Watch What Crappens - #219: Unsweet Caroline and a 'Below Deck' Conch-troversy

Episode Date: September 10, 2015

"Ladies of London" is back, and Caroline is colder than ever. In other words, we love her. Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) dissect the glorious season premiere. Then it's off to the Caribbean for an episode of "Below Deck" featuring conch deception and Don backflipping his way off the yacht. Finally, things wrap up with another dissatisfying episode of "My Fab 40th." Come listen! You can donate to us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And remember to like us on Facebook: facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And here's some other stuff: Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: bit.ly/crappens Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part? Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com forward slash crappins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue. so much that crappens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap Watch What Crappens and the Banter Blender podcast. And I'm happy to report I'm only on negative thought number 13 of 40 to 50. So I'll change that. So many negative thoughts to come. I'm going to fill up your negative thought tank, Ben. For people who are listening for the first time, I am not a negative thinker. That's a Shannon Bedore reference. And joining me as usual is the wonderful and positive thinker, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com.

Hey, Ronnie. Well, hello, Ben. I've learned to positively accept my negative thoughts. What a wonderful use of your emotions. Thank you, Ben. So anyway, thank you all for listening to us you can follow us our social media stuff like instagram and twitter and things like that uh by just going to watch our crappins.com and all the links are right there so you just go there copy and paste um and then chief among those is our facebook page facebook.com forward slash watch for crap-ins,

which when we say it's our Facebook page, it's kind of like our as in like Ronnie and I and all the listeners because it has become a really big community hub of Bravo stuff. I mean, the amount of links, the amount of information, the amount of funny shit that's up there, screen caps, etc., trumps anything that's on this show. So if you haven't liked that page go ahead and like it because there's a lot of fun stuff on there especially if you're a bravo head that's right it's its own little bravo real housewives hub of crap there's lots of crap about everybody on here it's its own ecosystem it's like in fourth grade when you

put like mud and like some plants in a jar and then close the lid and it becomes its own little ecosystem. That's what our page is like. Yes, it is. It's actually really fun, and I'm reading it now because you mentioned it. Isn't that funny how advertising works? Yes, it's so persuasive even amongst the advertisers themselves. So when you're done, let's talk a bit about it. Okay.

Come back, Melbourne, by the way. I'm so sick of doing Melbourne accents without actual Melbourne to talk about. I know. Well, it's okay, because now we have Ladies of London, and that'll get our British accents going in the meantime. But also, of course, another thing from our podcast that you can support us by going to patreon.com

forward slash watch what crap happens. And that's uh that's patreon spelled p-a-t-r-e-o-n it really means a lot when you guys support us it really means more than you can even imagine you know even if it's just like a dollar a month you know ryan and i put in a lot of work for this podcast we watch the shows and then when we do our record this is like usually two hours every like twice a week plus then there's the bonus episode and we do our record, this is like usually two hours every, like twice a week, plus then there's the bonus episode and we do our hangouts and keeping tabs on the Facebook page

and all the notes, et cetera, et cetera. So it's a lot that goes into this podcast. So when people support us through Patreon, it really means a lot to us because, you know. Yeah, thank you guys. Feels good. Feels good.

We appreciate it. We're adding even more features which we'll announce next week and more extras and stuff like that so we love it yeah we have some really what a great way to spend your time making fun of a dumb idiot on TV you know it's a great way to spend a couple days a week it is so you know it's just it's this is our way of

saying thank you for those of you who've been supporting and thank you if you are going to support us and that you're supporting so much more than just two assholes watching TV. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you're also supporting my dog, Bueller. Yes. Very grateful. Two assholes and a dog. Two assholes and a bitch.

Yeah. A male bitch. Bueller has definitely gained some Patreon weight Okay so That's I think all our plugs Right That was more plugs than Mariah's husband So

My My other little job is running Trash Talk TV Which makes fun of TV shows All year round And the written form. And we're having auditions right now. So if any of you, you know, need somewhere to put your bitchiness, please come to Trash Talk TV and audition.

Because we've got a ton of people entering and a lot of funny people. And it's a lot of you guys, which fits, you know. Birds of a bitch feather, darling. Birds of a bitch feather. Birds of a bitch feather, darling. Birds of a bitch feather. Birds of a bitch feather together. What sort of bird is that over there?

Oh, it's one of the, it's a spotted bitch. It's a Northeastern spotted bitch. Well, if we had some more honest titling in this world, we would call birds shit like that. Like those grackle, those evil grackle birds.

Oh, grackles. Those things are evil and i cannot believe they're not named evil bitch birds there's biggest turkeys well grackle is a pretty bad name i never even knew about the grackle till i went to austin i was like what the fuck is up with these nasty birds people in in la don't believe me and i've seen a couple grackles here watch out because the grackles take over it by the way you realize the grackle is a very scary name it sounds like it's a mythological beast that haunts you at night the grackle is coming it's it's a misspelled um dessert topping that cracks like that crackle or

whatever like you pour it on your ice cream and then it cracks later it hardens up yeah or well it's actually the um the best of the hershey's miniatures that somehow does never appear outside of miniature form. You know, Crackle? Crackle? Oh. Or Spackle, like at Home Depot, which Adrienne Maloof uses on her face proudly. Give it a little sand and send her out to, you know, find a child today. So welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast where we talk about grackles.

And where does that sound like grackles? Grackles are taking over the world. Okay, grackles are like housewives. They're like real housewives. They seem innocuous and silly at first, and then suddenly they're attacking all of the other birds and, like, pushing them off the wires and shit and killing them so they can have a better view.

That's grackle, right? I never thought they seemed cute and innocent. The very first time I saw a Grackle in July, I was like, oh, this is a bad bird. You know what I think actually is a cute and innocent bird that has a very bad rap? It's a crow. I think crows are hilarious.

Have you ever walked by a crow? They just sit there and go, they're like this sad, like, hey, no one likes me. Wasn't a crow the one that figured out in that famous fable how to put more stones in the water so the water would rise to the top of the glass and he can get his beak in there to drink it? I mean, crows. Come on, you guys. Crows are smart. Crows are smart.

And the thing is that everyone shits on crows. They're like, ooh, they're ravens. They represent death. They're the goofiest little bird. I saw a video last month of a crow taunting a dog. It was hilarious. I mean, what sort of – I mean, it was just – you know, the crow is just doing its thing. Oh, it all comes back to dog hating.

You know, you're like, oh, I saw it abusing a dog. I love it. No, I – Maybe you'll see one eat a baby or something. You'll be like, let's make posters of crows. No, no. I don't like it, but I thought it was funny because I thought the bird had a lot of personality. Oh, you're my hero crow.

But they just sort of have this sad, like, they're kind of like the nerds of the bird world. People hate them, but no one really gives them a shot. And if they did, they would see that they're alright. Well, people are going to start rooting for the crows because the grackle is a gigantic turkey-looking crow. It's a big, big, huge version of a crow. And so people are going

to be like, whatever happened to the good old-fashioned crow? Crows are going to have their day. Don't you worry. Alright, well, this has been a great show Watch for croapins Watch for croapins Watch for croapins We've got a lot to talk about today, Ben

Speaking of crows Let's do it We have some shows We have some shows featuring some old crows Some old crows Some old crones Some old crows. Some old crones. Some old crones. Some old cronies. I interrupted you. You were going to say what we're going to talk about today, but I'll just say it,

which is that we are going to welcome back with open arms the ladies of London, and we are going to talk about Below Deck. And I believe we're going to talk about my Fab 40th. This may be the last time we talk about it, I think. Right? Is that a spoiler alert? I think that's officially done for the Watch What Crappens podcast. Yeah, that was a show that didn't even start out with that much potential,

but it had a spark of potential. And now it's just... When you can even make desperate, sad, clinging to their youth, gay guys boring. Come on, guys. That's a train wreck right there. That's the slowest, saddest, droopiest train wreck I've ever seen. Stop it, bro. This is a show.

Thank God Ladies of London is back. So that way our Tuesday episodes can be below deck in Ladies of London. Because my 40th was better, and all I did was eat a hot and ready $5 pizza from Little Caesars and get high. And it was still better than this show. And you were like, this pizza is fierce. It's a fierce pizza. It's a stiff, ladies! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Train and a slice of pizza.

This show would be amazing if they just had that lady. If it was like Millionaire Matchmaker with her doing 40-year-old birthdays, it would be great. Yeah, it should just be that woman, Serena. But anyway, let's start with the good stuff, which is the return of LOL Ladies of London. How happy were you to have this show back? and how happy were you to have this show back? I love judging Americans and I love watching people who are probably better than Americans

judge Americans too. Yes. I love it even more. This show, it's only been the one episode, but I already feel like it's better than season one because season one had too many Americans and this time around there's only two Americans. Oh, no, there's three Americans. Never one. Because season one had too many Americans. And this time around, there's only two Americans.

Oh, no, there are three Americans. Never mind. But, like, last season, there was Caprice. There was Noelle. No, there were four Americans last season. All right. All right. R.I.P. But there's...

Last season, there was Juliet. There was Marissa. There was Caprice. And there was Noelle. And then the Brits was just... It was just Caroline and was Marissa, there was Caprice, and there was Noelle. And then the Brits was just Caroline and Annabelle, right? Yeah. So it really was not that British. But this time around, there are more Brits.

Well, having so many Americans is hilarious because I just cringe every time. Like the hallway fight. You know, it's like you're fighting at a party full of rich British skinny ladies. Oh, what are you doing? Do you know how hard it is to be skinny in America? Really hard. Quadruple that over there. Because they can't eat healthy even if they wanted to.

They're just left to starvation. They don't have vegetables there. They don't have vegetable stands. They have things made of flour, and that's it. Yeah. You know what, like, Britain's one of their most famous cooking shows is? Two Fat Ladies. Okay?

It's not called Two Skinny Ladies. Two Fat Ladies. Because they cook everything in lard and butter out there. And, you know, this is the land of clotted cream and scones and Yorkshire puds and all that stuff. I mean, that takes some effort. It's good old-fashioned starvation, all right? That's not like veganism. So just shut up, America. scones and yorkshire puds and all that stuff i mean that takes some effort it's that's a good old-fashioned starvation all right that's not like veganism so just shut up america and also you know that big fat ladies show i think that's still one of the most popular shows and i think

those bitches both died of heart disease and they did and they were so happy oh well they were fun they died with a smile on their face and a triple you know coffin let's watch again darling it's like oh my god yeah that's true uh i love those women um the other one the other one just died like in the past year or two i think i know yeah not to be insensitive or anything you know they died happy they died full and the point is you know you've got to respect the skinny women here because they're angrier because they're not eating. And you know what? I say go for it.

Yes. So here's what's different about the cast this season. No Caprice. No Noelle. Julie. Her name is Julie, right? Yeah. Julie is now a full-time cast member.

She was a friend of last season. Oh, Julie. Darling. Julie, you've already taught us the most important lesson we need to know in dating don't marry for a title marry for money gold card girl she was yeah that was you know when she said uh well we'll get to that so then but we also have a new british woman also named we have two carolines basically so we have two carolines and annabelle and then three americans so that's our new cast right now and the episode opened up i was already honestly i was already laughing out loud just in the first like 10 seconds when they show caroline stansbury

getting a spray tan and the woman's spray tan you just You just see her. She goes, slowly, across the forehead. Slowly. And then it cuts to her getting into a car, and she goes, go forward. I was like, God, I love her. She is such a bitch. She's just bossing around everybody and everything. She's like, spray. All right, lighten up on the spray button.

All right, heavier on the spray button. All right, dry me. 15 degrees up north on the forehead. Toast for the children. Make toast for the children. I don't hear a toaster. Ding is the toaster on. The toaster must be on. Eat, child, eat.

Open mouth. Close mouth. Yeah, I was going to say, that's almost too many words. She just uses as economical as possible. Toast. Forward. Breakfast. Forward.

Swallow. Open. Digest. Cross the forehead again. I love that. So that was part of this new thing that Bravo shows do, except for on the housewives, which is that there's a montage of what the ladies are up to.

So then we cut to Annabelle. Rock and roll Annabelle, who's the muse of Alexander McQueen. She's so rock and roll. And they cut to annabelle rock and roll annabelle who's the you know she's the muse of alexander mcqueen she's so rock and roll and they cut to her cleaning all her old lady toys like an old musket like a tea set rock and roll she's like hopefully it'll be a good day and i'll see a hen and i'll shoot it in the head and then make it if i can after the accident i'm gonna have some oolong tea today because i'm rock and roll so funny well i have to say annabelle has finally learned about conditioner i don't know who told her but that bitch has shiny conditioned hair congratulations finally hair. Congratulations, finally. Welcome to American TV, darling.

