Watch What Crappens - #230: Jesus Jugs, Jesus Thugs & Jesus Shrugs

Episode Date: October 20, 2015

The Real Housewives of Orange County Twenty Episode Reunion kicks off this week. Ben Mandelker (bsideblog, The Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) sort through the fake cancer, real mom deaths, and fake Jesus bonding before heading off to Joe using up Tre’s prison cell minutes on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Tre Checks in to Make Sure Melissa Gorga is Getting No Camera Time in Her Absence. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We love you girls. Now on with the show. Welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. And joining me is the ever lovely, ever romanticized, beautifully coiffed and good hearted Ben Mantelker of the B-Side Blogger and the Banter Blender Podcast. Hello, Bean. Oh, hi, Ronnie.

Thank you so much for saying I'm beautifully coiffed, but the truth is, my coiff is not that beautiful today. It's a little unkempt, as it is wont to be on a Tuesday. As it is wont to be. And Tuesday. As it is want to be. And that pretty much sums it up right there, Ben. Yes, I still have severe bedhead from my Casper mattress. Thank you, everybody, for listening to Watch What Crappens. Our subscriber hangout is this week.

Call her. It's Thursday, October 22nd, right, Ben? Yeah. 6 p.m. Pacific. October 22nd, right, Ben? Yeah. At 6 p.m. Pacific. Just come to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends to become a subscriber.

Thank you to all our subscribers. We just finished our bonus episode. Today we talk about Normcore and McDonald's again. Yeah. And Joe Biden entering the race. Yeah. And we talked about Famke Janssen and Mac Reigning's son.

There was something else we talked about that was cool. I just don't remember what it was. Mom Jean Short Shorts. Mom Jean Short Shorts. And you know what I forgot to mention on the bonus episodes? I'll just mention it here. You said how much you love my celebrity stories. I forgot to mention that when I woke up this morning, none other than

croy beerman himself had favorited a tweet that i wrote and i went on his twitter feed and it's like his first activity that he's had twitter activities had in like two weeks was my tweet please write an autobiography please i don't want that this morning morning, I woke up. It was sunny, as the day is want to be. And then, ding, a favorite from none other than... So anyway, come to patreon.com slash watch what crappens to be a subscribes. And thank you to everybody who does that. And obviously our premiums, who we've already mentioned. And come to our facebook.com

slash watch what crappins because that is where you can talk throughout the week to us and to each other about the shows as they air we laugh our asses off people post their own news stories there and they keep us up to date on the old bravo our twitter blah blah blah watch what crappins.com come find all the links you can find us on, Stitcher, or wherever you just found us. And I think that's it. Right, Ben? Can we move into the show? I think so.

I think so. All right. So today's show features part one of 20 of The Real Housewives of the Orange County. And also, after, we're going to talk a little bit about this tree special but seeing as how it's pretty much just a fat idiot talking on a cell phone for five minutes at a time yeah figuring out what the lawyer's feeling and the other 20 minutes or whatever we don't have much to say about that so let's just dive right into the i think i think i would at this point rather watch a special about checking

in on trees than tree checking in you know i would rather watch trees grow because there could still be there could still be clips of melissa gorga and how like the trees are affecting her you know yeah like you know i mean uh when the tree grows you know you know, it gives shade to a lot of people. I mean, I don't get the shade, but that's okay. I don't need the shade. You know, that's it. Sometimes trees grow and they grow, you know, away from me. And that's okay because, you know, the tree has to do what it's going to do.

I'm not going to take it personally. You know, I tried to visit the tree and there's still a roper rabbit. Sometimes, you know, like in the winter, I'm like, hey tree, you know, let me know if you have any sap because I would love to take the sap from you. I'll have a bucket and I, you know, and like, I would love that. And the tree's always like, yeah, no, that's, yeah,

sure, sure. And then the tree never tells me when it has its sap. And that's okay. That's okay. But it just doesn't tell me. You know, it's amazing. Nature, the way that nature changes, a tree literally

came through my kitchen window and threw away sprinkle cookies you know there's this old proverb like you know if a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it what does it still make a noise and all i'm saying is you know if you let me know you're gonna fall i'll be there i'll listen i'll listen for the noise but you know if you don't tell me but that's fine you know trees going through for the noise. But you know, if you don't tell me, but that's fine. You know, trees don't do something much worse. You know, who's to say that the tree even fell? Maybe it was pushed. No one was there. Right? Isn't that the point of the story? No one was there to see it. So who knows if it was pushed? Like, it's just on the ground. Am I right? Like, you got to stand up for the tree. Trees have rights. You know, the thing is, I haven't seen this tree in six months.

And so when I thought about the tree, it really made me almost cry and i think about what the poor saplings are going through with that tree maybe about to fall and you know i feel bad for it i mean yeah the tree did grow on its own and put itself in this position but you know i feel bad for the saplings you know how the apples don't fall from far from the tree well i try and move them further away from the tree so they don't actually become like the tree they fell off of. Like I replant. I'm trying to replant them basically. You know, I'm just waiting for approval from the tree to replant her apples so they'll possibly, you know, grow up to be good apples and not bad apples. You know, just trying to be supportive.

I have a whole basket to gather the apples, you know. Like I want to help where i can i mean i'm the god i'm basically the godmother to these apples but you know if the tree doesn't tell me that the apples are on the ground i mean i can't gather them you know so it's like i've actually gone and started paperwork to adopt the apples but for some reason the tree's just not responding it's really weird well i guess you know the, the tree's been emailing other trees, and I keep telling my other trees, like, can you add me to that tree's distribution

list? But I guess it's full, even though I never heard about that. That could happen on an email thing, but I guess it's full. Apparently a tree can have too many leaves. Yeah, I guess, you know, that's fine. So we'll get to that excitement very soon. But first, the real housewives

of the orange county hi vicky hi tamra hi megan hi heather i'm like oh wow andy yeah and of course the first question first question is like so v Vicky, you had a nip slip. Tell us about your nipple. Why was your nipple out? I like when it starts with the backstage stuff. Because they do that with all the reunions now. Where they're like, now, okay, it's not enough to watch them for 20 hours. Now watch them put on their makeup.

Megan's like, I'm brunette, you know, so I'm going makeup megan's like i'm brunette you know so i'm gonna be myself except like a brunette version totally like myself but you know like different yeah are you a brunette i don't know who knows i haven't seen my hair of course tamra you want to check it bitch just look at her muff right am i right guys consider the source of her vag hair consider her pubic source consider her root source get to the source of the root consider the source of the root so and tamra so much truth to come tonight that's shannon do i you know it's gonna be good when shannon's already so crazy that she's asking herself questions. That's my favorite Shannon thing to do.

She's getting hair and makeup. And she's like, do I like confrontation? No, I don't like confrontation. But bring it. Do I want you to bring it? I do. Bring it. Bring it.

Bring it. Bring it. She does that weird, like, vocal affectation when she tries to be tough. You know, she does the thing like, well, you know, David. David said I should be tough, so if you want to be tough you know she does a thing like well no david david said i should be tough so if you want to be tough with me then i say bring it bring it bitches bring it um so we open with justice brunette i figure there's like more justice people with brunette hair so um vicky i have nothing to say to that no i'm sorry i'll just read down the notes vicky the uh vicky it's your 10th reunion wow 10 years of vicky she just loves getting beat up on i can't

tell you how many times i've watched this show and i think after the reunion my god vicky is gonna quit this year this is it she is gonna quit and nope she's ready to go for round no shame oh by the way i'm she won't quit because she has no shame but i it's her show you know i it's my show i'm james burroughs i'm the james burroughs of you know uh housewives i'm dr frazier crane been on for 10 seasons and 10 more to go. You're just the Carla, okay? I'm the Shelley Lang. And without me, what do you have? Actually, a pretty good show. Okay, let's not talk about this anymore. I quit this show!

What was I going to say about that goddamn thing? Damn right, damn right. Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky. 10th reunion, whatever. Who cares? I'll come back to it later. Speaking of things inside of you.

Hi, Shannon. Yeah, that's right. I just, there was something inside me not five seconds ago. I just took it out. Just cleaned up the drip, if you will. Thanks, Dr. Moon. Diddle, diddle, neb and col. You know what that means?

Nebulizer, coloscopy. All at once. It'll just, you know, tighten up the pipes. Afterwards, we do what we call a plug the dam. Very medical procedure. That's when Dr. Moon comes over and sticks his finger up my ass. David. David. Well, of all the seasons of The Real Housewives, this season has been overall the most controversial.

We have received more votes for this American Idol finale. I know. More questions than ever. The most dramatic rose ceremony of all time. This was an interesting season of OC because it really seemed like for the first half, it was going to be Megan versus Shannon. They were just at each other's necks. And then really the vacation seemed to

come at the midway point normally the vacations is at like three quarters of the way through and then after the vacation it was just you know a whole other show just the cancer well they started uh they filmed more of this season i believe i believe i believe they filmed the season and then reached you know kept shooting months later like after it was supposed to be over right yeah because there was an episode i think three episodes ago where they all had different hair it was like the next season where everyone has different hair and they've been nipped and tucked a little bit their faces have been freshly sanded down you know like like not new but like new used doorknobs right right right right, right. Most controversial season ever.

Yeah, because at first we thought, yeah, well, we've seen cancer, but have we ever seen cancer questioned? Yeah. Well, it was the first season where we saw both cancer and fake cancer side by side. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's very true. The real effects and the real non-effects of cancer and non. I mean, if you really think about it, honestly, if you, you know, sometimes we are so knee-deep in this thing, we don't look at the big picture. If you look at Leanne, you know, this is Leanne towards the end of her life.

You can see she was bloated. You know, you could see that she was, even though she had a very good attitude, she was not a healthy woman, you know? And then you look at Brooks here, talking like, oh, yeah the cancer i got the cancer it's like bullshit like it's it really is very insulting yeah um so next week is all about brooks apparently the next well it's probably not till week three actually of this yeah of this long ass les mis of a reunion so we'll hold off a bit on the brick stuff because i want to do research before the brooks interview and i want to watch the 2020 thing from 2012 that cindy c on the case posted cindy c on the case case posted yeah case yes um and that was all about the dead

deadbeat dad news and so it'll be interesting to take his lies from that and juxtapose them with the lies from this because it's not like he has some political consultant telling him what to do you know no no he's just a full-on liar yeah it's like oh yeah you maybe have cancer all right let's get an endorsement deal with that lady with a cancer place you know she has juice oh and by the way venka is that her name venka venka almost she had almost she had borderline cancer yeah it was posted on our facebook so funny if you read the biography on detox.vicky.you know cure your cancer through juice.com she's like uh what's her name hell not hella lenka lenka lenka has suffered through 25 diseases including almost cancer she could have maybe tried to maybe have it

one time in a bone. She literally said borderline cancer in her bio. I mean, there's no such thing. It's like, oh, I was borderline pregnant. Yeah. I had an embryo almost. Like, I had an egg.

