Watch What Crappens - #223: Julie's Unbelievable Bawls

Episode Date: September 24, 2015

Grab your passports because it's time to go back to England. It's New Years on "Ladies of London," and everyone's having a blast until Caroline makes a yoga joke. That's when the JUBs hit the fan. Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) dish about everything from Julie's Unbelievable Balls to Caroline's unicorn scandal. Then it's off to the high seas as a new deckhand and several drunkards board "Below Deck." Be sure to crack open your favorite beer (with your teeth) for this one. As always, you can support us at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and Like Us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Crap is. Crap is.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? It's so funny. Watch what crappens. Oh, I mean, don't be so happy. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey, everyone. Welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me, as always, is the hilarious, the funny, the lovely, and the non-snake-bitten Ronnie Karam. That's right, Ben.

There's snakes in but me, darling. Hi, everybody. I'm mentioning that because I just saw a headline about a child getting bitten by a snake at the Birmingham Zoo, which has nothing to do with Bravo except in a metaphorical sense. But Ronnie is from trash talk tv.com which is exciting and uh even more exciting is that you all all y'all can follow us on social media by going to watch what crap happens.com and you'll have links to all of our

social media on there instagram Instagram, Twitter, etc. We just started a Vine channel this week and we have about four little videos on there that are really funny. So, and if they're not funny, they're at the very least bizarre. So go listen to those. And then Facebook, facebook.com forward slash

Watch Where Crap Ends. So much fun. Everyone is posting crap on there in the best possible way. We talked about a bunch of the stories that people posted on there on our bonus episode, which we recorded earlier today. So some of you all got mentioned by name. So if you want to hear your name, perhaps. You get the sheer joy. No, but anyway, if you want to hear your name perhaps they get the sheer joy uh no but anyway if you

want to listen to bonus episode uh you go to patreon.com forward slash watch for crappins and you'll find out how to sign up there and support us it'd be great our bonus episode was over an hour long today so it is really a lot of extra content that you get we talked about internet outrage we talked about big brother and we talked about uh that guy from boston who saw us on fish so what the f j what is that jay oh man jay jay come on get it on the boat bro come on bro pull back bro pull back bro that's another scene before kid bro that's like a baby whale man you're gonna be on the news bro aquarium or something we gotta call the aquarium if you guys have missed that that is a wonderful YouTube video going around where two idiots see a sunfish and don't know what it is.

Dying. Yeah. Will make me laugh every time I hear that. It's a total sketch. Yeah. Dang! What the fuck, bro? What the fuck?

All right. Let's move into the show yeah so anyway that that bonus but to be honest bonus episode really good really fun we really got into it so go listen to that uh we have no next issue ad today and we have no casper mattress ad today but i can i can say that my casper mattress i am i'm telling you i am sleeping like a baby people like i'm sure that everybody's so disappointed that we're not going to do our ads for 30 minutes. I know. Welcome to the podcast about ads.

Wait, there are two more things we have to mention. That tonight, if you're listening to this in time, tonight at 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m. Eastern, we are doing a hangout on Google for people who subscribe on Patreon at a certain level. So again, go to Patreon for all the details on that. It's always a lot of fun when we do that. We'll have all the links will be up, etc.

And I tried rather unsuccessfully to start a hashtag this week, but I wasn't trying to be viral. But if there's something you want us to talk about on the bonus episode, use the hashtag, hashtag crappins bonus the only reason why i started the hashtag is that way i can click on it or ronnie can click on it and we can see immediately what topics to talk about so um look at that that's like having a trapper keep a trapper keeper full of you know it's like having luann's it's like it's like having lu it's like having luann de la seps dress. Very organized. Very organized.

So that's it. That's all. That's all that we have to say. We did it. We did it. Wait. Oh, I have an anecdote. If it's about an effing mattress, I'm going to kill you.

It's not. No, something super cool happened yesterday when I was at Tiago, my favorite coffee shop. cool happened yesterday when I was at Tiago, my favorite coffee shop. One of our listeners, Mika, I think it was Mika, was it Micah? Mika, who works pretty much upstairs from Tiago, she walked up and was basically

like, I recognize you. I listened to the podcast and it was the coolest thing ever. That's awesome. Thank you so much for coming over to say hi. That truly made my day and I was fasting for Yom Kippur, and I was so hangry. And you turned my hanger frown upside down. Oh, that's cool.

I like that. It was so cool. I was like, wow, we have a real podcast where people recognize us. It was very, very cool. Very, very. You made my day. And your favorite place. You're like, I idolize Tiago.

Tiago was fantastic yesterday. There was some huge bodybuilder there, and he had a tiny little coffee cup, and then there was a fight between the busboy and the barista. It was just like, and then Mika came in. It was just so much drama. Love it. So, can we just, should we just get on with Ladies of London, my favorite show of the year, perhaps?

Let's please do that. Love this show. I mean, I shouldn't say favorite show of the year, because we still do that love this show i mean i shouldn't say favorite show of the year because we still have vanderpump rules coming up secrets and wives was pretty damn fantastic but ladies of london killing it this is the first time because every time i noticed something new in the opening this is the first time i've noticed that they basically stole Toxic for the theme. Have you ever noticed that? Na na na na. Na na na na. I actually don't like the opening theme song.

It's toxic. It's literally toxic but made into girl rock or something. What the hell? Toxic wasn't girl rock enough. It's also just a toxic opening credits. I'm like, ugh, I feel sick already. Let's stop describing the things people are injecting into their faces. All right. What are the women about?

I know. No, I just feel like they could use a better song, but, um, so the show opened up and by the way, I took lots of notes today on both shows. Okay.

Let's have a notes war bean. Note war. So, um, it starts off with flashes of Christmas with the ladies. They each took a little bit of video with their phones. And my favorite was they start with Annabelle. She's decorating a tree with Granny.

She's like, Annabelle, the rock star. Here I am being a rocker decorating a tree with an old lady. She's like, Gran, I've straightened up the cats. And now let's put on a decoration before we do the heroine get naked and fuck the neighbors granny was probably like it's so lovely to celebrate with one of my peers she's like i'm meaning i'm mainlining granny right now merry fucking christmas rock and roll My granny was amused Alexander's granny

I was raised by Affluent grannies Just like Alexander I love Christmas I love seeing my family I love that whole season I love that everybody's just so nice and happy I really love Christmas

I do not love Christmas in England. They were showing all these shots, these beautiful shots, and I felt empty inside. I was like, why do I feel like I want to start crying? Then I realized it's because one of my favorite movies is Love Actually.

Emma Thompson totally gets screwed over in that movie and that's the end. Was it Emma Thompson? I thought it was what's her face that got screwed over in that movie, and that's the end. Was it Emma Thompson? I thought it was, what's her face that got screwed over? Who else did? Laura Linney. Hello. Oh, yeah.

She did, too, I think. Yeah. Laura Linney. Emma Thompson's the one I remember. I think because she was the one trying to make things better with her husband because she felt like he was out of love. And then she saw him buying her a special gift in the store, and she was so excited to get it. And then she realized that the special gift was for in the store and she was so excited to get it and then she realized that the special gift was for his mistress and she got a fucking scarf and

then it ends. I mean what the hell? I didn't remember that part. I actually didn't really like that movie that much but clip, slam, laptop, shut, leave. Assault on Christianity. That's a bonus episode. Assault on Love Actually-ity tea how dare you sir my favorite

storyline in that movie was when laura linney was attracted to this super super hot guy in the office and then he finally pays attention to her and it looks like they're going to find love actually and then she has this stupid fucking asshole brother and she winds up spending christmas with her brother instead of the hot guy. And she's destined to a life of loneliness. I was like, this is the one storyline I cared about, about all these people. And it had to end like this. I was like, love, actually, love, not really.

Never choose your brother over ass. I mean, that is the way to have the smallest family ever and never have Christmas. What if your brother gets run over by a car? You have nobody. By the way, crappinsquotes, at crappinsquotes on Twitter, I think there's your first one. Never choose your brother over ass. You guys, crappinsquotes

is back. I don't know who did the original crappinsquotes. Yeah, we got like a weird message from someone being like, I have taken over now. I was like, okay, I don't know. Who is it? Did they say? I want to know. Whoever it is. We don't know who you are. Thank you. Yes. Love it. Love it. But anyway, I disagree

with you about when I say... Well, what a shocker, Ben. What a shock. Here's what I have to say, okay? So I didn't even really like Love Actually, but I like the feeling of the movie. I did like the English Christmas this and that and like, what's gonna be the number one song for the Christmas pop charts? And so when they are all Christmassy and ladies of London, I'm like the English Christmas this and that. And like, what's going to be the number one song for the Christmas pop charts?

And so when they are all Christmassy and ladies of London, I'm like, oh, it's the best part of Love Actually. It's that lovely English British Christmas thing. So I didn't feel empty on the inside. I enjoyed seeing the clips. What I did not enjoy was freaking Marissa, who I've grown to hate because the editors want me to hate her. And you know what? I will on behalf of them. And she's like,

okay, everyone, we're going to write a note to Santa. Dear Santa, what do we want to write to Santa? Do we want to wish for a hot dog for Santa? Shut up, Marissa. Hot dogs. Oh, stupid Marissa. She's like, dear

Santa, I'm just writing this letter to say that I really don't appreciate the way that you cleaned out my fireplace last year. If I want my fireplace cleaned, I'll call a chimney company like every other American. And then we also saw Juliet frolicking by the beach. And this actually annoyed me. And I'll tell you why. Juliet frolicking by the beach, and this actually annoyed me, and I'll tell you why. She made such a commotion about Thanksgiving. It has to be just the way I remember it in Chicago, you know, cozy, and it could be on couches, and it's relaxing. That's what Thanksgiving is for me. I'm like, oh, so did Christmas also have a beach in the tropical sunlight with no snow? Because

you were talking so much about how Thanksgiving had to be just like it was, the fans have little sites at home, and then you go and have a non-traditional Christmas in Cancun or wherever you were. It's got to be one of the other ladies. Well, Thanksgiving in my house is really traditional, Ben, but, you know, Christmas isn't. Like, Christmas is bikini time in my house. And so, you know, we used to gather around.

