Watch What Crappens - #2309 Vanderpump Rules Part Two: ScandoFallout

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

**This is part 2 of a two-part recap**Vanderpump Rules returns for season 11 and there’s brand new melancholy music, a sad man alone with his plants, and a lot of people trying to figure out how they’re supposed to like each other all the sudden. To watch the video version of this recap and for this week’s Southern Hospitality bonus episode, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. And grab tickets for the 2024 Golden Crappies Awards Feb 17 at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondery's new podcast, Dis and Tell, wades into the glorious mess of celebrity beef. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud and asks, what does our obsession with these feuds say about us? Follow Dis and Tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. Hi everyone, welcome back. This is part two of a two part recap. So then we go to James. He goes to a restaurant in the valley. And he sits down with Schwartz. Did you notice that the Greek Greek was in the background? I don't know why. I was like, I was expecting to see Angie, Angie K. Like on a swing. I'm Greek. Welcome to my restaurant.

So Schwartz is like, Oh, James, I got you something. So being a new homeowner, you're going to be obsessed with plants. Huh. I got you a little Monstera. Yeah. And also being a homeowner, you will develop a borderline fetish with candles. Oh, hit that. I was like, plants.

Yes, I do see that. Candles. Uh-uh. No, I'm proud to say I'm not obsessed. I'm reverse obsessed with candles. I hate them. Except the words that smell. I kinda hate them too.

I feel like everybody gives you a candle. All the time. Candles come back. Candles are a huge thing now. And I know a bunch of people who sell their own. By the way, this is no offense to the people who sell their own. I support your business.

I support it. Dr. Tipty Moon, her candles actually smelled really good. Yeah, but it's just so many can meet competing smells. And then a lot of people give them to me because it's like a Christmas thing, you know, it was like give somebody a candle. I'm like a did somebody die in a Catholic church because I've gotten 900 candles in here and be how badly do I stink? Why doesn't someone just say Ronnie put on some fucking deodorant because at this point I feel like they're telling me you smell like an ass.

And that's why we have given you 97 candles that all smell like different things. Exactly. Like I'm not inherently opposed to a candle. Like there are certain candle scents that are wonderful, but I know the scents that I like. And there's a range. And so I like to get the candles on my terms. I don't want you to give me a candle

because most of the time the candle smells hideous to me. So it's like, you know what? It's like getting someone underwear or something like that. That's like an intimate, it's a private choice. It's a choice you make. Right, like you don't buy someone a dining room table because that's something they have to pick out for themselves.

Like is there a case that's not personal? Right. Like imagine if I bought like you just don't, there's certain things you're like, let this be that person's choice. Because the truth is most people don't understand what my olfactory needs are and they almost 95% of the time get them wrong. But also specifically for you, if someone got you a candle specifically,

they don't know you because anybody who knows you knows that you are extremely persnickety about smells. This is my area. Like there are a lot of scents that most people think are lovely that I do not like. Like I don't want, I just thinking about them. And that's, you know, when you open up a bag and it's full of candles, you're like, that being said, someone did actually get us candles that had all sorts of funny names on them.

And those candles all smelled great. And what was the best part about them is that they all had funny names like, were you getting, were you getting blowjobs at the roundup or whatever? And remember we went through TSA and I had my blowjob candle in the, in the, in my baggage. And I literally got pulled aside by TSA and the TSA people pulled up the candle and they went, are you getting blowjobs at the roundup? Yeah, you're not paid to read. Okay. Just get to your thing and put that. It's a great mortifying moment. Um, here's another mortifying moment.

If I showed up to dinner and found out you were taking me to a place called Wooden Water, I would leave and say don't call me ever again. Who wants to eat at a place called Wooden Water? What are you doing? Making paper? Making paper or something? Okay, so James was like, oh my God, love the candle. It's like citrus pussy in there. Smell it, smell it.

So fresh, so fresh. It's exactly what I want my house to smell like, citrus pussy. So then the waiter comes over and I think this waiter has gotten in trouble for shaming people, trying to make the upsell of bottled water because you know that's how we're trained, waiters.

We're trained to be like, so sparkling still, either of those, I'm gonna say just tap us on, they go, oh, tap, okay. All right, tap. I will send the bus boy over with some, tap. Be right back. You're your true steps.

This guy goes, so you guys just want regular filtered water from a pitcher? It's filtered, I'm just trying to. Did you feel less shamed? Okay. This little Schwartz is like, oh, by the way, oh God, this is the first time I've worn this hat out in public at this Schwartz and Sandy's hat. And he's like, he's like, it's my first time wearing it since you know what, I was worried I might get a boo or something. Meanwhile, you know, like everyone across the restaurant's like,

Boo! I think if Tom Sandoval can actually go out in public and sing, I mean, that guy should have been booed before Sandoval, and he's still out there after Sandoval singing, I think you're going to be fine with your little stupid hat. You're okay, buddy. You're okay. So, Schw Schwartz like, oh, the biggest fight I've ever been in my life was naming our bar Schwartz and Sandys and he campaigned for that so hard. And then Mr. Marketing Genius put that name on the side of the building.

And when you do that, you have to hold yourself to a higher standard. Oh God, I'm rambling. God, pretending to be mad at sandball. So people like me again. It God, I'm rambling. God pretending to be mad at sandball so people like me again is really hard. I know. And also you're only shooting with James because sandball is doing something else right now, you know, which is also really sad. But it's like, hey, James, wow, James, so good to see you. I'm going to talk about myself for about 20 minutes in a row.

Okay. I hope that's okay. So yeah, our restaurant became like the scene of a crime. Reservations are down and the staff quit. We felt like zoo animals in there, you know, people were harassing servers coming in there with a vengeance, you know, just yelling at servers. It was so toxic. I'm like, do you know the show you've been on for the past 10 years? And now you want to complain about something being toxic. So he's like, Oh, right now I just, I just, I have a lot of resentment for Tom Sandoval. Don't be mad at me, America. I'm so mad at him. And he said, I'm sorry,

I put you in a fucked up position and then I use you as a shield for my affair. In other words, I had nothing to do with this America. Oh, I'm just sweet. Tom Schwartz. Oh, just a sweet, sweet guys when put in a bad position. So then he tells us that he had a bad year anyway. And, you know, Scandavall was just a radioactive cherry on a shit Sunday. And he's like, I felt like a pry in the group.