I had an egg. And there was some sperm near it. Like, I had an egg. I had an egg. I ate eggs today, so... And there was some sperm near it. Yeah, there was a little lump connecting the yellow part to the clear part when I got it in the pan. So, totally legit. I bought a home pregnancy test, and so I was, like, borderline pregnant at that point. I saw someone have sex on the internet today i totally just swallowed a load it's like shut up that's not how any of this works you

idiots okay yeah so you brought up earlier vicky's pick of the nipple yeah uh and andy's like so vicky you know instagram got a nice shot of your boob and i have to say nice boobs she's like oh thanks you know thank dr you know thank dr lenka they're just filled with apple juice pretty much and I have to say, nice boobs. She's like, oh, thanks. Thank Dr. Lenka. They're just filled with apple juice, pretty much. And soil from the earth to give me nutrients. Cancer hates soil. The other day I had to trip down. The other day I sprouted a dandelion.

Right out of my nipple. I mean, talk about organic. You know what? Farm sometimes farmers are working my boobs are working um most blah blah blah vicky's picking their bowl just shower oh he's like why would you take that picture she's like oh you know i was just in the bathtub wait you were in the bath no you know i was just in the shower you were in the shower no I was just getting out of the shower. Oh, were you in the shower or the bath? Shut up, Megan! I know. I need to know.

I need to paint an accurate picture. I just called. They don't even do baths and showers in Newport Imaging. Your bath hasn't worked for 20 years. I checked out the blueprints online. Justice blueprints. It turns out Vicky's been telling everyone she's been taking baths for the past 10 years. She only has a shower stall.

Dun, dun, dun. Well, you know, I was taking a shower and I thought, oh, I didn't thank Andy for the Beats headphones. And they were sitting right there on the counter. So I just sent an Insta, you know, and then Gina's daughter, what's her face, called me and said, oh, you better get it off. I see your boob. And I thought, well, you know, hashtag club detox, clean boobs.

Hashtag. Hashtag beats nipple. Man, here's the delivery to MJ's house. Yeah, here comes the delivery. Sliders, 4,000 sliders are here side of ranch to mj's apartment darling yeah darling um so nipple nipple we're sorry about leanne being dead uh i was like geez andy he sounds so bored he's just like glancing through his car it's like leanne died thank you thanks uh yeah and hayley graduated from non-school yeah it's like kind of a slow start i guess she finished

her home act class she managed to pass she figured out how to use a spatula um new girl yeah so what's it like being the new i just thought you know everyone's the new girl at one time or another. But now I just think of that sitcom with Zooey Deschanel. And I'm trying to mix it with Megan and it just doesn't work. Yeah, she's not. She's sort of like the anti-Zooey Deschanel. Whereas Zooey Deschanel is like hipster and not whimsical, but sort of twee.

Megan is like anti-hipster and anti-twee she's like i'm 30 and i hate hipsters and i have a house and i was married for money and i like faux tuscan furniture yeah the openings would just be totally different like in one zoe's reading a book you know and the other megan's trying to read a recipe soy yaki soy yaki i almost bought some soyaki in honor of your soyaki references but then i didn't it's disgusting have some in my fridge that's why i keep referencing it because it never leaves the fridge because i never eat it i just see it in there looming soyaki mocking me with it so it's weird i don't in general as a general note for this reunion i didn't really have that much to say about it because um i found like i was i was watching and i was interested in but there were i mean i wrote notes but there just wasn't a lot that i was like that that i was like

oh that's something i have to comment on it's more like andy was just asking really generic dumb questions and they're like yeah yeah yeah at least megan was well there was um a lot he he started with the stepmom thing now vicky you know that vicky is coming into a reunion being completely defeated already because she just sounds it like the last part of the season where she's just like completely defeated oh yeah well oh gosh here we go okay well no it's not the same being a stepmom is not the same. Being a stepmom is not the same as having a kid. But what about adoption? Well, I don't know. My sisters were adopted, you know, and whose wall is mom in right now? You know, not the adopted ones, that's for

sure. Moms don't live in adopted walls. Well, I like that Vicky was like, well, you know, like, mom loved us all the same. I mean, in terms of liking us, though, I mean, I'm sure she liked us in different ways. I was like, that's really nice, Vicky. That was really nice of you. You know, she loved them, you know, because it'd be rude to say she didn't love them, but she didn't really like them.

No, no. But I mean, Megan's ready for a big fight, but Vicky's just so defeated already. She's like, it is different. That's just my opinion. You don't know, so you don't know that, so you can't speak to that okay biology like i mean whatever like what about adopted kids like you know like even vicky tries to bring tamra well you know tamra was saying it too you know you have your own kid and then tamra jumps in yeah but simon was really nice to brian until he had his own. Then he was like, oh, fuck you, Ryan. Like, who cares, bitch?

Like, who's Ryan? Who's bitch? Who's that stupid bitch with that beard? Isn't he like 12? My favorite baby that I've adopted is baby Jesus. And I love him. I think that, I mean, I think it's this. I understand what Vicky's original point was.

And I just don't understand why Megan is incapable of understanding it or vicky's incapable of articulating it which is just that it doesn't it's not to detract anything from whatever love that megan feels for hailey and it's totally legit but i think when you have your own child it's not that that child is better or worse whatever but there's probably a bond there that is probably as a mother that is really so unique that the argument wasn't really even about adoption anyway which was why it was so silly it wasn't about you don't love adopted kids the same or you yeah it was about the fact that megan was well because megan at that time was she was going on and on about like it's so hard for me because i just want her to love me and it's like you know well you're not you're not really

her mom so you shouldn't be expecting that I think that's what Vicky was saying right? Well it's different when the new wife comes in when you're 16 or 17 already you know so that is different it's different than if she had been the stepmom of a little kid who grew up with the mom

you know it's not the same as being a full fledged mom when you've only been the mom for four months like yeah exactly you earn that and why does she want hayley's love i mean for crying out loud this girl can't even can't even commit to beauty school hayley's love is expensive man like yeah make that girl be not any teenager you know they love you if you give them a 10 or 100 in this case. Yeah. I understand. I have a dog.

That's how they are too. They're like, don't you love me right now? Yeah, you want something from me. What? What do you want? Just tell me. You want a pee? You want a treat?

I just feel like there are, I think there are not a lot of returns on investing in Daley's love. You know? I think it's just, I mean, she's just a, she's a disaster. Oh, she's just a teenager, you know? I it's just i mean she's just a she's a disaster oh she's just a teenager you know i know i know too much about a teenager like these women are still all teenagers this vicky i love that she just can't say i didn't mean to say that i'm sorry she has to stick it's my opinion that's what it is so you know i'm free to my opinion and that's it I'm free to my opinion. And that's it. I'm free to my opinion. And then Tamara, of course, gets one in on Simon while she's there after her forgiveness speech.

Yeah. Well, you mean talking about how she said that about Simon. Like, well, Simon used to love Ryan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, girl code. So, Andy's trying to make a lot of drama and they're not having it on a lot of the things wait what were you gonna by the way sorry oh no i was just gonna say that when it comes

to tamra and her jabs and evil whatever he hurt all her evil moments whenever it comes to simon it's it's totally deserved always every single time yeah he's gross he's awful he's an awful awful human being and and that was just based purely on what we already saw of him and not, you know, none of this other stuff that she mentions this episode. So Andy's trying to make a lot of drama and they're not really having it so far because he brings up Heather, you know, Marion from Massahoochee, whatever. Massahoochee? Masahuchi whatever wants to know. Did you break girl code because you're still friends with the other ex-wife and Megan's friends? I don't know.

Heather's got her little claw hands out ready to go. Be like, no. I think it would be different if the relationship broke up because of Megan, but no it didn't, so I could be friends with her. So that's it.

No girl code is broken. And Megan says, I'll never even pay attention. I'll never even mention her. And Shannon's like, yes, you did. Remember that time you said that mean thing about her? You said it was very mean.

She had no chance to defend herself, says Shannon. And Bedore's like, David went and had an affair with five women, David. David is a man slot. David doesn't care about me, David. David. I know. Projecting.

The projections of Shannon. It's just funny because it's like, you know, Shannon. It's not like Shannon always has the nicest things to say about people, you know? Yeah, but there are rules. There are rules. Like, you can say about certain people, but you don't say that to someone older than you. I start charities. So, Megan, you never say, oh, and then Heather pulled out her mom.

You never say anything about the ex. Ever. I'm just saying. I didn't say anything about the mother of the children. Ever. By the way, are you going on Amy Phillips' show this week? Should we plug that? No, no.

It's a different week. I'm going in November now. I've been pushed. Oh, I'm so sorry. Thanks a lot, Ben. Thanks a lot for putting salt in my pushed wound. Yeah, your wound has been so pushed. I'm calling Lenka.

I had borderline pushed. I've been borderline bumped. So then Andy tries to make more drama with, well, so-and-so and blah-de-blah wants to know, Megan, why did you call Vicky a hypocrite when she bought a car? She's like, oh, yeah, because remember that time you said, like, not to spoil kids, but then you were, like, buying a car? My daughter's educated.

Yeah, that was great. She's like, well, the difference is that my daughter is not intimidated by a Hairspray 101 class, okay? My daughter went to school! What does your kid go to, a TCBY with a book or a pamphlet or something? Get out of here! This country's best yo-yos, that's what that should stand for. It'll be your daughter on the picture of the company Circular. Country's best yo-yo.

Haley Edmonds. The country's be your own mom. You're not her mother! So then it turned into my dad is educated, which I don't know. I guess she's saying because they at least worked for something and this is their prize.

And then Haley doesn't get it. You know, what's her job? What's her job? You weren't trying to understand the circumstance. It's just like black and white. No, it's got job or no job. What's her job? What's her job?

Her job is looking at the penny saver for future jobs. And she doesn't even do that. Oh, you know who else agrees with me? Tamara. Right, Tamara. Tamara said it too. You know how you got to make your kids earn it? Really, Tamra? Who just fucking

gave Ryan thousands of dollars to move and then whatever happened happened. Come on, Mal. Yeah, exactly. Tamra's like, yeah, totally. He earns that. Yeah, he earns that. Like, you know how hard it is to get that many tattoos? That hurts. Okay, he earned this house.

