Watch What Crappens - #233: Dick Pics, Dick Vicks and Girthy Hicks

Episode Date: October 29, 2015

We have a secret dick pic! Classy! Also, Vicki's gross on the second Real Housewives of Orange County reunion, the Ladies of London get into a manners brawl, and a crazy person almost burns down a boat on Below Deck. Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Today's episode is sponsored by Casper. Get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting www.casper.com slash crappins and using the promo code crappins. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Jessica Halford-Porter, Christy Doherty, and Claudia Catalina.

We love you girls. Now on with the show. Hey everybody, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the bruvs. I'm Ronnie Caron from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, slim, and think thin, full of Ben Mandelker of the B-side blog and the banter blender, Hello Ben. Oh, hi Ronnie, you know I had a bagel and cream cheese this morning, so, uh, you know, I'm going in the wrong direction. Well, hopefully that think thin bar that you ate afterwards attacked the bagel and cream cheese and made them, you know,

hopefully you Chrissy Teigen them out. Well, unfortunately, it's a think thin bar, not a be thin bar, so... That's true. The prognosis is not good. Wow, nothing like putting an unaccomplished goal at your fucking title of a bar can I just give like a

quick plug to myself please which is that I recorded a new episode of the banter blender this week and Angie and David are on it so come listen to that and I've actually posted a few things on my blog this week too I posted something about some Korean cooking.

And in case you missed it on our Facebook page, I actually did a whole rundown about my favorite board games that I have. So I know it's nothing to do with Bravo, but I put some time into writing those things. So if anyone wants to go check them out, I would really appreciate it. Thank you. Are you saying we're supposed to be doing things outside of this? Because I don't.

Right? Besideblog.com. Yeah, plugger girl. Also, thank you to everybody who's coming to Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. Because that is where you subscribe to the extras. Like the bonus episode we just recorded. And you guys, it's so fun. We talk about the Zola twitter hooker thing

that's really fun as told by the housewives of course yeah i i don't want to be i don't want to be immodest but i feel like we kind of knocked this bonus episode out of the park that was a good one and we had vicky doing her periscope fire sale and we had heather we had imitations of heather's new podcast yeah it's a good we had lots of check out and we talked about a lot of different bravo gossip but i think uh reading the zola twitter story in housewife voices was sort of felt like a personal um high point that was so fun i didn't even get that that's what you were doing at first i was just trying to make up like my own twitter stories and then I realized you were reading the actual crazy tweets.

Yeah. So anybody who is wanting to know what that's all about, no one knows. Just go listen. And thank you to everybody who does. The other stuff, we did a hangout last week.

That was really fun. The ringers are great this month. And yeah, there's a lot of fun stuff. And you can call and ask a question. We have like a new level for that. So if you want to call and ask whatever the hell you yeah, there's a lot of fun stuff. And you can call and ask a question. We have like a new level for that. So if you want to call and ask whatever the hell you want, there's a level for the game. And we have a question later on. We'll read the question later on for this episode.

And so thank you to everybody. Really, come to Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. And that's where you can talk to other listeners and us about all of the shit that we're talking about here. We have live show threads that are so fun to comment on while you're watching the shows. People are hilarious on those things. So go on and thank you to everybody.

We've got a huge show because Ms. Heather McDonald was on our last show. So hilarious. We talked an hour and a half and did not recap shit. Yeah, that's correct. So we. We talked an hour and a half and did not recap shit. Yeah, that's correct. So we're going to make up for lost time today.

Yeah, we've got a lot. So today we've got Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion Part 2. Ladies of London, Below Deck, and the end of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Yeah. And I want to go out on a limb and say that I think this week's Below Deck episode was the very best Below Deck episode that's ever aired. Oh yeah, Below Deck was amazing! Yeah, I think it was actually

the episode of the week on Bravo. Well, yeah, you know, I always say maids on a boat and why would I want to be a waiter and then watch a show about basically maids and waiters? And this is why. Because when it's a shit show it's amazing because all of that frustration comes bubbling to the surface and drowns innocence so we'll get to that yeah that's gonna be a good we have some really awesome though okay so yes none of this i have to say this is substantiated

okay i have to say that right now. We get emails from you guys. You can private message us on Facebook or whatever. And they're so good. They're full of tips or whatever. Just people asking about mac and cheese recipes and whatnot. Or games. It's everything.

Yeah, it's everything. But sometimes we get some really juicy tips. And we're going to withhold the name of who gave us this tip. And the only way I believe it is because we kind of know this person and because there's a picture attached. So Carol, apparently, Carol of Real Housewives. I think she is the only Carol, right? It's kind of an odd housewife's name.

Yeah, Radziwill. Yeah, Carol. And by the way, I don't know what this gossip is. I am learning it along with the rest of the world. So good. Okay, so Carol Radziwayl, Radzi, left her iPhone in a Starbucks or something. Like she lost her cell phone. And so someone we know's friend apparently found it.

This all sounds very fishy. I can hear myself. I hear myself. Okay. So they sent us a message and said, my friend found this phone. Is it a Nigerian friend who needed like $500 at the airport? No, it's basically, I said, well, excavate. You know, pull everything from it before you call Lost and Found and post.

And I said, please post all dick pics. Like, go through there. Because you know Carol's like, all dick pics. Like, go through there, because you know Carol's like, it was on locks. Yeah, she ain't going to lock her phone. I don't have time to remember the numbers. Who does? I don't lock my, the only reason there's any password on my phone

is because I was around my nieces in the summer and I don't want nothing crazy showing up. And they're like, uncle! You know, and they see something that'll scar them for lives, for their lives or whatever. Anyway, anyway so i said send all dick pics and we did get a dick pic of carol's boyfriend what a naked pic a whole naked pic and wait okay now i have to look yeah now you can look now you can look don't say who it's from though you're gonna be tempted okay so let me see yeah it's from

ramona singer no just kidding so you did not hear this from me at all carol radzowell lost her cell in nyc and a friend of mine found it and it's not locked holy shit details to come so i said girl download all dick pics so we got a dick pic oh my god, I can verify that this is a full naked picture of the boyfriend. Oh my god. So good. And not bad. Not bad at all. Good job, Radzi.

Good job. Now pick up your ping pong balls. This person said, I'm surprised she looks so squinty all the time. I think her eyes would be bugged out. And then I said, oh my god, you're my hero. Nice package. No wonder she's in love and then here are the further details in no particular order

Luann was the co-core they're referring to the twitter fight that happened last week because Kristen told Brandy that somebody was a co-core or something I don't know and so all the housewives from New York and whatever they were fighting because someone was called a coke whore.

Says the girl who just got fired. Poor thing. So anyway, Luann was the coke whore is what it says. Which wouldn't be a shocker because her personality has been all over the place. And all I can say is thank you, Coke. If that's true, thank you, Coke. You've done a great job with last season. Sonya and Luann hire their boyfriends.

Not really a shocker there. Lots of texts with Bethany and Andy about season 8 negotiations no shocker Bethany wants to actually date a skinny girl bottle next season just kidding and finally my personal favorite Ramona is a self-proclaimed

cover your children's ears if you have children shame on you for listening to this you have 5 seconds to get them in their earmuffs Ramona is a self-proclaimed squirter If you have children, shame on you for listening to this around them. You have five seconds to get them in their earmuffs. Ramona is a self-proclaimed squirter. I like that Bueller added a nice emphasis to that. Yeah, even Bueller was disgusted. He's like, people doing the windowsills. Please.

I'm sorry. Oh, no, they're covering the bush outside my house. That means they're about to do the windowsill. Oh, yeah, everybody, people are working on windows outside and there's a lot of sanding. I'm sorry. You know what? Well, this really reminds me. This one time when I was a little girl, I was playing

at the local pool and someone had a water gun and I wanted to play with it. And my dad said, no, you can't play with it. And then Geraldine Parsons-Smith came in and took my gun and broke it in half. And to this day, I always resented it. So I go out of my way to squirt whatever I can in spite of her. Okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's crazy no matter how much fun I have when I'm having sex. When it's over, I squirt. And then I go, told you, Dad. I can do it. You're not my dad. Okay?

I'm sorry. Ramona's a rebellious squirter. Okay. So that's how we're starting off this mega episode But that shit is good And even if it's a lie still fun And we got to see a dick And honestly all those pieces of gossip there Could be total lies and fabrication But one thing that is not a lie

Is that there's a full on naked picture Of the hot cook. And if people are getting so crazy that they're creating dick pics of people that really aren't like Justin Bieber, that's ridiculous. Like, if we've fallen that far to where even that's a lie, I don't even want to live in this world anymore. He should know better, by the way, than to include his face in a dick pic. I mean, that's not a dick pic i mean that's not a dick pic anymore that's actually just a full frontal nude pic well yeah why would he worry yeah he's got nothing to be ashamed of i mean what are they not gonna hire him to like guard

honeybee things in nigeria or whatever nicaragua and by the way also it's like a black and white photo it's actually like a beautiful photo it's like artistic oh my god if you look like that it's like imagine david oh the statue david taking a selfie that's basically what david's pose is the statue of david actually holding his dick and doing the helicopter first so it didn't look all wrinkled so his girlfriend wouldn't have like a wrinkly dick like david made no effort he's like who cares it's my dick look people care dude people are still having to look at your shriveled up dick all this time later. Shame on you, David. Shame.

David. David. David. Do the helicopter. It was my birthday and David didn't do the helicopter first. I know he didn't love me. David, why were you posing naked for someone? And why did you not have an erection?

David. David. So thank you to the random crazy person who sent us this. Good dick pic. Will we get sued for posting this dick pic? I don't know. I get scared about things like that. Because you know someone else is going to make Radar Online $5,000,000,000.

So what do we do? Do we post it or not? We shouldn't, right? Okay, so here's the thing. It probably will make Radar Online $5,000,000,000, but we're not Raider Online. No, it's not going to make us $5,000,000,000. Here's the thing. We're easy targets.

Okay, we can get – I don't know if we'll get sued or whatever, but it's like – I mean, someone sent us the – I don't know. I don't know. I personally don't – I like talking about it, but I feel weird. Well, surely it'll be posted. I mean, they're emailing us. I'm i mean they're emailing us i'm sure that they're emailing someone's gonna give them you know like a few bucks they'll get a starbucks gift card for that like wow a hot young person's penis on the internet how crazy never seen it before here's here's our request to our source whoever you sell the picture to just like uh send us a starbucks card and thank you for sending it send me a poor love a penis in the email i'll take it so anyway that

was that okay so let's get on to the recaps of the week there's a billion shows shall we go in order what would you like to do bean um i feel like even though it's not the most pressing on my mind, believe it or not, I feel like everyone wants to talk about OC first, so why don't we just get into the OC reunion? Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. It was not...

It's going to take a moment for me to crank this up into my brain again to remember. Even though I wrote down the notes, the notes would have been nothing to me at the moment. We talked about Vicky's Periscoping. She's having a caliente sale. I'm getting rid of everything. Forget Tuscany. Bye, Tuscany. Bye.

She's getting rid of her stuff on Periscope. We already talked about that, but I wanted to say that a perfect way to open this reunion is something Vicky says that she's like me where it's like a stutter and doesn't think and then never even finishes. you're like, what is she talking about? So she does that a few times

but she's like, guys, I'm not even kidding. The countertops, the sink. I mean, I'm giving everything away. It feels like my child, you know, I just want to give stuff away. I'm like, wow. So that's a Mother's Day card from Vicky. It's like my children.

Take it! That countertop accused my husband of showing her his quick box. I can imagine being at home and the doorbell rings like ding dong. It's like a guy from UPS. We have a countertop for you and there's this box that's

10 feet long that's 300 pounds and just a slab of granite. Oh yeah yeah i got you a countertop counters don't even look like this it doesn't we have an l shape oh well i guess not to build up a regular eye shape then okay well to a bet you don't have a built-in handyman like me you know my pastor from saddleback he he's not only my pastor he's also my built-in handyman here at my house look at him over there carrying some granite it was the pastor who's like filming it he's like oh people are gonna love those roosters vicky

she's like oh yeah people love the roosters meanwhile heather's like is that alfredo installing your countertop hey i just want to take a moment and say hi so previously on the real housewives of orange candy reunion do you know what a circle jerk is i'm being duped sex tapes to circle jerks no that's coming up that's coming up on oh it was the basic opening was dun dun dun dun dun dun do you know what a circle jerk is i'm being duped and then you can't do You cannot do recaps Of coming up Yes because Listen because the next part is

Sex tapes to circle jerks Leeches to sharks and enemas to colonoscopies That's what Andy was saying He's like this season Yeah no that is but I'm just I thought you were doing the opening credits Of like on tonight's episode And you're recapping the teaser for. Oh, I'm like, and then it ended.

Next show is below deck. Today on Real Housewives of Orange County, the credits came. Next on Below Deck. So, yeah, so no, they do get into the circle jerk madness. And I love how none of these women know what a circle jerk is. How do they not know what a circle jerk is? Of course they do. Tamara just had a sex party.

She's like, what? What's a circle jerk, batch? Yeah. What? Ah, I'm sure you don't know what a circle jerk is. Ask Eddie, all right? It's what happens after spin class now that he works alone. Warped floors.

Crooked circle jerks. Warped floors Crooked circle jerks Warped floors on uneven balls Warped floors on empty tables I wish I could make that work into a sad Poor person Les Mis song Alright Ben you take the lead because I'm already at wieners My next note is wiener in the wind And then Shannon dancing arm lol So they all are like We don't know what a circle jerk is.

We don't know what a circle jerk is. And then there are questions to Heather about her house, about her big house. Like, aren't you being crazy and yada, yada, yada. Oh, so I see. So you're taking advantage of me being confused by my notes that we're taking a long time ago so that you can skip over the half an hour we talked about Shanna's asshole. We talked about Enema's. I have a huge in caps down here.

I put, Vicky gonna barf right after she said the circle jerk thing on her train. These women are so fucking crazy. And then I put in big letters, Enema! And it's even in a larger font. Like, I'm gonna forget to talk about the Enema? I have so many questions about your enema? What the hell?

I have so many questions about your enema. Yeah. She's like, well, David just, he didn't stick his finger. He was just looking, just generally looking. Like you're my starfish. It turns out it wasn't the unbearable stress of what David did to the family. It was a tangerine I ate earlier in the day and I bloated up like I was pregnant. Munchausen's by tangerine. I'm never going to learn what Munchausen's is, in the day. And I bloated up like I was pregnant. Munchausen's by tangerine.

I'm never going to learn what Munchausen's is, by the way. Heather just explained it to me the other day. And I'm like, no, I'll keep it. Just random crazy person making themselves pregnant. I think she said it was that you make other people sick. That way you become the caregiver. Oh, so you get attention. Right, right, right. But that's Munchausen's by proxy.

So Munchausen's is, I guess, where you make yourself sick to get attention. Right? So that's munchausen's by proxy so munch i guess where you make yourself sick to get attention right so that would be oh okay not medical okay but hey i'm as medical as anybody on this fucking show so circle jerk on train leeches enemas don't like coffee in my butthole i love my notes on this show enema i have so many questions about your enema i had a tangerine blood went down i knew it would come apart it fell into the toilet but i didn't know right away shannon's story shannon's starting to tell stories like vicky where they don't add up even when you're talking about something coming up your ass you're like well it came out of my butt but i didn't notice it at first because and then how did you not notice it coming out of your butt

she's not telling stories like vicky She's telling stories like a homeless person, a crazy homeless person. She's like, well, I had a tangerine and it got me so bloated, I had to stick an enema up and then plastic got caught in there. Oh, my tangerine broke down the other day by the gas station

and the child is sitting in the back of the tangerine. It's going to explode and there's going to be a dead baby unless you give my tangerine $20. And then I turned on Netflix and they were showing that movie Tangerine. And I thought, oh, great. I'm going to get bloated in the eyes now.

Bloated. Bloated in the eyes. Will work for Enema. Oh, Shan. So we talked about Shannon's Enema. And she was sitting there laughing like. I like when they show clips of Shannon and she laughs like she's in an 80s sitcom. And they're having like some memory fest

on that Nick at Night channel, whatever it is. Clip show, yeah. Valerie Bertinelli's hosting. She's like, I remember that! I had something on my butt! Turns out it wasn't. That was crazy. It's like it just happened three weeks ago. One colonic

at a time with Valerie Bertinelli and the woman who says she was raped by her dad one at a time what was her name again uh the caroline manzo i know that was i was like wait what that that jerked my brain out for a second you know i forget her name i remember phillips um mackenzie phillip mackenzie mackenzie austin i don't know that girl had a lot of issues The least of which Acid wash overalls I'll never forget her wearing those one time

I was like those are amazing I'm going to get them Thank you for ruining my 20s batch One colonic at a time One colonic at a time I'm who's Schneider Who plays Schneider Schneider is Paul plays Schneider? Schneider is Paul Nassif.

He walks in to fix something. They're like, what's Paul doing here? He's just eating their bagels. Like what? Like, save your back, Paul. Paul, save your back! And then Jim J. Bullock lives downstairs. That's too close for comfort.

Which is also totally applicable to the situation. Jim J. Bullock is every gay on Bravo. That's who plays Jim J. Bullock. Jim J. Bullock is the American Luke from Ladies of London. Yeah, but Luke is actually kind of calm. I was surprised. I guess even in London, they don't have the Bravo gays. They haven't exported those yet. Because here, he'd be like you know glitter coming off him and there he's like oh you need a suitcase for your face and everyone's like oh the gays tame gay english tame snotty gay

uh where is jim j bullock by the way where he's i think he passed away from uh yes didn't he didn't he? Didn't he have AIDS? And then he was best friends with, I don't know which came first, obviously, but he was friends with Tammy Faye. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the noise outside, you guys. I'm horrified. I can barely hear it.

Well, someone's getting a beautiful windowsill. So thank you, Alfredo. By the way, Jim J. Bullock is not only alive, but according to Google, he was born in Casper, Wyoming. Oh, Casper! Should we do a Casper mattress ad now?

Oh, should we? Yeah. That was an unintentional Jim J. Bullock segue into a Casper mattress ad that works perfectly. I'm doing a crazy note shuffle. I had to shuffle. I wasn't ready. Shuffle it up.

