Watch What Crappens - #222: Just Call Brooks

Episode Date: September 22, 2015

Ben Mandelker (bsideblog, Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are live on Perisocope today to talk crap about Brook?s possible cancer on Real Housewives of Orange County before moving onto the victims over at Married to Medicine. The loudest crier wins! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part, Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com forward slash crappins. Again, you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crappins. Get over there and read some people, y'alls. Today's episode of Watch What Crappens Oh, a little bit of crappin' Who cares what happens when there's so watch what crappens podcast the podcast about all that

crap we'd love to talk about on bravo i'm ronnie carom from trash talk television and with me is ben mandelger from the b-side blog and the bantam blender podcast um hi everybody we're live on periscope what so yeah the big news of this podcast, this episode, is that I think for the second time ever, we are, while we are recording this episode, we also have our Periscope camera app, et cetera, going. So people are watching us live. So if we sound distracted at a certain point, it's because we are. It's because we're reading and looking at the hearts on Periscope. I know. We have 89 people around the world watching us.

Holler ballers. Hollers ballers. 89 people out of the however many billion are out here in the world. You can find out about such things on our Facebook page. Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. Come there and talk crap with other listeners

all throughout the week. Come to our live show threads and talk about the shows, etc. You can support this podcast on patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. That's where you get lots of extras like us, bonus episodes, ringtones. You get to know that you're taking care of two needy people. Yes, please take care of us. Think of us as your adorable street urchins up against the window pane. Yeah.

Please, can we have some more? We want our sugar mom. Well, we have two sugar mommas already. Hell yeah, Christy Doherty. And I think we may have some others down the line. We have a new one? Maybe. Maybe next week.

Well, those who already heard who they are at the beginning of the show, so don't need to repeat. Don't need to repeat, but they are sugar mamas, so if you want to be a sugar mama like those two fine ladies, y'all know what to do. So, what are we doing? What else do I have to say? Well, did you talk about Facebook? Patreon, Facebook, I talked about...

We started a Vine account. Yeah, Ben started us a Vine account. That's real fun. We just do a lot of Housewives things, but we're limited to six seconds. Yeah. So consider yourselves lucky. Vine. Yeah.

So that's been really fun so far. So everyone check us out. You just go to Vine and look up Watch What Crappens. Just like every single other thing that we promote on this page. And that's it. Sponsored media men. That's what they're saying on the Periscope. And you're doing it.

All right. Still can't let go of my Melbourne. Sorry, you insignificant ass, hey? Alright, so let's talk about the shows. Are we done? Wait, what else do I have to say? Twitter, shows. We talked about it. Facebook. We're touching knees. Also, that's

totally okay, but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable because, like, I get shaky because it's hard sitting down. Oh, you know what? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable because, like, I get shaky because it's hard sitting down. Oh, you know what? I don't know why. Well, my knee is touching you. Our knees are touching because we have to be in frame for Periscope. Yeah.

And the thing is, what's funny is that, so for people who are not watching this in Periscope, I'm looking at Ronnie as if I'm having a conversation, and Ronnie's looking at Periscope. Oh, I'm looking at you. Look. I know. This is funny because my eyeline is to your cheek and your eyeline is to this. I don't like it. You know, in real life,

it's harder for me to have a discussion because you have to look at people and it makes me uncomfortable. I like talking on the phone or like this where I can see you on a screen. Like we're together and I'm not uncomfortable. But if we had to look each other in the eyes and be like, oh, I'm listening to you.

I don't want to. I want to like look around the room. Lexi, I'm listening to you. I don't want to look around the room. Lexi, I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you looking into my eye. I know, I know. You're doing an indirect stare and I'm doing a direct stare. I know. It's awkward. I'm just going to look at your profile.

I know this is really exciting for everyone listening at home. I know. Talking about our periscope angles. But you know what else is exciting? What, Ben? Seguin! So the French say it, guys. Seguin. Say the French say it, guys. Seguin. I'll tell you what's exciting. It's being able to read magazines anywhere on your phone or tablet.

Isn't that exciting? Yes, especially when there's a screensaver. Yeah. Because the thing is this. Here's the thing about Ryan, and with me too, and with everyone who's listening. I would say actually every single person in the world, that your time is precious. And you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. But who has the time to sift through all the nonsense on the internet?

Am I right, prisoners? Who has the time? Right, guys. Well, they're busy too. They have a whole work schedule. You get an hour outside. I mean, what are you going to do? Listen, prisoners.

It's like butt rape time, you know? Listen, prisoners, in between being butt raped in prison, whip out your iPad. Yeah, learn. Whatever. Learn things. I'm not picking. You know what, prisoners? Instead of stalking people, why don't you get nextissue.com and read something about the world?

Because for those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, there's Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or your tablet. Iconic magazines like People, Vogue, S-Wire, Time, and more. Save you. Bon Appetit, I believe.

Bon Appetit. Bon Appetit. Men's Health. Men's Health. Fitness. Batman. wire time and more save you i believe men's health men's fitness fat man ew fat man and the wing thing i'm not i uh i'm not sure if dog fancy is on there but i'm sure is there a dog fancy yeah there's a magazine called dog fancy dogs have equal rights now that's right there the new yorkers on there if you want to feel educated. I'd be knowing them when I'm on the tour list. From Dog Fancy to the New Yorker. When I'm on the tour list, sometimes I fire up the New Yorker because I'm like, oh, this will be good. I'm going to learn a nugget of information that I can mention at my next cocktail party. Of course, I don't ever go to cocktail parties anymore, and I never remember the nuggets of information.

But, you know, it's fun. Just look at your iPad, Ben. Or your iPhone. Or your Android device. so here's the thing next issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for a richer reading experience and if you sign up for next issue right now you'll get immediate access to all the top magazines including including back issues and exclusive videos and photos you guys do you wonder what deborah gibson felt after she was fired from Celebrity Apprentice? No, but go on.

If you do, look for a back issue of something. Surely someone interviewed her. Someone did. Maybe there's like some thrifty nickels from a few years ago. You guys can ask her about it. By the way, Ronnie, did I tell you about the best part? No, I'm going to tell you about the best part, okay? Fine, you tell me then.

Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash crappins again you can try nextissue for free right now when you go to watch what crappins I mean nextissue.com slash crappins so uh should we talk about bravo

let's talk about some bravs let's talk about some real bravo shit open my notes on your email. Okay. Oh, you have your own. Only my marriage and medicine notes. Oh yeah, pull up some Real Housewives.

Vamp Ronnie, vamp, vamp. The Real Housewives of the OC. A little story about women. Not sure what age any of them are. With faces I don't understand. Welcome. Well, we can talk about the fact that last night's episode, this week's episode, started back at the Aries party. Aries!

Aries. Yeah, and it opened with Shannon. Whoa! Meghan King-Adwards. Went deep. Edmonds. Who went deep? She went deep. She went deep.

She went deep. She went deep. She went deep. I would never do that. Just like David's Who went deep? She went deep. She went deep. She went deep. She went deep. She went deep. I would never do that. Just like David's penis did into my former best friend. He went very deep. David. David.

How deep did you go? How deep is your love? And also last week. Consider the source. Consider the source. Let me tell you something. Don't unleash Tamar Barney onto Wikipedia because there are a lot of footnotes and there are a lot of sources to consider.

What? This is not all factual? You have to consider all these sources? I might have said that, but there were lots of asterisks next to it. Consider the source! Vitamin C offer from Housewives.

I don't even know what that note means. Vitamin C offer. Vitamin C offer from Housewives. I don't even know what that note means. You see how it's on the internet. Vitamin C offer. Vitamin C. Oh, the singer. No, I was thinking, no, when the show opened and they're all holding oranges, I was like, Brooks' Cure is right under everybody's nose. They're all holding oranges.

All that fucker needs to do is make some juice and boom, the cancer will be gone. Hello, chemo shmimo. It's called Orange Julius. Cancer hates oranges from Orange County. But it loves bread. It loves bread. Do you want to look at these two?

I don't understand your notes and if I try to read them I'll get confused. I would rather you steer and then I'll just react. It'll be confusing. I love a puzzle. Oh, well, here we go. This is recording, right? Did it stop? It's blinking.

All right, let me put this back. Because look, I'm recording it, but then I'm moving the phone. So nobody's hearing shit. You know that, right? I am aware. Okay. Here's the point. Welcome to Watch Our Crap, the most professional podcast on the internet.

Okay, so we open back at the party where Vicky, where Tamara is screaming, consider the source! And Vicky's just over it and following her around in her backpack. And by the way, you know, Tamara, she really pisses me off. Because first of all,

she's annoyed that anyone would think of her as a dubious, a dubious source, basically like, like her credibility. She's like, he's making me sound like I'm just going around talking shit. Like, yeah,

Tamara, that's what you do. That's what you always do. That's what you're known for. That's what, if you go to Wikipedia, your face has a big pile of shit under it. I know. Because that's all you talk about. She's in the kitchen saying,

Can you believe that? He says, consider the thirst batch. Like, I'm a shit talker. Like me. I'm a shit talker. And Eddie is, like, all full. His shirt's out. It's like the buttons are coming off because all he did was binge. He did, like, a stress binge eat during

that fight. Yeah, he ate rice. A lot of rice. He just looked like he wanted to burp. Yeah, I think he was eyeing that dragon. I think he was trying to eat that entire dragon up. And then Vicky following around Tamra in her fur going, you don't know what, Tamra? This just isn't normal behavior by anyone tonight.

No one's acting normal tonight. I don't know what's wrong with you guys. She's like, normal? Consider the sword? It's like, normal? Consider the source? Oh my god, you fucking ladies. As if I'm a shit talker. Heather. Okay, so then Heather comes in. To be fair, Tamara would be a really

good advocate for making sure the source magazine wins an award. Consider the source! Her ad campaign. Don't consider Vibe magazine. Consider the Source! Signed, Tamara Barney. Advocate for the Source.

I think Tamara would be a really good lawyer. She's like, bitch, why haven't I won a Source award yet? I'd like to call my first witness to the stand. Myself. Tamara, what did you see? I'd be like, bitch, you look good. I know, right? I the stand. Myself. Tamra, what did you see? Batch, you look good. I know, right?

I've got fitness. Cheap. I know. And the place is always empty, too. There's always plenty of room. Why are our floors so whooped? I guess I should have considered the sauce of where I got the lumber. I'd like to call Brooke's liar face used to be toothless to the stand.

Brooke, did you or did you not have cancer? Lies, bitch! I a bitch! My only problem with Jurassic World was that there wasn't a consider the saucosaurus. They should have turned that T-Rex

into a source, and then the big giant dinosaur, this multiple dinosaur, could have killed the source. And then you guys would know what I feel like. My favorite part of Jurassic World was when the kids were sitting there with their glasses that said Diva on them, and they saw their margaritas shaking when they considered the source a source while close. The worst part of Jurassic Park World of worlds was when they killed that nanny. Because Ryan can't take care of all those girls, bitch. It's hard.

Jurassic Park has ruined my relationship with my son. That's it, I said it, bitch. Bitch, I just gave that nanny a locket to say that all of our past is locked away, bitch. And then she went and got eaten by a bitch saw-ass bitch. Oh. Periscope. That's not normal behavior, but Eddie's all

fat, I will. Someone on Periscope says, I love how they do those. Makes no sense, but so funny. Wait till we start talking about the news. I blame the Tiago. My party rubble is the worst president we've ever had. That's it. By the way, I'm on the Tiago coffee today, which is why.

Tiago coffee makes all the difference. I'm on homebrew 365. It's called 365 bread. It's inexpensive every day of the year. I was like, whoa, I bought some Ziploc bags from this 365. They don't stay closed and everything leaks out of them. I think I'll get their coffee. Totally reliable. You should have considered the source, Ronnie.

