Watch What Crappens - #225: Social Terrorism and Naked Maids

Episode Date: October 1, 2015

Caroline Stansbury assaults another cast member with her unicorn hump and all hell breaks loose. Juliet might not be invited to har parties now. The class on display in Ladies of London can only be followed by our favorite show about maids, of course. Alex P Keaton yells about his power while everyone else gets naked and covered in carbs. Below Deck is, in fact, on deck, and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog, Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) laugh about it for over two hours. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Today's episode of Watch What Crappens was brought to you by premium subscribers Claudia Catalina and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. Now on to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that love we have for crap on Bravo.

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. And as usual, I'm with the gorgeously thin, talented, thinking thin, and loving life, Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. Yes, I love thinking thin and acting not thin at all. Acting against it. Think thin, Valentina.

Welcome to the show. Today, we've got so much fun stuff. But first, go on over to watchwhatcrappens.com to find all of our links. You can find the links to the iTunes, to the SoundCloud, to the everything, to our Instagrams, our Vine. I mean, it's all there. We've been doing really fun Vines at What Crappens on Vine. And what else do I have to say, Ben? Well, you can talk

about our Facebook page. Oh, yeah. Come to Facebook.com. I'm reading it right now, so I'm not thinking about it. Come to facebook.com slash watch what crap ends where you can discuss the crop with other listeners and us and we talk about shows during the week as they go live show threads etc post your own articles there it's becoming the best new source for housewives yeah and uh i think that's it follow us on twitter blah blah blah we're having such a fun week it's been like a bravo avalanche with nothing really happening on bravo but well yeah i guess there is there's like a lot of cancer stuff but then we have shows

like below deck where people like clean out the closet for an hour and i'm still taking three pages of notes tons of notes tons and tons of notes. Tons and tons of notes. By the way, you should also remind people that people can support us on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Watch What Crappens. And if you support us there, just think of it as like NPR or Public Broadcasting, PBS. National Who Radio. Yeah, exactly. Just pretend like you're supporting Downton Abbey and all things considered.

Well, we are always worried about the rent. It is like Downton Abbey in that regard. And we're very snotty about it. Like we're rich, but we're really poor. And I always broadcast in shirt and tie. So I am very much like Lord Grantham. And Bonnie always has a lovely hat. I'm a Mary all day long.

I'm an Edith. That's more my style. So yeah, if you support us, you get access to cool things like a bonus episode. Our bonus episode from this week was bonus episode 52, which means we've been doing bonus episodes for 52 weeks which means it's been going on for a year that is crazy we have talked about more nothing than seinfeld's did yeah wait how many episodes were there about like 9 000 yeah all right that's our goal to talk more nothing than seinfeld's more nothing than seinfeld but 52 i mean that's a lot um and they're so fun i i love doing the bonus episode um the only thing that's a lot. And they're so fun. I love doing the bonus episode.

The only thing that's hard about the bonus episode, in the beginning, they were just 20 minutes long. And now they seem to always be close to an hour. And then we record our normal episode. And so on those days where we do the bonus episode, wow. That's a lot of talking for the two of us. It is. I get so sick of listening to myself. And then I just keep talking. I'll call people. It's an addiction. It is. I get so sick of listening to myself and then I just keep talking. I'll call people.

It's an addiction. It's a talking addiction. Well, I think last week was it that we did normal episode, we did bonus episode and we did Google Hangout and so by the end of the Google Hangout, I'm like,

I can't banter about Bravo anymore. I just can't have banter with anyone right now. Google Hangout is hilarious. It's so funny getting to know people and especially over and over. Some of those guys we've hung out with once a month now for a year, I guess. Yeah, pretty much. And you all get to know each other. It's so funny. We all know each other's pets and inside jokes and stuff. There's always like half an hour into the Google Hangout. There's always some sort of pet roll call where everyone lifts up their cat or their dog. That's my favorite part. And I have nothing to show.

Yeah. This time I lifted up my Lebanese cousin and her gorgeous husband. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. I had nothing. And as long as we're pimping out everything, I can I give a shout out to my friend Neil. pimping out everything. Can I give a shout out to my friend Neil? Neil just launched his very own podcast that is very different from this one. It's called Past Present.

Neil is a historian and he has a book coming out in like two weeks called We Gather Together, I believe. When cafes were put into castles. The history of the sandwich. So Neil is very smart, but he also is a dedicated Watch What Crappens listener. He and his partner, Nate, have been listening since the beginning, basically.

They listen to every episode. They totally support us. So I think it would be great if people wanted to support them that they did that. The podcast is more – it's definitely more intelligent than ours. What's it called? The podcast is called Past Present. And I can actually pull up the official description. Past Present.

Yeah, it's – Neil and Nate. That is the cutest couple name ever. Neil and Nate. Nate and Neil. Nate. That is the cutest couple name ever. Neil and Nate. Nate and Neil. Yeah, they're very smart. They're actually just two great people. I love them both.

So it's really like, it's like my honor to pimp out their pod. Well, Nate's not on the podcast, but Neil's podcast. But it's a conversation style history podcast featuring three historians talking about what's happening in the world today. And our weekly episodes will bring our unique historical perspectives to political and cultural debates, offering listeners an alternative to a reflexive and polarized world of punditry. Amen. A.K.A. sometimes that's what our bonus episode is at times. Reflexive and polarized.

So anyway, go check that out on iTunes. My Childhood. That's my childhood storybook that I'm going to draw. I'm going to draw myself as a big blobby monster coming after children with bangs. Reflexive, offensive, punditry. They

sound really cute. That sounds like a good show, and I need some good shows to listen to. That couple sounds really cute, but are they as cute as Kevin and Jessica? Because this continues Jessica's birthday week. Yeah, she is our super sponsor. Yes, I'm reading this email from her husband, and it's really cute. Okay, listen to this. She's my beautiful, kind beautiful kind smart and fun baby i love her

and she means the world to me she's turning 30 and we just got married on june 13th you know what that is the most beautiful thing hold on there's another one that lists what they're gonna do uh festivities continue through dinner tomorrow party yacht and limo around dc saturday wait do we know wait are these surprise events oh i don't know i don't know too late sorry jessica well hopefully she won't listen to this till saturday she will uh anyway this is an amazing thing there's so many things he's doing for her on her birthday so So I clicked them, which I mean, I can't believe I hadn't clicked them before. But finally, I was like jealous of their love. So I clicked them and found them on Facebook.

Both hot. I mean, what the hell? Hot people love each other like this too? Yes. Like they're really cute and stuff. I want to look at our hot super sponsor. So anyway, Jessica, for your gift this year, you've given me the gift of believing in love for other people.

So thank you. That's the first step. Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'm looking right now. Anyway, happy birthday to you, Jessica. Wow, our hot super sponsor, Jessica. You guys, I love you guys.

Thanks for sponsoring us. You guys are the hottest show, Ben. She is our hottest super sponsor. It's 8-11. It's pre-terrorism. So let's start. Let's start before 9-11 hits. Okay.

All right. So below Drake. No, wait. First, let's start with Real housewives of atlanta yeah by the way today i slept i think nine hours i feel great i don't have a lot of coffee in me and i'm a bubbling idiot so i guess i just need to be strung out and no sleep to even get a sentence out i have i am i'm sipping on my coffee i just have my my ThinkThin bar pre-podcast, and I'm ready to discuss things. Okay, let's do it.

So wait, we're going to press play at the same time, right? Hold on. Yeah, we're going to do a three, two, one. Okay, so what's going to happen is we're going to watch the Atlanta trailer. You're going to hear it on the air. If this sounds annoying to you, then you can fast forward two minutes in the podcast and we will be done listening to it. Yeah. Okay.

That's just a general rule for our podcast. Anytime something sounds annoying, just fast forward two minutes. Just go two minutes at a time until you hit a part that you like. Okay. All right, ready? Yeah.

Three, two, one, go. This season on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Hello, ladies. Drag queen. Good drag queen portion. She has like string cheese on her butt and a headband. Justice headband. Oh, they're at Chateau Charest.

Oh, here comes Kim Lord. Tootie with big hair. The one time a year Kenya Moore jogs. It's only on this show. You weren't famous to me because I didn't even know who you were. Portia didn't know who she was. Well, of course, she doesn't really know anyone. She's like, what are you talking about, Willis?

She's like, that was not me, actually. You know, there's a lot of Portia. Candy is now pregnant. There's a lot of Portia, but I don't think she's a cast member. Riley. Todd still has really high-backed chairs in his dining room. That is not helping your case, Todd.

This is Phaedra and Apollo. Phaedra does not talk to Apollo. That's a lie. Thirsty women. None of this makes sense to me right now. Some date is calling Kenya homicidal Here sure a This is my language

Peter does not feel doesn't seem to be doing much. There's more portion Kim Fields has crazy hair in every scene. They show right? Yeah, she has different hair and I think it's her real hair. Oh Yes, Cynthia and Peter having issues over that video scene they show right now. She has different hair and I think it's her real hair. Oh yeah, Cynthia and Peter are having issues over that video. I can't stop. I can't stop Peter's group. Oh, Dr. Jackie. Dr. Jackie is checking out a kit of candy.

You cannot imagine. I won't iron this shit. Bitch. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't need to be upset. There's Marlo. Marlo Hampton's back. Oh, Peter versus Kenya.

People call you stupid, but I know you're actually not that damn stupid. I'm really trying not to throw my drink on her. Shreya's never tried not to throw her drink on her. Look at her hair. New hair. Every scene. Look at her hair. Someone falls over.

Kim Fields definitely has a lot of interesting hair going on. Wow. So basically, I have no idea what's going to happen on this season, but I'm already excited because Kim Fields has crazy hair. Yeah. Peter gets in trouble. I was just. And Sharae is back. I just made out with that girl in the club so she would drink some Peter's brew.

She has some Peter's brew. Viral marketing. My chlamydia comes with Peter's Brew. She asked for some Peter's Brew. Viral marketing. My chlamydia comes with Peter's Brew. It was viral, babe. Everyone's going to come. Yeah, bar one. Bar one Peter's Brew hybrid viral marketing success under the highway. So I feel like this show never really went off the air, did it?

I mean, how long has it been off? Two weeks? Yeah, two or three weeks at most. It's like the longest Housewives of all time. I know. Well, OC has been on a lot. This has been a long season. I think it's up to like 19 episodes, 18 or 19 episodes, which I'm loving.

What is the project that Kenya's going to work on this year? I didn't see Kenya working on anything. Like, I didn't see a workout video. I didn't see anything. I mean, I i didn't see a workout video i didn't see anything i mean i saw her pretending that she's a jogger but that was maybe uh let's see she's already done a workout video she's already done a tv pilot she's already done a song so i mean she could do a movie she could do a play she probably should do a play yeah i think a play or musical well the last uh the sitcom pilot thing was kind of a play

they all talked like they were in a play that's true welcome to breakfast you are my mother and you are my sister and we all have the same contacts what about our cookbook i think a cookbook yeah yeah after that first year when she tried to cook for that date that was good yeah she'll do a cookbook that's what you open it and every page just says call someone yeah it's basically one of those pamphlets that shows you where all the delivery places are yeah it's an eat 24 it's like a val pack for a restaurant yeah or it's just a val pack with her face on it i just had to open up a couponing distribution system. So Kim feels they don't show her doing much.

Maybe because it's her first season, but surely she yells at somebody. I mean, who tells 2D they don't know who they are. That's great. Well, I mean, Porsche doesn't really know anyone outside of probably like boy meets world.

I don't know. Like she doesn't, she doesn't have a frame of reference on anything they keep showing portia in this like swimsuit cover thing that's like the phaedra but i don't know it looks like someone caught a really really nasty fish in the in the in the water because they're all parting on the water whoa kenya's stomach are those implants uh i i don't know what you're talking about but i'm just gonna say yes they're like big those big ripley stomach implants i love those usually guys get them stomach implants you can do that you can get ab implants oh yeah i saw it on the celebrity apprentice whatever that's not here over the pond

it was so good this gossip like the the uh perez the perez hilton of there i mean i don't even know what that would be he's like on paris on paris smith but he was on there and um he had he got really fat but he has fake abs so the fat comes out but then the abs come out too it's so funny oh my god i want fake abs no you don't bend because then when you have fake muscles people still ask you to lift things and then you're like oh shit these are fake like you have to come out of the closet so okay i'm on the real housewives of atlanta website right now and these are the cast is it says cynthia bailey it's candy burris kenya moore kim fields pager parks with this little arrow here let's see what happens if i click the arrow It says Cynthia Bailey, Candy Burris, Kenya Moore, Kim Fields, Phaedra Parks.

I'm going to put this little arrow here. Let's see what happens if I click the arrow. Oh, so Portia Williams is a full-fledged cast member now. She's back. Well, according to the website, she's listed as the cast bio. No, Sharae is not. Sharae is not a cast member. That makes me mad.

She should not be a friend of us. Oh, maybe it's like an audition. Well, what do they need to audition her for that we know about charie just put her in there i i i have low low hopes for kim fields i feel like she's not going to add much except some sort of like novelty factor people tuning in to see her well i saw kim fields in the vagina monologues in austin texas oh and about awkward oh my god watching 2d talk about her vagina for 10 minutes because you know that show i don't have you ever seen the vagina monologues uh no what i saw was something called like the hot girl monologues spoken by hot girls.

And how hard is it to be hot? Oh, shut up, hot girls. Or, oh, I was date raped. Obviously, date rape is nothing to make light of. But it was one of those things where it was – it really was – it was just so insufferable. Everything about it was like, i'm hot especially in la who does that they're gonna have a whole show about them being too hot to live shut up i know i think it's called like the lipstick monologue i have to look it up well and then candy burst didn't

candy burst she was in like the what was it called like the pocketbook monologues or something pocketbook it's like the notebook but for um the real housewives it was like season two or something where like don't mess up my pocketbook yeah it was like yeah so anyway you saw her in vagina monologues uh yeah i mean there's not really a story there i mean the vagina monologues is basically a bunch of monologues about vaginas it was just really and it's pretty funny but it was just awkward watching Tootie do it, you know? Like, I was on a subway with my vagina and it got bumpy

and I blamed Blair unfairly, but, you know, she does have an attitude. I'm like, oh, jeez. Just don't start talking about Blair and Joe's vagina, alright? Get off the stage! I don't want to hear about your vaginas. I go to shit just because it's free. Tonight I'm going to see Duran Duran.