While y'all still have images of Shannon's plastic ass, plastic in the ass tangerine bloat going on. Casper in their next board meeting. They're going to be like well they talked about a psychological tangerine stuck up an older lady's ass. Related to Jim J. Bullock somehow.

And that was the intro to our ad. And Tammy Faye. Don't forget Tammy Faye. Tammy Faye. Okay. So Jim J. Bullock is alive. He's from Casper, Wyoming. And guess what?

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Just ask Heather Dubrow. Hers is made of granite. But Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin, $600 for a twin XL, $750 for a full size, $850 for a queen size. That's what I got. $950 for a king size mattress. Casper understands that buying a mattress online can have consumers wondering how this is possible. Buying a Casper mattress is completely risk-free. Casper offers free delivery and returns with a 100-day period. It's that simple.

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Compare that to industry averages. That's an outstanding price point. Get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting www.casper.com slash crappins. That's casper.com slash crappins. And use the promo code crappins that's casper dot com slash crappins and use the promo code crappins terms and conditions apply and people i got one as i mentioned many times and i love it yes ben actually got one not like for free from the ad he actually bought one and did you see that on the

twitter yeah keg loves norway bought herself a casper mattress she's like i actually just bought a casper mattress thanks ben thanks for posting the pictures ben you could be a salesman i know i'm such an influencer people listen i'm an influencer no uh for real uh i i love it i sleep so well except for this morning i woke up early for some reason. I don't know why. It wasn't the mattress fault. It was the sun. Well, you know who doesn't sleep well? People who don't understand what circle jerks are. What's a circle jerk?

David? David? David? David? Google? Google wall. Oh, I can't go on Google. Siri?

It's banned in our household. Siri? I'm changing your name to David. David? Call Siri. David? David, who's Siri? I haven't been asking Siri so many questions. I'm changing your name to David. David, call Siri. David, who's Siri? I haven't been asking Siri so many questions.

I'm here. Why don't you ask me questions? Do you know how that makes me feel? It just gives me so many negative thoughts, David. David, when did you change Siri's accent? You could do that. You could choose a new Siri voice, and it's so weird. I have the Australian lady now.

She's like, yes, I've set it's so weird. I have the Australian lady now, and she's like, Yes, I've set an alarm for 6.45 p.m. Oh, David. Was this Siri more exciting, David? Does regular Siri even know that she's been changed? Siri, do you know that David's changed you to Australian Siri? Siri? Mall house. So Andy brings up Heatheri mall house so andy brings up heather's mall house so this is another huge segment and heather looks like she's on jerry springer about to like they're about to send out

the child that she denied ever having like there's this tension in the room and this music and it's like dun dun dun dun dun dun he's like so your house is bigger than the sunland park mall in el paso texas how does that feel she's like it's hard yeah and she's like, so your house is bigger than the Sunland Park Mall in El Paso, Texas. How does that feel? She's like, it's hard. Yeah. And she's like, well, you know, houses, they don't really have budgets. They just sort of have guidelines of how much you want to spend. And, you know, yes, $150,000 sounds like it's a lot over budget.

But proportionately, it's really just a drop in the bucket. I'm just like everyone else. You know, it's just a matter of percentages. So if you have $20 and you spent $15 on a house, you only have $5 left. Now, I have $20 billion. You see what I mean?

Like, it's the same percentages. Like, it still sucks for both of us. Like, your house doesn't have walls. Mine has a Claire's Boutique and a hot dog on a stick so what i own a hot dog on a stick you shop at one so you know it's like let's meet in the middle hey let's meet at the food court hot dog on a stick we just turned on the fountain how do they drill every fucking time when they're doing work here every time we're in the middle of a podcast they it's like right in front of my door do they want to hear the vicky voices they're like well that's a terrible vicky

voice oh embarrassing do they drill every time we podcast so mall house mall house. Andy is a bitch and compared it to Chateau Charest. He's like, Heather's building a mall. Well, we all remember Chateau Charest. Okay, thanks, Heather. And she's looking all pissed like she's gonna throw a chair. And then, how come Terry doesn't appreciate

it? And she's like, look, it's really hard. You know, yeah, sure, he makes money. I spend money. Both things are hard. They they both involve money what do you want from me and megan goes yeah you know like watching this season back i'm actually really embarrassed for her because like she's underappreciated like who cares he's paying for it it's a lot of work like etchings like glass look it up hashtag justice i know what it's like to be left alone in a house with like a really bad edging that you don't understand yeah yeah i i know what it feels like to have to put in all this time and effort to make an etching and then you put it on the wall and it just looks like a

bunch of ants walking around i gave that etching like a hundred dollars and did its homework and it just like treated me like i was nothing yeah now like the edging doesn't even know if it's gonna go to beauty school like i try hashtag not your real mom justice justice which by the way so this actually brings us to our patreon question um this comes from vivian carson and she asks do you think megan king Edmonds should have her own Discovery ID show and what would the theme song be? Discovery ID. She's like okay today on Megan's Discovery ID we're gonna look behind dressers and see which wives it was. Knowledge. Today on Discovery ID we've discovered

that there are entire buildings dedicated to knowledge and they're called libraries. Let's go inside. Knowledge. Justice. Today on Discovery ID, we asked teenagers,

is it your responsibility to bring your prom dress to prom or your mom's? Respond. Respond to hashtag dress justice. She's now like a reporter. Hi, I'm here at a court

and I want to ask people about what they think about justice. Megan, you're at Heather's food court, not a real court. What? Hashtag justice. Hashtag knowledge. You say you're a news anchor,

but you're not like holding a boat in the middle of the sea. So, like, is it bad language or are you just lying? Justice, court reporter justice, anchor. I called up Webster's and I said, shouldn't anchors be attached to boats? And they said, yes, that's what we normally have, but there's a second definition.

And I said, thank you. Hashtag hung up, hashtag knowledge, hashtag justice and truth. One time I needed to know a word and someone told me Webster's. And so I looked up Webster. What a cute show. God, I'm really rooting for that kid. Justice for Webster. One time I wanted to look up the meaning of anchor.

So someone said, go to Oxford. So I went to, I flew all the way to Oxford, England. And they said, no, we don't have the answer for that we're we're a location and a college but we're not a dictionary hey wait a second I just realized something Webster he just celebrated his 10th birthday his 10th birthday but on Wikipedia it says he's 77 what the heck midget or child justice justice I want to get to the bottom of it. You're hurting children everywhere by pretending to be a midget.

Is your name Webster or is it Emmanuel? Please explain. And if your name is Emmanuel, what are you the manual for? I hope a dictionary. I just really wanted to look up one damn word stupid Webster sent me. But I guess that ship has sailed

because it had no anchor. Can you respond? Thank you. So would there be a theme song? So the question is, would there be a theme song? So of course, this is Watcher Crappins.

We put together some music and we are going to sing the theme song, which course this is watcher crappins we put together some music and we are going to sing the theme song which has previously been unrehearsed and unwritten is everyone ready yeah justice justice justice justice truth truth trutheras don't let everywhere in, but sometimes I go in anyway. Justice. Knowledge. And justice. And truth.

It's fun. This ride takes five minutes to make. I mean, what kind of injustice is that? How many children in Africa died because their rice was cooked wrong? I mean, where's the where's the imaging cancer imaging not done here looking for justice truth jim and tuscan furniture hailey and your mom objection evidence knowledge justice evidence, knowledge, justice. And there you go.

It's a working theme. We'll work on that. And by working, we mean we'll never work on that again. Thank you for answering that question. I think Megan should have a show on Discovery ID. I think that that's an amazing idea. She's like, hello, I've come to investigate this store. Is anybody here?

I guess I'll just wait. I'm always waiting. She'll be one of those local consumer reporters that's like, excuse me, you advertised the penny saver that you're doing a three for one sale, but as far as I can see, you're only doing two for one. Respond. You didn't mention that you had to buy something to get something. Coupon justice. This is Meghan King-Adrian's Hall of Shame so

this was Megan it became about Megan but it was mostly Andy kept trying to turn it to Heather like Heather did something awful this season and really she didn't she was like really nice the whole year so the only thing that people are really on Heather about is being you know trying to pretend she's one of the people when she's acting like an ass and like spending so

much money on a mall house when people are you know like the only reason there aren't bread lines is because we're just too lazy in america now to stand in line for anything we're like well and also who wants carbs hmm who wants carbs exactly like they can have the bread let him eat cake let him eat cake and bread and pretzels for all i care what do i care die early who cares so um andy kept trying to turn it to her and they kept every time he'd be like yes okay okay megan you're alone no one cares so uh heather dun dun dun dun dun dun and then heather would get this really stern face and in this particular segment they started playing

fat clown coconut music but it was violins because it was heather so yeah and she was all pissed so heather's trying to explain marriage and why it seems like she's maybe short with terry or something so she's like look it's you know he's really busy and we've done this before you know we've lived the swan like he was the doctor from the swan now he's living the swan again i can't live the swan one moment and then get married and then botched now that i'm married like i was a swan and now it's botched it's like naming a show i fucked up on my wife's face. Poor thing. I'll hear that. She just needs a hug. Her face just needs a good swan hug.

A good swan hug. And then when they don't quit transforming, it's like, it's transformed into a beautiful swan. Wait, it's melting! Oh, Heather. I loved how you described her as putting on a stern face.

I'm like, that's just Heather. Yeah, that's Heather just trying to read something. Resting Heather face. Yeah. Those really wide eyes. She's about to yell at you. She gets that frown on her face like she's about to read you. But then she's like, well, whatever.

Just swan. The end. Swan. That's how she should respond to everything like that. Well, you know, swan, swan, swan just swan the end that's how she should respond to everything like that well you know swan swan swan swan we had this talk you know back on face number three when we were offered this show and we had this talk because you know marriage and reality here's one over here grab it with your hands here's one over here grab it with your fingertips and then try and marry them historically they don't marry.

It doesn't work. And then they cut to Shannon, who's giving a guilt look like Heather just said. Like Shannon. She's like, oh, well, I guess they don't work. I guess someone told us that, huh? Tangerine. Tangerine. So anyway, it was basically Shannon.

Then, of course, they make it all about themselves, everybody. And Shannon gets this thing because then Andy turns it to Vicky. And he's like, yes, we ruin marriages here on this channel. Hey, you know about that, eh, Vicky? And Vicky's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Because that's Vicky. She's just been tortured.

And she has post-traumatic stress syndrome. That's her in the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I've said I'm sorry. So that's all I can do. My mom's dead.

So. Would you like a Caliente sign? You know, I offered Dan my Caliente sign and he didn't take it. So, you know, what can you do after that point, you know? I have a question for you, Andy. When is stainless steel gonna be stainless

cancer loves tuscan furniture that's why i gotta get rid of it so andy brings up vicky and she's like oh yeah that was real difficult you know what ruin and then shannon keeps looking like he's about to ask her something. The looks on Shannon's face this whole reunion are just hysterical. Cut to Shannon. Cut to Shannon. Anything she might be getting defensive about. And she is.

Every single time they cut to her, she's getting defensive and reactive. And it's never about her. And he's like, so, Vicky, the show ruined your marriage, huh? And she's like, yeah. And Shannon's like, huh? You want to talk about a show? Huh? Ruining a marriage?

He's like, no, your husband cheated, like, the first day. Vicky actually destroyed her over the course of seasons, okay? It's called evolution. You can't just ignore an entire chart, Shannon. Yeah. What about you, darling? So, Vicky, Brooks, wait, he's hurt about Brooks. Oh, Don. Oh, you know hurt about Brooks? Oh, Don.

Oh, you know, Don took all my money, and that's fine. You know, I say give them the money if they ask for it, and don't complain, because I'm Vicky. And how does Don feel? Oh, you know, he's hurt. He won't talk to me. He's hurt about Brooks. He feels like he got betrayed.

But, you know, he's a good man, though. You know, he doesn't take it to social media. And then one of our readers posted a tweet from Don. He basically was saying, yeah, Vicky is paying for Brooks to live in Florida and yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. So I don't know how quiet Don really is. This would be a good time to mention that that Don is not real. That's some fake person. Oh.

And that fake Don has been tweeting for a long time but it's not a typical joke account where he'd be like yeah vicky's vagina was like a football helmet made out of rhinoceros skin you know something like that it's like really trying to be don it's weird it's like making comments as don would brooks it's probably actually brooks probably um speaking of which by the way this is a good time to mention others. Well, you give Brooks money. There's some other gossip that was posted on our Facebook page. I'm just going to assume it was Michael Cook because he's really good about posting gossip. I will verify that in all of three seconds.

Is Michael Cook or Cindy C on the case? It's one of them or one of our many lovely listeners. Let's see if I can... I'm going to pull it up right now. But basically, the headline says that Vicky is considering getting a restraining order. It is Michael... It is... Oh, no.

It's Michael Horn. Wow. What a fake-out. Another monosyllabic Michael last name. Cool. Okay. Well, that kind of leads me into a theory for the end of my conspiracy for theory for the end and someone on our facebook even uh suggested this too so i can't be the only one this time

it's not complete paranoia but um so here's where vicky's going with this her behavior has been so weird and bizarre and she's just doing that thing where she shuts down and refuses to fight and then this entire reunion every question that comes up about brooks and how disgusting he is and brianna and we'll get into that more detail but vicky's reaction every single time is just like completely shut down and oh you would think that i would notice that about him but i didn't oh you would think that i would choose my daughter over him but you know i couldn't she's starting to turn this into she's a big victim thing don't be surprised when her mental abuse storyline comes out of the oven because it's coming she's like she's already starting to deny everything as if it's some trauma from being

with brooks and he was so terrible that he traumatized her and this was all some weird abuse it's like another weird fake housewife suggested abuse story. Although Vicky was in an abusive relationship back in the day, so it wouldn't be crazy. So she says this story, this is from realmrhousewife.com, and the story is basically a story about something that was reported in Radar. But basically it's set, which of course, LOL, Radar Online. But now a story is surfacing that Vicky is taking measures to keep Brooks away from her.

Vicky has allegedly been fearing Brooks for a while. According to Radar's source, Brooks had been sitting in a rental car outside of her insurance business and Vicky said he almost seemed to be taunting her. When asked, Ayers confirmed to Radar, I was at the building where Vicky works because my attorney is there also.

I could see how that could get misconstrued, but there was nothing else than that. Vicky and I are on civil terms. Oh, good. Shady. That is very shady. He's shady, of course, and he looked kind of meth-y last time we saw him, but I wanted to say something about the last time we talked about this

because we were talking with Heather. A couple things. First, we're like, he has no signs of cancer. And then, a few minutes later, we're like, yeah, but he's doing that weird Michael J. Fox nod and licking his lips a lot and looking around. He looks like he's coming down with epilepsy. Duh, maybe that is signs from his cancer.

Who knows? But I still don't buy it. I don't buy it. Because he will go give hour-long interviews on Entertainment Tonight or whatever, but say that his medical records are private. Like, you're on fucking TV talking about your medical records. Yeah, I don't believe him. But anyway, wanted to clarify that. And also that the Judices did not get rated on Christmas. That was a false story.

Oh, okay. All right, you see? So at least I'll correct myself sometimes. Okay, yeah, so anyway, I think Vicky is going to start playing this whole abuse thing because he's tarnished her reputation so bad. Can I correct something also, please? May I?

As long as we're correcting. Last week I said that Tamara threw a dog collar or leash at Simonon and he called the cops it was actually the other way around simon threw the collar at time at tamra and then she she took on the court oh my god we should do a whole episode on shit we just tell wrong yeah like guys if you're coming here for real news oh wait a second sorry misread misread the twitter feed it's like whoa whoa um so anyway i don't know why i felt the need to say that but that is a pretty dark thing but i see it from fucking vicky because now she's gonna have to make herself the victim somehow so that she can get everyone to talk to her again she is a victim in some sense the guy is a con artist he's a he's a he's a crook but she knew

all that stuff she was married when they met they both met when they were on some insurance thing she reads all the blogs you think she doesn't have a fucking google alert set for brooks and her and brianna and everybody she knows like she knows she read all that shit that's been coming out for years about him being a yeah but i don't know but when you're about cancer and conning people out of shit listen when you're a patsy you're a patsy you know you know like she may have read that stuff and and she was like, no, not my Brooks. They got it all wrong about Brooks. It's like, no, bitch. You got had.

I don't believe that Vicky's innocent. Oh, my God. I think that she knew he was a shithead and stayed with him because, you know, desperate or whatever. Well, that's probably a two. Low self-confidence, which I'll have empathy for that. But, like, you't get i think she had blinders for this long and then get to say you're a victim get the fuck out of here when you've caused this much trouble and he's done this much shit you chose dick over everything else that's it don't don't be coming trying to come up with something now that you're a victim get out of here yeah all right um so the next thing

let's just drop that. Too angry. Too angry about something that completely doesn't involve you. Okay, moving on. No, it's more like I know that we have three other shows to recap. And we're going through every single minute detail. So now Jim Edmonds

comes out on the reunion. And Andy's starstruck because Andy is a big St. Louis Cardinals fan. Andy was starstruck. He was super starstruck. He's like, hey, hi. Oh, wow. So what I love is that like, so Andy, so Jim is like describing stuff. He's like, you know, it's weird because, you know, you know you only see you know five percent of all my interactions with megan and the rest are like

really good and funny all my friends know that like it's we're fun and everyone's laughing but you all you see are the bad things and you just see the bad parts of hailey and that was weird you know yeah like that scene where i was telling megan to just shut the fuck up because i said so and i do whatever i want she needs to shut the fuck up and shut her stupid mouth like we were watching that episode with friends and our friends were like laughing hysterically so it's like then you go on twitter and people are mad and you're like well maybe it's just because you like maybe like you just didn't have the same snacks we did at our viewing party like i don't know but like fuck people you know yeah like maybe next time you guys

should have those like really awesome orange crackers that have the peanut butter in between them like that might change your perspective on it what are those called again i don't remember but we need to know that was an injustice that poor cracker company that's not the natural color of crackers i want to get to the bottom of it i wouldn't eat those crackers i was like crackers you're not supposed to be orange. And they were like, ugh. They said these were cheese crackers, but I know for a fact those were crackers, not cheese.

