Watch What Crappens - #228: Are You There God? It's Me, Tamra.

Episode Date: October 13, 2015

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" had a come-to-Jesus moment as Tamra Barney was baptized in a hotel swimming pool amongst her closest frenemies. Unsurprisingly, it didn't turn out so well. Shannon and Vicki screamed at each other, and friendships crumbled as Brooks' maybe-cancer continued to dominate all conversation. Meanwhile, in New Jersey, the Giudice clan gathered around the phone to hear Teresa say hi from prison. And then she called again. And again. And people cried. Hear all our thoughts on these shows, and be sure to follow Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) at watchwhatcrappens.com Remember to support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and like us on Facebook at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. Watch what crappins, watch what crappins, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins.

Crappins. Crappins. Crappins. Watch what happens. Watch what happens. Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Watch what happens. Watch what happens. Watch what happens when there's so much that happens? love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banta Blenda podcast. And joining me as always is the hilarious, the multi-talented,

lovely, and perfectly wonderful Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ronnie. Hello, Ben. How are you today? Hello, everybody. I'm good. I'm so excited to be here. Oh, I'm excited for you to be here, too, even though we actually are not in the same place.

Oh, we're both in the same heart. Yeah, we record this podcast like the Kevin and Bean radio show, where one of them's in LA and one of them's in Seattle, except the difference is that Ryan and I are like three quarters of a mile away instead, and two ladies need to get together. The point is, Ben, we have been baptized, and so that makes us family automatically, because you've been baptized too. Yeah, I've been baptized, although I still don't believe in Jesus, which is sort of weird.

Have you been baptized? I was totally kidding. No, no, I haven't been baptized. Of course not. I was going to say, whoa, you'll do anything at a party. I've been bar mitzvahed. That was my baptism. I got bar mitzvahed. Yeah. Yeah, no. I mean, I've been in water, if that was the question i have been in water it's

not the same thing you don't get your sins cleaned every time you take a shower people wouldn't be masturbating during it there's nothing sexy about like having your sins cleansed well cleanliness is godliness so if i take a shower i'm being more godly maybe you know what since god invented your crazy logic in the first place i'm gonna call it acceptable look was not drowned in that community pool so i think that god's pretty much okay with us doing he really means it when he says free will yeah he do he do um So everyone, come join us on Facebook. Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens. We have the best Facebook page out there. I'm just going to actually say that.

It is truly the best Facebook page in all of the entire Facebook world. So good. And you know what? In the past two days, this Real Housewives of Orange County stuff and plus just other stuff that you guys are posting and we're posting, there's over like 250 comments, I think, in the past couple of days.

Yeah. You guys are talking. Our post engagement is currently at, well, it's at over 3,000. I love you. Well, that's what it says on the side there. Post engagement. It was the first stat that I saw. It says over 3,000.

And you guys should all know that our response time is two hours. That's not so bad. If you send us a message, you know, just go out and do something. Go see a movie. When you come back, you might have heard from us. No, but we don't care about those stats. What we do care about is that the page is really awesome. And we are 24 people away from hitting 5,000 likes.

We're going to do it. Oh, and last Thursday was episode 227, and we did not do a... Oh, man. I know. That was actually our biggest failure. You know, we always joke about how we always miss our Milestone episodes. Let's die. This one stings a lot.

Missing 227. Ben, I can't believe that you did a podcast and didn't mention 227, Maui. Ooh, Maui. One of my favorite shows of all time. I can't believe we didn't honor it. But, you know, we honor it now. Well, I honor Pearl from 227 every day by sitting at my window and looking at people with disinterest. I honor Lester by walking around and not understanding what these bitches are talking about.

And we're gay. So naturally our DNA on that. Yeah. We honor her every single day, every single moment. Yes. And of course, Brenda,

AKA Regina King. Oh my God. Yes. Still doing wonderful things with her life. She has a great career going on. Oh yeah. Yeah. And by the way,

I'd like to honor this theme song, which is one of my favorite theme songs of all time probably behind i would say i would say it's behind amen which i love i love the amen theme song behind mr belvedere which i think is an unsung hero in the theme song universe and i wouldn't have been able to just uh sing this song but i know it i love it what was What was Mr. Belvedere's? How'd that one go? I can play it. It is honestly probably my favorite.

One Day at a Time is also a favorite of mine. I know people like the big ones, like Rowing Pains, etc. There's no place like home. I mean, no place, child. I mean, no place, child. Yes.

Yes, ma'am. I mean, no ma'am. Do you say yes, ma'am, to no place? I don't know. So let me tell you something. Mr. Belved'am. I mean no ma'am. Do you say yes ma'am to no place? I don't know. So let me tell you something. Mr. Belvedere, what I like about it, first of all, it starts on a very sophisticated note as it should, and then it just gets down into the

funk. Alright? You ready? Sweaters. Sweaters. That's the whole song, in my memory. Sweaters. I'm wearing a sweater. Yes, yes sir, I'm wearing a sweater Yes sir I'm wearing a sweater I don't hear it Hype it up This is very like

It's like Southern Dixie or something Yeah This is very, like... It's like Southern Dixie or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, now classy again. new arrival. Life is more than mere survival. And we're just mightn't live a good life yet. Now classy again. Because it is British. Or someone's British on the show. And then here's some Bob Uecker. Well, it's not really Bob Uecker. It's more like

it represents Bob Uecker. A little sass at the end. At first I thought, this is not very Mr. Belvedere, but then of course it's sung by a complete hicks who needs the help of an intelligent person. And you know he's intelligent because there are actual pianos. Or the Garage Band heyday, all right? Garage Band. Now there's also a whole genre of instrumental theme songs, of which I would put MacGyver. I think MacGyver's at the top of that one

and then What's Happening? Or it could go the other way around. You have way different ones than me. I didn't even remember that Mr. Belvedere song. Well, that's why I said it's an unsung hero, because no one remembers it. Everyone goes to Growing Pains, which is also a fabulous theme song. But there are certain ones

that people always go to, and they're ones that are forgotten, and Mr. Belvedere really needs to have more attention. Well, sometimes when things are unsung, it's because people don't like the songs. So they don't sing them. I'll tell you one thing. I sing those songs. I sing Mr. Belvedere more than I would like to admit.

Streets on to China, never matter before. There's nothing to be ashamed about when you have a niche fetish, like a niche TV-themed fetish. I'm just glad I was able to share that, and we still haven't even finished the introduction of our podcast. We're like, it's a podcast about Bravo. Now let's listen to Mr. Belvedere. 20 minutes of intros for shows that aren't Bravo. It's a podcast about Bravo. Now let's listen to Mr. Belvedere. 20 minutes of intros for shows that aren't Bravo. It's your fault. You brought back the Spectre of 227.

It's your fault, Ronnie. You can't just do that. You can't just do that. Well, something has to be said. You can't just pretend it never happened. I'm glad you did. I'll never forget. Other housekeeping things are that for for other social media including our vine

which we've been active on and having a really good time with just go to watch for crappens.com all our links are there um and if you look around poke around on like itunes whatever you could hear us on patty stanger's podcast which is an interesting listen. And I'm going to be actually on Amy Phillips' show tomorrow, her radio show on Sirius. Holler! I'm going the 24th. Don't worry, she asked you first. No, no, no.

It wasn't a thing of that. I think she said she wasn't able to have both of us on at the same time, which is too bad. But we love Amy. So that's going to two wednesdays in a row starting with wednesday october 14th i will be on on amy's show on radio andy on sirius following week ronnie will be on i think i'm on the 24th isn't that the following week i don't know that wasn't seven plus that whatever you did that's seven

yeah well we'll have it on our facebook how many times does that show on is that like an everyday thing oh i wanted to tell you been too in the facebook messaging thing somebody sent us a message and it said you guys um amy poehler has a show on sirius xm you have to do it you would uh you would be so good on it. And I was like, Amy Poehler is so rich that she's like, fuck it. I'm going to do a show about housewives on Sirius. I've done everything I have to do. And so I was Googling it.

And of course, I couldn't find it. It's Amy Phillips. Amy Phillips. Duh. I suspected that. And I figured we would clarify that right here on the air. Yeah. I even asked Amy.

She said, will you do my podcast? I said, that's so funny because I was just thinking I wish I knew somebody at Sirius so I could ask them about Amy Poehler. I'm so stupid. She's like, uh. Never mind. This is how rumors start, by the way. This is how rumors start. So that's all the good stuff.

That's everything you need to know. And if there's other stuff, you know, we'll interrupt. Oh, Patreon. Oh, yeah. Thank you, everybody, so much for Patreon. When you go there and support us, obviously this is always going to be free. But when you support us, we do bonus episodes every week. And there are ringtones and Google Hangouts, which the next one should be coming up in.

Oh, yeah. You're right. Probably, is it next week? Next week. We're going to do our Google Hangout next week. So a week from Thursday. And of course, you know, we have to give a shout out to our super sponsor of the month, courtesy of her beautiful, adorable, wonderful husband.

You know who I'm talking about, don't you? Jessica. Jessica. Jessica. Do you'm talking about, don't you? Jessica! Jessica! Jessica! Do you like that song, Jessica? Your birthday month is over, but the love for you is forever! Jessica!

Jessica is a super sponsor. She gets a shout-out every episode for this month. And then when the month is over, we forget her. Then she's gone because unlike her beautiful husband, we didn't marry her. Bye, bitch! Just kidding. Happy still birthday. He's probably taking her on a dinner cruise around the Catalina Islands right now, for all we know.

Romantic man. Yes. Okay, so let's move on to the show being okay so we are going to talk about real housewives of orange county finale real housewives of new jersey theresa checks in um i think that's all we're talking about right yeah this show needs to just be called Teresa Still Has Fucking Money? What? Yeah. How? Yeah, I think we should, let's start with OC,

because I, you know, I want to start in a positive place. Okay? I don't want to, because otherwise I'm going to be hating on it. Yeah, OC is so, OC with its fake Christianity and, like, Jesus for TV ratings and fake cancer and you're right let's start with the positive

well I mean it's been an amazing season I do love this juxtaposition it was a great season this juxtaposition of pseudo spirituality turning the leaf mixed with a witch hunt a cancer witch hunt, is really one of the most amazing juxtapositions we've ever seen on any of these shows.

Well, the most spiritual story ever told ends with a crucifixion. That's true. And so did this episode. It's not all fun and games in the Bible either. And this episode ended with a crucifixion, actually. So, you know, this really was, this is the origins of Christianity, is this episode, right?

Today, we're going to study how the real housewives has influenced religion before it even knew it was doing it. It's that deep, you guys. It is that deep. It's the greatest story ever told, right? Isn't that what it is? I've separated this 18 pages

of notes with equal, like lines of equal signs, so that I can see very clearly when to move on, because I needed a binder. I need a colored, I have a color-coded binder for all of this. It's just crazy. Oh, yeah. So,

well, it starts with Tamra getting ready for the big old baptism, right? She's taking a look at everything around. Party planner. She has Larissa the party planner for her baptism because that's what you do when you get baptized. Yeah, get a party planner. That's right. And –

I know that bitch is registered someplace too. Yeah. And it's not a Bible gift shop. And she learns that there's going to be a choir that's going to sing a song for her when she rises out of the water. And in my mind, I'm like, okay, so it's probably going to be something by Quiet Riot or Motley Crue. Maybe Winger, you know? I can't imagine

it's going to be anything too spiritual. I want to know what love is. She's going to emerge. She's going to be like, school's out for summer maybe it'll be jesus priest that'd be good oh what if it was just something completely opposite of what we would even think like it's not something harsh at all it's like i think we're

alone now there doesn't seem to be anyone around Jesus. It's probably like, every Jesus has a thorn. Every thorn has Jesus. Something like that, right? Bet you wish your coffin was hot like me. Yeah, that's actually, that's probably more like it. Gonna loosen up this baptism. gonna loosen up this baptism. Everything's just like a Weird Al version of Pussycat Dolls, but around baptism.

I'm out of Pussycat Dolls songs already. No, they have that stupid song that's like... I love Pussycat Dolls. Don't they have that stupid song that's like... Probably. That was all their songs. I love pussycat dolls. Don't they have that stupid song that's like, Mm-mm. Probably. That was all their songs. It was like, Blink, a text game.

Blink, blink, text game, batch. They have that stupid song. The only song I can think of is Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me and I'm gonna loosen up those buttons. They have that song. You know how when you're, Oh, stick with you. Stick with you.

She's like, I'm gonna stick with you. Stick with you. She's like, I'm going to stick with you, Jesus. Oh, pussycat dolls. Oh, they have this song called I Hate This Part. Remember this song? I hate this part right here. That would be the song that would sing to her. Every breath you take. It's ironic because I can't breathe under the water, Batch.

Maybe they'll just do some old school Enya. Maybe it'll be like Book of Days. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I don't know. Hey, Batch, why are they just making noise? Why aren't they singing words? Why are they just going, That's Enya, right?

Who does that one? It's like, Well, she does that. Enya mixes it up. She goes, Maybe it's Enya singing pussy at us. Don't you wish your girlfriend were hot like me? Oh, Enya.

