Watch What Crappens - #231: Burnt Popcorn, Moldy Boxes, and One Angry Dane

Episode Date: October 23, 2015

This week we discuss the burgeoning feud between Marissa and Caroline F. on "Ladies of London," and we can assure you this kerfuffle won't be dying down anytime soon. Allegations of taxi rudeness and family gossiping are the foundations of Bravo's best fights. There's also talk of Sophie, Caroline, and dead pheasants. Then it's on to "Below Deck" where a spat about a cardboard box and pommes fondant escalate into full-on maid warfare. It all culminates with a fire in the oven and a popcorn disaster like NONE OTHER. Remember you can support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and get access to bonus episodes, Google Hangouts, and all sorts of goodies. Also check us out at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens and watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? There's so much that crappens Oh, I mean, there's so much that crappens Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens. It's a podcast all about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. And if you love Bravo, then how lucky are you right now? That was my impersonation of Caroline Fleming. And we'll probably have many more impersonations between me, Ben Mandelker. I'm from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender.

And the wonderful, beautiful, hilarious, and much more talented with the impersonations-y, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. More talented than who? You? Oh, my God. more talented with the impersonation Z, Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV.com. More talented than who? You? Oh, my God. My impersonations are disaster. We're equally as terrible. Oh, no. Yours are much funnier.

Yours are much, much funnier than mine are. Accurate and not funny. Maybe because you're you and I'm me, so we can laugh at each other. How lucky are we? We can laugh at each other. How lucky are we? And I have basil, too, so I can make pasta.

So I'm double lucky. How double lucky am I? I hope you have some Himalayan pink salt. It's the most important ingredient to life. The kindest thing you could do for yourself would be to take my advice about pink Himalayan sea salt. Which I don't even know how that works if it's a sea salt

in the Himalayas. The world will thank you. You will thank you. That is the joy of life, is finding an entire sea up in the mountains. It's called a glacier. So anyway, wow, we are ready to go.

So here's the deal. Here is the fun deal. WatchWhatCrapHands.com is a website that Ronnie has been judiciously building. And how lucky are we to have this website? And it's still, it's not done, but it's really going to be where you can go to find a feed of our episodes. It's a place where you can see our Vine stuff, but you can find all our social media links.

It's really a one-stop destination, or it will be for all things watch what crap happens yeah you'll be able to go watch the vines right there on the page you don't have to be clicking all around everybody it'll be all of our content yeah and there's gonna be exactly and there'll be some cool stuff ronnie's working on some stuff to integrate things from facebook and yada yada yada but in the meantime uh you can also of of course, come to our Facebook page, which is essentially like our version of forums, right? Like website forums. This is facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens.

So much stuff on there. It is one of the best places on the Internet, I believe, to find Bravo Gossip because everyone there is like megan king admins and is in pursuit of knowledge and truth and justice so everyone anytime anyone sees anything remotely concerning bravo they post it there it is just like a giant news feed super fun and people write the funniest comments lots of good stuff there too our own gift library it is her own bad news man facebook's down all right before christmas so terrible don't worry they're already all pulled bad news man there's so many social media sites out there i don't know where to get my bravo gossip um so uh um but the other thing is this is really exciting for us, at least, is that on Patreon.

So we always talk about Patreon. Every single episode, we say, come to Patreon and support us. You know, we have a bonus episode, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, we just added a new thing. We added a new thing on Patreon right before this podcast even happened. Like, it's fresh off the finger presses. Just typed up. How lucky are you to be hearing about us um so we added a new tier well we sort

of downgraded a tier and added a new a new tier so now ringtones previously were if you subscribe five dollars per episode you could that is now ringtones are now $3 and now at the $5 level you get everything else you get the bonus episode you get the ringtones you get the monthly hangout but you also get

you get to submit questions that we will read on the air it's like if you're a mailbag so right now I think they can be whatever you want submit questions that we will read on the air. It's like viewer mailbag. Yeah. And they can be whatever you want. Yeah. We're figuring out a little bit of how we're going to, like, what sort of way you can ask the questions. I think we'll

probably open up a thread on Patreon. I think we can do that. But Ronnie is talking about voicemail, setting up a voicemail system where you can actually call in and we'll play your voicemail on the air. Yes. I think that would be so much fun to hear people actually saying their shit because you know people will be like right i have a question tamra you dumb bitch yeah it's like you know you know it's gonna be like that it's gonna be amazing it will be great so we're actually

really excited about that because um we're excited to hear the questions and to answer the questions. And it's just more content that we can we can generate on the podcast. So if you're interested in subscribing or if you just want to get the bonus episode, bonus episode is a dollar dollar per episode. You get you get a bonus episode. Really fun stuff. This week we talked about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on the CW and we talked about mcdonald's and sometimes talk about bravo gossip so i know i am pimping out patreon like crazy but i just want to make sure everyone understands what you can get on there that it's not just us asking for money is that we actually are turning out a lot more content um outside of just this podcast and it really helps us because there's a lot of stuff that goes into this podcast beyond us just sitting here yapping away. I mean, I got to buy coffee.

I mean, that's... I mean... You got to keep your Tiago flowing through those veins, Bean. I mean, those thin bars don't just buy themselves. Those accent tapes, I get it. The Samuel French drama bookstore ain't cheap, everybody. They still don't sell those on Amazon. I know.

And by the way, the last thing I'm going to say about Patreon is that whatever tier you donate at, you get everything below it. So if you are like our super wonderful, super sponsor, Jessica, Jessica gets access to everything below her because she's at the top tier.

You know? Yeah. If you donate for the ringtones, you'll get the ringtones, you'll get the hangouts, you'll get the bonus episodes, but you won't be able to submit a question. Yeah, you can, like, check out your services

and pick what you want, a la carte, or go to the Netflix red and get it all. Let's get it all. All right, let's move on to this. I'm so sorry, everyone. I hate filling up this intro with all that business. But you know what?

These are the lessons we learned about the gift from the gift library. If you don't go for that money, you're going to have to fire everyone. Exactly. I'll be laying on a duvet. I'll be lying down on a duvet. This is the noise of me crumpling up Pauline's candy wrappers and throwing them on the floor. Get out. I have messy hair.

You can tell I'm really upset about it. That's why we're going to make watchwhatcrappens.com so we can actually make this shorter. We'll just be able to say, do you want bonus episodes and ringtones and shit? Go over to watchwhatcrappens.com

and find out how. Bye. Next versus a lawyer. Yeah. So anyway, this episode, aside from it being a three-hour fundraiser, it's all we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about Ladies of London and Below Deck, both episodes.

Super highly, or yes, super, super highly. So good. And if we were really going to do the PBS route, we should do Public Bravo, whatever, wait, Public Broadcasting Company. No. Public Bravo Company. What does PBS mean. Public Broadcasting Company. What does PBS mean? Public Broadcasting Company. That's PBC. Public Broadcasting

Station. Yeah, I never thought of that before. It's PBS. I'm looking it up right now. PBS stands for... Systems, I think. Systems. But we would be Public Bravo Systems. Public Broadcasting Service. Public Broadcasting Service.

It's a service. This is like when Isaac Mizrahi was on Home Shopping Network or whatever and he didn't know if the sun was a star or a planet. That's what we're doing right now. When you realize how stupid you are. I have a lot of those moments on this show.

But yeah, since we're going to go the whole PBS route, we should just have Pavarotti come in here. Lift his ass in here every once in a while. Be like, cancer! I owe you nothing! I'll show you nothing! And then right before we get into something really, really good that everyone wants to hear about, we'll go away for 90 seconds to have a commercial for Norwegian River Cruises.

And then when we come back, we'll have like a phone bank and Cindy C on the case. Just got a call. Just got a call. And then a really wealthy lady with short hair will come on because she's paid the most. And so her prize for paying the most that she gets to appear on PBS. And she will say, thank you for supporting Ben and Ronnie. It's because of listeners like you that keep this podcast alive. Please join me, won't you, as we listen to the next episode.

Do you all have phones? I love phones. Look at all these phones behind me. People are calling them. Pick up your phone. Call on the phone. Call us on the phone and then laura lenny shows up and then she gives a little like backstory on the episode and you're like oh my god she really has good hair and makeup in the movies what are they doing to

laura lenny public broadcasting service i don't have a budget donate call us call us laura lenny looks like shit in this lighting get Get her better lighting. Call us. And then she'll say, The year is 2015. Two men, Ben and Ronnie, are sitting on Skype about a podcast. The topic? Ladies of London and Below Deck.

One about women in London, one about yachts. What do these have to say about modern society? That's what we'll find out. I'll be god that laura lenny sure seems like a boring bitch jesus get the stick out of your ass someone get her some adderall um lads of lungs well i'm glad i just want to say you're welcome everyone i just elevated this podcast to masterpiece theater or we're all sophisticated now. We are all sophisticated. Or we just completely drive

Laura Linney into pure shit. Depending on your positivity outlook for the day. Oh, Laura Linney, come on the show. Come on, come on. So today, this sound mix on the show, I download these online,

and since I like to keep my doors open, I have to shut my door. I mean, I have to wear headphones to listen. And sometimes the mixes are bad. And on this one, I had a steady in my earbuds. And I also noticed in the opening song, Poison. There's this, everything that was every T sound is like

right in my ear. And I was like, wow, this song's really jamming. And then it ended up being the episode of the with Julie going shoot ting. This all ties together in such a beautiful way. Episode of the That's right. We are now dissecting This all ties together in such a beautiful way. Episode of the tss.

That's right. We are now dissecting the phonics. This episode should have just been called tss. Well, I was laughing because the opening montage, generic music, was some silly song that was like, Don't be at home, go out in life. Don't be at home go out in life don't be at home get out in life I actually wrote shit I actually

wrote the lyrics down because I was dying first off whoever's doing the music on this show you are out doing yourself you are so fucking talented and so amazing every little turn i mean they will it's probably one of the members through the whole episode i'm warning you right now i'm just gonna i'm just gonna guess that whoever is the music director of the show was probably one of the

guys from right said fred that's what i'm gonna say the way that they're making everything funnier with the music and then changing it and And they're doing such a great job. You know, the rest of you on Bravo Network, take note before this show is canceled. Alan Lazar, we're looking at you. No, not him. It's the people. Well, you know, he's amazing. Back when there was art.

Back before the Ross Band. Back when Bravo used to play music. Back when Bravo used to play music. Back when iTunes wasn't a thing for music to be downloaded from. Yeah, now it's just like dun-dun, dun-dun, that garage band loop over and over. Yeah, exactly. Alan Lazaro knew his way around a vibraphone. Yeah, whoever's doing this is a fucking Broadway composer.

Like, some of this stuff was really good. So anyway, the first song is... Alan Menken. Best friends forever. menken best friends forever best friends forever girls girls best friends and then it would cut to the ladies like getting ready or whatever and then the lyrics would match whatever they're doing and in the funniest funniest fucking way it's like we're best friends you do you do. Fleming making dough with her hands. And I love, by the way, that song is so upbeat. I'm a best friend.

Best friends doing things. And when it comes to Fleming, she's like, Himalayan sea salt is one of life's most important ingredients. I can count on you. And then the I can count on you part then the I can count on you part is for Annabelle the music just stops dead and it's Annabelle aiming a giant rifle yeah children's book author slash rifle connoisseur

best friends forever girl I love you so much and then it cuts to Caroline Stanbury just staring at herself in the mirror and smiling like she's her best friend so good how lucky are we to Caroline Stanbury just staring at herself in the mirror and smiling like she's her best friend. So good. How lucky are we to have

music to make commentary about our Himalayan sea salt. Sometimes you need to appreciate the art and the crap and that music is it. So good. Marissa's husband trying to teach the kid not to be American. He's like, like no it is

pronounced tomato tomato best friends forever and then i wrote in all caps best opening of all time my caps lock was on for himalayan sea salt is one of life's most important ingredients i actually had to rewind because i was like wait a second did she just say something i had to rewind to catch that and I was dying. Well, you know, I put it up there. I put, like, important ingredients, probably, like, water, flour, protein, and Himalayan sea salt. None of that crappy any other sea salt.

Just Himalayan sea salt. And it's pink. Wasn't it pink? Yeah, it was pink. It's pink Himalayan sea salt. Yeah, it sounds totally natural, Flames. It's like where you need to counteract the germs you're getting into the food from the fingernail gunk that you're getting into the dough that you're making with your hands right now. How lucky are you?

How lucky are we that I have five whole bottles of Himalayan sea salt on my dining room table bookcase. So today's episode was all about shooting. Shooting. Shooting. Which I love. Which I love. Julie was organizing the shooting weekend. Yes.

She wanted, all of a sudden, she wanted to get in touch with her aristocratic roots. You know, this is the yoga, jub peddling, you know, bicycle peddling lady. And now all of a sudden she's like, I want to show everyone what it being an aristocrat's all like. Shooting began with the aristocracy and I, or the aristocracy,

and I married into it. No, no, aristocracy. I think she would say aristocracy. She probably would. That's what I learned on public broadcasting company. Aristocracy. And I married into it.

And I just put pronouncing T's too hard. Is this my headphones? And also, it's kind of like when you talk to anybody from another country and you're like, hi, do you know where the bath like they're not deaf okay and she doesn't shout at them she just pronounces her t's even harder if there's somebody english around she's like hello taylor it is us looking for something to wear to our shooting trip she's like what's that what are you doing now shooting shooting uh well i love that so she and sophie and uh juliet went uh they did go shopping for outfits and what i loved i love sophie just discussing what she'd be wearing she's like i wear jeans hunters sheepskin jacket which is brown and a tweed cap

and it wasn't even it wasn't even a punchline there i just liked listening to her list things off i also love her accent because it's a little different than everyone else's And it wasn't even a punchline there. I just liked listening to her list things off. I also love her accent because it's a little different than everyone else's. She does kind of that thing from the 50s and 60s in American TV where they pronounce things like this. But she does it in the British version. She's like, does she think it's great? Okay, you now made her fully Norwegian. I know. It's not the tone of her voice but she does something i just wrote no i know what you're saying i know it's like that arch it's that arch just arch way of talking i just what i love is that she when she

talks the implication is i'm telling you something and if you don't listen you were absolutely wrong so when she's like and i wear a sheepskin jacket which is brown so don't even think about getting anything that's not brown it has to be brown and if you don't you're just a simply simply a fool everything just sort of comes off in that way i love it and that yeah she and she's just signed they're like okay we need some british rules sophie get in here it's like like, alright, what can I do? Yeah. Well, you... That's exactly it. And then when she's talking about it and dressing up, she's like, well, it's a very civilized pursuit

and you have to look the part. And then you've got neurotic Julie on the other side. Am I gonna pull this off? Eating healthy and doing yoga doesn't fit the aggressor. Should I wear my Patagonia vest? Does Patagonia work with this? Is that what I should do?

