Watch What Crappens - #2330 PumpRules, Part 1: Did It For The Graham
Episode Date: February 21, 2024*This is part 1 of a two part recapThe cast grapples with whether or not to show grace to Tom Sandoval after Lisa makes an impassioned plea on behalf of his mental health. Plus, James throws ...his first pool party and later receives a heartwarming surprise. And grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes on Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith.
Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously.
But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports.
So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens's a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.
I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the one and only Mr. Ronnie Karam.
Hi Ronnie, how are you?
Hi, what's going on with you?
Not much, just, you know, here we are, midweek.
It's Vanderpump Rules Day, arguably one of the biggest days of the week for us,
especially this week where there's a giant cover story in the New York Times about Tom Sandoval, followed by a giant story about Tom Sandoval in Interview Magazine.
So this world is fucking over.
I'm sorry.
Are we even making an effort to maintain a world?
Why are you guys writing fucking cover stories about Tom Sandoval?
What a loser.
What a loser.
Get a life. It's been a rough day for me you know i mean i was out there in the world earlier i mean it was like the la riots out there what happened i'm just kidding it's just these are
this quote from tom sandoval is so fucking disgusting i can't believe it like comparing
his basic ass existence to george floyd and can you believe it i mean i can believe
it actually of course and you know who else could believe it the people who wrote the article they
could fucking believe it because when it got to this part in the article you know what finish
your intro and i'll go into this article yeah let's leave there's a little teaser just my just
my overall note we need to just stop writing fucking articles about Tom Sandoval. And what are you guys having?
Who's that famous photographer for Vanity Fair?
Annie Leibovitz.
What are we having Annie Leibovitz do the photographs now?
Why are you giving him fucking artistic photos worthy of the loo?
That was actually the thing that offended me.
That actually offended me so much.
Because it's like, it is giving.
Because you know in those moments while he's taking that those
photos even though he's saying this bullshit he's like dude i look sick in that photo man that was
like a sick photo shoot they're giving him rock star presents for what for being a fucking loser
and cheating on his fight i mean even beyond the being a fucking loser part i mean even beyond the
cheating on his fucking girlfriend part what did he do to get in the New York Times Magazine?
Have some self-respect over there, for Christ's sake.
I know.
And, by the way, they didn't even ask us for a quote.
So, like, that's totally not bullshit.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Imagine.
Speaking of Tom Sandoval, levels of...
Ego maniacal.
We're like, why are we in that?
The day the New York Times actually comes to us for a quote,
that will be a thing.
So anyway.
The time is near.
If Tom Sandoval's in the New York Times magazine,
it was good enough for us then two years ago, at least.
I mean, if we're good.
Well, that's what my mom always, my mom is always like,
well, Ben, you know,
New York Times is slowly coming around to reality TV.
They just wrote something about,
what is this, Scandival?
I'm like, yes.
So here is the news, everyone.
We actually have news to announce today.
Big news.
Double big news.
We have added a show to our European tour,
in case you didn't already see on our social media. We're going to Dublin. We are going to Dublin. So now we have added a show to our european tour in case you didn't already see on our social media
we're going to dublin we are going to dublin so now we have three shows it looks like it's only
going to be three shows it's going to be london dublin and birmingham uh those are all going to be
at the end of may for this year the tickets i'm so sorry we said the tickets go on sale today
which is sort of true the tickets really go on sale on Friday, but there's a Patreon pre-sale that already started this morning. And that's for all three
cities. So if you are there in that corner of Europe, or if you just want to visit that corner
of Europe, come join us there. We'll be there. It's going to be great. The show in London is
actually part of a comedy festival. There's all sorts of comedians that'll be there at performing so like come for us stay for everyone else i don't know
uh but it'll be it'll be so fun some people have been asking if we have a show in glasgow which
would have been that would have just been a dream but unfortunately we could not make scotland work
out on this trip which of course we want scotland to work out, because all we do have to say is, Madder!
So, unfortunately, no Glasgow, I'm sorry,
but we do have Dublin and London and Birmingham,
and it's going to be fabulous.
Tickets at WatchWhatCrappens.com.
That was the announcement.
Also, go get your tickets for the Netflix is a Comedy Festival
that is in May as well.
You can find that at WatchWhatCrappens.
Also, this is a video recap,
and we do bonus episodes every week on Patreon, so go catch those over there.
Okay, let's get into this. Well, you want to talk about that article? You want to talk about
this New York Times article? So, I was saying before, I haven't actually sat down to read it
yet, because I am very much like Kyle Richards, and this was an article that was in the New York Times magazine section, which means it's like a sit down and read this article. And honestly,
I'm a busy person. And also, honestly, do I need to have a sit down and read moment about Tom
Sandoval? I'm not sure that I really do. What else do I need to learn? What nuances is the New York
Times going to tell me that I have not already been able to discern for myself?
I will read it, but that's going to be a weekend project for me.
But did you check it out?
I did.
Now, as far as reading the whole thing, listen, this is very New York Times-y.
It's very verbose.
It goes on and on and on.
And it explains what reality TV is to smart people, you know.
Because smart people read the New York Times.
In theory, they do not watch Vanderpump Rules.
So, it's kind of a condescending article in a way.
Because it's like, this is what reality TV is.
And this is what reality TV is like. They did it in a way because it's like this is what reality tv is and this is what reality tv is like
they did it in a very interesting way i felt like they kind of wrote it like a reality tv show
article which was interesting you know and uh they had one of tom tom's pr people who i think from
they were calling it someone from tom's pr team from reading this and just knowing bravo as we do
i'm thinking this was someone who works at bravo who was there to kind of stop tom because either
that or someone on piccolo in his band right some high school kid that is getting paid in cheetos
and stage time you know and bus tickets to poughkeepsie or wherever the fuck they're performing these days. Poughkeepsie.
So, yeah, there's someone there because after he makes this comment about George Floyd and all this other stuff, the network starts calling.
So there's a couple of comments to Riley, who is this person, this PR person, furiously writing comments throughout the interview. But basically, every time you fast forward through this article to a Tom quote,
it is just an absolutely douchebag comment, like every single time. You know, he'd grown apart from her, blah, blah, blah. I just needed to get away from the show i just wanted to not feel watched
i just wanted to take a breath oh um oh really that's why he went on stage for the band that's
literally called the most extras you just didn't want to be watched i get it i get it yeah uh so
let's see um let me well let's let's just get to the quote i was about to say let's let's actually
for anyone who's been living under a rock or just somehow was lucky enough to miss this, there was this quote that really went viral yesterday.