Some people gather around trees. We gather around a big hole in the beach and then, like, make a castle in it and say, you know, we used to gather around, some people gather around trees. We gather around a big hole in the beach and then like make a castle in it and say, thank you, God. Okay, that's tradition, Ben. The reason why I want to climb up British society

is that way I can fulfill my dreams of being the queen of the sandcastle. She's like, that sandcastle isn't respecting my wishes and it's like, it's always trying to make decisions. Stop it, sandcastle. I have to show that sandcastle isn't respecting my wishes. And it's like, it's always trying to make decisions. Stop it, sandcastle. I have to show that sandcastle my yoga poses.

Like, I feel like me and that sandcastle, I feel like we're destined to be friends. But like, I don't know anything about you, sandcastle. So we moved on from there to Annabelle and Julie having lunch. Yeah, well, okay. So here's another thing that cracked me up they julie shows up annabelle pretty much sticks her tongue down her throat she like gives her such a big kiss on the mouth and they sit down and i was like oh i've got a bit of a cold i hope i don't give it to you like just just here on the mouth like the biggest kiss up the mouth

i've ever seen in my life oh darling but don't worry it's a rock and roll call it's very i believe i got this call from alexander he once had a cold and i told him cough into this jar and when the time's appropriate i'm gonna open the jar and get his cold do you know how difficult it is to have a ghost cold no one believes me um she was funny when she was talking about her cold because she's Leaning back in her chair like in a rock star pose Like she just can't sit up Darling It's all beneath her to even sit up and pay attention She's like leaning back like a rock star

She's like I've got a bit of a cold darling Shut up It gets my voice all deep It's rather rebellious of me to have a cold. Everyone's healthy, and I'm going to be like, no, I'm not healthy. I guess I've never been a rebel like that. Julie's like, a cold?

She needs some vitamin C. I have some vitamin C. My purse, she needs a band-aid. Oh, the turnover will spank you. Sometimes she can spank a cold. Oh, my God, I'm struggling out. Actually, it's kind of crazy. One thing I like to do is I like to take a bunch of different vitamins. And instead of getting multivitamin, I take a bunch of them and put them all together into a

ball. And I call it JUB, which stands for Julie's Unbelievable Vitamins. I'm going on Shark Tank this week to pitch it to Barbara Corcoran. She was there to talk to Annabelle about her new, or her business that she's trying to make bigger, called Julie's Unbelievable Balls.

By the way, I have to say, I did not hate this business. I actually was intrigued and I don't know, little healthy balls? I would have them. Oh my god. I'm always looking for a healthy snack, Julie. Well, Julie's Unbelievable Balls?

It seems like an awkward time in history to be saying that. With everything going on with the acceptance of transgenderism, it's like maybe trying to pander to the wrong crowd unfairly you know like you don't get to just say you have balls and then suddenly we're all supposed to jump on your side julie i think it's an interesting um development for the lineage of the uh earl of sandwich i think it's very much like well one of the earl of sandwich's greatest contributions to the world was the Earl of Sandwich. I think it's very much like, well, one of the Earl of Sandwich's greatest contributions to the world

was the creation of the sandwich. And therefore, and then his ancestors later introduced us to healthy balls. Tostinos were not invented until a pizza maker in Italy married an American, okay? The American was the one.

Miss Tostino was the one who walked in there and was like, pizza should be in a pool. I can just imagine when they're going to some royal event and now announcing the Earl of Sandwich and his wife, the CEO of Julie's Unbelievable Balls.

So good. The sandwich. An American has turned the sandwich into a ball. Please welcome Sandwich Ball Lady of Sandwich. Nay. And Julie would be like, oh my god, I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, I've lost a shoe. It's in the car. I feel like Cinderella, but poor.

It's not made of glass. I'm so sorry. The kids were hungry. Oh, they hated my mac and cheese. Does anybody have any mac and cheese stamps? I do not understand your milk in this country. I'm freaking out. This is crazy. I mean, like, we're at a ball, and I'm here to sell balls. I mean, this is just so crazy.

I mean, what kind of life do I lead? I mean, it's bizarre. And the hot chocolate here, it's perfectly cooked. I mean, I don't even know. It's crazy. I'm going to do a headstand now. Thanks for having a ball. Oh, my God. i couldn't pay for that kind of branding like i literally couldn't because we're broke how do we live in a castle ah you know what i just haven't i just

had another great branding idea we're going to we're going to have an app for mapperton called the map urchin with the app in it capital I mean, it's just like it just writes itself. I'm going to come out with a special holder for Julie's balls, and it's going to be called the basketballs. And then when people search on the internet, they're just going to find it over and over, and they're just going to keep ordering and ordering it, rooting for it and rooting for it, and it's never going to die.

We're going to sign a deal with England's top basketball team. You guys have a basketball team, right? No? Oh, my God. I'm in the wrong country. Who guys have a basketball team, right? No? Oh my god. I'm in the wrong country. Who would have thought? I mean, this is my life, you know? No kidding. If you're an American in England, why don't you just invent basketball? Like, it seems like

not only is the idea not taken, you know it's going to be popular. Julie's balls. Get out of here. I'm going gonna support her balls I really do like Julie it's like a genuine human being and I really do like her and I feel terrible for her because I'm saying I like her

and then I'm dissing her but listen this is out of love okay she's a lovely thin skinned woman I wasn't even gonna say that I'm just gonna say she's very vampire looking, the dye is wrong the bleach is wrong the light on her eyes are making So I wasn't even going to say that. I'm just going to say she's very vampire-looking. The dye is wrong. The bleach is wrong.

Then there's the light on her eyes are making it look like she has vampire eyes against the yellow straw hair. And I just feel awful for her. And she's wanting to be taken seriously. And you cannot be taken seriously with a bad dye job. I agree. I think that dye job, be damned. She seems so nice and so friendly and so relatable. And it's funny because last season she was the one that they all wanted to be cool with. They're like, well, she's going to be like her husband's going to be the Earl of Sandwich.

Everyone's cozying up to her. And this season she's like, hey, guys, did you start without me? You know? Yeah, everyone's like, oh, my God, we're in a castle. We know a lady. And then they get a bill for dinner. And they're like, wait a second. It's like, thanks my god, we're in a castle. We know a lady. And then they get a bill for dinner. And they're like, wait a second. It's like, thanks for supporting my cafe.

That's exactly it. She's poor, darling. Move on. So then at this tea time or lunch that she was having with Annabelle, Annabelle revealed that she's writing a children's book. And they show pictures. And the main character of the children's book and they show pictures and like the main character of the children's book is just scowling just angry i'm like yeah that sounds about right yeah and uh she this is so this whole thing was so good because annabelle's business of course is writing

children's books like the last person in the world you would think the most dreary person in the world and she made a book i I think, about a little monster or something. And she's telling us the story behind it with her dead eyes. She's like, I was rich. I grew up rich, wealthy, fabulous. I had fabulous dinners. But school was hard. I was lonely, fearful, and angry.

I would stand behind walls and then I would get so upset that I would run up and threaten to kill people. 20 child therapists by the time I was eight years old. I'm like fucking rich people and their therapist. Don't send your child to a therapist, okay? She's like, that's why I decided to be a rebel. Yeah, that's the thing I was going to say. She's like, that's when I became a rebel. Then they cut to a screenshot of the book and it's a kid jumping off a roof.

Okay, literally. I'm not making this up. of the book and it's a kid jumping off a roof, okay? Literally. I'm not making this up. And then Julie stays kind of quiet while she's listening to this and she goes, well, we all need a release for our anger. You know,

like kids' books. That's a totally reasonable place to release your anger. Kids' books. What the fuck, show? I love this show. Well, I just love that when Annabelle said, well, that's why I became a rebel. I was imagining her then saying, oh, and now would you like to see some footage of me and Granny decorating the tree?

I'm such a rebel. I'm such a rebel. Granny shit herself during the tree decoration, and I didn't change her diaper for over an hour. Rebel! And then Annabelle was also tearing up. She was like, well, you know, I was so withdrawn. You know, they put me in a dunce cap, which cracked me up.

She's like crying at the table. Like, I was a dunce cap. Made me feel like an idiot. It's why I have to tease my hair in the back. My head never really recovered. Dunce caps are not made for babies when they still have softies. To this day, I still cannot eat bugles I saw a traffic cone the other day

And I crumbled into a sobbing mess I kicked them all over and said You're not stupid, you're not stupid Whoever's under there, you're not stupid And there was no one there It was a bunch of dunce caps with no one under Have you ever tried eating ice cream In a waffle cone?

Don't! I've died inside. At the end of the sludge scene, it's like, Girl power! Girl power! Because they have products. That's what girl power is. It's like, girl power!

We found something stupid to sell to idiots. I know. Congratulations! But again, I support Job. And oddly enough, as much as we're making fun of it, I actually thought Annabelle's children's book looked halfway decent. Now here's the next product.

So then we cut to Marissa. Love the part where the kid jumped off the roof. I'm buying this for my depressed child Who's at 9 therapist before he's 8 What the hell So then we cut to Marissa And There's some wonderful news about Marissa's new restaurant

She's decided That she wants to open up something Well she was raised in Southern California In case you couldn't tell from the accent And there was always a hot dog on the grill somewhere, which is a lie. It's not like

we're walking around in a sea of hot dogs. If anything, they're burgers, but like hot dogs. So she says she's going to open up a hot dog place

called Top Dog in London. I'm like, bitch, don't you know there is a regional chain called Top Dog in California?

Like, are you seriously going to start this right now in London? because in America there's like literally a Top Dog everywhere, which is why I'm starting a Top Dog in California. Are you seriously going to start this right now in London? Yeah, because in America, there's literally a Top Dog everywhere, which is why I'm starting a Top Dog. She's like, the next restaurant

I'm going to open up is going to have farm to table food. And so in honor of the farm, I've decided to call this restaurant McDonald's, because old McDonald's had a farm. Marissa, okay, she's like, my husband is like like he's one of the most renowned restaurant tools in the world in the world but like he can't help the fact he's not born in

america i am american he needs me like like americans only understand americans are the only ones who can possibly understand taste buds what are you talking about he is the only ones who can possibly understand taste buds. What are you talking about? He is the only, like, he just does not know what American street food is like. I'm like, listen, hot dogs are hot dogs, okay? There are good hot, you know, I always say this. There's a certain ceiling to how good a hot dog can be. There are some great hot dogs out there.