He's a responsible one. Yeah. Based your raising of Hayley off of Ryan, bitch! Well, I mean, it is funny because, I mean, I understand through Megan's eyes why she thinks it's hypocritical if Vicky is saying, don't spoil your child, and then she buys her daughter an SUV. critical if Vicky is saying, don't spoil your child, and then she buys her daughter an SUV. But the truth is, I mean,

there's a difference between spoiling a child and sort of like spoil rewarding, you know, because Vicky is still spoiling Brianna, but she's rewarding her too, because Brianna ultimately is a good egg, and she is raising a child, and she's stuck in the middle of nowhere

with an abusive husband. She deserves an SUV. Hayley, on the other hand, mopes around and complains about her winter formal dress and is doing basically nothing with her. It's because Hayley's a teenager. What do you buy a teenager versus what do you buy an adult?

Vicky distilled it pretty well at the end when she said, you have to hold 17-year-old kids kids accountable it's one thing for brianna you know i mean a lot of parents buy their kids cars that's nothing new but you know i don't think a a parent needs i don't think a a kid needs like a maserati kyle richards she got her kid you know yeah that's spoiling that's spoiling uh well vicky you know the problem is that you just have these sweeping judgments you judge and you sweep like in the pearl shop when you started sweeping and judging about you know wives spending their husband's money vicky's like well at least i was sweeping because that's what people with jabs do i wasn't leaning

i was cleaning while I was judging. Okay? I work! I wasn't making sweeping generalizations. And if you had a job, you'd realize that. But you don't have a job. So I guess you don't know these things. That's what people who don't have jobs don't know.

People without jobs don't know about sweeping generalizations. Yeah. And that's because Vic is obsessed with money. That's all she cares about, bitch. Anyway, after this reunion, you're all invited to the third west wing of my new mansion. It's the third wing on the left. I'm not obsessed with money. Okay.

It's just that I think about money all the time. You know, while I'm obsessing over money, it doesn't mean I'm obsessed with money. And then Heather. Well, you know, like, you're lucky because you get to go to work. You know, moms have to sit there in shit, in piles of shit. Okay, so be thankful you get to leave the house and go have a job. You know, like, I deserve a purse. I just swam a river of baby shit.

Getting a purse. I spent half an hour looking at different slabs of marble for the bathroom closet, alright? I deserve a purse. Which I'm, you know, I was down for. I was like, go for it. Listen, I say go for it too. Of course it all comes back to Dan.

Look, I know the value of the dollar after Dan. That's like the worst, talk about socialism taking over where everybody else just takes your money for doing nothing! I'm gonna vote for Trump and hope that he gets rid of Dan! Who even cares about the Mexicans?

Okay, just get rid of Dan. The big wall around Dan. And don't make me pay for it. What about Shannon not wanting Hayley to get birth control? Well, yeah, but she's still gonna have sex. I'm just saying, why advertise it?

Who do you think you are, Miss 30-year-old? David's going to have sex too, but I'm not just out there getting, you know, dental dams for his mistress. Come on. What do you think about birth control for children? What do I think about it? She's 17, isn't she, Hayley?

I think, sure, why not? What's wrong with it? Yeah, me too. It's ridiculous that people would, I mean, I guess there's that whole thing, like, if you give them birth control, that means you're approving of them having sex. Well, guess what? They're having sex anyway, so just, what would you rather send a

message? That it's okay to have sex as long as you're protected, or let's pretend like you're not having sex, and I'll pay for that baby. How about that? Yeah, and they don't need permission to get herpes, okay? Or chlamydia or whatever. Enjoy your baby and the STDs that came in the non-baby times.

Get them used to condoms when they're young so they don't feel weird later yeah people are like condoms feel weird put the fucking condom what it feels weird so does having a penis inside of me so let's you know let's meet in the middle yeah you know it feels weird you know it feels weird having a disease yes itching in your nethers your penis falling off feels weird as well yeah you know it feels weird going blind from syphilis put on a condom you dumb shit uh i felt that explosion david yes the syphilis explosion happening all over happening all over west hollywood billboard. Syphilis.

I don't know, by the way, why I just did Shannon Bedore and Lisa Vanderpump voice. David! I was hanging out with some gays recently, and they were talking about these billboards that are all over Hollywood that say Grindr, Tinder, Syphilis. Like syphilis aids. Tinder wants those to be taken down yeah people are pissed and the guys who were driving past it and the guys were like what does that even mean i mean like what grinder is gonna give you syphilis i mean that doesn't even make that billboard doesn't make sense i'm like uh they're saying if you're a slut online you've

probably got like real life diseases. What? That's dumb. Like, oh, my God. Yeah. Meanwhile, I think Tinder got annoyed, but I don't think Grindr had a response. I could be wrong. But that's because I think HIV transmission rates amongst Grindr users is like a certain significant percentage higher than non-Grindr users. So, yeah. Well, look at that um grinder thank you uh

syphilis wow syphilis explosion uh i have borderline syphilis sometimes you can't see things from far away or what yeah sometimes like if i stand up too quickly i get a head rush and i can't really see something for like a second i'm like uh borderline syphilis i got lies one time i felt like my penis was leaking but it wasn't my penis got borderline syphilis one time i thought my penis was linking leaking and then i realized I was just peeing. Oh, my God. Borderline syphilis, Lysad. I was going to do something funny to you, but I changed my mind. You got borderline Lysad. Anyway.

Oh, I wanted to say I actually felt bad at this part because Andy was like, So, Megan, everyone online called hayley a bitch when her mom was dying how did that feel it's like god andy sandy she's like yeah that sucks because like she saw that episode and she saw herself being a bitch and she was like mortified and like you know she like apologized to her mom and i thought oh that's so sad it is sad and she said i tried to tell her like hayley this is a gift because like when you see yourself on tv and you realize that you're a bitch like you have a chance to change it like some people never see themselves on tv until like their kids make a video of them or something and they look like abusive assholes in front of everybody like

at least you know she's like you know hayley like this is a gift you see yourself on tv and you can change your behavior there are some people who have been on tv for 10 years and still do not realize how to change their behavior knowledge sometimes it's five specific women who fight about the same things over and over and over again and they wash themselves on tv and they still don't take any lessons from it hey you know what i always try to say megan i mean you know i always try to say hayley lessons are for learning i got you this headband i've done learning headband you know i really resent that vicky says that that Haley needs to be accountable at 17. She takes really good care of her blow dryer.

She's, like, really responsible. Yeah, this is really good. Hashtag. Hashtag. Knowledge. Hashtag blow dryer. Hashtag at least she does no one apology to the blow dryer justice. She's going somewhere with the blow dryer she's gonna take over next up in the circle of in this

circus of fun and excitement so vicky your mom died and you were on tv how did it feel like so what was it like when your mom died huh oh god she's like yeah it was terrible i blacked out which is sad you know i mean we we do give her a lot of shit about the ridiculous things she said afterwards but obviously during that moment that was just a really terrible moment for her yeah and then uh when she said it was sad because she says um you know i just feel lost janet's like yeah because, because that's because I won Bunko! Bunko! Shannon's like, well, it was a totally surreal experience

because the executive producer of the show came up to me during the middle of Bunko and said, do you have a landline? And I thought to myself, a landline? Is one of David's mistresses trying to call him on a landline? David, David, David, no more landlines for you. No more Gmail, no more landlines. No more communication, David, David. Vicky could have known this much

sooner, but I cut off all communication to the house. I've had invisible laser walls put up that intercepts every phone call and email that comes in this house. We're all connected AT&T? No, we're not all connected. We are not all connected at all. I have

disconnected David's mistresses. We're all connected. Just me and have disconnected David's mistresses. We're all connected. Just me and David. David's penis is what we call off the grid. There you go. So they talked about this. They showed some clips of the mom. Nobody

cares about me. Oh, look! That wind chime. Whenever I hear the wind chime, it means Matt's talking to me. Really? Whenever the wind blows? Oh, my mom must be really mad there's a hurricane in the Atlantic right now. She's trying to say something and no one's listening. She's like, quiet down, ma'am. That wind chime just stabbed a hummingbird.

Oh, ma'am. You're crazy. Ma'am in a road rage. Wind chime rage. That wind chime just just key to motorcycle? Oh, God. And he's like, oh, let's tell some fun mom stories.

And Tamara's like, remember that time your mama did your bitch? Like, committed a hate crime? And Vicky's like, oh, no, no, it wasn't like that. Mama's just driving, you know, and your motorcycle passing happened to just flipper the bird. Like, oh, no, remember?

Because, like, she tried to stop and crashed the motorcycle and then he said, like, fuck you, and then she keyed it. She's like, no, she just tapped the motorcycle. She just tapped it. She was just going to TJ Maxx, that's all. It was really pretty calm and benign, you know?

Her mom totally Kim Richards'dards did she locked herself in a bathroom stood on the toilet and then she said that she had a gun to the police officers i mean hilarious yeah she went into the bathroom hid and then when the cop said ma'am you in there she said i've got a gun what an idiot so they took her they took her to jail and they're all laughing they're like oh she tried to kill a motorcyclist and went to jail for yeah telling i mean everyone knows the best way i mean if someone's tailgating you you don't just slam on the brakes the whole idea is you just have you just slow down gradually and then they either like oh someone's at my door um sorry i got really excited about that the coffee the coffee um but yeah you don't slam

on your brakes because that's how then you'll actually get rear-ended the whole point if you're when people tailgate you it's annoying because you're like you're gonna rear-end me so if you slam on your brakes you're gonna make them rear-end you don't do that lady well they're doing it so they can get the insurance stuff because if you rear-end somebody it's automatically your fault i know but what i'm saying is most people when they do that to tailgaters, are not thinking, oh, this is a way for me to collect insurance. They're thinking like, please stop. I'm sending you a message that you're annoying me.

I'm going to slow down until you stop. But it never works. What I learned from Driver's Ed, which is probably another course that Haley didn't finish, is that slowing down to make a tailgater stop actually never works because it just, they keep tailgating. And you know what? It's true. And it enrages them.

But it is kind of fun. But motorcycles in California have open lanes, basically. What do you call that? Lane sharing? So we can go in between all the other cars. Oh, she's not in. She's not there. Oh, because I was thinking it's probably not even tailgating.

People get motorcycle rage when they see bikes because they just are resentful. You know, they're like, what do you get to go through traffic? And they try and like cut you off all the time and stuff. So I'm wondering if her mom was like, oh, yeah, motorcycle! No, I don't think, I don't get mad. I don't get like jealous that they get to cut through traffic. What I get mad about is that they kind of like sneak up on you like all of a sudden oh there's a motorcycle right in between

you and another car and it's like this thing where you feel like you're gonna crash into them or something because you're about to like you put on your signal to make the turn and like a motorcycle is like no i'm gonna go first and you're like jesus christ yeah i understand i see the rage in your faces and I love it. You know what I really hate actually, Ronnie? Please never do this with your little scooter. I hate when you go into a parking garage, okay? And there is a – there's like an arm that's down.