But I love that Andy asked Megan. He's like, Megan, how does Jimmy get away with treating you like a child? How do you let Jimmy get away with treating you like a child? And she's let jimmy get away with treating you like a child and she's like i don't and he's like he's like yeah she doesn't and then i just was imagining afterwards jimmy be like you're grounded exactly he's like now wipe the applesauce off your face you stupid bitch he is very asshole-ish through this whole thing, and it's so funny. And he's trying to just maintain his calm. He's like, yeah, in football, it's football, right?

Baseball. In baseball, guys just will see each other in the locker room, and no one's fighting. It's like a bunch of bush and back hair and jock itch. That's it. It's like, what, are you going to fight with jock itch? No. You scratch yourself and you move. So I, I'm not used to like drama Queens, like making a drama out of everything,

you know? It's like, yeah, you know, there's like, there's like, there's no like drama in baseball, you know,

guys, men are just more even keeled and they have no emotions. Like for instance, every time the dugouts clear out and we all run onto the field and it looks like we're all punching each other and fighting and acting like huge assholes who are out of control. That's actually our way of just showing that we are, like, all friends. Yeah, it's like, at the end of the day, it just comes down to, like, maybe a slight, like, butt jealousy. Like, it's totally normal, like, for a guy to be jealous that some other guy has a bigger baseball butt than he does, you know? And that's just it. You're like, fuck you and die because your butt's nicer, you know?

It's not like, oh, you're going to be divorced again. And Andy's like, well, what does it feel like when, you know, V not like oh you're gonna be divorced again uh and andy's like well what does it feel like when you know vicky says things like have fun in your customer vicky oh yeah call me in five years when you're divorced and need no god insurance got what is active god active god insurance jim and uh jim's like yeah well sometimes you just don't say anything because she's not worth it it's not worth it it. Like he got a little like overly, he's overly angry man on the Bravo. Well,

I mean, he, she was way out of line when she made those comments. And I think he, I think in that case, he actually had a right to say something nasty to her in a, in a veiled way. So I was,

I actually supported that. What I thought was funny was that Vicky's mayor cult, I was like, Oh, you know, I had it wrong. What, you know,

you know, Brooks had said that like for the first two months, they'd been married for four months, and two months, they'd been challenging. I guess I got it wrong. It wasn't two months. It was just, like, two fights, you know. So that's it.

I thought Brooks had two months, you know, two weeks, two times. It was just misspoken, you know. I mean, it turns out Brooks is a cancer, you know. That's when he was born. And I said, what you're saying, you said a cancer. And I said, you have cancer. And he said, I do. And then, you know, it's just, you know, it's a huge snowball hill.

You throw a snowball hill down a hill before you know it, it hits somebody else with cancer. And they fall over and die. And suddenly it's your fault. I love how, I love how, like, she's just like, oh, well, you know, Brooks gave me the wrong information. You know, no big deal. And yet, for some reason, when he tells her that he has cancer, she's like, he has cancer. Like, I'm not going to question it.

Like, his credibility is already busted. He told you two months. And it was two times. I wish that I knew about his lying about conversations on the golf course back when he told me he had cancer. So thanks for hiding it. Hey, Jim, thanks for never calling me because you could have saved this entire season.

So thanks. Wait a second. Wait a second wait a second stop it as usual vicky will be nicer to anybody who's richer than her ain't gonna fight with heather ain't gonna fight with fucking jim she'll fight with megan because she knows megan will just be poor again and then megan goes into this whole thing she's like yeah people just don't understand our relationship and like i want, I want people to know that, like, I have a prenup because I insisted on it. Because I was like, well, I'm marrying an older rich guy and giving up my career. Like, I don't want his money. And so, like, I want everybody to know that.

Like, I married him for, like, not his future money, like his current money, you know? So, like, it's important. And Vicky just had that look like, oh, well, you know, have fun in five years when your kids are sleeping on a mattress. The kids you don't have are sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Megan's like, oy vey, or should I say soy vey, hashtag teriyaki chicken. Hashtag minarets.

If anybody ever tried to make Jewish food food with soyaki don't do it i once tried to make matzo ball soup with tomato soup it didn't work so why are you mean why are you mean to megan and treat why are you why are you treating megan like a child uh she's like literally a child okay blah blah blah husband stuff and then andy's like okay thank you for coming by jim can i have your autograph and then jim lean and then and then it's like oh yeah megan so you lied vicky you're saying right now you lied when you were clarifying because like you clarified it or were you lying like what was the fact and what was fiction like she started this huge drama he's like not in mood who cares you're like you're like that back scratcher I get for Christmas.

It's too skinny. It's not ever going to be used by anything. But you know, no one will throw it away. So I just let it sit there. And I can always get a new one at the car wash. Okay. Gretchen back scratch. Okay. Is that what

happened to the last back scratch? You said to me, no wonder they're taking her kids away. Oh, so then Heather came for Vicky big time on this one. This kind of came out of nowhere. Because Vicky's like, oh, I didn't lie, you know. I just want to clarify. I wasn't lying. I just wasn't telling the truth, you know, because the truth I knew was a lie, which was a lie of the truth.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm taking away. And then Heather, yeah, then Heather was like, well, you were kind of, like, in a mood that night, because the next thing you said was you made a joke about Tamara's kids and the custody, and they cut to this joke that Vicky makes where she, because first they show footage of Tamara walking

around with, like, a strap-on dangling around, and she's like, hey, bitches! And then Vicky's like, oh, God, they're gonna take away her other kid now, you know? And she's laughing, and she's saying, oh, I don't know if she wants away her other kid now you know and she's laughing and she's saying oh I don't know if she wants to be doing that you know she's already lost custody of one you know you want him to come get the other one

I don't know about that and Heather says she's an exemplary mother she's an amazing mother she's fantastic she's amazing did you just say that did I just hear what you just said did I just hear that but they cut from heather going she's an amazing mother to tamra slapping the dildo on the side of her thighs at her sex

party while talking about her fake baptism exactly and then tamra's and then tamra like looks at vicky and she's like you can't do that you can't make those jokes i'm like okay this is ridiculous it was a joke and it wasn't said to your face you know and i you know i know that shady, like it's okay to say it behind your back, but it was just like a little joke. It was useless and C-wordy of her to say it, period. But she did have a point. I mean, Tamara's – she did lose custody. She's having a sex party, tying a huge black dildo to herself and slapping people with it on national TV. Like, Vicky's kind of got a point.

She might have wanted to say that to Tamara at some point. Like, that's a smart, but I don't think that being on the housewives in general is really helping a custody case for anybody. Exactly. And then Shannon sees as a chance to pile on. She's just,

wow. Wow. Whoa. She was going through a custody thing with her kid. Can you believe that? Said that about a woman losing her. Did you see that innocent woman slapping people with a dildo? She had a cat face.

Who is mean to cats? I mean, shove a tangerine down my throat and call me shocked. Wow. Wow. Vicky, I can't believe it. Hope you have luck on the way home finding a cat with a big leather dildo that you could run over. Ha! Have fun with that.

My favorite is that they're all like, all of a sudden they all have this stupid outrage. And Vicky just dismisses it. She goes, sorry about that. Yeah, she's like, sorry. Whatever, sorry. Sorry about that. Moving on. Gratitude.

Who wants a rooster? Megan was trying to cry in this part, too. Shannon's going, ha! And then it cuts to Megan. And Megan's like, trying to pretend in this part too shannon's going and then it cuts to megan and megan's like trying to pretend she's crying i'm so sure and then heather is going off i would not ever say that about my friend going off it's like really okay i get that you're you've picked sides at this point but maybe pick your battles better because this when you're fighting goliath but it's not for david it's like for hagrid you know like they're both she's very idiots let them fight it out

themselves she's like you know what when vicky was saying that jim and i were going to divorce it didn't hurt me it didn't hurt jim it hurt hayley like oh please did not hurt hayley it hurt hayley's comment that's why it's not coming back for another 104 years. Wikipedia justice! It hurt Hayley because she got distracted and her lean cuisine came out boiling hot and she burnt her fingers. I had to look up how many points is a burnt lean cuisine

because, like, charred things make things higher in calories. Thanks a lot for making Hayley fat. I just slurred coffee at myself through my adult bottle. What the hell? You're supposed to be... You're not supposed to make accidents, bottle. That's why I have a bottle.

Sorry, Bane. Well, then we move on to the Shannon part. Shannon stuff. It goes on to the Shannon part. That's all the world needs what does shannon feel about david hey shannon everyone's wondering what about your marriage oh god make it stop so uh shannon starts talking about like you know i think the question is like why did you air all this and she's like i did not hear my story to punish david and he she's like, I deny the art of my story to punish David. And Heather's like, I would have.

I would have. I was like, yes, we know you would have, Heather. I would have taken a Nabisco commercial just to spite him so that he knows I'm on TV. And then when they asked me for the tagline, I wouldn't say anything about crispiness. I'd say Terry DuBois is a cheater.

And then everyone who ate Nabisco's would know. You know why they included that whole onion ring scene two seasons ago Bravo didn't want to have that but I was like no we need to have that in there to shame Terry for his bad taste punishment Terry punishment if Terry ever did that to me I'd have a spin off show about

the glass etching being redone into just a bunch of broken branches on the ground and Terry sleeping on a park bench somewhere because I have all this money! So then Shannon was saying, yeah, well, you know, one thing I've learned, this show has actually brought us closer together, because it started

the day the show happened, so that wasn't good. But, you know, after that, he had an affair, and I realized, well, I was being meaner to David than I even thought I was being so mean to David that he went out and had an affair! I realized, whoa, I was being meaner to David than I even thought I was being so mean to David that he went out and had an affair. And then the lady's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, who blames themselves?

Do you ever see someone in the middle of a crosswalk saying, I'm sorry you hit me, bus? No, the bus hit them. You sued the bus. She's like, no, well, you know, if they were standing in the middle of the crosswalk, refusing to smile at the bus or ask the bus how its day was, of course it's going to want to run him down. No! Fuck that bus!

Well, you know, poor people have to get around somehow. Oh, Alfredo, that's true. He does have 20 jobs. Make buses faster! Here lies Shannon Bedore, struck by a bus full of David's infidelity and mistress's. It's both a concept and a real thing. Well, I don't have any quarters. Thankfully, I could pay with my pride.

David truly threw me under the bus when he cheated on me with a bus driver. David? David? Do you get free bus rides? I looked up it, and I could see up the bus driver's skirt. So does that make us an open couple? We've both seen up there. The wheels on David's affair go round and round,

round and round, round and round. So Shannon tried to take a little, you know, like she was being mean to David. She's like, well, I mean, the whole year we'd go to dinner, I think once in four years, and we were intimate. Well, one time I let him unwrinkle my bra strap. It was tied around. That was good.

And that was about three years ago. So, you know, of course, his penis wanted to explore the world. And Tamara's like, listen, you are the victim, not him. I'm like, okay, you're not wrong. Well, Tamara said that, too. Oh, Tamara said it? Oh, I thought Heather was like. Unless I hit it in a bit, she can't tell us, yeah. You're not wrong. But, well, Tamara said that too. Oh, Tamara said it? Oh, I thought Heather was like. Unless I hit it in a bit, she can't tell it's Tamara.

Yeah. No, because Heather was like, you either fix the problem or you leave. You don't cheat. Yeah. I would be done. Okay. Heather, I get it. But Tamara, when Tamara's like, you're the victim.

I'm like, you know what? Let's just stop right there. I'm remembering this now. She did say that. That's right. It's her moment of know what let's just stop right there i'm remembering this now she did say that that's right it's like a moment of empowerment right there like we may not agree with somebody's marriage and obviously we say our own opinions but like when your friend is like my husband cheated and i'm gonna stay it's not like leave your victim like she's you know she's taking responsibility for whatever her problem and the relationship being bad was not that he cheated you know it's like the relationship needed work and he cheated and now he's not cheating and we're

working on the relationship it's not excusing him cheating for christ's sake people calm down and also she's still married and you're going through like a miserable custody battle in a divorce and i'm not even dissing you for it i'm just saying you know maybe marriage advice isn't the best yeah exactly so then the show actually takes a break and we have our little, our mini scene, which is that the revelation is that Vicky doesn't know that a horse is a mammal and that stingrays are fish. And she's, and because for some reason they're questioning Vicky. Oh, I guess because she said that a shark is a mammal. She's like, oh, look at those sharks. Those crazy mammals. So then she's like,

they're like, okay, Vicky, what's a stingray? And she's like, I don't know. Is it a mammal? And they're like, no, it's a fish. And she's like, well, it's a mammal to me. I'm like, oh, well, thank God. Everyone, breaking news.

Stingrays are now mammals because they're mammals to Vicky. This is like Alexis Bellino when there was some word that she would always say incorrectly. She's like, well, that's just the way I would say it. That's just how I said it. That's the way I've always said it. That's not the way things work. Okay, just because you've always said something wrong or thought something wrong does not make it right all of a sudden.

Actually, it does kind of eventually because if people just keep saying the wrong word then it ends up in the dictionary like they put it in there like they'll spell it wrong because we all spell it she's just trying to make it a thing it's like or in the wiki in the wiki of language it would be like this was a word until real housewives of orange county changed it forever yeah or it's like when people say on accident instead of by accident oh that drives me nuts megan did it on the reunion. She's like, oh, on accident. I was like, ah, justice for grammar. Yeah, it's the economy homework, not English, okay?

I did the economy homework on accident instead of grammar. So sharks are not mammals. Wow. Stingrays are not mammals. Now I'm getting confused. I'm like, wait, are sharks secret? Is that like a trick question? No, sharks are not mammals. But then how did I braid a shark's hair? You didn't. I'm like, wait, are sharks secret? Is that like a trick question? No, sharks are not mammals.

But then how did I braid a shark's hair? You didn't. I sure did. I got pictures of it. I got a binder. No, you don't. Oh, okay. Well, whatever.

That shark has cancer. That's what I thought. So, you know, victim. Shannon. Oh, and then they come back from this like, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, coconut to, so Shannon, let's talk more about, I was like, oh, God. There you go. And they're like, Shannon, let's talk more about... I was like, oh, God. And they're like, Shannon, stand up for yourself.

And she's like, oh, what? You think I didn't? I used to tell him, David, I'm going to leave. David, if you don't, David, I said, close the garage door or I'm out. Okay, David, that's it. David, where are you going? David, David. I stood in the cul-de-sac so many times and said, David, your car's getting smaller. David, turn around. Are you turning? All right, David, your car's getting smaller. David, turn around.

Are you going to U-turn? Are you U-turning? All right, David, just turn down the street. Well, I'm going to try again later because I don't give up. David, you better not be going to that Japanese restaurant to drink sake like you never used to. David. David. His car's getting smaller as it goes down.

I hope his car didn't have some sake. That just makes everybody crazy. Who told you you could have sake? and have some sake. I mean, that just makes everybody crazy. Who told you you could have sake? So anyway, we get some insight into the big scandal from last year, which is something we touched on with Heather.

And it's something that we would talk about last year. I mean, we've always been Shannon fans. But even last season, we would frequently ding Shannon for constantly saying, I can't believe you shared this thing with all of Orange County as she's saying it on TV,

much as she has this season. So we found out that sort of an elaboration of the controversy from last season was that Shannon told Tamara that they were having problems, that David was moving out.

I don't think she said anything about the affair. But then Tamara told Heather, as don't think she said anything about the affair, but then Tamara told Heather, as we know, cause Tamara was like, Hey, like take it, take it easy on Heather and Tamara. We always were on Tamara's side for saying that we never thought that Tamara was crazy for saying like,

I'm not taking it easy on Heather. Take it easy on Shannon. We never thought Tamara was crazy for saying that that was reasonable. And then Heather was telling her friends. So what we learned was that one of Heather's friends at the table then texted the mistress uh about what was going on and the mistress texted david and then david texted shannon and shannon was uh was filming live with tamra when that happened which is yeah i actually had to rewind this to see what happened because it's so many details i was like wait she texted somebody who truly

the game of telephone somebody but i thought that it was the mistress who was there who was texting right no no but it was a friend of the mistress because then at the end heather goes and that's what i knew that's the girl that's your girl right there. And I was like, what? So Heather actually solved a mystery. And more fucking justice over there. Just as like, I'll get them next time. I'm proud of you. At least we're on the same team.

Inspector Justice. That's her other theme song. That's the closing theme song to her show. If the opening theme song is sort of sporadic uses of the word justice. She never gets actual justice. Yeah, she gets close. She's like, go, go, catch it. And then she pulls the thing down and the propeller's like coming out of her hat.

Where's Brain? Where's Brain and Penny? Oh, Brain got euthanized. What? Hayley, will you be my Penny? Penny has to use a book, and we know about Hayley's feelings in books. Penny gave up books and is now a whore

tweeting books. And her name is Ola. So, shucks! Arms shaking in air. Heather, this came at lunch, blah, blah, blah. So, kids are excited to watch. Aren't you ashamed to exploit your children? And then Shannon goes through this.

Well, my kids have bigger smiles now than they ever have. Sure, they've seen this on TV, but they think it's funny. It's worth the shame. We're so close now. And then Megan again tries to put some strange spin on this. She's like, I would like to congratulate Shannon for having such vocal kids. I think that's really wonderful. What are you even talking about?

Vocal kids. I mean, she's like, because there are a lot of families that would just repress it. I'm like, well, yeah, that's bad. But it's also really not good that it's so present in these kids' lives that it's actually normalized. It's terrible. It's a bad situation. Denise from Delucy wants to know, aren't you embarrassed that you couldn't even pull it together

at your birthday dinner in front of your kids? Couldn't you just pretend you were happy for five minutes for your kids? What do you think of that, Shannon? It was a gastropub. It was fat. There was sugar. If you teach children to be happy at gastropubs, they're going to have gastrointestinal issues for the rest of their life.

