Watch What Crappens - #229: Coffee Table Me and Lucky Pesto You

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

Longest episode ever. It’s cuz Lyme is contagious. Ladies of London gets a full hour fifteen. Why? COFFEE TABLE ME. After watching Caroline try to smile for an hour and neurotics in bad wigs pissing off royalty, it’s time to set sail with Below Deck to make fun of Amy’s imaginary dates with turtles. If you have no idea what we’re talking about, you’re doing this right. Enjoy! Come listen as Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog.com) break down all the craziness. Remember you can support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens And follow us here: twitter.com/whatcrappens facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Jessica Halford-Porter, Christy Doherty, and Claudia Catalina. We love you girls. Now on with the show. Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Watch what crappens.

Watch what crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello everyone and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the brobs. I'm Ronnie Karen from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm with the thin, that's all you need to know, Ben Mandelker. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? I'm great, thanks. How are you? Oh, I'm great. It's a sunny day. There's some clouds out there. It's just looking promising. The drought's going to end soon.

Soon. Soon. The drought will end soon, but until then. The drought's going to end soon. Soon. Soon. The drought will end soon, but until then, I'm just going to use lots of water on spec. Until then, blame agriculture. Blame agriculture. I blame agriculture for everything. Everything. Blame the rest of the world.

Congress created Dust Bowl. Thank you, everybody, for listening to the Watch What Crap is podcast. Today is all about Real Housewives. I mean, Ladies of London. No Real Housewives. I know. I keep thinking Ladies of London.

Real Housewives of over the poor people bridge at Juliet's house. Poor neighborhoods you've never heard of in London. Real Housewives of Mappeton. Real Housewives of Mappeton. Real Housewives of the Mappeton Cafe. Real Housewives of Crudgington Death and Disruption. You guys can

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of this crap with us there's live show threads and all that good stuff so we hit 5 000 people we hit 5 000 likes we hit 5 000 and we did it we're halfway to 10 000 and thank you sydney charlotte who's over there putting it on her Facebook. She's like, these guys need more likes. Yeah. As everybody who listens to Watch What Crappens knows, your friends don't know what the hell you're talking about, okay? We're on Watch What Crappens, and our friends don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I constantly walk around talking in a terrible Australian accent and saying things like,

David, David, where are you going, David? And no one gets it, but I don't care. Keep the flame alive. Yeah. Also, last thing, come to our Patreon.com

and thank you to all our Patreon subscribers because that is where you subscribe to the bonus episodes which have become a new little monster of their own and they're so fun to do.

They are. Our little monster. That's what we also call Juliet. And you can find all the bonus episodes there as well as subscriber ringtones. Valentina! Valentina! Valentina! Donk, donk, donk. If you need that as your ring, go there.

And we're having our subscriber Google Hangout next Thursday. Yeah. And I think that's good. And that's it. So thank you, everybody, for supporting. And thank you for being here. Because this means I get to sit in a couch desk with a large jug of water and some marijuana and talk about some brava with Bean. I mean, that is the dream right there.

Pretty much. Although I had a secondary dream just yesterday. We talked about this on Monday or Tuesday's episode that I was going on to Amy Phillips' Serious XM show. And you will be going on, I believe, next week. Well, so now I have been on. I've been on. And tell me everything. So fun. First of all, I believe, next week. Well, so now I have been on. I've been on. And tell me everything. So fun.

First of all, I mean, Amy is great. Just, you know, I just love. I know. I was going to say she's terrible, right? I know. She's a bitch. She's so nasty. She's so unrelatable.

No, she's so fun. She's so great. And it was cool, too, because it was a professionally produced show. And it felt nice to have like people you know sort of managing us as opposed to like this like the wild west of our podcast which is also super fun uh i don't know what you mean ben i just bought a dollar in skype credit so it was actually kind of um it was actually kind of uh liberating not feeling the pressure to be funny every 30 seconds and do crazy accents. Oh, what?

But that being said. What does that mean? What does that mean? What else did you do? Did you play games? What else is there to do? Well, actually, it was really cool. Heather Dubrow called in.

Your soulmate. She called in. And I was the guest so i was i was second fiddle so i didn't really participate in the interview i did get to ask one question um a really pressing question that's been on my mind for four years which is heather debrow did we go the same synagogue growing up and the answer is no. So that was solved. There are a lot of people from Chappaqua, her hometown, who went to my synagogue. So I thought, wouldn't that be funny if she went to Bet Torah? But no, she went to Temple Bethel. Well, that's kind of like a silent war in the

Jewish community, warring temples, you know? Yeah, some real temple and temple hate. There's a competition. There's a silent competition. So then Heather told a story on the episode. So she was talking about Vicky, et cetera. I forget what the original question was. But basically, Vicky went on to watch what happens and said that no one's reached out to her. You know, that's Vicky's new thing. Like, what about me? What about me?

I lost my mom and a partner. And no one, you know, no one's called. I've lost the most this year. It's like a Monopoly game, you know, but like who can not collect as many paper debts? Exactly. She's like, I can't find my Bed Bath & Beyond thing. What about me?

No one's checking on me. I didn't get my 10% off coupon to the bed bath. No one's called me. I mean, no one knows. I don't have a new carpet in my bathroom. Who knows? Nobody, because they don't call. I went to McDonald's at 4 p.m. and tried to get a McGriddle.

It's not on their all-day breakfast menu. What about me? What about me? No one's asking what I'm doing. All day, still sad with no calls. That's the all-day menu at Vicky Donald's. Vicky Donald's. Any time of the day you can

come by and give a dollar and just not pay attention to me. It's what everyone else does. Go ahead. I wish I knew what a happy meal is but no one even checks in on me so it's more just like a sad meal. I want a hug meal. You want a number one which is an ignore Vicky with a side of tell everyone she's lying about someone else's cancer? Okay.

Well, that'll be ten minutes. Oh, you're leaving? Okay, bye. Do you have any Dr. Pepper? I don't know. I don't have proof that I have Dr. Pepper. I don't have Dr. Pepper. I don't know.

I wasn't there. I was in Oklahoma. I don't know if Pepper's a doctor. How am I supposed to know? I don't know. I mean, he told Brooks he had cancer but that's all I know about Dr. Pepper. I got emails when I was at my place of work, you know, my job

and someone told me that they went to chemo. So there you go. I believed him. What am I going to investigate? You know, we're not all detectives. I have a job. Get a job. I don't know if I'm loving it. Do you know how many unsolved murders there would be in Cabot Cove if Jessica Fletcher had just got a job? Writing, it's not a job. That's what I always tell the Hamburglar.

Get a job. Stop stealing the burgers. Get a job. Then you can buy all the burgers you want. Simple as that. Just say no to stripes. Anyway, I'm running for Mayor McCheese. So vote for me, Vicky, Vicky Donalds. That Hamburglar needs a cutout in the front of his shirt.

I had that Hamburglar suit first, and I look better in it. So what happened? So what happened that you guys didn't have to talk the whole time? Like she had little segments and stuff or what? She had segments. But anyway, what happened in this one, we talked about the fact that Heather – I mean that Vicky said that no one's reached out to her. So Heather tells us. She's like, you know what?

Like, you know, I like Vicky. We've never been particularly close, but I like her. And she was in New York, and I decided to send her a text saying, hey, have fun in New York that's what she did and Vicky texted her back like oh thanks

I'm having so much fun blah blah blah it's so great blah blah blah and it was like a nice text exchange and then that night Vicky went on TV

and said no one's reached out to me so Heather was really mad and she said well whatever chance that Vicky has of having a friend is gone now like whatever shred a friend is gone now.

Like, whatever shred was left is gone now. She burned that. What? Well, okay. That's true. And now Radar Online is taking it. I guess that Radar Online will take a puddle on the street. They'll be like, we had a psychic read a puddle on the street, and Vicky is a man.

Okay. Click on this ad, and then watch this video of an ad. Well, now this whole story is a man. Okay. Click on this ad and then watch this video of an ad. Well, now this whole story is coming out. Well, now they're spinning a story that Vicky has no more friends. And that Heather was her last chance. And she dissed Heather. And she was lying. So I feel very honored that I was at ground zero of that story breaking.

It really felt great. I was sitting there watching Amy talk to her. And I was just nodding. That story is changing the world. I feel it rippling through the world. Oh, right. Calling somebody

or texting somebody and saying having fun in New York isn't really reaching out. I agree. It's not like, hey, how are you doing after your boyfriend who had cancer dumped you?

Hey, did you know that, by the way? That he broke up with her? What the hell? I did not know that. the way that he broke up with her what the hell i did not know that or maybe she just said just tell him that so everyone's not saying you broke up with the guy with cancer that's not nice yeah yeah who knows uh anyway that's cool so what kind of segments and stuff were there on the amy phillips on the amy phillips so it starts off with like news and gossip and then she has this really cool segment where she gets a statement from Andy Cohen himself to clarify a rumor. And I'm like, gosh, that's really cool.

When we want to clarify a rumor, we just do silly voices. We're like, I think that's pretty much the truth, whatever we just said. We don't clarify rumors. We begin them. That's right. That's right. That's right. We exacerbate already existing rumors and create new ones. So the first segment was that.

Then it was commercial break. Then came back. And by the way, I still, I don't think you should have commercials on satellite radio. I am like, I'm paying for that shit. I'm still mad when I see commercials on cable TV because I'm an old person. And when cable TV came out they were like hey mr carom all you need is this gigantic refrigerator box in your living room and you'll never watch commercials again sure there's not much on it

but one day it's going to be amazing my dad was like the future kids now sit down and stare at this infomercial it was one of those like brown boxes where you had to push the buttons on top, right? Uh-huh. So anyway, so then the next segment was the Heather interview. The segment after that, we talked about Orange County, and then we talked a little bit more about Orange County,

and Teresa checks in, and then it was over. It was an hour long, and somehow it just slipped away from us. It was so fun. Well, I'm excited to go do it. It's so weird doing it in front of other, like, leaving the house to do stuff like that, to do shows. It feels odd being someplace else. But Amy will make you feel really comfortable because she's good like that.

Oh, yeah. Always does. Always does. She's wonderful. I just pull up an Amy Phillips video and hug myself. Just look at a picture of Amy. I'm like oh i feel like i'm at home oh oh i was gonna tell you something about that um the other day a reader i keep forgetting i don't take notes on real life all right it just comes when it comes so a reader or a listener wrote us and said hey you guys amy poehler has this bravo podcast you

mentioned this uh the other day but did i i told you i didn't tell the no i think it was on the podcast oh my god i'm so dumb all right just rewind that one anyway if you didn't hear it or if i am repeating myself i think i told you personally, but yeah, I was like, Amy Poehler has a podcast on Sirius about housewives. This is amazing. I'm going to, we're going to be best friends. And then Amy Phillips texted me five seconds later. I was like, do you want to do my thing? And I was like, yeah, do you know anything about this Amy Poehler?

So, so stupid. Yeah. Someone made a typo. So stupid that I am mentioning it again without remembering doing it before. You know who's not stupid? Our super sponsor. You know who I'm talking about. I do. I just did a big announcement for her at the beginning of the show.

Oh, well, in that case, I will cease discussing Jessica. Jessica, you do not get any bonus mentions. Jessica, on your 90th birthday party right now, wherever you are, you're probably on the top floor of a hotel and your hot husband's feeding you grapes and being like, it's still your birthday in our hearts. The birthday just will not end. Just when you thought you were safe, Jessica. We mentioned you again because you're our super sponsor.

She's going to wake up without a birthday party one of these days and be like, It's all over. She'll wake up with Megan voice. It's all over. I'm googling it. She'll wake up with Megan voice. It's all over. I'm googling it. I was about to say that we figured out what Megan's theme song is. Should I play it?

Yeah, of course. This is what Megan listens to when she does investigations. Google. Google. Siri, search something for me. Pet scans. Knowledge. Did you know that there's a Hodgkins and a non-Hodgkins?

Siri, did you know? I know. Inspector Megan. Thanks, gadget. Thanks, gadget. Thanks, iPhone gadget. Okay, so shall we move on to Ladies of London? Lads of Londs. Lads of Londons. I'm very excited because in the opening this week, I happened to notice the credits.

In the opening this week, I happened to notice the credits. And one of the executive producers of Ladies of London is named Travis Shakespeare. So that makes it official. Ladies of London is produced by Shakespeare. He's back. This playwright has a third act. Shakespeare probably was like a reality producer he's like all right uh get some people get some dudes to put on wigs okay it'll be a mom who's probably fucking her stepson and they both secretly want the old dude

they just married for the money to die okay do it find it. Find it. Make it happen! Yeah, the original draft of... The original draft of Macbeth was... Out, out, damn, knowledge and justice. I think that was Macbeth, right? Out, out, damn, spot? I don't know. Out, out, damn, spot. I don't want to be on laundry duty.

It's like, out, damn, spot is Rocky cleaning the captain's shorts. The first draft of Romeo and Juliet was actually... David? David, wherefore art thou, David? Now, instead of a balcony, she's calling to David from atop a giant chandelier that has a Bluetooth remote control on her iPhone. David, partying is such sweet sorrow, David.

Well, not too sweet. I don't like all that sugar, David. David. We need the sassy maid, though, who's trying to save Juliet. Which, oh, the Isn't there a sassy maid in that who's always trying to save Juliet? Maybe it could be Amy.

It's like a nurse maid. Juliet! Now, I know he's cute, but, you know, I was looking at him before you were looking at him. And it wouldn't be such drama if I was with him. Juliet! Juliet! Juliet! All of Kate's lines would just be basically Lady Macbeth.

They were unchanged. Captain Lee is... All the world's a yacht. And all the men and women merely deckhands. They have their entrances, their exits. The yacht or the cruise ship? That is the question. Now, on a cruise ship,

I'd be wearing socks with these pink sneakers here. But on a yacht, even though it's higher class, I'm not wearing socks. Shakespeare, thank you so much. Bravo.

Bravo. Bravo. All right, so lads of Lund, speaking of Shakespeare, let's go to the little town where Shakespeare was born and first learned to write. London! Yeah.