Which, honestly, I was also very upset about because I felt like yesterday was our moment in the sun because we were getting attention for the fact that Heather Gay unfolloweded us which you can hear about on crappy hour go
listen to that and i was like okay well you know what this is our moment in the sun and then here
comes tom sandoval to ruin our low-level gossipy story our moment in the sun that's so sad i know
real housewife unfollowed us wow um okay so this was the quote so um i asked sandoval why he thought the scandal got so big
and he said i'm not a pop culture historian really but i witnessed the oj simpson thing
and george floyd and all these big things which is really weird to compare to this i think but
do you think in a weird way it's a little bit the same?
No, Tom.
No, Tom, it's not the fucking same.
So then the writer says,
I looked over at Riley, who was typing furiously on her phone.
I think I knew what he meant.
He was trying to express the oddity of becoming the symbolic center
of a nationwide discussion in a major news story.
What he communicated instead was something more honest,
which is just how much the experience
had made him lose perspective.
Which is such a, I love that.
It's such a passive aggressive classic New York Times diss.
And it's also just trying to make something
so much smarter out of what it actually is.
It's like, God forbid,
you just call this person a lump of shit.
You know what I mean?
Like the writer should have been like, and that's when I started questioning what I'm doing with my life.
And when did this fucking newspaper turn into this?
And why did I ever care to work at this fucking dump?
You know, that I would be sitting here across this piece of shit as an assignment.
But instead they're like waxing poetic about how deep what he said probably really was, you know?
I mean, I loved it.
To me, that was just like, that's classic New York Times shade.
That's how New York Times shades people.
I thought, yeah, it was such a wild quote.
He could have gotten away
with maybe comparing it to O.J. Simpson,
but when you bring George Floyd into it,
it's like, are you, like,
George Floyd was not some sort of tabloid curiosity.
George Floyd was like a person who died.
Well, I mean, technically,
no, Jay Simpson, that happened too. But a person died and caused worldwide protests and a lot of true reckoning, not reality reckoning. And so, for him to elevate himself to that moment is
so vainglorious. It's so typical Sandoval, it's like not even like can't be hilarious i mean
elevate yourself to like lorena bobbitt for crying out loud but you're not you're not george floyd
like get over yourself sir that is it was so it was so tone deaf so typically tom sandoval it's
amazing how this guy continues to keep shooting himself in the foot and honestly all he has to
do right now is be quiet because like we've said a million times the audience is ready to turn on ariana we already had a lot of people comment we know because she won
um bravo liberty of the year in the crappies a lot of people say oh really so getting cheated on
just makes you bravo liberty of the year you know a lot we got there's a lot of that energy out
there which is so obnoxious and all he has to do is just like there. And yet he is like, no, I want people to still hate me.
Come hate me.
Yeah, well, he just doesn't know.
I mean, the guy's just dumb as a fucking brick.
You know what I mean?
He really is.
And that goes back to that old saying that you see spray painted all over Los Angeles.
Stop making stupid people famous.
This is what you get.
You know what I mean?
This is what you get.
So this was my favorite part
of the article this is after this it says the next day i was supposed to attend the taping of one of
sandoval's confessional interviews for the show i was about to get in my car when i received a text
from his publicist riley's boss he'd rather you don't attend today it read he's not feeling the
best the next morning i got a call from baskin and the day that alex baskin
the evolution producer guy the head of not baskin and robbins and the day after that a bravo
publicist rang me late on a friday some of what sandoval had said had gotten back to bravo and
everyone was concerned what was this what did he say about oj simpson and george floyd exactly
maybe sandoval wasn't ready for this the bravo publicist asked if i really needed to see him
again could the network facilitate an interview with one of the show's other stars yeah sure
sure uh he just made a comment about george floyd throw us lala for 10 minutes
bravo was uh regretting very much having tom sandoval be untethered in front of a New York Times reporter. Yeah, that's...
Because there's no...
By the way, you cannot tell me that Sandoval is going to ever deny a New York Times reporter to sit in on his confessional tapings.
Like, that is not happening.
He will have a New York Times reporter follow him anywhere if he can.
Yeah.
And he signed up for Vanderpump Rules
because he thought people should see what it's like
being an L.A. mactor.
So he just did it to help us, educate us, you know, guys?
Like driving down the 405, changing clothes,
comp cars and headshots splayed all over my backseat.
Yeah.
I mean, the show was okay, but when I punched Jax,
that sent it into the stratosphere.
Okay.
Relax, sir.
It wasn't when you think he was ever the guy who sent that show into the stratosphere.
No.
Stassi and Jax.
Stassi and Jax.
Yes.
Sorry.
Listen.
Listen.
As long as, like, it doesn't make them any better, but they were the ones who did it.
They were the monsters. You were not the ones who did it. They were the monsters.
You were not the monster who did it.
And then Riley remembered watching that episode with her middle school friends.
We were like, this show is epic, she said.
Dude, it was, Sandoval said.
Riley says, it was so cool.
That was such a fucking disturbing.
Her middle school friends so his publicist
his publicist was in middle school when this show started and now that now she's his publicist i
don't like i don't know even how i feel about that yeah i mean it's so long there was a part
where he's you know going on about like you know i used to want to be a real actor and look down on reality TV, but now I look down on actors.
I'm like, bro, can you do this?
Oh, dear.
Meryl Streep's at home, like, just, like, kind of giving herself scrapes on her arm with her nails, just, like, totally insecure about herself.
Like, what have I wasted my life doing?
Why have I worked on all of these accents?
What exactly does this mean when he says,
can you do this?
Does that like make a tone deaf statements about George Floyd?
Is it about appearing on camera in a,
you know,
a motorcycle with a sidecar?
Like what exactly is the,
this part that he was challenging the actors to do? You know, it was just written, but you know that he pointed a sidecar like what exactly is the this part that he was challenging
the actors to do you know it was just written but you know that he pointed at his face like can you
do this have the weight of the world on you gesturing towards the pompadour you know yeah
wow wow what a what a flooza well tom sandoval never fails to disappoint, I suppose, except that's exactly what his brand is.