And James says, I know the feeling on that one, bro. Do you even hear me say citrus pussy? It was actually pretty good. Shh. Damn it, they followed me over here to show me no Sorry I was told by production that you'd only eat by an airport So Yeah, short like yeah, well, thank you for extending some empathy and remembering that I'm not Tom Sandoval.

I'm Tom Schwartz. I'm not Tom Sandoval at all. Oh, hold on. I just got booked to do another podcast of Sandoval where I let him off the hook. Bye. Mmm. So then, um, Schwartz, by the way, I want to listen to that. You're talking about the Nick Vile podcast, right? Uh, yeah, I haven't listened to it, but I saw a clip this morning. Someone sent to me. Thank you. Whoever you were. I'm sorry. I forgot who it was that sent it to me because I read it as soon as I woke up. I watched it and the clip I saw was Tom's hand of all being pissed at Sweet Lady Janes because they put on but they made a cake that was like Sweet Lady Janes is a

bakery in LA that just closed and they made a cake that was like sweet lady James's a bakery in LA that just closed and they made a cake That was like team ariana or something like don't they put it on a cake man And then Schwartz was like yeah, but man they closed And Schwartz is like I think it was like Nick I think it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Not that I'm trying to explain for him. Oh, I'm cute.

Oh, I'm glending clothes, man. Oh, I tried watching, but it was two and a half hours, which listen, I'm not coming from a place of doing a concise podcast where I'm judging the length of your podcast. I'm just like, I'm too tired. Like I can't. But he does a two and a half hour show and Tom Sandoval is not even there in the beginning.

He's late. Tom Schwartz shows up and he's like, sorry guys, I guess we're on T s time. That's Tom Sandoval time. Uh-huh. Yeah. He's like, well, why don't you call that motherfucker and tell him to get over here? What an idiot. You know, and so late to your own redemption door.

I can't do that. I am going to listen to it though. I'm not, I do have time for it. Just, I didn't have this time this morning, but I am going to listen to it. We'll report on it a little later. Well, yeah, I'll get the highlights. I'll go to Reddit. I'll read the articles.

I'll get the heads. I do not have two and a half hours to listen to Tom's hand of all. I'm sorry. Honestly, the cake thing was all I needed. He was like furious at this bakery that closed that they dare to make a silly cake that had his name on it. Like seriously, bro, get over it, dude.

You're the one who was the aggressor here. So do you know who Fat Carrey Bradshaw is on Instagram? He's so funny. Oh my God, I love this guy. So he did a Tom Sandoval in this interview. He did like a whole video making fun of him and it's so good. He's just like, yeah, then everybody treated me badly, but I'm the victim.

I'm the victim. Okay, I did full fucking accountability. Whatever. He's doing this whole, I mean, it's perfect. He really gets the pathos and just the anger and like the, like I'm taking responsibility without taking responsibility. So thank you for that FCB. That probably is all I will need to listen as well.

I mean, like, yeah, because that's exactly right. Tom Sandoval taking like fake accountability and then getting annoyed that he has to keep on doing this. Listen, I get it. If he's annoyed, if he doesn't want to have to keep on apologizing, he is like, you know, bottom of the barrel for most of America right now. So then stop doing these, stop doing podcasts.

Just go away. Go away for a moment and like let your Real. Like improve. Cause by the way, people are already turning on Ariana in the audience. I saw so many comments that were like, I can already tell I'm sick of Ariana. So you know, like just let the season play out. People will probably be loving Sandoval by the end of the season and then you can emerge from your

cocoon. We are Bravo people. We are a toxic, toxic people. She's not being entertaining yet. I'm sick of her. That's us. So, um, okay. So you're still bitching about sound of all blah, blah, blah. And James is like, well, I'll tell you this, you were the best when you're just Tom, not Tom Tom. Sorry, I said it there.

I said it and now I'm wearing glasses. So you have to take it for a worthy opinion. All right, a smart person said that. Yeah, and then James is, James is also, you know, talking about being sober. And so he's like, yeah, I've been sober again, you know, cause I've been DJing and just like having red bulls and Fiji and whatever extra drinks they throw down for me

from the Southwest airline. And the like are you like why did you decide to get sober? And he's like, well, I like definitely didn't give me an ultimate in but this time it was 100% my decision. So I just want a DJ and I won't be like the best version of me now. He's like, yeah, you know, it's technically California sober. Cause I wake up with smoke a bit and drink a coffee, smoke a bit, go to the gym, smoke a bit, have some lunch, smoke a bit. I like it. Okay. Listen, there's California.

I get that my everybody goes a hundred percent sober, but I used to smoke like that too. I would not consider myself sober even during that time. I was fucked up constantly Especially now with weed being as strong as it is good Lord, but you go girl Guess what? I've been meditating and I've been working out equinox every day and like look at these pecs Look at these back. Oh, yeah. Oh look at these bad boys on the nice look at my pecs. Yeah. Look at those hot pecs I got hot pecs. Okay. I don't think I'm ever gonna drink again and pecs. I got hot pecs. Okay. I don't think I'm ever going to drink again. And then basically another plane of flies overhead. And then James is like, he asked if Schwartz has spoken to Arianna yet. And he's like, Oh, no, I don't think she wants to see me. I mean, you know, in her mind right now,

I'm, I'm just an extension of Tom Sandoval. Little does she realize that I was put in that position and I'm angry at him. I'm basically on her side. So you're saying should I invite her to your DJ set tomorrow with Tom Tom? I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. And he's like, oh, all of them are invited. But don't worry, tomorrow it's a fresh start. All right. We're all going to be doing the exact same things in the same places with the same people. Right. And you're going to blossom into a new flower with a new smell.

A good smell. Like I don't know. A corpse flower. You know the sort of thing that blossoms once every hundred years and smells like ass. That's what you're going to be. You stupid slut. I'm still mad. I'm still mad from last year.

