Watch What Crappens - #226: Lost in a Butt

Episode Date: October 6, 2015

Amazing Housewives music! Plus: Shannon thinks she has something up her butt. Is it real? Or is it a piece of ghost plastic? And what does David think about all this? Ben Mandelker (bsideblog, The Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) leave the SATANIC world of Orange County and delve into the “I’m Sorry, Really, Bitch” parade on Married to Medine’s 20 part finale reunion. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you girls. Now on with the show. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. And as usual, I'm here with Ben Mandelker, the lovely, gorgeous, talented, beautifully poured, evenly waxed Ben Mandelker from the B-Side blog. Hello, Ben. Oh, well, I'm sorry I missed that. I was underwater in my baptism.

Oh, Ben. Did you have a couple of drinks first in a limo? No, but I did make the error of squinting my eyes, and therefore my makeup has run everywhere. Thank you guys so much for listening. Another week, another crazy episode or two of Bravo to talk about. Come to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash watch what crappens. If you want to talk to us during the week and comment during live show threads and post your own articles,

we're laughing a lot at that page lately. We've got a new vine page. We're on Twitter. Come to watch what crappens.com for all the links. Thank you to everybody who's supporting us on patrion.com slash watch what crappens. That's where you can go and subscribe to bonus episodes, which we just recorded a good

what hour yeah 45 minutes 45 to an hour it was it was an interesting one yeah we see is we're talking about yeah we talked about uh someone pooping in a target uh people with disrespect towards humanity getting bad things or having bad things happen to them yeah we got into it we got deep we actually got deep about our psychology and what we mean when we hurt people it's all there in this very special watch what crap is bonus from australia it's right sponsored by kate blanchett uh, so thank you. The bonus episodes are there. There's ringtones. There's a really good Valentina ringtone this month.

We'll have a Google Hangouts in a couple weeks, which is a live video chat. So anyway, go to patreon.com slash watchitcrappens and thank you so much to everybody who does it and thanks to our premium subscribers. Yeah. We have three now. Three premium subscribers. Yes, it's so exciting so cool um you know i promised i was gonna stop saying um and i'm starting with um it's okay well what i was

gonna say uh about our facebook page is that you know everyone as you mentioned everyone posts all sorts of funny things i think about my favorite thing that was posted in the past week, perhaps this past month, came from our listener, Sarah Prophet. Did I say that correctly? Prophet? Prophet? Because there's a lot of F's and T's in there. Sarah Prophet, she found a website,

the website of the composer, Alan Lazar, I believe his name. He's the one who composes all the music for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Orange County. And he has tracks of all the stuff he's composed. And it is absolutely amazing. And I'm especially happy because

I think I've been able to find the quote-unquote coconut music that I always refer to whenever Brooks is talking about his cancer and the producers play stupid music. There are a bunch of tracks that could qualify. A lot of the tracks actually sound the same. But the one that I believe sounds most like it is called No Good Husband. And this is what it sounds like. Yes.

It's like, well, I'll have cancer. Here's my test. It's a wacky mystery. It's a wacky mystery. Actually, you know what? There's another one that was really good that is even more coconut music. That one is actually more wacky.

I think it's, is it perhaps? Yeah, that one's like Vicky's at a petting zoo and she's like, I love animals. Yeah, this one is called Bouncy Beautiful. This might be more appropriate. Sounds a little like Dido, to be honest. Yes. Yeah, this is, we've all heard this one.

Oh my gosh. Actually, this one I would see as more like Vicky is making... We're making songs out of all of these, by the way. We need to make these into ballads. And then the other one... Play it again, Ben.

There's one called Blonde Liberation, which is also very Coconut Music-y for Brooks. Here we go. Yeah, there. It's that. So good. This is very much like, well, I went down to Newport Imaging

and got myself a sandwich from the vending machine and they did a scan on me too. Have a scanning machine so now what's also funny is that some of these tracks actually are named for some of the women so this one is called heather loses it okay Yes. It's like images of onion rings. Ribbon on my cake. I was about to say, I feel like this made a debut around Cake Gate. Yes.

Who, Terry, who broke the ribbon on the cake? She's got a crumb on her face. I would like you to leave right now. I'll rub my ribbon. I would like you to leave right now. Now let's see if you, can you guess the name of this one? This one's named after one of the housewives. Okay.

Okay. We're going to play it for a little bit and then you say what you think the name is. Okay. I'm sneaking into Jesus's heart okay this is Megan Justice no you were actually very close it's called sneaky Tamara Tamara was my first thought I was gonna say Tamara was sneaking into Jesus's heart yeah okay here's another one. Guess the name of this one.

Don't look at the lists. Okay. This is named after one of the women. Oh, girl. Vicky's pissed. She's coming for you. And on the lens. She's gonna drown you

in margarita and then blow up us when we don't live again. This one is actually called That one was actually called Tamra Goes Nuclear. This spell, it says Tamara. Okay, and then here's another one.

Another one for you to guess. We've all heard this one. This is a classic one. Lunch to discuss whether Tamara's telling the truth or not. What's more fat mean? The steak or the lettuce?

David, I just don't know if this is top worst, David. Do you think it looks good? It's great gear. I don't know. I'm going to have to just stop it on my asshole. Is the sunset beautiful, David? Does the sunset cost skin cancer, David? Oh, God.

I didn't bring the cream. That one's actually called Totally Tamara. So basically they're all named after Tamara except for... Oh wait, here's one. Here's one that's not named after Tamara. But it's someone who is no longer on the show. Someone who is no longer on the show. However,

I've got a business. And she's not going to stand in my way. I love there's always like a, there's like some sort of xylophone, vibraphone action on everyone's tracks. I like imagining a full orchestra. I'm like the helicopter from Miss Saigon coming down. Tamara's got proof in her hands. from Miss Saigon coming down. Tamara's got proof in her hands.

That one was called... Alexis tries to learn lines. No, that one was called The Devil and Tamara. I feel like this one's called Slippery Slope. I feel like this one's probably Alexis tries to learn lines. Let's see. Yeah.

There was a fire and seven people were caught in the building. Oh, they were saved. Thank God. X turns. What does X mean? Now, I won't play too many more of these, but I just want you to know that we do have a whole

huge variety of tracks from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This one, try to guess which. Oh, Beverly Hills has some classics. Yeah. When I was listening to these last night, a lot of them sound the same. I thought for sure. I was like, oh, this would be the classic track. They all sound the same.

But guess which one this track is named after. Did the geese bite you on your way in, darling? Sorry about that. Oh, you can't train a goose. It's a swan, darling. I don't want to call it a goose. It's a swan. Evil swan.

Lisa's Wacky Swans. No. That one is actually called Earth to Kim. I love that. Even composer Alan Lazara gets shady with these names. Okay, play it again because now we know that's the name. Yeah. Now when you hear it, you can imagine her adjusting picture frames and making chicken salad.

Totally. Play it again. Well, yeah, it's crazy being here without the kids, but, yeah, it's great. We're having fun, right? You ever meet Tana with a spoon? It tastes like metal. Emilio Estevez used to do that late at night. Christy McNichol's coming over later, so I gotta make the best chicken salad I can make.

She loves it. I'm gonna do a chicken dance. Chicken! So excited. Dynamanop is delivering a car to me today. Oh, I heard the St. Bernard died from the Beethoven film. We were good friends.

There are actually a ton of Real Housewives ones. I think Glamorous Gardens is probably a Lisa Vanderpump sort of anthem. Oh, yeah, let's listen to that one. This is probably... Yeah. We're seeing, like, shots of... Silent farts! Silent farts!

Ken, darling, open a window! Jiggy's almost ready to be shaved down again, darling. New hairdo in the pike. Rosario, can I have my tea, please? And take this trash bag out to the curb. Thank you. I don't even know why I was holding it in the first place. Please don't hit me.

And then we also have... I can't wait for that show to come back It's coming back So soon There's one that's There's one that's Emotional winter Cupcake rehab

Canine fashion Camille gospel I'm sorry I keep hitting my mic everybody By the way I hope this is entertaining As entertaining for everyone at home as it is for us I'm sorry I keep hitting my mic everybody by the way I hope this is entertaining As entertaining for everyone at home as it is for us I'm loving this They all have the same sort of beat

Oh it is sort of Camille gospel Yes I don't remember what episode this could have been from I own the golf course I own the tennis course I own the tennis course Raises friends, teaches tennis I own the tennis course I like this one. Teaches tennis

All day long I want to I like it. Hagrid's here Carrying groceries Is it over? Um, there's one, um, Ooh, Unhinged Housewife?

Yes. Yes, please. Oh, yes. Sounds like a thriller. Oh, yes. Sounds like a trailer. Oh, yeah. This is coming back from the commercial break. Why were you saying these things about me, Taylor? Why?

My husband was not with a hooker in a hotel bar. Well, I actually have proof that he was. What do you think about that? How could you pack the pamphlet, the real estate pamphlet, where he was photographed with another woman into your luggage? Listen. I want to do another track.

Taylor left Cheerio crumbs in the luggage. She had a nervous breakdown inside of it. Right now,yle's heather i'm gonna need some time between oc and beverly hills to adjust my heather accent for kyle okay here's the last one how about this verbal violence or they're sour sisters which was sour sisters sour sisters this is probably an issue between the two of them they're sitting down a coffee Ooh, Sour Sisters. Sour Sisters. This is probably an issue between the two of them. They're sitting down at coffee, Beverly Hills.

Do you like our new house? Maurizio just bought it. I just feel like we used to be so close, you know, and now I don't know what's happened. This fella has a picture of Hawaii on it. Is that Hawaii? I think it said on that beach. How'd you get my view onto your pillow?

What happened to Starbucks that was across the street? That was my favorite Starbucks. What'd you do with the Starbucks, Kyle? You sold my Starbucks. All right. We should probably get to the regular show. That was so fun. We'll probably play with this music many, many, many more times over the course of the next five years. Yeah, that's some great music.

And it happened right around the time we started making videos for our Vine channel. Thank you. We'll be using those a lot. Please don't sue us. By the way, we're going to be on Patty Stanger's podcast this week. for our Vine channel. Thank you. We'll be using those a lot. Please don't sue us. By the way, we're going to be on Patty Stanger's podcast this week. Don't announce before it's confirmed.

It is confirmed. Oh, it's confirmed. Cool. I'm going to talk about my relationship with Bueller. What are you going to talk about? My relationship with Bueller. Like, I resent him

and I don't know why. So, Ben, you know what I've got to say to you? Ben, your time is precious. It's so precious. And you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. But who has the time to sift through all the nonsense on the internet? I don't. I don't.

You know, for those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, there's Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's

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That's awesome. Look, you can see they have Wine Enthusiast, Weight Watchers, W Magazine. Oh, Weight Watchers. You know what? Shut up. Weight Watchers, W Magazine. Oh, Weight Watchers. You know what? Shut up. Weight Watchers is like, hey, here's how to make a low calorie Snickers. There is no low calorie Snickers, okay?