Consider the source. Damn you, 365. Well, Brooks did have cancer, but it leaked out of a 365 Ziploc. What can I tell you? Blame the Ziplocs. Blame 365. Okay, so it's still Brooke. I wrote David terrified eyes. Because in the kitchen scene, there's just David like this. Dear, dear, dear, dear, yes, dear, yes, dear. She's like, David, David, why isn't Vicky out here cutting the cake?

It's our cake, David. David, Ronnie just injured himself on his coffee. David, I got a cake that was shaped like the Benihana's down the street, David. It's wrapped in actual wrapping paper that you can... No one's here. No one's here. Where is she? I just want to make an announcement to the party. If this cake doesn't taste good, I apologize, but I can no longer go into 35 of the bakeries in Orange County because that's where David took his mistress. Thank you very much. Apparently david's mistress eats gluten so while that just kills half the make reason town so heather finally sits down with her oh yeah they're wad of heather truth there's like

becky listen that's what everybody's saying this is this is i'm telling you what people are saying about you. And it's what we're all saying. And that's it. Okay? I'm not coming for you. I'm just telling you what everybody is saying about you. Because you need to know the best army is armed.

Because without arms, the army is just walking around getting shot by terrorists. Is that what you want, Vicky? And Vicky's like, well, no. I mean, no. Go ahead. Say what you're going to say. Heather's like well no i mean no i'll give it that way go ahead say what you're gonna say heather's like you know

yeah and there's like you know it's weird i was you know i was trying to remember where i knew this doctor from and i remembered he's someone i went to to get my cellulite off because like uh-huh and heather's like that's it i just saw a doctor get cellulite off no no heather was like no that's the doctor that brooks is going, which is actually hilarious. Brooks is going to Heather's cellulite doctor. Well, you know, cellulite affects lots of women across the country, and if you ask them what they thought of cellulite, they'd probably

compare it to cancer, so it makes sense to me. Yeah, you know, they both sort of word C, letter C, and you know, you both want to get rid of them. You want to get rid of them both, so it's pretty cancerous. Call it fitness. Call it fitness. Oh, Brooks. So Brooks is proving that he doesn't have...

Wait. Brooks is proving that he has cancer by going to a cellulite doctor. I don't know. He... And how come no one else knows about the cellulite doctor in Orange County? Yeah, and how come no one knows about this reverse... By the way, I love how no one can say it. Is it called reverse-a-trawl?

Reverse-a-trawl? Reverse-a-trawl? Reverse-a-trawl? But everyone says it differently. Like, oh, the reverend. The reverend. The reverend Al. The reverend Al.

The reverend Al doesn't even look at cancer. He's a preacher. He's a preacher in the streets. Kelly Benson comes in. Shut up, Al Sharpton. I'm not crazy. She ruined me by calling me crazy. That's Real Housewives of New York, though.

Skipping. Skipping. Alright, so back, Revestrol. Okay, so Revestrol I know about because I was trying to buy it a few years ago, not because of the cancer, because, I mean, I wouldn't know if I had cancer. I don't go to the doctor. But because of, what was it for? I think either depression or fat

loss or something. So it fixes, oh, so basically it fixes? I think either depression or fat loss or something. So it fixes, oh, so basically it fixes everything. It's like Windex. It's like the Windex of medicine. It's like the magic ingredient in wine that, like, it doesn't make you drunk because that's alcohol. I don't know. It's something in wine. But then they have it in large parts and supposedly it makes you younger, which, I mean, this is Rivestrol right here.

Didn't work. Maybe I don't have cancer, though. I don't think I have cancer, so thanks, Rivestrol. By the way, Didn't work. Maybe I don't have cancer, though. I don't think I have cancer, so thanks, revestrol. By the way, did you hear about the guy who hiked up the price of AIDS pills? Yes, a lot. Is one guy who did that or a whole corporation? I mean, this guy, he bought the rights to this drug,

and he raised it from $13.20 per pill to $750 per pill. Consider the swiss. Consider the swiss. You know what AIDS costs? Nothing. It's free. I mean, that's the big thing here. Alright, so as if I'm a shit talker, Heather.

I bet your boyfriend's a liar and that's it. I mean, I don't even know. Who's talking? Why are they talking? Who's doing it? I don't know. What's a cellulite doctor's name? I'm going to go there and get my cellulite read. I need a psychic.

I just want to say, as a macro note, this episode was all about all the women trying different methods of getting Vicky to, like, for them to say, we think that Brooks is faking it. Because first, Megan, of course, has no tact. Megan's like, you're faking it. You're faking it because first megan of course has no tact megan's like you're faking it you're faking it because knowledge and then i bought brooks a gift so that he'll feel better it's a coffee cup that said i'm the best faker of everything in the world yeah

by the way i loved whoever posted on our facebook page um a picture of quote unquote megan's van parked in the parking lot as a picture of the scooby-doo van on a request for knowledge justice and justice in the american way um but then uh so first megan tries in her ham-handed way and then heather does her thing i never eat ham how dare you if my hands were made out of ham i would never bite my nails i'm dedicated okay so then uh so then heather tries with her way of being like listen i'm not doubting you but what i'm saying is that brooks is going to a cellulite guy so if you want to say something now now would be a good time to say something you know yeah if you're gonna say something say it to my ass which no longer has cellulite yeah until i get

pregnant again, which will probably never happen, but next year I'm getting a fake baby shipped to me in a box anyway so we can try it out. Okay. Because it's a storyline. I just... Okay, Vicky. To make you feel more comfortable about talking about this, I've decided to build a new room for you in my mall house.

So we can go there if you wish. Listen, you don't have to live in my house. Brooks' cancer don't have to live in my house. Brooks' cancer doesn't have to live in my house. But there is a room for cancer shoes. So if Brooks ever does come to my house, his cancer can take off his shoes and put it in the spare room. Okay.

We actually built in a chemo wing. So if Brooks wants to get back up at the chemo, he can come to our house. He can go, you know. And I think he'll feel comfortable because my husband's a plastic surgeon. There will be no cancer or cellulite in my house. It's a chemo, it's a method chemo-wise.

It's not real chemo. We can't say it's real chemo. So we call it a method chemo-wise. Butay. Chemo butay method with Joss. With Joss. And you know, Terry knows how to do cellulite also. So Brooke should feel very comfortable.

Let me see. I'm sorry. Now I'm looking back at notes like, oh, it's over. It's hinky. Come on flying. At that point, Vicky. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the thing.

Heather was like, every piece of information... She always has these little crab claws when she talks. Every piece of information is Hinky. I don't know. She's saying this. She's saying this. Together they're Hinky.

Hinky. It's like two Pac-Mans fighting. It's like two Pac-Mans fighting over Blinky. But his name is Hinky. And Hinky's dead. Hinky. It's like two Pac-Mans fighting. It's like two Pac-Mans fighting over Blinky, but his name is Hinky. And Hinky's dead. Hinky. It's Hinky. When you write down the word Hinky, yes, that could be said by Heather, but most likely it's Shannon. That's Hinky.

That's all I'm saying, Dr. Moon. Dr. Moon, I feel Hinky. At this point, Shannon was just concerned because the Aries party, it was our party. That's what we first bonded over. When we first met, we both were Aries, and this the Aries party, it was our party. That's what we first bonded over. When we first met, we both were Aries. And this is, you know, it's our clique. When we first met, we bonded over, you know, being Aries and wearing skin-tight dresses with floppy boobs at the same time.

I mean, who does that at the same party? And being deeply, deeply miserable. No bra pride. And that's how we bonded. That's right. I'm turning into Chief Wiggum now with Shannon. Ah, well, we've got a crime here. Everybody look around the block.

That's it. I'll be sitting here with my donut. It's a hinky donut. Hinky donut. Pretty much. Pretty much. David? Pretty much.

David. It's pretty much, right? It's all Chief Wiggum in the end. It's all. Mystery solved. The end of cereal. Bling. Bling.

Bling. Well, I put her in the front because she looks cold. She needs somewhere to lie down. That's all. Mystery solved. The end of cereal. Bling, bling, bling. Well, I put her in the front because she looked cold. She needed somewhere to lie down. I just forgot her there. Sorry, my bad. Bling, bling, David. Why did you go to Best Buy?

I thought I was the best. Who's better, me or the buy? Are you telling me you're the best bisexual on the block, David? Because that's not something to be proud of when you're a married man, David. David, I'd like you to write a letter to Best Buy and apologize for using their telephone booth without paying. David, you will not use any disappeared telephone booths. I want a list of all the telephone booths that you used with your mistress that are no longer around and in evidence. David.

David. David, did you take Hayman Lee to a gastropub? David. Terry asking Brooks about drinking. Oh, yeah. There was a scene at a party where Terry's like, so, you having a drink tonight? Brooks is like, oh, what did I do to him? Oh, because I wasn't writing it.

That's why. I deleted. No, no, no. But it wasn't an editable document, so I went back and told him. Anyway, Terry is like, so, Brooks, you drinking tonight? Brooks is like, well, I'm not tonight. You know, tonight brooks is like well i mean not tonight you know tonight i'm not drinking i'm not having a drink tonight cancer's not thirsty tonight well but you have been drinking well you know not on chemo because you can't drink on k i mean after

came out you can have a little bit here and there i mean not not here i mean these women are more aggressive than my transfer my cancer treatments you know you know you know i already had about three glasses of wine earlier after the chemo, so, you know, I think I'm set for the evening. I'm not calling it a drink. I'm calling it medication from now on. It's Revestrol. Right? That's what I had. I had

Cancer Fixins. That's what I had. If I had a bar, I'd call it Cancer Fixins right now. Only sick people could drink. That's right. That's right. And the onion rings would be made of Revestrol. Hopefully, they'll be good tippers. And Terry's like, oh, get some of those onion rings. No, you won't.

Not at my party. Here's what I'm saying. It's hinky, okay? Onion rings are hinky. When you're moving your hands like this, it's really hard to grab an onion ring, Terry. That's what I'm saying. I just need you to listen to me, Terry.

I'm just telling you that when you to listen to me, Terry. I'm just telling you that when you talk with little crab claws, you can make a more effective point. That's all. I started doing this when Colette learned to talk. It's like a chip clip for a child's mouth. Just quiet, Colette. Quiet. One thing I always noticed was that Sebastian in Little Mermaid always seemed to get everyone's attention. I realized it's because he talks with his claws. So I'm telling you as a friend

it's hinky that you don't use little claws to talk with. So they're telling him, well, we need records. Well, now this week everybody's new thing is like, well, just bring records. Well, now this week, everybody's new thing is like, well, just bring records. Well, no, this, okay, so this is the recurring theme. Everyone said this.

Heather said it, Tamara said it, and Shannon said it, and it was actually really fucked up. They're like, you know, the best way to shut, you know, oh, God, oh, God. Quiet. 203, someone's calling.

Someone cut us off. No, hit the decline, hit the decline. A phone call came through, I just cut us off no hit the decline hit the decline the phone call came through and it bumped us off yeah effing phone call you know call people on your own time so what's this next part Shannon cutting the cake this party is for Vicky as well

oh yeah yeah we're at the bottom of my notes now nice try notes I was making a point about what these women were doing they kept on saying um uh they're like listen vicky just you know everyone's talking about it and it's just not working anymore not not commenting on it like you know you could just shut everyone up if you just showed everyone the documents as if they were powerless against their own gossiping they're acting like well if

you don't show us the doc if you don't show us anything we're just gonna keep talking about it and making your life hell like we're sorry but we're just going to it's like no you can actually just stop talking about it you can make a decision to stop gossiping about it and just assume that brooks is lying and just move on yeah but it's brooks i know i know i would keep talking about it for sure yeah i'm not i'm not begrudging them but i think it's Brooks. I know. I would keep talking about it, for sure. I'm not begrudging them, but I think it's funny that they act as if they're powerless, as if there's some force in the universe where the whole

world is saying, like, oh, Brooks is... The New York Times called me. What am I going to tell the New York Times? Nothing? No! They're basically blackmailing Vicky at this point, which is hilarious. Yeah. And also, evidence is a huge part of Real Housewives of Orange County. Huge, okay?