And you take your ticket and the arm goes up, okay? You go through and you go. You park in your spot. You go. You do your business. You get your validation or whatever, you pay your $2 and you pay into the machine and the arm goes up and you

leave. So motorcyclists, a lot of them, because they're small, they just go around the arm and they don't pay anything. They park for free, which is all the power to free. But what I don't like is when they actually then park their motorcycle in an actual spot. Park it in one of those weird side areas or fit it into something, but don't take up a full spot then park their motorcycle in an actual spot you know park it in

one of those weird side areas or like fit it into something but don't take up a full spot if you're not paying for it i'm sorry i'm paying i want a spot well so if they have if they have spaces like that then yeah i agree but a lot of places don't they don't have anywhere like that uh la fitness or whatever oh actually they do have a couple at la fitness they do like they do yeah i've used those there are a good amount of way like little places that you can fit a scooter i believe yeah yeah yeah but some places don't but yeah i agree anyway i mean some places don't but i do feel like there are a lot of motorcycles that take up a full spot and then they don't pay and it really bothers me well then if you were Vicky's mom, then hopefully you'll have someone to keep in and then go hide in the bathroom.

I'll just not get over. Yeah, who knows if that's even what was happening. But that was funny. She's like, yeah, then she got wrong. Oh, yeah, Mama's in jail. They're like, ha, ha, ha. And he's like, yeah, I see the apple didn't far from the tree. You know, like your mom's probably not even dead.

She's probably just lying about it. And then, Vickyicky it's even worse now you know just not having a mom nobody understands what it's like not having a mom like oh please stop and then they cut to megan giving a dirty look trying like literally biting on her tongue you know and possibly she was hungry but yeah she was like don't speak don't speak someone else's death don't do it don't do it no it's like shut up vicky uh do you regret cameras during that i will never forget that day i was at buncle at shannon's yes vicky we know it's like don't narrate this whole thing again i didn't even notice the cameras i blacked out i completely blacked out i don't remember

you know because it was so devastating. Mom! And he's like, yeah, but then you saw it on TV. Are you mortified now? No, I re-blacked out! I blacked out again! Every time it comes in, I black out. The only thing that wakes me up are the wind chimes.

Mom saying, good morning, good morning. I didn't even notice the cameras. Vicky's so full of shit okay so bravo she added in there that bravo was actually really nice and asked her many times are you okay if we shoot this should we shoot this we don't have to shoot this should we shoot this so i don't know if this is before or after she blacked out and doesn't remember i believe she blacked out to be honest i actually believe that is that is like that's life-changing news like you know there's certain things that there's just nothing compares to it and i believe that when she got that phone call the last thing she was thinking about was the fact that there

were cameras i think because she was super close to their mom and i i i believe i mean i actually don't i don't think that she was i never know what this vicky because she lies about everything she doesn't just ever say the truth she's always trying to like bend it and lie and i'm not saying of course god forbid i'm not saying that it wouldn't be devastating getting the news that your mom died i'm just saying well i'd like that i don't remember anything but you know you guys asked if we could shoot and the blah blah i don't know it's just the way she talks it just always sounds everything she's saying sounds like a lie to the point where even when we're talking about her mom dying i'm like she lied her mom's there she's still there she's literally living in a wall like i don't know what's going on in my mind i

don't know i know uh vicky no autopsy why are we still talking about this andy either a heart attack or a brain spasm she was either about to lie down or sit up. So don't do either thing, ever. Her monkey in a motorcycle. Billy Cald. Family van memory. Why would you send a van? That was great.

That was a great little memory that they inserted in there. You can tell that they were sort of like a little low on stuff for the reunion. You can always tell when they need to fill time when they just insert all sorts of flashbacks when we come back from commercial we get heather giving a thoughtful actor chin pose she's like yeah she's got her elbow resting on her other wrist and she's like got her chin resting on her fingers and she's got her eyes squinted like she's thinking really about something. Yeah. So then we had a montage of the women ordering food, which was

great because we saw how finicky they are and everything was like, I'll have a chicken taco, hold the tortilla, hold the chicken, put in a slice of beet and a slice of beet and

a drizzle of olive oil. Thank you. I would like a Grego's Neat and a side plate with one lemon and a smaller ramekin with limes and then a glass of water and a separate glass and I'm going to mix them all. Don't touch anything!

Just bring it! I'd like you to bring me a reamer, but not a wooden reamer. I'd like there to be a plastic reamer. And you can give that with the ramekin of the limes, and then like one wedge of orange on a separate plate. But bring that plate ten seconds

later, alright? Because I want it to be timed perfectly. Thank you. That picture of just Shannon sitting on the tablecloth or sitting at the table with no tablecloth with her knees awkwardly while she's looking around and they just show her putting up her finger in the air

like she's calling the waiter. And I just want to do it over and over. Are you my David? Are you my David? David? David? David? Could someone please send over my David?

David? Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed at a restaurant from Lonely Miss. Never served to David at her favorite restaurant, David. Where she was killed by an onslaught of fat and sugar. David.

She asked what was more fattening, the steak or the lettuce, and she was told the lettuce. Shannon Bedore died of a bad decision brought on by a waiter named David. Here lies Shannon Bedore who was killed by a waiter who decided to

squeeze only one lime wedge into her grey goose instead of bringing an entire plate of lime wedges as requested. Thank you. Desiccated body. Are you my David? Shannon's colonics. Oh yeah, she has yeast in her gut. She's like she

well, all your immunity comes from the gut. You want to keep it clean, David? David, keep your gut clean of yeast. David, David. I've got a clean gut, Heather. Are you sure you're not killing the bacteria in your system? Because the body is an amazing machine. It knows how to clean

itself. I mean, it doesn't know how to age well. If it's not aging well, see a doctor immediately, but the insides it should be pretty good at. Well, no, I have to clear out the yeast because it's been scientifically proven that each grain of yeast gives one negative thought, and I've had 40 to 50 for the past five weeks, and I really want to bring it down to more of the 30 to 35 range. Well, one thing that i'm sure we can agree on is that beauty comes from the outside am i right everybody okay dr harry dubrow reservatrol revestrol whatever you call it be there yeah borderline beauty she says she's like i don't know if colonics are the best way and andy says says the leech woman, which was a good

point. And then Heather's rebuttal is I'm married to a doctor. I'm married to a doctor. Don't forget that part. We have a hospital in our house. We can actually take inpatients. If Brooks called today, we wouldn't even need to

send a fake friend over to fake give him fake advice. It would never happen. He would actually be able to lie about coming to the inpatient clinic at our actual house. We are actually the new campus of City of Hope. We're actually called

Mansion of Hope. I look at menus like they're ingredients-less. Oh, I hate people like that. I hate that, but that was a funny observation. But I do hate that, too. God. I'd like to order the steak, but instead of red meat, could you use soy meat?

And instead of the glaze, could you use a balsamic glaze? And instead of butter, could you use margarine? And instead of salt, could you put margarine? And instead of salt, could you put white salt? Like, no bitch. You know, my month of doing no carbs back in, like, May, June, I was that guy who was

ordering burgers without buns, and ugh, it was mortifying. Awful. Well, that's not bad. That's pretty normal. I still think it's mortifying. This is a woman who, no matter what she's eating, you know that she would be like, no, take out the...'s uh i'm yeah i'm a waiter so i hate almost like an egg mcmuffin with just egg and cheese no meat yeah how hard is that you pull off the fucking thing it's when they're like can i have a casserole but

instead of mixing the tortillas in with the actual egg could you serve those on the side and just mix the egg in with the cream and the cheese. Yeah. No, I hate it. It's awful. I hate when people are, like, ridiculous like that. They know Heather is just a disaster at every restaurant. She's like, well, I only eat lean protein and some vegetables. And everyone's like, yeah. Everyone looks miserable around the table.

They're like, yep, sucks. You know that she's totally the mom from Big Business. Remember in the beginning of the movie when they're driving through rural North Carolina. That mid-lifes mom? Yeah, exactly. Deborah Rush, if you will. And she's going to give birth to the baby. And they stop at this hospital.

And the guy's like, we're having a baby. We're having a baby. And the guy's like, well, sorry. This hospital is only for employees of the whatever it's called, like factory. And then they're like, fine, buy the factory. Like,

okay, now you can have the baby here. You know, that's exactly what they do. Like, well, I'm sorry. We don't do that at this restaurant.

Fine. We're going to buy the restaurant. Now you're, now I'm your boss. Do it. Casserole without tortillas. Do it. That's a long winded way of,

my favorite big business moment from that scene was when the doctor said, it'll just be a little prick, ma'am. And she's like, yeah, that's what got me into this mess. Oh, big business. I love that we can quote big business. We just have to watch it together. And Soap Dish. Back to back. Both

amazing films. I know. I love the music in Big Business. It's like its own score that's not released anywhere. Well, Ben, Hendelson from Delicatessen, Alabama says you're a bitch for being mean to a sushi stripper. What do you have to say about that? Well, you know, she needs to get a job. She needs to get a job. I'll have you know I also got a lot of pluses on the Twitter.

Okay. Lots of people plused me. A lot of people plused me. You know what? Croy Bierman plused me about that one. And I got about five resumes from strippers who decided that they wanted to work in my insurance company. And I said, no, you have to get a real job before you apply to my real job. I have everyone selling insurance now as a stripper.

It's amazing. An ex-stripper, you know? I mean, it's so nice getting someone heart attack insurance when they get boners that brush blood to their hearts the second they see the woman working the front desk. I'm telling you, business is booming! Like a good neighbor,

Vicky's stripper is there. Vicky's famous, Vicky's state Pharma Hookers We are strippers Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Don't touch the strippers Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Get a real job

Nah nah nah nah nah nah I have to go out of the lobby every day And say to everybody in the waiting room, Get in shop! Stop staring at strippers! 15 minutes could save you one stripper or more. I mean, what are you... I mean, look at that girl. She's just laying there on the table. I mean, who wants to eat the sushi coming off that girl? Gross!

I mean, you don't see Flo lying around with stripper with with uh sushi on her boobs no they're better than that i was just trying to tell these girls they're better than that and uh then megan of course trying to fight about every little thing and it's not working at all which is hilarious megan's like yo my brother's a model so because he doesn't have any self-respect yeah they're like because they're like, because they were saying like, oh, well, you know, like she's like, you know, you have to, like, I think you should use your, use like,

shouldn't use your body for like your work. Like, you know, try to like do something, like try to work. And then that's when she was like, well, my brother's a model. So, well, I guess he just, I guess he doesn't have respect.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, but does he have sushi on his penis? Sorry. I love that. No, Shannon said on his penis, she goes, oh, but does he have sushi on his penis, she goes, does he have sushi on the penis? The penis?