It's not going to work. Just eat a Snickers. But still got to read the magazine because it makes me feel thinner, man. And if I do that on... Diabetic Living. Diabetic Living. Signing out for both of them at the same time. All the sugar you get from the fake Snickers, you can counteract that by reading the Diabetic Living bin.

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Give me a break, I'm shocked. You think you're trying to make it to the top. And you know there were two versions of it. Oh, what was the other one? Oh, the other one was more gospel-y. Give me a break. Yes. I love that show.

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have. So people, oh, you know what? We should have been doing this entire ad to one of the Real Housewives songs. Oh, damn it. Well, we could, you know, you could still play one. We can edit that right, Ben. All right, let's pretend like this ad

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Yeah, again you can try Next Issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com crappins Wasn't that exciting? The timing was really good on that that ending Okay, so thank you Next Issue Alright, let's get into the show Wasn't that exciting? Oh, the timing was really good on that. That ending. Okay, so thank you, Next Issue.

All right, let's get into the show. We've got some wonderful things coming up. I keep seeing announcements that Melbourne's coming back, which is, you know, I'm always going to have an excuse to let that terrible accent stay within me, everybody. So there's that. But let's get to Real Housewives of Orange County, baby. Yeah, let's get to real housewives of orange county baby yeah let's get there and speaking of people coming back the show started with jesus rihanna oh jesus i'm just

kidding but he came i mean he's like the most famous for coming back and he was in this show oh um uh i'm not familiar i'm jewish so uh briannaanna is back and she is so happy to be back in Orange County. She's like people. Oh my God. There are people here and restaurants. She's like, and OC doesn't even have good restaurants. It's just that at least there are restaurants.

So it's not one big golden corral cafeteria that you just, I mean, she makes Oklahoma sound like, yeah, like it's just one old folks home with nothing in it. It's just people pooping on the floor and eating macaroni and cheese and like drooling on themselves. Just nothing but CeCe's pizzas as far as she can see. Oh, if only.

That's my idea of heaven, Ben. Streets lined with CeCe's. But Brianna's like, yeah, finally I can get my hair done. I can go to like real restaurants and i can wear you know bright pink shirts with cutouts all over it because that's totally an oc thing every shirt has a cutout yeah every they're like in in the strangest place possible like here's a triangle over here by my side my shoulder blade gets a half moon a triangle and a diamond figure it out i dare you uh i put a trapezoid by my lumbar um so the whole gang is uh is they don't have parks in oklahoma by the way i just

read that in my notes they don't have they don't have oh yeah she's like well we can go to a park they don't have those in oklahoma i'm like are you sure about that i mean i know orange county is a little prettier than oklahoma but i'm sure oklahoma has parks just admit it ryan doesn't let you out of the storm shelter no kidding yeah well finally my wrists are healing you know the rope burns are starting to go away it's good to be in orange county please don't let him take me she's like finally furniture without plastic on it. There's got to be somewhere for homeless people to sleep in Oklahoma. I don't believe that Oklahoma just doesn't have homeless people.

Get a part of the tornadoes. Just come and just clean them away. Some people call them tornadoes. We call them street sweeping. We call it gentrification storms. So so then everyone's sitting around the table. They're having... Still laughing. Gentrification storms.

There's an F5 gentrification storm coming through. Looks like we'll be able to walk the streets free from now on for the next three weeks. Except the problem with gentrification zones is that it puts more people out on the streets. Damn it, this cycle. Tornadoes. Tornadoes clean up the streets but then put new people on them.

Ah, that place really makes you wish for a tornado. Think it's a tornado coming to clean up the new homeless. Oh, jeez. Gotta keep clipping the garden or it'll overgrow. I know, Ask Alfredo. It's like what they say about shaving

pubes. Once you start, you can't stop. Oh, Lord. You were trying to go on. No, I was saying how they're all sitting around the table and Vicky's all excited because she has a 10-year plan for her insurance business, which is either sell it or, you know, to pass it on to you, Brianna, or you, Ryan, or you to Michael. And, you know, she's like, you know, insurance is so fun.

So fun. You just love it. Ryan's like, I'd rather go back to war than work in insurance. She's patting him hard on the back. And I think he's not working because of his bad back. She's like, like so you hear about insurance ryan so ryan what about insurance how's your back oh thank god for insurance if i write right otherwise you'd be in bed right now you'd be in bed he does not look thrilled with

the idea no and who would want ryan no one would put their feet up anywhere at any time. Yeah. Yeah. There'd be no waiting room. He's like, I'm getting rid of all this furniture. I don't want people sitting on it. Get your feet off the couch. Have some respect, you hippie slut. It's like, okay, this is a business meeting, Ryan. Okay.

Why do I let go of these reins, but you're not making it easy, right? We're out of Fritos in the break room. If anyone wants to order those. Who's in charge of ordering that? Who's in charge of restocking the vending machine? Now, I have an insurance. I have insurance taken out with this very company that says if we run out of Fritos in the machine, I get a million dollars.

So, pay up, company. I just want to say my cancer meds have run out in the vending machine. So, could you please restock the Revestrol and the Twix? The Twix is supposed to fix pancreatic cancer. Anything carrot flavored should work. Just go ahead and put it in there maybe some sun chips maybe some sun chips would be a good idea for my cancer so you could just put it right there in the vending machine for me please ryan and brianna's open disgust with vicky

is so funny because vicky's trying very hard and at this point we're aware of how aware she is of the cameras because of the the fight they showed in the previous leaves uh where she's talking about brianna coming to visit and brianna saying i'm gonna stay in a hotel room brooks he's never gonna be around my children that monster and vicky are you really gonna talk like this you're gonna do this on tv really brianna really so we know how she feels about it. So Vicky's very upbeat at this. She's like, hey, welcome to breakfast.

Oh, going to give you a company. Hope you guys are ready. Hope you're enjoying the car. You're going to enjoy the company most. I mean, that's driving a huge car. That's driving a quadruple huge car. You're going to be able to buy your own cars. Meanwhile, Vicky goes out of the room and then they're immediately like

this house feels weird now. It has a weird smell. It smells weird. And Ryan's like, yeah, it's dirty now. It's way dirtier. But to be fair, he also is like the husband and sleeping with the enemy in terms of dirt. An ant walks in. He's like, did that ant

tread in any dirt? I see some dirt. The paper towels, the pictures on the paper towels aren't lining up correctly. This house is disgusting. I could hear a dust bunny under the couch. Get out of here. Even this filthy trap. He says, it smells in here. Yeah, it smells now.

It's like musk. That's hilarious that brooks makes a house stink they're probably being over dramatic brats but uh the other possibility is that brooks just stinks and you know he does and then vicky takes them to a petting zoo and she's like look you know it's totally normal it's a smelly nature you know don't judge brooks it's supposed to smell like this that's what the whole world smells like. Next, we're going to go to a slaughterhouse. See, this is what Brooks smells like also. I like that they had more of a problem with the odors.

One of those rooms on a Febreze commercial where there's hanging fish, dead fish, upside down with turned over garbage and a homeless person holding a jar of his own poop in living color. Oh, this is totally a normal smell. Do you smell anything? For Brooks.

I do like that they had more of an objection with the odors in Vicky's kitchen than at the petting zoo. Like, no, we like it. It smells like we're at Aunt Tamara's house. Give it a cracker so then we cut to the household of Megan King Edmonds where her

scene opens with her saying I made you ice cream sandwiches Hayley like no you basically took them out of the box I just love it because it opens with Megan in a headband a new headband head of the box. I just love it because it opens with Megan in a headband, a new headband. Headbands are her thing, and I love it. And this is a...

I'm a mom friend. I'm a friend mom. I'm a friend mom headband. Friend mom headband! And she was reading from another fucking recipe. She's always reading to her. She's like, I'm like a mom, so I'm going to read to you. Okay?

So today is from a recipe. So today. What was today? Today is for a facial. We're going to try teriyaki again because waste not want not. Am I right, Justice? Yeah, Justice. Here, I made you another ice cream sandwich.

It's my favorite ice cream flavor. Justice, between two knowledge cookies. By the way, I have to say very excited. The stupid Photoshop thing I made of Megan as Captain America. Bravo actually put it on their website and they credited us. So it's official.

Bravo knows we exist. At least whoever's posting, Ryan or whoever's working over there. Thank you for whoever did that. That's so nice. And it is nice because Ben thank you for whoever did that that's so nice and it is nice because ben you make that picture i got some cred i got cred i got cred so yeah she's making justice stuff and she's like look i'm sorry i'm always trying to teach you how to make something but i haven't figured out how to just eat books and i've tried okay so until then

i loved i love it was like the blind leading the blind about how to make a homemade facial. It was like, Megan's sitting there reading the list of ingredients. She's like, okay, we need lemon, sugar, olive oil, organic honey, Tupperware. And you could tell that Haley was like,

oh, so do we grind the Tupperware up into the facial? Is that what we do? I'm not putting plastic on my face. Fucking relic. I don't do Tupperware. It's bad for the planet. The facial. I love when people, I love when young people without any wrinkles do facials.

Oh, the memories. Yeah. And then Megan starts talking about Tamara's baptism. She's like, oh, because Tamara calls up and and is like I want you to come to my baptism batch and Megan's like I totally support Tamara's baptism but I just want you to know that I called up the pastor

and they don't even do baptisms she's like but that's okay because I have a pastor and pastors totally do it in pools it's It's going to be awesome. I don't know. I just... I better be a pool of knowledge. I don't know what I'm talking about.

What are you making your facial out of? What are you making your facial out of? Knowledge. One part knowledge, two parts justice, and three parts honey. Yeah, that's just for acne. You gotta, like, add aloe and vanilla. Well, use aloe and vanilla if your husband likes dick. Like, it almost cures it.

And then you can use some bridles and jams and some milk. If you, like, want to get rid of the bulging veins after you get Botox. Okay? Okay, you're welcome, bitch! Well, I love that Megan finally gets this homemade facial on her, and it truly looked like a facial. It looked like ten people had just jizzed on her face. It was terrible.

It's like, why are you doing this to yourself? Driving in the car with my children. My children are in the car, Ben. I start orgies. I start bukkakis. Yeah, that's what it was. I was like, what do they call it when a bunch of people jizz on one person Bukaki

Oh I hope this war with Bukaki ends soon That would be terrible Haley I have an acne problem So we're going to do something I found on the internet Called a Bukaki facial And I think it's supposed to really fix things I already went to prom Sorry I'm not following you around anymore Because I'm your friend now Friend mom I already went to prom.