I just don't know. I don't know. Like, hunting, it's so hard. I don't want to be defined as a lady, but I am a lady, and I want them to respect me as a lady, so, I mean,

I need to be more ladylike. What should I do to be more of a lady? I just want to generate more goodwill when I go hunting. Like, I want to have goodwill hunting. Oh, my God.

I love that movie. That's such a sign. That's crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mini Driver's British. So it's all sort of, like, thing it's like oh my god i have to sit down sometimes you take one mold and you're like i'm not that mold and then you take another

mold you're like i'm not that mold but i kind of like it so then you make the bundt cake with the funnel cake and before you know it you're a different kind of cake and everybody's eating it oh my god i made the bundt cake in the in the angel food cake mold and now everything's like all messed up things didn't cook out right oh my my god, and I burned the chocolate, hot chocolate again. I don't know how there's so many molds. And there's mold on the mold. I don't know. My kids hate me and they're probably going to get taken away from all this mold. I can't do anything

right. So she's worrying about the perfect hunting hat. Fleming and Marissa comes up because, of course, Juliet's there there she's like yeah yeah i love shooting i love shooting because that's how she's learned to say it from julie hey guys you want to go shooting isn't it fun to just like not have any drama what do you think about flaming and marissa i know well i that one. Before they even started talking about the

drama of the last night, they sort of just circle around it. Like, oh, last night was fine. Then Sophie's like, yes, bowling was hysterical. You know? That ridiculous American passed on. What a funny, stupid thing you made us do. Remember when

we gathered around and saw those bowls crash things to the ground? How American! I mean, throwing a ball on the floor and watching it roll away from you and knocking things over? I mean, it's just so stupid. What a hysterical night. Thank you so much again, Juliet, for your ridiculous jokes. Stupid and reckless enough to celebrate America. I mean, only America wants to just knock things down.

You know, like good taste and sophistication. Knock it down. You saw silly pins. I saw Middle Eastern countries being toppled for no reason. Well done, America! What a fun game that was.

You know what I see? When I see those pins, it's like, oh, look, there are nine pillars of good taste. You just go and knock them all down like a good American. It's hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. Thank you again, Julia. While wearing a terrible wig.

Could that have been more American? America. At least when we put on wigs, we put some powder in them to make them smell nice. And I just love the difference between drunk Sophie and Sophie. And every time she comes on, I'm like, someone, get this bitch a drunk. I don't care if you have to inject her with a little alcohol into her

butt cheek. Do something, because I need it. I need that in my life. And later we get a nice shot of her taking a shot and I was like, here she comes, boys! It's like, bad news, mom. Bad news, mum. We're all gonna die, mum. Alright, it's alright. Have Paulina

block the glass window, darling. Pauline, stand in front of the glass door. Put down the twigs. Someone clear the twigs. Valentina, get a poncho. Sophie, throw up on Valentina. Very good. So,

Juliet is like, oh, it's not great having peas, but, you know, maybe you want to talk about Fleming? Oh, she's going to kill Marissa, because Marissa called her a tabloid. Let's talk about it. Julie's like, what? Yeah.

This mess up my shooting? I just want the weekend to go well. And Sophie's just like, it was a lovely evening and there was no drama. The end. I know you'd like me to gossip now. My answer is no. Thank you for inviting me to the hat store. Unless you suddenly get some taste and become British, there will be

no gossip for you, you stupid American. Real I keep wanting to try and say aristocracy. Real aristocracy. Real aristocrats don't gossip with women wearing Mickey Mouse shirts. You'll never see an aristocrat

stop by a goldfish bowl and gossip with it. It's there for our amusement. Maybe if you wipe the Burger King sauce off your mouth, then I'd gossip with you. I don't know if the gossip I have for you has enough chemicals and fake ingredients for an

American to completely digest it. I don't know. Maybe you'll have to take off the fanny pack before we can have a real discussion around here. I can't talk to you with that scrunchie on your head. How about you take off the kids and then we'll talk? Julie just wants to

talk and Julia's like, well, we don't have to worry about someone getting shot, right? Like Bambi. So then, elsewhere in Chelsea, the Carolines have convened. Fleming gets flowers five minutes

before Stanbury shows up. Isn't that lucky? Like, wow, you just happened to get a six foot tall bouquet of flowers five minutes before stamper you shut up at your door get the fuck out of here that card is so from your maid who's still upstairs trying to figure out where the shoe bag is have you ever seen something more poetic than this poem. Carolyn's like, well, you know, Shakespeare was a human,

so he did poop and make a barfie pants as well. So I suppose he had his moments all over this card. Well, I like that. Caroline Stansbury is like, well, you know, I hope you don't break up next week. Bad joke. Caroline Fleming is covering up the hickey on her neck with her hair. Bad joke. Meanwhile, you know that Caroline Sandberg in her head was saying, great joke.

Great joke. Valentina, laugh at my joke. Pauline, you too. Siri, set a timer for ten minutes, and in 10 minutes, please play Pauline's Laughter. Louder. Louder. He's a bit younger than I. Stans rings right after.

What does that mean? Oh, we got similar souls. Oh, yeah. She's like, he's quite younger than I, but we've got similar souls. And what I mean by that is that we both have plantar warts on the bottom of our feet. Very similar souls. Both of our souls could use a pedicure, but neither needs them.

Do you understand? How lucky are our souls? needs them. Do you understand? How lucky are our souls. Sometimes when our souls are feeling cold, we both put on socks. It's like a soul hug. How lucky are our feet.

Have you ever considered arch support? It would be good for your soul. The kindest thing you could ever do for your soul would be to for your soul. The kindest thing you could ever do for your soul would be to make an appointment with Dr. Shaw and get some support. Or just have a maid take it off with him latency salt.

I mean, there's plenty extra. Who's going to use all that? I mean. And they cross-cut this scene with Marissa and her fucking adorable dream husband yeah who gets a husband like that bitch what did you do how did you yes you're cute and everything too marissa in your way but and you're a duck come on she sort of has like a ducky charm to her you know she does she's cute but her husband's sort of like webby from ducktales. I didn't watch DuckTales. I was like, they all look the same.

Racist. Duckist. These ducks have no originality. They're like, here's the nerdy duck. I was like, pass. I feel bad. Jenny Pham is calling from Germany right now, but I'm not going to take the call.

She should be good enough of a friend to know that you're busy on a Thursday. She should know. She should know i don't care if it's 10 42 p.m in germany we're in america she should be at american time um marissa tails oh yeah so that we're cutting between marissa and her fucking perfect husband yeah and um he's just laughing she's like honey i put my foot in there. I mean, I guess I said something dumb. Oh, you silly, silly American wife. And meanwhile, I love that when they cut back to the Carolines,

now they're sitting on Caroline Fleming's bed. Caroline Sandsbury is sipping soup out of the world's most shallow bowl. It looks like a saucer. It looks like there's a little puddle of soup with this tiny little spoon. Of course, Caroline Fleming would have the most whimsical soup set available. And then Caroline Fleming is being whimsical

and twee in her own way, sucking on a lollipop with a bunny bucket full of lollipops at her foot on the bed. The most important thing you can do, the kindest thing you can do, is find an adorable bucket, fill it full of lollipops, and serve it to your friend while she eats her little,

her tiny portion of soup. So good. And she's wearing, Caroline Stanbury is wearing a very high collar, like buttoned up collar. So she's like, you know, the opening of Cheers. Back in the day. And then the other Caroline has, like, the bucket of lollipops and, like, reading glasses or something. And her PJs.

I'm like, nothing says girl, you know, girl power. power like soup in bed with a high collar watching a grown woman try and pretend that lollipops are like not charming a charming callback to uh to childhood um well so so we were as you were saying we were cutting back and forth uh between marissa and the carolines and what we found out was you know marissa's retelling the story she's like well i'm you know i i may have said that i thought that she was a child molester as a cool girl uh and then uh and matt is her i think her new husband's name is matt and he's like oh silly marissa and uh and it gets worse and worse. She's like, yeah, well, I said I didn't want her to ever come to our home. He's like, why, darling? Because we have little boys and she'd molest them.

And he's like, oh, oh, like laughing less and less. It was so good. Yeah. And then meanwhile, over at Caroline's place, you know, know, the thing I love about Caroline Fleming is that, and we mentioned this last week, for all her whimsical perspectives on things and the fact that she loves hugging people's souls and pink Himalayan sea salt, she's a damn right bitch.

Because she's like, that doesn't make her that appealing to me i must say i was like oh what a nasty way to put down marissa i love it we got a lovely overview of fleming today i mean it came out today normally people hold that in and today we really saw the spoiled little fucking boarding school fucker i loved it i loved every second of it and what i'm on her side i was gonna say later later oh they're all ridiculous but you know i'm on her side too but she well we'll get to that when we get to the fight none why blow our load well it's just a love blow well so we get so we get the first um inkling of the fight because as Marissa Trust is very important in a relationship. It's like

if you don't have trust it's like adding non-pink non-Himalayan sea salt into the wound. In the pot that is the dinner of life without trust you've only got a bucket full of Himalayan pink sea salt. It's just like that

terrible crappy American rock salt that you use to make vanilla ice cream. So as Marissa's telling the story to Matt, we learn a new facet, which is that she's like, well, I guess that maybe my anger was misdirected at Marissa, at Caroline, because who I was really angry at is her boyfriend because we were all hanging out and he pushed me out of a limo and we're like what yeah he got annoyed with her i

guess and uh pushed her out of the limo and or the cab and then drove away without her and we saw a clip of it happening yeah at some point we saw kind of like a very disorganized clip where they're all hanging out you see caroline like all right well it's how lucky am i that i get to leave this party now i'm gonna leave and she leaves and then marissa leaves and then all of a sudden she gets a cell phone with the ringer like don't don't donkey don't but donkey don't oh hello darling. Like a youthful, then. And then we just see the car drive away. And Marissa says something. But nothing damning either way, I would say.

Right? It was too fast. And I was too, I was like, you are not slow-moing that, you queen. No, you're not going to do it. Move on. But yeah, she's like, ah, and then they threw me out. And then I was left on the street. Like a Coleman peasant. And yeah, so's like, ah, and then they like threw me out, and then I was left on the street like a common peasant.

And yeah, so she was upset. And then it turns out that she's, maybe we knew this already, but I forget things. She is best, well, friends, because she kept stopping herself from saying best friends. So she's friends with Matt's, she's friends with her husband's brother's wife. So the husband and the brother – no, wait. The husband is – Yeah. Her husband is best friends with – Her husband is best friends with Caroline Fleming's brother-in-law,

a.k.a. the man who married Caroline's sister. So as a result, Marissa has become friends with Caroline's sister, and the degree of their friendship was changing over the course of the episode. Sometimes they were really close, sometimes they were just friends, but... Their husbands are besties, so they take trips together, basically. And they're like, hi, how are you?

Lovely, darling, wonderful to see you. Oh, you too! Yeah. That's, you know, friends. I mean, that counts. And, um, see you oh you too yeah that's friend you know friends i mean right and um and so but what we learned later in the episode is that is that um caroline fleming does not necessarily have a tight relationship with her sister so anyway but the point is this we learned that there was more to those snarky remarks that we saw last week last Last week we just thought they were just stupid little comments. But now we learned that they were actually passive aggressive because she was mad at the boyfriend for kicking her out of the cab.

And also she has, she knows, she knows that she's friends with this sister who thinks that Fleming's kind of a bitch. And so, of course she thinks, she knows the true Fleming. Like she knows all the shit. All the stuff that we're seeing, this pink Himalayan, blah-de-blah. Marissa knows the really thick eye makeup, Drew Barrymore, the child Hollywood party ready to cut somebody when she's on coke. She knows that chick, you know. She knows that chick, you know? So she's, of course, when she goes after her for the whole cougar stuff and is making fun of her relentlessly,

she's actually giving shit to somebody on purpose that she knows because she kind of doesn't like her. So she was being catty. So Marissa, like, coming back and pretending it's because she got kicked out of a cab, well, this bitch probably has never liked you in the first place, and of course she's going to kick you out of the cab. But Marissa's stuck in a hard place because marissa's the biggest social climber maybe next to juliet it's hard to say who's bigger and uh she's still closer with the ones that are

not cut off you see or not true but either way though but either way caroline still has a higher station in life than marissa and so she is trying to juggle probably the information that she knows with her ceaseless desire to ascend the London social scene. Yeah. And so now she's in a pickle. That's why she's like, oh, like, well, maybe I should apologize. And apparently she said that she did call to apologize, but it wasn't really settled. Because of course it wouldn't be settled because she immediately called and talked shit

with the sister who then told the parents who then called yeah so good like how old are you bitches it's still like you told mommy and daddy now I've got trouble with mommy and daddy you're not cool so then

then we go to the country. I love it. I love it. Yeah, the country. We're driving in the country. Julie and Annabelle in a car. What I loved is, like, you know, as they pulled up to this stately estate, Annabelle must have just been having a total wet dream. Annabelle must have just been having a total wet dream.

You know, it's like old, you know, old portraits of old men and hunting dogs and springer spaniels and people dressed in dark green earth colors. She's like, rock and roll. You know, she fucked her first dude behind a tree at that estate. They were friends when they were teenagers. So, you know, they party. She's like, yeah, I'm friends with her husband. He's a good lad. I'm like, yeah, I'll bet he is. It's like I've still got part of his DNA inside me, according to science.

I mean, I feel what he's feeling sometimes. He's calling me. Gotta go. Behind the bush. I'm going through the maze. Well, what I loved is there was like an extended scene of Julie not being able to figure out how to turn off her car. She's like, wait, no. Do I turn it off now?