Sorry I'm a good little boy. I'm sober now. Sorry. Sorry. Tom Flom, my forgiving. Tom Flom made it where I'm sorry, I'm a good little boy who's sober now. Sorry. Sorry. Tom Flom, my forgiving. Tom Flom made it run there. Sliding across the floor. Sir, you just crashed into table 12.

So now we go to the Century Plaza, we're in Century City where Ariana and Sheena are going to have like a spa day. So they go get massages and stuff. And Ariana's talking about how she and Katie went thrifting and they got like plates and cups and cups from the thrift store for the store and everything. And Sheena's like, yeah, I'm like busy right now like trying to train like summer, moon, how to do like,

I'm trying to like potty train her and also like how to open up a TikTok at the same time. It's like really awkward, but like I just lie and I say oh she already does this so why can't you do it? And then unfortunately like I'll have Lola on speakerphone and then I'm like oh she does it she poops on the toilet and then Lola's like oh she doesn't poop on the toilet she poops under a pile of toys and I'm like shut up! I really want summer moon to meet your boyfriend Dan. He seems like really good with kids and He seems like he'd be like really big on brisket

Arianna's like yeah, he has like two nephews and hangs out with them and then teaches them to do things They're not supposed to do. Yeah, that's like the perfect person. I want around my baby Sounds great So person I want around my baby. Sounds great. Bring him over. So, Sheena's like, yeah, I don't think she's really fully processed the trauma, but like, look, as long as he doesn't sleep with one of her best friends, he's already a huge step up from her axe. Yes, that is true. Again, I'm gonna hold judgment off of Dan because I have nothing to go on except for the fact that they met at a wedding,

which also feels, I don't know, like there are a lot of love stories where people meet at a wedding, but also I feel like a wedding is where you go to hook up with people where there's no strings attached. So who knows? But we'll just have to see. And Ariana says she loves that Dan and Brock

are workout buddies and she knows like, yeah, we got like really good ones finally. So the lady comes to offer them champagne and chocolate for the next round of whatever. And Sheena's not drinking either. She's like, yeah, because I'm like three weeks in with Zoloft and no alcohol, no weed, anything. And she's like, well, do you feel okay? And then we find out that Sheena has been diagnosed with OCD and she's like, And the affair made my mind go crazy.

Like, oh my God, like, we'll brock do this, we'll brock do this with Lala. Okay. Sheena has found a way to make it about herself. You're literally with the person who this was done to out of spa day and you're still finding a way to make it about herself. You're literally with the person who this was done to at a spa day and you're still finding a way to make it about yourself. Congratulations. I mean, very well done. Sheena's gonna sheen a man. Sheena. I mean, she's an icon. So, uh, yeah, she talked about how she has, she'd been diagnosed with OCD and that like mixed with her general anxiety. Uh, and everything

that happened, Scandinaval, don't forget she was also, you know, was in this court case with Raquel and all that stuff. So she really said that her, she really kind of spiraled and she was really having a tough time. And Ariana's basically like, well, she, Ariana is saying then that she has Schwartz blocked because I guess she asked about Schwartz and Ariana says that, you know, after they talked that night, you know, initially, which we saw at the finale, like it was like, she was just like, listen, we can't be friends,

but it was just like, fine. But then she was like, oh, then I watched him on Watch What Happens Live. And he was like, people need to go give Tom Sandoval a hug. So I texted him, basically probably like a fuck you and then blocked him. And they're like, so what did you say to Schwartz? And she was, um, I don't remember, but I don't think it's that bad. And then we see him reading the text and he's like, it says, fuck you, blocking your number, go choke on Sandoval's dirty ass dick, you fucking loser. What are you like a lesbian version of Macaulay Culkin now?

Okay, well whatever. What are you trying to be the bad guy and Harry Potter you stupid blonde haired motherfucker? Hey, you hope you die For the record, I've never choked on Santa Falls dirty ass dick. I took it down smoothly So Arianna's like um, yeah, I just don't see a friendship there. But I will go to TomTom for James and also because I understand the rules of reality TV and if I don't go, everyone's gonna turn on me. So I've got to be there. Yeah, I'll be there. And she goes, but maybe I'll just, if anybody starts with me, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom and take a shot. So then we, um, see a commercial for the Valley,

Jack's new show, which wow, that's still looks terrible. I did not see this commercial. Was it? It was the same one we saw. It's the one where he's driving a little tiny car around the neighborhood and everyone's coming out in what they think is a ball gown, I guess, like glitter dresses and stuff.

And then Brittany comes out and she's like, Jax, you better get your play inside and stop trying to run off that tiny car. Jax! Oh gosh, the Brittany of it all is so rough when she shows up there. Jax, I'm like, oh God, I don't know if I can go back to their world. Well, you're going to be there. We're going to know if I can go back to their world. Well, you're gonna be there. We're gonna do it. We're gonna do it.

And it's like, coming to spring, they're taking a shot at adulting. Ding! Good luck. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial. Being an actual royal is never about finding your happy ending, but the worst part is, if they step out of line or fall in love with the wrong person, it changes the course of

history. I'm Aresha Skidmore-Williams. And I'm Brooke Sifron. We've been telling the stories of the rich and famous on the hit Wondery Show Even the Rich, and talking about the latest celebrity news on Rich and Daily. We're going all over the world on our new show, Even the Rich. And talking about the latest celebrity news on Rich and Daily, we're going all over the world on our new show Even the Royals. We'll be diving headfirst into the lives of the world's kings, queens, and all the wannabes

in their orbit throughout history. Think succession meets the crown meets real life. We're going to pull back the gilded curtain and show how royal status might be bright and shiny, but it comes at the expense of, well, everything else, like your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. Follow Even The Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Even The Royals early and once again, that's like plain overhead. And James like guess what?

I'm going to slide right into this room to make this big announcement. I just found the perfect accessory to my outfit in your closet. Can you believe it? I found it in your dumb, stupid, sly closet. Sorry, Ally Bailey. Sora didn't mean to say that last part. Then we go to Lala and Sheena, who are doing makeup together.