And what kind of mother would I be then, Twitter? What, you just want me to serve them a whole bunch of tangerines? Is that what you want me to do next? And then Megan's like, well, I mean, look, I give you credit because when you're in a restaurant and you're not happy, like, you should say something because otherwise everybody's going to get really fattening ribs and then nobody's going to be happy. So, like, you gave the world rib justice. should say something because otherwise everybody's going to get really fattening ribs and then nobody's going to be happy. So like I applaud you. You gave the world rib justice. I applaud you for being a vocal

restaurant person. What about me? What about me? Yeah, I applaud you too. I applaud everyone except for Vicky. Well, that's fine. You know, that's okay. I could go weeks now without having a negative thought. Weeks? I could go weeks now without thinking of until I go to a mall and that woman is there.

Or one time I went to an event and she was there. And then another time I saw her in a parking lot and I thought, well, this woman never leave me alone. What is she stalking me for a parking space now? David, I want a list of every handicapped spot you passed up in the car with this woman. But I still will not have negative thoughts. That is correct. No more negative thoughts. Even when I go to get my film developed, I don't have negative thoughts, even while looking at a negative.

And yes, I still use film because I'm old school like that, and I like small butts and film. To me, learning to deal with negativity was a very important part of photography class. I don't know what everybody's problem is. You must not take pictures. Whatever happened to the art of pictures? You know what I used to do? I used to take pine cones and other knickknacks and put them on that photo paper

and take them into the dark room and they develop as little white shapes on the paper. And you know what? You know what that taught me? It taught me that I can go into dark places now and I can emerge okay. Now I know what Kodak felt. Now I know what Picasso felt when Kodak was born.

Resentment's normal. Future. Future. Heather, please tell me you'll be having a dark room in your new mansion, because I would like to visit it. Helps me deal with my negative thoughts. So the next thing, Andy threatened to bring this mistress out, which would only, it's like feeding a stray. Don't do it,

Andy. So he didn't. And they bring out our favorite stray Brianna. Brianna. So cute. Brianna comes out wearing almost exactly Shannon's eggplant dress, by the way. And it was like the most awkward who wore it best I've ever seen,

because honestly, neither. It's like some glued on jewels from Dillard's on to like a dress from last year stop it and I love how Andy's first question was like so how you liking Oklahoma she's like I hate it it's really like in the beginning was

like yeah it's cool we have a lot of space here it's nice and then was like well I don't really have any friends and it's a little boy well you know I never get out to eat there's nothing going on now it's like I hate it get me out of here feel your sister i feel like that's why they keep guns legal in oklahoma andy so you can shoot yourself and you can't take it anymore okay so uh brian what you know when brianna shows up at

the reunion you know what that means one thing and one thing only it's time to bash brooks and so it's interesting because the first few seasons we were on Brianna's side, right? And then there was that one period of time where I think everyone was kind of exhausted by it and everyone was like, you know what, Brianna? It's time to move on. Yeah, he's shady, but your mom likes him, so

you have to get over Brianna. And now it's kind of like, that was like Gretchen and Tamara being friends. A strange aberration, because now we're back. And now Brianna is hating Brooks once again and we're back on her side. And this year the revelation is that Brooks hit on Brianna. And then Vicky told Brianna that she was a liar about it and that Brooks would never want her. And Megan's like, that's so messed up.

That is every drug addict uh terrible mother on cable it's like every mother character from angelica houston angelica houston in the grifters that's what that is it's your fault it's your fault my boyfriend slept with you child it's like whoa oh that is textbook white trash blaming fucking molestation on. I mean, she's an adult, so it's not. But you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Someone's going to get attacked with a sack of oranges or tangerines. Angelica Houston didn't give away granite countertops. But, you know, she also, I think, dies at the end. So, you know, there you go. That's true. You go, Vicky, learning from Angelica's mistakes. So then Brooks. So then Brianna says that Brooks wanted to show her his dick and that his name was Girth Brooks. Yes.

Yeah. He was joking about his dick with her and said, you want to see my dick? They call me Girth Brooks and blah, blah, blah. I'm skimming through this because I have so many notes on Vicky and Brianna. And then at the end, I was like, are you crazy? Stop. Like are you crazy stop like who cares we weren't we knew oh and then vicky tries that well we broke up you know so there you go and of course brianna does not believe that for one second nobody believes it everyone knows that but vicky was being very calm like the you know in the past to come well well i think that was like an admission of guilt she's starting her

no she's starting her oh well yeah of course i let him abuse you because he abused me and that's what people do. Mark my words. She, well, it's weird. Vicky, when she finally comes to terms with being wrong, she's usually pretty good about saying that she was wrong. But I think she's in a phase that she is starting to realize like, holy holy shit, I fucked up, but I'm not ready to say I fucked up yet. So she was just sort of very calm because in the past she would have just started yelling at Brianna. But Brianna, so apparently Brooks says that he's going to sue Brianna and Megan now. Vicky basically is in damage control for her reputation and her job on the show, basically.

Because she says Brianna, she says multiple times when Brianna says all of this stuff, Vicky's reaction when they say, how could you not believe Vicky? What do you even have to say to this allegation? She's like, well, she's my daughter, so I believe her because I have to believe my daughter. And that's just how it goes. I believe my daughter. She kept saying stuff like that. Like, well, you know, my daughter said it. So there it's true because my daughter said it.

You know, she's trying all this stuff that now she's listening to brianna so well and she's not questioning anything because brianna said it but she doesn't believe that she's not going to change her mind in one week and well and brianna was saying that she spoke with her grandma not not too long before she died and that the grandma did not like brooks and no one likes brooks and everything and vicky's just like so something felt weird but then the best part was that then andy teased his uh his interview with fidgety coked up brooks and he's like i'm sorry i couldn't go to the reunion because of a scheduling conflict i'm like what is on your schedule brooks yeah what is on it was there like a sale at the pancake house or something i mean what what could you possibly be doing it's like our pirated photoshop

was paused because it tried to have an internet connection and next thing you know i was done making medical documents it was uh two for one uh putt putt the other day so i really couldn't miss that event sometimes you refuse to have lunch but photoshop won't let you refuse so you have lunch what can I tell you? So he was, Brooks was, oh man, he was shifty. So yeah, I feel like we talked about it because we did with Heather. But for those of you, yeah, like we, obviously, der, we have to talk about it again.

Where the reunion, that guy was like crazy. That guy looked totally methed out. That guy looked like he was making fun of Michael J. Fox, honestly. Like his head was like popping back and forth he had the coke jaw clenched alley sheedy trying to act clench you know when she would get yeah coke jaw um shifty drinking his water lying lying lying everything that comes out of that man's mouth is a lie everything yeah it's you know what it was it

was like a cornered animal because normally he's very calm and he has a smile like a politician. But now it's kind of like all his lies are crumbling around him and people are being more skeptical than ever before and now he's cornered and he's going to try to attack and go in attack mode. But it's not working, Brooks.

Yep, and as usual, he's not giving any real answers uh jaw clicking slur country lawyer talk twitch what the fuck oh yeah i was just writing twitch over and over because he'd be like well i'll tell you the details of the case or that if you look at the evidence in the case of the whatnot then you'll understand the preliminary of the objection it's like what are you even talking about dude yeah you're not even making fucking sentences uh i don't blame and then andy says do you blame the show because you know i mean like for a paycheck everyone pretends not to blame the show so i'm interested to hear who you would blame and he's like oh i don't blame the show i'll blame the women and brianne i'm getting australian brianna too oh he's so gross and you know he should blame brianna in a way because she did hate him and try

and ruin it but he's gross she saw she saw you yeah she saw you fucker so we have one more family doesn't hate me i went on vacation with ronda oh well there's some fucking evidence idiot yeah well we have one i'm so sorry ben they're after her money i keep going seeing more books things so he says basically that everybody's motivation to lie is. They're after her money. I keep seeing more Brooks things. So he says basically that everybody's motivation to lie is that they're after his money. And Brianna's like, yeah, I make six figures. So bye. Not true.

You think Brianna leans on Vicky. And then Brianna said they're showing this interview. And, you know, in the bottom box, it's usually either Tamara looking like she can't believe somebody's such a batch or Shannon looking really like, Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. Or this time it was just Brianna, but instead of just her face,

it's Brianna going, you lying sack of shit. Yeah. She could not believe what she was hearing. She could not believe it. Brianna's mystery science theater 3000-ing the whole thing, but like cursing it out so good. Yeah, she practically had her middle fingers out being, fuck you.

And a little more evidence pointing to this becoming Vicky's abuse storyline is when Tamara said, Yeah, Vicky, it's not your fault. He consumed your soul. He consumed your soul. You, like, consumed your soul. You couldn't do anything. Like, he had part of you. And I was like, oh, my God. They're already prepping. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

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to hear a little less, and a little bit more. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List,

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i know um so uh that's it for that right that is it for that let's move on to another show what would you like oh i don't know just a quickie on jersey or do you want to do like a whole thing i mean i can't imagine that we'd have let's save Jersey for last in case because you know what people just want to turn off well I mean the thing is this

we have two really worthwhile shows to discuss and Jersey was so awful I don't want to like I don't want it to be that if we run out of gas I think it would be like an injustice to run out of gas on like Blow Duck or Ladies of London

if anything we can run out of gas on on Jersey because it was such a huge waste of time. Fucking Bravo did, that's for sure. Yeah, tell me about it. So why don't we go on to Ladies of London? Let's do it. Note shuffle, note shuffle.

Okay, so it starts off with our typical opening montage. And this time I took a page out of the Ronnie Caron book and I wrote down some of the lyrics of the generic public domain music that they used. And it was like, I was raised in Buckingham Palace. So don't tell me that I'm the one that's jealous. Suit and tie, I think you're looking so fine.

I could have anything I ever wanted. I was like, what is this stupid song? And then it stops. It's like, stop is this stupid song? And then it stops. It's like, stop. And then it cuts to one of the ladies doing a wacky getting ready thing. And it's like, Juliet. And she's like, come on, kids. Dad's not here. Get in the car.

Lonely. Don't be jealous, cause I'm a rich princess. Don't be jealous, cause I'm a rich princess. I was raised in Buckerhorn Palace. I can have anything I want And then Marissa She's like I have some pheasants that I killed the other day Maybe look out there

Maybe a bullet in there It's a short it's not a bullet It's the same thing right Stupid Americans You're from America and you don't know how a bullet works Why are you jealous of the Pokemon Palace? And then it cuts to Caroline, just,

she's like trying on a bag. She's like, oh, takes it off. She doesn't even say anything. She just has this look like, who the fuck designed this stupid bag

and tricked me into putting it on my shoulder. Pauline, don't be jealous cause Pauline and bags london fashion week oh no but first it's fleming yeah start music pause i can't look at a room with a sofa that's not fluffed it's just really bizarre really bizarre how lucky are you i love the guys who are standing whenever i scream like that

they stop and look in here like i'm the noisy one i'm not the one taking care of windowsills with this voice i probably could uh so fashion week there's london fashion week and the music was like all of a sudden tense for no reason and marison julietta in the front seat and we learned that it's fashion for ebola so i'm like expecting like all these hot hazmat suits to come down the catwalk but it's just you know models naomi campbell to celebrate fashion for ebola we're celebrating artists that you may have heard we're going to be a big deal once but they never were except for in africa go ebola fashion fashion is sort of like ebola you know once you once you have fashion in you you have to be quarantined off with people who just know fashion also that's it this fashion is just like ebola it's very difficult to get

and only the thin survive. So speaking of Annabelle, Annabelle then comes walking down the catwalk. Fashion me! She got to walk after Naomi too. It was like, first is Naomi Campbell and then Rose from the Golden Girls

and then Annabelle! And Marissa's like, look, there's someone famous over there. And Juliet's like, yeah, it's so cool. Because, like, I remember one time I was at Fashion Week one time. And I remember, like, this really famous Claudia Schiffer came. And then there was this other really one, like, Naomi Campbell came down. And then this one that I didn't know. And I was like like who is that and now i'm like friends with that girl i didn't know back then like like she's still walking down runways and i'm still like why but like yay friends

so life is all great and happy with them and then um and then we go to the gift library where it's empty and it's just caroline and rainia and pauline and pauline looks like she's about to shit herself because basically it's shutting down yeah pauline's like jowl shaking over there she's like she's she's has like that vibration thing going on like she's sitting on a washing machine it's like the final meeting it's this is the end and it's like car like Caroline and Rene and Pauline all in the office. Caroline's like, I hate this. I feel terrible.

It's the worst day of my life. Literally the worst day of my life. Rene, tissues. Pauline, garbage bag. But Pauline, she's losing her shit. And she's like, these things are never pleasant, mom. Never pleasant. It's like, oh, yes.

You know what else isn't pleasant? Shitting in a hole or whatever they do in China. She made some offhanded joke. And they're all like, ha, ha, ha. Raina goes, this isn't funny, Mom. This isn't funny, Mom. Bad news. This isn't funny, Mom.

Bad news, Mom. You made a tasteless joke. Everyone's fired. I don't know why you're joking, mum. Don't say it. Renia, laugh louder. Laugh. Pauline, laugh and cry at the same time.

Laugh. Laugh. Very bad. And then they turned off the beehives. It's like Benny Rubble eating Count Chocula. That was so sad. I was like, goodbye. Goodbye.

Flynn's like, hey, ma'am, I'm off to the pub. I go, right. At the end of the day, I never should have hired 90 people. I only should have hired four. I should have hired Raina to call Valentina, to call Pauline, to call Amber, to call Jose. I mean, that was just my imaginary intent, darling. But the rest of these people you don't have to pay. They're called interns.

Thank you, Twitter. By the way, I want to say that um monday afternoon i was i had food poisoning and i was sitting lying there on bed and i was like really not feeling well i could barely focus and the most amazing thing happened which is that somehow you me, another Twitter account, Bitch by Bravo, and someone else. We all wound up in this crazy Twitter conversation. Well, like CC'd on this crazy Twitter conversation that Caroline was having with Sophie and Luke. It was like back and forth for like an hour. It was like every two seconds my phone was like, and it was all of them.

And they were being hilariously mean to each other. It was the most wonderful thing. did you read any of that stuff um i read some of it but i get confused by twitter i'm like what are they talking about why are they still talking what are they doing they'll be like you are oh you're so bad no you are no because like but it was amazing because well it started because you had tweeted out to everyone the picture of Sophie doing a shot last week. And then she starts like – someone starts responding to all. And then someone's – Sophie says something about something and Caroline just responds and goes, go away, which I thought was amazing. And Sophie's like, no, you're still stuck with me.

And she's like, dear God. It was great. Great moment for us. Good stuff. Good stuff. Well, they're having a big Twitter war today. And it's hilarious because it's so ladies of London. Actually, it's not today.

I guess it was yesterday. Was it Annabelle? Yes. Annabelle's like telling everybody's mad at Annabelle because of this episode, which we'll get to. And we'll talk about the Twitter war when it happens. I'll actually look it up. It's funny to read. So speaking of Annabelleelle we then had a scene of annabelle with naomi and they are sitting on a couch and they're just talking about mcqueen and oh you know oh mcqueen believed in

you so alexander believed in you so much annabelle he really did you know he just loved you it's like how many scenes do we have to sit through of annabelle being comforted by someone else telling them how much alexander loved her it's not like you're fucking mrs lincoln you know what i mean like get the fuck over yourself like yeah the guy made some dresses calm down over there okay like your friend was talented and everything but you don't like get points for just like knowing someone who's talented, okay? On her Twitter account, her header on Twitter it says best friend of

McQueen. Best friend and muse of McQueen. That's your fucking Twitter? That's your bio? Is it your someone's best friend? Darling, even Barney Rubble has his own Twitter bio. Yeah, and then Annabelle tells Naomi, she's like, you know, lots of people want me to talk about McQueen on his anniversary.

It's like, girl, don't act like you haven't been talking about him all this time. She's talking as if she's been closed-lipped, and she hasn't commented on the situation or shared her thoughts all this time, and now people really want to hear what she has to say. It's like any chance you get, you're talking about Alexander McQueen. It's like, do you want to supersize that? I don't know. That's what Alexander would ask me. And I'd say, no, Alexander, too many French fries for you.

But maybe he should have had one last one, Alexander. I wish Alexander was here because only he could truly appreciate celebrating his anniversary with a bowler. And then, you know, I also get this bowler cake. But since we didn't eat cake, it's made out of tiny little models that retired 25 years ago. I also, isn't me, don't you get the feeling like Annabelle prepped Naomi beforehand? And is like, oh, Naomi, in this scene, do remember to bring up the fact that I babysat Bono's kids. Thank you so much. Because then Naomi's like,

out of nowhere, she's like, oh, you know, you're so good with children. You were babysitting Bono's kids, weren't you? And she's like, oh, yes, just that. Yes, of course, just that. I'm like, everything is always this convenient reference of how everybody knows you're famous.

And Naomi's kind of giving me that attitude that we've seen a lot on Bravo, and this, I think, is why I'm sensing it. But it's kind of a wariness of someone who just really never made the kind of money that they acted like they had. It's almost like, please stop calling me for money, Annabelle. You're so famous. Oh, yes, Anthony loved you. Oh, yes, Bono's children.

It's like she's trying to get her a job, babysitting, possibly being a pop, like something. She's just like someone give her a job. She's famous, I swear to God. But I cannot loan her any money, all right? It's just not the same ever since that maid got hit in the face with one of my phones, you know? My cash has been drained, darling. You understand. So then we go to a commercial, and I am very dismayed to see

that Bravo is bringing back Untying the Knot. Is this a show that anyone watched the first time around? I mean, Untying the Knot, the therapy, isn't there some relationship show? It's the divorce lawyer. It's that one who's like, I'll help you get through any divorce. And then she appeared on

New Jersey in one scene. But it's ridiculous. I can't believe that Bravo is bringing back Untying the Knot. And where are Gallery Girls? Where's Secrets and Wives? Where's Princesses Long Island? I ask you that. Well, I was going to say if Princesses Long Island was when they were just older, maybe

we all would have watched it, but it is. And that was Secrets and Wives. And we didn't watch that either. Or well, we did. But you know, I mean, the world. The world loves it. Speaking as America. We loved it. Sometimes I speak as Alexander and sometimes I speak as the country.

