cap on his head that makes him look like the hamburger. I don't know if that's just I guess a regular burger. The hamburger actually wore kind of a top hat sort of thing, but regular burglars in cartoons where there's a knit cap in this head type things. You know what I mean? Luke is harder than the last one. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure the hamburger will wear some sort of variation of a coil which is hat, now that I think about it. Kind of, but it's also one of those kind of flat, omg, blackheads. My right. Oh, you're right, coil which is at the tea party. You know what, if you're going to be robbing people of their big is don't wear flashy accessories.

Okay, nice people remember you. Yeah. So Rue shows them the chamois and Haley's like, I don't think I've ever used a chamois. And she's got, she's also got this like little spirit keeper hippie type necklace on her chest, like the one that Ursula used to contain a little mermaid's voice. So watch out for Haley. She used to say- I know. Lara's like, hello, if you've been a shiphead, ship- have you been on ships before? And he was like, um, I've been basically like,

I got canned on ships and like, tugs and stuff, but like yachting I don't really know. And like, what I say I was like a deckhand, I'm like a tug. I basically played tug of war once, and so that was fun. Yeah, you know, my dad wanted a sign. And he did everything in his power to make sure I was a boy, like soccer, basketball, rugby. That's why I'm on boats, because you work for one month,

and then you go home and drink fears. Sounds fun to me. Ah! Excuse me. I'm such a time boy. So now we have an MCA. Great casting by the way. I don't know how long this chick is gonna last about great casting. I was back laughing. She is so funny. She does never use the chamois before. This is a new low. So the MCA inspector has come on board. He's from the maritime case guard agency. And, yeah.

Wow. That's pretty good. You know my good friend, Mary? Who, who then? Mary Tainlain. Come in. It's talk tour. So this season, this season is completely different guys.

Set enough, you know what? 980 now gross tons. That's a huge adjustment for me. Because this is a commercial belt vessel. We're in a whole different ballgame. Plus, we're in a major port. Plus, it's so highly regulated. Plus, there's an MCA investor on board at any time. It's search-opt to make sure we're safe. Plus, oh my God, so much addition. What am I even a kid to meet anymore? Also, don't forget that this boat was a 1977 Japanese fishing troll. Get out of here.

Okay, it's not, it's lies, it's not. So, so, so, so, So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so's a paperwork problem with rule, rule, rule to the bridge, rule, rule to the bridge. Oh my gosh, you better get up here. You better get up here because I gotta say something, wait, but hold on though, you gotta hydrate. Don't forget to hydrate and then nap. Okay, continue on. Yeah, you know what?

Are you feeling okay? You're hot? Okay, I'm gonna need your tongue to give hugs to a glass with some water in it, okay? Cause you need to be hydrated there, buddy. Okay. God, I love inspiring people. You know, you're so much to learn on these boats.

Hydration. Okay. Hey, where are your originals? Your originals. And what? Uh, uh, what? Uh, uh, what? Uh, I keep them in a safe at home. So I made certified copies by the police station at home.

So that's where they are. And the guys like, no, these aren't certified. These are photo copies of a certified copy. So nice try. Do I look like a stupid? Do I look like the inspector of stupid things? The false for things? No.

And the inspector's like, well, that reality is you should always have your origin. It's the boat to be detained for that, okay? And he's like, oh, no, it's not something I ever had to do. And he's like, well, that's a problem. We could all be detained. And you know, it's one thing for us, you know, I want everyone to take net, net, naps and hugs, but you want to do it on your own accord. You don't want it to be forced on us, okay?

We don't want this boat to be in a giant forced nap by the Amsterdam CA over here. Okay. But you'll get someone to send you the paperwork, right? And he's like, well, you know, it's tricky because I don't have family or anything. So my car is at this friend's house. And this and that, this and that. You know, I've been at France for eight years straight. So those papers are at a friend's house in Cape Town. And they're like, no, you're gonna need to get your paper work. Fishy, fishy guy. You know what? In moments like that, you'll say, yes, I'll work on it because that was such a fishy answer. So you've been living

in France for eight years, but the safe with the important stuff is in South Africa, but you've only been to South Africa for three months in the past eight years. So why is your important stuff down there? If you're primary residents in France, why is this so difficult? Why do you not bring this stuff with you? Yeah. So the captain's like, okay, so what are you saying, Italian MCA? If we don't get this in five days, you're going to need a new bolson.

It's like, oh, don't, don't, don't. So now Natalia is telling Jessica about towels, like what to do with them, and Jessica's like, I find comfort in people. It's like, who's gonna be my friend? You know, because I grew up in Hawaii. And transition, I grew up in Hawaii, and I was always at my best friend's house,

and that's when I learned about friends, and they show a picture of her with like a turtle. I was like, is your friend a turtle? My best friend, I just follow whatever she says. If she wants to go eat leaves, I eat leaves. If she wants to go swimming in the lake, I swim in the lake. If she wants to lay some eggs in the driveway, I lay eggs in the driveway. I'm just a follower.

You know what? Sometimes she's a little on patient and she snaps. What are you going to do about it? She's still my best friend. She was very much a leader. She was like, we're going to go out and we're going to do this or we're going to go out and we're going to do that. And then I would be like, okay, because I was very comfortable in that situation. That's why I'm a strong second. I'm a strong follower. I get into toxic relationships with friends.

I'm a good follower, even though sometimes I do accidentally step on the back of my best friend's shell because she moves so slowly, but honestly, it's just because I'm tall. You know her best friend is a nightmare. Okay, I assume her name is Marnie and Marnie is like, Okay, Jessica, I guess what? We're going to the mall today. Great, I'm excited. Steve Bid, I can't believe you fell for that. We're going to Starbees.

Ugh, so Natali is like, Hello, Om Natali, yeah, Om the Chiefs. Om the, the temporary Chiefs too. And she's like, oh wait, so they're gonna switch you out later? Like, you're not gonna be Chiefs too, she's now. You know what, the Chiefs too so they're going to switch you out later? Like you're not going to be Chief Stu. She's, no, you know what? The Chief Stu isn't responsible enough to get a visa. So I was like, I'll comply. They tomorrow, I'll be right there.

And meanwhile, Rue was telling the deck he's complaining about the situation and he's like, I mean, eight years, I've never been taken to this, never, never had to take my original certificate on any boat I've never been taken to this, never had to take my original certificate on any boat I've ever been on, not even the one where I boarded, wearing a top hat and glasses and a mustache and said no, but I'm actually a passenger, I'm a passenger, I don't work here and then they took it off and I said okay, you got me, I work here, I never had to have my originals. Normally I just, I come onto the boat in the same way that, you know, always like in somebody else's suitcase and then once the boat is going on the water, I come out and I say, look, it's me surprised.