Disappointment.
Disappointment and failure.
And this, Mactor.
Wow, he just wanted to give us an insight into the world of a Mactor.
That is something that a Mactor would say, by the way.
Yeah, I want to give insight into the world of a Mactor.
say by the way that is a hundred percent insight into the world of a mactor a guy hot guy not hot enough to be a model not good enough to be an actor see your posts driving along you got headshots in
your car wow it's pretty incisive so far yeah life of a mactor driving a nissan well so uh well that
sounds like uh so i've got a lot of fun reading ahead of me.
And then I think the thing for Interview Magazine, that just popped up this morning.
It looks like it's a profile of him holding desserts. I don't even understand that.
But yeah, I don't want to hear him complaining
because now he's on the cover of the New York Times Magazine
and he's in Interview Magazine. And he's living the cover of the New York times magazine and he's an interview magazine and, um,
he's living his best life in those photo shoots,
as you said.
And,
uh,
you know,
I don't know if I want to hear any,
the world's against me,
dude.
I mean,
cause the world is against him,
but he has his fans and he is definitely getting his exposure and he's
getting what he wants out of his career that he's,
that he's always wanted,
which is like massive media attention.
Yeah.
So congratulations.
All right.
So here we go.
This is episode four of season 11.
And this is another gloss over and kind of ode to Tom Sandoval this episode.
This is a poor, poor Tom.
Oh, poor Tom.
No one will forgive Tom and he's having dark thoughts.
Yes, and it opens up with people, you know, getting ready for the day for all the nothing they're going to be doing.
Katie's doing her hair. Lala's looking through a bin. Schwartz is doing push-ups.
Sandoval's brushing his teeth. Ariana's brushing her teeth.
It's, you know, exciting times happening in the
world of this cast.
Yeah, and Brock's making a bottle for
summer ocean moon
face winter in the winter.
And she's crying, and he's like,
oh, those are crocodile
tears.
And then we see
the telltale sign that we're going to James and Ali's house.
You're opening a blast.
I was going to say, a Southwest airplane flying overhead.
I mean, it's like clockwork.
They just have it.
Just every single time it goes over.
And James is like, woohoo!
Pool party!
Pool party!
I'm so excited about it.
But it's not a lot of work hosting for all these people.
Doing a pool party is hard.
It's our first time hosting for a pool party.
I'm getting prepared to be a host.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Costa Kennedy.
Not only did I buy the food and drinks, I bought the barbecue as well.
Yeah.
He's like, oh yeah, I worked really hard today.
I went to Home Depot.
I went to Vaughn's.
I went to freaking Target.
I'm like, that sounds like an excellent day.
Like, I would be jealous of that.
And so he's like, okay, Ale.
Ale, you're the decorate outside.
Okay?
Okay.
She's like, yeah, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
And then he sprays her with water.
Stop, James.
James, stop.
James. James, no. I'm going to pee in the bush. and then he sprays her with water stop james james stop james james no james no uh so then we go to ariana and katie and uh they're like going over what they should wear like is this a one-piece
day it's like a two-piece too much it's like basically me and ben before any show and then
she's like can you believe our Lyft driver last night?
I can't believe that.
And we find out that their Lyft driver for See You Next Tuesday was like, whoa, I remember this house.
You and your husband were fighting.
I think he cheated on you.
He was the Lyft driver from the night, March 1st.
Wow.
It's always strange if you get like a ride share driver
twice, like it's happened to me, like I think just once, maybe twice in my life. It's always strange.
And even when I was driving Uber, it was strange to get the same passenger and that would happen.
And I'm like, I remember this place. But what I'm surprised at is that anyone, any driver could just
remember one generic modern farmhouse from another. Like, they all look the
same. I don't know. I would never be able to say, oh, I remember this house. And like, it looks like
literally every other house on this show. Well, they're so big. You know how they put those giant
houses on the tiny lots? I think that's why you remember, because they put this huge house on this
little tiny lot, and you're like, oh my God, how is put this huge house on this little tiny lot.
And you're like, oh, my God, how is that house even fitting on this lot?
And is this legal?
And is this permitted?
You know, all these questions run through your head when you see those big McMansions on the little lot.
So, yeah, I think you remember that.
Especially if you've got Tom in your backseat going, one day I'm going to be in the New York Times and you're going to regret this.
And her going, oh, shut up, you fucking loser.
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The driver was like, oh yeah, I remember this house. It's the only house I've ever dropped
someone off at where there was a strange purple glow coming through all the windows.
Right, exactly. The house that Hubert built.
So she's like, well, I was like, we're not together anymore.
And he was like, yeah, makes sense.
Because that was huge.
And he has no idea it was a huge thing that happened.
Yeah, Ariana's laughing.
He has no idea how many people probably want to talk to him
so um ariana thought that they're talking about last night when they went to sir and ariana thought
lala had some really great points but then schwartz was acting all like oh my god you guys are getting
it up on me and she's like um three people who have something to say that means you're being
ganged up on and so then she's like doing her interview
and she has like a,
she's like doing her makeup.
She has like her mirror out.
She's doing the thing on her face.
They're definitely trying to give her the
I'm too big for this show vibe.
I think they're going to try to sort of
villainize her a little bit
because they could have very easily asked her
to say this line again.
But instead they put in the one
where she's putting makeup on
and she's like, the guy who i haven't spoken to in however many months all of a sudden
is some sort of authority on who i am and how i live my life and how i think and feel that's
interesting just like a man so katie's like like what like i'm supposed to get a tahoe
like i'm supposed to abandon all the work I'm doing right now
to go on a Schwartz
trip. And she
tells us, yeah, I'd rather eat
a jean jacket.
That's such a specific
choice.
Like, of all the things to eat,
a jean jacket.'s not available i mean
i like katie's talking about how she's so busy um opening up the sandwich shop that
she can't go to tahoe as she prepares to go to a pool party in burbank under a flight path with poop falling out of a Southwest
airline lab onto
the lawn.
So they're like, yeah, we're not going to that.
Fuck that trip.
So then we go to Villa Rosa
and Sheena and Lala are there
and they're joking like, oh my god.