Because Alexander loved going to the country. Alexander! Alexander! So next up we get Caroline Fleming and Marissa at a tea meeting. Yeah, so this is great because Marissa is sitting there with a little present for Caroline. And she's like, well, you know, I just want to put the past in the past, you know.

And she said, we're moving on, so I'm ready to move on. And Caroline Fleming walks in with about as prototypical of a bitch face as you can imagine. It was like, I am Dutch royalty right now and I am very angry and you are going to hear why momentarily. I am Dutch royalty right now, and I am very angry, and you are going to hear why momentarily. I am so upset that I need a pashmina made out of camel skin to hide the chill. And Marissa's like, hi, how are you? She's like, coming down with the flu. Yeah, she's like, lip kiss.

I think I'm dying of the flubola, darling. I hope you don't get it. How unlucky would that be for the world? The kindest thing you could do would be not to kiss me on the face. The kindest thing you could do for yourself, but the kindest thing you could do for me and the world is to just die of something.

I don't even care what it is. Choose. The kindest thing that you could do and for you and for the world, would be to throw yourself in front of a train. Thank you. Just not a train in the pink Himalayan mountains, because that's where I get my salt. And I would not want you to change the quarries that provide such happiness to me. My hummus does not need your betrayal.

I want the pink to come from minerals and not your blood. She does come in with bitch face. And it's so funny because the way the restaurant is set up, I guess this is everywhere there because Ab Fab, tiny stairways everywhere. But here she's coming down the staircase and it's like really it's like an attic staircase it looks like she's like having to like really concentrate on the stairs so she doesn't die and maintain bitch face at the same time and it was so good i was like nothing goes as planned ever you know and then she does the bitchiest thing of all which is then she's like

i have so many things on my mind and then it it's like, she gives this sad face, like a sad emoji face. Just like such a condescending, nasty way to start the conversation. I was like, oh, I love her. She should have fired everybody for the other Caroline because she's totally that boss who fires you and is like, So wonderful to see you. This hurts me. I could not even sleep last night because you're fired i couldn't even walk straight this morning because you're fine it's so hard on me that you're fired oh sweetheart you look like you're crying here let me get you a tissue for your eeny weeny

teeny tear i'm so sorry that you're fired for my tears all the tears that i've cried because of what's happened to me having to fire you oh so caroline feels betrayed and she uh there's still things that she wants to hash out which is pretty much the same stuff she hashed out last time but now it's on her terms so she's like mar, you have really deeply hurt me. Oh my God, what did I do? What have I done? You know, my world is really teeny weeny. And, you know, I want to make sure that those people who are in my teeny weeny adorable little world have my back. And be a good friend and have my back and be nice to me and do this and stop talking about me and stop hurting me and stop being a good friend. And have my back. And be nice to me. And do this. And stop talking about me.

And stop hurting me. And stop being a common American. If you'd like to stay in my teeny tiny coffee cup, you are more than welcome. She's like, my entire world is in this little coffee cup. I only have room for one cancerous stevia packet. But you're not it, darling. Right. so either get out of my coffee cup

or be equal. But how lucky are you to be able to be on the saucer instead of the coffee cup? How lucky. Don't be an equal. Be an organic cream, Marissa. That's all I'm trying to say.

What? You know, Marissa, may I call, Marissa. That's all I'm trying to say. What? You know, Marissa, may I call you Marissa? In life, there are some people who are sugar cubes and some people who are just those

ugly brown packets of sugar in the raw and I'm afraid you may be the latter. How lucky for you, though, to be included on the table. Marissa's like, what do you mean? It's like, oh, wait, you mean that thing?

Like when I was like, I made you mad because like I said, you fuck babies. And then you're like, no, I don't. And then I said, I'm sorry. And then you're like, OK. And then like later, then you weren't you weren't forgiving after all. And then you got mad again. And then you got pissed again. And then I said, I'm sorry.

And then you were like, no. That. It's like, yes, darling. I didn't express it the first. I didn't have the coffee cup analogy the first time. But now I do. Let's rediscuss. Originally, I was thinking more in terms of like a thimble or a punchbowl.

But the sizes were just not right. But then coffee cup came to me last night. And I realized I have to sit down Marissa and berate her one last time. Before my life fit into a tall vase but then it got difficult for my life to get out of the vase because the vase was too tall

and I thought I'm imprisoning my own life force in the bottom of a vase. So I switched to coffee. You don't mind me discussing to you darling? I was originally, you know, I had thought about a highball glass because you know it looks so tall and majestic but they're actually really small like if you ever drunken from a highball glass you think oh goodness i could get a good solid four or five gulps out of this and then halfway through the first one you're like it's already

done and there are ice cubes in here what's wrong with me so i thought no that's too small so i upgraded to coffee cup and bruce is like, who else is in your coffee cup? Like, is there anybody, like, famous there? Like, who's in there? Is Juliet in there? Is Juliet in your coffee cup? She's like, no, darling. I don't have a big cup.

It's a coffee cup. Well, I like to think of Juliet as the little teeny weeny spoon that goes in and stirs around. But then I take it out. It always has to come out. You never drink from a coffee cup with a spoon in it. Remove the spoon. You let the spoon go in there and absorb all the heat

so the cup doesn't break and then you remove it. Marissa's like, well, my friendship circle is sort of like the giant mugs they had at Friends. That's mine. Everyone can get in.

Mine, my friendship circle is like those little sippy cups that go together and they fit together so they can never break in the cupboard. I mean, it's like a puzzle. Like whoever's connected. My friendship circle is like one of those cups that looks like an ice cream cone and then you put the fake plastic ice cream on top and a straw and it looks like you're sipping ice cream. But it's actually just whatever beverage you want it to be. That's the magic of it.

I'm reinventing coffee. I'm bringing it to Britain and I'm going to charge to be. That's the magic of it. I'm reinventing coffee. I'm bringing it to Britain, and I'm going to charge $30,000 for a cup of it, and I'm going to drink it sideways. And I'm going to call it Starbucks. Not Starbucks, Starbucks. It's going to be called Hottish Coffee. It's going to be called Coffee

Plant and Tea Stocks. It's going to be called Peter's Coffee. It's going to be called Peter's Brew. The new franchise. It's going to be called Instant. It's going to be called instant it's gonna be called maxwell estate

all right so we're still in the first scene of this show okay so julie okay so julie is that she's pissed because yes you're friends with the sister but if we're all going to be friends you can't be running to my sister telling her all my gossip or i can't gossip around you which means i can't be your friend because i how am i gonna fuck a 30 year old if i have to worry about my mother calling me which is a good point and marissa's like but yeah but she's my friend so was i not supposed to call her and let her know that i thought your boyfriend i'm sorry i'm sorry for the millen time i'm sorry what she really should say i think what she wants here is i'm really sorry uh and i'm glad you're telling me

this because you know i wasn't thinking and now i realize how that impacts thing and now i know i'll never do it again but says she up saying i mean what can i say i'm sorry what else do you want me to say which is true what else can't you say she said she's sorry a million times well anyway sorry but the reason it's not accepted is because she doesn't say i'm sorry she says i'm sorry but your boyfriend threw me out of the car which is why i don't like him so that's not really a sorry and also it's typical marissa because she's going to be nicer to the sister who still will invite her entire family over to a castle for christmas you know what i mean so anyway either way they still hug and then we move on to julie who is um gonna she's like well i saw how much

attention that Marissa got with the hot dog photo so I sort of want to do the same thing I want to do this thing with Jub so she's going to do this crazy Jub photo where she's going to get take her face and be naked and she's going to have this Jub painting painted

on her and she's going to stand against the corresponding painting etc etc and it's I mean it winds up, etc, etc. And it's, I mean, it winds up being a cool photo, but I don't really see how it's good branding in any sort of way. And Julie's like, but I'm Jub! I'm Jub, that's me! I mean, I think I am.

Jub, that's right. Julie's unbelievable balls! And I was like, oh my God, Julie. But I like that she compared it to Marissa, because she's like, well, Marissa, like, top-down, like, she was in the newspaper and she was like oh my god julie but i like that she compared it to marissa because she's like well marissa like top town like she was in the newspaper and she was like she had a hot dog smile and everybody loved it like everybody in town loved i'm like really because we just saw everybody making fun of it yeah also and by the way that was yeah like kind of a phallic symbol

and now you're doing a nude it's like these americans and their ads of course even the innocent because both of them are innocent it's not like they're hoes or something i think i mean i actually always thought one's a nude picture it's like oh come on america what's the other angle that's our angle for everything you know get naked well i actually thought marissa's picture was totally fine and on top of that it's different because that was a photo it was a photo shoot with you know a newspaper it wasn't like the hot the top dog branding is not going to be that picture over and over again. But Julia's like, here, I'm going to take this picture. I'm the brand.

I mean, you won't see my face. You'll just see my back and my butt. But I'm the brand. And this doesn't really seem to match anything that has anything to do with, you know, energy balls. But yeah. Meanwhile, I'm just imagining all the kings and queens that are dead in england rolling over in their graves being like this is what our royal lineage is coming to taking taking stupid naked photos with body paint on to promote some ball made of like

sunflower seeds and ground updates and why do you need an ass crack to get everybody's balls excited you know it's like get your balls ready with this ass crack it's like it's so sexual and she's so innocent that it's it's just awkward you know yeah my poor thing and by the way i don't think marissa's thing was bad either i just mean in context of the show how they were calling each other like can you believe she's on she's in a newspaper with a big dick hanging from her mouth like i would never i would never um yeah that's i mean i'm glad she's trying though but i think it's so funny that she's like i'm painting my butt crack and i'm gonna sell jump balls and we're gonna save mapperton it's like oh it's like those people in movies who put on terrible musicals to save something like Like, a terrible musical never saved anything, you know?

Yeah. Sell some cookies. Something people want. Fucking Chub Balls. Yeah. Not Chub Balls. You sold this with some cookies. All right.

Some sugar. Snickers. Those little kids walking door to door smelling Snickers always seem to have decent shoes. Like, they're doing okay. Sell something that we'll buy. Yeah, seriously. I almost bought a Snickers bar right before this podcast and said, I gotta think Thin Bar. So,

then we move on to Caroline, Sophie, and Caroline all meeting together for lunch, which I love. These are my three favorites and I like them all being together and being haughty and dismissive of everything. And so,

I love that when Caroline Fleming arrives she forces a hug on Caroline Stanbury which by the way is a great great exercise in contrast between her and Marissa Marissa's like I have the flu I think I just got it seeing you whereas with Caroline Stanbury she's like

give us a hug give us a hug and Caroline's like no no no Pauline buffer buffer the like No no no Pauline Buffer Buffer the hug Buffer the hug Pauline Alright Valentina Get up Get out of here

And pry her further away from me So Pauline can fit up in here To buffer Alright alright Rain a spot Rain a spot Valentina put on this blonde wig Now tell Caroline Fleming

That you're me Okay Accept the hug Accept the hug Bad news mum Valentina fell over Her wig fell off She knows everything Okay, accept the hug. Accept the hug. Bad news, mom. Valentina fell over. Her wig fell off.

She knows everything. So this is your standard scene on any of the Bravo shows where women get together and have a quote unquote spontaneous idea to go on vacation. So in this case, it was Caroline. spontaneous idea to go on vacation. So in this case, it was Caroline. So she's like, you know, I would love, I would love, you know, you know what I love doing? I love going back to Denmark.

And my kids just all love going to the castle. We just love the castle. I would love for the world to experience what I experience in the castle of loving bonding between parent and child that is Denmark and Shakespeare, roses and tiles, money and

love. It's like, shut up. Are we going to your fucking house for the weekend or what, lady? Jesus. Sell it less, darling. Your ad is taking up the entire page. I just love that she just so effortlessly is talks about like oh you know this weekend i would just love to go to my castle who has castles to go to

i would love for everyone to experience a castle it really is amazing watching mummy come down all those stairs with the help of five ladies who raised me whose names I don't remember. I do remember that one found a sock bag once. That was adorable. You know, it's so important for me to have Juliet experience a castle that is not a TV show. I want her to live in a castle, not watch one on ABC. Oh, God.

So I love, though, that they're like, is there going to be drama? And then Sophie's like, well, you can count on it. And then Sophie, of course, takes this as a chance to just totally bash Marissa and Juliet. She's like, the American girls are much softer and easily hurtable. They're not thick like us. They're just, you know, this little pin push, pin push, you put pins in them

and push pins in them. I don't know, give me another vodka. Oh, Americans are like deer. They just stand there, they get shot and then they fall over. I say,

put on a deer skin, then you've got double the skin and bullets don't penetrate. This was 90,000 euros, this coat. I'm like, oh my lord, ladies. lord oh the first shopping was later but i was like whoa yeah um yeah sophie's like the way to travel to a castle when you live in england what to wear velvet pants that cut off right below the knees almost like a newsy but a little bit

longer so everyone knows that you're richer. It's just what you do. Going to a castle is the pursuit of luxury. And if Americans don't understand that, then that's their problem. And Caroline's like, I simply must get away from the shock and the stress of losing the gift library. There are still poor people clinging to the handles of the front entrance. The handles never paid you oh i've got too much love in my heart to call them stupid so i had pauline do it in a memo which she couldn't

print because kinkers has started locking us out i can't darling i can't and fleming's like darling you deserve some time in the castle. Caroline's like, well, I could not agree more. I mean, I woke up today and I thought, what am I going to do with myself? It's a Monday and I don't have anywhere to go. I mean, what am I supposed to do?

Play with the children? I don't think so. I just went onto the front stoop and called the nannies and ordered them around anyway. Don't think it didn't feel the same. Do you know that when you just stay at home,

all you have to do is talk to the children? I mean, what sort of lifestyle is that I've left Raina a message to leave Pauline a message To have Valentina come talk to the children Lord knows when their cell phones Will be turned back on This is difficult for me

And then Fleming's like Oh Caroline Relax at a castle Sounds great good. Good trip. Good trip, guys. Worried about those poor people. How lucky are you that we have a castle?

And Fleming has completely dropped Annie. I thought it would take, like, the second season for the bitch flower to bloom. But Fleming, nope. She was like, all right. She's like, I'm a hippie. And now I'm just a rich bitch who says hippie things every once in a while just for fun. Ironically, because I don't mean them. I'm like, oh, no.

Now I take every, like, peaceful, nice thing she says as a barb. And it kind of works for her personality because she says them all with a little squint. Like, I can't be in a room without a fluffed couch. It's absolutely, what did she say? It's unbelievable. You know, I made that beat for that later. Who doesn't fluff the couch? I understand that I'm not in a castle,

but I'll count fluffing skills beyond your understanding, a person who doesn't know I'm a baroness. So then it's time to go to Denmark. And so we have a packing montage. Packing! Packing, packing, packing, packing. Caroline of Sandbury, of course,

brings four huge bags for four days in Denmark, which is crazy. They all get to the airport. In her defense, Pauline was living in one of them. Yeah, Rainier was in the other. It was actually all three of her assistants. Valentina, get into the travel pro. Pauline, zip her up.

We are flying southwest, southwest right i'm not paying thanks to luggage well it is funny because they did ultimately wind up flying coach so um so caroline stanbury um i'm sorry so they all get there they check in and annabelle is late and suddenly this is like becomes a thing like well you know we always have to wait for annabelle we always have to wait for annabelle like We always have to wait for Annabelle. Like, she always makes everyone wait. Caroline Stamberg is not happy about it, whatever. Annabelle comes in. We have this prolonged montage

of Annabelle kissing everyone. And we know, by the way, we know that she's in a foul mood because she's super nice. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't kiss you. Oh, I'm sorry. Or on drugs.

Because that's the sign of her, like, just coming out of the bathroom, like, sniffling. That's when she's nice, people. This is my Kim Richards moment, okay? There is something going on there, and I don't even care if she's a drug user. And I hope nobody does call her on it. But all this trouble she's getting into seems like when she's in one of these weird modes where she's showing up late, odd, saying hello smiling, I mean

who does that but somebody else not talking about Alexander she's like, hello Luke, I didn't see so many kisses to give I would say I was late, I would say it was the cast, but it was my fault yeah, there's some ish because the fight that they had on Twitter was all

about this, because now everybody's pissed at her and she's calling people a bully. And then Stansbury was like, oh, well, you don't even understand what she puts people through off camera. And the way she treats people. But I won't out her because I'm a lady. And then Annabelle's like, how un-rock and roll of you. To have manners, you don't bully people into agreeing with you, darling. What I thought was very strange on the show was that all season long,

the story has been Julie and Annabelle have been friends, and Julie was the only one who visited Annabelle when she had a broken back, and Julie just loves Annabelle's advice. And Annabelle thinks she's just adorable even though she's flighty. And then all of a sudden, this episode, Julie is like,

Annabelle's been really distant lately and we just haven't really been talking. And it's like, where did that come from? I mean, was this supposed to be like, was this seed supposed to be like, was this seed supposed to have been planted last week when Annabelle was like, you know, for someone who teaches breathing slowly,

she really needs to take a breath. No, this was planted way at the beginning when they were friends in the first place. Annabelle's not going to be friends with some stupid American twit. No, I know, but I just don't know why, where her turn was. I don't know.

I'm getting to it. I was trying not to make it an hour long because I've already said this stuff before, but it's basically because Annabelle was using Julie and Juliet

to tell off Stanbury because she can't do it, and when they didn't do it and her evil bullwinkle, you know, her evil bullwinkle villain plan failed her Natasha plan,

she got pissed because they didn't pull it off, and now she will have nothing to do with either of them because she couldn't use them properly you know cold yeah well I think that the producers could have bolstered that plot line a

little bit more they should have had a few more moments where Annabelle was like you know I don't understand why you know I take this person under my wing and then there's a bully and then she just ignores what I say I don't know if I need friends like that. Maybe there was one. Maybe I ignored it.

But I was sort of surprised that all of a sudden Annabelle and Julie were now officially distanced. She dropped her the second she couldn't. The second she became a pussy when it came to Stanbury, and the girls had that argument over who was nicer to Stanbury. And then it showed her standing on the side being just disappointed that her little minions failed i was like she's done with them now she's suddenly not speaking to them anymore just slinking off to the bathroom with her odd friend leem yeah so anyway they go they fly um over to denmark and of course caroline fleming is like if you look over to the right you'll be able to see the castle. How lucky are you to see my castle?

