Watch What Crappens - #218: TY for the Car, Still Hate Your Man

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

This week on Watch What Crappens, Ben (bsideblog, The Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) spend quality time at the Beador Family Eatery talking about almost cancer, almost Christianity, and almost David. David? After Real Housewives of Orange County, we mess around with RHONY's Secrets Revealed and finish with a Married to Medicine scream fest to celebrate a really cheap vacation. Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch?id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part, Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com forward slash crappins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crappins. Get over there and read some people, y'all. Happens. crap What happens when there's so much that crappens? It's so fun to watch what crappens.

Oh, I mean, it's so fun to watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Today's episode of Watch What Crappens was brought to you by premium subscribers Claudia Catalina and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. Now on to the show. Hello, welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about. I'm Bravo. I'm Ronnie Cameron from Trash Talk TV. And with me is the gorgeous, suntanned, lovely, smooth-skinned, beautiful, glowing Ben Mantelker of the B-Side blog. Hello there Ben.

Hello there. I wouldn't say that I'm smooth skinned based on the giant pimple on my cheek. But that's okay Chica. Well I'm sure that it's falling right in line and that it's a smooth pimple Ben. It's a smooth pimple Raider. There's not a bump on that pimple.

The pimple has no pimples. No actually it was like one of those that pimple the pimple has no pimples no actually there it was like one of those like um multi pimple pimples you know yeah you know it's cluster so you like go to pop it be like oh wait there are two right there and the other two aren't ready so when you want to go to pop one the other two get all weird and then your it gets extra red and it looks worse than when you first started all right please welcome the pimple-clustered, puss-filled, disgusting, leaking Ben Mandelko of the B-side blog and the Banta blog.

This episode is PC, as in... Pimple-clustered. Yeah, if you want a little dose of non-PC, please head over to our bonus episode that we just recorded about fat shaming and shaming fat shamers and shaming shame let's shame shame shame on you for shaming the shameful sameness yeah the shame i don't feel what yeah shame everybody man all right everybody let's just all cry together all right yeah so anyway that's it our bonus episode you can find that

on patreon.com it's a subscriber episode of course and thank you to everybody who's subscribing over there go check it out we're gonna start some new stuff yeah yeah and uh also come to our facebook page facebook.com slash watch what crappens because uh that is where you guys post really funny shit all week long. Yes. And you know, we got a message on Facebook. We are really bad podcasters about this, okay? Because this past weekend in Del Mar, Del Mar, California,

shit went down. Uh-oh. Was that in the crock top? Yeah. There was a bachelorette party, I heard. Rumor has it there was a bachelorette party

and a certain lady from portland named natalie was doing the full bachelorette thing and we wanted to say congratulations last week but we forgot because that's how we roll well you know after your bachelorette party um you feel kind of depressed like oh it's over now well so don't feel depressed we love you we're your post yes exactly and what's really exciting is that natalie is uh marrying somebody david david david So I'm looking forward to Natalie and David and their chandelier home, wherever

it may be. David, why didn't they say anything about my bachelorette party on the podcast? David? David? David? David. Last year at the bachelorette, I was waiting for a shout-out, and it never came. David? David. I was at a bachelorette party, and I got a straw shaped like a penis and I

thought, wow, that's more penis than I had seen in a long time. David? David? What do you say about that, David? Here lies Natalie, killed by lack of shout outs from Watch What Happens. David? David. Here is Natalie who has died because her

soon-to-be husband, David, is letting other people slurp from his penis straw. So thank you for killing me. Thank you, David. David? So the reason why we know all this is because Natalie's friend, Molly, messaged us and was like, can you please give a shout-out to her? Because we're going to be—she lives in California, Natalie's up in Portland, and they love the podcast. So we've ruined everything, is basically what we're going to be together. She lives in California. Natalie's up in Portland.

And they love the podcast. So we've ruined everything. We did. You know why? Because at the Bachelorette party they were going to be together and they were going to listen to the episode together because they never get to listen to it together because they're in different cities. So what did we do?

We fucked that up. We made that so awkward. Molly's sitting there like, okay, here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Listen. She's like, what?

Jesus, this show is five hours. How long do we have to listen to this? We're like, we want to give a shout out to the girl who turned 40 on my Fab 40th. Remember when Ramona shouted out at the waiter and was really rude to him? So we were basically the David to their Shannon. Yeah, sorry. That's how much you can trust men, even us.

Listen to our warnings on this show. Do not trust men. David. David. Where's our shout out, David? Anyway, sorry about that. And congratulations and happy bachelorette. Yeah, I hope it went well.

I hope no one got arrested. I hope you got to see many male strippers. That's really all you could ask for in life, right? To see muscles and go to jail time. I hope that Mama Joyce would have been mortified if she had been there. Yeah, you have to let us know how it went. And you have to also, Molly, let us know how awkward it was when you didn't hear the shout-out that we promised to give Natalie.

All right. So today's show's been we've got a lot of shows to type in. We got a lot of living to do. Which would you like to talk about first? I think Orange County. I think Orange County is where to go all right let's do it let's do it i'm opening my orange county county notes i'm gonna make these larger because i'm getting older and it's hard for me to see on a little tiny macbook air you're gonna have to start using

the accessibility tab from your control panel and soon it makes everything work like bullshit trust me i've used it already you use it and then it's like only works on some things and on other things like you need to use the zoom button everybody okay that's just it yeah so um speaking of eye problems the episode began with megan king edmonds cutting onions uh and she didn't want to get, she didn't want to, I guess, cry and ruin her makeup, so she was cutting them like she was dealing with radioactive material. Like, her arm was all the way out, and she just was, like, tapping it with the edge of the knife.

And doesn't know how to cut it at all, and Jim's like, God, you don't even know how to cut an onion. She's like, Jimmy, uh, uh, Jimmy, it's harder. It's harder. Jimmy, I don't want to cut an onion like your other wives I want to make this home my own and cut onions the way I want to by poking at them

he's like those other two were bitches but at least they knew how to cut an onion Jesus Christ yeah we bicker because we love each other she's like I can't get Hayley to listen to me because she doesn't even take my onion cutting seriously. Jim has ruined that. I like when he's like, boxes have directions.

Just read the directions on the box. And she's like, ugh. Well, because she said that she doesn't know how to make rice. And the fact, the thing that was so sad was not that the directions were on the back, but the box said minute rice. Like it takes a minute, Megan. Megan? I start rice. She's like, I can't read the directions on the box because there's a tape with the ex-wife's name on it.

I want my own rice. I wish I knew how to correct Haley's homework, but I'm too busy reading rice instructions. Haley? This is how this rice box, this is what it has to do with economics. Haley, this is your lesson for today. You have to read these rice instructions and then tell me how they work. And I don't want to have to correct anything. Okay, you're leaving? Okay, here's $100. Okay, have fun. Have fun.

Wear a condom. I feel so alone. She didn't even make the rice that I told her to make. Do you know how hard it is? All I'm trying to do is raise her. And, like, she can't even raise... She can't even make rice. Like, she can't even read instructions for me.

Like, am I doing something wrong? Am I not cut out to be a mother? for me like am i doing something wrong am i not cut out to be a mother when she gets home she'll be like hayley i made the rice for you it's in the fridge i'm so alone she's up late at night working with a red pen the the rice instructions. Like, this is wrong. This is wrong. Why did she... Why do they say that the rice takes a minute? We all know that rice takes more than a minute. It's because it's minute rice.

You don't know that. She's like in the laundry room waiting to hear if she can hear the fridge open. Maybe Haley will eat my rice. Then I won't feel like such a bad mother. She just went to bed I feel so alone I just want Hayley to realize that like

I can make rice for her too you know like I'm her mom now just because you just had rice at your other mom's house doesn't mean you can't have rice again at my house I just wish that when Jim and I got married the rice that they threw at us was cooked and that Haley was the one that cooked it

do I have to give birth to the rice for it to count? does it have to come out of me? I still want you to love that rice every time I go to a sushi restaurant, I'm reminded of all the rice that Haley never makes for me. I'm like, wow, this sushi waiter

really must have a kid who loves him and reads the directions for him. That's love. I feel so alone. The other day, I was reaching under my breasts and I felt rice. Oh my God. Almost cancer.

The return of almost cancer. Almost cancer rears its ugly head. People are being mean to me because I'm saying something about cancer, and I probably might maybe have it, too. So, like, cue the music. Yeah, suddenly Megan decides that it's not enough to be adjacent to cancer she has to have almost cancer so that's the next step you know almost cancer is the precursor to cancer cancer so like it's scary it's a big deal yeah but you can do jim is like yeah okay whatever jim's like good luck have him do a a fluid change while you're in there, all right?

Yeah. Get a nice oil change while you're in the shop, kid. All right? He's like, I'm sorry. I don't feel like listening about your almost cancer while I'm eating this bland salmon and white rice meal. Okay. So while this is happening, we're intercut between Shannon.

Shannon and Heather have lunch. And they're talking again. They're sitting in the same chair. Yeah, they're sitting in the same chair. They're sharing the chair. And they're reliving Tamara's sex party where Vicky yelled at jim and um and then it's cut back and forth between megan and jim their version of the of the party you know megan's like i'm really sorry that i thought you were standing up for vicky when you were just trying to defuse the situation

so i'm sorry again about that i'm like hey you better apologize he's your meal ticket yeah and he's like um i'm sorry you're stupid so let's stop talking about it i'm sorry you're talking about it still when i said i don't want to talk about it she's like okay well i just really wanted you to know that like i'm sorry you couldn't stand up for me but it's like shut up yeah shut up she's like jim and i last night was a big night for us because like i learned that he'll stand up for me and i also learned not to ever ask him to stand up for me so it was a great night for us she's like we both learned really a lot of lessons it was basically like we were at hailey's homeschool we learned so many lessons but from us i learned that j Jim wants me to shut up and that I also learned that I'm going to shut up probably

maybe. And he's like, you can't even cook rice, bitch. I learned that in the minute it takes me to get mad about Jimmy that I could also make rice instead. But I'm not going to do it. Hayley needs to learn her lesson and I don't eat rice anyway

she's like fuck this family no one is anything but rude to me in this family fuck you make your own rice that's how this scene should have ended I'm taking the dresser that we bought that has my name on it and I'm gonna fill it up with rice

I'll never have to cook rice again I'll just open up the top drawer and be like there's the rice there's the rice I'm not making take that X family so anyway yeah this lunch with Shannon and and heather was very funny because they're you know just friends for the show obviously yeah and they're both like wow well

i was at lunch who knew with miss heather dubrow i was having lunch with miss heather dubrow who would have guessed that now there's like can you believe that shannon actually had lunch with me and didn't sob and accuse me of anything? Amazing. She's like, anyway, let's talk about leeches again. She's like, I am done with leeches. But if you want to try it, call 1-800-TERRY-DEBRO's office. It's like, shut up, Heather. I love that everybody has a fucking something to sell on this show.

It's gotten to the point where you're selling leeches. I mean, come on, housewives. Have some self-respect. Yeah, exactly. I mean, don't ruin this show. Self-respect will ruin this channel. Well, they were basically just saying, Shannon was saying, you know,

she's like, well, you know, I defended Vicky, you know, because I told her I would defend her. She said to the end. But, you know, she made a personal first, and I think she should have said it on point. She should have said it on point. You don't get mad about an affair and not doing the dishes in the same fight. You save them for different fights.