And then I get paycheck, so I'm not really sure. And look as like, uh, yeah, I've always taken my originals, so not really heard of anybody just walking around. No, no, no, no, you know, crayon, you use a crayon, then you put on the paper. No, no, yeah, I know crayon you use a crayon and then you put on the paper Now now yeah bring my originals normally This guy's a colonel just to write So then meanwhile an Italian Jessica are cleaning and Jessica's like oh my god I love seeing the death and it's all says yeah, just the way like fizzles You know what I'm saying? I'm like just like's like, you were not supposed to yes and me.

You're supposed to correct me. And I was supposed to say, you're right. Okay, I'm starting off on the top. I'm very uncomfortable with spearheading this conversation right now. So now Laura and Haley are talking and Haley think, what does he want to say to him? Boards. And Laura's like, I like surfing and stuff.

So I want to be a captain, you know, that's what I'm going to do sometime in my life. And then we get her story. She's like, I grew up on a captain, you know, that's what I'm gonna do sometime in my life. And then we get her story. She's like, I grew up on a farm in South Africa. My family is so conservative. Like, if I say fuck, my mom is like, scrying about it. My favorite memory on a farm was cattle.

Moving them to stables to get milked. And I don't know why, but they just love to shit. Different colors they shit. Light green, dark green, dark brown, light brown. It's amazing. We used to run into it, we used to dive into the shit, and just play. It's so warm and so nice.

Hahaha. What the hell? And they just pull up some stock footage of manure. And the producers like, well, there's a lot of bacteria and shit, you know, like E. coli. She was, oh, I mean, we wouldn't open my mouth and put it in any holes, you know, because if that did you wouldn't care.

I mean, now I wouldn't care. I wouldn't do it now. Well, though, I would go on to strife. I would do it. I do it. I'm drunk now. So the captain is checking on this dude. I would go on and start with the reality. Yeah, I do it. I'm drunk. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So the captain is checking on the stews and stuff and she's talking into Natali and

she's like, OK, we've been talking to you females together. And then old room with my main coil. Oh, right, Kyle, Kyle. So what happened to Storm then? Well, you know, that's the guy in the burglar hat that you dated before now I remember you and And that's like well naturally fell apart. He's got a girlfriend now Unfortunately, he didn't tell me until we ordered dessert on Valentine's Day and then he let before the check-out

Just keep tippin' Yeah, but you know I met someone now and we started a thing together and he wants an open relationship He well, at least he said that I'm his temporary girlfriend, I guess I don't know. I'm sort of struggling with this concept She can't get out of the temp slot. That's a good point She really is a temp So Sandy was like oh so open open relationship is is dating others. It's being free to hug lots of different people And you know, it's not the it gets you know know It's like these and she starts doing like the banging thing. Yeah, the banging the gender and the whole thing So and then we go to Rue

Then we go to Rue which I we don't even know this is really happening But it looks like Rue's calling friends, but we don't hear anybody on the other line Which is rare because normally we'll hear like, Hey man, what can I do? But not on this one. We just see him, but I think he's pretending to call friends. Well, it says that he's leaving a voice memo on screen.

Well, never mind. Okay, just shot that one right out of the water. Okay, I'm just your temporary caper here. Everybody don't worry. Hey, that was a good temporary theory, but it did say on screen Void leaving a voice memo. So that lasted about as long as a brook cell was fine. I like the idea that he's doing fake phone calls though, like his con is that deep.

So he's all done it. Well, he might still might be. Why don't you, why don't you conspiracy theory up? Maybe that he's telling producers you love to voice memo, but he's just speaking into a guy. I don't hear anybody going like, up maybe that he's telling producers you let the voice memo But he's just speaking into a I don't hear anybody going like hey leave me a message. I'll be back Nothing like that. You just hear him talking. So who really knows, okay? Well also fucking for leaving voice memos like I'm so glad that Apple Finally is allowing for voice memo transcripts because oh my god We need to sit there for two minutes

to listen to someone Prattalon. It's just not fair. Yeah. Okay, go on you go on. Okay. Okay. So, yeah, so now, so he leaves basically he's living a voice memo for his friend to be like, hey, can you get my originators that are definitely in the safe that I have in that place because I definitely have a safe somewhere. I think maybe I last all eight years ago, okay, yeah, thanks so much. And then there's provisions. And Laura has, she's like stacked four crates, and she's like bringing four crates at once. And Sandy goes, look at her, showing off, huh? Wow. Hi, Dre, don't forget to hi, Dre,

have you heard of water before? Because you should drink it. Okay, just check in. And then we check in with Todd because provisions are coming in. He's the chef. And he's like, every job I've had at first have been nervous.

As a baby, I couldn't look people in the eye or anything. Up until about eight years old. I was like a zombie and then the show picture of this kid like, and he does that. He's like, wow, and ever since I woke up, haven't stopped you up since then ever since. But it's got to be my favorite backstory of all time. He was just a zombie until he was eight and suddenly woke up.

Yeah, between I was a zombie until I was eight and then I became, you know, self-aware versus I used to just run and play around in feces. I don't know. We got a lot of really colorful variations on the typical back stories here. So now, yeah, and now like a fake carry underwood type comes on the boat. Her name is Brooke, and she's in for Miami, and she's going to be the temporary thirds due. And she's not usually a stewardess. What? Yeah.

Sorry, bad guy. I was just saying on the side. A lot of Americans. A lot of Americans a lot of Americans You know it so she says that she's not normally as through this But she's usually a deckhand on smaller cell those and yachts and she's never been on something to speak before and She's excited, but she's also shooting her pants. Yeah, she's like why I'm shooting my pants I don't know how it's gonna do something Laura pooping So the captain radio's to that crew and she's like okay guys gather around guys gather around what is number rule

What is the number one rule in yawning hugsding hugs? What is the number two rule in yadding maps? And number three distances, those are important. So let's call distances. Okay, and I'll start from a distance. The world is dark. Gotta love you, bedbidler. Okay. Okay, how far from this boat to that barge?

Okay. Why don't you start three feet? Oh. Why don't you give that another shot? Try to get another shot. Oh, 50 meters? 50 meters. I'm going to say 50 meters.

And Lucas, like, no. And Laura says, 85. And Lucas, like, 100 meters. And the cat was like, no. And Laura says, 85. And Luke is like, 100 made us. And the cat was like, that's right. That's 100. Good job, Luke. Wow. So I'm a little concerned.