Oh, yeah. I know some people going to that enjoy those four songs you know i hope so i hope it's one of those concerts it's like we're the van the van the van the van thank you well listen you'll hear take a nap you'll hear hungry like the the Wolf, which we like, View to a Kill, Girls on Film, Ordinary World, Come Undone. Maybe you'll hear White Lines. And, you know, I'm sure there's some other ones. There's some other Duran Duran hits out there in the world. It's like a really fun, crazy concert of songs you hear in the elevator. But their opener, don't they have someone cool opening for them? I don't know. i'm not paying attention i'm just going because my friend told me to come and i said okay all right he said

the magic words it's free i was like okay i'll come because i feel like you should take free things you know never close and open never close a door that opens to you otherwise you just look crazy in front of the grocery store bin. That's what I always say. I say that too. I say that too. This coffee is starting to kick in, which makes me feel like as long as we're talking about Duran Duran, can I talk about something that I'm a little bit anxious about? And then we'll get to more Bravo. I swear to God, people.

So like two weeks ago, I have a pretty new polo shirt. And I noticed a little hole in it. And I was like, oh, that's probably from that time. I was like, I think I snagged. I was walking and like something snagged me. That's probably what that hole is from. But I couldn't remember it clearly. But I remember thinking to myself, I think I snagged it.

But it was so small that it looked almost like a moth had bitten a little hole in it. And that like, I once had moths, like, eight years ago. It was, like, the worst. Have you ever had moths before? Uh-uh. So, but I was like, okay, whatever. And I noticed, I examined the fabric, and I noticed that, like, the fabric would fit back together. It wasn't like, if a moth had eaten it, the fabric wouldn't be there.

There'd be nothing to fill in, you know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. the fabric wouldn't be there there'd be nothing to fill in you know i'm saying uh-huh but just before this podcast began i saw a little moth on my desk and i killed it and now i'm like do i have moths what do moths ever do all they want is a little light well the thing well here's the thing apparently wool moths don't like light that's why they like to go to closets darling darling. So I'm hoping that it was just a regular moth. But now I'm really scared, guys.

Oh my god, this feels like a monologue from the Hot Girl monologues. It was the moth monologue. Actually, we're at the moth. You know what? When we eventually get invited to share a story on the moth, this is what my stories will be about. Moths. Literally the moth. And I'll be like, wait, wasn't that the point?

Aren't we supposed to tell stories about moths? I was watching the Mothman prophecies, and I couldn't help but think, what has my life become? They're going to boo you when you kill the moth. They're going to be like, boo! Who kills the moth? I paid a lot to see this show. But I'm, like, really anxious. I would like people to write in. Because if you get moths, you have to clean everything in your closet.

And that's like annoying. Guys, I had moths. I've always thought, I remember my grandparents having mothballs and stuff. And I was like, oh my god, I would rather they just eat your fucking coat because it's so disgusting smelling. Those stupid mothballs are like some weird old, it's like a mix of like like i don't know like you're about to die plus windex plus like bleach plus poop i don't like that smell it's gross i mean the one thing that makes me feel like i don't have mods is again there was fabric in the hole that i could you know that showed like it looked like more of a snag than a chomping and also i do

leave my my closet doors just because i'm, tend to be open during the day. And apparently, because moths don't like light, I feel like, well, no moth's going to go in there. There's too much light. Right? Right, everyone? People, back me up, please. Please. I can't get a podcast.

I have nothing to say except that if you get moths, you need to make more money so you can just buy new clothes. That's why I shop at Old Navy. Everything's like a dollar, and it falls apart in five minutes. The moths don't even have time to get it. They're like, I'm not eating that, so I don't even know what that's made out of. No. Your moths are like the Shahs of Sunset.

They're like, that's from H&M? Oh, my God. The moths are all injecting themselves with Play-Doh. Hey, that moth has a new ass. The moths of Sunset. when moth is threatening to cut another one yeah they like sliders made out of wool i'm pulling i'm gonna pull off your wings batch oh my god i made out with that girl and i got stuff all over my hands god it really it really is fitting for that show that's so mothy like adam he likes he likes to watch freeballing but i just

like to just get down with twink moths that's all can i can i be with just one moth for the rest of my life i don't know moths only live to be like three weeks old so they're always twinks it's guys i want to i want to thank you all for coming on this trip to this new closet. I know this was supposed to be a honeymoon trip for me and Adam, but he couldn't make it so I'm glad that you guys all came to the closet with me.

Vida is like the head moth, because you know she's got moths in her closet. She's like, your coat tastes disgusting. Your coat is looser. I'm Asa. I'm the mothy pop Priestess Oh my god I hope that's the one you smacked on the card table She's gonna

Release wool water She puts a little ball of wool At the bottom of the water She's like Light bulbs can burn me to death so we're all gonna touch one together in protest in front of the las vegas seafood buffet i'm gonna i'm gonna wear a veil to protest hot lamps i believe in moth freedom you know like i think moths should be smushed um if they're in the way but you know i also believe in the

moth's right to be in the way it's like never she never makes a decision on moth's rights i think my favorite scene of moths of sunset was when mike jumped out of the plane and flittered with jessica in the sky and proposed to her a ring made of wool and she's like i'm gonna be a moth wife talking about somebody eating the linings of your pockets for the rest of your life have fun with that one mike oh okay so now we'll move on from the real moth wives of ben's closet into the ever fascinating into the ever fascinating LOLs. What does LOLs mean?

It means Ladies of London. No, but when people say LOLs or L-O-Z on the internet, does that mean laughing out loud to infinity? Laughing out loud. I know, but when there's the Z. Oh, that's just

slanging it up. It's like I'm having many laughing out loud moments and you add the Z to be like, it's so ridiculousanging it up. It's like I'm having many laughing out loud moments, and then you add the Z to be like, it's so ridiculous, I'm a millennial. Oh, I get it. Well, I'm glad we're still using the alphabet out there, kids. Or maybe it means I'm laughing so hard, I'm one-third asleep.

I'm one-third asleep, bitches. Okay, so, hello, ladies. Ladies of London. Okay. So, LOL. Ladies of London. Oh my God, this show. Ten pages of notes. Just a warning. Here we go. Valentina.

Notes. Now. Pauline, get Valentina. Give her my notes. This is so, so good, this show. So good. So we open at the part, and it's so good because it's so stupid. This is like the best non-fight I've ever seen okay so uh we don't need to do the previously previously it was new years everyone got shit faced and then they all put on these animal costumes i almost bought you one the

other day by the way but it was a dog and i know you don't like dogs i would have taken a dog costume i just saw it randomly like a full i mean right before halloween that is just crazy people selling things to wear and costumes i mean the world halloween that is just crazy people selling things to wear and costumes i mean the world is not i was like why is there a costume do you remember when people were trying to push adult onesies as a thing although to be fair my boyfriend actually has an adult onesie but he's a dancer and dancers can wear wear weird things and get away with it but uh in general they were trying this was like after the spirit hoods remember spirit hoods there were those those like caps that were like – this was like after the spirit hoods. Remember spirit hoods? Mm-mm.

What are those? Those like caps that are like animals, but then they have the really long ears that came down to your waist. Oh, yeah. I like those things. So after spirit hoods, people tried to make adult onesies happen. And I will never forget because – this is a very – okay, I'm sorry. Another detour, people. It does not have to do with moths, but I'll try to get to this quickly. hollywood okay i'm sorry another detour people it does not have to do with mobs but i'll try to get to this quickly one time like four years ago i was hanging out with some people i was hanging

with this really hipster girl and she was like oh my god you guys uh you guys want to go to like an art gallery downtown i was like yeah let's do it let's be cool so we were driving downtown on the way downtown this girl's like oh my god i just got a text there's a party at nick cage's house you guys want to go i'm like uh yeah obviously so we went to this gallery downtown and she's like okay we have to go to a club in hollywood to find the guy to let us know let's get into nick cage's thing so then we drove from downtown this gallery downtown to a club on a wednesday night we go to this random club we find the guy and it's like so we're gonna go to this nick cage party like yeah yeah 2 a.m we drive up to the hills to this party at Nick Cage's house.

We get there. And by the way, I'm saying Nick Cage because I hate saying Nick Cage. I say Nicholas Cage. But she was saying Nick Cage. We get there. And yes, it was a party at Nick Cage's house. But Nick Cage did not live there anymore. This is a house he had moved out of three years ago.

It was just truly a party. Oh, for Christ's sake just house and it was all european europeans wearing adult onesies and trying to sell them oh it was a onesie party wait they were trying to sell them uh oh no i'm sorry it was a designer they weren't telling the designer of adult onesies was having this party and so everyone was wearing adult onesies at 2 a.m at nicholas cage's former house oh my god that is so la and it's so funny because nothing here is really ever rebuilt like they don't demolish homes here they just keep remodeling and remodeling and remodeling so you know it looks like there's 20 different coats of paint on all these mansions and stuff it's always struck me as weird this place but every place has history

here like someone's famous lived ever someone famous has lived everywhere what are you gonna do you want to go see you want to go see bett midler this is the whole feast buffet that i saw in one time okay enjoy it well it's funny that they build this party as a party at nick cage's house like they use that as a selling point you know like oh nick cage used to live here so it's a part i mean like well technically it was his house and then i fell for it because i'm you know i'm such a star fucker but that that i mean who wouldn't i mean a party at nicholas cage's house you have to go that sounds disgusting i wouldn't i'd be like no he's gross i don't want to stare at his bad plugs because it's

gonna make me sad i was really excited okay. Okay, so anyway, ladies in London, everyone's in their adult onesies, and they're European. It was just like the time I went to the party at Nick Cage's house. Well, you know, it actually does tie into this show

because that's basically like a really L.A. story about star fucking or being excited and driving all night just to meet somebody you think is important, even though they're stupid.

And so you drive around and you drive around and you drive around. And then when you get there, you're like, you're not stupid. You totally make sense. Your hair totally looks real. Picture of Nick Cage that's above the hot tub. And you're all fake.

And it's kind of like the cast members on this show. It's like, just to go, we went to Nick Cage's house. Yeah, absolutely. You're absolutely right. I know Nick Cage. Like, you know, when you're in a hot tub and you're, like, getting, like, the hot tub, the bubbles are on you? That's exfoliating you.

And so, like, part of Nick Cage was on me in that hot tub. This is how it is. Like, okay, Juliet. Oh, you're doing Juliet? Oh, you're doing Juliet. I was like, okay, we'll do some Vanderpump Rules. No, similar, similar. You know i have

five voices that i'll use that again when it comes time all right all right you're not important enough to hate darling sit down so um so the episode begins uh with everyone like reeling from this allegation that caroline had uh had was straddling and humping Juliet's husband Gregor. It wasn't even an allegation. She was literally on him, vibrating and humping him. This is Juliet's line. I had to write it down because I love Juliet.

And I hope she sometime reads an audiobook because I will definitely listen. Hold on! Did you just straddle my husband on the couch? I don't know why that's so funny to me just the placement of likes were so good yeah that's where my family unbuttons their pants after we eat too much on thanksgiving and my family oh america oh you basically just humped my cherished childhood memories i can't believe you called it a couch. We all know it's called a sofa.

His grandfather died on the couch and now you're humping him on a couch. It's like sexually assaulting a dead grandfather. How dare you? How could you do this? Like, couch. I can't believe you would do that. I mean, we all know that unicorns don't even exist.

So it's like insult to injury, making me excited for a unicorn. Then you shout my husband with my dream. I can't believe you do that. Well, my favorite thing is that Julia, she's confounded by this whole thing. She's like, Caroline thinks she did nothing wrong. I mean, how could she think that she did nothing wrong? I'm like, says the girl who turned away the venison and does like about a million different social faux pas every episode.

It's like, what? I'm American. It's like my memory. It's like my childhood. It's like my childhood. I have to. I just have to be me. I know. She doesn't follow any social, you know, graces or norms or whatever.

And then she's like, I can't believe she did that. That's so tacky. Yeah. Spit up some venison lately in a cafe in a castle. You tacky bitch. I'm sorry. I just don't eat meat. I don't eat Bambi okay like is there any fro-yo in the back well the best though is Sophie

Sophie breakout star her whole thing she was drunk she had this strange reasoning about everything she just walks up and goes it's all about variety Juliet it's all about variety Juliet if your husband if Gregor enjoys being straddled by a unicorn,

then that's something you need to discuss over a glass of wine and dinner and let him do it on the reg, darling. And that's how you stay married. Meanwhile, her hot, younger, I don't know if he's gay, but I mean, I'm assuming husband is like, yes, darling, variety. You mean Caroline's brother? He is hot, yes, stunning variety. I mean, Caroline's brother. He is hot. He is.

He's so cute. So maybe it's because he's rich. Yeah, probably. So anyway. Also, when I see someone being able to put up with someone like Sophie, I'm like, that's my man. Right there. Sophie is hot, though. She is really hot.

And that drunk. I love that she's just a belligerent drunk. So good. She is. drunk. I love that she's just a belligerent drunk. So good. She is. Well, I love that Juliet's like, wow, do I need to hump jam? And Sophie's like, oh, let's try variety. Do it. Jim has been begging for a little unicorn in his cornhole all night, darling. Jim, get over here, darling.

Bend over. Touch your toes. It's called exploration, darling. It's marriage. All right. Darling, darling, I have great news. I just got your subscription to Variety Magazine. You'll learn everything you need to know. Let's try some variety. Don't get a paper cut on your willy, darling. That'll

just cut down on life's variety. We'll need that thing, alright? Oh, you know at this point I could use a smorgasbord because I love variety. So then Juliet keeps on with her but that is so inappropriate i'm just saying like it's like a couch and like my husband like a unicorn like i'm just like saying like and then caroline's like hey you're insufferable and then both

caroline and sophie start flipping her off they're like yeah wasted so good and sophie's like i find julia's behavior less acceptable trying to ruin the evening i was like oh i love when like rich british people just put down americans it's just so wonderful and always deserved also when sophie i don't know why i have this in my notes but when sophie's like darling it's all variety in the marriage. She's holding a banana. No one explains why. I noticed that, too. I was going to say that. I noticed that, too.