I got a message from Alexander. Alexander left in his suicide note. Dear all, this cruel world is too much for me to deal with. And also Annabelle, please use some conditioner. So to respect his final wishes, this is for you, Alexander. I'm obsessed with being a

tough mother this year. So I've got a gun And it goes bang And I've also got bangs I miss you Alexander This year's collection would have been all about bangs Yeah So then we start seeing stuff around London And by the way

It like instantly made me want to go to London Which is strange, I've never really had that Feeling before Obviously we see tons of stuff that takes place in London but I was like, oh my god, I want to go to London right now. I was in it. I was in the mood. I was ready for this show. I never want to go to London because it's too expensive.

I've watched Selling London on the HGTV and it is too expensive. No thank you. So if anyone wants to donate to our London fund, thanks. Live show in London. Can you imagine how that would go over? Yeah, exactly Actually, you know, the English are the best at taking

the piss, as they call it They love it Let me just look at Caroline, forward Across the forehead Well then the best part is they cut to Caroline in her office And again, she's barking orders Valentina, who's helping in the stock room? Valentina.

Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. I'm like, you know that that's glass, right? And nobody can hear you through those walls. She's like, why can I hear everybody? But nobody can hear me.

There's glass there, Caroline. And then she switches to someone else. She's like, Pauline, what's wrong with the stock room? Pauline, have you spoken to Valentina? Valentina, find Pauline. Pauline. Valentina. Pauline.

I could have watched that for an hour. Pauline. Get Valentina. Valentina, why did I have to call Pauline to get you? I'd like to thank Pauline. Can you call Pauline back in here? Call Pauline. Call her.

Pauline, I'm at the end of the hallway. Forward. Left. Right. Very good. Pauline, stalk her now. Caroline's such a bitch and wears it proudly, which I love. She even has an office chair desk or an office desk chair that's tall on purpose.

It's like the height is all the way up. So even sitting down, she's taller than everybody. I will be looking down on you during this stock meeting. And what's her neon sign say above her head? Be nice. Be nice.

She is amazing. The first year, she's like, my employees got me that to remind me Unfortunately it's behind me Pauline Could you dust the sign Pauline Valentina get Pauline Does she have a duster

Okay across the sign slowly Slowly Faster now I'd appreciate it if you talked to me like this sign Silently and behind me So I don't have to deal appreciate it if you talked to me like this sign silently and behind me so i don't have to deal with it thank you darling love her valentina could you please get another sign that says don't so i could put it next to be nice thank you um this show so good okay so it's not just her being a bitch the whole time unfortunately yeah uh Yeah. It opens, we open, the first person who talks, of course, is Marissa.

Oh, yeah. She's got, like, a newish, she's like, Hi, this year I'm bitchier, and I have a thicker, fake London accent. Yes, she's like, well, now that Noelle is gone, she has to do the British word every five words. She, I love, by the way, that Marissa is getting the evil edit this season. Because last season she was just nice. And she's trying to be nice with everyone.

And she's like, whatever. I'm just like, I have pumpkin. This season she is like, I made you a birthday cake with a turkey on it. You know? Yeah. Skol. This year she's like, going to parties is really difficult. And it takes a lot of practice with the different people.

Like, you have to put a lot of effort into it. And I have done the work. So I've earned it. I'm like, what have you earned? Like, you've earned a nicer Evite. She's like, I'm now on the premium Evite list. It's not the free version. She's like, I'm now on the premium Evite list. It's not the free versions. She's like, I'm basically

Queen Elizabeth. Basically. She's like, I've gone from Evites to Pepe Luz Poe. Wow, Marissa, you're climbing, girl. I have made a turkey heart for the Duchess

of, you know, what's her name's baby coming out kate kate middleton's baby next baby i made a turkey heart for her because i'm on such good terms with some of the people on her staff before this even started, I was dying because they were showing, they're like, this season on Ladies of London. And then they show like the coming up scenes and it's that Julie chick just sobbing in every scene and being insane. And then they cut to every time she's sobbing, they cut to Annabelle who's looking at her like, ew. Like she's just totally disgusted every time. I know. Suck it up. totally disgusted every time someone cries. I know. It's like, suck it up.

I didn't cry when Alexander died. You're still crying about that horse. Shut up. I know. Well, that takes us to our first scene. So Annabelle and Julie were driving up to, what was it, Mapperton? Mapperton. Mapperton.

Mapperton. And you know what i love about this show they just drive by stonehenge like it's no big deal i'm like that's stonehenge that's stonehenge you just drove by for some reason that really bothered me like i can't believe you guys didn't stop and have like a scene at stonehenge like this is for an american audience like how could you not stop there julie's like my husband's family like they were really big on secretive employees like putting things in the middle of places and circular shapes for no reason you know like i wouldn't be the typical wife of somebody like that but here i am hiding stones you know like who did it i don't know

annabelle's like this is my favorite part of england because you know i'm so rock and roll it's just a bunch of rocks because i'm so rock. I'm so rock. Look at all these rocks. Rocks in a circle and rocks roll, you know, circles roll. So this is technically rock and roll. When I was 22, I used to always hang out with Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones

back in 1968. And we'd come here to Stonehenge and be like, look at all this rock and roll memorabilia. Why don't you guys call yourselves the Rolling Stones too? And he's like, sure. And I was like, I became the muse for the Rolling Stones. Alexander! Would you like to get stoned?

Would you like to do some rock? I mean, these are all phrases that I inspired Alexander with. My favorite game is rock, paper, scissors. We used to come here to Stonehenge, but we just call it rock, rock, rock. And then someone says, well, you have to put paper and scissors in because we don't know which rock you're on. I was like, fine, okay. I can roll with that. And then they're like, how about rock and roll?

I was like, great. She's like, proper crafting is not rock and roll. Rock, rock, rock, the end. Our games would never end. We'd just do rock, rock, rock. We're all equals in rock and roll no one wins if I ever have a daughter I'm going to name her Rochambeau but Roch Roch Roch

my favourite Jewish holiday is Rochashana hello are you going to come over for Roch, Rosh, Rosh Hashanah? You know, when I go out and do karaoke, I like to sing Paul Abdul's seminal hit, Rosh, Rosh. But then I add a third Rosh just to make it more me. Rosh, Rosh, Rosh. So Annabelle and Julie are friends now because Julie, I mean, Julie's crazy. Like, Julie's going to be's gonna be nice honestly to any Julie's one of those ladies who's so stressed out

because she's like an actual mom who has to work with like tons of children or four tons of children I guess I should say so she's like literally stressed out and about to lose it at any moment of the day and so she's gonna be nice to anybody who will listen to her I know I actually like I like I feel like

Julie in real life would be super fun to hang out with but she'd also be the kind of person who probably dumped like one too many emotional issues on you and you have to be like, I don't know Julie just like, just move on you know, and she's like, I know but like, you know, you can get that feeling, right? But then she's so fun to go out with.

I know I'm supposed to love them because I gave birth to them but I do not work for them. I mean, do you know what it's like being bossed around by a five year old one of them criticized my hot chocolate the other night I just feel useless useless like you know that she's that girl you know and I'm friends with many of her

yeah I know exactly I can prove it on all those voicemails from the unanswered calls so Julie so Julie and Annabelle go walking around mapperton and we meet julie's husband who's the future earl of sandwich lol ladies of london and um uh what i love is that like annabelle starts talking about mapperton she's like oh i remember back in the day we had many naughty parties at mapperton i mean really naughty stuff i'm like what what could have what could it have been she's like like, you know, sometimes we drink tea

without doilies. You know, it's just crazy. Crazy naughty at Mapperton. One time at Mapperton, we all had tea, and instead of putting sugar cubes in it, we put loose sugar. Everyone went crazy.

One time, instead of having scones, we had muffins. It was just divine. It was a moist day at Mapperton. What goes on at Mapperton stays at Mapperton. That goes all the doily secrets. I felt so bad for Julie. Actually, this entire show, every time they showed her, I was like, no, she just got her roots done. But they're not right.

She bleached her actual head oh she needs help no she looked like someone poured a an entire two liter uh bottle of mountain dew on her head and just let it dry fluorescent yellow poured you know she did it herself in the bathroom. Yeah. You know. Oh. It wasn't manic panic. It was just called panic. It's like put this on and then panic. It was like the Rite Aid version of something. I know.

But I felt bad for her because, I mean, hair aside, because she's like, yeah, you know, like no one would think that I would be a lady, but here I am. Here's Mapperton. I sweep here. I do all the books be a lady, but here I am. Here's Mapperton. I sweep here. I do all the books. I do the gardening. I clean. I clean the toilet. I'm like, oh, no.

This is like one of those things where the husband, you know, it's lineage, so you have to do all this shit. It's not like, congrats, you get a castle. It's like, congrats, here's your fucking chain that's going to be around your neck your entire life. You're never going to make a penny. And all you have to do is make sure that this church is clean in case one of the distant cousins tries to get married. Kill me. Exactly. We've all seen Down Abbey.

We understand the pressures of maintaining. But what I loved was that this gets back to what we were saying before when Julie was talking about how when she first met Luke. And she's like, well, when I first met Luke, I didn't know he had a title, but then he pulled out a gold Amex card. I was like, I can't believe you just said that on TV. She tried to make it sound like a coy thing. She's like, oh, why does your name say Viscount? And he's like, it's Viscount. Don't you dare say that in front of my parents. She's like, ha, ha, ha. I'm like, you realize that saying that the gold card was a pivotal moment in the spark is pretty much just as bad as you saying it.

Like, if you had just said it was because of his title. In fact, I would have respected you more if you said it was because of his title. Of course you're going to go after him because of his title. Of course. Yeah. Well, I think. Why do you think the title is there i think everybody's used to like marrying for money because that seems to be the job market yeah but um you know you're not supposed to just marry for a title darling yes

something you're born into with your titles get out of here a bunch of people who never did shit and don't do shit and just sit there and get like money for doing nothing like congratulations what has the queen done lately nothing she sat there and farted okay she just became she just became like yesterday i think truly yesterday or on tuesday the uh longest uh reigning monarch in in in the history of england well, please. She did that. She lived. She existed. I've seen all the movies about the Queen, and Walmart greeters have more of a job description than the Queen.

She just sits there in old, smelly clothes and doesn't do anything. Excuse me. She inspires national pride for that country. I will support HRH. Did you say HRH Queen Elizabeth or just HRH Elizabeth? I don't know. Isn't that a bank? No. HRH is Did you say HRH Queen Elizabeth or just HRH Elizabeth? I don't know.

Isn't that a bank? No. HRH is Her Royal Highness. Oh. I think. I forget. I'm a little rusty on my Queen Regina. Whatever, you lazy old bitch.

Get the job. Either way, I think if you say you married someone for their title, or you became attracted to someone because of their title, I would support that. I mean, isn't everyone after their Prince Charming? There is no Prince Charming. No one's after their Mr. Charming, okay? Everyone's after Prince Charming, all right? There is no such thing as Prince Charming, Tommy.

Doesn't everybody know that, you know? Have you seen one wealthy person who's just like my husband's great that's been lasting more than 10 years that's true well you know i have hopes for kate middleton and you know prince william i have hopes well i do too you know he he started prince charling it pretty or charlesing it pretty early so but then again you know it's like we or i've said on this show a zillion times like you can't date an uglier guy and think he's gonna cheat on you less than a hot guy there's like a certain desperation that comes along with being ugly that kind of makes it more

more exciting you know yeah at least a hot guy would be pickier if he's gonna get to cheat an ugly guy will cheat with like a you know like a cow that looks at him the right way you know you're never safe is what i'm saying could you imagine if like you end up in a romance with a royal do you know what so can i tell you a funny story that's not it's not really a story but uh my friend she used to work at sony and she was in sony london this is last year. And she and what's her face? What's the name of the princess or whatever? I'm going to say Dolores. It's not Dolores.

The one with the crazy hat. Fergie? No, not Fergie. It was Kate Middleton's wife. They've always got crazy hats. She had a particularly crazy one from Kate Middleton and from the wedding, from the royal wedding. I don't know.

I mean, right. Crazy hat. Crazy hat, Kate Middleton wedding. Watch. I'm going to do it. It's going to come up. Everyone listening at home is going to be like, oh, here's the picture. It's like it was an iconic photo.

Everyone at home saying the name over and over. Beatrice. Princess Beatrice. Okayrice. Princess Beatrice. So Princess Beatrice decided to do some weird internship at Sony, and she was seated directly next to my friend Jacqueline. They would sit next to each other, and then they would go and take lunch breaks together, go get lunch, and the paparazzi would follow them.