I like to call it the Dr. Moon pipe. Megan and Megan is Tamara's mini-me. Ew. Gross. That's not a compliment. On either side, both of you stop it megan stop

mentor what is tamra ever gonna teach you run hitler and hess oh not good at least hitler could like speak a full sentence tamra's a fucking idiot like literally everybody tamra told that she had the cancer letter went, you? You can't even read. I know. Who would give you a letter? Do bills even send you letters? Because I would imagine that they just, like, leave you voicemails at this point.

Sorry, but I just got this paper, and it was confusing. Like, I feel like Time Warner's, like, after me. It's bullying me with all these words she's kind of like uh tamra's like airbud they're like really that dog plays basketball what they give that letter to tamra except i'm like airbud tamra has no special skills they're like wow tamra she's holding a letter she's holding she's holding a piece of paper with the words on it wow was there an airbud like sequel that was straight to video because that's i feel like there probably was an airbud too with like a cat and that's what megan would be she'd be the direct to video

airbud sidekick i have to say as much of a bitch as i can be and as tacky as I can be with what I watch on TV, I was too proud to ever see Air Bud. One or two, you're talking to a classy bitch here. So you never saw Air Bud Golden Receiver? Nope. I was like, you guys are all stupid. I'm going to watch Howard the Duck on this just released Laserdisc. It's the only one in America. So you never saw the fourth

installment in the Air Bud series called Air Bud 7th Inning Fetch. Nuh-uh. Is that true? Dogs are so stupid that they think they're 7 innings. I am on...

There's 6 innings, right? There's 9 innings, darling. Fucking dogs and gay there's air but desk people i'm on the air bud wikipedia page oh god you're looking up goddamn air bud now yeah air bud okay there's the first one josh meets a golden retriever and finds out he can play basketball and then how the fuck does that even happen come on air the second one air bud golden. Air Bud, golden receiver. Josh's golden receiver learns to play football. Oh, my God.

Number three. How many bets does this dog go to from getting balls in the face? Your dog has another broken nose. Air Bud, the emergency room. Air Bud, ASPCA rescue. No, the third one's called Air Bud World Pup. Josh and Emma discover that Buddy's ball playing skills apply to

soccer. Oh, now there's two kids. I love it. We need another kid to handle Air Bud. We can't just have the one. He's on his fifth sport. Get a chicken there. Well, we need to bring someone on the Air Bud team, alright? Megan King-Edmonds, you know

something about baseball, don't you? Oh, good. We're gonna need you in Air Bud's seventh inning fetch, okay? We need another kid to hide the fact that the dog's nose is always broken. We need somebody to stand in front of the dog's nose. Get a chick! Alright, and then the fifth Air Bud is Air Bud spikes back.

Buddy tackles volleyball. Oh, for Christ's sake. And then there fifth Air Bud is Air Bud Spikes Back. Buddy Tackles Volleyball. Oh, for Christ's sake. And then there's a whole series. Those are the Air Bud films. And then there's a whole series called Air Buddies, which they focus on Buddy's puppies. And then you have Air Buddies, which is Buddy and Molly's offspring work together

to help each other while attempting to rescue their parents. And then there's Snow Buddies and Space Budd buddies and santa buddies and spooky buddies and treasure buddies and super buddies so it seems like they sort of like venture off out of the sporting world into just general holiday um tie-ins so it's sort of like the marvel universe it's like what it's going to be like in a few uh or in a couple decades when we realize we've raised an entire generation of children who are disappointed in dogs. Because their dog doesn't do shit. It's like, wow, look, suddenly no one's getting dogs. They're all disappointed in them.

My dog doesn't do anything. One of the dogs, by the way, is voiced by Abigail Breslin. Oh, girl. Well, you know, it just keeps Abigail Breslin. Oh, girl. Well, you know, it's getting better. Pay that mortgage, girl. So back to bitches trying to play sports. On the real hair swabs, the lunch candy. Andy.

Megan. So, Megan, have you always been so stupidly confident? Megan, you have a huge amount of confidence for a moron. How does that feel? Yeah. Yeah, I'm confident. Because, like, my name, my name has always been Megan King. Oh, yeah, because he said, like, when you called, when you had the nerve to call Shannon on her phone.

And Shannon's like, I didn't know who it was. I thought it was a telemarketer. How am I supposed to know, I didn't know who it was. I thought it was a telemarketer. How am I supposed to know? I don't know a Megan King. She's like, well, actually, my name is Megan King, and it's always been Megan King. So, like, I can change my husband and, like, change my, like, headband, but every Megan King

headband is a Megan King headband. Maybe you should do some more research. Like, maybe next time you become friends with someone, you should do what I do, which is look up all their records and then find out what their legal name is, as applied with the DMV. I mean, God, knowledge. I'd start research. I'd start the DMV.

There was also, by the way, Tamara was saying, regarding Megan being her mini-me, that she's like, well, I love having her around because she says the things that I want to say, but she says them first, so I don't get in trouble and i've learned that you know what like sometimes you just have to like be quiet and let people dig their own graves gretchen here we go again i was like i know this is gonna turn into a gretchen thing it's gonna turn to gretchen thing up yep it's a gretchen dig oh you mean to say that that entire time you were

pretending to be friends with gretchen you weren't being friends with her at all but you were just leaving her alone so she would implode wow that sounds so calculated for someone who doesn't make anything up yeah exactly hashtag Jesus hashtag stupid so she is right though without Tamara to fight with Gretchen was like bye

without without Tamara Gretchen just had Slade and nobody needs that yeah Gretchen that was dumb Gretchen just had Slade and nobody needs that. Yeah, Gretchen, that was dumb. Gretchen could have been so wonderful. Slade ruined her and then once she was done with her feud with Tamara, then there was nothing left. Yep, and as Vicky would say,

shut up, Gretchen. You're stupid. You're stupid. Shut up, Gretchen. Gretchen, the metador's going to be fine. He's nothing to her. Shut up. Please, Gretchen, shut up. Shut up. You're stupid. By the way, that's also a fine example of coconut music in the background.

I'll play it again. Please, Gretchen, shut up. Shut up. You're stupid. You're stupid. The matador is going to be fine, Gretchen. Gretchen, shut up. You're stupid. The battle door's gonna be fine, Gretchen.

Gretchen, shut up. This is probably a good time to mention composer Alan Lazar has a track called Devil and Gretchen, which one of our listeners wanted us to play. So, I mean... Do it. I'm mad! It's like angry coconut music.

Hello there! Sharon, I told everybody I slept with some guy in a boat, but I love the old guy whose mess I just cleaned up with my own hands. Ooh, yeah, Gretchen's getting serious now. Demon!

I'm steaming like a broccoli. I'm gonna buy some rooster furniture from TJ Maxx. I'm telling that ceramic chef, if he eats all my cookies one more time, I'm going to be steaming mad. However. However, if people don't believe that I love Paris by my Eiffel Tower tapestry, then they can just screw themselves. However, how is Paris spelled five different ways on my new

art? I'm steaming mad. That's enough of that. That's enough of that. I wish... I'm steaming mad. I wish... I wish that was an actual

thing that she used to say, because it is in my head now. I'm steaming. Well, I like that in this little thing that she used to say because it is in my head now. I'm steaming. Well, I like that in this little thing that we just did. It was Gretchen sort of standing around her kitchen looking at various things she's purchased from TJ Maxx and getting mad that people would make judgments based off of them. I can't speak French, so when I have something that says gem, jetem, I do jetem. Oh, Gretchen. My Gretchen voice is really messed up. It's like, ha!

That Swiffer didn't even pick up any lint. I'm steaming mad. Someone took all the cookies off the chef platter. I'm steaming mad. Who faced my little ceramic chef to face the corner he doesn't deserve that i'm steaming someone took all the wine bottles off the wine rack that says vino on top i'm steaming man i love that music oh my god God. So then there was discussion about judgy eyes.

Yeah. Which was that Megan called Shannon's eyes judgy eyes. And then she tries to do them, but she can't. And Shannon's just giving judgy eyes the whole time. So, so good. It was like, there they are. She's like, they're expressive eyes.

They're expressive eyes they're expressive shannon did the b arthur thing from golden girls where she literally turns and looks right into the camera at one point and gives the like what the fuck judgy eyes like gives the judgy eyes at being called judgy eyes look so good so she also does this thing where she's like i had no idea she asked well my name is megan king i thought you were a telemarketer i mean how am i supposed to know i mean i had it was five days after a very emotional experience at the graveyard aka marriage counseling she does one of those facial shrug i wrote to him shannon does vogue face shrug. Because she does this like, wow, how was I supposed to know face?

But she does this thing with both of her hands where she does spirit fingers in front of her face and then like vogues them out of her face. It's so good. I watched it like five times. And then she throws herself onto the floor. So good. She's like, what? Vogue? What do I know? I mean, how should I know her name? So good. I's like, what? Vogue? What do I know?

I mean, how should I know her name? So good. I created voguing. I was a drag queen in Paris. So, Andy's like, so do you think your initial problem with Megan was that you were still mad about the hoedown party and the tequila shots from last season? She's like, what? I wouldn't even know Shannon from a hole in the wall. I don't know. Who's like, what? I wouldn't even know Shannon from a hole in the wall. I don't know.

Who's Shannon? What? I didn't even know her. Shannon. I don't even remember that day. And then they cut to that day. Hey, Megan, can I get you a shot, dear? No, it's okay.

Thanks. Ah, who's this Megan? And why don't I get introduced? It was a pretty amazing scene. I love when they show up at that scene because it shows how much david does not give a shit about shannon he literally turns his back on shannon and offers a random hot chick a drink and then it's just like bye dear and just walks and shannon's i love i love how all these moments happen when shannon's in some sort of weird

costumes in that one she's like has a little cowboy hat on. Other ones, she's like Bunko Knight. She's dressed like in the 80s. Shannon gets the most furious in a costume, for sure. She feels more when she's wearing a costume. Aw, drip. Psychology. And then Heather tries to explain.

Well, first of all, obviously she knew who Megan was. Because no one's just going to be like oh hey that new cast member no one's going to mention that it was the guy she got mad about at the hoedown get out of here Shannon liar and Heather trying to smooth it over with Heather's way of explaining things I love it like the mom

and everyone's so stupid what they're trying to say is that you were upset and all you had to do was have a conversation and shut it down. And Heather's trying to be serious and I'm like, I cannot listen to you in your non-sleeve

sleeves. She's like, these are like sleeves, but they're only sleeves around the forearm. The upper arm, there's no sleeve. There's the sleeves God made me. The rest of the sleeve is in its own bedroom in my new house. It's a sleeve room.