But I trust that a British guy will know what a good hot dog is. I'm sorry. Well, it's so funny because a hot dog, you know, just listening to her explain it like it's such a fancy thing and she's talking to an idiot. You know? Hot dog. Well, let me see. Let me see. It's like a hot dog is like a recycle bin,

but instead of like aluminum and tins, as you would call them, it's filled with like body parts and like unused parts of pigs and cows, possibly boogers, blood and piss. Then it's put in like a tube of skin. You guys call it skin here? And then it's shaped like a dick. And then it's in a bun's like a bitch it's fucking a hot dog shut up and since when is marissa the uh authority on hot dogs that woman looks like she

never has hot dogs like maybe she has one a year okay she uh she is a she is a person who threw a thanksgiving party that was out of down abbey it It was so stuffy. And now you're supposed to be the authority on hot dogs? I say no, ma'am. I say have a seat. You know that nobody really eats hot dogs when they say things like American street food. No. No, no. Let's not get fancy

like we're on. I'm gonna open a restaurant based on street food around the world. You know when people get really snotty and they actually do produce street food around the world. You know when people get really snotty and they actually do produce street food. You don't get to describe it like that. It's like, it's popcorn for $20 a plate. Welcome. This is American

street food. Shut up. It's not fancy. It's fucking popcorn and a hot dog. Stupid. Also, I'd like to point out that she named her restaurants and she's like, well, I'm a restauranteur and we own pumpkin bougie and eclipse yeah how fitting are all of those names for kind of her life exactly different sex different times in her life you know exactly and uh i don't i also don't understand

how having three restaurants makes you one of the most famous restauranteurs in the world. Oh, Lord. She's so pretentious. But as I was saying earlier, I'm just keeping with the thread I started earlier, which is I at least still like her because I believe that she's really like that. I don't believe she's putting on anything. I think she really believes that she's the Queen of England. Yeah, I think so too. So then, let's see. Next

we saw Julie and Juliet doing yoga and Juliet announced that she's going to be hosting New Year's Eve. Nothing really happened in the scene, if I remember correctly. Correct? No, Juliet made a few passive aggressive remarks about how she's going to invite Marissa because that's nice

That's a nice thing to do Because I'm nice That's how we do things So then we went We saw Caroline at work Melania! That's how it opened I died Renia, come here

Pauline, forward Pauline, forward Valentina here. Pauline, forward. Pauline, forward. Valentina, stop. Pauline, pass Valentina. Valentina, now you move. Now both of you step aside. Let Rania come through.

All right. Pauline, go to the stock room. Forward. Slowly. And she's the one that talked like that. She's so funny because, of course, she opens the scene with tears in her eyes like she's about to start sobbing and they showed they showed they showed close-ups of every employee's face leading up to this scene and everybody was like terrified and had a frown on their face i was laughing my ass off i rewound it like three times. It's like,

alright, get shot of every terrified employee. And then you hear, Valentina! Melania! And then Renia comes in, and she's like, here's the deal. We have nothing, alright, darling? And she's like, it seems like you don't care,

miss. Hey, mom, it seems like you don't care about the gift shop and the people who work here for you, mom. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I can't care. You can't be the owner of a business that is doing, that is huge and is doing as well as this one is without, what did she say? You can't do that and be a wuss or something. She's like, stop being a pussy, darling. Man up.

Grow a pair. Call Julie. She's selling bowls. You need a pair of them, darling. Pass them around the office. All right, Mom. I'll get some bowls for you. What flavors do you want?

Oh, if you have to ask, you're already fired. All right then, Mom. I'll go get them bowls. Would you also like me to get a brain for the monster you're building in the back room? Yes, that would be lovely. All right, Mom. I lovely. Alright, mum. I love it. I know.

Forward. Valentina, slowly. Cross the forehead. Oh, she's my favorite. And she killed it this entire episode. Oh, she was out of control. What a bitch. And what a hilarious bitch.

Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. So basically her company, they screwed the pooch with Christmas and they only have three months of funding instead of six months of funding. And she has to figure out who she'll execute first to save their money. Yeah. The actual business stuff, I was like, yawn, because we already know how that's turning out because it's an administration currently. It's an administration.

And, you know, when she says people want me to fail, I don't think that I mean, I certainly as a person don't want to see her fail. But, you know, I mean, of course, it's fun when all you talk about is how brilliant, successful, successful you are and then give everybody an ask for advice. And then like you fail. Yeah. But she's at least being she's at least being forthright about the fact that the business isn't doing well she's not trying to act she's not like freaking cynthia bailey being like business at the bailey agency is better than ever and there's like a cricket hopping around you know yeah yeah true um or like peter's brew um the amount of respect

the amount the difference between the amount of respect I feel for Cynthia and Caroline is so immense. It's so vast. I can't really even comment on it. It doesn't even deserve a comment, darling. That's why it took me five minutes to get one out. The difference is also that Caroline could sell me a cup of Peter's Brew and I would be like, this is wonderful. Because Caroline would say,

I bought this for you and you will like it. And that's that. All right, mom. I'll drink this coffee. Caroline will be like, drink. Drink.

Say thank you. Valentina, come in here. I want to watch you eat steak. Valentina, eat. Now stop. Stop me too. Rainier, come in here and watch Valentina eat. Don't swallow.

That's why you're fat, darling. All right. Rainier, are you hungry? I didn't memo and tell everybody. Are you hungry, Rainier? Yes, mom. Well, then stuff for you. Bollocks for you.

You have to watch Pauline. Yes, ma'am. I'd be honored to watch Pauline, ma'am. Then we get to go see more Julie, who's just killing it. Love her. Julie's running around her kitchen. I'm going to take some

oil of oregano and some brown rice milk because, guess what? I don't feel good. You know why? Because guess what? Julie has a cold. Wonder where she got that from. I nearly fell out of my couch when she said that. She's like, I have a cold. It's like, yeah, that's because Annabelle Frenched you in the tea time. It's because you're too polite to wipe your mouth after a kiss.

Don't forget what it's like to be an American. We don't kiss here. Like maybe a cheek. And even there, I'm like, I don't know if you wipe your cheek with your hand. And God knows where your hand has been. Don't kiss me, darling. Air kiss. Air kiss. there i'm like i don't know if you wipe your cheek with your hand and god knows where your hand has been don't kiss me telling air kiss air kiss so julie uh she's sick and it's a bad time to be sick because she's meeting with investors for job um because um she is she she's gonna get money for job to take it to the next level she's like in the investments can take it from here

to here so she's really excited about that. I just don't like the name. She's like, Hey, I'm, this is a big day for job. My poor thing. You know that that's what Jeb is called by Barbara.

She's like, now listen here, job. He's like, no mama. It's not my name. Mama. And then they got in her car with her gay, I wrote.

Well, so, but even before that, then Julie goes to meet Caroline. She's going to get some business advice from Caroline because Julie has this. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I was on the way. Yeah, I was on the way. So Julie has like a business plan. And she's like, I don't know what it is.

I mean, I can't even read. So then they cut to her biking to meet Caroline. And she's biking. And, of course, this woman is a lady. And she's like, oh, excuse me, everyone. Oh, excuse me. Could you just maybe move over? Oh, okay.

You don't have to. Okay. That's fine. I'll just drive in traffic. Oh, excuse me, everyone. Excuse me. She is, like, the most downtrodden. Yeah, she is.

She's got total lady guilt. She's like, I'm so sorry that I have a title. I'm sorry I'm an American. I'm so sorry I cut in front of your statehood. Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm from someplace else. Oh, I'm sorry I'm going slow in front of you. Of course, I'm the American, so I'm going slow. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Poor baby. So then, yeah, so Caroline's in the limo Or in the car with her With her gay buddy She's like be gay And he's like girl Girl Better

Maintain Yes mom What'd you do Why are you here Yes mom I'll throw myself out of the car right now Caroline's like Well i'm meeting with her to be her mentor but you know look i can only i can meet with her for a few minutes and give her advice but it's totally different than being a mentor all right i don't have time for that and quick advice and go the end that's all i've i mean

disgusting like she's disgusting on a way there by the whole thing. I just love her. I love it. She's like, I mean, what is this, Jub? Does it stand for Jules Big Fat Balls? And like, Caroline, those are not even the proper letters for the acronym. But I just love this quote. Jules Big Fat Balls. That's true. That's why I wrote down

Jub. That didn't make any sense, did it? I was wondering where I was getting Jub. Even as I said it, I was like, what are you talking about? That's where it's from. She's like, Jubb. So then... She's in the car with her gay. I like that she got out of the car and it totally reminded me

of a rich lady getting out of her car and leaving her little yappy dog inside. I know, the gay just sits there. She's like, I won't be gone longer than five minutes. I'm not going to be a mentor. You won't die in the heat. Stop complaining, dog. Stop yapping.

Window cracked. Gay man, stay in the car. We will not leave the car running, so you'll just have to deal with the cold. Stay. It's hot out here, but as you're a homosexual, most likely you'll be able to produce shade. Onward. If you get too cold, I suggest you get out able to produce shade. Onward.

If you get too cold, I suggest you get out of the car and prance about the way you gays always do. Goodbye. Were they at Mapperton? It looked like Mapperton, but then it wasn't sure, but then it was a cafe. I don't know what it was. It's like the Mapperton cafe.

Julie's like, just meet me at home. I'll be sitting right by the cash register. Yeah. Julie biked all the way over there. And then they sit down with cake and coffee and whatever, tea, soup. And Julie is asking for advice. And Caroline goes, you know, I'm not being rude, but you're hardly the sharpest tool in the box. Like, actually, you are being rude.

But you're Caroline, so you can say it. It's like, why don't you call these idiot bowls? And then the ingredients can be stupidity, idiocy, and foreignism. I thought you were supposed to be the wife of the earliest sandwich. Where's the sandwich here? It's just a bowl. What kind of Lady of Sandwich are you? You don't even serve sandwiches.