Don't forget Alexis's emails. Or any of the other proof. This show is big on proof. You have a Diet Coke named David. Did you or did you not? I saw it in your trash can. Tell me the truth. Are you sleeping with my husband?

It's like, oh, Jesus. It's not evidence. It's a Coke can. Calm down. Real Housewives in your trash can. Tell me the truth. Are you sleeping with my husband? It's like, oh, Jesus. It's not evidence. It's a coke can. Calm down. Real Housewives of Orange County telling. So then, after, so Vicky, at this point, Vicky leaves. Yeah, but Vicky's argument is hilarious. She's like, this is disgusting. Really?

They're accusing your man of having cancer, which is kind of grosser. And she's like, you know what everybody needs to do? Everybody just needs to be quiet because it's disgusting, quite frankly. This is disgusting disgusting you know what all brooks has to do is nothing that's what he has to do you're so picky you're not helping anything by the way that's the best thing that brooks can do in life as in like of his of his skill set doing nothing is his it's the top thing he could do i've been doing it for years ask any of my children i know how to do nothing i know how to do nothing practice makes perfect roses are red violets are blue i'm not doing anything how about you roses are red blue i'm not doing nothing so you figure out the rest

of the run roses are red violets are blue you look pretty in fur. You paid the rent, right? Grows of red, violets of blue. I got cancer. Pour me a glass of wine. Thank you. Anyway. He's a terrible poet. Terrible poet. K-Mo's coming in a box now. It's called Frenzy. There once

was a man from Nantucket, and he got cancer, so please respect him. So screw it. Okay. So Monster... You'll give them records and then what are they going to ask for after the records? Then they're going to ask you to watch the chemo session.

Then after they watch the chemo session then they're going to ask for tickets to the cancer cell reproduction. I mean, what does it end? What does it end? Start with the evidence. And if it keeps going out to the evidence, then be mad. But you can't be like not showing anybody every, any evidence ever while you're bringing this on TV as a storyline and then

act all surprised when no one believes your stupid husband. I agree in general, it's no one's business, but it is very strange that Brooks did not go and see Shannon's two world-class cancer doctors. It's strange that he's been drinking. World-class doctors. Of course, we know how Shannon's world-class doctors are, Dr. Moon, okay? He is a galactic. He is a former moon. Dr. Moon is like, look, this is Booger I pulled out from nurse who is from the Orient.

Eat. Oh, it's delicious. I feel so positive. Oh, they're back. They're back. Listen, the doctors are from City of Hope, so I believe. I believe that if they're not world class, they're at least like decent. Well, someone sent us an email.

Did you see that email on the Watch What Crack It Is? No, I did not. Someone, we can read it if you want. Well, no. It's the zone. But someone sent us an email who supposedly, and I say supposedly, no offense email person, but you know. Yeah.

This ain't Radar Online, okay? Source. But somebody sent us an email and said that they used to work for this doctor who Shannon is supposedly suggesting the Brooks go to, and that it's not a cancer doctor, and that she's some fame whore who's just wanted to get on real housewives for years. And this was just Shannon trying to get her friend on TV and she's mad because I don't know. She's mad because she didn't get her friend on TV because Brooks wouldn't go

to the doc. I mean, that's how fucked up these shows are. Okay. So according to this email and not me, cause I don't know anything, but according to this email, this doctor is not a cancer doctor. And she's trying to get on TV. And Shannon's mad that she didn't get her friend on TV. I know I just repeated myself. But that needs to be said two times.

Especially if it's false information. Because Howie's supposed to spread the false information if you don't say it twice. Well, that is definitely crazy. That's true. I mean, I don't know. It was crazy. I was going to do research. And then I was like, internet, hard. I wish I had a friend who knew justice.

Well, either way, still things don't add up with Brooks. And the whole situation is strange. So what happens is that Vicky just leaves the party before she even cuts the cake. Oh, this is gross. This is disgusting. Your cake is celebrating disgusting. So then, naturally, there's only one thing left to do, which is for all the four women to gather in the living room

and have a discussion. And this is where Megan drops another box. Three to four, Megan immediately. What is she doing? She's like, Vicky left. You know what? I told Vicky. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's like, Vicky says that she never asked for your help. You know what? Yeah. Justice. You know what Vicky just said? Headband. vicky oh yeah oh yeah she's like she's like vicky says that she never asked for her help you know what yeah yeah just do what vicky just said headband by the way megan is the biggest she is the biggest it's not even just just her she's just like a tattletale like anything you tell her anything you tell her she goes and tells someone else i remember she got mad about about bali for uh megan saying that she's a shitster or whatever she said that she and tamra shitsters and megan's like i'm just telling the truth no it's no it's justice

i'm using the bullhorn okay to stir things you need like a wooden spoon i'm not stirring it i'm bullhorning it you know what justice had banned she's like so she says yeah uh vicky said she never asked for your help and megan's like, well, that's patently untrue. David, David, David, did you hear this? David, David, where are you? She didn't ask for my help, but she sure asked me for my help. I'll tell you that much. Maybe she didn't ask me to help her, but she sure asked me to help her.

And that's my story. And that's it. I start charities. I start helps. I start cancer prevention. You know, there was never a section on websites that you could contact for help and tell me I started help. You think it was easy to call Time Warner before? No. Didn't get them on the phone. Let me tell you something. Before me, it was called RAC, as in rarely asked questions. And then I came along and they became frequently asked questions. Thank you. You're welcome.

Really rarely asked questions. Rarely asked questions. Like, where do I find... Rack. How do I contact you? How do I get to this part of the website? Do you offer these services? I got sick of David going to websites and asking him where the rack was.

So I changed the name. I said, how do I... I start Frequently Asked Questions. I start facts. Vicki, welcome to the Frequently Asked Questions I start facts Vicki, welcome to the Frequently Asked Questions formerly rack Now, cancer, yes or no? It used to be that someone would only ask David

once a month but now I ask him about three times a minute David So Shannon tells them well I was on the phone when he got his diagnosis and I spent the entire next day on the phone, which for Shannon is a huge deal. Yeah. So I was in the car.

I had to make Siri dial people for me. Do you know how hard that was? I had children in the car, David. David? David? So the funny part of this to me was that Shannon was like, wait, hold on. I just had it. Damn it. Tamara, chemo doesn't cure on. I just had it. Damn it.

Tamara chemo doesn't cure cancer 30% of the time. Oh yeah. They, they cut back to Vicky's bullshit. Okay. So now, now there's no a montage of Vicky's bullshit where Vicky saying, Oh,

well, you know, I've been to his cancer treatments. Then they cut to Vicky like, Oh, you know, I haven't been, I've been to the chemo.

And then they cut to Vicky like, well, you know, we were putting gas in the car one time. It like what do you what have you been to and what happened you so she's lying but the interesting thing here is that shannon's looking at it now uh well if brooks has cancer vicky's no dum-dum and vicky is not 30 so she knows and she would notice that and she would say something so if he he has cancer, she knows about it. I'm like, whoa. So now as much as he's lying about cancer,

it's that Vicky is lying for him. Which, I mean, we already all know. But for Shannon to get there and to say it on TV, them's fighting words now. What do you think? Megan's going to stand up for you in the next fight against Vicky? Not going to happen. You better be nice.

But Megan, I'm sorry, Shannon, though. My sister all paid up. Who knows? They all have rags on their hands. I'll just be friends, though. My sister all paid up. Who knows? They all have rags on their heads. I'll just be friends with everybody. Just send them over. But Shannon, though, will not say that she thinks Brooks is lying. But she is, what she's doing is she's circling around.

She's like, well, that's a big statement. It's a big statement to say that Brooks is lying. I mean, I would never say that Brooks is lying about his cancer. That's one thing you'll never hear me say is that Brooks is lying about his cancer. That's one thing you'll never hear me say is that Brooks is lying about his cancer. I mean, no. When you say that Brooks is lying about his cancer, that you're saying, then you're also saying that Brooks is lying about,

Brooks is lying about his cancer. Is that right? I just hope that Vicky is able to produce the proof because the last thing that the world needs to think is that Brooks is lying about his cancer that he doesn't have, or so people would say. You should have to show your cancer results to vote.

That's my opinion. It's the country. Okay, Mega and Hella. Okay, Mega and Hella. Oh, hello and Hella, welcome to my store. I don't know why I loved Hella. Yeah, she was funny.

She was like Anna Plum from Barefoot Contessa. She's like, hello, welcome to the Hella store. She's like, so, oh, Hailey's going to prom. Didn't Haley just go to a prom? Haley just went to a winter formal where she was a brat.

But now it's time for prom. So Megan, Megan's taking Haley to the prom because Megan has realized that being a quote unquote stern stepmother isn't working. So she's just going to try to be friends with her. She's like, well, yeah, because I was trying to be Haley's mom. And like, I was doing her homework and giving her $100 and like telling her stuff. And she didn't like that. So now I'm just giving her $100 and not telling her stuff.

It's working out great. Yeah, it's great also because this way I don't have to do all her stock market homework, which is really hard because I didn't see anything about stockings in there. Now all I do is her English homework. We're friends. That's what friends do. Girlfriends. Yeah, really connecting. Now all I do is her English homework. We're friends. Friends do. Girlfriends. Yeah.

Really connecting. So, of course, Megan uses this opportunity to bond with her daughter that's not an opportunity to bond with her daughter at all, but to bond with Brooks' non-cancer. It's like, so, Haley, it's so cool to be, like, your friend now instead of your mom. So what kind of treatment is your mom getting for her cancer? Oh, really? Brooks isn't doing that. Why isn't Brooks doing that? What's the treatment again? said if you're a mom so what kind of treatment is your mom getting for her cancer oh really brooks isn't doing that where's brooks doing that what's the treatment again what is it it's like oh my well but to be fair though i mean just shop she does have somewhat of a point which is that she is seeing all the things that leanne is doing and how leanne is like doing whatever

she can and so then she sees and then she sees bro's bullshitting. And so, I mean, I'm not going to take that from Megan. She's like a dog with a bone, you know? But she needs to shut up. I give Dillard those rawhide things and he chews them all day. It's like every time you turn around, it's like slurp, slurp. He's slurping and licking on something. The neighbors will probably think I'm jerking off all day long, you know? And it's him just licking on this fucking bone.

And finally he swallows it. And then I have to wait four days for him to poop. And then it's like the most painful thing ever for him. You know, that's how I feel about you, Megan. All right. You're like a raw.

She's made her point. She needs to just shut up. And unless Brooke starts, you know, if there's some sort of thing, like let's get, let's get donate money for Brooks, Brooks's treatment.

Then you can maybe raise objections. But until then it's time for her to shut up. Although, I know, realistically, of course she's not going to, and neither would I, because it's so juicy. And also Megan. And also Megan. She's like, Haley's my friend now. You can tell because I got her blonde hair. Now we're friends!

When I went to the prom, I had the craziest thing. I, like, got a school bus and collected money and made a spreadsheet. And they're for knowledge. I had a spreadsheet of all the different people at prom and whether they were wearing ruffles or not. What are you going to do for your prom? Hanley's like, blow someone, hopefully.

Yeah, well, that too. Megan's like, well, I know we wanted to get a limousine, but I felt like a school bus is better because schools are like knowledge, you know? Also, like, we're in Orange County, so, like, it's important that we put as much pollution into the air as we possibly can on your way to prom because we own this country! One percent! Fart on the world! We're friends. You're blonde.