His last masterpiece, Ladies of London. So, well, we knew it was going to be a good episode because it starts with Caroline calling Rania on the phone in the opening montage I love that this is the softer side of Caroline this whole episode but she's still the same

yeah she's well I love that in this opening montage she's like Rania darling I'm calling I'm choosing an outfit and then I'm coming to the office in a few hours I'm like you're choosing an outfit and then coming to the office in a few hours. I'm like, you're choosing an outfit and then coming into the office in a few hours? No wonder why you're going under.

It's like 3 p.m. She walks in. All right, Rainier. Coffee. Jelly tots. Valentina. Call Valentina. Get her to call Pauline. I need someone to get over here

and help me with these boots. Pauline, polish. Valentina, brush. Slowly. On the heel. Who's the little one over there? Who's the tiny? Oh, that's mine.

All right, get over here, child. All right, put your fingers in this boot. Mommy's going to try and slip it over her well-toned calves. All right. Stop crying. All right, there's no crying and boot pulling up. Valentina, tissues for my sad child. Never make it anywhere in this world.

She was so ab-hab in this episode. She was. Hello, children. Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you. Kisses. All right, clear the children. And then also the opening montage.

I love that the music just came to a stop just to highlight Julie being frazzled over something. She's like, Mike, Mike! Okay. HSP. I wrote, Julie walks kids to school and freaks out that they're going to get hit on an empty street, lol.

On the sidewalk. She's like, kids! Kids, watch out! And they're on the hit on an empty street, LOL. On the sidewalk. She's like, kids! Kids, watch out! And they're on the sidewalk of an empty street. Yeah. Kids! Kids! Kids, don't die! I don't see you guys looking both

ways. We're next to a street, kids! Kids, look both ways! Kids, look out. There are a lot of cracks in the sidewalk and I can't hurt my back okay I'm teaching yoga don't break my back kids look out for the cracks

no one can deliver a job for mommy babies and then they show whimsical whimsical Caroline Caroline Fleming oh yeah

being whimsical in the streets and flowiness and flowiness abound. And she walks into a store, of course, not a grocery store, but an outdoor organic market, possibly. And she looks at the veggies and she says, now, which one of these has the most antioxidants? The lady's like, I think the green ones.

She's like, thank you. Yes, I'll take a green one. Thank you. That is just a wonderful thank you. That is exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much. Ah, green, the color of whimsy. You know, a day is not complete until I have green in the morning and green in the evening.

And then I feel green. and green in the evening. And then I feel green. And then they have Juliet being such a white woman when she's like, she says to her kid, do you like this top or do I look like a rapper? I don't look like gangsta. I'm like, oh God, I'm crawling under a rock right now. Kids, mom's cool, right, kids?

Yeah, you got a cool mom, right? Yeah, double P sign out. Yo, I'm straight out of Compton and I'm referring to the neighborhood in california not the neighborhood just up the street in london get it because they're two comptons gangsta cool like guys you know our house might smell like dead rats and being a weird part of town but you know that means that you're gonna study more which means you're gonna be smart right yeah yeah mom's cool mom's positive and cool and they're like uh mom i don't want to go outside mommy i hear it's dangerous outside

julia's children always have to get run over by cars they have to be careful they need to make more scenes of juliet with just her kids because that is the most hilarious thing it's a neurotic american with english children and just those little accents they're so cute kids why are you calling your dad why are you saying your dad's the brains of the family like what am i chopped liver which i love that she says what am i chopped liver i know and the kids the little girl says no mommy daddy's the brains but you're the best at bossing people around. Already extremely passive-aggressive, like

a good little British girl should be. But she has that direct shit, too. Yeah. Like, well, you're a bossy bitch, and so you're good at that. Okay, keep it up, darling. Clear the mother. That was pretty cute. Forward. Gone.

Valentina, clear my mummy. Clear the mummy. Oh, yeah. So this is a positive episode. I guess they're like, well, that big dramatic fight over nothing was pretty weird. So maybe let's have a positive episode. Because Juliet was spearheading the positivity and this is what I love. I love when she starts

a bunch of crap and then she's the one who's like, you know, it's so weird everyone's always fighting. I don't understand it, but you know, maybe we can go bowling. That's what we do in America. We bowl and we get drunk and then we bowl. Burgers, beer, and bowling.

You can see Marissa already getting furious. Like I'm the one with the hot dogs. I'm the one with the hot dogs. I'm the Americana woman. I was sitting and I was sitting in a. I'm trying to do Marissa's voice better because I know she has kind of a thing like that. I know. She speaks a little bit like this.

I feel like she speaks a little bit like this. Julia. I mean, Marissa. She's like top dog. little bit like this. Juliet. I mean, Marissa. That's too much. She's like, top dog or something. Yeah. She's sort of like a higher, she's in my Shannon Medour range of accents. I have so many there that I can't, I have to find a new range.

What can I say? I know. By the way, I loved when Juliet calls Caroline to invite her to this bowling thing. And she's like, have you ever been bowling in London? And Caroline's like, yes, I have been bowling many times in London. I do it every time I want to be reminded of all the ridiculous things that Americans do. I make Valentina hand Pauline the ball, and then I watch Pauline shake down the lane, darling, and bowl it for me.

If it's a gutter, she's beaten. By Amber, of course. Amber just chases her around with a stapler because she's lazy. I need to hire somebody to whip Amber down. Valentina, spare. Pauline, strike.

Retrieve the ball. Those aren't the number of pins that were knocked down, miss. Bad news, mum. You didn't hear any pins this time. Alright, well go run down that alley and just kick them all down, miss. Bad news, mum. You didn't hear any pins this time. All right, well, go run down that alley and just kick them all down for me. All right, thank you very much.

All right, mum. Bad news, mum. Broke my arm. Slipped on the alleyway. Well, what do you want me to do? Just go out to the hospital. I don't care. Well, you'd better hope that the economy

starts smiling on us, darling. You're going to be walking around with a crooked arm for the rest of your life. It's not my fault you don't understand how to walk on a slick alley. I need more money for my business so I can afford people who can walk on slick alleys. This is

ridiculous. Valentina, go pick up Raina. She's down in the middle of the pins. Pauline, alright. Pauline, Valentina, go pick up Rainia. She's down in the middle of the pins. Pauline, alright. Pauline, Valentina, Valentina and Rainia are both down at the pins. Can you just go fetch them? Just get a net or something. Just get them out of the way. It's an American

pastime. Oh, Caroline. Rainia, if you don't get out of the way, I'm going to roll this ball either way. I don't care. Either get up or get hit. All right, well. Does it count as a strike if I hit Rainier? Poor Rainier.

Bad news. I love that that's all the episode opens. Bad news, man. Bad news, mom. So I'm looking through my notes, which is why I'm like, um, um. So invites Caroline Bowling and then says, hasn't won't won a big oh it's a wig party too so they're gonna go bowling but it's gonna be a wig party and of course the wig party is like a political party in london but julia doesn't really get that and no one really mentions that she's like no it's not just come dress like a whore that's what i

mean like on your head but only on your head. So we can stay proper. You know, like, what if someone sees us? Patterned wigs. So, patterned wig party at the... Amadeus party at the bowling alley. Okay, I want to be on the team that's me, the F. Murray Abraham. I want to be on the Mozart team because I like like art and i like the most art of everyone i also like mo's poetry um marissa drinks wine while feeding baby with one hand i just love that that's kind of i feel i don't have memories of being a baby obviously

because you know i don't have memories of yesterday let's be honest but um i'm sure that my mom was drinking a glass of wine with kind of a hat that half rolled eyes thing that marissa does while feeding the baby and lovingly smiling at her husband yeah i actually liked that moment it was funny but then but then we went to a scene in Marissa with Annabelle because Marissa keeps meeting with Annabelle to get branding advice for her hot dog shop, which is hilarious because Annabelle is, you know, the quote-unquote high fashion.

Well, she is. She does work in high fashion. So, I mean, to me, it seems like going to, like, I don't know, Zach Posen to figure out your McDonald's uniform. It doesn't seem like it. Well no, because Zach Posen's a designer. I know, but what I'm saying is it's someone who

It's like going to a store. It's like walking up to a mannequin in a store and then asking it for fashion advice. Someone else put that dress on the mannequin. You know what I mean? It's like, hi, mannequin. What do you think of my logo? You've worn a lot of logos.

What do you think about them? And Abel's like, oh, no, I hit the coffee table. Oh, God, I hit the coffee table. Oh, I re-injured my horse injury with a coffee table. Oh, I forgot that you're a... I forget. Like, our relationship is so, like... Organic.

It comes together. Like, Nations and We Are the World song. It's just like we sit down and it's like we have these deep... We just get it. I feel like we're in hands across America, except we're in England and we're the only two people holding hands. That's how close our relationship is. She's not really holding my hands, but I know that she

wants to really deep down. Honestly, when Marissa said she's like, yeah, Annabelle's become a really good friend of mine and it's organic. Then I look at her phone and I remember, oh yeah, you're like super famous fashion model. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it's quote unquote organic, aka you've been up her butt because she's

in this world of fashion that you want to be part of. Don't act like it just happened to come together. You push that shit. You push that shit. How famous you were. You look a totally super famous, amazing model that everyone knows and is lauded across the land. I mean, I totally forgot until I saw your Insta. It's crazy.

Well, so then the waiter comes by, and Annabelle, for some reason I wrote this down, because it amused me when she said, I'll just have a cleanser. Whatever that is. He puts a tube up her butt. He's like, yeah, all right, Mom. Coming right up. They know who she is. We've got a little vinegar mixed with some hot water and a little Chanel No. 5 in there.

We'll be right back to clean up the lady hole. Mind the coffee table, Mum. I'll just sit here with my cleanser up my butt. I'm still recovering from the time that I was getting a cleanser and knocked into a coffee table. My life still isn't the same. Rock and roll.

When you've been struck by a coffee table, you're not left with much but your imagination and a cleanser. Life changes when you knock your knee into a coffee table and all of a sudden everything that was, isn't.

When you're having a cleanser and your imagination has you on a beach surfing with Alexander, you'll really know the meaning of life. I've made a book about it. It's called All of My Fingernails.

They've each got a different personality. Here's a fingernail that was injured When I walked into a coffee table This is the only fingernail That's never been injured I don't look at it Don't look at it Sometimes when I walk into Ikea

I just break down into tears Because I see all the furniture I I walk into Ikea, I just break down into tears because I see all the furniture I could walk into. And I think, why, Alexander? Alexander only liked plush things. I never ran into hard edges at his place. I never had to deal with the world without foam until that tragic day when my best friend and soulmate,

Alexander, tripped over a coffee table. Sometimes I walk into coffee tables just to feel alive. That is so stupid. It's like one half second of the episode, and we were just like latching onto it. I do love her, though. Her personality is so hilarious, and they don't really show her that much. There's more of her this episode.

I really love that she's there you know her story she's like i don't understand these women i pit two women against one woman and they can't even do it i mean everyone's a moron just like fuck this who wants to even watch this she's like what are they even talking about? Yeah. It's almost as if we're on a reality show. What's going on? She doesn't get where she is, and it's so funny. I know. And I love the way she just shoots down all of Marissa's ideas for her branding.

Marissa shows her some baseball caps. It's like, oh, well, these are going to go over real well with Annabelle. She's like, I never really liked this stuff anyway. What about one of those strange hats that you, one of those hats that you used to wear coming out of the tavern in the 1950s? People wear it a lot. You know that if Annabelle were in charge of Top Dog's branding,

everyone would be wearing these giant hats with feathers like you wear to ascots. Hello, Mom. Would you like a hot dog? All right, then. America. I want one girl to walk around the block in plaid knickers why no one knows they'll ask themselves why do you have any hoop dresses all right um marissa's like well

what about a patch of a patch can we put a patch on it oh that's so funny i have some patches. They all say, Alexander! Who did she say? Oh, yeah, she's like, oh, yes, patches. They use those at hospital. What? I've seen those logos before. When I was imagining things, the nurse was king, and he was in love with me. Then he tripped over desk tray he tripped over a couch desk and passed

life will never be the same rock and roll I have to put a rock and roll patch on my shin that's where I made contact with a coffee table rock and roll I'll have to go back to hospital. Hit the coffee table. I'll ask them about the patches. Now, let's take... This is so funny. Marissa's like, thank, that was such good advice.

Like, everything's different now. This is going to be successful. Like, when they were showing the rundown of Marissa's, she's like, I'm so busy. It's like, so much is going on with Top Dog. I've got a list this mile long. Like, did anybody like get the hot dogs? Did anybody like make a Pinterest page?

There's a list. Did anyone make a Pinterest page about getting hot dogs? The best way is to get them. Crates, baskets, boxes. A hermer who forgets a Pinterest page? It's never happened, and it's not going to start with this girl. It's my baby.

Alright. So then we go to the gift library, where we see Caroline bossing people around. Could I have a glass of water? Pour. Pour slowly. In the tumbler. No splash. Pauline, clean up the splash.

Rainier, throw the glass out the window. Thank you. That's so funny because I wrote my first note on this is gift library. Water. Water. Hydration. We also got an amazing little scene to start this with. Pauline.

Pauline. Walking down the hallway stressed out because Pauline's got that constant, like, it's not like a Catherine Hepburn head shake. It's like a tremble. It's like she's like a dog that has to pee or just peed on the floor and is like terrified you're going to beat it.

Right. She looks like that. She's like, kind of like walking down like a hefty walk with a file folder in her hand and i just imagine like her cell phone buzzing and then her pager buzzing everybody just being like where is she pauline valentina get the fork out of her mouth it's like like, can I just go to the bathroom, miss?

Please, mom. It's my agenda for me to have a bathroom break for the first time in six years. Never. Never. She's basically, the way you're describing her is essentially Brenda Bluth in every British movie she's been in. Just, you know, harried and working class. Yeah, pretty much much there's a terror there that i find um adorable it's like yes i like you know that those dogs it's like when you're

going to look for a new used dog and you go through the pound and they're so cute and you want to take care of it but you know at the end of the day it's going to bite you and you just get a puppy get a new one you know well well Pauline goes and meets with Caroline because they have to meet with the investors and uh Caroline is like

well we've bitten off way more than we can chew Pauline's like yes mom yes yes yes you know what that's like don't you Pauline oh yes

more than you can chew plenty alright Valentina come here and watch make sure that Pauline doesn't bite off more than she can chew, please.