It's called Lady of Sandwich, not Lady of Bowls. So then Julie hands over her business Lady of Frozen Bengals. Julie hands over her business plan and comes up, well, you're not going to go with this, are you? Julie hands over, Lady of frozen bangers. Julie hands over her business plan and counts it. Well,

you're not going to go with this, are you? She's, Julie's like, well, I mean, I was thinking, I mean,

I don't know. I'm not going to just like whip out a piece of folded up paper. It's going to be a straight piece of paper. That's like a paper. It's going to be flat. It's not going to be folded up. Caroline is so dismissive. She's like,

she looks like she's, she looks like, she looks like daily. She's like She looks like She looks like She looks like Daily she's been dragged Through her She says Let me try this again She looks daily

She's been dragged around By her ankles Through seven bushes So great She's like She's been dragged Through bushes She teaches yoga

She's got a home delivery Service for bowl things I mean she deserves You know she deserves a medal for walking around with roots like that yeah and then she's like not to be rude she deserves a medal for most common lady um and then julie then it becomes like this weird like shark tank scene where julie is pretending like she's pitching to caroline and julie's and caroline's like well what are you gonna use the money for and she's like well i need to hire a manager i mean i'm the brand and caroline's like well you're definitely

not the brain and julie this is the part i really i really love this scene for some reason because caroline was being such an out of control cut fitness in this scene and julie was coming julie seemed in this scene at least to be like yes she's awful but i know she's awful and she's funny and smart and that's why i'm meeting with her and that's part her awfulness is part of that so i like all of it you know like she was coming from such a cute place where she is being so accepting of such a bitch so of course that warmed my heart you know I was like oh see people can be accepting of me

one day I'll have a friend to have lunch with darling thank you for the inspiration ladies of London on Toiletick so then everyone started getting ready for New Year's Eve because Juliet was hosting this thing where she's invited everyone because she's nice.

She's nice. And we saw Caroline Fleming for the first time this episode and she's like, I'm going to wear a long dress for dinner and then afterwards a short one for comfort. I was like, oh, that was a great arc for your episode. She's like, and with both, I will be wearing this queen

colored fur with a bow in the center. What? It didn't match the white dress or the comfortable dress. What are you wearing? You're not wacky by not matching. She's like, well, I'm not matching because in life, people don't match. And that's the joy of the season. So I will not match.

But we must match sometimes. We just must. We must. Here's some Fritos. I'm trying to see where I am. I'm still on balls because I wrote down Caroline's. No, no. It's my fault for not scrolling down, darling. I typed my notes today, so you know there's 20 pages of them. But I just wrote down Caroline

saying, this needs a different name darling you can't call it balls why don't you just call it something closer to home like sad sack hey if it's gonna need to be something about the testicles darling yeah it's like at least make it work scroll scroll uh you're definitely not the brain need more money okay juliet nervous okay juliet's makeup job so beautiful. I thought it was great. I mean, I think that all the makeup artists on every other Bravo show should take heed because every time, these women, every single woman on Bravo always has a session with a makeup artist.

I mean, like, they cannot do it by themselves. And everyone always acts like they're going off to the Oscars, okay? Do your own makeup for once, people. But that being said, they always get a ridiculous smoky eye and some crazy blush i mean i don't i don't even know i don't even know makeup but they always look like drag queens this is like the first time i was actually i agreed with you i was like she looks fantastic she yeah she really did and i don't usually notice me neither stuff like that like i'm not really that kind of gay even though i just criticized someone's thing for not matching but i guess i am that kind of gay but uh yeah i don't find myself noticing people's makeup jobs

but this one i was like whoa because they showed her being nervous about it like martha plimpton in that new year's movie where no one was going to show up but then they all did and then she got too drunk to enjoy the party and um she was like that really nervous, like a nerd inviting all the popular kids. She was kind of drawn like a comic book nerd character, you know, like really animated kind of semi-cross-eyed maybe. And then the makeup, I was like, oh, my God, she's gorgeous. She looked great. I liked her dress, too. She looked great. And then meanwhile, also Caroline was getting ready with her sister-in-law, who is her friend, too.

And she lent... I forget the woman's name, but Caroline gave her earrings. Oh, no, no, no, no. Someone else. Yeah. And she was like, if you lose these, I will literally remove an ovary and a child. And she will. Rainia's like, oh, I wish I still had my second ovary.

But I lost Caroline's earrings once. I'll never forget the day I lost an earring, Mom. I would have had someone to spend the holidays with. Bad news, Mom. Lost another set of earrings. I guess no children for me now. Here's the second ovary. You often are just a fool, Mom.

Everybody's lost your earrings. I lost me another set of earrings. Bad news, Mum. The entire country is now sterile, Mum. Everybody's lost your earrings. That's terrible news. Fire them! Fire all of them!

No lunch! No lunch for you, Valentina. Blame England. Do you at least have some jelly tarts for me? Oh, man. Pauline ate them all. Pauline. Forward.

Enter. Sit down. You're fired. Wacky. White cream and fur. That's my next note. White and cream and fur that's my next that's my next note white and cream and fur I don't know why I wrote that

oh probably because you because Caroline Fleming walked in well actually what I loved is that Caroline Fleming walks in and she's like kissing she walks up to I think it was Annabelle's friend and she they kiss they kiss on the cheeks like oh hello hello hello and then she's like I'm Caroline to, I think it was Annabelle's friend, and they kiss on the cheeks, like, oh, hello, hello, hello.

And then she's like, I'm Caroline. She hands out her hand. I'm like, if you don't know someone, don't you normally do the handshake first? You don't do the kiss on the cheeks? That's how they would expect me to do it, because I'm a royal, but I'm

one of the people, and to me, kissing before personality judgments, because we are all one. It's like kissing my own cheek. It's like cheekstabating. If we'd all spend more time cheekstabating,

there would be less laundry to do at the end of the week. Thank you. Cheekstabating. So, everyone arrived in the suites, and then they all went downstairs for dinner, and there was this beautiful table. Everyone was like, oh, this table's just absolutely beautiful.

Caroline Fleming was probably very confused. She's like, where are the massive structures in the middle of the table? Why is there not a bookcase on top of the table? I don't understand this table setting. Leave it up to royalty to be eating at a dinner where there's nothing to obstruct my view of another's face. Now I will not be able to judge

them by their spirituality alone, but only by their face. Also, I wanted to say, as a gay who's not ever noticing this kind of thing, because I'm not one of those, the dress on Caroline killed me.

It's like Jessica Rabbit, gorgeous va-boom. Her boobs were out. Looked fucking beautiful. Which Caroline? Non-hippie Caroline. Oh, yeah. I love her dress. Is that that white thing?

Yeah. Yeah, so beautiful. And when she was in there, husband came in he's like darling i forgot my trousers and she's like oh leave it because she was calling marissa she was texting marissa or something who forgot to get dressed i don't know she forgot her dress what a moron what an imbecile and then her husband's like i forgot my trousers isn't that i just find it hilarious that here i am going on about how stupid someone is for forgetting something

and then my own husband comes in here without trousers. Guess we better hire another nanny for my husband. Exactly. I just loved it. She's like, I can't do everything in the instructions department. I need an assistant to write instructions for the other

assistants. My husband won't show up without trousers. Pauline, Pauline, bring my husband his trousers. Pauline, Valentina, get the trousers out of your mouth. It was one lunch you had to skip, Valentina. Valentina, spit out the trousers.

Get your teeth off the trousers. Pauline, get the trousers out of Valentina's mouth. Valentina, Valentina, here's a hanger. Put your teeth off the trousers Pauline, get the trousers out of Valentina's mouth Valentina Valentina, here's a hanger Put your teeth around the hanger Chew, now chew Valentina Rainier You've got the body of a Simpson

You've got the body of Homer Simpson And the mentality of an Ethiopian Darling, you're not starving Alright Check your resources, darling. Pauline, we need these trousers to look good. All right, Pauline, fold. Fold again.

They brought me new trousers, darling, but Valentina ate a swatch out of the knee. She's like, what an imbecile. What an idiot. It's like I've hired a goat. Valentina, make me some goat's milk cheese. Pauline, milk Valentina. So stupid.

Rainia, ferment the cheese. Bad news, mom. The fridge doesn't work. I'm trying to see Juliet intros Gregor, who's turning red. That's what I wrote. What does that mean, Ben? Introducing her husband. I'm not sure. Grigor, who is turning red. That's what I wrote. What does that mean, Ben? Introducing her husband.

I'm not sure. Well, what I... Oh, God. Caroline was being awful. Oh, I guess because Juliet was trying to introduce herself to the new people. And she's like, I don't... Oh, no. She was introducing her husband to the royalty, you know. So she's like, this is my husband.

And she's like giving his resume. Oh, yeah. She's like... Caroline's like, this is my husband. And she's like giving his resume. Caroline's like, this is so typical of Juliet. I know the owner and Juliet knows the busboy. Yes. I actually laughed out loud when she said that. Because Juliet was saying, well, Caroline, you are actually from Denmark.

And my husband's been working in Stockholm. And her husband's like, well, you know, same general region. Like not everyone in all of Scandinavia knows each other. It's like being like, well, this person's from Florida and this person's from Wyoming. So, anyway, you guys should hit it off. Yeah. I have a gay cousin. Yes.

But what Caroline was saying was that Juliet is really eager to she's a social climber and she's trying to get in with Caroline Fleming but basically Caroline Fleming doesn't give a shit about the London social scene because she's actually royalty so she doesn't have to give a shit about the social scene so Juliet is basically barking up the wrong tree

and I loved actually how I love how Juliet and Caroline were quote unquote bonding because Juliet kept on saying these things about yoga. And Caroline Fleming was being so fake. And Juliet was like, you know, I feel like when we first met, we would be totally best friends. I think we're meant to be friends. But then I thought, I don't actually really know you, but I'm looking forward to getting to know you. And I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and I'm looking forward to talking

and Caroline Fleming's like, oh, we shall, we must. So patronizing. Oh, yes, darling, yes. We absolutely will become friends. Absolutely, darling. Lunch must do it. Let me know when they finally open a restaurant

that allows bare feet, and we'll be there together, darling. Until then, don't call me. And Julia's like, yeah, well, you know, we should hang out. Because, like, it would be so fun. Because, like, you like stuff. I like stuff. And, like, being happy.

And it's just, like, you smile. And I noticed it because, like, I look at myself. And sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, I like to smile, too. And then I was like, oh, my God, we should be friends. Because, you know, like, we both live in the same town. And, like, we're white. And, like, we know things. And, like, we have so much in common.

Do you get hungry? I get hungry, too. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. We absolutely have to be friends. Here, why don't you join my professional LinkedIn network? She's like, I just became friends with something called Jub. Do you know who Jub is?

I think it stands for Justine Bateman. But I don't know what her middle initial is. Is it Ursula? Justine Ursula Bateman, is that who it was from Family Ties? This is exactly the stuff I think about all day. We're going to have so much fun thinking about stuff like at the same time together. Oh, we must. We absolutely must.

Would you like me to bring some Cheetos on our play date? So good. And so then it turns to Julie. How did it turn to Julie? So here's what happened. Julie was like, guys, who's doing yoga with me at 10 a.m.? And everyone's like, no. She's like, come on, guys. Come on. And then Julia's like, oh, who's doing yoga with me at 10 a.m.? And everyone's like, no. She's like, come on, guys.