And Lala's like, yeah, I'm gonna like really contour so that I can create what's called ozempic face. Sheena's like, you know how many people ask me if I'm on ozempic? It's like, no, it's called scramble ball. I don't know. Well, give me some of that. Put that in a fucking shot.

I'll take it. And then Ariana's FaceTiming Dan and she's saying that she's like really nervous to go to Tom Tom tonight. And she hasn't been there since the night that everything transpired. And she's thinking like, maybe I shouldn't go, but then if she doesn't go, then he wins. And she tells us that she just like, why should I have to make my life smaller because Tom messed everything up? So she's gonna go there and make new memories

so that way that the old memories don't have power over her. This old memory was bad, because they showed it to like video from the night that she was there, March 1st, 2023. And she's in there and she's just like screaming and yelling at his set and like giving a video of her like dancing

and shaking her head like, yes, he's amazing. I mean, that is terrible. That was a good partner, you know? I mean, say what you want about these people, but that is someone who actually went to your shows and pretended that you were actually good a lot. And you're not. No, no.

So, yeah, and then Dan's like, well, you always got me, I'll get you on from the sidelines, I'm just 2,000 miles away. So now we have everyone walking into Tom Tom, like returning to the scene of the crime. You see Jameson Ale walking in, and then we just see this shot of Ken.

He's like, it's like his batteries are just running low. He's like, it's like his batteries are just running low. He's like, just kind of like rotating a little bit. You know, can the skin Roomba is definitely just kind of turning around, looking at different parts of the room. Like, where do I go now? Where do I go now? Where do I put this purse? Where can I put this purse down?

Because Vanderpump has made him go outside so she can have her own entrance. And of course, here she comes in slow mo with a sexy, sexy pomegranate. Completely original idea to me. Just taking all the pennies and sexy props. And he's like, yeah, man, this woman is stealing my soul. So she sits down with James and Alex like, hello, darlings. How are you?

Are you excited to be here? Are there any broken birds attending tonight? So they all gather and Katie and Ariana are coming down the street and they're like, oh my God, remember the first time we came in here together? And then we see clips of them coming in arm in arm, like they are now. And how positive everything was back in those days. This is where I thought the show was really strong, actually, it's like matching the optimism

of like a few seasons ago with just like the pain and the trauma of the current season. It's great. I'm not disagreeing, I just thought you were gonna say more. I was like, there's nothing more that needs to be said. I'm not disagreeing. I just thought you were going to say more. I was like, there's nothing more than you. Just we can bask in all their dreams being destroyed. Because that's what this show is ultimately always about. Yeah. But you know what? It's like, these people are crash

test dummies. You can't be like, Oh my God, they learned a lesson because you know, it's just going to be another day and another crash. It's like, which, which, who are you going to crash into now? You know, we told you, we told you both. Lisa's like, All right, James, go and do what you're supposed to be doing. Get everyone fired up. We've got a brand new roll of tissue paper for you to sit on or actually toilet tissue, whatever it is. I don't know, poor people things. That pizza oven's not going to stop playing music out of itself, is it? James is on like best little boy behavior. He's like, absolutely Lisa, whatever you want, you're the boss.

Go on, I will do it on the best little boy for you, Lisa. And then Ariana comes and Schwartz comes over. He's like, oh, hand-wringing, hi Ariana, oh God, well Ariana's back to me. She just like squints and looks away. And he's like, gosh, she's really got that wall up. She sure is an ice queen. I mean, I understand.

She has this exalted status like, Queen Ariana, patron saint of scorned women. Okay. Well, there you go. So you're not really trying to make up after that. There is the real, there is the real Schwartz. I mean, you were foolish. It is like, but like, until the ice melts while they're, I have a feeling it's going to be really hard to make any inroads with the rest of the girls. Also, probably, cause you haven't showered in like three months.

So they probably just don't literally want to be around you. So then he goes up to the bar and the bartender is like, would you like something, boss? And he's like, I need a hug. Gross. Oh, poor, poor Tom Schwartz needs a hug. So then Lisa clasped Ariana's hand and goes, are you okay?

Would you like to cry? I need, I need some broken bird energy in my soul right now. Please cry. Let those tears out, Ariana. And then Ariana's like, this is really rough for me guys. I haven't been here and I'm sitting in the same chair at the same table and it's...

And so all the girls hold her hands. They have like a girl power moment where they're like squeezing hands. And then we see memories of her and Tom. You know, it's funny how people can overwrite memories so quickly because now when I think of Sandoval, all I think of is the Sandoval stuff and kind of the way that he was on that podcast today

or just like the bitter, gross, disgusting piece of shit slime bag he was. But then you see these memories and you really see how much he had everyone snowed, you know? I was like, I don't really care if we go home early, Ariana. I only care about your feelings. You're what's important. You can talk to me about anything.

Dude, I would rather you live in your truth than hide something from me or put something pejorative on a cake. I wouldn't want that any other way. And I totally agree with you because honestly, I got, I was sort of like moved by this montage. I was like a little emotional about it because it was like, wow,

you're seeing this relationship over so many years. And like, it just seemed like a very sweet and beautiful and supportive relationship. Like she would show up for him, he would show up for her, they tended to each other's needs. It just was like lovely and I think like I believed in it and then you sort of see it and you're like, oh man, that's just, this is such a bummer, man.

Like this is all destroyed and fake and it never was. Like, man, I just got, I was like, wow. It was like time got innocence. It was a time of innocence on Vanderpump Rules. I mean, didn't even realize. Well, I'll tell you who else got really sad, Ben. Trixie Monocle, cause here's the new song she sings. It's like, dun dun dun dun dun.

I find myself in this array. I find myself in this array. Oh, fucking perk up, lady. Who hired this downer of a fucking Trixie? Give me my old Trixie back. I want like, I've got power and I am rich now. And I don't need a man in chong chong. I'm a bitch. I'm a bad a man in Chong Chong. I'm a bitch.