Pauline, would you like a jelly tart? Oh, yes, ma'am. Well, too bad. You can't have one. You've had too many in your life. All you get is a piece of leather to put your teeth down on. Rainier, come in here and strap Pauline down with three belts. Bad news, ma'am.

They couldn't make the belts in time. I have no belts, but I have a piece of string. Oh, dear Jesus. Pauline, I would be an awful person if I didn't warn you that I've electrified the jelly tots bowl. If you touch it, you will die. Yes, ma'am. Valentina, put the electric jelly tot collar on Pauline.

Stop staring at the bowl Raina, make her stop staring at the bowl I don't know, put a piece of cardboard or something in front of her face Just block it, block the bowl Pauline, look at the bowl, now stop Now look, now stop Valentina, hide the bowl Now present the bowl I can still feel the bowl, mum

Bad news, mum. Bad news, mum. Pauline's been electrocuted, mum. Got too close to the jelly top bowl again. Oh, dear. Valentina. Valentina. Do some CPR, please.

Pauline, breathe. Pauline, breathe. Pauline, have a heartbeat. Bad news, mum. Flatlining. All right, well, let's jump on it some more. Rainier, have Amber bring in a hole punch. All right, here's what you do. All right, we're going to go to the investors.

All right, Rainier, you get on the left side of Pauline. Valentina, you get on the right side. We're going to weekend and burn you at this, all right? That's what we're going to do. Alright, we're going to weekend at Bernie's Pauline. Alright. Stand her up or something. Put her on a dolly or something.

We'll just roll her in there and make her do the meeting. Does anyone have a Hawaiian shirt we can use? Just a sham of some sort? Just going to drape it over her. Sunglasses? Do we have sunglasses? Bad news, ma'am. I have sunglasses. Oh a sham of some sort. Just going to drape it over her. Sunglasses. Do we have sunglasses? Bad news, ma'am. I have sunglasses. Oh, for God's sake.

Do we have a pillow or something, darling? Her head's still shaking back and forth. We've got to do something, right? Valentina, get that pillowcase and cut two holes in it, all right? Very nice. Put it right over her head. That's where they can't see the dead features of her face. No one wants to put money into a business that hires

overweight, unconscious women with head shakes. It's just how the government works. Valentino, the other Sharpie, put a smile on that pillowcase. Just like her. Work of morale is up. Bad news, mum.

Out of Sharpies. Got a pencil. No, a pencil won't work. You can't draw on pillowcases with a pencil. What are you thinking, Rainier? This is why this business is going under, with stupid ideas like that. Stupid ideas like that, Rainier.

Sorry, Mum. Someone sharpen Amber's head, we'll use that. The first organic Sharpie. We're going to make millions of dollars. All right, new plan. Gather, gather. Gather. Slowly, not too fast.

No, just don't come in. Just stand against the glass. Stand against... No, don't... You may put your hands on the glass, but not your noses. Thank you. Only one hand, though.

You may rotate whose hand it is so i noticed uh for the first time i don't know why i mean of course we see the be nice sign over her desk but today i thought you know what the reason it's everybody thinks it's funny because it's like it's ironic because she's not really nice but i think that it's not for her at all it's a big sign to everybody else it's like this is my chair. Be nice. Don't be fucking with me right now. Do you really want to fuck with me?

That's not for her. It's not like a motivational lolcat poster on her cubicle wall, like, inspiring her. It's behind her for everybody else. That's why I was pretty bold of Pauline to say, well, I guess I'll just switch off the nice sign and go home. It's like, no, you do not tell Caroline Stanbury to turn off the nice sign, all right? She turns it off when she wants to. Exactly. She's going to have you turn it off by putting your finger in the socket wet.

Lick your finger. So then they go off. They meet with the investors. Go to commercial break. We come back. Pauline and Caroline emerge looking very grim. And they're in the car things are bad

Pauline's in the backseat being like it's almost like a perfect storm where things have happened or things have not happened as the case may be Pauline shut up back there

what are you saying is the road bumpy miss is the road bumpy no Pauline it's your insides just stop Pauline just do be quiet do shut up

listen Pauline here's what I'm gonna Do shut up. Listen, Pauline. Here's what I'm going to do. Alright, here's what we're going to do. Go find every Dalmatian in London, alright? We're going to make an amazing coat. Sell it. Bring back the business. Do it now. Alright, mom.

Pauline was literally shitting herself in the backseat she looked like she was a shaking sweating sobbing mess god bless her heart she's like bankers miss bankers miss don't be afraid of them

terrifying don't be scared you could lose everything and eat nothing for the next years of your life for the last years of your life, for the last years of your life, you old cow, ready to be put out to pasture. Get it together, Pauline. What are you, a regular smee back there? Just get it together. What are you crying about?

Without me, there's nothing. So you'll have nothing to cry over. I miss, I miss, I miss. Jelly toads. And then Rainania calls up. It was like pretty much as close to impersonation as possible. She's like, hello, mom. Are we fired?

She's like, yes, pretty much. Goodbye. I have no idea. It's very stressful. I have to go talk to these men. And our life is on the line. Who knows if they're going to give us the money. And if they don't, I've bitten off more than I can chew. I can't handle this. I'm so busy. I have so many things going on. Do you understand? I wake up in the

morning. I walk to the coffee. Someone pours it down my throat. I'm lifted into a shower. Do you know that that's half an hour right there? I mean, I just can't take it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm no business woman. I'm going to spend time with. It's like, oh my. That was basically the whole episode. And my ish, Eels, she is so strong and funny and hilarious because she's so strong. I don't like when she's like not confident and wishy-washy and weird. I want her to be saying.

I think she's strong in the failure of her to be saying... I think she's still strong. I think she's strong in the failure of her business, actually. I disagree with you on that. I think that she's not sitting there, she's not crying, she's not like, she's just basically stating, she has a very realistic perspective on it,

which is that she overexpanded, she bit up more than she can chew, she got herself into a mess, and now she has to like deal with it. And I think that she's been actually handling it much. Uh, like, can you imagine if it was Tamara talking about cut fitness,

being like, Oh, we have work floors. And she's crying. You know, that's to me is not a strong business. Well, I don't mean that she's crying or whatever.

I mean, in the sense that instead of just accepting failure so easily, I'd like her and, and saying things like, you know, I need to spend more time with my family. I can't handle it. It's just too much. You know, I don't have, it's so busy, busy, busy.

Instead, I want her to be, this is my business. I love it because I started it and I really want to do it. And it means everything. And even if we have to do it with five people and start from the ground up, we're going to do it. And we're going to come through.

And we're going to have interns now. Forget this. And she did, by the way, have a huge Instagram thing like, be my intern. I was like, oh, that's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. But I don't know. I want to see her stronger in that way instead of just being like, I'm a failure. I'm a failure.

I'm a failure. I'm a failure. I'm a failure. I didn't mind it. I thought it was a nice moment of candid self-reflection. So anyway, so she goes home. Or 15 minutes of it. Yeah.

So she goes home and her children are like, Mommy, Mommy. She's like, hello. Hello, child one and child two. It was very strange. Her interacting with these small people. Hello, little things that came out of a woman we hired. to these small people.

Hello, little things that came out of a woman we hired. And then, randomly, Michael Sam, first gay football player, and his then boyfriend,

fiance, whatever, arrived because we found out that Caroline met them at the Abbey, which then had me asking, why were we not

at the Abbey to meet Caroline? We could have been friends with Caroline. She could have flown us to her house and we could have been all buddy-buddy.

No, that's not how it happens. You have to be famous because famous people see each other and they're like, oh my God, you're famous too. Okay, someone buy that other famous person a drink because we're both famous. And they're like,

hey, what's up? Yeah, this place is great. Yeah, I know, I love gay people. Let's go to lunch. Yeah, gay people. Woo-woo. It's like girls screaming at bachelorette parties gay people. Let's go to lunch. Yeah, gay people. Woo-woo. It's like girls screaming at bachelorette parties and stuff. It's so not fair.

It's like when hot people both immediately acknowledge each other and are like, well, we can be friends because we're both hot. And it's like famous people do that too. Why can't we be with them? Well, listen, I have that with other people too. I mean, I have it with junk people, too. I mean, I have it, like, with junkie people, or people who are really mad. Like, we all have our others in life that we can

just give a little nod to and be like, yes. They get it. I get it. I get it. I feel your pain, and also your joy. I know. So, anyway, so, what I love, though, so Michael and Vito, Mike and Vito, they show up, and they're like, oh, hi, hi, and she's like, oh, so Michael and Vito, they show up.

They're like, oh, hi, hi. And she's like, oh, good. Here, do take the children up to the bedroom. She's like, immediately puts them to work. She's like, get these children out of there. Bye. Goodbye. Don't let the bed bugs all out.

When you're done, I'm going to show you how to organize the silver drawer. So then we go to Annabelle fles flashing out ideas for her children's story. And it's really a great little story for kids because right now she is working on some ideas about the swamp world of the me, me, me's. The me's. The me's. They're called the me's because they're all versions of me. Different little versions. There's a happy me.

Look, that's me happy. Don't acknowledge her. There's the me that's possibly worried about tripping over something. There she is. That's called trippy me. Look at the bruise. That's a coffee table bruise. You can see by the angle.

It's a coffee table. When she said can see by the angle. It's a coffee table. When she said, hold on, what am I saying? I write too many notes. I have to read through paragraphs. I know, I've been writing a lot also. I need to really calm down. I'm really happy. They need trouble.

They need an enemy. Oh, that was great when she said, here's what I want. This is what they need. The me's need something. Maybe they could have an enemy, something that they could fight against. I'm like, yes, okay. Shakespeare is in Ladies of London this week. She's like, basic storytelling.

What do you think? Rock and roll. How about we have characters that have, they'll go through this. Arcs. Arcs. What a wonderful word. I inspired you to come up with that word. Oh,

it's like it just rose from the swamp. I just rose from a swamp of me's. What are you going to say? The word rose from a swamp. It's angry me and messy me. Well, really messy me is my sister, of course, because she's messy. I'm more rock and roll.

Dreamy me broken hip me bangs me bangs me tea time me Winona Ryder with a lot of opiates in her system me when I saw his work

I knew he was perfect for Adventure Time strong connections to all the me's I was cracking up because she doesn't even get half the things that she says are hilarious. She doesn't even know that she's being funny. But she said,

this is the me that was in pain when I was a little girl. I had just gotten out of children's psych ward for the 11th time. And this little me was just sitting there and it couldn't read it was dyslexic and i mean that was the easiest one to write but well isn't that ironic i know oh god i will say i mean i do think the art looks really cool in it i like that that art

does look super cool but i just it still cracks me up that she's like, rock and roll. And she's just in the most old lady house of all time. Everything's flowery and yellow. It's the exact opposite of rock and roll. She's like, I'm taking notes with the blue pen with gold stars. Gran got it. There's a diary to match it somewhere around here. It blends in with the lamp, so I can't quite find it sometimes.

You know, before we start talking about rock and roll me, I just want to ask you, would you care for some tea over FaceTime? Tea? Would you like some tea with some sugar cubes? Rock and roll! Rock and roll. You know, I came up with this idea of the me's when I was at hospital. Because when you're at hospital, you can't move. And your imagination, it goes to places.

Because you have to be creative. I'm like, bitch, you were on fucking heroin in the hospital. They were probably giving you Oxycontin or some shit. No wonder. Lots of wonderful rock and roll has been come up with on opiates, darling. And we got a classic Annabelle-ism, because then she says, this is the first project I've done since the passing of my friend Alexander McQueen. Alexander!

And then they showed a picture of them, and it was really cute. And I couldn't help but think to myself, wow, that was a long time ago. Yeah. Get up. Get out of bed. Make your bed. You know, it's like...

Spirit lives on. Alexander me. I haven't done... And I haven't worked... Wait, what did she say? I haven't worked on a project alone since Alexander passed. And I was like, you didn't work on the Alexander project alone?

What are you talking about? He was the designer in that. Darling! All right, come on now. Come back from the five in time, Jimmy Dean. Jimmy Dean. I'm feeling the pressure of being a leader. Grandma pen that matches couch,

I bet. Boring. And I bet this is why people fight you twice. Why are these women always fighting? Everyone could sit on FaceTime with someone they've hired writing notes with a granny pen in a Barnes & Noble book. No, excuse me while I go

look at old paintings of dogs and hunters. So then I have a note that is, I guess Caroline does something. And the only note I have in the scene is she's just talking again about the business. No, she's being so romantic. She's like, he's my best, my hubby, my soulmate. He's my other half.

That's what he is. And then it's her gay guy that she's talking to. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she loves him because he is, you know, she pays for him. And she just talks

and talks and talks and he just asks questions. So she doesn't have to ask. She doesn't have to worry about. What's it like being so fabulous and being so stressed at the same time, Mom? Oh, you're so wonderful. Tell me about it.

Do you feel sad about it, Mom? Pat, pat, pat. Oh, thank you, darling. Keep the patting up. I like that. Pat, pat, pat. By the way, I love that guy's sweater. He always wears this blue sweater that I really like. So... I give him credit for that. But I love that in the middle of that, she's talking about the stress of it all. She's's like I'm going to do this

I'm going to do that and then I have to come home and be perky with the kids that was your version of being perky with the kids children staring at them nose wipes clear them hugs

upstairs see you next week one of them looked at my boots with jealousy. I just can't. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. Little heathens. I'm afraid they're getting fat and lazy.

I want them out of my face. I don't care about your broken finger. Clear her. Clear the broken finger. Cut it off. It's beautiful. Oh, okay. It's beautiful.

Give it to me. We're best friends. These songs that come on this show kill me. It's a beautiful day. We're driving in the car together. I love you so much. In the car. It's like literal.