Every time I pull up to this house,
I'm like, this is just like
mine.
Should we place like a bet that Lisa will make a comment Every time I pull up to this house, I'm like, this is just like mine. It's like mine.
Should we place like a bet that Lisa will make a comment that I'm not wearing any clothes?
Darling, you're not wearing any clothes.
Oh my God, we just totally made a bet.
Darling, you haven't met this guy before.
And she holds up a new dog.
It looks like really all the other dogs.
She goes, this is Donut.
I named her after Ken's favorite pillow.
Why have you guys got no clothes on?
So this dog, the cloning is starting to break.
So you know how the cloning, the first clone is almost perfect. And the next clone is like not perfect.
And the next clone is kind of melty faced
and then the next clone is just like two-headed what i know you want to make a clone i know you
want to make a multiplicity reference right now so the floor is yours i was leaving that open i
was leaving that open for you i've actually never seen this dog is you've never seen multiplicity
no that's why every time you mention it that's's why I never pile on because I haven't seen it.
But I know you like to mention it.
Wow.
No, I mean, it's that and you finally saw Steel Magnolias, right?
I finally saw the color purple.
Steel Magnolias I still have not seen.
I'm not finished yet.
So multiplicity is when they just basically make a thousand Dolly Partons and each Dolly Parton has a different outfit.
And one of them has an allergic reaction to something.
Just kidding.
That's like my favorite.
That would be my version of multiplicity.
Just make nine million Dolly Partons.
No, I wasn't actually going to make a multiplicity statement.
I was just going to say this dog looks like it is at the tail end of the cloning cycle.
Let's just say that.
This dog's not winning any DNA.
You know what I mean?
It's got the tail end.
It's a poor thing.
It looks like an Ewok that's been smooshed down with an iron and run over by a tractor.
Stop cloning your dogs.
Poor Donut.
Well, yeah, sweet donut yeah i didn't study donut enough but my impression
donut is that yeah maybe donut is on the on the raw end of the cloning stick there but um is that
a raw end of a cloning stick i don't even know that fuck me with i think i just like okay i think
i just mixed metaphors and added a new twist to it
he's on the raw end of the cloning stick um i kind of feel like this moment's like george floyd this
is um i just made up a new statement so uh lisa vanderpump is like oh hello hello so i really
want to talk to you about so many things and i don't think you're going to like everything I have to say.
And they're like, okay, what's it about?
Well, can you believe it?
Raquel was found in the hot tub with Tom Schwartz and Sandoval when Ariana was out of town.
In the hot tub.
In the nighttime.
Ken, that was last season, darling.
All right.
Go back inside, all right,
till you remember what I've told you to bring out here this time.
All right.
We have to give him the 2024 system update.
He's still stuck on Big Sur.
Apparently, at nighttime nighttime he has a
whole different look.
So
she's like, come on, come with me. I have to
finish making this vase of
flowers. So they go outside
and she's just making a vase
and they just stare at her making a vase. It's definitely
like a rich person thing to do, just to remind
the poor people how rich you are, that
you are making a vase.
Well, she used to have the
excuse of the restaurants, right? Like,
oh, I'm doing this for the restaurants. This is what I
do. I work so hard every day. I wake up
and I put pink flowers
in a vase. And then she would take it
to the restaurant and be like, look at me!
I put flowers into a vase! And they would
all bow, you know. And
now she's just like, fuck it, everywhere's closing
so I'm just doing vases.
Just for me.
Random things to put in front of Max's face
when he's trying to tell me how his day is. You know how it goes,
darling.
I just tell my sweet son, Max, here, can you take these
flowers and put them over there? The man needs to bus.
He needs to bus to be alive.
He needs something to water.
He's just not whole, that one.
I need him to come over and ask if he can
clear this plate. It just makes him feel
happy. So she's like,
I spent time with Sandoval
and I know for a fact he's in a very very dark
place and she's like well i'm pissed because i reached out to him and when his friend died and
he blocked me and he's reaching into this villain energy and i'm really not here for it he needs to
humble himself he needs to have humility and told him, you better find a good therapist, too. Yeah, he needs a good therapist.
Or, instead of a therapist, he could go to a place called Intimacy and get into a cold bath.
So, Sheena's like, yeah, my conversation with Sandoval, like, could not have been, like, more frustrating.
Like, he's taking, like, no accountability for, like, anything he's done.
And so, like, Lisa says he's depressed.
I haven't seen that.
I've just seen him project.
So Lisa says, maybe he's angry and upset.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's a broken bird.
He's not my favorite kind of bird.
And Lala's saying, no, he's stepping down.
What did he say to me last night?
What did he say?
What did he say about me, Sheena?
And Sheena's like, he calls you a narcissist.
She's like, yeah, a narcissist.
And then we see the clip of Sheena saying, a narcissist wouldn't call themselves a narcissist.
And he goes, yeah, I know.
That's why Lala won't call herself that.
Burn!
Burn!
So to show that Lala is not a narcissist,
she absolutely does not make this about her.
She goes, I've messed up a lot of times,
and I feel like I own it all the time.
Yes, I should have asked more questions about Randall.
I'm not stupid.
I understand it.
And you know what?
I was in a relationship that was tough.
I had to watch a man bounce fried chicken thighs
on his stomach for
kink yes it was hard and i didn't i didn't ask questions and i knew it okay lala you're talking
about randall again we're supposed to be talking about scandal ball uh and i love that lala's still
trying to make that story i mean this cast i swear so vanderpump's like oh and we never held
that against you what are you talking about you all held it against her for like years and years.
Of course you did.
This is Vanderpump rules.
And she goes, but he has, he has.
He's going to the press
and he's saying that Lala needs to share her life
and that she's not real.
And I just can't forgive someone
when they can't acknowledge they hurt me.
But you have the support and love right now.
Life is going swimmingly for you.
Look at what you've achieved.
Look at all the...
I mean, you moved to Westwood.
What an accomplishment.
But he's doing nothing.
He has no support, darling.
Look at poor, poor Sandoval.
He looks like a pottery version of his former self.
Just dried out and clay-looking.
He's aged 30 years.
I mean, that was before the affair as well.
But no one's really sure.
But I don't know if he's allergic to moisturiser or what it is.