I barely even know ya. Oh my god. So, yes. So, Tamara's getting ready for her baptism party. Batch. She's like ready for her baptism party. Batch. She's like, I can't wait. I'm going to. I like Tamara's innocent person voice because it's a totally different tone than her evil Tamara voice.

She has, like, raccoon squint. And now she tries to open her eyes. I really thought it was surgery. But it's not. She's just not squinting her eyes in these scenes because she's got Jesus. And she talks in a different voice. I can't wait to be baptized. I'm going to wash away my sins and start over.

I'm getting my sinful boobs taken out and I'm getting completely new fresh boobs. Fresh ones that are full of prayers. And Pastor Mike is like, it's a real important day. Yeah, it's so important. And he's like freshly gel and spray tanned. He's literally wearing board shorts. Literally wearing board shorts. Yeah.

Orange County. I love Pastor Mike. I love a guy. I love a pastor because that's how church. I mean, I know he has to get in the pool, but still that's so how church is now. They're like, come in board shorts. We accept you. There's nothing in the Bible against board shorts.

All right, let's watch the preacher on this Megatron screen right after the rock band scenes. Yeah, it's true. Every breath Jesus takes. There's a church right near here called Mosaic. And every Wednesday they have some function where people come to pray. But before they pray, there's like a DJ outside. And they're all like trendy and wearing like little fedoras. And they're all gorgeous people, gorgeous hipsters about to get their Jesus on.

And it is like blowing my mind. Yeah, mostly thin. None of them really look desperate enough to have the level of religion they need. Yeah. They're not like on death row. That's when you're really religious. Like when you're about to die or when you were attacked on Twitter after being a batch last year.

Something usually... I'm not saying all... You know what I'm saying. I'm saying like when people convert. It's usually something very, very drastic. You don't convert when you're 47 unless you're on death row or you're a batch on Twitter. Or you need a storyline

on a reality TV show. Yeah. That too. Batch. So then everyone starts getting, people are coming over to the baptism, Shannon and David. I got the original bird that brought messages. The dove. Twitter was inspired by the bible bent this

podcast is officially in the grand it's so deep continue it's so deep it's so deep so uh shannon and david um climb into their limo and david's like oh dear these pants are so tight i mean she's like well that's what happens when you go from a 36 to a 32 he's like or that's what happens when i stick my finger up your ass because you lose a piece of plastic up there. And she's like, honey, can we please stop talking about the ass talk? Please, seriously, drop it. It's like, no,

Shannon, sorry you lost that right. You had your husband fist you before a baptism. Wow, that's black love. I like that David... Dear... Sorry, I had to remember who he was for a minute. Dear, this is a great ride riding with you in this limo. You sure I can't get you something before we go, Brunswick?

What is that, David? It's a brand of bowling ball, babe. Let me put my fingers in your butt. Bowl you like a bowling ball. David! David! Please. David.

We are in the car. David, you know that you took your mistress to many bowling alleys. You know I resent being compared to a bowling ball. It just reminds me of her. David, you said only candle pin bowling with your mistress, but now I find out you're doing regular bowling. David. Just like bowling. It just keeps rolling, no matter whose fingers have been in the holes or what the score is.

Things just keep rolling. There's no counter for negative thoughts on the electronic scoreboard, but the ball keeps going and sometimes pins get knocked down. You know, it's appropriate you took your mischievous bowling because you certainly did score by the gutter.

David? David? Did you strike out with her? David? David? David? Did you strike out with her, David? David? David? A strike? How many frames did you have sex with her on? How many frames, David?

David, three turkeys, I mean, three strikes is a turkey, David. David, have you ever had turkey with your mistress? I'm going to list all the turkeys you've eaten with your mistress, David. You know, I recently gave David some brand new loafers. And then come to find out, the same night that I gave him loafers, he took them off and put on bowling shoes and was intimate with his mistress at a bowling alley. David, what about the loafers? Sorry, dear. And then she goes, I am in love with my husband.

Who would have ever thought? Look at this. I am in love with my husband. Who would have ever thought? Look at this. I am in love with David. I'm in love with David. Shannon Bedore and David Bedore are in love, and they're nowhere near a bowling alley. I would never have thought this could happen three months ago when we were lying on our gravestones. Who would have thought? When here lies Shannon Bedidor was in the ground,

eventually a prince would come, dig her up, and stick fingers up her butt and get an imaginary psycho... psychological colonic out of her. Psychological debris out of my butt. Who knew David Bidor did that to Shannon Bidor? David.

David, turns out that if you blow in your nebulizer hard enough, you can make a wish. And my wish was that we'd be in love again. And we are. Shannon. When Shannon uses the computer, she refuses to use the autofill function. She's like, nope. Nope.

I am going to type in every time, Shannon Bedore. That's it. You're not going to say it for me. I am first name Shannon, last name Bedore. No water, Phil. Shannon Bedore is filling out this form. They'll get my email. I filled out a form.

Shannon Bedore did. Well, only using Yahoo Mail, of course, because Gmail is strictly prohibited in our household. David. So is regular mail. We don't communicate with the outside world because David has mistresses everywhere. The chandelier won't come down.

I suspect it might have something to do. Who cares? I'm in love. Shannon B. Doerr doesn't care. She's in love. It was like happy rich people in limos on the way to a baptism music. And then we see Megan. We are really

awful to these people. Even when they're not doing anything. Poor Megan. And the truth is, and by the way, before you say even what you're going to say, I'm sorry. We come down on Megan the hardest when the truth is she is doing nothing different than what we fucking do. Which is be like, bullshit. We're going to look that up.

Well, if we were watching ourselves we would be making fun of ourselves yeah probably too uh we'd be judgmental of ourselves too but i just even when she's being sad or something i just still laugh because i get what she's going through and i feel bad but i still i don't know why it's just funny to me because now she's been officially dumped because hayley didn't come to the party with her and she's pouting and she's like when i moved to the oc i was ready to be without jimmy because i thought i was gonna have a family but now i'm in alone with heather and her husband like i can't be friends with heather and her husband i need help back me up hashtag back up hashtag lonely justice hashtag couples shouldn't have to go on couple dates alone.

Hashtag cashew chicken. Hashtag don't overdo the soyaki. Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I don't care. Hashtag I just got a new bottle of soy vey. It's great. Hashtag Tuscan furniture. Hashtag stock market homework. It's been a minute. Hashtag Tuscan furniture. Hashtag stock market homework. Oh, it's been a minute.

Hashtag rice is done. Hashtag put the jizz on my face. It's a facial. So then we get to the baptism and we see some familiar. I won't say familiar faces, but we see some people we know. Lynn Curtin, Tammy Knickerbocker. No Gina. Oh, yeah. Tammy Knickerbocker. No Gina. Oh, yeah. All the regs. Yeah, no Gina, though.

Where is Gina? Well, she doesn't want to be around anywhere where Tamara's going to be splashing things. That's true. Especially when everyone's wearing white. She's like, I'm not going to ruin my best pleather skirt for this. I've learned my lesson. So I'm just going to hang out with my son.

He's going to be an asshole to me. It'll be great. And Vicky is going in as Vicky always goes into an episode where she knows she's completely caught lying wrong in every which way. She does it every single time she's wrong, which is I'm going, but I'm not staying long because I have somewhere else to be. I cannot be around this toxic energy. I can it i can't do it i you know what's toxic chemo that's why brooks won't go i don't want to be around anything more toxic meanwhile brooks is like off at chili's watching some fight it was probably it was probably the mayweather fight that was going on when the two of us went and saw Avengers that night.

Oh, yeah, maybe so. I like that no one will believe anything that they say now. Later in the episode, Vicky's saying, oh, Brooks isn't coming because, oh, there's a game or something. He's at home watching with, you know, mom. Oh, I forget! And she's telling Heather. And Heather's like, oh, really? A game?

Who's he rooting for? Who's he supporting in the game? This game on the television? Do you have a picture of this game? Do you have some evidence? Oh, yeah. Well, here's a newspaper. This is from 1988.

Well, yeah. You know, it's like a game, though. Is Terry at this game with him right now? Go ahead. Tell us. Tell us. Tell us right now. Why aren't you telling us?

Because he's at McDonald's. He doesn't have to prove anything to you guys. I called McDonald's. They don't show games at McDonald's. I called. If you want to see a game at McDonald's, they refer you immediately to a sports bar. You know what's funny, though? They actually do pet scans now.

They're in Happy Meals. Yeah. It's really weird. It's funny, though. They actually do PET scans now. They're in Happy Meals. Yeah. It's really weird. It's pretty advanced. Megan is really... Megan is really holding the Bravo torch high. She comes to the baptism wearing hashtag crop top

baptism dress. Oh, yeah. She's gonna steal it from sheena only on bravo would someone go to a baptism wearing a crop top dress yeah well only in orange county meanwhile eddie shows up he does he hasn't even shaved he still has this like crappy brillo pad patchy shit all over his face like it's your it's your wife's baptism shave for crying out loud um you've read the bible right beards beards supportive he's like what is this again why am i here he's like i know this means a lot to you babe because remember that time you mentioned it

to me at the sex party and i had no idea yeah i'm always saying jesus j Jesus, Jesus, Eddie. It's like, Jesus. Call me a Jesus freak, bitch. He's like, oh, I thought you were just like, you know, saying Jesus a lot because you were pissed. I was, but like, Jesus, Jesus, Eddie. Fucking idiot. I thought you were just talking to the guy who was fixing our warped floors. Jesus. That's Alfredo.

Alfredo's here? Oh, my God. He works everywhere. Alfredo's here Oh my god he works everywhere Alfredo hi Where is he Brooks is at home watching a game Heather who's it for Vicky whoever doesn't accuse him of cancer lies That's who he's rooting for He's rooting for the football team that has the color of

We believe you We believe you have cancer Tell your friends We believe you I'm rooting for you He's rooting for Mike Tyson to win the fight We believe you have cancer, okay? Tell your friends. Rah, rah, rah. We believe you. I'm rooting for you. We believe you. He's rooting for Mike Tyson to win the fight.

Mike Tyson's not even playing anymore. I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't know. That's just what he says. I don't know. He's hanging out with his friend OJ. OJ's been in jail for like a long time.

Oh, well, you know, I don't know. I was in Montana. I was on a riverboat. Who knows? I don't know. I was in Montana. I was on a riverboat. Who knows? I don't know. Insurance. What? Yeah. Work. Get a job. I don't know. What sort of proof do I... I mean, what do I have to show you? O.J. Simpson? Is that what I have to show you to make you believe that he's hanging out with O.J. Simpson? Well, yeah. Well, Beck is on the internet

searching for whoever, you know, whoever's lying. Hopefully she'll go to Craigslist and get a job! So meanwhile, Tamara is still like talking all religiously. She's saying, talking about her baptism, she's like,

I feel like my life is going to change. I really feel like my life is going to change. No, it's not going to. Newsflash, it's not going to change. You're 47 years old. You're a Christian. There's like no tick box on the on the form you get from the credit companies you know yeah yeah you're yeah it's it's not gonna change um and then uh then there's like a gospel then there's like a pre-baptism gospel performance

where they're like what can wash away my sin Girl, there ain't enough sand in the desert. There's not enough acetane in the world to wash off your sin. It is done. It is on you. It is a stain. Tamara would try and cleanse herself with blood. Like, that made so much sense when they were like,

Jesus is gonna wash you with blood. I was like, yes, that sounds like Tamara. She's like, I'm taking a bath in blood Bitch Find me a religion I can get behind It's good because I love that movie Carrier Because I totally dunked so many girls In pig blood all my life

So it's good to get blood too Consider this It has nothing to do with anything Consider the blood Can we talk about the fashions It has nothing to do with anything. Consider the blood. Can we talk about the fashions? We've talked about the crop top baptism dress, but guys, Vicky is wearing another doily, weird wedding lacy. It's like a Victoria's Secret 1999 catalog non-lingerie option.

Yeah, paneled with, I don't know, cardboard from the bottom of a box from the costco you know when they give you those boxes to take them home i don't know it's like pad it's like arc pat i don't know you know that shit's gonna be on ebay though soon vicky's vicky's finale dress vicky's baptism dress right now for 99.99 someone's like this was five dollars at walmart and now it smells like old Lady and Body Over. Yeah, it's it was not a good dress. You know, Vicky has looked really good all season, but this

was not a shining moment for her. It was not good. She's in a lace phase. Not working. Yeah. Everybody's in a lace phase. That just hit the Chico's in Orange County. Everybody was in lace. There was a clearance on lace. There was a clearance on lace in San Clemente or something.

Everyone get it now. Well, Tamara is a whore, and she's coming to Jesus. So everybody go out and buy a whorish marriage wedding dress. Theme. Okay, attire. Slutty Mary. Okay, got it. And thendy Mary. Okay, go. And then Tamara goes on this whole monologue.

Well, she gives like a speech. She starts talking about like how she forgives Simon. She forgives Simon now because through the darkness she realizes like what, like all the good things that came out of it. So she forgives Simon. So housewives. I was like, no, you don't forgive him. She's like, well, I may not like him, but I forgive him. You donwives. I was like, no, you don't forgive him. She's like, well, I may not like him, but I forgive him.