Sorry, I'm not following you around anymore because I'm your friend now. Friend mom. Friend mom. I can't hang out here. I have to think about whether or not I'm going to go to the lowest level of higher education. I have to check in at school. I'm deciding whether or not to take a class at the Learning Annex. I think that Megan's looking at all of this wrong because I think these

scenes are actually really cute because Megan is putting forth such an effort and Haley is being like a brat, but the reason it's cute is because that's what a teenager does. I mean, that is how a teenager treats their mom. So she is treating you like a mom. You just don't see it

yet, but you will see it in the future and it'll warm your little heart guys let's all hug yeah stepmoms unite in the future and you know in the near future because in the later future she won't be hailey's stepmom anymore well she kind of gave a hint of that when she said oh this is just depressing like i mean i'm on facetime with my husband and like i look all good i did my hair for it and like he just tells me like i look half as pretty without one of my eyelashes on and then like his daughter's a bitch and he's just like go for it and you know what i don't want to do this anymore no she said i don't want to do this ever again. And that made it sound pretty, you know, I'm sure that she was saying.

She has no say in it. He calls all the shots. Just keep on taking your eyelashes on and off. I have to keep them on. When I keep them on, I can't see. But then the thing is that Justice is blind. So I don't know. Sometimes you can see Justice better

through a filter of plastic. Those things were huge. They looked like one of those drops that you put over things so you don't get paint all over the floor at a construction site. Jesus. Are you carrying those things on your face, Don? There's a headband there. It's little invisible strings. Go for the headband to help support.

All right. So what else? So then the next thing we go to is we go to the Bedore household. And the marriage counselor comes over. Tina. Tina's been instrumental in helping David and I move forward. We're going to show you how forward we moved by being interviewed for the 75th time this week about our marriage. Well, what I loved is that when she gets in there, David's like, so you want some water? Want some beer?

Want some wine? She's like, no, no, thanks. Want some juice? Want some milk? Do you want anything? He's like, any excuse to leave the room. He's like, please let me go to a different room right now. Let me get you anything. Anything at all. Do you want an apple? He just doesn't know how to appeal to Tina. He has to be like, oh, hello, Tina dear. Would you

like an awkward pattern that doesn't quite fit you properly? Because I can go to Ross, dear. I can go to Ross right now, dear. Would you like an awkward pattern that doesn't quite fit you properly? Because I can go to Ross, dear. I can go to Ross right now, dear. He's like, that sounds great. Go. Get me some plaid flowers. Go.

So then it was more of the therapy sessions that we love, where Shannon was saying how, you know, when David first had the affair, I had, negative thoughts all day long, but now I've had days go by where I don't even think about it. Instead, I think about Brooks' fake cancer. It's just a great replacement. She literally did say this stuff. Yeah. By the way, this isn't just like

bullshit that we're making up. She's like, I've had days go by, and then the therapist says something about how David is, David says something nice or whatever. And the therapist says, well, you know, David's not that touchy-feely. And Shannon's like, well, I'm not touchy-feely either. Believe me, missy, I'm not touchy-feely. And if I know David well, I would say he's very touchy-feely.

How do you think he wound up with a mistress, David? If we're going to talk about touchy-feely, I'm going to need a bottle of need a bottle of gray goose first all right a bottle of gray goose and nine lemons and cut them open but do not squeeze them and then bring me a plate of limes but i don't want to play squeeze them into my drink negative thoughts negative thoughts you knew this was gonna go bad because it started out with tina saying now now remember last time they were in therapy with this tina chick it was another bad pattern. And David got defensive. And Tina said, when David's not honest, we can't go forward, Shannon.

And David got all upset. So that was the last time we've seen Tina. So now she's saying, well, there's been some challenges. And then Shannon immediately snaps her head to look at David, accusingly. That's you, David. Challenges. David, I double dare you for the physical challenge.

David. So David says that he's like, well, I can be touchy-feely. He's like, I really can open up. I can be open and honest if I'm in a safe environment. And then all of a sudden, Shannon loses it. She's like, this puts me in a bad moment, David. David, I'm in a bad environment. And then all of a sudden, Shannon loses it. And she's like, this puts me in a bad

moment, David. David, I'm in a bad moment. Negative thoughts. Negative thoughts, David. Fat, oil, grease, sugar. David. Negative moment. Because he's saying that if he's with the mistress, then he's free to say whatever he wants, and it's free, and he can do whatever he wants, but when he's with me, he can't.

He can't. He can't open his fucking mouth. Every time he does, you either cry or you berate him. You do. Like, come on. Exactly. She's like, David. But then she tries to put a positive spin on it by saying,

you know, it used to be that when David would make me cry, which was all the time, if you remember, I would not be able to get over it for days, then hours. But now, David makes me cry, and then I'm okay. Not too long after. I'm like, oh, well, that's good. That's called official bipolar disorder. It's like, I can switch back and forth from sobbing to smiling in two seconds now.

It's amazing. No, you're going crazy. You're slowly going insane. You're describing insanity. I've learned how to compartmentalize and repress. It's wonderful. Now, every time David makes me cry, I just think of something wonderful, like the chandelier.

Or going to France, or Dr. Moon sticking things up my butt and them not breaking. If I start to lose resolve, I just picture a big hole in the ground and I just keep digging it and digging it and going deeper and deeper and hearing less and less things until it matters less and less. Ah, does that feel great? Ah, it's a new me! I just cram all these emotions into a deep, dark place, and I'm sure they will never come out in any other form such as neuroses that I have plastic lodged into my rectum.

Oh, God. Oh, this episode. I can't believe it's taken this long for somebody on this show to get something stuck up their ass for so long. I know. How did that happen? Well, or not happen. So then we

go to lunch at Babette's, which I believe they've gone to a few times. I feel like Babette's was the place where Alexis Bellino and Tamara had a come-to-Jesus moment. Pun intended. That's fitting, because wasn't Babette like a whore in the

Bible or something? I don't know. I feel like Babette is just a French lady who sells baguettes. I don't know who Babette is. Is Babette in the Bible? That's right, yes. I think so. I think there's just a French lady who sells baguettes. I don't know who Babette is. Is Babette in the Bible? That's right, yes. I think so. I think there's like a literal horror Babette.

Are you sure you're not thinking of Les Miserables? I could be. It's all the same thing. Well, speaking of miserables. How do you think the Bible got people to believe it? It's saying. So then something weird happened on the show. So Heather and Shannon are meeting

for lunch and they're about to get into a big old fashioned gossip sesh because they're like, what was the last time I saw you? I think it was the Aries party. So and then they cut to Vicky and her fam at a petting zoo. So whenever the producers do this, it means that we're going to hear two sides

of the same story, right? So it's like we hear them talking at the zoo and them talking here but instead we never there was no side at the zoo instead what happened was we have a lunch which we'll get into where heather shannon and eventually tamra start talking about they start talking about revestrol again uh and brooks and the cancer blah. And then they just keep cutting to Vicky, and Vicky's like, oh, I don't really like birds, but everything else I'm good with. Well, you know, I'm from the country. I'm a girl from a

place with animals, so, you know, animals, you know, I like them. They're there. There's animals. You know, I like the animals. Oh, what is that, a rabbit? No, mother. It's a deer. Oh, well, gosh. Well well look at the rhinoceros that's a goat and of course the best part can we talk to this or do we have to wait for it to come because it's all intercut but she's going around and around on one of those little miniature trains

which is hilarious anyway because that's another thing i picture husbands walking through the room like what the fuck are you watching honey honestly, this is how you're spending your night. You just walk past and it's Vicky on a tiny train going, woo-hoo! I guarantee if Casey Jones were alive and there, he would not have fixed that track. He'd be like, oh, let this shit crash. Let it crash.

Woo-hoo! Shots! And then Brianna is, you know, in a tiny train car, which was also a sight, in front of her. And Vicky says,

oh, this is hurting, you know, all this jerking around. It's like I'm getting a circle jerk. It takes a moment. They go halfway around the track and Brianna goes,

a circle jerk? The hell? Where'd you even learn that word? At Andalays, you know, they always say when you get on a little train at Andalays, you're going to get a circle jerk. So, you know. Hey, kids.

Hey, kids. I got a circle jerk over here. You know, it's like when it's tip time at Andalays and you just stand in the middle and all the busboys make a ring around you. By the way, I just gave Vicky a Boston accent. Just want you to know. I will never be able to do a Vicky voice. I't know why it seems like it'd be so easy i can't do vicky voice i don't do

a vicky voice either i do like a fargo voice yeah but i can't i could do fargo at any other time 23 hours out of the day i can do fargo voice podcast starts i'm like i'm getting a circle jerk. I'm trying to work on the Vicky voice, but it's really hard because sometimes it comes out like Dorinda. Because she has that nasal thing. So I'm trying to get that in there,

but it's really hard to do. Because it sounds like Dorinda, and I want Dorinda to be Dorinda. Dorinda, you're original. It's definitely like, we grew up together. We grew up together. We grew up together. Get your balls out of the shit and down your throat, mister. I did a circle jerk.

I did a circle jerk. So the thing is actually, even though the circle jerk line was the funniest thing, the thing that made me laugh the most at the petting zoo was when Vicky said that she doesn't like birds. And then they cut to a shot of this bird flying in the sky.

I'm like, oh! And it was like this ominous moment. Like, oh, the birds are coming for you, Vicky. They're coming for you now. Oh, look at those whales flying up there. Those are pretty. Thank God they're not birds because those are terrifying. That time when I got hit by a football at Lake Havasu, it was like a giant bird coming into my face.

I hated it. I hate bird foul. I voted anyway. I'm in a fantasy league. I did not have sex with multiple fantasy leagues. I didn't have anyone from the Ravens or the Cardinals on my team. Don't even get me started on the Seahawks. So now we can go back to the lunch.

The lunch where they're talking about the cancer. This lunch. Because it opened with Heather and Shannon. Who hate each other. Let's face it. But now they like each other. And Heather walks in and says, Oh, I love that top very edgy

i was like oh they hate each other still i love it yeah and it's like oh thank you there's a bow around the collar really you know you know i was i was worried i'd look like a whore but apparently it's edgy so that's good david you know david bought this for me i told him to go find something that i would like and and he went on to Google, and that was a whole other issue. But once I told him to go to Amazon instead, because that was a mistress-free website, he found the right thing for me.

When was the last time I saw you? Oh, the Aries party. So they kind of trade a couple little moments in here, which I liked, and Heather didn't give in to anything that Shannon did. Because shannon is always trying her well i'm you know i'm offended why didn't he call me well we'll get to that anyway well there were a couple little things traded that i loved but there were a couple moments where heather's leaning back and there's a fire behind her there's just this look in shannon's eyes keep waiting keep going keep

going heather i just thought it was more of a metaphor for Heather essentially being the devil. Although that's really Tamara. And so Tamara did join and they're just like a general pitter-patter like, oh my god, I have a joint account with Eddie. And then

actually, my favorite moment of editing was Tamara saying, well, I just saw Vicky and Brooks and it looks like Brooks' cancer has spread. And then they immediately cut to Vicky going, oh, look at the bunnies. I was like, such a strange juxtaposition. Oh, look at those bunnies. They spread like cancer. I mean, just real fast, you know, put a couple bunnies together, you got 20 the next day.

