Watch What Crappens - #224: Truth, Justice, and Lettuce Cups

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

There's a tempest in a lettuce cup this week on "Real Housewives of Orange County." Shannon and Vicki are drifting, Brooks has a dubious medical record, and Tamra loves Jesus, betch! Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) and Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) break it all down — every. last. detail. Then it's on to the "Married to Medicine" reunion, which is, you know, a disaster. Come listen! You can support us on patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Like us on facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens And subscribe to us on iTunes! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much What Crappens is brought to you by our premium Patreon subscribers, Claudia Catalina and Christy Daugherty. Yay! Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker from theb-sideb.com and also from the banter blender uh and joining me as always is this super funny super caffeinated and super ensconced in his couch desk ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com what's up ronnie hello ben how are you how's the couch desk treating you Ronnie. Hello, Ben. How are you? How's the couch desk treating you? Knowledge.

Knowledge. I'm right now, I'm leaning back into knowledge, Ben. There's like a big divot in knowledge right now. Is your couch just full of truth as well? Truth and justice and knowledge? Yeah, I'm flattening the truth in this couch, man. Knowledge. Well, did you hear that what was it it was a thumping i was like a ghost over up to i wonder if people on the podcast it was a poltergeist it was a poltergeist on the podcast

i didn't hear it which means it was probably me uh it's the sound of Megan knocking for more knowledge Knock knock It's Megan I have some questions for you Knock knock, who's there? I don't know, why don't you tell me, I'm looking for knowledge We wish you a merry Knowledge We wish you a merry justice

We wish you a merry truth And a happy Cancel lie And a happy Cancer lie And a happy Fake phone call pretending I'm someone with cancer So I can get information on someone I barely know Justice So anyway, the big news is that

Today is National Coffee Day And in case you couldn't tell, Ron and I have been drinking coffee That's because we were just recording Our bonus episode for the week Which was, wow So fun and I have been drinking coffee. That's because we were just recording our bonus episode for the week, which was, wow, so fun. We were just bonkers. I was ranting.

I was ranting. I told a story about swimming and an altercation I got into with an old man. We talked about buying things. We talked about humanity. Ronnie talked about meeting Adrienne Maloof and his interaction with with her so I know everyone wants to hear that and then my fascinating interaction I was like hi and she was like hi okay bye now selfie

bye and then we talked about 15 minutes about Patti LaBelle and mac and cheese so if you want to hear the bonus episode we do one every week it's available to people who support us on Patreon patreon.com forward slash watch for crap ends you just go over there and you can pledge like a dollar an episode and whatever you want to do um you'll see how what you can do over there there are a lot of different options and then you can get access to the bonus episode and a whole

lot more like ringtones etc etc um so go there for that facebook oh wow we are over 4900 likes on facebook facebook.com for slash watch where crap ends we are really really killing it there we're almost at 5000 so like us there and for the rest of our social media including our brand new vine page we're putting up really funny videos go to watch where crap ends.com and see the links to vine and instagram and twitter yeah uh now of course one thing you can do aside from by the way subscribing go to watch for crappens.com and see the links to vine and Instagram and Twitter. Uh, now of course, one thing you can do aside from, by the way,

subscribing on iTunes, uh, and stitcher is, uh, with Patreon, we have a few slots with some premium slots. Um, and,

uh, every week we give a shout out to our premium subscribers, a week, which, you know, are Claudia Catalina and Chrissy Dougherty. At this point, I've actually memorized their names. I don't have to look at the sheet of paper. Claudia Catalina. They are our sugar mamas. But there's a new lady in town. All right?

Because we have our first ever super sponsor, super premium whatever we're calling it. Super sponsor. And this is actually a surprise for her. She doesn't even know she's a super sponsor. This is a birthday surprise to Jessica Halford Porter. Jessica. Jessica. Birthday.

The Notorious J.H.P. Your husband, Kevin, bought you a super premium sponsorship. And he wants us to give you a birthday shout out uh because he says he says quote she's my beautiful kind smart and fun baby i love her and she means the world to me oh that's so sweet not only does your man listen to a bravo podcast with you but he contacts it for you i mean that's pretty good. That's dedication. It makes me believe in love.

I hope right now you guys are in the car and you're driving and it's sunset and you're looking at beautiful scenery and there's a tear in your eye and you guys are rubbing each other's legs and then you look each other in the eye but don't crash because... Yeah, keep looking straight ahead. Straight ahead.

Pull over, pull over. Pull over. And then just look at each other deeply, and then say something really rude, and then keep driving and pretend it never happened. Ronnie and I will serenade you like little animals in a Disney movie. Na, na, na, na, na.

Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. Okay, I hope you're done kissing. So, Jessica, congratulations, okay i hope you're done kissing um so jessica congratulations and thank you for being our first ever super sponsor and really we should thank kevin kevin thank you for being a wonderful and adorable husband thank you for sponsoring jessica's thank you for making me believe in love you believe we're believing in love so happy birthday happy but it's a little early i think i think that jessica's birthday is a little bit oh her birthday is on october 1st so happy

early birthday happy birthday you guys so jessica right now i realized that when i sat down before the show i had some string cheese and i put it on my lap and i forgot about it and it was under my stomach fold and i like between my lap and my you know belly and um right now i picked it up and ate a piece but there's like little hairs and it's making me wonder how did i get eyelashes on my belly but there you go there you go you had a little panini press on your mozzarella stick. If we didn't open romantically, let that be your gift. Yeah. Our gift to you is that we are basically taking, we're basically turning this podcast into discussions about you.

What's your favorite thing about Jessica? What's your favorite thing about Jessica? I love that she'll still love me, even though I'm still eating furry string cheese. Will you still love me for the rest of your life? You can go on. So talking about real love, why don't we move into Orange County? Yeah, let's Mary J. Blige this real love and get to the OC, bitches.

So, this week, before we begin discussing about the actual show, because we do talk about the, well, I guess we can get to this when we talk about the cancer. Justice. Because it's just an article that was posted that's all about the T. And it was posted to our Facebook page, so thank you for posting that. That's where I get all my news. Knowledge. Knowledge.

Knowledge database on our Watch What Crappens page. The title is like, suck it, bitches. Proof. Oh, no. It's called. That was Big Brother. Sorry. It's a call.

I'm getting my dumb blonde bitches messed up. This is called By Haters. Brooks Ayers provides proof. All caps. He has cancer. Medical records revealed. So it Ayers provides proof, all caps. He has cancer medical records revealed. So it's like, oh, my God, there's actual records. But it's just like screenshots of the thing. And it's like, yeah, now everybody can suck it because it's true.

And the comments are so good. Oh, yeah. I've read that. This document is a fake. I've done medical transcription for over 15 years and if this is a real report the transcriptionist needs to be fired i can't believe this is real i've seen cancer up and i've seen cancer up and close this is not even close to the real deal rihanna is an rn she's also had her own personal bout with cancer she knows

that one yeah i'm behind that one, that concert. You win, Tart Lemon. Tart Lemon victorious in all the comments. You did it! Your special prize is this half-eaten string cheese with belly button fur. For someone who's so tart,

your comment certainly is sweet. Sweet comment, taut lemon. Yeah. So there you go. Breaking news. That was a little bon mot for Jessica, the birthday girl. You're welcome. Circle those wagons.

Circle it back. That's right. So I guess we'll get to talking about cancer. It's real. Cancer is real. It's a real thing. Like there's real people in the world and they have real cancer okay it's not like fake people with fake cancer it's like a fake cancer hashtag fake cancer justice no justice oh god i can't wait for the justice justice league to come

out she is gonna have an orgasm yes it's a movie about my favorite thing justice and leagues knock knock knock hi i'm gonna support my justice league it's only five cents per mile i fly in the name of justice i'm in a fantasy justice league i get five points every time justice is served even if it's just fantasy justice it still feels good to play hey i got your fantasy justice results um you've been diagnosed with um not cancer okay i really like fantasy justice because normally i used to only care about my justice but this gives me a stake in other people's justice i thought i might have cancer so i went to the doctor because that's what normal people do and then when i got the report it said no justice i don't know who to bench or who to start who to start on my fantasy justice team

do i do i start brooks's cancer or do I start Obamacare? I don't know. If you've had three kinds of cancer, who's the linebacker? Look, football. I got in there, you see? You did. You did, even though linebackers aren't right. I don't know.

Don't say it. No. No. No. I learned this weekend from my cousin-in-law. Is that a thing? I learned from him that the left linebacker is the most intelligent person on a football team.

You're welcome! Hashtag knowledge. I really like left linebackers because they pursue knowledge the most. They actually use knowledge when they play football. Knowledge. Justice.

Yeah. Punter justice! Punter justice! I love touchdowns because Justice. Yeah. Punt the justice. Punt the justice. I love touchdowns because it's like a big moment of justice all at once. Justice punt. I always spike a ball whenever someone gets justice. Vicky's new vodka should be called Vicky's pigskin justice. Vicky's bloody vodka should be called Vicky's pigskin justice.

Vicky's bloody pigskin justice. Okay, there was an actual episode on this week. And it was about justice. Okay, let me open my notes. We're only 30 minutes in. I'll get the notes. All right. Well, I can start with my notes because I took about open my notes. We're only 30 minutes in. I'll get the notes open. All right, well, I can start with my notes because I took about a million notes.

I want you to type things onto a page, darling. We'll call them notes. It's going to revolutionize the industry! Put it on happy hour, darling. Here, Chef Benny, here's a word processor from 1988. Type everything you think right on it. Okay, go. Let it in the word processor, darling.

All right, Chef Benny, here's some Bank Street Press. All right, type something in it. We'll make them eat word processor, darling. All right, Chef Penny. Here's some Bank Street Press. All right? Type something in it. We'll make them eat their words, darling. Literally. Literally. Now I want you to print out this thing on Print Shop and put a banner on top of the restaurant that says,

Congratulations, tuna for everyone. We'll get a stencil made. Pandy will be out there. Max will probably try and sniff it. Don't tell him we're doing it. You know, have him clean table number 10 again. Chef Penny, I want a new menu. I'll put it on the Wang computer.

You can print it out. Chef Penny, I had to watch Supermarket Sweep to find out what we were serving this weekend. Could you, you know, get me a letter, darling? Chef Penny, have you been able to fix the Compaq computer, please? I think there's some instructions on Prodigy if you dial in. Oh, darling, don't use the IBM.

Camille has that. She's very sensitive, darling. Penny, Penny, don't you realize that when you get to this part of the program, you have to take the disc out and turn it over and put it back in to get to the rest of it? God, I could teach you everything, Penny. Floppy disk. They've

named someone after canonized sex life. Oh, darling! Penny, what the hell are you doing? You can't put your finger in the middle of the floppy disk. It'll ruin it. It's awful. That's not how you rewind a floppy disk, Penny. Alright, Penny, I'm going to put

a turtle in the middle of the floor, and you log on to logo, alright? And then what you do is you just tell the turtle how far you want it to go. It'm going to put a turtle in the middle of the floor And you log on to logo, all right? And then what you do is you just tell the turtle how far you want it to go It's going to make a big diagonal line across pump It'll be wonderful, revolutionary All right, rotate 10 degrees, make another line Now! Flesh Roomba's coming through

Ken, darling, you're a shade off from Jiggy Get back in the closet, darling All right, Penny, this is going to blow your mind I got something that's called a mouse darling. You're a shade off from Jiggy. Get back in the closet, darling. Alright, Penny, this is going to blow your mind. I got something that's called a mouse. It's not a real mouse, so don't worry. We're just going to plug it into the computer and it's going to be able to point at things. Wonderful. Revolutionary. It's poor pickles. Crossover!