Tamara and Vicky. Okay, so this show, you can tell these bitches have been on this show for 90 years because they just have this huge screaming fight where tamra's just screams consider the source for 20 hours and and vicky walks around all tired going uh he has cancer just leave him alone just let him be and then the very next day or whatever in housewives time tamra's like okay i'm sorry what i said but he has menopause sorry what i know they're just all calm on the couch knitting tamra makes it all about her here you have a gang of women who are you know ganging up essentially on brooks

and saying he doesn't have real cancer which he probably does not have cancer but either way it's still a bunch of women going after this guy and then he says something about consider the source which is actually a very valid thing to say and tamers make it seem like she just had her entire life smeared this is a woman who went on to reunion and and told the world that gretchen was having an affair on her dying husband and the guy was calling me told this whole story whether it was true or not she went out she tells this whole crazy story and then Brooke says well consider the source she's like I can't believe he would say that I'm about to be

baptized and then Vicky's trying to like at least make a scene she's like well you know I mean what are you saying what is this a game of telephone a game of teletamera it's like oh jesus talk about never being able to get out of your contract oh my god i would love to play a game of teletamera okay um we're gonna take the children to the park shelter and we're fucked in a park by a stranger who lied about cancer. Bitch. It's like, hmm. You know what Becky told me? She told me she wants to take her kids to the park and I'm da-na-na-na-na.

Can't believe it. Bitch. Becky called the park fat. She told me I'm in confidence, but it is so crazy, I feel like I have to tell everyone. Because I feel like I just have to vent it out. I'm sorry. Becky's cheating on the park with the other park. That just what i heard that consider the source um so you should not condone oh vicky's argument is look if you're my friend

you wouldn't condone a 30 year old calling a doctor okay like what does her age have to do with calling the doctor like it would have been better if she was old like look if someone is going through menopause and they're real hot and they call the doctor and say they have cancer. I understand. When I first got hot, I called the doctor and asked to pay cancer too. It's normal. But a 30 year old, don't do it. You're not my friend.

But Vicky's staying so calm. It's really hilarious because I don't know where this has come from. It is like that whole season. Was it last year? Or this year before? There was a whole season where Vicky was like really eerily calm the whole year. Yeah. She was like, well, you know, everyone's mean to me. Woo-hoo. Yeah. I said it.

Woo-hoo. Yeah, I'm surprised she has not screamed more this season. I think she's probably exhausted. Woo. That's all I have to say. Not even a hoo i uh i think that she's just probably exhausted and worn down by just not every single yeah like you know every time i watch a movie about cancer i cry and i feel so bad for those women well you know i wonder what they would feel like if they were watching a movie about me you know how hard not having cancer is

this is really stressful. It would have been easier if he just had cancer. I mean, go to the doctor. There's instructions for that. I can't even go into my kitchen and stare at my Caliente sign and smile anymore. The joy is gone. I don't feel Caliente. Vicky's like,

you know, there's such a thing as medical privacy. You know what HIPAA is? Like, Vickyicky that does not really apply here your boyfriend's you're outlying okay yeah and by the way that's concerning I believe medical professionals like a nurse or a doctor isn't allowed to be like oh this is so and so's medical jobs but I think a private citizen not that they're public but a but a person is allowed to share their medical records yeah it's okay she's crazy and tamra's like look all i'm telling you about is if she shows medical

records then people will be quiet vicky's like what do you want him to die does he have to die no just show the records why does it have to switch to him dying it's either murder brooks with cancer or pull out the trapper keeper from out out from under your bed. Which is it, Vicky? She's like, well, I'm not going to show you his private book. Is it his private book or your Trapper Keeper full of colored folder icons? Shut up, Vicky. Get your eyes straight, Vicky. Shut up.

You're all stupid. That's Vicky. Yes, they're stupid. They're stupid. That's all. I'm going to say. Okay, I'm sick of talking about cancer. I'm sick of talking about non-cancer.

Hello, dear. Oh, God. So this is Shannon complaining to David to david oh yeah he was doing the tip how is any husband in orange county thin because whenever these bitches start yammering the men are binging on something david was just like yes dear yes dear oh yes it was a great party dear i thought aries was a great theme for a party dear he was great no I don't know why Vicky left early. That's too bad, because that cake would have been perfect for you and Vicky, dear. Yes, dear, I love your cake. No, dear, I did not go to the bakery that you told me not to go to ever again. No, dear, I didn't see the baker I used to bone.

Yes, dear. And Shanna's getting very savvy already with these shows, or on this show, about these shows. But she's already ready with her new... I'm really glad you landed on the proper preposition. Stuck it! She is already ready to flip stories around, and I love it. She's like, well, David, you know, I just happen to be

in here with a slow cooker, because if you don't wait for something for 20 hours while you're staring at it, waiting for it to bubble, then it's just not tasty, is it, David? David, you know Vicky Vicky did ask me for help from my assumption when I spoke she phrased it in a way it's like she found out Brooks had cancer and called me and I made the assumption from the tone of her voice that she was asking for my help but apparently she was like she's already figuring out how to

like rewrite the story so she doesn't look like a total liar because Vicky probably did not technically ask for her help. Vicky doesn't really do that. They probably don't even remember. It probably was a whole conversation and one of them proposed it and neither of them remembered who proposed it first because it was, like, not

essential to be taking notes about that in their mind, you know? And Shannon's talking to, she's going off about all this so she's not in trouble and if you, like, this is all going to be taking notes about that in your mind you know uh and shannon's talking to she's going off about all this so she's not in trouble and if you like this is all going to be aired so she'll get out of it at the reunion when vicky starts yelling at her or whatever and you know you have to hand it to shannon because she is kind of an expert on fake illnesses that bitch is at the doctor 10 times a week getting like fucking giraffe like eyeball fluid injected into her spine for nothing, for negative thoughts, okay?

Like if anyone knows about a fake disease with Shannon, don't argue with the pro. Dr. Moon, I need more giraffe eyeball fluid. I'm having 60 to 70 negative thoughts a day and it's way too high for my limit. Dr. Moon, I just saw someone wipe that elephant's trunk off. Why were they not saving that? Save it.

Dr. Moon, I really did not appreciate all the talk of cancer at my Aries party. It's the wrong sign. Can you please put some giraffe food in me before I have too many negative thoughts? I brought you some fireball. It's a fireball of knowledge. So, whatever. Vicky and Tamara's calm conversation. Vicky's like, shut it down!

So, Tamara, since she's already set the entire world on fire, it's like, okay, I've got to cut fitness, bitch. So she goes into cut fitness with Megan, which is empty, shocker. It's always empty in there. Is that like in a real place? This is what it sounds like. Academy is a new scripted podcast

that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society

that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less, and a little bit more. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on Februaryary 5th or you can listen early and ad

free on wondery plus starting january 29th join wondery plus on the wondery app or on apple podcasts you could actually hear you can hear ghosts or like in an office, you can hear that buzz. You have to... The fluorescent lights are going... Just give them a minute. They take a minute to warm up, Batch. Look out for the warped floor, bitches. Shut up, bitch buzz. These floors are warped over here because

the wood is warped, and these are over here because there are moles on the floor. I was pushing them up. Moles. So they go in to cut cut fitness and she's like you know what sometimes but it's just best to drop it megan's like wow you know what that's something judge judy has never said she probably wouldn't even have a show like what if people went on judge judy and she was just like drop it the end there would be no justice tamra's like who cares vicky's the star of the show so just like do it

but like what if what if I peed on your leg and it was raining couldn't she like sure I peed but you can't be mad at me for saying it's raining also

she would be that technical objectivity she'd be like i never said it was raining objection objection i said it was misty i've seen law and order objection done done object done done on excuse me judge judy you can't bang your gavel without a done done things aren't adding up i'm no dummy okay uh cut fitness empty as usual in 90 days oh and megan's like okay i'll drop it but in 90 days you know he's gonna come out and say that he's totally healed and that it was the revesterol okay mark my words she's sure enough i don't know when this was shot but uh someone posted on our our old Facebook today an article from Yahoo.

You know, Yahoo, really radar on Yahoo line. Stop it. Stop it with your investigative not reporting. They're like, Yahoo, breaking news. Consider the source. Yeah. Consider the source. Consider the source.

Yahoo's new headline is going to be, consider the source. Yahoo had this story and it was like brooks i brooks air is not lying about cancer and so you click on it it's like we asked brook if he had cancer and he said no people are lying about it thanks yahoo great great reporting there buddy but he did say yeah he said no no he said yes i have cancer but people are lying about it and he's like but i don't have my lesions now and And I also don't have, you know, cancer nail or whatever. Like whatever other side effects or whatever. But he's like, I'm getting better.

There are no signs of it anymore. So that's good. We're on our way. Go Francia. He's so shady. Yeah, he's the worst. I just love those stories. Because I think I mentioned this last

week, but there was one that I was laughing at last week that someone posted that was like ladies caught lying about Brooks's cancer or whatever. So, of course, it's like Radar Online. So I click on it and then like sit through 20 pop-up ads or whatever and then reinstall ad blocker. Anyway, that was the whole thing.

So I go on and it's like a source says that oh it wasn't radar online that wasn't cool it was some private blogger anyway there was no evidence there were like a source said that people are lying about it and that brooks really does it i was like so vicky left you a freaking email and that's your that's your story come on i mean i know it's housewives but like make some kind of effort yeah Yeah, I agree. What are you, going to vote for some 30-year-old on a blog? Really? A 30-year-old on a blog?

Miss 30-year-old. So then we go to Mastro's, where Terry... Mastro's is, like, gorgeous, nice restaurant that is the biggest fame horn in the world, okay? What the hell, Mastro's? That's the place where Shannon's kids were like, go to Mastro's. What are we even doing here? Yeah, exactly. Mastro's is the only place...

Mastro's and Chili's are like the only place that have like opened up shooting for the housewives. Well, I was going to say, it's also like the fanciest restaurant in Orange County. I know, but don't you think it's weird that they're, well, we have a Mastro's here too. I just think it's weird that they're kind of fame whorey in there. Of course, it's not weird after I spent, you know,

a night up at the upper bar in Mastro's. Yikes! Well, here's the thing with Mastro's. Old man in the fame holes with funny faces. He loves them. So, what I thought was funny is that the waiter is dressed the nines. He's got like a full-on, like, tuxedo.

With a white blazer, bow tie, fully like, you look like he's at a white tablecloth restaurant, you know? And then everyone else there has got like, you know, collar open, no tie or whatever. And I don't have a problem with that, but there's a disconnect. Either the people are schmucks and they're not dressed properly, or the restaurant is pretentious. The restaurant's pretentious, yeah.

I actually think in this case, it's the restaurant. Who the hell, you know? Like, I mean, it looked like, the waiter looked like he was out of Mad Men. It was so over-the-top formal. Yeah. Who the hell needs to be dressed like that to wait a fucking table, okay? You're like running around all day carrying shit around in a three-piece polyester. By the way, they're polyester.

My friend worked there. Polyester fucking three-piece suit. Yeah. That's not cute. It's not good service unless they're in pain. It looked like he was going to serve them kia or something you know it's like very old school and he's very um real housewives waiter too he's like hello welcome welcome to mastros isn't it a gorgeous night here look how gorgeous the night is here master it's like would

you really think you're gonna get discovered in your three-piece polyester suit on The Real Housewives? Sit down. Give me some water. How about that waiter person? Heather's like, oh, Alfredo, so good to see you again. I didn't know you worked at Mastro's also. Anyway, you know what I'll have. No, that was a white guy. She's like, is Alfredo here? She doesn't even, at this point. Why did Alfredo get turned into a busboy? What's happening with the world? I would talk about this, but I have something very important to discuss with Terry. Clawhands.

We're going to get some fish. By the way, if you're not watching us on Periscope, you're missing us. Do you are, Heather? Clawhands. We'll have a Diet Coke and some method champanois, please. Collette. Parietal.

Thank you. What I am telling you is that I would like a Diet Coke because I've been working on the house for so long that I need some more caffeine before I work on the house some more. That's what I'm telling you.

Look at that waiter in his three-piece suit sweating. You know what would make him sweat? Building a house. That's hard. Okay, that's work. Shut up, Heather. Yeah. Like, it's so hard.