I'm a bad bitch opening up sandwich shops. Bitch, bitch, you're not a bitch. I take up from a thrift store. Beach sees a salad wraps. Don't you want one boss bitch boss bitch sandwich bitch boss bitch. Find yourself a disarray. Get the fuck out of here. It was definitely like

Trixie Eilish and I have to say I was a sucker for every single musical cue like from this point forward because they kept on putting in all this melancholy music and every time they did I was like wow can you believe it I fell for it but it was funny because the girls are trying to make this like we're bonded now. We're gonna have a bad bitch summer, but then they just kept playing these Irish, you know prostitute murder songs over it. It's like, we're girls and we're here together and we're gonna come through it. My life in this city, I've died but my family can't hear me. But I'm still in my mother's living room

So Yeah, they're like summer of bad bitches betches and Lisa's bad. What bad bitches. Oh, I don't understand this youth youth slang. That's you bad bitches not me You slang, that's you bad bitches, not me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So Lala is like, um, time to have a private conversation with you, L.V.P.S. So she pulls her over to the side

and then she's telling her, listen, I'm feeling all sorts of ways about what Rachel said, you know, because she said at the end of the season, she said, if I go against Tom's, I don't have anybody's. And then we see a clip of that where she's, you know, or she find, I think this is when she finally came clean, right? At the very, very end when she's like, okay, fine, I'll tell you the truth.

And she's saying, if I go against him, I don't have anybody. And Lala's like, Lala's like, what I can relate to is feeling isolated. Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning and you're just with a man having two fried chicken sandwiches on his chest, it's isolating. And I feel like the person who has made you feel like that, they make you feel like you're the only one. Now I get the sentiment, but I think something missing at the end of Raquel's

speech was like, I don't, if I go against Tom, I don't have anybody to shoot with because that was kind of like the end of it for her. If she ended up with, if she ended up not being with Tom, she would have been done cause she was done with James, right? And no one liked her from the girls cause she was making out with shorts or whatever that whole storyline was. she was done with James, right? And no one liked her from the girls cause she was making out with Schwartz or whatever that whole storyline was. I mean, yes, probably, but I do think that she's also like,

I have burned all my bridges and, you know, like I will, I would have, no one likes me and Tom's the only person left who likes me in this whole situation. And if I go against him, like I have the whole world that hates me right now, and he's the only person left who shows me any kind of grace. So I think she was, I think she really was like,

I'm alone in this world, and I have no one to shoot with. What's bigger? Yeah, well, when you say this world, I think it is like this world, the Vanderpump rules world or whatever, you know. But either way, Lala's like, yeah. Now that said, obviously what Tom did, especially hearing more about it as it goes on, his whole like,

oh, we're gonna have a secret and you can't tell and we're gonna do this. And then I mean, obviously the guy is a manipulative piece of crap. I just don't know that I'm ready to jump on the hole. Like, oh my God, poor Rical. I think that sometimes that even though I've kind of vacillated in my feelings over the course of the whole storyline or whatever, I think at the end of the day, it kind of is condescending to just be like, she just doesn't

know anything. She's just an innocent, doe-eyed little girl. And I think that's kind of what everybody was fighting against last year. So especially Lala. So to see Lala being like, you know. I mean, I think you get a pity for someone and feel bad for someone, but still hold them accountable for their actions. Because at the end of the day, you do get nothing for nothing. And he and that is all you can say for the life of the poor. And like, honestly, she knew what she was doing.

She was, she's a grown woman. She's old enough that she's aged out of her pageant category. So that was rough. I mean, that's a real trauma. I think that's what really, I think she was having her version of a midlife crisis. She was aging out of her pageant category without taking the home the crown.

So yeah, she's spiraled. Well, for a pageant girl, that is, I guess, your middle age crisis, right? When you're like, oh my God, I'm not going to be able to do any more boogie words, boogie board stage work. What am I made for? Disarray. Yeah. So, so Lala's like, yeah, because I know what it's like having a man in front of you, painting this beautiful picture saying, you're the one for me, you're my cellmate, and you're willing to risk it all for this man. And then he doesn't buy a million of your books so that you can make it on the New York

Times bestseller list. I know what it's like. You show up at the, the carnival, you're wearing black leather and he's saying, you're the one that I want, you're the one that I need. And you go, ooh, ooh, ooh. And then next thing you know, you're trapped. I get it. I get it. So she's saying, you know, I was believing random to the point where I was just ignoring everyone around me saying, girl, you're the other woman. So she's still doing this whole like, I didn't know I was the other woman. I was so tricked that I believed

that I wasn't the other woman. Right. Well, actually, I don't think she's saying, I didn't know I wasn't the other woman. She was like, I put blinders on and shows not to accept that, despite the fact that everyone told me and it was all right there. And Lisa's like, well, it's quite surprising.

She even had the balls to go against the sandball. Right. And Lala's like, I know, I know that feeling of like, I'm going to tell the truth because that's what feels natural to me. I'm going to tell the truth now. Uh, but did Lala. I don't think that anybody has ever said that about Lala. Actually, actually, you know what Lala's, you know what Lala's toxic trait is?

Always telling the truth. That's just Lala. Yeah. So then Lala says, you know what the hardest part was? And this, I love this little speech because it felt very, this felt like she felt like it should be in some drag show. She's like, all the names I was called me being labeled a home wrecking horse. If you just lay out, you just lay it out out there.

They're all true. I'm a whore. And my thought of this was Lala making herself the real victim of Scandavall is high art. I mean, just watching her weave this whole thing, I loved it. Now I will say my favorite lala is the fuck you. I'll do whatever the fuck I want to. And if I'm marrying some gross guy and have to eat him out every night,

while he eats a double chicken sandwich and burps in my face when I come up from his butthole, I'll fucking do it because it's worth it to me and fuck you jealous bitches for thinking anything other than that. That's when lala is like peak my favorite, you know, when she's like, I know you all hate me and I don't care because you don't have summer bodies. Yeah. That's my girl right there.

But I also love this girl, this version of Lala where she's like, fine, I hear what you're saying about me on the internet. I just want to move past this. So you all are right. It's fine. Now let me move on and create my, let's create, now it's time for the next version of Lala. Okay. Well, I'm, you know, look, I'm ready for all the versions. I love all the versions. I think she's like trying to close her Rand chapter. Her Rand chapter was her worst chapter.