Luke Ruins distance wasn't really even close, okay? 50 is very different than 100. Yeah, it's a little concerning. I'm starting to start to double guess my decision to hire Rue because he's the first half of the word rules So maybe not a good idea not a good strategy So then Lucas like I can't believe how many chicks are on board. It's so nice. And there's Laura saying, you know, like I really don't like the word lesbian. Lesbian sounds horrible. I hate this word lesbian. Like I hate and then she's talking with Haley and

she's like, I hate guys., distinct. And Haley's like, they do stink, yeah, they piss everywhere. Yeah, you know, I don't like it when someone comes on to me and it's like, are you a lesbian, like fuck off, what are you? By the way, I don't think she explicitly says, she's a lesbian, but I hope she is, because otherwise this is just very homophobic.

Yeah, I think she's saying she's a lesbian, but I hope she is, because otherwise this is just very homophobic. Yeah, I think she's saying she's a lesbian, but she hates the word lesbian, right? Which I, I don't love the word lesbian either. It's a weird word. I feel like there needs to be a better word. Well, it's funny because, yeah, it feels like a... So clinical. It is clinical. It's like robotic, lesbian.

Yeah, I mean, it's like a pacifying... Robotic, but... Yeah, because like theoretically, Nisbian. Yeah, I mean, it's like a pacifinal. Not robotic, but... Yeah, because like theoretically we're all gay. Like we're all under the umbrella of gay, but it's like lesbian, is lesbian gay, or is lesbian just lesbian, but I always feel like lesbian is gay, but then gay men are like, no, but we're gay.

So you're lesbian. I don't know. It feels like... I don't know. I mean, just I'll be gay? We're all gay. Why do gays all get a simple gay, but lesbian have to be like some like encyclopedia. I don't know like Class of a missapin What's a very specific kind of gay? Okay, okay, so large goes Yeah, there you go. That's so rude. It's, a daily acting like she's doing it her whole life already. And he's like, yeah, well, maybe I'm just a cleaner.

Oh, yeah, do you want to be stood as thing? Maybe I'm like, oh, fuck that. I'm all about shaming. You know, I've never done it before today. I'm telling you what, it's really fun shaming right now. Hey, how many? How many? Sammy's are we gonna have to

Sammy before you go to the computer together? Baaah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I was gonna make a joke about how she's like using the Shammy as dental floss or something

like that because she's never used it before. But then I was like, it's really hard to actually come up with a fictional use for a Shammy that's improper because you really can use a chamois on anything. It probably even dental floss. Just some thoughts about chamois. So then, now, hey, it's time for the crew meeting. Okay, hey, everyone, welcome on board. It's great to have you. I hope you all get some

nice naps and hugs today. We got a lot of women here on deck and one self-hating lesbian don't love that. But for me it's a highlight you know and I'm just you know I want to get the pleasantries out of the way even though I guess by me saying hey it's great to have you I guess I didn't I sort of just said them. Anyway hey absolutely no drugs you can't drink on Charter and no racist comments okay because we're at the state on this TV show where we have to explicitly say it because it should be known. But for some reason, you ding-dongs keep saying things like that. So, stop. Yeah. Also, I want to introduce our chief officer Tony,

our chief officer Nicole and our other chief officer Jim Jam. Okay, just because I like that name. Don't really remember his name. Who cares? Never going to see them again. Okay, just because I like that name, don't really remember his name. Who cares, never gonna see them again. Okay, let's rock this guys, let's rock it. All right, yeah, everyone get your certificates. Okay, so cleaning, oh, sorry, not everyone. Just you, Ru, ha, cause you're lying to me. Okay, it's another all cleaning. Cleaning cleaning.

There's an Italian tells Brooke to take stuff downstairs. She's like, bro, like stuff day and state. It's in Brooke's, would you say? Sorry. She goes, take it downstairs. She's like, what? Damn the steas. I don't really understand your accent.

So I'm pretty, do you learn English? That would be great. Take it down the steering. Steers. I don't get it. So now it's time for the preference sheet meeting. And so the first client, the first primary is Dr. Kean Karini. He is my personal friend and a doctor and my doctor. He's my doctor and my friend, you know, and he turned 40 during the pandemic. And he's excited to celebrate in style three years later.

So, you know, let's do it, you know? Yeah, it's an all boys trip, guys. And Laura's like, oh, stinky. And so they want the water toys out. And they one birthday, they're gonna have coastal Italian. They want Captain to join. And she's like, I mean, guys, be prepared. And Jack's like, I'm throwing right into the depent,

the depent I'm broccoli. No, I hate that. And she's like, okay, guys, having Keon on board? That's incredible. Okay, let me tell you a story. I went to see Keon years ago, because I was in the car crash. Okay.

It was a Keon, which is sort of awkward awkward because I felt like I'd crashed him but go on I was just googling Kea. I was just googling Kea to see what crashed. I was actually I Was driving my key and then Dr. Kea and called and I was like, hey, I'm just driving my key I listen don't take your eyes off the road. That's what I learned and then I was trying to get into the office And he said I said I think the door's locked. trying to get into the office. And he said, I said, I think the doors locked. He said, put your key in. I said, Oh my God, do you just try, you're just, you're just tongue twist to me at this point. I said, you're lying. You're lying.

He said, what key I'm lying is like, yeah, you're a key in lying. You're like a key in lying pie right now. You didn't get it. Okay. So here's the thing. I was in a car crash, mostly because I was trying to drive the car on water. Okay, because very difficult to get used to. I was high on play loads too. That's not funny because I'm actually sober now. Okay, so you can say that.

It's a past tense reference. Okay, still not quite. No. So, really not one back in. Wait, hold on. While I'm here, crash in this car into the ocean Let me fish real that one back in come on back in No, oh you thought I said play loads you thought I said play loads I said I was I was way a looting a obstacle way a looting

Okay, real living cat it put it in the net. Okay, so here's the thing I crashed my car Okay, real living cat put it in the net. Okay, so here's the thing, I crashed my car, my Kia. And my right eye didn't close all the way. So he took skin from this eye and then he put it on this eye and now this eye closes. But also this eye has a hole in it. So whenever I close my... It's still...