Why does she have a banana? Darling, it's all. Listen, sometimes you want a banana. Sometimes you want a pencil. As long as you've got something in your hand. It's all about variety, OK? Jim and I are about to have a variety discussion. That's why I've picked up this banana.

Jim, close it. You go, you two. So then the three kind of old... There's some rando there, who I'm not sure who she is, but she kind of looks like that lady who used to be married to David Foster, who was standing by the beach telling everybody to just appreciate the ocean. That was... I think that was Caroline's friend. Caroline Fleming.

Yeah. So she's like just some rando drunk. So then her, Caroline, and Sophie all give this like big group kiss. It's like too hard on the lips. Yeah. This whole night, I just kept pausing and laughing. I was like, what is happening? And then they wake up the next day, of course.

No, I'm not skipping to that day. I'm just saying in general, these people wake up the next day and they're like, manners. You must have manners. At least when I made out with three old ladies at a party, it was because it was the polite thing to do on New Year's. I know. And I love how, by the way, the sloppier they get, the more indignant they become about Americans. Then at one point, Sophie just goes, you Americans have no idea how to party. Just damning everything the americans do dropping shit everywhere there's cigarettes everywhere trash everywhere check you americans are so tacky it's like dumping a drink

on the ground you know fucking someone with a banana and making out with an old lady in the corner love it so then juliet then kicked everyone out of her suite because she was sick and tired of everyone being bitches so um so then they go upstairs and i love that like caroline fleming decides to take the staircase they're like don't take the fucking stairs caroline take an elevator and she's like no i'm gonna i'm gonna do it this way because i'm danish and i'm musical and I'll take the staircase. I'm one with the people so I will be on the staircase dressed like a cow as the people would.

Darling. I wrote down Stop trying to be poor, darling. I wrote down What does this mean? I says, Sophie's ready to dance, bitch. That's what I wrote down too. I wrote, Sophie, I'm ready to dance, bitch. That's what I wrote down too. I wrote, Sophie, I'm ready to dance, bitch.

She's like, turn on the music. I'm ready to dance, bitch. Turn on the Duran Duran. It's like Swan Lake. I know. She's like grinding up against a banana and someone else's husband. Put on the Andrea Bocelli. I need to dance.

Nothing makes me want to grope around in the dark like a blind man's music, darling. Turn it on! Put on that fat Susan lady from America's Got Talent, I Need to Dance. I dream, don't dream. What was her last name again? I totally forgot.

Boyle. Boyle. Saddest last name ever. It you're you're totally caught with your pants down when you become famous with that name it's like i've tried all these years to become famous and i never thought to change my name mom hello mom hello mom isn't it funny that susan boyle turned out to be like a crazy psychotic diva i just love that so i was like we've discovered you when you're 60 and she's like i'm so grateful now give me my light yeah she throws her clotted cream against the wall started like screaming about some child who was gonna beat her or

something she's like screw that no talent little shit i was like oh darling they have cameras in their phones now darling don't say it oh darling sorry that was a detour that was worth it Oh memories It's okay I got distracted because my phone is ringing It's a business call but I will have to just return the call later I apologize It's a moth It's a moth being like hey are my friends there

I think I left my sweater at the sweater party I've ordered delivery and no one has delivered I guess I'll just have to come there and eat myself oh i really don't want to have mods so then caroline changes this whole thing into typical bully whenever the bully is punched they start crying and that is exactly to me what caroline started doing suddenly she's like a huge victim i can't do anything without people i'm hurting everybody all the time i mean what the hell i'm just a horrible human being i suppose it's like she has shannon bedore attitude in the rest of this episode but with caroline's voice and it doesn't work yeah and then well and caroline fleming was was reassuring her in her

fake voice like the same voice that she used when she talked to Julia when she said, we must hang out. We will. We must. We shall. She was saying to Caroline about trying to make her feel better. She was like, of course you're funny. You're very funny. You're very, very funny.

You're not hurtful. You're funny. You shall be at the Apollo. You shall go on that stage and they will not tick you off. Don't forget to rub the stump. That's what I tell the other people. The other people in my neighborhood who I speak to every day. And you could possibly be on television showing the world that they do, in fact, have talent. Because not only does America have talent, but caroline has talent darling caroline has talent

walking up the stairs in a cow uniform do they give trophies for that yet i love poor people hug a poor person granny used to love to hunt the paws but you know i find that it's much better to just be friends with everybody um so caroline's like yeah you know i thought i was being funny but you know apparently i've sexually assaulted gregor she's like oh yes but that was funny i thought it was a riot i like the way caroline described it caroline's like look tell me I mean this is all that I did And then she's like here you Sophie You sit or Marissa You get on the floor yeah lie down get on your back Like a stupid American would get down there

Alright and now here This is what I did and then Caroline just stands Directly over her and doesn't move Like the Washington Monument That's all that's all I did No Caroline now listen Caroline I don't think you did anything wrong, but you also were not standing

over her, okay? Like the freaking Colossus of Rhodes, all right? Since when is standing over someone and looking down at them disgustingly or disgustedly, since when is that sexual assault, darling? Oh, God. I can never go over

a bike path again, darling. You don't think I'm sexually assaulting her. I can never go over a bike path again, darling. You don't think I'm sexually assaulting. I just look at it with disdain whenever I have to step over it. Goddamn bikers. I'm sorry for the sexual assault bike path. I just can't win today. I can't win. Cannot.

So Caroline, other Caroline is like, oh, no, darling, you're funny. She's like, yes, but first one woman is sobbing, and then another woman is accusing me of sexual assault. And then before you know it, I'm starting to think that I might be doing something wrong. When everybody says you're a bitch, you're probably a bitch. Now be proud of it and keep on. It's no fun if you're a bitch, and then you're going to get paranoid about being called a bitch. By the way, and congratulations to Caroline for being the first Bravo star ever to connect those dots.

Even though she's not going to do anything about it. Bad news, mom. We just got the reports in. Turns out you're the problem, not the gift shop. All right, we'll hire 500 new employees so we can fire 507 tomorrow pauline clear out the desks we got a really cute clip of her but wait it's not yet we need to spend five hours in this party and i'm still i refuse to erase the note the wacky cow takes the stairs because that's the best thing I've ever written down. Either way.

So Caroline was playing the victim here. She's like, I've just been put through 40 minutes of being called a husband, humper. So if he's like, it was a joke, it's a joke, variety jokes of a riot.

I can't be able to say it was a joke. When they cut to Julia and Gregor and Gregor is like, I still have a boner okay okay that's enough that's enough that is so inappropriate it's not how we did it at home yeah that's not what i mean you know i'm gonna talk to caroline i'm gonna clear it out with caroline caroline also did another reality thing i didn't hump him she's going off on this whole thing and she goes i feel like i've been pushed onto the bus. Yeah, that was classic.

And it's not any other bus. It's a two-story double-decker bus like the ones we have in London. That's doubly worse. It's like one of those buses on the way to a poor neighborhood where Juliet's probably renting, darling. I mean, how offensive is that? I've been carried over the poor. My remains have stuck to tires and have been carried into

a poor area, darling. It's like taking the state of New Jersey and putting two wheels on it and getting thrown right under it. Tell me of these buses. What do they do exactly? And when I'm thrown under one, how badly could it possibly hurt? I mean, how much force do poor people have? Honestly.

Well, I mean, let's just hope there aren't a lot of Americans on that bus. Otherwise, we know the weight will be absolutely crushing. I was crushed by a bus with a handicap ramp, darling. Do you know how offensive that is? Pauline, jump in front of the bus. Valentina, don't drag her out of the way.

Watch her. Watch Pauline. Watch the bus go over Pauline. Yes, Valentina,ina enjoy it so then they start having this cutting back and forth thing where Juliet is telling someone the story I'm guessing the husband and then Marissa has joined the others wait let me see here I know Juliet just say sorry insecure versus overly secure Sophie he was enjoying himself I don't know. Are we still in this fight? Because I have all this Sophie stuff. And then someone says, my first reaction is vomit.

You've gone ahead. Have I? Alright, so have I? You see I'm starting to talk like them in a stupid fucking... So what happened was, then Juliet comes up, and they start to fight all over again. And Juliet's like, you know, it's just that, you know, gregor he's just he's like really reserved right it's still that night she's like i'm gonna go over and make sure everything's cool it's like yeah oh and so then

he's like you know gregor's like really reserved etc and and sophie's like well he was not reserved at that point he really enjoyed it he said it was the highlight of the night. Shut up, Sophie. Stop chiming in every two seconds. It was the highlight of the night. Variety. Sophie's like, that's the first husband I've ever heard complain of having a raging hard-on for once in his life. Jeez, Sophie. Hold it back a little bit. It's like, shouldn't you?

Oh, how typical. Here you are on your bathrobe, not pleasing your husband. I hope he's reading a variety right now. Darling, what are you you are on your bathrobe, not pleasing your husband. I hope he's reading a variety right now, darling. Darling, what are you doing here with your bathrobe? I mean, I know variety is the spice of life. It doesn't mean you have to dress frumpy just to change it up a little bit. I hope your husband never loses a hand in an accident, darling. He's up the creek.

Captain Hook, he can tell you a thing or two about variety. So then at one point, they're all just, like, yelling at it. They're just getting madder and madder. Because Julia is so stupid. She comes over so she can make sure she can still be invited to parties. She's like, wait, maybe Caroline's mad. And she comes over and she's like, Caroline, maybe, like, I didn't, like, get it across. But, like, I'm not mad.

Like, I know you're, like, totally joking. And like i'm not mad like i know you're like totally and like maybe it's just because you're joking and we're just hashing it out we're just hashing it out and then someone was like it was like you're winding her up or whatever she's like yeah don't wind me up don't wind me up and then sophie's like well i'm sorry for winding up well i'm not wound up it's just it's unnecessary if you wanted to wind me up but i'm not wound up stop winding me up. She was conflicted between wanting to vent and scream at them, but then also wanting to maintain a relationship with them

and therefore be totally cool. Be like, no, I'm not mad. I'm not wound up. I'm not wound up at all. I'm just saying if you were to wind me up, it's totally not necessary. Because if you were, you'd get me really mad, but I'm not mad. It's cool. We're hashing it out.

Thanksgiving. And Sophie's like, you've wound up like a toy, which is probably what your husband could use right about now. It's called variety. Get him something to plug in. Plug the dam, darling. Oh. Meanwhile, it's like, stop winding me up, Sophie! It's like a, it also suck a dick and caroline's

like oh you know so good and then right before she came in they were telling marissa what happened and or they were talking about it with marissa and marissa the other ass kisser is like oh you totally didn't do anything wrong darling because like i thought and like your thing wasn't touching his thing as the co-owner of bumpkin restaurants i can tell you with authority that you were doing nothing wrong and that now i should be your best friend if everyone if that guy's penis falls off because it's totally frozen, well, no, you did something wrong, darling. But until then, like, whatever. And meanwhile, like, as things are now, like, climaxing,

Julia then starts to say that she was fine with it. She's like, I was fine with it. I said it was a joke. I was joking. I was lighthearted. I was fine with it. No, you were not. You were not fine with it.

Because if you were fine with it, you would have laughed. But instead, you were like, you crossed a line. You crossed a line. I'm going to throw my kangaroo hat at you. Finally it was Marissa who basically was like, okay, everyone shut up and be quiet about this. It's ridiculous. Yeah. I spoke with him after.

He said it was wonderful. I pretended I was a reporter and I called him and I said, how was it? He said it was wonderful. He loved it, darling. Stop burning me up! So the morning after, that's when Caroline wakes up and says, my initial reaction is vomit. My second reaction

is not vomit. Valentina, vomit. Pauline, not vomit. Valentina, fuck it. Pauline, vomit. Valentina, vomit. Bring in a napkin to hold back paulina's hair while she vomits and then both of you come wipe my face i spoke with her and she said it was wait i spoke with him after oh yeah still sophie i can't erase

anything sophie writes i just love it he it. I called him after he loves it. Okay. So Marissa is like cleaning the hallway, which is hilarious. Yeah. And then Juliet wakes up with her husband and she's like, oh no, maybe I made a rich person mad. I better get some energy. So she calls down for room service and she's like, Hey, it's Juliet. I need, like, we're like, I want superfood.

Do you have anything that's, like, superfood? Like, green stuff? Like, make me a superfood smoothie. You know, like, what I grew up on in Chicago, it just would make me feel more like New Year's Day at home. That's all. I just want it to be, like, home. Superfoods. Green smoothies. He's like, alright, miss, I'm sending up some mayonnaise.

It's been shaken with some butter. And put on some milk. All right. That'll be wrapped in a newspaper. Close enough. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the morning, Julie has already done yoga. And now she's like hanging out with Annabelle. Okay, class. Touch your toes. Touch your toes. Okay. I'll touch my toes.

I'll be touching my toes by the time's class over. Don't worry about me. Progress is progress is our own, isn't it? Okay. Good job. You're touching her toes. Oh my God. You're new. How does she do that? So Julie is just having a day after talk the morning with marissa and annabelle and she's like you know i know i have high sensitive personality i've got hsp i just that's just what i have and annabelle's like well how about you just pretend like you don't have any feelings at all mm-hmm and i was like yes i remember getting those little boogers burned off

after night of partying with my gorgeous friend who I mentored through everything. Next thing you know, I wake up with bumps everywhere. No! HSP! Never mind. I don't know what that is. It's an America thing. We don't have that here yet. What is the superfoods you speak of?

Yeah. I don't know what a higher sensitivity is. That's something that maybe Alexander felt. So then Caroline does what any bitchy woman who has pissed off her friends does. She calls her faithful gay man. And she bends everything to him. And she starts talking about how Julie lost it at dinner the night before. And she's like, Julie is literally crying.