Why are we, how do we get on to Chef Penny controlling old computer technology? I don't know, but that's a really bad sign for this episode. Or an amazing sign. Amazing sign. Okay, so, speaking of dinosaurs,

it's date night on the OC. Am I, like, good enough? Like, am I, like, batch? Am I, like, like, not a batch enough to become a Christian? Batch. That's how they open. They're like, previously not a batch enough to become a Christian? That's what they open. They were like previously on the real house side.

But like, would Jesus think I'm hot? So the first scene is it's Shannon and David going on date night. And so they go to one of these restaurants on the, on the water. And Shannon's very excited. Wow. Nice date night, wow David, David, is this ocean for me? How many missions have you shown the ocean? David, David. Well, we've been waiting in the

parking lot for five hours for the sun to set but I will admit that it's very good lighting on negative thought number 37 which is crossing my vision right now so perfect timing, David. Yes, dear. You know, David. Yes, dear. You know, David, for our date night, I would have appreciated if you took me somewhere where I would not be blinded by the sun and lose my vision even more. But I guess that's what you don't care about.

Sorry, dear. I've ruined the sun. I'm sorry, dear. Let's call a meeting. David, I do wish you would have told me we would be dining al fresco. I would have put on some SPF 30, but I guess you don't care about my skin and any future melanomas. David? David, apparently you don't read signs because it's sunset, and that's what we're trying to avoid in this relationship.

Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by a sunset while her husband tried to romance her. David, I thought you knew that I like sunrises, not sunsets. Blinded by the Orange by Shannon Bedore. It started as a wonderful day, only three negative thoughts by 8.07. And then the hill started to decline. David, thank you for bringing me to this date where I can be reminded that the days are getting shorter just like our relationship.

David. Chapter number four. A thumb up my butt. Sorry, dear. Slash sorry, dear. David, I can't help but wonder if you, when it's daylight savings time, how much daylight do you save for me?

David? David. David left at midnight and he came back at midnight. I didn't think anything of it until the next night at sunset because it was at a different time. David? David? Where were you, David? David? Where, dear?

Check my iCloud. It says, find my friend says I've been here at midnight and here at midnight. Sorry, dear. I've ruined iCloud. David, where were you between the hours of 3 a.m. and 4 a.m.? I was journaling and I said, 1.59 a.m. David is in bed. Then I looked at the clock.

4 a.m. David is in bed. Then I looked at the clock. 4 a.m. David is in bed. But I have no record of you in between that. Well, dear, it was spring forward. Spring forward into a mistress, David. David. I've never trusted daylight savings time. By the way, I did it right.

By the way, yes, I am an idiot. I know it goes from 2 a.m. to 3 a.m. right away. But just forgive me what now we're gonna start using our brains what was this 47 forgive me i was in the moment okay i was in the moment david so this was really cute and uh shannon looks so pretty with her hair and stuff i could just imagine her there in her makeup chair surrounded by all of her people going i don't want to talk about my friend i don't want to betray my friend. But her Brooks doesn't have cancer.

I mean, I can read. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Well, first, though, before she could even talk about Brooks, there was a lot of stuff, a lot of assaults to Shannon's peace of mind. First of all, she had to choose what she wanted to drink her Grey Goose in. She's like, I think I'll have my Grey Goose in soda in a tall glass this time.

Tall, like your mistress, David. Does this glass remind you of anything? Well, I'll have that on the rock. Sound familiar, David? Sound familiar? High ball. Does that remind you of when your mistress says high balls to your balls?

David? Wow. Wow. Our relationship is at sunset period and it's on the rocks and you've ordered an anchor steam, David. Would you like to just call a plane? Because Heather knows someone. David, should I just fling myself over

this balcony into the water? Would you like that? David? David? Oh god, I can't climb. It's so hard. I don't have any muscle tone. Oh, I'm so fat. Okay, looking at this menu here, let's see. The only reason why I'm not flinging myself into this ocean is because I know you went scuba diving with your mistress

and I refuse to do the same thing that you did with her. When my personal trainer has worked me out enough that I can climb that wall, I am going to jump over it, David. Dear, would you like some empanadas? David, that's just a bunch of fat. It's like wearing a skin,

a skin king me, David, over my whole body. No, thank you. No, David. Jeez, what are you trying to do, David? What are you, what are you trying to choke me with my own fat, David? David, are you a witch? Am I Gretel? Are you leading me into an oven? An oven of my own shame?

David? David, why are you fattening me up? It was so funny because she looks so pretty and he's all gelled and, you know, terrified eyed, which I guess is nice. And they're at this beautiful sunset and you know they waited three hours to get in so they could shoot right at the sunset.

And it's just beautiful. And then Shannon's like, oh, jeez, I'm so fat. Yeah. I exercised for two and a half hours today. I can't have an empanada. I exercised for seven hours and talked to Tamara for 13. How many hours is that, David? How many hours have I been awake?

Oh, I'm so starving. What's more fattening, meatballs or the glass of lard that you have made into a milkshake and topped with mayonnaise? Which one's more fattening? Do tell. And then finally they're like, well, I'll do the meatballs. She's like, okay, fine. I'll do the meatballs.

Which one's fried? And she's like, well, one's's deep fried but meatballs aren't deep fried I mean they're like in the pan but they're not deep fried she's like okay I'll do the meatballs like wow you're really gonna make a dent there it's also like way to take the joy out of meatballs that's like a great choice

and romance it's like you're killing romance meatballs and just the general waiting tables experience all in the same time. All right. I guess I'll have something delicious. All right. Yeah. So that was funny.

Just because Shannon's always talking about losing weight, but she doesn't seem to understand the basics. Like, you know, salad. I guess I'll have a croissant do you have any vinegar to drink uh the last place did i had it was right in the middle of the table instead of bread i mean it was for poor people but you know at least i'm making an effort louise brought it to me um So what did they talk about? So then they're talking about how Vicky had texted Shannon in the wake of the lunch from last episode. Vicky had texted Shannon and told her that she thought lunch was nasty and vicious. And Vicky says, I don't think you're nasty and vicious, but I thought lunch was.

And Shannon's like, I don't see the difference. lunch was and then Shannon's like I don't see the difference Shannon had a solid minute of looking around with that awkward semi frown surprise disappointed thing she does with that combo where she looks like she just got a chill

down the back of her neck like that's what her spirit's saying it's like i mean if vicky came over i would i i would lift up the chandelier for her i mean she's such a good friend i don't know why she thinks i'm nasty and vicious oh i guess i'm hitler now so well i mean i don't know. There you go. I've got it. I killed a bunch of Jews. Okay. There it is. A slaughter of humanity.

That's me. That's me. Shannon Bedore. Murderer of anybody not like me. There it is. So things are falling apart between them. So things are falling apart between Vicky And Shannon so we're being told

Even though they only had one Really only one tiff Well there was that birthday dinner thing But things are falling apart Yeah but look how fast things happen It used to be I was on The side of Vicky, Team Vicky All the way Heather Jersey

And now I don't speak with Vicky, and I have a strong friendship with Heather Dubrow and Tamara Judge. Tamara Judge and Heather Dubrow. There you go. No Vicky. No Vicky. But Heather Dubrow and Tamara Judge. Who would have thought? Hell has frozen over.

Hell has frozen over. My standards have just lowered a lot. I'm using both of their names, both of their regular name and their God-given name, just so there's no confusion. You know, I don't want to confuse anybody. And then them accuse me of being Mal-Pow

or whoever killed all those other people. You say Mal-Pow? I mean, I feel like I'm Cambodia here. Just slaughtering people left and right. Okay. Okay, so the next scene is Tamara getting a visit from her pastor.

Which is, I mean, this is pretty much on par as the Pope visiting BC. Word on the street, Tamara's getting her pastor. Tamara's been put out to pastor. Word on the street, Tamara's getting her pastor. Tamara's been put out to pastor. Word on the street. Yeah, so the pastor comes in and... By the way, Ben, I just talked over you, but that was funny. The pastor coming into Tamara was the equivalent of the pope showing up in D.C. and New York.

Especially now because the pope's riding around behind all the nice cars in a little Fiat. Yeah. The Pope was like, I was going to go to California, but I heard there's a pastor who's got everything under control. A pastor. I can't take the Fiat through the pastor.

It'll get stuck. So this pastor was hilarious. He's like, well, I'm excited because baptism isn't for perfect people, just people with a sincere heart. And Tamara's like, oh, well, I guess I don't qualify then. Sorry. Sincere heart, you say?

Okay. Oh, my God. I love when he's like, okay, now baptism isn't for the perfect. Okay, so anybody can be baptized. All we ask is that you wash your face first because other people put their face in there. And before you know it, we're all just going to break out in possum face.

So please just wash your face first. Jesus isn't here to be your astringent. Jesus isn't witch hazel, is my point. He's like, listen. Okay, batch. Baptism is like buying a gun, all right? You don't have to be perfect, and anyone can do it, all right?

Just do it. Get baptized. Batch. And then Tamara's like, I've been meaning to ask you. Well, Tamara's all like. I've been meaning to ask, like, is baptism, like, do you have a party for that batch? And if so, are there things to swing on? Because, like, if everybody is hung, then nobody is hung.

You know what I mean? She's like, my baptism is like a coming out party. It's like I'm coming out of the closet. Bitch, that's not what a coming out party is, all right? It's not a party every single time a gay man comes out of the closet. A coming out party is an entirely different thing. She's such an idiot. I know.

She's like, I've hidden it and I've hidden it and I hid it and now I love Jesus. Oh yeah, I hid it. You can watch me hiding it batch in episodes 1 through 13. Hiding it, hiding it, hiding it. Remember when I was talking about it at lunch? Remember I was hiding

it so well that Eddie didn't even know? And I was like, yes you do, honey. I've been hiding it all the time. And he's like, oh yeah. And then he ate that rice bowl. Remember, bitch? You know what? Like, my favorite song is Jesus Take the Wheel, except I like to change the

lyrics to Jesus Take the Cut Fitness, because I don't want to do it anymore. Thank God Jesus didn't take the real estate license. Jesus take the spin class. Jesus is our new star of our new sex YouTube commercial. I mean, let's face it.

I didn't become a Christian until I saw him in a loincloth, partying so hard with his rock-hard abs that he cried, bloodbatch. That's my kind of guy. Cock fitness, Jesus! So, as they're talking about, like, as the pastors are just talking about the,

you know, just what you gotta do and this and that, I was like, uh-oh. Tamara's gonna cry. First of all, Tamara does not i was like oh tamra's gonna cry tamra first of all tamra does not sit on a couch unless she's gonna cry all right if she will always start crying if she's on a couch and she's talking to a pastor she's gonna find some reason to cry so first things start off fine she's sitting there she's taking notes on a clipboard about repenting the pastor's like okay so one thing you got to do is you have to repent and she has like takes the clipboard she's like oh okay taking notes like how you got to do is you have to repent. And she takes out a clip where she's like, oh, okay, taking notes.

How does one do that? How does one show remorse? What is repent? Can I do a float chart on that? Okay, great. Is that like a refund? Yeah. And then they're talking about repenting and this and that.

And the producers were amazing this episode because they started playing the dumb coconut music I always call it the coconut music when the music goes bum bum bum bum bum bum bum they start playing that over Tamara and I'm like oh repenting okay great

that's so good this is our repenting alright take the fat clown music and turn it into repenting music yeah and they did it all episode one but you were gonna i started talking over you you were gonna say something about no i was talking over you but um the g let's just talk over each other yeah uh the uh i like when he was saying the holy spirit lives inside of you it's inside of you she's like oh god i'm not telling eddie and then uh she said yeah it's like a gps it's like a gps for life it's like a map 100 feet you're gonna make a right

at murder your child in one in five feet turn left at the burning bush. I keep getting the feeling like Tamara's inner spiritual GPS is saying things like, rerouting, rerouting, rerouting. Searching, searching. Bad signal. No tower. No tower near.

Turn around and make a left. Self-destruct. Self-destruct. Self-destruct. So sure enough, as predicted, all of a sudden Tamara's crying. Because now she's talking about the church. And she's like, I feel like I've been a bad role model for Ryan. And now all of a sudden she's crying.