I don't want to ignition, but it's still powering down. i wait no oh no i don't i forgot my wallet and that's when i realized we're running without ruining the environment i don't want to turn it off for the valet guy that would be rude but a lady would do that but i'm not that kind of lady what mold do i use you know what i realized because we were talking about this movie just the other day she's essentially Lily Tomlin from Big Business City Lily Tomlin you know like remember Rose she's the she's City Rose you remember when she has to uh in the beginning of the movie she's like at like a like a little meeting and she's like she's like I don't know I I like this company I just I just feel like you know the people whatever and then's like she's like i don't know i i like this company i just i just feel like you know the people whatever and then her like shoulder pad falls down to her elbow like that

is what would happen to julie i'm surprised she was not to not have shoulder pads in and i'm surprised one of them did not fall out while she was speaking to her investors last week you know with like a bran muffin in her teeth yes and caroline sandberry is totally bet middler that is such a perfect way to put her She's totally like Get that bran muffin This is how we come to the office You look like a blood clock

Oh I love my wallet Are you up in your room Walking through a field of eclairs Now Look at that man playing the bongo things on the street Oh that's amazing never seen anything like this would you like to come play in a state while people eat sandwiches well i feel like sadie rackliff is probably juliette right because i feel like i feel like i can imagine juliette

like pumping milk from a cow at a country fair but wanting something better for herself and she's yeah because the other option would probably be Marissa, but Marissa's got too much of an edge to her. Julia's got that, like, dumb innocence. Like, the city! Wow! London! Whoa! Exactly!

There's a building here shaped like an egg! Whoa! Yeah. Because Marissa would never sing along with a steel drum band on the street, but Marissa would be like, It's like Chicago. It's like Thanksgiving. It's like home. We used to yodel at home.

We'd bring in a homeless street bongo player, too. Oh, I'm going to undo my pants. Oh, yeah. So does that make Annabelle City Rose? I mean, Country Rose? No, Annabelle didn't one of them. Wasn't one of them sleeping with somebody? Bette Midler was like having an affair with that rich, swell guy.

No, you know who Annabelle is? Like Annabelle. Annabelle is the short gay guy who wears the kimono to bed. Oh, God. Wasn't that like B.D. Wong? Or is that just every short gay guy in every movie now because i cannot unburn him from my brain no it's not bd wong because you know edward herman was the tall gay guy and then he had his buddy and there was a scene where a rune shows up by their door to

sleep over oh my god how many wet dreams did you have about rune back in the day rune was so sexy so sexy oh my goodness no i i don't. No, I don't... We have to... I can't remember who else is on this show, but maybe Caroline... No, Caroline Fleming is... Caroline Fleming would be the Italian. I don't remember the Italian. Who's that?

That's the one that Bette Midler has the affair with. Jack. Oh, yeah. I went to Yale with Jack. Jack. Oh, God. Big business.

I love you. Oh, by the way, since I mentioned B.D. Wong and he has so much to Yale with Jack. Jack. Oh, God. Big business. I love you. This is so good. Oh, by the way, since I mentioned B.D. Wong and he has so much to do with Bravo because they both start with B's. B.D. Wong, like, he's in everything. And this is how he acts in every single role. He's like, hello, here is the information I need to get across in this scene. It's like when people make those YouTube videos and they put their voices through those, typing processors or like it's reading what you're typing that's him in every episode and he's in that show um that newer show about the hackers and stuff and in that he's a transsexual

mob boss or something and he's like even in that he's like, the transsexual version of that voice. He's like, here is what we need to do to end the world. I'm like, oh, BD Wong. Clear him. Clear him. Clear. I just like that they brought him back for Jurassic World. Valentina, dinosaur, left. Of course.

Because they're like, who can get aside concise information in the most understandable way who is basically going to talk to us like siri and they're like yeah they're like yeah bring him in he's like we took dna from 10 different dinosaurs including raptors and put them in here bye i'm leaving on a helicopter bye which is exactly what he did Spoiler alert He left on a helicopter You will never fucking let Jurassic Park World go That movie affected you Like one of the first movies you've ever seen In your life It was not a great movie but it's certainly fun to talk about

Listen, alright, if you're listening to this podcast Here's what you can expect Many references to Soap Dish, Big Business And any Jurassic Park World Anything that I can cram in there. All right? It's going to happen every single week. Just get used to it.

All right? Valentina. Welcome BD to the mix. Valentina, lock down the velociraptors. Pauline, get in the cage. Rainier, lower Pauline into the velociraptor. Someone start lowering the cage door so we think she's going to die. All right.

Well done. Well done. All right. Amber, get out from under the dinosaur's foot Who's killed Amber Rainier now you say the Velociraptor's a train And they're gonna work with us Let's put this to the test Pauline stand in front of the Velociraptor Stare it in the face

Stare Be the dominant one Pauline Valentina Velociraptor's taking Pauline oh Valentina bad news mum velociraptors taking Pauline's waddle bad news mum all that's left is Pauline's poncho oh great this is

you know if we can't if we can't control the velociraptors, how are we supposed to keep the gift library in business? I mean, come on now. Amber, help Rainier shove Pauline into that giant escape bowl, darling. Pauline. All right, Valentina, call Pauline and read the instructions on how to work said bowl.

Has anyone seen my children? Did the nannies put them in the bowl also? Okay. I'm sure they'll get back, alright. Oh, here we are back at the welcome desk of Mapperton. Mapperton, for the shooting. They're not in Mapperton. I think

they were somewhere else. Were they in Mapperton? I think they were somewhere else. Oh, I thought they were at Mapperton. No, no, no. They have the same at the end, don't they? I thought it was like Mapperton at night. She's like, oh my god, were at mapperton no no no no no i don't know same at the end don't they i thought it was like mapperton at night she's like oh my god look at all these lights oh the world it's so hot in the world we're not helping mapperton sandwiches in the dark my new business is that lady like oh sandwiches in the dark i serve my sandwiches at night so I can, so I can. Raise money for Mapperton all day.

Annabelle was so funny describing Julie. She's like, I love Jules, but she's a mess. She's always panicked for someone who talks about breathing all the time. She never does. Yeah, you know who else doesn't? Everybody else who talks about fucking yoga all the time she never does yeah you know who else doesn't everybody else who talks about fucking yoga all the time they're the most stressed out people in the world anyone who meditates every day is a fucking they'll scream at you at the drop of a hat yeah they're barely holding on darling yeah no uh i it made me once again think back to season one when julie was

presented as this woman who was someone that they were all kind of aspiring to be friends with because she was you know married to the future earl of sandwich all that stuff like she just julie season one was like the caroline fleming you know she was on a different a different different wavelength but now she's just like the frazzled mom who came in from the cold yeah she was just quiet in the firstled mom who came in from the cold. Yeah, she was just quiet in the first season. They didn't show her as much. It's like next year, if they have one, please give them another year, guys.

I mean, the music alone. But next year, we're going to get to see the same thing with Sophie, because you know she'll be a reg next year. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I hope she is. And if they're true Bravo people, they'll also bring on the sister of Fleming. Yeah, that would be good. See, this year Sophie's all like, I wear caps

that are brown. And the next year she'll come on and she'll be like, oh, governor! Let's get on, all right now! She'll be like, if that Marissa says one more thing to me, I'll break that cut fitness' neck right in two like a goddamn duck I found on the ground and fed to a dog.

All right, give us a kiss now. I'm going to and fed to a dog. All right. Give us a kiss now. I'm going to go see my friend Nathan. All right now. Goodbye. That's a bitch flower. I cannot wait. That's a drunk bitch flower. Excuse me.

That bitch flower, it never was not in bloom. It's just more like it's just going to keep on spreading. It's just we think it's like looking at it's like when you get flowers from the floor. It's like, oh, these flowers are so nice. Like, oh, wait till you put them in water. Then they'll really open up. That's what's going to happen. It's like the vines that grow on the side of my apartment.

You know, like those things that cover the walls. It's like, oh, there's a pretty little bitch vine. And before you know it, it's swallowing the apartment. They're like, your apartment is disintegrating because the bitch vine and it'll be sophie the whole time like goodbye walls die american walls uh future sophie can't wait so speaking of bitch flowers so everyone's there to go hunting and caroline's the only one who does not want to go hunting because she says she's got a lot on her mind with this or whatever. She's like, but I will swallow it.

Pauline, come here, swallow it. Swallow the hunting excursion. Swallow it. Pauline, please give me the strength to be pampered and sleep in duvet with my hot husband after getting out of a limo and putting on Chanel boots. It's like, what the hell? She's like, I simply am not in the correct frame of mind to have a good time.

I'm worried about the gift library. All right, clip, clip the toenail. It is so difficult. Move fan, fan move, fan adjust. Very difficult. Bad news, mum. Pauline sat on the emery board. Won't have smooth nails this weekend.

I cannot bear to think about that right now. Emery board bleeding. When the gift library is going to close. Thank you, darling. Is this baby brain cooked or is it raw? I want it raw. Kill another baby. Oh, my God.

Were you acting? She's acting like she's. it's so difficult to be in this position that's what i love girl ain't nobody buying that pauline start the car i have to be ready to leave it at a moment's notice because it's so terrible here so um the stress of the poor people are so the stress of the poor people out of work is killing me darling please fluff the duvet you moron the duvy as we should be calling them

bad news man Valentina got stuck in the duvet can't get out she looks like a giant potato sack just chuck her into the Thames I would never pass at boarding school well what I loved is good trans-ish That Caroline Fleming when she's shown her room

She's like has someone been lying in my bed Like she's one of the three bears And to be fair Her bed was kind of messy For like a hotel Probably some fucking PA Like when's that bitch gonna get here I've been sitting here with a fucking scene clacker, whatever they call those things.

And then she's like a slate. And then she tries to smooth it over by fixing the bed. And she's like, well, I used to go to boarding school and we had to make our beds. Also, I'm a baroness and my bed should always be made for me. Thank you. How lucky are you to learn about how to make a bed for someone like me? There's never a reason to not

help the people. Today, for example, I helped a man, a hotel worker, possibly with dreams, to learn how to make the perfect bed. He's welcome. How lucky is he?

On her comment card, she's just going to write, how lucky were you, hotel? Give a man a bed his sleep at night. Teach a man to make a bed, he will be lucky enough to make a bed. I'll sleep at night.

Teach a man to make a bed. Off to make a bed. Teach a man to make pesto. No, yours was much better. This should help our marriage. Oh, the husbands on this show, pretty exemplary. Now, is that because it's easier to be married there? Or are the men better at faking it because it's a more polite society? Like, do they all have hooker juice on their face in real life, but they're just pretending? I mean, I wonder, because they always are going on trips abroad.

It's like, well, Gregor has to go back to Sweden. Well, Gregor has to go to Istanbul. Well, Sam has to go here. You know, it's like everyone's... He sure comes back happy, though. Yay, Istanbul. Look, honey, I bought a t-shirt that says, oh, I love you. He sure comes back happy though Yay Istanbul Look honey I bought a t-shirt that says Oh I love you

I got a t-shirt that says Istanbul you don't blow Because you love it so much That's contrary darling It actually does Poor things I hope they're not all getting cheated on But from what we can see What lovely marriages

Makes me believe in the institution. Well, then everyone gathered to have some sort of dinner. Sort of a casual dinner. And Marissa and Caroline Fleming were at different areas of the room. And it was great because we kept on getting Caroline Fleming shooting the nastiest, most evil, bitchy, baroness looks. Now, this is Fleming in Drew Barrymore child star drug addict mode, okay? Everybody remembers the time where they were like, oh, my God, Drew Barrymore is going to die. She's always on drugs, and she's kind of a little bitch.

And every picture you see of her, she's like goth and has really thick eye makeup. Ooh, girl, like eyeliner. This was full-on murder mystery act one. This is like when we meet all the characters and then when we find Marissa's body, it's like, who would have killed Marissa? And then cut to Baroness Fleming in the corner shooting nasty looks.

Yes. And what made it even more teenager-y is that she was texting while they shot her doing it. So she's giving this dirty teenager look to Marissa while she's texting. And I was like, this is the spoiled teenage bitch with an attitude problem that was, like, forced to go to boarding school and embarrasses her family. This is who I want on the show. You gloom, crazy bitch Drew Barrymore flower. So then, meanwhile, Marissaissa's continuing Her like, her quiet

Campaign against Caroline Fleming Because she's then talking to Annabelle And to Julie about how Well I apologize to her But you know, I guess it just wasn't like accepted But you know, the thing is, I guess my rage was meant more For her boyfriend instead, because her boyfriend Kicked me out of a cab, and that's just like not cool

Yeah And then somehow or another, they start mentioning MILF a cab and that's just like not cool yeah and then somehow or another they start mentioning milfs and annabelle annabelle did tell her though she was like well i got a call about it it wasn't good she's like really what was it what happened like um am i kicked out of anywhere she's like well i didn't know you to be that kind of immature moron of a person. I thought of you as more of a person who would actually give a crap about someone else's feelings and not their own narcissistic desires to float to the top of an already polluted pool like a piece of newspaper left in last summer. She's like, oh, thanks.

Thanks for the advice, Annabelle. So good. And I have to also mention, because I'm in love with the music from the entire episode, I have to say, it was consistent. At the beginning of this party, it showed a montage of all the girls getting ready for the party. It was one of those, you know, girl power.

But the music was this like orchestral ballet. Blink, blink, blink. And it was so beautiful and hilarious. And then they switched to like girl power. Girls having fun. Girls high-fiving like men. And then everyone's like, hi. And they're all kissing when they see each other in the room.

Everyone's like having fun. And everyone's smiling and and kissing and laughing and then the song stops and it goes and then it's like close-up of marissa's face falling into a frown i was like this show is ridiculous and i love every second i know so then so then they mentioned milf and julie doesn't know what a milf is she's like what's a milf what. She's like, what's a MILF? What's a MILF? Like, what's a MILF? What's that? Like, mom, I'd like to. She's like, to what?

To what? French friend? Friend? Mom, I'd like to friend? French fries. I tried to make those in the oven once. It almost killed my kids. One of them was actually stabbed in the stomach.