I mean, literally sobbing, literally crying. I mean, I've never seen such, literally crying. And then she starts sobbing. You've criticized me, a teacher, in front of the whatever. I mean, disgusting. It's disgusting is what it is. It's so good. And then it cuts to julie being positive with annabelle she's like well you know it was really fun i mean my kids weren't here

so at least i didn't burn anything i mean usually they're the ones calling me a loser so it was just kind of weird you know but caroline apologized and i mean it seemed like she really meant it like she really meant it and then it comes to caroline like i didn't mean it yeah she goes but really she was like you know at least it was at least i got a heartfelt sorry katu actually i'm not sorry i'm really not sorry at all i'm sorry you're disgusting and pathetic i'm sorry i'm a terrible yoga teacher and then marissa comes over and wait no well at that point caroline's like i actually find the whole thing really really pathetic they kept playing these they always play stupid music in the show like girl power songs but today they were really on the nose with everything

they played like there was a song about everything it's like getting in my car now and it's somebody getting in their car or juliet cleaning off her feet and it's like clean up after the party girl power it's like a song about every literal thing that's happening fighting about saying you're sorry i'm not sorry i'm not sorry caroline's like i'm not sorry i'm not um well then when the women all convene for brunch and people are they're all meeting at uh juliet's um suite and i think my favorite line they all were like oh hello darling good morning good morning my favorite was sophie who had such a um i forget the word like uh it was a cut fitness no no she had a very cut fitness thing when she walked in she goes how bad do you feel i was like oh my god that was such a brilliantly nasty way to say good morning you know because they both were saying like are you hung over

you look hung over and don't you feel shitty about everything you did last night it was so amazing i was like oh my god i love this woman how bad do you feel she's like well it's good to see you you know this morning when i woke up there was a comment card inside the unicorn outfit and it said thank you for a wonderful amazing night i loved it gregor all right let's just drop it now you know no reason to keep it going and then the hippie love it and then the hippie caroline comes in she's like hello everybody good morning what a positive beautiful morning i heard someone got humped let's talk about the humping let's talk about the humping oh i do wish we could have a giant thing in the middle of this table that we couldn't see each other around

Oh, that would be just lovely Brunch and lunch And lunch and brunch Where's breakfast? Breakfast made out with lunch And now it's brunch And Sophie, Sophie was miserable She was like, I'd much rather hide

Under my duvet My duvet My duvet my duvet i wrote down i have 10 duvet duvets because i love variety in my duvets let's try variety with the duvet right they both have v's in them personally i like lying around my duvet all day so they and then juliet is trying to pretend nothing happened even though she didn't do i mean she was annoying but she didn't really do anything wrong but she's trying to keep rich friends so everybody's coming trying to pretend nothing well kind of trying to pretend nothing happened and

caroline comes in and juliet's like hi caroline you look as fresh as spring daisies. Caroline's like, what's that supposed to mean? What's a spring daisy? What the hell is a spring daisy? And Juliet's like, you know, like a spring daisy. Like a daisy. In the spring. So is that like a daisy that's made of springs? Like coils?

No. I mean, maybe. Would you like that? I suppose a spring daisy is a terrorist that lops off people's heads, because that's how I feel today. Terrorist. I suppose a spring daisy is someone that rapes husbands, because that's what you told me last night I did.

Is that what a spring daisy does? It just gets all up on your husband, dressed like a unicorn, and humps him? Is that what a spring daisy does? In that case, yes, guilty as charged. The minute, the second after, what is that what a spring daisy does in that case yes guilty as charged the minute at the second after yours what the hell is the spring daisy the minute after the men are like okay let's get him to the next room yeah well you can also see you can also see when juliet is like like you know my spring daisy is you know it's like a spring daisy you could see her inner monologue was like fuck i should not have said that what should i

have said is there a brit word? You look like a fresh scone. Ah, fuck it, Juliet. Why? Why did you not say fresh scone? Oh, really? Dry and crumbly? Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for that. That's great. You look like the bee's knees this morning. Oh, really?

Is that because you say I'm stinging and got wrinkles on me? I was just like on my knees. Do scones rape the husbands of bagels? Is that why you're calling me that? No, no. I mean, you look beautiful, like a beautiful summer morning. Oh, beautiful summer morning. I'm so hot.

I'm too hot. I should be staying away from your husband. Is that what you're saying? Carolina's pissed. Well, apparently I was a bull in a china shop last night. I could do nothing right. And Julie's like, yeah, well, I'm sorry that I was acting like that

and I didn't mean to get so upset, but, you know, I had a lot of toxins in my body because I tasted the mac and cheese that I made for the kids the other night and it was not the brown rice kind. But I am very thankful that you apologized for me and kellen's like oh well actually i've unapologized to you i took it back i've retracted my apology she's like what to yourself yes i decided i walked in the hallway no i don't apologize i retracted it i retracted i retracted it my my whole way Julie's like you can't do that

Yes I can No you can't you can't just retract things in hallways Yes I can I did it And Annabelle's like this is a really ungracious moment Alexander used to always say Never be ungracious with your apologies And I agreed Rebel Alexander

Annabelle is ready To go after Caroline Which is so funny because whenever theyander annabelle is ready to go after caroline which is so funny because whenever they show annabelle talking to the americans which she's like the americans friend now and every time it's like these american women going crazy and being emotional and her just sitting back and looking at them like academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic

success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for Black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. I mean, I've never rooted for anybody to be thrown off anything before, but I can't take it to shut them all up. And then she's like, well, yes, Caroline is a horrible human being. Let's do something about this. Tricky, tricky Annabelle. Well, basically, Annabelle and Caroline are like the witches from Wizard of Oz, right? There's like the good witch and the bad witch, although we still don't know which one is which.

But like all the Americans are either flocking to one or the other they're either the monkeys or the munchkins meanwhile they go back and forth meanwhile the poor little lost american girl is the one being crushed by the weight of a house poor jill just like that witch but the house eventually crushed me to death. Now I'm dead, so... Sorry. Death apologized, but then it took it back. Variety. Variety. We like our witches to have variety. We like to have good witches and bad witches.

Let's try variety for once, shall we? I'll tell you this. Both witches would have had their husbands thumped on the ears. It's just how we do things. Get over it, America. I retracted. So good. And then Julie. What?

Am I not worthy of an apology? Am I just that kind of person? Like, nobody feels like they have to say they're sorry to me? Oh, Julie. Yes. Yes, you are. But it's adorable. Please never change.

And then Annabelle is, like, finger brushing Julie's hair and patting her oddly. And she's like, well, I don't approve of that. Sorry, you have to mean it, darling. She's like, yeah, yeah. It was just weird. Like an awkward, like sad little child mixed between a head pat, a head pull and like a fingers. Oh, I don't know. She's like, darling, I'm just trying to comb the dates and cashews out of your hair from all your

jug balls. Darling, my fingers are still burning from having them crumble through your bad dye. Let's do something about this, darling. Darling, do you have burnt cocoa powder in here? I didn't even dye my hair. I was just trying to make chocolate milk and I fell under the stove and then, oh, God.

This has grown like this ever since. We call that mapperton lice. I'm going to get a better diet, but this house is killing me. So then this all pretty much ends. And then a few days later, we see both Carolines taking a walk. And just, you know, just general patter. And then Caroline Stansbury.

Is it Stansbury or Stanbury? Because they said Stanbury a few times. Either way, it doesn't matter. I don't know. There's bitch Caroline and other Caroline. Yeah. So she opens up her phone and she gets news. She goes, oh, my, oh, my good God. Oh, my good God.

And the issue is that there's a picture of Marissa in the Sunday Times holding a hot dog up to her face. Caroline's like, you wouldn't catch me dead in the papers with a wiener in my mouth. She was so horrified by this photo. And actually a lot of them were. Why am I the one accused of sexual assault? Marissa's sitting there sexually assaulting a sausage in the newspaper. Is anybody going to say anything about that? Or am I the only Hitler here?

I mean, you might as well take some soil drawers and stuff them in your mouth and go on to the Daily Mail. I mean, what is this? Even dressed as a unicorn, I wouldn't do that. On a couch, much less a newspaper. And she's saying, oh, well, I've been in the Sunday Times a few times because, you know, marriage and the things that I do and, you know, money. So I understand what it's like being on the Sunday Times. But eventually they turn and it's not always fun.

I've been on that crest many times. Pauline, get on the crest. Valentina, get her a ladder. Put her on the crest. Pauline, one step. Valentina, hold tight. Pauline, take another step. Get on the crest. Pauline. Okay, now that you're on the crest, I'm going to push you off. Valentina, catch Pauline. Pauline, go. Pauline, fawn over my picture in the Sunday Times. Valentina, watch out. Please clean up Pauline's urine on my picture on the paper. Listen, every time I put down a paper does not mean you just get to pee. All right, Frederico? Now, email that to Paulina, who will have to email it to Valentina to read to her.

All right. Now, take her outside. Put poo outside. Bad news, man. They cut Pauline's photo out of the Sunday pages. That's good. That's good news. No.

They put her on the front page instead, ma'am. Oh, this is just... Pauline, get off the front page, slowly. Bad news, ma'am. We were going to make fun of the picture in the Times, but they've stopped delivering to the non-payment fund. Oh, that's just it, then. Bad news, Mum.

We have nothing to put our fish and chips in. Bad news, Mum. Valentina's eaten her keyboard. Bad news, Mum. Valentina's a goat now. We got her from Credit Interference Rupture. There's going to be a picture of her in and rupture. There's gonna be a

picture of her in the Sunday Times. She's apparently the rage of all of London now, mum. She's on the crest. Valentina. I'll probably be in

the next Sunday Times, you know. I'll be the crossword puzzle clue. Cold and feeling bitch that got thrown under public transport because she sexually

assaulted someone's husband. Longest clue ever. Thanks a lot for embarrassing me in the times. Close the times. Bad news, man. Bus drivers are on strike. You can't get run over by them.

That clue won't make any sense to people. Bad news, mum. Bad news, mum. They've discontinued. Bad news, mum. The puzzle's angry at you. What have I done to the puzzle now? Have I done something to everyone? I don't news, Mum, the puzzle's angry at you. What have I done to the puzzle now? Have I done something to everyone? I don't know, Mum, but it says it's cross.

Oh, that's just it. Now I've raped a puzzle. Alright, just, you know, close the whole company down. I'm spending more time with my family, darling. Bad news, Mum. They've discontinued your crossword clue. Placed it with Sudoku. Oh, goodness gracious. Has everything just gone down the loo now? No more crossword puzzles, it with Sudoku. Oh, goodness gracious. Has everything just gone down the loo now?

No more crossword puzzles, just only Sudoku. I mean, look, we can't have these Asian games taking up our papers. I mean, what is this, the Marissa paper? How could they come? How could they replace me with a number game? Don't they know what I'm going through with numbers? How could they do this to me? I'm Hitler! That's it. I'm Hitler the rapist.

Alright, tell your friends. Put it in an email. Pauline, give me a number. Valentina, double check it. I'm Hitler the rapist. All right, tell your friends. Put it in an email. Pauline, give me a number. Valentina, double check it with the other grid. Paulina, you gave me a one, and Valentina, you gave me a one. You both gave me ones on the same row. I mean, this is the reason why the gift shop is going under. You both can't even do Sudoku, okay? You have to give two different numbers, you stupid idiots.

Pauline, go to the stockroom. Find a different number. When they they showed the clip of what's the girl who talks like that what's her name yeah yeah okay they showed caroline caroline caroline's like my whole business everyone thinks i'm so fabulous and rich but the truth is if this business doesn't start making money in two weeks we're going under and then they cut to a flashback of Raina just like with her mouse face about to sob. I started crying so hard looking at that. It was so funny. She doesn't even say anything. It's just like a 10 second shot of her face looking like she's about to sob.

Oh my God. Carlin's like, is it bad? Raina's like, it bad when you're like yes mom it's bad well this business okay so it's buying things for rich people right so it's like a gift service for rich people it's basically caroline sandberg's version of himmiker slumber but how do you make a ton of money doing that don't you just get paid based like don't you get kind of a commission based on whatever you bought? I don't know. Why do they have 500 employees, each with a cubicle?

Like, how big is this company? And then you hear talking about, well, you know, we borrowed 19 gazillion pounds from the Shahs. And if we don't return it by this week, they'll behead me and put me in the streets. And that would be humiliating. I will not have that happen. Valentina, sell 10 snow globes this afternoon or you're fired. Pauline, shake the snow globes. Valentina,

put them on the windowsill. Hide the snow globes before they're taken by the bank. Hide them. Who invests in a business that's never going to make it? Then she's like, we need to get more money. What we need to do is convince people that rich people need someone to buy them gifts.

All right, do whatever you need. Get a plane in the sky. Eat a hot dog on the goddamn newspaper. I don't care. Make sure you're doing it sideways so everybody's asking, why doesn't the American know how to eat a hot dog? Has nobody asked themselves that question?

But I suppose I'm the rapist. Why aren't you eating a hot dog? It piece of pizza doing it all wrong um it's not a corn on the cob um so uh so anyway but speaking of the hot dog so caroline is shocked by the photo julie's like oh my god that's crazy her photo's in there but of course it's what she does she does pr and i can just hope that someday i get that sort of press for job and i know that when i want to get that press what am i gonna do i'm gonna call marissa oh my god job of the times yeah that's what you need we need another american in the sunday times like juggling balls in her mouth like yeah isn't it bad enough the first one has a wiener you're gonna teabag your terrible nature balls come on people like think and this is the legacy of caprice this is the legacy of caprice this

is the legacy of caprice totally if the americans aren't all stupid then what's the point and you know what i think i just asked that question is bravo and i've answered it with ladies of london darling yes so then marissa goes and opens up the well she and her husband open up get the newspaper and they see it and marissa has like this faux modesty. She's like, Oh my God, that's so embarrassing. By the way, why is this an embarrassing photo? I think it's a totally fine photo. It's just her with a hot dog.

It's not, it's actually not even in a phallic way. It's just holding a hot dog. Oh, but the cuts to everybody in town, like, Oh, Marissa in the times with a phallic symbol in her mouth.