It's like, oh, here we go. As predicted, her big thing is that she's concerned that she's now on her third marriage. And's a bad role model for Ryan and he's not going to get it together, yada yada. Yeah, I just want to show him because marriage, now he's stuck with this woman. She starts going into this therapy session and the poor preacher's like, I'm here for your 10%, bitch. He's like, okay, you're forgiven. God loves you. Jesus is inside you. Yay, baptism. And she's like, and then he met

this girl on Instagram. And then one like on his post. You know, Ryan doesn't get a lot of likes on his post. And I feel like it's because of how I raised him. He's like, baptisms are for sincere hearts, not bleeding hearts. Okay?

Bye, bitch. He's like, well, you know, I wouldn't force Ryan into a baptism. A bathtub might not be a bad idea. General bodies of water, good idea. It doesn't have to be holy water. It could just be water. Okay? Just, you know.

He doesn't want to be swimming around in a pool of your base anyway dunning yeah so it's nice to see that tamra now that now that ryan's pushing 30 going on 50 it's nice even now tamra's concerned about being a bad role model you know it only took 30 years so i'm just embraced with religion you know like when i was growing up like one time my mom said holy shit this can is hard to open i was like wow religion that's otherwise i think we've heard of jesus you know it's like your your shitty relationship will not be fixed by jesus she started going over this whole thing about how she's a terrible mother and of course you know the preacher as did the audience you know there was nothing to really disagree about he just kind of sat there and shook his head slowly in a shell necklace.

Yeah, he's like, listen, I'm a pastor in Orange County. I've seen way worse. Yeah. He shouldn't, he's like, I don't get paid enough for this shit. So then the next scene, Brooke and Vicky meet up with Lenka, Lenka the German wellness expert, at the office of Dr. German Zermino MD, or just German Zermino MD. Welcome!

Hello, it's me. Oh, did you just come back from my sister's Lenka? What's her sister's name? Hela. Hela and Lenka. Hela and Lenka. Yeah, we have folk trio, and our third sister is gone. I'm in high school, someone called me Hela Lenka. Yeah, we have folk trio, and our third sister is gone. When I'm in high school, someone called me Hella Lenka.

I'm tall. Justice. Justice. High truth. High justice. So they're at a doctor's office. So immediately we know that this is Vicky and Brooks' attempt to show that Brooks has the has the cancer but we also know that this is gonna be total bullshit because lenka set up the meeting they're like oh thank you lenka for setting up this meeting with the doctor

so meanwhile lenka's like run a store been the head of the junior league she's had like every random german lady job on this show no len, Lenka and Hela are two different people. But Lenka is the one who said, get a coffee enema and get the nutrients from the earth by walking around barefoot. And she's the one setting them up with a doctor. Okay. So already I'm doubting this entire thing. All right. Well, Brooks's lines in this were just fucking hilarious. He's like, well, hello, doctor.

I mean, he just went on for like five minutes he's like although i have cancer i have inflammations there are big masses that continue to inflame as they grow they grow and inflame and the growth therefore pushes the kidney to the point that it is inflamed which pushes the cancer to grow so if you have cancer you'd know that but if you don't, you'd know that. But if you don't, you just wouldn't know it. So I thought it might be relevant in particular to come give you this conversational

in the face as a friend and a neighbor. Christ, Brooks. It's literally that long. It just kept going and going. And then Dr. Zemino felt up brooks he's like yeah i feel a mass meanwhile cut to brooks sneaking a golf ball under his shirt you know so so my favorite here was just the whole ridiculousness and fake mass of fakeosity okay let me find the right word of fake a doolius. The fakeness of this scene was

just so funny. Vicky, she's like, oh, here we are. Oh, hey there, doctor. Oh, gosh, I've got pictures of this doctor in my binder. Okay, let me explain. This doctor is very, very serious. He likes to starve to cancer, you know. No sandwiches for cancer.

He studies Eastern and Western medicine, you know. I'm like he studies eastern and western medicine you know i'm like really could you be any less specific i know and then in the end he winds up uh his treatment is that he basically takes out uh brooks's blood and oxygenates it and then puts it back in he's like that's crazy who does that you know he takes his blood out and then puts oxygen in it it's like that's crazy who does that You know he takes his blood out and then puts Oxygen in it it's like one of those soda Machines it's water now it's soda Oh jeez the world's gone crazy Where's the water

Brooks you might want to burp It's going to be a lot of carbonation in your blood So then we go To Terry and Heather arriving At some shopping Channel Evine or something like that The studios I'm just imagining Heather arriving at some shopping channel, Evine or something like that, the studios. I'm just imagining Heather looking at this studio and be like, oh, this is wonderful.

We're adding it to our house. Terry, I want to put a shopping channel in our house. Terry. This is as big as the bedroom we built for the golf cart's keys. Golf cart's keys. Nice work. Oh, I know this designer. we met in acting class years ago we spent a lot of time in the chairs you know

um we're not auditioning for the same guest room but you know um i'm making no sense and now i'm eating fuzzy string cheese so there you go um they walked in this on-air talent management this was the funniest thing i've seen this hostess was you know how we talk about the facelift head when you get so many facelifts that they just keep pulling up the top of your scalp until it's in the middle of your head that's this woman she had like big love bangs like kim what's Kim, what's your funds? What's your self bangs? And then a forehead to the middle of her head. And she's like, hey, guys.

And does the open hand, like, that way if you hear it. Yes. Like, hi, guys. Hi. Let's talk beauty. It's like, let's. Yeah. Let's.

Let's. Let's talk beauty. So then they start doing, heather and terry start doing um they're doing rehearsal for their for their big moment on the shopping channel and heather is doing her whole thing and i'm like you know i feel like somewhere tamra is pissed off that heather isn't mentioning cut fitness on the shopping channel right now it was a big platform she could have mentioned Yeah, she was sure to call this time. She wasn't going to let that pass again. Yeah.

So Terry was practicing, and Terry really sucked, and Heather was staring at him with so much rage. It was like the return of Maleficent. Heather's been good. She's been on her best behavior all season. She hasn't been in cut fitness. She's just been trying to do her happy-go-lucky thing. But ooh, she was giving Terry such a nasty look her happy-go-lucky thing but oh she was giving terry

such a nasty look it was hilarious the whole thing and then her uh confessional she's like i believe in terry i just want him to be all that he can be it's not easy being an actor you know i've studied this for years years it's a craft it's a skill terry hasn't studied so claw hand claw hand he doesn't understand what it is but you know god bless him i'll you know i'll have a nanny pray for him or whatever and then terry this is so phony and terry's like i'm so nervous being on camera whoa I just I am terrified Heather's the actor here but I am terrified whoa

I'm only on two different TV shows at the same time but I'm terrified of being on camera Heather's like you know when Terry gets in this way you either have to claw hand treat him like a child or claw hand tell him to be a man to claw hand. Treat him like a child or claw hand. Tell him to be a man.

So you know I treat him like a child. Always. I only treat him like a man when I need his man's black card. Otherwise, he's a child. That whole thing of Terry pretending to be nervous, I wish they could cut back to the first season of theirs, finale, where it's a finale party and they're fighting with the bolinos terry looks so giddy that he got to get in a fight on tv jim bolino's like you want we're gonna talk and

he's like oh what do you want to talk about he was so thrilled to be on tv shut up terry well no i mean to be fair terry i think gets gets a kick out of some of the idiots on this show. And I think that Terry always thought that Jim Bellino and Alexis, they were both just like stupid trash. So when he saw Jim getting upset, I mean, he was probably like, oh, God, this is going to be good. He's going to make a total fool of himself at my party. I can't wait to see this happen. Yeah, I agree. There was some glee with that, too. But I definitely sense, I sense when the camera's around at first terry was lethal yeah

yeah i think so i think he was excited so then meanwhile back in orange county more woes for tamra and ryan and sarah which and by the way tamra was wearing this shirt this stupid shirt that said i want felicia's life she's always going somewhere oh god that's too long for a shirt so stupid was that designed by heather Heather Thompson? Was that from the Yummy brand? So long, Felicia. Safe travels, Felicia-am, wherever you're going. Regards, Felicia. Comma, sincerely, comma,

Heather. Mamas. This whole scene with Tamara, it's just got white trash written all over it. Oh, my God. It's just getting more and more it's like babies running around the mom hanging out on the stoop watching well sarah's watching go down sarah's not working ryan is ryan's looking for a job at like a gun manufacturer yeah it went from either what was the first thing he said wait hold on let me see it was something i was like

wait a second what wait hold on this this woman is forrest gump oh it's a girlfriend i was like wow that's why she doesn't open her mouth much she's like yeah wait hold on let me see eddie's not gonna argue with me they need to help themselves oh ryan's like you know, I've been talking to an aerospace company and I was talking with a gun manufacturer. Have you filled out any kind of application anywhere ever? Or are you just talking to random industries you can think of? I talked to the people who invented the stuff that goes on the back of Post-it. Special kind of clue. You know, I was really looking into, you know uh doing refills on vending machines i think it's a pretty exciting

industry these days you know no one really just puts wheels on the bottom if you notice that i just want to do something with a hand dolly. You know, I just I feel really connected to the world when I have a hand dolly. They show that close up of that beautiful little baby. And he's like, I know he's got a real attitude. I mean, he really does. And Tamara's like, I want Ryan and Sarah to go to church to save their relationship. I'm like, I think that his attitude needs to change to save their relationship. Also, listen, if you want to know Jesus's view on a relationship, he never had one.

Okay. That's, that's his view. Yeah. It's like waste of time. Thank you. Wouldn't, didn't Jesus not even like a baby out of wedlock? I like when she said, oh, Brian, you know, like, I don't care. Like, I'll help him.

But like, he needs to help himself because suddenly, poor guy's fallen on hard times. Suddenly? He's never... He fell on hard times a long time. He's not crawled himself out of hard times ever. Shut up. Suddenly, it's like, suddenly Ryan's a mess. Yeah, suddenly.

Suddenly he's getting another bright green tattoo on his calf. Oh, wow. There goes another high interest loan. Speaking of children with dim futures. Oh. I mean, it's true. Bueller.

I'm talking about you, Bueller. No, Bueller. It's funny. Sometimes, I used to do this a lot. I haven't done it in a while. But when you compare real houses of New York to real houses of Orange County or even Orange County, Beverly Hills, when you see the paths that the children go on on those different franchises, it really says a lot. In New York, they're all going off to college. They're going going liberal arts schools doing something you know they're going on that path and then in orange county going

insurance maybe work at a gun manufacturer maybe work at oc angels or maybe be a school dropout yeah maybe suck a dick every once in a while on the internet. Yeah. It really tells a different story. It's a different world. Finally, a family business we can all get behind. Literally. Yeah. So anyway, so we cut to Megan and Haley. Megan's making a justice salad with chicken and cashews.

Do you want to try some, Haley? Haley's like, no, I don't eat lettuce because one time i threw up i threw i threw up lettuce do you want me to leave out the lettuce no it's like this whole thing like it's just i ate this once and i threw up whatever i don't know what it is you're making but i've had it before and it's gross i threw up but it's a lettuce cup it's really cool no i can't drink out of cups either because the thing I threw up from came from a cup. So, like, I just don't do cups. Just give me a big bowl. Like, Haley. Hey, Haley.

Okay, this is called teriyaki. And it's like you put a chicken and then you, like, put this sauce. Like, you go to the store and you find this sauce and it's called teriyaki sauce. And then you open it and you, like, pour it in a pan. And then you turn the pan on until it cooks it and hailey's like um you're a stupid cop fat master oh yeah like so hailey's openly calling me a cup fitness now because i realized that like i was really trying to be the lady from that movie stepmom with julia roberts but then i realized like no she just needs a friend to give

her 500 every once in a while and do her homework. So now, you know, I conformed myself to a parent that's not really a parent, but somebody who's living with a kid that somebody else is a real parent of. Thanks for that long-winded explanation. She and Brooks could never have a conversation. It would last 10 hours. Yeah. Haley's like, I don't want your lettuce cup or your sympathy.