It was so crazy. I'm a terrible mother. Fool? Is it fool? Like, mom, I'd like to fool? Like, practical joke? Like, that's. It was so crazy. I'm a terrible mother. Fool? Is it fool? Like, mom, I like to fool. Like, practical joke. Like, that's fun. That's fun.

I like that. Like, yeah, let's have a joke on mom. Yeah. I'm like, Julie, Julie, you're not that much older than we are. Okay? We all are from the same. We all came of age with American Pie. Okay?

You know what MILF means. MILF! Did you just have a typo? Did you mean milk? Did you have a personal typo? Julia's like, no, but one time I had a picture that said, got MILF? And then, like, I put it on Facebook, and I said, if you don't repost this, then you'll have bad luck for ten years. So then, for some reason

I have this this down the gay guy Caroline's gay buddy has the same arm length as Annabelle which which caused Sophie to be

that's weird she was like she like could not she could not accept that at all she's just totally disdainful no one should have the same arm

as a lady no one has taught you the same arm as a lady. No one has taught you the proper arm protocol. Typical. Well, you've taken aristocratic traditions and you've bowled over them. Congratulations, America. You've ruined another aristocracy. So Annabelle's got some... Wait, hold on.

Oh, Annabelle tries to get Caroline out of bed. Are we... The next morning yet? Okay, so next morning, Caroline's in her plush hotel robe with her hot husband being like, Okay, I've left a billion dollars for you under the pillow. I love you, my darling.

Smile, smile. And she's, Carolyn's like, I don't care which way the fucking pheasants fly. I'm going to the spa. Valentina, shoot the pheasants. Pauline, take me to the spa. I can't be around all these rich people when the gift library is in trouble. I need to be around poor people. Book me an appointment

at the spa. Have some poor people rub me. Bad news, mum. There's a pheasant in the spa. You're going to have to face it. Oh, Jesus. There are pheasants everywhere. I don't want this. Well, don't shoot it for Christ's sake. The gift library. Okay. Arise, mates. I'm not going to go hunting. I'm going

to be bored to tears. Literally bored to tears. I will be crying. Valentina. Valentina, tissues. I just wrote, I can't feel sorry for a lady in a duvet with a hot husband and a plush robe and pretend messy hair.

I'm like, shut up, get out of here. I don't feel bad for you. Now, the people at the gift library maybe cut back and see Pauline cutting herself with some paper clips or something and I'll be in. But I can't invest in this, Caroline. Get over it.

But don't you understand? She'll be literally bored to tears. Bored to tears. Literally. And if I've got no tears in me, I'll keep cutting Pauline. She'll flow them. Bad news, Mum.

Pauline's dehydrated. Can't do another tear. All right. Get her a camelback and give her some water and get her crying again. Alright. Tell me when she's ready. Well, we had to take out the water fountains in the gift library.

It's just a fact of life now. Dun, dun, dun. Pauline, go down to the garden hose, fill up the bucket of water and feed it to Pauline. Alright, thank you. Valentina, do that. Marissa, we love glamorous lives in London. It's a fact.

So shooting is a fact. Yeah, she's like shooting. And then Juliet, who can't even eat a fucking something that's not in the shape of a McDonald's. It's like. What I was going to say about, I love that when Marissa says that we do live glamorous lives. It's a fact. So it's nice to get out into the countryside and do something that's not glamorous. I'm like, do you see what you're wearing?

Do you see where you're staying? You're doing something that's actually more glamorous than your daily life. You are increasing your glamour. So shut up. There's like no pavement on the road, Ben. And then she's like i love going shooting part of the reason is because i just love the clothes i just love shooting she's like the other reason is i get to do rampant social climbing that's just the best part oh maria uh and juliette's

are we gonna die we're shooting where are their bumps on this road they go to uh then it julie's thoughts everyone's shots on the shooting so here's where it got super interesting because julie is actually saying two different things she's saying shooting as an american and she says shooting when she's discussing the actual sport part so she's like, well, shooting is against my principles because I'm American. You know, like schools get shut up. I'm like, that's terrible. Also, I'm a vegetarian. But like shooting.

I mean, I can't just stop the entire, you know, the entire family from shooting. That's tradition. You don't just keep the tea in there. I liked when she said, I'm not going to be the American that says you have to you have to shoot everything down because uh because you married a vegetarian i like that she said that because i don't think anyone ever thinks like that everyone's like well okay well i'm a vegetarian so you have to stop this whole operation sorry you can't do this no no sorry we're not even vegetarian just anything it's not but i'm not picking on vegetarians it's like oh my god, how refreshing that someone is open to realizing that, you know, like considerate of others. Like what a shocking idea.

Yeah, but you can't also just go change like the entire tradition of everything. Because without all those rules of the aristocracy, without all those rules and traditions, there wouldn't really be an aristocracy. Because people would be like, wait a second, where are we giving so much money to a bunch of people who don't do dick to live in giant houses? Yeah. You don't want to revolt, darling. Stick to the rules.

But also, it's my... It just reminds me of people who move into a neighborhood. You know what I hate? It's when people move into a neighborhood, and then they're like, keep it down, or something like that. Then they make a whole different change. You know, i hate is when people move into a neighborhood and then they're like keep it down or something like that they they make a little bit of a change you know like yes back when i used to live in west hollywood i lived right behind the standard hotel and the standard hotel wanted to stay open their their pool till 2 a.m they would close down at

midnight and um i wanted them to stay up until 2 a.m because i wanted to go up to that pool and like have drinks until 2 a.m like right next door how nice and i went to um they had a hearing in west hollywood and i was bored i went i don't know why i've never gone to a hearing before and i went and i was like yeah i live next door i never hear anything um yeah no problem i think you should keep it open and then all these neighbors were like no i just bought a condo there and i can't even keep my blinds open because they can see all the way up into my fourth floor condo and it's just not fair. They should not be able to stay open. I was like, you fucking

idiots. And there was one woman who went, she's like, I used to live behind the Mondrian Hotel and it was so loud so I moved over here and now they're allowed to and no, they should not be allowed to stay open to two. I'm like, lady, you moved from behind one hotel to another hotel that's your fault so I have like

this it's like moving to the middle of a mall and then complaining about the smell of a Cinnabon like you moved into a mall you fucking moron that's exactly so when Juliet sorry when Julie says I'm a vegetarian but I'm not going to be the one that's like hey you have to change all

this because you married me I'm like oh that's I'm not going to be the one that's like, hey, you have to change all this because of because you married me. I'm like, oh, that's so refreshing to think of someone who's like considerate of like the context of a situation. Well, it's also very British. Yes. If this was America, I don't know that it would definitely be the same thing. Well, and she also knows that if she tried to if she tried to if she tried to like buck the trend uh i'd be like see you later hey well look at america actually that did happen in america because uh michelle obama was like okay everybody let's eat healthy let me teach you about organic food organic food school kids and they

were like fuck you like fat people hate her like they're still going crazy like you know i mean i am one i don't hate her. But everyone's still going crazy. They're like, how dare she try and make us healthy? What a bitch. Yeah. I mean, there are lines. There are lines between principal things that are good for people and things where it's just like, you know what? Everyone take a seat.

So anyway, along those lines, they're hunting. Oh, the politics of shooting. Yeah, they're hunting. And Juliet, of course, is doing this thing like, oh, no, oh, no, the Baron's getting killed or whatever. And then my favorite part was that at one point, like, one of the dogs brings a pheasant out. It's like, it's dragging the pheasant. And Juliet's like, oh, no, the dog's holding the pheasant by the neck like that. Do you see that?

It's holding it by the neck. And then Sophie's like, but it's dead, Juliet. It doesn't feel any pain. Shut up. Oh, God, she's such an idiot. Didn't you realize it doesn't matter where the dog grabs it, you stupid American? I mean, no wonder why you guys created bowling.

Why would you have a problem with shooting it but not the dog dragging it, you fucking moron? It's dead, Julieton it's dead Juliet it's dead let it go RIP dog the end moving on Juliet Marissa wants to be like accepted

like in the royal society like the Beckhams like uh yeah I mean they're rich as hell but uh I think you're still looking at this through an American lens. Yeah, and the Beckhams are pretty much the top of the line here.

One time, I got my hair cut like Posh Spice because they're like on the top. She wants to fit in. She wants to be like Simon Cowell, okay? Like, at the top. Simon Cowell and Leona Lewis, all right?

You're not going to be Simon Cowell and Leona Lewis. And then you've got Annabelle, perfect rock and roll shot. She's like, oh, take that fucking bird. She just, like, aims up, boom, bird down. And Marissa's, Annabelle is amazing when it comes to shooting things. It's like watching an artist do its art. Like Dexter, because it's like shooting art. It's like watching that guy who does the paintings of whales, but with shooting.

It's like high art. It's like his paintbrush is murder. So then after they're done shooting and everything, I love that Sophie, her first priority is getting some booze. She's like, at 11 Z's, you have a shot of vodka.

All right, go get it, girl. And then Annabelle, she decides she's going to go home and I love she just takes two pheasants and straps them over her shoulder like it's some just a casual bag like a tennis bag which just has pheasants just goes walking off with them

like wipe my mouth rock and roll you know she's toasting that shit over like a little sterno flame with her weird friend Leem up in the room. Like, except for the fact that way, except for the fact that except for the fact that Liam totally,

uh, overstayed his welcome by hanging out at the pub with the women making nasty jokes and like, Oh, how many, how many bears did you shoot? That's how many shots we've got to take. And she was like,

one thing you never do. You never, ever, ever, ever do is say how many birds you shoot. Never. Please stop asking me that.

Please, please. I was like, well, here, what we do is we say how many birds did you shoot? And then you say 10. And I say two. And then you say I'm better. And I say you're still a pussy. And then we grab each other in the nuts.

And then we laugh really hard. And then tomorrow we sober up and pretend to forget about it. She's like, no! No! Murder! Murder! Shut up over there. But Liam's also that creepy drunk guy who's like, open bar?

I'm there! Because they didn't pay for shit at that bar. Yeah. So he's like, I'll be here until the sun rises in a week. Yeah. And then meanwhile, he's like, I'll be right back. Going to get another drink from the bar. I'll be right back.

I just get an Australian accent. He goes away. They're like, I think it's time to leave. Bye, bye, bye. And they just get out of there. Hello, love. Liam's at the bar still. Run.

Run. Oh, ladies. I didn't get to punch in the notes yet he's like one of those ex-model guys because he's very cute like when they show him up close i'm like whoa he probably was like really yeah like handsome he probably was a handsome party guy from the model who's always doing everyone else's coke and not bringing his own but he's so cute that you're hoping he'll get like coked up enough one night to do you you know what i mean he's like that guy i was like oh liam liam he's been there lock the liquor cabinet liam's in the house i feel like you know our friend angie not the one on this podcast but our other friend angie i feel like angie's probably friends with him don't you get that sense um yes actually

yeah that's a good call I bet she totally is friends with him oh my god Liam just does she have a lot of crazy friends now I'm like oh tell me all the gossip on the podcast no just no because Angie used to live in England and she is like friends with

the guy from Eurythmics and various other British people. Oh, I didn't even know all that stuff. Yeah, she was like friends with David Bowie and stuff like that from the 80s. I thought you were saying like, wouldn't she be friends with like the drunk guy who's... No, no, I'm saying it because I can totally see her...

Really? Is she? Am I that friend? Is that why you're saying that? I can totally see her having been... She's like, she's friends with all these British people from the 80s. So I can totally see her being friends with Liam these british people from the 80s so i could totally see her being friends with liam which i think that's amazing so i'll drown drown i know everything yeah so um oh shoot oh this is another sophie section where she explains life she's like

the tradition is once you shoot then you go into a club of some sort like this and you have a tiny bit of it's called lunch after you play a game okay we do it here too bitch but she's like you put some vodka in your soup just to warm you up I'm like that's actually called alcoholism but okay it's actually called my childhood and Juliet's like

I love soup in a cup mmm Sophie's like when I was a student I love soup in a cup. Yay, Prince. Sophie's like, when I was a student. I'm so stupid. When I was a student, what now? I'm sorry. It's alright.

The joke lost its momentum. It's over. I've run it over. So this was where they were getting ready and it was the princess ballet music. Anyway, it was like everybody's about to become pretty woman. It was so cute. And then, yeah, this was, I guess, when they got so stupid fight about nothing. Well, no, because what happened.

OK, OK. So what happened was they're all getting ready for dinner. And then the two Americans, Julie and Marissa, decide to take a bubble bath in their bathing suits because I could see one of them. I could see like Marissa's bathing suit through like the water. And they're taking a bubble bath. They're talking about whatever. They're just gossiping. And then Julie, Julie's saying to Marissa, like people have been saying that Caroline Fleming says if she talks to me, I'm going to let her have it.

I'm going to let her have it at dinner. So meanwhile, everyone else is waiting for these two bitches to come down for dinner. They're all wait. Everyone is totally dressed up. They get all waiting. Everyone's totally dressed up. They get into the... They're sick of waiting. They go into the dining room. Caroline stands...

Well, she's getting hangry. And she's like, well, we're just going to order. I'm not going to wait any longer for them. I'm just going to order right now. And finally, the two Americans come down. Well, first, Annabelle comes down late. Because they weren't the only late ones. Annabelle comes in.

She's like, oi, what's up oh what's up she's like oh well dinner so you know you need to come to dinner now yes yeah all right i mean she you know give me something what are we eating what everyone looks wonderful you all look amazed and then she started smiling and greeting everyone so warmly and i was like this bitch just did some drugs. Because I've never seen her like that. She's like, you all look fantastic. Classical music. It's like, oh, she's fucked up.