I still... I call it my key and hold. Yeah. God, well that'll teach me not to try to out drive some Somalian pirates though. That's for sure Made quite a mess of that that parkway over there in Kissimmee, Florida. Hmm. Anyway, listen I'll tell you if you crash into a firework store it does not end well. I speak from experience Firework store it does not end well. I speak from experience Have you ever been to Kiss me Slarder Ronnie? I'm sure you have

Have you been there you've been there you've been there you've been there kiss to me you've been to kiss kiss me Yeah, no, you know that one street. You've been to that one street in Kiss me Florida Okay, you haven't been there because if you've been there you would have known the street I'm talking about no I bet got a road There's a road in Kiss me Florida Session people actually have oh Sorry, anyone is there can we he was every What never one is better keep interrupting you don't just laugh have. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyone is bit. He was every what? Everyone is. I keep interrupting you. I'm just laugh. I'm I'm I'm delirious at this point. So please. Kiss me, slayer,

eh? If the craziest road you drive down the road, and there's like 15 different fireworks stores and like gun stores and like everything's like American flags and like TGIFs and More fireworks. It is like this crazy stretch of road. I Highly recommend it. It's great. It's great. So don't get your car there because there's a lot of things that can explode off the side Between the ammunition and the fireworks, you know You just got to aim for the TGI Fridays and the worst is that you wind up covering in some Jack Daniels sauce. Yeah, got a Roman candle right in the kiss of me, you know what I'm saying? Okay, so let's move on to a super sad scene now.

Okay, let's stop laughing because this is not funny, this is very sad. Okay, so now for the sad scene, Rue is smoking on the dock, he gets a ding, and then he just starts sobbing because he has found out that one of his best friends has died. And so he's sobbing, he's talking to his friend, and he's telling us, he's the only friend he's ever had that he's known since he was a little kid,

and it's super sad. It's so sad. This is, it's really, like you actually, my heart was really breaking from him. Because at first we started crying, I thought that like something happened to the safe and the original was in that. He knew he would be out of a job. I thought that's what was happening. But then when you find out, like it was that really one of the rocks in his turbulent

life had passed, That was so sad. So now it's bedtime. And Haley is going into the top bunk and Mars on the bottom. And Haley's like, I've been on top bunk on another row. And I just think every time when I wake up and I would hit my head, it would seem so crazy. And I was like, oh, yeah, you're probably going to hit your head on there too. I'm saying, oh my yeah, you're probably gonna hit your head on there too. Oh my God. Yeah, most definitely.

And then in the other room, Jessica drops her phone charger on Brookshead. She's like, sorry, I just want you to tell me what to do with this charger. I was gonna plug it in, but I just want to get some. So it's morning time and phone alarm sound my least favorite sound ever is a fucking iPhone morning alarm. And Luca checks on Rue and Rue is talking about how, I mean, it's still sad. He's just talking about his friend that passed. And then there's a deck meeting that's all he is telling everybody what to do.

And then Brooke and Jess are working on beds and Jess is like, she's scratching the sheet wrap. working on beds and Jess is like, she's scratching the sheet. She's with our fingernails. She's like, like, I just hiccuped because I'm a laughing toe or a wallet drink and so on. And Brooks, like, what is that do? And she says, it's supposed to release wrinkles. That's what my friend told me one time. And then she tells us, I'm not a teacher.

I'm a follower. She hates being in even the lightest position of authority, having to explain the wrinkle method. So, and then Haley upstairs is like, I'm like sweating like a wearing church. Largest. What's a horn church? Oh my God, dude. So now it's 37 minutes before shot. Everyone's getting ready, changing into their wides. And Nats asking Luca for help putting on her apple lads. And now the guys are coming down the deck or the dock. Rather, they're coming down the dock.

And they're lining up. The captain's like, Chef, you're right next to me. This is Chef, you're telling us to sing it now. I'm one of your A's. Oh no, one back in zombie mode. Oh no, there you go. Chef, stop, stop, stop, try to eat my arms, Chef, stop it, wake up.

Oh, here I am back again. Arms on my vegetables. So, the doctor Kirin comes on and they're hugging and everything and saying to us, are you 40 years young, so good to see you through moisturized eyes because those eyelids closing all the way? You know what I'm saying?

Good to see you. And he's like, you got it. It's just like crazy. The kind of voice laugh. I don't know how to do it. And the captain's like, okay, guys, we're gonna launch every toy we can for you. And the crew's gonna show you a good time, okay?

First game we're gonna play is Pinda Certificate and the crew is going to show you a good time. Okay. First game we're going to play is Pinda certificate and the Bozin. You want to start, Karen? Can't be the cap, you the copy. There's a twist. Okay. So I'll start first. I'll start first. Let me close my eye. Oh, can still see still see out of it. Thanks, Kirin. So they're bringing the decades are bringing the the bags on board. And Rue is like texting his friend about the originals. And then the the guests decide to do a tour. They've decided to go into the galley. So Jack is like, welcome to my dungeon. And Dr. Kirin is one of these guys who's like, no pressure, but the past couple of days we've been in Italy. We've had about 20 collective Michelin stars,

so we're really looking forward to seeing what you can do. Oh wow. That's all mean to do that to a chef. Obviously, like, why would you do that to a chef? Why do you put him on, you know, like? This is fucking doucy dude. Like, congratulations, I've murdered people. That's what I would say in response. Well, just no pressure congratulations, I've murdered people. That's what I would say in response.

Well, just no pressure, but I've killed people. So they like, okay, I'm standing on my couch. Could you imagine going to like a restaurant and be like, well, I've just had a been into a lot of Michelin star restaurants. So let's see what this one can do. It's like you would never do that to a place that does not Michelin stars. He's a douche. So Jacks, I can't get excited.

My third of Martin. And so he's like, I'm glad we're excited, my third of button. And so he's like, usually I thrive on pressure about this, it's seriously squeaky, but in time, all right. So then the captain gets a phone call and it is MCA, okay? And they've been reviewing documents of all the people they have on board.

And one, after reviewing them, there are some questions, and she's like, RULRUL. Lay it on me, MC. Lay it on me. I want to hear something. So they're like,

well, we have some concerns about, we have some concerns. I'm turning a Irish. We have concerns about that. I have no idea how to do that. I don't, I'm just putting a placeholder in it. I don't know. One, a. I don't, I'm just putting a placeholder in it. I don't know it. Well, I don't document us, specifically as yacht masters. So the yacht masters, which I love by the way that there's a certification called yacht

masters. It's like toast masters, but in yachting. So I'm sure it's like a very high level degree. I'm not making one of those to the cheap to the congrats. So but his, oh god, I don't get the yacht masters after me. The yacht masters? Well, every, you know, you never know where it's gonna come from. It's like, I studied.