Just get out of my way. I don't even know what a cashew is. Is that just like a shoe made of cash? In that case, I'll take it. Okay, well, then I'll be conforming to the way that, you know, like fun stepmoms are supposed to be, and I'm just gonna say, like, have fun, wear a condom.

Don't get drunk. Have lettuce. And Haley's like, okay, bye. Slap on the ass. Nice thigh gap. Anorexic bitch. Bye, love you. Well, no, Haley, I mean, Megan asked Haley

about her future, so like, what do you think you're going to do? Are you going to try to find some knowledge? She's like, well, I was thinking about community college, but I don't know. So I'm thinking about maybe going to hair school. But I don't know. I don't know. She's like, beauty school dropout. Yeah, beauty school dropout.

I'm well-rounded. I don't think I can do hair school. It just seems like, I don't know, there might be lettuce and stuff. I don't know. A lot of hairstylists eat seems like, I don't know, there might be lettuce and stuff. I don't know. A lot of hairstylists eat salads, and I threw that up once. Yeah. There's too many lettuces in the alphabet. Oh, Hailey, you got the wrong word.

Whatever you want to do, that's the right word, because I'm just your friends now. Justice! Conforming to Fun Mom. You know, Hailey doesn't watch Titanic anymore anymore because the iceberg reminds her of iceberg lettuce. Makes her nauseous. Iceberg lettuce straight ahead. Be careful, Haley. You might get nauseous.

Well, I'm not going to take care of her anymore because you know what? That's what police are for. So sink or swim. So let's get to the happy music because now it's oh no wait wait wait first we have terry i'm so nervous tv oh the camera oh and then heather goes that is the most charcuterie tray what'd you say that is the most charcuterie tray i've ever seen that's the biggest charcuterie charcuterie charcuterie or charcuterie charcuterie oh god wait no no but before that even happens though don't we have the scene of tamra visiting brooks and vicky

oh do we maybe it was so good that i was watching it oh no this is after uh that's after this oh sorry um and she's like i'm an actor oh. Oh, yeah. Anyway, who cares? So happy music. No, no, you're right. You're right. You're right. So happy music. It's like, everything's okay. But no words, of course, because it's not married to medicine.

But it's like, and Tamara's playing with a wreath, a big giant wreath from Tuesday morning. And Brooks answers the door and he's like, oh, well, hello. Are you trying to steal our wreath? No, I was playing with the wreath. Hey, Brooks. Hey, Batch. Hey, what's going on? Hi, Batch.

Hi, Batch. I don't like your wreath. It looks like an evil eye. Batch. Well, you're Vicky's longest tenured friend, so it would make sense for us to give you a call and solicit your help on this matter. And also use the word tenured, which I've just learned. And solicit. And solicit.

Well, you know, I just wanted you to know I'm soliciting your help here. I just had a PetSmart done. You had a PetSmart done. I just had a PetSmart. We have brought you here because I think we can all agree that you are the dumbest of Vicky's friends and the least educated. So here is a document with a lot of words all smushed together. I went to PetSmart and found out that it wasn't a mass. It was actually a rawhide that I swallowed. And it turns out those don't digest very well.

Once it did come out, I could shape it in all different kinds of shapes. It was pretty amazing. So thanks for coming by. Tell your friends. He's like, I have paperwork. And he hands over this paperwork. And Vicky's just sitting there first of all they do this uh this seating thing where whenever they talk to somebody they're on

a sectional and one takes one end of the sectional like so their knees are meeting in the corner it's like some power it's some weird power move they're doing yeah yeah and uh again i would like to mention again the producers were playing the coconut music because brooks is saying well the cancer's getting worse the chemo is not working things are looking bad i may die and music was like i was like wow that's bad he's talking that he might die and the producers are scoring it with funny music. So then Tamara's reading it. Tamara's reading it. Tamara's like, oh my God, whoa, this is like, it's paper.

Whoa, this is crazy. She's like, oh, you want my glasses? You want to read with my glasses? Tamara's like, what is, okay, so I'm reading this medical record. So it says that you have a case of lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Yes. Insectator. Welcome to WordPress, bitch. case of lorem ipsum, dolor, sit, amet, insectator. Welcome to WordPress, bitch. What's lorem ipsum?

That sounds bad. You have a bad case of lorem ipsum. Stage five, lorem ipsum. That's the filler they use in your new WordPress blog. They're like, content, content, content, lorem ipsum, cancer, cancer. Clinica, Clinica High, iStory. I'm reading it right now. I have it on the page on the internet. I can't stop. Clinic High. Clinic High. Eye Story. I'm reading it right now. I have it on the page on the internet.

Abdomen. Clinic High History. Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Chest Connecticut. Technique. I don't know. There's a lot of words. And then there's like one section where all the words are put together.

Findings. There's a large mass of writing there's no spaces and tamra's like i mean i know i'm not good at reading but this this is the longest word i've ever said in my life do you know actually i just looked it up that lorm ipson translated is a statement about pain it's because it's called pain itself what a way to welcome you to wordpress i know seriously uh batch i don't understand this medical record i love that tamra was too dumb to realize that it was like a bunch of words without the spaces i mean she was like this is a long word no it's just five words without the spaces tamra don't you see there's a the? She's like, I get so confused by hashtags.

What are all these made up words? Did you trademark this? I'm going to open a business with this word because, like, everybody will just be trying to figure it out. Like, they'll keep talking about it at Parnas. Batch. Batch. I'm going to baptize this medical record. Then I'll know if it's real.

Consider the source, batch, batch, batch. Consider the source, batch, batch, batch. Really, really, really, really, really. Batch, batch, batch's real. Consider the source, bitch, bitch, bitch. Consider the source, bitch, bitch, bitch. Really, really, really, really, really. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Consider the source. By the way, that just goes to show you how shady this whole thing is

because Brooks says, consider the source about Tamara and what does he do? He uses her to be an ambassador of his medical record? No. Consider the source, bitch. Oh, does he do? He uses her to be an ambassador of his medical record? No. Consider the source, bitch. Oh, that's true.

Good point. Yeah. He's like, well, I guess I'm a good source now, bitch. He's like, well, I do take your advice and I considered the source. And I thought, wow, what a source. Welcome. I'm going to solicit your help in getting this news out there. And Vicky says, I need you to go out of here with conviction, Tamara.

You need to have conviction. When you talk to people, I want you to say, no, I saw it. There was a paper. No cancer. I mean, there is cancer. Stop it. Okay? With conviction.

Stop it. Oh, God. It was so awkward because Tamara didn't know what to do. Because she could tell she still didn't believe them. She was just like, It's so weird because the preacher kept saying conviction too. Why is everybody talking

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podcasts such a cut fiction fitness so anyway okay so now the debros are going on the air to sell the skin care. And so Megan's holding a viewing party because, you know, justice and knowledge because we need to have knowledge. I love Heather. Heather in anticipation of going on the air. She's like, if we look foolish, they have fodder for years of ragging on us. My girl, they already saw Malibu country. Okay, they already have the fodder.

They got the fodder. And the funny thing is you never even really noticed. So you'll be fine. They act like they care, but I think if you care, yeah, I think they'll be okay. Oh, and then we had, before this actually began, we had the little interstitial bit where Brooks was doing his pills. And yet again, coconut music. You know, on Blood, Sweat & Heals, every time Daisy did a pill,

like took one of her medications, it was like, dun-dun, dun-dun. Or like sad piano music or like all that. No. Brooks is like, dun-ka-dun-ka-dun-ka-dun-ka-dun. I gotta take my pills. Oh, this one, the Spotted Man vitamin is very important to the process.

Oh no, I can't go a day without my Flintstones. Otherwise, the entire cancer could come back. You never know, Barney Rubble could save my life. No one ever had much confidence in that guy, but I holified his convictions and here we are soliciting health together. If he really does have cancer we are really we are awful people no because you know what look at the end of the day the reason no one believes cancer he has cancer is because he's a full of shit user so if he was a full of shit user who ended up getting cancer later it doesn't erase that he was a full of shit loser

before yeah so it just means that you know now he's sick like you can't just disregard everything because we get cancer i mean all of us are going to get it at some point right like it's not forgiveness you have to go the tamra route to get forgiveness that's right that's right so now we're back we're back from the break and okay so now terry and heather on the air everyone's watching at home megan's like why is he in scrubs like if he's wearing scrubs then where's his stethoscope i'm like hashtag hashtag nurse unite hashtag avalanche hashtag doctors unite that was crazy though right what it's that that she said that so soon after the other i know i was like don't say the s word like we get it you don't have to wear it just because you're on tv like we get it you're a doctor like whatever if you're a doctor where's your little thing that

you put on your head that reflects light seriously megan in this scene this is the first time and the the scene cuts back and forth but in general this little viewing party thing first off they were kind of being bitches tamra's evil she just sits there and makes the c wordiest remarks yeah but they were doing exactly but they were doing exactly what we would have been doing if we'd been watching i mean not you if you were watching if you were on tv and i was surrounded by all of our friends i would not be being mean to you while you're on tv oh yeah no oh i thought you meant like watching terry yeah no i wouldn't be oh well yeah watching friendly terry yeah but not my friend not someone i'm calling my friend you'd be you're supportive of your friends and they're like all cackling tamra's the worst and then then Shannon's like, don't listen to Tamara.

Wow, Tamara's sure going there. Whoa! And then she's like falling back, laughing. Shannon's crossing the line now. Shannon needs to get, she needs to stop going over to the dark side. She's on the dark side, yeah. She is. She's pretty bad. And she's doing it in the gross way where she's just, is everyone else? What? I was standing there.

I mean, what? Okay. So I was driving the car, but the suburban hit the pedestrian, not me. It was the car. Yeah. She's acting a little innocent. She is falling victim to what happens to them all, which is just, you know, she's not taking accountability. And she's usually really good about taking accountability for her actions.

That's one thing that we love about her. And she's really not, she's sort of acting like, Oh, well, why is Vicky mad at me? It's because you should be saying, whether you believe it or not,

you should just be telling everyone to shut up about everything, you know, and you're not, and you're asking Vicky, even if you think Brooks is a crook, you're like, you're asking Vicky these questions on TV, yada,

yada, yada. So Shannon, we love you, but you gotta like, you're, you're asking vicky these questions on tv yada yada yada so shannon we love you but you gotta like you're you're you're too much around uh tamra well i love shannon because she's a neurotic mess i don't love her because she's a perfect person that's for damn sure i mean she's a she's not you know she's vindictive like you know you're always in high school it seems like no matter how old you get or how much you complain about your weight well I guess that is

high school but you know you're always in high school yeah she kind of is and but she's doing it in the mom way it's like a mom in high school where she's like what what I do well I didn't deal with that Tamara she's wild when they were talking about that fake cancer that Vicky's cheater of a criminal husband has

with that I mean I would never say that. But Tamara said that he doesn't have cancer. And I mean, everyone's calling him a cancer liar. Who am I to say that cancer is not a lie? And it's like, oh, geez. David. David. Why haven't you come to homeroom, David?

David. That's that constant guilt trip. You know? Yeah. So the funniest part about all this is that when terry was going through the things that are in his whatever his skincare one of the items in it was uh resveratrol res res res resveratrol resveratrol he uh so there's resveratrol and i loved shannon goes and then they all cackle which i thought was hilarious because if I were there too, I'd be like, ah!

I mean, someone put a picture of Resveratrol on our Facebook page and made a big point of it. But I love that. I love that Lizzie was like, oh, I had no idea that Terry's skincare could cure cancer. Oh, Lizzie. She got her one line in there. It was funny.