Sideways. I know. It's like a long lost, like cut cut scene from Amadeus or something. Like, oh my God, I can't believe this happened in front of the emperor. She's supposed to be licking it like it's disgusting. No one does it sideways like that. We don't even do that in prom here, Americans. All right, get it together.

Yeah. So after that happened, then Caroline is again with her gay, and she's venting about all the issues with the gift library. And she's like, you know, I'm working all these hours, and I have three children. It's like, oh, poor Caroline. You know she's probably very stressed. She's probably like, you know, if I don't have any time, you know,

I want to spend more time telling people how to raise my children. Exactly. She's like, everyone can't do everything for me me maybe it's some time to watch my children grow up save the business please save the business but she's acting like a politician when politicians get caught fucking a guy in the bathroom or you know like generally cheating or you know giving away state secrets stuff like that they're're always like, I'm not fired. I'm just quitting to spend more time with my family. And she's already doing that lame line as if she's being forced out of office.

Like, you don't hold office okay. You buy a gift company serving rich people. Like, let's just get it straight over here. And then meanwhile, it cuts to Marissa, and she's like, oh, God, that is crazy. Oh, this is amazing. Oh, this is amazing. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. But you know what? At least I've, like, stood out of the shadow of, like, my husband.

Who's, like, always the one. Like, he's the star. And now it's all about Marissa Herma. Oh, God. No, it's not. It's like Top Chef. The lady who imported hot dogs it's like the lady who got uh the certificate to import oscar mayer into london and charge 15 for a shitty hot dog yeah

you know she's the next guest on top chef i think this has much too much cilantro it's too much too much This needs more relish. So, yeah. So then Caroline is afraid that she's going to have to liquidate the business. Valentina, liquidate. Pauline, liquidate too. Everyone liquidate. Liquidate your desk. I don't even know what that means. It's the coffee. You know what? It's the coffee.

So, then... Alright, Paulineine liquidate Valentina I'm sick of looking at it darling if I have to buy another office chair we're going to go under we can't do that again you can't just have people standing about can you darling liquidate liquidate her

Valentina throw out Pauline's stapler Pauline staple something aha poor terrified Valentina shaking in a corner Pauline go to the. Aha. Poor, terrified Valentina, shaking in a corner. Pauline, go to the stockroom. Get another stapler. Valentina, throw out something else on Pauline's desk.

Bad news, Mom. Valentina choked on one of her own bones after I liquefied her, Mom. Well, at least we don't have to pay for lunch today. Clear her. Clear her. Swiffer. Swiffer. Mom, what should I do with Pauline's Susan Boyle CDs? to pay for lunch today. Clear her. Clear her. Swiffer. Mum,

what should I do with Pauline's Susan Boyle CDs? Liquidate all of them. All right, mum. Bad news, mum. They broke the trash compactor.

Oh, good God. Valentina. Valentina. Stomp on Pauline's Susan Boyle CDs. Faster. Faster. Slower. Slow. Across Susan Boyle CDs. Faster, faster, slower, slow. Across Susan Boyle's forehead, stomp.

I dreamt a dream and talk. Oh, that's brilliant. Bad news, Mom. Valentina has plantar fasciitis. She can't stomp any longer, Mom. All right, then you do it. All right, Mom. My honor, Mom.

Mom, bad news, Mom. We were liquefying Valentina, mum. My honour, mum. Mum. Bad news, mum. We were liquefying Valentin in Fandane and she's got HPV. Oh, it's alright, darling. It's just a sensitivity thing. It's an American thing. Alright, shoot her in the head. Shoot her! Shoot her! Pauline? Pauline, come out of the stockroom. Alright,

Pauline, now that you're here, go play one of your Susan Boyle CDs. Go. That's right, there are none, Pauline. now that you're here, go play one of your Susan Boyle CDs. Go. That's right. There are none, Pauline. None at all. I've stepped out from Matt Herber's shadow. So the big dick place is not even mine. Oh, and the husband's like, this is amazing because it's the first time that someone's gotten this kind of publicity without a without a location open like oh geez you haven't even opened the hot dog stand she's like i know it still

smells like piss but like eventually we're gonna like clean it and then we're gonna sell hot dogs i'm so proud of you honey i really wanted to buy this this space that way i could say piss off for many different reasons stupid Stupid. I know. I know it was stupid. You didn't have to give a sympathy laugh. It was stupid. No, I wasn't. I was giving you a like, oh, God, thank God this run is over.

Poor Valentina. Like, we've abused that poor woman. So far, she's been chopped up in a garbage disposal, drank herself. I mean, it's just today. What else? She's been stapled in the face. Valentina can't win. They've given her five different office chairs.

Pauline is younger, you know? Pauline just had all her Susan Boyle CDs destroyed by Valentina. While she was in the stock room finding a stapler. You know, Susan Boyle needs to have a comeback. I mean, if Britney can do it. I dream to dream. Britney's comeback would be like, if Britney can do it, I dreamed a dream. Britney's comeback would be like, I dreamed a dream.

I don't know. I hope that she's the new voice judge next year. How they always get new pop stars. They're like, it's Susan Boyle. She's like, that sounded like crap. Don't choke on it, you little teenager. She'll probably get motion sickness from turning around in the chair so quickly.

Just throw up. So so let's see the next note that i have is juliet wants apologies and then they have a norm they have such enormous oh okay so they juliet and gregora go to play tennis oh yeah this is when juliet's like i deserve it like you couldn't even like call me and be like i'm sorry because like who does like how does that work like what like i need her to take responsibility because like it's important if you don't take responsibility your electricity gets turned off like that's just how it works like i didn't make up the world and then the song comes on i'm not saying i'm sorry i'm not sorry retracted well they also like I just love that she, Juliet, spends so much time acting heinously. And then she's the one who demands apologies from everyone. You know, it's like, you know, just move on. You're in London.

So the way you deal with it is you just shut up and you tuck it away into a small place with a variety of other grudges and just ignores. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you can either be mad or you can have hors d'oeuvres at a castle cafe like take your choice you can't have it both ways you can't feel things and be invited places all right yeah so then we had a scene of caroline with her kids which was sort of akin to the sound of music when that new lady comes in and she's awful with the children and you're like waiting for maria von trapp to take over again so uh caroline is caroline's with the children

poor maria's in the corner like sewing herself up like curtain dress yeah we shall do this again we shall we shall caroline is just like cold and unfeeling with her kids. She's like, child number one, napkin. Child number two, eat. Chew. Chew. Chew. Slowly. Slower.

We're going to chew slowly, aren't we? Child one, sit down. At least they're being raised right. One of the kids is like, Mommy, I don't want you to eat. I'm like, well, fat shaming your own mother. Now that's how to raise a child. Caroline's like, that is the sweetest thing you've ever you to eat. I'm like, well, that, now that, fat shaming your own mother, now that's how to raise a child. Caroline's like, that is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

She's like, if I don't eat, I'm going to kill over and die. Would you like that? He's like, yes. What are you going to do when you wake up and I'm not there in the morning? He's like, ah. Isn't that every morning, mommy? Yeah. What's the difference, mommy?

Just shut up. Stop talking. I would be more scared if you were there, mommy. I would mean that daddy died. Mommy's going to show you how Valentina Staples' lips shut. If you're not good, I'm going to send a scary witch from my office to you. Bad news, mom. The children don't want me to see me anymore.

And then she goes, I love being with my kids. And then it cuts to her in her gigantic shoe closet, staring at shoes. She's like, they're so silent. At little times, they're sharp and pointy, but when there's a crack, I just have Paulina throw down a rug

and we're fine again. Oh, motherhood. This is so good. Yeah, well, the best thing is that Caroline's like, you know, sometimes I just need some time away from the kids. I'm like... I know, that 20 minutes you spent at the dinner table was just too taxing. Do you know how difficult it is to eat a jelly dot with two odd-looking twin things staring back at you, trying to force macaroni down your throat? I mean, they don't even speak proper English. I mean, how am I supposed to have a conversation with these two idiots?

Call me when you learn how to use a phone, darling, and I'll have Valentina message you back. Call me when you learn how to wipe your face instead of act like stupid Juliet at a New Year's party with tomato sauce all over the mess. Would you like Mother to read you a goodbye, goodnight story? All right, here it goes. Once I had freedom and then came you. Goodnight.

Yeah. Would you like a goodnight story? All right, here it goes. Goodnight. Would you like me to read Goodnight Moon to you? All right, here it goes. Goodnight, you insufferable piece of intergalactic trash that orbits this earth.

Goodnight. Goodnight bedroom. This is awful. There's no narrative arc to this entire story. Just go to sleep already. Shall I read you a goodnight story, darling? No. Alright, clear this one. Clear him. Just inject him with something. Put him to bed, darling. Is Embian bad

for children, darling? Well, you're still alive. Alright, waddle away now. Waddle away. Oh, God, did it poop its pants, darling? That's the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. Clear. Forward. Forward. So,

next page. So then Caroline goes out with Jim. Oh, wait. so, next page, so, then Caroline goes out with Jim, and, oh, wait, I'm so sorry, Ben, because you're right, it is time to move on, but, oh, wait, I retracted that apology, wait, hold on, let me go to the hallway, I retract, I can't believe you retracted

your apology, just to note, so, they're playing tennis, and, hold on, where was I, they're playing tennis, and the husband's like, oh, you know, I mean, just sounds like, you know, she's just being herself. Like, whatever. I mean, I came. And then Juliet's like, that is horrible. Like, I mean, did you hear, like, when we were on the phone how she said she's going to wipe the floor with us? Like, did you hear that?

And he's like, oh. It's just her humor. It's just her humor. He's like, well, you do sort of look like a it's just her humor it's just yeah he's like well you do sort of look like a mop so i think it's pretty appropriate it's like you spend enough time at home just please be nice to people well you know i mean juliet i mean let's be honest you do have body of a swiffer i woke up with dust on my forehead like that, that's not cool. I just want him to take responsibility because, like, I love him and it's good, like, him being married and stuff. But, like, every time we kiss, like, I end up with dust bunnies on my face.

So that's all I'm saying. You know, it's like love is work. So. Yeah. Like, I wish you would just appreciate me for the wet jet that I am. Oh, my God. Caroline tried to wet jet my husband right in front of everybody in a hotel you know just because caroline's a witch doesn't mean that i have to be her broom okay

no i want that actually can i please can i be a broom please you can wipe the floor with me it's okay so then we get to the part where you were trying to segway to which is caroline on date night with her husband she's's like, I love my husband, and it's very difficult because he has to fly to Kazakhstan 11 hours every two weeks. It's a long time to be on a plane.

It's a long time to be asking assistant number one to ask assistant number two to email Paulina to write a physical letter to Valentina, asking her why i haven't heard from him and her husband is so cute and nice and he just loves that she's such a bitch because of course she brings up her whole victim thing again she's like well apparently i'm a rapist and everyone has been talking about how i've been raping men. And he's like, listen, he's like, as the Turkish guy, I'd usually be the first one to tell you off for like humping a man in public, you know, or like stone you or something.

But I mean, come on, that was nothing. He's like, oh, darling. It's so funny. I wrote down the same note. I said, even Jem thinks his wife is hilarious because she's like, well, I guess I said, maybe I said something about running her over with my car and wiping the floor with her. I mean, I don with her. I mean, I don't know. I mean,

you know, things were said and then he just starts to crack up. He's just like laughing the way we all are laughing. So good. I was like, you're going to run her over. Not with public transport. I hope she's like,

no, no, darling. I don't even know how that works. Just with the car. Just going to get one of those black cars. I'll have the gay do it in the Land Rover, darling. It's easier to clean up white at the end of the day. Assistant going to get one of those black cars. I'll have the gay do it in the Land Rover, darling.

It's easier to clean up white at the end of the day. Assistant number two told me, darling. We'll clean it with the baby's face. I'm sick of looking at it. He's like, you're hilarious. Then we cut to Caroline Fleming putting shoes in a soft bag. I was like, oh, this is a great arc for her. Caroline of the people.

She's like, nanny, could you please put all of my, I think we'll use the soft bag. And the nanny's like, the one that's shaped like this, mom. She's like, yes. Oh, I'll go look for it. Like, oh, wow. I will search for the soft bag. Maybe I left it on one of the shelves that's on top of the dining room table. That's a real pioneer woman.

Meanwhile, there's still like Cheetos on the floor in the other room. She's like, don't clean it, darling. I don't want you to feel like you have to do it just because you're bald. Here, take a rest. Lie down on my bench with a giant hump in the middle. Oh, no, you can't lie down on that. Well, you know, just take a seat and I'll do the rest. Let me be your pillow.

Are you having trouble with that bed, darling? No, I'm just trying to figure out how to get the blanket on it's alright I'll do it let me check you in there you are we must do this more and we shall but actually she did have more of a story it was like this random thing that they wedged in

three quarters through the episode but it was actually very sweet and touching she went to Denmark and where she spat at all sorts of like stupid bullshit like when i go to denmark i land that's when i land in denmark i have landed i've landed i have such a feeling when i land it's almost like one moment i'm up in the air and then I'm back down on the ground again. But my feet are planted differently because my toes really get cold walking barefoot on the tarmac in Denmark. Oh, God. And that's when I've realized nothing is different.

I've just merely landed in this land. Sometimes it feels like you're cold and you're dying and then your toes feel the warm carpet of the indoors of the Denmark National Airport and they start warming up and you think, this is just like life.

Would anyone like a fruit roll-up? I've had these FedExed. Whenever I get to Denmark, the very first thing I do is I go to a supermarket and go to the butter aisle, and I buy myself some land of lakes. Of course, I call it me of lakes, because I'm in Denmark, and I've landed. Do you have any butter called grounded to the earth? That'd be lovely. You don't?

All right, well, hopefully an American will invent that one day. I will have it shipped here for the entire castle. If you have a barrel out back, I'll just churn some myself, and then we can sell it at the store for everyone. Meanwhile, poor granny's sitting at home playing the piano brilliantly. I love this. I love, love, love. Of course, Caroline comes from the most adorably quaint cottage i mean this puts

yolanda's childhood to shame this was like this beautiful quaint cottage in the tudor style and this this little patch of land and the caroline goes in and her and granny is there playing classical music at the piano and it's just like she was playing old saloon music or something. She was playing those guys in the saloon who immediately stop playing when the bad guy comes in. Granny, you're back from the old west.