And I think she's right now ready to move on, hopefully to go back to classical. Do you think so? It doesn't seem like it because she's like, I'm crying every day. I have all this stuff that's still this residual stuff because I didn't get to deal with it last year. So now I'm going to deal with it last year. So now I'm going to deal with it this year. It sounds like she's setting, I think the reason I'm starting out annoyed is because it seems like she's setting herself up for a season of re-litigating all of the Ram stuff, trying to

convince everybody of something that we don't need to be convinced of. Like, it's a great phrase. I'll find a new Rand. Let me rephrase. I agree. I think that she wants to have her her Rand victory lap last season and didn't get to. So I do agree that she will, like she wants to have like the post-Rand moment.

But I think that like she is closing the chapter on being like a Rand defender and a Rand, like I wasn't a mistress, all that stuff. All that stuff that everyone was like, okay, Lala, like, stuff, all that stuff that everyone was like, okay, Lala, like, come on. I think she's saying like, okay, okay, okay. Maybe I was some of those things, but I didn't realize. Just let me, let me have like my season of sympathy, you know.

Yeah. So she's dabbing her eye and LVP is like, oh, I'm so happy to see that you're not as rigid in your position to the one person who could make this season bearable You're gonna call all right Can't wait my magic has worked You know out of all of them Lala is actually the last person that I would expect to have empathy for Rick Raquel actually the last person that I would expect to have empathy for Raquel, especially after all their interactions. So maybe if there's room for forgiveness from Lala,

the others will come around and turn on Ariana and we'll have another amazing season. Wow. Yeah, I think that's maybe some of my resistance is this was filmed so close after the reunion was filmed and that reunion was like, I mean, it was dark. By the time that thing was done, I was like, oh my God, I wanna go over there and pick up Raquel after this, they were so mean, especially Lala, they were so mean.

So now her coming back, I'm like, I'm finding this all a bit fishy. So she's gonna do it because also Lala is, whatever we think about Lala at the end of the day You got nothing for nothing. She is a good reality star and she's like we need this girl back for this show And I will call her I will be the one to bring her back fine. Yeah, let's do it I think that's actually what this is more about I think at this time there were still some thought like is she gonna film is she not gonna film

So James is DJing the tourists are dancing having a great time And then Katie's talking to Sheena and she's like, this is like so fun. We gotta make this a regular thing. I've been like really enjoying hanging out and like I'm not wanting to revisit anything of what happened last summer, but I just like want to know that I can like trust you with like the small things.

And like when I'm talking about like what I'm doing and like who I'm dating, it's not gonna be like used against me on your podcasts. And Sheena is saying, you know, I'm so sorry. Like it's never going to happen again. Okay. Because like last summer I was ready to write off my relationship with Katie, especially after so many years of having to like walk on eggshells around her,

you know? And so we see a clip of their relationship, uh, being terrible and me always being on team Sheena the side. So my response to this is, okay, well, I want to be able to say things about you or to you without you using them against me too. Like why, why are you the one always apologizing? So, but although she probably did deserve to after last season. So now that I think about last season, I'm like, oh, okay, she owed it.

So, sorry, I'm working through this. It's been a lot, guys. Scandival's been a lot for me, guys. Okay. You know what, Roddy? Hold on. Let me ease your emotional state. We're in disarray.

Disarray. So she says that she's not going to be able to do anything. It's a rain. It's a rain. So she says that they have become friends again. Well, they put their differences aside for Ariana and now they realize that they kind of do like each other still. Yeah. So the show is at its best when they don't like each other.

Let's be honest. Well, how long can it last? I mean, look, you're still Katie and you're still Sheena. There's no way they're just going to be suddenly like, oh, I like you now. They do not like each other now. They're just waiting. Everybody's being nice because they're letting Ariana have her moment. But the second that is over, they'll be back. I just like want to get to like a back back to not where we were, but better and look at our two best

friends. I would love for the four of us to continue growing our friendship. Then Katie's like, let's do something a little bit more intimate. Let's do a girl's night because girl's nights really worked out well for us last season. So let's do that. She's like, I'm free tomorrow. Katie's like, I'm always free. Girls night's really worked out well for us last season. So let's do that. I'm free tomorrow. Kid is like, I'm always free. That was funny to me.

That was actually one of the funniest things that I've ever done was when she goes, I'm always free. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. The mushrooms, here comes one right now. shoes. Here comes one right now. So now Lala goes to the smoking alley and she looks up Raquel's number and

it sounds like she called her but she didn't. She was leaving her one of those text voice things. I hate those. Voice memo or something. I hate when people... Oh, okay. So I guess I don't have a say in this. I guess I'll just put aside a minute and 30 seconds of my time to hold this a new fucking monologue because you couldn't put that in a fucking sentence. Come on. Well, the new iOS does transcribe it, which is nice. Like I said, let AI lead the way. So she's like, what Rachel did? What she did? Like, how she went about those things was so fucking stupid. We need her back on the show. So she goes, Hey, Raquel, I'm sure I'm like the last person you expected to hear from. Well, maybe Ariana's the last one, but I'll just say I'm the last one.

But I just hope you're doing okay. And do you want to film with us? Cause we need a villain on the show. Thanks. We're literally planning girl fights with Katie. Please call me back. I don't know if you're back in LA or not, or if you're still stuck in stupid Arizona sending postcards. But I just I'd like to have a conversation with you at some point.

If you're open to that. OK, talk since. She's like, oh my God, she saw it. I'm going to like throw up and shit my pants at the same time. Is this seat here on? I'm gonna like throw up and shit my pants at the same time. Is this seat here on? So strange that Peter seats in the back alley. So then we see these like strange like flashes like horror movie flashes of like Sandoval and Raquel.

Another dead Irish prostitute, by the way. Bling, bling, bling, bling. I walk to the river. I walk to my death. Dumb, bling, bling, bling. Ha, ha, ha. Sorry, I was providing any on backup since it was Irish. Irish, uh, Prostitute. I thought I'd be... So funny.