Everybody knows that. It's called blowing your wad. Don't tell David I said that. I don't want to give him any ideas. David, would you like to have argument number one or argument number two right now? I just want to give you some options because we're going to get through both of them. Check your Gmail, David, because you like to have argument number one or argument number two right now? I just want to give you some options. Because we're going to get through both of them. Check your Gmail, David,

because I have sent you a poll about which argument you would like to get into. When you've chosen A, B, C, or D, please just email it back to me and I will get a ding on my phone. Okay? Thanks, David. David? David. I'm all about opportunities, David.

David. I. David. I'm all about opportunities, David. David. I start arguments. Oh, and then Shannon's like, well, yeah, I just wanted to stay on point. And she said, you're evil. And then Heather's like, eyebrows go up into the most evil Disney queen expression ever. She's like, evil. She's like, clearly Heather seems like, well, you know, I was talking to Shannon, Vicky Shannon Vicky and you know she said you were being kind of evil I don't know maybe there's something that you have something to say

about that I don't know I know this I see people having emotions and I think what you're feeling are emotions and what Shannon is feeling are emotions and so if you guys like talked and you both talked about emotions maybe that might

help meanwhile speaking of emotions then they cut back to megan and jim eating their meal and megan's like i don't know something about this situation vicky it's fishy it's fishy i'm like no it's just your crappy ass salmon that you cooked she's like they're just sitting there someone not someone actually on um facebook mentioned this too because they were just megan and jim are just sitting there having the world's most boring conversation she's like only 250 calories in this entire meal he's like wow that's great yeah yeah meanwhile you can hear the clock the giant oversized clock from steinmart that's over the door ticking away like oh god that is the clock in Meemaw's house.

Listen to that tick. I will never miss... And I love my Meemaw. But that was the creepiest thing. All that silence and tick, tock, tick, tock. That's what it is in the Edmunds kitchen. I took a picture. By the way, I took a picture of the clock.

I put it on our Facebook page. Because it is in that like Gretchen Rossi style where it's almost like the clock, it's like it's taken from France, like the streets of France or maybe from Big Ben and it's so big that it literally hangs

over the door frame. But they're like, no, we must have a giant clock at all costs, even if it doesn't fit properly in the space. For some reason, it really bothers me. That's what this podcast is all about, nitpicking the fucking clock in the corner of the scene. But it says so much about the person, don't you think? It's like, let's just try and fit because I like it. So let's just make it fit.

Just make it fit. Just make it fit. And it doesn't even match the rest of the kitchen. If you just look at the kitchen, the kitchen is sleek and modern. And then there's this shitty-ass tinfoil clock up in the corner. Again, there we go. You're describing a relationship. You see, it's steeper than you think, people.

Steeper than you think here. Stupid. You try and fix something, and then you end up in a silent kitchen with nothing but tick-tocking from a clock that never fit the fucking doorway in the first place i mean do you see this clock ronnie i'm looking at the picture now it's like it's so out of place it really bothers me it's like the first thing i noticed megan's like i feel like that clock but at least we both have name tags on okay so they're talking about blah, blah, blah. And now it's like, Vicky, Vicky's so angry. Where's Vicky's anger coming from? I just don't understand. She just seems so mad.

Yeah, which I love. I know. I love that. As if, like, Vicky has always been so sweet and calm all these years. Like the model of stoicism. When in fact, Vicky. Yeah, she's usually so calm and responsible with her words and her actions, like that she's acting like this.

Something must be wrong. Yeah, Heather. Yeah. Because I think we all remember how calm and pleasant Vicky was when they went skiing, right? I have never been with multiple girls in my life! And in both cases, she had somebody actively coming after her.

Now, this Megan girl, I think, has a point. But still, they're like, why is she so mad? Because you're all talking about how her boyfriend is faking cancer, which he probably is. What do you think she's mad? It's not like she's mad about some non-event. it's a real thing and shanna's like yeah but you know it's it's different because i have almost cancer you know and so i'm gonna do what people do when they think

they have cancer i'm gonna go to the doctor and i'm gonna ask the doctor and then i'm gonna do everything i can because that's what you do. Why wouldn't I? What rational person wouldn't go to the... It's like, okay, now your whole storyline is going to be about proving someone doesn't have cancer by getting your own cancer test. Shut up. Yeah, I know. Jimmy and Molly are just eating in salmon,

ready to go back to St. Louis. Get the hell out of there. No kidding. He's like, can I have an extension? Get me away from this woman lake havasu here i come he's like they've got me onto a pontoon stat baseball is now year round bye going back into the major leagues bye uh it's like jim also became a basketball player. Jim's going out for the Olympics.

I'll never see him now. Jim is now a professional Scrabble player. He's never home. Dang you, Boggle. So then we go to Oklahoma. Oh, well, I just. Okay, go ahead. No, no, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Please go. No, I was just gonna say that because then we went to Oklahoma because Vicky was visiting Brianna and Ryan and baby Troy it's like hey it's me it's your mom ding dong it's like ugh mom's here like this scene is

so nice I know Brianna's like oh hi yeah she's like I have no friends A tornado is coming That was the big news So a tornado was coming I'm like my first instinct was that

Well that tornado better not put its feet on Ryan's couch Because No tornado Is gonna get any dirt on that couch Okay I don't care what sort of back surgery he's had I don't care what sort of natural disaster the tornado is it is not getting on the couch i like how calm brianna is she's like there's a tornado warning and then it's supposed to come between four and ten so like

if we're gonna go out we should do it now like let's just go have dinner and then we'll hide in the shelter okay so what uh schedule dinner around the tornado guys yeah and then she tells us mom is here a lot which is good but let's not act like that was a storm shelter in the garage that was clearly the cage they put vicky in when she's being too loud it's like when you go to like a shitty zoo you know it's like oh look at the puma that's in like a closet you feel bad and you want like someone to liberate the zoo brianna's like i didn't want to move to oklahoma but i needed a house that had a shelter to lock my mother in and that was the only state that had him in every house no i don't know much about storm shelters

but why are they always that small? It seems like a really... That shit looks like where Saddam hid. It's like a hole in the ground. Come on now. Yeah, I mean, isn't there... Like, we had... So, my house growing up, we actually had a bomb shelter. And that shit was more spacious than this one.

Yeah, bomb shelters are, like, nice, you know? Because you're supposed to live. There's, like, a TV on the generator and, like, a little fridge. I mean, come on, guys. What the hell? You're going to hide in a hole? Yeah, exactly. That was a little – I was with Vicky.

That was a little too close. Yeah, Vicky was like, what's worse, being in a storm shelter or being in a storm? I'd rather take my chances in the storm, okay? The storm may kill me, but I won't have to sit with Ryan in there, you know, standing all cramped in there, like worried about getting my feet on something. Hey, where's Helen Hunt? There's a tornado coming. Let's whoop it up. If there's a cow going to fly outside, I want to see it.

I mean, when in Oklahoma, you know. How about this? Why don't we release a bunch of Pepsi cans into the tornado? I think that'd be fun. We could learn something. So didn't they move to Oklahoma because of Ryan's job? Yes. and now he's not working because he has back surgery great yes so now she is stuck raising babies without help and while working to support him when she moved yeah to that place because of him i was gonna say shithole but i don't know that it's a shithole no i don't

think it's a shithole she's just bored bored. It looks like a generic, it looked like a totally generic suburban existence, you know, like a generic McMansion on a big flat street with, you know, patio furniture. Just like a very boring life. Just boring. And she looks bored out of time. Yeah, she's like, it's hard to make friends because you know people in oklahoma put their feet on the couch and i just can't take ryan over there yeah she's like also i'm married to the guy from sleeping with the enemy so it's like it's hard to make friends when you have

someone like that and then they do a cutaway till she's like i miss my social life and they cut to like her with her two friends smoking from hookah i was like oh but i remember that episode and that was a really sad episode because she and her two friends went to vegas and they went to someplace way off the strip and they were like the only two people in the nightclub and it was a really really sad thing i'm like brianna you've just never had a good social life you're just not like your brother i know but it's still better than being stuck alone in a house with Ryan. Like, I need something. I'm thirsty. I have to go to the bathroom. I have to, like, oh, my God.

Like, raising his children and having to wipe his ass. Oh, God, help that woman. Brianna, get baby Troy. Baby Troy's playing with the blocks again, and I don't want him touching the blocks. I made a block couch, and he's ruining the couch oh poor brianna i want to see brianna happy but it'll never happen i don't think it's her personality yeah she's like she's like a downer she always has been oh she's a sweet downer and

she doesn't really do anything wrong she does kind of all the right things and it's still a downer it just goes to show you, you can make good decisions in life and it still sucks. So have fun, everybody. Did she make a good decision in life, though? Did she? Well, I mean, she did kind of the standard, you know, went to college, got a career. She became

a nurse. Married a guy that she loved, had little babies. She met this guy. I mean, let's, okay, we make fun a lot of Ryan, Tamara's Ryan for marrying this girl i mean let's let's okay we we make fun a lot of ryan tamra's ryan for marrying this girl off of instagram let's not forget that brianna and this marine met like once or twice and got married okay so oh well that's true good judgment is not always evident it's just that she was having her own cancer well she had a legit a medical thing with her thyroid whatever and if i remember correctly i think i think she got with ryan right

before that i think because i think she's probably having one of those things one of those emotional moments of i don't know how long i'm gonna be here and i like this guy let's just get married yeah i think that was one of the underpinnings well in el paso where i grew up there's fort bliss you know the army station what do you call it the the work oh no it's not a port but you know what i mean the base the base the base and uh so i know a lot of girls who just like met met an army dude in a bar and got pregnant and married like that's fairly normal where i come yeah that's a thing like yeah that's well it's also like so when i say like she's doing the normal thing like where i grew up i see that i mean she's doing the normal thing i just you know when you say she's doing the normal thing, where I grew up, I see that happen all the time. I mean, she's doing the normal thing.

When you say she makes good decisions, I'm like, well, she married a psychopath. Well, normal decisions. Impulsively. Normal, not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Speaking of- I'm not calling Ryan a good decision.

I mean, he is cute, but, you know. And your couch will always be clean. Is he cute? Is he cute? Oh, my God. Well, all right. I don't know if he's cute. I don't know.

I'm always trying to stick up for Brianna because I like her. It's like I just feel like she's always trying to do the right thing. And she's always sad. It makes me sad. We all like Brianna. But you know what, though? She needs to get over the Brooks situation. and she needs to also realize that when you um when you elope with a psychopath you kind of lose a lot of your moral high ground against brooks so you know yeah well no one ever tells her that i

don't think that argument's ever been used on the show yeah yeah i don't know. It needs to be because that's, I don't know. It's like your men. Yeah, Brianna is living an existence that I don't want. How about that? Yeah, she's sad. It's like a sad suburban existence with a control freak husband and I don't know. Working two damn jobs. Yeah, this is getting depressing. Let's move on to something fun. Let's move on to something fun.

Let's move on to speaking of... Tamara pretending to be a Christian. So Tamara goes to the Mission Viejo Christian Church, which is sort of hilarious to me. Which she's shocked is not a pastor. Yeah, exactly. It's like, where are the cows, Batch? Where are the Batch cows?

It's the Christian Church of Redundancy, because I don't know why it has to call itself a Christian church. But, although I guess it could have been a church of Scientology. So now, if there's anything I've learned from the show Laguna Beach, it's that we're all supposed to roll our eyes at Mission Viejo.