I liked it. Poor Lizzie. Like, she's the first one to arrive. At the beginning of this party, I like that Megan had a rental daughter. She's like, I've given up on Hayley, but you can rent a daughter

and this one loves me and she needs my advice. And she likes lettuce. Yeah. She's munching on lettuce. I didn't even have to tell her what teriyaki was. Hashtag rental justice.

She even has the most basic ambition. She showed up. Yeah, she just, she appeared. If I had asked her to come to this party, like, at 10 o'clock at night, she would have said no. Because, like, hashtag rental justice. She made a plan to go to the supermarket and buy some orange juice and she actually did it it was like so impressive like i'm so impressed i gave her a hundred dollars um yeah and then the next thing was lizzie of course is the first one to arrive

in awkward non-sleeve things and i really like lizzie she's so nice and she's so smart and she's smart i think she actually is smart but it's so funny that whenever she shows up, she doesn't really add much. She's just like, so what's on the menu tonight? Are you doing special drinks? I mean, I smell something cooking. She's like, remember last season when I cut my finger? God, that was a great arc for me. It was crazy.

Have you ever seen these Tupperwares that you can throw away after you use them? Oh, they are amazing. I brought some. You know what I do sometimes? Sometimes I press but I don't seal. Anyway, I'm sorry. That was so stupid. I had to go back, but only because I liked it when Lizzie got her one line. She was like,

it cures cancer. And then she's like, okay, everyone. I packed everything up. Thank God someone still has some plastic bags left over. Jeez, the world's changed, right? Okay, goodnight! I know. Then she just left. She's like, well, it's 7.30

and Christian's going to sleep soon, so I guess I have to go home. Christian's waiting for these leftovers. Need to get over there. He loves lettuce wraps. Okay, ladies, see ya. She's like, rental daughter, see you around, okay? I think the reason why I liked Lizzie's one line is because at this point, everyone's shading Brooks. You know, just no one believes him.

Even Lizzie. Even Lizzie, who's been really sweet this season. I mean, even Hayley would shade her if she had the chance, although Hayley's not nice. So then Tamara calls... It's like, your cancer's poor. Your cancer probably touched lettuce. Your cancer's working too hard.

Okay? It's embarrassing. So, let's see here. Cinnamon. Oh, yeah. So they're doing their talk show thing and then of course terry is the when the cameras roll and heather gives him her actor's pet talk she's like listen here terry you know sometimes you lose and sometimes you win you know sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down sometimes the wind is blowing one way and then it changes direction you know what you gotta do you gotta You got to just keep going.

Go team. Terry's like, okay, honey, I think I can do that. And then Tammy Sue calls in and pretends her name is cinnamon. Yeah. She's like,

hi, my name is cinnamon bat. Um, also, and Heather's like, ha ha ha ha ha. That's you, Tamara,

right? Okay. Bye. Not amused at all. Click. And then Terry gets out there and That's you, Tamara, right? Okay. Bye. Yeah, not amused at all. Click. And then Terry gets out there and he's like, Hello. Let me tell you about a product that will change your life.

Of course, he's totally late night. What do you call that? Infomercially. Like, he's perfect at it. Yeah. Of course. And Tamara says he has a spray tan on tv what else happened there so then basically okay so basically they finished they did a nice job wait coming back to

something you said really quick yeah um heather's face during this when she saw terry pull out the tap dance she was not pleased and her words she's like this is what i wanted from terry i'm so happy for him but then they show her face and she literally like, this is what I wanted from Terry. I'm so happy for him. But then they show her face and she literally juts out her chin. You know, she's juts it out, dying. She's like, I wonder when they're going to let the guest star from Malibu country say a word. Yeah, just like Reba, a real natural. So anyway, once he's done, then the ladies are all sort of like

let's talk about people now and shannon shannon starts to cough she's like i'm i'm sorry i'm gonna be coughing more because i had dairy and when i when i when i eat i cough and then when i have dairy well it's just like running i i pee while they're about to talk about brooks's fake diseases. She's like, hey, guys. Well, sorry. Guys, so sorry. I'm coughing. It's from all the pneumonias. I've got bronchial stasis, permanent lung damage,

all those pneumonias I have. I got a scan. I got a PetSmart. Nebulizer. Nebulizer. I'm just falling apart. If I run, I pee in my pants. It's like, I got a scan for

pneumonia, bronchitis, terminal crotchety-crotchety-poo. Haley's like, speaking of terminal crotchety-poo pneumonia, what about Brooks? You said Haley. Haley's like, speaking of lettuce. There's so many white girl names on this show.

I know. When they go to the home shopping network, the girl's like, hi, Heather. I'm Heather, your producer. And this is a show called Heather, OK? When I call Heather, the cameras are going to start heathering, OK? They're going to start heathering. I want Heather Gray for us. For Beauté. The second one was called Beaut for us For Beauté

The second one was called Beauté I was like oh Gretchen must be so mad So anyway And that lady pronounced it wrong She's like consult beauty Consult yeah No she said consult beauté I think she said consult beauty

So then, yeah. I just don't know how to type an accent. I'm so embarrassed about my notes. Why is this all one word? So Megan, when Shannon mentioned her chronic coughing issues from dairy, then that's when... Also, I have a bunion on my toe. And so, okay. So this is where it went a little kooky for me with Megan.

Because Megan at this point is just a little kid who has to be right. So no matter what the... It's like an internet comment war. When you realize, oh, my facts were wrong. But you're like, I'm going to keep fighting because I've already called this person a fuckface. Yeah, she does. She does not know when to fold them. And so basically it comes out that tamra saw met with brooks and vicky and that uh that brooks has a

mass and and megan's like vicky never mentioned a mass that's a big deal in the cancer world who gets a mass and doesn't post about it that's like getting a boyfriend and not posting your relationship status on facebook like how how are people supposed to know? Who does that? Who doesn't mention a mass? She's like, I bought tickets for all of us to see Black Mass because it's so important in the cancer world. Tamara's like, there's a mass inside Brooks. I have to worship that because I'm Christian.

She's like, I hope you come to my baptism. There's going to be a mass. Well, that's a big deal in the cancer world. So, of course, I'll be there. I'm going to be cleansing myself of all my batchiness with Brooks' mass. Every year, I go to Boston because it's important for me to go to mass. At Chusets. Every time I go to mass, I'm, like, sitting there and I'm like, I don't even know if I believe you, mass.

You're just trying to get part of Vickie's insurance money, Mass. The most important taco place is Paquito Mass. It's really important to Cancer World. I think we should all go there right now. Who doesn't talk about their lunch from Paquito Mass? Alfredo's always offering me Mass when I go to the restaurant. I'm like, no, Alfredfredo i don't want mass um so let me see here so yeah so she's like he never mentioned vicky never mentioned mass who does that uh so then apparently vicky had texted some of the women it was like oh so we just got back from newport imaging and you know they say his

cancer is getting worse so coconut music yeah it's cutting back brooks yeah it's cutting back between tamra reading it and shaman reading it which is so good they're both reading off their phones and it's like i was really upset with all that stuff that day batch I just want you to know that I am not, I'm not thinking of that batch. Just the story going between those two voices was killing me. And they were acting like it was this horrible text. And Vicky was like, you hurt my feelings.

The end. Goodbye. Talking to my mom in the wall. Up against the wall with a glass to my ear. Hope you're happy. Love Vix. Love Vix. Went to Newport Imaging. They say the cancer is my ear. Hope you're happy. Love, Vicks. Love, Vicks. Went to Newport Imaging.

They say the cancer's getting worse. He got a scan. But to be fair, it's also a copy shop and he was on a scanner. So, you know, who knows? Finally set up the phone number, call Brooks to ask him about his cancer. So feel free to call 1-800-CALL-BROOKS

and ask him about his cancer and leave a voicemail. I'm done. Love, Vicks. Be nicer to me next season. You know, if you take a bunch of papers, Newport Imaging, they can collate the copies. It's great. They're a really

wonderful place. They can do them in color too. So, you know, when we put Brooks on that scanner, on the Xerox scanner, they didn't see any cancer. So, you know, we're hoping for the best now. Thankfully, you know, cancer doesn't like xeroxes so then megan of course is like well i called newport imaging which is crazy but awesome and she called and uh basically there was there's that she said

they don't do pet scans or ct. She didn't say that. Actually, this is where everything gets fishy. She, first of all, looks terrified. She's swallowing really hard and her eyes are shifting back and forth. She did just have her own cashew chicken lettuce cups. She looks like Jim's about to find

crumbs on the counter. She's like, uh-oh. She actually looks scared. She does do a couple hard swallows and she's like well i called this imaging place and i was like hi my name is cecily i have um lymphomic uh cancer uh and they were like thank you for telling us because like that's what you do when you have masses you'd like call people and you tell them and then i was like do you take pet smarts and they were like no we don't take we haven't done pet scans for lymphotic wait what is it uh carcinogenic johnson and johnson uh lymphoma

anymore we haven't done that since 2008 but she was very she was she very carefully specified every time she said it that they don't do the scan for that particular cancer. So it sounded to me like lawyer talk, because she kept repeating that detail over and over. So obviously she was trying to get that in there. So do they do regular scans, and she's just, like, twisting? Well, here's where

it's a little fishier. I, of course, then Googled Newport Imaging. Girl, you've got the Google in your heart. I got the Google in my heart. I've got the Google in my heart. There are like four of them. And they all have different cadences of names. One's like Newport Imaging Center. One is called like Imaging of Newport.

One's Newport Imaging and Radiology. Newport Imaging Gay. Yeah, Newport Imaging Boner, Newport Imaging Big Black Cock. boner newport imaging big black cock so um no but they so i do think it's feasible that brooks and vicky went to someplace called like newport imaging and radiology and then she said went to newport imaging everything's fine and megan called a totally different newport imaging i think it's yeah it was, it was actually the photo development center inside the Walgreens. He's a liar. Take him down.

Yeah, they put a frame around the PET scan. It's really weird. So as much as I hate to stand up for Brooks in this case, I get the feeling that it's possible that there was, you know, that Vicky may have reported the wrong place back. It's a bit much at this point i mean it's one thing saying your cancer sounds fishy but making that your entire life i mean at this point it's crazy but that's also why it's amazing and so heather and tan i mean not heather uh shannon and tam are like really like they've never heard it and then megan's like yeah remember when i called you and i told you that i called they're acting like they've never heard it. And then Megan's like, yeah, remember when I called you and I told you that I called? They're acting like

they've never heard it. And Shannon especially, oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, and Tamara, she called you. Tamara, she showed you. Well, why didn't she ask me? I've been nothing but an advocate for her. I've done nothing for her but help

and, you know, now I'm nasty and Hitler. Now I'm offering up a steam shower for Jewish people. So there it is. I'm a terrible person. She's like, I've been nothing but supportive for Vicky. And, you know, give credence to all her doubters. You know?

But I've been nothing but supportive. Nothing but supportive. If mentioning fake cancer isn't being supportive 20 times an episode, then I don't know. David? David? Did Vicky give Brooks' medical records to your mistress, David? Please tell me.

And then Shannon acting so surprised. Oh, Megan. Megan King Edmonds. Wow. She's sure doing her research. Miss 30-year-old. Well, obviously they didn't choose Shannon because Shannon's the smartest one they should have her riding on a bike

like the beginning of Murder She Wrote Cancer She Wrote all in one word and then meanwhile Megan Megan then was getting was furious she's like real people are dealing with real fucking pain and you know I get that too like I get she's dealing with Leanne I mean it's like real people are dealing with real fucking pain and you know i get that too like i get she's dealing with leanne i mean it's very real and and you know you mentioned it

a few weeks ago that uh it's frustrating that if brooks is uh is lying about this and he's putting this out on national tv that this is a correct form of treatment then that is bullshit so i understand that but she also should know like she should just shut up and let brooks's stupidity speak for itself because she's losing she's making herself look worse the more she goes after it yeah agreed especially when she says especially when she sits back on her couch says i just want truth and i just want justice. And lettuce cups with cashew chicken. You know, all we're saying about her going too hard.