You don't forgive him. By the way, you don't forgive him. And that's so housewives to make your baptism a speech dissing your ex. Yeah. I would like to thank Jesus for having me at this country club pool.

So thank you, Jesus. I'd also like to thank Smirnoff and Adrian Malouf's shitty drink, whatever she donated. Thank you, batch. Consider the source like to thank Smirnoff and Adrian Malouf's shitty drink, whatever she donated. Thank you, Batch. Consider the source of this vodka that was donated. The Lord is my pastor, and I shall not want a shepherd. Okay, so, like, Simon

was mean. Okay, his name's not Simon. It's just, like, somebody. Judas. Okay, let's just say his name is Judas. So, like, Judas was mean, but, like, Judas, like, made my hands bloody and, like, told me my boobs were gross and called me fat and stupid. Whatever, bitch. Jesus

wasn't like that. So I forgive you, whoever you are, Judas. I totally forgive you now, bitch. By the way, Judas loves anal beads. Just on Twitter, talking about how Simon loves anal beads and blah, blah, blah. What the hell? Well, it's funny, because she also says in her speech,

she's like, I'll continue to mess up from time to time. I'm like, time to time, a.k.a. all the time? Like, how many seconds between those times? I mean, you're going to be messing up all the time. And then she goes, she ends on this very deep thought. She goes, what was once my mess is now my message. And my message is, i'm a mess no the message is anal beads make a mess yeah it's like if if this if you're sending us a message

i say return to sender please i say what gmail address did you send it to i can't i just can't use them all anymore. She's like, so here's Ryan. He was my mess. And now he's my message to all of you. Don't do this. Don't pick a pass. Messes get, get 10 years older every episode.

Batch. Sons of Anarchy doesn't pay enough to support your new husband's lifestyle. Batch. Batch. Don't pick a mess. And then Heather actually had a line that made me laugh, even if it was probably written for her. She's like, I think this, dare I say, softer, more balanced, grandmothery version of Tamra is very nice. Don't go in the water.

Droughter. She had some good ones today, Heather. Yeah. I'm Jewish. ones today, Heather. Yeah. I'm Jewish. We don't get baptisms. I mean, our slogan is, we never forget. Yeah. I think a bar mitzvah might be the clue. Well, technically, if you convert to Judaism, it's like the mikvah where a lady has to swim in a pool.

So it's sort of like it, but good on you, Heather. Baptized, obviously, at birth, or close to their birth. Not when they're born. I mean, they are washed. They are bathed in blood. But, um... Yeah, they get baptized when they're born. You know, adult

baptism is a symbolic thing. Or apparently just a good time to ask sponsors to donate vodka to the country club so you could party with your friends. Who gets wasted at a fucking baptism? Who? I would normally say probably like wasps, right? But I would say congrats to Heather for clawing herself out of the hole of last year.

Because at the end of last season, she was one of the worst. She the worst and this season you know i mean she was trying hard with the happy go hey i'm a lady of the people but she did for the most part she stayed out out of the fray you know she was in the fray she she uh she she has graduated to being you know yeah people are really loving people are really loving the he. I think it's just so funny. Good for you, Heather. You turned it around. You righted the boat. Yeah, well, she's, you know, it took a season.

But, you know, she's proof that it can be done. They all are, aren't they, though? They're all different. Every year you're rooting for somebody else. But yeah, she does have a lot of people who are like, she's really nice. Yeah, she is really nice. But it's still fun to make fun of her being one of the people and then building a mall house and talking about it like

it's an actual thing. Yeah, I mean, we'll get to it later in the episode, but when she was like, I was everything to everyone. What a life. Be quiet. I'm not Christian, but I actually have a lot in common with Jesus. His dad built a kingdom of heaven. I'm

building a mall. You know what I mean, right? He a kingdom of heaven. I'm building a mall. You know, it's like, you know what I mean, right? He was a carpenter. I boss around carpenters. I drew a tree that is going to be etched on the wooden doors of the cabinets that Colette's going to be sleeping in. So, carpenter. He had a beard. I have a very large house.

You know, I get it. He caught fishes. I put leeches on my stomach. You know how it is. He drank wine. We take the Rivestrol and put it on dry skin or oily skin or old skin or young skin, like any skin, you know.

He came back from the dead. I got a new face. Buy our product now. You'll get fresh new skin, and we'll make a cabinet payment. Thank you. So, oh, by the way, I think that actually Heather is calling into my episode with Amy tomorrow. Oh, she is? I'm just remembering.

I think. I could be wrong. Ask her how Alfredo is. Please. No, I'm going to probably spend half the time talking about Chapico and Katona. Because she's from Chapico. I'm from Katona.

They're like neighboring towns in Westchester, New York. Oh my god, you're going to out-obnoxious each other with words. Yeah. Oh my god. Oh, I can do it, Ronnie. This is how you spend time with Heather. Because you know that Heather is basically

the female version of me. That's probably why I came down on her so hard last year. Because I'm like, stop doing that, Ronnie. This is how you spend time with Heather. Because you know that Heather is basically the female version of me. That's probably why I came down on her so hard last year, because I'm like, stop doing that, me. You know she is. I mean, let's be honest. That's the truth. Well, that's okay, because I'm kind of a Tamara and Shannon mixed together. It's like a neurotic batch.

Batch. Okay, so one of my favorite parts this episode then happened tamra gets baptized they she gets dunked into the water and then the producers do the funniest thing ever they show the shimmering water it's like the opening scene of the graduate you just see the water the pool water and then this echoey cross-dissolving montage of all these moments when Tamara was a heinous cut fitness over the past eight years or whatever. And just one scene after another after another. That's my opinion! You know, like, let's get her naked, wasted.

Just one, like, her throwing things on the ground, her fighting with Sia, everything. All with this like what are in this like pseudo spiritual religious moment i was like y'all are just real fuckers right now you're just making fun of her you know it was amazing and last year when she was having her whenever she says i went through the hardest time last year she's either talking about like her divorce or she's talking about how she was a bitch and everybody was mean to me at dinner. And I love that they showed her at that scene where everyone confronted her and called her on her bullshit. And she's like, you'll never see me again, bitch!

And then she runs past a pool and Alfredo cleaning it. I was like, oh my God, the signs have always been there, darling. He is always talking to you. You just are ready to listen now. You know, it's amazing because on the surface, that montage was saying all of these moments, they're all being washed away. But really, I think what the producers were saying, look at this bitch. We have eight years of this shit. She ain't going to change.

You could get some powdered iced tea and you could add water to it, but at the end of the day, it's got the same fucking chemicals and they're all gonna kill you! Tamara's mom, this was so funny, because Tamara's mom's all proud as she gets it, and Terry is smiling like he wants to laugh his ass off. And he's drinking like a

straight-up Jack or something. He needs a stiff drink to see all his Sugar goyim And then the Gospel choir starts singing Amazing Grace Cut to Vicky testifying Her hand in the air being like yes

Amazing Grace This is what I'm saying Amazing Grace I could I was blind but now I see. You know, I had cancer. Now I don't have cancer. You know, Amazing Grace, that was probably misspelled too. A lot of the original lyrics from Amazing Grace,

they were just all run together with no spaces. You say it, Jesus. This is what I'm trying to tell them. Oh, Grace. You know, Grace and my mom always have great times. Hey, Mom, Grace is here. Oh, no, you know, Grace and my mom always have great times. Hey, Mom, Grace is here. Oh, no, Mom, I forgot. Oh, Satan is the author of, you know, Confusion and Doubt and Cancer Doubt.

I mean, it's a long title, but you know Satan can do what he wants to do. Leave him alone! Don't touch Satan's potato! Oh, God. So then, so now it's time for the reception. So Tamara goes off to get her hair and makeup done. And then we see there's an angel food cake and a devil's food cake. And I could already just imagine Shannon holding her cross to these cakes.

Be like, I banish you, sugar and fat, from this party. I banish you, I say. David, David, banish the sugar and fat. David, David, David, I love you so much. Why, David, banish the sugar and fat. David, David, David, I love you so much. Why won't you banish the sugar and fat? David. Well, without sugar and fat, you wouldn't be getting kidney stones, dear, and there'd be no reason for me

to excavate your butthole again, dear. David, stop making jokes like that, David. What was the chant from the Exorcists? Remember what they say from the exorcists what was that they did they remember what they say in the exorcist when they try to like get the spirit out of the little girl it's like in the name of the father i banish you whatever it was i banish you cake i banish you cake you're banished hey did anybody eat any of that banishment cake what's it good what's it good

oh i forgot to mention this part here. Hold on. My vagina is shrinking because the water is cold. Oh, just Tamara. I'm getting baptized, bitches! Oh my god, my vagina is like nuts right now. It's like up in my stomach! It's like stupid white trash, Tamara. By the way,

the chant is, the power of Christ compels you, of course. The power of Christ compels you, sugar and fat. The power of Christ compels you, of course. The power of Christ compels you, sugar and fat. The power of Christ compels you. So, I forgot to say this about Tamra getting baptized. So they show

this whole cut fitness montage, and then they're still playing like the happy Jesus fat clown pineapple, what do you call it, bongo? What is it? Coconut music. And then they show Tamara with her wide eyes and new voice. And she's like, it was just trying to cry.

It was like when I came up, everybody looked different. Everybody was beautiful. Everybody was so pretty because Jesus is like a Jesus filter where everybody is suddenly hot. It's a Jesus filter. It's why he's so forgiving.

You know, he just he sees everybody as hot, bitch. Stupid. Oh, God. I don't know why I thought that was funny. Probably because I was watching this at 4 a.m. I'm sorry, I don't know why I thought that was funny Probably because I was watching this at 4 Because the whole thing With some little marijuana running through

My lung capillaries Well, I think also Because the entire thing was ridiculous I mean, speaking of the exorcist I mean, this should not have been a baptism This should have been an exorcism I mean, maybe that'll be next season The arc for next year is that they have to get the demons out of Tamra

I would like to see that That is my real conspiracy theory That she knows this is a lie Everybody knows it's a lie The arc for next year is that they have to get the demons out of Tamra. I would like to see that. That is my real conspiracy theory, that she knows this is a lie. Everybody knows it's a lie. But next year, she wants to throw a bigger party for her return to Satan party. Her head's going to start spinning and spewing pea soup soon enough. She's going to show up wet, and then she's just going to have rental stylists blow dry her. She's just going to yell, that's my opinion! And her head's going gonna yell that's my opinion and her head's gonna turn

around 300 180 degrees and she'll vomit on everyone and she'll walk down a staircase upside down to celebrate my return to Satan batch I'm opening a dry cleaning service because

nothing should be cleaned with water nothing nothing is forgiven batch and then a priest gets thrown out the window Eddie's still in the back just eating a fucking rice bowl the whole time. Watching on with complete disinterest.

He's like the Pearl of Real Housewives of Orange County. He's just like kind of you always suspect he's chewing something even though you can't prove it. And you know his ass ain't listening to a thing you're saying. He does always look like he has stuff stored in his cheeks, like a little hamster.

You still fighting with Lester, Tamra? So then, so there's like a little bit of a cold war going on because our main women are all chatting by the bar. And Vicky is hanging out with Billy and Billy's girlfriend, Rhonda, and Vicky's not hanging out with the girls. So Megan tries to offer, not really an olive branch, but tries to be welcoming, and she's like, Come join. Do you want a shawl? It's a shawl of justice. Justice!

I mean, I wore a shawl with holes in it, which I guess doesn't make me that smart because I was freezing, but at least I wore a shawl. Yeah, you know, I like to wear the shawl. I think maybe you should wear the shawl with holes in it because it mirrors your story with all of its holes. Knowledge, knowledge to fill in the holes. I don't know why she wouldn't take a shawl. All I was doing was offering her a shawl. I mean, it's like a Christian thing.

It's what they do in the Bible. You know, they extend a shawl at the Olive Garden. Who is this? Who is this? Why sew shawls? I don't even know when this happened, but I have this randomly written in here that it's very important that I mention. When everybody's still arriving in their, you know, diva limos, their diva limos, as they're called here, all the rental limos. Anyway, when they're

arriving, there's a sticker for the Persian party bus on the back. It's like, Carlos, what are your next event? The stickers on the back of these limos have accents. Anyway, they're all on their limos, and then they get out, and she's like, oh, Billy,

it's so good to have you and randa here and he's like oh yeah oh yeah vix oh that was the longest car i ever been and only with your vix she's like oh yeah billy you know you remember when i wanted a boat now that would have been a big car he's like oh yeah but brianna wouldn't let you and so they talk about getting this boat and uh she's like well dunke at got the river house anyway. So, you know, I mean, I guess at least he can't just float away with my money now, you know. And they were talking about all this money in the inheritance. And then she jokes and says, well, I could pay it now. Maybe with Mom's inheritance.

Okay, she made a dead mom joke. Yeah. Going into the religious event. I just, we have to note that because it's what we call foreshadowing. If I don't hit you over the head with a hammer, you won't be numb enough to watch a show in the first place. And why would you even be listening to this podcast? That's right. I'm done.