Do you remember that episode? I don't know if you even watched it, but there was one episode where the girls were like she is so Mission Viejo. And to this day, it is like my favorite insult of all time so of course tamra goes to mission viejo christian church oh and the church probably did that to her when she was walking in they're like that girl is so mission viejo they're like oh she is so Mesa. The church is judging her already. She's like, hi, bachas!

And in Orange County, even the pastures are spray tanned. Yeah. Wide collars, little stupid gelled hair, gelled brand sea crest hair from 10 years ago. He's like, hi, welcome to church. He is. He is. He's like he's he's fresh off his audition for American Juniors part two. Yeah.

He's like, I was on Shark Tank once. Now let's talk about getting to know God a little bit, shall we, guys? And Tamara's like, well, like, here's the thing. Like last year I was like mean. And now like, I don't want to be mean, but I'm like, am I a hypocrite? Cause I just like had a sex party. And he's like, yeah. She basically is like saying, I still want to be mean,

but I want to know that I can be godly while being mean. Yeah. She's like, this is so contradictory to me because last but I want to know that I can be godly while being mean. Yeah, pretty much. She's like, this is so contradictory to me because last night I had a sex party. I'm like, you did not have a sex party last night, by the way. Stop saying this as if you hosted an orgy with ten people. Just some people show up in some stupid wigs and Eddie unbuttoned his shirt. It's not a sex party. That was like an awkward non-sex party.

Yeah, exactly. If anything, it made people want to be celibate okay she was like it was innocent fun we we made a sex tape i'm like stop stop saying you made a second you did not make a sex tape you made a stupid video that's worthy of celebrity apprentice and it was not a sex tape stop trying to like try to trying to make yourself sound sluttier than you are to the priest. The passion. He doesn't care. She's trying to convince us that her vagina still works while trying to convince us that she's a Christian,

while trying to convince us that her husband is boning her because it cuts to the moment where they're at that party in their sexy outfits. And he's like, wow, babe, you look amazing. Wow, what a piece. Wow. Woo. Whistle, babe, you look amazing. Wow, what a piece. Wow. Woo. Whistle, whistle.

Insert whistle here. You are one piece of hot meat. And she's like, really, bitch, baby? Yeah, sexy. Yeah. I'm like, this is the most awkward. If anything, you need to ask for forgiveness for being that awkward. Because it made everybody else's husband's penis go way, way down.

It was awful. I was so mad that Bravo made us relive that moment. Yeah, that was not cute. It made me sad for Tamara. It made me feel for her, and I don't want to feel for her. That's the whole point. I never feel for Tamara. I mean, she was just trying so hard.

I'm surprised she wasn't like, last night I totally had a threesome. You know, because I was playing poker, and I had three of a kind. She's like, this morning on my wet hair, I swallowed a Starbucks that I got. Am I gonna go to hell? Can I even bear a crush on her? Last night, I totally

got tag-teamed. Because I was listening to that song, Oops, There It Is. Yeah, Oops, There It Is. It's my tag-team from the 90s. Remember that song? Oh my god. She's like, Eddie called me and I was like, yeah, call you back. You know, I was just talking about his ass. Can I still be crushed on such a dilemma? She's like, last night I took it up the ass because I thought I had a fever,

and I used an old-fashioned thermometer. Make me a sinner sinner am I a sinner and it's the thermometer like let's be honest batch am I housing a sinner in my bat batch and I like that the preacher

just says well you know people still sin and they're still Christian it's like bitch Satan was an angel, okay? Yeah, of course you're allowed to sin. The whole reason that this all sounds good to Tamara is because the whole point is you can be an asshole and still get forgiveness once you say I'm sorry, like, five seconds later,

okay? Yeah, and then she even says what she's like, you know, like, I insult people, I get into trouble. I mean, does this mean I'm not a good Christian? Like, yeah, actually, yeah, that's exactly what that means, yeah. It means that you I'm not a good Christian? Like, yeah, actually, yeah. That's exactly what that means. Yeah. It means that you can still be a good Christian while being an awful fucking human being. Okay, Tamara?

Like, congratulations. You're a good Christian, but you're still a C word. And basically the pastor said to her what she needed to hear, which was, listen, after you get baptized, it doesn't mean that you, everything you do is good. It just means you're on the right path. You just put yourself on the path and God has come and has touched you in your life and she's she starts you know she's crying that's all she wants this way she can say well i'm on a path i'm sorry i'm human i'm not perfect i'm i know i insulted you i know i started all this shit but i'm on the path

yeah i was trying to listen to google maps but i missed the turn because she didn't repeat herself enough bitch like how am i supposed to know this is the Bible maps is the worst she's like will there be enough will the water evaporate instantly when we baptize me because I'm so hot I'm the hot baptized child now the explanation of baptism

didn't sound right and I'm I mean I was raised pretty strictly Christian but what did he say? He's like, when baptism is, it's they put you in the water like you're drowning, and then you're resurrected like Jesus. You're drowning, and then you're resurrected, yeah, like Jesus. And I was like, no, they were baptizing people when Jesus was alive. I don't even know.

I'm Jewish. I don't even know. It's like their own version of it or something. I don't even know. She's like, I really like your brand of Christianity. It's like, fine. I was a bitch last year. Since when were you a bitch last year? Yeah. Girl, please. Yeah. Just last year? Yeah.

It's like, oh, Vicky is so angry this year. Really? She's like, last year was the Old Testament. Okay? Like, just forget about it. It doesn't matter. This year, it's all the New Testament. Really? She's like, last year was the Old Testament. Okay? Like, just forget about it. It doesn't matter. This year, it's all the New Testament. Okay? Sandals! Betch. Sandals, betch.

I am such a good landlord in my testament. No, that's tenement. Oh. She's like, oh, darn. So you don't want to buy a house? He's like, no. Why am I going to let you drown me? Betch, I'm out of here. I like when the preacher was like, so, Eddie, what do you think about all this? And then he's like no why am i gonna let you drown me bet i'm out of here uh i like when the preacher was like so eddie what do you think about all this and then he's like well you know she just came up with a storyline and didn't bother to tell me so she's been acting like a christian

for a long time but i've only known for a day and what i'll say about that is um as long as she doesn't bother me with it or make me pray or listen to anything about God, we'll be fine. And the preacher's like, way to be supportive. That's great. So then we go back to Oklahoma where it's like my note is, Brianna

is bored. Yep, she's bored. No social life. More of that. But they went out to dinner to avoid the tornado. They went out to dinner in town. And Brianna's again talking about how they have no social life more of that but they went out to dinner to you know to avoid the tornado so they went to dinner in town and brianna's again talking about how they have no social life and then ryan says yeah but it's it's sort of like a blessing in disguise because it's great because we only spend time with each other now i'm like oh my god could this guy be any scarier he's like kidding he's like i love that you don't have friends because now you can only focus on me yeah now i now I don't have to, like, get rid of all of them like in a Lifetime movie.

It's like, we're married now. Why are you talking to that bitch? Yeah. We've all seen you before, Ryan, and it never ends well for your type on Lifetime. Exactly. I also don't like that he's probably, like, 25 and he looks like he's 50. He's just an old man, old possessive farmer man. Yeah.

And Vicky's like, oh, well, that's the best thing for a relationship. You can just be stuck in the middle of nowhere together and not have any interaction with other people. And then they can't judge your man for being a toothless, alcoholic, deadbeat dad who's probably faking cancer. Who needs that in a relationship? It's like, geez, V dad, you know, who's probably faking cancer, you know. Who needs that in a relationship? It's like, geez, Vicky, nice support, babe. I know. Seriously. And then we went back to Orange County.

Oh, right. But also, I forgot to add, I'm so sorry, I get lost in my own Spain. You're like Debbie Gibson. I get lost in my notes. And it feels. I like that we both went to Debbie Gibson immediately. in my notes. Notes. And it feels. I like that we both went to Debbie Gibson immediately. Always. Always.

If there's ever a chance to go to Debbie Gibson, take it. Even though I saw her on Celebrity Apprentice and she was like an awful human being. Okay. I forgot about that. But, you know, she's earned it. She's earned the right. Yeah. So, anyway.

One of my dreams. Brianna. I love that Brianna was saying. She just says to the camera flat out i love her honesty she's like well i'm alone and i have nobody and i would love to live back in orange county but there's no way in hell i'm moving back there while brooks is there he's a terrible person it's like nice he'll steal the tooth fairy money from out from under my kid's pillow and like put it in a stripper ass crack. No, I will not be doing that.

No. Why doesn't she move back to Orange County and get her own place? That's my question. Because obviously she doesn't want to have to pay for it. Yeah, I think she's trying to make it in her mind that she's this is all her decision. But at the end of the day, it's like your husband's decision. He's the one who moved you out there. It's not like Rihanna was like,

I'm going to move to the most boring place in the world with no friends and no nobody because of Brooks. Like, you did it for your man, and now you're paying. Oh, my God. I know. Isn't there, like, a job he can do from his – I'm in couch desk. Like, there's got to be something he can do. Yeah, there's got to be – yeah like there's got to be something he can do yeah there's got to be

there's got to be he yeah there's got to be a you know he should just be like a security guard at ikea and he just keeps he just stands and stares the couches exactly and like suspicious looks as they try and go up the escalator how you you. Get your feet off the couch. Hey, you. Get your mother-effing feet off this couch. That couch costs $85. You get your feet off that right now. You get your feet off that flurg. This is Ryan calling from the couch department. We have another violator. We need some backup right away. Thank you, 10-4.

Please get up here before I strangle the life out of this person with a butterfly pillow. Get up here! They're like, Ryan, this is the tenth time you've called us this hour. While these animals keep putting their feet up on the couch, it's not my fault that there are barbarians coming into this store. You need to attract better

clientele. Code green! Code green! Everybody get the couch in the shelter excuse me we have an emergency uh someone is putting their foot up on the foot rest and that is just not acceptable they can only do that once they have purchased the product thank you very much like ryan are you making an announcement the pa system are you calling us on that walkie talkie i am doing both at the same time.

They're like, Ryan, if you have a complaint at IKEA, you need to write it down with a tiny pencil on one of those really long forms, okay? We're not going to be able to help you unless you report this properly. Fine, I will do that. But I just want you to know it's going to take a lot of tiny pencils because people keep putting their feet up. All right. I hope there's a lead factory near Ikea. Yeah. But you know what Ikea stands for?

It stands for Ikea as in Ikea about the couches. So do not put your feet up on them. Ikea stands for Ikea. If you put your feet up on that couch one more time. It stands for Ikea if you put your feet up on that couch one more time. It's hands for Ikea, not sand, watching your dirty feet on this beautiful Ikea couch. Now you get off,

alright, and you leave this door right at once, so I'll throw all the meatballs at you. I will do that. So now where are we coming? Heather and Terry. Okay, so I'll tell you where we are. So now where are we, darling? Heather and Terry. Okay, so I'll tell you where we are. I'll tell you where we are. I'll tell you where we are.

Megan almost has all the cancer. So you could tell, this is the first time in Bravo history where the producers didn't even care about her not cancer. About someone's not cancer. Because they didn't drag it out for two or three episodes there was no dramatic music there was no like moment with megan and the doctor instead it was her in the car being like well that's good guess i don't have cancer guess it's just an infection i was like no the producers didn't even try to use this one out they just let her have a lump and then went on yeah she's like i wore my special

headband but whatever what a waste what a waste of a headband this is my petty headband but whatever don't pay to me because i don't have cancer and i know because i went to the doctor and like some people she's like i guess i'm going back for to just not having i guess i'm going back to not having fake cancer to just knowing people who have cancer. I guess that's my story again. She's like, yeah, you know, not having cancer is great. But knowing people who might have cancer and who are doing nothing about it like a responsible human being isn't great. You know, I guess it's just back to my normal life of being a responsible human being.