That said, of course I don't believe this either. None of it looks real. It all looks totally phony. That they went to this doctor who's just reading this medical report, which one minute looks like a big thick folder, and the next minute is two Xerox pages off a thing with all the words running together what the hell and brooks's story keeps changing and i think that it's it's so mangled it looks like vicky wrote it on that giant screen thing that she's trying to use in her office she's like i was trying to write one million cancers and it just wrote jubbity jubb jubb did a bit of it you know ding ding dong dong cancer cancer

no i don't. What the heck? Now, here's my thing. I don't think that Vicky is in on this. I think that or consciously in on it. I think that Brooks is pulling a fast one. And maybe Vicky has her suspicions. But at this point, she's turning a blind eye. That's what I think. I think she knows.

And the reason I think she knows is because her change from one week to the next, where one week she's screaming, no one will mess with Brooks, to the next just being like, you know, come Brooks. Like she got so tired and I get that it's exhaustion because it's brought up every second of the day. So I get the exhaustion. But also Vicky doesn't get exhausted with fights. She gets louder and louder and screams more and more and more. And it's not like her to just be like, I give i'm not talking about it it's yeah to me also it brings us to our second piece of gossip

which of course i don't have pulled up but it's a tweet another website which is making news of a tweet which i love is is it all a lot did vicky just admit on twitter that it's all been a lie the entire time so i clicked it and watched the you you know, ad for the Toyota Muskimu or whatever it is. And it's a tweet where she's saying, I just believed the person I loved at the time. Or like, I was just listening to the person I love or something like that. Oh, wait, here it is. Tweet. Stick to your guns, Vicky.

Your fans are behind. By the way, her name is Callie, but her Twitter name is WendyMouse6, which is weird. A lot of names, Callie. Anyway, stick to your guns, Vicky. Your fans are behind you 100%. If you know the truth, don't let minuscule people test you. You are way better. Heart with stars on it.

Peace sign. And then Vicky says, thank you. I only know what was told to me and stood behind the person I loved during this time we were together. Yeah. So fishy. Fish. Fishy.

Fishy Vicky. But you know what's not fishy? A good magazine. Wouldn't you agree? Ben, I sure would. I'm always reading about the celebrity fish on my next issue over on my iPad. That's right. And you know what, Ronnie?

Your time is precious, and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there, including celebrity fish stories. But who has the time to sift through all the nonsense on the Internet? We get more and more interest by seeking out authorities on them. You can find esquire vogue sports illustrated or wired there are so many magazines we've all come to trust that's true and and one thing though that you have that you should know is that you're on the wrong ad copy you are you are have they changed it i mean no you're on the amazing app where you can get all of the top magazines you're on the is it still an amazing app where you can get all of the top magazines in one little app?

Yeah, you're on the wrong one. With interactive content where people can see moving pictures like in Harry Potter, darling? That's the wrong copy. They're not paying us to read that bullshit. They're paying us to say, for those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, there's Nextissue. Nextissue is the mobile app that lets you tap to, I said discreetly. Yeah, it could be discreetly, but directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere,

using your phone or tablet. Iconic magazines like People, Vogue, Esquire, Time, and more. And Nextissue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for a richer reading experience. Sign up for Nextissue right now. You'll get immediate access to all the top magazines Including back issues and exclusive videos and photos So for instance

I, on my little phone right here Have pulled up GQ Which has hottie Michael B. Jordan on the cover Looking very cute And look, there's style information here For instance, Ronnie Yes, Ben, I could use some style information I'm wearing

$4 cutoffs from Old Navy. Well, someone asked this. What's the rule on leaving chest buttons undone on a dress shirt? 1, 2, or 3? So this is what GQ says. There are no hard rules in style, except one. Deep V-neck tees are the worst possible

thing you can possibly wear. And by the way, side note, I accidentally have two of them I thought they weren't going to be so deep Anyway I wasn't intending that But it's okay, I wear them out to gay clubs It all comes down To what you're trying to get across

Buttoning your shirt all the way A.K.A. the air tie is contemporary Gosling would approve One open button is conservative. The difference between two open buttons and three is simple. How suave are you feeling? The safe play is two, but Tom Ford would go

three. Are you one of Ronnie's Lebanese uncle cousins? Then please button your shirt down to your belly button and get Cheeto dust stuck in there. I usually do two. The very top one, like the neck one, the one all the way

to the top, air tie one, I open that one up, and the next one after that I open up. But I think it also depends, I think what they didn't say is it depends on the shirt because not all shirts have the same spacing. Anyway, these are the sort of things you could learn on Nextissue. So, the best part, Nextissue is offering a free trial right now when you go to

nextissue.com forward slash crappins again you can try next issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com crappins it's actually yeah thank you everybody go there read up on it don't walk around with all your buttons undone or you know look the orange county answer is you don't wear buttons at all you wear a cutout in the, and so your fake tits hang out of it. Everybody in that opening is wearing a cut front, I think. Heather, Megan, who else? Listen, if you're in Orange County, you don't deal with buttons. You have a Def Leppard t-shirt on, okay?

Yeah. You have something that's made out of, what's that stuff that's like not nylon but not cotton but not polyester? Like rayon. Rayon. It's rayon. And you also name your daughter. You have some stretchy rayon with a zipper cutout in the front that makes no sense. And you also name your daughter rayon too.

Rayon. And then she ends up sucking dick on the internet. After you've been evicted from your third house in Ligon Beach. She's like, thank God I have this next issue. It even works in my car. So, you know, it's funny because Orange County was all about medical issues. And let's move on to our next issue, which are the medical issues, or lack thereof.

Married to Meds. Married to Medicine. Reunion, part one oh man it opened up with andy like going to the dressing rooms with that backstage thing he's doing yeah hi what are you doing and simone uh says now andy she gets really like prayer on him she She's like, Andy, we are not going to bring you boring today, Andy. And he's like, well, you don't want to bring me messy either. And she's like, oh, yeah, we'll bring some mess. I love this show. You realize the show is basically called Married to Messy, not Married to Medicine.

Married to Messison. We will not bring you messy, but what we will bring you are pebbles. Married to Barney Rubble's Flintstones that Vicky will choke if she tries to swallow. All right, I need to get over Real Housewives of Orange County. Clear the notes. Clear them. Clear. Oh, we didn't even talk about how

everybody's telling Tamara because she's the dumb one. And everybody's like, hey, everyone's just the only reason Vicky called you to give you these results is because you're too stupid to read them. She's like, I feel so used because they know I can't read these. Or any results or any words

except the word of the lord Bitch They gave me a dry cleaning receipt That is not cool I'm gonna put these medical records on the shelves at Cup Fitness At least something's gonna be on there And it's gonna be passed I just saw that on my

On the ending of my note So I had to bring it up. I just gave it past. Oh, Mary to medicine. We don't want to bring you boring. Don't give me mess. Coming up. Okay, this show is so cheap that they just take little sound effects from every other show on Bravo.

They don't even bother making anything for this show. They're using the Top Chef elimination. Zing! Yeah. I didn't realize that.icca's getting eliminated. They're like, tonight on Mary to Messison. Zing! He's cooking on this show.

Hands down, utensils up. Padma, what are you doing on here? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was Top Chef. Today, we have food and wine magazines, up. Padma, what are you doing on here? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was Top Chef. Today we have Food and Wine Magazine's table of contents.

No one will come on this show. To judge the women of Merit Medicine, we have three interns from Food and Wine and me, a pre-recorded tape from 2008. Their names are Heather, Heather, and Heather. tape from 2000 their names are heather heather and heather should be coming back soon i can't wait for top chef to come back i know we certainly have a lot

i know that you know i was looking for dates for the uh trash talk schedule or whatever so i had to look up all these stupid dates top chef hasn't even announced opera ski november 2nd what or opera ski how do you say it well opera ski well it's weird because normally top chef premieres in the fall because then they always have these episodes these like thanksgiving christmas episodes so it's weird but i'm sure an announcement will come soon because um they just announced real housewives of Atlanta is coming back early November, as usual, and we just saw a trailer for that, which we can also talk about that trailer.

Did you see the trailer? No, let's save it for next time because this will be a 20-hour podcast anyway. We'll do it Thursday. Let's focus on our medical ladies. Mess us in. Focus on mess us in. Mess us in.

Mess us in. So go on, Ronnie. Go on. I forgot what I was saying. Anyway, that's not coming back for a long time, but probably because they have like 70 contestants this year. We were at the first one. Allegedly.

Yeah, we were at the first one. There were like 90 people. Were we? I don't think we were. We were. We were not part of anything. Someone who looks like me with a scowl about everything was there and who hates the sun. And it smelled like...

Never mind. I can't say. Okay, so so i don't know what you're talking about anyway this one starts married to medicine begins and it was killing me because it's like coming up on the married to medicine or well it's andy so it's like coming up on the married to medicine round he's all tired um toya's a lesbian. It's like, dun-dun, dun-dun. And they're like, Toya, are you a lesbian? She's like, I should have done it for Eugene.

And Eugene, like, nods. And then suddenly it's like, do-do-do-do. It's like violins and Jackie's crying. She's like, my dad's dead or something. And then it's like, dun-dun, dun-dun. Aiden's bad rug, which is getting worse and worse. And I was like, this is going to be amazing. For hair plugs, they look awfully thin.

From fake lesbianism, open marriages, to dead dads and bad rugs. It was like in two seconds. Bring it on, Mary Jemesison. So, by the way, the big headline here is that Toya was the voice of reason during this entire episode, as she has sort of been for some of the season. And I don't know. I'm really loving Toya these days. She's cracking me up.

Everybody's loving Toya, even all the ladies. Yeah. They're like, Toya's an idiot, but, you know, at least she's an honest idiot. Yeah. At least you know what you're getting. Yeah. You got an omnibus little gene in it. I felt like I did have a voice. I was like, that's one thing you've got. Yeah. You're getting an ambulance with Eugene in it. I felt like I didn't

have a voice. I was like, that's one thing you've got. Okay? You've got plenty of voice. Yeah. So Andy opens it with... Did I say I didn't have a voice? I meant to say I didn't have a swimming pool. That's what I meant. I meant to say I would really like to have a bar in the middle of my swimming pool

with Eugene. I want both a bar you can drink from and I just want a bar because I like that. I like bars. I like to put them up in the middle of my swimming pool, Gene. I want both a bar you can drink from, and I just want a bar, because I like that. I like bars. I like to put them up on things. Yeah, but I don't like being cold, because when you're cold, you go, bar. I hate crow bars, because I don't like crows, but I like bars, so it's a little weird. I'm a little conflicted about crow bars. I like lambs, because they say bar.

You know what I love? I love that song that goes, ba-ba bye bye black sheet i'm always like bye bye bye bye bye bye bye black sheet i'll see you later black sheet no that's quad's version of bye felicia quad says everything that's like 10 years old on urban dictionary she's she's like bye felicia he's like hello quad and she's like hello messy boots oh come on now she's like you better step off she sounds like Heather but not

like the white mom version because you know Heather she's a big old drag queen regards regards comma Felicia that makes me laugh every time so Andy starts it open. We're busting down the emergency room doors.

Hi, Jackie. Is fit the new it? Hi, Simone. Hi, quad. Hi, messy boots. Step off. Hi, heavenly. Oh, Andy.

Getting into tune. And Jill from Minnesota. I can hear somebody trying to communicate. What? What? Is that my kids? Oh, that was mean. Consider the source

i have an app blink blink uh i have an app i have an app blink blink every time you swipe right it's like blink blink uh What's the tea, honey? Oh, yeah. Quad's thing was, what's the tea, honey? The tea is going to be hot today, Andy. Tea! We boil some water and we put some bags in it. We're going to make some tea and add some coffee cream to it, because we're crazy, Andy!