What are you reading? You're reading your texture now. No, I was listening. Yes, you are. You're reading texture. What is the difference between texture and next issue? Even though that would be a perfect segue to read our ad, I'm not going to do it. I have notes, too.

You want me to go next? No, I have notes. The thing is, I didn't know where yours was going because you went back in time. So I was trying to figure it out. Suddenly, I'm working at a bowling alley. I'm 14 years old. My Aunt Josie yelled at me, and then Tamara got baptized. That was from the bonus episode.

Were you confused? I was waiting to see where it was going, and then it kind of just went to a place that I wasn't sure about. But Vicky did. I really was. Can you talk about it?

David? Well, so, so actually speaking of Vicky, Vicky and Shannon were in a definite cold war. Like they were not talking to each other. And what we've learned. I was also in a cold cut war. Those things were just messing with me, Missy. Too many nitrates. Too many, David.

David, the power of Dr. Moon compels you to remove these nitrates. So, you know, the Cold War. So on Vicky's end, she doesn't understand why Shannon hasn't returned her call in like three weeks, which is pretty bad. Shannon's making it seem like Vicky's doing all the damage. But I think it's actually pretty bad that Shannon has not returned Vicky's calls because you kind of can't do this even if vicky called you if vicky said like you were being nasty or whatever you i don't know i don't think that you can just um ice it out i think that just like makes it worse you know you have to talk it out talk about shannon's version of what vicky said to her i mean i guess vicky was vicky lost her

mind i don't she what did she say to Shannon? Did I forget that? I don't even remember. The issue is that after that luncheon, Vicky sent Shannon a text that was like, that was like, you're being nasty, I need you to be a friend

and not be nasty, da-da-da-da-da, which then Shannon kind of took that and ran with it, which is like, I can't believe she would say I was nasty. I've always been a friend with her. I've been a friend more than she can say. And then she just doesn't call her back. So I think that's kind of shady. Well, yeah, but Vicky didn't lose her mind on her. I mean, Shannon's making it sound like she came at her with a bat. Shannon provoked that situation.

Yeah, that was when she was like, well, I know you don't want to talk about it, but we need proof, and I don't want to talk about cancer. I'm not saying he has cancer. Wasn't that the thing? Yeah. You know what? The thing is this.

We love Shannon. Shannon provoked that situation, okay? Totally. Shannon sat down. Vicky was having a terrible day. She just got this annoying tax news. And Vicky was like, please, I don't want to talk about it. And Shannon kept talking about it.

And Shannon was acting like she was like, well, the only way I can not talk. Vicky, just fix it. It was a really stupid conversation. I think that Vicky had a right to say, don't do that. Vicky's got a right to tell her to shut the fuck up, honestly. Absolutely. Because she was making every scene that she shot with Vicky every time they went to lunch. And then she did it at Brooks' birthday party dinner thing where she had her fake tears.

I don't want to do this on your birthday, but I have to. I'm not unchecked. Shut up! Oh, that's when she lost her fake tears and I don't want to do this on your birthday but I have no... I'm a hunchick. Shut up! Oh, that's when she lost her mind on her. That was the first time she lost her mind. But yeah, so... She's the one who provokes it every time there's cameras around. She knows what she's doing.

She has provoked it and I think that I think that she does not... she obviously does not believe Brooks but she didn't want to say she didn't believe Brooks and this was the perfect excuse to say she didn't believe Brooks, and this was the perfect excuse for her to be like, well, Vicky is being crazy, I'm going to stop talking to her. I think she just used it as an excuse to stop talking to Vicky.

Yeah, that's what she's been doing the whole time. Yeah, exactly. So I understand why, actually, Vicky is sad about the situation, and I think that Shannon has actually not been a great friend recently and not because the cancer thing i think it's because she was not taking vicky's calls i don't think that's a nice thing to do shannon you know in a season of people just fucking each other oh i mean they always do but it was pretty dark this season and shannon even topped the gross cancer stuff which i totally believe by the, that he doesn't have cancer, obviously.

But she even topped that when she threw down the even bigger gauntlet of Brooks. Because this isn't the first time she said it, where she said, the question isn't if Brooks had cancer. Who cares? It's when did Vicky know? Because now she's the one who's saying Vicky's known this whole time and she's been faking it for Brooks. And that's when she's really thrown it down. And she's done it in a very passive aggressive way and, you know, spread everybody else to spread it for her. Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah, she's the bad one. She's the one who's made it dirty. And she would always say, I haven't made it dirty. I've just been reacting. And Vicky could have ended this. Vicky could have ended this vicky could have ended this acting as if like actually you know the way you ended is that all of you just shut up and just agree that you think that brooks is faking

it and then just like move on you know we talked about this a little bit on the patty stanger show but the things that are coming out about this are so fucking gross. Vicky's starting a detox business. She's starting some kind of a, she went on, you know how everybody uses their Instagram as their grassroots marketing, you know, or their marketing department period. So she was on there and she's like,

Oh, thank God. Break from hashtag job to go on lovely cleansing. Hashtag detox vacation. Cause you cleansing. Hashtag detox vacation. Because, you know, everybody needs to detoxify. It's like she's hashtagging everything. Detox, detox. I'm detoxifying.

Detox. And then something comes out that she's starting a fucking detoxing business. You see, Megan, you can say people can say what they want, but she's not wrong. And she totally called it. That bitch is going to not only lie about it, but she's going to and she totally called it that bitch is gonna not only lie about it but she's gonna make money off of it which explains the whole fucking thing absolutely lame

lame if you have cancer go get chemo okay that's been your public service announcement yeah well so speaking of which it wouldn't be an episode without another gigantic hole in Brooks' cancer theory. So now a new story has emerged.

And Heather doesn't like this story because it drags Terry into it. So she's pretty much going around this entire party telling everyone about it. She's like, well, there's this story going around that apparently one night Brooks was so sick that he called Terry to call a colleague to administer an IV to go over to their house and administer an IV in the middle of the night,

which is already a bullshit story because as Terry says later, you know, in a situation like that, you go to the emergency room. You don't like get a house call from a doctor. He was going to go to the hospital,

but he got three flat tires. I mean, whatever. The hospital closes. You know how they are. You know, they're just like Quiznos, always closing at like 9pm. Hospitals. No one's ever there.

So, this was, so, I guess apparently Vicky told this to Brianna, and then it's been around around because Shannon's like, I heard that. I heard that around. But, but so, so no, Heather's, it never happened that Terry never got a call in the middle of the night to go call a colleague to administer an IV. To be fair, everyone's acting like it would be so crazy. We know that Terry has a stockpile of Resorvitrol.

That's true. He's selling it in his fucking face cream why wouldn't brooks call him he's like could you uh terry hi this is brooks i thought it might be pertinent and uh a successful venture for the both of us if we took a moment to talk could you bring some moisturizer and pump it into my spinal fluid thank you yeah ring the bell vicky you'll get it meanwhile you know that the real story is probably that it was like 2 a.m and he called for like a pizza you know that's it's like well i didn't have pancreatic cancer i had pancreatitis and i didn't technically call terry to call a doctor to give me an iv because i was so sick i did call papa john's though so actually i will i did call terry that night and the reason i called him is because i thought it might be uh successful for both of us to play some keno

so if he misunderstood that that you know that's up to him but misunderstandings happen they're they're a part of speed bumps in the road of life I said, I need someone to come over here and give me an application to an Ivy League school because I'm sick about the state of my education. That's what I said. And I think that maybe he misinterpreted. And I didn't call Terry Dubrow. I called Terry at Papa John's. I said, Terry, we need to talk about, Terry, we need to talk about, Terry, we need to talk about,

you got to get out of Papa John's, you got to get to Ivy League schools to come over here with a pizza. We'll talk about it, because I am sick about your job. I might sound a little confused on the details, but that's what cancer does. I've had it five times.

And each brand of it, you know, has treated my brain chemistry in different ways. And I didn't say I have pancreatic cancer. What I said is I have a pan. And also, let's talk about creation. Let's create some answers. So I said, I got a pan. Create answers. All right, fine.

I don't have pancreatic cancer. I just have pancakes. That's it. They shared a syllable. I think that people just are misinterpreting the things I'm saying. I specifically remember Terry coming over because remember he said it smelled like a petting zoo, Vicky? Oh, no, no. That was Brianna.

Oh, right. Never mind. I was confused. It's a cancer. You know, what I was talking was it was cold and I needed a Terry cloth robe. So I said, can someone get me a Terry cloth robe? But, you know, since I'm from Alabama, we just call him a Terry down there. So someone call it, but get me a Terry.

That's what I said. Vicky's favorite thing to do when she's in deep shit when she can't leave, because you know the producers are like, um, it's the season finale, you're staying. Because she keeps going, I'm going! I'm gonna get my see-through nonchalant, get out of here! I'm gonna freeze in my car!

So, uh, her other favorite thing to do when she can't leave is to bring someone else to fight for her. The most famous example of this is the bunco party. Wasn't that her friend who was like, girl, that old queen who was like trying to tell off Gretchen or something? Yes. So funny. And she also gets like the least witty, most broken. Sorry, queen.

If you're listening to this, I don't mean you, but I do. gets like the least witty most broken sorry queen if you're listening to this i don't mean you but i do uh she gets like the most broken down lamest ass people who cannot fight for her it's like putting the wrong fighter in the ring well before you before you get to what i think you're gonna get to about the fighting but there was some other stuff before that oh i had just written down that uh we meet uh ronda right no this is before this is pre-Rhonda. Oh, okay. After Heather is telling this whole story that's going

on, then Megan bursts out with a new theory. Accurate, by the way. Totally, totally accurate. And it actually, to me, sounded very much like a Ronnie Karam theory, which is not a bad thing. They were like, why would he do this? And she's like a ronnie carom theory um which is not a bad thing um because they were like why would he do this and she's like well i have a theory that um if you're sick you don't have to pay child support and he's got four children so this way he doesn't have to

pay child support and he gets everyone's goodwill uh yeah and he's known for not paying his child support that's a huge huge thing like he's had a lot of run-ins with the law and that's why they call him crooks and also megan and i share that theory because we also share a bookmark on secret our stupid housewives uh love that it's so good for calling out shit like that yeah and yeah they've been saying that for years it's yeah so then um so then as we start moving towards meeting Rhonda. Oh, and she added. I'm sorry, Ben, to interrupt you.

But she added in this. Yeah, you know, because he owes a lot of child support. And so not only does he not have to pay, but now everybody's going to feel sorry for him. Like, who's going to question that? Who's going to be mean to somebody with cancer? Yep. Totally true. No, I mean, Megan is a a really unpleasant person but she's not wrong

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Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, When they hear the words Black History. Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

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So, what do you mean I'm unpleasant? If the soyaki doesn't taste good, just add more salt. God. It's not meant for this. I'm sorry, I'm not Chinese. Alright, just eat your cashew chicken, Haley. We're friends now. I tried to be chinese but then china was like no so here i am alone i tried to be chinese but then i was reading about china

and there's like not a lot of truth that happens there and there's definitely not a lot of justice so i can't be chinese um where are we now are we okay so now know why I'm so excited because nothing even happens in the part I wrote down. I just put Vicky at the bar bitching to Rhonda. Well, no, because what happens is that because Vicky is now talking to Rhonda and the women are talking together and they're all... They're like in these two little groups.

Yeah, they're cutting back and forth. They're like, guys, let's not ambush. Let's not ambush. Because they're like, no, we're not going to go up to her. We're not going to ambush. We're not going to ambush. And Megan's like, no, we're not going to go up to her. We're not going to ambush. We're not going to ambush. And Megan's like, I don't feel uncomfortable at all. I'm just asking educated questions.

All I care about are facts. And I have facts. So, like, what are you going to do? Argue with facts? Nope. Okay. I'm ready. Where do I go?

Point me in the right direction. I love when they kept cutting back to Vicky bitching to this Rhonda woman. Because the minute you see her, you just know that she's – you can recognize the broke-down ass people that Vicky has on her side. Like the non-questioning broke-downs. So I knew right when I saw this. And also my mom's name is Rhonda, and sure, we're a few new ones. So she's bitching to Rhondaonda and she's being such a victim.

I can't believe that they're doing this to me, you know? I mean, they're supposed to be my friends. And the one that hurts me the most is Shannon. We're supposed to be

real, real, true, true, true, real friends. She's hurt me. She is really... It's like, oh, good. Yeah. You can't have a victim party at a fucking Jesus party, okay?

You're all going to lose. Yeah, exactly. Oh, but that never stopped Vicky before. She knows how to do a victim party. Yeah, leave it up to Vicky to try and compete for biggest martyr at a Jesus party. And then, so then what happens is, I think that Vicky does actually walk away, right? When they start to talk to her. That's all Vicky does.

She walks away. She's like, never mind. And then she walks away to the other cash bar. Where are you going? What are you, walking around the lobby of the Marriott? Like, what are you doing? It reminds me of, like, when I had a hamster, and I would make, like, a little hamster maze with blocks,

and the hamster would run through it, and then, like, if the hamster started going in a way I didn't want, I'd just put down another block to block his way. It's like, oh, God, now I've got to turn around and go a different direction now. You just know the producers are just putting down blocks. And now here I am, stuck in this big rolling ball with my own poop dropping on my head.