Okay. I can't believe my mom never got tested for cancer. That's now that's a new thing is now testing. Yeah. Yeah. She's stupid. Okay. So Heather and Terry in the car, Heather's like, wow, I had lunch with Shannon. And she was like, okay.

And he's like, yeah, that Shannon. Wow. She's a good girl. And Heather's like, yeah, she's a great person. It's like, shut up. And then, of course, it's like, here's all of our business stuff that we're selling. And they're like, yeah, our face cream. You know what I appreciate about Shannon?

She doesn't get Botox. She uses face cream, which is what we're selling. And if this fails, we're miserable failures. Right, Terry? And he's like, yeah, if this fails, we're miserable failures. Right, Terry? And he's like, yeah. If this fails, we'll be miserable. Oh my god. You'll be okay, guys. He's like, we put a million dollars of our own money

into this business. I don't want to look like an idiot. I'm like, you put a million dollars into kitchen cabinets. You already look like an idiot. Okay? Heather's like, we discontinued Colette's Ferris wheel. So that way we could put this facial cream on the market. The Ferris wheel does not have a room for its luggage.

And now we're going to have Ferris wheel luggage all over the lawn. We're going to have to put the luggage in the Ferris wheel. Now there's better work. Sorry, Manny. You're sleeping on the Ferris wheel luggage rack on the lawn. By the way, could they have a more muddled brand? It's like, here, come enjoy our face cream and method champagne.

You know what my favorite sparkling wine is? It's Clinique. Clinique sparkling wine. They're like, here's something that makes you look haggard and something that helps erase your haggard look. It's like selling a pencil and an eraser at the same time. What an invention. Those will never sell.

I always get drunk on the Burt's Bees rosé. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own,

she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world

of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I don't know. So anyway, so they just were going to sell their stuff. And meanwhile, then we go over to Shannon Bedore's house where Shannon and David are going to a pop up restaurant that shows up at their house from time to time. Oh, no.

Bedore's restaurant, which at the outset seemed like a very sweet scene because I think, you know, I think all kids at some point do a little restaurant for their parents. So the girls, the Bedora girls, decide to make a meal for their parents and Shannon and David got all dressed up. And you can tell that they're rich kids because they know how to give good service. They're like, good evening, ma'am. Would you like me to

squeeze half a lemon into your drink instead of put slices on it? I'll be right up. Yeah. The fact that they didn't go marching in there clapping like, happy birthday, happy birthday. You're like, okay. These guys have never been to Chili's, aren't they? Yeah, totally.

They're like, may I tell you the appetites of the evening and mention that I've never seen your husband in here with another woman. We have removed all sugar from all pan sauces for the evening at the request of the lady. We hope you'll order the short ribs because they have

been braising for nine weeks. To be fair though, the service was a little judgmental because one of Shannon's daughters told her that she looks very old in days in her outfit. She's like, nice dress. And Shannon's like, well, you know,

this is a dress that somebody made one of a kind for your grandmother because that's how dresses used to be. People would make them for one woman and now it's just something that, you know, people make for anyone. A dress isn't special, is it anymore, David? You don't remember when dresses were special

and for one woman? David, what a novel concept, David. One woman. What a novel concept. Now just everyone can wear this dress, huh, David? Now this dress is just for everyone to slip on whenever they feel like it, right, David? Tell the kids. David, David, how about we lower the chandelier

and put the dress under it and see what happens when the glass touches the dress? What will happen then, David? The one we lower the chandelier and put the dress under it and see what happens when the glass touches the dress? What will happen then, David? The one dress for the one woman. It got sadder because the kids were like, yeah, we just wanted to have this really nice dinner because we want you guys to work through your marital issues. Yeah, we made this dinner to help make your relationship better. I was like, ugh. Oh, God.

I felt so sad. I was like, oh, God. I felt so sad. And also, Shannon, you know, I get that this is like a romantic evening and stuff. But in that dress, you look like somebody at the ball who's just like jealous of Cinderella, you know? It just didn't look right. It looked like a Disney thing. And she'd be mad at Cinderella. Probably just be like, oh, look at Cinderella thinking she's so great just dancing around

over there in her glass shoes. Wow, that's great, Miss 30-year-old. Enjoy those shoes. Miss 30-year-old servant, we know what you do. We know what your real job is. David, why are you looking at Cinderella? David's name is Prince Charming. Is that supposed to be ironic? Is that a real name?

I'm sorry, but you know, when you're 50 years old, you have enough life experience to know that you never wear glass slippers anywhere, David. David. It's like raising tweens walking around in these shoes that'll hurt them. Well, not on my watch, Missy. I start

glass slippers. Riding in pumpkins, do you know the kind of allergies you can get doing that? Oh, who does that? It's like raising a tween, Miss 30-year-old. That pumpkin never did anything to you. If I ever drove a pumpkin anywhere, I would be on my nebulizer for three days straight. David, David, take back the pumpkin car. And then we get a shot of children serving alcohol.

Just kidding. Yeah, exactly. And then they brought out a little cake, and I was like, oh my god, too much sugar, too much sugar. This cake has nothing but sugar and carbs. Enjoy your relationship while you're on the pot all night with the shit. David's like, go ahead, honey. Enjoy that, dear.

Enjoy it, dear. The last time that I had a homemade cake, David and I were intimate, and then later, he was intimate with someone else at the Intimidate Bake Shop. David, David. At dinner that my family cooked me, I didn't eat the cake.

And then David was someone else who didn't eat the cake. So, that's great. Thanks, David. I like that we just turned everything into a terrible memory. It's like, not even like a joke. We're not even being witty. We're just like, I had cake, and then David went and had cake with someone else. But that's how

it is. That's how it is on this show. It's like, wow, there's a ceiling fan. Oh, I remember one time I was laying with David, staring up at the ceiling, and then David got fans. And then they started gmailing him on a secret account. It's never going to be the same.

Shut up already. Well, David, unfortunately, I can't have this cake because it reminds me of all the times you cheated on me. And every time you cheated on me, I thought to myself, well, that's just the icing on the cake. And now I can't eat cake anymore. Thanks, David. And thank you, kids, for reminding me.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that tweens have no feelings. So that's great. I expect an apology letter, whether you like it or not, young lady! You know, this cake is lovely, but it doesn't compare to my favorite cake. It was a recipe that I emailed to myself, but unfortunately we had to get rid of Gmail on the Bedore household, so that cake recipe is gone forever. Life Without Gmail by Shannon Bedore. Ding!

Still puts me under the table. Gmail by Shannon Bedore. Ding! Still puts me under the table. I like that this cake that they deliver, the cake topping is like two phallic objects pointing away from each other. It looks like two

little ice cream cone things pointing away from each other, and I'm like, this show succeeds on so many different levels if you're really watching it. Yeah, it really does. It really does. Every scene, every moment. This show's deep, you guys. So then it's back to Oklahoma

and the big news is that Vicky got Brianna a car. She got her a car. She got her a choice of three cars. She's like, oh, I'm sorry your birthday's stacked, Brianna. Brianna's like, well, you know, as long as I can't go home because there's like a fucking low life deadbeat rihanna's like i actually had the best birthday i've had in in like five months because i actually saw another human being

at the restaurant she's like i got a side of ranch and no one even charged me for it this was the best birthday i've had since i've moved here Talking with a waiter was the most human interaction I've had in six weeks. It was a great birthday. I don't know what you're talking about, Mom. When I went to the bathroom and washed my hands, there was a sign that says must wash hands before returning to work, and I washed my hands and it was like, wow, it's good to have a friend

with such good advice. It was a great birthday. What are you talking about? Ryan didn't see it, but I put a tiny little couch under the table and put my feet on it. He doesn't allow tablecloths, so when we go to restaurants,

it's a pretty exciting thing. A tiny little couch. She's like, who's winning now, mother? Vicky's like, yeah, go out there there and choose there's a big white monster car or another big white monster car or another big white monster car they're all huge i'll tell you that whichever one you pick you're gonna get two spaces at the baby buy whatever that store is buy a baby or whatever that store is maybe and brianna's like mom like mom this is embarrassing i don't want i don't want them i i don't want the cars mom i really really don't want i don't want

to okay i guess i'll take the largest one yeah she's like i'll take the biggest one with the big screen in the back so the kids will shut the fuck up and i can have some alone time for once brianna's like well it would be nice to not have to like put the baby in the car seat by crawling over the middle and then unstrapping the thing from the back and then unductaping the car seat. I'm like, oh, my God. How are you living? Jesus. Yes, you do need the car.

Just take it. You've earned it. Ryan's like, well, it's a nice Yukon, but we're all going to be sitting in the front seat because I don't want anyone in my car couches. Not a single one of you gets to sit in the car couch. When kids sit in car seats, their feet touch the couch. I'm not going to have their baby feet touching my car couch. And why is this white? You know, if it, like, is a dust storm, which there often are in Oklahoma, he's going to be, like, out there yelling at the dust storm.

This is a white car dust storm. Have some respect have some respect for my white yukon that i didn't buy vicky's like yeah you know i did it because i'm a mom and you know what moms you know look i work for my money so it's real hard for me to buy someone something like that but you know brianna is angry her life sucks and what better place to get out some rage than a car you know you can yell all sorts of racist mean things at people and you're always forgiven because you were in a car okay but you know that ryan's probably gonna put a secret microphone in there so don't yell too loudly you know in the car oh vicky and uh brianna seems really confused well not confused

but like kind of annoyed that she's bought her a car and then we find out why because it's basically hush money oh it is and it's so funny that brianna just calls her out every second that vicky starts shit because vicky starts these like tantrums and brianna's like woman you've been doing this my whole life I'm not going to fall for this but they're sitting there and Vicky's like well you know why can't you move home I mean you know you could always move home you know but you know it wasn't even about moving home it was when you come visit

yeah when you come visit and Brianna's like says something like I guess I'll stay at a hotel and she's like oh really we're going to talk about this on camera no I don't think so I'm going to get my care and go home which I haven't even paid for yet but enjoy yours that i paid for brianna i'm gonna go home and get out some rage brianna in the car uh but yeah turn off the camera victor yeah she's like what i'm not even saying anything i'm trying to be supportive and

saying i'm not gonna kick a man with cancer out of his own bed while we're visiting by the way when she says that that was also kind of bullshit like don't hide behind that you're not going because you don't want to be with brooks because now she's like oh well you know he has cancer and he can't move when he's got cancer i'm like what does you're telling me that there's no guest rooms in vicky's place i mean there's a grotto for crying out loud of course there's space for you yeah but she's she's saying that i think to placate vicky and saying like look i'm giving him credit on camera for having cancer yeah it's just that i don't want him around my children you know that's how the fights are it's so uh and she even says it later i mean not that but what the real issue of the fight is with brooks and it's like oh vicky's like well i'm sick of hearing it i can't believe you're doing this on

camera brianna brianna's like yeah i'm not gonna have of hearing it. I can't believe you're doing this on camera, Brianna. Brianna's like, yeah, I'm not going to have him around my kids. The end. Yeah. Which, I mean, I don't know that he's like a child rapist or anything, but I don't blame her for not wanting. She just hates Brooks. She hates Brooks. With reason.