It's crazy. I mean, never never mind they were guinea pigs but anyway i just thought i just thought it was funny that tamra would say something very serious and they'd cut typically with the bunnies something i didn't mention earlier but we were talking about the music the show opened with this music that's kind of new it's like disco wacky it was like but it was really fun music and the talking under it was like they're lying about him having cancer i'll have cancer he does not have cancer david cheated on me but it's like this really upbeat yeah love it it was a it was a classic alan lazar masterpiece yes uh oh and vicky had one too when she was there was one point when she was getting off the train after she talked about you know circle jerking bus boys and on the lace she got

off the train and they were playing this like it's like, funky grandma, grandma funk. Yeah. It's the Vicky Circle jerk. I think that's also new in Alan Lazaro's repertoire. So then, so at this lunch, they're basically gossiping once again about the cancer, and they're

doing that thing where they're like, I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I mean, I just don't want to hear it. I'm so sick of it. I don't want to be put in the middle as they all talk about it and put themselves in the middle. So last week, Shannon was furious because Vicky chose Tamara, the dumbest of the women, to show the results to. And so Shannon's response was, why didn't she show it to me? I've had many CAT scans and PET scans. I get scanned every single day. I know how to do this.

I know how to read it. I actually got a disease from being scanned so much because it turns out scans leave little microbes in your body that can get together and have group meetings and have fun and party in your body. But it's not a party for Shannon. I'll tell you that much. party in your body, but it's not a party for Shannon, I'll tell you that much. Sometimes I just go to the SPCA with a scanner, and I just scan animals there, because I'm so good at

PET scans, and I know them so well. So then, so then, so based on, so what made me laugh was that Ben, I can see you furiously searching through your notes.

So then, so what? So I, what? What? I was, the thing is, I wasn't even looking through my notes. I am looking directly at my note. I was just trying to remember why was I talking about this? I'm like, so what was funny to me is that because Shanahan made such a fuss last week about why didn't you come to me then uh then heather did the same thing heather's like why didn't he come why

didn't you come to me why didn't you show terry why'd you show me the question i just love how they all feel so entitled they all feel so entitled or just that camera is so stupid because everybody's first question is, why would they ask you? Yeah, then Shanna was like, Tamara's like, it was just a lot of words and everything. And then Shanna goes, well, did you say, I can't read this. Did you say that? When you're in a situation where you don't know words, it's your responsibility to say, I don't know how to read words. Because if you don't, no one can help you.

Do you understand? Claw hands. Claw hands. Stranger danger. Don't light fires in forests. I caught a fly in my finger. Wow, look at that. Okay, I'm going to go wash my hands. Don't talk while I'm gone.

And Shannon, stay in your own seat. There's going to be a PS hands. Don't talk while I'm gone, and Shannon, stay in your own seat. There's going to be, like, a PSA that'll be something like, if someone gives you a PET scan, and your name is Tamara Barney, and you don't know how to read it, please reach out to someone who can help you. It could change someone's life. Dun, dun, dun.

It's like a new Google Translate feature. Tamara Translate. Yeah, Tamara Translate. Batch, batch, batch, bitch, batch, batch, sexy, hot, bitch, Eddie, bitch. Actually, that was just the way to get to the mall, batch. Wow, thank you, Google Translate. You know that basically that CT scan was just the tag on the back of a mattress that they blew up and put on a piece of paper. That's all that it was. And she's like, do not, under violation of law, remove this tag.

Wow, that's a real CT scan. They tricked me into violating the law, bitch. Because this is removed and out of my possession. The FBI are coming for me. It turns out that Brooks is like 95% memory foam.

Who knew? If you put a shout out Brooks' head, it'll like pop back up in like five seconds, like a slow motion batch. I did some research. It turns out you have to flip Brooks over once every six months. Who knew?

So I'm looking here, Heather. We all feel icky. We all feel icky we all feel icky um tamra said oh and then oh yeah so they fight over well they didn't fight over it but well then heather said why didn't you ask me because i mean if anyone you should ask terry because he's a scientist and a doctor and then shannon says well i'm offended i'm very quite frankly i'm offended and i don't know if she was offended at heather but heather just glossed right over it and even in her diary room thing where you know the producers were like and then shannon was offended she was like listen here's what i'm saying and just glossed over the whole thing claw hands crab hands well

the funny thing is that at lunch, Heather's like, well, why didn't you, look, why didn't you show Terry? Terry's a doctor. And then at the interview, she then decides to upgrade herself. And she's like, I mean, I've seen a lot of medical documents in my time. Why not me? I play not a doctor on TV.

One time I saw Reva McIntyre's lunch order, and it was like looking at a medical document From the future A heart, corduroy, artery, stipulation article You know, all I'm saying is that I was on Malibu Country And the word country has the letters C and T in it So, I mean, I'm qualified

All I'm saying is that half that cast could have died From a heart attack at any moment And I would have I'm qualified. All I'm saying is that half that cast could have died from a heart attack at any moment, and I would have had to call Terry. So, I'm totally qualified. I'm like a doctor. I'm close to one. I know one. Listen, let's be honest. I'm the only one here who knows how to read, okay? That's why I'm qualified. I didn't

want to say it, but Tamara, I mean, she's still on that book about the rabbit, you know, where you touch it. And she's got a point. Because, of course, you would ask Heather, because Shannon's intelligent too, but Shannon wouldn't read it the way it is. She would read it with her own shit into it. Like, oh, well, look here. It says that he has an inflamed aortal capilla.

Terry, I'm never going to get a word right, by the way. And he has a follicular mondutomy. Oh, you know what he needs? He needs a trip to Asia and a fist up his butt from a small child in a Rwandan village flown in specially who's only eaten pigeon poop for the last five months. You know what? Like, you know what this CT document needs? It needs someone who has Hillary Clinton reading glasses, all right? And you put them on and you read it and then you get the real results, all right?

You don't give it to Tamara Barney. She doesn't have Hillary Clinton glasses. If you're going to ask anybody, you should ask me because I've had CTs done at Malibu Imaging. Dun, dun, dun. And that was another thing that was dropped that people just kind of glossed over.

So was this before 2008 because they stopped doing them for this specific cancer in 2008? Or do they still do them? But for every kind of cancer, only specific kinds? So many questions. It's a new mystery. Unfortunately, the resident Newport Imaging ombudsman known as Megan King Edmonds was not there to correct them on their facts.

So we just had to go with it. I had to take it at face value because there was no knowledge to be had. I was like in an empty well. A well starved of knowledge. Sorry, I couldn't make it to lunch. I fell asleep with my facial on. I woke up with a bunch of ants on my face. So then the funny thing is that during this lunch, they're talking about cancer, cancer, cancer.

And then out of nowhere, Shannon decides to turn it to her. And she's like, well, you know, I feel I never would have thought this a year ago since I thought that Heather was the worst person in the world and Tamara was an evil bitch. But I feel bonded with you because we have a common enemy in Vicky. And since that since the enemy of my enemy is now my friend, I guess that means we're bonded. And I want everyone to know that, you know, David had an affair. Yes. They're like, uh-huh. What the hell? Where did that come from?

And they're like, uh-huh, and? So, this is my news. David, my husband, had an affair. Like, uh-huh, yeah, and? So, what else is new? What I'm saying is, I haven't told you this, and therefore you should be surprised about the fact that, damn it, my husband had an affair. Duh! Why did anybody not just say, duh, and then Heather?

Well, I knew. And let me tell you something, Claw Claw. I, you know I'm a good friend, because even when Shannon was horrible to me in my own living room while my children were upstairs, I did not tell anybody. And that's girl code. Okay? That is girl code. That's why I can read the CT scan because I have a doctorate in girl code and I am a doctor now. I'm a girl code doctor.

Girl code headband. I'm sorry I fell asleep, but I did make a new girl code headband for Heather. I did think it was a very strange time and moment. Maybe there was something edited out of the conversation, but I thought it was strange that Shannon would do that. I think in a way it was Shannon building alliances knowing that she's about to go into war with Vicky

and I think it was also a way for her to throw David under the bus some more. I love Shannon but I think she's gone down a bad path. Yeah, and also wait, what was I going to say about this stupid thing? Also a way to just

make a storyline at the very end is if everybody doesn't know and how have you not talked about this with everybody why are you still talking about it and how are you not doing this in an interview setting right now which is like yeah i've invited you guys to talk to dr tina and dr tina has some questions well how did you guys feel when you heard the news about Shannon and David's affair? He betrayed her. Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.

That's a good friend right there. That's Girl Code. That's what Girl Code is, right? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I just loved how they just were not even shocked. Tamara tried a little bit. She sort of flared her eyes. That was like her one attempt to look surprised because she knows how to do fake surprise.

That's pretty much most of her storyline is looking fake surprised because she already knows something. But they didn't even try. I mean, to be fair, there are pictures of David on half the businesses in Orange County. You know, like when someone bounces a check, they put a check up on the register being like, don't trust money from this person. You know, there are pictures of David being like, do not sell anything

to this man because he's taking his mistress to this business. Thank you. You know he's like up there with all the wantons. Please bring this dollar. It's going to be the first dollar you lose if you serve David when he's in here with a woman that's not Shannon Fedora. From Wondery,

this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less, and a little bit more. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for Black rights,

she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship

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Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So then we go to a restaurant where Tamara and Bri brianna are meeting brianna's like oh my god a menu i haven't seen one of these in 15 months usually it's just a plate with five squares in it that's got a bunch of stuff on it you gotta eat it no matter what the last one at restaurant i went to was a sizzler um wait what was this place called oh this place was called bloody mary's lol that's the funniest name well they got bloody mary's so it's like a it's like a gay man who's been stabbed i love it bloody mary's because it's spelled m-a-r-y apostrophe s i love that name i

just think it's so launch county that's been my my review. I know. It's like, we're going to be sassy. Bloody Marys. So Brianna's happy. She's like, I love meeting with Tamara. She's like, no bullshit. Also, we're doing it at a place when my mom has a vodka called Bloody Vickies. What is it called? Bloody Piggy. Bloody Piggy Bacon

Vodka. So it feels good to be at a real Bloody Mary place. I just like Tamara because, you know what, I've considered the source, and I approve. Thanks, betch. All I do when I'm in that bomb shelter is consider sources. That's literally all I do

anymore. And count the holes in the grate. Just consider sources. So right back to oh yeah poor brianna you gotta feel for her your camera's like why don't you just stay here it's like sunshine and food and stores and cutouts she's like nope gotta go back i i go to work the night that i get home i step off the plane and they put me in an ambulance and i'm right back to work and I'm not off for 18 months because I took two days off.