I'm like, but you're in coach. Okay. Well, we're not royalty on the plane. It doesn't come into effect until we land, darling. You'll get it when we land. So then they land and there's paparazzi. And they're like, oh, my gosh, she's such a big deal here. But you know what? There was only one paparazzo.

There was one guy and he trailed him the entire time and he was probably hired by Bravo. And there was this one lady, but it wasn't like a wall paparazzi, but Caroline Fleming was still in the bus. She was like, it will be difficult for us to have any privacy. I'm really sorry about that. I'm really sorry.

It's going to be a wall of paps. It's difficult. Everyone'm really sorry. It's going to be a wall of paps. It's difficult. Everyone wants a piece. It's going to be difficult, ladies, because this weekend, I'll put it in a way that the Americans can understand. You're going to feel like

a piece of pizza in an office party where everybody wants a piece. I saw it on television. This isn't a game, or as maybe for the Americans here, we aren't at Dave and Boosters? Boosdays?

Is that what it's called? Busters? Busters. Boosters. Okay. Poor thing. Yeah, so she's supes famous, which, who cares? I mean, that's cool for her and stuff.

But just the reactions are so ridiculous. Juliette's like, oh my god. I knew her because I've met her before like i went to her house sometime like i didn't realize she was like famous i'm right pesto with a famous person and had her fritos she gave me really terrible almond paste one time to eat i'm putting that in my book and she's she asked me how lucky was I and I was like I don't feel lucky but now I feel really lucky

so yeah she's like welcome to my land she became very Yolanda yes Yolanda even had a bit more humility you know Yolanda was like here's the first windmill I blew somebody behind to get my first job

bagging groceries, selling goats or whatever. But she's like, here's the first nanny that I murdered before I learned that that was wrong and figured out how to take my anger out on horses like normal people. Here's this Hans Christian Andersen

fountain. Hans, of course, was my mother's first boyfriend. You know, something like that. But so what's funny is they're checking in. That Annabelle is now, she mumbles something about, you know, I've got something going on that is upsetting me. And I'm sad because no one's checking in to see why am I sad. And I thought Jules would be that person. She wasn't.

It's like, oh, don't do that thing. Don't do that passive-aggressive I'm gonna sulk until someone asks me what's wrong. Because your version of sulking is smiling and that's not fair. That's tricky to people who are like Julie and who are confused by things. What sort of friend doesn't ask you if you'll share your dime bag? What sort of friend doesn't ask you

what fashion designers you know who are in trouble bag what sort of friend doesn't ask you what fashion designers you know who are in trouble what sort of friend is that no one is wondering what anthony thinks of this hotel i mean i'm sorry alexander no she had a friend how could i forget alexander's name for christ's sake man this this hotel reminds me of another hotel I once went to where I once called Alexander and left a voicemail. Alexander! When we first landed in Denmark, there was a McDonald's there and there was a queen, a drag queen, eating a McDonald's. And I thought, McQueen! Oh, Alexander!

So then after they all change and get situated uh they all decided to go walking about and they all exit the um hotel which led to this really strange moment where the camera starts on annabelle sitting outside the hotel like in the corner again doing the the the sullen me from her short story and then the women all just sort of like walk out and ignore her and some i think see her and are like whatever i'm not gonna pay attention to her because she's sulking and some just don't see her and they walk and they're like where's annabelle and there's like oh there she is trailing behind it's one of those sort of like passive aggressive trailing me i'm just here enjoying the wind the trailing behind me it's not even in the picture because it's so far behind where the painter was.

I'm another page you have to buy and then you just edit a few pages behind the page you did. Don't get her confused with invisible me. They're totally different sides of me. It's bookmark me and I'm the bookmark and when you open up the page I fall out and fall onto the floor and you wonder what happened to that bookmark?

Oh well, I replaced it with a paperclip. So then they're like, oh, they're like, Annabelle, we were just wondering where you were. And she's like, I'm enjoying the air while you're all fapping about. I'm smelling things that the earth has provided us while you're wasting your life away.

She was so funny at this, and at one point, what's-her-bun's Fleming goes, I don't know what's going on. All I know is I want to have an undramatic weekend at the castle. That sentence is hilarious.

There's no way you can ask for a weekend at a castle and there'd be no drama, okay? Maybe if you went to the Holiday Inn. um i like also that they're like annabelle where's your coat she's like they're like aren't you aren't you gonna wear your coat she's like no i find it really warm and you know in this in this in this show that's equivalent of being like i fucking hate you you stupid bitch or i just did coke in the bathroom and i'm sweating uncontrollably and she's always cold by the way annabelle's always the one who's cold that's what she was

meth warms you up so you know that's not cool to be calling someone a drug addict i have no i have no evidence for any of this except my own life and i'm I'm like, yep, the only time you will ever see me complain about not being freaking cold is after an Adderall telling, or lying in a bathroom at Gay Pride. Alright, there are certain times. So then, so then, Caroline Fleming

takes him to a statue, and is like, this statue was my grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather. And he saved the country. This statue is my 90th generation grandfather. Who cares? How lucky are we to still be Danish instead of Swedish?

How lucky. Everyone's like, I guess. That's cool. You could have had ikea though did you invent the l bracket no so no one ever thought of screwing things together with an l-shaped screwdriver before and you didn't do it so sorry that your 10th generation grandfather failed sucks for you although it's pretty cool that your 10th generation grandfather saved Denmark because then in the morning at

the office, you'd be eating Swedish's instead of Danish's. So it's pretty cool that we call them Danish's. What Shakespeare play is Something's Rotten in Denmark from? Because that's what this episode was called. I thought that was funny. Oh, Shakespeare. Keep coming on back into Bravo. There's something rotten in the state

of Juliet. So then the next stop on the tour... Are they eating dinner yet? Are they eating dinner at your wet dream of a restaurant, by the way? Oh yeah, something happened at this furrier, so someone wouldn't go to the furrier.

Julie didn't want to go to the furrier because she's not about the fur. Even though she was just like fucking shooting ducks last week, but whatever. She's like, you know, I think I'm just going to go to a coffee shop next door. I think that's, is that like, because I'm not really into fur. So I think we get that. No one shoots. I mean, no one wears ducks after, you know, it's just gross.

And Annabelle is like, well, that's just rude. You were invited. It was a, you know, you were invited to a function at the furrier. Alexander would have gone. He's not alive to go. You should go in his stead. If Alexander invites you to stare at the skins of dead animals, you do it. So it was a stupid thing.

So then they all wind up going to the furrier. And then they try on things that cost $50,000 and look very glamorous. I mean, I guess. Are people still doing that? I cannot believe you can put on furs like that on national TV and not get your ass beat. In Europe, you probably can. Yeah, that's crazy. Because in America, we're like, listen, we kill humans, not animals.

We're terrorists if you're cold. Yeah, don't kill the animals, but make sure I can have my gun. Yeah. Exactly. So, yes, as you were saying but make sure I can have my gun. Yeah. Exactly. So, yes, as you were saying, then they do wind up at dinner. And it was a wet room of a restaurant for me. And I love they get there. And Julie's like, oh, my God, it's a circular table.

This is amazing. And Caroline Fleming just goes, isn't it just? It's just. Just. How lucky are you? She did say, how lucky are you she did say how lucky are you i forget who did she say that to she's like she's like how lucky are we to have a shape that can convey so many things and it is our table it's like a conversation in this group circular never goes anywhere how lucky is this table oh i think it was earlier when juliet was saying oh i'm so excited because i get to go to a place that i've never been before denmark how lucky are you so funny okay so they're eating the snotty food which is she's like order

five things because even though they cost as much as your first home you can't eat them the same all right darling so they all order five things and one of them's like a shaved avocado it's like an avocado shaved so thinly and laid out like a chevron and people are like oh my god this i'm bringing these to america that's a avocado avocado shapes that's a new thanksgiving tradition um so then this means everything to my children I need avocados shaved into a chevron For Thanksgiving I'm gonna kill myself with a turkey

So the best For me the best part about this Was that Caroline Fleming Then tells this ridiculous story She's like this restaurant Does this wonderful off thethe-menu dish that involves cheese and lots of it. And so last time I came here

I said, I'll have the off-the-menu Fleming cheese dish. And they said, oh, but we're out of Compte. And so then I said, no, don't you realize I'm here. I need to have this dish. The chef says, don't worry about it. And he went to the hotel

and bought five kilos of Comte cheese and he brought it back and he made it just for me how lucky am I to have the cheese like we all know that the way the story really went down was I am a baroness get me my five kilos of Comte right now

I want my Comte and I want it now yes and she tells it like it's just this hilarious. She even ends it by going, hilarious. And it's this, like, story. And she even said after it, she's like, and then, little did I know. I'm like, oh, God. It's like she's narrating her own PBS story. So she asked for this cheese tray.

They went down and bought five kilos like it's a Coke deal, which probably is why the channel is so safe. It's like drug dealers can't get past the cheese people. They're like, they really love their cheese over here. But some busboy goes and like sells his mother to get this cheese. And then she's like, literally, did I know they didn't even have the cheese? Oh, isn't that hilarious? Look at all the lives that were disrupted for me. Me, just a little old baroness who wants her cheese that she requested ahead of time.

Thank you. I was cold and they skinned a baby and put it on my hands. And I thought, oh, the warmth. Only later did I find out it was a real baby. This lovely young couple was getting engaged at this table, and they were having such a special moment, but there were no tables for me. So would you believe they actually kicked them out of the table and sent them to McDonald's

just for me? Hilarious. Hilarious. So she's basically a dick at this point, okay? And everybody around the table knows it, and they're all looking at her like, oh shit, she's a dick. You know, it's like that moment where you just, it's official. Like, here she goes.

And then she's off telling stories about how cool she is as a baroness, even though she's famous. It's like, oh, lordy lou. And no one can leave because coach doesn't leave until morning. Coach. They're stuck. So then the thing is this, is that fleming does not as you mentioned no drama in the castle tomorrow so let's air it all out if anyone has anything to say my family so if anyone is feeling

things please do it post avocado chevron so nobody has anything to say and it gets to annabelle and of course she's like oh speak up here's what i gotta say and she's got that by the way she's got sort of like a hooligan stance going on she's got like one arm around the back of her chair like i'll tell you what's going on with me a knife and okay oh it's like dun dun dun dun dun annabelle's got good power and a story to tell girl power girl it cuts back to annabelle after commercial she's like all right you're an asshole you're a dick you're a coon you're a period you're stupid you're a flowing anus it's like she just goes around the table telling everybody their faults and they're like uh you have some powder on your nose you either have powder on your nose or a white booger hanging out

you decide, darling and meanwhile, so she tells Caroline that you know, you have to really be careful when you give your posh put downs, it's not very nice so then Caroline says, actually in a way that was not passive aggressive at all she's like, oh well, you know I have something to say, which is that you know

sometimes you sort of keep to yourself and you're a little bit like, you sort of separate yourself and you know i i have something to say which is that you know sometimes you sort of keep to yourself and you're a little bit like you sort of separate yourself and you you know you shouldn't do that and then annabelle's like oh oh i see how it is doesn't like doesn't like being told anything about what the truth is about what herself is oh i see how it goes i see i see i'm like no she was actually giving you constructive criticism in the same tenor that you were and you're the one who can't deal with it because now you're like licking your lips and getting all feisty and looking like you're ready to get into a good old fashioned snickersnee at the pub. Well, one thing that she should know, knowing Caroline for so long,

because we've only known her for a few episodes, I mean, really, like 20 episodes or something, and we already know this, Caroline, if you comment Caroline with your gun shooting, Stanbury, yeah. She's ready for you, and she's not going to fight with you. She's going to be so calm that you look like an idiot,

and you're going to be fumbling in a corner apologizing to your other friend. You know, it's like she's pulling the same thing she pulled when the American girls were going to have this big confrontation. She's like, oh, darling, you're forgiven. Thank you for the whoopee cushion, whatever that is.

You know, I mean, go talk to somebody in American over there, darling. Just clear. Caroline Stanbury is the neo of passive aggression. You know, she is like the climax of the Matrix when that agent is trying to punch her and shoot her and shooting bullets at her. And she just stands there calmly and just deflects. Yeah. One at a time. She's in slow motion, quietly deflecting your bullets, moving out of the way of your punches.

While someone else is fiercely going at her. She's just like. And she's not passive. She's not passive aggressive in the traditional sense. She's just both passive and aggressive. So. Yeah. It's like she'll be passive in the middle of a war.

And then in the middle of a pasture, she'll be shooting soldiers in the head. You know? It's just like. And I feel like she learns things. I love them both. I feel like she learns things like Neo, too. She's like, okay, I need to learn about Kung Fu. All right.

She looks at it. Gets it uploaded. She's like, I know Kung Fu. Done. In the judgmental haze that she gets into she learns to get over the judgments and stuff like i'm kind of cheerleading her this time because she's they've tried to drag her into a few things and she has been i mean that's like exemplary housewives behavior you can be a bitch be hilarious criticize everybody go broke but still be the richest, and be the biggest

bitch on the show but everybody loves because at the end of the day, you're still kind of decent. It's weird. Honestly, the truth is she is the one on the show who's actually going through the most because as much as we're cracking all these jokes about Valentina and Rainia and Bad News

Mom, I mean, her business, she did have 48 employees and it went under on TV in the tabloids. And we joke about like, oh, she's this cold, uncaring bitch. But that's like really not an easy thing to go through. And she's really, she's handling a lot. And, you know, the last thing she needs is the stupidity, you know. Yeah. But I like that she doesn't ever break down.

She's just like so amused when anybody comes at her. She's like, oh. Hilarious. All right. Now you can be like the avocado chevron, disposable and now gone. Goodbye. Clear.

Bring on course number two. It's so difficult to eat that avocado. But I did it. Goodbye. All right. So let's move on to the lads of lunch. Oh, so the big Twitter war. Anyway, we're over two hours. I we still have, like, two more shows.

Yeah, tell me about that Twitter war, because I'm going to eat my second thing. It was pretty simple. It's just basically, you know, post-show griping at each other. But Annabelle's really pissed, and she just, poor thing. Like I said, her Twitter header is McQueen's best friend and muse. And then her tweets don't really make sense and they're misspelled. And I don't know. She just says, you can't be a bully, darling. You can't have it

both ways, darling, or whatever. It's Caroline, Sophie. Sophie doesn't really fight much, though. She's just like, jolly good see you all later. Stay wealthy. You know. Tweet. A shot for every time someone sends a tweet oh well 20 tweets

and then the gay um i forget his name but yeah luke would you would you nutty ladies please stop fighting you're clogging my twitter timeline you know they're all very polite caroline's like darling you can't say one thing when you mean another ho ho, ho, ho, ho. They're like, how dare you, bully? Oh, ho, ho, ho, Porsche darling. Manners. It's like a manners war on Twitter. It's very funny. That's my favorite kind. It's so good.

Go search Annabelle. She's pretty good. Because they'll give her a good one. You know, Stanbury's treating her with kid gloves because I guess they've known her for a long time. So she's treating her like a crazy monkey in a cage throwing poop. You're like, oh, silly monkeys.

You know, she's like, enjoy the poop throwing monkey or whatever. And Annabelle's like, oh, yeah, you are, you big evil mean bully bitch. It's like, oh, no. And it's spelled wrong. It's like bitch is spelled wrong. Oh, no. Yeah. So why don't we move on to Below Deck? my disclaimer is that I did not write any notes

because I was so enraptured by what was going on, I actually forgot to write the notes. I was just... Leftoversed? What? You were so leftoversed? Yes, I was leftoversed. Yeah, I was.

I... This episode, from beginning to end, was both hilarious and engaging and I could not wait to see what happened next. It was really, really great.

This shit was hilarious. The mate fight! Mate fight! It was so good and I actually saved it until this morning because I thought, wow, if it's that good. Because everybody was saying how good it was. So I was like, I need a clear head. And so I got up early and smoked some dope and watched it.

Like anyone who needs a clear head would do. It was so good. Okay, I'm trying to find the notes now. Notes, notes, below deck. So basically, while you look up your notes, I'll just go off my memory. Because it's actually one of these episodes where there's so many sort of big things

that happened that I actually was like, well, it's okay. I didn't take notes because there's no need to like harp on every little thing. For me,

I didn't feel the need to like get every little thing because the big things that happened were so big. There was just like so much to talk about, you know? I did get some really good

little things that I think will help. I'm glad. No, yeah. I wasn't saying it like, it wasn't my Caroline Steinberg way of saying, so Ronnie. I'm glad. It wasn't my Caroline Steinberg way of saying, so Ronnie, ignore your notes. It was just my way of saying I didn't feel bad

because there were so many cool... Oh, I feel bad, Ronnie. We enjoy it in our own ways. I enjoy it by barfing all over a page. I enjoy it by reminiscing with my second thing-thin bar of the podcast. I got two today.

Cause I was like, we're going to be recording for so long. I actually went, I got myself a bagel today. Cause I woke up, I was starving and I was like, you know what? I only have two eggs left and that's not going to be enough to get me

through the giant podcast. That's a coming. So I got myself a bagel and cream cheese. And now I'm on my second thing. Yeah. So anyway, we all enjoy it in our own ways um i i just need to write a lot down because i see little things and i really do not remember after like that real house

was of orange county half those notes i was like what was i talking about because that was so many days ago but um this so the main way this started was just reminding us about the fire thing from last week but the editors are very very funny on this show and very tricky the little things that they throw in thank you emile masturbation shot thank you lots of underwear shots for the men um but one thing they inserted and they got to it a little bit was they open the oven there's clearly potatoes and steak in there yeah then the next time they open it there's clearly just pans in there so So what's actually burning is the oven. So that's what I wrote down.

I was like, mystery solved. Had they not seen the footage? It's obviously the oven. And then earlier they showed What's-His-Bun's chef opening it and it was smoking. And he goes, oh, Smokey Robinson over there. So he even joked about how dirty it was and they didn't clean it. And when Rocky was looking for racks to put into the oven, she was like, is this clean? Is this clean? This is dirty. This is dirty. So it was evident.