Right. Then we hear Annabelle asking Julie, do you know Rafe? I just imagine that Annabelle just goes through life asking everyone that. Excuse me. Do you know Rafe? No, no. Okay. While eating an apple.

I don't know why it's so confounding seeing somebody eating an apple. It was weird. Alexander loved apples. I just never see it. I like things you can just pick up off the ground and take a big chunk out of them. Rock and roll. Alexander's favorite computer was an apple. Rock and roll.

I love apples because it's just sadness and desperation going down my throat as I think of all of those emails that Alexander would be forwarding me. Sometimes I wish I were a worm in an apple, but not like a normal worm, like one of those cartoony worms that comes out of an apple. That's what I want to be with Alexander.

Worm me. Worm in the apple me. Eating apple. Okay, found that note. Eating apple. There's one meeting guy who runs it meeting to get

a take so what they were doing cute vampire look every time they show Julie

she's a different kind of vampire this time she had brown eyes and

I don't know cutest vampire ever though nicest vampire ever um so stressful having to eat

blood did I burn the blood did I burn the blood oh my kids hate me oh my god I am such blood did I burn the blood did I burn the blood oh my kids hate me oh my god I am such an idiot

I seasoned the blood with garlic now I can't even eat this I ruined the whole dish oh my god um so uh they

they're at Mapperton oh no they're not at Mapperton they're meeting Julie's cousin um Rafe because Rafe

runs a different estate and they want to get some tips from Rafe about uh how they could maybe run and they want to get some tips from Rafe about how they could maybe run Mapperton and get some more revenue. The Monogues can make money. Why can't we make money? Monogues can make sandwiches.

So his big tip, you must have good floor mats. You must, especially without the gravel. Door mats are important. She's like, I am the door mat. That's perfect. Okay, well, that's checked off. What's next? And then Caroline Fleming is there,

and she's like, oh, yes, I have a stay-at-home, too. And in olden days, I would give little footies so that way you don't have to worry about gravel. It is such a wonderful, romantic place in the olden days in Denmark. But I love Caroline Fleming. I love how I'm Fleming. I love your evolving Fleming voice. Well, it always changes over the course of the sentence.

I like it. But you know what? I love her because she is just so effortlessly aristocratic. It's not that she's even being a poser. She is spiritual and kooky, but then she just says these things very matter-of-fact. Like, oh, yes, I have a statehouse, too. And we just use footies instead of doors.

We just give everyone their own private doormats that they can just put onto their own feet. That's what we do in our olden times. It's precious. There's a way to make money in an estate. I've always said it's about the romance and the flowers and just think of the money in your heart and your spirit as the king once told me on a hunting trip in Africa. Oh, we must get more doormats and we shall. We shall get more doormats.

It has to be for our friendship. It just has to be. Your feet need to feel grounded. Can we get doorm mats in here that feel grounded? Because no matter what estate you're on, the important thing is that your guests walk in here with bare feet

and just for a moment feel the ground. And then feel the coconut oil under their feet in the ground. So in the background, I loved how this was just so British that in the background there was basically Mrs. White from Clue cleaning

candlesticks. I mean, did you see that maid? She was scurrying around in the background in the most old-fashioned down abbey maid uniform. I was like, is that Mrs. Padmore? Is that... I love Mrs. Padmore. Yeah.

And the guy, the butler guy was I know you know I bring up Ab Fab all the time it's such a random thing to bring up probably on this show because a lot of people haven't watched it I think but there is a really funny episode where they go to Morocco and their friend in Morocco is this old pervert and he's like ooooh

it's like this old perverted guy. And he looks like this guy. And I kept thinking of him the whole time. Welcome to Naphtal. I just think that's what all old British people are like. It's very important to have good doormat. Another important thing is to make sure that the walls are filled with things of interest.

Because as guests walk around the home, they need to see interesting things adorning spaces. And the things of interest, it was just like walls and walls of pictures of old, homely, rich people with bad teeth. And that's why no one smiled. They were like, make sure everyone has a closed mouth smile. So cute. But it was kind of like an Applebee's because you know how they used to have all those pictures next to each other on the walls? It's like that, but of homely, dead, white people. Oh, darling.

So they are walking around Mapperton. And Caroline Fleming has an idea for how to make all the money back at Mapperton, the other place. And Caroline Fleming has an idea for how to make all the money back at Mapperton. She's like, this is what you do. You make it to the place with the best afternoon tea and lemonade in all of Great Britain. People pay top dollar for lemonade. Especially if it's the best. And especially if you put a bookcase on all the tables. for lemonade. Especially if it's the best, and especially

if you put a bookcase on all the tables. This lemonade will be made with spirit and good intentions. And who doesn't want a lovely cup of that? And Julie, Julie, she's so cute.

I'm rooting for Julie. I hope she makes it work. Because, look, no one wants to get married to a rich guy and then realize they're poor. That's just sad. Or you're married and you're like, oh, my God, I have a job now. This sucks. But I'm rooting for her. And this whole brainstorming about having a cafe in there was cracking me up. Well, I don't know why I can't think of what to do.

I can burn hot chocolate for people. No, no. Well, I just, I don't know why I can't think of what to do. I can burn hot chocolate for people. No, no. Well, people can come just yell at me. My kids like doing that. No, no. All right, well, well, you know, we are called the sandwiches. And, you know, the Duke of Sandwich invented the sandwich. And sandwiches put people on the walls, you know.

Like if you go to a sandwich shop, they always have pictures of people on the walls. Let's put pictures of sandwiches on the walls. People putting pictures of sandwiches on the walls. It's like the of sandwiches on the walls. People putting pictures of sandwiches on the walls. It's like the opposite. She's like, how about you just make sandwiches, darling? I don't even know how I'm going to even run Mapperton because, you know, there could be people coming here. They'll be driving into the parking lot. I'm going to have to be, like, making sure no one gets hit by cars.

I'll be in that parking lot all day long. It'll be terrible. Okay. So before we tell people the special sandwich of the day, we're going to have a safety course. Okay, there's a spot over there. You can park your car there. Okay, look out. Look out.

Oh, you're in the car. Okay, never mind. You're safe. You're safe. Okay, you. You, look out. Oh, you're in the house. Okay, good.

Oh, my God. Three almost deaths. Okay, look out. Oh, duck. Mr. Duck, look out. Here comes the car. Oh, look out. Oh out oh okay the duck got out of the way poor thing cannot live in a home with windows she'll just be sitting there staring out the windows all day long the bird just landed on a branch that branch is about to break off what if that birds don't fall bird oh flew away. I forgot they can fly. Oh, birds are so I love birds.

So, do you want a club sandwich? Lots of little things adorning the walls. Okay, invented the sandwiches. Just sandwich place. She's like, yes, maybe you could even sell wraps. She's like,

what, will they be ball sandwiches? You know, I hear Juliet's really good at wraps. She's like, oh, will they be ball sandwiches? You know, I hear Juliet's really good at raps. She's like, oh, gangster rap, right? Huh? Is that what you meant? I'll be the delivery person. We got an order. Oh, God, I'm going out on the bike again, kids. All right, put on my helmet. Get my knee pads.

Get my bulletproof jacket. Get my hunting jacket, just in case anyone's hunting out there dear whistle and then we cut to a scene of Caroline um uh Stanbury

taking Michael Sam and his boyfriend and her and basically all the gay guys on a duck tour which was hilarious because it was such a proletariat thing to do

for Caroline and they were just like this is a fun little montage of them driving around the city and pointing things out. And Michael Sam was giggling at everything. It was a nice, fun little scene. There's a place you can go get a horse. And he's like, I thought you said whores.

And they're like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's like, you're dumb. Get off this show. You need to leave this show with your horizontal stripes and your patterns and your fedora and yourora and your quilted vest. All of you together, get off. Go away. Get off the doctor.

Clear. Clear the abbey. She's like, look, here's another abbey. Strangely enough, this is called Westminster, and there are no strippers in there beating you with their dongs. Just world leaders. Pauline, drive the duck tour. Alright, Mum. Rainier, Rainier,

steer it into the water. Bad news, Mum, we can't drive in the water. Oh, we're in a car. Rainier, get in the water. It's a duck tour for crying out loud. Just drive. Are you sure about this, Mum? We're on wheels. This lovely park we're passing

is the first place that Pauline jumped out of the car, moving at high speed. Do you remember that, Pauline? Bad news, Mum. Instead of driving into the Thames, I drove into that little pond in front of Buckingham Palace and now we're all under arrest.

Oh, crying out loud. How could you get your bodies of water mixed up, Rainier? This is why we're going under, quite literally. So then we go back. Okay, I'm looking through notes. So then we go back to Caroline Fleming.

They're the people who are up at the estate walking around. And Caroline Fleming, they're talking about Juliet and they're talking about how she can get so angry or whatever. And then Caroline Fleming says that she wants to help her because a lot of times when you act out, it's because something's gone wrong. And I just was like, oh, poor Juliet. Here she thinks she's gonna be able to

social climb with caroline fleming and instead caroline fleming feels pity for her that means that they will never be equals how john waters is this movie that's the thing i don't trust this fleming bitch i'm i'm sorry i don't like to me she's like a really popular rich girl trying to act like a hippie because she read that shit when she was five years old. Just like, well, she, yeah, sorry. I don't know. I don't buy it. I like her.

I like, I like that. She's a, uh, pretending to be hip because we know she's got a bitch side and it comes out later this episode. But what I love, wait till it blooms.

Yeah. It's about to bloom. Cause you know, I mean, she's an aristocrat. Most of the biggest cut fitnesses. You heard it here first. Never doubt me,

but she's going to be a wonderful one. She's going to be, she's going to be a cut fitness that we like, you know. But I love that Caroline's... Oh, well, Juliet actually goes to Caroline's place. Well, she's like, I'd love to help Juliet. You can

give a man a fish or you can teach him that fishing is non-sustainable in today's economy and if they really love themselves and their children they would go to markets and ask what has antioxidants and how they could stop talking about it's like oh god she's gonna go help the poor sad juliet well she had a very condescending thing to say, although I think she didn't mean it condescendingly.

It just came off that way. She's like, I would love for her to take my advice because it is the kindest thing she could do for herself and the kindest thing she can do for anyone else. Yes. Oh, that was a nice little pat on the back. Yes. The kindest thing you can do for anyone is to take my advice. Yes, she needs it.

Hopefully she's learning things. That whole scene was so awkward because Juliet's like, Hi, I brought you a box of wine and a Diet Coke because I didn't know which one you'd want. Cool place. I mean, it's cool. What do you do? Do you have a PlayStation?

What do you do here? It's cool. That's exactly what it was. They were not connecting. Juliet's like, I've always wanted to know how to make pesto. And Caroline's like, how lucky is that? The kindest thing you can do is take my pesto recipe and make it for other people. Dang.

And then she's like, do you like almond butter? Want to taste my almond butter? I've made my own. You must try my almond butter. Oh, look at this. I must try my almond butter. Oh, look at this. I've knitted this myself. I should give you my second cookbook because you love the recipes.

She's showing her the second cookbook, which is like early 90s pinup calendar from Vanity Fair, if that makes any sense. Like a semi-classy, weird, dated. I don't know. It's weird. You know there's like some shit wrapped in phyllo dough i mean while juliet has has like her mouth is full of almond butter i can't speak she's like oh yes that's the point here have some more yes yes have some more almond more almond butter more almond butter have i told you how i jerked myself off with some coconut oil recently? Yeah, almond butter, almond butter.

That's her laugh too. How lucky are you to be gagged with my homemade almond butter? What's that? You want more? Here, more almond butter. Take it, take it, take it. How lucky are you? So kind of you to eat my almond butter. I crafted the spoon that you're eating right now. When I was in a village in Rwanda, I wasn't there helping. I was just feeling the ground and I thought to myself,

there needs to be a better spoon. So I created it. Well, I'll be honest, I was watching Hotel Rwanda and really just a commercial for it but I thought to myself, we need better spoons and how lucky are you to have this spoon of almond butter

in your mouth. As the credits rolled for Hotel Rwanda, I sat Indian style on a sofa made by children in China, and I thought to myself, movie... That was the greatest comedy I'd ever seen. I said to myself, film, I have just watched you. How lucky are you? The kindest thing

that I could do would be to watch your film and tell people like Juliet about it. How lucky is Juliet to have my film kindness. Hotel Rwanda finally understands what it feels like to have been seen by me.

That is a gift that I have given it. And that is a gift that will last far longer than any stay at a hotel, especially in Rwanda. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own,

she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Coconut oil.

Masturbate with it. How lucky are you to learn that? Oh, coconut oil. You use coconut oil. I use iturbate with it. How lucky are you to learn that? Oh, coconut oil. You use coconut oil? I use it because you melt it. It's wonderful. It's like, yeah.

You melt it, and then it's oil. I also use it on my skin. I have a lot of fun with it. What do you mean? What? What do you mean a lot of fun? I mean, it's like oil, so. That's cool.

On my vagina. You know, I use it on my vagina. What? Why do you? That's like, your vagina smells like coconut oil. Are you talking about your real vagina or your bench that looks like a vagina? Which one? Oh, that is so kind of you

to ask about that because I have two vaginas. Yes, that's my secret. Wow. I don't want to sit on either one of them. Am I weird? Do you think I'm weird? Almond butter! Almond butter! No, please, no more almond butter. Oh my god.

Oh yes, no, yes, yes, yes. I was born a Baroness. I was born a Baroness. She's like, oh, well, that's cool. No. She's like, well, I used to go to Dairy Queen a lot, so I guess I know something

about royalty. Here's what I've been taught, and I want to share with it. I want to share it with you so you can learn everything I know about cardboard fruits. She's got those bowls of those

painted fruits. Make sure they look organic. Use organic, recycled cardboard for your fruits. Okay, my kids order pizza, so whatever. Use organic recycled cardboard for your fruits. Okay. My kids, like, order pizza, so whatever. Okay, cool. Hanging out with you.

Would you, like, maybe put something on Instagram or something so people know? Oh, we must. We must put it on Instagram. But first, I must feed my dogs, and I'm afraid they don't like to have an audience. So goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for coming. That's how I imagined it ended.