Listen, I went and I went to SUNY Maritime and I got my yacht masters. So anyway, his yacht masters certification has an issue, Ruse. So, because I'm just like, okay, hey, I'm gonna scan it while you're on the phone and I'm gonna scan with my eyes because I can, because they're scaring on them, on them both. So, didn't he say one document is specifically

the Yachtmasters? I think the Yachtmasters document is messed up. And so she's like, oh, I thought he was saying, he stole it from the yacht master. Like he ripped off the yacht master's document. Oh, I thought it was that there's a certification called yacht masters. I'm going to look at that. Yacht masters. So she's like, oh my God, you've got to be kidding me. This is someone else's picture on Rwand certificate. This is, this is Hannah banana. Oh, no. This is like a whole different level. This is Hannah Banana. Oh no, this is like a whole different level.

This is not okay. This is Hannah's just there smoking a cigarette in the picture. Oh really? There's another welcome to Hannah Banana's revenge, honey. There is another person's picture on his certificate, like another face. Like, and I think the guy's face had a mustache. Like, it's a whole lot of what are you doing? What is, what is, it's like Fred Flintstone

or something on there. It was so funny. And she's like, this is a whole nether level. This is not okay. So wait, are you telling me that the entire vessel could be arrested because of one crew member and go to prison? And he's like, you can be detained in port. Just, oh my God, thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will take care of this immediately, Mary time, Mary time law.

So Natalia is calling people to, you know, everybody's going about their business. And Captain calls Rude the bridge. John, John, John. But before, but then of course, Dr. Kieran interrupts. And he's like, Hey, where's my captain? So she comes out of a door and she has a coffee and she goes, I need one of these. I think we're departing in an hour. She's like, you think we're departing? I mean, I thought, get on a yacht, go wherever you want. I guess that's not the case.

I mean, okay. She's like, yeah, well, you know, I got a con artist on board. Oops, I shouldn't have said that part. But yeah, you're in safe hands except we're about to fire the fake hands that you were supposed to be in. And now you're gonna be in no one's hands. Hey, you know what? I want you to be stressed out, okay?

I just had to get a cup of coffee and walk into the walk-in real quick and curse normas God damn name. Okay, but we're good now. We're good now. Just go back out there and act natural. Go back out there and talk about how many Michelin stars you've eaten. Yeah. Oh, this, this spread on my forehead. Oh, yeah, no, that's intentional. I like to spritz myself up. Oh, yeah, on my handshake. Oh, it's the coffee. It's just so much caffeine, you know, everything's fine, everything's totally fine. So now she has her meeting with Rue,

where he's like, oh, you were calling me and she's like, yeah, so the officer just had me scan this. Is this really you? And he's like, yeah, yeah, the 100% that's me. And she goes, then why do you have Hannah Banana's face? Whoever issued this, this is not yours. And guess what? Hannah faked it too, because Hannah didn't have a yacht master's. So where did you go to school?

Roo. Don't make a roo's out of either roo. Well, it was on a boat and a ticket expired and we needed a ticket, but we needed to get quickly. So a guy came on the boat and he issued us tickets like what? No. That doesn't explain why Tony the Tiger is on your certification for yacht masters. Yeah, to get this, you have to go to a class rule. This is a class. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so did you go to school? Excuse me. What? He's like literally doing, scratching his head, picking his ears, looking around. I mean, he's doing a very bad job lying. Very, very bad. Yeah, he literally is, and he is so caught.

He like doesn't even have a cover story for his con artistry. And he's like, pardon, yeah, yeah. And she's like, okay. And yeah, to be honest with me, I mean, really, like if yeah, yeah, she's like, okay, and, and, uh, you have to be honest with me. I mean, really, like, if you did go to a class, you're like, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I did all that. And she's like, where'd she go? Uh, I was in Monaco, Marcao, New York City. Monaco, we had, uh, practical on a button, Monaco, and she's like, oh, monaco, so you

can't get your yacht masters in monaco. Boop got ya. They don't have a school in monaco. Boom. Big red flag. Okay, your past red flag. Your past red flag. Yeah. Okay. He couldn't, let's not forget that he thought the barge was 50 feet away. Okay. This is someone who is like, what's the opposite of master? Like yacht derelict? I don't know. Like that's what his certification is in. Yeah. And he's telling us, what does that even mean? I've been on boats for three years with that same ticket. I swear to God, the last thing on my mind is the tickets, is the ticket being false. Like everything, I mean, come on. Dude, you have somebody else's face on there. What are you? Just go.

Just Sam's screaming. Go. He's so handy. He's like, okay, I have to leave you on the deck. Okay. And so we have to, we're going to verify this. And if it's verified, then attend or we'll bring you back on the boat.

But since you're probably a con artist, then you probably won't get on the boat. So unfortunately, we got to move. So go ahead and get yourself off this boat and you know we'll see us sometime, see you later alligator, you know, it's not you, it's me, all those things. And he's just dumbfounded. And she tells us, you know, I'm a factual person. I'm seeing what I see and mistakes happen, but I'm not sure that's the case. Either way, I'm without a boson.

So she texts Norma. She's like, damn it, Norma. Could you get me an actual boson this time instead of using your casting couch off Craigslist? I mean, good Lord, I hope the lay was worth it. She's in cracker's woman. You're literally gonna be the death of me. Bloop.

Hey Sandy, hey Sandy, it's Norma. Listen, I'm sorry that didn't work out. I just like to save my good bosons for the competent captains. Okay. But anyway, there's someone here who just got off work from Starbucks. Do you want me to send them over? Bloop. Bloop. Oh, hi there, Norma. Thanks so much for texting me back. While you know when I was texting HR, I was thinking that was human resources. Resources not horrible resources you got the moron okay. Okay well okay I'm gonna look in my files and see what I can do. By the way congrats. Congrats to still being allowed to

sail boats on the on the ocean. I thought that for sure that you've been lost your license ages ago just from just from failing the stupid tests Oh really so just because I tried to drive one car in the water you think I'm stupid You know what screw you Nora, but by the way P.S. kind of good fight with you again. I've missed you. I love you Blue love you to can't wait to see footage of your boat rocking left and right for no good reason, because the air conditioning is tied to the boosters for some hack-a-maybe. But reason that only you can understand, because you're an idiot. Okay, bye, honey.

Bloop. Bitch. Bloop. Bigger bitch. Mm-hmm. So, Haley and Lara are in the galley doing dishes, and Haley think, Hey, if you were in Kitchener Plans, when I'm going to do the... In Varca's skissa.

And Haley goes, that's actually not really an appliance, that's like Marva tool. And then Laura, meanwhile, was like doing the like, the sizzling hand gesture, she's doing it over and over again. And she's like, no, no, I get, I get why you say that. So that goes, okay, not lesbian, but gay. I like to see us as Sizzarin.