Now, I don't know ovens well enough. There was one time I think in 2005 when I didn't really know anything about cooking. I did mistake the bottom coil of my electric oven for a rack and I put like a I did put like a tray, like a cheap baking sheet on there and it started to like go crazy and it turned all black, etc. I can't guarantee that that

thing was clean but when, is it true will a clean... Oh yeah, I've started them on fire. Yeah, clean things will No, a clean true? Will a clean. I've started them on fire. Yeah. Clean things. No, a clean oven or like a clean pan. Will that catch on fire?

No, no, no, no. The thing that catches on fire is when you get like it's it's grease, but it's also just all the shit all over your oven. That's why you have to like put it in oven cleaning mode where it's so hot that all that stuff falls off. And then you have to like sweep it out. You know, I never clean my oven i've started so many fires because i'll drip cheese into the bottom of the oven and be like who cares and then it smells like burnt cheese the next 20 times i cook or whatever yeah i i get like little things like i'll be cooking something and like a little bit of smoke will come out because it's like something is clearly burning on the bottom of it but oh yeah i'm a lazy leon i'm always like it'll eventually burn

itself like that's that's someone who doesn't clean an oven right there i seem because i am one so anyway so it's like this huge fire and everyone's reaction was hilarious kate just runs through with her hands semi waving in the air like instincts are telling her to wave her hands for some reason but she doesn't know why she's like ah and just kind of runs through the kitchen slowly she's like weird she's like yachties know that when there's smoke you just flap your hands if you're on a cruise ship you just jump overboard like don't actually make any smoke move around just like kind of show that you're moving you're not dead a yachty knows other yachties aren't dead because they're waving their arms in the smoke that That's how you find other yachties. Leon didn't wave his hand.

And that's why he's dead. We'd left him in the basement. Has anyone seen Leon waving his hands? Nope. And he died. So clip of Smokey Robinson. Okay. So everybody's reaction was hilarious.

Eddie comes into the kitchen. And Eddie has been getting laid. So now he's like cool cop. He's chewing gum, which is weird, and his shirt's like kind of unbuttoned. I guess it was late. I don't know, but he just looked like suddenly he's confident cop

because he's got pussy on his side now, and he's like, he comes in talking like dad. He's like, close the door. Close the door. Close it. Close it right now. You close the door.

You close it. You close the door. Gonna get grounded. It's so true. Well, it's funny that he had to tell them to do that. Huh? I'm sorry. It's the last bite of the thing thin. It's funny that he had to tell them to close the door. I mean, there was smoke coming out.

Well, they don't know what to do. They just go on autopilot. They're like, close the door. Open the door. Open the other door. Okay, okay, now get a paper towel. It's like, what can you do? There's only so many options in a boat, you know? Violins. Eddie talking to dog.

Shirt unbuttoned. Gum in mouth. Pussy. My nuts are trying to rebuild. I don't know what that means. Small town cop. Okay. So this is when it turns into cops, okay?

This whole thing was hysterical because it was like a sketch of cops. And you've got Eddie. It's like, woo, woo. Fire, fire. And Rocky's like, fire fire rocky's like yeah i saw you know because like she came in the kitchen and then she was gonna make some popcorn and then like like she has and she did it like i saw her do it because i remember because it was like 1202 and i was like the sun's coming down and then leon was like you're a whore and i'm like what it's like ma'am stick to the facts like is this the is this this the interrogation? Well, it started off like this cop.

It got to law and order later. But right now it's just cops. And there's like random white trash witnesses everywhere. Like, well, I smelled a fire. And then Amy comes down wrapped in a blanket. And she's like, I was in bed. I remember because I was laying down and I had a blanket. And she's like, I was in bed. I remember because I was laying down and I had a blanket around me

and I was pretending that, pretend Ryan Gosling was kissing me and asked me if I liked his loafers and I said, I love that you can fit a penny in them.

And then I smelled a fire. Is there a fire? There's a fire. That's when I, it's like everyone's giving this witness account and it was so good. I had a dream.

I had a dream that fake Ryan Gosling and Starfish and I all went skiing and we're up in the lodge and we're by the fireplace and they were fighting over me and I was like, guys, there's enough for me to go around for Starfish and for fake Ryan Gosling

and then I was like, oh god, goodness, this fireplace is so hot and the smoke is so real and I woke up, it was real smoke y'all and there was no stop fish it's like how do all the witnesses feel and then kate is so mortified she's first she's looking like oh shit is this my bad she gets this look like she's pooping herself and she's looking back and forth from everybody like who's blaming me you know like her eyes are darting back and forth i made a gif i'll post it soon so good and then she's like fuck it i can't take it so she goes up on the desk uh the deck

where all the guests are like oh does it smell like smoke what is it a fire what is it fire because it's like smoke like just stupid and kate leans she leans on a thing and she's like there's no fire no seriously there's no fire like no don't worry no fire and she's leaning kate would never lean in front of a guest her posture her posture is weakening get her off the yacht she's ruined if kate any service and kate would admit this i'm sure any service person that was leaning would automatically start cleaning with their fucking elbow because that's how it works you got time to lean you got time to clean i mean what is this the costra concordia i mean you

gotta stand up straight kate stand up kate leaning while she was talking to the guests was like i don't know it was like the titanic i don't know it's like watching a nervous breakdown it don't know, it was like watching a nervous breakdown. It was basically we're just watching someone have a nervous breakdown on TV. It's like watching the butler from Downton Abbey go up to the dinner table and take a seat. Yes. What is happening here?

It's horrifying. It's like the cook on Downton Abbey spitting in the food or something. She's gone. You know she's going to be coming to people with a rolling pin soon. It's like Mrs. Padmore serving soup when she wasn't asked to serve soup. Daisy! Daisy! Take the soup!

I'm all taking it myself! Oh, Daisy! I've got to tell you something, girl. You did a good job. And it's like, doo, doo, doo, doo. What's the chef doing serving soup? Well, Robert, sometimes they have to. I appreciate what

you're doing, Mrs. Padmore. Oh, thank you! So yeah, that's basically what happened. Someone thanked the service in this home. No wonder we're going broke. By the way, every single crew member, except for Emil, because he was passed out, but everyone, every single crew member, except for Emil, because he was passed out, but everyone except Leon and Emil got up to be like, what's going on?

Leon just like, whatever. He like checks his watch. He's like, I'm not getting up. Yeah, he's like, I'm tired. Smells like one of the kids is starting something on fire. Haven't killed me yet. Good night. night well he's he's the classic uh workplace guy we've all seen him whether it's a yacht whether it's a corporate office who is like i'm gonna do my own thing and i'm gonna let other

people hang themselves yeah you know that's exactly we've all encountered those people and that's exactly what he just did he did that and if they're in trouble for it's because they suck at their job and they're women yeah um. Exactly. Oh, yeah. And another thing I said last week was that divorced ass or nobody are divorced. He's not divorced. He's got a freaking wife. I just assumed that someone would have divorced him. I mean, doesn't. How is he married?

Oh, my God. I know. If he's married and he's still like this, like got a wife who like loves him and stuff. Imagine what she divorces him. He's going to be like three times as bad. He'll sink the Titanic. Or maybe he's Munchausen by proxy.

He's just feeding her beef cheeks until she gets sick and she needs him. I can't get out of bed. Too many beef cheeks. It turns out too many beef cheeks cause intestinal, gastrointestinal fires that kill women. Who knew? I did.

Wikipedia. I mean, I have Munchausen by proxy at this point from all those beef cheeks. It's almost as bad as Jamie with the scallops on Top Chef. I have Munchies by proxy because you ate a think thing. So, Rocky was hilarious in this too because she was immediately doing the talking to her invisible parents who weren't there. I mean, you take the pans out of the oven. Like, who does that?

Oh, Kate. This is Kate. It wasn't me. It wasn't me, Daddy. It wasn't me. I want to say, I think, yes. Culinary school. No, so here's the thing, okay?

Logic dictates that you do take pans out of an oven. But what if you're not a chef and you're not the one using that oven all the time and someone says you need to preheat the oven, you need to, like, make a pizza, so you just press preheat because you don't know that the chef stores things in there. And honestly, it's like it's not...

I don't know if it's the protocol or not, but what I'm saying is I don't think it's... You do that when you're saving space in your house, which I guess you'd have to on a boat as well, but surely they have cabinets for the pans. He's doing that to just have them there so he doesn't have to move. Exactly. I know...

I've been at people's houses before where preheated an oven and they're like wait there's a pan in there and i know people use ovens for storage but i don't think it's necessarily the norm and i don't think it should be expected that you have to like make sure there are no pans there before you start up an oven and all that thing i just should but kate kate in my, you should, but Kate doesn't know about eating. She's thin. She's so thin, she doesn't use ovens, and she only had to use the oven at all

because the fucking chef was sleeping on his fat ass. Yeah, I just don't think that... And the pans weren't on fire anyway. The actual oven was, so Rocky was making this all about leaving pans in the fire, but the pans didn't cause the fire. Well, no, because the pan... No, well, she said the pan was directly on the element.

But either way... Yeah, but it wasn't on fire. We saw the fire. It was under the pans. It wasn't the pans. It was the bottom of the oven. So fuck her, stupid bitch. That's the kind of girl who's always trying to get someone in trouble

with a tattletale that's a total lie anyway. Like, if you hate Kate, you have reason, I guess, because she made you work, and that must have been awful for you. But if you hate her, cool have reason, I guess, because she, like, made you work, and that must have been awful for you. But, like, if you hate her, cool, then hate her for that, but don't just make up shit to try and take her down. Like, if she's so good that you have to make shit up, then

get out of the kitchen anyway. Do they not have, like, any culinary rules? Is there no rating, like, in a restaurant? Like, you have to go get certified to be serving people. You can't just be... And it's also not summer camp, by the way. It's not, like, this thing where you come on the yacht and you have to go get certified to be serving people you can't and it's not it's also not summer camp by the way it's not like this thing where you come on the yacht and you have your choice of activities that you get to do like your choice of chores around the yacht that you get to do and

then if yet if kate tells you to do something that's like really not cool because that's not what this vibe is about kate's your boss if she tells you to do something you have to do it i mean kate is ornery as fuck i mean that's why we love her but she's still your boss and she's was on the show last year so you sort of should have known what you were getting involved with so really he's that employee that takes everything so personally yeah she's the only one who had to marry a couple of catch-ups you know i'm like fucking shut up and pour the ketchup into the ketchup be quiet yes it's probably expired yes we're gonna kill people and yes i'm a fucking bitch for not hugging you first but you still have to do it you know you're not by the way waiter at applebee's batch and by the way as evidence of the fact that she doesn't even seem to realize like how good of how

helpful not helpful of a boss but like how what she can learn from kate at beginning of the season kate's like okay go do laundry and rock is like Kate. At the beginning of the season, Kate's like, okay, go do laundry. And Rocky's like, I don't want to do laundry. And Kate's like, every yachty loves doing laundry because you can get away from everyone in the laundry room. Cut to five or six episodes later, Rocky's like, I want to go do laundry so I can get away from everyone.

It's like, yeah, guess who taught you that? You're so stupid. Stupid. Rocky's stupid. She is so stupid. She's just a little bitch. she doesn't want to do her job she wants to fuck every immature okay so we'll get to that part so there's a lot that happens we don't have to go through each thing but that was basically the major drama of the thing was this oh my god we almost got burned to the ground and the chef's like here's one thing you don't want when you're the captain of a boat to hear that there's a fire on the boat or that the boat sinking or that someone didn't get the anchor right or just general rules being broken.

Terrible for a boat. And it's like, dun, dun, dun, dun. Here's another thing. Here's another thing that I hate hearing as a captain of a boat. Learning that they've discontinued one-way tickets. Now it's only round trip. Don't know what I'm going to do now. One-way tickets.

Now it's only round trip. Don't know what I'm going to do now. We could use it for new cast members, but then they'll be stuck here and have no way to get home. New rules. Even a captain disagrees with the rules sometimes. Dear Southwest Airlines, I don't believe in apologies, but I'll tell you this much.

You got rules and I'm listening. Love, sincerely, the captain. Dear Southwest Airlines, you used to be my favorite airline because you only flew to the south and to the west. But now I hear you got planes up in the north and the east and every direction. I don't know. Breaking your own rules. Don't like it. Southwest Airlines, you've confused Rocky with your maps.

She doesn't know whether she's going southeast, north, or west. Make up your mind, Southwest. I got a crazy girl on deck here. Thanks, the captain. Thanks, the captain. Mood. Sweaty feet. So,

everybody has this huge drum huge drum oh someone asked me why i call him uh eddie alex p keaton because from the show family ties alex is like the really conservative always really one and mallory is like the immature one he doesn't have any roles and he's like mallory uh follow the rules uh you have to be home at 10. That's why. And they sort of have the same, they don't have the same haircut, but they have that preppy, they both have that preppy 80s look. Yeah, they have like super conservative

politician hair. Yeah. That part. Little kid hair. Or like little kid at church hair. Anyway, that's why. So then everything is okay. Nothing burned down. So I think then the next day, then the shark dive is cleared. They can go shark diving. So the guys all go off to go shark diving.

And the two women who are left over, Connie takes them to go have some Bloody Marys, right? Am I getting this right? Yeah. So basically. Then it's time for the interrogations. Yeah. So they do this one-on-one interrogation where the captain brings everybody up into the captain room. Whatever that is.

That's where the wheel is. It's an important place. So they all go up there one by one. So they can't lie if they're one by one. Whatever. So he also has like a little note taker. They had like a court reporter. Hilarious.

In a tiny little notebook. Yeah. Okay. Writing down details. 1.10 a.m. Someone was hungry for popcorn. It's like at 1.07 p.m. I said, wow, that popcorn should be up soon, sir.

So I went down the stairs. At 1.08.20, I arrived into the kitchen. Did you or did you not make popcorn? Blink, blink, blink, blink. Did you or did you not know that popcorn needs to be cooked by sound? You cannot count on instructions on the back of a popcorn. Did you or did you not

check for pans at the bottom of the phone booth by the Best Buy? Blink, blink, blink, blink. By the way, for those of you listening for the first time, that's our impersonation of cereal. So good. So Kate was doing a full-on and then at 1.02 a.m. I saw Rocky and thought that she

possibly smelled like cat poop or old cheese, but then decided to disregard it. At 1.03 p.m. I saw what looked like a rabbit otter scurrying about the bridge, and it turned out it was just Rocky gallivanting about. At

1.09.10 I was walking down the hallway and thought someone was being strangled, but it turned out to be Emil masturbating for the ninth time in a row. At 1.10 p.m., I almost called Environmental Protection Agency because I thought I saw a walrus on board, but it was just Leon in his bed sleeping. because I thought I saw a walrus on board, but it was just Leon in his bed sleeping. I almost, at 1.13.11 p.m., I was about to call the police because I thought an animal was being molested, but then I realized that Amy was just making out with a starfish. And I walked to the kitchen.

And then Rocky's story is like, And then, like, people were starving because kate's mean and she's a bitch and she won't feed them so i was like maybe you'd like popcorn so kate was like i'll do it so then she like started the microwave for 30 minutes because she knew it would try and kill the boat and then she wanted everyone in the boat dead. And then she said, all of Akbar. And then she turned on a stove and left it. She's such a fucking idiot. And then she made me iron. I just think that she's really toxic.

And Captain Lee's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. You know, Captain Lee loves Kate because Kate is, she follows the rules. And she is a stickler for the rules. That's exactly what Captain Lee loves. You're never going to win with Captain Lee and with Kate. have to have personal that's like a huge no-no but rocky you know like in her defense i've said it as many times but i think she's like 19 how old is she i feel weird even getting on her because it's i feel like megan trying to parent you know some kid that's already grown up but not enough yeah like there's only so much you can do like that's

that's like literally crying over milk that already went through puberty and the spilled on the table. Like it's still gonna, you can clean it up, but it's still going to have pubic hair even on the paper towel. You know what I mean? Mm. Okay.

So, um, yeah, just, just like, but yeah, Rocky's a bitch and then turns it around into, yeah.

And here's something else. Kate's mean. She's a bitch. She was mean to the chef. And he's really talented, like me, because I like cooking. And, like, everybody's mean. And so that's it, you guys. She's very, like, Cartman-y.

And the captain is like, well, I'll tell you. One thing I don't like, poison. The other thing, people complaining. Those are two things I hate. Third thing I don't't like letting the line go before the jet skis are out hate that fourth thing most important socks hate them never gonna wear them it's not in the rule book either way so you know walking the line that one with socks that's right so yeah everybody's freaking out and they and then at the end of it the captain goes

well uh you know well here's what i learned rocky's an idiot uh kate probably got drunk on francia oh no we didn't even talk about that's what i was gonna say so then everything is lining up with the stories and the last person in is leon so leon gets called up because everyone gets called up. And Leon has an asshole. Puts his leg up under spread leg. He has a real puss on his face and he's already very defensive.

He's already making remarks like, I don't know what I have to do here. I wasn't there. I don't know what. I wasn't there. I mean, it was he wasn't there, but the way he was speaking actually made him sound so guilty. Like, well, I wasn't there. I didn't do it. And he gave a big roll – or eye roll when the captain said, what do you think about the fire almost killing children?

And he was like – like he rolled his eyes. Like, why are you asking me? I wasn't there. Oh, gross. Yeah, I wasn't involved with me. I don't know. All I know is that Kate put a pizza in there and she was was drinking and she drinks a lot on the job i see her drinking all the time which was so slimy yeah i mean what uh well did she steal your franzia well no well

then who cares i mean come on yeah did she steal your jack daniels because that's an offense but otherwise just drinking i mean jesus christ she's worked on a yacht her entire adult life. What do you think she's going to do, man? Yeah, I mean, Captain Lee was right. He said, you know, a chef should be concerned about the fact that there was a fire in his galley. He should be concerned about the entire situation, and

said Leon's attitude was, it wasn't my fault, I wasn't there, and being super shady about basically saying that Kate drinks on the job. It was really bad. Did the oven start on fire because of Kate's alcoholism? Was her alcoholism flammable? That's what I'm asking you.