I was just entertaining this young man with a camera. You can leave now, darling. He's like, I'm here to shoot the show. Alright then, just draw me. It can leave now, darling. He's like, I'm here to shoot the show. Alright, then. Just draw me. It's quicker in the end. Hello, darling. I love her

granny. You know what I loved about her? She had this most perfect old lady sweater on and had these little mice on them. They were actually big. These giant pictures of mice. It was like, oh, that's exactly the sort of sweater a granny should wear it was like she's just like the most perfect granny granny yeah she was and she probably smelled

like that mothball stuff damn yeah and they had a nice moment because caroline uh how dare you mention the mothball i had just got i had just got my mind you know i'm sitting here as we're podcasting i'm like i'm scanning the room and i keep on looking back into my closet if i'm as if i'm going to catch a moth in the act which i won't because i know it's like the larva but i'm like is there another moth oh grammy's like well i've loved mice ever since we got those first mice in the cottage that killed the moths so um but you know caroline fleming we learned that she lost her mom when she was 11 and her grandmother basically raised her. And, you know, we learned that, that I guess granny was not aristocratic. Obviously, I was wondering why granny was in such a humble cottage. But I guess, I guess Caroline's father was aristocratic. Wait, what is Caroline Fleming's title? Is she a Danish princess? I don't know. She's like an ex-judge on Not America's Next Top Model.

All right. I'm going to look it up right now. Caroline Fleming. I was laughing at this whole thing because it was really cute. But I liked that her grandma's name is Britta. I don't know why. Just because it's a water filter too. And then I like that when they were talking about her mom,

that was like a touching thing. But I like when she said, I think of mommy every night. Look at this picture. You know, my child Josephine has mommy's eyes. The other kids don't, but this girl does. She has mommy's eyes. And the granny's like, yeah, French eyes. I was like, what does that mean? It's like, you know, the daughter Josephine's like, you're i was like what does that mean it's like them you know the daughter josephine's like you're gonna eat all of that you pig like a little

caroline with judgy french eyes okay i looked it up caroline according to bravo she was born a baroness does baroness make you royalty i guess it doesn't so you're like lower royalty she's born a baroness into one of Denmark's oldest families. She is mother of three children. Caroline is a prominent businesswoman in her own right with a line of hosiery called Beautiful Legs. They've got like those little footsie rubber bottoms on the bottom of them. So you can just walk on the ground. She has published two best-selling cookbooks and a lifestyle book.

Oh, this is interesting. She was married to Rory Fleming of the Fleming Banking Family and a nephew of Bond creator Ian Fleming. Oh, Mr. Bond, you just must come over for Christmas dinner. Here, you can sit on this side of the bookshelf and I'll sit on this side. Enjoy those Cheetos. I've slaved away all day.

I'm still hot from the oven opening my paws. Enjoy, Anki. Would you like to take your leftovers in a soft bag? We have some. I'll find it. I'll find the soft bag. Still can't find it, Mom. It's all right.

I'll look for it, darling. Let me just call the nanny right now and tell her to stop doing whatever she's doing and just not do things because I can do them. All right, nanny, make a list of things for me to do, and I'll do them when I get back. All right, can I FaceTime to see that your face is sincere? Can I? Cut to Caroline. Valentina, did you steal Caroline's soft bag? All right.

Pauline, sell it for $5,000. That is mom. No one wants Caroline's soft bag. She'll give it to her for Christmas. Well, my job is getting things for rich people and I knew you'd love this bag.

That'll be $90,000. But it's soft. I don't care. Okay, here it is. It's just you. You're so funny. Oh, you know, it's just I love

helping out other people's businesses. I'll buy this soft bag. It reminds me of a soft bag that I once had. I don't know what ever happened to that old thing. It's beautiful. So we move on to Annabelle having lunch with Julie. Speaking of grannies.

Here we go with the Americans being ridiculous and crying over every little thing while the British person tries to not barf all over them. Because she always looks like she's gonna throw up Annabelle's like yes Julie do tell me about your feelings yeah Julie's like well I mean I mean she apologized and then she didn't apologize I mean who does that I mean if you're gonna apologize you're supposed to apologize I mean I was very offended oh god our house is so cold. I love this heater. God. Is it okay if I don't tip the waiter so I can get our heat turned back on?

Is that terrible? Oh, my God. No one told me I was marrying a black card and a heater that didn't work. Oh! She's like, I am so hungry. I'm going to have a side of kale and a side salad for lunch, please. Thanks. She's like, I've got to lose some weight so i can touch my toes that was

so embarrassing oh god let's talk about new year's again so then julia starts talking about how upset she was blah blah blah and then annabelle's like darling i just don't understand why you're so nervous and you can't just tell her to shut the fuck up something like that and julie's like i can't i'm terrified of her if you're scared of caroline do not cry in front of her yeah exactly listen lady you're you truly are a lady and you you own mapperton okay you're going to be you're going to be the the uh the whatever what's the what's the lady version of an earl? I forget. A lady, isn't it?

It's just a lady. Whatever it is, she's sandwiched, okay? She's sandwiched. That's a big one. Yeah, she's the lady of sandwich. Lady of sandwich. Like, stop being afraid, all right?

Throw that shit around. Throw that sandwich around. So then, so Juliet arrives,'re then the conversation gets kind of convoluted because they're talking about caroline and so then julie as evidence of caroline's uh behavior says well you know caroline just told just told juliet that she's going to wipe the floor with her then juliet gets she's mortified that julie said this in front of annabelle she even says she's like i can't believe she'd say that in front of Annabelle. With the implication being, this is the sort of story that we share amongst each other as lowly Americans.

But you don't tell it to people we are aspiring to be because then they're going to share amongst themselves and we're going to lose all our station in life. Yes, exactly. And she's right. And Julie isn't the biggest shitster in the world so this was the first time that julie is like really well but you should be mad because juliet's doing this thing now that she's in front of annabelle where she's like no i'm not mad i mean she was just kidding i was never even offended in the first place talking about like we're not even friends julie so yeah i mean i don't even like i don't have anything

like wrong with her like i mean my husband was laying on the couch and then she like just came into the room i mean it's like not like anything happened like you're making it sound like something happened julie's like she was like listen i'm not like i'm not like stirring the pot i mean like i literally do not stir pots why do you think my hot chocolate always burns i don't stir it i'm just letting everything boil up and then stick to the side of the pot. That's all it is. Yeah, but she's like, well, but yeah, but then remember

when we were talking on the phone? I mean, I don't know why you're so happy now, but the other day when we were on the phone, remember when you were telling me that Caroline's gonna ruin your life and ruin your family, and then she's gonna chop off your head, and then she's gonna cut off your husband's penis and shove it down his throat? Julia's like, no, what? No, I don't even have a phone.

That's crazy. I would never say those things. Crazy. No, no. Oh, I was talking about how I was going to wipe the floor because I dropped some Cheetos on it because it was Thanksgiving. It reminded me so much of like a childhood tradition. That's all I wasn't knowing. Caroline's the best.

I love Caroline. Yeah. I just called her a rapist because in london like raping something can mean working in the garden it just means like you picked an apple so it's like cultural julie okay julie's like yeah but remember when she threatened to cut off your feet and remember when she started choking you over the phone you said you felt that spiritually no no no no no no well juliet did well since juliet was cornered juliet did the thing that she does best she goes god like i'm the wrong one here all of a sudden i

feel like i'm always the wrong one it's like okay that's my so she deflects by being the victim and then she gets all pissed off in her diary room and she's like if i wanted to tell something to annabelle i would tell her myself. That's for sure. That's her favorite saying today. That's for sure. And then it cuts back to her again later. And she's like, well, I'm not afraid of Caroline Stansbury. That's for sure.

Yeah. Meanwhile, Julia's the same one who told Marissa the reason why she can't go to Thanksgiving is, well, Caroline was feeling like, you know, she wanted to have her own thing. So I decided I was going to do Caroline. So she's someone who completely threw Caroline under the double-decker bus earlier this season. She's like, what? My favorite, though, is I love Annabelle's reaction. She's sort of like laughing.

And she goes, I feel like the little kid inside where you nicked a lolly and got caught. Rebel! Rebel! First time I went to the psychiatric hospital, I nicked a lolly and got caught rebel rebel first time i went to first time i went to the psychiatric hospital i nicked a lollipop and got caught that's i've been rock and roll ever since julia's like well let me explain what this means so she says one thing and then she does another thing and i'm sorry she's like it's hypocrisy or something and like that's not nice and annabelle's like sounds a's hypocrisy or something. And like, that's not nice. And Annabelle's like,

sounds a bit like North Korea politics. She's like, yes! It is like North Korea. It is! It is not like North Korea. Yeah, that actually made no sense. Would you like a lolly, Julie? Would that make you feel better? Yes, I actually would, but too bad. Someone nicked my lolly.

They haven't gone caught. Oh god, so where are we here? Julie, why isn't she telling me the truth? Alexander loved it. Alexander loved it when I would nick lollies. He would say, nick that lolly and do it three times over until you get caught. And I would because I'm a rebel. I'm a rock and roll lolly stealer. I nick all

those lollies. And meanwhile Julie's like, I don't know why she just won't tell the truth it's like she's scared bring her a doll okay touch this doll show me what caroline did to you show me what caroline did to you like nothing she's totally great it was she was great she's like maybe i'm just like imagining things i guess that's what happens when all you eat for lunch is a side of kale and a side salad. She didn't do anything wrong to me. Alright, give me that doll so I can clean up this spilled

tea. Give it to me. I'm going to wipe the floor with this doll. Is that a hint? What did she do to you? This whole Julie thing. Julie is so funny and neurotic to me. I just posted a video of this woman who took a solo kayaking trip to alaska

and she's like takes a break she gets out of the water whatever and this little baby bear starts eating her boat or her kayak she's like bear why are you doing that bear please stop bear stop, bear! Please stop! No, bear! No, bear! No, bear! Oh my god, it goes on for two minutes and it's this woman screaming at the bear and calling him bear over and over and begging him like it's a human being.

I'm going to pepper spray you in the face! That's what I'm gonna do to you! Bear! This is Julie when she finally gets mad. I'm here! Come on! Stop it, Bear! Stop it!

Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear! You're breaking it! You're breaking my kayak! Why are you doing that?. You're breaking my kayak. Why are you doing that?

Why are you breaking my kayak? Why are you breaking my kayak? Bear! Bear! What are you doing that? Why are you eating it? It's not even tasting good. It's just plastic.

Valentina, break the kayak. Break it. Bear! Break it. You know there's like one solitary M&M in the bottom of that kayak that the bear. Break it. You know there's like one solitary M&M in the bottom of that kayak that the bear is looking for. Stupid girl needs to blame herself.

Bad news, mom. No food in the kayak. Alright then, just shred it up and throw it in the river then. And Jay passes by and sees this crazy lady standing on the side. Jay! What the fuck is that, Jay? Bear. Jay! What the fuck is that, Jay? Bear! Jay!

Let's get her! Let's take her to the aquarium, bro! Bear! No, Bear! What the fuck? It's a tuna! So, to me, Julia's just that lady. I've watched it ten times. So,

that's the last thing I have Until the future When Juliet gets pissed I don't know why I thought that was funny But I guess Juliet finally gets pissed In the future again finally Like she's never pissed She's like today I was walking on the street

And it was like bumpy and I was like oh my god The street's trying to trap me Like seriously what did I do What did I do to the street? This show is amazing. It's amazing. Everyone should watch it. Okay, thanks for listening to Watch What Crap and Spy.

Now let's go to Below Deck. Let's go to the sunnier climes of yachting in the Caribbean. Where we start the episode, uh, where we left off, uh, the whole, all the crew is on the Island partying. A meal is wasted trying to get in Rocky's pants.

He's like, I'm going to move to, I'm going to move to California. I'm going to move to California. And Rocky is trying to friend zone him so badly. She's like, I, I feel like your family is like,

why would I want to bang you if your family, she's like, that's my way of saying stop trying to bang me yo poor emile he's like yeah but i want to stick my penis deep inside you it's like emile buddy we're friends right we're just friends i don't know how this couple isn't working it gives them a close-up and those are two of the worst patterns i've ever seen it's emile's terrible ross dress for less pattern that he wears every time he leaves the boat and probably hasn't even been washed and then rocky's like leopard print and i just couldn't and rocky's

in leopard print and mom jean short shorts yes platforms very mom jean short shorts listen you put those two patterns together you get yourself a magic eye pattern so hey it's like if you cross your eyes and look at both of them then you'll see a finger it's like i drink tab pick my kids up from school but also still fucking bars late at night like what are you saying with that outfit she's from orange county that's what she's saying so um so then then they're all sitting at a table drunk and emil's shoving food into his face and he's saying something he's like i'm wonderful like they can't even caption it and then uh at one point emil is just alone he's just drunk and he's alone and he's just looking

around he's like going rocky rocky rocky where's your vagina i want to stick something in it i like when they show this is why i love emil because he's so clueless also he's hot and also he has a muffin top which i just love on a hot man and today we see why he gets upset and then he just goes on a binge so every time they show emil from now on in this scene he's like not just like having a bite of food he's like shoving everything he can see in his mouth he's like eating the candle on the this scene he's like not just like having a bite of food he's like shoving everything he can see in his mouth he's like eating the candle on the table the guy's just like putting fucking mayonnaise on everything and just shoving it down his face out of depression and i was like oh my god hot people have eating disorders too hugs and then dane is like trying to somehow

make him feel better about something. He says like, he's like, oh, because like Emil and Eddie like slap five. And he's like, oh, you guys have matching bracelets. And he's like, oh, no, man, my sister gave me this bracelet. So don't even start that. She found it a hot topic, okay? And so this makes my arms of a hot topic. So don't turn it into a cold joke.