You better not invite Mr. Coffee to this reunion because it's all tea! I hope you don't spill that tea because you're going to have some messy coffee tea boots, Andy. You know what they say about hot tea when you spill it, the camels don't come around. I'm trying. Quad keeps changing her voice

because sometimes she's like, I'm Miss Quad, honey. And then sometimes she's like very professional. She's like, yes, Andy. Well, what has transpired is that there was a teapot that was made and was left on the stove for a certain amount of time. That is indeterminate, but we know that the temperature therefore has risen to a certain level where it is in fact piping hot and will transpire on your mouth. I know that the coffee is ready because the teapot is whistling and it sounds like Lisa Nicole, Andy.

The teapot is whistling, which means the roller park is open for business, if you know what I'm saying. She's like a whistle in the rain. It's like snap, crackle, and pop. Those Rice Krispies are all in that tea, if you know what I'm saying. Nope, don't know what you're saying at all. Snap, crackle, and tea whistle, Andy. And he's like great great great andy i think uh last week on one of these reunions or whatever said that he's done like

8 000 reunion hours or something and uh god bless him he has the most positive attitude but he in this one he's not even pretending. His mouth is like half open half the time. Yeah. He's like, hi. We're busting down the emergency room. Hi, Jackie. So he asked Quad about her wigs. And he's like, who's your Cher thing? And it's Naomi.

But he says Cher. And then so she keeps doing the Cher thing for the rest of the time. And I don't even know if she knows that she's doing it. She does the Cher drag queen hair flip thing all the time. I love it. She's like, do you believe in life after love? I believe in life

after tuna ta-ta. I don't know. I believe in love after life. When else you gonna find love after death? When you die, Andy! The tea's ready. Get your coffee creamer. So they start with a segment about Heavenly's snark. Yeah, which was funny. I love that.

Which was very, very funny. But then everybody hates Heavenly because they've seen the show now. And she's even worse. She's even worse than she is in person. She is so, so mean. and no one is amused by this yeah she's like oh it's all fun and if you don't like it then you know then i won't play with you yeah but the problem is is that you're not playing with people you're talking behind their backs if you were doing it to their face they could respond but well i imagine it's funny because

some of them sometimes her snark i assumed was like inside joke winking at like simone for instance like i feel like she has like a like a little like a like a funny rivalry with simone where they just trash each other behind each other's backs but it's like a joke it's like they're roasting each other but not in each other's presence but maybe i read that wrong because i think it is with i think it is with people like simone but dr jackie and dr jackie is not going to take too kindly when you're like, why the hell would you be able to have a diet? You're an old lady and you have a shitty body, basically. And Jackie's like, okay, well, thank you.

Blink. Slow, angry, disappointed, but still going to stay calm. Blink. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I was sipping my coffee. National Coffee Day. Can you tell? Can you tell?

Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag. What did she say? I'm finally doing it. I did it. I did it. I did it. What was Tamara saying when she was saying about religion coming out of the closet? I hit it and I hit it and I hit it and now I love Jesus.

I hit it and I hit it and I hit it, batch. All right. So let's skip through. We don't have to go through every moment. Do we have this? No, no. By the way, Lisa Nicole, her boobs were huge. Popping out.

Yes. And she was wearing her own dress. Yeah. Wow. And by the way, we have to talk about Quad's dress. She had zippers in every strange place. It was not her finest moment. And there was like a moment when Lisa Nicole said,

yes, this is my own creation, Andy, because you must be a walking billboard when you're a real designer. And then it cuts to Quad frowning and she's like, what are you talking about? That's why I'm wearing 18 dog quinceañera dresses in together with a safety pin. This ain't Pups in paris this is the

reunion pups in paris is stupid so yeah that dress uh anyway so heavenly's trying to stand up for herself kind of and make it all like oh i was just kidding it was just all in fun and everybody's giving her dirty look and then then what was Troia? Something about being envious. Oh, no. Andy said, well, are you envious of Jackie? And she's like, I am envious, Andy. I'm not jealous.

I don't want to be some old stick. I can't do my high today. I had too many cigarettes. She's like, see see i'm a little jealous you know because even though she got the body of a little boy at least she never loses her cool i respect that i do daddy everyone's fake manners and this was awesome she's like well i don't i'm not jealous of her being an old, nasty, crotchety bitch, but, you know, she is a

doctor, so good for her. Yay, women. And then Jackie just nodded and she's like, I appreciate that. I don't feel like a boy when I take off my clothes, but, you know, oh, she complimented, I know I'm stuttering, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to read my notes.

Jackie's answer was so funny because Heavenly just tried to give her a compliment even though it was really hard for her. And she said, well, I'm just happy that when I take off my clothes, I don't look like a busted can of biscuits. Yes, that's right. Oh, yeah. That came out of nowhere. Way to keep your composure.

And what an amazing description, by the way. Yeah, it's true it's true busted can of biscuits it's like that uh that's all pissed like oh wow you're doing great at taking the joke heavenly yeah she's like yeah well basically heavenly you do kind of look like something that exploded on the back of a woman's head and she called the police because she thought she'd been shot yes yes and thank you for complimenting my maturity yeah and then andy kept on heavenly i guess just to get it out of the way because honestly she was the funniest thing in the season so he said now heavenly uh someone on you know barbara from billingsley cat food new york asked

if you are being a good example to alora with this kind of behavior. She's like, yes, Allura can be whatever she wants to be, Andy. Look, she made my dress out of pantyhose, Velcro, and a shoestring and some chewed up Pringles, Andy. She's going to be fine. She made a fascinator out of lint. Also biscuit mix. Fascinator out of lint. Also biscuit mix.

So Simone was like, I would rather hang out with Allure because she really knows how to shit talk when I'm mad at Toya. It's like, these people, what the hell? So party, party, Toya fight. That's over now. So who cares? I regret that. I regret how I acted and then Dr. Jackie enters and she's like

well I think the problem with Toya and Simone is that they both had difficult childhoods and so they're taking their anger out on their parents at each other and sometimes you're mad at your father but you're yelling at Toya and Toya's like I agree.

My mom was strong-willed, and I didn't have a voice. But now I sit on top of a van, and I go, Eugene! Eugene! And then people come out, and they're like, oh, is it time for injections? Eugene, my mom, I'll be like, hey, Mom, what dinner and she'd be like shut up and i'm like i hate simone now what i should have did has been like i love you simone and i hate my mom but i got it all confused because eugene was like eating so much food by the nanny cam i had the apology for you but eugene ate it i saw it on the camera. I had came here with a apology, but yeah, Eugene's

like a goat. He just eats it all. Big old mountain goat. Big fat mountain goat. I love him. I love that Eugene. Oh, God. So they start talking about sad things. God, my face is dirty. I just wiped it with a paper towel and it's like

got dirt all over it. That's classy. So anyway, they take another call and someone andy's like uh doreen from doritos wisconsinville simone you know by the way when you make up when you make up the city names you don't have to make up the state names there's no such place as Wisconsinville. Doritos Wisconsinville. It's just Doritos Wisconsin. Anyway, they ask Simone, well, hey, Simone, if you can forgive,

if you can save lives, why can't you forgive your alcoholic father? It's like, what the hell kind of question is that? Jesus. And she starts to cry, understandably, and she's like, I guess I kind of question is that? Jesus. She starts to cry, understandably. And she's like, I guess I will have to be there for him. Like, there's no other choice.

Yeah, what does one thing have to do with another? Like, you can straighten a bone. Now, why can't you just be nice to the addict who's wrecked your family? She's like, oh, yeah, it's totally the same thing, Andy. And then they all start crying. And Heavenly is like, no, wait, who said it? Simone. Someone said, tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Oh, yeah.

And even if tomorrow does promise things, it could probably lie. And then you're going to have to forgive tomorrow because that's what you do. Sometimes tomorrow goes to the strip club and that's not cool. But you know what? Sometimes that's what tomorrow has to do. I will never go back. Tomorrow has frozen sushi breath. And you say, you went to the strip club.

And it says no. So you just pretend it smells like Captain Crunch instead. Sometimes tomorrow wears mom jeans and that's okay. Where's mom jeans? And that's okay. Which was, by the way, that was Lisa Nicole's way. I felt like it was like a barb at quad because didn't quad respond back saying like, well, yes, you know, tomorrow is not promised to us. But sometimes we need time to get to tomorrow or something like that.

I don't know. Everything Lisa says is a barb, but she says it in that really nice little girl voice. It's supposed to not be a barb, but we know what you're doing. Well, tomorrow, you know, tomorrow sometimes needs water in its face or it will never shut up. And then you'll be stuck in an apple piece

and you'll never be able to get your awesome blossom because the waiters are afraid to come outside. Tomorrow's a hood rat. Let's just be honest. I hope it's not promised to us because I don't want that hood rat tomorrow. Tomorrow will steal the change right out of your purse. Hmm. I like that you added that contemplative moment at the end. Because Lisa does that.

She's always acting like she's really thinking and trying to find the nicest way to say it, but it's always awful. But then she got fired up because I think the next segment was Andy talking about the big fight between Lisa and Squad, right? That is the ultimate betrayal, honey! I like when he said, so heavenly, did you get mad? Because Lisa Nicole was like, well, the reason I did it is because I was considering you. Yeah, the background check. I was considering going into business with you. Because remember, we were going to go to New York and look at clothes together.

And clothes are my business. So we were in business together. And also the reunion was coming up and I wanted some dirt to throw out. So also business. And she admitted it, which is the first time that she actually said, I did this so I could get shit for the reunion. And Andy said, did you do it for everyone? She's like, no, it's too expensive. But I did do one for Heavenly and Toya.

Heavenly's like, well, Google's free. Well, like, what are you going to get mad at people for using Google? I don't care. She can do it. Go ahead. Toya's like, I don't know why you're spending money to do a background check. I mean, look behind me. There's some curtains.

That's the background. I checked it. While Uchi did the background, I write checks. Lisa Nicole's like, well, Toya said she wanted to rent big business, so I thought, oh, better do a background check. There's so much fashion there. So, I'm proud of you. You're friends. Now, who cares?

Who cares? Who cares? Something before death. Oh, yeah. Heavenly tries to start some weird kind of fight because they're saying tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. And then Heavenly says, yes, and I'm not trying to start drama with you, but

what if you didn't say something? And then they die. And then Jackie's like, well, I've never had unfinished business. I don't even understand what all that was about. I guess the dad was Heavenly trying to fight with her about her dead dad? I don't know. I guess the dad was heavily trying to fight with her about her dead dad. I don't know. I actually don't think she was trying to start a fight. I think she was actually

saying, she was trying to give advice and be like, I'm not trying to fight with you. I'm telling you, you should not wait. I don't know. Because everything they said, it seemed like it was going to be a big fight, but then they'd be like, but I love you dearly and I hug you with my heart.

And they're like, thank you. It's so weird. It's like you just called each other a lying, you know, lesbian serial killer who like rips butterflies or something. But I'm sorry. Oh, it's okay. I accept. Yeah. Whatever.

Well, no, that was a big contention because Lisa Nicole was like, Quad, I had no idea that the background check would be so hurtful. And I sincerely, I genuinely apologize for the harm it did to you. And then Andy's like, well, Quad, will you accept that? And Quad's like, well, you see, here's the thing with doggy biscuits, is that they crumble in many different ways. And sometimes the sun shines and sometimes there's a train coming through. And when that comes through, you've got to get the peanut butter out of the fridge.

Like, so, do you accept it? Well, I mean, Andy, let me put it to you this way. Do you put sunglasses on when you go underwater? Well, no, but... Exactly. I'm like a, I, she spoke and my palm felt a fist tapping on it. Letters. And I read the letters and I'm contemplating the Morse code, Andy.