If I don't go home, who's going to make sure all the tuna cans are facing the same direction? Do you know how upset Ryan would be with the general unevenness of these mozzarella sticks fries? I mean, these are just not even fries. He'd be furious that I didn't line them all up

in a row. I can't believe there's a stack of them, like a teepee that fell apart. Would you mind eating this one? I got too much sauce on it. He's going to see this on TV. If Ryan knew I was actually sitting in a chair, he'd be furious. We're only allowed to stand at tables. He doesn't want to get chairs dirty. Tamara's like, since we only have so much time, batch,

I just want to say, you're like a, well, not like a daughter, because like, I don't know, like you're not littering children all over the world, and I don't like owe you a lot of money, but like, you're like a niece. You're like a daughter that I have custody of. You're like a

mailman's daughter. Like, I know he has one, and if I ever saw her, I'd be like, hey, bitch! But, like, I'm not sending you money on your birthday. You know what I mean? And Brianna's like, yeah, we're so close. And Tamara, since we only have so much time, let's talk about fake cancer.

Now, this is where the shit got good, finally. After the whole season, all we needed was to call Brianna. Yeah. We got the closest thing to an actual whole season, all we needed was to call Brianna. Yeah. We got the closest thing to an actual medical opinion. Well, it was a medical opinion, but it was not, like, you know, a doctor's opinion. And I'm not, sorry, nurses, I'm not trying to discredit it,

but, you know, like, you're not supposed to. Oh, that's not offensive. Come on, nah. But, you know, it's like a doctor's. You need, like, a stamp of something. The doctors are the only ones who are allowed to diagnose. But that being said. Well said she said multiple times this is my opinion as an emergency nurse who sees this shit all the time so this was interesting stuff that she brought up that he said he told her years ago i guess when they met that he had pancreatic cancer and that he

had even tamra even tamra knows that when you get pancreatic cancer. And that he had recovered. Even Tamara knows that when you get pancreatic cancer, that's like one of the worst ones. And that the survival rate for pancreatic cancer is so... Well, I don't know that she knows that. But she does know. Did you die from that? That one kills you, right? You die from that.

It's like Patrick Sueze. It's like he killed Patrick Sueze. Yeah, Patrick Sueze is a dead bitch because of that. Yeah. But even better than Brooks saying he had pancreatic cancer is that when he was pressed, who was pressing him? Was it Tamara or was it Brianna? Brianna because she said, she knows, she said, like, how are you still living? What could you possibly have done?

Why are you at cocktail parties? Yes. What could you have done that you're walking around healthy? How did you beat it? Because no one else does like ever. And he didn't answer and didn't answer. So she just kept pestering him. And you know she did too.

Yeah. You know she was like, oh, really? What was your doctor's name? What was the cancer like? What was the treatment like? What did it feel like? What are your pancreas? She's like, listen, Brooks.

Either I pester you or I go back to Oklahoma where I can i can't touch any of my furniture so guess what i'm pestering you right now exactly you're the bull on a string right deal with it but she's right and you know she did pester him and you know he's full of shit because i believe brianna when she says oh yeah i 100 that he finally caved and said well it was pancreatitis, which is an inflammation of your pancreas due to alcohol abuse. Big motherfucking difference. Big. So that's huge

and I can't believe it's, well, of course I can't believe it's taking this long to come out, but that's awesome. That of course it's a lie. Of course those papers are bullshit. Whatever. What are you going to say? say but so good brianna's here i'm like you order the girl chicken wings and she'll solve any mystery you want she's like just get me out of oklahoma it's not a beautiful morning it's not a beautiful day

so tamra got exactly what she wanted because brianna is the only one we've actually seen with any kind of medical knowledge. We saw that doctor who once I looked at the scene again and I was only doing it for an editing purpose. Okay, everybody get off my ass. I'm not that crazy. But I watched that doctor scene again. And the doctor said, now these results, if they are not forged, this is pretty bad. So he didn't even say, say wow these look like totally real and legit let's talk about it and he also is a doctor that was found by lenka the new age enema

earthing stupid bullshit lady so i mean everything was sketchy about that the only one who really should be giving a medical opinion is terry and terry wants to stay out of it obviously he doesn't want to mire his you know he because he's an actual doctor and he probably doesn't want to get into a he said she said whatever uh where then now all of a sudden his medical expertise is challenged so he's just staying out of it yeah but he did have some you know he he wants to keep his hands clean and he got some free advertising from all the Reservatrol talk. Yeah. So he's got some free ads there.

He's like, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for this storyline, because we just sold 18 billion bottles of your dick will stay on you if you wear this. What's that? What does it do? of your dick will stay on you if you wear this. What's that? What does it do? They said it fixes... This cream is for you

if you're young or if you're old or if you're dark or if you're light or if you have dry skin or if you have really oily skin. Just pick everybody. Yeah. So, speaking of stuff for your skin, then Shannon brought her daughters to get

like a makeover, learn about makeup. And I like – she acted as if she was taking them to a gun range. You know, like when you do this, be very careful. She goes – by the way, do you hear all these vehicles outside? I think MJ is getting a delivery of sliders. MJ has got crispy crust and dominoes running into each other. MJ's got crispy crust and dominoes running into each other. So anyway, so I love that Shannon is,

she is treating this as if it is a super dangerous situation. She's like, to be clear, girls, the reason why we're here is because this is organic makeup. Okay? You're not allowed to use inorganic makeup. Please be careful when you use your makeup, girls. Safety is first, girls. Now, don't share this or you could get hepatitis B. Yeah.

Remember, all right, you want a wide stance before you put on the makeup and put on these safety goggles. I know you can't, I know you're trying to put makeup on your eyes, but you just have to put the mascara on the goggles. I'm sorry. You have to be safe. Safety first. Organic. Now wear this, now wear this neon colored vest. I don't want you accidentally hitting your sister with your organic mascara.

David? David? Did your mistress use organic mascara? I don't think so. I think that's why your eyelids were always breaking out, David. Further proof that whores don't use organic. And that's why I allow my daughters to use it. I won't have my daughters looking like whores and their inorganic makeup.

David? David? won't have my daughters looking like whores and their inorganic makeup david david girls when your plastic eyelashes fall off at least the outer coating of them will be biodegradable and that's what i say is a good citizen let let the blush that you are putting on your cheeks remind you of how red-faced your mother was when she learned that her husband was cheating on her oh god we're leaving this story. Negative thoughts. Negative thoughts. Now, here's something else.

Be sure that you only use makeup that's suitable for a synchronized swimmer. So that way, when you cry tears of betrayal, your makeup won't run. And if it does and it gets in your lips, it won't poison you. You won't die because it's organic. The only thing that will poison you

will be the infidelity of your husband. And that's just in your heart, so it takes years to die. Don's organic. The only thing that will poison you will be the infidelity of your husband. And that's just in your heart so it takes years to die. Don't worry, girls. It's sort of like asbestos. It just gets into your system and then one of these days you just keel over. Girls, I've always wanted to tell you this. Everything's not going to be okay.

And that's okay. Sometimes I struggle. Should I let my girls play with lead-based products or just let them marry a man? What's more toxic? Do you happen to know if there's a vat of acid nearby, I can just throw my daughters in

to spare them the pain of what it's like to be Shannon? Okay, that would be great. Just point the directions. Here's the thing, girls. I know you want to put on makeup, but really the only reason why you put on makeup is to look prettier. And then when you look prettier,

you find yourself a man and then that man cheats on you. So here's what I've done for you instead. I got this old-fashioned thermometer. I'm going to snap it in half and you can play with all the mercury inside it instead. The reason Megan's child doesn't respect her is because she doesn't have mercury

in the facial she's giving her. Respect is spread through pain. Children! Children! We're very happy, children. We're very happy. Hey girls, I found a moldy cantaloupe. Why don't you eat this instead? It's just as painful. This is string cheese I found in a belly button.

Hey girls, I found a piece of plastic out from my ass. You can play with this. Just as rewarding as having a husband who cheats on you. so then we cut to vicky and tamra tamra's in the dress store wait whoa whoa whoa you went way too far ahead because the makeup aside for the fact that shannon was making them all wear organic makeup then she oh yes i skipped this part sorry so she starts going so she starts starts, like, being paranoid about her daughter turning into sluts or something. She's like, unfortunately, there are girls her age

wearing makeup. They should be out at the store playing with their dolls. But then she gives this crazy story. She goes, when I was 15 living in Rancho Santa Fe, California, I would take my horse up to town to the pharmacy and charge makeup to the Storm's family charge account. Did it on my own.

Me and my horse. David, where's your horse? I like how she said it was just me and my horse. David, did you let your mistress ride my horse, David? And my horse. That's what it was back then.

You know, now you're scared of your child getting pregnant. So there you go. I'm riding a horse. That's what it was back then. You know, now you're scared of your child getting pregnant. So there you go. I'm riding a horse. They're possibly riding a teenager and getting pregnant. This is not a good world, Negative Thoughts. Get that makeup off your face, you little slut. I liked having a horse.

It made me believe in things like stables. But if there's anything that I've learned from David, there's no such thing as stability. The only horse I ever had that tried to kick me off was not organic. It was born on a farm that used pesticides, and I always blame its scratchiness on those darn pesticides. I really identify with my horse, because when David cheated on me, I really felt like I was a gift horse that was punched in the mouth.

It's a new saying. We've actually amended the saying. I don't even know what the original saying is. I just know that it has something to do with a gift horse and doing something to its mouth. And David, I don't want to know what you did to your gift horse, but I know I felt slapped and punched and

generally abused. I don't know what you did to your gift horse, but I sure wish I could look it in the mouth so I know what you brought home for me on my 50th birthday. Thanks for that, by the way. Mention that. Okay, we've got to get away from this woman before she makes me a shuddering, fetal-positioned, sobbing mess. Yeah.

Okay, so now Vicky and Tamara are going to have to go. To the Shannon, darling. Me and my horse. Okay, so next we skip to Shannon, right? Wait, just one little last thing. Did I skip too far again? No, no, no. You did.

But one last thing. It's not me trying to do an impersonation. But I did think it was funny how... Because she has one daughter who... One of the twins is like a tomboy. She always wears a varsity jacket. And I liked how Shannon put makeup on and was like, There. Now you look less like a tomboy. She always wears a varsity jacket. I liked how Shannon put makeup on and was like, there. Now you look less like a tomboy.

Now you're interested in boys. I'm like, oh, there's going to be a whole bunch of angry people being like, you are forcing her gender identity. Well, that's going to come up soon on The Real Housewives. You know it will. Oh, yeah. Maybe it'll be Ryan. Oh, please let it be someone cute.

Please let it be Hayley. You know, like someone cute. Yeah. Oh, Lord. Please let it be someone cute. Please let it be Hayley, you know? Like, someone cute. Yeah. Okay, so now Tamara is at Marissa the Fashion Designer. And I was like, where's Hella? Why has Hella been betrayed by this show? Hello, I'm Hella. Hella.

So they go, and Tamara's like, I'm getting baptized. Get me a whore baptism dress. Something that makes my boobs look big. I just got them done. I want to look like a sexy ghost. I don't care. Oh, yeah. And then Vicky comes in and wonders why everybody's against her.

She's like, oh, I already have that dress. Looks better on me. Okay. I already have it. Oh, have that one, too. Have that one, too. Vicky is in a white dress phase. Yeah. She's like, I have that dress. Looks better on me. Okay. I already have it. Oh, have that one too. Have that one too. Vicky is in a white dress phase. Yeah.