I mean, Brooks is disgusting. He's gross. She is. Yeah, exactly. He has done legit gross things to hate him. Yeah, exactly. And she just and Vicky doesn't want to be accused of, you know, Brianna being put up in a hotel and instead of being able to come home, you know. Right.

She doesn't want to. She doesn't want Brianna making her look like a bad mother on TV. And so, yeah, he's going to make Brianna look like a bad person on TV instead. And, you know, that's very smart of Brianna. She's like, fuck that. I'm not going to be used so that she could look like the good person and I could look like the villains. Like, take your damn car.

Yeah. So then Vicky leaves and she slams the door. And Brianna's like, thanks for slamming my door. She's like, no, seriously, thank you. I was going to piss off Ryan so much. Do I see a slight indentation on the door? I had just cleaned this door frame. It's like ding, ding, ding.

Did I just hear a door slam? It's like, I'll be right there, honey. Don't you realize that when you slam a door, you disrupt all the dust on the floor, and it gets on the couch? I mean, I just cleaned the couch you might as well just go do a tap show on well i know i know i can't compete with what your mom bought you and everything but i'd like to give you this dust buster made especially for the couch now go use it thanks honey i've given you

a choice of three different plastic covers for the couch. You get to choose whichever one you want. She's like, I'm going to name this cover Esmeralda, and I'm going to tell her everything. Everything. I'm going to shape her into a human and put her in the car with me. That way I can go in the carpool lane and have someone to talk to. and put it in the car with me. That way I can go in the carpool lane and have someone to talk to.

Now, speaking of somebody ridiculous, I don't even know what the segue I was going to use. Speaking of somebody for getting mad at something for just being the way that it is naturally, let's go to Eddie and Tamara having a date night where Tamara and Eddie, or Tamara finally tells Eddie that she's going to pay for the son to come

live there and it costs $8,000 to move him in oh my god a lot of sex tapes that might actually have to have sex in them we made like 30 cents off our YouTube sex tape let's get to work betch

betch Eddie is right but he's also kind of a dick he's like that ain't my son i'm not i'm not raising some other man's son i was like whoa but he's right i mean that kid was practically an adult when they got married or was he an adult already yeah um well i mean he's he definitely looks at least 65 so i mean you're like when did Sons of Anarchy stop shooting I know

exactly yeah I mean Eddie for sure has a right to be mad because you know that's a lot of money but guess what as sad as it sounds Tamara's his meal ticket he gave up his whatever business he was doing that was earning him money to get involved with fitness.

So how about Eddie just focuses on evening out those floors and paying for Ryan? Because what other choices does he have? Eddie's just kind of a bitch through the whole thing, and I love it. He always is. He's so shady. I think that's why everyone thinks he's gay. It's not because he's big and cute and muscular it's because he's shady like a queen right but well it would have he makes all these little comments like tamra brings up brooks and he's like well i mean does he have cancer because uh is this real is it serious i

mean what do you get yeah it's like we already know that you think it's ridiculous you've already said so on camera well they were yeah and. Yeah. And then they were like, yeah, he actually looks fantastic. Yeah. He's never better. Yeah. Cancer looks great on him. So I don't know. Tamara did her classic thing at that point, which is that she in a sneaky way said, I don't think he has cancer. She was like, well, you know, I told Vicky I would always support her. But, you know, I don't know know i don't know i don't know like all right tamra yeah okay what you're doing there we see um but you know i was also surprised that when they were talking about ryan and supporting him i'm surprised they did not cut uh cut to uh

uh simon because this is the same thing that simon was talking about years ago with ryan oh really i don't remember what did he say well because ryan needed a job and simon got him a job at like uh the car dealership and then that fell through it was one thing after another after another yeah and he says you're enabling him that's why he's a 30 year old man who can't support himself and no one made him go on instagram and marry that woman in wherever with six children or how many of her damn kids she has. Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah. And he did make a good point, though, which is that Tamara's like, well, I think, you know, I want to help him come home. And he's like, well, it was his choice to move in the first place. So let him deal with it. Yeah. Just because they're close when you're looking at them on Instagram doesn't mean you're going to love living in their town. Okay. He learned his lesson.

That's called being an adult. Yeah. Like, okay. Good luck with that, guys. I don't care. Yeah. But I like that Tamara made, found a way to discuss Christianity bashing Brooks's cancer.

It's like she got everything in one scene. Nice work. Yeah. Nice work. Well, she is the queen of awful. Yeah, she's a pro. She's got all these balls in the air. I love it. She's like, was Jesus a juggler?

Batch! She's like, I love that Jesus was a carpenter because I love wood. Wait until Tamara actually goes to church and sees a basket being passed around where people actually put money in. She's going to be like,

I'm starting a church. That's it, batch. Yeah. Church fitness. Say you're sorry and squeeze those glutes. Say you're sorry and squeeze those glutes. Okay. Put something in the basket, batches.

Speaking of fitness I was just reading an article about fitness on nextissue.com nextissue.com boom and you know here's the thing about nextissue you know your time is precious just like Tamara

and just like Tamara and Eddie your time is precious and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. But who has the time to sift through all the nonsense on the internet? For those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, there's Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime anywhere using your phone or tablet that's right iconic magazines like people vogue esquire time and more and next issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for a richer reading experience sign up for next issue right now you'll get immediate access to all the top magazines, including back issues and exclusive photos and videos. So I'm on next issue right now.

What are you planning on there, Bean? Well, I went on and Men's Health has a big cover story called Total Body Blitz. And it's guys from the NFL shirtless showing off their moves. And it's Byron Jones, J.J. Watt, DeMarco Murray, and Julian Edelman. And I know those names mean nothing to you. They sure don't, Ben. But who cares about the names

because these are some impressive specimens. So let me tell you something. There is some good eye candy happening on next issue right now. Isn't that what matters most? You need the name when you're heart-bent. Exactly. Isn't that all you need?

I mean, this is good. The best part is that Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash croppins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crappins thank you for everybody who does go there and thanks for thanks next issue for being a part of our show yeah and by the way speaking of advertisers uh my casper mattress arrived oh bing how is it been it's so good. It is. Oh, my God. The box arrived.

I ordered a drunken lead last Saturday. The mattress was here by Friday. This was like a five-day turnaround. I put an ad on Craigslist. My old mattress was gone by the end of the day. Unfurled my mattress. I put a photo of it on Instagram. I think I'm going to put it on. I'll do a post about it on B-Side blog.

And it's really good. Like, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings well keep posting that bin because maybe they'll send me a free one if you just keep advertising it yeah they should send you a free one especially since i plopped down the money i use that by the way i should get the free one If anyone out there wants To get $50 off We do have a promo code Which is casper.com Slash Crappins

I was like what was it No I was trying to remember It's crappins If you do get one use that code Because not only will you get $50 off But we get credit for sending you there well look at that it's good we want we want all the credits we want all the credit in the world right now you know what i'm doing right now i'm touching my i'm touching my mattress right

now as we speak i'm touching it it's so soft you're getting a little touchy with gas but being all right well speaking of touchy bitches, what do you want to talk about next? It could really go for any of the shows we have left. I guess we just have Married to Medicine and that Secrets Revealed. Did you watch the Secrets Revealed? I got through half of it, and then I stopped, because it was so boring.

I'm sorry, it was boring. Sorry. Sorry, it was boring. I had to stop. I didn't have a lot of time, okay? So I didn't finish it. And so when I had to stop. I didn't have a lot of time. Okay. So I didn't finish it. And so when I got to the, I got to the part where we were looking at,

what's it? Kristen's wedding dress or whatever. And I was like, you know what? You know what? You know what? I don't have a lot of time. Okay.

I have a lot of things to do. Okay. So I turned it off. All right. I'm sorry. I turned it off. I didn't want to see. Well,

that's the part where it started getting really sad because they obviously cut this because of all this ashley madison stuff they're like oh let's dedicate a show to kristin which we haven't done all season long and then we remembered why they're like let's illustrate why no time has been dedicated to kristin she's like yeah it's our anniversary party, so we're going to have a big black and white party, and then I'm going to wear this dress, and then I had to get that out of storage. Oh my god,

I'm going to try it on. Does it fit? And Carol's like, uh, who cares? It's like Carol comes over just to not care about anything. And then she's like, it fits! And she's like, of course it fits. She's skinny of course it fits she's skinny she's already skinny like it's gonna fit and then carol's like i shouldn't try it on should i know i shouldn't right should i it's like no you shouldn't and nobody even offered you that chance

but she does and she's like look i'm skinny too turns out it's like fascinating guys fast i know so i could talk about the stuff that i did see so So there was a scene where Dorinda and Bethany went to get a drink. And they start cornering this bartender about being a waitress. They were one-upping each other about how they were poor at a certain time and were waitresses. And each one was bragging even more. Bethany was like, you know what? I used to live across the street. And I would go and I the street and, you know,

I would go and I would work and I would sell chicken wings and I would earn five cents for it. I would earn less money than you and earn five cents. That was like six years ago. Six years ago. I was selling six years ago.

But now look at me now. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, I mean, I was a waitress for a long time but people loved, I loved it because people loved me, you know, because I'd like come to the table

and I'd be like, hi, you know, and they'd be like, hi, you know, and then i'd like ask them things because i'm like used to being the center of the room you know so i'd be like yeah and then they'd laugh and then i'd be like where are you from and then like in a job interview after i'd be the one interviewing them because i'd be a waiter you know so i'd be like yeah i'm qualified would you like a side of ranch you don't like it all exists how you do you know a side of ranch like that would be my dinner i earned so i had no money because i was just i was just a waitress so i'd only eat ranch and to this day that's all i eat only ranch and one

little side of it and that gets me through my day i learned it all like don't feel like a loser feel bad about yourself because you're a waitress because like look at us like we don't waitresses now you know like now we're not side of ranching it, you know? Like, we own ranches, you know? Like, you never know what man is going to come in here, is going to be rich, and then, you know, you're going to, like, suddenly, like, have money and, like, a wife. Like, just enjoy it, Mr. Jetson. Yeah, you know, the best part about being a waitress is that you learn a lot of things. You learn to be tolerant.

You know, everyone wants different things. Like, you know, if you don't want to order a sandwich, don't order a sandwich. You know, that's just as simple as that. You know, if you're bored while you're waiting, have a crayon. Have the chaos crayon. You know, you're going to draw the chaos crayon while you wait for the soup. You know? That's it.

That's all I know. If you're going to worry about the carbs, I mean, what are you, 40? If you want a sandwich, have a sandwich. Like, what the heck? There's no carb count on a bit. You have a right. I can't even tell you how many sandwiches I brought for people. Like, it was just every day, a sandwich.

Every day. And I was in a sandwich because there were two other waiters. And we'd just all get in a line. And we'd all get close together. It was like you and John and Kristen. I mean, like, so many sandwiches. Like, I can't deal. Like, I can't even look at a sandwich anymore.

Like, I see a Subway. I can't even go down into the Subway because it reminds me of Subway. I can't even eat fresh anymore. Like, seriously, like, kill me now. Like, get a gun out and just shoot me in the head. Don't talk about sandwiches in front of me. I'm putting a wall up. I don't want sandwiches on the other side of my wall.

Wall up. Wall up. Yeah, these women, they're so used to being a waiter and offering people things that they don't want that they're still doing it with advice. That bitch did not ask for your advice, and she is not some homeless person standing on the street for Christ's sake, ladies. Yeah, meanwhile, the bartender is stuck there nod nodding like uh-huh uh-huh she's like i have other people to get to like when can i break out of this she's like you've tipped me like two dollars so i'm not spending time here and then there was a scene where bethany was trying to figure out how to open up uh the flu in her fireplace and she's like it's flu it's not flu it's not fluke it's's flu. It's like weird.