So then we went to the bowling scene. Finally it was time to go bowling. So of course Annabelle didn't go which is a shame because that's the one thing I wanted to see was Annabelle in a wig bowling but of course she didn't do that because she's too rock and roll to bow. I'm rock and roll not rock and bow. I'm rock and roll, not rock and bow.

I do rock and roll sports like hunting for game and pheasants. Bridge. Now there's a sport. Croquet. Rock and roll croquet. Sometimes when I play croquet, sometimes I don't even aim for the little hoops. Rock and roll polo polo me

there is no bowling me rock and roll I'll be sitting back here writing things with a porcelain pen I'll be looking at real balls at william sonoma um maybe that's bonding because she was like telling me about jerking off so i don't know where i put that positive music for bowling caroline you can either be wonderful and positive or terrible oh yeah i'm sorry we left that scene

but she's telling juliet here's what you need to know about the world. You can be awful and obnoxious and terrible and unbearable for people to be around. Or you can be wonderful. Juliet's like, thanks for the random advice. It has nothing to do with me. So will you accept my Facebook request? So will you accept my Facebook request? Or is that like... Like, can we not do Snapchat?

Because that's going to go away in 10 seconds. And I think I need this to last a little bit longer than that. Oh, yes, we must. We shall. We must. Girls go bowling. Girls go bowling. Girls go bowling.

So Juliette has made bowling shirts for everyone everyone with nicknames and you know whenever you make nicknames for anyone on reality tv it never goes well so it's the one she gave to Caroline Fleming the classic yeah originals what was hers dream team the dream team you got a star on your place name the dream teams and the other ones with With Anwar. Did we talk, by the way, about the Lyme disease thing? Did we talk about that last week or this week? About how Bella and Anwar both have Lyme disease now. I don't think we actually talked about that. I think they have, like, touches of it.

It's this new Bravo kind of disease thing. Well, no. You know, it kind of annoyed me. We're digressing before we finish the bowling scene. But it really annoyed me that Yolanda Foster trot out her kids as if they have come down with some terrible, terrible disease. Lyme disease is not good. It's not fun. I'm not saying that it's just a trivial disease

but honestly in the northeast people get lyme disease all the time and they go to the doctor and they get people you know if you catch it early enough it's it's more or less not too much of a big deal but when she trots out her kids as if like oh look it's spread to my kids like you know like this is terrible this has to be stopped like it's e's Ebola. He's like, no, it's like, your kids, it's like, it's basically... But I don't think they have it now, because I think that, well, and of course I know everything I know from a headline, darling, but from what I read in that

headline, it just said Bella and Anwar had it, so I think that over the course of their lives, they've both had it or something? Yeah, I'm sure Soha has, like, probably, like, 70% of the population in the northeast it's you know it's so it's just it's it's one of these things where she wrote something or she said something somewhere she's like like i just want to raise money for a cure so that way my children don't have to you know that

they don't have to have a life of pain ahead of them it's like lady okay i'm glad you're raising money for lines please tell me she did not say that. She said something along those lines. Oh, my God. Listen, bravo to you for raising money for Lyme disease. That's not a bad thing. That's a good thing. But at the same time, please don't act like your kids. I don't know the severity of their Lyme disease,

but it really kind of made me feel like it felt icky to me. It felt like she was really exploiting her kids. That's not even something you should be thinking like, am I a good person or a bad person for feeling this? No, that's fucking disgusting and slimy. It's like having a press conference for bronchitis. The thing that's never been about Lyme disease it's chronic Lyme disease.

That's the difference. She's trying to make it like it's not just Lyme's disease, it's chronic Lyme's disease and doctors have argued for years that there isn't chronic Lyme's disease. That's not what I'm saying. It's Lyme's disease, by the way. What am I saying? Lyme's?

You keep saying Lyme's. I've gotten a few messages saying, being like, hey, Ben, can you tell Ronnie it's Lyme's disease, not Lyme's? Oh, Lyme. I keep forgetting to tell you. Lyme's disease. I thought it was Lyme's. Wasn't Lyme a person? No, Lyme is the town connecticut where it was first found

oh for christ's sake whatever lime disease um that sound that does sound worse though lime it's just one scary lime instead of a bundle um but yeah anyway it's chronic lime disease lime disease so she uh that's the big thing that she's trying to make it into that. It's not just this little disease that everybody gets. It's something that you're with the whole, it incapacitates you for your whole life and there's nothing you can do and blah, blah, blah. And well, if you, if you don't really agree, I mean, the doctors don't agree. Yeah. And she is untreated. It's bad. Give me a break. No one has Lyme disease for that long. No one does.

No, no, no. Here's the thing. If Lyme disease, and of course I'm not a medical professional and I'm speaking halfway out of my ass, but if Lyme disease goes untreated, there are definitely serious complications. I think you get like arthritic sort of things and it gets into your spinal. Yeah, yeah, of course. If it's untreated, you know, you can. It's a serious disease.

Definitely it can I don't doubt necessarily that Yolanda has Lyme disease or whatever I don't know I think she has depression but the point is this Lyme disease can be very serious

you have to get attention from people and so you're sick all the time that's a real thing i just but but the thing is this though it's like it's if you catch it if you catch it early which a lot of people do you know um it's it's very manageable it's not it's not nothing you ever want to have and nothing you ever want to deal with because there can be complications but i just feel like like lyme disease is good or bad it is that she's blatantly using shit for publicity and blah blah blah and now pulling her kids into it or they're really that neurotic now too that everybody

thinks they have something you know if both of your parents like both of my my sister and her husband are both gluten-free and dairy-free and you know they're like hardcore and their kids are very like food neurotic and kind of neurotic in general about certain things and it's totally because that's how and that's not good or bad I'm not dissing my sister it's just funny because you see other you see your own neuroses go on to your children you see the good and the bad go on to your children

so who knows maybe they are they all I don't know it's crazy I don't know I just don't like it it's like fake cancer your phony ass chronic Lyme disease. God damn it. That's going to ruin my life. You know that?

We have to stop these tics. So anyway, let's get back to Ladies of London. Sorry, that was my fault. I want a clock that only says talk. If you're going to give me a breath mint, I will only accept attack. I only want little me Elmo.

Cool. I got the other one, a cool me Elmo. Okay, so where we were before we started ranting against people with diseases? That's terrible. So Juliet got everyone nicknames on their bowling shirts. So Caroline Fleming is the first one to be put off by it because hers says cougar.

And she's a bit sensitive about being called a cougar. I think she probably doesn't like being called old and she probably doesn't like when the relationship that she has with a 30-year-old is called into question. So she's already a little bit on edge, but Juliet's like, no, no, no, it's good, it's cool. Like, you know, like, roll with it. It's cool, don't worry.

And she's like, all right. So she's like, so you're telling me I should just go with, I should be cool with it. All right. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. All right. All right. Sure.

Yes, yes. I am cool with this. Yeah. She was getting super pissed. But she was like. Marissa was really going for it. Well, no, no, no, no, no. Well, you're, well, that's, that's the thing.

This was Juliet first. And so first with Juliet, you know, she was like on edge, but she was like, okay, you could tell she's one of those things where she's like, I know I'm overreacting. Let me just pull it in and I'll be cool. So then Sophie comes in, and this is what I love, that Sophie's nickname was Frank the Tank. And Sophie is just like, I don't understand why I'm Frank the Tanker. She's like, well, you know, it's a movie about old school, but Will Ferrell goes running around the streets naked and just becomes a total drunken mess. I guess I'll take it.

That's not me. That man was in BVDs. I would never. I just like the idea that Sophie ever saw old school. And they probably call her Frank the Tank. Yeah. So then they start bowling, and it's all fun and silly. And then the music changes, so we know something bad is about to happen,

but we don't know what it's going to be. And Caroline Fleming is sitting next to Marissa. And someone's like, all right, Caroline, it's your turn. And then Marissa's like, lock up your children. She is coming back. I was like, dun, dun, dun. I was like, what? That was it? But Caroline Fleming was not having that at all.

Oh, that wasn't it, though. She didn't like that remark, but then Marissa just kept pelting her with them. Yeah, because she was already sensitive about being called a cougar, and then Marissa kept on going at it. She's like, look out for the little boys. Hey, little boys. She loves little boys. Hey, she's going to go after you, little boy. Little boy, little boy, little it. She's like, look out for the little boys. Hey, little boys. She loves little boys. Hey, she's going to go after you, little boy.

Little boy, little boy, little boy. You look like a little. Oh, sorry. That's not her. You look like a little boy in your wig. Juliet's like, yeah, because you like little boys. You like little boys. Yeah, you like little boys.

Smile like a little boy lover. Now the two idiot Americans are friends again for whatever reason and so they're acting like fucking idiots again and i missed that i missed when they were just getting in trouble as those stupid americans and caroline you know since caroline fleming is still um part of the the the aristocracy you know she handles it like an aristocrat which is that her face becomes her face becomes, her face becomes just cold and silent, and she just stops acknowledging them, and in giving

Caroline Stamper, it was like, well, you know, you cross her goodbye You're dead Raina used to be her best friend, now she works for me, that's what happens There's a reason Raina has two fake legs Don't fuck with the Fleming, all right?

At the end of the day, they'll hug you, but they'll also smother you. Stay away from the Flemings. Caroline Fleming's bench is actually a mold of Raina's ass after Caroline kicked it. Big old dent in there. Pauline, hold back Valentina. I don't want her going near Fleming.

Hold her. Hold her. Pauline. Oh, Pauline, stop crying. Why are you still crying? We're bowling now, Pauline. Oh, Jesus. What's she looking at? What are you looking at, Pauline?

She's got an M&M at the bottom of her purse, Mom. Is that right? It's a bait, Fleming. So, yeah, they're making the jokes. And everyone's in their stupid wigs by the way which is hilarious and they're all sitting on these the bowling chairs but the the two American well Julie's an American girl too

but the two bratty American girls are sitting there texting on their phones on insta giggling like idiots it is so funny they're like two it's the picture of two stupid Americans we're all them at one time or another yeah so that was really fun for me and then well then caroline the squint and nod when you know what you've made if this were a novel and fleming got angry it would say her eyes narrowed

you know when they say that i love that description. And she looked especially pissed off because she was in a little brown bob. So she looked even more evil. So she was just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, goodbye, goodbye. And then she eventually leaves. And then Marissa, she picks up on these vibes and she goes to Sophie. She's like, do you

think Cougar is mad at me? And Sophie's like, no. And cuts to Sophie in the confessional being like oh yes very mad very very mad yes yes marissa asked the gay so like what's wrong like i want some tension i want some tension in the room and he's like well you know you called her a child molester remember that and then remember how you were talking about how she liked to finger little boys bungholes? I mean, that was pretty...

Do you remember the time you said that she should get a white van and start trolling schools and kidnapping babies in the hospital straight out of the womb and then raping them? She's like, oh my God, maybe I went a little far. He's like, yes, maybe so. Jeez. I fought with Jules at a party.

Oh, we know, Juliet. This is the other drama that they keep trying to insert, which is the fight. And then they kept flashing back to this big fight in last week's ladies' one. But why did you say that

in front of her? Because I didn't want you... Now I'm in trouble. Well, I didn't want to get you in trouble, but I love you. But I don't even know why you did that in front of her? Because, like, I didn't want you. Now I'm in trouble. Well, I didn't want to get you in trouble, but I love you. But I don't even know why you did that. But you did it. Uh-huh.

Okay, so then you're doing it. No, don't say that. No, you're doing it. No, I didn't. Yes, you are. I don't even know what they're talking about. It's so crazy. And they keep inserting it again and again.

And then she's like, yeah, so I had this bowling party so that I could, like, I guess, like, make up with Julie. It's like when I got bowling shirts the same color as her hair. She's just, like, face. She's all face right now. And then they had the best. Julie really just needs a hug, you know. And I wish I could hug her. Julie, I hope you're out there somewhere feeling hugged by me. Because I really do love you. And she just needs a little you know and i wish i could hug her julie i hope you're out there

somewhere feeling hugged by me because i really do love you and she just needs a little hug you know all juliet had to do was say she was sorry which she i guess kind of did not really not technically but she's like remember remember when we had that drama and like i think it was like misunderstood because all i was trying to say was that, like, you're great. And, like, I really love, like, your yoga. And Julie's like, yeah. I mean, I think what we should agree on is that that whole argument was just us trying to love each other. It was just trying to be there for each other. It's like, yeah, okay.

Yeah. Let's just agree that we both are there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Julie has the sweetest way of looking at the world. She's like, well, sure, you know, there are wars and things, but really it's just people trying to hold hands, you know?

Julia's like, have you tried almond butter before? I just had it. It's disgusting. Like, who does that? I hope that child she's dating knows how to use a blender, because she sure doesn't. She's going to choke him to death. What? What'd I say? What'd I say? Where are you going?

What? Oh, God, now she's mad at me. Bowling fail. Strike. Valentina, strike. Valentina, here, take these awful bowling shoes and wear them for the rest of your life. I don't want to see anything else on your feet. I don't know what that means. Oh, ladies of London.

That was longer than the show. We talked ladies of London for an hour and 28 minutes. Oh, my God. We were crazy. We have to stop taking as many notes because we are like we're going through every like minor detail now it's crazy but they're so fun i know things that we joke about that are just little tiny things at the beginning they really do later on in the episodes and it's so so funny i sometimes i sometimes wonder if maybe editors uh listen to this or any part of it. Because back when I was writing for TVgasm

and I used to do recaps for The Hills, at that time those recaps were really popular and I learned that the entire staff of The Hills was reading them. Everyone, like Lauren was reading them, the executive producers were reading them, the editors were reading them, and there were all these in jokes that you know would come up as they do when you when you're recapping a show or like when we're talking about our podcast and so they started adding these little things in the show almost as like a nod to the recap and

then i mean i wouldn't know as a recap it was a nod to me. But it was like something, it was like, oh, I can make that joke again. Like I had a recurring joke about Lauren Conrad's cat. So they started to include more cutaways of the cat. You know, it was like a little like, hey, like this is for you guys, you know? So I sometimes wonder with some of these shows, do they ever, are they ever just throwing us little bones or are we just crazy? It would be cool if they were. I don't know. I think a lot of people listen to all sorts of stuff.