And my friend said it was the strangest thing because they'd be chatting over lunch and be like, oh, what'd you do this weekend? She's like, oh, I went to my grandma's house, you know, up in Scotland or whatever. And she's like, oh, my God, her grandma is Queen Elizabeth. It's so weird. Isn't that the strangest thing? I wish I could have been in that office. I don't know.

You know, my low opinion of all of the royal family comes from well not only the princess die stories because we got like quite a view into that uh into that family from those stories but also from the movie is about the queen have you seen the movie where i'm trying to think who even played her i don't know one of the you know one of the queen ladies yeah one of them that was the queen is so depressed like she just sits around all day doing nothing, feeling miserable, and that's her entire life. And then they're like, queen, you must make it out to the stables today because the horses miss you. And she's like, I didn't want to see the horses. But you must.

And she's like, I will see the horses. And then she takes like an hour to button up her fucking overcoat. And then she goes and she stares at the horses and she's like, are the horses pleased? And they're like, yes, queen. I was like, what the hell kind of life is this? How's the queen not hug herself? A good life. She's just like sitting around in some old mothball smelling.

I feel bad for that woman. Wouldn't you rather be walking around checking on horses with your giant overcoat than having to be begging people for money on Patreon.com? No, because having a job gives you life, Ben. She has a job. She has to go visit all these stupid – well, she has to go visit all these different places and pretend like she cares about everyone, that she likes everyone. She's even beyond pretending to care. She's just like, whatever. Well, no, she cares. It that she likes everyone oh she's even beyond pretending to care she's just like whatever well no no she does she cares it's her husband though he's the one who's like whatever i mean god that guy is a crazy old coot he i mean he says some terrible

terrible things i forget his name too but you know him king something he's not a king he's oh yeah he's not he can't be the king for some reason because i don't know why but he's like he's like an asshole and he just says awful things all the time by accident it's hilarious oh i love how this has turned into how much we don't know about anything yeah i know well it's a good segue to start talking about juliet so julia speaking of julia it's like i'm doing really good i've got like a baroness friend and i've got i know a pen sauce she's like and I'm doing really good. I've got like a Baroness friend and I've got, I know, a pen sauce. She's like, and my birthday's on Thanksgiving this year. So things are really great right now.

And by the way, have you noticed that like all these women at one point during the show, they're like, well, my husband's gone four days of the week. My husband's gone four or five days a week. We don't get, I'm like, do you, all these women are getting cheated on. That's what I'm going to say. All of them. All of them. All of them. Yeah, Juliet was sure to add, well, he's gone a lot, but at least we can FaceTime whenever

I call him. He's like, oh, I've got to pick up. Hold on a second. It's Juliet. Trust me, it's just easier to pick up. I'll be in the bath. I'll be in the loo. It's probably some question about Stouffer's Lean Museum. Just here doing nothing, not getting my penis polished by a stranger from a cuisine. Just here doing nothing, not getting my

penis polished by a stranger from a bar. How you doing, darling? How are the children? She's like, where can I get a lean cuisine out here? I don't know, darling. Just do a Google search. I've looked everywhere. This means a lot to me.

This means a lot to me and my family. Honey, I can't find fronions. Just keep looking, darling. Honey, do you know where I can rent a Parker Posey movie? I need a sister. Doesn't she look like Parker Posey, kind of? A little bit. She's like, honey, where can I get a Cadbury cream egg?

They're everywhere. It's an English brand. No, I want the American version. Well, Donnie, I don't know what to tell you. They're better out here. No. Your clink doesn't have corn syrup. What kind of country is this?

I just have so many memories. It's just like it's a tradition, Easter. It's just like, you know, it just reminds me of home. I don't know. If we don't have corn syrup in this, it's not going to feel like home. My kids need to feel like they're at home. Winer Juliet, so funny. Juliet is also like a legit mom who actually has to do stuff.

So I automatically respect her. I mean, I like Juliet, believe it or not. I mean, last season, there were so many times where I just wanted, I was so embarrassed for her, but I still like her. And, you know, as we're seeing, so as this season opens up, we learned that she and Marissa are, have been up and down. I think there's been friction. And the example that they show of why they have friction is sort of, I don't even remember what it was. It's something like, do you want to order pizza? And Marissa's like, oh my God, you're so difficult. And then they come back and it's like, yeah, things have been weird. Um,

and then, and then we see Marissa and this is when we see Marissa's accent. She's like, she's like things that bumpkin is doing phenomenally. Well, really happy. It's so phenomenal. I'm

a business owner, a mother, a wife. I'm really high up in the social scene. I'm basically winning everything. Everything's great. She starts really patting herself

on the back. She starts talking about how she's putting together this Thanksgiving dinner. And she's like, you know, I love party planning. It's what I do best. You know what? When I party plan, it's like watching an artist do what she does best. I'm like, shut up. You're doing a dinner party, okay? It's Thanksgiving. Guess what? You know who else can do Thanksgiving?

Every single other family in America. You're bringing food to a restaurant. Wow, Picasso. Wow. This is Picasso gravy. It doesn't look like it makes much sense, but I'm crazy. So, join me. And, you know, I don't want to – I'm jumping ahead a little bit in the episode.

My gravy is totally going to be popular after I'm dead. Just wait for it. You know, there are like two types of Thanksgiving. Well, I'll get to the Thanksgiving thing when it comes up to it. So anyway, so she is feeling good about herself and her party planning. And then we – next thing, or at least the next thing in my notes is that Caroline goes to visit Juliet. And so I love this. Caroline is in a car and she's – because Juliet has now moved south of the Thames.

And Caroline is describing like the atrocities of having to drive south of the Thames, and Caroline is describing, like, the atrocities of having to drive south of the Thames. She's like, it's like going from Manhattan to New Jersey. I mean, please. She doesn't... Just please. You know, I like Juliet, and it just feels awful having to drive on this bridge to see her. How disgusting.

This is disgusting. This bridge, look at all that dirty. How disgusting. This is disgusting. This is a bridge. Look at all that dirty water under here. Ugh, disgusting. Valentina, Valentina, drive alongside and put up a picture around your car so it looks like I'm in the north side of the river. I can't look at the scenery.

Just put a picture up, a mural up of Chelsea and then just drive alongside my window and I can just look at it. And Valentina's like, okay, I did it. Can I have lunch now? Yes, Valentina, and that's why you'll never be successful. Pauline, get Valentina her giant lunch that

she eats for three hours. And then cut her off midway like I taught you. Pauline, Valentina, here's a piece of bread bread you guys decide what to do with it spoiler alert you'll win if you only have a nibble the end spoiler alert there's never a winner in my office so she goes over to juliet's poor person house poor juliet and juliet's like it's great like this is how normal people live you, people who aren't dripping with money. Like, it's still a $5 million house.

It's just not a $15 million house. Like, who cares? I'm happy. I'm so happy. This is great. I'm so happy. Are you happy? I'm so happy.

Poor Juliet. I know. Although I have to say, she looked like she was having a really fun time torturing Caroline by bringing Caroline down to that neighborhood. Cause she was, Caroline was so unhappy. This, this was actually like the scene from big business,

Bette Midler on the subway, spritzing the homeless people around her with perfume. That's what she was doing right there. And she goes, I like what Caroline goes. Should I go in and give it a look? She's like, God,

no, God, hell no. Not's not caroline ready yeah it's a smart move um but yeah caroline's like this is just disgusting and then we had another car drive that was going i don't know if it was the same time or if i was just too lazy that i wrote the notes at the same time but this this julie becoming friends with um annabelle was hilarious too because they were in a car too yeah and annabelle's like you are a crazy driver i know i'm american yeah that was over at this when they were driving driving by stonehenge yeah and uh annabelle i know that this relationship is doomed because annabelle looks horrified to even be friends with julie

well we've actually become quite close because after the accident and then they show like clips of her practicing on a horse for two weeks before falling she's acting like this woman is acting like she's been riding horses forever and then like got christopher reeved that is not what happened well no you were gonna enter some contest and then started getting enter some contest and then started getting back in shape and then fell off stop making it like this movie where you couldn't speak for five years because your brain wasn't working and now you're like totally she did wait she did have a serious injury i mean i'm not gonna take that away from her i mean she was flung from

a horse at high speed i mean i i don't think i mean it was sort of stupid that she should mine was not even stupid but it seemed like she was out of her league with that horse but i mean i'm not gonna take her away she was flung from a horse ronnie and she broke like her back and you're like wow look i felt bad when she got flung from the horse you're not giving these ladies anything you're like queen elizabeth what does she have to do? Broke her back? Get over it. God, you are tough today. I know. I'm sorry. But I do kind of feel like shut up already with this horse. She's like, and then the accident.

It's like, bitch, no one made you get on that horse. Stop your whining. It's like last year all you did was cry about some other person being dead. And now all you're going to do is crying about some horse accident. some other person being dead and now all you're gonna do is crying about some horse accident it's like i hope for your sake something else like not or you know like something else happens for you to cry about for next year well she'll probably cry so happy being unhappy she's gonna probably cry about thanksgiving because they all the women all met at this supermarket and and they were talking about what to get and annabelle just says, she's basically like, I don't understand Thanksgiving food.

She's just like, whatever. She's like, I can't deal. And then Caroline also chimes in. When they're talking about this, Caroline tells us in an interview, she goes, Thanksgiving means absolutely zero to me. Yeah.

She's like, I love, you know, I have a lot of American friends, but I don't care about Thanksgiving. Fuck it, I hope it dies. I have a lot of American friends, but I don't care about Thanksgiving. Fuck it. I hope it dies. Oh, but I'm so sorry to do this to you, Ben.

I'm all over the place, and I know it. And I'm sorry. I'll get better. But I just wanted to say this about this stupid Annabelle thing, and I won't be evil about her broken back. Sorry, because you know someone's going to be like, I have a broken back. How dare you? I'm sorry. I'm not saying it's not a big deal. What I'm saying is, or what I was starting to say before my hatred took me over, was that, you know, this relationship is doomed because Annabelle looks miserable.

And the reason that she's friends with her is because she's like, Julie is a real friend. She didn't just come once to visit me. She came over and over and over. And I was like, oh, no. So now she's your friend because she's the one who kissed your butt the most when you were sick. This is not going to end well. That's not what friendship is based on. Julie's like, hi, it's me again.

Are we still friends? Are we still friends? Good. Oh, my God, my kids. I know. I was I was going to say, I was like, it's the only thing she could have done aside from taking care of her kids it wasn't because she cared about you it's because you want to get out of her own house you had to listen you couldn't move it's just like there's no wheel

there's no wheelchair ramp here yay okay let me tell you about the five-year-old what a little bastard Annabelle's probably like strange how the back spasms only seem to happen when julie comes around i can't wait to walk again so i can get the hell away from this woman okay done i will officially start going back so now so now the big fight of the episode the the seed the early seeds of it are planted and it will probably go the entire season and by the way i support it because of the exact sort of fight that gets me fired up too like i The early seeds of it are planted, and it will probably go the entire season. And by the way, I support it because of the exact sort of fight that gets me fired up too. I found myself getting a little into this fight. So Marissa, as we mentioned before, is hosting Thanksgiving this year,

and her plan is to cook the food in her apartment and then bring it down to Bumpkin, and then everyone can sit around the table in the private room at Bumpkin and eat there. Okay, that's her plan so uh marissa is very excited about this because she tells she's like i host thanksgiving every year so she has now taken ownership of this here it's a tradition it's tradition so um the thing is that marissa – oh, yeah. So – oh, wait. So Juliet wants to do Thanksgiving her way, which is be at a home. There's food on the table. You lounge on the couch.

You watch TV. I have to say I was sort of on Juliet's side because, you know, there are like two camps of Thanksgiving, right? There's the fancy Thanksgiving where everyone shows up in like a tie and sits around a table and it's like very formal or there's like or there's the lounging one where you sit around and you're in like a sweater or something like that and jeans and you're watching tv and partying and that's like the fun that's the fun thanksgiving i was on juliet's side i mean well juliet first of all juliet was saying, let's have it in my house. Because A, no one's going to drive there, and B, it's poor.

And she doesn't want to remember Thanksgiving that badly like it was in the States. It's like, I remember my parents were dirt poor. We would sit around and eat microwave macaroni and cheese and then unbutton our pants. That sounds like not a very fancy Thanksgiving. But I get it. I get it. But she's not even saying, like, come to my house. She's saying Caroline's house feels like home because it's so big and beautiful.