Like, I got to figure out, is it open? Is it not open? I want to burn down the place, you know? That'd be crazy. I don't want to burn down the place. I want to keep it open. I don't want to die to death. I don't want carbon monoxide poisoning.

So, like, I'll just call the door. Oh, I just, there's no doorman. Oh, my God. No doorman. Like, oh, my God. Like, I was about to call someone, and there's, like, no doorman. I was, like, talking to the air conditioner. Like, hey, hello, can you fix this?

But, like, there's no one to call. Like, what do I do? Like, seriously, I'm going to be down on the floor. If you ask me again about the flu, I'm going to be down on the floor crying. Okay? again about the flu i'm gonna be down the floor crying okay that's it wall walls are up flu is out google flu and while you're doing that google doorman and like find out why we don't have one like seriously who do i gotta blow like six years i was selling chicken wings and now i'm in a place without a doorman like i i'm beyond this like seriously like come on like like seriously like i've never seen a fireplace like this before ever

like ever ever you know like when i was when i was when i was a kid i used to go to go to a Come on. Like, seriously? Like, I've never seen a fireplace like this before. Like, ever. Ever. You know? When I was a kid, I used to go to a fireplace, and I'd wait for Santa to come down, and instead, it'd just be my dad dragging my mom through the kitchen. Okay? You know what? Like, enough. I can't. I can't.

Like, it's too much for me. I can't right now. No way. Tell me right now. Tell me now. I don't want the flu open unless my father's outside. You know, if my father's outside, close the flu. You know, don't let him in.

But if, you know, if he's inside, open the flu so he can get out. You know? It's like, it's like Santa protection. You know? It's inside open the flu so we can get out you know it's like it's like sound of protection you know it's like i don't even understand how this works i mean it's like crazy town it's like flu it's like one flew over the cuckoo's nest that's what it's like okay you know it's like crazy it's like i can't i can't like i'm gonna jump out the window i wish i knew how to start this fire when my father was trying to come down the fireplace like that's all i can say like listen you know what fire i just i need fire okay i need fire i need heat all need fire. I need heat, all right? And if I don't have heat, it's like it's freezing. I'm going to be an icicle, all right? I just can't.

I can't be an icicle. You know what? It's like all hard edges, all right? You know why? It's a wall of ice. That's what I need. I need a wall of ice up and then fire on the inside but not melting the ice. Okay?

It's got to be perfectly placed. Seriously? Melt me now. Melt me now. I like all the dumb girls who work for her. They're like, yeah, to start a fire, you just make a match and then you put it on somebody's something. They're like, you gotta start a fire. You just, like, make a match, and then you put it on somebody or something. They're like, no, that's not how you do it. She's like, yeah, it is.

By the way, you have to open it because there's a flute in there. No, it's not a flute. It's a flick. No, it's not a flick. I'm going to Google it. I like how they all have the voice of, like, baby Carol Radziwill. And Gretchen. It's like Gretchen and Carol had little babies together Which is possible in this modern day and age

Yeah And then I have another note Where there was a scene I forget what scene it was But Ramona walked in and she's like She has like a glass of water And she's like I'm drinking lots of water these days I'm like congratulations

What a novel idea I feel so produced Yeah And she's like, I'm drinking lots of water these days. I'm like, congratulations. What a novel idea. I feel so produced. Yeah. One of my favorite things is Carol goes up to Sonia in some party and she's like, Sonia, I was with one of my walkers and they told me that you were talking smack about me. And Sonia's like, how dare they? No, I wasn't. She's like, yes, you were in the gay bar. She gay bar she's like oh well it's in the gay bar so it doesn't count um you know of course i talk shit about everybody in the gay bar that's what gay people do i mean that's why

you go to gay bars you hang out with gay people and you trash other people like duh when in rome right you know like so i'm not gonna apologize to, Carol, because I was in a gay bar. And if you can't respect that. Wow. Well, I didn't realize that being in a gay bar gave you like immunity to. It was magical. And Carol's like, uh, okay.

It's just like, yeah, I'm not going to explain that to you. Sorry. I'm not sorry. So, you know, gay people, right? And Carol's like, okay, well, I guess then let's get a drink. And Sonny's like, yeah, let's get a drink and talk shit about other people. So good. The whole thing was worth it just for that.

I think the only other scene I saw was the dream interpreter and Luanne saying that she sees herself as a tooth. And even the dream person was like, wait, I'm sorry. You have dreams where you're a tooth? Yeah. She's like, yeah, I'm just sitting there. I'm in a mouth with all these other people. I'm trying to stand out. So I try and make sure to get more of the M&M on me so that I'll get the cavity and eventually get some work done but you know how it is they're like no she's like i guess it all ties

back to uh a dream i have of starring in a poster in a dentist office just me telling you to floss that's all that's all i want but then they all had teeth issues all of their dreams were about teeth kristen being the queen of the teeth was like enough of your fucking teeth ramona's like oh i had a dream there was a tooth and it's like oh my god everybody i know i had a dream about a cavity it's like oh my god yeah but meanwhile that dream interpreter was bullshit because i've totally had that dream where like a tooth falls out. And it's awful. It's such an awful dream.

I don't know if you've ever had it because it's just really – it's just unsettling. Like, oh my god, my tooth is falling out. And I've had it enough where now I'm like aware. I'm like, oh, I'm probably having a dream. Like in my dream, I'll have a moment and be like, oh, I always have dreams where my teeth are falling out. So it's crazy that's happening in real life. That's what happens. It means you want a baby, Ben.

So apparently it means I want a baby, which, no, I don't want a baby at all. Yeah, it means you want a baby, Ben, like subconsciously. So I want a baby. I want baby Troy. You're like, I refuse to apologize to you, baby Luann. All these nightmares with your teeth. Your baby's going to come out with a full set of scary teeth. I know. with your teeth your baby's gonna come out with a full set of scary teeth i know well the the

listeners don't realize i had a strange dream involving luan dorinda and rape shaming oh we didn't talk about that when did that wasn't that wasn't a bonus episode oh sorry that's a little little little teaser for you all oh yeah donate to patreon is hearing about my luan rape dream wasn't about raping luann oh my god yeah that was a very politically correct show we had there very so anyway this was all sad this was like kristin they did a lot of kristin stuff where she says stuff like um yeah because carol's talking about how much she hates feeling things about her husband while she's talking about her husband again and she's like yeah my husband's dead way and um um kristen's like yeah you know like it's really sad because i look at

her and i think she had what i have and to lose that like it's just so sad to think of somebody losing that and i was like oh my god editors you're really dicks yeah really extreme right now because you know this shit was cut in like last week she's like i may be blonde but at least i'm married so it was just sad because it was about like kristen stuff and they just couldn't make it interesting and then they gave speeches at their anniversary party and kristen's like i just want to thank josh for like always keeping me from eating over my calorie limit like you know i love you honey and he's like yeah i just want to thank Josh for, like, always keeping me from eating over my calorie limit. Like, you know, I love you, honey. And he's like, yeah, I just want to thank Kristen because, like, you know, there's a lot of times in life where you just want to run.

And sometimes you have, like, a really loud squeaky voice threatening to ruin your career if you ever try it. So thank you, babe. Nice speeches. Thanks for this episode, guys. Yeah, what an asshole he is is so why don't we move on and everyone's like yay throwing rice so why don't we move on to marriage to medicine because this episode had be cracking up i feel like marriage medicine is finally back in its groove the past few episodes have been really entertaining to me and um and this one was just so funny i mean i was laughing every few minutes no one's

even trying to be anything other than a crazy hooker on this show at this point everyone's like just say whatever you want to whatever you want ruin whoever you want let's do this yeah so um uh my notes are sort of spotty in the beginning, but... Okay, well, I can start. So we open at Toya's house, and Toya's all wigged up and ready to rumble. And Lisa Nicole comes over, and she's like, Your house, wow, your house is so cozy and warm. She's like, it's because Eugene just had to walk up the stairs and then down the stairs, and he forgot his key, so he had to go back up the stairs. So it's warm.

I opened the window sorry he uh ugin has a lot of uh body heat you know so that's like i was thinking that nomad md could just be now ugin walking around cold homes and warming him up you know ugin we're gonna change the name of nomad because it made you tired what i should did is call it eugene md so they start gossiping a little bit about mariah and uh oh jill comes in by the way hey i'm here what a big house yeah so see they're all talking about Mariah suddenly being back and being besties with Quad and Lisa Nicole

is like I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt and if they cheat on me I'll find a way to forgive them it's like what do you mean you're giving them the benefit of the doubt of what so like I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that they're not here to ruin my life but i'm not sure of that yet well i think that maybe she was suggesting that um there was no

ulterior motive like uh in their friendship coming back that it was that they have buried the hatchet and it's not just quad um finding an ally but it's obviously finding an ally. It is obviously that. And then they also they were also reminiscing on the big fight of the night before at Jill's party between Jill

and Heavenly because there was you know Jill had said that her husband had told Heavenly's husband fuck you but it didn't happen da da da da da and Toya was like I don't believe I would never believe that told Heavenly's husband, fuck you, but it didn't happen. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

And Toya was like, I don't believe it. I would never believe that Jill's husband would say, fuck you. She's like, that isn't even in your husband's criteria. I'm like, are you just speaking in Mad Libs now, Toya? Is that it now? It's not in your criteria. She's like, I was trying to learn how to spell critters, and this word came up. So I'm going to use it.

Thank you, autocorrect. What I should have did was spoken to the vocabulary, because I are. Stupid, stupid Toya. I love it. Then we cut to Mariah spending time with Simone. And Simone's like, you know, know deep in my heart I never wanted Mariah to leave so I feel so bad about leading that charge

to get her evicted from the community pool or whatever the hell and Mariah's like yeah well it was good being around y'all honey I felt like a rock star everybody wanted a picture with Mariah I'm like oh lord Mariah shut up

yeah I mean Mariah is funny but she is also crazy well she has that quad thing where they just both speak nonsense and say honey a lot but they're not saying anything it makes me crazy it's like now they're both back doing it it's like do either one of you say anything

ever she's like I'm a rock star look at me plug my guitar's like i'm a rock star look at me plug my guitar in because i'm a rock star well she's like yeah she's a big fan of doing because she speaks in from like she takes all her cues from like the uh the gay black community so she's she does a lot of uh gay black slang and so she does the uh third person thing where she's like oh she is walking to the door she is at the door she is here she's like, oh, she's walking to the door. She is at the door. She is here. She is opening the door. Like a narration.

Oh, Mariah. She's like, someone has to care about my life so the narrator will care. This is my story. I have a narrator. I have a narrator, honey. I feel like a book on tape, honey. She is giving you narration. I feel like a book on tape, honey. She is giving you narration. I feel like a biography about a rock star read on tape while you're driving somewhere, honey.

No. And then Simone's like, you know, Mariah, you are a rock star. And it is a blessing to see you two back together. A blessing to who? That's like ISIS joining forces with Al-Qaeda. It's like, who is celebrating those forces being joined? To be fair, Simone thinks everything is a blessing. She's like, we are out of cereal and that is a blessing.