Come on. And then Julia's like, oh, did you see this picture? And then they look at a picture of, I think it was Caroline, but it could have been, I think it was Caroline doing like a bridge. And then Julie's like, oh my God, why did you not IG this?

So good. I don't know, Johnny. Why don't you just do it right now? An IG right now? Oh, my God. Do you dare me? Do you guys dare me to do an IG right now? Do you dare me?

Do you dare me to do an IG right now? Dare me. Oh, my God. She dared me. She totally dared me, you guys, to do an IG. She seriously did that. She was going off and then she goes to sit off with

her own camera crew and the reason I point that out is because it was hilarious watching the camera lights try to shift. It's like this big, huge moment. She's like, I'm going to take an IG, guys. And then she sits down somewhere else and starts taking off her shoes.

Don't triple-dog dare me! Yeah, because she's like, don't triple dog dare me. Yeah, because they were going to do a headstand there, her and Caroline Fleming. And she'd take her shoes off to do the stand. So then the big controversy of the episode, or the first big controversy happened. So they are doing their headstands, and Caroline goes immediately into the headstand. But Julie, she takes her time because she says, as an instructor, that's what you do. You've got to take your time because you're using your core more and it's harder.

So Caroline makes, I think, actually a fairly benign joke. She's like, I love how the yoga instructor is taking longer to get into the headstand. You know? Which was funny because it's true. Because, you know, we don't know. It was funny, but it was totally rude. And she'd been doing it the whole night to Julie. She thought it was the first thing. She was mocking her the whole night. She's like, oh, yoga. It was funny, but it was totally rude. And she had been doing it the whole night to Julie.

She had been. That's for sure. She was mocking her the whole night. She's like, oh, yoga. Oh, God, I'd rather stab myself

in the face with a... Yeah, I mean, Caroline's like, I've never been to a formal party where a lady gets on her head. I mean, this is just absolutely ridiculous. I'd rather be eating

a tub full of jub. I'd rather have a free lunch sign over my eyes and let Valentina eat them off while I'm still living. What a waste of time. Pauline, on your head. Now. All right, I'll be supportive.

Pauline, head. Valentina, is Pauline in the stock room? Tell her to come up here and get on her head Now you Valentina Whoever falls first is fired Go So they do this handstand thing And

Not to just completely Always stick up for Caroline Even though she's a total bitch I think she was really rude I don't think she was that rude Julie really never did get into the stand, which was awkward. She could not do it. And that was a long shot.

And Hippie Girl did it in two seconds. Her feet were like right up in the air, perfectly pointed up, doing a great one. And the yoga instructor couldn't do it. That's why it was meaner. She was like, oh, look at that. One did it before the before the yoga teacher like it was totally totally mean because poor julie just announced 20 times she's gonna do this for ig made everybody shift their attention for god knows how

long all of this took and never got into the pose and then was publicly mocked like it was embarrassing i don't know i didn't think it was a public mocking. I thought it was basically like, it's funny because the teacher was taking longer. I mean, it wasn't saying that she's a bad teacher. It just was funny. It was funny. I'm not saying it wasn't funny.

So then Julie lost her shit. She went to another room and she started sobbing. She's like, Caroline took such a dig at me. And by the way, that's my next product, DIG. It's going to go along with the job. It stands for Dainty Island. a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself.

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From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492,

Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen

early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Gunk. Grapefruits. Nancy Island grapefruits. Like, I'm gonna take a grapefruit, but I'm gonna turn it into a piece of bread because it's gonna go from a ball

to something flat. I mean, it's crazy. I'm just gonna keep changing the shapes of things. So then Annabelle goes to console her. Annabelle's like, there, there. And then... There, there. Rock and roll. You're crying as much as I cried when I lost Alexander.

She was literally, like, patting her on the head with, like, a fly swatter from two feet away. She's like I don't think she meant it like that. I was like, yes she did. What does it mean to me? I was a dick. I was a dick. Well, I don't know that.

She's like, stop crying before I put a dunce cap on your head. Then you'll know what real tears are. There's no chapter where a child jumps off a roof because someone made fun of a yoga pose, darling. Read the book. So then Love Caroline comes in. She's like, darling, I wasn't making fun. I didn't intend it like that.

It was a dig. And Love Caroline's like, suddenly the woman is crying like the Titanic has taken her children. So dismissive. Can't she realize that it may have killed many children, but it saved Kathy Bates? How many people does it take before there's one grateful human being on this planet? That's what I ask you.

Stupid lady straight ahead. We would have no misery if it weren't for Kathy Bates. And then on top of that, Caroline says, she's basically talking about Julie crying. She's like, you know, she could have ruined my entire night

if I wasn't me. That whole thing was hilarious because someone just wanting their feelings validated. Julie's crying and she's saying, I have my feelings hurt, that hurt, it was a dig, it was mean. She's like, no darling, it wasn't mean.

You're doing yoga at the end of the table. How is someone not going to comment on that and say something funny? It's not going to happen. But it hurt my feelings and it was a dig. Darling, all I said was your, and she's like, yeah, but you said that I was a yoga teacher and I didn't even know how to do the pose. She's like, yes, yes, I did say that, yes, yes a yoga teacher And I didn't even know how to do the pose And she's like yes yes I did say that

Yes yes I did But I didn't mean it like that She's like yes you did it was a dig She's like alright then that's enough I'm done I'm leaving now I'm very sorry the end And credits Rainia get in here and console Julie for me

Rainia get in here with a bunch of words And just scroll them up until she understands. It's credit! Julie, mom says feel better. Bad news, Julie. No one cares anymore. Poor Julie. And Julie just wants someone to be like, listen, I

really like you and respect you and I know you're working really hard and it's not easy being a fucking yoga teacher when you thought you were going to be royalty living in a castle. This sucks. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I love you. But, you know, you're asking a sand pit

for a glass of water to help you. It's just not going to happen. Yeah, no. It's British high society. They're not all about touchy-feely things. They just say, I'm terribly sorry. feel better, goodbye The end Pauline, console her Valentina, bring her tissues

Tissues Tissues Don't be a pussy Okay, love you That's the hug, don't be a pussy Julie, backbone Grow a pair. Grow a pair of jobs.

How about you unstrap a pair of those bowls from your knapsack in traffic and take them onto your lower regions, darling. Grow a pair, darling. Grow a pair of jobs, why don't you? Grow a pair of jobs, why don't you? That needs to be on a bumper sticker that no one will ever understand.

Yeah. I always feel like we're saying Juts, one of our listeners. Juts. Julie's unbelievable tea zebras. Juts is Jubs. So then it's like, happy new year. Everything is, like, okay with Caroline and Julie. This is just like when I was a kid.

Like, here we are. We're, like, on a Caroline. This is just like when I was a kid. Like, here we are. We're, like, on a balcony of a really fancy hotel. It's just like when I was a little kid. My family used to do this. Like, England. Yeah, fireworks in England. Yeah, wow. I was, like, a big kid.

Okay, take my picture. And then Marissa takes her picture, and she's, like, hunched over. hunched over she does this pose where she hunches on her upper thigh with her fist kind of a Greek cheerleading pose where you're the girl in the front and they're like hunch down girl in the front

so we can see the people in the back but there's no one in the back please never be less awkward darling Juliet's like this reminds me so much of when I was a kid because we weren't allowed To stay up late So we would watch

The fireworks from London Instead I'm like London is like Seven hours ahead of Chicago You're watching New Year's fireworks At 5pm

I mean that's That's absurd Stupid Just like my family Childhood And then we'd go to bed And we'd unbuckle our belts And just sit there

And stare at a wall and be like, wow, food, America. Yeah, and remember all those times we celebrated Christmas down in San Juan, wherever. We'd sit in our $57 million kitchen watching

football. Oh, Juliet. Please never change. I really actually like Juliet so much now. I know,iet so much now and i don't know how that happened because i used to want to just smack her but i love her now she's so ridiculous i love all of them now you know it is weird about spending time with people you don't like eventually you just start to like them so then caroline comes out now it's now it's the after party annabelle has disappeared it's probably that's after her old lady. She's like, I'm such a rebel. I'm going to sleep at 1202 like all rebels. So Caroline pulls out all these onesies, these really awesome onesies. Caroline's in a unicorn. She gives out a kangaroo,

which she calls a koala for some reason. And she says the reason why she does it is because Marissa's always pulling out these silly hats and whatever. Then Caroline goes, do I think I'm, do I think she's better than me in any way? Absolutely not. I'm better than them all. That's right, Mom. You're the best, Mom. You're the best, Mom. And I'm feeling best. Here's some more

jelly tots for you, Mom. There's one thing that I haven't been going on about, which I want to. First of all, the sister-in-law's name is Sophie. And we know that she's going to be amazing because they keep showing her even though she doesn't say anything. Well, she's beautiful. Oh, yeah, she is. The editors keep showing shots of her.

I mean, she's been in the past, I think, all the episodes. It's only episode three, right? Yeah. So she's been in all the episodes so far, but she hasn't said anything, yet they keep showing her. She's not like someone that they just ignore, like most of them. So we should have known she was going to be

fucking amazing. And sure enough, this episode is when she starts, and it all starts at the kiss on the balcony. It's New Year's, and everybody starts kissing. Sophie kissed people way too hard and way too long. Sophie kissed people way too hard and way too long. Yeah, I'm surprised.

Whoa, drunk lesbian. Yeah, I'm sorry, Ben. I was going to say, I'm surprised she didn't start making out with one of the gargoyles on the building. Like, hello, love. Come on, give us a kiss. Happy New Year's, gargoyle.

That was totally sorority lesbian. Like, we're so drunk we're gonna make out I loved it and then she proceeded to get more and more shit faced and they all got shit faced which was great and then as she got more and more shit faced she got more and more

belligerent and I was like this season is about to take a turn into amazing next episode she'll be really belligerent this was the fourth episode by the way and next week she'll be really crazy but before there was a there was a cliffhanger because caroline at one point is standing over juliet's husband in her like diet in her unicorn outfit and doing pictures and juliet's like wait are you struggling my husband that's not right there are certain boundaries and caroline's like not when you dress as a unicorn and your husband said he loved it she's like that's a to be continued you know it's a classic drunken argument yeah it was drunken and she was humping the husband

and the husband's laying there on the couch like he's lying down and his eyes are bleary-eyed and drunk and he's just looking on confusedly and And Juliet's like, look, I know you're funny and that's your thing. And you're like, ha ha, I'm funny. But that's my husband. I don't think that Juliet gets to talk about protocols. Social protocols. That's just not Juliet's wheelhouse.