I just wish Terry understood what it was like spending $900 million of his money to build a mall. Like, why doesn't anybody understand my stress? Do you know how hard it is to fit a Clairson between a hot dog, a hot dog on a stick and a Sbarro? I don't even know how to spell Sbarro. Alfredo! Do you know how hard it is to go onto Pinterest

and choose things for three rooms every five days? I'm working hard. It would take less time if I actually flew to the Amazon, okay, and bought this shit. I'm working hard. It would take less time if I actually flew to the Amazon, okay? Pointing and clicking is harder than it sounds, okay? Do you know how hard it is, Terry, to figure out which things on Amazon are Amazon Prime and which are Amazon Prime one day? Come on.

The bed and the cabinets originally fit Colette's body perfectly, but now she's grown. I'm having to have the cabinets rebuilt so she'll fit in them. It's like builders don't understand puberty, Terry. The marble headboard isn't ready yet, Terry. The marble headboard. Oh, if only.

Earthquake. I'd pray for an earthquake every day. Oh, the ding dong, the witch is dead under a marble headboard that she built herself. So yeah, she's talking about. She's talking about. So basically, Heather is like, I'm going to dinner with Terry because, you know, Terry understood. I told him, Terry, we never see each other.

And then, you know, it's like he understood how silent his life had gotten. And he agreed to have a dinner for me to bitch at him for an hour. Jesus, you wonder why he's ignoring your calls. He's got you on blocked. Yeah. So Heather's big thing was that for one of the rooms, she's like, remember the room I was talking about with the tree

I wanted to put in it? And Tara's like, uh-huh. I had my mom sketch, I sketched something with my mom, and we're gonna put it in a big picture window in front of the house. It's gonna be a tree. And then every bird represents our kids. The tree! She's like, do you like it? And Tara's like,

uh... The drawing of the tree was literally Colette's drawing of a tree. With her piss as she stood over it, okay? It was terrible. It barely looked like a tree. And a tree is like the easiest thing you can, you know, draw. She's like, do you like my tree? a tree is like the easiest thing you can you know draw yeah she's

like do you like my tree and he's like oh but if those are the kids oh that's great terry all my hard work no i don't want to talk about it i don't want to talk about it she's all mad as if like he's turning down van gogh's could like us up some family portrait made by van gogh she's like no i don't want to talk about i don't want to talk about oh so i'm not an artist now look i've seen a lot of your artwork walking around the streets of Orange County that I don't approve of, but you don't hear me saying that at Mass Drive's on camera, Terry! All I know is that this is a very good drawing of a tree. Look, I've got a bird for the twins, two birds for the twins, one for the older one, one for Colette,

one for Reba McIntyre, and one for Lily Tomlin. All right? On top of the tree, those are the cabinets where Colette sleeps, okay? That's why she's not a little bird on the tree. Here is a bird gauge. This is where we're keeping Colette. The rest of them are just hanging around on a

tree, pooping all over the floors, and then there's a nanny who comes by every half an hour and sweeps it up. It's an amazing piece of glass, Terry. What do you appreciate me? Terry, I want to draw this tree, so we can later erase the tree and build a new house on the tree. A new house on the tree. This is just a tree. It's the beginning.

Soon there will be houses on the branches. Children's houses. There will be little cabinets where we store all of the children. It'll be like one of those things Christians have before Christmas. Just open up a new little door every day and a little piece of colette falls out. And a little baby mansion comes out. So stupid. Like, this is completely stupid.

Let's do it for another 45 minutes. So anyway, so Terry thought it was like garbage. And then she gets real pissy and he's like oh yes dear i thought she's like i just wanted you to be excited about it i'm working so hard on this house he's like yeah i um i have people's lives in my hands well kind of well i mean once they're under and once they are under the knife yeah he's like i have people's sex lives and self-respect in my hands or i don't have time to worry about this. I like when he said, since when does having an opinion, you know, mean that I'm turning against my wife? I'm like, uh, the day you got married.

Are you just figuring this out? Have you never met a wife before? Hello? I'm a gay dude. I know this. Yeah. I was raised by a wife. Yeah.

And a couple of maids as well. All right. I can run your entire household mall man yeah so then we had a little interstitial uh vicky and brooks um they were where are we oh geez okay well when they went to hella the doctor okay hella is all over this episode one minute she's selling justice headbands to hayley and now now she's like, welcome to Earthing. I'm like, is this bitch in every scene? To be fair,

this was Lenka. Lenka. Lenka. Oh, I'm Lenka. Yeah, Lenka. So Lenka, Lenka, the bigger con artist than Brooks, because she's probably getting paid

$100 per session to tell people, yes, you have to have your feet on the Earth because you are going to absorb all the minerals and nutrients and energy of Mother Earth from Gaia. You're it all on the lawn that was like sprayed with pesticides yeah so kind of not working that tingly feeling is actually the dog poop and why is like seeing some kind of somebody to help you with your health okay on tv as long as it's like for earth on your

feet and not for cancer i mean what the hell vicky's likeicky's like, oh, this is going to make us feel, you know, I don't like grass though. Do I have to lay down? She's like, yes, this is what you do. You lie down on the grass for the earth. She's like, oh God, this is horrible. This grass doesn't work. You know, it doesn't work.

It doesn't have a jab. I don't know if I can respect this grass. I'm going to call my mom and ask her about earthing. Man, oh God, I forgot. So earthing. She's like, do I have to give birth here? Why are you making me spread my legs on the line? This is just like when I gave birth to the first one. So, she's like, do I have to give birth here? Why are you making me spread my legs on the line? This is just like when I gave birth to the first one. Jeez.

So, uh, then we got to look at Ryan's new home. Oh, Ryan. Okay. Ryan is now on like season 37 of Sons of Anarchy. Okay.

Ryan, how do you get older with every episode? This episode, his eyes were in the back of his head and his eyeballs were out to here and his beard was out to here and he almost, like his hand is already forming this formation so he'll be ready to carry a tin cup soon.

Yeah. To shake around in front of the Salvation Army or whatever. He... From the HEB Christmas time or what have you. And the, so they tamra shows him this perfectly nice uh home and he's complaining well this is i don't know if i like these floors i don't know he's i guess used to work floors at this point from cut fitness and working there he's like these floors are even they're too even they're too nice mom i didn't trip on my way to the bathroom what kind of house is this and he's just complaining and they keep cutting to eddie

and he's like eddie's like got a steady stream of fruity pebbles coming in through his IV. I know he's like, give me a bowl of rice, please. And then the kid's like, can we have breakfast, please?

And I was like, no, we have like a nine hour drive. He's like, you know, you could have had breakfast, but you spent all that time playing with your toys and talking, complaining like,

Oh, well, it looks like this family is off to a great start. Oh my God. How much did Ryan complain? And he's like, this women, you know, these women don't understand what it looks like this family is off to a great start oh my god how much did ryan complain and he's like these women you know these women don't understand what it's like to drive nine hours we have to drive nine hours and now these women are hungry do you understand what it's like driving nine hours no you don't you don't know what it's like i'm the one who has to drive for nine hours nine hours i have to drive okay we have to leave here we have

to nice paint mom now we have to drive for nine hours. I'm like, what is with you and driving? What the hell is so hard about driving? You sit there. Why is that so hard? It's like, ooh, nine hours! Driving! I help! You know what? How about this? Why don't you splurge a little bit? Send the wife and the daughters down

on a plane and then you do the driving alone. That way you don't have to worry about their schedules. I know it's expensive, but put up or shut up, put up or shut up, put up or shut up. Or how about this? How about you don't move? How about that? How about that? How about that? How about you stay in Northern California? How about that? Yeah. Apparently they have Instagram there. Yeah. I mean, what else do you need Brian? And you don't have to drive. Yeah.

Yeah. He's ridiculous, but I mean, what are you going to do? I don't know. it's hard to feel bad for somebody who married who well he's not getting married that was the other part of the discussion oh yeah he's dating someone with like three kids then knocked her up and had his own and then she's like but are you gonna get married and he's like oh it's a lot i don't know it's a lot of work it's a lot of driving because i have to drive to the church it's like four kids it's like yeah yeah that was like it's not like that's a surprise it's not like she sprung brooklyn on you i actually it's like you knew that she had four kids you met her off instagram okay so she has a job right i mean marry her what the hell are you ever going to do with your life

she's way out of this league yeah she is right she seems i mean she seems smart and she's really pretty and she married a loser because she had three kids. That's what you do, right? Thank God I can't have children and I'm littered across... She knows how to fire a gun, too, by the way.

She does? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, she should. No, because last season I think she talked about how she had her own gun. Don't get in the way of her.

So, anyway... Excuse me, I'm burping. I'm burping. Brian, if you don't marry her, it's going to be really awkward when you beat her. Because you're not supposed to beat your girlfriend. I mean, that's for committed couples. Brian, have I taught you nothing? Bitch!

So then, crossover time, Heather went up to Beverly Hills, where she had lunch at Crestation. Crestation's also a fame whore restaurant, by the way. Heather, you know, Heather makes me crazy, but I have to give Heather credit for something. I know it's going to be shocking, and no, it's not going to be Malibu country. I'm really impressed with Heather because she's skinny, but she's skinny for a reason.

That bitch orders shrimp, okay? At the first restaurant, they had a shrimp cocktail that was smoking. Oh, look at this. There'sog. There's fog on my cocktail. She had some shrimp cocktail that I don't even think she ever ate because she was so disappointed that her artwork didn't go over well. It looked too much like the tree. I can't eat this. Reminds me of the tree that's going to be rejected. So she went to Crustacean and she met with Lisa Rinna. Lisa Rinna. Lisa Rinna. Nothing says desperation like driving to Orange County to be on TV. No, no, no, no, no. No.

They were in Beverly Hills. Oh, never mind. I take it back. Lisa Rinna is not desperate. Well, I was going to say, driving to Orange County, I was like, girl. And by the way, even if she were desperate, she'd be the first one to joke about it. She even made a joke about the diaper again. I drove to Orange County.

I did that. It's crazy. I drove to Orange County. I did that. It's crazy. I went to Orange County to be on TV. Girl, we put in a lot of time. We put in a lot of time in those chairs at the auditions. That's for sure, girl. I did a diaper commercial. You know what? I did a diaper. Oh, girl. Oh my God. I'm eating shrimp, which affects me weird.

Thank God I have diapers at home. Lifetime supply. I got a rash. I got a rash on me right now. Crazy. But what I won't do to be on camera, I'll eat the shrimp and get a rash. Someone call me an ambulance. Oh, my God. Look at this one.

I like when Heather was like, Lisa Rinna and I met at acting class 90 years ago. And she's like, I specifically chose crustacean so that way i could do my crab hands and fit in we met at a red lobster audition she was there when i came up with this i was just trying to order water it came from the method class i was playing a crab and she was playing a flounder we were doing little mermaid again we were running lines outside and i was saying a flounder. We were doing Little Mermaid again. We were running lines outside, and I was saying, God, this class is hard. Method acting's really difficult.

I wish there was just, like, champs named Method. One day, right? One day. And Lisa Minn is like, dreams, dreams, dreams. I'm doing your crab now also. We would just walk around acting class like this. Hollywood. Claw hands. Claw hands all over Hollywood.

It was crazy. Claw hands. I wonder, can the people at home hear the sound of the claw hands? I think so. Wait, let's be quiet for a second. We're getting too close. You can hear it. Marlee Matlin's like, finally.

Oh, wait, she can't hear. She could watch us in Periscope. Marlee, if you're watching us in Periscope, we didn't make a Marley Matlin joke. We're probably like saying like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like if you're blind or like deaf or whatever. Squid hands.

Someone on Periscope says they're squid hands. Squid hands. Look at these hands. Squid hands would be like jazz hands. These are called ham hands. So anyway, this is kind of a silly scene. I thought there was going to be something better about it.

We just took out of the same auditions. Like, we wouldn't audition for the same roles. But, I mean, like, she would, she was, like, we'd sit there next to the folding, we'd sit on the folding chairs together at auditions. She would be, you know, putting on lip gloss, and I would be learning actual lines because, you know. You know. We're different.