And then they show them having fun, but they're like flashing in horrible shots of Sandoval's face, like a horror movie. And then we see Ariana and there being the center of attention and like dancing and everyone's taking her picture and all these homely girls from Burbank are surrounding her. And then it looks like she's having fun, but it's still the dead prostitute music. I could. Yeah. A hand comes from the ground and it grabs me by the ankle and it proves it proves until I'm gone. Poor Siobhan is dead.

So, um, now, uh, now we have Schwartz, he's at home at his apartment. I say, oh, Gordo, you want to hang out? You want to hang out? And his little dog just like pulling away back where even the dog doesn't want to hang out. The dogs are in the other room like, Oh, my God, please just leave us out of this. Please. The dogs are signing a petition to resurrect Sweet Lady James. So Katie comes over and he's like, Oh, Katie, I just gave the dogs oatmeal baths and I plucked just dingleberries.

Oh, it's a great day. Hi. She's like, ah, ah, ah. And she goes, yeah, I'm happy to say that he's not my problem anymore. And he goes, do you wanna stay and have some shots of kombucha or something?

She's like, sure. So yeah, you two are really living that independent life, huh? have some shots of kombucha or something. She's like, sure. You two are really living that independent life, huh? Shorts goes, I was reading the room last night. I was reading the energy. Ariana's not happy with me. Wow. You really relied on your psychic ability with that. We I feel like we didn't really underline like how shorts a few times went up to

Ariana was like, hey, Ariana. And she just would give like a like die smile, die, die, die right now. And it looked away. She. Well, he has to keep coming up to her over and over again so he can be the big victim. This is Vanderpump rules. These are Vanderpump rules, man. That's how they operate, you know?

I'm the victim. So she goes aside from the dogs, like he doesn't even get access to my life anymore after the way he spoke about me And then we see clips of him being like Katie sucks Yeah, he doesn't get access to all the nothing. I'm doing every night when's girls night. I'm really bored So Schwartz is like well, okay, maybe if it comes up at the right moment like say oh Schwartz would really love to chat with you and he's such a cute little boy And it wasn't his fault and you know, but you but but on your time Ariana your time like whenever you're ready, you know, ah So

He'd says that Santa falls at bootcamp for this show. And she's like, Oh my God, I hope he cries. And I go, yeah, he does. He cries a lot. She just squints at him like, I hate you. And I will finish this Kava root drink. It's delicious. I will waste your $12 kombu chou drink right now.

So, uh, now we go to Lala and she's at a restaurant. She's at the den, Den of Hollywood on Sunset, Sunset Boulevard. And it's still sad music. It's even upbeat sad music. They made it sad and minor key still, but now it has a faster beat. But what are you guys doing to me?

You're killing me. I know. So everyone, the girls all join and she was like, huh, it's warmer than I thought. Huh, I just like grabbed this. I'm like, I don't know. I guess I'll wear this out tonight. Hi.

She's such a machine entrance. And then they sit down and she sees Lala's glitter purse or whatever. And she's like, Oh my God, is that for my Amazon live? I'd love that. She says, yeah, it is. And Katie says, I think I have that person. She goes, no, isn't yours Alexander Wang? She goes, yeah.

She goes, this is Amazon. Poor Katie. I mean, Katie can't even win with a fucking Alexander Wang. You were gonna show her up with a fucking Amazon live first. That's cold. Katie's like, I had a tea party with me in the purse last night.

I'm so bored. So Katie's like, oh, by the way, I saw Tom today. He has pet bugs. Lost pet bugs Tom today. He has pet bugs. Lost pet bugs? Ew, no, pet bugs, as if that's supposed to make any better. Yeah. So then Lala's like, okay, yeah, but like let's talk about, oh Lala says, can I play devil's advocate here?

And Ariane was like, yeah, I don't think the devil needs any more advocates. Okay. She goes, yeah, but I think that's short. It's like, yeah, like he has to change his life, but you also have to think about the mental abuse that Sandoval has inflicted on him for years and years. No. So Arianna is like, yeah, but it's like the layers of learning that I've only just started. I like, I want to get closer to Katie for, you know, I wanted to get closer to Katie for like a long time. And I was like, always hesitant because Tom would always be like, no, be careful of Katie,

be careful of Katie. And all that goes, well, is that still happening? Because like, you have your guard up with me. And then she's like, she looked like, it's like you don't, it's like sometimes you barely tolerate me and Erin's like, babe, I like you, I do, she doesn't know. I mean, I know I can be tough, but behind closed doors, I'm sensitive. I'm a dog and everyone else's fight and I've been left to defend myself at times, you know, it's just me fighting for everybody else, always. You know, Lala is such a she is a victim in all this.

And I understand. I understand her feeling like about Ariana. I believe we actually once wrote a song about that experience about wondering if Ariana is merely tolerating you. Ariana Madadahs. Is Ariana Madadow does. Is Ariana Maddow does. Wow. I haven't played it in about five years, so I thought like, I think if there's any time to bring back the is Ariana Maddow song, it's right now.

While Mala is literally asking, is Ariana Maddow does. She's like, Ariana's been a tough nut to crack. And that's our downfall. I just don't know how to be friends with someone who shuts me out like that. I was like, why aren't we pretending like you're so nice to Ariana and it's just Ariana shutting you out all the time. Get out of here.

Roll the clips. Yeah, can we have the clips of like Lala talking shit about Ariana on her podcast, which started off there a little few like two seasons ago. So Ariana's like, well, I'm sorry I didn't trust your ago. So Ariana's like, well, I'm sorry. I didn't trust your judgment. And she's like, guys, I do think you guys like need like a little bit of like a moment, you know, who else needs a moment?

I do. Cause I'm like going through a lot right now. So yeah. I'm all this fake crying again. And so she's like, no, come on. Okay. Listen, we're going to inner circle our asses off.

We're going to go swimming pools together. And I was like, I want that. I want that. Yeah. And so then Lala's like, so that being said, now that I've buttered you up, now that I made you feel bad for nothing. With that moment that we just had, I feel like I need to be like very, very honest with you. So like, remember that reunion we filmed? Yeah. So the last five minutes of it, did you see it on TV because Raquel was talking on it? And like, there was one thing that she said, and she was like, if I don't follow what sandballs told me, then

I don't feel like I'll have anybody. Remember when she said that on TV? Yeah. So I was like feeling, I'm like feeling like, oh God, like I don't want to wear this for the rest of my life and like what I'm going through with Rand, which is the most important thing here right now. And I just like, I felt bad.