She's like, I have that dress. It's the greatest dress in the whole world. It looks like crap on her, but it's the greatest dress in the whole world on me. All it needs is a cutout, you know, and that can be done at home. I've got a machine. I want to put a rhombus on the butt. So I've worn that dress already. Blah, blah, blah.

So they're having fun. It's like baptism. Oh, my God. You know, like I'm proud of myself, blah, blah, blah. So they're having fun. It's like, baptism! Oh, my God. You know, like, I'm proud of myself for coming to Jesus, bitch. Brooks is getting his test. Oh, and then Vicky. Oh, you know, it's crazy. It's like, you're training on dresses.

Brooks is getting his test for his bone marrow. You know, it's all the same thing. What? What kind of conversation are we entering to? I know. And then, of course course tamra the first thing tamra does is she rats out all the other girls she's like well i read that thing you put me in a bad position because i read that thing and then the other girls were like why what and now i've

got all these questions and you know the girls just still don't believe you it's like no tamra you don't separate yourself from that you also gave me all these papers and i don't even know how to read them like i don't understand them how to read them. Like, I don't understand them, Batch. And Vicky's like, well, I don't understand them either because we're not doctors. So Vicky's making it very clear that, yes, she doesn't understand either. They're all being taken in by

this brilliant mastermind, Brooks. Yeah, she's like, I hate this. She's like, all the doubt. She's like, they can doubt all they want. It's sick. It's satanic. This is this is infringing on my enclave. Okay. It's what Satan does. You know, Satan goes around and he causes people to question other people's boyfriends.

That's what he does. I mean, he's done it his whole life. You know, with Adam and Eve, he was, he convinced someone's girlfriend to eat an apple. I mean, that's what he does. He soars doubt in boyfriends and girlfriends. That wasn't the same thing! So then, now is finally the day of the

betch-tism. And the exciting news is that an hour or two hours before the baptism, Shannon has decided to give herself a home colonic. Because why not? Why not clear out your system? I think you actually probably should. You're going to be taking on a lot of things

going to a Tamara Barney baptism. So get all the old stuff out. I better get everything out because there's sure going to be a lot of... Sorry, I forgot who I was for a second. There's sure going to be a lot of those dumplings from Trader Joe's there. Those are good. And a lot of sodium.

Those will be stuck in me for five months. Five months, at least. Spanakopita's going to be, you know, they'll be passing a lot of spanakopita. You know how I deal with Greek food. I mean, if you remember the last time I had moussaka, I mean, I was shitting for days. Eggs in a blanket. Oh, jeez.

Have you ever seen me, R? It's like that, but without George Clooney there looking at you dreamily. It's just horrible. It's a horrible thing. Get it out of me. Get a colonic. Dr. Moon. And Dr. Moon's invented his own kind of colonic.

David. David, you know they're going to be passing around chicken skewers, and I guarantee those will not be organic chickens. David. This is like a regular colonic, but you have to look at the clouds angrily. My ticket. So she's giving herself a colonic. Yes. This is great. We go from Satan

to colonics. Yeah, she calls up Tamara to say she's giving herself a colonic. And then we cut to Shannon with this panicked look on her face, which admittedly is what her face always looks like, but it's even more panicked than usual. And she's muttering like a crazy woman in the bathroom. She's going,

this is an enema. This is an enema. And see if it comes out, because that's what you do. You take an enema, and it comes out. And Dave is just looking at her like, yes, dear. And we're wondering, what is going on with Shannon? Is this the way

her colonics always go? She was very rain manny in this scene she was walking around in circles muttering to herself going oh anima there's something up there oh god there's something up there i feel it i feel it i've got to get it out oh colonic i gotta put a colonic in oh i've never else it's gonna hurt why it's so hard to be shannon beat door oh god i'm gonna do it i'm gonna terry answering his phone david dr moon david look at the instructions on colonics yes dear oh god here i go oh jeez oh god and i'm a colonic oh dr it's broken in there it's broken up i feel i feel it get it out get it out i mean it went on and on

yeah what the hell has been attacked by dr moon's alien colonic it's just like crawled up her ass and now it's growing into like a giant hamburger with gluten or something she's allergic to, you know? Yeah, she became pretty convinced that a piece of plastic got dislodged in her rectum. And she forced David to stick his fingers up there and pluck it out. And she wonders why. And you know what? They took the Black Love crown away from Bobby and Whitney. What was that show called? Bobby.

Being Bobby Brown. He took care of just a dingleberry. But in this case, David went all the way up there. And she wonders why he cheats. She wonders. David, do you want to stick your fingers up my asshole? Okay. Maybe, you know, that'll help. Because she said, David proved

his love. He went into uncharted territory to get that little piece of psychological debris that was stuck up my butt. And he was up there. His whole head was up there. I actually suggested a new gel, but otherwise I have no notes. I mean, great job, David. Positive thoughts. Only positive thoughts. And he was so considerate.

He used organic lubrication. Yeah, that could have helped their relationship. Maybe that territory will be further charted. Yeah, that was definitely a very interesting and hilarious scene. And by the way, it turns out she had nothing in there. The piece had fallen out in the toilet. Yeah, there was nothing up there. had fallen out in the toilet. Yeah, there was nothing up there.

She, you know, just wanted to do a fucking self-sodomizing colonic scene on national television. Like, David needs a break. It's been a rough season. Alright, well, let's talk about something up my butt. Alright, come on in, camera crew. Here lies Shannon Bedore's

colon. Here lies the piece of plastic that invaded Shannon Bedore's colon. It's invisible, and that's kind of the point in the end of the day. Thank you, M. Night Shyamalan for that beautiful ending to a beautiful,

riveting, and sometimes scary story. Let's just admit it. Dear, I found a very small tombstone up your ass. Oh, I just ate a small tombstone up your ass. Oh, I just ate a chunk of that one. It did look delicious. I said, what has less calories, the hamburgers or the foam thing that my cemetery scribe is bringing on?

Sorry, eat that. My tombstone. I thought about, should I have a tombstone pizza or should I just eat part of a tombstone? I thought, let's just eat the tombstone. When she said, David, go on the internet and look up enema instructions. I can't believe he didn't freak out. Is this a trap, dear? He's like, I want to watch the Clippers, dear.

What were you looking at anal things on the internet for, David? It was really a very bizarre interlude in this entire show. It was very, very bizarre. But it worked out all right. Ghost butt baby. The Shannon Bedore story. Yeah. Poor Megan, though.

Haley stood her up. Haley decided she did not want to go to the baptism of a middle-aged bitch. So she is not going to the big baptism at the at the end of season so megan was like sad she called up jim as we already described she's like haley's not coming to the baptism anymore oh anti-justice anti-knowledge and he's like yeah babe uh she's a bitch so you look pretty yeah thanks oh my god my eyelash is coming off you're disgusting all right i'm hanging up fucking ugly bitch click okay well good to see you anyway i bought a new clock megan gets dissed by jim

should i play some of the music? So, Jim, do you still love me? Not really. Okay. Here it is. So, I was thinking about going with the baptism and Haley doesn't want to come. Haley's a dumb bitch, too. Yeah, but I was thinking maybe you could fly in from st louis fuck no why the hell would i do

that you're an idiot hey you know what you should do maybe like get a job or something get out of the house because you're making everybody crazy well click i kind of feel like hello hello what jim doesn't seem to realize is that trying to be friends with Haley is a full-time job. I wish she would get that. Could I have a hundred dollars? Yeah. Hey, here's 150 and you can like hang out with me. We can like do things like make teriyaki chicken. Thanks, mom. Bye. Call me if you need anything. And by the way, uh, I was thinking that maybe tomorrow we could go to the mall. Hayley? The teriyaki game, you was it! Stupid bitch.

I really feel like I'm making a lot of progress with Hayley. It's pretty amazing. Hashtag friend mom! Friend mom headband! Justice. Justice. So let's just get to the baptism party, shall we? Well, the episode pretty much ended with everyone in their lim just get to the baptism party shall we well the episode pretty much episode pretty much ended with everyone in their limos heading to the baptism party and uh

vicky and shannon are both based on the way to a baptism uh orange county shannon's nervous that vicky is going to be uh angry at her and vicky is just hoping that no one asks her about Brooks' cancer. She's like, how can there be any conflict at a Jesus party? There not be. Like, you remember how the last one ended, don't you? Come on now. Has anybody here read the Bible? Like, oh wow, a party

with some wine, you know, it'll get all of us together in the same place. Oh, this can't end badly. I mean, look how it ended for Jesus. I mean, look how it worked out in New Jersey. I mean, hey, that was a bris and a christening. And that worked out really well.

Everyone was on their best behavior for that. So, yeah, there could never be a conflict at a Jesus party. Oh, yeah. The church inflames it. It's like when Satan walks into the church and his skin burns. It's like everyone in there has just got a slight itch and an urge to yell at somebody they don't know why i cannot wait for this uh vicky's last scenes in the limo are really because billy's here now yeah so we skipped over all this but you know vicky's hanging with oh bill, you know, Vicky's hanging with, oh, Billy, you know, sometimes I just want to look over and say, Mom, and then I remember, Mom!

And Billy's like, oh, yeah, I sure know, oh, sure, sure, sure, Vicks, sure I know, Vicks, yeah, whatever you say, Vicks. Well, you know, this is satanic. Oh, they're talking about Brooks Lyre. Isn't that what happened in the Bible? Oh, that sure is, Vicks. I remember reading the Bible, Vicks.

That's what happened in the Bible. Remember when all those people called Brooks a liar in the Bible? Oh, that sure is, Vix. I remember reading the Bible, Vix. That's what happened in the Bible. Remember when all those people called Brooks a liar in the Bible? Oh, that's what happened. They're sickness! They're sickness! Oh, yeah. Who would do that? I'd be so upset if I said I had cancer and no one believed me. That would be terrible. Oh, that's true, Billy. I'm so glad to have you here. I miss Mom. Me too.

She's in the wild. Well, we know this is going to be a good season finale because the whole episode is going to be the baptism. So whenever there is a show where the entire thing is the party, that means it's going to be shit everywhere. So I am looking forward to this. And it's a finale party.

So you know Tamara is so psyched because she gets to have a finale party because they're usually at the richer people's house's house or she also always vicky or heathers she also almost always goes berserk during finale party finale parties yes she she demanded a divorce from simon during one one finale she threw wine at gina during another i mean she screamed at brooks at another. She, this is like her time to shine. This is her moment. Finale parties are when her bitch flower fully blooms. It's like a corpse flower. You know, everybody, they were sure to get cuts of everybody saying, Tamara has really changed.

You know, I'm really proud of Tamara because she's changed. Like she used to be mean. She had a rough season. But what I'm trying to tell you is that Tamara has changed like she used to be mean she had a rough season but what i'm trying to tell you is that tamra has changed everybody's trying so hard to get that in because you know like the the finale it's either gonna end like this or they're gonna save it for the next finale next year but the only reason she's going through all of this is so she can have an even bigger finale party when she goes back to satan because you know that's like a fun party. This one's like a community pool. And a guy with a bad gel job. You know waiting to dunk you.