You don't get to Malibu country by putting on lip gloss reba requires a brain okay that's why she can sing and act she's probably a dancer too in her spare time i don't know i don't know and to get your gun didn't require dancing so i know lisa's like so i did it was just a stupid it was basically it was basically just a scene of she was like i want your advice i have what we should do on the home shopping network when we launch our skincare line which heather doesn't need advice it was just her being saying hey i'm launching the skincare line yeah it's like i'm an actor and actors are taught not to do that and lisa's like yeah well i've sold diapers so So I already did it. It feels fine.

We do different things on TV. You know, you would go on TV. You couldn't just piss yourself. I had to. It was part of the product. You don't want advice from me. Can I have some of that shrimp? You can eat that.

So then we get to the final scene of the episode, which is Shannon's's awkward oh my god never have i seen a table and thought god damn that looks naked without a tablecloth until this episode but shannon was like i don't even know like a torture victim from saw she was like sitting there on the table like she actually it was actually hilarious i'm gonna have to cut off my leg figure out a puzzle i mean what happening here? What kind of place is this? So they're at like Maggiano's Little Italy or something like that. But I meant the best part.

Peter Piper Pizza. First we see an exterior of the restaurant. And this was, I didn't even notice this until I went back and recorded the thing for our Vine channel. Because I did, I actually did a little Vine thing from the scene. So first you see the restaurant. And then all you hear is Shannonannon's voice and she goes is that fresh water they're like yes we just had alfredo walking in from a lake yeah okay and then uh and then it cuts to shannon and the waiter's giving her a menu and the waiter walks away and the most

hilarious thing happens they just hold on shannon for eight. I know, because I recorded it. Eight seconds, she's just sitting there staring off into space. Awkward. Thinking about the sadness in her life. She's just looking around like showing her bare legs under the table. It was just so awkward. She was just hunched over and feeling alone at the table and self-conscious.

Vicky's like, hey, here I am on my lunch break from my job, because I work. I, you know, here I am on my lunch break from my jab because I work, you know, so I don't know. Should I order you a jab? Are you hungry? Maybe would you like a jab? Should I order that for you? Vicky's just like exhausted. She's like, geez, are we going to talk about

cancer again? She just learned she just learned she had to give away 60% of her earnings to the IRS. Meanwhile, it was clearly like Brooks on the phone like, oh, hello, this is all. This is schmucks bears to the IRS. Meanwhile, it was clearly like Brooks on the phone like, hello, this is Schmucks Bears from the IRS and I'm calling to let you know that you owe

$120,000. You can put it into a PayPal account. It's called BrooksAirsIRS at gmail.com. Thank you very much. We will only accept payments that are hand-delivered to us in cash by a man with brand new teeth that look like a toilet lid. Our recommendation, you know, I don't know if you know about this, but the IRS has actually a discount.

So usually the way it works is you give the money to your significant other, and then you have him deliver it to us. And just take it on faith that he brought it to us. Thank you. Evidence isn't required unless you just don't love him. All right. Vicki, Shannon, you did ask for my help. Vicki's like, why would I ask for your help? You're not an ecologist.

Actually, I have too much energy. She's like, I didn't ask for your help. You're not an ecologist. What are you going to solve cancer? What are you going to cure cancer? Mom, what do you think? Mom! It's like, Vicki't ask for your help. What are you going to solve cancer? What are you going to cure cancer? Mom, what do you think? It's like, Vicky, we get it. Okay.

Your mom does not, your mom being dead does not make your husband have cancer. Right. Well, here's the thing. What I loved is Vicky, Vicky is now at this point battered down. She has this issue. You know, she's got, she's got tax issues. Everyone's coming at her about brooks you know her mom did just die you know i'm not gonna take that away from her it's like my new

phrase i'm not gonna take that away from her but i'm not she said i haven't had even had time to grieve or whatever and then and then megan's like well i know you i'm shen's like i know you don't want to talk about this and then vicky's like okay so we're gonna talk about this though aren't we because well it's like well you know vicky it's like, okay, so we're going to talk about this, though, aren't we? And I'm like, well, you know, Vicky, it's like, you know, things are just not adding up. So we're really going to talk about this. I just said I don't want to talk about it.

Now you're talking about it. I'm having such a bad day and you're going to make it worse. Well, it could get better if you just release the medical records. I mean, I'm just saying. Why should I? Oh, just, well, you know what? Maybe he'll die, and then I'll put him on my wall, and then every time

you guys come over for a drink, he can lean on the wall, and then you can apologize to the wall for not believing you. I did. I did feel bad for Vicky, because Vicky was like, please, I don't want to talk about this. And Megan's like, and I don't want to talk about it either. But David was telling me that someone in his mistress wanted to talk about it and Megan's like and I don't want to talk about it either but David was telling me that

someone in his mistress wanted to talk about it. Shannon's relentless and I love that Shannon's like well having negative thoughts and feeling sad doesn't mean you can't talk. I mean I feel like that all day long. David listens. David David. David was right here wasn't he? Did you see David here? Did he

come with me? David. Is David at a bar drinking sake? He never used to drink sake before Brooks got cancer. When you're having negative thoughts, roll through your brain like thoughts in a dryer. That's when you talk, Vicky. That's when you talk. What friends are for? Oh, God. It was actually painful to watch

because it was painful to see Shannon keep poking at her, Miss 30-year-old. She kept poking and poking and poking. So I thought it was painful because on the one hand, you could see this was going, it's like, Shannon, you keep saying you're her friend. Like, just shut up already.

Well, someone just wrote us on, well, not just, like an hour ago. Keep poking, Miss 30-year-old. Someone wrote that Shannon and Vicky are no longer speaking, which makes sense because you can tell from these testimonials. I'm sorry, I'm still in rent-a-old. Someone wrote that Shannon and Vicky are no longer speaking, which makes sense because you can tell from these testimonials. I'm sorry, I'm still in rent-a-mode in these whatever. Interviews? Diary room.

Diary room sessions. You can tell that they're not really friends. Because Vicky's like, well, well, Shannon has set a new law. Shannon has gone lower than anybody else. Okay? How low can you go?

Ask Shannon. She know. She's low. She's on the ground. She's crawling under the stick. What kind of party is that? That's cheating. She's on her hands and knees crawling under a stick.

That's how low. You know what? Limbo sticks, they don't work. They don't work. Limbo. A conga line, that's work. That's real line. But a limbo stick, that's not worth it. What does a stick do?

It just sits there. Someone has to hold the stick. And what a terrible song. I prefer tequila. That's real life. But a limbo stick, that's not worth it. What does a stick do? It just sits there. Someone has to hold the stick. And what a terrible song. I prefer tequila. Yeah. You know. I wish there was a song about wine so I could just play it for Brooks until he's cured. Let's whoop it up.

You know what? When you're in a limbo stick, you're down there. You're not whooping it up. You're down. You're whooping it down. You gotta whoop it up. Limbo is where you're stuck before you go to heaven. Mom!

Okay, so next week, Brooks is like, hey, everybody. I got my cancer results. They were done in a Photoshop document and color coded. So when I get rid of cancer, I can change the color of it from terror alert orange to green. You're all good to go. Shannon's like, I don't understand. This is a gift certificate from Applebee's. This is one of those kids menus from that Luciano's place we were just at. Why am I supposed to draw

a pirate? How does this prove you don't have cancer? Brooks, you didn't even get through the maze. Your line just stopped halfway through. Brooks, you can't. This is not even a proper word scramble. X-V-T-U is not a word. The only thing your cancer treatment has in common with this child's menu is the unfinished maze.

It's an unfinished maze. You never got through it, did you? What your cancer needs is a steady crayon to see it through. Brooks, you know, I know you want us to connect the dots, but you can't even connect the dots. There are three or four dots there you didn't even draw a line to. Is this a frog or just a big blur of dots? I don't know because you didn't finish it. It's supposed to be a boot

and you drew a smiley face. You didn't even touch the dots. You drew the line right in between the dots, right around. It's like you intentionally avoided the dots. You've turned boots

into flip-flops. Well, congratulations on just ruining everybody's dinner. I don't want to sit here with somebody with flip-flops. How disgusting. Brooks,

you have a responsibility. Now, do you want the grilled cheese or the chicken wings? Vicky, I will offer your man help on how to connect dots on children's menus. I didn't ask for your help. What do you want, dot connector? I don't need you. You're a professional. Have a job.

You know, I offered him two different books as a duoku, and he took the children's menu instead. You're not respecting that. You're not respecting that. Well, disrespect. What a perfect way to end a Housewives episode. So that was that.

Oh, Vicky, darling. So what I'm looking for is... Oh, we're going to have some double notes now, being you've got notes, I've got notes. Oh, yeah. Double pull. Can you pull mine? I can't. I have to have you to mine up for you. We'll just do mine. We'll just do mine. Oh, yeah. Double pull. Can you pull mine? I can't. I have to have you to mine up for you.

You son of a cocksmith. We'll just do my notes for marriage and medicine. What is a cocksmith? Is that a real thing, or am I making that up? It's someone who makes cocks out of metal. Ah. I'm here to pick up David's cock. Is it ready?

So. I've had it forged from pennies. Mostly pennies. They're, oh. Because my family's the one with the money. So, actually, wait. We can do double notes. we can do double notes. We can do double notes. We can double notes. No, we can't.

Darling, I have so many apps open. Look at this. While Ronnie figures out his notes. Am I going to go somewhere? There's a map. There's a Twitter. There's a Vine. Well, while Ronnie looks for his notes on his phone, we can talk about next week on Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm excited because, we just

talked about it, that Brooks is like, well, here's my medical chart. And then they cut to Megan being like, I called his doctor and his doctor doesn't even do PET scan. That's what it is because Brooks says, here's my PET scan. And then Megan goes, I called, they don't even do PET scans.

So it's like, Megan's so annoying. I hate how nosy she is. She's so awful. And yet at the same time, I'm like, oh my God, I can't wait. But it's so funny. It's like, you have no evidence. And he's like, well, yes, I do. Here it is. It's on the back of a child's menu.

And she's like, I called the restaurant. They don't even have children's menus at Mastro's. Oh, geez. It's like the perfect combination of a con artist and someone with way too much time on their hands yeah i like it i think if it was anybody else i mean i would be horrified but if it was anybody else they would have just been like you stupid anorexic man-faced bitch here's my cancer results okay i have fucking cancer do you feel stupid now but But no. He's like, well, I drew something. No Brooks.

You know that like if Megan were a listener of Watcher Craftmans, we would love her because she'd be the one that'd be posting on our Facebook page. Like, well, I did some research and this is what I found. I'd be like, oh my God. And we talked about it on the podcast. Well,

maybe she is. Maybe she's our source. You never know. Maybe she's deep throat. So is my nickname in high school. Megan, if you want to send any knowledge our way, we will accept it. Don't put your name on it.

You're wise to keep your name off of it. I know we're very nasty about you, but we're nasty to everyone. We're just shady. Two shady motherfuckers. And if someone said, you're mean to us, we'd be like, oh my God, we're sorry. We don't mean it. Here's our evidence. Here's my evidence that you're mean.