I sent her a message last night. And Katie just like eats a French fry like, ooh, you know, I just don't want to have to wear that the whole life. I mean, look, we all, Katie knows what it's like wearing terrible things her whole life, right Katie? It's like, bitch, leave me out of this. Okay. This is my, the outsiders look. Let me just live my life.

Katie's like, I already promised not to wear the beret anymore. Why? Katie's like, I already promised not to wear the beret anymore. So Ariana's like, well, okay. My feeling is that whatever she's doing, I hope she's well over there, but she's still in contact with Tom. They're sending each other packages. They're sending postcards.

So. And Ariana's like, this is kind of wild because like for a year and a half, if anyone interacted with Lala's ex, this is kind of wild because like for a year and a half, if anyone interacted with Lala's ex, she was going to murder them and like cut their balls off. And I just feel like if the shoe were on the other foot and if I were reaching out to Randall's mistress, I don't think Lala would be very happy with me, which is 100% correct. I mean, Lala literally had a rooftop meeting of people and told I was going to make them

sign papers and say, you're either with me or you're with Randall, something like that. So that is. Yeah. Remember last year it was they were mad at or she was mad at the Schwartz at the beginning of the season because he was playing pickleball still with Randall and she's like, fuck you, you're dead to me. So, um, yeah. So, so I was like, well, I know that they're still in communication. Just like, hear me out. Like, you know, remember, I have an X and like he asked me to sign an NDA. Like basically my situation is actually even worse than your situation. Ariana, I think that's what I'm trying to say.

Just how she said it is so weird. She goes, yeah, I know they're still in contact, but we're talking about my X. Like, no, you're not. You're not talking about your ex. Why are you talking about your ex? Cause nobody else is. And Katie's like, yeah, but that doesn't really apply here. And it's kind of a different thing. And Arianna's like, yeah, that girl knew better. And she goes, yeah, but, and she's like, she literally came to my house when I was crying in January and it was very clear we were still together. And she was like there, consoling me.

Like, I don't know what you want me to tell you about this check, but. Yeah, but, okay okay but we do have a tv show to do and like what she did to ariana was like so fucked up don't get me wrong it was so so so fucked up period backspace comma but at the same time at what point do I sit there and say, I know this feeling. I am a victim too. She's like, yeah, I know that everyone else has felt pain, but I've tasted Brown's butthole. Is anybody gonna cry for me?

I feel like I have not gotten enough sympathy over the fact that I understand the exact texture of his butthole hairs. So gross. By the way, it's a fair point. I understand the exact texture of his butthole hairs. So gross. By the way, it's a fair point. And Katie is like, you know, look, people are different. Like I get that you're feeling a certain way,

but these are different people. She's, yeah, yeah, like I get it. She's like your guy's little sister, okay? Like I got it. And she goes, yeah, like look at me. Like I was so there for her. I was like her fucking ride or not. I was like brisket basically. I was like a a champion for her so for her to do this to me

Let's not forget about that too. Okay. This is about me not you Sheeners sheshu I would never ever forget about whatever point you were making cuz I wasn't listening And she was like she's like um I just feel like if like the only thing Raquel did wrong was fall in love with her best friend, Sandoval, then like maybe one day we could have been friends. But like the bitch put a temporary restraining order on me and that has like changed everything. That's what's unforgivable to Sheena.

I love it. The girl put a restraining order on you after you hit her allegedly. Well, I'm on team Sheena for this one. It was so funny. I mean, I was like, well, for me, I'm on Team Sheena for this one. It was so funny. Orianna's like, well, for me, I just worry that there are certain people in this world that look at those types of conversations as a foot in the door,

and there's just no foot to be had. Like you can- What do you mean? I totally had the conversation on cameras, so. And Lala's like, okay, well, I just want you to know I'm in your corner and like clearly this didn't work out. So I'm just gonna say I don't want to upset you and we'll just drop it there. Okay. I thought it was gonna take some time for Lala to start coming for Ariana because we see in the previews, which we see in just a second after they hug, right? So then we start getting West

World Chords, which anybody who's seen that show knows that's depressing as hell too. It's like a dong, dong. It's like fun episode guys, but then we see what's coming up the rest of the season and we see a part where Lala's going, oh really? Well, I've never known somebody who just becomes a fucking saint just because her boyfriend,

just because she got cheated on or whatever she says. I thought it was gonna take a while to warm up, but Lala's just starting the season, coming straight for it. Although on Watcher Happens Live, Lala claimed that, there's like a reason why I said that, and later on this season, you'll understand why. So the episode ends after this girl's night, the episode ends where we go back to Ariana's house

and we see an SUV pull up and then we see boots. And there's Tom Sandoval walking back into the home and he goes, dude, hello. This is where we get the West World Chords with Tom, mysterious Tom stepping out of a car. He's back. I agree. Actually, I agree very much so with what you said, that it was good that there was no Tom. I think everyone was like waiting to see Tom and make fun of Tom and see his excuses.

But I think it was actually really good and smart that they did an episode that was centered on Ariana to start before we start, you know, because once Tom is back, it's all going to be about Tom. You know, that's just the way it is. He's going to be the villain or people are going to be like, No, he's been treated to unfairly. But the conversation's only gonna be, it really is about Tom. And I think Ariana's gonna fall by the wayside to some degree. And I think that this was good, that they had the first episode back,

focus on Ariana, the true victim, and all this bullshit. Well, that brings us to the end of an epic first two-part recap. That was super fun. And I know that was very confusing how I phrased that, but I'm sure there's gonna be a lot of two part recaps, is what I mean, because it's Fandor Pump Rules.

It's our Christmas. Everybody- Who's most confused was me. Okay, I'm like the biggest victim in this situation right now. I'm so confused. No one's more confused. Everybody, thank you so much for being here. Go get your tickets for the Golden Crappies, February 17th.

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