Just be happy that you have fancy British friends right now. Yeah, and if somebody else is humping your husband, at least she's doing it on a couch in a living room instead of a restaurant, which would be violating your family's needs. Also, I mean, we could just do a whole thing on Caroline's

lines, but when she walked off, it was like, enough crying, I'm done goodbye and julie sat there sobbing like a mess in the hallway or whatever yeah they cut to caroline and she goes i don't know she should namaste her way out of this one oh she should have actually or she should at least corrected caroline or i don't know like they're she should she's the very thin skin she's very sweet i really love jul, but she needs to... You know, the thing is this.

I've been friends with Carolines before. I've been friends with people with very sharp, acerbic wits. And they do get you. They will get you. It's usually not a healthy relationship. And get out while the getting's good. You don't need Caroline. I mean, we love her

but i don't think i want to be friends with her in that capacity yeah well look as someone with a sharp tongue myself no but you're not the same listen i've really i've had i know that she's much more intelligent than but like as i tend to have the quality where i hurt feelings and don't mean to all the time and my friends really do i see them get not hurt but annoyed that and don't mean to all the time. And my friends really do. I see them get, not hurt, but annoyed that I don't shut up. Like, it's very difficult, I think, when you have a mouth sometimes like that, to not shut

up. It's difficult. You know, it takes some work, darling. And I do work on it, and Caroline doesn't. And that's why she's my hero, because she's like, I need to work on nothing. I feel plenty, and you're an idiot. Goodbye. I need to work on the thing. I feel plenty. And you're an idiot. Goodbye. Yeah.

I'm sick of watching you cry. I love her. I love her. Yeah, I do too. That's why she's my hero. Yeah. So let's move on to Below Deck. So we were going from, like we did last week, upstairs to downstairs.

Uh-huh. Let's do it, Pian. I love going downstairs. It's the up part. It's the horrible part. Thankfully, we're ending on this, and I can just sleep in the, what do you call it, the galley? The basement? Yeah, that's right, the galley.

Or something like that. Steerage. So, the episode began with Emil working his awkward game on Rocky again. Okay, you know what? Since today is a day of me saying what I've been wrong about, because I did it on Big Brother 2. Ben, you are such a smart

television watcher, I have to say. When you predict shit, you do it right every time. You're almost always right, and I'm never right, and it makes me jealous. What did I predict? In this case, last week, I was saying that Emil was just not into it. He was going to bed and she was pathetic and curled up in the fetal position on the floor.

And he was like, bye, bitch. And you're like, no, I think he likes her. I was like, no. Like I was being awful. You're so right. He does like her. He liked her that whole time. Ronnie, I wasn't predicting anything.

It was like blatantly stated on the show. And for some reason, I think you must have missed that moment because you were like, no, he hates her and she's desperate. I'm like, no, he was going for her. And she was like, please go away. She said the vibe I got. I didn't hear that. And the vibe I got from it was that he was he got so drunk because it was awkward. And then it got more awkward.

And then he was like, it got more awkward from when she jumped in the ocean. And he was finally just like, OK, you're in the fetal position i'm going to bed but that wasn't the case yeah no i misread somebody's emotional state what a shock you know what makes me sad on reality tv shows when there's someone like really hot and sexy and then over the course of the season, you realize that they are dorky and like in not the good way. And they they have no game and they suddenly cease being sexy. And you're like, oh, but you were so sexy and now it's gone. And that's basically Emil. He's like, hey, Rocky.

So your name's Rocky. How about you rock on my penis? Huh? She's like, nothing. Yeah. And even furthering that, when you start seeing through the like, when you get to know someone that hot and you start seeing through the cracks, it's amazing how your actual eyes see something physically different because he's just the same. Like the guy couldn't have changed too much physically from last week to this. But last week he was like perfect model,

beautiful looking to me. And this week I was like, he could use the teeth whitening. Like, it's so weird. Like these weird judgments come into my actual eyeballs. Like they're taking over the physical world. Yeah.

He, um, like when he first started on the show he just seemed like he seemed to me this tall strapping adonis of a man's like wow and you just see him so like you know it was just awe inspiring and now i'm like oh he looks so short he's so young and awkward and oh he's like a little like teenager it's like whoa he looks exactly the same but like my perspective has totally changed on him by the end of the episode um i really loved him because now

i see him as just a vulnerable yeah dodo bird even though it's not sex anymore he's just like oh sweet right like i tend to look at that guy and think that privileged fuck he's 20 he's gorgeous he's blonde like he has everything. And that's, you know, I tend to look at it from maybe like a resentful, bitter, jealous place. And then, like, actually getting to know him, I'm like, well, yeah, I mean, I guess he has some advantages,

but at the end of the day, he's just another insecure dude who just wants love, you know? Aw, cugs, everybody! Let's hug! I like Kate. Right at the beginning of the episode kate's like oh i mean he's so dumb i know i just did a shannon madora voice but you know i have only like three voices in my repertoire well if kate had found one of those rich married men to marry she might have been you know she might have had a bluetooth chandelier that she can

control from her iphone exactly meanwhile emile is announced announcing to i think it was to amy or someone that he he's gonna go to california because that's where rocky's family is it's like oh emil no no you no yeah rocky i'm gonna get a california to meet Rocky's family. Meanwhile, they show Rocky ironing and she's like, I hate him. I hate him so much. He's gross. Thanks for killing my vagina, Bona. I mean, the reason why she became a better laundry person this episode is clearly she'd rather be down there hiding away from a meal, doing laundry, than hearing his advances. And my snap judgments, of course, change again.

And guess why? Musicals! Look, if I'm calling you some failed dinner theater ensemble person, by the way, which is me, if I'm calling you that, it's usually because I resent people that are not singing during the day and being the stars that they are. And she's actually now, she's like, okay, my life sucks. So I'm just going to make it all fun. It's a musical.

Every time they show her, she's like, I'm ironing the shirt. In a small town in Oklahoma. No one loves me. When do I get married? And now I'm like, okay, I like you now. Good job. I'll have the salmon. Yeah.

I also liked Amy. She was doing really exciting things. For instance, we saw Amy slicing pizza. Say it again. Say it again. Amy was slicing pizza. And then we saw her playing Wii Tennis alone.

And losing. After the part, the Wii Tennis was my favorite because it followed the scene where Rocky comes in and she's like, Amy goes, how's your day? How's your date with Emil? He's so groovy and cute and handsome. How'd it go and rocky's like oh what a loser i mean this is a fail what a failure maybe i'll do eddie next yeah eddie was the first one to walk in the room he's like mallory has anybody seen mallory okay i'll go back upstairs and she's like oh yeah well maybe i'll do that guy now now. And Amy just drops her head because she likes him. And then

Amy's always losing. She's like, I guess I'll have another slice of pizza. And then it cuts to Amy playing the Wii, looking like she's flicking around her wrist angrily. I know. And losing, of course. I'm going to get this out on some tennis. She's like, I've been playing Wii tennis for five years and I still

can't win a game. Oh, wow. What a shocker. Even in Wii Tennis, I'm second place. Hey, why are all your Nintendo Mii characters talking about me behind my back? I'm sorry I'm not a good tennis player, but you don't have to talk about it. I just want to be part of y'all.

I want to be part of the tennis league. How come every time I'm trying to design my Wii character, there's not a hairstyle that works? I the heck eddie you want to play tennis with me no okay okay he's like i'm gonna actually go uh talk on the phone to my fake girlfriend in canada while she fake plays week so oh god oh eddie and his girlfriend they have such a terrible relationship I mean that's just gotta end right now I also liked Kate being angry at Leon again This was another episode where she was so annoyed at him

Cause I guess Well once again the charter guests Were like We'd like some lobster And he's like alright I'll make some beef cheeks She's like this is the second charter in a row that he wants to serve beef cheeks. This is the second charter he's serving beef

cheeks. How about doing something new like filet or a steak? I love Kate's idea of something new and groundbreaking. A filet or a steak or a cheeseburger. Anything. Not beef cheeks.

I love that you keep doing Shannon Bedore as Kate. I know. If you've got nine lemons, use one for a drink and put eight in a freezer in case some chef from a Walmart boat wants to come on and start bossing you around. Leon? Leon.

Well, actually, Shannon Bedore's like this and Kate is like this. Sort of. I don't know. I can't tell anymore. I think if Kate is more of like a countess who went without the ugh. Well, she speaks a little bit like this. I think that Kate speaks a little bit like this,

and Shannon speaks a little bit like this. So there is a difference between Kate and Shannon. Yeah, they're similar. I mean, all of my Shannon and all of those, they're all in the Chief Wiggum family. There's basically a spectrum of Shannon Bedore

and all my impersonations fall there except for Rain. Yeah, I basically have five character voices that I just tailor to each individual show. It's like color

by terrible numbers. Yeah, I have the Shannon Bedore spectrum. I have the Kristen Vanderpump rules spectrum. The uh sound. And then maybe have the Shannon Bedore spectrum. I have the Kristen Vanderpump rules spectrum. The uh sound. And then maybe one other.

Justice. Justice. Megan. And Chef Penny, which is really absolutely fabulous. Chef Penny is pretty much every British person. I mean, Caroline, Chef Penny, they're the same voice. It's a Vanderpump. Oh, so good.

And this one is getting more fun to mock because they are really just becoming so much more character-y and it's fun to watch because this show as i was complaining about big brother earlier i think this show is realer even if it's all written like even if the entire thing was basically outlined and written which it probably is it's realer to me because they really are in close quarters and they really are going fucking crazy. And they have to work and they have to do real work too. Yeah. That's why,

I mean, well, that's, but there are clearly people on the show that are there to work and then, cause they know how to work, et cetera. And then there's some that are purely cast like Rocky when she's like, I hate the laundry closet.

Like bitch, you're a maid, you're a maid. That's what you signed up to do. Okay. And this was a really amazing episode because it showed transition which usually doesn't happen and it shows real life transition i don't know if you've ever seen the horse whisperer

but that horse was a bitch okay and then robert redford came in and he was like like he was like in and he was like, shh, shh. Like he was like whispering. And he was like, shh. And the horse was like, hey. And like kicking people and stuff. And like that Kristen lady was all upset. And then Robert just kept whispering like Kate does. Like in her non-whisper. And he kept whispering.