Okay, so. Married to medicine. Married. So let's move on to merit to medicine season finale this is the well it's almost our last episode we have two probably two reunion shows to go through so if you don't watch this show regularly and you just started watching this week it was a weird opening because it opened with lisa marie crying to somebody else's husband or lisa nicole crying to somebody else's husband about cheating on her. Because they had some couples thing last week where they had to be each

other's spouse. And the episode opens this week with Lisa Nicole like, But I just wish I could trust you. Because without trust, it's just me in a store worried about hangers. It's like, well, who are you talking about? This doesn't make any sense. Darren, meanwhile, sitting off to the side,

being like, I wonder if I'm sitting on a seashell. Darren's all pulling his pants up higher. His mom... His acid-wash mom jeans up higher. So then Toya is the next one to go in this group therapy session. And so she gets up there and she says, well, you know, Eugene,

it's like, I feel like we fight a lot in front of the kids and the kids start to cry and I feel like we don't have to cry so much. What I should have did is not get into a fight with Eugene and get into an ambulance instead. What I need you to do for us in the heart is

we fight in front of the kids. I don't want my kids thinking it's okay to talk to your wife like that. It's like, what are you talking about? How many things did you ask for in this segment? She's like, Eugene, can I have a pool? He's like, no. I don't like when we fight in front of the kids. Stop asking for pools

then, bitch. It won't be a fight. Don't ask for a pool at your rental property, okay? That's a really bad use of money. Yeah. Michael Jordan's ex-wife would not appreciate that, okay, when she's ex-wife would not appreciate that. When she comes back, she takes that money back over. Yeah, exactly. So the best part is that Toya is saying,

like, oh, Eugene, I don't like you. You're really ugly and everything. And then when she sits down, everyone's like, well, actually, Toya, you're the one who is. No, Eugene did that. Eugene broke the rules. But everyone was supporting him. I know, butugene broke the rules but everyone was supporting him i know but eugene broke the rules because this is supposed to be other husbands talking to the

wives and everybody did it i mean even darren who was just like you know who could have stood up and said no i did not blow somebody in a bar or whatever uh nobody spoke but then eugene after she was done she's like oh jesus beat the beat and cried and so she sat done, she's like, Eugene, it's me, it's me. And cried. And so she sat back down and he's like, Toya, you have to understand, you're difficult. You're awful. Your friends know you're awful. He's right. It's difficult to be your friend.

And it's even harder to be your husband. It sucks. You've gained 500 pounds since we started this show. You think that's because I like to eat? No, it's because I'm protecting myself against your horrible, horrible use of words. Yeah. Well, nobody should see a diet because of that.

I know. I've seen you do it because I put all that camera footage from behind the cookie jar in slow-mo. Cookie cam. It's like watching a close-up of a St. Bernard running towards a train. No, the only problem with cookie cam is that I put the camera in the cookie and Eugene ate it. Cookie cam.

Currently, I'm looking at your colon. When are you going to pass the camera already? Why are you eating rawhides? So then everyone starts to hash things out. And Heavenly's husband, Damon, and John sort of have a very mature moment. And then I love how John, he's like, you know, I'll be the first to admit that I hold grudges. It's like, oh, really?

Really? Thank you for saying that. I'm a grudge holder. He is a nice person. We happen to have a fight. And just because he's obese and an awful doctor does not mean that I have the right. I'm like, whoa, whoa, calm down there. Husband.

It's like, you're not making up at all. Exactly. And then Damon's like, listen, I'm sorry. He's like, if I,

if I did something that made someone feel some way that I didn't intend, I'll apologize for it. I have no problem with that at all. This is all the time. Yeah. But it's like, wait, so you're saying that if you say something and it comes out wrong and it hurts someone's feelings that you'll apologize to them?

I don't know if that flies on Bravo. I'm sorry. That's a little too, like, mature. This is why there are no shows about men. Get the hell off my screen. And then Heavenly's like, well, you're disrespectful to your man. You're disrespectful to your man, for you're disrespectful to your man. Can I tell you something?

Last week, I drove by someone trying to start their car, and it sounded exactly like Heavenly's lap. I can't even do it. It's like the Leah Black laugh. Yeah, it's Leah Black when the car is trying to start in the winter with a bad belt winter with a frozen belt i can't do it i have to do my i have to do warm-ups before these shows come on i know we learned vocal warm-ups together in acting class 97 years ago so here's what i've got to say

pre-days so here's what i've got to say about this group therapy session everyone's weighing in on these theories. Darren is saying, you know, I think that what we need to do is we need to be thinking about this and that, and everyone's saying all this stuff. Everyone is weighing in.

And the one person did not weigh in quad's husband. And he's the only one who's actually qualified to weigh in. He's the only one who actually has a degree in psychiatry. And what's he doing? He just sits there. He's married to quad there is no greater way to invalidate yourself as a therapist than marrying quad okay i get that like he's in a long term talk about married to medicine yeah jesus he's in a long-term case study i think he's just sitting there taking notes like i'm sorry i can't focus on the group shit like i

this is part of my yeah i'm watching Quad's handshake level, okay? I'm concentrating. I'm concentrating. So then Darren says something. He says something about, we all have to take responsibility for what we've done, whatever. And Mariah's like, oh.

He's not talking to her. No one's talking to Mariah. And of course, Mariah's like... Oh, hell no. And then Aiden's like, oh, the hook is coming out. The hook is coming out. We're like, oh, congratulations. the hook is coming out the hook is coming out like oh congratulations the hook is coming out jesus aiden starts this whole bitch fight thing where he goes like he gets his finger like this he's like you you weren't there for us we you weren't there

you betrayed both of us and you hurt my wife and you hurt me and then and then and then mariah's like oh hell family family who does that to family nobody nobody does it's like, oh, hell, family, family, who does that to family? Nobody, nobody does. It's like, who is even talking to you two? What are you going on about? Why are you yelling? Stop. Just be quiet. And then Heaven, but the best part is that when Heaven is like, oh, the hawk is coming out,

I don't think anyone really cared. Everyone's like, uh-huh. Like, oh, look out, here comes the Huck. Whatever that means. The Huck is here. This whole episode is Mariah starting fights with nobody about nothing, but then screaming. Also, Mariah seems to be on some serious drugs.

And I'm not talking, like, the good pills, because I know all of those and how they affect you, okay? It's called being a doctor in my head. Fuckers. So I know. I understand. That's not prescription. Fuckers. So I know. I understand. That's not prescription. That's like methane or something. So the last two or three episodes,

I was like, oh, it's sort of fun having Mariah back. It is funny. This is the episode that reminded me of why I hated her so much. She's awful. And honestly, I was totally on Toya's side

the entire episode because Mariah is sitting here talking about how she voted out, voted out, you know. Listen, you're showing us why you were voting. You were voted out for a reason, actually. It's not like people just decided to be mean to you. You're crazy.

And then they showed the clip of her being crazy. There was actually a montage later in the episode. We're jumping ahead, but later in the episode, they had a full-on montage of Mariah being terrible to every single person. They went from the past two seasons. Oh, my God. Her telling Dr. Jackie, during the

breast cancer season, by the way, that when Dr. Jackie had breast cancer or whatever, they show Mariah like, you don't understand what it's like to have children because you don't have any. And that's it. You don't understand what a mother feels like because you can't have babies. I'm like, whoa

witch! That's a little far. Yeah. Mariah. If she's gonna do that, she's gotta do it like Countess Luann. You know, be like, well I know because you don't have babies i'm like whoa that's a little far yeah mariah if she's gonna do that she's gonna do it like countess luann you know be like well i know because you don't have kids but luann like comes from a place where she's gross but at least she actually has these manners and things i know i actually i don't even know what the fuck she's talking i actually feel dirty about making comparison between marriage medicine and real housewives of new york um so but the best part is that while mariah and aiden are getting mad they cut to jackie and she's just sitting there with her husband laughing like you know like because they are so you know the funny thing is the two of them are are on this show well i mean he's just married to it but but

she's on the show i do get the feeling that she was on the show initially because i i don't feel like she's a need as needy of a reality whore as the others i feel like she really is on there because she wants to show an educated black woman on tv you know well and to sell diet pills yeah well to sell her fizz the new it but i do feel you know i get a sense and i may be inferring too much but i get a sense from her that she's not there as much to make drama, but to make sure there's a portrayal of a smart black woman who knows how to, you know, who portrays herself properly. Because you just don't get to see that on TV very much, you know? Well, not on Bravo. Not on Bravo.

well not on Bravo and so it's funny because I feel like when you see her on there and she's like laughing and shaking her head she's like oh god I'm telling you she is Mrs. Huxtable I don't even mean that in a racist way that's a compliment she's like a white black lady

and she smiles at everything Cliff does she's like oh Cliff she's not a white black lady but she's a Huxtable She smiles at everything Cliff does. She's like, I would say, Oh, Cliff, you are crazy. She's not a white black lady. She's, but she's a, She's a Huxtable. She's very Felicia Rashad in the Cosby show.

Yeah, but you can't say she's a white black lady. But I mean, like, in the stereotype of the Huxtable, that's what a Huxtable is. It's someone who's like, Hello, Cliff. But what she is, is she's a, Don't get mad at me because of slang terms from the 80s, all right? She's a smart,

Y'all like Bill Cos smart... What she is is a smart, intelligent, and self-possessed black woman who's not acting crazy. She's a smart woman, period. It doesn't make her a white black lady. It just means whatever. You know what I mean. I meant she's a Huxtable. Get off my ass.

Sorry. I meant she's a Felicia Rashad in the Cosby Show, okay? But she is. Save the politically correct bullshit for some other time? No. This is a podcast, dammit. Dammit! So anyways. Let's fight over what Hoxton Ball means! Oh yeah, so this is where the montage was, because Toya was where she says

Mariah needs to take ownership that she's hurt every last person in this group, and yeah, that's when they showed the montage. And it's true. Mariah's horrible. Mariah wants an apology. Okay, so here's the thing. Mariah needs to shut up about this miscarriage thing, okay? I'll tell you why. It's like using pain.

Everybody on these shows do it. They use whatever pain is around them and they milk it. Yeah, everyone feels... It's so gross. Let me tell you something. I have some very dear friends who have had miscarriages.

And I didn't visit them in the hospital. A, because I didn't know. I actually didn't know. They kept it private. So how am I supposed to know? And B, you know, they also don't hold it against me. It's like you said, it's a pain. Dan, it's not about your friends.

You're supposed to go visit your enemies in the hospital when they're having it. You're totally misreading the show, Dan. But the point is this, though. Toya is right. You know, you're not in a good place. Yeah, she this though toya is right you know you weren't you're not in a good place she's like we're not friends why would i go to the hospital yeah and mariah mariah mariah maria's too much like i don't even i'm tired already talking about her she doesn't do anything that's real all she does is come on and scream and yell about shit that has nothing to do with any kind of reality or anything that ever happened she's a waste of

my fucking time. And she's so messy that she walks into that last finale party thing, which is some made up event, the quad made up on paperless posts or Evite. I'm giving quite too much. She made some Evite and sent it out and called it like the bestest doctors in the town. And then made herself the host when she's not a doctor.

And then gave the awards to her husband and then her two friends yeah what the hell chloe and then had it in some like model home living room get the hell out of here so by the way um during this group again during the group therapy session on the beach my favorite part was that when mariah and and aiden were fighting and aiden's like oh he starts yelling at toya and then when he yells at Toya, Eugene turns around and Eugene starts to yell. He's like, wait a second

and he's like, turns his body around like all of his mass turns around and you can see Aiden just sort of like recede back. Oh, okay,

well the huck is going away now. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I'm sorry. The huck is back at the Motel 6 opening. Yeah, the huck is scared of people who are bigger than him. Yeah.

Also, this is really shallow and mean to say. I know you're going to be shocked. Plugs. Hair plugs. Let me explain something to bald people. If hair plugs worked, Bruce Willis would have hair.

He's rich as hell. Okay, Aiden? They don't work. Stop it. You look crazy. And especially in those lights at the party, I don't know what those lights were. They were like the interior of that frog ride

at Disneyland. What is that called? Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. It's like the lighting in there that frog ride at disneyland what is that called mr toad's wild ride it's like the lighting in there it's like this is not helping your hair that's not even costco quality rug right there that is bad bad bad rug also someone asked about mariah being on housewives of atlanta i don't know i don't think it's like i don't think so because they've been shooting now i haven't heard anything about yeah she's not yeah fuck her god fuck her um so you don't so uh so as mariah is continuing to go on and on about this about no one visit her then then she then she starts going after quads like i fix your face fix your face and quads like i

bought you flowers and damn balloons yeah quad quad who's suddenly like the pacifist and all of this she's like i don't understand why like she's so calm she's like um who's the guy who's suddenly like the pacifist in all of this. She's like, I don't understand why Mariah... She's so calm. She's like, who's Darth Vader from the Verizon? No, that's Morgan Freeman from Verizon. Who's the... Wait, is it Morgan Freeman from... No, who's Darth Vader? James Earl Jones. Yeah, that's who Quad was.