Okay, then just clean the oven. Bye. Yeah. So Leon did get that attitude. So you know a couple times I said he's so sexist because he would never talk like that to a man. He did retain some respect with the captain, but he still did get that overly aggressive. Like, well, what are you going to do? He's like, well, I'm asking you in here to see what you're going to do.

He's like, well, it's up to you. I mean, Kate's an awful human being and I hope she dies alone. He's like, well, all right. Well, I guess that means that I think you should be getting a job back on the Walmart cruise, which leaves in two hours out of the port of from upside down. OK, see. Yeah. Well, you know, the thing is, Leon probably could have saved his job if you wanted to.

You probably could have said, well, you know what? I'm going to make a concerted effort to really make sure this doesn't happen again. And that, you know, Kate and I, you know, I have to make up. You could have said any sort of bullshit. And and Captain Lee would have kept him on board. But he just was like, whatever you want to do. I don't care. It was so cocky and arrogant and dismissive and really awful. I was really happy to see Captain Lee fire him and he fired him even nicely.

He was like, well, I don't think we can have you on board here, but you know what? Finish out tonight strongly. And then, you know, and then he's like, I'm going to leave right now. Well, Leon forced his hand. So he made him decide right then and there. He wasn't going to take, like, a sleep on it, and let's talk about this later and feel better,

and let's all get along because they've already had that. And so Leon was basically like, bitch, you are not keeping me for one last dinner and a lunch and then firing me tomorrow and so he knew and left but you know the guy didn't fight for his job a guy like leon is not gonna fight the the guy's gonna fight over passing the mayonnaise that's it like he's not gonna fight over a job because that means he has to do something if there's a job that expects leon to get the fuck out of bed most chefs would be mortified that someone was even cooking a frozen pizza to please their guests on a boat where they're supposed to be having this culinary experience. Like, you let them eat a tombstone? Just fucking get out of here.

Oh, my God. So Leon leaves right then and there. And then that's when this episode which was already pretty like really good with all this interrogations and he said and she said and whose fault was it blah blah blah it was already really good that's when this this episode went truly off the rails in the best way because leon left the and the boat went into like a tizzy because the people were going to be coming back from their shark adventure then there need to be lunch there was no chef and rocky then has a meltdown rocky's like what leon's going and then she's like i can't take it i can't take it like she's like this is awful

she takes off all her clothes takes off her mic she dives into the ocean and she swims to another boat it's like what the fuck is happening and meanwhile the other the women with the bloody marys are on their way back they're drunk and they're writhing around on connie's boat it is such a disaster and i was like what is happening she's going she's jumping oh she jumped oh god she jumped off the boat jesus christ and then cuss to to Kate and she goes into her speaker thing. She's like, she's not, she forgot to wear her mermaid tail. Yeah, that was the best.

Kate will always put a little dot there. She forgot her mermaid tail. Oh, looks like she forgot her mermaid tail. So good. She made it as dramatic as everybody else's stupid thing. She's like, normally I would be totally mad that someone's such an idiot but in this case with the possibility of drowning i thought yay under the sea that's where she'll be it's like one of those pop-up birthday cards but instead of like a really cute cut out picture popping up it's just a look of disappointment yeah at all your mother regrets you she's like hmm you're done so captain and connie anchor show

emil oh connie anchor drama skip when yeah the anchor drama is like whatever because yeah they were she did the anchor alex b keaton she's gonna get to do the anchor alone i'm so proud of her it's like a dad moment. I might be a dad soon. And, you know, if he does have my baby, it'll come out naked and covered in goop and proud of it. Just like Connie. Aw. By the way, one thing I forgot to say is that when Captain Lee fired Leon and Leon left the room, it was a total apprentice moment.

Which is why I tweeted that, like, Captain Lee should be the new, you know, apprentice guy. Because he's like, I had to do it. He forced my hand. And Eddie was like, oh, absolutely. You had to do it. You had no choice. He's like, well, I didn't want to fire him. He's a good guy. Oh, great guy. Great guy. And Ivanka's over there in the corner

pretending to take notes in a tiny notebook. She's like, well, I finished this with my quill pen. Thank you. It was exactly like Trump. Every time after Trump would fire someone, whether it was Georgia, Caroline, or Ivanka, or the Suns, it was like, oh, yeah. No, you did the right thing. Here's the thing, Leon.

If I ask you to make a product that's going to support AIDS and you come back with a twisted frozen yogurt that makes no sense. What are we telling people with AIDS? You're fired. You forced my hand. And he's like, alright, thank you then. Thank you. It's been wonderful. What a wonderful opportunity. You're a great man. Get out. So then, so Rocky... Who thinks of that? Last year he had a beef cheeks nail polish color.

What an idiot. Get him out of here. It's like a fake secretary sitting by the elevator. It's Amy. It's Amy. Bye. Are you sure you don't want to sign out and put your phone number next to your name? Okay, then. Bye.

Bye now. Bye. Would you like a sucking candy? I've got a bowl of them right here, Jolly Rancher. A meal may be on his way out, but I don't want to be mean. Bye now. Bye. Would you like a sucking candy? I've got a bowl of them right here, Jolly Rancher. A meal may be on his way out, but I don't want to be mean. There's a chance he could invite me to dinner one day. Bye.

Bye, chef. Bye. So anyway, so Captain Lee buys the guys, everyone, buys them lunch on the island. and he basically has Amy go with him and Amy's job is just to get them as drunk as possible so they don't realize all the disaster that's happening on the boat and they're calling, they're trying to get

replacements, etc. They don't know what to do and I think, is it around this time that Rocky comes back? Let me tell you, you're not going to worry about fires on a boat once you've seen a grown woman in plastic hair making out with a starfish. If anything will take their mind off of it, it's Amy. That's our girl, Amy.

She's like, you're welcome, Captain. I'm just honored to have the honor. I'm just honored to have pretend friends for the afternoon. And then Amy at the bar, they're getting wasted getting wasted and she's like is it too soon for another shot i think need to get real shoddy i have to maybe it's too soon do you want to marry me no why are you running okay getting more shots chasing tie him down so good amy so cute okay so yeah so they're getting them wasted and then they come back to the boat early probably because they're so wasted they've got a barf so they start coming back and everyone's freaking out because there's no dinner there's no dinner yeah and then no chefs kate uh has

immediately since she's not under tv contract with the other boat the other boat was like a crazy bipolar fucking psychopath has just arrived on our boat please come get her so the navy has to like fly in and get her off that boat and return get her so the navy has to like fly in and get her off that boat and return her immediately and someone calls her like oh we've got your crazy bitch on uh on this dinghy here okay all right well bring her up connie you're good with the anchor bring her up bring up the ball and chain that is rocky's craziness so she comes back and then she calls her parents and she's like i can't do this and no one no one's on my stand get the bitch and then i jumped in the water and her parents like oh no rocky no rocky just please keep a job like no no one likes me and her mom they

even put a screenshot where they wrote the word they transcribed it and or captioned it and the mom goes well win the battle but win the war and i was like that's why she's an idiot like you need to learn that phrase because she's trying to win battles and wars and she's losing them all like yeah you know bad phrases lead to bad children that's right bad bad children bad children so she decides to pull it together and to become the chef. She's like, wait a second. This is my opportunity because, ma, I'm a chef. Like, oh, God.

And by the way, somewhere in the middle here, she gets into a fight with Kate. It may have been before she jumped off the boat, but she was like, she just starts snapping at Kate. And Kate's like, she said something like, Kate, I think you should have some more respect for the people on the screen. And Kate's like, well, Rocky, I think you should have respect for the fact that i've worked to where i am right now and if you have any problems with it like whatever you know it was just i'm not doing it justice but kate was smacked her down rocky was going off because somehow she's best friends with the chef which i've never even understood but she's like if he goes i go it's like wow uh the girl who like refused to work until after five temper tantrums and then insists on people making people watch really bad Fiddler on the Roof reenactments in 10-year-old's mermaid's

tales. Oh, we're so sad. She's like, I'm leaving. That's it. But she's doing it in this way where she's whispering. She's like, listen, Amy and Alex P. Keaton, I'm out. And that's my decision, OK? I'm sorry. It's it's like really then why are you afraid of the captain hearing you bitch please girl please so she's trying to act all tough and she says well i i can do the chef

part and do you want my help and so of course kate's like yes go ahead it'll be wonder it'll be terrible to lose a guest to food poisoning, but it'll be wonderful to see you on Orange is the New Black because they need a new crazy. Have fun, bitch. So then Rocky starts, you know, she keeps saying she went to culinary school. I don't know where she went

or what sort of grades she got in that school. Or how long she went. Because you know that bitch, she's had 20 careers by the time she's 19. That bitch probably went for like two days. She probably doesn't even, she's probably learned to rue and that's it. Get out. So she's making like some vegetable

thing with like a schmear of puree and some architectural kind of things happening with things sticking up, etc. And then she crumbles Oreos into it because I think she wants like the color or the texture. It is totally bonkers. And then she crumbles Oreos into it because I think she wants the color or the texture. It is totally bonkers.

And she calls them cocoa nibs. Oh, yeah. She says normally she uses cocoa nibs. Oh, my God. But then to make matters worse, before this thing even goes out, she serves up oysters and she makes a mignonette with grenadine.

I mean, I can't even. First of all, it looked terrible. It looked like a bloody oyster. It looked like someone. It looked like a period. Yeah, exactly. This oyster is ripe. It has just had its period.

Enjoy. You are now eating a woman oyster. Enjoy, guys. It was disgusting. And, you know, just serve the oyster. You don't even need to put a mignonette or a cocktail sauce. It's disgusting. And, you know, at the very – just serve the oyster. You don't even need to put them in your net or with cocktail sauce. It's fine. These people, they don't care.

I'm so embarrassed for the rich people on this show because they're just trying to be gracious. You know, they're like, this food is all amazing. It's like, bitch, you just ate an Oreo salad. You are going to feel so stupid tomorrow. So then, yeah. So then after the oyster course course the the patriarch he immediately just goes to the bathroom and pukes his brains out uh which may have had something to do with all the booze he had been drinking but uh i think immediately it's like was it oysters

okay someone go in there and smell the barf and tell me if it smells like oysters and if so take a dab of it on a q-tip. Thank you. Oh, my God. Kate was probably loving it. Being like, sorry. Oh, they're throwing up because of your food. Oh, sweetheart. Like, yeah, it sucks that half the customers are probably going to die. But, you know, it's better not having Leon here.

We could actually get a boat big enough to bring Walmart here and empty the snack bar into their mouths. And it would still be better than his food. And so then Eddie, he was like, you know what? Like, fuck this. Because it's been like five hours and Rocky's still making her little Stonehenge out of cucumbers. And so Eddie is like, whatever, we got to start searing stuff. And he just, you know, chops up the steak.

He sears it, et cetera. He basically makes steaks, just basic steaks. Guests love it. They love it like this is just so wonderful rocky is mad and rocky is now starting to go through this thing where she's like you know eddie like you know i can't believe that he's not standing up for me i can't believe he's not standing up for leon he's taking kate's side and eddie is having one of these moments where he's thinking i can't believe i hooked up with this crazy bitch. I am so fucked. He starts texting his girlfriend back at home.

Tension everywhere. When you're fucking a guy who's insisting on doing you in a room that's used to wash you off of other people, that's a bad sign. All right? Yeah. He's like, let's do it in a mop bucket. So I don't leave any of your stain on me. So they had that. So, of course, they had to replace What's-His-Bun.

So they bring back in the Animaniac, Ben. He's like, hello. He comes out of the Warner Brothers water tower. He's like, hello. This I need. They're crazy. They're all a little lazy. Well, he's not lazy, but I don't know.

It was a quick rhyme. Ben. He's like, hello, mate. Yeah, he was like, like oh good to see everyone chimney sweep accent right now i know he's like hello everybody it's good to see you again it's me bin i'll just go here off the crazy boat onto another crazy boat his mouth into this crazy laugh. I was like, I love me some Ben. Miss you, buddy. And everyone's, like, so happy. They're like, yay, Ben's back.

We love Ben. I'm like, yeah, we love Ben, too. But you remember that he's just as, like, crazy as Leon, right? You remember that, like, he's such a perfectionist that meals always come out two hours late. You remember that? Yeah, but you know what? He made Kate actually smile actually smile like her vagina smiled on national television he's like yeah kate well he'd been having a little bone action

well you know what i mean like whatever his laugh is and uh then they showed him talking to kate who put on like uh she was doing like her microsoft word upkeep or whatever she's like oh just deleting old files and uh she put on like her pretty pashmina whatever. She's like, oh, just deleting old files. And she put on like her pretty pashmina type thing, like a little barrette. I was like, oh, vagina smiles, everybody. And then of course, they're like, okay,

you gotta meet this crazy bitch, Rocky. And Rocky's like locked in her room because she can't believe that she wasn't asked to be the chef. She's like, they didn't even offer. I know. She was literally upset about that. Name one other chef who would have Oreos on a salad.

One! So she's an idiot. So she's locked in a room, and she smelled a new dick in the house. Because you know Rocky. She's like, new dick in town. Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour.

Bonjour. There is a penis attached to testicles. I'm gonna get it on my throat. So she senses a man and of course is the first girl in town to be on it and makes a big production out of coming out of her room with a showgirl leg kick and a backwards walk and then a full-on crazy, I'm rocking.

Yeah. a full-on crazy hi I'm Rocky yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be a fun few episodes as the season wraps up that's for sure Rocky is really trying to get that it's like is there any dick you have not put your hand around get your hand off everybody's dicks just because you're the fattest lady in the office

doesn't mean you're the first one to choose a cookie, bitch. Back down, okay? This is for everybody who works here. Yeah. Yeah. Rocky. So that leaves us with Jersey. Okay, let me give everybody a huge spoiler alert on Jersey.

Teresa's in jail and calls a lot and goes to a lot of exercise classes. Joe doesn't even know what he did wrong because he's so stupid. And this is all affecting Melissa. Yeah. The entire episode is Melissa. Like, I just, you know, I feel bad. I want to visit her, but she won't put me on the list. Huh.

Well, I hope Teresa, you know, because you have a lot of time to think when you're in jail. And I hope that she actually does think and realizes that, you know, like family is better than jail. Right. Am I right? I like I like how when Joe Gorga goes and visits Teresa in jail finally and he's talking about it. He's like, no, you look, they have her in there. She's like they put her back there like she's a chained animal. I'm like, you remember that? Like just like 10 minutes ago on the show, they showed footage in there. They put her back there like she's a chained animal. I'm like, you remember that just like 10 minutes ago on the show, they showed footage of her flipping a table?

I mean, she is a chained animal. She's an animal. He's so stupid. So him and Melissa are trying to pretend. At least Joe's somewhat honest. Joe Gorga is like, well, look, I'll be honest with you. The Teresa that's in there, I don't miss her. She's a bitch. I miss the olda who wasn't obsessed with money and fame and of course i'm thinking who

married a fame whore who tricked her way onto the show just to get back at the system i mean so gross anyway but he at least is self-aware to say that and not kiss her ass the whole time but when he went to the jail and he's like at first you know you go in and i look around and i'm like whoa it doesn't even look like a jail it's like a waiting room there's some tvs on the wall and then melania goes turn to the left and then i turn to the left and that's the way there's a way it looked like jail it's like whoa really like so you saw jail and you cried do you have a television have you never seen it and it's damn great it's martha stewart jail give me a break yeah it's not like you turned around and saw like the old days of alcatraz you know people like being hung by their toenails or

whatever get out of here it was it was a worthless coda to a worthless trio of episodes it was just all stupid like we're tuning in to watch theresa report about the dildos she's seen in jail you know i mean melania has a chainsaw what a surprise we knew that was going to happen someday the only thing that was the only thing the only bright spot in all of this is that uh gabriella has emerged as like the angel that we always knew she was because she was always quiet so we knew that she was probably the good one. And she does the laundry. She takes care of everyone else. And the rest are all spoiled rats.

And angels are great. But this is an angel with Windex in her hand. And she is ready to clean a window. And that is the kind of angel that I'm down with. That girl will actually work. She's like, okay, I've kept the whole house together. And Gia's like, yeah. Oh, Joe telling Gia they got in like a little tiff.

And he's like, yeah, no, you don't do nothing. You just want to go out with your friends. I'm like, oh my God. Telling a woman, telling a child who's raising your other children for you because you don't even know. He had lunch with the lawyer. This was the best.

Cause you know, my whole thing of this is my favorite part of all of this is the lawyer's feelings. It's hilarious to me still. So they go to lunch at somewhere on the outside looks like the breaking bad lawyer office in the strip mall i'm like please let it be that but it's not it's the same restaurant where theresa flipped the table and joe's like yeah haven't been here since you know what so so so what who cares theresa flipped the table so yeah some memories yeah huh and uh he has this moment with the lawyer where the lawyer is like how do

you feel joe how do you feel joe and he's like yeah well you know i learned a lot like i don't even know what i did wrong but you know like i learned like well you know mortgages whatever like not to you know like whatever don't do it again because like i learned a lesson like whatever it is that i did it's like yeah there's a good lesson show. Yeah, yeah. It's over. Thank God. Teresa, literally, and that's someone raking. I'm so sorry. Watch, the second I press stop, it's all going to stop.

It's like Windows, now it's the Gardner. It's like a team of Alfredos out there. It's like multiplicity starring Alfredo. Maybe it's a sign that we should end. Let's do it. I think Jersey is a general sign that the world needs to. Let's do it. I think Jersey is a general sign that the world needs to. So thank you everybody so much for joining us for an almost three effing hour long, two minutes and 52 we're at right now.

It's our longest of all time. You know that? Oh, I believe it. And that was cutting out the jurors. Two think thins, a pot of coffee later, and we're done. So thank you so much for everybody who's even still here and hasn't like died of uh sleep thank you thank you thank you love you thank come to patreon.com slash watch what crappens come to facebook.com slash watch what crappens watch what crappens.com etc we're gonna stop talking for a while guys love you love you happy halloween happy howlers

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