I can't even walk down the hallway without hitting the walls. Oh, God. She wouldn't even take responsibility for her own shit in a hamster ball. Yeah. That's not mine. Who did that? Who's throwing my feces at me? Who put feces in this hamster ball?

Can't keep anything nice. I wish John had gotten this hamster ball. I could still be on a boat somewhere. On a river. I don't know how much longer I'm supposed to run on this wheel. What do they want from me? Just to run all night long? I mean, this wheel doesn't go anywhere. Just over and over and over again.

What do they want from me? Just to run all night long? I mean, this wheel doesn't go anywhere. It's over and over and over again. Vicky and a hamster wheel. Please never let that image leave my mind. It pretty much works. It really does. I was like, well, we could improve on this, or we could just let it stand as the best idea that we've ever had.

You know, I have things to do, okay? I have to see Brooks. I'm going to climb up this big tube to a little box on top of the cage now, okay? I'll tell you what. I wish I should have eaten my babies. I wish I ate my babies. So, um...

Oh, sorry. I was writing down Vicky Hamster Wheel. I don't know why. And you know what? I'm writing it on a Marlboro pack. Like, what do I think this is going to accomplish? Now there's like some empty Marlboro 100s pack lying around a pile of keyboards that have never been used that says Naked Gun on one side and Vicky Hamster Heel. You know why I feel bad for you, Ronnie?

Because if you were ever to be attacked and lose your memory and you had to memento your life, you would come across this cigarette box and be like, Vicky Hamster Wheel. Who's Vicky? What's the hamster? And you would go in an odyssey that would lead you nowhere. Why am I painting a bowling alley for the third time? You will be so confused. You're going to show up

in Kota Nakaza and be like, Mom, is that you? Oh, God, I don't know who this is. How does Robert Goulet know OJ Simpson? What is happening? That's a bonus episode reference, by the way, for everyone. So if you want... It's a big, long conversation.

If you don't know what that's all about, you should subscribe on Patreon and find out about Ronnie's past the robert goulet and painting bowling alleys because it's really interesting or other memories you don't care about come to patreon.com what's crapping somehow our bonus episode somehow weaves together faye resnick oj simpson robert goulet ron Ronnie painting a bowling alley, and disgusting sandwiches and strippers. In other words, it's great. You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a pie sandwich.

In the bonus episode this week. So while Vicky walks off, essentially, Again, to nowhere. While she's making a circle in the lobby going nowhere. Yeah, while the producers are putting up blankets to stop her, like a bull, Billy is left with the women. They're putting bills.

They're putting bills right in front of her. She's like, no! They're putting an unemployment check right in front of her. She's like, no, I will not pass that. I will work! It is basically like animal control. You know when there's a cow in the street for some reason and they need to herd it?

They get the nets out. Vicky's in the lobby, the nets are out. She's like, no! Remember those two llamas? Remember the gray llama? Or the alpacas? Black alpaca and white alpaca running through Scottsdale, that's what this is, and the animal control's got the nets out, herding her back towards the pool, so, um, Billy is left with women, and he's kind of, like, he's trying to actually speak their language, and try, and he's, like, he's, like, listen, you know, you

know, all that she's thinking is, you know, like, this is the man that I love, and, you know, he's like, listen, you know, all that she's thinking is, you know, like, this is the man that I love. And, you know, he's got cancer. And they're questioning it. And she's like, you know, are these my friends? And then, of course, all the women are like, we are her friends. We care so much about her. We don't want to take her down at all. No, definitely not Vicky.

Yeah, Billy knows. Billy knows. But he doesn't know how to deal with it, of course. Because he's Vicky. I'm sorry. My mic keeps escaping me. He's Vicky. I'm sorry, my mic keeps escaping me. He's Vicky's, you know, he's had to take care of shit his whole life. So his way is just like go along and get along.

She's always going to make more money than you. You know, at the end of the day, what are you going to do? Who's going to take care of you at the end of the day? The husbands just leave, you know. I mean, Dan just put it around and puffed up some pillows. And then he was gone. At the end of the day, be nice to Vicky. That's all I'm saying, girls.

And Vicky's like, I gotta go. I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings to meet up with Brooks. I gotta go. I gotta go. And so then Heather's like, no, I'm going to talk to her before she leaves. I'm going to talk. So you think that Heather's going to say, be like, Vicky, come on. We want you to stay.

Instead, she's like, why are you leaving? Why? Why? Why? Why? Just like attacking her. I was like, that's not how you handle Vicky. Nope.

Are you talking about Shannon or Heather? I missed the first part. Heather went to. Oh, yeah. Heather. And she was like, why? Why? Why are you leaving?

Why? Where are you going? Where are you going? How do you solve things if you leave? Leaving. I wish people could see our crab hands. How are you going to solve things? That's not how things are solved.

What you do, you go to dinner, you order, and you smile, and you remind that person that you love them. And then you get really awkward when they don't like your art. Okay, that's how you do it. I mean, that's your relationship. My right. Can you see my hands? Grab the relationship out of the air. Grab each letter at a time.

Yeah. If you don't want to, you gotta put some tape around my claws like they do in the supermarket. Otherwise you can grab it. Oh, no. So did... Who told... Okay, here's my notes. Let me just tell you. Heather, Shannon, Megan. Okay, we already did this, I think. If you have the

inability to work, okay, we did that. If that's the case, the biggest fool is the biggest dupe in this entire story. Shannon B. Doran. Dupe of the century. If you're a big dupe with a piece of plastic up your ass, look at me, because that's who I am. Don't douche. Dupe.

That's what everybody does to me. Not me, dear. Well, not you, David. David, don't talk about that right now. What do you call a big dupe with a cheating husband And plastic up her ass and two thumbs This guy, me Shannon Bedore

So well Shannon is pleading her case To Billy and Rhonda And she's talking, she's like you know I thought we were friends I thought we were friends And then she gives a document, she gives it to Tamara And it was an illegible document with no spaces in it. No spaces. Could you imagine?

No space bar? I mean, I can't even believe it. David. David. The only person who does not allow to use spaces is David when he makes his emails to his mistress on Gmail. David. David. No space bar for you.

Well, you know who uses all those? You know who writes like that? It's Vicky because she doesn't want to take time out from working to put spaces in her emails what a coincidence so anyway what i just wanted to say was of course he has can't like hello vicky that's my new theory vicky made that email and she's used to writing with no spaces because she doesn't want to take a break at work there you go it's a time saving thing proof yeah um well so then so So while Shannon's going on and on, we have to talk a little bit more about this Billy and Shannon because this was

so good. It's not just Shannon going on because you've got Billy who's like the biggest apologist in the world and he's like, well, she showed me the letter. Didn't she show you guys the letter? Did you see it? He just showed it to me this morning. I was trying to eat pancakes. He said, speaking of pancreatic cancer, here's my results.

And I saw him. And at the top, they said, we're old. So, you know, it's real. And Shannon's like, well, here's why I'm upset. One time, we went to lunch. And I was trying to be a good friend. And Vicky shot me in the face. She shot me.

I'm dead. My face is dead. Do you see my face? Hmm. Dooped. Shannon B. Dorr. Here's why. Here lies Shannon B. Dorr.

Vicky did it. Jesus. It's so much. And then, are we getting to when Rhonda gets nasty or that comes later? Well, no. The first thing before Rhonda gets really nasty is that Rhonda is basically like, well, because there's something about the past two weeks. I think Rhonda is, because Vicky, oh, because Shannon's like, well, for there's something about, like, the past two weeks. I think Rhonda is, because

Shannon's like, well, for the past two weeks, Vicky has been terrible. And so Rhonda's like, oh, for the past two weeks, two weeks, and how long has Brooks had cancer? How long has Brooks had cancer? And then that's when Shannon starts to get really huffy. She's like, Rhonda, for you to suggest that I haven't been a good friend?

Who are you, Rhonda? And then she lists all in the way that only Shannon B. Doerr can do. She lists everything that she's done for you and this family. Because that's how she rolls. And it was so funny watching Rhonda even try and understand. Because not the sharpest tool in the shed. I mean, the woman was just like a mess of bad bangs and clothes that were on the floor at Ross.

Like, we all know it. Let's just admit it. She was not ready to fight. And Shannon, well, I'll tell you what I did. When I first met Vicky, I said, we're both fairies! And we both wear the same dresses. Then, we had lunch together. Then, we realized we both had

blonde hair. Then, it's like, oh my god. It's like listing all of the non-things that have proven your friendship. You have never swum an ocean for Vicky. Shut the fuck up, lady. Get out of here. Yeah, because it became this whole thing of, like, Vicky was there for you, and you weren't there for Vicky, and

like, why should she have to, oh, you know what it was? She said, she said, why, like, why should she have to ask for you to be there for her? She said, well, I did not, like, because, because Shannon was doing her whole thing about City of Hope, which is a legit point that she gave these, she arranged stuff for City of Hope and whatever and da da da. And then, I don't know, there was just something where, like, they were saying, like, why does Vicky have to ask for your support? Why does Vicky have to ask for your support? Oh, it was Rhonda saying that. Yeah, Rhonda saying that.

Yeah. Well, if she's your friend, then she shouldn't have to ask you for your oh yeah she said why didn't you support her well I didn't know well yeah because you didn't answer a call for three weeks first of all so you didn't know but also Rhonda saying when you you know if your boyfriend had cancer you don't just question it and even though she's terrible she's right in a way i mean look girl code is listening to your girlfriend's problems even if her problem is that she's with a guy that she had to buy teeth and fakes cancer i mean your job is to nod and just say oh well good luck to you too i just want you to be happy that's your job i think personally i think if i have a really close friend and their

boyfriend whatever is if it's dubious i I would be like, that's fucked up. I don't know if I believe it, but I'm not going to necessarily defend the boyfriend. But what I would say is, guys, give it a break. Vicky's going through a hard time. You know, just give it a break. Who knows what the truth is? It's not up to us. If he's lying, he's lying.

And then if she's made out to be a fool later if it comes out that brooks is faking it and shannon looks like a fool then take that up with vicky then but don't kill the friendship because you don't want to look like a fool you know like that honestly she's breaking up the friendship not based on all of these little things but she's breaking up the friendship because she knows that vicky's lying about her boyfriend having cancer in order to cash in and have a business. Who the fuck wants to be friends with someone like that? That's disgusting.

I mean, that is low. Who does that? It is, though. It's like the lowest. Even for Bravo, it's low. And so I think Shannon's sick of it. She's like, why am I being friends to this hag? Everybody hates her for a reason. She's a fucking liar. But she should either be upfront about that

or like, but don't be like, oh, but like, I'm good. If you're going to say you're a good friend. Well, that's how she does everything. So that's probably how she grocery shops. I'm sorry. I know that you're busy. I can see that you're busy. But I'm looking for pecans.

I've always trusted your pecans and they've moved. So they're in a different aisle. I guess it's confused Shannon day. If anyone's duped in the nut aisle, it's Shannon. Well, the former nut aisle. Should I say that? Someone moved the nuts. Jeez, lady.

Christ. They're like by the register now. Okay. Healthy people want a snack too. So then this all leads to the biggest line, which is when Rhonda says, well, she didn't ask to see the records when you thought your husband was cheating on you. Ugh. Which is

a funny line. It's also totally out of, like, it's not. It doesn't make any sense. It's, like, not contextual. Well, she basically was saying when she didn't doubt your issues. She just was blindly supportive of you. Well, guess what?

David's mistress was on the cover of Us Magazine. I've done 90 interviews about it. So that's the difference. Vicky's not producing proof, and I've produced plenty. I have a Gmail account, an iChat. I have produced map locations where David has taken his mistress.

I have had three waitresses and Applebee's fired mostly because they squeezed lime into a plate instead of my drink which you asked for that but that's another story I have evidence! I mean that is a huge difference though those fights don't even make sense Shannon has put forth every bit of evidence and on top of that

there's a ton of empirical data okay there's a lot of witnesses you know unlike the fact that there's been ton of empirical data. Okay? There's a lot of witnesses. You know, unlike the fact that there's been no one who's seen Brooks do chemo or whatever, there's been a lot of people who've seen Date with a Mistress. Meanwhile, you know that Ron... Date with a Mistress?

Well, Shannon... Why bother me, Dan? I'm sorry. I didn't even make a joke. What? Oh, I thought you were talking about a movie. No, I'm sorry. I didn't even make a joke. What? Oh, I thought you were talking about a movie. No, I was just I said you. No, I'm like, wow, I made a joke. I wasn't even trying. I was picking something up off the floor and I was like, I missed a good

one. You know, you heard like bits and pieces and you just filled in, you filled in all the blanks, just like Vicky did with all those words without spaces. So, no, but then, so the best though, out of all, even though Rhonda was really out of line and it was a low blow,

it was worth it to see Shannon just lose her mind because she has really not lost her mind the way she did last season. She's like, you have a hell of a fucking lot of nerve, girl. Oh, so, so good. She's like, that Rhonda bitch? Yeah, she turns right around to David. David, this Rhonda bitch? He's like, right around to David. David, this Rhonda bitch?