They're talking about China. Oh, but you two. And then Laura's napkin slaps her butt. And then we go over the jack and jacks like, make sure you give them some of the kale there. I see the guys really like Italian food and we've got the best tomatoes, the best mozzarella, the best fish. As a chef, I believe the natural beauty will come through. You don't need to fuck about making lamb chops and stuff. Is that what you said? So, you don't need to make swans and ordinary things, But I'm going to serve some lunch, chops for lunch.

So thank you. They, they, uh, the gas are cheering, doing toasting, cheers, and whatever. And they're serving lunch and everything, but they're still sitting there. The boat's not moving. And, um, Navru is calling his friend about the yacht. My path there. He's like, hey, on its own help with this.

Apparently someone figured out that I used Mr. Bell video and my certification. So do you think you could forge something from me really quickly? Thank you so much. So we still never hear another voice on the end of the phone, which is super fishy, I think. So the captain's like, okay, you know what? Have the pretty boy come up here, okay? Okay, listen here. I think he's on the second floor.

Mm, Luca, okay. And the opposite, okay? So I've had an incident. Yes, I do have a hole in my eyelid. Just try and have to look at it, okay? So we have to leave Rue at the dock until he can verify his info, okay? Because I don't know. I'm not sure.

But I need an interim boasting and you're the hottest one. Also, the other girl just every time I pass her in the hallway, she just keeps doing scissor, scissor fingers at me. So I can't really promote her. And the other girl, the other girl doesn't know what a chamois. Yes. Other girl. She said, Hey, take a look at this.

It's amazing what they can do with technology and she's just pointing to a light switch. She burped in my face. So congratulations, you win. Okay. You know what, I have to get this boat off the dock. I mean, I don't have a lot of choices because last I heard they need to slip

for a big, big ship carrying some Janoa Salami, okay salams is I call it so look at the best choice Okay, so we're gonna go with him so now lamb lollipop are going around and everyone loves the food and Jack tells us right now All my anxiety has gone and I'm in food blown conference, but oh don't Sorry temporary zombie. Okay. I'm in conference, but uh, hold on. Sorry, temporary zombie. Okay, I'm Harry Potter. The zombie that there. I got a little zombie. I got real confident and then I became a zombie. But now I'm like Harry Potter.

I think Galle is my hog works. You're more of a Ron Weasley. I mean, I'm sorry to be the one I have to tell you this. So then, um, not since Jess to check on Brooke and make sure she's picking up the pace, and now we see that Brooke is just like a total dodo. She's just like, though, like moving very, very slowly. And so Jess finds her,

and she's very confused in the main. And Jess is like, so how are you doing today, and Brooke's like, I'm not sure how to hang pants. Like, I don't think folding is one of my specialties. And Jessica's like, well, but you know how to fold socks, right? And Brooke is like, um, I mean, it's like two pieces of small fabric. Thanks to each other.

Okay, I'll show you how to do that. I'll show you how to do it. And she's like, oh my god, why is Brooke here? She's like so green. Like she's like green on the boat, but she's also green in real life. She's like a bright green, like a super green. Oh, which makes sense.

And she is, we find out the errors to the sprouts, dynasty, so it makes sense that she's green. So Haley, get, get it. So Haley is asking Rue when they're gonna get underway. And he's like, oh yeah, we're gonna leave. We're gonna leave soon. Oh, no, he's leaving. He's gotta get off the boat. So she's like, oh my god. What the fuck is going on? Like we just got here and like on top of that, they're putting like this fabric in my hair They want me to like wipe surfaces with it like there's just like so much going on

They just keep telling me to shimmy and I do do, but then they're like, no, clean. I don't get it. So there's like, what are you doing? Why are you leaving? And he's like, oh, I'm leaving, but I'm coming back. Okay, bye. And so definitely coming back,

because I tell the truth, I'm definitely coming back. Hmm. So then the main doctor, Kirin, drops his, or doctor, Keon, sorry, drops his phone in the hot tub. And his friend freaks out and like, he freaks out and just dives into the hot tub so quickly. It was like, wow, you're a big kiss ass. This guy's a huge kiss ass, right?

I guess, I guess Kean's paying for everything. It, this was like a TikTok video, like this phone drops and he, this person dove into that hot tub head first. I was like, and he's like grabbing it. He finally emerges and then one of the other guys goes, you know iPhones are waterproof, right? So then Adam leaves.

By the way, also, sorry, I keep on saying Dr. Curin because it is Dr. Kean and I just don't know why I'm saying Curin. Oh, I wasn't correcting you. I was correcting myself. No, I'm, this is a note to the audience. I don't know where to all the clients out there. Guys, yeah, SARS. So Adam leaves and Lucas like for someone to walk out and

a yacht without original certificate, that's really weird. Like if you get pulled over by the cops and you show a photocopy of your driver's license, what do you think they're going to do? What do you think they're going to do? Cut to storm. Well, I remember when I was six years old and I got pulled over by the police because I was driving my mom's car and they said, do you have any identification? I showed them a picture of a rainbow I just made. and they said, do you have any identification on show them a picture of a rainbow I just made. So then, um, Laura is scared of her first charter. I'm scared of this first charter and I can't even believe that they're allowed to do it. Okay, you've got a boat, you've got no boats in,

you've got Luca who is not, I mean, admittedly, no, we're even close to being qualified. And then you've got these other two don't know how to do any literally anything on the ship. I think it's because they had the first officer. They've got the first officer who can basically act as. Bosen because apparently first officer is a higher rank than Bosen anyway. I feel like those boys so much attention put on to Bosen's like they're like so high up. But apparently on real boats, Bosen's are not like first officers are really the top of that category there. So they're gonna leave the boat, they're gonna leave the dock. And then on top of that, there's a pilot that has to come on because this is actually,

it really is such a huge port. You know, we've seen this show, they will just like dock in some random ass place, like on Bullock Adventure when they went to like a little fishing town with a yacht, every boat there was like a canoe, and then they bring their biggest yacht into this port, and it's like tiny. But this one has like cargo ships, like massive, massive vessels and cruise ships.

So this is like a really, really big port. I think it's actually a little scary person. I feel like that we should not be filming a reality TV show around all these big boats. Yeah, so, it's actually a little scary, personally. I feel like that we should not be filming a reality TV show around all these big boats. Yeah, so, uh. It's dangerous, right? What? I feel like it's dangerous.