She's like, James Earl. She's like, well, I don't understand what has happened to Mariah. But Quad was annoying because All I've done is buy her balloons. I'm like, shut up. I'm not going to Verizon. Well, what I also hate is that she used a prop. And she does this like once a season.

She's like, what else does she want from me? Does she want my head on a platter? And she picks up a piece of print barrel. I was like, oh, that's annoying. Don't do that, Quad. Don't pre-plan i mean i know they all it's like frito crumbs from the craft services table so does she want my head on the platter and by the way that didn't actually that didn't make the joke it didn't make the joke any

funnier like you actually brought it makes it worse it made it worse it's like the one where she was she put on the queen and she's like he lacks queen so i'm a queen i'm like oh you just made this so much worse and the thing is this the prop like when she says does she want my head on a platter like that's an expression so there's no inherent comedy about saying head on a platter and ensuring a platter it's like if maybe the prop made the joke was like the punch line but or like put the wig on a platter and just have that you know something i need to work for these shows okay i need to be one of the people behind the camera like really did you see the evidence did you see the evidence so then so then they all um they all went home and then the you could tell the producers were excited like yes

now we can do our starting of the day montage where they have the public domain pop songs like, getting the day started, making things happen, checking on everyone, like Miss Simone is checking charts at the office, and Lisa Nicole is putting up hangers, like, getting the day started. Lisa Nicole.

Lisa Nicole's finally got employees that she likes. Her new employee's like, well, hello, Miss Lisa. You're the most popular person I've ever met in my life. How do you juggle all of this? And Lisa's like, kids, a husband, a career, hangers facing the wall. It's hard, but I juggle. And she juggles like this.

This is how Lisa Marie juggles. I mean, why don't I call her Lisa Marie? Lisa Nicole's juggling like this. She's like, I juggleuggle it's a juggle and she's like you are amazing lisa nicole quad's like the only thing that i juggle are a bunch of houses and starlight i juggle patterns because i've already brought this for the day juggled she like, please don't throw platters around my store. I just got a new staff. The only thing up in the air is quantum adaptor

and she'll have it, honey. The only thing up in the air is a platter. Ow! I hope I get to go to Australia so I can see some of those platterpusses, honey. Gravity has messed with me and I'm gonna make it back. Honey, did I just discover

that this is a plot I just fell right on my head? All right. So anyway. How much of this do we have to talk about? I hate this. There's not much left.

Fucking Mariah. Okay, so then, okay. Let's get to the party where Mariah shows up on meth. All right, so, okay. Well, that's what we're doing. So first, okay. So Quad's husband is getting recognized

for the work he's done with the mental health industry, aka being able to endure an entire trip with these bitches. I think that's work in the mental health industry right there. Heavenly doesn't want to go to Heroes in Healthcare.

I love that every event that Quad does, pups in Paris and Heroes in Healthcare. Everything is going to be something else. Platters in the kitchen. Or they have to start with the same letter. Heroes in healthcare. Pups in princesses. What is it?

Platters in puppetry. Like, my husband is being recognized for the work he does. I'm like, you are recognizing him stop we are going to send that email out we are going to be making a trip to texas to go to shoes and shreveport i like that tori immediately gets there she's like it's so pretty in here they had a why who does that and it ain't an open bar well she's right though toyah was the voice of reason as well.

So she's like, ooh. Toya's an idiot, but she's not a liar. But it also showed, I mean, it was a janky event. Did I forget? Well, what was funny was that it was held in this mansion, but it was not the right venue for it. Because when they did their ceremony, they were in the foyer, crammed around. Not everyone could see it.

She's like in front of a fireplace with like track lighting overhead. We've seen a lot of janky events In Atlanta on these shows And this is one of the jankiest I mean why not do it outside Or why did they not do it in like a ballroom They were just in some mansion

It was just very poorly organized And the fact that they ran out of red wine And then they had to pay for their clubs And then it was like drinks are complimentary until 9pm So good. Honey, are we in Pups in Paris or Rappers in

Rappaport? Michael, comma Rappaport. Blanca Rappaport's Rappers. Honey. So funny. Stupid,

stupid party, stupid thing. And then all the awards were different. Were they nominated and then they win? Is that it? No,

or did they just win they were just honored because people kept saying like i'm so glad to be nominated i'm like wait you have to show up to see you win if you if there's like a better doctor than you and who judges that how does quad judge that it looks like a press conference yeah right it didn't even look like where no one cares um so then outside the best part was toyah's looking at this grotto. She's like, oh, OG. A pool. OG, I want a pool. OG, I want a pool and I want a grotto. Get me a pool.

He's like, we don't even have a house. But there's a bar. Give me a bar. I want a bar outside. I want to have that bar. And he's like, Toya, you have to stop. She's like, listen, you know, I used to only have a BB purse, OK? And I was really happy with that.

But then you got me a Louis purse, and now I can't stop. So it's your fault, OG. You got me addicted. Don't you understand addiction? He's got like Frito, he's got like Frito powder on his lips. He understands addiction, Toya. Yours just costs a lot more, okay? Get addicted to some ho-hos and stop shopping. She's like, okay, I'll consolidate.

I'll have a pool with a bar inside of it. Same thing. Just get a kiddie pool with a bar. Just make it out of stone and rocks and dig a hole for it in the ground. So then, here comes the fun part of the episode

was that old Jean and Toya were like playing roulette or something or whatever. And then Toya walks in and Toya's like, not Toya, Mariah walks in and she's like, Ooh, got the games! Look at that, people playing games!

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Game! Mariah! Game! Whoa, whoa! She wasn't even saying anything. She was doing like facial movements a lot and neck movements and not saying anything. She's like, but oh she's serving you casino and then she's like and she's like oh we're supposed to be angry at each other right and she's like well last time i saw you you will go to my house yeah yeah are you going to

apologize for your husband well am i gonna apologize for you not visiting me in the hospital oh my god mariah these people voted you out of the group and now you want them to visit you at the hospital like enough but then mariah brings up all this stuff from a season ago or two seasons ago about uh how her daughter was adopted and oh yeah i'd forgotten about that yeah toya ruined her daughter because she said in the beauty shop that her daughter was adopted yeah meanwhile they so they go back to show another clip of it and the truth is toya may have gossiped about it unwittingly but it was mariah's sister who brought it up on camera we never would have even known about it if mariah's sister i know hadn't talked about it on camera actually yeah so she put it on purpose and in fact that's what toya said toya was the

one toya toya said like she's like, I didn't know. It was you who put it out for everyone. And Mariah's like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. And then the second Mariah's proved wrong, which is, like, every second because nothing she says is true.

Then she starts with the whole, she's like, oh, really? Well, did I put it out there when I was miscarrying my children and you weren't in the hospital? Honey! Mm. And then she does this like

little shimmy thing like she's right she's like so then they start like swimming does not make you right okay ask the entire chorus of 42nd street yeah doesn't change a thing okay so then so then they start to fight and then quad comes in the women the women come and break them up and quad is pushing toy over the side and aiden comes in he's like what happened and mariah who looks like she's wasted her eyes are like blazed over she's like talking about questions she came and got toyah t-o-y-a toyah got toyah and then she started doing this yeah she was shaking her hair so hard that you saw the weave. I'm not even kidding. You see the weave where it's sewn?

You see the seam because she's shaking her head so hard. And also when she's confronted and she's wrong, she started doing this drunk face. Yeah. But it was like Popeye. My friend just had a baby and it makes Popeye face when it poops. It goes like this. That's creepy. And that's Mariah.

Whenever somebody says something that proved her wrong she'd be like yeah mariah she's awful she's so she would be better if she took some accountability for her for what she contributed to this but she is so perpetually the victim she's the worst i mean they were it was mean that they voted her out, but it's, it's not without reason. She deserved it. She totally earned that. And then to totally use a double miscarriage against people as a weapon is not cool because you were a bitch a year ago. How does that make any sense?

Yeah. Stupid, crazy biatch. Exactly. Yeah. So she's having this fit and acting like a total victim. And I have to hand it to this cast because they were like, who cares?

Yeah. No one gave her any money. No one paid her any money except mind except toya yeah and toya is just trying to get another season so she can get a bar in a pool let's face it and even simone's like oh maybe she needs to go away again yeah it's like whoa why don't you reorchestrate that boat yeah since you were the one who did it wasn't she the one who did it simone Simone? And she's like, you know, she's doing it in a gentler way, like, maybe now instead of kicking her out, we need to ask her to leave.

We'll just let her vote herself out. So Mariah comes in, screams at everybody, accuses them of being monsters, says double miscarriage a lot, makes Popeye face while almost barfing all over the place, shows her weave, and then finishes, meanwhile, Aiden's pacing around her like a barking little chihuahua with a bad rug on.

Here comes the huck. And then she's like, well... She does that little jerk thing with her head when she's talking to us in the Popeye face. And she's like, I don't know if I can ever forgive these ladies or if I'll ever allow them back in my life. I'm like, baby, they kicked you out, then ignored you during a double miscarriage

if you brought up. I don't think they're looking for you back. No one invited you here in the first place. And then when you left, no one chased you out. Get the fuck out of here. Bye. I mean, like, I'll let Mariah be hurt. I think she's allowed to be hurt.

But that's another thing. Be hurt. No, she's, I mean, it's hurtful if someone votes you out, but she has to also recognize what she contributed to that that led up to that situation. She's crazy. Yeah. She is a crazy old bitch.

Crazy Popeye bitch. Bah! So was that the season finale? And then the season ended. Was that the end? Yeah. So we have reunion next week. There was like nothing positive, okay? And then I like that they end with this big fight and mariah's like i almost said abortion sorry double miscarriage double miscarriage me me me and then it cuts they're like commercial and then it cuts back and it's like positive music it's like blink blink women are friends or whatever their stupid song is. And all the women are gathered around like, oh, that's crazy.

Remember Popeye screaming about her double whatever? And then they're all trying to say positive things. And Jackie goes, well, what I think is that we all need to learn to just close our mouths. It'll keep you surrounded by more friends. It'll

also keep you thinner. It is the new end. Oh, God. Shut up, show. I love this show. Is there going to be a reunion? Yeah. Part one is next week. Also, I have to say, Heavenly, great hair and makeup for not going to a party.

Yeah. He's like, baby, I want to go to this party, baby. And then they start talking in this high voice. He's like, baby, you don't have to go if you don't want. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

I don't want to go. I'm tired. I'm tired. Daddy, I'm tired. I'm tired. That does it for us. Oh my God, we made it to the end. It's another week. How long was that? I don't even know because it's cut off and shit. Is this still recording? Please still be recording. Oh, it is.

It is. It is, Tony. My computer is still recording. Anyway, guys, thank you so much for being here. I'm Periscope. What? Blue hearts to you. Thank you guys so much for being with us and supporting us.

You know the use. Facebook.com forward slash watch where crap ends. We're almost at 5,000 likes. Who is going to be the 5,000th person to like us on Facebook? Whoever you are, you will be a very special person. I love you guys. Sorry we didn't get to read enough of those, but you see how

it is when I start reading other things. Yeah, everyone on Patreon. I'm sorry. On Periscope, I want to announce that we started with about 120 viewers, and now we're down to 41. Well, I mean, married to medicine. I blame married to meds. So for the 42 people who stuck with us, thank you so much.

We had a... If you missed this, by the way, if you want to watch this on Periscope, it's going to still be there. Yeah, we won't take it down. There's two. Part one and part two. We won't take them down. And we will do our bonus episode Thursday. And we're also having our live Google Hangout on Thursday. So calm there.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Love you. Yeah. Yay. Bye. Close this up. Close this up.

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