It's like, bitch, of course it is. It's like a $50 million home. That does not feel like home to you. You've never lived in a $50 million home. And you're totally scamming Thanksgiving off of somebody who doesn't even care about it. So shut up. Well, but that being said, she also is probably really sick of having to always go to bumpkin because you know like last season marissa made everything at bumpkin so so i get what she's saying you know

but my favorite thing though is that when marissa kept on going on and on about about how she hosts thanksgiving and she does it and this when people come and that At one point, Caroline just, again, in the interview, she just goes, it reeks of desperation. I love it. She just cuts everything down. Yeah. It's like trying too hard. Reeks of desperation.

Desperate. It's awful. I feel for her because I like her. But, you know, it's like a little puppy that has a broken leg. And, you know, it's still cute, but you just know it should be put down. Well, I don't understand why Julia just doesn't do a second Thanksgiving. I've totally done that before when I've had to go to like a Thanksgiving that's not totally ideal. And then the next day you do one, you do one on a Friday and it's still just as good, I have to say.

From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that.

Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for Black rights, She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society

that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power money and sex collide in a game of life and death follow academy on the wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts you can binge all episodes of academy early and ad free right now by joining wondery plus yeah i just i if juliet said look it's my birthday and i wanted to do this at home and so i'm gonna have like a big home thing and come if you want don't if you want i get it and not wanting to

spend it with marissa's like phony friends who she doesn't like and she's just trying to get on their you know paperless post list or whatever like i get juliet's thing but juliet's a fucking social climber too and she doesn't have a home to invite anybody to. So it's not like she's coming up with an alternate plan. She's not innocent. I don't like your plan. And it's all about your way all the time. Well, then plan something else.

You know, beggars can be choosers. But people get sick of buying them $20 Whole Foods salads. Batch. Yeah. Well, that's always been the problem with Juliet. Is that even when she's been right she handles situations so terribly she really really does and and she communicates horribly so it always goes in this terrible terrible direction which is exactly where this thanksgiving feud seems to be headed yep yeah juliette just wants to boss everybody around

it's like here's my gift i want for my birthday like yeah you don't get to do that like if you want to have your own birthday party somewhere and have it be this great big thing throw it yeah so so then after that we saw um like a slice of life in julie's flat where she and her four kids were all doing their homework and she was burning hot cocoa. Darling, the closet where she has to live with her title. She's like, look at this lovely grounds. Look, that's the church we got married in over there.

Look, there's the library. Look, there's the police station. I sweep that at night. Oh, my God. She's like, and then here's my tiny apartment where I'm stuck with these children who hate me. While my husband is off doing God knows what in the woods. But honestly, her kids were very cute. I liked her kids.

They're, like, well-behaved. I was like, oh, my God, these are so much better than the American kids on these shows. They're, like, they're polite. They don't scream at her for making bad cocoa. Yeah, and she seems like a really good mom. She does, actually. I really like her, and I love that she's going to be effing crazy.

I love it. I know. So then, in a hilarious way... I'm not English Rose, but I'm unstable enough for Elton John to write a song about me. So then, what I love is that then, to contrast...

I can't say it. I can't put the right emphasis. Because we're in a different country now i know i'm like my accents are messing me up i sound like marissa with more strange emphasis um anyway so then they cut to caroline uh dealing with her kids you don't even see the kids the kids and this is her her scene of mothering she just has her staff and she's like all right well tell me about what is what is little isabel doing and she's like, all right, well, tell me about, what is little Isabel doing? And she's like, well, she has a music recital.

All right, you'll be going to that. Yes. And Jonathan has a soccer game, has a football game. Like, all right, you'll be going to that. Yes, and there's a recital that they really want you to see. Okay, great. And you'll be attending that. Yes, wonderful.

All right. So good. Well, you know, she's about to feel sensitive because, you know, it's coming upon that time where she realizes that she's getting older and she doesn't have a parent around. So when she comes to you crying, you'll hug her, won't you? Yes. Yes, I will. Good. Hug.

Hug. Ding, ding. Hug. And would you do put on a name tag on the children so I know which one is which? Thank you so much. Would you please take this little flat Stanley around to all the god-awful tourist places in town and snap a picture with it? Thank you. Valentina, Valentina, will you go tell my daughter that you love her?

Thank you. There's a monster under the bed. Someone please offer that monster more money To just go away so Valentina can get some sleep Pauline Pauline Will you put a coin under the pillow There's some tooth fairy madness happening

Pauline Valentina find Pauline And actually leave the tooth there I want to confuse them Thank you Alright there Albert When my daughter is sobbing because she's got money and a tooth, please hug her. Hug. Ding, ding, ding.

So good. Oh, yeah. She's actually so extreme that you can't even make fun of it because it's already so ridiculous. I love it. I know. fun of it because it's already it's already so ridiculous i love it i know so then i think this is around this time is when juliette came over and was like can you please do thanksgiving here and she starts she's like about to cry over it and then caroline's like stop it she's like please no crying valentino could you please get a kerchief for this stupid wench in my dining room? So good.

And I love when Caroline explains it to us. She's like, you know, people think I'm cold or they think this or that about me and that's fine. But at the end of the day, my children are surrounded by people who love them, including me occasionally. But the people that are there genuinely do pretend to love them yeah i know i love that so good and then when she goes to visit juliet at home and there's all those families she's like oh buggy territory oh disgusting we're gonna run over one they're gonna run over us or something we're gonna open the car door and the baby's gonna die just get me out of here oh my god she is amazing and i love love also when Juliet was asking about, like, asking her to host Thanksgiving. Caroline was basically saying, you know, I don't care either way.

She's like, well, I'm not going to screech over a freaking supermarket about where I'm going to have dinner. Oh, yeah. Because their big accidental scene where they all just happen to be in the supermarket together. Where none of them except maybe two of them actually go in real life. Yeah. The ladies. And then the stupid Americans start fighting.

But I'm on my own birthday party. But it is your birthday party because I'm going to get a turkey cut. No, but I'm going to go. Well, so what happened for the real fight was

that after Caroline agreed to host Thanksgiving, she said, but Juliette, you have to tell marissa because i don't want to have to deal with this so juliet and marissa meet at bumpkin and um that's when juliet says that she is planning on doing thanksgiving at caroline's and marissa gets so mad she's like i'm getting a turkey birthday cake for you i can't believe it

a turkey birthday cake i mean it's not of turkey, but there's a turkey on top. I'm trying to make it about your Thanksgiving. Why are you mad at me for having a party on Thanksgiving, but you're not mad at Thanksgiving for being on your birthday? Like, if you're going to yell at somebody, yell at Thanksgiving. I have their number. I've been invited to many Thanksgiving holidays. I know Thanksgiving, okay?

So if you want to bitch at it, just tell me and I'll let you bitch at it. But don't blame me for Thanksgiving's problems. Well, the thing that was noteworthy about this scene was that Juliet didn't say – Juliet basically did not take ownership of her role in this whole thing. She kept on saying, well, you know, I was talking – and Caroline said, well, you know, she volunteered her house. And Caroline was thinking that maybe it would be better if we did it her. And so I was thinking that Caroline, that Caroline, and she totally made it seem like Caroline was the one who made this decree, not Juliet. Yeah.

Yep, because she's afraid of Caroline. Marissa will do what Caroline says. You know, everyone will listen to Caroline because as Juliet says in the opening of this episode, I really like being friends with Caroline because she knows a lot of people. You bitches get what you deserve, okay? Like, Caroline treating you like morons and basically mocking you on national television again, even though you know that that's what she's doing now. You deserve it. And I'm just going to love watching this because it's great i know well evidence of caroline knowing people is that then uh caroline held a cocktail party the night before

thanksgiving and uh it was like you were saying before a whole bunch of like skinny british beautiful women and including that should be the cast by the way yeah that was amazing all those women just being oh hello oh, hello, darling. Hello. Hello, darling. Oh, hello. I'm dating a football player. Oh, really?

I'm dating a rugby player. Oh, really? I work in fashion. Oh, really? I have a fashion line. Oh, really? I'm a model. Oh, really?

I'm a supermodel. Oh, wonderful. Oh, so good. And all the shade, all the lady shade. Loved it. That should be the cast. We met the new Caroline. Caroline 2.

Caroline Fleming, who's Danish royal family, which so far, so far, so good. I like her. So far, I respect her because she's a royal with a goddamn job, okay? Yes, it's hosting America's Next Top Model in wherever, but still, you know, still something. Like, she gets out of bed in the morning and does more than like button over button or overcoat for an hour i can't believe you're saying that this bitch this danish like by countess whatever she is i can't believe you're saying that she is more respectable than queen elizabeth how dare? I'm not going to apologize for who I love.

Nor should you. Nor should you. Yes, Queen Elizabeth eats and she doesn't have a job. This girl starves and she works. It's very simple. I don't care about your title. Here's the thing. This was a cocktail party for shady British women and Marissa walks in. And Caroline's like, this party is for shady british women and marissa walks in so good and caroline's like this party is

for the most special women in london here's the hostess of not america's top model and here's a lady who's had her hair done on e i'm like how are these the most special ladies in england i know well but either way they have been reared in the fine art of British shade. And in walks Marissa, and she thinks that she can shade these women. No. She walks in, and in such a past-aggressive move, she brings the turkey hats that she had made custom for her Thanksgiving. She's like, well, I had already ordered them before you had decided not to come to my Thanksgiving dinner. So here you go. Turkey hat that says Caroline on it.

Yeah, with her, like like bitchy face on she's like yeah i had these made before you totally ditched my party and decided to have your own to compete with it so enjoy your turkey hats like uh a you're giving them turkey yeah you're giving turkey hats when you have the hostess of denmark's most female line a turkey hat. Caroline. Caroline. Caroline put it on for one second. She's like, send this to the children. Actually, one of her kids made an appearance.

Shoot these ugly things. They don't deserve to walk around. This is hideous. Someone shoot it. Someone send this to Annabelle and have her shoot it. She's into that right now, isn't she? I can't believe you Americans actually praise this bird. Put this on so I can shoot it.

Marissa's like, yeah, so enjoy your turkey hot at your special party. By the way, then that's when Caroline goes, I forgot. She goes, I couldn't hate a gift more. I didn't even hear that. Yeah, that's what she goes. I couldn't hate a gift more this month's ringers are just gonna be all of Caroline's lines from today

cause she's amazing Marissa you walk into a party full of ladies who can outshade you with a look and you're wearing Easter colors in the fall. I mean, come on. Marissa, if you have that many friends in London, you need honest

friends to give you advice. Because nothing you did was right here. Nothing. Nothing. Even Julia was more polite. And Julia's like the worst. Julia's like, hi everybody! Hi! Hi! hi Marissa oh my god hi I've seen you on TV

oh I've seen your picture before hi everybody everyone's like hello and then she's like hi Marissa do you want to talk or something wait before she said you want to talk though we had like some great iciness between

them because they were you know Juliet greeted marissa last it was that great moment of watching marissa waiting for her hello and you could see the tension and then marissa walks away from the group and oh it was so wonderful i love that that's what i live for on bravo tv i know but juliet wasn't even gonna ignore her she was just like hi, hi, everybody. Hi. Hi. And then at the very end, she's like, hi, pumpkin. Pumpkin. You know who Juliet reminds me of?

Anna Kendrick. That's what she reminds me of. Yeah, Anna Kendrick could totally play her. Yeah, like a less pretty Anna Kendrick. Oh, rude. I wasn't even meant to be rude. I was not meant to be rude. I was actually, I didn't want to be mean to Anna Kendrick. Oh, rude. I wasn't even meant to be rude. I was not meant to be rude. I was actually, I didn't want to be mean to Anna Kendrick.

Juliet, last year, because we covered this show on the site, and the recap's so funny. And last year, the recapper was really, obviously, rude. And Juliet and Marissa were retweeting these recaps every week. And I'm like, why are they retweeting the recaps? They're so awful to them. And then finally, I guess Juliet finally read one towards the end of the season. And she tweeted at us,

whoa, you guys really speak your mind, right? Jeez, God. And you could just hear her voice. Yeah, you could hear her voice. Oh, God. Jeez, guys! Mean much? All I can remember from her from last year is wearing some ridiculous

American flag sunglasses or dress or something, and Annabelle hating her for it. They got into a fight outside of Pumpkin. Ah, Pumpkin! So basically the fight ended with Marissa being like, well, you know what? I planned your whole birthday. I did all this stuff for your birthday, but that's okay. got to fight outside of bumpkin ah bumpkin yeah so basically the fight ended with marissa being like well you know what i just i planned your whole birthday i did this all this stuff for

your birthday but that's okay you don't have to come it's fine it's fine it's fine yeah you know it's the first time i've ever thrown a party where i've had like a guest of honor who doesn't show up so but you know what i put the tickets on ticket mosta and've sold them, and so there's not going to be empty chairs or empty tables. Okay, they miss? Bye. Caroline's like, Valentina, the Americans are fighting. Could you please show them out? Thank you.