I feel like we shouldn't have like, you know, we have a girl on here who doesn't even know how to use a chamois. We have another one who doesn't even know how to fold socks. And we're supposed to have this vessel that is equipped with these people navigating around giant cruise ships

and barges that just feels so dangerous. Yeah, it is scary. So she's like, okay, chief engineer, please light up our engine, Mr. Nico, whatever I should have listened earlier when I was making funny your names. And the pilot comes on and Laura's like, oh, fuck, here we go.

And they're releasing the lines. And it's really pilot comes on and Laura's like, oh fuck, here we go. And they're releasing the lines. And it's really scary. And then Lucas's like, oh my god, this is so big. I'm so big. Oh my god. I don't want to be the guy that they're like, oh my god, you just hit the dock.

I need to guess this crazy. I'd laugh. And then the captain's like, what's his speed? Seven knots. The pilot's like, oh my god, six knots, seven knots, seven knots. That's the pilot dude. Oh my god.

We did it. It was great. The pilots are like, you know, they're, nine, seven, nine, seven, nine, that's the pilot dude, oh my god. We did it. It was great. pilots are like, you know, they're like live Google maps, you know, because they just know all the traffic in the Marina cut to the pilot being like, in 500 feet, I go in to make a left turn, nah, in 250 feet, I make a left turn, nah, in 500 feet, I make a left turn,

nah, in 50 feet? I know Google maps You turn I can't make a you turn right here you turn I can't do why does it keep telling me to make a you turn you turn Seven minutes low down ahead you'll see it on the fastest route. Oh well then Why did you tell me in the first place? I just want you to know If this is supposed to be the slowest route, why do you have me turning in front of over two lanes at traffic? Goddamn Google maps. Are we routing? We're routing. So Jack is talking about how he's gonna do Wagyu and lobster for the main course and Luke is talking about water toys and all that and the doctor, by the way,

is having them iron a zillion things for him. Just kind of surprised. Yeah, I don't like him. I don't like this doctor. Fuck this. I don't like the doctor either. And then the pilot leaves, which I thought was cute because he gets on his little boat.

Did he like attach his little boat to the big boat? I think he did because he gets on to his little boat and has he goes off because bye-bye. It's the equivalent of one hour zoom recorder when you turn off, it goes, see ya. It always makes me laugh. See ya. Oh yeah. That makes me laugh. So now it's night time. So now it's night time in Portofino.

And Luca is teaching Haley how to call colors on the chain. She's like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And she's like, okay, you'll hear me calling colors so you'll know when to stop, right? And she's like, hmm. All right. Because when I say blue, then you stop there, right? Say hmm.

I'm freaking out on the inside. Because I have skills. Oh no. Sorry. Look at those loo goes line. Never mind. I'm going to back off right now. Buh.

Green. Green. Green. Green. Are you looking at the ankle? You're looking at the sham is. Oops. The sham is.

I'm freaking out on the inside. I have the skills and I know how everything works, but I've never had to manage a full team, but if I get to you, make it, am I right? That's just what got real fast. That's just the problem. Two cents. It's more like, you know what,

I've never done this before. We've got the biggest vessel I've ever worked on. I'm massively underqualified, one wrong move, and I could send us all to the bottle of the ocean. But you know what though, I just remember it on hot. So never mind, a lot more care for me. Ha ha. Um, so now, let's see, the guys are in weird clothes.

The doctor is in another hat. He loves his hat. He's a hat person. He does. And we're gonna have surf and turf tonight. Okay. And the captain's like, wow, Jack, you're doing surf and turf, huh? That's something.

You know you have a big act to follow. Okay. Let's roll the clips of Dave, not acting like an insane stalker at all. The only thing that Dave is going to be obsessed with in this clip is mirror glaze. Roll it. Yeah. Let's look at three cases of Miracles. Hey, are we, do we have enough room in that montage for Dave not being able to make one of the simplest things ever? Pancakes? No. Okay.

No. Okay. No cycle, no cycle footage for Dave. Okay. We'll just stick with Miracles. Because I guess he works out enough. Okay. So, um, Sandy's going to join, she joins for dinner. She's like, oh, Sandy's gonna join, she joins for dinner. She's like, oh, fancy. And then this, then nothing talked her key in. This was so set up by Sandy. She's like, you know, she was like, hey, when you come on board, please ask me this.

She goes, hey, you know, none of us know your full story, Sandy. I'm like, that's a lie. She tells her full story every single chance she gets. So she's like, oh, well, if you you want to go shall we begin at the beginning? Okay, so you know honestly this career for me. I feel like it saved my life in so many ways You know, I was a good kid and then my neighbor well Give me a quailude and that changed my life and then I was on a drug train and I kept getting arrested. Arrested on the train.

God, could you imagine? And one day I woke up and it was just another groundhog day. I mean, Andy McGal was literally there. I was like, you do quailos too. And she said no. And then I realized I gotta get sober. It's just so cute standing McGalif. Don't quailoods.

Tame for rehab. And so the doctor's like, oh, you quit gold tricking the insanity. Did you quit gold tricking? Ha ha ha. She's like, no, you quit gold tricking the insanity. Did you quit gold tricking? No, I didn't. I got help. And go, well, that's the important thing. It takes a professional kind of like your eye.

Show off your eye, Sandy. Show it off. We can't have Sandy. I did that. Yeah. So Sandy goes, you know, so I answered an ad in the paper to pay my fines and started washing boats. And then I think I just, I had so many chances that now I feel like it's my job to mentor people.

So that's what I do. I mentor them. And then I fire them. Oh, how many chances do you give them, Sandy? How many chances? Like three. He goes, that's admirable. That's admirable.

Three chances. Wow. So pretty standard number guys. You can get off the floor. So Haley's like, I mean, when I hate touching bonuses, no people's food. It's shoot up. It's disgusting. So I do that work because like we've washed all the dishes, but I hate every minute of washing dishes. And then we just see more food, more foods going out. It all looks really good. And then Natalia is giving Brooke order. She's like, okay, Brooke, this is not complicated, but it's just something I'm you know, like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is Brooke speaking. Excuse me, Natalia's gonna step out to the side. I was just, as I was Nat this hall I was just temporarily doing Brooks Lawens now she can take over so Brooke is like

No, it's not complicated work. It's just something I've never done before like folding socks who does that? I would you know I would love to be a captain one day Sockless captain and my dad was a captain and he was the biggest motivation my life My dad came up with Sprout's Grousees tour and then she says that her dad died at last year, which is really sad. And he told her to do something happy. So she's starting here. So maybe the reason why she can't do socks is because maybe she was like really wealthy growing up. And so she just never had to do it. And now she's like humbling herself by working on a boat.