Like, we all know what Raider Online. You know, we all listen to Bravo fans. I've learned in the recap site, the people we get emails and stuff from are the people from the shows. It's either the people who are Googling themselves. They're probably the biggest audience because they're Googling themselves, and they want to read what other people are saying about them and stuff like that. That's kind of funny. But then I can't think of it like that because if anybody is reading it or listening, you know, we're so rude and then I feel bad. And I'm like, oh, but that girl was nice to me on Twitter and now I was mean.

But, you know, you have to be mean to everyone equally. Yeah, that's true. It's what the Bible says. Tis true. Tis true. Treat your neighbor how you want to see them treat other people. Horribly. Stab them.

Judge them silently on the Internet. Kill them. Judge them loudly. Silently. Loudly slash silently. Loudly slash silently. it feels private doesn't it it does and that's the problem is that it's not private at all

it's not a problem okay I've got to close my internet it's distracting me I'm closing my Facebook I'm getting distracted by things and I'm not paying attention to you dear Ronnie I'm not paying attention we still have Below Deck. A really entertaining

episode of Below Deck. Did you love it, Ben? I certainly did. No, you did not? No. No, it was funny. I was cracking up the entire time. I have to say, I say Maid's on a Boat a lot. I was cracking up the entire time. I have to say, I say maids on a boat a lot.

And I enjoy the show in general. But sometimes it gets to be just people being maids. And look, I'm not saying it in a judging way. I've been a waiter since I was 14. But come on, guys. No one wants to watch me at wait tables. Or maybe they do. Maybe I've missed a huge opportunity.

You're wrong. As long as it's interesting, I think this was fun. I mean, the first 20 minutes. How are you? How are you guys? I'm the fakest cut fitness in the world. I love it. Go on, Ben.

Sorry. Open. Open, Ben. Open. So I believe the episode began. I actually didn't write notes for it. So I put all my notes so I put all my notes of attention into Lays of London

but I can go off memory there's nothing wrong with going off of memory because that's what we're all going off of after all isn't that true right? I don't have a memory man I've got 97 pages of notes so don't worry it began with the gang going off

to their day off their day off on a resort, because the owner of the boat, a.k.a. Bravo, is like, hey, have a day off and go get drunk somewhere. You know it's a day off on Below Deck when the terrible paddocks blind you on the TV. That is so many. There are so many patterns in those suitcases that need to be retired. How about everybody just start wearing solid colors for a year?

I'm getting old. Your poor patterns, your poor person's patterns are blinding me. They wear solids all day long. I guess that's it, isn't it? It's their way of having expression. Opposite of polyester and solids.

Yeah. Cotton flowy patterns. So Amy tells us again, Amy's cute. She's like, look guys, I know I'm a maid, okay, but you know, there is time for leaning and there is time for cleaning. And right now, it isn't time for leaning. I'm gonna be

leaning on this bar, you guys. She's like, this is why I got into the yacht industry. It's because of the perks. You know, like having one day off in four months to go hang out with my co-workers for a day, and then you're back to cleaning. Where else do you

get to wake up, and sometimes you're in a handsome man's bedroom cleaning up after him and making his bed. Sounds like a goal accomplished to me, y'all. Hey, Starfish, you come with me? We're going to the resort for the day. Have a good time.

Kick back, have some margaritas, and clean them up afterwards. Want to come, Starfish? She is so cute. I like it. I know. I love being on the yacht. You know, every week there's a new man who comes on here, and then at the end he just pretends he doesn't know me and walks away. I mean, it's just starting to feel like a blanket, a blanket of polite rejection.

You know, I mean, it's as comfortable as cotton. It's the way it should be, you know. People just ignoring me. It feels good. It feels right. Feels like home cutie amy tells us again she's a maid yeah they all go to chili's together yeah they stay at little cottages kate has a drink alone yeah case like this is my idea of a vacation avoiding everyone else specifically leon i will sit here and read a book in the corner. I will sit here and I will read a magazine while I look at a bunch of people I can boss around but don't have to listen to.

Oh, heaven. People talk about the new guy being a scary drunk. Yeah, because he is. And then you see him shirtless in the water like, whoa, water. Well, he was totally obnoxious. He's like, well, I'm going to... He's like, Marguerite, bring me my drink.

Yeah, I'll give you a hundo. I'll give you a hundo tip. And then later on, he's like getting behind the bar. He's like, what? I can do whatever I want. I gave her a $100 tip. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. That's the problem.

And he should know, as basically a mate on a boat, that tips don't mean that you get to control the person. Tip is an act of appreciation. You don't, like, then get to call the shots. You don't get to drink $1,000 worth of free alcohol just because you tip someone to get $100, you dumb dumb. It's called stealing. Stupid idiot.

And I don't think he is a mate on a boat. I think he's just bravo casting he's like some rich kid who was surfing and they were like hey i heard this tv show is like looking for hot people on a boat he's like yeah i've been i love boats like they go on water they're so fucking cool man like who invented the boat think about it that's so stupid okay so i'll just give you notes and then i'll let you comment here's that that's fun sure okay so rocky how cool is it to say i went surfing in the bahamas and then i cleaned a carpet yeah i'm like i actually don't think it's that cool to say you went surfing the bahamas like

it's a pretty standard place to go surfing i imagine it'd be cool if you said if you said how cool is it that i said i went surfing in north korea if you said, how cool is it that I said I went surfing in North Korea? Okay, that's cool. How cool is it that I said I went surfing off the coast of Guam? That's cool. How cool is it that I went surfing in a place where there's, you know,

generally a lot of people surfing? Would it be cooler if I sang it? I went surfing in the Bahamas before I entered the lint trap. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Surfing, surfing safari, but no safari, just a Firefox or a Chrome browser.

Out damn spot. Out damn spot. Shakespeare's back. Shakespeare's on to his next play called Below Deck. Amy is feeling in the middle of... She's feeling hurt. She's in the middle of Kate and the chef.

You know, it's very difficult having two brilliant, wonderful minds, and then you're right in the middle of it. I just feel like that person who's stuck in between two big minds. I love having two people to be in between. Well, it was kind of funny because she says to Kate, she's like, well, Kate, now that we got a lot closer, I can tell you that sometimes when you and Leon go at each other, I kind of feel caught in the middle. And Kate's like, oh, well, I guess we're not close. It's like, oh,

whoa. You're not supposed to be in the middle. You're supposed to be resolutely on my side at all times. All right. Okay. That's fine. So you're sitting on a fence instead of resting comfortably on my lawn. So when you fall off and break your head on Leon's sidewalk,

please don't call me. And please remember to paint the fence after you're done sitting on it. Thank you. Thank you. And do it with a professional tone in your voice, please. If I'm spending my heart... I've worked hard for my money. I'm getting what I please. Please. If I'm spending my heart... I've worked hard for my money.

I'm getting what I want. Yeah. Fucking Dane. Okay. Amy misses Roper Shaw and Rocky in a snakeskin cheetah mixed top. Oh, Lord.

Emil with eye boogers looking all angry about vaginas not paying attention to him. Well, I mean, Connie gave Emil such terrible advice. Because what's her face

decide rocky is like i'm gonna go to sleep slash try to have sex with eddie and instead uh then connie's like hey hey emil why don't you uh go try to have sex with her he's like oh i guess i'll do it okay all right he's like but she said no you want a cuddle she's like do it anyway follow her anyway i was like, I don't know if that advice is very good to be giving somebody. Yeah, Connie, you may have to work on that a little bit. Eddie does a sideways hang on a stripper bar.

Emil binge eats and has cheese coming down his face. Poor Emil. Yeah, Emil always, she's just like... The first person to actually leave to be fatter than they came in. You're too good looking to eat that way. Stop it.

And then Dane starts telling drunken stories. Yeah. Oh, Dane tells us some story about like... I don't remember what it was. It goes on and on and on and it received the Bravo treatment of like five cross dissolves within one sentence to make it look like

it was 20 minutes long and they're all bored and leaving. At kim richards her drunken rants are at least entertaining i mean this guy is just like yeah so like it's a beer and like i love beer because like you know how like when you drink things there's like bubbles in your mouth i was like bro that's crazy like cheers so weird like you know when you're like sitting down one time uh it's funny with chairs it's like you know it's like they fit perfectly like on you like you sit on it and like it holds you and it's like what else holds you you know what else holds you when you're not a baby it's kind of crazy it's like my dad would say that i mean it's not really my dad

my stepdad but like we're close i mean i guess i call my dad like because i have a dad and stepdad and like we love like putting guns over our our you know like our bed like i have a shotgun my favorite thing to do is to get drunk and take the shotgun off and just like shoot at things it's just great you know amy's like his skin he is so boring that my skin went completely cold and i'm gonna use my palms to close my pores just like patting her face like i will close my pores. She was just like patting her face like, I will close my pores while listening to this crazy person talk about things. He's a customer. He's a customer.

Smile and take it. He's handsome. Possibly single. Has an addiction. Might not be able to be fixed. Sometimes broken things stay in the house. I mean, focus! broken things stay in the house. Amy, focus!

Connie go after Rocky. Dane alone at the bar. Amy and Connie sneak... Just press pause when you want. Amy and Connie sneak around to find their phone. Connie left her phone, but they don't want to deal with Dane, so they're trying to sneak up around him, and then Eddie's up there, and that's when Dane starts to get confrontational.

He takes literally an entire bottle behind the bar, which is not, by the way, his bar nor his bottle. He can't do that. And then he wants to drink it and he's like, yo, where are you going with that? He's like, put the bottle down. Put the bottle down. Dane, don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me.

Dane was being belligerent. This is the job that you have applied for, mister. And on this job he's like yeah i've applied for a lot of jobs bro don't be a staple dude you're a fucking staple you're a staple bitch is that like a basic bitch i guess that's like the version of basic bitch yeah i think he just made that i don't know he wasn He wasn't making sense. He was doing that drunk thing. I like that, though. You're a staple bitch. That is like the new basic. That'll be my new old basic.

He basically was in that state when you're like really drunk or like someone who's belligerent who's really drunk and then the world is against him like, fuck all of you. Y'all fucking don't know me. You don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're okay. Fuck you. Y'all fucking don't know me. You don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck. Fuck you. You're okay. Fuck you. Who's that from?

I think it's from Half-Baked. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're cool. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, he's that kind of guy. And then Alex P. Keaton is like, someone's out of control. I'm going to bring in some control. All right, cameras, get this for the captain.

He's like, listen here, buddy. You need to be more responsive. He's like, fuck you, you little midget. He's like, oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to point at your chest. Ah, fuck you. Oh, well, I'm pointing, and there's a thing called rules. Ah, fuck you.

All right, well, that's it. You put that bottle down. Put it down! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! I love your Eddie impersonation. He resorts to just straight up talking to a dog. He's like, drop it! Drop it!

So, Euler's giving me the guiltiest look right now, like I'm abusing him with my spirit. I am telling it to you. Drop the nothing you're holding. Do it. Valentino, drop it. Drop. Pauline, drop the jelly tart. Valentino, cup your hands below the jelly tart.

Catch it. Catch it. Pauline, spit it out. Dane fights with girlfriend on phone. Well, yeah, so what happens is the next morning, they're like fighting on the phone And then Captain Lee calls him

Into the Office or whatever it is The captain's office Well buddy I just wanted to have a talk with you Go ahead and sit down there And On yachts we sit down when we have meetings So go ahead and have a seat

Notice that I no longer have a sock tan on my ankle. Look at that. All right. Small talk's over. Now let's talk about you. Yeah, it's probably because, like, you know, I wasn't, like, acting myself on that trip. Yeah, well, that's one way to put it. You were acting like a drunk idiot self

with no education and no brains. Yeah, and he's basically like, well, I think, you know, I think that maybe I have a decision to make. I'm like, nope, buddy, I don't think it's up to you to make the decision. Here's your one-way ticket home. Here's your Southwest standby ticket.

Here's your Spirit Island, Spirit Airline flight ticket. Here's your Spirit Island, Spirit Airline flight ticket. Be careful. If they decide to buy a beverage or take a bundle of socks, they will charge you $35 per sock.

And I will not be reimbursing you for that, so that's going to come out of your... Here's your Southwest Boarding Group C. Final's your Southwest boarding group C. Final number in the boarding group ticket. Have fun on the way home. You'll be stuck next to Fatty McFatterson and Lady, who's pregnant

and has a newborn. Have fun. Bye. Bye. Luggage is free, though, so, I mean, those are your options. Pick one. I'll save one for Leon. So, and then Dane, the best teenager answer that we've all used after getting fired for the first time for not painting Bowling Rose properly. There, there's an ending to that story. Dane's reaction is like, well, yeah, I was going to come in and quit.

So, like, if he going to come in and quit. So if he needs to fire me to make himself feel better, then whatever, bro. Yeah, I know. I was like, shut up, Dane. Like the captain's just trying to save face. Dane quit. Oh, he's going to quit. That's going to make me look dumb. Better fire him.

Yeah, I really need to go on a power trip because manning an, multi-million dollar boat is not enough of a power trip for me. But you know what, though? Firing Dane, that'll do it. That's so stupid. The difference between us is that it's actually in a rulebook that I don't have to wear socks. Now that's called winning. Goodbye, sir. Good day. Good day. Good day.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Hey, hold this Kleenex and hold the railing as you go down. I want your fingerprints cleaned off that thing. Thanks a lot, idiot. I love the chef. So then they come back from there. I hate the chef.

I hate the chef. I love the chef. I love the captain. But I said I love the chef. I hate the chef. Oh, yeah. Hello. Can we have a meeting?

Oh, yeah. Kate's like, hello, can we have a meeting? Chef, would you please have the time in your busy schedule to possibly have an important discussion about professional behavior in the kitchen? He's like, hey, I've got an idea. I just made a whole cupcake tray. Go fuck yourself, you C-word. Would you like one? Well, that's not very professional, Chef.