Pauline, could you find Valentina to show out the Americans? Thank you. Slow it. Valentina, broom, broom. Sweep away the tacky. Sweep it away. Sweep out the poorness. Sweep it.

Across the foyer. Slowly. Out the door. Thank you, Valentina.entina slowly now the daughter's like mommy all right have one of the poor people hug her on the way out have one of them hug her get a free hug i'm not paying you for that marissa tacky bitch does anyone know the name of this one down here anyone know the name so good anything with caroline and then of course these women start screeching at each other about the stupid party in the hallway. In the foyer. And all the other women come out and watch it like it's, you know, like a party performance.

For $2,500, ladies! They're like, wow, look at those idiots fighting. They're like all leaning on the walls just watching them drinking their samples, darling. They're like, ladies, if you'll now join me in the foyer, you'll watch the two barbarians fighting. They're like all leaning on the walls just watching them drinking their samples, darling. They're like, ladies, if you'll now join me in the foyer, you'll watch the two barbarians fighting. Thank you. And next, opera. Because they would

have that at this party. Everybody at this party would be like, I love that song. Lovely tune. Now let's put on some One Direction. Some of the boys. So, so fun. So good.

What else did we have in here? That was pretty much it for Ladies of London. Yeah, I guess I have a ton of notes that don't need to be discussed. Because I'm going to keep going back to Annabelle getting thrown off a horse. I know it. I know myself. Oh, Annabelle getting thrown off a horse i know it i know myself oh annabelle oh but i do love one thing about that i learned this week on this show that i never really knew which is um if you're having a party and someone else is having a party and then you try and poach their guests that is one of the worst things you can do marissa was

like well i don't want to be accused of, like, poaching her party guys. Because that is the worst thing you can do ever. And then at the party, Caroline's like, well, I don't want you to think I'm poaching. I mean, oh, God, that's awful. I would never do that. I'm like, oh, please. Yeah. Caroline is just happy because Caroline did not want to go to Bumpkin either.

And she's just happy to, like, she can just be in her house and she can come downstairs and be done with it. Not have to travel into town. Well, my personal favorite line before I heard the one that you said, I couldn't hate this gift anymore. Because that is now my new favorite line. But the one that I actually wrote down was when Marissa's like, oh, well, yeah. So I'm having a birthday party for you. And, you know, it's really tacky. You just shopped around your birthday and you totally traded up.

And then Caroline's like, trade it up for me? Look, I may be skinnier and blonder, but, you know, I don't even know how to cook. So amazing. So amazing. Love this show. And when she said, oh, emotional Americans. Yes, they were fighting at my party. Yes, it was awful.

But I sort of enjoyed them fighting over me. Is that sick? I'm like, Carolyn, they weren't fighting over you. But I do enjoy that you think that. Yes. I love this show. So good. And also the American argument that we'll be hearing for the next what 12 weeks or whatever

which is my favorite american argument oh so i'm sorry i'm not perfect and you're a saint well i'm i'm sorry i'm not perfect that's like my favorite argument in america anything that happens like well i'm sorry i'm not perfect it is a classic i don't know why that's american but i never see anybody from any other country being like oh i guess i'm just not perfect enough well i think that if caroline were to get into that fight it'd be more like well i'm sorry you're imperfect exactly i'm sorry you're lesser than but you know i'm not a geometry inventor i can can't change numbers. So just, you know, you're going to have to deal with it. All right. Valentina.

You're under me, darling. Valentina, I'm sorry that I'm perfect, but get into the stockroom right now and find out what is wrong. Slowly across the forehead. Valentina, lunch over. Pauline, get Valentina from the storeroom. Yes, get her now. Tell her to bring me me a salad then have her sit here and watch me eat it thank you Pauline please go to Valentina

and remove the fork from her hand god I have to do everything around here something interesting on our Facebook that was posted by Joel Ranieri hot name Joel Andrew's ex hits slopes as her firm hits the buffers that was posted by Joel Ranieri. Hot name, Joel. Andrew's ex hits slopes as her firm hits the buffers.

Prince Andrew's rumored old flame, Caroline Stansberry, has been whizzing down the slopes in Courchevel. Her company, the Gift Library, has gone into administration. Uh-oh. Administration? So after listening to all of her I'm ruling the world and I own 30 businesses now and I'm better than everyone.

Now you're an administration. I don't know what that means, but it rhymes with chapter 11. So good luck, darling. I love British terms. Like, for instance, instead of a detour, if there's a construction, it's a diversion. Please be warned, there's a diversion up ahead.

You may wind up in administration. Listen, I'm not taking care of my companies, but people who love my companies are taking care of it. And I know that everything will be fine. Thank you. She's got a picture with someone that looks like that idiot from Vanderpump Rules. What's her name? Sheena Marie. Well, she's number 19 on the list of the 18 most important people in London.

Oh, God. Well, I love you, ladies of London. Love you. You know what? You're already doing such a great job that Ben is thinking thin. I can hear that, rapper. I could hear it. I'm sorry.

I was trying to do it as quietly as possible i know it's like really unpleasant to hear someone eating when you are listening to a podcast you have earbuds in your ear and you hear someone i was trying to be discreet well i have a mute button on my microphone maybe i'll press that while i choose that way it doesn't bother everyone no it's not that it was bothering me i just heard the rapper actually and i was like thinking thin all the way over there i remember one time we had katie on it and everyone was like oh my god oh my god tell her to stop eating i didn't notice throughout the show but so many people complained that i listened and she's like oh my god you guys you would not believe what happened that's because when you're when you listen to a podcast it's true when you

listen to a podcast um you know you're dialed in only to the audio I had a guest on the banter blender once and he was like leafing through a newspaper while we were talking and so every two seconds you'd hear like the paper turn and it was so annoying and he was totally focused on the podcast but you just hear that paper turning

every two seconds I was like stop it stop it so everyone here comes a big crinkle and that's it just open it you know, wait, everyone, here comes our big crinkle. And that's it. Yeah, just open it. You know, like in dinner theater, we used to say, Just open it! Sometimes from the stage, because people open shit,

like in theaters, you know, old people open things like this. And they try and do it slowly. And then it's like act one's, like, almost over, and they still haven't eaten their fucking mint. God bless dinner theater theater where you could just say, just open it. Just open it. Sunrise! Just open it for fuck's sake.

Eat the goddamn thing before I kill all of my daughters and the show's over. Sorry. Valentina. Just open it, Valentina. Open it now. Good God, Valentina. I don't know why you're bothering thinking it's not gonna happen. Just open it and Valentina. Open it now. Good God, Valentina. I don't know why you're bothering thinking it in.

It's not going to happen. Just open it and be done with it. Open. Open. All right, so what do we have next? We've got Below Deck next. Yay, Below Deck. Oh, wait, which notes did I just erase?

I thought it was Ladies of London. Press Command Z. Press Command Z. Oh, God. Thank God for that command. I'll tell you that. That's more commands than the Queen gives. My computer's working.

Just kidding. Sorry, Queen of England. I know that the Queen of England is sitting there, like, buttoning up her overcoat right now, drinking tea, thinking, what a bitch. What have I ever done to that fat bitch? Sorry, Queen of England. I like the idea of Queen Elizabeth taking some time out of her day to listen to Watch What Crappens.

She's like, Watch what crappens, watch what crappens, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens. Good jolly good time. You never know, Ben. You never know.

We have friends in very high places. All right. So you want to do Below Dreck or Mades on a Boat or My Fab 40th? I was going to say Below Deck to go next. Alright, let's do it. So the episode opened with Rocky bawling to her dad on FaceTime. Of course. Oh, dad!

Everyone's mean! My boss is, like, negative. I don't think she realized that she signed up to be a maid. She thinks that she signed up for a freaking, you know, synchronized swimming tournament or something. She thinks that she's entitled to go into the water and swim around and play. Yes, this is like, no one on this show knows that they're a maid yet. It takes you like two years.

It's like that scene in Annie where Daddy Warbucks gets Annie. And then he's like with his assistant lady or whatever. And they get Annie and they bring her to the mansion. And they sing that song. We've got Annie. We've got Annie. And like all the maids are dancing around in this mansion and stuff and then they hand annie a broom that's this show well i'm sorry taking a bite i'm sorry everyone

i'm sorry yeah what the hell over there what are you starving to death that's like an american thing too i have to eat right now i've got to keep my I've got to keep my blood sugars up. Actually, I am not finishing the bar. I only want to eat half of it. I'll eat the other half once the podcast is done. That's the way to celebrate ladies of London right there. Eat a bite, throw the rest out, darling. Yeah, Valentina,

take this Thinkin' bar and throw it in the trash. Do it slowly. I want to watch it perish. I'm going to start a new bar called think half think not about your children bar okay so um that is a skinny thing where skinny people are like you want to know how i do it i order whatever i want and then i order a to-go box and i put half of it in the to-go box like oh what were you married to mario get the fuck out of here putting half in a box get out we're not friends so anyway so uh rocky was crying to her dad i loved she was complaining about kate she's like she's taking me over

she's not a freaking ghost okay she's not taking you over she just asked you to iron some pants once okay it's not like a violation of your personal space or i love her dad her dad's like so basically you're having an emotional breakdown over nothing all right buck up you know be a man and walk out there and do your goddamn job and stop calling me collect okay it's expensive from a boat it's like dad dad because he's like he's well listen, you just have to realize that for Kate, being mean is her game. And Rocky's like, she's winning!

The dad's like, so you're basically a loser, is what you're telling me. She's like, okay, so what you're saying is I have to work on it. And then she tells us normally i don't cry so this is crazy i'm like yeah right normally you don't cry bitch please it's probably raining outside and you're like dad someone is putting water all over my swing side the rain is so negative dad the rain is taking me over I just want to make everybody wet

it's not fair oh my god she is so ridiculous nothing more fun than someone who's realizing they've just been sold into like made slavery yeah she really thought that i mean she really thought she was going to be esther williams just swimming around in circles on this boat but no she thought she was going to be like kathy lee gifford in that carnival cruise line yeah If they call it semen, no. If they call it semen, no. La, la, la, la, la, la.

Meanwhile, she's in the basement. I know, in her little cubby hole. She loves the children that works for Kathy Lee for five cents an hour. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't get the paperless post that child slavery became unfunny. No, I wasn't doing oh about that. I was doing oh because Kathie Lee Gifford just lost her husband. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She still gets an oh.

Yeah, she gets an oh because Kathie Lee Gifford, Cody's dad, is dead. And also, she's drunk on TV now every morning, which, you know, good for her. Yeah. So anyway, the big news is that this episode's charter guest is Dean, who was on twice last season. He of the rocket ship pillow, or arrangement, a towel arrangement. So they're all excited.

Kate's really happy. And I guess he wants to do, they're going to do some sort of Greek toga party, something or another. I love all of Kate's veiled comments in this. She's like, well, Dean is very demanding. And I was thinking maybe we could do a toga party for Dean. Because Greek people were the first people to enjoy anal sex unabashedly.

And it's like, okay, Kate, we get it. I know. Well, I love how. So in anticipation of this party, Rocky has a mermaid tail that she brought, of course. That my 10 year old and six year old nieces have, by the way. Yeah. And so same color and everything. So they were going to use it for part of this party. I take my passport, my id and my mermaid tail that's what i do where that's where how i travel but i love how kate's response is well rocky wearing a mermaid tail doesn't make amy or my life easier but you know well if it works it

works but you know gay people love nothing more than a fish flopping around on deck so we'll see how that goes for her i I love Kate. And also I love Amy, even though she's so dumb. Love you, Amy, if you're listening. Yeah, I do like Amy. I'm just imagining that the Queen and Amy are listening to this in the same room. And the Queen's like, oh, you sound pathetic.

I love that Amy sees that Rocky's upset. She's like, Rocky, honey, you're so upset. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand what it's like because Kate can be mean and I want you to know that I am here

for you and I believe in you. I believe that you can be a great maid. I'm going to show you how to get gum off the bottom of tables girl. Mean you. It's like them and Louise with the dustpan. And Rocky's like, I don't want to talk to off the bottom of tables. Girl, mean you. It's like them and Louise with the dustpan. And Rocky's like, I don't want to talk to this loser. I know.

Even Rocky doesn't like Amy. Poor Amy. She's like, get me out of here. And Amy's like, well, sure, Rocky doesn't do anything. But, you know, I'd rather have an idiot who does nothing than someone who's negative and mean not that i'm talking about you know k but k she's like i'd rather have someone who has a positive attitude is kind of dumb than someone who tried to give a blow job to my ex thanks oh amy um yeah so they're to have this big toga party.