I didn't really ask, really.
I don't care.
But you should, darling!
His own.
The people who work in his kitchens call him Clay Duval.
It's just sad.
It's sad.
He really has turned into Clay Duval.
Yeah, Clay Duval.
He does look like a pottery Sandoval.
So, she's like, darling.
Okay, Lisa, you know what?
If you're just so worried about Tom, why don't you take him off television, first of all, because it's obviously not good for him, and take him into your home and really work on him, Lisa, like one of your projects, instead of foisting his ass on the rest of us, okay?
And giving him, you know, a presence for what he did, you know, and congratulating him and just moving him up in the world for what he did.
I'm not buying it from Lisa.
And also, I'm really truly, and this is me not being bitchy, but I said it just after something bitchy.
I feel for Lisa with her brother.
Obviously, that's terrible, but that's not fair to use that to guilt other people into things regarding other people that have nothing to do with them.
That's not right.
I don't know.
I mean,
I think that like what she went through with her brother was really terrible,
obviously.
And so I think that she's probably particularly sensitive to it.
So like,
I don't,
I actually don't find fault with her having that instinct.
I just don't know with Sandoval.
I think you're like, some people were saying that online too, that if Sandoval don't know with sandoval i think you're like some people
were saying that online too that if sandoval like like sandoval the healthiest thing for him if he
is really in a in a challenging space with his mental health is to not be on reality tv so uh
lisa is basically saying how that he's like a shadow of his former self and he just doesn't
want she doesn't want to see anyone go down a path of that kind of depression when the world is against you and she says she's seen depression she knows
depression she remembers what her brother said it's always going to stay with her and there's
just like only so much that someone can take before they break and she just doesn't want to
be in a position where they all have regret and you know she's she says that she never thought
suicide would touch her life and when her like it's just this is all like a massive trigger for her and um she really feels
that sandoval is not the sort of person to say he has suicidal thoughts unless he means it
well i think that it sucks because it's like you know everybody loves lisa and especially these
girls and you're not going to be like oh oh, well, I'm going to completely disregard what you
just said about your brother because, you know, obviously that's a very real thing and
no one's going to be that mean.
But it puts them in a place where they're immediately like, oh my God, Lisa went through
this.
So it's almost like Lisa went through this.
So now let's just let Tom back in.
And I just, I think what is very difficult here i'm just gonna
be honest i don't want to say like it's not fair like because you know it's i'm gonna say something
that may get me into trouble but i'm gonna it's it's coming from an honest place of how i feel
which is that what's what's difficult about this situation here is that i don't think anyone wants
to see anyone who is struggling with their mental health, who is in depression, who may hurt themselves. No one wants to see anyone go down that path.
And I don't even want to see Tom Sandoval go down that path. I don't want to see
Rachel go down that path. I don't want to see anyone go down that path. And what's hard here
is that when Lisa says, when Sandoval says he feels this way, he's not going to say that unless he means it. The problem for me
is that his credibility is so in the gutter, and I have to grapple with this idea that I want to
believe someone. If someone says that they're having suicidal ideations, if someone says
they're depressed, my instinct is to say, no matter what, you have to believe that and you
have to lead with that. But what's hard is that his credibility is such shit that honestly, I can't help but feel like, is he really?
Or is this just like another part of like the story he's weaving to gain sympathy? And I hate,
I absolutely hate having to have that doubt. And I tried to skirt around it because I'm like,
I don't want people to be like, how could you doubt that?
But like,
honestly,
it is what I think when I watched this show,
I hope to God that that is that I'm a hundred percent wrong.
Because it,
because that would be real bullshit if,
if there were some sort of manipulation around that.
But that is truly how I feel when I watch this.
And I,
and I grapple with that.
Most people do.
Right.
I mean,
it's Tom.
So I think most people do feel that,
but I think it's just one of those things where if somebody says it, you just take it at face value no matter what.
Yeah, and that's what I'm doing.
It's one of those things where it's like it's not really as important to be right, I guess, in this instance.
Yeah, that's a really good point.
But at the same time, it's also not just a get-out-of-jail- free card where everybody needs to be like, okay, whatever you need then.
I think in one way it's like, well, not us personally, but like the cast.
Okay, well, you don't need to be doing podcasts about him every single day.
You don't need to be giving interviews about it every single day.
You don't need to make it all about completely villainizing it every single day but i don't think it also needs to be like okay but
then we need to shove him in ariana's face every episode either so i mean i don't really know what
the answer is but it's a quagmire it's a real it's a real uh it's a classic better rules quagmire
yeah but you know what i was like you know what i was gonna skirt around this i was like you know
what i have i'm like we're on a podcast I have to express how I feel when I watch their show. And that's how I feel. And I don't like it. And like, but it is like, so that's why when Lisa says, oh, he's someone who, when he says this, he wouldn't lie about it. That's, I think that was what made me be like, I have to say something about this. Because the truth is that he has deeply lied about things, like really, really fundamentally lied in hurtful ways.
And so it's just, I don't know.
It's hard for me to take anything that he says.
I have to take everything with some skepticism, no matter what now.
So it's difficult.
Yeah.
So.
This very important thing is difficult to get through.
For us.
We're like, this narcissist. Guys, this is how difficult this is for us that's worth it we're like this narcissist guys this is
how difficult this is for us god damn sandable what he's done to us um but yeah it is a difficult
place but that's kind of why we're in that place you know what i mean because you get put in that
difficult place and it's like oh but then you then, you know, you're emotionally torn. So then you have to put that person back.
You have to let that person back in.
I know.
Cause we're good people.
Yeah.
We're just,
we're really good people.
Guys,
guys,
Sandoval is now the third co-host of the show.
Yeah.
Guys,
we felt so bad about Tom Sandoval.
He's joining us now.
Lala.
So,
so then Lala goes, you know, I
hear what you're saying, and I
most certainly don't want anyone to wear
this for the rest of their life, because
I know what it's like to continue seeing people.
For fuck's sake.
The way she
is trying, because Lala
has never been able to
have the A story on this show.
She's always B or C.
And every time she has a scandal, someone has just a bigger version of it.
So she's like, okay, so the coast is clear.
I can have a scandal now?
Can I?
No.
Yeah.
And she's like, yeah, it's just like me.