He's like, uh, so is that a yes? She's like, well, when you put your head to the ground and you listen for an earthquake, sometimes you hear majesty. And sometimes you hear the wind blow dear he's like okay moving on then and then they were like talking about that ain't forgiveness

you're doing it wrong she's like quad just say I'm sorry I'll have to give you an injection say I'm sorry. Sluice little. I'll have to give you an injection, Quad. I'm going to infuse a sorry to you, Quad. But Quad is so shady because in her process of semi-apologizing, she managed to mention Darren's fake mistress like three times by name. No, that was the little girl, wasn't it? They were talking about the

illegitimate child. There were so many weird things in this one little segment. First of all, they showed the fight again. Here we are outside Applebee's. And they show the fight again. So Lisa throws the water or whatever. So she throws up.

Quad's losing it. Quad comes up to her face like she's going to attack her. Lisa doesn't push her hard. She just like moves her back. Pushes her away. Yeah. Right. Then Quad picks up a glass, which I didn't notice last time.

Quad is holding a glass and about to swing it at Lisa. And that's why Lisa picks up the glass again like throws the glass it hurts so that whole thing was crazy and quad you came at her first and you went after her physically first and also this is supposed to be a glass to throw the actual glass at her first and quad also picked the fight because they were supposed to be putting everything behind themselves and instead quad comes up with this background report and starts putting everything out there and Lisa did have a point which is that like yes

I ran a background check on you and if I had realized it would hurt you so much I wouldn't have done it but you you did a background check on my husband and you came up with all these lies and you put it out there and you said that there was...

Like, what Quad did was much more harmful because we still don't really even... I don't even remember what Lisa found in her background report. I don't think that even came out. But Quad fully put it out there and then continued to put it out there in the reunion.

And that's why everyone was saying to Quad, like, Quad, you're putting shit out there. Stop it. And she's like, well, you know, sometimes you got to put a tiara on a palm tree. And Lisa Nicole's going apeshit. She's like, and then you made up a rumor

about an abandoned child or an illegitimate child or something. And Quad's like, what'd I say? I mean, if you have an illegitimate child, all you should have said was, we have an illegitimate child, and it wouldn't have been a fight. Yeah, that's such bullshit. and then she's like i'm sorry i brought up the illegitimate child named you know heather i'm sorry that i brought up heather almay at 55 55 sycamore Boulevard. Zip code 900 Wisconsinville.

Doritos Wisconsinville. I'm sorry that I've given out the map. I'm sorry that I dropped a pin on Heather's home, the illegitimate child in Wisconsinville. I'm sorry that I inaccurately said that your gay husband had a baby,

but I'm sure I meant no harm to your closeted gay husband who may have AIDS terrible and then quad not quad Lisa Nicole is like well that was her fault you went after my family and then quad's like well yeah but you called

me a lesbian and I have a family too and I'm just sitting there thinking that her poor dogs are sitting there in tutus like oh my, mom's a dyke. Our life is ruined. No, those dogs are like, no, Lisa Nicole got bad information. She's just a gay man. She's not a lesbian.

Her dream is to be a lesbian. How dare you? Yeah, so that was all kind of ridiculous and of course they're all in the wrong. Yeah. Also wonderful and crazy. Yeah, so that was all kind of ridiculous. And of course, they're all in the wrong. Yeah. Also wonderful and crazy. But they reach an uneasy peace.

Wait, wait, wait. Before an easy peace, there's another uneasy reach here. And this is during the fight scene. Lisa Nicole, okay, Quad goes after Lisa Nicole, and she grabs the middle of her eyebrows. So like the top of her nose. She's like pinched the top of her eyebrows. What is that? I've never seen that. I thought it was like a poke.

I thought she originally thought that she poked her in the head, but she didn't. She like gave her like a pinch, but between the eyebrows. What the fuck? I saw a lice. God, we really need to pay more attention to this yeah i'm i'm you know i'm concerned we're not detail oriented enough mariah was backstage by the way this whole time being intercut watching in a chair surrounded by like you know five old queens like all the old queens from the comeback you know lisa nicole like old queen who follows lisa Kudrow around it's like five of him like

you're hilarious honey and all she's doing is saying things like they should have fixed Simone's edges that ain't right and they're like oh Mariah edges oh girl you are so

funny and Aiden sitting there looking like he's watching the most stressful football game ever like he's biting his lower lip and concentrating really hard and he's calling everyone fake and meanwhile he's wearing like a raw stress for less 20 rug on his is mariah allowed to make commentary about people's edges when her husband has that hair situation i'm just your husband looks like a an eraser like a chalkboard eraser turned upside down like that shit isn't even approaching real hair you two both you kids go the hell away both of you so um so then we we learned about what jill has

been up to uh which is that was so sad that was. That's a really fucked up situation. It's like really fucked up. I actually hope Jill's okay. It sounds like there's more to that story. It sounds like she was either on something or she's – I mean, that marriage is fucked if she was seeing someone else. But that's a bad situation for Jill. So I feel bad for her. Yeah, so Toria told the story.

So we talked about this before because it was exactly what was in the blogs and stuff, which is he saw her phone go off and it was a text or something from somebody that she was having an affair with supposedly. And he confronted her and said if she's having an affair, he's taking the kids. And then she started freaking out and then it turned into a physical altercation. He called the police. She got taken to jail. She was in jail for three days and didn't see into a physical altercation. He called the police. She got taken to jail. She was in jail for three days and didn't see the kids for

30 days and now she has no money and is broken living with her parents. That's very sad. And her kids are gone. I know. I know. It's like crying for the victim here. She's not the victim but it still is a sad situation. Well, yeah, she is.

She's a victim. I mean, it's a sad situation well yeah she is well she's the one who's cheating a victim they i mean it's it's a sad situation but i mean if she were cheating and she did these things then that's that's no good but it's still sad all around it's sad for those kids yeah it's sad because even if she's just a victim of craziness you know that's you know i don't know i just feel even i mean heavenly doesn't seem like a bad person yeah even heavenly felt bad well of course she does it in traditional reality show way where she's like i feel for lisa her husband's a prick i told you you know it's like heavenly's of course using it to bolster her own stupid fight and toy even had to be like well what you showed today wouldn't talk about your own fight because you call her a stupid bitch like she started like and eventually reaching out yeah wasn't toy who said like i think that like jill was reaching out because heavenly said that she was saying she thinks that jill was

just lashing out because of you know being disrespected by her horrible man at home and when when a woman has affairs it's not like when a man does it because men do it for sex and women do it for because they're not getting something at home emotionally. And then she's like, wait a second now.

She wasn't lashing out at you. She was fighting with you because you were being ignorant. And she's like, well, didn't you hear all those racial slurs? Like when she offered me fried chicken that was on the menu as fried chicken

and she's like just someone offering you watermelon doesn't make you black i mean come on now you can't sue somebody for being a ding-a-ling yeah exactly judge toya yeah toya toya was bringing a lot of uh reason it's very sad when when toya is schooling you on everything i know good for you toya bush harris and thank you for favoriting our tweet yesterday It's very sad when Toya is schooling you on everything. I know. Good for you, Toya Bush-Harris. And thank you for favoriting our tweet yesterday. She did? Well, I sent her the vine of the marriage medicine. Well, I did a vine of Lisa Nicole and Quad, and I thought that Toya would like it.

And I was hoping that she would retweet it to her legions of fans. She didn't, but you know what? I appreciate the favorite anyway. Well, sometimes that's okay because on Twitter, they take it way more seriously than we do. Oh, my God. They're like, how could you ruin a child's life? Makeup artist who appeared on camera in weird pants.

It's like, whoa, you're overreacting a little bit there, Twitter. So then the episode pretty much ended with Mariah coming out and Andy being like, so, what does it feel like to be on the couches? It's like, does anyone care? The real show's about to start, Andy. I have things to say.

She's ridiculous. If she just sat there, they showed her the whole time making these witty, hilarious like terrible stupid comments about things she wasn't even involved in the whole season and while her husband got way too involved and sat there in a bad rug

and now she's coming out and it takes two of those Lisa Kudrow queens behind her to carry her fucking dress from Chico or not Chico's what's the place with the like it's not Frederick's. Talbots? No, something terrible. Just something terrible. The Biller's Quinceañera Department, okay? How about

Paredes? It was bad. Fias Paredes. In El Paso, in El Paso, it's called Elolia, and it's these, like, gold lame stores that, like, the rich Mexican ladies wear, like, in the soap operas and stuff. And the store's called Elolia. And there's a big snake on the front

made out of glitter. So yeah, she comes out in her Elolia dress and the queens carry it out. And they make her sit next to Jackie. And Dr. Jackie says, may I speak with management? And I like that they sat her all the way on kind of the no man's land of the cast yeah

that way they can just like kick her off when things get really annoying exactly probably in about three minutes shift the camera she's making pop by face again move the camera copyright infringement like downing some spinach in one thing oh Mariah She's ridiculous I hope she goes away And she's hinting that she's not Because she's like I just had to take a break this season She overstayed her welcome The first few episodes I was like yay And then I'm like no no no oh I forgot

I hate Mariah go away She's the worst And that ends our Married to Medicine talk I think there's only About four more reunions how many reunions does this one get just one more or two more I think just one more but you never know well

bye and then next time we have below deck ladies of London and the real housewives of Atlanta preview I know oh and speaking of Twitter Ron and I have the great honor of being followed by Kate from below deck which is so great. Oh, my God.

I'm totally practicing your voice now. See, I can't do it, but I will be able to do it by Thursday, damn it. Mine, as you remember, mine's sort of like a just a different variation on the Shannon Bedore. I speak. This is my Kate. She speaks like this to me. I just like thinking of Kate sitting on a washing machine somewhere listening to us and just being glad that she's not around the

people upstairs. I think of her listening to us and thinking to herself, these guys are so stupid. These guys are idiots. They've never been on a yacht. They've been at Club Med at best. These guys are like

Holiday Inn on land. Sad. These guys are like the slide. Something terrible that we all hate. These guys are so Howard the Duck. It's like I feel bad for Leah Thompson for even being around that mess.

Hashtag justice! We love ya everybody out there. Love you all. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. Remember to listen to our bonus episode because it was really funny today.

And hope you get some coffee. And we'll be back on Thursday for more fun stuff below deck, as Ronnie said. And Ladies of London, our favorite show on TV at the moment. So, bye, everyone. Until then, forward. Forward.

Stop. Valentina, stop the podcast. Pauline, press stop for Valentina. Valentina, turn off the microphone. Pauline, shut down the computer. Valentina, upload to iTunes. Got bad news, mom. Badine, shut down the computer. Valentina, upload to iTunes. Got bad news, Mum. Bad news, Mum.

Podcast is over. You don't seem to even care, Mum. Pauline, while you're in the stockroom, the podcast is over. Valentina, get Pauline out of the stockroom. Tell her the podcast is over. Pauline, call Valentina to drop the mic. She's eating it. Eating the mic.

Drop it. Drop. Slowly. On the floor. Relief. Bad news, mum. Microphone's ruined. Oh, great. Now the gift shop's broken. Less calories than jelly dots. Well done. Alright, Pauline. Pauline,

write a memo to Esmeralda, write a memo to Pauline, write a memo to Valentina, saying, well done then. Heads up, chins up. Bad news, man. We had to get rid of all the pens. Don't have enough money for it, unless you fire

Pauline. Pauline, you're fired. You've been replaced with a pen. Pauline's chin isn't up. It's unhinged. It unhinged it to get the microphone out, man. Can't talk now. Hinge jaw. Re-hinge.

Hey, man. Bad news, man. They're out of the gel pens. They only have eraser mates. Would you like an eraser mate? No, of course not. I don't want an erasable pen. That's ridiculous.

The hawk is going to come out. Valentina. Staples. Bye. I'm going to kill you if you don't rest up. I'm going to kill you. Sorry. It's like the worst thing happened.

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