That means that we are well fed. Until she's fighting. Yeah. Then nothing's a blessing anymore. Yeah. Then it's like, you're calling me a bad mother because i'm out of phone oh bitches whoa whoa simone she i love that she just comes across as the most peaceful one until she's like the slight bit the slightest bit angry you know yeah so funny

then let's see there was a scene of um dr jackie entrusting her father's carriage where a nurse while she goes to the bahamas though you know that was sad and um and then i think it's then they went off to the bahamas right there weren't too many scenes before they flew off well we got a scene of uh quad packing oh yeah she's like honey sometimes, sometimes you've got to pack for vacation. And sometimes you've got to pack for life. I'm like, what? What are you talking about over there? I am packing for a trip. A trip that Lord knows who where.

But I'll tell you what. I'm arriving on a plane with a carpet that's going to come out. And those bitches better be scared. I'm like, what? She's like, sometimes, honey, when it comes time to packing, it's like shaking a palm tree next to Applebee's. You never know what sort of platter

might come down the street. You gonna make a pancake or you gonna order a flapjack? That's the question. Like, what? I don't get it. It's like a tie on a wedding cake, honey. It's gonna be quite the question. Like what? I don't get it. It's like a tie on a wedding cake, honey. It's going to be quite the affair.

So she's telling us like what a good person she is. She's like, I'm going on this trip with enemies and women who have tried to bring me down. I think this says a lot about me. I'm like, uh. Yeah. It says that you want to be on TV, and that you're not going to visit for anything. And where

are they bringing her down from, really? Exactly. She's like, I have an entire Instagram full of dicks that Darren has sucked, and I will bring it up during an appetizer, because who doesn't want a little food before they dinner am i right

it's like no no no so of course he's not the one who even attacks him in this episode but we'll get to that uh jackie crying uh that was sad don't need to see that i don't need real things intercut with my stupidity okay like parents dying of alzheimer's is awful and sad and jackie's a good person and i don't really need to see this so get this shit off my tv stop it yeah please like either cancer or alzheimer's or something with feelings stop it i'm watching married to medicine for christ's sake okay yes agreed um toria is like i can't wait for this vacation because me and uji have sex without interruption. Like, when the microwave goes off, it's like, ding! And suddenly he's out of bed.

It's like, can we just finish having sex, Eugene? Do you really need to have the hot pocket now, Eugene? Will a cold hot pocket kill you, Eugene? Eugene, if you come back to bed, you better have all that melted cheese off your lips. She's like, it's so hard to have sex when there's always dominoes knocking on your door. You know, it's so hard not to get

interrupted by the French bread pizza. I can't compete with that, with Eugene. I only agreed to come to the Bahamas because there's no E24 here. What I should have done was put a Tstonius pizza thing in my my vagina then i wouldn't get interrupted i like by the way in the bonus episode we talk about fat shaming like no fat shaming and here we are making fat jokes about eugene no we're making jokes about her thinking that he's fat oh yeah different you know i think we're shaming someone else's fat

shaming all right i think eugene is really cute i think he's really cute too yeah well gene i think that he just like wants to eat all the time yeah i mean wouldn't you identify with the guy if you had to hear that voice all day long wouldn't you want to go eat some food to drown it out yeah he's he's shielding himself from the reverberations of your voice okay yeah stop letting your voice vibrate he won't have to eat so much um so simone pep talk i don't know what this is simone pep talk a bus simone oh simone on the bus in the bahamas she She's like, everybody, welcome to the bus. Here's what we are going to do on this trip as couples. We are going to be couples and friends on a trip in the Bahamas

where we will discuss and have fun as friends on a bus. Thank you. Yeah, exactly. Okay, speechless speech. Yeah, and then they show up at the Motel 6 because these women are not going to get Atlantis. They are not getting Atlantis. They're getting some shitty Wyndham Resort something or another. I mean, they were all basically put into broom closets with tile floors, and it just looked real crappy.

Yeah, they did. They're like, wow, this alarm clock doesn doesn't work And it's taped to the nightstand What a lovely vacation I know That place is not cute And it looked like there was other stuff in there They looked like condo rentals They did it looked awful

It made the Swiss chalet seem like the Plaza Hotel And Toya was not happy. She's like, Eugene and I are particular about our vacation. We're very particular. And then they call the kids. And Eugene says that they're in the Bahamas. The kids get upset.

And she's like, say we went to Colorado, someplace the kids don't know where it is. I'm like, don't lie. Don't act like it's just the kids. She's like, don't tell the kids we're in the Bahamas. They know what that is. They know what it is. And he don't lie don't act like it's just the kids we're the bahamas they know what that is they know what it is and he's like we're in the bahamas oh i don't know why your daddy told you that we're here the bahamas what we're not here i don't know why he told you that guys yeah but she's like i i like how she thinks that it's only the kids who don't know where colorado is i guarantee toya has no idea she probably thinks it's only the kids who don't know where Colorado is. I guarantee Toya has no idea. She probably thinks it's a restaurant on the west side of town.

She's like, we've been here for 45 minutes. Yeah. I would like to order Colorado's famous beef steak with the Colorado's house sauce. Thanks so much. We're skiing at. So Toya's's like you know

I'm not like a snob or nothing like I'm not picky but one thing I can't be picky about is where I lay my head like uh yeah we know living in Michael Jordan's like yeah it's like the one thing I'm picky about is where I lay my head like this rental

house that we can't afford and also this beautiful car we can't afford but I occasionally lay my head like this rental house that we can't afford and also this beautiful car we can't afford but i occasionally lay my head down in her choice for everything she's like i refuse to lay my head down in this quality inn i refuse i need the better hotel i don't want to eat dinner in a place where i can't lay my head down. It needs to be the more expensive dinner. Shut up, Toya. Income destroyer. Yeah, exactly. So Lisa's like, Darren, are you getting ready, Darren, for dinner?

Oh, yeah, I hope you're eating. Did she say conk? I don't know what she said. The conk soup. Because it's like an aphrodisiac. Are you having conk? Conk is an aphrodisiac. So I want Darren to eat a lot

of it no one's gonna make any gay rumors on this trip oh my gosh oh my god i know drugging your poor husband out this show is so not romantic you know just get some viagra and put it in his protein shake tunning so then uh the vagabond inn was very kind to put together a dinner outdoors for the whole group. So everyone was there and there was like tiki torches and things like that. And they were all waiting for Quad. And I like how Simone, I think Simone and Jackie knocked on Quad's door and were like, are you coming to dinner? Are you ready? And she's like, yes.

And they're like, well, you look tired. And Quad goes, I well, you look tired. She goes, and quad goes, I am very much so tired. Oh my God. That was like a classic quad. Like whenever she wants to sound smart and educated, she just throws in useless, not useless words, but yeah,

very words. Like if there's a lot of words, it means I'm smart, honey. I am very much so tired. You can just say, yeah, I'm tired. Sincerely. Let the court know that I am very much so tired.

I'm Andor, to whom may be concerned, very much so on the tired end of the spectrum of logic and things in time. I am thus heretofore tired, so please don't mind me if the court would mind, Your Honor. I got a very strong Kim Richards in the Hawaii hotel with this scene. Where people are like, where is she? Where is she? Then they knock on the

door and she's like, putting on lip gloss, like, won't stop applying lip gloss for five minutes. It's all about, I've just been up here lip glossing, honey, and I'm still lip gloss, like won't stop applying lip gloss for five minutes. It's all about, I've just been up here lip glossing, honey, and I'm still lip glossing while you're talking and lip gloss, more lip gloss. I was like, whatever, crackhead. Like get the fuck downstairs and eat your dinner.

She's like, why would I rush? When you rush something, I'm on vacation, honey. I'm not on rushcation. No one goes on rushcation, honey. I believe her exact words were, this is not a carnival cruise. I am not on schedule. This is vacation. Well, you realize carnival cruises are vacations.

And also, you don't have to be on schedule on a carnival cruise. Next, you'll be asking me to play some shuffleboard, and I tell you now I would rather shuffle aboard a deck of cards and play some cards here too for Southern Most. The only reason why you want me to play shuffleboard is that way I shuffle myself out of order, but let me tell you one thing. I always come straight in line.

Oh, Quad. So then we cut to Mariah down on the beach. She's just been like, honey, Bahamas. Here I am in the Bahamas, quad. So then we cut to Mariah down on the beach. She's just been like, honey, Bahamas. Here I am in the Bahamas, honey. Where's my drink? I'm like, did that really need to be a five minute segment? And then she's like talking about how she's going to be peaceful. And like, this is all a second chance for these relationships.

And she's moving on. And then she's like, welcome to the beach, babies. Now, what are we not going to do? We are not going to wait to eat. Because I will not be waiting for anybody to eat. Because I do not wait to eat, honey. I'm like, oh, my God. Here we go.

It's the battle of the honeys. Yeah. Well, then, but she did wind up talking. Waiting, by the way. She ended up, like, going to a little, like, what do you, not canopy. What am I trying to call them? Yeah, like a hammock or something. She went to a little tent thing with the other girls and waited.

Have fun not waiting. Yeah. Well, I think when she was in that cabana, she was talking to Lisa Nicole. And she was saying, well, you know, I heard. She's like, I may have. Everyone was bearing the hatchet. Everyone was, you know, apologizing to Mariah being like, I do apologize. No. And everyone said, yeah, we judged too quickly because now we see that quad is the crazy one. And she always is fighting with someone. So we were sorry. And everyone

was apologizing. And Mariah's like, I think if I remember correctly, she says, well, you know, And I think if I remember correctly, she says, well, you know, you know, we all judge. So I get it. Like, for instance, Lisa Nicole, I said you were boring. And and Lisa Nicole, I think Lisa Nicole actually says in the third person, there is nothing boring about Lisa Nicole. I'm like, oh, yeah. As your husband, she's on you for the fifth time. Nothing boring at all. You're auto boring if you're talking about yourself in third person. Yeah, but then Mariah was the best part. Mariah goes, I just can't deal with that monotone voice.

It's too somber and boring, honey. I know. And then in front of everybody else, she's like, is she now? Be honest. Is she boring? She is, right? I mean, come on now. She's boring, right, honey?

Honey, she's boring now. Everybody raise your hand if you think she's boring, right, honey? Honey, she's boring now. Everybody raise your hand if you think she's boring. I'm like, what? Like, can you at least stay with the theme of getting along for two seconds? I know. But she was right, though. I'm trying to apologize to you. And you're like, yes, I accept. And you are boring. And I don't take it back.

But thank you for that apology. I'd love to be back, honey. It's like, what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. But that was still great, though, because she was right. The monotone. I like that someone called out the monotone voice.

Yeah. So then Mariah was saying how no one visited me. No one texted me when I was in the hospital. So Toya, you know, first Toya has a leg to stand on because she's like listen i wasn't really friends with you so why would i text you but then when mariah pushed her on and i was like well you know i didn't text you in the hostel because i didn't know your schedule like it's not like a text needs to come in on a schedule there needs to be a calendar on google so everybody knows the schedule yeah it's like well uh miss carried a baby and now I'm sitting here after Miss carrying a baby, 5 p.m.

It's like, what kind of schedule are you looking for, you dumbass? It's going to be on the TV guide. She's like, you're not on the TV show anymore so I didn't know what time to grieve for you. So then we cut to the guys and it turns out that Aiden and Eugene have a beef. Aiden said that he had a beef with Eugene but then he refused to say what the beef was. I mean, I think Eugene could not have sounded happier.