Dress by Ross. Body by Terry. Okay, Terry sleeves. I wasn't mad. Shannon was mad last year about shots, blah, blah, blah. I didn't recognize her. What they're trying to say is,annon megan she needs protective oh shannon is still mad at megan she gets mad all over again well what i didn't appreciate making king edwards is that edmunds

is that you were telling me oh well shannon needs protect you were on the television saying shannon needs protection from herself. Shannon's crazy. And Megan's like, yeah, but I didn't say like, you need protection from yourself. I was like, I need to be protected from you. So like, I didn't mean it like that. I was just trying to remove an obstacle at my party because

like, you don't want to have like a party and then have obstacles because people trip. Yeah. Yeah, and protection's good. Like, I mean, I gave Haley protection. Yeah, I know. I'm very well aware of that. I think it's totally inappropriate. I am against protection, whether it's from myself or

random teenager's spermatozoa swimming around my insides and making a deadbeat baby. You know what? If I ever have to testify against the mafia, don't put me in witness protection. I don't want protection. Just put me out there, okay? Just put put me right out there so they get into this little uh argument with each other and then uh well what do you think of each other now i love shannon she's like oh yeah wow she's great it's like cut to commercial it's like okay great cut to commercial but as they cut to commercial they're like next and it's that garage band tinkly piano music.

It's like... And Tamara's trying to squeeze a couple out. And I'm like, oh, good. Here we go. So the next segment was Tamara talking about her kids. But what was interesting was, I believe it started with... Well, I think... Sorry, with Vicky, you said?

The OG. Does Megan have to kiss ass? Oh, yeah. It's my show. She's like, oh, I own this show. When I started the Housewives, I was going to call it just of the OC, and then I thought, no, it needs

to be something else like Housewives. Real Housewives! I did it! And then I thought, no, it needs to be something else like Housewife. Real Housewife! I did it! And when I did it, I did not see, you know, headbands. I just didn't see it. So, you know, yeah, she has to get permission. They're like, what? You're crazy. Stupid Vicky. When I wrote Phantom of the Opera,

you know, I was thinking, show us full face. But something was missing. So I re-released it. Now I wear the mask. I wrote Phantomreleased it. Now he wears a mask. I'm a real fan of the opera. Oh, yeah. You know, when I wrote Guys and Dolls, it was really just called Dolls. It was just going to be about my dolls, my favorite dolls.

I thought, you know, no, I think it needs something more. So how about Guys and Dolls? What's a doll all alone? A loser doll. No one wants a loser doll. I don't care what that doll has done in its past. Take him. It's better than being alone.

You know, no one wants just to see a musical about Joseph, but what about Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat? Okay, I'm sold. I made that too. Yeah. Well, originally it was called Joseph and his fake fur rabbit coat. But then, you know, Brooks didn't like that it was called fur, so

we just changed it to Technicolor like a TV. Andy, how's it go oh uh wait what were you gonna say it started with because i didn't mean to cut you off i thought well i believe the next segment the next segment was i don't remember what it started with but it did not start with tamra talking about her daughter i think she was it was just tamra talking about oh you're right yeah wasn't it like she was just talking about like um bertha from bethesda maryland wants to know tamra how's cut fitness going now that you finally left it alone that's yeah that's right it was like and she's like oh it's going really it's she's like it's going good it's going good i'm like it's going well it's going well but um yeah you know like the first year of a business batch you make all

your mistakes and then the second year of business batch you remove your mistakes and you know we had to like get rid of this batch who was working there and causing all these mistakes and now that I don't work there it's great thanks for asking batch it's going great we have 30% less warped floors

now but it's still kind of rounded in there so be careful but um but all I remember is that when she started talking about how she was like, oh, I'm going to say something I've never told anyone about before, she just sort of wedged it in there. No one had asked her about it. She just found some terrible segue. She was like, yeah, things at Cut Fitness are going really well, which is crazy because, you know, I haven't't talked about this before but my daughter came over once it was just like it

it was so the transition was so awkward that it was clear she she wanted to make it seem like like oh well now that you mention it this i i guess i'm just gonna share since since you're pressing me out i'm gonna share this thing but like, no. She wanted to tell the story. She wanted to put it out there. And she was just like, fine. I guess this will be my chance to say it. I'll just say it. She's like, you know who's the real OG of the OC?

Betch. I'm in pain. Like, what? Wait, what? What just happened? Yeah. Yeah. She's like, yeah, my mom went on on a date which is funny because the other day my

daughter called me and she said there is no date on a calendar ever that i want to ever see you again this stuff with tamra's kid um i also felt bad about i felt bad i thought that was i i truly felt bad about i felt so sorry for her because, and I can't believe I just said that. Everyone in their car is like, who are you? But I did feel bad for her because that's so rough. Like, the story she told was, I mean, and Tamara, not sure if she's really crying mode or not. Because I don't trust anything from her. But she's like, yeah.

And then, like, one minute, she's in my house. And I was like, I love you. And then the next minute, bitch, she called me. And then then she was like i don't want to live with you betch and then i haven't seen her since except for one time i sent her a text and then she texted me back okay and then i thought it was okay but then simon went for custody and then she never talked to me again betch and then the judge was like, consider the sauce. Consider the sauce. You know, I have to say, you know, I mean, we shit on Tamara all the time.

We call her, I mean, we call her like the worst things. I mean, we just called her Hitler about 10 minutes ago. We literally called her Hitler. Well, we just respond to what we're being given to judge. But that being said, I don't think we've ever truly seen anything that seems to indicate that she shouldn't have any custody of her kids. Even though she goes out and she parties, she gets drunk, and she acts like a fool.

I mean, I think we also realize that we're seeing something that's for TV. That's part of being a mother, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? When do mothers have to be perfect? I don't get that. Yeah. My friends raising kids now, they're like, oh, no, you have to do this and that. And I'm like, No, you don't. I mean, I'm not saying just drop your baby on the floor. But you're still your own human being. Like, yeah, live. Yeah, no, Simon is Simon is a psychopath. He's a control freak. And he's doing one of the worst things ever, which is turning the kids against Tamara. I'm sure Tamara is trying to do the same thing on some level. But it sounds like he really is pitting the kids against her and now their

family's all fucked up and granted she has raised a white trash son okay so you know she maybe the fruits of her labor have not been exemplary but it doesn't mean that she should lose her child and so uh she may be she may be tamra she may be a crazy hot betch but um um yeah yeah he's an asshole yeah he is and you know they're both assholes and so the way that they fought and made it public over the years like we didn't know we knew about this because we have the internet but as far as her not bringing it up on the show and stuff that's good but it's not like all the other stuff hasn't been talked about publicly a lot on the internet and they fight on the internet all the time stuff hasn't been talked about publicly a lot on the Internet. And they fight on the Internet all the time.

It's just gross. You know, they totally do put their family in the middle. Remember, didn't he have her arrested or didn't he sue her or something? Because she threw a dog collar at him. Remember that? Yeah, she threw a leash. Wasn't that the Gina fight? It was a leash.

Where she was like, why are you talking to Simon Batch? She threw a leash. I like guys in the neighborhood? It was a leash. Where she was like, why are you talking to Simon Batch? And Gina was like, oh, I like guys in the neighborhood. It's always good to have someone come mow your lawn or whatever. So just kept his number. She's like, yeah, Batch. That was the caller fight, wasn't it? Yeah, I think that was what it was about. Yeah, it was.

Obviously, Simon is a real turd. I mean, it reminds me of also um let's see if anyone can remember this but uh real world san diego the very first one there was that drunk girl robin on there i think her name was robin and uh they were out in san diego and she got drunk and there was a guy who was being annoying to her so she kind of like punched him but it's like when i say punch i mean it was like a light girl punch was like ew and she's sort of like it was like a punch slap thing like get away you know one of those things and then he uh had her arrested he had her arrested for assault and

this is a guy the guy was a marine you're like what the fuck is wrong with you you're such a pussy you're gonna have her arrested because of that like yep yeah that's stupid the court system oh my god but it's also the pussy they must have to listen to a lot of bullshit of people just trying to get back at each other personally so yeah she's obviously no saint and has not been in public either only in it but that's still sad because at the end of the day no matter what goes on in your family and i've had ups and downs in mine and i was that teen who was like i'm gonna sue you and be my own person um like i literally wanted to go to court like drew barrymore in that movie where she divorced

her parents shelly long and what's his buns i wanted to be her but i get that part of it but at the end of the day it's super important to be able to accept each other anyway, because that's your mom and you're the kid. And my mom accepts the fact that I was an awful child at times. And I effect accepted the fact that she's, you know, a nut at times as well. We love each other. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, look, she's not freebasing. She's not like an alcoholic. She's not sexually molesting anyone. Um, she may not be the best mother, but she's not like an alcoholic she's not sexually molesting anyone um she may not be the

best mother but she's still a mother so i mean i'm not even you know i'm not even gonna get into it i don't know what's wrong with their marriage all i know is that he is an asshole and he's a tool he's a tool he's a tool i did say uh i did write down that i just got to this note the thing that she made it all about her was the thing where andy was like so how vicky what do you think being a grandma because they just shown this montage of tamra's a christian grandmother now oh yeah everybody and it's like she's like oh like fake tears like being nice to people i'm not calling them c words um and then after the montage oh and they showed that little baby ryan's baby and it has like little little uh like cute old man face which i love and uh

he says so how has being a grandma changed tamra and vicky's like well i'll tell you something the feelings that you have for your own grandchildren you know i'm just glad that her grandchildren aren't adopted you know because she probably likes that one better than the adapted, you know, than the ones that are kind of adapted. She's like, you know, she probably, you know, she probably has a true love for that grandchild. Something that, you know, a stepmom couldn't really understand ever, you know, especially a young stepmom to an older stepdaughter probably would never get. And then, of course, Tamara took that in too that into yeah i am lucky to have a grandbaby last year was horrible really when your babe when the grandbaby was born tamra just like that was a weird non-sequitur it's like uh it was like or she was just chomping at the bit to uh to tell her side of this story with Simon. And then she told kind of the story and then the baptism shit.

And Heather, Annie said, why didn't you bring it up on the show? And she's like, because your own kid hates you. That's humiliating. And the press was so terrible. And people were being vile on the press. And Heather was like, look, she was trying to protect her kids. That's why she's trying to make a mature answer for her. Yeah, exactly. I noticed that too. I was like, Heather's like, no, she was trying to protect her kids. That's why she's trying to make a mature answer for her. Yeah, exactly.