Get her. I mean, she was rubbing her nose the previous night at that dinner. Totally. Liam brought a pack in his butt crack. That's right. He smiled in a pheasant. Speaking of cokeheads, this was also a musical cokehead moment because when they were taking a bath right before that,

the ladies were coming down the stairs to have dinner, and it was like ballet music getting ready. So it's like dun-dun, dun-dun, and then the ladies come down the stairs. It's like dun-dun-dun-dun, and then it shows Julie in a hallway, and it's like bl was like Jesus there were five songs in this one little thing they're like we might get cancelled put all of the score in

we need something for when Julie walks down a hallway we paid for it we're gonna use it so what I love though is that finally when the Americans come come in uh marissa looks idiotic she's wearing a t-shirt that says winking or something like that which it just looks stupid like everyone's dressed very nicely and she's wearing a t-shirt like but it was like a clever t-shirt because she was it was like a quote-unquote formal t-shirt but she's trying to make a it was

just she was trying to make a fashion statement and look terrible. And of course, Caroline Sandbury just goes right in with the zinger. And she's like, I mean, I'd expect you to look a lot better for the amount of time you've taken. Which I was like, oh, so wonderful. She managed to both ding her on being late and ding her for looking ridiculous. Marissa's like, oh, I'm sorry. Marissa's probably like I certainly hope I haven't fallen apart And fallen down in London society

Because of my choices So anyway And then they show Marissa Kind of grabbing at her necklace Nervously it's like this big statement Necklace and she's kind of Her eyes are darting around and she's kind of Grasping it nervously and then Drew Barrymore's you know giving her a dirty eyeliner look oh so good i'm like eat her

drew kill her what i love about when women are mad at each other is that the most benign moment can turn into a battleground case in point for some reason caroline stanbury had uh i'm sorry keep on calling her sansberry stanbury caroline stanbury at uh i'm sorry keep on calling her stansberry stanbury caroline stanbury at one point had butter on her forehead no one knows how or why but of course since she has her gay you know lackey there he takes it off and then they and then they start making jokes about the butter and next you know someone like caroline's like well you know you know he creams me he creams me that's what that's one thing he does. And they're like, oh, creams her, creams her. And then Marissa's like, creams?

I don't think you meant creams. I think, do you know what that means, creams? I don't think you mean creams. So then Caroline Fleming is, she's like, she hates Marissa so much that she can't help herself. She goes, he comes from fashion and it is his job. His job is to put cream on people's arms. That's what people in fashion do.

And that's what he did. It is actually a job. She's like, cream on people's arms. That's what people in fashion do, and that's what he did. It is actually a job. She's like, creaming people isn't a job. And she's like, yes, actually, it is. There's an industry called fashion. I just like that everyone was laughing. Everyone was laughing. Everyone got the joke.

But Caroline Fleming was so, so angry that she just has to come and just kill the entire moment. Yeah, that was definitely her teenager. Hey teenager hey mom you're a dumb bitch and then the dad's like oh can't we just make it through one dinner oh fuck you it's her fault oh good you're right yeah fuck you oh caroline fleming teenagers honey she's probably like well actually if you knew anything about the dairy industry here in england you know that cream is a viable source of income for many families. So making jokes about it is not actually very funny. Thank you. The man who made my bed improperly once probably is related to somebody who suffers from a shortage of cream. I hope you're happy.

One of my favorite desserts is a cream pie. And I think that's not very funny. I think it's a really lovely memory from my childhood. So please stop ridiculing it thank you so Caroline Fleming is like I must use the restroom to release

some of the tension I need to take off my shoes in the restroom and just feel grounded with my feet against that fall season's floor whatever so she's like going to the bathroom and then Stanbury decides you know she's gonna stick up for her bitch so she's like going to the bathroom and then stanbury decides you know she's going to stick up for her bitch so she starts going after marissa and saying whatever like well i hope you're happy now that you've made fleming use the restroom she hasn't done that in years so

congratulations on wrecking her family life with your irresponsible tongue. Marissa's like, what? And my friend asked me if I like the boyfriend. I said, he's the douche. He pushed me out of a moving car. I almost died. We were going 70 miles per hour, which I know you don't understand because you only understand kilometers. But we were going super fast.

I could have broken my neck. And he just threw me out by gunpoint. Okay? It's your own fault for not saying. Stop! Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald a brilliant scholarship student

who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her

own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Stop, car, brakes. All right, forward. All right, brakes. app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Stop car. Brakes. Alright.

Forward. Alright. Brakes. Get thrown out of a still car next time. Learn the codes. Pauline. Pauline. Stop the car. Valentina. Stop the car. Pauline. Open your door. Okay? Now, just stay still while I kick you to the curb. Thank you.

Bye. So, Marissa is very good at the whole turning something around right and framing the other person for it yeah so now she's just announced to the entire table that she got thrown out of a moving car by the douchebag boyfriend right and then she says like and then she frames it as, well, you know, Caroline's sisters are my best friends. And when she asks,

what do you think of my sister's boyfriend? I say, he's just not my cup of tea. That's all. Just not my cup of tea. You know what it's like to be forced to drink tea

you don't like? That's very anti-British. Do you think that she should have told the sister that the guy was not her cup of tea? Yeah. I actually think it's okay i airline's like fleming is an idiot on this fight because

first of all this whole fight comes out now where caroline stanbury says well congratulations even though you even though you were thrown out of a moving call that does not give you the right to ruin a family because now she's saying oh now fleming's in trouble with her parents for dating this 30 year old because now the sister said that she's dating some abusive 30 year old or whatever and that's her problem for dating you know if she's gonna rebel and date a fucking 30 year old who's throwing people out of cabs then that's her right to do it if she wants to but don't be a pussy when it comes to mommy and daddy like get out of here well the other thing is marissa should have been smart in the sense that

when things get told to family it almost always gets back to people so for instance here's a here's a fun story like back in 2003 i had a friend i was friends with this guy and then his brother moved here and then we all became friends, whatever. And the brother was interested in this girl that he worked with and he liked this girl. But she was married but then he was saying, well, but they're going to get divorced and da-da-da-da. And I thought it was like not a good situation. I didn't think it was a smart thing because another girl was still married and whatever, et cetera, for a logical reason. I just didn't think it was good, even though they had an attraction or whatever. And so I told the brother who I was friends with, you know, first.

I was like, you know, she seems nice and everything. But, like, you know, I mean, I said, for everything I just said. And I was like, plus, she's not even that cute you know which was i was trying to kind of like say it like um she was she actually was cute but it was i was sort of saying it as a way to kind of dissuade you know like get out of the situation like right or almost or or maybe it was even like she's cute but like is it is she cute enough to, like, go down this path? You know, whatever it was. So I then, ultimately, though, they actually did wind up together.

And they actually wound up getting married. Although I don't know if they're still married. But they wound up getting married. And she's a perfect, she's really lovely. Really lovely and really sweet. And I became friends with her. And she is cute, for the record. She's actually very, very cute.

And they moved, all of them, all three of them eventually moved out of the city but i caught up with them last year this is like 10 you know 10 years later or eight years and we're hanging out and then she's like she admits to me she's like you know i i didn't like you for the longest time because you said I wasn't cute. And I'm like, I can't believe my friend told his brother that I said that she wasn't cute. And it was really awkward because it was so long ago, but it also made me feel really bad, etc. And the lesson is, it always gets back to people in the family. Don't tell one sibling one thing. Especially if you're on TV, for christ's sake i mean caroline jackknock it's this big secret she's on fucking tv like get out of here stupid but now should the

sister have gone and told the parents and then made trouble for her sister no the sister's a little bitch trying to make trouble for her sister that she hates but you know who cares she's not on the show but marissa well i mean she's allowed to call and gossip with whoever she wants to fuck that yeah so then what happens is caroline's in the bathroom and marissa goes after her to to like talk it out and caroline is wait pause i'm so sorry to pause you but i have to say that uh this is not the first man uh marissa's husband mentioned earlier in their husband wifey scene at the beginning he's like well that's not the first man. Marissa's husband mentioned earlier in their husband-wifey scene at the beginning, he's like, well, that's not the first one she's dated either. And then someone posted online

that one of her last boyfriends was 21, so this is actually old for her. Oh, wow. That's why she was so upset about being called a cougar. She's like, this is the oldest I've dated. Well, I mean, look, I heard this in a Twitter comment online someplace so who the fuck knows I'm no I'm no knowledge library but apparently it's not her first or her youngest so everybody get over

it and if you're gonna be bold enough to date a young guy then say fuck yeah I'm dating young guy who cares and stop making it like something you're hiding from your parents and yeah you know stop kicking friends out of your car because your boyfriend's too cool or like whatever well I'm still not convinced that really happened so then Marissa goes and follows Caroline to the bathroom and Caroline Fleming is like

I couldn't open the window it was locked I wanted to throw myself out of the window and it was locked I could not get out there wasn't enough Himalayan seesaw to throw myself out of the window and it was locked. I could not get out. There wasn't enough Himalayan sea salt to throw at Marissa at that moment. I did not want this conversation. I was like, then never go to the bathroom.

What kind of woman are you? When you give somebody dirty looks for an hour and then you stand up to go to the bathroom, you're saying, come to the bathroom, bitch, so I can rip you a new one. Like, why the fuck else are you going to the bathroom? You can't buy her sometimes. So they sit down on this couch and they have this best fight ever. Marissa, listen here, Hein.

She was doing this whisper talk, like this mom whisper. Listen here, Missy. I gotta fix this with you. I gotta... And then Caroline Fleming's response was that she sort of like clutches her hand

and she's like I've fallen in love with a man and he is 30 how lucky am I to have found love with someone who is older than 19

Marissa I'm fond of you. And I'm grateful to know somebody that's standing there reading a travel brochure while I'm actually on the journey that they're reading about. Must be nice for you. She's like, now listen here, missy. You need to reel it in.

She's like, Marissa, I understand we're both on separate journeys. Mine is for love and yours is for hot dogs of some sort. But I hope that somehow you can look across the deep fire that you are installing and see how important this is to me. And you will instead focus more on cleaning out the rats in the basement of your new restaurant instead of trying to take down my relationship. Thank you. Hopefully if you open your mind

and your hearts to my journey I can be the one to teach you the lesson that hot dogs are not eaten horizontally. It's not a corn on the cob. Even I know that and I'm Danish we don't have corn or cobs

so good so then her big argument was well it's gotten to my parents and again I say you're a pussy how long could your parents possibly live what are you in your late 40s come on now they're not around forever and at a certain point

they start needing you more than you need them darling at some point they're worried that you're gonna try and take away their you know lawyers right what do you call power of attorney take all the money and now once they hit 60 they start being nicer to their children i'm experiencing it myself and it's delicious i have to say family dynamics have improved thank you age anyway shut. Who cares about your parents? You're so ridiculous. And I get that she's royal and they have a title and they have all this stuff to uphold and she's part of an institution and blah, blah, blah.

But you can't be a rebel. It's like Annabelle. You're not a rebel, darling. You're a lady sitting on a granny couch, you know, knitting and contemplating bangs. Get out of here. Well, but I love that Marissa once again is like, well, you know, the thing is your boyfriend, he bangs get out of here well but i love that marissa once again is like well you know the thing is your boyfriend he pushed me out of a cab and then we find the other side of it which is we hear the other side with caroline fleming's like

well actually we asked you several times are you going to get in the cab and you're like well i don't know maybe maybe not i don't know maybe i don't know and uh i don't know who's in a hurry as youthful men often are i've learned he wanted to drive and he said shall i press the gas and you said i don't know and he said shall i and you said i don't know and so he did one that's it the rush of feeling the wind in your hair as you drive a certain speed is greater than the desire to find a seat for you in the car i am so sorry but i think that like so here's why i'm torn because i actually i felt like marissa's story sounded very dramatic and ridiculous like it's strange that she's held this grudge over this car thing that seems like over the top but it didn't but at the same time i also she's

such a social climber that i feel like if they were like do you want to get in she'd be like yes you know but um i actually i think the boyfriend is a douche and i think everything you're saying is right but i accept that i do think she would hold a grudge over it but i don't think it's over the car i think that she just doesn't like her. And the best way that you can see it is that Marissa really, a lot of this season, she's been kept separated from the others in a way.

She hasn't been involved in that many storylines except with Stupid Juliet, and she gets annoyed with Juliet like everybody else. But when Marissa really hates somebody, she drops all the nice person shit. When she's in her confessionals, she's like, well, you know, I really, she's great and royal or whatever. But then when she doesn't like somebody, she's an insta-bitch in those confessionals. She's like, well, you know, maybe, hopefully she can, you know, stop having sex with children or whatever.

And I'm like, whoa, okay, she's going for her. So she just doesn't like, it's like with Juliet. She said at one point in this episode, I mean, I'm confused about whoa, okay, she's going for her. So she just doesn't like, it's like with Juliet. She said at one point in this episode, I mean, I'm confused about my relationship with Juliet because we're getting along, but at the same time, she's so boring. I want to kill myself. I'm like, yeah, she's a bitch.

If she does not like somebody, she's an insta-bitch, and she doesn't care what they think, really, at the end. I think she's got more power with the sister than she does with the black sheep. Yeah, I think so. There's something end. I think she's got more power with the sister than she does with the black sheep. Yeah, I think so. There's something more than meets the eye. And what was funny is at the end, they reach a truce,

but you can see that it's not a real truce because the way Caroline accepts this apology is that she sort of clasps her hand in this very formal icy way like all right we can move on we are we are done here it wasn't like there was no sense of warmth or love like oh i'm so glad that's over it was like here i have clasped your hand to show that i have accepted your apology but i will still harbor resentment yeah she's like this is over for now because the colors in this room are blinding me

so that was basically it for ladies of london this week and um next week i'm excited because caroline stanbury calls annabelle a very grumpy woman which is yeah that's pretty much uh that's that pretty much sums it up well it's like an f word in that oh and also next week um naomi is on she's like annabelle mcqueen adored you annabelle's crying only this show she's like i know i was the one you told him to put the muck before the queen. Alexander! So, you know what's something amazing, guys? We have told you about our sponsor, Nextissue, and how it's the best

way to read all of your favorite magazines anytime, anywhere. Well, Nextissue's new name is Texture, and it has spectacular new features that make the best recording experience around or reading if you're not recording yes did you know with texture you get an all-access pass the world's best magazines or you know stories recommended daily by the texture editorial team

or and also exclusive video and audio content that enrich the stories. Yep. I actually was looking on my, uh, on my, at my text to rep and just kind of glancing through covers so that we could talk about it on this here show. Yeah. And vanity fair is vanity fair is one line says Hillary Clinton, something about president.

The other one's like Donald Trump is a loser. And then below that is Rihanna with red Ronald McDonald hair. And I was like, you know what? Vanity fair. You've summed up America. One cover. Thank you.

Yep. I actually really, um, I really like texture. Uh, they, we, they gave us like a free something or other to play with it.