Because I don't want them to have to carry it like I had to.
I never really gave Santa Claus health much thought.
In my mind, I looked at him as
someone like my ex. They don't have, like, feelings. And I don't want to be angry all the
time. It's truly killing me. It's killing me. And this hasn't been, like, easy for me, especially.
I was so distracted the other day that I burned my famous enchiladas. He was genuinely like one of the best friends I ever had in my life.
So she's like, but doesn't that make it easier if you just forgive?
And I don't know.
Have you called Kyle Richards lately?
She's not going through a great time.
Ronnie, that was so good.
Just saying. Good night, everyone was so good. You'll be just saying it.
Wow.
Good night, everyone.
Good night.
We are Watcher Grappins.
The show is over.
There's no need to top it.
Nothing else needs to be said.
That was good.
So Sheena's like, but is it worth losing Oriola?
She's like, talk to her, Sheena.
Don't just be a people pleaser.
Unless you're pleasing me and Sandivar.
Go where your gut tells you.
I don't think we need to tell anyone on this cast to go where their gut tells them because it has never led to a good place, ever.
Yeah.
Instincts don't work on this show, okay?
Commercials.
Here comes one right now.
So, instincts led to a 10-year relationship with Tom Sandoval.
Sheena's like, Ariana made it very clear that anyone who chooses to be friends with Sandoval is basically dead to her.
Yeah, but at the same time, if someone's really struggling at this level like how do i like keep coming for like how do i keep coming for him so then i think this is where i was thinking like okay well you can you can not completely forgive the person but then also not do a podcast about
them every day to get money for yourself you know what i mean there is a middle ground also by the
way let's not forget that lisa vanderpump she has a show that she has to oversee
here and she knows this cast has to get along and has to shoot together so she's like come on
come on stiff up a lip and all that but i think also behind the scenes i think this cast also
realizes that and they've also been shooting now for a while and see what the season is which is
literally nothing like nothing is happening it's like a bunch of kumbaya moments. This is episode four, which means it's probably week
four-ish. So, they're probably like, okay, nothing's happening. And these two are making
all these millions off this show and nobody else is. So, why are we trying to work? They should be
fighting on this show. Let's bring his ass back around. What the hell am I trying to pretend I care about Katie's jean jacket jokes?
That's probably very true.
Although, hot take, I'm really enjoying this season.
I don't know if other people are enjoying it, but I actually am enjoying it because I feel like everything they're talking about is, like, real shit in their lives as opposed to, like, dude, let's have, like, a party where we dress up like we're in gym or something, you know?
Like, so, it's not full of fireworks, but I'm into it.
Oddly enough, I am into it.
So, anyway, who cares?
So, Sheena's like, okay, well, we're going to go to Tahoe, yeah, because we want to be on the show.
So, we're going to do that.
And Sheena says, she's like, well, yeah, you know, there's, like, a lake house and, like, a boat.
So, like, I'm totally in.
Like, especially if we can, like, put Tom in the pool, in the you know, there's like a lake house and like a boat. So like, I'm totally in.
Like, especially if we can like put Tom in the pool, in the water and see if he can drown like Jax almost did.
So they don't know if Sandoval's going to go, but.
Of course he's going to go.
Right.
Of course.
Just let him come if he wants.
Just stop attacking him.
No one's perfect, right?
Nope. Just look at Rocio.
Random stray over there.
Did you know Rocio has
one ear that's bigger than the other?
Here, throw a flower at her.
Did you know
her foot is composed mainly
of cucumbers? How odd.
Sometimes Ken and I like to play this game
where we push Rocio down the right side of the stairs
and see if she ever touches the left side of the stairs.
Anybody want to play?
We call it Rocio bowling.
Not to be confused with bowling at Rocio,
which is where we have a stand at the end of a bowling alley
and roll balls at her just to avoid them.
Ken's ball is very slow, but it gets there.
Okay, so now we go to James's and we know why.
Because.
So, yeah.
Poop.
So it's a big pool party katie and ariana arrive and then sheena and lala
arrived there's basically like six people and james is acting like he is um you know performing
at for cascade again so he's yeah and schwartz comes with some plants and ali's like wow he
brought another plant.
I think this is the third plant that Schwartz has given us.
I think I'll need a gardener.
That's so Taurus of me.
What is she?
I forget what she is.
Does she tell us?
She's like, that's so likely, brah.
So Jericho, James's friend, is there.
like that's so like libra um so jericho james's friend is there and schwartz is like oh yeah i'm like sober curious but i think i'm gonna have some of this tequila because it's really good tequila
i'm really curious about the tequila oh no the girls are here last night the conversation with
the group didn't go so well they jarred and feathered me, man. But I'm Tom Schwartz. I'm not the accessory to the affair.
I'm just the guy whose house they used to fuck in and the guy that lied for Tom every day.
Whatever. I'm just the guy who helped this affair continue on quietly behind closed doors
without anyone knowing. It was almost like if their affair was the laptop i was the dongle
i was like the accessory oh no i was the accessory i'm just the kato caitlin of this affair guys
dude i told you it was like the oj trial
jesus just coming here was like everybody chasing me down the freeway my white bronco dude next time with your white bronco like you totally add like a purple highlighter underneath
the undercarriage it looks awesome it's sick so james has made a something about her store floaty
which is actually more progress than the actual restaurant i have to give them credit
lays built them a set box which we haven't shown yet, right?
Did you show yours?
The potato chip box?
I feel like I did back.
I put it on the gram back during BravoCon.
I'll get it next time.
It came during BravoCon.
So while all of you guys were actually doing something productive with your time, I was taking photos of a Lays potato box.
Anyway, they did that.
And then he's made this floaty version of it so then now james is doing
exactly what you think you know mature homeowner would be doing jumping off the roof into his pool
yeah score the usual usual thing um i feel like that is you know i've talked a lot of shit about
the valley but i think that one of the perks of the valley is that it seems like every house in the valley has the ability to say i'm a golden god and jump into a pool like i think all houses
in the in the valley are zones that way there's at least one roof very close to a pool that you
can jump into so that's cool okay so now we go to the classiest place we've seen in a long time on this show. Into Me Sea.
Okay, this is a real stretch.
Into Me Sea. There are a lot of really bad pun stores in Los Angeles.