You know what I'm saying? You mess with my sister, you mess with me, mate. And if you mess with my sister, it's like, you know, messing with his sister. He'd want to mess with someone's... He'd want to mess with their own sister. You're disgusting! You're a slut! Whoa! Whoa! Get your

anger in check there, buddy. Yeah. And Dane's like, well, no, dude, maybe I'm just saying I'm jealous of it. Like, maybe I like it, you know? And he's you know and he's like no mate like listen here's what you need to know my sister made this and i want to bang my sister just like i want to bang rocky and we're rocking on like family so just all three three so funny and then he continues to binge and the hippie's like wait a second what i do dude so the hippie guy is the best example of how good those diary room sessions can be. In those diary room sessions, he looks so cute. Like his makeup, whatever they're doing, he looks like he has a pound of makeup on his face.

But still, like he looks really, like his makeup looks really good. And I think they put maybe plugs or something in him. I don't know. But this guy's had a makeover. Because when they show that and then they show them in real life, there's like a huge disconnect. Do you see it? Everyone seems to think he's really cute.

I think he looks, he's a good looking. I don't think he's anything special. I mean, I miss the days when a meal was super hot and now he's like not hot anymore. I like him cause he's rich, but he still works. And also because he has long hair,

which is kind of cool, but he's balding.ding so i like that i like the juxtaposition i like someone who's like super confident like dwight yokeming it up yeah i like someone when they're super confident and you know it's all gonna crash down and i'm hoping he maintains that it doesn't just become like brah darn it kids in the streets you know when he's like 30 because he doesn't have hair anymore i know because you know i feel the pain i felt it i felt it you felt it so then uh everyone goes back onto the boat emil goes to sleep rocky makes some whipped cream and then she's like let's do a whipped cream bikini and so she puts it on connie and kind of like yeah this is great doing a whipped cream bikini because i'm crazy does someone say beard does someone say alligators let's have sex with my whipped cream bikini yeah connie's like it's a good day for connie whenever connie

says anything fun she does it in the third person yeah yeah whipped cream it's a good day for connie and then she's like lifting her arms naked to the cameras and the poor camera guys are like, oh, God, can we go back to the piano playing grandmother's house again? Yeah. Can we bring back Janice from last season? I love Connie, though. You don't. I think Connie and I get the vibe that Connie is like super cool in real life, but I feel like on TV. I don't know.

So then we get Eddie talking to his girlfriend in this awful relationship there. And he's like, you're never going to fucking love me the way you loved him. It's like, dude, just break up with her. No, his hobby is being an angry little man who is pissed off all the time. That's what he does. Like, that's who he is, you know?

Let him enjoy it. Yeah, but it's like, I hate that. Like, apparently she's still talking to the guy. Like, she doesn't, she's being ridiculous. You know, and she's bad because she cheated. and he's being ridiculous because he's sticking with her like he's and uh she probably cheated on eddie because he is sort of a tool when it comes to this stuff so you know what do everyone a favor and just break up just be done with it no one cares well he's only starting all this shit he forgave her a long time ago my opinion is a that she's fake but b if she's not fake then he is just starting this with her so he has an excuse to cheat

later yeah i don't know he's like remember we were broken up because i was mad at you cheating yeah 20 years ago girlfriend from canada whatever he should cheat on her because they are in a dysfunctional relationship so you might as well have some fun out of it i don't care it's like a made relationship don't get involved you know as well have some fun out of it. I don't care, Donnie. It's like a made relationship. Don't get involved. You know, as long as the counters are clean, fuck whoever you want. I don't care.

Just stop using my cell phone minutes. Yeah. So meanwhile, yeah, the whipped cream party's still going on. I felt bad for Amy. I just am imagining Amy walking in, seeing the whipped cream everywhere. She's like,

Hey, y'all, where is everyone? Where's the party? I'm ready for some whipped cream. It's like crickets. Everyone's asleep. Amy's like, hey, y'all, where is everyone? Where's the party? I'm ready for some whipped cream. It's like, crickets, everyone's asleep. Amy's like licking the bowl in the corner. She's like, oh, that was a fun whipped cream party. I just loved

it. She like plucks the starfish out of the ocean. Hey, y'all, you want to come to my whipped cream party? Okay, you sit right there on the table, and I'm going to have some whipped cream. Want some whipped cream? Oh, yeah, whipped cream party. Just me and my starfish. Hey starfish, this is Bowie. Oh, you guys, I'm so glad

you finally got to meet. Do you want some tea with your whipped cream? Wait, we have to give the whipped cream some time to defrost because the chef didn't know how to make it. So let's just wait. Let's just wait. Starfish, you have anything new going on in your life? No? Hey starfish, you have anything new going on in your life? No? Hey, Starfish, you have a point.

Get it? You guys. Hey, Starfish, why are you and Bowie talking about me behind my back? See, I was the one who brought y'all together, and now y'all lying against me. Starfish and Bowie ended up going home together. I'll tell you what. I mean, I brought them both as dates for myself, and now they're in love. I mean, shucks darn. That's what I have to say shucky darn okay you know what I went to the bathroom I came

back they were already having their own whipped cream party with their own defrosted whipped cream they didn't even invite me to it they were waiting for me to leave the room to have their own whipped cream no one calls Amy quitter and's why. I've never really been in the position where I'm allowed to quit. I'm not really dating anybody. It's like, what, am I going to just break up with nobody? I mean, you know who I want to break up with? Loneliness.

I mean, that's not a fun friend, although I do speak to him all the time. Friend zone, though. I'm okay with it. Starfish, I was thinking that maybe you and me, we could talk things out, because we used to be really close, you know i'm okay with it starfish i was thinking that maybe you and me we could like we could like talk things out because we used to be really close you know and then all this stuff happened and i just was like i thought we could we could hash it out so anyway if there's anything you want to say to me in particular like maybe an apology that would be okay too i'm trying to

figure out how to write this letter to Starfish. Because, you know, Starfish not only went home with Bowie, but, you know, like, I don't want to be mean. Because, you know, who's mean to Starfish? But if you look on the bottom of a Starfish, it's got a butthole on its stomach. And that's just not right, y'all. It's just crazy. I don't know. I'm starting to feel really like the third wheel in this starfish buoy situation, and I don't like that. It's sort of like ruining my

charter season a little bit. What are you going to do? What's a starfish going to do with three wheels? It doesn't even live on the land. I mean, it's never even going to topple over because it's just going to be in the water and then it's going to say, hey now, why do I have wheels on? And I'm going to say,

you stupid buoy for going for that stupid starfish. I hope y'all have a nice life because that's what good people do. Maybe starfish is still mad at me after the time I called him a tricycle. Maybe that's what it was. Underwater tricycle. Maybe that's why he went off and stole booey from me. Starfish, you're a real butthole on your stomach. Yeah. You know what, Starfish?

You know, I don't need you on this yacht anyway. But you know what? If you guys ever want to come back, you know, like, we can let bygones be bygones. As long as you both apologize to me. You guys want to hang out again? So good. I mean, we're free. Cut to Rocky.

Cut to Rocky going, look, Emil had his chance. He had his chance. I'm not looking for a boy. I'm looking for a real man, like Tevye. You know, like there's a guy who can support his family, sing a song, tradition. Tradition. Tradition.

Tradition. The cameraman. The Captain Shorts. The Captain Shorts. The Captain Shorts. The cameraman Shorts. The Captain Shorts. The cameraman who is in charge of following around Emil hates him, by the way. Yeah. There are so many unflattering Emil shots in these episodes.

They show him like, we've already seen him jerking off when he thought he was alone. Now we're seeing him crawling to bed after a binge with his boobs all drooping into the camera. Not nice, cameraman. Not nice. Yeah, that was funny. And then the next morning, they're turning the boat over and the new charters are sorority sisters.

Which I love because it gives Kate an opportunity to be shady because we love Kate. By the way, did we mention this last week that Kate listens to the podcast? Because we've found that out. And that's really cool. we love Kate. By the way, did we mention this last week that Kate listens to the podcasts? Because we found that out. Hi, Kate. We love you. Don't even just pretend it's not happening

because then you'll have to be nicer to people. Here's the thing. I never have anything bad to say about Kate, so it's not a problem for me. But I loved it because the sorority sisters coming on gave Kate a chance to be extra snotty. So she's like, I was never in a sorority. I never had to buy my friends.

Yeah. Meanwhile, Amy's like, hey y'all, I got bags of money. Who wants to be my friend? Starfish? Amy's like, that works. You know, whenever I win those tickets in the skee-ball machine, I save them up for a big present. And every time

I try and give them to a pretty girl, she just gets a bear and still refuses to be my friend. How does it work? How do you buy friends? I didn't even know you could do that. Lord knows I've tried. I've tried so hard. And he's like, sorority yacht

time! Woo-hoo! They're like, alright, go run 50 laps around the yacht pledge! They're like, alright, go run 50 laps around the yacht pledge. She's like, okay! Now this is a relationship. Am I right, girls? Girl power! Girls, where'd you go? Where's everybody?

So, um, the big news is that the jet skis need to be topped off. And so Emil comes in, or no, Dane comes in downstairs, and Eddie's on his phone texting with his girlfriend, and Emil is fiddling with something in the cabinets. And Dane's like, yeah, man, the jet skis need to be topped off. And then Emil's like, all right, I'll do it a little bit and Eddie's like no you do it now

you do it now I got things in my mind while he's texting by the way exactly like stop texting you don't have things in your mind you just have a stupid girlfriend he's like you cheated on me do it yourself okay I can't do everything on this boat alright mighty text or whatever

he's so annoying this whole episode he was really over the top annoying this alex he was just walking around like i'm the boss i'm the boss there was one moment where they were eating dinner and someone said shots and emile's like what we're gonna do a shot and alex p keaton says oh he doesn't know i'm his superior tonight oh i guess he just forgot gonna have to remind oh shut. Oh, shut up. Every time they show him, he's either screaming at some fake girl in Canada about cheating

on him, or he's going on about how powerful he is. Shut up. He's classic middle management. It's getting really annoying. I really like Eddie a lot, but he's getting very annoying. He's obnoxious. I really hate when people are that control freaky, and then they don't do shit. Which is starting to look like that's what he is.

Because when is he ever doing anything? All he's ever doing is shouting in that little voice at people and then like marching around, pulling up his dockers. I don't buy it. Shut up. So then so then the guests are they get the ladies want to go on the jet ski. And one's like, I don't know how to do it. And will you show me? And so Dan gets on the jet ski, goes like in a circle't know how to do it jane will you show me and so dan gets on the jet ski goes like in a circle and of course captain lee sees this and freaks out he's

like he's got a walkie talkie on it's not waterproof you can electrocute the entire ocean with that thing and that's why we have rules starfish get out of the ocean you're in danger apparently i'm not the only person whose rules were ignored. You know that walkie-talkie came with instructions taped to the back, don't you, mister? You're going to get a ticket straight back home. So that's probably what he does every time he returns anything on Amazon. All right, well, this was unsatisfactory, so you're going to get a ticket straight back home to Amazon. This didn't come with a rule book i want a refund yeah the captain this whole episode i mean i have like a lot of things but this whole episode in general i was like really we're gonna watch maids

do things oh i loved it i was so into it because the first because what was so good about this episode was that there was so much Kate and Leon stuff, and it was hilarious. So what happened was... Leon, what a bitch. So the ladies... So Leon has made an announcement he's going to be doing... His eyebrows.

Yeah, he's like, he's like, he's like, I'm going to make some short ribs. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do some beef cheeks. And Kate's like, that sounds great. Love it. Love it. She's like, hate'm going to make some short ribs. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do some beef cheeks. And Kate's like, that sounds great.

Love it. Love it. She's like, hate it. Hate it. I'll be back. So then the ladies tell Kate, they're like, you know what? For lunch, let's just do some snacks, just some little bites or whatever. And of course, Kate loves this

because she knows it's going to total wrench into Leon's plan. In fact, she probably even put the idea out there like, hey, ladies, you guys want to do some snacks? But even if she didn't uh kate goes up to leon i was like so the ladies were thinking that they want to do some snacks instead and leon gets so mad he's like nope nope i already made short ribs sorry no no can't do it can't do it can't do it okay oh he's such a bitch this entire episode captain lee is standing there he's for whatever reason captain lee is there and he's just watching it he has this look on his face like huh is this what really happens like is this what happens inside my boat

that's why i don't come downstairs it was ridiculous do i need to post rules in here no running with your shoes on inside the guy all right keep fighting keep fighting so then leon is making you know he's changing things up and he's getting all busy goes i guess i'm not a chef i guess i'm not a charter chef hey what's a charter chef i'd like to know it's like um a charter chef is used to plans changing and doesn't get angry every time something doesn't go his way i'll just like die i just love how she wasn't thrown. She's not scared at all. She's like, ooh, the chef with the eyebrows is yelling at me.

I'm so scared. She's like, I'm not intimidated by the Carnival Cruise Line Vin Diesel. All right. Just do your food. Do what you're supposed to do. I just loved it. Like totally unflappable. You know, she wasn't taken aback.

She was just ready for it. She actually probably had that ready to go for like three weeks it was like oh good finally well a cruise ship chef is um you know he smells like poor people and he doesn't understand proper eyebrow grooming for men so that's that's all i'm saying chef so well we need to talk about communication because your communication sucks and you should have told me this this morning. And I make short ribs and I plan for this all morning. And then I did that. And then why do you talk about?

No one should talk about people. And then every time they show him in his diary room, he's like, I hate Kate. She's awful. She's a stupid bitch. And I'm sick of her talking behind my back because no one likes to be taught. If you got something to say to me, say it to my face, says the man who can speak of nothing else but somebody else every time he's alone with anybody else. Every time anybody else comes in, they're like, how's it going, chef? And he's like, it's a bitch.