And finally the horse is broken. You can fucking ride it. And that horse was ironing sheets by the end. It's like, I love ironing sheets. This is the best goddamn job I've ever had. I know. And Kate's like, oh, I didn't even realize this was a fitted sheet.

Good job. Yeah, and Kate, you see, Kate will give credit when it's due. She's like, you are amazing. These sheets are amazing. You're never leaving the laundry room. Congratulations. You're the best ironer ever.

Okay, I'm locking the door behind me. High five. Rocky's like, you're locking the door! I smell the beef cheeks! I felt like a man and now I feel like a main star! So then the guests arrive and you can tell immediately that they'll just be awful. You just

know. You look like the sort of people that would be on bar rescue or something like that. As the people, like, the bar needs to be rescued from. Yeah. They're like, we want Don Julio 1942. Kate's like, well, we don't have any Don Julio

1942. It's like, well, we need the Don Julio 1942. It was on a preference list. They were all basically Juicy Joe. Yeah. What? So what? Who cares? It's 1942. Where is it? So what? Who cares? Yeah, this bore basically spent the entire

episode opening beers with his teeth. And every time, Amy would be like, oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, gosh. You want to play some Wii? Oh, no. Never mind. Never mind.

Even I won't play Wii with you. I was just thinking, you know that this guy has amazing dental because he's rich. And he's cracking his fucking beers open with his... He must have, like, porcelain teeth, right? I don't think your real teeth can do that. I think if you do like an a i'm sure if you like get the right angle you just can but i still thought it was two broken really stupid pussy teeth oh darling i would never ever do that with my my delicate

teeth my teeth need to grow a pair of jubs yes Yes. Yes, I need some jubs on the teeth. Hey, Mom. Would you like me to open up your beer with my teeth? Bad news, Mom. Bad news. There's a jub stuck in the crack in your tooth, Mom. Bad news, Mom. I spoke to Nathan. He can't open your beer bar anymore with his teeth.

So, anyway, everybody. Anyway. I'm trying to see where i am because my notes are weird and i'm writing things down like no wonder i've never respected this boat and now that i think about it when i first saw the boat i was like there's something so seedy about this boat i think because it's like so 80s it looks very cheesy it looks like an old set from the Golden Girls. It's just not cute. Yeah, I agree. The real reason being is because the adult, well, not the, I'm sure there's another one, but the adult bookstore I knew is a teenager in El Paso, Texas, which was where I first saw disgusting perverts all over the place, where I really understood what a disgusting pervert is. Not that anybody who goes to a bookstore is one all right you know what i mean everybody so some of you are non-disgusting perverts like me i still go you know you've got to get your loop somewhere darling the target loop will have you feeling like a letter being lit you know it's like horrible glue

i hear those adult bookstores are the number one retailers of jobs where else are you gonna fuck a job so the uh where else are you going to fuck a jub? So the... Where else are you going to swallow a pair of decent, healthy jubs? Blowjob. So anyway, the adult bookstore there is named Eros, which is the name of this boat, and it's all over everything. It's the, you know,

it's the logo on everything. And now I'm like, oh, that's why, because you're a dirty bookstore on Airport Boulevard. Damn it! Damn it. I like the boat from last season more. Yeah, this one feels a little cheesy. You know, because they always do a tour. Every single episode, it's like we've never seen the boat before. They're like, oh, here's the master suite, and here's the Sky Lounge, and here's this.

Everything looks very 80s. I agree. And the master suite, the quote-unquote two-floor master suite, it's just there's a staircase to get up to the bed. That's it. It's not like there's a loft or something like that. So I reject that. The bathrooms have to be a little bit smaller, but we do still have

three tiles on the floor, and each one of them has a picture of Pat Sajak's face. So enjoy peeing. Yeah, baby, pee. Yeah, baby. And here in our Sky Lounge, you'll see our wall of glass bricks. It's a very modern touch. Glass bricks.

With some purple highlights. Over here, you will see half of a Volkswagen Beetle that has been chopped in half and glued to the wall, so it looks like it's crashing out of it. We call this room the Gatsuk's room. Please feel free to enjoy the t-shirts. And we really hope that you enjoy our asymmetrical furniture in the shapes of triangles and squares and circles.

And of course, our checkerboard floor is a big attraction to many people. Listen, we want you to know that we don't want the title of the room to think you can take it. It's rooms to go, but in the end it stays here. So just wanted to get that ground rule out there. So yeah, the guests were like, where's the 1942?

And I was actually very surprised because Kate, who's up everybody's ass all the time about being the perfect stew forgot she didn't buy she didn't forget it she just said that a lot of times people put things on their preference list and they usually don't ask for them so if it's not something necessary she's just like fuck it i don't buy it yeah yeah that was a little surprising uh because she's normally a stickler for that she always is is coming down on Leon for that kind of stuff. But then Big Drummer, there was another issue with the fender. Every episode, there's an issue with the fender. And this time, Emile got the fender in the way of Captain Lee.

He's like, get that fender out of the way. I can't see. Can't see behind. Get that fender down. And there's a commercial break. It was like, will they be able to get the fender down? Will the yacht crash into the dock? It's like horror music. What's going on out there? We're about to get the fender down will the yacht crash into the dock it's like horror music

what's going on out there we're about to hit the dock alright what's going on get that thing out of my face get it out of my face get it out of my face we're gonna die who's untying the rope god damn it

we're gonna die every episode they play like the terminator music and they're I said, oh, we're going to die. We're all going to die. Every episode, they play, like, the Terminator music. And they're like, there's a buoy. We got to clear the buoy. All right. We have an entire bay. We just have to make sure we don't hit that one buoy. And it's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

The buoy's coming. All right. There's a buoy. Get there. Oh, I really should have been there because the buoy's coming. God, get the fin out of the way. There's a buoy coming. I need to see the buoy.

I can't get the buoy. And then they're like, all right. Good job, everyone. We didn't hit the buoy. And there's, like, 300 feet between them and the buoy. I can't hit the buoy. And then they're like, alright, good job, everyone. We didn't hit the buoy. And there's like 300 feet between them and the buoy. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.

I'm back. That's the captain starring in The Terminator to me. Yeah. Hasta la vista, baby. Hasta la vista. Hey, John Connor, I'm gonna to give you a one-way ticket off this boat into death, because I'm

a Terminator. He's a very, uh, he's a Terminator who really likes to really elaborate on his plans. Kate's Linda Hamilton. So good. Okay, so we knew this episode was going to be

an odd one, because it opens talking about weather. And that's never a good start to a conversation. So I was really scared of the episode, but we're like halfway through now and I've really enjoyed it so far. Well, actually, so now there's big news because a new deckhand arrived. His name is Dane and he shows up on the boat

and the women are all up on the upper deck looking down. It was like a recreation of the Diet Coke commercial with Lucky Vannis or whatever his name was. What? What was it? Tell me about the commercial. I need to look it. It was a super famous commercial from the 90s where it was like 12.30 p.m. Uh-oh, it's time for that construction worker to take his Diet Coke break.

And this hulky, beautiful supermodel with his shirt off drinks his Diet Coke and all the women watch. And they're like, oh. It's, of course, one of the best commercials of all time. Yeah, I remember now. I didn't remember it was about Diet Coke. And that's what you get for selling sex with your commercials. That's right. Once I climax, I never think about it again until it's next time to climax. Sorry diet coke i don't break i don't go buy sodas when i've got a boner

i mean well kate got a boner she's like he's cute you know he's very pale but once we give him once we get him a tan he'll be really cute we're gonna get him a tan i was like okay okay you know you just need to calm down calm down kate was so thrilled with the new boy and he is cute um but those girls were falling all over themselves so funny yeah what do you think he's like what do you think he does he plays wii tennis oh i got a controller right here in my bouffant you want to play well i finally played wii tennis with him and when he had to say 14 love he refused to say love I mean what is it about me he just kept saying zero I was like love

all and he's like sorry deuces and I was like what do you mean so um then we see the guests the guests are like meanwhile the guests are out on the island they're on land and uh the classy guests that they are they're getting funyuns and opening more bottles with their teeth Meanwhile, the guests are out on the island. They're on land.

And the classy guests that they are, they're getting Funyuns and opening more bottles with their teeth. And meanwhile, on the boat, Leon has decided to make dinner early. Because he says this whole thing like, well, you know, I'd like to be ahead of it or whatever. So Leon makes dinner early. Yeah, and Kate's like, well, the guests are not here yet, so, you know, why are you making dinner? He's like, well, you know, we need more communication.

If you're going to, you know, I'm cooking, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All that zero communication. You can't just not tell me to cook something and expect me to stop cooking and not cooking yet. What are you talking about? Communicate. She's like, I never communicated that it's time to start dinner

which is the point he's like well i guess this all starts in the oven and drying out all right well it's your fault she's like i don't see how it's my fault that you started to cook dinner early so then of course this is perfect reason for kate to drag out her favorite talking point against leon she's like well a yacht charter chef would never do that he's used to cruise ships we have a schedule he's a cruisy yep oh you've got to love made pride Dunning I love it you know I'm standing there screaming made fight made fight and Amy's gonna get in here bring the dustbuster Valentina reheat Paulineine, freeze it. All right, I want you both to set the micro time at the same time.

And then I want to see which goes off first. Press start. Start. Pauline, take Valentina's food and put it in the freezer. Valentina, you wait there until it's frozen. Then, Pauline, you defrost it. And if it doesn't stand the test of defrosting, then you're both fired. Well, Pauline, it's like the Walmart of microwavers.

Bad news, man. Food got some frostbite. Oh, good. Think you mean some freezer burn? Yes, man. I meant freezer burn. Get off my ship. Drown.

Drown. Slowly. Slowly. Deeper. Slow. Renya, slower. Renya, you're taking breaths. Don't fight.

Silent. Silent. Air is water. Let life go. Drown. Drown. Valentina, save Renya now. silent air is water let life go drown drown Valentina save Renya now resist the gag reflex

drown Pauline resuscitate Renya and Valentina alright now you all just sit here and think about what you've done

get off my yard now get in the little boat. You can take a fender if you want, but better be inflated when I get back. Guys, I got someone hanging off the side of the boat. I got a chubby lady in glasses holding onto a fork full of chicken salad

hanging off the side of the boat. Get it out of my way! Guys, I think that Igor is on one of our lifeboats. Can you please get Igor off off lifeboat? A boat with a Valentina attached to the side crashed into a dock, where

a man was trying to take the cap off a bottle with his teeth, and the shaking forced him to gouge out his own eyes. Story at five. Valentina, here's what I want you to do. I want you and Pauline to go down to steerage, gouge out his own eyes. Story at five. Valentina, here's what I want you to do. I want you and Pauline to go down to steerage, gouge out your eyes, and curl into a ball, all right?