And, um, I, I, I really, really like it. It's, it's nice when we have things that advertise on our podcast that we actually like and and can use like my casper mattress come back to us casper advertise with us again stop saying casper they did not give you a free mattress so

i just like them i don't know why i don't know why i keep endorsing stop every time i'm like oh he paid for that every time i get mad for you i'm like damn you paying for a mattress although you know you can attest to its brilliance anyway it's not about that the thing is uh magazines are so expensive now it's like what a book used to cost you remember it's actually like 6.99 or something that's a magazine now so f that that. And I mean, yeah. I'm buying them like that. It's like Netflix for magazines. Pay bulk! Yeah, and by the way, the amount of space and

clutter you save by not having stacks of magazines everywhere, it's wonderful. And it's right on your masturbation machine. You can go from reading, it's all right there. Thank you, Y-Pad. You know, somewhere Steve Jobs has a special place in heaven for all the wonderful downtime he's given us humans. That's right.

So right now, Texture is offering our listeners a free trial when you go to texture.com slash crappins. Think about that. You'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines, from back issues to the one on newsstands today. Try Texture for free right now. Go to texture.com slash crappins. Thanks everybody, and thank you

Texture. You know it's a good place to check your Texture app when you're killing some time on a yacht in the Caribbean. You'll have to download them first because you don't always get great internet reception out there well sometimes you get good enough reception to facetime your hot brother that's right let's get rid of my terrible australian you know i'm really actually trying to break myself of the australian thing because it's

really obnoxious because i do it in real life all the time. It's like a weed. It's like once you start doing Australian accents, they take over all the other accents. They do. I'm like, hello, neighbor. I'm like,

here's my French accent. Hello, neighbor. That was actually cockney. Today, I was talking to Bueller. This is so sad. I know these stories are so sad,

but I'm talking to my dog and I was like, hey, you said little dog down there. And I was like, you know what stories are so sad but I'm talking to my dog and I was like hey you sad little dog down there and I was like you know what, talk in your regular voice, this is stupid, you're even talking to the dog like that, so I started talking in my regular voice and I was like I don't even know what that is, I don't know what it is

and I don't like it, I don't like the sound of it, so I'll just keep a little Gina Leano in me anyway that show will be right back and we'll have an excuse to use it again. That's exciting. It's not so exciting. In the meantime, below Drek, the story about maids emptying water pans

and polishing rubber goulay furnishings for rich people. So I was eating dinner while I was watching this last night. So my first batch of notes are a little bit out of order because I was watching and then I went over to my couch and I jotted everything down that I thought was funny in the first 15 minutes. So bear with me if I get a little Pulp Fiction-y with my structure here. But the first thing that was notable about this episode is that the charter guests are hot, or at least hot to the staff. I mean, when you have six straight weeks of

some of these guests, anyone will look hot. What was funny is that all the women were all on a tizzy, and they all started getting a little extra oomph to their looks, to their hair and their makeup. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Trying to make it look pretty. Oh, yeah. Rocky ironed her crazy hair. Kate was all ready to find a rich husband. Of course, Amy's like, guys, today, no bangs. You like it? I think rich people do. What do you think, Seahorse?

Do you like this look? So they were getting all ready for the thing. Rocky and Alex P. Keaton have been having sex in the laundry room a lot. And so now they're openly flirting. And I guess they just boned last night. And so Rocky's like... I'm going to put that under the house laugh if she does. And she's like, oh, oh yeah you're so sexy baby

and then you've got the captain in the next room hearing it and he gives this face it looks like uh popeye's dad is kind of who he looks like yeah you're just giving up at this point an older popeye who just like got shit in his spinach you know what what kind of rule that's not in the rule book you're so sexy baby what chapter is that someone someone not point me towards it huh uh i have a note that says rocky hooked up with eddie and now she can iron which is basically what happened well eddie is so follow the rules and cares so much about his job that even his sperm cares about its job it's like you get a little eddie sperm and suddenly you like care more about it like him a more times, you might make second stew one day.

So the guests are coming on board, and the dad, the patriarch of this family, it's going to be his birthday, and he wants to have a white party. So Kate suggests to Leon, like, oh, how about a white chocolate cake? How about, like a, because he wants,

I guess the guy wants, like, a chocolate lava cake for his birthday. how about we make a chocolate volcano cake chef that way you won't feel bad when it's undercooked and runny and leon's like no sorry sorry kate there's no box for that can't make it if it doesn't come in a box save the box save the box and she was at the point where she called his sous chef betty crocker love it yeah he's yeah exactly he's just openly ignoring her in meetings and pretending she's not there he's like birthdays are important chef do you understand he's like new eyebrows born this morning oh i get the fuck back talk to the eyebrows bitch oh we got a glimpse of connie's arc for the episode which is that she wants to drop the anchor and spoiler alert she dropped the anchor

later on and that was it for connie it was like the most dramatic thing was like all right she's like all right she's like i've dropped this i've done this i've done this they're like and what else connie she's like hmm oh yeah let me take move this over there like wow connie you did it i wish there was an architect here or what was what was that guy hey i'm an architect hey so what who cares i'm an architect what was he an engineer what is he oh yeah don yeah yeah um anyway roommate went sorry no name welcome to my world welcome to my world so that was a very very i forgot what we were talking about. Oh, yeah, the letting down the anchor.

Hey, you ready down there to let down the anchor? Okay. I really need to be careful letting down the anchor, right there. Yeah, you need to be careful. Be careful. Okay. Did I do it right? I was like, should you press a button and the anchor falls?

And it goes, make sure it doesn't catch anything. Like, there's like a group of old people standing down there that might get hit press a button and the anchor falls and it goes make sure it doesn't catch anything like there's like a group of old people standing down there that might get hit on the head by the anchor you're in the middle of the ocean drop the fucking anchor what are you gonna hit a seal on the bottom of the get out of here stupid little mermaid meanwhile sebastian i was gonna say sebastian the crab is like under it being like i regret nothing Under the sea That's where I'll be It's like a sad song of his death He's under the sea for the rest of eternity

Under the sea Don't give up Sebastian Don't give up We'll get the anchor off No no It's too late Goodbye That's where we'll be I can't. It's too late. Goodbye.

That's where we'll be. So Rocky has been horse whispered by Alex P. Keaton's dick. Yes. That's my note. So now the people come on board and we get another tour of the boat. The tacky... I ryan gosling like oh my god because one of them looks like ryan gosling did you already say that

no uh i was i was gonna get to that but um uh he he does and in fact i of course like megan k edmonds i went onto his facebook page and he has pictures of himself like with not with ryan gosling like he's doing like comparisons with ryan gosling he also has has pictures of himself like with not with Ryan Gosling like he's doing like comparisons with Ryan Gosling he also has a picture of himself appearing on the Real Housewives of Orange County so this guy is like a little bit of a bravadoer he's like I've got a popped collar for every situation yeah

so then they all go on a tour of the boat which gave us another opportunity to look at the cheesy 80s 90s decorations the ghost of Robert Goulet just pinched fake Ryan Gosling's ass. Yeah. This time, uh,

the thing that I really, uh, homed in on was, uh, the, the, the doors on this boat all have like glass. It's like,

I don't know what you call it. Remember I told you the tree door, it's the Heather tree door. Oh, now I get it. The bamboo tree doors, but they look like bones. They look like,

they look like skeletal bones. So does heather it's a full circle as you come back on bravo but then also i also was looking at this the crappy art that's like wall art that's above the indoor dining room table just how shitty it looks it's like it looks like a museum what is it it looks like a museum that was built in the 80s and is in need of a revamp. In the 80s, it was this really modern, cool look. In fact, not even a museum. It looks like a cafeteria in the 80s. It's cafeteria art.

It's like color blocking flowers. I'm sorry. I've still got pop collar in my head. Pop collar gosling. I didn't live. I'm just writing random but let me oh go ahead go ahead go ahead you'll carry it no i was just gonna say i was just gonna make a general note which was that um it's funny because in the beginning of the episode it seemed like everything there was like no drama like everything was like a big to do you know and so it just seemed like this episode would have nothing going on and in the second half the tension between um kate and

leon was so hilariously passive-aggressive and aggressive that uh i immediately revoked the comment that nothing was going on because i was like in the beginning it was the big news was like oh no the shark trip had to be canceled and And Captain Lee's like, I have to tell them that the shark trip was canceled. And they're like, oh, no. And then the primary has never had a birthday cake. It's like, oh, no. Cake! Leon!

Danger! Baking! This episode really did get good through most of it. The dynamics of the people are getting hilarious as we get to know them yeah emile is such an idiot and he's so like lovable in a way i guess because he's so stupid and he's like hot but not hot enough like he's not as hot as he thinks he is and no one's taught him how to ever speak about anything ever and he's like well the guests on this chart are hot but you know i don't get jealous because I'm confident that I'm hot. It's like, oh, God.

You've got mayonnaise on your face. You know? I know. Exactly. You're making fart noises. You just, like, asked a girl if you could finger her and then ate a sandwich in one bite. And you've been wearing the same patterned wrinkled ass shirt from, like, TJ Maxx for a week. Stop it. Yeah, exactly.

But you want to hug him. You want, you know, you want to give him, like, a hug exactly and he also is hot so i mean and then the charter well it's like kate says later in this episode they're always hot until you get to know them basically i shouldn't say that but like you get to know people's personalities and suddenly a like a porn star looking guy like emile becomes a really insecure fucking uh borderline date rapist with a muffin top to me. Right. Anyway, so another note. A guy with pink sweater on his shoulders.

Oh, so they all work for their daddy, the charter guests. They're all, like, rich kids who work for their daddy. And one of the sons who's, like, future fat. Like, he has future fat written all over that pink sweater. Yeah. And he's, of course, the one who's like, I need to has future fat written all over that pink sweater yeah and he's of course the one who's like i need to eat every three hours yeah it's like oh god get out of here it's popped collars flower shirts the dad's in like some weird like modern take on the flower

county very orange county and then the pink sweater on the shoulders uh none of it shouldn't end well right shouldn't end so the so at first when I was watching the show, when they were talking about, oh, the shark excursion had to be canceled, I was like, why are they trying to make this a dramatic moment? Like, the guests don't care. Like, it's not a big deal. But then we realized what this was all leading up to,

which was that in order to make the guests sort of make a joke about the fact that they couldn't go shark diving, Kate and Connie decided to use some cardboard to make like a shark, make like a little fin on the back of Connie's outfit and make some teeth to go over it, like a stupid little costume. Yeah, a little cardboard shark or whatever. Yeah, whatever, some teeth.

So they're looking for cardboard cardboard and Kate finds a box that is in the kitchen. And then it's like, don't take the box! Don't take the box for the dehydrator! Which, of course, I'm bringing an Australian accent because Australian accent's a weed, but whatever. And then became Boxgate, which was like one of the most hilarious controversies because it went

on for so long. That's such a below-deck drama. Yeah. Tonight on Below Deck, a below deck drama. Yeah. Tonight on Below Deck a fight over boxes. Don't use my box, okay? Don't use my box. Don't use my box. Do you really need a box? It's not molded anyway. Yeah.

Fine. We'll find a better. We don't even like this cardboard. Connie's like, I found cardboard. Oh, good. Because we don't need that moldy cardboard now. Whatever. Dehydrator. Who uses a dehydrator? What sort of food is made out of dehydrator? Oh, good. Because we don't need that multi-cardboard now. Whatever. Dehydrator. Who uses a dehydrator? Yeah. What sort of food is made out of dehydrator? So, yeah.

It was like two angry maids mad at each other. And, you know, I was gathered around that TV, me and Bueller, screaming, maid fight! Maid fight! I just loved, I mean, like, this is a new, I can't tell if it's a new low or a new high for reality TV, that we had a full-fledged fight off of cardboard. Which is, I mean, it's kind of amazing because we were just talking about a near full-fledged fight coming from a little piece of butter on Caroline Sandberg's head. Pretty much. You know, Bravo can bring it out on anyone. Meanwhile, we're like openly fucking in the laundry room and no one's, like, the good stuff no one's fighting about yet.

Right now it's all boxes and laundry, fitted sheet ironing. Yeah, next week it's going to be like don't touch my egg carton, don't touch my egg carton. The eggs need to be in there. Who didn't clean out the lint trap? She set me up.

Rocky. Don't touch my paper napkin. Put that back in there. Why does everybody hurt me? So, Rocky. Okay. Every week, Rocky opens up a little mole like an onion. You take off a layer, there's another one.

And it's even stinkier than the original. But she does something. People keep mentioning. Obviously, it's obvious that she doesn'tier than the original. But she does something. People keep mentioning, obviously, it's obvious that she doesn't look at the camera when she does her confessionals. But I'm like, what is she doing? Because she keeps like scrunching down and looking up. And then I realized she's in her mind. She's that little kid played by Lily Tomlin. And she's looking up at her parents.

If you notice, every time she does that it's something imagine her talking to her parents and she's totally doing it but I love to swim like okay it's like a little girl begging for a toy at Disneyland that's that look to me

that's exactly right yeah cause she's always crouching down in the frame as if like as if some girder is like swinging and she has to get out of the way. Yes, but she's becoming a little child again and looking up at mommy and daddy. Fantalizing herself. Like a rule or something. Because she's still fine.

It's like how dogs never mature past four years old. They're always that four-year-old their whole lives. And I think you're similar. I'm not calling you a dog or anything. I mean, you are the only one getting dick on this boat at a girl i'll give points what points to do so um at some point leon i thought i found a con connie coming up oh yeah now wet cardboard i know that's what I was thinking

the entire time I was thinking she's not going to take that cardboard fin into the water it's going to get soggy that was my concern I found a conk like great Amy's like conk conk oh hey conk how are you

hi conk my name is Amy I hope to be your wife but if not hopefully we can still be friends do you like my bouffant conch um so then leon takes a nap and um and then the guests are hungry and they want quesadillas and leon won't make it because the chefs on this show have the whole thing about quesadillas the easiest thing in the world that they could just make, they're like, quesadillas. Who wants a quesadilla? Like, I'm sorry, people don't always want fine food all the time. Sometimes you do want a quesadilla.