And this episode also opens with Don. Is his name Don? Don. Don or Al? Don. And Don's like, hey, hey, hey, look at me. What? I can't have a personality?

What? Is having a personality a crime? What? I can't be me? What? I'm here to be me. I'm going to be me. I have a personality.

It's like, we already see your personality, okay? Take your shirt off and shut up. Yeah, exactly. There's also a scene at the beginning here with Connie and Emil scrubbing the yacht. And Connie's like, well, you know, I'm sleeping with Emil. I mean, we're not sleeping, but we're in the same room. And I just want you all to know like me and emile we would there would never be anything between us i'm like yeah no shit you think you're acting as if it's

your choice yeah emile's like a brother to me and um you know my brother's like really sad about my dad dying so like i'm just blowing emile right now because i feel bad for my brother like it's not that i'm like desperate i just want you just for the record yeah thanks i just like i just like the idea that connie is acting as if emil is totally barking up her tree i'm like you know he's not interested in you at all right you realize that no one was ever wondering if you guys would be ever anything it's not gonna happen connie connie connie god bless her as attractive with connie over any of the other girls she's fun and chill oh she is she is fun and chill but she's i know i i don't like that when people are like whatever we would never be anything i'm like you realize that was never a

question you realize that no one ever thought you'd be anything so don't assume that about yourself just go keep playing with your dentures. I love Connie because I think she sounds like Ronnie. And I think it's just pretty much that simple. Like, it's come to, like, whether I hate or love somebody based on their name. And her name rhymes with mine, so I like her. You're like, from here on out, I will be referring to Caroline Stansbury as Carolani. I wish. No, I wish I could be a Caroline. Ibury as Carolani. I wish.

No, I wish I could be a Caroline. I don't have the money for that. No. I have the horrible attitude for it, but not the money. I'm just a poor bitch. It only counts when you're a rich bitch. Well, then we have a scene where Don, last week, Don messed up this issue with the rope. They were pulling out, and he was being too slow, getting the slack on the rope or whatever.

So this time he, like, walks up to Eddie. He's, like, all excited. And he's like, hey, you know what? I have a really good idea about how we should do this thing with the rope. Remember how last time there was an issue? So why can't we put this idea? Like, why don't we put some tape on the rope? I think that would be a great idea.

I think that would be wonderful. I think it would fix everything. And he's like, ooh. Okay, sure. Don's like, great. Okay, I'm going to do it fix everything. And he's like, okay, sure. Don's like, great, okay, I'm gonna do it right now. I'm like, wow, that was really thrilling. That was a thrilling moment for Don. Wow, Don

has figured out how to further the made game. Don's like, you know, why doesn't anybody use double-sided tape? That's what I want to know. Where's double-sided tape? You know, is there a store we can order from where there's double-sided tape? Because it could change our lives. It could change everything. It could change the entire industry. Send this out.

Send this out. Tell everybody. Put it in Morse. Shut up. Oh, God. I know. And then later he's like, hey, Emil, does anyone ever call you Emilio? Emil's like, no.

He's like, oh, well. Does anybody ever call you a cokehead? I know. John's like, how about if I call you Emilio? I'll call you Emilio. Emilio Estevez. That's what you're like. He's like, no, thank you.

He's like, please don't address me. Yeah, Don is a mess, and he doesn't know how to take any orders. And the captain's like, ah, there goes Don again, not listening to anything. I don't even know why I bother with these orders, because Don can't hear them. Hey, anybody got to know what language Dan speaks so I can have these orders translated for Dan? Vicky's like, I speak Dan. She's like, Dan. She's like, listen here, Dan.

You better do what the captain says or you're going to spend the rest of your lives in the wilds of these boats. Okay. Dan's like, but you know what? I like to work. I thought you liked when people worked. She's like, oh, that's true that you do like to work i don't know what to do you know you know who the most horrified person of all of this uh all of this production is the poor casting person because they're sitting there while people are on the show like don going i don't even do this i don't this

isn't my job i don't even know what i'm doing here and then you've got Rocky is like I'm not even oh I'm not even a maid what am I doing here and the casting person's just like we knew that you're not supposed to be announcing that we're just casting people who don't know what they're doing exactly exactly so then uh speaking of Rocky not knowing what she's supposed to do uh uh Kate sent her down to do laundry, because if you remember from last episode, when Rocky said she doesn't like doing laundry, Kate was like, big red flag. Every maid likes doing laundry. So Rocky, of course, did not do the laundry.

She did not iron everyone's outfits like she was supposed to. And so the charter guest was coming on in five minutes, and everyone was in the laundry room. It was like pandemonium, and no one knows what shirt was what. And Don was like, someone was looking for their shirt, and Don was like, yeah, I wear a small. I wear a small. I'm like, how in the world do you wear a small, Don? We know that you're five feet tall, but you also are very muscular.

Like stop saying you wear a small. That's ridiculous. Even Alex Beheaton couldn't believe it. And then put on a small and pretended that it was still his even though he's like busting out of it. He's like, what? It's my shirt. This is how it fits. It's always fit like this. And Alex is like, well, I don't think that this is the

Chippendales. I think that this is made on a boat. So maybe put on a better shirt, buddy. But then Don started to get even more annoying because once, you know, once the guests were on board, etc. There was this controversy because there was a fender,

this big fender thing, that they had pulled up onto the side of the yacht. And... Oh, God, this made drama. I'm falling asleep. I was actually totally into this fight because the first officer, Dan, had told Emil and Connie

that when the yacht is on its way, a.k.a. like not in the dock, that the fender should be up and over, like should not be on the side of the boat. And so but by having it on the side of the boat, it meant it was a little annoying to walk around. So Dom was like, hey, I've got this idea. How about this? Why don't we just put it on? Why don't we just like hang it high over the side of the boat? And then that'll be it, you know? And they're like, well, we can't.

We shouldn't do that because you're not the boss and the boss didn't say that, sir. And Don's like, well, listen, it's a great idea. It's like a revolutionary idea. You're thinking about the wrong way. You're thinking about so small. This is just the way to fix it. This is what you have to do.

They're like, well, you know what? This is an order from Dan, who's the boss. And he's like, no, no, no. Just say it was my fault, okay? Just put it over the side. And for some reason- Just say you listened to do. They're like, well, you know what? This is an order from Dan, who's the boss. And he's like, no, no, no. Just say it was my fault. Okay? Just put it over the side. And for some reason, I was – Just say you listened to Don instead of Dan because it's only one letter difference.

And then you can be like, whoops, I don't know how to spell. Everyone would believe that. What are you, dumb? You're a maid. Like you're a maid. I'm an engineer. So just tell him. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. He was being so annoying, but I was so into this because you know what i feel like we've all had those moments where we've met the dons of the world right where you have an order and then someone comes through and tells you to do something else that's not their position to do and they put you in an awkward position of having to say well so and so said to do this and then it gets weird oh i was so mad i was so mad at don shut up a waiter

for freaking 20 years yeah I know the type and also the type that's always trying to reinvent shit that doesn't need to be invented like reinvented

like so you hang the thing over the side or don't like who cares like how are you revolutionizing anything you're making zero difference

if you want to feel like you're like making a difference in the world A you're in the wrong job and B you know like send money to one of those like starving African a you're in the wrong job and b you know like send money to one of those like starving african children or something and put it on your fridge

i know get the fuck out of my way this has nothing to do with my shift i know it was it was driving me nuts i should have done you just just walk around the fender you stupid idiot he's just like obviously a cokehead or something's up with him where he's like what what why are we doing this why are we doing that i'm like you're obviously taking drugs to make you care because you're a maid and no maid should care that much okay like just look at the maid parade going down the street at like bus stop time or whatever no one gives a shit okay and that is how it should be all right it's menial labor darling well so then the next thing is that the guests were going to go out on, like, a little fishing trip to catch, like, catch lobsters and conches. And Leon started getting a hard-on. He's like, fresh fish as a chef.

It's what we live for. Oh, whatever. Relax. Did you forget that you're on chart and you're supposed to be living for your daughters? did you forget that you're on Chopped and you're supposed to be living for your daughters I was shocked when he wasn't like fresh fish when you're a chef on a boat you live for your daughters

but he actually hasn't been that guy he's like I love my daughters more than anything and I will never mention them again it's like a nice change for a chef on TV I know but yeah he's like oh fresh fish you know I'm a chef and I love fish alright guests go out there and catch your dinner and he's like, oh, fresh fish. You know, I'm a chef and I love fish.

All right, guests, go out there and catch your dinner. And Dean's like, oh, so I guess we're supposed to do our own catching. Is there a grocery store for me to go to as well for you? Chef's like, yeah, that's right. Bring it back. I hope they don't bring back a conch that's not open because I'm a chef, not a conch opener. It's not my job description i'm like well welcome to this boat where nothing is in anybody's job description yeah throw it on the ground i mean

what the hell's so hard i know um what are we gonna do with the conch conch it's a rock it's a rock in a sink what are we gonna do with the conch like really made drama oh my it's like you know what you know it's like go on to YouTube because you know what I did I was at that point I was very curious I was like oh how do you get conca I went on to YouTube you know what I did you know what hey you know what you know what I did

I went on to YouTube I looked at three different videos and I'm like oh so that's how you do it and it took me all of four minutes I know they have wifi on that yacht so go on to YouTube look at an instructional video, and figure it out. And then I made a blog post and cooked a conch. I know. Went the whole way.

And then I bought a book that the Barefoot Contessa wrote about conch. I know. I was like, wow, conch, right? Am I right, guys? How easy is that? I'm having a conch party for all of Jeffrey's friends. Be sure to use some good conk. Jeffrey's like, do I have to go?

I'm really busy here on my Windows laptop swiping. Jeffrey, just eat what you want to, darling. I'm sending Jeffrey to the store for the conk party, and I'm giving him an explicit list of instructions, because if I don't, he's going to come back with a chicken wing and ice cream. Jeffrey. I wonder how Jeffrey's doing at the supermarket. Jeffrey's like jerking off behind a cardboard display of Fit is the New It.

Back to Ina. behind a cardboard display of Fit is the New It. It's like, Fit is the New It. Back to Ina. Well, the conch is done, and all that's left to do now is to put it in a butter sauce. So we melt two sticks of butter over medium heat. I love the way that smells. And now we click to it.

With the straw. Then look at the clock and wonder where Jeffrey might be right now. And she goes, to make the sauce, here, I'll tell you how I did it. All I did was take two pats of butter, a tablespoon of pepper, mix it together, put some salt in it, and add a julienne, a carrot, julienne, a cucumber.

Put it in the oven and took it out again, put it on the stovetop, and that's it. That was pretty easy, right? I'm like, what, huh, what? Now just sandwich that between five pieces of large bread that you didn't make enjoy like when she does that she's like and now half the table is this bread i got from the store um i'm so excited for the comic my friend barbara lieberman's coming over and she's gonna bring some wine i can't wait to see what she picks out cuts of barbara lieberman her arch rival being like aina told me to bring some prosecco but i thought i'd be fancy and bring some champagne because you know aina doesn't know and i'm just like i love a rebel yeah i love her a and i love thinking of her in the context of this chef because this chef won't give any recipes

away she's like how do you make that chef how do you make that dressing he's like well if he wants to know how to make a dressing, maybe he could find a magical potion that he could give me, and then we could switch minds. Like in that Lily Tomlin movie and Steve Martin, and we can switch minds, and he can be brilliant for a day before switching back. Until then, it's done. It's like, welcome to the Food Network.

Today I'm teaching you how to make nothing, because you didn't learn anything on your own, and I learned it all. Damn loser. Here, have some ceviche i kept on saying ceviche i love this ceviche well this ceviche is a conch conch ceviche made with your conch well i love this ceviche ceviche ceviche i also love well also with this conch situation um Leon, when he's saying how he doesn't want to open up the conk, he goes, As we say back in England, not my cup of tea. I'm like, you know, it's an American expression too, okay?