He's like, there's beef somewhere? Like, please, let me get at it. Well, yeah, because it started with the conversation of, look, if we have a problem, you've got to talk to the woman. Like they were telling Jill's husband, next time you have a problem with a woman, you take take it up with the man you don't talk to the woman you just don't do that like you know they're explaining to him that you don't do that which is sad that they had to and then aiden's like well i have problem and they're like oh shit here he comes and he's like no i don't want to talk about it and he's like what's your problem come on let's step aside let's talk about it i'm like oh yeah e what's your problem? Come on, let's step aside. Let's talk about it. I'm like, oh yeah,

Eugene, you're fighting this guy like a diet. Get the fuck out of here. What did he do to you? He wasn't saying it like a fight. He was saying, let's just like, let's go off to the side.

At first he wasn't, but he was getting like, okay, let's go to the side. Let's go to the side. Let's go to the side. I was like, oh,

come on, Eugene, calm down over there. I didn't, I didn't think Eugene was getting aggro. I think Eugene was just trying to make it easier for Aiden to say something but then aiden's like nah nah nah aiden had that very scared look and i recognized it because when i was in the fifth grade everybody was like if you don't want to be bullied in school anymore just hit the guys who are bullying you and

then everyone will be like oh ronnie i'll hit you don't bully him you know like every dad tells you that yeah and so there was this uh guy and they were playing around on the playground and he pushed my friend and i was like yeah screw you for pushing my friend and i like jumped this guy i was like we're gonna fight and he's like uh i wasn't even i was just kidding and i was like no we're gonna fight like in front of the whole playground and then i'm like slap slap slap you know like the biggest girl fight ever and he kicked my ass in front of the whole playground and then i'm like slap slap slap you know like the biggest girl fight ever and he kicked my ass in front of the whole school and we had school pictures that day and i have blood all over my shirt and a big fat bloody lip and anyway that was what aiden reminded me of in this he's like i'm gonna show mariah that i'm standing up for her and i'm gonna stand up to

her with these guys and then she's gonna see that i stood up for her and at the end of the day he just had like bad plugs and a school yearbook with blood dripping down his face that's a really sad story oh no it's funny though right it is it's funny too they're like show the school that you're not gonna be bullied and i like show the school that i can get my ass kicked in like two seconds it's like the worst lesson ever they're like yes let's keep bullying gay fat children let's do it yeah it's like a green light i just ruined school for like a whole generation of people at that high school never show them never you you showed your cards too quickly totally now they knew my cards were that i fight like a really really small girl yeah so anyway so then um uh moving on uh there was a scene where the women were talking to quad's husband about

like getting analyzed or whatever and heavenly oh my god heavenly was so funny because she in her interview heavenly's like all these hoes got problems jill is stupid as fuck mariah damn crazy quad emotionally stable simone got some damn deep-rooted damn childhood issues or something and toya don't give a fuck i don't know if there's a for that i was like oh my god that was the quote of the season. Jill is stupid as fuck. Simone got some damn deep-rooted damn childhood issues or something. Heavenly! Oh my god. She was on fire all of a sudden.

She was so funny. And then Simone, so they all finally sit down to this dinner, and Tori is like, oh thank god there's no walls here. She was so funny. And then so they all finally sit down to this dinner. And Tori is like, oh, thank God there's no walls here. This is the first place without ugly walls that we've been to. And Simone's like, okay, here's a speech. Here we are at dinner. Having dinner as friends. Who aren't going to yell or cause trouble or try and ruin each other's marriages.

Welcome to dinner friends it's like oh no here we go and then immediately they start jumping on each other who started this well no what happened was that eugene was trying to be give a toast he's like he's like you know what oh wait first quad did first quad did i just wrote quad takes responsibility quad is like well i would also like to speechify the Spotify of the please subscribe and you won't have to listen to commercials anymore. I

would like to say that last year I said very horrible, meaningful, mean and meaningless, awful things to who for art thou Mariah. And I would like to say I take response of the ability

and in responsibility I respond to I did it and I'm sorry honey I very much would like to address the actions that have transpired and I would like to take full responsibility in them because you cannot have

it's a response and it's an ability and I am taking the ability to have a response in a very much so positive way quite like those things that have transpired and thus such going forward in the past and therefore a conclusion. Thank you. In other words, I'm done with Mariah.

She is ruined. Now let's take you down, Lisa, you stupid bitch. Yeah. So then Eugene started to talk about it. He's like, well, you know, I sort of see us all as a family. We're just one big family. And you and me and all of us, we're just a family. We're a family.

Mariah lost her shit. She started to cry. And you could tell she was actually really bothered because if she wasn't really bothered but wanted to make a scene, she would have yelled something. She would have said something. But she actually covered her face with her napkin and she was like, saying family she's like fuck that fuck you fuck you family yeah family family don't do that i'm like really uh you must not have met anybody from my family i don't know many families that are like oh just do whatever you want to me and we'll be fine with it because we're family really because that's not how family works yeah so then mariah and aiden walk off and then toya now toya has a big moment because you

know toya is let's never forget that she is the stupidest one on this show oh yeah by far so she's like well uh i think we could all agree that this is a couple's trip yes and everyone's like yes she's like all right well since it's a couple's trip, I guess that means that we're all allowed to comment on each other's relationships. So I just want to say that Simone and Jackie and, you know, everyone else, you guys all have really good relationships and such. And Darren and Lisa Nicole, yeah, you guys are in trouble. Like, Darren, I would never do what you did to Lisa. Like, I can't believe you cheated on her, like, five times. I know she's, like, really boring and stuff, but Eugene would never do what you did to lisa like i can't believe you cheated on her like five times i know she's like really important boring and stuff but oh jean would never do that

to me so what you should have did is not chill in the first place anyway thank you yeah it's like nice dinner and it was like out of nowhere and then everyone's supposedly mortified but it keeps going because then the questions start coming and they're like well darren did you know that she was going to that strip club before you lied about it and he's like no if i knew that she was going to go to the strip club i would have said babe you might be talked to by a big divine brown looking waitress who is going to give you shit about me fucking people in there during the happy hour sushi special okay it doesn't mean it's true and then uh jackie's was like, when a man says I would tell you the truth if, that's a red flag. Yeah.

Well, the best part is that, you know, anytime anything happens, it's always Jackie and Simone who sit there quietly and the interviews are like, oh, probably shouldn't have said that. And they just sit there. They just sit back and they chuckle as long as Simone isn't involved in the issue. Well, I love Jackie and her husband and all the comments they make in their interview because they're funny like they have just as much shade they just don't yell they're super shady you know well because they're like so much smarter she's like oh eugene wants to discuss how we're all a family now well it's interesting because the last time we spoke he was saying that a woman's uterus belongs to her man so i don't know about being family yeah exactly i love that i know i love it when jackie is shady

because she is really shady um so then yeah so darren says he wouldn't have told lisa i mean he would have told lisa he was going that if he had known that Lisa was going to strip club, he would have told her that he'd been there before. So somehow this turned into a fight between Jill and Lisa because they started fighting about how Lisa was was cornering all the strippers. And oh, oh, you know, it was because because Lisa never apologized to Jill for yelling at Jill, accusing Jill of setting up the stripper. Yeah. Yeah. So then this big fight between Jill and her breaks out. And Jill is just like in the same thing Aiden is, where she's like, I'm just going to yell at somebody, whether this is the right time or not.

We're yelling. And I'm on this show, too, damn it. Blink, blink, blink, blink. yelling and i'm on this show too damn it blink yeah blink blink yeah and then she starts going off and she's like you go into a strip club dress like you're going to a funeral in a big black hat handing out cards for your pyramid scheme and she's like it is not a pyramid scheme pyramid schemes are illegal she's like she just says pyramids just pyramids are illegal pyramids are illegal someone on our facebook page said oh i guess it's a problem for egypt she's like pyramids are illegal pyramids are illegal someone on our facebook page said oh i guess it's a problem for egypt she's like pyramids are built on the back of slaves and i'm trying to empower stripper

slaves from coming out from under the pyramid heap and selling for me i'll sure make a small percentage but still i'm like oh no this yeah that's a Pyramids game. Yeah. She's like, that's what I do. I promote an opportunity. Shut up. You tell the poor woman who used to be a stripper and now drives a pink Cadillac that I hurt her in some way. No, she earned it. Well, actually, my favorite part of all this was then they cut to Quad. And this was to me a flicker of the Quad that I used to love because quad just goes, I'm dead. I am dead.

She's talking about Jill going after Lisa Nicole. Quad, she's like, I am dead. I was like, you know what? I am right there with you, quad. She's like, I'm like Lisa Nicole's marriage, honey. Dead on the ground, leaking something no one can explain, honey. Yeah. So then they continue to fight

and they're just like going at it. And then they're walking back to their shitty vagabond inn room. And then Lisa Nicole starts to call Jill blonde and Jill starts to see like, there's like red in her eyes. And she's like, I am Barbie and I am blonde Barbie, but I have a hell of a lot more education than you miss millionaire yeah then she said she has two

ivy league degrees yeah she's like oh wow you went to harvard i like how that's such a criticism on this show they're like going to harvard doesn't make you smart oh whatever miss harvard like it's it's like success shaming i love that yeah you idiot for going to Harvard, you stupid bimbo. She's like, oh, yeah, I have two degrees, too. It's like, wow, you're sure doing a great job with those as a secretary in your husband's plastic surgery practice. Yeah. Whatever. So she's screaming and yelling like, you bitch.

And they're like screaming at each other. screaming and yelling like you bitch and they're like screaming at each other and then that's intercut with mariah's victimhood of i can't believe these women would treat me like this where were you when i was in the hospital crying my eyes out dr jackie were you on call i'm like oh yeah because that's so bad like a fucking woman working as a doctor and being on call for a living instead of being there for someone she's not even friends with and probably doesn't even own an instagram shut up mariah i know were you on call like that's something so shallow that she could be doing if she was saying like what were you microwaving a tostino for your husband toya okay but are you

on call is a little bit much mariah Come on over there. Yeah, agreed. Agreed. And now we have even more to look forward to because there's more time in ugly rooms. It's like, married to medicine, American Horror Story hotel version. It's like, poor American story. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, even the Princesses Long Island got better hotel accommodations. American poorer story. That's what I was trying to say.

American poorer story. Married to medicine. Yeah, American poorer story. That's funny, Ronnie. Well, you see, it just takes me about ten minutes to string the words together after watching this show, Ben. So I think that brings us to the end of our talk time, Ben. It does, and this was quite the talk time. Yeah, it's

been a lovely couple hours talking to you, Ben. Yeah, it's been like three hours for us. Everybody, thank you so much for supporting us. If you want today's bonus episode, go to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends to check that all out. It's all about fat shaming

and fat shamers and people who need to stop crying and also people who not need to stop making people cry it's really yeah you know it's kind of a an all-around spanking for all of us can we all just get along yeah guys really um so that's at patreon.com slash watch what crep ins you can also come to facebook.com slash watch what crappins to talk with us and others about all the shows we cover and follow the live show threads and also check out the post two page section of that because that's where you guys post

and shit is hilarious yes and what else Ben oh watch what crappins.com has our links to all our social media our episodes all of that good stuff so check that out and thank you everybody so much for being here. We're going to have some very fun

stuff coming up in the next few weeks. Yeah, some stuff coming down the pipe. Yes. So thanks everybody. Oh, Pike. See you. See you. See you. Too much Toya. Too much. Eugene, there's stuff coming down the pipe. There's stuff coming down the pipe, Eugene.

I don't need a degree to be smart, okay? Thank you so much, everybody. We will talk to you later. Bye. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. Popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part, Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com forward slash crappins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crappins.

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