Good. Where's our 1942? No, you don't have 1942? Where's our... Oh, that's what we wanted. You ruined our trip. Where's our 1942? We would be happy if we had 1942. Oh, it's all over now.

Where's our 1942? How y'all doing today? We don't have 1942. We would be happy if we had 1942. Oh, it's all over now. What's a 1940? How y'all doing today? We don't have 1942. Well, sometimes people make these things. They're called mistakes. They don't mean to make them, but you just accept them. You say, it's okay, and you pat them on the head and tell them they're pretty, even if you don't want to date them.

1942. 1942. Hey, the show. I love 1942. I hate this show. I love it. Meanwhile, by the way, it's funny they're saying that about Amy because after the whole Leon thing with starting dinner too early, Amy and Kate were talking about it.

Amy's like, hey, he's a little too fire happy. And Kate just goes, trigger happy. You are so cute. The hand thrusters made it. Really made it. You're just,

you're really adorable, Amy. Could you redo the batteries in the Wii remotes I don't know how they charge down so quickly but could you do that oh I was playing by myself oh of course you were well that's why only one handle is dirty please just go wipe that one down with then just make Rocky do the rest

so then ask Rocky to iron the Wii I'm gonna iron a wii hey where hey y'all where's the wii remote i threw it in the ocean so um then we saw eddie texting with his girlfriend being like hey where are you and then um rocky was flirting with dane and this is when Emil's like, I don't get jealous. I'll just back off and the girls come back to me.

Yeah, because most of the girls you give attention to are needy and I don't know. It's not like you're picking the supermodels, darling. Sometimes you pick the hungriest person because you know they're going to eat the biggest plate of your food. Darling, just because Rocky goes on a boat with the people to the mainland and they come back

does not mean that she's coming back for you, okay? They're just trying to get back on the yacht. He's like, last time I saw her, she was going in the fetal position, which means she wants me to impregnate her with a baby. I'm so handsome. Crawl back, just like a baby. Babies.

Babies try and leave me, and then they end up crawling back. Because babies don't know how to walk, Emil. Hail that to a baby babies babies try and leave me and then they end up crawling back because babies don't know how to walk a meal baby you know you've never seen a boomerang that didn't love me every time i throw on it always comes back to me they just love me those boomerangs yeah it's like a letter you put it you forget to put a stamp on you know you send it it just keeps coming back to me You forget to put a stamp on. You know, you send it, and it just keeps coming back to me. You ever see a yo-yo?

Oh, don't worry about it. It comes back to my hand. So then Leon and Kate are still bickering a little bit, and Leon's like, yeah, that could be more communication. And Kate's like, yeah, we'll work on a communication to each other. That's a great idea, Leon. Great. Maid fight continues. Medfight continues. Medfight.

It's like, I've got a spatula, and you've got a Swiffer Sweeper. All right, spatula wins. Get out of my face, mongrel. Spatula. Spatula wins. Rock, paper, spatula. That spatula still has the QE2 logo on it. Tacky. That's not a yacht spatula. Like, that spatula still has the QE2 logo on it. Tacky.

That's not a yacht spatula. Newsflash, the queen couldn't afford it to take this yacht out. Okay. I think anyone who's worked on a yacht knows that you don't use a spatula, you use a fish turner. So then Dane, so then it's at night and the guests want dane to get in

the hot tub and dan's like yeah i'm a water baby i'm like oh no not another one of these water babies i have two of them no one like each other because i grew up you know like wealthy and like my like everything was cool and then like instead of going to college i was like you know what yachting is like it's a channel and it's a channel into like everything and like so that's why i like did it you know like otherwise i'm chill and like like surfing i cracked up i was like you don't say darling you like surfing i'm i'm shocked yeah i Like, yeah, pretty much just like chilling, surfing. I was like, yep.

Yep. Didn't see that one coming. So then Dane gets into his bathing suit and it's like, oh, Emil's totally going to rat him out. And sure enough, Emil rats out Dane. And then so Dane doesn't get in the hot tub. And he's like, that's probably a smart idea. You want to play some Wii Tennis with me? No, no.

Okay. Okay. You're not going to be ableennis with me? No? No? Okay. Okay. You're not going to be able to beat me on the Wii if you're fired. Think about that way. You want to do Wii Hot Tub? It's a game I've been working on. Wii Hot Tub. Oh, well, we'll have to wait for Rocky to get out of there.

She's like, anybody know I'm in here? More tensions rise Between Kate and Leon Because then Kate continues to talk about Leon Leon's like in the next room over And Kate's like, he has been on a cruise ship He has not been on a yacht He's been on cruise ships

And he doesn't know anything He doesn't know anything about it If he were on a yacht, he wouldn't understand our culture And then Leon's like, well, you know He's a real nice guy, and I like him I think he does a great job I'm going to well, you know, he's a real nice guy, and I like him. I think he does a great job. I'm gonna stick up for him. He's a good guy. Yeah, Leon's listening in on everything.

Amy must love that. She's like, oh, my favorite thing to do is listen to when people are talking about me and then being mad at them. Y'all talking about me right now? No, no, alright. And Kate doesn't even bat an eye last year. She's like, well, I'm glad you're friends. Hopefully I can get you a coupon for whatever buffet-style dinner they have on a Walmart ship.

Okay, enjoy that. Have fun. Yeah. You guys can go to Costco together and get those $1.50 hot dogs and have a great little friend date. Oh, just a word of advice. If you're going to go there, they don't have bags, so you might want to take your own.

Yeah, that's something that Leon probably doesn't know on the cruise ship. We always carry a bag on yachts. So what else even happened in this? That was their fight. Kate called around until she got the $14.92. She's like, whatever.

I am dedicated, and I will find it. And she did. She did, and they were all very impressed. It was very dramatic. It arrived. Oh, my 1942. You guys is the best. I love you guys.

1942. Look, guys. They got 1942. Oh, 1942. Wow, 1940, you guys, 1942! And then he proceeded

to uncork it with his teeth. He has no teeth by the end of this episode. And then they left and this guy gave them a huge tip of $25,000, which was pretty cool.

And then it was, Then we segued into Eddie having drama with his lady. He hasn't heard from his lady. It's like, you know, you guys are so dysfunctional. She's clearly out cheating on you. I think he's going to be cheating. That's my prediction.

He should. He was in the hot tub with the captain and they were because everybody got the night off so he spent prediction he should he was in the hot tub with the captain and they were because everybody got the night off so he spent some time with the captain in the hot tub and uh they're talking and he's talking about his relationship and the captain goes yeah nah look a relationship you're you're supposed to be in a relationship because they're supposed to be happy okay my wife you know she doesn't say a thing about anything. Because she knows that, you know, that's what it is. That's it.

She would never put a fender in my way. She knows to keep them off the side so I can see the buoy. You know, if there is a fender there, you know what she does? She moves it. That's it. There's no, you know, there's no unhappiness. She does it and I'm happy. And that's the end. You know, it's a relationship and alex is like yeah he's my

mentor i'm gonna cheat on my girlfriend i don't know what ends up happening yeah he's basically like yeah you know she cheated on me and you know where everything's like we have a pretty fucked up relationship but you know she means a lot to me i'm like yeah sounds like it it's like who else are you gonna yell at oh relationship trouble i know so then speaking of relationship trouble the whole gang except for captain lee goes out to mainland they go to a they go to a bar and they're having fun and dancing and emil like rocky is like hanging with dane and emil keeps on trying to get with rocky and because emil is so smooth this is the line he uses on her. I wanna fuck you so bad.

Great. Great, Emil. Great work there. I wanna fuck you up tonight real bad in every hole, every pore, okay? I wanna stick my penis in your vagina. How about that? And we'll do it in California in front of your parents. I'm making a finger gun. I'm gonna finger bang ya. Get it? Yeah, that's right.

She's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ex that's right. She's like, ah, exit stage left. She's like, oh, I'm you. You're a good guy. But I don't like you because you didn't have sex with me when I was ready. She's like, Brigadoon, Brigadoon. I'm going to disappear for 12 years, Emil. She's like, just because it's not Act Two doesn't mean you can wear the same costume. When you meet a guy.

Sorry. I need a man with a change of shirts for different nights out on the town. for different nights out on the town. For it's good old reliable Emil. Emil, Emil, please go away. Bye. Oh, Emil, poor guy. I know.

He's on top of the world and now he can't even bottom it. He's on top of the world, but not on top of Rocky. Now, my question is this. Then the episode ended, but last week the previews showed Emile and Dane fighting over a bracelet that Emile's sister gave him

and it was not in the episode. So where is the bracelet controversy? That's what I would like to know. And I think no one else wants to know. So anyway... I didn't even notice that, the bracelet controversy. Whose bracelet? Well, Dane made a joke and in the preview, Emile's like, no, my sister gave me that bracelet, so you know what? You really have to in the preview emil's like no my sister gave

me that bracelet so you know what you really have to be quiet he's like oh sorry oh because i think he was like um that bracelet's dumb i think it was probably something totally simple and he's like my sister gave me that bracelet and also you're having sex with the girl i wanted to have sex maybe next through my sister's bracelet. I went back and I watched the preview and it definitely was there. So maybe it'll be next episode or I don't know. So anyway, that's it for this episode. We have covered, oh man, so much.

We've been talking for three hours straight, including the bonus episode, which you should listen to. And guess what? We're reconvening in three hours from now to do our live hangout so everyone excited i'm excited i'm so excited i just can't hide it thank you everyone for listening if you uh by the time you get to the end of the to this point in the podcast the hangout's probably over but um who knows so thanks everyone follow us facebook.com forward slash

watch for crap and subscribe to us on iTunes that would be lovely if you could do that subscribe to us or on Stitcher or on SoundCloud

thank you to everybody who has been linking reviews and stuff love you guys we do we love you all and that is

that is all that's all so bye everyone bye boing Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the Internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger.

Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. We'll be right back. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here. And it's funny. And I love you. On Monday, Josh Leibarger made his status, Case of the Mondays, followed by a frowny face. It got one like and five comments, including dislike.

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