It's not just British, all right? Wasn't he talking about Kate then? He's like, I don't work for Kate. Oh, yeah, you're right. She's a maid. She's not my cup of tea. You're right yeah you're right she's a maid you know you're my cup of tea you're right you're right i do have that in my note but you know what kate conk it's the same thing and also he's so full of shit so i'm kind of skipping some stuff but i'll go back

so this conk thing so he's like give me a conk so they bring him this one conk that's basically a big rock yeah and he's like i don't know how to open that and so he just throws it in the sink and then uses frozen conk i know if tom clickicchio were there if tom colicchio were there that shit would not fly we all remember what happened to ike on top chef when he used the frozen scallops and like 50 other people who have used frozen things how would you ever do that on any cooking show but especially on bravo they need to bring tom colicchio on one of those little Tinder boats. It needs to just be like speeding up and he needs to just walk on completely disinterested

and be like, Padma, say it. And then we'll all have to wait for Padma to take her separate Tinder all the way. And then that one will come up and then Padma will look like she's trying to cry and she'll be like, please, pack your knives and go. And then the chef will be like fuck all y'all leon leon please tell us about your ceviche well this ceviche is made from very fresh very fresh

conch which it is it's the freshest of the conch and that's all i'll tell you about it because the rest is my own secret i call it my house ceviche he'll be like thank you judges from top chef your entire cabinet of tea that I don't like. Thank you. And Tom and Bobby get all flustered. How do you use frozen conch? How do you do that? You're a chef. You're on here. It's Top Chef.

I don't know. What was going through your mind when you did that? What were you thinking? It tasted rubbery. Leon, I had a hard time with it. It tasted very rubbery. Gail says, you know, I like the flavor of it. I thought the flavor was great. But the texture was very off-putting.

Gail will be off in the corner like, floral patterns. This time it's going to work. No, Gail. It still doesn't work. Stop it. It's like year 10. Stop it. Oh, No, Gail. It still doesn't work. Stop it. It's like year 10. Stop it. Oh, I love Gail.

I do too. But she needs to be told. So anyway, there was also this moment when somewhere in the mix here, because now we're all out of order. I don't care. Everything could be out of order with this show. But at one point, Rocky got really sad because she couldn't dive off the boat. This is before she went on her break. At one point, Rocky got really sad because she couldn't dive off the boat.

This is before she went on her break. She's like, ugh, I've been on this boat for so long, and I haven't gotten a chance to dive off it yet into the water. I'm like, what? That's like a flight attendant being like, ugh, I've flown from Los Angeles to New York 20 times, and I still have not gotten a chance to skydive. Just because you're on a boat doesn't mean you get to go diving off of it.

What are you talking about? Stupid. She's like, the reason I came on this job was so I could swim. She's like, is there no community center in your town? They probably pay as well. Exactly. She's like, this is why I got into the industry,

so I can enjoy the water. Like, yeah, be a lifeguard then. Yeah, wrong industry. Get a tub. Like, yeah, be a lifeguard then. Yeah, wrong industry. Get a tub. Like, seriously. Shut up. And Rock is like, I need to swim. And she's like, Captain, may I go swimming on my break?

And he's like, sure, go ahead. That's in the rules. Ask for it. Well, yeah. I mean, when you're not just, like, blindly disobeying people just for the fun of it, you know? Like, they get off. Anybody who feels like they're in power gets off on you asking them permission. That's all you have to do.

Simple lesson, Rocky. Simple lesson. Simple lesson. By the way, we've gone. That proves that he's some kind of a drug addict. It's like, yeah, look at that butt. Oh, yeah, that's all I'm dreaming about. Rocky, butt.

Look at the butt. Look at the butt. Look at the butt. Oh, my God, it's so smooth. It's so nice. It's so smooth. I'm like, have you not But look at the butt. Look at the butt. Look at the butt. Oh, my God. It's so smooth. It's so nice. It's so smooth. I'm like, have you not heard the head that's on top of the butt? How could you be attracted to that crazy person?

Exactly. Exactly. And also, you know there's got to be something wrong with you when she is the thirstiest one on that ship. I mean, the whole thing that every move she makes on a meal when she had that espresso, she's like, do you want this? You want this warmed up, right? Because you want a want a hottie right you want a fresh hottie right yeah she's like you want me to grind these beans yeah i want these beans to be so deep in that filter that when the water goes over it and heats it up it starts leaking and it can't control itself until it's all full and he's like oh so

you're making coffee then poor rocky and rocky's like well you know emil left me alone in the hot tub and like i mean i mean look he's not gonna get get this because, like, he needs to try harder. And, you know, okay, I still want it. Okay, I still want it. I want it really bad. I want it bad. He doesn't get it. Like, he just doesn't get it.

I'm like, yes, he does. He's like the people with all those strays on their lawn, and they finally put up a fence with spikes on it. Okay? Consider Emil the spiked fence he gets it he doesn't want you giving birth to strays on his lawn what don't you understand darling don't feed the strays yeah i i do love the way emil just is not having any of it all right then well i'll see you later, Mule's basically a gigantic cock tease. He's like, well, I can't believe all these women are into me.

Maybe it's because you smile at them with your beautiful little model face and flirt with them. Stop. Well, it looks like next week they're going to get some action. Because then they shot a clip of him in the top bunk. He's like, I've fucked in a top bunk before. Ew. Wonderful. wonderful um there was also some uh there was also some major bombshell news which is that kate was talking to leon and asking about how he got started and he said that he used to work at mcdonald's and then his dad used to work in used to cook and this and that and then he was then he

worked in a cruise ship and kate's like this guy is clearly not a yachty cruise ships are walmart yachts are neiman marcus everyone knows that and then and then after then she tells him she's like thank you for sharing that information with me if you ever hear kate say that you know you're in deep shit i mean she's asking he's so like kate's a bitch but she's at least honest this guy isn't he's totally dishonest he's so shady and I like that she said yeah he's lazy he's the laziest person

I've ever seen you know and he is and he's such a liar when she told him chef do you know how to manipulate a conch and he's like a conch is like a woman gross I don't understand it but I'll try to manipulate it anyway she's like I'm not just a stupid conch and he's like a conch is like a woman uh gross i don't understand it but i'll try to manipulate it anyway she's like i'm not just a stupid conch and of course she figures out

immediately that he's lying and uh had frozen conch and then dean looks like a total idiot which i loved i loved when rich people i love when rich people act so above everybody and then they prove what idiots they are like when i was a waiter i would serve them the wrong wine on purpose if they were an asshole just to watch them go oh the blueberry floral bouquet and i'd be like bitch you know that that is like one step below franzia that we use for the sangria right oh you don't oh sorry rich person. Idiot. Yeah, mage idiot. I think it's funny that Leon says that you treat a conch like a woman because the next scene was him taking a hammer to the conch. Pretty much. And then just discarding it when he couldn't get it.

Yeah. And using some pot instead. Typical. Now, I'm not saying that it's easy to open up a conch, and I probably wouldn't do it so cleanly and easily my first time. But if you look at the videos on YouTube, it's not that bad. Apparently, all you do is you just create a little hole at the top of the shell by using another shell or, like, a sharp object. And it releases the suction that the conch is using to stay in there and then the conch just falls out so there leon knows how that's really bad she's like i cannot believe he

didn't know how to open a conch i mean conch you guys conch is a staple of the bahamian lifestyle because there is conch everywhere she's like you, I just am going through a lot of emotions because I keep on trying to talk to the conch and it keeps on hiding away in its shell. I'm like, conch, come out here and talk to me. But he doesn't want to talk. I feel left out. That conch would rather be eaten by another girl.

And that's fine. I would just like to be told first. Okay, y'all, I feel him. The conch is like, why are you listening at my shell? I was just trying to hear the ocean. I wasn't trying to be told first. Okay, y'all, I'm feeling. The conk is like, why are you listening at my shell? I was just trying to hear the ocean. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. And then you're talking about me inside your shell. The conk is like, I can hear your terrible $20 straw hair from here, lady.

I just want us to go back the way things used to be, conk. The conk is like, I will not come out of this shell until you change your plastic weave, okay? I just feel like I deserve an apology, Conk, for what you did to me. Conk is like Tinder. It doesn't really ever respond, no matter how hard you hit it.

Hey, Conk, why don't you call me out now? I mean mean i just feel so left out from this whole conk party you know what conks love i wouldn't know because one has never spoken back to me but i'm gonna go out on a limb of a tree and say that they like positive attitudes. I'm going to stick with that, okay, Conk? It's like, silence. Alright, then. I'll try again later, honey. Commitment ain't just a river in Egypt, y'all. Commitment.

Neither is denial. Hey, Conk, why don't we go to Egypt, Conk? Are y'all planning a trip to egypt without me with all y'all other conk friends saying such stupid things and you know that she was on like wikipedia or something before she came on this season she's like listen y'all this year i'm gonna be smart and i'm like no amy but congratulations on the bahamian yeah hey conk you want to get in this hot tub with me rocky's not and we just have some private and be smart. I'm like, no, Amy. But congratulations on the Bahamian. Hey, Conk,

you want to get in this hot tub with me? Rocky's not in it. We just have some private time alone. No? Oh, great. This is a staple of the Bahamian diet. It's also an actual staple in the Bahama. When people want to keep papers together, they conk them. Yeah, they take two conks and stick them right together. Then put the piece of paper

right in. You should see the legal files they have here in the Bahamas. It is huge, huge warehouses because the Kongs take up so much room. They try to introduce paperclips, but no. Oh, so, so fun. I love when they call this chef up. Dean's like, this ceviche is amazing. Ceviche. Ceviche.

Ceviche. Please call up the chef. And they do. And Leon's like this ceviche is amazing please call up ceviche ceviche please call up the chef and they do and leon's like ladies and gentlemen questions i'm like way to be a dick to serve up and then dean's like how did you do it and one of the one of the gay i love like also the young gays who hang out with the richer gay yeah he's obviously rich yeah and they're pretending they're rich too which are obviously not he's like how. And they're pretending they're rich too, which they're obviously not. And he's like, how did you manipulate the conk? How did you get so much conk out of that one? What a delight. What a circus on my tongue.

I'm like, shut up, you little creeps. Who are you kidding? I know. And then later on, later on, What's your process? And he's like, well well here's how I did it first I got the conch then I got a hammer and then I got a chisel

and I chiseled it and then I hammered it then I opened it with a crowbar and then I brought in a truck and I put one truck on the end of one conch and the other on the end and cracked it apart it came out it's set so then I talked to it and smoothed things over it's like he obviously does not know what he's doing

but the rich people don't know what they're doing either so they're like wow that's fascinating you really know what you're doing like you're all a bunch of posers yeah well what was even better was later when they wanted to know uh as we mentioned what what was in uh don's green sauce and and not don i mean leon's uh green sauce and i'm gonna say i do not want to know what's in don's green um but leon leon didn't want to give up the recipe he's like it's my it's my house it's bomb it's my it's my house sauce i don't give it out to anyone if he wants it he's gonna have to talk about employing me so kate's like you know these people are paying for a yacht. I think you can give a salad dressing recipe. I think it's okay.

So she goes up there and she's like, yeah, well, the green sauce features mint and basil and a little bit of tarragon and pine needles and golf course grass. She's like anything green she could think of. She's like, yes. And a Starbucks

straw is ground up in there Topped off with a little Kermit the Frog He's very talented back there And then Dean's like well I didn't taste the mint I'm like really but you tasted the toilet paper rolls And the fucking Bark of the tree Shut up Dean

Shut up But I love Kate Kate and Caroline should have a show together Where they're just so bitchy to everyone Dean. Shut up. Shut up. So, but I love Kate. I love her so much. But Kate and Caroline should have a show together where they're just so bitchy to everyone. Bitchy to stupid people. Slow. Well, basically Caroline would be bossing people around and Kate would be approving of the bossing. Caroline would be like, slower, slower.

And Kate would be like, when someone tells you to go slower, you go slow. Snotty. slower you go slow snotty so um the big the big drama the bigger drama of the episode was that when rocky did go on break as we mentioned and she dove into and she's swimming around don jumped in but he didn't ask for permission so captain lee was not happy about it and he's like yeah i did it i did it i saw that butt i saw that butt and i knew i had to jump in i'm like a dog after a bone i'm like you're a dog after a dog. Stop. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare give him Ramona voice. Don't you dare. Oh, sorry. Too soon. Too soon. Okay. I saw the buttocks out there and I jumped in.

Okay. Okay. They still comes swimming back to me. And next week is the hundredth episode of New York. You know that? Oh yeah. I'm excited about that. Oddly enough, like not even in their season what the hell how does that make any sense they're like three weeks after the real house i know new york ends we're gonna have their 100th

episode i know okay so um so then uh so lee so the point is this Don gets called into the captain's quarters. And Kate gives him good advice. Kate is like, listen, be humble. Just nod and say yes. And he's like, well, you know, what I want to say is, you know, I've been helping out these guys a lot. And she's like, no, you're not helping them out. It's your job. You are a deckhand first.