Ah, all right. yourself yet, Seabird. Would you like one? Well, that's not very professional, Chef. Ah! Alright, yeah. I've just shit a bowl of professional in the toilet and I'm flushing it down. You want to come smell it go down, Kate? Leanne is such an asshole. He really is. I mean, I, in the beginning of the season, I thought his food looked, I mean, his food does look really good, but he is just

such a, such a putz. Darling, food looks goodz. Food looks good. It always looks good. Food. You can't give someone credit for food being delicious. I know. I guess I'm always hungry when I watch. Yeah, that's true.

But I do like that Kate is like, I love those rounded square frosted pattern plates. I know. Well, it was funny when Kate called this meeting with her and Leon because for a moment it looked like she wanted to say, you know what? I know we've had our differences, but let's just move on and be as professional as possible. But no, of course it's Kate. She's like, Leon, I just want to talk about, I have a meeting about your blatant unprofessionalism and like hopefully this next charter, you can keep it together so we can communicate and we won't struggle with your problems. He's like, you know what I think?

I think go fuck yourself. All right. Well, that's very professional. So stupid. Yeah. So then I think at that point, then there was a meeting in the brig or not the brig, but wherever the captain's room. Captain's office. There's a name for it, but I can't remember.

I don't know. The brig, it is? Oh, no. It's not the brig. It's a name for it, but I can't remember. I don't know. The Yacht Cockpit. Oh, no, it's not the brig. It's not the brig. But so basically the next charter guest is this guy who created tap-out clothing, which is associated with UFC, whatever, you know, things like that. And they're like health nuts. All right, these guys want healthy food.

Healthy food. How about the flanks of a cow's nostril? How about scallops? Scallop pancakes? Scallop French toast and a scallop smoothie. Oh, you know, they want their protein shakes. Oh, they'll bring their own protein because that's how people who work out do it. You know, I mean, when I work out, I always bring my own king-size Snickers, because I'm a professional.

I care about my body. That's right. My eyebrows look all right. I've got a fart or not fart. I've got a not fart. How lazy is he? He was like, all right, so I'll just, okay, so they'll bring all the healthy stuff, right? And they're like, no, you should get it.

And you'll get it tonight, right, Leon? So we won't get backed up. He's like, oh, I'll see about that. Well, they've got granola, don't they? I mean, that's what they do, these healthy types. They've probably got bags of granola in their backpack. Alright, see you later. I'm taking off. Alright, beef cheeks. Beef cheeks. I'll be masturbating to the

drawing of my future eyebrows. Do what you gotta do. So, already you can tell that Leon's gonna fuck something up. And then um and then oh i have the notes i'm so sorry okay yeah so alex rocky and oh and leon actually says in this it's too easy yeah yeah i love that is there such a thing easier than frozen conch really so alex sits rocky oh so he's sexting alex b keaton is in bed sexting rocky and she's in bed rubbing her boob and then he's like let's he's like hey uh it's

not you know let's break a rule and do it on a laundry machine she's like all right well that All right. Well, that sounds exciting. I love laundry. He's going to make me bounce. Stupid Rocky. Her head's always going up and down, and her face is always scrunching. She looks like someone's trying to figure out a layer on Photoshop. And she has that laugh like a little woodland creature. Like a little... It's like a...

I can't even do it. It's like... It's like a... But not. It's like... Like I can't even do it, it's like, it's like a, but not, it's like, like a weird, like, little chipmunk laugh, like. Yeah, so you hear it from, like, under a house. Yeah, it's like a really scary thing, like, it means trolls are coming, or gremlins, it's like, oh no, I can't do it, I'm trying every single type of giggle, and they are all not

quite right. They're all working for me, actually, I can hear do it. I'm trying every single type of giggle, and they are all not quite right. They're all working for me, actually. I can hear her under there. Sort of like that. Oh, my God. Who's listening to Ellen Green's greatest hits? Under the House. Under the house.

Suddenly, standing beside me. Don't need no makeup. Sorry. She goes in and bones him in the laundry room. It's like, oh, yeah. We've got time to leave. She goes in and bones him in the laundry room. It's like, oh, yeah. Oh, oh, God. It's time to leave. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is trying our different laugh fonts. I know. I just can't wait for someone who's listening to the podcast right now.

Like, their coworker walks by. Like, oh, what you listening to? Oh, this is a great podcast. I want to hear some of it. It's like. Basically sound like Jason and Friday the 13th. Or a petting zoo. I love petting zoos.

That's totally normal. Lyme disease. The other one got too near the poo-poo. She has Lyme disease forever. Get her an aspirin has Lyme disease forever. Get her an aspirin! Lyme disease forever. Welcome to the 90s. I always love the tour of the boat.

Every time it makes me laugh. It's basically just the same footage over and over, but it just kills me. It's like, welcome to the 90s. Robert Goulet farted on this bed once. Enjoy. And they're like, yeah, bro, that's awesome, dude. And you immediately think, I thought immediately,

that they're going to be dicks just because they're hot. And that's not really fair, you know? Yeah, I thought they were going to be dicks, too, because they were hot, tattooed. I mean, not hot, but they were worked out a lot. And they were UFC. No, they seem like they're pretty nice. What cracked me up, the main guy, I forget his name,

but he had a girlfriend. One of these typical women whose sole role in life is to be as skinny as possible and bang someone who's rich. I mean, let's just be honest. That's what she was. And the way she would walk around that boat, she's like, thank you. Thank you. Wow. Do you have kale?

I love kale. I really love kale salad. So please make sure that you've Thank you. Wow. Do you have kale? I love kale. I really love kale salad. So please make sure that you've got kale. Do you have kale? Thanks. She did the Kardashian voice. She was so ridiculous. And then they went to... They were going to go hunting for lobster, which is like the last season it was to

bust out the slide. This season it's lobster hunting. I mean, they must be out of lobster in this ocean at this point. And they're sitting sitting there they wait we they're waiting and waiting and waiting for her she's like doing her skin and her boobs are out and everything and her hair and we find out later that they waited like 45 minutes to an hour oh god that got me so mad i hate that so much i hate i hate waiting for one person when the whole group is there waiting for one person but especially when it's just like some asshole primping and over-primping for a lobster hunting session.

Just like get over yourself. Yes, like making sure that all the hair pieces are in place and she's like bronzing herself and making sure her big old fake tits are like standing properly on top of her top rib bone. Stop it, you know? And the problem is that she's the sort of person who's had everyone top of her top rib bone. Stop it. And the problem is that she's the sort of person who's had everyone wait for her all her life. She's clearly

like a spoiled brat on a certain level where she gets away with this because everyone waits for her. That's the girl who got a boob job for her 12th birthday. You know those girls? Their parents are like, well, she just wanted boobs, so we got them for her. Now she feels so confident

wasn't that great honey and she's like yes now everybody loves my boobs now my cheeks now my eyes oh you're so beautiful princess yourself out to some rich dude. Come on. Yeah, it really makes me mad. And, you know, it's just she is – she sort of represents a type of person, and it's the type of person that I hate. That's like 80% of the Whole Foods by my house. That's why I talk about it so much. I want to go on there and just start screaming. It's not

all those people, but it's a lot of those people just saying, yesterday you had this kale, but it was in oil and there was too much oil in it. Do you have a version with no oil and then I can put my own on like is it mixed

already like do you have can i wait can you do that while i wait it's like no bitch it's some fucking crappy manny's oil salad on the salad bar at whole foods it's salt and milk and grossness no they're not gonna fucking remake it for you right now while i'm trying to get a slice of pizza move your stupid stilettos over and get your hair out of my fucking face before i pull it out stop just get out of here thank you i got my own money to thank you thank you um i love that i'm mad about her just basically whoring herself out for some man's use and you're mad at her for making people wait for being late. Well, no, I'm mad at her for whoring out. No, it's both of those things.

I really do hate though. I really do hate when people make you wait a really long time and all you're doing is just to make yourself look better. I really don't like that. To look good to go lobster diving. Yeah, I mean I know. I think she thought this was going to be her big break.

She's like, it's the Bravo cameras. Yeah. She's like, honey, did you have your Peloton Shark? And Leon, of course, doesn't have protein shakes. He did not get protein shakes.

That was the best part. He got some pre-mixed drink in a can and they're like, no, bro. For geriatrics. Amy said, it's for geriatrics.

Amy is mortified. Now that, that is just what you give old people. I know, because I used to pour it in a wine glass and pretend I was going on a date with my great uncle Lou. Oh, that was so funny. He grabbed my butt once, and then he just stopped returning my calls. You know, I saw a sea turtle once, and then they get real old.

So I put it in a martini glass. I was like, sea turtle, let's have a date. I know you're old. You like this. He was like, no, ma'am. And he just swam off. I was like, okay, I'll drink it for you. Bye. The first date I went on with

the Sea Turtle, I said, why do you move so slow? You don't have to move slow. I believe that you have speed in you. So I gave him some of that geriatric drink and he died. I'm still getting over that. That was a tough one. I threw him back in. I really, you know, I thought there was

hope for us. You know, he was really shut off. Like, he just was really in his own shell, and I thought I could really draw him out. But, no, that was just actually just what he does when he sees humans. So, I guess we just never got off the right foot, or to flip it in his case. Every time I'm in the middle of the ocean, and I'm at that part of the ocean where you don't see land, like you can't see anything, well, that's where I left that poor little turtle. And I still think of him every time we pass that point. I say,

Bye, turtle. I could have loved you. Bye. You're good enough. You'll be faster in heaven, turtle. Bye. I think the most awkward moment that we ever had was on our first date when sea turtle was like, what's your favorite thing to eat on a date? And I said, oh, I love turtles. And he got all scared. No, I said, no, sea turtle. I mean the chocolate and the caramel and the nuts. And he was like what's the fate what's your favorite thing to eat on a date and i said oh i love turtles and he got all scared no i said no sea turtle i'm in the chocolate and

the caramel and the nuts and he was like no i don't believe you and we just never got we never got past that that's for sure i'm sorry turtle died i went back to finish up the date and even though that tea party was imaginary i got a bill i still got stuck with the bill. I'm telling you, I have the worst dates. Sleep turtle. I like how every week we put her on a date with a different creature from the sea. So at some point also there was dinner. I don't know if dinner was before this. Oh, guests hate scallops.

So they want healthy things. And he's like, well, what's healthier than a scallop flash frozen the minute Trader Joe's catches it? Am I right? So he makes up a couple of lame-ass scallops, and they're like, gross. I will say this.

Scallops, I mean, in terms of healthiness, scallops are fine, and they look good. Yeah, of course they're healthy. But these people were just like, oh, scallops. Slimy, like a bugger. Scallops. Yeah. But anyway, go on.

Yeah, they kind of didn't get it, which was funny. And Kate loved it. I'll say that at the end. Kate loved this. She's like, oh, Leon, I don't think they're liking the scallops that much. That's weird. I would like you to notice how professional I'm being, Chef, when I mention that the guests ask that we decapitate you in front of them

so that they can eat your head without being cooked because it would still be better than the scallops you just cooked. Okay, Chef, it'll just be a five-minute meeting. Thank you. Do you have a chef's coat that you can wear for it? Okay, great, great. And of course, he won't even talk to her,

and he's still so mad about the same stupid thing, because he's an arrogant blowhard, and he can't get past anything, and he's so offended that a woman would dare speak to him like this ever. And so he just does the typical not speaking to her and slamming frozen food down on the table. And he says things like this. I hate people like this.

And then he goes up to the guests. It takes two to tango with me. It takes two, okay? So you want a little tango? Fine, I'll give you a take. I'm like, stop talking about tangoing. You've never tangoed in your life. You're like 50 pounds overweight

you're single you're stuck in the middle of an ocean with nobody and nothing and you can't even keep friends with people who are actually trying to be nice to you because there's a camera around you're a dick

exactly and then he goes up and he meets with the people and he's like all smiles and trying to be like oh I guess the scale up no no scale up you just

oh alright that's alright he's like all laughing. Like, hey, I'm easygoing Leon. He comes back down. He's grumbling and Amy's like, hey, Leon. You know, I tried your scalps. I thought it was delicious. I think, you know, just not everyone has an adventurous palate. Like, doesn't say anything. And she's

like, oh, I get it now. Kate, I'm no longer on the fence. Oh, she really went in, though. I was kind of proud of her because it was actual, not passive. It was passive, but it wasn't overly aggressive. It was just, it is her place to say something, for Christ's sake.

Like, that is her job. She was being supportive. She's like, it was really good. She was checking him, for sure. She's like, Chef, you know, I just really, you are so talented. I mean, those plays, you are so talented. I mean, those plates, they are just delicious.

But I've noticed that maybe you're a little. Oh, yeah, that's right. You're right. The burnt out. You're not really feeling it. Are you feeling funny? Because I understand. Do you need a hug?

And he's like, like grumbling, slamming food on the table because here's another woman. Because the guest had asked, requested a chicken quesesadilla and so then he's like all mad and they're like it's the easiest thing you can make but she she was saying like you know maybe are you getting burnt out like you sort of make the same thing every time maybe you know when you do that maybe you get burnt out and he's like fuck off fuck off yeah and he's like for me a chef you know i chef That's just about creativity And look at you So creative because you're a chef So I know that there's creativity in there

But you just keep making the same thing over I mean you have You could blow them away If you wanted to Do you want to Do you want to He's like if I wanted to, I could.