But don't you think it's odd that people are always asking for quesadillas? That was the next thing I was going to say. It is odd that everyone always wants quesadillas. That's like the staple food that they have there. They're like, okay, listen up, cast. We've got tortillas and that's it. We don't even have the cheese. Everything else you just have to figure out as you go yeah it's like whatever you want with quesadillas and these people are less talented than shop chefs so they can't even

make it interesting it's like when the chop chef gets bread and they're like i'm gonna make bread pudding it's like yeah i i was gonna say that it is very curious to me that they everyone always wants quesadillas i mean i like quesadillas as much as the next guy but i wouldn't say that it is very curious to me that they everyone always wants quesadillas i mean i'd like quesadillas as much as the next guy but i wouldn't say that like that's my go-to like oh i'm hungry oh let's have a quesadilla i mean i might get into the mix but i might say how about a grilled cheese sandwich or how about some ice cream or i don't know yeah i don't think there's many option it's that or peanuts yeah quesadilla cruise lines there's not a walk there's not a walk-in fridge you know like there's a fridge that's big enough for beef cheeks and scallops and conch an emergency conch that's it well

basically the producers i'm sure the producers know that leon hates making quesadillas and they just tell the guests oh by the way if you ever get hungry just ask for a quesadilla they can so leon i love leon's attitude because it's making him fatter fuck you and guess what everyone on your side is gonna to get fat because you're evil. And that's what happens to evil people. Trust me. I am one. I know. Leon's getting fat and so is Emil.

And they're on the same douchebag mistreating women boat. So enjoy yourselves, fat people. You know, your whole controlling women thing isn't going to really work when you're fat. So Leon is taking a nap and so Rocky decides, because she wants to be a chef, whole controlling women thing isn't going to really work. That's right. So, so Leon, Leon was taking a nap. And so Rocky decides,

cause she wants to be a chef. She's going to make the chicken quesadillas, but there's, she can't find the chicken and she can't really find the cheese she needs. So she uses leftover pot roast and she uses Swiss, which is fine. But you know what I thought was strange? She used burrata.

Burrata is not something you put into a quesadilla. Extremely salty and gross. But also it's like the, the joy of burrata is not something you put into a quesadilla extremely salty and gross but also it's like the the joy of burrata is that you know it's this delicate creamy mozzarella-esque thing and you don't melt it jesus lady jesus rocky don't you know the joy i'm sorry i'm thinking of a different cheese why i called it bitter no burrata is like the soft mozzarella right well that would make sense to put in a quesadilla wouldn't it no you wouldn't you wouldn't i mean correct me if i'm wrong but you wouldn't you wouldn't put it in and some like a grilled cheese or whatever because the whole thing about it is that it's creamy and like yeah luxurious it's expensive it's expensive

for a reason because it's sort of delicate and you know it's put in that ball. And it's this wonderfully decadent, you know, cheese. And Swiss doesn't really melt. So, you know, that was a layer of non-melted Swiss cheese topped with, like, weird creamy stuff that nobody gets. Topped with pot roast from last night that looked like poop. Yeah. I mean, the guests liked it, though. But Captain Lee was not happy about it. So what are you doing down here?

I'm making a quesadilla. Well, why are you doing that? Where's Leon? Picking him up, Dad. Oh, really? We're not on his schedule. We're on the guest schedule, and somehow Leon seems to have

misplaced that concept. And then she nuked it. Leon forgot that guests sometimes say, when guests say quesadillas you say how high okay now it works it's on a bumper sticker by the way you know what i loved i loved that that um what's her face rocky put the quesadilla in the microwave is that how i thought quesadillas you're supposed to put on like a skillet right well yeah you're supposed to put them on a skillet of course it's rocky it's she puts it but so she puts in the microwave when she takes it out cake

with cake comes by she's like oh what's that curry well and cake does not know a lot of food but in her defense the girl is skinny as hell i mean at least she earns it she's like food what is food disgusting why would you do this to yourself? You know, DiCaprio didn't ask for food when I was his goddy. Yeah. It's potato gratin. Gratin? Gratin?

Gratin? Gratin. Gratin? Potatoes in a milk sauce? Okay. Could you write it out on this whiteboard, chef? That would be wonderful. I would love to communicate your dreams to the guests

and know for the next 20 times that you serve this exact same thing how to pronounce it properly. Thank you. So then we have a scene of Emil doing something. He's talking with the guests, and they're asking about the girls. Like, yeah, the girls. And he's like, yeah, but the girls don't put out much on this boat they don't put out oh my jesus i can't believe you just told the guest like you i get what you said that like first of all if you said that in a workplace

fired fired but then you said those guys were like douchey the douchey sons are like brah you're like the don juan rico suavito of this boat bra are you getting like are you like swimming in do you have like a separate dinghy on top of a ocean of right now and he's like i'll tell you this much boys those are closed for business especially the cinnabon rocky rocky bond close dan nothing coming out of that bakery meanwhile Meanwhile, Rocky's like doing Alex P in the laundry room. Yeah, exactly. And then Emil decides to stick up for Leon. He's like, I'm going to stick up for Leon because that's what an honest man does.

Shut up, Emil. Just go be pretty and stand on the deck. You know, the guys who are like the shittiest or the people who are the shittiest, I guess you just always find the shittiest, you know? Right. Like the guys who are just going to be dicks and like either offered a finger bang or like yell at a woman. And then Leon went on his whole thing about, oh, I'm not afraid of a woman. I'm from a tough kitchen. And that's where I was raised.

And when a woman talked to me, I'd scream right in her face. And she'd cry like a little sniveling woman. And she'd say, you can't talk to me like that. I'm a woman. And I'd say, I don't give a crap, you cut fitness. You're going to do what I say. Now redo the leaks, you dumb bitch. Great story, Leon.

And Emil's like, like dude we're totally bonded yeah he's like basically women are nothing more than vaginas that can talk yeah great you guys can have fun like eating chips talking about all the not pussy you're getting idiot yeah exactly and this is also where emil like, Hi there, chef. You have a good night? And he's like, yeah. What do you do, young man? Oh, I masturbated six times and watched porn. I made it six times. I mean, there's little Emils all over the ceiling of my bunk.

Embarrassing. Have to look at my undead babies. How many times did you jerk off, chef? And the chef's like, uh, uh, oh, well, that's just weak. You need to masturbate more. You need to jerk it. Get it in there. Really? Where are you masturbating six times on that ship?

Where? I want to know. White volcano cake. White volcano cake. And like Alex P. Keaton Spur makes everybody a better worker. His will just give everybody a muffin top and just make them talk really awfully to women. And a haircut from Wall Street, 1987. So then things really kick into passive aggressive mode.

So Kate, now we are totally on Kate's side because Leon is a jerk. But Kate is not making things better for herself. She's awful, but she's awful within the rules. So she's decided, you know what? Leon's an asshole. I don't like Leon. I'm going to be a bitch to him and I don't care. Which I like the empowered sentiment of that.

But she really, when she decides to be a bitch it's like she's really a bitch now Kate we know you listen we love you Kate but y'all you're such a bitch to Leon and Leon's a bigger asshole to you than you're a bitch to him but I guess it's my way. Kate started it

it's more like she's not innocent if you want to get down to the base of course Kate started it she's totally rude and passive aggressive and she's in innocent. If you want to get down to the base, of course Kate started it. She's totally rude and passive aggressive and she's in a position of management and she's allowed to. Like that's just how it is. Like when you work in any kind of lower, you know, service, stunning. I mean, come on. But she's basically, I mean, I can't tell if I love Kate for this because she's like, you know what?

Fuck him. I am just going to just be a total bitch to him over any little thing he does for instance he puts like a double smear on the plate and she's like ooh a double puree smear wow look at that two smears tonight it's a special night for Leon he's doing something different it's like so

bitchy and it's I don't know whether to embrace it or to be like because he yelled at her okay so here's how I look at it she started it because she's just Kate. Yeah, she is. Of course. She's always starting it. That's the point.

But he just takes it too far because you just can't talk like that to a chick. Or at work. Not even a chick. You can't talk like that at work. You can't be that mean. He could be just as passive-aggressive back and be like, like that at work you can't be that mean he could be just as passive aggressive back and be like well i'd love to tell you what's on the menu today if i could see past your you know floaty lips bitch you know or something he said a lot of nasty things yeah otherwise take the bitch off and it

was passive aggressive you could do that but you can't just like yell and berate a woman and then kind of get that angry he was getting so angry that you just can't do that around a woman because it's like, what, is he going to hit the woman now? Because that's what it looked like. Like, you can't act like that. Well, he's also, he's never made any effort to try to get to the root of the problem for communication. She, even though Kate is bitchy and passive-aggressive,

she has tried to be like, okay, we need to fix some things. And he's just like, we don't have to fix anything. I'll do my thing and you have to shut up, you know. But so I'll get off his ass when he's that much of a dick to a man, because the way that he treats the women. And I'm not really big on all that PC bullshit. So I'm not just calling him a sexist like as a social justice warrior. The guy's literally a fucking sexist asshole. He doesn't pay the women any respect

when amy talks to him he just completely ignores her and won't speak to her either and she's not being a bitch right right i agree like being told what to do by a woman tough shit that's why you lost yours and now you're on the sea still being bossed around by women we call that karma you sexist piece of shit now stop eating so much and worrying about your eyebrows and your fucking facials. You'll look like a fig. Well, I loved when Kate just started going at him. She's asking him what the meal is,

and he's like, I made scallops St. Jacques. And she's like, oh, I didn't know we were a bilingual kitchen now. Just bipolar. Just bipolar. Just bipolar. Oh, God. And then, of course, Leon makes his signature beef cheeks, which, of course, the beef cheeks. Oh, those bother Kate so much.

No, I understand what she's saying when she's like, why not change it up? Why not change it up? But the truth is, if it's always new guests, does he really have to change it up? I don't know if he has to if he makes but leon having to make things like beef cheeks and ink squid shit every week but he only knows how to do certain things shows that he's a one-trick pony and it also shows that i agree way too hard to impress people with beef cheeks like Like, no one cares, dude. That's disgusting. It's like a delicacy that you... He's trying to act like he's smart to be serving it,

but you only have one up your sleeve. He can't even make a protein shake for crying out loud. I mean, there are certain dishes that it's clear he can do really well. I mean, across the board, everyone has loved his food, but he can do those dishes that I mean across the board everyone has loved his food that but he can do those dishes but he clearly

is not from what we can see that creative of a chef he just has his things that he does he doesn't like to challenge us. And he has an air of like cloying desperation to be thought of as like smart cultured stuff like it comes off in what he cooks to me. I think where

I think where Kate gets really annoyed is that he has a signature dishes which is fine but he doesn't ever seem to try to challenge himself and Kate say what you will she takes a huge amount of pride in doing her job and you actually can really see that you can really see

her always picking stuff up and doing things and getting on people and like it's really important to her and i think that the fact that he doesn't challenge himself the way like ben did chef ben was always trying to do something bigger and better is i think that it's it comes off as someone who doesn't who who is just coasting and even if he does have creativity in him he's not he's not exploring it and so he's lazy he's lazy and he gets mad at people when people want want him to do something different when they like if they say can you

have make me a quesadilla his his thought isn't okay i'm gonna make a really cool quesadilla for you it's more like oh fuck them quesadillas people uh i think exactly and i know exactly what's going through your mind cake because we're both bitches at heart. We've got the same DNA. I think that when she sees someone lose their temper like that, that is a huge sign of weakness. Huge. If somebody cannot control their temper in a work environment, they're a weak human being. And one thing Kate does not have any fucking use for is a weakling.

So I think she looks at him as a moronic weakling. And I don't blame her. And I think her problem with Amy at first was that she was a weakling. But then Amy proved that even though she acts like she's weak, she's not. She's good. Like, she does her job. And she's strong when she needs to be. And she earned a respect. You're never going to earn a person like that's respect by being a whiny,

you know, yelly, shouty, losing his temper. Right. And to be fair, he has lived up to all of the assumptions that Kate has made about him. Like when Kate found out that he had,

his experience was on cruise liners and not yachts. And she's like, well, here's the thing. They only serve food when they are ready to serve food. And they just serve the same thing over and over again. And there's no creativity. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

And then he's just pretty much done exactly what she predicted out of him. And I think that, you know, at first we were all kind of rolling our eyes at her like, oh, God, you're being really harsh. He's a cruise line, you know, cruise, whatever chef. But, uh,

now we're sort of seeing it. We're seeing that. Oh, she actually had a point. She had a point that like, uh, there is a, there is a difference perhaps between being a yacht ship and a cruise ship.

I mean, I don't know. We only see what we see on the show. you know, we, you know, who are we to slander, not slander,

but to take down a guy's entire like fuck that guy he's doing it but fuck yeah i agree on what he's doing fuck him like he's an asshole he needs to learn i've given bravo he should not have given bravo the material that they are now using against him well hopefully he's at least embarrassed you know because it goes two ways either they're really embarrassed and try and change or he will not be embarrassed well he'll be indignant stubborn yeah he'll be stubborn and be like well i'm right and they're all idiots and then yeah all the guys in the world who jerk off six times in five minutes will be on his side and you know like start reddit threads for him who knows so that being said uh like for the next dinner the birthday dinner where he's leon's supposed

to make a birthday cake by the way because this guy's never had a birthday cake in his life which is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard I'm sure at some point between the ages of zero and five he had a birthday cake but I'm sure the guy who needs to eat every three hours and has a pink sweater tied around his neck that working for daddy bought him has bought you a cake

they've at least sent out a maid for one they're like they're like yeah we'll have like here here's the birthday cake. We'll have your son bring it out to you. Sorry, Dad. They never gave me a cake. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

They never gave me the cake. Just don't look in my bedroom. Sorry, Dad. I got the cake, but I ate it. Are those crumbs under your lapel? No, no crumbs. They just never gave me a cake. So anyway, so Leon, for dinner, he made this dish called pomme fondant,

which I had actually never heard of before. But it's like potatoes. Potatoes fried in butter. Potatoes and cheese. And so Kate is like, she's like, what's that? He's like, pomme fondant. She's like, and one of the, he describes, she's like, okay, so they're like deep fried potatoes. He's like, no, they're pomme fondant.