But that one is like. Tamara's going back to Satan. That's going to be like a parade. That's going to be the most amazing fight of all time. Yeah she'll probably have some religious impasses next season. Where she'll be conflicted about. The word of the Bible. And wanting to follow. Oh no she won't. She's never conflicted about the word of the Bible and wanting to follow. Oh no, she won't.

She's never conflicted about anything. Who am I talking about? I'm giving her way too much credit. During the whole way, during her getting her makeup done for the baptism, she was sitting in the makeup chair talking to Shannon. She's like, Shannon had butt sex, bitch!

Shannon, how was it getting it up the butt? Shannon, Shannon. It's gonna be hard for Shannon to sit through my baptism because she's just got butt sex. She's so dumbass. You're forgiven. Am I right, bitch? And then Ryan's girlfriend is sitting there like, this is a baptism for crying out loud, y'all. I know. I know.

Have some respect. So speaking of nothing in particular, let's move on to... Speaking of having respect for others, let's move on to Married to Medicine. Married to Medicine. So I didn't take notes for the first 10 minutes because I was eating food.

But the notes that I did write were that there was discussion about shade. About Mariah saying shady things. And she's like, ooh, it was light shade. It was light shade. And then Quad was like, hmm, early morning shade. Morning dew shade.

It was grassy shade. There was some twigs in that shade. There was a little dew. There was a little spider in that shade. There was dews. There was deers drinking dew off the shade. Because it was early morning shade, pre-alarm clock shade. And then, boom, the alarm clock went off and the shade was up, honey. Honey, don't go walking outside with your bare foot because you might step into some dewy shade.

It'll be a little wet. You'll need a towel for that dewy shade. Everybody confronts Mariah about her tweeting so my favorite uh overall arc of this has been that the first half mariah was sitting backstage going oh they need me they suck oh they're all idiots oh look oh look at her her uh what do they call it the edges look at her edges oh she looks fat oh she's terrible and then when she comes out it's like dun dun dun dun dun oh now the real show's gonna start honey dun dun pop my face dun dun dun dun angry mariah two old queens carrying her train dun dun dun dun and immediately she's shot down by everybody and spends the rest of the episode like

well i love everybody yeah she's like, okay, okay. Puss-air! You were puss-air! She tried to do the, she tried to play a victim card. It just did not work. She was shot down. No one can do the victim card as long as Quad is on stage. And Quad was like, I feel like I am the sacrificial lamb.

For what? How are you the sacrificial lamb? What did you do? How in the world? I don't even know why she was saying that. And it was always to a question like, you've ruined people's lives this season, Quad. How do you feel?

She's like, I was the sacrificial lamb. I was a lamb that was on sale for $7.99, but it became a day hold and it was sacrificed. I've been eaten by friggin' honey. What are you even talking about? I was ground. I was sliced up and turned into sacrificial lamb shawarma. People even hate me while I tried to give a speech in a rented living room.

How could you? He's like, oh, the question was, how does it feel ruining people's lives? And she's like, it's nothing compared to ruining a good lamb sandwich, Andy. I like to think of myself as a hero amongst all

of us, as in, I am one of those lamb sandwiches wrapped up in a pita from Greece. I'm a wreck of lamb, Andy. I've got a little mint on me. Chew some gum after me and you won't even remember. I don't think you're ready for this mint jelly on my sacrificial lamb. Oh, quad.

I invented cucumber and yogurt dip. No, here we go. Oh, God. I invented cucumber and yogurt dip. Oh, no. Here we go. So Mariah's confronted about tweeting, and Mariah's like, well, I'm supportive of my social following. I retweet. I just retweet anything they say. If they say you're great, I retweet it. If they say you're a stupid bitch, you deserve that your husband's cheating on you, and I hope he gave you some horrible, deadly disease.

I retweet that, too. It's called support. I liked how Mariah, so she was mad that no one reached out to her when she had the miscarriage. Like, no one, no one did. And then Simone starts yelling. She's like, listen, when people go through things, sometimes they don't want to be talked to okay sometimes you wait for them to reach out to you instead and they're like why are you yelling she's like i can't help but yell i can't help it i can't stop yelling i'm not mad i'm just yelling this is how

i communicate like so you're not mad no i'm yelling. I'm actually in a great mood right now. I don't know what got them on the theme of I'm sorry, but everything doesn't have to end with I'm sorry. Because that's like the new thing this year. I guess that's the kinder and gentler. Let's beat the shit out of each other with pants. Let's beat each other, ruin each other's reputations all season long.

But when we say sorry at the end, it's okay. When did that come in? I don't like that. Because then it's all these false sorries. The whole thing was, Quad, are you sorry? Well, I'll tell you this. The sun comes up in the east and stars shine at night, Dandy. And lambs die.

Lambs die. It's like, but, uh, are you sorry? And finally after 20 minutes, she's like, Lisa Nicole, I would very much like to conversalize that the sorry has grown

like a tree within me and a budding apple has come out of my wrist and it tastes like sorry. Please take a bite. Okay, thank you. Please enjoy this apple pie made with apology apples for the things that have transpired there within unto this point.

Therefore, heretofore, medical stethoscope, me transpire you apple pie. Truth. Back well as long as you're sorry. And then they move on to Mariah who's still mad at everybody the hospital whatever they show all mariah's histrionics and andy was very very funny

in this whole in this whole reunion he was very funny he told mariah so what was going on at that dinner cut to the dinner this isn't family and then uh aiden getting his finger this isn't family this isn't family and they're going crazy and then it cuts back and mariah's just got her like thoughtful popeye face on where she's like nodding calmly popeye thinking about it sucking on a piece of hay or what have you yeah and uh she's like well that's just not how families act that's just my opinion but i love everybody here i just yeah everybody here is wonderful i'd love to have more dinners and andy goes uh well that was a little much yeah don't you think i mean that was you had like a serious florence ballard moment there yeah uh i uh what i don't understand is they mentioned that Aiden sent some really nasty

texts to Cecil and that never was explored and they never seemed to confront Aiden about that. No, no. It was just like Popeye nod. Once you start confronting with Mariah with reality, she can't take it. She needs to be the person who's always behind the door. Like, uh, kind of like me, you know, kind of like we were talking about in the bonus episode if you're the one who's talking about it it's very easy to be brazen and say whatever the hell you want but when you're actually confronted by the people and the reality of it not so easy

she's like yeah well i'll just sit back yeah and she would try every now and then to make a remark you know at one point they were saying something about texts and how... Oh, this was about Aiden's thing, about how Aiden sent these texts to Cecil, and they were like, it was so nasty, and like, my husband would never do that to my husband, your husband, da-da-da-da-da-da.

And then Mariah's like, well, a text is better than saying something nasty on TV. It's like, shut up, Mariah. What did you just say? What did you just do for the past hour of this? Exactly. You've said so many nasty things. But then what I like, though, one thing that made me laugh was when Simone was trying to be very heartfelt.

I actually always think Simone's heartfelt. But she was being heartfelt to Mariah. She's like, Mariah, I don't want to be hurtful to Mariah or her family on or off camera. And then Lisa Nicole's like, but you did it to my family. And she goes, you and I are not close. We are not friends, Lisa Nicole. We do not share phone calls. Except for one time.

They all remember each and every phone call and text i just i just love the way simone goes from being thoughtful and genuine and trying to be nice and a bigger person like no not for you only mariah i like i will be hurtful to at least nicole because i don't like her but you mariah i will not yeah uh the whole thing this got really dark because really all the plot lines this year were super dark quad was right on that and he said how was this season for you and she's like this was a dark deep hole a hole of blackness and mystery and awfulness and torturous things happening to good sunsets in the west but it was very dark all the subject matter you know someone cheating someone your husband possibly being gay the following people around

the private investigators it was all gross um and having them even get grosser at the reunion was a sight to behold because this whole abortion thing is gross because Mariah is using – not abortion. I'm so sorry I said that. Her miscarriage. Mariah had her double miscarriage and is mad that no one visited her. And she's using that as leverage, which is disgusting. But then when they turned it around, they were ready for it. So this time she said, well, how would you feel if you had a double pop my face double

miscarriage and nobody even cared and heavenly's like well if i had a miscarriage i just i don't want nobody to call me until i'm ready for them to call me i don't want people to call me well i don't want you calling me if i'm a miscarriage don't call me and then yeah they all turned it around to it's your fault we didn't call you because me. If I'm a miscarriage, don't call me. They all turned it around to it's your fault we didn't call you because you were a bitch in the first place. Exactly. It's true, but it's hard to watch.

And even Mariah just had a nod. They were, but... Listen, I think that if you are really close to someone and you hear about it, then you call. It is a pretty personal traumatic thing and you sort of, it's weird. It's different than, I don't know. I feel like it's a different situation

than a death in the family. It's like a very- Well, so what we're saying, when my dad, whatever, when this tragedy happened or when that tragedy happened or when her dad died, I didn't hear about it on Twitter.

I heard about it because we're friends and she called me crying and that's how i know and with you i find out on you know facebook or whatever why would i call that stuff exactly i like the post you know not in a dislike not in a like good way like you know i'm glad something bad happened to you but because there's no other button i just had to press the like so you'd know i saw it you know those were my flowers darling the like by the way on another topic i was loving toya during this reunion she was calling everyone shit out she was so funny toya he kind of became my favorite cast member all of a sudden she was hilarious when when simone and lisa nicole were fighting in the wake of lisa gold being like you were mean to my family, whatever.

So Lisa Nicole was like, you were outright mean. And then Toya just turns and goes, Lisa, you are outright fake right now. It came out of nowhere. And it was like moments like that all reading along. She was cracking me up. She was. And whenever they tried to get her, she'd just go, that's true. Yeah.

She's like, that's funny. I own it. I own it. That's the difference like everything in my life i rent but you know things i say i own that's cool gene well we rented yeah um and then i love uh i rent the own it uh yeah i lease it my favorite single is lisa lisa in the Cult Gym because I like to lease things. So but I loved how also so then when

Toya totally calls out Lisa and then Lisa's trying to plead her case to Toya and Heavenly meanwhile is defending Lisa and being like if anyone should be married this season it should be Lisa and Lisa's not even paying attention and Heaven's like I'm talking I'm talking I love that yeah heavenly they weren't having heavenly but they

kind of forgave her and then daddy kept giving these speeches he's like now the reason we are doing this show is because there are very talented people on the stage well the husbands you know the husbands on the stage are very talented and we're serious. And, you know, we want to help people and inspire people. And I just don't see it. I don't really see that. I'm like, you came on this. You came on a show about your wife fighting with people and calling them stupid whores, basically. All strippers are whores, et cetera.