And a lot of bad, silly names.
Here's where the silly names are in Los Angeles.
Anyone who opens up a pho restaurant, they love a pun.
Like, pho me.
Or... One pho. That was my favorite all those but then new age stuff also into me see this has a real this is a real stretch here because it's
spelled into me c c s e. And they pronounce it intimacy.
So, intimacy.
And also it sounds gross because I don't want to go sit in a tub with someone's cum.
You know what I mean?
Like, what is this, Below Deck?
That's what it sounds like, right?
People fuck in these tubs.
You want to come in?
It is literally, like, I think it's trying to seem deep. But it's really just saying, welcome to a sea of self-involvement.
It literally says, into me, see.
Like, I'm into me.
I'm into me.
Which is a perfect place for a Tom Sandoval scene.
So, let's go with Billy Lee.
The added bonus of Billy Lee.
Wow, how'd she ever get fired?
Crazy.
So, they walk into me, see.
Into me, see.
And the lady's like, welcome.
This is our quantum wellness studio.
Have you guys ever done cold plunges before?
And Sandoval tells us, this whole situation with the scandal and the aftermath
have been really stressed out, depressed, and overwhelmed.
And I realized that I have to be able to handle those emotions in different ways,
healthier ways. I'm like,
go to therapy, not an ice bucket challenge. Yeah, this is going to fix everything.
So he gets in this bath of cold water and Billy's just like kneeling down watching him with her
eyes really wide. Billy looks like someone's always throwing keys at her. You know what I mean?
Billy looks like someone's always throwing keys at her.
You know what I mean?
I think you said that.
That's so true.
She has that look of fear in her eyes that I get when someone throws keys at me.
But she's just always like, she just stays like that.
It's like someone slapped her on the back when keys were being thrown at her.
And she's like, how are you feeling, Tom?
How are you feeling?
Is it cold?
And he's like, oh, it's cold, bro.
It's hard, bro.
It's hard.
He's like, what is the pain level? Between one and ten? He's like, oh, dude,
it's like a nine, bro.
Oh,
man, it feels like especially
weird right now because I've never been an
outsider with my group of friends, and I just
feel like Auntie Dufresne when
he first gets to Shawshank, man, like like i wish i could just get back some part of my life my old life it's just like
always the people that are close to you that seem to hurt you the most i was like yeah isn't that
funny how the people that are close to you hurt you the most uh you should ask ariana about that
actually just ask your mom about that you should ask literally the person
at starbucks should ask her non-retired yet mother about that who no longer has her fund to uh
retire tom so um then he like goes forward and ducks his head in the water and like slowly
brings it out and the water brings his forward duck tail down and he just like poses and flexes
for the camera it's like wow billy lee is watching him son what a meaningful scene tom oh my god
billy lee has this smile on her face like oh my god i can't believe he did it oh my god she's like
watching frankenstein come to life or something like she's just like... So many people are going to come see me in my open market
laugh factory now.
Can't wait to tell off
Sweet Lady Jane's
bakery when it closes.
So, now back to the pool party!
And again, we know this because
while Tom is in the
pool, we hear the
so another plane goes
over by and then, you the pool party lala's talking
about how her bathing suit makes me want to get a bbl you know my i want to get a bbl especially
after everything i've gone through with rant because i know what it's like to carry the shame
of someone who's called okay lala okay lala um this is so a conversation between a new la young fresh person and an older
haggard la person okay um i want to get a bbf old haggard person young person same let's just hold
each other accountable and do 50 squats a day that's like like so, I just got to LA, isn't it?
You know what we should do?
We should be accountability buddies.
Fuck off.
How about that?
I don't want to fucking accountability.
Get some fat from my face and put it into my ass.
Yeah, I was about to say,
the new person to LA actually has dreams
that if you work hard for something, you'll achieve it.
The person who's been through the works knows you work hard for something you'll achieve it um the the
the person who's been through the works knows you just gotta do what you can do you gotta just cheat
your way to the top i mean that's how i mean look tom sandoval is literally on the cover of new york
times magazine he literally cheated his way to the top okay you just gotta cut corners where you can
so ali says that james hasn't had a drink in three months
and lala's like yeah the first 30 days is like freaking hard it's sort of like the first 30
days when i was separated from rand because that's just like a really big thing when i was
separated from rand you know and then we cut to james outside going look it's like beers but
they're weed bro and then he like pops him open and starts, like, chugging.
Doing great!
That's where that sobriety is killing.
So, do you guys ever have conversations about why he got sober?
Because I've had a lot of sobering conversations
about the trauma I went through when I was
married to Rand. You know, it was such a tough
time for me in my life, and I feel like it's something that
I really understand well and can talk about at length.
She's like, well, did he ever tell you
why she got sober? Because I want to know
why did he get sober?
What was his rock bottom moment? I can't wait to use it
against him later. And she's like,
I'm not going to share that
personally, but
you could ask him about it
and then maybe he could tell you
about it. She's like, wait,
everybody has their rock bottom moments, Alice.
Tell me what's his rock bottom moment.
I'm not going to tell you.
Tell me, I'm going to use your face and put it in my ass.
It's a BBL.
Don't tell anyone, but his rock bottom moment
literally happened at the restaurant Rock Bottom.
He threw some spinach artichoke dip against the wall,
and I was like, you're at the rock bottom. He's like, I know, Ella. That's what we're eating at. restaurant Rock Bottom. He threw some spinach artichoke dip against the wall, and I was like, you're at the Rock Bottom.
He's like, I know, Ella! That's what we're eating at!
It was terrible.
And Lala's like,
well, here's my Rock
Bottoms. And she talks about when she
went to Disney World with Ram's family
and Ram's kids and was wasted
the whole time, and was like,
that was Rock Bottoms for me.
I mean, nothing's worse than telling
cinderella off for having a pancake ass but i did it i came back and i changed my fucking life
i mean do you know how difficult it was for me when rance got into the dumbo ride and had to
be pried out by a fire engine team and and I was drunk the entire time. That was my rock bottom.
So she's like, yeah, but with ups and downs,
I don't want to trigger James,
because sobriety is something I'm very passionate about.
So meanwhile, James is checking the drinks outside
and starting all the hamburgers on fire,
and Ariana's just like, fire, James, it's a fire.