Who knows? So then Jack is decorating it. I don't know. I'm not giving her a thought because I don't know if she's permanent. You know what I mean? That's so rude to say, because some people attempt for a living. I used to attempt for a living, and that is how people are. They're like, why would I even speak to you? You know, I'm going to be here tomorrow. And I was like, that really hurt my feelings, you guys.

But I do feel that way now about Brock. I'm like, I don't care. Although I do love the props. I love the props too. I'm glad that she brings sprouts to this table. Yeah. So then Jack decorates his cake and the doctor is like, I wish I was done a doc in Portofino. We did it. Hey guys, I did it. I got my birthday wish.

And then Natalia's in the galley talk to Jack. She's, today I have three slices of cue come back. And he's like, that's what you're so skinny. And she goes, no, I swear to God, baby, it's got BIC. Like, wait, do you see me throw it back on the dance floor? Just wait till you see me do it. I'm like, I'm okay if we don't have to see that. If she's so funny, how she says it, she is.

Wait, you really see me throw down on the D floor. Okay. So, Jack's like, I like when her chief is supportive of the chef. She's really impressed me to be honest. And then we go to Brooke and she's finally finishing the batter. She says, oh my god, this bed was my Everest. So, the UK, okay, Madeline's happy. God, this bed was my Everest. So the cake and Madeline is happy is serve it.

She would give herself a gold star. And she hopes Sandy gives her one to. And now the guys are going to the hot tub. Well, Jess is cleaning and Jack is talking about his story. He's like, thank God it's gone well. Whoo. I've cooked all around the world. I've won the Michelin Knife and Farca Ward when I was 23. The thing with me is a shift when I've gotten to the highest place in my job. I've always left and gone somewhere back to the bottom.

Are you sure you left? Is this a season of people just faking it? I don't believe you've still. You know, I think my brother was always the spot to one and me sister was the academic and I was just a little wrong little child zombie. And so I should be healthy mentally now because, you know, I'm too old to still complain about it, but that need to impress never left me. Oh my gosh, you are excellent chef, not mirror glaze, God. Maybe I'll like him in the future. Well, thanks for not being Dave.

I'm sorry, I just can't find the right words. Really nice job that could have had a Miracleize on it. You know what, I'm just gonna go to bed. You know what, let's just end this note. And let's end this evening on a high note, because surely nothing could go wrong for me. Okay, oh hold on, I got a phone call from... from Rue.

Yeah, remember, he was the guy who used to be on this boat. Okay, I'm sure he has some good news for me. So she answers the phone and Rue is like, yeah, I don't think I can get the tickets in on time because they don't exist. Oops, sorry. I don't want to hold the vessel up either. So I'm just gonna go home, even though I don't know where that home is, but I'm going to go there to wherever it

is and I'm not coming back. So this transmission will explode in 10 seconds. Goodbye. And she's like, oh my god, I appreciate the honesty. What honesty? He's not said one honest thing. So she's like, you know, Norm is going to pay for this. So then we go to Jess and Matt talking. And Jess is like, so did you leave a list for Brooklyn? She wakes up. I'm well, I told her to start laundry, but I'm gonna leave her a note. You know, and I do have an early girl, chick list,

but it's just gonna overwhelm her if we give eight to her. She's gonna freak her out. And Jess is like, I think you're going to easy on her. Well, if you know, if all I have to do is do all these things, she's just gonna die. She goes, oh, excuse me, we are splitting the same tip. Excuse you. You're the second. You're supposed to be falling mind instructions. I know I just, I had to, I had to say that's the way you'd boss me around. Sorry about that. That's all I needed. Please just boss me around. And she's like, yeah, but you know, she's from the deck.

And she goes, well, that doesn't mean she's not able to do anything. She's just, yeah, but it's literally her first day yachting. I mean, just needs to chill the fuck out. It's her first night. Procourses' cream is coming at the frog. She sprints the bank in the inner interior. A 55-meter boat should run with four stairs

and she needs to sit on the end. I mean, you want to fight with me? Let's take it out on the D-floor system. So, meanwhile, Luca has questions for Sandy about anchor watch. And then, which is fine, it just shows he's taken initiative. And then, Haley is going to be on anchor watch. I don't know, it feels like they's taken initiative. And then Haley, yeah, Haley's gonna be on Anchor Watch. I don't know, it feels like they're setting up like something's terrible.

Terrible's gonna happen with Haley on Anchor Watch. But actually, it's like more or less fine. So Lucas just basically saying he just really has been charting the deep end. But he's like, I'm worried that I don't know what I don't know. What's it like to be not pretty? Like, I didn't know that. That scares me.

So then it's the morning and Laura is sniffing cheese in the galley and Jack's like, sniff it. You're gonna sniff the flavor away. Get away from the cheese, sniff her. She's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. So then the captain is texting with Norma. She's like, whoa, hey Norma, you still pretend

to do your job over there or what? Hmm. Hey, hey Captain Sandy. So I saw you don't have a boss on, but you know what? I don't have a fuck to give unfortunately. So guess what? I'm drinking margues in Hawaii right now. Hope you having fun wherever you are in salams. Blu.

Listen here, you dumb slut. I'll take an outer with opposable thumbs at this point. Do your job. Blu. Blu. Oh, that outer has been hired to take over below deck adventure. So would you be open to just like a stone with a smiley face on it? Blu. Oh my gosh. Stony smiley face on it. Bloop. Oh my gosh, Stony smiley people holding hands in my right. God, you remember when we danced to that? Yours God. I could stay up all night dancing with you. And I never will again unless you get me a goddamn person who knows what they're doing over here.

Sandy, bloop. I mean, no, I'm not bloop. Bloop. You know what? I love that song, shiny, happy people. I actually feel that song the most when I'm not hearing from you. Bloop. Are you actually going to do your job today or can I expect the likes of Meredith Baxter Bernie showing up here with 40 papers again?

Well, you know what? I would take Meredith Baxter Bernie over any one of your hair styles. You know what? Every hairstyle I've ever had has actually been called the Meredith Baxter Bernie. Gat just stupid. Okay, love you, slut. Bloop. Yeah, I love you too.

Hey, I'll send you a postcard from Hawaii. Bye. So, now the phone rings and she's like, Norma, you're kidding me. Not for two weeks. Now, what do I do? What? Do, I do. Don't don't. Oh no, things are going awry.

So I guess we'll have to wait to see what happens. But this is definitely a should show to start the season. At least the boat's working. That we know of so far. For now. For now. Thanks everyone for being here. We really appreciate it. We have a whole slate of recaps coming up later this week. So stick around for that. Be sure to subscribe on our podcast feed. Leave us a review on iTunes,

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