And then you also are an engineer second. But you are a deckhand. He's like, well, I've been helping them out. second but you are a deckhand he's like well i'm helping that no you are doing your job so he goes into there and does he listen to kate's advice absolutely not that guy's an idiot and that scene also started with the captain and alex p keaton sitting there and the captain is wearing like women's running shoes with no socks, which I just had to comment on because, wow. And then Alex is like, hi. Hi, Captain.

He's like, wow, we got a problem. Uh-oh. I bet I know what it is. Oh, wow. You know, it's rules. That's the problem. I know. He doesn't know how to follow rules.

Rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules, rules. And Rocky's like, rules. They're having this, like, rules circle jerk. And then up comes, rules. They're having this like rules circle jerk. And then up comes Don. He's like, what? What rules? Ah, you're welcome. I came up here.

You're welcome. You're welcome to have me. Yeah. So Captain Lee is like, listen, you have to follow protocol. You have to ask permission. And then Don starts talking back. And he's like, well, you know, I'm just a little confused about the situation. I don't understand. Because you know what? I think that what I was doing, you know, I've been helping out the guys a lot.

And I've been doing a lot of work here. And Captain Lee and Eddie are like, they can't even believe that this guy's even talking back. And the worst part, the part that was so shocking was then. Oh, don't even do that yet. Don't because we missed a good one in there. Don's like, you're not even my boss I have a boss That's what I was gonna say

That's what I was gonna say Oh I thought you were Gonna do the end part No no he goes He goes You know I have a real boss Downstairs I have to go to And I'm like

Are you I couldn't even believe You said that Eddie was the one Who was like But you realize That Captain Lee Is his boss

And I was like Wait no That's like Yeah How do you not How do you say to the captain, I have a real boss, and that boss is inferior.

Alex is like, hey, listen here, Mallory. Dad may have said yes, but mom is dad's boss, and she said no. Get it? Mallory's all just like having sex with some dumb motorcyclist just to get everybody back it's like have fun Don

so then Don this is by the way the equivalent of a slap on the wrist it wasn't anything it wasn't like a big thing Captain Lee wasn't even saying like next time you do this you're off you get a one way ticket off the boat he just was like don't do that as many people have gotten reprimanded before and Don's like you know I don't think

this is going to work out for me I think I'm going to put in my notice. I think I'm going to resign from my position. They're like, oh, okay. Well, see you later. See ya. See ya now. It's going to be real hard to replace you with someone else who doesn't know what they're doing and works out a lot and just wants to be on TV. Hmm, how are we going to do this? I know. Hey, call that idiot casting director and tell her

we need somebody completely unqualified that goes to the gym. Yeah. It's going to be real difficult, Don. Real difficult. I love that this guy, in an effort to prove that he does listen to rules and is a team player, that the moment that someone tells him no, that he quits. Poor, stupid Don. He's never going to make it like that in life.

That's not how you go through life. No one respects authority, but you pretend you do. Yeah. Come on, man. I can't imagine Rocky lasting much longer either because she didn't do the turndown service. She didn't close the blinds. She messed up the laundry. I like that Kate literally had to tell her, and remember to turn off the iron.

Thank you. Yeah, and she's like, oh, she just called to remind me to turn off the iron. Like, first she's calling me to tell me to turn it on. Now she's telling me to turn it on. What a bitch. Meanwhile, there's like smoke behind her as the iron is in the laundry. No kidding. Meanwhile, you just did a whole day of laundry without the iron turned on, you fucking nitwit.

That's why she's telling you. And then Amy. Well, you can't have someone who doesn't follow orders. One bad apple spoils the whole tree of maids. It's a dead maid tree. Nobody wants to sit under a dead maid tree. Am I right,

guys? Please stop talking. Please stop talking to the Kongs. They don't care. Hey, guys, am I right? We can't have any bad maids here. They're like, please just get out of our ocean. Oh, speaking of crazy things happening on Bravo, there is

a hummingbird that has been outside of my screen door now for what seems like 15 minutes. Just like flittering, like he's sucking on flowers, but he just keeps looking in the screen door. It must be my father telling me that he loves me oh which brings us to my big fab 40 so this show is the pits basically this episode was this

guy this show is more painful than turning 40 they don't even try to make it funny or outrageous it's just like oh let's look at um a wealthy neurotic but generally boring person throw themselves a party where a few things go slightly awry but not really and then that's it that's basically what happened yeah i felt bad because i was actually really excited i was like oh my god i see a lot of botox, a lot of queens. Like before I even start ripping anybody apart, I think I should, as I do often anyway, I think I should publicly say I am one of these people. I like a poor version, but I'm some 40 year old queen. Those are my friends.

We're all a bunch of bitchy, droopy gay people saying bitchy things that probably aren't even funny. But we laugh anyway because we say them in bitchy gay voice. So i am one of these people and it hurts me to have to attack my own like this but you guys like you made being 40 and gay seem like the worst thing ever to happen to anybody i mean first of all this guy threw himself a hunger games themed 40th birthday which was already ridiculous his whole story was that he um he had been married he'd had a kid and then he came out of the closet and now it's like he's making up for lost time by going around being like queen queen let's do this bitch oh she better come down it was like oh it was so you know the newly out of the closet gay is worse than like a born-again christian or um what what

else is really bad when you first come out that you're just too obnoxious to be around but we're like those you know when we miley cyrus learning about uh weed for the first time yeah i'm coming yeah it's like that uh he's like really excited to say bitch to people and like wear tight things he's like oh my god i'm mixing the gays and the straight this is gonna be nuts i'm like uh really because they all have nbc right because it's been going on for like decades now exactly exactly and he's like well what's good about a hungry games theme is that when everyone's dressed up you can't tell who's gay and who's straight or who's like in drag i was like well

first of all what straight people were at your party it's like your mom and your ex a lot of straight people from my office they've seen your Facebook then I'm sure it's fine I'm sure your Facebook isn't that much different also a Hunger Games party really you're gonna be all the rich people who were mean to the poor people it's like kind of a

mean theme when you're going for acceptance but whatever like one thing the people in the Hunger Games couldn't do was blend the districts you know it's just it seems like a bad omen i know it should have been called the thirsty games in this case it was way too thirsty but the uh the um uh it just was this guy was just so annoying the only dramas that happened were these moments of neuroses of of like oh my god i don't know if my hair is good is my hair good oh good it looks nice now like that was the most dramatic moment of the

show yeah it was kind of awkward to watch it because he in his mind is so fabulous but he's probably still exactly the same as he was before just like gay yeah he's like yeah and that's my ex-wife and like we were married and then like we had a problem because you know like we were going to therapy and then i went to private therapy and realized i was gay and but now we're friends because you know like she got over i was like well maybe she was mad about other things yeah the gay part yeah i have a feeling it has a little bit more to do with you being than you being gay like maybe she got sick of your mother trying to stab her during dinner yeah the big question during the whole show was that um what would happen when it came to the roasting part

of the birthday party would the straight people be offended would mom not be able to handle it which of course you know would be totally fine So it finally gets to be the roast. And it was like one stupid roast after the other. It was like, you know, the thing with Carmine is that he gets it up the butt sometimes. And everyone's like, oh. Yeah. They're like, hey, bitch. Where is that bitch?

Where is she? She's still getting ready. This bitch takes her time. Like, that's her thing. She's always a late bitch. I'm like, okay, Tamara, nice roast. He says nothing. They're like, hey, are you guys at the bottom of your glasses then?

Because you have a lot in common with him because he's the bottom. Yeah, they're like, oh, gay people. The only thing that Carmine cares about more than his hair are his shirts. And I was like, bitch. I hope no one's mad here because we're going to have to iron that out. Carmine loves ironing his shirt. Rocky's like, ugh. You can hear Rocky all the way from the other show, like, ugh.

Yeah, it was just like, here's an hour of watching someone put together a party where there's not really any stakes and nothing there's no novelty in it and there's nothing funny and there's no one being absurd it's just someone going to a party yeah i mean he actually seemed like a nice person and a good dad his daughter was super happy daughter was sweet very sweet the most interesting thing was like his mommy issue is which of course he's gay. He has like some drunk mom who's like giving barbs, you know, giving out barbs at the door, which, you know, that's my mom. And I liked his story of him, of his mom when he's like, well, his mom got offended. She's like, I don't think your daughter should be here because everybody's saying, where is that bitch?

And they're calling you she and she doesn't understand. He's like, mom, she'll be fine. And he's like mom she'll be fine and he's like I don't understand because I grew up with her and one time we were in Mexico and she was so drunk we had to get her a wheelchair and I'm like that's not going to judge you because I've told worse but

you're telling that story about your mom on national TV and also that really has nothing to do with your mom doing maybe sexually inappropriate things or things that your daughter can't really grasp yet those are kind of two different arguments but yeah the whole thing felt very narcissistic and uninteresting and i was it was torture i thought last week's episode was boring with the woman who just was waiting for the ring and then it didn't even happen. But at least we got to see

someone crushed at the end. I mean, that was totally worth it. This is literally nothing happened. This is just some guy who's like late everywhere. I was like, how is this even, like, how do people even hang out with this guy? He got to the flower shop or the cake shop or whatever shop, who cares? And his wife

was waiting and he comes in and the queen running the shop was like oh i've been sitting here with your lovely wife for half an hour and he's like oh my ex-wife you mean and then they all laugh like it's so fabulous except the shop owner i'm like yeah he wasn't making a comment on your sexuality because doesn't care he was making a comment on the fact that you just made him wait half an hour bitch Bitch. Yeah, exactly. Oh, rude. Yeah, I think we can finally wash our hands

of this show. I think this is the last MyFab 40th that we'll be watching. Yeah, but, you know, good luck MyFab 40th. I think it's a good idea. Just please get that original party planner for every episode and it'll be fun. Yeah, this show needs to be retooled and then it'll be

fierce. It'll be a fierce show. Serena. Yeah, I just... I mean, we watch a lot of dumb things on this and enjoy watching a lot of dumb things for this show. This show is so bad they're not even putting it on torrent sites. I mean, that's bad.

They only made episode one torrent ready or whatever like hackers don't even care about your show that's sad they'll watch anything okay yeah when it comes to like a party show like my fab 40th or my sweet 16 you either have to have crazy divas or crazy party planners but if you have neither and it's just like a touchy-feely you know moment of celebrating your life at 40 like you went through some really tough things like you were straight and then now you're gay and then your dad died it's honestly it's not compelling enough yeah i don't know this one's just sad to me because maybe it's because i just turned 40 on the day that this shit show premiered. Bad omen. But also,

no one's really like, I can't wait for the second half of my life. This is gonna be great. Everyone's like, oh, I'm 40. And then they're trying to force a smile. It's almost like, come to this party to celebrate me just fucking giving up and getting fat for the rest of my life.

Exactly. And you know, it's like, a show like this should be the comic tension of the show should be that these people are turning 40, but they're acting like they're 15. That should be the through line of this series, the irony of it. But instead, it's just people who are acting 40 and being 40 and not even like, I don't like that cake. Not even celebrating it that much yeah it's just like oh well it's not really up to my standards but that's okay

that i've given up because i'm 40 thing i don't like it like oh just give me a cake i don't even care yeah oh we ran out of food who cares mom just like watching a bunch of boring rich people yeah giving up giving up fighting not fighting fighting. It's reality TV, okay? Bravo. The day I celebrated giving up. No, I'm not giving up, you know? I want 40 to be like my 40. I want this show to be where everybody's like, I'm 40 and now I'm gonna do whatever the

F I want. This is my new life. I'm getting a couch desk and that's it. Now that's a show. Oh, well, speaking of that's a show, I think that's a show that's a show oh well speaking of that's a show I think that's a wrap on our episode today

very fun you can follow us on watchwhatcrappens.com well if you go to watchwhatcrappens.com you can follow us on social media which I think

Ryan and I would both appreciate and also facebook.com forward slash watchwhatcrappens where you can find all sorts of extra fun content. And then if you want even more content,

if you just want to support us, patreon.com forward slash watch what happens. It's been a great two hours. I think we're at... It's a fun time, Ben. I'm going to head over to Target now and shop around. You lucky duck. You lucky duck.

I'm going to fold my laundry and then I'm going to vacuum because it's going to be game night, board game night here at Casa Mandelker. I don't know. I'm excited. So, bye everyone.

Bye. Love you everybody. Thank you. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza Slicinger. Slicinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name Liza.

Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here, and it's funny. And I love you. To the insurance company that did me wrong. I've moved on and I'm happily insured with another.

Bless your peep-picking heart. It was just never meant to be betwixt us. You gave me automobile insurance apprehension. And Geico has come along and in just 15 minutes given me new car insurance and made me as jubilant as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval. That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another. Clara Mae in Columbia. Geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Happens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.