And he starts like, he starts like flapping something at it.
And Ariana's like, don't fan the flames, James, don't fan the flames, which just felt poetic for this show.
I mean, this is the show that's all about fanning flames.
I know, that's the name of the spinoff.
Don't fan the flames.
Then he does fan the flames.
And then he starts DJing.
And at first I was like, this is so shitty to have people come to your party where they're forced to listen to your shitty DJ sets.
But then I remembered myself.
Because, you know, a party at my house is like, John Cassane, darling, John Cassane.
Ronnie Oakey.
It's like, there's karaoke here karaoke here nope it's just for me
you can have a seat right over there enjoy the fritos so now lala is talking with schwartz in
the corner and she goes hey i know i came pretty heavy last night sort of like all the heavy
experiences i had after i got divorced from rand after he cheated on me would you like to ask any
questions about it was a tough time we can make it the story of the season if you want.
It's not as heavy as I came with Sladondo.
That was some squirtings.
That was some squirtings.
So I'm still working on, like,
don't get triggered by our experiences,
but that's going to be a process.
And he goes, yeah, oh, that's beautiful.
I love this.
I'm so tired of keeping my dukes up i can't go
from like machetes to crying in the fetal position there has to be a middle ground for me he's like
yeah oh and i appreciate you acknowledging that you know we all have problems but there was a
moment last night and ariana looked at me like i was subhuman like i was just some muck that came
out of the river which to be fair i do spend a lot of time just rolling around in rivers, so I kind of get that.
Like she's been exalted to this queen status or something.
Okay, okay, okay.
First of all, Lala is such a guy on this show, isn't she?
You can tell that she's paid more attention to the guys, like how the guys behave on the show because she acts just like one of the guys she acts like an asshole and then she comes back and
she's like i'm totally different now i'm a different lalas than the lalas you knew before
so she's doing her lala 6.0 or whatever she's on now and tom understands it so he's like she's one
of us now and we're just gonna she's guy coding her language so okay ariana's a bitch right immediately you know it's also like such the thing that like a guy
especially on this show would be pissed at ariana being put on to an alleged pedestal
because that's the pedestal that he wants to be on he wants he literally wants to be on a pedestal
that's why he's always like oh i'm so cute put me on a cute pedestal and it's like yeah ariana has been put on a pedestal but the pedestal it's not so much that ariana was put on
a pedestal it's like she was standing on just normal ground and the ground beneath all the
rest of you guys just sunk you know so she just sort of became a pedestal but i think it's like
yeah she was put on a pedestal because when Scandal all happened,
we all sort of had a moment where we said, you know what? A, this is wild. But B, Ariana's been
the only cast member over 10 years who's been more or less pretty chill, pretty reasonable,
pretty nice. Like, no one is without fault, for sure. But it's one of those moments where you
think, gosh, everyone on this show has been so terrible at one time or another.
And Ariana's been the only semi-decent one.
And then she's the one who just gets cheated on in this way.
And so everyone wanted to give her some flowers.
And now they are all so resentful of it.
It is hilarious.
She's like, yeah, she was put on a pedestal is what she's trying to say.
And it's like, yeah, there's like a diva energy, you know, but I'm not going to fawn over her.
And, you know, just for her affection or validation from her.
I mean, that was very triggering last night.
That was really triggering.
Really?
triggering that you not only brought her ex who totally fucked her over but then tried to get all of her friends to hang out with him and her at the same time like why is that not okay for her to be
triggered about that geez so she's like yeah but that's natural but i thought you handled it so
well but you know like i was triggered okay can we all just stop being triggered first of all please
i can't yeah but i was triggered though though, because I immediately took it that you talked about my ego.
So there are times when I take things at heart, okay?
For instance, you know, like when Rand cheated on me and then left me, I kind of had a Lollaball moment there instead of Scandavall moment, you know?
And that was kind of a big thing, so maybe we should talk about that a little bit more this season, you know?
Scandalala.
Yeah, scandal.
Randavol.
No, scandal.
Randavol works, yeah.
Randavol.
Randavol is just Rand and Tom Sandoval mixed together.
Scandalala.
Scandalala.
Scandal.
Scandal.
And the small letters under it say Randus means.
Scandal, Emmett.
Scandalala. Randmit. Scandal-a-la.
Randers means scrand-a-ball.
So she's like, yeah, but I'm just working on not being a dachshund in everyone else's fights.
I used to think it was my superpower to call people into sheds, but it's just not how it is.
And at some point, I have to practice forgiveness.
I cannot wear my traumas like a badge of honor forever.
For example, I'm triggering traumatized.
I was like, you just said triggered.
I don't think you're allowed to talk about
not wearing your trauma as a bandage anymore.
You've said triggered five times this episode.
This was actually a major step for Lala to realize
that she doesn't actually have to step in
and call people on their shit every single second. I think that maybe realize that she doesn't actually have to step in and call people on their
shit every single second i think that maybe now that she has a podcast she has realized oh you
don't have to step in you just have to have a podcast and talk about people on your podcast
and it's just as fun and rewarding um yeah so lala's like yeah i didn't mean to have you abandon tom but come on you just
she's everyone you know it's how my dad was and people just bulldozed over him and the stress of
it truly i believe it kills my dad's so i want you to do you know do things for you for once
so you're talking to one of the most selfish people on this show. I know. Like, can we not? His wife just left him because he's a selfish piece of shit. Can we stop acting
like Tom Schwartz is also not a selfish piece of shit? Just because he walks around talking in a
baby voice does not make him not a selfish piece of shit. But I also know Lala now, and I know what
she's doing, and I like it. This is Lala where she's just resetting everybody and getting everybody
back in place so that she has people to yell at because if everyone's mad at you no one's talking to you who are you going to
yell at you know you've got to people have people standing in front of you to yell at and she also
knows I mean here's the thing that I have been the biggest Lala fan she has also driven me absolutely
nuts but one thing you can never take away from Lala is she knows how to play the game and she is she's
like lisa she's like we have a show to shoot here so we have to start like i'm just i'm just gonna
suck it up and try to make things nice with schwartz hello there this is a two-part recap
okay this is the end of part one so thank you so much for listening to this uh just come back a
little later for part two watch what
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