He's like, dear, dear, is this causing psychological debris to get stuck in your butt cavity, which I will have to get later? Okay, dear, keep it going, dear. Yeah. What you? Well, what I love is that, like, then Shannon's enough. She's like, I'm going to say something to Vicky. I'm going to say something to Vicky. And she starts marching towards Vicky.

And David literally just goes, Shannon, Shannon. He doesn't go after her to stop her and he's just like, eh, as long as it's not me, right? Hey, what's going on, lady? Did you notice that right before she stomped towards Vicky, she's telling all the girls, that's it, I'm gonna talk to her. Shannon Bedore has been duped. And she

pulls off her jewelry like a chola in a schoolyard. I was like, girl, she just pulled off those diamonds and she did it because that shit is real. She's like, girl, she just pulled off those diamonds. And she did it because that shit is real. She's like, I'm not getting blood on my diamonds. And then she walks up to, then she marches up to Vicky. Vicky, meanwhile, is now talking to Heather because

Heather's like, well, there's this story going around that Brooks called Terry. And then Vicky has such a bad liar voice. Whenever she lies, she's like, I don't know. I never said that. That's not true. That's not true. Because when Vicky is telling the bad liar voice. Whenever she lies, she's like, I don't know. I never said that. That's not true.

That's not true. Because when Vicky is telling the truth, she screams. If she feels like someone's lying, she screams. But if she's lying, she's like overly placid. No, no. I don't know. I don't know. The calm.

When the calm comes over, you know she's lying. And her eyes kind of half close and she starts shifting around. Like, her eyes start darting back and forth. And she usually makes an O sound with her lips. Yeah. Like, she's thinking, like, what? Like, I would say what, but I can't even form the words because what you're saying is so, it's just so, what? She gets this, like, high-pitched angelic voice.

No. No. No. No, I don't know. I don't know. That's, I don't know. No, I don't know. I don't know. That's, I don't know. No, I don't know. So in the middle of this, Shannon walks up and goes,

that you would tell her what's going on in my life? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being such a good friend and ruining my secret that nobody knew about, except for anybody with a supermarket with a magazine rack, or anybody that I've told. Told on this nationally broadcast television show that we were both on. Thank you.

We'd like to... Hello, ma'am. Sorry to call you. Who's this? Well, we're just calling to do a survey about your recent Time Warner experience. What? Who? I'm in the car with my children. Ma'am, we just need to ask you a few questions. Oh, really? Me? Me? Well, David.

David cheated. Oh, jeez. it's not all an interview about your shit marriage all right lady yeah so paper or plastic i don't know what did david use with his mistress because he cheated on me oh shannon b door it's like hi shannon how's it going cheated on that's how it's going by dav Okay, so here's where I have to mention The brilliance that is the internet Because A good friend of ours on the Facebook page And I can't even bring it up now because it's in the private message

Last night I was cruising the Facebook page For some juicy morsels And of course someone posted one for us And it was Shannon Bedore on Facebook Did you watch this? by the way I posted it I watched it, did you watch it? I didn't watch it, I can start playing it

what a mistake, I should have sent you a text it's amazing, Shannon goes on I'll play some of it we won't do the whole thing, we'll just do the beginning hold on, we can talk over it I'm loading it up she goes apeshit, it says Shannon B.

Dorr, and she's in her lens crafters, or not her lens crafters, like her what do you call that? Not department store. Pearl Vision. Like a Rite Aid or whatever. The reading glasses how they make your eyes look. Anyway, she's like, I'm in my reading glasses. This is serious.

I'll just play it. What is she reacting to, though? The finale. The season finale last night. This was last night. Did anyone watch What Happens Live? I'm so freaking livid right now, I want to start swearing. So I texted a comment

to Andy that Vicky, at the day of the baptism, didn't know that I had told Heather and Tamara. She found out after the baptism because the day after the baptism, she called Tamara and said, I was the only one that knew about the infidelity. And Tamara said, no, actually, Shannon told us on the last day of filming before the baptism. So she can F off. She's a freaking liar.

And she can look right in the camera and clearly after 10 years thinks that she can say whatever she wants. So I'm just really disappointed that I wrote a statement and she cut Andy off because the last part was Tamara

can confirm all of this. Oh yeah, because that's a reliable thing to do. Hello, did, because that's a reliable thing. Nobody asked her a question. Hello, did you not just see the finale? She clearly got caught in a lie that Terry came over and gave an IV. She's confronted about, did he get a PET scan? Because they don't do PET scans. And she told my secret when she says in Tah tahiti i'll never ever betray you shannon

she did and no one my secret that i told on tv i am so done with her it's on it's on my friend my ex-friend it is on good good elaboration yeah uh david's meanwhile in the foyer because i don't know what the hell she must have had some agreement that Good elaboration. David's meanwhile on the foyer. Chandler's going up and down. You can go online. Because I don't know what the hell. She must have had some agreement that wouldn't take any bad questions. Yes. Excuse me. I would like to have a no bad question agreement.

Thank you. She's a nightmare. I got to tell you. It's not yet. I have DirecTV. So we get it. We get it earlier. I love her. Romina.

Yeah, Vicky's living in denial. I don't like this. Romina. You get it, Romina. She can say whatever she wants on the camera and everyone's going to leave it. All right, Periscope, Romina gets it. That's all I need. You just watch.

You tune into the reunion because so much stuff comes out. It's off the chain. Off the chain. It is. But we'll see if they include that, too, because maybe they'll cut it all out at this point all i know is i was there for a 19 hour day and they better show what really happened and the truth is always the truth and i think you're seeing the truth will come out uh the truth well i'm missing my friendship she called me a tv friend before we started filming she called us all tv friends on Watch What Happens Live.

I don't think you guys understand that for four months prior to filming this year, I was calling her. Why did you betray a friend, Vicky? Oh, I think you were talking to Vicky. It's not you again, Romina. Should I pause this? She's rambling now.

She's just reading the Periscope things and pissed. So apparently for a 19 hour day, they confront Vicky at the reunion. I want to say she looks really good. Shannon? Yeah, she looks great. On her periscope.

Oh, she looks like she's just going to bed. Like ready for bed, right? I'm saying she's like 51 years old and thinks she looks really good. It's reading glasses sexiness. Not only will I not have sex with you, but I will also read while you're staring at the ceiling. We're so happy. It's called armadillo injections. Wait, what was it?

I said it's called armadillo injections. Look into it, Vicky. Wait, what was it? I said it's called Armadillo Injections. Look into it, Vicky. I don't like seeing her singing to this level of being like, it's on, it's on. Oh, it's over.

My ex-friend. It's like a really petty, sad, immature level that, I don't know. I just don't like singing to it. It's like you realize that you're a cartoon on a fucking Housewives show, right? Are you seriously that mad in your Richie Rich house with your fucking husband on your hot husband hanging from a moving chandelier? Like, lady, really? You need bigger problems because she is a liar. But I don't know the outrage. The thing I'm always disappointed in is how when I meet people, not all of you obviously, but a lot

of reality people, when you meet them is just the they take it seriously. It's very real and it's very important. It's like, no, the fun is that it's not important, but they don't get that. Which I guess is why they're fun.

So at the party Shannon is losing her mind, and she's going, she said everything to everybody. My good friend Vicky told everyone about the secret I said on national TV. Everyone, everyone knows. She told everybody right before the TV guy did.

Meanwhile, I love this pastor he comes he's like yo so should I like try to intervene and try to smooth things over maybe I can't just sit down when my board shorts are wet because I'll chafe so I could like totally help that screaming

chipmunk lady should I follow her no no no whoa Whoa, whoa. I'm going to do it. This is what Jesus would do. He'd get in the middle of screaming women. This pastor had no idea what he was getting himself into. So he goes up to Vicky and she's like, no, no, I'm fine.

I just, you know, they're just terrible women. They're just terrible, evil women. That's all. That's all. She's like, not one person has called to say, how are you doing, Vicky? Not one. And then Tamara's like, except you. Except you. But not one person has called to say, how are you doing, Vicky? Not one. And then Tamara's like, except you. Except you.

But not one person, except Tamara, has called me. You're done. My mom died. This is where she sinks to another low Vicky with her, my mom died when she was just making jokes about it 20 minutes ago or so. You might remember when I pointed that out with a hammer on your head. Anyway, she's like, my mom died. Who was there?

Who was there standing at the wall saying, hey, do you want to miss Vicky? Who? No one. No one. Were you at City of Hope?

I'm like, no, neither were you. That's the point, Vicky. You never fucking were. When were you ever at City of Hope? Why are you even bringing that up right now?

It's like she's using mom death and someone else's non-cancer as her own victim status. Like can't be a victim of brooks's cancer if it's not even real like if you're gonna be a victim choose yeah properly you well she goes on like is it honestly about dick like just having company at the end of the day because that's what everyone says vicky's just too afraid to be alone and she doesn't want to be alone is she just that lonely i mean yeah come on well i mean it's funny because while the pastor's there she goes from from indignation to outrage to then pity all in

the span of like three seconds because then she's like why isn't one calling me and she's like i'm not doing good i miss my mom more than anything. I know Jesus and I know the truth. And you know what? I'm good with it. I'm good with it. I just need a hug. I just need a hug.

It's like Jesus woman. Who's going to hug me? Who's going to hug me? Look at me. I'm Jesus. She literally does that. She says that. She passed your mic. Okay.

She screams it. She throws her arms wide open like she's on the crucifix. And she said, I'm Jesus. I'm just like Jesus. You know what happened to him? He got crucified. And here I am being crucified. Yeah.

The pastor was like, I'm going to go check out on the bolinos across town. So I'll see you later. He's like, I have some coupons for a bouncy playground. It's just a playground of trampolines. Sounds totally safe taking my kids. Pray for us. He's like, listen, I think there's a game going on at Buffalo Wild Wings, so I'm gonna head that way.

So then, I'm Jesus. Just cruisin'. Yes, that's just what happened to Jesus. He lied about Peter's cancer so that he could start a business selling fucking wine to people. Jesus' cancer lie is the only reason

there was ever Franzia. Don't doubt him! So then, at this point, Shannon and the other girls come out, and then Shannon is now yelling at Vicky Anu, and she's like, how dare you? How dare you? I've been nothing but a friend to you. Nothing. So then Vicky's like, well, why don't you turn my phone calls? And then Shannon

says, because I'm done with you dragging me into this. What? You did not get dragged into this. You will willingly put yourself in the middle of the cancer conspiracy. I'm sorry, Shannon. You've got your fingers in a bad weave right now

holding onto Vicky's goddamn head You she did not Say what you will about the cancer but Vicky did not drag you Into it at all No so the woman who mentions it every Scene she's in when she's not talking about How else she's been wronged in life Get out of here

Maybe she's saying that she doesn't like being An accomplice to the lie But If you're saying dragged into it saying that she doesn't like being an accomplice to the lie, but if you're saying dragged into it, Shannon was not dragged into it. She put herself into it. And then, of course, then Vicky was like...

You're right, though, what you just said, how it is all context because she could have been saying, you're dragging me into this whole thing. What am I supposed to go and pretend that Brooks has cancer and be friends with you? I'm not doing that. I's I mean if that's what she means and of course you know on her side but if she's saying you're trying

to bring this up on camera then and then Vicky you know as evidence of her great being of her being such a wonderful friend she then says something she then goes when nobody else liked you I was there for you which is such a back friend, she then says something. She then goes, when nobody else liked you, I was there for you, which is such a backhanded

thing to say. When no one liked you, everyone hated you because you're awful. I was still friends with you. I took on the charity case. You think these girls wanted to be friends with you? You didn't even wear a brat at the first party we met at. And you stole a chair!

And then Heather jumps into the ludicrous ring. And then in her interview, she says, You cannot talk about people's business without their permission. It's uncool, says Heather. Town gossip. Now, let me finish what I was telling you about how Reba organizes her notes. And then Vicky, once again, is like once again is like i'm getting she's like i

gotta get out of here she's like i need to be around positive people who believe in jesus oh my god which could be anti-semitic by the way that could be an anti-semitic remark but i know well or completely narcissistic because she just wants people who believe her because she is jesus she just said it. I'm Jesus! And nothing says going to be amongst God, fearing God, worshipping godly people, than watching Floyd Mayweather punch someone in the face. Really,

I think that's really the crux of what Jesus wanted for his followers is to have some wife-beating, slut-shaming asshole dude taking in tons of everyone else's money. Yes, yes, yes, Vicky, go do that. Ordering dominoes from Newport Imaging.