Called them pomme fondant, not deep fried potatoes. She's like, okay, okay. And she goes out there. She's like, all right, right now we got some beef cheeks and some deep-fried potatoes to go along with it. Oh, so funny. I'd like to introduce our new dish for this evening. It's called, let's pretend that we are

at a Walmart right now. Would you like the popcorn or the hot dog? Here's something from Chef Stouffer's. I'm sorry, his name is Chef Leon. He just uses Stouffer's for everything. Here you go. I would love to have

dehydrated something for you, but the box for the dehydrator is full of molds, so thank you for coming to dinner. Apparently the dehydrator only works if there's a box to put it in afterwards, so I'm sorry we don't have the scallop jerky that Chef Leon is going to prepare for you.

Hopefully you enjoy these beef cheeks. The chef likes to call them turn that frown upside down. I don't even understand it it's just a funny thing to say that's Walmart's tagline I hope you enjoy these it came straight from a rollback

savings event I was going to call this dish a number 4 but it just rolled back to a number two. So enjoy that. We're starting with dessert first because we would like to roll back the progression of this dinner. Enjoy. The chef has prepared for you a study in mac and cheese. On the left, you'll find Kraft brand.

In the middle is Stouffer's. And on the right is Lean Cuisine. Please enjoy. You'll notice that the carrots were cut by a terrible failed dinner theater actress. Enjoy. Thank you for coming. Here we have a tasting. We have a broccoli

tasting. This here on the left is a Jolly Green Giant brand. And on the right, the generic Walmart brand. Please enjoy. Do you hear the leaf blower thing? Is that what that is? I was wondering. I just assumed it was Chef Leon grinding through your wall to come kill you.

Jerking off six times in a row. Always right by my window, darling. I'm so sorry. I had one. That's fine. I had one earlier. No, no, no. It might take a while.

It's an estate. Just pretend it's the sound of the waters. So the next we have, it's night service and Rocky is flirting with spies. This fucking podcast. You gotta love it. I know. It's like three hours of leaf blowers. Come back later when I'm in my underwear.

Like, time this better, leaf blower. All right. So let's power through here. So Rocky's flirting and i want to be here 20 hours yeah and then amy's like hey rocky i know y'all having a great time but um maybe you can clean some glasses and rocky's fucking partying down on the deck like doing lines with the guys yeah out of here it's, I need to let loose, guys. Yeah. Like dancing all sexy and talking about how she like needs to let off some steam. Yeah.

So then Amy goes and FaceTimes with her hot brother Kelly from last season. And she's like, I feel lonely. I don't have any friends. All of this is really friendly red snapper that I found. And he's real nice. Doesn't really speak English. But like I like to talk to him. And he seems to share things with me sometimes when he blows a bubble. And I'm like, oh, thanks, red snapper that I found and he's real nice. It doesn't really speak English, but like, I like to talk to him and he seems to share things with me.

Sometimes when he blows a bubble and I'm like, Oh, thanks. Oh, Amy, it's good to hear you're doing good. Did the starfish ever takes you back? No,

he didn't. It got me real concerned. I think that maybe they let him out of the touch tank. Um, that brother's hot. I do not appreciate that. He was on the show with a shirt on that's bullshit that was bullshit um yeah so she tried to have her talk with rocky and she's like rocky i just want to hug you with some advice okay you're lazy and terrible okay i'm so good talking rocky's like

and then rocky throws a fucking five-year-old's fit. I can't do anything right. I'm not going to do my job. I'm like, all I do is my job. I don't even know what else to do. Because you guys are going to be like, that's not your job. And I'm going to be like, but I'm doing it. Yeah, Amy's like, Rocky, don't go there with your attitude.

Don't go there. And Rocky's like, I want to go there. I want to. Like, talking to my niece, throwing a fit, my brother-in-law just goes, he goes, Cadence, why? Why are you sobbing and screaming like that? You can stop it if you wanted to. No, I can't. Yes, you that you can stop it if you wanted to no i can't yes you can just stop it i can't why are you crying i don't know so rocky

it's so wrong oh i thought you were gonna say something else i was like so wrong i thought you were starting a sentence no no no i'm just. So anyway, it's the next morning. I think actually the last, the beef cheek dinner was not the birthday dinner. Not that it really matters in any form. But I just don't want to give false information about Blow Deck. So then it's the next morning. For some reason, I think at one point the camera panned on to the hot guy's bio again. And what I liked is that it was like, dislikes. Pine nuts. some reason i think at one point the camera panned on to the hot guys bio again and what i'd like to

say that like it was like dislikes pine nuts like no don't give ryan gosling pine nuts so i don't know why it's so stupid but it's like that's the random shit that makes me laugh when somebody's like things that don't pop my collar yeah i don't want to get a case of pine mouth so uh eyelashes falling out on cheeks thank you for asking ryan notling so uh it's the next morning and leon is like he's i don't know he's poking around in the kitchen making these little doritos essentially and so kate's like hey leon what are you making and he's like what nothing what nothing what nothing what nothing what is that what is that more french what is that Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Is that French? Is that more French?

What? Is that Chilean? What are you speaking now, chef? What did you learn on your cruise? What did you learn on your cruise, chef? It was like Lisa Simpson and Bart. It was like... Stop it. What? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? So he there yet? Are we there yet?

So he's like, nothing, nothing. And then so here, another great passive-aggressive moment. Emile walks in. He's like, hey, what you got going there? Making little triangles out of your jizz? And Leon's like, oh, actually, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to make a trip. He's like, I'll tell you about it because I don't want to tell someone who's false like that one over there.

Meanwhile, Kate's standing right there. So then Kate's response is that when the guests ask for a lobster omelet, she's like, if he wants to treat me like waitstaff, then I will be like waitstaff. And she writes down the order and just hands it forward like service, like expediting, which I actually thought seemed like it made sense. Well, yeah. Someone's not going to talk to you. You've got to communicate. It's like that roommate that you hate. You know, you like stop jizzing on the couch, Emil.

Yeah. So then Connie is like, wow, man, the vibe inside is terrible. And then Emil's response is like, yeah, I think it's because of me and Rocky. Everyone's stressed out. It's mad because of me and Rocky. And then poor Connie. I mean, you know, I connie shit here and there but she's more or less like coming off the best this season and she's like oh emile you can be one or the other pretty or dumb but you can't be both i'm like

actually i think specifically you can be both i think it's pretty or smart like she doesn't even know the saying she says you are an idiot you are so dumb you know it's so weird like some people are dumb and some are pretty but you're like not supposed to be both but you are both you're like like you're so dumb you're prettier than you would be normally does that make any sense he's like i don't know you want me to stick my fingers up your carnal desire hole and we'll see oh no means yes right um so then uh the girlfriend of the primary is talking about dinner okay so big birthday dinner coming up and leon's like i'm gonna make some rabbit she's like oh that's so funny i've only had rabbit once and when i had, it was because my mom cooked my pet rabbit,

and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. Ha ha ha ha ha. And I was like, great, I'm going to serve rabbit. Oh. And Amy. You can't do that. That is traumatic. You can't just give someone a little bunny when they saw a bunny die. It's like someone trying to serve me a starfish on a skewer.

Who would do that? I once boiled a bunny, and I learned that is not the way to get to a man's heart. So, Leon, you really should reconsider this dinner. Leon is forcing a woman to eat a rabbit. I mean, that is the most awful thing ever, and he's had children. What is wrong with me? So, and then, of course, Kate, she ch she chants i mean who would eat rabbit right let's let's eat that rabbit right after we eat bambi yeah right everything food is disgusting she's like a quesadilla why would you do that to yourself

okay i'll put that order right in i mean why not just serve them shots of Ipecac? I mean, seriously. Is there any Drano in the aisle, chef? You might want to just pour shots of that because there's no hope for any taste on this boat. Is there a box for the rabbit? I just want to check. Did that rabbit come in a box?

Or was it from the freezer? By the way so you know what here's something i noticed every time on this show that they do like one of those 24 montages you know when they like split the screen up into like five different panels yeah it is every single time leon is like hovering over a bowl, chowing down. He's either chowing down or he's napping. That's all it is, is him over a bowl or him napping. Yeah, he either stopped wearing Spanx or he has gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time. Him and Emil both.

I'm fat shaming you both. There, there. I said a fat person fat shamed. Little hug. Little hug. So dinner comes and goes. I don't see any birthday cake. I don't see even a lava cake.

I don't know. Is that maybe still to come? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that Leon goes to sleep and the guests are hungry. So Kate's like, okay, we can make some popcorn and some pizza. And Kate manages to pretty much burn down the yacht in the kitchen. She puts the popcorn in for like 30 minutes. The pizza, I don't know what she, oh, I think she put the pizza in.

Oh, you know what? She preheated the pizza, the oven, and there were dry pans in there. And so the pans caught on fire. Yeah, or potatoes or something. Because they opened it before. Yeah, there were some potatoes. Rocky opened it when she was cooking and there were potatoes or something, and it looked all dried and gross. Yeah.

That thing is like a graveyard, basically, that oven. Something was messed up. And so when the episode ended, the pizza was saved, but there was like a full-on fire in the oven. And, of course, no one decided to close the the oven door so the cliffhanger is raging fire and the oven I mean and they're like where's the fire extinguisher where's the fire extinguisher which is of course very concerning oh yeah yeah like you actually

don't you give that in your speech like and there's the fire extinguisher yeah where's the exit um the they were going all crazy and I thought it was a really fun twist that it turned out to be Kate that burned down the kitchen and not Rocky, because this whole episode, it's been Rocky's in the kitchen, watch out,

and then there's going to be a fire, and Rocky's in the kitchen, and then it turns out it was Kate, and Rocky, of course, does what any child would do. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fault, I swear. It wasn't me, I swear. It wasn't me. I swear. Like, she runs through the boat just screaming, it wasn't me i swear it wasn't me i'm like she runs through the boat just screaming it wasn't me i swear yeah and then she kept yelling why kate what did you do kate kate

what did you do like blaming kate and then kate kate runs in she's like what what is it there's food what what is i don't know how to do that why Why didn't anybody? Okay, just open something. I did it. Well, open something else. I did it. Well, and then Kate runs like her skinny ass, runs with her high heels through the kitchen, waving her arms over her head. Not having any idea what to do. So she's just running through the kitchen with her arms kind of waving too slowly.

It was like cue the Benny Hill music it was so funny for some reason but next week the devil really comes out of the eyebrows as the

obese chef the now 500 pounds overweight chef has a meeting with the captain and he's like well the boat was almost burnt down by kate and i don't want to say it but she was drinking yeah and then he smiles with his evil disney villain eyes yeah that's bad it's really bad i i hope he gets canned they keep on saying that chef ben is coming back so So I hope he gets canned because he has ultimately, regardless of the passive aggressiveness between the two of them, he's the one who's been slacking on his job more. he didn't have protein shakes when the guests when the foodies came instead of stocking up on food beforehand he like decided the next day to order the food he's the one that you know he grumbles about making brownies and he makes them out of box instead of just melting some chocolate and some

yeah he's a hack and some eggs he is just you know like he's a problem as much shit as we talk about people on this show the reason that we like them is because well i like them is because you identify in some way and you're kind of rooting for the people no matter what i mean even the worst people on housewives usually you want to root for them even even kyle like i kind of root for in life in general but when they're so detestable that you just want them to go away that's not fun yeah i have to say i actually think that you know again them to go away. That's not fun. Yeah, I have to say, I actually think that, again, we make fun of all these people because that's just what we do. But the truth is, when I watch this show,

especially the interior, about how these stewards, these stews have to like, they have to clean. They're constantly cleaning. And that's a big, that's, I mean, it's hard enough for me to clean my 550-square-foot apartment, okay? And these women are cleaning nonstop after these people. But not just cleaning.

They're serving them. They're waiting on them from dawn until late at night. I mean it's just never-ending. And that's hard. If they just had to clean, that would be hard. If they just had to serve them, that would be hard. If they just had to serve them, that would be hard. If they just had to take them on these little adventures. But they have to do all of that.

That is hard. It is the only show on Bravo where people actually work. Because Vanderpump Rules, they don't work. Get out of here. They barely show up. They show up one day a week because one person has to be there to get pictures taken with behind the bar or something um but they're never there you know it's not like this where they're like there's nowhere to go there's nowhere to hide a b team to come in and take over when you're sick of working there's just you so watching children

lose it is really like rocky really is so fun. Because where's she going to go? Like, okay, nice to meet you, crew. Have fun doing laundry in the morning. You know? Yeah, I mean, it's, and yeah, and like you're doing laundry not just for the guests, but for the other crew members. It just, oh, I see it. I just get exhausted sometimes.

And I look at the dust on my bookshelf. I'm like, why? These people can clean an entire yacht every single day and i can't be bothered to stand up and take the canister of pledge that is literally standing there three feet from the bookshelf and the rag that's right there that i put out there to dust i can't be bothered to spritz the shelf and wipe and be done i'm'm like, oh. My living room looks like Sanford and Son. And it's only like, there's a youthful reference for you.

And it's crap. It's just like crap. I'll just take something off and be like, all right, go on the floor, shit. So why? What's wrong with you? I'm not walking around drunk all day. I live in a one bedroom.

It's sad. So yeah, seeing people do that. Oh, God. I know. I live in a one bedroom. It's sad. So yeah, seeing people do that. I know. But anyway, that brings us to another end of working. Working. The musical. That actually is a musical. A dumb one. And a former sitcom.

How about that? Everybody, thank you so much for coming and listening. And go to the usuals watchwhatcrappens.com has all of our links to our Facebook subscribe to our bonuses at Patreon our hangouts in one hour so that announcement does you no good but it's going to be fun to talk to you guys yeah and again check out that new Patreon reward level where you can submit questions and we will

start dedicating a segment of the show to answering these questions and then perhaps even set up a voicemail situation, which will be really fun. We'll name it. Maybe we'll give away naming rights to the mailbag section. If you donate $6,

you get to have your name on the mailbag section. section yeah the more subscribers we get there the more we actually do for you'd like the more content we come out with outside of the podcast yes we can stay at home more and so thank you for that it's lovely hopefully one day we can have an all crap talking channel all day long it'll just be like i'm at the whole foods this bitch in front of me purse is fake whatever we'll be there all day exactly growing people yes thank you everybody thanks everyone yeah bye hey prime members you can listen to watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.