I noticed that too. I was like, Heather's like, no, no, no, Tamara, you're using the wrong line. It's supposed to be that you're trying to protect your kids. Yeah, it's not that you're embarrassed by the press. Since when does Tamara care about being humiliated on TV? I mean, come on now. And Heather said she was an exemplary mother. I'm like, okay, well, that might be stretching, but you're being a nice friend so that's yeah yeah and tamra's like and i was like crying and then a friend of

mine said you know i go to this place with a rock band and free wine it's called church and so i went and i'll tell you what i went again and then i went again and then i became a christian and then never never went again haven't been since. But it was great, bitch! So then the big news is that Alexis Bellino wrote an email to Andy Cohen and was like, I'm a Christian and da-da-da-da-da and da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

This was so good, Ben. What matters is she goes, I do love Jesus, which is why I cannot sit back and watch a mockery be made of my savior. And then she added, which is why I will be no longer watching the seasons in which I appear. Thank you very much. No kidding.

She's making more of a mockery than you. Oh, my God. She's like, someone's faith is not for entertainment. And then Tamara responds, well, she's the kind of person who gives Christians a bad name. This started off in such a good way because we just went from Tamara's a Christian

into Tamara's a victim, which, you know, obviously she is in a way with that kid thing. Tamara's just had a really good, you know, cry fest to get everybody on her Twitter side this year. And then Andy's like, well, we have an email from Jesus Barbie.

And she's like, oh, shocker. And then you see her trying to stay calm. You know how we were talking last week, how Vicky shuts down like an awakenings patient and her eyes start back and forth. When Tamara knows that she's caught and she can't keep up the front anymore, she does a foot tap. Like her crossed foot starts tapping really, really fast. And I died when she did it. I was like, here comes the foot tap. And sure enough, it was like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

What is this email? What is this mail that you speak of, Andy? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And the email was beautiful. I knew that I would hate it when I came on this show because I'm hot and my boobs are really big. And I knew Tamara would be mean to me. But just like Jesus, when he was put on this earth and he knew that people were going to crucify him for his beautiful breasts, he served them wine anyway. What is this letter?

And she's like, I knew that my non-backstabbing ways would shown through like you're honestly the dumbest person i've ever please just dumbest shut up you don't have being christian jesus forgives you but that doesn't give you a hall pass to get baptized and then still be a bitch uh actually yes it does and it's not entertainment okay it's a lifestyle it's like oh my god it's like you're it's like you're giving advice to a fake lesbian in college you know like yeah you don't get to like march in a parade just because you were a lesbian drunk one night in your dorm room okay bitch this is not your entertainment it's a lifestyle i just love the idea of basically tamra and accusing each other of giving Christians a bad name.

And he just knows Jesus is somewhere being like, oh my god. He sees this guy's face in his palm. What have I done? You know he's up there actually probably enjoying the shit out of this. He's eating popcorn. Being like, oh man. He had to have a sense of humor. How else did he not go effing crazy?

Oh god. So Vicky still talked to Alexislexis her faith is oh vicky well this is you know because of course andy well vicky what do you think of this email he doesn't speak like that he's like vicky what do you think of the well this is awkward because I still talk to Alexis. Gross. Okay, there's the first gross part. She's in my wall, too. Yeah. We've agreed to put Jim in the wall. Mom always liked Jim.

Don't take Mom, her good road rage and her Jim. I still talk to Alexis, and I know that her faith is so strong. And Tamara goes, not that strong, bitch! And her eyes are darting around, foot tap, foot tap. I don't like when people give Christians a bad name, foot tap. Oh, so awkward, fake Christianity on parade. Gross. Next week, Vicky, next week, Brooks hit on Brianna.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Tamara. Remember, he wanted to show you his dick, bitch! I'm very excited to get into the Brooks stuff. I feel like this episode was kind of circling around the drain, basically, and getting rid of

all the little things. Like, okay, we gotta address this. We gotta address this. Okay, now let's get into the fun stuff so next week will be the good stuff i like that tamra's christianity got pushed to the very first reunion episode like a really bad newbie it's like the newbie that did nothing all year she got the carlton geba of uh of montages for her christian segment yeah he, congratulations. Your fake religion is as fascinating as hers. My mess is now my message. Which is,

I'm still a mess. And I like massage. Massage. Get it? Betch. I'm a wordsmith. Betch. I'm a mess. My message is that I'm a messmith. Bitch. I'm a mess. My message is that I'm a mess at every age.

Message. My message is that if I had a mess, you'd know about it because I'd show the paperwork. I'm like, brats! I love going to mess, and that's my message. And I like massage. That's what Catholics call it. Gross bitch.

Okay, let's move on to the real housewives of New Jersey. How do the Gorgas feel about Melissa? I mean, how do the Gorgas feel about Teresa being in jail? Who cares? This shit is so stupid. I mean, New Jersey, I think, is probably now my least favorite franchise because the spinoffs are terrible. The stupid mini-update shit is terrible. Theffs are terrible. The stupid mini update shit is terrible.

The last season was terrible. I mean, New Jersey is in such a rut. One of these days, Bravo is going to realize that they have to like fix it badly. I mean, Marchese has been out on, on the old Twitter as usual, being an idiot. He went on and said, uh, I'm not going to allow my wife to do another show. Uh, another season of that show. They're disrespectful to children exploitation.

Shut up. The biggest tool on Bravo. I see what it says. I'm sure that it was his decision that she doesn't come back. Exactly. Jim talks Bravo's child exploitation on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Teresa checks in. And then in a separate thing, he says he's not going to come back.

Whatever, Jim. Shut up. Not asked. Seriously. Get off. Get off the pop culture radar. Yeah, even the news on Twitter bugs me about this show, because usually that's really fun during the off-season to read about the fights and stuff. But this one, it's like, it's Amber news. I don't care about fucking

Amber. And honestly, nothing happens on this tree checks in. Literally nothing happens. It's like you said earlier. She calls, Hey, how you doing? I love you. I love you. Just got back from spin class. Just got back from Pilates class.

Just got back from exit. Just got back from aerobics. Just got back from... Jesus Christ, is it a full why in there? It's a different class every damn time they talk on the phone. I know. So the episode began. We're dealing with it.

We're dealing with it. One giant angel wing door thing at a time. Those fucking angel wing door opener, they're not even handles. What would you call it? They're bigger than a human being. I don't know what they are. They're just terrible, terrible, terrible things. And he's like, hey uh you know i gotta be like a mr mom now you get you hear that one you get that one tip mr mom yeah yeah it's good yeah you know what can you do you know look

at me brushing hair it's stupid like who and then like he and joe go off to the gym and they're just being so awful like hey you know you uh put on your maxi pad for the workout yeah yeah you put on your tampon yeah hey hey tampon hey i got maxi pad hey yo my dick's so big it hangs down in your face bro i can't help it oh yeah you fake it yeah you dick so big whatever yeah yeah but i can't help it i got a big dick oh yeah you got a dick oh did you get a tampon on just farted yeah that's pretty much what the show is when Shree isn't on the phone. Being like, hey, you can wear your panties. Oh, we got some pizza now.

You can wear your panties. You're going to eat the pizza. You're going to cool down first with your panties and tampon. You're going to sop up the oil with the tampon. The main theme of this was Melissa and Joe, how they feel about this all so it was melissa basically as we did at the beginning of the show it was basically melissa saying like teresa still won't call me back won't return an email won't text me back but you know we're really trying i'm trying to get on the waiting list to go see her in jail yeah of course you are now that the fucking

cameras are rolling yeah get out of here melissa She takes the girls to get their nails done, and Melania gets an iced latte, and Melissa's like, so girls, what's going on? And Gabrielle actually talks for like the first time in six years. She's like, well, I'm cleaning the house because everyone's a dirty pig, and I like soccer, and I can't wait to leave this house and have a normal life. Of course, Gabrielle is the one who is like the master of the house. She's the one. She's like the pretty one.

She's the normal one. She's the one who doesn't talk. She's the one who has the most promise out of all of them. So, of course, she's the one who actually cleans. She's the exception. She's the one that's not spoiled. Yeah, that kid's awesome. Melissa.

Okay, we're getting our nails done. Girls' Day. Hope it's not too soon. You guys want to start calling me mom? Or should we wait? Let's wait until around Christmas. Like, geez, back off, bitch. Who wants sprinkle cookies?

You have to eat them now. I want a picture of this for Insta. Your mother's going to die literally when she sees you eating my sprinkle cookies from Albertsons. Your mother's going to die literally when she sees you eating my sprinkle cookies from Albertsons. Meanwhile, over at the gym, Joe and Joe are having, again, such an inane conversation. Like, talking about what they – Joe Giudice is talking about what he emails with. He's like, yeah, yeah, we email each other. You know, what am I going to do with her?

What's she going to do with me? You know, what sort of sex are we going to have? But, you know, at the end of the day, you know, when you shoot a load, it's a load. It's the same thing. It's the same shit anyway. You know, what are you going to do? Just, you know at the end of the day you know uh you know when you shoot a load it's a load it's the same thing the same shit anyway you know uh what you can do just uh you know just jizz everywhere whatever you could just into a vagina i could just so what loads a load yeah you shoot a load so what so what who cares it's a sticky load you put it in some kleenex you know or just leave it on the ground someone also cleaned it up you know like who cares what so what yeah i mean no big deal i can i could shoot on uh tree's face i could shoot in the guy's asshole i

don't care same thing's the same thing. We got some more fun lawyer stuff. They're like, the lawyer. And then they have the private conversation, diary room session with the lawyer. And he's like, well, here's how I feel. You know, good people, sometimes they go to jail. And it hurts.

I'm like, oh, with this fucking guy's feelings again. Get out of here bad rug lawyer guy the best thing was the meeting with angelo well no before that though um best is that what i liked was that joe because angela's at the end of the episode so uh the other things i liked in this episode was that we saw joe and he's got like a little bicycle since he can't drive because he tried to scam the DMV. So he's tinkering with his bike and he's got this stupid helmet.

And the lawyer comes over and is like, hey, there better not be an engine on that. You're not allowed to drive that with an engine. He's like, yeah, no engine. No problem. And then he proceeds to drink a whole bunch of wine before getting onto his bike. You know, you can still get a DUI with a bicycle. You know that, you stupid idiot. I have a friend who got one. Sorry about that, Shane. He's an idiot. And the lawyer's like, hey, you know, you can still get a DUI with a bicycle. You know that, you stupid idiot. I have a friend who got one.