So then Vicky gets into her limo, and the newly baptized Tamara, who is all about following the Christian way, then goes into the limo to politely confront Vicky about the PET scan, about this, about that. And let's remember back to the flashback well there wasn't one but in my mind there was the flashback of the Cut Fitness opening

when Tamara had a party and bullied Alexis and then Alexis ran outside and almost tripped on the warped floor and sobbed in a stretched rented limo with a Persian sticker on the back while trying and sobbed in a stretched rented limo with a persian sticker on the back while trying to make everybody think she's a bully so so similar and now it's you vicky

now it's you so um i just loved that tamra freshly baptized is once again stirring the pot um about the pet scan and then that's when vicky's like i I don't know. I was in Oklahoma. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Well, Tamara was not going to let her go. She's like, okay, look, you're going to avoid the scene. I see that they finally let you pass the tape batch. But you're not leaving before

you know that here's the deal. Here's the logline. Brooke doesn't have cancer. Everybody knows that you told a lie about Terry going over to the thing, and the thing is the thing and the lie about cancer the end argue with all of that in two seconds and Vicky what does she do the oh face

the pursed lip oh face like she's thinking where her tongue is like pointing and hitting both sides of her lips and looking around and talking very slowly and looking confused what? I don't know I mean that's the point I don't know I wasn What? Well, I don't know. I mean, that's the point. I don't know. I wasn't in town, Tamara.

I don't know if it was there. It could have been John Hodgkin's. It could have been Hodgkin, Haper, Dackle, Dinkledoo. Jesus, that's never TV! And then in the meantime, then she throws Brianna under the bus. Like, you know, Brianna's a shitster. You know, good mothering there.

Yeah, Brianna's a shitster, and she wanted to ruin Brooks, and now she did it. That's what she said. You see, that's why Brianna, a shitster, you know, good mothering there. Yeah, Brianna's a shitster and she wanted to ruin Brooks and now she did it. That's what she said. You see, that's why Brianna, everybody's like, why is Brianna so mean to her mom? She's not mean. She knows that she's being fake for cameras and she's not going to do it. And she's telling her, no, you don't get to come in and buy me a fucking car and act like you're a good mother. When you're like fucking some guy who's faking cancer so you can start a business and whatever the fuck else you're doing.

And then the first second we get Vicky finally so mad that she's letting her filter off. I mean, she did just scream Jesus. But still, letting her filter off a little bit. The first thing she does is like, oh, that's Brianna trying to ruin Brooks. It's all Brianna's fault at the end of the day. Yes. It's all Brianna's fault at the end of the day. Yes.

So then finally Vicky drives off, which gives us an opportunity to destroy some slang even more as Shannon says, Bye, Felicia. So, I mean, even if it weren't already apparent when Kyle Richards and Heather Thompson, I think Kyle Richards said at one point, but as every successive housewife says, Bye, Fel Felicia that slang

just gets driven into the ground I wonder if they knew on the set of Friday what they were creating in that moment and I like that it's not even from that anymore now it's like a white rich lady thing from Real Housewives of New York I know meanwhile Shannon's like it's my favorite

slang because Felicia's the name of the only person he didn't bang. David, that is. Well, I can't say bye, Amanda. That one's shot. Yeah. Have you ever tried to look at one of those key ring things in the airport gift shop? Can't do it.

So then the... So then the... Imagine her just having a nervous breakdown trying to find a name that David hasn't bugged. God bless her. So then the entire... I guess no one's going to have a ring for their keys. Thanks a lot, David!

So then the entire season ends with everyone pretty much proclaiming how much they go to church. Everyone's like, if I didn't go to church every Saturday, well, if I didn't go to church, well, thank God I go to church. And then Shannon says, there are so many times in my life where I would get on my knees and I would see Jesus say, I would say, Jesus, I need you.

And he would come. I'm like, who's coming? When I always got the impression from a bunch of phonies when I was growing up that they would say things like that. You know, whenever I need something, I just ask Jesus. He always comes through. Like, Jesus is your dependable friend who's just there to give you money when you need it

or, like, save your house when it needs, you know. He's just there. Just call Jesus. Like, well, you know, I called Jesus, and he showed up, so there you go. That's all I need. Now, Jesus, there's a friend. There's someone I'd answer the phone for.

Jesus isn't lying on TV. He never did that. So, you know, God bless him. He's sort of like a task rabbit. A task rabbit. You just call him up on your app and say, Jesus, I need help here. And he comes over and he does it for you. You just pay him. You pay him with devotion every hour.

Oh, you don't need to make a... At the end of the day, you don't need to make a wish, Brooks. That's day, you don't need to make a wish, Brooks. That's the lesson. You just need to call Jesus. You've got unlimited wishes. Just call him. He'll be right there. I'll have to fake cancer for that. Who fakes cancer for Jesus? Not Shannon B. Doerr. Definitely not

Shannon B. Doerr. The music, I love that it's always the same. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Just playing over and over. that it's always the same dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun just playing over and over whenever they say how everybody's doing at the end

because the things at the end this year were so so funny it's like Vicky still has a job Brooks dumped her what else was hers I think that's what it was that Brooks moved to Florida yeah Brooks is back in Florida What else was hers? I think that's what it was. That Bricks moved to Florida.

Yeah. Bricks is back in Florida. Vicky is detoxing. Hashtag detox. Yeah. I actually didn't really remember too much of the little notes at the end. Because they were all kind of generic and predictable. Megan was basically justice.

At the end of the day, there was justice, and that's all I need. Tamara, I admire your struggles. Oh, Tamara's having her Jesus-y moment with Shannon and David. She's like, you guys, I really admire you guys as Christians. She go to church on Saturdayss and then you have date nights. Shannon's like, yep, there's a lot of purity. That's our day, right David? David, where are you going? David, come back!

David! Yeah, so that was this. I'm excited to find Jesus and date night. Shannon, forgiveness is amazing. Jesus is great at it. I will never forget Vicky. Whatever. So many times I would get on my knees. Yeah, I said that. Shannon lost 15 pounds.

Brooks wants to see her records. That was cute. This year, Heather, this year was really rough. Do you know how hard it is going through $90 million and still not having a sink faucet? It's weird.

It's hinky. I admit it. It's hinky. Closets are hard. It's so hard. I'm just trying to be everything to everyone. It's so hard to figure out where the marble goes, in the bathroom or the closet. It's hard, hard life.

goes in the bathroom or the closet like it's hard, hard life. And almost as if it knows how fucking beautiful and poetic it is, The Real Housewives ends with Tamara taking a halo off of a cake and eating it. Now,

if that's not a fucking sign from the world above, I don't know what is. Right. Fuck it, I'm eating it. Well, at least she ate it at the proper timing. You know, at least we didn't have another, you know, bow gate. Halo gate.

I'm totally with Jesus, at least for a year, because if I quit, I still have to pay for the whole year. I'm eating this halo, though. Well, who knows? Maybe Tamara can change, because a lot of things change. You know, for instance, next issue has changed its name to Texture. Did you know that? Oh, change!

Yes! Texture is sitting in the break room kitchen eating Halo right now. They said our names! We've told you about our sponsor, Next Issue, and how it's the best way to read all your favorite magazines anytime, anywhere. you and how it's the best way to read all your favorite magazines anytime, anywhere. Well, Next Issue's new name is Texture and it has spectacular new features that make it the best

reading experience around. All access paths to the world's best magazines. Available right on your phone or tablet, browse hundreds of magazines and cherry pick the articles that interest you most. Yeah. They have all sorts of things. They've got Flair Magazine and Maxim and they've got flair magazine and maxim

and they've got lulu and lulu french and interview and boy's life or um ricardo magazine which i don't even know what that is but i can go on to texture and find it the way that texture has gritted these magazines for us is funny because they because they tell little stories. Bike, diabetic, living, golf, Midwest living. That was like a whole story that you just told me, Texture. Texture does great things with these things.

Anyway, people, things you should know is that Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. Think about that. You'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines from back issues to the one on newsstands right now.

So try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. texture.com slash crappins. So thank you, Texture. I know one person who won't be on Texture. Well, you never know. She can run a household. That would be Teresa Giudice.

Because for those of you who were lucky enough to tune in on Brought to Bravo on Sunday night, you got to watch Real Housewives of New Jersey. Teresa checks in. Joe? I'm checking in, Joe. Here is this hour in a nutshell.

Teresa, it's funny. She's in jail, but she still can arrange a party. What can you do? What can you do? What can you do? And then it's like, hey, hey, Joe. Hey, Gia. Gia's your makeup on?

Yeah, mom. Don't let Nana see you with your makeup running. Okay. What can you do? And then they didn't have anything, so they had to insert the lawyer as an actual character who, like, talks as one of the housewives with his uneven row of hair that was taken off the back of his arm and probably his ball sack

and put into a terrible line on the front of his head. And then every time they asked him something, he's like, well, Teresa and Joe, at the end of the day, they're good people. And the point is, Teresa's suffering right now in the prison system. Yeah. She doesn't deserve that.

Meanwhile... Okay, well, thanks for coming by, lawyer. Yeah. Meanwhile, Joe is like, yeah, she's basically in a spa right now. It's basically like a minimum security spa. And the lawyer's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, she's suffering. She's suffering. She's basically suffering right now. And then you'd get like an insert of like Joe Gorga and Melissa. And Melissa would be been like i just want to be there for my nieces like i just want to be i know i'm not number one i know they're gonna like call other people but i want i want to be number one like shut up babe this lady came over today and she rang out the doorbell and she was like hi i have a delivery and she came in and she went to the fridge and she took out sugar cookies and threw them in the trash.

Like, why would Teresa do that from prison, babe? It's like, what, what, what, what, huh, Teresa, what? I love her. We're family. What, huh, what? Joe looks like he's just been in the worst accident of his life. He's confused. He has no idea what's going on in the world around him.

His eyes are just like all over the place. Ha ha. What? Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Jesus Christ, man.

Stop mainlining the steroids, darling. I know. And then his cousin Teresa comes in. So Teresa's helping Joe. And then Teresa brings her husband, Joe. I mean, everyone on this show is named Joe or Teresa. Let's just be honest about it. Everyone.

You can't even tell them apart based on their voices, but this one you can because this is Lockjaw Teresa. She's like, hey, Joe, can you lie here to heal? Yeah, I hope everything's alright over here. Sit tough, Teresa. I brought you some cancer, Walt.

So... Yeah, that's great. Did you slash Melissa's tires on the way over here because she can't come over here? Yeah, I, it's great. Did you slash Melissa's tires on the way over here? Because she can't come over here. Yeah, I did it, Joe. I was taking care of that bitch who involved you. Yeah, that's right. So what? Who cares? Hey, what are you, sliding down the stairs? What are you going to do? Just sliding down the stairs.

What are you going to do? You know, I've cried about like 30 times today, but you know, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? And he says a million times, Teresa, you know what are you gonna do about what are you gonna do and he says a million times theresa you know theresa's the best wife there is she's just a good person like she takes kids he's really laying it on thick because he knows the second she that he goes to jail she's like divorce yeah well she's like we're gonna be together for a long time huh long, we're going to be together for a long time, huh? Long time.

We're going to get old together. And he's like, oh. And then in his interview, he's like, you know, I think what she means is we'll both reach old age at the same time. But we're not going to be like together, together. You know, what can you do? So I was watching this movie in here. And it's called Magic Mike. And it's so good, Joe. It's so good.

These guys are dancing around. And, you know, Joe, it's so good, Joe. And I was thinking about getting old, you know, because I was looking at these guys. And, you know, it made me think of us, Joe. Like, you need abs. You need to get old together. I want to have abs when we're old. Joe, I was watching it, and I kept

imagining your face on your bodies, and I was like, oh, Joe, it's so hot, but I'm so excited, because when I get out of here, you're going to have abs, right? How are those abs coming out? He's sitting on a pile of lemon meringue. He's like, I don't worry about things like me. I don't worry about things like abs. Who cares?

He's getting like 100 pounds, by the way. Well, in midget terms, because that would be a lot more in history in short in uh whatever midget terms okay so that's a lot of weight but yeah he's getting a lot of weight she's like don't abs joe and he's like oh no one cares about it it's what's on the inside i'm on the inside joe oh that's right okay well when you come out of prison you're gonna look so good joe the gym he's amazing you're gonna look so good joe he's gonna go in prison i told the girls but he's gonna come out of prison, you're gonna look so good, Joe. The gym, he's amazing. You're gonna look so good, Joe. He's gonna go in prison, I told the girls, but he's gonna come out magic bank.

What can you do? She's literally excited for him to go to prison because he'll have to work out and get abs. I'll be excited for that, too. Only Teresa. Well, I'm in prison, but at least I'll get into shape. Only fucking Teresa. I gotta go.

Spin class. Yeah. So they go over everything she has in jail, and Joan's like, yeah. You know, it's like a spa. She's got a spin class. She's got this and that. They got, you know, they got a cable. They don't got a DVR, though.

You know, it's hard. What are you gonna do? Poor thing. She's a good mom. She's a good woman. She's a good person. Meanwhile, Gia. So now Gia is 14, and she's becoming a young lady which is kind of crazy she's looking a lot like her mom she is like not talking like a little girl anymore um

so now she's a full-on real housewife interview session now yeah she is like the interview session she's been through three hours of hair and makeup. She's all glowing and shiny and she does the she knows how to answer politically, which I mean, that's saying a lot when we're talking about Teresa. She hates Melissa. You know, similar to Teresa. And I noticed

that she does Teresa's little head flip. You know when Teresa makes a point and she does like this flip. It's like a fake flip of her hair she just uses the tips of her finger and doesn't even touch her hair but acts like she moves like she just flicked her hair. Yeah. Gia does that too.