I could blow them away if I wanted to. Oh, really? He basically did the same, like, it was a variation of what Dane, what you're talking about with Dane and the,

you know, talking about the power trip, how, like, as a teenager, you'd be like, well, I was going to quit anyway. You know, this is, well, I, you know,

if I wanted to blow them away, I could if I wanted to. It's like, no, you, and that's, that was actually what really pissed off Amy because then she went to Kate and was like, if you wanted to, you's like, no. And that was actually what really pissed off Amy because then she went to Kate and was like, if you wanted to, it should be like,

and she's right, every single time you should be trying to blow them away. Not like you decided that you don't want to blow them away now. She is burnt out, aka cruise line chef cruiser. You know, if I go to sleep and I know that someone is up in their cabin right now and they are pulling out their wiener to go pee-pee and they look down there and they see that that toilet paper is not folded into a diamond,

I know that I have just affected their feelings and that I can't sleep. Who doesn't care about their job? This is crazy. I just don't get it. You know, I would totally hire that girl to do anything ever. Oh, 100%. And Kate, too, to be honest. You know, when I was like, you know, I know things didn't work out with me and

Sea Turtle, but you know what? I tried. I gave it 110%. I didn't leave anything on the table. I left it all there. I left it all there. I gave it all, Liam. I don't get burnt out. I just move on to the next thing. Hey, jellyfish. You shouldn't be burning out you should be burning up with excitement for work come on leon he's like die die bitch i'll drown you in this i'm gonna knock you over the head with the frozen conch then i'm gonna drown you in the sink and the water feels slowly because

we're on a boat so i'm gonna watch you squirm she's like man that's what i like passion good job good talk so uh alex p keaton is whistling around the boat now because he got some pussy he got some crazy and you know alex p keaton loves the crazy pussy because he will only date crazy people. He's only attracted to crazy people. And he got Rocky on the laundry machine. So he's like, ah, hello, everybody. Wow, great job on those rules. Did somebody dust this picture frame? Amazing.

Whoa, smells like delicious food in here. Great job, Leon. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. It's like the Beauty and the Beast chick walking down the street. And everybody's so nice because she's just always so fucking cheery.

But then she passes and they're like, did Belle get some dick last night? She's very nice. She's usually a bitch, but today she's nice. Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour. Hello, everybody. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. bonjour bonjour bonjour hello everybody good morning good morning good morning oh my goodness

rocky's vagina probably sang like sunrise sunset poorly and he was like wow well at least he wasn't doing anything from aladdin like one step stealing things from sauls they're way too white to do things from aladdin they can't even do that ironically. Clear them. Clear. Eddie, good mood cause pussy. Compliments. Client wife. Oh, yeah.

Oh, not wife. Girlfriend. It's our anniversary. How about a surprise? Like, maybe you guys could get him like, tortillas and cheese. Because he says he likes healthy things. But quesadillas, a way to a man's wallet is through cheese and two tortillas and cheese, because he says he likes healthy things, but quesadillas, a way to a man's wallet is through, cheese and two tortillas, get me, girl. And Kate's like, yes, I will make an order.

She's like, oh my God, we think just alike. Do you want a hug? And then they hug. It's like, get out of here. Yeah, get out, you stupid, stupid Kardashian wannabe. Get out of here. You're probably making people wait for you while you're back here hugging her.

Rocky on Leon's side. Well, yeah. Because Kate made her do laundry or whatever, so now she hates Kate no matter what. She's like, well, you know, it's really difficult when people are trying to keep you from being your amazing, inner, positive, beautiful, wonderful self.

And, you know, so I'm behind leon it's like what you couldn't cook chicken right so it figures that that would be your hero okay now alex mucks the guests on tv yeah they're making fun of yeah that was that was sort of amusing i thought it's i feel like um it's a it's a bold move to do that on tv as a professional yeah and they're just laughing it's like yeah brah stretch oh yeah that stretch oh doing the It's a bold move to do that on TV as a professional. Yeah, and they're just laughing. It's like, yeah, brah, stretch. Oh, yeah, that stretch. Oh, doing the little arm circles.

Little arm circles. Meanwhile, Emil's like. Emil's like, working out's ridiculous. Do I have any more of that French bread down there? Get some mayonnaise on it. Stove it in my face. I'm pissed. Amy tries to give nice advice to Chef.

Okay, we already did that. Amy and Kate meeting. He blamed the produce. Love that. Yeah, that's right. He blamed the produce. That's what he does. He blames the produce.

I never blame the produce for what happened with me and Sea Turtle. Rocky, after dinner, maybe Eddie can fish around and pull... Oh, yeah. So for their big surprise, Rocky's like, guys, I have a mermaid tail. And they're like,

we know. I'm surprised that Kate was down with this. I mean, maybe she was hoping that Rocky would get into trouble. I think maybe Kate

is just exhausted by it because she's like, we were thinking that Eddie would pretend to fish me out of the water and Kate's like, oh. I thought Kate would be like, okay, well, let's workshop that. But instead she's like, we were thinking that like, Eddie would pretend to fish me out of the water and Kate's like, oh. I thought Kate would be like,

okay, well let's workshop that. But instead she was like, let's workshop that. Write that down in an Excel grid and send that over to me. And make sure that there's pumping music behind you when you write it.

Okay. But instead she was like, yeah, yeah, okay. Well, Rocky has figured out how to deal with Kate because really Kate is that manager who just wants respect and she wants you to take it seriously or whatever. So Rocky's like, oh, well, we can do My Mermaid.

And Kate looked like she wanted to make herself vomit the nothing she ate today. She's like, I want you to please die. She's like, how about that for entertainment? And then Rocky goes, well, I just think that there's maybe like a spark and there's that special something that we always have on this boat. And I think that they really need to feel that extra bit of attention and spark. And Kate's like, well said. You have a pass. You have act two all to yourself.

Very well done. Bravo, young lady. She's like, oh, I did it. Thanks, mom. Rocky's growing up. She's like, Oh, I did it. Thanks mom. Yeah. Um, I think that he's growing up. She's going to know how to do laundry. She's going to know how to get things.

Yeah. And Kate, you know, probably in her mind, she's like, well, you know, these are basically just like rich white trash people.

So they'll like a man, a mermaid coming up onto the yacht. Who the fuck cares? So then this cat, this counts as like high class arts. They'll be in bed by seven. Yeah. It was either this or make Emil act like MacGyver again.

Yeah. I can't have the captain come down and do his Matlock impression again. No one really likes that, let's be honest. All right. Well, here's what I think. It was the neighbor. I said it. The end.

So then there's dinner, and they get basically surf and turf. And the guy is like, I'd like to speak to Leon about the steak. And so Leon's like, oh, these fuckers. Oh, fuck off. Produce, produce. And he gets into the chef's jacket, and they're like, all right, what? And he's like, big improvement on the steak, bro. Way to go.

It's great. It's the way I like my steak improvement on the steak, bro. Way to go. It's great. It's the way I like my steak. Super gray. Great job. You redeemed yourself, bro. Gray's in our logo. Congrats, bro. We wanted to tell you in person because, like, the comment cards, I mean, it's like we all have to wait for her to finish writing.

Jesus Christ, we'll be here until next week. All right, bro. Thanks, brah. He's like, that's right. I know how to make a steak so you can suck my dick, cake. Do they make steaks at Walmart? Do Walmart chefs do that, cake? That's right. It's like he's still way too angry.

Bye. Leon, I'm going to need you to lower your voice. Thank you. Leon, where are the schmears and the special colored sauce dots? So then

I think because they spent so much time on Dane in the beginning, they kind of rushed through this charter. So we didn't even get our customary. Because they were boring. They didn't do shit on this charter. But I did like how at the end Oh, I'm sorry. Were you going into a scene or the end? Well, I was sorry. Were you going into a scene or the end? Well, I was just going to say that they skipped over the customary yacht coming into the dock drama of like,

All right. We got it. We got it. All right. Get the fenders out. Get the fenders out. Oh, no. The wind were going at 30 knots per hour.

Oh, my God. 30 knots. Oh, my God. Five knots. Oh, no. Anchor up. Anchor down. Ropes. Ropes.

Oh, yeah. Totally. I wrote, you know, this episode is in trouble when they even park the boat right. Yeah. It was just kind of like, oh, we're here. And then once again, everyone packs up and they're all waiting for that bitch. All waiting for that bitch.

And then she finally comes down an hour later and she's like, oh, did you guys like pack last night or something? And they're like, no. She's like, ah, thanks. Thanks for bringing me. My hair is heavy. Could you ask someone to carry my hair? Thanks.

And the guy as he's leaving is really nice, the head charter guy. Yeah. He's like, we're new money. Look guys, we're new money and we were poor like a week ago and so looking how much you guys really represent like porn is and like working and like how much week ago and so looking how much you know you guys really represent like porn is and like working and like look how much you work so like thank you for still being

poor because it's better to have people to serve us thanks guys here's a money hug and this is after posing with with it yes posing with that stupid girlfriend in her stiletto heels and bronzed big boobs and i liked him up to that point. I liked him up to that point. And then when he was doing that, taking pictures for Instagram with a wad of money, and he's like, yo, man, I don't do an envelope. I show you how much money I'm giving you.

I'm like, ugh, you are new money. You really are. Just stop. You're just awful. Posing with this stupid bitch and this wad of money. What a douchebag. I guarantee this guy lives in Orange County. I guarantee it.

But at least he's nice and admits it. He's like, okay, here's some cash. He's nice, but a douche. Yeah, a nice douche. A nice hot douche. Doesn't everyone want a nice hot douche? Good for a tumble. I do. I'll tell you that

much. I'd like a mean douche, a nice any kind of douche good for a tumble i do i'll tell you that much i'd like a mean douche and i any kind of dude really anybody he doesn't have to be a dude i mean they usually are but whatever just in whatever you have the leftovers that's my favorite show i really identify with that show all right thank you bye and then she leaves all her hair there which yeah the girls immediately party with putting in their vagina and connie immediately no don't don't they i mean isn't it feasible that the woman's gonna call me like oh hey i left my hair in the drawer uh can i get it back i'm like oh oh yeah sorry uh put it in my vagina already so it was in my vagina, and so now it smells like peanut butter.

But, I mean, I'll send it back to you. Like, maybe you could Windex it. I can't believe she left her hair there. I mean, what an idiot. Sorry. I'd forget my hair if it wasn't sewn on to me, and I literally did. Like, I get where that saying comes from now, you guys. Yeah, like,

it's like that saying, hair today and gone somewhere. I don't know. What was the rest of today and gone somewhere i don't know what was the rest that saying again i don't know waste not want not like that's why i don't because i never make waste because then i'm like who wants not nobody right it's like that old saying like remember to the hair to your head because you never know when you're leaving on a drone and yeah i love that thing from the bible to your head because you never know when you're leaving on a drone I love that thing from the bible the golden rules because I totally agree

give me the gold I can't believe I lost my hair hello dick boy now oh no they had a night off and partied and then Rocky and what's his buns did it again yep and then Connie and what's his buns did it again yep and then uh

connie left the bath running wacky another wacky connie moment i know like i was in charge of the bath and then i don't know how to turn off the faucet yeah the bathtub uh bubbles were everywhere and i was like wow you guys actually made a decent phone party without even trying. Well done. Too late, but you finally did it. And I even let Amy hang out with them. Guys, I got friends now. Girl talk. Guys, why do you keep putting bubbles down my throat? Guys, I can't breathe.

Guys. For having a party in the bathtub The goal is to see how long You can hold your head under Okay? I'm fine So that's the end of Below Dick Wow, what an episode This may have been our longest podcast of all time

Well, look at all that Important stuff we talked about I know, coffee tables Coffee tables 30 minutes on coffee tables If that doesn't win us a news week Important stuff we talk to. I know. Coffee tables. Coffee tables. Coffee tables. 30 minutes on coffee tables. If that doesn't win us a Newsweek Newsman Award of the Year, nothing will, Ben.

I mean, I clearly see us on the fast track to South by Southwest this year. Accepting the award for best podcast at whatever podcast. Maybe if we had an actual coffee table podcast, because I don't think anyone's doing that yet. A podcast about coffee tables? Yeah. I saw a really cool coffee table. Like Kramer's book about coffee tables? Oh, he has one already?

Damn it. I'm so unoriginal. It's all dead. No, remember? That's like a classic Seinfeld where Kramer wanted to. Okay, then forget it. Then how about we make a sitcom? A coffee table book that had legs like a coffee table.

No, then instead let's write a sitcom about friends in New York who don't do anything. And there's like a wacky neighbor. Oh, yeah. What about a sitcom about just like a bunch of people in Boston just hanging out at a bar? Oh my god, cheers. What a good idea. Cheers to you. Cheers to you.

What about... Oh, you know what I'd love? You know that a great place where there are all sorts of wacky characters would be, like, if you went to, like, a courthouse, but, like, what if you went at night? Oh my god, like, night court. Yeah, like a night court. People with jobs in court.

How about if we do, like, an orphanage? Well, not like an orphanage, but, like, a boarding school, and it's,'s like all these rejected kids. But make them all semi-cute. And then like have them have like really deep issues. Like trying to save up change and stuff like that. Oh, my God. And then be like just learning sort of like the facts of life, right?

You know, just those basic things. Yeah, just learning things. Like, oh, I want them to learn so much that it becomes a boarding, I mean, it goes from a boarding school to a candy store. Yes, yes, yes. That would be awesome.

Because that's a natural, well, because, I mean, if the boarding school were to burn down, I think a candy store would be a really good way to, you know, to earn back those funds. And then I was also thinking another really good sitcom idea would be like

something kind of like a little out of left field. Like what if like a hairy alien arrived and you had to keep him secret? That'd be cool, right? I think that's a good sitcom idea. Oh, that was a good one.

I remember watching that ALF show so many times and thinking it was so good. And then I saw it years later and I was like, this was never even close to being good. Yeah, I had that same feeling. Terrible, like beyond terrible. And here I am celebrating its terrible, terribleness again. What a way to end the show, Ben.

Thanks for ruining my day. Valentina, clear, Ben. Valentina, call the osmotics. Make sure they don't see ALF. Bye, everybody. Thank you, call the osmotics. Make sure they don't see Alf. Bye, everybody. Thank you so much for being here today. It was fun talking to you. Have a great weekend. Thanks for supporting us on the

patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. Go get those bonus episodes. We're doing our Google Hangout live next week, next Thursday. It's going to be so much fun. And that's the week of... I mean, I don't even know what's the date today, darling. It's the week of the 20-something-ish. It's the 15th, so it'll be the 22nd.

The 22nd. So that's going to be super fun. And then after that, that's it. We hug you. Everybody hugs. Hugs to everybody, David. Hugs and hugs and hugs. Good darling.

Next week is the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion part one, where Vicky is confronted about lying about cancer, wondering about lying about cancer, lying about lying about cancer. What? What? All right. All right.

Love you guys, everybody. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watcher Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.