Sorry about that, Shane. Yeah, he's an idiot. And the lawyer's like, hey, you got the right tags. You got everything proper there, buddy. Because rules, rules, lawyers, lawyers, rules. And he's like, yeah, you know, I couldn't go because, like, you know, like a couple of years ago, you know, they caught me, like, driving without a license. In the same episode, he says, yeah, I didn't have a license. Who cares?

So what? It's, like, no big deal. But, you know, like, the feds, you know, prison, whatever. Like, who cares? So what? And then he also says. What are you going to do? Yeah.

When the lawyer is like, you could be deported. How would that feel if you actually had to go back to Italy? And he's like, yeah, well, you know, it's so weird. Like, you know, my parents are citizens. Myaly and he's like yeah well you know what's so weird like uh you know my parents are citizens my brothers and everyone's a citizen you know it just never occurred to me to to do the paperwork like have you ever done paperwork for anything yeah every problem in your life right now is that you fucked up paperwork everyone the bankruptcy thing he's like i didn't know i was doing nothing wrong you know like you do you fill out a paper and then

boom you're in jail yeah i thought you know uh when i brought my brother's id to the dmv i thought that meant uh you know that was fine i thought family that's fine it works you know i didn't do the paperwork on that on my he's such an asshole you know he probably thought he could like by not being a citizen he didn't have to pay some sort of taxes or whatever he's an idiot yeah but then the lawyer busts out this this diary that theresa wrote in like oh yeah with her big handwriting and um it's like told in refrigerator magnet yeah word poems yeah exactly and she's like i broke up a fight i've been doing that and they're sitting there going through this diary i'm like oh shut up you know they're positioning it they're trying you know they're

gonna be like theresa's diary published you know know they're positioning it. You know they're going to be like, Teresa's diary published. You know, as soon as she gets out of jail, they're going to publish it. I think they already said that, that they're going to be publishing her diary. That's why she's sending it to the lawyer. And the lawyer's like, oh, yeah, you know, it's important for people to know. It's not just all fun and games. You know, between Pilates and cable there's you know people fight and she says guys don't fight you know she's sticking up for the little guy in there you know because she's

got power you know everyone's afraid even though those tables are bolted down in there you know they look at it twice when she sits down everyone's nice to her because she protects the little guy like shut up like there's some fucking hero of of pussy jail get out of here yeah and and bravo is trying to create some sort of drama anywhere they can they're like coming up hey joe they told me not to go outside not to go outside and then when you get the actual scene of when she's on the phone she's like yeah they told me not to go outside because there's a plane outside and they're trying to take my picture it It's like, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.

Bye. They tell me, Teresa, don't go outside because they want your picture. So that's why we released that picture into Life and Style magazine. So now they can stop flying by. Teresa, publishing fucking videos and posting pictures from jail. Oh, my god. Well, she's in yoga. And she's in meditation now. And there's a different tree.

She's a different person. What she's pronouncing own properly and correctly. And then again, making her say, like, you know, tree. She doesn't get that much allowance in jail. So you know what she did? She spent her money to have one of the girls do the curls. So that way, you know, because she knows how much you like the curls, Joe, the curls so that way you know Cuz she knows how much you like the curls Joe right so that way when you saw her how much you'd love the curls and How like you were touching her curly hair cuz you love it so much. That's what she does for you because she's a saint

She's a martyr. Shut up. I don't care about her curly hair. The next day She said it was all worth it because you liked her curly hair and you said she looked pretty Yeah, and then Bravo's like coming up a channel. I got shaken down and then we get to the scene She's like, coming up. Joe, I got shaken down. And then we get to the scene. She's like, yeah, I told Gia to tweet for me. And then they thought I had a cell phone in here. So they shook me down. And they didn't find a cell phone. And he's like, oh, they didn't find it, huh?

Where'd you hide it? She's like, Joe, Joe, no cell phone. Oh, yeah, yeah. I sent you that cell phone. Where'd you hide it? Where is it? Where is it, babe? Cell phone.

You know, babe, where is it? Joe it babe cell phone you know babe where is it did they check up on your anal cavity no joe no tell him to yeah he's like joe i've been digging a tunnel to get out of here but it turns out i was digging in my mattress now i got a hole in my mattress joe so that would have fixed that joke so then and then then again bravo tries to create more drama they They go down to the shore house, this ugly ass shore house. And then Teresa calls in again.

And she's like, Gabriela, are you going to watch the World Cup? And Gabriela's like, yeah, I'm going to watch. I'm really excited. And like, oh my God, it hung up. It literally just hung up and like, oh yeah, she ran out of minutes. The music's like dun, dun, dun. Yeah, you know, this is what life is like. You know, you're talking to her, then all of a sudden, you run out of minutes. And then you like dun dun dun yeah you know this is what life is like you know you're talking to her then all of a sudden you run out of minutes and then you can't talk to her for three more days and you're like it's why why do i care like

who cares about this shit she ran out of minutes all right like am i supposed to feel bad about the fact that she ran out of minutes i'm supposed to be like oh the trials and tribulations of you know the fact that she got cut off i don't care i don't care yes you are supposed to feel bad that's the whole point and they're like joe hey joe why don't you uh you have to uh treasure these moments whether you have with your kids before you're gone for four years he's like yeah well what are you gonna do he's like hey kids i'm gonna try to be here for you and like daddy don't go and like dun dun dun dun dun he's like kids be annoying and they're like okay that's enough i don't care i'll see him i'll see him in 10 years okay i'm gonna go stand over here and sweat a little bit um and then so then finally

okay this is getting to what you were talking about before so joe gets onto his little bike and there was this great montage of him biking through town to get to the train station which was hilarious and it's the jersey version of clown coconut music, by the way. It's like... Well, they have like a bassoon in the Jersey one. It's like... Yeah, it goes from electric guitar to like bassoon. So he takes a train and he goes to Little Italy and he goes to Reno. Remember Reno?

Reno is there. And he goes to Reno's restaurant. In the back, he meets with this guy, Angelo, who – he's a guy with huge shoulder pads in his blazer. This big old guy sitting by a table who was in jail for seven years. He was a bookie. He did something illegal. And he's giving him tips. He's like, ah, you'll make some wine in jail forget about it tastes great it's great and look here hey i'm angelo all right here's your tips for the here's your tips for the prison all right because it's

gonna be bad for you because you're a high profile so here's the first thing you gotta do okay now first of all you're gonna go in there and since you're high profile because you're on the tv maybe you won't be in the compound all right so when you pass the gift shop on your way in get your cigarettes and your toiletries okay and he's like what they don't give you soap they don't give you like what who cares soap like who cares like what like have you seen the soap the soap is this big have you seen my body my my ass crack is bigger than the river like it's huge there's no soap and he's like yeah it's enough to wash your ass right ass wash he's like yeah yeah you gotta buy it buy your soap don't make terry buy it for you she can't do it it's like oh my god guys snoring here guys snoring here and joe's like yeah they

better not snore around me because i don't like their snoring like yeah good luck in prison dictating who's gonna snore around you stupid meanwhile melissa's probably sitting there with like a 12 pack of dial soap she's like well i bought soap but no one's asked if asked me for some soap so i'll just stand here with it that's okay i'll just have it ready for them that's okay oh you know what this stuff just called me mom oh soap so then what i love is uh joe another line of bullshit he's like you know uh he's like you know angelo uh i know guys like you i know what you guys do and i had a chance to do what you guys did and i chose to work hard and i'm still going to jail i'm like no you didn't choose you may have worked you may have done some work you

may have lifted things but you still defrauded people okay you worked hard at defrauding people don't don't give us this martyr bullshit joe Giudice. You are a criminal. You are a criminal. And you had like five different chances to do like the get out of jail free thing. Like you had chances actually to get out of this pickle. And you are such a fuck up that you're going to jail. Well, in this case, you know, the crimes are not equal because Angelo is actually better because at least he's part of organized crime. You are the most disorganized criminal I've ever seen in my life. You know?

Angelo at least did books. He's like, I'm a bookmaker! Yeah, that's called actually, like, filling out paperwork and shit. Joe, maybe you should listen to Angelo a little more. Yeah, exactly. Joe's like, no, don't worry about me. I'll go to jail. I'll do what I do.

You know, because I can do things. I'm good with my hands. Like, if they got i'll throw i'll throw trash off the roof that's what i'll do so what everyone's got trash to throw off the roof and he's like joe there's no roof in prison everywhere's got a roof that's what i know what they don't have a roof that's stupid get out of here who cares so what so what yeah they gotta just like just kill this i think i think bravo's only airing this just a, like, cheap curiosity thing. It should have been one episode at most. This franchise is just wheezing a slow death.

I know there are people that are interested in these people, but it's really... Well, everybody guess what Joe's only question about going to jail. He's talking to somebody who's giving him prison advice. And Joe only has one question in the entire dinner. He goes, what about sex? Guys have sex with me? That's his only question, is if he's going to get fucked in jail. That's the only thing.

And Angela's like, eh, didn't have much luck. But it goes on, if you need it. He's like, you're a stallion. I don't think it won't be a problem. You know. I think you can find a lot of different guys to have but don't you worry and then keeping it classy it's like dun dun poor joe music and then next week joe gets his back shaved they talk about dildos and a family trip to jail i'm like oh, seriously. I did like the part where Tree Cold and all the family was around.

It's like the grandpas and everybody's around. And the grandpa's like, you tell her I love her, but I will not go jail. I no go jail. And they're like, yes, grandpa. Poor grandpas. Yeah, don't cry. You can never see Teresa in jail. Don't.

And Moses is like, I can't cry because I know how much Nono hates that. He hates that when there's – he hates seeing people crying. But I really wanted to. I really wanted to cry. But the best part was Melissa, like, practically reaching over and being like, Hi, Tree. It's me. It's me, Melissa.

Hi. Have you gotten my emails or my texts? Or, like, have you seen the list of the thing? Like, it's me. I'm here. I'm on the camera looking at the phone. And's like uh-huh ciao uh anyway ciao uh so good poor melissa and not poor melissa go fuck off get off this show all of you need to get off aren't there other idiots in new jersey i i've been to ikea i know there's plenty of them there. Why aren't they using them? Clear.

Fresh pack. Fresh idiots, please, darlings. Valentina, find some other idiots. Find some Italians, Valentina. So that concludes Watch What Crappens Tuesday on Real Housewives of O.C. and Real Housewives of New Jersey. Next time,

we'll be Ladies of London and Below Deck with an added bonus of possibly some Captain Blogs because those are the best thing on the internet. Guys, don't disrespect the boat. And thank you for everybody. Thank you, everybody, for supporting. Come to patreon.com slash watch what crap happens to get the bonus episode.

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