Oh! Genealogy! Well it's exciting because now that Gia is now on the verge of entering high school she has shed her adorable little girl qualities and fully embraced the

tacky Jersey environs around her. Because that's what happens to all the kids in Jersey. They just become super tacky. So congratulations, Gia. You have reached the next level of your Jersey-dom. Well, so her hair is still flat.

Her hair is flat. But she's got that, you know, she's got the... Well, to be fair, she's using her mom's makeup artist. So that's half the problem right there. Well, one-ish is she's 14 and her mom's... Like, she got dealt a shitty hand. Yes. I mean, a very large-hed, very well or expensively dressed, not well dressed, but expensively dressed parents.

That's still shit hands. You know, there's still shit cards. And she's young. And so part of me doesn't want to say much about her. about her but then she's like a team of like kiss assy stylists surrounding her that her mom called from prison to make sure her hands did right for three hours and like a full face of makeup that all these people are running around being fame whores acting like they care so they can get like a twitter retweet from prison you know part of it you see the future and it's scary. It's scary. It's a scary future.

I think it's just always sad when you see an adorable young child then start to turn into the Jersey Shore stereotype that you know is coming for them and you're like, no, oh no, it's happening.

She's going to be a change. I would say on this show that it is a lot like the bitch flower blooming. Like in season one, the seed is planted. It seems like it's going to be a lovely plant. You water it, you water it. At the end of the year, it sucks. And then the next season, suddenly you've got this beautiful bitch flower in the garden. And she's not, you know, she's still a little bud.

We're still watering her. We're hoping it doesn't come out to be just like a giant you know weeping willow that's like dropping long horrible leaves all over the lawn we're hoping that it's a beautiful rose yes chances are it's gonna be a bitch flower yeah it almost always is it's one of the most reliable flowers out there i'm not a betting man but i would bet that that bitch flower will bloom in about full yeah it's also weird to see Melania is also suddenly has had like a growth

spurt she I feel like she's looked like she's four for the past five years and now all of a sudden she's ten years old and she's like it's weird she's ten years old she has one of the things that you wish all kids had where they could just retain their cuteness no matter how big they get.

They still have the same face. Yeah. Like Gia's you can kind of see changing now. But yeah, hers, no, you can't. It's so cute. I love her. She's like a bigger version of herself with more words. And yeah, exactly.

Now she's saying more articulate sentences and she's ratting out Gia because Gia has a date named Dante and he's got earrings. I mean, Melania was funny. Melania is basically like the narco house. So good. I still love her. I love her so much. She's so cute. The silent one still looks like she's miserable. And even Adriana was actually being really cute. cute yeah i think they're i think all the kids are super cute i liked at the beginning when they're cook when joe's like ah this is morning and they're sliding down the staircase which is so funny because you know they all do it because they can't when theresa's there he's like what who cares so no one's dead whatever like they made it all right i don't know how this works this is silly and he's like trying to hammer some sausage he throws a frozen raw sausage into a frying pan i was like oh jesus and then he

throws it and he's like yeah that'll do it and melania just loves it it's like camping with her dad and goes over and cooks it and at one point he tells her yeah you know what melania you're always acting like like you're better than everybody else like like what the hell she's like it's because you guys are annoying and I am better than you. I act that way because I am better than you. She knows what's up. Well, I just think... Every time Teresa called in, it was like the same thing every single time.

They made Gia cry so many times this episode. And Teresa calls in, she doesn't say anything particularly interesting. It's more like, hi. I can't believe I'm missing it you guys being good okay bye I'm like mommy did a bicycle for 20 minutes uh-huh uh-huh did you get the stylist huh okay I had someone come over and make you dinner. Did you get that? Huh? Huh? Did the back waxer come? Huh? Huh? Is Nana there?

Huh? Okay. How much shit can you order from prison? Like, seriously, so much stuff was coming. There were people in there all day. It was Gia's eighth grade graduation, and they threw her a party, and Teresa did the whole thing from prison. There were balloons. There were decorations, multiple stylists. There was Brazil.

How did you go? Brazil is – did you get Brazil, hon? She was wrapped. Did you get her? Did you get her? Yeah, no. I mean, this is – when people say, like, how do you control things? Like, how do mob bosses control things from prison?

That's how. This is how right here. But I still – it's still really still really honestly it really bothers me every time the show gets really serious and the music the music gets serious and people are wiping away tears and it's like just trying to keep the family together the sacrifices we're making the kids are so brave the kids are brave i mean the kids the kids are dealt a bad hand that they have to deal with this but i'm like it's not it's it was their parents own doing it was greedy crime criminal parents who did this okay they're not victims are they fucking criminals who stole from other families you know they took all they they did a lot i mean they took the what they were um convicted of not not good okay

or were they both convicted or did they but who settled theresa settled right uh facts i don't care who cares whatever it's bravo they're both convicted of something in my mind um but only they would be in this shit pile and not only shoot it but also still be living in a mansion with shit that you know is not paid for where are they getting that money joe's not working the show's not on there's no savings they've been bankrupt forever they raided theresa's house uh before she went to prison a few times because she was not being honest about what she had she wasn't listing her assets, so they were coming and raiding it and taking things.

So they're continuously getting things. Their house is fully furnished, which it's never been before. I mean, what the hell is going on? Where is all this money coming from? It really bothers me. They're almost unapologetic. They don't even seem to fully even acknowledge that they did

anything wrong. It's like, it a mistake you know we made a mistake you know what can you do you know like you make mistakes you learn things whatever you know it's just it really bothers me and we talked about this during Atlanta that say what you will about Apollo he seemed to acknowledge the things that he did wrong

and he seemed to you know it seemed like he was you know willing to face take responsibility for being a total asshole you know even yeah he says you know he committed the crimes and stuff these people are like what what it's paperwork what these people it was it was a bad lawyer we got a bad deal oh and he's actually standing outside and he's crying about his father which i know makes us horrible to make fun of somebody because they're crying for their father. But sorry, I watch Bravo and that's gone for me. There's no more of that for me because it's always to cover something else.

We just had it with Vicky in the previous show we're talking about. And now we have it with this fucking guy. Every time they show my dad, my no, no, my dad, my dad, my dad. So what? My dad, he's dead. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead.

It's like, stop, dude. We're talking about you who's still living in fucking a home that's not paid for for money you stole what are you doing how is this okay and then he's standing outside by trees he plants to remember his dad which have credit notices mailed to each of them and he's like cropping he's sobbing and then he goes life you don't life just this life just really kicks you. He says something like that. Like, it really gets you sometimes. You know, this is what life is. It's trials and tribulations.

You got to just keep going. It's life. Like, nothing happened to you. You understand? Not even real repercussions happened to you. You're not even going to spend a year in prison. And he starts talking about, like, how, you know, it's hard, you know, trying to keep a family together. And, you know, I don't even have a license, so I can't even pick up the kids. And he starts talking about how it's hard trying to keep a family together.

And I don't even have a license, so I can't even pick up the kids. It's like, yeah, you know why you don't have a license? Because you're driving drunk. And on top of that, you tried to use your brother's license at the DMV. You tried to be fraudulent. I'll feel bad for you that you lost your dad yes because it's a terrible thing but I'm not going to feel bad for you for all the other shit things in your life and how hard it is and how everyone has to pitch in

and how hard it is like oh Tree's dad doesn't like to see his daughter his granddaughter cry I was like well you know what if he doesn't want to see his granddaughter upset that's your fault that's on you, everything is on you and I'm not going to feel sorry for you

and every time the music slows down maybe I'll feel sorry. I'll feel sorry for the kids but I'm not going to feel sorry for you. I don't feel sorry for anybody and I as much as I get all self-righteous about who did what crime and how they deserve this and that I honestly laugh

so fucking hard watching this just because they've always been so full of shit like i love that even when they get called on it and they're in actual jail they're still not willing to admit anything real everybody's so full of shit and it's so funny you stand oh everybody has to go dead dead dead like what are you doing you're so disgusting i love it well you know they are a family that's built on lies because everything from well we tell the kids we tell the kids mommy's at work well we tell the kids that we don't like to say prison don't let no no cg a

cry and don't let someone see this don't see this from this person don't say it's just it's it's a disaster and i wonder why they have so many issues with each other. Also, Gia said a couple times how nice prison is and how it's no big deal and it's fine. Mom's fine. I miss her, but she's fine. She's doing great. And then Teresa's like, I got to go to exercise class. Bye. Talk to you later.

And you're teaching them. Well, who cares what you're teaching? I mean, it's a fucking Bravo show. You're teaching them... Well, who cares what you're teaching? I mean, it's a fucking Bravo show. But at the end of the day, of course those kids... When your kids end up going to jail and thinking nothing of it, don't be surprised. Yeah, exactly.

Melania will go for sitting on a piece of salmon in a fucking grocery store. You can't do that when you're an adult, Melania. Oh, she will definitely... She'll get drunk and make her way over to D'Agostino's. Well, this was actually a full hour. But honestly, they put that lawyer in, I swear to you, for six or seven testimonials. Like he was a real housewife. I was dying every time.

Well, the feelings, it's like sad music. And he's like, people hurt. And this couple has hurt. This couple has felt pain have you call me yeah the back of the bus is talking darling and then rosie showed up at one point and was like hey hey joe you're gonna get a boyfriend in jail yeah boyfriend he's like yes so good yeah when joe is telling uh joe is telling her first we got to see joe doing a job made for joe standing on a roof throwing trash off of it yeah like oh perfect like talk about something you were born to do jenna yeah so rosie comes over and and visits visits him at work and

uh he's telling her about prison sex and he's like oh yeah you should hear tree she says like you know it's hard for her to sleep at night because you know all these people having sex like all this all the sex noises and rosie's like how do how do i get sent what's a white collar buy me a white collar i'm gonna commit a crime yeah and uh they were she's like so what are you gonna get a boyfriend in there and he you know there's been rumors for a long time well he remember there was that one time when he was like yeah you know uh me and my friend want don't you know we like uh show each other uh penises you know what he can do you know you're not a fag if it's in a if it's in a truck stop you know yeah so what if there's a hole in the wall and you

can't see the face like what what do do I know? Anybody could be back there. I could be hippopotamite. You know, like, what do I know? Gay. What's that? What's that? Happy? Yeah.

Stupid. Who cares? So what? Who cares? Teresa calls him and he's sitting on the couch. Hey, Joe. Yeah, we watched Magic Mike. You want to have phone sex?

He's like, eh. I'm sitting on the couch. Let's have couch sex. At the end of the day, you still get such cute scenes. I don't know. It's like baby lions. You know, you see them eating off a deer's head. But at the same time, it's just their nature.

You know, that's cute. let's just keep watching, smiling I mean, I'm gonna keep watching, I just think that there's just nothing going on on this show it's basically watching some people put on makeup, put on a dress gather together, eat some food, and then someone calls dun dun dun dun dun dun

knock knock knock hey Joe, I got some news Joe, I failed to guess up with Kai I got Teresa's text in the sky, Joe Yeah, okay, so what Do whatever, stay, go I don't care Oh bravo, what a fun week this was

on the old bravs There was some drama-pack uh craziness going on i know the only thing that makes me sad is uh official word that um secrets and wives was not renewed paralyzed oh no did they officially cancel it though because sometimes bravo will just not renew stuff but never cancel it well i think it was canceled because Cindy C posted on our Facebook page a tweet from Susan who says, So sad Bravo decided not to renew Secrets and Wives. Oh. What?

Is it the curse? Is it us? Did we do this? I think so. Anytime we really like a show, Bravo cancels it. Oh, my God. And they're like, here, let's have a third Manzo spinoff. It's about Christopher going to a vending machine.

I just got a letter. It's from Bravo. You're not ever gonna be Lysard again. It's like someone took the thumb out from my ass. It doesn't feel right. Paralyzed. You just got not Lysard. Where's the news?

Hey, Max? Max, where is the news of our show being canceled? Is it on Insta? Is it on Insta, Max? Max, I couldn't even find it on Insta because there were so many comments about the table you broke, Max. Max? Max? Oh, God.

How will we ever find out if she's going to be happy with that dentist and her glued-together IKEA table? Oh! All right, everyone. You can't watch it! All right, everyone. Well, we've been going on for two hours and two minutes. So, thank you all for listening. You can find us at WatchWhatCrapHands.com for all our social media links, including Facebook.

Facebook.com forward slash WatchWhatCrapHands. media links including facebook facebook.com forward slash watch what crap ends um be sure to check me out on amy phillips's show on sirius xm radio on radio andy that will be on uh wednesday october 14th and then ronnie next week we believe on the 24th so um but it could be different check our facebook page to to know for sure And of course, support us on Patreon. We can listen to our bonus episode, which this week was about all sorts of random things like sandwiches and morally corrupt Fayrez Nick, amongst other topics.

So thanks everyone for supporting us and thanks everyone for listening. And we will talk to you later this week. Bye. Bye everybody. Love you. Bye. this week. Bye. Bye, everybody. Love you. slash crappens.