And literally, didn't she call somebody a stupid whore? Oh, no, it was Jim. You're a dumb bitch. Jill. You're a dumb bitch, Jill. You're a dumb bitch. Anyway, you're inspiring people. It's still a show about women tearing each other down. Yes, and then later.

On Bravo, which is a network about women tearing each other down. Yeah, and then someone said, well, you know, Jackie's nice, too. And he was like, oh, yeah. Simone said, well, there are people who tweet us, and they are inspired. I'm like, what are those tweets like? And what are you inspiring them to do exactly yeah you realize those are just like robot tweets that are like thanks for watching our show thanks for many like you you said like a keyword and since it's like a tweet to go up and like you're inspiring from daily inspiration um then we

had a really sad segment where we learned about uh dr jackie's dad passing away and um she's describing what happened and his last moments and it was like really really sad and really emotional and they're all crying and um you know it was like a very serious moment and at one point jackie goes and i just i want to thank every one of you for calling me and for the flowers you sent. And then they cut to Mariah with this look on her face. And I lost it. It was like went from being the most serious moment on the show to the funniest. You could tell Mariah was like, oh, fuck y'all.

You called Dr. Jackie. You sent her flowers. But nothing for me. Yes. Jackie can smack them down with the kindest sounding words ever. I love it. Love me some Jackie. And then, like, not too long after

that, like, I think actually Jackie even acknowledged that there was a disparity in terms of the response. And then she goes to Mariah, she's like, you know, we all, I appreciate, we are all family, and I really appreciate the support, you know, and she's like, and that she's like you know we all i appreciate we all we are all family and the support i really appreciate the the support you know and she's like and that's why you know mariah even if we don't call a prayer goes much farther i was so condescending and she is so funny because she

smacked mariah down so many times mariah was like well how do you think i feel blah blah blah and dr jackie she re-breaks up with her, which is so funny. Like she didn't get it the first time. She's a crazy ex. She's like, now, Mariah, you were, we each had individual personality issues and we had problems with your behavior because you were a terrorist

who chopped people's heads off and we all hope that you die a slow death. But we wish you the best. And Mariah's like, okay, okay. But then how come? Okay, now, this is why they called me and not you. We are friends. We are not friends.

It was good talking to you. I hope you feel hugged. It's like, no. She's just redoing it and mariah just had to sit there and be broken up with again so good and toya is just chomping on fake gum like when toya gets really mad she starts chewing something i don't know if it's like fake gum but she'll give a couple of chews almost like an anger like i told you. Chew. Love it. Well, Gene, I want you to buy me some gum.

Until you do that, I'm just going to pretend like I have it. You know, I'm using the secret to get gum in my mouth. I'm secretly gubs. Don't tell anybody or it won't work. Get some gum from the ambulance. Infuse me. Give me a gum infusion. But you're always complaining about mine.

Okay, I'm sorry, Eugene. Sometimes I'm mean. So there was another part I caught out. I don't even know what order run. Who cares? It's like a bunch of sobbing fake histrionics, and I'm sorry, as it don't mean anything. But I have, like, a few things here.

Jill, they cut to Jill. They cut to the whole, you know,isa lisa nicole your marriage is bullshit and everybody knows how do you feel and then they cut to the fight in the strip club and they cut to the diary room of jill saying she i don't know got to the heavenly fight somehow i'm so sorry i'm all over the place right now my notes it got to the heavenly place some somehow and jill says you can't just say that every stripper is a prostitute that's like if I said that every dentist was a crook

you just can't say that and I thought why are you personalizing the stripper because she's comparing it to heavenly calling herself a dentist which she is so Jill I mean I don't know maybe it was just stupidity but I'm like maybe Jill was standing up for herself that whole time.

She's like, I'm not just a prostitute. Yeah. I don't know what it was. I just caught it and I was like, that's weird that she kind of personalized that prostitute thing in an argument. Yeah, because if she's saying like, yeah. Like, maybe that's how she got her degree. I don't know. But it's a respectable, it's a, not respectful.

It's a respectable way to get your degree, dancing through college. Why not? I'd do it. it why not i've got the boobs if it was that time again and that's all that mattered i'd go to the shadiest place in el paso and just shake my hairy boobs around until somebody gave me dollars dare to dream dare to dream um well then uh aiden started talking about the huck he's like it's like you know people disrespect me the huck is gonna start smashing and then they just cut to everyone just like giggling like stupid stupid aiden yeah like shut up aiden no one thinks you're tough yes his faux like bad rug outrage shut up keep it quiet over there put a hat on and then uh well uh dr darren uh was conveniently too sick to come to the reunion but uh so that meant that andy had to ask Cecil and Dr. Jackie's husband.

Another great Andy moment. Got to give him credit where it's due. He said, so where's your husband, Lisa Nicole? Well, he's throwing up right now in a hotel room, Andy. And he said, yep. If I'd watch this season and I was him, I'd probably be throwing up in a hotel room right now, too. Yeah. Wow. Exactly. But they have to be nice

to him because he's the boss. So she just smiles like he just patted her on the head. That's sweet. I'll tell him you said so. But then Andy started grilling Cecil and Dr. J's husband about going to the strip club. Which, I don't know, for some reason that seems strange to me.

Because those guys weren't even really in the mix about the strip club situation. Andy doesn't like it when anybody gets off scot-free. If he hasn't fucked one reputation, then there's a spot missed on the glass, darling. Get that reputation de-windex. Let's unspot it. Kill the reputation! It's like, how dare someone leave a set happy? So then basically,

Dr. J's husband was sort of shady in his responses. He should have said, well, he did say, well, a man shouldn't have to ask for permission, but he should have said, well, I don't ask for permission, but I let her know. That's what he should have said. Instead, he and Cecil were sort of like being jokey, but afraid to respond, and then

they both finally were like, no, we don't tell our's great i was like i feel like dr i forget what dr jackie's husband's name is but he is like a basketball coach for high school i was like afraid for his career there a little bit that him saying that he went by him saying that he goes to strip clubs i was you know i wouldn't be surprised because the world's crazy right now but but I hope not because every guy goes to a strip club. Give me a break. Even I go. And I'm a gay guy. But yeah, guys like to go hang out there.

Why not? I go to gay bars where there's ding-dongs all over the place, and you would think, oh my god, that's so disgusting. But it's not. You're just having drinks. It's not like you're standing there jerking off at the weird poor people standing on the stage. Exactly. Yeah, that was awkward. So then Andy is pressing Lisa Nicole about the Cheetah situation

because remember on the show she got mad at the stripper and at Jill because Darren would never go to Cheetah's. And it turns out, guess what, he does go there. And then I think Andy asked her, he's like, so is Darren a regular? And she's like, well, he actually has been there more than one time it's like no shit sherlock no shit congratulations i don't know what consider what is considered a regular if it's five times a week eight times a week three times it wakes up there i don't know what do you consider a regular and then toya's like well when they remember your name another great

toya moment but we're famous not that. And then he confronted her about, well, confronted. He asked her about Jill. And he said, did Jill really get that stripper to do it? Like, did you investigate further or whatever? And she said, well, I was in the bathroom and I was talking to that dancer while Jill was there. He's like, okay. So did she actually say anything? anything like was there a fight that went down did you see jill tell her to do anything well i was telling this young woman about business

it's like uh what is missing from this story yeah yeah and so basically jill no she didn't see anything she jill got the idea they'd had the discussion already with the stripper that's why the stripper felt comfortable walking up to her and saying that was what i got from it but she's still using it to accuse jill she's such a liar this lisa nicole she walks any i told you when she first came on she seemed so nice but anybody with little girl voice has it's a fucking bitch every time they're always cruella deville behind that little girl voice. I did like how Mariah sort of came to Darren's defense. Because she was like, well, you know, Cheetos is one of the best restaurants in town. Oh, you know, and she is right.

I forgot that it got that full eight-page spread in Savor Magazine. Yeah. Cheetos. And it just, that they were trying to make it like oh it's not even a big deal it was at the strip club which it wasn't a big deal that's what makes me nuts they're making it a big deal like the strip club was the thing it's not the strip club it's that he's cheated so many times and he's still lying and then they showed the the affair again, which was such crap. I forgot about how much crap that was.

They kind of breezed over that. They didn't really dig into that too much either. Yeah, they just showed the clip. And Lisa Nicole said, That was very hurtful. And no, are your fingerprints on it? No, because she did not sign into Instagram with her fingerprint on the iPhone. So it's not recorded.

So I can't prove it. I did have it checked out. But no, there's not a fingerprint, but it was her Instagram. And multiple pages with that same gay. It's like, oh, yikes. I know. And then Quad goes, well, I understand what you're saying. But I had nothing to do with it.

Uh-huh. Yeah. That was the biggest bullshit. Biggest bullshit ever. I think they probably, maybe they just didn't get into it too deeply because he wasn't there. And, you know, it's a fine line in terms of slander, libel, whatever it is. And then Andy was like, well, next time I'm in Atlanta, I'm going to take you guys to Swinging Richards. And Dr. Jack is like, what's that?

And Quad's like, oh, it's a strip club for gays. You know, it's like, I just like how she's gotten, she didn't say anything wrong, but I liked how she sort of explained it in this, like this sort of way that just made me laugh. And then Andy said. It's very instructional. Like, oh, it's where gay things transpire.

There are floppy balls in a face. They call it a teabag, but it tastes like sweat. Honey! I'm like when Andy turns to them. Yeah, Andy turned to them and said, I'm gonna even invite all the husbands. And then he looked over them and said, I'm going to even invite all the husbands.

And then he looked over at Lisa Nicole, and she gave him Cruella look. Loved it. Her eyebrows raised in like a triangle. And she looked pissed. And I liked it. Andy was very shady during this podcast. Very. And I loved every second of it.

Oh, this reunion. Well, yeah, it was shady in this podcast. Yeah, because he can be. It's such a JV show. That's the end of the Married to Medicine season. I thought the first two-thirds were like blah, but then the last third I thought it actually got really good. It was back in classic form.

So I guess we'll see what happens next year. Yeah, I hope that they kind of lighten it up next year. I'd like to see them get rid of both mariah and quad yes just let it be crazy ladies having stupid parties in rented living rooms i that's all i need i don't there's so much and i know we the stuff we actually talk about on this show is the darkness and the grossness but the stuff that makes it fun isn't that part really it's like the fun part, you know? Like Lisa Vanderpump and the DMV. Never will forget that as long as I live.

Just repeat that over and over with different cast. Let that be your new fake baby in a box storyline. So anyway, that brings us to the end of the podcast. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Thanks, everyone, for enduring my oddly timed jokes this episode. My coffee wore off very quickly, and I was like, every joke I made, I was like, that didn't come out right. Oh, Ben, you didn't have fun. Well, I had fun, but I felt like every joke of mine was just bizarre.

Well, you made me laugh quite a bit. Thank you, everyone. I'm my toughest critic. No, I'm just the one laughing the most sitting here. I have to listen to the whole thing, Bing. All right. Well, I think it's time for me to go to the bathroom. So thanks, everyone, for listening.

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