You know, she called me a cruisy. I mean, what the hell does that mean? On and on. Like you whiny little bitch all you're sitting here is all you're sitting here doing is whining about how mean a girl is to you and guess what you still have to fucking listen anyway so shut the fuck up cut the short ribs into little squares put them on toothpicks and then go masturbate with your moisturizer yeah seriously even kate's like um do you want to maybe put the fish under skewers? He's like, I don't do skewers. I already put

the skewers away in the cabinet. I can't get them. Sorry. They're already gone. Gone. Gone for the day. Locked away. For some reason, that's reminding me of that Top Chef where they had to cook healthy things for kids and they made grilled chicken skewers. And Tom's like, great. Now we're going to have a bunch of kids

stabbing themselves in the throat. Great idea. Great idea. Tom's like, great. Now we're going to have a bunch of kids stabbing themselves in the throat. Great idea. Great idea. I'm thinking of that. Anyway, back to Below Deck. So then there was more jet ski drama because the jet skis floated away. Oh my gosh, the jet skis floated away

and Emil had to go fetch one. The girls were like, shake it, shake it. Yeah, show us what you're working with. We love muffins. And he's like like does anybody have a robe i can wear into the water they're like no just go out shirtless and he's like oh god i hate myself it's like i don't know stick my penis in the hole of this scooter i don't know why this thing doesn't like me keeps slipping away i know maybe stop being like like, gross. Jesse's, like, getting away from meal.

By the way, I forgot to mention that. I'm just like the jet ski that's running from my meal. I forgot to mention that when Leon was yelling at Kate about communication, he's like, well, maybe you should tell the guests next time that, like, the chef would like to make this and this for lunch. And she's like, I'm not really in the business of bossing around our guests, but thanks anyway for the suggestion. Bye. Love her lover um so anyway the jet ski is floated away and captain lee is pissed it's like we gotta get your heads and get your heads out of your asses and get back into the game i don't know what's going on over here here's what i saw today a couple of machines in

the water floating randomly with nobody attached to them. Have you read the rules? That is not the rules. That is not how to treat a jet ski. If you can't treat a jet ski properly, I'm getting you a ticket and you're going back home and that's it. Have you ever seen the Terminator? Did you ever see the Terminator get into water? Well, guess what? There are a lot of machines in the water today and I never saw that in any machine movie. Okay. So get your heads out of your asses. Otherwise your heads are going to be on your body on a plane with a one-way ticket home all right you know don sitting at home watching this going see i told him i told him this is all you had to do all we had to do was tie it to the side of the boat that's all we had to do but no i'm not that listening to

people pussies what are you gonna listen to that guy what a pussy he's like putting together a set so this is when eddie really annoyed me the most because captain lee was like you know what heads are gonna roll and then they like are excused from the meeting and emil's like tying something in the corner and eddie walks up and goes hey heads are gonna roll get your head back into it otherwise heads are gonna roll that's my i hate that i hate when there's like a big boss who yells at a team who gets mad at a team and then the leader of the of the team because they are so embarrassed and they're frustrated they then just bent it out onto everyone else yeah it's like no eddie just shut up everyone got yelled at equally there's no reason

why you have to like pile on we know you're still the boss you don't have to do it just shut up yeah he's stupid um my favorite little incidental part was they're preparing for the guests at some point, and they just show Amy alone behind that bar from the 80s. And she's opening a bottle of wine, and she goes, she pops it, and she goes, Woo-hoo! Oh, sad little, sad little Amy partying by herself. Woo-hoo! Anyone want some wine?

Just me? Okay. All right. All right. So, you guys, here's your boat. You might recognize it from the film starring Matt Damon and Michael Douglas. This was used as Liberace's room before anyone knew that he was having unprotected sex with Matt Damon. So, enjoy your bed. That boat is so tacky

every time they show it i'm like oh god darling it looks like the waterbed showroom when i was a little kid and we went to see waterbeds and then they're made out of like that shellacked wood they're like look it's an indian priestess shellacked into the headboard of this thing plus a fake crystal hanging off the side you you can put a light bulb in. So for Rocky, she had exciting news, which was that she was being tasked with making dinner for the crew. Oh, you know what, Ronnie? Can you give me a moment? I have to go to the bathroom so badly.

Are you scariest? Now I have to edit this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright, you go pee. I'll just sit here and sing. Okay, I'll be right back. Alright, here we are. Nice and pottied. So,

Rocky's big thing is that she got to make dinner for everyone that night. night for crew dinner. She's like, I get to cook tonight. I get to cook tonight. Like I would cook snails and escargot. And then I would have like baby field greens with some swordfish and some caviar on top of it. Possibly with some really, really, really expensive cream from a real cow.

But, you know, I don't have that. Instead, I found some Lean Cuisine, so I'm going to be cooking them for the next five hours. It's like, it's gonna be a while while I read these instructions. Meanwhile,

I also loved Kate served the guests some berry gazpacho, and she's like, this the guests some berry gazpacho. And she's like, this is a fresh berry gazpacho. Please enjoy. Everyone's like, oh, great. Then she cuts the cake going, gazpacho is bullshit. It's just a fancy name for laziness.

Meanwhile, I literally have an entire thing of gazpacho in my fridge. And I'm not lazy. There you go. She's like, it's not even real soup. You just put things in a blender and then pour it into a dish. What are we on? Some princess cruise line? I mean, Jesus, Leon.

It's like the last time I had gazpacho was when I went to Walmart and I was getting popcorn at the end at that little stand. And they said, would you like some gazpacho? And I said, make an effort in life. How about that last time i had gazpacho was the time my tickets got messed up and i wound up on that stupid disney cruise line in hawaii and they served gazpacho i thought great stupid fucking lazy gazpacho soup served in a bowl that shaped like his ears it's just a melted popsicle he's like well it's what i had frozen so i melted it into

a pot into a bowl and if you don't like it maybe you can communicate me with me next time like i'm some idiot like i'm just a walmart chef okay there ding ding turn that frown upside down i know i understand that you have i understand you uh had your formal culinary education at the Pizza Hut inside one of the Targets in West Hollywood. Meanwhile, Amy's like, woohoo! She's like, I love cold liquids! This is amazing. This is the first thing that's let me swallow it in years. I love you, Gatsby! I love the movie the great gazpacho

it's so romantic i bet i bet starfish misses this gazpacho now but he wishes he's still my friend starfish i was like starfish i just ate the person from titanic he was delicious he's dead now so then there was like a dinner making montage where rocky was essentially making chicken and salad and it took her she served it almost three hours late which would have driven me absolutely nuts and in that time leon managed to nap wake up serve a lovely dinner and then and do his dishes then she's like chicken is ready and it was like half raw half overcooked and then alex b keaton's like well i need a really sustenance i need sustenance i need a big manly meal because i do a lot texting get your head in the game rocky yeah

sex sex sex sex my chef's like this chicken is pink have you not heard the rules people cannot eat this or they will die racky so my favorite part of the episode was um after dinner the guests were like you know it'd be great like let's get some like brownies and like maybe some sliders too and then so kate tells leon he's like hey hey leon the uh guests would like some cream cheese brownies and some sliders. And he's like, nope, nope, I just turned the oven off. Like, oh no! Oven's closed. And Kate's like, okay, well, turn it back on, and the guest will have

requested some cream cheese brownies, so... I just love that. She's like, yeah, so turn it back on and make those brownies, please, thanks. And meanwhile, we see he doesn on and make those brownies, please. Thanks. And meanwhile, we see he doesn't even make the brownies from scratch. He uses a mix, which is totally fine. But why is he complaining?

Like, this is some huge burden. Like, every other thing he makes. I'm sorry, but that man can make some pretty looking food. But at the end of the day, he served people frozen conch because he didn't know how to get it open. If you're worried about people questioning your professional professionality, that's probably one of the reasons. Buddy. Just watch Chopped. I mean, for Christ's sake, man. How do you not know Chopped?

Exactly. I mean, and look, the sliders, all he did was slice off some sirloin and sear it for like two minutes per side okay it's really not that hard brownie mix you pour the brownie mix with some oil and like two eggs you put in the oven for you know 25 minutes okay just calm down dude like no one is asking you to make find five new conks it's like well i hate brownies you know one time i tried to make brownies and i heard them talking about me in the hallway. They were calling me a hack and a loser. What do you say for yourselves, brownies? I was like, just cook us, darling.

Shut up. I mean, you know it's bad news when even Amy was like, you know, if you can't, I mean, I don't think making a brownie is that much of a big deal. Maybe yachting isn't for him. I'm like, ooh, wow, even Amy's like, I'm going to back away. I know. Amy is like, listen, wow. Even Amy's like, I'm going to back away. I know. Amy's like, listen, if somebody asks you for something special, that means that they're actually asking you for something.

Just be grateful. If those customers were calling you on the phone right now, would you yell at them or say, yes, whatever you're going to ask me, yes, I will marry you or debt you or clean your bedroom. I don't even care. Just ask me something. Woohoo. Hey, Mr. Starfish. Hey, we got brownies up here in sliders. No, no, no. Okay, okay. That's fine. That's fine. Go enjoy your tricycling

down on the bottom of the ocean with your non-brownies. I'm so sorry, tricycle. I mean, I mean, starfish. She's so cute. um the chef's an asshole but it looks like he's gonna be gone i know next next week looks so good but in the meantime so the as the episodes started to come to an end we had the usual drama i was like all right everyone we're going to dock dun dun dun dun dun get the, dun. Get the fenders out. Get the fenders out. Are we all clear? Are we all clear? Yes. Yep.

As in every week. We're all gonna die. Oh, the rope wasn't brought back onto the boat properly. And without the boat on the, without the rope on the boat, I mean, it's just a floor without a rope on it. And that's the rules, kids. And then, so they dock. Everything's fine. The women get off.

And then everything's fine. And then Eddie's still like, he's like, people weren't using their brains. Got their heads in their ass. Shut up, Eddie. What are you complaining about? You docked. Everything was good.

Even Captain Lee was like, great job today. And he's like, anyway. Yeah. Mates on a boat. And then they all empty the mop water and decide to start all over again. And then Rocky says to emil like emil again is coming onto her and rocky's like listen i want you to start thinking of me as your sister and emil's like oh that's great because

boys wanted to fuck my sister yeah right oh and then she wrote rocky oh then she wrote emil that note she's like you guys i don't know how to say this to Emile, so I'm going to announce it to the entire boat first. I don't even understand why he's into me. What have I done? And then the ladies are like, you walked around in, like, come fuck me mom jeans. Like, how is he not going to be into you? She's like, I don't even understand why I'm lay, why I'm sexy. Well, no, she was into him and he did bungle it. I'm actually on Why I'm sexy. Well, no. She was into him. And he did bungle it.

I'm actually on Rocky's side on this. She was definitely throwing herself at him. And then she found out, oh, wait. This is not going anywhere. And she lost her interest, which is what happens to, I think, a lot of people. And now he's trying, but it's too late. In fact, he's really creepy. He's like, I last quite long just to let you know.

Oh, he's so gross. Who talks to people like that? That's harassment. I was about to say, that's what I wrote. was like i was like you know isn't that sexual harassment i mean you guys are they're co-workers you can't you you know he's a stickler for rules but you cannot say those things or co-worker even if you're interested in them you can't say i last quite a lot i mean that you there are a few things he's done that he said i want to bang you etc etc but um he's like i want I don't want some finger foods.

I want some fingers in you. They're not even witty. They're just gross, you know? He's like, look, here we are inside. I want to be inside of you. She's like, oh, God. He has some growing opinions to do. But, yeah, so they have that awkward flirting thing.

What was I going to say about stupid Emil? Yeah, he's gross. And he's really creepy when he says things like rocky she's playing hard to get but i'm just ignoring it because i don't take no for an answer i'm like okay well i know that you're probably in international waters right now but please don't say that in america because you'll probably go to jail okay yeah don't do that stupid yeah he's gonna he's gonna grow up very soon and i feel worse for amy because poor amy is sitting there and rocky's like i'm writing him a note about how much i don't like him and she writes it all in caps and it's like dear romeo you're

like an economist professor and don juan a chef or whatever and then uh she gives it to him and then she she's like well how do i give gives it to him and then she's like, well, how do I give him the idea? And poor Amy's just putting her weave down and pretending she's not hearing any of this. And she's like, maybe I'll pretend to be a lesbian. And Kate's like,

no, that'll probably turn him on. So I would suggest just fucking the hippie. She's like, oh, that's a great idea. And you just see Amy deflate. It's like, that's a great idea and you just see amy deflate it's like there's another one hey starfish uh you want to come to the dance with me after all poor thing she's like i'm gonna ask this franzy if it will play uno with me later and it's like meanwhile but by the way meanwhile she gives she gives that note

to emil and he's all pissed off he's all angry like yeah and he's doing that he basically is doing that thing like you gave me all the signs you gave me all the signs it's like no no dude she gave she did at one point because she was interested and then she stopped and now you're actually being you're being rapey now well you don't have a right day green forever emile eventually you have to stop when they you know yeah how about you don't get wasted on a date and how about if it's a date uh and you don't go in for the kiss that you go in for the kiss the stupid emile in traffic court would be like red light what are you talking about it was green then it turned red but first it was green so i went through it then i got out and i humped the pole i stuck it in there real good that's

right damn my man show me one thing i did wrong they're like uh you ran a red light they're like listen it's like listen i know it said stop but i don't care what it said it's not my fault that i crashed into three cars in the intersection. Just because it said stop. My sister gave me that intersection. Don't make... It's time to go now. This is enough, Ben. This is over two hours,

and we just talked about mains for like an hour. Darling, come on. Good times. All right, everyone. Thanks for listening. It's always fun. We will chat with everyone next week. Two more brand new fresh episodes and a bonus episode.

If you want to get involved in the bonus episode, it's pretty simple. You go to patreon.com and you support us. You get support for as little as a dollar per episode. Oh, the new ringers just came out too, so the subscriber ringers are up. And you guys, they're really funny today because

there's a Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. Valentina. I can't stop.

I just keep pressing the sounds button to hear it over and over. So, yeah. Also come to our Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens to talk crap with us during the week. Check out WatchWhatCrappens.com for WatchWhatCrapHands to talk crap with us during the week. Check out WatchWhatCrapHands.com for all our links. And in the meantime, oh, my God, so much good Real Housewives of Orange County shit has been coming out. And they're actually shooting the reunion right now, Ben, as we speak in some terrible hotel somewhere with a Ross Dress for Less carpet. Can't wait. So we will be here to talk all of that crap next

week. And in the meantime, if your children bother you, have them cleared. And I think that's it. That's it. Bye, everybody. Bye. Love. Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.